Full text of "Punch"
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JAMCS NICHOLSON
TORONTO CANADA
Presented to the
LIBRARY of the
UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO
THE ESTATE OF THE LATE
JAMES NICHOLSON
PUNCH
Vol. CXXVI.
JANUARY— JUNE, 1904.
LONDON:
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 10, BOUVERIE STREET,
AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.
1904.
;.....- Ci.-
101
JAXI \I:Y C,, 100J.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
- NEW YKAH SITKUSTITIONS.
IN some p:irts of Lincolnshire it is
'•o.i idered most unlucky to be murdered
by a dark man on Xexv Year's Eve.
In Lancashire, if an unmarried woman
loses either leg in a railway accident on
New Year's Kve.it is regarded as an) A native of the Outer Hebrides would
evil omen, and a sign that she will not I be greatly upset if he were to drop a
meet her future husband during the I five pound note into the fire on New
ensuing twelve months. Year's Eve.
Dorsetshire folk firmly believe that if
they meet a mad bull on New Year's
morning it is an almost certain sign
that they will shortly go on a journey. criminal lunatic.
In many homes of the North misfor-
tune is looked for whenever the first
New Year visitor happens to be a
VOL. CXXVI.
nil THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JASCABY 6, 1904.
THE DARLING OF MOST OF THE GODS.
War* an audience for half ilu- ni«hi I«M «J«iihr..i:.
rslisnunlt " -1"1- '•— ' triumph .-( Mr. 1 ux .- . •». -hunt-
S.?fctS.kUsnand.-. •»?••«•
; . .. ....;.:.•:• •::.:• J M I f Utt
,v wWh happen* U> have been going on in the foreground.
m delight and rd.u-at,-
tha •**. and not to be made to think. Anil m any case the
iMifl-r M one at artistic balance and proportion. In a
nbrof human character coo doss not want to bs overmuch
.1 bv the scenic background; and in a play whose
chirf motive is spectacular tbr human intercut •BOUd not
make too importunate an appml It suffices if ihi* i-
serves to engage. without absorbing. the mental syrapithi- -s.
leaving the tarn* ine to play at krgv IWi.-n. there are
•• receptive rapacitiej of even a Britinh audience.
. . • .;:•.....:: Mr-. :: . '. -:r.,i,..,. « :.. M
..••..;.,. M •MHri n oontribvti »
to the met -iy. a* one critic has said, that it would
haw 4uW if it had 'been played in modern European cos-
tume. M to compliment rather than disparage its qn
Whether from* accident or design, the value of its moving
figures was justifiably plasti- ;mn dramatic. .The
stately umirw of M '"!•'* attitudes as Kara of thr
Samurai wist notably illustrated this characteristic. Only
rarelr did the drama dominate its outward adorning, as in
the scene outside the Shoji of Fosan— by far the best scene
in the play, and recalling, by the vivid directness of its action,
that curiously Hellenic tragedy, The Cat and the Cherub;
or M in the episodes of the Carp-fisher (Mr. HATILAND) and
of the outcast Geisha, whose impersonation by Miss MACD
HILDTABD had in it just a touch of SAM YAKKO'H art. But
these were minor characters. The protagonists played
throughout with quiet restraint and a fine disregard of their
own personal identities, like priests in a temple, properly
awed and overshadowed by their environment.
I have seen it written that the play suffered from the
failure of the spectator to recognise nis favourite* from the
start ; that " he had not. as it were, the Miss LENA ABB-
WILL that be knew to help him to get on to the track of
the story." Yet sure! v that was one of the most engaging
features of the play. It so chances that there is no one who
has recently been more embarrassed in her playing by what
was expected of her as a matter of almost religious tradition
than this same charming actress. I ventured to hint as
much in reviewing Mr. Join's Monte Carlo play. Ami h.-r.-
she was, fresh from a convent school, delightfully innocent
and Japanese, and for the first time for many years absolutely
wicfcotU • post It is true that, before the drama proper was
over, by steady attention to her business she had acquired
one,— a sort of multnpodfuturum past, covering a mat IT of
some thousand years in "the hells" (the longest stage-
interval at which I remember to have ever assisted) — but by
how unfamiliar a process! Not by the usual breach of
female virtue, but by a really quite excusable flaw in that
•SUM of honour which is popularly regarded as the exclusive
birthright »f the ruder sex. Alreadr, in an earlier scene*,
she had trembled on the brink of a blasphemous falsehood,
and bad only saved herself by recourse to casuistry ; and.
even so. had betrayed her womanly contempt for the minor
moralities by the ingenuous admission that " it is better to
lie a little than to be unhappy much."
As to her punishment, I never came upon a worse case of
the miscarriage of poetic justice. Her lover, who owed the
temporary preservation of his bead to her betrayal (in
exchange for his release) of the hiding-place of his comrades,
•••tens her with the sentence of death whir':
for her intervention. be would not have been in a posi
deliver at all How different from the ideal conditions in
Mr. (lii-nKKT's MUtatla, where, the punishment was arranged
to tit tin- crime.
I iiniM hope that Occidental influences have .since 1877
itial!'1-! tin- disabilities ,.f women in the neighbourhood of
1 DBBl
For these to-nett of "Old .Japan," in which a little red
book about love (produced in Ixmdov is tin- only hint of
th« OOniBg of European ideas, art- laid in a poricxi Bcai
full . i\,and within tho roitjn of the present
KinjKTor. I noticed an announcement of the presence, on
tin- ti ret ni^ht, of the Minister of our Allies; Imt nothing
was said alxiiit the Iviissiaii .Nfinister. If the latter has
the play l>y now, f do hopr that no misconception, arising
out of thi' Uirluric nature of tho spectacle, will encon
him to report t<«> i-ontidently to his Government on the
niediirv.disni of .lapaiu-se md ;
Humorous relief, as the phrase is. \\as pnividcil liv the
(jiiaint courtesies and Relf-<li']ire<-iation of Oriental phrase-
oluj«j- ; and the »ise of these tfiivo an easy note of irony to
terrible scene in Ziikkuri'* Sword-room : but to ha\e
kept >ip the convention al the trayie ending in the Bamboo
Forest and to have put the words ••Abjectly I a>k your
jwrdon " in the mouth of Yoean, was perhaps an error of
judLTiient.
The stage-management on the lir>t ni^ht was marvellous;
and tho swift, clean, unhesitating movements of all the
supeniui:. '..is a triumph of intellip>nt adaptability.
I am glad to think that the brilliant work of the scenic
artists will l>o publicly recognised at a dinner to be shortly
given to this branch of the profession bv their many
admirers in the world of drama, literature and* art.
I hare said nothing of the individual acting of Mr. TREE.
But then I have rarely been able to describe the appear-
ance of anybody who has not been ill -dressed either
through excess or defect. And so with Mr. TREE'S perform-
ance, which left the audience entirely satisfied without
the trouble of seeking a reason. Who the "Darling of
the Gods " was I never rightly discovered, but I am sure
that the Immortals of the Gallery, despite the noisy but
negligible dissent of a small minority, must in their hearts
have assigned to Mr. TREE that flattering title-role. 0. S.
EMOLLIENTS FOR MILLIONAIRES.
AMERICAN STYLE.
i.
THE scene is Mrs. RONALD CAY'S reception room, Fifth
Avenue, New York. It is expensively furnished, in one of
the several modes which the custom of the moment allows
to be correi t. .Mr. 1'oxms \V\rin: is sitting on an uncom-
fortable chair, his legs crossed, his bit in his hand. \ii<
; on the (-filing. He is a man of medium height, about
forty-five or fifty, rather dark, and looks a little like a Baptist
obrgvnm who is not dependent on his salary. A maid
comes in.
V.n-/. Mrs. CAY will be down directly. Sir.
Mr. \Vuii i; s sole comment IIJH.II this information is to
uncross his legs, and to recross them, as Mr. HIAKV .1
would say, "in the opposite sense." After a few minute* he
sighs deeply, and bestows with his right forearm a caress
upon his hat.
Mrs. CAT comes in. She is a flexible, gliding person, not.
yet forty, with a small head, and a business-like, decidedly
pretty face. Her manner would not be bail if its ease were
a little less determined.
.Vn.. Cay. You wished to see me, Mr. WATTI.K.
Mr. }\',,itli: Yes, Ma'am. I want to put myself in your
hand*. I believe you train millionaires, don't you?
.tfr*. ('. Kxactly. In this establishment, which is called
.
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JANUARY 0, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
the '[House of Correctness, we teach
them the art of civilised or New York
life.
.Mr. IT. That 's what I want to learn.
I'm a millionaire from Idaho, and I'd
like to settle in New York and kind of
mix up in Society. I 'ra reckoned a
good mixer.
Mrs. C. I see. But before we go any
may as well explain our
You don't mind my being
further I
methods,
frank ?
Mr. W
Guess 1 can stand it.
Mrs. C. Well, there are two things we
have to offer. You must choose. You
know how they do this in London ?
Mr. 11". No, Ma'am, can't say I do.
Mrs. C. Over there someone would
take you up just as you are, unrectified,
and put you into the best houses. In
a few months you would be going every-
where. But nobody would reallv want
you anywhere. This we call the
mechanical mixture.
Mi: W. Beg pardon, I don't seem to
follow ?
Mrs. C. It doesn't matter. The
second plan,,which we call the chemical
combination, is slower. Its object would
be to make you the kind of person who
gets invited for his own sake.
Mr. W. For my own sake ! Ain't
you forgetting I 've got money ?
Mrs. C. My dear man, do you think
me likely to forget that ? Please observe,
I said the object of the second plan was
to make your presence desired on its
own account : I didn't say that would
necessarily be its effect.
Mr. W." That's more like it.
Mrs. C. In practice we have found
that no matter which plan we adopt
the result is apt to be a compromise
between the two. Except of course in
extreme cases, when the first plan is
the only one possible.
Mi: W. How long would number two
take, in my case ?
Mrs. (J. I'm afraid I can't say, Mr.
WATTLE. So many things, chiefly un-
known quantities, have to be considered.
How much money have you ?
Mr. W. Am I obliged to answer that ?
Mrs. C. 0, no. All I mean. is, how
much can people be made to believe
you have ?
Mr. W. H'm ! . . . Between seven and
fight million. Call it seven.
Mrs. C. Nonsense. Call it ten, of
course.
Mr. W. 0, ten, of course, of course.
Mrs. C. That certainly does simplify
tilings. They are simpler than if you
had five. Not so simple as if you
had fifteen. In the next place . . .
Mrs. CAY holds her head a little on
one side, and appraises Mr. WATTLE,
who casts down his eyes with modesty.
Mrs. C. In the next place there's . . .
you, Air. WATTLE.
LAYING DOWN THE LAW.
(entertaining friend's little girl). "Do YOU TAKE SUGAR, DARLING?"
The Darling. " YES, PLEASE."
iMdy. "How MANY LUMPS?"
The Darling. "Oil, ABOUT SEVEN; AND WHEN I'M OI;T TO TEA I START WITH CAKI:."
Mr. W. Meaning, I guess, am I an
asset or a liability ?
Mrs. C. Precisely. I suppose vou
don't know if you have any social gifts ?
Mr. W. Can't say, Ma'am, at this
longitude.
Mrs. C. Ah !
She reflects a little. A pause.
Mrs. C. Which set would you prefer
to move in ?
Mr. W. Surely there 's not more than
one at the top ?
Mrs. C. My dear Sir, you have — I am
sorry to say it — much to learn. Do you
prefer intense respectability, or would
a little freedom be more in vour line ?
Mr. W. Out in Idaho freedom is
respectable.
Mrs. C. Dear, dear ! How shall I
make you understand? I fear yours is
an obstinate case, Mr. WATTLE, yet its
difficulty makes it interesting. I am
willing to try what I can do. My
associates will begin to call on you next
week, and you may come here to dine — or
better, to lunch — with me on Thursday.
Mr. W. I 'in sure I'm obliged, Ma'am.
Mrs. C. Don't say that until my bill
is presented.
Seeing Mrs. CAY smile as she says
this, Mr. WATTLE goes away reassured.
(To lie continued.)
1T.NVH.
THK I.uNUON CHAIMV.MM.
1904.
GOING ROUND THE CAVES.
^keteh from a trrll-kiiuu
The party haring ; -•• *is-
/•••i f turnstile, fin-l thrmivlm MI n
tl ettamber. mulled and fumi*hr<j uitli tlmlloic
nn>l .rplayed a
II
in and eonvsrss in unl-i
Ladies
a fetal oxide. tr/m pmu-ntly appf"
ftomary eontrmfl for »'
jintdi'jali'ij in tlir m-i" -fi
gentlemen the hauartiuent •..,« m it is
thr bnJInoni it ha* not bwn built up nothing uf the kin<
what vt»u wv 'err In-ill' 1.
ttooe by l'R> *''- ; t'"1* cam you will now kindly
foUVr me . . . the /«•<!</» the party down a long <••
rrresses ON 6afA •i</«-«. in trAiab MOtw candle-end* arr '
tug). Thin passage forma the new hentnnoe to the cares
the hideer was taken hoff of the Catacombs of Rome as you
mar heavily penceire from tin- niche* an<l pillars though i. •
of so hancient a period not 'aving been construct. -d n<> longer
than sixty-two yean. We now henter the first of tl,. -
hlv hjnteresting caves that haperture in front . f \
the hold entrance baa may heasily be seen by the steps
cut in the rock which it is supposed that they were done
by the horig'nal hoccapanta (here one of the party commit*
himfflf to a *tatemenl thnl tlir interior is " picturesque."
trhile it remind* another of the "Forty Ttiieres"). 'I'i..
Aperture was haccidently discovered h»- * years
igv by a gardener of the name of Gou«isi. while liengautil
in digging the "oil f«*H through the 'ole thereby n
ihe bexistence of th«- cave* In- thru hobtuined lea\e to make
Mxcaralioos sell the sand for his hown benefit and hcxhil.it
the cares for a term of years (A ponderous member of the
wrty ejepresset an ../.;. n'..n tlmi tin- ram mu*t be n
valuable a**rt." irliith, remembering the sixpence for admis-
sion, nobody seems prepared to dispute). Heleren years he
was in hexeculing the work dying six months haftcr • • m
•let ion so that he did not live long to henjoy the fruits of
lis hindiiHtry though hi> widow and children survn. •! i
n'erit them till quite nventl\. Xow Home of you un
Voiding the haperture may bask (here he lif.
moat vaetiom Rightaeer, vhote mouth fall* open ,r
'Why 'a\. I hent ranee at all— why not com- in
by this one?" (the V. S.. pulling himself together, i« IIIK/.T
tood to murmur something about an "emergency exit.' i
will tell you the reason for why the hownera of the
surface refused to allow hacceas borer their land thus it
consequently became necessary to construct the paaaage by
which hentraoce is now hobtamed.
[At this a satirieal Sightseer trh'upen to hit Young Lady
that the Guide *eemt " crule 'ard on pore ole letter
hfiileh" — to ichich she signifies assent by a delighted
The ooknaal statue above the harch if you will kindly
stand a little back where 1 now am is a correck representa-
tion of the Reverend Mr. Bunr Mr. Gouxv. - minister at
that period bein* cut out by his own 'amis from the solid
tone without sasisUnoe of hany kind exo>pt two day
labourers to carry away the sand which you will all agm-
with me that for a gardener Mr. Qouxxo must have been a
J dent man. (The party inspect the Rev. Mr. BUOT'H
. », vkieh are all of him that is vttibU by cn,i,U.-l,,,i
he silft* rrverenee (In.- i,, //;///, Art, before passing t.> tl,,'
nod cow.) Some will toll you that these caves they were all
done by smuggler* now that is not a very probable tin •>>• ,i
would require consid'rable time and labour to i..n.trii.t
cares of thit *!/.<• and th--> «"iil,l \i,-,^\ all th.'ir timo for
me i>iirjx»e« though h undoubtedly i s they
hal.so their liolijeft Iwin' I.' .lisp.'-.'
of th.'ir gi»d.H as ijun kly ;i* |»--il'le they would not require
wi iiiui-h n«un for Kturai.1"1 t!
• it they wriv 'In.' t . tin- lli-rlv I'liristiaii.s who tlfl
:tion himder the nancienl I>oni:ui8 and
II,. n the hii|i|>er part of tins wall you \\ill
.in rltli-rtil I'i'I'l in<i<tir>-» wii>
itiffii/il- 'In- lil;i-ii< -liii'liristi-
fnnu the faet dial it i^ n-pre-ented with In p.n. Uith
- the L."-u.-rd "]iini.in i> that il 'as n-t r, >nie down
fn.ni Mile ]HTi'«l and is certainly not lianti((ue
likely to lx- a |iortrait of one of the smuggler-
but -sensing no n-o.rds of hany
kind hall we do know i* that MIHIL.-^! n the 'al>it of
u-ing thex- i-.r. no hactual ]iroof that they
r j)n-sent KiXi; ladies and gentlemen when he vi.-ited
these caves some •> made a re mark IH-IH' I'.
«t the tiliie. '1'lu- remark he made was that the\
would make a very- good wine-cellar which I think tliev
would do so myself. Through thi^ "1,- 'ere hum li-r which
I shall presently hask you to fallow me tlie present
Kixo and QCEEN passed on the hoccasion the 'ole bein' then
of far -n,. ill. -r diinensionB than it now is their M
compelle<l to crawl thrmii:h it on all fours the widenin' of
the 'ole UMII' hintin-ly caused by friction from boots below
and clothes above you will please to lower your eds to havoid
crushing your ats. . . .
[The [xirty follow him thrawjli tin- Iml,-. iritli th<- jokes and
exeltiiiiiilinnf gfpfopnatt In tlif xitiiiitii'ii.
this wall near which 1 am now standing >ou \\ill
notice one of our most hintereMing monuments a can mv
,ng the liexact sli.ijie of a Roman hum it h.i- been
• >teil that it may lie the tomb of some llerly Christian
Inifa moment's reflection w ill convince you i/uve /;.• nijuni
fire* tlif rufiniiiH Sightseer. IC/KI luokn an fonriifi'il m jioasi-
W« on surh ffioii notice) that this hidea cannot !•<• the correct
.iud I will tell you for why honly two met hods of
sepulchre liein' practised by the Herly Christians on.'
•rematioii the hot her hum-burial now it i-~ hobvious that this
iiirn carved as it is on the surface of the solid stone cannot
MSSibly contain yiiman hashes but i> mi-rely a memorial to
oom it is not known the hinscriptions on the walls around
hey ar.- hall modern bein' done by vi>itors ....
[They entrr I he i«'st BOW.
'Kre you will hohserve faults ;tli,- /mrtii HXKHIII,- n critical
air) due to volcanic haction t lies.- caves 'aving bt-en cast up
nany thousand year- as." i from the hoce-.in b.-il in proof of
vhich I will draw your attention to the roof on which
an plainly jx-rceive ripple-marks Irexactly resembling tlio-e
eft on the sand at low tide these ripple-marks bein hupsidi-
down will give you some hidea of the violence of the herup
ion it is not my hown opinion I am now giving you but that
if leading scientists who have hexamined them. "Kindly step
•arefully into the next cave the slojie of the iloor'hein'
-miewhat habrupt. . . . The 'alf-lenuth tigure on t:
-um)o-4-il to b,- the work of the- Herly Christians from
he full gleevra U-in hevidently a bishop.
Hoji|>.T-ite is a hancieiit batii when discovered the bottom
ras coated hover with clay hapjiarently to 'ind.-r the water
run i hesi-aping it has Ix-cn sugg»!8ted that it was i
•ably hintended to contain a supply of drinknf water now
hat is not a bad suggestion thouirh 1 think I can show that
t is hincorrect for it would so..n b.i-omc stargnant and a
lamplc supply could IM- cjirriiil in in .skins and I
hen-fore it is far more likely that it wa- used aa a babtisimal
• milt by the M.-rly Chri-tians who would in.-rely 'ave to mak.-
'ole iii the clay to let the water run oil and 'be hab-orbed
JANT.MIT 0, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
by tlic sand nor would it be necessary
to iill it very full heighteen hinches
bum' sufficient for total himmersion . . .
we next IK-HUT the largest cave of hall
it is hestimated to contain has many as
fifteen thousand men standing hupnght
a pretty big haniiy you will agree though
howing to the habsence of ventilation
their hair would soon become too foul
to support life besides which the hexits
1 icing well known at present it would
In- useless as a niding place for hany
army. \\"e arc now one 'nndred and
forty-live feet below the surface not that
the'lloor has descended but because of
I lie lielevatiou of the 'ill as can be
proved by our bein' hexactly oppersite
St. Clement's Terrace hii' the most
violent thunderstorm was takin' place
over'ed you would not be aware of it
down 'ere which rendered it a safe
'iding place for the Herly Christians
who could make what noise they liked
with no fear of bein' hover'eard (the
/tiii'iii xrf >i>, to appreciate the mine, of
iliix t'lii-iKtinii jn-irilege) the honly light
is hobtained from the haperture in the
first cave therefore at sunset this place
is in total darkness to give you some
ideer what that darkness is I will now
remove the light (which he proceeds to
do). Hany one h?ft be'ind 'ere for a
night would soon go out of his mind
though no such event has 'appened
since these caves were first hopened
bein' carefully searched hevery night
the last thing this passage conducts us
back to the ballroom where we started
it is 'ighly patronised during the season
by parties who are fond of a novelty all
who care to dance bein' free to do so
which brings xis to the end of our
journey ladies and gentlemen are kindly
requested not to forget the guide we
'ave no regler salary being hintirely
dependent on such gratooities we may
receive thank you very much.
ITIif Party Itcaloii- ti/>s as they file
out, with a feeling that then
in i IK! x hare been enlaraed.
F. A.
TI1K LAMENT OF THE LADIES'
MAN.
Ix youth T never cared for sport ;
Fresh air was not a passion to me ;
Athletic feats of any sort
Sent unresponsive shudders through
me ;
I had, in fact, a sedentary mind,
And hated exercise of any kind.
And so, when others smote the sphere
With bat or mallet, boots or putter,
I charmed (with song) the female ear,
And made the female bosom flutter.
I also played the zither and recited
Poems of young loves, prematurely
blighted.
CHURCH PATRONAGE.
Knglislucoman. "HAVE Ton BEEN TO WESTMINSTER ABBEY YET?"
Fair American. "No; BUT I HEAR IT HIGHLY SPOKEX OF!"
I sang, as I have said : I had
That kind of voice that folks call
" fluty " ;
I trilled of " Memories strangely sad,"
Of "Pansies" and the "'Eyes of
Beauty."
Not more divinely does the early bird
Sing when the worm has rece.utly
occurred.
At that delightful hour of gloom,
Slightly anterior to tea-time,
1 paralysed the drawing-room
With trifles of my own in three-time,
Till all the air was heavy with Desire,
And prostrate matrons begged me to
retire.
Just then a vogue for High Romance
Prevailed, and I 'd a pent-iip yearning ;
The hollow cheek, the hungry glance,
Betrayed the Fever inly burning ;
At inconvenient times the thing would
out,
Especially when ladies were about.
Somehow the care of female hearts
At that time always fell to my lot ;
Within the maze of Cupid's arts
I was their guiding star, their pilot ;
Not to have loved me with a blinding
passion
Was, broadly speaking, to be out of
fashion.
But latterly, I don't know why,
That star has waned, until at last I 'm
Left in the lurch while maidens fly
Towards the ruder forms of pastime ;
And now their talk is all of tennis courts,
Of golf, gymkhanas and athletic sports.
I don't complain. 1 know there '11 be
One of these days a mild renaissance
In the exclusive cult of ME :
1 view the fact with some com-
plaisance ;
One day there '11 come an era of the
Brain,
And THEODORE will be himself again.
IT.NVH. ni: THK LONDON C1IAKI VAIM.
* \l:v C.. I'.KII.
J,
THE RULING PASSION.
Spani*, TnJamn (after a fall, /Ming in J.i. j»A*). " Cum ALL
ASTTWAT!
THK NKW I'ol-.TIi
•Cnned week a fi«r week br » cnUin
'hat oar MTI.-U* dnn» will" oerw be
•vrioa* MMM& antU it OOMW to concern itaelf
«ith tht rrUtioD* between men and wnmen.
Aocofdiac to him, ericWUr. lore i« • h*ck-
ion (or which lib affen no
M, pTMnnablr politic, or
of the BW
II thi« u
will b* 111*
TWAB held of yore dramatic art
Shoold raise if you ignore
•
Pity mud terror in the heart,
The
i Paled at the foul unnatural word
And shrank from that revolting
daughter.
Tl»- iimtn.ii, whiMi tin- "double blow"
Hail fill-tin-. 1 Clyln-mnentra's groaning,
Suffered her own maternal woe
Danouiing.
men
reby effecting
This scheme the Sttgint* deriaed.
i we nay Mill accept his notion*.
Allowing for our modsntised
! • '
:naid of Athens, when the heard
Eleetn urging to the slaughter,
Elizabethan WITC* tiini.-.l
T" nee the Moor with ruthless
Shw Dudemona f(.r h.-r <|nit<-
1 1 -..i.-.:. i! '. ]- .-. idjUotl
Purged by the scene upon the boa
"ver-awed by such disasters,
They gladly bore tlieir jealous lords
And mas'
To-day we see the pl.iywrij-ht* r
The changes on the old <>M n
They think that love is Mill tlio tliinp,
i problomit in their primal rl
Ami \. I \v. i;:i/i- uitli callniis r\,-
< >n drama-, that u ,-an- fur
I'lii-li. What ran !*• tin- why
And whrnl. ire V
•hat luvi- has ptistsoil away ;
Y«iur tcmlt-r si-iitiim-nt anil passion
An- n-lii-s of a by-gone dav,
Survivals .if a faded hahloo.
If you wiiul'l tiiiich a heart to-night.
• ii" more your swifts and
ham
•ir ruling passion ! Write
Of
•Is and Kaffirs, shipping rin
'1'hc la.-t (jiintatiniis frmii tin- City.
an- to-day tin- only tin-
That rouse our terror and our ]>ity.
•on tin- dramatist shall .
To ]HK-ki-t anything substantial
In- li-arns to make his i
Financial.
For \vlien we se«> the millionaire
iir<?d in mighty speculations,
Finaiu-iiu 'i-in-rs there,
Ami here toliac-co i-omliinati.
When we behold in ruin thrown
All the concerns the hero bosses,
At once we shall forget our own
Small losses.
WF.KK F.ND W1MNK!
(By the Expert.)
l.i OCUOl \M>
IT is difficult to know how much or
how little to take away for a week-end,
but it is alway> a^ well to lx> on the safe
side. Personally, for a three or four
trip I never take le» than live
pieces, three of wlii"h are lalx-lled and
two go under the seat. This is exclusive
of my gnin-a-e. camera, golf Mick
air cushion. In the van I al-o take a
• 'I, when my di-ti
nation is the Sliin-s. a couple of remounts.
Perhaps 1 had Letter -.|),vify what tin-
various pieces are and what they con-
tain. In the large hair trunk
pairs of booU. eueh carefully wrapped
up in ]>aper, a jxiir of li-t ^lipp.
in n-e. dancing pump-, p
and gums. Then i-omesa layer , ,f -lum
ber wear, lounge suits, knickers and
a.|iia>cuta. while the arched top i, filled
with llomlmrg and other hat>, a- I am
one of those who U-li.-ve in the eflieacy
of constantly changing one'- headgear.
At the bottom of my kit |I;IL' i- my
saddle, the remaining s'| tilled
with .-..liars, cuffs and "dickev-. which
are absolutely indispensable. In my
dreesing-bag I carr>- my tootli-
bnish 1 make a point of piicking this
i. and never let my man do it.
I shall m ihe djf&eulty I had
in borrowing a toothbrush from Lord
- at Molar Grange, although 1
it clear that I would return it in the
ITNCII. OK TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI, J. \xr.\m (>. I '.Hi I.
..
TEMPUS EDAX KEEUM."
THE YOUNG NEW YEAR (whose precocious tastes are already modelled on those of the Old Goimrand). " NOW,
OLD MAN, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO GIVE ME?"
JANUARY r>. L904.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
IS
morning. Should] white {shirta be re-
,|iiiivd they can always he extracted
from :i station show-case when the
ollicials are not looking, hut it is host to
remove the pink collar stud heforo use.
Ov Tin: .huiiNKV.
Never he careless ahout your get-up
or ma rs when travelling. An act of
civility to a stranger, the nil'er of a
match' or a sandwich, may lead to most
desirahle and profitable acquaintances.
To gi\o a" instance, 1 <>«'ed "iv »'rst
invitation tO Mellon Mowhray entirely
to the tact that Sir CtlMil.K.s - . who
WBS travelling in t he same compartment
with me down to Ksher, had forgotten
his cigar-case. I saw him feeling in his
pockets, guessed the cause, and offered
him a fine ISoKneo which I had bought
on the way to the station.
As regards refreshments, a flask is
indispensable. Whatever you do, avoid
carrying your liquor in a medicine-
I Kittle. When I was an undergraduate
at All Souls, Oxford, and before I knew
what was what, I missed one of the
chances of my life by making that
mistake. I was returning from the
"Long Vacuum" on the Continent,
and after a rougliisli passage got into
the train at Dover. A. stylish-looking
elderly man was the only other passenger,
and shortly after we had started he
said, " 1 wonder if you could let me
have some brandy. 1 am feeling rather
faint." As ill-luck would have it, all
the hraiidy I had got was in an old
F.lliman's Embrocation bottle, and when
I offered it to him he waved it aside,
saying. " After all, perhaps I am better
without it." Imagine my feelings when,
on arriving at Victoria, a servant
addressed him as " Your Grace." One
more point : be careful in the purchase
of newspapers. My own rule is to go
in for variety. The Athenceum, the
m/in, Science Siftings, and the
I'ilut, are a good selection.
Tire ART OF Tirrixc.
\Vp are here treading on very delicate
ground. An Englishman's house is his
castle, and he naturally does not wish
his retinue to lie corrupted by indis-
criminate largesse. Still, the labourer
is worthy of Iris hire; though, person-
ally, if I could have my way, I should
like to keel) it to bron/.o or gifts in
kind. Those latter, however, must be
bestowed with nice discrimination. 1
shall never forgot the expression of
rapt lire of a footman at Lord Wi\H'oi,i;'s
when, after a two months' stay at
Wigmorc Castle, I slipped into his
hand a pair of Argosy braces. One of
the pulleys was missing, but otherwise
it was a sound and classy article. Still
it is not in the power of every one of the
readers of Yr.iterday to fit the douceur
to the dnucec — as our lively Gallic
IXCMiTHEMUM
EXTINCT ANIMALS.
AFTER READING PROKESSOU RAT LANKESTEU'S"INTERES«ING LECTURE AT THE ROYAL INSTITUTION,
ANOTHER DISTINGUISHED PROFESSOR DECIDES TO INTBODCCE TO THE PCDLIC HIS OWN REMARKABLE
COLLECTION OF FOSSILISED REMAINS OF ANIMALS IN HIS OPINION FISCALLY EXTINCT.
neighbours say — with such perfect
success. Hence, the average man had
best pay his tips in specie.
Hardly a week passes but I receive
several letters asking me whether or
not one shoidd tip one's host. This
depends. For one thing, one does not
always know who one's host is. If his
table is liberal, his cellar above sus-
picion -and readers of Yesterday will
know what I mean — if he puts one at
one's ease by occasionally remarking
" It 's a cold day," he certainly ought to
have a trifle. But be sure you give it
in coin or postal orders (not crossed)
or even stamps, never by cheque. 1
remember when I was still a subaltern
tendering a cheque to the Earl of — — .
lie took it 1 subsequently found that
he cashed it at his butcher s the same
day — but he never asked me to
Castle again. The need of making sure
wh ich of the gentlemen is your host I can
best illustrate by another little anecdote.
1 had been staying at — - Towers for
cub shooting one July, and 011 leaving
pressed the usual honorarium into the
hand, as I thought, of my noble host.
His look of surprise caused me to make
some inquiries of the coachman who was
tooling me to the nearest junction, and 1
discovered to my intense chagrin that
he was a distant and untitled cousin. To
make the solecism all the more! glaring
he was actually in need of money.
To come now to the tipping of ser-
vants, which is of course obligatory in
the stately homes of England. Amounts
differ according to the rank and prestige
of the recipient. Butlers, like cigar-
ettes, should be tipped with gold. (If
you have no gold, then you had better
tip and run.) I get many letters on the
subject of the mminx operahdi of bestow-
ing tips. Mementos for chambermaids
should be left on the washstand, "not too
conspicuously, and yet not so clandes-
tinely as to run the risk of being swept
into the slop-pail. By the way, I recol-
lect when I was staying with the
Hon. HILDEBRAXD BROOKS, on Monkey-
Island, for the Henley week, that, owing
II
PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
Jan
linn.
po nli.irity "f in;.
[lientl\
uml.T I he door-mat
i !»• f. .lli.wiiu-
allotted tin* Mini- cubicle.
tboUgfat I WaS !•• ked I.:
the neat-handed I'liylli-. ami
I.:
- ylli.
the reason until, mi
:• (.f in- In-fore
-.••ri-l tluii tin'
A. m still under I hi- mat
|0 83' lc.l\ ing I
.,-•• t.. il.
-THF. I.oRPI.lF.sT l.IF!
l.AKTll
[The title of theee rtne* u borrowed from
uxa, who employed it when writing
in defence of compulsory military service.
A protws of Out defence it mar be noted that
Lieut. ScsBLLnro and Sergeant KKINZST, both of
the German army, hare just been sentenced to
fifteen months and five years respectively for
maltreating their men. K»ASZIT waa in the
habit of enforcing discipline with a cudgel or
riding whip. On this Kniter note* aa " inter-
esting" that Connl zc IjKmto-Smm, in a
recent debate in the Reichstag, " expressed the
view that sergeants could hardly get their men
into •haps, esptt'iall-j Socialists, without a
certain number of blow* " !]
Count Von Stir-'em-up tptakt:—
Mr countrymen, be calm, I pray.
And hear what I have got to say
About Lieutenant SCBOCKIXO'S case
And Sergeant WOPPEXHEIM'S disgrace.
_-!i well the views that I express,
And you will readily confess
That they are gallant fellows and
dit to the Fatherland.
Lieutenant SCHOCKINO, I maintain,
Mainly be tried again ;
nc.- which the Court (h •
Is far too long. It is indeed.
Shall Prussian officers be sent
To actual imprisonment
For lia\ inc kiux-ked about the head
Some private (subsequently dead ?
t.-d that then- are safer re^iom
< in w hich to whack our ( n-nnan legions
Still 't\\as but an excess of teal
Pip-i-t.-d to the common vseal,
And, far fmm In-in^' reprehemleil.
mended.
To Sergeant WOITKMIKIU 1 doubt
If justice lias been meted out.
Some sentimental people here
I'.. •.:.:•.• : •• v, • • • -. • • n
i visiting with cast igat ions
The soldier'* breach— of regulationo.
y private made a slip
He caught it with a nd
And generally caught it
my nni*w
Tis simpl suppose
A "certain quantity of blows"
la not a necessary thine
1 • •
\n.l jHiipli- who iiretend t" s.iy
Prill can IM- taught s"ine other way
t'omplelely fail I" undiT-tand
Tin- .irmy of the Fathi-rland.
S> let ' .iiMitcnaii'
\nd STtriMin \Vopre\HEinnoleas,
H:,\. n wmn^fully i
And MTV \i-n- hailly OH
. nlways iiicful in
The iiiaiiitenaiii-e nf dis<-iiiliin>
And M-rgcniit!* handy wild their '
\re inin-li the )>est with SH'iali^t- '
The Kerp-ants li-ll me lhi> i>
And Mirely -erireaiits miyht I" kno\\ ?
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
THK title of Mr. M .\\KTKX M\M;TI:N>'
illectioii i if ^lim: Mi/ Poor
the
mmaiiity wliicli shines from even.
f the book. I'have only a traveller's
cqiiaintancc. say* my Nautical Retainer,
vith life in Putch villages, but it take-,
no very fine inMinci to reci \Lrni.--e ln-re
he signs of intimate observation. Mr.
RTKXs has shown himself inde-
K-ndent of the artificial de\ices of his
•raft. He has no recourse to coinci-
dence, the shocks of chance, or " moving
accidents by flood and field." He takes
hese existences, sordid, mean, and
colourless (save for the annual K.-r
messe), and finds in their essential
[ualities all the artistic material he
needs for tragedy, comedy, or satire.
le never idealises, iii the vulgar sense;
it most over the grey landscape and
the greyer hearts of his characters he
ihrows something of the atmosphere..!
lis own buoyancy . but often, as in tin
-tory of " Tiie Banquet," so astoni-h-
uirly alive in its unfamiliar detail, he
seems to project nothing of himself inti
the crude facts of his theme. But all
the while he is covering up the tra<-<
)f his jir and if the r.'-nlt
a])|«-ars ea-y of attainment this is tin
artist's triumph. One hears rumours
that the short story has had its vogue;
luit such a collection as this of Mr
.M \Mtil\- should ^11 a lon^,' way ti
e the popularity of that most dilli
cult and exquisite form of art.
Then- is always a certain freshness
of charm aliout the work of the " Author
of Miff Moll;/," and her latest novel
The Great Recmi<-il<-r < Mi.iin I:N), KhouU
briiiK her many new friends. As fa
book-lore of my Xautical Iletaine
goes, the main schiine is original. Fr-.n
toe pasaionat.' a|i|»'.ils of her lover n
part unrequited, in part ivjirted fr..n
lai k of enterprise the lady finds shdtc
in the ]ilatonic affect i> ins of a dilettanti
admirer. This simple friendship. 01
-ide. develop* mto something
Stronp-r. bill When she treU ller f|.
it is to timl that on In- >!•• no corn
ponding development was ever i-. in
•mplateil. It comes at last, but not
11 disillusionment has finally - '
:iat chapter of her life's n nuance, and
he has learned to recognise the 1111-
.iiisfx HILT nature of a love that has in it
• ini'iit of [mission.
Ajwrt from the prinoipa] characters
liere is an admirable study of a II" r
'irl. irrecitncilable to F.uglisli ta-tes and
A -nlitary exeepiioii divides her
ivalty. and from this devotion springs
he tra^i-dy which ^ives its name to
he Ixiok. The closinv' scenes, laid in
mill Africa durinj,' the late \\"ar. are
x-rhaps duproportionstely short. Mon-
pace miuht well have been spared to
hem from thc> earlier chapters of the
>ook, which move slowly, hani|>cred by
inich dialogue that is pleasur.llily
itlOSe. The j look, indeed, lacks balance;
us! as. in detail, its diction is too
As f.,r the re<-k
- of the punctuation, ihou.trh this
leliLrhtful author may plead a soul above
uch details, neither that nor any other
•\ciiserali be accepted from the printer's
•eader. And hcretothe Harou sets hisseal.
THE
;.-\v.
.MY KI'ITAl'll.
[The Englishman need hare no I<'nr of losing
!iis reputation fur pluck and endur;uic-o, while
be continues to wear without a £num the fanry
waistcoat of startling hue knitt.il for him l>v
IUH own or other people's Bisters.]
when 1 have dejKirtetl
From this aliode of gloom.
And my remains are carlo I
Into the hollow tomb,
->hed tliou no tears for iiic\ but o'er
The sjxil where 1 am laid
Iliseribo these simple Weirds. " He we, re
Tlio waistcoat which I made. '
There where the i_Tass waves L'reeuly,
And earth is ^lad with ilov.
Live, I sliall sleep serenely
Through quiet, dreamless hoursi
The passing throng shall knownomor.'
Than this thai one i.beyed
Till death his lady's will, and w
The waistcoat which she made.
Humours of a Catalogue.
lei-i in:u\ , Ixifdl.llisl.ifeandSp, -
buckram, j.'iltYxtra, 7«. I'ul.
JANUARY G, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
15
Q
H
o
i
8.3
cq M
^ 2
u 55
o o
H fc
g ?
•:i"
1TNCH, OR TIIK l.'iMx.N rilMMVARI.
Jixt in B '
A M«'I
'Some £10 mice wo* eihibitr-J <*n<i '->
the \V»lth»ra»«o«r
"inu
Vhom the various ba -our
'o ingi
'inui-. I r. I*
V) present you with a uift
! you 11 catch my drift !
tu Ix- found propi:
Vnything not in
io 1 I* .rnal
Vith a vigilance --t.-rnal.
ind a-
On a i 1 1'rize!
lomething that will move you deeplv.
lomething purchas. cheaply .
•i't radiui by now
%oo banal.
felt 1 'm sure you '11 lind this " ripping'
I see your lively skipping),
Tis a treasure for the house—
1 send the Champion Mouse!
CHA1UYAU1A
ceeded in getting into
reach Chamber of Deputies the
•ther day. ami expressed a wish to be
Vernier. It is a sign of the change
'or the K-tter which has recently conic
I rench j>olitics. that our papers
should think this item of news worth
recording.
•••»/«« of the KAISFJI'S recent Water-
loo speech, a Ciermaii ]ia])cr -let-lares
that we know the truth to lie as -
and draws attention to the " siirnifieani
fact" that the completion of the Wei
:i Monument in St. Paul's Cathe-
is not being proceeded with.
The War Office is taking steps to
tuni its surplus cavalry men in'
• *• nothing ridiculous in
lea — as some persona profess to.
drcady have Mounted Infantry.
Now we are to have Dismounted Ca
date has yet been fixed for the
termination of the Somali W
-erv<-d to draw
u I which puzzle*
peraons, namely, that, although the
wearers of cmtly f n are com
psrati that sort of overcoat
I* tak- rfstatirants
•li.in any other
- stated t - will turn
:( not all over, then in
/, *]i<vklcd
'
•k out ' II is Coining," '* 'be
lea-lint "f -in .idverti-eiii.-nt of yet
mother wet-kly journal. Xolxnl.
•on, plain afterwards that he had n->
warni
IJcl- ..mie-1 of what
I. -ok plaee at tl.
Mateli U-tw.vn I.intiel.l ami Ci-llie. ll
will IN' rrm.-iiilx-iv<l that a liouli- thn-wn
it the Linliel.l giial-kee|ier mi—eil hi.->
.. . .
Th.'l'huiichu- ' liuria
ire. we are pleased to hear, jKiyinu 'hi-
Russians a |ir- Aliment. They
ir-- treating the Russians as well as the
MaiH-hurians a.s the inhabitants of tin-
iiiuntry. and are attacking both without
tiun. _
It is deelan-d that Uus-sia, with
i-unning, is attemptiiii: !-• force n
•n Japan before the Jajwnese
wrestlers who are now making a suc-
cessful appearance at one'of our music-
halls can return to lend their valuable
aid to their countrymen.
We F.nglish' are so often accused of
not having a keen appreciation of wit.
that we are glad to learn from the
/-.V/.r. .-« that Mr. HKIIMKUI CAMI-IIKI.!.
makes a "hit" in the Drnry Lane
]iantoinime by meeting a monster parrot
which repeat- t ir food will
with the subtle retort,
"Oh. go and claim the Ihilli/ ]\s/n;
i." Ami, at the Klephant and
Theatre, when the Cantain of tin
iiii-lini/ Rlattfi: in Itn-h Whittinglon,
ggesteil that Itllr Jurl; look---l like a
uer, and the 'W; r--mark'--l
• wait till .lot. brings in an Aliei
Bill," the perfonnance, it is n-.
lind to be stopped for some th:
great was the cheering that greeted tl
mot.
A father writes to the Press to say
that his two sons have failed to pass the
nation for t: and asks
what he ran do with them n
out that the Army
i- -till o]<-u to them.
Those A who looked II|«>1
Mr \Vniu vi .1 a jut riot hav
i II-- ha
Stated loan in' 'hat the I int.-'
M ill
great nations of Ku
A French gentli'inan has been woiindc
in a d lillv.
< '. >ni])laints continue t» be ma
i the ijiiality and - a recruits
•x-nt out to South Africa. <'n the other
and il i~ -aid that certain otVieer- there
abitually n\i-r-work the men. and the
H-icty for IYe\ention of ('in.-lt\ to
'hildi. - -I to take the
up.
i-table win- arr-'-led a man for
runkenn---- tin- other -lay -tated thai he
mild th-' [irisi r ki^.-iut,' a pilho
Ve under-taml that the ]iri-'ii.-r \\.i-
lled 111 spite of his defence that lie wa-
rather short -iL-lit-il. and his sweetheart
ad an exceptionally brilliant complex ion.
A- \\>- go U) ]•>'• -- thi-n- i~ a rumour
and we mention it under all reserve
he honour of having '_-raph
I to liim in the "I'
•liient of next month - Stnind
laqazinc.
The writer of these notes has m •-
card wishing him the complaints of
he season.
— •—
TIIK FATAL MOUSTACHK.
I.
I \M:IM: this ;it the r.-iiuest of my
Motli.-r whom. I am glad to think. I
ia\e hardly ever di.-obeyed. She hears
•id MM i >K'- Mother, are
•preading falw reports «• to the
vhy the enirageinent wa- broken oil.
the truth known for my
iamily's sake. She will then, she -ay-.
>e ijuite willing to let the World judire
-ho wa.- di-lionoiiralile the girl
tvho was fal-e to her plighted word, or
he man who was willing to live a lie
for the sake of her whom he loved. She
il--i de-iivs m that sin- never
t<>ok a fancy t" M M fi . while si,
it of wolli
M on her. She
d. -he di-i-lai i he begin-
ning, that MM in: wa- ii' • :iough
. and that M -. lur mother
''•-th after my money. Tin-
why she did not caution me was that
she saw my L- n Mvtiu:.
ami like the angel that she is — she
it wi-h to interfere with my
hap|iiiiesr.. 1 should mention that no
• . ord ha- BVI I |M--I d betw.
Mother and myself. hid I write
•• never ' ''. Perhaps I should not hav-
-aid that. ( dice, and once only, did my
Motherand i havi-a little difference,
and then it \va- over MVIIM MVIIM
had a cold, ami my Mother lorbade mi
t-p kis- her while it la-ted, in -
should catch it. Hut even then, I
remember, my Mother's loving th'
fulm--s found a way out. and alter ;
few day- we came to an arrangement 1>\
JAXUARY 6, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
17
which MAUDE was to kiss me
on the cheek, so that I ran no
risk of infection.
Now that I know how dis-
tasteful (.he, alliance would
have been to my Mother, I
consider it a great blessing
—indeed, I sometimes fancy
that I can trace in it the hand
of Providence — that matters
should have turned out as
they have.
And I think it also shows
this ; tliat, in (lit- si-lection of
a wife, one ought to consult
one's Mother. It hud always
been my habit before taking
a step of any importance —
and, indeed, in many little
things • — to take my dear
.Mother's opinion, and I can-
not imagine how I came to
1 impose to MAI-BE without
doing so. It has certainly
been a lesson which I shall
not forget throughout my life,
To think how near I came
to making an irreparable
blunder ! For I see plainly
now how unsuited we should
have been to one another.
MAUDE, for instance, was fond
of all kinds of sports, while I
hold them all to be dangerous. •
Myself, I like reading good books. MAUDE
would scarcely ever read, and then it
would only be a trashy novel. MAUDE
(as it turned out) lias a dreadful temper.
I have schooled myself to overcome all
passions. Worst of all, MAUDE was only
religious when she had a new hat.
My dear Mother has been in the room
while I have been writing these lines.
She has just laid aside the comforter
she is knitting for me, and kissed me
Good-night.
And yet, although I clearly realise
what a grave mistake the match would
have been, still, somehow, try as I may,
I cannot bring myself to dislike MAUDE
as my Mother tells me I ought, and as I
know I ought. It is curious, and I hate
myself for it. I imagine now she will
marry her cousin, the great hulking,
medical student, and I find I cannot
lislike her enough to wish this. I
hold that the correct definition of the
word "gentleman" is "a gentle man."
You might search far to find anyone
further removed from this description
than tliis cousin of MAUDE'S. I will only
say that he is as vulgar as his name,
which is Bon, and anyone less worthy to
marry MAUDE than this loutish fellow,
reeking of brute strength and filthy
.obacco — this rowdy — I was almost say-
ng this Hooligan — I cannot conceive.
The thought that this coarse fellow
should marry MAUDE makes me shudder,
md now and then I wonder whether I
THE LOST CHORD.
Mr. Simpkin. " OH, Miss MABEL, Tins SCESEHY MAKES ME THINK OF A
SHAKSPEARIAN PASSAGE." Atisa Mabel. " WHICH ? "
Mr. Simpkin. " WELL — EE — I DON'T QDITE REMEMBER ! "
could forgive her, to save her from this.
If only she had not been so rude at
the end. I should mention that she
was pretty — in a worldly sort of way.
Well, the facts will not take long to
tell.
For some little time — a chance remark
or two of MAUDE'S gave me the hint — I
had had an idea, which I was reluctant
to believe, that MAUDE was dissatisfied
with my personal appearance. One
evening I taxed her with it. At first,
she fenced the question, but I kept her
to it, and finally she said she thought I
was " All right " except for my mouth,
and she wondered I did not grow -a
moustache like BOB'S. Also, she wished
I would have my hair cut shorter, like
BOB'S. I was rather nettled at first —
although I kept control of myself. I
told her that BOB was not at all my
ideal of a man, and that, if she liked
BOB'S mouth and hair, it was a pity she
did not have the rest of BOB as well.
As for my hair, I did not intend to be
like every common fellow you saw in
the street. At this she began to shed
tears, and said it was a shame, as I had
forced her to say it ; and then, after
being stern for a little, I made it up,
declaring that anyhow she had a pretty
enough mouth for the two of us, when
she did not cry. My Mother afterwards
told me I should not have said this, as
it was liable to make her vain, and I
believe she was right. My Mother was
also most hurt at MAUDE'S re-
mark about my mouth : she
insisted that it was a fine
mouth, and that it gave me
character, and that, on no
account was I to hide it with
a moustache. I recollect I
had some difficulty in pre-
venting her from writing to
MAUDE on the subject. She
wished to say that, anyhow I
had not a, face like "a doll,
and would have gone oil to
draw attention to her (MAUDE'S)
Mother's mou th. Dear Mother
never got on well with Mrs.
SF.MKR. She also said she
would be seriou'sly displeased
if I ever had my hair touched.
Soon after this I got a nasty
cough — I am very delicate,
and have to wear woollen
things all the year round —
and, as it had not gone at the
end of a week, acting on my
mother's advice I went to the
South Coast for a month.
While there I could not help
thinking over MAUDE'S sugges-
tion about the moustache, and
finally came to the decision
that, to please her, I would
grow one. It would be as
well to let BOB see that I
do the same as he if I wanted
this I was running counter to
of my Mother, and it
could
to. In
the wishes 01 my Motner, ana it is
quite possible that what happened was
a judgment on me. I consulted a
barber, and he recommended me a
preparation which he declared would
be effective, if anything could, in a
fortnight.
However, after a fortnight's use,
nothing came but a rash, which was
very ugly, so I went to the man to
complain. While waiting in the shop,
my attention was attracted by some
sham moustaches on a card. The
fancy seized me that I would like to
see how I looked in one. So I put one
on. It completely altered me. The
effect was hideous, and worldly. I was
handing the thing back to the man—
who, though his opinion had not been
asked, had declared impertinently that
it was a distinct improvement — when
suddenly I thought, No, I would buy it.
A joke had struck me. Although
naturally of a serious disposition, I am
yet fond of an occasional innocent piece
of fun — so long as it causes no pain to
others, and so long, I would add, as it
is really funny. What I object to is
the senseless buffoonery that one sees so
much of nowadays, when any vulgarity
seems to pass for wit. The idea that had
occurred to me was this. When next I
was to see MAUDE I would wear the falso
moustache ! It would do no harm, I
ITNVH. nit THK LONDON ' 'H AIM V .\ 1:1.
.IXM \n\ C.. I'.t'll.
,f 1
'
became u Hungarian • -|»-n:
1. .irniii- h..xx i • d.mee the
.r ilano-
m|uiimirtit "II the
'c-k. Itlill-
ir.il, wlii-n
riarx\haU.
-
kr.ik
I iv a
AVln-ic sin- i : thy Chilian
i\Yli" xv.i- worth al least a null
All'l rlojieil ! ,Hll.
And I xxander, jaded, jilt'
T,ik<- a primrose lh.it ha.-, willed
( In ill'- i lill
Mr ' inveii
.•in i : I 'inland hy tin- crm-l ueglecl ol
theatrical manager-, ha- recent 1\
!i. for in-
l. the
r. imliih."
ami ' "'
ictivily on the )Kirt •
' IHIHMI or 1
xx I.nlly
cution nf the
i her fault-
net made
'.or! sli)»s, after th.
,f xxhieli I n-iiiark.il
irifte«l crit I i"-''1 I"
M leader, liuule
off ll
was i. mter-
• rtun-
:i bul-
'
• • • ' i •
Till I r-»n,
i nd i tu Inn
lien in.ul.- li-. ' ' "" !l>
of the ditliculty i if finding smtaMe Italian organ-grinders in Dublin. ;
f ,|1, . l.i- riniMiired that tin- .-liiilient i.
•K- luilili-1:1-! ilet< to wreak vengeanco on bu
innneiitors l>y taking nj) his
. in-.- in Italy.
I ittle TIM I'XM M. the '
nan ll'/i//./. r-
l;in<l. made hi> lir-t a|>|>e:ir-
i'lidax
ill the i|iiadrn; <v ot
iKiM-r. < midiii t ir. cantillu-
t. 'I' ami c.ik'- \xa'k.-r. I i:'
eert was Klii.'htly delayed in
order in allow the infantile
genius to tini^h snekitiK the
|«iiiil off a puriile monkey. ( in
n-aehiiii: the platform the dear
little fellow heon!\
thirteen inches round the
--Mined the liaton
with ]x-rfect -an^rfroid. A
hush fell on the hall as the
•v gifted (lerfonni-rs in
toned the jH-rfei-t iip'-niiiLr 1'ai-
of the tiny tot'- Synthetic
Super-Symphony in m.
of XIKI/SCIIK. The a|)]ilaii-i'
Ireniendons, r.o>eond»-
• nl to it- very chine, lint
injured to
that which yreeti-d the inli
nile-iinal • lien lie pro
in ii rich treliN-
tin- peroration of \i
Place in tin- 1 niver-e liy
I»r. A. l.'i - i i \Vxi i xi ! , with
itbbl'ujato accompanimei
him-
self from ill.
fren/.ied autograph hunter-,
tiny TIXI I'-.- lately
t"'k the tloor amid
unparalleled < fusion, and
forced his lilliiinlian limbs
volume i if poems by I^idy Fl.oitl M K into all the contortions of the mo-i alian
i-om a Tuntidi Dntli, hhnuld ilniu-d cake-xvalk. The ]>erfi'rmanee of
rfect godaen<l. '.
men of luidy KioltlAi i
L-ift xvi- (|iiote the haunting lines entitled
—
•
DON T JUDGE TOO MUCH BY APPEARANCES.
l-mir. Tnam UK'T A BCWICIOCS cBitAcn* AT lu. ; BIT TIIF. IOAIXI
IKl XIUV MfDOT, AKD lit BTtnXni.T OWDTI TO HAVISU HIS (XllXAl
It XT;in on.
. hand in hand
mi'-ntal x-.
\ .r unto tin- li.md
• tin- intln.
•isiin.n air wa- chill
And noMAti B.M
irlo.
this three year old marvel xvill lie re-
i teething |H-rmitted ne\i Tues
Alri-ady exery ax.iilahle heel in
Roaconihe and the neighbourhood i- - -
and ihoii-sindsi.l ( •nthusia-.lieama-
leurs are preparing to -leeji on or under
liilliard talili-- on the niLrhl ofthe c
— :
KlIIIVII XI. I/,'. J'lllli-ll. remelllli
that tli- in ' ili.-iiiildiiilinn.
• ' mention that the
A ' •: ..v. 9) ind J,' attrilnited in last
xvi-ek's Index to Mr II K . Mr.N/i:
the work of .Mr. <'MIII II. Bi.
JAMTAIIV 1.3, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
1!)
UNANSWERABLE.
Pompon* Magnate (making n/vfeh at puU'tc luncheon in provincial town). "SPEAKING OF TRAVEL REMINDS ME HOW OBEATLY I HAVE ADMIHED
TOE KCEXKIIY BOUND LAKE (iKNKVA, AND ALSO WHAT PLEASANT TIMES I HAVE SPENT IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD OF LAKE IiEMAN."
Ciilinn-il \i •iijliliour (in audible whisper). "PARDON ME, BUT THE TWO PLACES ARE SYNONYMOUS."
P. U. (jxitronininrjhj). "All! So YOU MAY THINK, SlR— SO TOO MAY THINK! BUT, FROM MY POINT OF VIEW, I CONSIDER LAKE GENEVA TO
BE FAR THE M"-'T "YXoxVMors OK THE TWO."
A MUFF.
T \V\N1T.I> ;l milff
' )n an up-to-date scale,
( >f some snft lluiTy stulT.
With a liead and a tail ;
So, innocent-hear! cil I started
To go to a stock-taking sale.
My muscles arc t<mgh,
I '111 not sickly or pale,
But that shop was enough
'I'c make 1 Icrcules quail.
'1 lie hnlies were gripping and ripping,
Fach using her arm like a flail.
My passage \vas rough,
And as slow as a snail.
In attempting to lulY
I was pinned to a hale,
And asked " to mind whiTj I was
pushing "
My a frowsy and frenzied female.
They ruined my ruff
And twitch"d oil' my veil ;
The shopman was bluff
When J told him my tale,
And I vowed the next time I played
football
I would wear a costume of chain
mail.
I went home in a huff,
Ixx>king feeble and frail,
Still minus a muff
With a head and a tail —
But my brother politely informed me
I was one, to go to a sale.
0. P. GOSSIP.
WE understand that Mr. TKKK has
ordered a large consignment of Mr. 11.
(!. WKM.S'S new cereal, " The Food of
the Oods."
The news that the subject of next
year's pantomime at Drury Lane is
already settled has caused an unusual
stir in theatrical circles, and several
managers hasten to state that they are
not behindhand. The only forthcoming
fairy play, however, of which we have
received definite information is Bill
I'nt/i-ltp- the Hoxton Hooligoblin, in which
AHMED MADRALI.I will play the part of
the Fah*y Queen.
We are in a position to announce
that should Mr. HKNKY AKTHTR JONES'S
new play Jim'/ili Entangled prove suc-
cessful it will be followed by I'xilfour
Bunkered and the Hyphenly Twins.
It is rumoured that Mr. J. M. BARBIE
and Captain BASIL HOOD are collaborating
in a musical play entitled Little Mary
The first half-yearly anniversary of
the publication of The Dally Mirror
will be celebrated by a performance by
the Carmelite Opera Co. of Alfred
Through the Looklng-Qlass.
Taking their Pleasure Sadly.
THE following advertisement appeared
in the Scotsman: —
CKN'KS resulting from tiie MACEDONIAN
ATROCITIES displayed l>y the Modern
Cinematograph, at 3 and 8. iS«-
Column.!
Q
.Marvel
VOL. CXXV1.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI.
M I.",. 190-J.
POPULAR FALLACIES.
habit of scarchi)
nothing
than the whohirlx
following passage from
• ait :
our weekly oool"
of U»c phnue 'bag ami bagga^''
Hulx»ri»n atroeiu'f*. 1
• • • • - < k
. •
make an lioinmr..
bag and baggage, yet with wciip awl ncrippagB. '
Mr. 1'ttnrli, ever au\i>
the Urdu. ' has
•:tii.n. which
•. the ."><» : .ver *h.ifts
1 • .1 I'ou>er,notour»elvf«,tliiit
ukable
phrase has also been attributed t. Mr
OuUBTtiSF. ill c D with the Hill
atn.-ities alxixe referred to. II.
is supposed to have ust-d il a» a jx-ri-
phrasis for Holy Russia. Actually.
however, the phrase was originally
:..r other uses, by the late
Mr MxniiEW ARNOLD.
1'. " .\<l>itililr I>r,;im,-r'. " It xvasllu-
Kime distinguished critic who fir
mi of invocation when
apostrophising the I'niversity of Oxford.
"Hie d mpuratixely re
mote origin has naturally shaken the
theory that it was • -ed in the
early' days of I'.**! by I>.rd KoSEBERV
whe'n ask.-d to confirm the rejK.rt that
he had joined a coalition under the
leadership of the l>ukc of IM \..\-inia:.
3. "Thefloieofeoul." — This luminous
expression was suppose<l to hax
.-•I«.K in a
potabilities of establish
ing communication with >l«-part« i spirits.
The. postage in which it originally ocean
has li t!i.-d. and from the
context, " -i of reason," it is
clear that the author, a Mr. I'.'I'K. cm-
ployed it with a totally different
disp^-s of the iN.pular 1-bef \V|. j, ^,1 ,!,.„
at H Iv applied to Mr. [j,.,,,^!, ,,, ,L 1M,| u.,-
-• -- r .-- .::. i : - ' - ' -•' -' •'••
Btme.
;«).-t invent, •,! tins phrase in refer-
•
that ....
v a poetic oonstabli
to the Marylob irt.
MAKUIWK and n-i Mr.
headline must be
d title of Mr
:i la Mr.
( 'ilxMI'.KHI.xiN was as folloxvs: Ti
His in
"
obvi, : repudiat
;
tnu-etl to WIU.IVM Su\K-ri:viu: l>y
:<lixruanl i)n)priotor of the Klo-
( ' ^>.
CHARIVARIA.
Imt we
trnM i .is the
fiillow I Iroin an advert.
I1-, l>elii'\-
VMIMA.
"A COUISS.VI. K % ! M-OST."
.
•.- niiii.r. Hi' KI:-.>' lutiHT.
lh. Kt:v-.-iiMiiir. IK ki S.-IIWIUT.
I Fiifl '" "/ parwrf
iml.ir di«<-usMoii in the «|.:
* bus been the lause of
another literary error, by which the
above phrase has bi-« i. attrilniiiil to an
f the corre«|ioiii|.
'feMor
UAY Ia\K»n:i.
it • • .. • .
were originally COIII|«M.-I| ii;
vT some i
itnmera before the 1>
A German Sn-ialist editor ha-
Client
Tli'tl-i*-- 'aMa .' " — Th - ' ' the
i ideiitilr. ..-rman Kxii-KK" ' daily
5 with a (-.Main iir.-ek War for appending his signature to dm-ii-
ielit of the na: -riloN, mellts. \Ve h.id li- iiolint
who tirst liseil it in a work entitled was la'
'.,I.«M. I/ml Ci t:/o\ '- expn-s
Th,- i"iit wliidi
has been made to the elTei-t that I'n.-
EaMOr I'XMOASI. of the t'niversity of
ylvania, who : . -u-tiny
UttuuHt! To 1J.
therefor,- provinl to be clearly derivative
rather than original, a- generally sup-
posed. It is to the liegius Profes-
of Creek at the I'nixersity <if Sikkim the bleaching experiments with the X
that wo are indebted for this scholarly rays, is already prepared to lit up
correction. :r> <-s \\ith permanent white collars
8 "C/, ;/,/,- //,i,-, ./,/•„ /•;/-/,•''"""/'•" -in d sliirt fronts, ,s prematnre.aii,! eal
Mr/WANKi.AS I U) ^"hl"' ad <h.sarlx,,,,t-
enjoy for very long the distinction of "
inventing this phrase to describe the ...
po«bkrprogreiofJIr.HA»U)Cai to W« are glad to hear that our old
:,-adford !«.ll. It ! shown .r,1"'"1 th('
bv a member ,!f .1, Club that Hie new Ape B rnlonued
the phraM- has nothing to do with uow contains a ( ,,1,1,,,,. an ( rang, and
political candidature, having In-en in- three line ( himpan/ees, and is dadx
. . , , . . . ftwmr/iort until OTWI 1 1 I
ranted by Lord Braov, wnoee position
preeludt.l him from taking
any share in Parliamentary elections.
croxvded with small
'.!.,/ ' il (lidll.- The
published Creevey Papen have throxvn
a flotxl of li_-!it ii]>on the origin of a
phrase which was \ ipposed to
i-mployed ;it the rniver-
! ly Victorian Period. It
apju-ars that one of lli.i'i nut's MiU.rdi-
natos, by name Wi.i.t IM.ION, hail acquired
lernal cuatitiL.' of julish from the
French, who always made- a liabit of
taking off their headpieces to the
enemy la-fore charging ;' and that, in
the Kittle . I
MII'X ivillLT
ide use of the
ase : II n/ ' •
It is n-|)..rted. by the way. that the
Ciibbon is en^ai,'ed on a history of the
establishment
"Do We ; a--ks
the placard of a penny ]ki|>er. This
suggestion tliat dd take C
our pennies conies \vith adinirable force
u-h a ijmirtcr.
Messrs. JOHN AIIXN A C... have puh-
what we tak,- to b,- .1 compendium
of the politii-.d cj.
ixvelvi- months. ll i> i-nl illed, Tin'
I , L904.
It R|<eaks volmu. - .stolid in-
diller.-nce to d:ui^,-r o!' the averaLre
andlt" •„!, mercliant that, although the
10. " Tl' :n r day an ollice !M,V attacked his
Statement, being part of an obeervat ion employer xxith an axe. only an cx-
t by a niemlM-i tri-niely small jirojxirtion of City men
of the L.G.C the rest ,,f ,i running' as are insisting on having their clerks
folloxvs: "1)111 in . i lire the\ scar,-!, • ,,ng ilmvn to work.
.id probably IM- In, lied ,p
i posed to be original: but it has mnv It is Hnid. 1 that in some
ITXCII, Oil TIIK LONDON niAlilVAIil.— JAM u;v 13, 1901.
THE CHAMBERLAIN ORCHIDSTRA.
[The first meeting of tbe new Tariff " Commission" is fixed for January 15.]
JANUARY 13, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
23
establishments there may now be seen,
hanging up, a neatly printed notice,
consisting of the following words : —
ALL HATCHETS
MUST BE LEFT IN THE OUTER OFFICE.
It has always been the Englishman's
prido that no section of the public is
denied protective legislation. APistols
Art has now been passed in the interests
of our burglars. _
Even in Servia a certain number of
persons were horrified at the recent
regicide. These are said to be now
plotting to kill the present KING.
It is rather annoying to learn from a
Russian newspaper that, even if our
expedition reaches Lhassa, the revolt of
the Lama and his followers against
British oppression will end by bringing
Thibet into the Russian sphere of influ-
ence. It would have been more friendly
of the Pcterburgskiya Vyedomosti if it
had pointed this out to us before we
had gone to considerable expense in the
matter.
Renter reports that the tents of the
British troops in Thibet are daily sur-
rounded by crowds of admiring natives,
and it is rumoured that our War Office,
which is rapidly acquiring business
habits, has telegraphed out that in
future a charge of so much a head is to
be demanded of all sightseers.
The beauties of Mid-Devon are well
known. This veritable Garden of Eden
is now represented by EVE.
" The EVE of Dissolution " is what the
Radicals are calling the new Member.
If we are to believe Pearson's Maga-
zine this is to be a leap year with a
vengeance. The current number con-
tains an announcement that all contri-
butions for a Short Stoiy Prize Compe-
tition must be sent in by February 31.
A disgraceful attempt is being made
to get Mr. ALGERNON ASHTON to start
again. The Daily Mail declares that a
Mr. HARRY HEMS, of Exeter, has written
upwards of four thousand letters to the
press since 1&68, by the side of which
Mr. ASHTON'S 500 fade into insignifi-
cance. No words of ours can express
our indignation at, a responsible news-
paper thus tempting Mr. ASHTON to
break a solemnly-made promise.
THE Rand Daily Mail of December 11,
in recording the constitution of the new
Town Council of Johannesburg, says,
NATURAL HISTORY.
Eva. "MOTHER SAYS I'M DESCENDED FROM MABY, QUEEN OF SCOTS."
Tom (her brother). " So AM I THEN."
Em. " DON'T BE SILLY, Ton. You CAN'T BE— YOU 'BE A BOY ! "
without comment or italics (the italics
being a gloss of our own) : —
"The character of the Council may be
judged from the fact that it consists of six
merchants, five directors of companies, two
managers of companies, two stockbrokers, two
solicitors, two architects, two labour represen-
tatives, two builders, one land owner, one
mine owner, one administrator of mines, one
accountant, one land surveyor, one speculator,
and one gentleman."
But what is one among so many ?
CHAT FROM CHATHWORTH.— At the ex-
cellent amateur performance got up for
the amusement of their MAJESTIES by the
Duke of DEVONSHIRE, last Thursday, it
will be noticed by many a London
professional Manager that in this dis-
tinguished, decorative and splendidly
decorated audience, hardly one among
" the house party " come in without an
order! This, indeed, was a practical
lesson in Free Trade. No question, as
in former days, of " orders not admitted
after seven." No mention of "Free
Liat suspended." It is a noble example
as set by His Grace the DUKE, but
whether it will be followed by Sir
HENRY IRVINO (on his return), and
by Messrs. BEERBOHM TREE, GEORGE
ALEXANDER, and CYRIL MAUDE, remains
to be seen.
2» PUNCH,
on
Tin-:
LONDON
CIIAIMN
AK
I.
[JAM u;v 1.".,
L904.
THE UBIOUITOUS fiORDniMS
AND
THF
iiv /.mm/,-,/
on
(i It'itdi'i'
flu Hiiht
!
iNinuirnu*; n iiRRnrKS ''"''•' '""jht '"'"'"" '''"J1'1- x ""' '" '"'
INIQUITOUS CLUBBOCKS. my lut if a cable toting that ".. m..'..
fur f'/ifi/rfrr On/- n/ f/ i-in/ in y""' *f.ir'. ,•<•/./ tin- >'./m,;/i Mitllnh, trim linn d,-.
•Ill- f.l /.-Cli
Al the same moment, in happy unconsciousness of the
nmnented indignity that was being endured byh.
and noble jiiin-nl. Major the Hon. ( il:\M>isos (ioiiU'S, Y.< .
the trackless wilds of a West African de-eft.
illant force." he said t.i one of his snball.-rns ; " but
;.tiiiL' this Mullah 'f Hi
idea appeal* to be to i -ps of ch. :!""al'' !-k'11 '" '^"'"'W pursuit are truly
- Whi,,. Knigh- !l in a mere native!
I h.-y xiv, Sir, said the sub. as he saluted respectfully,
"that the Johnny has Kur»]M-an blood in him that his
maternal grandfather, in fact, was a renegade Knirlishman.
"Indeed?" *ai.| (in\\i>i.-os, witi And
his name '.' Heard \«\i that '? "
"I was told it. Sir, but it has e-eaped me it w a-., I \-rii:
•of the Whit.'- Knights •*<"";•""":/ ah. 1 rememlH-r now J«TO CUJBBOCTC."
f the family of l,,rd Coui-.x of li,.cksi,,- QRAsnims recalled the name as that of a
ts. -lar^elv .,f the kith and kin ..f Itiuiun. 'I'"'1'; "' Nr KKB^fwho, after doing DJS utmost to wreck
re the story gets started, it will never V1",' f'"'""" 's "' ''"'• """"' "f li"1^1""''- ll-"1 »''"l "' »»••
• generations back, and w have
-• vrn Pn-limii n Announcement in
I'll,- /A,II,',/ /'ii/» •!• of t ireat Hialoi ical Serial Itoiuaiice of tin-
World s Life, w hi. h is -f the idea of the National
1. 1 fe. and clothe t! a outline of I '-led from
d.iy to day. by tel.-vrain or otherwise, in the daily pa|n-i>
with the Imni:. throbbing llesh and II|I«H| of an actual human
inter.
Central
r- ! |
)«ortraits of actual representative* of the gi. and
progressive movements of our time" .,../. . i,,
.rrfimia of tin- \Vhilf Kit'ujht in " .l/i.-. ; " IHaek
Knu If indiik
rynicism, pessimism, Jingoism," Ac. ; and "(in-y Knights,"
who an- l characters." These groups to lie
•iteil '
• -. K."
.ing will happen on the surface- of this planet
that ;, .-it-lit interest to occupy space in the ne\v-j
in which either one or other member of these ubiiin
families will not be .juite in the heart of things." The aim
Ix'ing to bring the great World-Drama home to "the
'pinan. the Artisan, and the common-place
unimaginative Middle-class."
Sounds magnificent. Unfortunately the Kditor despairs
of finding the " Journalist-Novelist or Novelist-Journalist
capable of carrying out the conception. Seems to think he
Sllllani '"'
in the thought.
('lii-i»timin diinii-r to
may have to evolve him. But t« that necessary ? May there
be some among us who already possess the necessary
qualifications? Why not try my hand at the owning
Chapter — just to start the thing? All I have to do is to
select a few items of interest from columns of daily pajn-r.
string them on to a thread of story which will thrill the
Sempstress and the Artisan— and 'the thing's done. So
here goes: —
CHAPTKB THE FIRST
" Hut surely, Sir IlinuRD," pleaded Lord Gonnnx of lio, k-
stone, his noble features flushed with generous enthusiasm
ss he addressed the head of the house of CLUBB-
make IdnuRDa Baronet— baronets always bad in Sempstresses'
fiftion). '• Surely you sympathise with such a cause as mine
_. u:-u :- .»-f i ifavf ^flails to be fii
—a cause which • to'1 t
by Mr. STEM> ; not quite surf whifh fartirttlar cause he would
Lord GORKI* /.. . /,./m/.ion).
•» mean and malignant countenance was
• ulsed by a Satanic sneer as he gave vent to sentiments
r«tp«-ting the cause in question of so appjillingly cynical.
pessimistic, and Jingoistic a character that it is impossible
them in a paper int.-nd.-d for the Home !
" I de«iro to live in charity with even the lowest of my
v erratum," said Lord GORKI.V, with great self-control,
. ompelled to remark that such utterances as
yours, Sir RICHARD, would be repudiated with horror by the
most unmitigated fiend that ever—
• «..,ild conclude the sent. Mtt>, with a
»tiflr<l iinpreration, felled him tocnrth.
.d to hit you back again." xiid the hi
>bleman, as he lay pn-- • the
down, and,
wn. I hhall IN- thinking out , |,,,| ,],,
rn!
the Jtrynote, and ,\* I/,rd
embraced the Mohammedan faith. And so the family feud
was destined to be carried on, even in tip
There was something strangely
[Ilii-i-'n a Ktrihui'i iin-'uhnt
thousand aged poor irhich ini'/lit In- lirmi-jlit .ic.]
Hut now we must transjtort the gentle reader back
vastly different scene. Never had the stately walls of the
Croydon Corn Kxchange contained a happier, brighter
assemblage than the thousand old and deserving jxior who
wen- iM-ing regaled beneath its historic roof ii]xm a sumptuous
collation. Foremost as ever in all good works, like i
female members of the great house ,.f I.'.K-kston,-. the Hon.
GHISELDA GORDOS (don't knoic vhrtlti'i- Ixird (Jom-is /> „ /
— but if not, perhaps Mr. STT.AII tcill HIT Unit .«//,- ,j,i* !„•,•
proper till,- was carrying plat, s of jibim pudding with h.-r
own fair hands to the recipients, who seemed j«.-itiv.-ly
overwhelmed by her condescension.
Noticing that tears were trickling down the furrowed
cheeks of an elderly individual who had just received a
second helping, (IitisKUiA gently inquired whether h.
-li.-d with the amount.
"It is not that," was the reply, " but 1 could not but
think of the contrast Ix-tw.-en my pr.-s.-nt jxisition and Un-
happy days, now gone for ever, when I built a church at
Upper Clapton ! "
"And to what," asked the girl, "do you attribute the
change in your forti.
\\hat?" rejH'ated the old man. as 1, lowed
with Hombre (ire, "Why, to the diabolical canning of that
doable-dyed hvpocrite and black-hearted scoundrel, I'm MI
CM HI,
Despite the warmth of the temp-rat nre in the hall, a .-old
chill struck to <;m-i:i.|.\'< very heart as t-he heard the name.
Could slit- go iioirhrrr without finding some fn-.-h instai:.
the sinister influence of these baleful ( 'l I IIIKK-K
[IF/Klt fact ahull I tula- ni-j-l .' II,-n- '* ,i ,-,/.«,• ,,r'.«//
in the Police Reports — mi'jlit \li~s SAI-I-IIIIH
-perhaps hardly of suffi<-i,-i,i 'i,it,-i;-»t./li<,,,'//i.
if I '•nn't «trs—otie ..ii tli,' " I,,,,!, /.;•;.•/• »( i
nt JahmtnMOwry," tin- <>tl,,-r ,„/ ,i " ivr/v.i/ ;„ ti
Til I III; / f,:- mi/ IIHIJ.]
Little did ( ini-r.i.in dream that, while' she \\. ,| in
ihis phihuthropio | employment, her favourite bn.lher, the
Hon. (;\i\im, (ioiii.iN, was standing in the glaring main
• of Johannesburg, rnefulK regarding his !
'ift ',,irj
'it IUM K
JAM \KY i:i, 1904.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
QUANTITY, NOT QUALITY.
i Ait'jli'r, liaviiig discovered there are two Boris af \\~hifky at the Inn (best at 6c/., second best at 3(/.), orders a glat*
each of tlie Sixpenny.
Gillie (in a whisper to this Maid as she passes). "MAKE MINE TWA <>' THE THKEEPENXY ! "
" A sovereign only lasts five minutes here ! " he meditated
sadly. " And yet I have a strange longing for a little bit of
chicken. If I could but obtain one at a reasonable figure !"
And, with 'this intention, he entered a General Store of
enticing appearance. But scarcely a minute elapsed before
he staggered <mt into the South African sunshine. " Eight-
and-sizpence for a fowl ! " he gasped, as he sat down heavily
mi a convenient stoep. "Is it possible that any man with a
human heart in his I >osoiu can be capable of such extortion ?"
And then his eye fell on the bloated letters which glittered
gaudily above the shop-front, and he ceased to marvel. For
the name they spelt was JOSHUA CLUBBOCK ! Was it mere
coincidence that had thus brought him in contact with a
member of the family to whom lie never remembered hearing
his honoured father allude but in terms of the utmost loath-
ing and abhorrence ? To distract his thoughts he drew from
his pneket. a London paper, and as he read the tidings it
contained, Ins face shone with sudden joy. It told him that
the black cloud uf depression which had so long overhung
the boot and shoe trade of his native Northampton (If Lord
GORDON'S -family-seat is NOT at Northampton, perhaps Mr. S.
mm Id nut mind making it SO ?) was lifting — lifting at last !
Ah ! the unspeakable, the overpowering relief of it ! . . .
[Haven t brought in nearly all the news yet. There are
'fini-iil facts — but perhaps safer to leave Mr. CHAMBERLAIN out of
it till I 'TO quite Mur irln'tlirr lir'n to be a GORDON or a CLUBBOCK.
Tin-it then- ',s a statement t/int " Tin- T/AR is learning the
I in a jo," a collision between two c.able-itteamers, and a bivak-
ilinni on the Dixir'u-t Ilailicay — and a GORDON and a CLUBBOCK
lum to be quite in the heart of it all! . . . Not so easy us I
thought. Cant help feeling myself that the story doesn't seem
to get on somehow — general effect a little jumpy. However, I
can't help that — I 've done my best ; not MY fault if there are
more skeleton outlines than I 've time to find throbbing flesh
and blood for. And I think Mr. STEAD will admit that I 'vc
kept strictly to the, Rules of the Game.] F. A.
PICKY BACK.
(Being the Fifth Passage from the rc-inconanation of
Picklock Holes.)
THE STORY OF Tire PRINCESS.
I OUGHT to have mentioned before that in my lodgings in
Baker Street, of which, as I said, the price is £2 a week
(lights not included), I possess a heavy accumulation of
note-books dealing with the marvellous exploits and super-
human career of the most phenomenal detective known to
this or any other age. These I propose to publish in various
forms from time to time for the benefit of the public which
has been good enough to interest itself in my beloved
but austere friend's immortal achievements. There will
be in the first place a series of ten volumes on " HOLES as
a Man." These will be followed after a short interval by
twenty of a similar size on the subject of " HOLES in Relation
to the Creation of the World," and the matter will be,
temporarily at least, concluded by the issue of twelve quarto
volumes entitled "Itadium: is it HOLES?" When I shall
have completed these I shall be able to contemplate with
satisfaction my humble share in the epoch-making events
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
• UM UiY I."..
which it is tuy duty to chronicle. I can promise the public
th.it iii .. .11 in the virile graces
nf the»« t'litrandng volumes
will fall short in any : the ln_-ii standard which,
nut rd for tin- imperishable memory i>f l!»ii-. I
•ly set for mvM-lf.
\V.- v. ,i,- in tli.
little recking of th>- prodigious ocvun
then in.: .-re h:nl I", ii .1 lull in
the criminality of the I nitcd Kingdom. In fact, tin- steadily
'!••• reasing a\ i the almost complete
• * :illil ;i:
had been ie statesmen then
at the bead of the p i.l-.
embenlemenUi ami n. U- --IK-.
had maintained themselves more or leag at the ... ,-u-!..m,..l
even in ' : 'incut, if yon applied r
volume rather than of value*, ' siispici
which could not fail to produce uneasiness in the mil,
tho»e who refused any Imiyer to )»• liiile-txmiiil by the musty
shibboleths of tin- .li~. i.-lit.-! S-oilanil Yard s.-h...l of ,
tigators. HOLD, whose coiirace even in the miilst of these
depn-ssii .stances hud never 1 moment.
and whose serenity of temper and marv.-ll , -.-fulness
had endeared him more than ever to the select cirri.- of his
intimate friends did not, of course, conceal from me th.
extreme gravity of the outlook so far as the criminal
production of i h,- country was concerned.
"Pb; used to say to me, "something will 1
be done \Ve cannot afford to rely for ever nr ]<ast
What is the use of talking aUmt CKEENACKE. l"n K Trwix,
the MAXXIXG*. PAUIKB, SWEENEY TOD and THREE-FINCERED
JACK! They're dead, friend 1'orsox. dead and gone, and
they 've left no successors. France is creeping up to us—
the decennial averages prove it — German : now
ahead of us, and America is dumping many of her best and
most highly finishe<l criminals ii]>on our markets. 1
you. are we to take it king down 'i "
To such a question, 1 admit, I had no answer ready at the
moment, nor, had I possessed one. should I have ventured to
offer it. for 1'icKUN K HOLES was a man not easily diverted
from any course on which he had set his heart, and 1 always
judg>-d it lietter not to affront him needlessly when
saw that he had made up his mind.
Well, as I say, we were sitting in niy menus in Baker
Street. Ho|» ILK! his st.-cly eyes intently fixed on .,
Main made by me on the table-cloth that morning, and from
certain curt interject ional remarks which had Uvii falling
from his thin tightly-closed lips I gathered that he was
deducing from it by his own unsurpassable met1
widely ramified and diabolical plot on the part of I;
emissaries to assassinate the Mikado of JU-AV. J{.-fore. h..w-
I h:nl time to complete the steps of his process ami to
bring the infamous crime home to the chief of the Russian
police, the door of our sitting-room was soft I : and a
young girl, tastefully dr.-ss.-d in ;l Hhort' skirt and an
ordinary shirt waist with hat to match, stepped, or. I should
rather say, sidled into the room. Casting a look full of
: •• BO -• ri !!••;> - -•.•• -•.' - lad ;;.• i . but a i nowM :
silent, while HOLES, upon whom her arrival had alr.-a.lv
made a marked impression, half rose from his
then resumed his farmer sitting posture.
"Mr. HOUB," she said at l.-mjth in a yoke of peculiar
sweetness. " do you know me? "
"You should not ask such a question, Miss," I interrupted ;
"Tush, PDTW.V red HOLD with some ieTerity.
Then, turning to oiu
i not unknown to me."
'In that case I need only t. „<» you know that
they are all d.i-ply in J"\v with me. that /«• " there I
w,.rld of meaning in her utterance of the word
iollow.il me hith.-r. and is at this moment, in Maker Sir.
said ll"i.ij-. drawini; his chair closer t.> ilia
of the girl, Who still kept her eves riveted on hl.s, '• ,.,
:id deal with tins man a.s 1 would have him dealt
with."
I obeyed, and having jxissed out throu.Lrh the fr,..
.ml a thickly-built and ill-favoured rulh'an whi.-tlni
o|M-ratic air on our door st.ep. To accost him. t" s,.,- that In
i more jmwerful man than myself, to take him to th.
nearest public house, and t<> stand him a cold whisky all
this \va, the work of a moment. When I returned t'.. th,
sitting room HOLES Beeni.-.! visibly annoyed at my entrance,
and ev.-n more so at the account I LT.IU- . .| my doiii.
""h. Limed, ••'mil you never
le.un'r I'oi^'ive me. .Miss, I mils' I. .IN,- you fora moment.
how the thing ought to Ix- done."
Then, having bowed ]«.]itely to the young lady, he took me
with him out of the n«im.
The burly ruflian was no longer on the doorMep. but a
rapid deductive calculation and a look up the street revealed
him to us alxiut a hundred yards away. J|on.-v.,is after
him in a moment. In the brisk tiuhl that ensued the
jiersecntor was severelv mauled, while the only damage
inflicted on HOLES was Uttl a random blow
managed to entirely and without n-demntiou split one .
austere friend's best inlinitives. \\'e then returned to o in-
borne. Alas, the young lady was gone, gone like a U-aiitiful
dream— and sower.- all my best silver spoons, ti
presented tome by the Imaiim of KASHJIIK, and a IIM
.silver-gilt epergne on.-.- the proiM-rty of CMIA, and much
valued by me on tliat account.
1 turned to HOLES for au explanation. His face was quite
calm.
"The poor PRINCESS," he said, "is now in safety. 1!
help her. Hers has been a terrible ston. For-iv, „„•
POTBON, but it had to be."
"Hoi.!.-." 1 murmured reverentially, "you were never
greater and more generous than you are at this moment."
THE FATAL MOUSTACHE.
n.
1 wiil.l. recoil, vt my next meeting with M \\ I>K. It was a
•lay exenini.'. and I fixed the moustache on while wailing
on the steps of the house. The servant stared rudely when
she opened the door. 1 was shown into the drawing-room
raaL They were all there, Mrs. Si:\ init and M\u.r
and }-i» and KKHK. Mrs. SEVIEH at first did not
me. tbon0fa slie put up her JorLrnettes, but MMM .~.,id at
" Why, jt'sCTWL with a moustache. What an improve-
ment!" and the others echoed, "Why. \,-s. what an
improvement ' Then, U-forel could explain'. Mvi M rushed
me into the little study, and 1 had never known I,,
affectionate before. Sh.'- told me 1 could have Mo i,|..a how
please*! she was that 1 had made a little sacrifice f,,r her she
knew that I myself did not want to grow the moustache
that I had done it for her sake. She declared that it had
entirely changed me, and that s|,e |,,x,.,| „„. „„,,.,. ,|1;11| ^,l(1
had ever loved me before. No one now. she said could
1 me Qflhr. ,S, they had! .Ma,l.-r lt..|,. I ,|,,,,b,
OCklly 1 have not sent out the photos yet." s|,,. went on '
"we must In- done ag-ain," and she t.K.'k <|own the lar-.'-
abinel photo ,,f myself from the mantelpiive. looked at, it
aughcd at it, and threw it into t|,,. lire. "] really don't
know how I could liave accepted you before." she said
•i must koknowiedge that you mn
hen. and. without waiting for an answer, she kissed
JANUARY 13, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
and declared she liked the way it tickled
immensely.
After that, what was I to do? The
way she was taking it was most dis-
eoiicert ing. It was so very different from
what I had imagined. It was weak of
me, but I 1'elt 1 must not undeceive
her yet. I had not the heart 1o rob her
of an. innocent pleasure, liesides, her
new mood was so pleasant. I would
wait a little.
So, from that day, to my shame— and
ultimate (.•(infusion I began, to lead a
double life. To the world at large I
was clean-shaven ; to MAUDE I was
moiistached. I need scarcely say that
In a man of my temperament — brought
up as 1 had been — the deception was
peculiarly painful. And, on the top of
that, there was the growing fear lest I
should be found out. The strain soon
liegan to tell on me, so that I wonder
my dear Mother did not notice it.
Once, actually, I met Mrs. SEVIKK in
Oxford Street. I hurried by without
saying a word, and she did not recog-
nise me. In the evening I had the
mortification of hearing her tell MAUDE
that she had seen a. man exactly like 1
used to be, only with a nastier expres-
sion. This did not make things easier
for me.
Kvcry day I intended to tell MAUDE,
and every day I put it off to the next.
It was so difficult. She was so evidently
proud of me now — prouder than she
hai 1 ever been. She seemed quite differ-
ent from what she used to be. I did not
care to interfere with her happiness.
Soon a date was fixed for the wedding,
and she had actually almost agreed to our
living with Mother, so that she (Mother)
could look after us both. She had
siid anyhow we could try it for a
little. Meanwhile I had made up my
mind that I would tell her after the
wedding.
Then the end came — quite suddenly.
I had brought her a little present of
a piece of jewellery that evening. On
such occasions she was always especially
affectionate. She flung her arms round
my neck, and kissed me very, very
fondly. That must have loosened it.
Later in the evening — she was absurdly
childish at 1 imes — she began to turn the
ends up. I begged her to desist, for I
saw what it might lead to, but no, she
wag obstinate. There may have been a
slight struggle. Anyhow, suddenly my
mouth felt cold, and the moustache came
away in her hand. With a little shriek
ibe let it fall. \Ve both watched the
thing as with cruel slowness it flickered
to the ground.
I do not propose to reproduce the
scene that followed. I am ashamed to
say that MAUDE forgot herself. She was
rude to me.
THROUGH A GLASS DARKLY.
Motor Craiik (in dark-tinted spectacles). "Ji'ST BEEN CANVASSING.
BLACK IN THE COUNTRY."
Ladt/. " On, BUT WHY DON'T YOU TRY TINK GOGGLES ? "
THINGS AIIE LOOKING VEBY
The next morning there arrived a
quite unnecessary letter from Mrs.
SEVIER. Later, the moustache came
back in an envelope, with the words
" You left this yesterday," written in
the flap.
Those are the facts.
.My Mother has just been down, in
her dressing-gown, to remind me to
take my drops before I go to bed. Dear
Mother ! That is just like her. She is
always thinking of me. Perhaps, after
all, I am better with her to watch over
me. I should certainly have forgotten
the drops.
Mother asks me particularly to men-
tion that she is delighted the match is
off. And I myself think I should have
been sorry to be tied to a JHM-SOU with
such a horrid temper. I am nearly
sure of it.
Still, I am not quite certain that
marriage with her cousin will not be
too severe a punishment. Yet, perhaps
it may be a lesson to MAUDE, and teach
her not to forget herself.
M
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
1.".. l'J04.
PRECAUTION.
•PCOCT Ci<u«, AX' A Pmrr 'EADACHB POWDEB!'
THE 1LC.C. JOURNALISTS IN
AUSTRALIA
pA peculiarity of til* preen* F.nnlibh
cnduting combination on tour in Australia in
• •'.-• - . i -.- .-
orrwpondaiu. Fully half of On-
nrnw to b> 'cupplrawnlina their
-
Jan 7. 1904.]
MB. WJUKTK'B merry men occasionally
refresh thaoMdm with a game of
cricket — indeed, on two separate occa-
•< eleven- -I »i i
frivolities an not allowed to interfere
with their pro|»-r journalistic labours.
•a lily no team of ready
writers has < <l anti[xxican
•bores, and there is i,..i a man amonc;
tin-in \vhci i^ nut iii ft inn. WARNER'S
skill with tin- i ..-a Las always been
extraordinary. His up ami down htmki.-
-.-• brilliant, ami he dips into l)n>
ink with amazing raiiidity. I'.-- \v..>' i i
writes with his heaa, *. i good
K'Hotcs has a way <>f dropping
abort anttenoefi now an<l tlu-n \\imli i-
^ii^r in tin n-.iili-r. Some of
his curly OIH-S aro irn-M.stililr.
holds lii« ix'ii Icxiw'ly, ami sti'jis nut totlic
Imiy \vonls \\ith ti-rribli- i-ITn I. l.il.l.HY
has a inarkfd ti-ndi-m-y to .•ujiliuisni —
]MTh;i|is lii-nilitary.
A fi-w spi-iinrns of tin- ti-ain'n recent
\\ork. ilrM-riliiii.tr OIH- i>f tlirir ilikTi -
into the crirki't lifld. all culled from
ciirrnit i>^m-i "f tlii-ir rcsjifctivi' jour-
nals, may !»• inii-rcstiiiK : -
.Mr. \V\i:MK, \vritiiiL,' in tin- \\'mt-
,• i ;, i~,-i!. that l-'ii
ir.-atiii.-nt of tin- Hcmli^o l»'y- \va^
•• iM-y.'iid i !!•• showi-d nimaali
in .-\,-r .1 " r-li-rliiiK liowli-r."
Mr. !l"-\sotM, writing in the S/.
to JhuvumV
liciiili.LTo in nine's as a" liii-to|ijx-r." "It
is doulitful." hr adds. " if a In-llcr in
was i-vcr ]ila'.
