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18621880.

OFFICE 85 FLEET

LONDON.

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101

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1862.

January xxxi Days.

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April xxx Days.

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June xxx Days.

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July xxxi Days.

August zzxi Days.

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October xxxi Days.

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November xxx Days.

December xxxi Days.

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111

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1862.

WISH FOR JANUARY.

Paterfamilias. Ah! DR. TRIPLEX, well met. I wish you'd
give my little people a look in. Head-ache, no appetite,
and all that sort of thing.

Dr. Triplrx. I '11 look round. I suppose you have been
idiot enough to let 'em keep Twelfth Day.

Fater/amitiat. I wish there was no Twelfth Day. (Growl-
ing.)

HISTORICAL PARALLELS.
(For Competitive Candidate.)

COMPARE the French Finance system of NECK-AR under
Louis THE SIXTEENTH, and the French Finance system of
Neck -or- Nothing under Louis NAPOLEOX. .

Compare tho enormous abuses of the Publicani in the
Elections to the Senate in Rome, and tho enormous abuses
of the Publicans in the Elections to Parliament in Finsbury.

WISH FOR FEBRUARY.

Materfamilias. MATILDA, what letter is that you are
hiding ?

Matilda. It isn't a letter, Mamma.

MaterfamUiax. Give it me, Miss. How dare you receive
such a thing? Why, it's a Valentine. lam ashamed of
you, Miss.

Matilda. I wish there was no Valentine's Day. (Crying.)

DID YOU EVER?

DID you ever know a Builder whose "estimate of cost"
was not exceeded by his bill t

Did you ever know a Speaker promise "only a few
words," and not utter a great many f

Did you ever know a Waiter at an eating-house whose
arithmetic would bear a pen-and-ink analysis f

Did you ever know a "Plucked" Man who might not
by his own account, have passed extremely easily if he had
only worked t

Wires you give a piece of your mind, take caro it's not
the biggest piece.
When you pay a compliment, always take a receipt.

SONG BY MR. f OWEHBY.

ON SPIRIT-PAINTIXO. TO A LADY.

IF spirit? around us are constantly hovering

ur thoughts acts and deeds every moment discovering
Woul J?,^t y l ip fanc ? , the y '""killed in photoS; ,
Would you hke them to illustrate all your biography t

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1862.

HINTS TO MAKE HOME HAPPY.

BY A HAN WHO MARRIED LATE.

SELECT the days when you suspect that
there's a make-shift sort of a dinner, for
bringing, unexpectedly, a few City men
to dino with you; and throw out such
artful hints as may lead them to infer
that your wife is a bad caterer, do what
you will to school her.

On any night when you have promised
to take her to the theatre, either don't go
homo till morning, or else come rushing
in for dinner two hours before the time,
and, when you find she is not dressed,
declare she always keeps you waiting, and
throughout the whole two hours go on
fidgeting and fuming and continually ask-
ing her how long she means to be, and
predicting that, as usual, she'll l>o sure
to make you miss the only eceno you
care to sec.

MR. SOWERBY'S SEASONS.

SPRING.
BRIARS now, and brambles shoot;

Nettles grow in hedgerows thick,
And, of birds' ucsts in pursuit,

Hands of youngsters sting and prick.
Thorns increase and thistles thrive ;

Verdant hemlock crests the bank ;
^lu.^s and snails ;ire all alive,

Midst the weeds that flourish rank.

NOTE ON MARCH, NATURAL AND HIS-
TORICAL. Rooks in ploughed fields meet
in l.-ir^o flocks and hold Diet of Worms,
discussing their grub.

THE SUREST "WAY TO RISE IN THE
WORLD is to go up in a balloon.

You may keep an old friend a pro-
mise made a woman's love a balance
at your banker's, but never an um-
brella.

THE advocates of indirect taxation
would, if they had their way, make the
Income-Tax the " Whole Duty of Man."

THING NOT GENERALLY CONSIDERED.
The youngest and prettiest girl is no
chicken ii she is a goose.

WHEN you take Counsel with yourself,
always pay his travelling expenses.

THE PORTRAIT. FINISHING TOUCH TO THE DRESS.

Painter. "I BEG VOCR PARDON, BITT I'M AFRAID YOU ARR SITTING ON* MV PALETTE!"

BALLAD FROM BEDLAM.

THE moon is up ! the moou is up I

The larks begin to fly,
And like a breezy buttercup

Dark Phoebus skims the sky :
The elephant with cheerful voice

Sings blithely on the spray,
The bats and beetles all rejoice,

Then let me too be gay 1

Last night I was a porcupine,

And wore a peacock's tail,
To-morrow, if the moon but shine,

Perchance I '11 be a whale :
Then let mo, like the cauliflower,

Be merry while I may,
And, ore there comes a sunny hour

To cloud my heart, be gay I

WISH FOR MARCH.

Landlord. I hope I see you well, MR.
DAWDLE.

Tenant. You see nothing of the kind,
MR. SCREW.

Landlord. Sorry to hear it, Sir. Drawn
out that little cheque for me, Sir? This
is the 25th, you know. Sorry to trouble
you, Sir.

Tenant. I wish there was no Lady Day.
(Scowling.)

SONG BY MR. SOWERBY.

ON A CHRISTENING.

KtTCHEE, kitchee, little duck I
Let us hope he 's born to luck.
His beginning here wo see ;
Wonder what his end will be.

Every one has crowed and smiled,
Like this interesting child,
Once, for all were once as youug
Every person ever hung.

PARLIAMENTARY. An Irish Member
takes the sense of the House about him-
self, and is voted a bore.

OBVIOUS. Why is next year's Exhibi-
tion sure to be popular T "Because it has
been well taken up by folks (FowKEs)
from the first.

WHEN you speak what you admit to
be plain truth, expect others to think It
dowiifigtit ui^ly.

A HOT CHESTNUT IS A VERY GOOD THING AFTER DINNER, BUT IT IS NOT SO PLEASANT JUST AS THE FOX BREAKS.
Rough Ruler. "BY YER LEAVE, Sint MY Ypouo HORSE RUSHES so IF HI'S KEPT WAITING !"

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1862.

WISH FOB APRIL.

litlle Kov. Sir, Sir, if you please.
Sir. There's something out of
your pocket.

rautnffcr. Eh, my lad, what is

Little Boy. Your hand, Sir.
rMUr(>r ,.('/>. Yes, Sir,

M vou Khali tVi'I (" "
i-(((j ioy. 1 wish there waa n
April Fool Day. (Hwling.)

A B.VTCH FROM BEDLAM.

Q. WHY is a hunted fox like a
Tuxeyite?

^.Because he's a tracked-
liairv-un. (JVnrtorion.)

(I.' If a Yankee slave-driver
ca'iL'ht a female runaway, what
would lie his first remark?

A. last's lii'k -her.

(> Why is BLONDIN like a pnzc-
Ugh tart

/(. Because he can't get hia
living without some as-saults.
(rHerfai<lts.)

Q. Why is a lazy mail a contra-
diction ?

A Because ho is a far-mgn-
ain'tho! (larniente.)

FACT FOR ALL FOOLS' DAY.
Tlio Geographical Society holds a
Convorsa/.iono, in the course of
which a wag, who has received
mi invitation to attend, remarks
that the most extraordinary river
in the world is the Plate, which
runs with gravy.

SEASONABLE DEMONSTRATION.
First of April ; All Fools' Day.
General meeting held by the
United Kingdom Alliance. Very

HINTS TO MAKE HOME
HAPPY.

BY A MAN WHO MARRIED LATE.

ENDEAVOUR every morning to
get out of bed oil the wrong
side. Always ring for your hot
water With a vehemence of one
who thinks his house is on fire,
and scold the servant through tho
door for her tardiness in bring-
ing it. Never get your breakfast
without grumbling that the eggs
are always boiled too much or
else not half enough : and that
by no chance can you ever get a
decent cup of coffee. Except for
purposes of diet, or else to make
a disagreeable remark, don't open
your mouth until the meal is
finished. If your wife attempts
a little cheerful conversation,
stop it by a grunt : and eat with
the Timet newspaper propped up
before your plate, as a hint that
you don't want her to bother
you by talking. Never positively
tell her whether you'll bo home
to dinner : and be careful on the
days when you are certain you 11
dine out, to express yourself so
that she will be sure to wait an
hour for you. When you quit
the house leave a last word with
the servant, as opposite as pos-
sible to what you told your wife,
so as still more to prevent her
knowing what to do, and give
you further chances of complaint
at her not doing It. Of course,
be sure when you go out to bang
the door well after you.

Paeon Fancier. "THERE, NOW! THAT'S MY STYLE!"

WHEN you draw an Inference,
be sure about your moral por-

| spective.

POOR RICHARD'S MAXIMS.
Retptct/ully dedicated to all true American*.

BY THE SHADE OF BENJAMIN FRANKLIN.

ONE grain of sense is worth a pound of bluster.
There is moderation in all things. Do not feed the boiler
until you make it burst.
The head of Folly is generally crowned with a Mob-cap.

A nation saved from going to war is a nation preserved
from ruin.

The vessel of a State was never yet kept afloat by a num-
ber of windbags.

A quarrel is like debt much easier rushed into than got
out of.

If two bedfellows are both determined to sleep in the
middle of the bed, it is pretty clear there will soon be a
falling out between them.

One falsehood entails several. As you make your bed
with equivocations and deceits, so you must lie in it.

A pair of compasses, divided against itself, is good for
naught.

Brag is a trumpet that's very loud before going into
battle, but rarely heard in beating the retreat.

THE ONE THINO ONE ALWAYS GETS AT A PUBLIC DINNER.

Buttered toast.

HUNTING FROM TOWN.-IT IS SAFER TO GO WITH YOUR ANIMAL.

Kailwav Porter (nfoctivtly). " EARLY TRAIN ! LET 's SEE ! LITTLE BAY 'Oaa, AND A BROWN 'Oss WITH A Bio KNEE t HAH I THEN YOU MAY DEPEND THEY'RE TH

'OSSES AS WENT ON TO YORK I "

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOB 1862.

SANITARY DIRECTIONS FOR

SKKVAKT9.
(For the ffnu.itHiaid )

KEVER oicn windows. It admits the
blacks. If you find un,y open, abut them
carefully,

In sweeping, work the dust well under
drawers, sofas, cabinet**, und other pieces
of furnitun; nut liable to be moved. If
these receptacles are ever disrm* r
can remove the accumulation ut unco.

Never disturb the dust on picture-
frames, ledges, the tops of bureaus, <tc.,
or generally, auywhtiru where your mis-
tress is not likely to fieo it. Dust once
settled is harmless. JuddUnff w ith it
only sets it in motion to settle some-
where else.

Never hung up, or expose to the air,
blankets or bedding. As you have made
the bed people ougju to lie upon it, and
the less a bed is disturbed the belhT it
will look, and the less trouble it will give
you.

Never remove slops in detail. Keep a
larpe part in some out-of-the-way place,
and let them accumulate. Why should
you take many journeys, when one will
serve the purpose ?

Find a place in or about the bed-rooms
for stowing away blaeklead brush s,
dusters, dust-pans, hearth-brooms, and
similar articles, where your mistress if*
not likely to find them, and by resort to
which you may spare yourself the fatigue
of running up and down stairs. If you
have no other place, put them under a
spare bed.

THE LAST INIQUITY OP THE INCOME-
TAX. BILLY BARI.OW, singing " Raggtrly-
oh, ! " is pounced upon by the District
Assessor, and taxed for his rents.

CAUSE AND EFFECT. Addicted as the
Yankees are to whittling, it is no wonder
that, at the Battle of Bull's Run, they
Cut their Stick.

THE WINNER OP THE DERBY FOR 1862.
The man who doesn't bet.

GREAT
DEDUCTION

"WISH

MTM

HALF A CENTURY HENCE.
(Kctractfro)n the Diary of EVELYN PZPYB

JON8.)

" May.<lay. Take my wife to hear the
Monster Concert at the- Crystal Palace.
Twenty thouwmd in the chorus and five
thfii ,;ui<l in tlie hand are all that they are
able at prosont to acc<nnmod;ite ; but at
^he Great Festival which will be hold
next year, they prunus.- that these
number* shall t.'c very nearly doubled.
The sold sin^.-rs san^ through .speaking
trumpets, as .. meeting*

nowadays ia usually dune; but our scats
were so 'far otf that we cuiild scarcely
catch a note, although I had my patent
sound-expander with rue After the per-
fiTiiiancv there was smi:.- hurh rupe walk-
ing between two air balloons a couple
of miles from earth, but I unluckily had
left my tele9CO]>o at hnme, and so could
see but little of this intonating sight."

THE USE OF ADVERTISEMENT.

Mr. Sweep. '* IT 'a EXUFF TO TEMPT ONE. UK LOOKS so JOLLY CLEAN HISSELF ! "

SONO 11V MR. SOWKKBY.

ON A PERAMBULATOR.

MADAM, wheeled in yonder chair,

I your little Ijoy behold,
He may ride, as he rides there,

In a l>igger when he's old.

Mii'-in^ nursemaid, through the throng
Unubservant where you go,

Push your infant charge along ;
Yes : and crush his father's toe.

WIJS1I FOR MAY.

Model Hutband. I hie hie asshu
you, my love, hie, that I was was hin-
dered from comiuhomc hie by import
tant clients.

Amiable Wife. Very likely, Sir, and are
these your clients stuck all round your
hat? Dolls, as I'm an honest woman.

Model Hatband. They 're they're hie
my love memorandum*.

Amiable Wife. I wish there was no
Derby Day. (Sulking.)

HOW TO FIND THE CAB FARE TO ANY PART OF LOSDON.

Ask the cabman how much he wants, and give him half
the amount.

WHEN you embark in * Speculation mind your crew don't
scuttle her.

CHILDHOOD'S HOME. Nowhere is there a greater number
of infants reared than in Lap-land.

PRECAUTION AGAINST DAMP. Clothes bought at an out-
fitter's should always be well aired before they are worn,
for the very obvious reason, that they are all Slops.

JOKE BY A DUMPY ORDNANCE CLERK. Why is a tipsy land
surveyor unlike water? Because he can never find his
Level.

TOAST
pence.

FOR JOLLY BEGGARS. More kicks than half-

POSITIVE FACT, OF COURSE.

A MESSAGE COMES OFF ON Mas. BLUEBAO'S LINES, WHICH SHE IB HANOINO, AS USUAL, ON THE TELECRAFH WIIIK

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1862.

BALLAD FROM BEDLAM.
I WOULD I were a stickleback,

And lived upon a mountain,
I 'd cxirl my tail, und purr, and quack,

Like sparrows in a fountain.
What joy through icy fire to dart,

Upon a cobweb swinging,
And give my love my sunburnt heart,

While evening drums are ringing !

Yet rather would I wish to be

An elegant young spider,
To treat my love to imps and tea,

And sit and sing beside her.
Then would we fly t* Mtn& Green,

With bluebottles behind us,
And hidden in a soup tureen,

No mortal eye should find 'is 1

JONES'S MEDITATION'S.

WHEN a lady asks if you admire her
dress, she expects you to express your
admiration of herself.

The time that women waste in study-
ing the looking-glass men more sensibly
employ in studying the dinner carte.

If you wish to know the value that is
set on your society, announce that you
intend to give up giving parties, and then
count the invitations you continue to
receive.

It is a sure sign of departing juvenility,
when one has no longer an appetite for
buns.

Whom do ladles dress themselves to
please? Surely not the gentlemen, or
they would never stand in such terror as
they seem to do of oneanothor's criticism.

Imitation is the humane that dulness
pays to genius. Such homage is paid
constantly at tho throne of the great
Punch.

PHYSIOLOGICAL FACT. The actual
powers of the human stomach are in
some cases equal to those which fable
has ascribed to the ostrich, a bird erro-
neously supposed capable of digesting
iron and steel Any Tailor can eat his
own Goose.

HINT ON GARDENING. In planting
tulips consult the Champion of England,
because he is the chief of the floorists.

GEOGRAPHY FOR GIRLS. Iceland is
ituated in Belgravia.

HINTS TO MAKE HOME HAPPY

BY A MAN WHO MARRIED LATE.

WHEN any of your wife's relatives are
staying in the house, do all you can to
snub them and to make their visit
wretched ; but when any of your family
happen to be with you, take every oppor-
tunity of saying in her hearing that you
fear sho terribly neglects them in your
absence. Never pay a house-keeping
account without a grumble, and always
scrutinise each item as sharply as you
can, and hint that shawls and bonnets :tre
now and then put down, you think,
among the " Sundries." If your wife is
a proficient as a pianist or singer, do all
within your power to discourage her from
practising ; and then, when at a party
she fails somewhat to exhibit her usual
execution, hint that ladies when they
marry grow sometimes sadly lazy. In
short, do all you can to snub, vex, trouble,
aggravate, and torment your wife, and it
will not be your fault if, to yourself as
well as her, your home is made most
happy.

MB. SOWERBY'S SEASONS.

SUMMER.

WHILST the sun shines make your hay.

Yonder see the tempest lower.
Now the forked lightnings play ;

Now descends the thunder-shower.
* How the lads and lasses flee

Fast away as doe and buck,
Seeking shelter 'neath a tree :

Where they're likely to be struck.

CRINOLINE FOR DOMESTIC USE.
'BOTHER Misses ! SHE WEARS IT HERSELF, AND I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULDN'T.'

WISH FOR JUNE.

Mistress. Sarah! At last I Provide your-
self by this day month.

Sarah. It ain't late, M'm; and please,
M 'm, my cousin

Mistress. Don't answer me, and don't
dare to speak to me of your cousin. You
were to be home by nine, and it is half-
past eleven, wicked, rude, ungrateful girl.
Go to bed.

S'trah, I wish there was no Whit-
Monday. (Blubbering).

QUESTION FOR SOLICITORS. What nasty
thing has more limbs than a centipede ?
The Law.

CRINOLINE FOR DOMESTIC USE.

AfT.tt/.. "MART! Go AND TAKE OFF THAT THING, DIRECTLY! PRAY, ARE YOU AWARE WHAT A RIDICTJLOTTS OBJECT YOU ARE?'

ALMAJNACK JWR 1862.

A PROBLEM FOR YOUNG LADIES.

OlTEX, THE ELE3ANT REOISALD FlPP3, WBO USED TO WALTZ SO BEAUTIFULLY, PERKORMINO THE ABOVg KINDLY AND HOST NEEDTITL OPERATIOV AT THE END Or A Pln WH.

THE BAND is PLATINO WHAT RELATION 19 HE TO THE DARLINO OPERATED UPON?

THE CROWDED STREETS.

Bi>/. " Xow, MiB3P3. THIRB'S NO Basse?, KITCH 'OLD OF av HARK, AND I 'a. TAKE TER OVER.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE

HALF A CENTURY HENCE.

{Extract* from the Diary of EVELYN PEPYS

JONES.

" August 8. This being my birth-day,
my wife gives me a new gun, and tho
lease of a good moor, both bought with
bur saved pin-money. How much wiser
is this way of spending her spare money
than in squandering it absurdly on acres
of fine dresses, as our grandmothers were
wont to do some fifty years ago I And
what hideous frights they looked in their
Crinoline and flounces, antfT feathered
pork-pie huts and crumping, high-heeled
boots, the 1'unch papers of^the period,
which one sees in every .drlBving-ruoni,
sufficiently well prove.

" September 1. A glorious day's shooting
with my friend CRACKSIIOT in Suffolk.
We start quietly at ten after a cifcar, und
bag tea brace apiece before wo -h;iv..- i.ur
lunch. Total bag at finish five-and-tuvnt y
brace of birds, leash of hares, two couple
of rabbits and a snipe ; all, except the
luttcr, shot fairly from a point- How
much more pleasant this than the un-
sportsmanlike old way of going out in a
great party without a single pointer, uini
counting one's day's pleasure only by the
quantity of game that one could bag !
Buch follies as battues are now com-
pletely out of date, and it is thought tho
height of snobbism to endeavour to revive
them. Certainly in some respects v.
improved upon our ancestors, although,
judging by their writings, thoy thought
themselves as near perfection as was pos-
sible to be."

WISH FOR JULY.

Schoolboy. It don't rain, Ma, at least
not much. You might let fe.fellow go out.

A/a. Charles, I will not hear of it, and
your pertinacity is disrespectful to a
parent. It rains fast, and your new
clothes will be entirely spoiled.

ixhoolloy. No, they won't, Ma.

Ma, I repeat that they will, Charles.
Don't look black at the weather. We
have always rain at this time.

Schoolboy, I wish there was no St.
Swithin's Day. (Scratching paint off' some-
vhtrf.)

MEDICAL ( DOMESTIC ECONOMY. Stale
dry bread is a very effectual check te
juvenile consumption.

JONES'S MEDITATIONS. .

THAT man may be considered happy In

his choice who can take his wife down

Regent Street without stopping at a

fah;iwl-shop.

Monstrous is the appetite of youth.
Nevertheless un toasted muffins are not
easily demolished.

As thorns are to the rose, so are pins
to lovely woman. A female in full dress
it* never unprotected.

It is said that, as a rule, favours ought
to be returned. But to this rule clearly
there are some exceptions. Who for
instance ever dreams of returning Wed-
ding Favours ?

Hmvly that man may bo envied who
cm r.it pork chops for supper and sleep
without a grunt.

Milliners' bills arc the tax which the
innlf >ox has to pay for the beauty of the

. ,AJu* ! my son, how fleeting is alt
i-.'irthly bliss! Did you ever meet a man
who greatly c:ired for turtle soup after
tho fourth plateful?

TOO DELICATE BY HALF.

ivc Party. " HOLLO I HOLD 'ARD A MINNIT, MARY, YOU'RE A SMOTHERING VUN
WITH DUST!"

SONG BY MR. SOWERBY.

AT AN EVENING PARTY.

MANY a couple past us whirls,

3 young fellows, handsome girls,
sing spectacle to view,
>ectucles albeit through.

Madam, mark yon fair young maid ;
Bir, observe that well-built blade.
Once, perhaps, like her and him,
You were graceful, smart, and slim.

WISH FOR AUGUST.

The Sovereign, I am sure, my dear LORD
PALME KSTON, that I am glad to release you
from your labours

Lord Palmers'on. Permit me to beg,
your Majesty, that you will not call them
so. Some of the older men feel them but
as for me

The Sovereign- Well, well, but we must
not spur a willing horse. I am very happy
to think the holidays begin.

Lnrd Palmerston. I wish there was no
Prorogation Day. (Bowing).

WHEN you open your heart, be always
ready to slam it to again.

JONES PREPARES A LITTLE SURPRISE FOR ma MARY ANN, AN-D ITAS HIS EQUESTRIAN PORTRU

DONE. I DON'T SEK WHY I

'E MY CAKTB

M'JS ALMAJNACK ifOB 1862.

yo'

in.

WISH FOR SEPTEMBER.

Young Goose. Sss sas sss
BBS !

Old Qoote. Hold your bill, you

rang fool, you are only attract-
ing notice. I said so. FAKMKR
PIOOINS has his eye on you. /'m
tougb and safe, but ain't you going
to London ?

Young G'*o*t. Me oh wh
what d 'ye mean ?

OtdGoo*e. To-morrow 's tho 29th
September, my child.

Young (fnnte. I wish there was
no Michaelmas Day. (ttruyffliny.)

MR. SOWERBY'S SEASONS.

AUTUMN.

CORN is ready to bo cut ;

So are tares and poppies too.
Many a crop IR touched with smut,

Marked with spots of sable hue.
Thus, when ears of mildewod
grain

Dot wheat, barley, oats, and

rye,
Fields present one yellow stain

Only to the jaundiced eye.

AGRICULTURAL IMPROVEMENT.
In consequence of ft great do-
crease of crime in the rural
districts, the farmers, generally,
employ the County Police as
Clod -crushers.

Ir you stumble over your new
mat in the passage, what science
are you shown to have neglected ?
Pneumatics.

When you wind up your affairs,
mind you use the right watch-
key.

THE NEW SPANISH WINE, UNDER
TUB GLADSTONE REDUCED DUTI
Vino tie Tarifa.

' n

K. \\

l/J 5\J' V< S

- ~ ^

HALF A CENTURY HENCE.
(Extract from the Diary of EVELYN

PEPYS JOKES.)

Sept 7. The cheap nights at tho
Opera having now commenced, I
treat my wifo and her mamma
to a couple of pit stalls, for each
of which I pay two shillings, use
of opera-glass included. How
thankful we should be that tho
VERDI reign in over, and that tho
tide of favour has again set in for
GI.UCK, ROSSINI, and MOZART I
The same good taste is shown,
moreover, at the theatres. Trashy
farces and burlesques no longer
are considered the main features
of our stage ; and now that
managers have sense enough to
abolish fees to box-keepers, and
all such impositions, to ventilato
their theatres and make comfort-
able seats, and to limit each per-
formance to the playing of one
piece, the drama is of course iu
a most nourishing condition.

ACROBATIC ARITHMETIC,
(for the use of Proprietor* of Place*

of Public Eiittrtannufiit.)
THREE stumbles make one fall,
Three falls, one broken neck,
Three broken necks, on* success,
Three successes, one inquest.

FACT or COMMON LIFE. Youth
Is commonly considered to be in
gonuous and inexperienced The
common, however, is a field of
observation on which we may
learn that, notwithstanding all
that is said of green geese, a
young goose is much more downy
than an old one.

DESCRIBE A HOME-CIRCLE. -
The Wedding Ring.

A FAIR RETORT.
QUOTH GILES from the Dock to my Lord on the Bench,

Who with poaching offences was twitting him :
" If us poachers do live by the snaring o' hares,

Zure you lawyers do live by the uplitten 'em."

EPITAPH UPON A CAT.
Bo rare her virtues, it were shabby
Not to lament my faithful tabby:
She lived as pure as any roach,
She died " tans Purr, etumiK reitrnch*

THE VESTRY FIAT,
To your new-fangled ways and means,

We still prefer our stale ways :
We'll neither have street-railway trains,

Nor yet have TRAIN'S street-railways.

'No HIT AOAHI, I'M AJTUID, TlMt*
" O, NIVER MIND, YER 'ONOR ! SURE, YE DO
LlOS AND THB WlNQS, AND SUCH LIKE, BUT YER

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1862.

WISH FOB OCTOBER.

Bltffimt Stranger. Don't name
It, M'm. Allow me to help you
over the crossing. These London
omnibuses are very reckless,
and PICKFORD'S van-men are all
ruffians.

Old Lady. I am sure you are
very polite, Sir. I am very much
obliged to you, Sir.

lsga>it Strang<r, The obliga-
tion is on my side, M'm. Good
morning. (Divts down C->urt.)

Old Lady (hand in pock ft). O !
O Lor ! 0, I 'in robbed, I 'm poc-
ketpicketed, I'm swindled !

Q*,.rral Public. Whut'sthe mat-
ter, old girl 1

Old Lad}/. I wish there was no
Dividend Day. (Quivtring.)

HINT BY ONE WHO MAKES
CALLS.

THE last infirmity of noble

minds
Is squinting at you through

Venetian blinds.

A FOOL'S ADVICE. Under Lu-
nar Influences, says KADKIEL,
" begin new undertakings." This
recommendation can only be
addressed to the insane members
of Necropolis Companies.

THEATRICAL NOVELTY. A New
Equestrian Domestic Drama is

Produced atAstluy's. The Heavy
'ather rides 20 stone !

LATEST FROM PARIS. The po-
pular requirement to "Wait for
the Waggon " obviously denotes a
four-gon conclusion. Oh 1

THE CORPORATION ON THE
BLOCKADE. Plenty of pods
among us ; but no cotton.

THE VOLUNTEER MOVEMENT.

Small Effective. "AND THEN, JUST LOOK AT THE IMMENSE IMPROVEMENT IN THE PERSONAL APPEARANCE OF

oun FELLOWS ! "

SANITARY DIRECTIONS FOE

SERVANTS.
(For the flurumaid.}

The hotter your nursery is kept
the better, or the children will
be sure to catch cold. For the
same reason insist on curtains
to the children's beds, and always
draw them close.

If your mistress is unreason-
able enough to take them down,
you can put up a shawl, or blan-
ket, when she leaves the room.
lie sparing of cold water, and
indeed of the bath generally.
The instinct of infants protests
against washing, in spite of the
inhuman prejudice in its favour
now prevalent.

If you meet an acquaintance
when walking with the children,
stop and chat, especially when
the wind is East. It will harden
the little things a great point
in this variable climate.

Always use pins in the under-
clothing of infants. Strings will
come off. An occasional prick
supplies a wholesome stimulus
to the iiifantiuo lungs.

Always give children whatever
they cry fur. Nature teaches them
to express their wants, which
it would be cruelty to thwart.

Give bread and butter, sweet-
meats, ifcc., between the chil-
dren's meals. It will prevent
them over-eating themselves.

Always keep your fuul linen
near at hand. A dirty frock or
petticoat may often come in
handy in the absence of dusters
or towels.

Wash the floor of the nursery
often. The evaporation will as-
similate the atmosphere indoors
to that outside, and save the
children from sudden changes of
temperature.

NATURAL. The old woman who boiled her tea in her
etewpan was misled thereto by hearing that tea is strongest
when " it 's stood."

NATURAL INDIGNATION. Why did M. DC CHAILLU get so
angry as he did when he was chaffed about the Gorilla?
Because his monkey was up.

LEGISLATION ON THE SAFETY LAMP. To prevent those
colliery explosions, which are of so frequent occurrence,
be it enacted that every miner on descending into the coal-
pit, shall be required to take his Davy.

ADVICE TO CROWN LAWYERS. Employ a hydropathic
doctor, if you want to pack a jury.

A TRUE PHILANTHROPIST. A female begging impostor
importuning a member of the Mendicity Society to give
her a "copper," the benevolent gentleman replied that she
should have one, if she would only leave off begging, and
take in washing

Music READILY ACQUIRED. Stealing a March.

ENGLISH DARLINGS REFLECTED IN A FRENCH MIRROR!

(DEDICATED TO THOSE POLITE AND PROFOUND OBSERVERS or BRITISH MANNERS AND CUSTOMS THE PARISIAN ARTISTS I)

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOB

SANITARY DIRECTIONS FOB
SERVANTS.

(For th< Cook.)

TAKE care always to throw down the
sink the water in which you boil your
greens. The effluvium will tond to deter
your mistress from ordering green vege-
tables, which are always troublesome to
the cook, mid out of which littlu credit or
etfect can be got.

Never let your fire down, whether you
h:ive anything to cook or not. How can
you tell when it may he wanMl?

Nail down your kitchen windows. It
is the only way to avoid draughts, colds,
and face-arlies.

Never scour your stew-pans. It wears
<>fT the tinning, and "cooked dishes tell
no titles."

Keep your pig-wash tubs under the
dresser. It will save you many a walk
into the yard.

Never wash pudding- cloths or dusters.
They will only want washing again the
sooner.

Keep your pantry-windows shut. If
the culd meat don't keep, all the more
ivason for your getting rid of broken
victuals.

If your mistress is given to the bad
practice of coming into the kitchen, take
care she always finds things in a litter.
You can say, "you were Just clearing
up," and it will probably end in brc:ik-
ing her of the habit of interference.

A VOICE FROM THE GORILLA.
A GOOD deal has been said about the
"softening influence" of female society,
and really ladies when they get together
do talk such sad nonsense, that one may
well believe their intercourse w softening
that is, to the brain." Our own Brute.

COMMERCIAL INTELLIGENCE. According
to a trade circular issued by a Cockney
company, Florence and Lucca, whence
the finer descriptions of oil have been
heretofore imported, are threatened with
a vigorous competition by the lies of
Greece.

WHEN you strike a balance, expect
that the blow will be returned.

ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.

THE LAZY OROAN GRINDERS HAVE HAD IT ALL THEIR. OWN WAY WITH THE MONKEYS NOW
THKN CHANGE ABOUT !

ORGANIC REMAINS.
DEAR ALMANACK,

1 'M a man of few words 1
I was Poet 1 Fainter 1 Mathematician 1
Essayist 1
Now:

am mad. Stark mad t
'in in the Strand ! lu the Strand I
'm in Dixies' Land !
'd chooso to be a Daisy I
'm a Perfect Cure (
Love you then as now |
'm old DAN TUCKEH I
'm Limerick Races 1
Wish I was with NANCY!
)on't I Love my Mother I
'm not the Queen. Ha ! Ha I
live in a " Quiet Street/' and am re-
moving to Hanwell !

Organs I Water-cresses ! Organs ! Brass
Band ! Organs 1 Penny Papers 1 Organs I
Water-organs, Brass-crcssea, Paper-
bands have done it ! Police I Police I

FKANTICU8.

MR. SOWERBY'S SEASON'S.

WINTER.

NATURE wears a sheet of snow.

All the pools and ponds are froze.
How the cheeks of Beauty glow I

Ruddier still Is Beauty's nose :
No more water can you draw ;

Ice must melt in cistern first.
Then, as soon as comes a thaw.

All your water-pipes will burst.

WISH FOR NOVEMBER

Mr*. Lovechild. HENRY, dear, I wish
you 'd run up to the nursery. I think I
smell smoke.

Mr. Lovechild. Pooh, nonsense, you're
always fancying something.

Enter Jo.i\. O, if you please, M'm O,
if you please, Sir, MASTJR REGINALD has
set hisself and all the beds a-fire with
that gunpowder as he got out of the
Roming caudles master didn't let of.

Mr. Lovechild. 1 wish there waa no Guy
Faux Day. (Sweariny.)

IF I send away an oigan-grinder by
the present of a groat, why do I lose
nothing? Because I nave gained a four-
penny Peace.

A GORDIAN KNOT FOR ROBINSON.

Mits Sdina Hardman. " WOULD YOO BE so GOOD, SIR, AS TO omt HI A LEAD OVER ! "

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1862.

WISH FOR DECEMBER.

Mr. Bachelor Hundt. A happy Christmas to you, niece,
and to your family.

Mrs. Married Niece. Thanks, dear undo, but we won t be
lumped together like that. Hero, come in all of you, kiss
your dear uncle, and I dare say he'll show that he re-
mcmbera you. Come in ELLEN, JEMIMA, GEORGE, WALTER,
MARIA, TODDLES, TIDDLE, and here BABY BLOBBV, come

and kiss uncle. There, another kiss from baby, because
that was a sad slobber there, uncle, wasn't that nice?

Mr. B. II. I wish there was no Christmas Day. ( Wiping
his mouth and feeling in his pocht.)

ADVICE TO EVENINO-PAKTV GIVERS. Don't " keep the
Ball a-going" till you wcsiry out your guests. A. fete de
nuit too often proves a Jilt d' ennui.

THE COMPLIMENTS OP THE SEASON.
FOR a Christmas partner

A mistletoe-kiss.
For a Christmas dun
A dismissal-toe kick.

THE REAL DINNER REFORMER. KINO ARTHUR, when he
istablishcd the Round Table.

SONG BY MR. SOWERBY.

TUB COMPLIMENTS OF TUE SEASON.

" MERRY Christmas and happy New Year ! "
How merry a Christmas 'twould be,

I fancy, for all of us here,
Next twelvemonths if we could foresee.

' \V'i.sh you li.ippy Nuw Year ! " but atllictiuli

Wli;it blessing to bar can avail ?
Many subjects of thut benediction

Have, ere the year's end, gone to gaol.

A STOCK JOKE. The proprietor of a pen of Hampshire
prize-pigs observed at the Cattle Show, "Lookec there,
muu ; that there 's a speciment of my penmanship."

CHRISTMAS WEIGHTS.
THE Boxes on my patience,
The Bills on my pocket,
The Pudding on my stomach, and
The Pantomime on my spirits.

LIGHT BOBS. The Fleas volunteer, and are universally
voted a crack regiment.

January xxxi Days.

February xxviii Days.

March xxxi Days.

April xxx Days.

May xxxi Days.

June xx

x Days.

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August xxxi Days.

September xxx Days.

October xxxi Days.

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PUNCH'S ALMANACK Mi 1868.

AUTOGRAPHS OF AUTHORS,

FOR ALBUMS.

" THE cab was a fast one, and
it scorned but a moment be-
tween the brilliant lights and

sparkling table of the Club,

and the silence of the dark cold
Lane of the Temple. I hurried
towards my chambers, v> ith a
slightly uncertain step, for cham-
pagne is Circe, and us 1 emerged
from the gloomy cloister, I be-
held a monstrous Snake, lying
in all its slimy blackness upon
the pavement, white in the moon-
light. A Snake, of ;\\\ful length,
such a one as met the army of
the conquering HANNIBAL, and
died under the crushing ava-
lanche from the military engines.
M.'iv horrible, tor ut intervals I
couM ik'nt-ry i'l-ul, dwarfed legs,
and could f-cc that the stones were
damp with its hideous slime. Its
head glittered with a fiendish
and lurid ^Icarn, and was up-
turned towards my own windows,
waiting for the Living Flesh.
Magnetic fascination drew me on
against my \\iil; I approached it,
shuddering, and, horror on horror,
stumbled, and fell upon the Beast.
Its clammy chill came upon my
warm hands and face, and then
1 heard a fierce gurgling sound,
und the loathsome Snake vomited

a torrent of 1 know not what

I had tainted. * " * * *

" ' Them firemen ought to bo
ashamed of leaving their pipe to
trip up the gentleman,' said the
Policeman, ' and "
Author of IV hat will he do wUh a
Strange Story f

To ANY ONE FOND OF GOOD SUP-
PERS. Become a Poli<

SEASONABLE FESTIVITIES.

As soon as the frost seta in.
the Serpentine will "receive "
every day. There will not be any
restriction, as to dress. A warm
bath, besides a glass of brandy
find water, will be provided f- >r
all those who happen to drop in.
The outsider's on such a hos-
pitable occasion will not be for-
k"'itten, inasmuch as refreshments
will bo provided on the sjiut f<>r
all those who choose to puy fur
them. Drags will be stationed at
certain distances for the con-
venience of the company, an,l can
be hired (or lowered, if the per-
son wishes it) at a moment's
notice by any one holding up to
that effect his band.

NURSERY RHYME.
TIIKH i; was a young latly of

Hi coster,

One day that her lover had ki.~-.sed
her,

M.-i.l quite perplexed,
And to show she was vexed
She gave such a slap to hoi-
Bister.

PLUCK !

Master Cock-Rubin. "I TELL YOU WHAT, UNCLE CHARLES IF YOU AI;E AT ALL NERVOUS ABOUT THE
GAROTTERS I'LL WALK HOME WITH YOU!"

A FACT IN NATURAL
HISTORY.

IF you are anxious to know
what marvellous things the
tongue of the Adder can d<>, ;r:il
what extraordinary lengths it
will sometimes &> to, listen at-
tentively to a Richmond waiter,
in the height of the season, when
be is reckoning up your score.

AN UNDENIABLE CONTRADIC-
TION. Whitebait is no small fry.

VOICES OF THE STARS, BY MOTHER GOOSE.

MRS. GOOSE'S PREFACE.

DON'T tell me of your ZADKIELS and FRANCIS MOORE Phy-
sicians. I don't valley nayther on 'em a brass farden. They
againt agoin to come over me with none o' their fignarolios.
pother ! There! Give me hold o 1 the 'Strology book, and
if I don't read the Wices of the Stars truer than them, blow in
my face and c;\U me 1'api le 1

JANUARY. Saturn in Libra is he ? Libra the Scales. Ah !
the old gar-pint drat him ! Then there '8 sure to be bobs
and botherations and Barbary q's somewhere. For Saturn
finds some mishtif still for idle hands to do. No doubt but
what there '11 be a rumpus of some sort in France, or else
a to-do in Roosha or Proosha or Hitaly or a mess in Greece,
and goins on in Amerrykey, Turky in Europe, Asia or
Africa. But a fiddlestick for Saturn! I defies him. My
mottar is and hallways wor, "Tell truth arid shame the

divil." Mars in Harris opposite Jupiter and Sun penii-
square to Mackery ; why then in course we rnu.-it cxpt (.
tilings unsettled, partickler washing bills and other little
accounts. The blacks is a risiiV in the Cotton State. 1 -, and a
I'allin' elsewhere ; so much the wus fur linen.

A SERieus FACT. A Preacher of Total Abstinence gravely
delivered the following observation from his platform:
" Gin is a Snare."

DELIOBT or THE HON. TOMJUSPEH (WHO HAS PROMISED HIMSELF A DAT

DLL, INTENDED FOR

( FINDING THAT THE BOX WITH HIS HlTSTER I1A9 BEES LEFT AT CoWI.F.ICln
HEEN BEOUOHT ON TO IlARBORODOH, SHALL WE SAY !

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1863.

AUTOGRAPHS OF AUTHORS,

FOR ALBUMS.

" I KNOW that LAVINJA bos written to
him," said Miss MAI.CUI.M, <juit:tly.

" But she has not moved from the sofa.
The pens h;wu nut been used, and though
tliL-iv we ro live sin-els of n.iU'-paper yes-
terday, ;m<l now tiici 1 .! ;u-<- four, you took
<m<; for little Li cv's bonbons. I have
counted Die uiivelupes, :uid nil arc there,"
1 said.

" Yes, she has written, and .sent the
I .ook out, and you will sco that bia
Min. I is drawn down. Tin it is the white
signal whii-h means 'no danger.' "

" Ha.s HAKAH been in the room?"

"Only once, to take away the soup,
which LAVISIA scarcely touched."

" Did she cat her roll?"

" A immtliful or two of the crumb.
I watched SARAH, and am certain that
\ gave her nothing."

" (iivo me the opera glass," I said
quickly, and I turned it on *
YKHNON'S other window. He was eating
Minu-thing, I fancied with a sort of Oftteu-
talion. A thought flashed on uiy ininil.

"Have you done with the newspaper,
LAVINIA ?" I said.

" Lor, yes " said the invalid, petulantly.
" An hour.

A corner of the paper was gone. It waa
in the Jtoll VERNON v:n eotii.y. Nuw, to
tfet at that scrap. But first, what was
it about? Author of The J)ead }}'.,
Mutt'* Secrtt.

\ SOXG FOR SPRIN'G.

Now behold the buttercup
In the meadows sprin^in;^ up ;
And-Pmu.13 now, with rapture crazy,
Cries out to CHLUE, "Lawk ! a daisy ! "

LIVING LIKE A PRINCE. A certain rich
nobleman, who keeps a French cook, is
accustomed to call his chef " Minister of
the Interior."

CUTTING OBSERVATIONS. Why is a
biting jest like a stale proverb I Because
an old saw must have teeth.

TOO CLEVER BY HALF.

Firtt Bov. "ARE YOU IN A HURRY WITH THAT LETTER, BILL?"

- 1 Ditto. "YES. IT'S TO BE DELIVERED IMMEDIATELY, AND I'u TO WAIT."

Kay. "WELL! WAIT HERE, AND HAVE A GAME AT Pirrii AXD Toss, AND nEi.m
IT IMMEDIATELY ARTERWARDS."

VOICES OP THE STARS,

BY MOTHER GOOSE.

MARCH. Jm.iter a pullin' right ancl
hturn left pull luker, pull t'other, a*
the; .-aym' is which sinniries there mii-t
;md downs. If there ain't ,i
riiilwuy acciilcut in the course of thU
montll, there will be one or more lirtcr,
or in-rijis afore; and some manufacturers

a Ijustes their Ulers. Soi,.
vi.iiiul or other makes a fool of his f,:lf.
Birth i, deaths, and marriages &\>\
the j.apers, a good many complains at
rnoumatu,uid somethlnk "t- other, ni:u-k
my w..rds, is sadMc. liappcn to numeljody
Sevral dogs ind legs in t:il];ed off In tho
:' Commons.

ANSWERS TO CONUNDRUMS.

(Tltt Qv.fitioni, by tome aeciilenl, ham not

yet occurred to ui.)

1. BECAUSE ho 's a Dick Tatur.

2. When he says Gce-hoss-so-fat.

i.'iuse.

4. "Ihc (me is a chin chill, the other

a chin chiller.

5. Victor You-go.

(i. Because it is ail airey-o'light.

7. A weepiiiK Will (oh I)

8. Because it is the Olmar-knaclc.

MATHEMATICS FOR MISSES.

PROP. 1. Theorem. The anglei in a
Square may be <:btute anglei and actite an flu,
as ictU as ripltt angles.

Let A B bo a square, and C D a younj?
lu.ly in it. Now when C D angles i-
a husband in the square, she mav either
hook E F, who makes believe thai
money, or G H who keeps his (
and is as rich as CROSSUS. Of these two
angles clearly the one is an obtuse and
tho other an acute angle. But if CD bo
herself angled for, and caught by a man
who really loves her, this, we are in-
clined to thinly is a right angle without
doubt.

BATHS AND WASIIIIOI-SKS. The beneficent exertions of
sunit uy reformers for the good of tho working-classes in
(KiiM'ly rn -wded districts are never more successful than
when they make a clean sweep.

THE POPLAR UNION.

Tin-: Approaching Marriage of the PRINCE OF WALK

with the PRINCESS ALEXANDRA of Denmark I

Three cheers, boys I

DOMESTIC ECONOMY AND MEDICINE." Stuff a cold," says
the proverb, " and starve a cough." Accordingly a cough
is tho cheaper complaint for a family, because in starving it
you save your butcher's and baker's as well as doctor's bills.

TOM NODDY, WHO is snu. FOND or Urxrixr., HAS A DAY WITH ms FRIEND TTnr,LYOA K , rnio HOT ONLY MOL-NTS HIM, BUT RIOS m* UP n A SUIT OF CLOTHES THAT

MI'IHT 1JAVL i;r:KN MADE KOtl Hi'!.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1868.

AUTOGRAPHS OF AUTHORS,

FOR ALBUMS.

" WOR'S the first stop?" says

MR BOI.TII'.OY.

Well," said the moist lawyer,
lo:,!:i,,:; at the writ, "we must
put in an appearance."

An appearance,' said MR.
BoLTiiiov, thoughtfully. " lhat
will b hard lines, Mi:. TO.MI.ES,
Sir, Imt if you -"ay that's the law,
. use me savin,; contrary.
But I could wish the law ud be
content with something else."

" But it won't," said MB. TOG-
GLES, peremptorily.

' Then, MR. TOGGLES, Sir, we
must give in. But it 's hard lines.
There never were but "no Ap-
pearance in our family in all the
days of its lives and the nights
r. and that you mk;ht have

heerd talk >M l>y your using the
d Egg, which my grand-
hither, OWL BoLTiuov a
called him, not thut he were
ed OWL, quite the reverse,
but in n-jf.ml to his meeting ne
in animals in chiuvh to
which for I won't deceive you he
was not greatly addicted, and he
naterally supposed he ha<l net n
an Angel, till his mind was made
t , -y by the scratching and biting,
wliich is not in the way of angels,
the women who are called
an ;els in a paregoric sense, I TO
1, -rd."

MK. Toooi.ra united ov.
gels, and women in a eoiup n
v, ish, and demanded what
the Devil MK. BOLTIBOY was
talking about. Author of Expec-
tations of Two Great Citia.

Ax ANTITHESIS OF EVILS. Mity
cheese aud weak ale.

VOICES OF THE STARS,

BY MOTHER GOOSE.
APRIL. The first licin' All Fools'
Day, whipper-snapper Bportin'
gents, clerks, shopmen, and 'pren-
! kea uptheirbottin'books.
Tli * > mMt'Ml Ni'\
out with a cock-and-bull Ams-
rieau storv, and tomnoc

I'.ir to practise table rap-
n M, : >,];- in conjunction
with Uranus is he >. If it's a con-
junction, and if the skic.s was to
fall we should ketch larks. St.
1'aul's may becrishci! by a liairy-
jjght who knows? and there's
iii. savin' that th<! N'ew House., of
Parliament wi>n'i be Bwollered
up by a hearUiquake. 'I'l-
be may live to see.

EOIS DE BOULOGNE. FOR CAVALIERS ONLY!

NURSERY RHYME.
THERE was a young lady of

Her eyes were the bigness of

beads,

When they said, " Do ym
squint'."'

replied, " I've got lint,
Which I put to my nose wln-n it
bleeds."

NOTE ON THF: GASIK LAWS.

i called shootiny.
may shoot without a licence ;
but' the stars themselves d,. not
really shoot ; neither do any of
the planets, although they art all
revolvers.

A GIFT is SEASON. On the
first of April the President of the
United Kingdom Alliance for the
Suppression of the Liquor Traffic
receives the present of a Ork-
screw, and a box of Keidlit/
powders.

WHERE DIFFERENT PEOPLE SHOULD LIVE.

LAWYERS should live in Bond Street, Magistrates in Beak

and Parsons and Thief Catchers in Fetter Lane;

I ;', i/iers should live in Glasshouse Yard, Dairymen in ( low

l.nip, IS, ikers in the Rolls' Court, and Sausagemakersiii l.'al-

eatou Street ; Pawnbrokers should live at Balls' POM,' ,

Seamstresses in Soho, Musicians in Bow Street, and 1'rint-
crs in Chapel Place ; Chiropodists should live in Cornlull,
Dentists in Lons Acre, and Undertakers in Bury Street ;
Sc'.ors should alwaysliv: within call of Acton, and Sur
sh mid study to be as close to 'Kalinsf as possible ; Lovers
should live in Pantoii Street or Sizo Lane, newly-married
couples in liar; rtreat, rad old Bachelors iu Vinegar Yard.

PEOPLE WE DESPAIR OF MEETING.

A MUSICAL critic who will call a voice a voice, and not
puzzle simple people by terming it an organ.

A Greengrocer out waiting whose gloves are not too loiv;
for him, or a Hair-cutter who can hold his tongue while he
is operating.

DOOSED AGGRAVATING FOR YOUNG CORNET FLINDERS, YOU KNOW.

J>uiUnff(toaxlnffly to Favourite floci). "!T WAR A NI.-K 'mi.K SOFT XOSF-, IT WAS AND IT HAD vntv Kirn EYES, IT HAD AND IT WAS VI.KV HANDSOME, IT WAR AND IT WASANICE

'ITTLK 8.NC AI.TtniTITHI'.r. ! ! "

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOK LSO:J.

I i

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p rt- ij

fllll

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5 W |g|

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PUNCH'S AL

A DAY

CK FOR 1863.

_ - ~ .,-.---- -

^s==i

f l I

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BIAREITZ.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1803.

AI ioniums OF AUTHORS,

Milt ALBUMS.

" SOME more coffee, MRS.
IlAWKtsLEV, and vex. not thou

th<- ].,.cfs mind with mundane
tnilr.-, 1 ' said her husband, help-
in^, himself to marmalade.

" Hut you'll give mo the

eh<'t|:i.', <'h '.l;i I B, That 's adllck."

" It i>n't. v.innan. it is a phea-
sant. .S!::i!l 1 help you to sumo?"
" No, dear, but give LAURA a

i-'.M. '

" Shu ha h:id one already, illld
yon an. I sli..- a: e in a ronspiravy.
MB. To:'!. describes yen,

'* ' One lulls I'm 1 i;,x<-liL'.|uer and
one stuns thu rolls. 1 "

Author uf the i.'.Yvi 1 J

FOLK-LORE.

Is some rural districts little
boys are aecusti mod to repeat,
as u sort of charm, the follow-
ing stiing uf names deii'itin,-'
coiumon occupations, counted otf
on ihcir lingers: "Tinker,
tailor, soldier, sailer, apothecary,
pi"iuh boy, thief." The collo-
cation of the honest agricultural
youth with ''him as pri.^s wot
isn't hi.- 'n " is inexplicable,
though some reason may be
assigned for conjoining tho
medical man with the practi-
tioner of plunder. The lad of
tlio village lives by tillage, but
the apothecary aud thief butli
live by pill -age.

A FUNG FOR A HORSE-LAUGH.
A timid rider is generally a
good-natured fellow, because ho
is slow at taking a fence.

ILL ! OH, DEAK NO 1 ONLY INDISPOSED-TO WALK.

VOICES OF THE STARS,

BY MOTH Ell GOOSE.

JUNI;. Mars enters Leo, and
the British Lion will show fight
if so be he's attackted, which his

liimemu'.s will think twice about
afore they rouses him. Satum
in the nativity of the HUMPUGR
OF IfAUdXttiA the doose in in it
and afore lung I rut-ken he 'a
like to lose Vonuft. The MUHO
in the natial ii;.^vr of the PKINVB
>,] ruoosiiA makes thin;;* lonk
ray t her Trooshan blue ; j.- t a
sjtot. no more I ope than en-ni-'h
to make a Dutchman a pair of
IHVL-'-IKJS, and perhaps leave a
rjinnant for a Daiie.

NURSERY KUYME.

THERR was a young lady of

Harrow,
Who would go to church in a

barrow,

It stuck in the aisle
And she said, with a smile 1 ,
" They build these here churches
too narrow."

OBSERVATION'S ON GROUND
11 A IT.

BOYS are oftrn taught, though
they never k-arn, toivj/anliMiiii,^
as u cruel amusement, \\ !i a
nevertheless an^lin^, at lua.-,t as
most commonly practised in the
Thames, is universally admitfi-.l
to be particularly and prc emi-
nently the ycitttc craft.

CON BY A CONVEU.SATIONAI.IST.

Why is a negative like fru/ca
rain ? Because it 'a no.

VOICES OF THE STARS, BY MOTHER GOOSE.

JCLY. Mars and Saturn still a goin' of it. Jupiter in

Libra nu-ans BLONDIX balancin* his self upon the tight-rupc

a1>ont this time unless he breaks his Deck afore. More or

i^htin 1 in Chancy, and Gunpowder plots no doubt con-

sortud among them Tea- Pings, The aspic of Mars to

Uranus Ixitokens wann work in Amerrykcy, and likewise

here in the Ayinakin' season.

A SONG FOR SUMMER.
Wi in .^unshine now the Summer's come,
The bee from flower to flower doth hum :
Poor insect ! ah, I know too well
That wa^-work oft turns out a cell.

SLAWKENBEHGIUS ON NOSES. The large aquiline nose of
t/r. Punch is an indication of the ardour of his Jutlyism.

A SMALL CASE OF KEEDLKS.

WUM \N sews, and man reaps the advantage oi K.

Vows, like waistcoat-strings, arc frequently broken,
whun they bind a person too tightly.

When you find your property (but mind not your person)
is running to waste, then only it is justifiable to pull m.

Man without a button is hopelessly adrjit, not less so
than a ship without its needle.

SCENE ON A BRIDGE IN PARIS.

Now, WHAT no yon THIKK is Tim MATTKR HERE? WHY, ALPIIONSE, IN A BOAT ON THE RIVER, HAS JUST CAUOIIT A GODJOS ABOUT IBS SIZE OF ms IJITTLE FINGER I

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 18(>:J.

AUTOGRAPHS OF AUTIIORS,

FOll Al

i<Sri lu DUKE OK

WKLLIMG

Kill Ki'iiiv, lhoii,.]i lie wor-
shij.iwd a duke more than any-

i or out of 11.

not i.'ut down. Tho Duke had do-
, but could
.li;h Hiciiiv.
I I

he said, wii

lli.d it.

i .. iuM n i, i: I wore you. '

.it an impi rt ineiu'e.
lull for

1:1:.!. for 1

here ho
bad tried in vain to ;;<(, a bill

\\
turnin 'oiiliini in-"! ntlj

uers. How s birch!

JJllt, oiitimu.'d,

ling his own monnar, "

nor."

Von i," ," b.

,,,N ; lint id li

ment, -MnilAM. in all her fresh
anl iiearly beauty, entered, and
the 1 1.. ' lltr -

i i' pun ihthatl

one of these days," said '

count. Author ol rinin.i Tanertd
It.

THE I. in: 01 A Sw EI.I.. All's
well if a Swell ends a S .veil as well
as ho 1

*>*S

?s^

" V9^>^w

^ VJ ^>-

>. ^WVNXU*^ .
B?"^ !***

CROQUET.

V'JH:l.s Hi _ nit: ST.MW,

BV .Mo

AuiiCST. '.: o, ahl

l,,it yon b tlm !iriu>.li

l.ion :!-]'. 'p. l-o inonr than H
LV the

],Mt<:i lilt o'
I

t.-oi't tnni out all ino".
Mnch ln'ir drinked ;tt .
___

UNK.S OX AU1U.MX,
BY A GARIJl

CoNVdl.'.

l.ni" i

. i Xymp - '- ; ", il'ou
fuel tue fr>
iiivude.

Sid .Ni rl.uyni:. I ...

III ili:strtH the bed.

i.idii Icaiiiiiilums ;
And HyaciitlLut h.

...^vr^

A MODEJIS OBACIJ:. " As ro-

diet, how alxiut jndt
.' " wiis tho ' ,
t- 1 a uiebmeric soimia
tiaing mcdicino in tin 1
dau-fuyanct. Tho reply of tho
Keor w:is "No bitr biitA! :

AS OilTl-B ASHLE ''

Maid fishing for a conii'Iimcnt.

void- OP 1 1:1: STARS, nv MuTiiia; Qi
REPTI MBBB Wenua and Man ;>i their wt arie
bou( the Ouse o'tl Keydr, praps in tt

' f (i .,. | .,..,,,,,..- andWenra oocaaiona crowned edaand
y , man. There 'aatalk of Invaaion,

endi'n' in snw'ko. Git out I There 's the Wolunlcera ready

ive 'em and my old broonitiek will be about their

hieh, if to l.e fi-i they do eonie, they '11 y away with
' 'em. __^__

THE QUICKEST WAY OF LEARNING FRENCH. Turn English
iM.uuatie Author.

THE RACECOURSE AND THE Kiso.-Sho who take, tt .port-

; , tor U-tter or to- mine, may tmd bun both bettor
and worse than she exacted.

Cox BV A I'oon CROSSIM; SXM.I i'H(.-Wliy is a bneh-
broom like a weeping wfllowl Because it 's a thing as

CROQUET.

Cl mv > of Off^lnl Maidens. "WEIL! IF CLARA AN-D CAPTAIN nr. HOLSTKU A,:E C.O.NO ON is THAT R,I,,CULOUS MANNER-^E MAY AS WFI.L LEAVB OFF

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1863.

AUTOGRAPHS Of AUTHORS,

FOR ALBUMS.

" Do as you like, Bishop," said
MRS. PBOunnjGOR,

Now when JIlis. PHOUDFLESH
told her bishop to do as he liked,
that well educated dignitary
knew perfectly well that if ho
did not do as she liked the con-
sequences would be unpleasant.
He therefore said no more, but
went to Prebend's Buildings, and
knocked at the door of Ivy Nook.

But there was no Dean there.
MRS. ViRGiNALknew herhusband
too well tu leave him to meet his
bishop, and DR. VIRGINAL had
gone to ST. Cnn.itLAiNs tu in-
tl. vt a highly interesting fresco,
just discovered behind the altar.
The Dean liked frescoes or any-
thing else better than disobeying
Mas. VIRGINAL.

O how sorry she was that the
Dean had pone out ! You would
have thought that her pretty eyes
ware really going to fill with tears.

" 1 know who is a humbug,"
thought the hM.up, but he did
not say so, of course, fur hu was
always polite, and humbug is not
an episcopal wonl.

" A new Lamlscer, I see," said
the bishop, for they don't always
itli ta

talk about religion.
Author of Most oj the ticio limelt.

' CRUEL USE OF A SFIAKSPEAR-
IAN MEMORY. " You might buy
rnc some gloves as you come up
Bond .Street, HENRY," said a
blue-cyod wife to a brute. " Au-
orsTA," replied the brute, "you
profess to like SIIAKSPKARE. Do
you remember what Hamlet re-
marks, " Buy, and buy, is easily
said." AUGUSTA looked scissors I

A SOU-WESTER IN A SEA-SIDE LODGING HOUSE.

VOICES OP THE STARS,

ET MOTHER '

OCTOBER. WHAT with Saturn
and Mars conjined and Uranus
at_a stand-still, and the Sun a
goin' right through two on 'em,
and Mars and Jupiter together in
Libra, and Jlackery in the
stationary line, things in gineral
gits into what I calls a utcli-
piitch. Misfurtins no.'.l.s must
appeain the best reglatsd fami-
lies, and, because they never
comes single, in course there
must be unlucky marria/ts.
Domestic troubles may b
pected from foreign Affairs, lie-
ware of iuterestin' furrcncrs as
comes a courtin' your darters,
and mind, afore you kicks 'em
out o' the house, you counts your
spoons.

NURSERY RHYME.

THERE was a young lady of Pin-
ner,

Who said, " How I wish I was
thinner ; "

Said Mamrna, " A good way

To do that. I should say,

A\'as to go for a week without
dinner."

PLEASURES OF MEMORY.

RraiEjiiiCT.iico when you are more than half-way to the
Opera, that you have left your box-ticket at home upon
yo.ir dressing table, and at the same time recollecting that
the overture was what you wished especially to hear

While walking home to dine en famHle with your wife,

A QUESTION FOR LORD
'DUXDWKAHY.

IF a woman mawwy a man,
and her husband dies, what do
people call her? A widow.
^ If she then mawwy asain, au 1
the second hnsi.and di.-s, what
< 'u'.it she then to bo called? A
widower.

RIDDLE FOR A BEUI.VXKR.
Wlion is a cherry bigger than a
pumpkin? When it 's a bigar.,.in.

remembering that you 've asked a few old school-fellows to
sup with you, and have quite forgotten to tell her to provide
for them.

Remembering at bed-time a business letter which your
uncle (from whom you have expectations) begged you to
post l hat morning, and which, you now find, is still in your
coat-pocket.

As you drive to him in penitence next davat seven
remembering that his note of invitation said ' six sli.-r -i, ''
and recollecting that of all things he hates waitin" for Va
dinner.

AN OLD BEAU. STUBBS, at eighty, stained hu hair
and whiskers. He died at a good old age didn't he ?

SEA-FISHING.

, Bt P'RAPS - D Bmra TR v AKOTBER WORM P

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 18(38.

AUTOGRAPHS OP

AUTHORS>

FOR ALBUMS.

" Now, if you ask mo even

in the most delicately p. ri

piir;i.-<tic;d and fin-uni:iiu-

biriit. in. inner \vh;it I ought

' l,ri;t.i'r,

I am iMinpellud to answer
you, in the words of tho bo-
IOVed ltADIOUNDU.3 POTATOR,

cited by An.'oi-'itniAH and

say but you know \ at liu

Uor M . ua revf-

;;rso wo know

what RHAKTSINITUB the Rich,

CllOSIlOKS I'I'KVIS, ''KTRONIUH
\i:r.in.i:, MiM'll ACMrnio-
1 . : ' i. MATH'S,

APHHA HKHN, UANUANELLI,
and Aui.rs GtLi.ius might,
o>u!d, would, should and
ought (or ought not) to have
duno in tin.- i
1 li.d reminds me of an ex-
cellent story (ila <
which was related to me
across a silver samovar by
ADAM MAUBETHO-
wnvn, descendant, but with
thebar minister, of SWALOSLAS
III., on i tn anonymous island
Ol the NYva. ' Little lather,'

AM ." Author of

Jkt Stven Dangerous Sons of
Baddinrrton.

MOOR'S ALMANACK
FOR 1S63.

SMOKY house,

Red-deer frisky,
No Grouse,

And big-still whiskey !

THE GAROTTER'S LUNCH.
As SIR JOSHUA JEBB WOULD GIVE IT.

THE CUROTTEETS LUNCH.

A3 WE WOULD ADMINISTER THE SAKE.

VOICK.S OF THE

BV U<;Tlll U
NoVKMHKK. So i

Mars and Juj.itcr

niiilh;a\en of IJ.UH N.\m-

J.KON. I n]wse that ninninea

hc'a eujoyin' of hiH M/lf at

:iV, and rneuiiu liilo

and i IM: j '! Italiaus a

whititlin for Kuni'.-. Saturn at

hi.s tricks in J.ilir.i, but

,;nd found v

u;k o'
coals we haa in and, iiilf

from tlie lial;cr's; for JMW

:;ly you can't
bai'dly <l

NUKSKRY BHYMK.

XIIKKI; w-n a young lady of

Stroud,
Wbose voice was so awfully

loud,

When sbo went for a walk,
They forbad her to talk,
For fear of attracting a

crowd.

l< On I HORRIBLE, MOT
HORRIBLE ! " Of

General are you n .
by seeing a stable full of
horses eating hay? \Vliy ..t
(irvi.KAL UAY-ONAW, to bo
sure 1

How docs a fellow's marry-
ing a wife influence hi choice
of Counsel? When )
3he(a) he generally g i
Chambers.

A STIXGY LOVER'S PARODY.
O WHY should tho girl of my soul bo in tiers ?

In Boxes the frivolous lounger may sit ;
But it ' more economic, and better one hears,

In the playgoer's place, the fourth row of the 1'it.

THE QUKSTIOX OP THE DAY. Have you been garottcd?

DITTY FOR DINERS-OUT.

REMEMBER, remember,

Dark nights hath November,
See your bowie-knife ready you 've got ;

With a leaded stick and

A revolver in hand,
Beware of the brutes who Garotte.

SEW-SEW. Devote your leisure to needle work. Tho
richest lady in the land is the Old Lady of Threadueedlo
Street.

A COMMON FORM or SHORT-SIGHTEDNESS DURING TUB
HUNTING SEASON T Not being able to see the end of a run

CoNrxoRi-M FOR TIIR COUNTRY. Which wuid does tho
Pig seo pLune.it? The Sou-West.

GOING OUT TO TEA IN THE SUBURBS.

A PRETTY STATE OF THINGS FOB 1862.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK YOU 18(33.

AUTOGRAPHS OF AUTHORS,

FOR Ai.m-xs.

" HE slnod m the InV.v ft
mounted the stone r..j in,-, and behold the

river 1-1"W him, rushin,'. bubhliu.--, hurry-

in" on its way. He drew from his vslvot. o

Ucket pocket in sueeessi-.n the
luiaon, the revolver, and Hi '
knife for lie had ivsolv. 1 to sli-;'' Jf Oii*

taiL and 1" quit the t > neoi bJ i
unmerited anlirti'm-!. Hid no (-till .-mall
voice arrest him i.i his : . and

bid him live and retrieve his errors,
Totrr is Iwifin to !' Alas, who

shall say? He wailed in his fell determina-
tion until a huue large, then hcfi-ru the
towers i'f t'n- Aivh'ii.-hopV. pal.'.-'-. -
the proud priest slui-il-n-d in purplt and
tiae lien, nothinij heeding the -
outcast should -'> 1'im, i iat<

axfurn ,,,. ] shed against her

side he thought, the waves will receive mu
lifeless Then with one wild cry the Wretched
1-1,111 drove the dacr into his bosom,
swallowed the fatal poison, discharged the
,.i-;,.l at hi- bond, an 1 sprung into the
Kl"omv abyss, lint Ins time ' as n"t yet
come.* Author vfAnu i''-a>i .'"/(.

A LOVE SOXG BY A LUNATIC.

Tlirr.l! 's not a spider in the sky,
There's not a gl,,w\vor;.i in tli

There's ii"t a crab that soars on hi;,'h
lint bi'is m-: div ,111, dear maid, of thce I

When watery Pha-lnis ploughs the main,
When t-crv Luna gild* the lea,

As tlies run up the window pane,
So fly my thoughts, dear love, to thce <

CAl .vr.nTISKMEXT).

