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JAMES NICHOLSON
TORONTO.CANADA
Presented to the
LIBRARY of the
UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO
THE ESTATE OP -THE LATE
JAMES NICHOLSON
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, JULY i, ic 3 .
PUNCH
Vol. CXXIV.
JANUARY JUNE, 1903.
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHAKIVARI, JULY i,
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sg*.
SsfcS
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LONDON :
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 10, BOUVERIE STREET,
AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.
1003.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, JULY t, 1903.
101
ft
/903
Bradbury, Agnew & Co., Ld. (
Printers,
London and Tonbridge.
7, J'.tu: 1 -. 1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
Mi;. JABBERJEE AND THE DURBAR.
To ///,/,. Sir Punch K.C.LE.,B.A., FRZ.S. . . The rase, Highly respectable Sir, is as, follows': I am
lease add initials to liking). U. J. B. consumed with an uncontrollable hankering to receive an
\M> KI>U.<;ENT FATHER! I official invite to the Delhi Durbar for the celebration of the
Eighteen calendar months have now rolled their relentless I King-Emperor's Coronation. No sooner did the gladsome
wheels over this unassuming head since I last had the | tidings of Royal Recovery reach my enchanted ears than I
honour to illuminate your notorious periodical with the immediately manifested the unfeigned jollity of a Sandboy,
lubrications of my brain, since which date, in consequence and let off several large fireworks in the vicinity of my
of publication in voluminous form of a first-class Society ; family mansion, which was profusely adorned with dhei.-,
Novel, 1 am become a permanency on Fame's dizzy pinnacle oil-lamps and appropriate mottoes of own composition,
and the Celebrity at Home. Not that I would base my claims to consideration on such
Once again with proud obsequiousness I crawl to your paltry and flimsy foundations as these -which are merely
august footstool, and, embracing your distinguished feet ' mentioned as a guarantee of loyal sentiments,
with the easy assurance of an old crony, I entreat you, as; But, from certain leading articles in the- L<a,c!< n
VOT . r\\iv
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
[JANUARY 7, 1903.
and other native prints, I gather that it is Honble Viceroy
(,'t K/ON'S wise and long-headed policy to welcome as guests,
not only Princes and Chiefs and Civil and Military knobs,
but in additum all possessing any representative quality
whatever.
To quote the Viceroyalty's own words verbatim, "Pro-
vinces and States see little and know little of one another.
Princes who live in the South have rarely, if ever, in their
lives seen or visited the Statss of the North. There is
many a man in Madras who rai never seen the Punjab, or
even in Bombay who is wholly ignorant of Bengal."
What a pity that such standoffishness should be suffered
to continue ! 1 do not puff myself into princely proportions
--although generally accorded such brevet rank while a
West End resident of Lad broke Hill, Bayswater still I
shall venture to affirm that, as the leading representative
of Native home-made Literature, I deserve rather to be
kindly patted on the Lead than severely ignored and buried
in A napkin, as at present.
Also I am full as a vetch with reliable and fairly accurate
information upon all Bengali topics, and, if included in
this magnificent omnium gatherum, would willingly em-
brace the opportunity of passing the time of day and
exchanging ideas on the give and take system with any
Sikh or Maratha grandee not too eaten up by antiquated
prejudices to converse witli-me on terms of mutual amenity
and affability.
You will therefore kindly without any preliminary Ijent-
ing the bush that is proverbially a superfluity in the case
of good wine at once point out to whatever Excellency is
superintending the doling out of invitation tickets what a
calamitous faux pas and awful howler he will infallibly
perpetrate should he leave this insignificant self to blow
unseen.
Now I am to wheeze intelligence into your private ear
which will come as the pleasant surprise. I am no longer
a mere Native Novelist but am already blossomed out into
the budding Dramatist !
For it so happened that, a short time ago, I came upon a
rather well-written novelette by a certain Mrs. SHELLY, con-
taining tLe history of a young European foreign student
called Frankenstein, who employed his leisure hours in con-
structing a large-sized Monster, which subsequently became
a devilish nuisance.
Upon this indubitably far-fetched idea I have after
making alterations and additions so as to render it suitable
to the footlamps that shed their fierce light upon theatrical
socks and buskins founded a very fine drama in blank
verses with prosaic intervals, in the style rendered popular
by the late WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, Fancy's sweetest child or
Honble BACON, according to latest authorities.
It is my intention to submit selected specimens of this
magnificent composition for publication in your esteemec
journal, in the humble confidence that they will produce i
sensation of gaping wonderment in all who read them, anc
that I shall instantaneously be inundated with urgeii
entreaties from prominent London acting managers that the\
are to have the first refusal of such a lucky hit.
But I must warn any such ambitious tragedians that the}
cannot represent so colossal a character as the Monster in
competent manner, unless they are thoroughly au fails in
walking on rather high stilts.
I have said enough to wet the public appetite for what i
certain to turn out a literary tit-bit of no mediocre flavour
and provided you on your part consent to work the oracl
with Honble Lords CUISZON and KITCHENER to obtain for m
a front (or even a second-rank) seat at the Delhi Durbar
vou will be at liberty to publish sample scenes from in
Tragedy at ordinary trade price?.
Thanking you in advance for these and all other favours
come.
1 have the honour to remain,
Your most loyal and servile Friend,
HuiiRY BUNGSHO JABBEBJEE, B.A.
(Author of "Jottings and Titling*," 'A
Bayard from Bengal," "Frankenstein and his
Promethian, a Tragic Drama," &c., &e., &c.)
P.S. In the present confused state of Copyright Law I
m not aware if it is de rigeur to procure the formal consent
' the above-mentioned Mrs. SHELLY to the dramatification of
er able effort. If so, kindly do the needful on my behalf,
nd inform her that the advertisement she will obtain by
le production of such a play will form a most remunerative
uid pro quo.
ATEST QUOTATIONS FROM THE CITY (OF DELHI).
(Sent l>y Mi: Thomas Atkins.)
"THE DURBAR."
THE king gave order that his town should keep
High festival.
Sir Edwin Arnold (The, Light of Asia, Bk. I., line 96).
vt-
<is 9
I met a hundred men on the road to Delhi, and they were
11 brothers. Natii'e Proverb.
*
Thrones, Dominations, Princedoms, Virtues, Powers.
Milton (Paradise Lost, Bk. V., line 001).
ft *
One, two, three, four, or ten, and then by tens
To hundreds, thousands.
Sir Edwin Arnold (The Light of Asia,
Bk II., 'line 201).
ere were noblemen in coronets, and military cousins,
?here were captains by the hundred, there were baronets
by dozens. W. S. Gilbei-t (Ferdinando and Elvira).
*
Gods meet gods and justle. Dryden and Lea.
The gorgeous East with richest hand
Showers on her kings barbaric pearl and gold.
Milton (Paradise Lost, Bk. II., line 4).
O
a :
Never in my life saw I so many fine clothes . . . embroi-
deries and rich gold stuff.
Lady Mary Wortley-Montagu's Letters.
!S iS
The hearts of princes kiss obedience.
Shakspeare (Henry VIII., iii. 2).
0"i
And let us all hope that blissful things
May come of alliance with darky kings.
W. S. Gilbert (lite Three Kings of Chickerabod).
AN APMIIUBLE CRICHTOX INDEED. The following advertise-
ment has recently appeared more than once in the Observer
and Clironide for Hants and Dorset :
A S BUTLER, or man and wife, or temporary dinners, e c. Aged 29.
* Height 5ft. 7iu. Good Characters, English. Disengaged.
Here indeed is a man capable of filling a long-felt want !
JVs. II. on 1111: I-.M-.X CIIAIIVAIII, JAKI-AIIV 7, 1!X).1.
PUIVC//
DURBAR
A DAY DREAM OF DELHI.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 7, 1903.
THE DELHI DURBAR.
(Am Bonny Dundee.)
To the Chiefs and the Princes 'twas CURZON who spoke,
" Ere this show is well over we 're like to be broke ;
But the date has been fixed, so from near and from far
We must up and away to the Delhi Durbar.
So fill up the howdah and fling the rupee ;
Ciive your turbans a toss for your Emp'ror and me :
With Lord K. as a comet and me as the star
There '11 be lots of good light at the Dellii Durbar ! "
He has climbed to his seat, and he looks mighty lx>ld
In the flame of his scarlet, the gleam of his gold.
And it 's Ho ! for our RAJ, and it 's Pooh for the CZAR,
When Lord CURZON sets out for the Delhi Durbar.
There 's the thunder of guns, there 's a roar of applause,
There 's the glint of dark eyes flasliing brightly through
gauze ;
And there 's many a Press-man inditing his par
To. the fame of Lord C. and the Delhi Durbar.
Oh, the RAJAH speaks up, and it 's " Bring me my sacks :
I 've the money to spend, and I '11 spend it in lakhs.
Let my palace bide empty, my gates stand ajar,
For I 'm off, I and mine, to the Delhi Durbar."
And the Ryot takes stock of his fields and his rice ;
He has sorted his savings and counted the price :
'Tis a year of no rent lor the grim Zemindar
When the Ryot looks in at the Delhi Durbar.
Then up with the standard and let it fly free,
And salute it,. salute it, with thirty times three!
And shout, each civilian, and soldier, and tar,
With the rest of our world, for the Delhi Durbar !
" So fill up the howdali and fling the rupee;
Give your turbans a toss for your Emp'ror and me :
With Lord K. as a comet and me as the star
There '11 be lots of good light at the Delhi Durbar ! "
"Tis."
THE KIPLING PROCESSION.
AN important feature of the Durbar ceremonies which
seems to have escaped notice was the grand Kipling Proces-
sion. It was only fitting that one whose name and fame is
so much associated with our Indian Empire should have a
prominent position in the celebrations, and it will be seen
from the following details that the Procession was on a scale
of unparalleled magnificence.
The order of the stately progress was as follows :
Captains COURAGEOUS.
A Phantom Rickshaw containing Mr. KIPLING'S laurels.
A cart bearing an exhibition tank in which is discovered
Mr. SWIMBURNE swimming in samples of the Seven Seas.
Soldiers Three.
The Oaf bearing the Mud.
The Chief Jingo bearing the Banjo.
The Fool bearing the Flannel.
The Cat who walked by himself.
Bodyguard of Stalky & Co.
A Duke's Son. A Cook's Son. A Son of a Hundred Kings.
No. 1 Big Gun Carriage drawn by The Camel (led by
Mr. STEPHEN PHILLIPS), The Baby Elephant (led by Mr. Tiros.
HARDY), The Python Rock Snake (led by Mr. J. M. BARRIE),
and The Crocodile (led by Mr. WM. WATSON), and containing
Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING.
Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN. Mrs. JANE OAKLEY.
Detachment (very much detached) of Absent-minded Beggars.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
Dr. FIXCKETT is the marine of historical episode writing ;
Per mare per terras is his motto. Having painted in glow-
ing colours scenes and men connected with the army on
land, in Nelson and his Captains (SMITH, ELDER) he goes
down to the sea in ships and does business in the great
waters. Excellent business it is, too, the sea and the sailor
supplying a more picturesque background than is found on
the commonplace Continent. My Baronite, having read all
Dr. FITCHETT'S tales of battle on land, thinks his best work
is his sea piece. The character study of NELSON realises the
man liis physical weakness, his angularity, his one eye, his
one arm, his shrill voice when excited, his somewhat
feminine disposition, his dauntless daring, his supreme
genius more clearly than is accomplished in larger tomes.
His captains were worthy of his companionship, being in-
spired by his influence, animated by his example. Saxon
and Celt reading the glowing narrative, will feel proud to
know it 's all true.
In The Neic Century Library (NELSON AND SONS) the Baron
greets with pleasure and approval the appearance, in easily
portable volume size, of Tom Burke by LEVER, SCOTT'S
Ivanhoe, DICKENS'S Hard Times and Christmas Storicx,
THACKERAY'S Book of Snobs (immortal work !) and his Contri-
butions to Punch. Dipping into this last book the Baron
finds how the 19th day of October, 1844 is recorded as
the date of " the Fat Contributor's great adventure at the
Pyramids and Punch's enthronisation there." Thus writes
WILLIAM MAKEPEACE in his own inimitable style, "I pasted the
great placard of Punch on the Pyramid of Cheops. I did
it. The Fat Contributor did it. If I die, it could not be
undone. If I perish I have not lived in vain." And in the
year of grace 1902, in the twelfth month and the fourteenth
day of the month, two of Mr. Punch's young men
"Took a boat and went to sea,"
and proceeded (as did the " F. C." per the P. & O.'s
"magnificent steamship Buniimpootcr," only this was not
the name of the vessel that carried our Functions mis-
sioners) to India. They did not, however, delay en route
for the purpose of ascending the Great Pyramid, and
reporting whether or no there may still be any record on llic
summit, or on the way thereto, of the historic visit of the
Fat Contributor. He himself has declared, "one placard I
pasted on the first landing-place (who knows how long Arab
rapacity will respect the sacred hieroglyphic?)." Imagine
" the Fat Contributor " at the Durbar ! " How delightful he
would have been ! And what a meeting between him and
dear old Colonel Nnccome, while Jos Sedley, fuming, would
be waiting tiffin for a partie earree. Who would be the
fourth at that table, a lady or a gentleman? Fill up, the
place how you will. Only, if there be any hesitation as to
who might be " the properest person," let Jos Sedley. wait ;
give his seat to Major Dobbin; Mr. Punch will take the
chair at that party, with cigar to follow ; and to finish, a
quiet Indian rubber. Ehcu fuyaccs ! Here 's to the pious and
immortal memory of WILLIAM, the one and only THACKERAY !
A Dog Day, by WALTER EMANUEL, pictured by CECIL ALDIS
(HEINEMASN), is very amusing. But the best of all the
tableaux is that of the uncommonly sly dog, the hero of
these adventures, wistfully regarding a canary in a cage
suspended well out of his reach. The motto should have-
been, " Such things are too high for me." Though, on
consideration, this motto would have even better served a
picture of a gentleman holding his nose when a grouse in a
very "gamey" state had * been placed before him by a
waiter impervious to nice distinctions in scents and flavours.
Tire BARON DE BOOK- WORMS.
.1 \\i AUY 7, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
MR. PUNCH'S' SKETCHY
INTERVIEWS.
X. Alii. C. B. FRY.
ON entering Mr. Fiiv's gymnasium we
found liini so absorbed in a game of
Wihblcy Wob that lie was entirely un-
conscious of our presence. This gave
us an opportunity to examine the r<x>m,
which relhvted at every turn the tastes
and accomplishments of its gifted
.occupant. Pens and cricket-pads, "note-
books and footballs, dumb-bells and
blotting-pads, parallel bars and press-
cuttings, running shoes and encyclo-
paedias, shorts and shorthand notes
strewed the apartment. Over the
mantelpiece was a portrait of the Sussex
Indian Prince inscribed "To the best
hat of the dav, from a better," and on
" Mr. Fry leaped lightly over our head."
the door was pinned the ten thousand
and fourteenth photograph of Mr. FRY
at the wicket.
When we had proceeded thus far in
our investigation the game of Wibbley
Wob terminated, and Mr. FRY leaped
lightly over our head, bidding us wel-
come as he passed. While still in mid
air he changed bis mind and leaped
back again. After running up one wall,
along the ceiling, and down the other
wall, he offered us a chair and subsided
gracefully into another.
"This is my Ping-Pong hour," he
remarked, looking at his watch, "but
I '11 give it to you instead."
"Do you playgames all day?" we
asked.
"All day," he answered. "I begin
with a lilankiev exerciser. Then I row
for an hour, bat for an hour at the nets
in the back garden, run for an hour,
jump for an hour, and play football for
an hour. That brings me to lunch.
After lunch I play Wibbley Wob, Ping-
Pong and Parlour Croquet, and generally
" This is my Ping-Pong hour."
spend an hour at the photographer's.
This is essential, for you may have
perhaps observed that I look quite
different every time you see me. Then
comes tea. After tea I exercise on
the bars, vault, turn somersaults, and
use the Indian Clubs. In the evening
I play Tiddly Winks, Spillikins, Bumble-
puppy and Bridge."
" But when do you write? "
" Oh, I write all the time. I never
use more than one hand for games ; I
write with the other. While I was
playing Wibbley Wob just now I was
simultaneously engaged on my weekly
Corinthian column for the Builder."
" Oh, I write all the time.'
"Can you tell- us anything about
yourself, Mr. FUY ? Your name, for
example, how did you get that ''. "
" Well, the FUYS are mostly Quakers,
and I trace my descent to the inventor
of cocoa-nut matting. I was railed
C. B. after CAMPBELL-BAN ;NI:KM\V. One
of my first jumps was over his
fence. Then, as you know, when only
thirteen years old I charged a l?-stone
man at Rugby football. lie never
recovered the shock. At Oxford I
studied the ; classics profoundly, visited
(Jreece in the ' Long and received the
freedom of Corinth."
" And what are your plans ? "
" I have not decided yet whether to
stand against Mr. RECKITT for the Brigg
Division in the Blue interest, to edit the
" I was called 0. It. after Campbell-Rannpr-
man. One of my first jumps was over his
fence."
Times, or take seriously to Oology. It
depends on how the ducks lay next
cricket season."
'' Who is your greatest hero in modern
life?"
"RAN.JI."
" And what is your pet ideal ? "
" To make 100 in both innings, get a
substitute to field, and write an account
of the match simultaneously for two
papers. And now you must excuse me,
as I have to give my son, already a
promising centre forward though only
four years old, a lesson in the use of the
stylograph."
A Belated, but none the less Hearty,
Welcome.
Royal Baby Number Five,
Your trusty Punch salutes you';
In happy moment you arrive ;
Wax fat, as babies should, and thrive,
And show that Earth-life suits von.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIARIVAPJ.
1903.
THE VICEROY AT HOME.
SIMLA, Saturday.
" SALAAM, Excellency."
" Get up, get up, TOBY. That 's all very well and proper
with some of the people here. But I don't care about old
friends kow-towing. And how did you leave things at
Westminster? Is it true that BRODIUCK goes down to the
House in khaki, and insists upon Members opposite, when
putting a question, approaching with military salute? "
"I haven't observed the habit. I looked in rather witli
intent of seeing how your Excellency is getting along, than
with the purpose of talking about things at Westminster.
Do you on the whole prefer Simla to South port? "
" Yes," said the VICEROY, who I observe has grown a little
stouter. " Since you put [it that way, I can reply in the
TOBY, M.P. INTERVIEWS SHAH KHERZON
KHED-EL-STAN AT DELHI.
OF
affirmative. Simla stands higher than Southport, and there
are no football clubs. Bazaars of course we have in India,
but as they were opened before I came, I am spared that
melancholy and expensive duty. I miss the excitement that
periodically thrills Southport, of wondering whether the
tide is coming in this week, or whether it is due the week
after next; always a subject of lively conversation with my
old constituents. Also we have no boats on wheels careening
over the level sand under full sail. Still, we have the
Himalayas, also the Elephants."
"I am sure," I said with courteous bow, learned at the
courts in the neighbourhood of Drury Lane, " your Excel-
lency will feel peculiarly at home with these, in diverse
ways, colossal products of beneficent Nature."
The VICEROY eyed me sharply, as if suspecting I were
engaged upon an enterprise which, concerning ordinary
mortals, is known as pulling his leg.
Recognising my extreme sobriety of purpose, he replied,
" The Himalayas are very well in their way, though some-
times I find myself longing for a glimpse of Primrose Hill.
The elephant I certainly have taken to riding for an hour
every morning. His trot is a little startling when you first
experience it, and his canter recalls the Channel passage'
in a gale from the south-west. But it is inspiriting, I think
I may say healthful. I intend, when I return to England,
to bring an elephant with me and show the Liver Brigade-
the way round the Park."
" Has your Excellency any intention of presently illumi-
nating London ? "
"No, TOBY," said the VICEROY, a cloud settling on his-
Himalayan brow. " I hear the East a-calling, and I obey
its mandate to remain, to the end perhaps after :
They say the Lion and the Lizard keep
The Courts where JAMSHYD gloried and drank deep ;
And BAHRAM, that great Hunter the wild ass
Stamps o'er his Head, but cannot break his Sleep.
What AKBAR and AURUNGZEBE commenced in the way of
ruling India, I shall finish. India and I were made for
each other. My heart's desire is that both shall benefit
from the conjunction."
"From all I hear since I set foot on this storied land, I
have reason to know that, as far as India is concerned, your
Excellency has in large measure achieved your purpose.
India was never so prosperous as it stands to-day, nor
were its myriad multitudes happier or more contented. I
happened to be in the House of Commons when Lord
GEORGE HAMILTON brought in the Indian Budget. I fancy
we rather gained the impression that the increasing pros-
perity marked through the last three years was directly due
to the prescience and the personal administration of the
Secretary of State."
"GEORGIE HAMILTON!" exclaimed the VICEROY, his regal
right hand clutching the hilt of his scimitar.
With wonderful self-command he checked his flow of
speech and toyed with the jewelled hilt, as if the swift
action noted had been accidental and meaningless-. Above-
his gilded chair, with its imperial crown-shaped canopy,
hung a hand-painted daguerreotype of TIMUR the Tartar-
(That great Conqueror, it will be remembered, flourished
before the age of photography.) As the flush of passion
momentarily mantled his brow, I was struck by the strong:
resemblance between the ruthless Tartar and GEORGE, first
Baron CURZON of KEDLESTON, sometime Fellow of All Souls,.
Oxford.
The storm passed as rapidly as it had risen.
" Tell me about PRINCE ARTHUR," said the VICEROY, with
winning smile and dulcet voice. " Did he really enjoy
himself in Committee on the Education Bill, and was he
pained when deserted by JOHN o' GORST, last of the Barons-
or was it the Mohicans? "
" Of Vice-Presidents of the Council," I humbly suggest.
" Exactly," said the VICEROY, waving his hand with large
manner indicative of habitual freedom from minor details^
of that character. " Of course ARTHUR would still have-
the exhilarating company of FINLAY, and I understand that
ANSON, JOHN o' GORST'S successor, is a person of irrepressible
humour. As you see, the House of Commons still interests
me. But, after all, it 's a small place compared with India.
Of course you '11 be at the Durbar ? Fancy you '11 like to.
see me curvetting astride my elephant as I ride with escort
of Princes through the Silver Street of Delhi to the Mori
Gate. Good morning, and an revolt: How is the MEMBER
FOR SARK?"
I was out in the courtyard under the brilliant sunlight
of Indian Christmastide. It seemed semi-darkness after
the brilliancy of the presence in which a moment earlier I
stood.
.IANT.MIY 7, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Firz-JoNES, WHO BEIJEVES, WHEN IS RciMF, IN IX IS'G A3 ROME DOES, IS SUFFERING SUGHTLy FROM ORIENTAL HOSPITALITY, AND OONSEQI I I I V
I .\I>F.I1IE!(CE3 THE ASIATIC VAMS1Y OF NlGHTMAnE !
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JAXCAIU- 7, KK)3.
AT OUR OPENING MEET.
Stranger from over the water. "I GUESS YOU "VE A MIGHTY SMART BUNCH OF DOGS TIIKHK, M'LORD '. "
Noble but crusty M.F.U. "THEU YOU GUESS WRONG, SIR. THIS is A PACK Of uouftus!"
CHARIVARIA.
*' Tire War Office lias often teen chaffed
for paying too much, attention to our
soldiers' dress. Earl SELBOIHIE has now
decided that there is to be uniform
training for all branches of the Navy.
The conviction of Madame HUMBERT is
by no means assured. She has pretty
hands and feet. _
The lady is already in training.
According to the Daily Mail " she
wire a tailor-made . dress, and was
visibly affected " on her arrival in
Paris.
The late war with Venezuela did not
bring much glory to any of the parties
engaged in it, but we are astonished
more was not made of the one British
success that was scored. H.M.S. Fan-
tmne, which grounded on a mud-bank,
was successfullv re-floated.
Meanwhile recent events have brought
home to the Venezuelans the importance
of possessing a strong navy, and an
important programme has been prepared.
Financial difficulties prevents great
deal being done at present, but orders
have already been placed for a couple of
outriggers.
Close upon the news of the treaty
between Great Britain and Japan, and
the arrangement between Great Britain
and Germany, comes the announcement
of an alliance between the Table Tennis
Association and the Ping-Pong Associa-
tion.
There were complaints here at Christ-
mas-time that we were not having
seasonable weather. It was all right in
America. Among other nice seasonable
occurrences on the other side of the
Atlantic a trainful of passengers was
buried twenty feet in the snow.
The custom of sending " Art Calen-
dars " instead of cards as a New Year's
greeting is spreading. It is scarcely a
change for the better. As often as not
the calendars are too big to go into
one's waste-paper basket.
We are delighted to hear that Mr.
ANDREW CARNEGIE is making excellent,
progress. His condition is described
as most hopeful. An interval of up-
wards of three weeks elapsed between
his two last gifts of free libraries.
In these prosaic da;:s it is always a
pleasure to be able to draw attention to
a pretty fancy. We learn from a Society
paper that one of the latest fashions is
for ladies to wear on their necks a row
of black beetles, made of jet.
Attention was drawn a few weeks
back in the Bankruptcy Court to the
fact that times had recently been bad
for Company promoters. The distress
among them is said to be now more
acute than ever. We hear of at least
one who has been driven to accept a
position in the pintomime of Tlie Fort;/
Thieves, and that, by an irony of fate,
merely as a super.
An American jx>et, for a wager, acted
as butler at a dinner party given by a
lady millionaire, and completely took in
his friends. He had never had a like
success as a poet.
Paris, by the by, has discovered a
10-year-old poet whose first book has
been published by LEMERRE. Her verses
are stated to compare favourably with
the work of the greatest English poets,
but Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN-, it is said, has
written to deny this.
A NEW YEAE'S RONDEL.
NINETEEN hundred and three
Ah \ what have you in store ?
Joys ? or griefs to deplore,
Do your omens foresee '{
Grey where gold used to be ;
T One deep wrinkle the more ;
Nineteen hundred and three
Ah \ what have you in store ?
When we, greeting with glee
Nineteen hundred and four,
,
^ with sorrow your score,
What will then be your plea
Nineteen hundred and three?
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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.- -.TANTAKV 7. I'M).",.
A NEW BOUND.
MISS 1903 DRIVES OFF.
7, 1903.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THK WAR COMMISSION.
THF, rumour that the War Commission
intend to defer publication of their
findings until after paying a visit to
South Africa is hardly borne out by the
appearance of the following Report, a
copy of which lately reached us:
1 . Reolred that the Commission s
definitely of the, opinion that a war
recently took place in South Africa.
2. Resolved that the finding of this
( 'i inmission, on the evidence before it,
is to the effect that the war was against
the Boers.
3. Resolved that this Commission is
of opinion that the forethought displayed
by the Secretary of State for War and
his official staff in recognising the out-
break of hostilities, is worthy of remark.
4. Resolved that this Commission
views with grave suspicion the intro-
duction of new methods into the Army.
The Commission feels that it cannot too
strongly endorse the perfect reliability
of the methods which have hitherto
been employed, and have proved so
signally successful during the late War.
fi. Rcaolced that in the opinion of this
Commission the Boers used horses, and
that this fact may possibly have involved
some little inconvenience to the British
troops.
(i. Resolved that in the opinion of this
Commission the Government's expec-
tation of the capture of Pretoria by
Christmas, 1899, was possibly some-
what premature.
7. Resolved that with regard to indi-
vidual actions, in the opinion of this
Commission a little more resource might
possibly have been shown in the regret-
table Spion Kop incident. That it
appears to the Commission that a likely
solution to the question as to how the
incident occurred, is to be found in the
fact that some slight misunderstanding
arose between the various commanding
officers. Misunderstandings, in the
opinion of this Commission, are inimical
to effective action.
8. Resolved that though, in the
opinion of this Commission, any reflec-
tion upon the capacity of any of the
commanding officers is to be deprecated ,
the Commission applauds the action of
the Secretary of State for War in
causing one or two Generals to retire.
It would further observe, however, that
had the Secretary for War thought fit to
elevate these Generals toa higher position
than any they had previously occupied,
the elevation would have received the
Commission's unqualified endorsement.
9. Resolved that though there were
during the War several incidents of a
regrettable nature, the explanations for
which are not forthcoming, this Commis-
sion lias perfect confidence thattherewere
excellent reasons for these occurrences.
WIRELESS LOVE.
ALTHOUGH, sweet maid, 'tis often proved
The ways of love are hard and stony,
At least one obstacle 's removed,
Thanks to the triumph of MARCONI ;
For him my heart, with joy elate,
Is wildly bubbling o'er with grati-
tude;
For now I can communicate
With you in any clime or latitude !
No more, dear heart, shall distance
drown
The lover's hopes or damp his mettle ;
But you shall flash your love from
town
To me on Popocatepetl !
Once, per the pinions of the wind,
I feigned to send my protestations ;
But waves of ether now I find
Are best for such communications !
I '11 send to you a message straight.
In honeyed phrases I '11 enwrap it ;
Nor shall a rival lie in wait
Basely to intercept or tap it !
Though sojourning in alien tents,
I know there 's naught our love can
M IK it her,
If, like our hearts, our instruments
Are kept attuned to one another !
UP-TO-DATE PnovERB. Better a Iwrren
greengage on the wall than a flourishing
mortgage on the roof.
10
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 7, 1903.
PILGRIMS TO THE EAST.
II. Tin: PILGRIMS'' P. -AJJD-O.-GiJESs.
December 15th. Off Crete. I have
been making up a riddle to ask myself
Why is Marriage like the Mediter-
ranean ? and at oiiee guessed the
Yet her wooers are not to he put off by
many rebuffs, though I know of no one
who has ever gone ' beyond this pre-
liminary dalliance except the 'Doges,
and they only married into a branch of
her family.
In the absence of European news I
RESIDENTIAL FLATS IN THE MEDITERRANEAN.
(WASTED, A VERTICAL.)
snswer as follows : Because each is a
lottery. At first I was pleased with this
jeu d'esprit, and my good opinion of it
was confirmed by a fellow-passenger ;
but I knew afterwards that it was
neither funny nor true. Of course it is
the question itself that is all wrong in
supposing a comparison possible between
mutable matter like the Mediterranean
and a fixed abstraction like the married
state. If I ever make another riddle
on this so-called French lake I shall
compare it with a maiden excep-
tionally fancy-free. Enjoying a repu-
tation for perennial charm; her temper
is distinguished by an inconstancy that
makes some people positively ill. I am
not of their number, but I can appre-
ciate their feelings. No length of
custom seems to stale her appalling
variety. Her eyes, supposed of a change-
less blue, take on by turns all tones of
sullen grey and stormy 'green as her
mood inclines. To-day I own that the
blue eyes laugh without a stain ; but
only last Friday her expression and
behaviour were of the 'most sinister.
cannot say if anything has recently
occurred to enhance the splendour of
England's isolation ; but I noticed as a
significant fact that we slipped past
between Corsica and Sardinia in the
dead of night (the lights in the smoking-
room being cautiously extinguished at
11 P.M.) and between Sicily and Calabria
in the early dawn, before the batteries,
if any, were awake. In the case of
Crete so negligible is the prestige of
Turkey we have been more courageous,
steaming under the lee of its wild coast
all the morning, and catching from time
to time some siren echoes of the
European concert. In speaking of
Crete, I find myself in accord with the
general view of the passengers as to
the identity of this island, though a
Canadian savant on board has expressed
an opinion that it was not Crete after
all, but just Candia.
A stirring event occurred shortly after
breakfast this niorning. The alarm bell
rang up the crew for practice at boat
stations. It was remarked that one of
the Lascars displayed a quite unpardon-
able ignorance of the right method of
hoisting a mast in an emergency. Even--
one expressed satisfaction that this .was
only a pantomime rehearsal, and that
our lives in no way depended, as yet,
on this man's energy and professional
skill. At the conclusion of his per-
functory labours, on which the First
Officer passed some scathing comments
from the bridge, I determined to make
a closer study of the delinquent mariner,
and was fortunate enough to find him,
a few moments later, engaged in sketch-
ing privily the features of an Hereditary
Prince. It was only then that, beneath
the Oriental disguise which had defied
the intelligence of the authorities, I
recognised The Other Pilgrim !
I may add (since it is my intention
to deviate as little as may be from the
truth) that my account of the above
episode is composed with the purpose
of simplifying The Other Pilgrim's
picture, and is based upon no sort of
fact.
I have used the expression "Here-
ditary Prince." This, again, is a justi-
fiable device. It serves to veil the
individuality of a very distinguished
person. 1 propose to adopt this method
of concealment in the interests of self-
preservation, as we have so many dis-
tinguished persons on board that 1 have
been told that I ought to give to my
journal the title of " With Dukes to
Delhi." Indeed, to-night, when the
stars rushed out close on the last of
the sunset, they almost instantly paled
Disguised as a Lascar, I make furtive studie's
of Dukes.
.1 ANUAUY
L903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
17
their ineffectual fires before the galaxy
of grace and breeding which met their
seaward ga/,e. And though tlie issues
of Putich which contain my observa-
tions on our voyage cannot reach India
till the Durbar is over, there is always
the fear of meeting many of my
present fellow - passengers on the
homeward journey, when these trifles,
cast upoii the waters, might return
after many day.-, to c< nvict me of
indiscretion.
So far we have hardly done jnsl
ourselves, being, in a measure, the s|M>rt
of wind and wave. Hut " Ship us some-
wheres east of Sue/ " and you shall
see. Meantime there is an inclination
to depreciate our resources, and one
may hear a lady, whose baggage con-
sists of thirty-five trunks, addressed by
another, who travels with only thirty,
in this way: "No, my dear, I have
brought absolutely nothing with me;
just a couple of evening gowns and a
tiara or two, and, perhaps, a few neck-
laces. When one is travelling, you
know . And then, in camp, it
would be too tiresome having detectives
about you all the time."
December 16. Neariw/ Port' Said.
A new and tremendous sensation ! Not
only are we approaching what is un-
doubtedly part of the land of the
ancient Pharaohs, but the very sea in
this neighbourhood is hallowed by
recent association with the Right Hon.
JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. Now for the first
time since leaving Marseilles we are to
touch at least the remote fringe of his
wake. I will write more next week,
but my heart is just now too full for
words, and the luncheon-gong, has
sounded. 0.' S.
THE NEW "ROADS" SCHOLARS.
[A Scholarship in Road Locomotion or Cycle
Kngineerinp; is to be offered to the Midland
University.]
LIGHT of the Midlands ! happy Birming-
ham !
Training alumni iu that useful lore
Which Isis and w'jich Cain
Eternally ignore !
Within thy groves co-educated youth
(Aspiring Boy with Academic Maid)
May realise how Truth
Goes hand-in-hand with Trade.
The market there they diligently watch,
Taught by thy Faculty of Commerce :
there
All on the hop they catch
The fluctuating share :
There, in their callings several, Degrees
Butchers and Bakers annually take :
By studying for these
They learn to butch and bake.
Girl (new to India). "EXCUSE MR, BDT CAN YOU TEU. UE^TIIE WAY TO KISKEE LODJE?"
He " DON'T KNOW IT BY NAME. WHAT 's IT LIKE ? " unh
drl, " On, WHITEWASHED THATCHED ROOF WITH A VERANDAH."
lie (still unenlightened). " THEY 'HE A.LL LIKE THAT. TELL HE WHO LIVES THEBE. I ' scan
TO KNOW TKM."
Girl. "WHY I DO!"
But most he satisfies the craving mind,
The youth who wins 'mid his competing
peers
A Scholarship, designed
For Cycle Engineers !
The studious boy whom some paternal
shop
Hart daily taught with profitable toil
'Mid chains and cranks to drop
The lubricating oil
To him some sage of Coventry shall show
(Perchance) the principles by which you
may
An Epic Cycle know
From Cycles of Cathay :
Or may the soaring fantasy suppose
Some student pale, on arts linguistic set,
Doing for Latin Prose
The C. T. C. Gazette ?
Oh no ! a language fortunately dead
In vain employs her blandishments on
him :
Daily he '11 learn instead
What brakes control the rim :
Treading the cinderpathof knowledge, he
Will realise the difference betwixt
Such wheels as circle free
And such as move, tho' fixt.
Why should the pedagogue and why
the Don
With learning frivolous the mind fulfil ?
Why waste our time upon
The Education Bill?
Books cause the brain quite needlessly to
ache : [spin re
But 0, the pastor's and the master's
Is this alone to make
The Cycle Engineer !
18
PUNCH, OR THE. LONDON CHAEIVARI.
[JA-NUARY 7,11903.
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19
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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, JANUARY 7, 1903.
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Under the stars' divining gaze,
On holy ground she watch'd apart ;
A little while she let her heart
Live in the long forgotten days.
Ah ! then not yet from over the waves,
With clash of steel and throb of dram,
The alien's armed feet had come,
Spoiling the peace of her silent graves.
She pass'd within the fallen shrine,
Old as her ancient royal race-
Lords of the forest, kings of the chase
And call'd on her gods to send a sign.
The darkness stirr'd with the dawning sun ;
The splendour grew more near, more near;
And day brought in the risen year,
And the lights of East and West were one.
\m
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O love that counts the past undone !
O faith that conquers pride and fear !
And day brought in the new-born year,
Anl East and West were join'd in one.
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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, JANUARY 7, 1903.
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And call'd on her gods.
tranquillo, come prima.
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The dark - ness stirr'd with the dawn - ing sun; The splen - dour gruw morn near, more
And day brought in the ris - en year, And the
tremolo legato. Pea.
O love that counts the past un-doncl O faith that conquers pride and
i
Molto stringendo.
HI/ Molto allargando. Aniinato.
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fear !
And day brought in the new - born year, And East and West were
fc*= =*-i=ati:*
love that counts the past un - done ! O
ioin'd in one
T/" Afolfo stringcndo
faith that conquers pride and fear !
And day brought in
Molto stringendo. :(
J Maestoso.
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JANUARY 14, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
19
MR. FRANKENSTEIN AND HIS EX-TEMPORE PROMETHIAN.
A TRACICAI. l>i:\\i\. BY II. B. JAIIIIKR.JKK, B.A.
T is of course scarcely feasible to
give here more than a mere
synopsis or syllabub of leading
scenes in a drama of such, enor-
mity. However, a single glass
may be sometimes more than sufficient for the good judge
of wine !
I have endeavoured to follow Mrs. SHELLY'S original text
as slavishly as possible, and shall honourably award her
credit for any speeches, incidents, &c., which are borrowed
out of book. By this means I hope to avoid condemnation
for any portions 'that may be open to criticism as lacking in
plausibility, or even in the ordinary amenities of tragical
requirements. H. B. J.
The Scene is Mr. VICTOR FRAXKENSTEIN'S Laboratory Work-
cell in the University of Ingolstadt. It is sumptuously
furnished with a large-sized Galvanical battery, cruci-
bles, stuffed crocodiles, and other indispensable para-
phernalias suitable to a young Scientific Student, At
the back is an arras-curtain, hermetically closed.
At the ascension of the curtain, FRISCHEN and LISCHEN
(acting under capacity of servants or Khansamas) are hot
busy with dusting household gods. They converse together
loquaciously. " Why is Mr. FRANKENSTEIN so phenomenally
addicted to brain work as to deny himself the most mediocre
spree?" "What is this funny and mysterious labour at
which he is pegging away under a rose behind the arras? "
&(.-. FRISCIIEN is a dull, while LISCHEN is of jokish proclivi-
ties, and this introductory scene (which is not in the original)
is intended not only to excite the beholders to uncontrollable
merriment, but also render them agog with curiosity.
Then Mr. FRANKENSTEIN enters from behind the arras. He
is of juvenile exterior, with a countenance sicklied o'er, like
a pale cast. The band should play some tune or other on
his appearance.
Mr. Frank. It is a dreary night in November but I am
shortly to behold the accomplishment of my toils !
[Taken from book ; the two Menials express polite exultation
at such good news, and exit salaaming.
After this two University Professors arrive, to pay a com-
plimentary visit.
.!/. Ki-i'inpe (a squat, gruff-voiced, repulsive Natural
1'liUosophy Professor). Good evening. (With a sly smile)
How are you getting on with Paracelsus Agrippa and
Cornelius Magnus ? You are squandering precious time on
such exploded and piffling pundits.
M. U aid man (a short, mild, erect Chemical Professor,
with a few grey hairs on hie temple, and those at back of
head black, iritli a sweet voice as in story). Do not summon
him over coals for such pursuits. He is already a facile,
princeps amongst our College-boys, and lias discovered
important improvements in chemical implements. (See -US.
for this statement )
M. Krempe. No doubt he is soon to find out the Elixir
of Life ! [He ni-iijIiH contemptuously.
Mr. F. (aside). They little suspect that I am engaged in the
composition of a large-sized mechanism in flesh and blood !
(Aloud) I have been trying my hand at raising ghosts and
devils, but have hitherto met with no luck.
[Taken from book.
M. Krempe. You surprise me ! But a little bird informed
me that you have been spending days and nights in vaults
and charnel-houses. [Adopted from original text.
Mr. F. (reluctantly). Such officious volatiles are not always
mere canards. It is a ben trovato.
M. Waldman (kindly). Youth will have its fling. And
even in a tomb it is possible to pick up useful information.
Mr. F. So I have found. For, by observing the natural
decay and corruption of human bodies, I have analysed the
minutiae, of sensation, discovered the causes of Life and
Death, and am learning to bestow animation on lifeless
matter. [Another verbatim quotation from book.
M. Waldman (pleasantly). Bravo ! You are indeed the
promising pupil !
M. Krempe (sardonically). May I ask whether he has any
wool to show for such a magnificent cry ?
Mr. F. Up to date the golden egg of my hopes is still to
be hatched. I entreat you not to pester me with further
inquiries, since even the mildest bookworm will turn if too
severely pressed !
Both Professors. We are unwilling to flagellate such a
willing horse by indiscreet cross-examinations.
[They discourse for a while on the metaphysical secrets of
the world, the Theory of the Unconditioned, and
similar topics, before taking their leave with best wishes
for some lucky windfall.
Mr. F. then has a fine soliloquy, which (if I have time) I
intend to polish up into blanker versification.
[While he is reciting this the band is to blow some aolemn
airs.
'Tis now the very witches' time of night, when churchyard
graves give up their great conundrums ! Behind yon arras
lies the giant frame, with fibre, nerves, and muscles all
complete, patched up from most inadequate materials. I
fashioned it of Brobdingnagian size, finding it easier than
to frame a Pigmy, and every feature is selected from
authenticated Grecian statuaries old PERICLES, and MICHEL-
ANGELO, to make my mould of form quite comme il faut.
Why linger longer? All is cut and dried! I've but to
switch the electric current on, and, stimulated by the vital
spark, my creature shuffles on its mortal coil and I shall
soon observe some lively symptoms !
[Turns handle of Galvanical machine. Weird melancholy
music is heard. For several minutes it appears as if
he is but to milk a ram but at length a blood-curdling
sigh emerges through the draperies.
Mr. F. (overjoyed). Toll-de-roll-loll ! Tant mieux ! Hip-
hip-hip-hip ! At last my monstrous chick hath burst his
shell ! I 'm all on tenterhooks till I behold the net result of
such a great Eureka !
[He goes to the hangings, all of a twitter icith excitement,
and draws 'back the hangings. Instantaneously his
eyes start from their spheres like stars, and his bedded
hair is erected by an awfully alarming spectacle. A
huge Monster, eight feet in stature, with dull yellowish
orbs, long lustrous locks, straight black lips, pearly
teeth, and a shrivelled complexion (description faithfully
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 14, 1903.
copied from book) in seen standing in ilie moonrays
wliicli will have to lie proridcd artificially.
N.b. The tragedian who is to perform the Monster will of
ourse be raised on stilts, and also wear a hideous mask, us
ustomary in ancient classical dramas by ARISTOPHANES,
ARISTOTELES & Co., or in more modern times with small
Condon juveniles on 5th of Novr. anniversaries. H. R. .1.
The Monster's cheeks are wrinkled % a grin, as he jabbers
in inarticulate xti/le, as if trying to complain that he is
in purls natiiralibus and consequently eool as a custard.
If preferred, he could lie robed in some blanket or
counterpane.
Vith a cry of irrepressible furikiness Mr. F. pulls the
arras together, and excludes the grim-visaged scarecrow
from the horrified visions of the spectators. Then he
has another soliloquy, which may compare not un-
worthily with similar and rather over-rated passages in
" Hamlet, Prince of Denmark."
Mr. F. Angels and Clergymen of grace defend us ! Was
t a spirit that I saw before me? Did I create that hideous
concern worse than the wildest dreams of Poet DANTE?
See book for this.] I fear I have produced a sad fiasco,
ind all my rosy hopes of gaining kudos are nipped in
Dud by this most shocking frost ! Oh, beetle-headed ninny
:hat I 've been ! Cui liono to have wasted time and thought
n the construction of a mere bete noire !
He staggers into a chair, weeping profusely. Presently,
vociferous knockings are heard on the exterior of his
door, at which he jumps about in paralysed dismay.
[I beg that I may not be prematurely charged here with
plagiaristic copying from the play of Macbeth ; it will soon
appear that I have treated the scene in very very different
fashion. H. B. J.]
The knockings are repeated. At last Mr. F., bucking him-
self together with a mighty effort, ejaculates faintly,
" Come in! "
Then but the remainder of this First Act is too stupen-
dously thrilling to be summarised -in a bald 'perfunctory
form. The palpitating reader is kindly requested to suspend
bis impatience for another week.
Any theatrical managers who are competent to constraci
a Hercidem ex pede can secure acting rights at once by
cabling terms to "JABBERJEE, Calcutta," and I respectfully,
inform them that all proposals will be attended to in strict
chronological order. No reasonable offer refused. H. B. J.
HOW TO GET ON.
No. V. IN AMERICA.
THE late Mr. JAMES PAYN on coming to stay in a countrj
house used always to address his host in the following
words : " Please take me at once to see the stables, the
horses, the cattle, the dogs and the greenhouses, and let'
get it over." In a similar spirit my readers, I know, wil
wish me, in writing of America, to say at once, first, tha
blood is thicker than water (though it passes my com pro
hension to imagine why anyone should ever have though
that it was thinner, or why so obvious a platitude shoulc
have brought comfort and inspiration to so many reasonabl
human beings), and, secondly, that the peace and prosperity
of mankind depend upon the continued friendship of th
two great branches of the Anglo-Saxon race. Having clearei
out of the way these two inevitabilities, I can proceed t
advise the travelling youth how he may best secure th
affection and esteem of our sensitive but warm-hearte<
kinsfolk across the Atlantic.
I will assume that you are an average healthy wel
developed young Englishman. You have been at apnhli
school ; possibly a University has hall-marked you with th
lystical letters B.A. Presumably, therefore, you have been
mipletcly educated. The question, however, is not how
ell you can foil a bowler or scatter a batsman's wickets, or
i\v, or kick an inflated pigskin, or write a copy of Latin
Ucaics, or toy with pure mathematics but rather, what do
on know of America and the Americans? Some vague
(itiiins of the country and its inhabitants you have probably
cijnircd. The former, you suppose, is large; the latter,
on imagine, all talk through their noses and are busily
1 1 LIM L'-ril iii capturing our ocean steamers and annihilating
ur commerce. You have heard somewhere it 's really
vonderful how these scraps of useful knowledge will insist on
lenetrating into the most unlikely places that America
nee belonged to England, and that then GEORGE WASHINGTON
r General GRANT, or somebody with a name like that, came
long and persuaded his unhappy countrymen to set up on
heir own account without a King, or a House of Lords, or
Lord Mayor, or palaces, or fox-hunting, or respectful
jeasants, or anything else that makes life not only tolerable
delightful in England. You have a general idea that
American men are either millionaires or colonels or judges.
n a way, of course, they are foreigners and yet they speak
nglish- through the nose, bien entendu. You can't
understand quite clearly why they should do this, foreigners
or the most part talking either French or German, the
ormer for choice, but in some obscure fashion you believe
t is a compliment to your native land, an indirect acknow-
edgment of that superiority over all other nations which
'ou know to be hers. You, therefore, feel on the whole
dndly disposed towards America. There must be some
substratum of good in a people who try their best to talk
English.
As to American women, you are convinced they are all
very tall and very beautiful ; that they say amusing things
n a droll peculiar way; that they call their father "Poppa,"
md their mother " Mumma," and that their society would
36 eminently desirable if they were not so disagreeably
clever, and knew so much about books and history and
:>oetry and foreign countries, and all the sort of tommy
-ot that only a few very advanced and unpleasant men in
England ever trouble themselves to think of.
As to the country itself, why you 've heard of New York,
Boston and Chicago (the place where an animal goes in at
one end of a shed as a pig and comes out at the other in
about a minute's time as sausages) ; the rest of the land you
believe to be prairie, with a few ranches (lotted about it, and
occasional cowboys and miners (though why the miners
should be there you can't conceive), all of them wearing
slouch hats and long leggings, and perpetually engaged, so
to speak, in eking out a precarious livelihood by shooting
one another with revolvers, or stabbing one another to death
with bowie knives, or lynching negroes in the presence ol
immense mobs. It must be so, for a chap you know once
met another chap who had been there, and who said that
these, things always happened. Besides, you 've read books
by a fellow culled BRET HAUTE, and others, in which such
incidents are much dwelt upon.
Equipped therefore with this compendious knowledge ol
America, its people and its institutions, you land one lint
day in New York with a mind only slightly shaken in its
attitude of complacent tolerance by the Americans you havi.
met on board, and by the Customs inspectors, who have
compelled you with polite phrases to acknowledge yourself r
British subject, and to make a declaration as to your
personal luggage and belongings.
(To lie continued.)
GOOD AUGURY FROM THE NEW ARCHBISHOP'S NAME. DAVID'S
son was SOLOMON the Wise.
Cd
JANTARY ' 14," 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.
CONFESSIONS OF CRINOLINE.
Tin presenting this specimen of literature
a la mo'/r, .Vc. Pmteh wising ii to be under-
stood that its authorship is a Profound Secret.
To lay bare a woman's soul that is
why I have taken my pen in hand. To
lay bare a woman's soul. There ;
have said it twice ; and if I said it ten
times more, that would be twelve. Ah,
dread mystery of arithmetic ! Oh, grey.
i_ r nm task of introspection !
Sometimes I wonder why I am so
beautiful. Save for a chronic roseate
flush at the end of my nosi>, I can find no
flaw, no imperfection. And yet, beneath
this fair and exquisite countenance.
Greek-like in its perfect repose, lie
potential bliz/.ards of passion, compact
of volcanic fires. Little do they suspect,
those others ! But to you, my^reader,
to you I will lay bare a woman's soul.
That 's three times I 've said it.
I am staying in a biff country house.
They have given me the Blue Room ;
not altogether inappropriately, you will
think, when you have read some of my
book. It looks out into the garden,
and in the garden the flowers grow or
would do if it were summer. In my
room is a picture, and it is fastened to
the wall by a nail and a piece of wire.
On the mantelpiece are two vases. The
dressing-table is close to the window,
and there is a looking-glass on it. Why
do I tell you all this ? Really, I do not
know, unless it is that you may under-
stand my environment aright. Oh,
opaline fog of existence !
My love-attack came on to-day while
I was journeying here. (Once a day
regularly I fall headlong in love, and
never twice with the same man.) To-
day's hero was a porter at Diddleton
Junction. Seldom have I seen a more
gracious presence than his. Here were
no meagre outlines, no niggardly sug-
gestions ; it abounded, 'twas unstinted
profuseness made visible. Fifteen stone
at least he must have weighed. I asked
him from which platform my train
would leave. "Number Two," quoth
he and his voice was dulcet-sweet ! My
heart was his, I felt ; his irretrievably.
Thrice more, at intervals of a few
minutes, I repeated to him my stupid
question about the platform. Conven-
tion limits us to these trite common-
places ! And I could think of nothing
else to say. unless I drew him to my
arms anil claimed him as my own, and
the others might . . . pah ! we are
cowards, the best of us. Alack ! My
hero read not the unspoken love-message
of my eyes. And when, soon after, for
the seventh time I repeated my question
-simply for the sheer joy of netting
his voice he seemed vexed, and moved
away. Of such tragic texture is life !
This afternoon 1 walked here from
COLD COMFORT.
Traveller (waiting for Train already twenty minutes late). " PORTER, WHEN DO TOO EXPECT
THAT TRAIN TO COME IN ? "
Porter. " CAN'T SAT, SIB. Bur THE LONGER YOO WAITS FOR IT, THE MORE SOBE 'TIS TO COMI
IN THE NEXT MINUTE."
the station. The thought of my porter
lingered yet ; I could not bear the
trivial talk of those driven here in
carriages, my fellow-guests. Nought
that I saw fitted my mood, until I
chanced upon a dark and dirty duck-
pond. Here was sympathy made
concrete and visible ! With" a little
velp I rushed towards it, dangled my
'eet in its wave, its turbid wave, and
raised my voice in strange, wild crooning
. thus it was that the farmer found
me. He said ... no matter what. But
I had found sympathy from the pond.
There is the dressing-bell. And my
feet are wet ! Oh, strange irony of
things ! I must lay bare a woman's
sole ! .
SERVED HOT. Glowing illustrated
account in Sketch last week of the Hon.
C. S. ROLLS, "a motorist who combines
wonderful 'dash' with superb skill."
Ahem ! Rolls and butter.
24
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JAS'CARY 14, 190.;
HYMEN AND THE HERRINGS.
[" The success of the English herring fishing continues to have a
remarkable effect on tho matrimonial market. One Sunday the banns
of no fewer than twenty-three fisher couples were published in Buckie
parish church, Banffshire." Daily Paper.]
WHEN the giddy little herrings are a-swimmiiig in the sea,
Many fathoms overhead,
'Every fisher lad is dreaming
Of the lass that he -would wed,
And a-thinking and a-scheming.
But the happy day seems distant, for, arrange it as you will,
It is difficult to many when your capital is nil.
When the foolish little herrings get entangled in the net
By the tail or by the nose
(But these matters I 'm not wise on),
All becomes coulmr de. rose
On the fisher lad's horizon ;
And a distant sound of wedding bells seems wafted o'er the
main,
As he feels the net each moment growing heavy with the
strain.
When the gasping little herrings have been hauled upon the
deck,
Into baskets they are shot,
And are packed away in dozens
Such a miscellaneous lot,
With their uncles, aunts and cousins.
As he gloats upon the numbers, then the fisher lad 's aware
There 's a scent of orange blossom on the highly perfumed
air.
When the late lamented herrings have been safely brought
to land,
And the market simply teems
With the tales of record capture,
Then away with idle dreams !
The reality is rapture.
So the fisher lad 's no longer undecided in his plans,
And he doesn't lose a single day in putting up the banns.
So the useful little herrings go their ordinary way,
Till upon a dish they 're laid,
And with knife and fork the} 7 're sliced on.
But they 've helped a man and maid
Get the money to be spliced on.
So the next time you have herrings for your breakfast or
your tea,
As vou gently pick the bones out, you should murmur,
"R, I. P."
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
THE Assistant Reader desires to call the attention of the
English public to Letters of a Self-made Merchant to his
Son, a book written by GEORGE LORRIMER and published by
SMALL, MAYNARD & Co., of Boston, Mass. For dry caustic
humour, pithy common-sense and good advice, relieved by
excellent stories capitally told, the A. R. has not lately read
anything that nearly equals these letters. They are sup-
posed to be written by John Graham, head of the house oJ
Graham & Co., pork-packers in Chicago, familiarly known
on 'Change as ''Old Gorgon Graham," to his son Pierrepont,
facetiously known to his intimates as " Piggy." They begin
with the entrance of "Piggy " as a student at Harvard, anci
follow him through his extravagances, his debts, his effort?
at reform, his start in his father's business, and his failures
and successes, to an eventual prospect of happy matrimonj
and commercial prosperity. Mr. Graham may have beei
AN IMPRESSIONIST.
" TlS NOT SO DEEP AS A WELL , BUT 'TIS ENOUGH,
'TWILL SERVE."
immersed in pork-packing, but he knew wonderfully well
liow to write racy English and how to get home every time
on his son's weak points. It is to be hoped that the book
will soon be published in England.
The Songs of Thomas Love Peacock, published in handy-
volume form in the York Library Series (BRIM LEY JOHNSON),
remind the Baron of the early George-Meredithian verse.
PEACOCK, whether as a writer of verse or prose, never
attained any considerable popularity ; but in his descriptive
style and his somewhat pedantic dialogue lay the germ at
least, so it has always appeared to the Baron of the literary
style gradually developed by the genius of MEREDITH. There
is some affinity between the songs of "Father PRODT " and
those of THOMAS LOVE PEACOCK, as the latter, in the midst
of his prose narrative, was wont to " drop into poetry,"
which amiable weakness gave considerable relief to even his
most admiring readers. THE BARON DE BOOK- WORMS.
THE DOMINANT NOTE.
OYSTERS are usually fed on sewage, and give typhoid fever.
Pork pies and all 'tinned foods give ptomaine poisoning.
Ale contains arsenic, and gives neuritis.
White bread contains arsenic.
Milk contains boracic acid.
Sugar gives gout.
The tannin in tea destroys the coats of the stomach.
Turkey is rich.
Pork takes five hours to digest.
No one knows how long plum pudding and mince pies take
to digest.
Everything is likely to give indigestion.
Indigestion leads to chronic dyspepsia.
Whether you are poisoned or are suffering from chronic
dyspepsia, you may become an inmate of twenty hospitals
and consult fifty eminent physicians, but they will do you
no good.
" Quackem's Pills" have cured millions, and would cure
you.
JANUARY 14, 1903.J
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
FOR ONE WEEK ONLY!
THE Durbar lias come and gone ! No more is the cry of
" Walk up ! walk up, just a-goin' to begin ! " heard in the
land. Not " iv nine (lays' wonder ; " indeed, for the matter of
that, .scarcely an inside of a week's wonder. Swift and bril-
liant as a flash of lightning. Kt aprcs? nous verrons. The
uiliceiit tohu-lioliu, is at an end, and "the Empire is
I Vace." The tents so striking are now struck; the properties
and "appointments," in fact the "whole bag of tricks,
toute la boutique," has been by now packed up. The
costumes arc once more stored away in the wardrobes
\\ hence they had been brought out, where they will remain
ticketed, dated, and laid up in lavender until required
for some future Durbar Drama. The carpenters have
cleared the stage; the dancing girls have returned to
their "marble halls"; grooms, ostlers, with handy-men,
are sweeping up the* saw-dust ; the "supers" have been
paid off, the baby elephant has returned to his cradle ; the
big elephants give a sigh of relief on being dismantled (for
they all agreed that "caparisons are odorous"), and their
trumpets sound a joyful note as they resume their ordinary
avocations. All is over, shouting included ; and, as the old
song records of events after the decease of the crafty miller,
" The world goes on the same as before."
The South African performance is in for a longer run,
the principal character in it having long speeches that
can't possibly be "cut." But not until Mr. Punch's
Pilgrim Commissioners have finished their specially interest-
ing and unique report will the last word concerning the
Delhi Durbar have been, uttered.
Virat India! Vivat Imperator et Rex! "Sic transit
gloria mundi ! " And may our own shadow never be less !
SEASONABLE SALUTES.
TAKING Lord CURZON'S hint as to the orientalising of our
institutions, it has been decided to acclimatise the Indian
system of conferring honour by the medium of salutes. We
understand that the following awards have been made :
Dr. Clifford. A permanent salute of nine angry canons.
Mr. Chamberlain. A temporary salute of seventeen screw
guns.
Jjord Arebury.A. permanent salute of the hundred best
maxims,
Mr. Jjniin \\'nin. A salvo of Mausers.
Mr. I'eter Kobinson. A permanent salute of innumerable
pom-poms.
Messrs. Day and Martin. A salute of thirteen Whitehead
torpedoes.
FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. A very pretty wedding recently
took place at the Registrar's, Whitechapel. The contracting
parties were Mr. JOE CROWBAR, only son of the late JIM
CROWBAR, who fell gallantly at Newgate, and Miss 'AURIET
SMIIH. The bride, who wore as her only ornament a lovely
black eye, a recent gift of the bridegroom, looked charming
in her Worth (not much) gown, and hat with large feathers.
After the ceremony the happy couple left by Underground
Railway for King's Cross en route for Haggerston, where
the honeymoon will be spent.
^ A\n AncHiTKCTi RAi.. To Lord CCRZON OF
KEDLESTON belongs one of the oldest, houses in the world.
Kedleston Hall was built, by ADAM ! It was one of the very-
few only slightly affected" (probably in the basement and
cellars) by the Deluge. It is interest'! ng to note in the Ai/'///
Ohromde's paragraph, last Saturday, on this subject that
AnAM'e prtnom was ROBERT. This 'is among " things not
generally known."
With Apologies to Tennyson's "Sleeping Beauty."
LOVE, IF THAT MlTF CIN BK 8(1 I.VDOK,
How LAKUE THOSE HIDDEN HANDS MUST DE !
A SORE POINT.
IT was perfectly clear I was out of the running,
My mortification I could not disguise,
They paced in the shadow, the companv shunning,
Soul leaping to soul, through their eloquent eyes.
Devotion of years had I lavished in vain,
But the luck took a turn when he trod on her train.
There soimded a rip, as if stitches were slitting,
The lady herself was brought up with a jerk ;
He smiled his excuses, facetiously fitting
The little mishap with a humorous quirk.
Poor innocent fool ! I emerged from my gloom.
For I read in her look his immutable doom.
Her peach-blossom face wore a look so malignant,
His dexterous epigram faltered and failed,
Her eye scattered lightnings forbidding, indignant,
His ardour was quenched and his countenance paled,
While she riddled his length with a fire of disdain,
From his head to his foot (on her gossamer train).
So she took me instead and our days pass serenely ;
T look out for breakers and mind where I steer ;
She sweeps o'er the carpet majestic and queenly,
I follow a yard and a half in the rear ;
My duties are heavy, but perfectly plain :
To work for her, love her, and keep off her train.
XK\V EXPLETIVE FOR COI.KKHS. -Assouan!
26
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
RY 14, 1903.
A VISIT TO THE POLEMICON.
(By our own Special Puff-Writer.}
I COULD hardly recognise the once
dingy old establishment in Pall Mall
when I again visited it tmder its new
auspices. Where dulness and apathy
had before reigned, now all was bustle
and activity. Dusty and stuffy offices,
where clerks had of old drowsed over the
Times, or occasionally diverted them-
selves by criticising the record of some
obscure Volunteer private, had given
place to bright and airy departments,
where shelves, counters, and even their
very floors, groaned with wares and
contrivances calculated to make the
mouths of those whom they were
intended to benefit water with anticipa-
tion. The whilom clerks themselves, at
length aroused from their habitual
lethargy, had been transformed into
managers, cashiers, showmen, and what
not, and were flitting about like so
many bees, eager to show by their
smartness and attention to duty, their
appreciation of the new era of pros-
perity and usefulness that has recently
set in.
By one of these I was received on
presenting my credentials, with a smile
of welcome.
"We are rather busy just now," he
said, " but I can spare you ten minutes.
We have just opened three new Depait-
ments. Perhaps you would prefer to
see those ? ' '
I assented, and followed my guide up
the handsome staircase and along a
number of spacious corridors, echoing
to the feet of the busy throng who were
constantly hurrying to and fro along
them.
I noticed in passing the Art Tailoring
Studio, through the door of which could
be counted no less than fifty skilled
specialists hard at work designing the
monthly patterns for the braid and
buttons of officers' uniforms. My con-
ductor also pointed out to me an old
gentleman sitting apparently wrapt in
meditation in a corner, who, he told me,
was exclusively employed in planning a
suitable unifoim for the head of the
establishment ; a work requiring much
thought, and already the subject of a
great deal of very interesting experi-
ment.
The Hat Department, into which we
next glanced, was, he informed me
with some display of just pride, of
peculiar interest as having been the
nucleus round which the whole es-
tablishment as at present reconstituted
had been built up.
The sight of " Spat and Puttee
Department ' ' on a glass door made me
ask him if there was a Boot Department.
"No," he replied I thought rather
sadly ; "at present there seems to be
no great scope for originality in boots.
But," he added, more cheerfully, "we
have hopes."
" We have now come," he continued,
opening a door, " to the first of our
new Departments, the Furniture Gallery,
stored, as .you see, with all kinds of our
Patent Army Furniture, of which the
Gimcrackerei Gesellschaft of the Black
Forest is now turning us out no less
than three hundred kilometres all told.
You will observe that our object is to
combine the maximum appearance of
elegance or \itility with the minimum
of cost. Here, for instance, is a piece
of imitation mahogany under which
any Commanding Officer might be
proud to put his legs ; and here, again,
is a chest of drawers, any one of which
will come out, if you only pull hard
enough and the knobs hold. And even
if they don't, it is of little consequence,
all parts being interchangeable."
I expressed my admiration, and we
proceeded to the adjoining Glass and
China Department, where everything
testified to a rigid observance of that
truly British principle, that use is a
thousand times better than ornament.
" The modern subaltern is more for-
tunate than his predecessors," I re-
marked, "in having this store to draw
upon at prices suited to his slender
purse."
My friend smiled.
"I think you misunderstand our
methods," he said. "We do nothing
so undignified or unprofitable as to
compete with the ordinary- shops in
selling furniture. By the special and
exclusive system of hiring which we
have introduced we receive a high rate
of interest on our original outlay, and,
at the end, have still got the furniture.
So you see to what advantage we can
conduct our business."
"But you have to take the risk of
breakages," I suggested.
" Only to a very trifling extent," was
the reply. "Our Chief has been very
careful to provide that every breakage
shall be strictly examined into by at
least a Court of Enquiry, and the larger
ones, such as of a mess table or side-
board, would probably be made the
subject of a District Court Martial. So,
unless it can be proved that the article
wilfully came in pieces of itself, it is
not likely that in many cases the delin-
quent will not have to pay."
We next entered the Charger Hire
Purchase Department. Naturally the
chargers themselves cannot be kept
here, but the room was hung round
with spiritedly-drawn sections, eleva-
tions, and ground plans for the cus-
tomer's guidance, and I learnt that a
live specimen was to be seen at Carlton
Mews, a short distance off.
"We have here," explained my
cicerone, "a slightly different applica-
tion of the hire system. The officer
makes yearly payments until the total
amount is equal to our estimate of the
value of the charger, after which it
becomes his own : so that he has the
satisfaction, so dear to the heart of
every true horseman, of ministering to
the declining years of his four-footed
favourite. And now you have seen
everything."
"Are there no more Departments?"
I asked.
"Not at present. But we shall
shortly have our Saddlery Department,
when we have secured a competent staff
of inventors ; and our Tinned Provision
Department, by means of which great
economies will be effected in messing,
and a more useful class of officer
thereby secured than we have at
present."
" But what about the Departments for
the organisation and administration of
the Army that I have been told of ? " 1
queried, in surprise.
My friend smiled again.
"You mustn't believe all you are
told," he said. "Those are just our
Chief's hobbies, with which he amuses
himself in his leisure time. But we are
all much too busy for such things here.
Good-day!"
SOME DELHITERIOUS REMARKS.
DEL-HI ! hi ! hi ! Back again ? You
needn't cut me so delhiberately !
So sorry forgive the delhinquency !
Well, I suppose you found it delhight-
ful?
Yes, I assure you quite delhicious.
How did you manage to go as a
delhigate of some sort or other ?
I went as a Press delhineator.
In Delhi when the Princes greet
Their Emperor with homage meet,
And loyalty's professions,
To him the scene more closely binds
All hearts, and makes upon all minds
In-Delhi-\>\e impressions.
I fancy you are suffering from delhi-
quescence of the brain !
Glad to be back again. Piccadelhi 'B
good enough for me !
Going to a concert to-night. Wish
I could hear ADAY.T//NA PATH. Shall
I doff my present Indian costume ?
That 's a Delhi-kit question.
[Exeunt.
THANK GOODNESS ! Last Friday it was
rumoured that Mr. CHAMBERLAIN had
been shot. There was a report, but no
pistol. Vive CHAMBERLAIN !
JANUARY 14, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
27
FOOD FOR THE MIND.
["Teach boys to cook. A man who cannot
cook his own dinner is but half educated."
Daily Mail.]
ON arriving at Choppun Taters, a
sweetly picturesque little village, we
inquired of an intelligent inhabitant
the way to St. Savory's College. A
walk of five minutes brought us to the
headmaster's door. St. Savory's is a
handsome stone building, resembling
a pork-pie in shape, and decorated in
the Gorgian style of architecture.
" Kindly step this way," said the
Butler, as "he answered our knock. We
followed him. He halted before a door,
through the keyhole of which floated an
appetising smell of cooking.
" E r jf the headmaster is at lunch
--" we began.
" Not at all, Sir," replied the official.
" The chef is merely correcting the Sixth
Form Irish Stew.""
" Come in," said a curiously muffled
voice in answer to his knock, and we
went in. The chef was standing at a
long table, on which were ranged some
thirty dishes of Irish stew. He wore a
white cap and apron. As we entered
he appeared to swallow something, and,
turning to a bright, handsome lad of
seventeen, remarked, " H'm. Better
than last week, but still far from per-
fect. A false quantity of onions, and
the entire composition inclined to be
somewhat heavy. You may go."
"Perhaps, as you are engaged "
we began tentatively.
" No, no. Certainly not. Pray be
seated. You wished, I believe, to
hear something of our educational
methods at St. Savory's. Of what use
hitherto has a public-school education
been to a boy ? Well, yes, as you say,
he has possibly learned to play with a
straight bat. But what else? Nothing,
Sir, nothing. All the Greek and Latin
he learned he used to forget as soon as
he left school. Quite so. Now we, on
the other hand, instil knowledge that is
really useful, and which cannot be for-
gotten. We have a large and able staff
of under-chefs, and, beginning with
theoretical work, the boys rise by regu-
lar gradations until, by the time they
reach the sixth form, they are capable of
turning out a very decent dinner indeed . ' '
" You mentioned theoretical work? "
we said. " What exactly ? "
"Ah, yes. Well, they read short
histories, such as the history of the
Stewit dynasty, for instance, and write
occasional essays. ' The relations of
Church and Steak ' is a good stock
subject. But it is our practical work
on which we pride ourselves. You see,
it pays them to do their best. A boy
who systematically fails to satisfy the
examiners has to stay in after school
BROWN'S COUNTRY HOUSE.-NO. I.
Brown (who takes a friend home to see his new purchase, and strikes a light, to show it).
" CONFOUND IT, THE BEASTLY THINQ 's STOPPED ! "
and eat his work. Very few boys need
this corporal punishment twice.'
" And the results ? " I ventured.
"Wonderful. Simply wonderful.
This year, which is neither above nor
below our usual standard, we have
won no less than fourteen important
trophies at the Universities. I will not
recount them all. Suffice it to say that
at Cambridge JONES (a ripe scholar,
JONES, one of the finest clear soup com-
posers we have ever had at the school)
won the. Porkson prize for mutton cut-
lets, and SMITH the Gravy Scholarship.
While in the Tripeos, as usual, the
name of St. Savory's was well to the
fore. As for our other triumphs, we
have done well on the range. We were
second in the contest for the Hash-
burton shield, and obtained the first
five places in the Fry competition."
"Then," we said", "you would de-
scribe the new system as
" A colossal success. Go to the study
of any of my boys. Once you would
have found the shelves littered with
dry Bohns. What do you find now?
Meat. Good afternoon."
28
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Y ] 1, 1!M);5.
,>ifSi
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TOMMY'S CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS.-NO. 2.
" WHAT A BEASTLY UGLY HEAD THAT POKY HAS, TOMMY ! "
Tommy. " DON'T FRET, OLD CHAP. THAT'S NOT TUB END YOU'LL SEE MOST OF, ANYWAY."
CHARIVARIA.
WE regret to say that, owing to some
remarks made by the VICEROY on the
subject of Furniture in the course of
the Durbar Celebrations, relations
between the Tottenham Court and the
Indian Court are somewhat strained.
There has been an engagement
between the Revolutionists and the
Government troops in Venezuela, and
both sides claim the victory. It has
been decided to refer the matter to the
Hague, but meanwhile the War will go
on.
The only news of importance from
France this week is that RO.MAIX
DADRIGNAC is fond of omelettes, while
FREDERIC HUMBERT has a preference for
boiled eggs.
The Washington Post Office is putting
a stop to the practice of manufacturers
using President ROOSEVELT'S name and
portrait to advertise patent medicines,
cigars, &e., but an article entitled
Selborue's Navy Mixture will shortly be
supplied to our Fleet.
Nearly a thousand more books were
published in 1902 than 1901. The
chief increase of the year was in fiction.
That was owing to the number of books
on the War that were issued.
The Crown Agents for the Transvaal
and Orange River Colonies are sending
out a thousand railway labourers to
South Africa. A number of domestic
servants are also being engaged, and
expect soon to be married.
The Duke of CONNAUGHT is popular
wherever lie goes, and, in India, he has
been made the subject of generosity as
magnificent as it is embarrassing. All
the Indian Princes have been presented
to him. It is not known what he will
do with them.
Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, we learn, has been
coloured by the Sun. This must be a
welcome change after being blackened
by the Star.
Those who say that Mr. HALL CAINE
can never excite or amuse have received
a nasty slap in the face. In an account
of a dinner to the poor, promoted by
the Dickens Fellowship, we read that
" the crackers given by Mr. HALL CAINE,
the novelist, were a cause of excitement
and amusement."
Certain Irish politicians are panic-
stricken. The report of the Irish Land
Conference contains recommendations
which, if carried out, are calculated to
bring lasting contentment to Ireland.
It cannot lie said that the
nient is not thorough. Realising that
the new Licensing Act will lead" to a
diminution in the consumption of strong
drinks, and to a corresponding increase
in demand for something less harmful,
they are also responsible for a Water
Bill
The Education Bill's " R.I.P." or
Epitaph.
Shade, of Shakspeare. What would
you like me to put on your tombstone ?
Education Bill. The divinities will
shape our ends
Rough Hugh them how we will.
I
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JANUARY 14, 1S03.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
31
PILGRIMS TO THE EAST.
III. THE PILGRIMS' P.-AND-O.-GRESS.
Dee. 20. In the. Red Sea. A blessed
calm has prevailed for many days, and
the pathetic line which opens a little sel
of verses composed by a lady on board
"A few more Peers shall roll" has
lost much of its poignant force. At
Port Said everything answered to expec-
tation, from the donkeys named after
Lord KITCHENER, LOTTIE COLLINS, and
Flying Fox, to the Arab coalers, dusky
by nature, duskier by their trade,
swarming over the low barges and up
the ship's sides like nothing so nearly
as a troop of lost souls clambering in
and out of Charon's infernal ferry. Bui
an unrehearsed effect was the genial
Something jaunty in Panamas.
welcome given us bv the officers of
H.M.S. Intrepid, guarciship at the Port,
who hailed the Pilgrims' party out of
the night as we were being rowed
round their cruiser on our return from
dining ashore, and insisted on making
us free of the ship from binnacle to
boiler room. A subsequent rumour
alleging that they were only too glad to
see anybody from the outside world
because they were in quarantine (with
the yellow flag flying unobserved in the
darkness) was a cruel calumny upon as
gallant and light-hearted a wardroom
company as ever offered hospitality to
errant squire and dame. To their
health and our next merry meeting on
the homeward track !
From Port Said to Sinai every local
stage-property was shown us in sample.
There was an encampment of Arabs
(possibly Bedouins), a camel, a bitter
lake, a mirage, a flamingo, an afterglow,
a desert, and a pelican of the same.
One suspected everywhere the ordering
hand of Messrs. COOK AND SONS. As for
the searchlight in our bows, the strange
glamour that it cast on common object;
the canal, the sand of the shelving
shores, the prosaic dredger (touched by
magic to the semblance of a glittering
silver palace) created out of the
colourless scene a " faerie land forlorn,'
elusive, moving before us as we moved
Breathing warm air off the desert, we
looked on a little Arctic world with, its
reaches of blue ice, and the sheen o;
snow on its edges. Or else we were
somewhere past the ivory gate ol
dreams, in the " Land East of the Sun
and West of the Moon." And when
the real moon rose we were stil
unashamed of having tried to better the
colouriitg of Nature, I think because we
could here excuse ourselves, for once, on
the plea of usefulness and even necessity.
This philosophic comment, advanced
by myself, has so far been the most
luminous observation that I have had
A Hotel Porter.
the good fortune to encounter in con-
nection with the panorama of our
voyage ; taking rank, indeed, above the
remark of a Peeress passed upon a peli-
can of the desert : " Is that a pelican ?
Quaint bird, ain't it?"
But then the absorbing idleness oi
life on l)oard leaves us unambitious and
content. Still, we should be hardly
human, in the English sense, if we did
not bring some element of energetic
sadness into our pleasures. Thus, we
have at last begun to dance upon
chalked patch of upper deck, having
first waited till the sultriness of the
nights had made all forms of exertion
intolerable. For we have now nearly
run our southward course : and to-
morrow the East will be calling with
no land between. Yesterday the officers
and stewards broke out, as by signal,
into white ducks]; and day by day we
An Oriental Reprobate. Port Said.
others are trying honestly to get our-
selves orientalised.
\Ve mould our minds to suit the East ;
We stuff our brains with MURBAY ;
And school our baser parts to feast
On curious forms of curry.
But the habits of the Orient are not
to be learnt in a day, and we still make
mistakes in the very elements of Eastern
lore. For an instance when, one of the
dominant race was told the other day
;hat we were to have the punkahs at
dinner that night, he showed a gross
ack of culture in replying as follows :
' All, yes, the PUNKAHS ! they joined
the boat at Suez, didn't they ? ''
I cannot find any excuse for such an
inswer; but on the other hand I
sympathise with the English lady who
confused the menu with the printed
ist of passengers, placed before her at
.uncheon, and ordered some Bungeegee
mder the impression that it was an
'ndian pickle, instead of the name of
distinguished native in our midst.
Reverting to the punkahs, I must say
hat their first effect, so low are they
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 14, 1903.
hung, is to induce symptoms of hysteria.
Later, one feels less like Damocles, and
more like an ordinary customer at the
barber's. But they are picturesque and
Oriental, and one would not willingly
have the P. & 0. play fast and loose
with cherished traditions that belong to
the unwritten part of their contract.
But it would be absurd to suppose that
they do their work as well as any
electric fan-ventilator from Birmingham,
or indeed are good for anything except
to suggest coolness by pushing the
warm air to and fro.
The white drill suits affected by the
Oriental Connoisseur have this same air
of coolness, though they are actually a
siull'y form of dress, and must be worn
simply to please the eyes of others.
Personally 1 have deferred this disci-
pline till I get to Delhi the head-
quarters of altruism.
We are still more than five days off
Bombay, and from now onwards our
staple topic will be the rumoured dis-
location of Indian railways. The scene
which we shall compose at the Victoria
terminus should, with luck, be one of
unparalleled confusion. I hope to post
my next in the very middle of it.
0. S.
LOVE LETTERS OF A BUSINESS
MAN.
THE course of true love, though beset
with almost insurmountable obstacles,
often rewards the faithful lovers at the
last with supreme happiness. But,
alas ! sometimes the said true love
proves nought but a toboggan-slide
leading to a precipice, into which the
true lovers' hopes are hurled and
dashed into atomic smithereens.
We have before us a volume of a
"Business Man's Love Letters," a few
extracts from which we give below.
Reader, if you have a tear, prepare to
shed it now ! The burning passion
which surges in the lover's heart,
though embodied in phrases habitually
used by a business man, is sure to
touch your soul. But presently comes
the pathetic ending, when she is no
longer anything to him, and he to
use the imperfect but comprehensive
vernacular is to her as "dead as a
door nail." Reader, read on !
August 1, 1899.
DEAR Miss SMYTHE, With reference
to my visit last evening at the house of
Mr. JOHN JORKINS, our mutual friend,
v.licn 1 had the pleasure of meeting
you.
Having been much charmed by your
conversation and general attractiveness,
I beg to inquire whether you will allow
me to cultivate the acquaintanceship
further.
Awaiting the favour of your esteemed
reply, Yours faithfully,
JOHN GREEN.
n.
August 3, 1899.
MY DEAR Miss SMYTHE, I beg to
acknowledge with many thanks receipt
of your letter of even date, contents of
which I note with much pleasure. I
hope to call this evening at 7.15 P.M.,
when I trust to find you at home.
With kindest regards, I beg to
remain, Yours very truly,
JOHN GREEN.
nr.
August 21, 1899.
MY DEAREST EVELINA, Referring to
our conversation this evening when
you consented to become my wife.
I beg to confirm the arrangement
then made, and would suggest the
wedding should take place within the
ensuing six months. No doiibt you
will give the other necessary details
your best consideration, and will com-
municate your views to me in due
course.
Trusting there is every happiness
before us, I remain,
Your darling Chickabiddy,
JOHN.
IV.
August 22, 1899.
MY OWKEST TOOTSEY-WOOTSEY, En-
closed please find 22-carat gold engage-
ment ring, set with thirteen diamonds
and three rubies, receipt of which
kindly acknowledge by return.
Trusting same will give every satis-
faction, 1 am,
Your only lovey-dovey,
JOHNNY.
X X X X X X Kindly note kisses.
v.
Novrmber 24, 1899.
MY SWEETEST EVELINA, I am duly in
receipt of your letter of 20th inst., which
I regret was not answered before owing
to pressure of business.
In reply thereto I beg to state that I
do love you dearly, and only you, and
also 110 one else in all the world.
Further I shall have much pleasiire in
continuing to love you for evermore,
and no one else in all the world.
Trusting to see you this evening as
usual and in good health.
1 am, Your ownest own,
JOHN.
VI.
January 4, 1900.
To Miss SMYTHE, MADAM, In accord-
ance with the intention expressed in
my letter of yesterday, I duly forwarded
addressed to you a parcel containing all
letters, &c., received from you, and pre-
sume they have been safely delivered.
I have received to-day, per carrier, a
parcel containing various letters which I
have written to you from time to time. No
doubt it was your intention to despatch
the complete number written by me,
but I notice one dated August 21 is not
included. Will you kindly forward the
letter in question by return, when I
will send you a full receipt ?
Yours faithfully, JOHN GREEN.
VII.
January 6, 1900.
To Miss SMYTHE, MADAM, I beg to
acknowledge receipt of your letter of
yesterday, and note your object in
retaining my letter of August 21 last.
As I intend to defend the issue in the
case, I shall do as you request, and will
leave all further communications to be
made through my solicitors.
Yours, &c., JOHN GREEN.
VIII.
15, Peace Court, Temple, B.C.
Messrs. BANG, CRASH & Co.,
9a, Quarrel Kow, E.G.
Smythe v. Green.
GENTLEMEN, We are in receipt of
your communication of yesterday's date,
with which you enclose copy of letter
dated August 21. We note that you
state the document in question has
been duly stamped at Somerset House,
and are writing our client this evening
with a view to offering your client
terms, through you, to stay the pro-
ceedings which have been commenced.
Yours faithfully,
BLITHERS, BLATHERS, BLOTHEHS & Co.
"THE TOPER'S WHO'S WHO."
IN* view of the Drink Act Black List,
the St. James's Gazette invites Mr.
DOUGLAS SLADEN to edit a publication
with a title similar to the above. It is
a good idea, and we expect some inter-
esting confessions as to the favourite
mixtures and magistrates, convictions,
public-ations, travels (in search of
refreshment), pseudonyms or aliases,
recreations, addresses (doss-houses and
unions), clubs (goose, slate, &c.), and
other autobiographical details which we
are accustomed to study with delight
in the pages of its prototype. Degrees
(of inebriation), pedigree and origin
(where ascertainable), birth-marks, with
other signs of distinction and means of
identification, orders (of the Boot,
Workhouse Bath, Broad Arrow, and so
forth), and tickets-of-leave will all find
a place in this indispensable manual.
We understand also that " Men of t he-
Time " will be re-christened "Men
who Have Done Time."
JANT.MIY 11. 1903/
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
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34
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 14, 1903.
"DE GOOSETIBUS NON DISPUTANDUM."
No question about it at all ; and Manager Author COLLINS
with author HICKORY WOOD by this time must feel quite
certain that the Pantomime at "The Lane" is as great a
success as ever ; that for fun, plot, and Dan-Leno-isms, it is
a real improvement on that of last year, though in mere
gorgeousness of spectacle it is not up to some of its more
brilliant predecessors. " For this relief much thanks " to
" the little boy who lives by the Lane." Perhaps we may
very gradually return to Pantomime in its most simple
and, alter all said, sung, and done, its most effective form.
The harmony in colour, of costumes and scenery, in Mother
Goose, is perfect, as also is the harmony in the orchestra
under the spirited conductorship of JACOBUS GLOVERUS, whose
hand (with baton) in it, is evident throughout. " On volt
Ulyssa dans cette affaire."
HERBERT CAMPBELL, as a sort of grinning Pickwickian
" Fat Boy," is quite at home when representing Jack, the
son of Mother Goose (DAN LENO), with whom he shares most
of the "comic business," taking his proportion of it with
Mr. ARTHUR CONQUEST as the affectionate, over-grown bird,
"a great goose." Messrs. QUEEN and LE BRUN are much
to the front as the fore-and-hind-legs of the inimitable
donkey whose scenes with DAN LENO are deliriously
eccentric. Words fail this scribe in his attempt to
convey some idea of the wonderful "Transformation
scene," where DAN LENO, the old, ugly, rheumatic Mother
Goose, after drinking of the magic fountain, suddenly
appears as the gay, giddy, fair-haired young thing, a
gushing damsel, in whom even that wise child Jack does
not recognise his own mother ! This is the hit of the Panto-
mime, and very cleverly as a bit of stage-business is the
re-transformation managed, from the " young thing " back
to the " old dame," in sight of the audience.
Miss MARIE GEORGE, as Gretchen, is a most valuable
addition, both to the singing and dancing and to such low-
comedy acting as is required in a Christmas pantomime.
This actress is a very clever little person, and, as her song
of "I uwuld not be a lady" shows, she possesses the true
humour of pathos. On dit that she is " going to the halls."
Surely there ought to be a great opening for her in musical
pieces at the theatres ?
Madame GRIGOLATI "wires in" with her graceful troupe,
herself performing aerial wonders, taking a "flight of
fancy," totally unconnected with any action in the story, in
mid-air over stalls and pit, so that her performance may
be described as " quite above the heads of a considerable
portion of the audience."
Miss MADGE LESSING plays a pretty Jill to Miss MAUDE
BEATTY as the Beattyfied Colin, with a sort of reminiscence
of the "Hush! bogeyman" song and other similar ditties
with chorus and dance.
Mr. FRED EMNEY gets as much fun as possible into the
doddering old Mayor of Tapham. Messrs. CAIRO and
ZOLA are comic as a couple of eccentric Scots, representing
"the long and short of it." or, presumably, " The High-
lander and the Low-lander."
Miss ALMA JONES, as the good contralto fairy Heartsease,
earns well-merited applause for her song (words of no
importance, tune and voice everything), and all praise is
due to the scenic artists Messrs. RYAN, MCCLEERY, BRUCE-SMITH,
CANY and HENRY EMDEX.
Had the Harlequinade commenced at 10.15 we should
have seen it ; but as the " Early Closing Act " compelled us
to leave at 11.15, in order to sup in comfort, we had to
forego the pleasure of renewing acquaintance with our old
friends Harlequin (ToM CCSDEN), Columbine (Miss CROMPTON),
Pa ntaloon (CHARLES Ross), Clown ("Whimsical WALKER"),
and Policeman (ALFRED, not ARTHUR, COLLINS).
I 'I
'THE TIP OF THE MORNING TO YOU!"
First Whip thanks him, and hums to himself, " WEES OTHEK TIPS,
AND T'OTHER PARTS, THEN HE REMEMBERS HE ! "
A. propos of the Pantomime, it is to be hoped that the
attention of Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS has been drawn to the
description in the Times of Thursday, January 8, of the
Kashmir Kontingent at the Delhi Durbar. How DRURIOLANUS
MAXIMUS would have revelled in it ! And what a magnificent
manager of the whole Indian show he would have been
with such materials at command ! Giants, dwarfs, weird
warriors, dancing girls, monsters ! Vive la Compagnie !
Only HERBERT CAMPBELL, MARIE GEORGE (with Dragon), and DAN
LENO were wanting to complete the show, with chef d'orchestre
Rajah JIMMRAWAK WITEKIDDIAH GLOVAR, glass in eye, baton in
band, to conduct the massed bands of Brass and String
playing music for the donkey specially composed by the
Sultan of MOKELLA. Bhang ! Tzing ! Dance !
"Unanswerable Logic."
Little Girl (to Proud Grandfather). Grandad, didn't some-
body say that our ancestors were monkeys ?
Proud Grandfather. Yes, Pussy ; why do you ask ?
Little Girl. 'Cos it 's nonsense. Some day I '11 marry and
be an ancestor, but I won't be a monkey.
A Question of Spelling.
' THERE 's sterling stuff yet in the Liberal Party,"
Announces Sir HENRY the hopeful and hearty.
Say the Liberal Leaguers, their banner unfurling,
" We Ve doubts of the stuff, but it 's certainly Stirling.
AN elderly beau had been delivering himself of certain
iorcible home-truths when lecturing his nephew.
" Wonderful chap your uncle," observed a friend when
,he old gentleman had disappeared, " so well preserved !
" I don't know so much about his being ' well preserved,' '
growled the aggrieved nephew, " but he is unpleasantly
candid."
JANTAUY 14, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
HIGHWAYS AND HYXVAYS.
XV. I'l \rii : A H\ciu:i.oi:.
TIIKKI: is no mistaking the sounds
proceeding from behind I lit 1 little crowd
that li;is gathered across the top tit' llir
ni-M i liming. Those vigorous blows,
accompanied ly that exultant nasal
war rrv, can unlv lie associated with the
iicctly elder brother nf the prosperous
gentleman so complacently drawing
pictures iu the initlst of a nightmare on
the cover til' this volume. L join the
little group and soon become absorbed
in the moving drama of life and death
(principally death which is very popu-
lar with the juvenile section of the
audience) that is being enacted before
mo.
Punch, a tow-headed malefactor with
a dental grin, has just in rollicking
fashion beaten out the brains of three
inquisitive but otherwise innocent
strangers, and light-heartedly laid their
remains head downwards across the
window-ledge, which done, he observes,
" Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! " with a
kind of reminiscent joviality, and pauses
to give the audience a chance to have
their laugh out. To him enters a fourth
stranger, in all matters of character
exactly resembling his predecessors, but
bearing the distinction of a mahogany
Face.
"What's this, what's this?" cries
Mahogany Face, eyeing a stationary
mud-cart on the opposite side of the
road with a fixed stare, but immediately
afterwards butting the first corpse with.
his forehead, from which I gather that
he refers to the corpse and not the
mud-cart.
"Why, golly, he's dead!" he ex-
claims i a conclusion to which he has
come I iy rubbing his mahogany nose in
the small of the deceased gentleman's
back i. " That makes one."
I It- moves on to the next corpse and
again goes through the butting and
nibbing process.
" I lolly, that makes two! " he observes,
and passing on repeats his
diagnosis on corpse No. 3.
' ''lolly, that makes three!" he ex-
claims, and rising erect again fixes the
mud-cart with a glassy stare.
"And that," squeaks Punch, quite
unable to restrain his amusement as he
delivers a fatally crushing l,l mv w jth his
cntL'el on the back of the newcomer's
head, " makes four! "
There can be no doubt of the success
of this supreme stroke of wit. The
audience is convulsed with amusement.
The aiuemic man with the hat is reaping
a harvest of halfpence. At the same
moment I feel a dig on my elbow, and
glancing round find my attention called
by an individual standing next to me,
who for some reason I am quite unable
unique
Mother. ''I HF.AB YOU'VE BEES SNOWBALLING, YOU NArcHTY BOY!"
Willy. " WELL, WHO TOLD YOU ? "
Mather. " A LITTLE BIRD TOLD ME."
\VlllU. "SXEAK!"
to state what immediately gives me
the impression of being connected with
gasworks. He points with the stem of
his clay pipe at the Punch and Judy
Show.
" \Vliere 'H Judy?" he demands in
an injured tone.
" I really don't know," I reply.
"Punch an' Judy they call it," he
say-, evidently labouring under a strong
sense of unjust treatment. " Then
where 's Judy ?"
I venture to soothe him.
"Perhaps she'll appear later," I
suggest.
(lasworks regards me with marked
disfavour.
"Later!" he exclaims with hostile
ist. " Later huh ! later ! "
Somewhat nervously I turn my atten-
tion to the show again. Tho four
corpses have been spirited away by a
mysterious hand in a direction which it
were better not to particularise. The
same mysterious hand, appearing on a
level with the ground from underneath
the hanging curtain, has grabbed Dog
Toby, hitherto sitting on a heap of
gravel, and barking superciliously at
the audience. Punch is now engaged
in the absence of human victims in
cudgel practice on the person of Toby,
responded to by that bored terrier by a
series of mechanical snaps.
" \Vhere 's Judy?" loudly breaks in
Gasworks, who seems to regard it as a
personal insult that wife-beating should
be omitted from the entertainment.
" Punch an' Judv, I thort yer called
it."
The drama continues. The owner of
Dog Toby, a deliberate citizen in
30
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 14, 1903.
mustard-coloured trousers, has entered to claim his property.
Sophistical dialectics follow }>etween him and Punch.
"How can the dog be yours, Sir," concludes Toby's
owner, " if I -lost him ? "
"How can the dog be yours, Sir," returns Punch with
spasmodic sophistry, " il I found him? "
Toby's owner is evidently sensible that he has met his
match in reasoning powers. But he continues with jerky
resolution :
"It was a fort night ago last Tuesday thatl lost 'im. '
"It was a fortnight ago last Tuesday," returns Punch
(somewhat undiplomatically, as it seems to me), " that I
found "im."
The deliberate citizen refusing to be convinced by argu-
ment, Punch again has recourse to the cudgel. _ I notice a
diminution in the applause, and look about me in surprise.
Then I find that Gasworks has left my side and penetrated
deeper into the crowd, where he is sowing discontent.
" Where's Judy ?" he demands in an aggressive shout ;
" woddyer wanter call it Punch an' Judy for ? "
A good many of the crowd seem to realise the justice of
this complaint.
"Yes, why ain't there no Judy?" inquires a woman
with a black eye of a companion with a baby.
' ' Why ? ' ' cries Gasworks, emboldened by success. ' Becos
they cawn't do Judy. They ain't clever enough that 's
why."
"It ain't wot it used ter be, is it?" remarks the woman
with the baby. "Why they used ter throw Judy's baby
outer winder."
The woman with the black eye seems quite convinced as
to the decadence of the drama, and several of the bystanders
seem to be of the same way of thinking. The entertainment
proceeds, though I cannot help noticing an unusual note of
asperity in the tones of Punch and of a certain idiotic hang-
man with a head like a new sponge, who has accommodatingly
called on the malefactor at his own residence with the gallows
under his arm.
"Where's Judy?" vociferates Gasworks in louder and
louder tones, his eye roving round the audience for fresh
proselytes.
" You Ve come to 'ang me, 'ave yer ? Oh dear, oh dear,
oh dear ! " observes Punch, but in tones of increasing trucu-
lence hardly in keeping with the jocund rascality of his
character as hitherto presented.
" Yes, Punch, I 'm sorry ter say yer a goner," returns the
hangman no less savagely.
" Why don't yer give us Judy ? " yells Gasworks, by now
at the head of a fairly numerous fa'ction. Then suddenly,
drunk with success, he advances to the show-box and leans
against the side of it.
" Where's Judy ? " he demands. " If yer cawnt do Judy,
get on 'ome with yer show."
The anremic man advances irresolutely. The crowd is
divided in its sympathies. Dog Toby growls from his
gravel-heap. Suddenly Punch, hangman and gallows
disappear precipitously, and a bullet human head appears
above the ledge.
"If yer want one on the conk," shouts the head, "jest
say so. Cawnt yer let a man get a honest livin' ? ' '
""H-onest livin'?" retorts Gasworks, with a scathing
emphasis on the aspirate. " Wot when yer cawnt do Judy ?
H-onest livin' ! Impostiers I call yer."
There is a volcanic disturbance inside the show-box, a
storm among the green baize curtains, and an unshaven
man in dirty shirt-sleeves breaks out into the open.
"Narthen," he cries, " d' yer want one on the conk?
Becos if yer do, jest say so."
Just in time (or out of it, according to the point of view)
a policeman arrives. Gasworks and Bullet Head are parted.
BEFORE OUR FANCY DRESS BALL.
Muriel (as "An American Girl " to her Aunt, who fancier hernelf
tremendously as "Zaza.") " OH, AUNTY, WHAT A CAPITAL DRESS! WHAT
is IT? A ZEBRA'?"
" Pass along there," says the policeman, elbowing the
crowd dispassionately. " Come on," (to Bullet Head) " take
the show away. Can't obstruct the road 'ere. Come on,"
(to Gasworks) " off yer go. That 's enough of it. Pass along
there, please."
The crowd disperses reluctantly. Gasworks, triumphantly
scathing, is driven off by the policeman. Bullet Head
puts on his coat, and proceeds to tuck up the baize curtains
round the legs of the show-box. The anaemic partner packs
away the figures and straps them over his shoulders.
"'Wanted one on the conk," observes Bullet Head remi-
niscently, and gets underneath the show-box. " Bridge."
I stand still and watch them depart, followed by Toby,
still undisguisedly bored, in the direction of Hammersmith
Broadway.
THE WEARING OF THE BLUE. It was recently announced
that " the Blue Ribbon among classical scholarships had
fallen to a Bluecoat boy." W T ith a slightly unmetrical
alteration of the line, we may say
" Fortunate puer, decidedly crede colori ! "
Back the colour through life. Marry a pretty blue-stocking,
and may your happiness last " till all 's blue " Avoiding
the excesses of Blue Ribbon-men, or of any other
Ribbon -men, be ever "True Blue!" And should you, at
any time, make a slip, get back to your right colour, and
be " azure were ! "
POLITE NAME FOR THOSE WHO HAVE A KNACK OF NOT STRICTLY
ADHERING TO THE TRUTH. "Reservists."
JANUARY 21, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
37
MR. FRANKENSTEIN AND HIS EX-TEMPORE MOMETHIAN.
A TRAGICAL DRAMA. BY H. B. JABBEIIJEE, B.A.
ACT FIRST (continued).
HE Reader will no doubt
recollect that we left oft at
the very exciting episode
of knocking at Mr.
FRANKENSTEIN s door. The
audience is inevitably to
imagine that said knocks are made by the Monster, and will
be proportionately surprised when the knocker turns out to
be Mr. HENRY CLERVAL, a romantically chivalrous friend of
Mr. F.'s adolescence. This device, I must humbly submit,
exhibits a rather profound knowledge of stagey effect.
Mr. Clerval (entering). What ho, my beloved friend ! I
am recently descended from Swiss diligence-dawk, and
arrive as the Family Herald, with latest intelligence of the
healths of Honble. SYNDICATE FRANKENSTEIN, your venerable
parent, Miss ELIZABETH LAVENZA, your affianced cousin, and
little darling WILLIAM, your brother.
[This speech is of course for instruction of audience.
H. B. J.]
Mr. F. (with a manifest effort). You 're welcome [as a
Mayflower. What tidings have you of niv ELIZABETH ?
Mr. Clerv. She is following the aerial creations of the
Poets as busily as ever. Her saintly soul still shines like a
shrine-dedicated lamp, and she has the same sweet and
celestial eyes. [Taken from description in vol. H. B. J.'
Mr. F. That is good news, indeed ! And how is little
darling WILLIAM '?
Mr. Clerv. Whenever little darling WILLIAM smiles, two
minute dimples appear on each cheek, which are rude with
healthiness. But your own are pale as dishclouts. This is
the result of leading the solitary existence of a Pilgarlic !
Mr. F. (glancing bashfully over his shoulders towards the
arras). I am not perhaps so solitary as I seem, my dear
CLERVAL.
Mr. Clerv. No matter it is not hygienic to live like toad
in-hole. I have come to bring you back to family's bosom.
Mr. F. Excuse me urgent private affairs detain me here
There is a rather big piece of work that I fear I cannot ge
away from. [Here he does some more backward glances
Mr. Clerv. (suspiciously). Behind the arras ? Oho ! '.
commence already to smell a large rodent.
Mr. F. (earnestly). Your nose is too sharp by half,
assure you there is no rat behind the arras !
Mr. Clerv. I will soon see whether that is so or not.
[He advances to the hangings. Mr. F. pushes him back, and
there is a violent snip-snap for some minutes till CHERVAL
contrives to kick the beam and draw the curtains. . . .
To the wonderment of both parties and all spectators,
the Monster is seen to be an absentee, and the back
premises are bare as a bone.
.Mr. F. (aside, relieved). The Demon has taken his hook !
le did not recognise myself as the author of his existence !
To Mr. CLERVAI,) You see, my cupboard is uninhabited by
my skeleton. I have been engaged in a scientific experi-
ment but it has gone off in smoke like a flash in pan.
Mr. Clerv. (shrewdly). Then you are now at liberty to
return to roost on your paternal roof-tree !
Mr. F. Be it so. I have been indulging too immoderately
n midnight oil, and require to change the air.
Mr. Clerv. I will go at once and secure best seats for
Switzerland. [He goes out.
Mr. F. (with factitious gaiety). I feel as gleeful as the
careless grig ! Let me assume my go-to-meeting garbage.
He searches his wardrobe-chest.) Oh, hoity toity ! all my
ogs are gone ! And in the coat-tail pockets copious notes
of progress in my monstrous manufacture ! What scoundrel
land has sneaked them unbeknown ?
[Here the figure of the Monstrosity, attired in the tight fit
of Mr. F.'s travelling toggery, is seen to pass the window
outside in the glaring moonlight. Mr. F. stares after
it dumbfoundedly.
Mr. F. He 'a got them on! But after all, who cares?
Sly notes, are Greek to one who cannot read. No fear that
le will ever find me out !
[More knocks at door. Mr. F. is suddenly afflicted with
brain fever, and falls down in a confused heap as
Mr. CLERVAL returns.
Mr. F. (in the feeble accents of a delirious). CLERVAL, my
boyhood's friend, remember this. Should any Monster call,
[ 'm not at home !
[As Mr. C. bends concernedly over him, tlie Monster re-
appears, unobserved, at the window, and gazes in with
fish-like optics as the Curtain descends, amidst vociferous
hand-claps.
ACT THE SECOND.
Several months have intervened. The scene is an open
country, with a cottage inhabited by the virtuous DE LACEY
Tamily. A dilapidated hovel is adjacent to the aforesaid
cottage. It is 'daybreak, and the Monster enters. He is
still wearing Mr. F.'s vestments [at least I cannot find that
the talented authoress mentions that he has procured any
roomier outfit], and carries a bundle of firewood.
The Monster (aside). This humble abode is tenanted by
an amiable household called DE LACEY, and a young Arabian
feminine of the name of SAFIE. They do not know as yet
that I have occupied the neighbouring hovel for many
months, and, by dint of assiduous eavesdroppings, have not
only acquired the parts of speech, but a first-class education !
[This is strictly according to original story.] As tit for tat,
I deposit firewood clandestinely on their doorstep. They
think it is the action of some benevolent fairy, but I shall
reveal myself shortly as the good-natured friend. Soft !
They are making a sortie. I will retire to my hovel and
become all ears. [He does so.
FELIX conducts SAFIE, the fair Arabian, out of the cottage,
and there is a conversation in which he describes (from
original book) how he, his male parent, and sister
AGATHA, came to leave Paris for such a distant and inferior
tenement, and she in turn relates the reasons which brought
her, a timid and female Turkish, all the way from Constanti-
nople. This will not occupy more than half an hour, and
without it I think the audience would perhaps fail to under-
stand the presence of an Oriental damsel in a French family
in Germany.
38
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 21, 1903.
Then Miss SAFIE says, Thanks to (your kind tutorship, 1
am now thoroughly proficient in Gallic colloquialisms and
irregular verbiage.
Monster (aside, in his hovel}. And so is this humble self,
having been secretly the tertium quid in such private
coachings !
Mr. Felix. And during the long winter evenings I was
able to read aloud the entire Encyclopaedia from cover to
cover including the Supplement.
Monster (aside). By overhearing same, I am become
literally chockfull of general information !
Miss Agatha (leads out old Mr. DE LACEY a venerable and
snou-y-bearded Hind). Again our anonymous benefactor has
bestowed upon us a bundle of firewood ! How truly magni-
ficent !
Old Mr. De L. A sad pity that such a good angel should
refuse his address ! But perhaps he is one of those who do
good by stealing, and blush to find themselves notorious. I
am longing to make his acquaintance.
Monster (aside). They are infernally encouraging !
Mr. Felix. Miss SAFIE, AGATHA, and self will now take a
short walk to do some goat-milking. You will not, my
Father, experience loneliness during our temporary absence ?
Old Mr. De L. A virtiious Senile, my son, can never be in
total solitude ! [Tlie others go out, leaving him alone.
Monster (aside). Now can I scrape his acquaintance pat !
(Comes out of hoi-el) Pardon this intrusion.
\V. original text.
Old Mr. De L. I am a very old blind and cannot see you
but you have a melliiluous, gentlemanly voice.
Monster. I am a poor post-mortem chap of very so-so ante-
cedents, and regard you in the light of a Polar Star.
Melancholy has marked me for her own with indelible ink,
and the very birds and beasts do snivel sympathetically over
my hard case !
Old Mr. De L. You are evidently in the peck of troubles.
Do not fear to imloose your Gordian knot.
[Here follmcs a somewhat lengthy colloquy. At the end of it
Mr. FELIX and the two females come back.
Mr. Felix (thunderstruck). Do I behold my venerated
progenitor hobnobbing with a cadaverous Monster !
[Tlie ladies go into sicoons.
Old Mr. De L. I had no idea that I was conversing with
a Leviathan. (To Monster) Be good enough to cut your stick
immediately !
Monster. Though endowed with repulsive exterior, I am
actuated by best intentions. Do not fob me off with a cold
shoulder !
Felix. We cannot possibly associate with such unwieldy
demons. Let us all fly from his loathsome presence !
[Thoij do.
Monster. Stop ! I have conceived a lively affection for you
all. Please accept me as a Tame Cat and Family Friend !
(.4 gun is heard to bang in the distance, and )iits ilie Monster
on the arm.) They have given me the cut direct the
unkindest cut of all ! After this, I will perpetrate heaps of
the lowest dregs of vice ! I will commence by making
yonder cottage a prey to the devouring element ! (He sets
fire to it irith matches.) Is this a manuscript in my coat-tail
pocket ? How lucky that I am no longer an illiterate !
Now to puzzle it out in the firelight. (He reads MS.)
What ! So I was manufactured by a Mr. FRANKENSTEIN, who
is a resident of Geneva a town in Switzerland where the
timepieces come from, according to the Encyclopedia !
Ho-ho ! I' will look him up ! I will look him lip !
This is the end of Scene 1. So. 2 will contain some
rather moving episodes. No reasonable offers have reached
me up to date, so I am leaving for London to buttonhole
Honble. Sirs HENRY IRVING and BEFBBOHM TERRY. I am
informed that there is a certain Mr. DANIEL LEKO, who is
also a splendid tragedian, and shall probably engage him
for one of the characters, if he turns out to be at all
competent. ; H. B. J.
PRACTICAL POLITICS.
MR. CHAMBEBLAOJ says that he hopes that future Colonial
Secretaries will visit the Colonies, and thus get an insight
into the practical side of Colonial affairs. Why should not
this admirable system be adopted by other Ministers of the
Crown ? May we not read in our newspapers of the future
something like the following :
The Marquis of LONDONDERRY, with a laudable desire to
comprehend the workings of our educational system, took a
class at Hackney Road Board School the other morning.
From an interview with Mr. ROBERT JONES (Standard TV.)
we gather that the noble Marquis's lesson in long division
was received with much enthusiasm and orange peel. Mr.
JONES added that, considering Lord LONDONDERRY'S lack of
experience, he wielded the cane with exquisite skill, and
with practice would soon rival old SLADCER (the worthy
head-master) himself.
The inhabitants of a Birmingham suburb were consider-
ably surprised on Boxing Day morning to find Mr. AUSTEN*
CHAMBERLAIN delivering their letters. His scientific postman's
knock (which we understand he had practised for four hours
at Highbury the previous day), the spirited way in which he
rallied the maid-servants, and the keenness witli which he
collected the customary tips, all prove that Mr. CHAMBERLAIN
is a convert to the doctrine of efficiency. One incident only
marred the day's proceedings. An inebriated householder,
addressing the Postmaster General, asked if Mr. AUSTEN
had called from Pa to pay his Old Age Pension.
We regret to announce that the Chancellor of the
Exchequer is seriously indisposed. In his anxiety to under-
stand the grievances of Income Tax payers, he undertook to
collect a portion of that impost himself. Unhappily he
revealed his identity to the first tax-payer he called upon,
and was promptly kicked down a steep flight of stairs. It
is gratifying to note that the tax-payer afterwards admitted
that perhaps he had been hasty and inconsiderate, and
thoughtfully conveyed Mr. RITCHIE to St. George's Hospital
in his own carriage.
With a praiseworthy wish to test the efficiency of the
Metropolitan Police, the Home Secretary successfully feigned
drunkenness in Piccadilly. In ten minutes lie found him-
self in a station cell, with his hat knocked over his eyes
and a broken collar-bone. On being bailed out by a Home
Office official, Mr. AKF.RS DOTOLAS expressed himself as
highly pleased with the dexterous handling of Police Con-
stable X 3492, and presented him with a framed and
autographed portrait.
Mr. HANBURY has spent the Parliamentary recess in
studying agricultural question?. He has practised, inter
alia, hedging and ditching, milking the domestic cow, and
the distribution of manure with the pitchfork. Owing to
an unfortunate difference of opinion with a bull, Mr. HANBURY
will be unable to fulfil his Parliamentary duties during the
coming Session.
SHAKSPEAIIIAJ* MAXIM FOR MONTE CARLO only that this
Maxim (HiR.AM his prenom) is not for but against Monte
Carlo : " The Play is (not) the thing." Avoid danger and
stay awav from Monte Blanc.
SUGGESTION FOII A MUSIC-HALL SONG (to suit any Lionne
Comique). "Wink at me only with one eye," &c., &c.
.33
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JASCABY 21, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
u
VALE !
GONT. ! Is it possible ? Thus do the years
Steal from us all we could wish to retain.
All that is pleasant in life disappears ,_
Only the sorrows and worries remain.
What though a church on the spot where it stood,
Methodist church, be erected instead ?
What though the object 's undoubtedly good.?
\Veep, for the Royal Aquarium 's dead.
Many 's the time I have pored o'er its sights,
Sights of which I at the least could not tire ;
Watched on a dozen consecutive nights
BIBNDIN the Great as he strolled on the wire.
Here was variety Time could not stale ;
Oft and again have I eagerly run,
Now to set eyes on the Labrador Whale,
Now on the lady they shot from a gun.
Here I marked SLAVIC'S and SULLIVAN'S skill,
Notable experts in "counter" and "fib,"
Watched with a relish their world-famous " mill,"
Cheered when the csestus came home on a rib.
Here, too, I learned that to some kangaroos
Skill has been given to spar with the hoof.
Here of an evening I 'd quake in my shoes,
Watching Miss LUKER dive down from the roof.
HOBSON his seal, Pongo's Simian face,
Z#x> (the bane of a shocked L.C.C.),
SANDOW, the feminine bicycle race
These were the sights that ecstaticised me.
Here saw I ROBERTS, the king of the cue,
Gazed on him daily, nor found it a bore,
Envied an eye so unerringly true.
Ah, that such visions shall charm me no more !
Still, when the logs are heaped cheerily high,
And in the chimney is howling the blast,
And when the beaker stands handily by,
I shall revisit the scenes of the past,
Muse o'er a pipe of the days that are dead,
Dream that once more I am able to scan
Closely the bird with the duplicate head,
Live once again with the Petrified Man.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
CERTAIN of finding a sensation akin to that provided by
The House on the Marsh, and other romances by FLORENCE
WARDEN, the Baron recently sat down to enjoy An Outsider's
Year (JOHN LONG), which commences admirably with a
promising trio of characters that were Miirgeresque in theii
bohemianism. But, alas and alack ! within the first hundrec
pages the Baron became aware that he had hit upon "a
light that failed," giving occasionally a little spurt. The
slight story, with the aforesaid characters which on further
acquaintance prove to be most ordinary and uninteresting,
plods along with here and there a brief gleam of watery
sunshine illuminating its path, xmtil the end comes, and
'tis laid to rest, regretted as one of the " what-might-have-
beens." With the little girl Kate .in Dombey, the Baron
says of Mrs. WARDEN, " FLORENCE is a favourite with even--
one here, and deserves to be, I am sure," so the sooner she
returns to her Dudley-Horne-Pemberton-Kitty-and-House-on-
the-Marsh form the better.
The Baron is of opinion that the thanks of all golfers,
from the Premier golfer down to the last of the T-caddies,
will be due to Messrs. JOHN WALKER & Co. for their Golfers'
" MtSlMY, DEAR, I TH1SK I SHALL BREAK THE LEliS OFF MY ^D
I DO SO WANT IT TO BE ABLE TO SIT DOWN AND LAY AN EDO."
Diaries and Match Books, and if they had added, for the
benefit of smokers, match-boxes, their work would have been
supererogatively perfect. Considering the amount of pedes-
trian exercise involved in the pursuit of the Royal and Ancient
Game, no more appropriate guide, illuminating theground with
his links, could have been found than WALKER. The Baron'
attitude towards the game is much the same as was that of
HERBERT, R.A. ("Mons. Hair-bair") towards the French
language, when he said to a distinguished foreigner, '| I do
not speak your beau-ti-ful tongue, but I admire him." So
the Baron plays not this lovely game, but he admires him
at a safe distance. THE BABON DE BOOK-WORMS.
Bootle-ful for Ever!
DURING the inquiry into the boundaries of Liverpool and
Bootle, Sir HENRY LITTLEJOHN is reported as " laying stress
on the impossibility of meat inspection " at the latter place,
and in this he was corroborated by Doctors RAW and MARSDEK,
who, on this meat subject, gave similar evidence, jointly, as
was meet they should. "lUw" would be decidedly a happy
name for a meat inspector, did it not suggest that he might
so easily be done. If, as alleged by these scientific
witnesses, Bootle is to be regarded as "a possible spot oi
contamination," it will cease to be a place for the once popular
Bootle'8 Baby, who won't be taken there by its mother in
this Strange Winter season.
A WANT WITHOUT A SUPPLY. In consequence of Bi-
valvular Disease that so seriously affects the oysters, will
not a committee of charitable persons start at once in
London !or elsewhere, an Oyster Hospital with, say, a
hundred beds to begin with? Open to all, of course.
42
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.
2J, 1903.
HIS FIRST AND LAST PLAY.
RALPH ESSEXDEAX, aged about fifty, is
discovered at a writing-desk. He
studies a newspaper, from which he
reads aloud, thoughtfully: "_So
that a successful flay may "bring
its author anything from five to
twenty thousand pounds." lie lays
down the paper, mutters "H'm!"
and taking up. a pencil .bites it
meditatively. 'EnterHrs. ESSENDEAN.
Mrs. Essendean (crossing to RALPH,
and, placing her hand on his shoulder,
asks affectionately) Well, dear, and how
is the play getting on ?
Kalph '(irritably). You talk of the
play, MATILDA, as though it were possible
to write a four-act drama in ten minutes.
The play is not getting on at all well,
for the simple reason that I am only
just thinking out the idea.
Mrs. Essendean (seating herself by
the table). How nice, dear ! And what
is the idea ?
Ralph (grimly). That is just what I
am wondering about. Now if you
will kindly retire to the kitchen and
make an omelette, or discharge the cook,
I shall be obliged.
[Leans over his desk.
Mrs. E. But, dear, I am sure the cook
is a most excellent servant, and
Ralph (turning round and speaking
with repressed exasperation). That was
simply my attempt at a humorous
explanation of my wish to be alone,
MATILDA.
Mrs. E. (smiling indulgently and
rising). Well, dear, of course if it 's
going to be a funny play I know you
would like to be alone. (1'aitxing <it
the open door.) And will you read it
to us after dinner? You know the
WILLOUGHBY-SMYTHES will be here, and
Mr. and Mrs. VAIIANCE from the Bank
are coming in afterwards. I am sure
they would like to hear it.
Ralph (irritably). The play isn't
written yet. (Plaintively) Do go !
Mrs. E. (sweetly). 1 'm sure you 'd
like to be alone. Don't keep dinner
waiting.