Mr. |-o~ii.u, writing in tin- Jmin/n
.<ti;-i-t dnx-tli'. dcjn- ->f liis
own ^rn-at iniiiiiL's. All the while, lie
.•^i\.-. lie was " loni/m^' to p-t hack to
-k and tclcyrai'li f
LII.I.KY, writing in the H'<i riri< -l;*h in-
I 'liii-iini, joins in tho chorus of eulogy
of .Mr. FOSIKU'S innings. "It was
gnat," are his ^nqihir words.
KMI.III. in an iiiterer.tiii.tr letter to the
. r 1. '/us, remarks on the climate
of Australia. It is, he hotter
than home for the most part, hut
times not BO hot."
11 \i\v\Hiv. writing to the Oval Oracle.
speaks enthusiastically of Mr. WutSKti's'
captaincy. "A little liit of all right,"
he calls it, in a vivid phrase.
Al.-Noi.ii, who acts as corresp indent
of the \\~nrcffi • -truck
tiy the likeness of the Australian men
and women to those of his own country.
••They are unmistakably of the, old
stock," he wri'
RlKU'Ks has a similar comment in the
Bramall-Lane Advert i » r. lie also s)M-aks
of Mr. FOSTER'S great innings as "im-
mense."
. writing in Xiitsex .ST»ii/i/x-/.i,
paints the rigours of the voyage with
much feeliiiir. " \Ve were all in tin-
pavilion most of the time," he says.
"They had forgotten to put the heavy
roller over the sea."
TYUIKSI I:Y. in the Old Trafford
refers to Mr. 1 great
" '1'hn'e or four other innings like it."
he Writes, "aild the other side would
have had less of a look-in than they
had."
Sn:i I'WicK, writing in IV. G.'sWi-i /.-///,
jmints nut that the gra^s on Australian
pilches might lie growing in Kngland,
"so little difference is there in thecolour
and si/e of the lil;p:
:u these extracts it will !>•
that, whether or not the M. ('.('. team
- li.uk tli' ' lisll jour
nali>ni i- gaimiiir s"me \aluahle and
industrious recruits.
Ol{. TIIK I.OXIMIX CHARIVARI. -.IAMARV 13. 1001.
THE EDGE OF THE STORM.
BRITANNIA (Owner of Yacht, to CAPTAIN AHTH-B B-LF-H). " WOULD IT BE INTERRUPTING YOU TO ASK
IF WE ARE AS WELL PREPARED AS USUAL ? "
,1 VM'ARY 13, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
31
EMOLLIENTS FOR MILLIONAIRES.
A MKRN -A\ STYLE.
11.
TllK scene is a small room in Mr.
PONTHS W.UTI.K'S slightly palatial dwell-
ing. On the, table a few books,
arranged with resolute carelessness. A
bulbous portrait of Mr. WATTLE, who is
pointing with demonstrative ton-linger
to the blue-print of a mine, hangs over
the fire]ilaee. Ih'FFix throws OJXMI the
door and announces to tin- empty room,
"Mr. .Mu;n:i. TOHMSK." Mr. TOUI.ISK
enters as iinei lusciously as if surrounded
by a hundred eyes, of whose ga/e a
high self-respect bade him seem unaware,
lie walks straight to the table, take,-, up
a book, and on seeing the author's name
puts it down with a restrained yelp.
He stands before the fire and takes out
his watch. Mr. WATTLE appears in the
doorway and looks inquiringly at Mr.
TORUS K.
Mr. Wattle. Have a chair, young man.
What can I do for you to-day ?
Mr. Tarlixl.: Nothing for me, nothing
for me, Mr. WATTLE. It is I who minis-
ter to you. I come from Mrs. CAY.
Mr.W. 0, to be sure. And what
may your line be ? I 've seen so many
of you fellows, I'm getting rather
mixed.
Mr. T. At the request of Mrs. CAY
I have come to talk to you for five or
ten minutes about pictures, in which
your house does not seem to abound.
.Mi: H". Fi re away, young man.
Mr. T. You wish to buy a few paint-
ings, I believe ''.
1/c. II". Sure !
Mi: T. Ah! . . . Well, the usual thing
and I employ this expression in neither
an eulogistic nor a dyslogistic sense
the usual thing for an American million-
aire is to be guilty of Sehreyerei.
Mi: H". Steady, there. Let's have
your notions without the, tinfoil.
.1/r. 7'. I mean, to buy a painting by
SCIIREYKH.
.Mr. \V . Yes, I've heard he docs have
the call.
1/r. T. And then a picture by MONET.
Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm
not classing SCHREYER and MONET together
not for a minute. Tired as I am of
the ordinary stereotyped Monet, I yield
to none in my admiration for parts of
his work. For example, take some
among his paintings of London fog,
masterpieces little known and less .ap-
preciated. If you have set your heart
on one of these, 1 shan't say no.
Mr. \\'. (icitli resignation). No, I guess
you'd say a lot more than that.
Mr. T. Pardon? ... As I was saying,
have your Monet, if you must, "have
your Schreyer, have even your Ziem,
but .
BEAU NASH AND THE FOREIGN INTRUDER IN THE "PUMP ROOM."
DlSGCST OF BoXE-ARH (CALCIUM PHOSI'HATE) ON FINDING THAT THE LITTLE PARVENU ITSTART,
MnNSIWR liAIUOlf (DISCOVERED BY MADAME Cl'RIE) IS ALSO PRESENT IN THE THERMAL SPRINGS OF
BATH — IN SPITE OF THE HOST STRINGENT AND EXCLUSIVE RULES TOO"!
["The Hon. R. J. STIH.TT has detected the presence of radium in the waters of Bath." "The
reason why the presence of radium is easily detected in spite of the smallness of the proportion
present, is that the /<•«(» are so exceedingly sensitive." "Calcium is predominant in the thermal
springs of Bath." — Daily Paper*.]
Here Mr. TORLISK, breaking off, looks
upon Mr. WATTLE, and smiles as one who
would make his face subtly suggestive
of great things.
Mr. T. Mr. WATTLE, have you ever
considered the ground-floor aspect of
art?
Mr. WATTLE gazes dejectedly about
the room, as if faintly hoping to find an
answer to the puzzle.
M?\ T. Have you ever thought of the
fascination, the honour, the glory of
dealing in aesthetic futures? . . . You
see I adapt my language to your under-
standing ... Do I, may I, hope you find
my mysterious excitement a little — 0, si
pen — contagious ?
Mi: W. (after he lias spat accurately
into tin' fire). Young man, I don't catch
your drift.
Mi: T. Be careful what you say !
You may chill me ! Listen. Many
years ago a young man named CLAUDE
MONKT was unknown, unregarded, un-
bought, unsought. No picture of his
hung on the walls of the rich, no ...
.1/r. H". Wa'n't heborii yet?
Mi: T. Sh ! . . . No picture by him
'
. . . There, that phrase has escaped me.
Let us pass on ... And in those days a
connoisseur, one skilled to know beauty
in its bud, began to buy the pictures
of MONET and of MONET'S friends. He
bought those pictures cheap, he kept
them long, he sold them — those he
cared to sell — high, very high. Mr.
WATTLE, Mr. WATTLE, you can, if you
will, imitate that man and gain his
fame.
Mr. W. Well, you find a Monet cheap
and I '11 buy it. Cheapness no bar.
Mr. T. No, no. I mean this. There
are in the world, at this moment,
painters who are not yet the fashion, but
who will be before a great while, as any
competent appreciator will tell you.
Men like PUTZ and LUCIE.V PISSAHO, who
will have the vogue, whom even the
public will call great, in twenty ye ars
Buy them now, when they can be bought
at u fair price, and in twenty years you
will be known as a patron of art.
Mr. W. They ain't Americans? You're
sure?
Mr. T. Americans ! Do yon suppose
me capable of asking an American
PCNCII, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JAM- MM 1.3, 19(M.
uiiilir.it:'
Why,
I 11 i
ph! I
. mine I'
• a hi*
..f hi* :
.. I WOII.1.
have Hi'
fell •-,.-.•:.•:
•o bad. 'i
thinpi tiv t!
i my
i my purchase?
/' In essentials, ye
- :
Jr. W. And in twenty years I'm to
wn as a patron of art ?
T. As one of our foremost patrons
of art, Mr. WArm:.
.Vr. H'. Yen- px-d. T '11 think it
Meanwhile, I '11 take an instal-
nd buy me
something that 'H not too far ahead ot
the push. S «rry to have you leave.
(To be continued.)
A SELr-«rrLn> " chromoscopisl " fore-
.vill be a hint- yc-ar (as if
1903 wasn't blue enough!) At
the colours of success will be the deep
-!.- tone*, such as royal lilue and
cornflower blur, without £oing into the
r or the darker shades. Mr.
,'» Own Obscurantist has there-
fore prepared the following forecast,
month by month : —
January. — If the thermometer i-
bclow fn-cziiiK-jioint. nows. and also
I In- blue. A blue I,!
aristoiT.it will pun tin- hand of a rich
heiress.
-uary. — Blue-eyed younp ladies
will receive niui-h attention alxmt the
middle <>f thi.-. month from nu^-eplible
! .rs. i-pr: and
ill reap some tern-
advantage from the sale of sky-
: lilk.
March. — Some stir may be expected
in political circles, and true- !.!'.•
servatives, who are anxious to nt.
• t-ply imnjertt*-*! in Him- H«.kH.
Cheese will be exceptionally blue at thi-
\. I II.ICI .:.•-.'
URGENTLY INVITED TO THE PLATFORM BY LORD ROSEBERY.
"A-A-A-B, WILL DO I IBUMKt,— ITCLL DO I BOUXMB.— W«LL ! THXU HOW, BUBT
ir I AIK'T A'OOXC A»D cue** rataar IT ! ! "
[" It would be more use to the cause of Free Trade, if those who remembered those day*,
however old they may be, or however unaccsBtomed to public »peakinR if they were to appear
.« the platform and say in a few pathetic words, a» they would do, what they remember
days ofProtw-tion."— Lord Robbery at Ktinburyh.}
a victory for one of the contestants,
though Bubaeqn . uters this year
between the rival Blues will probably
end in draws, neither the li^ht nor th«>
dark shades portending success.
April. Will be remarkable for (lie
appearance of blue sky Ix-twwn the
showers. Christ's Ho-pital boy* will
•iieir accustomed uniform, and the
same prediction holds good of tin-
Horse Guards, polii • I members
of His Majesty's Navy.
May. — Bluebells may be looked for in
almost all the wooded parts of the
country. .Many blue tits also will be
observed throughout the lentfl'
breadth of the land, engaged in :
opml
June. — A large consumption by
wasberwomenlof a well-known comi ,
may safely be relied upon duris
month. S- • r,:l engagements are in
I prospect for the various Blue Hui,
Bands in London and elsewhere.
.lull/ Will be a good season for blue
Mi.- M.iny blue - Uittleri will
delight tin- hotiivholder with their merry
bii// and fricinlly little ways.
!'i'i. Tin- wa, with the kind i-n
opi-ration of the Clerk of the W.
will !*• of a deep blue colour in parts.
Peacocks' tails will exhibit the same
September. — A la r ire niimlx-r of holi-
,kers will " blue" their moi
.ml persons of lin.
ability will return with their VM-abulary
enriched by xpressions as
- I'arbleu." ' •' V, inrebleu!" and the
like. The air will thus l»e 1>1
occasion.
'.-•/•. Will mark the reassembling
of "blue-Kt<«l- tin- res|»-rtive
colle^i-s. Te»Motallers will |M>
distinguished by a piece of blue nhlxm
in the cicit-lajN-1.
Nan ml • i . Tur'i
W(.rn with surreys by the wives "f the
••..l!-..-i, who possess these
Mil' !i blue china will }•
n of th
artiil will arise
' 'g-
- The favourite |iantomime
will !*• HI,,, I.,, „••!. The Chi
will IK- fitly terminated liy
doses of the familiar blue pill,
will be blur, as usual.
.1. \NT.UIY 13, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
33
6 8
•? s
I
cc
O a
Q. -3
1 1
If
< §
O |
LU S?
O o
OR THE I. HAKIVARI.
MR. PUNCH'S SYMPOSIA.
VT11-- l« o KXI?
*- Vsha
f niisilh drawn attention in the Time* Mr. Fortnum. K\.i, tiy What is the
is hugi'ly dwe to sa insufficient dietary, dinerence.my friend MA-OS said, between
I am all for a free breakfast table, but a Cambridge sausage
I would act pamper the proletariat >ir Ijnd* Morri*. That reminds me
.dentine in verse that I once
with a mcBssmg aflowanoe to squander it sent to Sir TBOMAS Lorox. It began:
OB cavure. whatever their General might -fny tfQmt, gmttlSamn olOMgt,
sat. W:
Sir Lnri* Morris. Y •
merely be attuned to the enviroome: Eaur» Thompson. My beLef is
Mf.
that if one eats nothing between meals
one may eat anything at them. It in
hut to the character of the mental efort.
F or rmc flaghts 1 recommend ortolans,
for the heroic couplet brandy and
Jtrlf_ Varierr should be the •Vr- •/'J'n Tmndley. 1 cannot agree.
.- .- • •
from Iffk. foods. Milk *°°^ 'or more tnan l^Tff hours. Besides,
- ••--..-:.,-,:
five times a day — at breakfast, lunch,
afternoon tea, dinner and sapper.
Mr. Bernard Star. Society is full of
make yoar sWh creep, 1 asm* say the best people.
I thai is a oveaboa that cannot be Sir Lrri* Mam*.
IX. w* or do we ; Hades of aa epicure
on the necessity of
» is to the maaise i
aaat man only one aasau. Of during the
we do. That is to SST. of eosne ••»• ' fc***1 o" ^ Cndergroand. I
-
When
iBtiuli OB truffles, tubers,
other roots, washed down with
of coal tar.
to mr friend
>ir Henry Thamp*jn. Orer-eating is of
capper men.
• Lewi* Morri*.
TKTMK.ET is
if WC took
vwdlMia the
perfectly right. As I remark ii.
Sonjs /ra '
Tct his Toracitr
For ke amid mem eat i
IW ke could eat BO awn.
At Cnatsworth the other day
Mr. Bernard Star. If the aristocracy
to be carnivorous, it would no
longer be available far
a relative term. What is over- soaally I should be i«*FH to
be a Terr vegetarianism a penal offence for Peers.
. ... Dr. FmrfJianon. And, I should add.
Look at GjUKJurrr A. far raw recruits. It is, I believe.
Ah, my brave country- impomibk for a vegetarian to over-eat
himself, and oar " Bsodrieks " mast be
of over- not under-fed.
me aa Sir Bon Jwamoft shrewd remark Mrs. Earl,. I believe that on three
may be proved in a moment by a visit helpings of pat ptmrri a British soldier
to the Zonsnayal Society* Gardens in could » anvwhere and do anvthinir.
party Regent • Park. For example, the modest <ir Henry Thommmm. When I was
rnmid aseal of a quaner of a sheep which writing CturrUy A'iaaston's A*mt, I lived
leswaa BOB soB BM|HBBSII| would be almost eaUreJr on seakafe, widgeon, and
hebad,Dwt gross onMaaaajia the marmoset, while raspberry vinegar.
»?.» fr««"I rep-* to the Mr. fi^msnf Star. If I had
WA^i ^ •«- Ctair,.^«si,itwo«ldnotbe
to the laajmni or the anopheles stiD.
Mr. Fort MM. What is
. M-- -. . .
Mr. JohnTmmUey. Baring to put in
a compsJsary appearance very shortly at
the Peekham Boanl Scha "
the chair; which, I may
is the first chair in
to be, the I have not broken.
Prof. J2sy Losfaater. Before thi
meetmg dimolriis. 1 should like to point
oat that this err about over-eating u
ao new thing. IB my iiai'anhts nk
the pahwlithje age I have
ttseeaofsppaliagrepletinabi
while the mat of th
-
.1 un AIIY 13, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIYARI.
35
Iir.Ml'TY Lir.MlTV AN'D HIS YOLK-FELLOWS
AT Di;n;v LANK.
YF.M: after year and still the wonder grows that ancient
monarrh Pantomime in his palace at, Drnry Lain- should yet
be king of our hearts h>r any nnnilicr of nights and
matinees at close of the old and "pening of the New Year,
and that the present pantomimic policy of his most liberal
Conservative Ministry, as directed by the powerful Premier
AUTIHIS COLLINS (EUCKORY \Vooj > having a seat in the
prompter's box!, should have already achieved such success
as \vill render secure the dynasty of Pantomime formally
years lo come on the throne it. has so long and, as a, rule to
which the exceptions are rare, so brilliantly adorned. Vim/
Rex Pantomimua ! may his limelight never bo less, and may
his Chancellor of the Kxrhequer secure a splendid surplus!
The excellent, monarch deserves it: AllTHURUS DfiURIOLANUS
deserves it : and the members of his stringed and winded
band, including JACOBUS HAKiuMii.ox T.itius, the conductor
thereof, deserve it. Certainly, judging from the enthusiastic
applause dealt, out with no unsparing hands to all the
striking combinations and kaleidoscopic permutations of
nn )i i pings, to the vivid solutions and resolutions (no con-
nection with those " good " ones that are the subject of an
unpleasant proverb) of colour, to the ever varying lights, and
to all the graceful and, it maybe added, substantial — forms,
wlnise movements are us dazzling to the eye as is the per-
petual motion in a microscopic quintessence of radium, we
are bound to conclude that the popularity of this present
show is placed beyond the limits of speculation, and
that HHHI/I/I/ Dnm/ili/ of 1903 — 1904 will be memorable as
a mairnilicent and exquisitely-artistic display fairly beating
the record, even in the brilliant annals of Drury Lane
pantomime.
And for its fun and humour? Ah! that is another
question. And the answer? We speak of a pantomime as
we find the audience, and it is but strict justice to testify
that all the youngsters, whose presence was strongly in
evidence on the occasion of our visit, boys and girls
ranging from early ten up to mature sixteen, were evidently
enjoying it thoroughly, shrieking with laughter at the
comicalities of DAN LEKO (w1- se return is so welcome to
all of us) as Qwrii. >'/')•/'/«•/(/, n't !l \iaiv RAXPALL as Little Mary
the elders growl, sotto voce, "Hntig Little MARY! " — the not
particularly brilliant jape is played out ad nauseam),, of
that eminent all-round droll, Mr. HERBERT CAMPBELL, as King
/inn, and revelling in the drolleries of Mr. BASTOW as a1
sort oi over-grown ehockheaded Peter (his popularity being
as irivat a pn/./.le to us as was the plot of the pantomime),
while as Tin' Nrinvcnxr Mr. Ill (ill J. WAHI> plays a part
which, although clearly originating with Phroso (once of
the Hippodrome, is as. originally humorous in conception
is in this actor's dramatically comic rendering of it.
Meihinks, or, as we are employing the editorial first person
plural, usthinUs, that if all political allusions were banished
from Pantomime, our boys and girls would not miss the
omission, while the middle-aged and elderly of both sexes
wonld gladly welcome a neutral ground. Let "Fiscal
yield lo a " I'Yisk all Policy" in Pantomime, and
i- \\ilh e\ery .loi:. r\cept of course that chartered
liberline the I 'I, urn, sustain ing the ancient " JOEY" GISIMAI.DI
tradition. "Honours'' in political hits are fairly divided
at ]>rury Lane, as if King CAMPBELL sings a song in. praise
of " Our JOE," on the other hand Tin' >Vurecrou> puts a glass
in his eye, and, with an orchid in his buttonhole and a big
ami little loaf in his hands, staggers about, stumbles, and
collapses a yams! the proscenium amid roars of laughter.
Miss -M.MME GKOIH.I: renews her conquests over all hearts as
the sweet little Blossom, a pa.1 not so fascinating as her
little Dutchess of last year. A handsome, dashing and
THINGS THAT ARE BETTER LEFT UNSAID.
.l/;*s Fitz-Joncs (lo Smilhcn, who luis claimed first dance). ' You "BE
QflTB AN EAKI.Y ]!ll!l>, l\Ilt. SMITIIERS ! "
Smithers (making big attempt at something gallant). "An, YES, By
JOVE, AND I 'VB CAL'OllT T1IE WollM TOO ! "
sprightly pair of steppers are Miss LOUISE WILLIS and Miss
RUTH LYTTON as Humpty Dumpty and Rudolph respectively.
Miss ETHEL NEGRETTI ("and when we called ' NEORETTI,' / \\ir,u \
came" — where was XAMBIU?) was the embodiment, a very
handsome embodiment too, of the Spirit of Mirth; and
Madame GRIGOLATI as " Undine " flies about — (rather a
novelty this for Undine, except that she may be considered
as a flying-fish fairy who can also swim like the little duck
she is) and, adopting a new submarine line of action with
striking-out effect, leads a shoal of glittering GRIGOLATIS, all
as graceful and wonderful as ever.
The scenes by our artistic friends BRUCE SMITH, McCLEERY,
two CASEYS, Messrs. JoHNBTONE and HARPORD and HENRY EMDEV,
are as perfect as their collective and individual talent can
make them.
The tableaux are magnificent : the jeu de scene through-
out, admirably ordered by Field-Marshal MOORE ; and ARTY
COLLINS is to be 'artily congratulated on the highly
efficient work done for the pantomime by his chief costume-
house officer COMELLI.
We noticed that in the bill a "Harlequinade" was
announced, but as the Clmcii, "Whimsical WALKER,"
CHARLES Ross as l'(t>il(tliM»i,'V»\i CrsnKS1 for Harlequin and
I{OSK BOWK for Columbine, could not. have got their chance
until quite ll'SO, we hereby present the joyous quartette
with our compliments the most distinguished, and regret
that we, being early risers (like the GKH;OI.AIIS), were unable
to stay and see them either at "The Stores" or on "The
Housetops," which two scenes constitute the harlequinade.
Our loss. " So long ! " Alas, poor JOEY !
M. Lr.r.u m's new paper, Lr Saliara, is not to be without
rivals if we are to believe a rumour of the imminent issue of
the Timbuctootler and the Weekly
ITNVH. nil TIIK LONDON < IIAKIVMM.
ui IS,
A BLANK-BLANK-DAY!
]•!;<. VKIMUAI. I'lll
IKii.M TIIK TriiK.
l.\-i iii the lift, first out.
Tin- woi>t dran^'l. 'i.-t In-fore
tin- train.
It , ;i v. 'I-T that knows at
which end is tli'- " Way '
II.- wli • k.-.-ps Ins tit ket is I
A tr.iin at hand i« worth twenty at
Shepherd's H',-
IM. \\ I >i ;. \V..i M. Il was
ln.|M-<l that tin- -tlirls \vhii-h ill
I'.MX) rau-.-'l annul. I tin- f the
actual birthday of tin- N.-\v Century
had U-cii tin. illy cl i. I: has b.-en
left, 1 lor tin- ,
tlinu' a frrsli sipjili- .if >i
iiitu our nn<l-i. " Few C'-ni
" have had a
.sent than
L804."
on; I;I>(>KIN<;-OFFICF..
IT was with fear and trembl .nmito opened
,ihor .if Timothy'* <Jur»t. The most daiiLrerous
enemit-ttof a successful writer ore ih---- «( his own bouoehold.
Once a hit ha« b.- . ih.- pul.lic. having fn-sh d;
tli. in l)\ the Kline author, ever hark lurk \» th.-ir
first love, murmuring that the hand h;u-* l<«t its conning-
Tliat is a »-harK«' that will ii"t lie atr.iinM Mi-tn— > :
.,.( ,,f /.'. Siniiii/'.i-rK./; I'.irm
i> Hiitin. Kv '"T inspirations
il. Hut in her delineation ol
realinra th :•« :
A ilam-inK Sb«|«. »n Imago ga».
To fount, to (Urtle, and n..
Child or uirl, Uclxcea ia just delightful. Perhaps tl,,-
pirlh««id wenes are m-re attra.-tiv.- as giving fuller oppor-
luiiiiv for her freahnew. Th- in one <n too
Ain.-nean villages, where. doul)ll.->s. KMI.
f IIIHV live<l. She l«
I, its homes and its aca»oolbpa«« with <|uaint
hut human j»-ople. All are )f<«t\. Aunt Minimi ij, with her
,nd aeid manner: simple Aunt Jam-, with
memories of h»-i ,r;issed Mr». Si;;i/*.;i.
with ln-r wveii ehildri-n and f.«Kl enough fi>r thr. ••
.Sim;» - ncliant for -wappin- |«.rt;.l>l.- articles
Ml that I.
to six months an -unlim: t.i the view
i.ikes . if the ( irciiiustances ; and. al>
^'e-coach from Mapl. -\M«»| t.>
.nitr <-hapt.-r. r.-lalinv the .
in- «-..n\c\s h.-r in ;
eqiud ;..i:.ill.-l paaaage in I)n KKXB. Krl
thorough'
• thus the Harnii lets MM! thni'-foiirths (,f the
auth h'T admiring ])tililic.
•
is the
.-as.-, it i
0fV Hants, liv " .l"|{\
On a lueinorahle oceasinii 'Mr. H'c//«-»- nlisi-rved a
drinking young 'oonuui " a-8wdlin' vrisibly l>.-f.T.- his \\.-ry
iv Rirouite notes the same phenomenon oeeurrin;,'
in \\'lm'.t \\'li:, A. A ( '. |;i \, K . This notwithstanding that
tin-re have U-en slicecl olT the original eorjiorate li,»ly tin-
.1 Tallies that formerly oreiijiied tin- lir-t jiarl of the
volume. They are issued ; call, d \\'li<i'x
\\'lm Vi'.ic //'•"./.•. The older volume is DOW confined
UL; the names and addre.-ses of the principal |
the kingdom, with l»ri«-f biographical notes. The volume
run- hundred closely-printed pa^-.--. At the
moderate romputation of eiirht a :rticiilars
•H-ople alioiil a- wide a circle of ae.|uaint-
aiice as man <; woman either. The indi-|«-ii-aliility
of \\'ln>'n U'/oi, IOIIL' .-lalill-hed, will I -tionately
wideneil liy this exti'iided edition.
1'art VI. of thai excellent collection entitled ' .'
publi-hed by HKIM.M »NN in I/uidon, and II \riil.l II in I'ai
now In-fore the pnlilie. and another niimlier -r the
L'Ui of this month, llereii.
four excellent r.-pr. M!IH 1 101
works by V\s I hi K. II \
BDWHiai and \V u i each
picture then- i> a well written
preface. < -. .niiirelieii>i\el\ • iii. -.true-
live, liy Sir Si VI:IIN ( '-.NW vi
gamerer of reprinta ahould fail to
aihl these s|Mi-iniens to hi> ]»irt-
They all deserve- ha>
' h M-areely -oiinds eompli-
m.-ntary . and the l.aron
that a sfiecial kind of frame is now
adv.-itised as fittiiiL,' tl»
THE
lUKu\
I'K
H -\V
All In view . f the T ,dy rre-
_rranl a sitlii, li
Holiness has come • li ;i as
Second I'i
J.VM'ABY 20, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
37
A THREE-MINUTES' COMEDY.
NE — A room in /i i-ountry house.
CHARACTERS.
Jack (25). Florence (SO).
.I.,, -I;. So you '11 be in town all day
to-morrow?
Florence. Yes— shopping. Anything
I can do for you ?
J. Xo that is ah. but it would be
giving you too much trouble, Miss
Vi\ i \N.
F. That depends, doesn't it ? If it 's
a gun, or anything of that sort
./, Inixtilir. Do YOU think I'd ask a
girl to choose a er, no it 's nothing of
that sort. It's it 's a bit of jewellery,
in fact.
]•'. What sort of bit?
,/. \\V1I. the fact is. it 's a prrnrnt — a
really nice dianiond brooch. 1 rather
thought of. But if you could choose it.
I should be sure it was right.
/•'. i icilh a slight flush). Very polite of
you to say so. May I ask why ''.
J. Well, because you know her — that
is, my friend's — taste. I 'm sure you do.
/•'. to herself, triumphantly). He does
mean it for me! (Aloud) A diamond
brooch ? But they 're not cheap, you
know.
J. Xo; but then this is — is a special
sort of occasion, you see — kind of thing
(hat only comes once in a lifetime —
don't you agree?
/•'. to herself). He 's going to at last
• — and what a delightful way of doing
: loud, with an effort, not quite suc-
///. nt Ki'renity) And you've quite
decided on diamonds ? Suppose one —
Mippose she — your friend, I mean,—
preferred sapphires?
J. Xo, it had better be diamonds.
1'ou't think she cares for sapphires.
/•'. I'H'ji'i-ly). But she does, indeed she
does!
J. Fancy not, really. Heard her say
by chance about a month ago that she
thought sapphires unlucky.
F. (gasping). Heard who say ?
J. Why, MARY ACTON. It 's for her
that I want the brooch. Surely you
guessed that ?
F. Yes, yes — of course I did. Of
course. But — but on second thoughts
— I think I 'd rather you — you chose it
yourself.
J. (much puzzled, dimly conscious
that something is u~rong). Oh, I
FOOLS AND THEIR MONEY
Jones (idio has been hating a fair bucketing for the last half-hour, as he passes friend,
his mad career). " I 'D GIVE A FIVEE TO GET OFF THIS BHOTE ! "
r).
Friend (brutally).
THAN THAT ! "
'DOS'T CHCCK TOUR MONEY AWAY, OLD CHAP ! YOU *LL BE OFF FOB LESS
want to give you any trouble, Miss
VIVIAN— still, as you kindly offered to
undertake a commission for me in
town
F. (having recovered herself, coldly).
Very well. But do you want it to-mor-
J. No hurry for a week or so — or
even a month. But the wedding 's to
be in February, and
F. (in amazement). The tcedding ?
J. Yes, MAUY ACTON'S wedding to
DICK GKAHAM. Didn't you see the an-
nouncement in the Morning Post to-day ?
F. (tremulously). No — I didn't — I
don't thought for a moment
J. (to himself). By Jove — she really
does care and — take the chance, man
— now or never ! (Aloud) Miss VIVIAN
— if you really wouldn't mind — there is
another piece of jewellery— I should
love to give — to — er, to someone rather
nearer than Miss Acros — and if I might
choose it with you— FLORENCE ? . . .
F. JACK !
(Quick curtain.)
PROFESSOR WHELIUM RAMSAY is to
lecture at the Californian University on
Radium and gases generally, and on any-
thing else that may be " in the air "
discoverable between now and summer-
time. It is said that the eminent Pro-
fessor has invented a new and "more
excellent way " of grilling psammon for
breakfast. This is indeed valuable.
Prevented Suicide of a Duke.
" THE Duke of WESTMINSTER shot the
preserves at Eaton Hall last week. The
Duke was unable to shoot himself owing
to his recent hunting accident." —
Weekly Irish Times.
XI VI.
PUNCH, "i: THK ].n.\i>M\ < n\i:i\ MM.
[JjL\i ua 1M. 1904.
FRAGMENT OF AN EPIC OF THE UNDERGROUND.
[A humble nJuiirrr »u
had hi« at triit.
(ollom Lu rumple, »ith the deplorable mult* t-
which he en-while.
Tb' «is Mount-. Hard,
I plank.
Hut change*! hia dreadful purpose ami was made
lerd.'li. I • ' I |u».-cd within
•er Hridp
. n/.y i'ii in.- II. re, n=. th.-ught.
Where more than elsewhen »n tin- I v-n ;• i lv.nl
Mephitir vapours . M.t.-i (• it lin- clinie
i >f Had™, 1 ahull find the atmosphere
•1 to Orpheiu .
j>io for tin- day. 'I'll.- ticket in. in
Hondo.: in
I, fur which I ]>;nd the (ee
Marke< i a. Aduwu the stairs
Two at a tune with \\<
And caught a London and N nl. W. -t, m train
h as OOOneCte with H\I-T|"T.-.>:: i
At Willesden Junction.
Partly f-r the sake
Of inspiration sucked from deadlier fumes,
And partly in the certain hope to mix
With f.-mule passengers, same one of whom
Might serve as model for Eurudiee,
I chose a smoking carriage. In the hurry
My choice was careless, and I chanced to light
On a compartment of superior class,
Whose occupants numerically touched
The Muses' level. live upon tin- I'-ft,
Four on tin- right hand. \v ..... (-n every one.
Myself the submerged tenth. Btnignl I surmised
That from some meeting at the Mansion House
They were returning, since their talk was loud
< >f petticoats designed for heathen hipe,
Mut nowise reminiscent of the Nine
Pierides.
Finding it in the way.
I slung my lyre u]x>n the rack reserved
light im|>ediincnta, when- it made
.Knliiin music, owing to the draught.
Hut scarce, in these distracting circumstances,
Had I composed beyond a score of lines
liroadly embodying the nymph's regrets,
Like this: "Excuse me. dear, that I forgot
That willy rule about the backward glance
And thus upset our mutual applc-<
And so forth — ere we reach the ensuing station,
St. James's Park, where passengers alight
For that depressing block of buildings named
From our Queen AxxE, deceased. Audio! the door
Yawned t.. admit a mother and her l>a!ie.
And all the latent m.mli .-I in me roue
iliein place; which they ;it , • t .,|.
ppwing knees I stood
I'ntil tin- shork of starting flung :
• '•• hat ; ,nc babe
«»" an instant peal of pure delight.
Jtut I, recovering all my (• ip
And mused again of I !,'•!!.
' lr-t 8O HOOn
Oould that elusiv. iw re-caught ,
M further do/en lines when n great voice
That rned " Victoria ' Victoria ! "
Uronght luck to me the Ma-ti-r's Jubilee Ode.
And. while that niemory thrilled me through and
through,
A Btvnd jeik, <-an-.-.l this time liy the brake,
me, as from a catapult,
< >ii an adjoining l.i]
A second spasm
iil-r.l the li.iln*. Hut even as I rose,
Breathing inspired ajiologies, the <l(xir
•:.-.!, and an inspector entered in
And asked to s<v my ticket ';eon,
Whin the sleuth-hounds fell on him where ho watched
1'ian.i'.-- mvsteries from In-hind a •
Felt sm-li a imignant sh.iiue a-> I, Ix'ing found
A lonely male, and in an attitude
t all nnc. unpromising, as it seemed,
, made t.> pay the difference betw
ud and third-class Tire.
This done, anon,
I clutching at the rack wherein my 1
Still fitfully discoursed .Lilian airs,
The train proceeded ....
[Editor. Can't you stop here ?
Author. If you inaist Rut you must bear the responsibility.
Editor. With pleasure.]
===== °'S-
MR. PUNCH'S SPECTRAL ANALYSES.
XI TIIK THIN KM> OF THK WKI«;K.
'•I IIKC; you," said the Headless Man with some agitation,
"not to dream of doing such a thing. Of course, if ym
think that I am unequal to the \\ork " he added rather
'v frami-il
"My dear Sir," I replied, "not at all. Not at all. What
a notion ! I am sure there is not a spectre on the list who
could do it half so well, and what the Haunted Mill would
be without von I don't care to thirk."
" Then why wish to employ another ghost ? "
'' 1 thought you would like a companion. It must be lonely
for you here when 1 am away."
"I miss you, of course, as who would not?" replied the
iless Man in his charming way. " But I prefer solitude
to the company of another ghost. Take my advice, Mr.
Wi iwfB. Dismiss the idea of increasing your establishment."
The trouble was this. My old friend I/ml S\V;AXIKK.
finding it necessary, owing to the expenses connected with
the marriage of his eldest daughter, t.. retrench, had resolved
to dismiss one of his staff of spectres, a luminous Ixiy of
.lent cliaraeter and obliging disposition. Wishing to
procure him a comfortable home in exchange for the luxury
.pf Snug-azure Towers he had written to me, suggesting that
1 should enrol him as a member of my household. " YOU
must want a ghost," he had said, having evidently forgotten
that 1 already employed a Headless Man.
1 fell a delicacy in adding to my establishment without
the approval of the II, .1 dl,-,s Man, so I had told him of I»rd
\/i lie's i>i-o|K»al, which, as I have shown, he had unhesi-
tatingly condemned.
jiss the idea." he said again. " I have a great respect
and I may say liking for you, Mr. Wt IHX;S " ihen- lie
brushed away the not unmanly tear), "and 1 should not care
to see you suffer the same fate as Mr. MOSKN-
" What was that?" 1 inquired; "I don't think I
heard that story."
"Ah, then 1 will tell it to yon. You will find it extremely
relevant t-> the case in jioiut. This Mr. M •- i- . -IKIM was a
rrxni, on THE LONDON OHARIVARI.--.TANTAIIY 20, ino4.
NOT TO BE DEAWN.
RUSSIAN OCCUPIER (OH «M/fran<?e). "HI! YOU THERE! WE WANT THIS DRAWBRIDGE UP!"
UNCLE SAM. " SORRY, BUT I 'VE JUST GOTTEN THE PROPRIETOR'S PERMISSION TO SIT ON IT."
[In face of strong opposition from Russia, the Emperor of CHINA has ratified a commercial treaty with the United States, by which
certain ilanehurian towns are opened to American trade.]
JANUARY 20, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
41
"pig in clover," who, by dint of rigging
the market, had risen from compara-
tively decent obscurity to the possession
of several millions of pounds. His first
act was to ensure himself a sufficiency
of congenial society by settling in Park
Lane, his second to look for a good house
in the country. He hit upon Blenkin-
sop Manor, the seat of Lord BLE.V-
KINSOP. an amiable old gentleman who,
through a tendency on the part of his
sons to marry music-hall artistes instead
of American heiresses, had been reduced
to a genteel poverty. Lord BLENKIKSOP
closed with his munificent offer, and
Mr. MOSKNSTEIN* took possession. Of
course, as you will doubtless have fore-
seen, he had trouble from the outset
with the resident ghost. The latter, I
have heard, gave notice five times in
the first week, and it was only the en-
treaties of Mr. MOSENSTEIN, couched in
passionate Yiddish, and the tears of
Mrs. MOSENSTEIN, that induced him to
stop on and give them one more trial.
It was a fatal move on the part of the
new owner. The spectre became a
tyrant. He insisted on having a suite
of apartments reserved for him, dis-
missed several of the servants, ex-
amined every list of guests, and claimed
the right to veto those of whom he dis-
approved. In fact, Mosenstein Manor,
as it had been re-named, became a sort
of lodging-house — in which the MOSEN-
STEINS were the lodgers. It was only
the fear of losing their ghost that pre-
vented the newcomers from rebelling.
So things went on, until one day Mr.
MOSKXSTEIN, retiring to his study for a
last cigar before going to bed, found
the best chair already occupied. The
occupant was a spectre. He was sitting
in front of the fire, reading the Spectral
News. He looked up as Mr. MOSENSTEIN
entered, but resumed his reading with-
out a word. The lord of the Manor
smoked his cigar in the billiard-room.
' ' A friend of mine," explained the
resident ghost, on being questioned next
day. 'He has come to stop for a few
days. I trust he does not intrude ? If
so — ' He paused, and looked so much
as if he were going to give notice again
that Mr. MOSENSTEIN hastened to say that
he was charmed to put up any friend of
his, and hoped he would stop as long as
he liked. Which, I may say, he did.
He is still there. It was the thin edge
of the wedge. During the next fort-
night six other spectres arrived, and
each time Mr. MOSENSTEIN was forced to
give in and assure them that they were
welcome. Soon there was quite a
spectral house - party at the Manor.
And it was not long before the human
occupants of the house began to feel
the pinch of the boot. Mr. MOSEX-
STEIN- was not allowed to go into his
study, because the ghost there hated
A HUMANE INSTINCT.
Snob (who has been making himself very objectionable). " I SAY, WHAT DO TOO DO WITH YOCR
GAME?"
Host. "GIVE SIT FRIENDS WHAT THEY WANT, AND SEND THE REST TO MARKET."
Snob. "An, SELL IT, DO YOU? WITH MY GAME, DON'TYERKNOW, I GIVE MY FRIENDS SOME, AND
SEND THE REST TO THE HOSPITALS."
Host. " AND VERY NATURAL AND PROPER, I 'M SURE. THE ONLY THING I 'VE SEEN YOU SHOOT
TO-DAY WAS A BEATER ! "
t to be disturbed. He could not use the
! billiard-room because two gentlemen
| who had killed one another there in the
reign of HENRY THE SIXTH wanted the
table for their nightly three rounds
with the broadsword. All the best
bedrooms had to be given up, and even
the terrace was occupied. And, not
wishing to lose his original ghost, Mr.
MOSENSTEIN had to put up with it all.
To cut a long story short, when he
visits Mosenstein Manor now, he stays at
the Lodge ; and I see in the Spectral
this week that even that is about
to be taken — as a bijou residence for the
Countess of BLENKINSOP, who poisoned
herself there in the days of the Com-
monwealth. So now you see the danger
of having more than one ghost. One
spectre," concluded the Headless Man,
sententiously, " is an indispensable
adjunct to domestic bliss. Two are a
nuisance. Half-a-dozen spell Misery."
And, settling his head comfortably
under his arm, he vanished. I went down-
stairs, and wrote to Lord SANGAZI:KE
informing him — with regret — that I
had no vacancy.
PUNCH,
()H
TIIK
LONDON
i n\i;i\ MM.
[J.t>
Juiif. Wire fnmi I'm-le COM**:, mii.' very
unwell. Come .it oa, . 11. • '- always fancying In- h K"'»Kr
tn die but he never JOM. Still, of oouree I m Very
annoyim;. th •u:-l>. because I particularly w.ti
thai 'dance at tin- DS8BO»>I .,!!- t.. ni.irr.iw evening. Kllli.i.
j one*'. I ••'! this from promi-.-d t.i k.-.']> two w.dt/.es for inc. Il.u.\,;, look up
; TUV tr.in. ' :>lin:_' to /<Y.i /i/i. nr. only one train .it 111"'.
: planetary tal.l.-. all worked nut .lu-t tun,, t.. catch it. Mustn't run any risks, though.
r* <>( old. By sending name ami Where's tin- .V.M-<rf.' "Avoid trav.-l any day this \\
MY POCKET MASCOT.
R rtmld make out always been n failure so
far. Now I M-C it all ' It i-n't l.v.iu-- I W.LH l*>rn unlucky
mply becauae I 've been doinif thin«« at times which,
• tl
by Chaldean -
particular ' my birth which, fortunately. Then that Mill,'* it ! [f I did go, there 'd only be a collision
• ... . • • • • ',.' r something, and I i i t reach him aitar all. Wu-.-
: '.-.-•.•.• . i • : . •.-. • .::..-, . , : i .. -. •• pattifl '• poaaibl lecn town it preaent." Very
unlucky colours, stones \», weeks, months, Ix-st disapp >intinir but (juite sure dear old I'nde wouldn't wish
. ; i . • •. ; . f .••..-.•.•-•,. ' ; • •.•''•.:•.:.:..• he 'I have
ive a successful year at last ! nol^ly t,, leave all his money to, then!
unary. — Circular at st from German State lottery. .lu-t back from the I V.simmi (ills' dance. I'm the happie-t
Just about to pit, h it into tin-, when it ««-curred to me to man in the whole world! KillKl. looking so lovely that I
.It M<i»--»t. Chart says M ween 9 and lot...la\ is my couldn't reaiat asking bar to be mioa after rapper. And .-he
"lucky ! iviiitf biiMiiess proposals." S-nd h a- .n . -epted me ! No idea she was an heiress, but from what
cheque for twenty tickets at once. And to think that, but Mi MH KY said in ooognfeliatug ma it appears she will have
for Pocket Ifoarof , I should have let the chance of a lifetime live thousand a y.-ar on her m.irri.iu'e. Not that it -iui
slip through m\ Whenever anything d.n-s hap)n-n to I'm •!«• (i., 1 .-hall havu at
'•ruary.— Obliged to give mv landlady notice. Host least aa much. I>:irling Knu:i. ' when I think that at thi-
rd uctant to lea comfortable rooms, central position, precise moment two hours ago — I am certain of the time.
and moderate rent but no help for it. Just heard that because I glanced at the dock as we wen- leaving th.- >np|ier
local authorities are changing the numbering. Mine is to r-.m. and it couldn't hare been more than live minutes later
be No. 9 in future, instead of 52. Nine, according to that 1 My the way, 1 wonder if I pro|»>sed in th-
Chart, is my unlucky number — so of course, as a matter of planetary hour? Refer to Chart. . . . What have I done? My
ordinary prudence, must clear out at OIKV. foolishly neglecting to consult table In-forehand. I 've .
Marat,- Tiring work hunting for lodgings. Thought 1 the very worst hour for any purpose! My time for woning,
had found the very thing, when I happened to notice onlv it seems, is 8 P.M. Awkward doing it just as we
just in time that front of house was painted Pompeian red, down to dinner, but! suppose those old Chaldean 1
my unlucky colour. Deuced narrow escape ! Got rooms at dim-dearly. What am I to do now ? Can't po-sibly e\
but — dear, and dirty, and landlady looks as if she drank, the poor girl and myself to lifelong misery ! Write and a-k
However, curtains and furniture in sitting-room bright green her to consider proposal as never having been mad say I
which is my lucky colour and the number is 17, so I was will call to-morrow at 8 P.M. and explain reasons. Then 1
slurp enough to secure them for a year. Can't think how
people can get on without a Pocket tJateat.
April. Should like to find some regular occupation — at
least till anything happens to dear old Uncle QOLDEOOOL
Hear of vacancy in leading Insurance Office. Old POBTLE-
can propose all over again and put things right
Poor dear old Uncle — so it was serious after all! Sorry
I couldn't be with him at the hut, but useless t<> tlv iii
the face of Chaldean astrology. I 'in sure he must Lave
understood how it was. I wonder how much but 1 never
This will I-C
Arre a director of the Company— any nominee of his ini« mercenary — let me think only of mv loss.
she had a prettier
bound to get the berth. Always been uncommonly friendly something to tell ETHEL this evening. I mu-t buy an
to me. Why not look him up and ask him to use his engagement riutr to take with me. Wish "
„ engagement
influence? Must consult Bpedfll Chart as to my " best hour lucky stone than sardonyx.
for paving visits and asking favours." Find it is from 1 to Jiilii. Omt aaka BflDB. out !
9 . II rt*^ • " m •
Have called thru- li s
Chaldean astrologeraaoem to have been a rather uncon- always at planetary hour -and she 's never been at h. >m,
can't possibly be mistaken not
nuil lot of old .lohnnies still, hang it all, they must I suppose a I'oeket Mnteot
know best!_ Got to Prince's Gate a little after one' in the the fw. net edition, anyhow— still, there it M .' And .-he
morning. Butler long time in opening door. Shown into hasn't answered my letters either except to return them
library with fire out. Old POSTI.ETHW.UTE appearing, after unopened.
Aitgutt.— German lottery turned np trumps after all.
an interval, in dressing-gown— having apparently been to
him, and explain object of call. Sorry to disturb him, but
this positively the only time I rouJd pay him a vi-it. l> ft
him comparatively calm, and fancy that, after sleeping on it,
he will aee that 1 m just the man for the post.
May.— Singularly enough, some other fellow got the Ix-rth.
Can't understand it, as Chart indi.-ated 1 A.M. as my planetary
hour. But perhaps it wasn't "'-' n '-'
. - __ "_ r^Il J : ' i • IlLJlllllllll.^.lllllilll.
bed. Hopes 1 nm not the bearer of any bad news. Henssure A'm-ir it would ! 1-etler informing me that I 've won a pri/e
i.:.'
of a hundred marks! Regulations peculiar, though. The
hundred marks paid in tickets for next drawing, provided I
send another il.'i by return otherwise the whole lot forf.
Worst of it is that I haven't a psychological hour for
proposals till day after tomorrow !
, --T. — Uncle GOLDBOOEB'S will in morning pa|ier.
. ,.- , -"laity -w,.rn at £250,000 ratber more than I expected
Really splendid offer by four „ clock post Secretaryship -will dated immediately before his death don't seem to
*Cta d salary ; eeyeral old pals ««• »»./ name nnywli. lue left in e.pial dun
i. Now
tl
Peeling very, very low and depraved. It
only that th World contains announcement of
• - -' ' -••• '».'/ name anywhere residue left in equal shares
working for me on o,mmitt.-e UK-rely to say the word, and Home for I, t h ,-s and Home of I.
I may consider thing a.- Still, it never does to bet-., what ,-..„/,/ have in.ln,-.-d him to make such a will as thif
ut«> in business matu-ra. .See what Pocket Maaeol
ndviars. Thrre now, just shows how necessary caution
Special Chart distinctly says: "Proposals of new work KIIIKI -
to Mi Mil ICY. That's bad enough but
.
iucb amve in the hours . f bar Md fiv« Mtut be aim thing ha, hap|. •,„•,! to mil I realTy
Wtoto to decline; better give no reasons they wouldn't know /,„„• I ',„ to ^.t i|ir,,,lirh th.- rest of the rear /''
- ••
n i. ml • ;.
don't
IV /„
F. A.
.1 \\r\HY I'O, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
43
VIVE LA RUSS1KV
Un cafe du Boulevard. M. Di'RAND,
M. buHMT, c/ M. DUBOIS ciitrent.
Dubols. Muttons-nous la, a 1'abri du
cou rant d'air. Qu'est-ce quo vous
prenez, DUHAND? Quelquechose de
russe, du vodki? Toujours russophile ?
Vive la Russie! liein ?
Dii/Hint. Kh bit-n, que dites-vous des
affaires au Japon ?
Durand. Ah ca ! Sont-ils embetants,
ces Japonais !
Diiboia. Et cependant, mon cher, vous
(|ni etes toujours 1'ami des peuples
hero'iques, vous devez etre 1'ami des
Japonaifi.
Durand. Jamais de la vie ! Vive la
nation amie et alliee !
Dubois. Y compris les Finlandais, les
Polonais, les Ciiinois, et les autres ?
Durand. Vous vous moquez toujours
de la politique russe. C'est un grand
I «• 1 1 pie.
Dubois. Lequel? Le peuple finlan-
dais ?
Durand. Ah, bah ! Vos Finlandais !
Je m'en fiche. Ce sont des reVoltes,
des revolutionnaires.
Dubois. En effet, ils pourraient deve-
nir des republicans tout tranquilles,
conime vous et moi.
Dupont. Qui est done ce grand
peuple ?
Durand. Mais les Russes, naturelle-
ment. Quel pays, quel peuple, quelle
litterature ! Figurez-vous MAXIM
GORKY —
Dupont. Qu'est-ce que c'est que ca?
Encore une liqueur russe ?
Durand. Et TOLSTOI !
Dupont. J'en ai entendu parler. C'est
un ecrivain polonais, n'est-ce pas ?
Dubois. On finlandais.
Durand. C'est le plus grand ecrivain
du monde.
Dubois. Vous avez lu tout ce qu'il a
ccrit? Qa ne finit jamais. C'est
ennuyant a n'y pas croire. La Guerre
i-i In Paix, vous avez hi tout ca ? Et
Anna Karenine?
Durand. C'est un chef-d'oeuvre.
Dubois. Parfaitement. Mais 1'avez-
vous lu ?
Durand. Je 1'ai commence1. C'est
sujx-rbe.
Dubois. Mais vous ne 1'avez pas fini.
Je 1'aurais parie\ Tons ses livres sont
intrnninables. On dirait des steppes.
Dupont. Eh bien, je suis a peu pres
de I'nvis de DURAND. Seulement j'espere
que nous autres Francais —
Dubois. Que nous n'allons pas nous
battre. Ah, pour stir! Et cependant,
si les Anglais
Durand. Les Anglais? Mais ca ne
les regard e pas.
Dubois. Mais si. Voila une impasse
presque ridicule ! Les Anglais et les
Francais sont a present si bons amis.
EXTREME MEASURES.
Mother. "If I CATCH YOC CHASING THOSE HENS AGAIN, I'LL WASH YOUR FACE EVERY DAr
NEXT WBBK!"
Serons-nous forces d'attaquer 1'He de
Wight, ou de voir la flotte anglaise a
Cherbourg, pour fairel plaisir a ces
Asiatiques, qui se coupent la gorge dans
1' Extreme-Orient? Sont-ils des Asia-
tiques, vos chers amis! Grattez le
Russe et vous trouvez — le civilisateur de
la Finlande. Quelle jolie facon de com-
mencer le nouvel an ! Et tout ca
apres avoir installe ces vieux bons-
hommes a La Haye pour nous empecher
de nous battre.
Dupont. C'est bien vrai ce que vous
dites la. •
Durand. En effet, je n'avais pas
pense a ca.
Dubois. Et puis, pendant que nous
autres Anglais et Fran^ais sommes aux
prises, ^tant toujours bons amis, les
Allernands, qu'est-ce qu'ila vont faire ?
Croyez-vous que ces milliers d'hommes
resteront planted Ih, tout paisiblement ?
Durand. Je n'avais pas pens6 & 53
non plus.
Dubois. Eh bien, pensez-y. Et en
meme temps vendez vos rentes russes,
si vous en avez.
Durand. Comment? Mes 4%, qui
sont de'ja en baisse ?
Dubois. Mais oui. Si la guerre
eclate, croyez-vous que vos chers amis
lee Russes, toujours a sec, auront un
seul kopek a gaspiller en payant votre
petit revenu ?
Dupont. DUBOIS a raison, mon cher
DURAND. Etes- vous toujours du meme
avis ? Vive la Russie, hein ?
Durand. Ah non ! La guerre partout,
meme chez nous ; les Allemands a
Nancy, peut-etre a Fontaiuebleau ; des
impots encore plus effroyables ; mea
4% perdus ? Mille fois non ! Je crie
de tout mon cceur—
Dubois. Vive la Russie ?
Durand. Non, je vous dis. Vive la
Paix ! [Ils sortent.
Parsifal at Bayreuth.
Mr. Punch desires to contradict the
assertion, recently made in his pages,
that the performances of Parsifal at
Bayreuth are a source of financial profit
to Frau WAGNER. Frau WAGNER, he is
assured, makes no personal profit what-
ever out of the Bayreuth Festival.
To her therefore he offers his best
apologies.
ITN •; THK I \i\r.\\
. IDOL
"OUCH'S SYMPOSIA.
w« *• %
Seen -
ta»d Jf r. Mb* Tfc* be
--: It ha* beat >ud tbat tfce
• -
wfcn M !>»«*. if I BMT be I taam i* 4iu*« of ike «u b)«ci . bat 1 am
--,1W
1 com* tW Open, aw OUri« JTcnm. OB bclMif of
- .
__ ^ - ^^^^^ ^ Ji*»
JAXTHT
20,
1904.]
PUNCH,
OR
THE
LOXI'
CHARTS'
ARL
45
the tag of the Sahara will fly from the
Atlantic to the Bed Sea," bat we are
not told who wffl be chasing h.
If war breaks oat, the odium will rest
with Japan. The Glut win be blame-
less. He has begged the Japanese in
the sacred cause of Pence to give way to
him, but Japan has refused.
Ignorance of etiquette sometimes has
awkward results. It transpired at the
Middlesex Sessions that, when a police
officer takes a prisoner from one place
to «nptli«*- by train, it is the custom far
the police officer, on reaching his
destination, to alight first, and far the
prisoner to inflow him. Owing to inex-
perience a first offender, in these
circumstances, went out by the door on
the other side of the carriage, and it took
eighteen months to recapture him.
Four hundred and ninety-eight Boers
who had declined to accept the terms of
peace are now on their wav back to
South Africa. Mr. DELJLKET harangued
them for five hours at Ahmed nagar, and
intimated that he would continue unless
thev took the oath. Thev took the oath.
Blackbirds are said to be causing great
trouble to the farmers. A proposal that
policemen shall be placed at the most
dangerous spots is under consideration.
A Belgian farant has just published
a pamphlet drawing attention to the
extreme danger, from a sanitary [point
of view, of the custom of shaking hands,
especially with such persons as surgeons,
nurses, hairdressers, sausage - makers,
and tripe-merchants. In the case of the
tripe-merchants it is even said to be
safer to kiss them.
" Joeite " writes to point out that a
huge business in skates is done in
Xorway and Iceland, while the trade in
these articles in England is in a notori-
ously depressed state, and asks whether
it is not a fact that the countries he first
mentions enjoy Protection.
At the request of Mr. B.UJWR the
Canadian Minister for War recently
attended a meeting of our Committee
of Imperial Defence. AYe understand
that the Colonial Minister is now con-
vinced that we did right in not risking
a conflict with the United State-
the Alaskan difficulty.
NEEDLESS ALARM.
/?<-. '-THE FELIAH UTTULT mmKiTKSKr. TO wow HY
<S3k*. "On, HOW «ru> HE* Or ores* UK *
o.
M. KOPIX. the new President of the
International Society of Arti--
proving himself a not unworthy sue-
to the late Mr. \Ynisri.n:. Asked
what he thought of the position of
English art at the present day. he
replied, "The exhibition at Burlington
House is unsurpassed anywhere, and 1 Curiously, the Colonel's intended wife
was also delighted with the Wattne may Iv said to be already a Marohande.
Collection." There are no pictures by She is the widow of the former pro-
living English artists at either of these prietor of the Nagatiiu rf* Loncrr,
galleries. _
There is, hy-the-by, an expression. King KIWVKP has proae.ntod to the
•' A ROPIX pickle." Ivoyal United Service Institution Uw>
Suite umbrellas used iu Court .vro-
A< a proof of the thoroughness of monials by the la to King l\>mcK HUH!
the t-ntentt between Franco and Great the «x-Kug PMBOB. That his MAJRTY
Britain, it is announced that Colonel should have parted with ihosv in the
M.UJCH.CVP, of Fashwla fame, intends to present \v\\ither rondora the gift all the
marry and settle down, more gnu-ions.
0 fender (i* tin eonrM of Ingthy eiptamatiom). "So I st» To TUB biKKcrok A8 I WKU, A8 Ton MIGHT SAT, ILL, AX' waiAM'W r.. UK
W DOCTOS JOMS. All1 TinriMMBroa '« 818 A8 (OW I *V*T SEC DoCTOS SMITH. THE PoUCg DOCTOI. ' No,' 1 SW, ' TOU MAT RDI
HE I*,' I S0, 'SOT TOO ADt'T OOI»' TO MAKE MX OU3IOB MT MtMCAL APTHtt ! ' " '
TO HIS MAECENAS.
(By a Brummagem Horace.)
PACTS, my Joasrm •», in your fiscal fray.
And from Imperial cares take holiday ;
Quit for one night the crowded platform's glare,
And breathe beneath my roof a purer air ;
In short, Josotms, hearken to my plea,
And. greatly condescending, dine with me.
Expect no luxuries, no dainties rare,
in 1 offer you Imperial fare.
• ( — boron, by Canadian farmers bred
(Canadian •>» know, is bounty-fed).
Then shall you feast on true Australian meat,
.1 from its tin retreat
" Home and Colonial fare ; " this truth you teach,
Mine it shall be to practise what you preach.
With tin* high i in i » 1 1 ill- shall all accord :
A little loaf shall dtvk my modest board
: it be said that wh.-n tliat board you mace,
jam, no pickles there shull find a i>U ••
..issive silver on the cloth fthall gleam,
plates at present more appropriate Mem.
Hut Bacchus too his genial aid shall lend,
And here again my choice you must
You 'd aeon " the foaming grape of Southern France,"
At hock or sherry you would look askance ;
i{on therefore of Australia's best
icmths in bottle) shall await my guest,
when the sacred hour is come that claims
Hurnt offerings and sacrificial flames,
When— hunger gratified and thirst allayed—
Digestion calk) tobacco to her
vou, since I know you love the weed,
..id.- rigar- they're guaranteed.
SIDELIGHTS FROM THE FRONT.
(From a Special Corrttpondent)
THE situation looks like war. It looks so much like war
ili;it tln-y ;ire often taken for each other.
It is 'almost impossible to over-estimate the gravity of
the situation. But I am doing my best.
A high official, who Btands close to the CZAR, and does
not wish to stand any closer, made a significant observation
to me this evening. " \\ '«• >li;ill know more by and liv. "
were liis remarkable words. Tlii-y are being widi-ly <iuiiti-d.
There is no news to-< I ay. Hut byre-writing my despatchei
..f yesterday, taking < are to transpose the words Tokio and
'••tersburg, you will have a column of gixxl, new.-.y inatt.'i-
for the Halfj*nny Ili-iidlinf.
Despatches from Rio de Janeiro, saying that the CZAR
and the Emperor of JAPAN are planning tin An-tic voyage
r, are to be received with caution.
"Qii- Ci-miHKr. Ac.?" — Under the accusing title 'A
Judge and Drink," the Cheltenham I'lu-miii-l,' states that
WII.UAM URANTIIAN has recovered from his indi^j
ti<m." Tin- paragraph proceeds further, but few will have
the heart to read beyond thin point.
DEFICIENT LOGIC. -"A Louvain Professor" is (}n< r
The Tablet as having said of the late HKRIIF.RT SI-KNVUC,
was not an original thinker, but ho thought In- v
not SPEXCER'S own estimate of himself Buflic i<
establish the fact of his having been " an original think, r ?
F
Another "White Slave."
IB SALE (wren mile* from Muchrater), Good Plain Cook.
Ad*, in " Is'trrrter haily Post."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON* CHARIVARI. JAM ARY iV
THE MODERN TARQUIN.
MB. J-SSE C-LL-XGS.
DHAJHTIS Pntsosi.
Tarqitinna S*perina '. '. RIGHT HOX. J-S-PH CH-itB-RL-K.
Fir* Pappy-Head . . . DUKE OF D-V-XSH-RE.
HgTMaciL Xort. — Aa envoy W*B wot to T*«<jnsics asking what shook] bs done with those who refused to join the League.
TAWJCTXITS, who was walking in his garden when the messenger arrived, made no replr, bat kept striking off the heads of the tallest
poppies with his stick.
JANUAKY 20, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
49
Jolin
THE CRITIC OFF THE HEARTH.
.••/ nl lln' dun-irk Theatre to HH':' >v»(«.)
. . . Mr. AUTHI-R BOOCHIER. Tlir Fu'n-ij 1',-iii,- . . . Mr. A. li. \\~AI.KI.ET.
THE property clm-k in the corner
struck twelve as JOHN AIJTIII K I'KERY-
iii XGI.E BoutcHiKK, the Actor-Manager,
sat down by his fireside. It' the con-
vulsive little Haymaker at the tup <>l the
clock had been armed with the sharpe-t
of scythes, and had cut at every stroke
into the Actor-Manager 'a pockets, he
never could have made him feel so
uncomfortable as had the author whose
cause he had so generously espoused,
but whose latest work was now on the
eve of production at the Haymarket. It
was the Haymaker on the clock that had
reminded him of this. Haymaker with
scythe being HENRY Ai Tin R JOXK.S, with
his cutting remarks on the cl<x-k, tin-
clock being, of course, the Time*.
It was a heart, was the Manager-
Actor's, so full of love for his own
profession, so bound up and held together
by innumerable threads of laudatory
remembrance spun from acknowledg-
ments of his own histrionic merits and
many qualities of popularity, it was a
heart with a head which, when the latter
had been lost, would guide him, weak in
right, and wrong in writing, into diffi-
culties. Yet quick to perceive where he
had made a false move in forbidding his
Theatre to the Critic, he would cherish
neither passion nor revenge, and would
only pray that once again the Critic-
would return to his desolate Garrick
hearth, and the Times cease to ignore
poor JOHN ARTHUR PEERYBUNGI.E BOUR-
CHIER'S existence.
fi & 0 0
( 'lasping his hands before his face,
JOHN PEERYBIWLE found relief in tears.
The Critic off the Hearth came out,
\Valkleying, into the room, and stood
in fairy shape before him.
" I like your playing," said the Voice
at this critical moment, " and I say so.
Ila^ve said so."
"Have said so!" cried PEERYBUNGLE.
" True ! "
" This was a happy theatre, ARTHUR
PEERYBUNGLE," the Voice went on, "until
HENRY AUTHUR —
"JoNE?," groaned PEERYBUNGLE,
wearily.
The Voice ceased.
And while the Actor-Manager, with
his head upon his hands, continued
to sit meditatively in his chair, the
Presence stood beside him ; suggesting
such reflections that made him regret
his actions in the past and dread their
consequences in the future. There were
sounds of gaiety outside, and a great
piece, also by HENRY AUTHUR JONES,
was coming over the Haymarket. There
the staring figures of the night's
receipts turned upon him, one and
all, and seemed to say, " Is this the
HKNRY AITIIIR who is no longer with
von (
More than once in the long, thought-
fid night, the fairies showed him the
figure of (he 7'imc.s- Critic seated in his
stall with calm face, unwinking eyes,
\\ rite what you like, sit where you
like! only come and see our show!
good, kind, charitable gentleman ! Let
.IONKS be byjones. J mean bygones!
Forget and forgive! (Ion I Times
come again once more ! l''orgi-i . . . ."
Then all wa-i hushed.
Penitent Arthur Bcmrchier (Jolm Peerybungle) implores the Good Times' Critic Walkley
not to desert him but to return to the Hearth at the Garrick Theatre.
" Come back ! Come Lack !
and rigid demeanour, suddenly un-
bending, smiling, laughing, nay, ap-
plauding ! Then the vision changed,
and the Actor-Manager saw — who was
that? — yes, himself, reading a news-
paper, with rapturous delight, aloud to
his wife and friends, all blessing the
name of WALKLEY !
"And this," said the Voice, "might
have been ! "
The Actor-Manager fell on his knees
with hands extended.
" And shall be," cried JOHN ARTHUR
PEERYBUNGLE. " Come back ! Come
back ! Return to your first nights !
Return to your first nights ! "
He rose up when it was broad day,
washed ana brushed himself, took
down his exemplar of polite epistolary
communication, a grammar, and a
dictionary of quotations (in case of an
inspiration), and indited a letter, a
copy of which appeared in the Times
and other papers of Jan. 14th, signed
" ARTHUR BOURCHIER," with, beneath it,
"A. B. WALKLEY'S" gracious reply.
0 0 0 0
All 's well that ends well. As Tiny
Tim says to Terrible Times, " Bless us
all ! " And so, let us hope they will
live happily ever after.
VIA. ii OR Till-: LONDON < II \i:l\ \i;i.
JO\ un it'. 1904.
r Stu-
EMOLLJESTS 1 "K Mil I te?
: t.. talk Ilk.' the
A
MM|;I; CHAT AT
/;,
III.
•'
1'imis. secreUry •
-wovovd at
•Uring at oor of th.- Irttera be has just
omsicid Mr. WATTLE eaten and •>.
ISTO* with expectation.
Well. ywTSo— rather! Biggest
• • . \ . •
Mr. W. Out with it,
, you may proceed.
itraordinary
play l'\
him.
virgin s.
youngster. I
It '• fabulous.
It 'a a letur < >n such thing* sent me yet
be?— « letter from HOT SCBWAHOAU,
to the Emperor WILLIAM. !!•
gay. : " Majerty thTGerma,
command* me to lay that if Mr. Rnmra lenuy
WATTLE ia in Potsdam on Tuesday,
January 5, Hia Majesty will be happy
to entertain Mr. WATIU at luncheon.
H PAKI. s. we grow glorious.
P. It would Mem ar>.
. •
\V *ri
Vr II. Mo! Say. that's a good one.
.1
till).-
••fore
tin-
good t!
er time This
Ami let me
o employ
fiiruitila?
me,
re the beat Mrs. CAT has
Some of her chap* hut
we, where ahall I
Vr. W. PAtToir, thia ia $00 good to
K" ; .
P. Your own honours you may be
excused for concealing ; but for such a
ibined tribute to self and nation
then is only one treatment
Mr. W. And that is ?
/'. Publicity.
Mr. \\'. gb. We must
look into this thing. The bag's got
several boles, but there 's only one right
one to let the cat out of.
P. One of Mrs. CAT'S young men is
to see you, Sir. Perhaps he
Mr. W. What 'a his line?
PABTON turn* over the pages of a little
book and then reads, "SrAXBDPE, PHILIP
.Vr. U'. Form ! That don't mean any-
thing. Must be a misprint. Well, ahow
him in— and, PABTOX !
/'. Y.*. -
Mr W. Guesslllfeel freer to tackle
him alone. No TlffftTHT
II.. lll.lttT.
Mr. WATTLE'S manner becomes vio-
indifTcrent as he hands to
Mr.
CHAT8WOBTEL
of " \\Hnlit irilli U un/*
worth," "Harm fnim Uurmmnirth,"
,tr.)
(The Uco U reported to Uare laid to a
noliceman, who would hare kfj)t tbr < rowrl at .1
long diatance from Hi* MAJESTT and tin- oilier
Cha««rorth oawti>. "0 ' 1-t >m all come ' an '.
M« the •port/']
DtnUKO one of the rehearsals of Mr
LEO TBEVOU'~ i>lay. a sempstress, who
was engaged in stitching together two
of the back cloths, had the misfortune
to slip from the slepladder oil which
she was standing, and fall heavily.
"What ho, she bumps !" exclaimed the
DUKE, and, reassured and sustained 1>>
the good humour which these tim.-K
words aroused, the sempstress, who was
I •» i ii i_ :«i.
bimwlf, half aloud, and then says un-
Oh, the usual way. Write
'ily tmhurt, iveumed her work with
SrAXBore the Kni|»'P'r WIIJ.IAM'S inviu>- unabate<l diligence.
.nd asks: How shall 1 answer An odd incident occurred during ""•
.if the big shoots. On rounding a
Mr. STAKHOPE runs it through half t.. ,,,nit,r in ,&, three-thousand-acre spiu-
i.y His MAJESTT and fellow-guests *u<l-
.;• nly came upon an elderly beater
droasod, although it was a sharp morn-
ing, in a complete suit of cold-beater's
slun. Directly he saw Mr. BALFOLB,
who was walking with the guns and
... munching a biscuit, the mail cric<l out
have scruples, Sir, Kveal g^ in a loud yoice ..Your
food will cost you more." " Bahny on
the free crumpet," was the DUKE'S Ian >n ic
comment, as he significantly tapped the
massive frontal development for which
tlu> CAVENDISHES are so famous.
At lunch on the same day the conver-
sation turned on the idiosyncrasies of
unj,
to the Secretary, in the third person.
Mr. \\ . But shall 1 accept?
Mr. > Why. 1 think I should, if you
can conveniently be in Berlin at that
time.
Mr. W.
-. : mil -
.Vr. >'. (*miliny). Overcome them.
.Vr. U . Young man, I was brought
up to despise monarchs.
Mr. >'. Ven- well, then, dech'ne.
.Vr. U". But as this invitation is indi-
rectly a compliment to the country "f
which I have tin- honour to be a citizen.
P. Very well
PAirpjf'd exit is
immediately by . the
•' • .
entrance
a]|
•' Hi
perhaps a new and higher duty calls
upon me to accept.
Mr. S. Why on earth do you call it a
compliment 'f
Mr.W. Whv?. .. Why?.. . Well.
..f all the cheek !
Mr. S. I mean this sort of thinjtr is an
old story now. The Emperor WILLIAM
has a captain of industry to lunch with
him every day, and when he can't get a
captain IP- 11 put up with a lieutenant.
Mr. \\'. Not even- day? Surely not
day? 1 never saw that in
canfuDy— dressed, and who looks like
a man who has the habit of trying not
to smile.
Mr. W. Morning, Mr. STAKBOIT..
What's your line?
a<mAop. May I rrfro*)
by looking at Mrs. <'n - littli
anile
8TA1OOK, who" is plainly — not very the ]mpers.
Mr. S. Of course not. Americans are
too retiring to let |»iijile know when
lunch with royalty; and the
KMIIJIOR only puts it in the ( iernian
papers when : his
Mr. WATTLE, wbuee face has become
more and more ausU-re while Mr. STAK-
I have it. .V
appears to be Form. Dress, <!
•upper after the theatre, lore-making—
that sort of thing, don't you know ?
Mr. W. Invitations- answers to?
Mr. 8. Precisely.
•
Mr a question or t
the guests in regard to the way in
which they liked to be helped to the
huge baron of beef which, in accordance
with the practice prevailing among the
upper ten, invariably graces the board
on these occasions. After everyone hail
expressed his or her opinion, appeal was
made to the host to state his predilec-
tion. "0, just a little bit off the top,"
was the cheery response of the great
IVrbyshire magnate.
Golf, as is well known, formed a
prominent feature in the pastimes of
the Chatsworth week. But none of the
press representatives recorded the in-
teresting fact that the I'i KK renamed
all the principal hazards on the course
in honour of the occasion, the most
formidable hunker l>ein^ christened
"Joe." When, therefore, Mr. Buiou;
carried the hazard with a fine tee shot.
the DUD exclaimed with cxtraordinarv
HOPE has been speaking, now says with readiness, " Well played, B.\ijt>rH. (Hail
dignity: I/*>k here, young man, you to see you're 'not for .loi this time.'
may be all right in the home market. This happy revival of a mid Victorian
lmt for the export trade I'm afraid your jest BO convulsed |!i -. the
calibre's a little small. When I need famous professional, who was partnering
'•• •• • • • i1 • , •' ,• ! e !.,,] IQ beeoried home
for you. Good-day. in a Swedish oven.
.1 \M-ARY 20, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
51
UJ 5
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DC
D.
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O H
PUNCH, HI: TIIK LONDON . H\I;I\ \i;i
AKY 20. 1904.
•I the l.rv.ikf
tort of • flood cona&efl'
For rxarn;
• '• • - '
Finally «!..
the Royal gw
. . .
rii
•
f " i
•
:,::.-.-. <
the ffav
A PR<
[A wrilrr m the fi^aUg,** M, ,
MM upon binurlf u> fix UM» order of pre-
eedone* of the mod imppruoi citie* of the
tLn> ViigHnaM Be MUM the firat place
to London, baring clearly oreriooked the
daj»g of • crmia burgh in the kingdom of
0' a' the haven heard by me—
An' harere I 're heard mony—
I doot this last appears to be
A boot the wont o' ony ;
An' when I read yon feckless loon
It puts me on my mettle
To see a place like Lunnon toon
Set up aboon Kingskettle.
What '» Lunnon ? Fog that fills y.uir
lungs,
An' air re canna swallow,
An' people speakin' in sic tongues
A body canna follow.
F.li ! sic an awtfent an they hum
\Vh.-n whiilf they have attei
While here the vera weest bairn
Is easy comprehendi*!.
It 's no a hame like place at a' ;
It's fu' •/ nniee an' worry,
An' naeone kens nor cares wha's wha,
An' a' is hurry-scurry.
Ye '11 wanner up an' doon the street
. Through myriads o' men.
An' never ken a soul ye meet,
Or meet a soul ye ken
How different in bonny Fife !
Here fouks are mairr rs;
A man 'a a man an' life is life
Amang the canny Fifers.
But pit ymir heid oouide the door
About the prospects o' a war,
Tariffs or education.
•Tin 3DLT "i
•• T<Ht titnt <i point powr etlui ipt't fait
atU
iter IoctT-«ii yrarn. the ("lulhai.
her hosbejxt • *haro • kuow prixe-
•. .-rnniciit di»-s in,t
M. r.-U UvatlW
cannot lie
disposed of in an iii-t.nit. i- ni
fnlliiwil Illtellige.
•
is .iitim.ili-d his intention !••
\ K\\VM
dernin -upt IK blow up thf
Houses of Parliament, the sentence to
be coiiniiuti .1 ti> ••;,. i servitude
for lifi-. An intimation »f tin- reprieve
has been forwarded to t • iry of
the extensively nig •» pl.i. • i
before the Ktxo at the time of the
prisoner's convict r
The Seer. t.iry for Scotland has or-
dered a strict i n.|Hiry into the alleged
massacre at Qlencoe.
Mr. BWDUCK, having encountered a
report of the severe rule maintained in
India by Mr. WARHEX Hxsmos, has for-
warded a note to that gentleman inform-
ing him that unless the rigour of his
government be mitigated the Secretary
for India will be unable to continue
Mr. HASTINGS in his position.
Mr. ALFRED LYITKI.THS lias intimated
inhabitants of Boston in Anu-rii-a
his intention to recomnwnil tin- iinnn-
diate repeal of the obnoxious duty on tea.
The Public Prosecutor has rev
instructions U> take proceedings a>£uii*t
is of tin- South Sea Com] Kin y.
i>'i;xK has issued an onlrr
reprinanding Admiral Sir I-'UVM is DRAKE
: duly in con-
tinuing to play \K, \\-\n aft.-r tl>
fleet had come in .-L-lit.
I/,rd i>f the Ailininilty aihls. however,
• is unalile to refr.iin from con-
gratulating the Admiral on the result
of his operations when once they
put in haiul.
0. P. GOSSIP
IT is rumoured that among the
* engaged to appear at t!.
inauguration performanc vt nv'«
Imperial Theatre will !»• Madame SiHAU
Things bein' aae, a Fif. -Inr- man
Matin ave bp, willy ml
Mair highly educated than
Tbae fule« o' Pkcadillv
S«« I wad a,k von
Oia he derides to settle
That Lunnon is the fbmnaiat toon,
Whanr will he |»t K
The efforts made by " walking I
and gentlemen to i if. . t an ailcquate
recognition of their .-I.LIM- m the p.,
fession has assumed il.iii.it.. sha]»>
The Theatrical Su|>cnii Asao-
early date of Mr. BE*XAH> Siuw - M-, ,
and Superman. It is rumoured that
! the Marquis of AXOLEBEY will tak
The plea put forward liy the V
llalii.-s that the licence f.,r .V.i'/.iiin'
S/n-rri/ allows only for OOOSUmptton " off
•eini.-Mij" is Ix-in^' i.p]ki.s<-i| with
the utmost xi^our l-y the la.
r.|> it that Mr. TREE refi.
ii tiie 8.UI11- play, on the ground
that gi«»l wine mvds no lui-h, is wholly
without foundation.
k
HKKAKI A>l TAlil.i:
acJtnoirM'jmfiilK to tin I'
FOR THE BOARD 01
TlIK di-tanre from Ignition to Dnlham
live is .Si mile-i. and i- liy the
lightning expressea of tin- Ixnidon and
Slai-kham Itailway in eighty - ei^ht
minutes, the principal stoppages Li-mi;
between the stations. State wln-tln-r
more im|>ortant results are likely to flow
from electrifying the line or from
electrocuting the Directors ?
FOR THE BAXK CLERK.
If, instead of waiting for a bus at the
Marble Arch, you decide to walk along
the Edgware Road and it begins t<> rain.
how many buses going the other way
will pass you before you are caught up
by a bus with a vacant seat inside ?
INDUSTRIAL AJIEXII
If a British workman can lay 500
bricks in eight hours, how long will it
take him to heave half a brick at a total
stranger ?
MuiIKMUICU. ClIICKKr.
If Mr. P. K. WAIIXHI Mi.red -111 in a
Match. 21 in a match against •
fifteen of liendigo, and ,'J8 against
eight»-eii of Woollooinooloo, how many
will he make against twenty-two of the
Never Never country ?
Ax EASY Oxi: KOR Hm SEKKEPERM.
If a herring and a half cost three
half|x'iice, what is tli.' Itillingsgate value
of a good-sized cachalot '!
SlMPl.lcllV II-
A stockbroker walking to Brighton at
the rate of 3 miles 47 yards an hour,
starts from Westminster Bridge at
' ;-"' AM. At C..7 A.M. a stockbroker
walking from Hriditon to Loin!
the rate of '2 miles 3 furlongs and
ds an hour, le.n.--, the I'.n ili,,n.
The d :>iditon to London
and i \|i,.,
walking '.',1 minutes the first stockbroker
contracts a stitch, which reduces his
-|«-.-d liy II JXT cent. After walking
an hour the see.md stockbroker tak.'s a
pick me up. which ac.-eli -rates hin pace
one third for the first eight minutes,
fourth for the second four and a
half minute*, and li-avcs it where it was
afterwards. At what ]»>int on th.
will t!
JAM AUV 20, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
53
HIGHWAYS AND BYWAYS.
XXVIII. 'I'm; ANIMAL-!/)\ Kits.
AM. the afternoon the sun
has hung a blood-red ball in
a sky of leaden grey. Lower
and lower it has sunk over
the houses, until now it has
diffused itself over the western
sky in a faint red glow.
The- lamps are already alight
in the little side-street, and
shine steadily in the half
light ; u small boy on a
bicycle zig-zags unstably
i|n\vii the middle of the road ;
a group of vague undefined
figures stand conversing out-
side one of the houses.
I pass on down the street
towards the warm glow of a
diminutive oil-shop at the
further end, faced at the other
i-onier by a little shanty with
dirty windows purporting, in
i-hiny white letters, to be
" Th ; Ideal Laundry : Gents'
shirts and collars dressed and
got up equal to new." I
cross towards this unique
establishment and survey the
window show, consisting of a
stiff and ircinaculately white
collar on the one side, con-
trasted on the other with a
disreputable strip of Ihxp
linen that has apparently
been rescued from a street
light. Pinned to the cur-
tains behind is a picture of an immodest
infant, delivering itself with a smirk
of the outspoken statement : —
ALL MY CLOTHES ABE AT
THE IDEAL LAUNDRY
WHERE YOURS OUGHT TO BE.
I do my best to swallow this indig-
nity, taking so long over it that a
towsled lady with a flat-iron appears at
the curtain and regards me through it
with undisguised suspicion. As I turn
away I become conscious of a low
sobbing sound proceeding from the
i it her side of the road.
Leaning sideways against the door-
way of the illuminated oil-shop, his
frame shaken from time to tune by a
smothered sob, is a man of ruffianly
aspect in a dirty muffler. One arm
supports him against the door-post,
while with the sleeve of the other he
wipes the tears from a stubbly cheek.
A plump tabby kitten with arched back
rubs itself sympathetically between his
open legs.
As 1 approach, an unrestrained fit of
sobbing bursts from the figure ; I stop
short, loth to intrude upon his grief,
and glance into the shop, seeking in
vain some clue to his trouble. An oil-
UNHAPPY THOUGHT.
Literary Man. " WELL, GOOD-BYE, OLD MAN. I 'VE GOT TO oo ur HEBE
TO BE SHAVED."
His Friend. " SHAVED ! WHY, rr 'a A PICTURE SHOP ! "
Literary Man. " YES, AND A BARBER'S. I SHALL PROBABLY OOME our,
LIKE MY WORK, ILI.CSTRATED WITH OUTS ! "
lamp hanging from the ceiling gleams
luridly in the centre of the deserted
shop ; at the back a red-curtained glass
door stands half open, affording a par-
tial view of a woman
things in the firelight.
busy with tea-
Distressfully conscious that I am in the
presence of some deep hidden tragedy I
turn, with the intention of departing
as quietly as possible. At the move-
ment he raises his head, and ceasing
his sobs for a moment surveys me with
dimmed eyes. Then he speaks :
"Pore til bloomin' kitten lost 'isself
an' can't find 'is bloomin' 'ome, pore
lil blighter."
I must admit that for a moment I
am at a loss what to do or say. The
kitten continues to rub itself against
his lees. I pull mvself together and
feel for my handkerchief.
" Starvin'
wiping the
an cold,"
tears from
lio observes,
his cheek. —
" Got a sop o' bread on yer ? "
A long and fruitless search in my
pockets convinces him that I have not.
I express my regret, explaining that I
left home in a hurry to-day.
" I'm a lovervanimals," he remarks.
" Ever since I left my wife I've bin a
lovervanimals."
length
I stoop hastily and stroke
the kitten.
" My wife's conduct," he
explains, "in smiuninisin' me
fer 'ittin of 'er dest roved my
belief in 'uman nachur. I'm
a lovervaniinal .
I admit the discretion of
this transfer of affection.
" They never summons you,"
I remark sympathetically.
" They're faithful dumb
creechurs," he observes.
I congratulate him on his
choice of adjectives.
" I shall 'dopt the pore little
blighter," he informs me.
"1 shall take 'im 'ome. It
ain't a pallis, but it's cleau
an' respectable."
I stoop and reassure the
kitten upon these points. My
companion's tears have alto-
gether ceased, and he is
wreathed in smiles.
" Com 'ere yer bloomin'
little blue-eyed blighter," he
exclaims, stooping and snap-
ping his fingers. The kitten
approaches him sideways with
arched back.
The animal-lover secures
its back in a clumsy grasp,
and lifts it from the ground.
The kitten raises a loud yell
of pain.
"Orl right," exclaims the
animal - lover, holding the
vituperative animal at arm's
the air and surveying it re-
proachfully. " Wot 's the matter with
yer ? Can't yer see I 'm adoptin' of
yer? Chuck it, d'y'ear? "
The kitten's language is becoming a
disgrace to the neighbourhood. At last
the animal-lover withdraws his arm
and places his proteg6 under his coat,
where it remains perforce struggling
hard and cursing under its breath.
" You 're a nice little blighter, you
are," observes its guardian indulgently.
— " Don't 'arf lay 'is tongue to it, do 'e ? "
" Now then," breaks in a voice from
behind us, — " when you 've finished."
We face round in surprise. Standing
in the doorway of the oil-shop is a
woman of formidable build nursing a
baby. She looks squarely at my com-
panion.
" When you 've finished," she repeals.
The animal-lover, without relaxing
his grasp of the kitten, surveys her for
a moment in silence.
" I 'm a lovervanimals," he observes.
" What are yer doin' ter that kitten ? "
demands the lady.
")I 'm takin' of it 'ome," he replies.
" It/s cold an' starvin'."
", Takin' it 'ome, are yer?" demands
the lady indignantly.
1TNCH. n|; TMK l,'>M>n\ CHARIVARI.
Jm M:I :'". I'.KM.
"Croolty an' negle. •
It i.
,<rd'
I cannot !.• lp thinking thin a -—_
forward mnark on the ludy'a part,
mpanioo aenna to ahan
Ul an' sun in' " be
•
jost put ii l<iwn ! '
.r kitten ! " exclaims the animal-
. • •
•«, you jest put it down," replies
animal-lover Btarea at her for u
ut coropb
• If tin-
argument. • wot 'a it
doin' oalM
The Lidy shifts the baby to
one ami.
"Jest pat mv kitten down,"
she commands formidably.
The animal-lover regards her
for a moment, then lowers the
kitten, which, loud-voiced and
with uplifted tail, retreat*
hastily past ita owner into the
shop. The lady replaces the
baby in ita former position,
and surveys her opponent
sideways with triumphantly
c-omprw*ed lips.
iiiterferin'
with other people's animals,"
- . • -.-,.
s the kitten doin'
lands my com-
panion. "That's wot I
wanter know. You must
in ill Iri-utiu' of it."
"There 'II be Home ill-treat-
in' in a minute." remarks the
lady, nicking the baby with de-
termination. " I i-.in'M!
begin* the move away fmn my slum I'll hi.
I quirk. Both "f
pallia—
• •• lady. I suddenly all unpleasant
the danger of
m
illloii edges .
little from the chop, and I folio'
So as to be ready to Kick him up
mi orf with yer ' " coiiimand-
IvloiidK " 1 '••imn' 'ere interferin'
with my kiltei > nrf with
• tin- nutter." rcm.irk.-
iii|>anion. watching the lady warily.
" ter I he > •\tanima|s.
1
r Me-.ilm' ! " suddenly exclaims a
voice fnim the road. "That's what
it ' '
I turn and recognise tin- lady of the
l.iundrv. She still h"l>i
Bab. "Coiuw'T I
BJM • D ml
BE THE MllTHEB KtXLTIMUl, IXSTE1D OF ALWAYS
(KOrnftiUy*. " How COCLD TOO BB THB MoTKBt WHEN TOC
1. ,T I I I Bl 9 *'
ward. 'You corl me a medical stoo-
dent V " he demand-;
'•'K's the ring-leader," cries the
laundress. |«.inting to me. " 'im in the
Ihiwler'at They 're vivid that's
what the)
" ( Mi the white-livered cm
the enlightened oil-shop lady. M
st'»deiit, ' I've 'eard o' tlleir il
I >li the white-livered cu:
"You corl me a medical stoodeiit V "
•;traccd animal - I..VIT.
1 in a w.irkin' man, 1 am. an' I
my livin'."
An we cam our livin' ! " cries the
oil -shop lady. " And 'ave ter work 'an I
for it ! We don't want no medical -too-
dent-
1 h. !.-T\e that | J, . earn
my living. And not very
easily either in I hoe hard
" I wi.-h." . my
compliiiiiiii bitterly. " I wish '/
Hid. 1 wi-h /
'ad the 'ittin' of \n."
the oil-
shop lady furiously, shifting
her baby to her left arm and
making a dash at him. " »/</„
'it nir .' Take that, yer wh'itc-
livered cur ! "
'"Ooyer'ittin'of?" wl,
my i-ompanioii, shielding his
head and retreating hastily.
.'•••'•
H.- is interrupted by a
rain of blows from h,
sailant, who, with the baby
tucked under one arm, has
followed him into the mid He
'f the road.
" I II teach yer ter come
viviscctin' my' cat
scream- "Take that. \,-r
tike! Take
HAVEX'T GOT A ur?
• BBBjaj I :
r some neglect," says the flat-iron, which with her bare arms gives
1 1 11 * * ft * O.
I 11
A 11 f* i • »_- i ^ -f anjaaaag uvrirf J •
lady, still rocking the baby, "if yer
don't move away from my shop."
The animal lover tarns to me.
"Thin." he observes solemnlv, "U
. ,
fer the Serciety Preventin' Croolty
Tanunala. This is matter fer tli'
Inspector."
ips you 're the Inspector ? " BUR-
geata the lady, sarcastically.
The animal-lover regards her with
dignity.
apa I am." he observes. "An
p'raps I'm not. Any'ow I 've got my
ere on you. - Make a note o' the number,
OBrried away by my interest in
the situation, f arnbble'on my >.hirt
ruff.
i-riea the lad v, shift in c
her baby to one arm again. " \\ you don't
A ' this point my pi;
wctator is cut short in (In-
most painfully unexi
manner by a blow on the back of the
neck with a flat-iron.
" We'll teach Y> mis a strident
by my ear, " we '11 "—(thump !)
-" teach ver "
I have no desire for further tuition
0 • o «
In barely twenty seconds' time I stand
breathless at the top of the Street, look-
ing hack ii|>on the distance. All i- ijuiet .
• utly mv^ companion has drawn'
_.._.„ _.^,.v ««• the pursuit. The flow has disamv ire I
fc^S-aP-J^T '•--»•' [-n ,he skv. and „,„ ,,„«,. ga's'laii'ip!
ink m the darkness. I/mg thoughtful
shadows lie u|»n the road, deepeniu.'
towanls the houses. I1,.,,.,. r,.ju,ls
her a more formidable appearance than
I altogether care for.
"Comin* "ere." explains the oil-shop
lady indignantly, rocking her baby,
"tryin1 ter make orf with my kitten
111 soon shew 'em the w
The Ideal Laundress approaches
It's a
conviction.
in the bowler
ahe
,
at,
declares with
Lhe taller one, 'im
'angin' about our
i no gi.Nl. ltrs a ...
"Allow |.|a,n ."._M....
'Don't you talk ter me' , ,
<l|ir>iii>
Ideal Laundre-s. turning swiftly ou me.
eard all ,r sort ' You're
medical Ht<- ,t''s wh.n
^iT"* l't" "'"•7 "', <:"mi>:"'i"" " '" two or thm- dan after takin-
Pry „„„!,. He poih*. hi- wav f..,. v,,,,r pills, my w,' l\ ;^nn~
No Permanent Harm Done
JANUARY 27, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
55
CHARIVARIA.
THE announcement that the Duke of
DEVONSHIRE has sold his baths at Buxton
has foolishly given rise to a rumour that
his Grace intends to become a Labour
Leader.
The dangers of the dinner-table be-
come more and more alarming. Accord- ;
ing to the Express, it is the custom of
certain English firms " to ship American
hogs to Ireland, and then tranship
them to London, and place the bacon •
and ham on sale as Irish meat. The
same thing VMS done, said the American
Minister of Agriculture, with horses."
The Municipal Milk movement has
received a check from the district
auditors, who have surcharged the
Battersea Town Council with its expen-
diture in this field. A proposal has
now been made to extend the powers of
the Water Board, so that it may become
a Milk and Water Board.
The Lord Chamberlain has objected
to a play being called The White Slaves
of London, on the ground that " there
are no slaves in London." But what of
the dramatists, who work under this
kind of mediaeval bondage ?
The Daily Graphic has published the
portraits of two young German giants,
ADOLF and FRIEDRICH SCHNEIDER. Their
girth is enormous, and it is stated that
Mr. JOHN TRUNDLEY of Peckham has
become a follower of Mr. CHAMBERLAIN.
According to the Pall Mall Gazette,
Lord CARRINOTON has issued a circular
to his tenants containing a number
of pertinent questions on the Fiscal
Problem. The last question is a verit-
able poser. It is: — "If imable to do
these things at once, how long would it
be, in your opinion, before we should
reach this desirable state of things?
Yes, or no?"
Last week's Gazette announced the
resignation of Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN, M.P.
Mr. O'BRIEN has not resigned since 1895.
It is denied that the new play at the
Savoy, The Love Birds, is to have a
political colouring, with all the Liberal
leaders in the title role.
We understand that the chief difficulty
which prevents Russia from giving way
in the present dispute is the fear that,
if she now carries out her promises as
regards Manchuria, a dangerous prece-
dent will be created.
" 'WARE
"HALLO, JACK! WHAT'S up?"
WIRE!"
" DON' KNOW. I 'u NOT ! "
no war. If this be true, it can only
have one meaning: Japan and Russia
are in ignorance of the fact that the
Daily Mail has gone to the expense of
preparing a special map of the scene of
the conflict.