TO LOVERS OV PET DOGS.
toot ' i;oa Gentleman home on Friday last,
TJtli. an BTCTft 1 hideously i'at Slniel Dog.
If the foolish owner d"es not send for it
immediately, and pay the expenses of this
lulvenisement, the bmte will bo hanged
forthwith. Address, So, Fleet Street

VOICES OF THE STARS,

BV MOTi!!:U <

Itrrotr.En. Andno-.vlhe Moon is afflicted
by f iim.andsotn ito rii f. \>'ell, there, if
Batiirn willonly leave this earth :.! m anyhow
\ve shall haven' merry t'livistioa';. Tlie '^
of all the Stars Is unaoimus in pr<
roastbeef, plum-pndcliii', and mince pie even
to the porpers in tl: I he (Vceduui

of the City ain't in no danger; lint i'
many u Alderman in Chains. Colds and
roughs pi-cvails on Christmas Day, and the
day arter bile and indigeston with nmeh
sickness. Enough 's as good as a feast , and
it deal better, so now to conclude v.'ith
a Happy New Year, and many on 'em ; and
loay none on you ever want a threepenny
piece to buy Punch's Almanack !

NURSERY BHYME.

Tnicr.r: was a young lady of Oldham,
And when she got presents, she sold
'em,

When tolks said, "How mean 1"
Khe replied, " All '& serene,"

And that was the whole that she told 'em.

LOVE AND CALORIC.
ACCORDING to one of the songs of the day,
" Lffix mil Thaw the Ice." It had long been
known that love, like many a skater ahout
Christmas, would break the ice; but u:i
etl'ect in the liquefaction of that suK '
is a discovery. AVill love thaw the ice at 32 ;
In that case, what a comfort it would be, if,
during a hard frost, Love would ;:ot up
betimes of a morning, and impart fluidity
to the contents of the wash-hand-jug!

JmifS (iclio is ualuralli/ pmvd of liis fa-tl-lnrn). "A I.ITTI.K D.MU.INC, AIN
H"cli' lor Friend. "H'li. HA! I SEE YOUNO GORILLA! Is IIL- HEAL OK

'T HE?"

STUFFED? "

"UX SUCCES D'ESTIME."
A FRENCH dramatic author was talV'ng
ahout a " succfi dtftime" at a <
Theatre, when an English civil engineer,
who was present, suggested that "
railway locomotive was the greatest ' suca's
dt steam ' that he had ever known."

RED LE i TEE CARBIEBS. Avoid Slang. Yet you may say
that General Postmen " cut like beans "because they are
Searkt I'.nnncrs.

DOUUI.E FMED. JfADAME RACHAEL the fashionable ona-
mellist is now known by the name of a favourite character
of her celcl u-ated namesake Lecouvreur. ^_

Wnv is a bray like a Christmas-box? Becaxiso the party
who i;ives it is an a^s.

A Kr.EDLE-PolNT. An argument soon drops to tho
ground, and so will a button, unless supported by a thread
strong enough to hold it.

THE GiiK.vn-sr CHRISTMAS CRACKER. Every Theatre's
pnui-tual Christmas statement that its particular panto-
mime is " the very best of the season."

A FACT FOR THE FRENCH. Vaccination was an L
discovery, and yet a JEXNER-OUS idea.

\ N

CHRISTMAS EVE.

Ellm (icho it to simple). " Xow, PRAY TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, FRANK! WHAT is IT THESE DREADFUL GAROTTF.RS CALL 'GiviHO ONE THE HUG?"' [FRANK sloits her pnsenlly.

.S,,,,r;li,H,,, I;, M
J . *(. Ch. IS Tu

S. m IK ill! Li" W

. ,
Kplphy

Komuy

Tu M. 1.4 .13m 2H Til

JS ,f.Kpip

I'r.KM.

W.ct b

K.l lnn

Vm""

Pitt 41 806

S.p.,,.*. S
Cn S. f.ul
Brwil di.

I'rvtcolt "

* r. 71, 46m
8..4M3ra

S*j,

July xxxi Days.

O.f.T.T ..

7 Su- f.Tr.

[18511

it.Sn. .if.Tr.
Sherlock d.
l'trrch d.

1'i.rt. Cmiil
S. r. 7h;tlni
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[1855

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August xxxi Days.

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ft.. 1844
Pr. Alfred

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September xxx Days.

T,. G.n.Wolf.
W W.llm.m
[d. 185J

fi>
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A r. 61.35m 1 7

un.rig b.
und.
[1857.

K-.t. T.b. ai>:

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October xxxi Days.

Cm. M. T.b.

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November xxx. Days.

All s*,,,i.

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December xxxi Days.

ILIlJ

.-. .71i4. 178

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PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1864.

OUR GROWLING BARD.

PRELUDE.

WE live in changes, which imply
Improvements, as some men

assert.
I change my money, and my

Bhirt,

But that the world improves,
deny.

Revered old Punch, accord me

space

In this your royal Almanack :
For, through tho Months, I

hope to smack

Improvement on its insolent
face.

I.
WE ride ill railway cars where

gas
Flares bright, that he who

rides may read :
Why, let the blockhead, but,

indeed,
A railway reader is an Ass.

Tho Public's eyes are dimmed,

;iii'l wrung
Fivm reading when they didn t

ought,
And penny wisdoms dearly

bought

At price of eyesight lost when
young. ^

ORNAMENTAL WATER. Tho
most ornamental is that which
has the most wavy curls playing
round a quantity of pretty little
ducks.

THE IMPERTINENCE [The rea-
son why ladies' watches are
made of the diminutive size they
are, is because tune is generally
such a very small object in a
lady's eyes.

THE SENSATION NOVEL.

n>R I'VE GOT THE LAST ONE DOWN, AND IT'S PERFECTLY DELICIOUS.
FOURTEEN PERSONS ARE POISONED BY A YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL GIHI
s, HANGINGS; IN FACT, FULL OF DELIGHTFUL HORRORS I "

A MAN MARRIES HIS
. FORGERIES BY THE

OUR GROWLING BARD.

H.
A WIRE is touched by femala

hands,
(That ever like to do with

sparks)
And lightning flies with your

remarks
To distant friends in foreign

lands.
The foreign clerk, with smirk

serene,
Transcribing what you deemed

so plain,
For Jane IMS wedded Thomai

Grant

Writes Jane has wetted Turnham.
Green.

NOTES OF THE MONTH.

Jem. 2. Day breaks at 0'2. That
is certainly very late for day to
break hut never too late to
rncud. The days get out soon
enough, and the ticket of leave
men too soon.

Jan. 11. Plough Monday. Far-
mers mind your ploughshares,
and Capitalists, look to your
shares in the lines intended to
plough up London.

Feb. 2. Candlemas Day and St.
Jilaise. As the laundress justly
remarked, Blase's conies natural
next to Candlemas I>ay.

Fib. 17. Ember Week begins.
Now 's your time for 'taters all
hot.

A BEAUTY TO DRAW us WITH
A SINGLE HAIR ! A Scotch
Countess, whose ringlets wo
may say without hesitation, are
decidedly several nuances stronger
than what is politely called au-
liurn, is always priding herself,
011 belonging to the hair-red-itary
peerage.

THE SUN IN " THE SIGNS."

ARIES.

BRIGHT Phrebus at The Ram. ascends his car,
But first partakes of something at the Bar.
His rays illumine ale of amber, old,
Or turn a pewter-pot to burnished gold.

A COMMERCIAL TKUTH. Money, like a boot, when it's
tight, is extremely tryi--

STREET MORALS.
FRIEND CACKLFS, doubtless, knows a lot,

His sentiments are very fine,
But 'twill be best to see him not,

When you are hurrying home to dine.

DEFINITION. The capability for describing from personal
experience the highest points in a mountainous region, is
called, a Top-ographical knowledge.

THE SUN IN " THE SIGNS."

TAURUS.

GLORIOUS Apollo now has reached The BM,
Where he pulls up, and takes another pull ;
Earth's signs arrest the driver, passing by :
So do the public-houses of the sky.

THE FIRST LAW OF NATURE and more especially at a
Theatre an the first mght~is Order.

^^BSSSfiSflW*^ ,

SS*SN^ ^v, *

nard-ridlna Toimg My. " Crr Miss GEOEOINA DOW* THAT TIME, I FASCT, AND HAVI GOT INTO THE SAME

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1864.

NOTES OF TOE MONTH.

JI/nrcA V. The feast of PerptlvM,
that is Jutty by conjunction.
7V.H.-/1 f,,r over I

March 21. Benvlict. The name

Of this Saint means bli'ssi ,1, : ln ,l
is "fttm used to .signify ;i

t* '. Why ilu we never hr:u- it,

applied 1.) a liu.sl.ainl win. has
pasted hi* honeymoon ? A
iii.iy l.e suj.pused to have the lot
"l l^'jif licL in view when ho de-
that ho '11 he blest if ho
over marries.

A STANZA FOR SPRING.

SEE, now reminded by the wca-

Tho birds work hard their nests

to feather ;

And thou, iny son, think not of

rest,
Till thou hast feathered well thy

nest.

USEFUL FAMILY RECIPE.
To Stuff a 7/tir. First catch

your heir: then invite him to
your table, and stuff him with

'" <'"' I I thing* that you are

able, in pressing them upon him
do not be rebuffed, and if your
heir bo young he will Boon bo
nicely stuffed.

Q. IF the Clerk were to burn a

past th: in church, what would be
the effect ?

A. The congregation would bo
incensed, and the parson in a

fume.

A CONTRADICTION IN TERMS.
The very bluntest observations
are often pointed.

SUBSTITUTE FOR EAU SDCR*E.
Take a quantity of slush, and
sweeten it with charcoal

A GROAN FROM TOE
M'KAKKR'S CHAIR.

II. P. whoa he gets on his leg*
should bear in mind that the
standing order demands concise-
ness, and he should, therefore,
;tly over tho heads of his
nt. In thU respect the
us may take

a hint from the cutftur of a Na-
tional School, who having heads
i with all possible
i Ucular to a
hair, but cuts it short.

Landlady. ft YES,
WAS A-OOINO TO

BOARD AND LODQINa I

SIR, THE BOARD WERE CERTINOLY TO BE A GUINEA A WEK, HOT I oron 1 ! KNOW AS YOO
" AT " B m THE SEA BEFORE BREAKFAST AND TAKE BOTTLES or TONIC DURING THE DAY I "

A STORY FROM SUFFOLK.

HODOB to the Squire's once went

to dine,
And drank his fill of beer and

wint:.
Next day, being asked how he

had i
Says he, "U'yow know I sununut

rtsmd
That artor guttlin' soup an' fish,

A.;' ' ': - :i in I aflw iii h,

Flumpoodden, an' sich thiilgi as

i iruwt me in plain bread
and cheese 1 "

CHESTERFIELD'S ADVICE TO RIB
NEWLY MARRIED SON. Never
interrupt ladies when speaking,
you may hear of something to
your advantage. If there is any
exception to this rule, it is per-
haps where one of the inter-
locutors is your mother-in-law.

FACTS is PHYSICS. A bashful
gentleman happening to meet in
the street a lady of his acquaint-
ance for whom he entertained a
budding affection, suddenly lost
his head and dropped his eyes.
The case has been referred to an
eminent surgeon.

OUR GROWLING BARD,
in.

Go, poso yourself, and do not laugh,
The lens is hid, the trick is done,
And in a brace of shakes the sun

Has fixed you in a Photograph.

" Well, he's not handsome, in the least,"
Say those to whom your portrait 's shown,
Though in your wife's eye, and your own,

You 're rather a good-looking beast.

A FAVOURITE dish of the wild animal hunter. GORDON
CUMMINO, is Saurusmt de Lyom.

THE SUN IN " TUB SIGNS."

GEMINI.

DiLiua to feel the call of thirst begins
Again, and checks his cattle at The Tmtu ;
The Jove-born Chicken and Ledrean Pet
Detain nun o'er a pint of heavy wet.

ilNESS 1 "

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 18(54.

HINTS ON IIOUSE-IIIRINO.

BY A CLOWN OF THE OLD SCHOOL.

\VIIKN you see a house to let,
knock at the fnmt door, and,
wlirii tho cook or housemaid
opens it, chuck her underneath
tho chin, or prod her in the ribs,
saying with great tenderness of
fculing, " Kiirrrrrrrck I " Then
tall violently in love with her,
and at once ih-mand a kiss, tell-
ing her " O MAEF.ARY, I loves yer
toiutwtnctionl" If she declines
to let you kiss her, twitch off
her white cap and stick it on
your he;id, and then make faces
At her till she screams and runs
away, of course leaving the front
door open. Yoxi may then enter
the house, and, if yo find it
empty, take immediate posses-
sion, and show your right to do
so by smashing all the furniture
and flinging it out of window.
Should the rightful owner show
himself, and seem inclined to
m:ike remonstrance, pitch a pil-
low at him, or cover him with
flour, and, when he is half blinded
with it, hit him in the bread-
basket. It' a policeman interfere,
pick his pocket of his truncheon
and hit him on the head with it :
or if you prefer it, draw a sword
from somebody and cut off the
policeman's head with it. Then
you may live happy in the house
that you have hired, until the
p host of the policeman comes at
night to haunt you.

SUPERFLUOUS PHILANTHROPY.
Tho idea of imparting polish to
Japan is like that of carrying
coals to Newcastle.

MEDICAL MYTHOLOGY. Ana-
fitheeia is the daughter of Chlo-
roform.

LONDON CREAM. THE PRODUCE OP WEST-END DAIRIES.

Coot. "DO YOU CALL THIS CREAM? WHY IT'S THINNER THAN MlLK I "

Milkman. " On, ALL IT WANTS 13 WELL STIRRING UP. THE CREAM 's AT THE BOTTOM !

CONS FOB CIVIL SERVICE
CANDIDATES.

1. WHY should you never cx-
pc'i-l t.i find hot Curafoa in a
yuart Pot ?

Because it would be the last
common multiple (mulled tipple)
iu tho greatest common measure.

2. What is there extraordinary
in tho Kulcs immediately follow-
ing Proportion !

That they are infractions (in

Fractions. )

[ We beg to tuggest these ipecimenl
of the" Art of ingeniously Tor-
menting," for the next Rrjtort
of the Civil S.rvice Commis-
sioners.

STREET MORALS.

VILE is the smell those cook-
shops spread,
Yet, Swell, keep down that

nose, you know,
Thy bank may break, thy aunt

may wed,

And thou come dining for a
Joe.

HOROLOOICAL THOUGHT. You
can stop a Clock, at any moment,
but you cannot stop a Watch.
The same remark, my brethren,
applies to the stopping the talk
of a Man, and of a Woman. He
is a great, coarse, ugly machine,
but you can silence him. She is
a beautiful, fragile, jewelled thing
but she will run on until she
stops of herself.

USEFUL FAMILY RECIPE. To
Pluck a Coost. To do this you
have only to send your goose to
College, and the chances are that,
when he is examined, you will
find him plucked.

OUK GROWLING BABD.

IV.

AN angel wife whose hand has spilt
A previous husband's Mood : a son
Whom strychnine helped to heirship

Or more such types of household guilt

Are household study now. A smudge
Of gore, or else the Tale 's a bore.
Improving ! Yet was never more

Employment for my lord tho Judge.

ETHNOLOGICAL. The language of the Bosjcsmans is sup-
posed to bo a dialect of Bosh.

THE SUN IN THE SIGNS.

CANCER.

SOL'S handsome trap lo standing at The Crab
As oft below we see a Hansom Cab.
Thy son, Latona, baits his horses hero,
And has another quantity of beer.

THE NURSERY FOUR-IN-HAND CLUB.-THE FIRST MEET OF THE SEASON.

Matter Robert (log.). " HERB, JAMES, JUST STAND BY THAT BAY FILLY. SUE'S RATHER FRESH THIS MORNING I"

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1864.

OUR GROWLING BARD.

v.
SAINT Martin, Idly called Lo

Grand,
Solids me twelve postmen every

day,
With twelve deliveries. I may

Bay
My knocker's never out of hand :

I tliink the system very wrong.
And often wish Saint Martin

kickivl,
Why dues he teaso mo, and

inflict
Loquacity the whole day long !

USEFUL FAMILY RECIPE.

To DM a Sort. Invite your
bore to dinner, and us an ad-
ditional inducement fur him to
bo sure to coino, just drop a casual
hint that you intend to havo
noino turtle. Tins you will bo
careful to forgot to order; and it
you toll your cook to send up
nothing in it-s place, and then
let your bore sit down to a cold
shoulder of mutton, with no
pudding to follow, you may rest
aiKuivil that ho is very nicely
dished.

A LUMINOUS APPEARANCE.

SPARKING, stooping over the can-
dk>, srt his heail in a blaze. LAR-
KIN9 told him that he made a
regular meteor with his hair
o' light.

GASTRONOMY. The term Gas-
tronomer was originally applied
to M. SOYKR, on account of his
gas apparatus In the Reform
kitchen.

NOTE OF THE MONTH. Afoy23.
Night all twilight. " day and
night, but this is wondrous
strange ! " Half-and-half is a
seasonable bcvi

THK TON IN "THE SIGNS."

LEO.

THE Bright One's next etage At

Tllf 1. l:l C-ll'lH,

And, whilo htsreckingstecdstho

t und*,
Mino host makes ha-ito to servo

hfa brilliant gnu*t
With somo of that homo-browed

l his thu boat.

STREET M<>i:\;
crossing-sweepers aro a

W . |,.id, in rates, for what

, do,
Give olio, give all. You '11 find It

i,. ,;
Never to give one single ton.

REAL TRAGEDY

Old Party (proprittar of natty yapping Pet Dog.) " On, POLIOEICAK I MY DARLING FLO JUST BIT THAT
HORRID'MAN'B LEO, AND HE HAS HIT HIM WITH HIB CASE."

HIGHLAND LAUIUM.

(u.\rn:i> l.j i !ll< I'MSTASCES.)
Cai.ny Scotchman vititing London

for tftejlrtt tune.
On, where ! and oh, where I U

that wily Cahl.ygoneT
He's gone to ret some change,

ami 1 hope ho won't Ih
And it's "Owe !" fortopartwith
my money I wa wrong.

Hio JACET VKRITAS. Truth
: a well. N>

Hophy calls so
r it no answer is rc<
for if Truth lies in a well, who
can truly affirm, that it hasn't
kicked the bucket!

POKTICAL. The Poot DRAYTOW
describes Queen Mitb't chariot OM
drawn by gnats. This, say un-
certain Commentators, la the first
Instance on record of a guatty
turu-<mt.

THE IRON RACEHOHHE. An
Express Locomotive may be
c .ilU-d the High Metall'd liacer. ,

COKFURION OF RACES. So gross is the dishonesty preva-
lent on the Turf, that even the sporting gents decline to
b'ick the favourite at Epsom, as they say, for foar the
[KM I'V should turn out a hoax.

A FACT FOR MAY MEETINGS. An uncommonly zealous
Missionary proposes to send out a cargo of Richmond Maids
of Honour to wean the Fans of the Interior of Africa from

I'.uinib.JiMil.

ELECTRICAL SCIENCE. It Is well known that the domcstio
cat, if rubbed in the dark, will emit sparks of cloctriclty.
This kind of lightning on a small scale is only a bt-utum
futmen.

THE DOG-DAYS!

ls( Fancier. " Now ISN'T HE, GEOROTE I VOR BREED AND SHAPE AND MAKE, THE MOST I.OVELY LITTT.K

'.'.( Jt.tfn. " \Vt:ir,, DKAH, HE (FRTAINM.V IS VKHY H.\NI^oME, BUT TO MY TASTE MY LITTLE TREASURE Pl'COY 19 PERFFCTTOW, AKP BO AFTECTIOVATE ! "

3rd 2>Uto. " DID THEY PRAISE THE OTHER Does ? LITTLE CHARLIE WAS A DARLING; HE WAS, HE WAS, HE WAS III"

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1864.

USEFUL FAMILY RECIPE.

To Clean White Kid Glnvtt.
Soak them in bo i 1 ing water for a
fortnight, taking gn-at care that
the water is kept always "on the
boil." Then make a good lather
with brown Windsor soap and
beeswax, and wash your gloves
with it until you have reduced
them to a pulp. Put them in A
stewpan and keep them gently
simmering on the hob for a mouth
or two, then stretch them to your
shape, and hung them up to dry.
Perfume them with turpentine
and a dash of assafcetida, and
your gloves will be quite clean
and fit for ball-room use.

QUEER QUERIES.

OUGHT a pair of trousers which
have been obtained on credit to
be legally regarded as breeches
of trust V

When a man happens to speak
with a quiver in his voice, is it
right to think his speech an-ar-
row-minded one ?

Would a promissory note which
is made payable at sight be a
legal tender to an inmate of a
blind asylum?

AN- EMBLEM IMPROVED. A
symbol, commonly supposed to
represent Eternity, is the Ser-
pent with its tail in its mouth.
This is a mistake. The Serpent
with its tail in its mouth more
truly represents Economy, as it
makes both ends meet.

AN INFALLIBLE SPECIFIC. The
Universal Vegetable Medicine is
a certain cure for inflammation
in the eyes of potatoes.

OVER THE WAY-THE INVALID.

OUR GROWLING BAUD.

VI.

ARMS of precision we desire :
Two minions vanish, melted

cash,
And then, alternate, go to

smash

Big gun and target, when we
fire.

re.

Let 's hope. But nero *s a good

way too :
Discharge your guns. Amid

the smoke
Lay the ships close, then,

Hearts of oak,

Board, slash, gash, hash, and
Kina.sh Mussoo 1

SPIRITUALISM.

WHEN the Magian HOME was
visiting the Tuileries, it is re-
ported that he caused the shade
of the Great NAPOLEON to appear
to his Imperial Nephew. MR.
HOME, on being subsequently
blamed fur extrava^aiico while
staying in Paris, replied that,
" He had fared very well, since
he had managed to make both
N's meet."

IF a Mule Pig took to literary
composition, under what signa-
ture would he write ? None ; ho
would probably use a sheep- pen
and remain aii Ink-'og.

STRANGE SUPERSTITION. At
Abbotsfoid a little child's Cradle
is shown, uot as belonging to the
great poet, but as being actually
SIR WALTER'S Cot !

THE TRAVELLER'S TROUBLE.
The hardest of hard lines are
the contents of Brad thaw.

THE SUN IN "THE SIGNS."

VIROO.

TJte Virgin's charms our Cynthian's chariot stop,
Again he rests and tikes a little drop,
The Hebe of the Tap supplies the glass ;
A sympathetic wink rewards the lass.

MOTTO FOB A HAIRDRESSER. Cut and Comb again !

A STANZA FOR SUMMER.
BRIGHT Phoebus, with his face so red,
Now leaves at four his ocean bed :
My son, if tnou would'st also shine,
Thou must not lie a-bed till nine.

A PERIPATETIC PHILOSOPHER AND DISCIPLE OF OLD
IZAAK. HOOKEY WALKER.

STREET MORALS.
I DO not bid you shut your eyes,

Yet if you look at shops, no doubt
Unless you're most uncommon wise,

You '11 buy what you can do without.

SIGNOR FRANCATELLI has discovered a now method of
mashing potatoes : they will be done by mnsli-inery.

HOW NOT TO DO YOUR DUTY TOWARDS YOUR NEIGHBOUR J-THE ORGAN-GRINDING NUISANCE

Old Lady (!) " BOTHER OVER THE WAY ! WE LIKE THE HonoiNS ! '

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1864.

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P - s

IMITATION OF HORACE.

An attempt at a Classic Metre in a
very small quantity: dedicated
to MR. ALFRED TENNYSON.

THE Argument is on this wise,
in the first line a Fanner ex-
presses his disgust at the detri-
ment done to his seedlings ; a
Friend makes him a present of
plenty of new potatoes, where-
upon he asks his companion to
" liquor up." The commence-
ment of line 3 is placed in the
mouths of both speakers ; first as
wine in the mouth of his friend,
secondly as an expression of ad-
miration for the quantity of pota- ,
toes presented to him in that of
the farmer. The next expression
(''all in rows") alludes to the
plan of arrangement whirh his
servant is following, and this
changes into a desire to dress,
go out, and do the work himself.

(" Perticos Odi")
Pussy cats hate I over my pota-
toes.
Present sent next me ? Fill

away, my Crony 1
Pretty sack ! all in rows. Ah, to
look o 'er em

Barah, my Gaiters !

GENUINE ARISTOCRACY. The
Landed Gentry of England have
boon censured for pride of birth,
and the Farmers for clownish-
nc-s ; but the Fat Cattle Show
warrants the former in boasting
of their Stock, and also attests
the Litter's good breeding.

l<^

OYSTERS.
Itinwant Oyster-Man. "Xow, THEN HAVE ANOTHER DOZEN, IF YOU'VE GOT ANY MORE MONEY ! I T>

USEFUL FAMILY RECIPE.

To make Strawberry Jam. Take
two score of Straw berries, British
Queens, if you can got them, and
the biggest you can find. Pick
them carefully from their stalks,
and place them on a clean des-
sert-plate. Sprinkle them with
fine white sugar, powdered in a
mortar. Then bike a dessert-
spoon, and, if you are wise, pro-
ceed to eat thirty-nine of them :
after which, by simply placing
the fortieth in the crevice of an
open door, and violently slam-
ming it, you may make jam of
your strawberry to your heart's
content.

STREET MORALS.

CARTS, cabs, and vans 1 You '11

dash across.
Hear what a Jew said to me

once,

" Praps, shir, you'll shave a mi-
nit's loss,

And praps you'll be laid up for
munce."

AN EXPENSIVE RESEARCH.
Pearls are found in oysters, and
oysters rarely cost more than a
shilling a dozen, but still it
strikes us that a mail would
have to shell out to a pretty con-
siderable extent, before he could
expect to meet with a singlo
pearl.

WHY AND BECAUSE. "Why is
a person of an cvon temper like
Greek fire ? Because you can't
put him. out.

OUR GROWLING BARD.

VIII.

FROM Battle-Bridge unto the Bridge
Below the Monument to SCOTT,
(On which they spent a precious lot)

Beneath EDINA'S hog-back ridge,

Ten hours will take us. Are the Scotch

Improved ? Have they learnt soberer ways?
Are not their Sundays penal days ?

Eat they not haggis, oats, hotch-potch ?

ODE TO MY WIFE'S MILLINER.
DEARER to me than I dared to think !

Dearer to me than the flowering Pink !
Dearer to mo than many I 've known

Of the little Milliners now full blown.
Ah ! When she came for her bill to call,

Then, then I found she was dearer than all.

ADVICE TO COOKS. Beware of a blazing fire ; and don't
dress your meat in Crinoline.

THE SUN IN "THE SIGNS."

SCORPIO.

THE vehicle of him that Python slew
The Scorpion hails, arrived as soon as duo,
That Scorpion's stingo is its only sting ;
He tries it, and declares 'tis just the thing.

FAST AND SLOW. No fast man now any longer scoffs at a
thinking one as a Slow Coach. He calls him a Parliamentary
Train.

AN INCIDENT OF TRAVEL.

Monthly Nuru, " BUT I CAN'T FIND MY. Box, 8m! "

Palti-familioj (furioui.) "CONFOUND YOUR Box! Yon MUST OET IN AND LEAYE IT, AND \VE'LL TELEOKAPH FOR IT. COME I THE TRAIN'S BTAHTINO!'

Monthly Jturu. " On YES, Sin, THAT'S ALL VERY WELL. ONLY I THOUGHT AS MY Box HAS GOT ALL YOUR PLATE AND LINEN IN IT," &c., &e., &c.

DID YOU TWIG HER

AN'CLE?

(A Song to be Encored at any oftht

Mut'tc Halls.)
AH I strolled down Piccadilly,

A scrumptious gal I met,

Her n:tiiH! wns J ANK JEMIMA,

And her hair was in a net :

lit r cheeks were red .is m-ies,

Her lint was a porkpio,
AIM just to show her petticoat
Her dress was held up hij.;li.
CAornJ (in which the rnlit>>

audience all j"in.)
O did you twitf her ancle ?

Tuo nil !<)> ral li do.
wasn't it galnpflhaal

Too ral luo ml lay I
[And so on for a tcore or to of filly,
tfHadess verses, with sho-ttig o,t\d
iltrii'lcg oftapture at the end of
evtry verte.

THE SUN IN "THE SIGNS."

SAOlTTARira.

The Archtr next arrests the drag
of day,

So four-in-hand tho " Robin
Hood" might stay,

Here Smintheus, parched with
still recurring drought,

Allays it with a swig of extra-
stout.

NOTK FOR THE MONTH. Sept. 1.

St. Partridge and St. Giles. In

h"in>ur of the former Saint tho
liirds are peppered, and out of
rrspeet to the latter, Qiteg Scrog-
gini'i Qhost is exhibited by PEP-
I'KK at the Polytechnic, and walks
the theatres.

EXTRAVAGANCE IN FASHION-
Am.B LIKE. When Poverty
comes in at the door, the Turkey
carpet hangs out of the window.

MICHAELMAS DAT.

THE INVITATION.

COMK dine with mo on Goose-day,

I ' vu lost your right address, to

Bend at random,
I 've got a goose, you can't refuse,

];n-, :i4

" Do 6foo-tibufl," you know,
" nou dinpu turn! urn."

TIIK REPLY.

AT that day's dinner with you

I'll be ficcti,
Siu It in the purport of my pro-

tho Goose has made my

BT XK,

And hunger for your Goose,
friend, is my Anter.

THE FANCY FAIR.

Slmnor. "Too BAD BETTER BOY SOME or MY CIGARS COME TAKE ONE I"
Young Smll. " A A THANKS, No I NEVER SMOKE ! "
Sttanor. " WHAT 1 NOT IF I BITE orr THE END I "

HEAR BOTH SIDES.

MASTERS and MUtrauca are
fond of calling sorvanta " the
greatest pUgues of life." Wo are
extremely curious to know what
Bcrvanta are in the habit of coll-
ing their masters and mlatreaaei!
Depend upon it, it is something
extremely endearing I

FASIHOS. A thort Ome ago
there was in vogue a head-divss
culled the sugarloaf bunuet.
Young ladies generally r n-
biderud it a sweet thing.

MEDICAL ECONOMY. Parents
and Preceptors will effect a great
saving by recourse to the newly-
discovered Family Pills for cre-
ating a bad Appetite.

NOTE ON MICHAELMAS DAY.
Oeese now arrive at an ago of
discretion.

THE COP THAT NIITBEBClICEKg

KOR INEBRIATES. The hiccup.

OUR GROWLING BARD.-IX.

EACH playhouse boasts its hosts of Ghosts,

Raised up by PEPPER, KINO, or DIRCK,

Henceforth no fearful foot will shirk
The churchyard dim, or whiU-arined Post

Yet are we wiser? Come, declare,
Quack RAPHAEL, or thou, blunderer lame,
MORRIS, who borrowest ZADKIEL'S name

What myriads buy your idiot ware.

UNIVERSAL Music. A Bank Note.

A STANZA FOR AUTUMN.
Now ranging o'er the fields, my son,
The sportsman aims the deadly gun ;
Bee thou at small birds never aim,
Or Punch will of thyself make game.

THE RISING GENERATION.

' ("fl"f"" '< '/.) " WHV^CORNRYX! WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS? Miss ALICE PERCHED ON HER PAPA'S Bio HORSE, AND THE POXY BROUGHT TOR ME|"

fES, MA AM! YOU SEE, MA AM, MISS ALICE SAID AS YOU WAS KATUIER NERVOCS, AND SHE THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD GET OX BETTER WITH TOM TlT."

JT U JL\ V;!

JA7VX.

THE GREAT BEAUTY OP
PHOTOGRAPHS.

TnEiRgreat beauty is, that they
provoke conversation. They fur-
nish innumerable heads fur dis-
cussion. If the cook happens to
be late for dinner (;uid cooks ge-
nerally are), they will find how
invaluable these new " Heatiaof
the People " are, anil what- ;i-'tv<>
able reading they will supply to
even the hungriest, as its illus-
trated pap. 1 * ] 'iv.teiit some new
feature at every turn. Kvi-n an
Alderman would forget his appe-
tite in devouring its contents.
The amusement, too, is all the
greater as it give.* one an oppor-
tvinity of criticising friends, imt
only to their faces, but behind
their backs. A Photographic Al-
bum is the ni'^t anuiMii^ ante-
prandial friend that a lady could
have in her establishment. In
fact, no res[>ectable drawing-room
is complete without cue, at the
very least.

RETRIBUTION.

BOLD Chanticleer proclaims the

morn.
He used to wake me up at |

down,
Weep, DAME PARTLETT, weep

and mourn,
With nice bread-sauce your

mate has gone !
So tough was he, so long since

born.

He woke me up again next
morn.

CURE FOB BALDNESS. Onions
rubbed frequently on the head
are said to restore the hair.
They will certainly make it grow
strong.

A CORDIAL FRIEND. Old Tom.

THE STEAMER.
OLD MR. SQUEAMISH, WHO DAS BEEN ON DECK FOR ins WRAPPER, FINDS HIS COMFORTABLE PLACE

OCCUPIED BY A HAIRY MOSSOO !

A BALLAD BY A BEDLAMITE.

O COME to the West, love :
Come, jump there with me:

Like cucumbers drest, love,
How happy wo '11 be I

Bright thunder and lightmug
Thy hah" shall entwine,

And we Ti quaff rosy whitening,
And spirits of wine !

So slumber, my darling,
To the West let's away,

For the crow of the starling
Proclaims it is day.

To the heights of the ocean wo '11

Start a balloon,
Or tly in a diving-bell

Up to the moon 1

USEFUL FAMILY RECI-PE.

To Remove Corns. Cut away
as much of your corns an you
are able, then place your kitchen
poker in the fire and, when
it i.s white-hot, apply it pretty
freely to each corn in succession,
until you feel quite certain, that
they are all removed.

LITERARY NOTICE. Bool* for
every Month. The Banker's I!<>ok,
illustrated with figures. The
Butcher's Book, motto, " The
tinier arc out of joint." " Some
Suits fur a Barrister, with a long
account of the Same," by our
own Tailor,

NOTE FOR THE MONTH. Oct. 25.
Crispin. A Saint of the last gene-
ration ; a great mender of soles ;
he showed his humility in v, rar-
ing highlows. He wrought many
wonderful works of heeling, and
is said to have predicted Balmoral
boots.

OUR GROWLING BARD,
x.

** NEVER so easy as 'tis now

To Correspond," Improvement cries ;

I tell Improvement that she lies,
And bellows like a vain old cow.

You write with scratchy splotchy steel,
Your envelope 's a treacherous foe :
Your servants steam its gum, and know

Your love, and what you owe for veal.

A SPORTSMAN'S MORNING COMFORT. There is no such
liquor as your Foxhunter's Early Purl.

THE SUN IN " THE SIGNS."

CAPRICORNL'S.

Now has the Laurel- Crowned, at Delos born,
Got on again as far as Capricorn,
The Goat ; at which he lingers, just toqnuff
A cool refreshing pint of half-and-half.

Jmei (who Jiai accipttd a mount with the Harrter, became it l> all galloping and no obstacles). " OH, YES, LET mil COME I THAT '3 ALL VEKY WELL. WHY, IT 's LIKE THE

SIDE OF A HOUSE."

TOASTS AND SENTIMENTS
A L'AMERICAINK.

For a Domettic Anniversary.
The wives of our (shirt) buzzums I
May they have fl risers up to but-
tons, and souls abuve them !

For a Social Science (,'nflirrinff.
The rights and d i it !
May tin; Im-i'Mir-liiX COUttOtOV

never como upon us for tho one ;
and tho liovermnciit trust ua to

:i ill'- other I
for a I'ettry Dinner.
self-goveninifiit ! M ;ty the hum
of the Humble K-e utill be hoard
in th tK>ard room, and tlio gold-

lilCC of ]Ji-:t<l!i-i|..ni In- ILM1.L'

by tlio withering breath uf ccu-

STREET MORALS.

THE Cabman, who, about to start,
Asks ym "WhiT 's that, Sir?"

hopes t" rlir.i! ;
Answer, "Find out!" As straight

(Utt

He'll drive you to tho given
street

SMART SAYINGS.

GRACE before mc.it as tho
young lady saiil v.'heti she laced

" AI-C* im It tWt'ir," as tho
hard 1', : t<> the water-

pipe.

" Ce n'et tjue U prnnitr pat qui
cniltf," as the tight boot said to
the hard-corn.

TALKING of dogs, tho lato MB.
JOB CAUDLE was wont to remark,
in -his jocular moods, to his chil-
dren, that Ma's tiffs were utterly
destructive of Pa's time.

PHOTOQIUPIir.

THE Celebiatod MB. WATKJHS*

of Parliament .Street, tho Photo-
r haa, we hear, aee-un-

i foatofunitlng

i.f ni'>'i"M wiiljdoitcrity

iu jx i -. When ho

it hunting he muijagod,
I'Mpinga hedge, to Ulte m

gentleman who was tying in tho
nideraeath. The subject

came out strong on tho occasion.

THE WAYS OF LIFE.

Til r UK 'a a right way, and there '

a 1< ft way, ail there is, aloo, a

>urno U

<:il, for

1 xuruo

. e Will,
if > "U . M'I-H, h'>w aro

'ly re-

?. tlrink you."
hero aro, one wuuld infer, moro
men in UiU world than
any others.

PLAIN TRUTHS FOR PLAIN

nopu

. Is nothing unless It Is
played on tho square.

1 talk i.s like small beer
a lit I lu of it guos a very great way.

Pure milk, unlike tho pure
truth, is good for nothing when
drawn from the well.

You may depend upon it, but
no man of the name of SMITH
likes being joked about it.

A CJUE FOR THE BAWLING FISH-SELLERS AT WATERING-PLACES

PUBE ETHICS. Why U a selfish
man a good Christian T Because
ho loves his worst enemy ; that is,

OUR GROWLING BARD.

XI.

LEST we and Gaul should come to fisticuffs,
Upsprang a Household Guard, the Volunteers,
Some, I admit, are milingtary Dears,

As gushing ladies say, and some aro Muffs.

I calculate I like the heroes, some :
But why are they addicted unto swipes,
Why do they all smoke brief plebeian pipes,

And fright cab- horses with the fife and drum f

DOMESTIC ECONOMY. The best thing you can do with
measly pork is to cure it.

THE BUN IN THE SIGNS.

AQUARIUS.

The Waterman brings up the glowing wheels
Of Pcean, whose hot coursers cool their heels ;
Himself imbibes, to damp his inward fire,
BARCLAY and PERKINS'S or REID'S Entire.

PLEASANT PROSPECT.-A DAY WITH THE STAG.

Little T. N. "SHALL YOU TAKE A SINGLE, OR RETURN!"

Friend. " WELI, I SHALL TAKE A UETUUX, BF.CAUSE I KNOW THE HORSE I'M ooixo TO RIDE, BUT YOU'D BETTEE TAKK A SINGLE AND AX INSURANCE TICKET I"

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOK 1864.

ANSWERS TO CONUNDRUMS.

(The Question* will be given in our
next if they are wanted.)

1. BECAUSE it is an act of negro-
mau-see.

2. Because they aro a pair-o'-
Httlc- bipeds (parallelepipeds. )

3. Ho would say simply " Jnk-
you-bua. "

4. Because the one may be
a mealy ono, but the other is
Amelia.

5. When lie went to tell-em-a-
cuss (Telctnackus.)

6. Because the one is u bat and
the other is a bat-too.

7. The difference is merely that
the one is au-ut, while the other
is an-oveL

USEFUL FAMILY RECIPE.

To make Bread and Butter go a
long tray. Take a slice of bread
and butter, place it in au enve-
lope and post it to your cousin
who is living in New Zealand.
If you do this in London and it
reaches him in safety, your bread
and butter clearly will have gone
a long way.

NOTE FOR THE MONTH. Dec. 28.
Innocents. Winter Baby Show at
the Cr3'stal Palace. There aro
present 100 children whose united
ages amount to 100 years.

FROM SMITUFIELD, Atthelast
Cattle Show a stout farmer whose
old-fashioned continuations did
not reach to his ancles, was taken
up for exhibiting his calves in
the street.

UMPH ! Of two hunchbacks of
unequal height, which would you
select as an arbitrator? Tho ono
you'd call the hump-higher.

A WATERING-PLACE PLEASURE.
THIS is THE EIGHTEENTH OLD FISH FAG WHO HAS SCREAMED AND SHRIEKED, EOT BY NO MEANS THE LAST

WHO WILL SHRIEK AND SCREAM, UNDER POOR OLD MR. To.MKINS'S WINDOW.

OUR GROWLING BARD.

xir.

PUNCH cheereth Christmas with

an Almanack,
And he is sweet upon it, not a

few:
'Tis the most cruel thing that

he can do,

So on his head I deal my final
whack.

We read the sparkling pages after

lunch,
And roar at the engravings.

Then how flat,
Stale, and disjointed, sounds

the household chat
At Christmas dinner-parties, after
Punch. !

PHILOSOPHY OF COMMON
LIFE.

THERE is a depth of policy in
the hairdresser's pertinacious
question, Try ] Scar's Grease, Sir?
For it impresses the shrewd
worldly customer, who looks be-
low the surface for motives, with
an idea that the man's anxiety to
Hull his grease arises from an as-
surance of its virtues. Every
thinking mind discerns that a
hairdresser must be interested
in the success as well as the sale
of a preparation for promoting
the growth of the hair. The phi-
losopher, therefore, instead of
being irritated by the importu-
nity which thrusts Bear's Grease
into his ribs, regards it with
complacency as a revelation of
human nature, and replies to it,
smiling, with "No, I thank you,"
instead of furiously shouting " Go
to Jericho ! "

THE SUN IN " THE SIGNS." PISCES.

LASTLY The FisJus, as of course you'd think,
Invite the Driver of the Sun to drink ;
And having circled this terrestrial ball
His Brightness orders Punch to wind up all.

A STANZA FOR WINTER.

Now Christmas comes : of all the year
Tho time, my son, to man most dear ;
For then, 'mid other costly ilia.
He has to pay his Christmas bills.

LEGAL TERMS.

WE often hear the term mudo use of, "a limb of the law."
It strikes us forcibly that it is a mistake. The term
intended is not " limb," but " limbo ; " for that is apparently
the end of all persons who arc foolish enough to go to law

UNDER THE MISTLETOE.-ALL FAIR IN LEAP YEAR.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOB 1865.

g: I S.*r.Chl.

-i ,-

Kiankhn b.

1 H. t. t' li Hm

r. --.

Tu - , i 2m

W Ku-i.,1.1.

K.I i.B

Tli [O.Ch.Dy
K llW'-y
8 1 [PrA.V.b.

38*r.Rp<p.

IMld.LMKi

S 1 s. *((>[..

M N1n't In

j ,

! MI b.1749

Cn S. f..ut

Tu l,.niiu, d

B*il diM.

W Hil. In: 1.

MM.T! k

T'I 8 r. 81i 4m

1'l.lOl.tt d.

1' Cl,, I: T 1.

' S

,s I o.f IJ.T. u

S. 41.41m

l ll*4iS

1 Tu

HiLT.nd*

Tn lioAar OF THE liUAHD or \VoK8. " Our Baxon
fo tfalhera drained the mead, and we will drain the metro-
polis."

NKW PROVERB.
EARLY to bod and early to rise,
Is the way to feel stupid and have red eyes.

WORSHIP OF THE SUN. Wa practised by tho ancient
Britons. Is still kept up by youngr British Mammas with
their first baby-boys.

Firit Punch antl JuJi/ Man (( invoiiil iiio). "HVLLO, BILL, cori.rx'T THINK WHAT 'AD BECOME o' VER. PirrmiD rnou BVSIMNS? WIIEKE - A VER BF.KX! WHY ! TOU DON'T
WELL, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YERt" Invalid 1'unch (n( Judg Man (ill a vltiMing vliiiftr). "Btts- IAID i !, JOE, WKHV QUEER, GOT OVER IT xow, THOU.H "

first Punch and Judy Man. "WHAT, HAVE YOU 'AD A COLD?" Invalid. "Wuss, 'AD A HACCIDENT. SWALLERED TBK CALL! !"

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1865.

HACKNEY CARRIAGE
(OK CAB) FARES AND
REGULATIONS.

THK Driver must drive six
miles iu any direction, no
matter where you want to go.

If a dispute occur after the
closing of the police court, the
hirer will remain in the cub all
night, and the Driver is bound
to call him at a seasonable
hour in the morning.

Ladies will invariably ad-
dress every cabdriver as *' Mr.
Cabman. "

Young men may talk to him
as *' Cabby," but must, of
course, pay something extra
for the privilege.

Property left in a cab shall
be given up to the c-nnmis-
sioner of police, \\Jio is round
to find an owner for it some-
where.

The proprietor of every om-
nibus shall present eacli pas-
senger, on leaving his vehicle,
with H bill of fare.

Any cabman or 'bus con-
ductor misbehaving- l.imself
in any way whatsoever, is
dressed in a long white sheet,
and, with a lighted candle in
his hand, is forced to walk
barefoot to St Paul's, wbere,
after publicly recanting, he
will be Invttea to partake of a
cold collation in the whisper-
ing gallery He will then be
driven three times round the
cathedral, accompanied by
the organist on the large
organ.

No cabman has undergone
this sentence for many years ;
a fact that speaks volumes for
their social improvement.

SONG OF MERCURY.
VERT brief my circuit's term

Mv Homeric name is Hermea,
"Which don't rhyme to Holo-
fernes.

A VALENTINE.

THE turtle doves, they bill and

coo ;

The hen goes cluck cluck-
cluck !
The cock criea " Urcaroora-

roo ; "

The drake quacks to the
duck.

The gander cackles to his

goose ;

Compliance hisseth she :
The lark the lark were Hy-
men's noose,
Old Fright, for you and me.

BANTING BE SLOWED.

Needy Nephew. "I BELIEVE YOU'RE RIGHT THERE, UNCLE, AND THAT IT'S MY DEBTS KEEP MB ao THIN. WHAT no

YOU SAY TO TAKE 'EM OFF MY HANDS, GIVK OVER BANTIXO, AND OO IN FOR THAT OLD PORT AOAItf ! !"

THINGS NOT WORTH
REMEMBERING.

(FOR SERVANTS.)

That master has to be called
at .six o'cluck, in order that he
may go by the thst train on
iiiu.st important business.

That (if culled) he'll want his
breakfiut.

That any bell has been rung
twice already.

That you have been told
over and over again not to
slarn the doors.

Th;it your mistress called
you five minutes ago.

That the area gate must not
be left open.

That the newspaper is not
to remain in the kitchen or
pantry all day.

That you have broken three
of the new wine glasses and a
decanter or two.

That master's boots have to
be cleaned also the silver by
a certain time in the day.

That the cloth should be laid
for the dining-rrx in dinner
twenty minutes bciure it is
required.

That the family requires to
be quite as comfortable as
those in the kitchen.

A SEPULCHRAL BABROW.-
Thu Knacker's cart.

MIGHT BE WORSE.

EarUiy DaitaHtr. " On, PA, WHAT D'VOII THINK? MA'S LOST TEN POUNDS I" Papa " WHAT I THE OLD -

SauylUer. Uuin SH, PA I bitrei SHE'S BANTING I MEAN AVERDUPOISE OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT, YOU KNOW 1 "

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1865.

fl TAVRVS

SONG OF VENUS,

LOVE me, lady !

My hair i gray ;
When round cornel pay-day

I cannot pay.

v corns are awful,

My prospects shady,
I want a comforter :

Love me, lady !

GRPCIANS called m* Aphrodite,
And my litllo lH>y has wlnirs :

From the sea I sprang up, mighty,
So my chariot has C springs.

APRIL xxx Days.

MARCH xxxi Days.

GUIDE FOR MARCH.

This is the time for Hyde r.irk.

On the beautiful river Surpt n
tine iso called from its winding
course from Pimlico to Bays-
water), you can take a row : and
on your way back, if on foot or on
ick, you can take another
row Rotten Row. In winter
1.,, :il in,' is at a discount: this is

),,,, , nnr frol

FANCY HISTOHY "Take away
that Bauble,' as TOM SAVERS
exclaimed, contemptuously, to
MACE, after bis seconds throw up
the sponge.

A LIN TOR T,F.NT. A fast day
s the stomach's holyday

The name of the goi
business, but had no card.
To dust the bookahelvea

THINGS NOT WORTH REMEMBERING.
THINGS, also, most particularly not worth remembering,

Where that cold fowl and jelly went that was left fron
lunch the other day.
To keep, the coalscuttle filled.

PISCICULTURE.

THE NEW PATENT TRACTION CBAS-E. BUFFIKS LANDS A FINE "SiLCRra Ousts," 400 Iba. WEWIIT, AFTER AS Escmiro BPS o> FODB

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1865.

INDUSTRIAL EXHIBITION BY THE ARISTOCRATIC CLASSES.

LACE ORNAMENT FOR FIRESTOVE, MADE AND EXHIBITED BY ADMIRAL SIB
HEUCULES BLUEBI.AST, K.C.B. (Gold Mtdal.)

MAGNIFICENT PATCHWORK COVERLID, BY THE SAME. (Honourable Mention.)

Clatl IV, iMi'i i MFM i oir SELF-DEFENCE. MANUFACTURED BY TUB LADY
FLORA MISTLETOE, EXHIBITED BY THE COUNTESS PARTING-TON, HER MOTHSB
(Gold Medal.)

SONG OF MA US.

I 'M the reddest of tbe stars,

And my Latin name is Mars,
Whoso alias is Ares, if you speak to him in Greek :

So a martialist in red,

May be often seen, it 's said,
Descending of the Areas like a milingtary sneak.

SPOILED STAMPS. Lot Mamma give in to her darling in
nineteen cases; then call in Pap* to say "no" in the
twentieth, and iu all probability you will find no end of
spoiled afamps_pn_ the nursery floor.

ADVICE FOB ALL FOOLS.
HARK how all the donkeys bray !
It is All Fools' festive day.
Now, my boys, contract your debts,
Now then, lay your heavy bets.
Now for friends accept bills, please;
Now become your friends' trustees ;
Now, poor fellow, start your carriage,
Now make promises of marriage,
Or, with barely means of life,
Go at once and take a wife.

THE MARRIED CLEKK-MAKITH.
A WEARY lot is mine, my dear,

Condemned to toil from ten to three,
But two mouths' holidays a-year,

And all to keep a home for thee !
A thousand pounds my salary ! Ah !
Why did you auswer, " Ask Mamma " ?

MEDICAL DISCOVERY. An Irish homoiopatbic physician
recommends Bark in hydrophobia, on the principle that it
is a hair of the dog that bit you.

Mr. VANDYKE BROWN, having left the Dresj on the Lay Figure carefully arranged, goes out for his usual Exercise, and this is how the Bovs took
Advantage of his Absence.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK I 1 0ft 1863,

j^lJ^fi^^

;,ivt;n< (1 Killed) to tbcni, which '
they will thankfully devour. Ify.m
rcuuirc exeid>c, work tho duh.-. in
P..1I Mall an.l St. James's Struct.

CANCER

GEMINI

SONQ 0? JUPITEK.

And my nnrnc it w.is Zeus,
Tin- timi-s tli.it I did
Were without an excuse.

POOH rilCtlAItD IMPROVED.
HE who rotint earn lforc he din*,
Ought to lx> culled at bal'-past

nine ;
He wlio has tick at " Cock " or

' Checso,"
Ncel not get up until be please.

MAY xxxi Days.

GUIDE FOB MAY.

Xui: month for the country.

ci to Bath. If you stop in Town

visit tho Tower. Ask to sec tho

Constable of tho Tower. He will

; wait upon you if on iluty : if nut,

a*k foranvotherOonstal'lo. tlR-y'n'

nil alike." Tbe Beefeaters are foil

:: one o'clock punctually. He in

tiiiln. Von nrc alli.wuil 'to thniw

HI. Ji.l.n S M

:jj*. .IK- ;) r-

r <V.1". 24, W

Mil. Q.I D -JSTh

MAV-I)AV. PICICULTIT*E. Now

st<k your aqiiariuni with ]ikc,
and itt in plenty <>f water -weed,
and tliim Mk jteoplc fcj come and
sue Jack in the (>ruou.

_tK i so ON A .TOKF, A teetotaller, living not far from
CoHstroam, has p'cdjjud himrlf to read no jioet but Snen-
er, Ircoau c he is the only ono in whom ho can find " the
well of En :lih undented."

(Jrr-rALi,KN. A lady who hnd in.-sdo :i furtnn-.; by con-
f*''ti"ncry, ni'jtlied to ihc Herald.s* Colicyo f<>r a coat of
arni*>, and wa-s rather discomfited uu K-in^ told that they
could only give her a lozenge.

HniTiMi Pi AHI.S T \ ITCH sjiys they were common In
liirs time. They ni-iy ,-tili nccasionnlty fx> met with, thoxigh
rare. Tho bent kinds arc, a good wife, a thorough cub, a
| bottle of forty port, and a perfect beef-aleak.

ILi

KEW BATHING COMPANY (LIMITED*.- SPECIMENS OF COSTDME TO BE WORN BY THE SHAREHOLDERS.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1865.

c
I-

uJ
O

t-
<

p
O
O

D
(0

LLl

-I
CO

ffi
o

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1865.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOB 1865.

W'Wl' ^ ^

Tfinv ?,iy I am a bad young man,
I i-iitber think they tell tha

truth,

I get in debt where'er I can,
I 've bet and gambled frum my

youth.
I swear, and drink, and stop out

lute,

And rob my friends of rings and
plus :

me, and save me from the fate
Which else will recompense my
sins !

you put the civil query,
What'* my name in Greek, it 'a

Here.
(That brute, Jove, was often beery. )

TIIE EFFECT OF GETTING
MARRIED.

POOR DICK ! how sadly he Is
altered since his marriage ! " re-
marked one friend to another.
" Why, yea, of course," replied the
other; "directly a man's neck is

in the nuptial nooso, every one
altered

OXB GftKAT LOTTFKY OFFTC1E j
STILL RfcCUCNISKD BY THE L.\W. ;

The Marriage Register.

i must see that he ' a
i person."

THE BAXKP. Employ a waterman from any City cat-
stand to take you from bank to bank. It is a pretty sight
to notice the current coin parsing between the city tanks.

HOW TO UAt.CPLA.TE THE VARIATIONS IN THE B.ARROW-

METKR Measure the bottoms of the c- is tcr monger's pints
in dispensing Barcelona*) from his burrow.

A JAUNT IN JUM: MRS. WASHINGTUB, while staying ft
Brentford, visits Kew Gardens, and then writes home woid
that she " has been to Kew and sin the Kewrositie?."

THE

WONDERS OF THE DEEP--OLD LADY'S FIRST VIEW OF THE SEA.

" WKLT,, I'M SURE, WHAT A MOST EXTRAORDINARY CRINOI.INI; THAT CREATURE HAS ON!"

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1865.

HORTICULTURAL CURIOSITIES.

Critter. " STRORBEHHY, KOINH SrROKBKRRv,
PENNY A SLICE; BLACK CURRANTS, Two FOB

THKLE 'ALFPENCE."

THK PRIZE WATER MELON.

Coimoiueur (tailing). "HM! I THINK ANOTHER FORTKIOHT WILL DO
IT, BROWN."

THK 1 RIZK OoosEBEimY nrACiin TUB CUL-
MINATING I'uisT UF MATURITY us THE THIRD

DAY OF THK EXHIBITION.

HACKNEY CARRIAGE (OR CAB) FARES ANL
REGULATIONS.

You can hire a cab by the mile or the hour: it is
generally done, however, by holding up the hand, the
utick, the umbrella, and by shouting <-'ut " Hi !" If hired
by the stick, it is tid. a mile ; and if by the expression of
your " Hi," the faro is equally low.

If you arc unablo to defray the expense cf your drive, tell
the Driver to take you up to thu Piccadilly cud of the Ilur-
lington Arcade. Then, get out, tell him to wait, enter the
Arcade, and having walked quickly through, exit at the
other end. He can t be in two places at once, and thua all
unpleasantness and disputation as to the amount may be
avoided.

Babies and children under five, are charged by weight : j
and when the wait is over a quarter of an hour, it is more
than sixpence. The precise value of three children is
therefore easily calculated.

Two children under ten are equal to an adult person.
Parents travelling in cabs are required by law to carry with
them the baptismal certificates of their children, which
they are bound to produce every five miuutes, if requested
so to do by the Cabman.

The Cabman has no right to turn rund on bis seat and
make faces at his fare through the window. This is spe-
cially provided against, by a bye-law.

Every Driver is bound to give the hirer a ticket of some
sort or another. Ask for one for the Opera, if in the Season,
or for a stall at any one of the theatre .

OK ULORU1UM
THIS name a p.-irty noways soft
IV-toweil with courtly views commercial :

At)d wbuU old (itnlUiKV CAIUU aloft,

Ol course you changed the name to HERSCUCL.

NEWS FROM THE VEGETABLE KINGDOM.
Or tidings there is dearth.
Yet still doth Mother Earth
Teem with great facts, potato, pumpkin, pea,
And regularly thou
Ever appearest now.
Old friend at ueed, Enormous Gooseberry.

NOTING FITZ GHIBELLINE (OF THE BLUES) GOES A-VISITING IN HIS LOVELY NEW BROUGHAM, WHEN-

Street Boy. "\ BAY, BILL, 'ERE'S A SWELL or A DOCTOH. S'POSE WE CKY, 'JOLLOP!'"

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1865.

SONG OF NEPTUNE.

SCORPIO

WE met amid the glittenng crowd,
We danced, I tore thine ample

skirt,
And tbou, not shy and noways

proud.

Demandudst why I would not flirt:
Thy frankness will not let me

shrink

From this avowal fair and true.
Because I have a wife, and think
She 'a a much nicer girl than you.

'M the only star that kept tune
When the spheres their music

tried on.

Latin lubbers call me Neptune,
My dear eyes, my name 'a POB-
eidon.

SEPTEMBER xxx Days

OCTOBER xxxi Days.

FOR A CHILD.
SPEAK when not spoken to.

Sulk when you re cbid,
Bang the door after you,
Good little kid.

FLEET MARRIAOKS are not yet
done away with at least a great
number of people who get mar-
ried, regret they were not slower
about it.

THE ONLY ASSURANCE DUTY
WHICH ME. PUNCH WILL HEAR OF.
The Duty of Assurance.

SPORT IN THE SUBURBS, Exhausted brickfield taken on
lease by speculative builder. Rubbish shooting commences.

QUOTATION WANTED. "That Strain again?" [Try BUR-
TON'S Anatomy.'}

THE MOST POTENT LCCO-MOTIVE ENGINE. - An M. P. in the
eyes of his Constituents who want places.

NOVEL ADVERTISING.

OUR FRIEND WITH THE FINE FIOURE HAS ACCEPTED A Son OF CLOTHES FBOM AN ACCOMMODATING TAILOR. No MENTION HAS BEEN MADE OF PAYMENT. Tin STARS IT o THI
PARADE, AND ESJOTS THE SENSATION HE CREATES, UTTLB KHOWIHO WHAT uE THE TAILOR'S TOUT is MAKING or HIS FASHIONABLE APPEARANCE BEHIND HIS BACK.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOB 1865.

REMARKABLE EVENTS,
INVENTIONS, &c.

(B.C. 52.) Alexandrian Library
inrnt, giving occasion tu OMAR'S
[ctcstable pun, " What bc(;an
vitH AlejaiKltr, should en<l with
he grate." The Panim of the
icriod flings himself into the
jlazing ruins of the reading-

(A D. 2V4.) Silk first brought
from India. It was unbleached,
and the colour gave rise to the
word "D'lngy."

(A.D. 1093.) Wine first sold by
.othocarics as a "cordial," and
since by wine merchants a, "a
compound." Hence, tho "rich
cordials and compound*" still tu
bo read of on tap-room placards.

(A.D. 1100.) Glass Invented in
Kirdand by UKNKDICT a monk,
and like other monkish inven-
tions in England, seen through
from the first.

(A.D. 15*0.) Gunpowder in-
vented by the monk HCIIWABTZ
(Antjlict, Black). Ureat triumph
of tiie black art.

A RHYME AND A KIDDLE.

Tun reason's plum ;is nny poker,
A costennonger's like a smoker :
D'ye see (here in the ribs a poke)
lie can't get on without his
(s) moke.

A VOLUNTEER says that he has
read with impatience the foolish
speculations about the boles in
tue tunar Orb. He has IK
doubt that they were made by
parties who have shot the Moon
He adds, that his landlord agrt.es
with him.

HOMOEOPATHIC DIET. In a case
of sluggish digestion, try snail
broth.

NOTES AND QUERIES.

Able. A Man In a false posi-
tion frequently consults his So-
licitor. A Woman in similar
circumstances is prompted to
put Lersclf into communication
with her Mirror.

Vu*ry Doo it follow thai
Woman is superior to Man. con-
m.lL-re.l la a punly reductive
being?

N:,tt In the race of liw, a
pallant BportMiian has ohwerved,
Woman the favourite carriM off
all the cups and pUlcft.

Query. Is there auythinif re-
markable in this fact, limiting at
the subject from ail j-iinU of
view, and taUii'K into n.nsidi-ra-
tion her naturally winning way?

Holt Philosophers, )>crplexeil
to give a satisfactory tle!.niti"U
of Woman, have |'tulanUy pro-
nounced her a puz/.le.

Q,,cry. Will this lofWlOal

suggestion account for her feel-
ing so much pleasure in taking a
rival to pieces*

A CHRISTMAS SERMON.
(Dedicated to PUSEV, DEXISON & Ce.)

" OH AMY, WHERE is THE MISTLETOE? "
11 THEY NEVEK HAVE IT IN CHURCH, DEAR.

"OH. THEN WE MUT HOT LOVE EACH OTHER WHEN WE ARK IX CHURCH.

PRETTY INXOCEN'CE.
"MA, de .1- ha* P.ipaany bachelor

uncles? "
"No, my love." "Then Mamma,

dear, pray \vhat mean your

taunts ''.
For you said just before his but

gift, those carbuncles,
He was too fond of seeing hi>

bachelor haunts 1 "

CRARiKO-CRnaa. Tuere have
been various etymologies for tlie
word. It is evidently from the
effect of the occupation. Wheu
was any woman obliged to go
out Charing other than Crou t

THK BEST ACT OF PARLIAMENT
FOR 186i. Its own Dissolution.

MIDDLE CLASS EXAMINATIONS. A schoolboy, who re-
garded his studies with an" objectionable levity, was
iskcd how many Argonauts there were? He replied, that
their number could not be reckoned, because noughts
were ciphers.

PHILANTHROPIC SENTIMENT.
" THE trampled worm will turn," say men of learning.
Trample again, until he's tired of turning.

How TO KEEP A BIRTHDAY. Keep it to yourself.

WHEN lands and money all are spent,
Take a largo house, and don't pay rent.

THE PATRON SAINT OF AUCTIONEERS. ST. FRANCIS DE SALES.

THE DANGER OF HAVING FIRE-ARMS IN YOUR BED-ROOM.

Alarmed n'i/e. "On, OEOROE 1 WHAT is THE MATTER?" Qiorge. "Huso I IT'S THE WAITS."

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1865.

POEM (<1 la POPE) ON
VERY FAT PARTY.

DAN CUPID hath no arrow that
Could reach thy heart through all

thy fat :
But should one ever pierce, and

raise
A flame, thou'dst perish in the

blaze !

LOVE SONG.

I LOVE thee more and love thee less

E;ich day I come and woo,
And if this riddle thou canst guess,

'Tis more than I can do.
But this I know, and this I vow,

Behind is not before,
And if I love thee less than now,

I 'U never love thee more.

NOVEMBER xxx Days

DECEMBER xxxi Days.

S. r 7MGm. 17 S ?-S inA.

S . ;di. Vim 1!) M Oif.M.T.

A.lv. Si.n.1, ]y T>. S r. Rli 5

Richelieu d 20 W

M,,,,, i d. 21 T)

St Nitlinlii 22 K ; W'in.iJ. M

.iniHud. S3 S Jam [I -Ui"

Ink*,

21 S-nf.Tr.
Gun. Plot]
S.>.4l.2lm

CHRISTMAS CBAOKER.- Does it
soothe the feelings of a photo-
grapher, when he receives a posi-
tive refusal from a lady, that she
gives him a negative ?

SEASONABLE. Poulterers like
Christmas, because theu they
feather their nests.

CHRISTMAS CRACKER. What sort
of a marriage should you say that
is which a man makes whose name
is Morgan, and who lives in a
garret? A Morganatic marriage.

CHKAP RECEIPT FOR MAKING A
RAISED PIE. Sell a penny tart for
twopence.

Clirirt.

2S. niA.!, 267
Jno. (Jay d. 27 W, St. Jol
S. t 3!i49ni 28 Th Innocent

_ _. BIJ a

Pr. Con*, d, 30 S
1 Wl ond, 31

A DELICATE HINT. However much we may dislike to be
perplexed or inconvenienced during the rest of the year, at
Christmas we all wish to be hampered.

A THING NOT WORTH REMEMBERING. That the fires in
" master's study" and the dining-room have to be kept in
during the day.

A THOUGHT FOB THE TIME. The best house to spend the
31st of December in is a schoolmaster's, because there you
are sure of having the new year properly ushered in.

THE GENTLEMAN REPRESENTED ABOVE 13 AT FAULT (FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE). HE HAS BEEN INDUCED TO TRY THE DAVENPORT THICK BUT AFTER
UND, HE FINDS HE "CANNOT DISENTANGLE." (N.. You perceive the miitletoe bough hanging over Mr. Punch's head.)

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1866.

U Japan*** Clnilr iotlMd, thoM who lit- to ran round if m.jr r J
lln* U borrowed fMtltvr. llmnptoa Wolf tod IU<1 Ridiag Iwod I0ftl>r.

AQUARIUS tainin* r.t mu
Helping Jntlici evplurt burglu

F'lKrr Th>m I wrln>m<D^ PISCES.

AR1K3 kicking John wb* t .W.mj lii*

Lmiii Ih RiMn*n. rjd Drbj III* Qr**k, riding off CM Lh RAM, IM buy U l|ill
Monk*)* titling OD tU trtl.M'i UiU, md !M UMjUg UM PliaM**. Wate.

JANUARY 31 Days

FEBRUARY 28 Days,

MARCH 31 Days.

APRIL 30 Days.

[>.E T. h. 19,Tli Byron d.
N.p. .hd. .30,f Rp.. Kl.dr*.
r. K. T. b. 31 S Up HfS*r b.
h 32 S 3 ^

Ooi* Hip'l

M.iiiit S. 3!S W M>rk. P

KitjS _.

ShrnnTu. 27 T-. Tr'f.ty""
Atti Wl.

AUGUST 31 Days.

OE. B. T. *.
O. T. T. b.

U'l.it St.n
Whit Mnn.
T'inTm b,
K ,(,., Wk,
IJ. Virt- I..
1'r. 11(1. b.
1 1. Tin d.

rh>th.m if.
A1U M.r.
*'< -'- A.
C.B.T.di T .

B V.rnmi
21! T- 11 l.*ipie
UrovMt-b. 29 W [.lohnfUpb
I'n.Ksn^in. 3<> Tl. S r. 5'ilD.n
A.,,,.npto 31 K ItLiOMSM
li-of

DECEMBER31Days.

SEPTEMBER 30 Days.

OCTOBER 31 Days.

NOVEMBER 30 Days.

H U|t l..H r I.
25 8. f. Tr.

C. M-T.h. IIT1W Kllililr*-[i
S .. 61,35m 18 Tli Si l,..k.
Alfltri d. 19 f KnrtUr d.

WU h. 17>M , Oif.M.T.*.
.Mund. 18 To! Orimldib.

21 S. .f.Tr.

K*ilh |22 M II.K i*H.:i

19S. .f.Tr. 83 Tn IfUI. Kt.

8. r. h!4m 24 IV Wr'..i-r ,1

StDtnn 25 T!i fl Crup.n

0f M.T.h. 26 K Dni.h.