[Beams on him affectionately and exit.
RALPH gives a sigh of relief, rumples
his hair, and then icritcs for a few
minutes. Then pauses, leans IKIC!;,
biting his pencil, when the door is
flung open, and a very good imita-
tion-of a whirlwind bursts into tlie
room. The whirlwind is a robust
.person of forty, ho has a large
round red, face fringed with sandy
whiskers, and is one mass of health
and happiness. He wears Norfolk
jacket, knickerbockers, gaiters anc
thick boots, and carries a golfing
bag. He slaps RAIPH heartily 01
the back, and laughs boisterously
RALPH collapses.
Tcm (heartily). How are you ? Going
>trong what ? Asked the wife for you.
tnd she told me you were in here writing
\ play. Rippin' ideawhat ?
Ralph (icorried, but striving to be
Peasant and polite). What do you want,
Id chap?
Tom (cheerfully). Nothin' particular,
nly just to sec how you were gettin'
n what ? Do you good to have half
in hour out, just a few holes- golf-'-
vhat ?
Ralph (icith great self-restraint).
Thanks, old man. Not now. You
don't mind my asking you to leave me
myself a bit?
Tom (amiably, rising and picking up
iis bag). All right, old chap, you know
jest what ? Thought I 'd just look in
__ hey ? what ? Well, I'm off. (Goes to
door, thinks for a moment, and then
urns round) I say, I knew Thingummy 's
Acting Manager. If I can put in a word
about your play hey ? what ?
Ralph (rises hurriedly. Shakes hands
with TOM, and skilfully manoeuvres him
into the passage, then calls after him).
Good-bye, old man, and many thanks.
Closes the door and returns to his desk,
irinding his teeth .) Confound him !
Takes up paper and writes a few lines,
then reads aloud) " PuFFlNOTON puts
the letter in his pocket and passes his
liand through his hair. He groans ' O,
why did 1 ever write those letters ?
know FLOSSIE, and this means fifty
pounds at least, and if ever my Mother-
in-law gets to hear of it ! 0, lor ! here
she is.' ' (Puts down the paper and
looks up at the ceiling.) Now, speak-
ing to myself as one man to another,
1 can't help thinking that this sort oi
thing has been done before. I seem
to have heard it somewhere. I '11 I '11
-try a fresh start. (Writes hurriedly
for a few minutes and then reads^
Scene. Fashionable watering place,
the beach is crowded ; on the Pier the
band is playing a dreamy waltz. EDWIN
and MAUD are discovered in an open boat
Edwin. You must be tired of rowing
sweetest, come and steer. Maud. Just
as you like, darling. (As they change
seats the boat capsizes. After clinging
for ticenty minutes to the upturned
keel, they are rescued by a passing
steamer.)." That 's all right for
"situation," but there seems a lack o:
dialogue. They can't very well talk
while they are clinging to the boat
and what the deuce could they b
talking about before? If I let then
drown I should have to introduce fresl
characters. Bother ! (Meditates wit]
frowning brow). Playwriting appear?
to present more difficulties than
thought. (Takes up newspaper.) . " Maj
bring in anything from five to twentj
thousand pounds ! " Sounds tempting
but I wonder how it's done ?
Takes a cigar from the mantelpiece,
lights it, and, seating himself near
the fire, smokes thoughtfidly.
Gradually his head sinks back on
to the top of the chair, the cigar
drops from his relaxed fingers, and
as he sleeps, the shadow of a smile
breaks across his face. An hour
elapses ; he is still sleeping. Enter
Mrs. ESSENDEAN, who brushes against
the writing-table and siceeps the
sheets of manuscript to the ground.
Mrs. Essendean (crossing to RALPH
i.nd lightly shaking him). My dear, my
lear, not dressed yet ! Do you know
he time -just the half-hour.
Ralph (starts 'up). Eh? (Looks at
he clock.) Nearly half past, by Jove !
[ shan't be two seconds.
[Rushes hastily from the room.
Mrs. Essendean (picks up the extin-
guished cigar, and drops it daintily
into the fire. Looks round the room and
sees the littering manuscript). What an
untidy old thing it is ! (Picks up the
sheets, crumples them into a ball and
Jirows them into the waste-paper basket.)
There, that looks better.
Gazes into the mirror, pats her hair,
and exit.
(End of the Play.)
ENCYCLOPEDIC WHISKY.
[To the discussion on " Adulterated Whisky "
now raging in the columns of the Daily Tele-
graph Dr. LENNOX MOOKE contributes the
suggestion that the ingredients of each bottle
should be fully specified on the label. Such
an education in chemical analysis, we venture
to think, would prove too candid an eye-
opener to the average consumer of the cheap
and hitherto " silent " varieties on the market.]
ONE'S life is short, and, I would ask,
Could people face the tiresome task
Of mastering ev'ry learned label
That states with what each bottle's filled,
And whence and how and where distilled,
Ere reaching their convivial table ?
Whisky ! I used indeed to think
It was a simple sort of drink,
But now I 'in growing sadly wiser,
Reading the formidable list
Of matters that therein exist,
Detected by the analyser.
Sulphuric acid, maize (decayed),
Ptomaines, amines of every shade,
Potato, fusel-oil, molasses-
No more ! the catalogue must end ;
For such an omnium-gatherum blend
My intellect (and taste) surpasses!
Mr. Punch's Proverbial Philosophy.
GUINEAS don't grow on the copper
beech.
In Egypt you strain at the camel and
swallow the gnat.
One good turn deserves an encore.
JA.NL-ARY 21, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
43
WHO KILLED MRS. EDDY?
(Wriltrn after rcad'fn<j Mark Tim'm'x artirir
on (.'A >';*/ JCIH Seisnet in the "Xorlh Ameri-
can I'prieic.")
Sixer. poison is bane,
And blows irive us pain,
Who killed Mrs. ET-DY?
"I," 9n MMJK TWAIX.
With laughter -not pain.
In the .V. .1. /iVr/ivr.
With jukes that were true,
Anil wit that was ready,
1 killed Mrs. K.nnY."
ARMY REFORM.
(Some Honeymoon Pastimes.}
Wi: hope that Mr. BRODRICK is having
a pleasant holiday abroad. But if, even in
those more sunny lands, there should l>e
a wet day seeing that Ping-Pong palls
in time and that even Bridge becomes
wearisome after ten or twelve hours we
are convinced that Mr. BRODRICK will
turn eagerly to the great amusement of
his life. We therefore suggest for him
some delightful names, desrrilied as
well as I he civilian mind enables anyone
to fathom these mysteries.-
One of the best is the tunic game.
You take a large piece of paper and a
pencil, you close your eyes, aiid move
the pencil over the paper. You then
open your eyes, and send 'tins design
to the War Ullice as the new pattern
for bruid. or lace, on the .sleeves, or the
shoulders, or any other part of the
tunic, which every otlicer must obtain
within a week. The most amusing part
of the game follows. You close your
eyes again, and move : the . pencil irt-a
different way. You .then send this
second pattern to the War Office, to be
issued eight days after, as the one
absolutely essential and -inviolable
pattern tor every officer in ever}' part
of the British Empire. This is really
a very funny game.
Another funny one is the frock-coat
game, but this can only be played in
connection with India or similar hot
climates. You send instructions by one
mail that every officer must immediately
provide himself with a frock-coat,
properly braided, and in every way
correct. It would make the game much
more laughable if you could include in
the order a silk hat or a fur cap, a
black cotton umbrella, and six p:
black knitted woollen gloves. By the
next mail you issue an order that any
officer wearing, or even having in his
possession, a frock-coat, will be required
to resign his commission at once. This
delightful pastime causes shrieks of
laughter.
The khaki pattern game is rather an
artistic one. You send for a little
BROWN f S COUNTRY HOUSE.-MO. 2.
Visitor. " WHAT ON EARTH DO TOD WAST WITH A TORTOISE ? "
Jl/r. Brtnrn. " WELL, WHEN FRED HAD TIUT FRIGHTFDL ACCIDENT WITH HIS NEW MOTOR-CAR,
HE SOLD IT, AND BOt'OHT THE ToRTOI3E. SAYS IT SOOTHES HIS NERVES ! "
London mud there is generally plenty
in Piccadilly and a shilling box of
water-colours, and you mix all the
colours in the box tmtil you match the
mud, and then you have found the best
shade for the everyday working dress
of the officer. But that is not the end of
the game. The next day you send fora
little more mud this time from Pall
Mall, where the mud is less dense, if
the Ministers are more so and you
make another mixture, which is sure to
be slightly different, and issue that as
the one immutable and eternal shade of
khaki. The advantage of this game is
that you can go on endlessly, and the
officers enjoy it quite as much as any of
the others we have mentioned.
Of course there are some screamingly
funny games with belts, and boot3, and
buttons, and many other things, but we
have described enough for the present.
A SEQUITUR. ---Everybody has recently
been delightedly interested" in the reports
of the celebration of " Lord DALMEXY'S
majority." The question that now
occurs to many is, When shall we hear
something satisfactory as to "Lord
ROSEBERY'S majority ? "
44
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
[JANUARY 21, 1903.
HAMLET'S SOLILOQUY.
(New Style.)
[HENRY HAMLET writes to the Daily Mail :
For the last three years I have taken but two
meals a day, 12 noon and 6 P.M. Result : clear
brain, active body, in short, physical regenera-
tion."]
LONG years ago in Denmark I
Was sick and sad and peaked and
pined,
At length I know the reason why
I suffered this distress of mind.
I cried, " To be or not to be ? "-
Because my daily meals were three !
Methought I saw my father's ghost
Stalking the battlements by night,
Even the sentry at his post
Declared he saw the self-same sight.
The reason will be clear to you
Our meals were three instead of two.
Poor Uncle CLAUDIUS ! I believed
That you my honoured sire had slain,
But now I know I was deceived,
And wish you were alive again.
The thirst for vengeance that one feels
Arises from too many meals.
OPHELIA perished in despair
When my digestion would not mend ;
My dietetic errors were
The cause of poor POLONIUS' end.
I ran that harmless dotard through
Because my meals were more than two !
How happy, therefore, they who fix
Their minds on hygienic laws !
Two meals a day at twelve and six
Of every virtue are the cause.
This regimen, begun in time,
Will save you from a life of crime !
MORE CONFESSIONS OF A WIFE.
I.
THE night is wild and wet. It makes
faces at me which is rude. So does a
small boy from over the garden wall :
the latter even goes so far as to put his
thumb to the end of his nose and spread
his fingers out. I expostulate with my
umbrella. He leaves hurriedly.
Then my father's Secretary comes out
of the house singing " The Bedouin's
Love Song." Having a few minutes to
spare, he proposes to me. He looks like
a cross between a Greek god and a
Bowery costermonger. He has been
reading The Life of Robinson Crusoe to
father. I don't like curly men, but the
Secretary is curly. He is also creepy.
The rain is ceaseless. My waterproo:
is wet. I tell him so. All he replies
is :
" What-a-proof of its unworthiness ! '
The man who could perpetrate i
grey- whiskered chestnut like that, anc
try to pass it off upon a Wilderness Gir.
what is a Wilderness Girl, by the
way? as original, deserves any fate:
iven that of becoming my husband.
He coughs and clears his throat.
"You are cob I mean 'a little
loarse,' " I say.
" Rot ! " he ejaculates scornfully.
And he laughs laughs like the noise
if tearing calico laughs like a nutmeg-
grater on duty.
We go into the house, and I put on
my ruby gown.
DEAR MR. HELOSE, I fail to see why
' should be snapped lip in this way
lowever, as I have no other offer on
land, I suppose we may as well marry.
Sincerely yours, ELLA MENT.
June 25.
Where shall I find a name for that
which has befallen me ? If I call it joy
'. shrink away from the word, and if I
call it fear, that would be a lie pure and
simple.
' ' You have promised a MAN
hat you would become his
mfe."
Nobody in the world has ever done
such a thing before. But the Wilder-
ness Girl doesn't mind this.
Mr. HELOSE'S hair does curl beauti-
fully.
November 5.
Why is the world so Guy to-day ? I
mean, "so gay to-day." Forgive the
slip the date November 5 is respon-
sible. It is because I am married, and
no less than nine of my old flames
turned up at the ceremony. It was
nervous work when we came to those
mystic words anent "giving this woman
away." However, of course, none of
them did. They are all absolutely
trustworthy.
I keep on writing my husband notes.
I have already sent him eleven this
morning, and he is showing unmistak-
able signs of having had enough of it :
but I go on all the same.
DAN is at his office ; feeling unhappy,
'. telephoned him this morning
Are you there ?
Yes who is it ?
I am unhappy.
Well?
Well, that's all.
Oh all right I '11 make a note of it.
off, please.
(To be continued.)
To MY HUSBAND, I do not think we
have been apart three hours these fifteen
days, and now you say you mean to
strike, and claim a half -holiday on
Saturdays. Be it so. I will employ
the time in writing even more letters
to you. This one I will pin on your
Sunday trousers, so take care, dear
DAN, how you sit down in church. To
rise from your place suddenly, with a
wild war-whoop, as you absorbed the
business end of the pin, would probably
result in your being promptly fired out
by the verger for disturbing the meeting.
We have gone to live with Father.
Father mildly expostulated, and sug-
gested we should take a house of our
own, but we magnanimously refused
and told him we would live with him
until he petered out poor Father !
BACCHICS.
[In The Story of the Vine, Mr. G. R. EMERSON
.ings the praise of Bacchus. What can sur-
pass champagne " in tingling the torpid blood
of the coward," or, " in adding a lustre to
the charm of beauty and in imparting to the
sale cheek a blush that rivals the Eastern sky,
leralding to the waking West the arrival of the
solar god ? . . . What did not the culture of
the Greeks owe to the stimulus of wine ? "]
WHAT is the wine where bubbles dance
Wore bright than maiden's merry glance ?
What sparkles like the sun-lit rain ?
Champagne.
What nectar this, that should be quaffed
By deathless gods diviner draught
Than Zeus himself did ever drain ?
Champagne.
What would have gilt the gold refined
Of /ESCHYLUS'S master-mind
And lighted all his dazzling train ?
Champagne.
What would have thrown a perfume yet
More sweet upon the violet
Of PERICLF.S'S matchless reign ?
Champagne.
What would have lent the Romans
strength
To spread yet more the breadth and
length
Of their imperial domain ?
Champagne.
What makes the chicken-hearted brave,
And clamour for a hero's grave,
And scoff at scars with proud disdain ?
Champagne.
What brings a soft and rosy flush
To cheek that can no longer blush ?
What makes my MARY ANN not plain ?
Champagne.
What makes the dullard wise, and fit
To crack a joke with men of wit ?
What gives the minor poet brain?
Champagne.
What makes me talk ? What can ex-
plain
So glib and garrulous a strain ?
Methinks I hear the old refrain-
Champagne
BY AN AWFUL BOER. Summary of
the Chamberlainian speeches : " Vox,
et Pretoria . . nihil."
JANUARY 21, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
45
HOW TO GET ON.
No. V. IN AMERICA.
(Concluded.)
LAST week I landed you safely in the Home of the Free,
and by this time you will have been able to turn round and
find your legs, as it were, and accustom yourself to the
society of this strange and on the whole delightful people
who, with the English language on their lips, carry the
lit -art of a Frenchman on their sleeves, and have deep down
in their breasts another heart of their own, a heart compact
of tine pride and generous feeling, and gusts of sensitive
i-e.-rntinent and shrinking reticence that no Spanish Hidalgo
could match. It is a curious mixture, but there it is, and
the sooner you come to recognise it the better it will be for
your welfare in the country you are visiting.
Perhaps the first thing to be done is to accustom yourself
to the idea that Americans have of the average Englishman.
Kverybody knows what you think of yourself. You are the
only man in the world, the measure of perfection, the
standard of the greater virtues, the rule by which excellence
in the art of living and of behaving oneself is to be tested.
You have never really thought about this : you have gently
but firmly assumed it to be true and, not only true, but
recognised as true by every other nation. You are clever,
polished, brilliant, well-versed in the art of dress and the
irreat points of conduct in a word you 're a model. That 's
your idea. Put it away from you, get rid of it, bury it
deep underground and don't resurrect it until you 're back
in Liverpool. The Americans are a polite people, but you
can't be long in their society or read their newspapers and
periodicals with ordinary attention before you discover that
their idea of our matchless nation doesn't exactly square with
your own. It may be your privilege to hear a group, who are
not aware of your presence, telling a story in which a slow,
stupid and misunderstanding man is one of the characters.
You listen with a distant and amused tolerance until great
Heaven, you realise that the stupid man is an Englishman!
He says, "Haw, dontcherknow," with every other word he
utters, never sees a joke until everybody else has forgotten
it, and altogether behaves with a thick-headed foolishness
and a hob-nailed arrogance that makes him the laughing-
stock and the contempt of all the other characters in the
story that is being told. Terrible, isn't it? Of course
you 're not like that. Nobody ever is. But how on earth,
then, did the idea ever arise in the quick American brain?
That question you can answer, no doubt, but if you want
to answer it truthfully you '11 have to bring to your aid a
larger amount of modest diffidence than is generally to be
found in the hand-luggage of your travelling compatriots.
Well, it 's a good thing, no doubt, to be toppled every
now and then from your tall pinnacles of self-esteem, to be
forced, while you lie bruised and gasping on the ground,
to see yourself for a brief moment as others see you -but
what then ? In America you get up and shake yourself ;
the bruises become less sore, and your opinion of yourself
revives in the society of those Americans (and they are not
few) who pass their lives in running down everything that
has the slightest native flavour of Americanism about it.
No such high dry Tories as these are to be found in
England. They admire with an extraordinary fervour all
the ancient almses, the dismal tendencies to reaction and
obscurantism against which we struggle. In their lives, their
manner, and their language and dress, they are more
English than the most ignorant dull Englishman that ever
had his being in the mind of an exaggerating satirist, and
as for honest pride in their great country and its illustrious
deeds, they never felt a spark of it. Do not take these
gentlemen as your guides. Bear yourself modestly, be
DEA EX MACHINA. THE GODDESS] OUT OF THE' CAR.
" But what is this ? What thing of sea or land ?
Female of sex it seems,
That so bedecked, ornate, and gay,
Comes this way, sailing
Like a stately ship.
0000*0
An amber scent of odoriferous perfume
Her harbinger." MILTON, Samson Agoniates.
natural, try to shake off a little of that dead weight of
self-assured superiority that oppresses you ; think of Ameri-
cans as fellow creatures, sometimes vain, sometimes
themselves not unacquainted with arrogance and swagger,
but on the whole as honourable, upright, sensitive gentle-
men (we didn't speak of the ladies, who are all, to a
woman, charming and delightful), highly-cultivated, well-
informed, and of a hospitality that no other people can
equal. If you can succeed ever so slightly in this effort you
will probably enjoy your visit to America. If not, why,
you 'fl come back remembering to the discredit of the
Americans that they talk through their noses and part their
hair in the middle. And these, of course, are fatal and
infamous defects.
MORE HONOURED IN THE BREACH THAN THE OBSERVANCE. What
rough and rude horse-marine play is the pitching, tarring,
water-butting, and all the other tom-foolenes still practised
on board our vessels "crossing the line." As there is a line,
why not draw it at something short of these old-world rough-
and-tumble frolics ? Sailors will be sailors, but they needn't
be boys. In the case of Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S voyage, "clowning"
may be excusable with a " JOEY " on board, especially when
that " JOEY " lends his countenance to the " spill-and-pelt,"
and, like a good gallery lad, takes his seat "up aloft" to
look down on the pranks of poor JACK with a cherubic smile
of approval. These old customs die hard, and on land even
" Jack-in-the-Green," as a survival of May Day merriment,
has not had his final kick.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[.JANUARY L'l, 1903.
PROVERBS ILLUSTRATED.
IF YOU WANT A THING WELL UOSE, DO IT Ylll'l;.-],! I .
[Jones Miered tins cayiny before the frost.
AN EVENING FROM HOME.
AT the Aihambra the plot of the new
ballet, The Devil's Foryc, will remind
veteran opera-goers of Der Freischiitz,
and -the younger generation of Siegfried.
But the scene in the cavern of the
mountain witch, where the three army
corps of flame, frost and water fairies
are manoeuvred with the utmost pre-
cision and great kaleidoscopic splendour,
owes nothing to WEBER or \\'AGNER.
Miss EDIE SLACK, as that dashing young
blade, Karl, excellent in a Romeo cos-
tume; Mile. AI.MA MARI, as the Mountain
Fairj r , gives an excellent imitation of an
animated pair of compasses. Music by
Mr. GEORGE BYXI;, of the sumptuous
and sonorous type. For the rest one
can take trips to Fez or the Moon, per
Bioscope, or watch the NOLSET Troupe
noiset in nature as in name perform
their astonishing feat of "Circling the
Circ." Squaring the circle is nothing
to the achievement of this amazing
quartet of cyclists, who climb into a
large skeleton bottomless bucket, so to
speak, and then proceed, all four of
them, to race, full tilt round the inner
sides ot the bucket, which is gradually
hoisted up twenty feet into the air.
MY OWN REFLECTIONS.
(Written on a cross-Channel steamer.)
[It has been laid down by it. DES Pi. VM m:s.
the Italian Ambassador to Washington, that an
infallible cure for sea-sickness is to be found in
examining one's features attentively in a mirror.]
THE sea is getting rougher and
The wind is blowing hard.
We 're out of shelter from the land,
But 1 '11 be on my guard .
"Hi, Steward, Steward ! "--there he
goes,
" The next time that you pass,
Bring me a no, not one of those,
I want a looking-glass."
The vessel pitches up and down,
But now my thoughts have strayed,
1 'm gazing at my eyes of brown,
They are a lovely shade.
The sea is rising more and more,
A hurricane it blows
1 never realised before
That 1 VI a Roman nose.
A nasty lurch we gave just now,
And every timber creaks.
But oh ! the beauty of my brow,
The contour of my cheeks !
The salt spray wets me to the skin,
As waves sweep o'er the deck.
Ah ! let me contemplate my chin,
Though buried in my neck.
The passenger upon my right
Is gazing o'er the side.
I will not dwell xipon the sight,
It is not dignified.
How perfectly my eye-brows grow,
And critics must admit
That I 've got shell-like ears, although
They do stick out a bit.
But why is my complexion green,
And just a trifle pale?
Alas ! have these precautions been
Indeed of no avail ?
Oh fickle, faithless and untrue,
Thou mirror thrice accurst ! [you
"Here, Steward, bring me that which
Were going to bring at first ! "
ITNCH. nif TDK LONDON rilAKIYAI.'l. JANDABY 21. J 1903.
THE BEEEFT BIRD.
(Scene from the Pantomime, Tlicatre Royal, Johannesburg.)
DAME CII-MB-BL-X. " THERE, DON'T WORRY. IT 'LL BE ALL RIGHT. YOU 'LL LAY LOTS MORE."
TSR OytKKM (reaignedly). " WKLL-- ' WHAT YOU HAVK TAKEN', YOU HAVE TAKEN'.'"
JANUARY 21, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
49
MR. ITNCirS SKF.TCHY
INTKI.'VIKWS.
XI. -Mi:. SHAKY I.IT.
MR. LICK was pensively toying witli a
crisp rasher as we entered his sump-
tuous apartments in Verulaui Buildings,
Ham Common.
"Sit down and feed, and welroine to
our table," lit- remarked, pleasantly.
We replied that we had eaten already.
but that we hoped he would continue.
"Oil, Karons, on," he rejoined, plac-
ing two more slices in the chafing-dish
at his side. " What, ye knaves ! Young
men must live."
While he finished his repast we had
time to look round our host's comfort-
able quarters. The shelves bristled
with editions of the Master's works
bound in the best pigskin : the Novum
Organum, the Wisdom of the Ancients,
the Advancement of Learning, the
"Mr. Lee was pensively toying with a
crisp rasher."
Essays, the New Atlantis none were
missing. Portraits of the great man
covered the walls, varied here and there
by the effigies of kindred spirits : a full-
length (by TifOTTKit, R.A.) of OG, King
of Bashan ; a photograph of Mrs. G.vu.i r
in one of her rasher moments ; an
engraving of the Kit rick Shepherd; a
Kit-Cat of IGNATIUS DONNELLY ; and a
charming carte de visite of Mr. MALLOCK
in fancy dress as a Franciscan J'riar.
"And do you," we asked, "think
that BACON wrote everything?"
Mr. LEE signified assent in the iisual
manner.
"How simple that must make things ! "
we replied. "Then the Dictionary of
National Biography is merely a life of
BACON'S aliases? "
so yju shall but say the truth."
" Age cannot wither nor custom stale
his infinite variety," murmured Mr. LEE.
"And your life of SHAKSPEARE? That,
then, is the narrative of the Lord
Chancellor's most carefully maintained
deception? "
"A showing of a heavenly effect in an
earthly actor," our host replied.
" Then you hold that not only is Ham
Common but everything is Bacon, and
Bacon is everything? You are but a
projection of BACON'S personality ; and
we are Bacon and Bacon is every-
where? "
" I have unclasped to thee the book,
even of my secret soul," replied Mr. LEE
in his most poignant accents.
"In other words, then, the philosophy
of the Baconians is eternal and omni-
present Gammon ? "
"In saying so you shall but say the
truth," responded the eminent critic.
adding, with a sudden descent to the
more pedestrian diction of the Dictionary
of National Bioyraphy, " Evidences of
the truth of the great doctrine .abound
in all ages. CICERO had a villa at
Tusculum. DISKAKI.I look the title of
Beaconsfield, and GLADSTONE himself sat
for Greemvieh, which rhymes with
spinach, which is inextricably associate! I
with gammon, which rhymes with
Salmon, which is equivalent to GM IK-
STEIN, which is the German for GLADSTONE.
The wheel has come full circle ; the
loop is looped. Yes, we are all Pro-
bores 110 w."
.Before we left, Mr. LEE kindly gave
us some interesting particulars of In--
life. Born at Hog's Norton in Leices-
tershire, he was intended for a Shak-
spearian scholar, but at an early age,
'Perceiving the hollowncss of tin; (iivat
Stratford Mvth."
" A priceless Mexican Mustang haa been
retained for his exclusive use."
perceiving the hollowness of the Great
Stratford Myth, as he calls it, he turned
his attention to cryptograms, and with
the assistance of Sir THOMAS LIPTON--
who first divined the inner significance of
the names Ham-let and Polony-us and
of Mr. ,T. HOLT SCHOOLING, he discovered a
cipher which revolutionised our know-
ledge of the Elizabethan Age, proving
beyond doubt that The Visits of
Elizabeth was the work of | FRANCIS
BACON in his character as the Earl of
LEICESTER, and Elizabeth and her Gei-
man Garden an effusion of the same
author under the disguise of Sir WALTER
RALEIGH.
Mr. LEE, we may add, is just leaving
England on a lecturing tour in America,
and sails by the Oceanic, the entire
50
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
21, 1903.
lee-scuppers being reserved for liis use
In the States we understand that lie wil
be the guest of SUNNY JIM, and take part
in a great pig-sticking excursion in the
Yosemite Valley, organised by the
leading pork packers of Tippcrusalem.
A priceless peach-fed Mexican mustan
has already been retained for the exclu-
sive use of the distinguished visitor,
Mr. LEE has also been encouraged by
President ROOSEVELT to take a run down
.South to visit the sons of Ham, and will
appropriately lecture at Boston, the
scene of Dr". OLIVER WEN-PELL HOLMES 's
" Last Leaf," on the First Folio.
PILGRIMS TO THE EAST.
IV. THE PILGRIMS' P.-AND-O. -GUESS.
Dec. 21 : Gulf of Aden. Somaliland
lies somewhere near, and it seemed last
night as if the MAD MULLAH was trying
to get into my porthole. It was the
wind roaring in the windscoop set to
catch and turn him into my cabin. In
the result, one's head, in an upper
berth, is all but blown off, while one's
body is steadily melting through the
uight-watcbes. With what remains of it
one goes limply till luncheon-time,
talking to the people one knows best,
and taking little trouble to improve
new friendships.
I gatlier, by the way, that social
intercourse in the second class is
less hampered by self-consciousness
than in the superior part of the
good ship " (Imxeenor iSr/?ire." When
a new and unknown lady passenger
comes on board and walks depreca-
lingly down the critical'line of first-class
deck-chairs, it is a sign of breeding to
say, in a clear, bell-like tone, as she
passes, "Who is this person?" But
among the maids and men-servants (who
had a dance of their own the other
night) there is a different standard of
tact ; and of this there is a story to tell
very gveatly to their credit. For, shortly
after leaving one of the ports where we
had picked up fresh passengers, a lady
well known in Society," who had
been .on. board ever since Marseilles,
happened to stroll across to the second
class, possibly to get a better view of
the moon, and being unrecognised, was
addressed by a peer's valet in the follow-
ing simple words: ' 'A new face, I think ? ' '
Nothing but the desire to put the lady
at her ease had prompted the advances
of this so admirable CRICHTOX. And I
will break the confidence of one of my
Jady-friends so far as to repeat her
confession that, after reflecting on this
episode, she found that the prospect of
being wrecked on one of the ' ' Twelve
Apostles" all of them "dissolute
islands" in the neighbourhood was not
without its contingent consolations.
This morning we rounded the island
of Perim, and headed for Aden. '.
thought t of the Peri at the Gate o:
Paradise, and wondered if Perim at the
Gate of the ( Jarden of Aden was the
plural. This conjecture was not borni
out by the appearance of Aden itsel:
lying unshaded under its barren rock
Yet its very bareness helped to makt
the sentiment of the place : suiting wel
with this lonely outpost planted there
rigid and stern,. to guard our highway
of the East. And as if to give a touch
of colour to this romance of Empire
there was the Royal Standard living
above an English cruiser. As we cast
anchor, H.TC.H. the Duke of COSXAI cin
came over from the Renown to borrow
our Grand Duke for a little.
Boat - loads of swarthy natives,
sketchily dressed, plied us with stuffs
of Araby, and trophies of the chase ;
but the voracity of the local shark
(meaning the fish) has discouraged the
pretty fashion of diving for coins, which
is now treated as an attempt at suicide.
We were boarded by some thirty odd
officials of the Post Office, who are to
ipend the next four days in sorting the
outward Indian Mail a matter of 1700
bags.
Dee. 25 : In the Arabian Sea. We
liave been wishing one another a Merry
Jhristmas, but the heat is most severe,
and 1 uni certain that any effort to
realise this pious beuison would be
received with marked disapproval.
Indeed, throughout our voyage, the
lesigns of that deadly philanthropist,
,he "amusement fiend" the kind of
person who wants you all to go about
Blindfold try-ing to put in the eye of a
Dig .delineated in chalk on the deck
lave been, rudely frustrated at their
sirth. Since Aden our annals have
cept their silence, broken only by a
clearly expressed desire for cocktails--
with ladies, the costly " Bengal Lancer "
s very popular by some quoit tourneys,
jy a pool on the ship's run, and by a
.endency, as we near port, to collect
mtographs of our unique fellowship.
The noticeable absence of other ships
rom our horizon, coupled with a
curious dearth of those marine features
such as porpoises or whales) which are
n the habit of affording diversion to
royagers, has perhaps drawn us nearer
one another, binding us together by
1 sense of collective solitude. And
now, to the depressing prospect of a
surfeit of Christmas fare to-night, very
.inmanning in this tropical heat, is
idded the collateral terror of nfter-
Jinner speeches. I do profoundly trust
,hat there will be limits to the general
Mithiisiasm ; and that I shall not be
xsked, for instance, to stand, with one
'opt on an elevation, grasping firmly
he hand of a perfect stranger, and
\|ircssing defiance of the contemptible
hypothesis that auld acquaintance shoulc
ever conceivably escape my memory.
All the same, it has been a fascinating
voyage ; and our dear hearts are divided
betWeea a sense of relief, on the one
hand, that the good time cannot now
be spoilt by the weariness of its
delights, and, on' the other hand, the
regret that our community is to be
broken up to-morrow. Still, many of
us will be within hail of one another at
Delhi, and a good few besides the Tvro
Pilgrims are to return home Tinder
conduct of that very PARFITT Arabian
knight, our present Captain.
My next missive must leave too soon
to tell you of the Durbar ; but we shall
have seen the State Entry ; and, though
1 may not date from a howdah, as I
have not yet secured a private elephant,
yet I will engage that my language at
least shall already be marked by
Oriental luxury satd. abandon. 0. S.
INGENIOUS BALLADE OF THE
PANTOMIME.
WIIEX winter snows are on the ground,
When winter skies are grey,
When nephews everywhere abound,
And nieces come to stay ;
Then, though my youth be far away,
And pleasure but a phantom, I'm
Moved by the season to convey
A party to the Pantomime.
Myself, alas, with yawns profound
I see the limelight play
Upon the fairies dancing round
In tinsel bright array.
Hie prince, in tights and spangles gay,
Struts proudly like a bantam ; I 'in
Subject no more beneath the sway
Of princes in the Pantomime.
Yet those who in my box are found,
Types of a later day,
The jokes amuse, the shifts astound,
Of demon and of fay.
I look at MARJORIE and MAV,
Watch CHRISTOPHER and scan TOM ; I 'm
Glad to observe at least that they
Appreciate the Pantomime.
Children, my fancies, far astray
From screech o' clown and rant o'
mime,
lave found, I 'm gratified to say,
Four legal rhymes t3 Pantomime.
'WHAT is conviction?" asked Sir
IERBERT STEPHEN in the Times. Judging
'rom police reports, where it is fre-
quently stated that " many previous
onvictions were proved against the
jrisoner," we should be inclined to say
,hat, as a rule, conviction seems to mean
mprisonment with or without option of
ine.
JASCAUT 21, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[.JANUARY 21, 1903.
AN ELLALINE TERRISS-TRIAL
MATTER.
ONE must not look a gift picture-
book in the mouth. A gift picture-
book hasn't a mouth, but the giver
has, and the nearest substitute for
mouth in the above-adapted proverb
is "palette." There we stop, and only
say that the Ellaline Terriss Souvenir
("Bless 'er 'art!" as the inimitable
Mrs. JOHN WOOD hath it) for 1903 is
one of the cleverest put-together pieces
of workmanship we have seen for some
time. Who compiled it is a mystery,
but be he, or she, who he, or she, may,
the general result is excellent, and all
the quotations most happy. Personally
we should have preferred the small
portraits to have been theatrical, or
simply "professional," notabilities in
Art and Literature. What profits
"rank" in such an assembly? Here,
as Hamlet says, the " offence is rank."
But pardon the book is a "free gift,"
a souvenir to all, from the present
Manageress and Manager of the Vaude-
ville, to whom Mr. Punch wishes the
best of luck (and it can't be much
better than it has been) in their career.
A SANGUINARY SUGGESTION.
To MR. PUNCH, SIR, Mr. GARRETT
FISHER has been describing, in the
columns of the Daily News, the
methods by which a new Literary
Society proposes to stem the awful
flood of new and worthless books.
This Society will call itself the Omar
Club, after the gentleman who burnt
the Alexandrian Library, and is to be
" modelled on the organisation of the
late Thugs. ' ' Each member must pledge
himself ' ' to destroy a certain number
of new books in the course of each
month, and to do his utmost to dissuade
at least two authors." I understand
that in literary circles the idea is very
warmly approved, everybody believing
that the other fellow's books are sure
to be burnt. But with that I have
nothing to do. The beautiful ambiguity
of that ' ' to dissuade at least two
authors," and the reference to the
Thugs, have inspired me with a notion
for dealing with the decadence of the
periodical Press.
If you will ask any one of the Great
Rejected what is the cause of this decay,
he will explain in a quite unprintable
speech that it is the Editors. Never
before was there so much suppressed
genius knocking about- Fleet Street.
Never before did poor, starved Miss
LITERATURE, chained to the chairs of a
crowd of mahogany-headed Editors, cry
so piteously for literary bread.
You are known, Sir, to be a man of
chivalry, and a personal friend of that
young lady, and hence I call upon you
to open your columns to this invitation
to my brother objects of the Editor's
regrets to rise, and follow me !
Our numbers are thousands, and our
oppressors are but hundreds ! If my
fellow-sufferers will meet me unshaven
by the Law Courts one fine dark night,
in Inverness coats and squash hats, we
will rescue Miss LITERATURE and win
eternal fame. I will lead them to a
battle where they are certain to get the
best of it, as the enemy will be hope-
lessly outnumbered. We will seize
these wretches, these Editors (bah !),
and we will strip some of them and
paste their regret-slips all over them
and set them alight ! We will cram
the nostrils and the mouths of others
with printers' ink and suffocate them !
Others we will cast into their own
presses ! And the worst we will force
to listen to their own effusions while
we jeer at their dying wails ! " Some-
thing with boiling oil in it," and the
Huguenots' massacre will be child's play
to the things we shall do to these
tyrants who have lorded it over us far
too long. Excepting yourself, spared
for your kindness in publishing this
pronunciamiento, not one of them shall
be left alive, and Literature shall be
free to us.
And then, Sir, we will go " odd man
out " for their vacant chairs, and there
shall be no more refusals, and our letter-
boxes shall rattle only with fat cheques.
Yours, &c. GRADUS AD PARNASSUM.
CHARIVARIA.
SEVERAL articles on the Sultan of
MOROCCO have recently appeared in our
papers. From one of these we learn
that he is fond of amusement. His
ambition is to see a Parliament on
English lines established in Morocco.
Severe weather is reported from
Jersey City. Last week two heavily-
laden milk-wagons collided, and all the
contents were upset. In a few minutes
people were skating on a magnificent
sheet of water.
General ANDRE, the French War
Minister, has abolished the Mess for the
Army, and M. PELLETAN is introducing it
into the Navy.
We are improving. The news that
Venezuela had definitely submitted was
received in a quiet and dignified
manner, and did not lead to a repetition
of the wild and hysteric scenes which
took place when peace with the
Transvaal was announced.
America, it is announced, possesses a
monkey that can play Ping-Pong. We
have no wish to foster international
jealousies, but we have seen thousands
of them in England.
There has been friction with Russia
about the Dardanelles, and it has been
proposed that a fresh agreement shall
be concluded between the signatories to
the existing Treaty, by which no foreign
Power is on any pretext whatever to be
allowed to send war-ships through the
Dardanelles unless strong enough to
insist on it.
Meanwhile, Great Britain has told
Russia in no uncertain voice that it was
really too bad of her.
There is very little doubt now that a
Bill will shortly be introduced to pre-
vent the influx of undesirable aliens
into England. Such a measure has
become absolutely necessary, as it is
declared that our own criminal classes
are now finding it difficult to earn a
living.
There were prospects at one time that
the corning Riviera season would be a
peculiarly brilliant one, but it is now
announced that VIDAL has been reprieved.
The troops at the disposal of Sir
BRUCE HAMILTON, appointed to command
the 3rd Infantry Division of the 1st
Army Corps, at present consist of only
his Aide-de-camp. We hear that the
General has received orders from the
War Office to manoeuvre him.
Professor SORMAGNI, of Pavia, has dis-
covered the hydrophobia microbe. Many
dogs have gone mad with excitement
at the news.
England is not the only country that
requires a Drunkards Act. A remark-
able sea-monster has been seen by some
fishermen near Melbourne.
The War Office has been making ex-
periments with wireless telegraphy. It
is not known who told the War Office
of the invention.
Gold will always have an attraction,
but that was quite an unnecessary mis-
print in a Radical paper which said Mr.
CHAMBERLAIN was, of course, being drawn
towards the Gold Magnets in South
Africa.
The SULTAN has objected to the per-
formance of Dick Whittington by the
members of the British Embassy at
Constantinople on the ground of the
pantomime being immoral. He considers
Dick's rapid rise to opulence is not
satisfactorily accounted for.
JANUARY 21, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
53
.-.
c rirnr'n DjiigJilcr. "AFni.v roin, iss'r IT, Mi:?. ilfcoi.ES ? "
. .l/ii,; ; ;7,'*. ' Yrs, MY I IF MI. ]'iT, I'.t.rss vi:, I'.v lorirtr AMI WABJI ! "
54
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI.
[.JANUARY 21, 1903.
WHITEWASHING THE BLACKAMOOR.
HAD WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE, dramatic
author and actor, foreseen, " in his
mind's eye, HORATIO," the present
S reduction at the Lyric Theatre of
is awful tragedy Othello, in this year
of grace 1903, he might have felt
strongly inclined to rechristen it by
the style and title of Dainty Desde-
mona. A more fascinating repre-
sentative of this Moor-fascinating
young lady than Miss GERTRUDE
ELLIOTT it would be indeed difficult
BeetLe(loq.). "Haply.forl to find- Desdemona' a portrait, as
am black. -OAello.nl. S. ? j ven ug by thig ^^ j g an
exquisite work of art, it is "all," or, almost all, "my (or
anybody else's) fancy painted," it is lovely, pure, simple,
and touchingly child-like. Her mere appearance makes
lago trebly the villain he is, and Othello infinitely blacker
than he paints himself. For Mr. FORBES ROBERTSON'S
Othello is only a light mahogany-coloured hero, with scarcely
a smear of the tar-brush visible; nay, so highly polished
is he, as mahogany should be, that when he alludes
to himself as being "rude in speech," everyone feels that
this expression is only a false modesty or a trick of rhetorical
art, intended to catch the ear of the courteously appreciative
and politic Doge (Mr, IAN ROBERTSON) and of the assembled
patres conscripti, including the Pater Gravis Brabantio
(impressively played by clever Mr. SYDNEY VALENTINE), of the
Venetian Republic, whom, one and all, he wins over to his
side by the simple eloquence that had already captivated
Desdemona.
Opinions may, and surely will, differ as to Mr. FORBES
ROBERTSON'S impersonation of the "lusty Moor," who sneers
at "the turban'd Turk" while himself wearing a similar
head-dress (but perhaps after all this is a subtle touch of
human nature, indicating that Othello doesn't see himself as
others see him), and who is never really terrible until the
last scene, when his determination to avenge his supposed
dishonour is irrevocably fixed ; but there must be a strong
consensus of opinion in favour of Miss GERTRUDE ELLIOTF'S
fitness for the role of Desdemona. Her Desdemona is just
the child-like, home-nurtured creature (own sister to Romeo's
Juliet) to be entranced by the wondrous stories that the
wandering warrior either invented, or founded upon his own
experience in many lands, for her special delectation,
improving upon them as he perceived her hero-worship
developing, and himself becoming the very " god of her
idolatry." She took in all his legends as eagerly as she
would have taken in romances from a circulating library.
In the accomplished story-teller she sees nothing of the
" black art" attributed to him by Brabantio, who, on
any other hypothesis than that of magic, cannot con-
ceive how the dusky warrior could possibly think of such
wonderful things ! In the man who possesses " the voice of
the charmer," sweet simple Desdemona scarcely notices the
tinge of light brown that differentiates him from other
"coloured gentlemen" of a deeper dye; no, to her he is
what she chooses to paint him, and in her heart of hearts
she says to herself, " Othello's is the colour for my money."
And when the audience beholds this confiding child, so
miserably unhappy, and so distraught that she does not even
kneel down and say her prayers before going to bed,
would they not willingly stop grim Othello at the very door
of the bed-chamber and implore him to kill anybody, every-
body, himself included if he likes, rather than hurt a single
fair hair of Desdemona 's head ?
But Othello must carry out his author's purpose : it is his
destiny ! Kismet. His wife has been sadly singing about
"Willow, Willow," and now he gives the rhyme to that
word, and it is " pillow, pillow ! " He bolsters up his fell
purpose by lunatic reasoning, and, as it were, throws
"pillow" in her teeth . . . then draw the curtain. . . .
Macbeth-like, he is startled by the knocking at the door !
"Who's dat a-knockin' at de door?" and "Who's dat
a-callin ? " These are the Ethiopian melodies, quite modern,
which should suggest themselves to the Musical Director,
Mr. CLAUDE FENKJSTEIN, as a kind of dramatic Wagnerian
accompaniment describing the Moor's motive. " But," as
Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz observed, " Enough of this, gentlemen.
It is difficult to smile with ail aching heart ; it is ill jesting
when our deepest sympathies are awakened."
Miss GERFRUDE ELLIOTT'S Desdemona is a perfectly charm-
ing performance, and Mr. FORBES ROBERTSON'S Othello, in the
last scene, when we witness the madness of his jealousy
and the misery of his passionate love, is a masterpiece of
terrible realism.
Mr. BEN WEBSTER is an excellent Cassio, and in his
intoxication he is drunk as a lord, and behaving as much
like a gentleman as is possible to one so disguised in liquor.
Mr. GRAHAM BROWNE'S Roderigo is humorous, but rather
too idiotic. As Bianea, Miss AIMEE DE BURGH is "naughty
but nice ; " though how a lady of her notoriety contrives to
obtain the entree, unquestioned, to Othello's castle, is rather
a puzzle. The arrangement is not Shakspearian : the scenes
where she appears in WILLIAM'S play are "Before the Castle,"
i.e., out of doors.
Either Emilia is unsuited to Miss LENA ASHWELL, or Miss
LENA does not properly appreciate Emilia ; it matters not
which. Emilia is the antithesis to Desdemona ; she is a
woman of accommodating virtue ; a coquette and a virago.
Yet, on occasion, she is a grand person, dominating lago and
Othello, and carrying all before her. But this Emilia is
only a commonplace waiting-woman ; waiting for the chance,
and losing it when it comes. After lago has killed Emilia,
Othello puts her away somewhere behind the bed, out of
sight, and she is not missed. This is as it ought not to be.
As for Mr. WARING'S lago well personally I should like
to see him play Othello to Mr. FORBES ROBERTSON'S lago. I
feel morally sure that Mr. WARING would be far more at
home as that "rantin', roarin' boy," the Moor of Venice,
than he is as "The Ancient," while Mr. ROBERTSON'S lago
would be a very fine and subtle performance. At the
Lyceum IRVING and BOOTH used to alternate the parts. Why
not try the experiment at the Lyric?
MEM. (from our "Cottage" near a "Broadwood "). At the
St. James's Hall, as one of the items of a " Broadwood
Concert," Miss ETHEL WOOD sang Mr. Punch's " Durbar
Ode ; " music composed by Sir ALEXANDER MACKENZIE, words
by Mr. Punch's Own Laureate signing himself " 0. S." It
was first-rate, not by any means "a one-OS affair." Sir
ALEC, in his happiest Vein, has written a composition of very
great difficulty, and on this, the first, occasion of its being
heard in public, Miss ETHEL WOOD interpreted the Maestro's
work with rare intelligence and strong dramatic feeling.
Sir ALEXANDER was the accompanist. When he has any
time to spare that he doesn't require for a tune, perhaps he
may be induced to arrange his work for a full orchestra (of
course not for an empty one, cela va sans jouer) with the
same fair vocalist singing, and then we shall hear the
grand effect of WOOD and string combined with (what, well
managed, it ought to bring in). plenty of " brass."
AN EXCITING MOMENT FOR AN EMPLOYER OF LABOUR. The
Hands joined at the hour of twelve ! In another moment
they would strike ! ! No ! the works were out of order.
The clock stopped.
JANUARY i?s, 1 <.)<>.;.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
MR. FRANKENSTEIN AND HIS EX-TEMPORE PROMETHIAN.
A TRAGICAL DRAMA. BY H. B. JABBERJEE, B.A.
Ai SECOND: Sn;sK SIX-OND.
E are now in the Garden-Cora-
pound of Old Syndicate
FRANKENSTEIN'S bungalow-villa,
at Plainpalais, outside Geneva.
Correct Swiss scenery in background. Crevasses are seen
uplifting their icy summits into the cloudless ether, glaciers
foam and sparkle over lofty precipices, and now and then
an avalanche is heard rustling among the pine trees. Distant
cowbells are carolling forth their merry angelus.
Miss ELIZABETH LAVENZA appears, supporting the limp and
emaciated form of Mr. FRANKENSTEIN (Junr.).
Miss Eliz. (tenderly). You have indeed experienced the
narrow squeak, my beloved VICTOR. Happily you have
saved your bacon by the skin of your teeth !
Mr. F. If I am now going strong as a Phoenix refreshed,
it is entirely due to your kind attentions, my adored
ELIZABETH. I am resolved to chuck scientific researches in
future, and content myself with connubial bliss and matri-
monial felicities.
Miss Eliz. (blushiiuj like a beet). It is never too late to
turn over a new leaf. But here comes little darling
WILLIAM.
[Little darling WILLIAM dances sportively in, and there
ensues a rather pretty interval of infantile prattlings.
After which
Littlf d. W. (coaxingly). Sweet Cousin ELIZABETH, what a
magnificent miniature bedecks your swanlike bosom ! How
I should like to possess it as a plaything !
Miss Eliz. It i.s worth a Jew's eye
artless a petition. It is yours.
[She hangs it round his neck as Ayah JUSTINE enters; this
miniature episode is borrowed from original story.
Ayah Justine (smiling, as Little WILLIAM exhibits his
treasure.) Truly it is a valuable donation for so small a
juvenile ! I have come to take you out for an evening
airing.
[Little WILLIAM gambols frolicsomely off with her, like lamb
to the shamble-house.
.Vi88 Eliz. Poor girl ! She is of a gay inconsiderate tem-
perament, and has undergone many trials, having lost all
her brothers and sisters, and been accused by her maternal
parent of causing them to decease. (V. original?)
Mr. F. She is very, very gentle and of considerable
pulchritude.
but I cannot nill so
[Here the Old Syndicate enters, aii'l ///< follows an eloquent
discourse on the Objects of Exixti'iti'i', lh,' momentous aim
of the Disposition of Things, and how best to make
effectual the Epicedium. This of course is despatch-
cocked in merely to allow reasonable time for a murder
to be committed behind the scenes. At the conclusion a
Swiss Police enters in a violent
The SW'IHH P. (respectfully). I deeply regret to inform you
of a sad family cataclysm. Your little WILLIAM has just
Ijeen found throttled to death.
[N.b. I beg to announce that this incident is Mrs. SHEI.LY'S
invention not mine and that I have accordingly felt
compelled to include it. But, not to harrow up the
audience too severely, I have carefully arranged for
the affair to be transacted off the stage, as in the
leading precedent of MEDEA and her brats. H. B. J.
Miss Eliz. (completely upset). This is a truly calamitous
occurrence ! He was wearing a costly miniature portrait
which I gave him as a plaything.
The Swiss P. The miniature non est inventus and Ayah
JUSTINE likewise. [Enter another Swiss Police.
The Other Sw. P. (salaaming). I have the honour to report
that Ayah JUSTINE has just been run in, with a valuable
portrait concealed in her pocket. On being twitted with
infanticide, she tearfully owned the soft impeachment [for
this see book. H. B. J.] Kindly favour us with official
instructions as to further proceedings ?
Old Syndic. F. (severely). Since she lias cried " Mea culpa,"
fiat Justitia! Let her be blockheaded instantaneously !
[The Swiss Police make obeisances and depart, to exi'i-utr
orders.
Mr. F. It is barely credible that so good-natured a girl
should become impromptu such a first-class misdemeanant.
Old Synd. F. As a Judge, I cannot disregard the King's
evidence of a culprit who is also the sole eye-witness.
Mr. F. I know that you, my revered parent, are nulli
secundus in knowledge of Criminal procedures. But such
a sad event has afflicted me with total loss of spirits.
Old Synd. F. Do not be too cast down. These calamities
will occur even in best regulated family circles. Let us
summon up a stoical demeanour and celebrate the funereal
obsequies with elegant first-class gentility.
[They go out, and the Scene, ends here. Perhaps more sensa-
tional dramatists would have piled the agony up to
higher altitudes, and even have sought a meretricious
effect by representing elaborated burial ceremonies and
scenes of weltering lachrymation. But I cannot con-
descend to employ such ad captandum and claptrap
devices mei'ely to tickle the groundlings. IS.. B. J.
The THIRD SCENE represents an isolated neighbourhood
insufficiently illuminated by a sickish moon.
Mr. F. (entering gloomily to himself). 'Twos here that
little darling WILLIAM wheezed forth his last breath ! Such
an awfully atrocious tragedy would make even the boulders
to fondre en larmes. It is a comfort to know that Ayah
JUSTINE has been officially blockheaded.
[Suddenly the Monster is seen bounding over the ice-crevices,
as per volume.
Mr. F. (recoiling). You here ! Begone, vile insect !
(Mrs. SHELLY'S own expression.)
Monster. I expected this reception. (Mrs. S. again.)
Learn that it was this hand that wrung Little WILLIAM'S
callow neck, and subsequently inserted the miniature into
Ayah JUSTINE'S unconscious pocket.
Mr. F. Then she, was innocent and you have behaved in a
most discreditable fashion ! Approach, and let me instantly
extinguish the spark that I so negligently have bestowed !
(This splendid speech is also tlie work of Mrs. S.)
Monster. Do not sport thus with life. Remember that
VOL. cxxiv.
56
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 28, 1903.
you Lave known me ab ovo, and been Father and Mother to
me ! I entreat you to audi alteram partem. Have I not
suffered ad nauseam? It is the positive fact that I only
annihilated Little WILLIAM because he declined to regard me
with love-at-first-sight. My soul was glowing with love and
humanity. (Mrs. S.'s words.) Show me some fair play,
and sit down and listen to my tale of ill-luck !
Mr. F. (ri'lentinij). 1 will allow you hall' an hour to explain.
[Tlicy neat thrmselres on separate lo<jx.
Monster (commencing as in story). It is with consider-
able difficulty that I remember the original era of my being.
[He unfolds his harrowing tale at length; Mr. F. is reduced
to shedding copious tear-drops at intervals.
Mr. F. (at conclusion). Your story proves you to be a
creature of fine sensations (taken from original text), and
there is considerable excuse for your goings on. But what
can I do for you ?
Monster (with eagerness). Construct me a better half as
hideous as myself, to keep me in countenance !
Mr. F. (firmly). No. I have had enough of composing
ill-favoured monstrosities.
Monster. Do not meet me with a bald nolo episcopare ! I
ask a very moderate favour, but it will content me. As
Monsters, we shall be cut off from Society, we shall not be
happy but at least we shall be harmless !
Mr. F. (aside, with a wobbling resolution). Have I the
right to withhold the small portion of happiness that is yet
in my power to bestow? [taken verbatim from text]. But, if
I comply with your demand, I shall merely have a pair of
incubuses on my unfortunate back instead of one !
Monster (with asseveration adapted from story). I swear by
the sun, and by the blue sky, and by the love that burns
my heart, that, immediately on delivery of such an alter ego
as I request, I will book passages for self and partner to
South America !
Mr. F. It is a bargain ! I on my side undertake to go to
England sine die, collect ingredients for such a magnum
opus, and complete the job later on in the seclusion of the
Orkney Islands.
Monster. Depart then, and commence your labours. I shall
watch their progress with unutterable anxiety [Mrs. S.], and
will not fail to look in as sewn as my companion is the fait
accompli. [With this he ships nimbly over the crevices, and
promptly becomes an invisible.
Mr. F. (alone). Dark events have dawned through the
balconies of my house of life ! I had quite made up my
mind to restrict myself to a single Monster and lo and
behold ! I have let myself in for the production of a replica !
N'importe. ! I shall take care not to repeat the performance
a third time !
[He strides sombrely away as the, curtain is let dcicn.
The next Act will be the last, and infinitely the finest, of
all. I am aware that this is almost as if to promise an
utter impossibility but please, Misters, reserve judgment
till after publication. H. B. J.
Puddle and Muddle.
THE state of the London streets in thaw is bad enough,
but we hope not so appalling as reported in the Manchester
Guardian of the 16th inst. :
" Harrowing stories were told by councillors of Hyde Park Corner
flushed during severe St. James's Street, observing how that thorough-
frost, of no one being at one point to sprinkle ballast, and of ' a police-
man actually doing it himself, so great was the need.' One councillor
had spent a profitable New Year's Day in fare was, in defiance of
orders, flushed and left unballasted, to become one horrid puddle, and
a puddle in St. James's Street is a very great matter."
The narrative of the Manchester Guardian really makes
one ask Quis custodiet custodem ?
DALMENIUS MENTMORATOR.
(The Wail of a Liberal leaguer)
WE are waiting, idly waiting : will you not come back again,
Speak a word to give us guidance and relieve us of our
pain ?
There are scoffers to deride you, there are carpers apt to
sneer,
And they dip their pens in poison, and they think to make
you fear.
Patriot-peer, come forth and smite them till their insolence
abate
As they see your awful presence, as they hear the words of
Fate.
We have roses for your pathway, and there 's EDW-RD GR-Y
to strew ;
And we Ve lime-light, lots of lime-light, and we 're keeping
it for you.
We have tried to be eflicient : we have dubbed your speeches
great ;
We have Chesterfielded wildly since you came and saved the
State ;
We have ostracised the caitiffs who would dare to do you
wrong ;
We have called you so you wished it bold and resolute
and strong.
How we went about the country striving only for your fame !
How we hushed our reverent voices when we spoke your
noble name !
Chieftain ! would you know our efforts you have only got to
look
At the daily Pr,iiiROSE-pa?an in the Chronicle by C-K.
Oh beloved one, oh adored one. bid our aching hearts rejoice
With the quintessential wisdom of your fascinating voice !
Cn-Mii-iu.-x may roast and toast you, like a common loaf of
bread ;
Yet he makes you fit for butter, which your friends are
there to spread :
Luscious butter by the firkin from our unexhausted store,
Lo, you take it free and smiling and your cry is still for
more,
And if ASQ-TII tires of ladling you may look, and not in vain,
To the man from Auchterarcler, Mr. R-CH-HD B. H-LD-XK.
But you linger, ah, you linger ; and the months are creeping
on ;
Mr. B-i.F-n 's still in office, though Lord S-I.-SB-RY is gone.
From C.-B.'s embrace you parted, roughly parted with a
cnrse,
But C.-B. is up and doing, and he doesn't, seem the worse.
We have laboured late and early for our lord, the Earl of R.,
While you ploughed your lonely furrow though you didn't
drive it far.
Now we 're tired of drawing water, and we 're tired of hewing
wood ,
And we might be forced, like others, to forget you and for
good.
"MosT IXHOPPITABLE. SIR, 1 read in the interesting and
graphic article supplied by the Ipswich correspondent of
the Daily Chronicle to that paper, how, during the recent
trial, ' The Jury were driven from the hotel in which they
had passed the night,' but he did not inform us what
their conduct had been to da;erve this summary style of
treatment. Who drove them from the hotel ? The land-
lord ? " JUEOR IKDIGXANS.
JANUARY 28, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
\
V.
JANL-ARY 28, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
SOMETHING THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.
Mrs. Brmcn (being helped out of a brook by the gallant Captain, who has also succeeded in catching her horse). "On, CAPTAIN
ROBINSON ! THANK YOU so MUCH ! "
Gallant, but somewhat flurried, Captain. "NoT AT ALL DON'T MENTION IT." (Wishing to add something excessively polite and appro-
priate.) "ONLY HOPE I MAY 'SOON HAVE ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY OF DOING THE SAME AGAIN FOR YOC."
MASTERING THE OLD MASTERS.
SCENE The third gallery at Burlington
House. The usual self-complacent
crowd is jostling its way round.
Enthusiastic Amateur (excitedly).
Why, there 's the Earl of ESSEX !
His Fair Companion (interested in
the aristocracy). Where, TOM ? do show
me ! Is it the tall man, the one shout-
ing to the old lady in green, or the
stout man with white spats?
Enthusiastic Amateur (impatiently).
No, no, MILLY, not a real live Earl. Here,
No. 62, by ANTONIO MORE. Talk of the'
realism of SARGENT ! Why, do you
know, the expression of the lips behind
the moustache has been discussed by
our eminent critics ?
His Fair Companion (not so much
interested as she was, indifferently).
No? Really? [Sits.
American Visitor (planting himself
before a portrait, exclaims enthux
cally) " Nicolas Ruts," by Jingo !
Prim English Lady (his companion).
By whom did you say ?
[Refers to catalogue.
American Visitor. By REMBRA-ANDT.
Prim English Lady (examining the
canvas critically). I suppose it really
is a REMBRANDT ?
American Visitor. Why, certainly.
See here : ' ' Lent by J. PIERPONT MORGAN,
Esquire." That's better than any
brass-bound certificate, I reckon.
[Proceeds to explain how Mr.'J. PIERPONT
MORGAN will just purchase tin 1
National Gallery and the entire
show.
Smart, Lady Visitor (coming before
CONSTABLE'S celebrated "Salisbury Cathe-
dral"). This is the great "Rainbow,"
don't you know.
Second Ditto (turning her back to-
wards it). Really? That reminds me,
did I tell you how we motored down to
Maidenhead with the VENNINGS in a
thunderstorm ? It was huge fun !
First Smart Lady Visitor. No, do;
come to the tea-room, where we can
talk without being smothered.
[They ruMe away.
Enthusiastic Amateur. Ah ! here 's
chiaroscuro if you like !
His Commonplace Companion (search-
ing in guide-book). Skuro ? Who's he ?
Enthusiastic Amateur (not heeding
the interruption). See how the face
seems to glow from the transparent
shadows, like opalescent amber !
His Matter-of-fact Companion. I don't
know anything about that, old man,
but it 's a ripping likeness of TREE as
Hamlet or (vaguely) somebody. But, I
say, it 's just one-thirty. I 'm peckish.
Enthusiastic Amateur. Oh ! I think
this is delightful ! I could stay here all
day. A real treat ! One feels
His Matter-of-fact Companion
rupting him). So do 1. Look here, come
over the way and (nobly) I '11 stand you
lunch !
Enthusiastic Amateur (with tlie utmost.
alacrity). All right, old man ! I'm with
you ! [Exeunt quickly.
CO
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 28, 1903.
A BALLAD OF THE (THAMES) FLEET.
[" When the necessary Parliamentary powers have been obtained,
the London County Council will put on the Thames boats capable of
holding 500 passengers, which will run at 16 miles an hour."
Dally Pape.rJ]
"FOR forty years," said the ancient salt, " I 've sailed on
the rolling wave,
And scores of times, in various climes, been near to a watery
grave ;
Once 'twas a liner ran us down within a mile o' the Nore,
And once an iceberg gone astray in the region of Labrador ;
I 've lived a week on a leather boot, adrift in an open boat,
I 've plugged a crack in a fishing smack with the tail of my
Sunday coat ;
The stiffest gale couldn't turn me pale, and when on a rock
we bumped,
I fairly laughed as I strolled abaft, and headed the lads
who pumped ;
I 've sailed in a first-class battleship, I 've sailed in a collier
too,
And filled a bunk in a rackety junk that smuggled around
Peru.
Nothing, it seemed, which sailed or steamed, could frighten
me or dismay
That 's how I felt last night, at least. It 's not how I feel
to-day.
" A tidyish sort of craft she seemed ; I liked the looks of
her,
And paid my passage and stepped aboard as she lay off
Westminster.
Five hundred passengers, as I heard, was her due and
lawful share ;
But, with no more than a couple of score, we 'd plenty of
room to spare.
The skipper hugged his wife and child a rummyish thing
to do,
And his voice nigh broke with a sort of choke as he sum-
moned his trusty crew.
' The hour has come ! ' which was still more rum in a
quavering voice he said,
And then he signalled the engine-room, ' Full speed full
speed ahead ! '
With a splash and a dash we shot away we were running
full and large,
We 'd sunk in a jiff a pair-oared skiff and damaged a timber
barge.
The Thames was running mountains high with billows
foaming white
Our wash was enough to make it rough as the Bay on a
dirty night !
We sent a tug to Davy Jones, we carried away a pier,
And I don't remember the rest of it but thank my stars
I 'm here !
" Now, I 'm no chicken-hearted tar, nor touchy about my
craft,
And if the worst should come to the worst I 'd manage
aboard a raft ;
I 'd serve in one of them dratted things what buckles and
breaks in two
Destroyers they call them which destroys, as a general
rule, the crew ;
I 'd put to sea as a mere A. B. in a crank-rigged brigan-
tine,
Or even go to the depths below in a patent submarine ;
But never again so long as I live a passenger will I be,
Or take a trip in a pleasure-ship that 's owned by the
L.C.C. ! "
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
ANOTHER delightful addition to the series of The Temple
Classics "for Young People" (DENT & Co.), is Heroes
of the Norselands, Their Stories Retold, by KATHARINE F.
BOULT, who, if she will not take offence at the Baron's
manner of expressing his opinion, is a " champion story-
teller." The aim of this BOULT is achieved, hitting the
mark direct, and so (lucky publishers) making a DENT !
Let not the purchasers of this " Temple Classic Set " miss
one specialite of the series, viz., that inside the cover, just
as you open the book, you will see a little pictorial device
with the lettering, "This Book Belongs To "then follows
blank to be filled up with " M. or N. as the- case may be,"
being, of course, the name of its lawful possessor. The
Baron, who has hitherto been so engrossed in the contents
of the series as not to have noticed this excellent arrange-
ment, at once, in Cap'en CVtZe-like fashion, "overhauled"
the previous volumes, and added to their value by attesting
his ownership. Now " this in-dent-ure witnesseth."
THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
ODE ON THE MONUMENT TO THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON.
(.4 long time after Tennyson.)
[" It is now fifty years since the Duke of WELLINGTON died, Lut his
monument in St. Paul's is still unfinished ! "]
BURY the Great Duke
With an Empire's lamentation ;
Let us bury the Great Duke
To the noise of the mourning of a mighty nation !
How shall we honour him whom we deplore ?
On the great Cathedral floor
(After more or less delay)
We will put up, some fine day,
A stately monument
To mark our love of him whom we lament.
The statue over it shall represent
The Great Duke on his horse.
(It won't be done at once, of course,
But after half a century or so
Up the thing will go !)
Meantime, somewhere about
Though just precisely where I am in doubt,
It may be in the crypt or it may not
But somewhere, anyway.
There lies a cast, in clay,
Of horse and man, lying perdu and quite forgot.
A verger p'raps might point you out the spot.
Yes, somewhere, on the ground,
But not conspicuously easy to be found,
Lurking in darkness lies
The image of the man whose memory we prize.
Such honour has a great man when he dies !
How strange that he,
So far renowned through English lands,
Should meet so little reverence at our hands,
And that his image thus should be
Neglected shamefully !
The Duke was great and good,
And well deserved more show of gratitude
From us by whom he was so loud acclaimed
For his renown in fight ;
From us whose foes he manfully withstood.
Can we then, till we do his memory right,
Boast that " Whatever record leap to light
We never shall be shamed ? ' '
JAN-VARY 28, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
61
PILGRIMS TO THE EAST.
V. DELHI Jl<>!
New Years Err: Viceroy's Camp,
Delhi. After a voyage de luxe of two
days and :i night in one of the VlCEROT'S
spi'vials I slept in a sidin.tr at Aligarh
Station s.) as not to reach IVlhi before
daybreak. The OthflT Pilgrim was re-
ported to lie similarly shunted for the
night at Toonclla, in another special,
just Ill-hind us. A section of the native
population, less commodiously quartered,
lay about the platform, disguised as
sacks of iiats, waiting to be picked up
l>\ a parsing train either that week or
the Following. I was as happy in my
private cni// : as a man could well be
who had missed his socially chartered
hearer at Momhay, been compelled to
engage a duplicate at sight, and lost
four articles of his baggage.
On the previous morning I had ex-
perienced the must crowded moments
of a not too tedious career. If one
could choose one's first impression of
the K;ist, one would ask to drive, just
that way, at early morning through the
Mombay ha/aar, alive with natives of
every shade of hron/.e, moving with
superbly graceful ease In their respec-
tive spheres of indolence. Happily the
stray lady's-maid who found herself
beside me had travelled enough in
Egypt to be tolerant of the pronounced
sketchiness of their costumes. The
scene at the Victoria Station must have
been unique, even iu a country which
is not easily surprised. The VICEROY'S
private guests had been whisked off
with their cabin baggage from the
Arabia by a special launch before they
were fairly awake, while heavy trunks
went round in the ship to another
landing-stage. And here at the ter-
minus we all stood scanning the moun-
tains of luggage piled on a long queue
<
A PlMMNCIAI. PurF.STATE.
Seen in the streets of IMhi.
IN THE BALUCHI STAND AT THE STATE ENTRY OF THE VICEROY.
PUZZLE To FIND OUB ARTIST.
of bullock-carts, and yearning with
passionate eagerness for a sight of the
loved objects from which we could not
bear to be severed. As the various
packages were identified, the scenes of
recognition had in them something of
the pathos of a Sophoclean anagnorisis.
Women fell on one another's necks
laughing hysterically over their re-
covered treasures. But the paean of joy
was mixed with the wail of woe, or the
hoarse gutturals of despair. I heard a
high War Office official remark, with
noble resignation, " I have found twenty
of my trunks out of forty -five ; " while
his wife cynically recorded the lurid
scene on her Kodak.
The generosity and forethought of
our host made the journey one long
delight, chastened only by the intense
cold of dawn and a sense of urgent
regret for what we might possibly have
lost for ever. When, we paced the plat-
forms, or met in the dining-car, it was
to revive that pleasant intercourse which
so commonly ends with the arrival at port.
The quiet monotony of the plains, con-
stant ly relieved by splashes of vivid
colour wherever life was found, gave
way at last to the splendour of the
battlements of Gwalior; and just at
sunset we reached Agra Fort, crossed
the wide bed of the Jumna, half lost in
its sands, and saw the dome and towers
of the Taj Mahal silver-grey in the swift
twilight.
The lot of the Two Pilgrims hns
fallen in a lovely tabernacle. You lift
the double hangings of green rush and
Indian drapery, and enter the salon
where we receive our admirers. To left
and right are the sleeping apartments,
and beyond these the bath-rooms.
Everything that the heart could ask, or
courtesy devise (including bicycles and
electric light) is here to our hand.
Carriages or ponies may be had in this
fairy land for the waving of a wand.
The huge camp of the VICEROY one of
nearly half a hundred has been laid
out with the genius of an architect of
cities, and the care for detail of a worker
in mosaic. This is just our private
tent ; but for the Guests' Mess, reached
through a charming suite of rooms,
there is a most noble marquee (surviving
from a former Durbar), where we are
served by ban-footed priests, robed in
long liveries of scarlet and gold, with
particular phylacteries for the bearers of
wine.
My one of those mysterious processes
62
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[.JANUARY 28, 1903.
EAST AND WEST IN A HOWDAH.
Sketched at the State Entry of the Viceroy
into Delhi.
which are familiar to the students of
Kim, our original bearers (engaged by
a friend at Calcutta and mislaid at
Bombay), had passed us in the night,
tracked us down, and at the moment ot
our arrival sprang out of the earth at
the back of our tent with written proofi
of their identity. We naturally dis-
missed their substitutes, picked up at
Bombay ; and as I had advanced a
month's wages to mine, with paymenl
supposed for warm clothing, and now
handed to him by request his return
fare, money for his food on both
journeys, and a trifle of baksheesh, ]
consider him not ill-paid in touching
something over a five-pound note for
two days' attendance. I have subse-
quently found him a new berth, for
which he had the hardihood to demanc
another full month's wages in advance
These terms I modified, although h
declares himself to be a Christian who
has lost half his baggage en route
statements, both of them, which are a
once fashionable and unworthy of ere
dence.
A long line of Viceregal carriage!
bore us on Monday along roads linec
by Tommies and Native regiments, t<
the State Entry, which we saw from th
high porticos bordering the raised cour
of the Jumma Musjid. The processior
wound round the Mosque, on thre
sides confined by houses ; but on th
fourth side the setting of the scene wa
spoiled by a wide stretch of waste land
made more hideous by an advertisemen
of British fireworks. Beyond this th
elephants of the Native Chiefs' retinue
waited to fall into line. 1 should hav
been better pleased if the double files o
these quadrupeds had not marched
uch close order that the eye was left
.o time to do justice to the gorgeousness
f their trappings, and the elaborate
latterns painted on their supercilious
aces. I understand that they prefer to
narch like that ; and there are limits
o their amenability to suasion. I wish
low that I had gone down the vast
teps of the Mosque where the turbans
if the native spectators glowed, tier on
ier, like a bank of chrysanthemums
nd joined the crowd below ; for it is
lot quite fair to an elephant to fore-
horten him from above.
As for the procession, it left the
magination sated to the point of reple-
ion. I feel, even at this distance, that
he one need of England is more ele-
phants. Why should London wait ?
Myself flitting from one corner of the
courtyard to another, so as to see the
)rocession twice, I was most impressed
always apart from the elephants) with
he Imperial Cadets, a new volunteer
corps of young Native Princes, brilliant
n their blue turbans and white uniforms
mbroidered with gold ; the hairy
Baluchis (depicted by the Other
r'ilgrim) ; the smart mounting of the
3ombay Bodyguard ; and the Native
uniforms of the English officers of the
Llth Bengal Lancers. The troops lining
;he roads had had enough of the heat,
and dismissed themselves as soon as the
procession had gone by ; and the drive
back to camp possessed some of the
dements of a return from the Derby in
t dry summer, but with three extra
inches of dust.
My lost luggage has been reappearin
at arbitrary intervals ; but, in a Ian
abounding with natural trunks, I ai
still parted from the one that holds my
frock-coat, the necessary garment oJ
undecorated civilians at to-morrow
Durbar. An amiable A.D.C. has under-
taken to make good this defect.
Yesterday, under the escort of a
young gunner who knows his Delhi, 1
shopped at the jeweller's, the em-
AN INDIAN SCARECROW.
Seen from the Train.
)roiderer's, and the ivory-carver's,
winning respect everywhere by my
efusal to buy anything on a first visit.
As I write, the Other Pilgrim is closeted
)ehind the arras with the vendors of
ubies from the Chadna Chowk Bazaar,
he richest street in the world. In tones
f depreciation he urges the worthless-
ness of their wares ; they protest in
ourteous but very firm phrases, and he
frill presently emerge a ruined man.
New Year's Day. The Durbar is
over ; and it would have been an un-
nitigated success if it had not made us
,wo hours late for luncheon. This is
Vlail Day, and I will ask leave to defer
ny observations on the Great Event till
next week. Meanwhile, the new moon,
only a day older than the year, lies on
ier back in her curving cradle over the
dull red glow of the West, that loses
tself in the mists of evening and the
wood-fire smoke hanging low above the
camp. 0. S.
INDISPOSITIONS.
[" For a wager a man essayed to eat a
rabbit-skin as well as drink a quart of gin and
another of petroleum last week at St. Leonard,
near Liege, Belgium. He is now seriously ill."
Daily Mail]
SINCE this case of melancholy interest
was reported, several others have come
to light from different quarters, and
have been at once Marconigraphed to
the Daily Screecher by its enterprising
Special Correspondents.
1. A singular incident has taken
place at Delhi since the Durbar. In
order to win a wager, a man essayed to
eat the skin of the elephant on which
Lord and Lady CURZON rode on the
great day, as well as drink a quart of
bhang and the same quantity of prussic
acid. After making the essay the man
became slightly indisposed.
2. As the result of a recent friendly
interchange of visits a Mr. BRIT. TAX-
PAER was induced to swallow a German
ironclad, with concentrated essence of
British warship in Venezuelan waters.
It is conjectured that the mixture proved
deleterious, for since taking it Mr. BRIT.
TAXPAER has been greatly out of sorts.
3. It is rumoured in London that
certain prominent citizen has been
forced to swallow an Appeal-to-the-
generosity-of-the-Britisb-Public, together
with six of the bacilli-haunted bricks o:
St. Bartholomew's Hospital. It is allegec
that this has not agreed with him.
4. Owing, it is thought, to an over
sight, to which, however, his somiiolen 1
habits largely contributed, a Mr. J
BULL has taken a Mixed Body of Aliens
together with several quarts of absinth
and the same quantity of Italian ice
cream. It is probable that his systen
will have to undergo serious treatment
JANUARY 28, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
63
CHARIVARIA.
LAST week there was no Austrian
'niperial scandal.
Baron SPECK VON STERNBURG, the new
ionium Ambassador at Washington,
iaa made his first attempt to ingratiate
limsolf there. He has declared he is
il'ii-ii told he is as much of an American
is tin- average American, as ho was
born in England, his mother was Scotch,
iis wife comes from Kentucky, his
father was a German, and he is going
to keep an Irish servant.
It has been proposed that, as a com-
pensation for the hardship of having
their names on the Black List, confirmed
nebriates shall be allowed to place the
initials B.L. after their names.
Mr. TILLMAN, Lieutenant-Governor of
South Carolina, has shot a newspaper
editor. It is thought he will be repri-
manded.
A printer's error, which caused it to
be stated in a newspaper that the South
African Shipping Ring had " lowered
its rates for frights to and from the
Cape," has led several South African
millionaires to write and say they are
every bit as good-looking as the average
journalist.
We doubt if there is anyone livinj
who possesses the traditional Britisl
phlegm in the same degree as Mr.
CHAMBERLAIN. He even betrayed no
emotion on learning he had been
assassinated. Imagine a Frenchman in
similar circumstances.
The War Office has sanctioned the
issue of medals for an Expedition that
took place ten years ago. The War
Office still refuses to see the necessity
for presenting medals to the nearest
relatives of those persons entitled to
them who are no longer living.
The outlook in America is less black
than it was. President ROOSEVELT has
decided to go gently in his policy oi
appointing negroes to official posts
Ihe latest appointee is stated to be a
Mulatto of a light yellow shade.
At the same time, a Southern news-
paper reports that the name of the
White House is to be changed to the
Black House.
As the recent cold weather was caus-
ing much distress it was decided to pu
an end to it by making arrangements
for holding the Skating Championship
of Great Britain.
AN ECHO FROM BROADWAY.
Old Lady. " YES MADAM 'AS BIS A DEAR GOOD SOUL TO us Pooa PEOPLE THIS COLD
WEATHER. IF IT 'ADN'T 'ATE BIN FOR 'EH, SOME OF us OLD ONES WOULD 'AVE BIN NIPPED IN THE
BUD ! "
TEE COMMON OR GARDEN
MICROBE.
[" It is becoming generally recognised that
plants as well as animals are the victims of
bacterial diseases." Science Note* in Daily
Paper.]
LITTLE blossom, is it so ?
In my garden as you grow ;
Where with waterpot I tend you,
And from nipping frosts defend you,
In your buds do microbes lurk,
Doing there their deadly work V
Do the roses, white and red,
Pine upon a sad sick' bed,
Stricken by the dread bacilli ?
Must yon tall and stately lily,
'Scaping scath of loathly worms,
Fall to pathogenic germs ?
Ah ! grim Science, that can spy
The bacteria that lie
In our bread, our cheese, our kisses,
With an aim that never misses,
From your threats of dire disease"
Spare our gardens, if you please.
64
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 28, 1903.
Auulir. "You KNOW YOU OUGHT NOT TO BE PLAYING SHOPS ON SUNDAY."
Marjorie. "Bur, you SEE, AUNTIE DEAR, WE WERE JUST I'RVTEXMXG IT'S
M. DE BLOWITZ.
BORN: DECEMBEH 28, 1832. DIED: JANUARY 18, 1903.
THE Tenth Muse weeps ; all England is forlorn,
Her breakfast table of a thrill bereft ;
And Kings and Kaisers in communion mourn
That none to understand them now is left.
Sweet Peace descends on Ministers like rain,
And Diplomats see half their thraldom o'er,
Since Courts can keep their secrets once again.
Europe is free ; DE BLOWITZ is no more.
Yet grief and admiration are sincere
Beneath our cloak of custom-sanctioned iest
(Hard to relinquish after many a year).
A Prince of Correspondents is at rest :
Far-sighted, shrewd, \intiring, rich in zest,
A Press Ambassador without a peer.
SINCERELY [does -1/r. Punch condole with the nation for
the loss is a national one on the death of the unique Paris
correspondent of the Times, M. DE BLOWITZ. Well nigh a
dwarf in stature, he was a very giant in journalism. He
knew exactly when to speak, what to say, and when to be
silent. What M. DE BLOWITZ did not know of European
politics was not worth knowing. He died, if not actually " in
harness," at least but a few weeks after he had laid aside
his armour and hung up his shining weapon. Truly might
he have said with GOLDSMITH :
" bless'd retirement, friend of life's decline,
Retreats from care that never must be mine ! "
And so farewell, Chevalier de la plume, sans peur ct sans
reproehe! old friend of Mr. Punch. Rcquiescal.
AT THE SAVOY. In one account of the latest musical pro-
duction at, this Theatre, we read how " not a discordant
note was sounded by the audience throughout the evening."
Were they provided with musical instruments and expected
to join in occasionally ? If anyone even had introduced a
solo on the penny trumpet, of course he would have been
immediately expelled.
The Englishman's Weather Guide.
DKSPAIKIXI; weather prophets, hope again !
There still exists one firm, unshaken law :
For Fetes Botanic thunder, snow, hail, rain ;
For Skating Championships a general thaw.
AT HER MAJESTY'S. The Eternal City having belied its
title and come to an end, Mr. TREE becomes a Revivalist.
When he has divorced himself from his Merry U ires he is
to become a (Tolstoyan) " Resurrection-man."
ITXCH. OK Till'. LONDON ('11 AIMVAK'I. .1 \M'.UIY 28. 1903.
THE THREE CASKETS.
Portia
, SOUTH Antic*.
Baasanio
RIGHT Hos. J. CII-MB-HL-X.
]'..!;m i/o Kuuino). "I PRAY YOC, TARRY; PAUSE A DAY OR TWO,
HKKOHF. Y<>r 1IAXAKI); FOR, IN CHOOSIXti WROXC,
I LOSE YOUR COill'AXY." Mcr.-ha,,! ,,f Vtmtt, Act III., Scene 2.
" .
JANUARY 28, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
C7
HOW IT AROSE.
IT was bruited about everywhere that AUGUSTUS BROWN
had made a most unhappy marriage, and that conse-
quently misery was in store for him. So everybody sighed,
" Poor BROWN ! " Yet Gus BROWS and his bride were as
happy as the day was long, or short, it mattered not which.
C> O 6 O
How was this false rumour of BROWN'S misery started ?
Very simply.
Mrs. RimiNsov, a most hospitable and very impulsive lady,
delights in giving verbal invitations at short notice. Seeing
BROWN walking along Piccadilly, on Monday, Mrs. ROBIN- >N
stopped her carriage, and suddenly startled him out of a
reverie by cheerily asking him to dine with her on Wednes-
day.
"Awfully sorry," replied BROWN, apparently rather taken
aback, and" unusually nervous, " but the er fact is I 'm
unhappily engaged and er
" Thought I should have caught you," interrupted Mrs. R.,
who had no time to waste on explanations. " Ta ! ta ! " and
ordered her coachman to drive on.
She had not proceeded far, when it suddenly struck her
that BROWN had not appeared to be quite himself, that he
seemed depressed, and, somehow, that his manner altogether
had implied much more than he had said when telling
her he was "unfortunately engaged." Then she began
wondering to herself whether he had wished to confide some
sad story to her, and if so, she greatly regretted having left
him in so hurried and unsympathetic a fashion. This
was on the Monday. As there were many other matters to
occupy the active hostess, she thought nothing more about
BROWN, until Wednesday, the morning of her dinner party,
when she read an account of AUGUSTUS BROWN'S marriage on
the Tuesday !
Then she recalled his flurried and worried look, and the
full meaning of his words flashed across her. "Ah! I
understand ! He told me himself he was ' unhappily en-
gaged ! ' Poor fellow ! and now lie is miserably married !
Dear ! Dear ! "
And that evening there was quite a new and all-engrossing
topic of conversation for Mrs. ROBINSON and her guests.
iii iS 6
But when the happy honeymoon was over, the first guest
invited was Mrs. ROBINSON. And after that there was an
end of the story.
MY BIRTHDAY.
GOLD tinsel, red frillings, a casket most fair,
Decorated with blue paper roses ;
Close lying within, packed with tenderest care,
My present from WINNIE reposes.
I gloat o'er the box with a lover's delight,
As before me it lies on the table ;
When, gummed on a corner, there looms on my sight,
Half hidden, a small paper label.
"Exquisites, Habana," is branded above,
But plainly this states Ah ! my WINNIE,
I sink 'neath the blow thou hast dealt, O my love,
" One hundred cigars, half a guinea."
.SOME noon IN IT AFTER ALL ! After the dense London fog,
with sudden sleet and frost combined, when the streets were
hopelessly slippery, Mr. BOOZER was at last able to supply
his excellent wife with a perfectly satisfactory (" perf'ly
shashfakry " he called it) excuse for being unable to mount
the second front-doorstep, and remaining where lie had fallen
when the policeman found him and rang the bell.
LANDSCAPE GARDENING.
Mr. Intr'im T). Scoop. " WKI.I. NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL REAL ART!"
LITTLE MISS MERCURY.
LITTLE Miss MERCURY, nimble and merry,
Lives in a house made of glass.
She is a lively young person, but very
Fickle and flirting, alas !
Suitors has she
Of every degree,
Some of them quite at the top of the tree.
Seldom can one of them get her to stay
Faithful and constant for more than a day.
Little Miss MERCURY, gaily coquetting,
Most of the summer-time spends
High in Society, nearly forgetting
Lowlier FAHRENHEIT friends.
Then, if you please,
She by degrees
Sinka to a point where all compliments freeze.
Though at the first she's a welcome that 's cold,
Soon she will settle down, just as of old.
Little Miss MERCURY, folks without money
Find you a bit of a curse.
When you go down in the world, it seems funny
Other things do the reverse.
Fuel and beef,
These are the chief,
Now they go up, but it 's quite my belief,
If you were moderate all the year through,
Prices perhaps would be moderate too.
Little Miss MERCURY, I have at present
Other complaints of my own.
East is the wind, and it 's very unpleasant ;
Blue is the nose that is blown.
.This is my plea,
Listen to me,
Though my request a bit snobbish may be.
" All of your humble acquaintances drop,
Stick to your friends rather nearer the top ! "
68
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
[JANUARY 28, 1903.
MORE CONFESSIONS OF A WIFE.
II.
DAN lias not been home either night
that the cold mutton did duty for
dinner. He is very Greek god-like, in
these matters.
Last night he smelt game cooking at
the CURTICE'S and dropped in there
promiscuously, ten minutes before their
dinner hour. They had to ask him to
stay.
Here, in my own room, I see, every-
where, the careless, precious signs of
him his muddy boots upon my toilet
table his coat lightly tossed over my
mirror, his cigar ends dropped about
the carpet for me to pick up. So, upon
my heart, he flings the traces of his
presence. I rather wish he wouldn't.
DAN has gone away. It is three
weeks since I heard from him. It is
six weeks more before I know where he
is, and then He has gone to Monte
Video.
Hooray !
Then another letter comes. He says
Monte Video would not agree with me.
I have heard this yarn before from
absent husbands. He declares the
whole country is a malaria microbe, and
encloses a draft for fourteen and six-
pence.
Unsent.
DAN ! DAN ! come back to me or
else, for goodness sake, send more
money, so that I can get some new
dresses and a hat or two. I don't mind
which you do but let it be one or the
other.
One day when I was opening the
front door unexpectedly, Dr. ROBERT
FOOZLETON fell in. Rising from the mat,
he said :
" I have a letter from your husband.
He has been ill and has gone for a sea
voyage."
Then I re-started writing those inter-
minable and semi-erotic letters to DAN.
I wrote on an average twenty-eight a
day. The Doctor took my husband's
letter to the window. I looked and
wondered why I had ever thought him
too short. I am sure he is fully five
feet high.
"You stand between me and despair,"
I said.
" Pardon me. I stand between you
and the window," he replied.
Of course it was true. All that
ROBERT FOOZLETON ever says is true
except that which is manifestly inaccu-
rate.
" FOOZLE," I said, "what shall I
do?"
And he replied, " Give me time."
At that moment I would have given
him six months. Oh, why was I not
born a police magistrate ?
MY DEAR DAN, I try to write, but my
pen is dumb and I have not a "J " nib.
What would you have me say? What-
ever it is, say it yourself, and then we
shall both be satisfied. If you would
break the tie between us break on,
Sweet Angelus ! Trust me, DAN with
a little more money than you have been
remitting lately. Let us help each
other, and above all, let us help our-
selves. You, at least, were never back-
ward at doing that, dear. It was ever
ill to leave you alone with the leg of
mutton. YOUR Win:.
And JOB barked loudly as Dr. ROIIF.KT
Foozr.ETON crawled out from under the
dining-room table. He always seems to
be upon the premises somewhere, this
invaluable man. I, the Wilderness
Girl, laughed.
He said severely, " ELLA, your conduct
is rather unbecoming. If you wish to
work off your superfluous pleasantry,
ring up the Telephone Exchange clerk
and tell him he is a monumental ass."
I threw the sofa-cushion at him and
left the room.
I cannot sleep. I am thinking of
the evening when FOOZLE asked me to
be his wife. We were playing ping-
pong in the drawing-room, and I was
wearing a rose-pink and purple-striped
dress with piebald trimmings. I told
him, "No, that he was too short."
He left with quite a relieved look
upon his face.
It snowed fitfully. I sat watching
JOB trying to choke himself with a
chicken bone. It was most amusing
except, perhaps, for JOB, and even he
didn't seem to have a dull moment.
And just then some one knocked at the
front door.
I went down, and there was DAN.
DAN, looking considerably the worse for
wear.
" I was a darn fool (sic) to leave
you," he remarked.
"Try a split soda," I said encou-
ragingly. And he came in and drank
greedily out of a bucket. Then he
went to bed. He was a very sick man.
ROBERT FOOZLETON, the ever-on-hand,
emerged from the coal-cellar. Anxiously
he examined his patient : then he turned
away and sighed.
"FoozLE," I said imperiously, for I
was once more the Wilderness Girl,
" what ails him ? What is it ? "
He quietly observed that DAN held a
greater quantity of morphine to the
square foot than any man he had ever
yet attended.
Two weeks later DAN was completely
cured, and began singing that eternal
"Bedouin's Lore Song" again.
I regretted this. I mentally resolved
to counter him by writing yet more of
those dreary epistles of mine, which had
always had such a damping effect on
his spirits.
FOOZLE and I listened to the
"Bedouin." And after DAN had sung
it over about thirty-five times ROBERT
said :
" Go to him. I will wait till he has
ceased singing." (Crafty FOOZLE!)
" When you see him, you w'ill find him
a new man."
"I wish I could find him a new
song," I retorted.
FOOZLE laughed. He could afford to
laugh, as he was stopping outside.
FIRST QUARTER.
(From " Young Moore's Almanack
(,>] 1903.")
YOUNG MOORE presents his compli-
ments to his readers, and without
further preface except to say that it is
no use predicting what has happened
in January, proceeds to prophesy with
the utmost confidence what may be
expected in
FEBRUARY.
News from New York may reach us
of a slump in something, and somebody
may possibly be ruined. A most
amusing breach of promise case will
come on about now, and YOUNG MOORE
is pleased to say that all the details
will be published. The prophet would
not be in the least surprised if we were
to hear something about trouble in the
Balkans this month. The weather will
consist of samples. Several persons will
sufferfrom a great blow. Much depression.
MARCH.
Towards the middle of this month a
train on " the 2d. Tube " will suddenly
stop at the Bank Station. With admir-
able presence of mind, however, all the
passengers will get out, and most of
them will be conveyed by the lifts to
the surface. In this month no hare should
be out without the keeper. On the 25th
many changes may be expected, and
considerable restlessness will be ex-
hibited in various parts of the Empire,
coupled with remarkable activity.
Varied weather will be the rule.
NEW FOOD SUPPLY. " A French ento-
mologist recommends insects as an
article of food. . . . We quote the
French entomologist's recipe. It is as
follows : ' Pound your cockroaches in a
mortar, put in a sieve, and pour on
toiling water or beef stock. 1 ' Daily
Telegraph, Jan. '22. And Mr. Punch
would like to add the further stage
direction "Then exit quickly."
ODD. " Not to let your right hand
know what your left hand gives "
applies, strictly speaking, to alms.
. JANUARY 28, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
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70
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 28, 1903.
HIGHWAYS AND BYWAYS.
XVI. "THE WHOLE TRUTH."
A SQUALID street of dingy, straggling
bouses, each fronted by a row of
stunted palings inclosing an oblong
asplialte plot, for tlie existence of which
I can find no reason, aesthetic or utili-
tarian, save, perhaps, that a number of
dirty infants can make themselves still
dirtier by lying on it. In the doorway
of each tenement stands a bareheaded
woman of careless coiffure, who has in
each case rolled up her sleeves in order
to maintain a desultory conversation
with the lady next door. For the rest,
a dozen or so of knowing-looking cats
prowl suspiciously about at various
altitudes.
At the far end of the street a crowd
of loungers, plentifully interspersed with
policemen, has gathered outside a
massive building of dirty granite. I
make my way towards it, and find the
centre of interest to be a stout police-
man who, standing at the top of the
steps leading into the building, is
reading from a blue paper a list of
names, and ticking them off with a fat
pencil as their owners, an unsavoury
crew, answer to them from various
points in the crowd, and mount the
steps to the entrance. I inquire of a
policeman what is going on.
"Answering to bail," he replies,
laconically, and I become aware that I
am outside the Police Court. It is
noticeable that the crowd regard the
whole affair as a form of light and
amusing entertainment.
"VICTORIA STOTT!" calls the stout
policeman, and a bedraggled woman in
limp ostrich feathers makes her way
towards the steps.
" 0-uh g-urls ! " cry the crowd in
high good humour, and a man in his
shirt-sleeves expresses a wish to be
chased and tickled.
" Less o' the noise there," observes the
stout policeman. " Come along, ducky,
comealong. DOUGLAS ALEXANDER TUBES!"
A roar of laughter goes up from the
crowd, and all eyes are turned iipon a
little white-bearded man in a battered
top-hat on the other side of the road.
Mr. TUBES seems to be somewhat of a
celebrity, and obviously knows it, for he
waits for the noise to subside, then
cocks his hat over one eye, observes
"That's me!" and executes a some-
what intricate step-dance across the
road and up the stairs.
" That 's enough of it," observes the
stout policeman, tolerantly rapping Mr
TUBES on the back of the head with the
fat pencil. " GEORGE SPINKS ! Come on
there, can't wait all night for yer
That '11 do. no lip. ELIZABETH SHAND !
come along, you beauty ! "
Soon the list is finished, and the
prisoners have all disappeared within.
The stout policeman folds up his list,
replaces it with the pencil in the breast
of his tunic, and looks down on the
crowd jocosely.
"And a nice lot they are too!" he
observes ; then withdraws within the
Building.
After some silent contemplation of the
xterior, I ascend the steps and enter a
jlank little vestibule. Standing by a
small shuttered window like that of a
station booking-office, I find the stout
policeman in familiar converse with an
excessively jocund grey-haired female
n a plaid shawl. The lady, in sheer
exuberance of spirits, has just adminis-
tered a nudge to the softest part of his
;unic, accompanying it by the intimation
:hat he is a giddy young kipper. I
nquire of the policeman whether there
any room inside.
" You 're not a witness or anything ? "
queries.
I assure him that on this occasion at
east I am neither a witness, nor (I am
pleased to say) "anything."
"Just want to see what 's going on,
Sir ? " he assents with indulgence, then
leans towards me confidentially. "You
leave it to me, Sir, an' I '11 try an' get
you in. You just wait a minute. I '11
do my best to manage it for you."
He brushes out of the way the
jocund female, engaged in a squatting
position in looking through the keyhole
into the Court, and taps mysteriously
at the shuttered window. Nothing
happens.
" I '11 manage it for you all right,
Sir," he says protectively; "you just
stay close to me. That '11 do, POLLY."
The jocund female is pulling him by
the skirts of his tunic.
"When '11 they want me, DICKIE?"
she inquires.
" They won't want you at all, I should
think," returns the policeman jocosely.
You 're a nice sorter witness you
are."
" Go hon ! " cries the jocund female,
digging him in the ribs in sheer delight
" What d' yer think of 'im, young man
ain't 'e a 'andsome figger of a man ?
'Ave I got time fer a drink, DICKIE ? '"
At this moment there is a shuffling
noise inside the Court.
"Now then, Sir," whispers the
policeman Imrriedly, opening the door :
" just squeeze in after me. That's it
I thought I 'd manage it for you."
I really do not know what it is that
he has managed for me, beyond opening
the door and allowing me to pass into
the public part of the Court, where
number of onlookers in various stages
of dirt are already gathered. Being
weak, however, I give him sixpence
and he retires on tip-toe with a vas
deal of noise, confidently assured, I
suppose, of my perfect idiocy.
A constable with a black eye is in
,he box giving evidence of the assault
committed upon him by the muscular
ady in the dock, on his arresting her
'or maliciously wounding the prosecutor
with a beer-glass.
The prosecutor next enters the box
with a bandaged head, and gives a clear
iccount of the affair, which is corro-
jorated by four more witnesses, the
only person who is not absolutely
.greed as to the facts being the
jrisoner, who, while admitting that she
was drunk, emphatically denies that
ihe was incapable (which, needless to
say, no one has suggested), and hints
at perjury from the constable and the
Drosecutor with regard to the black eye
md the beer-glass, both assaults having
seen committed by accomplices of their
own while she was saying that she was
innocent and would go quietly. Further-
more she has a husband and five
children, is unaccountable for her
actions when drunk indeed she never
remembers anything afterwards, and
topes the magistrate will deal leniently
with her. Moreover, the prosecutor is
a dirty 'ahnd, and only got what he
deserved.
"Have you any witness to call?"
inquires the magistrate.
The policeman by the dock repeats the
magistrate's question with a nudge, and
the prisoner suggests " POLLERBUNCE."
" Who? " demands the magistrate.
The prisoner repeats " POLLERBUNCE,"
and the policeman interprets to the
magistrate as " POLLY BUTTONS."
" POLLY BUTTONS, then," says the
magistrate wearily, with a sideways
movement of the head.
" POLLY BUTTONS," says the usher, in
a loud voice.
" POLLY BUTTONS ! " shouts the police-
man by the door, and the mystic word,
passing from mouth to mouth, rever-
berates through the passages and is
heard faintly outside in the street.
After a pause the phrase "Hurry up
there! " is heard in the street, then in
the passage and then at the door, and
a grey-haired matron in a shawl enters
the Court and takes her place in the
box. I recognise her at once as the
jocund female whom I have already
seen in the vestibule. But the jocund
expression has vanished, and she turns
to the magistrate a sad, worn face, with
a suggestion in it of honest toil and
years of trouble.
" It was abaht a quarter past eleven,
yer worship," she begins immediately,
"I went aht to get a bit o' fish fer
supper
"The book," interrupts the usher.
The witness kisses the book per-
functorily and begins again.
JANUAUY 28, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
" It was abalit a quarter past cloven
"What is your name?" repeats the
clerk in a louder voice.
"MARY PKAKCK," returns the witness.
"It was aKaht
" Wlui," here inquires the magistrate,
"is Poi,i.Y-er-l!i THINS '; "
|)i-nirsive etymology I'nim the witness
with regard 1" I'OI.I.Y, \\ith anecdotal
disquisition on the origin of BUTTONS.
Sin- is cut short, and returns once more
in the fish-expedition, where she shows
a disposition to discuss the relative
merits of haddocks and kippers, and is
at once whisked through space by the
unsympathetic clerk to the first meeting
with the prisoner. Yes, she saw VILIT
at 'alf past eleven. Yes, the prisoner is
VILIT, an' a steadier, soberer, 'arder-
workin' she knows it was 'alf past
eleven because she saw the clock at the
Crown through the winder. Through
the winder only, because she 'd only
been out to get a bit o' fish and Yes,
she saw the prisoner speaking to TED
'ARGHEAVES outside the Crown. Yes,
the prosecutor. 'E was molestin' of 'er.
Somethink crool.
" How did he molest her? " inquires
the magistrate.
" Askin' of 'er t'ave a drink," returns
the witness. "She sez, 'No, Mr.
'ARGREAVES,' she sez, 'I don't drink an'
I won't drink.' An' she don't neither.
A steadier, soberer
The clerk, more unsympathetic than
ever, presses the magistrate's question.
" She sez to "im," continues the
witness, " Xo, Mr. 'ARGREAVES,' she
sez, ' I don't drink an' I
"How did the prosecutor molest
her ? " breaks in the magistrate harshly.
The witness ponders.
"Caught 'old of the sleeve of 'er
Itody," she replies cheerfully, "the
same body what 's on 'er now. There
it is. The very body 'e caught 'old of."
The witness seems elated at the con-
clusiveness of this proof. The clerk
a-k 4 il she saw the prisoner throw the
glass at the prosecutor.
" She never threw no glass," declares
the witness ; " she dropped the glass out
of 'er 'and like, an' V slipped an' fell
on it an' cut 'is head. She sez to
'im
" I think the witness can step down
now," remarks the magistrate. The
witness seems reluctant to leave the
box.
"I shouldn't never 'are seen it, yer
worship," she exclaims, "onlyl 'appened
ter go aht fer a bit o' fish fer supper
Here, still loudly addressing the Court,
she is hustled out of the box by the
attendant policeman. The magistrate
turns to the prisoner.
"A particularly brutal assault," he
observes. " Four months' hard labour."
SCENE Depths of a Jt'y Woodland.
Huntsman. "Now THES, WHAT'S ALI, THIS ABOUT? WHAT ABE Yon t-p TO?"
Keeper's Underling (in tears'). " PLEASC, Sin, IT 's THE LfNNON Fox, AND I CAN'T GET THE
LID OFF ! IT 's SCRF.WED ! "
The muscular lady looks round the
Court with amusement.
"Four months without a drink!"
she exclaims. " Oh, chase me ! "
Then, leaving the dock, she accom-
panies a constable through a door on
the left with considerable good humour.
POLLY BUTTONS, giving the plaid shawl
a hitch, leaves the Court with an un-
clouded brow, the jocund female once
more. I turn and follow. In the vesti-
bule I pass her. rallying " DICKIE" on
the subject of his figure. He salutes
me with a protective and indulgent air.
I pass out into the squalid street once
more, the voice of the late witness from
the steps behind recommending DICKIE
to have a piece let in at the back of hia
toonic.
POSTCARD POLITICS.
(To Sir M-ch-l F-st-r.)
UPOM the Parliamentary fence
You occupy pro tern., MICHAEL,
A posture that but ill befits
A leader academical.
Leave chopping to the fickle winds,
And trimming to the tar, man :
Leave measures vague or half-and-
half
To BANNEHMAX or barman.
'Twere best with Tory or with Whig
To range yourself in line :
Remains yet one alternative
In silence to resign.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 23, 1902
THE PANTOMIME REVIEW. MARCH PAST OF THE SPANGLES BRIGADE.
THE NEW SYSTEM.
[Professor SULLY accuses the BritisH B isiness
man of taking life too seriously, ai.D hints that
his methods would be all the better for a little
levity.]
"WELL," said the Bank Manager, as
he finished reading the last of the
letters which the candidate for the
vacant stool had produced, " your cre-
dentials are certainly excellent. All
that could be desired. T see that the
Editor of Screaming Shots says, ' We
have enjoyed many a hearty laugh over
jokes submitted by Mr. JOKES.' "
"Yes, Sir," said the candidate. He
modestly omitted to mention that the
Editor was not the only man who had
laughed at those jokes. SYDNEY SMITH
had won quite a reputation with them.
"And I notice," continued the Mana-
ger, " that the senior partner of your
late firm also speaks highly of your
abilities. Let me see, where is it ? Ah,
yes. ' While I cannot conscientiously
say that Mr. JONES has the commercial
instinct highly developed ' ' here the
candidate, conscious of not knowing the
difference between a ledger and a
copying-press, bowed " ' yet he pos-
sesses a sense of humour which would
make his services invaluable to any
firm. Mr. JONES knows a good joke
when he sees one.' "
The senior partner of Mr. JONES' late
firm had had two good stories, one
about missing the train from Wands-
worth Common, the other in connection
with a wonderfully smart saying of his
youngest son (aged two), and Mr. JONES
had always duly honoured them on
presentation.
"Yes," said the Manager, "your
credentials are excellent. But perhaps
you could give me a specimen of your
abilities ? 'i
" Certainly, Sir."
" Then what would you say if a
customer, having presented a cheque
for a large amount, slipped as he left
the building and dropped the money
down a grating ? ' '
"I should say that he had lost his
balance."
"You would not say that to the
customer? "
" Certainly not, Sir. I should make
the remark in a humorous undertone to
a colleague."
" Quite so, quite so. I merely asked,
because in no business is tact so essen-
tial as in banking. A customer, for
instance, tells you a story about a cat
that belonged to his Aunt JANE, and its
wonderful instinct. Your natural im-
pulse is, of course, to cap it with the
anecdote relating to your Uncle THOMAS'S
dog, which found its way from India to
Forest Hill solely by its sense of smell.
But you must stifle that impulse.
Otherwise the customer will in all
probability withdraw his account and
induce his friends to do the same. A
sense of humour, though essential to
success in a modern bank, must be
judiciously exercised. Why, only the
other day we had to get rid of a most
promising young fellow. An excellent
worker, full of the quaintest conceits.
His idea of pouring ink down the
speaking-tube when he knew the
sub-manager's mouth was at the other
end was extraordinarily happy. But he
had to go. He would insist upon
emphasising the points of his stories
by digging his hearers in the ribs. He
was a fine strapping young fellow, and
after a time customers began to com-
plain. And one day, when he was
making an epigram about cashing
cheques and checking cash, he very
nearly injured an old gentleman per-
manently. There was a good deal of
unpleasantness, and he had to go. But
may I ask why you are turning up your
coat-collar ? ' '
"I have a slight cold," explained the
candidate, " and the room is full of
drafts."
"Excellent, Mr. JONES," said the
Manager, " you may certainly consider
yourself engaged. And as regards
salary
"Yes, Sir?"
" We generally pay by the thousand
words. Would three guineas ? "
Two minutes later shouts of inex-
tinguishable laughter from the outer
office proclaimed that the new clerk had
entered upon his duties.
A Modern Adaptation.
(Attributed to the D-ke of B-df-rd.)
IF I were a cassowary
Just presented to the Zoo,
I would eat the Secretary,
And quite half the Council too.
LITERARY GOSSIP. The CZAR'S favourite
passage the passage of the Dardanelles.
FEBRUARY 4, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
73
MR. FRANKENSTEIN AND HIS EX-TEMPORE PROMETHIAN.
A TRAGICAL DIUMA. BY H. B. JABBERJEE, B.A.
Tin: FINAL (AND FINEST) Acr.
GENE 1. The exterior of an hotel at Evian
(on Lake Geneva). A magnificent Marriage
Procession enters, with musicians and sing-
ing and dancing girls. Mr. FRANKENSTEIN
and his blooming bride are carried on,
seated beneath a golden canopy. Mr. Hotel-keeper
presents his best compliments, and suspends floral
garlands round their necks. Then the company toast
the happy pair, and indulge in facetious badinages
after which they retire huzzaying with joyful hearts.
Mr. F. is left in solitude with ELIZABETH, his blushing
and beauteous rib.
Mr. F. Another year has rolled by on irreparable pinions,
and we are at last united in chains of Hymen !
Mrs. P\ (archly). Is that a reason for being in such doleful
dumps ? It is contrary to bon ton for a bridegroom to look
glum as a gib-cat !
Mr. F. (aside). Can any Benedict assume a frolicsome
demeanour when a Demon has threatened to turn up on his
bridal night and play Old Gooseberry? (Aloud) You are
mistaken, my beloved, I am not looking glum. On the
contrary, I am simpering. [He simpers laboriously.
Mrs. F. 1 am sure you are afflicted by some internal
trouble or other. You have never recovered entirely from
being accused of the butchery in Ireland of your bosom's
friend, HENRY CLERVAI.. [See book for this incident.
Mr. F. I was luckily able to prove an alibi in the Orkney
Islands at the pnvise time he was being decimated.
Mrs. F. But 1 never clearly comprehended what business
you had in said Orkney Islands ?
Mr. F. (in agonised aside). How to confess that I was
busily engaged there in the composition of a feminine
monster ! (Aloud) I was working at a large scientific job
but I tore it up in disgust. [V. original text.
Mrs. F. What a sad pity ! But some day you will go to
work on it again, my VICTOR?
Mr. F. (firmly). Not if I know it ! In future I have other
fish to fry. But see (here he points to the sunset sky), the
God of Day is already putting up his shutters. Go within,
my ELIZABETH. I have a business appointment here, which
must be conducted in the strictest privacy.
Mrs. F. I will obey the wish of my Lord and Master, and
refrain from all indiscreet curiosity.
[She enters the hotel; presently beams of candlelight are
seen illuminating an upper chamber in same.
Mr. F. (soliloquising sadly. [N.b. I shall p
if I have time turn this into correct blank versifica-
tion. H. B. J.] The hour approaches for my dialwlicul
rendezvous. The Monster promised to be with me on my
wedding night ! [This is taken from book.] He will
indubitably look me up, being so infernally irritated by my
failure to complete and deliver his demon consort, as per
contract. I could not bring myself to carry out such a
hideous nudum pactum, and so he has already vented his
annoyance by burking my best friend. Fortunately, my
ELIZABETH is snug under cover, and will be spared the heart-
rending spectacle of beholding this unlucky self popping off
in the gripe of a gigantic demoniac. (Here an appalling
shriek rends the, air of the upper apartment.) Lack-a-daisy !
I recognise the affrighted squeak of my unprotected spouse !
Probably she has encountered some member of the mouse
department. \The light is suddenly put out.
The Monster (comes out on the balcony, and' points with
his fiendish finger). Aha, my friend ! Since you have
deprived me of a placens uxor, I have just returned the
compliment with a tu quoque !
Mr. F. This is the ne plus ultra of devilish procedure !
[He extracts a pistol from hie bosom and lets it off with a
terrific report. It misses.
The Monster. Ho-ho ! You will never make a marksman !
Catch me if you can !
[He plunges from the balcony into the lake, with a resound-
ing splash, and disappears.
Mr. F. He has dived into watery regions but I am very
soon to run him to earth !
[He jumps in too. The Monster's and Mr. F.'s heads are
perceived swimming in tlie moonlighted billows as scene
changes to :
SCENE 2. THE WINDINGS OF THE RHONE [as in volume].
The Monster (enters in a violent hurry). Mr. FRANKENSTEIN
is pursuing my retreat but I will lead him the pretty dance !
[He goes off on one side, an Mr. F. enters on the other.
Mr. F. I have lost his scent ! Here comes a Rhonish ryot.
I will interrogate him. (A Ryot enters.) Have you happened
to observe any fiend of excessive magnitude and cadaverous
appearance in this vicinity ?
The Rhonish R. (obsequiously), Indeed, magnanimous Sir,
I have not noticed any person at all answering such a
description.
Mr. F. (aside). Either this Rhonish is a confirmed tara-
diddler, or else the Monster has disguised himself beyond
all human recognition. No matter, I am no pigeon-livered,
and am determined to be in at his death !
[Exit pursuing, as the scene changes to :
SCENE 3. THE BLUE MEDITERRANEAN, WITH A LARGE VESSEL
ANCHORED IN THE CORNER.
[If Mr. Scenic Painter will only take moderate pains, this
sliould prove a splendidly handsome scene.]
The Monster (entering as before). I am beginning to lose
my breeze, and Mr. FRANKENSTEIN is still engaged in his wild-
goose-chase. Que faire? Ah! I will conceal myself in the
basement of yonder bark !
[He slips on board. Mr. F. enters the moment afterwards.
Mr. F. Again he has slipped under some bushel ! It is
Lombard Street to a Chinese orange that he is on board
yonder vessel !
[The Captain appears on the poop, ringing a large bell.
Captain. Now then! All on board for the Black Sea!
I cannot afford to lose the tide.
Mr. F. One moment, Mr. Captain ! How much is a passage
ticket to the Black Sea ?
Captain. For a first-class saloon passenger, it is rs. 50,
refreshments included. There is still one bed vacant.
VOL. CIXJV.
74
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 4, 1903.
Mr. F. I will book it ! (Going on board). This time the
Demon will be compelled to grant me an interview !
\Tlie ship sails sloidy aicay as the Scene is altered to
SCENE 4. A DESERT LOCALITY IN TARTARY AND RUSSIA.
(V. Book for Geography. ,)
Monster (entering). The voyage is concluded, and I have
managed to do a guy clandestinely. As Mr. FRANKENSTEIN
was the first-class, saloon passenger and myself a mere
stowaway in steerage regions, we were as distant as a couple
of Poles. But he is again at my heels, though becoming
blown by persistent efforts and want of proper nourishment.
Poor chap ! I feel compassion for him ! Here is a deceased
hare. I will leave it for him with a polite message. It
may soften his heart towards this unfortunate self.
[fie writes a note and affixes it to a trunk with the hare, as
in original story then exits hastily.
Mr. F. (enters). I am on the Monster's tracks ; but, hey-
day ! the Wilds of Tartary are on mine !
[Enter the Wilds of Tartary with ferocious war cries. Mr. F.
shoots a few of them with his pistol; the rest fly, ex-
claiming " Sauve qui pent! He is firing crackshots ! "
Mr. F. At last I am alone ! (here he perceives the trunk, &c.\
What have we here ? A deceased hare and a note ! (Re
reads aloud) " You will find here a deceased hare. Eat it
and be refreshed ; for many hard, miserable hours must yon
endure till the period of our rejoinder. (Signed) MONSTER."
(Condensed from original missive in Mrs. S.'s story.}
Timco Danaos ct dona ferentes ! But a starving individual
cannot reject a present of game even from a fiend.
[He sits doicn, and cooks the hare as the Scene changes
to
But I find I Lave so many 'even more sensational scenes
before the grand wind-up that I cannot squeeze them into
the very very mediocre space allotted to me by Honble
Editor's caprice, so I must reluctantly postpone same to
another instalment.
I have written the above on board P. and 0. in intervals
of nausea, and shall post it immediately after reaching
terra firma. I am in lively hopes of being besieged on
arrival by applications from first-class managers to produce
my drama (when completed) on the boards of some tip-top
temple of Thespis ; but not being an au fait in knowledge
of London theatrical affairs, I shall make careful inquiries
before sealing any bond, lest like IlonUe Charles Surface
in GOLDSMITH'S School for Scandal I sell valuable family
portraits to MOSES the Jew for a gross of shagreen spectacles.
I am not a weasel to be captured while snoozing !
H. B. J.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
IN the Magazine of Art (CASSELL & Co.) for February,
among the many articles that, under the able editorship of
Mr. SPIELMANN, attract various readers, there is one entitled
" CHARLES DICKENS as a lover of Art and Artists " (No. II.),
written by Mrs. PEISCGINI (KATE DICKENS), that will interest
all. Mrs. PERUGIKI, alluding to seme absurd statements
as to her father's curious taste in dress, denies that he ever
affected any costume that could possibly be considered
eccentric or ridiculous. That he was fond of bright colour
she admits, and the Baron remembers very distinctly having
seen CHARLES DICKENS in the stalls of the Lyceum Theatre,
attired in his ordinary day suit, with a bright red tie.
The youthful Baron was fascinated, and his gaze was not
distracted by the play away from the red tie and its wearer.
When CHARLES DICKENS, inseparable from his tie, suddenly
quitted the stalls, it was to his entranced admirer as though
life and light had been extinguished.
Mrs. AYLMER Go WING, your Occasional Assistant Reader
says, hath written a book which deals with scenes by
Thames and Tiber (JOHN LONG), and would have been very
good indeed if the author had confined her puppets within
the limits of the Thames Valley. The moment, however,
they settle themselves in Rome, and take a supernatural
excursion into the far-away past, and form the acquaintance
of NERO, OCTAVIA, AGRIPPINA, ST. PAUL, and an early Christian
maiden of the WILSONI-BARRETTI type, their struggles to set
things right at the Imperial Court, and to rescue the said
maiden from the clutches of NERO and Company, prove
altogether too much for them, and they collapse dismally.
It requires something more than mere talent to revive the
classical past. Still your 0. A. R. is sufficiently interested
to inquire " What this lady is GOWING to do next ? "
Your Occasional Assistant Reader also regrets that he
cannot encourage you to spend much of your leisure over
An Unwise Virgin, by Mrs. COULSON KERNAHAN (JOHN LONG),
enamoured of a medical gentleman named Maxime, who is
afflicted with uncontrollable passions. When the unwise
fair one came to bid him what she thought was a last adieu,
he turned the key upon her, and
"'I am glad. I am glad. You are in my arms,' he cried, with a
burst of uncontrollable weeping. Yos, he wept like a woman. Those
tears raining on her face roused her, and she looked at him. That look
sufficed. It was love ! love ! and lie knew it."
Very soon afterwards this excitable medical practitioner
marries "the unwise virgin," who, let us hope, makes him
a wise wife.