An annoying state of affairs prevails
at Berlin, according to Dalziel. The
KAISER and his son do not see i to i.
The KAISER, instead of being deified,
is being defied. As a result the CROWN
PRINCE has been placed under arrest.
" Germany first in the world ! " cried
Count VON BULOW mysteriously the
other day, in a speech which, so far as
we can make out, had nothing to do
with brutality to soldiers.
We are pleased to hear that a gold
medal has been awarded to Dr. JCLIUS
HANN for his services to the science of
meteorology. We consider that too
much cannot be done for those whose
profession brings them into even
closer contact than ourselves with the
weather.
It is persistently rumoured in some i There is great excitement in the
quarters that, after all, there is to be | animal world. Last week a cow wrecked
a train near Chester, and a sheep upset
sixty waggons between Festiniog and
Portmadoc. As a consequence of this
proof of their power, animals all over
the kingdom are reported to be becom-
ing truculent, but there is still no con-
firmation of the rumour that on the
25th instant a butterfly barked at a
Guardsman.
A SONG OF REAL DIFFICULTY.
I KNOW how WARNER'S team will fare,
What weather Lent will bring,
The way of worms beneath the soil,
Of condors on the wing :
But one hiatus iu my lore
I cannot yet make good :
What kind of wood would a woodchuck
chuck,
If a woodchuck could chuck wood.
I know the mystery of tides,
The height of Captain KIDD,
Why JUNIUS wore an Iron Mask,
Where each medallion's hid :
But one strange problem hitherto
My onslaught has withstood :
What kind of wood would a woodchuck
chuck,
If a woodchuck could chuck wood.
VOL. CXXVI.
STUDIES OF BLIGHTED LIVES.
:
Wor» U* Ror.1 I«« •«»««»
ol U» M.nr (or U» Hiffhrr
v iiu i! .IIKK
m» Awm i* .»x»t
Ih» Grown. IHMMt. on U»
KiMkof Per
THE Uw» th»t tmit ..f right* and wmngs
••• not grentlv wh.. compote*;
I somsooe dw may !-• 1» r Mono :—
- • .-hi; , .•••:.• ' . ; ' . •
: can't recall woo said it
Ful!
•.'.itildn'l earn the f 'lit.
Bow sadly changed the prospect Beems
Fn.ni what beguiled my early summers,
Passed in the haunt of port*' dreams,
The breeding hive of brainy hummers !'
0 age of unrecorded feats !
How fair the hope* our boyhood built on
meant in time to n«> like KEAT«,
Or hare an organ-mouth like MILTOS !
What bard has erer rightly -
The thoughta that made our bosoms swell i p.
When not the biceps, but the lung
Was what we panted to develop !
When. careJeaa though our fame was mute
• •1's athletic p.*
We Id diir swift ambitions shoot
Down purely literary channels.
Spurning the mdr barbarian s|*>rt
Tlmt makes the modern youth's diversion.
We found our leisure nil t<x> short
For Wom>wi >BTH'S nobly-planned Kxeurrion;
'.ing scenes of vulgar mirtli.
We tnxl the trick of linnfrtl'* treasons,
We dived with I)\NTK under earth.
We strolled with THOMSON round the Season*.
So. when I reached a riper
And recognised my vocal mission,
And found my glorious her
Wrapped up with Fngland s bcvt tradition,
I had a pawion all along.
Deep in my inmost vitals rooted,
To keep intact tin- «. 11 of song
Which C'HAU-KB left us un]xilliitod.
• vhle«H »t tiim-f. through want of thought,
I burned the dim nocturnal t.i|«-r;
At timf* my liniin wan overwniught
With M-rviiig on ;i dail-
Hut oft I wxired with SI»JJK\ - lark
Through tin* adjacent i-mpynMii,
And spent tin- day till .ift.-r dark
I .nutting (Hie ro:ilinnoiiK ]uran.
•i, vain employ ! Tlie common ruck,
That raves of lUsJi. Tn H. <.r VAI .
How ruuld it have the taste to | '
The precious blooms that prank mv Garden ?
What hope for horny-hand«i churls
That seem to take a wanton pleasure
In overlooking obvious peur
While hunting disc* of dubious " tmisur,
• " Wbal is mon gmlb tUa a wind in
Wkat is nor* •oo&iag than uw pmtr
That iur> OM axnsnt m so opw 6ow«r
Aad bnaw eaMruy (ran bower to bwwr T "-Ktm.
Not for myself 1 mourn .vi much.
For though my private larynx varies
1 j, ... ui constant touch
With Kngland'n roll of pu:
That legacy, the "Higher Kind"
To wfiicfi a laureate owes his billet
Though lavish.-.! on the deaf and blind,
'..-ct can wholly kill it !
I urn something more than bird.
I ..in the nation's seer and mystic.
Ordained to lift the humble herd
(Torts largely altruistic :
And if I cannot move the mob
And leave them rather less benighted,
Why. th.-n 1 wore a futile blob.
And must regard my life as blighted.
0. S.
KIXT.NT (•MU.AI'SK OF TJIK DOME OF ST. 1'ATL'S.
(An " Intrlligfiit Anl'flpation")
IT now appears that the catastrophe to the Dome was not
caused by any subsidence of the foundations, but that some
re of the Hidden Treasure serial in lli'jli
Thinkiii-i, l>eing under an impression that a disc entitling
the fortunate tinder to fifteen thousand farthings had I ..... n
concealed in the masonry of the Whispering (iallery, ein-
plm-e<l cordite cartridges in the hope of dislodging the spoil.
Onr Beprwentathre called yesterday on the proprietor oi
Hi'lh Thinking, who courteously consented to state his views.
.is 'follows: " It is a regrettable incident, of course, but 1
should hardly think any of our readers will go quite HI far
another time. In any case, we cannot be held liable for mis-
calculations they may make in following our 'clues.' I have
taken ( 'OUIIM Ts opinion on that jniint. We' were most careful
'to warn our readers that the money was not placed inside any
building, or even immediately near it. As a matter of fact,
the building indicated was wrf St. Paul's at all, but a sacred
edifice ofe\eniuore ancient and historic associations. We
i-ould si-arcely be expected to foresee that any treasure hunter
would resort to an explosive of such high jxiwer. It is really
marvellous what things some people will do for money. But,
is I re. we admit no legal responsibility whate\cr.
<>ur aim has always been to awake the dormant intelligence
..f the Public and' teach them to use their brains. Yes. the
collapse of the llome is a magnificent advertisement for
Hi<jh Thinking the circulation lias been . l>y leaps
and bounds ever since."
A NF.W oPKNINd FOR ACToI.'S
Mr i 'iMvnn-1 <i».'- Kjieech went from the (iuildhall to llir L,1
Mill ami tin1 People'* Palncp. where it WIB repeatP'l t<
• v "iraini-: iiiemben» of ilie theatrical |
WANTF.M. First -class ('<. ..... dian to repeat T. P.'s populai
le, lure. " Pet-].s at Parliament," to overflow audiences
in the Pro\inc0S.
H.\MATI«' At'Tol.1. ills,.- .n hearof gcxMl opening
in the ' •••partmciit " of the
movement. Must ha\e starred with Wn.so\ BARRETT'H <
N.. other need apply.
'ANTI-HI, strong, abh?-bodied, fear-no-foe-in-shining-
aniiour orators, to repeat in Birmingham Town I'
Mr. LLOTD-GEORT.I .nidr
on Free Tirade, lv». l.'i-form, Ac., Ac. Must i
premiums.
r\
•^
w
THE SAU: SEASOS.— Notice outside the London shop of an
alien immigrant :
Nh >ow nx.
JANUARY 27, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
57
JANUARY 27, 1904.]
PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
59
FISCAL LETTERS.
(Being Mr. Punch's Guide to the writing of them.)
No. I.
To the Editor of (any paper will do, but the " Times "
preferred.)
SIR,— May I crave a small amount of your space in order
to point out to your correspondent, H. A. DEWTHAIR, that the
igures he cites to prove the prosperity of the country are
entirely misleading ? He takes iron and steel f.o.b., c.o.d.,
'i.e., and by the simple process of adding corn, coal and
timber (planks, not logs— the distinction is important), and
then multiplying the result by the square root of foreign
dairy produce, less the usual percentage for butter and
cheese consumed in transitu, he produces the startling figure
of £99,000,000 7s. 2\d. But he has utterly failed to take
into account the figures of the glass-eye industry as shown
in the Blue Book at page 15,645. Even before these were
published, it was well known to all who took an interest in
the question that, owing to the prevalence of cheap sand in
the northern parts of Africa, our glass-eye manufacturers
were being driven out of the markets of the world. Now,
it seems, we are losing the home-market as well. In the year
1902-3 only 679 native eyes were sold, as against 1,141 in
the year 1872-3. What does Mr. DEWTHAIR say to this?
Is he going to take it lying down? Or will he add his
weight to those who are endeavouring to cement the Empire
together by the steel bonds of preferential tariffs ? Let him
consider ere it be too late. Yours, &c., JAMES JOBSON.
No. II. (Answer to above).
gm> — Sir JAMES JOBSON has endeavoured to impugn the
accuracy of the very striking figures I laid before your
readers. How has he done this? Not by proving that I
erred even by so much as a halfpenny in my calculations
(which must therefore, I take it, be accepted henceforth as
sound), but by bringing forward the case of glass eyes. Sir
JAMES points to the state of that industry, which he appears
to think has been ruined by the importation of cheap African
eyes. What he wants, no doubt, is a heavy duty. I beg to
ask him, first, what he proposes to do about the drawback,
and in what category he means to place the semi-finished
eye imported in bond and left to be worked up by English
labour ? Then again he must remember that the finished
article of one industry is the raw material for others. To
Sir JAMES a glass eye is a glass eye. To a one-eyed man it
is the raw material by which alone he can carry on success-
fully such industries as (1) associating on equal terms with
his fellow men ; (2) making love. Finally I beg to protest
once more against the scandalous way in which the year
1872-3 is brought against us. Everybody knows, even if
Sir JAMES does not, that it was affected by the Franco-
German war and cannot therefore count. Taking the usual
quinquennial periods we are steadily increasing our output
even of glass eyes. What our manufacturers require is
enterprise and skill, not protection. For instance, what is
the use of sending a consignment of pale blue eyes to the
South of Italy ? You may ask me who did this ? I reply,
Sir JAMES JOBSON. Yours, &c. H. A. DEWTHAIR.
The letters that continue this correspondence grow gradu-
ally more and more animated and recriminatory, until in his
last letter Sir JAMES JOBSON insinuates that his opponent is
" no gentleman and a very ignorant one at that," to which
Mr. DEWTHAIR retorts that Sir JAMES has feathered his nest
by a long career of sweating, and has a brother, deceased,
who was convicted of bribery in a municipal election. The
controversy is then transferred to the Law Courts.
In the next example Mr. Punch endeavours to fuse into
one those two Tariffian protagonists, Sir H-NRY H-W-HTH and
AN AL FRESCO LUNCH AT THE ZOO.
Neglected Visitor. "'AvE YOU FOHOOT ALL ABOUT us, WAITER?"
Teutonic Waiter. " AOH NO ! Yon TAB ZE TWO ' COLD LAMBS.' "
Mr. J-M-S L-SLIE W-NKL-N. He has tried to combine the
profound learning of the one with the glittering humour of
the other, while preserving the verve and violence of both,
and avoiding the extreme length of Sir H-NRY.
No. III.
SIR, — Events are now eventuating precisely as I ventured
to predict they would when I addressed you last week and
showed how a good man, for we were entitled at that time
to consider him a good man, as he had not yet given in his
adhesion to the malevolent designs of an abandoned and
disappointed time-serving lawyer, may in spite of those who
call out to him, as I have endeavoured to do, be dragged at
the heels of those who are not and never have been any
better than what they ought. I want to ask the Duke o:
DEVONSHIRE a plain question, to which I trust — I say, I trust
though that trust has hitherto been basely abused by those
who, to gain their private ends, have shipwrecked the
Empire, thrown a great party on its beam-ends, and seri-
ously annoyed Mr. BALFOUR, whose duties at this time are
so important that common prudence should warn us not to
add by even a straw (and straw comes from corn) to his
many troubles — he will answer as plainly as it is put. Let
him come to Bradford. He '11 find me there ready for him
day or night, rain or shine. We Yorkshiremen are a hard
headed lot, and I '11 engage to give the Duke of DEVONSHIRE
or, for the matter of that, Mr. Cox, two stone and a beating
over any course they like to name. We must of course feec
on Quaker Oats and wear wool next our skin. That is wheri
the true remedy will be found. Yours faithfully,
H. H.
I. L. W.
THK
r|[ MMV.MM.
»KV i'7. 1904.
AMONG THE IMMORTALS AT THE BURLINGTON.
. .. MM •
g it. with tin
disposal lhi«
.
instrument which be evidently intends to secure for his
own delectation on the MTV fir*t opportunity. This picture
i aptly IK- presented, with Dr. HIHCH'K compliinen'
...II k IV'VH Hollll-."
II. Tim piclur- -li.'Wn wh.it .1 MTV queer sort of idea
" CI:I\KU.I had of "Si ' Th« |).tititer represents
mportsnt point* in thesbow is pniiumlv intendi-d him as a Hurt of IHTO .( comic "|>era, holding in I.
I serve as a gentlr rrmi: -uch as"lun>- barber'* pole whii-h he lias been lining as a lance
Compare thin with a model in wax for a statuette on same
miliji-ot iCawe.l . \ .. 1 . and you will see what :i E
and I>rayon can be when they likr.
I,»-t n- say at once that all the Ixiwrences an- simply
delightful. " />!<'.'/ //-inn'//.. , ' II bvcly; " ' '"iintftt of
Isitrim mid 7*m<//i/«-r harming, and KO perfivtlv
natural as to present the strongest possible contra
"Mr*. Angertttin and Child," a melancholy self-conacknu
muplt'. treated in Mmiiiwry fa-liiou as to continue, though
they are represented as walking out iu very doubtful weather
bj tha - id • i mm
"46. Spirited picture, n-presenting " Mr*. Mmjnirr " in her
heroic act of preventing a hig dog from eating little Annii i:
FrrzJAMra by grasping the topjaw of its open mouth. Sir
whc
to certain i
• will »Tve M > Mil
bow there and -
1 A IV'.a t.y MjDaJMG THOMPSON.
IWrt. "/forJty and iraodrd tawfe-a,.
huJMUBHiMl." Absolut.- freedom (
otnung which necessary nuismir. « recently
bean writing to the Tmv* -.«• the pictnr>
Ctawi* Mtinottt uk«. And the •pecUtar, who inav
in sympathy with the figure* in the foreground, will answer,
to the vi«?.
Portroil of a L*dy," of the Early French or Flemish
School. We are not informed how early the school was,
nor whether it was an infant or day school. She in a
pretty lady, with an artistically arranged coif. Probably
repmseiiting a Mistress, or. to put it noon correctly, a female
•~L.u_ . •, . __k~.i u. — L ••
teacher, in either school If you ssk. "Where sre her pupils?"
of a Gentleman. \ y FUUICOD CLOCET,
we leave
" '
at
H.r! .: || :; II .-. '
that.
for it
tins
•act
is the ope and only "Portrait of a himself in order to take this portrait, must ever remain one
it within the fire Galleries of of the mysteries of Art to the delighted spectator.
11 •* Pst«t/.«.'» y»/ X/M. rs^Ai *' c:. fr.... . _u
Probably unprecedented. There
sre two or three single ladies represented in this exhibition,
likewise " A Man," 40 ; and if age be indicated by number,
the "
64. " Portrait of
Sir THOMAS shows her as a
very determined-looking but dashing style of lady: of a
. certain age 'tis true, " with," evidently, '"' a past," yet still
in is decidedly eligible, though otherwise not good ! with a roguish eye, so expressive of her being "c<ipa>
to pair with "A Isidy" at present hanging out at tout," that the descriptive title of the portrait might trulv In-
No- £ Hard and Ftut."
Also there is " A Spanish Gentleman " (JfAX BArnm DEL- We will pause for a moment in Gallery No. HI., before
MASO created him), who might possibly be paired off for a PARMEOIANO'S "Portrait of an Italian hi,!,/." With her
coranto with " A Lady " by llKMBKAimr. but for the fact that pallid face, strained attitude, and fearfully pained expression
the lady M 77, and the " Spanish fltntlrman " is 83, and so ! of countenance, she might have sat for her portrait as
their dancing days are over.
There is. too, a " Young A/an," 32 (he doesn't look it).
'• with hand on skull " (not his own, but the skull of some-
body else, defunct), who may probably be an amateur playing
Hamlet, or giving a phrenological lecture, or a University
man of the period explaining the use of the skulls, boat-
racing, and bumps. But, as has been noticed above, as
worthy of remark, No. 7 u the one and only " Portrait of a
Otvtltman," whose artistic qualification for these Galleries is
that he look* as if he deserves to be hung.
" Lady Beading." There is no mention or allusion to
" Lord Beading," so we may suppose the title extinct. The
unter of it is unknown, but he was "MA." in the great
emish School.
27. "Lond*eapt with Fiyvret," by QnMion. Done
probably when his mother gave very young Master GBOBOT
Jn a shilling box of paints just to keep him out of mischief.
" Three Children flaying Mutit " (by Fra Bino-
MMD). Never was titular description more misleading.
The one thing correct in it is that there an three chiMn-n
They have " noddings on," and. wherever their shamefully
neglectful parents and guardians may be, these infanta are
Uy seated on the base of a atone pedestal, such
yon may see in Trafalgar Square, for example, in a
of nudity that ought to, and it is to be hoped will,
the attention of the police. The central infant has
himself of a late and is playing at playing it,
:~n in mischief, on his right, is pretending.
to bold a i --'-' --• ' '
"sufferin" lady," or "Maria piccola" of Signor BARIIIK'.-
ercentric creation.
Our time is limited, and regretfully \ve muM liid adieu to
our most approved good Masters. Fortunate i.- the visitor
who can pay several visits, or who is able to pass on to
Galleries IV. and V., and thence to the bronzes.
FBOM AN EAKMEBT STODEKT or AXCIEST HISTOBT.— SIR,— Can
vou inform me who was "Episodes?" Was he a Greek
Philosopher? Did he, as other philosophers did, keep a
school, weekly or monthly ? My immediate reason for asking
is because I see in the advertisement of the National Review
an article on "Episodes of the Month." I confess this
philosopher's name, though not unfamiliar, is somewhat new
to yours truly, SCHOLIAST.
NEW Trara 101 DtAjCAu AT His MAJESTY'S.— As The Darling
of thf Godt has caught on, it will probably he f, ,11, ,«-,-,! l.v 7V
Pet of the. Pit, The Fanr,, „/ th, Nf,,//,. The I'hnrmn- ,'f tin-
Upper Cirrlrt, and so forth.
while his
•book for him. The other
onhis left, baa his eyes fixed longingly on the
" LITHE Srwxr. A Y.M N MAS'B FAXCT, Ac."- Sewnd young
and inexperienced singing l)irds were deceived l>y the recent
spell of mild weather; Imt the An/,/ Mail is surely old
^'« t know better. Yet it has, with singular ingen'uous-
ness, already flung open its columns to correspondence on
such Spring fancies as Love and Matrimony.
TBT.MAS LAWRDKX, P.I; A
52. How his parents ever came to allow dear little Master
LAMBTO.V, dressed in his best black velvet suit, with verv
JAJCBT. Why "Fkucoa" should call himself " JAKET," | much open collar, to sit out on a stormy day, and to perch
unless be were hopelessly effeminate, U a puzzle. However, himself upon a dangerous height in order to oblige Sir
it st that. This picture, numbered 7, is unique THOMAS LAWRENCE, is a puzzle ; and where Sir THOMAS placed
JANUARY 27, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHARIVAIM.
61
THE DOOM OF BEHEMOTH.
On a reported movement for the extermination
of the Hippopotamus.
WOK unto thee, BEHEMOTH !
Thy victims' cup is full.
Long have they borne thy yoke, and
torn
Their garments and their wool !
Al'ric is roiiKfd ; the vengeful foe
Kneoiupass then about
'I'o lay th' Abominable low,
And wipe the Tyrant out.
>'</»(•/ a f Ilif IliKilmi'H.
" As o'er the placid waters
We ply tlie frail canoe,
BEHEMOTH comes, with bristling gums,
And bites the barque in two.
A thousand times we suffer wrack ;
A thousand times we feel
The horror of his mounting back
Protuberant 'neath the keel."
Song of the Husbandmen.
" Our fields were fat with harvest
Of rich and kindly grain,
But he has made felonious raid,
And havocked thro' the plain ;
Our little children cry for bread,
Our wives for corn to grind ;
The scars of his disastrous tread
Are all he leaves behind."
General Chorus of Insult.
" Does aught of outward favour
Belie his evil fame ?
Squat limbs and short, that scarce
support
His gross, unwieldy frame ;
Ferocious front, beslavered skin,
And reeking gape, afford
Fit index to the Brute within —
BEHEMOTH the Abhorred."
Then woe to thee, BEHEMOTH ; for the
circles round thee close ;
Ruthless and fierce, thou shalt not pierce
the cordon of thy foes.
Go seek thy reedy fastnesses — go walk
the nether mud —
Do as thou wilt to hide thy guilt, they
mean to have thy blood.
Cunning shall nowise aid thee ; every
side disaster lurks ;
Thy leathern mail shall naught avail to
guard thine inner works ;
For thee they bring the "reeking tube"
to perforate thy hide
With iron shard, and hit thee hard with
things that burst inside.
Thy ghastly spouse shall follow, and the
death ye twain shall die
With icy grip shall seize thy Hippopo-
tamunculi !
None shall escape the massacre, save,
haply, one or two
To beg the sons of men for buns, all in
a shameful Zoo ! DuM-Duw.
jr
SO SYMPATHETIC!
Young Yeomanry Officer (airing his exploit* in the late war). "AND AMONG OTHER THINGS,
DON'T YOU KNOW, I HAD A HoRSE SHOT UNDER ME."
Fair Ignoramus. " POOR THING ! WHAT WAS THE MATTER WITH IT ? "
THE THEATRICAL "PAR."
(Of the Future.)
[In two or three of the best West-End
theatres it is regarded as part of the duty of
the attendants in the auditorium to start the
applause .... Sometimes the commissionaires
from outside and the firemen from the stage
are requisitioned for the purpose of augmenting
the effect, their hands being larger and their
arms stronger. — Daily Paper.]
IN spite of the gloomy prognostica-
tions of certain old-fashioned and
Cassandra-like persons, who said that
the Agamemnon of ^EscHYLUS in the
j original Greek would be a " frost " at
the West-End, the revival of this tragedy
i was greeted with tumultuous applause,
and showed how little such persons
know of the resources of a thoroughly
up-to-date management. Though it
might perhaps be said that Miss LOUIE
FREEAR was essaying in the part of
Clytcemnestra a somewhat new line of
business, the contingent of handy men
from Chatham Barracks, who had been
invited to man the front row of the
gallery, greeted her every appearance
with deafening rounds of Kentish fire.
With the overwhelming moral support
thus secured for the company the suc-
cess of the piece was assured ; and if
the verdict of the scattered occupants of
the stalls was not heard it was probably
because they had forgotten their classics.
We understand the various schools of
physical development are being besieged
just now by dramatic critics, who find
it increasingly difficult to follow their
calling without unimpeachable testi-
mony of the abnormal character of their
biceps muscles. Before granting passes
most Managers now require in addition
a declaration by the applicant that he
takes nine and three-quarters in gloves.
'
PUNCH, "K 'IMF- LONDON < ll\i:iv\i;i.
MVMMIV L'7. l'.HI|.
THE WOMAN'S CORNER.
(Conducted bythfi
IT «»Ht.i. \Vonnt SHOD?
.: been much amused by an absurd story t '
listed just now at the.
• ,i that a notice is displayed in the Rmokm,
inembera " not to smoke their pipes when gentle-
...
where in the world have these dear good ladies been
mssjstini all this while? / should have thought it abao-
lutelv impossible that then could in this year of grace be
so grotesques survival of the ridiculous prudery which once
restrained a woman from prod
11
one of the committee of this braighb-d Club ever
i . •:..-•!.-.-•..:. sftl I • IB
r they could hardly be unaware of the
pipe has obtained 'in the mouths of all
tot too much to aay that it is now firmly established
ssential badge ana symbol of up-to-date femininity.
. , _ .: ••• ::. >: I..*.'- 1 n^ siBOl I-- D :• '• Rated 1
h School Miss and the Factory Girl, and even the
hi/»«KLi cigar haa come to be considered distinctly
Of course I do not forget that Lady - VEVTO''
•till faithful to her inseparable Italian weed with a
town the middle -but then dear Lady "VCTTIB"
vnu a little alow to catch up with new ideas; I
to remember that it waa years before she could be
Ml that anything could smoke aa cool as s Malacca
•• i .r:.
thia shape is a little apt
• undoubtedly baa a i
In material, cot, and i
will, aa heretofore, be allo
The Ducheaa of DILWATO
a perfectly fascinating pip
set with ner coronet and
• . . • • •
that pipea thia season are to be bent, not
d at Sundown but Saturday that every
•nan affected the curved stem, and though
tie apt to send the MIKA* up under the
r haa a far smarter appearance.
t, and style generally the widest margin
, be allowed to individual taste and fancy.
LWAtnt haa been aeen motoring lately with
ting pipe in the form of an alabaster vase,
tier in small brilliants. I am
ce seldom smokes, anything
stronger than pot-wmm in this particular pipe.
Another pipe which waa greatly admired was between the
lips of Lady ABCADU CBAVKX, who is, I always maintain,
quite the best piped woman in London ; it waa a charmingly
delicate creation in old Venice glass, festooned with silver
bullion fringe.
Mrs. "Jttxr" TWTSTB waa at Prince's the other day,
puffing a ducky little ivory death's-head with real ruby eyes,
trimmed with black crip* de toie and paiHeUrt. She looked
so sweet, but a little pale, I thought. She tells me she
never smokes any tobacco now but the strongest shag,
for which she paya a quite incredible price per pound.
Misa " CtvnUB " DOTTXU. (whoso mother. Lady NICOTINE'S,
first " Chewing " party the other Tuesday was, I hear, nteh
a success, nearly everyone staying till <•
negrohead, which ahe scrapes fmm the cake herself; ahe
uansed some sensation last Sunday by appearing at Church
Parade with a long cherry-wood pipe with a painted porce-
lain bowl and bright crimson pompon* precisely matching
those in her hat— th* effect waa rather striking, I
not appear to me to suit her complexion.
1 noticed one or two women smoking perfectly plain
French briars, without even an emerald green or old rose
bow to redeem their severity. 1 cannot too strongly con-
demn this as a ' mannish ' sJectation which is not only 1<ut,
but positively svlasr. It is almost aa bad a solecism as to
adopt the male l>illyo»'k hat without .- ..me Mich
adornment as a (••«• Muffed bullfinches <>r u brace of
•Jiould II.-VIT lori/et that by surrendering
thelittle elegances and refinements which are the apparte
i.illibly forfeit tin- rsti-cin an
••li»tild |M> our aim tn»-\.n-t fruin Man.
it,, ill,, r.irv Kwasions when good form Mill rc.|uir.^ th.it
id IK- temporarily jiut away, as fir
vrhil,- da: I Cake-walk, or alti-ndinc 1'ivin.- S-r\ ici-,
]«-case is almost a necessity, unless on*' hap[x>ns to be
;CB Hlllff.
Hiit. nhnuld th« muff bo preferred, |1 must caution my
readers to be careful to knock the red-hot ..-ii out of th,. juj..
•YI consigning it to such a rro'pMrle. t.'nly a few Sun-
day* ago. owing to neglect of this Minpli' |>rc<-aulion. I hail
•;onof seeing a valuable .skunk muff smoulder
iiu under my very pose during the l.itany ! IIP:-
li.i.l :t ii"t IMX-M for Mr. "CoSK\ ' I'.i -~/.\M\ who w;is the lir-t
to perceive that something waa amiss, ami kindly drew my
tho fact, both my hands would have been
severely burnt as well! Since then, needless to say, I [have
stirred out without a pipe-case.
1 was shown some hut week, at BOOFULL'S in Bond 6
which were quite twee; one in touri* noyee velvet with old
Itpld patftmenttrie particularly took my fancy, and another
ly tipping one was of old Italian brocade studded with
imitation turquoises, and edged with pink paste lint;
They are not at all expensive, which is just as well, consider-
ing DOW apt one is when calling to leave one's pipe-case on a
side-table or in a flower-pot. I lost a lovely one in straw-
berry crushed-morocco with ormolu fastenings at Bridge the
other day; I must have dropped it under the table — and,
of course, I have never seen it since.
A pathetic little letter has just reached me from an Anrious
Mother with three daughters, the eldest of whom is t<
out this season. My correspondent complains that her girls
cannot get through the smallest pipe without bein^' utterly
prostrated, and wants to know what she is to do about it .
Certainly, if a g^irl suffers from constitutional weakness
of this kind, she will be very severely handicapped in the
struggle for social success, for no really nice man will take
the trouble to notice a debutante nowadays, unless she. is
prepared to join him in a quiet pipe after meals. ]<ut, after
all. much of this girlish prejudice against pipes is pun-lv
fanciful, and can be overcome by a little perseverance. Does
"Anxious Mother's" Governess smoke? If not, I should
irly nooOBDeod that she be dismissed, and a person
engaged in her place more in touch with modem rap
inents, and able to impart an accomplishment that is of
infinitely more social importance than foreign languages or
the iiiano. Ix>t her in*i«t on her daughters praeti>iu^ daily
iiurchwardens, until they are proficient enough, if i.
enjoy the sensation, at least to control its effects. Otherwise,
I am afraid, they can never expect any real success in
Society. F. A.
HIE Dnily Trlegraph, describing the overflow meet ing in
iMiildhall Yard. say.-, ".lust before four o'doek ... Mr
CIUMBEKHIS, accompanied by the hon. secretari. s ,,f the
demonstration waving tmall I 'nimi ,/„, , /,i./i,>.
appeared on the platform." No greater test dd I..-
be unlimited enthusiasm by which Mr. ( 'IMMIIKIII
audiences are expected to be carried away on t
|than the bM* t|,;(t ,[„. /,,,;/,, T.-l,;,,-,,,^ did ,,..t think it w-rth
ploy italics in its report of th. al.
••"inrlr informs us that ang day last week
bkased a pen. Noteworthv; as a rule II, ,
H 'hneas bleaaes the she- ]
JANUARY 27, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
C3
COUNSEL TO CORRE-
SPONDENTS.
By the Expert Wrinkler.
THE CHOICE OF NOTE-PAPKR.
A GENTLEMAN, it has lieen
shrewdly said, is known by
his correspondence. It is im-
]x>ssible to overrate the im-
portance of having good
note - paper and envelopes.
Whether or not one writes
a good legible hand is imma-
terial; but there nmst be no
relaxation of effort towards
acquiring a sound variety of
cream-laid note. At the head
of the paper should be one's
address neatly stamped, also
telegraphic address and
nearest station. The colour
in which the stamping is
done is a matter of taste, but
the most toney people, I have
noticed, affect either black or
plain relief. On the other
hand, Lord , from whose
hospitable Castle I brought
away by inadvertence some
few quires of note-paper, and
envelopes to match, has chosen
a chaste blue ink. The best
hosts invariably place a liberal
allowance of writing necessi-
ties in their guests' rooms.
The shape of note-paper is not less
important than its quality. The best
people often affect very large sheets,
hand-made, gilt-edged, and endowed
with marks of the first water. Again,
there is a Duchess of my acquaintance
who writes in violet ink in an infini-
tesimal hand on infinitesimal sheets of
perfumed paper. She has written me
several letters, which may possibly have
been billets doux, and possibly reminders
of Bridge debts, but being quite unable
to read them I cannot say. I need
hardly add, however, that they are
among my most cherished possessions.
Personally, I write in a large bold hand
on Hieratica, small octavo, a variety of
note which is said to approximate most
nearly to that used by the ancient
Egyptians, who were in their day, as
you are doubtless aware, in the van-
guard of civilisation.
How TO SELECT A PEN.
. The question of pens, though less
vital, is not to be dismissed lightly.
By keeping my eyes open on week-end
visits to various ducal homes, I have
noticed that the geyser pen is steadily
gaining ground, and will soon be in
everybody's mouth. Since my tailor,
however, has so strong an objection to
this invention that he refuses to build
me a special pocket to hold it (such as
once tender the penny.
Otherwise I accept the stamp
in the spirit in which it was
given, and we are the better
friends for it afterwards.
But, of course, so delicate a
game of finesse can be played
only by those who have been
blessed with exquisite tact.
MISTER OR ESQUIRE.
If I have had one letter on
this subject I have had a
hundred. But the matter is
as plain as a pikestaff. All
commoners with incomes of
over £1,000 a year may be
safely addressed as Esquire,
and all tradesmen as Mr.
But I have found that if a
tradesman d»ins you for pay-
ment, you can generally stave
him off a bit by addressing
him as Esquire, or in extreme
cases by adding J.P. In
addressing a letter to a Peer,
neither Mr. nor Escjuire is
required. But in writing to
the son of a Baron it rounds
off the address very nicely, as
thus : " Honble. MARMADUKE
PIANTAOENET, Esquire."
Another point raised by a
correspondent is this — How
should the wife of an officer
be addressed? Should one
the Duke of possesses), and since | write simply Mrs. JENKINS or Mrs.
my man is not sufficiently expert with ; Major-General JENKINS ? I think there
the needle to make a pocket at home, 1 1 can be no doubt that the latter form is
am compelled to adhere to pens of the preferable. But the rank of the officer
old-fashioned type. The best people, I should not be added if it is below that
' TOT, TUT, in BOY !
RETALIATION.
Yon MUST NOT BEAT THAT LITTLE DoO SO.
HAS HE
BITTEN YOU ? " " No, 'E AIN'T. BUT FE 's BIN AU* SWALLEBED MY FABDUf ! '
notice, scatter quills very liberally over
their writing-tables ; but the quill is too
fretful a weapon for me — a simple " J "
pen suits me best, used in a holder
fitted with spaces on which to place the
fingers and thumb. To the steady em-
ployment of the helpful restraint of
this kind of pen I attribute the clear-
ness of my caligraphy.
SHOULD ONE PAY ONE'S HOSTESS FOR
STAMPS?
Although writing necessities are sup-
plied with generosity, it is unusual for
stamps to be added too ; and I am fre-
quently asked by my readers the ques-
tion, Should one pay for stamps which
one obtains from one's hostess down-
stairs ? This is a thorny point, not to
be answered offhand. My own way,
when my man has foolishly forgotten
to pack my stamps, is to watch the face
of my hostess, and also her hand, very
narrowly, although, I need hardly say,
without allowing her to detect the scru-
tiny. If I see the least suspicion of
eagerness in her expression, or any
twitch of her fingers suggesting their
anticipatory closing over a coin, I at
of Major. Certainly one should never
write Mrs. Lieutenant SMITH.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
GOLDEN PLOVER, Bickley. — Wafers are
no longer a sine qud non ; but a good
seal with one's armorial bearings upon it
is a pleasant possession. If you have
no armorial bearings your monogram,
neatly intertwined, with a suitable
motto, is desirable — such as Cave canem
or Ich dien,
CAPTAIN WOODWARD.— Yes, it is better
to remove the signet ring from the
finger before sealing hot wax.
CHATSWORTH. — " Yours faithfully "
ought to meet the case — unless you
really wish to keep up the acquaintance.
JOHANNES TERTIUS. — Kisses are indi-
cated by small crosses at the end of the
letter. Six should be enough, except in
exceptional cases.
THERE is a certain excellent public
association to which neither Mr. CHAMBER-
LAIN nor any one " stumping the coun-
try " could conscientiously belong, and
that is " Our Dumb Friends' League."
PUN( II OR TIIK I.MMM.N ( HVKIVARI.
[JANUARY L'7, 1904.
GLORIOUS UNCERTAINTY.
Scat— At tht Golf Clul.
Skf. " O<wo«n, Mout. WHAT '• ns PBUOLUOIE rot To-nouo*
TV Ha jar. "On. rrran Sumo OB Pcnno, AOXKHSO TO mi Wet ran."
SOME FRESH DEVELOPMENTS OF THE
TREASURE-HUNTING CRAZE.
OWUG to the inadequacy of the return*
from the
£50 medallion •till escape*
An iiiuii**uti*u nvtuiicutc* of ihi*
. . • - • . ' .
been fanned to exploit the
of one thousand •ble-bodiod
Chinese, who will be imparted almost
immediately. It is confidently exi
that a very handsome dividend will thus
be rraliard, aa no atone will I- l.-f-
unturned to enaon success. Already
theahana aivqootedat •
Xeanwhile. it must U-a
native population <
greatly agitated over th* new departure.
and at a maas meeting of
-• . • :
oBUtf-worka. held last Saturday
on OK name strong resolutions
paased to protect against thr k
alien invasion and the
the rights, privileges and enterprise of
the true-born Hritou. The osaembly
was unanimous in favour of Protection
in this instance. A large body of police
has been drafted into the neighbour-
hood in anticipation of disturbance.
The extra charges thus incurred have
bean debited to the local ratepayers,
who are preparing to organise a counter-
;• :•. aatntion.
There has been of late a ateadily-
increaaing demand for truffle-dogs. The
breed is nearly ,,| the supplies
<>f these useful and intelligent auinudx
the New Foreat and certain parts
.ire now quid- d.-pl.'t.-d. The
tble have been trained to
diMinguiah the presence of auriferous
tubea or metal vouchers at a f, •«•
beneath the soil, and consequent K
command sensational prices. Anupt,',
American fin f thjH
canine abortage, hn-
uamed pigs upon the mark.i. Th.-ir
detertive abilitiea are guaranteed, ami a
r.ii>nl and n-inuiHT.itivi- turnover may
i. Th<- Kiiue roiupany also
fiirni>ln's Uiine rlairvnyanU and inctal-
liiiilfrr. \vliu have not yet been COllvieteil
of obUiinitig money under false pretcmvs,
and in. ikes a sjXK'iality of wizards.
dowser^, and exjx'rieneed clue-trackers,
whose senici-i may bo engaged by the
Ot month, ftxeyaw warninteil to
continue a Kearch until the jwtiem-e or
fumls of their employer are exhausted.
The treasure s«-eker's mania has IMI-U
the |ira< tieal joker's opportoiuty. This
ia proved liy the large number of metal
discs recently unearthed, authorising
the tinders to obtain fabulous sums from
the Editors of the '/';'mr.«, tin1 l-'iiniili-inl
. the I-\imili/ llcruld, the ttnUiinii.tt,
:her papers who cannot be i\<
of \vildn-at proclivities. ' A similarly
playful spirit has pervaded the police
' force, who are indiscriminately arrest ing
1 any person caught stooping to tie up a
boot-lace or appearing in public with a
newspaper in his hand. The joke ha-
thence extended to the Bench. Some of
our wittiest stipendiary magistrates have
, been awarding real or suspected luere-
. hunters a few terms of seclusion of quite
a humorous length, such as fifty one days
or nineteen weeks, and the publie at la !•;.'••
have thoroughly entered into the sport.
It has been a great time for Mr. PL-WD-X.
A handy and ingenious case of imple-
ments is now procurable at most iron-
mongers. It contains a pocket pickaxe.
some miniature dynamite cartridges, a
combination compass and sandwich IMM-,
a penny theodolite, a life-preserver for
use against rival hooligans, some
sticking-plaster, an automatic camp-
stool, a machine for calculating horo-
scopes, an acetylene lamp, a set of
cooking utensils, a copy of " The
Path-finder; or, the 'Tracker t
a list of Police Courts and Lunatic
Asylums, and an Insurance policy. The
whole is made up in the form of the
rucksack, popular in Alpine resorts.
A NEW SIDE-DISH.
OR, PREVENTION VERSUS CUBE.
[According to The Daily Paper a «••!!-
known firm of West-End chemUU are making
l up pilU as silver-coated bonbons to be
j handed round on silver dishes imn»
iio entr/e. By this benctii-cnt HUMUS tlu-
unsuspecting gourmand is enabled tin xi
day to applaud his host and hostess for tin-
excellent cookery and perfect wines ..f the
us evening's repast.]
K _da\.-, gone by. when We Were ill,
The nurse knew what to do ;
She gave us sweetstuff with a /<;//,
And so she pulled us through.
Hut when the modern diner eats,
His hostess semis a tray
iver.il pill-, n.iu,,! withthe *!/-,
He blesses her next day !
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.^TA-MJART 27, 1904.
GUILDHALL
THE
DUKE
IS
COMING!
A FAMILY JAR.
PROTECTIONIST Goo. " YAH, YOU OLD DUMPER ! WHAT D'YE SAY TO THAT ? "
FREE TRADE MAGOG. " ALL RIGHT, OLD FOOD-TAXER ! YOU WAIT TILL I GET THE DOOK HERE ! "
.1 \M-ARY 27, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
67
'THE VERY GOOD "-WOOD RACES.
.4 Fancy Picture of the British Turf, 1904 — suggested by a phrase in the most admirable Anti-betting Speech of the Duke of Portland
to the Y.M.C.A. at Mansfield.
" If die Turf was a hotbed of roguery he should have nothing to do with it. Bui it inas really quite the contrary."]
KNOT FOR JOE.
Joseph Entangled is not a good title, but it is a most
amusing comedy. The ingenuity of its construction from
the commencement up to a certain point makes it all the
more puzzling to comprehend why tne author, at the last,
had recourse to that oldest and stagiest of old stagey devices
for either clearing up or causing a difficulty, namely,
listening behind a curtain. This is the disappointing part
of it. If after his brilliant and most amusing First Act and
his carefully written Second (which would be still better
for condensation), HENRY AUTHOR JOKES had only devised an
original surprise for us in the Third, the comedy, as far as
writing and construction go, would have been reckoned as
his very best since he gave us The Liars.
Whatever may be weak in authorship is lost sight of in
the strength of the cast at the Haymarket. With Mr. CYRIL
MAUDE as Sir Joseph Lacy, not a fault can be found. The
smart man, with a gay-doggish reputation, taking himself
seriously as a lover, and ready as a true knight to defend a
lady, whom he has unwittingly and quite accidentally com-
promised, against all comers, is a type of the true plucky
English gentleman which Mr. MAUDE represents easily, without
pose, without affectation, in fact to perfection. THACKERAY
would have loved this character as AUTHOR JONES has drawn
it, and as CYRIL MAUDE plays it. And who better for the
very fascinating, rather feather-headed lady, the tete de
linotte, honest and true wife, than Miss ELLIS JEFFREYS ? My
sincere compliments to Messrs. CYRIL MAUDE and FREDERICK
I HARRISON on the carefully selected cast.
To give the part of the impulsive, thick-headed, hot-
tempered (" shallow pot soon hot ") rude-mannered Hardolph
Mayne to Mr. HERBERT WARING was a happy thought on the
part of author and manager. This character never once wins
the sympathy of the audience; it only arouses their com-
miseration for the strangely-assorted pair. We feel when the
j curtain descends on the restoration of their domestic felicity
— ahem! — that they will not, can not, "live happily ever
T.rvi'ii iilt TIIEIXjXDON CHARIVARI.
.Ux-l MIY L'7.
husband of L^y Joye*
i , __.•«
bright
s&ttsit
;,,.-; :n«i himself tlial '•• •
. .:. -I', • - .". . .': - ..!•-:•*.••• n : friei.d.hi|
••^n/i'
'•'
..or Tofw-W.
_i to the entanglemei
as the butler, and Mr
.... ,- : • w.f- :
. are two of the moat
..--•.-.. - : •• • ' - -' •
As
husband, with a nose for the
and the utmost aversion to an
her worda or actions, Miss 1
weO-earoed reputation as a gen
The two houra occupied by
• more artistic performance, all
play, with the one defect -'— ' '
difficult to find
br a SHU«» IMIU ••!• ¥***~t — • —
vLtamw, which, commencing
QUID i
her
at
Think what it means ! Primeval man was free,
:-.-•• Tils, from many a
I , . .-...-...: - •'.-- :.. Un '••"••• ' :' •
phthisis, neurasthenia,
,.-nd his pule aim-mie daughters
;,. ,.1,,-trie bath* or tank w. •
Therefore 1 K.IV : IWn. down upon .all fours !
i- Miniau sires! Only the stupid 11
Uuu-h wliMii they nee you. Vigour will be yours
\Vheii you h.i' "•'• aipiin U-r<>iii.' quadrupedal.
Thus. ml'. ' biiiUh. if yoii ear- to,
•|-|,. i natural nh<»-ks that Beat is heir to.
ARE BIG MEN DOOMED T
THK Statem-nt r.vently attributed to Prof. - T b'u
that fossil remains "f sharks measuring 840 bet
jean discovered in the myey. -n- formation, has
.tur.uiv created considerable sensation in wientilir ,-r
The editor of the Z>ii/>/ Infuntor accordingly lost no time
ling a representative to wait on the eminent emotf at
Smth Kensington. Professor lUt LAOTOBTER was discovered
in the act of reconstructing the skeleton of a magnificent
taunUctrwm, portions of which had been presented to the
naturedly desisted from his labours when our Representative
in.
*•
theatre aa lore good acting.
THE DESCENT OF M.\
M the ' tour-tooted '
Mthe knew etil. four tinea a day foe twenty
origin of the idea » to be found in the belief
ie. after all. only a comperaUTely norel human
way of walking »»»« tU «dl u.«e by the
L f atienta eoon grow accoatomed to it. and the
a be marrello*."— Maateltnter Oturduui]
"UrUOBT waa man made"— so the sage averred,
And man. delighted with the novel attitude
Which marked him from the beasts, received the word
Ami cherished it, of course, with pride and gratitude.
I now declare the utterance a fiction,
AM! meet it with the flattest contradiction.
Man made himself upright Ere he could talk.
Deep in primeval woods he used to tear about
On hands and feet; he only learnt to walk
Some hundred centuries ago or thereabout.
I hold his present mode of locomotion
A passing whim, a vile new-fangled notion.
Why be such slaves to fashion? Let us not,
Merely to gratify our human vanity.
Q~ifT-« ourselves to one long lingering lot
Of iiidijTrtinn. sickness ana in*'
Just nanishmmt of those who outrage nature
To add a paltr • • their stature.
Then low no tans ! Down on your hands and f
The new position, when you're first reduced t<
Ma v not be all t has you consider sweet.
But only wait until you once are used to it !
_ . i
In a few
! - • •
at only wait until you once are used
few generations you '11 be swearing
tba OM attitude there 'a any bearing.
,d what might that be?"
" Whv. that the size of all living creatures is steadily
diminishing." ,,
" Does that apply, Professor, to the human species ?
" Certainly. There is now little doubt but that prehistoric
man was naturally of Brobdingnagian proportions ; there is
also little doubt but that at the present rate of diminution
the normal Mature of man in a few thousand years will never
exceed four feet."
"Can nothing be done to stem this gradual progress
towards dwarfishness ? "
• hing at all, I fear," replied the Professor sadly. '
must resign ourselves to the prospect of continuous shrinkage.
The big men are doomed. Yet recent discoveries may
' possibly provide an antidote. Something, for example, may
(*> hoped from the process of stopping teeth with pitchblende
in the hope of stimulating radio-activity in the EnMaehian
tube. Mr. WELLS is experimenting with a patent food, and
has already had to raise the roof of his house at Sandgate
by nine inches. I myself am giving a six months' trial to a
self-raising flour, and "—here the Professor gazed compla-
cently at his massive proportions — " the results are not
altogether discouraging."
"But why, Professor, should we endeavour to resist the
liable march of Nature, especially as animals are growing
smaller also?"
"Ah," rejoined Professor RAT LANKESTER, gloomily, "that
the mistake is made by optimistic sciolists. The
terrible truth is that man is growing smaller far more rapidly
than any other living creature. Look round at all our leading
•i. and what do you see ? The stage led by LITTLK Tim.
The bar dominated by Sir EDWARD CLARKE. Literature in its
Inchest flighta represented by Mr. AIJREI- AI BTTJr, Mr. HALL
VEB MicORKEOOR and Mr. Ht DYARD Kirn
Conscious at this moment of a sudden shrinkage myself,
in the region of the waist. I hurried away to lunch.
,1 \M-.utY L'7, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
70
OB IIIK l.nNDON CH.MMVMM.
[JANUAHT 27, 1904.
:OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
EWJina (MADIILLAN) is, in its way, a notable book. The
authnms. FANXT Bower (Mrs. or Mias ?). haa attempted
altogether without success ™ of the
• . ..• • • - . , -' :... I-./. : • i:. I, :.::.>'.., :\ • :<, : :-
the close of the eighteenth century,
or old, married or single, waa well-advised in L
treading these ancient pathways when, close at hand, she
-•.••.:-• .-.: i « rfcBMMb ; .:. M." M »:. ••
OMBLU and Mr. HALL CUKE, is a matter for private ,
ment, a practice to be encouraged or deprecated 1
taste. However that be, my Baroniu*. uninfluenced' by pre-
judice, admits that the effort ia well-sustained. It is not
accomplished alone by cheap references to Ranelagh in its
prime, or to talk about "a ridott<> " and the like. As an
"'".nee of the care with which vrtiitrmblanrf ia maintained
be noted a reference to " the celebrated Mr. GARRICK "
ing at Drury Lane Theatre. On referring to that
indispensable work of reference, the Encyclopaedia Britanniea,
it will be found that GAKBJCK waa flourishing between the
period 1770 — 5. during which the story purports to have
bean written. Thia haa twofold interest. It vindicates the
accuracy of Mrs. Bonn's studies, and it shows that the
Encyclopaedia Britannica ia up to date— which indeed it
ought to be, since my Baronite subscribed for his copy by
telephone on " The Last Day." Mr. Htxffl THMOOX embel-
lishes the little comedy with a aeries of charming pictures
of girls' frocks of the tune when GBORT.E THE THUD was King.
Mr. AOBTnr DOBBOV contributes what looks like a learned
Introduction. This my Baronite has skipped, shrinking from
the discipline of italics in which it is printed, and repelled
by the frequent occurrence of the remark "and which."
That may have been good style in the days of Queen Axm,
an Augustan age in whose literature Mr. DOBBON is said to
be versed. But Queen Axm is dead, and in this twentieth
century there is a rooted prejudice against the pronoun with
or without the conjunction.
("N.B.— Tfcie it • goak." at Arrarrs WAU need to my when be
bared he might be taken wriotwly. By the w»y, my B«roni»'» •tndiotu
ignorance M to whether FAJCVT BTBMT WM Mn. or HIM »howi how
hiMory repeat* itoeU. Ia one of the earlieM notion of Evelina, «p-
peariag in the Cntieal Stfifte five qnartere of • century ago, the
•ulhor WM throughout alluded to M " he."— Taa Bx«o*.] '
Though in Toy Gods (JOHN LONO) its author, PEBCIVAL
Picmnra, does not treat us to a very intricate plot, yet, as
full compensation for deficiency in this respect is made by
variety and distinct delineation of character, the story will
be found thoroughly interesting, and one that will well
repay careful study. Decidedly it ia not a book for the
light-hearted volatile "skipper.1 Amelia B
Bradshaw, who
up from gutter to drawing-room, is so cleverly
drawn, and so true to human nature, as to win the hearts of
all who have the pleasure of making her acquaintance. My
Baronitess cannot accept the author s charitable excuses for
the conduct of Sir Geoffrey Hope, whose behaviour w:
set down by all readers, in spite of anything apologetic that
the author of hia erjatonce may put forward in his favour,
aa that of an unutterable cad. My Baroniteas is of opinion
that by this time she has said enough to excite the curiosity
of all who value a clever piece of novelistic work.
From the same publisher comes The Lady of the Island,
which, as the first of a collection of short stories by Gtv
DUCMHBI, gives ill name to the volume. This tale, A Protestor
of Egyptology, The Conviri Catthrr. u 'noe (Jold field,
are " the pick of a basket," in which nearly all are well up
to the author's best standard of work.
In Thf Yrllmc Diamond (Mnvccx) AMUB SEBGEAXT,
wing the example of MOI.IEBK, who took his good things
where he found thi-in, luldly annexe-. ^li,-rlock Holme*. She
affixes her own label, calling him Julius Quayle. Otherwise
•i content to adopt the system anil even ih<> mannerisms
.Hi-, hem. His "(ii)lii' l«'Ketter " in
a moment of impatience once killed Xliertork Holmes. Miss
SDOKAXT treats him even more despitefully. She gives him
away in marriage, a state of life wholly incompatible with
Mich an existence as the amateur detective devoted him-
self to, involving guarded movements and the keeping
if ill wi-n-ts. For the rest my Baronite finds The
Yellow Diamond a well-constructed story, bristling with
interest. There is a jewel robbery, an escape from
Dartmoor, a rencontrr between two deeply-dyed villains,
complicated by the fact that a son and daughter, unknowing
their parents' past, desire to engage in matrimonial relations.
Finally there is a murder. Over all these scenes Juliti*
Quayle hovers, with Sherlock Holmes » wan smile and his
rare gift of putting two and two together in the way of clues
to mysterious crimes.
The authoress of The House on the Marsh is one of the
Baron's favourite romancists. When she sets herself to
make your flesh creep she can do it in a manner that would
have caused "young Touch-and-go," otherwise the Fat R.y
(so styled by Sam H eller), to quiver like a blanc-mange. With
this preface the Baron begs permission to introduce, to those
who honour him by accepting his recommendation, FLORI
WABDKK'B latest, entitled The ilit-Rule of Three (FISHER UKW
The sole objection to the book is its title, which is, the Baron
supposes, intended to be humorous, and achieves its object in
much the same way as Mr. Peter Magnus achieved his when
in hasty notes to intimate acquaintances he sometimes signed
himself " Afternoon," which, observed Mr. P. M., " amuses
my friends very much." However, as the rose, even with
the prefix of cabbage, retains its own peculiar perfume.
, so this romance remains a seriously-written, sensational
story, with a startling denonment, thoroughly original in
conception and artistic in construction. The Baron refuses
even to hint at what the mystery of the story is: for not
only is it a lady's secret, the inviolability of which he is
bound to respect, but also it is not his to give away, and
were he to betray his trust he would be ruining the enjoy-
ment of those among his followers who, on his advice, will
seize this book with avidity, and not let it out of their
hands until they have exhausted
its contents to the uttermost line
of the last chapter. One word
of warning : don't expect too
iinu-h from the first two chapters,
wherein three jolly companions,
apparently suggested by the cele-
brated trio of musketeers, threaten
to become so many twaddling
nuisances. Bear with them pa-
tiently : they don't last long, and
when they do crop up now and
again the wearisomeness of their nF
ensemble has entirely disappeared.
THE
BARON
B-W
"CoCTOCKi) tli.it y..ung fellow fresh from college," growled
an eminent conversationalist, now in the sere and yellow of
hia anecdotage, " he always caps my best stories."
, y good manners, specially in a University man,"
observed a convi\v.
rs ! " returned the other irascibly. " How ? "
• (plained his friend, "when he meets with a story
or joke as venerable as it is excellent, he caps it as he would!
a respected old Don of his college."
JAOTARI 27, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
71
EMOLLIENTS FOR MILLIONAIRES.
AMERICAN STYLE.
IV.
THE scene is a large New York office,
with abundant light and air, in. a high
steel-frame building. Architects and
engineers have a quarter to themselves,
and lawyers another qiiarter. All this
is visible from the private office of Mr.
oixiE, junior member of the firm of
Si i NKI.K AND BODGE, consulting philan-
thropists. Mr. BODGE is a spare man of
thirty-five or fort}-, with a quiet, alert
manner, lit' has grey hair and a dark
moustache. Ho takes a card
from the office-boy.
Mi: Bodge (examining the
card). Very well. I will see
Mr. WATTLE immediately.
As Mr. WATTLE comes in,
Mr. BODGE bids him good-
morning.
.Mi: Wattle. Mr. BODGE o
Mr. STUNKLE ?
Mi: Bodge. Mr. BODGE.
Mr. S'ITXKLE is in. London,
superintending the lighting
of the British Museum for
Mr. CHARLES M. SCHWAB.
.We. Wattle. Ah! Well, it's
something along those lines
I'm after, Mr. BODCE.
Mr. Bodge. We have a
number of things to offer.
There 's the Parthenon — it 's
really impossible to see it
after dark. An illumination
every evening, or twice a
week— how does that strike
you ''.
Mi: Wattle. Can't say I'm
struck on the idea.
Mi: Bodge. Something
nearer home then. The Mam-
nmtli ('a\e, Tor instance — the
light is MTV bad in some
p]ao>s, f 'in told. Your name
might be cut, in the rock at
t lie UK ii i th "Mammoth Cave:
Darkened by Nature: Lighted by
Klertrieity anil 1'oNTHS WATTLE."
Mr. \Vniil,: H'm! Better leave out
electricity.
Mi: I ',<><! <j<: Or, if lighting isn't the
thing, there are plenty of other depart-
ments.
Mi: Wattle. Such as libraries?
Mr. Bodge. Hardly, I 'm afraid. There
is only one town left in the United
States without a Carnegie Library'.
Mi: Wattle. Where is it?
Mr. Bodge. It's called Boston. Mr.
CAII.VEGIE began negotiations with the
Bostonians, but they insisted on naming
the library after MAXIM GORKY, so the
matter fell through.
Mr. Wattle. The field 's pretty well
exhausted, I guess.
Mr. Bodge. I think not. Do you mind
being a little ahead of your age ?
Mi: Wattle. I 'd rather be in the
fashion.
Mr. Bodge. Have you any other pre-
ferences— donations to nation, state, city V
Mr. Wattle. I don't care. I just have
some money to give away, the same as
other folks.
Mr. Bodge. If you would like to give
to a city, a nice bridge is a handsome
present, very handsome. Or what do
you say to a couple of tunnels ?
Mr. Wattle. If I can't be in the fashion
I'd rather inaugurate quite a new
departure. 1 mean I want what I do to
' SLUM UP-TO-DATE."
Polly (to District Visitor). "PLEASE, Miss, MOTHER SATS SHE'S KOT
AT 'OME1 TO-DAY. YOU SEE SHE'S TRIMMIS' HER 'AT TO GO TO A PARTY "
be not only new as philanthropy, but
new in itself. And tunnels, Mr. BODGE,
tunnels are as old as the hills.
Mi: Bodge. Not quite, I imagine. Let
me see. You wouldn't care to endow
a select leisure class, whose members
would show their fellow-countrymen
how to do nothing unostentatiously ?
Mr. Wattle. Not a bit. I'm a plain
man, Mr. BODGE, and I don't take any
stock in this talk againsfostentation.
Mr. Bodge. You haven't thought of
education ?
Mr. Wattle. I got through with all
that when I left school.
Mi: Bodge. Of course. It has never
occurred to you that you might found
an university ?
Mr. Wattle. Where, for instance ?
Mr. Bodge. Oh, the place doesn't sig-
nify. Peoria or Baraboo or Omaha or
Terre Haute.
Mr. Wattle. Is that fashionable ?
Mr. Bodge. It was. By this time
perhaps it is rather an old story.
Mr. Wattle. There must be something.
Mr. Bodge. Plenty of things, plenty
of things, Mr. WATTLE. But this is a
business of the first importance. Better
go slow and sure.
Mr. Wattle. I'd rather do something
this week. Fact is I must sail next
Tuesday. Got a date with the Emperor
WILLIAM.
Mi: Bodge. I see. Well, here's a
little thing I've been working
up, and though it's not really
done I suppose I could get it
into shape in a few days.
Mr. BODGE takes a packet
of papers from his desk and
removes the elastic bands.
Mr. Bodge. Here 'a the idea.
Lately the statesmen over in
England have got into the
habit of leaving the Cabinet
for conscience' sake, or princi-
ple's sake, or something just
as extraordinary. Our plan
— which we call B. 148,— is
to pay 'em their full salaries
if they '11 spend their vaca-
tions over here.
Mr. Wattle. What for ? I
don't see the point.
Mr. Bodge. Oh ! — an experi-
ment. Just to see if their
scrupulousness is catching on
our side of the water.
Mr. Wattle. Never, -Sir,
never. I call this scheme
of yours downright unameri-
can.
Mr. Bodge. No offence in-
tended. ... By the way, I
forgot one thing. What do
you say to chasing ANDREW
CARNEGIE round the country
and filling his libraries with
. . . what do you think ?
Mi: Wattle. I don't think anything.
Mr. Bodge. With books ! No Carnegie
library without a book on its shelves !
Sounds well, eh?
Mr. Wattle. Say, that 's a new one !
I rather cotton to that. Sure the old
man won't mind?
Mr. Bodge. I don't believe he would.
As I understand it, he has no objection
to books, though he likes shelf-room
better.
Mr. Wattle. Well, I'll sleep on it.
Good-morning.
When Mr. WATTLE has gone the office-
boy comes in with another card.
Mr. Bodge (reading card). KIMBARK ?
KIMBARK ? ... 0, to be sure. The man
who wants to give London a pavement
that can't be torn up. Show him in.
IT.NVII i UK I.MM.MN . n\i;iv\i;i.
1904.
HOW THE LAST RUN OF THE WOPSHIRE HOUNDS WAS SPOILT.
VI i - Till. CRISIS.
Mr. Puneh has great pleasure in
placing before bin readers the view* of
now of oar leading publicist* on the
great question of the hour, at expressed
by them in conversation with hi* Repre-
Mr. A. C. MtnjiPC said that though
depressed by the result of the third Test
Match he did not give up hope. There
wen still two matches to be played, and
if the M.C.C. team won the next the
rubber waa assured ; even if they lost
it, then still remained a reasonable
chance of their nulling off the final
contest. The batUe was never lost until
it waa won : contrariwise it was never
won until it waa lost. He reminded the
interviewer that hope springs eternal in
the human breast, and that what Lanca-
shire thought to-day England would
think to-morrow.
Mr. C. B. Fn remarked to oar inter-
that the situation, though sen
was by no means desperate. In cricket,
.w •]-•.,:..-. !.•;•• '.:.• v;-. | i bfjq .•:.-.
L,n-:....! ) m&mm n •• -...-• •.. • • •
forgottea that the climatic and atmos-
pheric conditions of the Antipodes
differed from those of the mother
country. Personally, be set gnat store
on the contagiona example of personality.
WAMBBwasth.
Finally, he pointed out that it would be
premature to indulge in pessimistic
anticipations • when two matches still
remained to be played.
Prince RuurreiMui said that he en
dprsed every word that fell from his
gifted eott/rtre. Wimm was a man of
tnding personality, but so on
the other hand were TBCMPER, NOBLE and
Horents. He thought the return <,f
TkDMBLK to the arena one of the most
touching incident* in the annals of our
times. It reminded him of BKUSAHU s
or was it CocmuTCB ?
GADKBODOEK said that he had been
deeply affected by the news of Wuna's
defeat. But every cloud had a silver
lining, and he earnestly hoped that they
would have better luck .•. In
reply to the interviewer GACEBODGER
further stated that he had never heard
of Mr. AvwtEir Luo.
Tat statement, frequently found in
- Petersburg journal*, that the aims of
uasia are " fecific," must of course be
taken in a littoral, rather than a moral,
Vnmnt, on the "English Riviera,"
•:• k :•:..:•!..:•. I- I: /.-,-.
JSdko records the following phenomenon-
"Southport-«4 hours' bright sunshine
registered yesterday.
A MODERN PASTORAL.
THKOUOB the meads as STREPHON goes,
He bewails his hapless lot ;
In his heart are bitter woes,
For his CHLOB cometh not :
To a strain of fond recall
Oft he tunes his oaten reed,
But its echoes idly fall ;
Somehow CHLOE does not heed.
Huddled kine would gladly pn-et
What they 've never found to fail :
Welcome patter of her f
Merry clatter of her pail ;
Ah, no more with laugning lip
SIMMON'S favours will .»!..• d,.n,
Never down the meadows trip —
CHLDE'S occupation 's gone !
STBEPBOM ! since we daily see
Hustling Science will not wait,
I^-nd thy pipe a newer key;
( 'HLOE 'B done and cut .1 .late;
When you give us songs to rouse
Thoughts of pastureslush and green ,
ThrUMinooftheCowi
I'll Electrical Machine!
LEGAL TrrLEs. — " The last of the
Barons" ceased to exist w» i „
Hut there is seldom a case brought int..
court without any number nf "Counts"
appearing in it. '
an 3, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
MR. PUNCH'S FISCAL BALLADS.
\ i I;IKS of visits at short intervals to the Alhambra Music-
hall has convinced .We. I'lim-lt that the management an
greatly in need of a new sung on the Fiscal (.hiestion. 'file
impassioned appeal to
"Hny! Hny! Hny! at tin- .lulls Hi l.i.'s stm-c,"
however admirably rendered, palls somewhat with re]x'litii>u,
and even the portrait of Mr. < 'HAMHI-III.AIX thrown upon the
-civen by a magic lantern after Verse .'! is only mildly
stirring to I he jaded >pectator. To hel])the Alhambra manage-
ment out of iheir difficulty .We. I'lineh would be happy to
supply them with a sin-cession of Fiscal Ballads, either
pro-tariff Or anti-tariff , for use in their excellent programme
at a moderate figure'.
If they prefer to keep to the pro-( 'll \MHKKI.AIX side the
following ditty, sung with due heartiness, should attract
enormous audiences nightly. It might be called :
Kxi'oins AXII IMPORTS.
In the golden days of GEORGE THE THIRD
You'll find in history written
That no complaints were ever heard
Of dumping goods in Britain.
Our import- duties were so high
They prevented BONEY'S landing,
And (!i-;on(iK mi: FOIIITH and the late Lord NORTH
Kept British trade expanding!
CIIOIH s (tempo di valso).
If our exports exceed our imports,
Britiniii/ii irill riili- Ilie truces.
If our iiii/Hirlx exceed our exports,
7'//i'ii /i'e//iiii.s- will soon be slaves.
(Da capo.)
But now our Trade is Free to all,
And so it's not surprising
That while each year our exports fall
Our imports still are rising.
On every side our industries
Are crying for Protection,
(J?'.) So we must go and vote for JOE
At the General Election !
(Chorus as before.)
This is quite in the best style of Fiscal ballad. A faint
flavour of history, mostly wrong. A mingling of economics
and patriotism so complete that you never know whether the
singer is running up the Union Jack or a column of half-
pence. And a chorus of concise mis-statements. What more
can a popular audience ask?
Should the Alhambra public evince a desire to hear the
Free Trade side of the question wedded to lyric verse,
.We. I'lini'l/ recommends the following. The verses should
be sung jauntily, as befits their galloping rhythm, but
the chorus gives opportunity for the most heart-breaking
pathos :
AND THAT 's WHAT I 'if AFRAID OF !
Britons, don't be led away by CHAMBERLAIN'S predictions,
His prophecies are mostly lies and half of his facts are
fictions ;
He 11 tax the boots upon your feet, the wool your clothes are
made of,
He '11 tax the wheat the poor must eat — and that 's what I 'm
afraid of !
CHORUS (adagio ma twn troppo).
Your food icill cost you more I
Thin fact you cant ignore :
MANNERS IN THE FIELD.
ALWAYS nr, PREPARED TO GIVE A LEAD TO A LADY, EVEN AT SOME LITTLE
PERSONAL INCONVENIENCE.
Your bread will be dear,
And so will your beer —
(/.) Your food will cost you more !
Britons, don't be led away by tariff agitation,
The Cobden Club is still the hub of the glorious English
nation !
Don't believe the figures JOE has made so much parade of,
They 're rather long and he adds them wrong — and that '«
what I 'in afraid of !
CHORUS (andante espressivo).
Your food will cost you more !
I 've told you this before :
Your American wheat
And your Argentine meat —
(ff.) They both will cost you more !
A magic-lantern portrait of Sir HENRY CAMPBEU.-BANNERMAN
arm-in-arm with the Duke of DEVONSHIRE would be a fitting
pendant to this ditty, and win a host of adherents to Free
Trade.
Mr. Punch's attention has been called to the fact that The
Guardian is " Entered at the New York Post-office as Second-
class Matter." The communication comes from a clergyman,
and is borne out by a printed statement at the head of the
journal in question: otherwise Mr. Punch would not have
given it credence.
ANOTHER STRANGE DISAPPEARANCE ! — An elderly gentleman,
a respected member of a certain Borough Council, who a few
days ago entered a protest, has not been seen again. For the
present we suppress names, as the mysterious affair is in the
hands of the police.
VOL. CXXVI.
1T.NCII M|;
LONDON ' I1\KI\ \i;l
1901
MR. SEDDON INTERVENES.
>..,•.•: . • " -
. ; '. •
Imperial OnnraMiil coold Ml ntim 10 aond* to UM wUW of MM
of uw Knprv . . . ia d»fc»«a<a» to ik» WMSM of Motfc-
•-•
In l.uU a g,
''•own muit'.n '
Tower of defence, impenetra
'•«.
«n to faui
• the common mans aa " Kaiaer So. •
Whoa* word on qnestions which admit of doubt
i 'Inn-how thr problem like • jxiir «-f tweeaers ;
•<<> warmth and tirelewi tendency to •pout
•y the influence of local gey»ers : —
<-e an greatly favoured by vour hut
liii|«rial Hull (received and noted .1
In which your Kwllem-y deign* to cart
i uiuMi vwnioni* on the hWtwn coolie.
r eagle orb, annihilating apn<
HM looked aakaao r A Trie neighbour,
Fearing to hare TOUT own adjoining place
.• • : i • • • ! i
Or elae a filial motire fanned your i«al.
England had need of YOU ; you would not leave her
In lack of counael, wondering how to deal
With symptoms indicating yellow fever.
A plain acknowledgment muni here nuffice.
So full of apeechlea* thank* the parent State is.
Antipodean Sir. for vour advice.
Tendered unasked and abaolutely gratis.
But if her sense of gratitude u mich.
How can the bunting li.-.in convey it« tension
There on the actual Kami that owe* MI miirh
vou and your wo linx-ly inter
luubt the infant means to pay hi* •)• l>t«;
He 'II write a protest, eloquent and flowery.
Inquiring if the Motherhind abet*
The way in which you pani]><T Little Maori.
An<l KM eland, treating all alike l.\ turns.
Will gravelv read each queation when the>- a*k it.
Ami. having bid thetn mitnl their own concern*,
I •;.—• the fragmenu in the papi>r-ba«ket. O. 8.
PIECE WITH HUMOUR.
IMS in<*t aniii>iii.
and thcn-hy wrious
All that lias t.. !«• ili-<-iili'<l is
• • .-•;•:. .i whetbjr
: ally iiux«-<l with tin' romantic a> lhat
neither -hall mi'lul'. .i.i.iin MML-IIMI. lia>
the balanoe i-. arti-tn-ally
are ai«pen»«l with ; ami, mi the
whole, m-ntinn-nt i« - introduced a« to JntanaiN the
.hly in earnest, play as if the
charactcni they are rendering were real people ni»viii>; in
ice, taking the rit'hl imir fn.in
theae well-qualified repreaentatives <>f the author's l>i/.arn-
in tin- j -k-- ami .u . l.mu tlu> jtiix-e unil its
A Safe Billet for Burflara.
Tin \fu-n*:. -If lia»
tb* following
Nl'.lil UVTiHUVX WMtad lor Kn*i«~rm* Work..
\ (Mtradiac prtfamd.
I In i V" 'one may well aak) rmitodirt iptot <•><>
KIBW. — In the Tims-i lost week i» recorded, under
dale January 28. the abooting of "a Bohemian -
It waa said that the specimen in WM • rnra otw.
Not a bit of it. There are lot-
ihe ad>i-
• '.-..- • • • •
'••..•
idea, heartin
•htuiastk delight.
Mr. UUHUI Itanww i" unconventionally light-comedkar
hearted aa the Mill yniithful l>nkr »f KH!i-->-nnl;i.-.
>-«~»IIIH. who wiw last in rviih-nci ..... t lie roof
of a dinkiiig houae in an overflow performance at 1 irm-y K-itie,
ia now landed an-urely -.11 the -tage <.f the Criterion, and ha>
his aeat in this boon a* //.».-// l'',tt-\\',-ll.,j. A'x-/.. M.I'.,
what constituency has the h'fcmrof having him for
iber ia not ijuili- cli-ar. Hi> jHilitii^ an- nelmloiis, his
;ni.-.ity ni.».t ilix-iiled. Aa n character he i> a ijiiecr
mixture, and Mr. WEEDOX Oaoesumi plays it for all it is
worth and a good deal more. As an actor he is a man of
boaineaa, that u of stage - business, just as Miss MARIE
ILUXOTOX. who so amusingly impersonates the rich \viilow,
Mi». MulhoUand, whose wealth has attracted this M.-inU-r fur
inpty-pocket borough, and whose charms have fascinated
him, is, as an actress, a thorough " woman of business."
-uch a pair," playing into each other's hands, would
make the fortune of a less excellent piece than this.
Miss HELD ROCSK gives the requisite tone to the f'ountest
1'angboumt, and Miss EVA MOOHE as Lady Heni-i.-t'n
Adduom, the sweetly capricious Beatrice t.i the Duke's
\Bmrdirk. adds one mon- portrait to her gallery of such
•nmtiooml successes as she b« already achieved in '
little Love Affair, and in Old Heidelbfry.
>Aa the ueilate Mi-snndrr Maebaynr, "can>taker of
Mi." Mr .Ions KKI.T has a worthy partner in that
respectable Si itch Imdy Mr*. UaAufu (Mi— Ki
H-UIWOOD), the pair Ix-ing evidently MI-.. ml cousin, om-e
removed, and |»-ri-h<-.l on a (iaelie branch of the family ti.-.-.
'r. a»<l \lr«. Knaoman. now in the service of Hixin Ai;inn:
> at •' the little HOIIV in the Haynwrket."
From -. |M-rf.vt a cast mu-t 1>\ no means lx> omitted the
l.utler. Mr. BMRM C<»)PEB, and the footman. Mr Bnm
'" tll<- ( "' they play a waiting game to
•n ; eurh has his f,,tr,';; and 1, There are
ladie«' uuiids in the play, though unnam.-d among
ifraaMtw peraoMv, ao that these two very i-apaMe v.-ung
^.men an- in their place, as domeMics witfioul ,-har..
Lhat w. they are not "d.wn in the hill." I think il as «,-li
draw the attention ,,f Mr. AmiCR Cm I.III..H i,, this fad
I"1-"'' p«I'''r he will mention it to either his partner
•h- Manager. Mr. F.UNK CnoSJ S ,i
tter for his own di^-n-i..,!,. These two v,,,II1K, |,,|,e, fill
*-ll that IM rare no
>ble manageme,,t »,,,,1,| wi.|, ,,, ,.lk(. „ thi.|r
id, that being the case, why ,„., - ,-all ,(„.,„
»
S round
of
An<1
the
A
The r,ie,,tlyHelecUHli-r, ;,.. K. ,:-,.
I
B
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1
a
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H
W
H
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I
O
FEBRUARY 3, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE EONDON CHARIVARI.
77
CHARIVARIA.
THE Rev. A. J. KAYLOR, in the course
of a sermon, in a New York church, on
the subject of Wickedness in that city,
Eut his arm out of joint while gesticu-
iting, anil had to retire. He ought
certainly to have left it to the wicked to
flourish like a green bay tree.
An English schoolboy has won £4,000
at Monte Carlo. It is said that he
intends to purchase his school with a
view to closing it.
Apparently there was some truth in
what was said as to the antiquated
equipment of some of our troops in the
Boer War. It is announced that the
officers of the Dorset Imperial Yeomanry
have decided to present the two guns
which they had with them in South
Africa to the Dorset County Museum.
By some mistake, during prize-firing
at Malta, one of the Venerable's guns,
instead of being directed at the target,
was fired point blank at the Gladiator.
Fortunately the shot passed over her.
Yet there are those who would improve
the marksmanship of the Navy !
The tendency to define the scope of
our places of amusement, as shown in
the recent litigation between the theatres
and the music halls, is still further
exemplified by the hint which the Fire
Committee of the County Council has
given to Drury Lane to see to it that
the Home of Melodrama does not become
the Home of Tragedy.
A gentleman has written to the Pall
Mall Gazette to complain that his chil-
dren's latest game is " Find the Hidden
Treasure." "My copy of the Encyclo-
paedia Britannica," he says, " has been
desecrated by the insertion of discs,
my carpets have been torn up, and
no room in the house is sacred to the
hiders and the seekers." We strongly
recommend Papa to become one of the
former, employing either a birch or a
buckly strap.
A man who was accused at the Man-
sion House of stealing a cheque success-
fully pleaded an alibi, proving that he
was in prison at the time. He left the
Court without a stain on his character.
In Peckham, Dulwich, and Camber-
well there are 404 licensed houses. We
are gradually approaching the British
Workman's ideal of "One man, one
pub."
A frantic attempt is being made to
induce Germans to wash more. The
Vosgisehe Zeitung is publishing the
h UK-
THINGS ONE MIGHT HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.
Elderly Party (who fancies herself young). " AH, MILDRED, YOU AND I MUST ONE DAY LOSE
OCR YOUTH AND BEAUTY ! "
Mildred. " Oil, YOU MUSTN'T BE DOWN-HEARTED. You HAVE WORX so WONDERFULLY WELL ! "
advertisement of a Company which offers
to supply linen free if the recipients will
only pay for the washing.
As showing the extreme state of
tension existing between Russia and
Japan, it is rumoured that orders have
been issued by the Russian War Office
for the immediate mobilisation of
HACKENSCHMIDT.
And the Russians at Port Arthur are
laying in supplies against a siege. " In
view of the need which may arise for
horses and ponies," says Renter, "the
military authorities are taking measures
to secxire an adequate supply."
The Students of Edinburgh University
made a deafening noise all the while
their Lord Rector was addressing them,
so that he could not be heard, and after-
wards presented him with a small black
doll. And yet the Scotch are said to
have no sense of humour.
The report that the KAISER waa not
born yesterday is confirmed. He cele-
brated his 45th birthday on the 27th ult.
We were recently informed that the
dietary of the Navy had been improved ;
yet, on Friday last, the Expi-ess pub-
lished an article entitled : —
TO FEED THE NAVY.
SUGGESTED PURCHASE OF WELSH COAL
MINES.
The members of the British Colony
ofiSt. Petersburg are organising a great
bear hunt. So are the Japanese.
SIR HENRY THOMPSON'S MOTTO. — " Down
with the Dust ! "
78
PUNCH
OR
TIIK
LONDON CRA
i:i\ \i:i.
_ FKMHI MIV
.".. l!Ht|.
MR. PUNCH'S SYMPOSIA.
•
M, I!
Ill Imirable •
most excellent
.1 .-|uall\ im
..mid
the - made
-M.
.W.
\lr '
Mr. :
V... M
Mr. .\nllmuy II
a»k«l in 11. iii. • -MOII cm a nub-
• ithor* keenl\
Mu*ician~ ..rti-.lv :iu arc
decorated for their work. Why should
,' and
I'bere Reema to
me no <|ui.ti.ni whatever. Soon-
later -mli .in'
Those that are thu- -mi/lrd out from
ym^g the ruck ore properly i?rateful.
i I'arkrr. I a.
.Vr. .Ai.f/.oiiy //opr. Tin- button of tin-
it anil pleasant
deooration. Why not adopt it li> •
Mr. Henry Hnrl>iii'l. 1'art of
any r.it. . would then IN- nil.
Hall 'Vim.-. Hut who itlioiil<l
upon tin- fitting r-
.Vr. //rnry Jamf*. That should !»•
done with i-\i|iii>it<- i. in- Tlie little
badge aboold instantly hhizon its wearer
a* one of the minority that is always
right.
Mr. II"'! './...• 1 wan afraid that
of that i. mi aljout small rircid.i-
would cni-p in.
.Vr. Guy BuolMxj. It always
Then is no better guide to merit than
popularity.
1. «'..n.in !>">jlr. Or an Mil inn <lr
Mr. Hall <•„„„- 1 would K.I
with all humility that a plcbi-.
Mi inr.V rrnden I- taken. I am a great
wda.
Miu Miu-ir I'trrrtli. O vea, yes.
.Vr A'./-""!/ The piibliahVn might
insert a blank page in even
aaking ft* the reader • opinion as to the
decoration the author deaervea. Tbeae
I»|»T* innrht be collected from time to
v a boaae-to-home vwit.
man Doyle But who would
I have ti'
Mr. Bnoacx would amat.
•/ Jamri. I obouki not rarr
tut anch a teat.
,-t U-
\Mtliiu th.-
reach <>f all. Hut everyone may aspire
'.,.„,, ll^i
moalablinhiil \\
- •
i ••( it-.. Fulaouie A
mat, I lik.' ihf word I'lu-x.i-
It IUIH a nuiuintii- rinu alxmt it
whk-h haniahee all aaaociation \\itli tin-
aordid actuulitirs of the moment, ami
juatifiea the a>! a piotiireaque
'lilbrrt 1'arlser. True. tiir.tume i~
<ifU?n an incentive to inspirit i»n. I
niyaelf have found a scarlet cummerbund
invaluable in the delineation of tropical
'. character. Hut the title Chevalier is not
i reoogniaed bv Kurke. DtbreU or Dodd.
Mr. .\. /•.' II </,(.«,,„ NM noxfl;-
rcully do bio work proper! v unleaa he is
on il.P. That should be tlie diMinetimi
for whii-li uovelisU Hhonld strive. Fur
my II.-M lx»ik. which is to U- i-.dled
i of III- Ilimliiiijn, 1 must have
Parliamentary i-\|iericnce.
<:>ll>rrt 1'nrkfr. I M'mi>athise with
Mr. M inratinii.-. init I warn him
that I'.ilitii-s \-, an exacting mistress.
SHUT I joine<l the Kit<-lien ( 'niiimittti'
of tli' '( Commons my literary
output lia» duiinlltsl |>y i',">() words daily.
.Vr. Hall Ciiinr. An interesting pro-
<i-urs t" mi-. Oiijjht writers who
habitually employ a psen<lonym to
I the i le«i mil ion to their real or
their aasumed name? Or, to take a
concrete owe, would our ^ifuxl chairman
elect to \M- known as I/.rd AMII..\\ Horn,
or aa Lord HAWK
.Vr. Harlantl. Obviously the ch<iice
would !«• •li-ti-riniiii-'l by the l.i
euphony. A much more subtle (Miint
is whether I. .diet* Mrhx) writ* under a
manculine nom de yurrrr would U- eli
f T derorationa. Sir Jon -
Wivret Miund-
Mr. t('i'//i<im Is <juritf. Honours are
i-«-rt.iinly worth having: but it i
•on- happy if one know
particular work they are giren. My
inveiiiiiurp aa a Chevalier of the < ioldeii
Kagle came immediately upon the pub
licatkm of my romance The TknuGlatt
Kyri, hut 1 cannot fed quite comfortable
mind that the errata were related.
Again, my Srrrrt* of thr foreign 0
an author should lo~' in dignity by
i .iilit of the Holy I!. .man
KmpK - >iot < that I
-•night, but W'T'' it conferred HJKUI
.1.1 l.iki' li-- than my
have it k.-pt out <if the
pan
i •
'tome idle vaniti'-. To tind a medallion
entitling one t" hidden trca-mv to the
extent of a farthing i~ a l»'tt.-r way in
which to .ii|\.-itis.' one's worth.
Vr Hull <'in> la U-ik
ealh-d .1 fl nl -iron for n l-'niiliinij.
• r,-lli. I do not see that
that remark h.i- an\ relevaii
Mr.HiillCiiiin-. I am oft. 'ii in. -|. -\aiit;
but I always -ell.
''.u-/,v,'. I M-e that the
Emperor of KOREA ha- been advertising
for a resident denti-t. Ih- will be want-
ing a resident author m-\t. That will
op|iortunity for iiii-
.Vr. Harland. Why do you think he
\\ill want an author ''.
Sic Hilln-ii I'nrki-r. It is a logical
greaa. A dentist leads to the study o[
the illnstnite<l papers; and from them
we pass to fiction.
.Vr. Hull t'niii,-. True. true. How
much does hi- .-en-ne magnificence offer '.'
Si'c <;ill>ert Parker. He off.-rs the
dentist three hundred yen.
.Vr. Hull I'nini'. What i> a yen '?
Xir<;ill>,'ti 1'nrkfr. 1 don't 'know, but
no doubt Mr. KII-I.IM; does.
.Vr. KijtHmj. Four ahillings.
Mr. Hnll Cm**. Is that net ''.
Mr. Kijil'niij. C'ertainly.
M r. Hull Cni ne. 0, not enough, not
enough. And so far from ( ireeba !
[Le/t disagreeing.
iN P. I'VIIN Wllllol I i HVM.r
I his haa Ixwn aniioiiiice<l a- a mo-t
ile-irable objtvt of attainment, and
ng at present an ini|K>«sibilit\ !
Why? 1'nless the traveller ir-'t- wet
through during the Channel passage,
why should he cluing.- V In Midi a
•• would [«. I,,, ...t fortunate to haxe
a «|iiick change handy, and would
Mgerly avail hiins.'lf «,f I he wa.-h an<l
broth up department to put himx-lf all
right in the twenty-live minin
" while you wait" at the Calais Station.
waa followed bv the award, by the Ban
•tin. of the order of the Beautiful
.t«e.
: Me no reason why
"A\rioi \itivs " puts us this question :
The old slang (nautical -lang, I think it
• for a kiss was "buss."
"yon.- inform me if lips wi re known
as "buss-conductors"?
If any of the new multi-medallion
are wanting a legend for a ready-made
coot of arms «,. r,,,, H.,,,| '.. •;•/
•ought ,t ,ritl, f,,,./-x inill /,„,„.••,//„„,'.
'(/..->'„„,
FKHIirAHY ."., 1 '.«> 1.1
PUNCH, OR TlfK LONDON" ril.MMYARI.
79
A LAST RESORT.
Ulixs Armstrong (iclw lias foozled the ball six times with various clubs). "Axo WHICH OF THE STICKS AM I TO USE NOW?"
Weary Caddie. "GiE IT A BIT KNOCK wi' THE BAG!"
FRESH FIGURES FROM THE
FIRST TEST MATCH.
["An enterprising Australian tradesman
advertised an offer to pay any Australian bats-
man who scored 50 runs in either innings of
the first test match a sovereign, and for each
:nl(litional run xixpenc'e. A ' century ' was to
receive five sovereigns extra ; and a sovereign
was to be the price of every catch that dis-
missed an Englishman."]
WHEN NOBLE had made £1 15s. 6d.
lie was badly missed at square-leg. He
quickly reached his £2. HILL next
dispatched RHODES to the boundary for
2s. A short run gave HILL another six-
pence, and a lucky snick for eighteen-
pence by NOBLE brought the latter's
score to £2 Is. 6d. Ultimately he
amassed no less than £8 Is. 6d. . . .
TitfMi'EK is to be congratulated on having
made £!) 7*. (i</. not out in the second
innings.
The Australian fielding was excellent,
XOBLE alone making £3 worth of catches.
A curious misunderstanding arose.
Mr. FOSTER was under the impression
that the scheme was extended to the
English side. During an interview he
is understwd to have told a representa-
the Press that he certainly should
have thought twice about raising his
score to 287 had he been properly
acquainted with the rules. Much sym-
pathy was felt for Mr. FOSTER, and it
was only by an oversight that no col-
lection was taken for him on the ground.
MANNERS MAKETH BOY.
["Manners should be the foundation of all
education — of all book-learning and ' school-
ing" of every description. Our schoolboys,
instead of being harassed and stupefied with
Euclid and Greek, should be instructed in
mental deportment." — Hon. Mrs. R. ERSKINE in
Court Journal.]
SCENE — .4 schoolroom during crrnni>/
" Prep."
Brown (to Smith, who is silting next
him). Pardon my seeming rudeness, my
dear SMITH, in interrupting you in your
studies, but may I venture to point out
that (no doubt quite unwittingly) you
are giving me exquisite pain by pressing
with your foot upon a small hard growth
(resulting no doubt from an increase
in the thickness of the cuticle) which
1 am unfortunate enough to have on
my large toe ?
Smith. A thousand apologies, my dear
BROWN ! So engrossed was I in perusing
the chapter on Affability for to-morrow's
lesson that I was quite unaware of the
pain I was inflicting, although I must
at the same time confess that I was
dimly conscious of the fact that my
left foot was resting on something
which moved about in a manner indica-
tive that I was not in contact with the
solid floor. "
Brown. Ah, you are reading the work
of that noble gentlewoman who war
instrumental in abolishing from ous
educational system Greek and Euclid
and those other shibboleths, and sub-
stituting that Mental Deportment which
we take so much pleasure in learning.
Do you know, my dear SMITH, I suppose
in the rude old days I should have said
to you just now, " Here, SMITH, you jolly
well take yourself oft' my bally bunion,
or I'll bloomin' well punch your head."
Smith. Oh would you ? And I sup-
pose I should have retorted by jolly
well punching your beastly nose like
that, eh?
[They go for each other in the old
ii'n//. Ma n ni' rK HIV forgotten till
the Deportment Usher iiiterpotet.
i'i \< ii. MI:
L.,M...\
M via
THE ENDOWMENT OF RESEARCH.
I Portrait of the next pltatt of I'hi
mmenuritt in th>it /-./'
and
'tminiirti
Olfrpriting /
K we coiiiuiriii . our New and Thrilling Serial
'UP, -HNKP WHICH THIMHI. I.-
It will provide the Maases. not »nl> «iti. ItnJ-
\\ .',. !• — -MI.- ri'ti n. biit .il-.- u:t': I!;.- lue.iiis i.f -. , ,
foil, -Win* Cl.lrs
^ * HII.l1 * A\ r.A.xII.\ I \ 1 .' A \
t Plan h.i.s
now been very properly condemned as a I'ul.li, Nm
Our svHtrai in Simpucit
On a given day every we. Initial i.i>|.|.
II Secret- Medallions, each
rnlitling t
mjnawjgart of the Oann
who (together
With
which such Mcd..]li--Hs have been
poi
KIVi; Pupll.AI
the precise portion of thi-ir
ited)will I-
indicated by Clues given in the. urn-nt instalment ,,f ,,.,
You may aak : " What it
•
lallio
.-lebritift tktm-
•tiff* from dueovering their Medallion* and easting them
frtt f ' are going to tell you. We have taken Precau-
tions against Sharp Practice or Collusion of this kind.
It is not likely, to begin with, that those we may select as
Depositories for a Medallion w ill be in the least aware of the
fact. Be that as it max . we shall Cash No Medallion pre-
sented to us by Any Celebrity on whom it has been concealed,
or by any of hia Rektiona, Friends. ,,r Domesticti. The
Public can thus rely on hating AltSoI.ITF. FAIR PI. AY
" Hut might not a ' , trhn diwn-r* thnt i/. /i.irv
•o di*tinaui*hed him destroy or get rid of hi* Medallion f"
'/*
illi.
.! t.ul |..k.-l. Mr CIII\I»I:KI.\IN. though much
iniiK' that the affair had no |«>litical siKliiti-
|.r,.|,-rl\ d.i-l. .(•• whether the in'-
driwn by the iiHi-ting was corni-t or others
I leneral H INN
P-« n must ha\r fanri.-.! liimwlf back once more at Charter-
houw in the tlii.k of a f.«.t!ull ' s« rum ' \ .-s|.-nla\ afternoon
III Pall M.lll. wllrrr. "M dr,i-rl|i|ill^ till- st.-j.s of Ills ('lull, he
Was surrounded by an rntiiu-i.i-ti.- m<>b of admirers, each
iirst t.. rrlirxe him of his h,-ad
• ie popuka1 General made a stubborn and
gallant defence. !--.i rvrnlually I..- had to behold liis silk hat
a n«-. a.itrhed from his head and iiist.u
innents, However, as s.«>n as the
was informrd that our of Tin- Snndn;i T'i<l<lli-r.
£100 medallions had l»vn foun<l .--rr.-t.-.l in thr lining, In
quite undersUxxi UK- situation, ami was one of the Iirst t.
congralnl.it.- tin- fortunate tinder a chimney sweep, u.
-land, of thr nainr of KvvM n. (
From the Kr-n-ng Kne* : "Althoutrh wr arc willing t.
admit tliat tile lat«-.-t dc\i-l"piiicnt of thr ' Hidden Tn-asiirr
craze may entail a certain amount of inronvi-nii-nrr in
individual cases, we still think that the Royal
whose studio in St. .lohn's Wood was eo onoenmoBkradj
invade<l y.-st.-nl.iy aft«Tii.«.n. displayed an irritability ijuiti-
out of pniportion to the occasion. Kor, lM-yon.1 ripping open
one or two canvases on which he was engaged f- >r tin- Spring
Exhibitions, his visitors did little appreciable damayr. and
to call in the police and give the ringleaders into custody
surely nithrr a high-handed proceeding! Does Mr
BLANK, R.A., at all realise what a godsend even £100 may In-
to many of the I'lirniployed amongst us, and cannot he see
lhat to be identified by the People as 'A Mid-Victorian
VEUUQO'./. is no mean compliin.-nt rv.-n for ;m Acadrini-
'
__
ill do s«. I Vril. These Medallions are the Pro- a" '' As a matter of fact, so the proprietor of 27i. >
perty of The Sunday Tiddler, and our idea is Strictly Tiddler informs us, no medallion was ever secreted in any
Patented. We have the Highest Legal Authority for the "invaa, as his agents have the strictest instructions to respect
statement that Any C. -l.-l.rity d.-ilinr with on.- ..f our Me- "11 private property. Also the Painter really indicated by
dallions in any way calculated to interfere with the Mights ' *h»" clue was a totally different person. We cannot but
of our Routers will render himself liable to Criminal Pro- consider that too mud! fiisn has been made about what was,
r all, a paltry misunderstanding."
crrdings!