OtdMic. D f 7 S CptCnnhh.

Amiti d. 2rt S 2- ^-- f Tr.

Edw. Cnf. 29iM S. r Kh5"m
JOS

H HouUtun " '

1'.' Wl^', it s
M [,lh*rb 25

2 S. in Ail*. 14 T .

S 3h49m 29 W Si Supl

Jan. O*r d. 27 Th St. JhB

C, Cibhtr d. 88

BL I.IK-JT 24 9 I Suffard

I'. Alhrid. 30 S I S..f. Chr.
3t>58ai

26 S. mt. Tr.

Mich. T.
Pr*.M.A.bL

Hunwn J.

3 3

FID

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOft 1866.

THE ELECTIONS.-BRIBERY

Lada CnnwuKr (Tellaw!)-

AND CORRUPTION.

WHAT, NOT IF I GIVE YOU A Kiss, MR. BULLFINCH?"

[Obdurate Voter (Blue ! ) doet not seem to tee it, and is lost to lite Liberal parly.

AMENDED QUOTATIONS.
Hy a Baker. Familiar in their mouths as house-
hold bread.

By a Perruquier. Sweet auburu ! loveliest
tresses of the plain.

By a Married Man whose better-half is a long lime
putting her things on :

Hope springs eternal in the husband's breast,
Wives never are, but always to be dress'd.
By a Champion of Woman's Sights. The wish
waa mother to the thon^i.t.

DUTIES ON LEGACIES AND SUCCESSION TO
PROPERTY.

To cut all your poor relations.

If your legacy is 1,000, to Rive all counte-
nance to tho notion that it is 10,000.

Take care as you rise in the wurld, that all tho
ladders are kicked down behind you.

THE TABLE-MOVINO MEDIBMS' DIFFICULTY. A
Tide-Table.

CANDLEMAS DAY, FED. 2.
THINK of the Save-all. A dog lying on the
hearth-rug with his nose to bis tail is the em-
blem of Economy. He makes, both ends meet.

A DOCTOR, who stammers, says that to cheer
a patient you should try a hip-hip bath.

"TENANTS OF THE DEEP." People who havo
a wary landlord.
THE Real BUTCHER'S BLOCK. The British public.

ROUGE-ET-NOIR.
Dart-haired Maiden. "On! MR. IRONS, CAN NOTHING BE DONE FOR MY UNFORTUNATE BLACK HAIR!"

Mr Irons. "WELL, WE MIOHT WASH IT RED, MlSS 1 BUT WHAT'S THE GOOD OF 'AVINO THE K'RECT COLOURED 'AlR, IF YOU A YEN T GOT THE

K'RECT HORDER OF FEATURE?"

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1866.

THE DIVER IN SEARCH OF THE ATLANTIC CABLE GETS INTO HOT WATER.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1866.

PHILANTHROPY GONE TO THE DOGS.

Dr. Bowwow. "WHINES A GOOD DEAL YOU SAY, NURSE! HUM! WE'LL GIVE HIM A DOSE OP BARK."

PUNCH PRIZE RIDDLE. Why ia tho Hippopotamus, at six
o'clock In the evening on a fine day ia July, like the left-
hand corner of the Monument ?

THE HEAD CENTRE. ROWLANDS' Macassar.
THE PUGILIST'S PARADISE, Tho Great Belt.
WHO is a bigger man than ANAK 1A-knack-er t to be sure.

No RULE WITHOUT AN EXCEPTION. "The woman who
hesitates is lost." But surely not the woman who has only
a slight impediment 1

GARDEN THOUGHTS.

How charminq; ! I hear the tinkling
of the scythe, I open the window, and
look out. What do I see? A Bishop
shaving his own grass. Can there be a
better "lawn-mower?"

Pleasant it is to see the children
tumbling about on tho grass. Happy
little garden-rollers.

Jos E.4 was in captivity to a musical
widow, fat, fair, and (piano) forty. One
evening (she had just been playing the
Juliet Valse to perfection), he took her
to see bis bachelor's buttons in the old-
fashioned garden. She thought no
more of her widow's weeds.

You may wear anything you like in
your garden, but a pea-jacket is not out
of place there.

A Curate friend, and enthusiastic
collector, thinks it must be the height
of bliss to be Dean of Ferns 1

Miserable bachelors I How you envy
Paterfamilias ^ith all the little creepers
twining about his kaees !

Convolvuluses close i.\ evening comes
on. So clever men Aut up when
strangers come in.

Tuure is one annual we are never tired
of seeing. Almanackia, Punchiensis.

OBJECTION TO HIPPOPHAOY. It is
horse and carte in abnormal connection.
The carte is not put befor* the horse
exactly, but before the donkey. Horse
in carte should go to kennel.

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS. Now idle
boys stick playbills in the windows of
serious tradesmen.

WEATHER PKEDICTION FOR MARCH.
Festive weather. Expect a gale a
day.

METROPOLITAN AMUSEMENTS.
(From our Colwdl Hatchney Almanack.)

Fine Arts in the New Road. Statuary.
Open night and day.

On all Wednud&ys. Great excitement
visible in the City. Bells ringing in the
New Number of Punch.

For Thursdays (iceather permitting.)
Hunting Anchovies in the Green P.irk.

The Statues of London are fed every
day at one o'clock precisely.

During the summer the Commission-
aires' Band plays in St. James's Park,
while a ballet of Policemen delights the
crowd.

In the winter the animals of the
Zoological Gardens are allowed a few
weeks' holiday.

MODERN COURTSHIP.
YOUNG ARTHUR, when his MAUD ho left,
A ringlet from her chignon cleft ;
" Dear curl I " cried he, " Dear ! Yes,

you ninny,
My cAtynon, stupid, cost a guinea ! '

ECONOMY WITH ELEGANCE. Cobbling
white satin shoes.

DEFINITION OF FOOT NOTES. Dance
tunes.

THE BEST PLACE FOR PRESERVES.
Jam-aica (Jam- acre).

MEMORANDUM Petroline has been
annexe 1 to the British ilee*.

MEDICAL. How to get
Practice. Set up a retail apo-
thecary's pkup, and stand all
day iu the doorway smok-
ing a pipe.

MEMS BY AN OPIUM-EATER.

THE Emperor of the Moon will dine
with me on Moonday. Mem. He told
me that for breakfast be was fond of
pickled bootjacks.

Mem, On Tuesday I have Tiffin with
the Typhoon of Japan.

Mem, The next day, which is either
Thursday week or Saturday, I am en-
gaged to shoot with the Great Giraffe
of Greece.

Mem. The Moon was full in the mid-
dle of next week. It will be empty,
therefore, yesterday. So I 'm the Gipsy
King, ha ! ha ! and am to be Quceu of
the May, Mamma !

Mem. On Christmas Monday Cab-
hunting begins. Mind I catch that turn-
pike I went fishing for last spring.

Mem. When the new railway is
opened down the chimney, mind I put
an extra polish on my pickled walnuts.

Who is going to publish my liio-
praphy of a Beetle ? Mem. To catch a
fuw and ask.

Mem. To have my voice blacked
when I next sincr In public. 1 shall
better then be able to warble tootto

I dreamed last night I was a skeleton
umbrella. Mem. Not to let my doctor
'^Z- shut me up, if I am.

GOVERNMENT ASSURANCE. For infor-
mation as to the system of Govern-
ment Assurance, apply to tho Clerks at
any of the Government offices. You will
receive, in return, the fullest and
readiest illustration of Govern-
ment assurance.

THE TEETOTALLER'S BARD.
TAYLOU, the Water Peet.

SIGNS OF THE WEATHER
(DOMESTIC).

To foretell the state of the weather,
there is no barometer like your wife's
face. It should be regularly consulted
the first thing in the morning. If you
are lucky enough to have your mother-
in-law living in the house, your wife's
face may be corrected by hers, but the
indications of the two will generally be
found to correspond

A loug and dark face presages
squalls ; a clear and bright one, settled
fair weather. One occasionally cloudy,
with lucid interval*, indicates change,
with rain, perhaps, in the shape of a
good cry on any contradiction towards
evening.

A rapid rise, or approach to a bounce
out of her chair, indicates storm : a
slow movement, the contrary: alter-
nate rising and subsiding, unsettled
weather.

PRIZE CHARADE.
My first is my second's half;
My second is part of a chimney-pot ;
And my whole is the name of a bird.

Answer next year. In the mtntnime,
happy to receive tolutions from talented
Correspondents,

MYTHOLOGY FOR THE MILLION. Tho
festival of the Lupercalia is in honour
of Pan. Ho is made chiefly of earthen-
waro, and may be culled the god of
cakes.

THE GREAT DUBLIN EXHIBITION OF
1865. The Fenian Show-up of them-
selves.

SENSATION SCIENCE.-

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1866.

A HARD DAY'S WORK FOR H. R. H. THE P E OF W S.

" Tray, Blanche. and Swect-

" u;i(; thuir taiU,
All sitting in a row.

Il.R.n.
(The second-bom of nine)

up upon nu euyino
swift
Of some new railway line.

Slap-bang, the Prince Is here

tfg

Mij

9-3o

How would our young and

gracious I'rinco
Improve i-iicli shining hour,
By doing what these I'H

bow
With such artUtic power.

A j?as explosion gently wale e*

Our U.K. II. at IV.

One such wo Lad the other

night.

And shall h:wi many more.
Then utT he goes to see and

try
Apiaogfe that's worked Ly

team,
Then does, a little spell of

work
Where THWAITES embanks

the stream.

Then doffa his coat and takes

a pick,

And turns n railway sod ;
A market next inaugural L-S
For caTnts, crabs, and cod.
Like Brahma then, with sc-

vtral hands,

Several first stoneshe lay ;
Then up the Monument he

poes,
And London's pride surveys.

His Highness next In gleo

descends
The lowness of a mine ;
Comes up and opes a

People's Park,
T/xid out so gay and fine. '
Where fyilruon are brought

up by hand,

1 1'- in xt appears so free,
Then visits various picturo-

show#,
And the Academy.

A ship he then, 'attends to

launch,

And does the same in style,
A workman's exhibition

He honours with his smile :
And like a good and kiud

papa,

As ever you shall see,
Buys a perambulator there
For little Victor, P.

Two morning concerts he

attends,

Hears many a pleasing strain,
" Like a bribe-buck/' as

FALSTAFF pays,
Divided twixt the twain.
Aud then a jolly Sailor's

Home

He calls to patronise,
His gracious ways set all tho

tars
A swabbing of their eyes.

The cry of dogs Is nextly

hoard,
The Prince beholds a show,

Ills HI-CM

mark,
And with a Colonel's prldo

reviews

1 liers in the Purlc.
,ed School be then

inspects,

And hears the urchins sing,
And in not this hard work to

set
litfure a future king?

But, bless you, it 's not nearly

done,

He's off unto the Strand,
Where FECHTER and PAUL

BEDFORD strive,
Which shall secure his hand,
Aud drag him off to see tho

play,

Snug in his private box ;
Till time to hear SIR RODE-

RICK DHC, '
Geologising rocks.

dreams his

makes reply,
Bless you, my Punch," says

he ;
You always were the true

IIU Royal Highness next

beholds

The Volunteers at drill ;
Then through the Drainage

he proceeds,
Nor fears tho being ill.
Some trine else, ere going

home,

Our 1I.B.H. performs ;
A lighthouse, perhaps, ho

sees lit up,
And reads "Report on

Storms."

And as S. James's soundeth

One,
lie reaches Marlborough

liouse,
IIa one cigar, and goes to

bed.

As quiet as a mouse.
But to him Punch appears in

dreams,

And this is what he saith,
' ' My Itoyal Sir, snobs like to

work
A willing horse to death.

"Old KNOLLTS should bid
such plagues begone,

Or else I 'd make him walk ;

What time have you to nurse
your son.

Or with your bride to talk ? "

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1866.

LADIES' MORNING COSTUME FOR EIGHTEEN HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SIX.

LADIES' EVENING COSTUME FOR EIGHTEEN HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SIX.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1866.

THE UNDERGROUND RAILWAYS.
Slvktr. " WEHY SORE? TO DISTURB VER AT SUPPKS, LADIES, BUT COULD YER OBLIGE ME WITH A BCUTTLK o' COALS FOR OUB EXOISI, AS W* 'VE RPN SHORT or '

THIS JOURNEV!"

OUR ARTIST HAVING BEEN DISAPPOINTED OF HIS HUNTING THIS YEAR. HAS "A DRAW" IN HIS OWN STUDY.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1866.

AUNT SALLY AT MR. PUNCH'S PICNIC.

WHAT WE HOPE TO SEE

PKUDE3 FOR FROCTOR3, DOWAGERS FOR DON3, AND SWEET GlRL GRADUATES." Tmnytan.

PUNCH FOB ALL ENGLAND,

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1866.

THE OYSTER SEASON COMMENCES.
No NATIVE) TO BE UAD. SWELLS REDUCED TO THE STREETS !

NOTE BY A NON-NATURALIST ox GAME. Fine feathers
do not make fine birds. The plumage of the partridge Is
particularly plain; and give me the bird without the
leathers !

ONLY So-So. Is It not singular that the eye of the
needle grows smaller as she that threads it grows older ?

A SENTIMENT FOB SUMMER.

No, there 's nothing half so sweet In life
As strawberries and cream

LORD DERBY TO NOTE. What a confusion of ideas there
was In the mind of the Cockney who thought the old Greek
poet hod been canonised, and so became St. Omer.

ALL authors should be gardeners. They would then know
how to use the priming-knife.

FROM "MEN OF THE TIME." The Astronomer-Royal
always entertains his friends at telescope dlning-tables.

WHAT sort of day would be a good one for " Running for
a Cup ? " A muggy day.

Jfamma. " Now DO, OEOROI, COVE OPT | '

THE STRIKE.

Ocorg. " I SHAN'T, IF voc DOH'T oivi tr BOOT ASD MILK.'

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1866.

UNCLE FUSBY UNDERTAKES TO DELIGHT AND INSTRUCT THE YOUNG FOLK AT CHRISTMAS-TIME

BY A LECTURE ON ASTRONOMY AND THE MOVEMENTS OF THE CELESTIAL BODIES, ILLUSTRATED BY DIGRAMS, WHICH WERE FINALLY TOUCHED rr (JUST BEFORE THE GAS

WAS TURNED ON) BY HIS MISCHIEVOUS NKPIIKWS.

LONDON SOCIAL GARDENING.

All through the year, let Cabmen cultivate civility ; its
fruits are most gratifying.

Jn cultivating an acquaintance, be careful not to cut
him by accident.

Train a young child over a coloured alphabet ; creepers
are too young for this.

AN OLD WRETCH. MR. SOWERBY is prevailed upon to
stand godfather to a male infant. Names him GABRIEL.
After the christening, says what futi it will be for his
godson to be called GABY !

AN INFALLIBLE CURE Our old friend HORACE speaks
of ex polling Nature with a fork Did you ever try to
expel ill-n:tture with a knife and fork ?

ADVICE TO HOLIDAY-MAKKUS. Now visit watering
places. At Hyde a wri'trh hud the capability of saying
that, being iu the Isle of Wight, he should a r lopt the
'island costume I

THE BEST CUT WHEN RUMP STEAK is AT Hd. A POUND.
The cut direct, to the Butcher.

A DISH FOR A PRIMA DONNA. Jugged Nightingales.

UNCLE FUSBY GIVES ANOTHER DELIGHTFUL LECTURE,

WITH A FEW SIMPLE CHEMICAL EXPERIMENTS, srcit AS PHARAOH'S SERPENTS, IRE MAGNESIUM WIRE. tc. ALSO TO SHOW now
GUNPOWDER CAN BE CONTAINED IN TWO INCOMBUSTIBLE POWDERS. STARTLING DfiNOflMENT AND CHORDS OF DELIGHTED

YOUNGSTERS, "OORAY!"

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1866.

TOILET GARDENING-OPERA-
TIONS FOR THE LADIES.

BY A FASHIONABLE MAMMA.

Now take your hair up by tho
roots, and train it back with cork-
ing-pins.

Take your pomatums from
their pots, and spread thimi
thick over the surface.

I( jou would cultivate car-
rots, at present the fashionable
growth, uae a strong solution of
pottsh, which will ensure a crop
of tho fine goldon hue now so
much admired. You must bo
prepared, however, for this crop
falling oft with the other yellow
fuliage of the autumn.

If you would keep up the
freshness of your roses, avoid
bot rooms and late hours, and
don't expose your two-lips too
freely, except to tho son and
heir ; the son and heir ought
always to be courted.

DUTIES ON RIDING-HORSES.

THE first duty when you arn
on a riding horse is to look as if
you liked it.

The second is to sit with your
kni'os in and heels well down,
and to hold on tight by anything
that presents itself.

REVERSE THE ENGINE. Now
that engineers tunnel the Alps,
we must no more talk of making
mountains of mole-hills, but
molehills of mountains.

INFORMATION WANTED. In
America they talk a great deal
of fustian. Has this anything to
do with their corduroy roads ?

REIOKINQ SOVF.KEIONS. (A
RrJkction)Ah I if it were, who
would hoist an umbrella [

POCKET SHAKSPKARE,

DRAWIMO-ROOJI EDITION.

IDT PLAT. Hamlet (contented).

Seme fint and La*.
Enter HAMLET, wounded.
Hamlet. My father's ghost I >e

seen : 1 'vo killed Laertes,
Also the King : n>,y mother '

poisoned : iin<l

Ophelia's drowned. Horatio I
Oh ! I die I

]HORATIO doetn't cume, and
HAMLET tlin.

TO A CHANGED ONE.
DECEMBER'S dark, and so wast

thou,
Ah 1 how hast thou become so

fair?
Circassian stucco blanched thy

brow ;
And Aqua Mint gilt thy hair.

A PUZZLE.

IF two yards of sealing-wax
cost fourpence, what will be the
definite quantity o( an arith-
intticiil scries of the same?
C',:ntrAutid by Hit. BABBACE.
[Annetr neit year. In tltt mean-
time, hfifipy tn rtcrive talutiont
fiom talented Corrapondtntl.

OUR ARTIST, TOM TIT, HAS INVITED CHANG AND ANAK TO DINNER, UNKNOWN TO

HIS FAMILY.
Buttons. " MR. CHANG ! MR. HAYNACK ! !

[Dismay of Mother I Delight o/ Suter ! ! Heckstacy o/ Button, ! > !

THE BOY'S OWN SALAD Now
sow mustard and cress iu the
form of letters, whkh, when they
come up, will f. rm the name of
" Old lirown." Take care not
to grow yonr salad in this shape
where MB, BROWS will probably
6 ce it.

BT A THEATRICAL SPORTSMAK.
(To Ike Profeuion.) Shooting a
pheasant well, is my notion of
winging it.

THE CHARGE ox UXIONS REALLY
Rin or. Mothers-in'Law.

THE TRANSFORMATION SCENE AT
Supper !

REQUIRING TO BE GOT
AN EVENING PARTY.

ARK YOU FOND OF JEWELLERY ! Girls, marry men who
are teetotallers. Thy will allow you to wear nothing but
diamonds of the first water.

A MAIDKN SPEECH. A-k Papa.

FitoM " MSN or THE TIME." The CHANCELLOR or THE
EXCHEQUER'S favourite pursuit is taxidermy.

ASK AT THE BAR. How many notes are there In an
Octave of Sherry?

D M

COUNT DE ST. AMARANTHE ASTONISHES AN ENGLISH HUNTING-FIELD BY HI3 RIDING ACROS3 COUNTRY.

[Count A. is no more a Count than ym or me or Mr. Punch, and ha, learnt horseman/up at Franconi', Circus, Pant, lut you need not mention it to hit EngliAfrie.idt.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1866.

Thfo !i tiw wild fx>ia ieur:on, 0*canu> Rutr ri p*'. IUV*r hU on Whlnd, 81. Pl' to tne Pjrr.raidt !.y firit tn!* Don't c.re for Dewrt, ea't itind we4(htr. Off to tilt Alpt, M tun

All lOund 111* world for n.ummer'dirion. O1J I.,iy, Clrtfc, T-ilnr, IJrUr, Milliner, nil ivf one mind. Pee Atubf, by Fet, rid* donkryi t nek ngiiTn 1 CI.KRK nd Mlt.MNER Terj loinj{ loathe* H*r Merry Swii* Boy

it mom,

meet}' Swiii bora.

PRIVATE THEATRICALS. JONES'S DRESSING-ROOM.

(The Costumier has forgotten to se*d Jew* Jack Boots}, Jones. "CALLED AM I ? I CAN'T PLAT Charles XII. IN
PATENT LEATHER BOOTS WITH GREF.N Toi's! I MTST HAVE YOUI-B !" [/Jrown, who p' ays 2nd Officer, don't ste it.

'P*KM!1 "'t |T l V[Sno.-(pr 'rani ii|fna HOTIV.L '*" ptiim )iTtn mo.i IOJ

AiMtit pica ipiu mq i*ioJ ponoi

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOB 1867.

JANUARY 31 Days.

MARCH 31 Days.

APRIL 30 Days,

d.lHOfi

K.. b.1749

llurn. b,

Hr .,![ .II.F

;t--l

B 7><2.'>m !<)

hf!

Jiihn KT*I.. ^'J

,NMV 1 C.I. ! 83

(In Li,- in <

:: - .r K

K. 1. I
0. My D

i' ,vi,. did

11. A, -....

AUGUST 31 Days.

7 Trl. T.

' I! \V.-.ftl>

<| W II. U'nim

i-.o wit. i-

S, . HI. 801

C.lp- tkn.
0. B. T. ..
O. T. T. b.

\Vl.n Sun

Drvrf*n b.
>C K*** b,
* "f- Tt.

firnuH h.

H I,' (! r
J.,h.H. r b

8. r. 51.) On
H. . 61.4B*

DECEMBER 31 Days,

NOVEMBER 30 Days.

OCTOBER 31 Days.

SEPTEMBER 30 Days.

1T C.M.T.K
g \V Ar. R ,.d.

3 I'll Alfii .1.

4 V

ftS IPUcid..

Ad*. Sufld. 17 To Oif.M.T.*.

9.r.;i.47in IB W Onm.ld, b.

I 7 TII Lmbtt

W <;*...!. l.nd.
I'll B. PollUr*.
It. of Aim.

-
7,M 8. r. GhlJtm

H T.. S .. S1.22,,,

|W Si. D.n,.

OTh Ox.'M.Th.
I K c .1 M:, D.

S Amrrie* d.
17 S. .(.Tt.

0. P. Riot.

C. J.l-o
H.>lyCr*M

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1867.

y. (*

CALLISTHENIC COLLEGE FOX LADY MUSCULAR CHRISTIANS.

SOMEBODY'S SAYINGS Clubs are the weapons of the uncivilisc-1.
A husbmd is ;i savage who. if bis wif,-. threaten him with dining
off cold mutton, in brute enough to fly for protection to his club.

A MATTF.R OF TASTE. An ardent Entomologist lately fell in
love with a lady solely because of her beetle brows.

SENTIMENT. May we always be more ready to publish the faults
of uthers than to correct our own.

IN- THE DIVORCE COURT. The Man who was Tied to Time is now
Bait on a Separation.

A ' MEDIUM" PEN. What Spirits write with.

" SPEECH IS SILVERN, SILENCE
GOLDEN."

THE French have a good saying, yet not
polite nor deep,

"Old Uogic loes nothing when men their
silence keep."

What a Weeing for reporters and Tim f-
rcn icr.s it would he,

Were this suggestion followed by each talka-
tive M.P.

LITERARY NOTICE.
In the Press. Mi/ Table-doth.
The Two Aunts nf the Vvtter. I3y the Author
of 'the S'X Sattrs nfthe VMeft.
My I'atc Coniimidon. a bottle of Baas.

SEKTIMENT. Champagne to our real friends,
and advertised champagne to our false ene-
mies.

THE commercial consonants, L. S. D.

THE financiering vowels, I. O. U.

To NEWLY-MATIRIED PEOPLE. Don't go to India : there is
so much ' tiffin" there.

SENTIMENT. May we ne'er want a friend with a bottle to
give us.

To HOMOEOPATHS. Never go to law, fordtminimignoncuratlex.

NEW CHKIHTIAN NAME FOR OUR GIRI.S. Chignonetto.

MRS. MALAPROP'S LAST. Inviting her friends to partake of a
Cold Relation.

PROVERB BY OCR BUTCHER. You must take the Thin with
the Tbick.

" NATURAL " INDIOKATIOS. When the dealer at vingt-un gets
ace-king.

IILMBLEDUM'S BAld.

eas

,11

/"/'/M

AMATEURS REHEARSING FOR A PRIVATE CIRCUS.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1867.

THE IMMOLATION OF REFORM.

IN IlAn.Mi>N-y wmi XATUHR. The month t'>at f -How*
IVI'ruaiy is oiu! in<isti>f in is j^la-l t" s.-i: at :m i-li<l If
<iii '(lit to l>e played out with ai'pnipiiato mu.sic tlio l)ea<i
M.lre'j.

I-'ou THE PHII oi.ocifAi. Si>cii:ry When the preat l'\-

M-;A \V:IH iiic.litalini,' bU im nr -rt .1 di IMVCCV of Kail iiu

111:,' hut simpV lIU'ldillLj!* Itiado Of ROg't,

, arrow root, ic. Ilcnco thu tonu L'ariiiacvi nu food.

, MATKIV IV N'ATI'llR. Of nil I Uc! Su:lkrnS. S|irilll.'l

tlj',- most cumni'-ii'l tblu, fur he tunis over u new luuf vory

\, ,r

IMENT. Confutioii to the BcntlmcutiL

TRICKS UPON TRAVELLERS.

til" acquaintance, and hit extentivt " Tn

Stunxny. "Kn? Tin: 1:11? On, VK' VES ! JOI.LY FEI.I.ARS AS EVER I MET! DIXED WITH 'EII AT VIENSAII!"

Sovsnr (,lnvn vpon !i:lli Stamen, vlw 'i a anal boaster o6-u( *i " Swell " acquaintance, anil An extenlive " Travel,'' and tkii ytar etpecially, dotcn Palatine

DAUD.\.<[:i.l

aj/X " DID Ton alt Tin
[LittleS. hai !/. tlie Club.

l\;rr TIJIAV SKMIMI NT. Tho Thrown and tho
and nuiy tho bold fellow who rides w.th tin; >n.vund DOTOV
be tho first.

TOAST. T* tho tonguo that c-n keep a secret about tho
false lui-th.

'cm t' .

PICKPOCKET'S TOAST. Tho And tint run f. rl f..r .inother*
pnck"i handkerchief, and tho Art that cau prig it without
del ection.

PHOTOGRAPHIC NEWS Several Costermongers have lately
bad thotr C*rt(o;a takcu.

LOYAL TOAST. The PBINCB or WUALKS, and may hi*
eneiuita blubber.

and tojdi Ho at the bottom of tho well Leave

"OXFORD WINS.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOB 1867.

MIND AND MATTER-OF-FACT,

Cotton-Man (fro' Shoddydaty. " WHAT DUN YO' co' THAT WAYTER? " ^

CottQiMan. "Yc/co'N 'use ALL^AKES AH* IfEBM I* THESE WABTB. WE CO'N 'CM nrzzER-VoYKRS WHKRE AH COM' FRO'!!

"MEN SHOULD BE WHAT THEY SEEM."
Mr*. Blumizztn. "OH, MR. ERACSHAW, HOW LUCKY! MY GIRLS ARE LONQINO FOR A SAIL; NOW DO FIND A NICE BOAT AND

TAKE CARE OF THHM."

[BUT BRAGSHAW, WHO 's ONLY A BAILOR T LO AT DRESSES THK PART T A FAULT, RATHER AK NO BETTER THAN A CAT

ON THE WATER, IS PARALYSED.

PERSONS WHO OUGHT TO BE
VOLUNTEERS.

is7t/>y*. Because of the Chargoa.

Dentists. Because they are the men to
be Armed to the Teeth.

Doctor*. Because of the good Practice.

Farmer*. Because of the DrilL

Footmen. Because of the Powder.

Hosiers. Because of the Ties.

Literary Character*. Because of the
Magazines and Reviews.

Magistrates. Because of Judging Dis-
tances.

Mathematicians. Because of the Cymbals
and Triangles.

Meteorologists. Because of the Drum.

Oculist*. Because of the Sights.

Oyster-eaters. Because of a Good Score.

Persons who Squint. Because of " Eyes-
right!"

Pickpockets. Because of the Rifling.

Policemen,. Because of the Bull's-eye.

Poulterer* Because of the Go;)fle-step.

Prophets. Because of the Foresight.

Wine -Merchants. Because of the Grape.

"WINDOW GARDENING (FOR YOUNG
LADIES).

DON'T plant yourself at the window in
curl-papers.

By careful choice of situation and atten-
tion to suspect, yuunjf hidas ni;iy, by means
of window gardeiu&g, successfully cultivate
every variety of the sheep's eyt (ovis < cuius
ardent), and convert co xcin bs, from the
single to the double varitty with great suc-
cess, by the same agreeable pastime.

VOICES OF THE STARS.

OF all our voices, glad or grave,
This voice may be reliei on

ZADKIEL'S a rogue, old MOORE a knave,
And fools who them undu u.

DUTY ON SUCCESSION TO REAL
PROPERTY.

To let everybody believe it Is twice as
mxich as it really amounts to.

To give yourself all the airs of a landed
proprietor.

To keep a good cellar, well-stocked pre-
serves, a comfortable smoking-room, a
slate billiard table, a constant succession
of pleasant visitors, and to include Mr.
J*jt..f/t by a ttuidinjf invitation.

PUZZLERS FOR NOTES AND QUERIES.

WHERE are these lines to be found?

1. " There was the wti^htth;-t pulled mo

down, Hort'tio f

2. " lie shall not look on what ho likes

again. "

3. " Nor poppy nor mrmdragora,
Nor all tlie ills the flesh is heir to."

4. l I do remember an npotliccaty,

A man of an unbounded stomach,
Whose viitucs we write on glass . . ."

FARES BY DISTANCE. Most actresses,
not a few belles of the season, and all
MADAME RACHEL'S customers, may be
noted as examples of " Fairs by distance."

FAUES BY TIME.' No such thintr known
amongst the Indies, except in the case of
ii dour, old. happy mater- families, who has
the good acnse to look her flge, and dre s
it. She i* really fair by time or in spito
of it.

PRIZE BAD 'UN. If the Mayor of Garrett
were ordered to make his bed in the sea,
which one would lie choos.e ? A-dry-utttc,
of course.

I'cci.tsiASTicAi.. The observers of ex-
te-ml ceremonies aro now called Ritutl-
ists, and those who watch their proceedings
are Spy-ritualists.

Tut: GAME OF SPECULATION C. ptaytdin
the Joint- Stock Share- Mar fat). "Heads," I
win; " tails," you lose.

THE Two GREAT 'VAUSITY TEACHERS.
Urn-varsity and Ad-varsity.

A RASH Acr. The Vaccination Law.

THE "PET" OP TUB BALLET. A strike
In the Corps.

lrO ALMANACK

tOOY.

OTIS COUNTRY CONCERTS.
"On, THEY 'TAKE' IMMENSELY ! Sucn LARKS, TOO, SOMETIMES! WHY, THE OTHER EVENING, AT REHEARSAL, WHFN THE PARSON (HI'S

FOROOTTEX HIS A FORK 1118 TnNINO-FOKK LITTLE JoE BlLBUBY, ONE OF OUR ' FIRST8,' SAID HIS 'FEYTHEH 1 HAD ONE, AKD

otm COKTJUCTOH) SAID BE 'D
STARTED OFT AND BROUGHT IT ! "

SHORT SENSATION DRAMA.
ACT I.

SCENB The Thames Tunnel. Enter LADT

DrDI.EIGH.

lady Dudleifh. At last. Ha I

Siller MAXIMILIAN, tctIA a torch.
Max. Together ! We will fly !

Enter MACOAB.EUS MACKENZIE, in hit dressing-

gown.

Mae. Never ! With life I or without It !
All. Then die !

[MAXIMILIAN applies hit torch to a crack
in the wall, sets the Thames on j>re.
Sinus. Shnpkeei ers ruth out, and
strike altitudes. Flames. Tableau.

ACT II.

8. ENE The Horizon. Enter Sailor*. DICK

steering.

Sailors. Yarely , Yare'y ! Yco ho ! Men ily
ho ! Henvo ! Btslay !

[ ItirK bores a fmte in the boat. It sinks.
Dick. Thus perish all proofs of my guilt.

[Sirimt about, and is pi-ked up ajter several
years.

ACT m.

S -E** 4 HuAlhiit Temple, mrrounilr.l 5y
Precipices and AvalniclfS. Eater Tfirolete
Mi;ltrrl. Killer all the characters climbing
nmnd the ciirwrt. He enter all the Charac-
ters of the previous Actt.
Hfnr. (to Lndy DutVntih). And if our kind

fit' n is in front will only pardon this uuwar-

ramatile intrusion tllt'n

Enter DICK with his beard growing).

J>'cfc. Never !

Alt. Die!

[Flames burst out of Ihe avalmirhe. Moun-
tain torrtntt run up the >i<l(8 of tf/e
Temple. The Precipices foil dovn
their Ofn hfi"hi.t. Kvn-tj'l, ing g'-res
vn<y. So ftoeft MAXIMILIAN, vt,o iceepx.
Crimh. Ilmtiaapt'Cars, lf<i*in<j only his
poclet hantll-mrl'ief. TaHeau. of one
pocket hanilknrhirf and ruins.

MRS. NAOOI.CTON'S ADVICE TO A Wins.
Deflnnce, not defence.

SELF-BESPECT.
The Misrui. " On, JEM, TOO SAID TOD 'D GIVE HE yorR PHOTERORARF. N..W,

LET ' OO IN, AND OET IT DONE."

Jem. "Oil. 1 IlESSATl AN' 'AVE MT ' CARTK D WlnrTE ' STOCK UP IN THE

WINDER ALONG o' ALL THESE 'ERB BALLY-GAIJI AN' 'IOH-CHUHCH PARSONS? No,
SAIREY I"

HORTICULTURAL HINTS FOR EVERY-
BODY AND ALWAYS.

CULTIVATE acquaintances, If deslrabl* ; if
not, cut them.

Never BOW the Seeds of Dissension.

Weed your Library.

Invest in Stocks.

Get a much Heart's-ease as you can.

Fern-giowerB don't be too fierce in your
rivalry : remember the Wars of the Frond(e).

Attend to Wallflowers and trim Coxcombs.

Emulate the Cucumber be cool.

Beware of Auricula(r) confession.

Don't Peach.

Avoid Flowers of Speech.

Pot a lot of money on race-course*.

" Bedding-out " is good for Plants, but not
for friends.

Take the advice of the Sage, or you may
Rue the consequences.

Ladies 1 Success to the (jreat Rose show
on your cheeks, and may you always be Eye-
bright I (N. B. Never pay your beU In Pox-
gloves.)

A DIALOGUE!.

A (vho tall-tflm, to H. in lore). I hope your
Suit is progretring favourably.

B. (malter-of-fact tfan}. Thank yon. Ilio
tailor ba> promised to finUh it by Saturday.

A DiRTTirouisnED divine states that there
has been a great deal of ci >nf cssion this last
year. We hope so, for there has been a great
number ol marriages, each ot which should
have been preceded by the only confession
Mr. Punch tolerates a confession of love

AN APPROPRIATE OFFERIHC. A Printscller
wishing to ulYe the ldy to whom he was < n-
gflged some Proofs of his affection, presented
her with several choice Engravings.

HISTORICAL FACT. According to the LADT
OF HHAWJTT, vegetarianism is us old as the
Crusades, for they had a Salad in thoe days.

EriQcrrrE. A. young laly who permits a
kiss, should Imitate the British cabman, who
on most occasions gives his cheek.

TOAST. May the tear of scmil>ility b
wipo'l by the pockcthandkerchief of coinm..i>
sense.

SOCIAL SCIENCE CONGRESS."-CO

PUNCH'S PROVERBS.

A PUN is as good as a riddle to a stupid ass.

filate loose is gone goose.

" Gee wo !" makes the horse go. " Mather way I " makes tho
horse stay.

Slow and slack gets the sack.

MATRIMONY. Better never than late.

Between two fires the breach i* a post of danger.

The cricket-ball slips through the butter-fingers.

Hit me and I '11 hit you.

Do what you oughtn't, and come what must.

Everyone has his trade, as tho undertaker said to the phy-
sician.

It is of no use trying to cobble horseshoes.

Every one to his liking, as the Frenchman said when he ate
his horse.

Good wine needs no brandy.

A new knife is sharper than an old saw.

He that is out of spirits should drink wine.

The man is not always a thief who steals a march.

Strong beer makes the head clear.

Tis a good wind that blows nobody rheumatism.

'Tis a wise child that knows its New Latin Primer.

E it your ham and save your bacon.

Beauty unadorned is tripe without onions.

No man crieth, " Tatera all cold ! "

None but great musicians can do great shakes.

CHEMICAL. As the thief is to the dealer in marine stores, so
is the retort to the receiver.

No alchemy equal to saving, as MR. PENNYCUICK said \
he scraped his cheese.

No burden so light as that of a comic song.

One man's meat is another man's dinner, as the clown
when he carved his leg-of-mutton.

Ducks lay eggs ; geese lay wagers.

Don't set a beggar on horseback for your pogtilion.

Two eyes of a potato are no better than one.

Throw out tubs to catch a shower.

Well lathered is well whopped.

Do not kick the man who calls you an ass.

What is sauce for cod i not sauce for salmon.

Ostentation is a duty which we owe to our neighb
luxury, a duty which we owe to ourselves.

The red lamp of the doctor's shop is a danger signal.

K FOE 1867.

IG OUR OWN CHRISTMAS DINNER.

SOMEBODY'S SAYINGS.

i course of true love ta a race-course where tbore ia

nafdse start.

las ! how fleeting are the charms of Nature when unhelped

.rt ! Who would long prize Beauty, if it were not for Soap?

leth are stopped with gold, and tongues may bo so, like-

). A man with a rich wife is often silenced by her

i wing- her money in his teeth.

tflosophers have speculated as to whether men become

ta after death; but let us reflect how often they make

its of themaulvoH before it !

ipid shoots with a rifle now, and not with bow and

ws. Else how la it that girls caa hear the popping of

question T

THE THOUGHTS OF A MISER.

" On, that I had been born in the Golden Age, with a Silver
Spoon in my mouth ! "

" A penny f.-r your thoughts," indeed ! Why, most people's
would be dear at two lots for three-halfpence.

It drives me frantic to read of " a glut of gold "of money
being "a drug in the market." I could take any amount of
that drug.

The house I should like to live in would be a house at a
pep pei corn-rent

The man for my money Is the man who can kill cwo bird*
with one stone.

// children are ever "as good as gold," I shouldn't mind
having a few.

"Wh it business lias anybody to enjoy a laugh at my expense ?

" Ilumujopathic Cocoa," that's the stuff for me ; a little will
go a long way.

TLcru'u ouc thing I would give a trifle to see a man made
of money.

Why even Nature is on my side reme tuber Us mean tempe-
rature.

" A Sovereign Remedy " forsooth ! I think I would rather dio
than go to such an expense.

STABLE TALK How about the horse-power of a screw-
steamer?

MEM AND MEASURES. Each of the friends iu Auid Lang
Syne engages to be his own piut-stuup.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1807.

A WARNING; OR, "DRUNKARD'S PENANCE A LA RUSSE."

A REASON" AGAINST DRAMATIC CPTRIHT. What should Dra-
matic Authors want with a right to copy French pieces, when
they already exercise it th fullest th rijjht to iteal them?

To.tgr AND SHNTIMBNT. Every Quack in his P'll-ory.

CIVIL SERVICE EXAMINATION QUESTION. How much docs a
fool weigh generally? A simple ton.

AnvicE TO AN OLDISH BACHELOK. Repent at leisure, and then
marry in huste.

THE SELF-ACTING STOCKBROKER'S
BAROMETEa

YACHTING IN LITTLE.

SQUEAMISH ACccrra STUNSF.L'S INVITATION FOB A MONTH'S CRUISE IN HIS 10-TOM YAWT. HE SUFFERS MUCH.
Slunsel. "CoMH, COME, tQi.EAMian, OLD FELLOW, CHEEK UP I YOU'LL EZ ALL RIGHT ix A WEEK OR soil"

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1867.

ADVICE TO

ENGLISHMEN

ABROAD.

ALWAYS take the wall in walkin
especially when you meet a laily. Never
hesitate, if need be, to force her off the pave-
ment. Thi will show you arc a free-barn Briton,
and can do as you like.

When introduced to a French gentleman, thrust your
tongue into your cheek, and say familiarly, " Comment- vous portez-
vous, vieux coc[ ?" When you meet him again, exclaim, as the Frenrh
do, " Slap bang, voici nous encore !" This will serve completely to put him
nt his case, and show yon arc acquainted with the customs of the country.

Always when you can, walk in the middle of a street, and stare about a.i if tho houses
nil belonged to you, and you were merely travelling to inspect your property.

To show that you were fortunately born in a free country, comment freely on whatever may
excite your laughter, and particularly at tho queer names over the shop windows, supposing that their
owners can hear what you say.

AVlicn you hire a cab in Paris, you will do well to begin a conversation witli tho driver by calling him a " rougo
gorge," tho French for robin red-breast. Then you may please him by pleasantly imiuiring, " Madaino votre mere, sait-
elle quo vous n'etes pas choz vous?" This will manifest a lively interest in his family, and prove you aro not proud, us
Englishmen abroad aro mostly thought to bo.

On entering a church, if you so far condescend as to take your hat off, do so with a gesture that signifies contempt. Strut
about, and sarca=tiually criticise the pictures and tho shrinos, paying no heed to the worshippers who are on their knees

noisily
before lhe:n.

A GOOD CALLING. Painting must be a most lucrative
profession, fur thuru is scarcely au arti.st who has not his
owu *' vehicle."

PROVERB BY oun BAKER. You must take the Crust with
the Crumb.

A CHIP of THE OLD BLOCK. Our butchers daughter,
who is an excellent pianist, prefers to all other music that
of Cnoi'ix.

MOTTO FOR A SERVANTS' HALL, " Learn to labour, and
to wait."

A PHRASE AMENDED. Instead of " as aharp as a needle,"
say " as sharp as a needle-gun."

STAR K TUB FKMALB OYSTER. The Qeorgium 9idu>, to
be sure. Ah, but why ? Uecuuse mo&t people call it her
shell

YACHTING IN LITTLE.

Fqiteamuh (better, ou* far from well ; to lie not been appointed Tea-mal-rr ami St-icartt in general). "On, WHE* ARK TOP FELIOWS COMINO Dowx-sTAiKsf TEA'I ox TUI " (comcti*f

himself, with a tigh for tfu convenience* of terra jirma) *' TEA 's WEADY ! "

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1867.

_r^i- if DM

THE TABLES TURNED AT THE "ZOO."

GAMES FOR ALL TIMES OF THE YEAR.

1. How to tell n Number. Get a number, any number,
and tell them. Very simple.

2. How t-t discontr what Number sani'toJ. v ef*> has C1t<*M*.
Ast iinyone to choose a number. Add 11,8'!T to it. Treble
it. Take 2,220, **7$,9 10 from it. Request him to tell you
the number ho thought of in a whisper. If he won't, don't
play any more.

<*. This is also a pretty game. Tie a ribbon to the poker,
anl pretend to be QUEES' ELIZABETH. Thta kc- pa up a
knowledge of history. Then go on pretending to be any
one else, until everyone 'a tired of you.

4. Blind flarikey - Fasten a InndkercMef round anyone's
eyes. Then let everyone take fishing-- rod*, and try to hnolc
him. If lie guesses who has hookud him, he's uut. This
may go on for hours.

THREE TRUTHS. He who asks to ace his wife's accounts
Is a Si.ob. He who, asked by her, looks at them, is a
Fool. But ho who, after inspection, diminishes her allow-
ance, is a Beast.

SENTIMENT. May difference of opinion never alter ex-
pi es*ion of unanimity.

TOAST. To the man who has courage to conceal Lia
thoughts.

INTERPRETATION OF A
SLANG PIIIUSK

Ot'R own Chaff- Cutter sends
us the following piece of infor-
mation :

" fet inside," cries the little
street Arab to a Cockney eques-
trian.

The Cockney equestrian is per-
haps unaware that the only
-thod of *' getting inside " is
by "entering" a horse fur the

NOTE BY H.R.H. IN RUSSIA.
(Communicattd.)

IM Circasgia the hairdressers
have organised a mounted corps.
Each i nun provides his own
C'rcissian cream, and rides it.
There ii a report th.it, in con-
s quenee of their proficiency on
hursub;ick, the name Cire^ssia \*
to be changed to t'ircitssift, and
MR. BATTY will be made Em-
peror.

SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. The
man who came to a check in tho
hunting-field, nidn't pck..-t it.
The Master of the Hounds sub-
scquently " drew " on a bunk in
the neighbourhood.

NAUTICAL AND PHYSICAL -
May the bark of t'r'n mHiip never
sink in the quinine of iugrati- *
tude.

POST-OFFICE REGULA-
TIONS.

1. LETTEHS may be petit under
C ivor of night, but ihn clerks
;,re not to be Enveloped in d..rk-

JiCS.S.

2. Postmasters mu-t have tho
S'amp of respectability about
them.

3. The Postmaster-General is
not to accept any Foreign Orders.

SUCCESS

DR. ELIZABETH SQUILLS- HXb DARKLY TIME TO SNATCH

IN LIFE.

HUIiniED MEAL AND HASTY PEEP AT THE PERIODICALS
07 THE DAY IN HER HUSBAND'S BOUDOIR.

To PIANOFORTE - Toni-rniNO
YOUKG LADIIS. If 3'ou think
yoxir music be the food of U>vo,
plav on ; but don't be surp isi-d
if yuur lover pleads another
dinner engagement.

Tirot'OHT WHILE WAITING TOR
SHAVIXC-WATER. Anupriyht at-
titude is favourable to truth.
Tbcro is a great temptation to
lie in bod.

WHY is gravel - du-ging i n
Tin. MAS WII,SON, of IIamp3t<al,
the rudest creature in the we 1 i?
Because he is always making
hulcs in his manors.

WE pity the over-worked baker.
He ought to be allowed to slerp
till morning, if only because tuu
sun rises in. the yeast

MERELY NOMINAL The pro-
per term fur a JliliUry Con-
grecs would be a General As-
sembly.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1867.

THE COSTUME BALL.

(LITTLE FUZTOOTLTM HAS SOMEHOW CONTRIVED T^> BE ISTRODTTCEO TO BLAXCHE VATASOCR, AND IMPROVES THE OCCASION. ARRAYED IN THE PICTCREBQT-E ATTIRE OF SIR WALTER
BALCIOK (?), HE CONSIDERS IT ' THR COKRECT THISO, YOU KNOW/' TO TALK THE LANGUAGE OF THB PERIOD.)

Filztnntlft. * * * " BY MY HAUDOM, AMD is GOOD SOOTH, FAIR LADY, THY DIVOTED SLAVS HATH no MEAH SKILL IK A SARABAND I SHALL WE TREAD A MEASI-RE, I' FAITH!

SAY, PR'YTUEE, SHALL WE JOIS THE SlAZY DANCE?" [Blanche rodMOUr M IpttthUu KUi amatnruM.

, May we never have to shed tlio
tear of regret that we ever denied ourselves any-
thing that we liked.

TOAST. The dramatist who observes the unities
by mercifully giving us only one act of his uon-
sense.

"A CHECK in time saves nine," says a mean
husband, explaining that unless you give your
wife's extravagance ft check, she will ask for ono
every week.

REFLECTION-. When a friend's amis arc indeed
welcome. When you see them on his carriage
sent to fetch you to his dinner.

SE\TIMI:ST. Stay we never have occasion to
serve a friend with a writ.

RECIPROCITY. You may safely mind other
people's business. They will be sure to mind
yours.

TOAST. To brothers who are not bothers, and
sisters who are not blisters.

A CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY TnorcHT. Our School-
boy says that the Better Half is the shorter one.

THE only excuse for the fool who fears to
make his will, is that an execution is generally
fatal.

A PAST POSSIBLE PIC-NIC. 1866

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1867.

PICK A POCK-ET, BUT HE I*

NOW, SAD TO TCLL , Ht U

JOINED THE 'KNOCK-OUT

PLOB'SON - PL.OOSO* - KODS 0(* - -?1-OBS 01 - AND PtOOS ON VJW\\-i*f,S nNBE l\ fORTUNt fOK IS Sl-D AOE T
WM

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOB 1808.

ad, d-
Pr A. V.b.

Linnntui d.
KiL Tin. b.

lS.f.Kpip

C.m.L.T.h.
0*t. I-.T. '

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lf-,r..D. T

u.. 8.

a- v.

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Cellini d.

i-;.mr w.

V.l.olin.
II. T^irU

1 L. ,

II. OpU died
.d Frid.

STJ. k .

SS'W V.pc,nl
Tli I'm .l.l
84 K roKb.1748

n.|T.M.T. b.
Arint d.

Alficri .1.
7 8. f-Tj.
PUcidu*

TM K-lth

W B. I* r -r r-
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w in. A...I-PI

M-How.d.
Cr. Alf. h
Qu. Car. d
Hen Silr,*

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I'. K<*R* b

H.lf

CrnM
lA'Tnl [D.WtIl.d

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I;'M,

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tnMW.
>t>l rwUtafcr

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1868.

CAN HAMLy CRAWL
IHTO THE CITY,

ATuHs WELCOME P iTvTHcfcBlN .-j. * s Ks TO

BE. SHOWN HIS BEO-ROOM ! ROARS Cj^ LAUCHTERj

BUT HIS TROUBLES BEGIN WHEN TMlY
THE CHOPS OF THE CHANNtt!

AGRICULTURAL GROWLS.

January. No turnips for cattle. Everything dear,
No grain. Country goin to ruin. Don't know where
we shall be in two years' time.

February. No beef or mutton soon. "Have to live
on bacon," you say ? Lucky to get it, is my answer.
Why every litter, of as fine pigs as ever you. see, all
round about us have every one of 'em dropped off on
account of cold. " No proper care taken ! 1 " Wasn't
there. You can't provide against such storms as blow
your own house about your head, and knock all your
sties and out-houses, roofs and all, to the winds.
"Dear me, you don't say so ! " I do say so. Now
then, whore's your bacon? Gammon ! There won't
be any Spring this year. Ruin, utter ruin, unless
this stops pretty quickly.

March. Floods, of course. Just as everything was
getting to-rights. Distress fearful. There won't be
any grazing land this year. No birds nothing.
Grass utterly ruined. Land soddened. We'd better,
all we farmers I mean, emigrate.

April. Things beginning to grow : good prospects.
Three days' sharp frost nipped everything again.
No Rrass for the young calves. Cows feeble. Price of
labour enormous. Ruin to the farmer. Can't get
any work done. Weather so uncertain, requires
double the number of hands to get it over quickly.
Ruin, Sir. Better emigrate.
May. Well, we had looked forward to this month.

But there . Country 's in a precious state. Rain,

rain, rain, a deluge, Sir. What we want now is fine
weather, and plenty of it.

JuJie. "This fine weather?" It may be fine for
folks in town. But they'll know what that means
when winter comes on. Only wish we could get rain.
That 's what tae want, rain. Beans shy. Oats not to
be depended upon. Barley a' most safe to fail. Rye
promising.

AND MA1MSHEETS

SOMEBODV SLEEPS
ON HIS MAT !

AT LA9T THE
SEA AIR AND
SALT WKTEfc
EFFECT A
CURE AW>

RIGGED OUT IN A SUIT
Of BlNKl&s's HE MAKLS
AS GOO
' Any Of 'EM

AND RETURN
WELL (HE

AND JOLLY
DIDN'T'*

HOME. LOOKING SO
BUYS A NEW HAT)
THAT HIS MOTHER.
KNOW HIM'.

THE SWING

TABLE is VERY

AWKWARD-

A GALE SPRINGS UP AND THE DUTCH
CHEESE GETS LOOSE IN THE NIGHT!

chi

AGRICULTURAL GROWLS.

July. Yes, here 's the end of the month ; and
there's what's called a Glorious Harvest. 1 every
sign of it everywhere. So it is if we could only
pay for the labour. But the farmers, Sir, can't
get the labour, it's no good my aaving twenty
fields ripe with corn if I haven't the hands to cut
it : nor the horses to cart it : nor people to buy it,
and only make a loss by exportation. Why, a Glo-
rious Harvest is absolute ruin to the farmer.

Avgutt. Thanksgiving services everywhere, of
course. Sheaves hung up, and the like, because
we 've got three weeks of fine weather. We want
rain, Sir, rain. The farmer, Sir, (I speak as a
fanner, and reverently) is as thankful for small
or large blessings as any one else. But what's
the good of a plentiful harvest to the farmer now ?
I know there won't be any wheat in the country
November. No, Sir, times and seasons have

singed, and the farmer loses every year.

September. Frosts and heavy dews (dews take
'em !) injuring the milch cows. Scarcity of that
now. Frost the other morning. Seems like winter
setting in already. If it does, there '11 be a famine.
We want a week or two of fine, diy weather.

October. Hot as summer. Play the very mischief
with everything.

Kovembei-. Seasonable weather apparently: but
bad for cattle. There'll be the disease again with
a fortnight's time. What we want is rain.

December. December I more like April What
we want Is dry, fine weather. "Turnips, Sir?"
Confound 'em. Watery. Serious injury to the
cattle in consequence. It's not many people
that'll have beef this Christinas, mind that.
"Sheep?" In a bad state : very. "Nonsense!"
you say, do you? I say rot. Salt, oil-cake, no old
remedy seems to do. Never knew such times.

ECONOMY FOR SWELLS. Two sixpences are better than a
shilling. You must sometimes tip your inferiors, and you
cannot ask them for change.

AGRICULTURE AND PEACE. "I'd a precious dale rather,"
remarked a Hampshire farmer, " ha' my fields grazed by
ship than wi' bullets."

MENTAL EXERCISE FOR IDIOTS. If the Great Seal is In
the keeping of the Zoological Society, who can sit on the
Woolsack J

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1868.

TUE SPUDGROVES oo TO WOBBLESWICK THIS AUTUMN, BECAUSE IT IB QUIET AND UNFREQUENTED. AND so THEY FOUND AHD ON WET SUNDAYS THE ONLY COVERED

CONVEYANCE THEY COULD GET TO TAKE' THEM TO CHURCH WAS THE BATHING MACHINE !

ARGUMENT ron SHOUT SKIRTS. They give plain girls a
chance. What Nature has denied the face, she oRen gives
to the unden-tanding.

ALL IN THE TRADE. Our Tobacconist, who has lately
retired to a little villa in the outskirts, speaks of it- as his
Snuff-Box.

A FEW EDUCATIONAL
DEFINITIONS

Mental Arithmetic. Abstrac-
tion.

Book-Keeping. Not returning
volumes lent.

land Surveying. From the top
of Mont Blanc.

Elementary Drawing. Of babies
in perambulators.

Free-hand Drawing. Thief
abstracting a purse from your
pocket.

Short Want!. Giving two fin-
gers to shake.

Heading and Elocution. Good
speaking in Berkshire.

UK of the dlobet.'fo coyer the
gas-burners.

Composition. UaM-o. crown in
the pound.

Dictation. " Richard, you mv^t
take mo to the Opera to-n'ght."

The Art of Illuminating. Rouge-
ing dexterously.

Political Economy. M. P. in
cheap lodgings.

Fencing. Answering questions
in Parliament.

A THOUGHT BY A TEETO-
TALLER.

AT dinner many do entreat

A bletsiiig. ere they carvo their

meat :

But few, if any, ever think
To ask a blessing on their drink.

ADVICE WITH A PRESENT OF
EARKINOS. If you want your
ears pierced, pinch the baby.

THK PATRON SAINT OF Arc-
TIONEERS. St. Francis of Pales.

BEAUTIFUL FOR EVER I

Clara. " OH, LAUBA

LOOK AT ME! I'VE USED ALL MY ' IMMOVEABLK GYPSY TlNT,' ASD THERE'S NO MORE
TO BE GOT IN THE PLACE I "

THE HUMAN TRINKET. " And clasped him to her bo-
som : "see any Novel. Is it not rather derogatory to man
to be treated as an article of jewellery ?

SHORT NOTES BY A PRO-
FESSIONAL ENGLISH
CRICKETER.

Frtpand for a lecture to the
French Cricket Club.

Note 1. Mossoos, /o standy-
uppy devong your stumps lay
itompi, comirenny ? and prenny
ler bat don- lay mangtvoo un-
derconstumble, nez pir? /.,
dona, ler Bo'er. Bowler, com-
prenny? Aim at you with his
bal do crickay cricket-ball, \oo
voyay ?

Note t.Lorsker TOO myan a cove
a-goin' in for vour pour votre
meedU mekay middle wicket,
comprenny f Rcgarday ay garday
vous like winkiog or out you
go oo dayhor vous alley.

Note 3. Lorskcr unR bal de
crickay oomo at mtre eye, oom-
prenny ?~onp(a.(comprenny? )
' try " to catch him and put the
fellow who 's in out. In your own
language.which you '11 comprenny
betterer, attemptay votu dtrcathy
ler bat, ay mttty It perumf key ay
daydong dayhor.

BALLADS BY AN ECCEN-
TRIC.

The Cloud with a Penny-a- lining.
The Mom's Blind Side.
Meet me in the Waof/melte.
1 vould I vert a. Walnu .'
Beautiful Scar!

THE DEBTOR'S PARADISE. Cro-

diton.

"MEN WHO HAVE RISEN."

Aeronauts.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOK 1808.

FLIRTS IN HADES

Ye maids, that practise wicked arts,
And eke young widows with light hearts ;
Gay guardsmen, andpet parsons denr,
And all such heart breakers. Bee here!
1 charge you all, and every one,
To waste no love ye may have won,

For fear of this grey limbo, where
All you fine flirts that ever wore

Of either aex, (hall bud and blow
As grafts on rooted sterna, and grow
For many a round of days and years
Belf- watered with your own salt tears ;

And wipe your eyes on your own leaves.
For lack of pocket-hand kercliieves!

And wet your lips at your own cost.
To whistle for the loves you lost ;
That these miiy cast their eyes, and sco
Fit cause to kiss, and set you free ;
For if by dint of tears, 01 trace
Of some old unforgotten grace,
You chance to charm a stray kiss out
Of lips you once were fain to flout,
Then may you pluck yourselves, and uss
Your leaves for pinions, if you choose,
To soar upon, and seek for Dunce;
Ihus, only thus, the spell shall cease.
And trust me, you shall not, I trow,
Be beautiful und bright, as now ;
Your featurts shall be modelled then
Jiy JUr. J'unclt's smart young men !
And here your victims, great and small,
Bhall whisk about you, one and all ;
ith banded wings like butterflies.
And, oh ! such beautiful big eyes I
And eyelashes an inch at
And all their wealth of locks iucreast '.
And faces brighter than of old,
And btautilieda billion-fold,
And little else but face to show,
For having buried long ago
Their bodies, and the broken hearts
That plagued them so, In foreign parts ;
Jn fact, euch faces aa you see
In keepsakes gilded gorgeously !
And they shall have sweet kisses loo,
Uut none to waste on such as you !

! they thall either cut you dead,
Or take to teasing you instead,
And point at > ou, and poke their (ui ,
And try your tempers, one by one.
And raise false hopes and lay them low,
And pout thtir lips to kiss, and go !
Ho shall they nip you in the bud.
Or leave you sticking in the mud,
1 hat you may rue your fickle days
Ofdaucing.andyourjiltingways!
'Jill haply you shall culminate
In quite a vegetable state.
And even iu to waste, I wis,
And all for wuut of one poor k ss !

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1868.

AMATEUR THEATRICALS. AN OTHELLO "BREAK-DOWN."

OTHELLO, WHO AS IAGO SAYS, "is ALWAYS UP TO SOME FOOLERY OR OTHER," UNDER THE COMBINED INFLUENCE or SHERRY AND THE BLACKNESS OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES FINDS THE
"NiooER BUSINESS" UTTERLY IRRESISTIBLE. SCENE RISES SUDDENLY. TABLEAU! DISMAY or DESDEUONA, IAOO, &c., AND DELIOIIT OF THE AUDIENCE.

HISTORICAL PARADOX. Some writers arc accustomed to
extol the reign of QUEEN ANNE ; yot there are vile quibblcrs
who do not scruple to call it an anarchy.

NEW OLOGIES.

Buyology.llovf to get great
bargains at sales.

Elcctm-tiuyolofy.Wow to pur-
chase tho best substitute for
silver.

OamtraHtt fiayoloffy. Mo-
scllo after Champagne.

Filtoloffy. Ilow to makoagood
dinner.

(In)toxicoloffy. How to find
your way to the Police Station.

Pathology. How to find your
way where four roads meet
Sifffaolofjy, --How to make known
your passion for ORYNTUIA ANN E.

AN IMPOSSIBILITY. No lawyer, who is worth hit pounce,
evtr takes tho Will for the Deed.

MODERN ARMOUR. Black-mail.

PARENTAL EXPERIENCE.

TRUTH, so tho ancient legends

tell,

ResU at tho bottom of a well :
Sly son, how many rogues I 'vo

known
Careful to let that well alouo !

---.. Why may Scotch-
men bo supposed to like
p 'licemen?

XMJIOT. Eh, Sirs, it 's just
because they're vera fond of
the Batches.

WHICH TOOL OF A CARPENTER
n A MISER'S COACHMAN? A
Screw-driver.

EPSOM SPRING MEITINO.
Ducks lay eggs geeso lay wa-
gers.

TOAST AND SENTIMENT. Hun-
gary wine for thirsty people.

THE GLUTTON'S PARADISE. i
Eaton Place.

FLOATING CAPITAL. Venice.

1/4 POUND

BESTJEA,

I<HIAST",, GIN
FOR / SHIUJM.!

WHERE would be tho place best calculated (or supplying
timber for our Navy ? flat-wood.

GREEK W(H)INES. Complaints Iiom Athens.

CRUEL!
DEDICATED TO THE PROFESSIONAL TEETOTALLERS WITH THE COMPLIMENTS or THE SEASON !

REMARKABLE DAYS.
JANUARY.

6. Twelfth night. General re-
joicing in the Land of Cake*.

7. Great Frost : o< routed
whole on the Thames. POPE'S
Bull burnt by LUTHE.R.

13. Dead Letter Office esta-
blished. Jlrjictttl AdJrttm ap-
peared.

24. Invention of Pomatum by
the Heads of House*.

SO. Calve.' Head Club esta-
blished at the Hotel de Ville.

81. Pheasant and partridge
shooting end*. Legislation be-
gins.

FEBRUARY.

13. STRYPE'S Works edited by
the Seven Head Jlisters.

14. ST. VALENTINE. All GirU'
Day. LOVER bom.

20. Potatoes Introduced Into
England by A. MUUIMIV.

29. Great Leap by a four year
old on the Course of Time. ilna.
llA&aia born.

MARCH.

14. N.W. Passage Discovered
by CAPTAIN CUTTLE.

17. DANIEL LAMBERT born at
Broadstairs. Stout and Size first
made.

21. BENEDICK. All Old Bache-
lors' Day. Spring soup begins.

APRIL.

2. Pluralities suppressed. Stee-
ple-chasing begun to decline.

8. Lamb begins. Quarter Ses-
sions commence. NEWTON made
Master of tho Hint

29. SHAKSPEAKZ vaccinated.
Mr.s. CAUDLE burn.

PUNCH'S ALMJ

THIS GENEALOGICAL PICTURE OF MR. PUNCH'S FOREFATHERS (AND FORE-MOTHERS), I

MATTER THROUGH NATURAL SELECTION, &c., <5

SCIENCE.
f ^* l f5^?J^J^to(^> "On! My DEAR MRS. S., IF You CAN MANAGE TO STOOP DOWN, HERE is 'CAPELLA' SHOWN MOST BEAUTIFULLY!!"

I^S^adluSalmSer ^^^ p r MRS ' SpUDOROVE k*ng seen the Moon, and Jupiter and his Satellites, and Saturn, and Double Start, and no end of

A BALLAD

I 'D be a
Born i

TV here ii
Gaily

Music si
Moons

While 01
Boiled

INTERN

Nute on a
[ does a man,

become a 1
! Qui facit pei
i (And in goir
Boulogne it

pluck to fact
|

ADVICE K

, the thin ma

his shortcom

to a full c

enormity.

WHAT Exi

How often d

( we thought

t right ahead ,

i Whilst Ten
| to keep me
: they might a
! to wean won

THE BiG(
! KNOWN. Th
! Canada.

A POT H EC A r
j TIMENT. Ma
i patient, nor i

WIN AND V

j girl. Thirty

be as pretty \

TURF- GAR
Stud.

METAPHVSI
a sailor at s>
dity ? Pigtai

K. FOK 1868.

ECT LINE FROM 1O66 TO 1868, ILLUSTRATING THE GRADUAL TRIUMPH OF MIND OVER
RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED TO MR. DARWIN.

.AMITE.

pot

my eyes,
files

n. Why
an agent
Because

per 8> a.
estonc to

deal ot

'. Bring
1 sense of
e fut one
I of his

ACHES.

lose who
ehiud go

ieties try
o bottle,
idcuvuur
! glass.

ANTF.AU

ranlc of

IND SEN-
want a
ivo him !
y fl pl:iin

yho wilt

ceding &

riox: By

3 a quid

TOO LATE I
BROWN HAVING LOST HIS HEART TEN MINUTES AGO !

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1868.

Ht'oCOT US UPTOTHI TOP AND THE TOO CLEARED OFF lAWICs! ITWAS A BEAUTIFUL

WORTH ALL THE MONEY AND TROUBLE, THAT IT

HE MADE US GO THROUGH
THE FOG.' YOU MIGHT HAVE '
* CUT IT.'

WC. SLEPT AT A HUT AMD H
BOUSED US UP EARLY TO SEE
THE SUN RISE .''

WEATHER WISDOM OF OUR ANCESTORS

IF Candlemas Day be bright and fair,
It will sooner or later rain hero or thero
If Candlemas Day be darK and foul,
Expect fine weather, at times, ere Yule.

If the storm-cock sing on Lady Day,
Some showers will fall twixt then and Hay.
On Lady D.ty if the Tom-cat mew,
Fine days will follow many or few.

On Easter Eve, if skies do frown,

The sheep will graze on the Southern Down ;

If fair upon Easter Eve it hold,

The sheep will graze on the Northern Wold.

At Whitsuntide, when the hawthorn 'a white,
Ere Midsummer dew will fall at night.
At "Whitsuntide, when the hawthorn 's green,
Ere Midsummer dew will at mom be seen.

At Lammas, an It ever hail.
At Martinmas beware a gale.

At Michaelmas, if tho wind be high,
Look for thunder and lightning before July.
At Michaelmas, if the wind be low,
Look out for frost if not for snow.

When the moon at Yule doth shine,
An wet do come not 'twill bo fino ;
When tho moon you cannot see.
Then, thereafter as may be.

*ND .THE WAY HE WENT ON W mi THAT BOAT -GIRL,
ON ME tE,JUSI LIKE THE ITALIAN OPERA V

MOTTO FOB FRENCH CRICKETERS. As every soldier has
the baton of a Field-Marshal in his knapsack, so every
player has the bat of a Lilly white in his portmanteau.

THE RIGHTS OF WOMEN. " Persons" may be forbidden
to approach the hustings, but the chignon cannot bo
kept away from the pull.