In no particular does the fourth number of The Ancestor
for this quarter (ARCHIBALD CONSTABLE & Co.) lag behind its
predecessors. The letter-press is clear, the illustrations are
well reproduced, the articles are of most varied interest, and
the style of their treatment by the different writers is, in
every case, so attractive, that the study of the driest of
subjects becomes most delightful reading. The article
on "What is Believed" contains much amusing information.
The anonymous writer of these notes in TJie Ancestor says
that " the most famous Englishman in history "is, "to his own
mind " who? why, " GUY FAAYKES ! " Good old GUY was
"English of the Englishj" .and, disagreeing with the
Government of his day, he -merely meant to give the King
and Parliament " a good blowing up," just to bring them to
their senses. Clearly a plain, honest, outspoken, thorough-
going Englishman was County GUY FAWKES. The Baron
hopes to read more in this vein from the same pen.
The Baron wishes to disclaim any relationship witli " The
Baron," in "A Love Story," so delightfully told in Mac-
millan's Mn</ii:;:ne for February. " BARON VON B." is not
" BARON de B.," with an emphasis on the " dc." Yet the
Barons in Franco and Germany arc for all time, or else how
could the truth of the prophetic proverb be proved, which,
as given by the Austrian Baron, says, " Von ders vill nevaire
cease V" BARON HE BOOK-
Now and Then.
THE Newly Elected says, " Great thing, as a Professional
man, to belong to the Particular Club ; you see, there you
meet everybody."
Opinion of the same after a few years' membership, " I
don't go much to the Particular Club now ; you see, you
meet everybody."
QUITE AN EQUIVALENT. The always tuneful and, at one
time, most popular comic opera, Les Cloches de Corneville,
has been transformed into a ballet. Les Cloches are to be
represented ly the Belles of the Alhambra.
PI'XCH, OR THK LONDON CII.MMY AIM. rFtXKCAK! 4, 1!)f.
i '
ARS (BRITANNICA) LONGA.
/'((/('.>- 7/ote! Jes Invalides, 1840. London St. Paul's, Nineteen hundred and ?
SHADE OF F.-il. TIIK l)i KK OF WELLINGTON-. "BEGAD, SIR, HERE'S NEWS! THEY'RE GOING TO
FINISH MY .MEMORIAL IN ST. PAUL'S!" SHADE OF NAPOLEON-. "DEJA?"
FEBBUAKY 4, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
77
PILGRIMS TO THE EAST.
VI. THE Di:na\R AKD AnKn.
January 8: V/wo.i/'s Camp, Delhi.
The little moon that emerged on the
eve of the Durbar was not the simple
thing it looked to be. I had always
supposed that the appearance of these
heavenly bodies was determined a cen-
tury or so in advance by the almanacks.
Yet the sight, of this new moon seems
to have come as a surprise certainly it
modified the arrangements for tile least
of Ramadan and in some obscure way
necessitated the postponement of the
Durbar by the space of half an hour.
Personally I am ill-versed in local
creeds, and should myself have thought
that a. distinct engagement like the
Durbar should not have been affected
by anything short of an eclipse. 1 have
no further criticism to offer on the pro-
ceedings, except that I think that some
few score of the salutes might have
been taken as tired, or else let off at
such a distance as not to delay the
action of this imposing drama. For
the rest I cannot conceive a more
admirably ordered spectacle.
The scene in the vast verandahed
amphitheatre, opening out across the
plain upon a vista of long avenues of
foot and horse, British and native, was
one to paralyse the pen. Among the
happiest effects were the movements of
the herald's trumpeters (who blew up
STANFORD'S delightful fanfare) ; the
crackle of the feu de joie that raced
along the boundary line and back ; and
the sweep of the pennoned lances of
the 4th Dragoon Guards, as they swung
into line behind the infantry. The
bla/.ing scarlet of our officers' uniforms
paled before the gorgeous velvets and
silks and brocades of toe Native Princes.
'
The Nizam of Hyderabad and other notabilities playing " The Heavy Lead " in the
Grand Spectacle entitled " The Delhi Durbar."
The latest thing in Decoration
Candelabra Elephantina.
The boy Maharajah of PATIALA, looking
leas than his thirteen years, and wearing
pearls to ransom a family of Kings on
his little chest, stirred the emotions of
the ladies ; while many a manly heart
beat faster below its fighting medals at
the spectacle of the veiled Begam of
BHOPAL prostrate before the throne
until it was understood that the two
stalwarts in her train (both of them, as
I hear, too heavy for the mounts of the
Imperial Cadet Corps) were the lady's
lawful sons.
Conspicuous by the reticence of his
attire was the Nizam of HYDERABAD, first
in precedence of all the Native Princes,
and rich beyond the range of human
calculation. He and I wore a frock-coat
each. I say nothing about myself ; but
the Nizam has a yellow bodyguard, and
is a person of extraordinary importance.
He it was who arrived at Delhi Station
after sunset on the 24th of December,
and, when he found that no salutes
were to be fired on Christmas Day,
remained splendidly aloof in a siding
for some forty hours till he could get
what he wanted.
English papers will probably have
given more space to the Durbar than to
any other spectacle of the series. But
everybody here has decided that the
Review of the Native Chiefs' Retainers,
where free play was allowed to Oriental
fancy, was the best turn in a remark-
able programme. I first caught sight
of this motley army and the gUnt of its
gold, a mile away over the plain, as I
drove to the amphitheatre yesterday.
For two continuous hours it streamed
past the throne, doing homage, man and
beast, each after his kind elephants
saluting with waved trunks or lifted
fore-feet, and horses rearing on their
hind legs in the best manner of the
haute ecole. Giants from Kashmir;
dwarfs from Nabha and Patiala ; four-
in-hands of elephants, housed and
caparisoned with Oriental recklessness ;
horsemen in coat-of-mail ; lancers with
targes slung behind them ; drummers
mounted on camels ; soldier-priests from
Tind ; masked devil - mummers from
Thibet ; never was such a circus got
together in the history of India. It
was a spectacle that an IMRE KIRALFY
might see once and die of despair.
1 hope that these peoples appreciate
their own picturesqueness, yet I seemed
to detect nere and there what I may
call an Occidental rift within the lute.
This was naturally most apparent
among the native musicians, who in the
midst of this barbaric pageant made
heroic efforts, not always crowned with
success, to render "Annie Laurie " and
' 'Do ye ken John Peel ?" I confess
that a strange nostalgia overtook me at
the sound of these hallowed airs.
Another gorgeous spectacle, and one
78
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.
[FEBRUARY 4, 1903.
in which, this time, the dominant colour
was British red, was presented at the
Investiture of the Star of India in the
Diwan-i-'Am, at Delhi Fort. I doubt if
Shah JEIIAN, of blessed memory, who
used it some two centuries and a half
ago for his Hall of Public Audience,
ever witnessed between its sandstone
pillars a scene more brilliant than this.
For the first half hour one wanted
never to leave it : then the eye grew
less alert, and though one was buoyed
up for a time with the hope that some
of the new Knight Commanders, as
they backed from the throne, might
cause a diversion by overlooking the
downward step that came at the end,
the entertainment grew tedious : and
when it had to be gone through
da capo for the Order of the Indian
Empire, many of the spectators frankly
slumbered under conditions of un-
paralleled splendour. But it was all to
be eclipsed in a few days when the
State Ball was given in the same build-
ing, and supper was served to some
3,000 guests, in relays of 400, in the
lovely marble Hall of Private Audience,
the Diwan-i-Khas, extended for the
occasion by a clever scheme that simu-
lated the ancient design. The original
Hall, lit from above with electric light,
was left unprofaned by wassail, out of
regard for the memory of the departed
Peacock Throne.
On Sunday I attended the State
Service on the Polo Ground (club-
badges not reqiu'red to be worn). The
sermon, by the Bishop of CALCUTTA, was
printed beforehand and distributed ;
and I can testify to his lordship's
admirable mastery of his own words.
The service was on so gigantic a scale
that the choir, stationed beyond roach
of the unassisted ear, had to sing
through megaphones ; and the cues for
their responses were conveyed to them
by (lag-signalling.
You will probably^ have a question
asked in the House in connection with
the State Entry. A small group of
men had disposed themselves in
portico, at a corner of the Jumma
Musjid, reserved for selected guests of
the VICEROY. Gently but firmly re-
quested by an A.D.C. to withdraw, they
informed that official, through their
spokesman, that the party embraced
certain Representatives of the British
Electorate. With difficulty concealing
the profound impression produced by
this statement, the gallant officer cour-
teously hinted that such an appeal,
commonly unanswerable, would at this
juncture avail them nothing. "England
shall ring ivlth this! " was the reply of
the outraged Member. Shortly after-
wards they retired under protest. I
give the story roughly, as I heard it
from the Aide who conducted their
removal.
On Saturday we talk (so sanguine are
our tempers) of moving on to Lucknow.
Over at least a week of our halcyon
time in camp, where every need has
been anticipated, the horrors of a
More Performers in the Comic Durbar Ballet.
A Sikh Priest in Native Review.
general exodus have cast their shadow
before. The lethargy, the parsimony,
the lack of enterprise of the Railway
Companies in India are a perpetual
reproach. The Durbar has been their
opportunity; it has called forth all their
worst qualities, as the sun brings out
the adder "and that craves wary
walking." Indeed, if the VICEROY'S
special fails us, we may yet have to do the
journey (not much more than 300 miles)
on foot. Still, at a pinch, there are
always elephants. 0. S.
TO MARK.
DEAR little lad, how well I can
Recall your face, brimful of fun,
A baby and a grown-up man
Delightfully combined in one.
A man compared to MAEGABET,
Your tiny sister, aged two,
Yet Mother bade you not forget
How brothers big looked down on you.
At table how sedate you sat,
Obeyed dear Mother, never fought her,
Yet how, just five, you chortled at
The shilling pump witli real water,
The penny squirts that Mother bought,
(' ' We boys shall use them, ' ' so you said)
The river where you always sought
For '' business boats," decked out in
red.
Dear little lad, before you grow
As big a boy as each big brother,
ome up again to see us though
Please don't forget to bring dear
Mother.
FEBRUARY 4, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
79
GOING TO THE DURBAR IN MY DONKEY CART."
Old Song altered to the Needs of Delhi.
ANTI-RATE AGITATIONS.
Basil Regis.
DEAR SIR, I have considered the
Government Bill from all standpoints,
and in conscience I cannot consent to
put my neck under the clerical yoke.
The battle has been deliberately forced
upon me it must go on to the end.
Quietly, earnestly, and even reverently,
I say that I will not pay the Education
Rate. I am but a poor unknown
citizen, but I am proud to take my
stand with MILTON", with CROMWELL, and
with LrjHER. "I cannot otherwise."
Yours sincerely, NICOLL CLEAR.
P.S. Let the tyrants do their worst
I am a lodger.
London.
DEAR Sin, The movement against
the payment of the Education Bate
has my sincerest sympathy. I can see
the honest, beloved objector's furni-
ture seized by ( iovernment hirelings.
My heart bleeds to think of these
cherished belongings exposed to the
row-ili. and careless usage of reckless
bailiffs. Ah ! they will light such a
fire in England as will not easily be
put out. Yours truly,
CARTER, PICKIOISDSON.
P.S. Furniture removed with <-<nr.
secrecy, and despatch at all hours of the
day and night.
His Majesty's Castle,
Holloway.
DEAR SIR, I gives the Government
notice that I '11 pay no more blimy rates
no, not even if they sells the plank
bed from under me. A lot of silly
jossers. Yours truly,
WILLIAM SIKES.
Cockermoulli.
DEAR SIR, I have recently discovered
to my horror that part of the funds of
our town council are raised from the
demoniac traffic. I will have nothing
to do with the drink money. I hereby
give notice that from this day I will
not light the municipal gas, nor drink
the municipal water, nor be technically
trained at the municipal school, nor be
protected from burglars by the municipal
police, nor be slaughtered at the
municipal slaughter-house.
Yours sincerely,
AV-I.FR-D LrTO-H.
'< Castle, Isle of Man.
DEAR SIR, I do not wish to advertise
myself, as certain minor novelists do,
but I must emphatically decline to pay
the Gas Rate. The dark places of the
earth are full of cruelty. I often weep
as I see the Juggernaut Car of Civilisa-
tion rolling over the poor and helpless
in their turn I see Pete, Gloria, and
Roma all crushed though Roma sur-
vives in the version so intelligently, and
may I say reverently, presented by my
friend Mr. BEERBOHM TREE. Let us have
light more light. From this day I
dedicate my intelligence and my elo-
quence to the cause of Free Gas.
Yours sincerely, H-LL C-SE.
P.S. As I do not wish for publicity
I should prefer this letter to be signed
simply with the obscure initials "H.C.,"
but if the Editor thinks that some poor
mortals might not recognise their
champion, let him place my name in full.
TERRIBLE OUTRAGE BY A PEER. AVe
read the following in the Aberdeen Free
Press for January 20, a propos of Mr.
BALFOCR'S illness :
"The uncertain character of the weather
makes it highly undesirable that he should
venture out before his convalescence is prac-
tically complete. Many callers continue to
make frequent inquiries at 10, Downing Street.
Vrstrrday Lord LLANDAFF was among the
number, pressing his throat, throwing him
to the ground."
No wonder some people clamour for
tin- " ending " of the House of Lords.
80
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 4, 1903.
THE EXPULSION OF EUCLID.
WELCOME, reformer ! whose enlightened hand
Strips off anew each day some swathing band
In bygone years by schoolmen's blindness bound ;
To-day dull Latin goes, cramp Greek is barred,
To-morrow useless grammar you discard
Out of the up-to-date scholastic round.
Then worn-out EUCLID falls before the pride
That marks the onslaught of the modern " side.
His bridge of asses valiantly it takes,
His squares it shatters, it destroys his lines,
Faith in his axioms it undermines,
Till the whole superstructure sways and quakes.
Thus shall dogmatic rules, long since outworn,
Be treated by our pedagogues with scorn,
Till not a wrack of them is left behind,
And hopeful scholars, in the days to come,
Unfettered by a dry curriculum,
Leave school and college with an open mind.
HOW TO GET ON.
No. VI. IN Music.
THERE are a hundred different ways in which this subject
might be treated. Read the musical papers, listen to the
lectures and obiter dicta of accomplished professors, and
ponder over the occasional pronouncements made in ordinary
periodicals, in partibus infidelium, as it were, by those
ardent souk who devote themselves to the criticism of the
work of others still more ardent, and you will find with how
great a diversity, both of opinion and manner, a matter so
simple in its origin and so universally attractive can be con-
sidered. Of course professors and critics, to say nothing
of actual composers, are not the only people who know ail
there is to be known about music. Almost everybody does.
On the strength of having sung treble in his school choir
thirty years ago, my friend BARKSTONE passes in his own
opinion, and that of his family circle, for a musical genius
of no common order. He can still hum little pieces of
HANDEL'S oratorios, and believes that great master to have
said the last word (or written the last note) m musical
matters. He admits a certain competence in PURCELL and
BISHOP and has since heard favourable reports of BALFE and
MACFARREN and ARTHUR SULLIVAN. " English music, my boy
that 's the thing for me : none of your fantastic foreigners,
with their symphonies and sonatas and concertos and gim-
crack operas, and all that sort of stuff. Give me a^ few
notes of old GEORGE FREDERICK and I 'm happy. It s an
easy doctrine, though it leaves out of account the fact that
old GEORGE FREDERICK, though he spent much time m
England writing for the English public, was about as
Gennan as a man could well be. BARKSTONE may pass, but
what is to be said about PORTINSCALE? This plethoric
o-entleman doesn't know one note from another. When the
band plays a selection from Florodora he is as likely as not
to rise and take his hat from bis bald and perspiring head
under the impression that the National Anthem is making
an appeal to bis reverence for KINO and Constitution. ' The
sort of music I like," says he, " is the music you can tap
your foot to and carry away in your head not the heavy
sort but good rousing tunes. All the rest s rubbish
And away he goes, la-la-la-ing to his own heart 's content, and
the excruciation of those who are compelled to listen to him
Now the point that you have got to get firmly into you
head if you want to make a popular and pecuniary succes
of your music, is this : That at least ninety per cent, of th
great public to whom you must appeal are BARKST
PORTINSCALES, and, that being so, what on earth do the odd
ten per cent, matter ? They are of no account, they cut no
ice, they are musical Pro- Boers.
Of course, if you happen to be desirous of success as a
singer I can give you an infallible recipe for success. You
must start in life (I leave out of consideration your very
tender early years) as a poor but honest and hard-working
scullery-maid. While you clean up the dishes and generally
obey the dread behests of the queen of the kitchen you keep
a happy heart by singing to yourself. A memorable day
comes when a well-known impresario happens to be lunching
with your master. As he sits after lunch, sipping his
coffee and puffing his cigar, he hears sounds of vocal melody
wafted sweetly from the nether regions of the house. He
listens in amazement. " Is that," he asks, " a nightingale,
or am I in a dream?" His host, that indolent neglectful
man, remarks that " it 's only JANE, the scullery-maid. She
does that kind of thing all day long, confound her ! " But
the impresario hasn't waited for the end of the sentence :
he has dashed precipitately down the kitchen stairs, has
seized the scullery warbler by both hands to the respectful
astonishment of all the other denizens of the kitchen depart-
ment, and has promised her mountains and marvels if only
she will follow his advice and place her musical future in
his hands. Two years later JANE STRADDLE has blossomed
into Miss GIANETTA STRADELLA, and in this guise she takes
the Ballad-concert-loving public by storm, no small factor
in her brilliant artistic triumph being the touching story
which I have related. I know that not everybody can be
a scullery-maid, but we can all try, and even if we. fail to
turn into singers, we shall have the satisfaction of reflecting
that we have spent some time in a sphere of honest toil
diversified by the delightful breakage of many plates and
dishes. (To be continued.}
AFTON WATER REVISITED.
[We hear that Mr. F. E. JONES has been commissioned to build
Sanatorium in Afton Glen, Ayrshire.]
FLOW gently, sweet Afton, among thy green braes,
I '11 sing thee a medical song in thy praise ;
My MAR? 's inhaling thy breezes so pure,
Flow gently, sweet Afton, disturb not her cure.
Thou stock-dove whose echo resounds thro' the glen,
Ye wild whistling blackbirds in yon thorny den,
Thou green-crested lapwing, a truce to thy squeals,
My MARY must rest for an hour after meals.
How lofty, sweet Afton, thy neighbouring hills !
To climb them is better for MARY than pills.
There daily I wander as noon rises high,
To see her take exercise under my eye.
How pleasant thy banks where my MARY may bask,
Or wander at will with her Dettweiler flask.
There three times a day, for exactitude's sake,
The temperature of my MARY I take.
Thy crystal stream, Afton, how lovely it glides
By the snug Sanatorium where she resides ;
Nor think that thy dampness can reach to her bones
Thro' the walls that are builded by architect JONES.
Flow gently, sweet Afton, among thy green braes,
Flow gently, sweet river, and lengthen her days.
My MARY 's inhaling thy breezes so pure,
Flow gently, sweet Afton, disturb not her cure.
THE HIGHER AND LOWER CRITICISM (from the KAISER'S point
of view). Babel und Bibel, und Bebel.
FEBRUARY 4, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
81
impossible to rejilisc
prize means, but the
EXAMPLE.
JOURNALISM A LA MODE.
Publisher's Announcement.
000 A WEEK FOR LIFE ! !
A UNIQUE OFFER ! ! !
(See this week's "Snippy Bits.")
IT is almost
what such a
following facts will perhaps enable you
to grasp its magnitude.
000 a week for life means :
That you can breathe as much air as
you can possibly get.
That you cau give it all away to a needy
friend without reducing your
income.
That, if you are a careful business man,
you can double it in a few weeks.
That, if you are an extravagant woman,
you can never possibly spend it.
That it exempts you from any addi-
tional Income Tax.
That, if placed in a bank, you can
never overdraw your account.
In fact, there is no limit to the things
you can't do with 000 a week for life.
WHAT YOU HAVE TO Do.
000 a week for life will be paid to
the person (perhaps you, perhaps not]
who solves the pictures which wil]
appear in Snippy Bits weekly for the
next few years. Each
picture consists of
certain objects, the
names of which repre-
sent the names of
something else quite
different, not spelt in
the same way. Every
word will be found in
ticI) Ct Webster's Dictionary.
Hair (Incorrect Solu- (A* 1 , ol ?Ject doe8 , . not
tion). include anything
which is necessary to
explain the picture, such as the piece of
neck in the accompanying example).
CONDITIONS.
(1). Write your answer clearly in red
ink (use a camel-hair brush).
(2). If you make a mistake in spelling,
you must get. another copy of Snippy
Bits and begin again.
(3). In the event of a tie a further,
or if necessary, several hundreds of
further sets will be submitted to the
tieing competitors, until the prize is
won outright (or until the tiers are
tiered of tieing).
(4). When you have filled up your
list, cut it out and keep it by you until
you are t(oo)old to send it in.
(5). The prize 000 a week for life
-cannot be divided.
Don't be discouraged if you cannot
fill in all the pictures. Life is short,
and other people may not live so long
as you.
OVERHEARD ON A RECENT MUDDY DAY.
Old Lady. " I DON'T SEE THE CROSSING-SWEEPER HEBE TO-DAY, POLICEMAN ! "
Policeman. "No, MUM. HE'S OUT MAUCIIINO WITH THE UNEMPLOYED TO-DAY."
Get a copy of this week's Snippy Bits.
Get a Webster.
Get to work, and
Get the Prize of 000 a week for life.
IT MAY BE YOU!
"HE WOULD HAVE SAID."
IN the course of a clever speech
Count VON BULOW, intending to exhibit
the Monarchy as not only most favour-
able to social legislation, but voluntarily
granting to the people universal suffrage
and the ballot, quoted Dr. HILLIER, who
said in 1881, "When the names of a
CJESAK and of a NAPOLEON have long
been forgotten, these words of a German
Emperor will endure for ever." Surely
the quotation of the speech, which itself
was founded on an old model, might
have been adapted by Count VON BULOW
to one still more ancient, and should
have run thus : " These words of a
German Emperor will be remembered
when the names of CJSAR and NAPOLEON
are forgotten, but not till then."
However, even a great orator, " as
BRUTUS [VON BiJtow] is," can't think of
everything, and must occasionally miss
a good point.
82
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 4, 1903.
A MODEL MATRON.
Charles (" his friend," " in amazement lost "). " HULLO, FRED, OLD MAN ! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING ? "
Fred (looking up calmly and quietly). " WELL, YOU SEE, MY DEAR BOY, SIY WIFE 's OUT PLAYING GOLF THE WHOLE MORNING, PLAYI; o
BRIDGE THE WHOLE AFTERNOON, AND HEAVES ONLY KNOWS WHAT SHE DOESN'T DO BESIDES. OUR NURSE HAS GOT A HOLIDAY ; so THERE 's NO
ONE LEFT TO LOOK AFTER THE HOUSEHOLD BUT MYSELF. SOMEONE MUST DO IT, AJiD ' IF YOU WANT A THING WELL DONE, DO IT YOURSELF,' IS MY
MOTTO. So HERE I AM ! "
VERB. SAP.
[" Yesterday a number of University students,
who had been ' ploughed ' in a recent examina-
tion, organised a demonstration against M.
LOUBET. Their march on the Elysee was
checked by a strong force of ipolice." Paris
Telegram.]
To Mr. BALFOUH, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN,
And other members of the Cabinet,
Respectful greeting.
I, the undersigned,
In statu pupillari by the Cam,
Find myself, by the whim of tyrannous
Dons,
Compelled to enter for the Little-Go.
I know not mathematics ; no, not I :
Examiners will ask, and ask in vain,
That I should tell of factors, simplify
Abstruse equations, cope with decimals.
I am you will appreciate the phrase ?
A _child in all such matters. Further-
more,
My ignorance of classics, I believe,
Is singularly perfect and complete.
Indeed, my Tutor, in his brutal way,
Remarks that 1 shall certainly be
ploughed.
Ploughed I may be. But, Sirs, if I am
ploughed
You one or more of you will have to
pay
The penalty ! No bookworm as I am,
I read the daily papers, and therefrom
Have taken sage advice concerning
things
They manage with astuter skill in
France.
If I am ploughed, I mean to lead a host
Direct on Highbury or Downing Street
A host of stern, determined, truculent
men,
My fellow-victims, bound by solemn
oath
To give no quarter !
So upon yourselves
Depends your fate ; greatly should I
deplore
Distressing scenes and deeds of violence ;
The issue rests in other hands than
mine.
The time grows short, but even now
your hint,
Promptly despatched to my examiners,
Will save. . . . Enough. You under-
stand ? Farewell !
WAITING.
Lss with the nut-brown hair,
Bright genius of the A. B. C.,
Approach, in beauty past compare,
And spell Love's alphabet to me !
Content no more am I each night,
Amid a weird, dyspeptic host,
To order, with a keen delight,
And watch thee bring, the tea and
toast.
I covet more transcendent joys ;
Be mine, and come where Ocean waits
Instead of thee, and where annoys
No tinkling clash of cups and plates.
There grant to me, beneath the stars,
Not buttered scones, but smiles of
bliss ;
Not pastry, that digestion mars,
But something sweeter still a kiss.
* S 9
Enchantress with the nut-brown hair,
Bright genius of the A. B. C.,
Ah, heed a lover's anguished prayer,
And be not D. E. F. to mo !
ITXCH, OR THK MNT>ON CHARIVARI. FEBHUAW 4, 1903.
NEVER AGAIN !
BROTHER JONATHAN. " I GUESS, BROTHER JOHN, NEXT TIME YOU 'LL FIND IT BETTER TO
PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE." JOHN BUII, (to himself). " I WILL."
FEBRUARY 4, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
8Ti
MORE STBENDOUSNESS!
[According to the Daibj Mail of January I'O, Londoners will shortly
bo able to expcrimi-nt with the first of u number of American "quick
lunch " establishments. Customers will wait on themselves, and on
certain days will receive gold watches and other souvenirs from the
proprietor.]
" LUNCH while you wait " is now the cry,
And 'tis you. who will do the waiting !
And yet you '11 not wait for the quick supply
That you '11 seize from the counter of pumpkin pie
And clam and " griddle-cake " sating !
And everything comes to him who '11 wait
At the meal of this generous Yankee ;
There '11 be watches for those who like such bait
To swallow (I don't insinuate
That the show 's to be hanky-panky !)
A " minute menu " should make things hum,
But will it assist digesting ?
We may possibly laugh at the process rum
Of this lightning lunch and then succumb
That 's to say, in a fit die, jesting !
SUGGESTIONS FOR A SHORT SPRING COURSE OF
LECTURES.
(To be delivered before any audience of sufficiently
advanced Socialistic views.)
LECTURE I. Shakspeare as the True Socialist should
see him.
Synopsis of Lecture.
1. Fundamental Maxim of Society "All men are, or
ought to be, born equal."
2. First commandment of the Social Decalogue " Thou
shall not excel thy fellows." He who violates this law an
enemy to the commonwealth and a breaker of the Social
Bond.
3. The pre-eminence of SHAKSPEARE plainly established by
existence of such works as Hamlet, Macbeth, &c., &c.
4. The generally accepted estimate of SHAKSPEAHE a
mistaken one, and founded on a false conception of merit.
5. SHAKSPEARE in his true b'ght as the Arch-" Out-Topper,"
and enemy of the community.
6. Final verdict upon SHAKSPEAHE Anathema Maranatha.
LECTURE H.Wardtwarfh and his Work as the outcome of
ajOrying Injustice.
Synopsis.
1. The natural beauties of the Lake District the chief
inspiration of WORDSWORTH. Probable arrest of his .poetic
development had his surroundings been those of the Black
Country.
2. The inequality in the beauty of natural surroundings
a glaring injustice.
3. Suggested remedy :
(a) Total number of natural beauties of England
counted and classified ; thus : number of mountains,
number of lakes, of trees, of meadows and so on,
ascertained.
(b) Average number of natural beauties as apportioned
to^each square mile ascertained, e.g., one hill, one lake,
forty trees, one-fourth of an acre meadow-land, and
so on.
(e) Funds supplied from Imperial Treasury to carry
out transference of natural features from one part of
England to another, thus making the scenery for each
square mile uniform.
A/- -'
A NEW OCEAN TERROR.
"GOODNESS, BERTIE, WHAT syxn's THE MATTEK WITH YOU? BEEN
PLUCKED FOR YOUR EXAM. ? "
"No. JUST FLEW INTO ONE OF THOSE HEW-FAKOLED MAHCONIGRAM8,
THAT '8 WHAT ! "
Mountains displaced by dynamite, solid matter con-
veyed by a nationalised railroad, water by canals and
pipes.
(d) Expense a drain on Treasury, but justice thereby
done to all citizens in all parts of England.
LECTURE III. The Marriage of King Cophetua and the
Beggar-Maid no pleasing incident, but an act of
the highest injustice.
Synopsis. 1. Beauty of Beggar-Maid apparently the sole
reason of King Cophetua's choice.
2. Plain or even squint-eyed beggar-maid just as worthy
of promotion to rank of Queen, hence injustice of marriage.
3. Suggestions for removal of inequality of beauty in
Society.
(a) All women to be placed by Local Commissioners
in five classes of descending values of beauty A, B, C,
D, E C representing the average.
(b) All female dress to consist of uniforms designed
by members of the Royal Academy, and arranged in
ascending values of beauty, a, b, c, d, e c representing
average.
(c) Women compelled by law to wear the uniform of
the class corresponding to their own ; thus, women of
class A (beautiful) to wear uniforms of class a (un-
becoming), while women of class E (plain) to wear
uniforms of class e (highly becoming).
HONEST INJUN ! The following advertisement appears in
the Daily Telegraph of the 23rd ult. :
HONEST young gentleman wishes to be BOARDED in a private
family, where no German or French boarders are. Address &c.
It should be added that the name of the advertiser, like the
grammatical structure of the last sentence,' is unmistakably
86
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI.
[FEBRUARY 4, 1903.
TOBY, M.P., IN TRINIDAD.
EXTRACTS FROM A TRAVEL DIARY.
E.M.S. Atrato, Solent : Christmas Eve.
-"At last we too were crossing the
Atlantic. At last the dream of forty
ears, please God, will be fulfilled, and
'. shall see (happily not alone) the West
Tidies and the Spanish Main." Tims
HARLES KINGSLEY, writing thirty-two
'ears ago, joyously bound Westward Ho
'or the islands he had never yet seen,
sat had in stirring story peopled with
iving men. At last we too fared forth,
n the very same month of a later year,
traversing the same illimitable sea.
Seems uncanny setting forth for the
Tropics on Christmas Eve. But time,
tide, and the Atrato wait for no man.
This is the good ship's appointed day
'or sailing, and we east off our moorings
contentedly contemplating a Christmas
meal consisting exclusively of chops of
,he Channel (froicT).
Meanwhile, a beautiful evening.
Steam out to the West under the appro-
priate gateway of a golden sunset.
Monday morning : South of tJie
Azores. Wonderful weather for time of
year. No sun, steering by dead reckon-
ng, whatever that may be. Has funereal
sound : Lose, TOM COFFIN ought to be
it the wheel. Happily, no wind, desolate
ut level sea.
All going well except the electric light,
[n fact last night, just before dinner, it
went out. Captain tells interesting
story of commander of a ship (on
another line) who had rooted distrust of
jtric light. Bound to instal it in
obedience to mandate from head-quarters.
Kept on all the old oil lamps, in view
of contingencies confidently anticipated.
Instituted what he called lamp drill.
As soon as soup was served at dinner,
he held up his starboard hand ; electric
light was switched out. Stewards,
every man at his post, rushed to ap-
pointed rows of lamps and lit them.
Meanwhile fish getting cold ; roasts
overdone ; Captain gratified with sense
of accomplished duty.
This all very well once or twice a
week. But when Captain showed dis-
position to have performance every other
night, passengers rose in a body, put
him in irons, and dined comfortably
ever after till end of the voyage.
Through the Eoaring Forties, terror
of the landsman on this tack. Weren'l
even aware of the locality till we had
steamed through it. The MEMBER FOR
SARK, who was brought up for the
church, but whilst still a young man
took to breeding bull-dogs, says the
Thirty-Nine Articles are much more
aggressive than the Roaring Forties.
New Year's Ere : In the Tropics.
Aft of the Promenade Deck, connectec
)y a gangway, is smaller deck reserved
br second-class passengers. Europe
alks along the larger deck, a compo-
site group of Britishers, Frenchmen,
Spaniards, and eke Portugce, bound for
one or other of the West Indian Islands.
On the smaller deck struts Africa,
swarthy, magnificent.
First caught sight of TIIEODOSIUS
IENRY CLAY towards mid-day on
Sunday. Delay in appearance due to
prolonged process of attiring. But
vhat a result ! THEODOSIUS is a full-
jlooded Negro of some twenty-four
lummers exceedingly hot ones. His
all, straight, svelte figure is clad in
leatly-patterned tweed suit, the fit of
which would make the late Mr. POOLE
,urn in his grave with envy. Envy also
would mantle the ingenuous countenance
of "BOBBY" SPENCER if he could view
the height and depth, the pearly white-
ness, of the fabric of THEODOSIUS'S
collar. The tip of a cambric hand-
kerchief peeps from the breast-pocket
of his jacket. Only objection the most
'astidious taste could find in his fault-
.ess attire is the gold chain hanging
:rom the same pocket, indicating that,
n the absence of a waistcoat, his watch
therein lies perdue. Also as THEOCO-
sius squared his shoulders and paced
lie deck, there was just a little bit of
swagger in his walk, indicating to whom
it might concern the circumventing
Atlantic Ocean to wit that there are
other personages who can, an' they will,
roll in their gait :
The merchant to secure his treasure
Conveys it in a borrowed name ;
TH'DOSIUS serves to grace my measure,
But DINAH is my real flame.
DINAH is Mrs. HENRY CLAY, cetat. I
guess about eighteen. If THEODOSIUS
is perfectly apparelled, who shall hymn
the praises of DINAH'S dainty dress ? A
tailor-made jacket of fawn-coloured
cloth fitted her graceful body like a
glove. Beneath a petticoat of navy-
blue peeped a pair of dainty feet, shod
in tan, discreetly disclosing open-work
stockings. No sun upon an Easter Day
saw half so fair a sight. Round her
neck is the blue ribbon of the order of
girlhood budding into womanhood.
The masses of her dull dark hair, whose
abundance some Duchesses might envy,
are deftly gathered up into a shapely
roll at the back of the head. Over her
brows coquettishly dipped a white
sailor's straw hat. Africa, proud of its
daughter, filled her moutli with its
pearls fashioned as teeth. To tell the
truth, Africa rather overdid it. Even
the generous spread of Mistress DINAH
HENRY CLAY'S mouth cannot eacompass
Motherland's liberality, a tendency to
projection of the teeth giving appear-
ance of fixed but not unpleasant smile.
This is but the artistically-plannec
law that brings into fuller light the
perfection of the whole.
DINAH is incomparable even when,
with fingers lightly pressing her hus-
jand's stalwart arm, she stands side by
side with THEODOSIUS HENRY CLAY,
=miling at the responsive Atlantic,
Off Bai-badocs : Sunday. Still sailing
>ver a level sea, through the past week
jlinted with summer sun. An added
oy to think of rous autres in slushy
Condon, or in snow-bound country
lomes wrapped up in furs or shivering
3y ineffective fires. " What would
present company think," as JoeGargcry
ised to say to Pip, of getting up at
seven o'clock this morning, leaving a
abin through which, all through a
summer night, the fresh ocean air has
oursed through open port, to take a
dip in the Atlantic, cool not chilly 'i
What would present company say to
epairing after its bath, clad in
Dyjamas, to the main deck, where a
,able is spread with early breakfast,
consisting chiefly of fruit ? Then a
walk on deck till nine o'clock, when
real breakfast is served. Before you a
delightfully long day, throughout whose
sunlit hours is to be enjoyed the for
some people rare luxury of doing
nothing.
I do not wish to be disagreeable on
eve of New Year, nor create anything
akin to envy or malice. So will not
pursue the subject beyond mentioning
that, " If these delights thy mind may
move," book a passage by the first
Royal Mail Steamer and come along to
the West Indies.
IN BRAID ALBYN.
LINES FROM BEN LAVYERH.
(To be read Scotto.Voce.)
FROM Kenmore
To Ben Mohr
The land is a' the Markiss's ;
The mossy howes,
The heathery knowes,
An' ilka bonnie park is his.
The bearded goats,
The toozie stots,
An' a' the braxy carcases ;
Ilk crofter's rent,
Ilk tinkler's tent
An' ilka collie's bark is his.
The muir-cock's craw,
The piper's blaw,
The gillie's hard day's wark is his ;
From Kenmore
To Ben Mohr
The Warld is a' the Markiss's !
"BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER."
That presumably explains why the
gulls all flocked round Madame HUMBERT.
FEBRUARY 4, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
87
88
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 4, 1903.
" MAY IT PLEASE YOUR LuDSHIP, I APR THAT THE WITNESS BE FORCED
TO PRODUCE THE PAPERS THAT AVERE BURNT ! "
MY FRIEND BISKS.
I SUPPOSE I have not behaved altogether well to BINKS. By
day sometimes, when, my liver is troublesome, 1 feel distinct
twinges of conscience about my conduct to him, and at
night, on the fortunately rare occasions when I can't sleep,
the thought of BINKS rises before my mind like an accusing
spectre.
I believe a talented dramatist recently wrote a melodrama
which he called Boys Together. He was wrong. He should
have made it a tragedy. BISKS and I were boys together,
and it is with the tragic consequences of that circumstance
that this confession of mine deals.
When BINKS and I were at school we were bosom friends.
We were inseparable. We shared those repulsive dainties
in which schoolboys take delight. In a word, there could
not have been a more united pair. When BINKS left I
believe I shed tears. I know I regretted his loss
keenly. And for a time we even exchanged occasional
letters.
But that is hard on twenty years ago, and since then
BINKS and I have gone our separate ways, he in some
prosperous berth in the city, I in that penurious calling on
which we authors starve. The profession of Letters is an
engrossing one, and I will frankly confess that I had
forgotten BINKS.
But BINKS had not forgotten me. That faithful heart still
beat faster at my memory. And at last, one fatal morning,
we met again !
It -was in my humble attic in the Temple. I had only
just breakfasted it was not long after mid-day and was
still immersed in my morning paper when a knock came at
my door. Sadly bored at the interruption 1 arose and
opened it, and in walked BINKS, the old expansive genial
BINKS, beaming with affectionate regard.
I recognised him at once his appearance was ridiculously
unaltered and grasped his extended hand.
"My dear old chap," I cried, with, I trust, real feeling,
" how glad I am to see you again ! "
Poor BINKS was obviously touched at the warmth of his
welcome, for there was a suspicious moisture in his eye, and
he wrung my hand again and again. So far at least I had
not wounded that faithful heart !
" It is really splendid to have found you out at last," he
replied enthusiastically.
He had not found me " out," as I reflected with a touch
of regret, even in that first expansive moment of renewed
friendship, but I forbore to correct him.
" How did you manage it? " I inquired instead.
His answer was pathetically absurd. He had searched
directories, it appeared, and inquired in all sorts of unlikely
quarters. In fact, for some years an appreciable portion of
his leisure seemed to have been spent in ferreting out my
uninteresting self from among the millions of Great Britain.
At last a chance look at the Red Book had revealed the
fatal secret.
Infinitely touched that he should have taken so much
trouble but with a vague fear that I wished he hadn't I
carried him forth to luncheon and gave him of the best. I
plied him with expensive forms of food and drink, struggling
the while to convince myself that I was enjoying our
meeting as much as he was.
But the effort was useless. All the time I was conscious
that I had nothing whatever to say to him. We had not
met for years. We had no friends, no interests, in common.
He knew nothing of my world, I knew nothing of his. We
talked, of course talked energetically. But we had nothing
to say.
Anything more dreadful or more absurd than that con-
versation I have never experienced. We spoke of old
schoolfellows. Had I seen anything of SNOOKS ? No. Good
fellow, SNOOKS ! What had become of BROWN ? Dead, poor
chap. Didn't I know ? Ever hear from J AGGERS ? For-
gotten JAGOERS. BLOGGS was married. Forgotten BLOGGS.
PERKS was in the Bankruptcy Court, and TOMPKINS in the
Church, and SIMPSON in the Colonies.
To my fevered imagination we seemed to go through the
entire list of our school contemporaries, and not one of them
appeared to have done anything worth recording, to have
achieved even the poorest little rag of fame, or to have
benefited his kind in the smallest degree. They were
dreary, commonplace, boring people. Any semblance of
interest which they may have seemed to possess in my
undiscerning youth I disclaim all responsibility for that
period melted away before the cold light of middle age,
and as their depressing phantoms were paraded relentlessly
before me by the enthusiastic BINKS, 1 could have wept with
weariness.
At last that dreadful luncheon ended. We parted with
expressions of the heartiest regard.
"So jolly to have met you again! " "Haven't enjoyed
anything so much for years ! " " Come and see me in a day
or two. Don't forget." (This from BINKS.)
" Delighted, my dear chap." This with elaborate warmth
from me.
And then (at last !) he was gone.
I crept back to my chambers broken in spirit, and spent
a dreary afternoon, alternately lamenting the re-appearance
of BINKS and rebuking my own callousness.
I never went to see BINKS. After six weeks he came
again. 1 expected a rebuke. None came.
" So ashamed of myself for not having been round to look
you up before ! ' ' said the simple fellow, heartily.
1 mumbled an excuse at not having been to see him,
protested my delight at his visit with a fervour at which 1
could blush at this moment if I allowed my thoughts to
dwell on it, and again took him out to luncheon. Again
we talked of old clays and old friends, of SNOOKS and
JAGGERS and TOMPKINS. Again I pledged myself to go and
see BINKS without fail in a day or two. Again I did not
keep my word.
The honest fellow came a third time, and the farce was
repeated.
FEISRUARY 4, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
By this time BINKS was getting on
my nerves. The \\\ pocri-y of the whole
proceeding sickened .and i he bore-
dom was turning my hair grey. Yet
there seemed to be no escape.
couldn't tell BINKS that [ had ceased
to deri\e the smallest, pleasure I'roni hi-
society. It \vonld have been brutal. 1
should have liked to write to him ex-
plaining that, although my affection for
him was unalterable, I never wished to
see him again, but 1 felt it would be
impossible to make such a complex
emotional attitude clear to the poor
chap's intelligence.
At last in a panic I gave up my
chambers, and took others in a humble
quarter where, I trust, the emissaries
of the Red Book do not penetrate.
And now I spend my life in hiding
from BINKS. I never turn a corner in
Fleet Street without peering cautiously
round it to see if BINKS is in sight. I
never enter a restaurant without first
peeping through the glass doors and
sc-iimiiig the occupants narrowly.
But. I know that all precautions arc
in vain, and that some day, when I am
off my guard, BINKS will turn up in
the old warm-hearted way, and I shall
grasp him by the hand and carry him
off to luncheon, and we shall have
another of those dreadful conversations,
the memory of which still haunts me in
nightmares.
When this happens I shall know
that London has no longer any future
for me, and I shall emigrate.
DUX FEMINA FACTI.
ACCORDING to a morning contemporary,
c-rs-ts are becoming more and more
common amongst Army men. This
tendency towards feminism can have
but one result, a complete if gradual
revolution in military fashions, and a
revolution, too, before which even the
manly must give way.
Moreover, this change is certain to
have its effect on the nation at large.
With an Army clad like women, we
may expect public opinion to adopt
the feminine view that Dress dominates
the I'niversc. No doubt newspapers of
the iuture will contain such paragraphs
as the following:
Fn.m tlie ' Daily FnlUlrcss," April 1, 1008.
At the great review which took place
to-day on the Horse Guards Parade
there were to be seen some of the most
wonderful creations of the costumier's
art. Mr. BRODIUOK was a perfect dream
in a dress of khaki colour, trimmed
appropriately enough with red tape.
Lord ROBERTS, in his red coat and skirt
with gold embroidery, captivated all
lii-arts, whilst Lord KITCHENER looked
delightfully fresh and pretty in dark
Mr. Eaeytlme (to Sweep). " ULU>, WILLYUM, BEEN 'UXTIS' ? "
Strecp. " Yoss, AS' DOT THE BRCSK TOO ! "
blue, with a smart leather belt sur-
rounding his dainty waist. General
FRESCH, who brought two pretty aides-
de-camp, wore pink, and amongst other
lovely men present were Major-General
BADEN-POWELL, in large picture-hat and
khaki gown, pretty Lord EDWARD CECIL,
and Colonel WARD, in a becoming black
frock and hat to match.
From the "Crimes," Nov. 5, 1907.
In an Army Order issued last night
it is laid down that, with a view to
further increase the efficiency of the
Army, no man will be allowed to
appear on parade in boots or shoes with
heels of a less diameter than three
inches.
From the " Daily Wail," Jan. 31, 1920.
We hear that an agitation is being
started in certain quarters against the
use of whalebone in the Army. We
desire to enter a strong protest against
this insidious attempt to undermine
the efficiency of our military forces.
England's supremacy rests upon, or
rather is held up by, the staying power
of her soldiers. Remove their supports,
and the whole fabric of our glorious
Empire will crumble in the dust.
Britain shall be as Nineveh and Tyre,
as Greece and Rome !
From the " Snaily Views," Jan. 1C, 1930.
PUDDLETON DIVISION ELECTION. Our
correspondent, Marconigramming from
Puddleton last night, says, "This
evening a Deputation waited upon Mr.
PiiiMi;osi:-I).\ME, the Conservative candi-
date, and desired from him a pledge
that he would support the introduction
of muffs into the Army. Mr. PRIMROSE-
!>\\u: in reply expressed himself as
entirely in agreement with the views of
the Deputation, and said that he would
only support a Government which made
the first plank in its platform the com-
pulsory wearing of muffs by every
member of the British Army. The
Radical candidate airily dismisses the
subject with the remark that there are
more than enough ' muffs ' in the
Army already. It is feared by the
Liberal leaders that this unseemly
levity in regard to a great National
question may have the effect of alien-
ating a large section of the electorate
that had otherwise voted Liberal."
90
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 4, 1903.
CHARIVARIA.
OUR War Office is being twitted with
the fact that, in the organisation of the
Army Corps, no provision has been
made for a special intelligence staff. It
seems there is some confusion as to the
extent of the jurisdiction of our War
Office. It declares it has nothing to do
with intelligence.
Excellent reports of Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S
progress in South Africa continue to
reach us. The statement that, at
Potchefstroom, "Fifty burglars took
the horses out of the right honorable
gentleman's carriage," contains an
obvious misprint.
A patriotic native of Cyprus has
written a book denouncing British rule
that island. He declares that, in
ancient times, with its Greek population,
Cyprus was the home of beauty and
plenty, while to-day, under British
;overnment, it is almost a desert,
evastated by locusts. Which reminds
us that we know a man who has turned
from Conservative to Liberal because
he considers the present Government
has made a mess of the weather.
We hear that the office of Chief Boot
Black at President ROOSEVELT'S official
residence will shortly become vacant,
and it is said that, with a view to
calming Southern susceptibilities, the
President intends to bestow the appoint-
ment on a white man.
A German Jack Tar, for murdering a
petty officer, has been sentenced to
death, to penal servitude for six years,
to dismissal from the navy, and to
perpetual loss of civil rights. A move-
ment is on foot to get the latter part of
the punishment remitted.
It is reported that Professor MOMMSEN
has had part of his hair burnt off. We
cannot understand this, as it will be
remembered that during the South
African War the Professor lost his head.
Sir THOMAS LIPTON is just as confident
in Shamrock III., the new challenger
for the America Cup, as he was in
Shamrock I. and Shamrock II.
In future all naval bandsmen are to
be combatants. We have long felt that
not enough has been made of the offen-
sive power of a band out of tune.
At Lord CURZON'S ball at Calcutta all
the guests had to wear costumes of
100 years ago. A certain mean cen-
tenarian who received an invitation is
said to have been delighted to be able
to use his old clothes.
Boy (looking forward to a Party in the
evening). " OH, MUMMY, BAST is NAUGHTY !
HE HAS TAKEN TWO THINGS OFF THE CALENDAR,
AND MADE IT TO-MORROW ! "
; IF NO ONE EVER MARRIES
ME
(By a Bachelor. With apologies.)
IF no one ever marries me
And they don't seem very keen,
For I can't pretend I 'm handsome,
And my purse is rather lean
If no one ever marries me,
I '11 get along all right
I shall play at golf the whole day
through,
And at Bridge the livelong night.
I shall have a little sailing yacht,
And a motor all my own,
And I shan't be plagued with children's
bills
For things that they 've outgrown.
And when I 'm sick of everything,
And dull as dull can be,
I shall think how glad I 've made some
girl
Who didn't marry me.
Appreciative !
The Eldest Miss Bluestocken (to Mrs.
Mugby, of the village laundry). I 'm
delighted that you were able to come
to our schoolroom performance of Scenes
from Shakspeare.
Mrs. Mugby. Oh, so was I, Mum.
That therj 'Amblet and the grand
lady, Mum
Eldest Miss B. (condescendingly). You
mean Hamlet and his mother the vicar
and myself. You enjoyed it?
Mrs. Mugby. Oh, we did, Mum !
We ain't 'ad such a rale good laugh
for many a long day.
[Exit Miss B., thinking that Shak-
speare is perhaps somewhat thrown
away on this Yokality.
TO RICHARD STRAUSS.
GREAT anarch, whose truculent numbers,
Abounding in Donner and Blitz,
Have startled the sane from their slumbers,
And frightened thy foes into fits ;
All hail ! ineffable hero,
Of stature so terribly tall,
Ev'ry other composer from NERO
To SOUSA looks small !
Our innocent fathers, adoring
The simple Handelian theme,
Knew not that elaborate scoring
All absence of charm could redeem.
But the epoch of HALLKS and HULLAHS
Is long irretrievably flown,
And the maddest of musical MULI.AHS
Is monarch alone.
Beguiled by the obsolete fiction
That art was intended to please,
We cherished the crazy conviction
That discord was kin to disease ;
Now spurning the base and insidious
And honeyed allurements of Tune,
We welcome at last in the Hideous
Art's ultimate boon.
We are faint with insatiate hunger
For food that is racy and rank ;
ransom us, RICHARD the Younger,
From life that is blameless and blank !
Breathe on us the blast of the blizzard,
Pour poisonous drugs in our cup,
Stick pins in us, down to the gizzard,
And make us sit up !
Too long have we slavishly swallowed
Mild MENDELSSOHN'S saccharine Psalms;
Too long have contentedly followed
The footsteps of WAGNER and BRAHMS.
free us from all that is formal,
banish the ways that are plain,
Eliminate all that is normal,
And make us insane.
We are cloyed witli the cult of the
Russian,
We are sick of the simple, the bland ;
We long for persistent percussion,
For brass that is gruesomely grand.
teach us that discord is duty,
That Melody maketh for sin,
Come down and redeem us from beauty,
Great despot of din !
A MISNOMER. According to the Daily
Mail, Mme. JUSTINE POULET, of Vimenet,
a village in the Department of the Avey-
ron, has just died at the age of 101.
This POULET was certainly no chicken.
"A PWOBIEM." (Communicated by
the Shade of Lord Dundreary.) Every-
one has a "Bee in his Bonnet." The
bonnet is on the head. Keep your head,
and if there's no "Bee in Bonnet,"
where is it? Ana. On it. ("Tttat's
the sort of thing that no fellow can under-
stand." Disappears.)
-AHY 11, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
SUMMER LAND IN WINTER
TIME.
EXTRACTF.P FROM THE TRAVEL Dunv OF TOBY, M.P.
Government House, Grenada : Jan. 14.
No newspapers here morning or
svening ; no post save once u fortnight ;
no cabs, few carriages, and no Tuppenny
Tube. In the afternoon there arrives a
slieet that answers to the Londoners'
" hrxtry speshul." It is the telegraph
summary oC European news supplied to
th. i lovernor. In to-day's despatch we
read : "Severe cold gales and snow-
storms are prevalent throughout Eng-
land. Ilailway trains are embedded in
snow drifts."
Being, after all, almost human, this
gives the last touch to the luxury of
life in the West Indies in mid-winter.
Here we sit, ladies in muslin frocks,
men in cool white linen suits, looking
out over tropical garden on a pond-like
sea, whose illimitable expanse of tur-
quoise hue is ruffled only by the ripple
of 'foam that lazily breaks on the shores
of the Bay.
Cold gales and snow ? Possibly slush
through" which to take a walk down
Heel Street? What things are these 5
What fairy tales of reckless romancer ?
In this languorous air it is pleasant to
think of a thing called snow, and
thank you, I wiLl take another bit oi
ice in the lime-squash. But to realise
temporary entombment in a snow-drift
fire on the hearth, a fur overcoat, icy
winds whistling round bleak corners, is
an acrobatic feat of imagination too
fatiguing for the tropics.
Friday. What I like about travel is
the opportunity it presents of learning
strange things at first hand. Met to-day
a spectacled gentleman making his
leisurely way to Jamaica. Turning th
conversation, in direction I surmisea
would be congenial to him, talked o
books. In intervals of growing jsugar
did they read much in Jamaica?
Yes, they made the best of their
opportunities. But it wasn't possible
to keep anything like a library. Among
other gifts of nature, Jamaica boasts one
of the most persistent and voracious
Bookworms that ever devoured litera
ture (no connection of my revered col
league, the BARON DE BOOK-WORMS)
Hardly have you finished the latest book
from London than he takes it in hand
and pensively bores his way through
His manner of study is peculiarly
destructive. In Europe we write, anc
consequently read, from left to right
the Chinese from right to left. Th
Bookworm reads right through a book
vertically from binding to binding
When he arrives at the top, he stretches
iiimself, moves a little to left or righ
and bores his way back again. Process
DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE.
Customer (TiME Saturday afternoon). "I DON'T WAST ALL COPPERS IN CHAXCIE FOR THAT
SHILLING. HAVEN'T YOU GOT ANY SILVER?"
Newsboy. " ALL RIGHT, SIR. WANT A LITTLE SUNDAY MONEY, I S'POSE, SIR ? "
continued till only a few disjointed
remarks left for subsequent students.
My friend I fancy he is a Professor
has conducted some interesting ex-
periments. Selecting a particularly
vain, self -advertising Bookworm, he,
casually as it were, deposited him
within the cover of The Sorrows of
Satan. At the end of a year, when he
had thoroughly mastered, not to say
masticated, the contents of that great
work, my friend really didn't know
him. He was transformed into one of
the moat modest, retiring Bookworms
you ever saw.
Shrank from nothing so much as
publicity. Once he went to a function
at which the Governor of Jamaica
appeared. His name got into the local
papers among other notable guests ; he
was that angry he has never since left
the confines ol the library, and is now
engaged upon Drelincourt on Death.
This story drew another from a
planter in Barbados. It seems that
island is sparsely peopled with the
longest and most able-bodied centipedes
that ever walked. Tamed and trained,
they carry children on their backs,
walking or trotting as directed, liar-
92
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 11, 1903.
nessed in pairs they drag about
Kingston the morning milk-cart, as
dogs do in Brussels and other Belgian
towns.
This rare and valuable possession is
regarded with great jealousy by the
neighbouring islands. Many overtures
have been made for importing them.
Trinidad in particular formulated a
scheme for running the tramways in
Port of Spain by teams of these useful
creatures.
Happily for Barbados, there is
insuperable difficulty. The centipede,
my other friend tells me, cannot stand
a sea voyage, howsoever short. The
reason is simple even obvious. It can
never get all its sea-legs at tlie same
moment. Either 25 are all right and
75 quite out of it ; or, with slight
variation of proportion, the reverse
happens. However it be, a centipede
on board ship is absolutely hopeless.
After several painstaking endeavours to
overcome this peculiar infirmity, it is
now left in peace in its island home.
These things are told me. What I
have seen and tasted are oysters that
grow on trees. No mistake about it ;
saw the lower branches of the mangrove
tree to which they were still attached.
Cannot say they equal a fine fat native,
either in flesh or flavour. But they are
the best that can be done in the circum-
stances, and, as SAEK says, you mustn't
look a tree oyster too closely in the
mouth.
Saturday. Confess that when, on
leaving Southampton, I saw some pas-
senger's luggage labelled Grenada I
wondered how it was going to get there
by our ship. Up to this month knew
only of one Granada, the city in Spain
on whose hill -top stands beautiful
Alhambra. Thence this island took its
name. For me its identity was lost
amid the muddled obscurity in which
the average Englishman regards the
West Indies.
Came on here from Trinidad because
we were told that Grenada is the most
delectable of the islands. Believe it.
Anyhow, it is hard to conceive any-
thing more exquisite than the gem or
its setting. An emerald isle, it uplifts
its fronded palms from a sea, deep blue
in the sunlight, opal in these moonlit
nights. .It is rare to come upon a
hundred yards of level ground. A
ridge of tree-clad hills runs the full
length of the centre of the island it is
only twenty-one miles long. From ap-
point of these there are presented beau-
tiful views of land and sea. All kinds
of tropical fruit abound. The tempera-
ture is what may be called cool. Here
on the hills the maximum prevalent for a
few hours in the day, is S3" ; on the plains
and in the town it runs up to 90.
The garden at Government House
seems like a slice cut out of the Tropical
Department imder glass at Kew
Gardens. The difference is that the
trees are finer and bigger. Within the
range of a few paces you shall see the
cocoanut tree, now in full fruit ; the
palm tree growing sheer up for eighty
feet, a bare stem, at its summit throwing
out graceful foliage ; the Bamboo growing
in immense bushes, the branches whereof
are tossed about by the Trade Wind
that blows over sea from sunrise to
sunset. As for orchids, instead of
being indigenous to the button-hole of
a statesman's frock-coat, you come upon
them at every turn, thrusting their
heads forth from the trunks of sturdy
trees.
But enough.
For we which now behold these present days
Have eyes to wonder but lack tongues to praise.
And " severe cold gales and snow-
storms are prevalent throughout Eng-
land !" And "railway trains are
embedded in snow-drifts ! " Dear me !
I wonder if I shall have any tree
oysters at dinner to-night.
VANUA.
[When London clocks are striking noon it is
midnight at longitude 180. The line where
the day changes is arbitrarily drawn, zigzagging
across longitude 180 in order to avoid land.
It does, however, pass through Vanna, with the
consequence that one side of the street is a day-
ahead of the other.]
IN other countries certain dates
Fill men with apprehension,
And keep them in unpleasant states
Of ultra-nervous tension ;
But here in sunny Vanua
We 're free from all such sorrow ;
In half the place it 's yesterday,
In half it is to-morrow.
You '11 find it in a thousand ways
Convenient past, measure
If you can change about the days
According to your pleasure.
Suppose, e.g., you do not care
To go to work on Monday,
Just step across the road, and there
You 're back again in Sunday.
In London town, I understand,
Some naughty words are vittered
When ladies go out shopping and
They find the shops all shuttered.
Now here but half are closed which. ]
Declare a great improvement
The rest are unaffected by
The early closing movement.
If any day is clouded grey
With unexpected sorrow,
Just step across to yesterday,
Or back into to-morrow.
Then bid adieu to sigh and tear
And everything unpleasant !
For care is past or future here,
It never need be present.
AVENGED !
AFTER a pause ALICE began, " Well,
they werebo(/t very unpleasant charac-
ters
" De mortuis " said TWEEDLEDEE
reprovingly.
" I don't know what that means,"
said AUCE.
" You don't know much," said
TWEEDLEDUM, " and that 's a fact."
ALICE - did not at all like the tone of
this remark, and thought it would be as
well to introduce some other subject of
conversation.
"It you have really finished ?"
she began, as politely as she could.
" Nohow. . And thank you very much
for asking," said TWEEDLEDUM.
" So much obliged," added TWEEDLE-
DEE. " There are four more verses."
He smiled gently, and began again :
" Carpenter," the Walrus said,
" Life 's joys soon disappear.
There seem to be no oysters left,
We 've swept the table clear."
The Carpenter said nothing but
" I'm feeling precious queer." >
" Oh, I 'm so glad ! " said ALICE.
" Carpenter," the Walrus said,
" I sympathise with you.
You say that you feel rather odd,
I doubt not that you do,
For, curious as it may appear,
I feel peculiar, too."
" The time has come, "the Walrus said,
" To talk of doctors' bills,
Of pulses up to fever height,
Of medicine and pills.
I would not for the world alarm,
But shall we make our wills ? "
" oysters ! " moaned the Carpenter,
And that was all he said,
As on the coolest piece of rock
He laid his aching head.
The Walrus, too, refrained from speech,
He was already dead.
" And did the Carpenter get well ? "
asked ALICE.
" Nohow," said TWEEDLEDUM.
" Contrariwise," said TWEEDLEDEE ;
" he died."
" Well," said ALICE, " thank you very
much, but I don't think the last four
verses nearly so good as the others."
"Ah," said TWEEDLEDEE, "perhaps
not. But they 're much truer. You
see, those oysters were near the isthmus
of sewage."
" CROSS-CHANNEL PASSENGERS SEARCHED."
If the Belgian Mail authorities con-
tinue to insist on this proceeding they
will do an enormous business, as such
action is enough to make everyone cross.
ITXCH, OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI. FEBRUARY 11, 1003.
AVENGED !
'O CARPENTER," THE WALRUS SAID,
"I SVMI'ATIIISi; WITH YOU.
VdlJ SAY TIIA'l' YOU FEEL RATHER ODD,
I DOniT NOT THAT YOU DO,
FOR, CURIOfS AS IT MAY APPKAI.',
/ FKKI, J' ECU LIAR, Ton."
FEBRUARY 11, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
MR. FRANKENSTEIN AND HIS EX-TEMPORE PROMETHIAN.
A TRAGICAL DRAMA. BY H. B. JAUBERJEE, B.A.
THE SHUDDERING CLIMAX.
is a superfluity to remind the Constant
Reader that, when last seen, Mr. FRANKEN-
STEIN was occupied in cooking and eating
a deceased hare provided by the [now
penitent Monster. We pass on to :
ACT III. SCENE 5. A LANDSCAPE IN LAPLAND.
[Being personally unfamiliar with said locality, I s]ioulo
recommend the Honble. Manager to despatch some com-
petent scenic painter who fan be depended -upon to draw
from nature.
Laplandish natives are seen flying in uncontrollable panic.
Then, after a pause, the Monster drives in on a dog-sledge
harnessed to a team of canines. [N.b. If possible, these
should consist of authentic Laplandish curs but poodles or
any similar hounds might serve as makeshifts.]
The Monster (pidling up). These are deucedly good dogs.
1 have left Mr. FRANKENSTEIN stuck in a lurch !
[He drives off. Presently Mr. F. drives on in another dog-
sledge.
Mr. F. I have tracked his fiendish footprints in the snow.
He cannot be afar off ! (Laplanders return.) Kindly inform
me whether you have encountered any dog-sledge containing
a gigantic Demon ?
.1 Laplandish. Not a quarter of an hour ago, highly
respectable Sir, an individual of that description was
remarked in. the act of crossing the Frozen Sea.
Mr. F. (tossing a purse full of pice among them). Many
thanks for your valuable information. (To the dogn) Gee-up,
for the Frozen Sea !
[He drives off, leaving all the Laplandishes aghast with
admiration. Cltangc to :
SCENE 6. THE INEQUALITIES OF THE FROZEN SEA.
[Air. F. (8 discovered in his sledge, surrounded by fainting
dogs.]
Mr. F. (lugubriously). This is indeed the pretty kettle of
lisli ! I have totally lost the Monster, a moiety of my dogs
are out of joint, and the remainder are worn to a stump !
And, as though to pile Peleus on Ossian, the Midnight Sun
is rising and will shortly liquefy the ice !
Here the Midnight Sun is seen getting up. Tlie ice is heard
to crack audibly, as it commences to dissolve partnership.
One by one the dogs sink beneath the glacial fluid and
bite the dust. Mr. F. rVMUM /liiimelf by clutching
despairingly to a cam-i ni> n/ ire-betvj, as a
(Commander, Capt. WALTON v. book) appears on the
horizon.
Mr. F. (in plaintive accents). Ahoy ! Help me out of my
tight fix ! [The ship approaches nearer
Capt. Walton (looking over the gunwale). Sursum corda .
You are salvaged !
Mr. F. (with a mournful smile). Like Cardinal Lore
WOLSELEY, on his arrival at the Death's Door of Traitors
Gate, I may say, " I am come to deposit my bones on your
premises ! '
Capt. Walton (courteously). I am overjoyed to receive
them. But why are you journeying incognito on an iceberg ?
Mr. F. (looking at his watch). I have barely time to relate
my unparalleled adventures before going out like a candle-
snuff.
[Here he recites his story with pathetically elocutional
facundity.
Capt. Walton (at the conclusion). Yours is certainly a
gloomy narrative. But it is humanly incredible that any
individual could succeed in manufacturing a Monster offhand.
Mr. F. Behold the proof of such a baleful pudding ! For
here unless I am mistaken comes the spurious creature
whom, in a fit of enthusiastic madness (this phrase is bor-
rowed from book), I did so rashly put into circulation !
[At this the Monster advances with leaps and bounds over
the icebergs.
Capt. Walton (flabbergasted). Odzookers ! Mirabile dictu !
Who 'd have thought it !
Mr. F. (excessively put out, addressing Monster). Unwieldy
and malignant Tormentor ! you have arrived the day after
the fair, since I am already practically a post-obit.
Capt. Walton (to'Monster). As sure as a gun he is speaking
the nude truth. You will only annoy his ghost by stretch-
ing it out any longer on the tough rack of persecution.
[If too like "King Lear," please to alter this speech,
Mr. Printer.
The Monster. generous and self-devoted Mr. FRAITKEN-
STEIN, kindly defer thy decease until I have rendered profuse
apologies.
Capt. WaZion (indignantly). Wolf in sheepish get-up that
thou art, it is in vain to shed tears of a crocodile over such
spilt milk as thy unfortunate victim !
The Monster (with feeling). Believe me, I am no crocodile
in asserting that I am confoundedly sorry for having been
instrumental in causing Little Darling WILLIAM, Ayah JUSTINE,
HENRY CLERVAL, and last but not least- -the amiable Mrs.
FRANKENSTEIN to suffer the autumnal breath of the King of
Terrors. Think not that I acted con amore in this affair.
Dn the contrary, this heart of mine was fashioned for love
and sympathy [V. book for this] till rubbed the wrong way
3y systematic snubbings. I beseech thee not to kick the
Ducket until thou hast pardoned my devilish escapades.
Mr. F. (after a heaving internal conflict). To err is
luman ; to forgive is a divine hobby. Monster, I pardon
ihee. WALTON, my birdlike soul is now about to hop the
twig of vitality, and flutter to Morning Stars. [He expires.
Capt. Walton (reverentially). The noble FRANKENSTEIN has
Missed into the Lobby of the Other World and joined the
Majority. (To Monster) There is nothing to detain you here
any longer.
Tlie Monster (in hollow and sombre accents). No for this
unworthy self is soon also to become a gone concern.
Already I have prepared a funereal bonfire in which my
jurning miseries will promptly be extinguished. (This
In king phrase is- borrowed from Mrs. S.) Farewell!
Jrieve not for me. I am en route to rejoin my victims, and
mry my hatchet in oblivion !
He stalks slowly off. A prolonged pause follows. Then a
ruddy glare suddenly irradiate* the nceite. This, I
96
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 11, 1903.
believe, can easily lie contrived lj ilmt of some chemical
powder which, when combusted in a tin dish, lo
produce a rather weird effect. H. 13. J.
Capt. Walton (taking h'm hut off). He has cremated him-
self to a cinder! Well, well, de oonia nil nisi mortuum!
(N.I). I am not absolutely cocksure of the correctness of this
luxt classical quotation, so I imll ask Mr. Printer to kindly
see. that it is an pied de la lettre. H. B. J.)
PRINTER'S NOTE. It appears to bo correct Latin.
(The Curtain descends slowly and solemnly.}
FINAL WORDS. The above is of course merely a bald out-
line of a Tragedy which, if it is not actually to render the
Thames in a state of incendiarism, will at least, if I may
waggishly venture the prediction, compel any Fire Offices
in which said river may be insured to raise their premiums
very considerably.
Already I am engaged in important negotiations for the
production of this fine Tragedy, and may soon be at liberty
to make a rather interesting announcement. My first idea
was to have it performed on the Drury Lane stage, which I
am told would be : quite suitable for the purpose, but it
seems that the boards are ; occupied at present with some
Pantomimic entertainment or other, and that this cannot be
suspended even to allow a hearing to a deserving Native
Indian neophyte whose entire fortunes are dependent upon
gaining the plerophory of the profanum vulgus. A pitiful
instance, surely, of pigheaded racial prejudice and want of
ordinary acumen in spotting this insignificant self as the
dark horse who is who knows ? perhaps destined to
regenerate the British Drama ! H. B. J.
TWO THEATRES TO BE "HAMMERED."
IT is announced that " the Court Theatre is in the
Market." 'ARRY observes, "Were it in 'Amarket there
would be more chance for it."
FAREWELL, Lyceum ! old familiar name,
Where VESTRIS sang and CHARLEY MATHEWS played ;
Where of our IRVING first commenced the fame,
And where all wish Sir HENRY could have stayed.
THE MAKING OF MANNERS. In order to start and provide
for the support of English Opera, with head-quarters in
London, why not tax a few luxuries and give the result to
English Opera? Motor-cars, photographs, picture-posters,
and a lot of other things which, coming under the head
(generally) of Customs, would be sacrificed to Manners,
who would then be dissociated from partnership with
" MOODY " that is if the company be still " MOODY-MANNERS "
and would become " Lively Manners, Pleasant Manners,"
and so forth. Yours, Sir,
OMNE IGNOTUM PRO Musico.
THE PROPHETIC POTATO. According' to the December
number of the Board of Agriculture Journal, potatoes in
1900 developed a disease called " anbury," thus anticipating
the appointment of the present President of the Board.
We have heard of sermons in stones, but never before of
prophecies in potatoes.
MUSICAL MEM. We clip the following from Meyers's
Observer, an Enfield paper :
TjlNFIELD CORONATION BAND. Wanted several Members for
-*-^ tlie above ; respectable, steady, and active ; knowledge of music
not necessary. Apply to the Bandmaster, , , Enfield.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
ONE of my Baronites reports : " I have just read Godfrey
Marten, Schoolboy, by CHARLES TUHLEY (HEINEMANN), and can
cordially recommend it to all who can enjoy a story of
school life, where the tone is good and the boys are repre-
sented neither as brutal young barbarians nor sentimental
little prigs. There is nothing mawkish or morbid in the
book; every sentence in it rings true. Godfrey Marten is
liis own historian, and tells us the talc of his successes and
his failures, his fights and his lickings, with delightful
candour and spirit, from his first term as a Lower Fourth
boy at Cliboroogh College, to the day when, as Prefect, a
member of the School Eleven, and ' full-back' in the Fifteen,
he takes his leave, ' feeling very grateful and very sorry.'
And throughout we have an impression of a ' thorough good
sort,' plucky, straight, wholesome the type of boy, in short,
that every father would wish to see represented in his son.
" There is plenty of fun in the book for, as Marten
observes: ' It is all humbug for grown-up people to wag
their heads and say that boys never have a sense of humour
. . . it is there all the same in heaps of fellows.' Which
nobody can deny after reading Godfrey Marten in my
opinion," says my Baronite, "far and away the best and
truest story of life at a Public School since the immortal
Tom Brown's Schooldays."
The story entitled The Shutters of Silence, by G. B.
BURGIN (JOHN LONG), is in its commencement- that is, for
over a hundred pages excellent. As it proceeds the author
becomes somewhat careless in his work, and the novelty,
promised by the original idea, gradually loses the
interest aroused by its freshness, and the narrative drops
into the commonplace style which means tediousness. The
finish is disappointing. The pity of it is that the work is
not up to the attractive title. Tire BARON DE B.-W.
A VALIANT VALENTINE.
THE governess sat in a school-room chair,
Reading a school-room book ;
Her brow was lined with studious care,
She wore a classical look ;
And she frowned at a sound she had heard before
Someone fidgeting at the door.
" Come in ! " she exclaimed, in tones severe.
" Don't fidget there outside.
Now, dear me, JAMES, what brings you here ?
Your shoe-lace is untied.
Head up ! Feet first position, pray.
Hands down ! Now, what have you to say ? "
The baby eyes were blue and sweet
He lifted to her face.
First, he attended to his feet,
And put his hands in place,
Then said, with stiff and rigid spine,
. " Please, will you be my Valentine ? "
Small JIMHIE conquered in a fray
Where a stalwart man would flee.
The governess pushed her book away,
And took him on her knee.
The end of the affair was this
A wistful sigh, a tender kiss.
NOMEX, OMEN. Suggested Chairman for the Committee of
Inquiry into Our Food Supply in time of war : Admiral
Sir WALTER HUNT-GRUBBE, G.C.B.
FEBRUAUY 11, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
97
THE TRIALS OF AN M.F.H.
M.F.1I. "BY Tin: WAY, HOUNDS WILL PROBABLY BE ROUND YOUB WAY TO-MORROW. I SUPPOSE WE MAY DRAW YODR COVERS?"
BounJerley (of tlie City). " WELL AH YOU KNOW, I SHALL BE SHOOTING RABBITS IN THE MORNING, BUT YOU MAY DRAW THEM IN THE
AFTERNOON."
LITTLE FARCES FOR THE
FORCES.
I. DUAL RESPONSIBILITY.
room, in the War Office, of the
Minister of War of the State of
liiiritunia. Through an open door
can l>e seen a passage, with a new
carpet on the floor, and a door in
tin- itpfKixiii' inill iritli. " Commander-
in-('hief" o?i it in bold letters.
Tin' Minister, in a new grey frock-
coat, -in KtttitHj id ii u ri tiny-table
and motions to his Private Secretary
i<> r/osc tin- opi-ii door.
The .Mhiixli'i- (to the Secretary). You
are quite sure that I can assure the
Sobranje at its next sitting that this
State has followed in all respects the
Army Reforms instituted by Great
Britain?
The Secretary. In all respects. By
tin 1 way, Sir, would you like red or blue
facings on your now khaki coat, and
should the lace on the sleeves be silver
or gold ?
The Minister. Really, that is a mutter
for my tailor to decide, not for me.
Besides, there are no more manoeuvres
till the autumn.
[There is a loud knocking at the door.
The Secretary opens it, goes out-
side, remains there for a mimite,
and then returns.
TJie Minister. Well ?
The Secretary (testily). It is the
Commander-in-Chief again, Sir. He
has sent an A.D.C. to ask for a reply
to his letter.
The Minister (searching for the letter
amidst a heap of correspondence). Ah,
er, urn, yes. I wish they wouldn't wear
out that new carpet. Here it is. He says
he holds himself responsible for the
efficiency of the Army, and wants to be
allowed to do something. What next !
The Secretary. This restlessness is
certainly mischievous.
The Minister. What can we let liim
do ? Can't we send him abroad ? Isn't
there a war going on somewhere or
another ?
The Secretart/. We have something
small on hand somewhere about the
Equator.
The Minister. He might issue a
proclamation when he got there saying
that the war was at an end, and come
home again. Then the Sobranje would
have to vote him something handsome.
No, that will not do.
The Secretary. We can send him on
a tour to inspect coaling stations.
The Minister. No, I 've done that
myself. Is there no case of " ragging "
amongst the subalterns of the Guards
for him to devote his mind to ?
The Secretary. I am afraid not, Sir.
Since we made a Sunday School certifi-
cate a sine qud non for candidates for
Sandhurst, Lotto and Spillikins have
become the only pastimes of the House-
hold Brigade.
The Minister. No fires at Sandhurst?
The Secretary. Not since hot-water
bottles have taken the place of grates.
The Minister. Ask him to select
manoeuvre grounds.
The Secretary. They 've all been built
over.
The Minister. Send him to inspect
the Army Corps.
TJie Secretary. The real one, Sir, or
the paper ones ?
The Minister. Oh, any, either, all of
them. Really you are of very little use
unless you can make some suggestion,
and I am sure that A.D.C. outside the
door is kicking holes in the carpet with
his spurs.
The Secretary. We might let him
draw up some regulations as to the
98
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY II, 1903.
conditions under which Generals may stand for a con-
stituency.
The Minister. I should just like to see him interfere in
any such matter.
The Secretary. I have an idea, Sir. When once I was on
leave and visited London I saw a most amusing farce at
one of the theatres. It was titled Tim Heads are Better
than One, and in it a very merry fellow substituted a wooden
head for a real one, and brought matters to a happy conclu-
sion.
The, Minister. I take you. Exactly. Very good. What is
the Commander-in-Chief 's favourite pursuit ?
The Secretary. I gather from the "Society" columns of
the daily papers that he has been very busy lately opening
bazaars.
The Minister. A most innocuous amusement. You can
suggest to him to make, a bazaar-opening tour of the king-
dom, 'and while he is away place a lay-figure by the window
in his room and dress it in a uniform coat and a cocked hat.
The public will then think that our senior officers have at
last consented to wear the dress of their profession ; the
Commander-in-Chief will, I hope, have a very pleasant time,
and I shall carry on the work of the Army free from any
interference on the part of the military Mandarins.
[The Secretary goes to the door. The Minister settles
dmvn to his correspondence.
A GREET SUCCESS.
WELT, does Mr. WILLIAM GREET, an old hand at this sort
of business, keep up the old Cartesian reputation of the
Savoy Theatre for sweetness and light, both in orchestra
and on stage, the latter having rather the advantage over
the former in effective brilliancy. For Mr. GERMAN'S music,
composed for Captain BASIL HOOD'S li hretto of the Princess
of Kensington, flows on in true German fashion, melodiously,
pleasantly, with occasional burlesque Wagnerisms cleverly
introduced, and here and there a brisk catchy dance, always
executed in first-rate style by the three principal danseuses
(with others also uncommonly good), namely, Miss HART
DYKE as Butterfly (most Hartistic), Miss LILY BIRCHAM (how
frightened little schoolboys must be at the mention of her !)
as Dragonfly, and Miss POPPIE WILKINSON as a nameless, but
not an aimless, fairy. The mise-en-scene leaves absolutely
nothing to be desired ; while for the picturesque set of the
Second Act, Wiriklemouth-on-Sea, Mr. W. HARFORD deserves
specially high praise.
In the last Act, the Old Ben of Mr. GEORGE MUPIE, Junior,
in make-up and as a bit of character-acting, is simply a
gem. Except for his socks (with " clocks ! ") he might
have stepped out of one of the Arts and Crafts stories by
W. W. JACOBS.
Miss CONSTANCE DREVER as Kenna, " Oberon's daughter''
the bill informs me (but I should be sorry if any conclusion
of importance depended on my successfully passing an
examination in the details of this story), shows herself a
cantatrice with a sweet voice which she manages within a
measurable degree of perfection. The part makes as little
demand on her histrionic ability as does that of Lieutenant
Brook Green on the possible dramatic talent of the melodioui
tenor Mr. ROBERT EVETT. Except the sailors' quintet
capitally given by Mr. LYTTON (excellent throughout) as
William Jelf, Mr. FINDER as Bill Blake, Mr. CHILDERSTONC
as Will Weathcrly, arid Mr. R. LEWIS as Jem Johnson
which, as far as the words are concerned, is founded on the
quaint old Bideford Ballad (far funnier than Captain BASH
HOOD'S adaptation of it), there is nothing that the dishones
public can carry away.
I had hoped that the old-fashioned "topical song" had beei
quite banished from the Savoy, but " here we are again ! '
t is sung by Mr. WALTER PASSMOKE who, as 7'?/c7;, is perpetu-
ity coming on in some new disguise, when (as H. J. BYRON
said of \VOODIN in his entertainment) he is every time more
ike PASSMORE than ever. He does work hard ! He has,
lowever, a fund of good material, "all in the way of busi-
ness," to draw upon, and, like history, he repents himself
,o the great contentment of the audience. The cream of the
Tin is in the use to which Mr. BASIL HOOD puts Mr. ANSTEY
GUTHRIE'S very original idea (carried out with such admir-
ible humour in his Vice Versa) when he makes the spirit
of the high-falutin' Mountain Spirit, Ithuriel, Mr. ERNEST
TORRENCE, animate the corporeal presence of stolid policeman
fapp, so capitally played by Mr. R. MORAND as literally to
ring down the house, and obtain for him the most unusual
compliment of a recall for his admirable delivery of the
jest speech in the piece. Next in order of merit is the
bove-mentioned quintet of sailors, then all the dances, and
inally the ToM-HooD-like punning ballad given with great
Doint by Miss LOUIE POUNDS, who sang as she looked and
acted, charmingly throughout.
If with nrrpst they threatened
And prison bars, as thief,
I 'd swear to being up a tree
Turn over a new leaf.
And if a punning song I wrote,
As I believe I could,
They'd say, '' You 're like a thief
of note,
For you are robbing HOOD."
In this strain, as Touchstone hath it, " I would rhyme you
so eight years together."
As Mr. Reddish, Mr. CROMPTON is a tower of strength,
over seven feet high ; Mr. ALEC FRASER is a fine Oberon,
and the Titania of Miss OLIVE RAE is a ray of light.
Mr. WILLIAM GREET is to be congreetulated. I do not
think he will have any cause to, as the Scotch say, "greet,"
on account of the Princess of Kan-sing-tune, for whom he
has done so much and acted so liberally.
THE CHILDREN'S FRIENDS.
A RIGHT good Festival Dinner was that of the National
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children on
Wednesday. The QUEEN, God bless her, had sent a special
message of sympathy, and the Lord Chief Justice of
England was in the chair. No better Chairman could have
been chosen than DICK W T EBSTER, the friend of all good
causes. So eloquent was the letter in which he had asked
for subscriptions that it brought the Society a record amount.
No less eloquent was his fine manly speech at the Dinner.
He had left his wig behind him. Probably it was on the
green with the wig of someone else who had ventured to
make disparaging remarks about the Society. The diners
were many and influential. There was a Duke (the gigantic
one of Somerset, the most good-humoured and smiling
gentleman who ever wore strawberry leaves) ; there were
Earls, Judges, Magistrates, and Mayors with their brilliant
badges of office, and there was the Rev. BENJAMIN WAUCH
(" WOFF," the Chairman called him), the great protagonist
in the fight for the children.
As he sipped his simple sherbet and cheered the speakers,
Mr. Punch, could not help picturing in his imagination
another kind of dinner, a might-be feast that can never be,
a huge banquet of all the 800,000 children rescued from
brutality and misery by the noble efforts of the Society.
They appeared to him, some poor and in ragged clothes,
others comfortably garbed, but all with happy, shining
faces. He heard the clapping of their tiny hands and the
cheering of their shrill voices, and he thanked Heaven that
there were men and women who had taken their part,
disdaining misconception and obloquy. So here 's more
power to your elbow, DICK WEBSTER, and more to yours,
Mr. " WOFF," and may you often lift them to restrain or to
punish the ruffians who mishandle children. Let those who
1'Y.BKl \KY 11, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
wish to help tin- mites send their mites
(and they need not make them too
mitey) to the IJev. BIA.IAMIN WAI 1.11,
Leicester Square. I don, \V.C. In
confirmation of which .Mr. Punch hereto
appends his sign manual :
ROMKTIMNi; I. IKK A SMILE.
"Ai-midin^ In llir I'iniii'i'r, an olisrrvaiit
.^poncli-nt ;it 1'i-lhi roiitnliiiti'd the following
tn a native- roiiti -inpi.ran ; 'Lady and Ix>rd
Crn/os Beamed (O have- rn joyed their happiest
clay in thi-ii- joint livc-s when making tin- Stair
Kntiy tin- other day. They were wreathed in
lii-iiinin;' lu'ond contortionate smiles all the
way from fin- railway -':iiioti to the corner of
the Rajpnre road, In-ir tin- procession dowd."
Dail'i Tt-lt 'ini/Ji. ]
DEAR Mu. PUNCH, K\cuse me!
My motive is not sordid.
I send a native Indian " note " 4
Which ought to be recorded.
Please let Lord CURZON know, Sir,
No Indian heart can hate him
So long as he can smile a smile
As thus : (I quote verbatim),
" Lord and Lady CUBZON
In their State Entry here
Seemed to enjoy the happiest day
In all the glad New Year.
The beaming broad contortionate
Smile that they bestowed,
Beached all the way from the Railway
To the corner of the Raj pore Road."
The rhythm 's slightly rugged,
But the sense is clear at least.
I am, Sir PUNCH, Yours truly,
"A LOVER OF THE EAST."
CHARIVARIA.
GENERAL SAMUEL THOMAS, the American
millionaire, lias, by his Will, cut his
son HAROLD off with 20,000.
Lord CLAUD HAMILTON has, with great
modesty, denounced Mr. HANBURY'S state-
ni' nt that all our railways were managed
by ornamental directors.
The movement in favour of Semi-
Teetotalism, which has foritspbject the
abolition of drinking between meals,
continue-, n, i, Kike steady progress, but,
so far, \M\ few publicans have joined
the Committee.
An ugly incident is reported in con-
neei.ion with the Laxnbetlk Procession of
Unemployed. The Committee decided
to deduct a certain proportion of the
takings for expenses, at which the men
threatened to go back to work, and it
was only with the greatest difficulty
that they were persuaded to start.
The elopement of the Crown Princess
of SAXONY has cost M. GIRON a |m-n\
penny, and is likely to cost the Crown
Prince a crown.
HOW THE "BLACK LIST' AFFECTS OUR ARTIST.
Old Woman (who lias been asked to pose as a model). " So YOU 'RE A HARTIST, WHAT?
JUST Lt'OK IN 'ERE A MINUTE, AN' GIVE ME TOUR CANDID OPINION OF lit LATEST PiioTOORArur."
An attempt is being made to ascertain
the numbers of the majority according
to CARLYLE. The first number of a new
magazine entitled The Predictionist a
periodical devoted to National, Political,
and International Prophecies has ap-
appeared, and is asking for subscribers.
A new monthly, to be devoted to the
lady's Toilet Table, will shortly appeal-.
We understand it is to be called The
I'oicdcr Magazine.
A temperance reformer has pi<
that a law shall be passed enacting that
every person entitled to obtain drink
shall have a registered medal, failing
production of which no publican may
serve him. We think it would be
simpler if every such person were made
to wear a distinctive costume, say, of
bright scarlet. The medal might so
easily be mislaid or lost.
A ROUNDEL OF ST. VALENTINE'S WANE.
" \VnKS Valentine held sway, alack !
It was not as it is to-day ;
Love's shafts were keen, his bow not
slack
When Valentine held sway."
So middle-age, now growing gray,
Shaking a head once raven black,
Lets his fond recollections stray.
Yet JILL still somehow finds her JACK,
For wilful woman has her way
Much as she did six lustres back,
When Valentine held sway.
100
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
| Fr.m-AUY 11, 1903.
^ mm
A. "THAT'S JONES'S DAUGHTER WITH mil. SHE'S JITST .vnotrr TO BE MARRIED.'
B. " WHO'S THK I.I-CKY HAN?" A. "JONKS."
A UNION OF HEARTS!
[According to the .S/ui'/ni/ Special the new German representative at
Washington is reported to have said on arriving at New York that
Germany's attitude had been much misunderstood, instead of enter-
taining anti-American feeling, her sentiments towards the United
Stales were those o the warmest cordiality. Germany's hand was
stretched out across the ocean ready to be grasped, so that the bond of
friendship might be strengthened !]
HOSTILE ! Dear friends, the notion is absurd,
These harsh suspicions are entirely groundless.
We love vou, friends, we do vipon my word
In fact, our friendliness is simply boundless.
For you the great heart of the Fatherland
Brims over with disinterested affection,
In time of stress her sympathetic hand
Stretches instinctively in your direction.
How cordial the friendship we displayed
When you and Spain were battering each other !
The demonstrations of regard wo made
Proved clearly that we loved you like a brother.
Or if we acted in n hostile way,
T\vas only to disguise our real feelings,
It isn't what we do but what we say
That really counts in diplomatic dealings.
So now, while sinking Venezuelan ships,
And knocking Venezuelan forts to pieces,
The friendliest words are still upon our lips,
The stream of protestations never ceases.
In this unfortunate imbroglio
You have not fully understood our meaning,
The doctrine called after our friend MONROE
Is one we never dreamed of contravening.
We took the ships, no doubt, but so would you,
We found that they were worthless when we got 'em,
That being so, the only thing to do
Appeared to be to send them to the bottom.
We smashed the forts, but 'twas not wicked pride,
Not arrogance, that made us act as we did,
The practice that assaults like these provide
Is by our German gunners sorely needed.
Turn then, my more than brothers, turn and see
Germany's hand stretched out across the ocean,
Waiting for you to grasp it fervently
In one ecstatic transport of emotion ! ST. J. H.
THKATHIOAL MEM. It was recently stated by the <SV. ./a wr.s'.s
Gazette that Mr. YKED TICKKY'S piece was to lie considerably
benefited by the omission of " the supernatural element.
This may be so ; anyway most spectacular plays would
be improved by the diminution of the natural "super"
element, except when the drilling at rehearsal has been
exceptionally perfect.
irXCII, OR. THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Fi:nm AKY 11, I'.lo.'J.
COSTUME AND COST. ,
MKS. nitn-ANxiA. "REALLY, MR. RLTCIIIK, THIS BILL IS MORE THAN I CAN STAND! I MUST
INSIST ON YOUR TAKINti SoMKTIIIN* ! OFF."
MR. Rnriiii.. "I WILL MAKK ANY RKDUC 'TION I C'A.N, MADAM. I5UT YOU SKH YOU WOULD
IIAVK Sri'II KXI'KNSIVK MATKIM AI.S."
FEBIHAUY 11, L903.]
PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
10.3
JOK'S WAV.
WHILE filibusters with their raids
The nation's conscii'iuv vex
For any fool, as KDWAKD C.HKY
Has put it, can aum x
I have devised a simpler plan
Than painting countries n-d
I simply write my name and town
Across the map instead.
When KITCHENER is Eastward bound,
And wants to sling his hook,
He labels his compartment thus :
" Engaged for Mr. COOK."
But while I like to see my friend
Indulge his merry whim,
" J. CHAMBERLAIN, of Birmingham,"
Kmploys no pseudonym.
Where Bui.LER slowly struggled on
I passed without a check,
Maintaining my mobility
Alike on train and trek.
Though green-eyed GREENWOOD croaked
his worst,
And prophesied my fall,
J. CHAMBERLAIN, of Birmingham,
Came, saw, and conquered all.
No more averse from exercise,
Across the veld I spin,
And every time I meet a Boer,
A loyal friend I win ;
Till even "bitter-enders" learn
That they may safely trust
J. CHAMBERLAIN, of Birmingham,
As strong and straight and just.
Twas easy going in Natal,
'Twas harder on, the Rand ;
At Kimberley and Bloemfontein
The atmosphere was grand :
And though a toughish task remains
Before I breast the tape,
J. CHAMBERLAIN, of Birmingham,
Will round (or square) the Cape.
And oh, if e'er invading hordes
Should land upon our coast,
And Great Britannia, brought to bay,
Give up her sacred ghost ;
Upon the tablets of her heart,
f '11 bet a thousand pound,
"J. CHAMBKRLAIN, of Birmingham,"
Will certainly be found.
COMPANION PICTURES.
[" The publican stated that already the police
had circulated forty-seven photographs of
' Mack-listers.' His barmaid was new to her
duties, and not good at identifying photo-
graphs." Daily Paper, February 2.
" The constable explained that the prisoner
had been more or less intoxicated ever since he
had been placed upon the ' black-lisi .' As a con-
sequence, his friends seemed 1 take a pleasure
in giving him drink."- /><///// I'npcr, Feb. 3.]
FIRST SCENE Inside a refreshment-bar.
TIME Towards the close of this
year.
Well - conducted Citizen (enlrrhi'i
h(tMt<li/\ Small Seotch-und-soda, please.
JOE-HIS MARK!
[In tin- Visitors' Rook at. the De Beers Mine our Travelling ('nmmissicmor signed his
name " .T. CHAMBERLAIN, Birmingham."]
Barman. In a minute, Sir.
[Disappears behind screen. Interval.
Well-conducted One (thumping on
counter). Here, I say, be quick ! I Ve
got a train to catch.
Baivnan (reappearing, with several
weighty albums in hisarms). Beg pardon,
Sir, but we have to be careful nowadays.
Before I serve you I must make quite
sure that you are not an Habitual
Drunkard.
Well-conducted (exploding). Habitual
Drunkard, indeed ! Look here, do you
or don't you mean to bring me that
Scotch-and-soda ?
B.arman (gazing earnestly in turn at
the Customer and one of the photograph-
albums, the pages of which he turns
over slowly). No ; ean't say that I see
any picture of you Jiere. We '11 try
another volume. (Does so.) Not on
this page, at any rate ; nor on hullo !
Got you! Here's your living image!
Look!
Customer (furiously). What do you
mean, Sir? Do you dare to say that
that this photo of a dirty scallywag
is a likeness of me ?
Barman. Certain of it. You 've got
no beard, of course, and lie has but
beards are shaved off easy enough ; his
hair is dark, seemingly, while yours -is
a kind of mustardy dyed, no doubt,
which makes the case all the clearer.
Wonderfid photograph, I call it. Yes :
" WILLIAM SNARK, aged 40, no occupa-
tion ; put on Black List March, 1903."
That 's who you are, right enough !
Customer (nearly speechless with rage).
Here 's here 's my card and 1 '11
have you prosecuted for slander by
Jove, I will ! A churchwarden known
and respected throughout Peckham
confused with a dirty, drunken, disso-
lute ruffian ! [Turns to go.
Barman (leaping across counter and
intercepting him). Not so fast, old cock !
A Habitual Drunkard that 's what you
are trying to purchase drink contrary
to the Act ! [Seizes him by the collar.
[At this moment, enter two of the
Well-conducted One's most respect-
able friends and neighbours.
Tableau. (Curtain.)
SECOND SCENE Outside the bar. First
Toper standing in the road. Enter
Second Toper.
Second Toper. Hullo, Jim ! Come
and have a drink !
First Toper (sadly). It 's no go I 'm
" blacklisted," bless you !
Second Toper. Oh, we '11 soon make
that right ! (Enters bar ; reappearing
a few minutes later with bottle under
his arm.) Here you are you gives me
a tanner and takes your fill o' that !
Yah ! Acts of Parliament, indeed !
'Twill take a-manv Acts to keep me an'
my pals from their liquor !
[The tiro proceed to demonstrate this
tntt/i. (Curtain.)
104
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 11, 1903.
PILGRIMS TO THE EAST.
VII. RECESSIONAL.
Luchnow: January 12. We have
had a regal or, more strictly, Viceregal
time; and now our weary brains, a
very palimpsest of impressions each
more indelible than the last, are free to
taste surcease i if pageantry ; and we feel
what OUTRAM'S garrison once felt in this
neighbourhood, a certain sense of relief.
Naturally we have fallen a little from
our high estate ; the livery of our coach-
men no longer inspires uncontrollable
envy in the passer-by ; and I cannot
find that any arrangements have been
made for the troops to line the roads for
us here as they were lined at Delhi ;
but at least we can oversleep ourselves,
if we choose, without fear of reproach
for having missed some spectacle im-
exampled in the history of the Empire.
On Thursday K. OF K. gave an
admirably rehearsed performance with
about thirty thousand of his command.
Notable among the Native Princes who
led their Imperial Service troops in the
march-past were BIKANIR, with his
Camel Corps, the veteran NABHA, and
little PATIALA on a white pony at the
head of his Sikh Lancers. When at the
end the cavalry and guns, with a front
of something like half a mile, came on
at a hand gallop, line upon line, towards
the saluting base, with just an interval
for the dust to clear, then halted at a
signal, wheeled outward left and right,
and re-formed for the final massed
advance, there were emotions stirred in
Grand Stand A. (directly in the line of
progress), which. I, with all my martial
experience as a private in the " Devil's
Own," am impotent to record.
Friday was practically an off-day,
with nothing spectacular except the
finals of the Army Football Cup, and
the International Polo Tournament ; an
exhibition in the elements of the latter
art by Gilgits and Manipuris and wild
Chitrali horsemen ; and an evening
party at the Viceroy's to meet the
Native Princes. Here the chief attrac-
tion was an almost unique collection of
Burmese Potentates, cased in stiff
flounces of brocaded gold, surmounted
by a headpiece modelled on the lines
of a pagoda. Their features betrayed
an apathetic sense of boredom tempered
by wondering pity, and, in the case of
one small lady, by profound suspicion
when someone offered her a Christian
sandwich.
The next day we took our State
Departure with much pomp and circum-
stance. The scene recalled the brilliant
ceremony of the State Entry, though
shorn of much of the majesty of that
opening pageant by the unavoidable
absence of the elephants, a class of animal
which is almost always out of place on
a railway platform. High officials, civil
and military, in the full paint respec-
tively of peace and war, together with
Native Princes, "empearled and orient "
(as ROSSETTI has it), breathed valedictions
as the VICEROY'S Special, to the roar of
guns and tbe music of the National
Anthem, moved out of Delhi with the
Two Pilgrims attached. At Gawnpore,
after dinner in the train, we said fare-
wells and most inadequate thanks, and
in the middle of the night slipped out
between two slumbering Aides at
Lucknow Station, and resumed our
intermitted course of private obscurity.
We have made our pilgrimage to the
Residency. We have seen the Bailey
Guard where COLIN CAMPBELL led in
his relief; the water-gate by which
KAVANAGH passed out on his perilous
mission ; and the lofty vaults (the
women's shelter) from which JESSIE
BROWN was first to catch the distant
skirling of the pipes of the 93rd.
" And ever aloft on the palace roof the
old banner of England blew." And
there it blows to-day.
Owing to the other Pilgrim's infatua-
tion for painted mud dolls I have been
dragged through the most confined and
evil-smelling bazaar that I have yet
penetrated ; but now that he is recum-
bent on his couch, working off a sort of
Durbar afterglow, a fashionable malady
attributed to the mica in the dust of
Delhi, I am at leisure to collect and
analyse my rude impressions of the
problem of our Indian Empire.
One needs a woman's instinct for
fonning judgments untrammelled by
experience of facts. Yet from the ladies
of our party, in the brief lucid intervals
snatched from public functions and
heavy meals, I gathered less wisdom on
this topic than 1 could have wished ; so
absorbing was their passion for the
purchase of " barbaric pearl and gold ";
so breathless their desire to possess a
blob of emerald larger than anyone
else's.
I am sorry I found so little help in
this quarter, as the problem is a difficult
one. For instance, as I step through
my bedroom window I encounter a
prophet who insists on telling my
fortune. A merchant, established in a
squatting attitude on the verandah,
urges the advantage to me of obtain-
ing a Kashmir shawl and an oriental
bed-cover at three times their intrinsic
value. A third gentleman, professing
the occult arts, is prepared, by illusive
methods, to produce a live chicken from
the depth of my back hair or either of
my trouser-pockets. A fourth calls my
attention to the merits of a mongoose
which he extricates from a brush-and-
comb bag, at the same time exhibiting
a cobra (ignored by the mongoose),
which rises from a basket and takes a
long sinister look at me with the back
of his pictorial head. Certainly the
native question presents extraordinary
difficulties.
Benares: January 13. We have
made our way through a villainous
crowd, and gone as near as the profane
may go to the Holy of Holies of the
Monkey Temple. These chartered liber-
tmes are a privileged adjunct of the
shrine, and clamber at large about the
sacred precincts with proprietary airs
that give a touch of dignity to their
secular preoccupations ; yet I am almost
sure that, unless you are brought up to
it from early youth, the taste for wor-
shipping in an unregulated community
of monkeys, however sacrosanct, is not
easy to acquire. The priest, who refused
us admission to the shrine, kindly offered
to compensate iis with garlands of flowers
at a reasonable rate of baksheesh. A
lower rate was accepted by some snake-
charmers who stood, like Laocoon,
wreathed in forbidding reptiles while
we secured their photographs.
Then, being taken to the Ganges, and
accommodated in wicker chairs on the
roof of a parody of a house-boat, we
were rowed up and down the line of
ghats below the staggering minarets
that tower about the long wide flights
of riverward steps ; and saw the burning
of the dead and the picturesque ablu-
tions of the quick. To-morrow, as I
understand, is one of the great washing-
days of the year, and an eager concourse
of pilgrims will be at pains to purify
themselves in the sacred river just
where it receives the sewage of this
capital of the Hindu faith. But the
Two Pilgrims of this tale may not assist
at these immersions, as they will be
moving on before the dawn.
By courtesy of the officials of the
Oudh and Rohilkhand Railway (and I
should like my recent reflections on
Indian Railways to be applied to the
directors only and not to their over-
worked and undermanned European
staffs) our carriage, which is for the
time our nomad gipsy-van, lies in its
camping-ground (some camels are repos-
ing close by under a great moon)
waiting to be hitched on to the night
mail for Calcutta, the bourne of our
Eastward travels. O. S.
CHARIVARIA. No fewer than five hun-
dred and sixty-three small boys are said
to have died from sudden excitement on
reading of a Gigantic Pie, made for the
Consumers' Pie Baking Company's
annual dinner in New York, which
weighed 110 Ibs., and contained 200eggs,
15 Ibs. of cocoanut, G Ibs. of mincemeat,
G Ibs. of cranberries, 12 Ibs. of lemons,
6 Ibs, of pine-apple, 6 Ibs. of plums,
G Ibs. of peaches, and 50 Ibs. of sugar.
FKBIUAKY 11, 1803.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
lor,
CUPID THE CHAUFFEUR.
A VALENTIN K- DAY'S JOURNEY.
-----
10G
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 11, 1903.
FEBRUARY 14.
Mistress. " So YOU WANT ME TO READ THIS LOVE-LETTER TO YOU ? "
Maid. "!F YE I'LAZE, MAM. AND I'VE BROUGHT YE SOME COTTON-WOOL YE CAN STTTFF IN YEB
EARS WHILE YE BADE IT ! "
LITERATURE IN BIRMINGHAM.
(Or Oliver asking for too mueh.)
[The Birmingham Daily Post says: "Sir
OLIVER LODGE described much of what was
used in primary schools for reading purposes
as perfect rubbish. It was simply twaddle and
dissipated energy. He commended the litera-
ture of SCOTT, MEREDITH, STANLEY HOPE, and
others."]
IT is much to be regretted that the
report does not tell us who the others
were. We hope that the Principal of
Birmingham University did not fail to
" commend " such admirable writers as
ANTHONY LANG, CUTCLIFFE CAINE, BARRY
CORELLI, and RlJDYARD STEVENSON. MERE-
DITH in primary schools may be expected
to lead to dialogues such as follows :
Mrs. O'Rourke, TOMMY, ye young
spalpeen, why aren't ye home from the
school sooner ?
Tommy (aged ten, and reading MERE-
DITH at school). Wullahy, thou witty one,
that feignest not to know, I was de-
tained obedient to smart taps from the
commanding baton of the pedagogue.
Mrs. O'R. Ye limb, come here ! I '11
tache ye to spake to yer mother so !
Tommy. 'Tis true, mother. I pina-
fored a jigging eagerness, once released,
and swam towards you on the tide of
desire.
Mr. O'E. Take that, then ! and larn
to keep a dacent tongue in yer head.
.'Tommy (howling). Ohl'Ooh! Oh!
This is indeed beyond the ordinary
dactylology of parents.
ROYALTY'S KING IN "A SNIJG} LITTLE KINGDOM."
To those who are not so blase as to be unable to enjoy a
good plain-sailing homely comedy, excellently played by ah 1
concerned in its representation, we unhesitatingly recom-
mend MAHK AMBIEXT'S unpretentious three-act play entitled
A Snug Little Kingdom, at the Royalty Theatre. And we
will pledge our word for it that such of the play-going
public as adopt, in regard to this piece, a " policy of absten-
tion," will have cause for regretting the loss of a great
opportunity afforded them by Mr. CHARLES WARNER, who,
as Ben Kershaw, gives one of the finest bits of acting that,
with the unique exception of Sir HENRY IRVING as Corporal
Brewster, we can recall since ROBSON played in The Porter's
Knot and Daddy llardacre. Here is an instance of the actor
completely losing his individuality in the eccentricities of
the character he is representing. Those who are most
intimately acquainted witli the personality of CHARLES WARNER
will fail to recognise it in Ben Kershaw. So admirable
is the make-up, and so entirely changed his manner, that
not a trace of CHARLES WARNER can be detected. It is
perfect comedy. His heartiness, his high-spirited fun, his
buoyancy, his genuine manly pathos, hold the house from
the first moment of his appearance, which is not until the
middle of the piece, to the fall of the curtain. His stage-
management, for the play is announced as " Produced by
Mr. CHARLES WARNER," is most effective, and there is not a
single member of the company but contributes propor-
tionately to the general success.
Mr. LYN HARDING tactfully renders the decidedly difficult
part of Bernard Gray ; and Mr. H. B. WARNER, as his
brother Hubert, gives a life-like impersonation of a young
man whose character, at the commencement of his career, has
yet to be influenced for good while inclining, in the most
naturally pleasant manner possible, towards " the bad,"to
which it is evident he may so easily go. The part could
not be better played.
Miss MAUDE BANKS, as " a chorus girl," fellow-lodger and
youthful protegee of the kind-hearted composer, Bernard
Gray, sings sweetly and plays charmingly the part of an
innocent girl in upper-class Bohemia, to which happy land,
on the outskirts of society, hero and heroine belong.
Miss NANCY PRICE, playing too much to the audience and
so, frequently, putting herself "out of the picture," makes
the designing hospital nurse, Sister Hope, rather too palpably
" a wrong ' un "; yet the absence of this unessential char-
acter, representing the " superfluity of naughtiness," would
lie, for reasons which will be at once evident to the ex-
perienced actor or dramatist, a distinct loss to the piece.
Miss WOOLOAR MELLON, as Amelia, the little maid of all
work, is a sharply drawn suggestive sketch ; while Mrs.
CHAKLES CALVERT as Mrs. Blower, the soft-hearted lodging-
house keeper who has seen better days, is here, as always,
inimitable.
This play, as at present cast with Mr. CHARLES WARNER
in the principal role, should be seen, as we have insisted,
by all who can appreciate such fine acting as his, who
in A Snug Little Kingdom, is monarch of all he surveys,
and whose right to the title there will most assuredly be
" none to dispute."
CHARIVARIA. It is reported that a Cork steamer has sunk.
Fi:i!itr\i:v 11, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
107
I1H II I WAYS AND BYWAYS.
XVII. Tin: Y.uv/ix.
Tiii'-. auctioneer is ;i large oily man
uilli a carefully curled fringe. From
i lie ( >lvni|>iaii eminence of bis wooden
platform hi' regards with a smile of sail
superiority the somc>wliat, unsavoury
crowd beneath, who have allowed one
ul their number unchallenged to pur-
chase a terra-cotta Cavalier, with black
moustaches attached, for one-and-nine-
pence.
" Appreciation o' IFart," remarks the
auctioneer to a venous marble clock of
an unhealthy appearance on the shelf
beside him, " it 'a dead. People don't
know Hart, when they see it. One-and-
ninepence. Dead and gone. Now,
'ere "s a pair of 'and some porcelain
dishes. Stylish. Some class about
these."
The auctioneer steps back three paces
and gazes with his head oil one side at
the two jaundiced-looking saucers before
him, 1 then' looks at the crowd again.
"'And a bit, of jam about," he sug-
inaaaatmgly.
At this the more prominent of the
two assistants, who among other func-
tions performs that (evidently considered
iry by the company) of Comic
Relief to the proceedings, pauses in his
progress through the crowd with the
terra-cotta Cavalier under his arm?
"Afternoon tea in the drorin'-room,"
he cries in falsetto tones, "oh dear
This temptation proves too great for
a lady of social aspirations \vhom I
remember seeing not ten minutes ago
discussing a repast of whelks at a stall
with considerable relish, and who now
paves the way for her advancement in
Society by securing the pair of jaun-
diced saucers for elevenpence-halfpenny.
Meanwhile, the Comic Assistant has
delivered the terra-cotta Cavalier to its
purchaser, after kissing it loudly on the
moustache and addressing it as " Gus,"
which pleases the crowd hugely. The
new owner of the Cavalier ties it care-
fully in a spotted red handkerchief, and
departs with it, into the comparatively
fresh air of the slum outside, followed
almost immediately by the ambitious
lady with her saucers. The auctioneer
has assumed an expression of dreadful
importance.
"Now ladies an' gentlemen," he
observes, " it 's nearly closing time, but
I 'm going to give yon a reely good
chance as the last thing. Let 's 'ave
No. 59, FHF.D."
The second assistant, a tragically
depressed-looking youth in flannel shirt-
sleeves, approaches the shelf and places
on the table before his principal a, large
pair of vases of a shiny magenta
surface, breaking out hcre'and there
into a kind of pink erupt ion. The
auctioneer contemplate.-, them with un-
disguised admiration.
"I don't like to let a pair like that
go at a Auction," he murmurs to him
>elf absently "I don't indeed."
There is a pause while everybody
watches the auctioneer, obviously en
re mental struggle.
"Oh, well," he says eventually with
a sigh, still thinking aloud, "they've
got to go, I suppose. Dear, dear."
He recalls himself to his surroundings
with a start.
"Now, ladies and gentlemen," he
announces, " I 'm going to close to-
night's proceedings by offering this pair
of extraordinary 'andsome vaw/i/. No
rubbish 'ere, as anybody with 'alf an
eye can see. If there 'a anybody ere
who knows anything alxwt vaw/.iz, VI 1
show it now. What 's bid for the pair'.'
Come, I '11 give yer a start at two
pounds."
" Start at two pounds," echoes the
Tragic Assistant in hollow tones.
"Two quid fer the slop-bisins,"
observes the Comic Assistant.
There is no answer from the crowd,
a reputation as Art Connoisseur evi-
dently being considered too dear at the
price.
" There 'a a man dahn at Better-
sea ' begins the Comic Assistant.
" I don't mind telling you on the
strict Q.T.," says the auctioneer in a
generous burst of confidence, " that this
is the biggest bargain of the evening.
Beautiful work."
Again there is silence.
" There 's a man dahn at Better-
sea " resumes the Comic Assistant.
"If the artist," breaks out the auc-
tioneer eloquently, " that decorated
these vawziz could see them 'ere now,
'e 'd shed tears of of remorse."
" There 'a a man dahn at Bettersea,"
says the Comic Assistant rapidly.
" that 'd give five pahnds if 'e could
see them two vawziz. 'E 's blind, pore
feller."
This is provocative of merriment, but
no bids follow.
"Come, ladies and gentlemen,"
resumes the auctioneer, "surely there 's
some person 'ere that knows something
about vawziz. Somebody bid what V
thinks they 're worth."
At this a very bricky gentleman next
to me, who for the past ten minutes has
been mistaking my shoulder for the
wall of a public-house, suddenly opens
his eyes and observes, "Tanner."
Everybody looks at the auctioneer,
who is plainly wondering whether he is.
dreaming.
"Gentlemen, gentlemen," he says
eventually. "I don't mind a joke, but
it 's wasting our time, and we 've none
to lose. Is nobody going to make a
;:ible offer for these magnificent
1
Hereupon my bricky neighbour once
more opening his eyes ohsen es, "Two
tanners."
The auctioneer, searching the crowd,
lixes me with a disgusted eye. Kveiilu-
ally somebody in front bids live shil-
lings.
" Five shillings," repeats the auc-
tioneer with resignation, picking up his
hammer. %
"Five shillings," ecln; the Tragic and
Comic Assistants. "Who says six?
Anybody say six '{ "
" Six," suddenly observes the 'bricky
man from my shoulder.
The bidder in front, after a prolonged
inward struggle says, "Seven," but on
this being promptly capped by my
neighbour with "Eight," retires from
the conflict, and the vases are knocked
down to the bricky man, who, worn out
with the 1 excitement, collapses (as 1 a
result, of my prudent withdrawal) .upon
the nearest stranger's shoulder.
The auctioneer announces the close ol
the evening's sale, and 'the crowd drift
in a body towards the street. .The
Comic Assistant carries the -vases over
to the bricky man, and, addressing him
as 'EifHF.irr,' requests the payment of
eight bob.
"Whaffor?" demands the bricky
man.
"Whaffor? Why fer the vaw/.i/.
'ere," returns the other.
The bricky man eyes them with
fastidious disapproval.
" I don't like "em," he observes.
"They ain't tasty enough fer me."
The Comic Assistant loses all inten-
tional comicality.
"You bought "cm," he says, eyeing
his man narrowly.
The bricky man waves a bricky hand
airily.
" Not tasty enough fer me," he
reix-ats. " I ain't goin' t' 'ave "em."
"Mr. 'EAHNE," calls the assistant.
The auctioneer descends from ( Hyuipus
md approaches the pair. The assistant
explains.
" I ain't goin' t' 'ave "em," says the
bricky man with finality.
" What d' yer want to bid eight
shillings for 'em, then?" demands the
inctioneer.
" Eight tanners 1 bid," returns the
bricky man. " I ain't goin' t' 'ave 'em.
They ain't taMy enough fer me, [ said
so ter my pal 'ere" the bricky man
p lints vaguely towards the doorway
"d'recly 1 saw "em."
The auctioneer turns away.
" Let 'ini go, DICK," he says.
"You're a nice sorter feller," com-
uents the assistant, "ter go abalit
hiiyin' vaw/ij!, you are."
At this moment there is a commotion
108
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 11, 1903.
among the group which has
lingered outside the doorway,
and a loud female voice is
heard.
" 'Oo 's tryin' ter rob my
'usband on Saturday night?
Let me get through ! "
The group opens, and a
purple-faced lady forces her
way through to the entrance
and addresses the assistant.
" You try ter t rob my
'usband, young man, that 's
all," she screams, " an' you 'U
'ear of it. What is it, CUTH-
BERT ?"
"CUTHBERT" appearing in-
capable of an explanation, the
assistant relieves him of the
task with alacrity.
" Vawziz ? " exclaims the
lady. "What's a pore workin'
man want with vawziz ? "
" What 's 'e wanter go
buyin' vawziz for ? " demands
the assistant.
" Wodder you wanter go
seilin' 'em for?" returns the
lady.
Here the bricky man puts
in a word.
"They ain't good vawziz,"
he remarks i ncoherently ;
" they 're bad vawziz."
" You can shut yer 'ead,
CIJTHBERT," observes his
spouse, "an' get 'ome. Go on
get 'ome."
CUTHBERT departs hazily
through the crowd. This gives the
assistant time to think. " We shall sell
elephants if we want to," he declares.
"Oh no yer wouldn't, not you,"
returns the lady in scorn, " not with
llie pWcv about."
"Oh yes we would," replies the
assistant.
The lady regards him with exag-
gerated contempt. " Sellin' elephants
an' vawziz with a face like a fryin'-
pan," she observes.
" We shall sell vawziz if we want
to," says the assistant.
SENTIMENTAL.
Extract from Letter on Valentine's Day : " SINOE LAST WE MET, A
GREAT CHANGE HAS COME OVER ME :
'I GIVE TOD ALL, I CAN NO MORE,
THOUGH POOR THE OFFERING BE ! '
" I FEND YOU MY LAST HAIR WITH ALL MY HEART ! "
time she recovers somewhat.
"Vawziz an' elephants," she
mutters, " with a face like a
fryin'-pan ! "
Then, readjusting her bon-
net, she departs in a state of
indignation rendered tolerable
by triumph , the crowd making
way for her' with marked
respect.
' Where are you going to, my pretty maid ?
we shall buy 'em if we
returns the lady trium-
: Yes, an'
wants to,"
phantly.
" DICK ! " suddenly calls the auctioneer
from Olympus, " shut up the shop."
The assistant edges the purple-faced
lady and the foremost of the crowd back
into the street, and proceeds with
despatch to put up the shutters. The
lady's tones become shriller.
" Tryin' to sell vawziz an' elephants,"
s!n> screams, "ter pore workin.' men
with seven children ter keep."
" We can't 'elp yer kids," returns
tin.' assistant, adjusting the last shutter
with n bang.
" We 're English people, we are, an'
we earn our livin'," states the lady con-
clusively. " D' yer want us to starve
our children for elephants? "
There is a strong feeling among the
crowd, which is increasing in size, that
the auctioneer and his assistants expect
too much when they expect this. Un-
fortunately at this moment the assistant
retreats inside the shuttered shop, and
bolts the small door with a good deal of
noise. The purple-faced lady's scorn at
this cowardly act is so acute that I
am in fears that it may permanently
injure both breathing organs. After a
TEMPORA, MORES!