But of course mi C-lrbritv tcill act in this selfish and
short-sighted manner. He will have Sense enough to see
that we are giving him a FIIIST CLASS ADYKKTIHv
Mt NT. and he will Plav
\T|.i\ c»K THK
Kor we need SR.
the I niiiH> bv assisting us in the
PE01
that we are actuated by the
Highest Motives. We are'm* pandering to any utorbid
craving tar Unearned Riches. We are simply ind'u. -ing the
Democracy (through the medium <.f Literatim- s.i|»rior in
Style and Quality to Anything yet 1'rtMliHwl ' to take a more
• n*,»ll! * ' — * ..II I.. . I .
intelligent interest in the habiu'and |«-r~-n.di(irs ,,f it, F..re
nv s»
FromUu
that our
lay* latfr> : " S. it seems
•ll.-r-
just a trifle too
previous in chortling over the little im-idcut at Hinninglium
oo Monday last! In storming Mr. QuMKRUuxV platform
and compflling our only Statesman to escape by a bark . I- . -r
in the disguise of a baker, his audience, as has since been
satisfactorily explained, did not intend, after all. to suggest
that their views on Protection had undergone the slightest
modification. They were merely under an impression that
be was the •Heaven-born Politician' indicated in a certain
Sunday journal as the involuntary custodian of n
medallion, which was understood to have been
n
From thr St. J-m-f'n Gazrtte : " It is reassuring to hear that
the P-t 1,-r-te's injuries are not of so serious a nature as
was at first reported. Still, it must have been sufficiently
upsetting to find oneself, as he did yesterday i n Piccadilly,
-iid. I. -nly pounced upon by a crowd of perfect stnin-n-. mid
shaken violentlv, upside down, for several minutes. They
turned out t,, be merely 'Treasure-seekers' who had con-
cluded, from a 'due' in one of those serial fictions which
now provide our MiddleClasseswith their sole mental palxhnn
that the unfortunate L-r-te was the 'Greatest Living English
Poet down the back of whose neck a £100 medallion had
been surreptitiously inserted. We are bound to sav that
hough the search proved fruitless, the crowd bore their
sappomtment with considerable good-humour, whilr Mi
ALFB-D A-*T-N himself admitted that the mistake was a \.iv
natural one in the circumstances.
Sir I.w-s M-BR- l.-ft Kngland yesterdav afternoon. :,n.l
Will remain abnnd for some time."
h'rom The Ac-d-my and L-t-r-t-re : " We understand that
Mr Puna CJREWHX, F.S.A. (author of In Jaeyer CM
I UMM, Ihe h^littiesofa Vegetarian, and other
.rh«,ll probably be n-meiulM-nM b a ,,
prolmbly be rememlx>red by all who h-ivr
) is the writer of the letter in last M.'.ml.-r, \ T'nn,-,
"liKnant terms against the journal, -t,, ,,,,-thods
'•<.'/ l.ddltr as an outrage on the privacy and
M. .|,s m«u,shed hterary characters. al,,l .-omplauiinK
that I,,- cannot leave jus residence at Peckhai except
mler a utroiiff police eacort. r- . *
F. A.
PICKY BACK.
•dicing the Sixth Passage from the rclntonanalion of Pkklocl; Holes.)
THE STORY OF THE L\Mru<;iiTER.
IT was evening, a Sunday evening, in Maker Street. The
re nenrlv all lit, and the intellectual teatures ot the
,. architecture for which that Uioroughfare is cele-
were thrown into high relief by the ray. emitted
I,,, to™ of ih" somewhat inartistic lamp-posts that, bad
Htelv ilasl,ed into sudden HI,, as the swift loot of the lanip-
Ughter approached, stopped far a moment, and then rap,, Iv
,,,; in ]„, path of duty, boking neither to the nght
ortoiheleft but. likeatrue Imperial Briton, ever upward to
iaher thiiK- I'suallv the man went, forward alone: none
.,;,! ,,,lnlT,,w him in a process so frequently interrupted
,v the pauses required by the modern torch - bearer s
Ljoyment. lint on this particular Sunday evening those
v|,o kept their eyes open might have observed that, as he
aesed the house before which stood the twenty-seventh
imp-post the fnmt-door swiftly but quietly opened, ami
wo ligurps. heavily hatted and cloaked, emerged into the
nil" IP"!,, of Maker Street, and promptly tell into line behind
he unconscious but dutiful employe of the Gas Company
One of these figures was tall and thin ; its muscles seemed
made of steel; it had a pale, thoughtful and ascetic face ; r
forehead was high, its sentences were short, and its fingers
were lean, meditative and impressive. At a casual
dance it might have been mistaken for a prosperous under-
nker retired from the active pursuit of business, but still
taking an interest, in the mortuary arrangements of his
former rivals in the pall and coffin trade. A second and
more careful look might have convinced the observer that he
saw before him an "exiled Emperor, and it would have
required a third and a piercing scrutiny to prove that this
was none other than PlOKLQOK H.H.KS. With regard to the
second figure it is only necessary to mention that it was
addressed bv PICKLOCK HOLES occasionally as friend
IWso\" but more frequently aa "Tush! nonsense, or
•• Pooh, absurd." In fact, not to put too fine a point upon
it, it was me.
Yon mav ask what brought us into Baker Street on the
track of ii lamp-lighter on a Sunday evening m. mid-
February. The fact is, the town had lately been thrown
into a lever of excitement by a series of extraordinary and
hitherto inexplicable disappearances. All the victims— for
we could not doubt that in some sense they were victims of
somebody- were £>i the male sex, and what was even more
remarkable they were all grandfathers of an advanced age.
Mutters had been brought to a crisis this very morning by
the disappearance of Mr. PICKLOCK HOLES s own grandfather
on the mother's side, almost before the eyes of his grandson.
"This," said HOLES, when he realised that his grandsire
was unquestionably irone, "is too much," and he had at
once thrown himself into the detection of the crime with all
a sleuth-hound's ardour. As a first step he had called upon
me in my Baker Street lodgings, and had spent some hours
in planning out the process by which he intended to convict
the guilty. This was how his argument ran :—
"A grandfather," he began, "is not exactly like an
ordinary citizen. It may be assumed, I think, that he is no
longer in the first flush of his youth and beauty, and it is
therefore unlikely that a barmaid, for instance, or even a
chorus girl, will' have run away with him. By a further
process of elimination we arrive at the conclusion that only
an Italian marchioness (I spare you the steps by which
reach this point) can have had anything to do with it. But
mark my words ---then- tnr <il tlit* moment no Italian
marchionesses in London. What then? Remove the
marchioness and yon leave a void or vacuum. To (ill this
A HORSE-MARINE.
Clitl Way. " WELL, GOOD-SIGHT, ADMIRAL."
Warrior. " THERE'S A STUPID JOKE. ' ADMIRAL!' CAN'T Yor SEE MY
SIM us?"
Warj. " Oil, I TIIOTOHT THEY WERE YOUR T\VIN ScREWS.
in accordance with the preferences of nature you must select
a— hush ! 1 hear him passing."
It was at this moment precisely that, dragging me with
him, he dashed out of the front-door and Hung himself into
the chase of the lamp-lighter.
Before the next post was reached HOLES had closed upoi
his prey In a moment the man was bound and gagged
and hurled into a passing four-wheeler, which immediately
set off on its way to the family mansion lately inhabited by
Mr THOM\S BU.T'IMORE JUBLEV, HOLKS'S maternal grandparent.
I followed as fast as I could on foot. When I arrived I
witnessed a touching family scene. Old Mr. Jrm.EY himself
was standing in the drawing-room warmly embracing 1 ICK-
LOCK HOIJCS, who was shaken with an emotion to which he
rarely gave way.
" My boy my.lion-hearted boy," said Mr. JUMI.KY, you have
found'me." How shall I thank you ?" Then turning to me
he continued, "I was in bed; I overslept myseH, and had
but lately descended when PICKLOCK arrived."
After warmly congratulating both gentlemen, I withdrew,
fearing that even so intimate a friend as I was might be
de trop at such a moment.
I ought perhaps, to mention that we never heard anything
more of the lamp-lighter. HOLES had left him by mistake m
the cab which had driven off before any of us noticed it.
\Ve applied, of course, at the lost property "Dice at Scotland
Y-ird but all in vain. The cabman, with a lack of honesty
miusiial in his calling, had failed to deposit our lost captive,
and all further trace of him disappeared.
IT is confidently asserted that the .laps are " ivady to face
the Moujik."
--•
ITM II n|: TIIK L"\I>"N < II MMV MM.
TO BCAB TOt ''\ I
1
"Tmoir KIXU.T. Mm— BIT I R'AIX'T K> ma'su WKUTKO IT n Sow!"
AILUG ACM*, Jon. I urn BOD roc DOW KUIUTUXO nxm THE RBCTOBY. How wocui tot MM.
"TRICKS OF THK HIUIX."
on / intvorpiM ion in
DEAB MB. Pntoi.— It w really quite
• oanuooa experience to be seeing, hear-
ing, saying, doing, i.r filing for the
fint time what you think you nave Men,
heard, mud. done or frit already aame
time before. Let me give '«
I was walking down Piccadilly for
the fint time to-day, and in a normal
state of mind — of course I have traversed
this street before in my life, but what
I want to say U. that I usually go up
and down Piccadilly seven! times in
the course of the day, bat this occasion
was the fint of these perambulations—
when I met a great number of people
1 didn't know, and aD at once it dashed
happened to me at least once before.
I immediately prscognised that I WM
'. . , I
Again, I encountered Daowy. whose
remarks I may say are rather stereotyped,
on the platform at Victoria the other
day (I run up alumni him atxmt
in two years). Th«- moment I wtw him 1
felt lie was going to Ray. " Well, and
how's the world treating you?" and
no sooner were the words out of his
iii»uth, than I nmld have swnrn I
had heard him ask the same question
before. How do you explain this«xtra-
rdinarj phi : at p • I
Then as to*preeh in ttmneetion with
tricks of the brain, I was telling
last Monday I nwwt him regularly in
the Club smoking-room— my great anec-
dote (about the speech of the Bashful
Bridegroom) which I learnt at Bch<»l ,,,
'79, and when I had got three-quarters
through I caught a look in his eye
which instantly gsre me the impression
that I had told htm the story previously.
Was this an hallucination or not ? I am
ordinarily most careful to let each person
have it only onoe, and there are heaps
of psople in London still whom I haven't
yet buttonholed for the purpose.
'. re.Kurding the apparent mental
rejiotition of an net, just a ser'md a^ii I
was scratching my head while inditing
these We T.|S to viii a%d seeking to frame
my ideas in the most lucid ami lieaiitiful
language, and it was borne in n|»>n nu-
thai I was, after nil, repeat ing m\
whether as to the titillatic.M I.f the
cranium or the search for expression I
am not quite clear, but it all helps to
prove my point, whatever it i>.
Lastly, as to matters of fa-Hity, I
dreamt a few nights ago that I xva-.
flying through a sky full of brickbats
on a pink-eyed octopus pursued by a
Qneco-Roman bamtorgao, a pair of
hard-boiled boxing-gloves, and a feed-
ing-bottle on the limit for hidden
treasure, when I felt certain that some-
thing was going to happen. Sure
enough, I awoke with a start and lound
mv alarum in the act of going off.
I could gi ve many furt IP r iii-t;incesfor
brain specialists to wrestle with, but at
present will content myself by remaining
• ns supranormally, I ' ••» n< >-i-.
PUNCH, <>i; TIIK LONDON CIIAIJIVAItl. KKHIMMO .",, I'.IOI.
THE FIKST LOED OF THE HIDDEN TREASURY.
THE RIGHT Hoy. ARTH-R B-LF-R. " WELL, IF THEY FIND THIS, IT WON'T BE THROUGH ANY CLUE
I'VE GIVEN THEM!"
FKIIIII \in .">, I !«i I.
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CIIAIM YAI5I.
85
OPENING OF THE "DUMP PARLIAMENT," 1904.
ARRIVAL OF THE "LORD PSOTBCTOS."
0] GENTLE SLEEP!
[The Rev. Dr. BIOELOW, in The Mystery of
Sleep, propounds a new theory to explain the
phenomenon. Here is the book in brief.]
SLEEP mere repose ? What ! Think
you, man
Must spend a third of his brief span
In order that he may repair
The daily waste of wear and tear ?
Perish a thought which speaks so ill
Of Nature's economic skill !
For such a shocking waste of time
There could he one name only — -crime.
Rest? Nature rests not. Does the sun
Sleep when his daily course is run?
Do the stars nod, or does the stream
Pause in its ceaseless course to dream ?
No, rest is nothing — just a sound
For that which is not to be found,
An idle word, a breath of air,
For rest exists not anywhere.
Then what is sleep ? A dispensation
For psychical regeneration,
Its end and object to refresh
The earth-worn spirit, not the flesh.
If in this sordid world the mind
Was always cabined and confined,
Seeing alone the sin and woe
We mortals witness here below,
How could it but become as base
As its unholy dwelling-place ?
No, when we sleep the soul flies free
To realms 110 fleshly eye may see,
And passing swiftly through the air
Communes with purer spirits there,
Till, having tasted the ideal,
'Tis strong once more to face the real.
You may not, when the morning light
Scatters the visions of the night,
Remember all the thoughts that teemed,
Sublime, inspiring, while you dreamed ;
You may instead recall some freak
Of foolish fancy : flesh is weak,
And will not always play the game,
As one may put it ; — all the same,
Your " nobler faculties " were kept
At their employment while you slept.
What proof of this ? you ask me. Take
Your happy temper when you wake.
You laugh to hear the housemaid's
knock;
How welcome sounds her " Eight
o'clock ! "
How joyfully you lift your head !
How nimbly do you leap from bed !
However loth the sun to rise,
The world is rosy in your eyes.
You are again a careless boy —
The bath is bliss, the shave is joy.
And when, through January gloom.
You seek the cheery breakfast-room,
What mirth is there, what sparkling wit
As o'er the ham and eggs you sit !
Kach fresh from his refining dream
Bids gay good humour reign supreme,
And none are ever cross or shirty
At that angelic hour, eight-thirty.
LONDON'S RADIO-ACTIVITY. — The state-
ment that London is built largely upon
radium has now been capped by the
discovery that the Houses of Parliament
are full of " N-rays," chief of whom is
Sir N-EAY
1TM !! ..i: THK LONDON < !l\i;i\ MM.
1904.
THE MUD.
• •/ tin Star /V
.r
Who had btW. ! Ihr I'.
paeauur along Pier..
•>* windows
*. the ni.
, .
A* our readers are aw <-nge
•boat three IN*. Happily the L
- • • • : . --.'.-•.
van at the comer of K
by
ing.
Of
to it WM saved from drown-
WM ka« fortunate, and
in Pall Mall.
About eleven o'clock in the morning
an elderly gentleman, who had arrived
by train from the country and WM
unaware of the condition of the Strand,
stepped out briakly from Charing Cross
Station and instantly disappeared. A
policeman, with a rope tied round hi*
waist, gallantly plunged in, and after
heroic efforts, assisted by information
from spectators on >the top of an omnibun,
succeeded in finding the old gentleman.
Pluckilv grasping his collar, the police-
man held on bravely to the upper part
of a lamp-post, and WM soon rescuea by
some of the station officials mounted on
the roof of a four-wheeled cab. The old
gentleman at first uaed regrettably
strong language, but after the present
condition of all the London streets had
been described to bun be remarked that
it WM different when beams a boy, and
that, tin mgh they might call •
infernal vestry a 'corporation. I.
WM simplv going to the dogs. Then
he banded a rather moist five-pound
note to the policeman, and retired to a
bath-room of the hotel.
Rather earlier in the day some mem-
bers of the Stock Kxrliange Hidden
Treasure Hunt, after wading down
Ludgate Hill, with their speriully-
trained otter hound*, attempted •
ceed along Fleet Street. They were
reamed with the greatest difficulty.
ropes and life I- It, bring thrown t«>
then from the neighbouring booses.
Some of the bound* escspeo
ming into the offices of
Tdeynptt. It is needless lo |- .
the fonlhardineM of such attempt*.
Although the continued depression in
the City may excuse these efforts to
s greatly ditmni.h.-d in-
.
London tides are -,
•!>o time <
In the afternoon one of the new l»fty
motor -cars, »pr.
. i .-• 1 •
•ii* observe the
buoy speciallr fixed by the Trinity
House on the hoarding at the corner of
.•ton Street, where the roadway w
-ing repaired. As it waa about
the time i
also a apring tide, the boarding itself
wreck. The Bond Street slush-escape WM
it out with -pl.-ndid promptitude,
and the two ladies in the car, M well 08
the driver, were happily rescued from a
muddy grave.
THE INNER CIRCLE.
["A Count***." writing in Ttu Oullooti.
•MM last nowaday*, to the majority of people
--•-..••. • i':-:-.:;-
eaet of Carlloo Hooae Terrace, eonth of Eaton
Square, or wert of Prince'* Gate i* unfuhion-
ag much beyond the»e confine* i«
aa efort ; far brrond. an excunion. There i*
a wild w«t in Earl* Court, and a highly
napectable north *bore Hyde Park, bat they
don't come within the range of practical
! Jon SAHI u. SMITH, tin- |>lut<icrat,
Elite i.f the rlitt,
One,- ..<'ti|,|,-,| a n.iiny flat
In rpju-r ItliioiiiNhtiry Stni-t.
In thi w far daVK of li,-t .i.-li^lit
Two friends ne luul in t-mn ;
m- KIIJMI T"\iKiv- hight,
'Hi.- (ith.r. HiAin Hi:<>
i Years SJUNI. ami notliiiiK <imlil
Tlu- light (if fru-iiiMii]. - Kiii.
Till SMITH. aLi- -.un ti|i».
I'lmiK' •! '}•••]•. ami in. i. !•• a pile.
'1'iiiw in " Kallir I^ine."
The Mnart.-t he c<iiil<| find,
Ami, 1'iilveri-iiiK fri>'inl~hi|i'8 chain,
I>-ft Ixith his rhillns lN-hini|.
no man ought to endanger hi*
lift, or the lives of the local Ufeboat-
by endeavouring to walk along any
-"*•**. It H true that than
believed that it WM at*
of low mud. wberen* h WM neurlv
He had, it must be understi.-l,
•••«\e untrue ;
Forlta>W\ had said the I ..I.
Ami TOUKIVS hi-lp«il him thnnigh.
And even KNOWS- and TOMKINS thought
He il done the proper thing.
I'ntil they found their friend was caught
Within tin- fatal ring.
v. Fair Fortune's pampered child-
SMITH dwell. .., lonely state,
TOMKIXS hugs the Bowling wild
.lu-t w«-»t of I
tiger can he sally forth
I SHOWN V suburban lair.
d north.
Two doors from Portman S|
THE TORTURE.
lir.i\ri l«ire out I he Mnmg,
..,.11- iu.ui from the wigwam.
Without tlinehing lie had i-mlureil i-\er\
refinement "f torture to which his callous
captors had !«•• u alile 1" >ul>jivt him.
be l-liieked
out. hi* noae to b«' cut off. his every
ti»lh !•> lie drawn ; vet n» \\nrd had he
lire.ithed which KOud U-trav the \\herc-
III^ fi-«'t had
been pbced agam-t h- .t irons, he had
been cut with knives, his M-alp was
gone ; yet he made no sign.
•i he had l>een Ixirue forth and
chained upright to a IP-.-. I tui no
The strong man was
Mill "captain of his soul." When
he had boon l«>uml. the braves drew
together in earnest c-oncl.i\. How was
this mute Paleface to be coiiipell.-d t-.
apeak, to reveal what he knew ?
••IT hi- arm." said one.
"Hi« legs," said another.
Then a grey, wi/em-d old chieftain
who, until now, had been silent, drew
near. A hush came over the aBBomlily
M it observed that he would speak.
The old man knew that his reputation
M a p-iiiier of cruelties WM at Btak<- .
never before had anyone been proof
against his hideous arU.
Itut now he felt that he had met a
new kind of man. He must rise to the
utmiwt of his powers or fail utterly.
" Hnives," he cried. "The 1'aleface
has resisted every torture. Neither lost*
of limb, loss of sight, burnings or
brandings have moved him. But there
>~ one ihnii.' yet may be done."
He patted ML.'tiiticantly, and an ex-
(N-ctant thrill went through the assem-
l-ly a- it marked that even the old chief
him-clf -cvincd to shrink from naming
the last dread alternative. Then, while
his duskv audience was aching with the
ten-ion, lie went on :
'Let some brave come forward and
let him draw near to the car of the
Paleface. And then let the l>ra\.
him let him sing 'Hiawatha ! ' "
A piercing shriek of anguish rent the
:iir. The pri~>ner had overheard.
"No! im! no! Not (hat ' Oh. spare
me thai," he cried. " I will tell you all,
all. all- hut spare me that ! '
Then hi-, \oiiv failed, and the |..
lookiag sjiw that in hi- terror he had
suimm-d away. The o|,| chief turned
to the others. Then- WM .1 li-hl of
triumph in h, ! i,;lt u;n ,),..,„.
him, when he comes to," he said.
Ir i- ho,*nl that the Duke of I'OIMI >M.
••ay to lecture before the
opmbtned memben oi the I^mdon Mi-
sioiia- .,nd the- .Im-key ('lull oil
the Mibj.vl ' "TilH-t or not Ti'bet."
IM,,,,, -v,«v 3, 1904.] ITNC'H, OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
87
THE MEREST ACCIDENT.
.S/if. " So TOO FAILED IN TOOK VIVA VOCB EXAM. ? "
//('. "YES; BUT IT WAS PURELY FBPM ABSENCE OF MlKD."
ITM II M|; mi-; I...MH.N r|| \|;|\ \|;|.
1904.
BOOKING-OFFICE.
OUR
K the course uf re.idn^- aple
.....]•. t.Jd by
SAKAI Tvma. the Huron wondered whether the talented
I, '!..,:
days of the little I'nu.-.- ..f Wai.*
way. and if so, whether,
• . • • • ,
Rosea " (su ui.
-*a")on t
K-irl. the oncer lover, the mamag<
IXAJJOT (here Captai
the Transvaal !. the welcome !
sbasncu (rork<>.| in 1
than the sad news of the husband's death on the Ve
turns out to be just as false as was the report
termination of QKMOB D AIJ»>V * martial career at the battle-
of the Alum. — are not these coincidence- diflicul-
Skua . v
MS** «••«.• **» it tirst — ttittt ft
all- But there are three other charmina sisters, and t heir>
. t • • •
e four
n In-.
:
the fatal
ha* nothing «h.it."..-r in common
mil ; a* the " .. in the lattc
„•. while iln- "n in the former i> |.ri.u.iiiii>
then m.iy !»• t.iken to meat
:-.•!!,' the snl»t.lllti\e lleiliL; di-rned froll
' ' 'ii'-i> ' were a number of thinkers whi
• Hinted themselves a .!• luiin^ elnli entitling it-.-ll Y.
Ancient Society <.f '
history i .f thin same
An interesting :m.l
ancient s.«-u-t\. ln.ni 17."..". I . I '.Hi.1',. ha-,
THE
HA If ON
toe Alma,— are not these ™^'1i'nCTt difiVul
for except on Ifr. Pufi ingenuous theory that
happened to hit on the same idea ? and t
this instance Ton Roanrmw) "made use <
Hut there are three other charming sisters, and thei
is quite another story which makes very pleasant reading.
The welcome which, at first sight, the Baron was inclined
to give to Th» IitgoUbby Country. ILutPEH ( A
BUCK), is of a less enthusiastic character than he would other-
wise have accorded it had its author restrained himself from
ooraaionally indultfini: in certain expressions of strong
sectarian feeling, utterly out of place in such a work, and
very foreign to the generous spirit of the Rev. RICHARD
BAOUX, who had a sincere reverence for all that men of various
opinions hold sacred, while nn»l>le to restrain himself fruni
psxBJstaBt^raci-inu the burlesque side of | and
expres»iiit; it in eccentric. jin«lin«, rhythmical vcr*e. With
the Rev. FRAXK MAH-.M f" Father Prnwr,11) the sweet aingi
riah verse, admirable classic and finished scholar, Rinnin.
UUUM ahared the mantle of Rabelaisian humour. mutually
n .xii i< .KIIIIIII .--• •» i' i * . lli'lll 1 I t /«/ l ' ' i. "'.I, I Ji l^
bean compiled and writl. n by l'i in: I.'viii..n. and illustrate.
with some delightful little sk. -tch. •- h\ llu:l<llil I 'l -. II -K^
and *<•• • • • Dei l.y <!. If. I'.NIK-R. II. Sr. (iiom.i: an.
.'li..r. It i- published by SIMI-KIS. .\hlisim.i. A ( '..
LTD. Hy literary men. whether politicians or not, by journal
i~ts and hy all mil-rested in journalism. this Ix^.k will Ix
found Uith entertaining ami instructive. The r.-,-. .,-.1 i-
-;lit up to October 31, IU03,
and it is therein suggested by
mmittee that, " The So-
ciety having been found.. I in
.'. inuary, 1 7">."i. next January-
would be a fitting time to cele-
brate in some way the com-
mencement of the fourth half
century of its car The
Baron, as an ex-cogitator, in beg-
k'inK leave to support that pro-
gresses his hearty wish
for the continued success of
The Cogers of Cogers Hall."
lil*UU«ll , llIKtJ 11.111 \
Jivided between tin- jwir of them. P».i T ix.min^ ii< f,,r the
port of the rotfuisl, nld Canon's r..U-. and both habits
Jeing cleaned, scoured, sweet-scented, and cut to suit the
fashion of the d.-,y. H.mev.-r. Mr. HVKI-JJ.S b..,k isa most
ileasant sndda to the Isle«..f Bbeppeyand Tham-t.and to the
xjunty of Kent, from Gbaterbory to Rye, as well it should U-.
seeing that Mr. HAVEI has been hurpinv on Mich themes for
many years, and has given to the traM-lliu^ w,,rld books
lescripUve of ti. „ R.,,,|. the I'c.rtsn th R.«d, the
Jover Road, and some ei^ht or nine other roads, so t
t7^in*«°( bu»«D«*1- be has well earn^l for himself the title
of The Colossus of Roads. Pleasant it is for the stud
Ingoldsby to identify the haunU of TV • 7,i/,;.,,,..
MM •.. • i . • . .1 I »...!. .. .1. ... I /r " r t , , ,
-muggier » :
'), to visit th
...ally to dump
w-itli Iiiirnldhby. to gi
vulgar boy," and ask
'Hue. arrives, an Imjuldi-1
ith this *rork for a guide would give a good week's
... -
THE VAGARIES OF MISS PRIM.
rvbody was surprised the other day to learn that there were
1 Boers m Cobs, but it appears there was a mistake in i<
Thf number in not 3000 ; it is 3 ? "—Wettmiiuter Oaiette.']
Tin: friends of Mr. RAPHAO. LCNV, the poet, were a-i ..nished
to learn that r.1,000 copies of his latest book of verse, / '/»/,»-
fionii from the Uvula, had been sold. On inquiring at the
publishers it was discovered that the initial figm, M well
mUwo of the noughte had crept in l,\ mistake.
i? proprietor of the Half-penny Handglass was much
(stressed recently by the announcement that the circula-
tion ..f the DttHy Meda&ton had gone up to 300. It should
of course, have been 3,000,000.
The allegation that the I Like of |lK\oNs,,|,,K recently went
round the Cha.sworth links in 19 strokes lias clici,.,! ,,,
SSlSbuUW Ule D°ble amateur- The correct 1"""'"-r
The statement that the English cricketers dropped Hcatches
No'oTwho h, WM 8r°88 ^ -inaccurate' Tht>>" droPP«l 13-
'
Cap'n Tommy Bowles.
. may hii| |-i. i.. be acquaint..! with the a
>"•«, ' "M codger." would S,H-U
' " •'•«« «|«'ll by (ib>R<;r iin
• ' . • • / . -. ; . ,
rbymes rodqrr with -Roott," ai. ,. ,
wenty years later. d,.l ,i,,,ut,,r i
n in
•
•v it appearx
.
'-I'
, '
l»".-lf largd; responsible br
"•!-»-„!, l,,m,e||
with • «ngl
land p-ntl..,,!,.,,, ,,, u.,]k ou."
-t'/'f. ,n !!„• " :*
3, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON HI A 111 YAK I.
89
•
TOILET TRAGEDIES.
(Tin tin- Expert Wrhilil<-r.
J',\i;(;V Tlfoi S|.;HS AM) llriJ.IMI SlIIRT-
FBOHT8.
PATHKTIC appeals lor counsel reach me
almost hourly from wearers of baggy
trousers in all parts of the United King-
ilnni. except, perhaps, I he Highlands.
The disease, though without cure, is not
without remedy. There arc, of course,
many varieties of trouser-stretcher and
press, none of which, in my experience,
e.xcels the inexpensive device
of placing the garment, care-
fully folded, under the
mattress at night and sleep-
ing upon it. I say "carefully
folded " advisedly, because I
remember that once, when I
was in Leicestershire, shoot-
ing with the Quorn, I inad-
vertently folded my evening
trousers the wrong way, and
was a laughing stock for the
remainder of my stay. The
benefits conferred \ipon one's
trousers by a night, even a
long night, are, however, soon
undone the next day, in ihe
storm and stress of bending
the knees when walking or
sitting. The only wrinkle I
can offer against this is the
adoption of the plan invented
by an ingenious friend of
mine, who fills the ends of
each trouser — the part which
is usually turned up — with a
plentiful supply of buck-shot.
This serves to keep the
trousers continually taut.
Finally, I need hardly im-
press upon all who wear
tn nisers the importance of
keeping the legs as still' as
possible, and refraining under
any provocation from kneel-
detachable ruffs, but I know that, there
is a certain prej ndice amongst the smart
set against the use of these subst it utes.
\Vll\T \ < ilAII.F.MAN SIMM It MIVI'.l: III!
WIT1IOI r.
It is typical of the best people that
In any case do not have cuffs of rellu- they are ready I'm- any emergency,
loid : besides, there is always the danger. Mot herwit, tact, and general "savvy'1
supposing you are warming your hands count i'or a good deal, but equipment
at the fire, toasting niuHins, or lighting must not be altogether disregarded, and
an Absolute h'lora, that the cull's will the demands of civilisation increase with
ignite. If then your cuffs are frayed, every year that passes. 1 am led tomake
tlie only remedy I can suggest is to snip j these remarks by the request constantly
them
neatly with
The process
sharp pair of received that I will enumerate the art ides
1 admit, is like which no gent]. 'man's pockets should be
that of administering stimulants to a without. To reply is not difficult.
dying man, but I can think of none
Auntie (to little niece, aged sewn, who has been left temporarily in
in"' on the ground or sitting c'""'?e of brother, aged three). "WELL, ErfiE DEAR, I HOPE YOU HAVE
i ® , m7I7XT rtnl'M? 1 M/VTT1I?D Trt HIM WtJIT C* Aft'lfUV 'a WPFV A IV I V "
To begin with, no man should be
without his latch-key, as other-
wise there is always a certain
risk about returning home
late, and I have noticed that the
best people are more and more
inclined to postpone the hour
for retiring to their downies.
Besides, servants are notori-
ously heavy sleepers, and I
have more than once, after a
heavy night at Bridge, found
it impossible to wake my man,
and have had, in consequence,
to spend the small hours in
the Tube, or leaning against
a hot-potato barrow.
Next to the latch-key comes
money. Notes are best car-
ried in a card-case, though
there is much to be said for
the practice invented by a
crony of mine, of secreting
them in the lining of a silk
hat. This plan, however,
does not answer very well in
the summer, as it is apt to
make the notes limp, and the
moral impression created by
a banknote is practically ml
unless it crackles. I remem-
ber my old friend Sir WALDO
PENIBANK remarking at a
Queen's Hall concert to which
I had taken him, that there
was no melody in the world
in the narrow seats of the
BEEN QUITE A MOTHER TO HIM WHILE MUMMY 's BEEN AWAY.1
Effie.. " OH YES. AUNTIE DEAR, I HAVE ! I 'VE SMACKED HIM THREE
cheaper parts of the theatres. TIMEg »
Bulging shirt-fronts are less
to touch the sound of a crisp
banknote.
Gold should, of course, be
carried in a sovereign case con-
easily tackled. My own practice is towear | other. The application of cold cream taining no fewer than ten of these useful
a very tight-fitting vest next my skin, to | will cause the loose ends to lie dormant " yellow boys," but it creates a good
which 1 get my man to fasten the sides! for a while; but it is not, an absolute impression to have a few loose with
vour silver, so that wlieii you put your
hand in your pocket you bring up one or
of my shirt-front with a few strong cure.
stitches. These keep it fairly flat. As for the even more trying-case of
Another way is to fasten a considerable enlarged buttonholes, snipping is ob- two. If you must carry bronze, it is best
weight to the tab. But best of all, per- viously of no use. Here the only thing to keep it in your revolver pocket, or in
haps, is to get your rnan to laco them to be done is to buy bigger studs. If a special pocket in the back of the waist-
anyone devises a plan for reducing the , coat, though 1 prefer to reserve that for
size of an enlarged buttonhole he will j my snuff-box. Personally I do not snuff,
! be a true benefactor to the human I but the habit is coming into fashion
up at the back.
WHAT TO DO WITH FBAYED CUFFS.
One of the greatest trials to which a family. Holes on the instep of evening again, and I find the box useful for
course be surmounted by wearing a is not easily removed without the iise of in a patent chest-protector which gives
n ti'.-.i / , *. • i * — •*• •_•*.••«
flannel shirt with a "dickey" and sandpaper or pumice stone.
the figure that beautiful pigeon-breasted
•<
l-l Ni I! OR THK LONDON ' II.MMWIM.
I'.HM.
rff.vt
(TV
turn by jvnitrwd rradMm. Ha i* aotkng if
your dii
I'rouaeraahoald
Alien the
, .1 near i
• aorood •
Bit
• • •
okiu "ii your gmil-ooat.
Ku\»>r Ixorim. \\
;, th«- odirr day. in U
I noticed that he uaed an ambr!
holder
• •
wearing eren-
Ireaa the handki -i y be
carried in the ruff, but .- t inside the
-
Lumum GATK. — Opera hate at
wedding* are not de riynrur.
EMOI i: 3IIU.lMN.MKKS.
Av ! itx.
\ .
U> -iiinu- in tin'
librmr
U a little
like » : iiuin. Mm port -
pride, hi* apen-h nw>n- ami
Mr*. CAT regard* him with the onupla-
«i-noe of » irer ••saniiiiiii.
.
Mr. \\ An<l \ou remember my first
flow far off it Menu!
Mr* i' A* far aa fmm the reception
n'lii i" I|K lihrnry.
Mr U Y..-I kmiw better tlmn that
I 'in not tin- mime. Then I won in-t .1
pbin null i 1 urn n phi Ian
throtMirt, a world-figure, a friend of
nnt'lit hnve Iwn more.
If you had taken my advice yon would
now be a Queen'* hu»bund.
Mr \\'. That '• HO. that 'a an. Hut
none of the marriageable Queena on tbe
lint you gave me wuM <)<>. Titty
Quecna in aneh a amall w»y of buai
Am), to be honest, thry ili<ln't like me.
t .-n after they knew buw 1 atood in
with the Kmprror \Viu itw
Tberare^ • «,'.ieena.
rnrt«Dae«er«w. I onK
. n. ..ii-li with nor talk
catioii and marriaA0. And f
,- waa
h pretty
a gui~w uli.it she ».iid?
,'ui i|iieen-
"ild *Lind mi-,
i never In- m S
Milk '.'
Wild
..••lid pill
the l.iblc. and drink whisky
•ni cup. but that New York
WJIMI ' d and not
barharoua — iiiM rich.
Vr. d-.ir friend, I c.innot
f inexjiericiicv. but this
have beard " rich "
! of
Vr. M'. Same here.
Mr. \V\ri i>: get* up. walks about
-nlv then cornea to a halt in front
U See here, Mrs. CAT. I did
f thinking roiiiini: home on the
atauner. I said to myself. " W\rn>: ..."
•ii call yourself by
your first name ?
.Wr. U'. No. but v.ni can. if you like.
I said to invM-lf. " \Vhat you want
ic-an woman for a wife. »oine lop
r who umlerslands business.
hose position's doubtful
in Si-ieiy, nor one who hasn't sense
enough to aeo that the only real kind of
aristocrat hasn't got to have family or
miinners. or even money though I 've
got r he only real aristocrat 's
the man who's naturally the boss, no
matter where you put him.
.Wrx ' '. You. for example.
Wr M Me. ..f DOOM. Well, what
do \ou nj
.Wr*. (''. I 'II try U) find aomebod) .
Wr. U' Haven't anyone in rour head ?
.Wr
Vr. HV Well. I'm durned. This is
an offer of marriage.
Mr*.*' Tome'' You 'n* joking.
Vr. H' You're what 1 want an
Amen. - • ty working-woman. I
said to m\s.-lf on the boat, " Aak the
Will
.Vr*. C 'Hie Widow CAY! Hut
my . . . Well, I don't say no. (iive
me a little time. You have- how many
millions?
Vr. H'. I'll bring you a achedule of
a atrictlr one-hone abow
Mr, i-
m> | iimrrow.
Mr* <• If I a.o-pt 1 nhall drive a
hard bargain.
Mr. \\. That's all right. You 'U tiiul
me an easy mark. I don't HI;:
you're marrying me for the fun of th-
thing.
Mn. C. People will laugh at us, don't
Wr H What nf it, n long U they
eat oar dinner*?
And then, you MS-, I 'm
happy enough t
Mr. M". That reminds me. ^"nu must
:ip tln> tiling lhi> millionaires'
Irainim: srhool.
MI-K. < '. Why ''. ll 's rather yimd fun,
ami it '.» the IH-.-I -«li'-'l <-f tin kind in
.Wr. H. dial '-. juM it. I ain't guing
to have any mop' li'llow, like m- i-omini;
•Tom Id.dio "i Mint. ma or Colorado
and bucking Uguinsl me in tlii~ S«-iety
liii!>ine>». I wnl stand it. II I ni.inv
Mm I kill tli- most clanc'Ton- kind of
competition. The only man you train
will 1>- 1'oMH - Wn 11 i . And 1 '11 j-o
far. with you |o li.ick me.
C, 1 ' i \"U mind my a-kintr if
that's the reason you wish m- to marry
yon ?
Mr. H'. Alxiut twenty live IHT rent,
that. About twenty Jive JMT i-ent.
your position and emciency. Ai.
twenty -live or thirty your |«
charni.
Jtfrn. ' '. That makes eighty jx-r rent.
And the r.
Mr. \V. 1 haven't figured it «> •
i know to morrow.
Well perhaps. Com- early
— about thri-e.
Mr. H". Three sharp. (lood-bye.
Mrs. Co. 1,'ft alone, contemplates the
ceiling with a little ].-r|.l
C. (to herself). "The Widow
C\v"l! . . . I wonder what made him
think me a widow? ... I shall have
Ut go to Dakota and tret a divorre from
EtOXAIA.
0. P. OOSSIIV
Tut: end of the close season at the
Savoy Theatre will be marked by the
production of Tin- //>tv liinlx. ' We
would suggest that Sir WM.TI.I; I'vi.-inir
be encaged to lead the orchestra.
Topical allusions seem to be ^
out of fashion. " JOHN Sn:\\i,i: WIMII:"
wi«hes it to be iind.'fsto,»| that the
name of h-r new play. '/'/ «, has
no pulitical signitiranre. and that the
refrri'iiit- to the Knglish climate which
has been discovered in her p-n-name is
purely fortuitous.
The I/ird ( Chamberlain ha\ in_- in-i.~i-d
that the name of a n-u |-l.i\ entitled
Thl White Slant* of h,n<l«n should IK'
I " liecaiiM- theiv ar- im ~la\e- in
London," we feel juslilieil iii announcing
the Following revi>i.,n- .!/;,-, i/n-n,,./li
ili<- h->l;i,l:, <il,i** will IM- known in
futim- as . . ,,,„ bd-anx. jt is
obviously impossible to g.'t through a
knking-glaM ; and .1 chin,-.-,, H, „„-,,-
moonisto be called .1 <7Mm.-r /',/,
>l»f>. since, (is K knows, a
pi-iituted honeymoon.
in China, can only run for a month.
FEBRUARY 10, 1904.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAi!!.
91
A SOIREE AT OLYMPIA.
IT was indeed a Graeco-Roman evening,
or rather, a. Terrible -Greeko-Turko -
Russian gathering, with » very strong
flavouring of most other nationalities
thrown in, with the accent on the
thrown. We had a Grseco-Roman time
of it, getting into the huge building,
while seven thousand other competitors
were endeavouring, pretty well simul-
taneously, to shove - in - as - shove - can.
However, once inside the arena under
the genial direction of the American
manager, Mr. CHARLES S. WELLS, we
were enabled to secure front seats, with
plenty of elbow-room and no "half-
nelsons." Then, under the glare of
thirty arc lights touching one another
in a row half round the "ring" — which
was an elevated square with sloping
carpeted sides for wrestlers who couldn't
help it to toboggan down — we sat in
comfort and marveUed.
First the troupe of the Terrible Greek,
ANTONIO PIERRI, took the floor at eight
o'clock. The Alarming Spaniard,
CHORELLA, after a spill-and-tumble of
eighteen minutes' duration, beat the
Bewildering Belgian, LE MEUNIER. For
part of the time the latter was teetotum-
ing on his head, walking like a wheel-
barrow on his hands, or wiping the
perspiration off his brow on the
Spaniard's back. The next bout was
between two Formidable Englishmen,
J. WHISTLER and T. BARKER, who caught-
as-catch-could until the former upset his
opponent in about nine minutes ; where-
upon CARROLL the Dreadful and FOURNIER
the Fearsome had a "fall" (which was
no fall, but ended inanentenfe cordiale)
for the space of ten minutes.
ThenTcame the event of the evening.
Mr. FRANK GLENISTER proclaimed with a
megafunnel to the four corners of the
earth that between the Terrible Turk
MADRALI and the Leonine Russian
HACKENSCHMIDT there were to be three
bouts, and no "rolling fall" would be
allowed, but only a "fair pin fall."
True enough, you could have heard a
pin fall in the breathless silence of
expectation ere the arrival of the Two
Tremendous Ones at 9 P.M. MADRALI
with his top-knot, wherewith to be
hauled into Paradise, and the little
black leather charm around his neck,
came first, accompanied by his seconds,
TOM CANNON and PIERRI ; a minute later
" HACK," with his Teutonic supporters,
KOCH and GRUHN, and Mr. DUNNING the
referee. A handshake followed, and
then came 44 seconds of distinctly
crowded life and a dislocated elbow for
the SULTAN'S champion. Has it not all
been recorded already in the Press (an
appropriate word)? When the next
Appalling Encounter occurs, may we be
there to wrestle with it — on paper !
THE MAGIC WORD.
Huntsman Qiavlng run a fox to ground, to yokel). " Rus AWAY DOWN AND OET SOME o'
FELLOWS TO COME UP WITH SPADES, WILL YE ? TELL 'EM WE 'BE AFTER HIDDEN TREASURE ! "
"LIKE AS WE LIE."
THE Editor of the Spatchcock requests
us to give prominence to the following :
THE "SPATCHCOCK" GREAT NEW
COMPETITION.
£1,000 ONE THOUSAND POUNDS.
It gives us great pleasure to announce
that, fresh from our recent competition
triumphs, we have prepared a new
contest which we believe will surpass
anything ever previously placed before
the public.
We offer then the sum of One Thou-
sand Pounds to the person who can tell
THE BIGGEST LIE
with reference to any subject which the
competitor may select.
N.B. — No member of our staff will be
permitted to compete.
No COUPON is REQUIRED,
but every attempt must be accompanied
by a cutting from the fiscal statistics
which appear in our columns.
You may possibly imagine that you
have as little chance in such a competi-
tion as the late GEORGE WASHINGTON. Do
not be discouraged. Look around you.
Study our Japanese intelligence. Read
Mr. CROSLAND on Woman. Ponder the
anecdotes of your American friends.
You will get a hint somewhere. Then
Tell Your Lie.
A Competitor may send in any num-
ber of lies, but if, having sent in his
first lie, he wishes to TELL ANOTHER, he
must forward a second cutting.
VOL. CXSVI.
92
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 10, 1904.
ARTHUR J. BALFOUR, WAR LORD.
[In view of the proposed7military changes, Mr. BALFOUR is said to b
qualifying for the position of Chairman of the Defence Committee by
course of tuition at the hands of an. Army crammer.]
THE gifts that Heaven on Man bestows
Are more than at first he might suppose ;
Myself I hadn't included Mars
Among my various natal stars,
But always imagined I had to cope
With a merely civilian horoscope.
Early I found that I could pitch
Better than most in a bunkered ditch ;
Early I saw my powers cut out
For dealing with Philosophic Doubt :
But I shouldn't have said I was fashioned for
The perilous post of a Lord of War.
It came but lately within my ken.
That 1 was a natural Leader of Men ;
Still later I found that I was made
Ivxpressly to probe the laws of Trade :
But I never surmised by the inward sense
My singular talent for Home Defence.
It 's true I had shown that mounted forces
Might be crippled for want of horses,
But nobody guessed from that one fact,
Proof though it was of martial tact,
That I could assume the nation's sword
A- au ex ojficio .First War Lord.
Duties of so select a kind
F always approach with an open mind :
For matters there are of grave concern
Which even a layman lias got to learn;
Nobody — not the purest dunce —
Has settled convictions all at once.
I needed to know from coloured types
The rules that govern a non-com.'s stripes ;
To learn what difference lay between
A bombardier and a horse-marine ;
And whether your chest or the small of your back
Was the usual site for a haversack.
So, in the intervals hard to steal
From the business of doing a fiscal deal,
I take my satchel in hand and go
To an Army Coach for an hour or so,
And shape myself to a warrior's mould,
Cramming as much as 1 can hold.
I sit at my meals imbibing lore
From WINSTON'S works on the Art of War ;
From Uncle Toby I grow expert in
Fosse and counterscarp and curtin ;
And, when my energy droops, I twitch it
With Fights for the Flag, by the Reverend FITCHETT.
So much for theory. Next, my plan
Involves the career of a Fighting Man.
I mean to encourage the present war-stir,
Going one better than ARXOLD-FORSTER ;
Risky, I grant, it may appear,
But 1 think of becoming a Volunteer !
Already my heart conceives a hottish
Passion to 'list in the London Scottisli ;
And, if my serpentine length of leg
Looks out of place in a pfaillibeg,
1 purpose to pass, in a few brief moons,
Into the Westminster Dragoons.
I cannot say if a soldier's death
Will follow upon my final breath ;
But, failing this, I were well content
(Leaving my actual blood unspent)
To prove to the KAIHER, spurs on heel,
That two can play at his Weltkriegspiel.
0. S.
AN UNDERGROUNDING IN LITERATURE.
SIR LEWIS MORRIS'S recent admissions as to the inspiration
he drew from the Metropolitan Railway have not been long
in producing imitations. The following literary items should
be of general interest : —
Mr. CLARK RUSSELL has taken a pipe belonging to one of
the water companies, where he will shortly produce a stirring
romance of the main.
Mr. MAXIM GORKY is in treaty for a Very Much Lower
Depth somewhere in the Caucasus, to be approached by a
flight of Steppes.
Mr. GUY BOOTHBY has leased a coal pit so as to counteract
his tendency to soar above the heads of the British Public.
Mr. HENRY JAMES has secured a disused shaft for the
purpose of greater Obscurity.
Mr. ALLEN UPWARD (who is expected, in the circumstances,
to adopt a pseudonym) hopes to acquire the basements of a
couple of oubliettes, under the palaces respectively of King
PETER of Servia and the Prince of MONACO. Here he will
pursue his investigations into the "Secrets of the Courts of
Europe."
Mr. CROCKETT lias taken a small abyss for the Spring
Season, and looks forward to completing a new story with
more than usual precipitation.
It is hoped that the difficulties experienced in the South
African Deep Level Labour Market may yet be met by the
mportation of some myriads of miner poets from the Mother
Country.
The Metropolitan Railway is shortly to tempt young
mthors with season tickets at reduced rates, including
guarantee of a fixed circulation. The Company is also
prepared to hear from authors desirous of taking up a con-
tinued residence in the tunnels. Amateur Versifiers are
nvited to compare the Company's evenly flowing lines with
heir own. And to all writers suffering from the fickleness
if the public the Company says :
TRY OUR PERMANENT WAY.
ABANDONED.
GOODBYE, dear, goodbye ! Though it 's always delightful
To live in your mild and magnificent eye ;
Ihough I pine when we're parted, this weather's too
frightful ;
So I 've made up my mind I must bid you goodbye.
You must stay, dear ; your duty demands it : you 're never
^ A rebel when duty requires you to stay.
You '11 be rained on and hailed on and snowed on for ever •
YOU 11 be flooded and fogged, but I know you '11 obey. '
jad I from our limitless lake-land near Marlow
Where the Thames runs as high as a river can run
Ike a swallow in autumn shall seek Monte Carlo
And watch the blue wavelets and bask in the sun.
Vnd, oh, if at home, dear, you faint not nor slumber
It your course and our interests you straitly pursue
11 put a small stake on your favourite number
And invest the result in a present for you.
ASK for the new novel dealing with a national problem of
ie day-Great Britain; or, The Treasure Island
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAK1VART. FKIIKCARY 10, 1904.
AS WE LIKE IT.
Rosalind
DRAMATIS PERSONS;:
BRITANNIA. Orlando ... MB. Ans-LD-F-nsT-R.
Charles the Wrestler . . . OLD WAR OFFICE SYSTEM.
ROSALIND. " SIR, YOU HAVE WRESTLED WELL."— As You Like It, Act I., Scene 2.
FEBRUARY lo, 1904.] PUNClfoR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 95
Lady (wlio is posing and rather tired). " OH, MY DEAR MR. DOOLAN, HAVEN'T YOU YET GOT IT ALL HIOUT FOB TAKING ME ? "
Mr. Doolan (amateur photographer). "MY DEAR LADY, IT'LL BK FINE! YOU'RE JUST IN THE VERY ATTITUDE! COME BIDND NOW AND
SEE FOR YOURSELF ! "
THE DECAYED DRAMA AND SUBMERGED
STAGE RESCUE SOCIETY (LIMITED).
Report of the First Annual Meeting, April the First, Nineteen
Hundred and — (precise date still uncertain}.
The Eminent Philosopher who presided said he thought
they had, ou the whole, some reason to congratulate them-
selves on the results of the past year. The Society's
Training School now numbered fifty pupils of all ages, sorts
and conditions, eveiy one of whom had obtained prizes for
proficiency in Oratory, Gesture and Pronunciation. (Cheers.}
The high-class permanent theatre the Society had established
by private munificence was not, perhaps, everything they
could desire as regarded either comfort or accessibility.
(Hear, hear .') If members were under any impression that
they could run a West-End theatre on their annual sub-
scriptions, all he could say was, they were vastly mistaken.
Still, on the Society's stage, such as it was, they had already
produced a continuous series of the dramatic masterpieces
which had outlived the fashion of the moment. (Cheers.}
Among them he might mention those racy old English
comedies, Gammer Gurton's Needle, and Kalph KoixtiT
Doister (Applause); ADDISON'S sublime and classic tragedy,
Goto; and Dr. JOHNSON'S equally immortal Irene. (Loud
applause.) Coming to more recent authors, they had given
representations of TALFODRD'S Ion; BAILEY'S Festus ; and
BROWNING'S Paracelsus. In spite of all this activity, he was
bound to say that they had not as yet succeeded in attracting
the General Public. Why, he could not say, unless it was
because their performances began at six. It was notorious
that even Pittites nowadays were ashamed of dining earlier
than eight, and had a servile horror of being seen of an
evening out of an " evening suit." Possibly that, together
with their prurient incontinence in the matter of tobacco,
might account for it. Anyhow, they stayed away. (Cries of
" Shame ! ") He feared that even Members of the Society
were not so constant in their attendance as they might be.
At the performance of SHERIDAN'S Pizarro, for instance, he
was [informed that there were only five people in the Stalls,
fifteen in the Dress Circle, and two (counting a child in arms)
in the Pit ! When Members subscribed for seats, they really
ought to tit in them, occasionally — if only to encourage the
performers.
A Leader of Society said she had sat through the whole of
the first two performances. Since then she had been unable
to go herself — but she always made a point of sending
some of the servants. She could not say, of course, whether
they went or not. They said they did.
A Distinguished Painter said he seldom went to the play
himself. He preferred sitting at home after dinner, and
dreaming dreams more beautiful than anything in the British
Drama. But his heart and soul were with the Society in
their efforts to regenerate it.
A Well-known Barrister said so were his. But, after all,
it was the Public who wanted educating— not themselves.
For his part, after being in court all day, he did not feel
96
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 10, 1904.
much inclined to turn out of an evening, even to enjoy the
Society's productions. And if it came to that, how many of
them had their Chairman attended ?
The Chairman said that was his affair. A man in his
position had his evenings pretty full— especially during the
Season. He could assure them it was a continual hurry from
one Society crush to another. Besides, he was obliged to
drop in on the urn-intellectual Drama now and then — just to
keep his eye on it.
A Lady Novelist thought people would go more regularly
if they could see our leading actors and actresses taking part
in the Society's performances. She would, for one. Several
of them were members, why were they not invited to give
their services ?
A Popular Actor said all the parts with any "fat" in them
were allotted to the Training School pupils, and he could
hardly be expected to play subordinate characters in six
different dramas every week for such remuneration as
the Society seemed to think sufficient. He was willing
to make almost any sacrifice to preserve the Drama — but,
naturally, his wife and family came first. He didn't think
it was the acting that kept people away. It was not at
all bad, considering. Indeed, his old friend and manager,
Mr. Fitzroy Flair, a most enthusiastic supporter of the
Society, had considered some of its pupils so promising
that he had actually given them engagements to " walk on "
at his own theatre ! (Cheers.) No, it wasn't the acting —
it was the pieces they put on. They might be classics —
but they were good old chestnuts, every one of them !
(Murmurs.) If they wanted to rake the Public in, they
must try and get hold of something that would be a draw
-a " winner," if they knew what he meant.
An Able Editor agreed that they had not done much, as
yet, to encourage Contemporary Genius. He believed that !
Mr. THOMAS HARDY was publishing a drama. It would be a
great feather in their cap if they could be the first to intro-
duce such a work to the stage.
An Accomplished Critic said there was only one objection
— the play in question was a Trilogy in Nineteen Acts, and
a hundred and thirty scenes, and was intended for mental
performance only, and not for the stage.
An Earnest Literary Lady said surely it was precisely
plays of that kind that their Society had been established to
produce.
A Cosmopolitan Composer suggested that there were several
unacted masterpieces by ECHEGAKAY, MAETERLINCK, and GORKY,
which were admirably suited for the education of the British
Playgoer.
A Gallant General said he didn't know much about such
things, but he rather fancied that none of the gentlemen
who had just been mentioned were what you might call
British Dramatists, exactly, eh ?
The Previous Speaker said that was so, and the more
shame to the British Drama that it should be ! For his
own part, he never went to any play that wasn't written
by a foreigner.
A Broad-minded Bishop said he could not go quite so
Tar as his friend who had just sat down. A play might be
English, and yet have much that was good in it. Their
Society included more than one — er — fairly brilliant British
Dramatist. Why not commission one of them to write a
play for their purposes ? It must be a moral play, of course.
The Chairman intimated that one of such members had
already been approached, and had actually promised them
comedy. But for some reason or other he had backed
out at the last moment. (Cries of " Shame ! " and " Name ! ")
A Brilliant British Dramatist said he supposed the
Uhairman meant him. He would tell them exactly how
t was : The Comedy he had sent the Committee had cost
lim eighteen months' hard labour — (" Oh, oh ! ") — he meant
work. As they were unable to guarantee him more than a
month's run of two nights a week, it was obvious that any
percentages he might receive would be less than he could
count upon from any West-End house. But he did not
mind that — the honour and glory of a production under
the auspices of such a Society as theirs would have more
than compensated him. (Applause.) He didn't " back out,"
as the Chairman called it, till he saw the lady and gen-
tleman whom the Committee insisted on casting for his
heroine and hero.
A Member of the Committee said perhaps the last speaker
was not aware that they were their two very best pupils,
and had each taken the Society's Silver Medal for Earnestness
and Intelligence.
The B. B. Dramatist said what lie objected to was that
the gentleman, besides being undersized, was a trifle uncer-
tain about his "h"s, while the lady, who he admitted was
a competent elocutionist, suffered iinder the disadvantage
of a marked visual obliquity. All his characters were
titled people, and he could not think that either pupil
would quite look the part.
A Leading Manager said that didn't matter a straw so
long as they could act it. Any capable actor could, by
sheer histrionic ability, sink his identity, and give life to
characters seemingly opposed to his personality. (Applause.)
A Dramatic Poet said he did not mind u'ho acted Ills play,
so long as it was acted. There was a little thing of his
own, a blank verse Tragedy in a Prologue and Five Acts,
which, for the sake of resuscitating the British Drama, he
was perfectly willing to place at their disposal. (Applause,
during which several other members who had little things of
their own displayed a similar generosity.)
A Learned Professor said he had been endeavouring of
late to determine by a process of selection and synthesis the
necessary components of the kind of piece most calculated
to rejuvenate the British Stage, and bring about a healthier
condition of things. He really believed he had succeeded
at last. (Applause.) Perhaps some of his ideas might seem
rather revolutionary at first — but anyway, he would tell
them the conclusions he had arrived at. The ideal Play
should be original in form (applause) ; it should not be too
long. (Some dissent.) Well, really," some of the Society's
productions had struck him as rather long ! (Renewed dissent.}
Then, he thought the Plot should be not too involved — iii
fact, he wasn't sure that it might not be dispensed with
altogether. The Scenery should be simple — only one scene
for each Act — but that one beautiful and harmonious in
colour, like the costumes. Next, the story should be illus-
trated from time to time by Songs and Dances. (Murmurs.)
Why not? What was the use of teaching their pupils
singing and dancing if they were to have no opportunities
of exhibiting these accomplishments? Lastly, he would
introduce a Chorus, somewhat after the old Greek fashion,
only with this difference — his Chorus should always be of
the gentler sex, and of comely appearance— the older he got,
the fonder he was of seeing young and pretty faces about
him. (Interruption.) As for the story, that was of minor
importance, the one essential was to have something bright
always going on at any given moment. If all these condi-
tions could only be fulfilled— and lie thought they could—
they would at last see Eh? what? was that so? He
was informed by his friend the Chairman that what he had
just been describing exactly corresponded to the type of
"Octopus Musical Comedy" which had seized upon the
majority of their playhouses ! If so, it was a most singular
coincidence— because, as it happened, the only theatrical
representations he had witnessed for fifty years were the
performances of the Society !
[Confusion, amidst wliicli the Meeting adjourned.
F. A.
FKHKUAUY 10, 190-1.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
97
THE; PURSUIT OF PERIPHRASIS.
HINTS TO Youxu AUTHORS.
No literary vice is more calculated to
make the j udicious grieve than that of
repetition ; none, on the other hand,
within certain limits, is easier of avoid-
ance. For example, if you have men-
tioned Merlin in one line and are obliged
to refer to that eapital in the next sen-
tence or paragraph, it is easy enough^ to
obviate the monotony of bald repetition
by some such synonym as "At hens on
the Spree." Similarly, if it is desirable
to evade a second vise of the name
Bacchus, one can always substitute
some artistic phrase such as " the pagan
ilriu who was neither Mealer nor
Teetotaller." If it be objected that
some of our most eminent authors
have lent the weight of their authority
to the contrary view, e.g., SHAKSPEAEE,
who is responsible for such solecisms as
" To be or not to be," instead of saying
" not to exist," it cannot be too strongly
emphasised that between SHAKSPEABE
and modern journalism a wide gulf is
fixed ; and that whatever merits the
Swan of Avon may have possessed, he
would never have made his mark as a
leader writer, or even a high-class
descriptive reporter.
But periphrasis, like all fine arts, is
not to be mastered in a moment. I have
given one or two instances in which the
phrase leaps to the pen. But in the
higher walks of modern journalism, in
which the personal note is so persistently
sounded, it is not everyone who can
devise a really choice and up-to-date
circumlocution. In such a case precept
is useless unless reinforced by concrete
examples, and I propose to illustrate the
true and artistic method of dealing with
this problem by a few specimens of
illuminating periphrasis which may
serve as models to the aspiring scribe.
POLITICAL SYNONYMS.
Here of course the way in which the
personal equation is solved will depend
largely on the context. If, for example,
you arc dealing with Mr. CHAMBERLAIN
in connection with Mr. BALFOUU, it is
subtle as well as apt to describe him
as "The Fiseal HASKEI.L." If your
altitude approximates to that of the
Ciilideii Club, lie may be safely labelled
" Tin' CvnuNK of Highbury" :"if to that,
of the Tariff' Reform League, do not
hesitate to call him "The Birmingham
Anis-noES." It is the greatest mistake
to suppose that a little learning is
a dangerous thing.
In journalism a classical name or
quotation, no matter how incorrectly
given, invariably impresses the man in
the street. From Mr. CHAMHEUI.MN to
the Duku of Dr.voNsiiiiti-: the transition is
v- "
> . "I".*- •-,!-.--.
ANTICIPATION.
1
REALISATION.
easy. Here the note to strike is the
sudden and unexpected animation of
the Liberal Unionist leader, and I would
therefore suggest such arresting phrases
aa " The Chanticleer of Chatsworth," or
better still, " The ex-Ephesian." As I
have said above, make a point of salting
your periphrasis with topicality. Should,
therefore, President ROOSEVELT be the
subject for the display of the evasive
art, give the preference to " The HACKEN-
SCHMIDT of the White House " over such
musty and moth-eaten circumlocutions
as " The ci-devant Cow-puncher."
98
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEIHIUARY 10, 1901,
LITERARY AND MISCELLANEOUS PERIPHRASIS.
It is, perhaps, in the department of
art, pastime, the drama, above all letters,
that the widest scope for the display of
this delicate accomplishment is found.
Mr. SARGENT may be transformed into
"The GREVILLE o"f the Brush," or "The
Debrelt Scarifier." Sometimes again
the best results may be attained by a
severe and chaste simplicity, as when
Mr. C. B. FRY is styled " The English
RANJITSINHJI," and Prince RANJITSINHJI
"The Indian FRY." The claims of
Lempriere are satisfied by applying the
imaginative metaphor, " The Achilles of
Old Trafford," to Mr. A. C. MACLAKKN.
Turning, as one naturally does, from
cricket to the footlights, do not fail to
note as suitable phrases for Mr. BEERBOHM
TREE "The Mikado of Mummers," or
" The Great Japan jandrum of the Stage,"
while if repeated reference to Mons.
WALKLEY be necessary " The mobilised
MEZZOFANTI ' ' should meet the case. Where
omniscience is the theme, periphrasis
becomes a pleasure. Thus Mr. ANDREW
LANG'S Protean versatility suggests in
rapid succession "The Merry One,"
"The Ency. Brit, of St. Andrew's,"
" The Old Humourist," or (in a psychical
context) " The un-canny Scot." For
Mr. HENRY JAMES "The Lycophron of
Rye" or "The Cinque Ports Cuttlefish"
may be confidently recommended, while
Lord AVEBURY'S literary, financial and
apiarian interests are neatly hit off in
" The City Centlivre " or "The MAETER-
LINCK of Lombard Street." With the
Poet Laureate, as with Mr. LANG, the
difficulty is not that of creating but of
choosing. Some of the happiest euphe-
misms that have occurred to me are
"The Tyrtaeus of the Alhambra,"
"The Grand Old Gardener that we
love," "The Swinford Old Manorist "
and " The Paid Piper of Windsor."
Lastly, the gifted and generous writer
whose residence has cast a fresh lustre
on SHAKSPEARE'S birthplace may be suit-
ably described as " The new ANNE HATH-
AWAY," or " The ANNIE S. SWAN of Avon."
FUR-COAT FASHIONS.
(By the Expert Wrinkler.)
REQUESTS for advice regarding the
care of fur coats are so numerous, that,
as a gentleman, I can no longer post-
pone my reply. To begin with, the
commonest ailment to which the fur coat
is addicted is, perhaps, baldness. For
this I recommend the frequent applica-
tion of Tatcho or some other equally
efficacious capillary restorative. Better
still, however, is it to take time by the
fetlock and prevent the disease. As
to the best antiseptics, opinions differ.
My man makes an excellent mixture of
THE VALENTINE.
"'EEE'S A PIIETTY oo!
AND IF I TAKE JT TO THE
KNOW WHO SENT IT ! "
I CAN'T REACH 'ERE,
POST-OFFICE THEY'LL
small brazier practically continuously
through July and August, when moths'
appetites are at their sharpest. Old
cigar-ends steeped in resin are also
useful. My grandmother had an old-
fashioned country recipe for preserving
tippets and muffs. It consisted of
powdered toadstools, fir-cones, and the
legs and tails of fieldmice, all worked up
into a paste with paraffin and ignited in
the fur closet. No moth could survive it.
THE CORE OF MOULTING.
Moulting is a calamity to which all fur
coats, even the best cared for, are liable.
When the attack comes on the best course
is, perhaps, to consult a Vet., but home
treatment is possible too. I attribute my
own success with fur coats to a conversa-
tion I once had some years ago with
JAMRACH, in which I received some
priceless hints. Ever since then I have
kept JAMRACH'S ointments at hand, all
ready to apply in case any of my coats
throw out signals of distress. For the
Polar bear
astrachan,
anchovy paste ; for chinchilla, Elliman's
embrocation ; and for mink, golden
syrup.
A COMPLETE FUR OUTFIT.
The reader may gather from the fore-
going remarks that I have too many fur
coats. But I can assure him that in our
I use nitro-glycerine ; for
cream of tartar; for sable,
assafretida and cayenne pepper, sulphur ' variable climate no leader of fashion
and green tea, which he burns in a could do with fewer. My plan, which 1 can
recommend with the utmost confidence,
is to be guided partly by the thermo-
meter, and partly by the nature of my
engagements. For example, if I am
calling on a very cold day at a house which
I specially desire to honour, I don the
Polar bear. On an equally cold day,
in less influential company, the leopard
suits my purpose. For the opera, my
lion-skin Chesterfield ; for musical
comedy, my zebra Raglan ; for the
pantomime, my marmoset covert-coat.
My mole-skin aquascutum I reserve
exclusively for travelling in the Tube,
while for motoring I have had built a
special crocodile skin Newmarket, lined
with a judicious blend of ermine, lambs-
wool and eiderdown. Between the outer
and inner lining there is a water-tight
compartment, which can be filled with
hot water whenever the temperature
falls below freezing point.
Nothing is so misguided as to restrict
the use of fur to one garment. In
winter one should present a symphony
in fur. For instance, when I am
patronising the Polar bear, I wear also
reindeer mocassins, tiger-skin spats,
python puttees, seal-skin knickers, a hair
shirt, eel-skin braces, and a beaver
hat. I may add that, in order to pre-
pare himself for the custody of my
sartorial menagerie, my man spent some
weeks tmder the late Mr. BARTLETT as an
underkeeper at the Zoo.
THE FUR COAT IN THE OFF-SEASON.
The fur coat, when not in use — that
is to say, in the milder days of winter
or in the summer months — may be
employed in other ways. I have known
a fur coat become quite a steady wage-
earner for its master by being rented to a
photographer for the use of his clients.
Another fur coat of my acquaintance
lent an illusion of prosperity to a thea-
trical manager on the brink of disaster
(at half a guinea a week). But not every-
one cares to see his garments worn by
another. To these off-season uses I
would add that the fur coat makes an
admirable portiere and an excellent
hearthrug, while it is invaluable in
private theatricals. A naturalist friend
of mine kept his in the garden all
through the summer, where it not only
served as an efficient scarecrow but
provided, in the pockets, a nesting-place
for numberless wrens and tits, owls and
orioles, to his no small delight.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
OUIDA.— If the Moths become very
truculent, squirt the coat with a garden
hose charged with ammoniated quinine.
ANTHONY ROWLEY. — Frogs certainly
have a very stylish appearance, but
should not be sported unless you hold
a commission in one or more of the
Services.
FEBRUARY 10, 1!)OI."!
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
99
"VERY LIKE A WHALE."
Lady Visitor (who has been listening to Piscator's story). " I DIDN'T KNOW THAT TBOCT GREW AS LARGE AS THAT ! "
Piseator's Wife. " Oil, YES, THEY DO— AFTER THE STORY HAS BEEN TOLD A FEW TIMES ! "
A VANISHED ART.
[" The once famous wit of the London cabman has degenerated into
a mere capacity for profane abuse."— Fide New Liberal Review.]
DELIGHTFUL Jehu, whose prolific wit
Seemed to our wistful ears a joy for ever,
Whose lips were nicely fashioned to emit
A discourse no less opportune than clever ;
Whose face, surmounted by the well-poised tile,
Bespake (concealed inside] a soul seraphic,
And aimed seductive pleasantries the while
At casual pilots of competing traffic ; —
What ails thee, gentle Jehu ? People cry,
Who travel much in cabs and omnibuses,
That all thy wit is now supplanted by
A vulgar stream of paralysing cusses !
Th<> easy quirk, the quaint but artless quip,
^ The free but never questionable banter,
The answering sallies of a fellow whip,
Extremely pointed and evolved instanter ;
The well-directed flow of repartee
ouching the moral tone, the near relations
Of^passers by ; the searching simile
That hailed a rival's facial malformations; —
We never hear them now, the art is dead
That raised thee from the ruck of base humanity ;
Our ears are now astonished in their stead
By undiluted gusts of sheer profanity.
At least they tell us so : oh is it true ?
Has trade depression plunged thy soul in gloom or
Has England been developing a new
And more fastidious idea of humour ?
Perchance our intellects are growing dense
That hailed thee years ago the prince of japers,
Perhaps the passenger's prehensile sense
Is clogged by extracts from the comic papers.
Maybe a strain of humour still appears
Amid the flow of alien imprecation,
Which, if we didn't have to stop our ears,
Might still revive thy tarnished reputation.
It 's hard to say : but I Ve a lingering doubt,
A fear, perhaps unworthy, that a brother
Author was short of things to write about,
And thought thee just as likely as another !
MOTTO FOR ENGLAND, when everything is excluded from the
untry by the New Tariffs—" N importc."
country
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 10, 100-1.
THE DANGERS OF SCIENCE.
IT HAS BEEN IMPRESSED UPON MASTER ToM THAT HE MOST KOT STARE ABOUT HIM DCRINO THE
SERMON, EOT MUST KEEP HIS EYE ON THE CLERGYMAN. AN UNFORTUNATE BIRTHDAY PRESENT
ENABLES HIM FOR ONCE TO DO THIS !
CHARIVARIA.
" UPPER Street, Islington, is the worst
road for mud in London," said Judge
EDGE at Clerkenwell County Court. We
consider this attempt to make trouble
with the Strand authorities most deplor-
able.
A writer in a lady's journal declares
that the mourning fashions are now so
pretty that the loss of a husband is no
longer the terrible calamity it once was.
A contemporary stupidly wonders
" What the War Office will think of
its proposed abolition." It is well
known that the present War Office has
no thinking department.
An interesting centenary has taken
place. Trousers are a hundred years
old. But not everybody's.
A dispute is raging as to who in-
vented the Roddy Owen Collar. One
would certainly like to drive home the
responsibility.
There are traitors even among doctors.
A medical man has just published a
book entitled "How to keep well."
In these days of publicity it becomes
more and more difficult to keep a secret.
The manager of the Hotel Cecil has
informed a newspaper interviewer that
in his hotel there are private detectives
on every floor, and that not a soul out-
side the management knows it.
" Nonsense, by II. 1 5. MARRIOTT- WATS< >\ , "
is t lie title of an article in the Daily
Mail. Not every author is so modest.
Where will the Pu/./le Competition
Craze stop, we wonder? Six hundred
and twenty guineas were given at a
London sale-room last week for Sir
AI.M\ TADEMA'S "Who is it?"
The London Association for the Pre-
vention of Premature Burial has pro-
duced some remarkable examples of
persons who have been buried while
only in a trance, and the Duke of I IEVOX-
SHIKK is stated to be seriously alarmed.
Admirers of Lord ROBERTS will be
glad to hear that the sensational state-
ment of several papers to the effect
that the Commander-in-Ghief is to !»•
abolished is happily untrue. The aboli-
tion refers only to the office he holds.
Through the efforts of the State
Department, a former Chinese Minister
to the United States, who was beheaded
on the outbreak of the Boxer troubles,
has now been pardoned.
" The Terrible Turk " does not strike
us as being a very happy name for a
new brand of cigarettes.
It is untrue that at Lord WIMIIOKNK'S
Reconciliation dinner-party plain clothes
police-officers were placed between each
couple of friends.
TheLiberal Party to the Liberal Union-
ist Party :— " Up with your Dukes ! "
The Jailbirclx made their appearance
last week at Wyndham's Theatre. The
Arm of the Law will not, Mr. BOIKCHIKR
informs us, be ready till the 16th inst.
The Law's delays again !
To the delight of all good Britishers
Japan's financial position has suddenly
been improved. An American Corre-
spondent has been fined ten shillings for
photographing fortifications at .Moji.
MISUNDERSTOOD. — Enthusiastic. Mimical
Amateur. I say, old fellow, come and
hear the " Kruse Quartet."
Apathetic. Fr'n-nd. Thanks, no ; I
don't care about nautical music.
g
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H
10, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
103
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIABY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Tuesday night,
]''i'liriinri/ 2. — A great deal lias happened
since ilic prorogation last August.
days, GLADSTONE turned, not towards tin.1
youth who had spoken, but upon the
proud parent seated on the very bench
he occupied to-night, acclaiming the
speech as " dear and refreshing to a
lather's heart."
REYNARD AMONG THE ROOSTERS.
(Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n takes his seat between Mr. Ch-pl-n and Sir Edw-n D-rn-ng-L-wr-nce.)
Indications of extent and direction found
in both Houses on this our opening day.
In the Lords COUNTY GUY, strolling in
only a few minutes late, passed the
Front Bench where late he sat as
Leader, and dropped into corner seat on
front bench below Gangway. In the
Commons AusTEsfjK^HAMBERLAiN, Chan-
</<->llor of the Exchequer, stood by the
brass-bound box, spokesman of the
Conservative Ministry, defending "my
right lion, friend the Member for Bir-
mingham " from the base attack of
truculent C.-B.
Here at this very spot, eleven years
ago come next April, stood Mr. GLADSTONE
hailing the new-born morn with passion-
ate pleading for his Home Rule Bill.
In the midst of the crisis, on the eve of
the Division, with no man sure what an
hour might bring forth, the chivalrous
veteran reined in his horse and lowered
his lance in salute to the son of his
ablest, relentless foeman.
A i STF.N CHAMBERLAIN, not then dream-
ing of Chancellorships of the Exchequer,
his furthest view modestly bounded by
possibility, in some far-off day, of a
Junior Lordship of the Treasury, had
made his maiden speech. Of course it
was against the war-worn chieftain's
cherished Bill. What it could do in the
way of riving it was done smartly.
Recognising talent, remembering former
Here we are again, as used to be said
at old Drury in Christmas-time. Eleven
years have passed, the whole Eleven
bowled out by Time. And behold the
scene to-night. A slim, straight, youth-
ful figure stands by the Box in bygone
days battered by the vigorous palm of a
great orator. Last Autumn the proud
and pleased father, having plunged the
Cabinet into dire perplexity, humbly
fared forth, taking on himself once more
the vesture of the private Member. To-
night his orchid gleams from the very
seat below the Gangway whence, eleven
years ago, he bowed his head in almost
reverential acknowledgment of his old
captain's courtesy to the boy — the
boy now a man, in the very prime of
life, Privy Councillor, Chancellor of the
Exchequer, successor to PITT, PEEL,
GLADSTONE, DISRAELI, who, not puffed up
with, pride, mindful of past favours,
takes under his protection "my right
hon. friend the Member for Birming-
ham," letting whom it may concern
know that those who strike at him will
smite the shield of his son.
The Lords also had their personal
dramas beyond the passing of COUNTY
GUY skirting the Ministerial Bench with
thankful thought that no more for him
will be necessity for seeking his place
sharp on the hour of the meeting of the
House, no more need of sitting out long
speeches by prosy Peers.
For thirty-five years there has been in
the House of Lords a Marquis of SALIS-
BURY on the front bench, either to right
or left of the Woolsack. Under what-
ever circumstances he presented himself
ho was the predominant figure of the
hour. Of late years, whilst he sat on
the Ministerial bench, with chin sunk
on his breast, fists dug into the cushion
in support of a tired and drowsy body,
he was still the centre of interest. At
any moment he might wake up and
plunge into debate, his lambent wit
scorching some hapless Peer, not neces-
sarily selected from the ranks of the
Opposition. AMURATH to AMUHATH suc-
ceeds. The MARKISS is dead ; long live
the MARQUIS. To-night he came up and
signed the roll of Parliament, taking his
seat near his father's old place in his
new capacity as Lord Privy Seal.
II y a fagots et fanots.
'"And there are Marquises and Mar-
quises," said the MEMBER FOR SARK.
Since we are dropping into foreign
languages, perhaps I may add there is
also longo intervallo."
On a night saddened by the illness
and absence of PRINCE ARTHUR one other
touching episode struck the eye and
will dwell in the memory till death, do
us part. When Parliament prorogued,
Lord BALFOUR OF BURLEIGH occupied an
appreciable space on the Ministerial
Bench. He was Secretary of State for
Scotland, and an uncommonly good one
too. Then came the dramatic series of
alarums and excursions from the Cabinet
chamber in Downing Street. Under
" KING CHARLES'S HEAD, MB. SPEAKER ! "
"I noticed a perpetual endeavour and an
earnest desire under all circumstances, at all
times, to bring in somehow or other King
Charles the First's head — the ex-Secretary of
State's head — and to present it on a charger
for the repudiation and the derision of the
House." — Mr. Chamberlain.
104
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 10, 1904.
"PORTU" WlNDHAJt.
" Therefore, Robson,
Though Justice be tliy plea, consider this,
That, in. the course of Justice, none of us
Should see salvation ....
Then take thy bond, take tliou thy pound of flesh :
But, in the cutting it, if thou dost shed
One drop of Tory blood, thy lands and goods
Are .... confiscate." — Merchant of Venice, 1904.
circumstances not altogether free from
surprise, but highly honourable to him,
B. of B. found himself out of office,
he and COUNTY GUY walking hand in
hand, like Babes in the Wood, with a
vague but unmistakable conviction that
somewhere about was a Wicked Uncle.
Where would the ex-Secretary for Scot-
land sit under the new circumstances ?
It seemed probable that, having pre-
ceded COUNTY GUY in leaving the Cabinet
he would follow him to his new quarters
below the Gangway. The LORD CHAN-
CELLOR took his seat ; business was
entered upon, speeches were made.
"He cometh not," said COUNTY GUY.
Suddenly the curious eye, wandering
round the crowded Ministerial Benches,
lighted npon BALFOUR OF BURLEIOH
throned among the Bishops ! To-night
he wore layman's attire. Bui what with
the subtle force of saintly companion-
ship, what with spare surplices hanging
round in the robing room, who shall say
what the morrow may not bring forth?
Meanwhile BALFOUR OF BURLEIGH has
fled to sanctuary, sitting among the
Bishops with complacent confidence
that if there is any fresh manoeuvring
in Cabinet circles it cannot in his new
surrounding affect him.
Kim; opens
pomp and
Business done. — The
Parliament with Royal
ceremony.
Friday night. — Through the week
Parliament has sat on four days. This
Diary, which purports to cover the full
period, is, as the keen-sighted reader
will observe, confined to a single entry.
The circumstance seems to require
explanation, but no apology — at least,
from me.
I do not, this week, describe or com-
ment npon proceedings in the House of
Commons for reasons analogous to those
which, on a historic occasion, prevented
the Spanish Fleet being descried. The
Spanish Fleet " was not yet in sight,"
and the doors of the Press Gallery having,
by order, been closed against me, 1 have
not passed them.
The whole story has an archaic, musty
flavour pungent in the nostrils of tin-
so-called Twentieth Century. Man anil
boy I have for thirty-two years had my
box in the front row of the Press
Gallery. For more than twenty years
I, by favour of the constituency of
Barks — that is to say, of the English-
speaking race whose area is encompassed
by Mr. Punch's "far-flung battle-line"
- have, with more or less prosaic accu-
racy, recorded Parliamentary events on
this page. But opportunity was not
derived from the renown or position
of my esteemed Master. Mr. Punch's
Chronicler has no locus standi in the
Press Gallery. It was by connection
with a long-established London morning
paper that entrance was pennitted. It
happens this Session that that particular
section of the Chronicler's services has
been transferred to another London daily
paper of modern birth, a vigorous infant
with a daily circulation exceeding
(500,000.
Nominally admission to the Press
Gallery is within the province of the
SPEAKER. Actually the department is
administered by the Sergeant-at-Arms.
And the Sergeant-at-Arms courteously
but relentlessly refuses to recognise the
existence of this 600,000-pounder even
to the extent of issuing for its service a
single Gallery ticket.
The reason alleged is that there is
no room." Last Session it happened
that two of the older London morning
papers dispensed with the services of
their reporting staff, thus clearing out
of the Gallery an aggregate of fourteen
gentlemen. Have these empty places
been filled up? If so, how? If not,
what becomes of the plea of no room ?
The fact is, the whole relations of the
Press and Parliament are tainted with
the arbitrary conditions that marked
them at an epoch when the freedom of
the people was at its lowest ebb. To
this day there stands in the Order Book
a provision which makes it a high crime
and misdemeanour for any newspaper to
report Parliamentary proceedings. The
enactment is a dead letter; but its spirit
is not laid.
The London Press, being perhaps the
most decently mannered, certainly the
most impeccable, in the world, is also
the most powerful. Yet it meekly
suffers a condition of things that would
not be permitted to exist for a week
in the relations of the local press with
a Town Council or Parish Vestry. The
Sergeant-at-Arms is animated by no
other motive than desire impartially
to administer the business remitted
to him by ancient usage. This lie
does with a courtesy that disarms re-
sentment in individual hard cases. But,
naturally, he knows little or nothing
of the relative positions of the Daily
Papers. The consequence is that the
avowed desire of giving fair representa-
tion to the Press is even grotesquely
frustrated. One journal has at its exclu-
sive disposal three Boxes and admission
for over a dozen reporters. Others
have two Boxes and a proportionate
number of tickets. Whilst a paper
supplying the Parliamentary needs of
a public wider than the aggregate circu-
lation of three or four of these journals
FEBRUARY 10, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHART VA I! I.
105
106
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 10, 1904.
put together, is denied the privilege of admission for a
single representative.
The House of Commons is slow to lay reforming hand on
the Ark of its procedure. Within the last ten years it has,
under sheer compulsion, applied itself to the task with the
happiest results. It is time the anachronism of the super-
vision of the Press Gallery was dealt with through the
machinery of a Select Committee.
Meanwhile, as far as I am personally concerned,
, the
restriction that governs the chronicle this week will hence-
forward be inoperative. When the circumstances became
known, TOBY, M.P. was overwhelmed with proffers from all
parts of the House, not excepting the Treasury Bench, of
good offices, Members placing at his disposal their personal
privilege of obtaining admission for a " Stranger."
demonstration of friendliness to a
faithful servitor, Mr. Punch offers
his thanks.
Business done. — TOBY, M.P. 's in-
termitted ; but only temporarily.
For this
written by Mr. CHARLES GEAKE, and most amusingly illustrated
by F. C. G., delights persons of all shades of politics possess-
ing any particle of humour. In some few instances the
parodying artist has so exactly reproduced the spirit and
the lines of the original, as, at a first glance, to deceive even
those most intimately acquainted with Sir JOHN TENNIEL'S
immortal work.
In MAX PEMBERTON'S latest sensational novel, Red Morn
(CASSELL & Co.), a sister is determined to avenge her
brother's murder, — if murdered he was,
which has to be
duel which he
proved. That a man should be shot in a
himself has provoked can hardly be considered in the light
of murder, where the adversaries are equally skilled in the
use of their weapons.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
A Criminal Croesus, by GEORGE
GRIFFITH (JOHN LONG), is a genuine
romance, smacking of JULES VERNE
and BULWER LYTTON at their best,
and unsurpassed, as a work of
imagination, by any work of either
of the above - mentioned authors
that the Baron can at present call
to mind, except perhaps Twenty
Thousand Leagues Under the Sea,
and The Coming Race. The plausi-
bility of the probabilities in the
story is so convincing that any
reader would not be surprised to
find some extract from a daily
paper confirming the most startling
events and dramatic situations as
they are described in this novel.
Mr. AUSTIN DOBSON has the precious gift of writing in the
simple style of good talk. Reading Fanny Burney, the latest
contribution to " English Men of Letters " (MACMILLAN), my
Baronite lias the pleased feeling of being seated in an easy
chair, with a companionable cigar, listening to the scholarly
chat of one who knew everybody worth knowing when
GEORGE THE THIRD was King. In a volume of moderate size,
and alluringly cheap price, Mr. DOBSON presents a charming
picture not only of the author of Evelina biit of her
entourage. Not led away by habit of hero-worship, he
presents to the student of literature a valuable judgment on
FANNY BURNEY'S works and her place in literature. His
summary of Evelina and of Cecilia is excellent, whilst he
L
The cleverness of this novel is in the
devising of the strange characters
that carry on the story, and the
sensational incidents wherein they
appear. The description of the
storm at sea and the horrors of a
mutiny are given with a power
that raises this book as romantic
literature far above the ordinary
run of modern novels.
\
NURSERY NATURAL HISTORY.
Dolly. "THERE'S HONEY FOB TEA."
Bob (always glad to give Dolly information). "YES.
BEES MAKE HONEY."
Dolly. "AND WHO MAXES JAM?"
Bob. " BEETLES, OF COURSE."
prefer being, as the
expressed it, " on the
ANGELOS. The notes
excellent photographic
headed " Cases from
combine to make this
foregoing.
The Ancestor (CONSTABLE), No. 8
for January. In this volume of a
most valuable series are to be
found charming reproductions of
the portraits of the pretty ladies
of "The '• Angela Family" illustrating
an interesting article on this subject.
This delightful picture caused the
Baron to hum to himself the old
ballad, "Se io fossi un Angela," and
on referring to the likenesses of the
male Angeli, truculent gentlemen,
experienced swordsmen, armed at
all points, the Baron confesses that
if it came to a matter of " draw
and defend yourself " he would
late Lord BEACONSFIELD quaintly
side of the Angels," i.e. of the
from the Heralds' College, the
reproductions, and the article
Early Chancery Proceedings," all
a volume equal to any of the
Last week, in mentioning The
Cogers of Cogers Hall, the Baron
said he was certain that, some-
where or other, Ingcldsby had
rhymed " codger " with " Roger,'
THE
BARON
skims much of the cream from the diary of the lady who | following COLEMAN the Youngei
became Madame D'ARBLAY, and had her fame trumpeted by j A contributor supplies the Une:-
MACAULAY. On the whole a delightful work, unsurpassed in
the series, possibly to some extent because in this case the
Man of Letters chances to be a woman.
Parody is an evidence of popularity, and parody by an
eminent parodist is a tribute to the exceptional popularity
of the original. So that when that clever humourist in art,
Mr. CARRUTHERS GOULD, the now well-known F. C. G., hits
upon the idea of adapting Sir JOHN TENNIEL'S immortal
illustrations of Alice in Wonderland to the purposes of
political caricature, the success of the venture is assured. And
so it comes about that John Bull's Adventures in the Fiscal
Wonderland (METHUEN), a clever political parody on LEWIS
CARROLL'S well-known and universally popular Alice, smartly
" A thirsty old codger the neighbours
called ROOER,"
vide "Lay of St. Nicholas, In-
Leyends, First Series."
DE
An Unfortunate Exposure.
[Two butchers were recently mulcted in a large sum for " exposing '
horseflesh as human food without indicating the nature of the meat.]
INDEED tilings are not always what they seem ;
Perchance at times, when on "roast beef" she fares,
Dear Little Mary from the knacker's team
Doth entertain a gee-gee unawares.
FKHIM-ARY 10, ]!in|.;
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON" CHARIVARI.
107
do their best with words
and music. All in the
east are eminently satis-
factory, including Mr.
BONFIELD in the thank-
less part of Ax/i I !• ;/
Nugent, M.P., and .Mr.
HERBERT VYVYAN in the
strongly-marked but very
small character part of
.Matthew the butler. As
Johnson the 'soldier ser-
j vant, Mr. BKMM\M is
^xcellent, as also is Mk-,
I DOHOTUY DRAKE as Nornh,
I his sweetheart. Not
-much "character" falls
to the lot of Miss FII.IPPI
as Lady Margaret, the
match-making aunt ; the
eldest of the Earl's three
daughters, the Lady
Sheila, unhappily mar-
ried, is sympathetically
played by Miss IHEXE
RooK£ while the two
others, who are to be
happily married, find
charming representatives
in Miss JANET ALEXANDER
and Miss EVELYN BEAU-
MONT. Mr. HARFORD has
but small chance for any
great effect in scenery,
and the selection of music
on the night of our visit
seemed to indicate that
Mr. WALTER SLAUGHTER
was not in the best pos-
sible spirits. The piece
may yet be worked up and come out at the top, but 'tis
doubtful.
AN INDEX OBJURGATORIUS.
IT is stated that a Non-Swearer's Pocket Dictionary is to
be published tinder the auspices of the Society for the
I '.I o\\ , who, in a spirited manner, plays the aforesaid Captain's Suppression of Profane Language. Mr. Punch therefore begs
subaltern, Lifut. Thompson. to contribute some emergency expletives.
Mr. VANE TEMPEST, as the indifferent motorist and amateur For a Golfer, on smashing his Driver — Well, I 'm Tee'd !
conjurer, is very funny in the little bits where he comes into i For the Same, on missing the Ball — Confoozle it !
the show (the notion of this character is excellent), though; For a Gentleman, on failing to find his Collar-stud in the
why he. u a gentleman, when tied and bound into a chair as morning — Dash my buttons !
an amateur DAVENPORT Brother, and hidden behind a screen, ' For a Ditto, on missing his Train — Deary me !
SWORD AND PEN.
Ho WE v EU successful
Captain BASIL Hcx>r> may
have boon, and we believe
has been, as a purveyor
of eccentric libretti to the
management of the Savoy
( ipera, and as writer of
an amusing and very
light piece, his previous
•/mid hick lias apparently
deserted him in attempt-
in ir what lie closer! I •
" A N'ew ( -omedy in Four
Acts, entitled Lave in
,i ( 'ottage," at Terry's
Theatre, now tinder the
management of Messrs.
<!ATTI and FROHMAX, who
are presumably the mana-
gers responsible for this
production. As the play
had the advantage of
having been "produced "
" under the personal
direction of the author,"
we may be quite sure that
the gallant Captain will
not ilinch from accepting
the entire responsibility
of its success or failure,
moyennant the corps
<lru>n<iii<ine practically
and artistically carrying
out their (temporary)
superior officer's com-
mands. It may be that
the absence of the pro-
re:-sional stage-manager
would account for a certain conventionality in the situations,
and a meagreness in the jeu de scene.
The best Act of this play is the one in " Creagh's Cottage,"
used as Officers' Quarters by Mr. FRANK COOPER, a good actor
bravely struggling with a difficulty, and stoutly representing
I he honest, light-hearted, peremptory Captain Ulick O'Brian,
as well as author could wish, and by Mr. SYDNEY
TRUTH AT ALL HAZARDS.
Footinitt (energetiaally helping at Bazaar). " WON'T YOU PUT IN FOB A RAFFLE
FOB TUIS CUSHION ? "
Visitor. "On, NO, THANKS."
Footinitt. "OF COURSE IT'S RATHER USELESS AND OAUDY, AND so FOBTH; AND
PERSONALLY I THINK THE DESIGN'S ROTTEN. BUT CO PUT IN FOB IT."
Visitor. " No, THANKS. I HADE IT ! "
does not make his presence known, as any gentleman would
have done, in order to avoid hearing the private chat of three
ladies, is one of those things that the author would find it
hard to explain satisfactorily. We should have thought
that this ueakness must have been detected, and therefore
remedied, at. rehearsals.