A THOUGHT IN CHANCERY LANE. The Statutes are said
to be " at large " because they are so difficult to apprehend.

To PARENTS AND GUARDIANS. Chap-books are danger-
ous reading for young women.

MILITARY TRIMMINGS. Horse Guards' reprimands.

BE_EHEWED us. THE.BOWTHAT
WILLIAM TELL KILLEc HIS SON WITH

IT WAS OUR TOM PtRSUAOED US TOCO
SAID HE'D TAKE US UP THE ALPS \"

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOB 1868.

HOW

CAPTAIN BETTINGTON BINKS "WON HIS WAJAH. BY JOVE," AT THE ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.

Jo-Mi. "HuLto, SHOWN, WHIT'S THE MATTER WITH You AND MRS. BROWN?

.Brown. " MATTER f WHY DO YOU KNOW WHAT THSY CALL us DOWN HERE? THEY CALL ua BEAUTY AND THE BEAST! Now I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT MY POOR Win
HAS DONE TO GET SUCH A NAME AS THAT!"

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1868.

THE HONEYMOON.

PUBLIC NOTICE.

THE Council of the
Zoological Society will
be glad to obtain, either
by gift or purchase (the
former mode of acquisi-
tion preferred), the fol-
lowing interesting ani-
mals in which their
collection is at present
deficient :| the boome- j
rang-, bugbear, great can- I
taneherus, cbaffwax,
cockatrice,cocktnil,coon, j
j henroach, hypothenuse, :
i mandrake, pair of steve-
dores, parasang, picca- ;
lilly, rhomboid, toadea-
tcr, troglodyte, and lea- [
ser backbiter.

FULL MOON.

INFORMATION WANTED.
At what time in the
morning aro Barristers
called!

PROPERLY DRESSED.
There Is an obvious pro-
priety in going out to
dinner in a swallow-tail
coat.

MOTTO FOR SHEFFIELD
(WHEN WF.LL-BEHAVED
AGAIN.) " Foremost in
the files of time."

FIRST QUARTER.

A CODE FOR FIRST-CLASS CABS.
BY THE EMPEROR OF UTOPIA.

Is order to distinguish him, every first-class cabman
must be dressed in a court suit: white silk stockings,
satin breeches, shoes with silver buckles, jewelled sword,
embroidered waistcoat, gold-laced coat, frilled shirt, and
powdered wig.

Every first-class cabman must wear lavender kid gloves,
and none of larger size than eleven and three-quarters will
be passed by the police.

He must be conversant with English, Scotch, Fiench,
German, and Italian, and, as a civil servant, must have a
civil answer ready in any of these languages wbich his
hirer may prefer.

For the usage of bad grammar, every first-class cabman
will be fined, upon conviction, the sum of half-a-crown ;
and will be sentenced to a mouth's imprisonment for any
stronger imprecation than " Bless me ! " or " My eyes ! "

If found smoking in his cab, while waiting for a fare, he
will be fined half-a-guinea or imprisoned for a week.

He will, however, be permitted, when off duly, to smoke
in his box, provided that he smokes only sixpenny

;ars, and is careful to ignite them with wax allumeUel.

Every first-class cabman must provide tome first-class
literature for the benefit of his hirers ; such, for instance,
as the lima, the Quarterly, and Punch.

He must on all occasions be able to give change, and to
a lady must deliver it in a clean, soft, scented envelope.

In case any dispute arise as to the fare, a first-class cab-
man must produce a gilt-edged book of distances, with a
in:ip and ivory rule to measure every mile.

First-class cabs must all be furnished with yellow satin
cushions, and a crack of au inch long in any of the windows
will be held sufficient cause why the licence be annulled.

Every first-class cabman nn^t carry in the lu.jg;tge, not
merely to the hall, but up to the top attics, if he is asked to
do so : but for this extra service he may claim, if so in-
clined, a glass of dry champagne.

In order to insure rapidity of transit, every first-class
cab-horse must be lineally descended from a winner of the
Derby, and a pedigree to prove this fact must be displayed
inside the cab.

A FOGY ON THE FREEZING -POINT.

'Tis bitter cold, and lo, the mercury
In Fahrenheit's thermometer has gone
Down below thirty-two. Ha, quicksilver !
Now, in the frosty winter of mine age,
Would 1 could do the same !

A SHRUB IN SEASON. It is all very well to decorate your
walls with holly and mistletoe, but an evergreen more
appropriate for the festive season of Christmas would be
the Box.

PROVED BY QUOTATION. Tho antiquity of some of our
great legal firms is remarkable. For instance, MILTON (let
us hope not under pecuniary pressure) says, " To-morrow

to FRE6HFIELD3."

THE GROOM OF THE Stole. The man that forgot to shut
the stable-door.

POLITICAL CHEMISTRY. Although. Parliament may be dis-
solved, it cannot be crystallised.

FARM NOTES.

Ilo-a to Winnow Corn. 1st. Method. Get some corn. Gt
somebody who knows how to winnow it. Let him do it.

2iid Method. If you know all about it, do it yourself.

3rd Method, for Beginners, given in Aarintllural Terms.
Place a steward near the blower, and let him drive the
blower while the hopper is filled with a large wecht.
(This is called the system of Hopptntian ) Then let a
woman with a small wecht slide down on a wheel crushing
the blower with her shoes. This should be done in a neat,
cleanly way until the scum has heen swept with a besom
through a 'wire screen, whilu another lot go on riddling,
when it is the duty of the fanner to answer each riddle as it
comes out. The fanner's chief work is, however, to prevent
any labourer becoming too hot. When a labourer is very
warm, he sits down before the fanner who soon restores
him to coolness.

Treatment of lowlt in Winter. Roast them.

For the Volunteff-Jarm.tr in Winter. Attend turnip- drills.

Hov to Pickle Pork. Get the hog into a proper tempera-
ture. To bring this about make him swallow a small
thermometer. This '11 warm him. Rub him with paper
dipped in oil, give him a uniform coating of barley, tar,
syrup of squills, pitch, and gold tin-foil. Paint his head
green with orange stripes, and by that time ho '11 be in a
pretty pickle.

Breakfast. Always visit your poultry yard before broak_
fast. If unable to find a fresh egg, go to the cattle sheds
Remember that, where eggs cannot bo obtained, a yoke ol
fine oxen beaten up with a cup of tea is most invigorating.

THIRD QUARTER.

PARENTAL ADVICE.

MY son, if with a fool you

dine
Take heed you drink but

little wine :
Nine times in ten you '11

find, be sure.
Though he be rich, his

wine is poor.

POETICAL PROPHECY.
Has it ever been observed
that POPE must have !
foreseen our modern j
practice of leaving Lon-
don to reside near a rail-
way? for ho says," and
lives along the line."

APPARENT ANOMALV.
It may seem strange, but \
it is ruin to an Opera |
lessee to introduce to tho
public very successful
singers, for they are sure
to bring tho house down.

CIVIL SERVANTS OF
THE CROWS. Obliging
Hatters.

THE FRENCHMAN'S OWN
WINE. Champagne Mot-
too.

SENTIMENTAL GASTRO-
NOMY. The sweetest
check is that which hag
never blushed. What is
it? Pig's.

NO MOON.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1868.

IN THE HOME COVERTS AT LUNCH TIME.
JOHN THOMAS SHAKES IN HIS SHOES, AND WISHES THEY WERE BOOTS.

IN CRITICISISO AND CORRECTING HIS PRI.TTY COUSIN'S PERSI'ECTIVE, OF cot BSE FREDERICK'S FACE MUST BE AS NEARLV AS POSSIBLE IN THE SAME PLACE AS HERS ! TABLEAU !
PA (is THE BACKGROUND) is EVIDENTLY MAKING IT BIS MIND TO SEE ABOUT THIS! Kott. FRED hasn't a rapt

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1868.

A SIMPLE STORY.

THERE lived a youth (he livcth yet),
And RICHARD was he rhristencd ;

And well he played the flageolet,
And all the ladies listened;

And somo were even heard to say

His brow was handsome (in its way).

But RICHARD met REN BALL, a man
All chest, and check, and shoulder,

And ever so much bigger th;n
Himself, though little older ;

Whose biceps RICHARD felt and found

It measured fifteen inches round !

Now this demornlisrd him quite ;

And then he took to rending
The naughty books that ladies writo

And found there, with exceeding
Dismay, that ladies' heroes are
Wild, wicked men, and muscular !

Then in high dudgeon did he uso

To feel himself all over ;
But little sinew, and no thews

Could RICHARD'S thumbs discover ;
And wickedness is rarely met
In men that play the flageolet.

But 'twas not yet too late to mend ;

He got dumb-bells, and shyly,
He took the couiisel of a friend

('* Exi>erimentum vili")
And tried them first on his left arm.
And found they acted like a charm !

Much bigger waxed his bicep?, but
When this left arm was finished,

The left lobo of his occiput
Ha<1 sensibly diminished ;

So then he went it, right and all,

To make bii nut symmetrical !

N>t only that ; he, on his head

So dexterously caught it
That all the ladies present siid

They never should have thought it !
And even I could not but own
"j'w.is hard lines for the paving-stono !

Next day ho caught a cold, alack !

And all his muscles vanished,
But none of his old brains came back

Which his dumb-bells had banished ;
And not a rack was left behind
Of what he chose to call his mind I

His nut soon got so hardened tint
It hurt you when you hit it ;

Nor could his hatter find a hat
(Already made) to fit it,

So marvellously small it grew,

As all may judge from this back view.

At length a happy day came round
(Which 1 was there, and drew it)

When RICHARD lifted from the ground
A paving-stone, and threw it

Almost one foot three -quarters high !

And that with ladies standing by 1 J

Poor RICHARD now (0 have you met
Him lately) has grown bitter;

For when he plays the flageolet
The ladies talk and titter ;

And no one ever thinks his brow

In any way good-looking now !

little men, who wish to please,
Be wiser than poor DICK ! shun

Big friends with brawny bicipes,
And female works of fiction ;

But stick to music all your might,

Or be cut out. And serve you right !

TIIIC LATEST CRITICISM. There ia one word inourUnstuatro
which, with a slight alteration, expresses all that can
possibly be slid in pr.uso of a certain class of TENNYSON'S
poomR, which are simply Idyllicious.

AN Ux ACCOUNTABLE FACT. It is astonishing what ugly
women you do sometimes see with a ring on the left fourth
finger.

ADAPTATION OF LEGAL MAXIM TO SOCIETY (Bv A MATCH-
MAKING MOTHER). '"Position is nine points of t'jc Law,"

A PROFESSIONAL VIEW OF THINGS. Our jeweller, rather
sentimental and a bachelor, never speaks of himself as a
single man, but as a golitaire.

MATRIMONY MADE EASY. A young lady is in want of a
husband. She is intelligent, amiable, and accomplished,
but not pretty. She advertises for a blind man.

TIIE FORCE OF HABIT. A literary friend was overheard
the other evening requesting his landlady to put clean
proof sheets on his bed.

AN ASTONISHED FOREIGNER. A Neapolitan was greatly
surprised to hear that the upper classes in England were
fond of " Fresh Laver," and tbat the lower classes were not
averse to a drop o' the crater.

QuotfioH. "When is the Monkey-house at the Zoological
Gardens like a bouquet of artificial flowers?

Answer by our Idiot. When there 'a a Sham-Fansey in it.

COMFORT ron CONVICTS. The place for good red wine is
undoubtedly Port-land.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1860.

JANUARY.

-<=*:

W PrtWItb I^TI.CamM-Ta.YwJI

Tl. 11 . Auittit 17 f O.f M.T... \\ll
- ;,, IBS Grinmldib. V*

^)^

All .inl

16 T.

Kr.kin* A-

B I ,

Mid.. T. b

8 W

F.ll..fAc.(

K."b.M p k."

4 Tl

!>. I .

(-..I,. I1l -

l!.S\Kin d.

1 r. ( 1,-, 1 .'

^.;-. .f.'lr

i4f.af.Tt

2-'

Cfcil

K M

CMT.d.r

M r| pm *n

!' 1

P.of Wli.1.

J. Kni d.

JO \V

l.utlitr b.

^'.

M>t\i. T

1 1 Tl.

1 1 K

81. Miriln
Han., b.

.".

-'7

F.ilnirgL
l'i..M.A.b.

133
I* S

ta|S

nr mi.
25S. af T..

M...'l,.lT.i.

L'.',

1 ,

A. Iv. ttund
F lluin.nd
M k L#mon

XXX DAYS.

'OCTOBER.

!-t Cti.pi

ae T D..,,/b
>; w;c. rooh b.

If) Til Will. I 1 r..

9 F a 8tl..mti
MbJ M,.,..l-=l,

iis it>.iiTt r-

XXXI DAYS.

K fl,.,!!.,,,,^
S li.ch.li.'ud

10 S Oripwldi b.

19 S :i K if AJ

i a , A. .
s Nicholi*

() M 11 Vieii.**

fit T>< -l.'l 1 "I1..1-

r , K. .nil.., d

88 W Win Q. b

W C.bV.M.rv
Tl. V.ndyk.d

83 Th J.tirahd.
84 K ChF.it. K..

.', S i I,,,.,. 11.)

H Jno. U.jr d
S 2 S. IB Ad.

86 S 1 S.af.fbr.
27 M St. John

M -L Lucy

88,Tu InnnrtnU

Tu|P. Alb.rtd,

*:> W t.(.ff.,r,l .

30 Tl. I-KO. tkn.

F |c.rtA
At.jdo t

S ifrfTci

M lUcli.l il.

17
If

s
S

llbbBO d. \

.'-.f K|,p
'"-

W.I i h.

l\. Ed. Conf. d.

Kbt-n

w Kpi,.h. Br

Tli \V KiJd.d

11
H

Arn*>
V,ocnt

S N*ltnn*i f-i

-*.pu. KB,

1 H.nf.Kpl.
H.I. TL b.

f.,

Hur D . b.
Hr.lll dlM.

T [-..-.. d.

J.OibMn d.

W t ..m.L-T.b

Tl.

I'r.tc.-!'. d.

riilOif. L.T. 1*

J 1

F.kl.KTftni

r Of.lnlptot

-1 ill 18 !

p -. I M

A-rr >

XXXI DAYS.

FEBRUARY.

B. Or.li

!i ! , -

2 I..

li. Linrola

1'"

3 W

ll*M.r. d.

llr.l.M-i d.

5 V

f 1.1 ram d.

?".''" l.lni

8 M

Ti.

Dirnl m.

llrTikH

ID \V

A.ii W*d.

MallhU?

11 I'l.
iii V

'. ! r.-.y

V) . ,u .1.

Tl.

Wr.n d.
T. Moor*

139

1*. infant.

1-- I.,

XXVIII DAYS.

MARCH.

M M. O.*.d
T- W.,,.r d.

D*. K*nl .P

8t. 1 '.I rick

W B U.rtoa

Pa. 1...., b.

1 ' -.m,r. (..

Lurknow |-

f Aiod.

11 Al*id .

; II.. Main*,
S 48 inl^ot

II
H

;.n.* d.

M Will Hid.

N.L OaL t

T Co-...u k.

^. Kin d.

W Srh.llar b
^''In'-T.lmp

I '

-rl,l. y b.

*-,
i

t....r tun!

S 58 tnUHI

-"i

" M. H (n r .d
~|3I 1 Wl 1

:-.
i,r

*.l*. Ik..

I 0f . T.
XXXI DAYS.

APRIL.

iln,
t'f

I. B. S..
lOoi* diwl
H*Bllu h.

H- DMMta

S plH.r.lu*.
J Jtf,i_d.
T. -p.. l.d.

XXX DAYS.

W Si. Gil*.

!',

1 i.

1 ' Cl. d.

I'l. f.om.on U.

Uuih.it

F O. Crom. d.

li.,.,1. l.nd

9 L'ftlalilkn.

17 8 . df.Tr.

S 16H.-f.Tr.

li of Alma

M C'.jllnrlil.

St Mr,* tit

T.. Kun-.ic)...*
W Nat B.VM

11, II ('.. ,1,1,1,

i'-J W

a:, 11

['IK

Ev.n., iun
A..tn. d. b.
S. H,,tUrri.

K 11 Quvoniiy

H.A11.18I6

!* S Of U.ll.l

th .IT,

AI (.J'KO d'

B. Cnidn*

T., HolvCroM

IMkl't 1 "?!.'.

W 1). Wll.d ]

x J"..,,i V

K-

i 1

|ns.,f.Tr

G.. introdA

H. Z.m.

1 -

toulUin d.

T; HI.nt.Pk.ii.

1 Spun

I'l

III.., ,,l fro

1 ' Ld*Hod.

>' Cr. AK. h

> *Ju. Car. d.

;i h .r T.

S ,lS..fTr
M H VKT

-'.,

r ,

Si H.'iholu

T" r. Kn. b!

v.s

J Waei d.

W Half (Ju.r.

ii,

I. rr.y

B V.n*ait

* <l l...t. .!,..

1. L*ipaie

> l.dClydtd

4 h .f.Tr.

S I2S. .f.Tr.

B J,,l,an. J

JULY.

Pra. H.lm
Old Mid.D

K' V

XXXI DAYS..

MAY.

(((in,* (k.
Nap. J. d.

N7"l'. Cti

JUNE.

1 1

ISTi

law

T.tlv.rdd

B<MW.1| d

i a pkU

, P.G WU.
BM.n(
Wb d.

faitod d.
H*il*txrg

j I). Wilioa
3S-.i aC.Tr
It N*, y

l w wa-
17TI.W. AIUP

IK K ! KW-t.rloo
I!*-* til. \V..f

: S - ' -' i '

.
WJKPhH*

. f.i f.Tr. I
- ,J. Viet Cf.
rJK. FWr '
wlBoacotd.

XXX DAYS.

XXXI DAYS.

/Tfl

CALENDAR FOR THE YEAR.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1869.

A RUN WITH A RANTOONE.

THE COVER-SIDE. 10'45 A.M. SPRIOGINS COMES UP WITH THE HUNT ox HIS FAVOURITE "RAIITOONE."

IC'50. " FOB' ARD AWAY !" SpRIGOINS GETS ALOKO FAMOUSLT.

10'5t5. " YolCKS ! " Sl'IilCiGINS LEARNS WHAT A " CROPPKR " MEANS.

.'i. "TALLY-HO!" SPRIGOINS REALISES THE SENSATION or UEINO
"RUN AWAY \vnn."

11 56. FIVE MILES TKOM EVERYWHERE ! !

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1869.

MUSIC OF THK FUTURE.

SENSATION OPERA.

THE ROOT OF THE MATTER.

Daughters, to the nne and welt-conntcttd Curate. "I AM

r HOLD TO THAT SAI> HpRFSV * RHITT TUP Ct-r i c. , f -,. *

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1869.

WISE IN HIS GENERATION.

FasldmcMe Patient. " COD LIVEK On ! ! ! MY DEAR DOCTOR, I COULDN'T TAKE svcit^ HORRIBLE STUFF A3 THAT ! '
fashionable Doctor. " WELL WELL WHAT DO you SAY TO A CREAM AND CuRA?O4T

OULD HAVE MY NAME PUT ON THE REGISTER, WHAT SHOULD I GET BY IT?"

Am,t Sophv. " Now SUPPOSE, GEORGE, AS A SINGLE WOMAN I SHOULD HAVE MY NAME PUT ON THE RKOISTER, WHAT SHOULD I GET BY IT

Pet Kephew " On A OOOD DEAL. You 'D BE ALLOWED TO SERVE ON CORONER J CRIES, COMMON JURIES, ANNOYANCE JURIES, PAY POWDER TAX AND ARMORIAL
AS PARISH BEADLE AND NIOHT CONSTABLE OF THE CASUAL WARD, AND INSPECTOR OF NUISANCES, REPORT ON FEVER DISTRICTS, AND ALL JOLLY THINGS OF THAT SORT.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOK 1869.

"SUCH IRK IN CELESTIAL MINDS!"
Ton BE DISESTABLISHED ! I 'i.r, r.ivr. HF.R FLOWERS, OB WHATEVER I I.IKI: "
1 1'H DISENDOWED IF YOU SHALL ! Now THEN ! "

CORUSCATION FROM COLNEY HATCH. A disciple of
HAHNEMANN and PRIESSNITZ, mad on homoeopathy, and
also ,m tho water-cure, maintains that an infinitesimal dose
of mountain dow is the cure for cataract.

A TRAVELLER'S OBSERVATION. The .Americans say our A COMMON COMPLAIHT. Young clergymen whose hearts
Ukes are fine, but .theirs are (arnatiorf finer-nay, they are in their work often suffer much when first they address
insist tbat they beat afl to tho world in this respect, because their congregations. fo cause is well^own-puJ^T.

they have one which i

CAMTE OF A LUNATIC

DINNER

ODD fish, including pike and
swunl fish. Broth of a boy,
ruocktail. and P soup. H bone
;ui<l cold shoulder. Chops and
changes. Ducks nnd drakes, an.i
March harc-s. Jailed ciwl.s ;;am-
lii'in, ;ui'l ^hanklint.'hine. Larks,
coxcombs, and fair g.iniu. Mag.

ie, piebald, ami madcap pud-
in;r. Hut codlins, gooseberry
and April fool, pilrts and tlmu-
niery. Sweets of ofliee. Vege-
table ivory and evergreens,
liiawn and muscles. Ore -iiwich
rolls and 1'eckham Kvo In', ad.
S.oi -c of the Nile. Cakes and
ale. Pippins and cheese. I 1
Frulti of the Ku.rtion.

'live blanches, apples fionj

'hcrry 1 ipe, o uifrin
and lemons, city plums, i
jam and gillie preserves. \\jn s
from the wood and s|iiiiis from

p. The whole to con
with T.. solcr-water, and i
nlell.

THK.II; arc two periods in tho
life of Man, at which he :
i>i- to tell Woman the
truth : when he is in love and
when he isn't.

" A QfESTlON TO BE ASKF.f> "

If Secret V..;i , ; ),... adopted, and
Spinsters get votes, how will they
like to be called Ballot Girls ? "
QUERY FOR THE ETHMOID, .. u
S.ICIETY. What is the re
of tho Saxon and Celtie i
the Derby?

PROVERBIAL PHILOSOPHY. Do
not kill tho Golden Calf for its
veal.

CHIT-CHAT. Girls' talk.

QUERIES..

WHAT sort of a aubttanca 1<
" Murtcal Pitph"!

Wffl some irpurtsuMn Ml us
what "douM'

^Vhat * " JlaWioaial Domi-
nose'?

Is " Zoroaster " a flower ?

What is a " portable ox-tall ? "

Na "cotton gin" intoxicating T

Where do " literary laurels "
grow?

Can you steer a vessel by tho
" compass of the voice! "

How ranch is "Tuc Village
Pund " ?

Is MR. TV*Tf-nn.M-~F HIWKINS
ncquainted with " Koyal Alito-
diluvian Buflkloe"2

HORSEY.

'" Papa's coat and eafy " ITmv 1,0 you LIKE MY NEW HORSE, GEORCE?"
n beorge UM ! HE 's A oooDisii TOIT'D YN, BUT AWFULLY COARSE SHOULDER,

THK IIWJKS AND PASTERNS!"

SHOULDER, AND TOO THICK 'lX

A JL'ST TRIBUTE. Wnmcn are
nobly honest. Wo firmlybelievo
that the only female in this coun-
try who likes to be in debt in
BRITANNIA.

STRONG MOTIVEPOWER. There
is perh ips no mechanism equal
to that of the Beer-Engine in ita
power of elevating the masaca.

CAUSE AND EFFECT. "The
phenomena of colours discovered
byGRiMALDi." Hence the pecu-
liar appearance of the Clown's
drees.

MAY MEETINGS PLATITUDF.S
FOR THK PLATFORM. 1 he Milk
of Human Kindness owes no-
thinj to tbc Cow with the Iron
TMI. It. croam Is no cream of
tartar. '

A FA LSI ALARM When you
fear ymir new teeth are coming
out, hut they dout

" THE AIT op TOL-CDE ROL)-
ERATION." SingingComic Songa,
GERMAN- STOCK. Alpen-Stock.

PUNCH'S ALM4

COME IIVE WITH MEj AND KM

GXt4%%

I[)R|HK TO ME ONLY

THE FOOLS' PARAD:

IN and about the Honeymoon,

Young Love in his fever gloweth ;
He waxcth fast, he waneth soon,

He cometh, and he goeth.
Young Love hath wings that flout his legs,

And soareth, Life unheeding ;
Young Love is the goose with t lie golden Eggs!

And soon he lies a-bleeding I

He weaves his bandage round you

He casts his blindness o'er you,
That you may dream all Paradise

Doth stretch away before you !
And dreaming each the other blest

With Love's own wings behind y
You dare the Parson do his best

For aye and a day to bind you !

The road is red with roses sweet,

That leads you to his Dwelling
With shoes of swiftness on your feet,

And Joy there is no telling !
And each a cap about the brow,

But ne'er the Cap of Knowledge :
/L The Cap of many Bells I trow,

Fifc best in Young Love's College !

For all a month He bids you fain

Go feed among the Posies ;
And hides the Padlock and the Ch

For all a Month of Roses ;
And gives you nought to care aboi

But Love, till Truth be minded
That you should find each other 01

And be no longer blinded !

T RvE A s u

A_B O RA

CK FOR 1809-

OR LOVE AND LIFE.

Love ! that all the best of you
Be over with the wooing !

Wedlock ! All the worst of you
That there be no undoing !

It's I Icy! Ho! andWclladay
For Youth and Love, and Honey !

It's Hcigho ! and Workaday
For Bread and Cheese, and Money !

VI.

Weep not, poor Fools, nor hold aloof !

Take up your chain together,
\ml earthwards pad the wandering hoof

That brought you fooling hither !
3 Help each other, and share the load,

I-. T .steep the pass and thorny,

1 hat leads you thorough from Love's Abode
To Life, and rough the Journey !

" O Dream of Dreams ! O was it worth
" The pain of this our waking ?

" O what is there of balm on earth
" Can heal us of our aching?

" O Love is he dead before the Prime,
Love that was born so newly?" . . .

Poor Fools, go pin your faith on Time,
And Time shall tell you duly.

VIII.

For Time that scorned love's earlier ways,

His mellower secrets holdeth ;
These, living out our length of Days,

We learn as Truth unfoldeth.
Who knows but in a year or two

That Love may have the kindness
To come without his wings to you,

And holpen of his blindness?

DM|

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1869.

CLEVER LITTLE PUSS.
" MAMMA DEAR, THEI-.E WERE Two SUCH RUDE BOYS IN THE TOY-SHOP THIS MORNING ! THEY DID STARE AT ME so ! I STAKED AT THEM AGAIN, BUT AS THEY DID NOT MIND THAT,

I TOOK TO VlNKISi: I"

HOME EXERCISE.

Diana. "OH, CHARLOTTE, HOW CAN YOU STAY IN-DOORS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY? WE'VE HAD SUCH A JOLLY LONG WALK."
Charlotte. "WEIL, HAVEN'T I BEEN TAKING VIOLENT EXERCISE? I 'VE BEEN READING COUSIN GEOROE'S STORY IN THE ' GOODY-GOODY MAGAZINE,' AND DOING NO EHD OF SKIPPING.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1869.

SCENES FROM ANIMAL LIFE.

VULPINE SAGACITY.
Reynard Paterfamilias. " Now, MRS. R., JUST CHUCK THAT CUB INTO THE WATF.R,

AND COME IN YOURSELF, I TELL YOU. PUTIINO ASIDE THE QUESTION Of SOCIAL

COMFORT AND DECENCY, IT is ONLY BY THE MOST PUNCTILIOUS ATTENTION TO PER-
SONAL CLEANLINESS THAT WE MAY HOPE TO BAFFLE OUR NATURAL ENEMIES, THE
HOUNDS ! "

"WISE COUNSEL.

Poor Putiy (in violent agitation). " COURSED YESTERDAY, AND HI'NTED THE DAY
BKFORE! AND HERE THEY ARE AGAIN, Does AND ALL!!"

Hedgehog. "WHY DON'T YOU STICK up FOR YOURSELF A LITTLE? LOOK AT ME:

7 WON'T BE SAT UPON BY ANYBODY ! / tUOVLD LIKE TO SHE TUSH TXr IT ONI"

A SENSIBLE YOUNG PERSON.

"Its not because she dresses well
That I admire Miss BROWN :

Let other tongues her toilettes

tell,
I cannot note them down.

Nor is it from lier talents that
My admiration springs ;

Although I hear that she can

"tat"
As sweetly as she sings.

"Tis that no other charms she *U

wear

Than those by nature grown :
Her cheeks are pointless, and her

hair,
I 'm told, is all her own.

SOCIAL SUPERSTITIONS.

THAT it betrays a vulgar mind
to cany a p.ivel in the street,
tlly if it be wrapped up in
a piece of newspaper.

That if you are seen running,
as though really in a hurry, you
must certainly lose caste, ami
that noUnly worth knowing will
take notice of you aftt rwards.

That something dreadful must
happen it' you k-ave your gloves
at homo, although the weather
is so li'it that you cannot bear
to wear them.

That if you are a lawyer you
will lose all your best clients
should you carry a blue bag, but
nobody will be offended at your
carrying a black one.

A NEW SAW. Industry is the
parent of Idleness.

VAN, DICO, PINXIT.

WHoought, when alive, to have
painted the Sussex Downs near
Brighton ?

Evidently VAN DYKC.

N.B. There is no proof tbat
VAN DYKE ever was on the Sus-
sex Downs ; but there is a " Dykt
Van " which goes there regularly
in summer.

A COSTERMONGER'S CANT.

BILL COSTER said, " See them

two fish ?
Them there's both females,

Mister ;

A pilchard she in this here dish :
That 'ere ' Lor 'crrin' stater."

THE WONDERS OF THE DEEP.

(FROM NATURE.)

IF fish can judge of space, is it
supposed they do so by the rod,
pole, or perch? or, if musically
inclined, do they sing " I'd
choose to be a dacey " ?

MTSICAL SI.ANO. ' THAT 's
terribly baM." said a critic, alter
hearing a new overture. "Bald,
eh?" remarked his friend. "I
suppose you mean to say that good
airs are rather scarce in it ! "

LOCAL EXAMINATION PAPER
Gfoarapky. Name a bigger Isle
of Dogs than our own. New-
foundland.

IN a domesticated state do
haras sit upon chairs as well u
forms?

Asa leopard cannot help being
spotted. Is it possible for him to
conceal himself?

Ser-rEMBER-FeMALK EMANCIPATION. A paper is read at
the bociol Science Congress " On Women's Rights " Tim
ladies unanimously agree that their wrongs are innumerable
and resolve to demand complete redress ou every change of

EPITAPH ON COCKLE. His Pilgrimage is ended.

IMPROMPTU (AT SIX MONTHS).

Tom. Let 's keep a diary ; where one down sets

All that occurs, my MARY JANE.
Jfary Jane (imprompluously). Oh, Lett 't .'

AMUSEMENTS FOR THE FAMILY CIRCLE. A pastime occa-
sionally practised at the domestic board is that of divina-
tion by tea or coffee-grounds. ZADKIEL might adopt this
instead of Astrology, which, his blunders must convince the
most credulous, is entirely groundless.

HAVE pigs been known to lend their spare ribs?

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOB 1869.

MRS. POTTLETON (ET THE AlD OF HER MAMMA) H

A GOOD PRACTICAL JOKK.

AVING EXACTED A. PROMISE FROM HER HUSBAND OF A NKW HARMONIUM. RECEIVES AN AGREEABLE SURPRISE.

" SWEET-CHEEK " was a pretty term of endearment a couple
of hundred years ago. It might be revived with appropri-
ateness ; for not only are the cheeks of our young ladies
quite as sweet as those of their ancestors, but to do some of
them justice, their characteristic is of course the nicest,
but still cheek.

ZOOLOGICAL. Naturalists tell us that such a thing as a
mouse is not now to be found on the Catskill Mountains.

THEATRICAL. Not the least important part of the ma-
chinery of the modern stage is tho lever de rideau.

A PROFESSIONS VIEW OF THINGS. When placards of
HOLMAK HUNT'S picture of T/ie Pot of Sasil were all over
London, a sporting friend, up from the country for the
Derby, inquired who Basil was, and how much he had won.

BY A COMPOSITOR. Novelists have no hesitation in say-
ing that AUGUSTUS imprinted a kiss on ANABTASIA'S fair
cheek. By way of a change, how would it sound, if they
were to say stereotyped instead of imprinted ?

TOAST AND SENTIMENT. The bank that no cheque will
stop.

THE EFFECTS OF EDUCATION. Our housemaid (AMELIA)
is fond of fine words. The other day she gave warning.
When asked the reason, instead of the usual answer that
fihe wanted to better herself, she said that she wished to
ameliorate herself.

ARCHITECTS OF LONDON. BEAU NASH built Regent Street.
HADLEY was the Inventor of tlie Quadrant. ASTLEY created
the Circus.

AN IMPOSSIBILITY. Hanging out clothes on Shepherd's
Bush.

THE CODE PUNCH.

THE following crimes and
offences may be committed with
impunity, and without fear of
consequences :

Killing time.
Murdering an air.
Smothering the feelings.
Stifling a laugh.
Striking a baUmce.
Forging anchors.
Picking your steps.
Stealing- a kiss.
Coining money.
Poaching eggs.
Breaking into a gallop
Trespassing on the attention.
Beating- carpets.
Cutting jokes.
Shooting Niagara, and
Setting the Thames on fire.

AGRICULTURAL QUARTER SES-
SIONS. The county crop is now
reaped, and fields are open for
unproductive labour. No grist
brought to the treadmill.

SURE TO BE So. The result of
all the nonsense that h:is been
talked about the " Two Sexe*
of Man " is, to make one dis-
like more than ever masculine
women.

INTERESTING TO COLLECTORS.
It may not be generally known
th*t all our earthenware came
originally from one place Pots-
dam.

CULINARY. Many epicures aro
of opinion that cooking by g-*s is
not unfavourable to gastronomy.

FROM WINDKOR. Are you a bad
sleeper? Always wash your face
before going to bed ; it is an ex-
cellent Soaporific.

OLD SAW NEW SET.

WHEN is a door not a door?

Of course, when it 's ajar, you 11
say. Not at all. The answer is,
When it 's a Jack Daw.

And, apropos of Jack Daws,
where should you say was the
link between the bird and the
fish ?

It is supplied, it appears, by
tlie Jack Daw on one side, and
the John Dory on the other.

LA CHASSK.

Sflmisman (Britith). " HUILO ! I SAY, YOU'RE NOT GOING- TO SHOOT THE BIRD RUNNING?"
Chasseur (Frmch). " MAIS, NON, <MON AMI ; I SALL VAIT TILL HE STOR ! "

MY uncle was six feet two.
He used to take me and BILLY
(my brother, arcades ambo twins
both, aged eleven), out for a walk.
He improved the occasion educa-
tionally by telling us how we
three ilhi^trated a dactyl. He
would playfully walk before us,
and say, " Now, hero it is : a
long followed by two shorts "

POOR OLD LADY. MRS. MALA-
PROP, whose head just now is
full of Ireland, says the doctor
tells her thure is something the
matter with the Irish of her eye.

HAS it been noticed that ladies
wlit) 1 like long trains are partial
to the outskirts ?

WHY would you expect most
fravdenei's to be proud? Because
they are taught Haughty Culture.

OH ! OH ! If you wanted to
write agranrl poem like MILTON'S
Paradise Lost, what lozenges
ought vou to eat by way of ob-
taining inspiration ? ^/Ji'c-cacu-
anha.

ITALIAN, AND VERY NASTY.
Why is a great Saint's day in the
Roman Calendar a sore point to
touch upon with Catholics ?
Because it is a Festa.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1860.

MR. CAHEKUL, HAV, NO 8reNT A LON

PROVERBIALLY So. A young ladv's
always unexceptionable. Whin you
her tible, you know pretty well wh il

PARSING.

(For Me Use of School*.)
Posaum. A creature in thi
forests of America, and a verb
in the Latin Grammar, lu its
first character it gets up a tree
when you're pasting. I,, it3
second it puts any one up a tree
wno can t main^e to jut --<.

Powt. Imperfect subjunctive

Jf rottum, and very nice with

'"oTa 1 hcrr y when you 've

Amo I love, only in Latin, but

tis not much of a mat in another

Ofpiage, Amuri is the infinitive

meaning to love. As you read

this book at her, and sigh out

that the Latin Grammar says

that if you want to love " it

must bu A Mary, hand her Mr

fu.nchs Almanack, and lut her

therein read your honourable

"sentiments.

HIGHLY POETICAL. You havo
had words with your wife-she
rejects your advice, or disputes
your authority-she walks out of
the room, shutting the door with
unnecessary violence which of
bHKLLEVs IVc,,,.- ,t.,es she make
you think of by that act? The
Revolt of Islam.

A RIPE Tnoi:<iiiT.-It is a mis-
take to talk of the .lecliiic of the
stage. The British Theatre is
now in perfection with its md-
low-dr.un.L

WHKRE a sale is divided into
alphabetical lots, under whinh
letter would three gallons of ink
come when knocked down by the
hammer?-,*. A big a-M.

PEOPLE WHO ro THINGS "BY
HA LVES. "Schoolmasters.

E ?.T , CRILKE TERS. - The
Club.

BIDDLES BY A WRETCH.

C- WHAT is the difference be-
tween a Surgeon and a Wizard t

A. The one is a Cupper, and
the other is a Sorcerer

Q. Why is America like the act
of reflection?

A. Because it is a roomy-nation
,. , w oy Is your pretty Cousin
like an alabaster vase ?
f A. Because she is an otjet At

Q. How is it that a man born
in Truro can never bo an Irish-
man?

A. Because he always is a Tnio-
Eoman.

Q. Why is my game cock like
a bmbop?

A. Because he has his crows
here (croiier).

MARCH. High winds may be
expected. Tiles blown off houses
become projectiles. N B. It is
better to have a billycock on
your head than a chimney-pot.
Much insanity this mouth. Slate*
loose in the upper storey.

THE HIIGHT or MODESTY
The most bashful girl we ever
knew was one who blushed when
she was asked if she had not
been courting sleep.

MORE LATINO. Why is a drama
written by a couple of collabora-
teurs like pitch? Because it is
oy tieo men (bi-tu-mtn).

Ir a redbreast comes Into your
fnu't garden, does he come there
a i obbin ?

CHORDS FOR A RITUALIST.
Jtite-follow-Liddll-lol de ray.

THE PARADISE OF UNCLKS
Polynesia.

ANILINK DYES. What Old

TjtHlV-4 nan

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1869.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1870.

CALENDAR FOR THE YEAR.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1870

CHAMBER OF HORRORS AT

CULTURE FOE, THE MILLION; OR, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE.

' * *

ALWAYS THE SEASON. There is one out-door amusement
in our variable climate which may be pursued all the year
round, wet or dry House-hunting.

IF a man says to you, " By the way how do you Spell
yourname?" he usually means, " What the juice is it?

METEOROLOGICAL. How to find the Direction of the Wind.
Ask the Postman.

THE wretch who can stand in a pair of slippers worked
for him by his wife, and scold her, is a brute who deserves
to have the gout in botli feet. __^_^___^

Solicitor, and set to Engross a Deed. She fills both sides of
the parchment with writing, and then crosses it.

WHY is Salmon like a Sermon 1 Because you are always
glad when it 's quite done, and you may cut away..

WEATHER PROPHECIES FOR

1870.

January will be fine and bright,
In fact quite a second summer,
unless there should be a succes-
sion of storms of either wind,
rain, or snow, or all three ac-
companied by intense cold. But
this will make no positive altera-
tion in the month itself.

February will be lovely. If it
is not, write to our Office ; any
complaint shall meet with instant
attention.

March, April, May. Prognos-
tications for theee three months
give us most favourable expec-
tations. Our readers will carefully
notice for themselves in a pocket-
book (say the most convenient
form, Pundit Pocket-Book) the
changes of temperature, and we
shall have great pleasure in com-
paring the notes so made with
our own above mentioned pro-
gnostications.

The same plan to be pursued
with the other months.

SCHOLASTIC. We know a
naughty little boy who, having
heard it said that ''history
repeats itself," pleaded this as
an excuse for his declining to
attempt the repetition of a page
or two of PISSOCK.

CAVTJON FOR COLLEGIAN*.
Oxford and Cambridge cxilti-
vate athletic sports. May the
flower of the Universities not
get plucked !

THE wretch who refuses to take
his wife to the theatre, deserves
to be made to sit out a play.

WHILE winding up your watch
at night, think of the good acts
you have done that day You
will not overwind.

"AULD EDINBRO'!"

Saxon Traveller. " THIS is TOO BAD, WAITER ! I TOLD YOU WE WANTED TO Go
HERE 's BREAKFAST NOT READY I "

Celtic Waiter. "A WEEL, SIR, FAC' 18, THE COOK TAK'S A GLESS 1

BY THE 9'30 TRAIN, ASD

THE ANTIPATHIES OF THE

GREAT.

JEREMY BENTHAM invariably
fainted at the sight of a Veteri-
nary Surgeon in evening cos-
tume. COBBETT could not sit in
the room with a French Milliner,
nor LADY JANE GREY with a Dis-
tributor of Stamps. ARCHBISHOP
TILLOTSON aflked every stranger
to whom he was introduced
whether he had any relations in
the Excise ; if the answer was
in the affirmative, the Prelate
gazed at bis chaplain, and in-
stantly went out fishing : the
cause of this singular antipathy
has never been satisfactorily ex-
plained. KIRKE WHITE would go
a mile out of his road to avoid
meeting a waggon of hay. SHERI-
DAN turned pale at the sight of
a corkscrew.

HORTICULTURAL. An old song
makes mention of a garden of
delights, under the name of
" Cupid's Garden." In Cupid's
Garden, choo.'e single flowers ;
and beware of widows' weeds.

IT is idiotic to tell a real dream.
But it is convenient to invent
one if you want to annoy any-
body, as nobody has a right tc
be offended at a dream, and
nobody can prove that you didn'i
have it.

RAlLWAYSareAristocrats. They
teach every man to know his
own Station, and to stop there.

IMPROVED FP.OMTHE LAUREATE.
" Bettor half a cab in England
than a by-Cycle in Cathay."

A WARNING TO WAOS. Respect
my intellect, and don't tell mo
that the River Plate flows with
gravy.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1870.

A PHILOSOPHER TO HIS FRIENDS. To have brandy-and-
water, you mix two things together. Very good But
never do that in argument.

No CONTRADICTION.- Can a tall man have a short memory?
us, just as a short man can have a long sleet)

"THE GAMESTER." - What an absorbing passion Is
'

POSITIVISM."

MAMMA la positive she left her
keys on the drawing-room table
only ten minutes ago. (They are
in, her pocket.)

Papa is positive there was at
least half a bottle of sherry in
the decanter at luncheon. (Tico I
glatsetanda half.)

GEOROINA is positive ERNEST
was talking to that odious KATF
HOVERINOHAM, at MRS. THUH-
OARTON'S party, for full three-
quarters of an hour. ( Ten minutes. )

ELEAHOR is positive she has
not a single dress fit to wear at
MRS. BUDBT TANKERVILLE'S lawn
party, (four, at Inut. )

And EI.IZA BETH (nursery-maid)
is positive she did not stop talking
to her " Cousin " more than ten
minutes when she was out with
Master ARTHUR in the Park.
( Three-quarters of an hour.)

LOVE IN THE PAINT-BOX.

A REMARKABLE discovery has
been made in colours. Like plants
and triangles they are found to
be susceptible of the tender
passion. Our authority for this
assertion is the following uu-
blnshing statement " Blue ix
the coldest and most retiring of
all colours: its complementary,
orange, the warmest and most
advancing." Oh, prudiah blue,
oh, forward orange !

No COSTS. If you want to en-
joy the luxury of law for nothing,
all you have to do is to prosecute
an inquiry.

AGGRAVATING. To be told,
when you are wet through, that
it is a beautiful rain and good for
the country.

POPDLAR ERROR. -The idea that the Ostrich

% ? ?T n fr m th faot ' that a bird of t h t

once seen to devour a piece of castaway bacon, which being
rusty, was described by a waggish naturalist as pig-iron

TO CORRESPONDENTS.

PMlieui.So English ABBOTT
has ever been mentioned as an
author of poems; there was a
PRIOR. Same idea, perhaps

Dcritatur. The word prognos-
tic was originally applied to the
leader of the Sect of the Gnostics,
who used to take bis followers
out with him for a pic-nie, him-
self providing the luncheon and
carrying the prog-basket. Writ-
ten in full the word was of
course, Prog-Onoitic.

Bicycle. Electric Bicycles will
appeal-in 1870. We predict thia-
don't forget.

Qoodwood. Yes, you are right.
THAT is THE HORSE WHICH WIIL
WIN THE DEKBV or 1870.

SCIENTIFIC GOSSIP.
THB Botanical Gardens in tho
Regent's Park have recently re-
ceived most valuable additions
in a pair of boot-trees and a fine
rum-shrub. Tho grand climac-
teric Is now in full perfection,
and the overland Root spreads
rapidly. Tho railway "plant"
continues to be a great attrac-
tion. Branches of the aristocracy
are frequently found In the Gar-
dens in the summer months,
with many sprigs and youthful
scions of nobility.

PROGRESS OF SCIENCE, 1869.

Hainlremr. " SHALL I-BLOW DOWN YOUR NECK BY MACHINERY, SIR?'"
** ed "'"""' trtmiti, and frefert it to the uiual mode of ventilation.

PRO Boxo There is one first-
rate joint that comes to table
which is the cockney's prime
aversion the H. bone.

WE have read " Bray a fool in
a mortar." Is this what is meant
by "Pound foolish?"

GIVE every man his due, and his
Mountain Uew if he claims it.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1870.

A FRIEND IN NEED. "Dm YOU Rmo, DUCHESS?"

REQUIRE ONE.

CULTURE FOB THE MILLION; OB, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE.

"YES THOMAS HAVE YOU sucn A THING A3 AH ENGLISH DICTIONARY?"
BUT A WHAT PARTICULAR WORD MAY YOUR GKAOE HAPPEK TO WANT ; "

' WELL, No I FIND I DON'T

NATURE AND ART.

DISPENSING with each artificial charm,
Still to delight mankind may Beauty hope ;

Yet who could hear "without profound alarm
That boastful Boauty had dispensed with eoap?

NURSERY GROUNDS. The Parks.

VERY VULGAR SELL.

" You ought not to como to our danco in boots with nails
in *em."
" I haven't."
" Then you've had your toes cut oB."

THE " TAP " ROOT. Barley.

DARBY TO JOAN.

DRINK to me only with thine eyes,
If thou, my love, should'st bilious be :

Not ouly will 't approve thee wise,
But it will leave more wine for me.

THE BATHERS' PARADISE. The Mendip Hills.

RHYMES OF THE ZODIAC.
FIRST the Sun enters ARIES. Well

he may,
Because tiiat Ram was never fed

on hay.

Now Sol's in TADRUS. Up go

shares and stocks.
Brave Bulls ! JOHN BULL shall

ne'er become JOHN Ox.

O GEMINI ! Twins, you have

Phoebus got.
Yo Dioscuri don't you find it

hott
Where art thou now, Apollo ?

List his answer.
" Ha ha ! I 'm clutched, hero, by

the Sky-crab, CANCIR."

LEO, thy sign, in British speech
the Li-m,

At this time entevtainelh Hy-
perion.

Cynthius with VIBGO for a while
doth tarry ;

Flirts with the girl he doesn't
mean to murry.

* Two HEADS ARE BETTER
THAN ONE.'' This i-> absurd, ai d
practically inconvenient. Reduce
tlii* proverb to utility. By !ip-
proxiniation, thus: What is the
next thing to a head ? A hat. If
then we caimot have he-idn, let 's
have the next thing to it, and
we obtain the result " Two
Hats are better than one."

SAVING FOR THE GEOGRAPHICAL
Soci ETY. There is an island
whose name is a negative
Ushant.

THE BACHELOR'S TOAST Large
fortunes and small waists !

A BUILDING SOCIETY. A Bec-
hivo.

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT!

(at South Ketwinglon], "EXECUTED IN TUT-T-T-T 1 LAUK A MUSSY, 'LizA ! WHAT DID THEM

FOBEIGNEttS WANT TO 'ANQ THAT POOR INNOCENT-LOOKIN* YOUNO CHEETUR' FOR ! ! ? "

RHYMES OF THE ZODIAC.

SCORPIO him now receives who

Python slew.
He killed a snake won't kill a

scorpion too.

In LIBRA while the rays of Py thius

gleam,
He causes neither Bcalo to kick

the beam.

Goat CAPRICORNITS holds the

source of light;
Let Taffy twang his harp on

Snowdon'a height

Lo! Deliua dotu with SAGIT-
TARIUS dwell :

Remember Robin Hood, and
William Tell.

AQUARIUS offers Titan's steeds

the can ;
Tom Tug was quite another

Waterman.

'Tween PISCES, lastly, Day 'slight

chariot rolls :
The Sun will never fry his Pair of

Soles.

JUVENILEINTELLIGENCE. Ath-
lctiC sports are ah" the rage now
in our nursery, and MASTER
TOMMY, aged si x, is about to start
a newspaper in order to report
them. We believe he means to
christen it l "The Skipping Gazette."

A GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT. A
young visitor from the Havannuh
imturally expected a fino cigar
when ho was told of the Tower
"REGALIA."

A SUITABLE APPOINTMENT. If
the right man were always in the
right place, the Chaplain-General
to the Army would be the " Dean
of Battle."

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1870.

"FINE ART," 1869.

Rural Connoisseur. " HE'S A P'INTIN* Two PICTUR'S AT ONCE, D' YEE SEE? 'BLEST IF I DON'T LIKE THAT THERE LITTLE 'UN AS HE'S OPT nia THUMB THROUGH, THE BEST!'

HINTS TO TOURISTS.

WHEN you aro late for dinner at a table
d'hote, bo sura you make your entry with
all the noise you can, in order to disturb
more punctual people. Growl and grum-
ble savagely if your soup be getting cold,
or if, when helped to chicken, you only
find t'io drumstick. The fault, of course,
will have been in a chief degree your
own, and the dinner perhaps better than
you get at your own table. Hut you
should never lose a chanco of making a
complaint, that your neighbours may
Imagine you are some one of importance.

If you have been educated in a puMic
school, nnd know nothing of language 1 !* ,
except a few Greek paradigms and Litin
nonsenfo verses, never bore yourself by
trying to pick up French or German.
Talk English on the Continent with a
slightly foreign accent, which, yon know,
is certain to make it more intelligible.
When people cannot understand you,
raise your voice us though you fancied
they were deaf, and vent some Saxon ex-
pletive upon them for their ignorance.

THE Telegraph, which is to be univer-
sal, is difficult of explanation to some
ladies. Perhaps this way is the best.
" You know that if you rub a piece of
sealing-wax hard, it will take up little
bits of paper," " Yes." '* Well, extend
the principle, and you will see how
letters are conveyed by electricity."

" THKRE aro times," said the pensive
ALPHONSO, "at which I am quite inca-
pable of writing poetry." "Ah," said the
cynical BILL, "those, then, are the times
at which you write verso."

FACT FOR FOREIGNERS. Stonehenge is
not in Flintshire. Hech I no, nor yet m
Peebles.

AN AsraiNE SAW." In for a penny,
in for a pound " as the donkey said
when he went astray.

JONES reads and yawns. Bo best. 'Tis

not polite.
But we should do the same if JONES

should write.

WHILE man talks of revising the Mar-
riage Service, practical woman has done
it. en bine. You are married by your
banker's book.

PROOF POSITIVE.

Old Lady. "Do THEY SELL GOOD 'SPERRITS'AT THIS 'OuaE, MISTER T"
'Spectable-looJcing Man (But], " iloa 1 D'scHlD'tv, LOOK 'T (me) HE, 31 AD' M FUR
SHEV'N P'NSU A'PENNY 1 1"

THE ANTIPATHIES OF THE GREAT.

FREDERICK THE GREAT had three par-
ticular dislikes pease -pudding, a blue
pocket-handkerchief with yellow spots,
and bell-ropes. SIR ISAAC NEWTON never
crossed the threshold of a house in which
white mice were kept. BURKE secreted
himself in the adjoining mews if parsnips
appeared on the dinner-table, having a
rooted aversion to this esculent. QUEEN
ANNE became hysterical at the slightest
allusion to a toasting-fork. CARDINAL
WOLSEV shivered all over whenever he
passed a brush-maker's shop. The scent
of Russia leather threw MARY, Queen of
Scots, Into a tertian ague. If a naval
officer placed a German flute on the side-
board, GRIMALDI immediately left town
for Brighton ; and to this day thousands
of persons go into a passion at the sound
of a street-organ.

TO EDITORS AND COMMENTATORS.

IT is generally supposed that there U
no mention of tobacco in SHAKKPF.AHE.
But can any one doubt to what he 1*
referring when ho says (in one of his
sonnets)

" And keep invention In a noted weed T "
Barely he must mean improvements in
the manufacture of cigar*.

SAYINGS AND PROVERBS.

" Not for Joxtphv* ! " as that worthy
historian observed playfully, when some
funny Jews attempted to cram him with
stories for his own work.

" I'll have your Hat ! " as the ambitious
Monk said sotto voce to the Cardinal.

ROBINSON says that he cannot express
in words the pity he feels for the man
who does not drink his best wine, but
keeps it for his friends. ROBINSON for-
gives a woman for being such a slave to
her drawing-room that she is afraid to
use it, but a man should not be in awe of
his cellar.

COMPANION Siox TO THE " WELSH
HARP." The "Scotch Fiddle."

" SOUND DUM." Fees to Opera box-
keepers.

PUNCH'S ALMA

O COME UNTO TK

A FEW .4

BE cont
lot, especial
auction.

Avoid dis|
a wrangler,
bridge.

The dark<
rule) is just'
lighted.

You cann
money ; you
a mother-in-

Keep you
your carriage

Misers arc
civility costs

Never lose
or an umbra

Be satisfiei
they are ; tal
the crumb.

If you ai
office, be I
events iu lea

Tailors, h
butchers, b
Civil Service
fail you, but
will help yot

SENSE AN)

He. A lilt

In a I

She. For Stl
nc

He. Ka ca

She. A ho

Both. With i

He. And
A hoi

She. Chang<
by t

He. Far,.
She. But nes
Both. When

MRS. JINGLETON, LEARNING THAT YOUNG M'SKIRLYGY

WHOSE FAMILY SHE RECEIVED sucn POLITKNESS WHEN SHE WAS IN THE HIGHLANDS) WAS IN Tows, AND HAVING HEAKD so iircn OF HIS PLAYING, ASKS HIM TO ONE <
HER LITTLE PARTIES FOR CLASSICAL Music, AND HOPES HE WILL ' OBLIGE' DURING THE EVENING. HA ! HA I SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ms INSTRUMENT WAS !

NOTE ON TI

VEMBER. B

Show may 1
geous specl
gorgeous ia t
Banquet.

!K FOE 1870.

YELLOW SANDS."

losiers ;
.nkt'i-s ;
ill may
tmakcr

UENT.

oot,
lc, but

fttoi.
ffhton,
view
ng tea.

* f

week,
\ van :
arm,
ires,
happy
-can.

ar No-

[ayor'g
agor-
. moro
[ayor's

IXCESUA8 DIDICISSE FIDEL1TEK AUTE3, &c., to.-Kntmald.

CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; OR, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE.

' THE PERSPECTIVE or THE Chiaroituro is DIVISE. AUOUSTCS.
Ittlll TOO Piaicato > "

BCT, On ! THE Impatto, is IT KOT A

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1870.

CULTURE FOB THE MILLION; OK, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE.

SWEETNESS AND LIGHT. Colter. "ANY SPABROWG I BEO PARDON ASPARAOUS, COOK?"

HISTORICAL. The Non-Juror8 were persona who, on ac-
count of ago and some other disability, were excused from
.serving on juries.

OVERLANDISH. By what route the Mother of a Family
should go to India cannot for a moment be a matter of
doubt Ma Saiis, of courso !

A WORD OF CHEER. Would you keep out of trouble ?
Then persevere in active industry. Put your shoulder to
the wheel, and you will never have to set your feet on it.

HINTS TO TOURISTS.

IF you are put with a friend in a double-
bedded room, hear in mind that inside
walls are only lath and plaster, and that
every word you say will be heard in the
next room. Therefore carry on your con-
versation at the tip-top of your voice,
and make as much noise as you can in
packing, and in splashing, and in stump-
ing round your room.

Always give to beggars who waylay
you on the road, and if you know their
language, accompany your Rift with a
little stagy speech to the effect that all
we English have more money than, we
know ho-w to spend, and it is our duty
when we travel to succour the distressed.
This will mightily encourage the impos-
tors in their trade, and engender a great
nu:s.mce fur t<mrUta who are poorer or
less foolish than yourself.

PRIZE CONUNDRUM.

Mr First is my second,
M v Second's my first ;
My Third's my beat rockon'd,

My Fourth is my worst.
My Who'e is a Something, but what I

can't tell,

Because if I did, why then you'd know
as well.

** Aiitwer next year.

MUSING FOR THE MONTH. In August
remember the Grotto when you are out
of Town, and bo thankful that you have
no gutter-children getting in your way.
He that ate the first Oyster was hungry ;
the taw fays, bold But to beard the
lion in Ins den is one thing; the oyster
in his shell, another.

' I LIKE to read epigrams against us
women," said MRS. CLEVER. "When a
culprit clanks his chains you know that
they are on him. "

STRVY PARENTS. Lost children are to
be fuund in most large cities, but in
P.iri* there arc also lost fathers (English)
for whom a place seems to be specially
provided, called the Salic des Pas perdus

AT THE "ZOO."

Languid Swell. " CURASSOW is IT ? BAAI JOVE ! THEN I S'POSE THE OTHER 's THE AW-

Mara&chino ! "

HOUSEHOLD RECIPES.

To Destroy Black Beetles, Turn a pack
of fox-hounds into the kitchen.

To Cure Smoky Chimneys. Discontinue
fires.

To get Rid of Ghosts. Use disinfecting
fluid copiously.

To Expel Dry-Rot. Soak the places af-
fected with the finest dry sherry.

To get the Servants up early in the
Jl/onun^, Send them to bed early at
night.

To Revive the Fire, Tie up the front-
door knocker in a white kid glove.

To prevent the Beer going too Fast.
Possess the key to the mystery.

To avoid Draughts. Don't take any.

To destroy Moths. Collect butterflies.

How to keep Plate cle an. Wrapped up
in silver paper.

How to dispose of Old Newspapers. T?ut
them into the brown study.

A CAROL BY A CYNIC.
O RF.ST you, merry gentlemen,

Let nothing you dismay ;
But mind you have your purses full,

Your Christmas bills to pay.
And mind you do not feast too much

On jovial Christmas cheer :
Or else of gout you '11 get a touch.

To gladden the New Year.

AN OUT IN AUGUST.
THE harvest 's housed ; the farmers

dance ; the millers shout " Hooray ! "
The bakers an excursion take, aud go to

Alum Bay.

HUSBANDS are always thinking about
money. Wives never ask for it at all.
They are quite content with a cheque,
dear humble things.

THE LILY OF THE "VALET." The flower
in your *' man's " coat.

ALLUDING to chignons, MRS. CLEVER
said "A girl, now, seems all head?"
" Yes, till you talk to ber," replied MK.
CLEVER.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1870.

Youngett Daughter. (Didn't they hare fun in Switzerland thit year .')

OTTB HOLIDAYS.

" OH ! FLORY, EMILY, 'MA ! HERE'S ONE OK THOSE DEAB ABTISTS SKETCHING o THE 'PLACE.' Lrr's GO AND LOOK

OVER HIM, AND SEE WHAT HE '8 DoiNQ ! "

THE PLIGHTED ONE.

You ask IQQ if I lovo you,
And I cannot answer, " Yes ! "

Tho* there 'a none I hold above you,
And my heart 'a in sore distress.

Thero are words one cannot utter,
And a ' ( yes " is one of those ?

Yet it is not that I stutter,
Or speak slightly through the noso.

I can vow that I adore you,
With my truest, fondest breath ;

But the lisp you 've heard before, you
Will allow, can say but " Yeth 1"

BROWN came homo with a black eye.
To his wife's inquiries ho replied, that,
having asked himself a question, he re-
ceived such a saucy answer that he had
been obliged to resent it. His wife did
not believe him, and got a new dress that
week.

WHAT NEXT? Tho Ingenuity of our
great agricultural implement makers is
extraordinary. One of them has lately
invented a machine for sowing wild oats,
which Is expected to have an immense
sale.

MEDIEVAL PAINTING ox VELLUM.
JULIA, aged 50, rouged.

A BAUBEL has more brains than a
booby who dyea his beard. Tho fool
duos, the fish doesn't.

ZOOLOGICAL.^ ttory that lays hold of
you. A prehensile tail.

THE MOST DETESTABLE OP THE MORN-
ING CALLS. " Hot Water, Sir ! "

No OFFENCE. As a rule crime is to be
discouraged, but a comic writer should do
his utmost to provoke iiian't laughter.

WHEN a vulgar husband drops his H's,
a good wife drops her eyes.

Tut: ANGLE OF INCIDENCE. When
you 'ro fishing, and tumble into the
water.

NIGHT AND DAY. Our bill-sticker is so
devoted to his profession that he always
sleeps in a four-poster.

A BAND OF HOPE. A Submarine
Cable.

BUT IT WAS ONLY LITTLE TYMPNEY MAKING UP
ENOUGH MONEY TO TAKE HIM

HIS ACCOUNTS, AND CALCULATING IF HE *D

BACK TO BEDFORD Row 1

AX IDYLL.

IN the month of January.

First I met my darling MABY.

In the month of Febru-erry,

Then I met her down in Derry.

Once again in month of March,

Met her at tbe Marble Arch.

Met her in the month of April,

Gono to Bangor to eseajte Uhyl.

Met her once again in .May,

Sitting calmly at the play.

Met her yet once more in June,

Where tho Park-band plays a tuno.

Then I met her in July,

Richmond Hill, and no one by.

Met her vet once more in August,

When it blew a nasty raw gust,

Did I meet her in September?

Did I T well, I don't remember.

Then I met her in October,

Spoke to her in sadness sober.

'* No " comes natural in A r ovember,

Quenched was Cupid's Hiek'ring ember.

Never met again. December

Of a Club I 'm now a member.

NOTICE TO TUB TRUSTEES. In the De-
partment of Natural History at the
British Museum there is a serious defici-
ency. There are nn.sU of nil s^rts ami
tizcs, birds* nests, wasps' nests, &c. ; but
not a single specimen of a mare's nest.
This is a great disappointment to country
visitors.

To PARF.NTS AND GUARDIANS. If you
teach children Natural History in tho
Zoological Gardens, teach it to them cor-
rectly. For example : you should im-
press on their youthful minds that the
bears climbing up fur buns in the pit
are Polar Bears.

AN EARLY LUXURY. The Celts were
much farther advanced in civilisation
than is commonly supposed. They in-
vented Ccltzer water.

How TO KNOW THEM. As a rule
Bankers' Clerks may be distinguished by
their wearing trousers with checks.

"THE NEW BATH GUIDE." A Pam-
phlet on the Turkish system.

A TICKLISH POSITION. Standing upon
Trifles.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1870.

CULTURE FOB THE MILLION; OB, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE.

ART im/W STVTRS. CTr. "Sit Sn ! Mndmitn, SI-SAN ! Jfftttuoio. JIM ! Sen mareato il basso, MR. RAFFLES '. Bravi tutli ! Itacapn'"

THE LATE GALES, 1869.

STEMP;B AND VIBNISH ON THE YORKSHIRE COAST. THEY WORKED ALL THROUGH THE STOEMY WEATHER. HERE'S STEMPEK TRYING TO FIND A SMALL WATER-COLOUR DRAWING

AND A SABLE BRUSH, OUT OF ABOUT HALF AN ACRE OF SEA-SUDS !

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1870.

THE FIRST OF OCTOBER. A "WARM CORNER" FOR JONES.

Jona. " I SAY, BROWN ! UANO IT, YEH KNOW !. Tou NEARLY SHOT MY HEAD OFF THAT TIME ! "
mrn (mho has bagged Jones's bird into the bargain], " WHY DIDN'T YOU duck, YOU FOOL? "

"WARE HOUNDS!"

LATEST INTENTION or OCR NOBLE MASTER FOR THE PROTECTION or HIS PACK AGAINST " THE FIELD.'

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1870.

CULTURE FOB THE MILLION; OB, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE.

REPRESSION OF HABITUAL CRIME.-*. A. 1 (to Solent C?*.^ *- * HE < BEEN AND Dor WHY, HE 's BEEN AND DROPPED AN ]

13 TOTA

"THE NOBMAL DIAPASON!"

First Citizen (Returning from Dinner-Part y). " HULLO, GKOCNDERJIY, 'a THAT YOU? GOOD GRACIOUS ! ABE von MAD!?"

SwowJ (huskily). " ALL RIGHT, OLD FELLOW 1 TACT is, I 'VE OOT TO Siso ' ui Scifpno ' AT OCR CONCERT, AND YOU KXOW WITH THE PRESENT HIGH 1 rcn, MY Low

ALLY INEFFECTIVE UNLESS I 'VE A SLIGHT COLD 1 1 "

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1871.

January xxxi Days.

February xxviii Days

March xxxi Days.

I'.ir.i: , ,

Columbu

& Mytw
*3 Ti. Coptrnic. d
M|W Q.Vict b.
WTI.iVlU). b.

KbK Aun...u
*7'S ff.Z*.
J8, I Whit tt>.n
Whit Jlon

S .

M II I.. ,.,!,
.... In 1'tt.Alir* b.
ifl tV C

August xxxi Days,

September xxx Days.

9 WP.tr.rchd

Virgioidi ll JO|ri,.M.r, ( , rf i
Pti. Hfl.m 1\ V [R llurnid

A1|r.iirai [ J3,S :skeirhleyb
J4 M (; ltpril | , k r n .

li.nk. d.

H S-. .f l>. iS r,, Su J, m ^

n. M.T'I.W '

..f O..III.D j; ri, ii. i ,

-' K K.)lH>.p

p un-irci
t( K .\i P..
'IS 'Lion Ikn. -| fl

October xxxi Days.

December xxxi Days,

FM i; Jy j .;

I'u & C:bbr d. 8

dc Lucy Lay K ;suffr.i

M *salii fs^ft

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1871.

Host (Self-made Man). " I ASSURE YOU, B

Artist (awfully bored). " OH DON'T APOLO

NEEDN'T TFLI, 'EM WHO I AM, YOU KNOW ! ! "

THE atTIP MODEST.

Ttonww THFRF ISN'T A MAN AS YOU 'VE BEEN DININ' WITH TO-DAY AS ISN'T WUTH ms HEIGHTY OR 'UND'ERD THOUSAN IUND ! !
LOGS'I BEG! I oot'T MIND 'EM ! INDIFFERENT HONEST I DARE SAY, SOME OF 'EM! SEEM GOOD JUDGES ^g^gj-p^

THE CENSUS (ARITHMETICAL PROGRESSION.)

WHAT DO YOU INTEND TO BE 'THIS' TIME, MARIA? LAST TIME, YOU WERE THIRTY-' ONE,' AND THIRTY THE- TIME BEFORE ! '
' TELL THE TRUTH, DEAR THIRTY-TWO. HEIGHO ! How TIME FLIES ! "

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1871.