[The President of one of the big
American Universities lias declared
that our educational institutions
cannot do without a "judicious bit
of advertising."]
SHOULD our University au-
thorities fall in with this idea,
we beg to submit the follow-
ing specimen advertisement
for their consideration :
EDUCATION.
GAMALIEL COLLEGE, OXFORD.
Established over COO years.
A HIGH-CLASS College for the
sons of gentlemen and others,
where young men are trained
to be refined and cultured.
The College is beautifully
situated in a "Broad" tho-
roughfare, and the buildings
are modern and convenient.
Every care and comfort.
Nice Garden.
Excellent Cuisine.
" Weekly Battles," " Scout-
ing" and other tactics.
Parents desirous of sending their
sons to College should first write to the
Master for a Prospectus and Scale of Fees.
Our latest successes include :
LORD CURZON, VICEROY OF INDIA ; and
The runner-up in the Amateur Ping-
Pong Championship.
Train meets every bus.
N.B. -No connection with somewhat
similar establishments next door and
opposite.
.
FEBIIUARY l.s, L903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
109
X
IMPROVEMENTS AT THE ZOO.
A LITTLE BIT OF GOSSIP FROM THOSE CHATTERING MONKEYS.
[Tlii- Committee of Inquiry suggest that telephonic communication should be etftublished in tin- Hardens.]
"THE PLAY THAT SUCCEEDED."
INASMITII as I had no recollection of ever having read
l!i HY.MMI KiiM.iN(;'s l.iijlil ill/it Failed, "my state" was "the
mi ire gracious," seeing that I approached the drama, which
has been founded ii pi in this novel, by Mr. GEORGE FLEMING,
and recently produced at the Lyric Theatre, with an entirely
open mind. It is a play not of action but of character.
The two leading parts, that of the artist, Dick Helder, who
goes blind, and of Mit'inf, with whom he is devotedly in
love, are admirably played by Mr. FORBES ROBERTSON and
Miss Gi in in DK ELLIOTT. Most difficult is the task of an actor
who nndertakes to impeisonate a man gradually losing his
sight and then to impress vividly upon the audience that he
has become blind. In doing this, Mr. FORBES RoiiKinsoN as
the artist, gifted with indomitable pluck, deeply loving yet
ob-imately proud, touches the audience and wins their
sympathy. \Vith such force does Miss GERTRUDE ELLIOTT
show the vanity, right-heartedness, and \vrong-headedness of
.Wi///c, that not. until the last scene of the last Act, where
her pride has been conquered by her real love, does the
audience completely realise the character, and evince by
their plaudits, on the descent of the curtain, their thorough
appreciation of the touch of nature with which the actress,
inspired as a true artist, puts the finishing touch to a perfect
realisation of the author's intention.
\ot a word too much can be said in praise of the frank,
honest rendering of the artist's staunch friend, Cilbert
Torpenhow, by Mr. AUBREY SMITH. As for the gutter girl,
Ht'xxie Broke, of Miss NINA BOUCICAULT, it is a miniature
masterpiece. "The Red-haired Girl" who, like Macbeth' a
"deed," is "without a name," is given more significance
than such an excrescent part deserves by Miss MARGARET
I hi SI-AX, who, got up in the Pre-Rapliaelitish style once
iear to the early Burne-Jonesian school, represents in
finished style an unfinished design.
Mr. SYDNEY VALENTINE as "Nilghai" (whatever this may
portend), is as excellent as any " Xilghai " could l>c. lie
is made up so as closely to resemble Mr. I'nneh'a artist
whose Pre-hifltoric Peeps have rendered him famous. As
both "draw," the resemblance is complete. Mr. KRVNK
BICKI.EY as De.eni'H, Mr. 1 >ANSKY as CtiMxurflti, Mr. MACDONM.D
as Mackenzie, Mr. VEKNON as l';'//.-r//f, Mr. H\KK<U.I> as
Raynor, Mr. FARREN, .Inn. as lii'do/i, and Mr. GRAHAM as
"A Young Man" ("from the country V "), all professional
newspaper correspondents, form a rather comic and very
noisy chorus, a kind of " press-gang," whose op|x>rtunities
wiU, it may te fairly expected, be considerably reduced
during the run of the piece. Probably, too, some of the
strong expressions will IK- excised, the pi ere K'ing suffi-
ciently strong in itself without them. They may lie in
l!i M.utu Kli'UNii's original text, and, if so, there let them
remain. That, the audience waited till after the final fall
of the curtain, and called and recalled the principals, is
sufficient evidence of Mr. FORME-* KOHKKISON'S having secured
a play which should achieve |x>pnlarity.
MR. PI-NTH AND THE " LONDON SCHOOLS DINNER ASSOCIATION."
Excellent object in view. All should assist. All should
support Lord KEAY'S appeal, which was made in Keayl
earnest. And isn't the title of what may be termed The
Festive Board appropriate, seeing it is "The Joint Com-
mittee- for Underfed Children"? Poor children, with whom,
indeed, as Hamlet observed, " the times are out of joints "
which substitution of the plural may be singular, but it will,
we trust, be true as regards the supply to the " I'nderfed :"
\llltli.n Mild llrrl
Will hrin^r relief
To all much in need uf good cheer,
And uddi-il In i!
Come bread and
With likewise a drop of good beer!
So here 's a health to Lord UEAY and Mr. ELLIOTT, and may they
get plenty of s. d. for the " London Schools Dinner " Co!!
110
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 18, 1903.
AT THE ARTS AND CRAFTS.
(A Sketch from the New Gallery.)
IN THE CENTRAL Il.u.i,.
A Mid-Victorian Matron (to I/a' niece, </< '/'.</ come to a
massive overmantel and ehimney-piece ni ci>i>pcr, with
wrought-iron supports). Upon my word, Caroline, when I
was a girl, even a copper coalscuttle was considered only fit
for the kitchen and now they seem to be making dining-
room mantelpieces of it ! I wonder what the next fashion
will be !
Caroline (looking at some cherubs and a border of pome-
granates in high relief). But still, Auntie, there 's a great
deal of work in it, isn't there ?
The M.-V. M. Work ? I should think there was, indeed !
I pity the poor girl who '11 have to keep that bright. Can
you make out the inscription in the middle of it ?
Caroline (reading the legend in raised lettering on tin'
central shield). "Wit fancies Beauty, Beauty raisoth Wit."
The M.-V. M. H'm well, it may be very clever, but I don't
see the appropriateness of it, and I prefer a mirror myself
to any motto !
A Simple-minded Wife (to her husband, as they encounter
a formidable rectangular piano in plain oak, with wrought-
iron decorations and an austere exterior). Don't tell me you
admire that, EUSTACE !
Eustace (who cultivates a tone of subtle irony that she has
no ear for). Certainly I do, AUDREY. It is the latest achieve-
ment of artistic design. Evidently inspired by the severe
simplicity of the common packing-case.
Audrey. Oh ? I suppose that 's why they 've only
painted the inside or perhaps they hadn't time to finish
it. I wish I could read the writing that goes winding all
among the flowers and things, but I can't find where it
starts from. It looks like Poetry.
Eustace. It probably is ; poetry being the handmaid of
Decorative Art but it strikes me the poor thing is made to
do rather too much running about.
Audrey. But where 's the sense in having great heavy
folding-doors with metal clamps in front of the keys ?
Eustace. To protect the piano. They only open to a
secret countersign. You see, if- the greatest precautions
weren't taken, some profane person might get in and strum
"San Toy" or " The Honeysuckle and the Bee" on it--and
it would be weeks before it got over it !
Audrey (with a flash of inm/Jit). I 'm sure you 'vc made
all that up. Anyhow, I won't have any folding-doors to my
piano ! [They pass on tou-ards the North Gallery.
A Commonsensible Visitor. Extraordinary thing these
fellows don't get some practical man to help 'em. Now,
look at this piano. I should like to know how you 'd ever
attach a Pianola to it !
[And it must be admitted that such a parasite, however
insidious and tenacious, would probably find this
particular piano rather an awkward customer.
IN THE NORTH GALLERY.
The M.-V. M. (examining a mat laid down in one of the
.recesses). I don't object to tliat so much it 's what I call a
cheerful pattern. (Which it certainly is as it represents a
\winding river full of boats and fish, with villages, farms,
;<fcc., along the banks, where ploughing and fox-hunting are
'being carried on by the somewhat orersized riparian owners,
''the whole depicted in lively hues.) Are they asking anything
at all reasonable for that, CAROLINE?
Caroline (re fen-ing to Catalogue). K.K. " The River Mat"
;hearthrug. Twenty-five pounds, Auntie.
The M.-V. M. Pounds ! And 7 remember your poor
Grandmother having a rug with a Lion Hunt worked on it
is natural as life, and I don't suppose it cost her as many
ehillingB, Well, well, it only shows how these things have
gone up in price, my dear !
Audrey (inspecting an oak arm-chair with a straight back,
and arms, upholstered with layers of crimson morocco set off
'jy serried brax* iiailK with no nonsense about them). That's
not my idea of an easy-chair, EUSTACE ; it don't look at all
omf'y.
Eustace. You 're such a little Sybarite. I assure you that
i mediaeval hermit with a penance or two to work off would
just slip on a hair-shirt and sit in that chair for hours on
:nd, as cosy as possible !
Audrey. People don't do those things nowadays, though.
Eustace. They '11 be doing 'em before long in some of our'
happy English Art homes. Let me draw your attention to
this ingenious writing-table luxury without ostentation,
you see.
Audrey. EUSTACE ! When it has tall posts with flat tops
at each corner and four smaller ones in the middle ! What
can be the use of them ?
Eustace. Why, those are stands to put pewter clocks and
wrought-iron candlesticks and Art pottery on, of course. And
whenever you want to cudgel your brains, you 've only to
jog the table. " Tout ce quil faut pour ecrire," as the
French plays put it.
Audrey. Well, it may be very artistic, but I call it most
inconvenient.
Eustace. Don't be so captious. If you 're feeling a little
depressed, look at this pretty set of twelve proofs of "The
Doings of Death." The very thing for our dining-room,
don't you think ? . . . You don't ? Strange that you should
have so little eye for the joyous side of Art !
IN THE SOUTH GALLERY.
A Disapproving Dowager (to her male Escort). Eccentric,
without anything at the back of it that describes it exactly!
Her Escort (feeling that this is perhaps a little too
severe). Oh er one or two of the things don't seem to me
so bad that is, in their way, you know.
The D. D. I 've no patience with any of them. There 's
a thing now ! (Indicating a large cartoon in charcoal,
severely.) You don't like that?
The Escort (urging what he can in its defence). Well,
you see, it's a design for a stained-glass window.
The D. D. That 's no excuse ! Look at the the out-of-
proportion of the baby for one thing. And what / can't
put up with is that it 's all so intentional !
[Her Escort has to admit that there is abundant evidence
of premeditation on the part of most, if not all, of
the offenders.
IN THE WEST GALLERY.
The M.-V. M. (before a series of embroidered panels :
"The Entrance," "The Stress," "The Despair," " The
Victory."). And who is the pink person for I really don't
know whether it 's a lady or a gentleman with a gold harp
and nothing on but a leopard's skin ? " The Entrance " ?
is that all it says ? But I don't see any entrance. And
here she is again, with a magenta and green serpent beau-
tifully worked, I must say curling round her legs. Now
she 's turned puce colour, and is hanging limp on a tree
and in the last one she 's standing with one foot in the
serpent's mouth which must be rather uncomfortable, J
should have thought being embraced by an Angel. H'm
highly peculiar. It can't be intended for Eve, i suppose
and anyway, 1 should hardly care to hang them on my walls.
Caroline. They do want a lot for them though, Auntie.
Fancy the set of four one thousand pounds !
The M.-V. M. (impressed). Well, it only bears out what
I 've always told your dear Mother, CAROLINE it 's a thousand
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIYAIM. Fi;imi M:Y is. | <):;.
THE GUARDS' MESS.
MR. AiKixs. "THANK T.AYKX, IULL, HV-: APNT OltFKT.ItS-AND (IKNTLF.MKN ! "
FEIWI-ARY 18, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
113
pities none of you girls ever showed the
slightest turn for needle- work.
Audrey (stopping before a design for
'nili'd hangings in another part of tin 1
room). I call that rather sweetall those
quaint ships with angels flying after
them, blowing scrolls with " Bon
Voyage" on thorn out of trumpets.
Eustace. All. I wonder if there "s
time to get 'em, and have "em put in
the Spare Room before Aunt MARIA
invites herself again.
Audrey. I don't think dear Aunt
MAKIA would tjnite appreciate it, EDSTACE,
\\e\l better have something much
plainer.
Eustace. Perhaps we had. We should
only be wasting Art Symbolism on
Aunt MARIA.
IN THE CENTRAL HAT.I. AGAIN.
A Lady who loves a bargain (to the
Assistant Secretary). Oh, I see in one
of the cases there 'a a silver pendant
set with moonstones, chrysoprases, and
opals it 's marked 3 13s. 6d. in the
catalogue but of course that "B only a
fancy price. Now don't you think you
could let me have it at two pounds?
(The Assistant Secretary courteously
explains that such a proposition cannot
for a moment be entertained.) It isn't
for myself, you know / never wear
silver. But I wanted a wedding-present
for a friend of mine, who 's aesthetic
and two pounds is really my limit.
[Here it seems she has reached the
Assistant Secretary's limit, and has
to retire in disorder.
First Phil, (to Second Do.) I notice
curves and stuffing are "off" in this
New Art Furniture all straight backs
and hard seats now, eh ?
Second Do. Yes, old man, they 're
going to make us sit up before we 're
much older. Where are you off to ?
First Phil. Well, I thought I 'd stroll
home by Tottenham Court Road. Com-
ing my way ?
Second Do. Rather ! cheer us up after
all this.
[They depart to refresh their eyes with
"elegant drawing-room suites" as
the scene closes. F. A.
MANNERS FOR MUSICAL AT HOMES.
I.
DON'T, when asking anyone to sing
or play, casually close the piano while
so doing. It is a simple act, but one
most discouraging in its effect.
Don't, upon hearing someone consent
to perform, throw yourself back in your
chair after the manner of one about to
have a tooth extracted ; and don't,
during the progress of a song, glare at
the carpet, or keep clenching your
hands. Neither should you draw in a
THE POINT OF VIEW.
Aunt. "AND I SUPPOSE YOD PLAY HOCKEY AS WKIJ. AS FOOTBALL, BERTIE?"
Bertie (with supreme contempt). "Now, AUNTIE, DO I LOOK LIKE A MAN WHO'D PLAY UocKsr?"
sharp hissing breath when the accom-
panist mislays his fingers.
Don't applaud until you are quite
sure a song or piece is ended. If,
however, you have been led into this
error, don't upon its discovery mutter
" Good heavens ! " or collapse farcically
in your chair.
Don't, when turning over for a
pianist, perform this little service in
such a way that your arm eclipses the
copy, for where the performer's memory
is defective, or her powers of extempor-
ization nil, there is liable to be a gap in
the proceedings. Another mode deserv-
ing even severer condemnation is that of
holding the lower half of the page firmly
with one hand while turning the top
part briskly with the other. This is an
entirely wrong system, and with some
editions comes in terribly expensive.
Don't, when asked to oblige with a
selection, go through your entire reper-
toire. Even a cornet gets wearisome if
played badly and a great deal.
Don't, when accompanying, try to
cover the defects of the voice by crash-
ing out big chords of your own inven-
tion, and never under any circumstances
grind your teeth audibly during a
singer's inadvertent wanderings from
the key.
Don't let the fact of your knowing
your notes prompt you to substitute
them for those of the composer.
Don't, if playing an obbligato, tune
during those portions of the song where
it is intended you should remain
passive : your tuning may be no less
agreeable than your playing, but here
it is out of place.
, Don't whistle while a song is being
rendered. Even if you whistle the
same melody and in a similar key,
the effect is irritating to those around
you.
114
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHAKIVAEI.
[FEBRUARY 18, 1903.
HOW TO GET ON.
No. VI. IN Music.
(Concluded.)
LET me suppose that you want to compose rather than to
execute music, and let me imagine. 1 for a moment that it is
your wish to write songs songs that shall be famous as
those of SCHUMANN, and shall surpass the beautiful airs
of MAUDE VALERIE WHITE. It is a soaring ambition, for the
glory is great and the prize in lucre is said not to be small.
How are you to set about it? You write your songs ; your
music fits the words, you think, not like a glove, but rather
like some delicate, airy, clinging, floating wrapper of lovely-
lace that seems to give a more than mortal beauty to
all that lies within its gauzy folds. And the words, too, are
beautiful, for have they not been chosen with care from the
latest little volume of that prince of warblers, young but I
forbear to mention the passionate poet's name. Enough to
say that the rivals of Vigo Street, and others not in Vigo
Street, compete for his rhymes. Thus equipped and fur-
nished you seek a music publisher one did I say ? nay,
you seek a dozen, one after another, and you find them all
in turn a dozen smiling, stony-hearted, uncompromising
publishers of music, from whose ineffable presence you retire
abashed by the blood-curdling stories they tell you of their
hard but virtuous lot as producers of printed notes, their
persistent unavailing struggles to make the business end of
music meet the artistic end, and to gain for themselves such
a modest pittance as shall enable them to pass the evening
of their days far from crotchets and semi-quavers, and those
who either write them or execute them when written.
And if at last you come upon one less stony than the rest,
one who offers to help you along the path to immortality,
you '11 hear from him even from this accommodating
publisher that you mustn't expect to make money out of
your song. There are fees for this and payments for the
other, singers have to be conciliated and, in fact, when all
is said and done you have to rest satisfied with the poor
honour of hearing your piece of fancy sung just once in a
half-empty hall before an unsympathetic audience. And
with that the airy fabric of your vision dissolves, and you
find yourself walking once more on the cold and irresponsive
earth.
It may chance, of course, that, without wanting to make
your country's laws, you have at the same time no wish to
make its songs, but that you have a consuming desire to
write great music symphonies, concertos, sonatas, requiems,
cantatas, musical poems all the industrious and inspired
melodic pieces that can be numbered as Op. this or Op. that
in the list of your remembered works. What, in the present
condition of public skill and public taste, is to be your
method ? I will assume that you have pursued your
laborious studies in the authorised places, that you have
drunk deep at German rivers, sipped the Italian rills,
moistened your lips at the fountains, such as they are, of
France, and dabbled in the Russian streams. I put aside
such a mere trifle as original genius, and convict you of
nothing worse than a complete education and an acknow-
ledged technical skill. What then ? There is this, and you
must remember it. Music we are told so every day by
unquestionable critics and we are bound to believe them
has at last stepped out beyond the vague limits of sensuous
emotion expressed in melody. It has been restricted too
long to the illustration of hardly definite moods, which were
to make up in passion all that they necessarily lacked in
precision. Just as poetry, to say nothing of prose, has
begun to forsake the duty of expressing thought in order to
imitate the winds of Heaven in their careless singing, so
music has, we are told, taken up the function of words and
is henceforth to tell a distinct and definite story. And this
kind is called Programme Music, and RICHARD STHAUSS is its
prophet.
Farewell, then, to the gods of an older day. GLUCK and
MII/UJT have ceased to be. No eyes henceforth are to fill
with tears, no heart is to throb as their divine melodies are
wafted on the air. BEETHOVEN'S cloud-piercing structures
have tumbled into ruins, his thunders rouse no echo.
MENDELSSOHN is scarcely a name ; SCHUBERT is a reproach ;
VERDI is a mockery. After all, what did they mean ? Had
they any meaning at all? And, if not, why should they
expect to live? On the crumbling remains of WAGNER and
BRAHMS, RICHARD STRAUSS has arisen. He will spin you out a
story of plot, and passion, not in three volumes, but in many
musical crashes. It has its incidents, nay it is full of
them. The elopement of the passionate but sorely mis-
understood heroine with the gallant of her choice is in one
chapter ; the anger of her father and the sorrow of her
mother occupy another. We are to be hurried breathless
from the forging of the rich man's will to the murder of the
blameless old lady who has a humble lodging in the wilds
of Brixton. In one movement the criminal is to be tracked,
in another he is to be arrested, and in a final conviilsion
he is to expiate his crimes on the scaffold. This is sensation,
but the story of mere dialogue or of simple domestic life is
equally within the range of the Programme musician, whose
success must be gauged by the skill with which he unfolds
his incidents, develops his characters, and unravels his
plots. You must be a Programme musician or your chance
of enduring fame is gone. And yet there are some poor
benighted heathens who refuse to bow their knee to the
P.M., and prefer to dodder on with their foolish old
favourites. Was there ever so silly a perversion of the
heaven-sent sift of hearing?
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
The Car of Phoebus (LoNo) is a novel in which a fairly
good attempt is made to revive interest in the far-off past of
Oriental civilisation, and it is so far successful that it gives
evidence both of study and the exercise of imagination.
Mr. ROBERT JAMES LEES, whose Heretic was a much better
constructed and more powerful work, would do well in
future to study his dialogue a little more attentively. Some-
times his characters are quite SHERIDAN KNOWLESY in their
poetic flights, and at others they condescend to become
altogether too familiar and up-to-date-ish. One gentleman,
yclept Gasca, is real American, not to say Yankee in his
speech, especially when in his cups he tells Prince that
" There 's nothing manly about women they 're made
to lie fooled, an' they expect it can't be happy w'out it."
Were Mr. LEES' book but one third less in bulk it would
lie thoroughly readable.
The belation of the Baron in expressing his opinion on
Mr. J. J. BELL'S Wee Macgregor (Glasgow : Scots Pictorial
Publishing Co., &c., which address, telegraphically abbre-
viated, might suitably be Picts and Scots) is due to the fact
that this booklet did not reach him until it was in its ninth
edition. Therefore the Baron takes this, his first, opportunity
of expressing the heartiest admiration of this excellent piece
of literary work. The " Hob inson family" are excellent
company, even to those who may be, as the Baron con-
fessedly found himself, a stranger in their midst, unable at
first to comprehend their North British speech. But the
one touch of nature that makes the whole world kin is
applied by " J. J. B.'s " magic pen, making the dialect to
which Londoners (at all events) are unaccustomed, intelli-
gible, while no one, be he of what nationality he may, can
fail to appreciate the humour of the clever sketches that
FEBRUARY 18, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
115
present us with some scenes from the
very earliest Ixiyluxid of the " llVr .Ur-
mgor." Whether tlie. author should
listen to the void' of his many admirers
and continue the story is a delieate
point on which adviee, unasked, \vill not
be proffered by the judicious
BAUON nii B.-W.
MOTOROBESITY.
(A Forecast.)
IN tlie spring of 1913 ST. .Ions
SKINSKII came kick from Africa, after
spending nine or ten years somewhere
near the Zambesi. He travelled up to
Waterloo by the electric train, and the
three very stout men who were in the
same first-class compartment seemed to
look at him with surprise. On arriving
at his hotel he pushed his way through
a crowd of fat persons in the hall.
Then he changed his clothes, and went
round to his Club to dine.
The dining-room was filled with
members of extraordinary obesity, all
eating heartily. In the fat features of
one of them he thought he recognised a
once familiar face. " ROUND," said he,
" how are you ''. "
The stout man stopped eating, and
gazed at him anxiously. "Why," he
murmured after a while, in the soft
voice that comes from folds of fat, " it
must be SKINNER. My dear fellow,
what is the matter with you? Have
you had a fever ? ' '
" I 'm all right," answered the other ;
" what makes you think 1 've been ill ? "
"111, man!" said ROUND, "why
you 've wasted away ta nothing. You 're
a perfect skeleton."
"If it's a question of bulk," re-
marked SKINNER, "I'm much more
surprised. You've grown so stout,
every fellow in the Club seems so stout,
everyone I 've seen is as fat as as as
you are."
" Heavens ! " exclaimed Ivoi NO,
"you don't mean to say I 've ' been
putting on more flesh? I'm the light
weight of the Club. I only weigh six-
teen stone. No, no, you "re charting, or
you judge by your own figure."
"Not n l>it," saiil the other; "you
and I used to weigh about the same.
What on earth lias happened to you
all ? "
" Well," said ROUND, " perhaps you 're
right. It "s very much what the doctors
say. It's the fashionable complaint,
motorobesity. Sit down, and dine with
me, and I'll tell you what the idea is.
You see, it 's like this. For ten years
or so everybody who could afford a
motor of some sort has had one.
We've all had one. Not to have a
motor has been simply ridiculous,
if not disreputable. So everybody
THE NEW ACT AGAIN!
Careful Publican (to Chimney-siceep). " "EBE, I CAN'T SERVE rov! Go AND WASII TEHSKI.K.
I CAN'T SEE TER FACE ! 'Ow AH I TO KNOW AS VEII NOT ON THE BLACK LIST ? "
has ridden about all day in the fresh
air, never had any exercise, and got
an enormous appetite. Besides, in the
summer we 've always been drinking
beer to wash down the dust, and in the
winter soup, or spirits, or something to
warm us. My dear fellow, you can't think
what an -appetite motoring gives you. I
had an enormous steak for my lunch at
Winchester to-day, and a great lump of
plum cake with my tea at Aldershot,
and my aunt, the General's wife, made
me bring a bag of biscuits to eat on the
way up, and yet I'm so hungry now
that I should feel quite uncomfortable
if the thirst those biscuits, and the dust.
gave me didn't make me almost forget
it. I suppose everyone is really getting
fat. One notices it when one does
happen to see a thin fellow like you.
Why, in all the Clubs they've hail to have
new arm-ehairs, because the old ones
were too narrow. However, I 've talked
enough about motoring. So glad to
see you again, old chap. Of course
you '11 get a motor as soon as possible."
"Well," said SKINNEH, "I rather
think I shall buy a horse."
"My dear fellow," cried Roi si-,
" what an idea ! Horse-riding is such
awfully bad form. Besides, you can't
go any pace. Look at me. I wouldn't
get on a horse, and be shaken to pieces."
"I should think not," said SKINNKII.
"but I think I should prefer that to
motorobesity."
Proverbial Philosophy.
Too many cooks spoil the copper.
( !<>od wine is better thin no bread.
Mud is thicker than w.iter.
116
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 18, ]'J03.
STRIKING POETS.
["The poets of Germany have formed a Trades Union, and struck
for a minimum rate of Gd, a line." Daily Paper.']
How long will ye suffer this pitiful pittance,
O Poets of Grub Street, as fruit of your pains
The wholly inadequate postal remittance
Which only insults the long toil of your brains?
look to the Fatherland ! See how your brothers
Have taken their stand and prepare for the fray,
Each for himself and for all of the others
Poets of Grub Street, the} 7 show us the way.
Up and combine !
Form into line
For a minimum rate of a tanner a line.
Think what a labour lies ever before us
The slow evolution of metres and times,
The diligent searching of ROGET'S Thesaurus,
The constant appealing to WALKER for rhymes ;
The chase of elusive ideas, the selection
Of simile, metaphor, image and trope,
The throes of creation, the pangs of rejection,
The outlay in postage and paper and hope.
Up, brothers, fight !
Let us unite
For a tanner a line as the least of our right !
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
FINANCIAL.
WAUSTRALIA. After deep consideration we beg to inform
you that, in our opinion, Low Jinks will not pay dividends
until gold is obtained from the mine. Gorgonzolas are
reported by insiders to be full of life, and you would have
a fair chance of a profit should the quotation rise above
the price at which you bought.
W AFRICA. Crushing will be commenced after gold has
been discovered, and gold will possibly be found after
mining operations have been begun. The works are in
a forward state, the site for the Manager's house having
already been decided upon. There are various other claims
to the concession, but it is hoped that the share capital
will be sufficient to meet all legal expenses.
SAFRICA. We believe the labour difficulty will shortly be
overcome. Our correspondent cables vis that another Kami-
was seen yesterday.
MATHEMATICS. The life of the mine is estimated at ten
years, and as the present quotation for the 1 share is 10,
and it is reckoned that dividends of 100 per cent, will
be paid annually, we are of opinion that if the dividends
were invested in Consols, as a sinking fund, you would, by
the time the mine is worked out, have recovered the whole
of your capital, which would be very satisfactory. Of
course, we are a financial paper, but we must own that
these abstruse mathematical problems rather fog us.
A VISITOR IN COVENT GARDEN.
[In the Daily Telegraph of Friday last it was stated that a locust had
arrived with some cauliflowers from Italy, and, having been captured,
..was placed under a glass case in Covent Garden, where he is doing
uncommonly well.]
FROM Italy a locust came among the cauli-flowers
: The which he doth affectionate and greedily devours.
iWhen captured he was placed upon a stand, 'neath glass
case handy,
Which serves our Foreign Locust as a London Locus standi .
MOST Appuoi'iUATE HONOUR. On HUSSEIN KULI KHAN has
been conferred the Order of the Bath.
"FIVE LITTLE PLANET BOYS."
" FIVE small planets " (poor dear little things, they are so
sweet. when small!) "were announced last month," says the
Athenaeum, "from the Konigstiihl Observatory, Heidelberg."
What has become of them? We haven't seen them. They
were " announced," as many a " star "of greatest magnitude
has frequently been, who, after all, has been " prevented by
indisposition," or some other cause, from appearing and
fulfilling an engagement. Of the five little planets "four,"
continues the Athenaeum, " were detected by Professor MAX
WOI.F, and the other by Herr DUGAN." In execution of their
duty, how, where, and why, did the two eminent detectives
seize on these five little culprits, if culprits they be ? One
of the lot, named " Ocllo " (or " 01' clo' ? "), is said to be a
very queer sort of party, having " a greater eccentricity than
that of any other planet." Eccentricity, however, is no
palliation of crime ; and, in the interests of justice to all
alike we demand a thorough inquiry. At present every-
thing connected with these four poor little planets, led away
probably by the prodigious "eccentricity" of their fifth
companion, seems to be in nubibus. Until we have clearer
information, here is the summary in verse :
One little planet vainly struggling in a gale,
Two with mirth exploding when told a comet's tale,
Four little planets in a guide book lost their place,
Fifth little planet went a-whizzling into space !
One little, two little, three little, four little,
Five little Planet boys !
Let us hope that very soon all painful doubts may be
cleared up, and that the five small planets, celestial " wee
Willie Winkies," may arrive safely at their destination,
wherever it is.
MINISTERIAL MUDPIES.
(Unfortunately founded on fact.)
Lord Crariborne.
PRAY don't let Venezuela your anxious minds distress,
All warlike operations are bound to be a mess.
Lord George Hamilton.
Nay, CRANBORNE, in your modesty you underestimate
The services the Cabinet have rendered to the State.
We made the mess, I own it ; but to our great surprise
It turned out to be really a blessing in disguise.
For our Press have taught the Germans to assume a saner
attitude,
So (indirectly) we have earned the Nation's heartfelt gratitude.
The Right Hon. Walter Long.
Dear GEORGE, your words are brimful of true statesmanship
and sense,
And I '11 cap them with a dictum of sagacity immense.
So long as we are uppermost on winding up a " scrap,"
We may muddle or not muddle, but no wise man cares a rap.
. [Exeunt in a transport of mutual admiration.
FROM THE STRAND TO HOLBORN. Good name " Kingsway."
But "Aldwych " not so happy : suggestive of " Old Witch"
and " Old Witchcraft." " Wych Street" having been done
away with, couldn't some relative name have been hit upon,
as, e.g., "What Street" or " Hoo Street"? Everyone
delighted that the Parisian-Americanism .of "Avenue" has
not been adopted, yet, as 'ARRY says, " If they 'ave-a-new
street, why can't they call it so, and then we know where
we are ! " All agree that Kingsway is historically and
thoroughly appropriate, seeing that it records our beneficent
KING'S Sway in this twentieth century.
FEBRUARY 18, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
117
CHARIVARIA.
GAS will now become cheaper,
liament has opened.
Par-
Cape Colony's new Immigration Act
forbids the entry of, among others.
lunatics. Several prominent English
H.P.'s have protested against this.
At a political meeting held in a
tin nl re at Valence the stage gave way,
and the speakers disappeared below.
A patent has been applied for, and the
clever inventor, who has supplied a
long-felt want, should in a very short
time make his fortune.
The SHAH recently gave a special
audience to the Russian Minister in the
great Hall of Mirrors. This enabled
His Majesty to see what was going on
behind his back.
Those who Bay that the French Navy
is not to be compared to the British
Navy have received a rude shock. Last.
week the French torpedo-boat-destroyer
Espignole ran ashore and foundered,
and another destroyer, the Hallebarde,
grounded, and was only saved with
difficulty.
The three-year-old son of a farmer in
Moravia, who had been watching his
father kill a pig, ran into the house
afterwards and attempted to kill his
baby sister. His father quite rightly
boxed his ears.
The local officer of the Society for
the Prevention of Cruelty to Children
has had two pictures accepted for the
Leeds Spring Exhibition. He does not
paint for children.
The Leigh Urban District Council has
made a full inquiry into the allegations
against the Leigh cockles. The Council
finds that the allegations are ground-
less, but thinks that the Local Govern-
ment Board might be asked to prevent
the discharge of sewage into the Thames
above and below Leigh.
A lady has written complaining of a
fraud of which she was a victim. At a
shop in the Strand she saw some pic-
tures labelled "Old Masters, lOfd.
each." She bought a number of them,
and now finds they are not originals
but photographic reproductions.
The LORD CHANCELLOR, the LORD CHIEF
JUSTICE and Sir FRANCIS JEUNE have
decided that a bicycle is not a carriage
but a wheelbarrow.
A strange affair at the War Office is
reported in a letter to the Pall Matt
Little Titmuss (just told off to take the younger Miss Long into supper, qttite forgets which
of the two is the younger). " ER EB MAY I HAVE THE PLEASURE EH OF ER TAKING THE
LONGER Miss YOUNG I MEAN THE LUNGER Miss YoNQ THAT is [Becomes incoherent.
Gazette. The writer addressed a com-
munication to the War Office on the
22nd ult., and had a reply, showing
that the letter had been read, on the
2nd inst.
The question of the ventilation of the
House of Commons has reminded some-
one that Dr. WALLACE once said that the
atmospheric conditions of the Chamber
could only be compared to "a cold
blizzard about your feet, a heat wave
above your head, and microbes in
between." The reference, in this last
phrase, to honourable Members has
been greatly resented.
The Guards Scandal continues to gain
in interest. Letters have appeared in
the Times from Lieut. LEVESOS-GOWER'S
uncle, and Colonel KINLOCH'S brother-in-
law. Colonel TROTTER, it is said, is to
be championed by his grandmother,
and an important communication is
expected shortly from a relation by
marriage of Lord ROBERTS.
In Germany Count VON BULOW has
pointed out that though the English
poet KIPLING may write anti-German
verse, the Belgian poet MAETERLINCK is
on their side, and recently called the
German people the moral conscience of
the world. At the same time the un-
desirability of having to depend on
foreign poets is keenly felt in German}',
and, with characteristic thoroughness, a
scheme is being prepared for training
their own poets as part of their
diplomatic system.
118
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 18, 1903.
MR. PUNCH'S APPEAL TO FARMERS AND LAND-OWNERS.
AiKiiT THE " MARCONI" OR " WIHEI.F.SS" SYSTEM.
' "MOST APPROV'D GOOD MASTERS."
(Latest directions fora visitor to the Burlington House Shotr.)
THE Old Masters at Burlington House ! Not a few of
our "young Masters" must envy the "touch of these
vanished hands," for whose work Time the Restorer lias
done so much. In another month this exhibition will have
closed, when, after a few days pause, the doors of the Royal
Academy will re-open to admit the works of those who, in
their turn, will inherit the privileges of age. " Old Masters,"
forsooth ! Say rather " Past Masters.'' Here are their
works fresher than ever. Is it not so with the wonderful
sea-pieces of BRETT that true Brett-ish artist, of King COLE
(Vivat VICAT !) and one MOORE ? Go back to earlier Masters !
See the masterly portrait of Henry Thompson, R.A. He is
drawn, as many a one has been, by A. SHEE (Sir MARTIN
ARCHER, of that ilk, P.R.A.). Look at sweet Sir Walter
Scott, a kit-cat (with a little black dog), by his countryman
Sir J. WATSON GORDON, R.A. And after admiring the fine
heads by CUYP, and by the "three R's," REYNOLDS, RUBENS,
and REMBRANDT, turn to The Head of Loch Lomond, by Sir
GEORGE HARVEY. Regard The Thames at Purfleet (whose
Inn was once the rival of Greenwich in the providing of
whitebait dinners), by DAVID Cox, inquire kindly after John
Box, and ask where you can see a portrait of Penelope Anne.
You pause before another work. Quite natural ; your atten-
tion is arrested by a CONSTABLE, and not without warrant, for
is it not his celebrated Dedham Lock, or the Leaping Horse ?
which sounds like the title of a melodrama. And his
other delightful country pictures, especially Opening the
T.ocJ;, which is so perfectly simple as not to require a key.
the
Where did TURNER live? always at the sign of
Rainbow " ? Isn't it wonderful !
Are you in need of refreshment ? Go to The Bar
of the Douro, by JAMES Hoi LAND. The Spanish and
Dutch intermingled considerably, so 'tis no wonder to
find Holland in Spain. Pity the sorrows of an uncrowned
King when you behold VAN DYCK'S Charles the First out
riding in full armour, but without his helmet, with which
a servant is hurrying up to him. " Ah ! " quoth the unfor-
tunate monarch, "going minim my helmet was I! I shall
go without my head next ! " The saying is historical, alas !
Do not miss A Lady and her Son, quite a " little
nipper," by ANGELO BRONZING ; nor TINTORETTO'S very "mixed
lot," representing The Nine Muses. Pause one moment in
front of the same Master's representation of Esther fainting
before Ahasuerus. You see she fainted " before AHASUEHUS "
and he fainted afterwards. Why ? Because the lady was
frightened into fits at the sight of a horrid little dog which
is held by a man in the right-hand corner. See him?
Well, fa s'explique.
No more time ? Sorry. Then as you are Homeward
Bound, just see how JOHN SELL COTJIAN painted the subject.
Isn't it fine? Couldn't JOHN SELL COTMAN over and over
again for double or treble the original price ? Why, cer-
tainly. Let us make our way towards the door, pausing
for a second to see CONSTABLE'S The Opening of Waterloo
Bridge, at a time when a River Pageant was something to
see, when there were no dirty steamers (there are none at
all now, the dirty ones are clean gone), and there were
soldiers, watermen, bright costumes, decorated barges, like-
wise Captain Crosstree in fore-water steering a jolly boat.
Here 's a Game of Bridge !
PrNVII. i)|; TIIK LONDON CHAHIVAIU. FmoAW 18, 1903.
THE UNEMPLOYABLE.
LABOURER BALFCH-R (aside). "OUT OF WORK? WANT EMPLOYMENT, DO THEY? WHY, IF I
CHUCKED MY JOB TO-MORROW NONE OF THEM COULD TAKE IT ON."
FKHRUARY 18, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
PILGRIMS TO THE EAST.
VIII. COM i.i sii iv.
Valentine's Day : Bouverie Street.
It is remarkable bow much honest work
can be got into a limited space of time
if you only set yourself to it. My last
week's instalment was posted at Calcutta.
Since then I have spent several days of
unbroken hospitality (on the part of my
friends) at that seat of Government,
iio\\ liguring on the bench of the High
Court, now in attendance at races more
admirably conducted than any at which
I have ever dropped my money ;
travelled round by Agra to Bombay a
matter of some 1700 miles ; bathed in
as noble a bath, and absorbed as noble
a dinner (both at the Bombay Yacht
Club) as flesh could desire in a climate
where a man must take to at least one of
two vices, bathing or drink ; incidentally
done the voyage to Marseilles ; enjoyed
a brief spell of holiday on the Riviera ;
and now for a long time resumed my
metropolitan career,
week's work !
Really, not a bad
In recalling the various functions of
the late Durbar, I find, to my lasting
regret, that I missed the most memora-
ble spectacle of all. I refer to the
performance of the Commander-in-Chief
in the opening figure of the State Ball
in the Diwan-i-'Am. Those who were
happy enough to be in a position to
witness this display with no inter-
vening crowd to veil the lower limbs of
the dancers describe the deportment of
AN OBVIOUS ATTEMPT TO EVADE THE QCABAHTINE AUTHORITIES. SUEZ.
K. OF K. as marked by a coy hesitancy
and by a modest submission to the
VICEROY'S superior knowledge, which
won admiration from the stoniest hearts.
Among those best qualified to judge it
is the universal opinion that Lord
KITCHENER has thoroughly earned his
appointment to the Honorary Colonelcy
of the First State Lancers.
We made the wide detour by Agra
largely, I think, because we dared not
face the Anglo-Indian at home withouf
having seen the Taj Mahal. If I had
the rebuilding of this unique mauso-
leum I would have the facings of my
WEIKD BONUS, STUKEKS, ETC., FIUHI TIIK INTKIIIOK OK TIII: Sim 1 , \\iiu ONLY
" INSPECTION DATS."
corner-towers less crudely pointed, and
the towers themselves less easily mis-
taken for lighthouses or piled cbeea-
castles. But apart from this obvious
criticism, I admit that it is one of the
few things I have seen whose beauty
survives the rhetoric of the guide-books.
We saw it at the best hour of
daylight under a dropping sun that
pure clarity of its
brought out the
marble, the rich colouring of its pietra
dura work, and the cool grey of its
shadowed recesses, without meretricious
effects. The waning moon rose too late
for us, and with a too " unhandsome
thrift of silver," and so we escaped
that taint of limelight which one asso-
ciates with this theatrical orb. Still, it
is counted de rigueur that one should
view the Taj by moonlight, and breathe,
if practicable, some sort of matrimonial
proposition in the neighbourhood of its
cypresses. Circumstances were against
the Two Pilgrims in both these par-
ticulars.
I could wish that the Government
which has done so much to preserve
and enhance the beauty of the scene
would contrive to improve the behaviour
of the coloured functionaries who
exhibit this tomb of the Pearl of the
Palace. I do not so much mind being
presented with faded flowers and sickly
sweetmeats on the very edge of the
sacred vault, but the importunate de-
mand for sacerdotal baksheesh in these
holy precincts becomes an intolerable
obsession.
Before leaving Bombay, the official
head-quarters of the bubonic plague,
I was subjected to a sanitary inspection.
The port-doctor laid a large fat hand
abstractedly on my pulse ; said nothing ;
assumed a non-committal air ; and
hairli-d m<> a free |>ass to go ah.ianl.
As far as I could makcuut, tin u
122
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 18, 1903.
gave us the further right to be regarded
as suspects, and from that moment till
we reached Marseilles we were suffered
to hold no communication with the shore.
We found Egypt peculiarly suspicions.
Ever since her shocking experience in
the matter of the Ten Plagues this
unfortunate country has been very
sensitive about alien immigration. Some
of our party were bound for Cairo, and
were still twenty-four hours short of the
period of perfect purgation. Conse-
quently we dropped them at Suez into
two elementary sailing-wherries one lot
bound for an obscure oasis in the direc-
tion of Stony Arabia (euphoniously
known as Moses' Wells), the other a
ducal party bound for disinfection huts
just inside the Canal. The parting was
a very painful one, though cheered, for
those we left behind, by the consolatory
rumour of terrific weather awaiting ns
in the Mediterranean. We passed them,
later, as we entered the Canal. For a
little while they followed ns, with a
pitiful assumption of gaiety, along the
bank ; then the scene closed upon them
beina; chivied back into bounds by an
official in uniform, lest they should
contaminate the desert.
As for the Mediterranean, I have had
occasion a hundred times to withdraw,
and then replace, all that I ever said
against, or in favour of, this inconsis-
tent sheet of water. One day of un-
imagined calm ; a second of tossing in
a strong Sou'-son'-wester (very unusual
in these parts, and making a mocker) 1
of Crete, whose only use in life is to
take the sting out of the North wind) ;
a third in which we groaned under a
steady series of squalls from the North-
east, for which the Captain apologised ;
by evening the blessed vision of Etna,
twenty miles away, to the North-west,
with promise of a temporary calm for
dinner before the stonn should catch us
again beyond Messina ; then a great
stillness as we glided through the
Liparis, ghostly under the moon, and
never another wave the whole way
home.
Such is the humour of the deep ; not
always adequately reflected in the
intelligence of passengers. I attempted
not more than two examples of facetious-
ness ; one on the way out, one on the
homeward track. I do not wish them
to be permanently wasted, as they were
wasted at the time; and I venture to
give them below in the form of dialogue.
First Passenger. What is that officer
firing at from the bridge ? Porpoises ?
Second Passenger (myself). I don't
think there 's anything to hit. He 's
just letting his revolver off for joy.
First Passenger (affected l>y spectacle
of officer peering doicn muzzle of
weapon). Oil, look at him. He 's point-
ing it at his brains.
Second Passenger (myself). It 's all
right. He knows there 's nothing there.
Firnt, Passenger. J>ut with revolvers,
you know, one can never toll
Tliis should have been a lesson to
me ; but 1 tried once again as follows :
First Passenger (pacinr/ the deck triili
Second Passenger [myself], and specil;-
ing nauticall;/ to cheery Colonel irilli
large round clierubic face, whose deck-
chair blocks the icay). Rather a narrow
channel, what ?
[Cherubic Colonel hastens to iciden il.
" I have no clear desire to walk down Piccadilly
in a sl;y-blue turban."
Second Passenger (myself). Thanks,
that '11 do nicely. Quite wide enough
for the Straits of Boniface.
[Complete silence, hi iiliicli you miyht
have lieard a belaying-pin drop.
That towering figure of Notre Dame
le la Garde that serves for beacon to
l lie Marseillais as the bronze statue of
armed Athene with poised spear wel-
comed Greek sailors homeward bound
stood out above the mists of morning as
we dropped anchor off the rocks of the
( 'bateau d'lf for a final inspection of
the crew's health. One suddenly became
ware that France (and, for that matter,
the rest of Europe), forgotten all these
weeks in the rush of more importunate
claims, did actually continue extant.
I wish that some of these provincial
Continentals could have seen what we
have seen, and got to understand a little,
as one only learns out there (la-bas), the
meaning of the Empire. If, for
instance, my host of the Hotel Costebelle
(where I spent a profitable week-end in
resuming my land legs) had tasted of
the East, and found by experience that
the price of soda-water in India is
precisely two annas a bottle, I think
he would have hesitated to charge me
last Sunday just seven and a half times
that sum for this beverage; so much
does travel enlarge the mind, enabling
a man, as BACON contends, to " prick in
sonic flowers of that he hath learned
abroad into the customs of his own
country;"
For the rest, if I here conclude this
desultory journal, I would not have it
supposed that I could not say more if
1 would. Simply I defer to the advice
of the authority cited above, who
recommends to the Pilgrim not only
that his travel should " appear rather
in his discourse than in his apparel
and gesture " (here I am safe, having
no clear desire to walk down Piccadilly
in a sky-bine turban, waving a chowry
to keep the flies off the Other Pilgrim),
but that, as to his discourse, he should
be " rather advised in his answers than
forwards to tell stories." 0. S.
SHAKSPEARE AND ERIN.
SIR, A recent letter in the Athenceum
Iraws attention to "the Earliest, Dublin
K'lilion of Shakspeare's Plays." Now
there cannot be anything earlier than
the earliest. So after all or before all,
SHAKSPEARE, the Immortal Bard, was an
Iri^unan ! Hooroosh ! Old Ireland for
ever ! And if the Bard had anything
at all in common with BACON, sure
wasn't it as " the Learned Pig that paid
the rint ! " " Play an' pay " was TEDDY
O'SHAKSPEARE'S motto. I know his name
was WILLIAM, but what proof is there
his other name wasn't TEDDY? None.
Look at his plays ! Isn't Tempest an
Irish name ? Then there 's Carry
0'Lannn and O'Thello, not to mention
a hundred other proofs that could
be brought forward. And you will
remember the great trouble there was
ibout " The IRELAND Forgeries " ? Were
;he "forgeries" ever proved against
Old Ireland ? my country ! Sir,
'EAiiE 's ours !
ARS HIBERNICA (of Little Bray).
A DAY BEFORE TOE FAIR. According to
the Liverpool i-'i-lm " the High Wycombe
magistrates again inflicted fines in cases
)f Sunday trading on Saturday." In
Buckinghamshire at any rate trades-
ii MI are not behind the times.
\I:Y 1*. I'.)'): 1 ..:
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
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124
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 18, 1903.
THE END OF WOMAN.
["Having disposed of The Unspeakable Scot,
Mr. T. W. H. CROSSLAND is about to turn his
attention to ' Lovely Woman.' " The Academy.]
LOVELY woman, howso sweet
Light and sunshine to thine eye,
Go, prepare thy winding-sheet,
For thou must die !
Pluck the pansy freaked with jet,
Pluck the glowing violet,
Pluck the white pink, pluck the lily,
And the drooping daffodilly,
Pluck them all and bring them here
To strew thy bier.
For thou must die !
Forged is the bolt of fate
Which shall hurl thee to thy doom,
And thy soul precipitate
To the gloom
Of the tomb.
Even now is raised the hand
Which shall hurl the fatal brand,
Even now ah, woe is me
For the carnage I shall see
When on widow, wife and girl,
CROSSLAND ZEUS his bolt shall hurl !
CROSSLAND ZEUS ! Ah, name of dread !
Scotland hears it, Scotland pales ;
Scotland, weeping o'er her dead,
Panic-stricken quails.
His the hand that wrought her woe,
His the hand that struck the blow ;
All her dearest sons he slew,
ROBBIE BURNS, and CROCKETT too ;
Even sentimental IAS
Fell before this ruthless lion.
Tremble, lovely woman, then !
At every mother's daughter
Levelled is the ruthless pen
Which has wrought such slaughter.
Pitiful indeed shall be
Thy miserable lot
If he knows as much of thee
As about the Scot.
Then, oh, prepare thy funeral bed !
His vengeance will not tarry ;
A moment and thy comely head
Shall lie, with all its beauty fled,
And CROSSLAND ZEDS shall smite thee
dead
As he has smitten BARRIE.
MARCONI'S SECRET.
MR. MARCONI recently announced an
invention which he states " will startle
the world." He will, he says, make it
known after his wireless experiments
are completed. In the meantime, how-
ever, considerable interest has been
aroused in the new invention, and
speculation is rife as to the form it will
take. From a mass of correspondence
which has reached us we select the
following communications :
Mr. CHAMBERLAIN wires that " No
FEBRUARY. TIME-POST-DILUVIAN. THE MISSING LINK.
invention of MARCONI could equal some
of the inventions of the Pro-Boers."
Mr. ALFRED HARMSWORTH writes, " Can
Mr. MARCONI have invented a means of
keeping closed the mouths of Little
Englanders? "
Mr. CADBURY writes, " I would suggest
that MARCONI'S latest is an invention for
infusing a sense of humour into the
Jingoes. Such an achievement would
seem almost impossible, but I am
emboldened to make the suggestion by
the emphatic phrase ' to startle the
world.' '
Sir H. CAMPUELL-BANNERSIAN " hopes
that the new invention will take the
form of a fence which allows its occu-
pant to descend on both sides at once."
"CURATE" writes, "Can it be that
Mr. MARCONI'S invention takes the form
of a stipend-stretcher ? "
"MiNOR POET" desires to know if
MARCONI has invented a new rhyme to
love?
Madame HUMBERT "would be pleased
inventive powers?" She points out,
not without reason, that if any inven-
tions have ' ' startled the world , ' ' hers
have.
" THE DRINK QUESTION." Of course
this in its simplest form is " What '11
you take ? " to which the form of answer
depends on the taste and fancy of the
interrogated. Becoming more complex,
however, the correspondence on the
subject has recently entered 011 the
"Jug and Bottle Department," as the
Times last week gave us the outpourings
of a Bottle, from Tar-mouth, and in the
same paper there was a note from a
Nightingale, who, wishing to prove
itself a very early bird and quite up-to-
date, accompanied the aforesaid Bottle
with its "jug."
WHEN the Chairman of a Railway
Company speaks of " the diversion of
traffic," may it be understood that
Pleasure trips and excursions " are
to know if M. MARCONI can beat her | covered by this expression ?
FKIIIM-AKY 18, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
I IT,
THE LIGHTNING TJM'IIKR.
(.4 IViV/KT-im/ Retort).
[The Lanart condanJM the propoeal in favour
of inaugurating 1 syMem <>f <|uirk lum-hes fcr
busy City men, ami siiL.-iiiali.-i". il as " a wicked
ph\ MI '!< iL'H'al step." i
SlIAI.l. 1, wasting precious liOUFS
Over linicli, exhaust my powers,
Dissipate my vital forces
Over dilator}' courses,
Munch my limeli at ease and leisure,
.) ust to suit the Lancet's pleasure ?
lloue'er quick the luncheon be,
'Twill not be too quick for me !
City pace is far too fleet
TII afford us time to eat;
So we pile up s. d.,
Bother physiology !
'fihough dyspeptic horrors follow,
Summary shall be each swallow
Howe'er quick the luncheon lie,
'Twill not be too quick for me !
Shall I, dallying o'er a steak,
Miss the deals that I might make ?
Give, while golden moments range,
'I ime to chops instead of 'Change?
'Cause the Lancet cries, " (Jo slow ! "
Shall I cease to hurry? No/
lloweVr quick the luncheon lie,
'Twill not be too quick for me !
"Time is money, money's time,"
There 's the burden of my rhyme ;
Clearly, then, the City needs
Automatic Ganymedes !
Could we find her, prized would she be,
Boon of boons a clockwork Hebe !
1 lowc'er quick her works might be,
They 'd not be too quick for me !
PAPER WEALTH.
(.\n Interview ; circa 1913.)
"!'AI.ATIAL! truly palatial ! " said
Mr. I'uiifli'x Representative, as the tour
of inspection came to an end. "Your
mansion is indeed a dream of splendour,
Mr. SHOWN. Your pictures, your china,
your Ixioks are enough to make any
rival millionaire green with envy. And
now, before closing this delightful
interview, there is one further question
which, with your permission, I should
like to put to you."
" I'.v all means," said Mr. BROWN
affably.
" Well, then- 1 ask it not from mere
curiosity, but in order that others may
be taught to follow your illustrious
example how did you manage to accu-
mulate this magnificent fortune?"
"By solving," replied Mr. Bisowv.
" I have long been at the head of that
profession."
"Solving?" echoed his interviewer
rather dubiously; " it 's rather stupid of
me but I can't quite recollect is it a
soap or a pill ? "
THE TAMING OF THE WILD BOER!
Joe(thcShou-man,efhiblt'nifi his someichat lacku-anl pupil). "TllEKE, LAMES ASH (!;:STI,KJII:N,
IT IS ALL DOSE BY Kl.NUNK.ss!"
["With a firm and sympathetic (tovernment, the Dutch would learn to appreciate the
blessings of British rule."' Mr. < 'linmlirrlain at (IniliiiniKtuirn, February 1 1, 1903.J
"Neither. Solving I said and 1
meant it. By solving newspaper com-
petitions ! "
" \Vhat ? You mean to say that by
this alone "
" Certainly. I began quite in a small
way. My first success, I think, was to
win a mere trifle 50 a week for life,
or something of the kind from Snips
and SnajiK. Shortly afterwards, by
answering correctly a series of picture-
pn/./.les in the 'I'iriiikli-r, I gained a
yacht, a motor-car, a French conk
(waives paid by the Tir'i iihliT}, and a set
of tea-spcxins."
" Dear me," said Mr. Punch's Repre-
sentative. "And did you always suc-
ceed?"
" Not invariably. Still, I made a
special study of the business, yon know,
and gave my whole time to it. Other
competitors only spent a few hours a
day over these pu/.xles, so naturally I
got the better of them. In the famous
>'in';/;/cc.t contest I tied with another
man. Fortyeven supplementary com-
petitions followed] and my rival and I
solved them all. When the forty-
eighth came on ho develo|x'd brain-
fever and died. Consequently I gained
the gold-mine, grand piano, and c< m-
plete collection of postage stamps, which
formed the prize on this occasion."
"But then for some years you had a
seat in Parliament, 1 think? Surely
your leisure then for your er, profes-
sion must have been insufficient? "
" Ah, but you see an iue< me of L.r.o
was given witli the seat. 7'in>/-M//
'1'iriili'i-s gave me both it. had squared
the electors-, of course. That was the
pri/c for finding the right names for a
series of illustrations representing f>0
eminent Fing-Pong players. But we \e
talked enough ! Come and have some
tea, and let me introduce you to my
\\ife. By the way, you know how 1
won her? "
"What? "gasped Mr. Punch's Repre-
sentative, "surely e/ic wasn't '
"Yes, indeed she was. Kir.-t prize
in the Istirting Lady'x 'Matrimonial
Acrostics Tourney.' And she has given
me every satisfaction ! "
120
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 18, 1903.
THE PREVALENT DOLL-SONG.
['' In the fashionable kind of drawing-room
sonjf, you no longer hear the ballad of senti-
ment, or passion, or despair, snch as were the
mode some seven years ago ; there are no
limit's of parted lovers nothing, in short,
that will make the least sentimental person
uiu ninfortable. The new song, on the con-
trary, is of au amazing naivete. We have
nothing more tragic than the love affairs of
wax dolls, the jealousies of the mirserv."
Ladies' Field.]
I 'M only a simple Dolly,
But I know a thing or two ;
I squeak like Pretty Polly,
And wink till all is blue !
My brains are sawdust merely,
Inside a head of wax ;
I 'm fashioned very queerly
Of canvas, glue and flax.
My face is one big simper
Of foolish pink-and-white ;
My limbs each day get limper,
And I cannot stand upright.
But I 'HI not so badly wanting
In wit and common sense
As those who now are chanting
Doll-songs with coy pretence.
Their trash is idiotic,
No love affairs I 've got.
'Tis make-believe erotic,
With the accent on the rot !
Into the gutter fling them
No doll of any nous
Could bring itself to sing them
Or hear them in its house !
Though it isn't real passion
That heaves my dummy breast,
At such infantile fashion
I must for once protest !
IN BLACK AND BLUE.
By R-DY-IiD K-PL-KG.
MY friend Private MULVANEY, of the
1st Grenadiers, is a man whose views
on all Army matters I am accustomed
to accept with implicit confidence. But
I confess that when I was listening to
him the other day, T
I began to wonder
whether he had not
been indulging in
an excessive quan-
tity of beer.
" Fwhat I say to
you, Sorr, is bhoys
will be bhoys," he
began.
" But when they
are officers in His
Majesty's Brigade
of Guards, and five-
or six-and-twenty
years of age?" I
inquired.
" Niver you mind
that, Sorr. Once a little Orf'cer bhoy
always a little Orf'cer bhoy. You 've
only got to read your own stories to se&
that.
Tliis was a home thrust of MULVANEY'S
to which I had no reply handy. So I
only remarked lamely, " That seems
very curious."
" Not at all, Sorr," he replied. " 'Tis
the Kyshtim. The British Arrmy is run
on the principle that no Orf'cer ever
grows up. 'Tis an inshtitushun for the
cultivashun of perpetual youth. Why,
there 's many a full-blown Gineral of
Divishun who 's mentally a complete
infant. You shaw that in ShouthAfrica,
Sorr. An' after the warr was over, do
you remember that shpeech ? "
I interrupted him hastily. MULVANEY'H
comments on certain events in the South
African campaign, and certain subse-
quent happenings therewith connected,
are apt to be unprintable.
" Never mind about the Generals,"
I said. " It 's the subalterns who are
engrossing public attention at this
moment."
" Children, Sorr, mere children," said
MULVANEY. "An' 'tis the Arrmy that
kapes thim so. If they were civilians,
poor dhivils, they 'd be worrking at
professions or businesses, and grow up
in no time. 'Tis worrk that turns
bhoys into men. But shubalterns don't
worrk in the Guards, Sorr. 'Tis not
considered good forrm. An' they 've
no time for ut. Fwhat wid tryin' on
their suits in Bond Street, an' cavortin'
at Rigimental balls, and runnin' the
Rigi mental dhrag, an' playin" Rigimental
polo, their days are as full as a tick
already."
" But that kind of thing doesn't tend
to produce good officers," I ventured to
suggest.
" You 're wrong, Sorr. The British
Orf'cer is the mosht shplendid product
of civilizashun. Look at his uniform
'Tis pro-digious ! Fits close to the
figure. No room to breathe anywhere.
Gould lace on the trousies an' gorgeous
trimmins all over."
"But he can't fight in it," I ob-
jected, " and he never wears it."
" Thrue for you, Sorr. 'Tis bad
forrm for a British Orf'cer to wear his
uniform. But if you ure iver lucky
ough to catch him in ut the effect is
shtupondous. And dishcipline? Where
else will you find the like av ut ? Is
there any other man av five-and-twinty in
the worrld that would put up with ut ? "
I said I thought not.
' 'Tis a glorious institushun, a shub-
altern's court-martial. Ut brings out
the finer feeling. Ut raises the self-
respect. Yes, Sorr, 'tis only when a
shubaltern has been ignominiously
whipped by his fellow shubalterns
that he realises with pride fwhat ut
is to be an orf'cer and a gentleman."
" It sounds to me like a disgusting
outrage," I said, "and a very vuigar
one."
" Dhivil a bit, your honour. If a
Kurnul finds that a junior Orf'cer has
disobeyed ordhers, fwhat can be more
dignified than that he should hand
him over to the senior shubaltern to
deal with ? ' Deal with ' manes
whippin', Sorr."
" Well, well," I cried, " it may answer
in the Army, but it wouldn't do in any
other business or profession that I'm
icquainted with. Fancy a bank mana-
ger who couldn't keep his clerks in
order without handing them over to the
senior cashier to be ' dealt with ' in that
way ! "
" 'T would be risinted, Sorr, no doubt.
But civilians are not accushtomed to be
trated like children. 'Tis a different
matther in the Arrmy."
" It certainly seems to be," I replied.
FANCY SKETCH. "SHELL OUT." THE LAST BALL.
Exam. Season.
Industrious Lad (to Companion). Get
up your subject?
Idle Lad. Subject? No. Don't see
the object.
NECESSARY NOTICE.
N.B. Every letter, or other com-
: munication, sent
to the Editor of
"PUNCH" must be
accompanied )>y a
stamped and ad-
dressed envelope,
enclosed, for re-
turn. Also, with
any drawing, or
manuscript, must be
enclosed stamped
and addressed
wrapper. Vide
Notice always ap-
peariny on frontis-
piece of every
Number of
" PUNCH."
KiuirAin 25, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
127
ROBBERY WITH VIOLENCE.
I^dy (who has just jumped on fallen Sportsman). "I'M AWFDIXT SORBT ! I HOPE WE DIDN'T HUBT TOD?"
Fallen Sportsman. " OH, I 'M ALL BIGHT, THANKS. BUT KB DO you MWD LEAVWO ME MY HAT?"
THE INNER CIRCLE.
THE Premier finished playing his new
composition, a Golf Gavotte, and the
Inner Cabinet sighed with relief. Even
business was better than that.
' ' So you 've been making an alliance
with Germany, L-NSD-WNE?" he said
gaily-
" Wherever did you hear of that? "
asked the amazed Foreign Secretary.
' ' Two caddies were talking outside
the club-house yesterday. Between
ourselves I may say that they scarcely
approved of it."
" Things turn out so differently from
what one expects," said the Foreign
Secretary in a melancholy tone. " Now
everybody liked my last alliance, and I
thought that if any one raised any
objection to this we could just call
them pro-Venezuelans and sweep the
country. But you can't call the Standard
and Times pro-Venezuelans. Do you
know what the Daily Mail said of me ? "
" Who is he ? " asked the Premier.
" It 's a newspaper, and it really was
offensive."
" Why read it then ? I never read a
paper."
"But I'm Foreign Secretary, and I
must read the papers to see what's
happening abroad."
"Did HE approve?" asked the
Premier.
" HE was away in Africa, and didn't
know."
The Premier smiled, and stepping to
the piano sang a verse of a popular song
" When JOEY comes marching home."
The unusual sound woke the Duke.
"Leave well alone," he growled, and
went to sleep again.
"That's the only advice he'll give
me," said the Foreign Secretary plain-
tively. " What is the use of having a
man in a Cabinet who will never say
anything but that ? "
" Didn't you even tell A-ST-N ? "
" No ; unless he read the papers as
they went through the post he knows
nothing."
"That wouldn't be the thing, would
it? I don't think .the Postmaster-
General reads the letters. Has anyone
here ever been Postmaster-General ? "
" I think I was once," said the Secre-
tary for India, " but it was long ago,
and I don't remember anything about it
except that it was a poor salary."
The Premier leant back in his chair.
"Really, L-NSD-WNE, it's very awk-
ward. You know our friend takes
offence so easily, and he has a very
bitter tongue. It 's best not to quarrel
with that Kind of man. Now there 's a
medical man, a Doctor CLIFFORD, who
would quarrel with me about vaccina-
tion. Let me see, was it vaccination ?
Yes, it must have been, for he was a
medical man. Well, I actually had to
write a pamphlet against him. It
would have been much better to have
avoided him. So, if I were you, I would
go for a little tour abroad before HE
comes back."
The Foreign Secretary's face bright-
ened.
" I '11 take a warship and go and
investigate the Hinterland of Aden."
"Very good; by all means take a
ship. You see it doesn't do to have a
row at the Cabinet meetings. It wakes
D-V-NSII-RE, and makes things most
uncomfortable."
The Duke stirred in his sleep when
his name was mentioned, and faintly
murmured; " Leave well alone."
The sitting of the Inner Cabinet was
over.
128
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 25, KC3.
"SUPPORT HOME INDUSTRIES."
THERE are who say that England's art,
Her enterprise, her gift of trade,
Hustled by men from foreign parts,
Are on the steady downward grade.
We man with strange imported stuff
The ships that held the world in fee ;
Our latest diplomatic bluff
We got it made in Germany !
Our local artists lie a-cold,
Or walk the street disguised as tramps,
While alien fists affect to mould
The bust upon our postage stamps.
When the musician's hand is heard
Extracting strains without an air,
There "s always some exotic bird
Building amid his matted hair.
Or look at SHAKSFEARE'S native field !
Does it not cause our pride a wrench
To find PINERO'S humour yield
To farces lifted from the French ?
Or pass to those more crucial things
That made us what we used to be ;
Regard the Yankee making " rings "
All round the race that ruled the Sea !
They run our fleets ; our tubes they lay ;
From them we likewise learn the trick
Of selling little twists of hay
To make the little smoker sick.
But, worse than all (and here I strike
A note too deep for ribald rhyme),
They say the immigrant ia like
To cut us out in point of crime !
Statistics prove the appalling fact
That in the artful dodger's game
These others show a verve and tact
That puts our connoisseurs to shame.
In vacant hall or social crush
Where plate is pinched or purses leek,
The foreign artist brings a blush
Upon the native's brazen cheek.
Here surely we should draw the line ;
It is a case I feel it is
Where honest men might well combine
In aid of local industries.
I care not much though alien folk
In other spheres assume the van ;
But he that wants to pick my poke
Must be a true-born Englishman.
Free Trade I call a noble creed ;
1 'd hate to see that fetish crack ;
And yet at times I think we need
The other kind of commerce back.
As buds that fear an April gale
Ask them to face the cold, they can't ;
They need Protection, being frail,
Such is the British burglar's plant.
LOWTHER ! on you I urge his claim,
To you this task of love assign ;
So in the heavens by the name
Of " BURGLAR'S JEMMY " vou shall shine !
0. S.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
PAYING a sort of flying-fish visit to the West Indies, my
Baronite happed upon ^1 Narrative of a Journey up the Caura
River, by E. ANDRE. The Caura flows through trackless
pathways of Guiana. Since the time of WALTER RALEIGH
it lias ever fascinated explorers. Spaniards dreamed of a
golden city somewhere on its banks. Three centuries ago
expedition after expedition left the plateau of Quito in
search of it. RALEIGH, in his work describing the Discovery
of Guiana, chronicles a report ("for my own part I am
resolved is true ") that the dwellers by the banks of the
Caura "have their eyes in their shoulders, their mouths in
the middle of their breasts, a long train of hair growing
backward between their shoulders." Is this, by the way,
the source of SHAKSPEARE'S dream of
Men whose heads
Do grow beneath their shoulders ?
Mr. ANDRE, accompanied by seven men, including two expert
hunters, started on his adventurous journey en November 29,'
1900. On May 22 in the following year a boat-load of
starved human beings, transformed beyond recognition,
reached the settlement nearest to the trackless waste over
which some of them had literally crawled back. Returning
after making their way southward as far as the moun-
tain Amelia, their dugout was wrecked in one of the
numerous rapids through which the Caura stonns its way
to join the Orinoco. With the wreck went all the hardly
earned treasures of the journey a collection of birds (some
novel to mankind), seeds, insects, herbarium specimens, and
ANDRE'S journal, containing precious notes, the work of
months. Fever-stricken, famished, the prey of insects, some
cutting their way through trackless forests, others hourly
facing the peril of shipwreck in a crank dugout, they
doggedly won their way back to civilisation. The book,
printed in a local newspaper office in Trinidad, is accom-
panied by a portfolio of 29 photographs taken on the spot.
It deserves a wider circle of readers than this form of intro-
duction is likely to secure for it. An enterprising London
publisher might find it worth looking up.
In A Castle in Spain (SMITH, ELDER & Co.), Mr. BERNARD
CAPES has given us a romance of thrilling interest. Many
of the dramatic situations are such as GUSTAVE DORE, or,
before him, GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, would have seized upon
as offering great chances. The scene, in the latter part of
the story, where the dwarf a veritable "Dwarf of Blood,"
to quote the signature to some of the raciest articles in a
certain pink publication performs prodigies of valour, would
have furnished either of the above-mentioned artists with a
splendid opportunity for their blackest and whitest. The
writer's style is reminiscent of THACKERAY in Esmond, of
ANTHONY HOPE, of " Q," and in certain parts of GEORGE
MEREDITH, especially when his epigram tends towards ob-
scurity. To get all these authors at their best in one novel
is no small achievement ; yet it is a salad of which the
peculiarly attractive flavour is the. author's own secret.
Taken for all in all, it is one of the very best romances the
Baron has come across for some considerable time.
A stimulating commencement characterises GEORGE GRIF-
FITH'S The World Masters (JoHX LONG), but the interest is
allowed to drop iintil the eighth chapter, when it is revived,
yet only for a while. "Ah! " sighs the Baron, "to what
sensational uses would not Sherlock Holmes have put the
material that this author had at his command ? But ' such
an honest chronicler as GRIFFITH ' will soon give us some-
thing better, something more stirring. So till then, GRIFFITH,
farewell ! nay Patience ! till his next romance," quoth the
sanguine BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
irXCIl. 0|{ TIIK LONDON CHAIMVAIM. FKIIKI AKY 1~>, 11)03.
FOREIGN COMPETITION.
BRITISH HABITUAL CRIMINAL. " WELL, IF THESE 'ERE FURRIN ALIENS IS A-GOIN' TER TAKE
THE BREAD OUT OF A HONEST MAN'S MOUTH BLIMEY IF I DON'T TURN COPPER ! "
FEBRUARY 25, 19U3.J
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
131
MR. PUNCH'S SKETCHY
INTERVIEWS.
XII. SIR HUBERT PARRY.
" AVAST there ! " cried the genial
Director of the Royal College of Music,
playfully saluting us with a belaying
pin and several marlinspikes, as we
entered his sumptuous sanctum in
Prince Consort Road. Sir HUBERT, it
should be explained, was originally
intended for the Navy, and to this day
spends all his available leisure on the
briny deep. But having inadvertently
Invnmea Bachelor of Music while still
at Eton, it was impossible for him to
be altogether wedded to the ocean
wave. Proceeding from Eton to Exeter
College, Oxford, he took kindly to
cricket, and foreshadowed his distinction
He spends all his available leisure on the
briny deep.
in other fields of activity by his free
and easy scoring. After Oxford the
naval instinct once more asserted itself,
and for a short time he occupied a desk
at Lloyd's, where he edited a collection
of sailors' "chanties," and practised
assiduously on the tromba marina.
Encouraged by the reception of these
efforts, young PARRY studied composition
under HERRESHOFF, KIEL, DANNREUTHEB,
and, having submitted a masterly
exercise in demonstration of the
hitherto unsuspected truth that two
consecutive fifths are equal to a sub-
merged tenth, was granted his certificate
as Master Mariner, and was shortly
afterwards appointed musical critic to
the Pilot. Hi a deep interest in the
Mercantile Marine was further evinced
in the fact that perhaps his most
resounding success was achieved in a
cantata richly scored for a Pair of
Sirens. His notorious prowess as a
" Premature baldness rendered it absolutely
impossible for me to attain distinction as a
pianistic virtuoso."
swimmer ia fitly commemorated in his
incidental music to the Frogs, while his
favourite song is "L'esperto nocchiero."
The readiness with which Sir HUBERT
vouchsafed information on these points
encouraged us to ask a few further
questions.
" Have you time," we asked, "to play
any instrument nowadays? "
" Nary a blooming one," was the
prompt response. Then with a swift
return to the decorous diction of the
Evolution of Music, he added, " Unfor-
tunately premature baldness rendered
it absolutely impossible for me to attain
distinction as a pianistic virtuoso."
"Is it true, Sir HUBERT," we timidly
queried, " that in one of your lectures
you alluded to the old Masters as 'those
old buffers ' ? "
"Great Cesar Cui ! " exploded the
Director, "did I really now? Well, it
" I have a bomb-proof turret into which I
retire at times."
shan't occur again. But I sometimes
forget that I am a Choragus, and lapse
into the breezy vernacular. You see
it 's harder to play the part when you
don't look it." We may add that it is
the great sorrow of Sir HUBERT Js life
that no stranger ever took him for a
musician.
Adroitly changing the subject we
then inquired :
" Which do you think the greater
composer, RICHARD STRAUSS or SOUSA ? "
" 0, come now," said Sir HUBERT
PARRY, " you might as well ask me the
difference between a March King and a
March Hare or a May Queen," he
added, as a familiar strain of STERNDALE
BENNETT'S floated up the corridor. " Per-
sonally I am more akin to SOUSA, as we
are both J.P.'s."
"Your duties then must be very
arduous ? "
" They are indeed. The crew of the
To take a flying leap into a passing hansom
was the work of fewer seconds than it takes to
describe.
Royal College numbers upwards of 400,
and, as they all sing or play, the noise is
sometimes tremendous. However, I
have a bomb-proof turret into which I
retire at times. And then I have a
splendid set of officers an eloquent
PARRATT, an ARBOS who is never up a
tree, a WOOD who never shivers his tim-
bers, a BRIDGE who plays his game two-
handed wonderful fellows all of them."
" And what are your recreations ? "
" Well, an occasional novel being a
skipper comes in handy there and
attending my parish council in Glouces-
tershire. And that reminds me that I
have only eight minutes to catch my
train at Paddmgton. You '11 excuse me
if I leave you."
To light a powerful cigar, to seize his
coat, hat, and a huge bundle of MS.
132
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 25, 1903.
score, take a flying leap into a passing hansom, was for
Sir HUBERT the work of fewer seconds than it takes us to
describe his meteoric movements. From his courteous
registrar, who accompanied us to the vestibule, we learned
that the Director is causing his friends no little anxiety by
his avowed intention of purchasing a submarine yacht,
having so often previously attempted to commit Parrycide
on sea and land.
PRODUCTION OF MR. JABBERJEE'S PLAY.
(Communicated by the Author.)
I.
IF I may be justified to form an opinion from more than one
epistle forwarded to myself from Punch's Offices, there are
already many millions of habitual playgoers who are on the
qui vive of expectancy to witness my unparagoned drama of
Mr. Frankenstein represented on some first-class London
stage.
I can assure them it is no fault of their humble
servant's that they have had to wait so long for such a
desiderated spectacle. For I embraced an early opportunity
of furnishing every London acting-manager of any impor-
tance whatever with type-written scenarioes and sample
extracts but so far without receiving even the bare
courtesy of a nude acknowledgment !
I have also used best endeavours to personally buttonhole
some of the bigger theatrical wigs and enlist their sym-
pathies on my behalf, but it appears that these illustrious
Thespians are such inordinate lovers of seclusion that it is
humanly impossible to interview them on any pretext.
However, Audae.es Fortuna juvat ! and, not being a steed
that I can starve while the stable-door is being so insou-
ciantly shut in my face, I have luckily fallen in. with a
benign and magnanimous patron, who has generously
undertaken to do the necessary to insure me a popular
hearing.
This high-minded personage enjoys the double-barrelled
appellation of Mr. CHESEBOROUGH DUCROW, and he is so
violently in love with my Tragedy that he is prepared to
produce same at a fashionable West End Theatre as a
matinee-performance, on the terms that he shall furnish the
requisite company, sceneries, &c., on my provision of the
wherewithal for all monetary expenses.
These latter I shall easily recoup by sales of admission-
tickets on the share-and-share-alike principle, and he assures
me that countless tip-top managerial swells and dramatical
critics will be all agog to behold such a rara avis as a
drama by a native Indian gentleman, and that I am certain
to secure a very bulky whale by the expenditure of a mere
sprat.
Moreover, I shall have the immense advantage of being
interpreted by players all of whom are guaranteed au fails,
for it appears that Mr. DUCROW is the official Principal of a
Select Dramatic College, and he has promised to pick out
only such of his alumnuses upon whom, after passing very stiff
exams, he has recently conferred the degree of B.A. (Bachelor
of Acting).
This is a distinction which is not possessed even by
Managers of Hia Majesty's, Haymarket, Garrick, Adelphic,
or indeed any other similar establishment, and Mr. DUCROW
declares to me that if such Acting-Managers were to present
themselves for a pass-certificate, he would be compelled as a
conscientious to plough the entire boiling !
Still I may confidentially hint to Honbles BEERBHOME,
MAUDE-ROBERTSON, BOUTCHER, & Co. that I am already so firmly
established in Mr. DUCROW'S good books that any nominee
of mine would infallibly obtain a firstrate degree perhaps
without more than a pro forma exam. But it would of
course be unreasonable to expect me to exert influence for
any individual who is too churlish to scratch my back in
return ! Am I understood, Misters ? . . .
I have now had the honour to be introduced to my
Company.
Mr. SnxiFHAKT (who is to play the hero) is perhaps some-
what senile to enact a Collegian such as my Mr. Franken-
stein, but he engages that, by dint of a fair wig and a
modicum of grease-paint, he can transform himself to a
stripling. Besides being a certified B.A., he is the practical
tragedian, having been employed for over two months in a
provincial Sign of the Cross Company as the understudent
of a Christian martyr.
The Monster will be enacted by a Mr. FITKIN, who, for
family reasons, has adopted the stagey nomenclature of
" OSRIC BELSIZE." He is of mediocre stature, and still
entitled to plead infancy (except for legal necessities) but
of excessively buxom comely appearance.
No sooner were we acquainted than he handed me a
photographical presentment of himself as he appeared at
some charitable theatricals in SHERIDAN'S play of Masks and
Faces. I thanked him effusively for so handsome a present,
and was proceeding to promise, by way of equivalent, a
copy of my own photo in frockcoat and turband by a
Calcutta firm when he hastily explained that it was not a
gift but simply a loan-exhibit, and replaced it in his bosom-
pocket. He admits that the Monster is a big part, and is
confident that he will make something out of it.
The other gentleman-actors are also adolescents but,
though they profess that they have merely entered Mr.
DUCROW'S Academical-College "for the lark of the thing,"
it is manifest that without laborious diligence they could
not so speedily have qualified as B.A.'s.
As for the ladies, though of less juvenility, they are a
very genteel spritely set of females. Miss VIRGINIA POTT
(whose theatrical pseudonym is " OPHELIA DANESOOURT ") is
to take the part of Safie, the beautiful Turkish, and is a
middle-aged erudite spinster, and fanatical admirer of Poet
SIIAKSPEARE, the whole of whose works she has au bout des
angles and cites incessantly.
In this she is by no means on all fours with Miss ROUSIE
RAWKINS, a young maiden with a voice of rather too strident
intonations, who is to play Agatha under the appellation
of " Miss DAPHNE VANSITTART," and who blames the Bard on
the ground of his excessive coarseness.
She has, however, paid my drama the deservedly high
compliment of her opinion that it does not contain a single
line that is incapable of being spoken by a perfect lady !
For the heroine Miss Elizabeth Lavenza a certain Miss
ENID TITTENSOR has been selected. She is of somewhat
engaging exterior, but afflicted with such overweening
sheepishness that she cannot even read her part without
paroxysms of irrepressible gigglings. I am earnestly hoping
that she will exhibit greater sanr/froid by the date of
performance.
The aforesaid Mr. DUCROW has been obliged to procure
an outside urchin to play the important role of Little
Darling William to wit, a certain Master HALFRID CHUGG,
who, although extremely precocious, is as yet too callow to
become a full-fledged B.A.
Notwithstanding this, I foresee that he will prove fairly
competent to perform so infantile a character though I
shall make it a sine qua non that before his public appear-
ance he is to perform his ablutions by washing at least his
face.
Mr. CHESEBOROUGH DUCROW has secured the Royal Oak
Theatre, Westbourne Park, for my matinee performance.
It is indubitably situated more at the West End than
such soi-disant establishments as the Haymarket and His
Majesty's Theatres, and as buses are in the habit of passing
FEBRUARY 25, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.
133
it by at frequent intervals, it is, so I an:
credibly informed, the favourite pleasure
resort of all the Upper Circles.
Unluckily it is in such request that it
is not feasible to hire the stage for more
than a single afternoon, and it is there-
fore rumpulsory to hold all our rehear-
sal-practices in Mr. CiiKsKiiOROUGH Du-
CHOW'S Academy, which, being a first-
floor dra wing-room apartment in the
Euston Road, is not constructed to ac-
commodate more than three or four
characters at a time, so that in the more
populated scenes the majority must recite
their respective parts from the landing
outside.
This, however, is a small matter, since
I am told the Dramatis personal will
not be so shamefully over-crowded on
the actual stage.
! can promise that the sceneries will
be truly magnificent, as Mr. DUCROW has
undertaken that no expense shall be
spared upon same.
It only remains to announce that the
date of this superbly solemn dramatic
event is now irrevocably fixed for
Wednesday week at 2.30 P.M. Evening
dress not compulsory. There will be a
Refreshments-counter.
Readers of Punch may depend on
being allotted best seats, on forwarding
P.O. s for 7s. 6d. per head, with stamped
addressed envelopes to myself, c/o Hon-
ble Editor (whom I am entitling to
admission gratia). H. B. J.
A ROMANCE OF THE PERIOD.
[" From New York we hear of a lover who
does his wooing with a revolver. It is alleged
that he put one arm round the lady'a waist, and
with the other held a revolver to her face. Then
he threatened that if she did not agree to marry
him he would shoot her." Daily Paper.]
. . . EDWIN crept noiselessly and on
all fours to the half-opened door of the
armour-plated drawing-room. His heart
leapt within him. "ANGELINA, dreamily
gazing into the fire, was off guard !
Sliding the door gently forward, he
advanced slowly, still upon hands and
knees, until he was within the firing
line. Then, rising quickly and cocking
his revolver, he whispered tenderly,
" ANGELINA ! "
The next moment the fair object of
his desires was upon her feet ready to
give the alarm.
" Do not, dearest ANGELINA," he cried.
" But listen to me. I love you dearly,
you are the light of my eyes', the object
of my most devoted admiration and if
you move in any but one direction you
are a dead woman."
" And that direction is ? "
" Into these arms, darling," he
replied. "No! I do not mean these
fire-arms, but these human, that long
to take you captive." He paused for a
:.
IBS'
,-My
Jones. " Do TOP DRINK BETWEEN MEALS ? " Smith. " No. I EAT BETWEEN DRINKS."
Jones. " WHICH DID YOB DO LAST ? " Smith. " DBINK."
Jones. " THEN WE 'D BETTER oo AND HAVE A SANDWICH AT ONCE ! "
moment and then continued softly :
' Immediately hand over the key of your
icart or I shall have to open fire upon
you."
For a moment the beautiful girl was
uncertain what to do. She knew that
f her father were communicated with
re would quickly bring the family
lowitzer which had already accounted
for fourteen* swains to bear upon the
inemy. Even now he might be march-
ng to her relief. Her brother, too, she
bought, was only in the garden, and
might be reconnoitring the enemy's
position from the outside. She must
old out at all costs. Putting her hand
nto her pocket, she drew forth her
handkerchief and waved it aloft. " The
white flag!" he exclaimed; "well,
what do you want ? "
" An armistice for a quarter of an
hour," replied the brave girl.
"Ha! 1 * he said. "I see. You are
looking for reinforcements. But my
brother GEORGE is covering your brother's
advance from the garden, and your
father is already in hospital. Must I
open fire ? " He added the last words
in a tremulous tone.
She looked around her for any aid.
But there was none in prospect.
" I surrender," she said.
The next moment EDWIN had taken
her prisoner.
134
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI.
[FEBKUARY 25, 1903.
"THE COUNTRY LUNCH CLUB."
[According to the Daily Graphic of Feb. 18, an organisation has been
formed to encourage City men to journey out of town to Borne ple.-isant
place twenty miles or more away, consume a midday meal, and get
back to business almost as soon as their clerks. Ouildford was selected
as the venue for the initial exodus of the Club.]
OH to be in Guildford,
Now the Lunch Club 's there,
And -whoever lives in Guildford
Sees some morning, unaware,
A hungry crowd beyond belief
Rush up the street for a visit brief
To the " Chequers," the " Jolly Farmer," the " Plough,"
In Guildford now !
After each train-load, one more follows,
Migrating like a flock of swallows ;
They one and all have taken a solemn pledge
To sniff the turnips and to feed in clover.
That 's the Prize Pig ; he eats each course twice over,
Lest you should think he never could recapture
The first fine rural rapture !
When all the bosses such a plan pursue,
And miss the train back from their pasture new,
All will be gay in London when they dower
Their staff thus with an extra playful hour !
PITY THE POOR LANDOWNER!
THE Liberty and Property Defence League from time to
time raises its voice in lamentation over the crushing cha-
racter of the Death Duties. In fact the League seems
inclined to agree with the lady in the play who declared,
" What with the duties expected of you during your life,
and the duties exacted from you after your death, land is
rapidly ceasing to be either a profit or a pleasure. It gives
you a position and prevents you from keeping it up. That
is all that can be said about land ! "
The following letters which Mr. Punch has received on
the subject seem to show that that dictum was but too
well founded.
The DUKE OF LOAMSHIRE writes : " Owing to Sir WILLIAM
HAUCOURT'S iniquitous tax I have been compelled to a series
of retrenchments of the most distressing nature. Of my
nine country seats I have been obliged to close temporarily
no less than three. One of these, it is true, is in Ireland,
and as it has not been occupied for the last twenty years
this is no great inconvenience. But the loss of the other
two I feel keenly. The stables at Loam are now a perfect
desert. Nothing is left in them save a few hunters, a hack
or two, and the Duchess's carriage horses. While of our
twelve thousand acres of shooting in Fifeshire no less than
seven thousand are now let ! Such is the state of indigence
to which this crushing impost has reduced us ! "
Sir GORGIUS MIDAS, Bart., writes:" The profound sorrow
which the death of my late father caused the country is only
equalled by the poignant pecuniary distress it has occasioned
his son. Lady MIDAS and myself have actually been com-
pelled to let our house in Park Lane, and are now living
penuriously in South Audley Street. The most rigid
economy is necessary in our household expenditure. One
of the under cooks has been dismissed, also the third coach-
man ; and we now have only five footmen. I need not point
out the unmerited suffering which this state of things must
have caused to the dependants whose services we have been
compelled to dispense with."
Mr. JOHN BLOGGINS, son of the well-known South African
millionaire, writes : " The amount of the death duties pay-
able upon my father's estate will be not less than five
hundred thousand pounds. In order to raise this sum
without encroaching on the capital it will be necessary to
curtail even necessary expenditure upon his numerous
English estates, raise the rents of his tenants wherever
possible, dismiss all servants, gardeners and gamekeepers
who are getting past their work, and, of course, abandon
all subscriptions to charitable and other benevolent and
public objects whatsoever. The last of these will be a serious
deprivation to me, as it will mean the almost indefinite post-
ponement of the knighthood on which I had set my heart.
I am sure you will agree with me, Sir, that a financial
expedient which has this deplorable result is entirely un-
worthy of even a mediocre Statesman ! "
TO A " CHUCKER-OUT."
(By a Gentleman on the Black List.)
WILLIAM (a person unsurpassed in size),
Thy bosom, tender as the brooding hen's is,
Might wring a teardrop from the grossest eyes,
And move the dullest to poetic frenzies ;
And yesternight, as round thy feet I clung,
I swore thy charms should never go unsung.
Men know thee well ; the organ-grinder's boy
Eyes thee askance and moves discreetly on ;
The languorous housemaid winks on thee for joy,
Thou art so beautiful to look upon.
Oft have I heard the unrequited sigh
From love-lorn Duchesses that pass thee by.
WILLIAM, dost thou recall how on a day
I backed my first and only Derby winner,
And subsequently fell an easy prey
To Bacchus at a rather lavish dinner,
And how I started up the mazy street
Poised on a pair of disconnected feet ?
Thy hand it was that with a mother's care
Unhooked me from an irresponsive stranger,
That haled me to a hansom by the hair
And placed me, still protesting, out of danger ;
Thy tongue restrained with eloquent appeal
The strenuous constable's unholy zeal.
WILLIAM, alas ! a Law severe and new
Enacts that he who falls a prey to liquor.
Whose limbs grow light beneath the potent brew,
Whose speech with each ensuing draught grows thicker
Shall be debarred the moist abodes of sin,
And that thou may'st not, canst not let him in !
And I must thirst ! 'twere idle to resist,
Bearing the law's deep dudgeon still in mind ;
Within thy poke there lies an awful List :
The yet more awful Beak looms large behind !
And even thou, without mine ancient haunt,
Dost wave thy frowning feet and cry, " Avaunt ! "
The times are changed and we must alter" too,
Who oft enjoyed congenial carouses ;
The flowing bowl must rigidly eschew,
Or seek the same in alien public-houses,
Where still perchance refreshment we may claim,
Unknown alike to potmen and to Fame.
COLLUSION? In Sporting Life (Feb. 14) the Committee of
the Waterloo Coursing Meeting advertised that " the
arrangements previously made with pickpockets and welshers
will be continued."
MOTTO FOE SIR FREDERICK LUQAHD. " Arma virumque
Kano."
FEBRUARY 25, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
135
VARIETY.
Extract from a Globe-trotter's Correspondence : " DEAR JACK, You TALK ABOUT THE] CHANOEABLENESS OF THE WEATHER AT HOME, BUT
EVEN IN THE SHINY EAST WE GET A FEW SAMPLES IN THE COURSE OF TWENTY-FOUR HOURS, AS ABOVE."
CHARIVARIA.
SOMEONE who thinks Ping-Pong suc-
ceeded because of its pretty title has
invented a game called " Wibbly-Wob."
Oyster-lovers may like to know that,
according to an eminent medical man,
the bivalves are entirely free from
danger if first thoroughly soaked in
carbolic. .
There is still a considerable amount
of discontent among solicitors at the
decision of many County Court Judges
that they must wear their gowns. It
is felt that a change should be made
either in the gowns of the solicitors or
those of the Court ushers in order that
the public may know which is which.
It will be remembered that barristers
are allowed to wear wigs.
Mr. FISHER UNWIN has published a
book entitled Augustus, and it is having
an enormous sale among patrons of
comic literature, whose language is
terrible to hear when they discover it to
be a serious treatise on the founder of
the Roman Empire.
And Mr. GAMBIER BOLTON'S A Book of
Beasts is being freely ordered by all
sorts of objectionable persons, to see
whether they have been found out.
Mr. JOHN PHILIP SOUSA has again been
accused of theatricality. The current
number of the Lady's Magazine pub-
lishes his portrait in ''Some Notes on
our Theatrical Favourites."
In the Chamber of Deputies, M.
BINDER has called M. COMBES a chame-
leon, and it was noticed that the PRIME
MINISTER distinctly changed colour at
the accusation.
A clever young surgeon is said to be
studying the question of the possibility
of making dogs talk. There is little
doubt that a fortune awaits the man
who will make cats keep quiet.
The village of Ontario, Ohio, boasts
of a boy only four months old who
whistles a variety of tunes learned from
his father during the latter's endeavours
to lull him to sleep. He also possesses
a voice of wonderful power. The father
is distracted.
There is likely to be trouble between
the Hon. JAMES W. S. LANGERMAN and
the Daily Express. In an interview in
that paper on the subject of Morocco
the Hon. JAMES W. S. LANGERMAN is
made to say : " The Sultan is very fond
of his horses, mechanical contrivances
of all kinds, and his private Zoo. On
one occasion when I was there . . . ."
The scene of the play, A Snug Little
Kingdom, now running at the Royalty,
is not laid in Saxony.
PROFESSIONAL MODESTY. Mr. HAT.T.
CAINE has written to a branch of the
" Dickens Fellowship " in the following
generous terms : ' ' The revi val of interest
in DIOKENS is perhaps the most remark-
able literary event of my time." May
one conjecture what lies behind the reser-
vation in that saving word " perhaps " ?
136
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 1 J 5, 1903.
First Golfer (to second golfer, who is caught in a bunker). " WELL, JONES TOLD ME THIS MORNING HE DID THIS HOLE YESTERDAY IN FOUE."
Second Golfer (who stammers). "!F JONES S-S-SAID HE DID IT i}J FOUR, HE WAS A L-L-L-L "
First Golfer. " STEADY, FRIEND, STEADY ! " Second Golfer. " HE WAS A L-LUUKY BEGGAR ! "
THE THEATRICAL "PAR." OF
THE FUTURE.
THE new play at the Grand is full of
novelties, and should be seen by every-
one. The opening scene a rockbouncl
coast makes a most effective back-
ground for the oyster- white satin gown
trimmed with ecru motifs and punched
lace insertion worn by the heroine a
fisher-maiden. The stole of curled coque
feathers which she assumes as the red
limelight betokens the approach of the
dinner-hour is very smart, as is also the
comfy-looking sealskin coat that the
appearance of the moon renders abso-
lutely de rigueur. The moonlight
maillete embroideries are also nicely in
keeping. The Second Act introduces
us to a bevy of pretty girls in wool
fascinators, who flit gaily about a corn-
field in wonderful zibeline costumes
with swallow-tailed basques, and pngoda
cuffs faced with ermine. The fisher-
maiden's hat of draped ivory areophane,
and her sacque with flat revers of dark
red skunk bordered with plisse chiffon,
are worth going miles to see. There is
a sprinkling of men in the piece, who
afford useful relief.
The revival of Aurora Floyd at the
Britannia the other night was marked
by an extraordinary niggardliness on
the part of the management. Most of
the dramatis personal had absolutely
nothing to wear the old housekeeper,
for instance, coming on in the same
black silk throughout the entire even-
ing. Even the lady who played the
name-part was afforded no opportunity
of clianging her dresses except be-
tween the Acts. There is no reason
why the action of each scene should
not be suspended during her necessary
occasional absences for this purpose.
Other theatres now give us these
pauses, full of the most thrilling
anticipatory interest.
We regret to say the costumes in
Hamlet at the Polytechnic are very old-
fashioned. The play is, however, worth
seeing for the sake of the wrinkles for
fancy dresses that may be obtained
from a close study of it. Hamlet's suit
of sable musquash lined with mink,
though certainly uncommon, could,
however, only be worn in a ball-room
by a very young girl. The same re-
mark applies to Ophelia's bathing-suit
of crepe de chine.
COLOURABLE IMITATION.
Or, a J. M. Baii'iesment of Titles.
THE sincerest form of flattery has
already overtaken The Little White Bird.
A publisher announces The Little Red
Fish. We understand that the follow-
ing works are in preparation :
The Little
The Little
The Little
The Little
The Little
The Little
The Little
The Little
The Little
The Little
Blue Bottle ;
Blue Pill ;
Black Eye ;
Pink Pearl ;
Purple Emperor ;
Brown Boot ;
Yellow Jaundice ;
Scarlet Fever ;
Grey Hair ;
Gold Stopping.
FKOM the Liverpool Daily Post we ex-
tract the following advertisement of what
may be called Co-incidental Music :
PHILHARMONIC HALL.
His MAJESTY'S GRENADIER GUARDS' BAND.
March " Stars and Stripes for Ever "
(at 3 and 8). Sousa.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON HI AKIYAiM. FI:IU;I UJY 26. I'.iu::.
DEAD WEIGHT.
MASTER BALTOUR. " IT 'S ALWAYS THE SAME, I NEVER CAN GET THIS THING TO START ! "
JOHN BULL. " WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WITH ALL THAT RUBBISH HANGING ON TO IT ? "
FEBRUARY 25, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
139
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIAET or TOBY, M.P.
I* 1 !*-
tL
-?
*/
,
AMENDED DESIGN FOR THE STATE COACH.
llnuse of Lords, Tuesday, Feb. 17.
Parliament opened with pomp and cir-
cumstance attending presence of the
Sovereign. The more things change,
the more they resemble each other.
To-day EDWARD, erstwhile PRINCE OF
WALES, now King EDWARD THE SEVENTH,
sits on the Throne and, wearing in
plai'f of crown the plumed hat of a
Field-Marshal, reads his Speech. When,
three hours after, the Lords were
embarked in debate on Address, a later
PRINCE OF WALES, gazing on the empty
Throne, listened from the familiar seat
at corner of front cross bench. Thus
AMDUATH to AMORATH succeeds.
Not much of a crowd in either House.
Ministerialists and Opposition duly mus-
(For Parliamentary Purposes.)
tered. But Members recognise unreality
of proceeding. Long, rambling debate
on Address ostensibly takes form of
I attack on Ministers with respect to things
', done or left undone during Recess. But
', Opposition leaders cannot screw courage
to sticking point of moving vote of
censure. That being so, PRINCE ARTHUR
insists that House might just as well,
! even better, get to work on legislative
: business, dealing with controversial
questions as they present themselves in
practical form. (See Cartoon.)
Suggestion characteristically bland ;
it is certainly childlike. Parliament,
! especially Commons, knows its own
business better. Year after year always
days or fortnight. Not going to trounce
tradition, betray dearest privilege of
Britisher and Irishman because it is
mere waste of time, to be made up later
in Session by hustling Bills and Money
votes through final stages.
is deadly dull
Houses direfully
All the same it
proceedings in both
tedious. The Lords momentarily com-
forted by Return of that eminent Native
the MARKISS. Since he stepped down
from altitude of Premiership not been
seen at Westminster. This afternoon,
noble Lords, in anticipation of debate
on Address, yawning at each other across
the floor, sharply waked up at observa-
tion of the MARKISS ambling in. Seemed
talkee talkee round Address for ten j most natural thing in the world that, as
140
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 25, 1903.
he passed between Ministerial Bench, and
Table, he should drop into old seat in
which of late years he has slept away
an hour of many summer afternoons.
Headed straight on, crossed Gangway,
came to anchor on front bench below.
Here, in company with that other great
statesman retired from business, GRAND
CROSS, he sat and listened to SPENCER
and COUNTY GUY toiling at the Table,
wrestling over the Address.
No more for him the labouring oar.
If Bishops go wrong or Irish landlords
grow unruly, let others look to it. For
him rest evermore, and enjoyment of
this new aspect of familiar scene.
Never before has the MARKISS sat below
the Gangway in House of Lords.
Situation familiar to Lord ROBERT CECIL
in House of Commons fifty years ago.
When he succeeded to the peerage he
was already of Ministerial rank, with
right of place on either Front Bench
according as his party was in or out.
On one or other he has sat these thirty-
five years.
How delightful and instructive it
would be if, inspired and invigorated
by below-the-gangway atmosphere, the
MARKISS, reverting to the ROBERT CECIL
frame of mind, would occasionally
express his view% not only on the imper-
fections of the Opposition, but on the
laches of noble Lords on the Ministerial
Bench !
Business done. Session opens.
House of Commons, Thursday. BEER-
BOHM TREE produces at Haymarket what
lie calls TOLSTOY'S Resurrection. T. R.
Westminster, not to be outdone by minor
modern house, brings out " Resurrection
of JESSE COLLINGS." Immense success ;
standing room only ; Matinees, Wednes-
days and Saturdays.
Contributory to triumph was the
unexpectedness. No preliminary puffs ;
no billing of the town ; no advertise-
ments "under the clock." Sitting set
apart for debate on condition of Unem-
ployed ; initiated by DON'T KEIR HARDIE,
seconded by JOHN BURNS in finely
turbulent speech. Then, to all men's
marvel and much delight, enter JESSE
COLLINGS, astride the historic cow,
gravely prancing round the once familiar
Three Acres.
Which thing is an allegory. What
really happened was that, the old, old
question of the Unemployed springing
up, JESSE remembered him of the
unfailing panacea, his own Small Hold-
ings Act. Put that in universal opera-
tion, and there you are ; every poor man
in the kingdom possessing three acres
and one cow, living happily together
ever afterwards.
Only old Members like SARK appreciate
all the history that lies behind this
simple incident. Here was the Member
for BORDESLEY, after meteoric flight
adown the Treasury Bench, once more
on benches below Gangway, where,
Radical among Radicals, he, nearly a
quarter of a century ago, began his
useful, honourable career. In corre-
sponding position on other side just
seventeen years ago, forestalling DE
WET'S tactics, he drove his cow before
him in attack on the Government of
Lord SALISBURY, then in office ; adroitly
got the beast between the MARKISS 's
legs ; upset him on the veld of the
Three Acres ; brought back Mr. G., the
Home Rule Bill up his sleeve ; led to
rout of Liberal Party ; hustled them
into the wilderness ; made possible a
A Disordered Recollection of the Seconder
of the Address.
(Capt. Hon. R-n-ld Gr-v-lle.)
Unionist Government and all that lias
happened since 1886.
There 's history for you. And all
about a cow !
Members listening to J. C., scanning
his benevolent visage as he proffers
Small Allotments alike to the many-
acred Squire and the impecunious
Radical, forget all this, or never knew
it. Perhaps the venerable Three-Acred
cowkeeper doesn't himself realise the
irony of situation. Since first he led
his patient beast round the floor of
House of Commons he has himself
boxed the political compass. Now,
nearing the end, he finds himself once
more a private Member, seated below
the Gangway, staking out his Three
Acres, pathetically milking the old
familiar cow.
Business done. Discussion on con-
dition of the Unemployed.
Friday night. Years ago JOKIM, still
with us in the Commons, ruling the
Queen's Navee under the flag of the
MARKISS, confided to the MEMBER FOR
SARK his hankering for emancipation.
He wanted, he said, to complete a work
long in hand, being a record of the
Life and Times of his grandfather.
After long, honourable, public service,
JOKIM, to the irreparable loss of the
Commons, has soared into another
place, and is now Viscount GOSCHEN.
His literary work is finished, and Mr.
MURRAY issues it in two portly volumes.
The title is of itself an epitome -of
family history, of which those who bear
the name may well be proud. The Life
and Times of Georg Joachim Goschen,
Publisher and Printer, by his Grandson,
Viscount Goschen. Little did the pub-
lisher and printer in his small shop at
Leipsic, moving heaven and earth and
KORNER to raise 450, the modest
capital necessary to his business, dream
that a hundred and eighteen years later
a London firm would be publishing his
Life, the writer being his own grandson,
a peer of the United Kingdom of Great
Britain and Ireland.
Lord GOSCHEN'S ability as debater,
almost orator, has been long established
in Parliament and on the platform. In
his book he discloses possession of gift
of admirable literary style. This combi-
nation rare ; was conspicuously lacked
by his early master in political life. Over
Mr. G.'s written pages ran the taint of
sinuous sentences, loosely constructed,
well enough in spoken speech, fatal to
a written book. The grandson lovingly
limns the Leipsic publisher industrious,
strenuous, scrupulously honest, occa-
sionally sentimental, always with an eye
on the till. In the way of business this
early GOSCHEN came into close commu-
nication with SCHILLER, WIELAND, GOETHE,
and other literary giants who flourished
in the last quarter of the eighteenth
century. Of these the grandson pre-
sents cameo studies that add largely to
the interest and value of the work.
Business done. Still talking round
the Address.
[" Miss MARIE CORELLI asks us to state that
she is not, and never will be, a ' biographer '
of her own life." Morning Post.]
Is it too late to ask the talented
author to reconsider her decision, when
we remind her how a like omission
on the part of a writer haling from
the same neighbourhood plunged the
world, three centuries after his death,
into the great BACON controversy. Why
should the generations of the 23rd
Century suffer as we have suffered ?
FEBRUARY 25, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
141
l-li'
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.
[FEBRliAKY 23, 1903.
HOW TO GET ON.
No. VH.
IN A CAGE.
GKEAT ST. ANDREW STREET is
one of the pointers of Seven
Dials. On the opposite side
of the Dial-face is Little St.
Andrew Street, which is, in
fact, a continuation of the
great one, and in its outward
form precisely similar to it.
There are five other streets
leading out of the Dials, all
bearing a strong family like-
ness to the two I have named
and to one another. The
Seven Dials (if we may, for
convenience, use it as a
singular word) has had pub-
licity thrust upon it. It was
born in retirement and,
though its life is busy
enough, it could never have
achieved its present conspicu-
ousness but for the various
improvements which have
swept away many of the ad-
joining slums. If you remove
an ancient and embedded
stone you find underneath it
strange shapes of life that
hurry away in a vain effort to
hide from the unaccustomed
glare of day. So it must have
been in the Dials and its
purlieus when the London
County Council first drew the
kindly veil of slumdom from
it and exposed it to the public view. Now, however, it
has grown accustomed to the light ; its denizens have
recovered their former equanimity, and it gets through its
day's and night's work with something of its former zest.
So far there is no writing on its walls, but sooner or later,
I make no doubt, the County Council's hand of doom must
be laid upon it, and it will become a mockery and a
memory. Even now there is over it and its seven streets
an indescribable atmosphere, made up of decaying vege-
tables, tattered matrons in apron and slippers, infants with
dirty faces playing amongst the hoofs of horses, coster-
mongers' carts, cats, puppies, pigeons, and tawdry finery
the atmosphere that foretells the inevitable coming of the
surveyor who is to plan it out into broad avenues lined with
stately houses, having first levelled it with the ground.
My business, however, is not so much with the Dials itself
as with Great St. Andrew Street, which is one of its issues.
Through this street I am compelled to walk several times a
week on my way to the house of toil. It has, of course,
shops of different kinds, but they are all dominated by one
kind of shop which gives the region its special character
the kind which is devoted to dogs, cats, rabbits, and birds.
This is a feature of the street which you cannot miss. It
is useless to turn your head away from the poor little fox-
terrier curled tip in his cage, with his patient back presented
to the insufferable loungers who poke their sticks between
the wires and try to rouse him into the animation which
ought to mark a fox-terrior, and which would doubtless
mark this one too, if he had the free use of his active little
legs and could scurry barking over the grass and exchange
Air. TULCH Mouse.
KNOW."
Mr. Wild Rabbit.
STSTEM OF TUBES."
amenities with other barking,
lively, impertinent canine
friends it is useless, I say,
to attempt to avoid such a
sight by turning your head
from him, for on the opposite
side of the street it 's ten to
one you '11 have to look at
some other pitiful captives,
caged and cramped through
all the hours of God's day.
You can't get away from the
sight, so look at it and try to
learn its lessons.
Now if you were put to live
in Great St. Andrew Street
in ;i cage similarly propor-
tioned to your size, a cage in
which you could just stand up
and only just lie down, what
a beating of bars and a bel-
lowing there would be ! Can't
you imagine your letter to the
Times (written with a lump
of coal on a stray rag of dirty
paper), and the arrival of the
police, the release of the
furious prisoner, the question
in the House of Commons, the
fall of the Government which
had failed to prevent the out-
rage, and the action for false
irnprisonmentwith its 10,000
damages "? You 're a free-
born, two-legged man, and,
begad. Sir, you 're not going
to submit to such a horror
you 're not even going
to give yourself the pain of
imagining its dreadful possi-
bility. Of course I must not really compare you to dogs
and cats and birds. These poor creatures can't form abstract
ideas, I 'm told. They can't even think of justice and mercy
and goodness. They don't go to church. Nobody, since
the time of ST. FRANCIS, has ever preached to any of their
kind. They don't read daily papers, or vote at elections, or
scowl at their wives when the mutton is tough. Heaven,
which denied to them these felicities, has, however, in its
wisdom given them an ineradicable hatred of cages, though
they can't write odes to freedom or make speeches about it.
Civilisation has made them man's dependants, and man,
flying in the face of Heaven, coops them up behind wires
and takes joy and movement out of their humble lives.
There is a cat, a long-haired Persian tabby, in Great
St. Andrew Street. She Eves on the pavement-tier of cages
of one of the shops. Every day I see her as I walk. There
she sits on her litter of straw behind the wires, sits and sits
with that air of almost pathetic reserve and dignity and
inscrutable mysterious distance which marks cats of her
race in repose. It seems almost a sacrilege to interfere
with her, or to approach her with the compliments to which
house-cats are used. Just try her, however. Give her a
"Pussy, poor pussy!" and insert a finger to scratch her
behind an ear. Instantly she is on her feet, her face one
broad smile of happy recognition. She rubs herself against
your finger, circling round her cage, and as you withdraw
she puts out an appealing paw in a vain effort to retain you.
When you look back she is sitting again, looking out with
the old stony impassivity on the life and bustle of the heed-
less street. At any rate, that cat knows how to behave in
'WE HUN ABOUT Town IN MOTOR-CARS NOW, vm:
"WELL, WE CAN'T FIND ANYTHING TO BEAT OUR
FKIIKI-AKY IT., 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
143
Great St. Andrew Street. She makes
no fuss ; I have never even heard her
mew, but I do not infer from this
uncomplaining attitude that she loves
her cage and the prisoned life she leads
in it. Please take a look at her when
you happen I" lie passing that way.
She is a beautiful cat, and a very kind
and gentle and grateful one.
RHY.MKS OF THFC EAST.
A VALEDICTION.
(Offered, on the spot, by an Exile, to the last of
the homeward Durbar Linen.)
Now the busy screw is churning ;
Now the hour has come to sail ;
Now are India's guests returning
Homeward by the weekly Mail ;
Now the gleeful Asiatic
Speeds them in their wild career,
And, though normally phlegmatic,
Gives a half-unconscious cheer.
India's years were years of leanness
Till the Greatest' Show on Earth
Summoned these, whose happy green-
ness
She has run for all 'twas worth ;
Only for a month she knew them ;
Yet, so far as one can tell,
All the land rose up to do them
(And she did) extremely well.
Peace be theirs, most goodly Packet !
Genial skies and happy calms
No derogatory racket -
No humiliating qualms ;
Gales, I charge you, shun to rouse and
Lash the seas to angry foam,
While BRITANNIA'S Great Ten Thousand
Sweep, with huge enjoyment, home !
Let the health-restoring zephyr
Waft them onward o'er the blue,
Till their spirits grow as effer-
-vescent as their hearts are true !
And, at last, they close their Indian
^ Perils, going strong and free
Never having known too windy an
Offing, too disturbed a sea!
So, when English snows are fallin',
\\ hen the IOLTS are growing dense,
They shall hear the East a-callin',
And shall eome, and blow expense!
Every y.-ar shall bring Ms Argo ;
Every year the grateful East
Shall receive her Golden Cargo,
And restore a Gilded Fleeced.
Dt'M-DUM.
De Senectute.
M. LKCOIVK. of the French Academy,
has been telling Parisian reporters how
to grow old. Many of them are follow-
ing his instructions, and are confident
of ultimate, if gradual, success.
NAME FOR A PUSH-BALL TEAM. The
Sisyphians.
CRIME AND THE EYESIGHT,
" THERB is, observed the novelist
gravely, "a bad time coming for writers
of fiction. A very bad time."
I replied that what with publishers
reckoning thirteen copies as twelve,
and editors regretting their so-called
lack of space (sic), things were, for my
humble needs, bad enough already.
Alter which I asked for details.
" I have been reading a book," said
he, " by a Dr. GEORGE M. GOULD. It is
called Biographic Clinics, and it deals
with the subject of the eyes, and their
influence on the mind, character, and
general health. I could quote exten-
sively from the volume, but I will not."
(Here I thanked him.) " Suffice it that
the author asserts that, if it were not
for defective eyesight, there would be
no crime in the world. All the crimes
that were ever committed are to be
traced directly to the absence of
spectacles."
" And yet," I said musingly, " bread
and spectacles were the ruin of Rome."
"If the Romans had thought less of
their bread and more of their spectacles,
they would have declined to fall as they
did. Take NERO. Did he wear glasses ?
Not he. Not even a monocle. And look
at his record of convictions. Same with
them all. TIBERIUS, CALIGULA, every one
of them. Utter scoundrels. And they
might have been as good as GOULD if
they had only taken ordinary care of
themselves."
"True," I said, "there is something
very pathetic in the idea. Roman
history ought to be rewritten. It is
not fair on the poor fellows. After all,
it was not their fault. Why, NERO
must turn in his grave like a teetotum
at the things that are said of him every
day at our universities and public
schools. Somebody ought to put him
right with the world. As gentle and
well-meaning a man as ever breathed,
hounded into a life of crime by the
neglect of the imperial oculist. It is
pure pathos, with the maker's name on
the label."
" Precisely," said the Novelist. " By
the way, in passing, why is Mr.
riiAMHERLAix greater than WILLIAM
PITT?"
" Because he wears an eye-glass."
" Why is IBSEN superior to SHAK-
SPEARE?"
" Because he wears spectacles."
" Exactly. Thank you very much.
To return to the subject of crime, our
whole method of dealing with our crimi-
nal classes is wrong. Why, when the
coster 's finished jumping on his
mother
"On his mother?"
"What do we do? Why, we jump
on him. His plea that lie had mislaid
his pince-nez at the moment passes
unregarded. I have known a poor
fellow, manifestly suffering from astig-
matism of the left eye, sjx>ken to very
sharply for assaulting a policeman. The
policeman said that he had had a glass
too much. Of course what he had really
had was a pair of glasses too little. It
was a most painful ease."
" But one moment," I said at this
juncture, " you seem to me to have
strayed from the point. You have not
yet explained your remark about the
bad time which is to arrive for writers
of fiction. Why is there a bad time
coining ? "
" Why, surely," he said, "it is per-
fectly obvious. In a few years everyone
will be wearing spectacles, and how are
you to write a novel of a hundred
thousand words, full of strong human
interest, when crime has been utterly
eliminated ? Will the public read a
book that is wholly good ? I can't
imagine myself writing a book that
"'Wholly good'? Ah, but that's
your modesty. Even with glasses we
can never see ourselves as others see
us.
MY RIVAL.
I 'M most dissatisfied with DICK
I don't suppose he '11 ever know it
His conduct cuts me to the quick,
.And yet I 'd rather die than show it.
My maiden meditations are
Disordered by one constant riddle :
Why should I to a motor car
Play second fiddle ?
In vain I toss my curls to show
The sweetest pair of turquoise ear-
rings ;
His thoughts are wandering, I know.
With silencers and friction gearings.
If I could find some magic drug
To change me to a carburetter,
A cylinder or sparking plug,
He 'd like me better.
And when I sing of tears the rest
Entreat for more and praise my bril-
liance,
But DICK returns with cheery zest
To themes of rubber and resilience.
When rosy dusk to moonlight melts,
And all have vanished save the
lovers,
la it a time to talk of belts
And outer covers ?
My amber voile came home to-day,
I 'm really too upset to wear it.
My heart is sore, yet, strange to say,
Day after day I grin and bear it.
He doesn't worry if I 'm stiff,
Or if I snub or talk above him ;
I 'd break it off to-morrow if
I didn't love him.
144
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 25, 1903.
LITTLE FARCES FOR THE
FORCES.
II. THE MODEL SUBALTEBN.
SCENE A Committee Room in the neigh-
bourhood of Westminster.
Round a baize-covered table are assem-
bled a Bishop, a Lady of Title, a
Little Man in spectacles, a Lady
Novelist, and a Gaunt Person with
long hair and thread gloves.
The Bishop (concluding a speech).
Under these exceptional circumstances
this advisory committee has been assem-
bled that it may indicate, if possible,
what training and education may be
desirable to make the subalterns of the
Guard Regiments persons who shall be
ornaments to their profession and useful
members of our British microcosm.
The Little Man (springing to liis feet).
" Efficiency " is the panacea, as I have
pointed out as "An Aggrieved Father,"
"An Outraged Taxpayer," and "The
Soldier's Real Friend," in various
journals. And what makes efficiency ?
Why, work. These aristocratic hooligans
do not work at Eton, and there they
learn their flogging tricks. Send 'em
to Board Schools. They do not work
in the Army, and therefore they have
time forthese blood thirsty courts-martial.