As the /•,'<((•/• of K'niiHitli '
with a song" — Mr. BRANDON
TIIO\I\S is thorough-going, and revives memories of the fine
old lrisl| gentleman in the time of CHARLES LEVER'S Knight
nf < I'u-i/ini/'. lie sings " On the High Road," which the pro-
gramme informs us " was specially written by BASIL HOOD
ami composed by HAMISII McCi'xx at the invitation of the
Military Authorities for inclusion in a Soldiers' Song Book
to be published by the War Office." Fancy musical inspi-
ration coming from the War Office! Mr. BRANDON THOM\S
and everybody on the stage' joining iu the chorus, evidently
For a Person with the Toothache, on being annoyed (i) with
his Dentist — By gums, how you hurt ! (ii) with Things in
General — Suspend it all !
For a Fare, on remonstrating with a Cabman — Go to
Heligoland !
For a Cabman, on disputing with his Fare — Assistme-
robert, wot do you tyke me for ?
Able-bodied Seaman, on all Occasions — Lawk-a-
For an
I
the
mercv
For
Same, a Simple Vocative — - You creature of
Culinary Parentage !
For a Navvy in Distress— What the red-corpuscular, vital-
serumy, &c., &c. !
"SOME STARTLING FIGURES."— Spectres.
108
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY- 10, 1904.
IMPERIAL (CRICKET) EXPANSION.
' A large company had assembled on the
Melbourne ground when NOBLE, having won
tho toss, decided to take first innings on a
perfect wicket. In the first over after TBDMPEB
had scored four he was bowled by a awerver
from HIRST. Another disaster soon followed,
for off RHODES' first ball DUFF was given l.b.w."
— Typical Press Association Cable.]
From the " Vesper Mail."
(As printed, after sub-editorial revision
and additions, presumably ly Mar-
eonigram.)
ALL roads at Melbourne led to the
cricket ground this morning, and long
before the hour for the start the ring
was thronged with eager spectators.
Larrikins and stockmen, sundowners
with their blue-blanketed swags over
their shoulders, blacks with narrow
shields on theirforearms and boomerangs
in their hands — all sat in the shade of
the eucalyptus trees waiting for the
great conflict to begin. Soon the two
great Captains strolled forth to examine
the wicket ; MONTAGU NOBLE, his intel-
lectual countenance bearing an .anxious f
look, and the irrepressible, boyish
"PLUM," with a broad smile on his
youthful face. A roar of " My word "
from the crowd and a war-dance by
enthusiastic blacks proclaimed that
Australia had won the toss.
Then the English Captain led forth !
his men from the pavilion, and the
crowd gasped as they saw the stolid
HAYWARD, the lithe and strenuous BRAUND,
gigantic ARNOLD, little JOHNNY TYLDES- i
LEY, broad-shouldered HIRST, FOSTER of
Fostershire, BOSANQUET the smiter, the
tenacious LILLEY, RELF — the Sussex all-
rounder, and last of all a pleasant-faced ,
youth. Could that be the Kirkheaton
Demon — the deadly RHODES ? A shudder
of doubt ran through the crowd. Could
even United Australia face such an
array of talent? Yet when cheery
TRUMPER and sturdy DUFF stepped forth
to do battle their hopes revived.
The Admirable CRICHTON of cricket was
to face the first over. Who would be
put on to bowl? WARNER tossed the
ball carelessly to HIRST, and the Hud-
dersfield Paragon, with a broad grin on
his face, prepared to take the first over.
A death-like silence crept over the
ground. When one of the umpires
sneezed it sounded like a cannon shot.
"Play " — a rush — a whiz — and the ball
which TRUMPER has never seen is safe in
LILLEY'S hands. Again and again this
happens, but at the fourth ball a click ;
is heard. BRAUND leaps wildly in the j
slips, but the ball expresses past him to '
the boundary. Hats wave — dingos bark
— exultant boomerangs circle through
the air. The next ball — a deadly
Yorker — TKUMPER just manages to come
/ /
raWfe v\s¥:
* s'^'' */•< \$^ \k \^s %
A PSEUDO-THRUSTER.
Farmer (to Sportsman, returning from the chase). "Beo PARDON, Sm, BUT AIN'T YOU THE
GENT THAT BBOKE DOWN THAT THERE GATE OF MINE THIS MORNING?"
Mr. Noodel (who never by any chance jumps anything— frightfully pleased). " ER — DID I ?
WELL, HOW MUCH is THE DAMAGE?"
down on in time. HIRST goes back to
deliver his last ball — the dour look .'of
stubborn Yorkshire on his face. Whiz
— where is it going? The umpire
opens his mouth to cry " Wide " when
a crash of stumps is heard. The great
VICTOR has been bowled by a ball which
swerved right round the umpire stand-
ing at square leg.
CLEM HILL comes out grimly deter-
mined to stop the rot, and DUFF, taking
careful centre, prepares to meet the
elusive RHODES. The crowd laugh as
the innocent-looking boy bowls a few
practice balls to LILLEY. How slow and
simple they seem ! " Watch for the
break, DUFFY," shouts an experienced
cricketer. With easy, graceful action
the Kirkheaton Terror delivers his first
ball. So slow and simple it looked —
too simple, thought the great batsman,
as he prepares for the deadly curl when
it rises from the pitch. But there
is no curl, and the straight, easy
ball taps the batsman on the pad.
"How's that? " roar the English team.
" Out," says the umpire, and the puzzled
batsman retires. Two wickets for four
runs — there 's life in the old country yet.
(Owing to the exigencies of space we
regret being unable to quote more than
a description of the first seven balls in
the match from our esteemed — and
enterprising — contemporary.)
FEBRUARY 17, 1904.]
PUNCH, Oft TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
109
THE OBITUARIST'S GUIDE.
EVERY precaution is now being taken
by the Editor of Willow s Annual to
prevent a mistake similar to that by
which the author of T)ie Shutters of
Mr/ire has' been declared to be dead on
the strength of the resemblance between
the title of that novel and of The House
with the Green Shutters by the late GEORGE
IU-CLAS BROWN.
Tim editorial sanctum is in future to
be placarded with some such monitions
as those which follow, calculated to
check the enthusiasm of the too intrepid
necrologist.
It is well to remember that
different books whose titles chance
to contain the same word are not
-arily from the same pen.
Thus The Decline and Fall of the
Roman Empire was not written by
Mr. MARION CRAWFORD, although the
circumstance that he is the author
of A Roman Singer might of course
naturally lead to that belief.
Kindly do your best to bear in
mind that Sir LEWIS MORRIS is not
the author of DANTE'S Inferno. The
Epic of Hades was composed on
the Metropolitan and District Rail-
ways, not among the Tuscan vines.
Abstain if you can from commit-
ting the error of supposing that
" The Poet's Diary," now appearing
iu the National Review, is from the
fountain pen of the late JANE AUSTEN.
Be careful not to be beguiled by
partial resemblances, however strik-
ing. Although it is true that Sir
George Tressady and Sir Richard
Calmady are both baronets, and
although the last two syllables of
the surnames of each are identical,
there is no relationship whatever
between Colonel ENDERBY'S wife and
Lady ROSE'S daughter.
It is much more comfortable for
all concerned not to confound the
authors of The Christian and The
Master Christian.
Doctor. " WELL, MBS. MCOOERIDGE, HOW ABE TOU OETTINO OH ? TAIEN THB MEDICINE, EH ? '
Mrs. U. " YES, DOCTOR. I 'VE TAKEN ALL THE TABLOIDS Ton BENT, AND NOW I WANT A NEW
PERSECUTION."
LITERARY GOSSIP.
THE gentleman who has written to the
Athenaeum to endeavour to recover the
proofs of a work entitled The Literature
of Swimming, which he mislaid on the
top of an omnibus, is not alone in mis-
fortune. A little while ago the manu-
script of an exhaustive monograph on
Drought was left on the deck of a sub-
marine, and it has not since been seen.
As to Tlie Literature of Swimming, one
of our representatives having called at
the offices of the London General Omni-
bus Company was informed that the
proofs were perhaps wisely confiscated
by the omnibus driver, with an eye to
what will probably be required of him
if the present mud continues and we
have another summer like the last.
THERE was a young man of Devizes,
Whose ears were of different sizes ;
The one that was small
Was no use at all,
But the other took several prizes.
VOL. CXIVI.
110
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 17, 1904.
ARMS AND THE WOMAN.
Being a privileged account of an Election alt,
THE LADIES' CAVALRY CLUB.
IT was a solemn seance composed of martial dames,
Discussing likely candidates witli military claims ;
The doors were doubly bolted ; bvit, through a little bird,
I am enabled to report excatly what occurred.
The Amazon presiding over the lists of Mars
Was Lady SUSAN CROPPER, of the Eighty-eighth Hussars,
And she had just put forward the name of BELLA SQUEERS,
Third cousin to a Captain in the "Bounding Buccaneers."
Then spoke a Horse Guard's lady, a welter-weight was she,
And rode her husband's chargers to hounds at sixteen-three :
" I ask for information ; pray, who is ' BELLA SQUEERS ' ?
And wlw, by all that 's holy, are the 'Bounding Buccaneers ' ?
" Cavalry of the Line I know ; one meets them here and
there ; "
(" The Liner she 's a lady ! " observed the angry Chair) ;
" But if you mean to keep select, you simply cant allow
The claims of fancy regiments raised Heaven alone knows
how ! "
At this a stout Yeowoman repressed a rising sob,
And called the previous speaker a horrid, horrid snob ;
And said that if the Junior Arm should fail to get its dues,
Herself would bar all candidates related to the Blues.
Dare 1 describe the issue, what language rent the air,
What sudden transformations took place in people's hair,
Or how a West Kent's aunt-in-law had both her pince-nez
broke,
And something awful happened to a Kitchen Lancer's toque ?
A Colonel's wife ("The Dye-hards") betrayed a natural pique
On being drenched with coffee all down her dexter cheek,
And, though of temperate habits and never known to faint,
Swore frankly like a trooper, and swooned from loss of paint.
I shrink to estimate the cost in limb and even life
Had not a nervous member screamed, " I disapprove of strife ;
Stop ! or I fetch my Father, a noted man of gore,
Experienced in handling a ' Gyppy ' Camel Corps ! "
****••
Great peace ensued. They kissed again, like dear mock-
turtle doves,
Household and Line and Yeomanry, and called each other
"loves " ;
And by unanimous consent elected BELLA SQUEERS,
Third cousin to a Captain in the " Bounding Buccaneers."
A DISCLAIMER. — We are authorised to state, clearly and
emphatically, that Mr. HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE, speaking as
The Darling of the Gods and of other parts of the house,
absolutely declines to accept the very slightest responsibility
for the present unhappy rupture of amicable relations
between Russia and Japan. He has looked at matters by
the light of the Red Lamp, and tried to bring about a personal
meeting between the astute Russian diplomatist who was the
principal personage in that play and Zakkuri, the Mikado's
Minister of State, now on a visit to His Majesty's. Mr. TREE
regrets being compelled to declare such contemplated meet-
ing to be absolutely impracticable.
IN real life, the London letter-writer on the Westminster
informs us, the real name of " Mr. MAARTEN MAARTENS " is
" JOOST M. W. POORTEN-SCHWARTZ." Joost SO.
PICKY BACK.
(Being the Seventh Passage from the reinconanation of Picklock Holes.)
THE ADVENTURE OF THE Swiss BANKER.
ONE incident — I might almost call it an adventure — which
diversified and added zest to the relations between PICKLOCK
HOLES and myself is of a character so astounding as to
completely and without the possibility of denial cast into
the shade all those adventures which my duty to posterity
no less than my vehement admiration for our one and only
unparalleled detective marvel has hitherto compelled me to
narrate. I will now endeavour to set it down, though I am
fully aware how inadequate my humble powers of literary
composition are to the task of doing j ustice to one so primus
inter pares as was (alas ! that I should have to use a tense
which, as applied to him, is his only imperfection) as was
PICKLOCK HOLES.
Much against our will we had temporarily left our comfort-
able bourgeois quarters in Baker Street. It was no easy
matter for us, as may well be imagined, to tear ourselves
away with so many investigations unfinished. When I say
that the shocking murders in the Rue Morgue, and the all
but inexplicable mystery of MARIE ROGET — affairs which had
been so disgracefully bungled by M. DUPIN and Mr. POE of
the united Paris and New York police — had been but recently
confided to Mr. HOLES, it will be understood that our natural
reluctance to depart had become well nigh insuperable.
Still, duty is duty, and when the Duke COSIMO DI MONTE
CARLO called upon us one day and offered HOLES a year of his
ducal income if he would discover the whereabouts of his
erring son, the Marchese CASINO DEI ROULETTI, we could no
longer hesitate.
Having, therefore, given the landlady strict instruction!
to keep the Baker Street Rifle Club in full activity and to
put any inquirers from the Free Trade Union off the scent,
we departed one morning from Charing Cross with two
black bags and a guide to polite conversation in four
languages, and on the following morning, HOLES as usual
taking the lead and driving all the railway engines, we
found ourselves deposited in a bright little town on one of
the many shores of the Mediterranean. Why we had come
to that*precise place I know not, nor did I gather its name.
It was enough for me that HOLES was my leader. I ought to
add that, the better to conceal ourselves and our mission
from prying eyes, HOLES had assumed the disguise of a Swiss
banker, while I was garbed as his sister, a not unprepossess-
ing lady of forty-five summers, wearing a large hat witli
plumes and carrying a small yellow reticule suspended by a
gold chain from my left wrist. Thus attired nobody could
possibly have suspected that it was us, nor, if we could have
seen ourselves, could we have imagined that we were other
than what we appeared to be.
The scene as we entered what I afterwards learnt was the
Ducal Palace was indeed a brilliant one, with its gathering of
rank and fashion and beauty and wealth from all the quarters
of the globe. HOLES, however, paid no attention to it, but,
brushing his way haughtily and inductively past the in-
numerable obsequious and liveried attendants, he made his
way swiftlv to a gorgeously decorated inner hall, where
crowds of Europe's bluest-blooded aristocracy were mingled
with all that America could show of millionaires round
numerous large tables on which was proceeding a game that
was as obviously moneyed as it was manifestly mysterious.
"PoTSON," said HOLES in a tremor of excitement, as we
paused before one of these tables, " POTSON, do you see that
man?" He pointed to an individual decently dressed in
black, who was spinning a small ivory ball in a wheel set
in the centre of the table. " That, unless I am mistaken —
but tush ! listen to him."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— FEBRUARY 17, 1904.
. /*
JOSEPH IN EGYPT.
SHADE OF PHARAOH. '" JOSEPH ?— JOSEPH ?' I SEEM TO KNOW THE NAME, BUT I CAN'T
RECALL YOUR FACE."
FEBRUARY 17, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
113
FEBRUARY, 1904.
Dealer. " 'E JUMPS LIKE A CAT, SIR, GALLOPS LIKE A RACE-HOUSE —
Customer. " OH, BOTHER ALL THAT ! CAS as SWIM ? "
Saying this lie pushed me into a chair next to the person
in question, at the very moment when the weird phrase
" Renny var ploo " — the meaning of which I did not under-
stand— fell from his lips.
" Do you hear that ? " hissed HOLES. " The last word was
'ploo,' which rhymes to 'you.' Changing the pronoun
we get ' I.' The other words you heard are Roumanian for
' am the missing heir,' and the full sentence, therefore, is
' I am the missing heir.' The fool has betrayed himself, and
the reward will certainly be ours."
"But, HOLES— " I began.
" Silence, POTSON," whispered HOLES menacingly. " Silence,
and observe me."
At this instant the massive figure of Duke Cosmo was
plainly visible on the opposite side of the table. Horror was
depicted upon his brow ; his mouth was working convul-
sively. HOLES waited no longer. Taking a roll of banknotes
from his pocket he handed them to me, instructing me where
to place them. 1 did as he ordered me, and in a moment the
notes were swept away. Again, again, and yet again the
same proceeding took place, until at last I heard HOLES say,
" The trap is baited. Now for the revelation."
With these words he made his way through the 'crowd,
seized the man I have described, and, having ordered me in
| a low voice to lay hold of all the money within my reach,
shouted out in clear tones so that the whole astonished room
could hear: — •
" Duke, this is your son, the Marquis Cosmo ! He has
led the life of a croupier" — this, I have been told, means
the life of a rake — " but it is yet tune for him to reform,
and to cast new lustre on the great name he bears."
The excitement and the confusion were at first frightful,
but order was at last restored, and the Duke was eventually
compelled to acknowledge his son, and to pay to HOLES the
stipulated reward of ten million francs in gold.
" POTSON," said HOLES, as he pocketed the sum, " I shall
place no less than one hundred francs to your credit."
" HOLES," I sobbed, " you are too generous. To be known
as your friend is credit enough for me."
ANOTHER CASE OF PRECOGNITION.
MR. WILLIAM SYKES writes : — "An experience of mine will,
1 think, interest your readers. A little while ago I was,
through a misunderstanding and some hard constabulary
swearing, sentenced to six months in one of His Majesty's
prisons. On entering the cell I was suddenly conscious
that I had been there lnfore."
PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 17, 1904.
PHILOSOPHER AND PHILANTHROPIST.
" YBARS ago" confesses Mr. FREDERIC HARRISON in The Fort-
nightly for February, "I wrote, a piece urging Millionaires to
eonsidt'i- if their public benefactions might not be as use/ally
bestou-ed on the drama as on libraries and laboratories.^
If, as seems a plausible conjecture, the "piece Mr.
HARRISON wrote was a dramatic composition, it is a thousand
pities that no Manager has, as yet, had the enterprise to
produce it. . , ,
Is it possible that the following scene (which has been
communicated to Mr. Punch " from a usually well-informed
source ") may be a fragment from this colossal work i Mr. f.
himself prefers to express no opinion, merely remarking that
the hero's name, " DERFERIO RASHIRON," reads suspiciously
like an anagram, while; from internal evidence,— but the
scene had better be left to speak for itself.
ACT VII., Re. 21.— The Study of Mr. CADMUS K. VOLLUM-
DUMPER, the American Multi-Millionaire. Mr. V. discovered
at work with a cigar in his mouth.
Butler (announcing). Mr. DERFERIC EASHIRON !
[Mr. RASHIRON enters. Butler retires.
Mr. Rashiron. Mr. VOLLUMDUMPER, I come in the hope of
enlisting your sympathies on behalf of—
Mr. Vollumdumper (genially). That 's all right, Mr. HASH-
IRON. Sit right down. Any little thing I can do for you in
the nature of a library or a laboratory —
Mr. Rash, (sadly). Thanks— but neither would be of any
appreciable benefit in this case. I am here, Mr. VOLLUM-
DUMPER, to plead the cause of a once great educational
instrument, now fallen from her high estate upon evil days.
Mr. Voll. (with ready sympathy). Some decayed School-
marm ? Well, I 've never forgotten all I owe to my old
School-marm. Say now, Mr. RASHIRON, how would it be if I
purchased one of your leading Public Schools as a going con-
cern and fixed up your on-fortunate client as head-mistress ?
Mr. Rash. You mistake me. The client I represent is the
British Drama.
Mr. Voll. You don't mean to say the British Drama is as
reduced as all that !
Mr. Rash, (impressively). It is suffering from a complaint
which afflicts us all— an impatience of continuous attention,
of serious thought, of any hitch in our ease, our luxuries, or
our indulgences — in brief, a sort of tarantula of restlessness,
which makes us skip from one pleasant spot to the next
without greatly enjoying any one in peace !
Mr. Voll. (concerned). Mr. RASHIRON, if you re feeling BO
Lad as all that, you want to go right home and take a Nerve
Tonic. That 's what you want to do. You 've been using
up the grey matter of your brain, Sir !
Mr. Rash, (slightly annoyed). When I said we were afflicted
in that way, I did not mean Myself — I meant almost every-
body else.
Mr. Voll This is an age of Hustle, Sir, and that '• a fact.
But where does the British Drama come in ?
Mr. Rash. It doesn't come in — it is going out. I assure
you that the People who will sit steadily through three hours
of intellectual drama is really very limited.
Mr. Voll. I guess that don't astonish me. Three hours
on end of intellectual drama would be apt, in my case, to
result in considerable cramps.
Mr. Rash. It may cramp the body, but it enlarges the
mind. However, the modern Playgoer cares for nothing but
" Stars," gorgeous robes, and nauseous sensations.
Mr. Voll. (interested). Is that so ? And among your popular
"Stars," Sir CHARLES WYNDHAM, Mr. JOHN HARE, Mr. TREE,
Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER, Mr. BOURCHIER, and so on, which
should you consider was dressing himself up most gorgeous
and providing the most nauseous sensations just now ?
Mr Rash. Why— er— to tell you the truth, I haven t had
the patience to go and see any of their productions lately.
I know that, as Drama, they would be beneath my contempt.
[ was referring more particularly to the deplorable craze ior
Musical Comedy. ,. ,
Mr. Voll. Then it's Musical Comedy which supplies the
demand for nauseating sensations ?
Mr. Rash. So I understand from my friend Mr. JOHN HARE.
I need hardly say I do not patronise such entertainments
myself.
Mr. Voll. Well, you seem pretty well posted anyway. .But
what I don't catch on to at present, Mr. RASHIRON, is just
where you imagine I 'm. going to be of any use to you.
Mr. Rash, (eagerly). If you only would, Mr. VOLLUMDUMPER, you
might be the Herodes Attieus of a revived Athenian Drama !
Mr. Voll. I 'm ever so sorry to disappoint you, Mr.
RASHIRON, but I never had any gift for play-acting,
guess if I was to make my debut on the boards in an
Athenian drama, I shouldn't get bouquets flung at me— not
to any great extent. Besides, I 've no opinion of these old
Athenian writers. I once dipped into Homer in a translation
-but I couldn't get along with him. No, Sir .'
Mr. Rash, (pained). I am not asking you to act in a
theatre, my dear Mr. VOLLUMDUMPEH. I merely ask you to
•ndmo one.
Mr. Voll. Is that your idea? But what am I going to
endow a theatre for ?
Mr. Rash. Why, to enable it to produce a constant suc-
cession of all the great British masterpieces that have been
undeservedly forgotten, and make it independent of the
cash taken at the doors.
Mr. Voll. I reckon that item would be a negligible quantity
anyway.
Mr. Rash. Possibly. Then we should put an end to the
detestable 'Long runs' which are almost forced upon
Managers nowadays by our five or six million playgoers.
We should give no play for more than two or three nights
together.
Mr. Voll. Not even if all those five or six million playgoers
were yearning to come and see it ? That does sound harsh !
I presume you have a sufficient stock of forgotten British
masterpieces to enable you to worry along for a year or so at
three nights apiece ?
Mr. Rash. We need not depend entirely on the Past.
If one of our leading playwrights were to offer us a drama
that struck us as possessing sufficient merit, we Bhould not
be unwilling to produce it.
Mr. Voll. And may I take it your leading playwrights are
all in revolt against this detestable ' long run ' system ?
Mr. Rash. I have received assurances of sympathy from
no less than five of our principal dramatists, who would,
I am sure, all consider it an honour to have their works
performed on such a stage as ours, quite apart from any
sordid pecuniary considerations.
Mr. Voll. They 'd ruther have a three nights' run with
you than a year at the ordinary playhouses? Well now,
that 's vurry creditable to them ! And who are going to
perform in these dramas ?
Mr. Rash. A cultivated and highly trained company,
engaged at small permanent salaries, with a perpetual
interchange of parts.
Mr. Voll. And will they be equal in talent to the ordinary
popular theatrical " Stars " ?
Mr. Rash. Equal ? The additional experience they will
acquire will soon render them infinitely superior.
Mr. Voll. And yet they '11 stay on with hard work and
small salaries, and never want to set up as Stars on their own
account ? I 'd no idea such beautiful natures existed, Mr.
RASHIRON ! Seems a pity, though, there '11 be no Public to
appreciate their self-denial.
FEBRUARY 17, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
115
Mr. Rash. No Public ? Out of five or six million play-
goers ! My dear Sir !
Mr. Voll. I understood you to remark that these five or BIX
million playgoers were skipping about so under the influence
of bites from restless tarantulas they cann't give their attention
to anything but nauseous sensations ?
Mr. Rash. That unhappily is so. But an Endowed Theatre
will educate them to appreciats the Intellectual Drama.
Mr. Voll. But they 've got to come to it first to be educated.
And they ain't likely to come till they are. Tliat 'B where
the sawdust seems to me to sort of trickle out of your Bcheme,
Sir.
Mr. Rash. Putting that aside, is there no glory m being
the very first philanthropist to endow a theatre ? Is it nothing
to feel secure of the applause of Posterity ?
Mr. Voll. I guess you cann't fill a playhouse with the
applause of Posterity. It appears to me that a vurry essential
requisite to an endowed theatre, with a permanent company
on permanent salaries, is a permanent audience. And I
don't j ust seem to see that permanent audience.
Mr. Rash. I have a list here of distinguished people who
have signed an appeal for a Subsidised Stage, most of whom,
I should say, would probably attend its performances.
(Proudly) The signatories number over seventy already.
.Mr. Voll. Quite a nice little crowd, Mr. RASHIRON ! But
say, don't you think they 'd feel a bit lonesome inside a
palatial subsidised playhouse? What's the matter with
inducing your friends to club together for themselves and
endow some suitable back-drawing-room ?
[The remainder of this scene is unfortunately misting.
VANISHING CHANCES.
[Speaking of the new Defence Act, tinder which the' State is in
certain cases to bear the cost of defending prisoners, Mr. Justice
BIOHAM, at the Manchester Winter Assizes, was tempted to regret the
various steps by which our legislation had gradually taken away from
the unfortunate prisoner every chance of escape.]
THERE was once a time when Justice was more merciful by far,
And, if blinder, she was kinder to the prisoner at the bar,
For she bade him stand in silence while the tear-drops in his
eyes
Mutely glistened as he listened to the prosecutor's lies.
There is nothing like dumb sorrow in the rhetorician's art
For appealing to the feeling of a jury's tender heart :
So the culprit wept his hardest, looked a martyr, and in short
He was pitied and acquitted by a sympathetic Court.
Then said Justice, " Give him counsel if he 's got the means
to pay,"
And she surely meant it purely in the very kindest way ;
So (lie culprit was defended and his case could set no more
Ix'^al science at defiance as it used to do before.
But his counsel still could argue, "Lo! my client's lips are
shut.
Could you hear him, you 'd revere him as an injured martyr,
but—
And the aposiopesis might be calculated to
Rob the jury of their fury and to bring the culprit through.
\i-\t s;tid Justice, after pondering the problem in her breast —
Nerd I mention her intention was entirely for the best? -
" Let the prisoner summon witnesses to strengthen his defence,
If he fancies there are chances thus to prove his innocence."
So the witnesses were summoned to the sessions, as you know ;
They were flustered, and they blustered, and they made a
sorry show ;
Even jurymen saw through them, their offences were so rank,
So their fictions brought convictions and the prisoner's
chances sank.
THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
"ONE HUNDRED PENNY ClOARS. THAT WILL BE EOHT-AND-FOCBPENOE,
PLEASE, MADAM."
"THANK TOD. Now WILL TOU JUST PUT THEM re A FLOR DE CUBA
BOX ; BECAUSE THAT 's THE ONLY SORT MT Hl'SBAND REALLY CARES FOR ! "
Yet again said gentle Justice, " I will let him speak himself,
Nor restrict him, hapless victim, to a tongue that pleads for
pelf."
So she took away the muzzle which was seldom known to fail,
And his stammer went to hammer in his coffin one more nail ;
But he still could tell the jury, " I am poor and cannot pay
Huge expenses for defences as a richer person may "-
'Twas the only trump-card left him, but it even yet might win
On occasion his evasion from the consequence of sin.
Then a last time kindly Justice : " Never, never let it be
Said or written that in Britain 1 'in a thing of £ *. d.
Let the State provide him counsel, let her stick at no expense
To befriend him and defend him with the rarest eloquence."
Cruel kindness ! for no longer as a victim can he pose
Of a system which dismissed him undefended to his woes —
When he 's every opportunity, the chance that 's left him still
Of acquittal, lately little, now is practically nil.
Stage Actuality.
SCENE — His Majesty's Theatre during an Interval.
First Stalled Lady. Isn't it wonderfully realistic ? I can't
think how any critic can say it 's not like the actual thing.
Second Stalled Lady. Nor can I. And a friend of mine
who is just back from the Far East says that Mr. TREE has
quite caught the Japanese accent.
116
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHART VARL_ [FEBRUARY 17, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
IF Mr. JAMES MACLAREN COBBAN had bestowed a trifle more
care on construction when developing the well-imagined plot
of The Iron Hand (JOHN LONG), he would have given us a
story, not less absorbing, but far easier to follow through
its various scenes. Pity that to this author it should be so
difficult to keep out of hia romance a kind of inferior
Sherlock Holmes, instead of taking the trouble to invent
a brand-new type exactly suited to his purpose. The
characters are well devised, the dialogue is generally to
the point ; and the action throughout stimulates the reader's
curiosity.
In The American Prisoner (METHUEN) Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS
makes a new departure from the novels that have justly
established his fame. It and they have in common the
plains and hills of Dartmoor and the vigorous life of Dart.
In his latest work Mr. PHILLPOTTS has essayed a more
elaborate plot, which takes longer in working out, and
demands fuller muster of dramatis persona. My Baronite
cannot say it lures him from his early love, The River. But
it is a masterful book, grounded upon historical interest, full
of dramatic episodes, enriched by the talk of rustics recalling
THOMAS HARDY at his best. One of the strongest characters
is Lovey Lee, the gipsy miser with a capacity for miscellaneous
crime perhaps not rare in woman. Peter Noreot is another
type of villain drawn with strong sure hand. Apart from
rustic humour the sombreness of the story is relieved by the
nobility and self-sacrifice displayed by the half-gipsy youth,
John Lee. In sternly realistic manner the narrative recalls
scenes in Merrie England during the tune of the titanic
struggle with NAPOLEON.
To their series of Highicays and Byways Messrs. MACMILLAN
have added a volume on Sussex. Mr. E. V. LUCAS supplies
the letterpress, which is charmingly and liberally illustrated
by Mr. FREDERICK GRIGGS. The work is less a guide-took
than prattle, light but learned, about the districts dealt with.
As Mr. LUCAS puts it in happy phrase, his aim has been
rather to gather a Sussex bouquet than to present facts to
the prosaic traveller. The result is a charming volume
My Baronite fancies the next best thing to going on a little
tour through Sussex is to sit down and read Mr. LUCAS'S chat
about its highways and byways, the eye dwelling with
pleasure on the sketches of Mr. GRIGGS.
Thoroughly appreciating the lightness of touch and the
delicacy of humour that are the characteristics of Mr. ARCHER'S
journalistic work, the Baron hailed with pleasure the appear
ance of a volume from his pen entitled Real Conversation
(HEINEMANN), to which he expected to find some sub-titL
qualifying the descriptive adjective. But he was dis
appointed : it turns out to be a plain though not very simpl*
record of his dialogues with various persons, most of whose
names are as household words to all who, in England at least
are in any way conversant with literature and drama
Mr. WILLIAM ARCHER pays twelve visits and (alas, the word !
"interviews" twelve different persons, each one in hi
own home. We know now what Mr. ARCHER says when
he calls upon Mr. PINERO, how he commences a conversation
with Mrs. CRAIGIE or with Mr. STEPHEN PHILLIPS, and how
pleased Mr. W. S. GILBERT appears to have been to receiv
the genial interviewer at his country house : and so wit!
all his other smiling victims. Well, this sort of thin,
is a matter of taste ; as JEREMY BENTHAM puts it, "it ma
not be my taste nor your taste, but I have no righ
to condemn it as bad taste." The last (but one o
two) of the Barons, is content to let it rest at this ; an
L. T. MEADE'S story of Nurse
Charlotte (JOHN LONG) is patheti-
ally interesting, and told with
harming simplicity. The Baron
akes it for granted that the
uthor's graphic sketches of
lospital work (which, as being
uite free from anything ap-
roaching false sentimentality,
re neither particularly attrac-
ive nor peculiarly repellent) are
rue to life. If so, the moral of
bis portion of the story will
erve an excellent purpose.
ersonally he will rejoice to hear the last of " The Last of
Interviewers."
THE
BARON
DE
ON A RECENT APPOINTMENT.
a French piece produced some few years
NOTE
THERE was
igo entitled Les Deux Gosses, played at the Ambigu, a
heatre nominally most appropriate for its production, there
jeing evidently a certain ambiguity about the title. Of
:ourse, there never were Deux Gosses — il n'y en a quun, and
hat is EDMUND GOSSE, author of, amongst some twenty
rolumes of prose and verse, "Gosse sips in a Library," so
suggestive of not drinking too deep of the Pierian spring ;
and now, having been appointed Librarian to the House of
liords, he will be able to indulge to the full his thirst for
mowledge. For his rare wit and humour Mr. GOSSE was
sreated a Knight of the Royal Norwegian Order of St. Olaf,
,he patron, as the sound of the name implies, of merriment.
lir. GOSSE speaks French like a Frenchman, English like an
Englishman, German as well as a German, and in various
other languages he can lecture, converse, write poetry and
Drose. And with all these accomplishments his taste is purely
3ossemopolitan.
LITTLE FARCES FOR THE FORCES.
THE NEW ARMY COUNCIL.
SCENE I. — The ante-room to the Council Chamber at the Horse
Guards. The Four Military Members are chatting together
rather nervously.
First Member. Everything is to be after the strict Admiralty
pattern, I understand. I do hope we shall not be asked to
go to sea in the Enchantress.
Second Member. I trust not ; I suffer very severely from
mal de mer. I have had an anchor tattooed on my forearm
to give local colour, and am using a strap with my overalls
instead of braces in order to hitch them up occasionally. I
trust that will give the necessary seafaring touch to my
appearance.
Third Member (producing a telescope). I have brought this
with me to carry under my arm. I have never seen any
distinguished sailor painted without one.
Fourth Member. I proposed to rub my hands this morning
with a pennyworth of tar and to chew a quid, but my wife
dissuaded me.
First Member. We shall smoke long churchwardens and
drink hot rum-and-water, I presume.
Second Member. 1 think that is only done in Black-eyed
Susan.
Third Member. A great command of nautical language is
no doubt necessary.
Fourth Member. I have memories of some of MARRYAT'S
novels.
[A Messenger attired as a Margate Pier Official appears,
touches his cap and tells the Four Military Members
FEBRUARY 17, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
117
BETWEEN THE ACTS.
Governess. "WELL, MABJORIE, HIVE TOD DONE ORYINO?"
Marjorit. "No — I HAVEN'T. I'M ONLY sssnvo!"
that the Secretary of State awaits
tliem in the State Cabin. The
Fourth. Member says "Ay, ay"
feebly, and tliey follow the Mes-
senger through tlie door.
SCENE II. — The interior of the Council
Chamber, which is decorated with
stars of cutlasses, cltain shot, cap-
tured naval ensigns, handspikes and
coils of rope. The Secretary of State
for War, in o frock-coat with
epaulettes stitched on to it, a patch
over one eye, and a cocked hat with
skull and cross-bones on it, sits at
the head of a long table with a
cutlass, a sextant, and a book of
Admiralty Regulations before him.
The Financial Secretary and Per-
manent Under-Secretary, similarly
disguised, sit at the other end.
Secretary of State {as the Military
Members enter). Ship ahoy! Bring your-
selves to an anchor, my brave lads.
First Member. Ay, ay, Mate. I'll
pick up my moorings here. [He sits.
Secretary of State (to Second Member).
Go under the Under-Secretary's etern
and haul up alongside here.
Second Member. Ay, ay. England
expects that every man — - Ay, ay, Sir.
[Sit*.
Secretary of State. You other sons of
sea cooks sling your hammocks where
you like.
Third Member. Then we '11 bring up
with a round turn where we are.
[They sit.
Secretary of State. How many bells
have gone ?
Permanent Under - Secretary. Eight,
your honour.
Secretary of State. Make it so ! (With
change of manner) Gentlemen, you will
pardon me if my nautical language fails
me, but I have a horror of the sea and
all appertaining to it. However, with
the assistance — the kind assistance — of
the experts who secured the NELSON
statuette, I have transformed this room
into an exact model of the Admiralty
Board Room, and I congratulate you on
your striking resemblance to Lords of
the Admiralty.
{The Members rise and bow.
First Member. We reciprocate your
sentiments unanimously.
Secretary of State. We shall naturally
proceed at once to remodel the Army on
the lines of the Navy.
Third Member. I would suggest that
Army Corps should be hereafter known
as Fleets.
Fourth Member. A General transmuted
to an Admiral will ipso facto become
an efficient officer.
Second Member. And the substitution
of " A Life on tlie Ocean Wave " for
" The British Grenadiers " will enable
Tommy the Handy Man to go anywhere
and do anything.
Secretary of State. The Hornpipe will
of course be taught both at Sandhurst
and at Woolwich, and I have instructed
the Clothing Department at Pimlico in
future to cut the biennial issue of trousers
tight at the knee and loose over the shoe.
I feel sure that the paean of delight with
which the country has received the con-
version of the War Office into an Admi-
ralty will be repeated if we can only
make of the Army a first-class Steam
Reserve. Now to details.
[TJiey become absorbed in details.
LATEST mow THE FAR EAST. — It is
semiofficially stated that as a result of
her efforts to obtain an ice-free outlet
Russia has already succeeded in getting
into warm water, but is still searching
for the way out.
SPORTING MOTTO. — "Give a fox a bad
name and hunt him."
Loafer..," WOULD TOD HKDLY GIMME A SUBSCRIPTION, MADAM, FOB A SOCIETY AS I BELONGS TO?
Lady. "WHAT'S THE SOCIETY?"
Loafer. "It's— ER— WELL, IT'S A PUBLIC SOCIETY. WE ENDOW 'OUSES, MADAM, FOB THE
PURPOSE o' PVTTIH' DOWN THJ DRINK."
SYMPATHISING WITH JAPAN.
EVERYONE is, or ought to be, praising
"the plucky little Japs." No one, not
even the New York Herald -writers,
could] admire the methods of govern-
ment and diplomacy which prevail in
Russia. But the idiots in a provincial
theatre, who hissed some quite inoffen-
sive performers because they were
Russians, were sublime in their stupidity.
If our neutrality, combined with reason-
able personal sympathy for Japan, is to
be displayed in this manner, we may
soon expect to read such items of news
as the following : —
some caviare.
day evening at the Amphitryon Res
taurant. One of the diners orderei
The waiter explainec
Th
hea
waiter, who offered him Japanese ric
instead. By this time the dispute ha
that caviare was no longer served,
gentleman complained to the
f
attracted the attention of the othe
diners, who rose in a body. When
peace was restored, the unfortunate
gentleman was rescued from a position
of great discomfort under a broken
table, and proved not to be a Russian
at all, but a Mr. JOHN ROBINSON of
London.
Yesterday a lady walking in the Park
olice, after repeatedly charging the
nob, saved her from attack. It was
icn discovered that she was supposed
be wearing a mantle of Russian
able. However, when she explained
jat it was only imitation, and almost
ertainly made in London, the crowd
heered her loudly and dispersed.
A bootmaker's shop in Oxford Street
was entirely wrecked the night before
ast. Just as the magistrates were
bout to send for the military and read
he Riot Act, the cause of the tumult
vas explained. It appeared that a pair
brown boots in the window was
belled "Best Russia." A passer-by,
issuming these words to imply the
.iperiority of the Muscovite Empire,
_jr he was too excited to notice the
joots, raised a cry of indignation, and
he building was almost completely
wrecked before the mistake was made
lear.
A gentleman of studious appearance,
and wearing spectacles, was yesterday
observed to be reading the English
ranslation of a novel by TOLSTOI in a
District Railway train. The other occu-
aauts of the compartment nearly tore
lis clothes off his back, and threw him
out on the platform at South Kensing-
ton station. It was then found that
was a schoolmaster at Baling, and
not a Russian professor, as was sup-
posed.
The establishment of a provision
merchant and grocer at Brixton was
burnt down yesterday evening, after an
extraordinary outbreak of popular vio-
lence. It appears that he sold eggs at
various prices, and that a customer, who
had bought some of the cheapest quality,
stated publicly, or in a public-house,
that they were imported from Russia.
About seven hours later, in the early
hours of the morning, when the building
was entirely gutted, and the mob was
kept back by the infantry drawn up at
the end of all the neighbouring streets,
the grocer was able to prove, to the
satisfaction of the police authorities,
that the eggs were new-laid and came
from Canada.
Without waiting for the Borough
Council to take action, the residents in
St. Petersburgh Place, Bayswater, fearing
popular violence, have removed all the
inscriptions of the name in that street,
and have substituted the words " Tokio
Terrace."
A fearful scene was witnessed yester- i was followed by a hooting crowd. The
A New Vogue.
LadyCaller. Is Mrs. HAMILTON at home?
Maid. No, Mum.
Lady Caller. But I thought this was
her " at home " day.
Maid. So it used to be, Mum, but
she "s had no time for it since she took
up Cruelty to Children.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— FEBRUARY 17, 1904.
; CATCH AS CATCH CAN."
RUSSIAN BEAR. " HERE ! I SAY, AVAST HEAVING ! I WASN'T READY ! "
FEBRUARY 17, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
121
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY or TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday night,
February 8. — Have often observed that
depth of d illness is plumbed in Commons
when it enters upon debate with long pre-
paration. Here we are at last unmuzzled,
as Mr. 0. said when in an earlier century
he, thrown out at Oxford University,
went down to Lancashire. Last Session
none of us dared open our mouth on the
Fiscal Question under pain of 1'itixrK
ARTHUR'S shocked displeasure. Members
grew accustomed to beholding sudden
transformation. One, moment he would
be sitting smiling, debonair, on Treasury
Bench. Someone, greatly daring, asked
him what Ministers were going to do
about DON JOSE'S scheme of Fiscal
Reform. Instantly transmogrification
took place. Secret was disclosed that
behind a smiling countenance PRINCE
ARTHUR hid an ahgry face. His anger
was terrible to look upon.
By and by it became the practice of
Members about to put the question to
assume a position equivalent to being in
laager. On the Opposition side the
brothers WASON found themselves in
singular request. At question time
their company was sought with a per-
tinacity that became embarrassing. No
one is quite certain which is the loftier
height. Clackmannan claims pre-
eminence for EUGENE ; Orkney and Shet-
land swear (in Gaelic) for CATHCAHT.
However that be, there is historical record
that united height of Bounding Brothers
is 12 ft. 6 ins. and their aggregate weight
36 stone 5 Ibs. avoirdupois. To whatever
lengths PRINCE ARTHUR'S anger might
carry him, howsoever his eyes might
flash, his brow frown, a man firing off a
question about Fiscal Policy entrenched
behind either WASON was physically safe.
These little manoeuvres no longer
necessary. Yester year, driven into a
corner by DON Josh's activity, having, as
he frankly admitted, no settled con-
victions on question of Fiscal Reform,
PRINCE ARTHUR hit upon happy device of
appointing departmental committee of
inquiry. Jt was a sort of Vehmgericht,
meeting in secret. Few knew where,
not many could repeat the names of the
Members composing it. What the House
of Commons knew only too well was that
as long as this dread inquest was going
forward no Member must speak of Fiscal
Reform in hearing of Prime Minister.
Little game now played out. Embargo
removed ; the most inconsiderable
Member may say "Fiscal Reform"
without danger of losing his head.
Nay, amendments may be moved and
Ministers are boldly challenged to
declare on which side of the fence they
mean to descend. It is true that, owing
to accidents all deplore, there is no one
"HEAR, HEAR ! " FROM THE DUKE.
" Mr. Chamberlain possesses in marked and peculiar degree the genius of friendship."
to reply. Let us be thankful for small
mercies. It is at least something to
have regained the privilege of being
allowed to ask.
Itmust be confessed that the Millennium
has brought not ecstasy but depression.
Already on this, the first, night of the
far-trumpeted advance in battle array,
Members on both sides are yawning and
wondering when it will be over. Only
interesting feature in to-night's debate
was to watch ST. MICHAEL AND ALL ANGELS
trying to walk on both sides of the way.
An avowed Free Trader, he cannot enrol
himself under the flag unfurled by DON
JOSE. JOHN MORLEY'S amendment, before
the House to-night, is aimed directly at
the twentieth century Unauthorised
Programme. But, being cast in the form
of an amendment to the Address, it is
technically a vote of no confidence in
Ministers. If carried, they must go, and
C.-B. would march in.
Now ST. MICHAEL has a horror of C.-B.
that finds no justification in that much-
abused statesman's character or career.
To the ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer
lie is what the historical sherry, adver-
tised as an antidote to gout, was to Lord
DERBY'8 grandfather. As between C.-B.
and Protection ST. MICHAEL has tried
both and prefers Protection. So, having
extorted applause from the Opposition
by hesitating dislike of DON JOSE'S
policy, he sat down amid ringing cheers
from Ministerialists hailing his declara-
tion that he would vote against the
amendment which denounced it.
Business done. — Debate on Fiscal
Reform dully opened.
Tuesday night. — Except the MEMBER
FOR SARK and the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD few
Members in present House were present
at the historic scene when Major
O'GoRMAN made his maiden speech.
It was & propos of NEWDEGATE'S annual
motion relating to conventual institu-
tions. Desirous of enabling his audi-
ence to realise enormity of proposition
the Major attempted to sink his
thunderous voice to a feminine whisper,
put on mincing manner, and related
imaginary conversation between a Nun
of Royal birth and one of NEWDEQATE'S
inquisitors.
Said the Nun (according to the Major),
"My sire is a king; my mother was
the daughter of the sixth JAMES of
122
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 17, 1904.
\
THE MARIONETTES AT LOGGERHEADS.
In the absence of the master-hand the wires
figures are all dancing different steps.
(Mr. G-r-ld B-lf-r and
Scotland and the first JAMES of Eng-
land. His mother, Sir, was Queen
Regent of Scotland —
The Major climbed no higher up the
genealogical tree. Laughter grew so
boisterous the Nun was inaudible, even
when she roared in the Major's natural
voice.
Since that far-oS time — it was thirty
years ago next June — House has heard
nothing more delicious than ROWLAND
HUNT'S speech. Don't know the gentle-
man ; never saw him before ; evidently a
recent importation ; certainly his maiden
speech ; carefully prepared, fully written
out, read with unction. First thing
that attracted House was emphasis with
which, after consulting MS., he de-
claimed the line, "Hope springs eternal
in the human breast." Seem to have
heard it before. Quite new to HUNT,
who looked round searchingly to see
how the novelty struck Members.
"I know a man," he added a few
minutes later. This not unusual in
individual cases. Long, anxious pause
followed, HUNT looking up his man
through disarranged leagues of manu-
script. House, now on the alert, eagerly
awaited introduction. And what a man
he was when found ! Had set forth on
a voyage, whether to Southend or more
distant Margate not mentioned. On
the voyage a great change was wrought.
Stepping on ooard a Free Trader, the
starry silent firmament, the illimitable,
inscrutable sea, the changed circum-
stances of his sordid life, worked a
miracle.
He came back a convinced Chamber-
lainite.
This impressive. Mr. HUNT could be
AT .LOGGERHEADS.
would appear to have got a bit mixed, and the
Mr. Alfr-d L-ttrlt-n.)
sarcastic too. His voice vibrated with
scorn when he pictured "the spirit of
the mighty COBDEN, quitting his home
in some distant star, returning to earth
to find his ancient foibles no longer
predominant."
Climax reached in passage almost a
paraphrase of Major O'GORMAN'S glowing
prose.
"Seated under one of England's
mighty oaks," observed Mr. HUNT,
turning over a fresh page, " was an
ancient Druid. There came by BOADICEA,
Briton, Warrior, Queen, her back seared
with the Roman lash."
BOADICEA'S remarks and the Druid's
rejoinder were unfortunately lost in the
prolonged shout of laughter that fol-
lowed. Mr. HUNT, looking up over the
rim of his manuscript, regarded up-
roarious scene with curious interest.
What on earth were they laughing
about? Couldn't imagine. However,
this was the prize passage in his essay ;
cost him a lot of work. They should
have it all. So he pounded along, mix-
ing up the Druid with COBDEN, BOADICEA
with DON JOSE, whilst Members rolled
on their seats in paroxysm of laughter.
Business done. — Further debate on
JOHN MORLEY'S amendment.
Friday night. — That was high praise,
finely phrased, that JOHN MORLEY be-
stowed upon DON JOSE. " He possesses
in marked and peculiar degree the
genius of friendship." Experientia
doect. J. M., as he said, has known
DON Jos6 during half a lifetime, and
has within that period had oppor-
tunity of testing friendship's varying
moods. As COUNTY GUY discovered
when he differed from his Unionist
ally on the question of Free Trade,
adhesion to DON JOSE'S views at a par-
ticular epoch is indispensable to main-
tenance of friendly relations.
With that reservation the tribute paid
in the House on Tuesday night was
well deserved. Relentless as an enemy,
DON JOSE is priceless as a friend. He
will do anything, and, what is some-
times even more valuable, will insist
upon others doing something, for faith-
ful adherents. There is a touch of
pathos in his relations, running back
for more than thirty years, with the
late POWELL WILLIAMS and the happily
still living JESSE COLLINCIS.
" My dear TOBY," he once said to me,
" you may gird at me as you like ; say
what you please. I don't care. But I
do beg you as a personal favour not to
hold up to ridicule JESSE COLLINGS or
POWELL WILLIAMS."
Rarely has friendship laid on a
coffin so costly a garland as was placed
on that of POWELL WILLIAMS by the
hand of a statesman who on the Conti-
nent is regarded as a sort of man-eating
ogre, who by a large section of the pub-
lic at home is looked upon as a relent-
less, adamantinely - hard, self-seeking
politician, eager only to serve his own
ends, relentless in trampling down any
who stray in the way. On the eve of a
great Parliamentary battle, where he
alone had skill and strength to with-
stand a combined attack personally
directed against him, eager as ever for
the delight of battle, conscious of the
value of this last opportunity of defining
and defending his position, he withdrew
ASOTHER UNCONSCIOUS HUMORIST.
" Seated under one of England's mighty oaks,
Mr. Speaker, was an ancient Druid —
(Screams of laughter.)
(Mr. R-wl-nd H-nt.)
FEBRUARY 17, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
123V
124
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 17, 1904.
from the fight, slirinking from
breaking the silence of his old
friend's newly-dug grave by the
brawl of political faction.
There is nothing novel or sur-
prising in this for those who know
DON JosiS behind the veil of private
life. It will, I fancy, strike] an un-
expected chord in the public breast.
Business done. — Still harping on
the MORLEY amendment.
CHARIVARIA.
UNIVERSAL indignation is ex-
pressed in Russia that Japan should
have commenced hostilities without
consulting Russia as to whether the
date was a convenient one.
War is a very terrible thing, but
I fancy we all agree with the Daily
Mail, that better war than that the
Daily Mail's forecast as to the inevi-
tability of the conflict should have
proved wrong.
A correspondent complains of
the difficulty of getting hold of a
Japanese flag. The Russians are
experiencing a similar difficulty.
"PLAIN LIVING."
" QUITE SERIOUS," in the Daily
Mail, writes on the subject of
University allowances : — " I should
like to say that many under-
graduates are living respectably
and comfortably on £700 a year —
certainly at the smaller colleges."
Mr. Punch has received the follow-
ing additional letters on this sub-
ject : —
SIR, — You will be surprised to
learn that last year I only overdrew
my father's allowance to me, of
j £650 a year, by £400. After this
I can it be honestly said that the old
j Universities are expensive ? My
j father is a country parson, and
j has only nine sons. Verbum suff.,
i as we say in the " Little-Go."
Yours, &c.,
ECONOMY IN SMALL THINGS.
SIR, — I am glad this corre-
spondence has been opened. It
will do good. Undergrads at the
'Varsity are needlessly swindled.
Thus my tailor's account in my first
year for fancy waistcoats was £47. j
I determined to economise, and
found in my second year that my
that, if there were any eggs among the bill for the same necessity only touched
stores, the destruction was entirely justi- £43 10s., and for that sum I obtained
i sixteen of them. This saving involved
hardly any deprivation.
Yours, &c., CAREFUL.
FBENCH TOURIST, ON A VISIT TO LONDON FOR THE FIRST
TIME, MAKES A NOTE IN HIS POCKET-BOOK OF THE NAMB
OF THE STREET w WHICH HIS HOTEL is SITUATED.
fiable.
The CZAR has been kissed by a large
body of naval cadets. Our natural pre-
judice in favour of our own allies still
leaves us some humane feelings for the
other side, and we therefore proffer to
His Majesty our respectful sympathy.
The latest war news is that Holland
will be neutral, also Switzerland, and
that Monaco and Sahara will, of course,
play the game.
It seems to be the eternal misfortune
of Russia to be misunderstood. The charged in respect of a loan. A small
Blue Book on Tibet which has just boy borrowed a penny, and the lender— : epitome of my last year's expenditure at
been published shows that a Russian another boy -made it a condition that , .ege. I* will sliow how a young man
Mission to that, country, as to which our the borrower should pay him twopence of smlPle tastes may live, if he wishes.
Government had its suspicions, proved for it at the end of a week.
on inquiry at St. Petersburg merely to j
have been sent to convey the hope "that
An aged Malay trader, on trial for
attempted murder at Capetown, con-
fessed to having had twenty-seven wives.
The fact was mentioned in mitigation of
punishment.
We would respectfully draw Ihe
attention of Truth to a disgraceful case
SIR, — The question entirely hangs on
the style of motor-car you go in for.
Personally I have found that keeping
the hobby within due limits and only
having three of them considerably
one's expenses. One can
of 5,200 per cent, per annum being hardly include the initial outlay of
r>Wo-orl in rpsnpft nf a lr,an A c .all ±-1870 as an annual expense. I give an
comparatively cheaply.
£ s.
Clothes . . 118 10
the DALAI LAMA was very well to-day. " Spring hats have already made their Chauffeur's wages . . . . 93 12
An Alien has bequeathed £300,000 to
the London hospitals. A Desirable
Alien.
Mr. REDMOND is stated to have asked
appearance," says a writer on " Dress Repairs to Motor-cars
and Fashion." For ourselves we cannot i Petrol ....
imagine a lady looking attractive in a Private Dinners .
Gibus. ; Wine biU . . .
Tobacconist's bill
a Subscription to drag
277
32
101
69
82
30
233
10 11
2 0
A Cardiff gentleman has issued
for a day to be set apart for the discus- sheet entitled, " How to tell the time by Occasional visits to "Town
sipn of the Cause of the Deterioration in the stars to the fifth of a second every Proctor's fines ... .17
Limericks. I night for ever and ever." A rival Private coaching for " Little-
* fl „" 7 J?. " -._ 7 i *T 1
7
0
8
13
i publication is promised which will give
Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL has been asking a : the same information for ever and ever
question in the House to show his dis- and ever.
Go " (this might easily be
sacrificed) ...... 990
approval of the wholesale destruction of
stores by the military authorities at The World has come to the conclusion
Durban. That other anxious inquirer, j that Woman is not clubable. We thought
Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, who had a regrettable, that it had always been conceded that
experience at St. Albans (Hurts), holds ' it is bad form to hit a woman.
£1065 2 7
Yours, SIMPLICITY.
P-S. — This excludes a few misfortunee
I had in Turf mattsrs.
FEBRUARY 17, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
125
MR. PUNCH'S SYMPOSIA.
XI.— CAN MILLIONAIRES LIVE ON £250
A YEAR?
SCENE— The Mint.
PRESENT :
Lord Eurnliam (in the Chair).
.S'Jr Krnest Cassel.
Sir Thomas Lipton.
Mr. Pierpont Morgan.
Mr. Bnu/li'U .Martin.
Mr. Andrew Carnegie.
Mr. ('. Arthur Pearson.
Mi-. L. (!. Lozzo Money.
Mr. Rockefeller.
Lord Burnham. Gentlemen, I recently
read in an American paper that Senator
WIGGS of Oklahoma had declared that
no self-respecting citizen ought to
have more than 1000 dollars a year.
Coming so close upon Mr. JOHN
BURNS'S famous dictum that no
man's services were worth more than
£500 a year, this statement has
naturally created a great sensation
on both sides of the Atlantic.
I have therefore convened this
meeting to discuss the question,
which is bound to throw a flood
of lipht (in the Fiscal controversy,
Is it possible to live on £250 a
year ?
Mr. Rockefeller. 1 think the ad-
vantages of a strictly limited income
are greatly overlooked. Think of
the pleasure of being exempt from
begging letters.
Mr. Andrew Carnegie. Or from
the necessity of founding free
libraries.
Mr. Pierpont Morgan. Or from
putting your trust in steel.
Sir TJiomas Lipton. Or from
yachting.
Mr. C. Arthur Pearson. Or from
gilt - edged food. Personally, I
should prefer a cup of cocoa at
Express Dairy Company.
Mr. Lozzo Money. I wonder what
cates, and dining at the Carlton, the
millionaire and the ordinary man have
Sir Ernest Cassel. The poor man and Sir Ernest Casael. It comes to this,
the rich man, however, I have noticed, that if we except yachting, picture
meet on common ground much oftener collecting, entertaining, deer-stalking,
than the hurried observer supposes, racing, owning newspapers, opcru syndi-
No matter how one tries, it is impossi-
ble to pay more than a penny for a box
of matches. identical tastes.
Lord Burnham. Or for the Daily Mr. Bradley Mnrtin. In other words,
Telegraph. after deducting the cost of such special
Mr. Bradley Martin. I have done all I expenses an appertain inseparably to
could to induce the firms to bring in a the millionaire class, their expenditure is I
gold-tipped match, but without effect. the same as that of the man in the street. !
Mr. Lozzo Money. It is very difficult Sir Ernest Cassel. Yachting, for
to pay more than twopence for a glass example, could not be given up by a
of beer. j millionaire any more than his extra
Mr. Pierpont Morgan. Indeed ? The supply of Saturday soap by a chimney
beer industry must be looked into. ' sweep. It is a case of luxuries becom-
Mr. Carnegie. Many a Bank clerk on ing necessities.
the income named has a larger store of Mr. Lozzo Money. Even DIOGENES,
- poorest of cynics, had his tub.
Lord Burnham. It is not as if it
is any pleasure either to the mil-
lionaire to yacht or the sweep to
wash. Seasickness is no respecter
of Bank balances.
Mr. C. A. Pearson. Deer-stalking
again is a fatiguing series of disap-
pointments ; yet we must do it.
Sir Thomas Lipton. There is no
slave like the millionaire. For my
part I feel the bondage so acutely
that I make a point of never joining
in " Rule Britannia."
Mr. Pierpont Morgan. She cer-
tainly doesn't rule the waves in the
neighbourhood of Sandy Hook.
Sir Ernest Cassel. And the worst
of *it is, the millionaire, condemned
by the iron laws of his class to do a
number of things he does not care
about, is debarred from the pleasures
which he loves.
Mr. Carnegie. Ah. yes, how true !
I don't mind confessing that during
r the recent treasure-hunting craze I
was filled with the desire to go out
and find a disc. Not for £50, but
\
HAVE TOD
Customer (who has ordered a
THE ENCYCLOPAEDIA?"
New Assistant. " OH NO, SIB ! IT'S NOTHMO INFECTIOUS !
the I neckties than I can ever aspire to. I
should put down the requirements of a
it millionaire in the matter of neckties at
for the fun of it.
Mr. C. A. Pearson. And did you ?
Mr. Carnegie. No, I didn't dare. I
feels like to be really hard up — to be in not more than fifteen shillings a year. might have been detected. Then what
want of a good meat meal. Mr. Rockefeller. Unless of course one j an outcry ! I can see the headlines in
Mr. Rockefeller. I don't know. You must have cigars, I should fix the the papers.
see, I 'm a vegetarian, and no ROCKEFELLER j tobacco limit at about two shillings a Mr. C. A. Pearson. Not in mine.
was ever stony. The wheels of life have I week. There is no reason why a j Noblesse_ oblige.
well oiled from the millionaire should smoke two pipes at
once.
Lord Burnham. A millionaire does
with us been
beginning.
Lord Burnham. Wealth certainly has
its drawbacks, and it has its duties too.
Sir Ernest Cassel. Yes, indeed. Not
only in life, hut in death.
Mr. <'. A. I'mrson. In the case of the
Sir Thomas Lipton. The pit is the
only part of a theatre that I really care
for ; yet I have to attend first-night
not need more boots than an ordinary | performances in a box. There are lots
person. Indeed he could do with fewer of things one cannot, see from a box,
than, say, a postman or a shop-walker. Mr. Bradley Martin. 1 know a million-
Mr. Lozzo Money. Yes, and you can aire whose taste is wholly for chromo-
affectionate millionaire the prospect of now get very useful india-rubber things j lithographs ; but hia house is full of
translation to another and better world to prolong the life of a sole for some French impressionists,
loses half its charm when he thinks of weeks. Mr. Pierpont Morgan. That reminds
the extortions to which his heir will be Mr. Pierpont Morgan. True ; and have me that an income such as that pre-
subjected. you seen that admirable device for pre- scribed by the American incendiary who
Mr. Bradley Martin. The so-called serving cuffs by covering them during has brought us together (at, I may inter-
poor man does not know the misery of the day with note-paper fastened with a pose, great inconvenience to myself)
preparing for a fancy-dress ball. clip ? i would seriously impede one's operations
126
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 17, 1904.
THE ADVANTAGE OF EDUCATION.
M.F.H. (who has had occasion to reprimand Jiard^rlding stranger). " I 'M AFRAID I OTED RATUEE STHONO LANGUAGE TO TOD JUST NOW."
Stranger. " STRONG LANGUAGE ? A MERE TWITTBB, SlB. YOU SHOULD HEAR OUB MASTEB ! "
at Christie's. We should be confined
as collectors almost exclusively to the
works of the early Victorian R.A.'s.
Mr. Carnegie. And no more MILTON
manuscripts !
Mr. Pearson. Would not Mr. CHAMBER-
LAIN'S autographs do as well? I have
several.
Lord Burriham. What then, gentle-
men, is our decision ? Shall we reduce
our incomes to £250 a year — which, by
the way, is about the interest at three per
cent, on the Nobel Prize money — or shall
we make a sacrifice and go on as we are ?
[On a vote being taken, the company
decided to go on as they were.
ACCURACY ABOVE ALL THINGS.
We must never forget that two and
two make four. — Sir Robert Giffen.
SPARKLETS FROM THE SPRINTERS'
GAZETTE.
Mental meat juice, stimulating and nutritious,
distilled from the bulkiest brains of to-day.
WATT Ho !
No man was ever killed by reading a
novel.— Mr. A. P. Watt.
NEED OF KNOWLEDGE.
Mother wit, minus a scientific educa-
tion, is like a battleship without armour
plates. — Sir Norman Lockyer.
THE PROPHECY OF A PASSIVE RESISTER.
What will be the issue of the grave
and reprehensible struggle that has just
commenced between Russia and Japan
no one can yet tell. — Dr. Clifford, on
Sunday, February 14.
THE DEARTH OF GENIUS.
There is only one great poet living,
and he is no longer young. It is a sad
truth that the height of perfection is the
beginning of decay. — Mr. Alfred Austin.
WHAT THE HISTORIAN OF THE MAMMOTH
THINKS OF THE DuKE OF DEVONSHIRE.
The vindictive treachery of the Duke
in attempting to stab Mr. CHAMBERLAIN
in the back while holding up both his
hands in sanctimonious horror, has
fortunately no parallel in our political
annals. — Sir H. H. Howorih.
WHAT A GREAT HUSTLER SAYS OF
MR. CHAMBERLAIN.
I consider that, next to the initiation
of the Missing Word Competition, Mr.
CHAMBERLAIN'S advocacy of Tariff Reform
is the greatest event of modern tunes.
—Mr. C. A. Pearson.
EQUINE INCONSISTENCY.
A child may succeed without undue
difficulty in inducing a two-year-old filly
to approach the tank, but not all the
trainers in Arabia could force her to
imbibe its liquid refreshment against
her will.— TJte Paddock.
A NORTHERN LIGHT.
Without energy and will power we
can effect nothing. — Leo Tolstoi (specially
translated for the Bristol East Anf/lian).
A PEER'S DILEMMA.
I cannot say which affords me the
THE LUMINOUS COMMENT OF
A GREAT FINANCIER.
,—* , — •"" Directly we cross the frontier we may
more exquisite pleasure, to bring down be said to set foot on foreign territory
e house by an effective , exit or to An exception, however, must be made
break the bank at Monte Carlo.-Lord | in the case of those who, like ourselves
ssLyn- i ]ive on an island.— lord Avebury.
KKIIIII-ARY I'l, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIYAIM.
127
"Hrranrro," says the Kblnisckc
Zi'iliiini, " Russia has played iirst fiddle
in the concert of Kurope. Now the
Cerman Empire will play it." Tliis
should lie a pleasant change from the
customary Trum-
pet.
A correspon-
dent, in a letter to
a contemporary,
asks whether at
the present
moment there arc
pro-Japs in Russia
and pro-Russians
in Japan, or is
anti-Patriotism a
purely British pro-
duct V Asa matter
of fact, here i-
jnst the one point
,is to which the
Duili/ Xi'irs is
willing to concede
( I re at, Britain's
superiority.
It is not, we
believe, generally
known that the
( iovernment of-
fered Mr. CHAM-
m:i!i,.\iN the use
of a Protected
Cruiser for his
holiday trip, but
the head of the
Fair Trade party
thought it would
look like advertis-
ing.
When in Cairo
Mr. Cii\\ini:iii.uN
paid a visit, to the
local Xoo. While
there, it is said, a
great wave of
home - sickness
passed over him
as his thoughts
wandered to the
House of Com-
mon,-.
"Owing to the
clearness of the
air.'1 saya the
Brookli/n
CHARIVARIA.
estaUUh a cemetery for domestic
IK-IS. The rent of a tomb will be
five francs for (lops, cats, and
birds, witji a slight extra charge for
elephants.
the result."
Jutirnul .
We agree- with the Court
unfor-
While always ready to admire enter-
prising novelty in advertisement, we can-
not help thinking
that the following
form of appe.d i
somewhat
lunate :
GEMS
< IKIIMVX Giuytun.
" Has the foster-
brother of the
butcher's great -
aunt the tooth-
ache? .... No,
but he has No. 1 of
THE RAPID REVIEW."
The gentleman
who, on the 14th
inst, sent a valen-
tine to a lady
acquaintance
bearing the in-
scription, " Dar-
ling, my heart's
on fire," is to be
proceeded against
for Valentine and
Arson.
Piccadilly is up,
and St. James's
Street is up, and
visitors arrivingin
London imagine
the Season has
already begun.
ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.
Kite, "BUT IF YOU SAY YOU CAN'T BEAR TIIK (J1RI., WHY EVER MM YOU PROPOSE?"
lie. "YVl.II, IIH! PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AWFULLY GOOD TO »IE, AND IT'S THE ONLY WAY I
- "i ID RETURN THEIR HOSPITALITY."
The Court Journal, in drawing atten-
. r tion to the fact that Charity Bazaars
tvui miles apart." This explains why are going out of fashion, says, "An
"conversation in
reg - c. in lie carried on
the Arctic '
I iv persons
the inhabitants so (utterly oppose the
introduction of cats into those parts.
A company has been formed in Paris
with a capital of .",."1(1.01 10 francs to
amateur Academy would surely prove a
great attraction. If some hundreds of
well-known people were to promise
to paint a picture in the cans:- of
charitv, all London would rush to see
"We are nearly
all teetotalers in
the business
now," declared a
publican in the
Southport County
Court last week.
This is not the
first complaint we
have heard as to
the quality of the
liquor obtainable
at the average
public-house.
An article in
a contemporary on
" Terrors of Modern Warfare " omits to
mention the newspaper articles by
Military and Naval Experts.
Everybody longing for April, when itis
hoped we shall only have showers. Mean-
while those persons whohad only put by for
a rainy day arefeelingt he pinchof poverty.
Mil. C.\XV1.
128
PUNCH, OR T3E LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 24, 1904.
LETTING LOOSE THE WILD DUCKS
OF WAR.
ULTIMATE source of England's vital sap !
Ye of the Press who trade in seasoned Truth
And find in this affair of Russ and Jap
Dainties to touch the town's fastidious tooth,
Filling with spice of purple-hued despatches
The yawning void between Australian matches : —
'Tis not within my province to review
The methods you employ to raise the wind,
With what imposing colours you endue
The cause to which the people's faith is pinned,
Or how you gather, by instinctive gumption,
What suits you best for popular consumption.
Each to his taste ; demand provokes supply ;
The hook that Londoners elect to bite
Is baited with another brand of flv
Than that which titillates the Muscovite ;
And from its local news each several nation
Sucks matter for profound felicitation."
Yet, though you justly hold that wars are made
To serve the pressman's ends for primal use,
0 i, kindly bear in mind the fatuous raid
That checked the output of the fabled goose ;
It was an act unspeakably absurd
To wring the neck of that auriferous bird.
Frankly, I think you started far too well ;
Those early legends were a little stiff !
Shadows of doubt already dim your spell ;
Men pass your posters by and shrewdly sniff.
What will be left to pique our sated senses
In two years' time — just when the War commences?
For, if I read my Chronicle aright,
That date will mark a full-accomplished feat ;
In fact, the Russians, working noon and night,
Will have their commissariat complete ;
And then, on one of these fine frosty days,
The struggle might assume an active phase.f
In yonder spacious times, when things will hum,
And larger breezes fill your fancy's sail,
The chance, if long deferred, will surely come
Of telling lies upon a loftier scale ;
Meanwhile I woiild suggest the better course is
To hold your breath and husband your resources.
See, too, that if the Russian bides his hour
The smouldering ash may burst in redder flame ;
A prudent print will therefore use its power
Farsightedly to urge the waiting game,
Nor bid the Christian Tartar sink his credos
On the receipt of five or six torpedoes.
But, most of all, eschew a martial air ;
Beat not the tocsin like a butler's gong ;
Xo doubt a general European flare
Would suit your book, but not for very long ;
With German squadrons anchored off Blackfria'rs,
Your primrose path would soon be choke'd with briars.!
" Admiral ALEXEIEFF is receiving congratulatory telegrams from all
parts of Russia."— Renter's Agent at St. Petersburg, February 17
" By the end of the second year we may expect to see the Russian
troops take the field .... with perfected commissariat and transport
arrangements. — Military Expert in " Daily Chronicle," February J 8
There was nothing to stop a German gun-boat from coming
iip the Thames except a few police boats."— Admiral Close at the Roval
Unitid Eunice Institution, February 17.
Enfirt, " beware of entrance " to a feud ;
Adopt a more detached and neutral tone ;
And imitate the blameless attitude
Of men like CAINE, who leave these things alone ;
A bright ensample ! Think what might have been
Had he encouraged Man to intervene ! !* 0. S.
FOOTWEAR FANCIES.
(By the Expert Wrinkler.)
THE FULLY-FURNISHED FOOT.
I HAVE often been asked how many pairs of boots and i
shoes a gentleman should possess. After giving much ;
thought to the subject I reply, forty. These are divided
thus : ordinary pairs for walking, four black and two tan ;
shooting boots, two ; spring-side Wellingtons for cub-hunt-
ing ; silver-plated sand shoes for Trouville ; a pair of Alpine j
waders for climbing the Wetterhorn ; hob-nailed elephant- |
hide boots with shark-skin laces for receiving duns ; other ;
boots of various kinds ; court shoes with paste buckles ; and
dancing pumps. The above are obligatory, but personally
I keep a pair of full morocco Bluchers for calling at the
Times Office. My friend Major HOWE, who fought in
Bhootan under Field-Marshal DOWIE, once remarked to me
on the supreme importance of having enough boots, and I
have never forgotten his advice.
UNDERSTUDIES FOR TREES.
The question then comes, Should one have separate trees
for each pair ? Being always, to the best of my ability, the
friend of the economical, I Bay, No. There are various
methods by which one may contrive inexpensive substitutes
for trees. To fill the boot with moist plaster of Paris is a
sure preservative of its shape, but to extract the cast is
sometimes a little tedious. A better plan is to place a pair
of shooting stockings in the boots and, after hermetically
sealing them, to apply a bicycle pump and inflate them to
their fullest extent, renewing the operation whenever the air
seems to have escaped. The inventive mind will doubtless
think of other expedients.
SANDALS NOT RECOMMENDED.
The fashion of wearing sandals has come in a good deal of
late, but after giving them a good trial I have come to the
conclusion that they are not suited to our climate in the
winter months. As I was crossing the Strand one wet day
in December one of my sandals came off, and, before I could
recover it, was run over by an omnibus. In any case do not
wear spats with sandals. Another point on 'which I am
often consulted is whether one should wear yellow boots
with a tall hat. My man, who is rather a purist in these
matters, discountenances the habit, but, on the other hand,
I have seen the Hon. REGGIE DOUBLEWELT wearing the combi-
nation in question in Piccadilly. No hard and fast rule can
be drawn : it all depends on the social status and position
of the individual. I know a Guardsman who wears anato-
mical boots ; on the other hand, Lord NETHERSOLE alwavs
shoots m patent leathers, and the Marquis of skirt-
dances m elastic sides. As the saying is, de mini mix nil
nisi bonum.
To AVOID WET FEET.
An excellent preventive of the too rapid deterioration
of the sole is to paint it morning and evening with a thick
coat of creosote. It is also on wet davs a good thing to
interstices between the soles and the uppers with
** '^V Pro(!lama.tion 'las bgen issued in the Isle of Man commanding
hat the decarat.ou of neutrality shall be strictly observed by he
inhabitants. —Daily Press, February 18.
Ci
I
y
w
FKIIUIAUY I'l. I'.Mil.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
l.'U
putty, carefully black-
ened \vitli l';iy and
Murtiii. This will j
exclude much mois-
ture. Or you may
acquire from any
builder a ]>int. or so of
daiup course, to which
has been added a suili-
ciency of some nigri-
fying powder, such as
triturated charcoal
biscuits or granulated
Irullles. In fact, no
gentleman who knows
his way about need
suffer from wet feet.
THK I'si-. Axn AnrsE
OF LABGE FEET.
One of the severest
taxes 011 the purses of
men with refined tastes
but limited incomes is
that entailed by the
necessary outlay on
boots. You know the
French proverb,
"With, good boots no
man ever was ill-
dressed : with bad
l«x)ts no man was ever
well - dressed," and
there is undoubtedly
a great deal of truth
in the maxim. Some
men, however, are
cruelly handicapped
in the race of life.
There was my friend,
Sir AI/;F.R\ON TRF.AIV
\VKI.I,, for example, one
of the finest fellows
who ever stepped, but
his feet were so large
that he had to put his
trousers on over his
head. They were, in
fact, if I might venture
on a pleasantry, regu-
lar cubic feet, and he
was never at his ease
in company or indeed
anywhere until he
emigrated to Colorado
and received a large
salary and a public
testimonial for his
efforts in crushing the
beetle. Sir AI.IIKKM ix's boot bill was some-
thing tremendous. No good maker would
build him a pair under three guineas,
and when he was hard up — which was
not uncommonly the case- he was some-
times driven to stay in bed for days at
a time rather than venture forth in
boots unsuited to his social status.
CHEAP BOOTS. A HAPPY DISCOVERY.
Hitherto 1 have set niv face like a
American Hostess in London. "Birr WHY HAVEN'T TOD BROUGHT YOUR
Guest (from Dakota). " I BECKON HE :s THROWN ME OVER. HE DON'T SEEM TO UNDER-
STAND OUR WAYS OUT WEST."
Hostess. " WHY, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW ? "
Guest. "NOTHING. I JUST ASKED HIM, 'SAY, WILL YOU LOVE ME ALWAYS, ALWAYS, EVEN
AFTER WE'RE DIVORCED?'"
flint against cheap boots. Letters have
poured in containing agonised appeals
to me to sanction the purchase of
Abyssinian or Borneo boots at Is. 6d.
the pair. I have always replied that no
self-respecting member of the May fail-
inner circle should think of paying less
than half a guinea for his boots. But
one lives and learns. Within the last
week 1 have had a sample pair at IU.
sent me by the "Majestic" Boot. Com-
pany, which have
emerged with distinc-
tion from a succession
of the severest trials.
On Monday morning
I stood in them for
half an hour in my
bath without feeling
the slightest sensatii in
of cold or damp. In
the afternoon 1 wore
them at a medallioi.-
digging picnic nt
Wormwood Scrubs,
and in the evening at
a subscription dance
at Pinner. One pecu-
liar merit of the
" Majestic " boots is
that they are not
severely right and left,
but can be worn in-
differently on either
foot, thus requiring
only a single tree and
not the customary
forest. A superior
quality with elastic
sides and toecaps, at
6s. 6d., is also to be
had, and is an ex-
tremely dressy type
of footgear. Indeed,
I cannot imagine a
more useful christen-
ing gift or wedding
present. The leather
of the uppers is
I perhaps a little hard
at first, but I got my
I man to wear them for
a day or two, and
they were thus
thoroughly broken in
before I put them on.
ANSWERS TO
CORRESPONDENTS.
WILLIE WORKIN-
FAST. — No ; natural
wool socks should not
be worn with pumps.
(K. BOOTLE).— Al-
ways remove your
gums before entering
the house on an after-
noon call, but do not
carry them into the
drawing - room with
you. Do not speak of " goloshers."
DEBRETT. — One's blood must be in-
tensely blue before one can wear carpet
slippers at a levee.
fl^MMMH
IT is reported from America that a sun-
fish has just been captured off the coast
of California weighing a ton. The cable
informing us that it was caught by a
little boy with a piece of string and a
bent pin has not yet come to hand.
132
PUNCH, OR
ROYALTIES I RECOLLECT.
By H-L-E V-C-R-S-O.
XLV1I.— THE KING AND QUEEN OF PANTOMIMIA.
NEVER shall I forget the nerve-thrilling emotion with
which, after duly presenting my credentials to one of the
officials, I found 'myself inside the royal and ancient palace
at Drorilehn-Boestr'iet, awaiting the entrance of that august
couple, King Sou.t MM and Queen SPRITEI.Y of Pantomimia.
A gaudy multitude has gathered in the splendid hall
at the font, of the grand staircase; there is a pause ; the
hangings of the arch above part, a glittering forttye, of pages
and ctamei d'hoinieur descend, two by two. Then a flourish
of silver trumpets, and, in a flash, the Queen has fallen down
the entire flight of steps, and picked herself up with the
serene nonchalance that only long habit can impart.
Must I confess that my first sensations were scarcely those
which 1 usually experience in the presence of Royalty?
The Queen has hardly a trace of the majestic bearing,
hardly a hint of the easy dignity, that distinguish so many
Sovereigns of my acquaintance. Her appearance is quaint,
almost to homeliness. I had an instant intuition that
my verses were not only imknown to her, but that
probably she would be even unaware that they had had
the honour of being crowned by the French Academy. It
crossed my mind, indeed, that her Royal Consort must, like
King COPHETTA of old, have chosen a bride who was not
altogether his equal in rank.
But any suspicion of this kind was immediately put to
flight by "the arrival of the King. He came in, looking
radiant, though very grave ; he wore no smile on his massive
countenance, though I fancied I could detect a twinkle of
humour in the small, wonderful eyes, whose colour and
depth reminded me of those Kolitaires in which twisted
strands of blue and green are embedded, as prawns in
translucent aspic.
The Queen's eyes, deep set and lustrous, with a fixed
appeal in their dark, inscrutable gaze, are decidedly her best
feature ; the nose is too sharp and too highly coloured at the
tip, the flexible mouth too wide to be strictly beautiful, and
she evidently concerns herself very little about the style and
arrangement of her coiffure. Still, hers is a face that cannot
easily be forgotten by those who have ever been privileged
to look upon it.
I was amazed by the extreme condescension and affability
of her manner with her Court. On the evening when I had
the honour of being admitted to her audience she entertained
us all by an inimitable account of her previous matrimonial
experiences, for it appears that she had been a widow at least
once before His Majesty invited her to share his throne.
Her former husband had not, it seemed, borne the most
exemplary of characters, and she even hinted that certain
eccentricities on his part had been cruelly misunderstood by
the police, but with a delightful freedom from false shame
she kept her hearers in ripples of uncontrollable mirth by
revealing matters en which most Sovereigns I have met
would prefer to observe a discreet reticence.
Both she and the King speak the P^nglish tongue with
perfect ease and fluency, and a complete mastery of col-
loquialisms, though with a perceptible accent.
His Majesty is a keen student of English politics, and has
been known, so I was informed, to express fervent sympathy
with Mr. CHAMBERLAIN in his fiscal campaign ; on this
occasion, however, he was more guarded in his references
to the subject.
He is a powerful if jiot a melodious vocalist, but affects
the ballads of the people rather than more ambitious com-
positions.
Like other monarchs I might mention, King SOIXCMM is
addicted to frequent and rapid changes of cos urne. \\ hen
I first saw him he was wearing a brown and gold Court suit,
«et off bv the crown and Royal robes ; on the next occasion
his portly form was enveloped in a dressing-gown of startling
he was in a bold-patterned tourist suit, with
a hat several sizes too small for him, appearing a little later
clothed in a military uniform which I was unable to identity.
Yet when again he met my view, to my unspeakable surprise
another change of dress, another change of face and humour,
was presented for our admiration; he was encased in a
waterproof suit and diver's helmet.
From all I could gather, His Majesty is no gourmet, and is
I content with fare of the simplest description, his favourite
menu being bloaters and beefsteak pudding.
The Queen exercises the strictest supervision over the
household expenditure. 1 happened to be present at an
informal visit which she paid to the Royal kitchen, where
she held a consultation with her female ehef, who is rather
on the footing of an intimate friend than an ordinary
domestic. ,
It was marvellous to see how searching was Her Majesty s
scrutiny of every item in the accounts ; not a detail escaped
Her Majesty's comment — from the market price of tomatoes
and potatoes to the excessive consumption of soap and lard ;
from the condition of a steak and kidney pie to the abnormal
appetite of the Royal cat— a remarkably fine animal, by the
way, of the rare breed which Pantomimia alone produces.
Later on, this same female chef and her son (a youth whose
natural intelligence is refreshingly free from any precocious
tendency) were honoured by the Royal command to play
" Bridge " at their Majesties' own table — the Queen herself
condescending to instruct them in the rules of the game.
I was positively aghast at the want of tact and savoir faire
with which the Minister of the Interior accused her Royal
Mistress of a revoke — a betise, that would, in at least one
Court where, though a youthful foreigner, I have been
treated like an honoured guest, have certainly been regarded
as Ifse-majente.
Imagine my surprise on finding the offenders shortly after-
wards included in the party on board the King's submarine
house-boat !
I cannot conclude without making some reference to
certain startling events which took place during my visit,
and which for a time seemed likely to render the King
and Queen permanent exiles from the throne and kingdom.
This was brought about by a mysterious usurper of
obscure origin, who was alleged— though I cannot vouch
for the authenticity of the statement— to have recently
emerged from the interior of an egg. But the plot, which
had something to do with the possession of a ring and
the identity of a long-lost Princess, was so involved that
1 shall not attempt to unravel an intrigue which perhaps
will never be completely understood except by those behind
the scenes.
Fortunately, everything ended in the happiest possible
manner, and when the Royal pair finally passed from our
view they were bowing right and left in a blaze of colour,
amidst the enthusiastic plaudits of the admiring multitude.
But even at that monrnt I could not restrain a half
childish disappointment. Of all the many Monarchs by
whom I have been entertained, these two were the only
Sovereigns who had neither requested a copy of my Rouma-
nian Ballads, nor entreated me as a boon 'to inscribe an
original poem in their autograph book ! F. A.
0. P. Gossip.— It is reported that Mr. GEORGE MEREDITH is
about to dramatise his novel The Shaving of Shaqpat as a
curtain-razor.
FEBRUARY i'4, 1904.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
133
LITTLE JACK IN A CORNER;
OR, THE INVISIBLE BOY OF ROSEDALE COURT.
A mystery In Four Ada now being played at the New Theatre.
"To be seen, but not hoard," is the condition on which,
from time immemorial, children are permitted by their
parents and guardians to appear in the drawing-room when
visitors are present. That a child should be neither seen nor
heard maybe a kindness to visitors; but would not such
conduct be considered rather harsh on the part of the
parents? Now the son of Herbert and Sylvia Fitzullcn.
called " L'Mle Jack" on whom the whole plot of the play
entitled My Lady of Rosedale really depends, is heard of
throughout the piece from the First Act to the last, is
affectionately alluded to, or, so to put it, " honourably men-
tioned," and yet never " gets a look-in!" The audience is
on the tiptoe of expectation, anxiously expecting the appear-
ance of this little person of considerable importance, aged
seven, whose name they are surprised to find does not appear
in the programme. This omission is naturally attributed
by the spectators to a mere oversight, or to some printer's
error easily remedied in the next issue. The old song,
"Jack's the boy to work, Jack's the boy to play," seems
specially applicable to this little chap, as, unless he be asleep,
or at play, and he is always doing either one or the other, he
is in variably represented as unable to come to his mother Sylvia
i.Miss MAIIKI, TERRY-LEWIS), who is so devotedly attached to
him that, apparently, she permits him for the greater part
of the day to be out of her sight. May be, as a judicious
mother, she does not wish to bore her friends by bringing j
him with her on a visit ; but be that as it may, when the '
presence of Master Jack is most particularly requested, and
when all the house, in the middle of the most interesting Third
Act, is on tenterhooks of expectation for the entrance of this
child of promise, the nursery governess, Helen (Miss LILIAS
WALDEGRAVE), descends the steps of the terrace with the infor-
mation that the bright boy in most joyous mood has been taken
by his amiable father, as a great treat, for a drive with him
in a dogcart. His mother is in despair, for her reckless
ill-conditioned husband, from whom she is expecting to be
legally divorced, has thus asserted his authority, and she
may be compelled by maternal instinct to follow wherever
her crafty worse-half may have taken their child. She does
not even fe 1 sure of ever seeing the boy again, and the
audience sympathise with her most sincerely, for they have
never seen the boy at all up to now, and now, if he does not \
turn up in the course of the last Act, they will have to leave I
without ever having caught a glimpse of this invisible child !
Cruel on the mother, hard on the audience, unkind of the
French author and English adapter, Monsieur ALFRED CAPUS
and Mr. COMYNS CARR.
The Fourth Act is played, and not a sign of the boy ! He
is not lost ; no — for value received, and because his father
can do without his family ties, the boy is to be returned to
his mother, with care, right side up, after the play is over ;
and his mother is to be free to go for her divorcs and then
to marry Ralph Wigram (Sir CHARLES WYXDHAM), the kind
gentleman who has saved her credit at her banker's by giving
thirty thousand pounds for a place worth about a third of
that sum, with the female fixture, however, Sylvia Fitzallen,
thrown into the bargain. Voila tout. Sir CHARLES WTSDHAM
makes the part fit him, and has a good scene or two with
the somewhat unemotional Sylvia.
Miss GERTRUDE KINGSTON may, in the course of the run,
perhaps make more of scheming Lady Prothero than she did
on the first night.
Both Miss MARY MOORE as Lady Mordaunt, and SYDNEY
Biioucii as her husband, do and say nothing in particular in
the uioM effective manner.
SUCH
EXAMPLE.
Wife (to husband, who has barked hilt shins violently against the
bed, and is muttering something to himself). " OH, JACK, HOW CAN YOU !
SUPPOSING BABIT WERE TO HEAR YOU ! "
Mr. ALFRED BISHOP is excellent in one of his elderly gentle-
men parts, Sir Arthur Prothero, a judge.
Mr. NYE CHART and Miss LETTICE FAIRFAX excite as much
placid interest in their characters as can be expected to be
taken by third parties present in any ordinary pair of youthful
lovers.
The one part that stands out from all the dramatis personal
is that of the scoundrel Herbert Fitzallen, most admirably
played by Mr. EILLE NORWOOD.
The dialogue is good, as anything written by Mr. COMYKS
CARR is sure to be. But we cannot but consider Messrs.
CAPUS and CARR as two wicked uncles, who have burked the
one babe in the wood, the unfortunate L'Mle Jack, the
Invisible Boy !
History Correct* Itself.
THE floods in the low-lying environs of Windsor have
caused a question to be raised as to the authenticity of
WELLINGTON'S remark upon the cause of his victory at
Waterloo. It now appears that the Iroii Duke has been
wrongly credited with a phrase which was after all only an
adaptation from a mot of NELSON'S, uttered just before his
fatal wound ; and that it was not the Battle of Waterloo,
but that of Trafalgar, which was " won on the playing-fielda
of Eton."
WAR NOTE. — The " Czar of all the Russias " must not be
confused with Mr. C. ARTHUR PEARSON, who is known to
admiring Tariff reformers as merely the " Prince of all the
Hustlers."
THE Daily Chronicle, under the heading " M.C.C. v. New
South Wales : Fine Batting Display by KNIGHT," said, " The
wicked played admirably." Can this gallant KNIGHT be
really so Black as he is painted ?
134
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 24, 1904.
LOST OPPORTUNITIES.
" THE more one considers the ques-
tion," remarked the Librarian of the
House of Lords the other day, "the
more is one amazed at the want of enter-
prise displayed by the publishers of the
seventeenth" century." Nothing could
be truer. The result was that books,
which now, if properly exploited in the
advertisement columns of the West-
minster Gazette and other journals, would
sell in their thousands, then sold only in
their tens.
Yet how much better for all con-
cerned, manufacturer and consumer
alike, had some of the really excellent
literature of the time been rightly
brought beneath public notice ! As
thus : —
It 'a no use talking. The only
way to be up-to-date is to rend the j
books of the season.
Cut out the following list and j
send it to your bookseller or j
librarian : —
HOLY LIVING.
TAYIjOIJ.
By JEREMY :
SAINTS' EVERLASTING REST.
By RICHARD BAXTER.
SIGHS FROM HELL. By JOHN
Bl'NYAN.
Do not neglect this opportunity of
enriching your posterity.
Buy a First Folio
SHAKSPEARE
while they are cheap.
The price is sure to rise.
; A Pantomime between Two Covers, j
ROBINSON CRUSOE.
By DANIEL DEFOE.
Don't be afraid of the title.
Ask your Bookseller for
THE ANATOMY OF
MELANCHOLY,
BY ROBERT BURTON,
and see that you get it.
BEN' JONSON, the famous play-
wright, after reading a chapter at
the "Mermaid," remarked, "This
Murton is Double X ain't no mis-
I take."
THE SORROWS OF SATAN INDEED !
Read
PARADISE LOST.
By JOHN MILTON.
A distinguished gentleman who
has seen this manuscript writes as
follows : —
" A novel in blank verse may
daunt frivolous minds, but this
richly variegated Epic will appeal
to intelligences of every calibre. In
evidence of the thoroughly up-to-
date character of the poem it may
be noted that, the tactics of aerial
warfare are discussed in full detail.
A touching feature in connection
with the work is the fact that
the author is afflicted with blind-
ness, and, being unable owing to
straitened circumstances to afford
the luxury of a typewriter, dictated j
a great portion of his poem to the
two Mrs. MILTONS."
READ THE EPIC BY A BLTND MAN.
At all Bookstalls.
FKAGMKNTA AUREA.
By Sir JOHN SUCKLING.
N.M. The rumour that this work
has been Bowdlerised is totally with-
out foundation. The publisher can-
not think how it got about, but he
is delighted to be able to contradict
it.
The Book that beguiled a
Great Statesman.
Before leaving for the French
Court yesterday the Duke of BUCK-
i INGHAM was observed to alight at
his favourite bookshop, and after a
rapid examination of the shelves to
take up
HYDRIOTAPHIA, OR URN
BURIAL.
By Sir THOMAS BROWNE.
On the news becoming known
twenty copies were at once sold to
gentlemen of the Court.
If you must lose your head,
do it with dignity.
Ready to-day at all the Libraries.
EIKON BASILIKE.
Was he Mad?
Read the new problem play,
HAMLET.
By WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE.
The publishers earnestly hope
that no intending reader will be
put off by the homely title of this
superb and engrossing drama. No
one who wishes to be in the move-
ment, to know how smart society
occupies itself and what intellectual j
people are thinking, can afford to
be without it. Toxicology, parri-
cide, duelling, private theatricals,
the reform of the lunacy laws,
phantasms of the dead, marriage
with a deceased husband's brother,
rat killing as a fine art — these are
only a few of the topics treated in
this record-breaking congeries of
scalp-raising incidents and search-
ing analysis.
A Genius at last.
An Epic Poem in li' books.
KING ARTHUR.
By RICHARD BLACKMORE.
The publisher is confident that
he has here discovered a work of
enduring splendour. Too often have
geese been mistaken for 8wans ;
there is no such error in the present
instance ! The publisher is con-
vinced that long after MILTON and
SPENSER are forgotten the epic of
Kiiuj Arlltur will still be arresting
attention.
ON the vexed question of the distinc-
tion between "whole-hoggers" and
"little-piggers," Lord HIGH CECIL has
sent the following protest to the Daily
Mail : —
" My free-food tastes are not porcine at all.
They are intensely human."
This is the first known case in which
a CECIL has openly confessed to canni-
balistic tendencies.
IT is rumoured that in the event of
Mr. CHAMBERLAIN forming a Ministry.
Sir CONAN DOYLE'S political services will
be rewarded by an offer of the posts
of Holmes Secretary and Secretary for
Scotland Yard.
MOTTO FOR THE JAPANESE. — Cedant
anna Togo.