1. Or

WHAT WE WANT IN OUR POLICEMEN^

to t Cos , VER9AT '<"'.-If you arc at a loss for something
2l5 i? trong-rmiHlcd woman, take an opportunity of
skmgherwbyan ironclad alongside of a wiSen frigate
reminds one of man and wife 1 Suppose she replies that
ean teU her-Because th'e woo'd^

MONTHLY MEMORANDA.

January 7. At 6'19 day breaks
Ton cannot mend it.

ft&nwy 15 the Moon and
Saturn an in conjunction. Co-
jiulutivo ur disjunctive? ZAD-
Kitt, perhaps, will answer this
question. He ought to know the
grammar of Astro].

Ffimtary 28. Last day of hare-
hunting. All tho hares next day
g<i mad with joy

"<"'<* IFeast of St. David.
Welsh rabbit and leak eating
begins. The Cambria may hap-
pen to spring a leak in i

M,n-ck 17. St. Patrick'
Irishmen wo.ir i-hain.riK.-k. It
Is tho only sham in old Ireland

flit Immortal First of A,, f ,l
All Pool's Day. Now mako pm-
nim.'i of Marriage. Now accent
Trust* and liills. Now conclude
IroitioswHh. Foreign Powers

On the 10(* of April Science
lost GAY LUSSAC. Ho was a
Chemist, and not a Man about
lown.

.""</ 29. Restoration of Kixo
CBABLB it. YOU can't U1 , lko
cider out of oak-apples

Jane 21 .The longest day. No
real night unless you make a
night ol it; and then you mav
require "pick-me-up" next
morning.

/' 15.-Foast of St. Swithin.
M> hko this saint best with-
out his nimbut. Ho is hil.l t,,
be the patron of cats and dogs

July 31. Parliament drawinjr
toaclose. About this timr ivally
dates the Massacre of the Inno-
cenu.

Auffutt 12. Grouse shooting
commences. Government insti-
tutes a trial of breech-loaders

Septemter 1. St. 1'artridge:
Bn-d and Martyr.

ADDRESS TO THE MOON.
THY face is gibbous, Moon. And canst thou shine?
Ah, what if ETHEL'S cheek should grow like thine !

THE RAY SOCIETY." The Photographic.

A MEAN AVERAGE

POPULAR MISSTATEMENT. Christmas comes but once a
year, say tho unthinking. Tha 25th of December comeS
only once a year, if you like. But the Clu-Stina. PaS
mimes are usually played till nearly Easter, and merry
Christmas very often returns, with a bitter East wind li
the midst of merry May.

October 26. Feast of bt. Cris-
pin. All soles.

The Ninth of November Is the
Lord Mayor's Day. It is either
foggy or fair. In tho former
case it may remind his Lordship
of thick turtle in tho latter of
clear.

Clt ritCmat Politieg. Parliament
is divided into parties, and Pri-
vate Bills aro Introduced into the
House.

FANTASIA ON ALL FOOLef
DAY.

THE true Philosopher, at ease re-

clined,
Soars to tho stars and contem-

plates bis kind.
Alike to him the gems and gold

of Kings,
The Knave of Diamonds, and

Saturn's Rings,
He sees through smoko the wholo

pf Nature's plan,
Menuros tho myriapoda with

SI 111 ;
Considers how gigantic cranes

aro fed,
And can-ins the cosmogony to bed.

BY SPIRIT POST." Stone walls
do not a prison miko" Then
what do? Perhaps the shade of
MR. RICHARD LOVELACK will
sttisfy a turnkey's mind by
return.

A QCERV "Twas caviare to
tho General." Hamlet. Has it
teen discovered who was the
< i.'iirr.il officer referred to by
SHAKSPEAKE?

How TO CURE THE VAPOURS
(HOM030PATHICALLT). Take a
'

MuTTO FOR THE ABROXAUTICAL

SOCIETY. " Pennit non bo-mini -
datit." Horace.

PUJNCil b AliMAlNAUK .DUll

"AS WELL AS CAN BE EXPECTED."

Honey Pariih Doctor (late for the Meet}. "WELL, MOTHER, AND HOW'S TOUR DAUGHTER, AND THE BABBY POORLY, EH? AH, WELL, GIVE

PAP, AND I'LL LOOK IN TO-MORROW."

HIM A PINCH o' BRIMSTONE IN HIS

MATER BULKY FILIA BULKIOR.

Mamma

amma (Ixi.) "THAT is MY PORTRAIT, DR. BRIEFLY; IT WAS PAINTED EICIHTEEN TEARS AGO WE THINK IT VERY LIKE DEAR EMILY, HKRE.
WHY, IT a THE VERY Image OF HER ! " SAYS THE YOUNG DOCTOR, AGHAST, AND HE MENTALLY RESOLVES THAT HE WILL " NOT " PROPOSE re

FOR DEAR EMILY, AFTER ALL.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1871.

THE RESTRAINTS OF SOCIETY.

Jt'.vtnilt Bohemian. " 'HATE aois" OCT TO TEA ! 'HAVE TO BE GOOD SUCH A PRECIOUS T.o\o TIME ! !

A SONG FOR SPRING.
(By a Man of Fttltng.)

How cheerful along the gay meads
The primrose and daisy nppe.tr I

And while on lamb cutlet ho feeds,
Man is glad that the Springtime is here !

MAXIM FOE MAXXLAND. " The proper study of mankind
it Man."

EXPERIENCE TEACHES. A bachelor friend compares a
shirt button to life, because it so often hangs by a thread.

PROVERBIAL FALLACY. Waste not, want not Bosh. One
may never waste a candle's end, and yet want a thousand
a year.

A SONG FOR SUMMER.
(By a Rural Philotoplter.)

'Tis street the lazy hours to slay,
lie-dining 'mid the new-mown hay :
'Tis sweet to smoke the pensive pipe.
And think that strawberries are ripe.

THE LANGUAGE OF
FLOWERS.

JANUARY. Now flowers the
Christmas Rose, otherwise called
the Black Hellebore, Htllebonu
tfiper. " Calumny." Just so. It
is not of that colour; nothing
eo much like a nigger as a G>:d
Black Rose.

FrimrAKv. First, up peeps
the Snowdrop, then the Crocus.
Snowdrop, "Refinement." Cro-
nn, "Abuse not." Omnibus
Conductor* and Cabmen, stick
them in your button-holes.

MAUCH. The Anemone blooms.
It is the emblem of "Sickness."
N.U. Ancniune means AViud
i'l.iwi r.

APKIL. In meadows you may
now cull the Cardaniine, or
Cuckoo Flower, Kignifying " Pa-
ternal Error. " lint it'is no fault
of the cock Cuckuo that the hen
lays her e^s in another bird's
nest I'!UL'C this tliiwer. dears,
on the bre ikfast table fur Papa
to see when ho comes down
laic after h iving dined out.

M\y.-The Hawthorn puts
forth its blossoms. "Hope."'
Brides, twine Hawthorn bloom
with your Orange Flowers.

JrNK. Kylaiitine "Poetry "
Rca<l Dn. WATTS.

JULY. Cabbage Eofe" Am-
bassador of Love." Employ a
Solicitor.

AUGUST. Clematis " Mental
Boaiity." Offer it to a strong-
minded woman.

SEPTEMBER. Now, in showery
weather, you mav tet the accu-
racy of the "Shepherd's Ba-
rometer," Pimpernel. "Change."'
"Assignation." Return the
letters of your old love, and
advertise fora new.

OCTOBER. For some time after

Michaelmas you can gather the
Michaelmas Daisy " Cheerful-
ness in Old Age." Make a chap-
let of it for your grumbling old
Uncle.

NOVEMBER. The month -for
Chrysanthemums. Red, " I
love." White, " Truth." Yellow,
" Slighted Love." Weave the
three into a garland for a Philo-
sopher who has been jilted.

DECFUBER. Holly mean*
" Foresight" Mistletjo," Obsta-
cles to be overcome." Surmount
Mistletoe with Holly.

I 'LL

uhisptr to him.) '
SIXTH-MONTHLY ! 1'

TERRIBLE SITUATION.

INTRODUCE YOU TO A CHARMIXO FARTHER MR. TRIMMLES. Miss MCDDLEWORTH." (In a
So CLEVER ! WROTE THAT CAPITAL ARTICLE o.x SPONTASEOCS CEREBROSITY is THE LAST

ECCLESIASTICAL PROPRIETIES.
"I am," said a reverend Rector
of the old school to n Ritualist
Curate, " martyr to the Gout."
" Pardon me. my dear Sir," re-
plied the latter, " happily you
still survive. You should not
call yourself, a Martyr, but a Con-
fessor."

TIRMNO THE TABLES. In the
present age of enlightenment
and economy billiard tables are
manufactured to serve as dining-
tables also. If you happen to hit
down as a guest at one of these,
remember the good old injunc-
tion Eat all, but pocket none.

NAVAL INTELLIGENCE. Land-
lubbers may be informed that
the nautical experiment of Box-
lug the Compass is usually at-
tempted upon the Spar deck.

A POOR PERFORMER. In the

' of birds the domestic

fowl plays but a humble p:nt

only supplying the drum sticks.

PROVERB FOR A SHOWER.
Hah! a parasol is better than
no umbrella.

VOLUMES OF SMOKE. rrorn a
Library on Fire.

SEASONABLE ADVICE.
(Sy a Vomestk Economiit.)

If vour rooms are only largo enough to accommodate a
score whf n you give a ball be careful to invite at least a hun-
dred ' At the same time only order suppor for a. score, for jcople
who are squeezed to death cau hardly have much appeuie.

Let your children form a tasting committee of the sweets, ere
they are placed upon the table. Dirty little finger-marks are
sure to prove deterrent to the hunger of your guests, and your
family next day will be a g.incr by their abstinence.

In order to 3:cm hospitable, walk about the supper-room with
a bottle of Champagne, and challenge friends to drink with you,
telling them, in a stage whisper, that it only cost you eighteeu-
pence a bottle.

When you give a dinner-party, hire the smallest glasses that
you can procure, and direct your waiters to put plenty of ice in

Never encourage arguments before you join the ladies, for
guing induces thirst, and thirst is far from economical.
Hire your waiters upon terms that shall induce them to tout

your guests for fees, and thus make them leavj your house

with small wish to revisit it.

If conversation flags, beg somebody or other to oblige you wit'
a song. This will be quite certain to set every one off talking,
and prevent their thinking of the bad dinner you have giveiii
them. __

MEMORABLE EVENT IN MAY. On the 20th of this merrjjj
month the First NAPOLEON was compelled to raise the siege ofl
Acre by the renowned Sm SIDNEY SMITH. This chivalrous SIONEIT
may be called the British Cid.

No FABLE. ^Esop had a remarkably wide gullet. Ever sinca
his time that part of the human frame lias beeu called the Eso-
phagus.

ONE OF THE OFFICIALS AT THE ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS HAS A BEWILDERING NIGHTMARE. HE DREAMS '

PRIZE CALENDAR. Warranted not to cor

JANUARY.

1. Old May Day.

2. Lots of things.

3. Lots more.

4. 5, 6, 7. Holidays in the City for any-

body who likes to take them.

8. Trout-fishing commences in the Ser-

pentine.

9. Hair-bnishing begins.

10. Christmas bills fall due.

11. Pie-nic on London Bridge by the old

Scholars of Greenwich Hospital.

Traffic permitting.
12, 13, 14. Lovely weather, if fine.
15, 16. Rag Fair held at the Rag this year.

17. Festival of the Great Grandsons of the

Clergy celebrated by the Fathers of
the Church.

18. A very Remarkable Day.

19. A Dey observed by the Algerlnes.

20. First appearance of the Great Comet ;

not absolutely impossible.

21. Mr. Jones born (1820). Nothing after

this, except

22. Fireworks.

FEBRUARY.

1. Fishing for compliments commences.

2. Only comes once a year.

4. Anniversary.

5, 6, 7, 8. Half-holidays in the City.

Members of the Stock Exchange can
take which half they like. Tickets
issued at the Monument.
9, 10. Review of the Lords of the

Admiralty by the Elder Brethren of
Trinity House.

11. Dance of Veterinary Surgeons in

Guildhall.

12. Croquet match in Lincoln's-Inn-

fields.

13. A Moveable Feast. On table at 7'30.

punctually off at 10.

14. Exportation of Coals to Newcastle,

from Paul's Wharf. King Colo's Day.

15. A most Extraordinary Day.

20. New Moon, if the old one 's finished.

21. Mr. Smith born. (1821.)

22. Nothing more to the end of the

month.

MARCH.

1. He comes in like a Lion.

2. Public Games in Leicester Square.

3. Installation of the Chancellor of Ox-

ford, if necessary.
4 Great Tooth-drawing Match for 20

a side, by members of the Royal

Academy.
5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Nothing doing. Luncheon

every day at the same hour.

11. A Moveable Feast. Dinner at 7 '30 to

the minute.

12. Ramadan observed by the Turks.

(Poor fellows !)

13. 14, 15. Oysters taken by the dozen to

spend a happy day at HosherviUe.
10. A Wonderful Day.

17. Fair Day.

18. Day after the Fair.

19. Holiday all over the country, if per-

mitted.

20. Mr. Brown born. Rejoicings.

21, Reaction after recent excitement.

The other days of the mouth can be
omitted, if requisite.
31. Ho goes out like a Lamb.
APRIL.

1. Old Michaelmas Day.

2, 8, 4, 5. All on the same day.

6. Race of Wild Horses in Rotten Row.

7. Annual May Fair Day.

8. Moveable Feast. Supper put off till

to-morrow.

9. Lobsters' Lady Day.

10, 11, -12, 13, 14, 15, 16. The middle of
next week.

17. Very likely an earthquake. Listen.

18. Holiday at the Turkish Baths. Full

Dress.

19. A most Remarkable Day. You '11 see.
2<\ Eclipse : perhaps.

21. Mr. Robinson born.

%* The celebrated Robinson year.
Nothing after this.

MAY.

1. Fix-hunting commences.

2. And continues.

3. 4, 5, 6, 7. Rejoicings.

8, 9, 10, 11, 12. Depression.

13. Fireworks.

14. Deputation from the Zoological Gar-

dens, mounted on animal*, waits
upon the Lord Mayor.

15. 10, 17, 18, 19. Preparations every-

where for the Great Holiday on the
21st.

20. Final Preparations.

21. MB. SMITH, JUN., BORN. Fireworks

to the end of the mouth.

JUNE.

1. Great Hen Day. Ceremony of laying

the first egg in state.

2, 3, 4. Turtle Match for 50 aside be-

tween two Aldermen of the City of
London. The winner to be elected
Lord Mayor for next year.
5, C, 7. Dance of Detectives in Scotland
Yard. Bagpipe accompaniment.

8. Washing the London statues. Gene-

ral Holiday.

9. Membersof Parliament football match

and hurdle races in the New Cut,
Lambeth. Circus performances in
the evening.
10, 11, 12. Snuff-taking begins.

13. Grotto Day. Commemoration in the

Shell-donian Theatre. Oxford.

14. Several eclipses invisible everywhere.

15. Remarkable Day.

1 6. Queer Day.

17. Good Day.

13. How d'ye do to-day 1

10. Half Holiday.

20. Half Holiday.

21. Whole Holiday.

22. Rejoicings till tho end of the month.

JULY.

1. First of December. Old Style.

2, 3. Racing in sacks from Cornhill to

Temple Bar by everybody who likes.

4, 5, 8. Holiday a

7. Illuminations

ticular.

8. All theatres (

public, 5 A.M,

9. Balloon ascent

10. Fireworks.

11. Exhibition ol

Popular Prea

12. 13, 14, 15. DM

London Brid,

16. Old Guy Fav

remember th

17. Cambridge Te

18. Very Remark*

19. Very Queer D:

20. Holiday Prcpi

National Fct

21. Great Nation!

born.

22. Fireworks till

1. Visit evcrybod

2. Opera opens.

every hour.

3. B;illet in the

tho Peace So

4. Longest day a

5. Old Derby Da;
C. Old New Year

some places.

7. Thames Eml

quite done.

8. Cambridge Te

9. Curious Day.

iCK FOR 1871.

WHERE TIIKV OUGHT TO GO.

Oi'R Fireman to Berne.

Our Brushmaker to Cuntn.

Our Sausajjcman t" r.tU:>tH Stret.t.

Our Iliiusu-il'i^ to lurking.

Our I'apenoaker to lllicitus.

Our Drunkard to Dropmorc.

Our Angler to Worms.

Our Spiritualist to Scilly.

i hir Forger to Sbammoncy.

Our Undertaker to Uury.

NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE.

I NEVER kneiv a pla'u rnok \\io wa.i not a gaudy dresser.

I nrv,T IOMW * Gockmy gat the worst i>f it at KM, without
Ilia to linn mo In: nuvrr f>-:t s.i well in all liis life.

I in in taw tliu ]i.irtr.iif of a Dcrbv Winner that could not
1~- mistaken fur a dozi n I In/fore had seen.

I iirvi-r .iaw an Al.i.-rni.m :H a lent of Vegetarians.

I never saw a sailor carrying an umbrella, or a pair of spec-
tacles in uso by a chiinney-sweop.

INSTRUMENTS or TOHTUKE Bad pianos.

ANECDOTE. "Come, girls," said our jolly old aunt, "about

this (Vniux. We are always hearing of 'united axes.' I t
u.f club our years. 1 'II put ia r.2, mid yu four shall put in 20
I'.iiOi. Then we shall all tic uin|. r yr." The girls nearly kissed
h. r "M lie i.l ..II tot 1* i I'lacity.

" BAI.I. IIOOM might borrow a hint from those mercantile
ehajis." said, pensively, young HAIIDK:ANI-I i:. ' When one tikes
i , liability .should be limitciL D.uice with her, but n.<t
bound to take her to supper."

IT h been observed that poultry fanciers are subject to an

unpleasant dc'ect a cook lu ih.'ir eye.

rHTMARE.

IE ANIMALS HAVE BROKEN LOOSE AND SWAPPED HEADS, AND HE DOESN'T KNOW " WHICH TO FEED WITH WHAT."

single item of trustworthy information.

ate.

in par-
tis to the
I'e.

Fabrics by
ishrooms off

* to

of July, Sc.

r tlio Great
mil] i, jun.,
the month.

*s nut.
vf. .finances
free.
members of

ill Palace.
Still kept in
finished, if
thing.

10. A Remarkable Day: all after this

arc succeeding Days : good Days
for Speculations.

11. Shooting for Nuts by members of the

Gun Club.

12. Great Skating Match for 100 a side,

on the Ornamental Water, Green
Park. Weather permitting.

13. Horse Show at Horsemongcr Gaol.
14, 15, 10. 17, IS, 19. No days: all longest

nights.

20. Brown born. Festivities and illumi-
nations till the end of the month.

SEPTEMBER.

1. Vaccination fcratis) at Nelson's Monu-

ment. Trafaltf.ir Square.

2. OM Midsummer Day.

3. Cambridge Term meets the Oxford

Term. Dinner in honour of tho
occasion.

4. Even of Odd Day.

5. Odd Day.

(i. Volunteer Review (put off indefi-
nitely).

7. Otter-hunting in Piccadilly.

8. Ci.nccrt Festival. Singing in tho

Ears.

9. Hockey on tho loo, as usual, by torch-

light

10. Grand Day at the Ladies' Exchange

Column.

11, 1-2. 13. General Holiday at tho Mint.

Readings from tho works of Charles
Lamb given gratis.

14. Balloon ascents by Missionaries :

after a collection.

15, 10. Procession of Her Majesty's Minis-
ters carrying tho annual Cabinet
Pudding in state to Buckingham
Palace.

17. Irish Landlord Shooting commences.

15. Degree of L.L. conferred on Mr.

Kinahnn by Dublin University.

19. Rejoicings in anticipation of to-

morrow.

20. Smith born. Gala days and rcjnttas

to the end of the month.
OCTOBER.

1. Balloon Ascents. Experiments with

Barrels of Gunpowder in tho Air.
Holiday at the Crystal Palace.

2. Nightingales heard for the first time

in Bond Street.

3. London shuts up. everybody worth

speaking of, or to, being now cleared
out. The inhabitants, nowcver, are
allowed their harmless recreations,
as duck-hunting, pelting organists,
attending debiting societies, mak-
ing excursions to Hieks's Hall to
see how it formerly stood, and send-
ing halfpenny cards.
NOVEMBER.

1. Political Meetings Spending in Tra-

falgar Square by the Fountains.

2. Possible rain of meteors certain rain

of cats and dogs.

3. Archery Fetes commence, President,

the Head Master of Harrow. First
Meeting in Bow Street.

5. Hanwell Holidays commence.

0. Cambridge Term divides in the

Senate House, and Is lost on tho

division.

7. Ceremony of Spinning tho Top of the

Monument.

8. Day for Scouring Hyde Park by

Volunteers.

9. Great Game at Nurr and Spell.

Colours to be obtained at Lambeth
Palace. Place of meeting secrot
till the night before.

10. Police " receive information."

11. Police will consider tho information

received.
12 Police will determine to act upon it

13. Police will proceed to act upon it.

14. Police will find that culprit bolted on

the 9th.

15. Police interchange compliments on

their intelligence and efficiency, and
wait for more information.

10. Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race, if
it hasn't come off before this.

17, 18, 19. Great Billiard Match between
the Canons of St. Paul's and West-
minster.

20. Rat Hunting commences.

21, Si. Old Dog Days.

23. Smith born. Rejoicings to end of
the month.

DECEMBER.

1, 2, 3. Swimming Matches in Coldbath
Fields. Humane Society in attend-
ance on their own Drags.

4, S, 6. Old Longest Days.

Cambridge and Oxford Terms join In

the middle.
Sermon* gratis from the Cross of St.

Paul's.
Anniversary of tho Invasion of the

Thames Tunnel.

Inspection of Bullet Drosses, previous
to production of Pantomimes by tho
Officers of tho Lord Chamberlain's
Office, and the Middlesex Magis-
trates. It will take place on the
outskirts of tho Metropolis.
Brll-ringing Match round the Squares
of London. Open to all boys under
thirteen. Run away kuock Spurts
to follow.

Skittle-playing at private parties.
Meeting!* by Moonlight alone, and
Grand International Cat Show on
the Tiles, FInsbury Pavement
Prize Barrister Show, Temple Bar.
Great Sale at the United Service Shop-
keepers' Company, Limited : Yachts
of over ten tons only admitted.
18, 19. Holidays at the Bank. Trea-
sury open gratis to all comers. No
Police.
Jones born. Fireworks and Bonfires

to the end of tho Year.
The Lost Day of the Year. It is cus-
tomary to spend it in making good
resolutions for the next, but this
ceremony may be dispensed with by
licence, to bo obtained from your
wife, or anybody else, who knows
your real character.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1871.

SUGGESTIONS FOR AERIAL NAVIGATION.

FKOM THE "SociiiK DES VOLOVOLA.UVENTS" (YOLO VOLARK-! WILL FLY ; VENTPM-WIND OE NO WIND)

SEEING WUAT Sruxnios CLIMATE, TRAINING, c., HAVE DON* FOR THE EQUINE BREED, WHY BHODLD NOT THE SAME INFLUENCES BE BROUGHT TO BEAR. ON POWERFUL BIRDS
OF PBEY t THE Bituxa ITSELF WIQUT BE MADE OF SUCH -A SHAPE AS TO OFFER A Mimuuit or BESISTAMCE TO THE AIK.

TAKE AN INDIA RCBBP.B COAT, TIE IT AT THE NKCK, WHISTS AND ANKIJS, AND TORN OM

THK U*3 KUOM y.ilill OWN BUHNER. THEN PiDfLB ABOVT THE ROOM WITH FANS.

ARNESS AN UNLIMITED NTMIIEII oy I'K:I:O!;S TO osi: K:;I> OF yov-R CAP, AND

A HAWK TO THE OTIIEE, ASD LEAVE EVERYTHING TO APPETITE AND 1'EAK.

Pur o A TAIL COAT, STAND ON THE ROOF, DRAW TODR BREATH AND WAVE YOUR HANDS GENTLY up AND DOWN FOB A FEW GENERATIONS. BY AN EXTENSION OF MB. DARWIN'S

THEORY YOU WILL GRADUALLY FIT YOURSELF FOR INDEPENDENT YoLITATION. (THIS PLAN REQUIRES MUCH PATIENCE AND SELF-DENIAL.)

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1871.

THE ROYAL BLANKSHIRE HUSSARS (YEOMANRY). "INSPECTION PARADE."

TrBEx_ljf_axTs DRAA-A-. MIND THEE BK-.^T^DRAA-A.-^ BUT WHEN I p- SATE SOUARDS.-WHIP 'EM OUT SHEART AND DRESS cp' T'GI-TTER."

RECREATION FOB THE SCHOOL OK DESIGN. A Game of

Elgin Marbles.

WHAT A SISTEB SAVS: Brothers are bothers.

VULGAR ERROR. It is commonly said that any stick will
do to beat a dog. No. A stick of sealing-wax won't.

THE FARMER'S PARADISE. The Island of Muck.

An OLIVE BRANCH FROM THE VATICAN. The POPE ecudi
Us Prizo Bull to the Islington Cattle Show.

A SWELL SAINT. St. Martin-le-Grond.

JOTTINGS BY A TOUBIST.

Amlorer. Properly Handover,
but the first settlers were careless
of their h's.

J.W-cio ((.Pastry, rolls, ic., in
perfection.

Banvury.-- Cakes and Cross both
wo. th a pilgrimage ; t hed tears over
the latter, thinking of my child-
hood.

Jteaunuirij. Slightly corrupted.
The founder, like Beau NASH, I!u:m
URUMMEI., &c , was commonly
known as Beau MORRIS.

Becerley. Called after tha cele-
brated Scene pamtnr.

BrUperl.SeiJlj Bridcport, ha-
ving onco been a f ivourito retreat
for thu newly-married.

istnrk rill lloaJ. Kvidently some
mistake here ; mifrht to bo either
Black Draught, or liluo Pill Road.

Jlri'ili'iidt. What a delightful
place to live in ! Should never have
the blues a^aiu ; everything would
be coulfttr de rote.

Broadetair*.-~ On tho contrary,
those I went up and down were
unusually narrow, otherwise I
should have recommended this
place to persons afflicted with fat.

.Biiral Itlard. -Not a sign of a
conflagration to be seen.

Cirencfster. Another instance of
corruption It ought to be Siren-
cester. One was living hero as
recently as tho Middle Ages.

Clock- Face. Sot my watch by it ;
inhabitants all up to the time of day.

Coventry. Tho inhabitants were
obliging enough to point out seve-
ral individuals who had been sent
there. They all wore green spec-
tacles.

Eawluh. 1 should say Dawdlish.

Town of Deal. All the houses
built of timber.

A FABLE WITHOUT WORDS.

(THE RAT, THE CAT, AND THE CAQED OWL AT THE ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.)

Denmark Hill. Misplaced ; ought
to be In Copenhagen Fields.
Veicibury. Very damp.
Dollar. Americans very partial
to it.

Dunning. To be most carefully
avoided.

Eye. Full of oculist*.
Fighting Cotlci. Shocked at this ;
bad hoped all such cruel wports were
extinct.

Johnshaven. And very nico and
clean he looked.

JUddermimter. A great take in
not a vestige of a Cathedral to bo
seen.

Kittybrevster. Much disappoint-
ed ; could not seo her anywhere,
high or low.

MarlborviigK. A chalky noil
Mui$elburgh. Had some for slip-
pervery good.

Kmtyle. Not an old list to b
seen ; very much ashamed of mine.
Parunutoan. The process of dis-
establishment most difficult here.
Pembroke. Bought a table.
.Poof*. Played a Game.
Reading. Studious placo
Rye. Bread excellent.
Sandvich. Luncheon ditto.
Scarborough. NoScavtobe seen
Steel-port. No Cattle being
shipped or unshipped ; no haven
in sight

Svanua. Se, but no Swans.
Yarmouth. The leading inhabi-
tants are known as tho bloatered
aristocracy.

PROVERBIAL BOSH. It is tald
that "tho weakest goes to tho
wall." Ho is much more likely
to b pushed into the gutter.
.

FIXED AND SHOOTING STARS.
The Pointers of the Great Bear.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1871.

A STROKE OF BUSINESS.

EMer (or rather Greengrocer from round th, Corner). "IF AT ANY TIME, MOM, TOU BHOITLD REQUIRE MY SEKVICES-IF YOU'LL TAKE MY CABD, MUM, AT SEVEN AND Six THE

EVENINO MOST 'APPY AT ANY TIME WHAT NAME, MUM ;

A SONG FOR AUTUMN.

(By a Pensive Poet )
SEE the Sportsmen, gun in hand,
Stalking o'er the stubbly land ;
eo the birds they aim to slay,
And think how nice to eat are they.

NOTES OF A NATURALIST.

CLANDESTINE marriages are the
rule amongst the cryptogamoua
plants.

The most remarkable instance
of a hj brid animal is the cricket-
bat.

The guinea-pig is not worth a
guinea at the present day.

Is your dog too noisy ? Try
and cure him horace ipathically,
by administering a dose of bark.
Of all the birds the chaffinch
possesses the greatest powers of
banter.

The best place in all London for
rabbits is the Borough.

You may safely take a bull by
the horn-, if they are tipped.

An appropriate present for a
Zoologist would be a bunch of
seals.

The goat-sucker, when hard
pressed, has been known to make
shift with a kid glore.

In his Anecdotes of Dogs JESSE
has omitted to mention the in-
f-tauce of the polite dog, which
bit a piece out and replaced it.

The camel is said to have
pcvcral stomachs. Let us hope
the cimel is not troubled with
indigestion. It would be too
horrible.

Black Shoep have been seen in
the Zoological Gardens.

Live oysters " bred upon tiles."
What b ard fare for the poor
natives ! It is a wonder they
survive 1 it.

The book worm has been known
to live to a great age.

VERY DIFFERENT THINGS.
HUNTERSON admits his ignorance
of the precise meaning of a"purl-
ing brook :" butsays he can speak
from experience as to what a
" purl" over a brook is.

OUTRAGE ON GOLDSMITH.
(By a Sleepy Housemaid, concerning Missus.')
SHE rings us up at 7, till 10 she lies
" More bent to raise the wretched, than to rise."

ALMANACK NOTE FOR ANY DATE. Star Shooting begins.

A SONG FOR WINTER.

(By a Jolly Gardener.)
rains and winds descend and roar,
All outdoor planting now is o'er ;
But indoors we may still be jolly,
And in the pudding plant the holly.

FESTIVITIES OF THE SEASON.

Mrs. Smith (to Mr. S., who lias just arrived home at 2'30 A.M.). " WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SIR, BY COMING HOME

IN SUCH A STATE AT THIS UNTIMELY IIOUR?"

Mr. S. (decidedly "fresh"). "S-S-BH-SHTATE ! TIMELY HOUR! En! (After a pause, with intense dignity)

FORSHINATE FOR YOU, MA-RAM, FlUES* TOOK MR BRI *SH MUSHKUM {Aie> AN* IF WE HADN'T COME OUT ( FOBE

LASHT ACT PAN'OMIME 'SHOULDN' A' BEEN HOME FOR VERY CONSUI'RABLE " (hie).

WANT OF TACT.

REMARKING to afat man," May
your shadow never be less ! "

Saying to a friend , whose
nasal organ is not conspicuous
for beauty, that something is as
plain as the nose on his face.

Asking a deaf man whether he
hears good accounts from his son.

A LAST ATTEMPT.

WHY is a jibbing horse like a
very hizy artist ?

Because, however much you
coax him, you find that he won't
draw.

THE RESULTS OF DISSIPATION.
A rumour is afloat that the
man who dived into futurity
came up drowned in tears, and
has since been in the depths of
despair. He is now better, having
dipped into a book.

ADVICE GRATIS. Do you ob-
ject to tlm extraordinary pro-
ceedings of the Ritualists? Go
to evensong : there can be
nothing odd there.

AN OMISSION OF THE POET'S.
COWPER speaks of " the hubbliug
and loud-hissing urn.** The same
little machine, when it won't
either bubble or hiss, may be
described as tacit-urn.

PHYSIOGNOMICAL. LAVATER
could always tell whether a man
was a miser, by the way in
which he pursed up his mouth.

A PARDONAHLE REMARK. The
wife of an Opera Dancer pre-
sented him with twins. Every-
body, of course, said that he was
a Pa de deux.

11 FRIENDS AT A PINCH."

Snuff-boxes and tight-lacing.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOB 1871.

RULES AND REGULATIONS
For the Proposed Iriih Exhibition ofPortrailt to be held

in Dublin.

Rule I. That all tho Portraits shall lx> likenesses.
Rule II. That in tho ovent of there being no original to

any one picture, tho artist shall find one at his own expense.

Rule III. That in order to avoid the groat fault of the
London Royal Academy, all the pictures shall bo huns In a
line.

Rule IV. That the Exhibition shall be open on the 1st of
April, and remain so ; but no one admitted after that.

CONVERSE OF 8HAKSPEARE.
Juliet ((07.) that I were that veal upon that fork.
That then those lips might touch me !

PROSPEROUS GALES. Trade winds.

MACHIAVELLIAN A.

TRUST nobody that you need not. Never quarrel with
anyone who can injure you. Never abuse anybody
behind his back without a purpose. Virtue is its own re-
ward, if you are good for nothing. Never revenge yourself

for the mere sake of vengeance ; it is sentimental and may-
be injudicious. Never defer till to-morrow that which
you can do to-day, but always defer making any paymentyou
can evade tine die. If you wish to li ve beyond your income,
pay your tradesmen by turns. Pay each of them as soon as
ho threatensto County-Court you, not later, lest ho should

be as bad as hia word ; for then you would have to pa v hi*
bill, and costs besides.

A DAILY OCCURRENCE. That must be a curious pheno-
menon to watch a house changing hands.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1871.

\ 1 / ~~ s

HJNCH^ALMANACK FOR 1872.

MUSIC AT HOME

STUDY or AN AJUTEUB Come SI-MFR

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FORJL872.

SIGNS OF THE MODERN ZODIAC.

ARIKS tlio RAM, is an iron steamboat,
Able to sink any ship that 'B afloat.
T \riT-i the BUM., is one JOHN of that name ;
Uuce ho was savage, but now ho is tame.

GFMINI male, are tho TWINS Siamese :
Two-Loaded Nightingale's Gtmina she s.

CANCER'S the CRAB caught by some of a

Nevcr'Star, either the "Light" or "Dark
Blue."

Li-o 'S the Old British LION, who keeps
Watch with tho Unicorn. Sometimes he

sleeps.

Vine." the VJUOIN, a Chignon do'h wear.
How cau a true maid appear in false haivl

LIBRA 's the BALANCE ; your stars you may
If you have always got one at your Bank.
SCORPIO, the SCORPION, 's a Critic, who

N t'with tail's point; pen and ink are tho
things.

SAGITTARIVS. the ARCIUR, now Bows aro
exploded ,

By Gunpowder, shoots with a Rifle, breech-
loaded.

CAPRICORNUS, the GOAT, here below, BUNO
combines

With the Compasses, twofold, for one of t
Signs.

AQUARII-S, the WATERMAN, what shall denote ?

The Badge that he '11 win when he wins
DOGUETT'S Coat.

PISCES, tho FISHES of Fishes that be,

Are Salmon, at home both in river and sea.

INTERNATIONAL.

EVES in words tho English wife's affection
shows superior to tho French wife s. Ih
Litter says. " my friend,' that is he loves
her But the former says, my dear, that
is, she loves him. Bless the English wives-
ai'id I he French ones.

MISPRINTED MoRAL.-Dclight a father by
praise of his daughter's beauty ; a mother by
praise of her son's brains ; the reverse prac-
toc , is unsafe if the father is an author, and
the mother has been a beauty.

M IRCH 1 FEAST OF ST. DAVID. Leeks and
touted cheese Eistedfodd at PfgntwddUrn.
Bard WILHAMS recites an epitaph which he
has composed on Ms countryman, MB. MoR
CAN. A traveller (London commercial) .pre-
sent cal's it an Epi-Taffy.

MIHPIUNTF.D MORAL. Despise all little-
ness, including little acts of kindness.

QUERY FOR CEREMONIALISTS. When a left-
handed lady is married, ought not the Ring
to be placed on the right fourth finger I

THREATENED CONFLAGRATION. The River
Police have detected a man trying to set tho
Thames on fire. He was caught flagraatc
ddicto.

MISPRINTED MORAL. Let your charity
cover offences as your carpet on a wet nigh
covers tho mud on your doorstep ; that your
friends may not appear discreditably.

SENTIMKST FOR JANUARY -May the frost
of Indifference never congeal tho stream of
Benevolence !

SENTIMENT FOR FEBRUARY. May wo look
before we Leap !

JANUARY.
Happy ThougU (for New Year's D a y\ Take a holiday, ?aid

FEBRUARY.
.- Buy Valentines. Bend 'em. This

mr,*.-* Hare hunting end,"
SUth. Hap f II novght.-' md a. W.

MARCH.

25th. Quartor-Dar- tta -VW r'>!7 ; <<-- Not ^ tcmo to an ?
"9th. Happy Z7.oiwM.-Thc only Good day in the year-

Oood Fridiy. .

THE PEACE of WESTPHALIA. Sending your enemy a Hani.

THE LAUNDRESS'S PARADISE. Washington

THE HUSTINO SEASON. Leap Year,

Cootf

THE RULING PASSION.

(cm.teMBdi.vM. "P^ ^ B *^^4^^^S^S, 1 S^r ?> ASD W ULD " ATHER S P! "

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1872.

FAVOURITE AUTHORS.

The Wic Man's
Tho Fishmonger".-*

The Knt<>mol"tfiHt'ri
Tin; Quaker'* .

Tho llllinilLTlT's

The (,'ahman's .
The Schoolmaster 1 *
The Sttineinasun's
'I'll'- ! '-nitman'M
The Centenarian's
The Soldier's
The Pout's ;
The DiK-tnr's
Tin; F.n^ine driver's
Tho Poulterer's
Tin; Datuly'a
Nobody's
Everybody's

I.K SAW:.

Cit.MiiiK, SPRAT, and

WlNCKEI.MA.NN.

WORMITO.

ItK Til"!*. |

Ml'I.I.F.R.

VoilURE.

BIRCH.

I'lilU'UYKV.

I/AIIHK L\ PLCCHE.
MACROI

M \uriAL.

KYMFU.

AKCNSIDE and STEELE.

, IK-UK and HARE.
. BMABT.
, I)r.VB.

Punch.'

AX AUTHOR'.S P.S.

Do not think that my Recording Angul sot
n precedent in blotting out that record wjth

a tear. He has sinn- U.u^ht spectacles,
which prevent his \,-.ir.< fr.,m falling tluwu,
and wluVh enable him t write even inoru
legibly. LAWK KsrK Si I:HNE.

MISPRINT MOKAI.. A good memory is
a tfond tiling. A puod forutfulness some-
times a better. A pti<r ]iot received a
bank-note the day after he had declared at
dinner that ho could not remember the
source of a line a rich guest was unable to
trace. Yet the lino was the wise poet's own.

A Civic DREAM. An Alderman of London
went to sleep, and dreamt that Le had been
made Lord Mayor and knighted. His Wor-
ship hivl eaten more than was good for him
nt supper, and had the Nightmare.

"ouns."

OUR Gardener wears his hat in a Rakish
manner.

< ur <'<arhii);m pri'irs himself on his erect
bearing his <';irri;i^i; is perfect.

Our K'totm'iiA tastes are inartful he loves
the smell of Powder.

Our Hutlcr can di> th<i Rottlc-tiick.

Our (irufiin hrw a II -rse-lan^h.

Our Dairy-maid will have her own Whey.

Our Miller is Mealy-mouthed.

Our Milkman Skims the paper.

Our Butcher has settled a handsome
Jointure '^11 his -Imtfhter.

Our Waiter is the Coming Man.

APRIL.

1st Happy 7Y<oi'.'//tf. Provide 6-r a rairy
l.y. ;"upt< ray rut nod my. "Beg pardon,

1 think you 'vegut my umWlla." Rut he,' tluin
dispute the point, he i sure to give it you.

3rd. Ilttjwt/ Thnvyht. " liivi'k-nds due at
ti-e Hank." (Vill and nsk fur some.

29th. Happy Thought (far nri.iy month).
"Society 01 (Ca^r-t'oLurs opens."

VULGAR ERROR. Some people are strangely
wont to confound the followers of MAHOMKT
with those of CANON KINOHLET. As though
they imagined that the Mussulm-ns were
professors of Muscular Christianity, they call
them Musclemen.

DESPERATE ATTEMPT. A memlwr of the
Stock Exchange declared that he could not
live in Suffolk. Asked why, he said ho was
sure ho should die of suffocation.

SENTIMENT FOR MARCH. May the School
Boards advance the March of Intellect !

SENTIMENT TOR APRIL. May there be no

fools but on the First r

DR. WATTS QUOTED TO A MASCULINE FFMALE CNEROETIC
ABOUT THK Ui'iUi^ OF \VoMtN, " How I wonder what
you are I "

Ox A "Boors" AT A HOTEL. He does not shine him-
self, but he is the cause of brilliancy in others.

IMPENDING CHANGE. When the Teetotallers ffet the
upper hand, they intend to reform the Zodiac. With ita
objectionable Si^ns the Ram, the Bull, the Lion, ic.
they consider that it has far too much of a Public-bou&o
aspect. Aquarius will, of course, be retained* ou the esta-
blishment.

EXPRESSIVE LINE.

" And wail'd about with mews."

Tennyton.

EVIDENTLY, the Poet Laureate, at *me tirao or other, has
lived in a neighbourhood infested with cats.

MUSIC AT HOME.

Mrt. Lyons Chacer. " How Crud or YOU TO GET up so SCDDEXLY, DEAR Mn. RDMBELTCMSKI ! Is ANYTHING WRONG WITH THE PIAKO?'
Her/- Jtumbeltitmski (icith pardonable stvtrity). "No, 51ATAM, BUT 1 vos AVRAID DAT I INDERRUBTED DE 02i*EAAL GOSFERZATION 1 ''
Mrs. Lyont Cltacer. " O DEAR NO ! NOT AT ALL ! ! Pray oxj ON ! ! : "

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1872.

NEW PATENTS.

Foit improvements in the process of con-
densing tho milk of human kindness.

For improvements in the ream of Society.

For impruvementrt ".n the Essence of Polite-
ness.

Fora Machine for putting on Great Coats.

For improvements in Wedding Breakfasts.

For the conversion of Great Bores into
Small Bores.

For the more economical use of Red Tape.

For improvements in Spinning Yarns.

For a machine for Testing Friendship.

For improvements ill the manufacture of
London Sausages.

For a Noiselcsi Uaby.

CUPIU AND VULCAN.
LOVE laughs at locksmiths, till Love's

passion

Is locked in matrimonial fashion,
By wedlock-smiths ; to wit, they aro
The Parson and the Registrar.

A "PENNY READING."

THE copper coin, tho Penny, can bo traced
bick to a period lost in tho remote ages of
antiquity. When that groat soldier and
traveller, ODYSSECS, whose name wo have
Anglicised into ULYSSES, returned home,
alter many years' absence in foreign coxm-
tries to tho family residence iu Ithaca, ho
surprised his faithful wife lost in a reverie
over her unfinished worsted work, and said,
with a good-humoured smile on his weather-
beaten countenance, "A Penny for your
thoughts, my love."

MISPRINTED MORAL, Never express much
gratitude for a favour ; its motive may have
not been a good ono, and you may oe re-
warding hypocrisy.

NATIONAL GAMES.

ENGLAND Commerce.
Ireland Shindy.
S.;'t 1; Hid Hop-Scotch.
France Bagatelle.
Germany Soldiers.
Italy Magic Music.
States of the Church Pope,
Spain Dominoes.
Russia Snow-balL
Poland Patience.
Greece Marbles.
America Brag.
Turkey Hunt the Slipper.
Egypt Pyramids.
Lapland Cat's Cradlo.

IMAGINARY CONVERSATION.

Smith. I pay, BROWS, old boy, whyis your
pretty sister like that ormolu timepiece ?

Brown. Don't you be impudent.

Sinith. Not a bit. I 'm complimentary.
You sec it is because she is an objtt de looka.

[Pokes poor BROWN in the waistcoat, (i/ij
exit, grinning.

MISPRINTED MORAL. Never forgive a
friend who has wronged you ; your persis-
tent hate is a graceful compliment, showing
that you had fully valued him.

A CAPEFUL Country Gentleman refused to
let his Gardener plant three Green-gage
trees, because ho had an objection to any
viore-gages on the estate.

HISTORICAL CONVERSION. Clpvis, first of
that name, King of Franco, is celebrated
for his conversion, A.D. 490, to Christianity.
It may be observed that he was previously
a Pagan. There is no reason even for the
supposition that old CLOVJS was of Jewish
origin.

MAY.

13th. Happy Ttought. Old May-Day. Keep it, Anti-
quarian Society probably keeps it. Join them at dinner.
31st "Sun nscs, 3n. 51m.,a.m." Happy Thought. I don't.

SENTIMENT FOK MAY. May May be May I

ASTRONOMICAL ERROR. It is commonly supposed that
there Is but one Dog Star ; answers to the name of Kirius.
Yet the Great Bear has two Pointers. Still, the Constella-
tion, Ursa Major, does not consist of Shooting Stars.

PROVERBIAL LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. Onion is Strength.

MISPRINTED MORAL. It is friendship's sacred duty to
give bad wine to friends who love drink, as you may holp
to cure them of the vice.

IN-DOOR AMUSEMENT FOR OLD PEOPLE. Tho Game of
Croakey.

A TREACHEROUS CONFEDERATE.

Uncle Oi,oi-f}e (icho hat been amusing the Young People with some clever Conjuring). "Now, LADIRS AND GENTLEMEN, YOU BAW MB BURN" THE HANDKERCHIEF. WOULD you BK
SURPRISED TO FIND (Roars of Laughter] I SHALL PRODUCE TUB ORANGE OUR YOUNG FRIEND HERE WAS so OBLIGING AS TO OFFER TO TAKE CARE OF, AND INSIDE WHICH, I P VE NO

DOUBT, WE SHALL FlND THE SHILLING?!"

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1872.

SIIAKSPEAHK MIS-READINGS.

(SuggeiUd by a Scon or to of Commentators.)

1. "The NOKO by any other name would
arut-H as sweet." Romeo.

2. "At least we'll die with horn-its <>n
our bucks." Afac&llA,

J. " What dreams may come must t(ivo u.s
p.iws." Hamlet.

4. " It were unmannerly to tako thee out,
and not to CUKH thee." Henry VIII.

5. "See what a rent the envious (
paid." Jutii'.s Caaar.

JUNK.

24th. Midsummer Day. Happy Thought.
Not at home. Leave word "Shan't bo back
for week*." _^_^^_

BAD ADVICE. " Take care of your cold,"
say well-meaning 1 , but unthinking, friends.
They had far butter say "Take care, and
get rid of your cold."

CAIIBOX.VCKOI'S. All the world knows that
two of our great* st legal lumiiiarios aro COKK
an 1 Ut.AfKSTONK. To assist the memory,
young students might be encouraged to call
thorn Cuko and Coal.

SOMETHINO FOR THE BRITISH ASSOCIATION.

Of all men of science Geologists display the
greatest energy and perseverance, for they
leave no stono unturned to accomplish their
object.

ETYMOLOGICAL. The science which treats
of tooth is known as Odontology. " !
don't, OJ" is heard too often in a Dentist's
room to admit of any doubt as to the correct
derivation of this jaw-breaking word.

NATURAL HISTORY. Ornithologists have
noticed that there are no birds so bold and
brave as partridges and pheasants, for they
invariably " die game."

A LITTLE OPERA.
CViortw.

LET us sing at the beginning :
liappy folks aro always singing 1 .
Enter Lover.

Their song would make me glad
If I were not so sad.

Enter Villain.
Dark is thy brow,

But twenty to one
'Twill be darker, I trow,
Before I have done.

Enter Maiden.
I see Aim hero.

I see him. there.
Him I hold dear,
For him don't care.

Lover to l'illai<i.
Take your choice, pretty lady.

>'or doubt must go by.
One of us must wed you,
The other must die.

Mai<l< it.

It seems to me uncommon hard
To bo of other choice debarred.

Chorus,

Yes, with a hundred swains in view,
Do not restrict her choice to two.

Villain.

There's sense in that, as you '11 agree,
The thought had not occurred to me.

Lover .

They put it in a proper light.
And thus we too escape a fight.

Trio. What joy, what joy,

When logic reigns !
And folks employ,
Their little brains.

Turn.

The lady is free, and the lovers forgive,
And wo '11 all be so happy as long as we live.
Curtain.

ADVICE TO SPORTSMKN. In March keep your dogs caro-
fully in kennel ; at least take caro that none of them run
out into the fields. Any hare that goes mad in March will
ily at any dog ho sees, and. should ho bito him, tho dog is
euro to bo seized with hydrophobia.

MODERN PAGANISM. "Sacrificing to the Graces."

SKNTIUENT FOR JUNE. May the sunshine of Serenity gild
the Cottage Orn^e of Content !

MISPRINTED MORAL. Mend tho world rather than
selfishly think more of mending thyself.

MISPRINTED MORAL. Confer benefits ungraciously, and
they will the longer abide in the memory of the receiver.

THE BIRTHDAY OF HARVEY will, if not this year, perhaps
some other, lie the occasion whereon will be unveiled a
Testimonial to the illustrious HARVEY, tho discoverer of
the Circulation of tho Wood. Largest Circulation in tho
World.

A MEASURE OF CAPACITY. The skull.

THE RULING PASSION.

Mr. Snoblty ChotMton. " SEE iiv DISTINGOISHED FOREIGN FRIEKH, MY LOUD! Hit's AS PROCD OF ALL THOSE CROSSES AND MEDALS A3 A8 A
Lord Alt/mum Fitzratl (aside). "As you ARS OF GETTING ME TO COME AND DINE WITH YOU, Ma. SNOULEY."

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1872.

THE LANGUAGE OF FRUITS.
APPLE . . Diacord.

Pcar

Flum .

Pino

Goosebeiry

Medlar .

Service

Eidcr-ljorry

1'itf

Sloe .

Cr.ib

Date .

Hip

Haw .

rhuitain

Pomegranate

Prune

Marriage.
Wealth.

LangulBbment.

Simplicity.

Interference.

Assistance.

Seniority.

Defiance.

Tardiness.

Boer Temper.

Chronology.

Applause.

Swells.

Growth.

Secdiness.

Retrenchment.

SIGNS OF A SEVERE WINTER IS

LONDON.
EARLY departure of Swallows from Swallow

Poofs C< >rner covered with Rime.
Wild ducks on the Stock Exchange.
Coals raised.

MISPRINTED MORAL. Rive y>ur eyes more
holid i.vs than your tongue, as they are more
delicate thing-*.

PLEASE THE PHIS. We should like to have
Mn. DARWIN'S opinion as t the changes a
fellow-creature must have g-me thnmirh. who
makes no secret of being a " Porkman ! "

MISPRINTED MORAL. He that can keep
his carriage is -better than he that can keep
his temper.

NEW POEM BY A FASHIONABLE LADY.
" The Lovea of Bonnets ! "

' PERFECT QI-IET. The Still Room.

NAUTICAL MANOEUVRES.
(Described by a Landlubber.)

SAILING IN THE WINU'K EYE. In order
to accomplish this difficult mai.uiuvre, you
must first ff all discover where the wind's
eye is, and then, if it lie pr.ct. cable, you
may proceed to sail in it. It is presumed
for'thiM purpose that tho wind's eye is a
" liquid " one.

HUGGING THE SHORE. When you desire
to hug tliO shore, you first of all must land
on it. Then take fcomo sand and bhinnle in
your arms, and give- it H good hug. In doing
this, however, lie careful in) one seen you,
or the result of t'-e manfcuuvro may be a
strait-waistcoat.

WKARISH A SHIP. This it is by no moans
an easy thirg to do, and it is difficult to
suggest what will make it easier. Wearing
a chignon is preposterous enough, but when
a man is told that he m"st wear a ship, lie
would next expect to ho-i- that he must eat
the Monument.

BOXINO THE COMPASS. Assume a fighting
attitude, mid hit llie compass a "smart
stinger ou the dial-pUte," as the sporting
papers call it. But before you do so. you
hud best tike c ire to have your boxing gloves
on, or you may hurt your fingers.

WHISTLING FOR A WIND. When you whistle
for a wind, you should choose an :iir appro-
priate, such as " Blmc, ijentle gala," or
" Winds, gently whirper."

REKKISO THE LEE-SCUPPERS. First get
upon a reef, and then put your lee-scuppers
on it. The manoeuvre is so simple, that no
more need be said of it.

SPLICING THE MAIN-BRACE. When your
main-brace comes in pieces, get a needle
and thread and splice it. If it be your cus-
tom to wear a pair of braces, you first must
ascertain which of them is your main one.

3rd.

JULY.

ays begin." Happy Thought. Muzzles.

SPORTING ANECDOTE. A Boy and his Uncle go out at
Christmas to shoot. Boy : " I suppose, Uncle, I may pop at
anything I see." Uncle : Yes, my boy, firo at nearly any-
thing. As the Ghost in Hamlet says, ' Murder most fowl.' "

PICTURE IN A PORK-SHOP WINDOW.

TENDER Suckling,

Than rof.st Duckling
Plummier, tig, tig, tig !

Dear little Baby,

Sweet little Baby,
Nice little Baby Pig !

SENTIMENT FOR JULY. May the Whitebait never desert
the shores of Britain !

MISPRINTED MORAL. A noble spirit despises second-
hand things, and refuses to learn from the experience of
others.

THE SMOKER'a FAVOURITE AIR. "11 Cig'retto" (DONI-
ZETTI).

MUSIC AT HOME.

LADY Q.DIVA NEWDHDRST SIN-OS A LITTLE SONG ABOUT " WINGS ! WINGS!" IN WHICH SHE EXPRESSES HER PASSIONATE LONGING FOR THOSE AIDS TO LOCOMOTION. MRS. HONORIA
GRUNDY ^STANDING JVST BEHIND) THINKS HER LADYSHIP'S MODEST WISH SHOULD BE GRANTED FORTHWITH, IF ONLY FOR THF. SAKE OF HER SHOULDERS.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1872.

QUEER QUERIES.

CAX a bill of exchange nuule payable at
sight, be drawn UJKHI a blind man?

When an actor is saM to "carry the house
v.ith hitu," is it meant that bo travels with
a portable theatre ?

Why cannot a man propose "the toast of
the cv.nin;;" without regretting that it bad
not lx;en placed in abler iu.llda?

Would you consider it an act of superfluity
if \ou saw a diimney-iweep having his bout.
bteekwtf

llav..- you over known a Vegetarian attain
a ' green old age ?"

If exposure to tlio weather (fives your wile
a cidn chill, rro you not iu duty bound to
give her a chinchilla?

HUNTING SONQ.
(Ta bt Suny ><* Hie llauiuli meet at Culnry

Hatch ur ItatiVtlt.)
TANTIVY ! Anchovy ! Tantara !
The moon is up. the moon Is up,

Thu larks begin to fly,
And like a scarh t buttercup

Aurora gilds the sky.
Then let us all a-huntilig go,

Come, sound the gay French horn,
And chase th.; spidoi-s to and fro,

Amid tlio sian lifg corn.
Tantivy ! Allchovy ! Tautara !

Mi-ruiNTKi> MURAL. Tho very height of
delicacy and hospitality is never t.) ask to
dinner any one who cannot well afford to a.sk
V' a^u'n ; you neither leave him under
.tion, nor incite him to extravagance.
Poor folks cannot see this, yet it is not for
want of stein;; that rich folks understand it.

Fry BY A FOOL. Buffoon (to Porttr riinjiait
Rittliraii Hell). Don't ye! I say, you'll
frighten the Kngino.

nY AN ENRAGED PATKH-KAMILIAS.

I'm I.D a woman give the coals of a fire as
clever a poke :i-s she tan give to the feelings
of a frieod, there would bo less pmoke in
the drawing room.

WOMEN delight In Mythological exl:
They are always eltherlovlx - mnabodywitb
an A, because he is an Ang'-l. or hating liim
with a X. because he is a X tmiel. Now we
li i. a neither Angels nor /.amiels.

THE "LOAK" EXIIIDITION.

THE following effigies will be .shown at the
Loan Collection :

The Turkish I.om, in full imif irm.

Thu S]>anif.h Loan, after a cri-is.

Loans of all Nations Chilian. Peruvian, 4c.

Loans at Sixty per Cent., dre sed in l/ir.
Suits.

The National Debt, a group of several
figures.

ANECDOTE BY IZAAK WALTON. Ono Pis-

cator, whom I will not fuvtht r n inu-, had a
certain ac'|uaiiitmc 3 who through t .e credit
hi- hid gotten by his wealth, worth, and wit,
cauje to bo made a ma-i .Inti 1 . \Vljere poll
1'iscat' r goes me to ttie river avd catcllfs a
tish, which having brought home, he sends
t' the new iL-ade Justice with a nute, Haying",
" Inas::.uch, Sir, xs you ar* ir w promot* d to
the condition of a licuk, I dj scud you a
Perch."

BETTER TIMFS. When Woman comes into
her lights, "The Ladies" will disappear
from the list of to;ists at publie dioners. and
bu roplacod by "Tho Qtutlemcii," a Iwly
responding.

MISPRINTED MORAL. Laugh heartily a
your friend's dull joko. You i lease him, and
oncour.ige him to try it again, when you will
he avenged on him.

AUGUST.

18th. "Grouse-shooting begins." Happy nought. Write
to Irien'is in Che North.

PoAUHtn's PKOVEHD. Make hay while the moon shines.

APPEAL BY AN ASS.
SAY, thou who stridest on my back,
Why call me Noddy, if I 'm Jack ?
By a niekname woulds't thou provoke
The temper of thy patient Moke?

MISPRINTED MORAL. Never see point in a poor man's
fun : you encourage him in forgetting that he ought to bo
unhappy until he has ceased to be poor.

SENTIMEHT FOE Arousx. May we, like the Grouse, be on
the Wing.

" HEBE 'S SPORT, INDEED ! "SiU

Corsis JAOK (os A VISIT FROM LONDON) is mi.n BY THE GIRLS THAT "FERNINC. " is THE MOHT " AWF'LV JOI.I.Y Frs is THE WORLD."

THE HPBJECT !!!

CorsiN JACK HAS HI* owx OPINION cm

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1872.

SEPTEMBER XXX DAYS.

STANZAS ON ST. THOMAS'S DAY"
(DEC. 2l>.

ALONE with the Immensities,

I smoked, as Time flew by ;
I shunted to the Silences.

They tfavc me no reply.
I did a Wham, though wrapt in

His thickest cloak, expose.
I kicked a Phantom Captain ;

Moreover pulled his nose.

A Windbag, thought his victim,

To make of me, perhaps ;
Immediately I pricked him,

At once he did collapse.
A monstrous huge Mud Python,

Infuriate at mo flew.
" Ha, ha ! " I laughed. " Now writhe
on !"

I shot him, and I slew.

SEPTEMBER.

Is:; Happy Thought. "R" i" this month;
oysters in again.

2nd. "Partridge-shooting begins." Happy
Thought. Write to friends and send empty
hampers.

FROM THE BRIDGE OF SIGHS. Some of the
houses in that quarter of Venice, known as
the Ghetto, are as many as eight stories high.
Such a toilsome ascent reminds one forcibly
of the once popular melody--" Sich a Ghet-
ting upstairs."

MISPRINTED MORAL. Riches arc the re-
ward of the industrious ; therefore, in prais-
ing the rich you pay homage to virtue.

MANUAL LABOUR. The help extended by a
friendly hand is never more valuable than at
a theatre on the first night of a new piece.

SENTIMENT FOR SEPTEMBER. May the Birds
bo young, and the Carriage paid !

GEOGRAPHY PAPER.

GIVE the latitude and longitude of the
L;ind's End and the Land's Beginning.

Who are the Dolomites T

Define Bayawater.

When you enter at Stationers' Hall, where
do you cuine out?

Ls Wenham Lake in Norway, Westmore-
land, or America ?

Do the Gniian Alps ever change their
colour ?

Where is Wesscx ?

UNLUCKY NEW YEAR'S GIFT. A Nephew,
to ingratiate himself with a rich but penu-
rious old Uncle, whose health was failing
from loss of teeth, presented him, by way of
New Ye.ir's Gift, with an artificial set. Poor
fel'ow ! The eld fceutlemau got well and out-
lived him.

PLANETARY INFLUENCE. Mars appears in
conjunction with Orion's Belt, in which
spectral analysis immediately detects pipe-
clay.

MLSi'RtNTED MORAL. If you are wio, seek
to be admired by fools, for you instruct them
in exciting admiration for wisdom.

TASTES DIFFER. No man likes to be forcerl
to eat his words, yec plenty of men are
found ready to eat their Terms.

RACING NOTE FOR THE NEW YEAR. A
Sporting Gent turns over a New Leaf in his
Betting-Book.

VEGETABLE MEDICINE FOR FARMERS. To
prevent Potato disease, inoculate your "tr.turs
with Ergot cf Rye.

COMPETITIVE EXAMINATION RIDDLE. What
part of the world is named after ELIZABETH ?
Bessarabia.

MISPRINTED MORAL. Modesty upsets a
hundred men for one man upset by impu-
dence.

MISPRINTED MORAL. Decotvo yourself, and thus save
others the trouble of deceiving you.

MISPRINTED MORAL. Gratitude is the weakness of
those who feel themselves undeserving of favours.

WHAT OLD GROWLER SAYS. By George, Sir, women are
so painted now, and mutton is so tough, that a man who
gives a dinner should be hauled by the police, for suffering
his house to be used for rouge et gnaw.

MISPRINTED MORAL. If you would be quit of a man's
acquaintance, do not desire that he should insult you ; let
him only consult you, and it is your own f jult if you ever
speak again.

THE BTJLING PASSION.

Sir Tallot Howard 7m de Vert. "An! GOOD MOHNINO, MRS. JONES! DREADFUL ACCIDENT JUST OCCURRED. POOH Yocso LADY RIDINO ALONG THE Kixo's ROAD HOHSB
TOOK FRICIHT REARED, AND FELL BACK UPON HER DREADFULLY INJURED, I 'M SORRY TO SAY ! "

Xn. Waodbte Sunllington Jones. "Quite TOO SHOCKING, DEAR SIR TALBOT I WAS SHE KR A PERSON OF POSITION?"
Sir Talbot Hoicard Vm de Vere. " POSITION, BY GEORGE ! I DOOOCD UNCOMFORTABLE POSITION, TOO, I SHOULD SAY ! "

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1872.

OCTOBER.

1st. "Pheasant-shooting begins." Eappy
Thought. Uon't foix.'t friends. Wi -lift to say.
" 1 bear yipii 're liki''y to have good ni>ort."
BCBMmbtr to put adilrcK.' rloarly.

24th. Ilafipy Tltmujlit (/or Scotch Cltrti.)
" HoUd*ytBdlnburghaudOIaKCrw Hanks."

//<r;>/>'/ Thought (for any month in vhick
your birthday (>rru.rt.) Invite wealthy friends
to dine with, you on that d;iy.

RED-LETTEH DVYH.

January 17. Aunt JOANNA'S legacy.

Fetimary '!!>. Wife's blrthd:iy (unco in four
years).

March 3. I-ist l*>or relation emigrated.

Aiiril 30. Motlier-ln-law married again,
and wont to reside in the Ilo of Anglesey.

May 1. Twenty guineas discovered in
secret drawer in old family cabinet.

June 19. Baby cut hi* last tooth.

July '>. Uncle JOSHUA returned from
Australia, unmarriud, with a lartfc fortuuo.

Aiujuit 1. Boys go back to school.

Sefitember 2. Yearly hunpar from old
college friend in Norfolk.

Octolur 20. Two dozen of Madeira found in
the collar.

tfvvember 10. Smoky chimneys cured.

December 24. Uncle JOSHUA'S annual
Christmas cheque.

MISPRINTED MORAL. Praising people to
their faces Is like paying tradesmen ready
money : they pretend to dislike It, and they
really like you.

SENTIMENT FOB OcTOBEn,--May there bo
nothing brewing but Beer I

TIIB BEST PLACB is WINTIB. " Between
two Fires."

MISPRINTED MORAL. Simplicity U a groe
to bo cultivated only by the simple.

8TANZA3 BY A SILENT SUITOR.

You ask me why I apeak n.it.

Of my sili-ni-.; \ "U comnlnin ;
Vrt tin- liiilk-M rt-aMiii su.:k no^

I'or your teudcr heart 'twould pain.

Nny, doom not altered feeling
]'l:is dcitriiyi'il the Vive I Uirc,

That I shrink nuw from rc-vc:ilin^
What I should have uwned lieforo.

I 'd still call thee sweetest, dearest.
Could iny HI>S pronounce the word :

AVere my utterance the clearest.
Those express-ins .should bo hoard

I am silent, gentle maiden.

Not for want of love, in sooth,
Put because, by pain u'urladrn,

1 've pulled out a big front tooth !

INSANE THINGS TO DO.

FOR a feinglo Lady to feed her Tabby with
Catsup.

For a Dentist to attempt to Scale a Wall.

For ;i \ irge M^ Memory.

Kur a Doctor to l.o*,; his Patience

For a Mad Woman to wear a Madder petti-
coat.

For a Butcher to be a Vtgetarlan.

NEW DEGREES OP COMPARISON.
FORKAR forefather four at the farthest
Bet better bcttermost.
Rob robber KOBEHT'S.
Pond ponder Pondcr's End.
Chess Chester chest.
Soup super superlative.
Spoon Spoonor ppooiiiest.
Step step-father step farthest.

MISPRINTED MORAL. Be excessively severe
upon vices, if any, which you have left off.

Tnr Wr ATIIFR. Chanffo from Fair to Rain Corn shoot- I TRUE THIS WAT. The worst use to which you can put a I A BETTING BIRD. - Tho Cuckoo hedges before tho Derby,
ing begiiu I P'eturo is to haD 8 it-uiUess it 's a good one. | and Liys the Uedge-Sparrow one to flvo.

MUSIC WITHOUT CHARMS.

POOR LITTLE BROWN ! THAT HIS PLEASANT HOLIDAY is THE BAVARIAN HIGHLANDS THIS AUTUMN SHOULD HAVE ENDED so UNHAPPILY ! He JOINED DR. MAVIS THERE, ASD
ms CHARMIHG DAUGHTERS, THE YOUNGEST OF WHOM HE HAD LONG LOVED, AND FANCIED SUK WAS Nor fnommn TO HIS HOPES. HE WAS THE LIGHT TENOR OF THEIR MUSICAL
PARTIES. THEY WERE DELIGHTED WITH THE SOBNERY AND THK PEOPLE, AND SHE WAS ENCHANTED BY THE WILD MELODIES OF THE MOUNTAINEERS. THINKING TO PLEASE HKR, UE
RESOLVED TO STUDY SOME OF THESE, AND RETIRLD TO A LO.NELY GORGE, TO FdACTlSE THE YODELLING. UNLUCKILY, they WERE STKOLLIXU IS THE SAME DIRECTION THE CHARM
WAS BROKEN ! SHE REFUSED HIM! I

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1872.

HEIGHT OF HUSBANDLY IMPUDENCE.

WHEN HARY sulks (and 'tis her way),

I own our he.vrth is rather dull ;
Slie scarce replies to what I say,

And all her Talk-waves sink in hill.
But when she smiles, I quite approve

Excursion, opera-box, new gown :
She kiioirg it, and my thoughtful love,

To save my purse, puts on her frown.

DIVIDEND DAYS AT THE BANK.

To the Bank investors sober.