Set them marching twenty miles a day
and put them on outpost duty at night,
and then the young officers will no
longer become brutal barbarians.
The Bishop (gently). You believe in
additional work as a panacea ?
Tlie Little Man. Give 'em a sound
commercial education such as I 'ad, and
then work the life out of 'em the same
as was done to me.
The Lady Novelist (dreamily). I fancy
that this gentleman can scarcely appre-
ciate the higher side of the life militant.
What our Guardsmen really should be
are what my heroes are. They must
have curly golden hair and true-blue
eyes, the shoulders of a Hercules,
the lithe suppleness of a panther.
They must be tender as women to the
helpless, as hard as steel to ill-doers.
Such a one indeed as my Archibald Vere
de Vere in my latest book, With Lance
in Rest, published by
[TJie Bishop gently interposes.
The Lady Novelist. Did I wander
from my point? I would have no
examinations, but each stripling, after a
vigil by his arms, should swear upon
the cross of his sword-hilt.
The Little Man. They don't have
cross hilts, but open basket ones. I
know one of the firm that makes most
of 'em.
The Lady Novelist. They should swear
upon their swords to be true and tender
and to lead beautiful lives. I know
that at a glance I could recognise the
I'hi'le. "AH, MlLLY, I'M AFBAID YOU 'VE LOST YOUR MONEY OVER THAT ONE. HE'S dONE THE
WRONG WAY ! "
MiUy (at her first race-meeting'). " OH, NO, UNCLE, I 'M ALL 'RIGHT. GEORGE TOLD ME TO
BACK IT ' HOTH WAYS.' "
soul in such as would be fitted for the
life I limn, and if I were permitted
The Lady of Title. Ah, indeed ! You
think that you would like to have the
working of the appointments. In that
case what is to become of our privileges ?
I have never known a promising boy
I have asked anything for, an A.D.C.-
ship, or a D.A.A.G.-ship, ever turn out
anything but charming. The matter
should be left in our hands, and then
there would be no scandals, and a better
amusement would be found for the
ilder sons of good families than to beat
each other with canes.
The Bishop (comfortingly). Their little
hands were never made To tear each
other's eyes.
The Little Man. What, did any of 'em
lose their eyesight ? Why, I thought
that
The Bishop. A mere figure of
speech.
The Lady of Title (continuing). No
commission should be given in a crack
Regiment to any lad who cannot play
Bridge at least decently, who is not
willing to come to afternoon teas when
asked, and will not dance with elderly
girls of good family when required.
He must of course be a fair shot, other-
wise he would not be of much use in a
country house. If he can ride, of course
we shall be glad, but we should not
insist on that. If he can sing or play
on some instrument so much the better,
and certainly, if he aspires to the Staff,
he must be able to organise picnics,
theatricals and concerts. He must be
competent to write out a menu, and be
able to talk French to the cook. If he
does all these things, and if his mother
is on the visiting list of at least six of
the really great houses, I think it may
be said that the perfect officer is
secured.
The Bishop. I should suggest in addi-
tion religious tendencies of an evangeli-
cal bent.
The Titled Lady. Certainly, certainly.
The Little Man. You don't think that
the money of tax-payers is to go for a
fellow of that kind ?
The Gaunt, Man. Now I am entirely
opposed to the existence of subalterns,
or, indeed, of the Army in any form.
As a believer in will-power, I am con-
fident that by the earnest volition of
experts any hostile force could be kept
from our shores, and that therefore an
Army is a superfluity.
The Little Man. Here, I say !
The Bishop. It seems to me that on
one point we are in accord that the
model subaltern is at present non-
existent. I think we should be content
with that as a starting-point for future
discussion, and I am really afraid that
we may be driven eventually in some
degree to take into account the feelings
of the Army in the matter.
Omnes. No, no. Certainly not.
4, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
115
IMPROVEMENTS AT THE ZOO.
IT IS URGED THAT BETTER PKOV18ION SHOULD BE HADE FOE DlVINO BlRD8.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
THE plot of The Intriguers, by THOMAS COBB (NASH) is
simple " comme bon jour," and is worked out to its final
climax mainly by dialogue of dramatic terseness in style,
but occasionally at too great length. Practically it is a
comedy ; the action being carried on by five principals,
whose marked individuality is consistently maintained
ih rou shout, and yet the denoument is of the nature of a
cleverly-planned surprise. This particular COBB, as a mount
up to weight, that is, for gentle exercise, receives hereby a
\v;irranty from the Baron.
Miss MAY CROMMELIN has frequently deserved the Baron's
praise, and his Occasional Peruser of novels thinks her
latest, Crimson Lilies (LoNo), worthy of commendation,
albeit the plot is a well-worn one, dealing with the fortunes
and misfortunes of a kidnapped heroine. She meanders,
however, through Miss CROMMELIN'S pages quite refreshingly,
and her adventures are of an exceedingly exciting descrip-
tion. The closing chapters of this book, with their descrip-
tions of contemporary Jerusalem, are very good indeed.
The literary " promise of MAY " is considerable.
My Baronite, reading The Circle (BLACKWOOD), positively
forgot it was his duty to write about it, and gave himself
up unthinkingly to the spell of the story. That fate of a
hoary reviewer is the highest compliment that can be paid
to Mrs. THURSTON. Her maiden effort in fiction is a remark-
able one, stamped by the hand of original genius, instinct
with great power. Whilst the dramatis per-sonee are real
flesh and blood some of it very warm blood the surround-
ings and the style of treatment are singularly fresh. My
Baronite does not particularly care for Mrs. Maxtead, by
whom Mrs. THURSTON evidently sets great store. Nor does
he quite understand the influence over the heroine established
and sustained by the deformed Russian Jew. But Anna
herself is finely conceived, and admirably delineated, as is
her old father, with his faint, far-off suggestion of the
proprietor of another Old Curiosity Shop. Mrs. THCRSTON
has the rare gift of describing a moving scene with a
reticence that powerfully brings out its intensity. This is
seen in the brief chapter where the heroine's affianced, all
unconscious of her identity, relates the deformed Jew's
narrative of how she left her home, forsaking her father.
It appears again in a later chapter where Anna returns and
hangs over her father's bedside, he, nearing death, believing
it is his beloved wife come back to him. The Circle is a
notable performance, full of promise of even greater things.
If in The Seven Secrets (kept by HUTCHINSON & Co., but
probably "let out" by MCDIE), Mr. WILLIAM LE QUEOX has
not out-Conan'd DOYLE, nor out-Gaboriau'd GABORIAU, he
has at least succeeded in building up a most cunningly-
devised mystery, so stimulating to the curiosity that not
even the sound of " the tocsin of the soul, the dinner-bell,"
is likely to be heeded by its completely absorbed reader.
And, on an out-and-out sensational novel, where the original
motive for the crime is lost in a quick succession of most
exciting mysteries, what greater praise can be bestowed than
that above expressed by the not-very-easily pleased
BARON DE BOOK- WORMS.
Lord HUGH CECIL is said to be preparing a bill " to amend
the law relating to ecclesiastical suits." This question of
official uniforms is becoming a nuisance.
VOL. CI3.1V
146
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 4, 1903.
HOW TO GET ON.
No. VIII. BETWEEN THE SHAFTS OF A HANSOM CAB.
IN our early youth, I suppose, we have all been horses.
Comfortably traced and reined, but not bitted or bridled, we
h ave shaken the Kensi ngton G ardens wi th the two-footed sou nd
of our hoofs. Lashed, but not beyond the limits of becoming
mirth, by an elder brother, we have felt something of the wild,
free, untamable spirit that animates the cab-horseof the London
streets that has, in fact, made British cab-horses what they
are. Those were glorious, never-to-be-forgotten moments,
and, although since that time we have ceased to be equine,
some trace of the mustang must always lurk in our natures
and sustain us during the straggles of maturer life. I may
assume, therefore, that in speaking of horses I appeal to
those who know what it is to be a horse, and that I am
assured at the outset of their sympathy. Moreover, there
remains the possibility, which not even that great theologian,
the German EMPEROR, will deny, that in some dim future
state it may be our soul's lot to inform a tenement of clay
possessing hocks, pasterns, withers, forehand, quarters,
stifle, mane and forelock all the outward signs, in
short, that go to the making of a horse. It will obviously
be better for us that we should realise at once all that is
involved in the life of one who draws burdens over the
varying pavements of our streets.
Certainly that life is not an easy one. No self-respecting
horse would, if the choice were given to him, consent to drag
a hansom, for there are inconveniences and surprises about
a hansom that no other vehicle can equal. Bury Street, for
instance, and Duke Street and York Street are pitched at
an incline that makes it impossible for a horse to walk or
trot down their declivities. If he is to perform well and
maintain his upright position he must be an accomplished
Alpinist and few horses are this either by nature or by
inclination. It is a study in expression to watch the face
and attitude of a nervous man inside a hansom that is
glissading down the slopes of St. James's. His lips part,
his brow wrinkles into agony, his feet strive against the
doors as he essays to stem the downward speed of his cab,
and his hands clutch vainly at the windows and the sides.
If he, who is unburdened, is agitated by S3 painful an
emotion, what must be the feelings of his sliding horse
endeavouring to sustain himself against the shifting weight
of cab and fare and driver? Then, too, there is some-
thing miraculously sudden about the collapse of a hansom.
One moment it is erect, vehicular and defiant. There comes
a whisper, a puff of wind or a misplaced hoof, and in the
twinkling of an eye the horse is down, the cab is tilted
ludicrously forward, and fare and driver execute parabolas
through the air. In truth the hansom is a very inconvenient
carriage.
A long experience has led me to realise that there are
certain root-principles on which the driving of a hansom
must be conducted. These I propose to set down :
1. If a horse is plainly doing his best along the level it
is always advisable to flog him severely. This shows him
that, however strong and courageous lie may be, he has a
master who is always watching over him and is determined
to stand no nonsense.
2. If a cab is stopped by animpenetrable block of omnibuses,
carts, and other cabs, the horse must be flogged. There is
no other way of expressing a free-born Briton's annoyance
at an impediment to progress.
3. As a sub-principle to the above two it may be stated
that if a fare is sufficiently ill-advised to protest against the
flogging of a horse he must be punished by being driven at
a snail's pace for the rest of the way, and the horse must be
lashed again as soon as the fare has departed.
4. If a driver takes a wrong turning and has to come back,
the horse must be flogged. As the driver is presumably an
intelligent man, it is impossible that the fault should be his.
It must therefore be the horse's, and since no fault can go
unpunished the horse, as I have said, must be flogged.
5. If a horse is going down hill and doing his best to
bear up against the weight, it is generally advisable to flog
him pretty briskly. This encourages him and relieves his
driver.
G. If a cab, incautiously driven, collides with another cab
or with the kerb-stone, the driver must immediately use his
whip in order to persuade people that it was the horse and
not he that made the mistake.
7. If a horse moves slowly because he is (a) sick and
weak, (6) lame, or (c) absolutely tired out by hard work, he
must be flogged, because it is a horse's duty to move, not
merely as fast as he can, but as fast as his driver wants him
to move. If his driver wants him to move faster than he
can, that is no excuse, for the driver is the only proper judge
of the pace necessary.
8. If a horse is lame, he must remember that lameness is
no merit, and calls for no special indulgence.
9. A sore mouth in a horse is best cured by tugging
jerkily at the reins. Thus the antiseptic properties of the
bit are brought into play.
10. and last. If a horse slips upon greasy pavement he
must be well whipped. This will teach the weather not to
send rain.
These are the chief principles that I have been able to
gather with sufficient clearness to enable me to propound
them for the information of those whose fate may in the
revolving course of many aeons turn them into hansom-cab
horses. When they are safely between the shafts they will
remember that they were duly warned of what was in store
for them. They must not expect that any of the rules will
be relaxed for them, unless, as is possible, the soul of a
former cab-horse shall have come to inhabit the shell of a
cabby. In that case, rigid justice may perhaps be mitigated
by a foolish mercy that declines to flog.
THE ELIMINATION OF THE SUPERFLUOUS.
[" More store is now set upon the descriptive article than on columns
of stodgy reports." "Gangway Gleanings," in the " World."]
WHEN senators in solemn session sit
To ponder over many a weighty matter,
Where one side always coruscates with wit,
And all the other says is idle chatter,
Thither are picturesque reporters sent
To mirror for us every incident.
You pay your halfpenny, and then can view,
At choice, your party through a mystic glamour,
Or hold in righteous scorn the rival crew
An abject Babel of discordant clamour ;
Marvel at your own leaders, or deride
The fatuous drivel of the other side.
They chronicle how orthodoxy dwells
In mellow tones, rich diction, graceful gesture ;
They read uprightness in a coat's lapels,
Vice in a scarf, and virtue in a vesture ;
Fill half a column with a Premier's pose
Or a Colonial Secretary's nose.
There HARCOURT, BALFOCR, CHAMBERLAIN, C.-B.,
Coloured to taste as heroes or as wretches,
Are set before \is so that all may see,
Drawn to the life in these descriptive sketches,
Where everything is told us, day by day,
About our orators but what they say.
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON ( 'IIAIMVAUI. MARCH t, 1903.
THE MACEDONIAN PRESCRIPTION.
ABDUL HAMID (to DOCTORS NICOLAS and FRANZ JOSEF). " THANK YOU SO MUCH ! I 'LL HAVE THIS
MADE UP, AND-ER (aside) PUT IT AWAY WITH THE OTHERS!"
MAKB 4, 1903.;
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
149
"Htirr oaaa, tm'
(from Uncn . " Yes. WHAT WILL IT BE LIKE oovno KICK?'
PRODUCTION OF MR. JABBERJEE'S PLAY.
(Daenbed by the Author kiwudf.)
II.
Tuesday Euemimg.l am just retained from the final
rehearsal of my Tragedy, which Mr. CBHKBOBOCCH LKxaow
indulgently pronounces to "shape TOT well indeed"
. __-* - ...*,** .? * *
; that the Company are still unable to repeat
md monologues verbatim, except by reading
---".- "- ; : ... ''."".. ''.'-
However, they are to commit them accurately to memory
tbis eveni
g,
and
are confident that, when they know their
lines by heart, the business and appropriate gesticulations
which they are, at present, somewhat abstemious) are to
n
follow as the matter of course.
It is highly gratifying that they are all brimful of
enthusiasm for my magnum opus : I have made the discovery
that the majority have actually parted with considerable
rams to Mr. DCCBOW for the privilege of performing therein
whereas for enacting more ordinary dramas it is customary
. to AmanH some pecuniary honorarium!
Moreover, each of them secretly expresses regret that he
(or she, as the case may be) has not a still lengthier part
to perform. Miss Evro Trrres-OB is severely chagrhwdl that
she does not appear at all until the latter moiety of Act II.,
and has made the rather disinterested suggestion that I
might introduce her with Mr. CZerral into J/r.Fmaiiawiia'
Study in Act L, and, as the characters of VateraUe D Lmetf,
Frfix, Agatha, and Safit the Fair Turkitk. are mere Mper-
fioities, I should remodel their scene by substituting ^henelf
and Old Syndicate Frankenstein; also "that she could sorely
be permitted to accompany Mr. Frodbeiutes* in his dog-
sledge when engaged in chroo of Mtmltrr. But she iorgets
that this is totally impracticable seeing that she winby
'.""-: ..." . . :. .: ..: .-.v .... _ . : > _- .:.
> > :-= '
Miss Tmnaox is the sole weak spot, and that 'I am tojpd
the play together by cutting oat EKwabUt ad the Fair
150
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 4, 1903.
Turkish in Mo, and making herself, as Agatha, the sole
heroine and fiancee to Mr. Frankenstein. On the other
hand, Miss POTT (who is the Fair Safie) marvels that I
cannot see that Safie is the female character in the play,
and counsels me (as a candid friend) to exclude the other
two, and rewrite the last Act so as to exhibit her in greater
prominence.
The Gentleman-Actors have similarly hinted in my
private ear that the only defect in the piece is that it
contains " too much jaw," and that every part (except the
speaker's own) should be immediately subjected to whole-
sale cuttings. All very fine but I am not a Native Deity
or hundred-handed Hydra that I can write parts simul-
taneously to suit all tastes !
I cannot prevail upon Mr. Osmc BELSIZE (the Monster) to
assume a mask, even of moderate ill-favouredness, as he
pleads that it would allow him no scope for facial contor-
tions.
He consented to try the stilts, provided that I first in-
structed him by personal example how to promenade on such
appliances but, after a shocking fall into Mr. Ducnow's
coalscuttle-box, causing agonising lacerations to my bridge
of nose, 1 joined issue with him that these mechanisms are
too dangerously unstable for tragic purposes, and it is now
settled that he is to increase his altitude by elevating his
bootheels.
Mr. Dcciiow reports that, by unexampled good luck, there
are already stocked sceneries at the Royal Oak Theatre
which might have been expressly designed for my Tragedy,
and are to fit it like a glove ! He is providing what he terms
the " props," and collecting curs for the dogsledges. They
are not, it seems, of pure Esquimaux breeding, but can be
faked up so as to escape being detected across the feet-
lamps.
I am greatly surprised that no applications for admission-
tickets have reached me up-to-date. As I understand that
the Royal Oak Theatre is not of Leviathan dimensions, it is
possible that procrastinating Punch readers who propose to
book their entrances by payment at doors may find the
worms have been already snapped tip by earlier birds ! But
I have arranged with Mr. DUCROW that the Honble Editor,
on presentation of his pasteboard, is to be ushered (if no
room elsewhere) into my own private authorial box.
* a a & *
The following has been elaborated from actual MS. notes
jotted down by self in said box during the progress of my
grand matinee, and will certainly afford more correct notions
to the absentee Public than any perfunctory official
descriptions.
Wednesday, 2.45 P.M. Curtain not yet ascended. Cui
lono ? since only an inconsiderable percentage of spectators
have taken their seats. Orchestra, consisting of an unac-
companied piano, is now performing (for the third time) a
composition describing a Bee and a Honeysuckle counter-
changing lovesick endearments. Cannot identify Honble
Editor in the auditorium, which consists mostly of middle-
aged females in rather dowdy attires, accompanied by
juveniles of tender years. Hope the latter may not be too
fearfully appalled by the Monster . . . Have been to
ascertain whether Editor of Punch has been carelessly left
to cool his heels in Entrance-lobby. It seems he is not yet
arrived, and will now, I fear, be too late for commencement.
2.55. Drama commenced twenty-five minutes behind
the time-table! I cannot at all think that such a stock
scenery as a drawing-room apartment, with glazed doors
opening into a conservatory, is appropriate to a " Laboratory
Cell in the University of Ingolstadt," nor do I perceive a
single stuffed crocodile !
Opening facetious badinage by Lischen and Frischen
has encountered a very half-hearted reception, since two-
thirds of their dualogue was forgotten, and the remainder
inaudible. Yet I was given to understand they were both
B.A.'s ! . . . Mr. SILLIPHANT, as Frankenstein', cuts a fine
figure in his scholastic mortarcap and robes but is still of
rather too venerable appearance for any College-student.
Professors Krcmpe and Waldman, on the contrary, are of
over-gawky juvenility though (I suppose) correctly cos-
tumed in cloven hats of Alpine pattern and dressing-gowns.
A pity that spectators who are afflicted by severe bronchial
catarrhs should not take the simple precaution of providing
themselves with a few coughdrops, instead of barking like a
show of dogs !
Mr. Frankenstein has commenced to work his galvanical
apparatus. I am annoyed that Mr. DUCROW could not supply
some more scientific instrument than a mere chaffgrinding
machine ! However, the apparition of the Monster is certain
to produce shuddering sensations. I wish Honble Editor
would turn up I would attend punctually for any of his
Tragedies !
The Monster has entered but is received with utmost
apathy, the audience remaining cold as a frog ! How could
he expect to provoke a squeak from the most timorous, when
he has presented himself in a skyblue velvet suit, knee-
breechings and silk stockings (as worn by his photo in
Masks and Facings), with the addition of a golden wig,
and cheeks blooming like a freshly opened rose ? Also he
is not nearer Heaven by the altitude of a single chopine !
Very logically the spectators are at a 'total loss to compre-
hend the excessive funkiness of Mr. Frankenstein at behold-
ing such a jack-a-dandy and popinjay.
Henry Clerval proves himself the utter nincompoop, and
certain lively young hobbardehoys, who have recently
penetrated into the Pit, are earnestly exhorting him that
he is to speak up. His sensational tussle with Mr.
Frankenstein turns out to be no great shakes, and I am
sincerely thankful that such a beetlehead has no further
part in my Drama, except to be butchered in Ireland
between the Acts !
3.40. Owing to complete failure of moonshine, the
jibberings of Monster at window have produced but a so-so
effect, though it is true that they excited a few of the
hobbardehoys to horrified exclamations. . . .
Now that the Curtain is dropped, I shall first endeavour
to discover what has become of Honble Editor -after which
I am resolved to go behind the scenery and insist with a
high hand that, before appearing again, the Monster is to
render himself rather more of a repulsive.
[Notes on remaining Acts unavoidably postponed till next
week.] H. B. J.
THE NOISES OF LONDON.
(Further Police Regulations.)
ANY cock, dog or cat crowing, barking or mewing near
any gentleman's house, to be at once caught and removed
by the police. Any cock, dog or cat found loitering with
intent to crow, bark or mew to be treated as above.
Every perambulator to be fitted with adjustable lid, to
be closed down by the police if the child screams or
performs on a trumpet, drum or mouth-organ.
The police to enter forcibly any house containing a parrot
or canary whose voice can be heard from the street ; and
to draw over the cage of such bird a hood of baize provided
for that purpose.
All milk-cans to be coated with thick india-rubber inside
and out ; and no milkman to speak above a whisper.
The deaf-and-dumb alphabet to be a compulsory subject
in every school in the United Kingdom ; and no other
language to be used in the streets of London and suburbs.
MARCH 4, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
151
MOTOR-GUYS.
[" Why must a driver of an automobile look
like a mountain goat in order to keep in the
fushi'in ?" aks a correspondent who writes to
the Daily Eii>rr*x. The ^rowiiifj wcinlr
motoring clothes, he assorts, makes the wcairr
such a fearsome object that some reform i.s
urgent.]
WHY must the stylish motorist
Look like a mountain goat ?
(Few animals could e'er exist
In so hirsute a coat !)
Why must the wilful motor-man
Impersonate a bear,
The grizzliest, shaggiest that he can,
In point of outdoor wear ?
Why must our scorching plutocrats
Contrive to imitate
Skye-terriers with their hair in mats
Of most bedraggled state ?
Why need the wild chauffeur, I ask,
Outvie the chimpanzee,
With goggle-eyes and hideous mask
That makes one ill to see ?
As to the ladies p'raps 'twere well
To spare profane remark,
And not to draw a parallel
With inmates of the Ark !
I don't know what 's the right reply
Is it perchance to scare
From off the road each passer-by,
Such clothes our motists wear?
CHARIVARIA.
PURE milk may be a permanent feature
of London before very long. The water
supply for the Metropolis is declared to
be nearing exhaustion.
Sir JAMES CRICHTON-BROWNE has pub-
lished a pamphlet drawing attention to
some of the dangers to be found in our
everyday food, and many prudent per-
sons have decided to give up eating.
A number of young ladies at Guild-
ford have formed themselves into an
Anti-Man Association. Their Club
House is to be called " The Spinsters'
Retreat." This is clever, as it suggests
that they have been pursued.
It is said that, with a view to increas-
ing the sale of our Blue Books, more
attractive titles are to be supplied, and
a second edition of the Blue Book on
Venezuela will be issued immediately
under the name of How We Muddled
Through.
A protest is about to be lodged by
the Aborigines' Protection Society
against the proposed Motor Car Race
in Ireland, on the ground that that
country is already sufficiently depopu-
lated.
OVERHEARD DURING ONE OF OUR RECENT STORMY DAYS.
" WHAT CHEER, MATEY ! Dors' ANT BUSINESS ? "
"GABN! WOT YEH GETTIN' AT? I AIN'T 'EBE TO DO BUSINESS.
HAIR TREATMENT !"
I'M TAKIN' THE HOPEN
The Emperor WILLIAM has expressed
himself as a believer in the doctrine of
Continuous Revelation. He finds this
the only way to account for himself.
The War Commission is to be attacked
in Parliament. A measure for putting
a stop to secret commissions will be
introduced this Session.
American Humourists have formed a
club exclusively for Humourists. The
others insisted on it.
At a dinner given by those interested
in the Essex and Kent Oyster Beds it
was declared impossible for oysters in
those beds to be infected by sewage.
Oysters from the west coast of Ireland
were eaten at the dinner.
The mismanagement of the Zoo is
attracting attention. Among other
things the arrangements in the event of
a conflagration are stated to be inade-
quate. Supposing the giraffe caught
fire, there is no escape on the premises
long enough to reach to the top of him.
Mr. BRODRICK'S triumph in the House
of Commons has been described by a
Radical journal as "A Paper Victory."
This is an unusually handsome con-
cession to the rival Press.
152
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 4, 1903.
THE UNHAPPY WARRIOR.
[In these lines, after WORDSWORTH, the term " Warrior " is employed
with sympathetic reference to the Rt. Hon. ST. JOHN BEODEICK in his
capacity as War Minister rather than as a Member of the Auxiliary
Forces or an Expert in German Manoeuvres.]
WHO is the unhappy Warrior ? Who is he
That any babe in arms would loathe to be ?
It is the statesman called to fill a place
Big with the fortunes of a fighting race ;
Who, in a ticklish time of public panic,
Must show a courage rigidly Titanic ;
Must permanently cure the public's fears
By schemes designed to mock the changing years ;
Must, in the meantime, while the need is hot,
Produce a countless army on the spot,
And, having somehow stemmed the tide of war,
Say what the deuce he wants an army for !
The diffident recruit 'tis his to get,
Bribed by a shilling absolutely net.
lie must allure the loafer off the street
With menus full of tasty things to eat ;
And amplify the two-year veteran's pay
To the extent of sixpence down a day.
He is supposed to expedite our forces
By mounting half the infantry on horses ;
And let the patient Volunteer aspire
To play with weapons wan-anted to fire ;
And through our batteries make a sweeping change
In the direction of a longer range,
So that our marksmanship may grow precise,
And shots arrive by bouncing only twice !
These schemes it is his privilege to float
With merely one dissentient Tory vote ;
And lastly, having done the Imperial will,
To get abused for sending in the bill !
Scarce had the dream of Empire come to birth,
With talk about the " lordliest life on earth,"
With cries for just "a man with heart, head, hand,"
" One still, strong man " amid " a blatant land "
(In Maud these latter phrases may be read ;
The speaker, further on, went off his head)
Scarce, as I say, had England learned to know
With such a realm what claims and duties go,
And reached the ripe conclusion, being alarmed,
That who would hold his own must be forearmed,
And not prepare himself to join the fray
Three months or so behind the opening day
Scarce had she grasped this elemental view
And begged of somebody to help her through
When, lo, the lingering war contrived to cease,
And she could sit and roll her thumbs in peace ;
Unbend her mind, not greatly used to think,
Regret the money filched from food and drink,
Resume the less elusive arts of trade,
And leave her larger purpose clean mislaid.
Alas ! unhappy Warrior ! how it warps his
Sweet temper when they carp at Army corpses,
Or mention Empire as a thing to keep
Only if you can run it on the cheap,
Or kindly show him how to spare expense
By making Volunteers our sole defence,
Urging that business men might well employ
A willing class that serves for simple joy ;
And then invest the balance in the fleet,
A sound insurance, very bad to beat.
Picture him, how he must enjoy to sit
And hear himself described as short of wit
Because some subtle First-of-April jest
Smites on his brain and leaves him unimpressed ;
While such a lively sense of humour lurks
Within the House for which the Warrior works
That it resents the petty toll's increase
For training armies up in times of peace,
Yet wants them when the sudden need is there
To leap, in polished myriads, out of air !
Alas ! unhappy Warrior ! this is he
That any babe in arms would loathe to be.
0. S.
PRINCE AND PEASANT;
OR, THE STORY OF A PECCANT PRINCE AND A WEAK
WAITING-MAID.
IN TOLSTOY'S Resurrection, adapted by Messrs. BATAILLE
and MORTON, Mr. BEERBOHM TREE has a fine drama, the
success of which is beyond all question. Perfectly placed
on the stage, nothing of local colour is wanting to the
picturesqueness of tableaux and costumes. It is not, however,
merely to its setting, admirably artistic as it is in every
detail, that the piece owes the complete success it has
achieved ; it is to the human interest of the story, simply
told in strong dramatic situations, and to its forcibly indi-
vidualised characters, perfectly portrayed as they are by
Miss LENA ASHWELL as Katusha, and Mr. BEERBOHM TREE
as Prince Dmitry Nehludof.
On these two all depends ; in these two the entire interest
is centred ; nor does it seem too bold to affirm that, of all
the parts Mr. TREE has undertaken, it is in this, his latest
assumption, that he appears to the greatest advantage. He
gives us the careless, impulsive young officer, conceited as
a handsome youth might well be who, as may be gathered
from certain allusions in the dialogue, has had the character
of a Don Juan thrust upon him by femmes galantes,
from Arch-Duchesses to still archer ballet-dancers. His
motto is that of the French student's familiar chorus,
"0 les femmes! les femmes! il n'y a que fa!" and conse-
quently, having nothing particular to do, on the occasion of
his visit " for one night only " to the old country house of
his excellent aunts, Sonia and Mary (Mrs. EDWARD SAKER
and Mrs. BENNETT) he renews a flirtation with an attractive
orphan, the peasant girl Katusha (Miss LENA ASHWELL), who,
having been educated and partially adopted by the two
elderly ladies above-mentioned, serves them as chambermaid,
upper housemaid, and " general " assistant to an old servant,
one Tiekon (delightful name ! so suggestive of not getting
his wages regularly paid, Tiekon on tick, Mr. ALLEN THOMAS),
representing butler, boots, housekeeper, and several other
domestics. Katusha doesn't want much pressing, but
she gets it from the seductive militaire, who, the next
morning, is off to the wars, throwing to the winds the
memory of "a night's romance," which to him is only like
a leaf in a packet of cigarette papers, torn out, used, and
chucked away. Alas ! into the gutter.
After ten years, Prince Dmitry finds himself one of a
jury empanelled to try Katusha for robbery and murder.
Then follows the awakening : the Prince sets himself to
atone for the irreparable ; the woman, reclaimed, shows her
love by self-sacrifice. She will not marry him : she will let
him go his way ; he has revived her love and he will live
in her memory : that is sufficient. But the fact is regret-
table both are going to be married to somebody else.
In these phases of character, from a state of virgin inno-
cence to one of the drabbiest vice, Miss LENA ASHWELL gives
proof of her great dramatic power. From pure-minded,
simple, and attractive, to foul-minded, suspicious, and
MARCH 4, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
153
repulsive, she has to leap within the limits
of a wait of ten minutes oetween the Acts.
It is a wonderful performance : excel-
lent for both of them, for neither charac-
ter is complete without the other. Let
either fail, and no effort on the part of
the other could make the piece a success.
Mr. LIONEL BROUOH, consummate artist
that he is, stands out among the rest,
in a scene well played by all, as the
nameless juryman who honestly objects.
Miss HELEN FERRERS, Miss MIRIAM
CLEMENTS, Miss OTWAY OLDFIELD, lend
their charm to a Russian Drawing-Room,
and we are sorry that our introduction to
them is but momentary.
There are two situations which, but
for the play catching on at once, would
have been hazardous : one of them is
when an English M.P. (I think he is
introduced as this) appears in a Russian
Drawing-Room as a gentleman who is
going to lecture, but only " stands on "
to be severely lectured by Mr. TREK ;
and the other is where Mr. TREE, on
beholding the prisoner Katusha excited
by drink and grasping the vodki bottle,
says calmly, "I no longer see the woman
before me, but the spirit!" which is
perfectly evident ; and that not a laugh
was heard in the house showed how
completely the play and its exponents
had mastered the audience. His Majesty's
has so strong a drama, and one so well
acted, as to make a prediction of its
long run a fair certainty.
MANNERS FOR MUSICAL AT HOMES.
n.
DON'T blunder about among the music
stands things admirably contrived for
tripping up the unwary. Should you
get entangled with one, however, and
in such a way as to bring yourself and
it crashing down into the performer's
violoncello, leave all vituperative display
to the owner of the instrument.
Don't, when singing, if you are stand-
ing behind the accompanist, keep hold
of his ears all the time, and seek to
indicate your wishes by tugs and jerks.
It distracts his attention from the
copy.
Don't, during a lullaby or plaintive
ballad, get up a fierce battle between
Fido and the cat, and never seek to
divert the company by firing paper
pellets into the singer's mouth.
Don't, if your emotions are appealed
to by some pathetic little trifle, bellow
or give way to violent grief. If you
cannot stifle your sobs by burying your
face in the rug, leave the room until
you have recovered self-control.
Don't be grumpy and sit brooding in
a corner all the evening because your
hostess does not ask you for a song.
Her omission may not arise from the
" WILLIE ONE DAT PERSUADED PA TO PLAT BARBERS. WHEN rr WAS PA'S TORN TO HAVE HIS
HAIR CUT, WILLIE PICKED UP A STPHOS FROM THE SIDEBOARD AND USED IT AS A SPRAT. IT is A
LONG WHILE NOW SINCE PA PLATED BARBERS." [From Tommy's letter to a School-mate.
thought that you cannot sing, but from
the knowledge that you do.
Don't, if you know a good anecdote,
put it forth during a piano solo the
pianist may like to hear it too. Wait
patiently until peace reigns over the
assembly. If your anecdote is a poor
one, continue waiting.
Don't be outlandish in your musical
tastes. A good plan when invited out,
if you favour the accordion, pandean
pipes, or double bassoon, is to leave
your instrument at home. A long list,
in fact, could be compiled of instru-
ments which should nearly always be
left at home.
My final " dont's " are levelled at late
comers and early leavers. To the
former I would say, don't, while a song
is being executed, burst noisily into the
room and insist then and there upon
shaking hands with your hostess. In
cases where she herself is the soloist,
you will put her off her stroke, and
even if she has the presence of mind to
sing her words of greeting, it is twenty
to one if they make rhyme or reason
with the context of the poem.
To early leavers I would offer similar
advice and say, don't flounder away in
the middle of a musical item. Where
you have failed to escape before its com-
mencement, exercise a giant control until
the final chords bring release.
To seek escape by the window is
cowardly, save wnere the music-room is
not on the ground floor then it is fool-
hardy.
HOLLOW-GROUND Razors, 25 c., just in
from England. Get one, they won't
last long. -Advt. in Vancouver News.
154
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 4, 1903.
SCENE A Country Drawing-Room.
Visitor (to Old Lady and Daughters, one of whose hobbles is the keeping of a small herd of Jerseys). " BY THE WAT, I DIDN'T SEE TOD
AT OUR LOCAL AGRICULTURAL SlIOW."
Daughter. " On, NO ! WE NEVER oo UNLESS WE EXHIBIT OURSELVES."
THE LOST LEADER.
["Capt. KETTLE," now the Rev. Sir OWEN KETTLE, K.C.B., has definitely
retired into private life, greatly regretted by all who knew him.]
LATTER-DAY DRAKE (with a liberal dash of the late lamented
KIDD),
Long have I followed your bright career, thrilled at the
deeds you did ;
Long have I watched you pace your bridge, resolute, daring,
smart ;
You were a friend in my every mood and now we have
got to part.
Long have I helped you range the globe through many a
varied scene,
Through troublous times afloat and ashore, keeping your
ticket clean.
From Floridan creek to the Congo's stream, in a hundred
stirring frays,
You taught me all I shall ever know of the sea and the
sailor's ways.
Ah, r the salt-sea smell, and the hiss of the foam, and the
throb of the whirring screw !
Oft have we battled side by side with a villainous, cut-throat
crew ;
And now with a gibe and an acid sneer, and now with a
well-judged shot,
Taught them exactly who was who, precisely what was what.
To run a blockade or to poach a pearl those were the jobs
for us ;
Our motto a maximum of work with a minimum of fuss.
The foe might rage or the engines fail, the ship might break
in two,
With you at my side I was undismayed ; I knew you would
see me through.
You were not built for the joys of peace, your business is
on the sea ;
The bridge of a tramp is the place for you, my reverend
K.C.B.
You were not born to be slothful, sleek, a payer of tax and
rate.
Leave such a life to lesser men- -yours is a nobler fate.
Out once more in your rakish craft, travel the wide world
through ;
Girdle the earth from shore to shore, from China to Peru.
Where glittering icebergs rear their peaks, where the tropical
sun-dart flames,
Let the welkin ring with your pistol's crack, let it roar with
your crisp " By James ! "
I'UNX'II, OR TIIK LONDON ('HARIVAIiL M.viini I. 1903.
. .
THE MEN IN BUCKRAM.
FahtafT RIGHT HON. ST. J-ux BR-MI-I-K. I'riitee lll . . . RIG;IT HI*. Sin n. C-MI'B-LL D ss RM s.
Po'ins . . RIGIIT Hox. II. II. AsQ-TH.
FALSTAFF. "SIX ARMY COUPS, 15Y TI1KSK HILTS; OR I AM A VILLAIN ELSE."
PRINCE HAL. "PRITHEE LET HIM ALONE. WE SHALL HAVE MORE ANON."
King Henry the Fourth, Act II., Scene 4.
MARCH -I,
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
157
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FEOSI TOE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, Feb. 23.
Proceedings to-night not wholly satis-
factory to PRINCE ARTHUR, nor pleasing
to our CARNOT, organiser of victory and
Six Army Corps. But creditable to
Conservative Party and encouraging for
those who care for reputation of House
of Commons. As a rule good Minis-
terialists (no allusion here meant to
CAP'EN TOMMY BOWIES) are accustomed,
with monotonous manner, to look upon
the Treasury Bench and declare that
whatever its occupants may do is very
good. This state of discipline is, from
some points of view, commendable. It
has inevitable tendency to keep things
dull.
With the young bloods in Ministerial
camp limit of endurance reached on
matter of Army Reform. When the
MARKISS, after last General Election,
resolved to strengthen his Ministry, his
discerning eye rested with confidence
on ST. JOHN BRODRICK, sometime Presi-
dent of the Union at Oxford. He was
not a CECIL ; that was a misfortune of
birth beyond personal control. Under
his mufti and his civilian habits the
MARKISS nevertheless discovered the
attributes of CARNOT, the genius of
BH-DE-CK'S SPION KOP.
Pouring a galling fire into the War Secretary
- jfroiu the heights above.
(Capt J. B. S-ly.)
\
" Barbed with deadly point, admirably
delivered."
(Mr. Ern-st B-ck-tt.)
NAPOLEON. So he made him Secretary
of State for War, and before he had
been in office twelve months, whilst
unprepared-for war in South Africa was
threatening foundations of Empire,
CARNOT NAPOLEON BRODRICK had broken a
few commanding officers, had turned
the War Office inside out, and had
created Six Army Corps, increasing the
Army Estimates by a trifle of ten
millions.
To-night the young bloods wake up
and want to know, Where are the half-
dozen Army Corps that, regardless of
expense, were to awe the haughty
autocrats of the Continent with their
mailed fists and their million men-at-
arms ? There is nothing in C. N. BROD-
RICK reminiscent of Falstaff save his
military instincts and his warlike apti-
tude. But thoughts of Sir JOHN'S
men in buckram float over back
Ministerial benches as they contemplate,
on the White Paper issued by the War
Office, the airy host, divided for greater
convenience into six Army Corps, with
Lord GRENFELL entering upon command
of one on April 1. (See Cartoon.)
Where congratulation to House of
Commons is suggested by to-night's
proceedings is in discovery of excellent
debating power in unexpected quarters.
YERBOROH we know, with his pleasant
voice, his gentle manner, and his habit
of smiling through an exceedingly
damaging speech. He lifted the stan-
dard of revolt whilst the MARKISS was
still with us at the Foreign Office ;
did the State service by well-informed
criticisms on policy in the far K.-i-i.
ERNEST BECKETT has spoken oner a
lu ice lx>l'on', notably on his return from
a visit to the Indian frontier. Never
h;id a chance like to-night.
With House crowded from floor to
topmost bench of Strangers' Gallery,
with Peers' Gallery crowded, with BOBS
looking on, shocked to hear his colleague
at the War Office spoken of with as
little respect as if he were the Equator,
but thanking Heaven his own place is
not on the Treasury Bench, BECKETT,
being very much ERNEST, made the
most of his opportunity. His speech,
pungent, barbed with deadly point,
admirably delivered, brings him to the
front as a debater. It is worth his
while, by keeping in more constant
touch with the House, to maintain a
position achieved in an hour.
Business done. Rather bad for the
Government.
Tuesday night." What 's the old
couplet?" SARK asked, as we hurried
off after the division to catch the
infrequent cab :
" A woman, a spaniel and a walnut tree,
The more you beat them the better they
be."
You can't add to the list ' Ministries '
and make the line scan. But the moral
is at least equally applicable. Here for
two nights War Office scheme of Army
reform been under discussion. Attack
opened by usually docile followers ;
once in revolt they make up for long
endurance by uncompromising criticism.
Whilst some dozen of the ablest, best-
The Blue-water School.
"A good Ministerialist."
(Sir J-hn C-l-mb.)
158
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 4, 1903.
informed young Unionists denounce
CARXOT NAPOLEON BROPRICK and all liis
works, not a single voice is uplifted in
uncompromising defence. Yet, when
we go to a division, in a full House of
406 Members, Ministers have a majority
of 116 ! Last week, on such things as
Housing of the Working Classes and
the City connections of His Majesty's
Ministers, majority ran down to' 40.
Here, on question admitted on all sides
to be of vital national interest, a matter
in which if Ministers have blundered
(and no one off the Treasury Bench
defends them), new departure should
instantly be made, majority runs up
close to maximum height."
In the City, and on some headlands
of the sea-coast, one haps upon columns
lifting their tall head and explaining
things, whether a great fire or the
memory of a great man. To-night Sir
JOHN COLOMB, faithful to his patronymic,
rose and answered SARK'S question
bsfore it was put.
"I am," he said, "in strong and
violent opposition to the Government
scheme ; but I shall vote against the
amendment that condemns it."
There spoke the good Ministerialist.
Ministers had introduced, had paid for,
to tlie tune of ten millions a year added
to the Army Estimates, an elaborate
scheme of Army reform, which, whether
good, bad, or indifferent, certainly could
not command the approval of a single
non - official Member. Condemnation
was submitted in form of amendment
to Address. If it were carried the
Government must go ; there would be
a General Election, and, now there was
not even "a sort of war" going on,
who could say what the result might
be ? Profound pity ; rare opportunity
lost ; more millions, drawn from pockets
of over-taxed people, submerged ; the
safety of the country endangered. But
if the present Government goes out,
C.-B. and his more or less merry men
will come in. That a consummation
devoutly to be avoided.
PRINCE ARTHUR saw the strength of
his position, and insisted upon it.
"This is a vote of censure," he
re.terated. " Sorry you don't like
BUODRICK'S scheme. If you don't you
must lump it, or we '11 go out."
So they hrnped it.
Business done. Ministers, challeng-
ing vote of confidence on Army Reform
scheme, carried it by 26 1 votes against
Thursday night. Through debate on
Monday and Tuesday bitterest reproach
was launched at Government on
charge of slighting Volunteer Forces.
STANLEY put up to deny the rough
impeachment. " Very well," as Sir
WILLIAM ALLAN says when he means very
to the Colonel of the Queen's West-
minsters, perhaps the most martial
civilian in the three kingdoms ?
Rose this afternoon to move fresh
amendment to Address calling for
legislation restraining alien immigration.
President of Board of Trade, who never
set a squadron in the field, turns and
rends the gallant Colonel. Whilst he,
taken unawares, was thus wounded in
the house of a friend, ex-President of
Board BRYCE to wit nips in on the
flank and savagely prods him. Never
since Board of Trade established was
there such eruption of actual and ex-
Presidents. Fortunately House nearly
empty. Anguish of witnessing outrage
limited to less than a quorum.
What made incident more painful
was the harmlessness of the victim of
Sir W-ll-m H-rc-rt thinking of the good old
days of Peace, Retrenchment, and Reform.
official and ex-official indignation. It
is true the dauntless Colonel had pro-
posed legislation for a particular subject
whilst Royal Commission was still en-
gaged upon investigating it. That, he
knew very well, goes to the root of con-
stitutional government. If a Ministry,
having shunted an awkward question
by appointing a Royal Commission, are
not to enjoy a few years' surcease of
inconvenient inquiry, how is the King's
Government to be carried on? More-
over, he had blurted out conviction that
the Royal Commission was designed,
not to inquire into the range and in-
fluence of Alien Immigration, but to
hush up inquiry.
Apart from these indiscretions, HOWARD
VINCENT contributed interesting results
of study of the subject as close as
bad. But what happens two days later | olfactory sensibility permits. Showed
how the alien permeates the metropolis
as microbes do the House of Commons.
His versatility is exceeded only by his
insalubrity. Disguising himself some-
times as a German waiter, anon as a
tailor, occasionally as a cabman, he
hustles off the pavement the honest
British workman. His favourite avoca-
tion is shoe-making, as it offers oppor-
tunity of furtively sticking to someone
else's last.
The Colonel hinted at fearsome story
of an alien immigrant washed, curled
and dressed at expense of Association
located at end of Parliament Street
(left-hand side going down) ; sent
to a Yorkshire borough, and run
against popular Unionist Member under
old flag of Peace, Retrenchment and
Reform.
Most affecting portion of address was
his lament over injustice done to indus-
trious members of the criminal classes.
Foreign competition, as was shown by
B. P. in last week's Punch, is ruining
them. The comely coiner, the bashful
burglar, the persuasive pickpocket, the
fastidious forger, the languorous lounger
at the public-house corner, are each
and all being supplanted on their
native soil by frowsy foreigners. At
this stage of his speech the Colonel
fairly broke down, which gave GERALD
BALFOUR opportunity of interposing one
of those remarks indigenous to the
official mind.
"My hon. and gallant friend," he
said, "has described the alien immi-
grant as landing on these shores in a
state of absolute destitution. How then
can he compete with the British burglar,
whose business equipment requires an
outlay of at least 100?"
The Colonel was too completely choked
with emotion to retort with obvious
inquiry, How did GERALD BALFOUR know
that? A voice, usually adequate to
circumstances, temporarily failed him.
Subsiding, he made way for President
of Board of Trade and his predecessor
jointly to jump on him in manner
described.
Business done. Address voted. Busi-
ness will now begin.
A LONG-FELT WANT. Sir HOWARD
VINCENT will be greatly obliged if the
author of The Unspeakable Scot will
kindly publish at his earliest con-
venience another of his comprehensive
criticisms, this time under the title of
The Abominable Alien, or, say, The
Perfectly Pestilential Pole.
A DABING REQUEST. Old Lady (to
Clerk of circulating library). When your
man calls next time I want him to leave
me Alone with the Hairy Ainu !
MARCH 4, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
159
Model (wishing to say something pleasant). "You MUST HAVE PAINTED nscoswosLT WELL WHES YOU WERE vorsr, ! "
160
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[iLvncn 4, 1903.
OPERA IN TABLOID.
[" Theatrical managers, realising that this is the age of condensation,
, have decided on grand opera in tabloid doses as the latest time-saving
amusement novelty. . . . The Bohemian Girl has been squeezed into
the space of half an hour, and a compact arrangement of 11 Trovatore
: is being produced this week, in succession to compressed editions of
The Bohemian Girl and Mar Itana." Daily Paper.]
IN pursuance of this excellent idea, we understand that
the following pocket-edition of Tannhduser will be produced
at an early date. Its performance, owing to a further
improvement in the compressing-machine, will take much
less than half an hour. But, brief as it now is, the English
text still preserves some of those graces of idiom and con-
struction so familiar to opera-goers.
ACT I. SCENE 1. -The Interior of the Horselberg.
Venus (recitative). Oh say, my love, where stray thy
thoughts? Up is thy usual calmness broken; methinks
perturbed thou art !
Tannhduser (in the greatest commotion seizes a rapt
expression and his harp).
The hour has come when I must go ;
Wouldst thou the reason like to know ?
Fain would I in a strain sublime
Impart it but there is no time.
Enough, that destiny has beckoned
Let us pass on to Scene the Second !
SCENE 2. A valley before the Wartberg.
Minstrel Knights, headed by the Landgrave, sing to
TANNHAUSER. Chorus (breathlessly) :
Why, yes, it is our HENRY what an unexpected meeting !
We offer thee, with warmest thankfulness that we hap-
pened to along-at-the-precisely-right-mornent-come,
enthusiastic greeting !
Join thou our ranks once more ! Nay, nay, no hesitation !
That it is for thee the one and only right course we are
convinced, but the audience has had quite enough of
this scene, and there 's not a moment for explanation.
ACT H. The Tournament of Song.
The Landgrave (to Minstrels). Sing ye of love !
Minstrels. Of love we sing.
Love is a highly decorous thing !
Tannhduser. Down with this empty mockery between us !
I am a passionate devotee of Venus !
Minstrels (angrily). Let the miscreant's head be off-cut !
Elizabeth (interposing). Back, ye scoundrels !
Tannhduser. Ah, there 's a pilgrim-band ! Farewell, my
home!
I join the pilgrimage I make for Rome !
ACT III- Valley before the Wartberg.
Wolfram. Here are the pilgrims ! But the one you
cherished
Is by reason of absence conspicuous. Ah,
watched ! Beyond doubt thy on-altogether-
inadequate-grounds-loved TANNHACSER has
perished.
Elizabeth (aria). I am undone !
I '11 be a nun ! [Exit.
Wolfram (recit.). Somewhat too precipitate the maiden
was ; for here, if I mistake not, is the to-all-appearances-
extremely-unfortunate man !
Enter TANNHAOSER, with-the^mud-of-travel-stained.
Tannhduser. There was no pardon for me !
Wolfram. Ah, well-a-day !
Pilgrim (entering hurriedly). A mistake ! Thou pardon
hast!
Wolfram,. Hurrah ! Hun-ay !
Tannhduser. Well, there, thank Heaven, ends my foolish
frenzy !
(Curlain.)
Voice from " behind." Two minutes' interval and then
we play Rienzi !
QUEER CALLINGS.
TUB NOVELIST'S HANDY MAN*.
"An," he said, "you have no notion what a demand
there is for my services. Look at these telegrams."
He handed us a sheaf. The first was from Putney : " New
spiritual romance projected. Lunch at 1." From High-
gate: "Comedy of social life twelve characters. Urgent."
From Streatham : "Restoration romance. Hero's name.
Reply paid." And so forth.
" Then your profession ? " we said.
"Is to find names and ideas for novelists. I have an
enormous clientele. The ordinary novelist, you know, how-
ever well he may tell a story, is a child at names and titles.
And, as any publisher will tell you, these are practically
everything. SHAKSPEARE may have said otherwise, but he
was neither novelist nor publisher."
We hastened to agree.
" Take Sir Richard Calmady," he said. " That was one
of my selections. LUCAS MALET wanted to call the book
The Ordeal of Richard Femoral, but I stopped her in time.
Who would have read it? No one. It gave the thing
away."
We acquiesced.
" I name all Mr. HENRY JAMES'S characters," he continued ;
"and very often his novels too. I have a season ticket to
Rye. Take his Wings of the Dove. That was my title, or
rather my amendment. He wanted to call it The Wing of
a Duck. ' Too culinary,' I said. Wasn't I right ? "
" Quite right," we said.
" Then there 's A. E. W. MASON. A capital writer, but
no nose for a title ! He wanted to call one of his books
Miranda of the Verandah. ' Bad,' I said ; ' too jingly.'
So it was changed to Miranda of the Balcony, and sold
50,000. But I had to begin again next time. For instance,
take his last book. He wanted to call it 365 Feathers!
' How about Leap Year ? ' I said. ' Well, let 's call it 366
Feathers,' was his reply ; and I had the greatest difficulty
in making him pluck 362 of them."
We applauded his powers of subtraction.
" Curiously obstinate fellows, these novelists," he went
on. "In spite of all I could say, BARRIE would call his novel
The Little White Bird, although, as I pointed out, everyone
would buy it expecting a biography of ANNIE S. SWAN, and
be grievously disappointed."
" Too true," we murmured,
" It was I," he went on, " who invented the name Sherlock
Holmes. Also Captain Kettle and HISTORICOS. Sometimes I
don't invent a new name, I merely abridge an old one. It
was I who named Mr. O'CONNOR'S new paper T.P.'s Weekly ;
and it was this name, I venture to state, more than anything
else, which carried him through his initial difficulties."
"You must be tremendously busy," we observed.
"I should think so," was the reply. "Look at my work
in the next few days. There are the telegrams to answer.
Then I must drive to ANTHONY HOPE'S to find him fifteen
names for his new book ; on to STANLEY WEYMAN'S, who
wants a title. SIDNEY COLVIN is thinking of taking a new
pseudonym ; and Dr. ROBERTSON NICOLL wants two more
for some new columns he is establishing. I make a
speciality of pseudonyms ; for it was I who invented
WILLIAM LE QUEUX."
MM:. -ii 4, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
161
HIGHWAYS AND BYWAYS.
XVIII. FIRST AID.
IT is the late afternoon of a cold grey
il:iy. A nipping wind swirls down the
dreary side street in wliichl find myself,
a street of one row of houses only, for
those on the other side have been pulled
down, giving place to a postered hoard-
ing whose chief feature is a constant
repetition of a desperate portrait in two
colours of an eminent statesman in a
three-and-sixp. nny hat. Through gaps
in the hoarding here and there may be
seen a desolation of rubbish bounded
by the back gardens of the next street,
when- lines of pegged garments sport
in the wind with an utter abandonment
of delicacy. At the near end of the
hoarding stands a house, the last of its
row, still in process of demolition, out-
side wliich a black board displays the
exciting notice that there is Sand and
Ballast for Sale. The only living person
in sight is a dispirited-looking man
with a fringe of beard round his neck
in place of a collar, who, wheeling a
barrow along the deeply-rutted road, is
addressing to the wind a melancholy
announcement of strong-growing tulips
at four a penny.
I muster courage to unbutton my
overcoat and produce a cigarette. A
prolonged search convinces me that I
have no matches. Feeling that any
appeal as I pass him to the man with
the barrow would impose on me the
moral obligation of purchasing tulips I
press on towards the top of the street.
At the end of the row of uniform new
red habitations (no longer disgraced by
disreputable uis-a-t'is) I find a diminutive
sweet-shop, outside which a small boy
on one roller-skate is gazing through
the window at an assortment of " Sweet
Vegetables," shaped in sugar of varying
bilious hues. Entering, I ask an
apparently imbecile beldame for matches
and am met by a vacant stare with a
suggestion of resentment in it. Evidently
Sweet Vegetables with the Sand and
Ballast aforementioned (not forgetting
tulips) ('.institute the sole resources of
the neighbourhood. As 1 leave the
shop I see a tiny urchin racing towards
me up the street. At a distance of
about thirty yards, still running, he
hails the buy on the roller-skate, who
is gazing in a kind of fascinated trance
at a damp-looking suyar tomato.
" DOOGLIS ! Man fell down an' cut 'is
Va.l!"
The herald of this glorious news
turns and races back down the street
again.
" DOUGLIS " awakes immediately from
his trance, and propels himself hurriedly
in pursuit of his friend towards an attrac-
tion superior even to Sweet Vegetables.
I turn and follow
the pair, though
sadly outdistanced,
to where a little
knot of people has
gathered round
some object on the
ground just be-
neath the Sand
and liallast board.
Lying on his
back in the road is
a bulky man in
corduroys and
knee-straps ; his
cap has fallen off,
and from the back
of his head a thin
stream of blood is
trickling on to the
ground. With
every sympathetic
intention I cannot
help noticing the
fact that the pros-
trate gentleman is
snoring to a degree
that would seem
hardly in keeping
with any very
serious suffering.
" Cut 'is 'ead,
pore feller ! " ob-
serves a bare-
armed lady in a
cricket cap who
looks very much as
if she is about to
bowl to somebody
to a small girl
with a scanty pig-tail, who, with the
two urchins, a man smoking a clay
pipe with his hands in his pockets,
and the dispirited tulip-vendor (stand-
ing by his barrow and scratching his
ear vaguely) form the group of on-
lookers. " That 's these slippery roads.
It 's too bad, pore feller ! "
The man with the clay pipe removes
it for a moment.
" 'E 's boozed," he observes, some-
what enviously as it seems to me.
I personally am inclined to believe
his explanation, for a glance at him
convinces me that he knows what he is
talking about.
The Lady Cricketer casts at him a
look of withering contempt.
"Pore feller," she repeats, " it 's too
bad ! " I am rather curious to know what
it is that is too bad, but the lady does
not enlighten us.
At this moment there is a new arrival
on the scene in the person of a little
man in a bowler hat and greasy black
tail-coat and waistcoat, which Litter,,
being cut very low, affords a view, as
he wears no collar or tie, of a wealth
of grey flannel shirt, surmounted by a
large bone stud.
JOE-ON THE LINE.
Joe (airily). " STILL A GOOD MANY CI.OCDS ABOUT ; ECT IT is DECIDEDLT
CLEARER IN THE SOUTH SINCE I CROSSED THE LlNE TWO MONTHS AGO ! "
" Stend awye there ! " cries the new-
comer authoritatively. " Stend awye
from the man ! " Then turns fiercely
on the smaller of the two boys. " Give
'im air, there ! " he commands sternly.
It occurs to me, as I tighten my
coat-collar, that if the insensible gentle-
man is at all of my own way of
thinking, he has got all the air he
wants.
The Lady Cricketer is plainly im-
pressed by the new arrival.
" 'E 's a doctor, ELLEN," she hazards
with awe.
"Somebody fetch a pleeceman," in-
structs Flannel Shirt.
Nobody seems anxious to make a
move. Flannel Shirt repeats his com-
mand, singling out the boy with the
roller-skate. " DOUOLIS " turns to his
smaller companion.
" Fetch a copper, 'ERBY," he enjoins.
"'EKBY" seems disinclined to give
up his privilege as a spectator. Even--
body, except the man with the clay
pipe, turns on him.
" Go orn ! " they cry indignantly.
" 'EKBY " retires unwillingly. Flannel
Shirt is kneeling by the insensible man,
r.nd examining his head.
162
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 4, 1903.
" Skelp wound," lie observes sagely.
The Lady Cricketer in conference
with the small girl has no longer any
hesitation in awarding Flannel Shirt
his M.D. The tulip-vendor brings his
barrow nearer.
"'Go's got a pair o' scissors?" de-
mands Flannel Shirt.
" DOUGLIS " volunteers to fetch a pair
from the sweet-shop, and, rumbling
across to the pavement, skates officiously
off on one leg up the street.
" Woddyerwant scissors for?" in-
quires the man with the clay pipe.
" Cut the hair awye," replies Flannel
Shirt.
"Garn, 'e 's boozed," returns the
other, replacing his pipe.
Flannel Shirt dips his finger in the
little stream of blood and holds it up.
"Woddyer call thet?" he demands
emphatically.
" Bleed," returns the other cheerfully.
" Bleed," assents Flannel Shirt.
" Woddyerwanter say the man 's boozed
for?" '
The Lady Cricketer is quite trium-
phant at this victory. The man with
the clay pipe is not disturbed.
"Boozed," he repeats, smoking with
placidity, but is regarded now as
beneath notice.
" DOUGLIS " returns with the scissors,
from which it would appear that there
are ways of reaching the imbecile
beldame's comprehension. Flannel
Shirt, still kneeling, proceeds to cut a
liberal supply of hair from the crown
of the injured man's head.
" Cold water," he demands, as he
snips away busily.
This would seem to bea rare commodity
in the neighbourhood, everybody looking
very helpless at the request. The tulip-
vendor is evidently so surprised that he
cannot believe his ears, and appeals to
the Lady Cricketer to confirm his im-
pression. Eventually " DODGLIS " is
commissioned to fetch some from the
house opposite.
" A cold water bendige I 'in goin' ter
make," explains Flannel Shirt, survey-
ing with satisfaction the large bald
space which he has cleared on his
patient's head. " 'Oo 's got a "anker-
chief?"
This also appears to be a rarity, until
at last, after a great deal of fumbling,
the tulip-vendor produces what looks to
me like a lamp-cloth, though it might
possibly be a napkin which has been
used to clean a bicycle. At the same
time " DOOGI.IS" appears from the house,
propelling himself on his one skate,
with a pail containing enough water, I
should say, to clean an omnibus. As
he reaches the group his skate catches
in one of the ruts in the road, and he
stumbles forward, pail and all, on top
of Flannel Shirt and his patient.
There is a volley of maledictions from
Flannel Shirt, immediately followed by
a louder uproar as the patient sits up,
then staggers to his feet, pouring forth
a torrent of profanity, and faces the
man with the clay pipe.
" Easy, ole feller, 'tain't uothin' ter do
with me," observes the latter.
" 'Oo 's bin an" threw water on me ? "
demands the patient wildly.
"There 'e is," replies the other, indi-
cating Flannel Shirt with the stem of
his pipe. "Same that's give yer yer
"aircut."
The patient, declaiming freely, turns
on Flannel Shirt, then lifts his hand
uncertainly towards his head.
" Orl right., ole man," says Flannel
Shirt in offended tones, " I was only
'elpin' of yer. Orl right keep yer 'air
on
The patient, who has just discovered
the complete nakedness of the back of
his scalp, becomes livid. With a flood
of blasphemy he aims a terrific blow at
the head of Flannel Shirt, who ducks
just in time, with the result that the
patient loses his balance and falls to the
ground again.
While he is still making ineffectual
efforts to rise, " ERBY " arrives with the
policeman, who, after an instantaneous
diagnosis, picks up the patient's cap,
then the patient himself, and marches
him off towards the main road, followed
by two enthralled small boys.
"Black List fer "im," observes the
man with the clay pipe dispassionately
to Flannel Shirt, who, wiping his
clothing mechanically with the tulip-
THE FOX AND THE GRAPES.
(Old Msap in Modern Position.)
[The latest fashion is for ladies to wear
imitation bunches of grapes on their dresses.]
vendor's lampcloth, is staring blankly
after the group, " thet 's wot yer 've
done fer 'im, mate," and slouches off
in the opposite direction.
I leave the others and retrace my
steps up the street. At the top I pause
and look back. My late companions
have disappeared. It is nearly dark.
Far down the street a solitary lamp-
lighter has just shed a yellow glow
upon the board announcing that there
is Sand and Ballast for Sale.
WHAT TO DO WITH OUR GIRLS.
[Mi 1 . G. H. EU.WANGER has just published a
book entitled Pleasures of the Table, in which
he says, "There is no such thing as fine modern
English oookerj-." He appeals to woman to
free us from this reproach. Will she not
imitate Miss GLASSE'S devotion to the " funda-
mental happiness of ma'nkind " by inventing
new sauces, instead of giving her energies to
" flounces or the study of metaphysics ? " " It
is unquestionably to woman that we must look
for the improvement of cookery."]
THERE are no cooks in England none.
A sad and weary sameness
Pervades our dining-rooms with un-
imaginative tameness.
The JONES'S dinner, which I eat
To-night with pain and sorrow,
I shall inevitably meet
At ROBINSON'S to-morrow.
The skill which made the steak a dream,
The bold imagination
Which made the common cutlet seem
A poet's inspiration ;
The hand of cunning which could call
From simple fowl and bacon
Ambrosial savours have they all
These prosy shores forsaken ?
Up, Woman, up ! Behold thy sphere !
The saucepan and the kettle
Provide a glorious career
For any girl of mettle.
Then wherefore ape the poet's part
By scribbling songs and ballads ?
More deep and subtle is the art
Of mayonnaising salads.
Ah , do not seek to wring from men
The suffrage, I implore you,
Nor aim at County Councils when
You Ve nobler aims before you.
Why study Conic Sections ? Stop
For ever stewing Plato,
And learn instead to grill the chop,
And boil the new potato.
SCENE At a Tobacconist's.
Customer (who likes something un-
commonly strong inspecting samples
of cigars). Ah these won't do too
mild show me some of your regular
" roofers."
Shopman. Sorry, Sir, we don't keep
'em ; but (" happy thought ") I can show
you any amount of Floras.
MARCH 11, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
103
PHOTOGRAPHY IN THE NURSERY.
Ethel (aged five). "I SAT, EWE, I 'SB GOING TO PHOTOGRAPH KT DOLLY."
Edith (aged four). " ABE 'oo ? WILL 'oo TAKE A SLAP SHOT, F.FFIE ? "
Ethel. "OF OOUBSE NOT: IN REFUSED LJOHT Mmnrr ALWATS TAKES A TIME EXPLOSION."
OUR REPRESENTATIVE WITH- SOME "ODDSHIP"-
MATES AND "THE PILGRIMS."
Mr. Punch's Representative may congratulate himself on
having had the exceptional pleasure to be a guest at two of
the best " big dinners " he can within reasonable limits of
memory recall to his capacious mind. The first was given
by " The Sette of Odde Volumes " at Li miner' 8, and proved
that, like " Todgers'," Limmer's "could do it when it
liked."
As the cheery gatherings of " Ye Odd Volumes " are
rather of a private than public character, mention of this one,
even the most laudatory, would be unwarrantable, were it
not that their harmonious proceedings, witty speeches by
President MAX PEMBERTON, Vice-President DIOSY, and others,
and ah ode written by their " Laureate," WHSEY MARTIN,
F.R.G.S., the music being admirably set to it by the
" Qleeman " ALBERT LIDGEY, have already obtained a certain
amount of publicity by appearing in the printed archives
of The Sette, wherein, however, wifi not be recorded at least
so Mr. Punch's Representative supposes a most humorous
and instructive lecture, given by the " Dominie Secretary "
W. FREWEN LORD, F.R., on such popular songs (illustrated
by The Sette's " Ready Reckoner " and Muaic-at-sight Reader
Mr. PAUL BEVAN, M.A., F.S.A., at the piano, and by a
quartette of Hungarian or some other unifonn'd musicians)
as had achieved considerable success at different times
during the last thirty or forty years.
VOL. OXXIT.
And the second dinner, having been fully reported in the
papers last week, is by now public property, namely that
g'ven to His Excellency the American Ambassador, the
on. JOSEPH H. CHOATE, by " The Pilgrims," a confederation
of the distinguished Representatives of various States of
life, with Earl ROBERTS as its President, united in
"kinsmen bonds" for the promotion of the best feeling
between the two great countries. And certainly never were
heard better delivered, nor more witty speeches, than those'
of Mr. CHOATE, the Lord Chancellor, and Mr. Justice DARLING ;
to which list must be added one given by Lord CHARLES
BERESFORD, who, but for the want of space, would there and
then, amidst enthusiastic plaudits, have performed an Inter-
national hornpipe.
The dinner was one of Mr. Rrrz's best, and the waiting
considering there were about two hundred convives
perfect. Within the memory of Mr. Punch's Representative
" which runneth not to the contrary, all nevertheless and
notwithstanding," there never was a better arranged
dinner, thanks to Mr. HARRY E. BRITTAIN, Hon. Sec., a name
of considerable import and good omen on so memorable
an occasion. No " little BRITTAIN " could have accomplished
this task of bringing together and arranging for the comfort
and entertainment of so many representatives of all sorts
and shades of opinion on both sides of the Atlantic.
Mr. Punch's Representative has some vague idea of having
accepted several invitations from the U.S. Consul-General
to England, from Mr. MILTON V. SNYDER, of the New York
164
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 11, 1903.
Herald, and from many other distinguished Americans, to
meet Lord ROBERTS in New York, and then to go round
the States, days and dinner-hours all fixed, in keeping with
the motto of "The Pilgrims," which is "Hie et ubique."
But, steady, boys, steady ! so we were : the motto could
be repeated by any one of us without any sort of guttural
struggle with the "hie." Vivent les Pelerins!
UPON ADOLPHTJS.
Greatly cheered by the Invention of a tcatch as thin as a crown-piece,
to take the place of the ordinary sort that spoils the figure.
(After HEREICK.)
WHENAS ADOLPHCS deigns to go
In beauty's pomp, sublime and slow,
Along the lists of Rotten Row ;
Or, like a flower with dew besprent,
Exudes a steady blast of scent
Down Piccadilly's pavirnent ;
Much I admire that wondrous dress
Whose lambent folds do more express
Than veil the figure's daintiness.
And musing on him, line by line,
I think how many arts combine
T'adorn that human shape divine.
Soothly some woman, over-laced,
Advised him how to have his waist
In yon exiguous zone encased.
Some fair, that had no pouch to hide
Her proper kerchief, armed his pride
'Gainst pockets that do bulge inside ;
So as the key is passing small,
The which, emerging from the Mall,
He lifts his nightly latch withal.
Some coins he hath, for chariot-fare,
Deftly disposed here and there
The rest is paper, thin as air.
And, since it causeth inward paina
To carry such a watch as strains
That, region where the stomach wanes,
Now hath he got a little one,
Whereof the bulk doth scarce outrun
A wafer's fine dimensi6n.
When in his mirror he observes
His form inclined to ampler curves,
ADOLPHUS shaketh in the nerves ;
And, lest he mar his comely guise,
He summons all his strength, and tries
A little massage exercise.
So doth he labour to reduce
Wliatso is like to grow profuse,
And serveth not for beauty's vise.
Herein he hath a wide success
Save for his brains, whereof I guess
No power on earth could make them less !
0. S.
Master (gently, to New Boy}. SMITHERS, my boy, can you
tell me what a Noun is ?
New Boy (anxious to please). No, Sir ; but I
father could.
m sure mv
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
THE second volume of Parliament, Past and Present
(HUTCHINSON), concludes the labours of the joint authors,
Mr. ARNOLD WEIGHT and Mr. PHILIP SMITH. It is marked by
the research and compehensiveness notable in the earlier
volume. Done by gentlemen long associated with the work
of the House of Commons, they have with sure instinct
known what to include and what to leave out. The result
is a valuable, pleasantly gossipy story of Parliament, pro-
fusely illustrated by things old and new. Amongst the
many curios are successive portraits of great statesmen
taken at varying stages of their career. There is an early
portrait of DISRAELI by CILUON my Baronite never saw, and
RICHMOND'S portrait of Lord SALISBURY when he was still
Lord ROBERT CECIL. Members of the present House will
recognise in the latter a curiously close facial resemblance to
that other eminent statesman, Sir GEORGE NEWNES.
The Light Behind, by Mrs. WILFRED WARD (JOHN LONG),
is, in the opinion of his Occasional Assistant Baronite, a
book that the Baron may conscientiously recommend to
those who look up to him for guidance as to what they
should or should not read. Mrs. WARD has mercifully no
sympathy with "sex problems" and morbid "affinities,"
and the " newer woman" in her shrewd eyes is but an old
fraud in a new garb. Her characters are honest English
men and women, who endeavour to exercise some control
over their passions and to live for others as well as for
themselves. The skill with which Mrs. WARD develops a
story which in other and less skilful hands would be a trifle
tedious, exhibits her talent as a novelist of rare distinction.
The death scene of her heroine in the garden of an Italian
villa is drawn with exceptional pathos and feeling. The
book is, moreover, enlivened throughout with subtle touches
of characterisation, clever descriptions of social life, and pen
sketches of scenery. In a word, this is a book to read, and
to keep to read again. The Light Behind makes a distinct
advance upon Mrs. WARD'S first novel, One Poor Scruple,
and that is saying a good deal, for, as the Baron's readers
will remember, that was one of the best books published
last season.
If Mr. MORLEY ROBERTS in his Other Sea Comedies could
only have kept up to the high-water mark of the first two
of these tales, namely, "The Promotion of the Admiral,"
which is the story that gives its title to the book (published
by EVELEIGII NASH) and its sequel, " The Settlement with
Shanghai Smith," Mr. JACOBS might have had to set all
his canvas and forge ahead of a somewhat dangerous com-
petitor ; but, as it is, the author of Many Cargoes need have
no fear, since Captain MORLEY ROBERTS has overladen his
vessel with such heavy cargo as " The Policy of the Potluek,"
" The Crew of the Kamma Fnndes," and the " Rehabilita-
tion of the Viyia," of which the first two bales might have
been left ashore, and the third could have been compressed by
judicious editing. " Three in a Game" is very nearly up to the
first two in order of merit, but it is misplaced, as, according
to the sequence of events in the life of Shanghai Smith, it
ought to have been the first story in the volume. The
last, called "The Scuttling of the Pandora," "an
'orrible tale, to make your faces all turn pale," is told
with considerable dramatic power. It should have been
the last but one, with a genuine irresistible "side-splitter"
for the "grand finale." Some of these stories, as the Baron
is informed, have already appeared in a magazine, but those
of the Baron's readers to whom they may be novelties are
hereby recommended, as accomplished " skippers," to tackle
The Promotion of the Admiral, and Other Sea Comedies.
THE BARON DE BOOK- WORMS.
I'l NVIF, <>H TIIK 1 ,0X1 >< IN CHARIVARI. MAIKII II, 1 !<>:!.
THE IRISH PLANCHETTE."
llos. G-BGE W-M.H-M (to Mr. J-HN R-UM-NU and COLONEL S-NU-RS-N). "LAND PURCHASE! HOW
SIMULAR! NOW, WHAT COULD HAVE MADE IT WRITE THAT?"
11, HK)3.]
I'CNCll, OR THE LONDON CII AIM \ A l!l.
167
Adolphug (penitently). "So SORRY, DEAREST, THAT I WAS ASQRY WITU you YESTERDAY KVKSIXQ, AND IOST MY TEMPER."
Olivia. "PRAY DON'T MENTION IT, DOLLY. IT WASN'T A VERY GOOD ONE, AND I'M SURE YOU CAN EASILY FIND A BETTER."
PRODUCTION OF MR. JABBERJEE'S PLAY.
(Author's Notes at Matinee, concluded.)
m.
4 P.M. Back in authorial box after somewhat warm
altercation with Mr. FITKIN (alias Mr. OSRIO BELSIZE), who
argued that he conceives the Monster as a sympathetical
character. Also that his "young lady" was in front, and
I could not reasonably expect him to present himself before
her in the semblance of a thorough Guy. Finally he
declared that it was a rotten part, and he was in the jolly
good mind to chuck it and let me play it myself, as far
better qualified. But, being no histrionic, I soothed him
with timely and abject apologies, entreating him not to
abandon my fortunes, and succeeded in so far mollifying
him that he has offered proprio motu to erase the rosiness
from his cheek.
Pianist is executing a rather monotonous melody entitled
" The Ragtime Coons Cakewalk." Still no sign of Honble
Editor ! The Cake has ceased to promenade.
4.10. Curtain raised. Why has Mr. Scenepainter
depicted the De Lacey Family's " Cottage in an open
country " as the rear-garden of some spick-and-span
suburban villa-residence? And the Monster's adjacent
ruinous hovel is palpably a large wooden dog's-house !
Surely, even at a less West End theatre (such as His
Majesty's) such makeshifts would not be tolerated !
In spite of his compact, Mr. FITKIN'S cheek remains as
blooming as ever ! Partly, I think, owing to inattentiveness
in the prompting department, this scene has fallen flat as a
flounder. And yet all the performers have received an
Academical curriculum! ... A rap on the door Honble
Editor at last ! . . . It turns out to be Mr. CHESEBOROUGH
DOCEOW kindly arriving to keep me in company.
He avers that the piece could not possibly go any better,
and points out to me two notorious dramatical pundits in
the orchestral stalls to wit, the Westbourne Park Morning
Express, and the Paddington Evening Mail, who are sitting
dumb as fishes with amazement. Mem. To ascertain the
length of their feet.
The Monster, it seems, is prohibited by some grand-
motherly County Council regulations from setting the
De Laceya' cottage in a blaze as directed ! I begin to
apprehend why the British Drama is in such a sad state of
decline !
4.50. The Second Scene, which should present Old
Syndicate Frankenstein's " Bungalow near Geneva," has
turned out the facsimile of its predecessor, save for the
removal of the dog's-house, and substitution of one or two
garden-seats ! Mr. DUCROW, whom I have reminded of his
undertaking to spare no expense on sceneries, retorts that
he has spared as little as possible, and that, as a dramatist,
I am over prodigal in shifting my localities. But for that
the book and not myself is surely responsible !
Miss Elizabeth Lavenza, though convulsed by suppressed
titterings, has somehow contrived to tickle the audience's
fancy. Every sentence of hers, and also of Old Syndicate
Frankenstein's, is greeted with outbursts of cachinnation,
which (so Mr. DCOROW assures me) with a British audience
are the symptoms of intoxicated approval. . . . Little Darling
William in spite of his features being still insufficiently
168
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 11, 1903.
abluted is immediately the prime favourite. At length
the audience is waking up ! Even the two Sunss Polices
make their exits pursued by rounds of applause.
I am proud to record that the concluding interview
between Mr. Frankenstein and his Monster has gone off
amid a catholic roar of delight. And this notwithstanding
very indifferent acting by both parties, and a scenery which,
so far from being a " lonely Swiss landscape with pine-trees,
ice-crevices, &c.," is obviously some English country road
with a finger-post pointing " To Portsmouth" !
Mr. DUCROW has warmly congratulated me on descent of
curtain, saying that he had known all along that my Drama
was to knock any audience into a cocked hat, and that they
were already tumbling into it.
5.25. I have utilised the interval to accost Misters
Westbourne Park Express and Paddington Mail, and
inquire their opinions of my Tragedy. They confessed that
it had already affected them with phenomenal thirst, so that
I had the presence of mind and savoir faire to invite them
to consume Scottish whisky-pegs at my expense before the
adjoining 'buffet. While tliey were doing so I seized the
occasion to whisper that my aforesaid Drama would have
appeared even finer had it been presented with more appro-
priate sceneries and less incompetently enacted especially
by so irresponsibly frivolous a feminine as Miss TITTENSOR,
begging that they were to make due and proper allowances
for such shocking shortcomings.
To which they returned guarded responses but I can see
that, whatever strictures they may express regarding the
acting and sceneries, they are resolved to award myself as
Author honorable mentions.
5.30. Opening of Last Act. As a total abstainer from
Swiss travelling I cannot positively affirm that no hotel in
said country exhibits the title of a Barley Mow on a signboard,
or inscribes upon its windows such a motto as " Fine Ales "
but I shrewdly suspect that this is a further display of
insular ignorance on the part of Mr. Scenepainter !
Mr. and Mrs. Frankenstein have entered without their
gilded palanquin, or indeed any bridal procession of even
the most meagre proportions ! I am at a total loss to
conceive how the Monster is to accomplish his fearful diving,
when there is no balcony for him to plunge from, nor any
visible lake or pond !
He has not made any plunge whatever, contenting himself
with putting out Mrs. F.'s light in a ground-floor apartment,
and then announcing from window [in a very crude sentence
of his own composition] that he is about to dive into Lake
Geneva by some back door! Mr. F.'s pistol has refused to
explode, and the entire scene has gone off in very tame
insipid style. I still hope Honble Editor may arrive in
time to witness the dog-sledges and Frozen Sea.
The grand views of "the Winding Ehone" and "the
Blue Mediterranean, with the Black Sea vessel riding on its
anchor," have been unceremoniously skipped out ! And how
are the spectators to divine that the same country road of
Act II. is now posing as " A Desert Locality in Tartary and
Russia " ? Mr. Scenepainter has not even troubled to alter
" To Portsmouth " on the guiding-post into " To St. Peters-
borough " ! The Wilds of Tartary are only represented by
their howls outside.
More scandalous parsimony on the part of Mr. DUCROW.
Instead of a deceased hare, the Monster is furnished with
the paltry substitute of an insignificant rabbit ! !
Notwithstanding all such solecisms, the spectators are so
ungovernably excited by the Monster chase that they halloo
to him to put on a spurt, and inform Mr. Frankenstein on
his appearance that he is " getting warm," and that the
fugitive is only just round the corner.
They will shout even more lustily on beholding the dog-
sledges.
Surely Mr. DUCROW could have selected from the stock
sceneries some landscape of more Laplandish aspect than a
Market-place with a central fountain-pump, and a very
superficial sprinkling of snow !
The Monster has driven past on his sledge which is
simply some unwheeled coster barrow harnessed to a single
hound of St. Bernard's breeding. However, he is greeted
with genial ovations.
So likewise is Mr. Frankenstein, although his dog-sledge
is an ordinary reversed cane chair, attached to two puggish
curs, who are encased in woolly doormats, which one
proceeds to scrape off, while the other, seating himself
unconcernedly, scratches his ears with a back leg. As they
are clearly incompetent to lug any vehicle, Mr. SILLIPHANT
is compelled to get out and drag both sledge and quadru-
peds himself.
I cannot too higlily commend the goodnature of the
audience in applauding them so vociferously.
6.15. The Frozen Sea is a mere heterogeneous collection
of furniture shrouded under white sheets, and the Midnight
Sun entirely fails to put in an appearance as directed.
Captain Walton's vessel, too, is an undersized wooden
profile painted with a few portholes, and of such careless
construction that it topples over, revealing a shockingly
superannuated sofa.
Yet, by dint of transcendental penmanship on my own
part, the spectators are so enraptured as to overlook all
deficiencies in the performance itself, and hail the last
moments of Mr. F., and even the Monster, with thundering
acclamations. I must candidly admit, too, that the red fire
has provided a splendidly lurid finale.
The Curtain has come down, amidst indescribable enthu-
siasms. Some of the lively young hobbardehoys are rending
the air with shrill whistlings, while others utter doleful
cries of " Boo-hoo ! " in lament that so superb a tragedy is
concluded.
They are loudly demanding to behold the Author! It
would be simply sheepish and mauvais ton to refuse to
exhibit myself at the feetlamps. I may perhaps prove that
for sheer rhetorical eloquence and fluency an Author's
tongue may sometimes be as mighty as his pen.
[Here my notes come to an end but with kind permission
of Honble Editoi who it seems carelessly mistook date of
performance I will relate the residue of my experiences in
a future number, and can only hint that they may turn out
very different from what the Reader is anticipating !]
Mr. Devlin, the Man for Gal way.
THE Galway patriots begin
To show returning reason,
They say, " We '11 put the Dev'l-in,
They can't try him for treason."
A THUNDERING GOOD START. The first number of a new
Japanese Buddhist journal has appeared. It is called Ttie
Thundering Dawn, and this is how the editor breaks the
news to the public : " This paper has come from the womb
of eternity, just as we all came. It starts its circulation
with millions and millions of numbers. The rays of the
sun, the beams of the stars, the leaves of trees, the blades
of grass, the grains of sand, the hearts of tigers, elephants,
lamps, ants, men, and women are its subscribers. This
journal will henceforth flow in the universe as the rivers
flow and the oceans surge." The report that The Thunder-
ing Dawn has a circulation five million times as large as
that of any halfpenny morning paper lias caused a profound
sensation in Carmelite Street.
.Mutcii 11, 1903.]
1'CXCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
169
CAUTION.
(A Legend.)
[How many a doctor or architect must own
that his professional life consisted of two
periods cue in which he was too young to be
I, the other in which he was toa old to
bo efficient. Timed' leading article.]
OH, read my melancholy rhyme,
Peruse my mournful ditty.
Two men there dwelt upon a time
Within a certain pity.
Both were distinctly men of parts,
Well versed in their respective arts.
To fell diseases of the kind
That everyone who can shuns,
One of the pair had turned his mind,
The other's forte was mansions.
They were, as you 'd no doubt expect,
A doctor and an architect.
The latter, -when but twenty-nine,
Planned a Titanic building,
A house of wonderful design,
All marble, stone, and gilding.
Said he : " My fortune 'a made, I wis,
Men can't resist a thing like this."
With eager hope his heart beat high,
He took his plans up boldly,
And thrust them in the public eye :
The Public viewed them coldly.
" Pray take that rubbish right away,
You 're far too young for us," said they.
The doctor next, a gifted man,
Whose brain-pan teemed with ump-
tion,
Discovered quite a novel plan
For dealing with consumption,
By treating each consumptive wight
With hard-boiled eggs last thing at
night.
He told the Public of his scheme,
But met with stern denial.
"Absurd," said they, "we shouldn't
dream
Of giving it a trial.
Apparently you quite forget
That you are barely thirty yet."
The years rolled on. The doctor's
schemes
Soared annually higher.
His fellow-sufferer covered reams
With plans that found no buyer.
The Public eyed with gentle smiles
These energetic juveniles.
More years rolled on. The hapless pair
Found life no whit the gayer.
The medico's luxuriant hair"
Grew gradually greyer.
The architect's was nearly white,
Through sitting up too late at night.)
And then the Public changed their
mood !
Their hearts began to soften.
Thev felt the doctor's cures were good
(Iliey \1 had that feeling oft.
SHAKSPEARE UP TO DATE.
' YOU SHALL NEVER TAKE HER WITHOUT HEB AiiSWEH, UNLESS TOU TAKE HER WITHOUT HER ToNOUE.'
As You Like It, Act IV., Sc. 1.
They also chanced to recollect
The merits of the architect.
' Come, plan us mansions, bring us
pills."
Their cry no answer rouses.
3o one alleviates their ills,
No one designs them houses.
Jpon inquiry it appears
2ach has been dead for several vears.
" BY VOUR LEAF, GENTLEMEN." Many
sminent persons are considered as
'pillars of the State." Henceforth
lord RosEBEitr will be remembered
as, on his own showing, a " Cater-pillar
the State/]
" NOT TAKING AKY." After the recent
rial, it is reported that to any invita-
ion to a second helping or another glass
wine, Mr. GEORGE EDWARDES (of the
)aiety Galy's and other theatres) in-
ariably replies, " No MOORE, thank you."
WIND IN THE RUSHES. " One excellent
result of the multiplication of motor
cars," says Motoring Illustrated, " will
be to put a perpetual ban on beards.
A beard liable to blow up and obstruct
the sight is too great a hazard for
the chauffeur." Motorists prefer close
shaves, and statistics show that any
blowing-up that may be considered
necessary can be done by the car
itself.
IT seems that Mr. BROPRICK, whose
Army Corps have been likened to
Minerva, new-sprung from the head of
Jove, is not the only one who is adver-
tising for someone to look after this
kind of offspring. Such, apparently,
is the interpretation to be put on the
following advertisement, which appears
in the Glasgow Herald :
PRINTER'S Apprentice Machineman; also,
Feeders for Minerva, male, female ;
constant.
170
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 11, 1903.
"ANCIENT LIGHTS" AT THE GAIETY.
FOR a light sparkling entertainment the present pro-
gramme of the Gaiety Theatre would be hard to beat.
Astute Mr. GEORGE EDWARDES deserves success by the method
he has hit upon for obtaining it. In any new musical piece,
partly farcical, partly burlesque, with the slightest possible
thread of a story to hold the brilliantly coloured patchwork
together, let Manager EDWARDES detect a weak spot and at
once he has excised it, and replaced it by a Tannerian, Rossian,
Caryllian, or Moncktonian br anybodyelsian snippet ; and, if
that doesn't do, then out that goes, and something else is
substituted. Then, being at present the happy proprietor of
five excellent eccentric "low comedians," and of five light
and airy comediennes, the whole party actors and actresses,
tuneful singers and accomplished dancers, he has a company
at hand which can keep any piece going on the " one-lot-off-
t'other-come-on " principle, backed up by a showy chorus
and an alert orchestra. Consequently it is no wonder that,
quoting the maxim of Cardinal RICHELIEU and applying it to
all his ventures, the George-Edwardesian motto should be,
" There is no such word as ' fail.' '
For how long The Toreador has been "running," or
kicking about, in the sprightliest manner, the present recorder
is not in a position to assert, but the interval between his
earliest visit to it, and his latest, only kst week, seems
to him considerable. In the meantime there have been
all sorts of new songs, new duets, new "comic business
mainly for the elder and younger inimitables, GEORGE PAYNE
and GEORGE GROSSMITH (there ought to be two more clever
comedians of the same Christian name, and then we should
have a pas de quatre of " the Four GEORGES " at the Gaiety,
temporal THACKERAY!) who, with their "stall and pit
audience" and their "motor-car" scenes, keep the audience
in roars of laughter, and compel enthusiastic applause
from the most Hla.se of the Gaiety habitues.
The Toreador, without a slow movement in it, is over at
10.15, and ten minutes afterwards commences the best
specimen of theatrical revue (a sort of piece rarely success-
ful with us, but invariably popular at certain theatres in
Paris) that has been seen in London for a very long time. The
light dialogue and, as I suppose, the slight scheme of this
merry-go-round, are by GEO. GROSSMITH, Jun., and just exactly
serve the purpose, which is to give a brisk resume of all
sorts of pieces and persons that have appeared at the
Gaiety, " strutted, fretted," danced, and sung their short
or long turns, and then have gone their ways to other
theatres to increase their fame, or to be " heard no more.
Specially excellent is Mr. LIONEL MAOKINDER'S reproduction
of EDWARD TERRY in the Forty Thieves, and of his jerky
singing of
"Now I 'm off to the Bodega ! For some sherry wine ! "
This song and the " concerted piece " and dance to the air
of " Never come back no more, boys," were received with as
hearty applause as in the old days when NELLIE FARREN
TERRY, ROYCE, and their merry companions sang and dancec
on these same boards. Miss ETHEL SYDNEY as Marguerite
and Morgiana (alas, poor KATE VAUGHAN !) sang Sister Anne's
song from Blue Beard, and danced in the old graceful KATE
VAUGHAN style. Mr. FRED WRIGHT, Jun. gives some clever
touches of ARTHUR ROBERTS 's mannerisms, and of the styl
of singing of the late DAVID JAMES as Blueskin in Jack
Sheppard. Time fails to recount all the good things for
everybody in this piece, which merrily gives the finishing
touch to a capital entertainment ; but the pas de quatre
for Mr. GRATTAN as EVIE GREENE in The Country Girl, FRED
WRIGHT, Jun. as ETHEL IRVING in The Girl from Kay's
GEORGE GROSSMITH, Jun. as EDNA MAY in The Belle of Nev
York, and EDMUND PAYNE as HILDA MOODY in The Three Littl
tfaids, is such an undeniably clever specimen of genuinely
3omic dancing and romping burlesque as has not been seen,
jven on this stage, for some years. Only in bygone times
save the celebrated Clodoehes done anything approaching it,
and the frenchiness of their action did not commend itself
;o everybody. Four men impersonating four women ! What
i howl there would have been from the stern critics, not
so very long ago, when one and all of them, dailies and
weeklies, penn'orths and ha'porths, denounced any such
assumption of female dress by comic men as contra lionos
mores, atrociously vulgar, and showing clearly and plainly
.he hopeless decadence of burlesque ! Mais le " travestie "
'vit encore ! " Nay, as it seems, it is going stronger than
sver ! For who among the oldest playgoers can remember
'our low comedians playing as four women in any one single
piece, and " kicking up behind and before " after the manner
of the ancient JOSEPH in a certain very old and forgotten
negro song of " Who 's dat a knockin at the door ? " Well,
turn and turn about" is another Gaiety motto, and the
merry company will dance along with this piece, adding to
it and changing it " a little bit here, and a little bit there,
Here a bit and there a bit, and everywhere a bit," until
such time as the Old Gaiety shall be closed and the New
Gaiety in all its glory of novelty shall be open to the
laughter-loving public.
TO JINGO, ON HIS DEPARTURE FOR
AMERICA.
FAREWELL ! majestic exile ! Twenty years
Have seen thee brandishing those awful ears
For British buns ; have marked thee, day by day,
Consume thy ton or so of British hay.
And year by year the youngsters of our race
Have roamed each crevice in thine outer case,
Or (having first concealed the same in cake)
Plied thee with pins to make thy stomach ache.
And maiden ladies whose maturer age
Forbids the louder forms of badinage
Have knit thee woollen waistcoats all complete,
And carpet slippers for thy weary feet.
And we have learned to love thee and to brood
On thine immeasurable magnitude,
Have learned to deem the ape's elusive guile
Less lovely than thy bun-compelling smile.
And thou must go ! Thy masters, men of cold
Unfeeling breasts agog for Yankee gold,
Lashed by the satire of the Daily Mail,
Have put thee up for ignominious sale !
And ruthless ruffians, redolent of ale,
Shall twist thee rudely by thy speaking tail,
Shall bear thee hence, cribb'd, cabin'd and confined,
Or pushed by traction engines from behind.
Across the broad Atlantic thou must go
To be the apex of a travelling show,
The loved of young America, the pride
Of strident millions on the other side.
Last of old London's landmarks, fare thee well !
Shall we again behold thee ? None can tell.
Wilt thou a home with PIERPONT MORGAN find
(Himself, like thee, the biggest of his kind),
Or in the intervening ocean sink,
Or simply pine away, or take to drink,
Or sit like Jumbo on a passing train ?
Then may we never welcome thee again !
Never review thy mass with pensive brow,
And murmur with emotion, " This was Ttiou."
MARCH 11, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
171
A BROKEN PLEDGE.
Sportsman on 'bank (to Friend in fcroofe). " HALLO, THOMPSOS, re THAT TOC ? WHY, I THOUGHT TOU HAD jonrro THB ' No DMNB nr
BETWEEN MEALS' PABTT!"
QUEER CALLINGS.
II. THE CENSOR OF THE HALLS.
I FOUND the Censor cleaning his Win-
chester repeating rifle. It was a beau-
tiful weapon, and he held it like an
artist.
"No," he said, "I have not begun
in London yet. It was thought best I
should get my eye in in the provinces.
I have been in the north. But I am
opening, so to speak, in London next
week."
" At which hall ?" I asked.
" Probably the Oxbridge," he said ;
" there are some old offenders there.
My duty, you see," he explained, " is
to discourage the banal, the trite, to
make the favourites learn new songs
and take pains."
" But why the rifle ? " I asked.
" Music-hall artistes," he replied,
" are not amenable to ordinary hints.
It was found necessary to be more
drastic. 1 rarely kill," he added, "but
now and then it is necessary. As a
rule, to chip an ear or remove a finger
is sufficient even for a bad case ; while
to put a bullet into the scenery on the
stage ordinarily serves. One has to be
strict now and then, of course. The
other evening, for example, at Bootle, I
had to stop the ' Honeysuckle and the
Bee.' At this date, too ! I had given
several warnings, but to no purpose. It
was a good shot ; she hardly moved."
" You aim at the heart ? " I asked.
"Invariably."
" Why not the brain ? "
" WeU, you see, they all have hearts,
whereas "
I understood.
"Who make the best targets?" I
asked.
" Oh, the tenors and baritones un-
doubtedly. Their white shirts. I aim
between the first and second diamonds,
except when only one is worn. LEO
STORMONT but I must not anticipate."
" Do you never make a poor shot? "
I asked.
"Now and then," he said. "Some
artistes are so jerky in their movements.
DAN LENO supposing the time should
ever come would be very hard to hit
neatly."
' ' But you have had no bad acci-
dents?"
"No, nothing to signify. At Black-
pool I hit the leader of the orchestra
instead of a mimic ; but it was his own
fault. He moved his arm. After all,
he was a bad musician. And once I
killed the wrong knockabout ; but they
were both inferior. That is the com-
pensation in my office : one's mistakes
are beneficial."
"Where do you sit?"
" The managements are very kind.
They construct a little private box for
me in the middle of the dress circle. I
use smokeless powder ; it inconveniences
no one. Sometimes one does not have
to shoot at all. I can remember whole
evenings without provocation."
" And who is your employer ? "
" Surely I told you that. Why, the
Public Art Committee of the County
Council, of course. They have absolute
confidence in my judgment."
"And will you ever move on to the
theatres ? ' '
" The step is even now being con-
sidered. We have some names before
us. Mr. WALKLEY is practising in his
back garden at a running actor-manager
but I must not tell you any more."
172
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAR 11, 1903.
Steward. " THIS 'ERE 's A NICE CURE FOR SEA SICKNESS !
AND SODA I'VE TAKEN TO 91 THIS MORNING!"
THIS IS THE FOURTEENTH BRANDY
CHAR1VARIA.
JOHN CHAPMAN, of Galena, Texas, fell
down a shaft at the Blind Tiger Mine,
and dislocated his shoulder. On reach-
ing home he tumbled down the cellar
stairs, and the jolt restored the shoulder
to its place. But the most wonderful
part remains yet to be told. An
English editor was found to believe
the story.
In aid of a New York Bazaar tickets
are being sold among young men at
4s. each, entitling the holder to a kiss.
The identity of the ladies will be kept
secret till the day of the Bazaar. There
is an ugly rumour to the effect that
they are all elderly spinsters, from each
of whom the clever organisers are
getting 8s.
A Bluejacket of H.M.S. Good Hope
has been sentenced to three months'
hard labour for writing a book. It is
to be hoped that the movement will
spread.
Some explorers in New Guinea have
discovered a tribe of Ape-like Men.
The tribe's description of the explorers
has not yet come to hand.
Mr. HALL CAINE has been having a
controversy with Mr. WILSON BAKKKTT
in the columns of the Referee. Mr.
CAINE writes, humorously enough, from
" The Hermitage."
"Blood rain." has been seen in
certain parts of England, and coal 'has
fallen in America.
According to the Novoe Vrenuja, the
new caravan road built by the English
via Benda Abbas and the Quetta Kail-
road is proving a serious menace to the
supremacy of Russia in Persia. Acci-
dents will happen.
The Neueste Nachrichten declares
that it is not the business of the
Germans to teach the British and
Americans manners. With that sound
common sense which characterises the
whole nation, the Germans never under-
take a task of which they are incapable.
President ROOSEVELT and Sir WILFRID
LAURIER have both expressed themselves
as anxiously hoping for the final settle-
ment of the Irish Land Question on the
lines of the Conference Agreement.
The selfishness of their motive is
obvious. Fewer Irishmen would emi-
grate in their direction.
A newspaper having reported that
our railway directors are at last aroused,
several have written indignantly deny-
ing it.
The Woolwich election has been
arousing considerable interest. Mr.
DRAGE'S contention that half a loaf is
better than no loaf has been hotly con-
tested by Mr. CROOKS, who counts
among his supporters many entire
loafers.
A blow has been struck at the prac-
tice of Ministers going to sleep in the
House of Commons. A silent nod on
the part of Mr. BRODRICK that coincided
with the asking of a question has been
interpreted as an affirmative reply.
One of the most satisfying signs of
the times in England is the spread of
technical education. A new Anarchist
Club has just been formed in London.
A feature is to be a course of instruc-
tion for members in the use of chemicals
for the manufacture of explosives.
Lord SPENCER has come to the con-
clusion that the conduct of the Irish
M.P.'s in applauding the disasters to
British arms during the Boer War was
reprehensible. The decision is all the
more valuable in that it is no hasty
one.
, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MARCH 11, 1903.
THE RETURN OF ULYSSES.
MODERN PENELOPE (UNIONIST PARTY). "JOY! JOY! IT IS INDEED MY ULYSSKS."
Jhncn 11, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
175
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
KxlRACTKB FROM THE PlAIIY OF Tol'.Y, M.P.
lltnt.se of Commons, Monday, March 2.
" Et tu, Troute! (Forgive the final
unaccustomed vowel. But when one
goes to Rome he must form his syllables
animosity, repressing all youthful
tendencies to revolt, you would have
subsided into a dutiful, iininquisitive
Ministerialist. ' Instead of which,' as
the Judge said, you go about the House
beguiling immature young men like
IAN MALCOLM, and raise the standard of
Mile. Josephine takes the boards again at the scene of her old triumphs, after a most
successful tour.
as the Latins do.) It is true that once
in yester year we behaved badly to you.
Something, I think, to do with an
omitted ticket for a garden party at
Buckingham Palace. Or was it forget-
fulness in respect of a voucher for a
masked ball? However it be, since
then your interests have been jealously
guarded. Whenever arrangements are
being made for any of the State
frivolities dear to your heart, the very
first question put in Cabinet Council is,
has Sir TROUT had a card ? And that
reminds me that, only the other day,
steadily overlooking your old pal, CAP'EN
TOMMY BOWLES, we knighted you.
" Tilings being so, it might reasonably
have been expected that, burying all
revolt against the best of all Govern-
ments."
Thus PRINCE ARTHUR, reclining on
Treasury Bench, making his moan. Sir
TROUT BARTLEY, breaking out on matter
of Galway writ, has led away forty-four
young men and KENYON-SLANEY into the
Opposition Division Lobby. Worst of
all is the reflection that, unless screw
had been severely put on, Sir TROUT'S
amendment would have been carried,
issue of writ for Galway being postponed
till end of Session.
This after all had been so nicely
arranged. In ordinary case Irish Whip,
would have moved the writ. Ministerial
majority, left to its own impulses, recall-
ing Galway's boastful selection of a
Member on avowed ground that in
time of peril he had taken up anus
against the QUEEN, would have refused
the writ. That wouldn't do just now
when the patriotic, constitutional Party
chance to be hand-in-glove with Irish
Nationalists. So ATTORNEY - GENERAL
moved writ on account of the Govern-
ment. Ministerialists shown into
Lobby with REDMOND ain&, who, when
Galway election was pending, cabled
encouragement of LYNCH'S candi-
dature ; in the rush Sir TROUT is
trampled on.
PRINCE ARTHUR'S annoyance at whole
business not lessened by knowledge
of what has since taken place in the
Lords. The Lion of the Tribe of Judah
unexpectedly broke loose on Venezuelan
question. Nothing more unexpected
from early aspect of incident. TWEED-
MOUTH in nearly empty House drummed
away at Venezuelan business. LANS-
DOWNS made official reply on familiar
lines. Thoughts of noble Lords turned
affectionately to hats and coats in outer
Lobby. When up gat ROSEBEHY.
Long time since he was in such fine
form. No sign of preparation, no note
of reference. Out rolled the sentences,
perfectly formed, coruscating with
scorn, blazing with indignation.
" It is not," he thundered, " in accord-
ance with the comity of nations, it is
not in accordance with the relations
that ought to sway the Governments of
London and Washington, that the
British Government should feel the
pulse of Washington through the
medium of the German Government. I
wish to dismiss this ignominious and
pitiful transaction as quickly as possible
from my memory."
In his magnificent rage the Lion
crushed some ordinarily inoffensive
people, who really had nothing to do
with the affair. AVEBURY, the mildest-
mannered man who ever signed a
cheque, generously attempted to defend
the Government. ROSEBERY brushed
him aside with reference to " the noble
Lord who spoke with all the passion
and pathos of a bond-holder." BALFOUR
OF BURLEIQH, Secretary for Scotland,
crossing the Border during the Recess,
ventured to enter domain of foreign
policy. "I have the greatest respect
for my noble friend in matters apper-
taining to his own Department. I pay
every homage to the Secretary for
Scotland. But And here the
mangled remains of BALFOUR OF BURLEIQH
were carried out.
And what do you think he said about
pur GEORGIE ? " Lord GEORGE HAMILTON
is a very important Minister, or per-
haps, to speak more correctly, a Minister
who has held very important posts."
Was biography ever more wittily or more
discriminately summarised ?
176
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 11, 1903.
Business done. Bad in both Houses
for His Majesty's Government.
Tuesday night. Few Members more
familiar than JEMMY LOWTHER with rules
governing debate in Committee. Man
and boy lie is, to the delight of man-
kind, still a boy has sat in House
for nearly forty years. There have been
intervals of absence due to fickleness of
constituencies. Save for that (and the
circumstance that he remains unmarried)
he might be Father of the House. This
afternoon, JEFFREYS being in Chair in
absence of the other LOWTHER, the right
hon. JEMMY found irresistible temptation
to a lark. Deputy Chairman ruled
debate should be kept within certain
clearly defined limits. Several Mem-
bers, attempting to get out of bounds,
brought back. JEMMY approaches sub-
ject with that judicial air and magis-
terial voice which, combined with
suspicion of tongue thrust in the cheek,
command instant attention. Straying
into forbidden paths was brought back
by Chairman.
" Certainly. Of course," said JEMMY,
waving his hand as if warning the
Chairman off the course. "I bow, Sir,
to your ruling. But, the hon. gentle-
man opposite having alluded to the
topic, I felt it would have been dis-
courteous on my part to omit all refer-
ence to it."
The bearing of this observation lies
in the application of it, well known to
laughing Members. Put into unparlia-
mentary language, what JAMES means is
that the Chairman had permitted one
*
" Too much Fourth_Party ' going on to
please me ! "
(The Prime Minister.)
i- -H*~- 1 I
^ %
Judge J-ffr-ys.
(Chairman of Committees.)
Member to descant on the forbidden
topic, whereas when another approached
it he is smartly hauled up.
As JEMMY proceeds and again trans-
gresses, the Deputy Chairman interposes
with increasing peremptoriness. The
eyes of the watching audience glisten
with delight. What if JEMMY were to be
" named," suspended from the service of
the House, peradventure carried forth
by four stalwart policemen ! JEMMY too
old a Parliamentary hand to be caught
in such trap. Has had his fun, gone
as far as is safe, and sits down after
flinging a last stone at the Chair.
"It is," he said, in tone and manner
recalling his famous judicial appearance
in the Jockey Club case, "to be
regretted that we should have forced
upon us truncated debate upon this
important Blue Book."
Business done. Supplementary Esti-
mates.
Friday Night. Through week of not
unalloyed satisfaction a gleam of light
has for a moment fallen on Brother
GERALD. It was D. A. THOMAS who shed
it. Been spending quiet Sabbaths in
reading back numbers of Hansard.
Came upon debate which took place in
the Session of 1826 on question of
salary of President of Board of Trade.
Proposal made by no less important
and disinterested person than Chan-
cellor of the Exchequer of the day to
raise it to 5,000 a year, On division
proposal carried. No action taken, and
to this day President limps along on
pittance of 2,000 a year. THOMAS,
thinking that since war is actually over,
now is the time to spend a little money,
gave notice of question Why this par-
ticular resolution had never been carried
out?
Brother GERALD'S eye gleamed when
it fell upon the question ; so unlike the
accustomed form of interrogation
addressed to him. Not at all a bad
fellow, DAVID THOMAS, though weak in
respect of Home Rule, Disestablishment,
Rights of Landlords, and One Man One
Vote. Looked up HANSARD. Alack !
Reason why resolution was still-born
written on figures of division. In a
small House carried by only eleven votes.
Of course, if it were made a question of
confidence, Party threatened with C.-B.
on Treasury Bench, it would be carried
by a rattling majority as was the Gal way
writ. But that sort of thing may be
overdone. So GERALD, with a pathos
that shone in his eyes and trembled in
his voice, explained the matter to the
Member for MERTHYR.
DAVID THOMAS is, inexplicably, gaining
among his countrymen the character of
a humourist.
Business done. Private Members'.
THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE.
[Being a sequel to the "Admirable Crich-
tou's " dissertation addressed to Lady MARY, and
based on the splendid anachronism, " I was a
king in Babylon and you were a Christian
slave."]
POLLY, my reign is over ;
BILL CRICHTON has played the game ;
And I 'm learning here in the Harrow
Road
How hollow is earthly fame.
But I hope you will never forget, love,
(Believe me, 'tis all I crave,)
That I was a Cedar in Lebanon
When you were a Pilgrim's Stave.
I gave you the use of your limbs, POLLY ;
I taught you " the joy of life,"
And the proper worth of a hairpin
(For I meant you to be my wife),
In that fair sub-tropical island
Where the cocoa-nut palm trees wave,
When I was the Tomb of NAPOLEON,
And you were a Nameless Grave.
Time's whirligig recompenses
The man who is down to-day.
Two hundred years ago, POLLY,
What were we ? I cannot say.
But I seem to remember a conquest
You scored in a Catskill cave,
When you were a keg of Jamaica Rum,
And I was an Indian Brave.
And a thousand years hence, POLLY
Ah ! will it be just the same ?
No matter ! In this existence
BILL CRICHTON has played the game.
But, after the lapse of ages,
How, think you, shall we behave,
If I am the "Angel " at Islington,
And you are an Easy Shave ?
MARCH 11, 1903.]
I'l \CH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
177
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178
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 11, 1903.
LITTLE FARCES FOR THE
FORCES.
III. A MODEL ARMY CORPS.
SCENE The Bureau of the War Minister
of Euritania. The Minister, at his
table, leans back contentedly in his
chair, washes his hands with invisi-
ble soap, and smiles benignly at his
Private Secretary, who stands lie-
side him with a bundle of letters.
The Minister. Was our little hint to
the British Minister, that our Guards
were entirely officered by Retired Full
Colonels over the age of 50, and that
such a thing as a Subalterns' Court-
martial is unknown with us, taken in
good part?
The Secretary (referring to a letter).
The Minister is most thankful.
The Minister. Is there any other mili-
tary matter in which, by example or
precept, we could assist those dear good
muddling British ?
The Secretary. They seem now to be
in trouble over their Army Corps.
The Minister. Indeed.
The Secretary. In their Parliament
one Party takes it for granted that the
Army Corps exist, and declare that they
ought not to ; the other Party say that
they are necessary, but profess not to
be able to discover them.
Tlie Minister. Is that their only diffi-
culty? Were I in Pall Mall I think
that I could show them how all parties
could,, be satisfied without any burden
being placed on the Treasury.
The Secretary. I feel sure that if I
might convey a hint
The Minister. We will form Army
Corps No. VII. First select as a
manoeuvring ground any piece of useless
land. If it is a swamp, point out its
advantages as a training ground for an
Upper Nile campaign ; if it is all sand,
liken it to the Sahara ; if it is honey-
combed with quarries, suggest that our
troops may at any moment be engaged
in a campaign against the Eskimo
cave-dwellers. In the centre of the
manoeuvring ground run. up some tin
shelters.
The Secretary. Will they not interfere
with' tactics ?
The Minister. They will afford an
annual excuse for not holding the
annual manoeuvres.
The Secretary. They will be scarcely
habitable.
The Minister. In summer, troops, oJ
course, would be under canvas, and ,in
winter no sane person would house them
in the centre of a plain.
The Secretary. The Commander and
his Staff, Sir?
The Minister. Purely honorary appoint-
ments. Let all the ^retired Generals
who think that if they had their rights
hey should be in command of the First
Army Corps take it in turn to show
what they can do with the Seventh.
The Secretary. And the troops, Sir,
what regiments will compose the Corps
and what will be their strength. ?
The Minister. Tut, tut, tut. I thought
'. had told you never to use the word
' Regiment " again. We always talk of
' Units " now, for a military " unit "
may mean one man or a thousand.
3tate as few figures as possible, and
always preface a number with " esti-
mated " and follow it with " available."
The Secretary. Certainly.
The Minister. " Estimated " carries
with it a poet's license, and " available "
means that the troops might be there if
they were not somewhere else.
The Secretary. And as to men ?
The Minister. The other Army Corps,
consisting largely of Specials, the
Seventh, should be composed of Extra
Specials. The name to the British
mind would suggest a pleasant associa-
tion with Scotch whisky. We should
draw largely on the surrounding parish
schools, during play hours, for our
material, and if awkward questions
were asked, parry them with a stroke
of facetious patriotism by alluding to
the children in arms.
The Secretary. I quite comprehend.
As to horses ?
The Minister. The horse is doomed
by the motor ; but the motor has not
yet reached the point of development
which would justify any expenditure of
money on it as a cavalry charger.
The Secretary. And the guns ?
The Minister. It is a military axiom
that guns in war frighten more than
they hurt. In peace they retain only
their frightening qualities. As we do
not wish our troops to be frightened,
the use of guns in peace time vanishes.
The Secretary. Anything more, Sir ?
The Minister. The commissariat diffi-
culty is met of course by the Napoleonic
dictum that the Army should live on
the country. I fancy that I have fairly
disposed of all difficulties. When you
have your chat at the Ministry, you
may say that I shall be glad if at any
future time I can be of any further use.
Now let us turn to important matters.
Have you the new design for the tunic
buttons ?
[The Minister and the Secretary devote
their minds to business.
A GROVE OF BLARNEY. Several people
have written to complain that though
their gardener's little nephew heard the
nightingale quite a fortnight ago,
Spring has not yet begun. It canno'
be too clearly impressed upon the public
that, in matters of this kind, what the
nightingale says is not evidence.
EXPERTO CREDE.
["The other day I picked up a book and
!ound it was Homer. I tried to get some
enjoyment from reading it, but was disap-
>ointed. I got no enjoyment at all. When I
read of Achilles praying for the success of his
country's enemies because his own schemes
went wrong, it was too much for me and I put
,he book away." Mr. Carnegie.]
AMAZING how Professors waste
Their time at Oxford College
Instilling in those lads a taste
For worse than useless knowledge !
What oceans of the idlest lore !
What senseless stuff they chatter,
As they forever wrangle o'er
The things which do not matter !
How different the business mind !
How clear and sharp its vision !
How swift the hidden truth to find,
How prompt in its decision !
The problems which for ages back
Your purblind dons have reckoned
The hardest nuts they have to crack,
I settle in a second.
Take HOMER. Some few days ago
I 'd never read a word of him
(For I 'm a busy man), although
I certainly had heard of him.
Indeed, from some remark let fall
Or casual suggestion,
I 'd learnt there is what scholars cull
A great Homeric question.
Expectant I began to turn
The badly printed pages,
Devoutly hoping here to learn
The wisdom of the ages.
But what a revelation ! What
A tale of petty quarrels !
These pagans were a wicked lot,
Without a grain of morals.
Not even patriotic they :
Beside the vile Achilles
The bad pro-Boers of yesterday
Were spotless as the lilies.
Hate, envy, malice, every sin
And villainy of NERO'S,
You find them all united in
These miserable heroes.
Is this, said I, the kind of stuff
Our youths are taught to swallow ?
These bragging fools, this idle bluff,
This folly, vain and hollow ?
A resolution came to me
As o'er the book I brooded .'
From all my libraries I '11 see
That Homer is excluded.
Our Skeleton Army.
THE scarcity of suitable officers is well
instanced in thefollowing advertisement,
in which the age limit has been greatly
reduced and other allowances made.
GENERAL, from 18, 20; no boots or steps.
Glasgow Herald.
Mm-ii 11, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON ClIAlJIN'AIM.
179
THE LATEST STYLE OF ROOM DECORATION. THE HOME MADE BEAUTIFUL.
According to the " Arts and Crafts."
A HARD CASE.
Mr. Punch, himself the pink of
courtesy, is delighted on occasion to
give advice which will enable his
readers tn act in difficult circumstances
as the dictates of good manners com-
mand. He lia.s been asked to adju-
dicate in the following Hard Case,
which lie docs with pleasure, having
first, as a matter of interest, asked
the opinion of a few of his corre-
spondents, whose suggestions he ap-
pends to his own decision.
Mrs. A., a lady of sm'iul aspirations,
living in (lie district, known to the
postal authorities as Rayswater, W.,
and to her friends anil herself as Hyde
Park, bears a marked resemblance to
Mrs. B., originally her bosom friend.
but now a mere acquaintance, owing to
Mr. B. having risen in the world and
rented a house in Lowndes Square,
which Mrs. A. naturally resents as a
personal slight. Mrs. A., on the third
day of a charity bazaar, buys a knitted
baby's petticoat, marked 5/6, from a
stall held by Lady C., whose young
daughter, the Honourable D. C., refuses
to give her any change out of half-a-
sovereign. During the altercation which
Lady C. comrs up a'ld says
" Oh, Mrs. B., how do you do? Haven't
seen you for an age. No, we don't
give change. Do come and lunch to-
morrow two o'clock, Belgrave Square.
That 's right." And then turns to
Miss E., who is assisting her at the stall,
and says, in a lower voice, which is how-
ever audible to Mrs. A., " She 's a horrid
cat. But C. wants to keep in with her
husband." What should Mrs. A. do?
Mr. Punch acknowledges the difficulty
of this case, which may be looked at
from more than one point of view. A
careful consideration of the circum-
stances, however, haa enabled him to
make the following pronouncement :
Mrs. A. should certainly lunch with
Lady C. The expression "horrid rat,"
which she overheard, was used <.f
Mrs. B. and not of herself. There is
no reason, therefore, why she should
resent it. Moreover, Lady C. had
mulcted her of I !> beyond the price of
her purchase, which would more than
counter - balance any obligation she
might be under in eating her luncheon
at I>ady C.'s expense. Mrs. A., on her
way home, could call on Mrs. B., and
mention, in the course of conversation,
that she had been lunching that day
with her great friend, Lady C., who
had called her (Mrs. B.) a horrid cat.
Mr. Punch awards a pat on the back
to JINGLE, KATERFELTO, MAIMIE, and
WASPSTINO, who have replied, " Mrs. A.
should say nothing and go."
Answers adjudged incorrect.
DOUBLE DUTCH, JUMBO, SMILAX and
WATERBURY. " Mrs. A. should do no-
thing." (This is never the right answer
to anything, though very popular.)