FEHKI ARY LM, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
135
vour
BALM FOR TI1F, BKOKEN-
HEAETED.
THROUGH the courtesy of a certain
Jditor, who placed it at our disposal,
ve are able to publish the following
etters, selected from the contents of a
waste-paper basket which has a eircmn-
'erence enormously larger than that of
tny other :
Silt,— The accident of which
correspondent complains is
one that might happen to any-
body. All that he needs, in j
my opinion, is a little perse
voranco and determination.
1,'erhaps travel would prove
as efficacious in curing him as
it was in curing me under
imilar circumstances. The
ibject of my devotion was a
lady whoso refined singing
imi i lancing had created some-
thing of a furore at the music-
halls. My life was temporarily
blighted by the discovery that
she was already married, and
that her youngest son was
then playing Hamlet in the
provinces. But I soon re-
covered on joining my ship
and going for my first voyage,
and since then her memory
has cost me scarcely a pang.
Like the good sailor I am, I
have now a wife at Marseilles,
a second at Amsterdam, a
third in London, and others
at Nagasaki, New York,
Athens, Archangel, and, 1
believe, Constantinople.
I am, yours, &c., VIKING.
SIR, — Your correspondent
might derive consolation from
the history of the Israelite
kings. King SOLOMON was in
all probability jilted — perhaps
frequently — in his salad days.
Yet in the end, by persevering
and not giving way, he
amassed the substantial total
of one thousand (1,000) wives.
Without counselling him
actually to go and do like-
like Presents V "
ship," " Should
"The 'I I. <l. of Court-
Kissos bo Taxed ? "
and "How to write a I/ive-letter ; " also
two hundred and lour sets of verse, and
a powerful story called Tin- Jlltiiirj of
.Inxltmi Jerikmt. I attribute to my
engagement and the experience I de-
rived from it my present position of
sub-editor on Blogg'x Weekly Nuggcta.
Verb. sap. Yours in haste,
ExEKnETic JOURNALIST.
«NS "?i (* *' i f t if. - ,.
PROFESSIONAL
PARTNERSHIP.
Village Organ-Uoicer (to Lady Organist, who has been trying a neu
A gentleman could devote each arm
simultaneously to the opposite sex with-
out invidious comment. Similarly, each
ANGEI.IXA might bo escorted by twin
F.inviss, neither of whom could claim
precedence. Here there is a future of
great possibilities.
Every one would learn to reverse in
dances -and dance in reverses, fortified
by the ability to rotate; withershins as
well as clock-wise. There would be no
carving nor shaving — these
two expressions are not in-
tended to be synonymous —
against the grain. Sinistral
operationsneed then not nooo-
siirily end in sinister results.
When man is truly biinanons
there will be no " off-side " to
a horse or a cricket-pitch —
spinal curvature, on the one
hand, will be unknown among
equestriennes ; on the other,
there will be no dislocation of
the field, caused, as now, by
temporary appearance of a
left-handed batsman. Each
willow-wielder will stand
l.b.w. and cut to leg or pull
to thirdman indifferently.
The uncertainty of the noble
game will be more glorious
than ever.
Picture, too, the saving of
time when Paterfamilias, in a
hurry to catch the city train,
lights his cigar with one hand
and kisses his wife or finishes
his breakfast with the other.
His spouse will be able to take
her hair out of curling papers
with a dexter movement, and
at the same time deal out
sinister spanks to her rebel-
lious offspring. The descen-
dant in question can be pull-
ing the cat's tail and pouring
ink over the table-cloth con-
temporaneously.
It will be an undoubted
voluntary). " How DID IT GO, HARM ? "
" OH, ALL EIGHT. WHY DO YOU ASK ? "
"WELL, MA KM, TO TELL YOU THE TRCTH, I WAS A BIT XERVOCS ABOCT
IT. You SEE, MABM, I 'VE NEVER SLOWED FOR THAT PIECE AFORE ! '
advantage to squint. Indi-
wise, I should like to point out to your
correspondent that thi* ix lln' r'ujhl */>JnV.
Yours, &c., THEOLOGIAN.
MY VERY DEAR SIR, — Take my advice,
and look on the bright side. What
seems a misfortune at first sight, often
proves in the end to be a blessing.
Many years ago I was engaged for six
months to a lady who afterwards re-
fused to marry me. What was the
result i1 Misery? Gloom? Not a bit „
of it. I wrote and placed to great : its counterpane with equal dexterity,
advantage articles on
AX END TO GAUCHERIE!
Ax Ambidextral Culture Society has
lately been formed by Sir JAMES HENDER-
SON, Dr. CUMMINGS, and General BADEV-
POWELL (amongst others) as Vice-Presi-
dents. This should be joined off-hand.
Consider the advantages of ' bi-lateral
development. To begin with, there
would ibe.no getting out of bed on the
wrong side in the morning — the public
would emerge from under both hems of
„„ e., .its counterpane with equal dexterity.
How to Pro- Impartial; sereneness and good temper
viduals with independent
optics under the new regime
may engage two persons'
attention or wink two
separate winks at once. Parties who
have celebrated the occasion will know
how to deal with a double moon without
further difficulty or loss of equilibrium.
Gauche and gaueherie will lose their
present signification. We may even
come to say, " She was so dexterous that
she smashed the china," or "He is his
master's left-hand man !
If the Society needs assistance in its
double-handed dealings ,we shall be
happy to lend them a hand. Only
let them not ask us to become quadru-
manous — such a reversion Mr. Punch
pose," " Buying the Ring," " Do Girls would thus reign throughout the day. I does not bargain for !
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 24, 1004.
FICKLE FORTUNE.
"AND ONLY YESTERDAY I WAS FINED FlVE Poi'Nns FOIt DRIVING AT EXCESSIVE SPEED !'
ANNIVERSARIES OF THE WEEK.
February 22. — This day four years
ago was remarkable for the fact that
there were three hours of sunshine and
only two heavy showers, in the course of
which a church in the Midlands was
destroyed by lightning.
On this day, 2900 years ago, the
editor of the first halfpenny paper in
Japan had his head cut off for circulating
a false report of the fall of Troy.
February 23. — Thirty - second anni-
versary of Canon RAWNSLEY'S first
sonnet. Since then he has written
upwards of 3000, many of which have
appeared in the local papers. When
this number is multiplied by 14, the
number of lines in a sonnet, it will be
seen that Canon RAWXSLEY is one of the
most voluminous poets of the century.
February 24.— On this day, just 1908
y< ars ago, the Roman Seriate suppressed
the Speculum Diurnum for encouraging
the Roman matrons tof play cards and
desert their spinning-wheels.
February 25.— Five years ago to-day
the mansion of the Earl of BLARNEY was
broken into and pillaged by burglars.
As a writer in the Blarney Sentinel
observed at the time, "After a fruitless
search all the jewels were recovered
except one pair of boots."
Dr. JOHNSON was born on this day in
the early part of the eighteenth century.
In spite of his uncouth exterior and
ungracious manners, he endeared him-
self so much to his contemporaries that
DAVID GARRICK, the eminent actor,
publicly saluted him as " Rare BEN
JOHKSON." Amongst those who joined
him in his revelries at the "Mermaid
Inn " were EDMUND BURKE, Sir JOSHUA
REYNOLDS, OLIVER GOLDSMITH, Dean SWIFT,
JOHN DRYDEN, and WARREN HASTINGS.
February 26.— On this day three years
ago there was heavy rain coupled with
a high wind, during which Mr. CHAPLIN'S
umbrella was blown inside out as he was
walking from the House of Commons
to the Carlton Club.
Just seven years have elapsed since
on February 26, 1897, Mr. H. G. WKU.S,
on the recommendation of his medical
adviser, abandoned Indian for China tea.
Precisely 6480 years ago to-day the
foundation stone of the Pyramid of
Cheops was laid in the presence of a
distinguished company.
Febmary 27.— On this day, just half
a century back, the Poet Laureate shot
his first rabbit and commemorated the
event in the following epigram :
Alas, poor Bunny !
Nor love nor money
Can splice life's thread
Once you are dead.
February 28.— SEMIHAMIS vaccinated
B.C. 2431.
IN connection with the Strand Maga-
zine articles entitled " Sovereigns I have
Met," a Mr. STOXEY BOLINGBROKE writes
from a Monte Carlo address to say that
he could produce a much more extended
series on the subject of "Sovereigns I
have dropped."
ITNCII, (Mi THE LONDON' CHAKIVAI.'I. KKI-.IM \KV iM, I'.tnl.
THE EETUBN OF ARTHUK.
"AND ALL THE PEOPLE CRIED,
'ARTHUR IS COME AGAIN. '"—Tennyson.
KKBIU-AUY 1J4, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
139
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTBACTKD FlniM 1111) 1>I.\I1Y OF 'J'nllY, M.I'.
House of Commons, Tin'tdan morning,
February 16. The first hour of a new
morning was lialf sped when a solitary
pedestrian might liave been observed
crossing Palace Yard. In height, in
breadth, and withal a certain swinging
stride of the right, limb, (here \vas some-
thing familiar in the figure. As it passed
under the gaslight by the iron gates and
cast up a furrowed countenance to regard
the gloomy night, recognition was
complete.
It was, in truth, the Right Honourable
Aiii-'.r.vs AKKHS-! lot (,I,AS, Principal Secre-
tary of State, late Captain in the Ka-t
Kent Yeomanry, at the moment looking
as if he were sadly in need of a remount.
Metamorphosis created and completed
by a fortnight's experience of Leader-
ship of House of Commons; seven davs
sp nt in charge of debate on DON JOSK'S
new crusade. Hard enough at any time
to be suddenly summoned to box-seat.
In existing circumstances the trial
sufficient to age an amiable man seven
years in as many days. AKERs-Dot I.I.AS
an excellent Whip in more senses than
one. For twelve years he whipped-in
Conservative Party. Men of his time at
i Kford will remember the tall slim
figure, proudly set aloft on box of dog-
i-arl as he drove his favourite pair
tandem-wise.
" Strange," he murmured to himself
in voice whose hollow sound startled
him, " how well I managed them. Here
when 1. so to speak, go out with WAI.TKH
I/iMi in the shafts and CiKtiU.D BALFOUR
tandem, as soon as ever we start, Presi-
dent of Board of Trade turns round in
harness and Kxiks m • straight in the
face. Tried t'other way about ; just the
same. Changed horses every night ; no
two will pull together."
THE UNIONIST BUCKINGHAMS ARE LED OFF TO (POLITICAL) EXECUTION.
Chorus of Doomed Ones —
" Go with us, like good angels, to our end ;
And, as the long divorce of steel falls on us,
Make of your prayers one sweet sacrifice.
Lead on." Hen. viii., Act. 2, Sc. 1.
(Mr. W-nst-n Ch-rch-11, Lord H-gh C-c-1, and Major S-ly ; Sir Al-x-nd-r Acl-nd-H-d, and
Mr. J-sse C-ll-ngs.)
"Akers-llougliis had a smile that went a
long way . . ."
For a mild-mannered man, modest by
nature, silent by intention, the week just
closed has certainly been a sore trial.
In days of old, whilst still Whip, later
still when at the Board of Trade, AKERS-
DOUGLAS had a smile that went a long way
at particular crises. It was non-com-
mittal; it was reflective, ingratiating;
possessed the advantage, incalculable in
certain circumstances, of having nothing
whatever to do with the question at
issue. More hot-headed Ministers saying
Yes or No, or even taking refuge in the
ejaculation "Ah!" (capable of many
meanings) might have got themselves
into trouble, even embarrassed the
Government. AKiins-DoroLAS tilled up
the awkward pause with a meaning
smile— meaning anything or nothing.
Tried the smile on during early days
of his lieutenancy. Had no iffect in
curbing the impetuosity of BONAR LAW,
who insisted upon showing his nominal
chief at Board of Trade that he was
utterly mistaken in his fiscal ideis,
knew absolutely nothing on the critical
matter of the exportation of iron ore
from Canada to Westphalia, a transac-
tion which, in able hands, is completed
entirely at the foreigner's expense, leav-
ing a handsome profit in the hands of
shrewd Scotchmen. Then there was
WALTER LONG, irritating the young
bloods below the Gangway by "saying
things" about them to the constituency.
Next, the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER,
with the carelessness of youth, selected
Friday for the delivery of a speech
naturally looked for with extreme
curiosity. Everybody knows Friday is
an unlucky day. The MEMBER FOR B&BK
! cites a case where, it being inadver-
; tently selected as the occasion for
i launching a lifeboat, men whose courage
; had been proved in a hundred storms
declined to put to sea.
140
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON HAEIVAKI
1904'
" QUOTH THE RAVEN, ' £VB«MORE.' "
Mr. G-rge W-tidh-m. " Confound that bird ! I thought I 'd settled it ! "
What happened in connection with
the CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER'S speech V
Whv, the Front Opposition benchmen,
resolved to make half -holiday, sent
across to AKERS-DOUGLAS note to that
effect. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN, dying to
deliver his carefully - prepared speech,
was obliged to step aside, leaving
debate on Ministerial side to a child
in finance like EDGAR VINCENT, and a
mere twin like FREDERICK LAMBTON.
Pour comble cle malheur, both these
loyal Ministerialists went dead against
the Government, whilst the House
remains ignorant of the view the
CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER would have
taken of evidently growing intention on
part of fonner colleagues to throw over
" my right hon. friend, the Member for
West Birmingham."
This last the record of single day ;
and there were seven of them, more than
an ordinary Parliamentary week. Small
wonder that the smile shrivelled on the
lips of the HOME SECRETARY, that his
manly figure seemed positively shrunken
as he wearily walked home, wondering
whether anything was worth while
anyhow.
Business done. — Ministers declare JOHN
MORLEY'S amendment to Address a vote
' of No Confidence. On division majority
run down to less than one-half normal
figure.
Tuesday night. — Amid dreary drip of
speeches of multitudinous words ALWYNE
COMPTON dropped a gem. It was one
of those jewels, four words long, which,
stretched on the forefinger of Time, will
sparkle through the ages.
HENRY SAMUEL moved new amendment
to Address, denouncing employment
of Chinese labour in the Transvaal.
Made a speech that would have been
twice as effective had it been half as
i long. For an hour and a quarter he
stood in the breach. Major SEELY,
seconding amendment, spoke for fifty
minutes. Here, out of a sitting pro-
viding maximum of eight hours' talk,
equally apportioned among six hundred
and seventy Members, two appropriated
a full quarter of the allowance !
MACNAMARA not the man to be beaten
in game of this kind. Hasn't had a
real breather this Session, and it already
three weeks old. What will they say in
I Camberwell ? Plunged in like duck
taking to the water, splashed round with
'almost irritating evidence of enjoy-
ment.
" What," he shouted at the rate of
one hundred and twenty words a minute,
"will the British soldier say when he
finds that the sequel to all his fighting in
South Africa is this indentured yellow
slavery ? "
"He will say, 'Nonsense, answered
Lord ALWYNE, who, as despatches testify,
served in South Africa.
-Tins incomparably the best speech
yet delivered in the fifth session of the
first Parliament of King EDWARD THE
SEVENTH. Observe how directly it speeds
to the spot, unweighted by superfluous
words. Later SWORE cust — I mean,
GUST swore at large (of course in Par-
liamentary sense) at MACNAMARA, plant-
ing one or two well-directed blows. A
smart and effective speech. But COMPTON
takes the cake.
Kuxinexs done. — Debate opened on
Chinese labour in Transvaal.
Friday uiijht. — Everyone sorry to see
an empty seat on Front Opposition
Bench. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD came to
town for the Session, but has only
fitfully attended. Not ill, not yet
aweary of the old game in which he has
played a brilliant part through thirty-
five memorable years. An affection of
the throat has temporarily deprived him
of use of his voice for platform purposes.
What it must have cost him to stand
aside whilst the Birmingham financial
heresy was under discussion for seven
nights who shall say? Hs looked in
once or twkn whilst affair in progress.
But made no sign.
A hard hitter, the SQUIRE through a
long fighting career has never smitten
a man below the belt. For twoscore \
years he has vigorously pounded honour- j
able gentlemen opposite, whether known
as Tories, Conservatives, Dissentient
Liberals, Unionists, or Fair Traders. I
To-day he has as many personal friends j
in their ranks, is held in as high estima-
tion, as if he had fought by their side
through dubious wandering.
"I look upon HARCOURT," PRIXCK
ARTHUR once said to me, " as the last
living captain of the Old Guard of
Parliamentarians. He has his little
ways like the rest of us. But he is a
possession the House of Commons would
be grieved to part with."
Business done. — After three weeks'
talk, Address voted. Now for business.
SPEAKING of the recent Mid-Herts
election, the St. Albans Times admits
that " in Liberal quarters there was an
element of cheerful sanguinariness."
Blood, however, is not, of course, so
thick as eggs.
More White Slave Traffic.
ANTED, by Widow, a HUSBANP, to push
Fried Fish Saloon Business, or to be
Sold. — .\ilvt. in "Lincolnshire Echo."
FBUIUAEV 24, 1904.] PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHARIVA1M.
141
^
.
E !
UJ f
•
M
< i
II
133 '
142
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 24, 1904.
FEBRUARY 29;
OR, SHOULD GIRLS PROPOSE?
(\Yith aeknotfledijmentB to Mrs. Armstrong's
" Letters to a Debutante")
ON BEING ENGAGED.
I LITTI.E thought., my dear RKIKIII-.,
wlieu I wrote my last letter to you, on
what a very important subject I should
write my next epistle ! My lucky JxKiiini'. !
Harely out, so timid, and so wanting in
self-confidence; audio think that your
fate is already settled, and you should
have gone anil got engaged at your very
first ball! Well, 1 am truly surprised.
1 did not expect it so soon, though 1
can't say 1 am so utterly astonished at
M.\rn BARKPHACK'S proposal as you seem
to have expected
me to he. I have
always fancied she
cared 1'oryou since
you joined the
ho:-key club, and
I t'l-lt, it was not
entirely accident
that brought you
so often together
of late. But ]
never breathed a
word of it in my
letters to you, for
1 knew you were
just the kind of
boy who' would
never have looked
at her again had
such a thing been
hinted.
I am so glad
that the ball was
such a brilliant
success, and that
you had such a
number of part-
ners, and such
time of it in
came about in the most natural and
bissextile way in the world ! 1 am so
glad for you, REGGIE, and yet I could
almost ha've wished it had not, come to
you quite so soon. But I am sure you
have made a good choice, and that MAUD
BARKPHAOK, who has known you ever
since you were a little boy in the Kinder-
garten, must, seem doubly precious to
you now that yon are going out into the
world in the midst, of strangers, with no
one of your very own to consult.
And now you ask for a whole heap of
advice from your elderly aunt, for life
has become very important to you, and
you don't want to make a false step at
starting. 1 am glad you made up your
mind to tell Lady KAYKVVAVKK at once,
for it would have been very improper to
A BALLOON IMPRESSION.
a thoroughly twee have kept her in the dark, as you are
your new dress - suit, staying in the house, and she is respon-
Her sending you the button-hole before- sible for you to your mother. I can
hand must have made you feel happy quite understand your feeling that you
to begin with, and when you got to ! would like to have kept it to yourself a
the house there was she standing in little time ; but it would not have been
the doorway looking for you and not right under the circumstances. I am
dancing with anybody till you came ! sorry she is a little disappointed ; 1
And all your shyness went away like a suppose she would have much preferred
cloud when you saw the pleasure in j your accepting a rich and solid parti
MAUD'S eyes and you felt you were not ' like Lady SCAYRECROWE. About telling
a wall-flower or a waif and stray, but of other people. As a rule, only the rela- i
the highest consequence to someone— tives and intimate friends are told, and
the only person she cared for in the then the news gradually gets round,
room. There is something so protective But if the engagement is going to be a I
in her manner that she seemed to make short one you may get your mother, or
you feel at ease and safe, like a boat i Lady KAYKWAUKE as your chaperon, to
that has got into harbour. And then
came the dances, and the bevy of
partners, and the horrid old dowager
you didn't like, and MAUD took you away
from her, and you two hid in the con- Believe tliat you have all the sympathy
servatory so that Lady ScAYRECROWE of your affectiona'e Aunt
shouldn't find you, and somehow it all L'JCIXDA.
announce your impending chance of
name through the medium of the
press.
( !ood-bye for the present, dear REGGIE.
MR. PUNCH'S IMPERIAL COUNCIL.
IN the absence of Mr. JOSEPH CHAMBER-
LAIN, Mr. Punch, always ready to learn,
and anxious for Imperial Co-operation,
has invited the Prime Ministers of our
Greater Colonies to think Imperially on
the Far Eastern struggle and wire him
the result. He has already received
the following interesting communica-
tions : —
Ottawa,
Yours on Far East received. People
of Canada inspired by glorious memories
WOLFE and MONTCALM survey Oriental
convulsion with coolness, only demand-
ing voice in making of any Treaty
hereafter concluded between Powers at
1 Wan LAURIEB.
P.S. (Unofficial).
What do Japan-
ese eat ? We are
large sellers
wheat, butter,
cheese, best
yellow. Consult
STRATHCONA.
Melbourne.
Australia pre-
serves strict neu-
trality— will not
borrow money
from either belli-
gerent. Fleets
and armies a p-
p reaching our
shores liable to six
months' imprison-
ment as Undesir-
ables, also fine not
exceeding one
hundred pounds.
- No appeal allowed
to Privy Council. Let 'em know this.
DEAKIN.
Capetown.
Are they at war ? So am I. — Kindly
suggest Japanese War Office engage
JAMESON to raid Manchurian Railway —
Bond will pay his passage one way.
Might get KUTHF.RFOORD HARRIS settle
question date of firing first shot.
Excuse brevity. Busy.
SPRIGO.
Wellington.
Glad to see Japan took my advice.
Always told MIKADO torpedoes the thing.
Russian chances dead as frozen mutton.
Warn both sides not to employ Chinese.
They are a demoralising influence in
submarine mines. Tell dear old England
my message to her in present crisis is
" Chops and Preferential Sauce."
Yours,
SEDDON.
FEBRUARY 24, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
143
REALLY BUSINESS-LIKE!
EVENT -The "Annual General Meeting "
of any society, institution, or cliarity,
in any provincial town. SCENE -
probably a dingy apartment at the
back of the Town Hall or reading-
room, furnished with wooden benchf*.
On the Chairman's table is a bottle
of water — a rich rintage, long in
'bottle, to jn<-l<Ji' from its colour. Diu-
HATIS PKRSONM: four Retired Mili-
tary Men, tico Doctors — rival prac-
titioner*, not on the best of terms,
a sprinkling of Clerics, and a dozen
Ladies. There is a hum of subdued
but general conversation.
Tlie Chairman. As our meeting was
called for three o'clock, and it is now
— er — considerably past that hour— (con-
11,'rxiiliun. continues. Secretary thumps
Hi,' tnhli' <in<l remarks " Order! Chair!"
in a fcrnriiniH toin>)—l really think,
ladies and gentlemen, that (with a depre- \
ciitor;/ smile) we had better — er — get to j
\v< H-k. Perhaps the Secretary ?—
Srrrctary (promptly). Yes, at once.
(l-'uriiKniiiio) "Minutes of a meeting
held on," etc., etc. (He reads several
pages.)
Chairman. Thank you, Mr. Secretary.
A— a most able summary. We will
now proceed (aside from the Secretary)
— ah, yes ; of course, of course — we will
now put the minutes to the Meeting.
Those in favour of their adoption will
say "Ay." (No one says it.) Really,
ladies and gentlemen, I should be so
grateful if you would express your
"pinion! Those on the contrary will
say "No!" (A loud "No!" from a
small elderly lady at the back of the
room, who shews every symptom of
embarrassment when all eyes are drawn
In her.)
.Sv/r/div/. Be good enough to state
the grounda of your objection, Madam!
/,'<'/// (covered with confusion). I — I
haven't amj objection to anything — but
1 thought the Chairman asked me to
say " No ! "
Chairman. Then I declare the minutes
passed — (audible aside to Secretary:!
" Do you JM xx minutes V Oh, ' confirm ' 'i
Thank you")— the minutes are hereby
confirmed. I think that our worthy
friend Dr. SQUILLS has a motion to bring
before us.
DC. Squills. Yes, Sir, I have. By
Rule 47 the monthly Committee meet-
in ^ are fixed at 4 P.M. on a Monday —
a most objectionable hour, Sir, chosen
solely in the interests of — (catches the
eye of Dr. BOLUS, his rival) — well, we
-uon't go into that. But Laving been a
member. Sir, of this institution for up-
wards of nine years, during which time :
I ha\i' (A IciHjihi/ autobiography
follows. Conversation becomes general.
One of Dr. S.'s ?><•«/. rhcinricnl /muses is
SCENE — South of France Winter Resort.
Aunt. " KITTY, IF YOU DON'T BEHAVE YOURSELF PROPERLY, I 'LL TELL YOUR MAXMI. WHEX I
WAS YOUR AGE, I WAS A GOOD GIRL." t H1** ,
Kitty. "AND ARE YOU VERY WICKED NOW, ArNT ? "
brohen by the remark, made by one lady
to another, not at all for publication:
"So it turned out to be simply indiges-
tion.")
(Titters. At the end of ten minutes
Dr. S. succeeds in reaching his motion,
which is "That in Rule 47 the words
' 5 P.M. on Tuesday ' be substituted for
' 4 P.M. on Monday.' ")
Chairman. Does any lady or — er —
gentleman second this proposition ?
Military Gentleman (all in one mouth-
ful). Great-pleasure-in-seconding.
Chairman. Then I will put it to
Dr. Bolus (with solemnity). Concerned
as I am — concerned as you, Sir, doubt-
less, are — concerned as every right-
minded and loyal inhabitant must be
for the growth, welfare, and prosperity
of this admirable, useful and important
institution —
(He talks for a quarter of an
hour, ending by moving an amend-
ment. Tlie Secretary proposes an
amendment to the amendment. Some-
one else proposes an amendment to
the amendment to the amendment.
Discussion goes on for an hour or so,
becoming more personal and warmer as
it proceeds.)
Chairman (with a happy inspiration).
Ladies and gentlemen ! We have done
an immense amount of work this after-
noon. (Cheers.) Would it not be well
to adjourn the further consideration of
this — er — knotty problem to our next
annual meeting?
(General assent. Hearty vote of
thanks to the Chair and the meeting
adjourns, every member feeling that
he has spent a really industrious two
hours.)
144
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FF.nm-.uiY L>4, 1904.
"WHO'S WHO?"
THRONED in a place of honour on my shelf
There is a volums I delight to skim in
My leisure moments, which concerns itself
With men and women.
How brief with all its records is the roll
Of these biographies ; yet how emphatic !
How bald, yet business-like ! — and, on the whole,
How democratic !
Here, and no otherwhere, I'll wager it,
Do CHAMBERLAIN and Dr. CLIFFORD nestle
(" Under the whelming C's," as MILTON writ,)
By Lord HUGH CECIL.
Where else are BURNHAH and JOHN BURNS, M.P.,
Whom oft the Daily Telc'jr«/>l<- has slated,
Or courtly CHESTERFIELD and " G. K. C."
Associated ?
How truly entertaining, too, to note
How these important persons take their pleasure :
How rod or racer, bicycle or boat
Beguile their leisure.
How some delight to scale the mountain top,
And one, an aeronautic man of mettle,
To soar triumphant over highest Pop-
ocatape;!.
And one there is who "carpenters," and one
Whose sport assumes the form of " church-bell
ringing,"
And one glad soul who, when his tasks are done
Will fall to " singing."
Then "change of work, and photographing views,
Cycling, or anything but sport " — one guesses
What writer's are those recreations. Whose
But " G. B. S.'s " ?
Play on, my brothers. Sail, and shoot, and sing,
Golf, garden, gad about the globe, be zealous
In the pursuit of every living thing.
I am not jealous.
One slired of privacy I still retain :
^ To keep it sacred is my stout endeavour.
The public knows not how I rest my brain,
Nor shall it ever."
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
AMONG a variety of classics of English literature published
in handy form at moderate price Messrs. NEWNES arc issuing
reprints of famous novels. My Baronite is just now reading
GODWIN'S Caleb Williams, a book whose name has been
familiar to him from boyhood though he never before came
across it in the calf. To be precise the little volume is
daintily bound in what the publishers call "limp lambskin."
Delightful to hold, clear type makes it easy to read and
thin paper gives lightness to its five hundred images
Amongst his various avocations GODWIN himself was a
publisher. But he never turned anything out neater than
this, certainly not at the price. Other novels of Liter date
forming part of the same series, are Hairy Lorrcqner Night
and Morning, and Old St. Paul's. The field to be 'reaped
is illimitable, the harvest rich.
Cruikihank't Water Colour*, with introduction by JOSEPH
GREGO (A. & C. BLACK), is a collection of illustrations that
have long been familiar, in black and white, to all readers of
DICKENS and AINS WORTH and to those who are acquainted with
W. H. MAXWELL'S History of the Irish Rebellion in 1798 and
EmmeU's Insurrection in 1803. The special wrapper, re-
produced in this work as a frontispiece, was drawn and
coloured by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, and was used as "an
illustrated cover to a new edition of Oliver Twlnt, revised
and corrected," when re-issued in ten numbers. The Baron
perfectly remembers all these curiously clever illustrations in
black and white, but of the same designs in colour he cannot
recall many. A few of the very best, here presented, possess
a certain delicacy of tone that one is accustomed to associate
with Sevres china. On the other hand, though in the
majority of CHUIKSIIANK'S coloured work there is a sort of
patchiness and uncertainty, yet there is scarcely one illustra-
tion that, judged from this point,
is ineffective; while, for power-
fully representing dramatic
action in picturesque scenery,
GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, qiiaint man-
nerist though he was, and
possessed of a very limited sense
of female beauty, was unequalled.
The coloured pictures consist of
scenes from Oliver Twist, The
Miser s Daughter and The Irish
Rebellion, with very full excerpts
from the stories and from the his-
tory they originally illustrated.
THE
BARON
DE
B.-W.
A MANX MALADY.
(The ladies' papers announce that unlimited tails are de r'n/ifm- cm
stole, muff and pelerine, and no woman can. consider herself smart
unless liberally equipped with these graceful little excrescem
\\ HY do I shun the crowded street
And choose the lonely track,
And if a friend I chance to meet
Why do I turn my back ?
Because from sympathy or scorn
My shrinking spirit quails ;
Because, disreputably shorn,
I've only seven tails !
Spring's magic madness leaves ine cold,
My heart is like a stone,
And preteniaturally old
I slink along alone ;
My^cry goes up from budding vales
To the unhearing heaven,
" \\ liy should ELAINE have nineteen tails
While 1 have only seven! "
Time was and that's what breaks my heart
Ami stalls in,, through and through -
I was the smartest of the smart,
1 (I rli if enough for \\\n ;
And if, with creditable zest,
I'd grappled at the sales,
I might have purchased, like the rest,
A magasin of tails.
foifftunate<'>ri,teS a
affairs and dignitaries, n posses-:
Archbishop distinguished for his convocation^ powers "
much interest- d in
in posseting ;i:,
f, JITLE FOR A PARLIAMENTARY FABCE.— Bfam<, Box lut
MARCH 2, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
145
A SUGGESTION FOR THE PRESENT HUNTING SEASON IN THE MAIDENHEAD DISTRICT.
[" The course of the River Thames is in some parts five miles wide instead of fifty yards." — Vide Daily Papers.]
A MELO-MUDDLE DRAMA.
MESSRS. ANTHONY HOPE and HARRISON RHODES have chosen
to describe their play of Captain Dieppe, now being per-
formed at the Duke of York's Theatre, as " a light comedy."
A more correct description of it would be melodramatic- |
farcical-comedy. The hero of this amusing muddle-drama
in three Acts is Captain Dieppe, perfectly played by Mr. H.
B. IRVING. He comes on as does Captain Charles in W]u>
Speaks First, rendering signal service as intermediary be-
tween the husband, Count Andrea (Mr. NICHOLAS HOI.THOIE,
good in a difficult role), and the wife, Emilia (Miss MIRIAM
CLEMENTS, amusing in a less difficult role}, whose conduct
in compromising herself with a scoundrelly adventurer, one
Paul de Eonstache (or "Moustache," which is much in
evidence, Mr. Ivo DAWSON melo-dramatically gnawing at it)
will remind most playgoers of the combined indiscretions of
Mrs. Mildmay and her aunt Mrs. Stemhold in regard to
Captain Hawksley. As Guillaume Sevier, a rascally detective,
Mr. EDWARD O'NEILL is good, while the female detective,
Madame Sevier (reminiscent of Mrs. Bucket in Bleak House),
is cleverly, if a little too noisily, played by Miss HELEN FERRERS.
In the midst of. all the bustling situations it is pleasant to be
able to congratulate Mr. DION BOUCICAULT on giving us, by
his rendering of the Able (erroneously styled " Father " in
the programme) Alfonso (this, also is quite wrong unless
" Alfonso " be^a surname) a few restful moments. That the
venerable Abbe cannot be entirely acquitted of causing scandal
by his patting and pawing manners with ladies, and by his
allowing them, however innocently, to rest their heads on
his shoulders, is as unfortunately true as is the fact that
the worthy Abbe, perhaps a little upset by these exceptional
familiarities, seems to have forgotten the professional manner
of imparting a blessing. In every other respect Mr. BOUCICACLT'S
Abbe is excellent.
GOOD NEWS FOR GOOD GIRLS.
DEAR Ladies, I note with indignant distress
The way you 're attacked in the sixpenny press.
There 's never a weekly which doesn't contain
An article holding you up to disdain.
They sneer at your manners and gibe at your taste,
And taunt you with stupidly squeezing your waist.
They twit you with thinking of nought but your clothes,
And larding your maidenly converse with oaths !
You secretly swallow your Eau de Cologne.
Your youthful complexion is seldom your own.
You gamble at Bridge in your bedroom till dawn,
And borrow from Men — if your pearls are in pawn !
You 're bored and rebellious, you scheme and you plot,
You say and you do all the things you should not.
You 're heartless and soulless, your minds are a slough,
And Love is a stranger to whom you won't bow !
In short, though it 's certainly horribly sad,
You girls are apparently all that is bad !
But don't be despondent, for, Ladies, you see,
A morsel of comfort is left you in me !
Though cynical weeklies dissect and revile,
This heart shall still flutter whenever you smile !
To me you are ev'rything charming and good ;
I 'd marrv vou all on the spot if I could.
146
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 2, 1904.
A PLEA FOR DISSOLUTION.
A SOMBRE dawning, dashed with snow,
Brings in the deadly punctual day
When I must urge my pen to flow,
And have an air of 'being gay ;
And this poor fool, that once a week _
Works out in rhyme his soul's probation,
Looks vainly round the void to seek
A cause for public cachinnation.
He hangs his harp, already strained,
Beside the waters parched with dearth ;
The long established founts are drained
That once emitted stuff for mirth ;
And, on the tilths he held in fee,
Kaiser and Laureate, turning traitors,
Have spoiled his pitch and grown to be
Their own unequalled commentators.
Rivals have reeved his ancient rights—
REUTER, on Russian feats, for one — •
Making our serious Press o' nights
To team with quaint unconscious fun ;
Or KIPLING tries his prentice luck
Amid the fume of carburetters,
Spurring his Muse to run amok
All down the line of English letters.
" Yet there 's no lack," you say, " of grist
To yield your grinders full employ,
So long as Parliaments exist
To prove the jester's constant joy.
But Loyalty would loathe to turn
To cynic ends a leader's blunder ;
And Sportsmanship declines to spurn
With flippant boot the dog that's under.
Now is the ninth successive year
That I have found myself allied
With Heaven (what chance for humour here ?)
Upon the big battalions' side.
But courage nerves the heart again,
And hope foresees a fair fruition,
With liberty to talk profane,
Like Lucifer, in Opposition.
Speed, blessed day ! The sands run low ;
A sharp and momentary wrench —
And I shall see LLOYD-GEORGE & Co.
Beam from the Ministerial Bench.
Ah ! let me dwell, but one sweet moon,
By that pellucid source of laughter —
I shall have lived ! nor care how soon
The certain deluge follows after. 0. S.
MANY OLD MASTERS AND THREE GRACES.
AT a season of floods like the present, when water has a
bad name, it is pleasant to find something in favour of
that unpopular element. One need not travel farther than
39fl, Old Bond Street, where Messrs. THOS. AGXEW AND SONS
are holding their thirty-eighth annual exhibition of water-
colour drawings. Here is the justification of water indeed !
All the great masters are represented : TURNER (one good
TURNER not only deserves another but gets many), PROUT,
DAVID Cox, and" ROBERTS, PETER DE WINT, COTMAN, THOMAS
SIDNEY COOPER (with pictures of cows — for a change !), GIRTIN,
WILLIAM HUNT, VARLEY, BIRKET FOSTER, COPLEY FIELDING, and
FRED WALKER. Most charming of the living painters who
are on exhibition is Miss M. L. Gow with a trio of large
studies of lair ladies. Fairer and more graceful Mr. Punch
never saw, and his heart is now divided into three.
THE HIGHER COMMERCIAL EDUCATION.
THE only alternative advice which the opponents of Tariff
Reform have so far offered to meet the needs of our failing
commerce is that we should improve our Technical Educa-
tion. Mr. Punch in his Business Manual supplies a long-
felt want. . , ,
To show, for instance, what may yet be done with one of
our two great basal trades (the meat and drink trades) he is
happy to give an extract from the above work, and place
before an expectant world
MR. PUNCH'S ADVICE TO A YOUNG BUTCHER.
It is not easy to outline a course of training for the
embryo butcher. He will of course start with a sound
secondary education. Then we recommend him to take the
bull by the horns (we may be pardoned a trade simile) and
go straight away to Argentina. Here he will spend a year
in studying the manners and customs of the ox in its native
teacup. An equally long visit should be paid to New
Zealand, where the sheep can be observed in its lair. From
New Zealand the young aspirant should return in the cold-
air store of a steamer, so that he may properly note the
effects of frigidity on the animal carcase.
Now that the student has an adequate knowledge of the
whole animal (alive or dead) he should take a course of
anatomy and study dissection. Under Sir J. CRICHTON
BROWNE he will learn how to cut up anything.
Next we should indicate for the earnest butcher a conti-
nental tour in which he will observe the manners, customs,
costumes, and trade utensils of the foreign butcher, and
consider whether any of them could be advantageously
introduced into England. It is essential that he should
spend at least a year at the Charlottenburg University
Abattoirs. He might also see in the course of his travels if
any new animals, such as the porcupine or the armadillo,
would prove desirable additions to the British bill of fare.
Then a certain time should be devoted to the study of
languages. A butcher who knows the leading European
languages undoubtedly has a great advantage over his
competitors. Imagine the case of a British butcher who
receives an order for a leg of mutton from say Genoa, and
has no knowledge of Italian. Could anything be more calcu-
' lated to check trade ? French, Spanish, Italian, and above
all German (essential to one who wishes to follow the
scientific development of butcherdom) ought to equip the
student for his life's work. Nor should the metric system
be neglected. A butcher who is able to render his bills in
grammes and kilogrammes will never be troubled with those
ruinous deductions from accounts so trying to the ordinary
practitioner.
To turn to another side of the business, a butcher who
calls at many houses and converses with many servants
ought to be a master of the art of graceful repartee. This
is to some extent a natural gift, but a study of "RITA'S"
novels will greatly help the student. Then, too, he ought to
take lessons in the art of depreciation. It is often needful
on a busy Saturday evening that a butcher should pour
oratorical contempt on the wares of his rivals across the
road. Therefore a close study of Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S eloquence
should be advantageous. A butcher should also not neglect
his general culture. One of the most prosperous butchers in
Hackney Road attributes his success in life entirely to the
fact that he has always been a regular reader of the
Spectator.
Perhaps the course of study we have outlined may seem
an extensive one, but it cannot be too strongly asserted that
the days of the common butcher — the " anywhere-you-like-
eightpence-Mum " butcher — are numbered. The future lies
with the scientific butcher.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— MARCH 2, 1904.
THE WESTMINSTER
WONDER!
THE FAT BOY OF WESTMINSTER.
THE RIGHT HON. AKTH-K B-LF-R. "I SAY! IF YOU GO ON SHRINKING LIKE THIS WE'LL HAVE
TO CUT SHORT YOUR ENGAGEMENTS!"
MARCH 2, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
149
CHARIVARIA.
WE hear that the fact that the life
of Consul, the Chimpanzee, was heavily
nsured has led to the appearance of
several persons who claim to be his
next-of-kin.
The' report :that
,he price of the
Daily Mail is to be
reduced is a canard.
A number of
people interested in
;he boot-trade are
complaining that
the increased use
of tramcars is hav-
ng a serious effect
on their business.
We feel sure it is
only necessary to
draw the attention
of the public to this,
and they will take
to walking again.
The Russian
Government de-
clares that the Jews
throughout Russian
dominions are now
the aiders and abet-
tors of high treason.
The ingrates !
case of attack by a ruffian, a stiletto
hat-pin is about to be placed on the
market. We understand that on each
hat-pin will be engraved the words,
" On no account to be used by the
ruffian."
We have more than once called atten-
tion to the dangers of duelling. As the
result of an encounter 'at Paris M. DAB-
KOITK and M. DUBOIS .have parted bud
friends. •
A gentlemang writes to the^ Press as
follows : — " 1844,
1854, 1864, and
1874 were all very
good harvest years.
May we hope that,
in spite of the un-
favourable atmo-
spheric conditions
at present ex-
perienced, this ten-
year cycle may ex-
tend to 1904?"
We have great
pleasure in giving
our_ permission.
The Fiscal Ques-
tion continues, in
spite of the War,
to absorb a large
amount of atten-
tion. It has now
been discussed by
the Lords. It is
not known how
they came to hear
of it.
Many Members
of Parliament are
complaining that
they get no chance
of delivering their
orations. It has
been proposed, with
a view to meeting
these cases, that on
private Members' days four shall be
allowed to speak at the same time until
arrears are worked off.
Tlie Professor. " PERMIT ME TO PRESENT MI FBIEND ME. SIONNEH, ONE OF ODE MOST PBOMISINO
YOUNG TAXIDERMISTS."
Hostess (who pridet herself on altcays saying the right thing). "BcT HOW DfTEBESTlNo!
AND ARE you FOR OB AOAINST MR. CHAMBERLAIN'S PROPOSALS?"
The newest fashionable pet is the
Mexican devil-fish. Fashion is cer-
tainly wonderfully fickle. One day the
favourite is a cat, another a bird, then
a dog, then Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER, and
now a fish !
As a means of defence for women in
Mr. GEORGE MOORE declares that
authors with beaiitiful names write
beautiful books, and Miss MARIE CORELLI
is said to be quite annoyed at the
insinuation that she cannot help it.
Lord SELBORNE
has expressed him-
self as greatly
pleased with the
progress made by
the Naval Volunteer
movement on, the
Thames and the
Clyde. He an-
nounces that nego-
tiations are now in
progress for the
establishment of
Volunteer divisions
on the Severn, the
Forth, the Tay and
the Mersey, and it
is even rumoured
that an armoured
outrigger is to be
placed on the
Wandle.
Mr. JAMES P. LEE,
the famous Ameri-
can inventor, is
dead, but the brood
is not extinct. The
Far East represen-
tative of the New
York Herald has
cabled to his jour-
nal that trains of
twelve cars are now
arriving at Port
Messrs. NEWNES announce that they
will shortly issue number one of Fry's
Magazine. Notwithstanding its title tins
new venture has no connection with
" CADBURY'S Journal."
Arthur every ten minutes.
The Motor Car Show held at the
Crystal Palace last week was a great suc-
cess, though several visitors who came
to purchase cheap cars were appalled at
the prices, and had to content them-
selves with a pair of motor spectacles.
The Weather Authorities declare there
is no pleasing us. They tried a change
last week, and it turned out a frost. — '
150
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 2, 1904.
PICKY BACK.
(Being the Eiyhth and Last Passage from the re-inconanation of
Picklock IJoles )
THE STORY OF THE LOST PICKLOCK.
THERE are some things a man never forgets. Years may
it almost shocks me to think so — to human frailties. They
may be jealous ; on the other hand they may be merely
ignorant. And yet even they must have heard what un-
exampled facilities I possess for concluding wars. POISON,
do you recollect —
" Do I recollect ! " I interrupted. " Why, HOLES, everybody
pass : a nomadic existence may find a rest in Baker Street ; I knows that you finished, absolutely and entirely finished, the
Baker Street in turn may give way to more aristocratic things ' South African war months and months and months before
and a better quarter of the town; there may be marryings the army had begun to dream of peace. That has always
and births and buryings ; any one, in fact, of the innumer- seemed to me one of the surest proofs of your massive and
able events to which even a conanical existence is liable may superhuman intellect."
bring its obliterating influence to bear on the mind, but Here I broke down, and sobbed like a cliild.
these imforgettable things, when once they have occurred, j " Nay, POTSON," said HOLES, patting me on the back with
stand out for ever witli a startling and permanent distinct- one hand, while with the other he brushed away what I was
ness that none of the chances and changes of this mortal life ! tempted to think might be the nearest approach to a tear
can ever manage to thoroughly or even partly efface or, for that had ever trickled over that thought-worn and meditative
the matter of that, to injuriously affect. Of such was the I cheek, " nay, POTSON, you must not repine. Though we are
adventure which, in pursuance of my duty to HOLES and not matched in brain-power — Heaven knows I did not ask
humanity at large, I am about to describe. j for all I have, nor did you intend to have so little — we still
We had been for some time past living a quiet life, dis- have one another. Yet I own that, things being what they
turbed only by a series of telegrams from the Emperor are, I am — pardon my weakness, POTSON ; I cannot help it —
WILLIAM and a prolonged quest for a briar-root pipe and a J I am lost in amazement —
cairngorm shirt-stud (an heirloom in the HOLES family), which, j " No, no, HOLES," I shrieked in anguish, " not lost. Don't
as it subsequently turned out, had been abstracted and j say that. Not lost. What should I do without you ? Not
stomachic-ally concealed by Laura, the favourite parrot of I lost."
Mrs. COLES, our landlady. In the investigation which had ' But the bolt had fallen. The silver cord was broken,
followed on the disappearance of these articles HOLES had ! The pitcher had gone to the well once too often. Apollo had
displayed all his marvellous acumen. Never had I known , bent his bow for the last time. The last cartridge had been
his deductivity to burn with a steadier and a more brilliant ] expended. HOLES, the mighty detective, the unequalled
flame. How well 1 recall that memorable afternoon when he | discoverer of the lost, was now lost himself. He had said
sprang suddenly from the horse-hair armchair on which it, and it was not for me, the poor Baker Street doctor, to
he had been resting and, with a look of concentrated essence contradict him.
of intellect which was almost overwhelming in its Bovrility, | " Shall I try to find you, HOLES ? " I asked timidly,
shouted to me :— He turned on me with a blaze of anger in his eves'.
'POTSON, fool of my heart, you are sitting on it, you are : "PoTsox," he said, "you really are a most consummate
sitting on it. fool."
"Am I, HOLES ? " I replied, gently. " I am glad to know !
Since then I have abandoned my efforts.
the
don't mean that — at least not in the way you mean," and he as they ought to be dealt' with
Proceeded to prove to me that the cushion on which I was \ And so, for the present, my task is done. Yet i
seated being covered with red plush was intimately allied I silence of the night-time, or in the busy haunts of men by
with the legs of a footman and that thus, proceeding by the day, I sometimes hear a voice which says in mysterious
stages of hair-powder, powder-puff, puff-paragraph, par-value, accents :-" Some day you shaU meet him again " ^
value received, he was able to prove that I had actually been !
at one time or another in receipt of the lost objects.
uu _^vtji Ten
days afterwards, Laura having' in the meantime given up
the ghost, they were found in her inside. I shall always
THE NEW DIFFIDENCE.
Jut I am straying from :
'£186. .Notninflr \VOTTlfK
ness that events which he could comfortably have controlled " If, i
and moulded to the benefit of the human species were passing ' critical "
ithnut any help from him ; that those who had set these
motion had done so without consulting him "It
s strange " he would mutter in that far-away ascetic voice look on the
f 1m, that after a 1 1 have done both for the CZAR and the And other
they should have had the face to go to war without a mav be
word to me.
''HOLES," I broke in impatiently, for I am free to confess
.hat 1 could never keep my temper in face of a slight put
upon the man whom 1 considered to be the marvel of the Neics
century, " HOLES, it is worse than a crime : it is a blunder of
unparalleled magnitude. But there is one comfort : the fools
wiJl live to regret it."
'Hush, hush, POTSOX," said HOLES not unkindly "we
must not judge them harshly. Let us remember that
even an Emperor and a Mikado may be subject—
prognostication. After such a statement as That"
u S™ "T ^^ the Daily
- a,'m havm« been ever to
and S"SpeCt
for a moment to add to the diffi-
—." Times.
's enemies ." Daily
ldid~-s Tmlbeen my habit to £nd fault' but * *
i^c^HLL^sSipS6811^ T rp^ with
•"pi i- "s campaign . St. James s Gazette.
\ endeavoured to maintab- '-^^Tfo Stock.™
MABCH 2, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
151
[THE MUSE OF HISTORY.
Tire value of tlie Limerick as a hand-
maid to history has not been sufficiently
considered by the commentators who
have ministered to its revival. Many of
the smaller yet significant phases of
modern life can find adequate record
only in it-, irresponsible jocundity.
Other chronicles jumble and hesitate,
doubt and stammer : the Limerick goes
straight to the point, as the following
specimens, touching events of the
moment in affairs of literature, amply
prove. They have been collected from
several sources, but the illustrious
authors preferring to remain unknown
Mr. Punch has indicated ownership
merely by initials :—
JOSEPH is EGYPT.
There was an old statesman who took
A trip to the Nile vid COOK.
Whenever his mind
To old AKERS inclined,
He laughed till the Pyramids shook.
D.
THE FISCAL PROBLEM.
A Premier from North of the Tweed
By JOSEPH was hopelessly treed ;
From a very back seat
He exclaimed with much heat,
" As long as I 'm Leader I '11 lead ! "
It chanced, from his sofa at Brighton,
That he asked, " Is the new man a
right 'un ? "
When they said, " His name 's
SLACK,"
He collapsed on his back,
And you ne'er saw a wearier Titan.
H. C.-B.
TREASURE-HUNTING .
There once was a bard named LE
GALLIENNE,
Who toiled up the slopes of Schiehal-
lion.
In his mouth he 'd a song,
In his hand he 'd a prong,
For he hoped to unearth a medallion.
A. C. S.
LIBRARIAN TO THE HOUSE OF LORDS.
There once was a Board of Trade bard, ,
Who now the Peers' bookshelves must
guard :
He '11 dole out a novel
To Dukes (if they grovel),
But the lot of the Bishops is hard.
A. D.
THE MUSES AMONGST THE MOTORS.
There once was a chauffeur named
KIPLING,
Who rushed through the country ptp-
pippling.
Whenever lie stopped,
Out a parody popped,
But the things weren't remarkably
rippling. A. A.
ON HIS DIGNITY.
Sam. "MAMMA BODOHT ME A PAIR OF GLOVES YESTERDAY."
Auntie. " REALLY ! WHAT ARE THEY ? KIDS ? "
Sam. "No, THEY'RE MEN'S."
THE BUDGET.
A Chancellor once of Exchequer
Tried nobly to keep up his pecker ;
His intentions were good,
And he did what he could,
But his Pa was a terrible wrecker.
C. T. R.
"THE DEATH OF ADAM."
There once was a poet named BINYON,
Whose verses were printed in minion ;
In a state of collapse
He demanded small caps,
But the comps. had another opinion.
H. N.
SPADE WORK.
There was an old man with a spade,
Who frequently cried, " Who 's
afraid ? "
He called all to see
What a digger was he :
But they found that the spade had no
blade. A. J. B.
MR. JUSTICE BUCKNILL said last week
that he had been erroneously reported
in the Times as saying that " only once
before," instead of "timce before," had
he inflicted a sentence of " twelve
strokes of the cat." But surely if
he leaves the second word unaltered
an error still remains uncorrected.
Strict Neutrality.
GOVERNESS, Junior; Intermediate; male
and female.
Advt. in the "Christian Advocate."
152
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI.
[MARCH 2, 1904.
CATECHISM.
Pall Mail
A REVISED LITERARY
(Compiled from Mr. GxoRas MOOBB'S " Avow.il»" in the
Magazine " for March.)
Question. Can you tell mo with whom the English Novel
began ?— Answer. It began with FIELDLNC.
0. What do you know about FIELDING ?— A. He was the:
first English author who eat down to write i'or money ; his
voice is unmistakably the voice of an -mtertabar, and his
greatest novel is only a seeming—it seenw profound because ;
it has the tone of the smoking-room, and is written i
Q. With whom did the English Novel end?-—^. With
JAKE AUSTEN.
Q. Was she a great novelist? — A. No, but she created a
style — though it was but woolwork.
Q. Have there been any distinguished novelists since?—
A. None that I am aware of.
Q. What do you think of SCOTT?- .4. His sentences roll as
easily as empty barrels, but some of his novels roll no longer,
and the rest will go to pieces in a little while.
Q. To what would you be inclined to attribute his failure ? |
^4. To his having been born with such a snub-nosed, con-
ventional, pot-bellied name as WALTER SCOTT.
Q. And that settles SCOTT ?—A. That settles SOOTT.
Q. How about THACKERAY? — A. His name is a poor one!
—the syllables clatter like plates ; it is the name one
would naturally use when one wants the carriage at half-
past two.
Q. Was lie a great writer? — A. No, merely an eminently
respectable and commonplace person, who is already con-
demned to oblivion.
Q. Should we think our fathers and mothers stupid for
admiring him? — A. No, we must try not to judge them by
a modern standard.
Q. And that disposes of THACKERAY ? — A. That disposes of
THACKERAY.
Q. How would you describe DICKENS ? — A. He had a name
only fit for a page-boy, and therefore he could not have
evolved the music of the Spenserian stanza. To read him
reduces any intelligent mind to the condition of a blank
Sahara.
Q. And that does for DICKENS ? — A. That does for DICKENS.
Q. Who was ALFRED TENNYSON? — A A man with a beau-
tiful name but with a mediocre intelligence.
Q. Then we need not trouble ourselves about TENNYSON ? —
A. Nobody ever does, now.
Q. What do you know of GEORGE ELIOT ? — A. Very little.
Her real name was MARIA EVANS, a chawbacon, thick-loined
name, but withal pleasing.
Q. Then why did she assume the nom de guerre of " GEORGE
ELIOT " ? — A. Because the Providence that shaped the writer
to its ends required a hollow barren name without sign of
human presence, and like a white-lipped sea-shell on the
mantelpiece of a Pentonville front parlour.
Q. So as to be in harmony with her books ? — A. Precisely.
Q. How do you like the name of SHELLEY? — A. It is a
perfectly lovely name !
Q. And the name of SBAKSPEARE ? — A. It is the most beau-
tiful name of all, and was chosen by BACON on that account,
as the only one under which his plays could be written.
Q. What is your opinion of CHARLOTTE BRONTE? — A. Her
name was all right — but she was a governess, and wrote
melodramas about governesses, and it is a sign of weakness
to write about ourselves.
Q. Tell me anything you know about BYRON. — A. He was
not by nature a versifier, but he wrote in verse because he
wanted freedom from the restraints of prose.
Q. What are the restraints of prose "i—A. I suppose the
laws of rhyme and metre. Anyhow, verse is the legitimate
vehicle of thought in England, because it is made out of the
vast unchanging life within us.
Q. Then it is not a sign of weakness for Poets to write
about themselves I—A. They mostly do.
Q. Can you state Mr. GEORGE MOORE'S latest critical dis-
covery ? A. He has discovered that the name a writer bears
interprets the quality of his writing.
Q. Does this refer to his real name or his nom de guerre?
—A. To whichever suits the theory best.
Q. Can you give any proof of this theory ? — A. I can. All
6ur English Poets, without exception, have beautiful names.
Q. For example?— A. AKENSIDE, BROWNE, BROWNING—
Q. Surely you would not call BROWNING a Poet ? — A. I was
forgetting. But CRABBE, CRASHAW, DEKKER, DONNE, DYER,
FLETCHER, JONSON, LODGE, NASHE, QUARLES and WITHER are
all beautiful names.
Q. And what kind of names have modern Novelists ? —
A. They have vulgar squashy names like pot-hats and
goloshes.
Q. Can you give instances? — A. Certainly; BARRIE,
BESANT, EGEHTON CASTLE, CONRAD, MAURICE HEWLETT, ANTHONY
HOPE, MARRIOTT, MEREDITH and FRANKFORT MOORE.
Q. And what deduction should be drawn from these
hideous surnames? — A. That their owners are a broken-
kneed, wind-galled, spavined lot of hansoms.
Q. Do these epithets apply to them as drivers, horses, or
vehicles? — A. The comparison is all the more appropriate
because it does not go quite on all fours and must not be
driven too far.
Q. What would you say about the names of French and
Russian novelists ? — A. They are always beautiful.
Q. Mention some. — A. ABOUT, BELOT, DAUDET, GABORIAU,
DOSTOVIESKI, POUSHKIN, and GORKI.
Q. Having dismissed most English novels as beneath con-
tempt, can you mention any modern works from the pages
of which a kind of soul arises ?— A. I seem to remember a
book called Wee Macgreegor.
Q. Don't be ridiculous ! Come, pull yourself together.
What are the only two novels referred to in Avowals in terms
of respect and consideration? — A. I suppose you mean
Evelyn Innes, and Sister Teresa.
Q. How do you like the name of MOORE ? — A. TOMMY MOORE
sounds most melodious and sacchariferous.
Q. I mean GSORSE MOORE, not TOMMY. Didn't he write
Evelyn Innes ? — A. I believe he did.
Q. And does it resemble the colourless productions of
SCOTT, THACKERAY, DICKENS, or GEORGE ELIOT, in any one
particular? — A. Not to my knowledge.
Q. And what does Mr. GEORGE MOORE do when he is weary
of original work ?— A. He takes an aesthetic holiday.
Q. Can you define an " aesthetic holiday " ?— A. It appears
to consist in lounging through the National Portrait Gallery
and making a long nose at every writer who has enriched
our Literature.
Q. Should you expect this exciting adventure to create any
slump in the sale of their works ? — A. I should not.
Q. Does Mr. GEORGE MOORE expect us to take his discoveries
seriously ?— A. I trust he has not quite so low an opinion of
our intelligence as all that.
Q. Does he take them seriously himself?— A. I think more
j highly of his intelligence than to suppose so.
Q. Then what has impelled him to print these amiable
I indiscretions?— A The aesthetic necessity he has himself
avowed.
Q. And what is that ?— A. To fill a column. F. A.
THE VERY LAST ON THIS SUBJECT.— A correspondent wishes
to be informed whether the male relative of Little Mary is
Little Tummy?
MARCH 2, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
WHERE IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS.
(Gentleman with, comic face has just finished very pathetie story.)
Brown (who is very deaf, and has been watching his expression). " HA ! HA ! VBBY GOOD ! FUNNIEST THINO I 'VE HEARD FOB A LONO mot ! "
MY LAST ILLUSION.
MORE years ago than I can state
(Or would divulge if I were able)
It was my privilege and fate
To worship the enchanting MABEL.
She was a maid of sweet fifteen ;
Blue-eyed and flaxen as a fairy
Was MABEL ; as a rule I lean
To something darker, but I vary.
And for awhile we lived enrapt
In our young loves, and all was jolly ;
Till I was shamefully entrapped
By one who bore the name of MOLLY.
For MOLLY'S eyes were black as ink ;
And MOLLY'S hair was deepest sable ;
It pains me even now to think
How badly I behaved to MABEL.
But I was doomed to pay the price,
For MOLLY proved both false and
giddy ;
1 gave her some sincere advice
Once, and was jilted for a middy.
0 bitter, bitter was my cup !
I almost felt like one demented ;
1 hardly cared for bite or sup
Till I saw MABEL, and repented.
But MABEL'S wrath was undisguised,
She was distinctly cold and haughty ;
I told her I apologised,
I owned that I was very naughty ;
I left no stone unturned to woo
The suffrage of her tender mercies ;
I wrote her letters not a few,
And some extremely poignant verses ;
Tears, vows, entreaties, all were vain :
We parted with a final flare-up —
I only saw her once again,
Just at the time she put her hair up.
For several years we ranged apart ;
But though in minor ways unstable,
Down in its deeps, my torpid heart
Has always hankered after MABEL.
And often, when I heard the name,
It would begin to throb con moto
In homage to my boyhood's flame,
And anguished longings for her photo.
I have no longings now. To-night
For one brief hour we came together,
And for that one brief hour you might
Have knocked me over with a
feather.
Perhaps the fault was mine. Perhaps,
In nourishing a youth's Ideal,
I had forgotten how the lapse
Of time would modify the Real.
Maybe the charms that won the boy's
Young heart were there in full per-
fection,'
But could no longer counterpoise
My bias for a dark complexion.
But ah, what boots the abstract doubt ?
Seeing that she has wed another,
What boots it that I thought her stout,
And growing like Tier dreadful
Mother ?
Tis but my last illusion fled,
Perished, dissolved in idle folly ;
The MABKL of my dreams is dead ; —
I wonder what became of MOLLY !
DuM-UuM.
154
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAECH 2, 1904.
A MODERN LAOCOOIM.
An Incident on the Field of Waterloo (Altcar).
WAR NEWS.
THE Novoe Vremya declares in the
most positive manner that the Japanese
army in Korea has been entirely routed,
that twelve Japanese battleships, twenty-
five torpedo boats and one fishing-smack
have been sunk by the Vladivostok
squadron, and that the MIKADO has fled
to Wei-hai-wei disguised as an English
lord.
The New York Herald says positively
that there is absolutely no truth in the
rumours of disaffection in Russia, or of a
deficiency in the supply of alcoholic
liquors in Port Arthur. 569,231 troops
left Moscow last week for Manchuria.
STOP PRESS NEWS. (From our extra-
special Correspondent with the Japanese
Army). — All the war correspondents are
detained in Tokio. The weather is fine
for the time of year. Bright sunshine
recorded at Yokohama yesterday 2'01
hours. To-day's earthquake very slight.
All very comfortable here. Nice tea
houses. Nice tea parties. [The re-
mainder of the telegram has apparently
been suppressed by the Censor.]
STOPPER PRESS NEWS. (From our extra-
special Correspondent with the Russian
Army.) — [The whole of this telegram has
apparently been suppressed by the
Censor.]
NEW KINDERGARTEN METHODS.
[" Whenever you say ' Don't ' to a child you
crush the creative within him which is the
richest and most precious thing he has." — Mr.
O. Archibald of Montreal, Child Specialist.]
YE fathers, ye mothers, ye guardians,
indeed
All ye persons " in loco parentis,"
Who in infancy sow educational seed,
Which you reap in the teens and the
twenties,
If the sheaves you would gather are
goodly to see,
Here's a rule that will help you to
win them : —
Consider your charges; be guided by
me,
And don't crush the creative within
them.
Should the genius of MARMADDKE lead
him to rear,
From the dining-room floor to the
ceiling,
A palace of crystal and china, oh ! fear
To exhibit an atom of feeling.
But your Satsuma bowl you will cheer-
fully bring,
And, where others would threaten to
skin him,
You will beg him to do a8 he likes with
the thing,
Lest you crush the creative within him.
If LUCY refuses potatoes and bread,
And calls for meringues and for trifle,
Or anything else that may enter her head,
Such yearnings another would stifle.
You will hand her a menu-card, beg her
to state
What she happens to fancy for dinner,
And pray that you never may find^it
your fate
To crush the creative within her.
See our little people, at work or at play,
And own your mistakes are gigantic !
See yourselves in the new Psychological
.Ray
Which beams from beyond tb.9
Atlantic !
Those brains-of-an-oyster, believe me,
you owe
To the brutal Malacca and sinew
Which urged you along "in the way
you should go,"
Yes ! — and crushed the creative within
you.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHART V ART.— MARCH 2. I'.tOI.
OPPORTUNITY.
MARCH 2, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
157
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Lords, Monday, February ±?.
— Fundamental difference between House
of Lords and House of Commons brought
into strong light. On Order Paper of
former stands resolution of proportions
of one of those short speeches for which
the soul of Major RASCH yearneth. It is
fathered by Lord MCSKKHRY, and pro-
poses nothing less — indeed nothing
more — than suspension, of Irish Land
Act passed last year. Incited by action j three several occasions by audibly
of DON JOSE, MCSKERRY wants to appoint ; snapping his fingers at Maynooth.
his own Commission to inquire into the More than a generation passed since
effect of previous legislation on same introduction of that word into Parlia-
lines. mentary debate stirred the blood. With
Had any eccentric Memberof Commons
conceived this notion and desired to read
a paper expounding it, he would have
found himself obliged to seek oppor-
tunity at the mouth of the ballot-box.
He might have balloted week after
week, and when, after long buffeting,
fortune favoured him, he would pro-
stupendous resolution affecting either flickered over features of noble Lords
China or Peru, he observed on entering throughout the delightful come.lv.
House that PRIME MINISTER had not; Business dom-. Cord McsiCEBRY movee
turned up. Accordingly, postponed his to suspend working of Land Act. Lord
speech for a week, when the hapless ASIIIIOI KM: protested that " no one with
MARKISS, admitting fatuity of attempting any sen.se" would ailinu that the Act
to evade it, more or less, comfortably
slept through its delivery.
MUSKKKKY not so fastidious. House
nearly empty, but his manuscript full.
Fort I et. Jiil cl't iiiliil diiji<-il<: is the MUS-
KERRY family motto. So he drums away j
half an hour, waking up LANSDOWNE on j
the fourth Baron Mt SKKIUIY the wound
still bleeds. Is convinced that May-
nooth is at bottom of the failure of Lund
Act GEOKGE WYNDHAM piloted through
the Commons with natural grace and
cultured skill.
" It seems," he says, " to have been
the object of the authors of this
ma-
bably, shortly after rising, have found j chinery of robbery and confiscation to
himself counted out, his paper unread, tickle the cupidity of well-to-do farmers
They manage these things differently from whose rents Maynooth (click!) is
in the Lords. Any Peer, consulting j recruited and provided. Maynooth
solely his own convenience, may put
down, on any night, whatsoever fantastic
proposal occurs to his mind as he Bits in
nis baronial hall. It is printed at the
expense of the nation ; House sits in
full form, if not in full force ; the
precious paper, from which the family
circle, the butler standing rapt at
respectful distance, have already suffered,
is ruthlessly read to the end.
That Young Fellow, WEMYSS, once
introduced pleasing variation upon
custom. Having given long notice of
(click .') is encouraged ; the gentry, arti-
sans, civilisation and labour may go to
ruin."
Almost expected the inspired orator
to drop into poetry after the manner of
RUTLAND in his salad days :
From Gentry, Art, and Labour stand aloof,
But fill, oh nil the pockets of Maynooth !
In verbatim note of passage from
speech here quoted the word in brackets
marks the explosion created by contact
between the noble Lord's thumb and
forefinger. Thing quite new in Par-
liamentary debate; wonderful effect
upon argument. Strengthened by
peculiar action attending it. Ordinary
people, when at mention of Maynooth or
other personally exasperating word they
snap their fingers, extend arm and fire
away. Possibly MUSKERHY was driven
from ordinary practice by fact that right
in front of him, solemn on the Wool-
sack, bewigged and begowned, sat the
LORD HIGH CHANCELLOR. Had he even
appeared to be snapping his fingers at
KINO JOHN (OF BATTERSEA).
" If I were King, I wouldn't stand it."
Mr. J-hn B-rns's speech on the advertisement
monstrosities near Buckingham Palace.
that dignitary, remarks would
been made.
Accordingly, whenever the word
Maynooth welled up, the indignant Peer,
turning half a pace to the right, fired
away in that direction, as if he were out
shooting in the demesne at Drumcollo-
gher and a woodcock had sped by.
When all the ammunition had been
shot away and Maynooth understood to
be riddled, MUSKERRY sat down. An
Irish Duke and eke'a Baron said a few
words. Motion withdrawn. House
solemnly adjourned, not a smile having
" Cms-Cms " OR A " CHIXESE COMPOUND."
Viceroy of the Provinces of Teh-Ku-In, and
Peh-Yu-L6h.
(The Et. Hon. Alfr-d L-tt-lt-n.)
was a failure. Lord MUSKERRY had
reiterated that assertion. Argal — but
we won't pursue the proposition.
House of Commons, Tuesday. — At
Question time conversation quite Ollen-
dorfian in style. COLONIAL SECRETARY
stated that a person would be appointed
to China to explain to Chinamen the
nature of contracts entered into for
service in South African mines. This
followed : —
Sir H. CAMPBF.U.-BANNERMAS. Is this person
to be all over China, or in some particular
place?
Mr. LYTTELTON. He is to be in that place
where it is desirable he should be.
Mr. MucNEiLL. Am I to understand that the
details of the arrangement are to be left to the
discretion of Lord MILNEB?
Mr. LYTTELTOS. No, Sir ; you must not under-
stand that.
Mr. MAONEIIX. Then I do understand it
Ever since the MEMBER FOR SARK has
been going about with reminiscences of
similar passages from the original.
"Have you the pink umbrella of
your grandfather's cousin ? '
" No ; but I have the green sunshade
of his wife's sister-in-law."
Army Estimates on yesterday. To-
day Navy has a look in. Concatenation
of circumstance useful as bringing into
strong light the subtle policy that
underlies administration of the two
Services. ARNOLD-FORSTEII understood to
158
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI
the fleet From
„ Conning Tower. He is, accordingly,
sent to take charge of the War Office.
Naval affairs, land twenty-five thousand pounds no
' shillings and pence. Result, returned
Government with increased majority.
Business done. — Captain PRETYMAN,
Then there is Captain PRETYMAX. He
is a man of war, has smelt powder fired
on Roval birthdays and the like by
the Royal Suffolk Volunteer Artillery.
Whenever in past days Army matters
were to the fore, be sure the gallant
captain would be around putting things
S" The very man for the Navy," says
PRINCE ARTHUR, regarding him critically.
So the honorary Colonel of the First
Suffolk Volunteer Artillery is made Civil
Lord of the Admiralty. Thus are the
Services brought into closer touch. To-
day it fell to PRETYMAN'S lot to defend
the Navy Estimates, which include
purchase money of two Chilian war
.
late of the Suffolk Volunteer Artillery,
now at the Admiralty, comes out in new
character as .-.uthority on finance.
Friday night.— The last words of
eminent men are treasured up in litera-
ture. Some are beautiful ; some grim ;
Last March, when subject before
House, PRINCE ARTHUR scorned sugges-
tion that these vessels, then in the
market, should be bought. They were,
he insisted, in every way unsuitable for
brotherhood of the British Fleet. Now,
at a price reaching a million and three-
quarters sterling, they have been ac-
quired. How is this, Committee wants
to know.
PRINCE ARTHUR not here to explain. If
he were, he might recall BENEDICK'S re-
mark when charged with inconsistency :
" When I said I would die a bachelor,
I did not think that I should live till
I were married."
So PRINCE ARTHUR: "When I said I
would not have these Chilian vessels as
a gift, I did not think I should live to
give £1,875,000 for them."
In his absence PRETYMAX volubly
explains that the transaction is really an
economy. Suppose we hadn't bought
them, some other nation would. There-
upon we should have had to build two
others, which would have cost at least
a couple of millions. Transaction there-
fore actually puts a quarter of a million
sterling into the pocket of British tax-
payer.
In matters of domestic finance Wilkins
Micauber not in it with ERNEST GEORGE
PRETYMAN, late Captain in the Royal
Artillery. " Annual income twenty
pounds, annual expenditure nineteen
nineteen six, result happiness. Annual
income twenty pounds, annual expendi-
ture twenty pounds nought and six
result misery."
Compare with that PRETYMAN'S econo-
mical dictum and see how trifling was
Mr. Micaicbers.
"Two war ships cost two millions
sterling. Buy them for one million
eight hundred and seventy-five thousand
pounds no shillings and pence, and
you collar for the working-man (whose
vote will soon be wanted) one hundred
A KEEN WIT.
Frederick Lambton, twin.
several apocryphal. JOHN PE.YN, for a
dozen years Member for
town of
his native
Lewisham, was not numbered
among the great of the earth. A simple-
minded, shrewd-headed, kind-hearted
man, he shrank from the cheap publicity
of the Question hour, never wasted time
of House by
speech. Still
?rosy or argumentative
venture to think his
last recorded words, in respect of their
sublime unselfishness, the rare considera-
tion for others at the awful moment
when humanity is usually concerned for
itself, are worthy of record. Only to-
day I hear of them from his old Harrow
housemate, the SECRETARY FOR SCOTLAND.
" Don't bury me 011 Thursday," PENN
whispered, the hand of Death already
upon him. " There is a little girl oppo-
site going to be married on that day,
and it would be gruesome."
The little girl opposite was the
daughter of Sir WEETMAH and Lady
PEARSON, now Lady DENMAN. As far as
I know, PENN was not personally ac-
quainted with the family on the opposite
side of Carlton House Terrace. But he
had heard of the coming marriage, and,
deep in the shadow of the Valley of
Death, his first thought, as it had been
through his lifetime, was for others.
Business done. — Musical Copyright
Bill considered.
THE EGREGIOUS ENGLISHMAN.
[The Scotch Education Department, not
satisfied with the pronunciation in vogue
bevond the Tweed, has appointed a Liverpoo
gentleman to instruct the teachers of Scotland
how to speak polite English.]
A PLAGUE on yon Depairtment, JEAMES !
It maun be aye appearin'
\Vi' sic a host 0 daft-like schemes,
Forever interferin'.
Tis past a joke when feckless fouk
Awa' in Lunnon ettle
Wi a' this fuss tae talk tae us,
The Schule Board o' Kingskettle.
I '11 tell ye hoo it comes tae pass—
The facts are easy stated :
They tak' inspectors frae a class
No richtly eddicated,
An' when the fules inspect oor schules
I '11 swear upon my life, JEAMES,
There 's no a man can \innerstan'
The classic tongue o' Fife, JEAMES.
An' whaur 's the cure ? The thing tae
dae
Tae pit them on their mettle
Wad be tae raise inspectors tae
The staundard o' Kingskettle ;
But eh ! I fear frae what I hear
Thae fouk in Lunnon toun, JEAMES,
Are bent the noo on findin' hoo
Tae eddicate us doun, JEAMES.
For hae ye heard their latest plan ?
I canna weel believe it —
Deil tak' the impidence o' man
That ever daured conceive it !
They 're sendin' doun a Southron loon
Frae far across the border
Tae lairn us hoo tae shape oor mou'
An' set oor tongue in order.
Noo hoo could ony man expec'
We 'd thole thae Angliceesms
An' lairn a furrin' deealec'
0' crude proveencialeesms ?
Tae think a fule frae Liverpool
Should undertak' tae settle
The kind o' way we oucht tae say
Oor wordies in Kingskettle !
MOTTO FOR DENTIST. — Facile Forceps.
STILL ANOTHER CASE OF PRE-
COGNITION.
DEAR MR. PUNCH, — I don't qiiite know
what this precognition means that every-
body is talking about, but I believe
I experienced a marvellous instance of
the mysterious sensation just now when
I happened to be saying goodbye in the
hall to Mr. ED\VIN JONES, to whom I had
at that moment become engaged. With-
out warning he took me in his arms, and
it was then, Mr. Punch, that there flashed
across me the weird intuition that I had
been there before. Of course I did not
tell hhn so. Yours ever, A.
P.S. — Men are so like one another,
aren't thev ?
MARCII 2, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
159
THINGS THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN BETTER EXPRESSED.
Captain Katcney (at a Mi-Car£me fancy dress ball, perfectly satisfied that he is saying a happy thing and paying a r-ery great
.pliment). " WELL, you DO LOOK DELIGHTFUL! FASCISATINO ! Too CUARSIWU KOB WOHDS! WHAT AN AWFUL PITY IT is YOU ARE NOT "ALWAYS
eom;
LIKE THAT!"
160
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 2, 1904.
GOLF AND GOOD FORM.
(By the Expert TFHnfeZer.)
IB it good form to golf ? That is a
question I have been so repeatedly
asked of late by correspondents that
I can no longer postpone my answer.
Now to begin with, I fear there is no
doubt that golf is a little on the down
grade — socially. Golf is no longer the
monopoly of the best set, and I am
told that artisans' Clubs have actually
been started in certain districts. The
other day, as I was travelling in Lanca-
shire, a man in the same compartment —
with the most shockingly ill-cut trousers
I ever saw — said to a friend, "I like
'Oylake, it's 'ealthy, and it's 'andy and
within 'ail of "ome." And it turned
out that the chief attraction to him at
Hoylake was the golf. Such an incident
as this speaks volumes. But I always
try to see both sides of every question,
and there is unquestionably a great deal
to be said in favour of golf. It was un-
doubtedly played by Kings in the past,
and at the present moment is patronised
by Grand Dukes, Dukes, Peers and
Premiers.
GOLF AND DRESS.
But the real and abiding attraction
of golf is that it mercifully gives more
opportunities to the dressy man than
any other pastime. Football and
cricket reduce every one to a dead level
in dress, but in golf there is any
amount of scope for individuality in
costume. Take the case of colour alone.
The other day at Finsbury Park station
I met a friend on his way home from
a day's golfing, and I noticed that he
was sporting the colours of no fewer
than five different Clubs. On his cap
was the badge of the Camberwell
Crusaders : his tie proved his member-
ship of the Bickley Authentics : his
bkzer was that of the Tulse Hill Non-
lescripts; his brass waistcoat buttons
bore the monogram of the Gipsy Hill
Zingari ; the roll of his knickerbocker
stockings was embroidered with the
crest of the Kilburn Incogs. The effect
of the whole was, if I may be allowed
the word, spicy in the extreme. Of
course it is not everyone who can carry
off such a combination, or who can
afford to belong to so many first-class
Dlubs. But my friend is a very hand-
some man, and has a handicap of plus
two at Tooting Bee.
KNICKERBOCKER OR TROUSERS.
The burning question which divides
golfers into two hostile camps is the
choice between knickerbockers and trou-
sers. Personally I favour the latter,
but it is only right to explain that ever
since I was gaffed in the leg by my
friend Viscount - - when out cub-
sticking with the Cottesmore I have
never donned knickers again. To a
man with a really well-turned calf and
neat ankles I should say, wear knicker-
bockers whenever you get a chance.
The late Lord SEPTIMUS BOULGER, who
had very thick legs, and calves that
seemed to begin just above the ankles,
used to wear knickerbockers because he
said it put his opponent off his play.
If I may say so without offence he was
a real funny chap, though a careless
dresser, and I am told that his father,
QUOTATIONS GONE WRONG.
" LIFE HAS PASSED
WITH HE BUT ROUGHLY SINCE I HEARD THEE LAST.'
Coicper.
old Lord SPALDINO, has never been the
same man since his death.
STOCKINGS AND CALVES.
Another advantage of knickerbockers
is the scope they afford for the display
of stylish stockings. A very good effect
is produced by having a little red tuft,
which should appear tinder the roll
which surmounts the calf. The roll
itself, which should always have a
smart pattern, is very useful in convey-
ing the impression that the calf is more
fully developed than it really is. I
noticed the other day at Hanger Hill
that Sir ARLINGTON BALL was playing
in a pair of very full knickers,
almost of the Dutch cut, and that his
stockings- -of a plain brown colour —
had no roll such as I have described.
Then of course Sir ARLINGTON has an
exceptionally well - modelled calf, and
when in addition a man has £30,000 a
year he may be allowed a certain latitude
in his dress and his conduct generally.
BOOTS AND SHOES.
The question of footwear at golf is
one of considerable difficulty, but there
is a general feeling in favour of shoes
My friend the Tooting Bee plusser affects
a very showy sort of shoe with a wide
welt and a sort of fringe of narrow
strips of porpoise hide, which fall over
the instep in a miniature cataract.
As regards the rival merits of india
rubber studs on the soles and of nails,
I compromise by a judicious mixture of
both. If a waistcoat be worn it should
be of the brightest possible colour.
saw Lord DUXCHINQ the other day at
Wimbledon Park in a charming waist-
coat. The groundwork was a rich
spinach green with discs of Pompeian
red, and the buttons were of brass with
his monogram in blue and white enamel
in the centre. As it was a cold day he
wore a mustard-coloured Harris tweed
Norfolk jacket and a sealskin cap. Quite
a large crowd followed him, and I heard
afterwards that he had raised the record
for the links to 193.
QUALIFICATIONS FOE A VALET.
One thing is certain — and that is we
cannot all be first-class players. Per-
sonally, owing to the accident I have
already referred to, I hardly ever play
at all, but I always make it a point, if
I am going on a visit to any place in
the country where I know there are no
golf links, to take a few niblicks with
me. A bag for clubs only costs a few
shillings, and it looks well amongst yoiir
other paraphernalia on a journey. In
engaging a valet, again, always remem-
ber to ascertain whether he knows the
rules of the "royal and ancient game."
I shall never forget my humiliation when
down at Lord SPRINGVALE'S. As I was
taking part in a foursome with the
Hon. AGRIPPA BRAMBLE, Lady HORACE
HILTON, and the Second Mrs. BUNKERAY,
I got stuck in a furze-bush and my man
handed me a putter. I could have
cried with vexation.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
CAVENDISH, CHATSWORTH. — As to the
treatment of divots different methods
are recommended by different authori-
ties. My plan, and "l am not aware of
a better, is to put them in my pocket
when the caddie is not looking. When
thoroughly dried they form an excellent
peat for burning, or can be used for
bedding out rhododendrons.
" NIL DESPERANDUM," BECKENHAM.— The
MARCH 2, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
161
best stimulant during match play is a
beaten-up egg in a claret glass of sloe gin.
The eggs are best carried in the pocket
of your club-bag.
A. FLUBB, WOKING. --No, it is not good
form to pay your caddie in stamps.
ALCIIUADKS, WEMHLKY PARK.- If you
must play golf on Sunday, I call it
nothing short of hypocritical to go down
to the links in a tall hat.
JOURNALISM IN TABLOIDS.
A UNIQUE OFFER!
THE DAILY TIPSTER.
Ready April 1st.
The Smallest Daily Paper in the World, j
at the Largest Price !
COMPARE THESE STATEMENTS :
Your daily paper now costs you a
halfpenny, and would take the best
part of a week if you wanted to
read it through.
THE DAILY TIPSTER will cost you
Sixty Times that Sum,
And you will be able to read it
from end to end in two minutes.
WHY do we ask more and offer less
than any other daily paper ?
BECAUSE we know that you do not
want cheap journalism ;
YOU WANT NEWS.
BUT you want it in the least possible
time.
This is a necessity.
And you are willing to pay for it.
Therefore, THE DAILY TIPSTER will con-
sist only of
Four Specially Wired Paragraphs,
one on Sport, one on Politics, one on
War, and one on the Money Market, and
will be issued at
Half-a-Crown.
WE AIIE NOT ICONOCLASTS.
Recognising that some sections of the
Public are conservative and suspicious
of innovations, we are prepared to
Institute our Reforms Gradually.
With this object we make an exceptional
offer to those who may still prefer to
have their news served in bulk. At the
end of each section of THE DAILY TIPSTER
will be found a coupon, which will entitle
the bearer, on payment of sixpence, to
admission to News Rooms situated in
various parts of the Universe. These
rooms will be fitted with gramophones,
which will deliver
Elaborate Versions of the Telegrams
published in the particular section from
MISPLACED SYMPATHY.
(Tlie " Boots " at the Shadow of Death Hotel, in the back block of Australia, on seeing a pair
of boot-trees for the firat time.)
" I SAT, BILLY, THAT POOB BLOKE IN THE BED-BOOM MUST 'AVE 'AD A TEBBIBLE ACCIDENT. HE 's
GOT TWO WOODEN FEET ! "
which the coupon is taken. The elabo-
rations will be the work of skilled jour-
nalists, and are guaranteed to give every
satisfaction.
ORDER EARLY.
In a month or two the price may be
A Sovereign.
HOME, SWEET HOME!
(An American writer, Mrs. STETSou-GiuuN,
has published a book entitled The Home, in
which she argues that a nation which forces
its women to concentrate their minds on food
is doomed ; and that we must therefore cease
to eat at home and to entertain, and dispense
with cooking-pots, if we would achieve any-
thing.)
UP, up, revolting daughters ! What !
Are ye content that life
Should be a thing of pan and pot,
A round of fork and knife ?
Are ye content, 0 slaves, to bear
With furrowed brow and thinning hair
The drudgery of household care,
The burden of the wife ?
Up, sisters, up ! The fault's your own
If many a wasted span
Is spent slave-driving greasy JOAN
And idle MARY Am*.
Why meditate through half the night
New dishes, succulent and light,
To tempt the pampered appetite
Of over-eaten man ?
No ! Let him feed, if feed he must,
Upon the mid-day steak,
So that at eve some simple crust
Sufficient meal may make ;
And he no doubt in time will learn
To eye with joy on his return
The simple tea-pot, caddy, urn,
And slice of seedy cake.
Thus, too, your sons shall come to view
All gluttony with scorn ;
Indulgence shall be held taboo,
And luxury forsworn ;
Nor shall a race be bred to vex
Our much-abused, long-suffering sex,
And with their greedy wants perplex
Girl-babies yet unborn.
Why entertain ? Or if you care
To see vour friends at all,
Why not let every street and square
Have its reception hall ?
A simple room which one can sluice
With disinf octants after use,
With floor of stone or well-scrubbed
spruce
And tiles upon the wall.
Then up, my sisters ! Only think —
To be forever free
From kitchen, pantry, larder, sink —
Eternal drudgery !
Pack all our cares to Jericho,
And how serenely life will flow !
Sans all that makes home home-like, 0
How home-like home will be !
—
162
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 2, 1904.
AN IMPERIAL POLICY.
THAT the role of Euy Bias, the hero of VICTOR HUGO'S
romantic melodrama, should have attracted Mr. LEWIS WALLER,
as aforetime it attracted FECHTER, is quite in the nature of
things ; but it is a pity that Mr. WALLER should not have been
contented with the old play, which, cut and polished up,
might have proved a gem of some value.
At the Imperial Theatre the scenic artists, Messrs. BANKS,
HICKS and CRAVEN, have done their best for Mr. JOIIN DAVID-
SON'S version of Buy Bias entitled A Queen's Eomanee. It
would have been better for the action had some little licence
in the matter of dress been permitted to Mrs. PATRICK
CAMPBELL as The Queen of Spain, to Miss LYDIA THOMPSON as
the Duchess of Albuquerque, and to many of the ladies of the
Court, who, attired as they now are, can only give such play
to their feelings as extensive hoops and heavy petticoats will
allow. The Queen is a perfect " Court Circular " in herself.
Her devoted Buy Bias may get round her with far greater
facility than he can get at her. It may be that this is why
her imprisoned Majesty, herself under petticoat government,
seems to be so peculiarly bored by the attentions of her
desperate adorer. How delighted would all the Spanish
Court of the Imperial Theatre be even now, if over the doors
were inscribed " All hoops abandon ye who enter heiv ! "
Of such telling situations as this " blank version " offers
to the actor, Mr. LEWIS WALLER makes the most, and in the
last scene of all that closes the tragedy of the lunatic
lacquey's strange career Mr. WALLER puts forth all his
power, touches our hearts, excites our sympathy, and leaves
nothing to be desired, — except that all the previous material
had permitted acting such as this.
Mr. FULTON'S Don Salluste is even more melodramatic than
VICTOR-HUGO-DAVIDSON'S double-dyed stage villain. It is like
Mr. WALDENGARVER'S Hamlet, "massive and coacrete." Mr.
THOMAS KINGSTON is fortunate in being cast for the delightful
role of the always popular Don Cesar de Bazan.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
SIR HORACE PLUKKETT'S work on Ireland (JOHN MURRAY)
is the most valuable contribution to the understanding of
a vital and complex question issued for some time. Long
before he, with suitability of person to post not a prominent
feature in all Ministerial appointments, was placed at the
head of the Irish Agricultural Department, Sir HORACE,
in modest practical manner, grappled with the subject.
He perceived that at the root of the matter was the desira-
bility of agricultural co-operation through voluntary associa-
tions. The gospel he preaches is that Ireland must work
out her own salvation ; at the same time he is not above
recognising the necessity of supplementing voluntary effort
by a sound system of state aid to agriculture and other
industries. Not by agriculture alone is Ireland to be
saved. " The best way to stimulate our industries," writes
Sir HORACE in two of the many wise sentences that illuminate
his book, "is to develop the home market by means of
an increased agricultural production and a higher standard
of comfort among the peasant producers. We shall thus
be operating upon agriculture on the side of consumption
as well as production, and so increasing the home demand
for Irish manufactures." My Baronite, with pretty intimate
knowledge of the history and moulding of the Irish Land
Bill, recognises its founder in the Vice-president of the Irish
Agricultural Board. GEORGE WYKDHAM watered, but HORACE
PLUNKETT planted. His establishment of the Irish Agricul-
tural Organisation Society demonstrated the truth of his
axiom, " Ireland is to be re-created from within. No
body of men at Westminster, though they may help or
hinder, can do the main work."
The Baron begs to acknowledge the fourth edition of the
Hindi Punch, just received from Bombay. Mr. Punch, who
traces his own origin back to prehistoric times when the
Pharaohs and such like moderns were neither born nor thought
of, when all the world was young, as Mr. Punch himself ever
remains, is delighted to find his family so well represented
and so highly popular in India as from this volume of the
Hindi Punch is evidently the case. It is brought right up
to date, and shows clearly how thoroughly The Hind and
Brahmin Punchoda agree, and what useful service, wherever
reform is needed, our Indian cousin is always ready and
willing to render. In some instances he appears to be a
very hot Punch, steaming in fact, but that is a matter of
climate. The Baron tenders congratulations on the present
volume, and, on behalf of Mr. Punch himself, wishes Hindi
Punch continued success in the future.
This fresh edition of Adonais (METIIUEN) is a dainty dish to
lay before any king. It is fresh only in the sense of being
just printed, since it is an exact reprint, page for page, not
omitting the errors, of the edition of 1821 published at Pisa
"with the types of DIDOT." My Baronite reads Adonais
whenever he finds it at hand. In this charming edition,
frocked in pale blue, he finds fresh delight.
What can lie done to help the British Staye was the plaintive
heading of an article by Mr. W. L. COURTNEY in the
Fortnightly Review for last month. The question was em-
phasised not only by quotations from a letter written by
Mr. JOHN HARE to the Times, but also by an excerpt from a
lecture recently delivered by Mr. PISERO ; but the appeal
was scarcely strengthened by a letter from Mr. FREDERICK
HARRISON (not to be confounded with Mr. MAUDE'S partner in
the Haymarket management), whose claim to be regarded as
an authority on theatrical matters has yet to be allowed.
The Baron would be inclined to surmise, in the absence of
any evidence to the contrary, that Mr. HARRISON'S acquaint-
ance with theatrical matters in England is probably limited
to the circumstance, as he has here stated it, of his having
once upon a time written "a piece" (the Baron supposes
he means a play) with, apparently, a purpose. What has
become of this immortal work? The erudite Baron is com-
pelled to confess, with compunction, his entire ignorance of
the very existence of this literary and dramatic treasure. It
may have been published anonymously, as anonymity has
been on one occasion at least, of which the Baron happens to
be cognisant, adopted by the philosophic Mr. FREDERICK
HARRISON. If however by " piece " he did not mean a piny,
what was it, and why was it referred to in this connection ?
The Poet Laureate of course has made his debut under
Mr. TREE'S auspices as a dramatic author, and there are, we
take it, not many playgoers who, having once seen our ALFRED'S
Flodden Field during its not extraordinarily prolonged
run at His Majesty's, are likely to forget it. In the March
number of the Fortnightly there appears a second list
of thirty-seven " signatories " of whom only a dozen names
can fairly be cited as practical
experts. But what is it that THE HH BARON
these worthy " signatories " (we
allude to such names among
them as are not usually associated
with the drama) require ? What-
ever it may be, had not the
entire subject better be left to
experienced professional actors,
with Sir HENRY IRVING as their
president, who thoroughly know
the public, and will be univer-
sally recognised as authorities in ni_,
such a matter ?
MARCH 0. 1904.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
103
GETTING OVER THE DIFFICULTY.
Noel (who has painted a cow in blue). " I DON'T NEVER 'MEMBER SEEING A BLUE Cow."
Elsie. " NEVER MIND. LET 's SAT THE Cow 'g COI.D."
WAR CORRESPONDENCE.
Berlin. — In giving audience to tlie Ban
of CROATIA to-day the Emperor WILLIAM
observed, with reference to the war in
the Far East, that the nation which
secured tln> command of sea and land
would ultimately win.
Tokio. — The Vladivostok squadron
of the Russian fleet is frozen up. Ac-
cording to an unsubstantiated rumour a
desperate charge of Japanese cavalry on
the Russian cruisers was beaten back
l>y machine-gun fire. An armoured ice-
train was brought into requisition for
tin' journey there and back.
Xit<jiiK,il;i. The Russian squadron
from Vladivostok attempted to bom-
bard Hakodate to-day. The squadron
was annihilated by sunken mines, and
after firing on an inoffensive merchant
steamer, steamed slowly away in the
direction of — (name suppressed by
Censor).