As the seasons fasr. fleet by,
Hush in April and October,

January and July.
Jack -a-lan terns never chevy ;

Speculations shun, O friends I
Be contented with your itivi,

JJivi, dm, dividends.

NOVEMBER.

* 2nd. Happy Tl<nu<tltt. \\Vte and conprratr-
late new Lord Mayor. Dinner at Guildhall
(n the ninth.

OCCUPATION FOR WOMEN. Miss TRTBALLS,
a young lady endowed with strength of mind,
sets up for herself in business as u Pawn-
broker. Two to one yuu will call her My
Aunt.

ZOOLOGICAL NOMENCLATURE. A female
Gorilla is imported into the Regent's Park
Collection. The Darwinists name her MARY
ANTHROPOID APE.

MISPRINTED MORAL. Counsel others to be
wise, and they will fancy yon are BO, if they
are fools, which most people are.

THK HEIGHT OF STINGINESS is to grudge a
Steam Engine its Fuel.

UNPOPULAR QUOTATIONS.

" WE want some coals."

"They ca led for the rates again this
morning."

" The water pipes have burst."

" JANK has given warning."

"That poor child, MINNIE, hasn't a thing
to wear. "

"The black -beetles are worse than over."

" I 've heard from Mamma, and sho will be
very glad to come and stay with us."

" Cook says we must have a new kitchen-
grate."

' Shall you mind turning out of your roo"n
on Thursday, dear ? It sadly wants cleaning. "

"HENRY ! there's some one ringing at the
front-door bell. I know those servants have
left the dining-room window unfastened.
Do go down and see if it '.s the Policeman."

"Please M', will you come up into the
nursery, and speak to MASTER AUTHUK? I
can't do anything with him."

" Is it the drains?"

" O, FRED ! SARAH broke your pipe when
she was dusting this morning."

"The drawing-room firo 's been smoking
all day."

" I wish those servants would come in."

" O ! M', the cat ha<( got the cold fuwl."

" I cannot find my key* anywhere."

" My best dress is completely ruined."

" Don't you think, my love, the children
look as if they wanted a change ? "

' The Sweeps are coming iu the morning."

" Have you any silver? "

" Dinner will be three-quarters of an hour
late, dear."

** The girls think we ought to give a
dance."

" REGINALD'S trousers are up to his knees."

"There is not a drop of brandy in tLo
house."

"There's no hot w^tcr, and the kitchen
fire 's out."

"Hush ! I think I hear baby."

PROGRESS. Every drapery establishment now keeps a
dictionary in other words a Shop " Walker."

MISPRINTED MORAL. Make new friends, that you may
safely affront old onex

MAXIM FOR MORALISTS. Mosaic is the Golden Mean.

To REMOVE DOUBTS. MRS. MALAPROP does not approve
of this new-fangled stuff, Diabolic acid, but sho is highly
delighted to soe there is an Anti Sceptic.

CLASSICAL INCONSISTENCY. AMACKK.OX, tho post cf wine,
wbo probably never drank a' cup of Buhea in the whole
course of his life, is called " The lYia:; Bard ! "

SENTIMENT FOR NOVEMBER. May the- Corporation of
London ever cherish the "love of the Turtle ! "

MISPRINTED MORAL. If you are a kindly fool, talk, as
there may be a greater fool present who lacks 33 mpathy.

" THE FEATHERED CURA.TION." Bonnets as now made.

SUSPICION.

Stout Visitor (em ducoveriny that, during his usual Xaf after Luncheon, he Jw.s ben tnl,jec!til to a. groxtly personal Practical Juke}.

AT THE ' LORD NELSON' 'A' DONE THI.S, I KNOW : ''

IT'S ONE o' THOSE DASHED AUTISTS THAT ARE STAYINO

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1872.

HEROISM WANTED.

MAS should be able to bear misfortune like
u m;m. But some shucks come very hard.
This is one. You went to bed none the
worse, let us say, for that extra tumbler of
iced toddy, s'-v'i "n Ilic Minimcr nights.
You Hleup soundly, but the daylight awakens
you, and you look at yimr watch. IV. De-
lightful. Four hours for more sleep, and as
you turn and compose yourself, coin us the
knock that means hbaving-water. The hour
is VI 1 1. You learn all in a moment. You
forgot to wind up your watch, and it has
stopped. That was tho extra, gku*s "' ' ri ''
toddy. Bear tho disaster bravely up, and
tub.

A GOOD TURN.

" TUB poets nre the true physicians," said a
sentimental but obe.se friend of "uir. After
you have eaten too much, go into the laundry.
and turn the mangle for an hour. IJvuox
knew the virtue uf this. He mentions "a
glutted tiger mangling in his lair.'

EASY AND ELEGANT AMUSEMENT.

TKY to get some friend who Is not appy
with his Kitchen to read this line:
" The orn of the miter is card on the ill : '*

And then this : -
*' A art that is umble mi#ht ope for it ere."

Then tell him to go away. That 's all.

THE BEST PLACE FOR PORCELAIN. Cheyne
Walk.

MISPRINTED MORAL. Beware of believing
good of others : doubly so of repeating it.

ANCHORITES. Sailors.

PROVERBS FOR TABLE.

SET a thief to catch a thief :
Think of thi when eating beef.

All thnt glitters is not gold :
Think uf thin when that beef 'H cold.

Harm is done by too much zeal :
Think of this when eating veal.

Life 's a jest, and all things show it:
Think of this when drinking Moot.

]Iap]iii)(^s flic* Ci'iirt fur garret :
Think of this when drinking clarut.

Cold in:ty oft lie bought too dear :
Think j this when drinking beer.

Many littles make a r.iickle :
Think of this when eating pickle.
Silent fools in ".y p i>s for wise :
Think of this when eating rice.
Unto Km IK- cnndii-'t all roids :
Think of tin* when cat ing t< a 1 -.
Flog first fault : f f ri,n-if,i,."
Think of this when eating loljstur.

Wliilo pras-'s grows the horse mav starve :
Think ot';his when asked to carve.

Shako the tree when fruit is ripe :
Think of this when eating tripe.

Fo<rls build houses, wise iren buy ;
. Think of this when eating pie.

Pause, ere leaping in the dark ;
Think of this when eating lark.

Punctual pay gets willing loan ;
Think of this when drinking Bcauno.

Wisdom asks fruits, but Folly flowers J
Think o' tfdt when eating cauliflowers.
Birds of a feather flock together ;
Think of this when tho idiot of a cook
has boiled theoyaters in the sauce, and
made them aa tough as leather.

DECEMBER XXXI DAYS

DECEMBER.

20th. Hdfpy Thought. Make arrangements to be away
for Christmas week.

25th. Ifajtpy Tlwugld. Merry Christmas.

2Cth. Boxing-day. Happy Thought. Not at home to any-
one. Servants don't kuo-.v when you '11 bo back. Porhupd
not till next July.

- FOR ZADKIKL.-SUPPOSC the Planets are in-
habited. What Hurt of Influence, good or bad, dues thia
Hanoi exert on people in the others?

SKXTIMENT FOR DKLKMIUJH. May tlie Christmas B.llo
drown tho Christmas Bills !

A LADY is WAITIXO. A Spinster aged thirty-five.

GOLDEN EPHTULAHY Rct.K. Never send off to naan,
wuman, or child, a letter which you would not like to road
in a newspaper some morning at breakfast.

MISPRINTKD MORAL. Hcscut fcrnall injuries, and you
will feel great ones tho leas.

Is tho " Augcl of Islington " a good or bad Angel ?

COMPULSORY EDUCATION.

TOMKINS'S FIRST LEJUN is THE ART ot " JUMHNG.'

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1872.

Itecemtirr IT, K.72.;

ALMAJSACK FOK 187:3.

n.. Mm. lit n

f'*fl>M11

win ni.u | j* M 3. K

"* ''-c'l'l'lUr'*."' 2H\\' I* (H.t
'. I.I,,- I. d.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1873.

[December 17, 1

HIGH LIFE IN THE COUNTRY.

Doctor " I AM PLEASED TO SAY MRS FlTZBBOWNE, THAT I SHALL BE ABLE TO VACCINATE YOUR BABY FROM A VERV HEALTHY CHILD OF YOUR NEIGHBOUR, MBS. JoNES-

Mra. fitzbroicne. " OH DEAR, DOCTOR ! I COULD NOT PERMIT THAT. WE DO NOT CARE TO BE MIXED up WITH THE JONESES IN ANY WAY."

LINES TO MY LADY-LOVE.
(By a Common-place Pertm.)

To thee, were I a humble bee,

I 'd hourly wing my honeyed flight ;

To thee, were I a sbip at sea,
I'd sail, tho' land were in my sight :

To thee, were I a pussy oat,
1 'd spring, as tho' 'twere on a rat !

To thoe, were I a stickleback.

I 'd swim as fast as fins could move ;
To thee, were I a hunter's hack,

I 'd gallop on the hoofs of love :
But as I 'm but a simple man,

I '11 come by train, love if I can !

COMIC CHRONOLOGY.

A.D. 1001. Invention of the riddle,
" When is a door not a door t "

A.D. 1220. First asking of the ques-
tion, " Where was MOSES when the candle
went out ? "

A. D. 1349. Discovery of the conun-
drum, " Why does a miller wear a white
hat?"

A. I). 1508. A tongue is cut at supper,
and for tho first time a joke is cut upon
it

A.D. 1650. Introduction of the pleasant
saying, " Who stole the Donkey ? "

A D. 1703. JONES helps SMITH to trifle,
and has the happiness of making the first
pun ever made upon it.

THERE was a Rich Merchant of Bristol,
Who shot at a cat with a pistol :
The cat 's living still.
And the merchant by will
E.iriched an Old Cat down at Bristol.

WHAT'S the distinction between Winter
and Summer?

One 's the Double Vest time, and the
other 's the Harf-vest time.

ORNITHOLOGY AT SCHOOL. Our old
English ancestors called the Song Thrush
or Throstle the Mavis. The Mavis eats
slugs and snails. Here are a slug and a
snaiL Utrv,m horum, ATavis, accipc.

FOR THE OEOORAPniCAL SOCIETY. Is

there any connection between the Wisper
and the Sound 1

HA, HA! YOU MUST LEARN TO LOVE ME."

Vide " The Bottle Imp."

PRIZE CHARADE.

(To be asked in January and answer to be

looked for in December.)
WITHOUT my first Chance wouldn't stand

a chance,
My first can make you jump and look

askance.
The House of Commons dearly loves my

first.
Without it, too, some folks would be

athirst.

My second is what certain snobs admire,
And far more useful than a coal for fire.
My whole IB what my whole must have

to be

Of use to Sweeper, Sailor, or M.P.
I 'm from the deep, or from the richest

mine,

Or from the forest. On the railway-line
1 'm carried, and the shivering soldier

thanks

His lucky s-fors that gave me to the ranks.
I'm blessed by saints, though often

cursed by sintieis,
Whom I have kept away from festive

dinneis.

T^ke me to China and you '11 find that tea
Is nothing when a M;mdarm sees me.
So think me over, meditate, and guess,
And if you're light, depend on't, I'll

say *' Yes."

A SUGGESTION.

* FROZEN over is the pond, love.

Dearest KATE,
Let us therefore, O ray fond love,

Go and skate."
1 But the ice is so thin,
We might both tumble in.

Ira la la la ! "

' Well ; but if a drag we borrow.
What do you tay about to-morrow ?
"Ask Mamma."

ADVICE TO SPONSORS. Never name tho
boy to whom you stand godfather, JOHN
EDWARD The diminutive of JOHN is
JACK ; that of EDWARD is NEDDY. The
latter diminutive is bad enough by itself,
but the former, prefixed to it, makes
it twice as bad. Plain Donkey, an appel-
lation sufficiently opprobrious, becomes
doubly objectionable when expanded
into Jackass.

IV-rmbw 17, 1871.]

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1873.

f;f Laity.'

ZODIACAL ZANYISJI
Anins, the RAM, harbours need for de-
fence.
TAURUS, JOHN BULL, wi'l be put to ex-

pens* 5 .
OEMINI, TWINS, mke their Sires doubly

blest.

C .NCER, the CRAB, is oft hard to digest.
J.EO the LION, us UVRON hath said.
Will turn tail and flee before VIHOO the

MAID.
LIBRA, the BALANCE, at Banks is the

thing
SCORPIO, the SCORPION, can both pinch

and sting.
CAPRICORNUS, the BILLY- COAT, TAFFY

knows well.
SAGITTARIUS, the ARCHER, they called

WILLIAM TELL.
AQUARIUS, the WATERMAN, carries two

pails.
TISCES. the FISHES, have true fins and

scutes,

My dears, but you always confound them
with whales.

" THE LAST (CO-OPERATIVE) FEATHER

' JCHT TAKE AND TlE UP A COPPLE OF THOSE SACKS BEHIND THE CARRIAGE, JAMES. THERE 'LL BE RoOK

THERE was an old "salt" down at

Bnrmouth,
Who married a widow at Yarmouth,

A second at Qoole,

And another t Poole,
Yet lived to be ninety at Barmouth.

THE BIRDS' BETROTHAL.
" MY Snowdrop," the cock blackbird
quoth

Unto his Valentine.
" My Crocus," said tho hen, ' ' in troth

With that yellow beak of thine ' "

HISTORY RKPEATS ITSELF. HAROLD has
proposed for CONSTANCE. She thinks him
delightfully eligible In erery point of
view ; but tho higher powers are not
equally enthusiastic. A family mooting
is held consisting of Papa, Mamma
Uncle CHRISTOPHER, and Aunt EMILY.
Two people anxiously await the decision
oi' this COUNCIL OF CONSTANCE.

CUTTING AND MAIMING. When you sea
a man mangling a goose or a hare at the
dinner-table, you mty safely predict of
liim that he will never carve his way to
distinction.

- Tm FESTIVE BORED. At a Public
Dinner.

CASUALTIES OF THE PAST YEAR.

A CONOREOATION was curried away.

A meeting was set by the ears.

A man was buried in thought.

A gnat many persons drowned their
orrows.

Others wer overwhelmed with thanks.

Others were (mothered with kisses.

Others cut their own throats.

Others split their sides.

Many people lost their heads.

Others ran them against a stone wall.

Others fell between two stools

Other* stuck to their posts.

Others were riveted to the spot

Others cut off their nose to spite their
face.

There wai a flood of light literature

The Registrar-GeneraPs Reports sLow
about an average number of cases of
blind sides, deaf ears, cold shoulders
noses put out of joint, wry faces, turned
beads, people without a leg to stand on,
and people falling over head and ear; iti
love. __ _

FASHIONS FOR MAY.
" "Tis the twenty-ninth of May ;

Deck with oak-apples your hair "
" O yes ! We '11 ke, p ny day

When there ' anything to wear."

A KARA MONGRELLIS.

Tourist. "YOUR Doa APPBABS TO BE DEAF, AS HE FAY3 N
Shepherd. " NA, NA, SIB. SHE'S A VARRA WISE Doa,
PEAKS GAELIC."

'O ATTENTION TO

FOR ALL TAT.

ME."
BUT SHI ONLY

i! was a Young Lady of Ifie.d,
With whom a gay Flirter had trilled,
Till she snatched up a pen,
Crying, ' Write the day When.
Or 1 11 strangle you till you are stifled. "

NOTION is NOMENCLATURE Our Saxon
ancestors called the months by names of
their own. If tho members of their
Wittonagemote, when it had broken up
had been accustomed to stump their
constituents, and thera had been learned
Associations wont at the same time to
hold their annual Congresses and palaver
t^ey would perhaps have conferred the
title of Mouth-Monath on September.

WHAT a host of learned women there
would be, if all those of the sex who
sometimes "look blue" had any pretcn-
sions to be considered literary characters !

FOR THI ZOOLOGICAL SOCIETY. I a
molecule a little mole?

OLD ENOLISU FARE. -By a stao-e-cnai-h

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1873.

[December 17, 1872

A DAY WITH THE HARRIERS. LITTLE NIMROD'S NEW HUNTER.

Little N. " CARRIES ME SPLENDIDLY* PLENTY OF POWER, YOU SEE ! "

Charles (hit f riant). "HA ! QUITE so. Bur WIHT HAVK YOU DOXK WITH THE BATHING MACHINE :

PECULIAR PEOPLE.

MR. BROWN begins to light his firo
according to the almanack, instead of
the thermometer.

MR. JONES dare not praise a picture
until he knows who painted it.

MR. ROBINSON once journeyed to Jeru-
salem, and cannot meet you for five
minutes without saying he has done so.

MK. FLUKBR never plays a game of bil-
liards with a friend without-, alleging that
he has not touched a cue for upwards of
a twelvemonth.

M R. G ROW LE R never misses any chance,
when the Tories are in power, of pro-
claiming his opinion oC the decadence of
England.

MR. ToMKiN-s can't enjoy a play of ma-
rionettes, because he won't restrain him-
self from looking at the wires.

MRS. FUSSIE keeps an album, pts a
pug dog, and collects old postage-stamps.

MR. GRABB is always ready to borrow
a cigar of you, but never volunteers to
lend you one.

Miss SIMPERTON can't travel half-a-
dozen miles without a lady'a-maid and
half-a-dozen band- boxes.

MR. HURRY hires a Hansom to take
Lim to an omnibus

MR. MOXEVBAOGE aspires to bo a mem-
ber of the School Boird, although he
calls intelligence "reliable," and pecu-
liar, "pecaoliar."

Misrt DAWDLETON can crochet, knit,
and tat, but, except in great emergen-
cies, cannot sew a button on.

MR. HUNKS prefers, ho says, to travel
second-class, because the first-class is
so stuffy.

MR. DUFFER gives to beggars, and
avoids a poor-box.

THRRE was a Young Person in Poland,
Wiio bought some Macassar of Rowland :

Her hair grew so thick.

It was propped by a stick
A thing which had happened in no land.

FOR THE STATISTICAL SOCIETY. When
a man is a Cipher c*n he take care of
Number one, and is everybody at liberty
to set him at nought?

A COMPLETE SUIT. Bob wig, billycock
hat, d.cky, jean coat and waistcoat, jack-
boots, and nankeen trousers.

NEATLY TURNED.

Gallant Paddy. "SHURE, THEY'RE ILLIOA.NT CREASES, DARLIN. BUT CHOOSK YK
BUNCHES. SOME iv 'EM'S LIKE YOURSELF BETTER LOOKING THAN OTHERS ! "

MEDITATIONS UPON MATRIMONY.
(By a Married Man.)

LIFE is beset with dangerous tempta-
tions. When you take your wife dowu
Hegent Street, always leave your purse
at home.

In connubial arithmetic, a husband
must be reckoned as less than half a
man when his better half is with him.

Pity the poor gentleman whose wife
will have a latch-key !

Marriage would in many cases be a
blissful state, if it were not for cold
mutton.

When you detect a wife's unusual affec-
tion for her husband, you may expect
to see her before long in a new bonnet.

Pleasant is the Derby Day with bache-
lor acquaintances ; but a trip to a West
End jeweller's is a costly price to pay
for it.

If your wife says, "Dear Mamma is
coming for a week or so," you may pre-
pare your mind to receive her for a month
or two.

Lovers sometimes rave about the sun-
sliine that gilds a married life ; but, when
they come to bask in it, they find it is
mere moonshine.

BONG ON ST. CUTHBERT'S DAY.
"EASY Shaving ! Easy Shaving ! "

Legend still above my door :
In the breeze whilst beards are waving ;

Men get shaven now no more.

Cutting and shampooing only,
I with snaps and grease rub on.

But my little shop is lonely,
Now the Barber's Trade is gone I

THERE came a Queer Stranger to Dawlish,
High-shouldered, low-spirited, tallish :
He mooned on the beach,
And he spouted a speech.
Which sounded quite Exeter-Hall-ish.

ASTROLOGY AND MYTHOLOGY. In the
beginning of March, according to ZADKIEL,
" Saturn steals on." Does he, the old
thief? But we thought the Thief-god or
god of Thieves was Mercury.

FOB THE SOCHTY OF ANTIQUARIES.

When was the last Fairy seen in
England?

Decemkn- IT, 187JJ

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1873.

A PLEASANT PROSPECT !

English Touriit. " I SAY, LOOK HERE. How FAR is IT TO THIS GLEXSTARVIT f
Tourist (agluut). " ALL Boo LIKE THIS?" Native.

THEY TOLD us IT WAS ONLY " Katirt.

" EH a THIS is JOST NAETHIN* TILL'T I ! "

' ABOOT TOOK Miixa."

ECCLESIASTICAL PUNWINO. It Is needless to repeat the
joke made by POPE GREGORY on the English youth, whoso
countrymen he sont St. Augustine to convert. Was a
similar pun intended by the Pontiff who appointed the
28th of August for St. Augustine's Day ?

HAOIOLOOY. Juno 5. Festival of St. Boniface. In the
Army of Martyrs a host in himself. St. Boniface is the
Patron of tho Licensed Victuallers.

MALAPROPIANA.

MRS. MALAPROP has been very much interested In a de-
scription of the Honeycombs at Rome.

MRS. MALAPROP possesses a Shakespeare with Margaret
notes.

MRS. MALAPROP recommends the consecrated milk.

Mas. MALAPROP hates your chymical people.

MRS. MALAPROP is looking out for the Chiistmas Novices.

NOTE ON OLD ENOLISH FARE. Christmas plum-pudding
is quite as indigestible as wedding-cake, but the latter has
consequences which, happily, do not follow eating the
former. They are carved alike in wedges. Beware the
thin end of the wedge ; still more the thick.

STICKING TO THEM. Beards are not so much worn as they
were, but the Oysters, always tenacious, have made no
change.

SPORTS AND PASTIMES OF

THK PAST YEAR.
BEATIXO about tho bush.
Drawing tho Ions; bow.
Fishing in troubled waters.
Catching Tartars.
Hooking husbands.
Fly, u^ iu the face of Society.
Harping on one string.
House-hunting.

Killing two birds with one stons.
Outrunning the cou.stable.
Hinging tho changes,
s, tiling close to the wind.
Shooting folly flying.
Tuft hunting.
Walking over the course.
Going on a wild-guoso chase.

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS.
THE storm-cook on the leader

tree-top fifes
I've twing.-s in the shonldo!

and tho knee.
And my corns shoot, and so do

ray uwn wife's.

We shall have rain before 01
after tea.

GREAT BABES IN THE WOOD.
LINKED together, heart and soul,
In September lit us stroU.
Then the mushrooms we can cull,
If we find eacli uther dull.
Otherwise, nur lips wj '11 st tin
With tho blackberries in yon lane.

THERE w:is a bold uilor of Cardiff.

Who said to himself, " It is hard if
I can't have a stir made
About a young mermaid

I'll bring the'Museum at Cardiff."

A REOI'LAR FEAST DAY.
May 29. Restoration of CHA RI.FS
THE SECOND. Tho reetauntnt,
MONK'S.

THE CHANNEL QUESTION SOLVED ;

OR, EVERY ONE HIS OWN BESSEMER !

OFFENCES OF THE PAST
YEAR

KNOCKING people down with a
feather.

Throwing dust in thir eye*.

Blowing them up.

Stealing kis.si-5.

" Taking silk."

Wurdeiing tunes.

Robbing Peter to pay Paul.

Set', ing fire to the Thames.

Roasting fritnds.

Cutting up authors.

Quarrelling with bread and but-
ter.

THERE was an eccentric at Che

tr,

Who walked about in a sou'-
weiter,

And stood on his head
When he gut into bed,
Which was only a second-hand
tester.

THE INXOCKNT TO HIS
MATE.

COME where the redbreast war-
bles ;

Come whero the beetles crawl :
There will we play at marbles,

Under the garden walL

AN APRIL FOLLY.
" GOOD morrow, 'tis St. Simple-
ton's Day.

All in the morning cool.
And I 'm not up at your window
To be your April Fool."

IMPOLITE THISO. To crumble
at the high price of coals when
you are dining with a colliery
owner.

ATHLETIC SPORTS. Not* A
Creature of Impulse Football.

PUNCH'S ALM,

December 17. 1972.)

FOB 1873.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1873.

[December 17. 1872.

ON THE HILLS.

Seer Stalker (Old Hand, and fond of it). " ISN'T IT EXCITING ! ? KEEP COOL ! "

[Jonti itn't used to it, and, not having moved for the last half-hour, his excitement has worn off. He's wet throuah, and sinking/ ait in the Soggy around, and speeMest tnth Cola.
he doesn't answer. ^^_

NATURAL HISTORY OF THE PAST
YEAR.

BUTTERFLIES were broken on wheels.

Cats looked at kings.

Cricketers made ducks' eggs.

Little birds whispered in the ear.

A good many mares'-nests were dis-
covered.

People smelt a rat.

Others were still as a mouse.

Others plucked crows.

Others took " rooks."

Birds of a feather flocked together.

Puppies and dull dogs were asnumerous
as ever.

Cucumbers maintained their usual
coolness.

U Qsuceessf ul attempts were again made
to put salt on birds' tails, to catch weasels
asleep, and to introduce pigeons' milk.

The British Lion hud a strong dose of
*'Oneva " administered to him.

THE ANGLER'S CATCH.

THE fiy is on the water,
The fish are in the creel.

For caught by whipping trout are,
But you can't so catch an eel.

THERE was a Young Lady of Norwood,
Who chattered jus*, like a macaw would,

Hec JM a said, ' ' In vain

Do I try to stop JAKE ;
P'raps a husband who kept her in awe,
would."

A SCIENTIFIC WANT. We have statics
and hydrostatics, pneumatics and rheu-
matics ; but none of these exactly repre-
sent the feelings of young ladies, when
they see a new oonnct or a new bfxby, or
hear of another hall or A fresh party
this is Ecstatics !

MORAL FOK THE MONTH. Midsummer
is apt to be attended with thunderstorms.
The highest points are those which most
attract the electric fluid. The bolt which
strikes the palace spares the pigstyo.
Hrumnk !

RrDE THING. To take out your watch
during the sermon.

RUDER THING. To take yourself out
during that discourse.

THE ARCHERY MEETING.

Curate (to Fair Stranger). " I PERCEIVE YOU ARE NOT A TOXOPHILITE ! "

Fair Stranger (promptly). " OH DEAR NO I ' CHURCH or ENQLAMD,' I ASSURE YOU I '

WORK OP THE PAST YEAR.

AIRING French.
Building castles in the air.
Chopping logic.
Cracking jokes.
Cleansing Augean stables.
Cutting and drying.
Fencing questions.
Hedging bets.
Imprinting kisses.
Knitting brows.
Nursing omnibuses.
Putting shoulders to wheels.
Scouring the country.
Skinning flints.
Sowing wild oats.
Reaping the consequences.
Splitting hairs.
Ventilating grievances.
Wading through books.
Wool gathering.
Spinning yarns.
Cheese- paring.
Trimming.

GARDENING NOTES.
A TIDY sort of a Tree is a Spruce Fir.
Gra'S that can't be expected to grow
straight is evidently Rye-Grass.

THERE was a Young Lady called ETHEL,
Who, lisping, to CECIL said, " THETHIL !
In rain, hail, or freeze,
I 'm for Church, if you please,
But I cannot abide Little Bethel."

OCTOBER 2. Pheasant-eating begins.

NOVEMBER 2. St. Cecilia's Day. A
Monster Concert is given by the Amal-
gamated Organ-Grinders, Scotch Bag-
Vipers, Street Bulbd Singers, and
Nigger Minstrels of London.

THERE was a stout Bishop of Venice,
Who, when he had finished at tennis,
//) pontificalibus
Ran out to hail a bus-
Then a new feature at Venice.

DEVOTION TO SCIENCE Our friend,
WVLDE FLOWERS, is an enthusiastic natu-
ralist His wife has lately presented
him with twin daughters. He has called
them FLORA and FAUNA.

December 17 1871.1

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOB 1873.

"IT'S AN ILL WIND," &c.

" OH, PAPA ! WHAT do YOU THINK ? FOUR OUT OF OUR TWKLVE BOXES ARE MISSING."
" HURRAH ! BY GEORGE I THAT'S THE BEST PIECE OF NEWS I'VE HAD FOR A LONG TIME."

EVENTS OF THE PAST YEAR.

Educational. Large attendances at the
School far Scandal.

Chemical. Drugs in the market.

Jiot'in'cal Turning over i new leaf.

Military. Miuvh of intellect,

JVaraf. Blowing great guns.

Metcorolopica 1. Showers of circulars.

Xun/.caf. A infusion of new blood.

Agricultural. CORNEV GRAIN vory
amusing.

Commercial. Number of far-fetched
s. according to the import i-eturus,
ly in excess .if thy yr:ir 1871.
untkroinc. Advice freely given

Scientific. Aquariums goiug on SAiui-
mingly

Fbmitafr. Ploughing in Oxfordshire.

Grazing. Scraping your Bhins.

THE DOUBLE DAY IN NOVEMBER.
PHOCBUS, with unclouded r:iy,

Evermore for London shino
On November's twice third day ;

Heed the number of thy Nine.

With the Crown that never fails
Hymn we then the Civic Chair.

Then was bom the PRINCE OF WALES ;
Then cornea in the New LORD MAYOR.

Phoebe, being not elsewhere

Absent, filled tliy light serene
Though in e"cry thoroughfare
Stars of gaslight mock thy sheen ;

While the People rend tho air
Shouting, o'. r their gr"gs and ales,

Glory to the new LORD MNYOR :
Ditto to tho PIUNCE OF WALKS.

THKRE was a Young Lady called LILY,
Say, was she or was she not silly ?
She rejected a hand
Bringing riches and land,
Because she disliked the name "BILLY."

SYMPATHY. Things wore a serious
nupect when tho Bakers threatened to
strike. The bread itwlf looked " sad."

ODD THING. To encore a song, and to
be quite satisfied when another is sung
in its stead.

MEAN THING. To ask for discount
when you buy the wedding-ring.
CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY TASK. Cram,

without examination.

" DISTANCE TRENDS," &c.

Wiry Keeper. " THAT'S OCR GROUND, SIR, JCTT ROUND TBAT FURTHEST HII.L."

[Brovm (from London), who had understood hit Moor tea* teithin tant <liftanfe from the
Railway Station, and Aa been tea ton;; far the but Tuo llourt, tuul hatn't '" a Dry
Thread," Cava In.

A 8ONQ WITHOUT SENSE.
(Adapted for Slow and Sentimental Uutic.)

WHO will o'er the moon so free,
O who will gaily ride

Upon a rocking-horse with me.
That carries twelve inside T

1 promised hor a slice of cake.
Made by a kangaroo :

Alas ! my brittle heart will break,
For all iu vain 1 woo.

How fondly I recall the time,

When, sitting on the stile,
We heard the beetle's drow.y chime,

And saw the cuckoo smile !
But now no more the beetle sings,

The birds are silent too,
For tho' 1 've bought four wedding-rings,

Tis all in vain I woo.

MONEY AND MATRIMONY.

FOR thy meteors, mcist November, oft

I 've watched till late at nigbt.
O that in my little garden there would

(all an aerolite.
Having witbinslde a diamond which

would for a million sell !
No man now upon lesa money could

afford to marry well.

DOMESTIC PET3.

EVERY dog must have his day ;

And every cat her night.
This is the sort of tiling men say

Whim they have gotten tight.

THERE was a Young Lady called FLORY,
In goodness she placed all her glory,

And boxed both her sisters' .

Four ears into blisters,
Because they had told her a story.

DECEMBER ANSWER TO JANUARY'S PRIZE
CHARADE. But- ton.

THE man who is equal to himself is
generally a match for others.

How TO ROLL IN WEALTH. Marry a
rich carriage-maker's daughter.

UNSEASONABLE THING. To say " Good
morning " on a very foggy day.

A COURT CIRCULAR. From a Royal
Tradesman.

A " YOI-NO SHAVXR." A barber's baby.
A LARGF. F\\m.v PAH-TV VI nf us I

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1873.

[December IT. 1872.

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PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1873.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK !W 1873

[Dwembcr 17, 167J.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOK 1874.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1874.

[December 18, 1873.

THE

RACE.

While Mettfanus Wttkint and Perkint art discussing grave School-Board matters and Parliamentary lifintss, tJteir respective Husbands are engaged on a topic more genial to their softer

natures and weaker intellects.

"ISN'T SHE A DARLING PET, FRED ! AND JUST FANcrTfro FRONT TEETH, AND ONLY FOUR MONTHS Zrfsr TVESDAF WEEKS '
" WELL Jt KsrsRtt WHY, MF DARLING ICKLE TOTTY HASN'T CUT A SINGLE TOOTH, AND HE'S Six MONTHS TO-MORROW I How DO YOU FEED HER, TOM?"

NOT IN THE DICTIONARIES. Language is always suscep-
tible of improvement. Thus a coterie of Ladies might
with perfect propriety be termed a pottiooterie.

WHEN is a Lunatic like a pretty flower ?
When he is a little dazey.

SHABBY EVASION.

THOU hast no birthday, Dear, to call
For any gift this year thureon,

As thy nativity doth fall
On Sunday which is dies non.

Rvs IN URBE. In October, November, and even Decem-
ber and January, violets which peep out of little beds of
moss, with wicker frames, may bo seen blooming all about
the banks of Lombard Street.

WHAT PRINCES SMOKE. Regalias.

NEW EDITION OF WALKER.

THE Baker rolls.

The Butcher shambles.

The Banker balances himself
well

The Cook has a minciog gait.

The Livery-stable Keeper has
a " tiii'sing gait."

Tho Excursionist trips along.

The Fishmonger flounders on.

The Poulterer waddles like a
duck.

The Gardener docs not allow
th i Trass to grow under his feet.

The Grocer treads gingerly.

The Indiarubber Manufacturer
has an elastic s'ep.

Tho Rogue shuffles, and

The Doctor's pace ifi killing.

THE GOLDEN HAIR REVIVER.
1 1 is a well-known fact that sud-
den grief will have the effeot of
whitening the hair. There was
o:ice a poor author whose hair
anxiety had turned prematurely
groy. Now for a fact not gene-
rally known. News came that
an Aunt, whom he had never
soon, h;id died and loft him a
fortune. His hair Immediately
i 'inied brown again. N'.lt. The
ruin Tnith.

WEDDING PRESENTS. Kmnc
prls like silk dresses, others
Tixfor juwollery. That sensible
little creature MINNII: WISSITT,
; marrying on four hundred
and titty, told Unolo ANDREW
thit a few tuns uf Silkstones
-.'paid IH> the must acceptable
tiling he could give her.

I UK PA ni' IN SAINT <>K('ABIM:T-
M. \KERS. St. And row by thn
W.irdrobo.

TUB CAT'S PARADISE. Lapland.

FAMOUS SAYINGS.

"BRIDE-CAKE or Westminster
Abbey ! "

" See, my Son, how easily the
world is humbugged."

" Above all, no veal "

"Afternic, the Income-tax."

" Save me from my dims."

" Rome was not built in
twenty-four hours."

" Property has its taxes as
well as its rates."

Drcfl

WHO GOES THERE ?

Tov.nrt &ntry ' on f he Gold Coast). "HULLO! .SHALL I SHOOT FIRST, AND CHALLENGE AFTERWARDB? STOP
A BIT, THOUUH; P'RHAFS IT'S ONE OF OUB FANTEE ALLIES!"

THE BITTER DROP. One who
had the reputation of being a
great philosopher, an experi-
enced man of the world, a pro-
found thinker, nnd an acute
observer with a deep insight into
human nature, has left on record
the expression of his firm con-
viction, that no man, however
rich, however gifted, however
fortunate in his domestic rela-
tions, however successful in his
public undertakings, can bo pro-
nounaed happy whose tiouscrs
bag at the knees.

PROFESSIONAL ENTHUSIASM.
A gentleman of the lousy robe
was so proud of it that, having
been, just after ho had been
culled to the bar, invited to a pie-
nie, he went there in his wig and
gown. But why not ? The ladies
present wore not only their
gowns but also their chignons.

CHRISTMAS GENIALITIES. Re-
spectable Solicitor, deck your
office with the evergreens of the
season. Registrar, be especially
careful to hang up a great bunch
of mistletoe.

GARDENING AMUSEMENT FOR
COLWELL-HATCHNEY. Spinning
Tuniip Tops.

IlCCrnMT 18, 1873. ]

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1874.

KXTHACT,

" YC rantl'it tit^tO ill HlC

dark," ^aid a Lci-micr. " Na-
tun; lias intended u.i t<>. M e nut

food."
" Then," Innulrod ;i forwwd

pupil, "how about u blind man

lit dmnci ''. "

" Nature, Sir," all.-nvei-ed the
I'; . fcw Mir, " has pruvid- d biiu
with Kye teeth."

pAiKs.-How ndmir.ibly well

cert.vn persons uiid things w>
together! How invaiiably we
a**Mifiat<; in our minds bii k*
and mortar, and HEAI MOST and
Fi.Kn'HEK* and CIIAI-MM and
HOIINC, and ANTONY and (.'I.K.O-
r M'KA, and supply and demand,
and Slu-iry and bittcis. and 1:-rn
and ti-t, and attract and con-
crete, and oysters and Chabli.s !

Tin: SNAKKS AND Tin: SHAM-
ROCK. According I u Tradi t i< >i\,

tho altori;,'inal rue*-. <>f Ireland
included the OThidia *. Kt. Pat-
rick drove the whole tribe of
them into the bogs.

ADVICK TO YOl'M: HI-I i

KI:KI-KKH. Put your washing
..ut if you ilo not wish your
husband to be put out.

PnoiM*r,i> KxcAVAnnN IN run
Cnv OF LONDON'. Diy for tho
Municipal Bo.ly iu Alderman-
bury.

THERE 's one T^ec tliat ou^ht
to )w well off for baik the Dog-
rose Tree.

NOTK 1 01; MARTINMAS. In a
M.m 1 * Life there is nu St. Mar-
tin's Suniiuer.

MY LADY'S KI-ICUAM. Male i.i
only Mule spelt wrongly.

QI:KRR QUKIUES.

r\ : . a Hill . drawn

{uyuUc at hiht l> legally pte-
(Kiitcd .it mi Iritih Bhnrl Asylum ?

Is it known in KOCH! ttociuty
h'.w many Hntish ( 'attli--'.
reside in ('attlo-.wida ?

l)o I.M-IL t 1 1 . .', ( '< n titutioit
ever got a little runty in il:imj>
weather '.'

If a Mail I)n({ won the Derby.
would it IK; roiiuet tu tenn the
feat a "rabid aet of hop-cin n
slap'.'"

May yoiiriy ladies >ie nskod if
til- y c-in wear a shiji, when thu
sails arc "blown to ribbons ? "

SHOCKING !

Dr. Jottihn;/ (wfm hud been C'tl'ett K'cay f,-n,,< u. f,.->af Miring at kin C'tfb). " THIRTKKN, FOUBTBKS, F'FTHEN-
o, F'KTKKS-Fui-R, F'FTEEN-Six PAIR KioUT Nos'dU NINE " (Drt* o,ff.) [" We draw a ra/,"0.r.,<tr.

AliVirF fllUTlR. -You WlMi t,,

^ivt- ('MtMKNTiXA a New 'i
present. You have thought of n
Toy Terrier. Yon want to knw
where you can procure it Go
int'i a in/ shop, and a>-k for one.
You will Ije sure to get it

BOTANY AND ACOUSTICS. Cot-

t"ii, Vintf a ligtit substance, IH

not therefore called Gottyj^u,.',

is not Latin

for "gossip." Note, al*o, that
gosaip is, on the contrary, ex-
cluded by cottuu in the oars.

KTHNOUK.V. _ Th c p,
were not altogether a fa;
race ; tho Hoshtncik may Ije ho
culled 1* r:m .,- they arc no bonh.
Thus it is by no means true
that your only pigmies are little
pigs.

A X I' >M KOR THE KlTCI! KV.

Thin^.-. nibbed agaiiiHt a grater
b couio letis.

CuAurAiiSK to be drunk on
a Lsiwii " Mow-it ;" and when
you've finished one bottle, call

for some

I'm: TIIMOI si; AND TUCNCHEON. The Small Hirds Pro-
t*-ction Act has constituted our Police the special -'i,a\liaus
of our feathered vocalists. Bobby protects Dicky.

LOVE AND LAW. T.ovc is mightier than Law, but Law
often kills Love. [This is from Our Anti Cunnul-ial Corre-

ANIMAL SPIRITS.

SAID a Calf unto an Ass,
" Did you ever cat the hay

Which was made of sparrow-grass !
Edward burst into a bray.

BLACK AND WHITE. Much harmless SHtire has been ex-
pended on Gentlemen's Evening Dress, but after all what
can be more suitable for a dinner-party than a swullaw-tail
coat?

TWENTY-NINTH OK MAY.- University Men "sport their

Oak."

STANCH !

(.v>;/i/>fui'mn( [7nclt(viha l,a* rraumlerttl hit AV/-A- if 'in I,;.* If ill, ,( it tip tn hit Antla in Wnler). "I SIT, Jcnix. Do TOi: KNOW vom BOAT Lr.\K.st"

Nr t }hew (liipli /tail drn on Hit Thmirlt\ " LIKE OLD BoOTa !" Unfle. " I!UT I WHAT'S To BE DOSE?"

E< 1'hew. *' WAIT TILL SHK Fn.t-s, AND THKS TUT ON A SPI'KT ron THK SHORE: :"

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1874.

[December 18, 1873.

ft B

3 3

I r

I
s;

December 18, 1B73. :

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1874.

PROXY.

"As YOU'RE GOINO TO SAY YOUR PRAYERS, MAUD, FI.F.ASK MENTION I'M so DREADFULLY TIRED I CAN'T SAY BINE TO-NIOHT, BUT I'LL BE SURE TO REMEMBER TO-MORROW!'

'ARRY ON 'ORSEBACK.

'Arnj. "WILL YKR HE s' GOOD'S TO RINO THAT BELL FOP. es, MISTER?
*Au<ihty StceU. " HAW THE ' SERVANTS' BELL,' OK COURSE!"

A-LiYlA

parting
.as, follotort t>8 t

ontoa

CK FOB 1874.

r la, n;

il a Spanglrt ;?|op,
, anli monti)0, am)
tfte toingrti strrts
)ug|)

, iv. ses.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1874.

r December If*. 19"3.

INTANGJ.BILIIY.

A FEW QUERIES.

Do you envy the Critic who has to read
t the new novels of the week ?
Do you envy the Official wh has to go
rough all the comedies, tragedies,
rces, melodramas, pantomimes, and
irlesques, which are brought out on the
age in the course of the year ?
Do you envy tho Householder who has
mltry to the right of him, dogs to the
ft of him, a street much favoured by
atermongers to the rear of him, and a
iano with a musical family opposite to
im?

Co you envy your neighbour DINNINO,
ith his four boys all at home for tho
hristmas holidays, and two young
lends with them?

Do you envy Princes, Policemen, Prime
linisters, Postmen, Editors, Head Mas-
ers, and Omnibus Conductors ?

THE OLD AND NEW YEAR.

As the days are getting in,
There are people who grow thin ;
Whilst the daj s are getting out,
Other people then grow stout.

A REAL HERO. Think for a moment of
;hat man's perils and adventures ! Tho
African trav eller cannot approach them:
the Arctic Explorer cannot hope to equal
them. He had sat upon thorns, stood
on the verge of a precipice, fallen be-
tween two stoola, been riveted to the
spot, gone through fire and water, flung
hiinself into the breach, raised a storm in
a teacup, bearded a lion in his den, taken
a bull by the horns, gone on wildgoose
chases, played with cdged-tools, cut off
his nose to spite his face, burnt his
fingers, stood between two fires, paved
the way, broken the ice, strained evny
nerve to raise the sinews of war, and lelt
no stene unturned to gain the summit of
his ambition. The last time we heard of
him, after running the gauntlet and
escaping from the horns of a dilemma, he
had been on tenter-hooks, and was then
preparing to jump out of the frying-pan
into the fire.

A YOUTHFUL ATTACHMENT. Ourgrccn-
grocer and head- waiter, who is an old
bachelor, confesses that he if as once in
love in his salad days.

HARMLESS."

Itf"" S.&' MA"' SHOOT' A SH E E N ', ! : BE *0 MUCKLr THE WAO. O> YE , ! "

O CHEKUBS D o VARA L A PICTUKK; BUT I OTU CARS

CHRISTMAS CARDS.
FdOM the KIMMERIDOES. with an in-
vitation to dinner, which the experience
of many winters tells you will be formal,
heavy, and tedious, mild in its menu,
and mysterious in its wioes.

From the DE BOYARDS, to an " At
Home," where you will meet with no
one you know, and from which you will
make your escape with relief.

From the long-established and oniy
genuine and autheniic Waits of the parit-h
of St. Maximus, soliciting you for some
small pecuniary compliment in return
for their musical services during the past
month.

From your Cousin in Norfolk (a post-
card), announcing that in consequence of
a mysterious disease which has made
great ravages amongst his Turkeys, he
will not be able to send you one this
Christmas.

From Aunt UGOATHORSE the relict of
vour Uncle JAMF.S (likewise a post-card;
to say that she intends coming over from
Dalston to spend the day and star all
night on Thursday, when you expect the
GRAN BY PALMERS and ten other people to

From the Incumbent of tlie Parish r.f
GraUhorpe, in Northumberland, asking
your kind assistance towards the restora-
tion of an ancient Campanile, tho only
known example of the Arabesque period
of architecture.

TEMPERANCE NURSERY RHYME.
CHARLEY loves g od milk and tea ;

CHARLEY loves good coffee ;
CHARLEY loves a pretty girl
As sweet as Evcrton Toffee.

DOMESTIC DISCORD. The clocks dif-
fered and were at sixes and sevens, the
fire-irons fell out the tongs being par-
ticularly noisy the bellows came to
blows, one table groaned and another
was in a roar, the doors were quita
unhinged, the kettle boiled over, and
the jams and preserves jarred with each
other.

UNCOMMOS Lusrs NATUH.E. An ele-
phant with two trunks arrives at the
Zoological Gardens.

IXecmbcr 18, 1873.)

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1874.

ANECDOTES OF THE CiRKAT.
IMMI:UMANN - disliked lioing left alone.
He was tlio life :ind soul of every partv
he entered, and sang a capital" comic
song.

OoramilOTO'l f:iv(ilirit(i cli.ili for supper
was tOMtod h*MO, Ho invari ibly wore
a sunflower in his button-hole.

lit'KKK composed The Sublime ami
Beitilti/id partly in the .laniaiua Coffee-
house, and partly when he \va> lu.lgin^
over .-i hair dresser's in Wixmorc Struct.
The pen with which ho wrote the last
sentence was long preserved l,y the hair-
dreMer'a descendants ; but, after the fall
of the wig. and before th,j rise of the
chignon, they b<v:mie cuil.aii,.
their circumstances, and parted with
this beirlooffi tu the agent uf an American
Museum.

KiiEiiBiiH-K THE GUEAT played the flute
very nicely, :md had an agreeable tenor
\ put,

liEETttovEX composed liU celebrated
Hctiphyaical Symphony in a flowered
dreatdng gown and embroidered smoking-
cap, with a bouquet of fresh Dahlias on
the harpsichord, a hedgehog in a basket
by the tire, and a man-servant in livory
in the antechamber.

GIBIION was remarkably superstitious,
and always carried a charm about with
him in his hat-box Wh.it Its nature was
it would he u?elesn to conjecture as he
threw it Into the Tiber on the cvo of his
feOcond marriage.

The fiuest collection of Autographs ever
formed was that belonging to DR. SOUTH.
At his sale it was bought by LORD NOUTH!
and, subsequently, it canto into the posses-
sion of IJENJAMiN WKST. It is no'.v the
property or a well-known collector in the
cast of England. Amongst the most
precious rarities are a holograph letter
trom MRS. GRUNDY she usually em-
ployed an amanuensis all about her
neighbours' affairs ; the signature of MR
.Ions (familiarly known as "J.v.i; ')
KOBIH8OH, appended to mi order for a
gallon of palm oil ; a cast in plaster of
FRIDAY'S mark on the sand; the .Ms ,,f
Mns. GLASSE'S celebrated receipt" First
patch your hare ; " and a letter written
by fl ILI.IAM PITT, when a boy at school
to his father (the Great EAHL OF CHAT!
HAM), begging that he would send him
a plum-cake and some sausage-rolls.
SIR JOSIICA REYNOLDS'S favourite ear-

trumpet has not boon heard of for many
years ; but, not long ngo, a packet of
snuff was found in a cupboard in what
used to bo his paintiiuj-rooni, in the
house he occupied in lied Lion Square,
then the most fas'hionablu quart, i of
Town. Untortunately. the Royal Ac. uli 'iny
let the opportunity slip of acquiring the
snuff, which got dispersed, and i now
irrecoverably lost.

It is always interesting to trace a
familiar phrase to its source. Thus in
Sin TUII.MAS Dimwx's studious habit" we
clcarlysee the oi: K in of .1 " brown study."

THOUGHT FOK THE TOILET.

PAINT, fair Creature, on the face,
Speaks the injudicious flirt.

Being matter in wrong place
PALMKRSTON'S account of dirt. <

In false colours a mistake
They commit the face who rig ;

For it* pigment doth partake
Of the nature of a pig.

Daub of crimson is a grace,
Ou fair cheek, to mental eye,

Such as to a nigger's face
DAY AND MARTIN would supply.

THE BLACK DIAMOND.

STUDS AND BUTTONS YOU HAVE, COCSIM CHARLES. la IT REAL COAL ! '
Ethel. " You EXPENSIVE CREATURE I WHY,' PAPA ONLY ALI.OWS us TO WEAR SiLKSTOXK ! "

THB VEGETABLE WORLD. There wa> a
stir in our garden the other day.

lie Potatoes were ready to jump out of
their skins. The Beet turned red to its
very roots. The Celery lost their head*,
and the Cabbages their hearts. The Peas
split their pods with excitement. The
Asparagus could with difficulty be kept
in its bed. The Parsley curled itself up
in a corner. The Cucumber alone main-
tained his habitual coolness. The cause
of all this commotion was the presence of
a noted Vegetarian. The Potatoes never
took their eyes off him.

A GREAT CURIOSITY. We are ac-
quainted with a Ritualistic young Lady,
who is fond of collecting seals, stamps,
monograms, devices, &.c. She is very
proud of her latest acquisition a fine
impression from the Seal of Confession.

GEOGRAPHICAL. The Society Islands
re in the Pacific Ocean ; the Good
Society Islands are much nearer home.

AN IMPOSSIBLE REQCTEST. To ask any
one to " stop a minute."

WITH A DIFFERENCE."

I ., T .!?" i .? "" MooK '? "o <-'CB MORE CHARMING ON THE WATER THAN ON SUOBE. DOX'T roc. DIAP '

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1874.

Doc mtxr ). 1

AN ADONIS.

Mn. Lovelace. " IT MUST BE A TERRIBLE THING TO BE TRIED BY A STRASOE JURY ! LOVELACE,

IN BOME FOREIGN LAND, HOW WOULD FOV ELECT TO BE TnlED!"

Mr. Lovelace. " En BY A JURY OF MY CovNTRr-trjJlKX, MY IOVE !

,. ,r TOU WE BE

FOR CONSPIRACY OR TREASON, OR SOMETHING

4 -'"

THROWN OUT.

Martrr of no,,nd, (to 0* Doctor, ,* rtfrt (i noted " Roortr "). ! f OT: MOVE A LITTLE FURTHER OFF WITH THAT BRASS BAND o' YOURS, SQUILL*. WF Miom HEAR

TDK HOI-ND8 ARK ! " . ____^ - - " "

December 18, 18J3.1

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOB 1874.

USITKD KINGDOM ALLIANCK (iLHF,

MVNllKKR VAN DUNK IICVCI' USd to get

flriiuk ;

He drutik toast-and water gaily ;
And be ijuunchcd liis thiivf, \vlioii itcamo

tu the wurxl ,

With sberbfet In tho summer daily.
Singing, " Nobur ;i Dutchman's draught

jOiMiilrt bo,
Though de<p ;i3 the rolling Zuydcr-J5ee."

Water, well mingled with sugar, good

store,

No Hollander d reams of scorning ;
But of spirits or beer ho drinks n<> iii'-n-
Than mine host supplies
Wh n ;i I'abnian cries
For his purl of a Sunday morning.
For a Dutohnum'a draught ^hu'dd

sober be,
Though deep as the rolling Zuyder-

GUIDANCE IN GALLANTRY. Novcr at-
tiaid any lady, to whom you think of
making yourself agreeable, to any play,
op.'ra or other performance, that you
want to hear. You cannot attend to both
It nml her. The same remark applies to
your plato before you on the dinner-
tablc and tho attraction at your side.
Horaovar. whenever you take the object
of yuur affections anywhere, in the hope
of Ncein;f or listening to anything; with
enjoyment enhanced by her society, be
always prepared fur the probability of
her being taken with an interesting in-
dlepoBltiiin,

CLKitnr AND CANNIBALS. We shudder
at the feasts of savages who devour mis-
sion tries, bur do not consider perhaps so
Bcriously as we might with what disgust
we ourselves may bo regarded by sumo
of onr neighbours, who, acquainted by
report only with our insular manners
and customs, are informed that the na-
tives.,) this island cat Bishops' Thumbs,
1'arson*' XOSCK, and r, ]ius' Eyes.

WKOXO COLOURS. Black books, black
looks, blacklegs, blue devils, blue ruin,
rcil noses, red tape, greyimres, white lies,
white feathers, white squalls, greenbacks,
(reonbonu, and tho green-eyed monster.

WOMAN'S WORK IN THE CHDRCH. Em-
broidery, bouquets, and Kitualists' stoles
COJKIS, and petticoats.

THE WONDERS OF THE DEEP.

UlD HlRRlNS SWIMMtN 1 ABOUT

EL?

AMIABLE OLD GENTLEMAN.
MANY Irippy N.; . Voars
Mo you wish me, my dears?
w lean bappy not only, but m.mv

i.ot fcwr

Don't caiv when you come in
For the old Pogyi tin ?
!''" *'" ry umiclfish oi

you.

TIIK VI,M, n nutttuu. ihosaborn

on the first I

well a.s on :.!! other days in any ninnih D|
the year, will bo ijai.v i,, ,...,i,is, if th,. v
mt a longtime in i ,i r ,.r io

damp clothes. Let th<'m -hun d.ahn-s
with paten; i meimo-

nsto, medium*, f..rtune tellers, a>tn,-
and old humbugs.

To POACH Ecr.s. Put on a suit of black,
a 1, mad brimmed hat, an. I a pi:i ,,t

l.n ; sliiijf a wallet at your back
take a walking-cane in your hand, to
Into the wooiN, liotanise, ]i-it into your

all the plants y.ii jiick, and all
the pheasants' ;.nd paitrirfges' i
find ill your way into your pod.

A HEASXINAHI.K QUOTATION. All tho
Editor* of OKAY have most nn.ccountal.lv
fail, d to perc.ivc that in the lino wliuio
he speaks of "tho Weights, that plav In-
low," the true reading must be " W ill "

PLUCKY ANSWER. Examiner What
was Ai.cniMha.Ks's Screw? Candidate
An unsound, broken-down horse, want inj;
whip and spur to make him go, that
AHCHISIKDK.S was Hat enough to buy.

METRICAL IDEALISM. On the birthday
of ALEXANDRA, Princess of Wales, the
Poet Laureate will perhaps compose an
Ode in Alexandrine verses.

PRISON Tuot-GiiT. " When's a Chris-
tian," said a Poacher in gaol to Mmself,
" sarved tbc same as a hare ? When he 's
jugged, like I bo."

HLNTIMENT KOR WINTER. The Old
Woman about this time may be expected
to Pick her Goose ; may the fall of euow
be unaccompanied by a rise in coal.

VKRB. "To Live" lias but one tense
the Impcrf ct.

TIIK WEST SMI:LLI.NQ BOTILFS. Old
P. rt Wine.

J/r. Howard Talbot Percy de Ponionbi/ Jones. " WHAT!

TOO SHOCKING TO THINK OF.

' Mr DK., R LORD VOLAUYEKT ! SKJVTT WITHOUT BIRTH OR BREBDIXGI WBT. THE TBIXB-S IMPOSSJHT* "

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1871.

[December 18, 1873'

^ c "= f

5 5 "2 1
|f | |

o- |

8 I # T
III t

111

5 4s <-3

O) (U >-

-S 5 'o

^ e i

sin

r 17. 1874.)

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1875.

AFFECTION'S OFFEHIXU.
FHOM our Uncles and Aunts

Wti indulge uXpcrt:l'in!i-i;

Tlu-y nm~t. lOOner -<r l.'it r,

leave money behind
M my li i]']>y new v

our rich old relations :

Though \ve ltn|i" in tli'-ir

V. Ill . lll.lt tlit-y 'Vt: In. I'll':

us in mind.

TilKIil \A rrit.U. !

TOUS \Vli-itevcr

iu the Munici-
pal liiivoriiMHsiit. of l.<iinl<ni,

( '.illllni -VIS VV'lil

continue tn 1

illti;l I'StS (if those illdlist! i-M IS

p-rsi.ns \vlii> depend i ]>'.n
i : thtir

Ai.\ in; TO C!IRLS If you
\vi-ili to a(']i MI- to adv.'in
t;i'f ', m:ilu; a sjx.'.-i-h ;U the
S.n'i il Ejclonce ' 'U .
bnhalf of Women's

' iy .i-liuircsthet'huuk
of Beauty.

NURSKRY RHYMES FOU

THE TIMES.
WfiRS Kducatinn
Has so inipriA-i:.! tlio Xation
That every child is ratli-T
Mure wise than its father.

BABY'S ALPHABET.
ABC Baby loams at Three

weeks ;

DE Fat Six, when bespeaks;
CJ II I at i\ Month, when he

talks ;

J K L at Two, wlien he walks ;
M N O at Four, when he runs ;
PQ Hat Six, wbenhcpuns;
S T U at Kiht, wlioii ho

teaches ;
V W X At Ton, when ho

preaches;
Y / at Twelve, when the scope

of his knowledge is
As wide as the whole wide

rmind of the ' Holies.

January xxxi Days.

February xxviii Days

8 r. 8h 8m 175;

M iMa.rv T* 15

M '. Uii*

8 i. 4li.Om.lR

M 1 1 vt ! -T. d.

I -. S r 7h.4fhnMft

T BrM -'

8S nf Clif. IP Tu Wtt b.

W ^ 41. Mlm 1;

W Kn>v.iWk

S-M^O.I-. <

W F.t.i-n

H li. C.lpi I 1'

l.uil.rr .1

..Mtk v d -M

Tli A fan

, r.i<t. If

Coper die 1,

Hum* di,rt

Wm. Pi U d

I 8. ID I

i . \ v h. t

fif ijf L>.,

h"Tu)n

Huin.T^

T>. 8l.r.. 1 u

SirJ Ry.

1 ,.f Kpip. 2f

l!.ii( dic

W Aii \V*<I.

Mkltlliil

<',!. c.pit

C' \\',r..

PrMcotl d.

Y ic.Ilini d

T. MIMM-*

< ..,,..,>,.

'-'7

'J Tmri

Tl.

Oif F..T.Y. H'

'l.ii I.l.l.d.

s nktaUM

S JS S. ID L*

Oraini pVi s

> i >(. S*.

AQUAHIUS.

PISCES.

80OTH8AYINQ FOR

BAILORS.
i v from fowls of :ilr
Bock to Tuscan i

Birds in Ft- bniary pair :
No\vthfi,, skippers, cboofl

v.iii '.:

I IMIM I'KI .un-rios.-
Sr \ .. I,, is:

..it :i Sinnliy, M
V il< ntJHf uill con-

llti: r.

in th': Country on

inoi nin^, and another on tli

f..llvwii,K Moi.da. for tlioc

\vlio will Ktt tla-ni in T.AM

lixti.i wutU f.,r Postnicn i

UM rural diitrloU on

i'-ry iiiuoug tU

A . i , WILL CASE.-
.nt the Will of

< :.sl.t.l :in irisli (,.u
if Ijc knew the lat

i !" PAT thought t<
a few seconds, and tliLit i.
I'll. 1, "Sure, Son-, tliu eai
lieftt later is the lit
but the lost I planted t' othc
day was the luleft tuttr.
1I- evidently understood tli
subject.

NURSEKV RHYME F01

THE TIME.
BYK, BAB? BUXTINO,
Daddy 'H gone a-huutlng
On the Stock Exchange, t

catch

Borne one who ia not hi
match ;

If he has luck,
As well as pluck,
A coach he '11 very likely wl
Tu ride his BABY BUNTING in

A SAFE PRECAUTION. N
boating party should be with
out a Luwyer. In case o
accident, ho is the man fo
bailing out the water.

JLlLm XHAAJUVWflbA

Firsl FaHenper (afRMt Parvm, v-lia at if at/l travels Third Clan). "O YES, I've xori'ir. [AW
Second Pastenytr. " Via, SIR; so JIAVY PEOPLE YER SEE, SIB, WHOSE POSITION is SOCICTY
CLASS WITHOUT LOSS o' RESPECTABILITY!"

THE RAILWAY CLASSES.

Y A GRKVT MANY RKSPECTAB:. PrrtPT.F IN TIIK3K CARRIAGES."
AIN'T SO WELL DKflNKD AS YUbKd AN' MINE ARE, CAN'i AKKOP.D TO TRAVEL TfllR]

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1875.

[TVcfmbcr 17 1874.

K, InTI

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1875.

WARNING TO THE NEWLY-MARRIED.

" WlluSK 1'I.I.MI- 'ICKLE PARTRIDGE IS 'OO?" " OORS ! HUBBY'S ! ! "

[Our Bmlulor Friend in the Ul>ttr coat, who overhears tliis frayiaenl of dialogue CM lie awaket from hit ilumberi, it mucA interested to learn tlte kind of talk nev-married folk indulge in tent/
they tltixk tltenttelvts wiltuml.

A DISAPPOINTMENT.

'lT'd A LOVELY DOLL, DEAR GRANDPA AND GRANDMA BCT BUT I 'l> BEEN HUP1NU IT WOL'LD BE

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1875.

[December 1?, 1

PROGNOSTICS OF

SPRING.
IN M;irch the Violct'a dark

blue

Suggests the chance of Ox-
ford's crew.
And Iio who casts aloft his

eye
Reads Hi.it of Cambridge in

th Sky;

Provided always that is clear,
So tluttiisazure doth appear.

Two THINGS AT ONCE.
The Barber who shaves a
Friend may !; sii.l at tho
same time to be scraping an
acquaintance.

NURSERY RHYME FOR
THE TIME.

BAH ! bah ! Blackshecp,
What are you ab >ut?

Bringing- scandal on your

kind
By being found out !

Dressed in a white fleece,

All yuu h.id to do
Was to mind your black fleece

Did not show through.

Folks that get fouud out,
Prove there by they 're belt;

Bib ! bah ! Blacksheep,
You deserve your fate.

SIGNS OF THE SEASON-.
Towards the end of April
the Swallow and Cuckoo
make their appearance, and,
according to the old song,
simultaneously with the song
of the latter bird tho Deer
"verteth." It may or may
not be that other bunks will
Vert also.

1 Is. Of all men Doctora
and Lawyers ought to take
the most interest in the Fairy
Queen La Reine dts Ffa.

SONGS IN SEASON.

'Mir> April's showers the fea-
thered songsters gush.

Wore wet foreboding bings
the Missel-thrush ;

No bird of passage, as his
name suggests.

The Hooks keep cawing from
their lofty nests.

The Chiff-chaff and the Chaf-
finch have begun,

In different styles of song, to
poke their fun.

NEW REGULATION. At all
future Horse Shows, out of
deference to the feelings of
a large and influential section
of society, "duns" will be
excluded.

FOR

NURSERY RHYME

THE TIME.
PAT-A-CAKE, pat-a-cake,

Ma'am, if you can ;
If you want pastry,

There 's no other plan.

You can't expect Cook

To make pastry, when sho
Is working to pass
or an M. A. degree.

For

ARIES.

TAURUS.

THE FESTIVAL OF ALL
FOOLS. It is proposed to
celebrate the First of April
by a United Demonstration
on the part of the various
Societies for minding other
people's business, and pro-
moting fudge. The United
Kingdom Alliance, the Good
Ternplais, the Anti-Tubacco
Society, the British National
Association of Spiritualists,
and a great many frequenters
of the Social Science Con-
gress are invited to assemble
in their thousands in honour
of ihe day, and vociferate at
the Crystal Palace.

THE GOURMAND'S MONTHLY MENU.

JANUARY.
I^ow are in season all the game

That haunted Noah's Ark :
The fragrant truffle for the sains.

And sweet, if small the lark !

FEBRUARY
No matter upon what one dines

In such a mouth as this is,
Whose bill of fare (8t Valentine's)

Is bread and cheese and kisses.

MARCH.
Thi* is the mouth when hares grow mad

For no apparent reason :
But yet the gourmand may be glad,

There's sparrow-grass in season.

APRIL.
Limb, mint, green peas, fine tastes to win,

This mouth's muiiu purvey.
Its first should bring the white-bait in,

\s its last brings iu May.

MAY.

Now como the trout, tho quails, the
flowers,

And all the world's bucolic :
O may there como no linKerin^ showers

To spoil our Derby frolic !

JUNE.
joyous June ! thou month so nice,

We'll see the emerald grass cu*.
And tempt red lips with strawberrv ice,

Upon the lawns of Ascot

JULY.

'Neath greenes*: trees PPXCH seeks to shun

His friend Ap -No's anger,
While JUDY ices Badminton

To cheer him in his linguor.

AOOtBT.
Hail to the grouse ! The Cession ends ;

Tis gmmon all, and apimcli.
What day will Dizzy treat his friends,

To large white-bait at Greenwich ?

SEPTF.NfBER.

Even as the partridge reaches us,

The weather oft grows moist er :
But wherefore grieve that "this is thus"

While the month brings the oyster ?

OCTOBER.
O russet month of bright decayl

If fine, thou 'rt not unpleasant :
Too oft thr skies are misty-grey

But thou bring'st "cock *' and pneasant.

NOVEMBER.
Reynard for hounds oft proves a match,

The sly brown-coated sinner!
Ride straight, one thing you're sure to

catch
An appetite for dinner.

DECEMBEB.

ving Christmas comes, too well we know
His true bills, and sham laughter ;

Turkey, plum-duff, mince-pies and. 0!
The indigestion after !

CLAIRVOYANT CHRONOLOGY'.

1SV5. Act passed for the benefit of
brutes who beat their Wives.

1876. A marked decrease is notfd in
the noble sport of Wife beating, owing to
thu civilising influence of the Cat.

1880. Startling discovery of a foot-
warmer, furnished giatis by the Com-
pany, in an English Third-class Carriage.

!*!>:>. Painting of our new Law Courts,
and costly whitewashing of the facade of
our noble National Gallery.

1883. Consequent increase of a penny
in our Income Tax.

1885. Amendment of the Education
Act, and general establishment of good
Free Schools of Cookery.

1S90. Temple Bar tumbles down, and
is then put up to auction, and purchased
for addition to the Waxwork Show in
Baker Street.