MOUSIE. " Mrs. A. should say sweetly
to Lady C., 'I think you are mistaking
mo for my friend Mrs. B., who may or
may not be a horrid cat ! Good morn-
ing ! ' (It was stated that Mrs. A. no
longer considered Mrs. B. in the light
of a friend. Besides, it was four o'clock
in the afternoon.)
B.A., LOND. "Mrs. A. should take
the loss of her half-sovereign with a
good grace, and remember the Latin
proverb, 'Bis dat qui cito dat.' " (Mrs.
A. could not very well remember what
she had never known.)
TOOTLES. " Mrs. A. should pocket
the insult and go." (Mrs. A., being a
perfect lady, would not wear a pocket.)
AI.I'IIABEIICAL. Mr. H. A. JOXES may
not know the A. B. C. of dramatic art,
but he certainly knows the A. B. \V. of
dramatic criticism.
180
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 11, 1903.
JONES DEFIES THE MESSENGER OF
JUPITER TONASTS.
A 1909 "FIRST-NIGHT."
OK the evening of my arrival in
London after an absence of several years
I decided to visit a theatre.
Greatly to my surprise I found the
house surrounded by a ring of police.
In front of them was drawn up a body
of mounted troops, arrayed in an
unfamiliar uniform.
I accosted an important-looking police-
sergeant.
" Is it a fire ?" I said.
" A fire ? Why, no, Sir, it 's a First-
Night."
"A First-Night ? What on earth are all
these police and soldiers here for then? "
" Why, to keep the public out, of
course," he answered.
" I don't understand it at all," I said.
' ' Can I get a seat, do you think ? I 'm
rather anxious to see ," and I handed
him my card.
The sergeant touched his helmet and
said he would send in my name to the
manager. Shortly afterwards he
beckoned me, and I was conducted into
the foyer.
Here I was greeted courteously by
Mr. BUSKIN, the famous actor-manager
I repeated my request for a seat. Mr
BUSKIN replied politely but firmly that
he was afraid the thing was impossible
under no circumstances were members
of the general public admitted on
First-Nights.
"Never admitted on First-Nights!'
I cried. "Why, when I was last
home a First-Night was the thing in
the fashionable world."
Mr. BUSKIN smiled benignantly.
"Ah, yes," he replied, "but wi
stopped all that sort of thing long ago
It commenced with the stalls anc
)alcony ; we found ourselves compelled
close them on premieres because
aeople would come in late an actor
;an't stand that sort of thing, you
know. Moreover," he continued, "it
distracts the attention of the audience,
,nd they lose the thread of the thing.
The slightest thing distracts the atten-
ion from modern plays, we find."
" But, but you have no audience on
?irst-Nights, now-a-days," I objected.
'Except, of course, the pit and
" Oh, indeed we have," Mr. BUSKIN
nterpolated, "employees of the theatre
and our personal friends, you know.
You are at fault, too, in your further
remark. The pit is a thing of the
past. We 've done away with that long
ago. I believe there is one house on
;he Surrey side which still keeps one,
but they use it as an advertisement.
People pay a certain sum to be shown
over it."
" Well, the gallery?" I ventured; "is
that open ? "
"Not on First-Nights," replied the
famous actor-manager. "Impossible.
We tried admitting only one spectator
to every three constables, but it was no
good. They would ' boo.' DOGSON, of
the Model Theatre, still admits a certain
number on these occasions sixty, I
think it is and each person as he
takes his ticket is fitted with a pair of
hand-cuffs, leg-irons, and a gag. But
it 's a risky thing, even at that, and I
don't think he '11 keep it up much
longer they will clank the irons, you
know. It sounds rigorous, I daresay ;
but, you see, we must defend our own
interests."
"I suppose you must," I assented.
" What about the boxes ? "
" Boxes ? Boxes ? Ah, yes, of course,
1 remember the word. Oh dear no ;
indeed, we don't have such things
now. The space they formerly occupied
is devoted to miniature batteries, in
which we station detachments of our
Theatrical Life Guards with fire-hoses.
Each battery commands a certain por-
tion of the house, and at a signal from
the stage, any signs of disapproval or
restlessness are immediately quelled by
a well-directed stream of water."
" Most astonishing thing lever heard
of inmy life! " I murmured. " This, of
course, accounts for the police, they
"Certainly. They are to prevent any
attempt on the part of the public to
enter by force. On ordinary nights,
too, they keep back undesirables. ]
daresay you. noticed our Theatrical Life
Guards as well ? We employ them for
the same purpose. Then we have, in
addition, our skirmishers bands
trained Hooligans. Their special duty
is the belting away of critics. Oh, it's
a wonderful system."
"It is, indeed," I concurred. " One
ast question, if you will be so good.
About this chasing away of critics by
looligans what about the press notices
who writes those ? ' '
" Why, the author of the play, of
course. He does all that. Each mem-
)er of the cast supplies him with a
critique of his or her individual per-
xxrmance, which he tacks on to his own
account, and and that 's how it 's done.
Far more satisfactory than the old
methods, I assure you. Good evening."
As I stepped into the street a China-
man flashed past me, pursued by a
oand of burly youths, uniformed in red
and gold, and brandishing heavy belts.
The procession passed like a streak of
ightning.
"What's up?" I enquired of my
Eriend the sergeant.
" Why, it 's one o' them critics,
trying to get in in disguise, Sir," he
replied. " 'E came as a 'Indoo last
show we had 'ere. 'E '11 get 'urt, one
of these days, 'e will."
I passed the evening very enjoyably
at a Music-hall. It was strangely full.
RIEN A DECLARER.
(Mem. for those with incomes.)
ANNUAL season of national perjury
begins with issue of the Declaration-of-
Income forms. Note, "income" may
variously denote :
Income as stated to our friends,
say - - - - 1,000
,, as credited us by our
friends - - - 800
, , as divulged to Surveyor 250
,, as determined by Sur-
veyor - - 700
We consider we are worth - 1,500
Employer considers we are worth 80
Actual income - - 400
Note also we are requested to assess
our income from " salt springs," " alum
mines," "ferries," "cemeteries," "drains,"
and "streams of water" after deducting
" wear and tear of machinery."
Bewildered public usually enters
"nil" in every column, and scribbles
its name and family history indiscrimin-
ately everywhere, as with all official
documents.
Note also under expenses " wholly,
exclusively, and necessarily incurred in
performance of duties of office or em-
ployment," we may include cab fares,
drinks between meals, lunching ex-
penses, and losses at poker.
Surveyor in general adopts principle
of multiplying declared income by
amount of deceit in householder's face,
and insulting ah 1 applicants for rebate
so grossly that no one with any self-re-
spect will ever apply for anything again.
Motto for taxpayer : Evasion is no
robbery.
MARCH 18, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
181
A PLEASANT PROSPECT.
M'iss Kitty Candour (who hat jutt accepted dear Reggie, and is now taking him fully into her confidence). " I MCST TELL TO0,
]>KU(, THAT THE GREAT FAULT OF MY CHARACTER IS THAT AFTER I HAVE TAKEN ANY RESOLUTION IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT IT MAT BE 1
BITTERLY REPENT IT ! "
i; i. i.'.n.
ALWAYS
PRODUCTION OF MR. JABBERJEE'S PLAY.
(The Author's own narrative concluded.)
LAST week I left myself about to go before the curtain
in obedience to a vociferous request to behold the Author.
But, being so transported with joy as not to know till later
whether I was on heels or head, I fell down several stairs,
which occasioned some delay.
Consequently when, in a profuse perspiration, I arrived
on the stage, the spectators had already concluded that I
preferred tn remain as tin- (ireat Unknown, and, folding up
tli(>ir tents like the Arabs, had stolen silently away. And
the members of the company, so far from felicitating my
triumph, were engaged in a heated tittle-tattle and logo-
machy with Mr. ('iiivWinisouiH IhcROW, whom they roundly
reproached with having induced them to shell out hard cash
to render themselves jesting-stocks in a piece which he must
have known was to ii/./le out in complete frost.
At this I politely poured oil upon their troubled vinegar
by stating that, notwithstanding the niggardliness in
scenery department and the incompetency of all the per-
formers to s[>rak what I had set down for them, the play
itself had profoundly moved the spectators, as was shown
by their hallooing and boohooing for the Author at the
termination thereof.
Whereupon, to my surprise, they commenced to vituperate
in self as an inflated native windbag incapable of writing a
tragedy for nuts, asserting that aaid boohooings were the
customary British method of indicating that the performance
had not secured golden opinions.
This stirred up my dander to such a degree that I severely
upbraided Mr. Ducnow as the fons et origo malorum, since
it was due to his parsimony that so fine a tragedy had
turned out a fiasco, and requesting him to refund all moneys
paid as costs of production.
Which Mr. DUCROW declined, lamenting that he should
have warmed an Indian serpent with a thankless tooth in
his bosom, and maintaining that he was out of pocket by
his benevolence, and that, in mere hire of curs for the
dogsledges, he had expended at least fifteen bobs.
To his pupils he would merely say that each and all had
that afternoon laid the stepping-stone of a brilliant career,
and that he was assured of favourable criticisms in such
important organs as the Westbourne Park Morning Express
and Paddingtcm Evening Mail.
One of the gentlemen-actors confirmed this, whispering
that, to his private knowledge, Mr. Morning Express was on
terms of sodality and chumminess with the Royal Oak
Theatrical proprietor, while Mr. Evening Mail was the
ardent admirer of Miss TiTTENsoR, being a parlour-boarder
with her maternal progenitrix.
Had I known all this earlier, I should perhaps have
approached both critics in somewhat different style.
Mr. SILLIPHANT predicted that Messrs. London Times,
TCL. cxxiv.
182
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH IS, 1903.
Telegraph and other leading periodicals would jump at sucli
a chance to get their knives into him, and bitterly blamed
himself for lowering his reputation as an artist by appearing
in so footling a show, while Mr. FITKIN complained that one
of the pug-curs had purloined >a piece of his leg-calf, and
that he should hold me responsible if he ever became a
hydrophobiac.
And several of the performers declared that they had done
with the Dramatic College, causing Mr. DcCEOW to reply
that the}' had given him inexpressible relief by resigning,
since he was shortly expecting to be engaged to produce a
high-class play by a real professional dramatist, whose name
he was forbidden to reveal, and that he had had grave
dubitations whether these particular pupils were sufficiently
accomplished masterpieces to be conscientiously recom-
mended for speaking parts. On which they obsequiously
withdrew their resignations, and entreated that they might
be retained on his good books, after which, perceiving that
I was the neglected quantity and odd man out of it, I
departed in disgust at the gullibility and conceit of
amateurish incompetents.
& e &
Next Day. So far from getting knives into Mr. SILI.IPHANT,
it seems that the London Times, Telegraph and other
morning dailies have treated yesterday's performance on the
silent system of a Sphynx or is this merely a shocking
example of Editorial sleepyheadedness ? I have sent out
for Westbourne Park Express and Paddington Evening Mail
and we shall see whether they will prove wider awake. . . .
From The W. P. Morning Express. "A drama entitled
Mr. Frankenstein, and apparently inspired by the Poet
SHELLEY'S well-known poem, was performed yesterday after-
noon at this popular and recherche little playhouse.
Although produced for a matinee only, it was mounted with
all the faultless care and taste which the enterprising lessee
has accustomed us to expect from him. Of the piece itself,
which we understand is the maiden effort of a gentleman
hailing from India's coral strands, it is perhaps kinder,
especially as it is not likely to be heard of again, to say
nothing. Worse plays have been lived down."
From The Paddington Evening Mail. "Seldom has it been
our hard lot to sit out a weirder and more inconsequent
piece of pretentious balderdash than the so-called Tragedy
by an aspiring Indo-Anglian dramatist which was pro-
duced, &c. However, if the play possessed no merits of
its own, it at least served to introduce a young actress of
quite exceptional fascination and intelligence. The name
of Miss ENID TITTENROR is new to us but we will venture
the prediction that ere long she will be shining as a bright
particular star in the theatrical firmament. Various other
ladies and gentlemen, who have acquired their art under
the tuition of that able elocutionist, Mr. CHESF.BOROUGH
DUCROW, rendered valuable assistance in characters which
afforded them no opportunities for distinction, but Miss
TIITEXSOR, in spite of being evidently hampered by a sense
of the absurdity of her part, played as heroine with a dis-
tinction and power that showed of what she is capable in
a role worthy of her remarkable ability. West End
Managers will do well to secure Miss ENID TITTENSOR before
she is snapped up by some discerning American entre-
preneur."
So one-sided a whistle as this is dearly paid for by casting
Scottish whisky pegs before such ungrateful swines as
Misters Express and Mail!
As I do not possess the bottomless portcmonnaie of a
Fortunatus I must now return forthwith willy nilly, with
nose in pocket, to my faint afflicted family at Calcutta, and
inform them that my mountainous hope has brought forth
a bantling of insignificantly mousey proportions ! . . .
Later. Hip-hip-huzza ! I am not to be so easily snuffed !
I have just received a visit from a highly notorious New
York playdealer, who, it seems, has had the curiosity to
witness my Tragedy, which he is persuaded, if presented
with elaborate magnificence and due solemnity before an
audience of brainy American citizens, will not improbably
tickle them to death !
At first, being apprehensive that he would invite me to
stump up the residuum of my ready money, I was about to
politely nill such a proposal, when who 'd have thought it ?
he produced certain contract-agreements, in return for
signing which he would immediately hand me his cheque
for five hundred dollars for advanced royalties !
I of course rejected so inadequate a bribe with the utmost
indignation, and, after much chaffering, he consented to
double the sum. I have just exchanged his cheque for forty
Bank of England five-pound notes which are very hand-
some birds in the hand, even if they are not the forerunners
of fowls of even finer feathers at present sitting snug in
the bush of Futurity.
One last word to Honble British Acting Managers. The
time may come, Misters, when you will perhaps regret
having disdainfully tucked up your noses to snub a
splendid Indian swan, when passing incog, as the ugly
duckling ! I have no more to say to you, Gentlemen.
P.S. Except that a truly magnanimous will never permit
the rankling resentment of an injury to affect him in
matters of business, and that my Sybilline books are still
open to an offer for London rights from any genuinely Al
quarter, e.g., the National Drury Lane Theatre. H. B. J.
THE END.
THE STRENUOUS LIFE.
[" Dr. STILES, of the United States Agricultural Department, claims
to have discovered the germ of laziness." Daily Paper.']
IN an age of rush and hurry, when you 've scarcely time to tub,
When you shave in twenty seconds and you bolt your morn-
ing grub,
When you hurry to the station with a crowd of the profane,
And you scurry through the paper in the early morning train
In that vile suburban train,
With its freight of human pain,
Where you ruin your digestion and your temper and your
brain !
When you gallop through the morning and have scarcely
time to crunch
Half an Abernetby biscuit as you snatch a lightning lunch,
When the after-lunch tobacco you religiously taboo
As you hurry back to business on the very stroke of two
At that torpid hour of two,
If you 've lunched as you should do,
Not a care and not a worry woidd obtrude itself on you
In an age when all is whirling in a ceaseless strain and stress
It is good to hear they 've lighted on the germ of laziness,
And I hope the worthy Doctor will elect to spend his days
In inoculating people and compelling them to laze
Ah, if only they would laze,
And amend their horrid ways,
We should see a happy ending of this hurry-scurry craze.
Angry Sportsman (to Irish farmer ulio has let him a
salmon fishery for 100). You may like to know that I have
only caught three fish during the whole season. So they
cost me 33 6s. Sd. cash a-piece.
Irish Farmer. Faith, 'twas lucky that ycr honour did not
catch any more at that price !
rrxcii. m; TIIK U>NI><>\ CIIAUIVAUI. M.MK.-H is, i:io;j.
A DREAM OF ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
MARCH 18, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAIMN AIM.
185
QUEER CALLINGS.
III. THE SOCIAL STATISTICIAN.
"Jisr iinw," said our host, settling
himself further in his chair, " my studies
arc taking me into two very different
channels : I am inquiring into cabs and
wedding-presents. 'I''"' iiliosyncrasies
of persons of eminence who ride in cabs
are well worthy of patient, investigation
in the pursuit of those data by which
character is a-certained. It may never
have occurred to you that one man rides
differently from another; but so it is.
Mr.CiUMUKiii.Aix. forexam pie, when riding
alone always sits in the middle of the
seat and leans back. Mr. ASQUITH sits
in the middle of the seat and leans
forward. Lord ROSEDERY, Mr. MOIILEY,
and Mr. LLOYD-GEORGE subside into the
left corner. Sir MICHAEL HICKS-BEACH,
Mr. GIDSON BOWIES and Lord HUGH CECIL
subside into the right. Sir JOHN GORST
folds his arms. The Duke of DEVON-
SHIRE closes his eyes. Lord SALISBURY
forgets his destination. Sir HENRY
CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN takes two cabs and
runs between them. Mr. WYNDHAM
adjusts his moustaches in the glass.
Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL changes places
with the driver.
" Then as to methods of payment
these also are full of character. Sir
EDWARD GREY pushes the fare through
the hole in the roof ; Mr. LABOUCHEKE
pays in new sixpences ; Mr. DILLON has
an argument with the cabman ; Mr.
PIERTONT MORGAN asks for discount."
The Statistician paused for breath.
" It is very interesting," we remarked,
"and certainly of the highest value.
You mentioned wedding presents . . . ? "
" Oh, yes. The investigator has a
practically endless field before him
there. Take butter dishes. 1 find that
in the last statistical year, closing with
February 28, no fewer than 186,371
butter dishes were given away to young
jjersons beginning the battle of life, or
an average of 3'008 butter dishes to
every cow in the kingdom, and of 7'042
butter dishes to every married couple.
What does that teach us ? "
"What, indeed!" we echoed with
conviction.
He looked wearily at the fire.
"Coal-scuttles," he murmured. "Do
you know how many coal-scuttles were
presented last year V "
We had no notion.
" The figures," he said, " arc remark-
able : 49,816. I say coal-scuttles, but
some of course were in the shape of
cauldrons. Now of these I find that
no fewer than 37,.'5;">3 were given by
aunts. Why do aunts give coal-scuttles ?"
lie exclaimed. "It leaves only li'.lf,:;
to be divided among other relatives and
friends. Why this disproportion?"
The Otcner (after five breakdowns and a spill). "AfiE T-rou K-KKEN ON R-BIDIXQ HOME?"
Jl is Friend. "N-uoT VERY."
The Owner. " L-LET'S L-LEAVE IT A-AND WALK, S-SHALL WE ? "
We were unable to supply a theory.
" I think," he said, " I think I have
discovered the reason. It seems that
there is a growing tendency to call
wedding presents by the name of their
donors ; instead of saying, ' Pass the
mustard,' as in our youth, we say, ' Pass
Cousin CHARLOTTE ' she having pre-
sented the mustard pot to the bride
Now aunts know this : and aunts, I
have ascertained, as a rule are vain and
want to be remembered. Hence it has
come about that they are getting more
and more to choose for wedding gifts
articles of solidity and perdurability. A
mustard pot is easily mislaid or stolen ;
an epergne is breakable ; a dressing-bag
wears out ; a butter dish is superseded.
But a coal-scuttle goes on, it endures
and keeps sweet the name and fame of
its giver. Is not that interesting? "
A Dyspeptic Ditty.
I LOVE little lobsters,
Their tint is so warm ;
And if I don't eat them
They '11 do me no harm.
186
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 18, 1903.
JOSEPHO AFRICANO.
LIKE Spring that calls the swallow,
With bud and bloom to follow,
For weary hearts and hollow
Piping a winsome strain,
Till tears and laughter choke us,
And tingling veins provoke us
To gambol with the crocus
You come, you come again !
A prey to pure emotion,
The amorous waves of ocean
Have formed the happy notion
To fleck your cheeks with foam ;
The salt sea-winds have kissed yon-
How could they well resist you ? -
And we, ah we have missed you !
O welcome, welcome home !
What with the Times so stirring,
And awkward things occurring,
And hope's prolonged deferring
To make us deadly sick,
So much your voice was needed
To get our motions heeded
That even AUSTEN pleaded,
" father, do be quick ! "
The few your faith relies on
Directed haggard eyes on
The sea's remote horizon
So dim and vast and wet ;
And when they heard a blizzard
They trembled in the gizzard,
Saying " It is, it is hard
Luck if he gets upset."
Colleagues, unwoiit to squander
Their love on you, grew fonder,
And widow-like would ponder
Upon their absent dear ;
With every new disaster
Their loving hearts went faster,
Yearning towards the Master
" If he were only here ! "
Now malice, once bedridden
Upon her native midden,
Has washed herself and bidden
The feast your fame has earned,
Who, through a hottish season,
Induced the ranks of treason
To bow to words of reason
Until your back was turned.
Sedition leagued and banded
You countered single-handed
W T ith lectures strangely candid
And wit supremely deft ;
For still your stature rises
Equal to all surprises,
Reaching us many sizes
Larger than when you left !
In wounds that gaped defiance
At merely human science
With god-like self-reliance
You plugged the timely stitch ;
You taught the Boar and Lion
To coo like doves in Sion,
And babes to play I spy on
The cockatrice's pitch.
Then, touching at Madeira,
You sketched the coming era,
Painting the British sphere a
Profuse and flaming red ;
Showed how, by swift inflations,
Soaring above the nations,
We '11 knock the constellations
With high impinging head.
Elect of all the ages,
Come, pouch your triumph's wages
By three ascending stages
Southampton, London, Brum ;
Come where our Mayors await you
To puff, and stuff, and fete you,
Dlgnissime spectatu,
Come, AFRICANS, come ! 0. S.
PREPARING FOR THE BUDGET.
A ROYAL Mail cart dashed up Down-
ing Street and deposited the Postmaster-
General at the door. A minute later
the Home Secretary alighted from a
police van. " It looks ostentatious,"
sighed the Premier, as he watched
from an upper window, ''but if BR-DR-CK
will come on a gun-carriage I can't
blame the others." He strolled down
to the Cabinet Room and airily greeted
his colleagues. Then he took his seat
at the head of the table, and addressed
them.
" Gentlemen, we are here to-day to
consider the forthcoming Budget. I
think, perhaps, it would make for
efficiency and efficiency is popular if
each of you stated his additional re-
quirements for the coming year. If
R-TCH-E takes them down on a piece of
paper we shall then know precisely
where we are."
A murmur of admiration at the
Premier's business habits ran round
the assembly. The Chancellor of the
Exchequer sharpened a pencil and
looked round expectantly.
" Ten millions extra," said the War
Secretary.
" What for ? " snapped the Chancellor.
"To provide four new Army Corps
in case of a Continental war."
"Twenty millions more," said the
Earl of S-Ln-RNE.
" Great heavens ! " shouted the Chan-
cellor, " and what do you want it for?
"To build a fleet to escort BR-DR-CK'S
Army Corps."
"But they aren't real Army Corps,"
said the War Secretary in a hurt tone.
"Well, this won't be a real fleet,"
said the First Lord angrily.
" Hush, gentlemen," said the Premier ;
" but if neither the Army Corps nor
the Fleet are real, do you need real
money ? I don't think you need put
those items down, R-TCII-E."
" Two millions extra for the Uganda
Railway," said the Foreign Secretary.
" That was finished last year," said
the Chancellor.
" Well, I can't help the lions tearing
up the permanent way can I ? "
" Of course if they were British lions
we must pay. Put it down, R-TCH-E."
" I want a million to start the local
authorities working the Education Bill,"
said a youthful voice.
" Who is he ? " whispered the Premier
to the Chancellor of the Duchy.
" L-xc, Local Government Board
dog muzzier," replied the faithful
henchman.
" Quite right I thought he was a
journalist who had slipped in by all
means let him educate his dogs."
"I want 3,492,378 13s. 2d. to
improve National Education," said the
Marquis of L-ND-ND-RRY.
" What a head for figures! Where
did he get it ? " said the Premier in an
aside.
" In the coal trade," answered the
Minister of Agriculture.
"A million for new gaols for aliens,
and to provide polyglot warders," said
the Home Secretar}'.
"Any thing more?" asked thePremier.
"Two millions to improve the postal
services," said the Postmaster General,
and father I mean the Colonial Secre-
tary wants twenty millions for South
Africa, a million for the West Indies, a
million for British Guiana, and half a
million for Fiji."
" Put down twenty-four and a-half
millions more, R-TCH-E, and then add it
all up."
"Thirty-two millions ! " said the Chan-
cellor, in despair, " and I 've promised
to reduce taxation."
" Say twenty-four and a-half millions
extra, my dear fellow. The rest is not
of overwhelming importance."
" But how am I to get even that and
reduce taxation? "
" Nudge D-V-NSH-RE, H-M-LT-N. Now,
my dear Duke, we are in an awkward
fix, and require your solid abilities to
help us out of it. We want to increase
expenditure by twenty-four and a-half
millions, and at the same time to reduce
taxation. How is it to be done? "
" Borrow," said the Duke.
" Make a note of that admirable word,
R-TCH-E," cried the delighted Premier.
"I knew the Duke would pull us
through. What judgment ! What
knowledge of affairs ! Gentlemen, I
foresee that our worthy Chancellor will
be able to bring forward a highly
popular Budget."
A GREAT BLOW TO THE CHURCH. The
Chancellor of the Exchequer is said to
be proposing to coin a nickel twopenny-
piece. Mr. YERKES has signified his
approval,
MAKCII 18, 1903.J
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ( 'IfARI V \ Kl.
187
"THE CHILD IS FATHER OF THE MAN."
["He was >iiiL'iii.tr, and I tiild liim ID leTe
off," said ii boi the Other day, sjicakin-j of liis
father, whom he WHS rliari'im,' wHh assault al
llir Miiryleliunr I'nlicr Court. In answer t"
tlio magistrate' il' SDH i his ri^'lit t"
Oi ill 1 1. 1 the actions of liis father.]
" VIM an 1 wanted in the
nurserv ! " The maid uttered the
message at tin.- library clour.
" \\lin by?" asked the man faintly,
his face assuming a deadly ]>allor.
"Your son, of course," replied the
girl, adding, "And you'd better go
quick, or 1 can tell you you '11 catch it ! "
Needing no second bidding, the man
started to his feet, rushed upstairs, and
knocked timorously at the nursery
door.
For a moment no notice was taken.
Then a voice called, " Come in ! "
The trembling father entered, ad-
\an <-d with downcast head, and stood
before his stern seven-year-old son.
" Why were you SO long ? "
"Please I I didn't know you
\\anled me.''
"Didn't know! You'd no business
not to know ! Didn't know indeed ! "
" I 'in I 'in very sorry, son," put in
the parent faintly.
"Sorry? Of course you're sorry
now, when you know what you will get.
P>ut I didn't send for you to hear
excuses. I sent for you to ask you a
question. What is this that I hear
about smoking ? "
No answer lieyond a feeble muttering.
"Do you hear me?" cried the son
sharply.
" 1 I wasn't smoking."
"How dare yon tell me that! Your
daughter was in the nursery ten
minutes ago, and told me that she met
you on the stairs last night, and that
she distinctly saw you hide a cigarette.
She has gone out driving in her perani
bulator, or she would herself charge
you. Are you ashamed of yourself, or
are you not? "
"i-J ye*;"
"Now, listen you are to tiring me
every bit of tobacco you have in the
house, and don't you let me catch you
with a cigarette again ! Is this the way
you return all the kindness you have
received at the hands of your daughter
and myself? Often have we sat in the
nursery far into the watches of the
afternoon discussing your future
planning what we can do to make y< u
happy and contented. (Sobs from un-
'"'/'/'.'/ follter.) You have grieved me
lieyond words! I have given you a
Son's loving care, and you but what is
the good of talking? There is only one
thing to do though it will hurt me
more than it will hurt you. I.<'<ui nr.'i-
rocking-horse." . . .
THE TRIALS
A DEBUTANTE.
The Ticin MtulJlrtons (both claiming the dance, after much argument, simultaneously).
"WELL, WE LEAVE IT To YOC, Miss BROWN. You MUST KNOW WHOM YOU GAVE THIS DANCE TO!"
[Mlxs lirutcn, never having teen them before this, her first Ball, and quite unable to tell
t'utlier from which, has no vieics on the question.
A BOUllCHIER-JSED PRESS.
Mr. A. J. B-lf-r to Editor of
"Punch." " As your Mr. TOBY, no doubt
from a defect of temperament, seems
unable to bring the requisite amount of
seriousness to his report of the proceed-
ings of the House of Commons, I shall
be glad if you will arrange to have the
' Essence of Parliament ' written bv
another reporter. It would be exceed-
ingly painful to me to have to call in
the services of the Sergeant-at-Arms."
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n to Editor of "
minster Gasett?."- "Please give your
Mr. (ion.D a long holiday. If necessary
a cruiser will be provided to take him
to the Cape. I do not object to reason-
able caricature, but every picture by
Mr. G. is a vote given to the Liberals."
Nil- II. <'->ni>l>-U-li-nn-rm-n to Editor
of "Daily .1/aii." " Much as I appre-
ciate your excellent halfpennyworth
(being Scotch), I am compelled to direct
your attention to your leader-writer,
who has recently treated my leadership
with scant respect. Give him the usual
Institute of Journalists' notice or I shall
proceed to take in the Express."
Tlie Poet Laureate to almost any
Editor." I have to request that my
forthcoming book of verse be not given
to the desperado who reviewed my la-t.
Another review like his and I shall be
revenged in an ode."
Mr. Cobalt, R.A., to Editor of the
journal he most fears. " I have to
request that you will not send to the
forthcoming Press view of the Academy
the art reporter who treated my last
year's work so shamefully. I need
scarcely say that I do so entirely in
your own interest, as we artists never
read unfair criticism, and your circula-
tion suffers accordingly."
188
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAKCH 18, 1903.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
Lady Ease's Daughter (SMITH, ELDER), Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD'S
latest novel, will by many, including my Baronite, be
reckoned her best. It is free from the weight of set
purpose, and lias no moral other than the elementary one,
that attractive young ladies, deeply in love with a man
engaged to be married to some one else, would do well not
to accept an audacious proposal from him secretly to leave
homo and spend a lew days with him in a remote country
hostelry in France. With this bold divagation the story is
simply one of everyday life in the upper envies of English
Society. Mrs. WAUD Knows an, fond the locality and the
inhabitants. Her people, male and female, think, live and
talk very much as do their models, only in respect of
conversation thsy are, apparently without effort, much mora
brilliant. Tha heroine is a fascinating study of a wayward
individuality. More familiar in London life are Lady
Henry and the Duchess of Crowborouijh. The latter is quite
delightful and really human. Perhaps unconsciously Mrs.
WARD tints her portraiture with reminiscences of living
personages. My Baronite seems to know the Duke. But his
consort, the pretty little Duchess, gay, light-hearted, audacious,
loving, throws one off the scent. The interest of the story
never flags, culminating occasionally in such episodes as
Lady Henry's descent on her unbidden guests, and Julie
Le Bretons flight to Paris.
At a time when the intellectual capacities of the British
officer have been called in question, it is a pleasure, says
my Nautical Retainer, to have in my hand two excellent
books of light verse, the work of " COI.DSTREAMER" and
" DUM-DUM," soldiers both, and inspired by Afric's sunny
fountains and India's coral strand, respectively. While
each has mastered the technique of the thing, and handles
his material confidently there is scarcely a line unrhymed
or ill-rhymed in either book " DUM-DUM'S " In the Hills
(THACKER) is much more ambitious, and covers a far wider
range. " COLDSTREAMER," in his Ballads of the Boer War
(GRANT RICHARDS), confines himself to the philosophic com-
ments of THOMAS ATKINS, to which he gives the best
expression we have hitherto encountered in bulk. Coming
fiom " one who knows," we must accept the language as
truly representative of the type, although, when Mr.
KIPLING or any other civilian imputes the same methods of
diction to the private soldier, we are told that a great
injustice has been done to that hero's sense of culture.
" COLDSTREAMER " is nearly always too diffuse ; and he is
perhaps a little too ingenuous in his trick of making TOMMY
abuse almost everybody but himself and the British officer,
and reserve his highest compliments for the author's own Regi-
ment. However, this last is perhaps only a proper esprit
de corps, and nobody that reads these very human verses is
likely to grudge anyone the rare honour of TOMMY'S
panegyrics.
" DUM-DUM," as I said, is far more versatile, but he, too,
tends to be diffuse (who shall throw the first stone?), and,
like all of us at one time or another, keeps a little too close
to his master, CALVERLEY. Elephants are, perhaps, his forte,
and his address to one of these " two-tailed " monsters
(discovered from behind on his knees) is a masterpiece.
" DOM-DUM " should have been at home the other day, writing
another " Vale Elephas " to our departing Jingo.
My Nautical Retainer joins heartily in the universal
approval of the work of two of Mr. Punch's own henchmen,
" E. V. L. and C. L. G.," whose Wisdom while you Wait
(ISBISTER) has at last found a publisher fearless enough to
produce this exquisite burlesque upon the methods of the
Encyclopaedia Britannica Syndicate. The town is coloured
red with it. Laughter, " holding both his sides," is to
be seen in every corner. The hospitals are full of patients
with a strain in their ribs : but otherwise nobody is hurt at
all.
The Lanl Fumy, by R. H. FORSTER (Joim LONG), is a
commendable and recommendable attempt to revive interest
in the historical novel. The style is good, and the author
has sketched his period, the dawn of the Reformation, fairly
well. The descriptions of Border life in the early days of
Bluff King HAL are interesting, but the dialogue throughout
is rather dull, a sort of cross between the pseudo-medisevalisin
of G. P. R. ..I A.M us and the real thing.
At its commencement A Red, Red Rose, by KATHARINE
TYXAN (\ASII), suggests to the reader that he has entered,
as a stranger, hospitably received, into the midst of a family
party, whose conversation turns mainly on certain domestic
matters, the importance of which he can only politely
pretend to appreciate. As the visitor gradually begins to
feel on a better footing with his entertainers, so he enters
with increasing interest into their daily doings. Such
interest, once aroused, increases as the story proceeds, but
it is never at any time so strong as to be absorbing. There
is much picturesque description that is admirable, and a
great deal of quiet observation of human nature in circum-
stances of a not exceptionally trying character ; and herein
consists the special charm of KATHARINE TYNAN'S work.
THE BARON DE B.-W.
MUSICAL GOSSIP.
(New Style.)
IT is estimated by Sir ROBERT GIFFEN that the number of
women who are to be deprived of the chance of marrying
Herr KUBELIK is 51,391,472.
GOSPODIN BOLOSSY BovRiLSKY, the great Cossack contra-
bassist, has taken to golf. With, a handicap of 56 he was
actually 13 down on Bogey at the last montlily competition
at Lompalanka.
Mile. DANIELA DERONDA, the Syrian contralto, has been
decorated by the SULTAN with the Order of the Jerusalem
Artichoke. A portrait of the gifted artist, with artichoke,
appears in the last number of Home Prattle.
M. PROSPER UKHTOMSKY, the Bessarabian pianist, has pur-
chased a cattle-run in Arizona. He finds the work of a
cow-puncher admirably suited to keeping his hand in.
During his recent tour in the United States the Chevalier
BOLESLAS SIMJANKI, the one-eyed Armenian violinist, received
offers of marriage from no fewer than seventeen million-
airesses. The rival claims having been referred to a plebis-
cite of readers of the North Atlantic Hairdressers' Gazette,
an overwhelming majority was returned in favour of Miss
EDNA McAssER, the Oregon Oil Queen.
Mile. OBBIA BOHOTLE, the Somali mezzo-soprano, has given
3000 for her new motor car. With a generosity that
cannot be too highly commended, Mile. BOHOTLE has engaged
a destitute English composer as chauffeur and accompanist.
Miss MAMIE CACHALOT, the New South Wales prima donna,
who is so well known for her pronounced Imperialist views,
has bequeathed her larynx to the British Museum.
M. SEVCIK, the Bohemian maestro, when not engaged in
training prodigies, devotes all his leisure to the elucidation
of Coptic palimpsests.
Sir CHARLES STANFORD has purchased a motor-bicycle,
which he rides with the soft pedal down.
MARCH 18, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
189
THE WOOING.
[The sporting instinct is now so keen among
girls that n man who gallantly moderates his
hitting in mixed hockey is nn-rcly regarded
as an iitrojxiUd slacker l>y his fair opponents. j
WHKV first I played hockev with KITTY,
1 was right off my usual game,
Fur she looked so bewitdiingly pretty
When straight for the circle she came;
As a rulo I 'in not hack ward, or chary
Of hitting and harassing too,
lint who can be rough with a fairy
Not I so I let her go through.
She scored, and we couldn't get equal,
The others all thought me a fool,
And KITTY herself, in the sequel,
Grew most unexpectedly cool.
They gave us a licking, as stated,
I was sick at the sight of the ball,
She thought me a lot over-rated,
And wondered they played me at all.
But she frankly approved PERCY WATERS,
Who uses his stick like a flail,
And always impartially slaughters
liuth sexes, the strong and the frail ;
A mutual friendliness followed,
I watched its career with dismay
Next match-day my feelings I swallowed,
And hit in my orthodox way.
I caught her a crunch on the knuckle,
A clip on the knee and the cheek,
She said, with a rapturous chuckle,
"I see you weren't trying last
week."
Such, conduct its cruelty loses
When it brings consolation to both,
For after she 'd counted her bruises
That evening we plighted our troth.
NEEDS OF THE NATIONS.
[" If wo may believe the Washington corre-
spondent of the New York World, the U. S. A.
< 'mvrrnment an> to propose to Portugal that
they should take a short lease of Lisbon for
the purpose of blockading it, presumably with
dummy shells. . . . The object is to prove that
the American navy can cross the ocean to take
the offensive." St. James's Gazette.]
Tire above passage suggests a new
and extended field of usefulness for the
property-market as well as a fresh era
of prosperity for countries and cities
which have known better days. Per-
haps before long we may see some such
advertisements as these :
WANTED. Good roomy continent
for Army Manoeuvres and colonis-
ing experiments. The larger the better.
'rioil price offered for immediate posses-
sion. Also wanted, good-sized ocean
and part fleet. Wire, W. H., Potsdam,
Germany.
'PO BE LET, for summer season.
Large ancient city ; great historical
and antiquarian interest. Admirably
adapted for sieges, surprises, sorties,
Sec. Artillery, men, &c., can be let
SO VERY CONSCIENTIOUS!
Master of the Houe. "Wiry, JENKINS, WHAT' ON EARTH is THE BAITER WITH TOD? ABEN'T
YOU ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?"
liutler (with great deliberation). "WELL, Snin IF YOU PLEASHE, SHIR ITSH NOT QUITE JO'
FAULT. YOU TOLD HE TO TASTE EVERY BOTTLE OF WlNE BEFORE DINNER, IN OASHE ONE SHOULD
BE CORKED. 1 'VE ONLY CARRIED our IN-SHTRUCSHUNS."
with city if desired, or bring own.
S. P. Q. R., Box 21.
QTREET FIGHTING, every oppor-
tunity for. Houses lean across
streets ; invading army inevitably des-
troyed by brickbats from upper windows.
European tenants preferred. Address,
MAYOR, Carlisle.
"DARGAIN. Beautiful green island
offered for internecine warfare.
Home-grown enemy always in stock.
Moonlight operations ; every attraction.
No English need apply. Write, ERIN,
Europe.
"RULER of large and pleasant Empire
has vacancy for pupil to learn
autocracy and give moral support.
Live in palace. Excellent mixed shoot-
ing. Strong head of Armenians in
immediate vicinity. Army provided if
wished, but better bring own. Religious
convictions no bar. Address, CALIPH,
Yildiz Kiosk. (Excellent testimonials.)
REQUIRED AT ONCE. Empty
country, desert preferred (with
lions and alligators), for settlement of
undesirable aliens. Apply HOWARD
VINCENT, Army and Navy Auxiliary
Stores, Great Britain.
(iOOD HOME, free life, every oppor-
tunity for expert criminals, un-
limited prospects, no charges. JOHN
BULL, London, England. {Testimonial:
" Since I came to London I have found
it necessary to go nowhere else. HAMAN
UNHDNGSKI.")
190
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
18, 1903.
LONDON DAY BY DAY.
l''.r.-<t Citlili'-c. "Ni<:E TiiiNd, AIN'T IT, (!EI>R<;K! I.i.uwK.ii IF I KN'OW WHSRE LONIOX is, NOWADAYS!"
CHARIVARIA.
AT last a serious attempt is to be
made to educate our officers. Meanwhile
an intimation lias been sent round to
the Great Powers t<> the effect that we
would take it as a favour if they would
not make war on us until we have had
time to give the new Education Scheme
a chance.
We hear, on the authority of certain
Senior Subalterns, that certain Junior
Subalterns who recently severed their
connection with the Brigade of Guards
are to be attached to other Regiments as
Regimental Pels.
The Picture Puzzle craze is spreading
to all classes. Mr. WINSTON CHUiiniiLL
has, we hear, been going about with a
drawing of an officer, a private, and a tin
shed, and lias been asking his friends to
guess what it represented. Mr. BnomticK
secured the Consolation Prize.
More Submarines are to be built, and
j\Ir. LI.OM>-( ii<:oi;<;K is to ask the question
whether it is not a fact that these craft
frequently go down with all hands.
Of our two newest battleships, one
has had to return three times owing to
her boilers breaking down, while the
other has gone through her trials satis-
factorily. This is considered a very
fair average.
A Russian spy was recently arrested
while preparing to make plans of our
fortifications at Aden, lie was escorted
back to his ship, and, quite rightly,
told that he had been guilty of a breach
of etiquette.
The Daily Express would seem to
have an Irishman on its staff. An
article in that paper on the Navy's
Secret Code informs us that " the agents
of Foreign Powers are known to have
offered as much as 5000 for the
unattainable little books which have
before now been stolen."
England has made a pretty gift to one
of her most loyal Colonies. On his ex-
pressing an earriestdesire togo toCanada,
a young burglar was set free at the Old
Bailev last week to start life afresh.
A "Club du Silence," or Silent Club,
for men, has been formed in Paris. An
attempt to form a similar one for ladies
has been found impracticable.
The fcaiuiv of the coining season, in
fashions, is said to be Short Skirts and
Long Feet.
Lord MONKSWKM. has been elected
Chairman of the London ( 'ounty Council,
and, in thanking his colleagues, said he
regarded that office as the greatest prize
in municipal life. We fear the Chairman-
ship is like London grea'ly over-rated.
The Novoe Vrt'iiii/a considers that
''so Jong as the I'ritish Army consists
of hirelings, so long will its significance,
from a military point of view, be,
as heretofore, very small." Crimean
Veterans, please note.
As a rule, upon marriage, the wife
takes the husband's name, but a certain
cause cclclrc would seem to show that
Mr. CAVENDISH, even before his marriage,
became a .lav.
A SIT.STANTIAL Ei'iTHKT.- The Daily
Chronicle, speaking of Mr. Ai STKN
CHAMBERLAIN, says: "Ponderosity im-
mediately occurs to one as a suitable
adjective to describe him." We sin-
cerely hope that this kind of adjective
will not occur again.
ITXC!!, <>i; THE I.OXDOX CHARIVARI.- M.MH-H is,
A SHORT MEMORY.
Mu. DILI.. "GOOD 1IKAVKXS, .MAX, I CAN'T AFFORD A DOG- THAT SIZE!"
RIGHT HUN. \V. Si. .l-ns I'.K-DIH-K. "\YKLL, GUVNOR, NOT SO LONG AGO, WHEN THERE WAS
l',n;<;i.Ai;S ABOUT, 100 \V.\S IX srcil A BLOOMIN' Fl'XK YOU SAIL) AS YOU COULDN'T
'AYK A DA\V(i l!l(i KXorcil, AXL) DIDN'T CAKK WIIA'I' YOU PAID FOR 'IM ! "
MARCH 18, 1003.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON C1IAIM VAIM.
193
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
K.MH.VcrKI) fli"M TIIK UlAHV OK ToIlT, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, March it.
Although of alilerinaiiie race there is
nothing in the ap|X'arance of Sir EDWIN
Oruxixti-LAWKExvE, Hurt., suggestive of
Mr. Pickwick's acquaintance the Fat
/Joi/. Nevertheless, in capacity for
making the llesh creep, he ruus that im-
mortal youth uncommonly close. Long
time sinr.- House so startled as at his
:I])]H ai-aiiee this afternoon. Prayers just
over; Members risen from their knees
with chastened spirit, at peace with all
men. The Irish landlord looked with
softened glance across the floor at a
quarter, for obvious reason empty at
the moment, where representatives of
Irish tenants sit. Millennium was at
hand. He (the landlord) is to receive
full value for his property ; the tenant
is to pay twenty per cent, less than its
market price, and the British taxpayer
will, out of his sorely drained pocket,
supply the difference.
Pleased reflection on this prospect
broken in upon by the voice of Sir
KDWIK Dtj'KMNO-LAWHENCE, Bart. "Mr.
SPEAKER, Sir," he said, in voice choking
with emotion and his just uttered
" Amen," " I wish to call your attention
to an ungentlemanly act performed this
morning by a Member of this House."
Hon. gentlemen on both sides huddled
together as sheep do in anticipation of
a storm. What could have happened ?
Was it possible there had been intro-
duced into the Commons House of
Parliament the polished manners, the
playful ways, of the Grenadier Guards?
Had the Member for the stainless
Borough of Truro, entering the House,
bent on performance of his public duty,
been waylaid, carried off to Committee
Room No. 15, tried by a hybrid Com-
"Siiii and brother of many akin mm.'
(Sir Ediv-n D-rn-ng-I-wr-nce.)
" I.'tHL DU MAilRE."
(After the lithograph by Raffet.)
mittee, sentenced to punishment, and
Heaven forfend ! whacked ?
Only the SPEAKER preserved unruffled
composure. Going straight to point he
said, " The hon. Member had better
state what is the act he complains of."
Members, their suspicions aroused,
curiously watched the son and brother
of many aldermen, as on the interposi-
tion of the SPEAKER lie resumed his seat.
They observed that the action was per-
fectly unrestrained, indicating absence
of personal inconvenience. That seemed
to dispose of the ragging theory. What
else could it be?
Sir EDWIX with alacrity rose to explain.
Coming down in good time for prayers
he discovered, set in the brass sockets
of the very bunch below the Gangway
to which his habitual presence lends
distinction, cards bearing the names of
two middle-aged young gentlemen who
of late have spoken disrespectfully of the
Secretary of State for War, and disclosed
other indications of mutinous spirit
towards a Government which enjoys
the full confidence of Sir EDWIN DURNING-
LAWRENCE, Bart. The proceeding was
incontestably irregular. With an eye
to the spiritual welfare of hon. Members,
decree was long ago made that, in order
to secure a particular seat, the claimant
must be present through the devotional
exercise that daily precedes attention to
mundane affairs. The two gentlemen
whose names were on the cards had
certainly not been present at prayers,
and, but for the eagle eye of Sir EDWIN
DuRXIsc-L.vwitKXiT., l!art., would have
profited by their iniquitous proceeding
191
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 18, 1903.
and secured an advantageous kopje from
which they could fire on the riddled
figure of the English CARNOT on the
Treasury Bench.
This was very shocking. But, coining
close upon exhilarating anticipation
hinted at, it partook of the character
and effect of an anti-climax. No one
was hung, and Sir EDWIN DURNING-
LA WHENCE, Bart., subsided.
Business done. Army Estimates on.
More sniping at the Treasury Bench
from below the Gangway.
Tuesday night. There may be bold
difference of opinion as to merits of
CANNOT NAPOLEON ST. JOHN BRODRICK'S
Army Corps plan. There is none as to
the service he has, undesignedly, done
his party and the House of Commons
by discovery of budding genius below
Gangway on Ministerial side. This
afternoon IVOR GUEST emerged from
obscurity ; moved reduction of vote for
men in speech of conspicuous debating
ability. Evidently prepared with care.
After an illustrious example, cherished
in the New Forest, he brought down
series of impromptus fairly written out
on irresponsive foolscap. These were
deftly constructed, highly-polished. But
not least effective passages were in reply
to speech just delivered by Secretary of
State. Practically, if not actually, this
was a maiden speech. It instantly
made its mark. Old stagers recognised
in it here and there touches of a
vanished hand, the sound of a voice
that is still. RANDOLPH CHURCHILL is now
worthily represented in the House he
loved by two kinsmen, son WINSTON and
nephew IVOR. Afterto-day's disclosurethe
latter will always be a welcome GUEST.
Another excellent speech on same
side by another new man. EvANS-
GORDOS may have spoken before ; either
didn't hear him or he left no impression
on my mind. In seconding amendment
to-day he delivered weighty speech.
His testimony, based on long official
experience in India, as to grip England
has got on that part of the Empire,
created deep impression. Is worth close
study at home and abroad.
Speech none the less effective for its
almost tearful disclaimer of personal
feeling against the Organiser of Victory.
Standing immediately behind Treasury
Bench, on which a martial figure reclined,
tears from the emotional Major's trem-
bling eyes were in danger of falling on
CARNOT'S crest. By mighty effort he
dammed their source.
BusincsH dune.- Young men below
Gangway, sword in hand, fall afresh on
hapless War Secretary, who, single-
handed, pluckily confronts them.
Friday nifjht. Very few Members of
present House were here when AUSTEN
HENRY LAYARD sat in it, first as repre-
sentative of Aylesbury, next as Member
A Long-Range Shot at Lord Methucn.
(From the Press Gallery to the Peers'.)
for South wark. The years fell between
1852 and 18(59. He 'was, on Mr. G.'s
initiative, at latter date named Minister
at Madrid, and commenced a menu mi hie
diplomatic career that terminated in
turmoil and Constantinople. In the
first, not least interesting chapter of his
autobiography, just published by JOHN
MURRAY, LAYAHK writes of himself when
a small school-boy, " I was very idle,
self-willed, and troublesome."
Got over his idleness, but self-willed
and troublesome he was to the last.
Ready to quarrel with anybody, Provi-
dence by special favour placed him in
The "Brodder" or India-rubber Pimching-Ball
for Rising .Statesmen.
No amount of pounding makes the faintest
impression.
the same Ministry as AYRTON. Rumoured
that in respect of two individualities,
brotherly love didn't continue through-
out Lord ROSEBEKY'S brief administra-
tion. Nothing to the daily scenes in
Ah-. ( l.'s Government of 1868, in which
AYIMON \\-ns financial Secretary to the
Treasury, and LAYARD First Commissioner
of Works. ARTIII T: OTWAY, whose reap-
pearance in whatever capacity old
Members warmly greet, contributes to
the two handsome volumes a chapter
(le.-eril)ing the Parliamentary life of
LAYARD, with which his own was con-
temporary. The First Commissioner of
\\urks, he records, gratefully accepted
the offer of Madrid. But the bitter
drop in his cup, spoiling its sweet
savour, was the news that AYRTON had
been promoted to his vacant office.
Through a long career, chequered by
many troubles, probably the severest
trial Mr. G. survived was companionship
in administr;> ive office of LAYARD and
AYRTON. Two terriers, each remember-
ing how upon occasion the other had
bitten him in a tender place, are
peaceful neighbours compared with
these self-willed, truculent gentry.
The last we heard in the Commons of
LAYAHD was on a memorable night in
February, 1878. He was at the time
Minister at Constantinople; naturally
took to aping STRATFORD DE KF.IJCUFFE'S
masterful ways. House had gathered
lo consider Vote of Credil which DIZZY
Haunted in the face of the CZAR. FOUSTER,
on the Front Opposition Bench, had
given notice of amendment. Before he
rose in crowded House, breathless with
excitement, apparently on eve of colossal
war, came a telegram from LAYARD
announcing that in spite of armistice
the Russians were pushing on to Con-
stantinople, had driven Turks from
important lines of defence.
" Our Ambassador to the Porte," said
JOHN BRKJIIT, who knew- his LAYARD,
"has been alarmed several time-."
The sneer was swiftly justified. Even
whilst BRICIIT spoke there reached
STAFFORD NORTIKOIK on the Treasury
Bench a communication from Russian
Ambassador absolutely denying accuracy
of LAYARH'S statement. The contradic-
tion was fully verified by facts.
Turned over pages to see what LAYARD
had to say on this dramatic incident.
But story terminates in 1809, on eve
of his departure for Madrid. We are
half-promised the rest in due course;
shall look for fulfilment. Can scarcely
have too much in the way of personal
record of this many-sided man, Mem-
ber of Parliament, Ambassador, artist,
traveller, who discovered the remains
of Nineveh, and made mincemeat of
every man (except AYRTON) who vexed
his soul. Business done. Debate round
Church Discipline Bill.
MARCH 18, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CII.MMX AIM.
195
THE CAPPING QUESTION IN THE SHIRES.
Triiilx uf a. limit .Si'i->v(<iri/.
196
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 18, 1903.
LIGHT COMEDY FOR AN AUDIENCE IN THE DARK.
BRIGHTLY written is the true comedy dialogue that
characterises the latest work for the stage of Mr. HENRY
ARTHUR JONES, entitled Whitewashing Julia. The individu-
alities of the thoroughly natural types with which lie pre-
S^ntsus in his dramatis pcrsonce are clearly defined, and the
scenes are h ighly amusing. The comedy is excellently played
by Miss VIOLET VANBRUGII as Julia Wren, to whose name in the
hill is prefixed neither "Miss" nor "Mrs.''; by Mr. ARTHUR
BOURCBIEK as Mr. \\"tlli(iin i^i'ill'i iujtti't't , "the wicked uncle ; "
by Miss M. TALBOT as Lac/// Pinkney, the wicked uncle's
sister ; and by Mr. CHARLES GROVE.-! in the geniul part of
Mr. Samways, " the Shanctonbury Lawyer."
! But, delightfully amusing as are these brightly-written
and well-played scenes in quick succession, the comedy
labours under one great misfortune and one hopeless fault.
Its misfortune is to have been called by a title so unat-
tractive as Whitewashing Julia. This ill-chosen title is
misleading as being contrary to fact, since Julia, a lady
"with a past," never is whitewashed, nor is there any such
operation in process at any time during the play. Her own
lawyer, Mr. Samways, would like to be able to whitewash
her, which is quite another thing ; but he cannot ; nor can
anybody else. So much for the " misfortune." Its " fault "
is irretrievable, since it is the essential one of its construc-
tion. A secret there is, and from the very first the audience
should be in possession of it ; the whole plot turns on it.
Yet at the end of the play neither dramatis persona}, nor
audience, are one whit the wiser as to what that secret is !
The play ought to have commenced with a prologue
giving that one incident in the life of Julia which, if subse-
quently it had become public property, would have ruined
her reputation. Lacking such a prologue, the audience
applaud players and dialogue, but depart unsatisfied.
Mr. SAM SOTHERN and Mr. KENNETH DOUGLAS represent the
two brothers, the Hon. Edwin and Ron. Bevis Pinkney, who,
the one a silly prodigal and the other a sententious hypo-
crite, are watered-down-to-date versions of Charles and
Joseph Surface ; and both parts are remarkably well ren-
dered.
Miss ETHELWYN A. JONES is a spirited Trixie, a quick-
tempered, untrained girl, though her colouring of it is a
trifle too high, as is also her tone. As the low adventuress,
Mrs. Benbow, without a single redeeming point, Miss DOLORES
DRUMMOND plays the character for all it is dramatically (not
morally) worth ; and this is equally true of Miss ELFRIDA
CLEMENT, representing her daughter llosie.
There is a novel and capitally-contrived effect of a hail-
storm, first pelting, then dropping, and gradually ceasing,
on the overhead canvas of the " common or garden" tent
in the First Act. Realistic to a degree. Not a drop too
much ! Just enough for two, ARTHUR BOURCHIER and Miss
VANBRUGU. In the sudden violence and gradual cessation of
this tempest we seem to hear symbolised that other storm
that raged for a while between the Garrick Theatre and
Printing House Square, concerning which Our Dramatic
Poet sends the following vivid description, which he terms
THE DARING OF JONES.
INSPIRE me, Muse, to tell in awe-struck tones
The tangled tale of HENRY ARTHUR JONES ;
Of HENRY ARTHUR JONES and ARTHUR BOURCHIER
No faint-heart he, no common suppliant croucher !
Inspire me, Muse, and guide my pen aright,
Nor let me deal in persiflage or spite,
Or use such words as rack the tender bones
And pierce the heart of HENRY ARTHUR JONES.
If he resents, as men may do and live,
The pain a critic's sentences can give ;
If, when he sees his play described as " rosse,"
His being shivers with a sense of loss ;
If Monte Carlo, when referred to, wrings
His mind with all the wantonness of things
11 praise, in short, offends him less than blame,
WALKLF.Y'S the fault, and WALKLEY \s bo the shame.
It was a night in March and, well content,
Off to the Garrick Theatre WALKLEY went.
He was a critic, but ho looked a man
ISiiilt on the ordinary human plan.
His hat, was sleek, its brims were duly arched ;
His collar and his shirt were stillly starched ;
White was his tie, and swallow-tailed and black
The trim dress-coat he bore upon his back ;
His shoes were patent, and his silken socks
Were marked and flanked by decorative clocks ;
Trousers he had, a waistcoat and a chain ;
An overcoat protected him from rain ;
Next add a face, a mind most analytic,
Two hands, three studs and there you have the critic.
Briskly he walked and, as he went along,
Whistled a stave, like one who thinks no wrong,
And trolled a snatch of some remembered song.
Unwarned of all the dangers that ho dared,
His mind was calm, his pencil was prepared ;
Thoughtless of BOURCHIER, who controlled the show,
Careless of HENRY ARTHUR JONES, his foe,
Without a fear, unconscious of a sin,
Straight to his doom he passed and so went in.
But " Hist ! he comes ! " ('twas BOURCHIER gave the word,
And from their lurking-place his minions heard),
" Now do your duty ; let him hear our fiat,
And bid him go in peace and leave us quiet.
Thus JONES has ordered ; JONES, who wrote the play,
Prefers that WALKLEY should be sent away ;
But, lest we play the low-born dastard's part
And quite forget the decencies of Art,
Take him, to mitigate his dreadful doom,
Take him," said BOURCIIIER, " to the ROYAL ROOM;
There, on the floor that Royal feet have graced,
Bid him be off with all convenient haste."
So said, so done. The public heard the stoiy,
And cared no jot for all this wounded glory ;
With noted names, in fact, they made too free,
Thinking what fools these playhouse mortals be,
And saying, lastly, in their boredom, "Bother!
We 're sickVand tired of this dramatic pother."
Lenten Discipline.
Aunt (to small niece and smaller nephew). Can't you two
children give up some little pleasure before Lent is over?
Nepheio. Well, MOLLIE'S going to give up teasing me, and
I 'm going to give up hitting her when she does.
Suggested Reforms at the Zoo.
(1) That the Tapir be lighted up after dark.
(2) That most of the Monkeys be sent to the furriers for
repairs.
(3) That a cheap book of etiquette be placed in their cage.
(J) That dress improvers be provided for the Llama and
the Kiwi.
(5) That the Blotched Genet be put on the Black List.
(G) That the Dusty Ichneumon be swept.
SlIAKSPEARIAN ADVICE (AND WlI.LIAM WAS AN OlD HAND) TO
ACTOR-MANAGERS. "Dally not with the gods." Taming of
tin- (S/i/vro, Act IV., Sc. 4.
SQUARING THE CIRCLE. "Flat feeling all round" (Stock
Exchange Intelligence).
MARCH 18, 1903.]
ITXC!!, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAIM.
l'J7
T1IK BACILLUS OF LOVK.
"Some eminent |iri>fess,irs in I'aris liave
diseovered that, hive is a liarilhiH, and a well-
known speeiali-t declares 'I hat love is .....
mO8l d:m<_'erous inherilanees fniin tin- dark
a^'es, DIM' that has heen kept alive and io-teied
I iy polite literature. ll should lie under eon-
tlol i if a Hoard of Health that jio-,s,.-,,rd fid]
poliiv authority, and should only he dispensed
\\ilh I he greatest care after the manner nf .1
['"]
SCKSK Tlie Low Department o) the
I'm, i r<l of Hi'ulili. It is arranged
iil'li'i- III/' manner of it i-lii'in'iKl'x
N//II/), mid i.s- KiifH-rvised by an
/c/7// iji'iiili'iiniii irith a benevolent
iini/ ii Homeirhat
inn nni'i'.
Kntrr MAKY .IENKISS, a servant. She
i-o/intH mil .s-i.r i-ii/i/icrs and bangs
tlii'in mi, tin' roinili'i:
Official (beaming tlinmi/li Iti* ;//.s.scs
like a ritll ii'n ;/ lamp). Yes, and what
can we do for you ?
Muri/ (unabashed). BLcpenaoPtli o'
them microbes like Misses 'as. My
yiuniLT man scs as 'ow 'e 's sick of the
friendly 'ow-d'ye-do, and wants to get
on willi llic " bnriiin' glow o' passion "
like they do in the books.
Ofiifin/ (ijnireh/i. I am afraid you-
must bring a certillcale from the
rector saying that you are (it to be
trusted with the "Passionate Glo\v."
You sec last week we sold hnlf-a-crown's
worth to an elderly statesman, and
tinder its exciting influence he well,
he babbled, and there may be a com-
plication. I can, however, let you have
some of our "Brotherly Love " or
" Sincere Friendship" put up in bottles.
\Ve are selling a lot just now.
\ltirii (replacing the eii/i/iei:* In her
OKI-*, '). 1 don't think that 'd do for .Ini,
Sir, so we'll 'ave to do the best we can
without. [Exit.
[Official retires to Ilie 'in HIT room un<l
Clifl.ttlif Hi-rand 1'niy. irlio /.s- tni/niii
in'tli tin- I'nl of a jnr ln/x'lled ''The
l>mrn of Loot." Tin' iloor-beU
rings. Enter PKHOY. He is juxl
" I'I.KCV " of tin miix'n-nl eomediee.
He iv//w on llti' ciiii ntci- ; the Official
hurries forward,
7'rro/. 1 want a large Ijox of "Love
at First, Sight." The strongest yon 've
got what? And how do you use the
dashed things- eh ''.
Official (rapidly repeating formula}.
Open the box in room or place where is
the object of the affections, or adminis-
ter a spoonful secretly, and the recipro-
city will be instantaneous. Name and
address, please, and state whether affec-
tions have been previously engaged.
Only twice? (Iliunln paper.) Set. forth
the time, date, and address in Schedule
A., and sign your name here, please.
That will be seveu-and-six.
Percy (after scrawling his ngnatwre).
Suppose you
couldn't semi the
l.ox round with
my compliments
what ? Save such
a lot of trouble,
you know, ell ?
nrt!i'ii;l. Wedon't
ad\ ise that course.
\\"e did snid the
ollice boy on a simi-
lar errand once, and
the result wasdisas-
t roils. lie incau-
tiously opened the
box in a 'bus. and
for weeks the otlice
was visited by an
elderly lady who
declared that she
was '' haunted by
his sweet face day
and night, and she
would never rest
till he was hers !
I'erry. I say, that
was deuced awk-
ward what?
Official. Yes, it
was really most
awkward ; and we
ha<l to call in our
amatory ex]x>rt. I
must say he dealt
with the case in a
masterly manner.
He advised a
spoonful of an
"Inexplicable
Aversion " mixture
in a cup of tea, and
in five minutes the ~
aged one had boxed the errand boy's
ears and quitted the shop. The
husband came next day and said that
things were very wrong at home, and
he would like a ten-shilling Ixittle of
" Wifely Love " for domestic purposes.
(Musingly) After all, the Department
did very well out of that case. I beg
your pardon, Sir, your change. Thank
you, good morning.
Percy (as he takes his parcel and
exits). Old boy can chatter. Suppose
he 's been through this sort of thing
and is weather-proof. Hope this 'II
come off all
doesn't.
[/7i the Department business is quiet
during the luncheon hour. A small
boy tries to purchase a box of
" Slncerest Devotion," and
He.
Site.
IT?"
LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES.
SCENE At on Art Exhibition.
'WELL, now DO YOU LIKE BROWN'S PICTURE?"
' THAT ONE ? WHY, I THOUGHT IT WAS YOUBS ! VEBY BAD, ISN'T
right. Jolly beastly if it
tevenly
Official.
is
cross-examined by the
Upon being told that it is
to be used in connection with a
head-master's elder daughter the
iifl'lieiiliim is refused, and there is
iini'llier broken heart in the icorld.
The Official (niHirers tiro or three
letters, and addresses several her-
metlcally sealed boxes to well-known
actors and poets. He then puts on
a b>-oad-brlmmed hat and flowing
cape-coat, to live up to his office,
and goes out to lunch. He unwisely
and against the regulations
leaves the Department in charge of
the Errand Boy. Ten minutes later
enter a Young Lady. She would
look upon twenty-three as old age,
and is street and delightful from
hat to shoe.
The Ei~rand Boy (In weak imitation
of the Platonic Chief). And what can
we do for you, Miss?
Young Lady (blushing and speaking
in a pretty whisper). I want a box a
small box of those things that you use
when you want to let anyone feel that
they arc that they may hope.
I'ln-and Boy (cheerfully). Oh, you
want a box of the " Come to my Arms "
brand.
Young Lady (eagerly). Oh, not quite
so strong as that, please. Something
more reserved, but sometliing that will
make PERCY will make people under-
stand.
193
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 18, 1903.
THE
SOME MORE INNOVATIONS.
Errand Boy. Right !
[Pleasantly wraps up a box of the
strongest brand in the Department.
To intimates and experts it is
known as the " Keep off the Grass "
brand. The Young Lady accepts it
gratefully and exits.
[The Errand Boy whistles cheerfully,
and, unconscious of having done
mischief, plunges into the thrills of
" Blood-Stained Bill ; or, the Terror
of Clapham Common." Enter
Mr. JACOB DRYSDALE, a distinctly
country solicitor. He is middle-
aged and shorl-sighted, carries /(is
coppers in a purse, and wears thick
clumping boots.
The Solicitor. Have I the pleasure of
addressing the head of the Love Depart-
ment ?
Errand Boy (proudly). That 's me.
The Solicitor. Really ! Well, let me
state my case briefly and succinctly. I
am, alas ! a widower. I think there is
One who returns my passion, but I am
doubtful.
The Errand Boy. Ah, we 've 'ad them
sort of cases 'ere before.
The Solicitor. She is no longer young,
nor would I approach her in the boiste-
rous manner of youth. I would therefore
purchase something that might enable
me to convey my devotion in a straight-
forward and simple manner without
the necessity of florid embellishments.
Am I understood, my young friend ?
The Errand Boy (anxious to return
to "Blood-Stained Bill"). Cert'nly,
Guvnor, 'ere y' are.
[Hands him a box containing the
"Romeo and Juliet" brand, whicli
shoidd only be sold on the strength
of a certificate signed by three
Bishops and a Master in Lunacy.
The Solicitor exits, and the Errand
Boy returns to see what the Bandit
does with the bus.
Mary Jenkins (re-entering). 'Ere 's my
certificate, young man, and now I '11 'ave
sixpenn'orth of that " Passionate Glow."
The Errand Boy (without looking up).
Right ! [Hands her the nearest box
and puts the coppers in the till.
[Exit MARY beamingly. Within a few
seconds the door is opened hurriedly.
Enter the Platonic-looking Official
excitedly, with the benevolent beard
ruffled and in a terrible state of
confusion.
Official. EDWARD, have you served
any customers since I 've been away ?
Tlie Errand Boy (startled). Yea, Sir,
two or three.
Official (ivildly). Was there an elderly
gentleman amongst the lot ?
The Errand Boy. Yes, Sir.
Official (collapsing into a chair).
I thought so. I thought so. I saw an
elderly idiot outside being asked by the
apple-woman to fly with her. What
did you sell him ? You don't know ?
Well, whatever it was he opened it
before the time, and (rushing to the
door) there he goes, the police have got
both ! Oh my, there '11 be trouble over
this. Put up the shutters. I 'm going
home, and you 'd better take your money
and not come back. Oh, this is awful !
[Retires to inner room and writes out
his resignation, while the Errand
Boy mournfully puts up the shutters
and wonders what "Blood-stained
Bill " would have done under the
circumstances. (Curtain.)
M.uicn :.';">, 1903.]
OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
199
AT THE WATER JUMP.
Voice from tfie Crowd. " TAKE 'IM 'OUE, CATTIM. 'E 'a GOT 'TDBOPHODIA ! "
THE COMPLETE INSPECTOR.
[A resolution was recently carried by the Ayr
School Hoard to mi'iimri.ilie the Education
Detriment "not to send the same inspector
as the last, because neither the teachers nor
the children could understand him." The
accusation was summed up by one member,
who said " he talked most beautiful English."]
MR. PCSCII lias great pleasure in
coining to the assistance of a harassed
Department, and thinks that the diffi-
culty would he met by means of a
n'ni )(),( examination to be passed l>y
all candidates for inspectorships. The
specimen subjoined is of course liable
to modification, as local exigencies may
demand an Irish accent for Ireland, a
Welsh accent for Wales, suggest them-
selves. Three examiners should prove
sufficient, and one of them might with
advantage be conversant with the dia-
lect.
First Examiner (to entering candi-
date). Good day, .Mr. JONES. Pray be
seat, I. Will y im have the goodness t >
answer our questions in the Scottish
dialect ?
Mr. Jones (who has crammed in the
kailyard school for a month). Ou ay.
Second Examiner. How would you say
" attention " to the children if necessary ?
Mr. Jones (puzzled and doubtful).
Hoots ? (corrects himself hastily]
a'weel.
Second Examiner (apparently satis-
fied). Let us now hear you put a few
questions to them.
Mr. Jones (timidly). Aiblins, bairns,
ah'm thinkin' ye '11 no ken wha was
WULLIE WALLACE.
Third Examiner (encouragingly).
Very good, Mr. JONES. Pray proceed.
Mr. Jones. Hoots, gin a body gie ye
sax bawbees, an' ye spen twa in a
puckle sweeties an twa in bannocks,
an' gin ye len ane (with (/rowing con-
fidence) tho" yon 'a no juist to be
recommended, ah'm speirin' hoo many '11
ye hae left forbye ?
First Examiner. Excellent. (To his
They will be able to under-
stand that, I think. (They nod approval.)
A little more, if you please.
Mr. Jones. A'weel, bairns, in the
kintra o' Egypt there '11 be a reever
that aince iccan year rins in spate by a
proveesion o' nature for the grawiii o'
the parritch. Hoo ca' ye yon ?
Third Examiner. A few words of
valediction to the master, Mr. JONES, if
you please.
Mr. Jones (gathering himself toyetJier
for a great effort). Hoots, dominie,
ye 've a wheen sumphs amang them,
forbye aiblins ah'm no sayin' they 're
sae ill-spellers, an' no a'thegither wi'oot
understaunin'. The deescipline is no
that ill. Ah'm thinkin' ye '11 hae to be
biggin a new stair ; yon's gey an'
rotten. A'weel ah maun be gangin".
[The Examiners confer in low tones.
First Examiner (putting the final
decisive question). What, Mr. JONES, is
a ahem ! fush ?
Mr. Jones (triumphantly). It '11 be a
sawmon, ah'm thinkin'.
[He retin:t tritlt nil honour and success.
VOL. CM1V.
200
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 25, 1903.
THE FLOWING TIDE.
FILL up the ruby bumper with crusted old Cinque Port !
Fling wide, Rye, your nostrils in one delirious snort !
Exude, ye Romney Marshes, your world-renowned sloe gin !
The Tory hold is shattered, and HUTCHINSON is in !
Time was within your harbour our merchant fleets would lie
Until the adjacent ocean withdrew and left you dry ;
But lo ! a Liberal seaquake renews your fallen pride,
And round your roofs the galleons sweep with the swelling
tide.
What though that surge of waters which nothing now can
staunch
Last month escaped our notice \\pou a Chatham branch,
To-day in hall and hovel, palace and barn and club,
They freely name your hamlet the Universe's hub !
The philosophic Premier, turning a deathly tint,
On this occasion only perused the evening print ;
While BRODRICK, famed in crises for military tact,
Sent and invited ROBERTS to read the Riot Act.
Men saw in JOSEPH'S window the light of battle leap ;
'Twas said the Duke distinctly stirred in his beauty sleep ;
And LONG, with less complacence than usual in his eye,
Threw off a tearful stanza of Muddlin' through the Rye.
Nor was the feeling local ; all earth sustained a shock ;
Wall-Street at once recorded a slump in Monroe stock ;
And ABDCL, swiftly fearing the weight of England's hand,
Composed polite trades for Aden's Hinterland.
The ribald throats of Europe grew on the instant dumb ;
They felt the hmir of England's efficiency had come :
And WILHELM K., insisting that Heaven should do its part,
Ordered the German nation to have his Creed by heart.
So through the trembling peoples the fame of Rye is blown,
Of Rye by whom the rotters were met and overthrown ;
And March is made their symbol, that month of windy shams,
Since they who came like lions are skipping out like lambs.
And when the tale of Empire is told in times to be,
And infants lisp the record of those who ruled the sea,
Heading the string of heroes whose names refuse to die,
They '11 bracket WILL of Woolwich with HDTCHINSON of Rye.
0. S.
PASHLEY'S OPINIONS.
Xo. I.
WIIEN T I was a lad we lived at Peckham, and my old Pad
used to give me no end of talks about getting on in the
world . He wasn't a bad old fellow in his way, though lie did
start as a dissenter and had done a good deal in the praying
line before he made a bit of money in the hardware business.
Soon after that, of course, he dropped Chapel-going, and
when we moved into the new place at Peckham, we were all
Church folk, and quite as good at the game as any of the
older hands. Before this, too, we had l^een a Radical family,
strong for reform and the ballot and free trade and all that
sort of mouldy old nonsense, but there was a bit of a quarrel
at one of the elections, all about somebody getting a job that
father ought to have had if there hadn't been corrupt
influence at work, and father began to see things in their
true light. Mother and he were invited to a garden party
at Plantageuet Lodge, the Conservative candidate's place,
soon afterwards, and he told Lord COPLEHCRST how things
were, and how he had got to think that the prosperity of
the country was bound up in resistance to reckless and ill-
considered legislation. Those were his words. I 've often
heard him tell the story, and how Lord C. talked to him
for quite five minutes, though there were lots of people
about waiting to get in a word, and had assured him that
those were the kind of sentiments which had made the
British Empire what it was.
Well, to return to what father used to say to me :
" JOSHUA," he used to begin, "you mark my words: it's
vulgar people that always go wrong. H you want to make
your mark in the world it 's no use being vulgar. Look at
poor old HUNNIBALL. He 's got plenty of money, and he gets
his name into one or two good subscription lists, but there
lie stops. The nobs won't have anything to do with him,
and he '11 be nothing but a grocer all his life. The reason
is, he 's vulgar much too familiar and free-and-easy with his
betters, and, of course, they won't stand it." And so he
would run on. I often think of it now that he's gone,
and wonder where he got all his ideas from. I remember
after one of these talks meeting old HUSXIBALL on the top of
a bus : " Halloa, young 'un," he shouted, " how are shovels
and tongs going ? Pretty brisk, eh ? " I. thought the
allusion most indelicate, but I couldn't stop him. " Look
here, my boy," he went on, " I haven't seen your father
lately. You tell him, with my compliments old TOM
HumnBAIi's compliments, remember that I 've got a lot of
prime Stiltons just in, and if he likes to come round he's
welcome to take one away with him but he 's got to come
round himself, mind you."
I didn't know which way to look, for there was a girl on
the next seat sniggering in a very silly way, with a dirty
bit of handkerchief in her hand, and looking at me every
now and then with her mouth made up to say Stilton. But
there you are ; that was HUKXIBALL all over.
The whole thing came back to me the other day when 1
was in one of the Tube lifts. There were three of us in it,
liOUERSON, PI.UMLEY and myself. We had been dining with
the Lampblackers' Company at one of their big dinners,
and very well they 'd done us too. PuntLEt's due for Prime
Warden next year, so he made sure of getting the pick of
everything that was going. Well, we waited a longish time
in the lift with the gates open, and the lift -man playing with
a toothpick outside. I said to PLUMLEY, " Some chaps get
easy jobs, don't they ? Lifts don't take much working, and
going tip and down free gratis all day don't want much
muscle, especially if you 're waiting outside half the time."
I meant to be sarcastic, for I was tired of waiting. The
man said nothing, but he gave me a look which showed I 'd
got home, and directly afterwards he came in and began to
close the gates. While he was doing this and starting us
he kept talking to himself. I heard him say plainly:
"'Go's got a face like a suet pudden'?" he said. "I
wonder where ole Suet-face 'as bin 'avin' 'is bit o' toast an'
water ? "
I couldn't let this pass, so I took him Tip at once.
''Were you addressing those remarks tome?" Tasked
quite calmly.
" Well, no, I wasn't," he answered, "I was talkin' to the
ole cat we keep 'alf way down the shaft but now I. come to
look at you, I 'm blessed if there isn't somethink about your
cheeks- -
" Don't give me any of your cheek," I said as quick as
lightning, "or I '11 report you."
" Iteport away," said the fellow, "and tell 'em you met a
chap as knew a suet face when he saw it. Xow then, 'urry
up, or you '11 never get to Hanwell to-night."
And with that he slammed open the gates and let us out.
ROGEHSON, I 'm sorry to say, was laughing, and so was
PLUMLEY. I asked them how they could encourage the man
in his vulgar insolence, and Ptt MLEY said I began it. I 'm
sorry for the Lampblackers when he comes to be Prime
Warden.
XCII. OK TIIK LoXMoN CMAKIVAKI.- M.\nni iT>, 1903.
HIS CHEF-D'(EUVRE.
(For tlie Westminster Royal Academy.)
MR. G-RGE W-.VDH-M. " ' THE CONTENTED IRISHMAN ' ! IT 'S A GOOD SUBJECT BEST THING
I 'VE DONE. IF THIS ISN'T ACCEPTED, WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY DO WANT ! "
MARCH 25, 1903.]
1TNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
203
THE EVOLUTION OF FATNESS.
[Dr. ROBINSON, in the Xorth American 7?r-
riie, asks, " \Vliy should habit's lie f:ii, "l><n
the ohildrcn of t'heir pithecoid nnn-st. i
have been lean? . . .The suicidal iwallowing
capacity of the modern l>:iliy is an inheritance
from the habits of the crawling ravr-d\veller."j
" BABY boy, whose visage chubby
Doting mother marxvls at,
Full of health, albeit grubby
Why are you so fat ?
" How unlike your rudo forefather
Prehistoric, pithecoid !
Who with nuts he chanced to gather
Filled his aching void ;
" Who, whenever hunger goaded,
Ate to please the passing mood,
Nor his stomach overloaded
With some patent food.
" No ! but later generations
Come, in which the infant staves
Hunger off by dint of rations
Picked up in the caves.
"Holding future meals in question,
Grasping all with eager fist,
To the mill of his digestion
Everything is grist.
" Consequently, you, who follow
Him in lack of self-control,
With atavic impulse swallow
Dirt, and pins and coal."
Thus, with sage pedantic chucklings,
Watching each unwholesome bite,
Science from the mouth of sucklings
Still receives new light.
R. S. V. P.
To THEATRE-LOVERS.
A PAPER on " The Discomforts of Play-
going " is to be read to the members of
the 0. P. Club on the 29th inst. We
suggest a few sub-headings in the form
of queries :
Ought the private boxes, with their
present slantwise or bird's-eye view of
about half the stage, to be abolished, or
should they frankly and squarely face
the audience, so that their occupants
could be adequately inspected by each
possessor of an opera-glass ?
Should the space now allotted to the
stalls be reduced by yet another inch,
so that the seat-holders would be
wedged into a solid mass, and any
going out between the Acts for a smoke
and a drink would thus be rendered
impossible ?
Should late arrivals to the more
fashionable parts of the house be
accommodated with Standing Iloom
Only at the back of the gallery ?
1 Should parties who, through the
incapability of the architect, the opacity
of the persons in front of them, or the
exuberance of feminine head-gear, are
able to see only 1 or 2 per cent, of the
SOMETHING NEW.
Young Aaa. "Aw I'M BORED TO DEATH WITH LIFE!"
Site. " WHY DON'T TOD DO SOKETHINO?"
Young Aaa. " Aw THERE 'a NOTHING WORTH DOKQ THAT I HAVEN'T TRIED."
She. "ISN'T THERE? THERE MUST BE. Tsr AND THIXK."
show, l)e charged pro raid, and not the
full price of the seat ?
Ought the gods to be regarded as
the sole arbiters of the fate of a play ;
and does critical infallibility vary in-
versely with the cost of admission ?
Would there be less discomfort if
critics wrote the play, while authors
managed the theatre and managers
composed the criticisms ?
Is any play that was ever written
worth the inconvenience and unpleasant-
ness of waiting one or more hours in a
queue, being marshalled like school-
children by policemen, fainted against
by -faded females, and exasperated by
itinerant banjo-men?
And lastly, are any of the discomforts
of playgoing surpassed by that of
having to sit out a bad production ?
204
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 25, 1903.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
THE success of his first volume of Froissart's Modern
Chronicles (FISHER UNWIN) naturally induces F. C. G. to give
us more. If possible, perhaps because the effect is more im-
mediate, the Chronicles of 1902 excel in delight those of 1901.
There is the same humour, point and appositeness in their
portrayal of current events. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, as usual, is
irresistible to the facile pencil. He has an added attraction
in the coming to the front of son AUSTEN, whom F. C. G.
promises to make as familiar to the Man-in-the-Street as is
his illustrious father. There are delightful sketches in
which Lord EOSEBERY, C.-B., Lord SALISBURY, the late Arch-
bishop of CANTERBURY, Lord KITCHENER, and other political
personages appear. Not least delightful, and more than
usually pungent, are the two illustrations from Remount
Records. One shows an English squire buying from a wily
Jew scraggy horses for the Army in Africa. In the other
Sir BLUNDELL DE MAPLE protesteth that towel horses would
have better served the Army. It is hard to say which is
the more delicious, the expression on the face of Sir
BLUNDELL, or that conveyed by the towel-horse. My Baronite
is not in a position to speak of the personal likeness of the
portrait of " Sir TOBY BE LUCE, who has great knowledge of
affairs of State." For the rest, beneath a genial mask of
caricature, living likenesses of public men add greatly to the
value of the record.
Mrs. HUGH BELL, according to my Occasional Assistant
Baronite, is a sage lady who moralises as well as SOLOMON
himself. The Minor Moralist (Eowm ARNOLD), written by
her, is a volume not to be read lightly, but to ponder
seriously if it be your wish to acquire "good manners,"
to learn how to conduct yourself rationally when you
reach "middle age," and to "manage your servants" pro-
perly at all times. If you obey such a monitor and guide
to propriety as Mrs. HUGH BELL, you will live long and
honoured in the land. The best of this series of little lay
sermons is the one on the art of how to behave when we
reach what DANTE called the mezzo cammino di nostra vita.
It is not exactly pleasant reading for those whom " the gods
don't love and who dye old," for Mrs. BELL reminds us
only too forcibly of the errors and follies of seeking to
disguise with artificial roses and poudre de Ninon the
ravages of passing years.
Tlie Magazine, of Art (CASSELL & Co.) for March is quite
up to the high standard to which it has been raised by
Mr. M. H. SPIELMANN. Among the many interesting articles,
all charmingly illustrated, in this number, the brief mono-
graph on " Ephraim Lilien," written by SOLOMON J. SOLO-
MON, A.R.A., will offer the greatest attraction to a consider-
able number of readers. The reproduction in colour of a
sketch by BERTRAM HILES, " the armless artist," is excellent,
and the story of his artistic career and triumph over appa-
rently insuperable difficulties is simply and sympathetically
told.
The reader of Letters from a Self-made Merchant to his
Son (METHUEN) will not be surprised to learn that it has
had an enormous sale in the United States, where it first
saw the light. Mr. LORIMER is instinct with that peculiar,
inimitable humour we call American, which finds varying
exposition in the author of the Biglow Papers, MARK TWAIN,
and Mr. DOOLEY. Shrewd insight and common sense abound
on every page, expression being given after the fashion of
the making of proverbs. The trees are so full of plums,
it is impossible to select one and say, " Here is of the finest."
Opening a page at random my Baronite finds written the
following axiom : " It isn't what a man knows, but what
he thinks he knows, that he brags about." When the thing
is said it is obvious, almost to the point of the commonplace.
But no one before Mr. LORIMER compressed the truth in so
small a space with such attractive package. " OLD MORALITY"
died too soon. Had he lived to read this book, which he
would have done with intense pleasure, there would have
been fresh salt and savour in the copybook headings with
which he was wont to admonish the House of Commons.
Martyr, by JOHN STRANGE WINTER (F. V. WHITE & Co.), is
a simple story, thoroughly interesting, and admirably told.
Ars est celare artem. If you may " take the Ghost's word
for a thousand pounds," then for double the money you may
accept that of THE BARON DE BOOK- WORMS.
THE LICENSING MAGISTRATE'S GUIDE AND
PROHIBITIONIST'S MANUAL.
IT is frequently a little difficult for licensing magistrates
to provide themselves with an adequate reason for refusing
any particular licence. We have therefore with infinite care
and research compiled a table of reasonable grounds for
objection which will render the refusal of any licence an
easy matter. The objections may be tabulated under three
headings the Landlord, the Premises, and the Liquor.
THE LANDLORD.
Description.
Is a highly respectable man.
Is a disreputable vagabond.
Runs an air-gun club.
Does not run an air-gun club.
Has a red nose.
Has not a red nose.
Reads HALL CAINE'S novels.
Does not read HALL CAINE'S
novels. *
Gives good measure.
Gives bad measure.
Permits cards and dominoes.
Prohibits cards and dominoes.
Supplies refreshments.
Does not supply refresh-
ments.
Has been convicted of offences
against the licensing laws.
Has not been convicted.
Ground of Objection.
Too good for such a trade.
Unfit for such a responsibility.
Encourages the Jingo spirit.
Is lacking in patriotism.
Is a secret drunkard.
Must be saved from such a
possibility.
Is evidently mad.
Fails to encourage literature.
Are draughty.
Are not draughty.
Have a back door.
Have not a back door.
Are tied to a brewery
Are not tied.
Do a good trade.
Do a poor trade.
Is good.
Is bad.
Is indifferent.
Encourages drinking.
Robs the public.
Is enticing the young and
frivolous to his house.
Has turned his house into a
mere boozing den.
Is setting traps for the
"mealers."
Fails to provide for the public
convenience.
An example must be made.
Obviously a deceptive hypo-
crite.
THE PREMISES.
Public health will suffer.
Lack of adequate ventilation.
Police unable to supervise.
Police deprived of legitimate
refreshment.
Must sell any swill sent them.
Have not the benefit of the
supervision of a respectable
company.
Clearly a drunkard factory.
Evidently not required.
TUB BEER.
A hideous temptation to the
community.
A public danger.
Will never be missed.
MARCH 25, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
205
MR. PUNCH'S SKETCHY INTERVIEWS.
XIII. DR. HANS RICHTER.
AN express train to Mancheste
brought us to our destination just ii
time for the Halle Concert. At th
close of the first part of the programme
a message to the famous conductor
evoked the response that he would be
glad to see us in the artists' room. We
entered, and were cordially greeted by
the genial clief d'orcheatre, who \vas
seated at (lie piano, wearing his good
conduct medal. Dr. RICHTER, we neer
hardly remind our readers, is a man o
massive build, with a full beard,
leonine aspect, and an Olympian glance
The likeness to Jupiter positively leaps
to the eye. Grasping our hand with
powerful grip, lie waved us to a chair
in 5/4 tune, and remarked in a ritmo
m
I at the piano, wearing his good-conduct
medal."
di trc battute, " Wie bist du, meine
Kdnigint"
" Very well, thank you," we replied;
"and how many instruments do you
really play?"
' Only fifteen with impunity," replied
the Doctor. "I have given up the bass
tuba and the contrafagotto since my
last attack of influenza."
" Were you very musical as a child ? "
ked.
" Certainly," was the answer. " Lead-
ing strings appealed to me in infancy.
As a boy I accompanied PICCOLOMINI on
the piccolo. The only illness I ever con-
tracted in my youth was Scarlattina, and
l;mg before I took to conducting I never
went out without a band on my hat."
"And how do you like Manchester V
Does the Ship Canal compare favourably
with the beautiful blue Danube?"
Dr. RICIITKR letnrned a somewhat
vasive reply.
" The likeness to Jupiter positively leaps to
the eye."
"Manchester," he observed, "is a
fine city. Its fogs are second only to
those of London. My orchestra is
second to none, and since my arrival
the number of Viennese Bakeries has
increased to such an extent that I now
feel quite at home."
And your plans ? "
" Well, there is some talk of my con-
ducting a series of performances of The
Ring at New Brighton this year, but 1
have stipulated that the name of the
place shall be first changed to New
Bayreuthon, and the local authorities
liave not made up their minds. Then
my duties as President of the Society
for the Protection of British Composers
seem likely to occupy a good deal
my time. You see, since the invasioi
of RICHARD STRAUSS, they have all
emigrated to Venezuela, and I have
been asked to arbitrate between them
and the Venezuelans. That, I fear,
will involve a journey to South America,
and I have accordingly purchased a
Panama hat."
" Is it true, Dr. RICHTER, that London
'never heard an orchestra ' before the
visit of the Meiningen band ? "
" That I cannot say. But Manchester
certainly did before 1 came."
"Then you have hopes for the future
of English music ? "
" Certainly ! Has not England given
us SHOOLBRED'S Unfurnished Symphony?
' Ilmv many instruments du yon reallv jjlny '/ "
'Only iiftci-n with impunity," said the Doctor.
'-.'
" I generally run twice round St. James's
Tark before breakfast."
Is there any other country in the world
where people study scores so closely or
compile them more freely? Those of
the great maestro RANJI in particular
seem to me in complexity and variety
of resource to be at least equal to those
of SOCSA."
" And what are your recreations ? "
"Perhaps my greatest relaxation is
going to Ballad Concerts to watch the
expression of Mr. HENRY BIRD'S face
when he is accompanying one of the
superb compositions of STEPHEN ADAMS.
Mr. BARBIE'S Little White Bird is
nothing to it. When I am in London
I generally run twice round St. James's
Park before breakfast. Here I spend a
good deal of my leisure in playing with
ny'two toy terriers, Fafner and Fasolt,
who always accompany me to the
concerts in the Valhall I mean the
the Free Trade Hall."
206
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 25, 1903.
MY LADY NICOTINE.
[" A Bill is to be introduced into Parliament for the prevention of
juvenile smoking, which will render tobacconists liable to be fined if
they sell tobacco in any shape or form to boys under the age of
sixteen." Westminster Gazette.']
'ERE, errand-boys and piper-boys and every gutter-snipe
Wot knows the consolytion of a cigarette or pipe,
Ain't this a crool 'ard stroke
For hany wukkin' bloke ?
'Ere's Parlymint a-syein' as we ain't ter git a smoke !
It 's oilers hinterferin' wiv its everlastin' nag,
But, s'elp me, if it ain't too much ter tike awye oar fag.
'Ow can us men stop smokin' ? When a biby in me pram
I tried ter cultivite instead a simple tiste for jam,
But Baccy seemed ter call
It oilers does ter all
Wot 's learnt ter smoke, like you and me, afore we learnt
ter crawl.
And so, when pore ole muwer tried the comforter, you bet,
She 'd precious soon ter substitoot a farvin' cigarette.
Nah, can the nigger chinge 'is skin ? In corse 'e carn't,
and wot 's
The good of arskin' lepers for ter chinge tkeir ugly spots ?
It 's jest a bit too lite
Ter struggle wiv yer fite
'Ow can yer chinge yer 'abits when yer 've reached the ige
of ite ?
And if the Book 'as 'is cigar, the wukkin' man 'is shag,
Be sure the errand-boy '11 see as 'ow 'e gets 'is fag.
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING CANDID.
REAPERS of Mr. Punch's Dramatic Sequels knew just what
to expect from Mr. ST. JOHN HANKIN'S delightful gift of
irony when they went to see his play, The Two Mr.
Wetherbys, performed before the Stage Society. It is a
comedy of not very original action, but most fresh and
piquant in dialogue. The lot of Mr. James Wetherby is
cast in a colourless suburban interior, rendered intolerable
to a man of innocently carnal tastes by fear of the wife
whom he adores, and by the paralysing importunity of her
relations, whom he detests. Into this milieu, redolent of
that heinous kind of hypocrisy which pretends to be at a
missionary meeting when it is actually playing Bridge at
the club, enters brother Richard, the other Mr. Wetherby,
bringing with him a cool draught of seductive candour.
He, too, had been invited to barter his freedom for a mess
of potage ci deux, but by the simple process of acknow-
ledging his escapades and jumping readily at his wife's
demand for a separation he is now at large, with no worse
shackles than the obligation, named in the deed, of meeting
his wife once a year. At the first of these annual interviews,
arranged to take place at the house of brother James, he
displays a breezy indifference, tempered by genial
camaraderie, which is greatly resented by the wife, already
weary of a position that has " all the disadvantages and
none of the compensations of widowhood," A really
excellent scene.
In the Second Act James Wetherby, divided as to his
soul between envy of his brother's chartered course of
candour, and horror of a domestic embroilment, is only
arrested on the devious paths of hypocrisy by the accident
of a discovered music-hall programme, which reveals to his
indignant wife the objective of his evening's excursion.
His case is not immediately assisted by the sudden truth-
fulness with which, in a moment of expansion inspired by
his brother, he voluntarily exposes his past career of decep-
:ion. His wife promptly arranges to leave him. Richard, who
oas hitherto been the serpent in this rather stuffy Paradise,
now employs the entr'acte in changing into a veritable god
out of a machine. Instructed by his own wife's experience in
;he matter of their separation, he sketches, with a charmingly
impersonal detachment, the gloomy outlook of a woman
who deliberately absents herself from conjugal felicity. His
tact brings about a reconciliation, and James returns to an
Eden thoroughly aired and purged of relations-in-law.
I suppose that Richard must have been moved by his
own eloquence, or the fear of seeming illogical ; otherwise
I cannot understand what induced him to follow the advice
which he had invented out of mere altruism and take
back his wife, that very thorny rose, to his bosom.
Mr. HANKIN'S play reminds one of the definition of the
globe in the elementary geographies. It is like an orange,
a little flat at each pole. But all the rest is nice and round
and full of good stuff.
The interpretation was in good hands. Mr. NYE CHART as
Richard was admirable in by-play, and Mr. A. E. GEORGE
was something more than conscientious in the much less
easy part of James. Mr. EADIE, in the role of a poor
relation, sodden as an old sponge, and with a penchant for
vicarious philanthropy, showed a diverting humour. A
notable characteristic of all the players was their right
sense of values a quality so rarely to be found on the
regular stage. No one attempted to dominate the scene
at the wrong time, or obscure the less important parts by
the obtrusion of his own personality.
A YOUNG STAGER.
DE JINGO MORTUO.
A Frayment.
FROM babyhood, for one-and-twenty years
Beloved by all who knew him, in the Zoo
He lived (and might have died) a blameless life
On nuts and buns. But ah ! 'Twas not to be.
Not for his blamelessness could he escape
The common doom of all the " biggest " things-
The almighty dollar stretched its tentacles
Across the herring-pond and roped him in.
They broke his mighty heart ; he would not eat.
For sixty hours'* on end he trumpeted
(Oh, SOUSA, what a golden chance was here !),
And murdered sleep, till on the afternoon
Of March the twelfth he died. Oh, fatal date
Just three days short of that pale Ides of March
When C^SAR perished A.D. IV. Id. Mart.
They wrapped him (doubtless) in the Stars and Stripes.
They hoisted up a derrick and they hove
His body overboard ; and all that day
Six tons of Jingo floated on the deep.
Bang went eight thousand golden sovereigns,
And rather more than thirteen thousand pounds
Avoirdupois which, if you work it out
By simple rule of three, makes elephants
Eleven and eleven pence a pound,
Twelve times the price of honest British beef
Butchered to make a Yankee holiday.
Yet one word more. For him, he sleeps in peace,
He, who out-Jumboed Jumbo in our hearts.
But mark the writing on the Party-wall
" Our JOE returns : our Jingo is no more."
Does thaf perhaps, like Woolwich and like Rye,
Suggest that Jingo Governments may die ?
55 There seems to be some doubt about the actual length of this
concert. A northern provincial paper says, " He trumpeted for 66 years
prior to his demise."
MARCH 25, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAIMVARI.
207
CHARIVARIA.
WE are authorised to deny the report
that Mr. HENRY ARTHUR JONES will take
the chair at the annual dinner of the
London Association of Correctors of the
Press to be held on the 28th inst.
Mr. BRODRICK has stated that he
approves of drunkards and men of low
character being kept out of the Army,
but he will not lay down rules which
would debar young fellows from being
enlisted by reason, perhaps, of imperti-
nence to their late masters. The War
Minister, it is understood, is desirous of
leaving it open to Mr. BECKETT and Mr.
WINSTON CHURCHILL to take the KINO'S
Shilling.
There is much grumbling among
officers at the frequent changing of
uniforms, and Sir FRANCIS JEUNE has
been led to make some strong remarks
on the epidemic of military suits.
Mr. BALFOUR'S great feat of hand-
shaking at the banquet to Metropolitan
Conservatives last week attracted uni-
versal attention, but it is whispered that,
since Rye, it is not only hands that are
shaking in the Conservative Party.
Curiously enough the Prune Minister
himself acknowledged that the present
Government has been an indifferent
(inc. In replying to a trade deputation
which accused Licensing Justices of
unfair confiscation of property, he said
that the Government would not remain
indifferent.
Fortunately we still have a man to
stand by us in our hour of need. Mr.
WitriAKER WRIGHT has declared to an
interviewer that he had no intention of
abandoning England.
The same financier has also announced
that lie does not owe a penny to anyone.
No one had suggested that that was
the figure.
The KAISER has decided to reform his
language.
The Poet Laureate, who has so often
caused pain, is now to help to alleviate it.
His play, Flodden Field, is to be per-
formed in aid of Guy's Hospital.
.The production, it must be under-
stood, is to be purely a matter of charity.
Forty years ago a Camberwell woman
nin into her knee a needle which lias
just emerged from her right shoulder.
Kor some time past she had suffered
from stitch in the side.
*-*-.-S* AX-^''
<^T-c- ^rv-a.i>p
->!- *:_-*\ ^
^
" HE WOULD HAVE SAID."
A beautiful stroke missed! A favourite club broken! No words to briny relief!
American Friend (in the Ixickground, after a long pause). " WA 'AL, BBOWN, I OCESS THAT 's
THE MOST PROFANE SILENCE I 'VE EVER LISTENED TO ! "
An attempt is to be made to induce
men to wear gayer attire. It is an
undoubted fact that, with the spread of
teetotalism, the one bright spot about a
man is tending to disappear.
From Germany comes a new cure for
insomnia. The patient must first stand
upright, slowly raise the arms till they
are above the head, then bring them
forward and down again, at the same
time bending the body till the finger-
lips almost touch the ground. His
head will now be hanging downwards
and his body bent limply in two. Sleep
will then ensue.
Kl'.W.VItDS WHILE YOU WAIT. -At a time
when much criticism is lieiug passed on
thi> War ( Mlice for their dolav in dis-
tributing South African Medals it is
pleasant to record the promptitude of
Sir REDVERS BULLER in awarding honours
for ambulance work in the field. "In
the afternoon," says the Northern Daily
Mail, " he kicked off at the Batley foot-
ball match, and in the evening presented
medallions and certificates to the local
ambulance brigade."
A CLERICAL " MUFFIN SCRAMBLE." The
Daily Chronicle, reporting Sir UIAKY
CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN'S speech at Leeds,
quotes him as follows : " Their (the
Tories') opposition to Home Rule is
breaking down before our very eyes.
I'Viciv.s.) // receivsd the deadliest Mmr
out during last autumn when the Irish
. . . came to the rescue of ... the
Itench of Bishops. (Laughter.) "
208
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 25, 1903.
She. " IT "s REALLY WONDERFUL HOW THIS PART OF THE WORLD SUITS OLD PEOPLE ! TUEUE 's MY GRANDFATHER, HE 's EIGHTY-NINE NEXT
MONTH."
He. "REALLY! ALMOST A WHAT-D'YE-CALL-IT ? A ^'UXENTITI-, DON'T YOU KNOW!"
LITTLE FARCES FOR THE FORCES.
IV. ON THE EVE OF BATTLE (1923 A.D.).
The Scene is the interior of the tent of
the Commander of the British
Forces the evening before a great
battle. The veteran Field Marshal
Professor SMITH, F.R.S., F.R.G.S.,
M.O.M., &c., c., sits in consulta-
tion with the Chief of his Staff. A
map is spread out before them.
Field Marshal (his finger on the map).
A deep study of the strategy of Xeno
phon inclines me to believe that here
will be the turning point of the battle.
[He quotes a few sentences of Greek.
Staff Officer purrs sympathetically.
Chief of the Staff. I should not
depend too much, Sir, on the reverence
of our adversary for the classics. He is
a shockingly uneducated person, I am
told, and has a way of doing unexpected
things out of his own head.
Field Marshal. And it is against such
a man that I must pit this intellectual
army, officered almost entirely by
"honours men." Mere "pass men"
would have sufficed for so contemptible
an adversary. The Cavalry will of
course cover the advance ?
Chief of the Staff. The learned Doctor
GROHUS, their commander, has occupied
their time so thoroughly with his
lectures on the parabolic flight of the
bullet, on the laws of muzzle- velocity
and gravitation, and on the expanding
powers of the powders of all the Euro-
pean Powers, that they have a really
excellent theoretical acquaintance; with
their new weapon, the latest rifle, but
have not had time to study equitation.
Two of their squadron leaders were
"double-firsts" in theology and music.
Field Marshal. Then we will use the
cavalry as a reserve of infantry. What
troops hold this wood ?
Chief of the Staff. A northern Regi-
ment. Their officers mostly went up to
Durham, not brilliant scholars but well
grounded very well grounded.
Field Marshal (brightening up). Order
them to entrench themselves where they
are. What Regiment lies by this stream ''.
Chief of the Staff. The Cambridge
men, Sir.
Field Marshal. Ah ! my quick calcu-
lators. My gallant lads for whom the
binomial theorem and the differential
calculus have no terrors. Send those of
their officers who are Wranglers over to
parley with the enemy, and try and find
a bridge scientific, you know, and with
low points for the occupation of the
others.
Chief of (he Staff. The Oxford Guards
are here, Sir, by the chapel.
Field ManJtal. A splendid corps !
Every officer a Fellow of his College.
Great scholars and most retiring men.
Let them form the rear guard. What
corps holds the inn ?
Chief of the Staff. The College Green
Rifles.
Field Marshal. Trinity, Dublin, of
course. Fine English scholars, but with
too much push. We mustn't place them
before the Oxford men. Put them on
fatigue duty, and let them employ their
push on the waggons.
Chief of the Staff. What Regiments
shall we detail for the attack?
Fidd Marshal. None of our crank
I mean, crack officers must be sa<ri-
ficed ; great learning deserves immorta-
lity. Order up some of the quite
ordinary Regiments officered by mere
Sandhurst men.
WILL NEVER CEASE ! -- The
11 estminetsr Gazette man, reporting Mr.
CHAMBERLAIN'S visit to the City on Friday
last, in noting the presence of celebrities,
said, " The Duke of DEVONSHIRE, who
was one of the early arrivals." The
Duke, early ! Strange, most strange !
What does this portend ?
ITNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Mw 11 :.'">. 1W3.
u
NONE SO BLIND,"
RIGHT HON. ST. J. BR-DR-CK (Gardener in Government Conservatory). " I SAY ! THIS IS A BIT TOO THICK !
THE GUV'NOR HAS BEEN AND GOT HIMSELF DISLIKED ! "
MARCH 25, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
211
HIGHWAYS AND BYWAYS.
XIX. PATERNITY.
A DENSE yellow almost impenetrable
fog. It is close on midnight ; the
bridge is to all appearances deserted,
save for :i party of humegoing revellers
singing the latest pantomime song, who
have just passed me to fade away next
moment into mere voices in the
obscurity. Leaning over the parapet I
gaze with aching eyes into the dark
void, somewhere beyond which the
hungry river is moving on in awful
silence. The pantomime chorus in the
distance grows muffled and feeble, then
expires. I am alone in Infinity.
A shout from below, but whether
from the river or the bank I cannot tell.
The shout is repeated again and again.
I turn and hasten towards the end of
the bridge, then grope my way through
two posts that suddenly rise up out of
the fog before me, and down a steep
slope towards the towpath. The shout-
ing grows louder, and resolves itself
into something approaching intelligi-
bility.
"Hi-i-i! Urray urra-a-ay ! Hi-i-i-i-i ! '
I draw nearer. The shouting swells
to a roar. The next moment a dark
figure looms out of the fog the figure
of :i man leaning against the fence at
the side of the towpath, with one arm
hitched round the top rail, and yelling
at the top of his voice. Suddenly he
sees me and desists.
" 'Oiler, boys," he remarks explana-
torily.
"Is there anything wrong?" I
inquire.
" 'Oiler, boys," he repeats, giving his
arm a further hitch round the rail,
"earn yer livin' an' 'oll-er! Hi-i-i!
'Urra-a-ay ! "
He pauses and gazes at me jubilantly.
"Thet's it," he observes, "not in a
'arf 'arnce wye. Earn yer livin'.
'Oll-er! Hi-i-i ! 'Urray ! 'Urra-a-ay ! "
He desists again breathlessly.
"Has War or Peace or something
been declared ? " I venture to inquire.
He regards me hazily.
" Buful boy," he remarks.
I hesitate to accept the compliment,
and look at him interrogatively.
"Buful boy," he repeats.
" Nimium ne crede eolori," I suggest.
"Not 'arf," he responds. "I'm a
fawther."
I congratulate him.
"A fawther," he repeats. "Buful
boy. Mine an' my wife's."
1 congratulate him again. He grasps
my hand.
" You 're one o' the right sort," he
observes, "not one o' them one o'
those "
He expectorates with an infinite
:st for the vague class in question.
p.,..,.,
NOT A BAD JUDGE OF THE MARKET.
Benevolent Old Gent (to Newsboy, viho is eagerly devouring the contents of the latest edition).
" WHAT ABE YOU DOING, tit BOY ? "
Sharp Urchin. " PLEASE, SIB, I "K LOOKING our TO SEE IF THERE 's ASTTHMO ' SPESHAL ' SENSA-
TIONAL. 'COS IF SO, I HAY BE ABLE TO BAI8E MY PfilCES ! "
"Tell yer wot it is," he observes.
" I 'm a fawther buful boy, an' I 'm
goin' ter cellar "
He pauses, apparently in difficulties
of some kind, then resumes again.
"Buful boy, an' I'm goin' ter ter
cellar
" Aren't you confusing the gender ? "
I venture.
" Cellarbrathoccasion," he says rapidly.
" Mynasejohnwhite."
He eyes me with solemnity and
importance.
"JoHK WHITE my name is," he
repeats, obviously conscious of the
sensation he is about to create, "an" I
live in London."
I am duly impressed. He laughs in
exultant glee.
" An' I 'm a bricklayer," he adds
triumphantly.
I murmur astonished plaudits.
"JOHN WHITE my name is," he
repeats, " an' wot 's more I can prove it
to yer. It 's on my shirt "ere."
He begins to struggle out of one
sleeve of his coat, his left arm still
hitched round the railing.
I endeavour to dissuade him, but
without success. I glance about me.
The fog seems to have grown colder
and denser if anything ; above us I can
just discern the dark shadowy mass
that is the bridge ; all else is one yellow
blank.
" I can give yer proof," pants my
friend resolutely between his struggles ;
" yer cawn't ask fer more than thet.
Up top o' the sleeve there JOHN
WHITE.'*
"Ah, I see," I declare.
He pauses suddenly and looks at me
narrowly.
"No yer don't," he states, " becos'
it ain't light enough. I 'm goin' ter
prove it to yer. Give us a metch."
I produce a box, and he strikes a
match with difficulty.
" There nar yer can see it," he says,
holding the match so that it sheds a
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAECH 25, 1903.
glow on my boots, "at the top o' the
sleeve there."
"Dear me," I exclaim, not without
apprehension, "so it is."
Honour is satisfied. He throws away
the match, and proceeds to struggle into
his coat-sleeve again.
" JOHN WHITE," he repeats with satis-
faction. " An' wot 'a more, if you '11
wait while I go dahn ter the Broadwye,
I can bring yer still more convincin'
proof."
With difficulty I convince him that
this is not really necessary. He becomes
meditative.
" Tork abaht FEED SMILER," he
observes with an infinite disgust,
"why, I cud eat more bricks 'n 'e cud
stack."
He glares at me aggressively. I
assure him earnestly of the low opinion
I have conceived of the said Mr. SMILER,
and prepare to go. He detains me by
the arm.
"My wife's a treasure," he informs
me.
I suggest that he return to the
treasure without delay. He pays no
attention.
"The best o' women," he continues.
" She 's somethin' like a wife, she is.
If she wasn't I 'd I 'd knock 'er
bloomin' 'ead orf."
Suddenly he is struck by a brilliant
idea.
" I '11 go 'ome an' knock it orf this
minute," he declares.
He makes a move, but some spirit
seems to restrain his feet. He hitches
his arm round the railing again.
"Tork abaht FEED SMILEB ' he
begins.
The cold and fog are getting too
much for me. Mindful of the unseen
river beyond I suggest that he accom-
pany me as far as the bridge.
" I 'm goin' ter stay where I am," he
states emphatically.
I use all my powers of persuasion.
He becomes menacing.
" 'Oo yer gittin' at?" he demands.
"I'm a fawther I am, an' I'm goin'
ter stay 'ere an' 'oiler. Earn yer livin',
boys. 'Oll-er! Hi-i-i ! 'Urray ! 'Urra-
a-a-ay ! "
Unable to prevail I make my departure
up the slope, and through the wooden
posts on to the bridge. The yelling
from the towpath continues intermit-
tently. I look back ; nothing is to be
seen but fog. Halfway across the bridge
a bright ray of light suddenly pene-
trates the fog in front of me. It is a
policeman with a lantern. I answer
his questions and he moves on towards
the towpath. Fainter and fainter as I
advance comes the voice of the proud
father from the fog behind.
" 'Oiler, boys, earn yer liv'n' an'
'oll-cr! Hi--:-i'! 'Urra-a-av!"
OF BARBARA.
(Lines suggested on reading a Lady's
Paper.)
Is she then old or young in years ?
More stately, daintier than her peers ?
Sprightly and fair, or dark, demure?
Of one thing only we are sure :
Cast in a different mould is she
From other maids if maid she be
This BARBARA.
When serious doubts our path oppress
In life, love, etiquette, or dress ;
In cookery, religion, sport,
In choice of holiday-resort :
Enfin, in matters small or large,
Advice is given, free of charge,
By BARBAEA.
What " MOUSIE " should to " H." reply ;
When "PEAEL" may don her gloves
and why ;
How "J." will lessen, "L." repair
The growth or waste of flesh or hair :
With every hope of certain aid
All troubles may be safely laid
On BARBAEA.
But most one feels, when -dull despair
Comes, and the soul is sick with care ;
When other friends are fallen away,
And all the world looks lone and grey :
There beats in perfect counterpart
One heart the great responsive heart
Of BARBARA.
EXTRACTS FROM FOOTBALL REPORTS.
I. OLD STYLE.
" WHEN the game had lasted about
an hour, and each side had scored two
goals, there was a keen fight for the
winning goal. The Scots Foresters
took the ball down to the South End
goal, but BENTON missed the kick and
TOMLIN cleared. The South End team
made a good run after this, and TOMSON
kicked the ball into the goal, but as he
was ' offside,' it did not count. For
some time the ball was kept pretty
much in the middle of the ground, but
at last GRIGSON ran through the South
End ranks, and got the ball well in
front of the goal. Being hindered by
the opposing backs, however, he had to
give time for the players to run up from
all parts of the ground, and a short,
sharp struggle took place. No one
knew quite how, but the ball at last
went through, and so the Scots Forest
team secured their third goal. There
was no more scoring, and the Scots won
by three goals to two."
II. NEW STYLE.
(Adapted to the same incident.)
" The game had now been in pro-
gress for a full hour, and as there were
barely thirty minutes left for play, and
the record stood ' two-all,' each side
put forth efforts compared with which
the labours of Hercules were puny and
infantile diversions, the object being
the gaining of the winning point. The
Foresters rushed away with what ap-
peared to be absolutely irresistible force
and momentum, and with the leather
well in hand or rather at foot
swooped down upon the fold like a
pack of hungry wolves, or the Assyrians
of SENNACHERIB as described by BYEON.
But alas ! BENTON in his excitement
failed to judge aright the relative posi-
tions of his pedal extremities and the
sphere, with the result that it trundled
away towards TOMLIN instead of itinera-
ting to INSKIP, who was waiting to
guide it gracefully between the goal
posts. As a result the South Enders
got possession of the bubble, swept like
an equatorial tornado across the field,
passing the opposing woodmen or
brushing them aside like stubble, till
TOMSON sent in a beauty which eluded
the watchfulness of the Verderers' cus-
todian and landed in the net. The
Ref, however, had a word to say, and
that combination of letters was ' offside.'
So the Enders' jubilation was ended and
the Scots' danger was scotched. In the
final stage of the contest, GRIGSON car-
ried the pilule through the astonished
array opposed to him, and deposited his
charge magnificently in front of the
sacred enclosure, but a temporary hesi-
tation gave the meridionals time to
recover themselves and flock around
him in defence of their cherished
citadel. At last, however, a shout rent
the heavens, and announced to a waiting
world that the result of a lively scrim-
mage in front of goal was that the pellet
had found its way past the guardian of
the South, and given the Scottish repre-
sentatives of ROBIN HOOD the coveted
lead. Thus did the Cock of the North
once more evidence his superiority over
the fowl from warmer latitudes, and
gain the right to crow over a glorious
and well-deserved victory."
BOOKS RECEIVED.
Getting Round the Globe. By WHITAKER
WRIGHT, author of " America as a Health
Resort," "The Strange Adventures of
Miss Browne," " Directors I Have
Known," " Detectives who Have Known
Me," "Fables of Finance," &c.
Men of Action : Charles Henri/ Strutt.
By H. S. H. CAVENDISH, author of
"Religious Beliefs of Patagonia," and
of a paper on " Spirits Above Proof,"
published among the Transactions of
the Chemico-Psychical Association.
The Admirable Baii-ie : a Fantasy.
By WILLIAM CRICHTON, author of " Senti-
mental Sweeny," " The Licensing Pro-
blem in London," and many other
works.
MARCH 25, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
213
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FHOIC THE DlARY OF ToBV, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, Mrirch 1C.
DON JOSK hack again, bringing his
sheaves with him. Had his ups and
downs of favour and disfavour with the
public. To-day, on return from South
A LEADING MISSIONARY.
Just home from his " mission."
"This taxation (against polygamy) was
suggested by a leading missionary." Ur.
Chamberlain's Speech.
Africa, scores high water-mark of popu-
larity. Not long ago new diplomacy in
disrepute. DON Jos6 as its principal
exponent, if not its actual inventor,
reviled. The latest development of new
diplomacy the Minister in charge of a
problem of far-reaching interest wending
his way by sea and land to study it on
the spot struck a chord of approbation
in the breast of an essentially business-
like people. It was positively bringing
to bear upon the affairs of the Nation
elementary princi pies that would animate
a private firm of traders in the direction
of their own affairs.
Innovation startling enough to stir
in their graves Cabinet Ministers of
yester year. Even living Permanent
Secretaries shake their heads in ominous
doubt. Where 's this thing going to
end? If vulgar business principles,
suitable for banks, great shipping com-
panics, or the firms of merchant princes,
once gain footing in. Downing Street,
what is to become of the country ?
However, sufficient to the day is the
:ition thereof. It really seems as
if DON JOSE'S mission to South Africa
had been productive of good. Certainly
no harm done beyond the danger hinted
at of the example spreading say
SELBORXE, cutting off his beard and
moustache, shipping before the mast ol
an Rimed cruiser (if it has such a thing)
studying state of Navy from that per-
spective. Or of CARNOT BKODRICK dis-
guising himself in civilian dress, enlist-
ing in an Army Corps and observing
how it works in wet weather on Salis-
bury Plain.
Entering the House this afternoon
DON Jos was hailed with ringing cheer
from the side which in Aston Park Riot
days howled at him with at least equal
vigour. Applause was echo of that
which shouted Farewell when, three
weeks ago, he left Cape Town, and wa?
answered at Southampton on his arrival.