Ghifu. — Last night the new Admiral
tested the defences of Port Arthur. The
Russian torpedo flotilla was sent out of
harbour and instructed to make a sur-
prise attack on the port. Owing' to a
misapprehension the fire from the forts
destroyed the flotilla. The Admiral,
who expressed himself highly gratified
at the fine marksmanship displayed by
the Russian artillery-, was subsequently
blown up — by the CZAR.
Seoul. — It is reported that the Korean
EMPKUOU has ordered the mobilisation of
the First (Bow and Arrow) Brigade of
Infantry. The Russian Consul, appeal-
ing to the neutrality laws, has protested
against the command of the Brigade
being given to the correspondent of the
Daily Mai— (rest of name suppressed by
Censor).
Yokohama. — Captain FuyOBS, of s.s.
Perseus, who arrived here to-day, reports
a curious occurrence in the Yellow Sea.
A large serpent-like creature, eighty feet
long, with fins on either side and a
mane, raised itself from the sea and
gazed steadily at his vessel. Captain
FLINDERS is under the impression that it
was the sea-serpent. (Ei>. NOTE. — A
submarine is here indicated ; the
presence of the sea-serpent in the time
of marine warfare being unprecedented.)
PATRIOTIC- SONG TOH THE TAJIIFF Cou-
MISSIOX. - - " For England, Home and
Booty ! "
164
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 9, 1904.
THE DECLINE AND FALL-OFF.
AMONG traditions which explain
Our wonted lordship o'er the waves,
And why we steadily disdain
The bare idea of being slaves,
There is a dictum, taught, no doubt,
Upon the playing-fields of Eton,
That Britain's sons are born without
The gift of knowing when they 're beaten.
Whether it ought to be ascribed
To qualities of heart or head—
This virtue which we see imbibed
By every bull-pup nicely bred —
Who knows ? It may be simply beans
Or due to mental limitations
Imposed by Providential means
On insular imaginations.
I must regrettably omit
To trace the ethnologic germ
Of that hereditary grit
Which keeps the country's bulwarks firm ;
Suffice to note, this racial trait
That won us our superb position
Shows signs of comatose decay
In certain types of politician.
Not theirs to fight forlornly on,
Filling the gaps where comrades fall,
And last, with ammunition gone,
To leave their bodies by the wall ;
They recognise long months ahead
In what direction things are drifting,
And while their Captain counts his dead
Secure an early chance of shifting.
Let THOMAS ATKINS, blind with pluck,
Firmly decline to own defeat ;
These warriors scent a lapse of luck
Almost before the armies meet.
Let JACK at sea, good simple soul,
With riddled pumps sublimely wrestle ;
These tars assume the softer role
Of rats that leave a sinking vessel.
" Tall talk," you say, " and vainly spent ;
Heroics hardly meet the case
Of such as look on Parliament
As just a pleasant lounging-place —
A club, with stiffish entrance-fee,
But social standard lightly lenient,
Where men may saunter in to tea
And vote at leisure, if convenient.
" It little moves them how the State
Emerges from the strife of tongues,
If they can once negotiate
Society's initial rungs ;
Though Tory fortunes rudely swerve,
Still in provincial vales of Tempe
These heroes, flushed with Attic verve,
At worst can sign themselves ex-M.P."
That is their point of view, you say.
But was the House, through which they flit,
Constructed, like the Sabbath day,
Largely for them, or they for it ?
This common type, I hold, "exists
For single ends, of which the sum is
To swell their party's voting lists
As loyal unassuming dummies." 0. S.
A LETTER OF CONDOLENCE.
(Fragment of the diary of Mam'ie Harding, typewriter to a Man
of (Jen'nis.)
Feb 5 —I put on his table this morning a personal letter
I opened bv mistake. It said, among other things : "So
poor TOM JACKSON'S lost his wife. The baby did not hye
either I 'm told." When he came in he read as far as this.
Then 'he said, sadly: "You mav go, Miss HARDING; I shall
| not dictate any poetry to-day. For me there is a mournful,
beneficent, gracious task."
Feb. 6. — His room was in disorder this morning. Heaps
of torn paper lay on the table, on the floor, everywhere. He
looked noble when he came in. "These little papers," he
said, with such a wave of his hand, "are to be counted
among my failures. But I have achieved it — a letter of con-
dolence, as the world says, to poor JACKSON." I said some-
; thing about giving up to one person the talent meant for the
world. He answered: "Little girl, little girl, how shall I
make you understand ? To JACKSON his grief is not precious.
To him his loss is an unlovely thing, merely hard to bear.
My duty is to send him words which, though he regards them
not now, nor at all perceives their savour, shall in after years
be taken to the light, like glowing gems from their case ;
when JACKSON, rereading them, shall realise that death, even
death, is susceptible of a treatment essentially decorative."
Taking a bit of manuscript from his pocket, he added :
"As for the world, my biographers may fight for this copy."
He leaned against the mantelpiece, his head resting on his
hand, and read aloud : " In the presence of such misery us
yours no words of mine, with however true a sympathy they
are spoken, can sound aught save a discord in your ears.
You loved ELINOR: you have lost her. Faint indeed, my
friend, faint and fading, thin and distant echoes of a grief
that smites and slays, will be anything that I can add. To
the tones of my answering sorrow you can give no more heed
than the traveller, stricken by the swift irrevocable bolt of
the gods, pays to the reverberations of that flash which
brought him suddenly to the end of things." He sighed
a little, shook his head, and said two or three times : " Death
itself, to the artist, may be an occasion for tender arabesques."
It was hard, but I did it. I said, of course in my refined
way : " Yes, it 's a very pretty .piece " — he shuddered a little,
I don't know why — " but I don't quite understand. How
could a man who 'd been killed by lightning pay attention to
the thunder, even if he wanted to? "
As soon as he caught the idea he dashed off this wire :
"THOMAS JACKSON, The Parentage, Little Hitching, Sturton
Sowley, Salop. Confidential letter intended for another
mailed you by mistake. Please return unopened. Sincerest
sympathy. Will write. — WARWICK PAPRICOT." For the rest of
the day he was inattentive and melancholy.
Feb. 8. — I was the witness of a distressing scene this
morning. He was dictating a poem, a really superior one,
in praise of common persons, and had just intoned the line,
"Glory of SMITH in the morning, and glory of JONES at night,"
when there was a noise in the passage, and a young man
tumbled into the room — a sort of Squire, I expect, with an
out-of-door skin, and jolly eyes. He pounded Mr. PAPRICOT
on the back. Mr. PAPRICOT looked dignified, and said, " But,
my poor JACKSON, how ? "
But Mr. JACKSON wouldn't let him finish. " I say ! I say ! "
he shouted. " Great, isn't it ? Sorry, old man, but I opened
your letter — came before the wire. Rattling good letter — you
must have worked uncommon hard. But KELLY 's not dead.
Doing fine ! Twins ! All three well." And he poked Mr.
PAPRICOT in the ribs.
After he went Mr. PAPRICOT gave me a half-holiday. The
well of genius, he said, had been poisoned or defiled, I forget
which.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON' CHARIVARI. MARCH 9, 1904.
•^ -r,
NE 'PLUM' ULTRA.
BRITISH LION. " THINK WE 'VE HAD MOST OF THE LUCK ! "
,IAH KAXGAHDO. " NOT MORE THAN YOU DESERVED ! "
MARCH 0, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
167
ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.
Tramp Photographer. "Now, SIR, JUST AS YOU ABE FOR A SHIM IN'!"
[And little Binlts, iclio prides himself upon his motor driving, is trying his best to get his wife to promise not to tell anyone about llie smtish.]
A "FIRST NIGHT" SUPPER.
SCENE — A Corridor in the Hotel Magnifique. TIME — About
11.30 P.M. SYDNEY SHELCASTLE, a diffident young Drama-
tist whose first Comedy, "Facing tlie Music," has been
produced that evening at the Jollity Theatre, is discovered
in the act of giving his hat and coat to an attendant.
Sydney Shelcastle. Er — Mr. BERKELEY CARLTON expects me.
I believe he lias a supper-party here ?
Attendant. Quite correct, Sir. Straight down the corridor
and third door on the left.
Syd. Shel. (to himself). Almost wish I 'd gone to the
Jollity first. (As he reaches door of private supper-room)
However, I shall soon know now !
[lie pulls himself together and enters ; the only persons in
the room as yet are his liost, BERKELEY CARLTON, the \
popular Actor-Manager ; HORSLEY COLLARD, who plai/.<:
the chief character-part in his piece; and SPRATT-J
WHALEY, tlie lessee of the Jollity. The first tun greet
his arrival with a heartiness wliich strikes him as
overdone.
Syd. Shel. Well ? Did it— did it go off all right ?
Berkeley Garlton (raising his eyebrowt). "Did it go off all
right ? " Why — weren't you in front ?
Syd. Slid, (embarrassed). WTell — a — no. I didn't feel quite
equal to it. (Watching their faces) I hope it wasn't ?
llorsley Collard (with a glance at CARLTON which does not
escape the Dramatist). Haven't you heard anything?
Syd. Shel. Not a word. I — I haven't met anybody who
could tell me. I came straight here.
Berk. Carlt. Been strollin' up and down the Embankment
to pass the time, eh ?
Syd. Shel. No — as a matter of fact I went to the Hippodrome.
Berk. Carlt. Did you, though ? What did you think of
the show ?
Syd. Shel. Capital ! That is, I didn't pay much attention
to it — wondering all the time how Facing the Music was
getting on.
Berk. Carlt. Ah ? Glad you gave us a thought now and
then. I say, HORSLEY, know whether ANGELA DAVEXTRY means
to turn up ?
Hors. Coll. Can't say. She may be feeling too upset.
Perhaps I 'd better go and see where the others are. (To
BERKELEY CARLTON, in a too audible undertone) 1 '11 leave you
to break it to the poor chap while I 'in gone. [He goes out.
Berk. Carlt. Well, SHELCASTLE, you seem to have spent a
pleasant evenin' anyhow. Always amusin' beggars, elephants.
And these plunge, don't they? By the way, you don't know
SPRATT-WHALEY. (He introduces them.) He's just been telliu'
us all about his new motor-car.
[The unhappy Playivright strives to affect an interest in
automobiles, while wishing that CARLTON would not be so
confoundedly tactful — until HORSLEY .COLLAUD returns
with the other invited members of the Company, 'wlwlare
obviously putting considerable restraint on themselves.
Miss Angela Daventry (the extremely charming and sympa-
168
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[[MARCH 9, 1904*
thetic actress who impersonates S.'s lieroine.) Good evening,
Mr. SHELCASTLE. I hear you didn't patronise our poor little
efforts to-night. Oh, we quite, understood. And we all
think it so wise of you. (She approaches the fireplace.) Br-r-r!
lun't it cold ! I 'm sure there 's a frost to-night !
.Minx Daisy Archbutl (engaged for the light comedy part).
Oil, my dear! For gixidness sake don't mention frosts!
Before poor dear ilr. SHKLCASTLIC, too !
Blundell-Foottct (whose forte in Society idiots). I say, you
know. Now you have done it ! If you hadn't said that,
Mr. SIIELCASTLE wouldn't have been any the wiser — lie wasn't
there.
Mrs. Chesterfield Manners (tJie Dowager in S.'s play). I'm
Berk. Carlt. We shall know before we 're much older. Old
BILL BURLEIGH can't say much, anyhow, for he bolted in the
middle of the Second Act. But JACK HALL came round after-
wards and said there could only be one opinion about the
piece. Didn't like to ask him what.
Miss Dav. (impulsively). Haven't you rubbed it in quite
j enough ? Mr. SIIELCASTLE, you mustn't mind them !
Berk. Carlt. My dear child, he don't. It 's nothing to him.
j Why, he didn't even care enough to come and see us.
Preferred the perfonnin' elephants !
Mrs. Chest. Man. And I 've no doubt he found them far
more graceful and accomplished comedians.
Syd. Shel. I — I assure you you 're mistaken. I wasn't
afraid it must have been an effort for you to give us the j indifferent. I knew I couldn't have a better cast and that
pleasure of seeing you at all this evening, Mr. SIIELCASTLE — j you 'd all do your very best for me. It was the piece that
under the circumstances ! was all wrong. I saw that at the last Dress Rehearsal. And
Syd. Shel. Well, you see, Mrs. MANNERS, when I came here — well, I 'm afraid I funked the first night. I 'm awfully
1 hadn't heard— in fact, 1 don't know anything definite J sorry it 's come to grief — for your sakes as well as my own.
I suppose I ought to have known I couldn't write a play.
even lion- though I — I gather
Horsley Collard (compassionately). Now, my dear old chap,
do take a tip from me. Don't you spoilfyour supper by trying
(He rises.) And now I must ask you to excuse me. I — I '
got to go home and pack.
ve
to gather any more. Be jolly while you may !
Angela Dav. But you will spoil his supper,
to keep him in suspense like this !
Berk. Carlt. Don't fuss, dear. You leave it to us. He '11
find out quite soon enough — and now let rs have supper. j knew it was perfectly piggish"of"us.
[Tlicy sit down. ! might have been there, you know !
I 'm going away early to-
morrow, for — for a little holiday. I may be away some
It isn't fair ' years. \Reaction, followed by general applause.
Angela. Now I icill speak ! Dear Mr. SHELCASTLE, don't
you see? We've been taking you in all this time. Oh, I
Only we did think you
Syd. Sltel. (who is seated next to IDAISY ARCHBUTT). You
might just tell me this, Miss ARCHBUTT — was there — was
there much of a row ?
Daisy (ic'ith a giggle). I — I really shouldn't like to say,
Mr. SHELCASTI.E. But in the last Act you might have fancied
Shel. I — don't understand. You don't mean that the
piece wasn't such an absolute failure after all ?
Berk. Carlt. Considerin' we were all called five times after
every Act, and I had to make a speech and explain that the
Author was not in the house at the end, I shouldn't describe
it myself as a howling frost precisely.
Daisy. Why, they simply roared all through ! I was only
all
by
you were in Church — so much coughing, you know !
[FooTTET guffaws suddenly.
Syd. Shel. I was always afraid of that last Act. But— it ! chipping you about* the coughing
didn't aZi drag eh? Blund. 'Foot. And that Johnnie in the brown bowler
Hors LoLl. JSot while 7 was on, old man. I took care of spoof, you know. Jove! I nearly gave the show awa^
that. I hate gagging as a general rule— inartistic, 7 call it. > smiling like a silly ass once or tw'ice !
But I simply had to bring in a wheeze now and then-just j Hors. Coll. I 'd no need to gag, my boy. Got my laudis
to keep the Gallery quiet. | all right without that !
Syd. Shel (with a pale smile). I can quite imagine it-a- Berk. Carlt. And I don't think there '11 be much to alter
would have that effect. Still, if you don't mind, COLLARD, I , to-morrow. Every scene seemed to m
lskJ>T°u *° 8tlck to the originaljines, for the future. Whal Spratt. The Box Offices have' come forward in style.
re
Hors. Coll. Certainly, dear boy. It will be quite a relief
not to have to be funny !
Angela (indignantly). HORSLEY !
Berk. Carlt. Ah, well — there 's this
night house isn't like any other.
£^iFCSSe, *-i«*iU &<S£&g£^g°s&s* •
._«,mg the p«ce catch on yet, SHM.STLE, if w, c,,, onl, ! &,t C ,,,fc°0t course you dicTofi bo™ Phy "K, e,,,
'e shall want three extra rows of stalls.
Syd. Shel. (sitting down heavily). Look here— you— you
How can you ? not pulling my leg again, are you ?
Angela Indeed we 're not ! And you must try to forgive
us'ior doing it at all. Say you do !
' thougL
to be said : a first-
see our way between us to cutting, say, about a third of each
Act. [Another guffaw from FOOTTET.
Bwd. tihel. You may do what you like with it, CARLTOH—
but I m hanged if 7 touch the beastly thing again !
Angela (aside). BERKELEY ! Do stop it ! Only look at his
face, poor little thing !
Berk. Carlt. (aside to her). Nonsense, dear, he 's all right !
(Aloud) Well, it must take its chance as it is, then After
all, it might have had a worse reception. If they did boo a | haven't had a mouthful 'yet"
. ill-naturedly. Anythin' amusin' you,
*
. Carlt. (pressing Jdm back into his chair). Now just
'ou try and manage a little food first, old fellow V™
You've lots of time to write
e wanting it for anot herein-fat
«£j £5 S£ gSMWtssse ! . »rS=-sir - .-* *> *-» M
Berk Carlt. Oh, ah, the beggar in the brown bowler He
tra. rather nasty at times I fl have had him chucked; only
« Gallery all seemed to be with him. Still, I distinctly saw
some of the stalls applaud in' when it was all over
Whaley-Sfn-att. What will the critics say to-morrow
boy, that 's the question !
n an mae
he was hungrier than he imagined.
p. A.
my
MARCH 9, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
169
Tin-: newspaper which declared that
thriv were forty war correspondents lying
used an unfortunate
idle at Tokio
expression.
CHARIVARIA.
An article on Sleeplessness declares
dial a simple way of banishing insomnia
is In stare at one's reflection in a mirror.
That Lord KOSK-
HKIIY affects Harris
t \\eeds is well-
known. .Mr. Bl!oi>-
ItK'K has now an-
nounced his inten-
tion of wearing an
Empire-grown cot-
ton shirt. " I under-
take to put my back
into it," he de-
clared, amid cheers,
to a deputation on
I he subject of
British cotton.
An inmate of the
Blackburn Work-
house has just dice I
at the age of. 105.
It is stated that he
was always a smoker
and a non-teetotaler.
In some circles,
therefore, his death
will occasion no
surprise.
All of us felt the
sudden cold snap
more or less last
week, and a Passive
Kesister at Bromley
asked to be sent to
the stake.
"A West -End
Clairvoyant " has
disclosed to nDtiilfi
Mail representative
the, rema i n i n g
events of the war.
" The claims of the
Clairvoyant in
question," said the
Diiil;/ Mail, "can
be tested by cutting
out this article, and
noting, as events
transpire, ihe cor-
rectness or other-
wise of his bold
predictions." That
is KX
According to the
always attractive subject of "Sin,'1
Bishop MACKAY-SMITH declared that the
working poor are happier than the
~ rich. He might
have added that
they are al>o more
unselfish, for many
of them would lie
willing to change
places with their
less happy brethren.
"According to
German statistic-.''
says a contempo-
rary, "there are
135,900,000 cows
spread over nine
European coun-
tries." Motor-cars
again, we suppose.
The Authors'
Club thinks there
are too many
authors. The
members have just
entertained Lord
Justice MATHEW,
who has never
written a book, and
their next guest is
to be General
FRENCH. This idea
of giving dinners
as prizes to persons
who do not write
books strikes us as
being admirable.
Had we only known
earlier !
PLAYING DOWN
HIM.
Young couple (who expect the v^sit of a very miserly relative, from whom they Jiave expectation*)
are clearing the room of every sign of luxury.
Wife (earnestly). " WE Mi'ST DO ALL WE CAN TO MAKE UNCI.E FEEI, AT HOME."
Husband (caustically). "THEN WE HAD BETTER LET THE FIRE OCT."
The report that
the oldest man in
the United States
is dead is not true.
We are informed
that the oldest man
in the United
States is alive.
Sometimes the
papers provide
their own Chari-
varia. " Finsbury
people consume a
million and a half
I'.flio ill' L'nrix,
(ieueral Knioi'ATKix has said, "The war
will la.-l. perhaps, eighteen months, but
But surely this, in many cases, leads to j tins of condensed milk yearly — not
nightmare? tons, as has been incorrectly reported,"
It has been officially stated in the said the Daily Mail last week.
all the necessary steps have been taken House of Lords that the object of our
to ensure that none of the Japanese who expedition to Thibet is to establish A contemporary is offering £100 for
may have landed will ever return to amicable relations with that country, "the best Temperance story." We
their country." The Japanese, however, and that, if necessary, we will fight. always think the assertion that there is
deny that they wish lo settle in any no alcohol in ginger-beer is hard to
numbers in the conquered territory. In a sermon at Philadelphia on the i beat.
170
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 9, 1904.
MR. PUNCH'S SYMPOSIA.
XII. — SUOCLD ALL PERIODICALS COST ONLY
A HALFPENNY?
SCENE- Messrs. W. 11, Smith and Sonx'
Headquarter*.
Mr. A. J. Balfour (in the Chair).
The. Editor of the " Quarterly."
The Editor of the. "Nineteenth Century
mid After."
The Editor of the " Eronomixt ."
The Editor of the " Westminster
dnzette."
The Editor of the " Daily Chronicle."
The Editor of tlie " Daily Neirs."
The Editor of the " Daily Mail."
T/ie Editor of the " Daily Ej-^ress."
The Editor of ll/e " Police \eirs."
The Manager of Messrs. W.
H. Smith and Sons.
The Master of the Mint.
Mr.A.J. Balfour. I have
been asked to take the chair
at the interesting debate which
is about to ensue, for the reason
that absolute impartiality
could be found only in one
who never reads the papers.
As I am in that enviable posi-
tion it follows that it is all one
to me whether they cost a
halfpenny or a king's ransom.
So far as I can see', however, a
halfpenny is the prevailing
sum; yet, on my attempting
recently to purchase the Quar-
terly Review at the Brighton
bookstall for that coin, the
boy with some asperity de-
manded five and elevenpence-
halfpenny more.
Editor of the "Quarterly."
The boy was undoubtedly
right. We have, it is true,
of controlling a halfpenny paper than j Editor of the " Quarterly." How would
the gentleman who has just spoken, I the new clientele affect the character of
may say that he has omitted to mention the publications ? Would the Quarterly
one prime factor in the success of such j have to adopt cross-headings?
an undertaking. There must be an Master of the Mint. One aspect of the
article by Mr. Cmo/z.v MONEY. halfpenny revolution which has so far
Editor of the "Police Netcs." Is there escaped attention is the coin itself. We
not a contributor named CHESTEKTON shall have to issue many more to meet
who writes most of the papers now, j the demand,
weekly as well as daily ? Editor of the "Nineteenth Century and
Editor of the " Et'-ownnisl." The re- 1 After." I suppose there is no means of
duction of all periodicals to one half- 1 paying for papers in kind ?
penny would liberate avast amount of Mr. Balfour. You mean half bricks,
money for other purposes.
for example ?
Mr. Balfour. Is the Economist coming j Editor of the "Economist." I am even
down? 1 am informed by Sir JAMES now perfecting a scheme by which to-
day's halfpenny paper can be exchanged
for yesterdays penny paper. For
example, a Telegraph of March '2 would
KXOWLES that it rejoices in the eccentric
valuation of eight pence. 1 cannot re-
member anything ever having cost
eiglitpencc before. IIo\v does one arrive purchase a Chronicle of March o, or a
— i Sporting Times of February '21
might be exchanged for two
Morning leader* of February
29 or a Referee of February
28.
Editor of the " Quarterly."
The scheme seems to be an
admirable one.
Editor of the "Economist."
So I think. My only difficulty
so far has been with Messrs.
W. H. SMITH AXD SONS and
the other newsagents. Pay-
ment might also be made in
comestibles, especially such as
are available at breakfast-time.
It woidd be very convenient,
for instance, to be able to
purchase four Mirrors with
an egg, or to exchange a
sardine for the Mornimj 7W.
It would help to solve the
question what to do with
superfluous breakfast .
Master of the Mint. Anolher
point troubles me. 1 have
MARKS THE MARCH HAHE so MAD?
JOY! BECAf SE IlARK-HI-NTlNd FINISHED FEBRUARY 27.
ascertained that there is no colloquial
term for a halfpenny. The word
"brown" covers both a penny and its
moiety. The word " copper " covers all
bronze.
Editor of the " Police Neics." And it
introduced signed articles, but our enter- at eightpence as a good working figure
prise will go no further just yet, unless for a weekly paper?
to return to anonymity. Editor of the "Economist." Our con-
Editorofthe "Nineteenth Century and temporary, Notes and Queries, is four-
After." Had our gifted Chairman pur- | pence.
chased the Nineteenth Century and A fter Editor of the "Police Neics." And a
he would have been money' in pocket, very good 'paper it is, too. i is also ambiguous owinrr to its further
How much, ] leave to the breakfast- Editor of the "Daily Mail." Still, application to our brave bovs in blue
table mathematicians who read the there is no doubt that a' halfpenny is ! Master of the Mint Will not some
Daily Mail the .unit of the future. ! gentleman suggest a word for the hal f-
I believe that is so; but Editor of the "Dady Chromde," 1 penny, or undertake to start a competi-
the length of the Review s title is pro- wonder how many halfpennies there are tion to that end ?
hibitive. While 1 am asking for it I in £100,000. Editor of the" Daily Express." Would
always miss my tram. Editor of the "Dady Mad." I see no not "ALF" be a good word ? "Lend
Editor of the ''Daily Chronicle." occasion for referring to that particular me an ALF" sounds reasonable enough
My experience is that a halfpenny is i figure. Editor of the "Dab M 1 " O
the only fitting amount to ask for a! Editor of the "Daily Chronicle." It " '
penny paper, lint the edit ing must be merely occurred to me as a good example
done with enterprise and originality, of a round sum.
*"
There must be signed articles, a maga- Messrs. W. H. Smith and Sons' Mana-
" ARTH " ?
Editor of the "Daily Express." I
prefer "ALF." It is not only appro-
zme page, and so forth. Everything ger. Practical
novel and fresh. ; halfpenny unit.
priate, a halfpenny being half (or AI.F)
are against the ] of a penny, but it 'has also an historical
all papers were a significance.
love l anrt iresh. haUpenny unit. If all papers were a significance.
Ld,tor of the DaUuNeus. Speak- halfpenny the bookstalls would be larger Editor of the " Daib, Ma il " Yet think-
ing with a considerably larger experience than the stations. ! nf t],P v.,l,m f ,, •/ ' '' '
, ui uie \ aiue 01 t no word ARTH wnnn
MAIM-II 1), I'.M'H.;
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
171
licnccalciit Old H
' PUUK LITTLE TUIXG !
Is IT HURT ? "
[But it teas only the week's washing.
the time oame to sell a cricket edition.
Cricket and tin- " AiiTir" !
Editor of the •'/•><»/(>/» i.v/." Is there any
objection tn callinga ha'penny a "hape"?
i'.d'iinr <>i the " X'uii'ii-ciiili Century and
After." None; except, that £500 is
known as a monkey.
Editor of the " Economist." True. I
see your point.
.\li: linl/oui: AY hat then do we decide?
Are all periodicals to lie a halfpenny?
Hdiiorof Hi,- " \\','xlii,iiiKlcr Cazctte."
Personally I don't care to come down to
a halfpenny. As it is, we give away a
bit of GOU.D almost every evening for a
penny. That ought to be concession
enough. [Stampede.
1 \iroKi\\ i A\\oi v I:\IKNT.— March 17 :
First Night of an entirely New Moon.
The curtain will rise at fi..'1'.l A.M.
precisely. \\hen all persons are earnestly
reijuested to he in their
TEMPERATE ORGIES.
(\\rilten to oblige a dislinguisltcd jrrelate, who
recently asked for a spirited drinking-song
for the use of teetotallers.)
BRING me, boy, a lusty jorum,
Filtered from the local Main,
Let me drink, and drown decorum ;
Let me sing, and banish pain ;
Fill the cup, and every sip '11
Bid the cares of being go ;
Tell me, who can find a tipple
To compare with H^O ?
Fools are they that squander life on
Gallic Grape or British Hop ; —
Mountain Dew with gassy Syphon —
•I uniper with Ginger-pop ;
Watch them, swollen, pale, dishevelled ;
Slam the door and see them jump !
Better far that they had revelled
On the boiled and filtered Pump !
Mine shall be a full libation
From the constant Town Supply,
Void of consequent inflation,
Aching head and rheumy eye !
Keep the pot a-boiling, laddie ;
Let the jolly filter flow ;
Those that like can use the caddy,
1 shall stick to H-0. DuM-Duif.
Light on the Fourth Test Match.
THE cricket-loving public can hardly
be too grateful for the way in which our
Home Commentators have illuminated
the crude and obscure statements of the
reporter on the spot. " Had HAYWAIW,"
says the P. M. G., "been dismissed earlier
the Englishmen would not be so well off
as thev are."
THE YELLOW FKRIL.-
the pavement.
-Orange-peel on
172
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[MARCH 9, 1904.
ITS LATEST APPLICATION.
Man in the Street. "'Ui.Lo, MATE, 'I:NTIN' FOH r.ooi) OLD 'InnEN TREASURE?"
KkiUed Workmnn (examining electric connection). "XoT us! I'M A WATCHIN' THE BI.OMMIN' TEST MATCH.'
NAE BOOT.
Noo, Scots wha liae wi' WULLIE bled, and a' ye Southrons, too,
The foe is here, the battle 's near ; it 's time to daur and do !
Set a' your ranks in order, men, and gar your captains stand
Prepared to lead the stormy charge that brings you hand to hand .
See, BANXERMAN has grasped his spear, and FOWLER shakes
his blade,
And ASQUITH wi' his banners oot is mairchin' to their aid ;
And pawky little CHURCHILL 's fiingin' deevots in the van —
But whaur's the Errl o' KOSEBERY, that well-loved fechtin' man?
He 's got a League, a braw young League, of clansmen true
and leal ;
They 've bound themsel' wi' mony a vow to serve their
chieftain weel ;
And noo the battle 's lowerin' near they ca' him by his name,
" AIRCHIE, come oot" ; "I'll no'," says he, and so he sits at
home.
" Come oot, for JOSEPH'S gaed awa to Egypt's sandy links :
Aiblins he 's climbing Pyramids or speering at the Sphinx.
Come oot," they cry, " Errl ROSEBERY ; it isna very rasli ;
Come oot and join the bonny dance, and gie them a' a bash.
" Oor foes, they canna thole oor charge ; they 're looking sair
and black,
For each lias got a Chinaman tight claspit on his back :
They bits o' doited loons and a' we '11 pit them soon to root ;
Come, AIRCIIIE, gie 's your hand, my man," — but AIRCHIE says,
" I doot."
"Come, AIRCHIE, come," they cry to him, " if somewhere ye
maun bide,
Oor taibernaicle 's grand eneugh : its doors are open wide ;
Ye '11 see nae man that 's no' your freend, if ye '11 but tak'
your place."
Says he, " I fear there 's someone there that canna thole my
face."
And so he bides and speers and doots and canna fix his mind ;
And while his freends are richt in front the Errl is left
behind.
" What ails ye wi' the battle, man ? " he hears his comrades
cry, "
But a' he says to them is this : — " I '11 tell ye by and by."
" THE MERMAID SOCIETY."— This sounds a kind of very Odd
Fellow Association, for surely there must be one Merman,
a mere man among so many Mermaidens. No matter for
the sound, or the apparently fishy associations suggested by
the name.it is a Society whose motto is, "The Play's the
thing," and whose object is to give finished performances of
standard old comedies at the Court Theatre. The next
performance is on March 20, when the Mermaids and
Mermen propose presenting CONGREVE'S Tlie Way of the
World.^ The members of this Submarine Society, with
subscriptions coming in plentifully, are well able to keep
their clever heads above water, and, in view of performing,
on future occasions, some old musical dramas, they are now
regularly practising their scales. Success to the show tali
, auxtlio !
ITXOH, OR TIIK LON'DOX CIIAIMVAIM. M\mn 9, 1904.
LEAVING THE LISTS.
[Sn William Yemen Ilarcourt retires from Parliamentary life after thirty-five years' active service.]
!>, 1 !t"l.!
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
HIOM Tin: DIVKV m- Tour, M.I'.
of I'oniiiinnx, Minultii/ night,
l".t. Talk through long winter
night all about the Navy. Everything
going well. We've got the men, \ve 've
vo t the .-.hips, and we've paid the money
too. Three years ago total of Naval
expmdit nre slightly exceeded thirty-two
millions. K.-limate<l outlay lor coming
year demands forty-two millions. Pretty
stiff for peace establishment, lint tax-
payer satislied if only assured he gets
something lor his money. As FOHTKSITK
Fl.ANNI'.KY said just, now, in one of those
trumpet - toned sentences that hurtle
throngli the shivering ages. " \Vliatisan
excessive Hiidget compared with safety
of the country ''. "
This one for C.-ll, who had been
hinting that \ve are rather going it in
the mattei- of national expenditure.
Happily proof forthcoming that the
Navy is not only in healthy contented
state of mind that would have amazed
the mutineers of the Nore, but that it
is impregnated to its lowest depths
with spirit of loyalty worth more
than a f'hilian ironclad in the hour of
battle. Testimony all the more valu-
able that it cropped up on side issues,
and was incidentally mentioned by
Secretary to Admiralty. Discoursing of
the educational establishment of late-
created ( Isborne, Piii-rmrxv told how he
had been approached by a gratel'nl
mother who. showing alarming intention
Tho
I'VITI.KSIIII'S."
i.f II. M.S. Sicjftfiirc and
docriU's his ulTs|:riiijj to the BOOM
cl I Vniinons.
i Sir K. J. l!-d, K.C.n.)
" X-ls-n, Bl-ke,— and the Earl of S-lb-ruo."
of desire to embrace him, descanted on
the happiness of her cadet.
" Why," she exclaimed, " he has cream
with his porridge ! "
There, in a sentence, is explained the
secret of the prowess of the British Navy.
Budding midshipmites have cream with
their porridge. Whether it were wise
thus to blurt out secrets, with France,
Germany and Russia listening at the
door, is matter for consideration of
Board of Admiralty. Anyhow it is out!
now. If, next year, our rivals shall
have so far profited by the lesson that
it will be necessary to increase existing
proportion of strength to meet demand
that Great Britain shall be as powerful
on the sea as any possible combination
of two maritime Powers, with PKETYMAN
will rest responsibility.
The other testimony also came from
Osborne, seed -ground of dauntless
Ami nils. A cadet, asked to name the
three greatest Admirals known to
history, promptly replied, " NY.i.Niv.
STAKE and the Karl of SKI.HOHXE." House
laughed long and loud when PRKTYMAN
told the story. If we come to think of
it we shall discern deeper meaning in it
than appears at first glance. Small boy
of course inaccurate in point of form.
There is a difference between the First
Lord of the Admiralty and a mere
Admiral like NEI>"ON or (JHAHI.IK
BERESFORD.
As a matter of fact, in accordance
with far-sighted policy alluded to last
week, our present First Lord learned
the art of war ashore. Before he went,
to the Admiralty he was accustomed to
set in battle array the third battalion of
the Hampshire Militia.
That is a detail. Wiping lips still
succulent with cream in his porridge ;
confronted by the query, Who are the
three greatest Admirals? having named
Nr.i.sox and BI.AKI:, the small cadet's
mind was permeated with the subtle;
personal influence of the head of tlfe
King's Navee, a personality felt, from
the flagship to the tiniest torpedo-boat.
Naturally the name of SEUWitxE leaped
to his tongue.
The youngster was quite right. Of
all Departments affected by reconstruc-
tion of Ministry of 1900, none has been
so successfully administered as the
Admiralty. Whilst squabbles have
raged round every other, healthful peace
has brooded over Spring Gardens.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAECH 9, 1904.
A DOWX-TRODDEU INDUSTRY !
"|The Rt.'Hon. Aust-n Ch-mb-rl-n to-day received a deputation of, brewers. . . . He was
unable, he said, to hold out any hope of being able to remit the taxes on beer and spirits."
gone out, and
magic wand, or
" Odd thing," says the MEMBER FOR
SAEK ; " of all Cabinet Ministers First
lord of the Admiralty is the only one
who hasn't been at sea."
Business done. — House in Committee
on Navy Estimates.
Tuesday niaht. — Haven't for some
sessions heard anything of Mr. FLAVIN.
Time was when Ids latest new suit, in
hue a note of flaming ochre, in cut a
masterpiece of the tailor of Tralee,
fascinated the House. He was up every
day at question time ; occasionally inter-
posed in debate with conundrums
addressed to the Chief Secretary about
the size and weight of ears of Irish corn j proffering comfort and consolation. Has
Conservatives have
GLADSTONE, with his
SQUIRE OF MALWOOD with his Death
Duties, has come in to put things right
again.
Now, owing to exceptional prolonga-
tion of power, Nemesis, with helm and
wheel, alights on the scene.
Conservative CHANCELLOR OF
CHEQUER who has to deal with the
dilemma, he young withal and new to
the place.
Pondering on these things Mr. FLAVIN,
with native generosity, broke his vow
of silence. Emerged from retirement,
It
THE
is a
Ex-
compared with British. Now rarely
seen in his place ; still more rarely
uplifts his voice. Never been the same
man since the night lie was carried out
shoulder high by four policemen, in-
voluntarily marching to the air " God
Save Ireland," sung by the captive, with
expelled compatriots chiming in.
Gaiety of the House long eclipsed,
to-night restored. CHANCELLOR OF EX-
CHEQUER in low spirits ; contemplates
with gloomy anticipation framing of his
Budget. Tis a hard fate that marks
him out as its victim. In ordinary
course of events, stretched over a term
of forty years, what has happened in the
matter of finance has been that a Con-
servative Ministry coming in to power
have found themselves heritors of a fat
surplus. When it has disappeared, and
in its place huge deficiencies confront yielded toYhe seductive ''offer'0 Publidv
LHANCELLOB OF THE EXCHEQUER, the! made, with a General Election almost
heard of a special brand of Scotch
whisky composed of four parts English
spirit, one of raw grain patent spirit,
a babe not twelve months old. This
the thing to cheer up CHANCELLOR OF
EXCHEQUER brooding over deficit.
Adroitly approaches overture by asking
if CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER ever heard
of this particular blend. Keply in the
negative.
"If I provide a sample," said Mr.
FLAVIN, throwing out his arms with
lavish gesture suggestive of a half-gallon
nip, " will the right hon. gentleman take
the responsibility of sampling it him-
self?"
"Sampling " is good as suggesting a
business transaction quite apart from
personal hankering. Had AUSTEN been
privily approached he might have
in sight and the Temperance Party going
strong, he firmly but politely declined.
Business done. — Still on Navy Esti-
mates.
Wednesday. — A fortnight ago, in con-
nection with the absence of SQUIRE OF
MALWOOD from debate, something was
said on this page of his peculiar personal
position in the House. To-day those
sentiments are universally voiced.
Wherever two or three Members meet
together the talk is of the SQUIRE'S pend-
ing retirement from public life.
"I have felt bound," he writes to
his constituents, " not without pain, to
come to the conclusion that I should
not be justified in seeking at the next
Election to renew the lease of my Parlia-
mentary life, the obligations of which
I cannot discharge in a manner which
would satisfy myself or those I had the
honour to serve."
It is a dignified farewell, worthy close
of a long life spent with rare distinction
in the service of the State.
The House of Commons will be dis-
tinctly poorer by the withdrawal of this
stately figure, with its high political
principles, its impregnable honesty, its
kind heart, and its (occasionally) bitter
tongue. The Tired Warrior has well
earned his rest. His helmet now a hive
for bees, he will retire to the loved
shades of Malwood. Priam at the
Sca?an Gate will look from afar on the
battlefield in the tumult of which his
soul long delighted.
He will have the satisfaction of know-
ing that he carries with him the affec-
tionate remembrance of his personal
friends, the admiration and esteem of
his political adversaries.
Business done. — Private Members'
Bills.
A Daily Chronicle correspondent,
writing about Port Arthur, says :—
" The soldiers of the forts are working like
horses, harnessing themselves to the carts and
singing while drawing them."
This must be the kind of horse we have
long wanted for neighbourhoods suffer-
ing from agricultural depression.
THE following telegrams, taken from
the Daily Telegraph, are very significant
when placed in proper juxtaposition : —
"The Pacific liner Korea has arrived at
Nagasaki with 12,240 barrels of beef for Port
Arthur. The cargo has been detained by the
military commander."
" The P/iet will probablv open at Tokiu on
March 20."
Lines for an Interview with
Mr. P. F. Warner.
"SucH was, and is, the Captain of the Test,
Though half his virtues are not here
exprest ;
The modesty of fame obscured the rest."
Dryden.
MARCH 9, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
177
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I
HINTS ON SMOKING.
(By the Expert Wrinklcr.)
MY weekly budget of correspondence
brings me 'many letters which I am
unable to answer in detail. Now and
again, however, a point of such vital
interest is raised that 1 can not, in my
capacity of trustee of public manners,
withhold a definite pronouncement.
Such, for instance, is the query put to
me by " Dindigul "— la it good form
not to smoke ? Of course t here are some
people who can't smoke, and ought not
to he blamed for it. For instance, there
was my friend Lord ERNEST CONKI.ETOX,
a very" bright and sociable fellow, who
had such an extraordinarily aquiline
nose that he could not smoke a cigar or
cigarette without burning the tip of it
—I mean his nose. Then I have known
some very nice fellows, occupying
excellent p'ositions in society, good solo-
whist players, thoroughly well-dressed
and honoiirable men, who either honestly
didn't like tobacco or with whom it
completely disagreed. These, however,
are only "the exceptions that prove the
rule. Smoking is not only a sign ol
manliness, and a sociable habit, but it
sets off a man, in certain surroundings,
almost as well as a good hat or a well-
tied tie. But here, as in everything else,
noblesse oblige, and a refined man of
fashion must not only be careful what
he smokes, but how and where he
indulges in the habit. Anyone may
smoke shag on a desert island, but even
Dukes abstain from anything stronger
than a cigarette in the breakfast parlour.
Some famous author once remarked that
brandy was the drink for heroes. Well,
to adapt the phrase, I should be inclined
to say that cigars are the smoke for
gentlemen. But, of course, we nrust cut
our coat according to our cloth. One of
the saddest things in life, as I have
often remarked, is that the most refined
men are often hampered by limited
incomes. Or, to put it in a more con-
crete form, many a man who is worthy
of the finest Magnifico Pomposos is
obliged to put up with " Dutchmen,"
twopenny cheroots, or Burmah cigars.
THE DANGERS OF PIPE-SMOKING.
Much greater latitude prevails in
regard to smoking in the streets than
when I was a boy, but the line must still
be drawn at pipes. A cigarette or even
a cigar is permissible in Bond Street,
but a pipe — never. My friend Baron
ZELTINGER, a very good fellow, but
strangely absent-minded at times, was
pilled at the National Liberal Club for
no other reason that I could ever find
out than that he had been seen smoking
a meerschaum in Pall Mall. The dis-
appointment quite broke him up, and
he shortly afterwards married the
daughter of a bath-chair proprietor,
became a vegetarian, and now goes
about in hygienic homespun. I merely
mention this to show what disasters may
happen to a man if he does not regulate
tastes in accordance with the require-
ments of good form. A pipe is all very
well for the privacy of home, but for
smoking in public "the cigar or gold-
tipped cigarette is de rigitcur.
CIGARETTES 1 IOME-MADE AND OTHERWISE.
Personally I don't mind confessing
that I roll most of my cigarettes myself,
but -I never do it in public. The only
"DOOM'D FOB A CERTAIN TERM TO WALK THE
NIGHT." — Hamlet, Act I., Sc. 5.
serious drawback is that you can't buy
gold-tipped cigarette papers. I tried
once painting the papers with gold, but
it wouldn't dry, and came off on my lip
without my noticing it. When I tttrnec
up in the smoke-room of the Junior
Commercial Travellers' Club that even
ing you can imagine I was properh
chaffed. If, then, you prefer to buy
your cigarettes ready made, you can get
a very serviceable article at the rate of
about three a penny if you buy them by
the ounce. Personally I prefer to buy
them in large quantities, and can cordially
recommend DIAMANTOPOULO'S Lion-tamers
at twenty shillings a thousand. The
objection to most cigarettes is that you
can go on smoking them indefinitely ;
— ht
but I have never seen any man smoke
more than three Lion-tamers on end.
Besides, they are invaluable in a small
conservatory from their msecticidal
qualities. Green fly may defy a green
cigar, but they simply curl up at the
mention of DUMASTOPOoio. I admit that
they aren't universally appreciated, and
old Lady HUBBLETHWAITK, who smokes
like a chimney, when I offered her my
case the other day, replied, very rudely as
I thought, "No, thanks— I like smoking,
but I don't care about being fumigated."
Other reasonable brands of cigarettes
that I can recommend are the halfpenny
Pecksniffs, the Noracreinis, an excellent
Irish brand, and MANGOLD'S Ensilage
.Mixture cigarette, sold in packets of
thirty for sixpence, but not to be had
at the Carlton for love or money.
USEFUL ECONOMIES.
A good device is carefully to pre-
serve the paper bands— or "waistcoats,"
as a funny friend of mine insists on
calling them— of really lirst-rate cigars,
and then transfer them to weeds of
inferior calibre. My firm impression is
that in these matters imagination goes
a long way, and that if you give a man
i twopenny Borneo wrapped in silver
xiper with the waistcoat of an Absolute
?lora he will discover in it all the fine
qualities of a half-crown cigar. Another
device of my own invention is that by
which a cigar of ordinary dimensions
may be lengthened so as to simulate a
six or eight-inch Intimidad. My plan is
to cut the cigar in half, and connect the
two halves with a wooden tube, which is
concealed by a coloured and gilt paper
band of exceptional width. When the
top end is nearly consumed you can
either substitute a half-smoked cigar
from "jy our cupboard and begin again,
or else remove the tube and finish
off the second half without any further
disguise. Remember also that cigar ash
is a useful substitute for blotting paper.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
GAY LORD QUEX. — I don't think a
hookah looks well in a hansom cab.
TAB, WOKINC.— (1) The correct form
is "Won't you have a cigarette?" not
"May I offer you a cig. ? " (2) The
accent is on the second syllable oi
cheroot.
STRAIGHT-CUT, MAYFAIR. — Embroiderec.
smoking-caps with a tassel are no longer
worn by the best people, but if your
fiancee has already made you one, i*
will always come in handy at privat
theatricals.
EOMEO. — Your objection to the Invisi
ble Trousers Stretcher, that if trousert
are invisible they do not need to be
stretched, is not valid. The wore
invisible applies to the stretching
machine.
MARCH 9, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
179
LITTLE ARTICLES BY GREAT MEN.
I. Do WE TAKE OI'R AMl'SF.MKN IS SERIOUSLY ENOron?
(Jlij Mr. < '. /;. F 0 « )
Tin: frivolity of the British people is to my mind the
saddest sign of the age. I shall never forget the slux'k with
which I saw a newspaper bill when MACF.ARKN (great-hearted
MAC) was struggling against Australia. The placard had in
huge letters the words, "British I'isaster." With trembling
hands 1 purchased a paper, and turned nervously to the
cricket columns. Nothing was there. I turned to the stop- 1
press news and found that this catchpenny bill was due to
nothing more than the cutting up of a troop of Yeomanry by
the Boers. From the fuss made one would have thought
that the Adelaide pitch had been cut up. The frivolity of
the Press is only paralleled by the frivolity of the public.
Take the light and airy way in which the Spectators at OUT j
great cricket grounds treat the imposing functions provided
for them. Suppose little (but heroic) JOHNNY TYI.PKSI.EY runs j
out to that wily, curling ball which sunny-faced WILFRED:
KHOMKS pitches thirty-three and three-quarter inches from the
block. Up glides his trusty willow, and a fortieth of a second |
after the ball has pitched descends on the leather. With a
wonderful flick of the elbow he chops the ball exactly
between square leg and point. Is the raucous " Well hit,
.IOIIVNY," of the crowd a fitting, a reverent salutation? Our
Elizabethan dramatists knew better. Have you not noticed
in their stage directions, " A solemn music " ? Two or three
phrases of CIIOPIV played, let us say, on the French horn by
the iliii/i'n of the Press-box would be a better tribute to such
a miracle of skill. There are, however, elements of better to produce a mere system of philosophy by the late HERBERT
things in our crowds. Before now I have seen the potent ! SPENCER, who never even played in an Athenreum "A" team.
JESSOP smite a rising ball to the boundary with all the con- On every side I trace the growth of the same spirit.
eentrated energy of his Atlantean shoulders, and as the ball England is devoting itself to art, politics, literature and
readied the ring the spectators with involuntary reverence : theology, and in the rush and hurry of our modern life there
prostrated themselves before it. ' is a sad danger that sport will be underrated or overlooked.
\ while since I beheld the Arsenal Forwards swooping j My countrymen must learn to concentrate their minds on the
down on^the Tottenham goal. The crowd cried, "Go it, things which really matter. In your nobler moments would
Arsenal!' " Buck up, Spurs !" but a friend whispered to me, j you not rather stand at the wicket than at the table of the
as he pointed to the red-shirted Forwards, BLAKE'S famous ' House of Commons, or on the political platform of the City
l'm's ; ! Temple, or on the stage of the Alhaxnbra? Save her sport
UNNECESSARY REMARKS.
" WHAT ! HAVE you MISSED IT ? "
" Tiger, Tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night ; "
and 1 felt that his comment was a higher, a more rational one.
We need on our cricket and football grounds a rhapsodic
bard to interpret the emotions of the moment. And what
have we '>. not a HOSIER- not even a LEWIS MORRIS— but a Poet
CRAIG.
Nor do our greatest men gain the public honours which
are their due. In ancient Greece a great athlete was a
national hero. The name of LADAS has come down to us
through the ages with those of SOCRATES and XENOPHON.
Think of the sad contrast in modern England. Why is not
PLUM \\ .MINER ([ knew him in long clothes) a Knight of the
Garter? \\ hy is not RANJI (exquisitely delicate RAX Ji— the
\\ U.TER I'M KK of the cricket field) Viceroy of India ? There
are living cricketers, with an average of over eighty, and a'
dozen centuries in one season to their credit, who have never !
even been sworn of the Privy Council. If Derby had been
a Hellenic city, some worthy citizen would have erected a
votive altar to the gods as a thank-offering for the gift of'
The- careless Derbians have not even set up a j
horse-trough to commemorate their miraculous inside-right. \
Amongst men of culture the same lack of earnestness is
id. A philosophic friend of mine has been for years;
ithermg material for a magnum opus on "The Characteristics ;
first League Centre Half-Backs, with a Dissertation on '
rnppmg, and yet has found no encouragement
o publish. Contrast this with the money which was lavished '
and you save England.
THEATRICAL SOUVENIRS.
IT has been noticed that a certain monotony marks the
efforts of British theatrical managers to commemorate
dramatic anniversaries. With a view to lending variety to an
institution hitherto treated on stereotyped lines, Mr. Punch
ventures to put forward the following suggestions for suit-
able souvenirs to be distributed on anniversary nights of the
following plays : —
Madame Sherry. A butt of Oloroso.
The Earl and the Girl. A handsomely bound copy of
Dcbrett.
The Duke of Klllicrankie. A Philibeg.
The Darling of the Gods. A dwarf Japanese tree.
The Arm of the Law. A silver-mounted truncheon.
Little Mary. A diamond-hilted stomach-pump.
For Problem-plays generally. A portrait of Sir FRANCIS
JEUNE.
JAPAN has been extraordinarily successful in keeping her
intentions secret. But an equally strict censorship can
hardly be expected on the part of the Chinese authorities :
and, according to the Northern Whig, Mr. BENNET BURLEIGH
was able to send home from Shanghai the following informa-
tion regarding the attitude of the Mandjur at that port : —
"The Russian gunboatmbambamhambambn."
180
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 9, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
A LITTLE more than twelve months ago my Baronite, visiting
Trinidad, chanced to come across a meanly-printed book
giving an account of an expedition np
the Caura affluent of the Orinoco. The
narrative had apparently been published
in a local newspaper, the type, divided
into paged spaces, printed on rough
paper and cheaply bound. Full many
a gem of purest ray serene the dark
nufathomed caves of ocean bear. My
Baronite speedily discovered the treasure
hidden in this nnalluring shape. He
wrote a notice of the work in this
column, hinting that a London publisher
would do well to Icxik it up. Messrs.
SMITH, ELDER took the tip, and have
reproduced the narrative in a handsome volume, with
thirty-four illustrations and a map. The author is still a
young man, EUGENE ANDRE by name. In his book, A
Xntiirtilifit in the Guiinum, will be found a notable addition
not only to geographical knowledge and incidents of personal
adventure, but to rare information of hitherto unknown
birds that swarm in the pathless forests of Venezuela.
For well-constructed plot, for picturesquely descriptive
writing of a high order, for clear narrative, sustained and
all-absorbing interest, for dramatic dialogue and tragic action,
Strong Mac, by S. R. CROCKETT (WARD AND LOCK), stands well
at the head of the very best novels published within the last
twelve months, though the broad Scotch dialect is a hard
nut for a southern Englishman to crack, and he may break
some of his teeth in any rash attempt to read it aloud. To
all novel readers and lovers of good literature this exceptional
romance is strongly recommended by the Baron. One word
as to the clever illustrations by MAURICE GRIFFEXHAGEX. In very
few instances does the picture face the scene it is intended
to illustrate ; either it is in advance of, or after, the event.
This placing is inartistic. A reader does not want to be
told pictorially of what is going to happen three pages
ahead ; nor, having mastered the situation, does he feel the
slightest interest in seeing it pictorially represented some
pages after he has done with it. Again, the composition
and execution must to a certain extent suffer from the formal
compression to which the artist has bound himself hard and
fast, so that most of the pictures suggest the simile of an
attempt to place, within the narrow limits of the Theatre
Royal back-drawing-room, scenes that to be really effective
should have had the stage of Drury Lane entirely to them-
selves.
"Most people know a flounder," writes Sir HERBERT
MAXWELL in his British Fresh Water Fishes, just added by
Messrs. HUIXHIXSOX to the Woburn Library of Natural
Histoiy edited by the Duke of BEDFORD. My Baronite
blushes with conscious pride at this assumption on the
part of a high authority that he, among others, possesses
this gift of discernment. Truth compels him to admit that
he is most familiar with the fish when souche, and is not
quite certain he would recognise it if he met it off the coast.
He is therefore gratified to learn that inaccuracy on the
point, is not singular. " On the west coast of Scotland,"
Sir HERBERT testifies, "the flounder is known as the fluke,
and the term flounder is applied popularly to quite a different
fish, the plaice." This is a mere detail, a speck on the Milky
\\ ay of knowledge possessed by the Admirable CmrHTox recog-
nised in the House of Commons as the Member for Wigtoiishire.
Sir HERBERT'S range of information, wide and deep, is happily
equalled by his industry. Only the other day he edited a
book which for personal and political interest vies with the
jlc Memoirs. To-day one comes upon him mermanning
in British rivers, airing his acquaintance with the ancient
perch family, distinguishing between the three-spined
stickleback and its ten-spined kinsman, saying a good
word for the gudgeon, glancing en passant at the shad,
the eel, and the lamprey, and shedding vivid light upon
salmon problems. Sir HERBERT is appalling learned. Withal
lie has the gift of making the simple understand.
The Baron, who is only too happy to be able to recommend
to his readers the distraction of a really stirring sensational
novel, regrets being unable to do more than give considerably
qualified praise to Room Five, by M. HAMILTON I>I:U.MM<I.M>
(WARD, LOCK & Co.). His picture of the village doctor is
clever, and his graphic description of the shipwreck is
excellent. The commencement of the story promises well,
but the performance is not equal to the promise.
In this tenth number of the Great Masters (HEKKMAHS,
London ; HACHETTE, Paris &c.) that lias just appeared, the first
picture, by NICHOLAS MAES, entitled An Old Woman mn/ing
Grace, beautifully reproduced, is, in the Baron's opinion,
were it standing alone, in itself full value for the
price, "the ridiculously small sum of five shillings,'' for
which can be purchased any one of the numbers in this
series. The homely pathos and piety of it — and 'tis not a
matter of meat-piety, as it is evidently merely a iish dinner, —
and the gratitude of the ancient dame, for what she is about to
receive, are delightful. You can scent the broth, which in this
instance too many cooks can't spoil ; you see how the good
lady has the best sauce in the world to take with her iish,
namely that supplied by a good appetite ; while, as a lotion
for her throat, what is in that inviting-looking pottle-pot ? A
wee drappit o' schnaps to which she can put her lips when
so dispoged ? or may be only thin beer ? No matter, Madam
— here 's your health, and may your appetite be soon appeased.
And what ought to be our English title for this picture ? Is
it not evident? — why, of course : Mi/ Old Dutch, or Her Grace
before Dinner. Attractive too as are the Holbein, the
Correggio and the Gainsborough, 'tis this old dame, of
Fish Pie 'Ouse fervour, that has won the Baron's heart.
What charm ! What a grace !
Bygone Eton. The Baron resents the title. Yes, Messrs.
SPOTTISWOODE & Co., LTD., publishers of what is certain to be
a delightful series of pictures, of which "Part I." has just
appeared, yes, iterumque, the Baron resents the title. There
can be no " bygones " for Eton. Floreat Etoixi ! Let " by-
gones be bygones," and away with them ! This collection
is described as one of "Permanent Photographs." There
is some comfort in this. First tableau, " View of Eton
College in 1621." Here are the "foundations," and, but
for the statue of the Royal Founder being conspicuous
by its "absence" (i.e., he did not answer to his name in
the school yard), here is the old place as it was, and
very much as it is. Then we come to 1700, when we
find that the College has rapidly
developed itself. In front there
is absolutely " the wall " (height
about four feet) where the lolly-
pop and " sock " merchants of
yore (a little later than 1700)
were wont to drive a roaring
trade among the sucking dukes,
marquises, lords, and very
short commons, all Eat in' boys.
The schoolyard in 1814 finishes
the set for the present. The
Baron awaits further develop-
ments.
THE
BARON
MARCH 10, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
181
.
THE RETORT COURTEOUS.
(A Reminiicenee of the Past Harrier Season)
Major Topknot, M.R. (to butcher's 'boy). "Hi! HULLOAH! HAVE TOD BEEN MT HAKE?"
Butdier's Boy. " GA-A-RN ! 'AvK TOO SEES MT WHISKERS ? "
THE TATE-A-TATE GALLERY.
IT has been suggested recently in one
of the papers that the National Gallery
is becoming more a rendezvous for
engaged, or would-be engaged, couples
than a haunt of the earnest student of
the Old Masters. If this is the case —
and with the weather we have been
having it would not cause surprise — so
pressing a matter had better be regu-
larised without delay. We beg there-
fore, with all diffidence, to call the
attention of the Director, Sir EDWARD
POYNTER, to the following more or less
needftil improvements : —
As the rooms are now inconveniently
large, they should .be partitioned off by
a number of screens. This would
ensure at least partial privacy, and pro-
vide "cosy corners," of course under
due supervision, to advanced students.
F.arh compartment would be supplied
with easy chairs, tea table, mistletoe-
bough, and other necessiries.
The staff of attendants should be
adequately increased by the enrol-
ment of Stewards and Masters of Cere-
monies, well versed in Leap- Year, Covent
Garden, Smart Set, and Bank Holiday
etiquette.
The staircases should be multiplied,
as many members of suburban dancing
clubs are accustomed to such accommo-
dation, and use no other, for sitting-out.
The lighting should be more subdued,
if possible, than at present, with the
exception, perhaps, of one fairly well-lit
chamber for beginners.
The majority of the pictures should
be turned with their faces to the wall,
or removed altogether, as they are pro-
ductive of suicidal melancholy, or, at
any rate, induce a headache and a desire
to go home forthwith. They might be
replaced by the idyllic and Early- Vic-
torian love-scenes so frequently depicted
by a well-known R.A., or else by a series
of the most cheerful and popular post-
cards. A few of the more
portraits, such as those of Lady HAMILTON
or the Parson's Daughter, might be re-
tained, unless it is considered that they
would lead to invidious comparisons, in
appearance and behaviour, with young
ladies of the present day.
To ensure the strictest propriety,
admission should be by Season Ticket in
the case of those whose addresses can
be traced in the Court Directories, and
by Ticket-of-Leave in the case of others.
Such tickets to be revocable by the
Deportment Department of the London
County Council.
Only students and visitors between
the ages of seventeen and fifty-in-the-
shade should be allowed to enter, and
no devotee of art permitted to encumber
the rooms with easels and such-like
painting apparatus.
Lastly, the Institution should be re-
named the "Tate-a-Tate Gallery," a
similarly-named building at Millbank
being available for life-study on identi-
cal lines.
VOL. CJAiVl.
182
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 16, 1904.
CEDANT ARMA TOG/E?
[The Berlin Correspondent of the Express mentions a Ministerial
decree which " states that soldiers who hesitate to kill or wound
offending civilians are unworthy to wear their uniforms, and render
themselves liable to imprisonment. . . . Though the issue of this
decree indicates no new departure, it is intended to emphasise the
fundamental idea in German militarism that military men are a class
of society far superior to civilians." The following lines are respect-
fully placed in the lips of the German Minister of War.]
PRIDE of the Fatherland ! Superb police,
Whose business is to keep in constant fettle,
Be it not said the rust of armed peace
Has paralysed your military mettle ;
Prove that a courage equal to the best
Still agitates the Teuton's mailed chest.
You cannot always wallow in a sea
Of Gallic gore, or bulge with heathen booty ;
The Watch upon the Rhine or else the Spree
Entails a homely round of bloodless duty ;
But, while the counter-jumper walks the streets,
Scope should be surely found for martial feats.
There is a vicious habit, so we hear,
Which Army men are very rightly shocked at,
Of showing disregard for warlike gear —
The Captain's corset and the General's cocked-hat ;
Men do not drop their dazzled eyes and faint
Before the warrior in his awful paint.
Yet, as the Brahman has his holy cow,
Or the primeval Hottentot his totem,
Two things there are to which we Germans bow
(Almost too widely known for me to quote 'em),
Two Faiths, our final stay in stress and storm—-
The KAISER and the KAISER'S uniform.
And shall a man of mere commercial breed,
Lacking the elements of true gentility,
Pass in his homespun cloth or Harris tweed
Unchallenged 'twixt the wind and your nobility ?
Not while you wear a sabre at your side
With which to perforate his paltry hide !
Should such an one (to take a common case),
Emboldened by excessive bouts of Munich
In some beer-garden which you deign to grace,
Brush disrespectfully against your tunic,
Or soil your Bluchers with civilian mud-
Out with your instant blade and have his blood !
Unter den Linden, when the sun is low,
And, in a leisure hour exempt from drilling,
With rigid gait and clanking spurs you go,
A dream of godlike beauty, simply kiUing,
If any knave dispute the path you tread,
Your falchion should at once remove his head.
NoUessc, of course, oblige. You mustn't trail
Your sabre-tache for vulgar churls to step on,
But seize occasion and you cannot fail
To find the man you want to flesh your weapon •
Should he (unarmed, for choice) provoke the strife'
W hy, then your course is clear ; you take his life !
Let not a low civilian wipe the eye
Of but " a single Pomeranian Grenadier " ;
Rather let Art, with Laws and Learning, die
Pursuits to which the meaner types of men adhere •
1 a sooner even dislocate our Trade
Than let the Army's honour be mislaid.
That honour it is yours to guard unstained,
Burnished as though by freqiient use of emery,
Keeping our glorious record well maintained,
Just as our mighty Lord of blessed memory,
The ne'er-to-be-forgotten WILLIAM ONE,
Would, were he living, like to see it done. 0. S.
REED'S ENTIRE.
THIS show, at Messrs. BROWN AND PHILLIPS' Leicester
Galleries, must not be missed by • anyone who loves
genuine, good-natured, genial caricature. No cruelty in
the mixture. Even if you happen to be one of the
caricatured, say Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, Lord ROSEBERY, or Sir
WILLIAM HARCOURT, you couldn't be angry ; you 'd be bound
to laugh and exclaim "how absurd!" Among the many
comic presentments of " JOE," who may be looked upon as
the universal provider of matter for political caricaturists,
there is one here that at first sight might be a quizzical
portrait of GEORGE GROSSMITH giving one of his humorous
sketches, vocal and instrumental. No. 30, " The Jackdaw of,
Louth," Mr. TIM HEALY, M.P., is perfect as a specimen of,
Mr. REED'S black and white art. Another, " selected " as
specially good and wonderfully delicate in tone, is No. 36,
" TJie Tariff Spider at work in his Web." Very far removed
from caricature, but on the contrary a delightful portrait, is
that of His Majesty King EDWARD THE SEVENTH, as we all love
to see him, in excellent health and spirits, " starting the
Marionettes," that is, opening Parliament and setting the
figures a-moving. This No., 63, is a very remarkable and
effective piece of work. 85 — " when found make a note of " —
" Rosebery Bunsby." "Whereby, why not? If so, what
odds ? Can any man say otherwise ? No. Awast then !
The bearings of this observation lays in the application on
it. Awast then, keep a bright look-out for'ard, and good
luck to you ! "
The best of the " Unrecorded History Series " is, to our
thinking, No. 110, suggested by " HOLBEIN'S attempt to swim
the Channel." Mr. REED might give us a recently discovered
Assyrian tablet showing the most ancient Parliamentary
proceedings of the Hittouts (in Opposition) and the Sittites
[the Government). But where there are so many excellent
things every purchaser may feel assured that he individually
has got the pick of the basket. A great number we see are
already marked " Sold," and many intending buyers, arriving
too late, will be in the position of those pictures (and be
hanged to them!) when they only meet with the polite
custodian's explanation, " All gone, Sir." No matter, there's
more where those came from, let us hope, for many years to
come.
There's many a true jest spoken in earnest.
WE are indebted to the Indian Planters' Gazette for calling
rabhc attention to the following passage from the Advocate
of India, in which a comparison is drawn between German
and English methods of commercial training : —
"The budding principal is drafted into an office through Oxford,
where he has distinguished himself in the dead languages and won his
purs and his stiff knee in the eight who contest the annual football
match at Lord s, or his blazer and straw hat in the fifteen who pulled
off the cricket match between Mortlake and Putney."
' ODIDA " must look to her laurels.
FRENCH ADAPTATION.— Honour to Mr. BARRIE. The authorities
)1 the trancais have under serious consideration an adap-
tion of Mr. BARRIE'S now celebrated play. The scene is on
board a Channel steamer. Le Mai de Mer y est has been
uggested for the" title.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.-MARCH 16, 1904.
THE WISDOM OF THE EAST.
JAPANESE OFFICER (to Press Correspondent}. " ABJECTLY WE DESIRE TO DISTINGUISH HONOURABLE
NEWSPAPER MAN BY HONOURABLE BADGE."
MARCH 16, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
185
A' LITTLE SURPRISE.
John (finishing the evening paper and wanting to commence the annual discussion). " WELL, DEAB, is rr TO BE LIGHT BLUB OB DABS BLUK
THIS TEAK?"
Edith. " HOW CLBVBB TOD ARE, JOHN, TO KNOW WHAT I WAS THWnNO ABOUT ! I DIDN'T OABE TO MENTION IT. IT IS OOOD OF TOO TO SUOOEST
BY GETTING A NEW ONE ! I SHOULD SO LIKB A DARK BLUE COSTUME ! LlOHT BLUE IB VERT NICE, AND SUITS ME TOO, BUT DARK BLUE IS BVBB SO
lives MORE SERVICEABLE, AND WE OUGHT To THINK OF THAT." [And John hadn't the heart to explain that he only referred to the Boat-race.
LIFE'S LITTLE EMBARRASS-
MENTS.
(By Hie Expert Wrinlder.)
THE true test of greatness, as I have
always held, is a man's ability to rise to
the occasion, be it great or small. Your
true man of the world will never be
floored by an emergency, though, as I
have often found myself, it may put
him to serious inconvenience. For
example, the first time I went to pay a
visit to a ducal mansion, I found, on
going up to dress for dinner, that my
man had omitted to put up an evening
waistcoat. I confess that I had what
our festive friends across the Channel
call "4 bad quarter of an hour " before
I saw my way out of the difficulty.
Ringing the bell I took, the footman into
my confidence, and in ten minutes he
had procured for me a cast-off waistcoat
of the Duke's, which I bought off him
th<> footman, not the Duke — for a
sovereign, and still keep amongst the
most valued treasures of my wardrobe.
I need hardly say that on my return I
gave my man such a talking to as he
did not forget for years. An oversight
of this sort is a regular crime, and it is
folly to overlook it. My friend, Lord
EUGENE SANDOWN, who was a very
powerful man with a violent temper,
whenever his man forgot anything in
this way, used to throw it at him as a
reminder. The man stood it for a while,
but gave warning after being hit on the
nose by a boot-tree. I am afraid, from
what I hear on every side, that the
loyalty of domestic servants is not a
patch on what it used to be.
TABLE EMBARRASSMENTS.
One of the most fertile sources of
embarrassment is to be offered a dish
with the composition of which you are
not familiar, or which you don't know
exactly how to manipulate. I shall
never forget the awful experience I
went through years ago at a very stylish
dinner, when I tried to eat the sort of
paper box in which portions of salmon
were served. On another occasion,
in a fit of absent-mindedness, I put
a large spoonful of ice pudding into my
mouth, thinking it was hot. Over the
sequel I draw a veil. We all of us have
done foolish things in the past, and I
only allude to the episode in order that
it may serve as a danger signal to my
readers. It is consoling, however, to
know that persons of high rank and
noble birth do not escape these un-
pleasantnesses. For instance, there was
a foreign Count, I think he came from
Circassia or some such place, who was
invited to stay at Lord HIOHCLEBE'S, and
when they brought him hot water in the
morning, not knowing what to do with
it, he drank it ! Shrimps, again, are a
severe trial to men of refined natures.
And many men are often seriously em-
barrassed by being given tea or coffee
too hot to be swallowed with impunity.
In such a case at all hazards resist the
temptation to blow on the boiling
beverage or empty it into your saucer.
Some men in these circumstances
186
OR THE
16,
extricate themselves by indulging in
facetiousness, e.g., saying to their
hostess, " I 'm afraid I '11 have to trouble
you for some more cow-juice," or, " Look
here, you seem to think that I 'm like
Lord TEIGNMOUTH, who can swallow any-
thing." On the whole I think it is
better form to wait until the fluid has
cooled of itself. Some people, however,
carry about with them little refrigerating
tabloids, which will reduce the hottest
tea to an endurable temperature. In
this connection let me give my readers a
piece of advice. If by any ill chance
you should drop an oyster or a poached
egg on the cloth or the floor, do not
attempt to pick it up yourself, but allow
the hunt to be conducted by one of the
domestics. One generally makes bad
worse in the attempt, besides calling
attention to one's misfortune.
MISCELLANEOUS AGONIES.
There is perhaps nothing so painful
for a smart man as to find himself
unsuitably clad. I shall never forget
once seeing at the Oxford and Cambridge
match a tall man with a pointed beard,
wearing a low evening waistcoat and a
black-bow tie. He did not seem in the
least conscious of his position, and I
found out afterwards that he was a
Russian Grand Duke. That no doubt
enabled him to carry it off. For myself,
one of the few experiences in my career
that I should like to obliterate was that
of finding myself in Piccadilly wearing a
frock-coat and a straw hat. It was a warm
morning in May, and without thinking
what I was doing I put on a straw hat
and walked out from my chambers in
the Albany in the direction of the Park.
Most providentially I had not got as far
as Devonshire House when my old friend
the Hon. PERCY MAKTIKGALE met me, and,
leading me up Berkeley Street, explained
what had happened. I concealed myself
in the passage leading to Curzon Street
until he called a fourwheeler, and went
home with the blinds down. My only
excuse was that I had had a sharp attack
of the " flu," which occasionally affects
the memory. Fortunately I was able
not very long afterwards to repay the
Hon. PEROT MARTINGALE for his kind
service in a somewhat similar way.
Meeting him in the Park, I noticed that
he had omitted to remove the label from
his new Chesterfield, which bore the
inscription, " Sale Price, £2 12s. Qd" I
feel pretty sure that if his father, Lord
PUNCHESTOWN, had seen it, he would have
cut him off with a shilling.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
YELLOW PERIL, SHOEBURTNESS. — (1) I
am afraid I cannot tell you why boot
trees are so called. Perhaps they could
enlighten you at Kew Gardens. (2) No.
WELLINGTON invented his boot before
the Battle of Waterloo. (3) Gladstone j
bags were, I believe, so called owing,
to the Liberal leader's _ historic reference
to " bag and baggage."
CYRANO DE BEEGERAO, BRONDESBDRY.— It
is not usual to have a frock-coat made
of Harris tweed ; in fact, owing to the
facial defect from which you suffer, 1
should say it would not suit you.
CASABIANOA, BURNTISLAND. — (1) If your
expression is melancholy, an excellent
corrective is to turn up the ends of your
moustache. (2) Yes. A trouser-press
APOLOGY.
DEAR CHAP, — Beg pardon. I thought
this letter, which I return, was addressed
to me, and so — like the unexpectedly
bad egg — it was
" OPENED BY MISTAKE ! '
would be an excellent wedding present ;
but be sure you address it to the bride-
groom.
Bare Combination !
A PIANOFORTE recital (announced for
the 15th) by Miss LLOYD at Bechstein Hall
under " the management of G. SHARPE."
Not likely therefore to be a flat affair.
Further good news : Miss LLOYD is to be
"assisted by Mr. MARIS HALE (Bass) and
accompanist Mr. HAMILTON HARTS'."
There 's a combination ! Two performers,
"HALE and HARTY.'" And the HALE is
Bass ! ! Pity it isn't for next Tuesday,
but 'twas for yesterday. No matter ; for
such a trio there must be an encore.
THE MUSE OF HISTORY.— XL
TEST MATCHES.
THERE once was a skipper named PLUM,
Whose team made the prophets all glum ;
" It 's bad through and through,"
They declared : "it won't do."
But to-day all those prophets are dumb.
COUXTY COUNCIL ELECTIONS.
A SOLON + SHAKSPEARE named SHAW
Wished to fashion St. Pancras's law.
He 'd a Moderate mind,
And to Progress inclined ;
But St. Pancras resented his jaw.
Toxio.
There were once Correspondents galore
Bottled up in a town by the shore.
They could float its pagodas
In whisky-and-sodas, —
But where is their news of the War ?
LORD HUGH CECIL.
There was a lean lordling named HUGH,
Who looked like a pious Hindoo :
But beneath that disguise
We could all recognise
The chief of a cannibal crew.
LORD ESHEE.
" The Critic I '11 never forget
For the way he designed to upset
My pet Army corps
And the Office of War,
Is — REGINALD BALIOL BRETT."
ME. BRODHIOK.
There is an ex-warhorse named Brodder,
A most conscientious old plodder,
He sees in Ah Sin
TOMMY ATKINS'S kin,
And daily grows odder and odder.
LORD ROSEBEET.
A Primrose, of character canny,
Who modestly bloomed in a cranny,
Though bland and urbane,
Once was heard to complain
He 'd be blanked if he stood Pretty FANNY.
THE GOVERNMENT.
There once was one pamphlet (not two)
And oh, what a hullabaloo !
Suppose there 'd been three ....
But, how glad we should be
There was only one pamphlet (not two)
Ne sutor ultra crepidam.
IN the fine art of parody
KIPLING progresses fast,
While in each new endeavour he
Still goes beyond Ms last.
MOTTO FOR JAPAN (from popular ol
Sporting Song). — The Boy in Yello
wins the day !
MARCH 16, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
187
CHARIVARIA-
THE War between Russia, and Japan
a taking place under the most dis-
inguished patronage. We learn from
,he newspapers that our own little
Princes, and the C/AR, have purchased
maps, and pins with flags, and arc
allowing the course of events with the
greatest interest.
It was reported one day last week that
the Koreans, "as the result of a col-
.ision" at Kangsye, had driven the
Russians back beyond the Yalu. Those
who know the Koreans will agree that
it could only have been the result of an
accident. .
Last week's Dispatch contained "A
Baronet's Jokes." We are pleased to
find Baronets making jokes. It raises
our profession.
Some surprise was expressed at the
arrival of some warm sunny days last
week, but surely one would expect a
Leap Year to have a certain amount of
Spring in it.
Last week it was stated that the
signal-book of H.M.S. Prince George had
been thrown overboard by some evil-
disposed person, but public anxiety was
somewhat relieved by the announcement
that, like all signal-books, it was so
weighted that it would sink, and still
furt her relieved by the news that it had
been found floating in the Tagus.
It is so difficult nowadays to be a
gentleman that one feels really grateful
to the Daily Mirror for publishing a
communique on the subject of handker-
chiefs. A representative of that organ
was fortunate enough to get a glimpse
of the KINO'S Royal Handkerchief at the
Shire Horse Show, and in future all but
rank outsiders will use a small cambric
handkerchief with a deep red border in
the morning, and a plain white one in
the afternoon and evening. This applies
both to country and town.
Meanwhile, among the lower orders
the colour most affected would still
appear to be dark white.
The War is already developing a
"light side." The "Jolly Japs" have
had a good joke at Port Arthur by
causing the Russians to waste ammu-
nition on dummy boats, and it is now
reported that General KUROPATKIN has
bought three magnificent chestnuts.
The Westminster Gazette publishes a
column entitled " Men, Women, and
Things," and the ladies and gentlemen
THE ENTHUSIAST.
Jones (whose breakfast has 6e«n waiting for the last half-hour). " Now, IT OHLT TEH OAH
GET FROM CHEMULPO TO Wi-ju," ETC., ETC.
whose names figure therein hope they
come in one of the first two categories.
We are reminded of a certain pro-
vincial paper which, in describing a
social function, stated, "Inter alia we
noticed his Worship the Mayor."
Messrs. ANTHONY TREHEHNE & Co. have
produced "the smallest Shakspeare in
the world." SHAKSPEARE himself was
once this. •
The article in the current number of
the Strand Magazine entitled "Battles
with Bergs " is not an advertisement for
Insect Powder.
Mr. HAVELOCK ELLIS has written a book
in which he attempts to ascertain what
goes to make British Genius. Mr. ELLIS
announces that he is still pursuing his
investigations, and it is rumoured that
several of our most prominent authors
and authoresses have offered themselves
for examination.
Resolutions of sympathy with passive
resisters were passed last week at the
Free Church Council. We are inclined
to think that the Free Church Council
is right, and that the poor creatures are
objects for our sympathy rather than
our anger.
Two Dickie* in the Field.
THE Yorkshire Poet, describing the
interest created in the House by the
debate of the 9th inst., speaks of "a
hundred men who had been dining
and presented expanses of shirt front
on both sides."
188
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 16, 1904.
INSULAR PROTECTION.
[Tn an article in the Fortnightly Review, Mrs. JOHN LANE, from the
point of view of the American hostess, wonders if it is shyness that
makes the Englishman so hard to entertain.]
Chorus of American Girls.
0 SONS of Britannia, the thought of you lured us
To cross in Cunarders the perilous sea ;
We braved the wild billows, for rumour assured us
That nowhere were men so delightful as ye.
But when we look kind you are solemn and frigid,
You blush at the glint of a maidenly eye,
And the more we unbend, you become the more rigid —
0 sons of Britannia, why are you so shy ?
Chorus of English Men.
Columbia's daughters, we 're filled with emotion
At thought of the favours you heap upon us,
For— distance no object — you traversed the ocean
To spoil us with kindness and flattering fuss.
But we 're so accustomed to manners which freeze us,
To tongues which are dumb, that we 're tempted to fly
When we meet with a countenance anxious to ease us,
And that is perhaps why you find us so shy.
Chorus of American Girls.
0 sons of Britannia, in vain will you harden
Your adamant hides to the snares of the foe ;
We still will pursue you in ball-room and garden,
On river and race-course — wherever you go.
You 've old country seats and delectable titles ;
All arts known to woman we 're going to ply ;
We '11 borrow love's arrows and aim at your vitals,
And teach you to be just a little less shy.
Chonis of English Men.
Columbia's daughters, we 've British-made beauty ;
Whatever the charms of American -fairs,
Still England expects us to stick to our duty
And preference give to our own native wares.
In vain have you boarded the heaving Cunarder,
In vain for our castles and scutcheons you sigh ;
Our country is calling ; the patriot's ardour
That burns in the Briton still bids us be shy.
THE COMING OPERA SEASON.
THIS year two Arts join hands and dance through the
London Season together up to a certain point, when Painting
outstays Music ; for the Academy and the Opera are
announced to commence together on Monday, May 2, and
while the Opera comes to an end on July 25 the Academy
continues with us for some days longer.
As to the Opera, Mr. Punch is able to announce that
Dr. RICHTER is to be entrusted with the interests of Wagnerian
productions, and will direct special performances of Tann-
hauser, Tristan and Die Meistersinger without any cutting
remarks. This is kind : so we shall hear these works in
their entirety. Perhaps the Doctor's prescription will be a
trifle too strong even for some Wagnerians.
Ballo en Maschera is to be revived, and this will interest
not a few ancient habitues who, clearly remembering MARIO
in the chief role, can only look upon his successors as, by
comparison, mere Mario-nettos.
Dr. RICHTER, Signer MANCINELLI the Merry, and Herr LOHSE,
will be the conductors to ward off the stroke of the critics'
lightning. The strings in the orchestra are to be strengthened
with chords, and it is hoped that the grande caisse in front
of the house will be considerably benefited by all the new
arrangements. On the opening night it is expected that the
best known habitues and strenuous supporters of the Opera
will bow from their stalls and private boxes. The National
Anthem, arranged as a trio (with chorus), will be sung by
Lord DE GREY, Mr. HIGGINS, and Lord ESHER. The forces wil
be under the supervision of General Manager MESSAGER ; while
Mr. NEIL FORSYTE will be again at the post whereon he wil]
be perched throughout the season to which Mr. Pundi
heartily wishes the greatest success.
^l
Several
THE BUMBLE-BEE-BOY.
THIS is a tale that was told to me
Of a boy who was born a Bumble-Bee.
He never required to wet his throttle
With a drink of milk from a feeding-bottle ;
They never brought him pap in a lidle ;
He never was rocked in a ribboned cradle ;
Nobody saw him gasp or struggle,
Or box with his fists or crow or guggle ;
And none of his mother's friends said " There !
Did you ever ? I never. I do declare
You needn't be born with a taste for photos
To see that the child, from his tootsie-totos
To his sweet little damp little lips of coral,
Is — look at the pet — his Ma's own moral.
But his nose, when it 's formed, I think will rather
Remind us all of his blessed father ;
While, as for his eyes which are blue as blue,
They 're the child's own eyes and his ears are, too."
And never a nurse, as far as I know,
Said, " Bless him, he isn't one to pine, no,
Not he ; it 's a week since I weighed him last,
But he 's done so well, and he 's growed so fast,
That, law, you might a'most call him bloated,
And next week, sure, he must be short-coated."
He never sat in his chair and bubbled,
And his dear little temper was never troubled
With dust in his eyes or a safety pin
Stuck by mistake in his tender skin ;
And as to his teeth — you know that pest
Which robs us of all our lawful rest —
' I 'm game to wager a brand-new penny
That he didn't fret, for he hadn't any.
They never took him and washed his head
Or his body and legs with soap or borax ;
A window-pane was his simple bed,
And he hadn't a neck, but he had a thorax.
And, oh, he was jolly and fat and round —
You never saw such a fat round fellow —
With wings that buzzed with a booming sound,
And a body of black with a dash of yellow.
Whenever he wished to, out he flew
As fast as a car with a X horse-power,
And skimmed the bushes and drank the dew,
As he flitted and perched from flower to flower.
And when he was tired he flew again
Back to his bed on the window-pane.
He was never worried with A.B.C.,
He was never troubled with one two three
But he did what he jolly well liked, as free
As a Bumble-Bee-Boy is bound to be.
is faed for April
are now being raised. To
Legal Points
been madetothe
MARCH 1C, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
189
THE TERTIUM QUID.
"Do Ton KNOW, MABEL, I BELIEVE IF I WEREN'T HEBE, CAPTAIN SPOONEB WOULD ESS TOD."
" LEAVE THE BOOM THIS INSTANT, TOO MPEBTTNENT LITTLE BOT ! "
THE LAST GASP.
[A medical man, writing in one of the papers
on the bad ventilation of the House of Com-
mons, asks, " May not such a sonmolent and
unhealthy atmosphere account for many a bad j
argument, feeble speech, and faulty Act of
Parliament?" and suggests that the air of the
House is conducive to "cerebral anaemia,
inertia, and possible sudden death."]
WE M.P.s, we are blessed with a lot
That is dismal and sad and dejected ; '
We embark on a life
Of tempestuous strife
As soon aa we 're duly elected.
Could the public but view on the spot
The conditions we 're labouring under,
They would pity, not blame,
If our speeches sound tame,
Or the Acts that we pass seem to
blunder.
From the seats where Hibernians lurk
To the place of the ladies and strangers,
We 're compassed about
With a hideous rout
Of countless invisible dangers.
Quite apart from the strain of our
work,
Which, as everyone knows, is enor-
mous,
Each mouthful of breath
Is a possible death —
At least so the papers inform us.
In the face of these facts can yon blame
If we scarcely attain your ideal ?
(Not one of us knew
They existed, it 's true,
But the menace was none the less real.)
Spite of all, have we lowered our aim ?
If we've failed, has a man of us
faltered ?
But we 'd legislate soon
To a different tune,
If only the air could be altered.
HOME CUBED.
UNDER the heading " Spring Weari-
ness," the Daily Mail describes the
utter languor and prostration that
assails the run-down woman at this
season of the year, and informs those
who cannot afford a trip to the Riviera
like their richer sisters, but from force
of circumstances must remain in town,
that they will find [themselves mate-
rially strengthened and restored by
washing the face and hands. We should
like to add for the further benefit of
such sufferers that we have found the
occasional brushing of the hair, and
I even the cutting of the finger nails from
time to time, a wonderful remedy for
1 disorders of this description.
As an extreme resort in cases of "utter
| prostration the removal of the foot-gear
before retiring to bed will be found both
efficacious and inexpensive. Where
acute depression and ennui supervene,
a noticeable alteration in the style of
coiffure will stimulate the spirits and
add interest to the life of the most
dejected, the constitution often gaining
in tone and the nerves becoming re-
vitalised by a complete change of
hair.
" THE Polish contingent in the Russian
army," says a correspondent of the Times,
' " is limited to 15 per cent, of the
; whole." It is considered wise to distri-
bute them among various Regiments, the
mot d'ordre being " Poles asunder."
190
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 16, 1904.
FISHY!
Lady. " REALLY, MR. GDDGEON, YOCR FISH BEEMS TO GET DEARER EVERT WEEK ! "
Fishmonger. " WELL, MUST, WHAT CAN TOO EXPECT WITH ALT. THE R.US WE 'VE HAD ? "
HINTS FOR THE VERY YOUNG.
IN sudden cases of shock, such as
being confronted, without further
warning than the discomfort of a clean
robe, with paternal great-aunt or mater-
nal bachelor friend, it has been found
efficacious to contract the arms and legs,
stiffen the spine, contort the features,
open the mouth and hold the breath
till blueness of face supervenes. The
immediate and occasionally violent re-
moval of the apparition is ensured by
these simple tactics, and rapid return to
the nursery guaranteed.
The habit of screaming at a hovering
teaspoonful of dill-water cannot be too
strongly deprecated. The open throat
plays into the unscrupulous hands of the
operator and defeats its own ends. The
mouth may be left open after the last
protest, but the throat should be closed,
in order to allow the noxious fluid,
augmented with tears and dribbling,
to run out of the corners of the lips and
escape down the neck unperceived. In
the case of the nose being held, the only
remedy is to choke to suffocation, there-
by preventing any repetition of this
unsportsmanlike practice.
Regarding night-work it is always
advisable to retain the services of both
parents, paternal joggling forming a
pleasant variety to maternal swaying.
If eventually returned by heartless
paternal parent to cradle to scream at
will, the matter becomes one of endurance
merely, in which the Very Young in-
variably scores. When left to a nurse
a quiet and peaceful night may be
indulged in, training being wasted on
such a changeable commodity as nurses.
The early education of parents, however,
is emphatically recommended.
In the matter of bathing, when con-
ducted by a young mother, it is as well
to create a precedent while the experience
is fresh to both. It will be found a
helpful practice — apart from screaming
without pause and appearing to get the
eyes full of soap — to slip through the
uncertain hands into the deep water of
the basin. This manoeuvre, in spite of
personal inconvenience, not to say risk
from drowning, causes so much alarm
and agitation that there is always a
hopeful possibility of the bath being
discontinued for the future.
Protracted Addresses.
HOTEL proprietors are hereby warned
against printing too much information
on their note-paper. Faithfully repro-
duced by the innocent foreigner it has
been known to yield the following result,
as reported by a correspondent : —
— , Esq.
Caloriferes dans toutes
Les Chambres.
Lawn Tennis,
Hotel Verdi,
Rapailo,
Italy.
Mr. Punch's modesty would be
offended, if he were addressed, on tour,
as, Mons. Punch,
Central Heating.
Patronised by the Beat
American Families.
Vue Magnifique
Sur le lac,
Roosevelt Hotel,
Geneva.
The Cherub in the House.
TINTED, Nurse, after Easter, one child,
year old, willing to help in die house.
Yorkshire Post.
Sporting Youth (reading cricket news
at breakfast). I see TRUMBLE broke a foot
and was unplayable.
Nervous Mother. I do wish, Bertie,
you wouldn't read such distressing things
aloud at meals.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— MARCH 16, 1904.
CRUSHED AGAIN.
RIGHT HON. ST. J-HN BE-DR-CK (Author and Military Impersonator). " IT 'S ONE THING TURNING ME
OUT OF THE LEADING PART IN MY OWN PLAY, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO HAVING IT
COMPLETELY REWRITTEN • I 'VE A JOLLY GOOD MEND TO GO IN FRONT AND BOO."
MARCH 16, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
193
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM TUB DIARY OF Tonr, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, March 7
—The MEMBER FOB SARK has vivid
recollection, dating back to early man-
hood, of sitting enthralled through a
play called A Scrap of Paper. As far
as he remembers there was a sort oi
family cabinet council. Someone wrote
a dubious document round whose sus-
pected existence mystery brooded. At
last Mr. KEXDAL found it rolled up as a
spill in an ornament on the chimney-
piece, and there was the doose to pay.
As Jaques (not the Emperor of the
SAHARA) once said, "All the world's a
stage, and all the men and women
iniMvly players." To-night, by special
desire, A Scrap of Paper was staged
at the T.R., Westminster. Boxes full ;
pit crowded ; galleries thronged ; stand-
ing room only. Enter JOHN ELLIS ;
wants to know all about the Scrap of
Paper.
Story of play runs something like
this : At Cabinet Council held in August
the PREMIER, alleged villain of the piece,
went down to Downing Street with two
documents in his possession, one reposin
in left coat-tail pocket, the other disposei
of in the right. One, the bulkier,
declaring against Protection to the
length advocated by the Second Villain
(DoN JOSE), was, as in the course of the
play the First Villain airily remarks,
"published at a price that brought it
"Sombre-visaged, hard-voiced, implacable."
Mr. .J-lm Ell-s wants " a stream " of Ministers.)
THE WESTMINSTER LOUNGE AND THE WHITETBATEL \aa.
(The Burdett-Coutt* walk and its undoubted origin.)
Cotter. " Lor' lumme ! Ain't "e got the walk an' all ! ? Fancy them toffs a-himitating htis !
Wot wir the tilt of the 'at and the trousieB cut a bit saucy, blow'd if yer wouldn't 'ardly kiieow
us apart ! "
within reach of Liberal millionaires."
The other, the Scrap of Paper that gives
the play its name, flatly contradicted the
pamphleted MS., and declared in favour
of Preferential Tariffs.
JOHN ELLIS, sombre-visaged, hard-
voiced, implacable, wants to know where
a that Scrap of Paper ? By the great
Seavens above, by Styx rolling gloomily
through pathless wastes below, he
demands its production.
"JOHN ELLIS," said PRINCE ARTHUR
sotto voce, leaning his elbow on the
Treasury Bench as with head on one side
10 curiously watched the Member for
Nottinghamshire, " was born out of due
season. He is some centuries too young,
-le ought to have lived in days when
he Inquisition, to a certain extent, filled
he place of the London County Council.
Or better still, he ought to have been
he executioner. Yes, now I come to
think of it, one watching JOHN on
occasions like this subtly feels the un-
iccountable, and, if I may say so, the
unbecoming, absence of the mask and
,he axe."
PRINCE ARTHUR'S reverie interrupted
by call-boy. Promptly responding had
enthusiastic reception. Theatre audience,
especially the gallery portion, always
have sneaking affection for the villain
of the piece. Rarely on the .stage is
seen one so debonnaire, so guileless as
PRINCE ARTHUR, standing to-night at the
Table whilst crowded Opposition Bench
eagerly eyed him, and on back bench
sat JOHN ELLIS sharpening an invisible
axe on an imperceptible grindstone.
Nothing apologetic in bearing of the
accused. A casual observer not having
caught thread of the story might well
suppose that if anything had gone
wrong about a Scrap of Paper the
peccant person was seated on benches
opposite. The trend of PRINCE ARTHUR'S
glance, its severity when it fell upon
serene countenance of C.-B., suggested
that there sat the real villain of the piece.
As usual on these occasions PRINCE
ARTHUR'S manner was founded upon
that of the Walrus — not the companion of
Alice in Wonderland, but the one whose
habits were studied by the French poet:
Get animal est tres-mechant ;
Quand on 1'uttnque il so defend.
194
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.
[MARCH 16, 1904.
He hit out all round, not forgetting late
;olleagues below the gangway. But
ever he came back to the blameless C.-B.