1808. The decoration of St Paul's is
perfected, and grumbled at.

I'.iQO. Mi: Punch delights the world
with the Sixtieth of his Almanacks,

THE SWELL'S STORY.

little HarnWow (nf the W. X. T. Y. C. , wlio had bern to Xarway in his Yachl\ " IT BLEW A
HURRICANE, LADIES, FROM THE SOD'- WEST ! SEA MOUNTAIN'S man ! BUT, LASHED TO THE
MAST. I SKIZED THE HELM. AND UROACHKD HER TO BEAUTIFULLY, AND AWAY SHE FLKW
BEFORE THE WIND DOWN THE NORTH SEA, AND BROUGHT UP HERE LAST XlGHT AT SIX
BELLS ALL STANDING ! "

TENDERNESS FOR THE BIIUTE CREATION-.
A good old Knfilish squire ;md M.I'. 1 1 ,
having happened to read COLEKIDRE'S
Aiitint Mariner, said if anyone got bur-
dened with a guilty conscience by only
shooting an Albatross, what remorse
must perpetually prey upon the man who
has shot a Fox !

ABERRATION OFlXTELLEcT. A Member
of the Anti-Tobacco Association, who ia
also a Good Templar, making a speech,
s:iirl, in an exacerbation of Insanity, that
Tobacco might begin with T, but was it
not, in almost all cases, accompanied
with intoxicating liquor?

RIDDLE FOK THE SK .-K-RooM. When is
a cake like an invalid?
When it is Seedy.

December 17, 18M.1

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOK 1875.

POETRY OP THE
PLAJ7BT&

'f tho St;irfl f<'i' M iy
Tilings i.f KMI-KKUH WII.UAM

s; L y,
An-striVs Kiwer, aud the

POPK ;
But s]>oak neither foar nor

hope

As t.i tin- ]iivili-,tiii< i >l li'il'M-
T)ia< ' to win tlio Derby

oon

Sa<l to tfuido Turf fears aud
ho0a,

iavo uu horuscopc-s !

Mutuv MAV Mcrrijms.
The various TeinjHjrance So-
eiutu's meet in Exetrr H;dl,
and St. James's. They ro-
Holvo upon tho adoption of
.i ma- form of Pledge to
abstain from all manner if
Ho-.-r aud Spirits, and to
drink nouo whatever except
dry Wines,

FOR

NURSERY RHYME
THE T1\1K.

DlUKOHY DlCKOHY DOCK

Of old ships had a nturlc,
With rottt'ii bruun
And ill-corked aeams,

Had DICKORY DioKouv DOCK.

DfCKORY DlCKORY DOCK

Selected from his stock
The worst that ho
Could sund to so i

Insured, did DICKORY DOCK.

DICKORY DiCKonv DOCK

Felt (juito a pleasant shock
\\ hen ships and men
Wore lost, for thun

Ho gained, did UICKORY
DOCK.

;Y DICKORY Do. K

1 la- i'.v viu-tly on his stock,
Till, one fine day,
In its sharp way,

'Hi- i.iw tackled DICKOUY
DOCK.

. li.n d.
W J. toll b.

0. M.v D.
V O/. B. T
S Oi/.TrT.i
~ Whii*.,B.

11 i*.
.(. Ir.
H. P.UM,O

U, cbut.

B. l'rd.

n runf

GEMINI.

CANCER.

MVKETS OP 8UMMKH
O STRAWiilRRitu and Cream

i if the wcclest and riohot

quality,
la my Midsummer Night'a

(lru:un,

My Midsummer Day'i reality!

LOCAL I'KCI'LIAIilTlES.

AT Hi W.. n tl.i-y i.l-:.yljit
the riklit n ill ni, ! : > i,. .< i

At Bolton i

c who run up tick*
t bolt oir.

At Bnidstidr tin-
n. MM inn for stout viMitom is

llllli V :.

At Cok-liuntcr tbey are nil
n.itivefl,"

At Coventry, ti.>
*;ty, they can furnish IM> >.ta-
tiBticn u! the number of )K r-
s-.iis who huve lx:tn *^-ut
tljcie.

At Kidderminster there is
curtain to lie noincthin^ fic^h
on the fa pi'.

At Liverpool they uro ex-
tr- inoly oithodi.ckx.

If you writu to Ntwcastle
(Staffordshire) tike
under Lynu the aiM

At Newmarket they take
]tirticul:.r inUrcst iu the
question of races.

At Portsmouth everything
is ahip-sh:i].

At llye you will meet none
hut Rj'e faces.

At Sheffield you will al-
ways find a knife and fork
laid for you.

GARDESINO is JI-NE. You
ore told to " propagate
Heart's e.ivi and \Vnllfluweis
hy cuttings." But fcuicly
Wallnowors have lieen cut
enough already, and tuttiiif 3
propagate not heartViutu
but heartbuniings.

A NICK SIUUER RESORT.
The Biiq>io counLi-y.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS FOR
NAVAL CADETS.

(3. WHAT should be done with a ship's
centre of gravity?

A. Coil it like an ordinary rope and
stmv it away iu tho hold. (Set REED
C'.li, M.I'.)

C Wuuro is tho best positioa for the
compass ?

A. Ne.ir the heaviest anchor. (See
FAHADAV)

Q. How do you ascertain tho liiiT.iKr
of knots run over tha " m<nred niil.i " ;

A. Tie its many knots a.s yuu c in in a
tape yard measure, and multiply by 1700.
(Her OocKBiaad Co:

Q. When the Captain makes it " I'i,'ht
Ik'lls" what is tho proper course to toko!

./ Kin M r a triple bob major. (Sfc any
tfenii'foit Camoanology.)

V. What are tho proper and most im-
proving acquaintances for the ca.l who
Qiognoi s the name of earlet?

A. The gunner') daughter and the
boatswain's cat. (. CAPTAIN MAKKVAT,

NURSERY RHYME FOR THE TIME.

NEEDLES and Pins ! Needles and Pins !
A Man must not marry for Noodles and
I'ius !

Wlnt e in i Wife who 's at loist a B. A.
Know about Sawing or Buttons to-day?

Hu\v ean a Wife who Six bunjv ages knows
BJ oxpocted to know how to dam her
owu hose ?

* and Pi'.n ! Xuedles an.l Pins !
When a .Man marries Learuing, his know-
ledge begins.

A IriXT FROM THE OUSTLEMEN. Should

. eontintiD to wa ir loni; evening
drossoa, it will become absolutely neces-
sary to copy the nlim adopted on railways,
anl display thi* notice, in conspicuous
lefters, in our ball-rooms and drawing-
rooms" Beware of the Trains ! "

WIIF.S La Filll lie Madaiat Aiignl want
to Spain and assumed the costume and
manners of the country, what was her
favourita dance?

Evidently the Fan d'Angot.

A PROHIBITIONIST ISLAND Unhant,

THE SAILOR'S VERSION.

Old Suiting Matter. " URRICANE'? ! WK 'D A LIGHT AIR o* WIICD OFF YARMomr.
LASHRD TO THE MAST'? M'KI.L, ALL I KMOW is, WHEN I WEST BELOW TO AST roa THE
BRANDY BOTTLE, THK QVV'WOR H ONLY P'WTED!"

NURSERY RHYME FOR THE TIME.

HITSH a-1 >yc, Buhy, and leave all to me ;
That you re well cared for your Mauimie

\*i\\ see ;
Sleep then, my darling, in peace, for '.o

sure
You shall never be married to one who is

poor.

Carriages, diamonds for bosom and ear,
Jointure at least of three thousand

a-ycar
All these shall be yours, my sweet Baby,

ne'er doubt ;
Sleep, sleep, then, in peace, while dear

ilitnimie looks out 1

NEW "ACT OF UNIFORMITY "

ALL Gentlemen to wear white l..rs in
hot weather.

All Ladies to take lessons at the School
ot Cookery.

All Champagne at dinner - parties,
dances, wedding breakfasts, &c., to be of
foreign growth.

All Speeches and Sermons to be dutin-
guishea for their brevity.

All Majors and Corporations to abstain
from presenting addict, .

All Heads of Households to take their
wives and farnilirs to the sea-side some-
time between July and October.

All Umbrellas on loan to be faithfully
restored to then- owner".

All Cabmen to lie cartful, eivil. aud
scrupulously collect in then- charges.

All Haircuttcrs to preserve silenre
during the operation.

All the out-door statues in London to
be removed.

All Fees at Theatres to be abolished.

All street organs, street singers, street
tumblers, and street beggars, to be put
down.

All flirtations to be steruly discounte-
nanced.

All Domestics to remain at leaist one
year in their places, if required by their
Masters and Xlistressea.

All Civil Servants to have their ea!a> ics
raised.

All Acts of Parliament to be word<d
intelligibly.

All smoking by young men under four-
teen years of age to be strictly prohibited.

All" Christmas Hampers to be prepaid.
ATI ponona to buy Fnmk'i

PUNCH'S ALM

THE TRANSIT OF

FOR 1875.

17. 1874.

US. December 9, 1874.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1875.

[December 17, 1874-

DOGGKREL FOB TEIE

DOG-DAYS.
EVERY D( has his day :

Dog rojicu in the light.
A3 the Mouse in her p7,

Every Cat lias her night

HEIOIIO ! Whether she
took an overdose liy mtatako,
,,,. commitl I Biiloido, it is
liDpoufbla .it this di .' m o
( i[ lini.-t" lay, ind, itnagvy

enough ''I !'"

ti.inari. saw Jtogethersilent

on the Miliji..-t ; l.ut there
i-llinot lie a Mia.low of :l

,l.,nl.t about it lo died of
potissiuin

Tl'RSIXfl THK TV

Conjuror* say they are n>
Spiritualists. Spiritualists
protest that they ale no Con-
Jurors.

PROVKRBIAI. Pun
_ I'arall.-l t.i Pearl* licforo
swim' : Diaiivn I- rili^' lit
PILJS' Noses.

NURSERY RHYME FOB

THE TIME.
WILLIE boy, WILLIK l>ny,

where arc you Koing ?
I shall (to with you. You

nee t not sav Xay.
I 'm goinx to Tjccture PRO-

FESWIR Miss GLOWIKC,
On Morbid Anatomy lec-
tures to-day.

WILMB boy, WILLIE boy, that
is delightful I

Let us make haste ! Xow
you need not look liippM:
The Girl who thinks MurUd
Anatomy frightful

Deserves for her f>lly at
least to be whipp'd.

WHAT EVERY Ot.n TJP.II vrv
CONTAINS. Plenty of d:-y
" rot."

ASPIRATIONS FOR

AUGUST.

THE Houses rise ; the Ses-
sion 's o'er ;

Now welcome the Recess.
May taxes not have been

made more,
And liberty made less.

DID YOU EVER?

DID y.u CV'IT kimw a winy
person who liked having his
hair cut '.'

Did you ever know a Man
who was not delighted at
beiiiK excused from serving
on a Jury ?

Did you ever hear of a
Will which k r ave complete
satisfaction ?

Did you ever publish a
little volume of Poems and
find it turn out a profitable
it ion?

Did you ever pay your
Rates and Taxes with cheer-
liil alacrity *

Did you ever " Spend a
Happy Day?"

Did you ever experience
the joy of an unexpected
Legacy'?

Did yuii ever hoar a Bul-
bul?

And, Ladies-
Did you ever know a Dress-
maker who could make you
a dress, at the very earliest,
before the week after next?

SMALL TALK FOR SOCIETY.
Sofas are said to Lave been
invented by the Lollards.
However, it appears that the
Ottomans were beforehand
with them.

"Do you Beat your Car-
pets?" You do. Very good:
if it eases your nasty temper,
continue to boat them ; it 'a
In'ttfi- than beating your
wife.

ACUTE CHINAMANIA.

May. "MAMMA ! MAMMA ! no.vr GO ON LTKB THIS, p/MI'.'.'"

Mamma (who has smashed ajavourite pot). "WHAT HAVE I GOT LKFT TO LIVE FOR?'*

May. "HAVEN'T YOU <;or MF, MAMMA?''

Mamma. " Yov t CHILD! YoU'RS NOT UNIQUE 1 1 THERE ARK Six or YOU A OOMPLBTS S*rM"

December 17, 1874.1

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1875.

AUTUMNAL KLOQUENCE.
Or long debates wo "vc seen

the worst ;

X-AV follows scientific pat-
ter.
Query if we were better for

the first,

Oraro liko to be wiser for
the hitter.

" Do you want Luxuriant
Hair arid Whiskers?" You
do? Tlieu unless Nature
works a lailMclc in your bo-
lull', you'll never get thi-m
by usiir; Hun's KapiUflronl-
ean Prodiu-ive 1'oniatum.
Sold everywhere.

FOR

NURSKRY RHYME

THE TlMlv
Srr-'iAW. MARfiKKY DAW,
Worked hard at College, and

then studied Law ;
Called lu tho Bar, her inten-
tion 's to bo
First mi a Circuit and, next,

aCJC. ;
In due course, a Judye : so

escaping the bother
Of the paltry vocations of
Wilo and of Mother.

PROFESSIONAL RECREATION.
Our Dentist went to the
Alps this last summer on a
holiday tour, but he could
lint leave business behind
him ha sealed several
mountains in the teeth too
of great difficulties.

ANF.CDOTEOF A SAINT. St.
Olave had no children. The
wits of the period greatly
regretted this, as it deprived
them of the opportunity f
inquiring after tho young
Olave branches.

A GOOD Dm. If your Gar-
dener turns out dishonest,
call him tho Knave of Spades.
An unsafe card.

TIIF, BAGMAN'S BAG.
HARK how the Cockney
^poitsman dmpu

tehes o'er tho glades

,
But, at hen pheasant* though

ho pops,

Your 'AKRV never drop*
his n's.

IOK

11 S

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LIBRA.

SCOBPIO.

TREHISTOniC I.OXCON.

Home A have

discovered an analogy bc-

1 \v< i n Hie Druidical worship
iul .ifoini "f ^(-initic idola-
try. It has been surmised
that tLc Old Bailey dcriTM
its name from having Vxjen
the site of a temple of Baal.

POETBT or NATURE. In

th. middle < f Winter vege-
tation sometimes assumes a
more ]>oetical aspect than it
ever presents in Spring.
During a severe white frost
the twigs of all the treo
sometimes appear entirely
covered with rime.

FORTUNATE MAS ! SHOP-
PING, whose donicslic rela-
tions are not of tin >r.|'i>i.>t
character, says he only uiivn s
the POPE for one reason he
cannot have a Mother-in-luw.

JI-STICE TO LADIES. Of all
Woman's Rights the most
valuable is tbe rit,'bt to prac-
tir-c as a Physician. What
patient could ever refuse a
fee to a female t

TRUE HISTORY or WHIT-
TINOTOH. He was tha first
Magistrate of London who
introduced the Cat for jfarot-
ten.

MYTHOLOGY AND FACT.
The River Pactolus flowed
with gold. The River Plate
flows with gravy. .

POPULAR ETYMOLOGY. A
Son of a Gun. The Woolwich
Infant.

CHRONIC CHINAMANIA (INCTJKABLE).

Pal! Sutlli'. 'ii:rt. "TlHS IS THE CREAM OF MY COLLECTION, LA1HFS AND GKNTLE11EN. IT Is QUITE TjNI^UK. IT WAS MADB BY THE F.ML'iWBROOK POTTERY TIIVT WA3 STARTED
IN 1S70. IT TOOK THKM TlIUKR YEARS TO PRODUCE -J HIS PLATE, THEIB ONLY ONE, AND THEN AND TUKN

Ruddy PhitMive. "AND THEN THEY sill'T up, I SUPPOSE?" Pale Enthusiast. " ER YES : "

Jiifldy Philiitiat. "AND I DON'T WONDEH I 1 "

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1875.

ASTRONOMICAL OBSERVATIONS.

MARS is the warlike Planet. It is odd, therefore, to find
that '' Mars is retrograde when in opposition, "which implies
that if a man were born under the influence of the Planet
Mars, he would run away in battle.

Venus is the most beautiful of all the Planets, yet in her
transit, in the full light of the Sun, she appears to be merely
a black spot The Moral for all Venuses is evident. Verb.
tup.

Jupiter's Satellites revolve about him at different dis-
tances, and are subject to being
ucvMsi"iially eclipsed.

Jupiter is a noble Planet ; but
what a set of snobs his Satellites
must be.

Saturn shines with a pile dead
light. Compared with J'ipiter,
be is nowhere. Yet he has double
the number of Satellites that
Jupiter has. This is accounted
for by the e; sclusiven ess of the
circle in which Jupiter moves.
If Jupiter's Satellites are snobs,
Saturn's arc both snobs and iiliuts.
His Koval Highncss's Groom of
the Backstairs has more toadies
about him than has His Koyal
Highness himself.

CREMATION QUERIES.

MIGHT not the sight of our friend's ashes grate on our
feelings ?

1"
rei;

Ought "prodigal heirs ro be allowed to disperse the
" dust " lefc behind by their ancestors?

Would not the ashes of a fine old crusty uncle be appro-
priately consigned to a bottle that once held Sandeman's
port?

Might not the preservation of the urns of cantankerous
latious perpetuate family jars?

NURSERY RHYME FOR THE

TIME.

Sing a Song of Sixpence
Made into a Pound,
Any way,
Every day,
All the year round.

When your Pounds are many,
Make them make you more ;

Do not atop,

Keep your shop
Going as before.

Never leave off making
Money while you can :

" I have most ! "

Prouder boast
Can there be for man ?

THE BEST LHBRICATOR FOR
RAILWAY CARRIAGE WHILELS,
Train OIL

ART CRITICISM. In too many
pictures the colour is Medi-
ocre.

THE " MOTHERBANK." The
Bank of England.

THE SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC.

"Beer is King."
ARIES, the RAM, sells ALLSOP in

the Skies.
TAURUS, the BDLL, the Gods with

BASS supplies.
GEMINI, TWINS, have Double X

on sale.

CANCER, the CRAB, keeps CROW-
LEY'S Alton Ale.
LEO, the LION, offers London

Stout
VIROO, the VIRGIN, WATNEY &

Co. serves out
LIBRA, the SCALES, to Stogrnmber

inclines.
SCORPIO, the SCORPION, most in

Stingo shines.
At CAPRICORN Uangollen is In

draught
In SAGITTARIUS Scotch is chiefly

quaffed.

AQUARIUS is aTemperance Hotel.
PISCES in every kind of drinks

excel.

MEMS. BY A CHINAMANIAC.

Mem. The Man in the MIH-II
has telegraphed to say that he is
comiug in the middle of next
week to see my Chelsea Shep-
herdess.

J/eiii. Not to let her flirt with
him more than I can help.

Mem. Old JAWKINS declares
that he can prove that the Great
Wall of China is not Oriental, but
was really baked at Lowestoft.

jtftttt. Bet him that his proofs
will show he is half-baked.

if m. Not to let that dealer
in Old Worcester give me any
more of his Old Worcester Sauce.

FIRESIDE GAMES.
THE great want at Christmas is Fireside Games. One

very g<>od one is to bring into tho Drawing-room a quantity

of snow, and, sitting down before the fire, set to work to

make fire-proof snowballs.
Some litile knowledge of Chemistry is required for this ;

but perhaps the less the better.
'J he Trick Hat is funny too. Take a Visitor's hat, the

better the h:it the better the trick. Place it on a chair.

Cover it with a cloth. If there are plenty of people playing
with you, you can ask one of
them to be King, and then let
him At on the hat ; or if you are
all alone, jou will sit on it your-
self, and say, "Now I am King."
You can repeat this as often as
you like to. The finish of tho
game is real fun, for in this, of
cmir.se, you will be joined by tho
Visitor himself. This part of the
" Trick Hat Game " is most
amusing. The Visitor searches
for bis hat everywhere, never
suspecting for a minute that it
i* under the cloth on the chair.
When he gets wurm, you will
try to divert his attention ; but
when he gets absolutely hot (as
lie is pretty sure to do) then it is
best to run away us quickly as
possible, and hide somewhere.

The Moral of this amusing and
instructive game is, "Hide or
you '11 be Hided."

Another capital Game is tho
Fgg in the Tail-coat Pocket.
This is a companion to the Sum-
mer Game of the Ripe Straw-
berry and the White Duckp.
This last is most simple. In-
duce someone to we:r while
ducks, i.e., white trowsers. Put
a Strawberry on a chair without
his having seen it. While engaged
in conversation with a third party
push the chair towards him, and
politely request him to sit down.
He will wonder what has hap-
pened ; you won't.

The Stickler. Take a good thick
stick, or a sharp switch, and hit
somebody till he laughs. When
he laughs, he loses the Game,
nnd you go in. This also is
simple. A cane will serve all tho
purpose.

NURSERY RHYME FOR THE
TIME.

THERK was a Man of Ncwington

And he was wondrous wise,

He failed for Twenty Thousand

Pounds
To everyone's surprise.

But after that he did not do
As he had done before,

He failed, as quickly as he could,
For Forty Thousand more.

AN ALARMING INTRUDER.

Little Soldwiff (he had been dininq with his C>
Slranyer he finds in his hall). "

en dining with his Company, an<t ha-l let himself in with his latchkey to Gigantic
TOME ON-. I'LL FIGHT YOU ! " (Furiously.) '"PUT YOUR SHTICK DOWN!!"
I Rut hi* imagbutryfi* was only the new Umbrella-Stand a present from Mrs. B. !

MIXING TIP THINGS. It was a

very pardonable confusion of
ideas in a Lady, who gave up
much of her time and thoughts
to dress and novcl-n :nling, to
say that she had been delighted
with " The Princess of Tulle."

SCIENCE MADE EASY. Go to a

County ball, and mark how the
little people are all attrnrt' 1 '! l>y
the great people, if you wish to
understand what niagimfeisin is.

REFLECTION ON A PLATA m>.
" Chops and steaks on the short-
est notice " better still, on ilnj
gridiron.

CHRISTMAS GAME FOR MR.
GLADSTONE. Pope.

"SOCIAL PRESSURE." Shaking
hands.

SPECIAL TRAINS. Very long
dresses.

Mem. To find out somebody who will publish my Con-
ftuvrn* of a Crackle China Teacup.

baatnOe^Mart. 1 d n>t forget to finish the first chapter ere I
*fMi.The best cement for mending broken China is

composed of masted snowballs, mixed with roes of Robin

Redbreasts and pettitoes of Eels.
J/ftu. Mind I go next week to CRUSTY'S, and buy a lot of

Teapots at twenty pounds a-piece.
3/)i. When I've bought them brin thm

put them out of sight

.
bought them, bring them home and

A THOUGHT IN OXFORD STREET. The Poet is not alone in
his use of "apt alliteration's artful aid." The spirited
Draper relies equally on its subtle influence when he allures
the public, by the medium of large placards, to his " Sum-
mer sale of surplus stock."

A DISTINCTION WITH AN IMMENSE DIFFERENCE. The
Local Board is only to be found in some towns : the locally
bored in all.

MATERIA MUSICA. A Lady being asked what was the best
wood for Pianos, replied, without hesitation Broad wood.

CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS.
OCR Butcher will decora' e Ins
prize beef and mutton with gor-
geous favours nd rosettes.

Our distinguished military ac-
quaintance, LIEUT. -QKSBKAL SIR
SAMPSON WINGERKIELD, B.C G ,

I.S.C.K.. G.M.C.K., will decorate his martial breast with
his various stars and vibboi'S.

Our Cook and Housemaid will decorate the Kitchen w.th
Holly and Mistletoe.

Our fantastic friend, MRS. DOSSINGTOX DOI.LINOCOURT,
will decorate her cheeks with a little artificial colour.

Our eldest unmarried Daughter will assist the REV.
NAZIAXZENUS SMYLAX in decorating his district CLurch. /
Our youngest will be decorated with blue ribix-ns.
Our table will be decorated with Punch's t'wktt Book
and Punch's Almanack.

,7. 1871.1

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1875.

g
I

M 5

w ;

00 '

g
I

-S

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1875.

t December 17, 1874-

M Y S T E K I K S OF
NOVEMBER.

INTO the future dost thuu

dare,
Clairvoyant Medium, v.iinly

pry ?
Suy,thL'ii, who 'Jllie this VL-ai'rt

l.'-l'l Mavni',

An- 1 who 's to bo the coin-
in,' liny.

PROV i: i; i 1 . i A L
PHILOSOPHY.

NEVKK do 1" m"iTn v whit
yon can put off (loin

Excepting <H ;i nilm-id,
delays aiv raivly >i m [eKMM

Unpuni'tuality is ti
of method.

Whore there's a Will tbero 'a
a \V:iv "i up^'tii-itf it.

FormmtofftCabtheTr.iin

w i-, IM.-I-. aii'l f<>r VPH
Tra ; ner the K uv was list.

"li the early Worm tint
tt'Ms walked i-t" by '1^'
Blackbird.

Invention i.s the Daughter
of N",ve--iiH", and the 1'urcnt
of the Soap-bubblo

If you want a thing well
done, pay f omebodv to do it.

Silence is of poM, wLilu
speech is often brazen.

Xecds must, wht;n tho
Piiater's Devil c ills.

A FELLOW FEEUN-Q. There
in one ParlianMiitary mea-
sure, passed rogu'arly every
Session, which pL-r.s >ns who
aro inclined to make free
with their neighbour^' pro-
perty regard with consider-
able favour the Appropriu-
ton Bill.

THE QUADRATURE OF THE
CiftCLE. Describe a Circle ;
and let it bo a Ring of Swin-
dlers. Squaic your Iling.

SANS CULOTTES CHERCHK-
CULOTTES. Strong - minded
Women of the "udvancud"
brigade.

CHRISTMAS CAROL.

O THE good old times

Of the Christmas Chimes,

Which we hear as well to-

uay.

A s the Boll chinks,
So the Fool thinks.

And will for ever and aye.

WAITINO FOR AN ANSWER.
Has the Charity Or^:mis:i-
linii Socii.-ty ever investigated
a greater case of destitution
than that of the lady who
(U-nii'd herself the common
luxuries of life?

AT THK " MITRE." A
Bishop, who naturally thinks
a good deal of himself, can
haidly consider it a ccni]i]i-
iin.'iit to be called "the Oidi-
nary."

FOR

NURSERY RHYME

Till-; TIM!!.
I 'LI, t-.ll you a story

Annut .lACK-A-XoUY,

Iluinc for the Christmas Va-
cation :

When offered mince-pies,
He, Indignant, replies,
" With Learning they've no
correlation. "

SrriTABMt PllKMIsKK. A

Cficat Teetotal gathering i.s
expected to take place next
Summer in Kew Gardens, in
the new "Temperate House. "

SELF-EVIDENT. It must
have been a Cockney who
said that St. Bees came from
St. 'Ives.

WIT AND WISDOM. In the
midst of joke we are in

earnest.

THE PATRON SAINT OF THE
MONEY MARKET. St. Simon
Stock.

THE WORST OF SNARES.
Gin and

THE CHURCH EOUITANT.

Choice Cob, has culled la rtiinmtti-iilr ",'(/< V><'"<>" I'.n-fon, who keep* Racehonex). " I AM DEEPLY COXOEKNTD To HEAR, MR. THAT Y. -u KEEP, AND F.VKS TRAIN,

Ks : Sporliny Parson. " UI.KS) YOUR LORDSHIP ! ONLY PLATERS I I 'D BE GLAD TO CHOP ANY THING IN MY STABLES TOR THAT COD OF YOURS ! ! "

I)tti.t<r 10, if: .V

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1870.

THE CYNIC'S CALENDAR.

(Melancholy Mcms. on the Miieri.es of the
Month.)

^ Jan. xixt Days.

- t.Bliftm

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4S ..f.Kpip.

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fc- . . .-7^.. .^

-%*!

JANUARY.

JANUARY brinjrs its Bills,
So the year bejnns with ills.
If one's credit be precarious,
Hilary finds us not hilarious.
Frequent winds from S. and TV.
Blow no good, but tease and trouble yon.
Frosts to nip and wet to weary,
Nights all dark, and days all dreary,
Most things that may pfague and pain us
licet us with the Month of Janus.

FEBKVAKY.

FEBRCARY, short not sweet !
Noses nipped and chilly feet
Still in fashion. Salmon fishing
Now commences. Boobies wishing
That absurdest sport muv try it ;
When /fancy fish, I bvu it.
Fools on things called ' ' Pancakes ' ' dine.
Others court St. Valentine.
Which is worst,- an open question,
Mooncalf love or indigestion ?
Lean Year ! So more muffs will marry
In this present February.

MARCH brings with it loads of cares,
Mnkes one mad as its own lures.
Bust a bore, the weather boreal,
Polar winds or equatorial,
All alike in bringing bother
In its forms of .-lush or smother.
Lady Day ! poor tenant's sorrow,
Lent, bad times for those who borrow.
Vernal equinox, day and night
Equally without delight.
St. Patrick's Day, its senseless wars,
For this blustering Slonth of M.ars !

SPECIAL NOTE rou 1876. Leap
year. Quadnonul celebration of birth-
days all over the world. Great excite-
ment in tliehunting-field. Extraordinary
feats at Athletic Sports. Grand Inter-
national Leap-frog Competition at the
Alexandra Palace. Paper read before
the Statistical Society, giving the aver-
age number of persons who losk before
they leap, and quoting instances of people
who have taken a leap in the dark during
the last four years.

JANUARY 1 . Good-resolution-making

begins.

SIGHS TO THE SIGNS.

(/';/ n r,i-Uls\ UijdrofhMsl.)

MERE watery sameness wearies, dear AQUARIUS
Let New Year's weather, then, we pray, be various!
Bemember mortals arc nut piscine. PISCES
Even in such a pluvial isle as thi-s is !

TViml, and not wet, we look for under ARIES,
Hydraulic UAM we hate love HAM when fair he is !

If some few vernal showers should come with TAURUS,
Tis well ; but why with floods come BulPs-ruu o'er us ?

Whelm not May's flowers with tears, gentle GEMINI !
Or Floret nunguam respomlebunt seminc !

Regard the Roses, be not crabby, CANCER,
Shine when we ask with showers do not answer !

Sprinkle no raindrops from your mane, great LEO,
But from St. Swithiii's spell the forty free, !

Swift Summer takes her flight with thee, and, erao,
Be not all Niobe, gentle VIRGO !

Spofl ot our sports with daily deluge, LIBRA,
ot e'en hard cash can buy blue sky or bribe ray !

October Ale ! g >od tipple, SCORI-IO,

Blest bard, if to it his song's weft and warp he owe !

November fogs attend thee, SAGITTARIUS,

Ihd not hydraulics make us less hilarious !

A dry December grant, dear CAPRICORSUS,

bo plead we round the Zodiac. Signs, don't scorn us !

DISTRESSING SPECTACLE. A short-sighted person
looking into futurity.

MAD MATHEMATICS.

THE inventor of the following proof fancies it not
unworthy of the Mathematical Department of Colwell
Uatcliney. To prove that 10 is au even number

.'. by subtraction 3

But 7

.". by addition 10

SIX
-8

SEVEN
EVEN.

Q.E.D.

FEBRUARY 2. C'lndlemas. Gas discovered.

FEBRUARY 14. Bishop Valentine took his seat in
the House of Lords. Cupid bom. General Post Office
enlarged.

DEPIXB the difference between a Musical-Bos and a
Band- Box.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1876.

fDrrrjubcr 16, 1875.

RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS OF GREAT MEN.
IT is not generally known that the Poet Laureate is
liable to painful attacks of doubt and hesitation. Not
long ago he went into the shop of MESSRS. PIESSE AND
LUBIN, and, after chatting with the two eminent Per-
fumers for some time, looked sadly at. them, shook his
head, and saying,

" I know not which is sweeter I No ! not I ! "
sighed, and left the shop.

"Mil. BASS, as he one day escorted MRS. HEMANS over
Ms brewery at Burton, expressed in warm terms his
admiration of her poetry, and told her how much he
coveted her power of giving pleasure to thousands.
The Poetess laughed at his enthusiasm. " Tour suc-
cess is greater than mine," she said, " for

" Birth's noblest sons thy bitter cup have shared."
POPE was very much attached to LORD ELCHO, and
was accustomed, in familiar conversation, to call him
" Honest Instinct." Being asked by LORD HANELAGH
to explain this singular , appellation, POPE replied,
" You would not ask such a question had you read aiy
Essay on Man, but would remember

" How Honest Instinct comes, a Volunteer
Sure never to o'ershoot, but just to hit."
SIR JOHN LUBIIOCK was surprised one day at meet-
ing THOMSON in Threadneedle Street, and asked him,
in 'much astonishment, what had brought him into the
City. The Poet of The Seasons pointed to a number of
grey-headed old gentlemen, who were walking briskly
in the same direction, and said, archly, " This is Divi-
dend day, and

" I seek the Bank where flowery elders crowd."
The same Poet, hearing HERH DANNREUTHER praise
the works of WAGNER the Composer, asked what WAG-
NER had written ; and, on being told that his music
was called " The Music of the Future" replied, " Yes,
yes ; I understand ! We had such music in the Castle
of Indolence. It was

" A certain music never known before."
BoswELLone day told DH. JOHNSON that the "REVE-
REND JOHN MACAULAY, in his Ififstory of St. Kdda,
had stated as a well-authenticated fact that, whenever
a stranger approaches that island, nil the inhabitants
take cold.* " Why, Sir," replied the Doctor, " you are

Vide BOSWELL'S Lijc oj'Ja/ouon.

not to suppose that there is anything singular in that :
it only shows that the islanders prefer the stranger's
rheum to his company."

During the recent severe frost, the RIGHT HONOUR-
ABLE JOSEPH ADDISON went into the office of the
Spectator, in Wellington Street, and asked for a little
brandy and a clothes' brush, giving as a reason for this
singular request, that he had just had a severe fall on
a slide. The Editor, who did not quite comprehend
the exclamation, exclaimed hastily, " When did you
fall } " " ! " replied the great moralist, " it was

" When in the slippery paths of youth
With heedless steps I rail."

" How is it that you always get an invitation to the
Guildhall dinner on the ninth of November 1 " said SIR
JULES BENEDICT to MR. ARTHUR SULLIVAN. "I
don't exactly know," was the reply ; " but I think that
I must owe It to my connection with Booscy's Annual."

HORACE and M,T:CENAS were walking down the
Strand one day last Spring, just as a great crowd of
ladies was pouring out of Exeter Hall. " What is all
this about?" said MAECENAS. "Don't you know?"
said HORACE. " Jam veris comites. This is the time
for May Meetings."

DIARIES FOR THE YEAR.
THE APOTHECARY.

January. Came up to London in a Cheap Jack's
cart, and established myself in lodgings in the East
End.

February. Thought out and perfected my Grand
Tonic Pill of Everlasting Health. Inserted advertise-
ment in a newspaper asking for a capitalist.

March. Met a capitalist, who entered into my
scheme with enthusiasm. Arranged that he should
find 10,0001 the invention. Explained, on leaving
him. that I had eaten nothing .for three days. He ex-
pressed his regret, but refused to allow his servants to
give me any dinner.

April. Appearance of the Grand Tonic Pill of Ever-
lasting Health. Immense success. Branches for the
sale of the same established in all parts of Europe, Asia,
Africa, and America.

M'tij. The price of soap (the principal ingredient of
the Grand Tonic Pill of Everlasting Health) having
ri-jfn. forced to take advantage of the laws of my country.
Made the acquaintance of the Chief Judge of Bank-

ruptcy, and asked Mm to kindly accept the arrangement
of my money matters.

June. Became Consulting Chemist to a tavern-
keeper, and, by scientific adulteration, increased the
profits of his business largely.

July. An inquest having proved to me that my
connection with the ta vem-keeper was a dangerous one,
turned my attention to other branches of industry.
Wrote the prospectus of the New National Hospital for
the Cure of Baldness.

August. At work all the month on the National
Hospital. Obtained the names of several Dukes and
many Marquises for the first list of Vice-Patrons. Vice-
Patron's fee 5 5s.

September. The National Hospital flourishing
greatly. The list of Vice-Patrons (after the appear-
ance of the names of the Dukes and the Marquises)
increased a hundredfold. Foundation of the seaside

branch of the Hospital laid at the close of the month.
<cr. The National Hospital at the height of i

its

Oetobci

popularity. A very crowded staff of officials and one
patient. " Grand dinner on Michaelmas Day. The
Secretary (myself) in old English fashion called the
goose.

November. The New National Hospital for the Cure
of Baldness taken up by the medical papers, and ex-
posed.

December. Went back into the country, and passed
Christmas Day in the privacy of my Cheap Jack's cart.

SLIGHTED ATTENTION.

I TOOK a Narcissus

Home unto my Missus
On the morn of our blest wedding-day.

She might have bethought her

To put it in water ;
But she smelt it and threw it away.

A MYSTEHY CLEARED UP. The reason why so many
people go to sleep in church is, because they rest against
the " poppy heads."

FOREIGN AFFAIRS. Natives at five shillings a dozen.
HOMF, MEASURES. A tablespoonful three times a day.

SOME persons are thoroughly imperturbable. Nothing
can shock them not even an earthquake.

A TEMPERANCE PUBLIC-HOUSE. A Slop-shop.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1876.

April xxx Days.

May xxxi Days.

June xxx Days.

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DIARIES FOR THE TEAR.
THE SOLDIER.

January. Entered the Sen-ice as a recruit, in
epite of the protest of the Rector of my native village.
Spent ray bounty money in dissipation, and was passed
over to the depot.

February. Found myself in the Infantry. Imme-
diately on receiving my kit, deserted, and came up to
London.

March. After a fortnight's pleasuring, shaved off
my whiskers, and entered the Service again. The
Magistrate who " swore me in " warned me that I was
sacrificing my prospects in life by becoming a soldier.

April. Found myself in the Cavalry. Took a dis-
taste to " stables," and deserted.

Ma u. After living upon the proceeds of my " free
kit " for a short time, determined to enter the Service
again. Shaved off my moustache, and was duly sworn
in. A Clergyman on the bench admonished me that I
was throwing my future to the dogs by wearing Her
Majesty's uniform.

June. Found myself in the Artillery. Gun drill
appeared to be hard work. After a fortnight at Wool-
wich, made up my mind to desert, and deserted.

July. Thought I would try the Militia. Joined a
Metropolitan regiment, and finding " position drill " a
nuisance, deserted.

August. My funds being low, made up my mind
that I had not given the Militia a fair chance. Left
London and joined a country Militia regiment.

(September. Early morning drill unpleasant. De-
serted, and went to Scotland. True to my love for the
Auxiliary Forces, joined a Highland Militia regiment.

October. Requiring change of air, deserted to Ire-
land, and joined a Militia regiment in the Emerald
Isle.

November. All the trainings seem now over ; sud-
denly tired of the Militia. Came back to England,
and, leaving my regiment (in my usual fashion), joined
the Royal Engineers.

December. Found I was expected to learn a trade.
This did not suit me, so I ''exchanged" (in my old
style) into the Marines, purposing to take a little sea
voyage to escape the kind inquiries of many military
friends. Eat my Christmas dinner, and on the last day
of the old year packed up my traps and deserted !

GEOLOGY OF ERIN-. " Snakes," says an Irish Natu-
ralist,

extinc

Search the
the

THE CYNIC'S CALENDAR.
(3Telanclioly Mems. on tJie Miseries of the Month.)

APKIL.

APRIL starts with All Fools' Day
(That runs all the year 7 say) ;
Poets call this mon'th the rernitl,
Weather commonly infernal !
Spring is on us with a spring ;
Blows and pours like anything !
April showers in the form
Of a (frigid) tropic storm.
Bards sing Canticles sheer cant I
Time for planting all a " plant ! "
Stick the Bards on dunce's stools,
They but make us April Fools !

MAY.

MAY ! pet month with every poet.

Flowers blow and winds too, blow it I

Bards ! On their own " lines " I 'd string 'em

For their fibs. Top coat and gingham

Still essential. One fresh bore

The R.A.'s throw wide their door !

Table-talk is all of pictures,

Critic cant, and stupid strictures.

May in Nature is a sham,

May in Art gush, crush, and cram I

Pipe me no more ditties pray

On the " merry Month of May 1"

Tuva.

JrxE ! Again the Bards begin.
" Summer is yeomen in."
Yet without a Sangster stout
He's a fool who'll venture out.
Roses ! pretty in a poem.
Did you ever try to grow 'em ?
After toilsome eves and morns
Find a crop of leaves and thorns ?
Year attains another quarter,
Days, and tempers too, grow shorter.
Muse, your lyre is out of tune,
Leave " the leafy Month of June '."

AND EXCEPTION. "When things are at the
worst they sometimes mend." Some things are too
bad to mend any more. A sayfag true of things in
general, if not d 'propos lie bottes.

IN QUEST OF LODGINOS. Recollect you can always
obtain bed and board, without anv additional payment
for the latter, by sleeping on the floor.

DIARIES FOR THE YEAR.
THE SAILOR.

January. Found myself on board the Lively Pol!y.
Could not account for my presence on deck. The last
thing I remembered was the parlour of a riverside
tavern.

February. The LircJy Polly quite safe in calm
water, but being heavily insured was unlucky enough
to sink in a storm.

March. After ten days in an open boat, made the
land. Kindly 'treated by the owner of a public-house-.

April. Found myself suddenly on board the Copper
Coffin, with a cargo of cotton. The Copper Ciijfin,
being manned with a crew of " choice spirits," caught
tire.

May. After an unpleasant journey on a bit of
broken spar, made the land. Having acquired a tem-
porary distaste for the sea, entered the lighter service.

June. In charge of a lighter freighted with gun-

Eowder and other innocent materials. Met an old
:-iend, had a glass of ale, lighted a pipe, and blew up.

July. Joined the Naval Reserve, and found out the
secret of obtaining the maximum of pay for the mini-
mum of work.

August. Entered the Royal Navy, and was-
draughted into an Iron-clad.

September. Went in the Iron-clad to the bottom of
the sea.

October. Having risen to the surface, made my way
to London, and started " The Deceased Mariners' Aid
Society." Lived sumptuously upon the subscriptions.

Norember. The subscribers of " The Deceased-
Mariners' Aid Society" asking disagreeable questions,
entered the Merchant Service on this occasion with
all my wits about me.

December. Assisted in putting my Cantain in irons,
and kept Christmas merrily by breaking into the spirit
cupboard and going to the bottom.. Nofc being born to
be drowned, picked up and brought to England. Ended 1
the year in the parlour of a sea-side tavern, in a happy
state of unconsciousness.

"RINKUM TENEATIS, A1IICI."
OFTENTIMES in merry May,

When the water nearly freezes,
Tender leaves on many a spray

Shrivelling droop in Eastern breezes.

Christmas come again you think.

Then, whilst genuine ice awaiting,
Go, glide o'er the mimic " Rink,"

And sing, " What a day for skating ! "

Dcci-mber 10. 1-,7i.]

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1870.

WORDS AND WEIGHTS.

' DONAID ' ' CAS>T "" * FISH VEB SET1SN P UNM ' WBEN IBET 8 * T MAJO " GRABI -"" US *'*> "Air * DOZE* 1A.T WEEK THAT TURHED

Joagfd. "AwEEr.. Sm, IT'S NO THAT MUCKLE ODDS I'TH' SAWMON.-BUT THAE FOWK cp THE WATTJBR 13 BIOOP.R LEEARS THAN WE ARE DOOX HERE!"

DIARIES FOR THE TEAR.
THE TINKER.

Janitart/. Began the year as Private Secretary to a
popular Member of Parliament.

February. Prepared several speeches to be used at
chant; dinners by my Chief.

March. The Session having commenced, armed
myself for the coming campaign by reading the whole
edition of the Annual Register and learning HAYDN'S
Dictionary of Dates by heart. Bought a Lcmpriere to
be used in the concoction of classical speeches.

April. Very busy on the orations of my Chief.
Added to my library a good Dictionary of Quotations.

May. Went down to the borough of my Chief, and
represented "popular enthusiasm " on his arrival.

June. Wrote a pamphlet upon the Currency, and
contributed (to two leading magazines) a couple of
articles, headed " International Law " and " Persian
Learning in the Middle Ages." The broch lire and the
papers appeared with my Chiefs name attached to
them.

July. Attended Committee Meetings at the House
of Commons, and suggested questions to be put by my
Chief to the witnesses summoned before him.

Any ust. My Chief being away shooting in the
Highlands, attended to the thou=and and one claims of
his five hundred and two constituents.

September. Travelled down to the borough of my
Chief, and got up his Testimonial Committee. Became
Honorary Secretary to that not very distinguished body.

October. Organised the rejoicing on the arrival of
my Chief in the borough of his adoption. " Laughed "
and " cheered " at the proper time during the presenta-
tion of the Testimonial Inkstand.

JCfwtntnr.-V.-t Chief, weary of politics, accepted the
Stewardship of the Cliiltcrn Hundreds, and invited me
to accept my dismissal.

December. Out of work.

WORDS OF WISDOM. BOSWELL has nowhere re-
corded the saying, attributed to DOCTOR. JOHNSON,
" Sir, it is of no use for a nation to enlist sympathies
unless it can also enlist soldiers."

PROVERBIAL PHILOSOPHY. Do not attempt to feed
Pigs on Grains of Paradise. A Calf is none the better
for being reared on Asses' Milk.

NEW LONDON STREET DIRECTORY.

Adam Street. Antediluvian anecdotes and traditions
still linger here.

Air Street. Doctors send their patients to this
locality for change,

Aldermanbury. Visited by numbers of bereaved
relatives.

Amwell Street. Always healthy.

Sarkiny Alley. To.be avoided in the Dog Days.

Soy Court. Not far from Child's Place.

Camomile Street. See Wormwood Street.

Coldbath Square. Very bracing.

DiitafLane. Full of Spinsters.

Farm Street. Highly sensitive to the fluctuations of
the corn market.

Fashion Street. Magnificent sight in the height of
the Season.

First Street. Of immense antiquity.

Friday Street. Great jealousy felt by all the other
days of the week.

Garlick Sill. Make a little detour.

Glasshouse Street. Heavily insured against hail-
storms.

Godliman Street. Irreproachable.

Great Smith Street. Which of the Smiths is this ?

Grundy Street. Named after that famous historic
character MKS. GRUNDY.

Hercules Utii/rliitgs.Rirh in traditions and stories
of the " Labours " of the Founder.

Homer Street. Literally classic ground. The house
pointed out in connection with " the blind old bard "
has long since disappeared.

Idol Lane. Where are the Missionaries?

Iry Lane. This, and Lillypot Lane, and Woodpecker
Lane, and Wheatsheaf Yard", and White Thorn Street,
all sweetly rural. It is difficult to make a selection.

Lamb's Conduit Street. Touching description (by
the oldest inhabitant) of the young lambs coming to
drink at the conduit.

Liquorpond Street. See Philpot Lane.

Love. Lane. What sort of love ? The " love of the
turtle ? "

Lupus Strtet.

MaMox Street.

Milk Street. Notice the number of pumps.

Mincing Lane. Mincing is now mostly don3 else-
where, by machinery.

Orchard Street. The last apple was gathered here
about the time that the last coursing match took place
in Hare Court.

Paper Buildings. Wonderfully substantial ! Brief
paper extensively used in these buildings.

Paradise Street. \ Difficult to choose between the

Peerless Street. ] two.

Adding Lane. } Crowded at Christmas.

Quality Court. Most aristocratic.

Riches Court. Not a house to be had for love or
money.

Shiphei-dess JTalk. Ought to be near Shepherds'
Bush.

Trump Street. Noted for whist.

Type Street. Leaves a most favourable impression.

World' > End Passage. Finis.

)
t. }

T> .

LINES FOR THE NEW YEAR.
TO-DAY the year begins,

To-day your task commence .
Pick up the casual pins,

And one short twelvemonth hence,
Ton '11 be rewarded for your pains
With fourpence as your thrifty gains.

MYTHOLOGY AND Music. In the Grecian Sculpture
Room at the British Museum, inquire of the attendant
to see the portions of the walls of Thebes, said to have
been originally built by Amphion at the sound of his
lyre. That is" a mistake; as you will find that the
columns were fluted.

No Rt-LE WTTHOCT A* EXCEPTION. " Circum-
stanres alter cases" but never, not even in the
greatest emergency, the nominative, genitive, dative,
accusative, vocative, or ablative.

GOING INTO THE OTHEK EXTREME. Some men
carry their aversion to what they call "gush" to such
an extent, that they will not allow their feelings even
to trickle.

A PROFESSIONAL VIEW op THINGS. BAXTOPP,
the noted cricketer, speaking of the shape of his
daughter's face, described it as a Kennington Oval.

How UNLIKE AN ALMANACK ! Assizes have no
Saints in the Calendar.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1876.

[December 16. 1873.

COUNTY DISTINCTIONS.

Ayrshire. Shares, with the Isle of
Skyc, the distinction of having in-
spired more jokes than any other dis-
trict in Jlrr Majesty's Dominions.

lieds. Noted for its excellent sleep-
ing accommodation.

Hacks. From time immemorial
the male population have been great
dandle*.

Chi's(s)lrire. The head-quarters of
this engrossing game.

Cork. Convivial. Famous for its
claret and whiskey.

Down. Not always up as well.

Dublin. See Census returns of
population.

fife. Musical.

Herts. Docs it ? Where?

Hunts. Foxes, packs of hounds,
sportsmen in scarlet, and whippcrs-in
everywhere during 1 the Season.

Oxon. One great Cattle Show.

Somerset. The inhabitants are
brought up from infancy to turn heels
over head.

Stirling. Of genuine worlh.

ll'icl-lotv. Of less consequence
since gas has so largely taken the
place of candles.

li'iijtown. The evening parties
here ure a great sight.

AUTUMN LEAVES.
LOVE, yonder Autumn leaves are gold ,
Our locks turn silver when we 're old.
But like the trees we need not fare,
A fluid can revive grey hair,
And when, as foliage, hair is shed,
Men, unlike trees, wear wigs instead.

How TO OBSERVE ALL SAINTS'
DAY. Devote yourself particularly
to St. Jullieu, St. Estephe, and St.
Etuilion.

CHANGE FOR AN ADAGE. Half a
loaf is better than no sugar.

FOB THE

De Tumlyr.s (who is ordering a Shooting Suit). " I AW WANT SOME KIND or AW STUFF
'COLOUR OF HEATHER. Y'KNOW, so THAT THE GWOUSE WON'T WECOONISE ME, Y'KNOW 1'

ANACHRONISMS.

THE Lady who does not follow the
fashion.

The Parson who docs not go in for
Ritual and Confessional.

The Tradesman who does not adul-
terate.

The Bishop who gives his reasons
for doing wrong.

The Premier who does not let his
subordinates make blunders.

The ex-Premier who docs not use
his hatchet upon everything.

The Poet who does not think him-
self greater than SIIAKSPEAUE.

The Novelist who is not of the female
sex.

The First Lord of the Admiralty
who is not an old woman.

The Critic who writes the truth of
his enemy's book.

The Financier who pavs his clients
eighteen per cent., and is never a
bankrupt.

The Publisher who cannot afford
oyster-sauce with his rump-steak.

The Author who can.

The Stockbroker who makes less
than twenty thousand a-year.

The Yachtsman who is never sea-sick.

The Lady who "Winks" without
fear of a tumble.

The Prince who lias great fear of
any adventure, however brilliant and
perilous.

AT THE RINK.

OF what is the old man thinking

As he sits in his old arm-chair ?
He 's thinking that he 'd he Riuking,

If try it he only dare.
He's thinking, that, when you're
Riuking,

Unless you take lots of care,
You '11 be on your back, like winking,

And stunned before you 're aware.

A TRUISM ron. ALL TIME. No

rooms like mushrooms.

A BELGRAVIAN MOTHER.

Sthdinda. " MOTHER I ISN'T IT WICKED TO SAT 'You BE SLOWED,' AS ALOY DOES?" Mother. "Ii's WORSS THAN WICKED, WY DEAR IT'S YvLOAR!"

" He comes to view this wondrous world' of Ind,
The addition of our Empire, how it shows
In prospect from his throne a gracious Prince,

Followed by accl;
Symphonious of E
One voice of well

n, and the sound
throats that raise

So the bright pomp moves onward, jubilant."

MILTON (adapted}.

IX-cen.berKi, IKS

December It, 1873.1

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1876.

A WET DIARY.

January. liuy a house in the
Midland Counties. Put a Housekeeper
in it to look niter it.

Fctrnari/. Housekeeper writes to
say that, ' owing to tho floods, the
neighbourhood is very damp uud
unhealthy.

Marc/i. Housekeeper writes to say
that the garden is under water.

April. Housekeeper writes to say
that there is two foot of water in the
drawing-room, and that the furniture
is floating about.

Maij. Housekeeper writes to say
that eighty feet of the garden wall has
been washed away.

June. Housekeeper writes to say
that the two horses, oue cow, and four
pigs are drowned.

July. Go and stop in the house my-
self.

August. Escape from the bedroom
windows in a boat.

September. In bed with rheumatic
fever.

October. Housekeeper writes to say
that the floods are out worse than
ever.

November. Somebody writes to say
that the Housekeeper haa been
drowned.

December. Will try and sell house
in the Midland Counties.

LOVES OF THE PLANTS.

WHEV Hero saw Leander die,
" 0, Leander ! " she did cry ;
And what the cruel ocean slew,
Into an " 0-Leander " grew !

A MAIDEN ATTEMPT. Said EDITH
to MABEL, " Is not that a pretty
tree?" She pointed to a handsome
Acer platanonles. "A pretty tree ! "
answered MABEL. " I call that a
plane tree." " ! " rejoined ETHEL.

" GENTLEMEN HELPS."

Comely Greengrocer (who Wails at Evening Parties, to latly Cuitmv.tr). " SHALL I 'ATE THE

' '"

PLEASURE OF MEETING YOU THIS EVKNISQ AT LADY FlTZWIGQLEs's, MA* AH ? " ! 1

VIATOR'S VADE MECl'M.

(Or

// G ',(kle f<.'t- the

Viilish Tourist.)

WHEN the wind is in the North,
Gingham take if you go forth.

If to Eastward verr the wind,
Gingham do not leave behind.
If to West the wind .-limiM lend,
Gingham is y<'Ui -i.n -t friend.
If it seek the South, of course,
G ingham is your sole resource.
Intermediate points demand
Gingllhm constantly in hand.
If there be no wind at all,
Gingham take, fur rain will fall.
At all other times, no doubt,
Gingham you may ilo without,
Yet e'en then an hour may bring

'em,
Showers I mean, so take your

Gingham !

APRIL 1. Full Moonshine. Poetical
Licences taken out. Taxes invented.
Mares' Nests discovered bv the Horse
Marines. The first street Organ heard
in London. The last Pha-nix shot in
Dublin. A fine specimen of a Dog in
a Manger (from Newfoundland) pre-
sented to the Zoological Gardens. " A
sixth part every four hours " first pre-
scribed. Paving with gold adopted for
the streets of London. Fees at
theatres instituted. Inauguration of
Weddings with four official ing Clergy-
men and eight officiating Bridesmaids.
Prizes offered for the best BuEs. The
first taken by John Bull ; the 2nd by
an Irish Bull ; the 3rd by a Bull in
a China Shop ; and the 4lh by a Bull
of the POPE s.

ADVICE TO FAKMEBS. June. In
dry weather, give your crops water. Of
course, some months ago, while you
were grumbling at the rain, you took

the opportunity of storing a supply.

TRUE POLITENESS ; OR, THE CABMAN OF THE FUTURE.

Cabby. "FOUR-WHEELER, MA'AM?" Old Lad/,. "No, THANK YOU, I'M WAITING FOR AN 'ATLAS.'"

Cabby. "AH INDEED, MA'AM; BUT WON'T YOU STEP IN AND TAKE A SEAT IN OUR SHELTER TILL THE OMLIBUS COSIES UP, MA'AM?"!!

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1*76.

1", ! -"'-

PAELIAMENTAKY MOTTOES.

Buckinghamshire, " Sphinx volucrR ponnis."

AUSONIUS.

Greenwich. " Continue in courses till those knowest
what they are." SHAKSPEARE.

Oxford. "Non tam historico quam oratorio genere."

CICEKO.

Cambridge. " Spes est expectatio honi." CICEKO.
Gmldford. " Fcstina lente." AUGUSTVS C^SAB.
Finbury. "Sermo promptus et Iswo torrentior."

JUVENAL.
Satford. " Charley is my darling."

Cavalier Ballad.
Carlisle.

." The nights are long in merry Carlisle,
. The Knights drink deep, drink deep ;
Quoth a wilful wight, the gay midnight
Never was meant for sleep."

MS. picked tip near Aspatria.
London University. " Lo, here am I ! "
Maidstonf.

" How doth the little husy bee
Make honey golden sweet,
In that snug liive where bankers thrive,

Yclept ye Lombard Street ! "
.. Dif. WHAT'S-HIS-XAME.

North Leicestershire. " Manners makyth man." :

Old Atlnye.

Leicester. " Sartor Resartus." CAULYLE.
Birmingham. " Salmo a saltcndo."
North ifanvMshire.

" I follow the fox, and worry tlio Porn,
And give an account of both, I hope ! "

MS. found in Arlington Street.
Oxfordshire. " Old perry wants water."

Oxford Ailagc.

Stokc-upon-Trent. " Leo roris." (Free translation :
" The lion roars.")

Elgin. " Sun'ey mankind from China to Peru."

JOHNSON-.

Peterborough. "Papam Ortonquc cauo." VIRGIL
(slightly altered).

Radnor. " Cavendo tutus." DEISKETT.
East JJ'oreestershire. \ (l TT ,, , , , >,
East Staffordshire. } Ual1 ' a " bali '
Berkshire. " tempora ! mores ! "

Derby. " impia?

Non tangenda rates transilinnt vada."

JIollACE.

Flintshire. " Aquila captat musoas."
Bath. "I like a good hater." JOHNSON.

THE CYNIC'S CALENDAR.

(Melancholy Menu, on the Miseries if the Mont'i)

JULY.

JULY ! Now the days grow torrid,
Heat and thirst are something horrid.
Pass our days and nights in panting,
Do involuntary Banting.
School breaks up, Home-Rule breaks down.
Subtle hints of " out of town."
Papers full of Cricket Matches,
Gush about big hits and catches,
Then St. Switnin turns his main on,
Bringing his eternal rain on.
On the whole a perfect teaser
Is your Month, great JULIUS C.ESAU !

AUGUST.

AUGUST ! Glass at something shocking,

Cockneys to the sea-side nocking ;

Woman's wish to join the throng,

Daily theme and nightly song.

Horrid nuisance ! Worst of sells,
Norfolk-Howards, shrimps, and smells !

Now begins the Oyster Season,

Prices range beyond all reason.

Crown of culinary woes
1 Fate piled on when molluscs rose.

Patience ? Can her rule adjust us
i To thy maddening Month, Augustus ?

SEPTEMBER.

COMES September, and St. Partridge!
Catch me offering one cartridge
At his shrine ! Swell Sumphs may fag
All to brag about a " bag."
Sport, indeed ! No greater rot !
. When I shoot may I be shot !
Sea-side getting full and fuller,
Morning papers daily duller.
Sheer discomfort's carnival,
Equinox brings shower and squall ;
Spouts the wandering County Member,
ing! Bosh! Bother! That 's September !

BY ADAM SMITH, Jux. In India, as in most other
countries, money is very unequally distributed. Tho
few have a lac, the many a lack of rupees.

FROM A MISOGAMIST. Love is blind, and no oculist
has ever yet performed a successful operation. There
is but one cure Marriage.

DIARIES FOR THE YEAR.
THE PLOUGH BOY.

January. Began the year in the Workhouse.

February. Got tired of " the House," and tried a
little stone-breaking.

March. Got employment on a farm. Spent a. small
portion of my time in work, and the remainder in
drinking beer.

April. Listened to the arguments of the strike
organiser. Came to the conclusion that play was better
than work.

May. After consultation with my mates, struck for
higher wages.

June. On strike. Found doing nothing, save drink-
ing beer and playing skittles, very pleasant emplovmeut.
Somehow or another tXe wives and children of my mates
did not seem to thrive upon it.

July. Starvation. Went back into the Union, and-
resumed my old work.

August. Came out of " the House," and went back
to the farm on reduced wages.

September. Travelled about in search of employ-
ment. Found the education provided by the Scnool-
Board of no great practical value.

October. Got near the Black Country, and married a
hard-working girl for the sake of her earnings.

November. Altercations with my wife, in which my
boots played an important part. Separation agreed
upon. Brought before a Magistrate, and sentenced to
one month's imprisonment for nearly killing my wife
on the eve of her departure.

December. Released from prison. Had no Christmas
dinner, and ended the year (as I begun it) in the Work-
house.

OCCASIONAL RAINFALL.
IT frequently rains cats and dogs;
Sometimes, we hear, too, fish and frogs.
To see that proof of JJ ature's powers,
Wait for the First of April's showers.

HINT FOR A NEW PEERAGE. Of hereditary titles
the most ancient is that of Earl. It has come down to
us from the Earliest times.

APRIL 1, ALL FOOLS' DAY. General Meeting of
Foreign Bondholders. .....

APRIL 9, PALM SUNDAY. Go and observe it among
the Endogens at Kew Gardens.

SHAKSPEAKIAN MOTTO FOR OUR WELL-SHOD NIGHT
FOIICK. " The very stones prate of mv whereabouts."
Macbeth.

in. Hr> 1

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1876.

DOCTORS (IN HYGEIA) DIFFER (FROM THOSE IN LONDON.)

Scene in -Dr. Richardson's City of Health. Chorut of Medical Practitioners. " WE HATE NO WORK TO DO 1 "

A HUNDRED YEARS HENCE.
(Being a Leaf out of our Ahnanackfor the Year 1976 )

FOR the instruction of posterity, and in order to pre-
serve some record of the way in which we live now, we
chronicle a few of the remarkable events which have
occurred in the past twelvemonth :

New Year's Day. Opening of New London Bridge,
built in order to relieve the growing traffic of the City,
and extending in unbroken width from Westminster to
Wapping.

St. Valentine's Day. No fewer than five million
four thousand and twenty-seven Valentines were re-
ceived and delivered by the patent postal telegraphic
lightning apparatus, within the radius of the Metropolis
before six o'clock, A.M.

St. Patrick's Day. Inauguration of the Submarine
Railway from Holyhead to Kingstown. Grand break-
fast in honour of the visit of the LORD MAYOR op
LONDON, given by the Corporation, in the Phoenix
Park, and banquet in the evening to the MAYOR OF
DUBLIN, who returned with his Lordship by express
train to the Mansion-House.

All Fools' Day. A. report gained credence at the
Clubs, and thence was wafted to the Vatican by private
wire from 'Westminster, that BISHOP BHOADCHURCH
had been preaching in MR. STURGEON'S tabernacle, and
thence returned to Lambeth Palace on the knifeboard
of an omnibus.

Lady Day. The House of Ladies was opened for the
Session by the SPEAKERESS in person, who announced
in her Speech that the stringent Act of Parliament
which the House had passed last autumn, extending
the rights of married women to the privilege of latch-
keys, had been threatened with repeal by the Oppo-
sition in the House of Lords.

May Day. Banquet given to the President and
Members of the Royal Academy, to celebrate the fiftieth
anniversary of the making of the law which prohibits
the R.A.'s from hanging their own pictures; a task
which is performed now with far greater success by a
Committee of outsiders..

Waterloo Day. Great excitement was caused in ;
certain fashionable circles by a letter in the Times from
the COUNTESS OP COLNEY HATCH, complaining that
her Cook, though paid a salary of 500 a-year, insisted
upon having her own tea imported overland through '
Russia, and, besides receiving the usual bonnet-money '
and culinary perquisites, demanded to be found in
turtle-soup for supper, with a pint of iced champagne.

Derby Day. The annual contest of Aerial Veloci-
pedes was flown on the new course from Birmingham
to Bayswater, and resulted in a dead heat between
LOUD HELTER SKELTEU'S Tearaioay and CAPTAIN
STIRRUP'S Ilirjh Stepper, the race occupying twenty-
seven minutes three seconds and a half exactly.

Midsummer Day. Fancy undress ball and breakfast
given at the Guildhall, on the occasion of conferring
the Freedom of the City upon GENERAL Frrz-Bis-
MARCK, the President of Prussia.

Goose Day. Under the provisions of the Act for the
Prevention of Cruelty to Husbands, the Honourable
MRS. GB.EY MAYOR was sentenced to six weeks' exclu-
sion from the Opera, for having dragged her worser
half on a round of morning calls.

Lord Mayor's Day, Having been unanimously
elected to the onerous as well as honourable office of
Lord Mayor of this immense Metropolis (which now
covers the whole country from Bedford to Brighton,
and from Salisbury to Scuthend), Mr. Punch presided
at the banquet, which, as usual, was held in the Guild-
hall, and was honoured by the presence of the Sove-
reigns of Europe, together with the British Governor
of China, the KING op CALIFORNIA, and the EMPRESS
OP THE SOUTHERN DISUNITED STATES.

King's Birthday. Grand review of our Steam Sol-
diers upon Canterbury Common, in honour of the visit
of the EMPEROR OF AUSTRALIA. Upwards of a mil-
lion of Mechanical Troops were mustered to march past,
and the charge of the Steam Cavalry was described as
something wonderful. When the Emperor left the
field, a battery of " Woolwich Babies" (each a thirty
thousand pounder) opened fire in a salute, which was
distinctly heard at the Land's End and John o'Groat's
House.

DIARIES FOR THE YEAR.
THE TAILOR.

January. Moved up to London from the country
with my wife and children.

February. Obtained employment in a West End
establishment, and curried favour with my master's
customers.

March. Got access to the books of the firm, and
made copious extracts therefrom.

April. Became a widower, and married my master's
daughter.

May. Explained to my father-in-law that he was
completely in my power. Proved my position by refer-

ring to the extracts I had made from the journal and
the ledger. My father-in-law angry, but powerless.
Became his partner.

June. Very busy with legal proceedings against the
less important customers of the firm. Constant com-
munication kept up between our Solicitors and the
official representatives of the Sheriffs of London and
Middlesex.

July. Enjoyed a tour on the Continent. Travelled
strictly incognito under the nomme de voyage of " LE
BARON DE SMITH, Grand Milor 1 Anglais."

August. Back to business. Recommenced legal
proceedings, and called in all the debts of the firm.
Kuined the establishment, and divided the profits.
Father-in-law retired to Clapham.

September. Started business on mv own account in
the premises lately occupied by my father-in-law and
myself. Invented the Royal Khiva Overcoat. Got the
garment made by the machine girls for next to nothing,
and advertised it largely. Spent a great part of the
month in shooting over my new preserves in Sussex.

October. Explained to the important customers of
the late firm that my then partner (my father-in-law)
wui responsible for commencing legal proceedings against
any gentleman of higher rank than a baronet. Upon
this, important customers returned to my books by the
score, and unimportant customers (following the lead
of their betters) By the thousand.

November. Commenced to accommodate my cus-
tomers. Lent money at eighty-five per cent, to these
of them who could give me proper security. Found
this venture even a better thing than the sale of " the
Royal Khiva Overcoat, as advertised."

December. Financial business flourishing famouslv.
Half-a-dozen decoys bringing me customers (each with
two good names) daily. Nothing could be better.
Ended the year by eating my plum-pudding off silver
plate, and marrying my daughter (by my first wife) to
a parson!

A TREE OP WOE. The common Yew (Tnxiis bac-
cata), as an ornament of the churchyard, has acquired
melancholy associations. No wonder, considering its
botauical name, Taxut.

MODERN ILLUMINATION. February 1. Candlemas.
Haven't candles gone out ? Isn't it time tore-christen
the season ?

DIALECTIC WUT. Hoot awa', as the Scotchman said
to the owl.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1876.

[December M,lt>7\

THE CYNIC'S CALENDAlt.

(Melancholy Meins. on the Miseries of the Month.)

OCTOBER.

CHILL October, month unpleasant !
Now gun-maniacs ]>ot the pheasant.
Leaves are falling, fields are damp,
Can't go out without a Gamp.
All the Cackle family out,
Primed to prose and prompt to spout.
Zeal at zenith, nous at zero,
Season to trot out a Hero.
Money spent and temper flown,
Think of coming back to town.
Silly season ! Sense that "s sober
Shuns the precincts of October.