Earlier friends and companions dear on
Liberal benches did not join in demon-
stration. But not to be outdone in
complimentary appreciation. For DON
JOSE'S special benefit saved up CROOKS,
the latest product of Royal Arsenal's
workshops extolled to-night by ARNOLD
FORSTER on introducing Navy Estimates.
In accordance with ordinary usage
the new Woolwich Infant would have
been dragged across Palace Yard last
Friday, and placed in position on the
kopje to the left of the SPEAKER com-
manding Treasury Bench. But DON
Jos6 would be so glad to be present at
introduction of a man who had accom-
plished a transfer of six thousand votes
to the detriment of the Government.
By hooks or by CROOKS his pleasure
must be gratified. So the Woolwich
Infant was kept back, and this afternoon
Opposition had their bout of cheering
as he was trundled up to the Table to
take the Oath.
Nothing suggestive of skeleton in
personal appearance of Mr. CROOKS. On
the contrary, for British workman in
time of exceptional distress, he is
decidedly plump. It was the MEMBER
"THE WIHII.WKH INFANT."
(Mr. W-ll Cr-ks.)
' Nothing suggestive of skeleton in
-Mr. Crooks."
FOR SAKK whom I heard murmuring
quotation from famous passage in a
speech delivered in days of sin.
"He performs in the Liberal Party
THE VICTOR.
Not one's usual idea of a Rye face.
(Dr. C. F. H-tch-ns-n.)
the useful part of the skeleton at
Egyptian feasts. He is there to repress
our enthusiasm and to moderate our
joy."
Thus DON JOSE, talking about JOKIM
in the hearing of a delighted audience
gathered at Trowbridge on an October
day more than seventeen years sped.
There 's nothing new under the sun.
Here 's the skeleton, in another form,
with application to another party, at
its old work.
Business done. In Committee on
Naval Estimates.
Tuesday night. Something really
terrifying in the way CAP'EN TOMMY
BOWLES to-night flung himself on Finan-
cial Secretary to the Treasury. Been
comparatively quiescent since he last
demolished what was left of SECRETARY
OF STATE FOR WAR. Interval of Sabbath
rest, instead of soothing the old salt,
lias caused the patriotic blood to surge
through imperialistic veins with fresh
snergy.
This afternoon, in Committee of
Supply, came on excess vote of seventy-
seven pounds fifteen and fivepence for
214
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAECH 25, 1903.
"Cap'en Tommy Bowles flung himself on Financial Secretary to the Treasury."
(Mr. T. G-bs-n B-wl-s and Mr. H-y-s F-sh-r.)
National Art Gallery of Ireland. Chair-
man submitted proposal ; was proceed-
ing to declare the " Ayes " had it, when
up gat the Cap'en and in quarter-deck
voice declared it " perfectly scandalous "
that Financial Secretary should attempt
to smuggle the vote through without
word of explanation.
HAYES FISHER, trembling in every
limb, rose to explain. A delightful
story he told, flooding with light
obscure working of British Constitu-
tion. It seems that the Director of Irish
National Art Gallery, an admirable
judge of the value of figures whether
in statuary or painting, cannot bring
himself to practical dealing with them
when they represent pounds, shillings
and pence. According to HAYES FISHER,
the Treasury and the Auditor General
have through revolving years been
beseeching him to send in his little
account. Always he has murmured,
"Mariana, Mariana." To-morrow came,
but no statement of account.
He has been sat upon by various sub-
committees, and nothing squeezed out
of him. ARTHUR HAYTER told with tears in
his voice how, only last week, Committee
on Public Accounts spent precious hour
in going through the business. They
concluded with the usual remonstrance.
For years remonstrance has rained
upon the Director, with fructifying
result in all directions save that of his
little bill. HAYES FISHER, varying his des-
pondency with note of triumph, informed
sympathetic Committee of resolution
finally come to at Treasury. Director
is to have one more chance. If in
coming financial year he doesn't make
up accounts of his Department, a
Treasury clerk will be turned on to do
the work, and lie will be left to his
pictures, his sculptures, and any ancient
Irish treasure trove he can recover from
grasping British Museum.
"Meanwhile," said the Financial
Secretary, with satisfaction of a man
who feels that, England expecting him to
lo his duty, he has not failed Mother-
and, "the Director has been again
severely reprimanded."
Particulars of the Vote to-day agreed
to were extracted only after two years'
wrestling with the reticent Director, and
after despatch of successive reprimands
increasing in weight till of late they
have, from motives of economy, been
sent by Parcels Post.
Once moved to grapple with the
subject, the much-reprimanded Director
discloses unsuspected and encouraging
aptitude for accounting. Observe the
precision of his little bill seventy-
seven pounds fifteen and fivepence.
Mr. Mantalini, who had similar con-
stitutional aversion to accurate account-
ing combined with unconquerable
contempt for " demnition coppers,"
would certainly have made it seventy-
seven pounds fifteen and sixpence, or,
more probably, have merged details in
presentation of bill for round sum of
78. Sir Mantalini of the Irish Art
Gallery, once he brings himself to the
point of grappling with figures, will
have them exact to a penny piece.
Business done. Navy Estimates.
Friday night. MEMBER FOR SARK
much amused by little whim of police-
man on duty in octagon hall.
"Are the Lords still sitting?" SARK
asked to-night.
" No, Sir," said the policeman, drop-
ping his voice to reverential note.
" Their lordships have arisen."
This subtle suggestion of the LORD
CHANCELLOR, and a dozen Peers who hap-
pened to be in their places when the
end of the Order Paper was reached,
being snatched up and carried heaven-
ward, probably in chariots of fire, is
delicious. When we poor mortals finish
our appointed task and go home it is
curtly said, " The Commons are up."
" The Lords have arisen."
Business done. Private Members'.
In a Minor Key.
Hearty Friend (meeting Operatic Com-
poser). Hallo, old man, how are you ?
Haven't seen you for an age ! What 's
your latest composition ?
Impecunious Musician (gloomily).
With my creditors.
I" Exeunt severally."
" ON IONS." Such was the subject
of Sir W. CROOKES' most recent lecture.
Were they Spanish ? Pickled ? Boiled
or fried ? With or without rabbit,
steak, or shoulder of mutton? They
were made " visible." This was hardly
necessary, as in such a case the evidence
to the eyes would be less convincing
than that to the nose.
MARCH 25, 1903.J
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
215
INTERNATIONAL LETTERS.
(Lost between London and Berlin.)
LIBBER GKAF BULOW.- Teh bin so ge-
freut zu sehen dass der KAISER hat com-
iiiainlirt ein simplification in Deutsch.
.Ict/.t. ioh werdo sein able zu sc.lireiben
ganz easily, und nimmer mit der verb
an der end von dcr sentence. Das war
furchtbar. The language ist schlecht
gemig, ohne solche absurdities, wenn
Sic willen allow mich zu sagen so.
liei Jove, icli babe gebabt ein furcht-
bar Zeit lately, mit GIBSON BOWLES,
WINSTON CHURCHILL und die andere alle
badgerend mich zu einst. Viele Zeite
ich war ganz angry. Es war genug zu
machen ein Bursche toll. Ist es nicht
verdammt impudence on their part zu
attempt zu teach mich? Ich habe
en der Deutsch army, so ich weiss
was ein English army soil zu sein. Es
war especially irritating weil ich hatte
gekommen zuriick von Malta und
Gibraltar, wo ich ging in ein Mann
von Krieg, und hatte salutes und
reviews, und war ganz wie ein Konig,
o.Icr at least wie ein Viceroy. Ich
wiirde lieben zu sein ein Viceroy, wie
CURZON. Haben Sie gehort dass ich habe
some chance of succeeding ihn, wenn
BAI.FOUR hat zu chuck mich aus von der
War Office ? Aber es ist ein secret, so
sagen nichts herum es. Natiirlich nach
solch ein swell journey es war disgust-
ing zu sein heckled by mere ordinary
common Members of Parliament.
1 1 -I i wiinschte zu ha lien mein show
vor CHAMBF.RLAIX kam zuriiek, weil er
schneide uns alle hinaus. Ich dachte
ich konnte arrange dass der Secretary
fiir Krieg sollte iinmer haben ein escort
von cavalry. Denken Sie nicht es
wiirde sein schr grand, ich in khaki,
mit mcin beautiful Rot Adler on, in
ein gilt state carriage mit ein cavalry
escort? Das ist der Sorte von Ding
dass ich Hebe. Aber wir hatten solch
ein row dass es war impossible, und
besides BALFOUR hates any grandeur or
state, mid liebt ganz shabby clothes
weil er spirit golf immer.
liei der \Yeg, wenn es sollte happen
dass icli kann nicht sein Viceroy von
India, glaiilicn Sie der KAISER wiirde
maehen mich Viceroy von Kiao-chau ?
Ich thue so brauchen zu sein ein Vice-
roy, mit uniforms zu tragen, und mit
salutes und reviews jeden Tag. Sehend
dass ich habe der Rot Adler, und kann
sprechen Deutsch und schreiben es auch
mit der verb immer in der Mittel, ich
bin jetzt halb ein Deutsch official
BALFOUR und die andere fellows sagten
kein Wort when I accepted der Rol
Adler accepted, I jumped at it! so
ich bin sicher dass siewiirden sein ganz
calm wenn ich ging zu Kiao-chau wi<
<ltr IVutic'i Viceroy, und people are si
ungrateful, sie wiirden sein probably
ganz gefreut und fertig zu springen fiir
freude. Teh hoffe Sie sind wohl. Giitig
regards von alle. Ihr sehr treulich,
ST. JOHN BRODRICK.
DEAR Mn. BRODRICK, Received have I
our _high interesting and very pretty
etter. Put I now always the verb, or
\-i rlis, at the beginning of the sentence
any language in obedience to the
tiigh ] to be respected Order of my
[mperial Master Maijiater now, as well
as Domlnus, supreme in syntax as in
iverything. How charming the latin
language for quotation ! Is not the new
position of verbs difficult in German,
d even in English ? Obey must we
however always.
Referring now to your nice letter.
See you here our difficulty. Begin must
another sentence for another verb.
Produce I therefore short sentences as
thosg of your abusing KIPLING. How
much better the longer and beautifuller
phrases of Germany's greatest friend
and only foreign praiser, MAETERLINCK !
What a clever long sentence of mine,
without any verb at all ! Practise I
such constantly in obedience to the
Imperial Order and for the gratification
of his Majesty.
Referring again to your letter. Have
you cause for complaint in view of the
acceptance of all your estimates ? Have
you not your many millions pound for
the english army ? Compare us.
Opposed byRiCHTER and others. Reduced
have they our estimates for China by
throe millions mark hundred fifty
thousand pound.
Reminds me this of your request.
Seeing this reduction, any gold or other
carriage for Governor of Kiao-chau im-
possible. Goes he to foot therefore hence-
forth, but with cavalry escort. See you ?
If therefore governorship no longer de-
sirable, even if Englishman or half-
Englishman eligible, what alternative?
Offer you very gladly the distinguished
position of stationmaster on a branch
line of the Prussian State Railway.
Uniform very elegant, with real sword,
and red cap quite charming. What a
chance for you ! Quieter than India.
Your trusly, TON BULOW.
AWFUL TORTURE ! FATAL RESULT !
It is confidently reported, though at
present we are not at liberty to mention
any names in connection with the tragic
occurrence, that a certain well-known
musical critic went, by invitation, to an
amateur concert, where he uae put into
a seat and actually bored to death !
The matter is in the hands of the
police, and the mysterious affair will be
strictly investigated.
HAVE I ANY REDRESS?
SIR, I am a strong anti-Imperialist
and, holding sacred my opinions as I do,
[ was moved to write a few lines of
sarcastic welcome to Mr. CHAMIIFIM.MN
on his return from his vaunted South
African mission. Having finished them
n the rough, I handed them, according
o my custom, to my wife to make a
'air copy and post to the Editor of our
ocal Radical paper, the Herald. These
were the lines in their finisjied state :
JOE'S TRIUMPH.
ASM KKD of praise the braggart comes;
A smile of triumph bares his gums ;
The fawning crowd their plaudits sound,
To greet their JOE on English ground
Their JOE, not ours. Soon, soon may he
Be robbed of his supremacy,
And his imperialistic faith
Die an unmounted, degraded death !
The hunt for approbation o'er,
Now must he set to work once more ;
Would i hat his holiday ne'er ended,
Since all he does must be amended.
F. T. L.
Owing to some misunderstanding my
wife addressed the envelope to the
Editor of the Mercury, a Conservative
paper of a very bitter type, the Editor
of which, instead of returning them, as
a gentleman would have done, made a
few alterations and printed them, with
my initials, as a genuine address of
welcome to his demi-god ! I quote his
garbled version :
10 TRIUMPH K.
SECITRE of praise the hero conies,
Amid the thunder of the drums ;
The happy crowd their plaudits sound
To greet their chief on English ground.
Their chief and ours. Long may he live,
Fresh proofs of statesmanship to give,
And m propagate, while he has breath,
His grand Imperialistic faith.
His federating mission o'er,
Now will he work at homo once more ;
Would that his labours never ended,
Their final outcome is so splendid.
F. T. T,.
Comment is needless such are Im-
perialist manners. I am,
Yours, &c., F. T. L.
EXTRACT FIJOM THE DIARY OF A SCHOLAR
OF NF.W COLLEGE, OXFORD. "In the
early afternoon of this day, overtired
by delivering his marvellous Lecture
on ' The Underlying Oneness of All
Material Phenomena ' (showing that
each created thing is fundamentally
identical with every other created
thing), our learned Master put his
tea-kettle into the large easy-chair, and
went and sat on the fire. The next
lecture of the course has been unavoid-
ably postponed."
216
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 25, 1903.
THE NAVAL ENGINEER.
A Rough Rime by an Ancient Mariner.
["" The engineer feels that nn engineering
<le[>enrls not only the mere propulsion of the
ship, but also gunnery, torpedo, electricity, aiu
everything else." Daily Paper.]
WHEN the Admirable CRICHTO'N
Adorned this hemisphere
He must have been a " bright-un "
And a Naval Engineer.
Old admirals and captains stout,
And such like poor small beer,
Would all be lost at sea without
The Naval Engineer.
No longer an apprentice dunce
He toils in workshops drear ;
But, like Minerva, shines at once,
A Naval Engineer.
The genius and the poet sit
On the same level here,
Their motto, "Nascitur, non fit,"
Suits the Naval Engineer. '
He spends four years at College,
"Exams" he need not fear
In any branch of knowledge,
Our Naval Engineer.
Let guns and hull superfluous be
With engine-room and gear ;
On Belleville boiler goes to sea
Our Naval Engineer.
Torpedoes in each pocket,
Two guns in front and rear,
Some fire-balls and a rocket
Completes the Engineer.
Come on then, every mother's son,
We'll all sing "Cheer, Boys, cheer!"
WATT, NELSON, both rolled into one
Aren't equal to that great big gun
" The Naval Engineer ! "
SCRAPS FROM A HOCKEY LUNCH.
SCENE Mrs. DISTIUIT'S country house.
PERSONS. Two hockey tiams about to
play a match, and a handful of
harmless house guests.
Mrs. Distrait (the gentle hostess, carv-
ing chicken). Do you like the wing,
Miss SIIYNGARDS ?
Miss Shyngards (a player, casually).
Oh, yes, the right wing best.
Mrs. D. (much puzzled). Oh, is it
supposed to be better than the left ?
Miss S. (absently, scanning the other
team). It 's much less hard, t think.
Mrs. D. But these aren't tough, I
assure you. Even the legs are tender.
Miss S. (with sudden attention). Ah,
there I can sympathy. My guards are
very little protection.
* *
Mrs. D'Oyle (a guest, on Miss SHYN-
IARD'H other side). Have you seen Miss
'"OWI.EU'S photograph ?
SIGNS OF SPRING.
Miss S. Is that the half-back ?
Mrs. D'O. No, the side-face,
s- s s
Mr. Golightly (a guest). Are you a
friend of Miss GOALDUST'S, Miss HOOKER?
Miss Hooker (a player). Not by any
means. She 's too abominably selfish
she never passes anything.
Mr. G. Oh, but perhaps she 'a very
hungry, or perhaps you haven't asked
her.
Miss II. That wouldn't be the least
good. She simply dribbles all the time.
Mr. G. At the table ?
Miss H. No, on the ground, of course.
Mr. G. (shudders). How disgustin' !
Si i iS iii
Miss Dodger (a player). I like being
centre in a mixed match, don't you ?
You always know there are several men
around you.
Miss Hacker (a guest, loftily). Yes,
/here 's safety in numbers, I admit ;
still, there's a little element of danger
sometimes.
Miss D. (thoughtfully). Well, of course
;here is more danger, so you must
mark your man.
Miss //. Mark your man, indeed ! I
never get to that length I simply cut
them. [Cuts Miss DODGER aZso_
)9 e o
Mrs. Distrait (speaking down the table).
[ saw Miss PASSMORE to-day.
Mr. Golightly. I 'm sure she plays
jockey.
Miss Hooker. How do you know that,
Mr. GOI.IGHTLY ?
Mr. (!. By her ankles, of course.
Chorus of Guests and Mrs. T>istrait.
By her ankles ?
Mr. G. (pluming himself to deliver
his hardworkcd epigram). Why, don't
you know ? everybody plays either to
show her ankles or to justify them.
[The Guests smile. The Wavers try to
look indifferent.
s :;:
Miss Bluestocking (a guest). In my
opinion there 's no one like MEREDITH on
a winter afternoon.
Mr. Goodwin (a player). Do you mean
the MEREDITH that got so hacked last
week ?
Miss B. I can't say anything about
last week, but he was rather severely
cut up by the Onlooker the week before.
Miss Lark (a player). The onlookers
have no right to interfere that 's my
opinion !
Miss B. (recognising her existence /or
a moment). Quite so.
Mr. G. (impatiently). Well, but is
MEREDITH any good ?
Miss B. Quite in the front rank, I
should say.
Mr. G. What 's his strong point ?
Miss B. His treatment of women, I
think, undoubtedly.
Mr. G. He 's not rough, then ?
You 've got to win somehow, you know.
Miss B. Yes, he 's a little rough on
them sometimes, but he 's really very
fair.
Miss L. (unquelled). I don't mind a
man being rough so long as he 's fair.
Miss B. (ignoring her). His men are
generally a bit weak, unfortunately.
Mr. G. How does he place them ?
Miss B. In very awkward positions,
sometimes ; but then, MEREDITH always
had a knack of getting out of awkward
positions.
Mr. G. Which do you consider his
best?
Miss B. Richard Feverel, I think, or
Lord Ormont.
Miss L. (excitedly, rising once more).
0, I never heard of a real Lord playing
hockey. Do tell me ! Where does he
play?
[Mrs. DISTRAIT gives the signal to rise,
and retires to lie down with a
headache.
THE Cape Times, describing Mr.
CHAMBERLAIN'S visit to Groot Constantia,
says, "There were carriages by the
score and motors by the dozen. On
the stoep of the old homestead were
assembled all the rank and fashion of
the Peninsula, panting painfully with
that distressful monotony peculiar to
the breed, also gave forth a pungent
aroma, common to their species." A
very nice derangement of epitaphs !
Antii, 1,'J903.]
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON CMIAIM VAIM.
217
THE NK\V CHILD.
["The KAISEH and KAISKIUX art- nincli intir-
i-stril ill a lilth- musical prodigy who lia-
arrivrd in lirrlin frmn Madriil. This child,
rallrd l'i I'll" Aiaiioi.A, is six years old, and i-
.-aid In !' a iMiiipletr master <if tin' jiianu, and
deeply M-rsrd in harmony and ouinterp'unl.
|[r has personally presented the KAISKII with a
march of his own composition." ll'ir/;/;/
I' rum llif " Haliy-Hookmnn," Aj-ril 1, 1900.
MR. A. Lmi.Krii.M', whose new novel
is attracting so nincli attention, frankK
dedarea himself a disciple of GORKY.
!!< is seven, and began to write four
years ago. His realistic pictures of the
horrors of nursery life, particularly of
the oppression of arrogant grown-ups.
and his satires on the gross favouritism
shown to children under one year, arc
the result of direct observation. The
second of a trilogy of novels from his
pen, dealing with the epic of the Child
and entitled " Teething," is announced
for immediate publication.
From" tt.A.K." (Mainly About KiJ),
April 1, 1910.
Mr. JACK HOWLER is a singer who
possesses a voice of singular beauty and
expression. He is now fotir years of
age, and first began to sing before he
was three months old. At that time
lie was studying with his father, and
much of his practising was done during
the night time. It is doubtful, however,
whether Mr. HOWLER, Sen., while fully
appreciating the breadth and range of
Ins son's organ, was at the time
quite alive to its great and wonderful
cliarm.
From "M.A.K.," April 1, 1926.
The new Academician, who is best
known fur his delightful My Lady's
Perambulator, and exquisite View of
Coal Scuttle looking East, first attracted
attention by a brilliant impressionist
sketch on his mother's drawing-room
wall.
I-'i-jm the "Nurtrry Xeirf," April I, 1!):!('.
KKSSINCJTOS GARDENS DIVISION ELECTION.
Our corres|xmdent writes, "The
elect ion is likely to be closely contested.
At last night's meeting Mr. TOOTSICUM,
the Liberal candidate, appealed to his
fellow kids on the ground that since his
birth f> years ago he had lived much of
Ins time in the constituency. The
Venerable J. M. BAHRIE, in supporting,
said that he had had great pleasure in
watching Mr. TOOTSKTM'S career from
the bottle to the booth. Mr. TOOTS KIM
iu his election address ex presses himself
as a supjx>rter of the Better Control of
Nursemaids (Policemen) Bill. The Con-
servative candidate declines to pledge
himself to any such proposed legislation,
but says he is willing to extend his
support to any well-considered measure
SENDING-IN" DAY.
INDIOO BROWN TAKES ms PICTURE, ENTITLED " PEACE AND COMFORT," TO THE R.A. HIMSELF, AS
UK SAYS, " THOSE PICTURE CARTS ARE CERTAIN TO SCRATCH IT," ASP, WITH THE ASSISTANCE OK ms
CABBY, ADDS THE FINISHING TOUCHES os ni.s WAY THERE !
dealing with the problem of Local
Option in connection with the Babies'
Bed Hour."
From the "Mail Cart," April 1, 1916.
What is likely to prove the most un-
popular Budget of many years was
introduced yesterday. The Sugar Tax,
affecting as it will the price of sweets,
is one which cannot too strongly be
deprecated. We trust that our
representatives in the House will do
their utmost to have this iniquitous
impost withdrawn. If the tax is
suffered to pass, there will go up from
the nurseries of England a howl which
all the soothing of all the grown-ups in
the world will not silence. Let the
Government then beware of Stretching
too far the patience of long-suffering
British kids !
From tlie " lialy-in-Army Gazette" Ap. 1, 1956
The new officer commanding the Life
Guards (Little Boy) Blue is Colonel
BATTLEDORE. Born eight and a-half
years ago, he early distinguished himself
in encounters with the wild street
Arabs, and for his services received the
D.S.O. (Dad's Slipper Order). He is
firmly opposed to flogging on the part of
seniors, and ir.ay be trusted to stamp
out from the Regiment any practices of
the kind which may have prevailed
prior to his coming.
THERE is not much difference between
an epigram and an epitaph. An
epigram says unkind and true things
about the living the epitaph says kind
and untrue things about the dead.
VOL cxxiv.
218
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AraiL 1, 1903.
THE INTRUSIONS OF P*.***.
'Tis said there's nothing in a name ;
It furnishes no clue to nature ;
A rose, in fact, would smell the same
By any other nomenclature ;
Yet there are some that so convey
The man himself and all his works,
One sees his image clear as day
And such is P**.
Though to my naked eye unknown,
I picture him alert, defiant ;
My mind from just his name alone
Instinctively constructs a giant ;
NAPOLEON'S force and WESLEY'S fire,
A brain like BRIOHT'S, a tongue like BUKKE'S-
All gifts, I tell myself, conspire
To make a P**.
Dazed by the letters five that burn
Like beacons down my daily paper,
I find his form at every turn
Cutting some fresh heroic caper;
Our hopes above, and under, ground,
The anise alike of tubes and kirks
Our very life revolves around
The pose of P*
Like Atlas, on his Liberal head
He bears the Empire's awful burdens ;
'Tis his to urge towards the goal
Those feet that dally at the Durdans ;
By his good pen the word was writ :
" Off with the Irish bond that irks ! "
And Surrey's Nonconformist split
Was due to P** 5 " 5 .
His is the high controlling hand
That guides our young Imperial legions,
Uprears a new Aquarium and
Electrifies the lower regions ;
Fearless to hunt the flying heels
Of bishops, infidels, and Turks,
He is our coming god on wheels,
Our peerless P***.
There are who say the Tories' knell
Had long ago been clearly sounded,
Only the Other Thing would spell
Confusion rather worse confounded ;
Under correction 1 would give
The answer even ROSEBEKY shirks
I say the sound alternative
Is simply P***.
0. S.
POOH-POOHRI FROM A SURREY BACK GARDEN.
THE appearance of my third volume of gossip about my
garden (and other things too numerous to mention) has
been so kindly received by the Press that I gladly accept
Mr. Punch's invitation to begin yet another in his hospitable
pages. After all, why should I stop at three volumes?
Why should there not be a fourth and a fifth? Why,
indeed, should I ever stop at all? There is no valid reason
why this kind of thing should not go on to infinity. Like
Tit Bits very like, some people say my volumes of Pooh-
Poohri may go on for ever. With this brief paragraph by
way of preface, I plunge at once into my subject (whatever
that may be).
The daisy (Bellis perennis) is just beginning to flower in
my garden. It is a common flower in many parts of
England. It should not be confounded with the small
celandine, which it in no way resembles. Daisies may be
sown in the Autumn or they may not. In either case they
will come up on the lawn in the Spring. Spring is with us
now in Surrey (and elsewhere), and the lush water meadows
are full of Marigoldia palustris, Pocula regia, and Butter-
i-npliia common or gardtana, while beautiful specimens of
Superbia Londinensis adorn the flower beds of careful
gardeners. How romantic the Latin names of flowers are !
They lend a dignity to even the humblest species !
A good way to cook potatoes is to place them in water
with a little salt and boil them till they are soft. This
novel recipe was given me by a lady I met last year in
Balham. I have not seen her since.
Many people who are addicted to gardening suffer from
black and discoloured nails. Several remedies have been
suggested to me for this, but perhaps on the whole the best
is to wash them.
A good way to cure a headache is to stand on your head
in a corner for ten minutes. If you can go to sleep in that
posture, so much the better. This treatment has also been
found advantageous in cases of rheumatism and affections
of the bronchial tubes.
I cannot allow my new volume to appear without devoting
fifty pages or so to advocating vegetarianism. If persisted
in it will entirely prevent that feeling of fulness after meals
which is one of the most distressing features of Eupepsia.
As my friend Dr. BLOCCINS has said no vegetarian ever
eats enough to feel full. Indeed, he has no temptation to
do so.
Yesterday I went with a friend to Goring in order to see
a noted herd of Jersey bulls. The owner, unhappily, was
away from home, so we had to return without seeing them.
But the circumstance is worth recording on account of its
intrinsic interest.
I have just finished Mr. JONES'S book on Mar;/, Queen
of Scots. Poor woman, what a troubled life she had !
Fotlieringhay, I notice, should be spelt with two h's.
FiioriiF. spelt it with only one. How like him !
To bake apples, select the required number and then
place them in the oven. When they are done, take them
out.
A friend writes to me from Han well that the walls of the
institution in which she is confined are quite covered with
Honisucklia iipicnxis in full flower. She has also observed
more than one specimen of the Dandeleo vulgaris in the
grounds. I have had quite a number of communications
from other inmates, to which I shall refer in this or subse-
quent volumes.
August is the season for the C!not>t'lierri gigdntica or
Meetstreetiana. It begins to appear early in the month,
and should be permitted to grow gradually, a quarter of an
inch a day. By the 30th it will measure a foot in diameter.
To-day I distinctly heard the note of the golden-crested
Water-Wagtail (PfetlowwJa movieaudata) in my shrubbery.
The housemaid heard it too. But the cook said it was a
pheasant.
The sunflowers are now (January) in full bloom in my
garden, which only shows what a perfectly wonderful
garden it is ! And all done by kindness ! I cannot think
why other people don't grow sunflowers. Their seeds are
greatly appreciated in Russia. Pigs may be fed 011 their
leaves. And I see no reason why paper might not be manu-
factured out of their stalks if somebody would find out how.
But English gardeners are so blind to their real interests !
To make nettle-tea pick all the nettles you can find (or,
better, get someone else to do so), add a pinch of Plasmon
and simmer for a fortnight.
(The. Editor decline* lo pr'/nl any iuorc.~)
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APRIL 1, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
221
A BIRD'S EYE VIE\V.
["It i* stati-d that Mr. Wn.suN. Srcn-tary for
Ajjrii'iilnirr in J'rrsidrnt HIKISKVKLT'S Caliinrt.
is experimenting with :i view to obtaining a
bri'i-d of buld fowls." Daily Paper.]
THIS must be gtx,d news for American
journalists. If the gentleman succeeds
in producing the unhappy breed he
threatens, ihr American journals will of
course treat the matter as follows:
A NEW FOWL.
THE SUCRE I-AIIY WILSON BREED.
As BALD AS A POLITICIAN.
Special Interview with the Bird.
A Neics reporter heard yesterday of
a new kind of fowl. It was understood
that Secretary - for - Agriculture - WILSON
was responsible. Upon application to
the Department the News man was
referred to the bird. It was clucking
in a cage on top of a pile of pamphlets
relating to the state of corn in Missouri.
Even there the bird didn't look happy.
The reporter looked at the bird. It
clucked as much to remark : " Say
ain't this too bad of WILSON ? 'Spose
you ain't got any hair-restorer handy ?
No nor a wig neither? Reckon I feel
just cheap." And it cocked its eye at
the reporter, looking just like a
Tammany jxilitician on the stump.
That bird with the high forehead won't
do. It don't look big enough to
masquerade as a vulture, and there 's a
prejudice in favour of fowls with their
hair on. So what 's the use?
CHARIVARIA.
FOLLOWING on the news that proceed-
ings have been instituted by Belgian
representatives against Captain GUY
BURROWS on account of alleged libels in
his book, The Curse of Central Africa,
comes the announcement that the
Russian Government are about to take
steps against the publishers of a certain
popular Natural History which contains
the statement that " the upright position
is unnatural to a Bear."
Mr. MORGAN has at List become the
victim of too much trust. He is stated
to have been duped by the famous Paris
art forgers.
Meanwhile suspicion is the order of
the day in Paris, and doubts are even
entertained as to the Portrait of Ttem-
liraiiilt, by Himself, in the Louvre.
Such fears are, however, groundless.
We have seen the picture, and he is
undoubtedly by himself.
In these days of heavy taxation com-
plaints are heard that Great Britain
should continue to maintain diplomatic
THE SERVANT QUESTION.
"On, I SAT, 'AVE YOU SEEN TOE FAPEBS ABOUT 'SHALL WE DO WITHOUT SERVANTS?' I sum -n>
LIKE TO SEE 'EM THY, THAT'S ALL ! "
" YUS, AND ME TOO ! "
representatives at petty Principalities
such as Darmstadt. It is forgotten that
we must have someone there for the
Germans to insult when we are at war
with somebody else.
As regards the outcry over the little
Brodricks in South Africa, it is only fair
to the Secretary of State for War to
point out that it was foretold long ago
that our new Colonies would form a
splendid nursery for our army.
We are requested to state, in order to
avoid confusion, that Mr. PERKS of the
Daily Mail has no connection with Mr.
Mioos of the Pall Mall Gazette.
A pparently Miss ELLEN TERRY did not
approve of If I were King. She is to
produce a play the title of which asks
the question Vikings.
The Stock Exchange walking-match
from London to Brighton promises to
be a big affair. It is realised that the
practice may one day prove invaluable
to a defaulting broker.
It is rumoured that swagger canes
are to be abolished in the Guards.
A Russian newspaper declares that
England is actively preparing for war
against Germany and Russia. The
name of the paper is the Kusski Li-stok.
A newspaper announces that the
Japanese play to be produced in the
Autumn at His Majesty's Theatre will
be " in every respect the heaviest pro-
duction yet undertaken by Mr. TREE."
Mr. HALL CAINE is said to be furious at
this slur on The Eternal City.
" I FEAR no foe in shining armour,"
sang the man at the concert.
" Don't you, old chap ? " grumbled i lie
bachelor in the front row. "Then you
try and open a sardine tin with a
pocket-knife."
" WHAT an awful voice that man 's
got ! " said the Manager, who was listen-
ing to the throaty tenor.
"Call that a voice," said his friend;
" it 's a disease ! "
222
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 1, 1903.
A SPORTING OFFER.
MR. JOHN MURRAY lias unearthed fourteen additional
stanzas, being the beginning of a supplementary canto, of
BYRON'S Don Juan. Like a good deal of Don Juan they
are extremely poor stuff. Mr. Punch would be happy to
supply the remainder of the missing canto on extremely
moderate terms if Mr. MURRAY is inclined to bid. A specimen
is subjoined :
When I have nothing specially to say,
No view to urge, anarchic or subversive,
No tale to tell fit for romantic lay,
My Muso inevitably grows discursive ;
I range abroad and let my fancy play
Round every theme. And I should do it worse if
I hadn't hit upon this ambling metre
To clothe my jibes and make the stuff look neater.
My Muse, grown garrulous, turns here and there
As suits her taste. I don't attempt to stop her.
Her methods are peculiar, I 'm aware,
Her subjects, 1 am told, not always proper.
But if I ever tried to trim or pair
Her stanzas I should only come a cropper.
Besides, this sort of thing is bought and read
By many, so I let her have her head.
The moralist declares : " Nemo repente
Fult turpissimus," and I concur.
I wrote much better stuff when I was twenty,
But I am lazier now and I prefer
To turn out stanzas, calamo currente,
On things in general. Many men aver
That verse like this, as far as writing goes,
Is just as easy to produce as prose !
I know my rhymes are harsh, my measure rough,
That half my stanzas are not much to boast of,
That t'other half are but indifferent stuff
Compared, my Muse, with other works thou know'st of;
But I am very sure they 're good enough
For my good readers (whom I have a host of).
In fact, they 're widely quoted by the noodles
Who spend their lives at BROOKS'S and at_BooDLE's.
&c., &c., &c.
PASHLEY'S OPINIONS.
No. II.
I 'M all for keeping up our old English sports and all
that. What 's the use of running down horse-racing and
skittles and air-gun shooting and coddam and billiards ?
None whatever, as far as I can see. People will have them,
and you 've just got to give in to it whether you like it or
not. I was talking to GAMBLE the other day about this very
thing. GAMBLE'S father was a grocer in a pretty good way
of business, a near neighbour of ours in the old days before
we moved to Peckham. Young GAMBLE he 's old GAMBLE
now, but I call him young to distinguish him from his
father, who 's dead young GAMBLE married a tidy bit of
money, and set up for himself as a provision merchant and
general purveyor in the Brompton Road. Many 's the joke
we used to have together years ago when we were both
boys. He used to call me Shovel and Tongs, but I flatter
myself I got even with him the day I called him Little Oil
and Colourman right in front of SALLY CRUMP, who after-
wards became Mrs. GAMBLE. SALLY laughed, and GAMBLE
was cuts with me for about a week, but he 's a good-natured
forgiving sort of chap, and the day he was married lie said
to me, "Josn, old boy," he said, " I feel as if I 'd got wings.
You may call me an Italian Warehouseman if you like, and
I won't even offer to knock your crooked old nose out
through the back of your head." When a man talks like
that you always know ho feels things pretty deeply.
GAMBLE stuck to the old dissenting line and Radicalism,
but I 'm for standing by a man no matter what his religious
and political views may be. He 's got on pretty well, too,
and they tell me he 's well in the running for Mayor of his
Borough Council. The present Mayor is Major HICKSON,
who used to be in the Artillery Company. Well, GAMBLE
and I were talking about sport not long ago, and he was all
for doing away with racing and betting and drinking in
public-houses. I took him up there at once :
" GAMBLE," I said, " you may try till you 're blue in the
face, but you mark my words : you '11 never make men sober
by Act of Parliament."
I never saw a man so taken aback in my life but, of
course, though GAMBLE 's good enough in his way, he doesn't
move in very intellectual circles, and he can't be expected to
understand the way things are done.
Anyhow, I 'm fond of a bit of sport, and I don't mind
admitting it. The Derby, or a football match, or the Boat-
race, it 's all one to me. Sport 's sport all the world over,
and there 's this about it too : it wouldn't go on long if the
public didn't support it and go and look on at it. I 'm not
much of a boat-racer myself, though I have been out in a
pleasure-boat at Richmond one of those days when they had
fireworks and a river fete there, and I reckon one boat 's
much like another -when you 're once inside of it. Still,
I 'm sure boatracers ought to be supported, otherwise there
wouldn't be so much about them in the papers every
morning, so I made up my mind to run down to Putney one
day last week to have a look at the Oxford and Cambridge
College chaps making ready for the race. There was a big
crowd hanging about in front of their boathouses when I
got there, and a fellow with a blue guernsey on was telling
another with a yachting-cap on the back of his head what
he thought about the race.
"There's only one in it," he said, "and they know it
theirselves. Why, they Ve took the Oxford coxswain twice
over the course to-day, and you know as well as I do what
that means. You can't go agin it."
1 was just going to ask him to explain when I saw the
eight Oxforders come down the steps of their boathouse,
and two or three policemen came along with a " Stand back
there, stand back! " so as to make us give them room to
bring their racing punt out. I stepped back pretty brisk
so as not to give any extra trouble, when I found I was
stepping on the toes of someone behind me, a big man in
corduroy trousers and a moleskin cap.
' 'Ere, I say, stow it," he cried out, " I ain't an automatic
weighing machine, and anyway it 's more "n a penny job
for a man o' your weight."
It was a vulgar remark, but it 's no use making a row in
a crowd if you can help it, so I merely turned round and
smiled at the fellow. This gentlemanly behaviour seemed
to redouble hLs anger.
"Ho," he said, in a sneering way, "I see what it is.
You 're a travellin' post-office, you are, with that mouth o'
yourn slit wide open, ^ 7 ery kind of the Postmaster-General,
I 'm sure. Blest if I don't post a letter to my gal in your
mouth," and with that he pulled a dirty bit of paper out
of his trousers pocket and forced it into" my mouth. This
was more than flesh and blood could stand.
"Policeman," I said.
" What 's up ? " said the policeman.
" I want to give this man in charge."
" What for?" said the policeman.
" For posting a letter in my mouth." I didn't mean to
say it in that way, but the words popped out before I had
time to think.
APRIL 1, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIARI VAIII,
223
x '- X. - ', _ -
,- .Visa Dcra (to Major PuHcr irfco i p/ai/mg an important Match, and l,a just Zost /.is 6a). "On, MAJOR, DO COME AND TAKK YOUB
'HORRID BALL AWAY FROM MY LITTLE Doo. v HE WON'T LET ME TOUCH IT, AND I KNOW HE MUST BE BCININO HIS TEF.TU !
" Don't you give me any o' your lip," was all the answer I
got. "Stand back there, stand Lack !" and thereupon lie
shoved mo insolently back into the crowd.
I went away at once, of course, and wrote to the Chief
Commissioner of Police. I shall insist on the man's dismissal.
A ROUNDEL OF FOLLY'S KALENDS.
Aim., the first of the months of sweet Spring,
Conies to us all for its beauties athirst ;
Hail to its joys ! of which brightly you bring,
April, the first.
Too long, stern Winter, you grumbled 'and cursed.
llenee ! and give plaee to glad birds on the wing
Let the young hawthorn and lilac-buds burst.
Thus, as aside awhile wisdom we fling,
i With dull monotony often rehearsed),
Let us crown Folly this one day as king
April the first.
SERIOUS CiiAiiiit: uiuxsr A CHILD. By an error in filling in
a schedule of previous convictions, a burglar was charged at
Edinburgh with having been engaged in his professional
duties at the age of two, and it would have gone hard with
him had not his one-time nurse come forward and deposed
that, though a line child, and remarkably heavy for his age,
he had never been known to crack his crib. Valuable
evidence was also given by his schoolmaster, showing that
prii-oner had in his youth been extremely fond of c-ribs. The
charge was finally dismissed.
ANTIQUARIAN NOTES.
[' Mummies are now manufactured in Paris, and are sent to Egypt
to be 'naturalised,' before being re-shipped for the European market."
linily Paper.]
THE large hoard of Roman coins, bearing the legend
"Bona Spes," with the initials "J. 0." (doubtless JULIUS
CACSAR), which recently came to light at Birmingham, has
been temporarily buried at Silehester, in order that the
pieces niay acquire the requisite patina. It is understood
that the Early English oak furniture discovered the other
day in Wardour Street has already had a fortnight's sojourn
in a North of England Manor House, and only requires a
few more volleys of small-shot to render it worthy the atten-
tion of connoisseurs.
The bust of Ariadne which was found in Kensington is
stated to be greatly improved by its six months' submersion
in the sea off the island of Naxos.
We hear that Mr. FAKEHLEY, the eminent copyist, has
just completed another Romney. He is now restoring it,
preparatory to losing it in the lumber room.
The pre-historic Man in the British Museum having
naturally excited the cupidity of all those who are desirous
of enshrining some really recherche object in their own
homes, an enterprising firm have arranged for the exclusive
use of the celebrated bone cave of La Madeleine in the
Department of the Dordogne, and hope shortly'to be in a
position to cope with the demand for this class of antique.
Early application, specifying whether a dolichocephalous or
other specimen is desired, shoxild be made to B. SNATCHER
& Co., St. Paul's Churchyard.
224
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 1, 1903.
1953. A RETROSPECT.
[The Outlook recently published a letter deal-
ing with the present " remarkable move Canada-
wards," and dwelling on the prospects open to
emigrants in the Saskatchewan valley.]
LONG since in far Saskatchewan
(I humbly trust that word will scan)
There lived an enterprising man.
He used to dwell with some dexterity
Upon the region's great prosperity,
And much of what he said was verity.
He stated that this Eldorado
He used the word without bravado
Knew neither tempest nor tornado.
There was no deadly secret wire
To rouse the gentle Nimrod's ire,
And leave him sprawling in the mire.
Alas, that things should thus befall !
Sportsmen and farmers heard his call,
And emigrated one and all ;
And now^mr rural districts are a
Sort of a desert like Sahara,
And empty as the Halls of Tara.
Therefore I do not like the plan
Of that far too seductive man
Who dwelt in fair Saskatchewan.
QUEER CALLINGS.
IV. THE RELIC HUNTER.
WE found Mr. ALBERT CHIFFONIER in
his comfortable offices, busily engaged in
sorting out some of his recent acquisi-
tions.
"I have made some interesting addi-
tions to my collection lately," he said,
" but it is impossible to keep anything
very long. Purchasers throng my doors,
especially Americans. Had you come
yesterday I could have shown you the
last string from Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S eye-
glass, but Mr. PIERPONT MORGAN pur-
chased it by telegram this morning.
However, I have the refusal of the next
the present one when it is worn
out."
We expressed our sorrow.
"Ah," he said with genuine feeling,
"it was a real treasure; not a unique,
but a very rare article."
"How did you come to go into this
line of business ? " we asked.
" Well," he said, " I noticed a growing
interest in curiosities connected with
persons of eminence, and a correspond-
ing lack of opportunity of acquiring
them. Autograph letters, yes ; but
nothing else, nothing really personal
and intimate such as bootlaces, buttons,
stumps of pencils, bus tickets, cigarette
ends. I therefore determined to fill the
vacancy, and here 1 am with as exten-
sive a clientele as QfARrrcii. Perhaps
you would like," he continued, "to see
my new Catalogue ? It will be pub-
lished next week."
We glanced at the proofs which he
offered us. Here are some of the
items :
Pen with which Mr. A. B. WALKLEY
(the Man of rosse) reported on The
Princess's Nose. 5
Pencil from Mr. CAVENDISH'S plan-
chette. Very rare. 4
Husk of a Cape gooseberry eaten by
Mr. CHAMBERLAIN at Graaff Reinet. 25s.
Lark, stuffed, which inspired the
Poet Laureate in his great poem "The
lark went up." 6s. 8d.
Tumbler (with dregs) from which
Mr. BECKETT refreshed himself during
his speech on the Army Estimates. 10s.
Broken sprocket pinion from Mr.
KIPLING'S motor car, mounted as a
paper-weight. 35s.
"Do you mind putting your initials
on the proof?" said Mr. CHIFFONIER,
handing us a gold style as he spoke.
We appended our modest symbol.
"Thank you," he replied. "My next
catalogue will contain the lines ' Proof
sheet initialled by Mr. Pwnc/i,10 10s.' "
CAUTIONS FOR APRIL 1.
CIRCUMSPECTION is always advisable ;
but on All Fools' Day above all others
it behoves one to walk warily, to look
out for pitfalls, and to take everything
cum c/rano. Mr. Punch, therefore, feels
bound to issue the following warn-
ings :
Do not place implicit reliance on the
Weather Forecast for the day ; remem-
ber it is always April the First with the
Meteorological authorities, and to-day
they are likely to be more so than usual.
Do not believe what the papers say
about the Boat Race. Go and see the
result for yourself, and make quite sure
that Cambridge are not wearing Dark
Blue for a change and in celebration of
the date. You might go very politely to
the Light Blue Stroke (that is, the one
who sits next to the helmsman) and ask
him if he is or was a passenger in the
Cantab craft. You should keep a good
oar's length off while awaiting his
reply.
You had better not travel first-class
with a third-class ticket to-day. The
joke, if detected, is almost sure to be
taken in bad part by the Railway
Company's inspector.
Beware of the first cigar that may be
offered you in a friendly way, as it might
explode on being lit. Put it in your
pocket instead, and take one or two
more out of your friend's case. This
will minimise the risk.
Steer clear of Picture Puzzles this
week. There is here a large field in
which your leg may be pulled. What
is the use of gaining a Thousand a Week I
for Life, and having your understanding j
permanently dislocated ?
Regard with suspicion any rumours
that the cuckoo has just been heard in
a suburban back-garden, that the late
lamented Jingo has turned into a sea-
serpent, that the British tax-payer is
going to have any appreciable remission,
and that the Opposition, if they got
into power, would run the Empire any
more cheaply than the present Govern-
ment, supposing there was any Empire
left to run.
LOVE AND COURTSHIP.
(At they appear from certain Answers
to Correspondents.)
V ANITAS. You are not bound to tell
him. If the bright golden colour of
your naturally dark hair is due to the
excellent preparation recommended in
another column, and he tells you he
does not admire dark girls, why not
keep on ? The bottles are really quite
cheap at nineteen and eleven. Of
course, if it weighs upon your con-
science, you might give him a hint, but
he will probably talk about deceit, and
behave in the brutally outspoken male
manner so many readers complain of.
AMELIA. Have you not been rather
indiscreet ? You should never let him
see you cry before you are married.
Afterwards it has its uses.
BLANCHE AMORY. Cheer up. As you
very cleverly put it, history does repeat
itself. You are now once more in a posi-
tion to undertake a further instalment of
Mes Larmes. No. We are overstocked
with poetry. The man, of course, is
beneath contempt.
Two STRINGS. Your fiance must be
a perfect Othello. It is, as you justly
remark, monstrous that lie should object
to your cousin seven times removed
taking you to the theatre once or twice
a week. Of course he is a relative.
SwEET-AND-TwENTY. Your remarks
about tastes in common are perfectly
correct. So long as you both collect
post-cards you will always be able to
give pleasure to each other at a distance.
BUSINESS GIRL. If you have found
out that he only gave twenty-five pounds
for your engagement ring, it may be,
as you shrewdly observe, that he has a
contract with the tradesman for a
periodical supply of such articles. The
fact that his income is under a
hundred a year makes it only the more
probable that he would adopt such an
arrangement for economy's sake. Be
very careful.
PmT-SiNG. Your only course is to
box his ears. Let us know how you
get on.
BELI.ONA. Sorry to disappoint you,
but this is not the placs to describe
the undress uniform of the Grenadier
Guards.
APRIL 1, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
225
TO THE SOLDIER TIRED.
MY TOMKINS ! why sheathe your invincible steel,
And return to an era of prose?
You were eloquent once on your country's Appeal
And the need of repelling her foes ;
Yon established it clear that your natural sphere
Was the region of battles and blood ; .
But your ardour for gore would appear to be o'er
As you think that you're out of the wood.
I hive you wholly forgot how you glorified Force
With an air that was martial and stern?
How yon drilled and you shot; how you rode on a horse
(Or e.\ pressed an intention to learn)?
How you went into Camp, and were hungry and damp
(Which was all for your ultimate good)?
How von slept, in a tent till your ardour was spent,
Anil you thought you were out of the wood?
You would prate by the yard in the stress of the storm
On the need of Machinery New,
And you bored me to death with your Army Reform
And the things Mr. BiiODRiCK should do:
But a slump, I presume, has come after the Boom,
As an ebb will succeed to a flood,
And you '11 alter the caps of your Army perhaps,
'Tis enough, when you 're out of the wood.
Oh, the helmet you wore is replaced on its rack,
And the sword 's in its scabbard again,
And you do not discourse on a Frontal Attack
With the persons you meet in the train.
Hut you solace your soul with the Oaf at the goal,
And applaud the disgusting display
Of the Fool at the crease (he 's the hero of peace),
In your ancient ridiculous way !
Yet remember once more, ere your weapons you drop,
And desist from your efforts to kill
There are parties abroad with an eye on your shop
And the cash that you keep in the till ;
For the change in your mien that I 've recently seen
Has an ending regrettably plain :
Though pacific your mood, as you 're clear of the wood,
You '11 be in it, my TOMKINS, again !
OF INTERNATIONAL INTEREST.
IN a recent number (March 19) of the 'Boulogne Times we
read
" There is to be a Calvacade next Sunday afternoon on the occasion
of Mid-Lent and from what we hear it is likly to be well worth seeing."
Accidents will happen, even among the best regulated
international compositors.
'Then the following item of news in the same paper
" The Rev. (accompanied by his daughters) is leaving on a visit
to his old haunts at Klit-ims for a few weeks, but hopes to return by
Easter."
'Amu*, 'earing this read aloud, exclaimed, "What an
ignoramus ! What 's he put ' h ' in before ' aunts ' for ?
And," added 'AiiRY, "who cares if the reverend gent did
go and visit 'is old aunts."
In the same paper is announced the appearance on the
scene (French coast) of a new watering-place or " Inter-
national Pleasure Resort" in which, under the name of
" Le Touquet," we recognise our old friend of many years
ago, yclept " Mayville," adjoining "Paris-Plage." This
was to have been the most fashionable of all Internationa]
Resorts for summer and winter on the "Pas de Calais"
coast. Mr. Winn.Y, founder of the successful Karl's Court
REVISION.
B-A-T? BAT.
C-A-T? CAT.
H-A-T? BONSET!
Exhibition, and his ally, Mr. H. P. STONEHAM, are, as it
here appears, offering to lovers of sport and searchers after
healthful amusement such attractions as rival resorts will
find it uncommonly hard to beat. What is not offered there
in the way of exercise, sport, and amusement of all sorts by
day and night, including sea fishing and river fishing, will,
evidently, not be worth mentioning. There is to be a rail-
way from htaples, on the Paris-Boulogne line, to convey the
eager traveller, express pace, right away down to the sea
front, where all the blandishments Messrs. WHITLY and
STONEHAM can employ will induce him to prolong his stay.
Why, what a treat it would be at any time to see an
" uninterrupted West Frontage three miles in length
embracing Le Touquet Woods!" There's a picture for
you ! The charming Mile. West Frontage embracing the
somewhat shy Monsieur Le Touquet Woods ! And when is
this Paradisiacal Plage to be ready? Le Touquet, "equi-
distant from London, Paris, and Brussels," is "in its
infancy," but this summer its growth will be, so 'tis
announced, considerably developed. The scheme, en atten-
dant, has Mr. Punch's best wishes, it being certain that
some new seaside resort abroad, which should be in every
way a thorough change, yet within easy distance of London,
would be heartily welcomed by a vast majority in the brief
holiday time at their disposal.
DURING the trial of the Parisian " Flower Medium," as
lately reported, one of the witnesses called for the defence,
a certain Professor SELLIN (a name rather suggestive, in
English, of a practical joker), described as a "venerable"
scientist seventy years old, quoted the opinions of the r
philosopher KANT as to spiritualistic probabilities and possi-
bilities. Just so: but very dangerous ground, as if you
begin with Kaut you are not unlikely to end with Humbug.
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AntiL 1, 1003.
THE ENGLISH RECRUIT, OR, "LITTLE BRODRICK" QUESTION.
(It is stated that nearly all (lie rca'itttx ni (lux Country are barely up to (lie "5 feet 3 inches standard '," while on the Indian Frontier
the " average man " ?8 8t
LITERS HUMANIORES.
[Mr. STEAD'S scheme for civilising London,
published in the March Review of Rcr'n'ii-s,
includes the establishment of " a human
library." " Copious descriptive catalogues of
persons willing to be lent for a meal, for an
evening, or for a week-end, will be issued
periodically." In one of these " human
libraries ' our Prophetic Phonograph lias re-
corded the following scraps of dialogue :]
"WELT,, it's very annoying I've
haclJMr. STARKI.ER down on my list for
some weeks, and you say he 's still out !
. . . no, a second-hand copy won't do
at all ; I want something quite new
. . . Mr. J. ESTER ? Why, everyone
knows him by heart . . . Oh, new and
revised edition, is it? Are you certain
he's only just published? . . . Very
well, you can send him . . . Something
humorous, Sir? Let me see, Mr.
BONMOT has a great circulation, and
there's a steady demand for Miss
GIGGLES . . . Oh, I beg your pardon,
Sir ; I did not understand that it was
for a smoking-room . . . we're just
issuing Colonel RCBIOOND in scarlet
cloth . . . yes, we'll guarantee that
he'll keep awake till two in the morn-
ing . . . Madame CHOSE, eh ? Got any
reviews of her ? . . . Um ; ah ; I see
. . . piqnantc and all that, but for my
daughters, you know . . . Miss P. LATI-
K in;, strongly bound in calico . . . ah,
that 's better ; send her by tea-time,
please . . . not at all what I expected
. . . not your fault ? Rubbish, you
distinctly told me that Mr. OLDSTAGER'S
reminiscences were fresh and entertain-
ing . . . the Duchess oame that night,
and she went to sleep before we 'd got
to the end of his first chapter ! . . .
Really thrilling, is he? Because if
this Mr. SCALLYWAG is like the tilings
you 've sent me lately, I shall have to
drop my subscription . . . just finished
five years' penal servitude? . . . Yes,
that scunds quite delightful, only mind
you send him, and not something else
instead . . . Pay a fine? Why? . . .
all damage done to bindings must be
made good ? I 'm sure his dress clothes
were just like that when he came and
if my Lutler did upset a claret-decanter
over him, it wasn't mij fault ! . . .
Obliged to stick to our rules, Sir. You
should not have returned Mr. SOKCR in
that state. He 's laid on the shelf com-
pletely, and we shan't be able to issue
him again for a week or more . . . no,
Madam, we cannot permit you to retain
Mr. NIMBUS after the time allowed
. at least a dozen of our subscribers
have him down on their lists ... I
got your note, asking for the imme-
diate return of Mr. STUMPKU but we
can't find him. I fancy the Admiral
put him in the coal-cellar, or the duck-
pond, or somewhere . . . no, it 's your
fault, entirely ; I asked you for some-
tiling political for the Admiral, and you
knew his views ... if you choose to
send this Mr. STUMPER -who 's a kind of
socialistic tract you must take the con-
sequences ! And he 's only mislaid
not really lost. . . . oh, Mr. SAMPLER, so
glad to meet you you 're a critic, and
you can tell me what to put down on
my list . . . precious little but rubbish
published nowadays ; what were you
thinking of taking ? . . . no ; I can't
recommend Miss SNOOKS ; no form, no
finish, no construction, you know ! . . .
for a railway journey ? ah, well, she
might do for that . . . yes, LAVIXIA, one
has to be very careful in these days . . .
I thought Iruri'lf! were quite safe, but I
took out Mr. GADABOUT last week, and
some of his stories . . . my nephew DICK
is inclined to be ilighty, as you say.
I 'm sending him down, for his week-
end, a pleasant surprise two political
economists and an Archdeacon and I
hope they '11 do him good ! "
1TXCH, OH TIIK I.ONhox CMAIMVAIM. Ami 1. 1903.
THE ROSEBERY SWORD-DANCE.
MR. PUNCH. "I K\o\V ME CAN DANCE, NO ONE BETTER. BUT I'M AFRAID THAT'S TEE
ONLY USE HE 'LL EVER MAKE OF THE SWORD."
APRII, 1, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
229
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, Ml'.
House of Commons, Monday, March 23.
'Twenty years ago the pleasant pre-
sence of ALBERT EDWARD, Prince of Wales,
was familiar in the seat over the clock
in the Peers' Gallery. In those days,
the Fourth Party being in its lusty
H.R.H. MAST-HEADED.
(The Pr-nce of W-l-s.)
primp, PARNELL and his merry men in
full swing, for dramatic scenes, quick
changes, unexpected results, the T.R.
Westminster beat all others whose doors
were then open. H.R.H. was in his
accustomed place on the famous
Wednesday afternoon when Mr. JOSEPH
Gii.i.m BIOGAR spied strangers, and the
heir to the Throne, in company with
the German Ambassador and other
dignitaries, was compelled to withdraw.
ALBERT EDWARD is now King EDWARD
THE SEVENTH, and there is another PRINCE
OF WALKS. Of late H.R.H. has displayed
interest in Parliamentary proceedings
even exceeding that of his Royal father.
In the Eighties, as hinted at, there was
something to see and hear from the
Peers' Gallery. To-day incident is rare ;
Irish humour takes the form either of
calling the COLONIAL SECRETARY a liar, or
of dancing up and down before Trea-
sury Bench shaking a fist at PRIME
MINISTER, and beseeching bystanders to
" let me at him," after the fashion of Mr.
NATHANIEL WINKLE on the eve of battle.
It is true there is what the LORD CHAN-
CELLOR would call ""a sort of" Fourth
Party. JOHN O'GoRsT, regarding it with
grandfalherly interest, mentally com-
paring it with the original, doesn't
think much of it.
Peculiarity of PRINCE OF- WALES'S visit
is choice of occasion. A sailor by pro-
fession and training, he naturally takes
interest in all connected with naval
matters. Marvel comes in at his patience
in voluntarily sitting through proceed-
ings whose dulncss gives headache to
the hardened Mace. Last Monday
remained mast-headed for three hours.
This afternoon, not arriving till four
o'clock, there was possible only an hour
of drear delight. By that time process of
exhaustion had worked its way; debate
collapsed, and Navy votes agreed to.
At no moment of sitting was a quorum
present. Members liriskly moved oil
when LOIIGH rose to move reduction of
number of men.
The overflowing LOUGH ! How wide
are the shores his waters lap ! This
afternoon RUNCIMAN, protesting against
proposal to cripple the Navy, and still
desirous as loyal Member of Opposition
to gird at Government, said his hon.
friend should leave the Navy alone,
turning his attention to wasteful expen-
diture on the Army. LOUGH by this time
pretty tough. Hasn't through ten years
confronted an iniquitous Government
without the gentler fibres of his nature
becoming hardened. But RUNCIMAN
touched him to the quick. Army Esti-
mates often on through past fortnight.
To suppose Member for Islington would
sit dumb through their discussion was
a difficult intellectual feat. Yet RUNCI-
MAN had accomplished it.
" You should have turned your atten-
tion to the Army."
"I did," said LOUGH, in a tone
wherein pained anguish mingled with
just indignation at the banality of a
man who supposed he would miss an
opportunity of delivering a speech.
Business done. Consolidated Fund
Bill read a first time.
House of Lords, Tuesday. " The
House of Ix>rds," said the MEMBER FOR
SARK, surveying the gilded Chamber
from Gallery over the Bar, " is more
than ever becoming a one-man place.
" We go on getting the Speaker out of the
Chair on Tuesday, and we hope to get him out
hv the end of the week."
(Mr. li-lf-r's Speech.)
Whilst the MAHKISS was still here there
were two. Now, as they sing with
reference to the Ten Little Niggers and
the six Army corps now there is one.
Only prospect of a speech from KOSKIIKUY
could fill this ordinarily empty Chamber.
Pity 'tis 3 'lis true. An over|xnvcring
personality, like an overwhelming Oppo-
sition, is a bad thing for a legislative
NOT QUITE WHAT HE ISTEXDED TO SAT.
" If I may say one more ridiculous thing than
another, Mr. Speaker, I er
(Sir Arth-r H-yt-r.)
Assembly. Now the MARKISS has gone,
the only Peer on Ministerial side who
can stand up and face ROSEUERY is the
LORD HIGH CHANCELJ.OR. He, alack ! is
handicapped by over-bearing sense of
semi-judicial position, and a constitu-
tional disinclination to take a Party
view of a public question."
When Lord ROSEDERY stood at Table
to move his resolution touching National
Defence, the scene was of a character
witnessed only once or twice in Session.
Benches on both sides full. As re-
gards the Opposition this of course a
comparative term. At best the muster
is scanty. Lord AVEBURY, thoughtful of
the smallest detail, divides his support.
His vote he gives to the Government
that placed a coronet on the head of
JOHN LUBBOCK ; his presence he contri-
butes to the quiet dignity of the Oppo-
sition side.
To-night, observing the disadvantage
of Opposition numbers displayed to
gaze of Peeresses in the side Gnllery,
he conceived and skilfully carried out a
delicate manoeuvre. It was not abso-
lutely original, being suggested to his
teeming mind by consideration of the
habits of the busy Le 1 . When ap-
pioa^hiug tin hive, this intelligent,
230
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 1, 1903.
industrious creature, instead o directly
entering the structure, hovers about it
in a moving swarm that to the casual
onlooker conveys a sense of at least
double number. Thus, whilst the Peers
assembled, settling for the most part in
the hive to the right of that Queen bee,
the LORD CHANCELLOR, AVEBUKY moved up
and down along the back benches to
the left with buzzing, bee-like movement.
Now above the Gangway, now crossing
behind Front Opposition bench, sud-
denly appearing below the Gangway,
always with a countenance of supernal
gravity, he managed to endow the
Opposition benches with an appearance
of bustling activity quite exhilarating.
Its effect, subtly conveyed, was seen
when, in course of his speech, ROSEBEBY
was able to contemplate the possibility
of noble Lorda on Front Opposition
bench some day finding themselves
strong enough to cross the floor and
turn out the present Government. It
is true the prospect was darkened by
the certainty that ere that epoch is
reached the present custodians of the
public purse will have extracted and
spent the ultimate threepenny bit. That
is a mere incident. What is noteworthy
and significant is that so shrewd an
observer, so accurate a judge of current
of political events, permitted himself to
contemplate a time when a body of
statesmen now, as division lists show,
in hopeless minority, will be reinstated
in power.
This was directly due to JOHN
LUBBOCK'S manoeuvre, his ingenious
device rising far beyond the ordinary
stage super's tactics in its effect of
almost crowding the Opposition Benches.
Business done. ROSEBERY moves
resolution demanding adjustment of
the National armament to the naval,
military and financial conditions of the
Empire. In course of speech generously
paid tribute to a much abused states-
man. " I believe the SECRETARY OF STATE
FOR WAR," he said, "to be a capable
and industrious Minister. I know him
to be industrious."
Charming discrimination between be-
lief and knowledge.
Friday night. Heard a good deal
lately of the Man in the Street ; com-
monly supposed to be of modern creation.
Find he is at least seventy years old.
Looking through Gi'eville's Memoirs,
came upon what is probably the first
reference to this potent influence in
British politics. Under date, March 20,
1831, being the eve of the division on
the Reform Bill, GREVILLE writes :
" Knowing as the man in the street as
we call him at Newmarket always does
the greatest secrets of kings, and being
the confidant of their most hidden
thoughts," &c.
Here is the origin of the now classic
phrase. The Man in the Street, the
subtle pervading power that represents
the common sense and intelligence of
the British Electorate, had his pro-
genitor in the Newmarket tout who
knows the potentiality of every horse in
and out of the running.
Business done. The Lords debate on
National Defence fizzled out.
THE LAST INSTANCE.
"THE journalistic profession," said
TEIIBIT, "is full of perils. Have you
heard about SMYTHE ? ' '
I said that I had not heard about
SMYTHE. TEBBIT needed no further
encouragement .
"It is my painful task to inform
you," he said, "that SMYTHE, though
still living in a sort of way, is for all
practical purposes no more. He is
going to be married."
" Married ! " I gasped. " SMYTHE !
The perfect bachelor, the chaffer at
Cupid, the mocker at matrimony, the
detester of domesticity ! Surely you are
thinking of another SMYTHE. You have
mistaken the name."
"No," said TEBBIT, "there is, alas,
no mistake. She is a Mrs. ROBINSON."
"Tell me all," I said. "What
were you saying about the perils of
journalism? "
And TEBBIT explained.
"SMYTHE," he said, "after roughing
it for four years at Oxford, came down
without, of course, the remotest notion
of what he intended to do for a living.
The Civil Service was out of the question.
SMYTHE was a man of parts, but his
talents did not lie in that direction.
Finally, after he had rejected the
Army as philistine and commerce as
bourgeois, he consented to a compro-
mise. He was to think the matter over,
and in the meanwhile to read for the
Bar.
"It was while he was reading for
the Bar at the Millennium Palace of
Varieties that he met a college
friend of his. Over a social beaker
they discussed the position. The friend
suggested that SMYTHE should take to
journalism. It was the finest profes-
sion in the world, he said. All that
you had to do was to write articles and
send them to different papers, and the
editors sent them back by return of
post. In fine, a game closely resembling
Ping-pong, only easier. A child of ten
could master it in five minutes.
" SMYTHE was immensely taken with
the idea. He became a journalist, and
shortly afterwards got the post of
' Aunt JANE ' on a paper called Tltc
Cosy Corner. His business was to
answer correspondence, much of which
dealt with the subject of proposals of
marriage. How should they be made ?
How should they be rejected ? "
"Well?" I said.
"Well," said TEBBIT, "for some time
these presented no difficulty to SMYTHE.
During his University career it had been
a sort of hobby of his to propose to at
least one of his partners at every dance
he attended. I remember once remon-
strating with him for this, as being
opposed to his known bachelor princi-
ples. But he replied, with some show
of reason, that as his personal appear-
ance was curious rather than striking
there was no danger, and it all helped
to make conversation. In this way he
had gathered some very useful facts
about the whole art of refusing a pro-
posal of marriage. As for the question
of how such proposals should be made,
he held definite views on the subject,
and his male correspondents never went
empty away.
" After a time it occurred to him that
it might be profitable if he collected
these fugitive papers, and published
them in book form. SPOOPENDYKE AND
BROWN took the book, paid him a
magnificent royalty, and asked for more.
He was to write a companion volume,
entitled More Refusals, on his own
terms. SMYTHE accepted the offer, drew
up a list of terms in a large and liberal
spirit, and set to work to collect ma-
terial.
" To all attempts on the part of his
friends to dissuade him he paid no
attention. You see he had been paid
in advance, and long since spent the
money. A week ago he told us that
one more instance would complete the
volume. He said he was detennined to
make it a good one. He was, in my
opinion, intoxicated with success. Other-
wise there is no accounting for his
criminal rashness in proposing to Mrs.
ROBINSON. We all did our best to save
him."
" Alas, poor SMYTHE ! " I sighed.
" And the most pitiful part of the
whole business," said TEBBIT, "is that
the unhappy man actually appears now
to enjoy his position. And" here
TEBBIT completely broke down "he
he 's threatened to send me a piece of
the wedding-cake ! "
ONCE you shake the tree of knowledge
you can't put the fruit back. This
cryptic utterance reads like an extract
from IBSEN. In reality it means that if
you knew what was going to happen
you would never let your wife learn
Bridge.
Obsequious Porter (to Enthusiastic
Golfist). Would you like yer 'ockey-
knockers with you in the carriage",
Sir?
APHIL 1, 1903.]
1TNCH, OR THE LONDON (.'FfAIMVAIM.
231
INFANTS IX ARMS.
[""Lord SUM i.\ xiiil tin-re :is no limit of
ize !'<>r ' linxlricki'i/.-'. juvenile recruit^
sen! to Soutli Africa." I'till .Mall QaxetU.]
Tin: sch(K>lboy's tedious task is done,
And IK iw ii|xm his hack
The coat is red, and Standard I.
Is changed for Union Jack ;
\a\ , pram and cot,
And ckt! tlic lialiy-l'arms
An- sending each its little lot
( If infantry in-anns.
J'all .Mall, with eager ardour filled,
Is busy framing rules
And making estimates to build
New mounted-infant schools ;
And BR-DR-CK has explained with pride
His cheap and novel course
For teaching raw recruits to ride
Upon a rocking-horse.
To fill our phantom corps will take
Unlimited supplies,
And no one will inquiries make
Respecting age or size.
Then send your babies, mothers all,
Of whom you 'd be relieved
All contributions, howso small,
Most thankfully received.
BRIGHTON PREFERRED.
(For a Little Walk.)
ON most Fridays a good many stock-
brokers go down to Brighton by train,
but on Friday, May 1, over a hundred
intend to go down on foot. Leaving
the Clock Tower at Westminster at
half-past six in the morning, they will
walk to the Brighton Aquarium. That
dismal, decaying, shabby music hall,
run by the Brighton Corporation at the
expense of .the Brighton rate-payers,
contains hardly any lish, though it is
still called an aquarium, but in a small
cage on the entrance steps there is,
very appropriately, an unfortunate bear.
It \\onld be easy enough to put a bull
iii another cage On the other side of the
Steps, and if a stag and a guinea pig
'oiild I blained for the occasion, the
competitors on arrival would feel so
much at home that they would think
Ives hack in the ( 'ity again.
It is expected that liKUHIAS, 1)ORA3,
and other lady friends of the competitors
will go doun they nl'tcii do on Fridays
and receive the iieroesat the liliish of
the walk.
The competitors will have the option
of taking any line, except the Brighton
Those who collapse on the road
line.
will be conveyed ,,n Harrows by the
Johnnies of the neighbourhood to the
I Vickers. If they have then no
Hopes of reaching the goal they will
display a placard inscribed "Brighton
Deferred," and after a refreshing bath
SCENE Jluttt Stecplecliase.
Jockey (from the brook). "Hi ! Hi ! HKRK, YOI; 'VE GOT MY HOKSK ! '
in a Spiers and Pond they will partake
of Salmon and Gluckstein, stewed Pears,
and other light refreshment.
As regards the Market on May Day it
is confidently expected that there will
be a rising tendency about 5.30 in the
morning, and a strong upward move-
ment about Brixton Hill. Later on
some sagging will be noticed, followed
by a drooping tendency near Reigate.
There may even be a few slight falls.
At the close competitors (in bed) will
be very flat.
The carry-over (of competitors from
the Aquarium to the hotels) will be
accomplished without much difficulty.
Rates will be light, as eighteen pence
is a generous cab-fare to any hotel.
Business in the street will be brisk.
The transfers will be witnessed by
la rue numbers of persons.
All competitors will wear Coats, Bags,
and Boots. It will be optional to wear
Central New Jerseys. Also stocks
round the neck, gilt-edged or otherwise,
according to taste. As most stock-
brokers always appear in elegant, or
even smart, clothes, it is expected that
large quantities of extra garments will
be sent by train packed in (irand
Trunks.
School Inspector (anxious to ej///<n'/i
tin- nature of a falsehood). Now, sup-
posing I brought you a canary, and told
you it was blue, what would that be?
Si mil' nl (ir/lli tuxtf fur Xntiiral //i.s-
tory). Please, Sir, a torn-tit.
MOTTO FOR (SOMK) Atsrnui\x MINK
Sn\iii-:uoi.i>ia>.--. A share in the Hand is
worth two in the ]!n-h.
232
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 1, 1903.
'THE INNOCENTS ABROAD."
(At the St. James's Theatre.)
Old Heidelberg, RUDOLF BLEICHMANN'S English version of
MEYER-FOKSTER'S comedy Alt-Heidelberg, although only an
episode dramatised, yet is it to be fairly classified under the
generic definition of " comedy ; " as a " mixture of serious-
ness and mirth." It ends in " sweet sorrow," and therefore
is no " genuine comedy." The charm of this particular play
lies in its dramatic simplicity.
The dramatis personal, distinctly characterised, belong,
however, to genuine comedy all save two, and these are
Prince Karl Heinrieh, and Kdthie the peasant maiden, who
are the hero and heroine of a romantic story that is bright
in its commencement, buoyantly, yet sweetly, happy in its
continuation, and utterly sad in its termination.
The play represents in dramatic form the loves of Karl
and Kdthie: of Karl, who, a royal prisoner, bound by
etiquette from childhood upwards, knows no more of " life "
outside the Palace walls, than does a novice bred up in
a monastery; and of Kdthie, a peasant maid, concerning
whose perfect guilelessness it would be pardonable were
more than one man or woman of the world to have their
doubts.
Of movement, as differentiated from "action," there is
plenty ; and in this respect, since it is chiefly in the hands'of
gay young German students, this portion of the "comedy,"
with its music, songs, and choruses, suggests the idea that
it is an opera manque. For would not the libretto have
well served MASSENET, for example, on the lines of La Vie
de Boheme, which, after all its merriment, ends so sadly
with the death of Mimi, while this finishes with two broken
hearts, of which, one, it is a relief to feel, for the sake of
the ruler himself with all his life before him, for the sake
of the State he has to govern, and for the sake of the Prin-
cess to whom he is betrothed, will not be long a-mending.
There are no villains in the piece, and no villainy even
of the very mildest description, although Liitz, valet to Karl
Jleinrich, with his phenomenally pale face and insufferable
bearing, a part admirably played by Mr. E. LYALL SWATE,
misleads everyone into supposing that this unhealthy piece
of affectation is a villain of the deepest dye, a conspirator
against the master whom he so effusively serves. But no,
he is only a Malvolio ; and, more fortunate than that self-
sufficient and easily gulled courtier, Liitz is never the object
of cruel practical jokes, although hard-headed, soft-hearted,
rough-mannered, but rather "larky" old Dr. Jiittner (a
perfect performance by Mr. J. D. BEvtairDGE), the young
Prince's tutor, might have been to the valet as was Sir
Toby Belch to Olivia's chamberlain.
Wisely, as it proves, has Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER given tip
for a while the middle-aged men of comedy and returned
to his premiere jeunesse. The boyishness of his youthful
Prince is delightfiil ; his modesty delicious, not one whit
overdone ; his frolicsomeness is that of a boy out for a
holiday, and his love-making is that of a novice in the art.
And how excellent is the Kdthie of Miss EVA MOORE, the
light-hearted, merry, impulsive girl, almost a " torn-boy "
among her sworn friends and honest admirers, the students,- -
who suddenly falls in love at first sight with the Prince,
concerning whose rank she has, however, been previously
informed. That she should have been made aware of his
rank is regrettable, as her knowledge of this fact is de-
structive of her ingenuousness ; for who that sees her almost
throwing herself into Karl Heinriclis arms, on their very
I first meeting, would not be inclined to set her down as a
I sly little minx, an artful coquette, if not something worse ?
Were Prince, peasant, student, all alike to her not as fish
that come to her net, but as being merely good fellows and
playmates then her conduct would be in keeping with her
republican faith. But such is not the case. She worships
Royalty ; she is charged with the delivery of an oration on
the arrival of the Prince, which she does with the utmost
timidity, being frightened out of her wits at having to
address a Royal personage. And yet within a few minutes
the peasant girl is head over ears in love with the Prince,
and he with her; and in four months' time they are just
off together "for a lark" to Paris! Does not this situa-
tion recall a similar one in the opera of Manon and the
duet of "A Paris nous irons " ? Certainly. But does this
little innocent German girl recall to us, in any way, Manon
Lescaut at the commencement of the latter's career ? Isn't
it difficult to believe in Kathie's complete innocence when
she joyfully consents to accompany her young lover, the
Prince, to Paris? Is she going as a sister? Not exactly.
As a wife? Not precisely. Well then as what? Any-
way, they do not go, and Kdthie is broken-hearted at losing
such a chance of becoming either a Manon Lescaut, a real
Princess, or the morganatic wife of Prince Karl. The young
impulsive Prince, it is needless to say, is beyond measure
angry with every one except his tutor Dr. Jiittner, and
bitterly disappointed at the failure of his projected escapade.
And Dr. Jiittner, but for his honesty and vein of serious-
ness, is only a counterpart of the tutor in Betsy to whom
was intrusted the guardianship of Adolphus.
So the curiously innocent young man is forced to leave
the strangely innocent young woman ; but they will meet
again, only once, and then for the very last time, two years
later. And, in after life, will any suspicion rest 011 Kdthie,?
Has she any packet of letters written by the Prince ? Any
compromising " puff-powder box," or other evidence against
character that might have been found in the room where
they passed summer nights together, fondly embracing, and
gazing out on to the moonlit stream ? If so, then we have
some inkling of what the secret was that clouded the fair
fame of Mr. HENRY ARTHUR JONES'S latest heroine, Julia
Wren, now undergoing nightly "whitewashing" quite a
spring cleaning, in fact at the Garrick Theatre. Alack
and alas ! It is mighty difficult to believe in the sublime
innocence of Kdthie the barmaid.
It may not be fair to look too far ahead, but, without peering
into the crystal, is it not imcommonly likely that when the
Prince is married, and still more utterly bored by Court
etiquette than he is now, he will somehow contrive that
Kdthie should be restored to the place that lias been kept
warm for her in his heart of hearts ? And Kdthie would
be ready and willing, that is, supposing nothing of any
importance had happened in the interim.
Take what view we may of Kdthie, this Old Heidelberg
is a delightful piece, excellently acted. Mr. VIVIAN REY-
NOLDS' presentation of Kellermann shows true appreciation
of the humour in the character ; Mr. ERNEST LEICESTER'S
Graf von Asterbcrg, representing the leader of the stu-
dents' Corps Saxonia, is a genuinely good performance ;
as indeed is that of all the students engaged, whether
they be shouting, singing, dancing, or drinking, with all
the customary hono'irs so dear to the German students, and
still fresh in the recollection of the present scribe, though
'tis some years since he was among them as a guest invited
to witness their duels, and to be a partaker of their
liospitality during various festivities. The scene in the
" beer-garden " (turned so frequently into a " bear-garden "),
with the harmonious rendering of students' choruses, is
reproduced to the very life on the stage at the St. James's,
where the scenic art of Mr. WALTER HANN lends enchant-
ment to the view.
So to the prosperity of Karl and Kdthie, the two "In-
nocents Abroad," we raise our glass, clink, and heartily
'xclaim, "Prosit! "
Ami, 1, 1903.]
ITNCII. nil Till': LONDON CIIAIMVAIM.
233
LETTERS FROM THE ZOO.
TIN-: following letters have been
selected I'l-om n lar-i' number received
II|IHM the .-.iibject nl' the Zoological
( lardens Management :
MIL I'l xrjj, Siu, 'I'he life of an ele-
phant, is nut :ill bananas and bath-buns.
i:illv 1 am full of marbles and bus
I irk, 'Is. Instead of a silver- plated how-
dah and a Maharajah, 1 have a <_ranloii
jeal i i Miy hack and a keeper. I object
to tailing mil (in a journey any number
(if times each i la yand never arriving any-
uherc. " There and hack," with a
Int on my hack. Humiliating. So are
small boys, sponge-fingers, and American
i nil i prise. \V I iv were there no Durbar
festivities iii the Elephant House?
This should be inquired into.
Yours faithfully,
A TUSK 'UN.
P.S. Alas ! Poor Jingo ! I knew
him well. The subject is too painful.
Slit, So we cables fail to give satis-
faction V And it's not to be wondered
at after all the nonsense that has beefi
written uh.mt the " Kin^f of birds soar-
ing above his di/y.y eyrie." To expect
that sort of thing for a shilling, and
.-i \pence mi Hank Holidays, is out of
the ijncslion. Besides, we couldn't do
it. even if we had t lie apparatus. Dignity-
is our slrong point, ami as long as the
authorities permit, sparrows to hop and
chirp about our premises as though
they belonged to them, the thing 's
impossible. Yours, etc.,
ANOTHER EAGLE.
I'.S. I hear we have a new Secretary
Bird just elected. Something may come
of recent meetings. I 've yot my F.agle
K\e on the Fellows who run this show.
<!K\ i u:\ii.v As H good-natured
brown bear I naturally object to turning
rusty; yet I have heard it said that, in
more ways than one, I am rapidly going
oil' col ..... . Here is the whole matter in
a nut-shell 1 should say, a bun-bag.
Km- years 1 have lived at the bottom , f
a pit, and my only inducement to come
to its top has 1 ..... n to escape the daily
shower of biins. 1 wish to state publicly
thai I loathe buns. Place me well
alxive the public, so that its bun aim
will be uncertain, and I' Mudl get my
'"lour back. Of course something to
huu but I am trespassing on your
valuable space. Obediently yours,
ONE OF Tin:
1>KM! SIK.S, I hope upon behalf of
the Tortoise House that there will be
no unbecoming hurry. Why not wait
two or three hundred years and see if
matters are working smoother then?
' linn'.
.
I subscribe myself, seasonably,
P'KSHNA LKNIK.
|'I:I:TTT MR. PUNCH, Reform? Cer-
tainly. " One parrot one parrot-hon-e "
is our motto, and we shall go on
screaming till we get it. Is it surpris-
ing that directly they enter our house
visitors say, " I/et 's go and see the
hippopotamus," and rush out? I sweru'
fluently, but here I am as ineffective as
a saint. Yours, I'IIKI IY POLL.
(|I:MIKMI:N, We suggest the reinn\ al
of the barrier which separates us from
the visitors. \Ve have long thought it
Superfluous. Yours in anticipation,
AD LEONKS.
SIRS, What are all these wild-cat
tales? Let those who find our house
"unpleasant," hold their noses and
their tongues ! Who are they a kitten
at? Yours, Cvro.
ANTIPATHIES OF GEEAT MEN.
IT is a natural human trait to desire
kinship with great minds, and partly
for this reason the world loves to hear
of the little weaknesses, inconsistencies,
and illogical prejudices of its intellec-
tual giants. The following, then, a
carefully compiled and, so far as the
writer knows, absolutely authentic list
of the antipathies of certain past-
masters may prove of general interest.
SHAKSPEARE, it seems, disliked a forced
abstention from victuals.
Lord CHESTERFIELD hated to have (he
chair upon which he was just, sitting
down withdrawn from under him.
The Iron Duke (and it may be re-
marked in passing that Lord Rowans
of our own day has a similar aversion)
would grow quite uneasy if shut up in
the same room with a mad dog.
Dr. ABERNETHY, a man proverbially
intolerant of mere fads and crotchets, had
yet a strong personal objection to
sleeping in damp sheets.
SCHILLER would never, if he could
avoid it, write with a broken nib.
CARLYLE never liked being alluded to
as a "blithering idiot."
KEATS would go out of his way to
avoid a lunatic with a knife.
FARADAY, the great chemist, disliked the
sensation of nitric acid on his hands.
MACRF.ADY had a great disrelish for
either the flavour or perfume of bad eggs.
MENDELSSOHN did not like the sound of
a finger-nail being drawn across a slate.
A thumb-nail caused him similar disquiet,
DISRAELI would walk about or stand
rather than sit upon a freshly-painted
bench.
Dr. JOHNSON hated to have anyone run
and butt him in the waistcoat.
Sir WALTER RALEIGH had a marked
objection to prison life; and Lord
BcBLEIQH, his great contemporary, never
liked to slip off a curbstone with his
tongue between his teeth.
PBOOF.
Master. "PAT, I ifusr SAY YOU 'BE YLUY
CONTRADICTORY."
Pat (emphatically). " I AM NOT, SORU ! "
SECOND QUARTER.
(From " Young Moore's Almanack for 1903.")
APRIL.
DEATH will be active this month, and
we may hear that someone in the Navy
will be amongst those called away.
Crimes will be committed, and the
police will at least find a clue if not the
perpetrators. Many people will cele-
brate the anniversaries of their birth-
days towards the middle of this month,
and YOUNO MOORE is pleased to predict
the silver wedding of a certain happy
pair, who shall be nameless. The weal her
for April will be of great variety.
MAY.
News of a more or less disturbing
character may reach us from China,
Morocco, Macedonia, Somaliland, Yene-
/uela, Afghanistan, and I'pper Norwood,
but Youxo MOORE bids you be of g<xxl
cheer and not let this depress you.
Several shares on the Stock I'Achange
will come in for attention. Extremes
of weather may be looked for in fact
the word "Varied" might be applied
to the weather of this month.
JUKE.
Wild rumours about of the Tiint-x
having been bought by an American
magnate for two millions, but Ym x<;
MOORE is able to predict that he will
only have to pay the usual 3d. for it,
literary supplement included. The
prophet foretells that a child will be
born in a northern city, who, if he lives,
will be Somebody Somewhere Someday.
lime weather will be long remem-
bered for its variety.
234
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 1, 1903.
THE COMPLETE PRIG.
[According to a recent niiniln'r of //>;;'.< HVcW;/ Mrs. W. P.
MoCuNTOOK, of tlie Department of EStgliah at the University of Chicago,
has declared that such nursery talcs as ,l,t<-k and tin 1 Beanstalk and
Illni'tieard have a " moral s [iiint " about them, and are unfit for childish
reading. She has mapped out a really moral literary course for t'le
mother to superintend during her children's infancy. The main
features are here faithfully reproduced.]
I 'M pained when I reflect upon the stuff that people print,
And call without a blush a children's story ;
Your Jack the Giant Killer has a nasty moral squint,
And Bluebeard is as wicked as it 's gory ;
The tale of Mr. Bniin and his Mrs. Mirny-Muff,
Which childhood in its innocence still swallows-
I beg that you will substitute for all such sorry stuff
The moral and instructive course which follows :
Until your child is seven let her feed her infant mind
On simple, pretty tales about the fairies,
Provided they are free from squints (supposing you can find
That such a fairy story anywhere is).
Till nine her soul may meditate as deeply as it can
('Twill benefit it very much to do so)
The pious lucubrations of that most religious man,
The blameless and improving Mr. Crusoe.
Her early teens with classic tales she may perhaps beguile
Of Perseus, Jason, Hector and Ulysses
(Of course you '11 skip all episodes in fair Calypso's Isle)
And Helen (when of course you '11 skip the kisses) ;
The educative stimulus contained in such a tale
Can hardly be too highly estimated
Of course you '11 take the greatest care and never never fail
To see that it is duly expurgated.
Romantic tales might next afford some wholesome mental
food
Knights-errant in the cause of virtue fighting
But bear in mind the knights must all be very very good,
Their deeds, however brave, not too exciting.
Then let her read Miss CIIARLOTTE YONGE, whose highly moral
pen,
Instinct with virtue, never met its fellow,
And possibly a novel by Miss CAREY now and then,
But never, never one that 's bound in yellow.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
MY Baronite has fond memories of Early Masters in
pictorial art who illumined childhood's days. They worked
on a commercial system known as " Penny plain, tuppence
coloured." RITA'S Souls (HUTCHINSON) belongs to the latter
category. The more sober taste of my Baronite hankers
after the severer style. The novel purports to present a
realistic picture of the way in which what are called
" Society people " live. The impression conveyed to the
mind of the reader is that it is an early literary effort of a
soured lady's maid accomplished in hours of retirement,
when her mistress, who is really no better looking than
herself, is mingling in the giddy throng. In the conversa-
tional passages the gifted authoress has made a study of
the literary style of OSCAH WILDE, and lias succeeded in
reproducing the occasional emptiness of his phrases without
their frequent sparkle. If RITA'S deliberate plan was to
show what the envious lady's maid would achieve in the
circumstances indicated, she has, by many subtle touches,
presented a masterpiece of art. If this is pure imagining,
and the work is seriously offered as a picture of what RITA
describes as "high-born and apparently exclusive Society
ladies," it must be dismissed as a tiresome screed in which,
A MATTER OF WEIGHT.
She. "HAVE YOU DERIVED noon BENEFIT FROM CYCLING, MR. POUNDS?"
lie. " On, YES. WHY, I 'M MUCH TIIIXXBR THAN I WAS ! "
save perhaps in the person of Zara Ebcrliardt, there is not
a natural note. _
To the biographical Memoir of George Douglas Brown
(HODDER AND STOUGHTON) Mr. ANDREW LANG contributes an
introduction. It perhaps reveals more personal matter
relating to Mr. LANG tlian to its avowed subject. That
conclusion naturally follows on the circumstance, frankly
admitted, that his acquaintance with the author of The
House with the Green Shutters was of the slightest. To tell
the truth, Mr. CUTHBERT LENNOX and Mr. ANDREW MELROSE,
whose contributions complete the little volume, have barely
any story to tell. BROWN'S history was only beginning when
it was cut short by the hand of Death. Son of a Scotch
farmer, he won a scholarship that enabled him to half-starve
at Oxford. He gravitated to London, grasped the skirts of
journalism, and awoke one morning to find himself famous
as the writer of a powerful, if somewhat gruesome, novel
that caught the public fancy. As The House with the Green
Shutters grew to the proportions of the orthodox novel out
of what was intended as a story for a magazine, so this
memoir has evidently been elaborated from the basis of the
portion that appeared in a weekly journal. Out of scanty
material the authors have done the best possible.
The Transit of the Red Dragon, and Other
(ARROWSMITH), is a book containing three short stories by
EDEN PHILLPOTTS, whereof the one that gives its name to tlie
volume is decidedly the best. THE BARON DE B.-W.
THE "CORNER" IN Cciiiuvis. The representatives of the
late Master Jack Homer* wish to repudiate all connection
with this proposed monopoly. It was plums.
APRIL 8, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
235
tantfc's
(After a Ditttngu'mlitil Prectdent.)
A CARNIVAL FOR THE CURIOUS.
THE RADIUM OF RESEARCH IN THE PITCHBLENDE OF PRINT.
A BILLION FACTS FOR A MILLION TRACKEHS.
THE Competition organised by Mr. Punch is of a quite
unparalleled and all-embracing sort. There will be no
penalty whatever to the peaceable and well-behaved, there
will be little risk of danger (except from brain-fever
and writer's cramp), and only an unavoidable amount
of discomfort and disappointment. Each of the awards
offered by Mr. Punch will be paid, under protest, to one
single (or married) competitor, the questions being so
arranged as to require not more than a lifetime of useful
and stimulating investigation.
THE AWARDS.
The MOST SUCCESSFUL Competitor (whatever degree of
omniscience his answers may possess there is no maximum
qualification) will receive, at his or her peril, either :
A LoooERsmp of THIRTY SHILLINGS per week for One Year,
covering all the expenses of a finishing course at any high-
class boarding-house in Bloomsbury ; or
An Insurance Policy for 50 in money, payable to the
Creditors of the Policy-holder.
The following other awards, amounting in the aggregate
to a sum which, defies all computation, will go to other
competitors in order of merit.
The SECOND will be granted a PAYINQ-QUESTSHIP of TWENTY
SHILLINGS per Week for One Year, tenable in any respectable
family in Bayswater ; or
A Burial Fee of 10 in money, payable as soon as a post-
mortem lias been made and the inquest held.
The THIRD will be granted an ALMSHOUSESHIP of TEN
SHILLINGS per Week for One Year, tenable at any Parochial
Infirmary ; or a commutation of ONE POUND IN GOLD.
The FOURTH and FIFTH will be granted ROWTONSHIPS of
NINEPENCE per Day for One Year, tenable at any Rowton
House within the Radius ; or a commutation of FIVE
SHILLINGS IN SILVER.
The SIXTH, SEVENTH, and EIGHTH will be granted DOSSER-
SHIPS of FOURPENCE per Night for One Year, tenable at any
East-End Doss-house approved by the Sanitary Inspectors ;
or a commutation of FIFTEENPENCE IN COPPER.
The TWENTY NEST will, if approved by General BOOTH, be
granted SALVATION ARMY SHELTERSHIPS of ONE PENNY per
Visit ; or a commutation of ONE DOZEN TICKETS IN SOUP.
The FIFTY NEXT will be granted OPEN-AIR EXHIBITIONS of
ONE FAHTHING per Hour, tenable at any Bench on the
Embankment or in the Park ; or a commutation of
Being moved on by the Police.
Papers have been prepared, by expert enigmatists, to be
answered by the competitors at their own homes (or as near
as possible) ; and each candidate will be allowed the term
of his or her natural life for serving the sentence.
The questions, as will be seen from the specimen given
below, supply a test of how much a man or woman will
stand in the pursuit of an elusive fact.
No one is too young to enter for our competition. A
bright infant of either'sex will profit in the fullest degree
by the opportunities we are offering. We shall then feel
I we are illuminating whole lives, from babyhood to extreme
' old age, with the virtues of hope, determination, energy,
combativeness, patience, and resignation.
SPECIMEN QUESTION.
The following question, which, of course, will not be
employed in the Competition, has been constructed for the
purpose of showing the general trend and animus of those
which will be used. The reader to whom it seems very
elementary may be reminded that the crux of a question
often lies in some small inconcinnity which a careless
student might not detect.
Specimen Question I. A certain day in early spring has
for many centuries been dedicated to various forms of
practical joking. That this, however, was not the case in
the time of a famous personage in antiquity we are justified
in assuming from the fact that, if he had been addicted to
horseplay, some biographer would have handed the incident
down to us. Who was this personage ?
Answer. ALEXANDER.
Explanation of the foregoing solution.
The most suggestive clue here is at the commencement of
the paragraph, where April the First is clearly indicated.
Turning to the index entry "All Fools Day," we are
referred to Vol. 14,257, p. 202a, where we discover amongst
other interesting information that Prince BISMABCK was born
on that day.
Following this up, in Vol. 262,177, under his biography,
we find that BISMARCK was invariably represented by carica-
turists'as having a bald head, with just three hairs sprouting
from the top. Here we are confronted with the equally
inviting alternatives of Trichology and Cartooning ; but
choosing by instinct the former, we look up the article
"Hairpin Vol. 726,001, p. 1996d, and almost immediately
light upon the following quotation :
" Fair tresses man's imperial race ensnare,
And beauty draws us with a single hair."
Pope, Rape of the Lock, Canto ii., lane 27.
We are thus within measurable distance of the goal. On
consulting the life of this author in Vol. 1,650,974, p. 43c,
we read at once that his Christian name was Alexander.
The connection is now clear, and we have thoroughly
established the fact, difficult as it is to prove a negative,
that ALEXANDER THE GREAT was the personage in antiquity in
whose time the cult of All Fools Day was unknown.
There are, of course, few private book-collections which
can supply the details necessary to elucidate such problems
as these. Mr. Punch has therefore made arrangements to
republish the entire library of the British Museum, now
amounting to 2,546,379 volumes, together with 3,752 volumes
of the Catalogue-Index. It will not be needful for every
competitor to purchase these books outright. They may be
paid for in instalments of 20,000 at a time, or the whole
may be had on loan, and will be brought round by traction
engines on receipt of a postcard. For terms and inquiry
forms please address Publication and Steam Crane Depart-
ment, 10, Bouverie Street, E.C.
236
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 8, 1903.
PASHLEY'S OPINIONS.-NO. III.
WHEN I was a youngster, after I had left school and got
to work, I used to go once a week to a harmonic meeting at
the Fallowfield Arms Hotel close by where I lived. We had a
President, who wore a red sash with a silver motto worked
on it over a harp something about Orpheus it was and
there was a Vice-President in a blue sash with the same
badge, only smaller, and there were about twenty members.
We were all expected to sing a song or get up a glee or
play some instrument, and we smoked clay pipes and drank
hot brandy and water.
There were a lot of rules, and fines were collected for
breaking any of them. Consequence was somebody was
always being fined and objecting to it, and so we had very
lively discussions, and very often, when the time came for
breaking lip and going home, there hadn't been any
singing or playing at all, and everybody had lost his
temper. Still that sort of thing made the President's
position a very difficult and honourable one, and as one of
the rules was that the President should always be addressed
as "Your Grace," there was usually a hot competition for
the post, and all kinds of canvassing and backstairs working
for about a month beforehand. When I stood against
GAMBLE and RUNCIMAN I was first favourite for a long time,
but GAMBLE got it through a mean trick. He gave
RUNCIMAN a large order for trousers, six pairs of them,
and hinted that it would be an annual tiling if he got
elected. There was a lot more hocus-pocus of that
kind, and in the end RUNCIMAN retired from the contest
the day before the meeting and asked his supporters
to vote for GAMBLE, who beat me by two votes ; and as the
Club broke up at the end of that year, "in consequence of
the marriage of members and other calamities " (that was
APSLEY'S way of putting it) I never got another chance.
APSLEY was our funny man. I never knew a chap who
could make better jokes, and even when you couldn't quite
make out what he was driving at he had a way with him
that made you laugh whether you wanted to or not.
He was the only man who could do it. I often used
to try his jokes at home or in other places, but somehow
they never went. APSLEY, of course, had had great
advantages. He knew the chairman of one of the big
music-halls (this was in the days when every music-hall had
a chairman who sat near the stage, facing the audience,
with a table in front of him and a little liammer, and called
out the turns), and once, when this official was suddenly
taken ill and had to go out, he left APSLEY in charge, and
everything went off without a hitch.
The fact was, APSLEY had a genius for that kind of
business, and there 's no going against genius : it 's bound
to come out and show itself sooner or later. Besides that,
he played the banjo like a professional, and you couldn't
beat him for hornpipes or imitations of animals, nightingales,
cocks, cats on the roof, dogs howling at German bands it
was all one to him. But his funniest turn was a bit he 'd
invented himself about a man going out to dinner and
coming home about two in the morning, and taking off his
boots and crawling upstairs on all fours only to find his
mother-in-law waiting for him on the landing with a night-
cap on and a razor-strop in her hand. You could see the
poor beggar crawling, crawling up and up, slipping here
and there and barking his shins, but not daring to howl
out, and last of all getting up erect when he thought every-
thing was safe, and giving a shriek. Then you could hear
the razor-strop going sixteen to the dozen, and I swear it
made you rub yourself, till he dashed into his room and
slammed the door after him. It was better than a theatre.
Of course APSLEY had had lots of offers to go on the stage,
but he always said he preferred his liberty.
APSLEY wasn't a married man fellows like that don't run
well in double harness and he was always down on
marriage, most of his songs being about men who got
bullied by their wives or abused by their mothers-in-law.
Somehow our ladies didn't like him. Mrs. RUNCIMAN
thought him a sneering fellow, and Miss CRUMP said it
made her feel cold all over merely to look at his eye. But
then women never can see a joke, and they haven't got the
smallest appreciation of real humour. I remember trying
to tell my mother all about APSLEY'S best turn mother-in-
law, razor-strop and all, and she only looked gloomier and
gloomier.. At last I said, "Don't you think it 's funny?"
And all she said was, " No, JOSH, I do not, and *I 'm
surprised you should, after the way you 've been brought
up. You mark my words : the man who invents and
describes such scenes of coarse debauchery will come to no
good, and the sooner you give up his society the better for
you." Of course I only laughed, and told her that I quite
agreed with APSLEY that marriage was a mug's game. I
stuck by that idea for a long time, too, but I got changed
at last. Another time I '11 tell you how it happened.
AN UNAPPRECIATED GENIUS.
[" Does the average man, who is content so long as his coat is fairly
well fitting and his nether garments show no symptoms of senile decay,
realise the amount of thought that is brought to bear upon the question
of clothes by the young exquisite, who devotes all the brain he possesses
to the consideration of this important matter?" Daily Paper.]
GREAT Scott ! And shall mere ordinary men,
The doctor with his physic and his fee,
The journalist who plies a busy pen,
The merchant or the eminent K.C.
Shall these, I say, with their plebeian sneers
Look down on me? forsooth they cannot guess
That I have spent long weary months and years
Achieving my pre-eminence in dress.
What do they know ? Their souls are dull and cold ;
Can they appreciate what 's really chaste ?
Their wardrobe by necessity's controlled,
And seldom they dispute their tailor's taste.
Ideas they 've none or of the lowest grade ;
The process of selection simply bores ;
Their hats' and boots they purchase ready made,
And very likely patronise the Stores.
The plodding student burns the midnight oil
And hopes to be a SOLOMON but oh !
I went through days and nights of endless toil
Ere I could tie a really faultless bow.
The statesman works to win a short-lived fame ;
The soldier fights to bring his country peace ;
But mightier obstacles I overcame
To keep my trousers in a proper crease.
From mental calculations I don't flinch.
One problem frequently is solved -by me,
For I can tell to sixteenths of an inch
How wide a modern hat brim ought to be.
Then I have wandered all throughout the West
When Inspiration cast on me her spell,
Until I found a certain fancy vest
That suited my complexion very well.
Talk not to me of politics, I pray,
I have no time for matters so remote ; ,
And if I 'm too much worried, well, it may
Result in wrinkles in my shapely coat.
Some day I '11 be applauded by the mob
Which now, from lack of education, mocks -
At present I 'm engaged upon the job
Of hunting for a novelty in socks.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. AMU, 8, 1903.
X
Miss CoNSAcoirr
Miss ULSTER
Miss LEINSTER
Miss MINSTER
A GRACIOUS PROMISE.
(together). "THEY'RE COMIXG ! SURE 'TIS THE GRANDEST NEWS WE'VE HAD FOR
MANNY A DAY!"
["The visit of the KINO and QUEEN to Ireland is likely to be in every sense a landmark in Irish history .... It may be hoped that
they will find time to enjoy the hospitality of all the four Provinces." Times, March 31, 1903.]
APRIL 8, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
239
MR. PUNCH'S SKITCHY INTERVIEWS.
XIV. SIGNOR MARCONI AT POLDHU.
To the question " Is the Sig. at
home? " a friendly fisherman of Poldhu
directed us to the battery ; whither we
"He opened a bottle of wireless champagne."
proceeded and found the great inventor
in the act of transmitting an ethergram
message of birthday congratulations
from the Editor of the Morning Adver-
tiser to the Editor of the Netc York
Sun.
While waiting for the reply our host
invited us to a hurried lunch, consisting
of Irish Stew and Polenta, washed down
with a mixture invented by Mr.
MARCONI, of Asti Spumante and John
Jameson, known as the Pol Dew. For
ourselves he opened a bottle of wireless
champagne.
Mr. MARCONI, being of mixed Irish and
Italian parentage, always carries a
shillelagh and an accordion, invariably
takes ice-cream with his potatoes, and
talks in a mixture of the choicest Tuscan
and Eathfarnham dialects.
Mr. MARCONI is a spare, closely-knit
young man we had almost said wiry,
but he is of course anything but that.
We congratulated our host on his
rapprochement with the Post Office.
" 'Twas time for it," he replied. " If
they hadn't done it, I 'd have put the
curse of Cornwall on them ! But young
CHAMBERLAIN," he added, "is the "broth
of a boy. Funiculi, Funicula ! Take
another drop of the creatura."
" You must be amassing a great
fortune," we murmured enviously.
"Well, I don't know about that,"
responded Mr. MARCONI, " but at any
rate, if I am a Mullionaire I 'm the only
man in England who isn't a wire-
puller."
Encouraged by Mr. MARCONI'S affability
we hazarded the question :
" Do you know the answer to Sir
WILLIAM PREF.CE'S new riddle ' Why is
MARCONI like HINDE ? ' '
"Xo, what is it? "
" ' Because he produces waves in the
air.' And now another question. Are
you a Freemason ? ' '
" Yes, certainly."
" May I ask what Lodge you belong
to?"
" I belong to no Lodge."
" Rayleigh ! ' '
It seemed time to change the subject.
" Do you not allow yourself any rest? "
we asked.
"Corpo di Begorra! " said he. " What
do I want with rest ? Sure I 'm invent-
ing continually. I invent with both
hands at once, begob ! and my right
hand has often no notion what my left
has been devising. My very latest is a
wireless piano to render the suburbs
comfortable. It emits no sound. Then
I have got a great idea wireless
netting to keep out rabbits. You see,
I 'm very fond of animals. I like all
kinds of dogs except wire-haired terriers,
and I am even now perfecting an
invention to utilise the electricity in
cats for domestic telegraphic purposes."
" One word more, Mr. MARCONI. Do
you think that the establishment of
your system is likely to promote friend-
lier relations between England and
America?"
"Is it think ? " responded the Signor
with great warmth. " Sossagio di Bo-
logna ! I 'm convinced of it. Hasn't
TEDDY ROOSEVELT given orders that
Coney Island is to be rechristened Mar-
coni Island ? Oh, they 're a grand
people the Americans. Such beauty !
such wealth ! such a literature ! "
' I invent with both hands at once, begob ! '
" Then you do find time to read
American novels?"
" Yes, "replied the Wizard of Poldhu,
with an expressive wink. " All of them
except CABLE ! "
t*-.
" I am even now perfecting an invention to
utilise the electricity in cats for domestic tele-
graphic purposes."
" CAPPING."
Mr. Punch's Sporting Correspondent
sends a few suggestions for putting
next season's hunting on a sound finan-
cial basis.
That every Meet should be held in a
place surrounded by barbed wire, to
give the Secretary a chance.
That the Secretary be provided with
a special uniform, in order that visitors
may not be imposed upon by un-
scrupulous individuals personating this
official.
That "the cap" might be made to
cover an accident insurance for the day
of issue.
That half the money be returned on
blank days.
That a graduated scale of charges
might be made, according to the kind
of country to be hunted, and probability
of damage, the same to be advertised.
For instance : " Cheap Hunting ! Great
day on the Downs with the Rumford !
Only 1, or 1 10s. including a brush.
No jumping. All old turf, &c., &c."
That "Pilots" with a good know-
ledge of the country, gates, &c., be pro-
vided at a moderate charge, on applica-
tion to the Secretary.
That the Secretary be provided with
a sufficient force of police to secure the
proceeds of " the cap."
240
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHAKIVARL
[APRIL 8, 1903:
THE NEW "WEST-OSTLICHE DIVAN."
[Sequent upon the Anglo-Japanese Alliance, the profound sensation
produced in the literary world by Mr. TONE Noouom's fascinating
volume of verse, From the Eastern Sea, in which he attempts to clothe
his native phantasies in a loosely-fitting English dress, has caused
Mr. Punch to anticipate an immediate boom in Oriental methods.
These methods being still unfamiliar, the following fragmentary essays
in this kind, composed by his request, will kindly be regarded as
tentative.]
I. To THE SLEEPING BEAUTY OF DEVONSHIRE.
By Lord K-s-b-ry.
The deafness of my Beloved is the deafness of the Sea.
Her peach-blossom lips are parted,
Her chin droops like a nocturnal petal
On the indolence of her heaving bosom.
My song is wasted on her ; my
Song is no more to her than
A rivulet trickling from the unresponsive dome
Which is the back of a duck.
II. SPRING.
By Sir H-nry C.-B.
Odorous April knocks at the door of my tabernacle.
About my boots the young birds
Hop in happy convulsions.
Eye-tooral !
But, alas ! one swallow declines to make a spring to me,
One primrose turns
Her saffron cheek from me away.
m. o
By Mr. Arth-r B-lf-r.
My soul was a fairy-lantern with
The tallow sagging just anyhow,
Till you came back, my YOHI,
Till you came back from the bottomless
Breezes of Ocean's commanding silence.
As a flame in the plate-glass window of a lighthouse
Looking across the tempest in a willow-pattern tea-cup, so
Was your opaline eye-flash in its crystal shrine ;
As a lithe Geisha on the housetops
In a forest of chimney-stacks, so
Is your orchid to the rest
Of this balmy conservatory.
IV. THE CAVE.
By Mr. St. J-hn Br-dr-ck.
Ecstatic I scaled the heightless heights,
The breath of afternoon dandelions was in my hair.
I mocked the menace of swords ;
I passed through them as through the pale shadow
Thrown by the odourless ghost of a gossamer.
Alas ! there is no Eden without a worm.
I looked beneath the earth-mists
To where, in a low-down cavern,
Abutting on the roots of the Tree of Knowledge,
Sat Hu, my Comrade, making faces,
And he that was the WiNSTON-pippin of my eye,
Turning sour.
Faith ! Esprit de corps d'armee !
V. THE ISLE OF GREAT CONTENT.
By Mr. G-rge W-ndh-m.
From Tarara's Halls I caught the harp that once,
For this occasion only, no more.
1 smote on it Boom-de-ai ; I
Invited alien jigs on the green.
Out of the verdant-isled lakes that are her eyes, she
(0 the wearing of the orange-blossom in my heart !)
Glanced a side-long fragrance on me and said,
" Thou art my WYNDHAM in the reeds ! "
VI. THE UN RENEWED LICENCE.
By a Tory Publican.
Lazily dreamed my boat on a tide full of poem ;
Jauntily it slid like a sloe- jinricksha
Over a carpet of daffodils,
Or else cherry-blossoms.
The peace of perfect rotundity was my peace.
Could it have been an octopus ?
Something, I know not why or how,
Removed the bung of my boat ; I
Heavily downward disappeared
Into the infernal moist.
As I descended I heard in my ear,
Like the voiceless murmur of a shell picked
Tip on the beach of Solitude,
Over my melancholic head the back-ebb of the tide.
VII. MOTES AND SUNBEAMS.
By a Competitor for the Gordon-Bennett Cup.
What the dancing mote
Says as he kicks the beam, I say ;
What the four-wheeled shamrock hums,
I hum. 0. S.
COMMERCIAL ENTERPRISE IN U.S.A.
[" The following Resolution has been passed by the Senate of the
State of Missouri. Resolved That the Committee of Criminal Juris-
prudence be instructed to take into consideration the necessity and
importance of the passage of a law providing for the taxation, branding,
and licensing of foreign lords and noblemen, both real and genuine,
bogus and fraudulent, found running at large in the State of Missouri,
and providing severe penalties for the violation of the said law, to the
end that the young women of Missouri may be protected and fully
warned against engaging in speculation of so risky and dangerous a
character." New York World.]
IN the following handbill, left at the doors of a fair corre-
spondent in Missouri, we seem to trace the Culminating
cause of the above scare : '
THE MISSOURI PEER-IMPORTING COMPANY. This
Company was formed to meet the ever - increasing
demand for lords and noblemen in the State of Missouri and
U.S.A. generally.
Absolutely no risk run by our customers !
Ladies dealing with us are assured of fair treatment and
prompt delivery.
Without fear of contradiction we affirm that our Peers are
superior in rank and pedigree and in position in their own
countries, to any noblemen now on the market.
Every lord supplied to our customers is branded with the
State Stamp, and no goods that are not up to the Govern-
ment standard are retailed at our stores.
Our stock of British Dukes is the finest in the world, and
at the Missouri Exhibition we were awarded the Gold Medal
for this rare and beautiful type of goods.
A choice selection of belted Earls is always on view in
our showrooms.
We highly recommend our " B.B.B." or British Baron
Brand. These may be had in three styles English, Irish,
or Scotch. We do a large business in these goods with
people who like a good article but cannot afford the
more costly brands. As, however, the supply is limited,
customers are advised to purchase early.
We have a very cheap line in French Counts, which we
are offering at prices to suit the smallest purse. Such of
these goods as we sell bear the Government imprint, though
personally we do not care to recommend them, having had
frequent complaint regarding their quality.
APRIL 8, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
We beg leave to observe that the
lowest-priced Peers such for instance
as Polish Counts we do not stock, as in
very few cases have they been found satis-
factory. We venture to urge upon our
clients the advisability of paying a some
what higher price and ensuring quality.
Peers delivered to any address in U.S.A.
free of duty and carriage paid.
The following are samples of the
testimonials which we are receiving
daily :
The Marchioness of FlTZ-PoRTCULLl
(nee Miss Put.i.Y PORKER) writes : -"Your
Marquis is simply lovely and so intelli
gent. Please send two more, as I wan 1
them for birthday presents for my
sisters. Am going to England shortly
"Yours sincerely,
" POLLY FITZ-PORTCULLIS."
A Countess (who desires to be
anonymous) writes : " Earl recently
received and gives every satisfaction
Have shown him to friend who bought
Russian Prince last vear, and she says
she wished she had heard of your Firn
then, for she certainly would have triet
one of your Earls.
" P.S. Please send me French Count
suitable for presentation to elderh
maiden aunt. Was delighted with Irish
Baron."
QUEER CALLINGS.
V. THE CAT'S COLOURMAN.
" WELL, to put it briefly, I am a
specialist in chromatic kittens."
" Chromatic kittens ? "
" Yes. It was at the time of the
Green Carnation that I just began to
study the question. If flowers could be
changed in hue, I thought, why not
creatures? The ordinary cat spends
most of its time on the hearth-rug a
sufficiently conspicuous position but
how few cats really harmonise with that
or any other article of furniture ? Being
myself intensely sensitive to discords of
colours, I decided to invent the decora-
tive cat. I soon started the scheme on
a business-like basis, and now I can
assure you that hardly a day passes
without my receiving fifty white kittens
by rail from all parts of the kingdom.
These are dyed as required, instructions
being supplied with each. It would
never do, of course, to place a scarlet
cat in a pink drawing-room, or to give
a crushed strawberry cat the entree of a
dining-room decorated in Pompeian
red."
"Of course not."
" Still, I get curious requests occasion-
ally. As, for example, here is one from
i disconsolate widow asking for a
leliotrope cat, as it was ' her favourite
colour.' '
" But, Mr. PASH," we interjected.
''
,1
AN OMISSION BEST OMITTED.
lirown (on foot). " Do YOU KNOW WHAT THE TOTAL is FOE THE SEASON ? "
Simkitis (somewhat new to country life). " FIFTEEN PAIRS OF FOXES, THE HUNTSMAN SAYS.
BUT HE SEEMS TO HAVE KEPT NO COUNT OF RABBITS OR "AllES, AND I KNOW THEY *VE KILLED AND
EATEN A LOT OF THOSE ! "
" doesn't it interfere with the health of
the animal? "
" Not a bit," was the prompt answer.
" One of my first experiments was on
rather dilapidated tabby, and a coat of
Eau de Nil gave it a new lease of life."
' ' Do you think of applying your
method to dogs and horses ? ' '
"In time, perhaps, when the horse
ceases to be a beast of burden, and is
permitted to lead a purely decorative
:xistence. As for dogs, I am inclined
,o think that the employment of green
'oxhounds, for example, might sensibly
idd to the exhilaration of the chase."
We hinted our assent.
" But to return to our kittens. I am
ar from having exhausted the possi-
bilities of the invention. For example,
' am experimenting at present with a
riew to producing a kitten with an
rideseent coat. If rainbow trout, why
not rainbow cats ? "
'Of
who
are your
course. And
principal customers? "
" They are drawn from all strata of
the social system. Only yesterday Mr.
HALL CAINE sent me a beautiful Manx
cat to be upholstered in Cardinal red,
and this morning a basket containing a
Kilkenny kitten has reached me from
Lord DUNRAVEN, to be embroidered with
shamrocks, and despatched as a pignus
amoris to Mr. JOHN REDMOND. And
now I fear I must ask you to excuse
me, as these commissions must be
executed without delay."
CHANGE OF NAME. The practice of
taking a new name on coming into
property is common. It is more rare to
do so on the strength of being " cut off."
This, however, is the case with Fleet-
wood-ou-Wyrf. which, not by arrange-
ment with the Postmaster-General, will
adopt the style of Fleetwood-off-Wire.
242
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 8, 1903.
THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE.
[" GOVERNESS WASTED, who will be able and
willing to inflict sound corporal punishment on
two unruly children, aged 11 and 13. State
experience and salary required to Mrs. ."
Christian World.]
YE vinegar virgins, come hither,
Whose temper has always been such
That wooers have left you to wither,
Nor ever felt tempted to touch ;
Forbidding, bespectacled, bony,
The nightmares that nurseries dread,
With hearts that are cruel and stony,
And hands that are heavy as lead ;
Ye spinsters of mustard and pepper,
Whose services no one will need,
W T ho live the lone life of the leper,
Come hither, come hither and read ;
For though you be grim as the Gorgon,
And equally fatal to view,
You may find in this excellent organ
That someone is looking for you.
Come hither, ye feminine Squeerses,
And all ye Miss Murdstones, and ye
Whose passion for juvenile tears is
As deep as the bottomless sea ;
Two small desperadoes, unruly
And simply inviting the cane,
Await your attentions it 's truly
A chance you may not get again.
And as for the laws that are written
You never need care what they be,
Because there are judges in Britain
Who laugh at the S. P. C. C.
So wallop your victims, endeavour
To urge them along in the search
For wisdom, remembering ever
That knowledge's tree is the birch.
OUR POINT TO POINT
LUNCHEON.
To finish the hunting season, a dozen
of us who were to ride in the Point to
Point steeplechase agreed to lunch
together in a tent beforehand. We
thought it would be such a pleasant
function.
It began to rain just before twelve,
and the wet was dripping steadily
through our canvas roof into the salad
bowls and on to the beef, as we, with
mutual greetings loud, but lacking
somewhat in joviality took our places
at the trestle table.
"Looks like a thing to support a
coffin on ! " cried young BILKINS.
It was a cheerful remark to make
under the circumstances, and it struck
me that three or four men immediately
became gloomy.
THRUSTERFORD JONES was voted to the
chair, and his first remark was :
"I say, you chaps, it's a ripping
course for to-day : regular cut-throat
line, eh? I like these thumping big
courses myself."
Nota Bcne. T. J. was not riding in
the race.
I replied : " Ye-s oh, yes so do
I." But somehow my own tones lacked
conviction.
T. J. (cheerily). It 's far best to make
up the fences really big : horses rise at
them better until they tire, of course,
then you get a crumpler !
I repeated rather absently : " Yes,
then you get a crumpler."
T. J. I mean to go down to that
beastly-looking place the drop into
the lane, over some high new timber.
That 's the spot where the " grief " -will
come in !
I said mechanically : " Yes, that 's
the spot where the grief will come in,"
and pushed my plate away from me.
Never could stand the smell of cooking
when not feeling very well.
T. J. (laughing boisterously). By
Jove, I wouldn't have that timber and
the drop beyond if you were to offer
me fifty pounds !
ARCHIE SMITHSON here struck in :
" Oh, rot, THRUSTERFORD ! I saw
DARLINGTON get safely over it last
season."
T. J. Yes, on a horse he paid a
monkey for ! But wait till you chaps
get down there to-day ! By gad, I
wouldn't miss the fun for any money !
Always was a breezy creature, THRUS-
TERFORD. Did not feel particularly breezy
mvself at the moment.
T. J. (to me). You 're eating no lunch,
FUNKFORT. Feel a bit off colour ?
Everybody turns to look at me, whilst
conversation is momentarily suspended.
Could have cheerfully attended THRUS-
TERFORD'S obsequies at that embarrassing
moment. So exhilarating for those
about to engage in hazardous emprise
to listen to his agreeable prattle.
I say, " Ha, ha ! deuced funny fellow
you are. Pass the Moet, will you, old
chap ? ' '
That "Ha, ha! " did not ring quite
as true as I could have wished, but to
bridge over the dreadful moment of
silence it served.
I was to ride THRUSTERFORD JONES'S
Sudden End in the race, and now his
owner told me all about him.
"He's a splendid jumper, and
although he pulls very hard and rushes
all his fences, he gets over them
somehow. And he '11 jump this course
to-day all but that place into the lane,
and there you 'd better have it some-
where out of the crowd ; he 's pretty
sure to ' come it ' over the rails, and
then you can take your toss without the
rest jumping on you. Well, ta, ta. I 'm
just going to see that the surgeon is
here, and the ambulance men not too
drunk to work when they 're wanted."
Wish I had THRUSTERFORD JONES'S
) bright, hopeful disposition. Swallowed
lump in my throat and went out to my
mount Sudden End- -encouraging name
for a steeplechaser. Told groom I
thought horse not fit groom said he was
groom a fool. Said I hadn't weights
enough to make up the thirteen stone
- groom said he had plenty- -man 's a
drivelling idiot. Told him at last I
was sure the horse was lame in the
stifle groom about to deny it when I
dropped a sovereign into his hand
groom closed one eye and immediately
saw the lameness groom very smart
fellow, and led horse away directly. 1
promptly walked over to far side of
course to see race always see race
best from far side of course : less
crowd ; besides, I did not exactly
wish to meet THRUSTERFORD JONES : he--
he he might be feeling disappointed,
and I had a sort of impression that he
would not see that stifle lameness, and
might insist upon starting the horse.
Some men are very cruel that way, and
have no consideration for their frien -
horses ' f eeli ngs .
A PASTORAL.
THE weather (in the past
Emphatically bitter),
Seems to have changed at last.
The birds begin to twitter.
The rivers, decked with sedge,
In lavish streams are flowing.
On every side the veg-
-Etables, too, are growing.
The young man's fancy turns
In almost all directions ;
Promiscuously burns
The lamp of his affections.
Approaches now the close
Of Rugby and of " Socker ; "
The football jersey goes
Back to its native locker.
To make rough meadows flat
The cricketer is toiling ;
He scans his favourite bat,
In case the thing wants oiling.
The bard begins to tear
His hyacinthine tresses,
Or polishes with care
Last year's returned H.S.S.
The farmer once again- -
I learn from one who knows it
Takes quantities of grain,
And walks about and sows it.
Dear friends, who hear my song,
Of brain decay acquit me.
That explanation 's wrong
I '11 make it clear. Permit me.
The reason why I sing,
The point at which I 'in driving,
Is simply this : that Spring
Is rapidly arriving.
APRIL 8, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
243
THE GREAT MISUNDERSTOOD.
DEAR MR. PUNCH, In view of the fact
that representatives of the British Parlia
raent have been invited to visit Canada
during the Easter Recess, I beg to make
a few suggestions and offer some hints
that will be found of the highest value
When the august company arrives at
Halifax it will be met by Mr. PARKIN
and others, who will attempt to present
an address expressing their satisfaction
" at this further evidence of the spread
of Imperial ideas " ; but the committee
should begin right by firmly refusing
to accept addresses between meals. This
will not only insure them a sufficiency
of banquets, but save them from water-
brash on the brain, due to an over-
indulgence in illuminated rhetoric.
When passing through Montreal and
Quebec the visitors must step lightly
so as to " let sleeping dogs lie. While
in Montreal they should not fail to visil
the ruins of the Ice Palace, which is still
freezing the reputation of the country,
though a dozen years have passed since
it was built.
When visiting Toronto in order to
receive the homage of the Orange
Lodges they will probably be waited on
by a deputation from the Canadian
Club, whose members will sing the new
Imperial song, " The Red Tape of Old
England." As this song promises to
become a favourite in all the Colonies, the
visitors should listen to it attentively.
It will not be necessary to visit
Ottawa, as most of the Knights who
make up its population have already
been on exhibition in England.
After banqueting at Winnipeg the
explorers should leave the railway line
and cross the plains on prairie schooners.
These interesting conveyances are very
comfortable, as they are so arranged
that the traveller gets the whole spring
of the axle.
They must not expect, however, to get
any jerked buffalo meat or pemmican at
wayside inns, for the buffalo has really
disappeared. In the words of the poet :
" No more in herds the bison sweeps
Across the trackless plains ;
The Kastern pie-belt wider creeps,
And holds its sodden gains.
" Where once the Indian to the death
Chased pioneer and scout,
The Swede, with alcoholic breath,
Sets rows of cabbage out."
On reaching the Rocky Mountains
they will be given a chance to select
peaks and bluffs for which they will be
asked to stand as godfathers. They
should accept the kindness, as it is one
of the pretty customs of the country to
name mountains after important visitors,
and there is still enough rock and ice to
go round.
In British Columbia they will begin
to see signs bearing the legend, " Keep
I ( T I
Estate Agent (to Labourer's Son). "HERE, MT Bor, WHEEE CAS I FIND TODB FATHER ?'
Boy. " IS THE PlO-BTTE, SlR. YOD 'LL KSOW HUt BT 'IS BROWS *AT ! "
off the Disputed Territory." They will
3e wise to take the hint. While in
;his district they will probably see
lordes of hungry promoters hovering
ou their flanks. As it is really worth
while to see these fierce creatures in
action, they should devote some time to
a study of their habits. All that is
necessary is to show them a roll of
notes, and they will do the rest. To
see them pry apart a capitalist and his
cash is a sight never to be forgotten
jy the capitalist. In case, however, any
visitor should wish to render himself
mmune from the mining fever to be
vaccinated, as it were the writer begs
to say that he has some mining stock
which he bought long since, and is
still hunting for another sucker to sell to.
By following these hints and avoiding
the usual practice of distinguished
visitors who travel with their months
open and eyes shut, they will probably
learn something that none of their
home-keeping colleagues will believe
after their return. Yours faithfully,
C. A. NCCK.
MESSAGE FROM MARS. A LIBEL Acnox.
If these phrases, culled from a poster
of the Patt Mall Gazette, are to be in-
terpreted on the principle of post hoc,
propter hoc, it certainly seems a pity
that thus early in the career of the
Marconigram there should occur a
regrettable incident likely to affect
the tacit entente cordiale between two
friendlv nlanets.
244
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 8, 1903.
unM
SCENE An Irish Station, Fair Day.
Porter. " AN' WHAT THE DIVIL ARE TE DOIN', TYING THAT DONKEY UP THERE ? "
Pat (slightly under the influence, taking his new purchase home). "SnuiiE AN' I'VE A PERFECT CIQHT TO! HAVEN'T INTAKES A TICKET
FOR THE BASTE"! "
CHARIVARIA.
THE Liberals in the House continue
to be polite to Mr. CHAMBEKLAIN, and the
Adulterated Butter Bill has passed
through the Committee stage.
Sir HENRY CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN has
expressed himself as in favour of the
payment of Members of Parliament.
The Eight Honourable Gentleman does
not seem to realise that, if Members
were to be paid, the Public might
insist on getting value for their money.
A question has been asked in the
House about the abolition of the lance
in the Army. It may not be generally
known that the abolition is due to the
influence of Lord KITCHENER, who had
such trouble with the State Lancers
at the Durbar Ball.
Some disappointment has been caused
because the Royal Commission on
Sewage Disposal has issued its report
without touching the question of Alien
Criminals.
The War Office is about to embark
on an expenditure of at least 160,000.
Woolwich Arsenal is to be enlarged,
and the cost has been estimated at
80,000.
Orders have been given for experi-
ments to be made with a new Range-
finder. Later on, attention will lie
given to the claims of a Patent Army-
Corps finder.
The Presidents of Salvador and
Guatemala have had an interview on
board a vessel at sea, as a result of
which the differences between the two
Republics have been arranged. The
Presidents were palpably sick of the
previous state of affairs.
It is rumoured that there was no Revo-
lution in Argentina last week.
At Moscow a judge has been found
guilty of burglary, and has been con-
demned to serve for three years as a
common soldier. The other men serving
in the Regiment are asking what they
are there for. _____
To judge by what one saw on Show
Sunday, pictures on gloomy subjects will
be a principal feature of the forthcoming
Academy. Suggested name for this
particular school : The Depressionists.
It is reported that Mr. W. E. HEXLEY
has been served with a summons. It
has been held that his poem on
"Speed," in the World's Work, is so
realistic that he must have exceeded the
pace allowed by law.
With reference to the report that
King EDWARD and President LOUBET
will shortly meet, an Irish newspaper
declares that it may be true about King
EDWARD, but it certainly is not true
about President LOUBET.
SOME "learned experts," observed
Signer MARCONI in his clever speech last
week at the Company's meeting, had
declared that in order to converse with
friends across the Atlantic by means
of the Marconi system, " it would be
necessary to erect towers at each end
several miles high." Signer MARCONI
had no difficulty in dealing with the
absurdity of this "tall talk," and re-
ducing it to the level of common-sense
understandings.
VIRGIL ON GOLF. " Miscueruntque
herbas et non innoxia verba."
Georgics, 3, 283.
PUNCH. OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Armr, S. 1903.
BUFFALO BALFOUR.
(End of first part of the entertainment. Tico weeks allowed for refreshment.)
APRIL 8, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
247
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY or TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, Marclt 30.
Army and Navy both understood to
be fighting forces. Happened to be
to the front to-day in Committee of
Supply. The difference striking. Morn-
ing sitting devoted to Navy, a sleepy
stretch of hours through which the
Admirals, the Captains, and the
OVERFLOWING LOUGH cooed to ARXOLD-
FORSTER as gently as sucking doves.
But Linden saw another sight when
the drums beat at dead of night. To
be precise, it was about eleven o'clock.
Army Estimates on since nine, with
prevalent dulness almost rivalling the
siesta hour of the Navy. Young Generals
below Gangway on Ministerial side,
" WHERE '3 BECKETT '! "
The Prehistoric R-8ch spoiling for a brush
with the Care-dwellers.
coming back after dinner mess they
now call it and seeing CAUNOT BROD-
RIOK on the Treasury Bench, things
began to bubble. It was Cousin HUGH
who flung the fat in the fire. To his
inflamed, distorted imagination, there is
about the Warrior at the head of the
office in Pall Mall something suggestive
of a Nonconformist Minister who insists
on being addressed as Reverend. A
man of few prejudices, that happens to
ruffle a temper constitutionally angelic.
The fact that the fancy is absolutely
baseless has nothing to do with its
force. Wringing hopeless hands over
CARXOT, he insisted upon knowing,
" Where are the guns for which the
right lion, gentleman is waiting ? Are
they in the clouds, and is he waiting
for them to materialise?"
This way of putting it (subtly, if not
designedly, reminiscent of the case of
Frau RornE, of Berlin, whose gift in
the direction of materialising spiritual
flowers and heavenly oranges has just
landed her in prison) plunged a loyal
Ministerialist into condition of anguished
remonstrance.
"Withdraw ! Withdraw ! " he moaned.
"This is not factious Opposition,"
Cousin HITCH meekly said, " as some
people of less intelligence than my
hon. friend behind seem to think."
Here other loyal Ministerialists-
whom later EDMCND BECKETT described
as " having their intellect atrophied
from the effect of overdieting on the
crumbs which fall from Ministerial
plates "cut themselves with knives (of
course in a Parliamentary sense) and
howled.
"Order! Order!" "Withdraw!"
they shouted.
" What ! " cried Cousin HUGH, regard-
ing them compassionately. " Is it
insulting to say that there are some
people less intelligent than my hon.
friend behind?"
This painfully ambiguous. The sting
of it lay in the inflection of voice which
revealed conviction that in the matter
of intelligence zero had been reached
in the case of his honourable but
hapless friend. Anyhow the phrase was
unassailable on the point of order, and
Cousin HUGH, having sprinkled vitriol
round a wide circle of honourable
friends and esteemed leaders, resumed
his seat with that attitude and expres-
sion that ever recalls the ascetic saint
who has temporarily stepped from a
stained glass window to mingle for a
while with mundane affairs.
Business done. In Committee of
Supply on Army and Navy Estimates.
Tuesday night, All afternoon de-
bating Han bury' s Butter Bill. Next to
Land Purchase most deeply interests
Irish Members. Reveals fresh faction
in their union of hearts. It appears
that whilst certain provisions in Bill
carry comfort to the Cork buttermaker,
they are loathed by his colleague in
Limerick. Hour after hour Irish Mem-
bers rise in succession and go for
each other with rival battle cries
"Limerick!" "Cork!"
Out of the mette looms large a per-
sonality that only Ireland could produce.
It is Mr. LUNDON, Member for East
Limerick, by business a farmer, by
aptitude and study a classical scholar of
high degree. In Limerick County he
is known as a " Professor of Languages."
Unfortunately for us the one tongue he
has not mastered is the English. For
full half an hour he spoke in voice and
accent the like of which was never
heard on land or sea. Only here and
there was drift of a phrase fully mastered .
Mr. JEFFREYS in the Chair, in absence "of
SPEAKER and Chairman of Ways and
Means concurrently on sick list,
anxiously strained attention to follow
the oration. For all he knew, the quaint-
looking figure below the Gangway, with
the strongly marked countenance, the
pragmatical grey beard trimmed goatee
fashion, waving its arms aloft as if
hymning incantation , might be blasphem-
ing or uttering sedition.
Quite gratefully the Deputy Speaker
caught a reference toScyllaand Charyb-
dis, the one represented by the landlord,
the other by Gombeen man. (You
should have heard the terrific hatred
and scorn Mr. LUNDON'S inflection of
voice managed to flash around the head
of the Gombeen man.) Deputy Speaker
pointed out that Scylla and Cbarybdis
A PEBOBATIOH FROM LIMERICK.
Mr. L-nd-n beseeches the Committee not to
pat Irish Adulterated Butter between the Scylla
of Landlordism and the Charybdis of the
Gombeen man ; nor to stretch it on the Pro-
crustean bed where the legs of captives laid on
it were cut off by tyrants who put them there
if they were too long (or words to that effect).
had nothing to do with the manufac-
ture of Irish butter.
Oh, yes, Mr. LUNDON was coming to
that ; the Limerick butter-maker on his
way to market had to steer his perilous
way between the two.
Next he began a story about a pirate
who boarded a ship and made the cap-
tain walk the plank. This was under-
stood to have some personal reference to
President of Board of Agriculture. But
whether HANBURY was the pirate, or the
doomed captain, not clear. Deputy
Speaker dashed hope of elucidating
matter by ruling both out of order in
connection with the adulteration of
butter.
248
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 8, 1903.
. riMS
"THE SOWER."
What will he reap ?
(With apologies to J-n Fr-nc-s M-ll-t.)
Then Mr. LUNDON dropped into
foreign tongue. REDMOND cadet, sitting
behind him, believing it was ancient
Erse, sagely wagged his head and
truculently cried, " Hear ! hear ! " The
keener ear of the MEMBER FOU SARK
recognised the musical verse of,ViRGiL
babbling o' cool valleys, and the lowing
kine and soft slumbers beneath the
spreading tree :
Hie secura quies, et nescia fallere vita,
Dives opuin variarum ; hie latis otia fundis,
Spelunca.', vivique lacus ; hie frigida Tempe,
Mugitusque bourn, mollesque sub arbore somni.
It was magnificent ; but it wasn't
butter, even with the lowing kine sug-
gestive of milking time thrown in.
Business done. Adulteration of
Butter Bill read a second time.
Friday night. House of Lords
empty to-night. The statesmen who
lend dignity and colour to stately
Chamber are making holiday. To
distinguish themselves from the com-
monalty they began their Easter holi-
days last Monday, and will not conclude
them till the last two days of April.
In this leisurely recess perhaps they
will turn their attention to a small
matter which happens to loom large
in the convenience and comfort of some
obscure fellow mortals. As everyone
knows, the House of Commons, amend-
ing its ways, transposed the arrange-
ments for its sittings on Wednesdays
and Fridays. Formerly the SPEAKER
took the Chair at noon on Wednesday,
the sitting being adjourned at six
o'clock, whereas Friday was an ordinary
sitting, commencing under the old rules
at three o'clock, terminating at mid-
night. Now Wednesday is in this
respect as Friday, Friday as Wednes-
day. The avowed intention of the
alteration was that Ministers, Members
and others in close attendance through
the week, might, it' they pleased, start
their week-ending on Friday afternoon.
This was a crumb of comfort bestowed
in consideration of the longer hours of
labour toiled through during -the week
under the New Rules. The House
now meeting on Mondays, Tuesdays,
Wednesdays and Thursdays at two
o'clock, with an interval for dinner,
sits at the minimum till midnight,
sometimes later. The British workman
who draws the line at eight hours a
day will understand that when on
Friday evening six o'clock chimes from
Big Ben, his fellow labourer at West-
minster is disposed to profit by his
share of the bargain that took away
from him Wednesday evening.
In establishing new Rules the Com-
mons answered only for themselves.
Four sittings a week, running on the
average a duration of from five minutes
to twenty-five minutes, suffice for noble
Lords. They do not sit on Wednesdays,
but go their even way on Fridays as if
nothing had happened in the other
House. Last Friday was selected for
resumption of debate on Lord ROSE-
BERY'S motion on subject of Council of
Defence. Commons up at half-past five,
went off home assuming that, as usual,
everyone else would be free and the
place locked up. But Members of the
Press Gallery, the little army of at-
tendants at Westminster, and the police
on duty outside, were compelled to
linger on till, at half-past eight, debate
in the Lords literally yawned itself out.
A small matter, as I have said ;
nothing at all to Peers, or even to
Commons. As avoidance is, however,
easy and obvious, it may be worth
thinking about. There is no reason in
the world why the sittings of the Lords
and Commons should not synchronise,
their Lordships transposing Wednes-
day's and Friday's arrangements, as the
Commons did. Or, if that revolution
would have a tendency to undermine
the Constitution, at least care should be
taken not to put down for Friday night
subjects for debate calculated excep-
tionally to exceed the average sittings
of the House. Twice in the brief sec-
tion of the Session already sped this
consideration has been overlooked. The
adjourned debate of last week might
just as conveniently have been put down
for Thursday as for Friday.
Business done. Private Members'.
Wednesday, 8th April. Adjourned
for Easter Holidays. School reopens
Tuesday week.
HUMOUR AS AN EXTINGUISHER. The
Sheffield Daily Independent, in giving
an account of a local fire, states that
Superintendent FROST (a good name for
a humourist) " soon had three powerful
jests directsd into the heart of the
flames."
APRIL 8, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
249
Mother (to Son, wlio lias been growing ratlier free of speech). " TOMMY, IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO SAY 'HANG IT ! ' AGAIN, I 'LL GIVE YOU
SIXPENCE."
Tommy. "ALL RIGHT, MA. Bur I KNOW ANOTHER WORD THAT'S WORTH HALF-A-CROWN ! "
HINTS FOR AMATEUR NOVELISTS.
Of the Storyteller's Aim. The art of
the novelist is at present apparently
complicated by the necessity of writing
with one eye upon the theatres of the
West End. It is not enough to conquer
one world ; having achieved publica-
tion, you will (to be in the fashion)
naturally sigh for production in dra-
matic form. In reality this simplifies
your task. It is no longer worth while
penning long-drawn word-paintings of
after-glows, or moonlit landscapes
thrilling though you would doubtless
make them since they would of course
have to be cut out when your work
bursts its Mudie chrysalis to blossom
into the many-hued butterfly of (say)
His Majesty's. A few brief words at the
head of each chapter ought to be now all
that is necessary. For instance: " Chap-
ter X. Same as Chapter IX. Lights down.
Red lime. The reader will kindly hum
three bars of ' The Honeysuckle, &c.' to
take curtain up. Dulcinea discovered."
and then get on with your dialogue
as soon as you can get anybody there
for her to talk to. Mutatis mutandis,
the moonlit landscape may be similarly
described.
Of Subjects to be avoided. There are
hardly any left, except, perhaps, the
weather, Which is usually considered in
this country a subject sacred to viva
voce discussion. At any rate, on occa-
sions the date of which is fixed either
by yourself or by history, the weather
should not be more particularly described
than you can help. Unless you are
careful, some unpleasantly laborious
person will be sure to write to the papers
to say that he has looked it up, and that
it was astronomically impossible that the
moon could have been shining when you
made her do it.
Of Local Colour. Forget, every now
and then, to translate out of their
original tongue the remarks of your
historical, provincial, or foreign charac-
ters. At least, give them an occasional
swear in their native language. There
are swear-words in Malay, for instance,
that are worth six full-page illustra-
tions.
Of Historical Costume. The neigh-
bourhood of Covent Garden is the place
to study this, and, having regard to the
subsequent destination of your novel,
already foreshadowed, you might, whilst
there, settle the colour of your heroine's
wig. But modern dress is much more
economical for touring purposes.
Of Portraits. As of course you can-
not foresee what the ladies and gentle-
men who will ultimately embody your
puppets will be like, it is best to leave
their personal appearance somewhat
vague. Sketch your heroine in a few
bold strokes " the face of a GIBSOX
girl, with the expression of a BURSE
JONES angel," for instance. This
makes things clear enough, and leaves
your leading lady a free hand. But her
laughter must "ripple" in the book,
whatever it does on the stage.
Of Style. The style is the man.
What it is when as by chance might
be the case you are a lady, there is no
familiar quotation to declare.
SOMETHING BY " TURKS
LONG. DAN LEND.
AND XOTIILST,
250
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 8, 1903.
HIGHWAYS AND BYWAYS.
XX. THE DARE-DEVILS.
THE train, I am told, will be ready to
start in ten minutes. Meanwhile the
ights in the carriages have been turned
off, and it stands by the platform a dark
ind inert mass, while its engine, enjoy-
ng a brief freedom, potters about
short- windedly some little distance
up the line. I grope my way into a
umpartment, and taking the seat near
-he window, gaze out on to the platform,
occupied only by a meditative porter
and a few sleepy passengers on seats.
After a time I hear several footsteps
descending the stairs, and the sound of
voices and shrill giggles. In a few
moments the party comes into sight on
the platform ; two young women in
semi-evening dress and cloaks, and two
young men in silk hats, one of them
carrying a net-bag with shoes in it.
They are disposed to be somewhat
rowdy in a subdued kind of way. As
they advance up the platform, the
weak-kneed young man in pince-nez,
whom I immediately detect as the chief
dare-devil of the party, begins to sing
in a fairly audible voice a mild comic
song of the parochial bazaar type. At
this the ladies are very fluttered and
shocked, and on the whole a little
pleased with the conviction that he is
a terribly rowdy fellow, and that they
are rather a gay party altogether.
After questioning a porter, the
quartet continue their march up to the
extreme end of the platform. I have
risen and am looking out of the
window. As they turn, Pince-Nez
pretends to knock off the hat of his
companion, a fat young man, in face
rather like a dazed sheep, and the pair
fall to fencing with their umbrellas
amidst cries of consternation from the
ladies. This ends in one young man
dropping his umbrella on to the line and
jumping down for it, which shows
courage ; and the other young man
lifting him bodily up, which shows
strength ; and the first young man
pretending to fall down again, which
shows wit. At all of which the young
ladies are shocked and pleased, and
plainly conscious that they never did
have such a time in all their lives.
Soon the party approaches the train
which is still in darkness, and, as it
chances, selects the compartment where
I am seated once more in the corner
They enter, Pince-Nez displaying humor-
ous terror at the darkness a terror
which siiddenly assumes a distinctly
genuine note when he sits down unex-
pectedly on top of me. However, he
retrieves his character by piitting his
head out of window, and addressing
the meditative porter in a voice whicl
^eems to me badly pitched if it is
ntended to reach him.
Porter, old chap, why don't you
urn the lights on? I can't see to hear
myself speak."
The ladies are quite overwhelmed by
he reckless devilry of this last effort.
Whereupon the Dazed Sheep is moved
3y a spirit of emulation to imitate a
'og-horn, which gains a certain amount
of admiration, though totally eclipsed
mmediately after by Pince-Nez on the
amps being suddenly turned on pre-
-ending to be struck by lightning.
At last the train moves on. As we
jet clear of the station Pince-Nez boldly
strikes up the " Swinee River"; the
Dazed Sheep joins him, and the ladies
opposite, with a nervous glance in my
direction, chime in in still small voices
with a visible consciousness of the
audacity of the whole proceeding. The
chorus finished, Pince-Nez, elated by his
success, proceeds to the second verse :
" When I was playing with my brother,
Ha-ap-py was I "
Suddenly Pince-Nez's top hat is
whipped off his head from behind, and
waved wildly in the air by a mysterious
black hand. The ladies gasp, then
almost shriek with terror at the appari-
tion which has appeared above the
partition, the apparition of a filthy face
surmounted by a dented bowler hat.
" Tee turn tee turn tee tumty ! " sings
the apparition, beating time with the
captured silk hat, " that 's the style,
boys an' gals orl together :
" ' Woh tike me to my dear ole mother,
Theer let me live han die.' "
The apparition pauses, and contem-
plates the scared group.
" Come on, some of yer," he urges ;
"that ain't 'arf singin'. Show 'em the
wye, BERTIE," addressing the Dazed
Sheep, who has fallen into a kind of
terrified trance " any song yer like.
There ain't many as I cawn't sing, I
give yer my word."
The quartet are silent.
"Tell yer wot I will do," remarks
the apparition, replacing the hat
boisterously over Pince-Nez's left eye-
brow, " I '11 give y' a chune myself."
He disappears for a moment behind
the partition, then, reappearing again,
lowers a greasy bundle on to Pince-Nez's
lap.
" 'Old my pawcel a minute, mate,'
he says, " while I git over." Then, to
the consternation of every bod}", pro-
ceeds to clamber over the partition into
our compartment.
"That's the wye ter do it," he
observes, scraping a pair of muddj
hobnailed boots down Pince-Nez's anr
as he slides heavily on to the sea
beside him. " "Ere we are orl together
snug an' comferble. I '11 tike the pawcel
mate."
He is a huge burly man, connected, I
>hould say, to judge from his hands and
'ace, with some industry with a good
deal of black oil in it. The train has
ust stopped at a station ; I notice the
quartet glance towards the window in
hunted way, but the platform is
deserted. The train moves on again,
nd they regard their companion appre-
lensively.
" If it's a song yer want," he observes
with enthusiasm, "I'm the bloke for
yer. Tell yer wot I will do. I '11 give
ver a chorus, then yer can orl join in.
More sosherble. Narthen, boys an' gals,
orl together ! "
Amidst a general silence he proceeds
x> sing with energy :
' We 're orl on the booze on the tiddley 'ni till
Monday,
We won't be at 'ome with the missis au' the
kids on Sunday.
If we get pinched we '11 kick the copper iu
the eye.
We put away the lotion as if it was the ocean
when we 're on the tiddley hi."
He desists, and mops his face with
the loose end of Pince-Nez's muffler.
" Yer didn't 'arf sing up, any of yer,"
he observes cheerily. "Give us a reci-
tashun, CHAWLEY. You 've got a comic
fice."
Pince-Nez, very flushed, affects to be
interested in an advertisement. The
oily man, in the best of spirits, turns
to the lady opposite him.
" Woddyer think o' the Licensin'
Act?" he inquires chattily. "Orl
right, ain't it? Corl this a free
country ! Yer cawn't corl yerself free
when y' aren't allahd V 'ave a pint o'
beer, can yer nar? I ask yer."
The lady makes no reply.
"Wot 's more," he continues empha-
tically, "not only yer mayn't get
boozed yerself, but y' ain't even alland
to 'elp a pal. I put it ter you, Miss,
serposin' you ain't on the Bleck List
yerself an' you meets a pal in the street
wot is, an' she sez ter you, ' I 'm on the
Bleck List,' she sez, ' buy us a bottle o'
Bass, ole gal,' are you goin' ter refuse
'er? 0' corse you ain't. Not you.
Why it ain't English. Give us a song,
BERTIE. You ask 'im, Miss, I see it s
you 'e 's a-mashin'. Why 'e 's carryin'
yer little tootsie-cases for yer. Wot oh,
BERTIE ! "
I have never seen a sheep scarlet
with confusion before, but I know now
what it would look like under these
circumstances. Pince-Nez is struggling
between indignation, fear, and a desire
to appear pre-occiipied.
"Let 's 'ave the chorus agine," re-
marks the oily man cheerfully. " Nar-
then, boys an' gals orl together :
' We 're orl on the booze on the tiddley h
till
'Ere, uUo! Turn'ill Pawk ? "
APRIL 8, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
251
He rises hastily, and seizing his bundle, stumbles over the
I)a/.cd Sheep's legs out on to the platform, then puts his
head ill at the window.
" So long, < '" v \VI.I:Y. Keep a-mashin' of 'er, BERTIE. Once
more, boys an' gals! -
" ' \\V 're orl i.ii tin' IK... /.! ..ii ihe tiddley lii till Monday,
\Vi' won't bo at 'unit- with the missis an' the kids on Sunday
The train lias moved on, leaving the oily man on the
platform, beating time and waving farewells alternately with
i he dented bowler hat. His song grows fainter and fainter,
then is merged in the rattle of the train. The quartet are
painfully subdued. Pince-Nez is the first to speak.
"I had half a mind," he declares, "to chuck the fellow
out at the first station."
"Ah, that's just the point," puts in the Dazed Sheep;
" but the question is are you allowed to do it? How does
the law stand ? "
" That 's just what I was thinking," avers Pince-Nez, and,
the ladies being silent, the pair enter upon a highly technical
legal discussion, in which each party is most conscientiously
precise in putting the other right on the remoter details of
hypothetical side issues.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
IN The Arcadians, by J. S. FLETCHER (JoHN LONG), the
liveliness of the idea and the quaintness of the style are, at
first, fascinatingly amusing. Had this series of chapters
that set forth the slight story been contained within a limit
very little in excess of that allowed to The Wee Macgregor,
its success would never for a moment have been imperilled.
As it is, however, the freshness gradually wears off, even
the absurd nomenclature of the characters becomes weari-
some affectation, and the bloom is no longer on the rye.
As throwing light on the Boer side of the war in South
Africa, better far than some bulkier tomes is a little volume
just published by FISHER UNWIN. A Woman's Wanderings
During the Anglo-Boer War is its title, almost as lengthy as
the average trek. The writer is quaintly presented as Mrs.
( ieneral DE LA REY, as who should say Lady General ROBERTS
or Lady General IAN HAMILTON. In a narrative that is a
model of simplicity the writer always refers to her burgher
husband as General DE LA REY. Mrs. General happily does
not attempt to write a book. She just jots down what she
-:m and what at the moment she thought. For twenty
months she and her brood were in flight, with METHUEN'S
Khakis, as the Boers called the English, ever thundering at
their heels. It is curious to note how little she knows of
the trend of events over the wide battlefield. Few incidents
of the campaign struck nous autres more sharply than DE LA
REY'S swoop down on METHITEN'S little army, routing them
and capturing their wounded General. Mrs. DE LA REY
makes very little of an astounding event over which
Mr. Swirr MACNEILL jubilantly chuckled in the hearing of a
pained House of Commons. " What she does mention is her
afternoon call upon the wounded foe, and her friendly
conversation. "I had a fat chicken killed," she writes,
"and I took some biscuits and sent them with the chicken
to the wounded lord." A fat chicken, look you. Nothing
less for the pitiless hunter whom the much-entreated Lord
had finally delivered into the hands of the burgher. A
homely, cheerful, hopeful, resourceful woman is Mrs. General,
whom my Baronite warmly commends to the personal
knowledge of people who watched the War from afar.
The Occasional Assistant Baronite has just read two inter-
esting books by an American humourist, yclept ALFRED
HENRY LEWIS, and entitled WolfviUe and Wolfville Days
MORE SIGNS OF A COMING SPRING.
(ISBISTER), and is more than ever convinced that the
humour of one country is not always that of another. It is
many a long year since the late BRET HARTE took two
continents by storm with the pathos and drollery of The
Luck of Roaring Camp, and other tales singularly rich
in local colouring, whose lingo was sufficiently evident
to amuse without wearying. Now the fault with Mr. LEWIS'S
tales of Far West life is that there is a little too much
dialect and not enough descriptive matter in sound every-
day English.- None the less, these reminiscences of an " Old
Cattleman of Arizona " are very bright, very original, and,
in a sense, even valuable, as giving us a vivid picture of a
kind of nomadic existence often talked about but very rarely
experienced. Both volumes abound in humour of an original
sort, and will doubtless meet with as much success in the
Old World as they have in the New. But, frankly, we
would prefer not having to turn so often to an interpreter
otherwise a Glossary to make things clear.
Semi-Society, by FRANK RICHARDSON (CHATTO AND WINDUS),
is a cleverly-written story of a " set " in what the author
terms "semi-society." The characters, all carefully drawn
in black and white, black predominating, are suggestively
representative of types familiar to the up-to-date man about
town. The final strong sensation scene is well led up to.
The variety of subjects treated by many differing writers
in Mr. JAMES KNOWLES'S Nineteenth Century and After
("and after" is delicious what is it after?) for this month
ought to attract any number of differing readers. Even a
GALLIC, who "cares for none of these things " that arouse
Lord HALIFAX and Lady WIMBORNE, will be anxious to know
what Mr. HENRY ARTHUR JONES may have to say about
"Literary Critics and the Drama," likewise how Sir WEMYSS
REID regards the doings of "Last Month," and what may
be Mr. KEIR HARME'S opinions on " the Independent Labour
Party." An article on "The Novels of Peacock," by
HERBERT PAUL, has specially attracted the attention of
THE BACON DE B.-W.
A Drastic Remedy.
THE Daily Mail publishes the following advertisement,
from which we feel compelled, by courtesy, to omit the
name of the inventor and his apparently murderous drug :
T> EMEMBER THIS TO-DAY : no one can sleep or rest where there
-*-* is the painful noise of whooping cough, most of all the child.
3ive it 'a and it vanishes.
(The italics are our own, not the poor child's.)
252
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 8, 1903.
A "BEAU IDEAL" AT THE HAYMARKET.
COLMAN and GARUICK'S comedy entitled
T)ie Clandestine Marriage, the author-
ship of which a good many well-
informed people, being asked offhand,
would attribute to SHERIDAN, is a
curiosity, not a classic. It owes its
survival as a possible attraction to the
character of Lord Oglcby, which,
originally intended by GARRICK as a part
for himself, offers rare opportunities to
any distinguished comedian following
in the line of KING and FARREN. Other
actors who have attempted the part
"were," according to DAVISON'S "re-
marks" which preface the published
play, "but futile fellows." No wonder
then that so perfect a comedian, and
one so specially good in " character
parts," as Mr. CYRIL MACDE, should
have chosen to revive The Clandestine
Marriage at the Haymarket, and that
his partner in the management, Mr.
FRED. HARRISON, should have been in
accord with him.
This comedy, which in its plot is
inferior to GOLDSMITH'S She Stoops to
Conquer (a "farce," as Dr. JOHNSON
described it), and hardly worthy to be
mentioned in the same breath with even
SHERIDAN'S Trip to Scarborough, possesses
a few scenes as dear to the good actor
as they are delightful to an appreciative
audience. Such are those where Lord
Oyleby appears with Canton, his valet ; and others in which
the vulgarity and snobbishness of Sterling and his rich
sister, Mrs. Heidelberg (not the Old Heidelberg, by kind
permission of Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER), and the shrewishness
of Miss Sterling, are dramatical!}- contrasted with the
gentlemanly tone of Melville, the quiet earnestness of Love-
well, and the placid sweetness of the somewhat too demure
Fanny who is the real heroine of The Clandestine Marriage..
The last scene of all, where everyone is in night-dress
and dressing-gown, save the clandestinely married couple
and their lady's-maid, belongs to the realm of broad farce,
and in a modern "comedy" would not be tolerated, unless
the comedy were announced in the bills as " farcical."
The acting at the Haymarket is as nearly perfect as it can
be, though the Sir John Melville and the Lovewell of Mr.
ALLAN AYNESWORTH and Mr. C. M. HALLARD are rather out of
the old picture, savouring too much of the young man of
the most modern up-to-date comedy.
The Swiss valet (this sounds picturesque) of Mr. ERIC
LEWIS is delightful. It is quite a fresh character ; he is the
most cheerful, the most imperturbable butt for his master's
paltry witticisms, the most companionable creature, the most
perfect superior attendant, without being a " gentleman's
gentleman," that a nobleman like milor Ogleby could pos-
sibly have found.
And Mr. CYEIL MAUDE'S Lord Ogleby! Could it be
improved iipon ? in no particular that I am aware of. His
manner, his grand manner grand in spite of his having
been intended by nature to be a petit maitre~is perfect.
His ailments are not overdone : we do not laugh at his
grievances because they are evidence of his real suffering,
wilfully incurred, it is true, for which we are angry with
his lordship ; but his real buoyancy, the buoyancy of animal
spirits resulting from a naturally good constitution, keeps
him alive. What is it that constitutes this ancient beau a
Mr. Fulhciy (who prides himself on, amongst other things, his "ambidexterity"). "An, MY
DEAR MlSS MAUD, NOT MANY IF ANY ARTISTS COULD DO AS I HAVE DONE. WHEN I SPRAINED MY
BIGHT WHIST I PAINTED THIS PICTURE ENTIRELY WITH UY LEFT HAND."
Miss Maud. "REALLV AH UM BUT WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN MUCH BETTER IF YOU HAD
GIVEN YOURSELF A COMPLETE REST?"
[Delight of Miss M.'s young brother, who " can't stand that Fulltclg at any price."
general favourite with all those among the public who have
the opportunity afforded them of making his acquaintance ?
why, his really generous disposition, and the kind instincts
of the true gentleman he would have been but for his
overweening, yet harmless, vanity.
Mrs. CHARLES CALVERT does her very best with Mr*.
Heidelberg, but this Alt Heidelberg is not a patch (powder
included) on Mrs. Malaprop whom she preceded by about
ten years. Miss JESSIE BATEMAN is a very charming Fanny,
a colourless character, but deliciously painted ; and Miss
BEATRICE FERRAR, at high pressure as Miss Sterling, gives an
importance to a part that, as far as I am aware, has never
been previously attained. Mr. LIONEL RIGNOLD'S Sterling is
a broadly-humorous, strongly-coloured portrait of a vulgar
millionaire.
Mr. JOSEPH BARKER'S scenery, especially that of the garden
with its winding paths, is a most perfect framework to the
action.
But, apart from any other consideration, the Ijord Ogleby
of Mr. CYRIL MAUDE ought to attract all playgoers, and secure
for the old piece such a new success as, on its dramatic or
literary merits, it could not possibly have achieved.
MARCH AND MANTALINI.
[The closing days of March were attended with furious gales, and
storms of hail and rain, throughout the country.] ,
OH, turbulent March ! your traditional claim
This year was a fraud and a sham,
For though we believed you were playing the game,
When a month ago " in like a lion " you came
You went out like a " demmed savage lamb."
AN optimist is a man who always makes the best of bad
luck when it is another fellow's.
APRIL 15, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
253
LITTLE FARCES FOR THE
FORCES.
V. SOLDIERS OF " CHARACTER."
Waiting-room in barracks near Tra-
falgar Square. Colonels SMITH,
JONES and ROBINSON in undress
uniform are standing by the fire-
place and chatting. AH three hare
their eyes on the door which leads
into the recruiting officer's sanctum.
Colonel Jones. I intend to ask our
county Member to press the Govern-
ment to place all the recruiting in the
hands of a first-class servants' agency,
for some of the characters brought by
the recruits who have been sent to my
Regiment lately have been anything but
satisfactory.
Colonel Smith. Quite so. I can assure
you that lads have been sent to me
with recommendations on which my
wife says she would not engage an
under footman.
Colonel Robinson. And the airs a
recruit with a first-class character gives
himself ! I had a letter only the other
day from a boy who said that he was
thinking of changing his situation, and
wanted to know if I allowed every
Sunday out in my Regiment and whether
I gave fish for dinner.
Colonel Jones. I had a lad before me
the other day, a very smart young
fellow, who objected to be attested for
more than twenty-four months, because
he made a point of never remaining
more than two years in one situation.
Colonel Robinson. And the difficulty
of obtaining the wretches ! I always go
personally to interview whoever it is
who gives the reference for any recruit
whom I am thinking of taking, and I
do assure you the lies that I am sometimes
told, the subterfuges that are resorted
to, sooner than give a really straight-
forward answer !
Colonel Jones. It 's heartbreaking,
that 's what it is.
Colonel Smith. I often say to my wife
that I believe we shall come to taking
Chinamen as recruits before long, owing
to the airs and graces the young people
of the lower classes with characters
now-a-days give themselves. All the re-
cruits of one of my companies threatened
the other day not to do any drill and
to report me to the Secretary of State
for War because I gave them Australian
mutton two days running, and because
they thought the table beer which
I drink myself, so please you was
thin.
Colonel Robinson. And they ask for
jam with their tea, and threaten to
report me to the Domestic Servants'
Union if they don't get it. Tyranny,
I call it !
Colonel Jones. I often say I 'd sooner
Tommy (mysteriously). " I SHALL HAVE LOTS OF CAKE THIS SrsoiER, ALL FOR MYSELF."
Mother. " OH ! HAS AUNTY PROMISED YOU SOME 1 "
Tommy (with icitlifring scorn). "No. I 'VE PLAKTED A SEEI>-CAKF, IN THE GAHDEN ! "
do all the work of my Battalion myself
rather than be bothered with my fine
gentlemen's requirements and com-
plaints.
Colonel Smith. At first I stood out
against taking any youth who couldn't
show an excellent character from two
previous situations, but I had to give
up being so particular.
Colonel Robinson. I advertise that
there are billiard tables in all my
barrack-rooms, concerts after dinner on
Saturdays, and a tape machine with the
latest racing results at the Quarter
Guard, but even these attractions do
not bring me quite first-class recruits.
[The door opens and a Staff Sergeant
appears with a paper in his hand.
The Sergeant. Beg pardon, Sirs. We
have two great big country fellows who
say they 've run away from unkind
masters, a sailor who declares that he 's
tired of the sea, five strapping lads
who 've never held any situation, and a
brewer's man who wants to lead a
reformed life.
Tlie Colonels. Not a man with a
character amongst them ! The service
is going to the dogs.
[Exeunt in anger.
BOOKS RECEIVED.
The Billiad. By Col. W. F. CODY,
author of " The Codyssey."
How is Mrs. De "la. ~Rey? By the
Rt. Hon. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN, M.P.,
author of " Lines to an Aasvogel," etc.
Glorious Beer ! By the Rt. Hon. A. J.
BALFOUR, M.P., author of "Salus Publi-
cani Suprema Lex."
The Beauty of Resignation. By
President CASTRO, author of "Forgive
Us Our Debts," and other moral tales.
YOU GSilY.
254
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 15, 1903.
THE POLITE ART: A REVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.
FAITHFULLY to reproduce the style of conversation employed
by our Nobility has never been an easy task for the makers
of novels and "turnovers." Strangely elusive, it seems to
escape crystallisation. From the many attempts to fix a
type of dialogue suited for the Table or the Park we select
just three examples :
(1) There is the famous fragment, still enjoying a
deserved anonymity, which runs as follows :
" ' H 1 ! ' said the Countess, who had hitherto taken no
part in the conversation."
This we may at once discard as contrary to popular
prejudice.
(2) There are the dialogues composed by a brilliant young
writer in an esteemed evening contemporary. They are
instinct with studied intellectual refinement, relieved by
scintillations of sparkling paradox. They seem almost too
good to be true.
(3) From Mr. COSMO HAMILTON'S new book, The Danger of
Innocence, in which we have the results of a life-study of
the manners of our Best Set, we quote a slight but effective
passage out of a dialogue between the Duchess of SURREY
and Lord EPSOM :
'"Wot 0, EPPY!' she cried . . .
' Pip-pip, Duch ! ' replied EPSOM."
This bears the stamp of truth. The style is easy without
being too vulgar : natural and yet not profane.
Taught by these inspired instances what to accept and
what to avoid, we propose to give an impression of a common
or Rotten Row dialogue between two ordinary members of
the Nobility, showing how, at a pinch, they can rise to the
responsibilities of their station, and adapt themselves
to the language expected of them by the better class of
reader :
The Earl (replacing his haf). Got 'em all on this time,
what ?
The Duchess (recovering from a stiffish how). What an
impossible toque ! And she pads her hips, too. Can't think
what induces MONTY to run her like this at Church Parade.
Earl. Must do somethin' for an honest livin', poor devil.
Dessay she pays him by the hour for trottin' her out, like
a Guardsman's cook.
Duchess. Talkin' of style, what do you make of these
people mo tin' in the Park with cloth caps and all over
mud ?
Earl. Beastly sight, I call it. Ought to look smarter
and put their fellows in livery. Been scorchin' lately ?
Duchess. Runnin' down to Hardpans next week-end.
Bridge party. Care to come ?
Earl. Thanks. Don't mind if I do. MADGE asked me
down to Sundials, but 1 shall chuck her. Can't stand this
gardenin' rot at any price. Talks bulbs and herbaceous
borders an' all that sort of truck, an' wants you to know the
rotten names of things. Who 's comin' to you ? The
GOLDSTEINS ?
Duchess. Had to ask 'em because of a tip JACK wants
about the Blue Peters combine. Woman gets on my nerves.
Don't so much mind her cheatin' you know how she
squirms about on her chair when she wants it left to her
lots of 'em do that but it 's so sickenin' when she will
keep on blockin' your long suit by holdin' up her high
cards.
Earl. Always is a bit of a wrench with those kind of
people, havin' to part. (Dropping his voice.) 1 say, BELL,
see that chap hangin' round with the note-book, what ?
Does those Society dialogue-things in one of the evenin'
prints. Shampooin' man at the Tumtums bit above his
place pointed him out to me. Beastly clever an' all that.
Seems to think we talk that way ourselves repartee an'
paradox an' that. Trick of takin' an ordinary phrase an'
rottin' it, don't you know. Pity to ' spoil his illusions.
Couldn't we make an effort an' let him overhear somethin'
tall. Noblesse oblige, what ? "
Duchess (zotto voce). All right, DOLLY. Shall I give you a
lead ? (Aloud, after a pause for invention.) How exquisite
the first throb of Spring, my dear ADOLPIIUS. This is the
acceptable time when the young man's fancy turns to
thoughts of Love.
Earl (concealing the intellectual effort). In the language
of sport, Love and Zero are interchangeable terms; therefore
the young man's fancy undergoes, at this season, no intoler-
able strain. Merely to move on from Monte Carlo to Aix is
not to siiffer an essential development, a vital change of
temperament or condition. WORDSWORTH was right about
our class. The meanest cauliflower is our moral sxiperior.
It furnishes thoughts that do often lie too deep for Peers.
Sometimes, my dear AMABEL, I am almost persuaded to
become a vegetarian.
Duchess. And devour the object of your admiration ! You
find the almond-blossom a dream, and yet, my dear ADOLPHUS,
you would swallow the fruit of it burnt. Even our brutal
soldiery did not go so far as that with JEANNE D'Anc. They
burned her, but they never actually ate her.
Earl. What did the prince of paradoxologists say? " For
all men eat the thing they love." But seriously, while on
the subject of Spring, I rejoice in this modern fashion of
gardening as a recrudescence in the direction of Nature.
Duchess. It is certainly healthier than slumming. But
the names are so much more difficult. I learn a lot of thorn
in the books, but find it so hard to connect them with the
right objects. I go up to something in a greenhouse or an
alley the Dutch kind, I mean ; not the sort with Sallies
in it and feel like the man who said, "I know your name
so well, but I can not remember your face."
Earl. Yet we owe so much to your sex for this revival.
I say revival, for there was doubtless a vogue of botanising
in Eden.
Duchess. True. It was Era, you remember, who drew
ADAM'S attention to the smartest dessert in the garden.
Earl. And your potent influence is not confined to the
introduction of novelties. Golf, cycling, Bridge, and good
dining each of these had long lieeh a confirmed habit with
our sex. It was you who made them the fashion.
Duchess. That is our gift of second sight. We re-discover
the well-known. Besides, one must somehow bring the
sexes together. There 's our instinct for self-preservation.
Earl. A fatal instinct, my dear AMABEL. In order to
bring the sexes together you must studiously keep them
apart. Omne ignotum pro marjnifico.
Duchess. Mais ce nest pas la guerre ? (Lowering her voice)
Was that all right, DOLLY ? No ? Well, do let 's stop. I
can't keep this np much longer. Gettin' a crick in my
brain. Come and sample JACK'S new chef.
Earl. Righto! Ten f -ten f.
[liise and exeunt, chatting easily in the aboriginal.
0. s.
As EXCLUSIVE HIERARCHY. The Cavan and Leitrim
Railway Company advertise in The Cavan Weekly News for
a Station-master in the following fastidious, terms :
Must be a sound Theologian, having Divinity Testimonium ....
Applicants from the back streets, slums, or from Ballybay not attended
to. None but " Upper Ten " need apply.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS .Johnny: Yes. Tan boots
with a frock-coat are still permissible, but the latest thing
among the Smart Set is to have them blacked.
, OR THE LONDON" niAKIVAIU. AI-KII, !.", l'."."..
KIND FRIENDS, \ HAVE SEEN
BETTER DAYS . Au. tvi
EARNE& SWINGS HNVE QONE
TO MX BROTHER BOER. ANB m
RELATIONS, WHO AM
NOW REDUCED TO AFFLUENCE
A DESERVING OBJECT.
RIGHT HON. C. T. R-TCH-E (to himself). "POOR CHAP! I WONDER IF I COULD SPARE HIM A
THREEPENNY BIT ? "
[" The Income-tax payer has the strongest possible claim to relief .... The least that he is entitled to expect is a reduction of the
Income-tax by threepence in the pound." Times.']
APRIL 15, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
257
LIGHT AND LEARNING.
["It is reported from Vienna that an Austrian
scientist has invented a method of obtaining
light from microbes." Daily Press.]
WITH his usual " intelligent anticipa-
tion " of events Mr. Punch foresees in
the future some such paragraphs as the
following :
The new Microbean Installation on
the Embankment is giving great satis-
faction. Of the various experimental
illuminants the Influenza light has been
found to be the most penetrating ; its
only practical defect is that it makes
everything appear extremely blue.
On the occasion of the fifth anniver-
sary of the relief of Mafeking the
illumination of St. George's Hospital
attracted universal admiration. The
entire facade of the building was out-
lined with Mumps and Chicken-pox in
fairy-lamps, while a singularly fine
effect was produced by the employment
of a tubercular search-light on the roof.
The alarming failure of the Bacterial
system throughout the West-End last
evening is said to have been the result
of a deliberate outrage. It is supposed
that the miscreants must have obtained
admission to the central office and placed
disinfectants in the generators. The
affair is under investigation.
QUEER CALLINGS.
VI. THE REBCSCITATOB.
" YES," observed the Resuscitator,
with an air of conscious pride, " mine
is a noble calling. It 's easy enough to
discover a thing that nobody knows
anything about radium or X-rays, or
any silly sort of thing like that. But
to discover things the existence of which
is already well known that is another
story altogether. Yet I do it almost
every week."
We hinted our craving for enlighten-
ment.
"Well," he returned, "my business
is exclusively concerned with the resusci-
tation of standard writers. You see
even-body knows about them, but
nobody reads them unless they can
be galvanised into vitality. That 's
where I come in. I write personal
paragraphs about THACKERAY, or BULWER
LYTTON', or WALTER SCOTT as if I had
just found them out and read them for
the first time which is sometimes
actually the case. Between ourselves,
I never read The Heart of Midlothian
till last week. This is what gives my
work such freshness. No ordinary
critic ever thinks of telling people to
read THACKERAY. He takes it for
granted that they do. Now I know
better. I tell him that they ought to,
because he was such a big-brained,
sane, splendid Englishman, and had
such inside knowledge of the ways of
MIGHT HAVE BEEN EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.
He. " I HOPE TOC ABE BETTEB TO-DAY. I THOUGHT YOU WERE SOT LOOKING WELL WIIE* I WAS
AT YOCB HOUSE YESTERDAY."
She. " I HAD RATHER A BAD HEADACHE ; BUT IT PASSED OFF 8OOS AFTER YOU LEFT ! "
the aristocracy almost as great as that
of HALL CAINE. Now none of your
literary critics would think of saying
that, would they?"
We hastened to assure him that it
was extremely unlikely that they would
adopt such an attitude.
" Then take SOOTT. I admit that he
wasn't a classy writer, that he wasn't
well up in fashionable society, but 1
lay great stress on his industry, and I
point out that his popularity is proved
by the exclamation ' Great Scott ! ' and
so forth, and so I arouse interest in the
old chap and pave the way for cheap
reprints, and introductions and notes by
Mr. ANDREW LANQ or Mr. EDMUND COSSE.*
"And who are your latest dis-
coveries ? "
" Well, I 've had some failures lately.
I tried to discover FIELDINQ, but it
wouldn't work. However, I shall give
him another chance. Just now I am
introducing STEVENSON to the penny
weeklies, but it 's a tough job. Too
fond of fine language was STEVENSON,
but I intend to persevere."
We applauded his dauntless resolu-
tion, and took our leave in a transport
of admiration for this great benefactor.
258
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 15, 1903.
SIGNS OF THE TIMES.
[In the competition just announced by the
Times the first prize is a scholarship of 300
per annum tenable for four years at Oxford or
Cambridge.]
PETER PEEBLES copied letters,
Perched upon an office stool,
But he simply loathed his fetters
And the head-clerk's iron rule.
City ! How could PETER love it
When he had a soul above it ?
There were other things to covet ;
He was not a plodding mule ;
He had plucked Parnassus' grasses
Growing at Extension Classes,
Classes in an Evening School.
As he mourned his sad position,
PETER PEEBLES chanced to hear
Of the Times's competition,
And his brow began to clear.
Though the sordid name of dollar
Moved the cultured PETER'S choler,
Still 'twere sweet to be a scholar
With three hundred pounds a year ;
Sweet to leave the City's vices
For the banks of Cam or Isis,
Isis with its atmosphere.
Seized with sudden wild ambitions
PETER swiftly read the "ad."
As he studied the conditions
PETER'S heart grew gay and glad.
Greek or Latin, mathematics,
Modern languages or statics,
No such mental acrobatics
Bored the Times's undergrad ;
If he meant to go to college
He might still dispense with knowledge,
Knowledge which he never had.
All the facts required by PETER
Might be found in certain tomes
Which defy this modest metre
And encumber many homes ;
So he spent his iitmost saving
On the books which he was craving ;
People thought he was behaving
Like a maniac that foams,
When they saw the waggons shooting
Cartloads at his digs in Tooting,
Tooting where the clerklet roams.
Till the night was old he tarried
O'er the volumes big and brown,
And a tome or two he carried
As he journeyed up to town.
Other men mere clerks and drapers
Might devour their morning papers,
Daily Mails and such-like ha'por's
PETER looked them up and down,
And amid his soulless neighbours
Still continued at his labours,
Labours which should bring renown.
For at length the Times rewarded
PETER, as was only right ;
His the name which they recorded
As the "winner of the fight.
From the City, merry-hearted
As a cricket, he departed,
Packed his weighty tomes and started
Off to Oxford, swift as light,
And at once began to hammer
At the Greek and Latin grammar,
Grammar which he could not write.
Oft he donned his coat of sable,
Oft his evening tie he tied ;
Seated at his little table
Once a quarter Smalls he tried.
But his pains were fruitless ever ;
Howso oft he might endeavour,
Came the Smalls testamur never,
Spite of his " complete inside,"
Till he longed to copy letters
And renew those hated fetters,
Fetters which had galled his pride.
FLOREANT AMB2B.
["A charwoman charged at Westminster with
disorderly conduct said that she was only
shouting 'Floreat Etona," and the constable
thought it was improper language." Daily
Paper.]
Mr. Punch has received two interesting
letters on this subject, which he has
great pleasure in laying before his
readers.
St. Peter's College,
Westminster.
DEAR MR. PUNCH, While I would be
the last to characterise the expression
used by a certain lady in this vicinity
as improper, I venture to submit that
in the circumstances it is hardly decent.
You, Sir, are aware that in the neigh-
bourhood of Westminster the word
" Floreat " can have but one meaning,
and can apply legitimately only to the
royal and ancient foundation of which
I have the honour to be an alumnus.
While, Sir, I yield to no one in my
hearty respect for the royal school
situated rather higher up the river, I
very much fear that the lady in exalting
Eton sought to taunt Westminster. I
reflect that her remark synchronised
with what is now the most important
rowing event of the year, the University
Boat Race ; I reflect too that Eton took
a large and honourable part in that
race and Westminster no part at all ;
and then I reflect that in days gone by
the Eton and Westminster race was
what the University race is now, the
event of the year, and I cannot dismiss
a suspicion that the lady was un-
generously commenting on the fact that
Westminster rows no longer. I think
the action of the constable much to be
commended, though I heartily congratu-
late our sometime rivals on their
deserved success. Sincerely yours,
WESTMINSTER PINK.
Eton College, Windsor.
DEAR MR. PUNCH, I am wholly at a
loss to comprehend the high-handed
action of a certain constable in arresting
a lady for using the words " Floreat
Etona," and further in describing them
as improper language. I have not the
pleasure of the lady's acquaintance, but
I should like to say that she shows a
very proper spirit of appreciation. . I
would hardly like to suggest that the
officer was influenced by local feeling,
but it would almost seem that a West-
minster policeman could not endure the
mention of Eton. I sincerely trust that
he was not moved to jealousy by the
reflection that .Eton has been able to
.continue rovcing, while Westminster,
its old rival, -has been compelled -te
give -it up and become the sleeping
partner in Third Trinity. The con-
currence of the Boat P.ace and the arrest
makes this supposition possible. J
think his behaviour deserving of
censure, though I cannot but say that,
should Westminster ever put an eight
on again, Eton would be the first, to
welcome the circumstance.
Sincerely yours, ETON -BLUE".
ITS SOLITARY MERIT.
[" This little book is well adapted to beguile
the tedium of a railway journey." Literary
Hcticics, passim.]
How bitter is your parent's cup,
How sad, my little book, your case is !
I dreamed that men would pick you up
At all times, in all sorts of places.
Alas ! though critics praise your style,
And hesitate to carp or cavil ;
You 're only useful to beguile
The tedious hours of railway travel !
The well-nigh universal vogue
Of Mr. KIPLING they refuse you ;
Never, when canteens disembogue,
Shall TOMMIES scamper to peruse you ;
And never shall our studious boys
Withinyour page be furtivedippers;
Your function 's to augment the joys
Of jaded, inexpensive trippers !
The " muddied oaf " I dreamed, book !
The scrimmage o'er, would prove your
patron ;
I thought you 'd win, by ingle nook,
Approving smiles from maid and
matron ;
I hoped that dons, in cloistered shade,
Would oft the merits of your tale
weigh ;
'T\vas not to be you 're simply made
To ease the boredom of the railway !
Never, on summer days, shall girla,
Reclining in their hammocks, skip
you;
The jewelled hands of haughty Earls,
In moated castles, will not grip you ;
I weep to think of all your bright
And flashing phrases such as one '11
Not find elsewhere condemned to light
The darkness of a railway tunnel !
APRIL 15, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
2f>9
Licensed Caddy. " CARRY YOUR CLUBS, SIB ? "
Jones (u-ho lias chartered a small boy at a cheap rate). "No ; I'VE GOT A CADDY."
Licensed Caddy. " CARRY YOUR CADDY, SIR ? "
WHO IS IT?
IN the Times there recently appeared
an advertisement so naive in its self-
complacency that it seems to deserve
the immortality which only Mr. Punch's
columns can confer. It ran as follows :
VOUNO- WRITER of exceptional ability,
* author of highly successful novels, articles,
poems. Ac.., original thinker, would be glad to
near of additional roiuiinrrative LITKIUKY WORK.
Terms moderate ; vir\\-s Liberal.
Who can it be ? " Exceptional
ability" at onr<> suggests Mr. HALL
CAINE. But then he is hardly a " Young
Writer." " Highly SHOV-- lid poems "
seems to indicate the Laureate. But then
what terms could possibly bo sufficiently
moderate? "Original thinker '' might
be Mr. BERNARD SHAW. But in that
case "Views Liberal" would be some-
thing of a litotes.
On the whole it seems best to give
up the search for an answer to the
riddle, or to reserve it for the long
winter evenings. The Times might do
worse than add it to the conundrums
which all persons desiring a thousand
pounds are now being invited to solve
with the aid of the Encydoptzdia
Britannica. Or it might be made the
basis of a new parlour game, and
hostesses, at their duller parties, might
hand round papers containing advertise-
ments, and give prizes for the best
guesses as to the identity of the adver-
tisers. A few specimens are sub-
joined :
MIDDLE-AGED STATESMAN of
positively gigantic capacity desires
MORE ASSURED POSITION. Party shows
disposition to shelve him. Terms
moderate. Views Liberal.
VOTING TORY, greatly admired by
section of the Press, desires Cabinet
appointment, preferably SECRETARYSHIP
FOR WAR. First-rate writer and speaker.
ADMIRED DRAMATIST requires
critic of fairness and integrity to
take post on great daily paper. MUST
WRITE ENGLISH.
T)RAMATIC CRITIC desires head of
admired dramatist on a charger.
What offers ?
CAPABLE ADMIRAL, good fellow
but lacking in tact, requires Secre-
tary to keep him from saying the wrong
thing. Must be always at his elbow.
Apply, White House.
MANUFACTURER OF ANTIQUES
desires new sphere of activity.
England preferred. Corota and Con-
stables a speciality. Historic jewelry
carefully simulated. Apply, Paris.
CHAIRMAN, LICENSING JUS-
TICKS, would be glad to hear of
city where licences may be decimated
without arousing comment. Particulars
in confidence at Colonial Office.
ADDING INSULT TO INJURY. In an
account of a lecture given at Portsmouth
by a lady, on the subject of Miss MARIE
CORELLI, the native Press says: "The
lecturer was divided into two parts."
But this was not all ; for we read lower
down that "a vote of thanks to the
lecturer brought the evening to a
close." One would have supposed that
the evening, as far as the lecturer was
concerned, had ended with her tragic
and violent disruption, and that the
subsequent irony would leave her cold.
CLASSIC MOTTO FOR A BOAT-LOAD OF BAD
SAILORS DURING A ROUGH CHANNEL PAS-
SAGE (ITALIAN PRONUNCIATION). " si sic
omnea! "
260
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
[APRIL 15, 1903.
THE MOTORISTS.
You see them sitting head to head
Like pigeons on the tiles,
Whispering from breakfast-time to bed
Of motor-cars and miles.
You see them all intent, profound,
And rapt enjoyment gleaning
From phrases singular in sound
And mystical in meaning.
First they discuss the car as such,
And fill the listener's ear
With all the virtues of the clutch,
The merits of the gear :
Then one explains the reason why
His sparking plug is better,
And takes occasion to decry
The other's carburetter.
From these momentous points the word
To other things is borne,
That coats should, or should not, be
furred,
That goggles should be worn :
That some new-fashioned cap is just
The wear for doubtful weather,
And that your driving gauntlets must
Be more than dogskin leather.
About this conversational feast
Much anecdote is strown,
Stories of highways unpoliced,
And records overthrown :
When each, Imagination's aid
To grace his tale invoking,
Tells of the famous run he made
To Barnet or to Woking.
At last with reverence be it told
To them that favoured are
At last, the coach-house doors unrolled
Reveal the actual car.
It comes, pushed slowly forth by hand,
A process antiquated,
But one to which, I understand,
It is habituated.
Round it the motorists collect
To solemnly admire,
Upon its beauties to reflect,
And stroke its bulging tyre.
Stirred by the sight, with blame or
praise
Their busy tongues begin again,
They gaze and talk, and talk and gaze,
And then they push it in again.
So be it : but when days are fine,
When roads are dry and hard,
These pampered vehicles decline
To leave the stable-yard ;
A cog is bent, a valve astray
In some obscure position,
While many, such is humour's way,
Frankly defy ignition.
One horse of old was well content
To pull us through the mud,
While yonder engines represent
A quite extensive stud.
Ten horses : yet, when all is done,
The mournful issues prove
That of them all no single one
Can be induced to move.
Sometimes, when flaws are unforeseen,
The owners puff and blow,
Twisting and tinkering the machine
In hopes to make it go ;
But oftener, with a genial calm,
They greet the situation,
And seek the house their souls to balm
With further conversation.
You see them sitting head to head,
And murmuring on for hours,
Talking from breakfast-time to bed
Of different motive powers.
About dynamics, oil or steam,
My ignorance is crass,
But I should certainly esteem
Their motive power as gas.
MUNICIPAL TRADING.
(What it may come to.}
COLONEL COURTENAY stepped into the
municipal motor omnibus a halfpenny
any distance somewhat slowly, for he
was getting a little stiff from rheumatism
and old age, and sat down next to his
friend Dr. GOODHART.
" I 'm as well as I can expect to be,
thank you," said he in answer to the
doctor's inquiries, "especially in these
hard times. I see they 're going to raise
the rates again."
" Impossible ! " said the other ; " why,
what are they now? I almost lose
count. I think the last were at eighty-
five shillings in the pound."
" Eighty-five and ninepence," replied
the Colonel, " and now they 're going to
add another seventeen and tenpence.
They say it 's to pay the interest on the
loan for finishing the Municipal Music-
hall and Working Men's Club."
" Very likely, said his friend, " it
all comes to the same in the end. We
have to pay. Talking of Clubs, do you
belong to any now? "
" My dear fellow, what a question to
ask ! I used to belong to the Rag and
several others. By Jove, when I was a
subaltern I thought nothing of joining
a Club. But my old father paid the
rates then, and they were only about
three shillings in the pound. Doesn't
that sound ridiculous ? How could ]
afford any Club now, with the Income
Tax always at half-a-crown and these
infernal rates more than five times the
assessment of one's house? Only a
working man can afford a Club. I wisl
I 'd been a working man."
"I imagine," said the doctor, "that
you worked harder than any of these
fellows when you were in South Africa
and in those other old campaigns. ;
wish I could have a six-hours day, will
a half day three times a week, and no
work on Saturday. When I was able
to afford that shabby little brougham .
got through my work in about nine or
:en hours, not including night work,
out now I 'm obliged to walk, or ride
n these municipal omnibuses, I can
lardly get it in between breakfast and
Dedtime. However, there 's always the
Workhouse to retire to, only they do
all they can to prevent a middle-class
man from going there, because if the
niddle-class give up in despair there '11
oe nobody to pay the rates. By the way,
lid you ever get anything from the
Municipal Tailoring Works ? This suit
came from there. Not bad for half-a-
guinea, is it?"
" Of course not, because the difference
comes out of the rates. But all the
cloth is supplied by contract by one of
the aldermen. I bought this great-coat
for six-and-sixpence last autumn, and
it 's turned a different colour every
fortnight since. Of course the cloth
was dyed in the Municipal Dye Works.
It 's what they call a fast colour. How-
ever, it 's good enough for an old
soldier. It 's only PERKINS, the Mayor,
who can afford to cut a dash. Does he
do any work for you now? "
" Not he ! I 've found a much better
plumber than he ever was, an engineer
come down in the world. The rates
have crushed him. He was telling me
about the new Workhouse, which has
cost nearly a million."
" Why, that 's as much as the new
Town Hall," intermpted the Colonel.
" Oh, no ! That cost a million and a
half. But the Workhouse must be
gorgeous. All the staircases are marble,
there 's oak panelling ev; ry where,
and the best furniture from the Muni-
cipal Furnishing Stores."
"Ah, then, the chairs will break down
under the inmates. I sat on a municipal
chair once. All the wood is supplied
by contract by one of the aldermen.
What 's going on here ? "
" Oh, they 're only tearing up the old
electric tramways. They cost the town
over a million, blocked all the streets for
ten years, and were then given up alto-
gether when these municipal omnibuses
were started. These are run at a loss.
We 've had this one to ourselves all the
way. However, the difference comes
out of the rates, so the working man
doesn't lose."
" Not he ! And all the omnibuses
are siipplied by contract by one of the
aldermen. What 's that infernal noise ?
Is the thing going to blow up? "
" Very likely. I shall get out and
walk. Good-bye, COURTENAY."
" I shall do the same, though these
three - and - sixpenny boots from the
Municipal Boot Works hardly keep the
wet out after a few weeks, and my
municipal umbrella is perfectly rotten.
We 're all going to the dogs as fast as
we ran. Good-bye."
APRIL 15, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
261
PHENOMENAL HEROINISM!
(A Historical Fragment.)
[Under the beading " Fashionable Lady's
Daring Innovation," a dally paper recently
described, in half a column of wonderment,
the apparition in the West End on the previous
afternoon of a bonnet with dark green strings
tied in a double bow slightly to the left of the
chin of a lady most neatly and elegantly dressed,
and still obviously and undeniably young; a
linv cluster of spring flowers adorning the
" confection."]
THE Kalends of April, Anno Domini
Nineteeii-Hundred-and-Three, was an
epoch-making date in the history of the
British Empire.
At half-past three o'clock on that
afternoon a rumour spread like wild-
fire from end to end of the metropolis
to the effect that a strange and startling
spectacle of a feminine nature was to
be observed in Bond Street.
In a few minutes the Tube and
suburban lines were blocked with
streams of hurrying and perspiring
quidnuncs; the service of buses had to
be trebled and quadrupled on all roads
converging to the above-named focus of
fashion ; extra drafts of police were
hastily telephoned for from outlying
districts ; and by four o'clock the crush
was so immense in this particular
quarter that all traffic and circulation
was impossible.
Things began to look ugly, and the
crowd was getting out of hand, when
the new Commissioner of Police, Mr.
E. RICHARD HENRY, thought it advisable
to summon the military. Six Army
Corps promptly arrived in as many
motors, with Mr. BRODRiCKat their head.
By degrees a lane was made to the
centre of attraction, after the Riot Act
had been read and a volley of blank
charge fired.
The cause of the disturbance was
then ascertained and located by
picked body, numbering some hun-
dreds, of interviewers and photogra-
phers, and led by Mr. Punch's own
Special Representative at the Seat of
War.
It was a BUSIXE of the Early Eighties
worn (slightly on the right) by a pre-
possessing and very self-possessed young
lady of some twenty springs.
Such a heroine liad not been seen
since the days of GRACE DARLING, and
special editions recording the progress of
the affair were issued until late at night.
All Fashioudom had been rocked to
its foundation. Dressmakers were
aghast at the audacity of the incident,
while their clients, who had just pur-
chased what they supposed to be latest
costumes, were in despair.
Further details must be looked for
elsewhere, as Mr. Punch's young man
fainted with emotion on being present
at such a portentous scene.
Eccentric f>ld Gent (whose pet aversion it a dirty child). -'Go AWAT, YOU DIBIT GISL, A.SD
WASH YODB FACE !"
Indignant Youngster, " You GO 'OME, TOO DIKTY OLD MAS, AXD DO TEB 'AIB ! "
CHARIVARIA.
A NEW Field Club for ladies is an-
nounced. A feature is to be a special
room for pets. We think this differen-
tiation between the members will lead
to trouble.
Mr. BRODEIOK, who is all thoughtful-
ness for his recruits, is reported to be
about to introduce a much -needed
reform. In future our barracks are to
have playgrounds attached to them,
containing real sand, &c. Our readers
will remember that similar enclosures
are set aside for children in many of
our public parks.
Hospitable Lisbon has been crowded
with people embracing in the streets
and lifting one another's scarf-pins.
Wonderful things are happening in
Ireland. A new era of loyalty is being
ushered in. At the Cork Agricultural
Show the KINO'S cattle were loudly
cheered.
Since New Year's Day twenty persons
have been placed on the Black List at
Manchester. All were ladies.
What part of a man is the east end ?
"Man shot in the East End," as the
papers say.
A Cambridge cycle-maker wrote to
his sweetheart that he hoped Providence
would find a means of separating them.
His wish was granted through the
agency of the local Court. The fee was
just 100.
New by-laws for Bognor have put a
penalty of 5 on steam-organ playing.
Owners of Locomobiles in the neigh-
bourhood are indignant.
We understand that the authors of
Wisdom While you Wait are preparing
to publish u sequel dealing with the
Times Competition. Mr. Punch's young
men are to be congratulated on their
enterprise, seeing that the Times, like
the Poet Laureate and the KAISER, has
taken to producing its own imitations
of its imitators. One recalls the historic
precedent furnished by Miss CISSIE
LOFTCS, when she burlesqued Miss LETTY
LIXD'S burlesque of Miss CISSIE LOFTUS'S
burlesque of Miss LETTY Lim
262
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 15, 1903.
EASTER MANCEUVRES.
Adjutant. " Youn ORDERS ARE THAT WHEN you ARE ATTACKED, CATTAIX SLASHER, YOU ABE TO FALL BACK SLOWLY."
Capt. Slasher. " IN WHICH DIRECTION AM I TO RETIRE, SIR ? "
Adjutant. "WELL, THE PROPER WAY, OF COURSE, WOULD BK OVER THAT HILL, BIT TIIKY IXTEXD TO HAVE LL-XCH BEHIND THAT
FA'RUHOUSE ix THE VALLEY."
RHYMES OF THE EAST.
ELEGY ON AN INDIAN COMPOUND.
" Where ignorance is bliss,
"fis folly to be wise."
THE time-gun rolls his nerve-destroying bray ;
Tlie toiling moon rides slowly o'er the trees ;
The weary diners cast their cares away,
And seek the lawn for coolness and for ease.
Now fade the lessening echoes on the night,
And melancholy silence rules the scene,
Save where the bugler sounds, with conscious might,
And thirsty THOMAS leaves the wet canteen ;
Save that from yonder lines in deepest gloom
Th' ambiguous mule does of the stick * bewail,
Whose dunder craft forbids him to consume
His comrade's blanket, or his neighbour's tail.
Beneath those jagged tiles, that low-built roof,
(Whose inmost secret deeps let none divine !),
Each to his master's voice supremely proof,
The Aryan Brothers of our household dine.
Let not Presumption mock their joyless pile,
The cold boiled rice, in native butter greased ;
Nor scorn, with rising gorge and painful smile,
The cheap but filling flapjacks of the East.
Full many a gem of highest Art-cuisine
Those grim unleavened cates would overweigh ;
s ' The divider-stick an ingenious instrument devised to defeat this
extraordinary appetite.
Full many a " dish to set before the Queen "
Would lack the substance of that poor display.
Nor you, their lords, expect of these the toil,
When o'er their minds a soft oblivion steals,
And through the long-drawn hookah's pliant coil
They soothe their senses, and digest their meals.
For Knowledge to their ears her ample store,
Rich with the latest news, does then impart,
Whose source, when known, shall chill you to the core,
And freeze the genial cockles of the heart.
For once, to long neglectfulness a prey,
Resentment led me undetected near,
To "know the reason " of this cool delay,
And teach my trusty pluralist to hear.
There to my vassals' ruminating throng,
Some total stranger, seated on a pail,
Perused, translating as he went along,
My private letters by the current Mail.
One moment, horror baulked my strong intent ;
Next o'er the compound wall we saw him go,
While dismal shrieks, with deprecation blent,
Deplored the pressing tribute of the toe.
The Moral.
To you, fresh youths, with round, unblushing cheeks,
Some moral tag this closing verse applies ;
E'en from the old the voice of Wisdom speaks
Even the youngest are not always wise !
From Exploration's curious arts refrain,
The alluring fields of Orient lore eschew :
Lest you should learn nor ever smile again !
The dubious customs of the mild Hindoo. Duji-Duir.
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. APRIL 15, 1903.
THE INFANT HEKCULES,
APRIL 15, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
205
READY MADE COATS(-OF-ARMS) ; OR, GIVING 'EM FITS!
WILLIAM ST. JOHN BRODIUCK, Isx VISCOUNT RECKONER OF SLUMBOYS ;
BAROS SCHEMEU, OF ARMEOORE.
/Inns Quarterly: 1st, under a chief premier, loyal in support, issuant therefrom at intervals
perfunctory cheers resonant in isolation, the humbert of debate on a bluff proper swelling out his
war-chest unduly ; 2nd, a british lion reguardant askance, holding in reserve a rod proper of chas-
tisement, salted in pickle, shirty, chafy, hoping for the best or ; 3rd, an antique hungarian
war-horse or remount proper, warranty shady, spavined, dicky, groggy at the knees, rushed up
moribund to the front, replaced mahogany or mules ; 4th, before an expert teutonic staff, plumed,
padded, tight-laced all proper in pince-nez, a civilian war-minister arrayed khaki for the nonce
as a General (object) of Derision ; over all on an escutcheon of pretence, a demi-bull in fury,
mantled purpure, disillusioned in warfare, stricken in prestige, and bent erstwhile on changes
drastic to the last, stumping up freely or and argent, gazing mesmericalh hypnotised in fatuity at
six sketchy hypothetical armecores, of the continent, damcillees in conception, anesthetically
flaunted in solace. (Supporters not yet granted.) Crests : 1st, a sheaf of regulation cavalry
lances imbrued gules on sen-ice in the field, wreathed in laurels, doggedly superseded, labelled
passive in museums ; 2nd, an impenetrable parliamentary target proper, case-hardened, harveyised,
stubborn in surface, pounded, pommelled and slated, backed solid in concrete, invected flank-
wise by a band issuant from a cave of the fourth, sinister in design, but sejant supporterwise
on tlie dexter side, led by an heraldic beckett or esquire urgent, gifted in debate, conjoined
nightly in criticism, 1st, with a scion of talent, pallid, willowy, of the house of Cecil, clutchant
recruitlets cornabois, urchins slouchant of the slums, inflatant puffy of the chest under medical
inspection. Seeond Motto : Frangas non flectes " You may break (away), but you won't
bend me."
NEWSPAPER RECOLLECTIONS.
A.D. 2003.
[A popular feature of the modern newspaper
is the column devoted to the recalling of anni-
versaries.]
THIS year has a melancholy interest
in that it is the centenary of the terrible
catastrophe which befell a portion of
our Army and cast a gloom over
England during the Spring of 1903.
We refer of course to the sudden and
awful disappearance of two entire Army
Corps. Exactly how the tragedy oc-
curred will never be known. No one
seems to have seen the ill-fated troops
prior to their supposed annihilation :
yet that they were living at the begin-
ning of the year is proved by the i'act
! that about that time the War Secretary
i publicly referred to the recent formation
of these bodies. Many conjectures were
' put forth regarding the fate of the
troops, but the awful mystery was
apparently never solved, and to this
day we know no more of the matter
than did our ancestors.
A propos of the Army an echo of the
past is sounded to-day by the announce-
ment that the War Office have decided
to proceed immediately to the distribu-
tion of the remainder of the medals
gained in the Boer War of 1899-1902.
Descendants of heroes engaged in that
campaign are requested to apply forth-
with to the authorities at Pall Mall.
" Long-Bow " writes to say that he is
still able to recollect seeing, when a very
little boy, a domestic servant working
in a kitchen. He says that " this eccen-
tric person had the greatest contempt
for the privileges of her station, and
declined to join her fellow domestics in
the drawing-room, preferring to spend
her time with her mistress and family
in the lower regions."
With reference to the recent inter-
national motor races, a correspondent
reminds us that little more than half a
century ago there existed people who
were accustomed to make use of the
public roads and highways for pedes-
trian purposes. Curious as it may seem,
up to 1950 it was no uncommon thing
to meet during an afternoon's motor
ramble as many as a half-dozen persons
pursuing this curious and obsolete mode
of exercise. Tramps as they flew past
on their second-hand machines would
turn round and jeer, and facetiously
offer the pedestrian " freaks " a ride to
the next town. But the walking men
were naturally impervious to criticism,
or they would never have ventured forth
without either a motor or an airship.
To-day will be celebrated throughout
the land as the anniversary of the birth
of HARMSON PEARSWORTH, the greatest
competitionist England ever produced.
Going up to college with a brilliant
reputation and a Times scholarship, he
came out senior solver in the Picture
Puzzle Tripos of 1950. On leaving
college, PEARSWORTH settled still further
down to the study of the great subject
with which his name will be for ever
associated. In 1957 he won the Bank
of England and contents in the Wit-Bits
competition for recognising, from thumb-
nail sketches, the names of all the
flying-machine stations in Wales and
the Red Sea Littoral ; while the year
following, in the Portraits of Eminent
Gaol-birds Competition, he gained the
City of Ixmdon and Tooting. Before
he died, PEARSWORTH had added to his
prizes France, Shepherd's Bush, Ireland
(which he returned after a few weeks),
the White Star Line, the Hotel Cecil,
and a first edition of Temporal Power.
266
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI.
[APRIL 15, 1903.
PASHLEY'S OPINIONS.-IMO. IV.
I SHOULD like to tell the story of how I nearly got hooked
up the first time when I was quite a young chap. I wasn't
a marrying man in those days not much, and, to tell you
the truth, I wasn't much of a one for ladies' society. Of
course I used to go about a bit to dances and things of that
kind, where you have to meet girls and be polite to them
and let them chaff you, but I always felt it wasn't my game.
Of course I was dressed up all right white tie, patent
leather pumps, lavender kids with black backs, and a red
silk handkerchief tucked into the opening of my waistcoat
in top-up style, so as, to look like one of those fellows with
a decoration. It gives a tone to the whole rig-out that you
oan't get in any other way. Young ROGERSON'S handkerchief
was bright yellow, but 1 always stuck by red as being in
better taste.
But, after all, what can you do at a dance ? It 's all
so cut and dried and conventional that a fellow never
gets a chance of distinguishing himself. Everybody's
pretty much like everybody else, so far as that goes. You
go into the room and you see just the same faces as you
saw last week, sitting round the walls like so many peaches
waiting to be plucked. You can't go up to a girl as the
chaps do in the books, and say, " Maiden, thy father sits
revelling in the great hall with his boon companions and
trusty knights ; thy mother is at her orisons in an upper
chamber. The portcullis is down and the moon is hidden.
Beyond these castle walls are liberty and love. Wilt fly
with me on the steeds that champ their bits at the gate ?
Or, say, shall we first, to lull their suspicions, tread a
stately measure?" (I copied this out of The Quest of the
Morion, and it seems to be the way they used to talk a good
many years ago.)
If you said anything of that sort the girl would only
snigger and say, " Lor', Mr. PASHLEY, how you do run on ! "
and her mother would put you down as dangerous. Instead
of that, all a chap can say is, " May I have the pleasure of
the third polka with you?" and, after it's over, "May I
take you to the refreshments ? Lemonade or claret cup ? "
and then you sit by like a fool while the girl 's sipping, and
you can't think what the deuce you 're going to talk about
next, and it's ten to one, if you do try your best, you
manage to say the wrong thing. Once, I remember, I
thought I 'd been going pretty strong with a girl whose
name I hadn't caught, and I 'd just got to paying her a com-
pliment about a dimple she had in her right cheek it was
something I 'd read in a book of poetry about dimples being
Cupid's weapons. I forget how it went exactly, but I know
simple rhymed with dimple. Well, she blushed a bit and
hung her head, so I went on to ask her if I might have the
next dance too. She said, "Are you not engaged for that,
Mr. PASHLEY ? "
"Oh, yes," I said, "but I'll throw her over, of course.
It 's only an old frump, a fat old married woman, fifty, if
she 's a day, with great red mottled arms. What on earth
a woman like that wants to be dancing for I can't conceive.
Her name 's CHOLLOP " I put a lot of sarcasm into the way
I pronounced it "and she's old enough to be your
mother."
" She is my mother," said the girl, looking at me like a
tiger-cat ; and with that she got up and left me sitting with
a bit of sponge-cake in my hand. I made tracks jolly soon
afterwards. However, that was the sort of thing that was
always happening to me at dances. Just when I thought
tilings were going best, I 'd manage to get my foot in it
and have to sing small. And there was another thing.
Mother never b'ked my dancing. She said no doubt things
were different from what they were when she was young ;
but she couldn't get over her old Puritan ways, and she was
sure that dancing was one of the devil's snares. She seemed
pleased to see me dressed up smart, only she warned me
not to be led away by social successes, and never to forget
that what a man's legs did was nothing ; it was what he
did with his head that mattered. I took it joking, and said
I was sorry I couldn't dance on my head, not being a per-
forming dog ; but, as I 've said before, mother never did
see a joke.
So it came about that after a time I rather gave up
dancing, and took to going out to theatres and music-halls
with APSLEY and his lot. And that 's how I dropped in for
the business I meant to tell you about. But I shall have to
keep it for another time after all.
A WAR OFFICE ENQUIRY.
SIR, Mr. Punch, the following is true.
Peruse my story written in blank verse,
For such a tragic metre seems to me
Peculiarly adapted to the subject.
From earliest years had I been singled out
As one whose talents leaned to feats of arms,
In view of which to Sandhurst I repaired,
Whence, in the second year from my arrival,
Steeped to the eyes in military lore,
I passed with honours.
Straightway did I speed
To the War Office, all agog to learn
The date when I might look to be gazetted.
Quickly arriving, I produced my card,
And to the nearest minion thus : " Good Sir,
In me a budding KITCIIEXER you see,
Who, at your leisure, would be glad to learn
The date when he may look to be gazetted."
" They '11 tell you," quoth the knave, " at M.S. One."
To M.S. One, whatever that might mean,
I turned my steps. And, on arriving, "Sir,
To be siiccinct, I pant to ascertain
The date when I may look to be gazetted."
"Ah," said the minion blandly, "I should think
Colonel O'MAUSER is the man you want.
He '11 give you information on the topic.
Call, therefore, on this noted son of Mars
At Number Thirty-seven, Bayonet Buildings,
PaU Mall."
I thanked him kindly, and departed.
Colonel O'MADSER, I regret to say,
Was out.
His servant, having heard my errand,
Genially bade me " Ask at M.S. Two."
Bracing myself together (for by now
Faint did I feel with hunger and fatigue),
I called at M.S. Two, to be directed
With some asperity to Cox's Bank,
Where, I was told, I might expect to find
Major DE FORTOINT-SEVENINO'S address.
He, they surmised, could tell me in a trice
The date when I might look to be gazetted.
Shrewd man, the Major.
Cox's Bank was shut.
I tried to find him at the Foreign Office
Without success. And when a person there
Gave me instructions, which, I saw, would lead
Once more by devious routes to M.S. One,
I hailed a passing hansom, and returned,
Full of strange oaths, to my ancestral home
And to this day, for all I 've toiled and fretted,
I've no idea when I'm to be gazetted.
ArL 15, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
2C7
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268
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 15, 1903.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
GREVILLE'S study of King WILLIAM THE FOURTH leaves
little to be desired, whether in sparkling point or graphic
fulness. The diarist knew his sovereign intimately, and
had what Lord HALSBURY would call " a sort of " contemptuous
tolerance of him, contrasting with personal loathing of his
predecessor on the throne. In a score of apparently casual
entries GREVILLE makes our latest WILLIAM live for all time.
He burns into memory his honest bluffness, his indiffer-
ence to ceremonial, and his passion for after-dinner speaking,
in the course of which he was even more than usually
incoherent. Born to be the master of a sailing brig,
accident of parentage placed him on a throne. Undaunted
by this lion in the path, Mr. FITZGERALD MOLLOY has compiled
two volumes in memory of The Sailor King (HurcHiNSON).
As he justly observes, the reign, too remote for personal
recollection, too recent for stately history, covers a space in
national annals of which comparatively little is known. Mr.
MOLLOY bridges it with pleasant chat and extracts obtained
from all available sources. His literary style, more especially
when he lets himself go, is appalling. Here is the opening
sentence of his narrative : " Weary greyness still brooded
above the world as just before dawn on June 26, 1830,
GEORGE THE FOURTH passed into eternity." My Baronite
hastens to say that this maudlin mixture of MACADI.AY and
milk punch is the result of supreme effort. Mr. MOLLOY,
reversing the national practice of saving a trot for the avenue,
thought he would start off well. And there you are. When
he settles down to plain English he does much better. He
has an eye to the picturesque, and has not been sparing of
industry in picking out and stringing together choice bits
from private and public records. Judiciously he avoids
politics, dealing with the personal annals of courtiers, poets,
writers, players, wits and women. Of the latter he devotes
no less than three chapters to retelling the story of Mrs.
NORTON, of whom a photogravure from a drawing by HAYTER
adorns the second volume. On the other hand the Reverend
EDWARD IRVING has two chapters to himself.
A Lad of the O'Friel'a, by SEUMAS MACMANUS (!SBISTER),
affords a delightful insight into Irish peasant life, by one
who knows the Emerald Isle and her people thoroughly.
After all, civilisation is less a matter of telephones and
gramophones, motor-cars and "advanced women," than a
high sense of the difference between right and wrong,
courteous manners, and a wonderful resignation under trial.
Seen in this light, the men and women depicted by
Mr. MACMANUS are in advance, in point of true progress, of
many who figure in the great world of wealth and
fashion nearer home. What truer lady could we meet
than the pure-hearted and pious Nuala, the heroine of this
charming tale, or where could you find a young fellow
with a higher sense of chivalry than Dinny, the hero?
With many scenes of genuine pathos, A Lad of the O'Friel's
is enlivened by touches of true Irish wit and humour. In
the opinion of my Assistant Reader, therefore, this is a
charming book, and one which is sure of lasting fame and
popularity.
In Overdue (CHATTO AND WINDUS), CLARK RUSSELL gives us
another of those fascinating stories of the sea, of which in
these days he is "the onlie begettor." In a parenthetical
passage in an early chapter he hints at the fact, sadly familiar
to his personal friends, that, enchained in the grip of rheu-
matism, he has long been prisoner in his room. This, my
Baronite tells me, happens, by one of the little ironies of life,
to be situated in a town as far remote from ocean as the
limits of the island permit. This makes more marvellous his
power of picturing the sea in its many moods. As you read
you smell the brine, see the great green waves leaping round
;he ship, or watch the moon illuminating illimitable levels
of glistening water. Mr. RUSSELL'S word-pictures of the sea
convey something of the touch of TURNER'S brush, with the
advantage that whilst the painter dealt with river and
agoon, the writer deals with the mightier ocean. The
Dealman goes forth in quest of sunken treasure, but on the
ong voyage there is no monotony. Mr. RUSSELL always has
something turning up, from a belated balloon to a convict
ship. There are some stirring scenes when Staten Island is
reached. These the gentle reader is invited to study from
the book.
Mr. FERGUS HUME'S mysterious romance, The Jade Eye (JoEN
LONG), is so full of murders, burglaries, thefts, surprises, long
explanations which leave the reader more puzzled than ever,
crafty impersonations by different persons anxious for occult
reasons to conceal their individuality and to play at being
somebody else, that the Baron owns himself utterly baffled.
It begins well, but after a while the perpetual repetition, by
everyone in the story, of the words " The Jade Eye "is so
irritating, that only a skipper, and he must be a master
skipper too, can lightly o'ertop the bales of conversational
padding and alight safely on the strong points of the story.
To those who like such exercise this book is recommended
by the Baron.
Out of the Past (JOHN MURRAY), by the Right Hon. Sir MOUNT-
STUART E. GRANT DUFF, G.C.S.I., F.R.S., is the title of two
volumes of well-written recollections that date back to the
first quarter of the nineteenth century. His criticisms of
men from whom he must have differed toto eaelo seem free
from any political or sectarian bias. Altogether a most
interesting, as it is a most useful, book.
THE BARON DE B.-W.
APOLOGIA.
(To a Passing, not even Nodding, Acquaintance.)
I STARED at you. No doubt it was a wrong
Maybe, ungentlemanly thing to do,
But still I looked, and looking looked for long,
I stared at you.
Apologies, dear lady. If you knew
You must admit my case was pretty strong.
If not to look at, why have eyes so blue,
Set in a face as sweet as sweetest song ?
Had you been plain it never had been true
To say that, stopping still amid the throng,
I stared at you.
THE PARTING GUEST. It was the humorous fancy of a
New Brunswick housebreaker to relieve the monotony of
prison life by escaping, putting in a brisk spell of burgling
at various houses in the neighbourhood, and returning,
weighed down with plunder, to his cell once more, where
he would hide the night's earnings under the floor.
Eventually, however, he foolishly requested the warder one
evening not to sit up for him, as he might be late, and this,
arousing the official's suspicions, led to his detection. When
it was pointed out to him by the Governor that he was giving
the prison a bad name, and that, loth as he was to interfere
with the pleasure of a guest, this could not go on, he agreed
to forego his rambles. The Governor, charmed by his ready
acquiescence, courteously offered to provide him with a latch-
key, and the episode terminated.
FELICITOUS TITLE FOR A NEW FIRE-PROOF MATERIAL. Uralite.'
Aritn, 15, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
269
TIIK SIMI'LF.R LIFE.
A. YEAR or two ago, when I was still
a bachelor, I seemed to lie constantly
meeting people who wanted to convert
me to Tlic Simpler Life. They sent me
pamphlets on the subject, and directed
my attention to articles upon it in the
more expensive magazines.
The si -eel fell on good ground, and 1
brciimi 1 a i vert. Many bachelors do.
Indeed, (lie advantages of so doing are
obvious. The Simpler Life relieves you
from the necessity of wearing a frock-
coat, or paying afternoon calls, or leaving
cards after a dinner party. It is in fact
quite an old theory of social behaviour
which used to bear a less high-sound-
ing name. It aims at abolishing snob-
bery and ostentation. Thus, liveried
menials are prohibited by it. These I
was easily induced to forego. It dis-
countenances formality of all kinds.
Hence the disappearance of calls and
card-leaving and similar nuisances. In
fact, there are quite, a number of ordi-
nary social customs and duties on
which The Simpler Life looks with dis-
favour. All these 1 steadfastly abjured.
Indeed, had I remained a bachelor, I
am inclined to think I might have
achieved a certain pre-eminence as a
Simpler Liver.
Instead of this I married.
Now the Simpler Life inevitably
tends to make more converts among
bachelors than among married men.
There is something in the institution
of matrimony which is essentially
hostile to it. Yet when I married
EVKI.YN it was with the fullest intention
of carrying out the precepts of The
Simpler Life with conscientious fidelity.
EVELYN herself seemed quite ready to
be converted.
" It is beautiful, JOHN, quite bsauti-
ful," she would say when I expounded
its tenets. "That part about not
having servants in livery now. I
think that is so right! Because you
THE RULE OF THE ROAD :
BlIT IT WAS ESTIHELT TOOR OWN FAULT.
see, dear, we couldn't possibly afford to
have them anyway, could we? So it
would be much more comfortable if no one else had them
either."
So we were married. The wedding was not quite as
simple as I wished there were twelve bridesmaids and
three hundred presents, mostly duplicates but EVELYN said
it would please, her mother, so of course I had to give way.
And her going-away dress looked beautifully simple. After
the wedding we went to Eastbourne for a week, before
starting for Italy.
There is an obvious compatibility between Eastbourne
and The Simpler Life. And yet it was at Eastbourne that
the problem arose which ultimately led to my abandoning
its precepts for ever. I remember how a vague feeling that all
was not right seized upon me even at Victoria Station, when a
young woman of pleasing appearance, carrying a hand-bag,
met us upon the platform and buzzed round my wife
officiously. But I said nothing. When, however, we
alighted at Eastbourne, and the same officious female took
"I HOPE TOD ABE KOT HUBT.
DRIVE ON TOUR RlOHT SlDE ? "
" WllY, THAT '8 JCST WHERE I WAS A-DRIVINQ !
MISTER HIQSORASCE ! "
AN EASTER MONDAY EXAMPLE.
WHT DIDN'T TOC
D'YER THINK I DON'T KNOW RIGHT FROM LEFT,
possession of my wife's wraps and began to look after the
luggage, my suspicion became a certainty. My wife had
brought a maid !
Now The Simpler Life distinctly lays it down that the
multiplication of servants is a useless and harmful luxury.
Under that heading lady's maids would unquestionably be
included. I pointed this out to EVELYN as gently aa I could.
She did not appear to be impressed.
" But that 's absurd, dear," she replied calmly. " PARKINS
isn't useless at all. On the contrary, PARKINS is invaluable.
I simply don't know what I should do without PARKINS.
Who would look after my frocks; who would pack and
unpack, if I hadn't PARKINS?"
" The Simpler Life says we should do these things for
ourselves," I observed gravely.
" But I couldn't possibly d'o that, dearest," she answered.
" I shouldn't know
" But you might try," I urged. " Do, EVELYN. Let this
270
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 15, 1903.
be a turning point in your
life. Begin to be Simpler,
dearest, from to-day."
"Not to-day, JOHN," she
answered firmly. "You
mustn't ask me, dear. These
things ought never to be
done in a hurry. You are
always such an impetuous
darling. Do let us wait and
think it over."
No man can be called " an
impetuous darling" by the
lady he has just married and
remain unmoved. For the
moment I was silenced. But
I determined to return to the
subject.
I did return to it more
than once. EVELYN was very
sweet about it. She is won-
derfully reasonable when you
put things to her sensibly.
But she advanced a great
many arguments which I had
to meet before I could make
any impression.
" I 'm sure you could pack
as well as PARKINS if you _
were willing to try," I said
confidently. " You are so clever about everything."
" I could of course, dearest," she agreed. " But supposing
I had one of my headaches just as we were starting for
somewhere ? You wouldn't like me to have to pack then !
And I have such dreadful headaches sometimes."
"If you had a headache I would pack for you," I
answered bravely. "You shall teach me."
EVELYN laughed gaily.
" Why, you poor darling," she said, "you don't know how
difficult it is. All the skirts have to be folded BO that they
won't crease, and you have to put tissue paper in all the
sleeves to prevent them from being crushed. You 'd never
manage it."
" Try me ! " I answered. " Give PARKINS notice, and when
you have a headache or feel tired I '11 be your maid."
So we came to an agreement. PARKINS was not to be sent
away altogether. EVELYN said that woidd be hasty. But
she was to be given a holiday, and while we were in Italy
we would take no maid with us.
I am forced to admit that this arrangement somewhat
interfered with my enjoyment of Italy. We moved about
a great deal : Milan, Verona, Venice, Ravenna, Florence,
Perugia, Assisi, various parts of the Italian lakes were
visited in turn. EVELYN seemed anxious that we should sec
as many different places as possible during the six weeks
we were away. And at each of these a vast amount of
packing and unpacking had to be done. Moreover, dear
EVELYN'S luggage did not seem to have been very well
designed for The Simpler Life. She Lad sixteen dresses, as
far as I could make out, besides innumerable odds and ends
in the way of shoes and stockings and petticoats and
blouses and mysterious undergarments. And every one of
these had to be unpacked and packed again at every place
at which we halted.
"I can't bear living in my boxes," she declared plain-
tively. "I like everything arranged tidily in drawers.
PARKINS always did it.''
But that is, I understand, the feminine conception of
travel. A man throws a few things into a bag, and when
he reaches a halting-place only takes out what lie wants for
SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR SPRING MILLINERY.
1. The Motor Hat (very smart). 2. The Basket (very useful). 3. The
Frying Pan. 4. The Golf Hat. 5. The Gramophone. 6. The
Tambourine.
the night. A woman at once
proceeds to empty every trunk
she possesses.
Another thing which tended
to mar my complete happi-
ness during our tour was the
state of EVELYN'S health. She
appeared to have a quite
unfair number of headaches.
On arriving at an hotel for
the n.ght she seemed perfectly
well, and would unpack her
five large boxes with enthu-
siasm. But when, two days
later, it was necessary to
re-pack them, her health
became unaccountably worse,
and she would spend the
morning with half -closed eyes
on the sofa while I performed
this task. And though her
eyes were half closed they
never seemed to close entirely,
for she would exclaim at
intervals reproachfullv, "Do
be careful, dear, "iou are
crumpling that skirt dread-
fully."
While we were in Italy we
stayed at ten different hotels,
and during all that time EVELYN only packed once. The
result was that the greater part of my days was consumed
in folding skirts and putting tissue paper into sleeves.
Once I suggested that it might be possible to leave some
of her trunks behind, or at least not to disturb their contents
at every halting-place, but on this point she was firm.
"I couldn't do that, dear," she said in a shocked tone;
" I should never be able to get the creases out of my things
if I left them in my trunks. Besides, it would be slovenly."
Whatever sins may be upon my conscience I can safely
assert that on my wedding tour I was not slovenly. But I
was acting in defence of a principle, and later on EVELYN'S
health would improve, and she would pack and unpack for
herself.
At last the honeymoon came to an end. I packed EVELYN'S
five trunks for the last time, and we turned our faces
homewards. I was worn out with the fatigues of this kind
of travel, but I felt that I had gained a moral victory, and
when we sat down to dinner on the first evening after our
return I ventured to point out this fact to my wife.
" Now, dear, confess," I said, " you really did do quite as
well without a maid, didn't you ? "
"Well, JOHN," she replied, "it was certainly better than
I expected. . . . But it was very expensive ! " she added
thoughtfully.
" Expensive, my own ?" I inquired. "No. No. It was
PARKINS who would have been expensive."
"I. think not, darling," she answered gently. " It was
sweet of you to help me with my packing sometimes " that
was how she put it ! " but I never could get you to fold
things properly. I have just been looking through my
frocks, and they 're all utterly ruined. I shall have to go
to Madame BLANO for an entire outfit to-morrow."
PARKINS has returned, and EVELYN and I have given up
our aspirations after The Simpler Life. Indeed, so rooted is
now my distaste for packing that when I next go abroad
I shall take a valet.
ST. J. H.
COMMON EPIDEMIC ABOUT SPRINGTIME. Angelina Pectoris.
Apnn. 22, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
271
Proud Father (to Son, who is showing a decided leaning to the artistic). " Now, WILLIE, itr EOT, I WAST TO SEE IF TOD cox DRAW HE,
Jl'ST AS I STAUD."
Willie. " OH, DADDY ! I I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH ! "
ULTIMATE AMBITIONS.
[" A tt'lep-ain from Springfield states that,
among influential Republicans there, it is said
that IVsiilmt, HIIIIMKVF.I.T'S ambition is to
succeed Dr. ELIOT as President of Harvard in
1900." Central
IT is bruited in Imperialist drawing-
rooms that when Mr. CHAMBERLAIN has
retired from the Premiership hia para-
mount desire is to keep coal for Aston
Villa.
It is commonly asserted in the Salons
of Simla that when Lord CCRZON resigns
the reins of Viceregal office he hopes
to be asked to succeed Prince RANJIT-
SINJHI as Captain of the Sussex County
Cricket Club.
It is generally understood among
Liberal I^eaguers that on laying down
his present onerous duties as detached
leader of the Liberal Party Lord
ROSEBERY'S dearest wish is to win the
Derby for the third time, "owner up."
It is beginning to be whispered in
motoring coteries that when he has
plumbed the sensational experiences of
automobilism to their uttermost depths
Mr. ALFRED HARMSWOUTH will apply for
the post of engine-driver on the South
Eastern Railway.
A strange rumour is current in fourth-
floor flat-land that when, if ever, he
ceases to control our phantom army
Mr. BRODRICK'S pet desire is to succeed
General BOOTH as the head of the
Salvation Army.
Advices from Malwood state that
when his present occupation of cultiva-
ting hn own fireside has lost its charm
Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT proposes to
become Liberal Prime Minister.
In an interview with a representative
of the Muxical Times, Mr. ROBERT
THOMS, who might be called the SANTLEY
of umpires, inadvertently betrayed the
secret that Mr. W. G. GRACE'S darling
project, on finally abandoning the
willow, is to take up the baton of Mr.
AUGUST MANNS as chief musical director
of the Crystal Palace.
In the best cocoa cliques rumour is
rife that Dr. BIBBLES is not with-
out hopes, in consideration of his
superb testimonials, of being asked to
become Vi-editor of the leading daily
journal.
It is credibly alleged behind the
scenes of the Gaiety that Mr. EDMUSD
PAYNE, on the expiry of his present
engagement, expects to be invited to
understudy Sir HENRY IRVING in the
part of Dante.
A profound sensation has been created
on the Stock Exchange by the announce-
ment that Herr JULIUS SEETH lias decided
to transfer his leonine responsibilities
at the Hippodrome on the 1st of May to
Mr. DANIEL LESO, who, unsuspected by
a frivolous world, has long cherished
the desire to achieve the exploits of his
namesake.
VOl. CXiJV.
272
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 22, 1903.
OUR PUBLIC ANALYSTS.
[The St. James's Gazette, commenting on Sir EDGAR VINCENT'S letter
to the Times on the subject of the depression in Consols, says : " What
he decided to urge was the expediency of adopting a policy which
would restore the country, at as early a date as possible, to the financial
level from which it had fallen. Sir EDGAR, however, makes no
definite suggestions."]
WHEN Consols from their giddy height
Fall to the present parlous level,
Financiers point at England's plight,
And say it is the very devil ;
That things are looking black, or blue,
Admits of hardly any question,
But as to what we ought to do
We get no definite suggestion.
" Retrench ! or you will shortly burst,
Who once enjoyed the noblest credit ! "
So cry our seers, in wisdom versed,
And even common men have said it :
We all confess the fatal rot
That mortifies our constitution,
But how to touch the damned spot
Apparently defies solution.
yes, the chartered leech's eye
Is excellent at diagnosis ;
" Your pulse," he says, " is fever-high,
You need a course of cooling doses;"
But when we ask to be supplied
With stuff to stem the inflammation,
He lightly puts the case aside!
As one for future consultation.
In the late war much wit was spent
In marking here and there a blunder ;
Men's prescience (after each event)
Was noised about in notes of thunder ;
But while " Had we been called in aid,
This mess," they urged, " had long been ended ! "
Yet somehow everyone mislaid
His scheme for getting matters mended.
" Never," the Liberals all agree,
" Never, in any moulting season,
Can one recall a Ministry
So blind to facts, so deaf to reason ! "
Yet when we say, " Produce your plan
To cure the country's low condition,"
They cry aloud, " Of course we can,"
But make no sort of proposition.
Best leave to Nature, if she woiild,
To work the poison out at leisure,
Not' trust to men that never could
Compose a plain remedial measure ;
Or, might we 'scape, with parting breath,
The ills that Tory flesh is heir to,
There 's many an easy form of death
We 'd gladly lay our bodies bare to.
Like Hamlet (who declined to die)
We 'd let the enemy unseat us
If we were sure we could rely
Upon a permanent quietus ;
We 'd face the bodkin or the knife,
Or even swift electrocution,
Were we convinced the ills of life
Could just be solved by Dissolution.
\
ALAS, POOR SHAKSPEARE!
THOSE persons who have a proper appreciation of uncon-
scious humour should secure without delay a copy of the
;ircular which is now being distributed by the London
Shakspeare League.
The aim of the League is to promote the observance of
April 23 St. George's Day as an annual SHAKSPEARE
festival, first in London and ultimately throughout the
Empire. The programme of the forthcoming festival is
full of merry items.
To-day, being the vigil or eve of the festival itself, the
Folk-lore Society will hold a public meeting at Burlington
House "under the auspices of" the League, and Mr. ISRAEL
GOLLANCZ will deliver an address. What the League's
auspices " amount 4o is not very clear, but presumably the
Secretary, before the lecture begins, will ascend to the roof
of Burlington House and draw conclusions from the behaviour
of the London sparrows. At least that seems the nearest
approach to the ancient custom of taking the auspices that
is possible in the metropolis.
On St. George's Day itself, after a performance of Twelfth
Night by the Elizabethan Stage Society, with Elizabethan
music by Mr. ARNOLD DOLMETSCH, there will be a public
dinner at a weU-known restaurant to commemorate the bard.
Particulars will be furnished by Mrs. GOMME. And yet
SHAKSPEARE said " What 's in a name ! " After the dinner a
selection of SHAKSPEARE'S songs will be sung, when Mr.
DOLMETSOH and Mr. GOLLANCZ will sing
" Gornine undo dese yellow zands "
with electrifying effect. St. George for Merrie England !
On the 24th there will be a public meeting of the London
Topographical Society, again " under the auspices of " the
League. This time Mr. T. FAIRMAN ORDISH will ascend the roof.
At least he will deliver the lecture. And as his style and
title is " Director of the Commemoration," the sparrows also
will probably fall to his share. Mr. B. GOMME (not, of
course, the Begum of Bhopal) will send invitations, and
Mr. T. FAIRMAN ORDISH will lecture on "SHAKSPEARE and
London." What 's in a name, quotha !
But this is only the beginning of the League's activities.
For a naive paragraph remarks :
" An even more effective celebration will, it is hoped,
result if the Managers of the London Theatres, and
ultimately Theatrical Managers throughout the Empire, may
be prevailed upon to regard as their duty the performance
of Shakspearian plays on or about the first no, no, the
twenty-third of April."
" Even more effective ! " Fancy that now ! as Drr IBSEN
so often remarks in Mr. ARCHER'S translations. But the
expression strikes Mr. Punch as altogether too mild for the
occasion. The stupefaction with which London would see
the run of, say, The Toreador temporarily interrupted while
Mr. FRED WRIGHT, Jun., stalked the boards of the Gaiety as
the Prince of Denmark requires a more full-blooded
epithet.
Lastly, it is suggested that April 23 should be made a
holiday for all schools throughout the Empire, it having
escaped the League's notice, apparently, that in English
schools at least, April 23 falls in the holidays already.
But we have no further space to devote to the League's
exhilarating proposals. One omission only strikes us as we
look through the programme. Nowhere do we see the name
of Mrs. GALLUP. And yet how well that name would fit in
with all the others ! If it were only announced that that
lady would ride her hobby round the theatre of Burlington
House before Mr. GOLLANCZ began his lecture, the success
of to-morrow's commemoration would be assured.
1TXCH, OR THK LONDoX ClIAinVAlU. APRIL 22, 1903.
..
THEY ORDER THESE THINGS BETTER IN FRANCE."
FRENCH TOURIST (to FATTIER THAMES). " D1S, DONC, MON VIEUX, WHEN DOES THE NEXT BOAT
START ON YOUR BEAUTIFUL RIVER?"
FATHER THAMES. " FT DOESN'T START. I AIN'T ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY BOATS."
APRIL 22, 1903.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON
A POPULAR FALLACY.
[The late Miss PACE, who was Mr. CHAMBER-
LAIN'S schoolmistress at Camberwell, "recalled
JOSEPH as a shy and reserved child." British
Weekly.]
SOME people think success is due
To vulgar shove and push,
But let_me, please, impress on you
That good wine needs no bush.-
The common creed I quite deny : J '
JOE CHAMBERLAIN was ever shy.
You wonder how I did the trick
And managed to become, *
Like Drury Lane's immortal Dick,
' Thrice Mayor of mighty Brum ?
Some murmur, " Push ! " but I reply,
From boyhood I was ever shy. __ ^
You ask how I became M.P.,
And how contrived to get
The place of pride from which, you see,
I boss the Cabinet ?
Again some whisper, " Push ! " but I
Repeat that I was ever shy.
You ask why my ambitious soul
Desires to take in charge
The British Empire, as a whole,
And rule the world at large ?
Absurd to talk of push ! Pray, try
To realise that I am shy.
MORE INTELLIGENT ANTICIPATION.
[According to the Academy, a Scotch news-
paper contains the following : " One is in-
clined to think that the Persian astronomer-
poet OMAR KHAYYAM has been a diligent student
of SHAKSPEARE and BUHNS ; if not, then the
literary coincidences are somewhat remarkable."
The writer goes on to observe that OUAR should
be styled the " Persian BURNS."]
THIS fresh field in the domain of the
Newer Criticism, from which we here
gather a sample, clearly promises a rich
harvest. Thus :
There can be little doubt that MILTON
was a keen student of MARIE CORELLI.
His picture of Satan the Hero is only
too obviously a feeble imitation of the
greater writer's chief character in her
novel The Sorrows of Satan. SHAKSPEARE,
too, in Portia's speech refers to the
" Force of Temporal Power." It is not
difficult to guess what suggested the
phrase.
Did HOMER read PHILLIPS? This
question has been agitating the literary
public for some time, and interest in
the subject has been revived lately by
an article in ono of the Reviews, in
which the writer discovers many points
of resemblance between the story of
PHILLIPS' Ulysses and that of HOMER'S
less memorable hero. And yet the
Greek made no acknowledgment what-
ever of his indebtedness !
SCOTT owed much to CROCKETT. A
great part of Rob Roy, Old Mortality,
and other novels is strangely remi-
niscent of the master's work, and some
lie. " No ; ALL MY PICTURES ABE BEJECTEIi."
Site. "WHAT HARD LINES! ALL OF THEM?
HCBBISH ! "
I AU SURPRISED ! A.SD THEY HANQ SO MUCH
passages seem to have been "lifted"
almost entire from the pages of the
Wizard of Penicuik.
One of BURNS' chief claims to fame is
that he wrote Auld Lang Syne, and yet
it seems never to have been pointed out
that the refrain of the poem " The
days of Auld Lang Syne " is not really
his but the glorious IAN MACLAREN'S.
Honour to whom honour is due !
It would be impossible to mention
every writer who owes something to
CAINE. Signs of indebtedness are every-
where. Joi.ics CESAR surely knew
Rome through GAME'S graphic descrip-
tion, and how often has the mighty
Manxman's fine phrase " The Eternal
City " been purloined by petty literary
thieves ! WOLFE too, who wrote The
Burial of Sir John Moore, has a line
" We left him alone with his glory."
Where could he have derived this idea
but from the great scenes in which
Storm is left in exactly the same way,
" alone with his Olory?" But why go
on ? Instances of plagiarism such as
these could be multiplied indefinitely.
The next best thing to Godliness.
WANTED, by the School Board of Daviot
and Dunlichity, Certificated Male Teacher
for Brin Public School ; salary 95 per annum
with ... an allowance of ... 3 for clean-
ing. Glasgow Herald.
276
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON. CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 22, 1903.
PASHLEY'S OPINIONS.
No. V.
I MET her, that 's to say I saw her, for the first time at
the Union Music Hall, where she was doing turn No. 8 on
the bills " Saucy Spanish Song and Dance by INEZ
SANOAZUR, from the Alcazar of Seville," that was how it
figured out. I had gone there with APSLEY, who, as I
said, knew his way about, and was friends with all the
music-hall lot. We hadn't enjoyed ourselves much with
the first seven turns performing dogs, acrobats, a man
who whistled sentimental songs on his fingers, the
Sisters SUZETTI in their refined drawing-room entertainment,
and three others that I 've forgotten. We were wait