NOVEMBER.

NEXT November. Eugh! its presence
Brings black misery iu quintessence.
Sky a pall, and earth a bog,
Intermediate region fog !
Egypt's darkness could be felt,
Ours is worse, it may be smelt !
"Who to peace may make pretences,
Suffering through all his senses ?
Fog, big feeds, Guys, rows, and rockets,
Plague ears, eyes, nose, stomach, pockets.
1'awkes I 'd gratefully remember
Had he blown away November !

DECEMBER.

DREAR December ends the dozen.
One day flooded, next one frozen !
Christmas, falsely called the jolly,
Saturnalia of folly.
Gush, dyspepsia, decoration,
Shillingsworth's of stale sensation,
Parcel-plague. things known as " presents,' 1
Wines none want, superfluous pheasants.
Exit old year ! Crowning bother,
With next day begins another !
Bills, bad weather, bones, remember
Don't depart with dead December!

LOOKING vr OVR HISTORY. How few of those who
admire the roof of Westminster Hall remember that the
original Hull was built by WILLIAM RUFUS !

SEPTEMBER 29. Michaelmas Day. Roman Capitol
saved by geese. English Capital lost by ditto.

READING. Necessity is the Mother of Cabmen.

DIARIES FOR THii YEAR.
THE THIEF.

January. Having nothing better to do, started a
Bank. Christened it the Royal English, Welsh, Irish,
aud Scottish Banking Association. Appointed agents
in all the principal towns in the United Kingdom and
the colonies. Agents' premium, 100.

February. The Bank having failed, turned my atten-
tion to foreign countries. Got a concession to establish
railways in the North Pole. Immense rush of poor
curates and lone widows to invest their " little alls ' in
my speculation.

March. North Pole Railway Scheme exploded.
Started a journal with the aid of confiding papcnuaki-rs
and too trustful printers.

April. Newspaper ceased to appear. Issued a pro-
spectus of a Slate Mine. Rush of_half-pay Captains

gaged a company on credit, and "brought out" an
actor with a very small stock of experience, but a very
large banking account.

June. Theatre closed prematurely. Hurried on to
the Turf, and madu several heavy books upon forth-
coming events.

j,,/y, W.arned off Newmarket Heath. Purchased a
Church, and engaged a popular preacher. Pew routs
most lucrative.

August. Church'closed ; the popular preacher having
accepted a more advantageous appointment in America.
Bought some ground on a swamp cheap, and ran up a
"new neighbourhood" for invalids.

September. Several fevers having broken out in the
"new neighbourhood," house rents ceased to*be produc-
tive of profit. Established a new Club upon a new
principle.

October. Paid in all the subscriptions and entrance
fees of the new Club into my banking account, and
closed the Club-house. Indignation meeting of ex-
members. Bought a patent for substituting balloons
for steamboats.

November. Balloons having burst, became agent for
a foreign loan.

December. Foreign loan immensely productive.
Received half-a-dozen foreign orders of unusual magni-
ficence. Built several palaces in London, covered my
wife with diamonds, and drove to church on Christmas
Day in my own brougham !

THE CARD-PLAYER'S PARADISE. "The Palace of
Loo."

LINES ON LOVE.

(Hi/ a Postman on Valentine's Day.)
WHAT is this Love ? I never felt his fetters,
I hope they 're not so heavy as his letters.
Sure Lovers would be proof against his charms
Did their hearts ache as much as do my arms.
How sweetly soft so e'er Love-lines may be,
To have to carry them 's hard lines for me.
Would Love could give (perhaps the loved would douDt

them),

" Proofs before letters," or at least without them.
Perhaps the passion pleasure brings to most men,
I 'm sure it little brings but pains to Postmen.
Cupid quotha ! If 1 could snatch his bow
He 'd send no arrows through the G.P.O.

A DISTINCTION WITHOUT A DIFFERENCE.

(A Drama in two Arts illustrative, of .the peculiarities of the
British Idiom of End-dearmcnt.)

ACT I. Before (he Event.

Adolphus. Won't it make its adored happy by naming
the day then a playful little puss !

tieraph inn. Ah ! 1 suppose it must have its own way
a sa j young dog !

ACT II, After the Kant.

Seraphlna (with emphasis). ! when Mamma comes
you will not treat me so you insolent puppy !

Adolphus (with tlccidcrl ejnji/iasis). Ahfdou't talk
to me, you cat ! ! ! . ,,, . <

Curtain falls.

NOT QUITE THE TRUE RI\G.
THE DARBY JONESES have been celebrating their
Silver Wedding with great splendour.* Ill-natured
friends, recalling MK. DARBY JONES'S frequent moods
and MRS. DARBY JONES'S constant tempers, hint that
an electro-plated wedding would have been more like
the genuine article.

MAY 29, RESTORATION OF CHARLES II. Make
oak-apple pie. Enthusiastic loyalists would have
eaten it.

TOLERABLE TEST OF SOBRIETY. To pronounce
correctly the word " Disinterestedness."

THE SERVANT'S " WONT." Too often the reverse of
the Master's Will.

FINE SPEAKING. Calling a Water-cart a " Patent
Hydrostatic Van " !

" THE LITERARY MACHINE." The Penny-a-Liner.

December II. l7r.]

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1877.

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| January.

THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.

Monthly Memoranda by a Modern Momug.

' One seasoune for hawke and anothen* for hounde,
Hut foolf huntyng's a Sporte duretb all ye yeare rounde."

JANUARY.

JANUARY ! Month melancholy,
Save to connoisseur in folly !
J[e finds food for gay reflection.
" Happy New Year f " Ha! Ha! Affection
Truly cuts most comic capers.
Happy indeed ! Just watch the papers.
Were all happy ? I, for one,
Could not be. There'd be no fun.
Fools won't fail though. Send me. cards
Decked by daubers, rhymed by bards !
Grin and burn them. World won't vary.
Geese abound in January.

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h-. F uwn<i| February.

LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.

FOH JANUARY

WHY does Papa look so angry when he opens his
letters?

Why does he sav that Mamma must retrench ?
Why does he call the Milliner naughty names ?
Why did he want to kill the Tax-collector?
Why does he abuse the Butcher ?
Why does he call the Grocer a cheat ?
Why does he scowl nt Mamma's bonnet ?
Why won't he take me to see the Pantomime?

HOW DID HE TAKE IT ?
"Eeanti/ skin-deep t An envious saw, shaped by some

dry old stick! "
Ogling' himself, quoth PACHYDERM, a most conceited

elf.
" The Sage was right," his friend replied ; " but then

i/iiitr skin 's so thick,

That no one vet could ever see the beauty save
yourself!''

CANDLEMAS will this year be celebrated by many
llihuilist clergymen by burning nmdiYs in Itroiul day-
light. N.B. " Advanced Kitualist," a retrograde
Parson a clerical Crab who goes backward.

CHARACTERS IN COXTBAST. Young Freshmen and
Old Salts. .

LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.

FOR FEBRUARY.

Why do FLORIE and EFFIE say that the 14th is such
a ridiculous day ?

Why does FLORIE (who got such a lot of letters) say
she likes old customs ?

Why does EFFIE (who was forgotten by the postman)
sayshe thinks Valentines rather vulgar t

Why does Papa call young MR. CURLYWIQ " a
puppy"?

Why does EFFIE agree with him ?

Why does FLOKIE cry about it ?

Why does Mamma kiss her ?

THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAK.

FEBRUARY.

FEBRUARY ! Fools again,
Bampant, constant (like the rain).
Kink, look guys, court thumps and lumps !
Football, ditto, bruises, bumps !
Sport ? Aha ! Send purchased flummery,
Crassest form of Cupid's mummery !
Prig gets venomed Valentine,
Phiz delicious to divine !
Postman swears, of Love he's so jiti .
Muffs eat pancakes, get dyspeptic.
Sport to view each fresh vagary,
Lots of fun in February !

ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC EEMABKS.
(for StwJmla and Examiner!.)

Q. Define the Earth.

A. A round, impudent, unprincipled, body.

Q. Why impudent ?

A. Because it is a cool body travelling round the
sun, which is about the coolest thing we ever heard
of.

Q. Why unprincipled ?

A. Because it borrows what it cannot repay, and
makes light of it.

A Vi.ICE FfiOM THE LAXE.
WHY should com dealers prosper ? Why, ii
Walk down Mark Lane and mark how all suck SCTU!

SPLEXDIDF. MEXDAX. Lying in state.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOB 187?.

^December 1I.18T1

ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC REMARKS.
(Foe Students and Examintrs.)

Q. You say that " The attractive power of Bodies is in pro-
portion to the amount of matter they contain." Explain this.

A. Of course I didn't say anything of the sort, still I shall
be happy to afford you any information in my power. Evi-
dently a well-informed conversationalist is " company," and an
attraction in himself, as is a good pianist, a first-rate songstress,
and an agreeable, chatty, pretty woman. But the prettiest
woman in the werld loses all power of attraction if she has
only her face to depend on. She may always depend upon her
face, but you cannot be always hanging on her lips. A pin
ha a head, a cauliflower has a heart, a calf has brains : and
a pretty woman may have the head of a pin, the brains of a
calf, find the heart of a cauliflower. Beware in time !

'WHEN actors complain that all they require is "parts," they
generally tell the exact truth.

LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.

Why does EFFIE say she likes Lent ?

Why does MR. RUBRIC, the curate, agree with her ?

Why does EFFIE eat BO much lunch, and so little
dinner ?

Why does MR. RUBRIC only take fish at dinner ?

Why does EFFIE go to church twice a day f

Why is EFFIE working a pair of slippers ?

When will EFFIE pay me the sixpence she promised
ue for not calling MR. RUBRIC " MR. REDNOSE p "

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Km]' (i*r.h 1 March.

THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.

MARCH.

MARCH ! Girls frights with cold red noses,
Funnier sight than ditto roses !
Swells down gutters chasing " tiles,"
Sight that makes me wreathe with smiles.
East wind up, and dust a-flying,
Folks in streets seem all a-crying.
Fun to read how bellicose Pats
Celebrate St. Patrick. Flats !
Here's to Mars ! the pair with Cupid
(Viz. : at making mortals stupid).
Laugh till collar loses starch,
At fool'3 pranks in blustering March.

PROVERBS ILLUSTRATED.

(Sy M. P. J. FITZ-SOI.OMON, Escj.)
" BlEDS of a feather flock together,"
Else would they freeze this wintry weather.

" Charity begins at home ; "

Why send blankets to Africa, bibles to Rome ?

" Fast bind, fast find : "

Unhappy nobleman, bear it in mind.

" Kissing always goes by favour : "

If it did not, who would, like the flavour ?

SUB a beggar, and catch a ***** "
Holders of Turks, exhibit your twits.

" Money makes the Mare to go : "

And a Stockbroker's spouse is a lovely show.

'' Pound foolish and penny wise "

man who a mtll\nftire miser dies,
oul will know wuen it homeward flies.

away the Mice will play,"
t out of Session, they say.

LONDON PRACTICAL JOKES

One GoodPracticalJoke. The dust-carts, overloaded,
collecting dust, and adding to it at the same time, in
the hottest part of the most sultry day in July.

Another : The Water Carts. Turning the water on
suddenly at the corner of a street, and quite close to the
kerb, where there are Ladies and Gentlemen waiting to
cross. Real good fun this.

Another and a better Joke. Maundering cabs,
empty ; going at a walk. Driver sees somebody in the
middle of a crossing, helpless, and urges on his steed
with a flick of the whip, suddenly. Foot Passengers'
panic.

The liest Practical Joke in London is, perhaps, the
environs of Covent Garden Market at any time, but
specially from Friday night till Saturday midday. Im-
passable for cabs, and therefore generally chosen as a
short cut to any railway station by a cabman who knows
his fare is in a hurry. Covent Garden, however, is
beyond a joke ; it is simply a disgrace to the Metropolis.

THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.

ArniL ! Dedicate to Folly ;
Apemanthus might be jolly.
Cold ! Don't care for the thermometer,
Favourite instrument Foolometer !
High this month. Sumphs think it Spring,
Dress, and shake like anything.
Buds all a-blowing, so bards sing 'em;
Fancy Flora with a Gingham !
Girls look gay, fal-lals aud flowers,
Fun to sec 'em caught in showers,
Rain that forms adown one's nape rill,
Type of fool's spring-fudge in April

LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS,
ron APRIL.

Why do Mamma and the girls go to the Park ?

Why does Papa say it is folly ?

Why does FLORIE take me out ?

Why does she send me to play by myself when we
meet MR. CURLYWIO ?

Why does MR. CURLYWIQ give me a shilling not to
tell?

Why is FLORIE always asking for letters at the post-
office 'i

Why does EFFIE say such disagreeable things about
MR. RUBRIC'S engagement?

Why mayn't I smoke, like Papa?

THE BIGGEST MOTH IN CREATION. A Mammoth.

FASHION AND TASTE.
DIFFERENT people have different opinions :
Some like ringlets and some like chignons.

MEMORANDUM FOR MARCH. Biting North-easters.
Walk not in the teeth of the wind.

PREDICTIONS FOR THE FIRST OF APRIL. A broiling
hot day and a cloudless sky all serene. Thunder and
lightning, attended with a heavy shower of aerolites.
An eruption of the long quiescent volcano, Primrose
Hill. At the same time, a terrific cyclone, which un-
roofs the Houses of Parliament, whilst the Monument
is overturned, and St. Paul's swallowed by an earth-
quake. Oysters (there being yet an " r " in the mouth)
rise to a guinea apiece, and some fools buy them.

PLAGIARISM IN A POLICE-COURT. At Bow Street,
before the sitting Magistrate, MESSRS. BLANKTON,
Music Publishers, have up MESSRS. DASH FORD, other
Music Publishers, on a charge of stealing a March.

Btccmter 14, lt'6.1

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1877.

ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC KE1UEKS.

(Fur Student! and Sxamiiiet't.)

Q. " Gravity decreases with distance." Explain.

A.. Quite true and just so. However stupendous an idiot
a man may be, you cannot very well laugh at him to hia face,
specially if he b'c a remarkably mu-cular idiot. When he is
gone, or when you have gone, 01- when hia back is turned,
then he is, as the French say, " pour rirc" (which, according
to English sounding*, is a pirticularly h.ippy phrase as
applied to laughing behind any one's back), and when he
is a hundred miles off, you can put off your gravity, which is
an assumed liabit, and go into perfect jiti of laugtiter. Thus
yuu sec how ' gravity decreases with distance." Go away, I
want to laugh.

THE Liberal party are sadly in want of a good cry.
should have patronised Jo.

They

THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.

JUNB.

JUNE ! Rose-month. The rose I scorn,
Tickles me to trace the thorn.
I, sub-rota, scan society,
Fools in ever fresh variety.
Ruralizing now the go,

LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.

rou MAY.

Why do Mamma and the girls go to Court ?

Why does Papa say it 's perfectly disgraceful ?

Why docs Mamma smuggle the Dressmaker up the
back stairs ?

Why do the girls invite all their friends to come and
see them start ?

Why do their friends call FLORIE and EPFIE
" frights " when they think I am not listening ?

Why does EFHE say that Papa ought to know that
Mu. CUULYWIG would stamd by the carriage in the
Park ?

Why does FLORIE ask after MRS. RUBEIC ?

Why does Mamma give me some sweeties not to
say anything about the quarrel to Papa ?

Swells cry " jolly ',' find it " slow."
Slow ! that acme of the horrid
Swelldom's purgatory. Torrid
Weather ! Row then ! Duffers do so
Picnic,-|-comfortles3 as Crusoe.
Folly frisks to merry tune,
In the jocund month of June.

THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.

MAY.

MAY ! A merrv month indeed
To Diogenes ! 1 feed
Full on fooleries, phrenzied, frantic,
Critic cant and cockney centric.
Love to see R.A's. array,
Few can paint, but many pay.
List to Gosling Green's remarks,
Girls' warm gushes, awful larks!
Fair May buds ? They're few ; but rare
Budding boobies in Mavfair.
On the whole one should be gay
Who hunts fools in town in May.

ADVERTISEMENT FOR ALL FOOLS. An opera boiife
singer, having lost his voice, advertises a reward for its
recovery.

Bines OP SCIENCE. Naturalists are puzzled to
know why Swallows perch on the telegraph wires.
The reason is perfectly plain they are sending mes-
sages to say they are coming.

NEW CLASSICAL TRANSLATION. " Qui Jit Hceee-
nas i " Some commentators are of opinion that these
words were, in the first instance, addressed to this emi-
nent Roman by his tailor, and that they ought to be
rendered, " How does it tit, M.SCENAS P

A FOOL'S ERRAND. In the heat of the dog-days a
practical punster, very far gone, went to the Zoological
Gardens, to cool himself at the pole in the vicinity of
the Polar Bear. He complained of having found no
pole near that boar; the only bears that had a pole
being brown bears, and he saw them climb it, but didn't
feel himself at all tho cooler.

LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.

FOR JUNE.

Why did MR. CURLYWIG call upon Papa >

Why did they remain talking for two hours ?

Why was Mamma sent for ?

Why did FLORIE cry her eyes out P

Why did EFPIE say Papa was right to object ?

Why did FLORIE, after she had been down to Papa's
study, return smiling ?

AVhy did EFFIE look so angry when she told FLORIB
that she congratulated her ?

Why should that great lanky chap, CURLYWIO, be
made my brother-in-law P

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WHOM NOT TO MARRY :

Or, Dingents the Younger.

The Lady with a Mission. She will fill your house
with parsons or professors, lecture you on her pet hobby
when she can get no other audience (which will be
pretty often), consider all your old friends frivolous, and
treat you with supreme contempt if you venture to hint
that you like your dinner punctually, and properly
cooked.

The Lady of Fashion. She will regard you as an
appendage, a cheque-drawing animal, a useful purveyor
of equipages and dresses and diamonds and lace, a
person to be ignored as much as possible in Society.

The Millionaire' Daughter. She will persistently
make you aware that it is her house you live in, her
carriage you drive, that the servants are hers, the dinners
hers that, in fact, she has bought you, and given for
you much more than you are really worth.

The Pious-Parochial Lady. She will devote all her
time to the distribution of tracts, the inspection of
cottages, the collection of gossip, and interviews with
the Curate. Each Curate will be a more " blessed "

man than his predecessor, especially if he have the
shifty eyes, aggressive teeth, narrow forehead, and
shambling knees which modern Curatism has de-
veloped.

The Female Novelist. She will sit up all night
writing improprieties, and pass all day in town, worrying
publishers, who are at present sad victims of the irre-
pressible petticoat.

The Horsey Woman. She will laugh at you as a
muff if you don't ride across country, buy " screws "
from her particular friends that you will have to sell
for as many tens as she gave hundreds, and cost you a
fortune in doctors' bills by breaking her collar-bone at
least once every season.

The Gushing Female. She will devour you with
kisses, to the injury of your shirt-front, or weep on
your bosom, with much the same result. To her either
is equally delightful.

The Widow. DIOGENES pauses. The theme is too
great for him. Vide Mr. WelUr, Sen., in tickwick,
passim.

STICKING AT NOTHING. Fighting shadows.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1877.

I December 14, K?S.

MUSIC AT HOME.

I. DRAWING-ROOM Music op THE PAST A MELODY BY MOZART.

-H.-DKAWINU-UUI.M MOSIO OF THE PRESENT-A BRILLIANT FANTASIA FOR THE PlANO BY SlOXOR Ru.MBELsrOMSKlsI.

ASP INTE

1-TiOOM MUSIC OF THE FUTURE TWENTY- FOUR CONSECUTIVE INTERDEPENDENT LOGARITHMIC STUDIES FOR VIOLIN AND VlOLONCELU F PlFFEREN]

ORAL ACCOMPANIMENT ON THE PIANOFORTE, SUPPLEMENTED BY UNISONAL DESCRIPTIVE AND CORROBORATIVE VOCAL EXPOSITION is Fiyg MODERN LAS-GUAOES.

Prccmoer 14. 1S7C.J

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOB 1877.

JOCUS RITUALISTICUS.

Ritualistic Curatetwitli a mea to further innovation!). " ANYTHING FRESH, SIR, FOR tat FEAST OF ST. MICHAEL?"
facetious Vicar. "FEAST or ST. ?, MICHAELMAS ! OF COURSE, R-R-RoAST GOOSE AND APPLE SAUCE, MV EOT !l"

A "HOT CORNER." AUTUMN MANCEUVRES, 1876.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1877.

[December II, i

CURSORY RHYMES.

THERE was a little Gun
Weighing more than Eighty Ton,

Which made a great sensation, and a greater noise ,
Every trial shot, they found,
Cost quite five-and-twenty pound,

But there's not another nation got it's equal, Boys !

CAPTAIN O'Pip
Has lost his ship,
And can't tell how it founder'd.
Let it alone !
The salt sea foam
Will never let out who bluu-
der'd.

HI.

JACK McGiLL

With gout being ill,
Was ordered Vichy water :

But feeling down,

Poured out " Old Brown,"
And finished a tumbler after

IV.
PpLLINARY,

Light and airy,

How does your fountain flow ;
Cockles, squills,
And camomile pills,

To the dogs with the rest
may go.

DICKY TANXHAUSER

Made such a noise, Sir,

Letting off fireworks yellow

an' green :
What to him might be

music,
Would nearly make you

sick;
! sure such a Wag ne'er as

this has been seen.

VI.

HEY diddle, diuaie !
A slate in the middle ;
A message come down from

the moon.

The medium he laughea,
To see such sport,
And took in the too-credulous
spoon.

ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC REMARKS.
{For Students and Examiners.)

Q, Can you define Longitude ?

A. Yes, if you allow me a certain Latitude.

Q. As this application cannot for a moment be enter-
tained, we will pass on to another subject. What do
you understand by " a question of Time 'f "

A. My asking you what o'clock it is.

HOUSEHOLD PROVERBS.

First catch your heir, and
then hook him.

Scratch a millionaire, and
you '11 find a snob.

When the chaperonc conies
in at the door, the lover Hies
out of the window.

Too many cooks spoil the
policeman.

The cook's nose, shows where
the money goes.

No savings, no sweetheart.

Borrow in haste and repay at
leisure.

You can't wear your lady's
gown and have it in the ward-
robe.

Marsala under any other
.name will be as cheap.

There's no school like the
old school.

No Alp without a tourist.

COOK looks on many tourists,
the tourists see but one COOK.

LIMITED LIABILITY COMPANIES.

XT is proposed to form a Syndicate for the establish-
ment of Companies with strictly limited liabilities to
carry out various useful purposes. Now that nobody
cares to buy Turks and Egyptians, investors will doubt-
less be glad to hear of ventures whose shares will imme-
diately reach a big premium. Among them may be
mentioned

A Company for the Suppression of Unsatisfactory but
Opulent Uncles and Aunts,
and the proper Distribution
of their Assets among their
younger Collaterals.

A Company (under the pre-
sidency of SIR WiLi'itii)
LAWSON) for introducing Malt
and Hops into Ale, and eli-
minating Fusel Oil from
Whiskey.

A Company (under the pre-
sidency of SIR CHARLES
DILKK) for Improving the
quality of Modern Criticism.

A Company (under the presi-
dency of LOUD SHAFTESHURY)
for tlie Vivisection of Scien-
tific Professors. Shorthand
writers will be engaged to re-
port their remarks during the
operation.

A Company [for Ostracising
Fishmongers who sell Oysters
out of Season.

A Company for Inoculating
Upholsterers with the First
Principles of Decorative EH'eet.
A Company for Quietly Re-
moving the Turks from Europe
into Asia, and keeping them
there.

A Company for Carrying
Honesty to the Stock "Ex-
change, Honour to Tattcrsall's,
Gaiety to Buckingham Palace,
and Sea-water to London.

A NUT POR NORSEMEN. The
Cupid of the Scandinavian mythology was Balder.
He is represented, however, with a head of natural

air. Had he been simply bald, he would have worn a
wig.

ASTRONOMICAL.

BEAUTY, unwedded, seen at rout or ball,
Is like the noonday sun which shines on all.
When Hymen's ring o'er Beauty's finger slips,
That sun oft suffers annular eclipse !

MODERN ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

Captain Brown (narrating hit Trip to the Continent). " THEN, or COURSE, WE BAN cows TO GRANADA,

AND sw THE ALHAMBRA "

Captain Jinkt (untravetted Athlete). " No ? I WHAT, HAVE THEY GOT ONE THERE TOO ! 1 "

PRyE:STNTIA VERIS.

A TOKEN from the coming

Spring

Has greeted me to-day,
Which tears into my eyes can

bring,
And stop me on my way.

'Tis not that in the pathway

lies

A primrose heedless tost ;
'Tis not the martyr bud which

dies
Before the lingering frost.

Nor yet the subtle whisper,

heard
Clear 'mid the blustering

wind,
That tells of flower, and bee,

and bird,
And April days behind.

No! 'twas that while
eager pace

with

fitful jtilue

Heedless I hurried by,
A gnat, the firstling of the

race,
Flew straight into my eye !

ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC REMARKS.
(For Students and Examiners.)

Q. Under what conditions does a body fall to the
earth?

A. The conditions vary. But when a body is asked
afterwards, the answer attributes the accident either to
the heat of the room, or the salmon, or the cucumber,
or something that has disagreed with it (the body in
question), but in no case is any reference made to the
wine.

POETA NASCITl'R, SON FIT.

We have changed all that.
There is now extensively ad-
vertised a " Singer Manufac-
turing Company."

THE PAY'S THE THING.
Recruits are in request. Let
them see a little more of the
colour of your money. That
is the flag to rally round.

TOM TIPPLER makes his grog so strong, that he is
obliged to me toughened glass.

MEM. BY A BACHELOR.

(Who narrowly escaped being a Benedict.)

MARRIAOE a lottery P Yes ! My stars I thank

That I have drawn 'its greatest prize a blank !

A MEDICAL TITLE. Sur-geon.

Punck'i Almanack.]

PVNCHIVS - IMPERA

R - A.D. MDCCCLXXVII.

xeatoalt. 1WB.

Bf Cfmbor U, 18T6.]

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1877.

SPIRITUALISM MADE USEFUL.

WHO KNOWS ? What sized bowl is required to
drown care in ?

PROPER FARE. What would you expect to find on
a literary man's breakfast-table r Bacon's Remains,
Final Memorials of Lamb, if ii

THE MOST UNKINDEST CUT OP ALL. Presenting
an unfortunate who has invested his little all in Turkish
Bonds with a Porte-monnaie.

CAUTION TO " COMICAL DoGS."-Remember how
ma "y J kes ma - v be classed under these two heads K-

WHAT OUGHT TO Go TOGETHER. A turnip watch
and an eighteen-carat gold chain.

DOMESTIC. It was a homely but pungent observa-
tion, on the part of a man of much experience and ob-
servation, that marriage without love \vas like tripe

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1877.

[Ttecember 14,

DELICATE ATTENTION.

ConMing Spinster. "I'u AFRAID THE SEA is TOO COLD FOR ME THIS MORNINO, MR. SWABBER.'
Bathing Man. " COLD, Miss I LOR' BLESS VER, I JUST TOOK AND POWERED A KITTLE o' BILIN'

WATER IN TO TAKE THE CHILL OFK, WHEN I SEE YOU A COMIN' !'

A LITTLE SURPRISE.

Matter Tom (November A). "ROBERT AND ME MADE 'EM ALL OURSELVES, UNCLE, FOR TO-MORROW NIGHT, IN HONOUR o' TOUR VISIT I

lUncle John tries to look delighted, but has a shrewd suspicion that his Bed-chamber is directly cater this Magazine .'

timber 14, 1

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1877.

PICTURES OF THE DAY fTO COME).

I. PROCESSION OF THE FASHIONABLE FEMALE FORM DIVINE, HEADED BY MONSIEUR WOUTH.
(Wltk Mr. Punch's Apologies to Mr. Leighton.)

DOCTOR MEILANION JOXES, FINDING HIMSELF OUTSTHIPFLD IN THE RACK FOR PATIENTS HV THE KAIH DOCTORKSS ATALANTA ROBINSON, OALUNTLV Tiir.ows HER *

iNo, AND WINS THE DAY. (jfitk Mr. Puucl.-t Apologies to Mr. Poyntir )

EXTRAORDINARY DISAPPEARANCE. The other day
at 1 P.M., luncheon-time, a hungry man walked into 'a
pigeon pie. He has not been seen since.

THE HEBREW PASTORAL NYMPH. Old Chloe.

THAT Paloeocrystie sea has one paradoxical pecu-
liarity : though ice-locked, itjloes on for ever.

To SCHOOL-BOARDS. There is something for better
than school before breakfast breakfast before school.

THE HEIOHT OF SINCERITY. Wishing an aged
person, at whise decease you will come into property
many happy new years.

THE VERREY IDEA. Let 's have some lunch.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1877.

CDtcimbtr 14, 187.

ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC REMARKS.

(For Stmleats a'l Exa>ni*eri.)

Q. la the Earth ever at rest ?

A. Never: and not likely to be as long as its principles of action
liave a tendency to keep it in a perpetual state of revolution.

Q. The Earth ni'jvcs, eli ?

A. Yes, at a meeting of the ploneti it always moves a resolution.

0. That is not an answer. Is it uu ascertained lai-t that the Earth
moves ?

A. No: but it is an ascertained fact that tie sen does, and the
edict is most unpleasant. Judging from our sensations on shore.
which are generally of a pleasurable character, we should say that
the Earth doe* imt'mme. But fend a boy out to watch. I'll go, it'
you'll give me five shilling.

How TO GET nil) OF A Bom;. Make an appointment to inert
him on Wi.terlmi Bridge, and throw him over.

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July.

LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.

FOR JULY.

WhyareFLORiE and CHAD\viCK(that'sCuRLYWio)
always together ?

\Vliy do they always sit together in the morning
room !"

Why does FLORIE give me shillings not to sing a
song about the baboon who married the monkey's
sister ?

Why doesn't old C'liAUDY like being called " Daddy
I.onglegs" when I come down to dessert':'

Why does KFFIE laugh at the name ?

Why does FLORIE say she knows why ErriE eueou-
r:ires me to be rude ?

Why does EFFIE want to know what FLORIE
means ?

Why does FLOHIE ask again after MBS. RUBRIC ?

AUTUMN TINTS.

BELIETEBS in the Canards of the silly season
Green.

Mater familias when pater familias suggests post-
ponement of the autumnal outing Black.

Paterfamilias totting up the expenses of ditto ditto-
Blue.

LAURA'S cheeks when the long expected " pop " is
brought off at Scarborough Coiilntr-de-Kose.

Ditto, ditto, when papa and mamma "won't have it"
White.

Tip-tilted noses exposed to nipping equinoctials-
Bed.

LADY FITZ FALDERAL' s locks when she arrived at
" that out of the way hole," Slowcum-on-Splash
Golden.

Ditto ditto after a week's sickness and the loss of her
dressing-case Grey.

JACK IMFECU'S holiday suit (third season's wearing)
Russet.

M.P's. autumnal "spout" to his constituents-
Party-coloured.

NATIVE LAND OF KNOWLEDGE. The Isle of Scio.

THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.

JULY.

JULY ! Mercury up to " melting."
Grand to see great gabies pelting
After, what f A leathern sphere !
True " pursuit of folly " here.
What would old ERASMUS say ?
I swig " Iced Hatfield," and survey.
Girls look on, their boredwn's shocking,
Might set Mephlstophelet mocking.
Cricket, perfect type of life,
Dull display and aimless strife.
Need no other goose-round try
Than " the Oval " in July.

THE NEW CRUSHER QUADRILLE.

(A most fashionable dance, as performed at the most crowded
balis of the season.)

FIRST FIGURE. La Pastajoke. Opposite couples
set-to and squeeze, walk on each other's toes, attempt
to turn round, fail completely, and return to their places.
Chahie tics flumes. Struggle of gentlemen to recover
their respective partners.

SECOND FIGURE. L'SttloM. Advance three inches
to opposite lady. Drive your elbows into crowding
neighbours. Walk through both dancers' skirts, and
back into opposite gentleman's waistcoat. Exchange
cards. Set to your partner. Balance: on next man's
instep, and apologise. Mop foreheads all round.

THIRD FIGURE. La Long Poule et la Poule all
together. Hands across and back again. Wriggle up
to ris-d-i'is. Carry off polonaises and round dos-d-dos.

, Clear your legs, and close with your partner. Surge to

! right and left, and resume position as you were. Take

| out a reef in waistcoat.

FOURTH FIGURE. La Touchanclyo. Advance, if

I possible. Lift your partner on to your via-d-ris. Re-
main deaf to all expostulations. Chassez-croisez, See
what you can, and return to your places. Lose tail of
your coat, and swear ailently. Cavalier seitl,

FIFTH FIGURE. Grand Corn Galop. Up and down
on your own ground and your neighbours' corns. Pas
sen'l on an Alderman's pet bunion. Change partners,
to your own advantage, if possible. Get hopelessly
mixed up with another set. and sink exhausted and

1 completely crushed behind a block of ice. whither three
couple have already retreated in hopes of a breath of
air.

LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.

FOR AUGUST.

Why is FLORIE to be married next month ?

Why does Papa say he requires change of air ?

Why is he going to Paris with his friend, MR. SKY-
LARK"?

Why does Mamma say it is shameful ?

Why does Papa quarrel with Mamma ?

Why does Papa get out his cheque-book ?

Why does Mamma sigh, and kiss him 'i

Why mayn't I go to Paris with Papa, as well as
MK. S'KYLAKK?

THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.
AUGUST.

AUGUST ! Mimes raise one more Moloch,
Quit the wicket and the rowlock.
At the sea-side, those who've leisure
Toil, stare, weary, call it " pleasure.''
Society ! a Simple Simon
That might tickle sternest Timou.
EDWIN wooes his ANGELINA
To sound of nigger's concertina.
Pater familias spends much money,
To be bored, B. flatted. (Funny'!)
Till sent home by early raw-gust,
Which he thanks. I do love August.

MEM. BY MOSHESH.
! TIIISH practish of punning, now growing the rule,
| Needsh like those who add monish to monish

admonishment.

I 'd deal capital punishment out to the fool
i Whosh ev'ry remark for a capital pun ish meant !

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1877.

ASTRONOMICAL AMI SCIENTIFIC REMARKS.
(For S/it'l'n's and Ejram>i"ff.

I/. What do you mean by " Greenwich Time ? "

A. \Vcll, I ihrald ; iy from April to July, after wlii.li the
whitebait arc worthli'S-.

(/. What i< " mean time" at Groenwji h ':

A. It has two significations. For example, the first i- win n
my ni"thcr-iii-law romci to spend a day with my wife, and /
am HI?" n-tntif at firf >"''>r/,.

.. Ami the second signification ':

A. When you are asked to join a friend at Greenwich, and In
won't stand you a dinner, or refuses to pay for I'onimcry
tr< n !!'.

GOOD PLATE TO SEND UNRULY LADS TO. Tin
BM\ ^' Home, Yarmouth.

REI.KASE. -1'uuu;.' .ifl':i .

LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.

THE CAP-AKD-BELL CALENDAU.

SEPTEMBER.

SEPTEMBER ! Month a regular stunner :
No such gaby as your gunner.
Tramps through turnips, sludge, or stubble,
Alter game not worth the trouble.
Nuts to me ! I eat ripe fruits
And shoot folly as it shoots !
Spouters ton, St. Stephen's shut-
Vent irresponsible boslx big butts.
Cauru-es for free discussion,
Ji.ff., rows and brain-concussion.
Sportsman, Congressist, ami "Member,"
Split my midriff in September.

LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.

FOR SEPTEMBER.

'Why is every room in the house turned topsy-
turvy V

Way is EFKIE so very cross ?

Why does FLORIE get so many visits from her old
schoolfellows ?

Why is old CHABDY always in the way ?

Why is old CHADUY always being sent on errands ?

Why docs Mamma cry when FLOKIE tries on her
wedding-dim ':

Why does EFFIE say that white isn't becoming to
FLORIE ?

What toys will Papa bring me home from Paris ?

ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC REMARKS.
(For Students and Examitwt.)

Q. Can you explain the phenomena of Sunrise and
Sunset ?

A. Certainly. It will take some considerable time,
so if you "11 have the legs of yesterday's Turkey grilled
and devilled, and a few slices of plum-pudding fried,
and a bottle of your very best at ninety-nine shillings
a dozen, with cigars to match, all ready by ten o'clock
I'll come and explain everything. Yes, Sir, there
shall be no secrets between us. We won't go home till
daylight does appear, and we'll soon find out what it
is that goes round, whether it's the Earth : or not.
{End of examinations.)

THE Police have made a great raid upon dogs, yet
they cannot catch one Collie.

WE scoff nt savages who bow down before strange
idols, yet we invariably " worship" the Bench.

ron OCTOBEB.

Why does Papa say lie wishes it over ?

Why does Mamma think lie might be more amiable,
as she has had all the trouble ?

Why are we all to go to church ?

Why is old CHADDY dressed in a blue frock-coat ?

What do they all cry about at the big breakfast ?

Why does old CHADDY go away with FLORIE ?

Why does EFFIE siy that poor FLOUIE never looked
worse in her life ?

Why mayn't I have some more cake?

THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.

OCTOBER.

OCTOBER \ Surely no month else is
.Like it. Folly in exeehit !
Boobies everywhere. Half sorry,
Scarcely time to pot each quarry.
Sciencc-spouters make me chuckle
Till wet eyes need vigorous knuckle.
Cap-and-bclls upon a platform,
0, but Folly ! nch in that form !
Love to see it pose and stammer,
Labouring out each party crammer.
DRACO himself could not keep sober,
At public Goose-show in. Octooer.

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October.

SOCIAL STATISTICS.

A LODGER in a quiet street (according to advertise-
ment) has counted six and thirty barrel-organs, three
monster pony-drawn ditto, eleven Anglo-German bands,
seven dancing pifferari, fifteen troops of Sable singers,
at least a score of solo-players on the harp, the flute,
the fiddle, the key-bugle, and the tom-tom, nineteen
begging ballad-bawlers, six or seven sailors singing
nasal psalms, and five and twenty howlers of " ten-a-
pi'imy warnuts," visiting its precincts within a single
day.

It is currently believed that, in spite of the Police,
and the Mendicity Society, the yearly income of the
beggars in the street? of the Metropolis in the aggregate
exceeds three hundred thousand pounds.

It has been estimated that at a dance of ninety-three
young people the words, " so glad, don't you know ! "
are used upon an average eleven times a minute, and
the phrase, " awfully jolly ! " as many as nineteen.

It is computed that the Autographs, which, on sundry
shallow pretexts, have been extracted from Englisn

authors and artists of celebrity within the present
century would, if they were set up in a column of the
very smallest type, now current in our newspapers,
overtop by more than four-fifths of a furlong the heights
united of the Monument, the Clock Tower, the Nelson
Column, and St. Paul's.

The weight of the Valentines sent last year through
the Post Office exceeded by some ounces twenty-seven
tons.

The number of Puns made yearly on the worda
' : tongue ' ' and " trifle ' ' by young Gentlemen at supper-
time amounts, it is computed, to five millions and
fifteen.

NEW CLASSICAL TRANSLATION'. " ^Vc cede malit "
Do not give way to the temptation of eating apples.

WHAT A NAME FOR OUR CLIMATE. "Merry-
weather ! "

REGULAR CANNIBALISM. A morning paper asserts
that the " true function of the Militia is to feed the
Line!"

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1877.

:Dccembor 14, 1878.

i\- W ^_:- >J i/V

fiSfem

They essayed SANKEY'S psalmody 'neath SAGITTARIUS,

With vocal effects the reverse of hilarious.

MOORE AND BURGESS came next, as they neared CAPRI-

COHNUS,

Cried he," This won't do! Cognoscenti will scorn us!"
But, alas ! they 'd sing naught, as they entered AQUA-

RIUS,

But vapid Virginia's versicles various :
And so when the Sun was just entering PISCES,
He turned up that triad of Musical Misses.

THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.

NOVEMBER.

NOVEMBER ! Month of fogs and guys,

Noodledom's own paradise,

Folly takes a civic turn.

Ah ! if all the guys they 'd bum

On the fifth, as lots do one,

Life indeed were void of fun.

Rising mom with rosy kirtle,

Pale to Lord Mayor, at his turtle,

Rising rubicund to show

Elocutional " Old Clo ! "

No ! were Wit at its last ember,

It would flame, stirred by November.

LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.

FOR NOVEMBER.

Why does the Doctor say Mamma wants change cf
air?

Why doesn't Papa like Brighton ?

Why does Mamma say, " Of course it isn't so pleasant
as Paris ! "

Why does Papa say, " Anvthing for a quiet life."

Why are we all going to Brighton ?

Why does EFPIE like the Skating Rink ?

Who's the chap in the moustaches ?

Why does he help EFFIE ?

A ZANY'S ZIG-ZAG ROUND THE ZODIAC.

A Rhymist quand mi,ns has ea'aycd in these lines
An auti ph >uetu act-io with the Sigaa.

A MUSIC-MANIAC, bom under ARIES,

Had three virgin vocalists, all of them MARIES.

He taught the fair three, while the Sun was in TAURUS,

To chant the loud wailings of WAGNER in chorus.

It solaced his soul, and he cried, "With these women I

Hope to work wonders before we reach GEMINI."

But alas! by the time when the Sun was in CANCER

He found tonjoun WAGNER with women won't answer.

And so, while the Sun was careering through LEO,

He taught them a tender and twittering trio,

But they tiffed, and then wouldn't keep time in it, ergo,

He wrote a new song for each virgin, in VIRGO ;

Yet they all of them "struck" for more money in

LIBRA,
Not one would sing "do" nor (without a big bribe)

"ray."
He sighed, when he found them all silent in SCORPIO,

LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.

FOR DECEMBER.

Why won't the chap in the moustaches help me
along as well as EFFIE ?

Why does Mamma want to know what I mean !

Why does EFFIE say I am always telling stories ?

Why does she pinch me when we are alone ?

Whv does Papa say that " he will horsewhip the
scoundrel " ?

What 's the meaning of " an elopement " ?

Why does Papa say, " Well, we are rid of both of
them ! "

And, lastly, why does Mamma cry, and kiss me, and
tell me to be a good boy, as I am the only one left ?

THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.

DECEMBER.

DECEMBER! Now the picture-papers
Folly urge to cut fresh capers,
To my special delectation ;
Nous deserts the entire nation.
Christmas, Fetish with red nose,
Makes all men as mummers pose,
Cant of charity, chant the carol,
Meaning, love of board and barrel,
Orgies amorous and Bacchic !
Nemesis in form Stomachic
Makes Old Motley's mimes remember
Folly's Dance in drear December.

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|wu.g.t 8 .| December.

L'tllt -s/lfl aouf ft

ET .

'How

warp

wondrous that V^AONEH she-tempers should
p. Heigho ! "

ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC REMARKS.
(For Students and Examiners }

Q. How would a modern gun-smith describe the solar
system

A. As a " central fire, and a lot of revolvers."

Q. Is it true that foreign stocks rise and fall under
the influence of any of the Heavenly Bodies ?

A. Yes. But the cause can only be satisfactorily re-
ferred to the action of those eminent financiers the
Great and Little Bear.

CHRISTMAS CAROL.
(By a Pi or Expectant of Perks.)
AIR " When other Up3," &c.
WHEN other Govs. for other clerks

Shall "strike upon the bell,"
And proffer, liberal and no larks,
The " tips" they love so well
Perhaps in that ecstatic hour

Old " Screws" may softened be.
touch him, though he 's close and clour !
Then, Yule, remember me !

When geese and turkeys fly about,

And fi' pun-notes abound;
When hampers tall, capacious, stout,

In passages are found ;
When pass the bottle and the cask

E-lee-mo-syn-ar^,
At such a season I 'd but ask,

Dear Yule, remember me !

HUNTING APPOINTMENTS. Omce-scekiag.

twerabtr ii. HH.l

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1878.

LONDON: PUNCH OFFICE, 8.5, FLEET STREET, E.G.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1878.

[December 14, 18"'

IN-LAW

FEMALE CLUBS v. MATRIMONY.

Miss Firebmix " SEND YOCR HORSE HOME, AND STOP AND DINE HERE WITH ME, JULIA ! I'VE ASKED TRIXY EATTLECASH AND EMILY SHEPPARD."
Mrs. Boltngbrolce Tompkins, nie Julia midrake (ith a si^h of regret for the freedom of Spinsterhood atid tlie charms of Club life). "CAST, MY DEAR GIRL I

W 'S JUST GONE BACK TO YORKSHIRE, AND POOR BOLLY S ALL ALONE ! "

MY SAINTED OLD FATHER-

LOVE IN LACONICS.

He. Love you ! Have me, dear ?
She. Humph! How much a year ?
He. Three hundred ! Expectations.
She. Tales of hope! Eolations?
He. Aunt. Ten thousand pounder.

Eighty. Always found her

Liberal. Thinks me CRICHTON,

Seedy now at Brighton.

Made her will, a right 'un !
She. Ah! -dwMi-icipations,

Like ic in equations

Unknown quantity I

Question ! Let me see,

Love + "screw" + x

(Latter for expecs)

Equals Me + You !

Hardly think 'twill do !

Do not wish to vex,

But, first find out x \
He. If I prove x ample
She. I "11 no longer trample

On your hopes.
He. Agreed !

She. Hope you may succeed !

CHEMISTRY OP COMMON LITE.
A distinguished Professor of Chemistry
suggests that the nomenclature of that
science might be drawn upon for a
variety of pretty additions to female
names. Having himself a family of
five girls, he has named them respec-
tively, GLYCERINE, PEPSINE, ETHYL,
METHYL, and MORPHIA.

ECONOMY OF "Tips." Two six-
pences are better than a shilling, three
groats better still, and, better yet, four
threepenny-pieces.

MELANCHOLY REFLECTION (by a
Common Councillor'). "This will be
poor Temple Bar's last Christmas ! "

NEAR REGENT CIRCCS. People
who live in Glasshouse Street, shouldn' t
throw stones.

THE WHIRLIGIG OP TIME.

01] Wiggles (delighted). " THERE 's THAT DEAR OL D BONNET ' COMING IN ' AGAIN, I DECLARE I

PKOVERBS FOR THE TIMID
HUNTSMAN.

Dressing.

THERE'S no toe without a corn.

If the boot pinches bear it.
Breakfast.

A snack in time, saves nine.

Faint hunger never conquered tough
licel'-steak.

Mounting.

You can't make a hunter out of a
liin'd hack.

The nearer the ground the safer the
seat.

In U(c Field.

Take care of the hounds, but the
fence may take care of itself.

Too many brooks spoil the sport.

One pair of spurs may bring a horse
to the water, but twenty will not
make him jump.

It is thc'howl that shows the funk.

Fools break rails for wise men to go
over.

Snobs and their saddles arc soon
parted.

At Luncheon.

A flask in the hand is worth a cask
in the vault.

Cut your sandwiches according to
your stomach.

Coming Home.

The nearer the home, the harder the
scat.

Bed-time.
It's a heavy sleep that has no turning.

MORAL FOR THE MONTH. Lions
will be Lions. When March comes in
like a Lion we must put up with his
airs.

TO THE COLDSTREAM GUARDS.
"Ariston, men, hudor."

December II, 1677.]

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1878.

THE TELEPHONE."^

PLACE Bedford Square. TIME 8 A.M.
Paterfamilias (miking tip). "WHAT'S THE MATTER, JEHIMA?"

Ituterfamilius. " IT 's I>EAIV CHARLEY GOT A DINNER-PARTY. THE SLINOSBY ROBINSONS
FBOM COLOMBO, ARE THESE, AND CHAKLEY 's JUST PROPOSED OUB HEALTHS so Nirn

JUST LISTEN TO THE CHEERS ! "

Puter/umilias. " ALL RIGHT I WAIT A MINUTE, AND I'LL RETURN THANKS!"

PLACE South Kensington. TIME 10'30 A.H.
Matilda. " OH, MAMMA, SUCH FUN ! JACK HAS GOT SOME MEN FROM THE BUSH TO

SUPPER, AND THEY WANT HIM TO BlNO ' MY PRETTY JANE,' AND HE WANTS YOU TO PLAY

THE ACCOMPANIMENT FOR HIM."

Careful Mamma (opening the Piano). " CERTAINLY, MY DEAR. Bur I WOULD PREFER
TOO NOT LISTENING ASY LONGER TO THE MERRIMENT GOING ON in JACK'S Hurl"

8UARTETTE FROM ' RlOOLLETTO ' FULL ON. BUT MIND YOU CLOSE ONE TAP BEFORE
PENINQ THE OTHER 1 " Buttons. " YES, MUM ! "

BY THE TELEPHONE SOUND is CONVERTED INTO ELECTRICITY, AND THIN, BY COMPLETISO

THE CIRCUIT, BACK INTO SOUND AGAIN. JONES CONVERTS ALL THE PRETTY MrSIC HE
HEARS DURINCJ THE SEASON INTO ELECTRICITY, BOTTLES IT, ANB PUTS IT AWAY INTO BINS

FOR HIS WINTER PARTIES. ALL HE HAS TO DO, WHEN HIS GUESTS ABRIVE, is TO SELECT,

UNCORK, AND THEN COMPLETE THE CIRCUIT ; AND THERE YOU ARE I

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1878.

1 December H, U77.

F :Kmp.Grr.h.
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87 W :jmrs 1. d.

28 TUfUphMl h.

29 K JB. Tow ton
3U,S Sicil. V*t>p.
31IS MS. in L.ni

THE SEASONS.
A Domestic Drama in Four Acts.

DRAMATIS PERSONJE.
HE (her Husband). SHE (his Wife).

ACT I. SPRINO.

SCENE His Library. Enter SHE.
She. 'Tis spring ! my love, come forth into the garden.
He (grumpily). I 've got these bills to check !
She (reproachfully). You hourly harden,

Is this the dear romantic boy I

He (shortly). Rubbish !

You deem me a Diogenes harsh and tubbish ;
But pray remember that a kiss or sonnet
Won't pay your milliner for that new spring

bonnet !

She. Would' st coin love's bullion? Oh! there's some-
one misses

Those " sweet bilabial bagatelles called kisses,"
I quote your words, Sir !

He. I was then a stupid ;

I Ve now to think of Cook as well as Cupid.
Go ! gather butter-cups and poesies utter,
And leave me here to look to, bread-and-butter !

Only pray don't take cold, because

She (eagerly). Well, dearest?

He. well, because this wind's of the severest ;

And that last doctor's bill is dreadful !
She (hysterically) . Oh !

That 's all ! Then cold or not, bohoo ! I go !
(Exit with a "Jlouaee.")

GARDENING OPERATIONS FOR THE MONTH.

IF the reader has carefully studied the directions we
have not yet given him, he will by this time have a
fine crop of weeds and nettles to reward him for his
pains. Remember that nettles do not sting this month.
In order to impress this truth firmly, but playfully, on
the minds or rather fingers of the rising generation,
take your children (if you have any) into your garden
(if you have one) ; if not, by the bye, take somebody
else's children into somebody else's garden. (The
owners of both, if they are good fellows, won't mind,
and will enter heartily into the spirit of the thing.)
Having informed them of the above fact, request them
to gather nettles. When they have done crying, point
out to them how necessary it is in this world to be
prudent and cautious, and not to be led astray byhiffh-
sounding phrases.

How to get rid of Weeds. We only know of two
trustworthy methods. One is burning. But there is no
fun in this, unless the wind is in the right direction,
mid your neighbours' windows are wide open. We
therefore recommend pulling them up, and throwing
them over the wall into the next garden. Settle with
the owner thereof as best suits you.

Much pleasure can now be obtained by throwing
stones at your conservatory, but this is an expensive
amusement, and can only "be carried out to perfection
in very large establishments, or if you are fortunate
enough to live in close proximity to an Academy for
Young Gentlemen.

Many gardeners now plant potatoes ; we advise eating
them. Also, don't hoe your turnips ; mash them. The
skilful amateur ought now to have a very fine show of
potted peas, and preserved beans. Pickled cabbage,
onions, and walnuts, now nourish. The common mis-
take is to transplant old oaks and ancient elms, during
this month, from somebody else's garden into your own.
We decidedly reprehend this system, as its results are
often disagreeable to the transplanter. Many Lady
Correspondents (to whom we must really remark tha't
Mistletoe is not spelt with a Z), want to know if this is
not a favourable season to plant that favoured parasite
on chandeliers and over door-wavs. This is a branch
of husbandry on which we can offer no opinion without
personal experience. (N.B. Office hours twelve to four,
but in the middle of the day we go out for three hours
to lunch.) Apples, oranges, and pears, ought now to
be in great profusion at greengrocers'. Now pot out
beer. You may also sow cucumbers and vegetable
marrows, with the pleasing conviction that they won't
come up. _ The few flowers that bloom at this dull
season, chiefly flourish in the button-holes of young
amateurs. If your gardener has been indulging in the
festivities of the season, you will now find it necessary
to discharge him.

ANECDOTES OF HIGH LIFE.

A ROUGH and his wife were quarrelling at the door
of a public-house. Accidentally, to them up comes
Bobbv Al.

"'Ere! What are you a doin' of "ere?" inquired
the Ann of the Law.

"I'm a goin' to liquor," answered SIKES, the
People's William.

" Lick her, are you ? Then you come along o' me."
And he walked him off.

Explanations .... and they all liquored.

INFANCY IN- SLUMBER. Kidnapping.

SOME PLANETARY ASPECTS FOR 1878.

JUPITER IN OCCULTATION.
AGAINST the ruler's role my pride revolts,
Who marks my nods, or heeds my thunderbolts ?
The Radical Prometheus has the pull,
With revolution all my realm is full.

Or yes turn Editor of some Court journal.

PUNCH.

Aye, do ! A Jupiter out of luck should prove
A most superior Jenkins. Try it, Jove.

ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC EEMABKS.

(For Students and Examiners.)

Q. Is there anything larger than the Sun ?

A. Lots of stars, very distant, and not mixing them-
selves up with the others, but confining themselves to
their own little coterie, and looking down upon the
Sun as a flaring, flaunting, showy, vulgar sort of person
who thinks himself somebody among nobodies, but who
UanarajMrcmH, an upstart of a comparatively modem
date.

Q. What should you say is the moral to be deduced
from the study of Astronomy ?

A. Do not believe all you see, and trust nothing you
hear. Stick to one good strong glass the strongest
that can be got every night before going to bed. Be
happy, be virtuous : if you can't be virtuous, be happy.
And after all your studies of Astronomy, after spending
many a jovial night in an observatory, making the

C' asantest possible observations, you will be obliged at
t to return to our old friend, DK. WATTS, and say,

" Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are "

For you kiioir, after all, just as much about them as he
did, as SIR ISAAC NEWTON, as SIR JOHN HERSCHEL
did, and as much, probably, as we ever shall know.
Let us liquor.

TRUTH FOR THE TURFY.

LIST a saw of ancient stagers,

" Fowls lay eggs, and fools lay wagers."

A REAL VIVISECTIONIST. The dressmaker who cuts
your wife's " body " to pieces.

DKomber 1. IK7.)

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1878.

THE SEASONS.

ACT II. SUMMER.

SCENE HER Boudoir. Enter HE.

lie. What! still that book ? Do come into the garden

And sec my roses !

She (languidly) 0, 1 beg your pardon !

It's' far too hot. Your roses may be pretty,
But give me coolness, solitude, and ROSSETTI !
He. Solitude !

She, Yes. His dreams are too asthetie

To share, unless the sharer's sympathetic.
There, do not glare upon me like a vulture !
You 're more at home in practical floriculture
Thau culling flowers of fancy.
He. Now, by jingo:

I 'm sick of all this cant " asthetic " lingo.
Nature, not namby-pamby art, for me !
She. Precisely, my dear Faunus. Pan, you see,
Is quite your "natural deity. Go, follow
His earthly cult, and leave me to Apollo.
You once, but there, no matter.
He. I suppose

' You think there '3 something earthly m a roso !
Sfie (abstractedly). Dream-roses are deliciously
XtfcUy). Can you tell

Where I may buy some ?
She (scant f, (Hi/'). Buy!
lie (sardon ieally). No! They re a sc II !

(Exit with a bang.)

ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC REMARKS.

(For Students and Sjeamiiurt.)

Q. The Earth is round, isn't it P

A. Yes. The older it grows, the rounder it becomes.
The Earth is losing all its figure. Its rotundity is
proved by your constantly meeting the same people
over and over again.

Q. Have you any farther proof ?

A. Yes. So few people are able to " go straight.

Q. How about " objects at a distani'i> ': "

A. It has been demonstrated that the more remote,
any object is from you, the farther off it appears, and,
when it has c ; 'nte disappeared from view, it may be
fairly considered us entirely nut of sight.

Q. Some lecturers illustrate this with a fly and an
orange.

A. Do they ? Then you pay for the fly, give me an
orange, and I'll take a "ride in the first, and suck the
second.

SOME PLANETARY ASPECTS FOR 1878.

VENUS IN TRANSIT.

POOR Jove ! there 's little terror in his thunder.
He must cave in, but / shall not knock under.
Queen Beauty never abdicates, that you know,
My Cupid ! Things are looking bad for Juno.
Though men now run with learning's flaming torch

I still sho'uld win the apple a whole orchard !

Yet, spite of British grace and Gallic chic,

My kingdom pleased me best when it was Greek.

Fashion invokes me, but it wakes my mirth

To think of Aphrodite dressed by WORTH.

And for the Bards themselves, the shrine they raise me

Is such a sham I snigger while they praise me.

Still I do reign o'er hearts as well as rhymes,

And that is something in these shaky times.

Prxcit.

Could you give worth to hearts and truth to artists,
Your rule need fear nor Communists nor Chartists.

A HINT TO HOUSEHOLDERS.

(Copyright not ReKrmd.)

JONES, who is literary, lives in a "quiet" street
where the music begins "at seven in the morning and
loaves off at midnight. He therefore places this placard
on the front of his house :

NOTICE !

Organ Grinders and Bras* Bands
playing opposite this bouse will be
PROSECUTED !

N.B. Ten Shillings Reward for
information leading to the conviction
of Offenders: to be doubled when
" Tommy, make room " has been
played.

PROVERB FOE OUR Youxo FUIENDS AT CHRIST-
MAS.-""One box in the hand is better than two on the
ear."

ECONOMY WITH COMFORT. Do not wear your
clothes too long. When beggars cease to bore, dogs
begin to bark. .

AGGRAVATING. Getting a Money-Order for the Civil
Service Stores at a Post-office kept by a grocer.

A ZOOLOGICAL RAMBLE.
HAVING given the cat-o'-nine-tails her milk, and
patted the dog in the manger he seemed to smell a
rat I put on my borrowed plumes and left home just
as the cuckoo clock was striking nine, bent on accom-
plishing one of two things either to beard a lion in
Ms den or to break a butterfly on a wheel. I called
at my fishmonger and poulterer's, but he had nothing
in his shop except a fish out of water (very like a
whale) and a March hare ; but his wife said he was
absent on a wild-goose chase, and had set some springes
to catch woodcocks before he went, so would be sure to
have a bird in the hand in the course of the morning.
I ordered a couple of Welsh rabbits, and went on my
way I had bought an ounce of civet of the apothe-
cary, when, hearing ft cry of " Wolf ! " I rushed into a
china-shop, and there encountered a bull, which I took
by the horns, and was thanked by the Mayor for my
courageous conduct. On mv way back I crossed th
fields, and had the rare good fortune to catch a weasel
asleep, and attracted to the spot by the croakiog of a
frog out a-wooiiig (without the maternal consent) to
find a toad with a precious jewel in his head. fLuekily,
I saw a snake in the grass just in time.) Aothuijr else
remarkable occurred, exocpt that I met the lion of the
season on a white elephant, accompanied by a little dog
proud of its side pockets, and saw a man with a bee m
his bonnet nursing a dear gazelle and throwing physic
to the dogs. I shed some (crocodile s) tears at the
sight. (I forgot to mention that I was pursued by a
wolf in sheep's clothing and a bear with a sore head,
but mv dogs of war saved me.) The cat was still look-
ing at the king, and the fox at the grapes and the
fretful porcupine had not parted with her quills, when
I reached home, where I found a present awaiting me
of two doaen (four-aud-twenty) blackbirds all ready
prepared for my Christmas pie.

FACILIS DESCFNSUS. The Rev. JABEZ INWARDS
used to maintain that wine and cigars were the down-
ward stops to the Turf. His rule of declension was
"Hacc/nis, Bacca, ISaek'um."

JUNE Now 's the time to sow cuttings from news-
papers. Theatrical stars travelling in the provinces
send slips up to London, and get them woll planted.

DOMESTIC GARDENING FOR ALL THE YEAR ROUND.
Sew buttons.

CAPILLARY ATTRACTION The charm of my lady's
back hair.

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1878.

tDecember 14, 1877.

A SUBSTITUTE FOB RINKINGK

THE JESKINSON3 ABE SO DELIGHTED WITH THE " PARQUETS ClRfe" THEY HAVE SEEN IN THEIR TRAVELS ABROAD, THAT, ON THEIB RETUBN HOME, THEY PROCEED TO

THEIR FLOORS IN THE TRUE ORTHODOX FASHION.

FROTTET."

THE LAND OF LORN."

It has drizzled incessantly, for a fortnight, since the Smiths came down to their charming Villa at Braebogie, in Argyllshire.
ias come up to say the boat is ready on the Loch, if " they're for Fushin' the Day "). " EH ! I SHOULD NA WONDER IF THIS WEATHER TCR-RNS TA RAIN ! I

Knnch's Alman&ckO

"PUNCH'S" DREAM (

"So of Kbjdive, ar
He thought and c

I THINGS EGYPTIAN!

Needle, and Canal,
imed I "

il)nl>er 14, 187T

ember 14, 1877.]

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1878.

MODERN ESTHETICS.

Materfamilias. "WHERE HIVE YOU BEEN ALL THE MORNING, GIRLS?" Sophronia Cassandra. "We've BEEN PRACTISINO OLD GREEK ATTITUDES AT LAWN-TENNIS, MAMMA?"

Papa (who is not (esthetic). "AH! HOPE YOU LIKE IT, I'M SURE!" Sophronia Cassandra. "VERY MUCH, PAPA ONLY WE NErnR HIT THE BALL!"

THOSE DREADFUL BOYS!

Algernon. " AND, DEAREST, IF THE DEVOTION or A LIKE " (At this moment his hat is knocked over his eyes by a common Star-fish, or Five-fngen (Asterias ruiem), thrown, with consider-
able force and precision, bv one of those intern hiah-svirited little fellows her vounaer brothers, TOMMY and BEBTIE 1 1 !

PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOB 1878.

SOME PLANETARY ASPECTS FOR 1878.

MAES IN ASCENSION.

JOVB may lament, and Venus may complain,
But latter-days are strengthening my reign.
Despotic power may fail, and beuuty fade,
But fighting is a never-failing trade.
Religion once declared against my rule,
But now has set herself to me to school ;
Knowledge was sternly set to bid me fly hence,
But my most useful servant now is Science.
Jove'sneaviest bolt was but a harmless trifle
Compared with the Martini-Henry rifle.
The other gods may curse tlieir luckless stars,
I rather think it 's all serene with liars.

PUNCH.

Science, who serves you now with much regret,
May play the Diomedes with you yet.

SOCIAL MAXIMS.

(By a Social Man.)

SOCIETY is composed of two classes of aspirants
the people who aspire to give dinners, and the people
who aspire to eat them. My first maxim is, To take
care of Number One : and so I count myself in Num-
ber Two.

Another of my maxims is, Never be in haste to accept
an invitation until there is no hope that a better may
turn up. Delays may be dangerous (as with ricli and
crusty relatives), but they more frequently bring you
real turtle in lieu of mock.

A third maxim of mine is, When you lend an um-
brella, be sure it is a bad one : otherwise you tempt the
borrower to forget to send it back.

It is a maxim of mine that a man should always carry
a cigar-case in his pocket, in order sometimes to cm-
brace the opportunity of filling it when calling on a
friend.

If you chance to be afflicted with a big bump of
benevolence, bear in mind my maxim, When you go to
hear a charity sermon, put a shilling in your pocket,
and leave your purse at nome.

When an old friend asks for a small sum, just " to go
on with," depend on it he wants it to go off with.

WHY is Matrimony like Captain WHITE'S Oriental
Pickles, as advertised ? Because it also is " a delicious
mixture of sweets and sours."

Not much ! A poet !
Well, he seems to know it.
Reading me some verses.

0, fifty thousand curses !

Tiiflnv f

Ilang his check !

THE SEASONS.
ACT III. AUTUMN.

. SCENE Seashore. SHE seated. Enter HE.
He (eyeing a retrtitiny figure with much disfavour) .

\Vho is that pottering fool ?
She (blandly). Tfnt. much ! A nnof

But rather handsome.
He.

What was he doing ?
She.

He. On what ?
She. On me !

He.

She. Stay, I can't count so many
He.

She. A compliment, my dear.
He. I'd hove you seek

No compliments in rhyme. They 're always rot !
She (archly). Always, my dear? I fear you've quite
forgot

Some

lie (sternly). Let me see them.

She. Nay, " rot " cannot please you.

lit. I tell you I insist.

She. Well, not to tease you

I '11 show them. 0, he speaks of me so nicely,
Proclaims my eyes " scintillant stars."

He (grimly). Precisely !

All lutc-thrummera tell lies.

She. You think they 're not ?

lie. Good gracious, no !
She. And then lie says a lot

About my cherry lips, which might lie touch

He 'd

He (furiously). Hang it, Madam! This is quite too
much ! [him

Hand me the insolent scribbler's stuff. I '11 choke

With his own lies !
She (solicitously). Now dearest, tlon't provoke him,

Because he 's, oh ! so fierce !

He (imperatively). The lines I say !

She. Well, here they arc (hands him paper). 'But do
not tear them, pray,

Because 1 value them more than my life.
He. A very pretty statement for a wife.
(Bud*)

II Scinttlhntt orbs, more radiant, more (Urine
Than those that hang in hearett's clear hyaline."
Why, here! I say! oh! hang it all they're

mine .' [Exit in a huff.

A SCOT IN A SHOWER.

HECH, ho, the Macintosh !
Fair fa' the Macintosh !
In a shower to stan' a slosh,
I '11 be bail for Macintosh.
Hech, the bonny ower-johnnie !
Ho, the bonny Macintosh !
Auti-sappie, drippie, drappie,
Weet-proof wrappie, Macintosh !

Tramp through the squish-an'-squosh,

Fa' floods, I dinna fash !

Fute in caoutchouc galoche,

Tap to tae in Macintosh !

Dcil a dandie 's sprush as SAXDIE

Claikit in his Macintosh !

Hieland laddie o'er your plaidio

Aye pit on a Macintosh !

THINGS WHICH EVERY MAN CAN DO :

(Or thiitks hf can, at any rate).

WKITE a novel, a love-letter, or a leading article.

Drive a tramear : shoot a pheasant : and order u
good dinner.

Poke the fire on sound scientific principles.

Make a cigarette as well as a machine.

Pick the winner by the preliminary canter.

Ride a bicycle without six months practice.

Pack his own portmanteau far better than a man-
servant.

Make an after-dinner speech worth being reported.

Spot a snob without so much as speaking to him.

Cook a chop, carve a goose, or concoct a first-rate
champagne cup.

Know where to buy the best of shooting-boots and
breechloaders.

Judge a horse, a glass of wine, or a water-colour
drawing.

And, finally Make his wife believe the reasons ho
alleges for his absence on the Derby Day, or for taking