Talking about speculations current at
period when the Scrap of Paper
first
luttered in Downing Street, speculations
culminating in assurance of break-up of
he Ministry, he observed, " ^™™ tlnH
>f suggested combination
Every kind
reached my
ears, though by the way I do not
remember that the name of the right
ion. gentleman opposite came into any
one of them."
A hit, a palpable hit. House roared
_n delighted mirth. JOHN ELLIS moved
uneasily at his grindstone. This most
rregular. PRINCE ARTHUR was, so to
speak, in the dock. Technically he was
there; but instead of whimpering for
mercy, promising repentance, or even
jndeavouring to explain away com-
promising matters, here ho was banging
;he jury on the head, butting the judge
in the stomach, utterly ignoring the
authority, and even the presence of the
tipstaff, selecting the most blameless,
supremely respectable looking gentleman
among the audience, and fixing upon
liim whatever guilt might attach to the
Scrap of Paper, whatever obloquy re-
sulted from its manipulation.
REMARKABLE COIFFURE IN THE PEERS' GALLERY.
(Lord Sp-nc-r's novel head-dress, or the strange
effect of winter gloves.)
Very little to do with the indictment.
But it is high comedy. Final touch
given by circumstance that whilst public
business is set aside, House seething
with excitement over personal incident,
DON JOSE, who created the situation, is
quietly enjoying himself under summer
skies, "leaving the anguish to us."
Business done. — Adjournment moved
by way of indicting PREMIER for conduct
in connection with throwing overboard
from Cabinet JONAH RITCHIE and JOHANNA
HAMILTON. Ministerial majority still
nominally over a hundred. Mustered
only sixty-five in defence of PREMIER
under charge he himself described
that of "jockeying his colleagues."
Wednesday night. — Mr. WHARTON, P.O.,
Director of North Eastern Railway,
Knight of Grace and of St. John of
Jerusalem, is thinking of retiring from
the business of statesmanship. To-day
perceived great opportunity ; seized
it by the hair, as they say at Boulogne.
Opposition, eager to make most of
Ministerial difficulties, had put up PIRIE
with motion deprecating language used
by certain of His Majesty's Ministers
advocating Preferential and Protective
Tariffs. This designed less with view
of declaring vote on Opposition benches
than with hope of catching Free Fooders
in Ministerial camp. At best they could
not vote against the motion, and Minis-
ters would have another bad majority.
Then WHARTON rose to full height,
which exceeds six feet. Determined to
save the Government. Characteristic
of a statesman who combines railway
directorship with Knighthood of Grace,
WHARTON bent upon compromise. If he
could frame amendment to PIRIE'S motion
so drafted as to provide a golden bridge
over which Unionist Free Fooders might
march into Lobby with their leaders,
surely they would gratefully accept it.
Took off his coat ; sat down ; bound
his knightly head in spotless linen cooled
in New River water ; seized a Knight of
Jerusalem's quill pen ; in half an hour
produced his masterpiece. Amendment
declared approval of "the explicit
declaration of His Majesty's Ministers
that their policy of fiscal reform includes
neither a general system of Protection
nor of Preference based on the taxation
of food."
"That'll fetch 'em," said the Knight
of Grace, wiping his Jerusalem pen on
the lining of his West-end frock coat.
Showed it to ACLAND-HOOD.
" Capital," said Ministerial Whip.
" The very thing," said PRINCE ARTHUR
when it was submitted to him.
When amendment appeared on Paper
painful discovery obtruded itself. As
on historic occasion GRAXDOLPH "forgot
GOSCHEN," so now the Knight of Peace
had forgotten the Chamberlainites
within the Ministerial fold. These
met, a hundred strong. Recognised in
amendment distinct, deliberate, public,
irrevocable chucking-over of DON JOSE.
Sent ultimatum to hapless PRINCE ARTHUR.
If amendment persisted in they would
vote with Opposition ; whereupon it was
the Government, not DON JOSE, who
would be chucked.
Nothing to be done but wipe out
WHARTON and his amendment. To-night,
when motion moved and seconded, open-
ing made for amendment, Opposition
jubilantly shouted " WHARTON ! WEAR-
TON!"
But WHARTON was not.
Business done. — On motion directed
against fiscal reform in direction of
Protection, Government majority run
down to 46.
Friday niglit. — DON CURRIE no longer
with us in the Commons. But he is not
forgotten. Memory lingers over the
vision of the alert, keen-visaged septua-
Mr. Ch-jil-n shows signs of boredom when Free
Trade doctrines are being uttered.
genarian flitting about the Lobby,
always with an armful of documents to
be considered, letters arrived by the
latest post. Everyone sorry to hear that
he is just now, contrary to lifelong
habit, taking it lying down. SARK
brings the latest news from the sick bed.
" Sir DONALD," so it runs, " is progress-
ing favourably. He is able to sit up for
a short time twice a day."
Something pathetic in that last sen-
tence. Known DON CURRIE pretty inti-
mately a score of years. Through that
period have observed it was his custom
to make other people " sit up," not
merely twice a day, but all day, or as
long as his transaction with them lasted.
That only in the way of business, when
Highland blood, ever keen at bartering,
manifested itself. In the relations of
private life there were revealed other
aspects of the Highlander — as generosity,
high courtesy, and a certain air of
chivalry.
DON CURRIE the kind of shrewd
business man, accustomed to handle
large affairs, who largely helps to form
backbone of Commons. He did not
often speak. Such men don't. But his
influence distinctly felt.
Business done. — Private Members'.
" THERE is an almost absolute absence
of news from the East." This is now
the accepted preface for the usual six or
eight columns of " War-news " in our
leading papers.
MARCH 16, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
195
196
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAKCH 16, 1904.
CRICKET REFORM.
(With acknowledgments to Mr. Gilbert
Jessop.}
Now that the Test Matches are over
and attention can be paid to cricket at
home, I should like to bring forward
a few points which have been omitted
from my contributions to the Daily
Mail, but upon which I feel very deeply :
they are all, I need hardly say, put forth
in the interest of cricket as a noble
spectacle.
SHOULD RAIN BE ALLOWED?
The recent Test Matches are in
themselves sufficient proof of the mis-
chief and havoc that can be wrought
in the king of games by a steady down-
pour. What the M.C.C. Committee
ought to do before anything else, is to
endeavour to come to some decision
with regard to rain.
Tenders for rain-stopping should be
invited from all the leading scientists,
such as MAXIM, EDISON, MARCONI and
H. G. WELLS. Unless something is done
cricket might as well be discontinued.
Over and over again the best batsmen
are dismissed for a round 0 or a mere
handful of runs, owing to the disastrous
effect of rain on the pitch. All wickets
should be plumb. In the event of the
experiments of the scientists failing,
every county ground should be supplied
with an umbrella large enough to cover
the whole pitch, without interfering
with the view of either spectators or
reporters. The umbrella's stick is the only
difficulty; but I have no doubt that
some device could be hit upon by which
the canopy could be held up. It might
be suspended from a captive balloon.
SHOULD POPULAR BATSMEN BE GIVEN Our?
Here we touch upon delicate ground.
But the fact remains that, under the
prevailing conditions, Englishmen who
have paid their money to see certain
batsmen perform are too often compelled
to leave the ground baffled of their
desire. That so many worthy persons
should be disappointed is surely a state of
things not contemplated by the original
compilers of the laws of the game. The
circumstance that cricket exists to amuse
spectators makes it of the highest import-
ance that a favourite performer should
have a full innings every time. To this
end I propose to deliver a series of
lectures to bowlers and fielders on the
principles of altruism, showing them
how the lowest, even a long-stop, may
contribute his mite towards the prolonga-
tion of a batsman's life when the happi-
ness of the greatest number demands it.
TUBES IMPERATIVE FOR BATSMEN WHO MAKE
DUCKS.
Probably no sight is more cheerless to
THIS IS NEITHER THE RUSSIAN NOB THE JAPANESE FlBET DURING A STORM; IT IS MERELY~A
VIEW or OUR NEIGHBOURS' ROOFS AND CHIMNEY STACKS THROUGH THE BAD PANE OF GLASS PUT IN
OUR TOMMY'S BEDROOM WINDOW THE OTHER DAY.
the spectators of cricket, and certainly
few experiences are more depressing to
the batsman, than the return to the
pavilion after failure to score.
In the foregoing paragraph I have
given my reasons for holding that blobs
or even short innings should be made
impossible ; but in default of that I am
persuaded that in as far as possible
mortification should be spared. To this
end I wish to revive an old project of
the present Colonial Secretary for an
underground passage from the wicket to
the dressing-rooms. To make this pas-
sage would be a very simple business.
The entry would be gained by an
ordinary man -hole just behind the
stumps at the pavilion end, and it would
need to be kept carefully closed until
wanted, in case the wicket-keeper fell in
at a critical moment.
The other end would be somewhere
well within the pavilion walls, to obviate
that most painful part of the whole
debacle, the ascent of the pavilion steps.
The tube would be lighted by electricity,
and there might perhaps be a writing
recesa in it, furnished with ink, pens
and paper, in which the batsman could
record for the morrow's paper his im-
pressions of the fatal ball while they
were still warm and vivid.
THE NEED OF GREATER FACILITIES FOR
CRICKETING-WRITERS.
That very necessary person the
cricketer-writer is confronted every day
by new obstacles, which I feel it my
duty to attempt to remove. For example,
suppose that CHARLES FRY has under-
taken to forward a column descriptive of
his innings, ball by ball, to the Daily
Half-Volley, and he is in for four hours.
It stands to reason that if he does not
begin his record until he is out he is in
danger of losing sight of the character
of some of the early balls : his perceptions
will be blunted ; lie will forget whether
he snicked this for three or cut that
for two; and his readers — the great
generous reading public for whom we
all toil — will be disappointed, if not
positively defrauded. What I suggest
therefore is that a five minutes' interval
be taken every quarter of an hour during
the day, in which all cricketers who
have journalistic engagements may jot
down their impressions. Few on the
field would be idle. I would suggest
that note books and telegraph forms be
compulsorily carried by the umpires —
several for every man, in case a literary
impulse overtook him. Only in this
way can cricket be properly written
about; and without writing] the game
falls to the ground.
THE CONTEMPLATIVE MAN'S
EXPENSES.
[" In the South it is no uncommon thing for
a club of twenty-five men to pay £1250 yearly
for the right of fishing in two or three miles of
stream. Considerations of that kind stimulate
the imagination . . ." — From " Trout Fishing,"
by W. Earl Hodgson (A. & C. Black).
Mr. Punch's imagination, all afire
with these golden "considerations," has
been projected into the future, and
rewarded with an impression of a few
items in the advertisement columns of a
sporting journal which will appear fifty
years hence.
Salmon. — To be Let immediately.
Splendid rock overlooking good spring
salmon beat in the North. Three feet
square, only twenty-five yards from
water. Tenant may cast from rock (fly
only) two days a week. £1000.
Trout Fishing.— Visitors to the Wild
Ass Hotel, Poddleton, have the privilege
of angling from the municipal bridge
over the Slosh, both sides. Terms, £3 3s.
a day, include fishing tickets.
Thames Fishing. — To Let, com-
modious Windsor chair in punt, com-
manding best gudgeon swim "in the
Thames, from June 16. Only £15
a week.
Irish Lakes. — First-rate trout fishing
may be had in Loughs Bog and Slough
MARCH 16, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
197
by staying at the Eringobragh Hotel.
Terms, with boat and boatman, a shilling
a minute.
Angling. — Every man his own fishery
owner ! Why go to Thibot for your
fishing when you can have it at home ?
Try our patent up-to-date trout lakes.
Can be affixed to any back garden. All
six,< s, from 100 1 - upwards. Also arti-
ficial india-rubber trout (open and abut
mouth, move fins and tail), equal to real
five-pound fish as in millionaire's pre-
serves. Every man his own millionaire.
Order at once from Messrs. CmiCK AND
CHANCIT, Fleet Street, E.G.
INTERCEPTED LETTERS.
MON CHER LEOPOLD, — Pour le moment
on me laisse tranquille. On nous dit
des injures a tour de r61e. Maintenant
c'est a vous. Sont-ils embetanta avec
leurs " atrocite's ! " Mais depuis long-
temps jo m'en fiche, et vous aussi sans
aucun doute. En effet ca ne doit pas
vous deranger le moins du monde si les
affaires marchent bien.
Cependant j'ai une bonne idee.
Voiiley.-vous quitter la Belgique et
(Icvriiir Pacha du Vilayet de Monastir?
Je vous offre ca de bon coeur. Vous
vous amuserez tres bien. Un peu de
seVerite d'abord, et puis on ne vous
derange plus. Vous aurez uue bonne
petite armee, un palais tres bien situe\
et surtout un grand harem. Un harem !
Pensez-y, mon cher. Rien de plus
agreablo.
Vous etes al!6 a Berlin rendre visite a
notre cher ami GUILLAUME. Avez-vous
obtenu quelques petites concessions?
II J'aut tou jours penser & ses petits
benefices. Un peu de bakchisch, hein ?
Ou est done le docteur CARL PETERS?
Jo vous dmine un bon conseil. Nommez-
li' Yirrn >i du Congo, car il sait gouverner
It's indigenes a merveille.
J'ai encore une petite idee. Pendant
que k's Itussrs so battent en Asi& — avec
qui que ce soil, ca m'est egal — je 'Mais
tiirluT de tranquilliser le Vilayet de
Monastir. J'ai un excellent systeme.
Tout sera arrange avant votre arrived.
Vous viendrez, j'en suis sur, car vous
ne ressemblez pas aux autres Giaours,
qui m'agacent en poussant toujours
leurs cris de Liberte, Egalite et Frater-
nite. Pour des Armeniena ou des
Congolais, bismillah !
Votre tout deVoue1, ABDUL.
Pourriez-vous me preter cinquante
mille francs ?
MON CHER ABDUL, -- Enchante" de
recevoir votre lettre. Vous etes si
aimable, mon cher ami. Quelle triste
chose que la vie ! Chacun est rasta, ou
snob, ou voyou, et il n'a qu'une idee,
celle de vous devaliser. C«st effroyable
pour un homme aussi pauvre que moi.
Les affaires ne marchent pas du tout.
II y a si peu de caoutchouc, aavez-vous,
et il y a tant d'imbeciles qui s'occupent
de cette petite industrie congolaise, et
a'ecrient centre ce qu'ila appellent
" 1 Csclavage." En Belgique il y a des
imbeciles qui d^testent le jeu. Par
consequent mon petit terrain :'i Ostende
ne rapporte rien. Les entreprises beiges
en Russie sont en baisse, ou en liquida-
tion. Rien ne va plus. Et par dessus
le marche on intente un proces centre
moi a Bruxelles meme.
Je voudrais bien me refugier quelque
part. Je deviendrais Roi de Mac^doine
tres volontiers, aavez-vous, mais le pays
n'est pas assez tranquille. Je aerais
ecrase, comme le fruit dans une mace-
doine. Tout ce que je desire c'est la
C'est vrai que vous n'avez pas le
Bosphore, maia voua devez avoir un lac
quelque part dans votro pare. Mais on est
rarement force1 d'aller aussi loin. Ordi-
nairement une bonne bastonnade suffit.
C'est dommage que vos affaires
marchent si mal. Moi je n'ai pas le sou.
Et cependant je tache de faire quelques
pet it oa Economies. J'ai une bonne ii 1< V.
.1 uUcudrai encore quelques mois, et puis
j'acheterai tout ce qui reste de la flotte
russe. C'est une chose qui mo manque.
Si vous n'avez pas cinquante mille
francs, voulez-vous me preter vingt
louis ? Votre tout deVoue',
ABDUL.
MON CHER ABDUL, — Je me sere d'une
carte postale. Qa coute moins cher.
i Vraiment je n'ai pas vingt louis a
IT IS THE UNEXPECTED THAT HAPPENS.
paix. Un petit nid sur la Cote d'Azur, !
un bon chef, un luxe de fleura, et •
quelques petitea femmes. Voil& tout ! ,
Avec dix millions de rentea je pourrais |
etre parfaitement content.
Malheureusement il m'est impossible '
de vous preter cinquante mille franca, i
Je auis presque a sec, et je n'aurai pas
de quoi payer lea frais de ce aacre
proces. Mais, aavez-vous, j'ai une pro- j
position & vous faire. Voulez - vous I
acheter 1'Etat du Congo ? Je le vendrai
tres bon marche. Vous pourrez y exiler
tous lea Arme'niena.
Votre ami aincere,
LEOPOLD.
MON CHER LEOPOLD, — Un procea centre
le roi ! C'est inoul. Si un Turc inten-
tait un proces centre moi ! Nous avons
depuis longtemps notre petit aysteme,
pour ceux qui ne sont paa contents.
Essayez-le. Envoyez chercher les plai-
gnants, les t^moins et les avocats, et faites
apporter dea saca. Voil^ votre affaire.
gaspiller. Mais ai voua de"sirez du
caoutchouc, j'en ai, aavez-vous, et de
premiere qualite. En groa je voua ferai
un petit rabaia.
Tout 4 voua, LEOPOLD.
FROM a local Bedford paper we learn
that " Professor PHINEAS J. MUBBS, of the
New York Board of Health, argues that
motoring is a cure for crime. ... It is
suggested that each resident of Dart-
moor Prison or Holloway ahall be allowed
to take a daily apin on a 50-h.p. car. It
ia certain that if this plan prevailed
many confirmed criminala would not be
aeen again in prison." Mr. Punch entirely
agrees as to the practical certainty of
their disappearance.
LITERARY Gossrp. — Meaara. GREENING
announce a new novel by Mr. WHITEINO,
a new edition of BROWNING, and a hiatory
of Reading.
198
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 16, 1904.
THE GOLDEN MEAN.
[Mrs. EARI.E has again been airing her views on diet in the National
Review.}
In my Surrey retreat I have found it most sweet to devote
my seclusion and quiet
To devise the best course to grow strong as a horse by a
diligent study of diet,
And as so much depends for oneself and one's friends on the
kind of the food that one swallows
It has seemed to me best that the world be possessed of the
little resume which follows
Don't be tempted to eat of the poison called meat, but eschew
such insidious dishes ;
If you 're wise you will scowl at the whole genus fowl, and
avoid all descriptions of fishes ;
Tea must never be had ; coffee 's equally bad ; cocoa 's worse,
for its action is quicker,
And of course I taboo any venomous brew which ia known as
intoxicant liquor.
Deadly danger I see in the pulse and the pea, and I cannot
be over-emphatic
In condemning most fruits and the tuberous roots, while
asparagus makes one rheumatic ;
Few and simple, say I, are the things which supply all our
bodily wants and our mental,
For we need nothing but a banana or nut, or an apple, an
orange or lentil.
Then, as well as the kind, it 's important, I find, to consider
how much should be eaten :
To avoid all excess is the rule I profess, and it 's one that can
never be beaten.
Do not gorge till you 're ill on the nuts of Brazil ; though the
lentils be ne'er so delightful,
Don't continue to eat when you once are replete, but abstain
ere you feel yourself quite full.
But while greed should be stopped don't be moved to adopt
the uncheerful ascetic demeanour ;
I det3st the poor soul who just toys with a roll and who daily
grows leaner and leaner ;
Eat your nuts with delight and a sound appetite — I 've a
liking for those who can grapple
With an extra Brazil or devour with a will a banana on top
of their apple.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
THERE is a pleasant flavour of good old-fashioned melo-
drama about Mr. MURRAY'S latest novel, V.C. (CHATTO AND
WINDUS). Nine out of ten writers, having the story to tell, would
have found situation and local colour in the war in South
Africa. Mr. MURRAY goes back fifty years to the time of the
Crimean War, episodes of which he introduces in vivid
aassages. The period thus remote, the stage is appropriately
:rodden by the dishonest father ; the gallant General, who,
having retired on a competency, is ruined by trusting the «- 0- —~*^o^
villain ; the proud impeccable son of the wicked father who ! situations there are none : but the
oves the daughter of the ruined General and breaks awav "
from his home to take the Queen's shilling. It is an old old
story, in some of its particulars dating as far back as the
Neweomes. M
up the volume
the influence of Sir WALTER SOOTT, which my Baronite finds
refreshing after a long meal of novels of the day. He goes
back to the Stuart period, and skilfully fills his canvas with
characters that might well have peopled Cheapside at the
time, or dwelt in the leafy streets of country towns. Un-
fettered by modern conventionalities his men and women
walk with free and easy stride. The hero, a foundling
apprenticed to a village blacksmith, comes across the beautiful
daughter of a neighbouring squire. Straightway he falls in
love with her, which was not surprising even "somewhere
about the end of the month of May in the year 1683," as the
date is alluringly fixed. Where the marvel comes in is that
Cynthia Gervase, with equal suddenness and completeness,
falls in love with the grimy blacksmith, sticks to him through
thick and thin, marries, and lives happily ever after.
Historical characters, King CHARLES, Judge JEFFREYS, and
CHRISTOPHER WREN among them, flit through pages aglow
with life and colour.
A Maid of Mystery, by L. T. MEADE (F. V. WHITE & Co.),
is a sensational romance that the Baron has no hesitation in
recommending to the attention of all those who, seeking
distraction from the cares and troubles of this extra-ordinary
mortal life, find their haven of rest in perusing an absorbing
sensational romance, as they sit in an old arm-chair cosily
placed in a warm corner. So far in praise of this story
in a general way, but the Baron, as he must needs be critical,
is compelled to admit that as to the originality of the idea he
has his doubts, unless of course the author has never read or
heard of Pauline, by ALEXANDRE DUMAS, one of the best
romances ever written, to which this present work bears a
certain very evident resemblance. Again, the Baron, unwill-
ing to interfere with the pleasure of those who have not yet
read the book, but representing the curiosity of those who
have, would like to be informed, First, who was Ishmael ?
Secondly, who attempted the crime which, had it succeeded,
would apparently have been a blunder ? Thirdly, what was
the secret of which Nurse Elton was all along in possession,
which she promised to reveal at the right moment, which
she was implored by the heroine to discover to her, but
which Nurse Elton kept so strictly to herself that even the
author may have merely a suspicion of its character ? The
title would have been more to the point if, instead of The Maid
of Mystery, it had been caUed TJie Nurse-maid of Mystery.
Cherry's Child (F. V. WHITE), by JOHN STRANGE WINTER, is
a puzzling story,— that is, to a mere man. By the superior
sex in petticoats it will be appreciated at its full value
Putting aside Boobs' I Baby, as one separates Piekicick
from all DICKENS s other works, this is, in the Baron's opinion,
the best of Mrs. STANNARD'S many novels. It is difficult
to understand the heroine or the two heroes,— which terms
are merely conventional as indicating the principal characters
of this story. And for this very
reason, therefore, it is life-like, THE
and, being so, the wayward con-
duct of the trio is, though interest-
ing, most irritating. Of dramatic
BARON
Mr. MURRAY tells it briskly, and no one takin"
16 will be inclined to mit it Hon-n till Vio roa,
dialogue is that of epigrammatic
comedy, except when it necessa-
rilydrops intothemerelyordinary. *
It will interest the "spindle-side," *
inclined to put it down till he reaches I Duttne "spear-side "will probably
\ 1 . - T}-,,. !i_ .U __ J j i Vi,-. ,-1 !,-.„ "j__l mi •/
L j. — i — «• «J*J-* im icciuiieo
3 not-too-distant end. My Baronite finds the master touch
n the incident of the repudiated swindling father going out
to the Crimea and tenderly watching over the sick bed of
the wounded son who had renounced him.
In David March (METHUEN) Mr. FLETCHER shows trace of
be disappointed. Thestoryisspun
out, and the material becomes
rather thin in the process.
MARCS 23, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
199
THE TROUBLES OF AN M.F.H.
U.F.H. (to stronger, idho[i» violently gesticulating to'hounds). " WHEN loo HAVK DONE rssorsa TOVS CH/CJT.IINS, SIR, PERHAPS ion WILL
ALLOW ME TO HUNT MY HOUNDS ! "
THE NEW ORDER?
[" Th* Ministers . . . such a lot of liars lie never came across." —
From a Northampton Oration.]
0 ICHABOD, the'glory has departed ;
The good old days have gone for "ever by,
When gentlemen of feeling would have smarted
Beneath the imputation of a ",lie."
Elieu fuyaces ! Tempora rmttantur !
Manners and'self-respect have grown antique,
When "lie " and " liar " pass for " genial banter,"
And Truth is sold for Qd. every week.
In those brave times this form of accusation
Was sugared over with a coat of tact,
And found a limit at " equivocation,";
Or " making statements contrary to fact."
Now, when the party-criers go a-crying,
Resentment seems an antiquated freak,
And anyone can dogmatise on lying
Who values Truth at 6rf. every week.
Here we have men of sound respectability,
Good, worthy men, advisers of the Crown,
Who bear the blow with undismayed tranquillity,
And take the name of " liar " lying down ;
Mutely they sit, and nurse their injured feelings ;
Silenced by one who claims a right to speak,
Born of a long experience of dealings
In Truth— as soldjor Qd, every week.
Will they not rise, and trample down the lie-word ?
Can nothing rouse them from their dull repose ?
Would they become a scandal and a byword
Rather than punch his head or pull his nose ?
Is it a sense of guilt, or love of quiet, or
What can it be that makes them slow to wreak
Vengeance on the accusing Impropriator
Of Truth— sweet T)-uth— at 6d. every week ?
Ah, no. Sleep on, sleep on till labour ceases,
Sleep through the night, with honour free from stain
It 's only LABBY, no one minds what he says ;
Nobody answers LABBY back again.
LABBY is always saying something funny,
But says it when his tongue is in his cheek ;
LABBY 's a cynic ; why, he makes his money
By selling Truth a"t 6d. every week ! Dun-Dan.
200
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAKCH 23, 1904.
SMUTS ON THE SITUATION;
OR, THE "DEVIL'S ADVOCATE."
[" There burns in the Boer mind a fierce indignation against thii
sacrilege of Chinese importation — this spoliation of the heritage fo
which the generations of the people have sacrificed their all." — Publi«ke<
letter of Advocate J. C. SHUTS, of Pretoria. N.B. — Since Chinesi
labour is only destined for the mines, a field of energy which has nevei
attracted the Boer himself, it would seem that Mr. SHOTS in the above
passage is merely advocating the cause of the Kaffir as against that o
the Oriental. There must be a mistake somewhere.]
A BREAST with brazen corset trebly fitted,
And a superb capacity of jaw,
Needs must he have who lets himself be pitted
Against a Dutch Interpreter of Law ;
But he should be one stolid mass of gristle,
Tough as Brazil's impenetrable nuts,
Who dares to cope with your expert epistle,
Advocate SMUTS !
You view, I see, with undisguised aversion,
Bred of the faith that fires a patriot's blood,
Your precious country's probable immersion
Beneath a putrid stream of Pagan mud ;
You see her heritage — the obvious fruit of
Your sires' sublime contempt for worldly ease —
Wrung from its rightful lords, and made the loot of
Heathen Chinees !
But what (inform me) was the actual juncture
At which your parents ceased to plough the land,
And lent their estimable thews to puncture
The hollow shafts that permeate the Rand ?
I always thought they entertained a rooted
Distrust of dirty lucre's devious tracks,
And found their exploration better suited
To sinful blacks !
Misled by some Uitlandish ANANIAS,
I fancied you abhorred that hellish toil,
Content, by processes that passed for pious,
To pocket, indirectly, half the spoil ;
While he, the godless nigger (so I gathered)
Sought to elude, inside those pits of sin,
Your Christian sjambok which would else have lathered
His sable skin.
Now lifted up with bellicose elation,
Puffed out with perquisites, and blown with beans,
He looks on labour as an occupation
Unfitted to a gentleman of means ;
Posed loosely, in a careless state of coma,
Upon his torpid back or turgid turn,
He lies enveloped by a rich aroma
Of plug and rum !
Si^n *ie soil that drank our tears an(* treasure
That Promised Land, our Paradise of Earth,
TD^8 *° Walt Up°n hfe Highness' pleasure—
Wait till the brute resumes his ancient girth ?
Oan it be he, I ask, and not another,
Whose stolen heritage your bosom stirs ?
Is it, in fact, to him as man and brother
Your note refers ?
Do you protest against imported labour,
And mention sacrifices made in vain '
Sffiriv because you hope your Kaffir neighbour
Will, by-and-by, consent to work again ?
^ y not Plumb these deep forensic levels
.But ail my native commonsense rebuts
bare idea that you 're that lazy devil's
Advocate, SMUTS ! Q. S.
LITTLE ARTICLES BY GREAT MEN.
JAPAN'S NAVAL PLANS.
(After Rear-Admiral INOL-S, Expert to tlte " Daily Telegraph")
THE immortal spirit which inspired our old-time Admirals
has passed into the minds of the Japanese naval officers.
The names of BLAKE and RODNEY are as familiar and as dear
to them as their own naval heroes HUIYOMONO and MATSU.MAI.
Can I ever forget how a little Jap torpedo - destroyer
once sprinted out of Nagasaki and hailed me through the
megaphone. The words seemed at once familiar and
unfamiliar — " DRAKE ewor a devil man." For a moment I was
puzzled, till at last it flashed upon me that to greet an
English friend the Japanese officer was quoting NEWBOLT'S
immortal poem "DRAKE he was a Devon man." Courtesy
and devotion — those two words sum up the Japanese Navy.
I recall with mingled feelings of grief and pride the
conduct of a Japanese sub-lieutenant whom I entrusted to
superintend the coaling of my ship. I said, "Keep the ship
clean — as little dust as possible." He threw a wreath of iris
flowers on my head, and placed his hand on his heart.
Judge my surprise the next day when on returning to the
ship I found the coaling operations only just begun. On
going to watch the coolies at work I found that they were
taking the coal aboard in parcels made of rice pap'er. I
called the sub-lieutenant to me and hinted that though this
was cleanly it was unbusinesslike. He bowed low before my
reproof and returned to superintend the coaling. When it
was completed I received a little note, " Miserable servant has
spilt abominable coal-dust on honourable decks, and there-
fore has committed hara kairi in stately top coal bunker."
Alas, it was only too true.
To show the spirit of the ordinary sailors I may relate a
little incident. Once upon my birthday we were anchored
off Hakodate, and in honour of the occasion I asked all hands
to splice the main-brace in sake. As I sat in my cabin I
could hear the clatter of the chop-sticks in the lacquer bowls,
and it warmed my heart to think that the men were happy!
When I went on deck an hour later I was surprised to see
carved images of myself in all parts of the ship. They had
sent off a shore-boat for a cargo of turnips, and with the
artistic ingenuity which every Jap possesses had whittled
them into admirable busts of their loved commander. My
side whiskers were realistically represented by rope yarn.
Two. of these artistic trophies, preserved in pickle, now
decorate my drawing-room.
Nor were the women backward in welcoming their English
Jiends. One night at a tea-house six of the most renowned
Oreishas m Japan entertained us. The dance was a novel
one to me, and it was some time before I understood that it
represented the manoeuvres of a fleet, and that the most
beautiful Geisha who stood fan-waving in the centre was
supposed to be my humble self. On emerging from the tea-
house I went to seek the boots which, in accordance with
Japanese usage I had left at the threshold. Imagine mv
delight when I found that the laces had been removed and
that in each lace-hole had been placed a different coloured
chrysanthemum. It was with proud yet awkward steps that
1 made my way to the jinrikisha in waiting
-Hogging is unknown in the Japanese Navy. Small
offences I used to punish by making the offender carry a fan
English pattern._ For mutiny and murder I generally
sentenced the criminal to wear a top-hat when on duty
This saved me the trouble of passing d^ath-sentences, for the
Cl llllinals invnrip hKr rJi^^^^U^ n^ j ,-1
themselves
^Ml^'JB'P^^"^'1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MARCH 23, 1904.
J}c-ni<irc| •prfn
TWO OF A TEADE,
THE RIGHT HON. J-S-PH CH-MB-RL-N (on Ms way back through Italy, addressing Vesuvius). " CALL YOURSELF A
VOLCANO ? YOU WAIT TILL I GET HOME ! "
MARCH 2? 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
203
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIAKT or TOBT, M.P.
House of Lords, Monday, March 14. —
Of all ebullitions of human ecstasy mm
mend meto thespectaclc of YomngWBCXM
addressing the House of Lords. With
some of us memory goes back to period
before he succeeded to the earldom,
when, as Lord ELCHO, he sat in the
Commons and instructed us. At that
time there was, perhaps, predominant
feeling of mingled resentment and bore-
dom. During early years of House
elected in 1880 he occupied seat on
Front Bench below Gangway. This
gave him opportunity, when orating,
of standing well out on the floor and
shaking his fist at Mr. GLADSTONE.
Had he been still with us, a Commoner,
he would, but for technical difficulty,
have been Father of the House. He
took his seat as Member for East
Gloucestershire sixty-three years ago.
As far as I know no contemporary of
that far-off period, which found PEEL in
the plenitude of his power, sits in the
House to-day. Unseated in East
Gloucestershire in 1846, he was a few
months out of the House, being in 1847
elected for Haddingtonshire, a constitu-
ency he represented for thirty-six years.
But the interval, according to the rule,
moved his record forward to the year
1847. A Member to establish his claim
to Fathership of House must have sat
uninterruptedly for a period going back
to the furthest year.
But 1847 would have served. BEACH,
the late Father, killed in hansom cab
accident, did not enter House till 1857.
In ELCHO'S case question never arose.
In due course he was called to House of
Lords, where he renewed his youth like
the eagle.
Standing to-night at the Table, having
" You 're not old, Father William ! " the young man said,
" And you 've made us a deuce of a name ;
You '11 be terribly missed from the House yon have led —
Well, I 'm glad you were here when I came."
(Mr. " Lulu " H-rc-rt, the new Member for Rossendale, was introduced by his father,
Sir W-ll-m H-rc-rt and Mr. H-rb-rt Gl-dst-ne, March 17.)
WEMTSS."
requisitioned Front Bench below Gang-
way for multitudinous memoranda, he
moved for a commission " to inquire in to
and report upon the present state and
prospects of our trade, and whether
any change in methods is needed in
furtherance thereof." Possibly of all
Peers it is only Young WEMYSS who
would have the audacity in existing
circumstances to move this resolution.
It will be perceived it ignores the fact !
that at this moment (though we don't
hear so much of it as we did) there is
sitting a Royal Commission appointed ;
under the seal of DON JOSE Rex charged
with this very inquiry.
Young WEMYSS bent upon making a
speech is not to be deterred by little
considerations of that kind. Brushing ;
it aside as if it were of no consequence,
he chatted along for a full hour by
Westminster clock. For all purposes
leading to elucidation of the subject, or
to conversion of his audience, he might
have gone on for another hour or two. j
Usually addresses House from cross :
benches, a position that recommends
itself to modest youth from its central
commanding position and its resemblance
to a pulpit. Moreover, a speaker rising
thence has in full view the inspiring:
majesty of the LORD CHANCELLOR on the
Woolsack.
Some years ago, when his present
Majesty was still Prince of WALES, and
in his accustomed seat at the corner of
the front cross b?nch, Young WEMYSS, [
holding forth in ecstasy from the second •
bench behind, nearly knocked off the
royal topper with swing of red right
hand. Since then fought shy of the
place. Opportunity of addressing Peers
from the table is reserved for Ministers
and ex-Ministers ; unofficial Peers speak
from their place wherever they chance
to sit. These arbitrary distinctions are
trifling. If Young WEMYSS thinks it
more consonant with his personal pre-
eminence to speak from the Table he
will do so, even as he would address the
House from the Woolsack if he thought
it would be for its moral and intellectual
benefit.
I call it a speech in deference to con-
ventional habit. It vras really a soliloquy,
a luxurious wandering over lush pastures
rich with the merits, the wisdom, the
infallibility of the Ninth Earl of WEMYSS,
joyaunce here and there saddened by
lament that wilful mankind, led by
Trades Unions and other weak inventions
of the enemy, are apt to turn a deaf ear
to his counsel.
For a youth in his eighty-sixth year,
still in the status of bridegroom, it was
a marvellous tour de force. The con-
tinual effort of walking to and fro
between the table and the bench which
his papers appropriated amounted to a
healthy stretch. Fortunately Young
WEMYSS did not in this exercise over-
heat himself. Each tune that he reached
the bench in the course of these many
excursions, he turned his back on
expectant House, looked up his refer-
ences leisurely as if he were in his
library, sauntered back, shook porten-
tous forefinger at Lord LANSDOWNE, mur-
mured " My Lords " in warning voice,
and went off at new tangent.
204
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 23, 1904.
Business done. — In Lords none. In
Commons debate on Education arose
on Vote on Account.
House of Commons, Tuesday. — Rumour
current that SWIFT MAcNEiLL has been
"sent for." Some authorities add that
in forming his Cabinet he has named
REDMOND cadet Lord President of the
Council " on account of his deportment."
It is added FLAVIN will be Foreign
Secretary " on account of his accent."
Don't believe a word of it. Idle
rumour based on nothing more substan-
tial than fact that when, just now,
Ministers were beaten in the Division
Lobby, SWIFT MAC\ KILL made more noise
than any three of his compatriots bawling
in unison. " Moreover than which "
there is no vacancy for a new Premier.
Ministers haven't resigned and don't
mean to. Sucli virtuous constitutional
practice as resignation in analogous cir-
cumstances all very well for mere Liberals.
Unionists stand on higher platform.
Admittedly the circumstances are
from outside point of view precisely
parallel with what took place on June 21 ,
1895. House then in Committee of
Supply; reduction of vote moved in order
to indict War Office for neglect to supply
arsenals with sufficient stock of cordite. '
No crisis anticipated ; no sign of excite-
ment. C.-B. on Treasury Bench in
charge of votes looked sleepily around,
wondered when they 'd cut the cackle
and come to the vote. Members strolled
out languidly to Division Lobby ; came
back to leap into frenzied excitement on
learning that Government had been
defeated by majority of seven.
There parallel abruptly terminates.
C.-B. promptly acceded to proposal to
report progress. House adjourned. On
resuming on the Monday — the blow fell
on a Friday — announcement was made in
both Houses that Ministers had placed
their resignation in the hands of Her
MAJESTY. It had been accepted, and
there an end on't.
This afternoon Unionist Ministry
were defeated by majority which, though
small, was more than fifty per cent, in
excess of that which wrecked the
ROSEBERY Administration. PRINCE ARTHUR,
casually strolling in, was met by
demand to report progress. Has suffered
much of late at hands of unreasonable
gentlemen opposite. They have wanted
to know all about the Scrap of Paper ;
they have insisted upon being informed
as to minutest details of what they call
the "jockeying " of RITCHIE and GEORGIE
HAMILTON out of Cabinet ; they have
insisted upon mastering niceties of
difference between Retaliation and DON
JOSE'S scheme of fiscal reform. These
things have been suffered, not gladly,
but with certain heroic patience.
This last eccentricity goes a step
too far. PRINCE ARTHUR gazed on the
excited throng before him with icy
stare that would chill any but those
born with Celtic blood. He beheld
SWIFT MACNEILL bobbing about on the
bench like a pea in a hot frying pan.
He saw REDMOND cadet elate with
memory of having waved somebody
else's hat when the figures of the division
vere announced, and so saved his own
from wear and tear. He, found RED-
MOND aine on his feet, with something
more than customary of portentous
manner, moving to report progress.
Has heard about madness besetting
hares in this month of March. Surely
the mood is contagious and has gripped
mankind. Why report progress ?
Nothing lias happened except that Irish
Members, cutting off their nose to spite
their face, have reduced their Education
vote by the sum of £100. The storm
rnges round him, but moves him not.
Danger is passed ; the twenty minutes
that have sped since hostile division was
„" Sir Wm. H-rc-rt and I have not always seen
eye-to-eye." — Lord Roaebery.
(Our Artist rather fancied they had ! )
taken have brought in reinforcements.
Committee again divides ; this time on
question to report progress. Strongest
Ministry of modern times — it still boasts
a nonnal majority of overa hundred and
has just been placed in a minority of
eleven — retrieves fortune and records a
majority of twenty-five.
Business done. — Government defeated.
" It 's of no consequence," says Mr.
TOOTS BALFOUR; and business proceeds
as if nothing had happened.
Friday night. — Been a good deal of
talk during the week about Passive
Resisters. Quite time they had a look
in at Westminster. Among doubtless
unpremeditated consequences of DON
JOSE'S setting heather afire with torch
of Protection is the fact that some thou-
sands of estimable people, who have
varied monotony of obscure lives by
going to prison rather than pay Educa-
tion rate, have found the newspapers with
no room for enlarging on their case,
whilst Parliament has never heard of it.
" What is the first recorded case of
Passive Resistance ? " the MEMBER FOR
SARK asked as we talked this matter
over.
" Give it up."
" Why SHADRACH, MESHACH, ABEDNEGO
nnd the Fiery Furnace. Overhaul the
Wollum, as Cap'en CUTTLE used to say,
and you'll find how singularly close,
in the spirit if not in the letter, are two
series of events happening in Babylon
under King NEBUCHADNEZZAR and in
England under His Most Gracious
Majesty King EDWARD THE SEVENTH."
Business done. — Private Members'.
THE CRY OF THE FLAT FISH.
[Lord ONSLOW'S Bill " to provide against the
destruction of undersized flat fish " is engaging
the attention of a Select Committee of the
Upper House.]
MY Lords, whose sober counsels curb
The zeal of frenzied nations,
Be not annoyed that we disturb
Your calm deliberations.
The tribe of Pleuronectidse
(Salute the voice of science !)
Approach as suppliants : their plea
Defence and not defiance.
While England boasts her azure wall,
The billows that surround her,
She dare not disregard the call
Of turbot, plaice and flounder.
" Not on thy sole "—you know the rest,
But let the trite quotation
Stand while the race of soles protest
Against extermination.
Our elders, patient and content,
Their pound of flesh surrender ;
Shylock himself must needs relent
Towards the young and tender.
Let full-grown fishes feel the smart
Of human persecutions :
But do not play the coward's part,
To war with Lilliputians.
Reflect that such untimely fate
Is j ust the way to spoil us ;
0 let us grow to man's estate
Before you catch and boil us.
Belov'd of coster and of cat
With well-deserved affection,
Weak, harmless, undersized and flat,
We crave your kind protection !
THIS advertisement —
WANTED, for small family, single-handed
Butler. — Address, &c., &c.
— quoted from a weekly newspaper, sug-
gests another form : —
TK7ANTED, for small family, one-legged Foot-
' ' man to assist single-handed Butler. —
Address, DOUBLE DUMMY, Whistcliff.
MARCH 23, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
205
WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST.
Little Brown. " BEEN ROTE TO YOU, HAS HE ? I "LL SOON SETTLE I Apparition (appearing from behind hedge). " AND MAY I ABBK WOT
HIM." I YOU WANT WITH MY LITTLE BoY, Gfv'NOR ? "
TABLOID TRAGEDIES.
(Bomnliaed from the Best British Barda for Music-Hatt purposet.)
A CLASSIC IN A CAPSULE !
NOTICE. — These tabloids are specially recommended by Professor
CECIL RAI.EIOH, M.D. (Melo-farcical Dramatist), each tabloid being
warranted to contain all the essential parts of a Five-Act Drama.
They take no more than fifteen minutes to act, and will therefore be
found a great boon by Playgoers who are in the habit of dining too
heiivily to digest strong dramatic fare with comfort. As all Poetrv,
Philosophy, and other innutritions elements have been carefully
eliminated from our preparations, we can guarantee that they involve
no strain whatever upon the weakest intellect.
TABLOID No. I.— HAMLET, PRINCE OF DENMARK.
SCENE I. — Elsinore. A platform before the Castle. Moonlight
effect. HAMLET and HORATIO discovered.
Hamlet. Yes, HORATIO, you were ever my Boyhood's Friend,
and, as such, I put it to you whether, seeing that but two
short months have elapsed since the funeral obsequies of
my Royal Father, I am not justified in considering my
Mother's nuptials with my Uncle CLAUDIUS decidedly pre-
mature under the circumstances ?
Horatio (diplomatically^. I must frankly confess that the
Court has gone out of mourning within an unusually short
time. And, while we are upon this subject, are you aware
that a spirit, bearing a remarkable resemblance to your late
lamented father when in full armour, has been recently
observed in this locality ? I have myself been an eye-witness
of the phenomenon, and it would not altogether surprise me
were it to appear this evening — in fact, here it comes !
Enter the Ghost of HAMLET'S father to weird music. Exit
HORATIO.
Ghost. HAMLET, I am the spirit of your late father. The
report that I was stung to death by a serpent in an orchard
was not entirely accurate. The serpent in question was no
other than your uncle CLAUDIUS, who poured corrosive sub-
limate into my ear while I was enjoying a siesta. I leave it
to you to avenge this unnatural conduct. Farewell !
[Vanishes.
Ham. (aside). Then it was my uncle after all ! Strange- —
I but I always had my suspicions of him ! It now becomes
my painful duty to exact amends for the murder of my
father. "Twere best to begin by affecting madness, for thus
shall I escape legal responsibility for my actions. (To
| HORATIO, who re-enters) Should you hereafter observe anything
at all eccentric in my demeanour, pray do not attach any
importance to it !
Hor. I will not, my Lord.
[They walk off together. Change to : —
SCENE It. — A Eoom of State in the Castle. At back, a
curtained arch, behind which is a fit^up stage. On
the R. hangings of arras. PoiONius and OPHELIA
discovered.
Polonius. And so, my daughter, you have of late noted a
falling off in the marked attentions paid you by Prince
HAMLET ? Let me recommend you to bring him to the point
by demanding his intentions.
Ophelia. Father, I will follow your advice to the best of my
206
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 23, 1904.
ability. (Enter HAMLET, feigning madness.) Am I to under-
stand, my lord, that
Ham. You are. I never loved you, and the best thing you
can do is to retire to the nearest nunnery. POLONIUS, I know
you well — you are a fishmonger, and a tedious old fool.
That cloud has the back of a weasel, but is very like a whale.
Pol. (to OPHELIA). His intellect is obviously deranged.
Come away, my child. [Exit with OPHELIA, who weeps.
Ham. (to himself). "Tis now high time that I set about
seriously avenging my father — and yet, after all, is it abso-
lutely certain that the ghost was telling me the truth ? Should
I not be acting rashly in placing implicit reliance upon the
unsupported assertion of a shadow ? If I could but convince
myself of my uncle's guilt ! (Enter the Players.) Ha ! who
are these? I remember now — they must be the touring
company who have been commanded to give a theatrical
entertainment in the Castle this evening. An idea occurs
to me — what if I ? (To the Players) Welcome, ladies
and gentlemen — do you happen to have any piece in your
repertoire in which one of two brothers murders the other?
First Player. We have, my lord, but we have not performed
it for so long that we are become somewhat fluffy in the
dialogue.
Ham. No matter — I will write in some extra business.
Follow me, and we will run through it together immediately.
(To himself) The play will do the trick ! Should my Uncle
be the culprit, his guilty conscience will infallibly cause him
to give himself away. Then I shall know where I am !
[Exit with Players. A pause. Then enter POLONIUS with
KING and QUEEN.
Pol. For myself, I have no doubt whatever that HAMLET is
in a state closely bordering on lunacy.
King Claudius. If so, he must be placed under medical \
superintendence. It is quite possible that he may be
harbouring designs against our person. Should an oppor-
tunity occur I shall be obliged by your concealing yourself
behind the arras here, so as to overhear his remarks.
Pol. I will certainly do so on the first convenient occasion
— but I observe that, just now, the private theatricals are
abo\it to commence.
[Flourish of trumpets ; enter the QOEEN and Court, also
HAMLET and OPHELIA. They take their seats for the
performance.
Ham. (to the KING). I can promise you an excellent good
show — though I cannot of course tell how the piece may
happen to strike you.
[The curtains of the arch are drawn. A Player is seen
dropping poison from a bottle into the ear of a sleeping
Player King.
King (rising). Stop the play ! This is not a fit subject for
representation on the stage !
[He goes out hastily. Commotion — amidst which the stage
is gradually cleared of everyone except the QUEEN,
HAMLET and POLONIUS.
Ham. (to himself). After this, I can no longer doubt that
the Ghost's account was accurate in every particular. And
yet I don't quite see my way to avenge him. (To the QUEEN)
Mother, may I request a word with you in private ?
Pol. (to himself). Now is my chance to conceal myself
behind the arras ! (To QUEEN) Madam, will you permit me
to retire ?
Queen (after POLONIUS has retired behind the arras). Well,
HAMLET, what is it now ?
Ham. I should like to know what could have induced you
to marry such a hopeless outsider as my uncle, so utterly
inferior as he is to my father in everv possible respect ? . . .
What is that behind the arras? *It must be a rat — and
a rat is an animal that I cannot endure ! (Draws his sword
and thrusts, then parts the hangings, and drags forth the
body of POLONIUS.) Only POLONIUS ! My mistake entirely.
I was under the impression it was the KINO. (To himself)
So it seems my distasteful task still remains to be performed.
But I will do it — some day. [Exit.
Ophelia (enters). I have but just now encountered my
lord HAMLET — his manner was most peculiar. (Sees body of
POLONIUS.) What do I behold? My father! A corpse — and
slain by HAMLET'S hand ! (She goes mad.) Ha-ha-ha ! he made
a good end — We may call it herb-grace o' Sundays ! They
say the owl was a baker's daughter. Good-night, sweet lady !
[Exit.
Queen (to herself). I have a strange presentiment which
I cannot shake off, as if some evil were impending !
Enter KINO, deeply moved.
King. A most regrettable event has just transpired. The
lady OPHELIA has rashly terminated her existence in a trout
stream.
Queen. I am more sorry than surprised at this intelligence.
HAMLET has slain her father, so it is but natural that the
shock should have turned her brain. [Exit, depressed.
King (to himself, with remorse). This is indeed a most un-
fortunate occurrence ! I feel as if my sin were beginning
to find me out !
Enter LAERTES, furious.
Laertes. I have just been informed that my father is slain
and OPHELIA drowned. Villain ! you shall answer to me
for this !
King. It was no fault of mine. HAMLET is the party who
is really responsible. But I can show you how you may
have your revenge upon him. See, here are foils. I will
remove the button from one and poison the point. {He does so.)
We will get up a fencing match between you and HAMLET
to amuse the QUEEN, and, should you by any chance fail
to pink him with the foil, I will drop something into this
cup which will effectually settle his business (poisoning a
property flagon). And now to clear away the corpse of POLONIUS,
summon HAMLET, and invite the QUEEN and Court to witness
the proceedings ! (A pause. Enter QUEEN and Court, HAMLET
and HORATIO.) HAMLET, LAERTES here is anxious to try his
j skill at fence with you. I have kid long odds that you
' will come off best.
Ham. Uncle, I fear that you will lose your money. (To
LAERTES) Deeply attached as I was to your unhappy sister,
and profoundly upset as I am by so sad a loss, I feel that
I cannot, as a gentleman, decline to meet you in a friendly
bout with the foils.
[Music ; business of selecting foils, <tc. They play.
Queen. Stop ! HAMLET is out of breath. Let there be an
interval for refreshments. (Takes the poisoned flagon.) HAMLET,
I look towards you. [She drinks.
King. GERTRUDE! Not that! NottTwi/ (To himself) Too
late ! She has already imbibed a dose sufficient to be fatal
to ten ordinary horses !
Laertes (after securing the unbuttoned foil, aside to
KING). My lord, he will be done for this time ! (To HAMLET)
Come on ! [They play ; LAERTES wounds HAMLET.
Hor. A hit !
[In the scuffle they change rapiers, and HAMLET
wounds LAERTES.
Laertes. I have received my quietus and am justly
punished for my abominable treachery ! HAMLET, you have
not half an hour to live— the blade was poisoned. It was
the KING'S idea. Forgive me. [Dies.
Queen. I am not feeling at all well. I fear the drink must
have been doctored by somebody. Oh ! [Dies.
Ham. (to KING). So, traitor, this was your fell work, was
it? At least, ere I depart to that bourne from which no
traveller (with the possible exception of my lamented father)
has ever yet been known to return, I will have the sombre
satisfaction of despatching you before me in that direction.
MARCH 23, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
207
Take that— and that ! (Stabs Kixo, who
dies.) Father, dear Father ! at last thou
art avenged ! HOIIATIO, adieu— if you
love me, keep this scandalous affair
from getting into the local papers.
[Dies.
Hor. (to himself). 'Twill be no easy
matter to hush up such a series of
appalling catastrophes in high life ! But
I will see what I can do with the Editor
of the Court Circular.
(Curtain.) F. A.
HOW TO SPEND A HAPPY EVENING;
OR, MB. PUNCH'S ANTIDOTE TO MUSICAL
COMEDY.
BY way of counteracting the deplorable
frivolity of the age and stimulating the
; intellectual efficiency of the nation, Mr.
| Punch, never unready to improve on
j las contemporaries, has decided to insti-
i tute a series of Literary Competitions
for the young, specially suited to the
requirements of the present crisis in
our educational system. Virtue being
its own reward, and the bestowal of
an honorarium on one person being
notoriously calculated to excite iealousy
and disappointment amongst unsuccess-
ful competitors, Mr. Punch has resolved
to abstain from offering prizes, especially
as these competitions are designed to lead
back to a strenuous life those persons
whose idleness is the fruit of affluence.
(A). Construct a sonnet, the lines in
which shall end with the following
rhymes : — - Duke
— doze
— disclose
— rebuke
snook
noae
-ROSE-
— forsook
— authority
motion
majority
• devotion
retaliation
— explanation.
(B).~[Put into the Parliamentary lan-
guage of the House of Commons the
following : —
"You may say that is 'only Pretty
FANNY'S way,' but if these are the expres-
sions of a gentleman speaking under
great heat and provocation — I say that if
a man cannot curb his tongue better
than that, 'Pretty FANNY' should not be
First Lord of the Treasury."
(C). Translate into Hebrew the follow-
ing paragraph : —
" No one can say that we are an irre-
ligious people so long as church parade
is so well patronised as on last Sunday.
Lord and Lady LIONEL LONGMIRE were
among the earliest visitors, and Lady
CORNERSTONE looked lovely in a plum-
A DISCORD.
H«. "Hi! ABSDBD THINGS THOSE 'BATTLEDOBE BALLADS.' EH! WHAT?"
She. " I 'M SOBRY TOD THINK so — MY SISTES WBOTE THEM ! "
He. "En — OF OOCBSE I DON'T MEAN TUB WOBDB — THEY 'BE BIPPIS'. I MEAN THB maw — POOR
STDFF — SPOILS WORDS — COMPOSER ODQHT TO BE JDOKED— WHO WBOTE IT ? "
She. "I DID ! ! ! " [Awkward silence.
coloured gaberdine. Mrs. SALMON was
with Miss GLADSTONE. The Marchesa
PIETRA D'ORO came in a bath chair, and
the congregation also included Mr. and
Mrs. SOLLY-MANN, pretty Miss DE LA ZAHUS,
and Sir JOSEPH and Lady LEESON-LOWE."
(D). Reduce within the bounds of
probability the following letter : —
To tlie Editor of the "Daily — — ."
SIR, — I congratulate you heartily on
the splendid stand that you are making
in your paper for sanity, reticence, and
good taste.
(E). Complete the following Lime-
ricks : —
(1). There was an old maid in the Tube
Who sucked a gigantic jujube.
(2). There was an old man of Greenore
Who thought ARTHUR ROBERTS a bore.
(3). . There once was a passive resister
Whose struggles developed a blister.
(4). There was an old man of Long Acre
• Who couldn't eat oats & la Quaker.
SMART SET.
THIS is indeed good news : —
" ElSENBAHNAUSHELPERlN." — HeiT BUDDE,
Prussian Minister of Public Works, is devot-
ing himself to the simplification of titles borne
by railway officials. Ilia first order is that
in future " Hilfsfahrkartenausgeberinnen,
Telegraphistinnen oder Abfertigungsgehilf-
iimeu" shall be compelled to lose their
individual titles, which are to be merged into
the humbler one of " Eisenbahnaushelferia "
(" railway assistant ").
It is to be hoped that this excellent
idea of the Prussian Minister's will not
be nipped in the BUDDE.
208
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 23, 1904.
AWARDING THE BISCUIT.
Dingy Boliemian. "I WANT A BATH OLIVER."
Immaculate Servitor. " MY NAME 18 KOT OLIVER ! "
" AUTHENTIC BLUNDERS."
STIMULATED by the infectious example
of the correspondents of the Spectator, a
number of personages, eminent in
various high callings, have communi-
cated to us examples of "Authentic
blunders" for which they are personally
prepared to vouch. The following
letters, we need hardly say, are only a
small selection from the myriads which
have blocked our letter-box during the
last week : —
DEAR SIB, — When I was an under-
graduate at Balliol, I was invited to
dinner by the Master and placed next a
stranger who was strangely silent.
Wishing to cheer him up I said, " Have
you heard HERBERT SPENCER'S latest riddle
about Lord ACTON ? " On his replying
in the negative, I went on : " Why is
ACTON'S condition hopeless? Because
he 's . past Ealing and on the road to
Han well." Imagine my feelings when
the Master informed me that my neigh-
bour was none other than the amiable
and omniscient Peer himself ! Happily
I was subsequently enabled to make the
amende honorable in one of my books
(Interviews with the Illustrious, Vol.XHI.
p. 764). But the whole episode has
always seemed to me to be so striking
an example of the need of looking before
you leap that, much as I hate quoting
from myself, I feel that no excuse is
needed for recalling the incident.
Faithfully yours, LEO LAMLASH.
Casa Ca.ttagna, Venice.
DEAR SIR, — My old friend Canon GUY
FAWKER, who suffers from what I believe
is technically known as metaphasia,
recently asked me if I had read a novel
called The lively Florists. On my
inquiring who was the author, he replied
" HORACE MEWLETT." I am, Sir,
Yours, &c. E. G.
DEAR SIR, — At an amateur performance
of Julius Caesar in my native town of
Tipperary, the part of Mark Antony was
taken by the local house-agent, who
brought down the house with the line :
" See what a riut the envious CASCA paid ! "
Yours, &c. X. Y. Z.
DEAR SIR, — The following answers to
a general paper recently set to my boys
may be of interest to your readers.
Who was WILLIAM WATSON ? — Ans. (1)
The author of Harmsworth's Grave.
(2) The friend of SHERLOCK HOLMES.
What do you know of WILLIAM
WHITELEY? — Ana. (1) Sir WILLIAM
WHITELEY was the defender of Lady-
smith. On his return from South
Africa his admirers built him a large
tabernacle in Moorfields, where he set
up as the Universal Provider and edited
the Encyclopedia Britannica. His last-
words were, " England expects that everv
man this day will pay his instalment.''
(2) WILLIAM WHITELEY was a celebrated
novelist and the author of the famous
romance, No. 5 Wegtbourne Grove.
Who was Sir RICHARD CALMADY? —
Ans. This brave man, after his legs
had been cut off, fought with the stumps.
For this he was made a baronet, and
given a special coat of arms with the
motto E cruribus unum.
Who was "Pretty FANNY " "i—Ans.
Pretty FANNY was the name of Lord
ROSEBERY'S maiden aunt.
What is the real name of FIONA
MACLEOD? — Ans. BECKY SHARP.
What do you know of JESSE COLLINOS,
Radium, the Mormons? — Ans. JESSE
COLLINGS was a famous writer. He
wrote JESSE COLLINGS'S " Last Prayer."
After this Mr. CHAMBERLAIN made him
Home Secretary and gave him three
Akers. Radium is a circle outside
which cabs charge a shilling a mile.
The Mormons were a sect founded by
Judge BIGHAM. Faithfully yours,
Winchester. H. M. B.
" FLYING THE KITE." - An official
denial has been given to the rumour,
started in connection with the Japanese
War Loan, that the MIKADO has decorated
several leading financiers with the Order
of the Golden Kite.
r
f
EH
P
O
W
a
§
OQ
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cc °
PH P
P 8
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-
I
-
MARCH 23, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
211
THE Dowager Empress of KOREA, who
died in January, has just been buried
with what old-fashioned Koreans are
inclined to consider indecent haste.
However, it seems to have been a very
jolly funeral, the principal feature of
the procession being a number of comical
paper horses.
CHARIVARIA.
of the recent wet weather on our the Camera Club on " Photographs in
novelists. The other day a publisher Relief." We hope the Signer does not
was advertising " On the Wings of the
Wind — RAISE," and now Mr. S. R.
CROCKETT has produced a " Strong Mac."
Such persons as think we attach an
The cold in
Thibet continues to
be intense. In fact.
according to the
Daily Mail, one day
two companies of
our men were over-
taken by a blizzard,
and the officers
were ultimately re-
duced to frozen
bully beef.
The British work-
man is not such a
fool as some would
have us believe.
The men employed
at Portsmouth
Dockyard have
already realised
that the object of
the new regulations
is to get work out
of them, and there
is likely to be
trouble.
A Bill to enable
the elimination
trials for the Gor-
don-Bennett motor-
car races to be held
in the Isle of Man
has been passed by
the House of Keys.
Curiously enough
the local cats look
as if such races had
already taken place.
Another counter-
feit coin factory has
been raided. It
becomes more diffi-
cult every day to make money.
The Daily Illustrated Mirror, always
enterprising, is about to start a new
feature. From an announcement in
its columns we learn that it is con-
templating the publication of illustrations
by eye-witnesses of events.
think he has hit on a novelty. Our
experience of having our portrait taken
is that it is always a relief when finished.
There is a horrible rumour floating
about to the effect
that the few fine
days we had last
week were the
whole of this year's
summer.
A Tokio barber
announces that he
is willing to cut the
hair of all Japanese
soldiers and sailors
free of charge.
Russian throats at-
tended to on the
same terms,
presume.
we
OVERHEARD AT A DANCE.
He. " RIPPIHQ FLOOR THIS. I LOVE IT ! "
She (drily). "THEN WHY DASCE on in FEET?"
"I LIKE the view
your Times takes
of the War," said a
stolid Russian.
This was a sur-
prise to his English
friend, who na-
turally asked for
his reason.
"I will tell you,"
was the Russian's
reply. "TheTimes
speaks the truth.
Look at the heading
of this article, which
I have not read —
but the heading is
enough for me —
see, it is in large
letters, Japanese
Press on the War.
That is exactly what
they did do ; ex-
actly what they are
doing."
"Is fiction deteriorating?" asks a
writer in the National Review. Cer-
tainly not since the war began.
exaggerated importance to our Members
of Parliament may be interested to hear
that, in India, gas engines are worshipped
at a certain period of the year.
Major-General BADEN-POWELL'S keen
eye. has npt .been slow to discover a
defect in our cavalry. He has proposed
that a horse shall be supplied for every
trooper, and will not be satisfied until
he has converted our cavalry into a
mounted force.
A CORRESPONDENT
is surprised to find
the following under the head of " War
Items" in the Daily Mail:- "Fresh
caviare is still to be nad in the restaur-
ants at Port Arthur." The explana-
tion is simple. The caviare is for " the
General." See Hamlet.
Another Eastern Atrocity.
WHY are there so many risings on the
Turkish frontier ?
Because the SULTAN is the sick man of
the Yeast.
It is interesting to notice the influence Signer BAESE has been lecturing at A CLERICAL ERBOR. — A long sermon.
212
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 23, 1904.
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214
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MABCH 23, 1904.
ALL THE TALENTS AT DALY'S.
IF pretty faces, shapely forms, in exceptionally brilliant
costumes designed by PERCY ANDERSON, plenty of life, go, and
brightest coloured scenery by HAWES GRAVEN, much fun from
the WRIGHT man in the right place, as Chambhuddy Ram,
assisted by Miss GRACIE LEIGH as Peggy Sabine, LIONEL
MONCKTON'S pleasant music, and WILLIE WARDE'S wonderful
dances, if such a combination, in which must be included \
the work and play of Messrs. TANNER, Ross, GREENBANK, and
RUBENS, should fail to repeat the usual success that Mr.
GEORGE EDWARDES seems invariably to command wherever he
starts a show of this sort, then the indefatigable Manager
must come to his own rescue and try some other device.
Whatever may be now lacking in the way of a song that
will catch on is sure to be supplied by the talented co-comic- -
operative company.
Mr. HAYDEN COFFIN is just what the musical hero Harry
Vereker would be if he were Mr. HAYDEN COFFIN. He has
pretty music to sing, but nothing that will come up to his ;
" Queen of my Heart to-night." No doubt within another
few weeks something specially attractive will be found for
him. Mr. RUTLAND HARRINGTON has no song equal to that |
about the " six little, five little " (and so forth diminuendo)
wives ; but he does inimitably what little he has to do, and
his costumes are marvellous.
Miss ISABEL JAY looks magnificent and sings delightfully ;
though here again her song about the Japs does not excite
the furore it was evidently written to arouse.
Having mentioned JAY, we come in alphabetical order to
KAYE. Mr. FRED KAYE has a catch phrase about " the climate,"
and cuts a very droll figure as Sir Peter Loftus, High
Commissioner (five - feet - high Commissioner) and Judge,
Ceylon. Nature has made "Little KAYE " just the very man
for a small part, and has been so economical with his inches
that 'tis quite impossible we can have too much of him.
Miss SYBIL ARUNDALE possesses a sweet contralto voice, and
does full justice to the part of Nunoya, the pretty, coquettish,
dark -eyed Cingalese girl. The best number, and the
most loudly encored, is the quartette for Nunoya, Harry,
Naitoema (a part capitally played by Miss CARRIE MOORE)
and Willie Wilson represented by Mr. J. BODDY, who is
not a mere any-Boddy, but a somebody as a bass singer.
To the experienced Mr. WILLIE WARDE the greatest praise is
due for his admirably contrived dances and his stage-manage-
ment of crowds, over whom he is able to keep watch and ward
when appearing on the stage as an Indian servant, Myamgah,
whose unobtrusive pantomime is genuinely artistic.
As for Mr. HUNTLEY WRIGHT, the fun of the piece depends
almost entirely upon his rendering of the Baboo Lawyer,
whom everyone familiar with ANSTEY GUTHRIE'S Mr. Jabberjee
(whose comments and adventures originally achieved so great
a fame in Mr. Punch's pages) cannot fail to recognise. The
authors have privately, as we hear, acknowledged their
indebtedness to the creator of Mr. Jabberjee ; perhaps this
tribute to Mr. GUTHRIE may take a more substantial form than
that of mere complimentary gratitude. The Baboo student
of the Temple is as amusing on the stage as he is in Mr.
GUTHRIE'S pages, and not a point is lost by Mr. HUNTLEY
WRIGHT. A duet between him and Miss GRACIE LEIGH goes
with much laughter, but it is not on a par with some of its
predecessors.
There is one remarkable fact about the Cingalese at Daly's.
Whatever may be the tint of their faces — brown, reddish-
brown, or dark olive — their hands (and arms when visible)
are just the colour of an ordinary Cockney's. The male
Cingalese chorus and supers do not throw themselves so
completely into their characters as did the gentleman who,
in order to play Othello, blacked himself all over. The piece
is half-an-hour too long.
ON SATURDAY, NEXT SATURDAY.
ON Saturday, next Saturday, the twenty-sixth of March,
When other folks are breakfasting or getting out of bed —
Where Putney Bridge divides the flood with buttress and
with arch,
Two Eights shall start for victory (and ont >. shall go ahead),
Oh it 's getting to your stake-boat that makes you shake
and shiver,
Where the launches all are fretting in the middle of the
river ;
And it 's taking off your sweater, and it 'B gripping
of your oar,
With your coxswain looking glum,
While a deep expectant hum
Comes like surges of a stormy sea that beats upon
the shore ;
And it 'B " Steady, are you ready ? " and you lie there side
by side,
Till the Umpire's flashing pistol sets you racing on the
tide!
When other folks are breakfasting or getting out of bed,
On Saturday, next Saturday (I hope I shan't be late),
There '11 be a roar of cheering to waken all the dead
At Putney when the racing crews get off at thirty-eight.
Oh it 's swinging it and driving it that makes you move
your bellows ;
And it 's watching (which you shouldn't do) the other
puffing fellows ;
And it 's giving her ten hard ones and straining
like an ox
With your muscles on the crack
In your shoulders and your back,
As you hear the frantic orders of your agitated Cox.
And it 's " Mortlake, weary Mortlake, I wish you weren't
so far,"
And the Cox yells, " Now you 're gaining," and, by Jingo,
so you are L
On Saturday, next Saturday, may I be there to greet
Those sixteen jolly Englishmen a- tugging for the lead.
And eight shall have the victory and eight must bear defeat,
But what 's the odds since all have pluck — and that 's the
thing we need.
Oh it's rowing in a stern chase that makes you feel
you 're dying,
But it's spurting, gaining, spurting that makes you
think you 're flying ;
And it 's smiting the beginning and it 's sweeping
of it through
Just for honour, not for pelf,
And without a thought of self,
For the glory of your colour and the credit of your
crew.
And it 's " Easy all, you 've passed the post," and lo,
you loose your grip,
But not until the falling flag proclaims you 're at the
"Ship." R. C. L.
THE following advertisement appeared recently in a North
Country paper : —
REQUIRED, Lower Form Master in a small school : one
who will help in the garden preferred.
Messrs. CATSKIN, RABIDAS AND BILLET, the well-known
Scholastic Agents, inform us that they have a vacancy of an
exceptional character which they commend to the notice of
any Senior Wranglers out of employment : —
WANTED, after Easter, Mathematical Assistant in large
Preparatory School. Salary no consideration. Duties
light, as another master milks the cows in the afternoon.
MARCH 23, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
215
A SHOW OF HANS.
[RICHTEB interprets ELOAB'S Dream.]
MR. PUNCH'S SYMPOSIA.
XIII. — THE LIMITS or INVECTIVE.
SCENE— The Offices of Dr. HURRAY'S
Dictionary.
PRESENT.
Lord Rosebery (in the chair).
The Speaker.
Sir Gilbert Parker, M.P.
Rt. Hon. Austen Chamberlain, M.P.
Mr. T. P. O'Connor, M.P.
Mr. R. W. Perks, M.P.
Mr. Labouchere, M.P.
Mr. Bernard Shaw.
Mr. William Watson.
Mr. Herbert Paul.
Lord Rosebery. My Lords, Sir GILBERT
PARKER, and Gentlemen, we are met to
discuss a problem which I own has
of late moved me profoundly. I think
we must all agree that to dispense with
invective altogether would impose too
great a strain on the forbearance of
public men. For how otherwise could
we repudiate calumny, how express our
righteous indignation? For my own
part, ever since I entered upon my lonely
furrow I have found it hard to avoid
calling a spade a spade, or a slate a
slate. But there must of course be
some limits. It would be incorrect as
well as offensive, for example, to call
the Premier "Ugly FRANCES." Where
then must the line be drawn ?
Mr. T. P. O'Connor. My own feeling
is that there should be no invective.
The first rule of conduct for a man
aspiring to public honours should be,
acquire superlatives; the second, acquire
superlatives; and the third, acquire
superlatives.
Mr. R. W. Perks. But suppose some-
thing arises that demands castigation ?
Mr. O'Connor. Change the subject.
Mr. Perks. Personally, I see no objec-
tion to calling a Prime Minister " Pretty
FANNY." Pretty, I take it, is not a term
of abuse. I understand that many of
the inhabitants of these islands, high and
low, would give their ears to merit the
adjective. And FANNY? Is not FANNY
a name in high honour? Was there not
FANNY BURNEY, a distinguished novelist ;
FANNY KEMBLE, a distinguished actress ;
FANNY •
The Speaker. Would the noble lord
our Chairman justify a reference to, say,
Mr. CHAPMN as Little MARY ?
Lord Rosebery. It is not a name I
should have myself bestowed.
Mr. Perks. Noblesse oblige.
Mr. William Watson. Poets perhaps
are entitled to a wider licence than
statesmen. Personally, if returned to
Parliament, I should never think of
restraining any impulse to condemn
what I did not think right. Whoever op-
posed me would have to expect a sonnet.
The Speaker. Sonnets are not in order
— at least, not more than one, a very short
one, used as a quotation for rhetorical
purposes.
Mr. Watson. But if a publicist could
become articulate in no other way —
like myself and Canon RAWNSLEY ?
Mr. Labouchere. I fear your chances
of catching the Speaker's eye would be
remote.
Mr. Watson. Oh indeed! Then I
should group the Speaker with ABDUL
forthwith.
Mr. Perks. ABDUL the . . .
Mr. Watson. The same.
The Speaker. Then stick to Parnassus ;
do not court Parliament. We are a simple
prosaic folk, not in the least sonnety.
Mr. Labouchere. The best rule for
Parliamentary success is to say what
you think. Don't beat about the bush.
Just tell the truth, and your reputation
as a cynic will be made ; and once a
reputation is made in Parliament it is
never allowed to drop. I once made the
mistake of composing a joke, and ever
since then I .have been labelled witty.
But no stranger who hears me now would
apply any such epithet.
The Speaker. Certainly not.
Mr. Labouchere. Why do you say
certainly not ?
The Speaker. I thought you would
like to find some one in agreement.
Mr. Labouchere. No, Sir, no cynic
likes to be agreed with. Directly he
is agreed with he ceases to be a cynic.
Mr. Bernard Shaw. The great fault
with Parliamentary invective is that it is
employed against political opponents
Now there is no Inn in abusing the other
side; the superman abu.es his own
Why seek for enemies when one has HO
many friends available for obloquy?
Mr. Aunt fit ('Iniiiilii'i'lii'in. My august
father writes that it is very hard that in
a country which prides itself upon free
speech there should be any censorship
He goes on to remark that he would
like to see a tax put upon unnecessary
magnanimity. I might add, as a matter
of some interest to the company, thai
my august father's inability to take
tilings lying down 'forces him to sleep
either in a sitting or a vertical position
This serves to show that the higher
patriotism is not without -its sacrifices.
Mr. Labouchere. The best thing to do
when one has something unparliamen-
tary to say is to keep it until one is
addressing one's constituents. At North-
ampton I say things for which, at West-
minster, I should be put in the Clock
Tower.
Sir Gilbert Parker. Is there really a
Clock Tower ? I have not noticed it.
Mr. Labouchere. Certainly ; but you
are not likely to trouble it much. And
a man who never risks the Clock Tower
never does anything.
Sir Gilbert Parker. But I don't think
one ought to risk the Clock Tower,
think one's language should betray
courtesy, clarity, and conviction.
Mr. Watson. Would not a dictionary
of allowable phrases and epithets be a
useful book for distribution in the
House ? A standard work of reference on
those lines would sensibly simplify the
duties of the legislator.
Sir Gilbert Parker. Our noble Chair-
man carries Dr. MURRAY'S New English
Dictionary about with him. Why should
not all of us do so ?
Mr. Labouchere. We can if we like ;
it is merely a question of sufficient
retainers.
Mr. Watson. Is it allowable to say,
" You 're another " ?
Lord Rosebery. It depends on the
initial statement.
Mr. O'Connor. Allow me in the most
heartfelt manner to utter a solemn plea
for universal tolerance. There has been
too much vituperation ; let us enter upon
a period of compliments. Our golden
rule should be, Whenever you see a
head, pat it.
Mr. Herbert Paul (sotto voce). With a
pat of butter. (Aloud.) The question
before us is, What are the limits of
invective? Might not our course be
dictatsd by the famous counsel of a by-
gone editor to his staff of reviewers : " Be
just, be merciful ; but when you do meet
with a silly ass, string him up " ?
[Carried unanimously, save for Mr.
O'CONNOR ami Sir GIIBERT PARKER.
216
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 23, 1904.
IN ME MORI AM.
BORN: 1819. DIED: MARCH 17, 1904.
THE (years that saw old systems changed to new
Still left his spirit changeless to the end
Who served his kindred's throne a long life through,
And died, as he had lived, the soldier's friend.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
IN the Red Leaguers (METHUEN) Mr. SHAN F. BULLOCK
accomplishes a tour de force. There are many novels whose
drama is played out in Ireland in times of seething sedition
or open rebellion. But the authors have gone back to '98,
or at latest to the famine epoch of the mid-nineteenth
some invigorating effect of filling the lungs with breath from
the fresh winds that blow over the blue grass.
The Baron, setting aside the illogical plea in Mr. ARNOLD
WHITE'S elaborate "Introduction," can only give his opinion
on ex-Lieutenant BILSE'S novel as a work founded by its author
(according to the evidence before the court-martial as reported
in the Appendix) on facts within his own personal experi-
ence. For writing and publishing such work the court-
martial judged him, Lieutenant OSWALD BILSE, " guilty of
having libelled his superior officers and others in higher
rank than himself, in a manner which has resulted in serious
consequences to them. Further, he has disobeyed a stringent
military order, namely, the Imperial regulation regarding the
literary activity of persons in military service." His punish-
ment was six months' imprisonment and dismissal from the
service. The Baron, as a strict martinet, having read the
clever translation of the ex-Lieutenant's book, emphasizes
century. Mr. BULLOCK boldly plunges on to the threshold of j this verdict with " Sarve him right." If ex-Lieutenant BILUE
the twentieth century. He imagines a state of things had sent in his resignation first, and had been quit of the
existing in Ireland after the Boer War when, as he puts it, i army before publishing his novel, civil actions for libel
" England stood bound hand and foot. One stroke and j might have followed, or a private inquiry might have been
Ireland was free, a nation at last. A vast organisation of i instituted by the highest military authorities, with beneficial
true Irishmen had been formed, with capable leaders at results. Is this Life in a Garrison Town (Jony LANE) to be taken
its head, and branches spreading through the world, 'as a fair specimen of all life in all garrison towns in Germany?
Through Ireland itself ran a huge confederacy, guided, 'Is it to be ex uno disce omnes? Or, is this case exceptional ?
controfled, with branches in every parish. One
in every pansn. Une man
\vas at the head ; under him were leaders ; under them
the Irish people. All was secret, all were sworn."
This is the dream of some Irishmen before and since
the time of EMMET. Mr. BULLOCK realises it in vigorous
and graphic detail. He follows the fortune of one rebel
band under the command of a soldier of fortune named Shaw.
The narrative is so precise and powerful that emotionable
people like my Baronite will as they read pinch their thumbs
to assure themselves they ^re not dreaming. Designedly or
not, certainly without obvious effort, Mr. BULLOCK informs
his stirring story with a moral over which honest, if extreme,
Nationalists will do well to ponder.
Part 2, Bygone Eton (SpornswooDE & Co., LTD.), interesting
to Etonians. Here is dreary "Long Chamber," concerning
which much might be written entitled " Devilments and
Diverse Dormitory Diversions." Illustration No. VI. shows
a section of the Library, where among certain treasures is
kept " a plav written in 1534 by NICOLAS UDALL, Head Master
of Eton." It has never been produced. Surely here is a
chance for the "Stage Society," or for Mr. TREE'S new
dramatic school.
My Baronite thanks Messrs. HODDER AND STOUGHTON for
introducing him to Pa Gladden. " The Story of a Common
Man," Miss WALTZ adds by way of explanation. It is, also,
the story of a beautiful, strenuous, unselfish life. Pa Gladden
is the kind of man who is made only in the broad prairie
lands of America. He is fortunate in having at hand authors,
usually women, who perceive his goodness and are able to
communicate it to others. He is a hard-working, not
too wealthy, farmer, with a strong belief in the goodness
and unremitting care of " the Onspeakable One." Kind-
hearted but shrewd, thinking no evil, but taking care that
it shall not approach those dear to him, he goes his daily
round, shedding sunshine everywhere. One of his greatest
triumphs is the subduing of his horse Cephy, a beast so
savage that no one could keep him. So Pa Gladden got him
cheap. Pa is the happy centre of everything. But Miss
WALTZ'S magic pen also draws the reader into charmed com-
munion with the strangely-named quaint men and women who
people a Kentucky hamlet. Reading the work has the whole-
Publish nchronique scandaleuge of the recklessly wicked doing's
of the Dirty-First Regiment quartered at Stow-in-the-hole, are
we therefore to accuse the entire British Army of the grossest
impropriety, of general dishonesty, of universal inebriety, of
total lack of discipline in all quarters, and to tar the ladies
of the garrison, the officers' wives, with the same brush?
The Baron, at the bureau of just criticism, compliments the
translator on his work, yet must he say to the ex-Lieutenant,
"Cassia, I love thee ; but nevermore be officer of mine.'1
Ex-Lieutenant BILSE cannot be congratulated on his un-
savoury novel, but he may be fairly credited with the best
intentions in writing and publishing it.
GCY BOOTHBY'S Consummate Scoundrel (F. V. WHITE & Co.)
receives the Baron's commendation, up to a certain point.
Curiosity is aroused : there is the mystery which envelops a
disappearing man : there is of course a thorough - going
villain, and so forth. The commencement is distinctly good :
so is the working up to the climax. But the climax is
disappointing.
THE
BARON
Mr. THEO. DOUGLAS has chosen a difficult form for his latest
novel, Miss Caroline (ARNOLD), and has achieved a remarkable
success. It is as though the heroine were writing her own
story from notes made in "her diary, but the narrative is so
cleverly contrived as to run on smoothly without the ordinary
mechanical marking time by a constant record of days and
dates. Caroline herself is a charming type. Every character
essential to the gradual development of a thoroughly interest-
ing plot is most skilfully drawn.
The strongly dramatic inci-
dents are finely treated without
the slightest suspicion of any-
thing approaching mere melo-
dramatic sensationalism. There
is a freshness about the entire
story that •warrants the Baron in
strongly recommending all who
honour him by accepting his
guarantee for the genuine merit
of any novel to make the acquaint-
ance of this delightful ingenue at DE
the very earliest date possible.
.-W,
MARCH 30, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
217
A REPROBATE.
Teacher. " WELL, TOH, WHERE ARE vou GOING ? "
Tom. "PLEASE, 'If, I'M QOINO TO THE BAND OF "OPE."
Teaelier. "AND is LITTLE WILLIE GOINO TOO? OR is HE TOO YOUNG TO BELONG TO THE BAKD OF HorE?"
Tom. "No, 'M, IT'S NOT THAT; BUT HE AIN'T A TEETOTALLER ! "
THE HARBOUR OF REFUGE.
[The conviction that every girl ought to have
a sitting-room of her own where she may
escape the strain of perpetual companionship
with the rest of the family, lias prompted a
member of the " Society of Women Artists," in
Bond Street, to design a "Boudoir Bedroom"
which, according to the Daily Mail, will solve
the problem of the " discontented daughter " in
tlat life.]
Ix days of old, we 're often told
By reminiscent mothers,
Girls played the roles of selfless souls,
And only thought of others ;
They did not shirk domestic work,
Were never cross or snappy,
But all the while they wore a smile
That made the whole house happy.
They loved to sit and sew or knit
And chat together brightly ;
When Mother spoke, these angel folk
All listened most politely.
VtL. C.'O.M.
They brought Papa his slippers — Bah !
A fig, say we, for that life !
At least we 're sure none could endure
That sort of thing in flat life.
Where'er you look, in every nook,
Relations swarm before you.
Escape is none. You cannot shun
The sights and sounds that bore
you.
However high your soul would fly,
She soon comes earthwards tumbling
On hearing JAMES call KATIE names,
Or ISABELLA grumbling.
Here Mother pours her ceaseless stores
Of idle tittle-tattle.
I There Dad delights to prose, and fights
The dismal fiscal battle.
When out of touch, to see so much
Of relatives is wearing —
We find the strain on soul and brain
Is quite beyond all bearing.
But that 's to end, for we intend
To have our rooms refurnished ;
A dainty screen becomes at e'en
A bed all bright and burnished ;
That picturesque bcxjk-case-cum-desk
A toilet set will show forth,
While all the tomes are filled witli combs,
Pins, powder-pots and so forth.
By one's own fire one may retire
To maiden meditation,
Far from the noise of foolish boys
And idle conversation :
Here one may see, relation-free,
One's ownest owns in quiet,
And talk at will of chiffon, frill,
And shops which one should buy at.
WHY are the Superintendents of the
L. C. & S. E. stations, Dover and Victoria,
likely to become very wealthy men ?
Because they 're always receiving
Royalties and sovereigns.
218
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 30, 1904.
PERKS AND THE PROMISE OF SPRING.
[Mr. R. W. PERKS, M.P., in opening a Free Methodist bazaar, is
reported by the Daily Chronicle to have remarked that " lie was sorry
to see that when the Rev. Mr. CAMPBELL wanted to go to Court he asked
the Bishop of LONDON to present him. What would have been said in
days gone by if Puritan preachers . . . had asked Archbishop LAUD to
present them to King CHARLES ? Mr. CAMPBELL would have been far
better advised had he asked the veteran leader of London Nonconformity,
Dr. GUINNESS ROGERS ... to introduce him to King EDWARD, instead
of hanging on to the apron-strings of an Anglican Bishop."]
Now through the slough of bursting seeds
The vital sap begins to hurtle ;
Now Nature doffs her winter weeds
And dons her gaudy-coloured kirtle ;
Now to the thrush's limpid lay,
Encored for joy in throbbing quavers,
With gold and purple bravely gay
The crocus flaunts his regal favours.
It is the piping time of bards,
When every little fledgling hummer
Still superstitiously regards
Spring as the harbinger of summer.
It is the time when Cupid's choirs
Announce a course of love-recitals,
Responsive to the usual fires
New-lit in adolescent vitals.
And, in the swift infectious glow
That makes you even love your neighbours,
Our very Churches seem to grow
Less keen on crossing ghostly sabres.
Yet, as beneath the rose there lurks
A latent element of bramble,
So with the Spring comes Mr. PERKS
Scratching the eyes of Mr. CAMPBELL.
Within the City Temple's bound
What heresy has dared to enter,
That he should leap from underground
Dissenting from a co-dissenter ?
That reverend politician's soul
What blight has marred ? what moral blister ?
Has he renounced his leading role
Of Passive, but Superb, Resister ?
Has he denied his Liberal past ?
Or, envious of a rival Triton,
Secured, by way of counterblast,
The old Aquarium down at Brighton ?
No ! he has done a deadlier thing
Than paying rates or buying fish up ;
He 's been to bow before the KING,
Conducted by (0 Heaven !) a Bishop !
Whyjcould not one of his own creed,
Like Dr. ROGERS — not to mention
RAW. P. — have done the deed
Without his Laudship's intervention ?
See how the lure of Satan works
Through lust of social pride and sleekness,
Striking the uncorrupted PERKS
Pink with -contempt for human weakness !
Ah, Sir ! the Spring that binds her spell
About the beasts and feathered creatures,
Woos also you ; you might as well
Relax awhile your Christian features.
But if her voice appeals in vain ;
If you ignore the lambkin's bleating,
And that inveterate refrain
That marks the cuckoo's vernal greeting ; — •
If still you grudge the Spring her due,
And Earth her claims as common Mother —
Think how it cheers the Lord High HUGH
To see dissenters bruise each other ! 0. S.
FIRST AID TO ARTISTS.
A COLLECTION of poetic extracts, intended to serve as Picture
Titles for Painters and Photographers, has been compiled by
Mr. A. L. BALDRY. They are arranged in various sections,
e.g., Landscape, Figure, Marine, Sport, &c. These we feel
constrained to supplement with further quotations from well-
known sources in view of the imminence of " Sending-in
Day."
FIGURE.
Examples : —
Domestic.
Thanks for your feed of MESSLAY'S milk,
It did me good — my coat 's like silk ;
And now I 'm sound in limb and brain
I '11 never drink skim milk again.
Cat-o — ADDISON.
Fanciful.
It is everything nowadays to possess an attractive
kink in the hair. Rape of the Lock — POPE.
Imaginative.
Two years ago I used your soap, since when I
have used no other. Cackle — PUNCH.
Nude and Draped.
I hear they want more bow, frill and fichu.
Ode to Propriety — TUPPER.
They won't wash clothes.
Fragment — SAPPHOLIO.
Restrospective.
She recalls the delightful Teaze of thirty years ago.
Pleasures of Memory — ROGERS.
LANDSCAPE.
Atmospheric effects.
Try Our Desiccated Pea~soup.
The Fogg Papers — ANON.
Rustic and Pastoral.
Call a Spade a Spade and our Poetic Extract
Perfection. All in the Day's Work — KIPLING.
Wide Prospects.
When you travel by the train,
Posters occupy the plain.
Lines written in Dejection near Ash'ford — ALFRED AUSTIN.
MISCELLANEOUS.
Sport, and Animal Life.
They come as a boon and a blessing to men,
The Swan and the Jay and the Owl and the Hen.
The Birds — ARISTOPHANES.
The dog is in the bedstead,
The cat is in the lake,
The cow is in the hammock —
What difference does it make ?
From a Song-cycle — Sir WILFRID LAWSON.
Political.
High on the Fence sits Fiscal JIM —
Which way the cat '11 jump worries him!
Ode to My England Distracted — WILLIAM WATSON.
PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— MARCH 30, 1904.
THE PKOGEESSIVE OLD MAN OF THE (L.C.)C.
L.C.C. (toLosDOjf RATEPAYER). " WHAT ! DON'T LIKE AN EXTRA PENNY IN THE POUND?
THEN WHY DID YOU PUT ME UP HERE ? "
MAIICH 30, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
"FOR EVERY WHY HE HAD A WHEREFORE."
'Arry (about to mount hack-hunter with kicker's badge on). " 'ERE, GUV'NOR ! WOT 's THAT BIT of RED RIBBON ON 'is TAIL FOB ? "
Jobmaster. "On, THAT AIN'T NOTHING. You SEE WE LETS ocr A LOT of 'OSSBS 'ERE, AND WE WANTS A LITTLE BIT o' SOMETHING TO
IDENTIFY 'EM BY ! "
THE MISSING NAME COMPETITION.
ALL BLANKS— NO PRIZES.
A TANTALISING feature in the recently
published letters of Lord ACTON to Miss
MARY GLADSTONE is the frequent substi-
tution of blanks for the most interesting
names, <•.;/.,
"(iosuiKs1 IK jilxivp sordid motives. He
dreads the Radicals, detests , despises
As a supplement to his Happy Evening
Competitions, Mr. Punch submits a few
paragrapha written in discreet Actonese
by another diarist, and he asks his
readers to spend their Easter holidays
in filling in the blanks.
I met - - at dinner last night.
We discussed the War Office scheme.
He said he thought it very unfair that
had not consulted him as to its
publication, but he believed it to be the
case that influenza affected the memory.
- was a clever fellow, and had
written a great deal on matters connected
with national defence, but he had never
attended any German manoeuvres, at
least not in uniform, and the EMPEROR
had not decorated him with the Order of
I saw CHAMBERLAIN to-day at the — --'s.
He discussed the situation with his usual
frankness. He thought that at the next
Election the — — would come in with a
moderate majority, but that if - — con-
sented to serve under the - - as
Premier, and - - accepted a peerage,
a working Administration might be
formed.
I found SIDNEY LEE reading - — 's
last novel. He says it is the most
terrible nonsense he can remember. I
reminded him of - — 's greatly-praised
book, The —--of- But he
persists that he will be -- ed if - — 's
new book is not worse.
I had a long letter from CURZON to-day.
His views on the reconstruction of the
Cabinet are most interesting. The
— Office he
sending of — - to the
considers to be the most extraordinary
appointment on record, and will give him
a splendid opportunity for the exercise
of the fine art of bearing fools gladly.
Of his own prospects he does not speak
with enthusiasm. As he puts it, " Fancy
coming back after ruling India to be
heckled in the House by ."
I ran into SARGENT at Scotland Yard
this morning. He says he has been
painting - — , and has had a very un-
desirable experience. — seems to be
intensely vain, and would insist on
getting up every few minutes to see
how his beauty was progressing. S.
at last had to call in — — to hold him
down. S. has also painted — — and —
and , all of Park Lane, for the large
room at the next Academy. It will be
known as the Jerusalem Chamber.
THE name of " MILNER " was at the com-
mencement of last century associated with
a little work entitled " The End of Contro-
versy." Nowadays the same name seems
to imply being the cause of it.
222
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
[MARCH 30, 1904.
THE LATEST MAGAZINES.
FIRED by the success of Mr. C. B. FRY'S
Magazine and other personal periodicals,
a number of our leading public men are
plunging into the arena. The following
first numbers are announced thisweek : —
THE BRODDER ARROW AND
ESHER COMMENTATOR.
A POWDER MAGAZINE. .
Edited by the Rt. Hon. St. John BrodricTt, M.P.
Special Features.
PARS ABOUT MARS.
By the Editor.
First Instalment of the Great Serial
Story,
THE THREE WARLOCKS;
OR, ESHER, FISHER AND CLARKE.
By St. J. B.
MASTER MEDDLERS.
By Harold Begbie.
I. — LORD ESHER.
C.-B.'S MAGAZINE.
THE EVENING CASTIGATOR.
Edited by Sir Henry Campbell-Bannerman, M.P.
Look out for
TALES FROM THE TABERNACLE.
By Uncle Archibald.
I. — PRETTY FANNY'S CDRDB AND WHEY; on,
WHO SPILT THE MILK ?
MAGNETIC PERSONALITIES.
By Harold Begbie.
I. — LORD MlLNER.
THE GUILLEMOT.
A NEW HIGH-CLASS WEEKLY.
Edited by Sir Gilbert Parlier, M.P.
The First Number will contain
the opening article of a Series entitled
FROM RUNG TO RUNG.
By the Editor.
The other contents will comprise :
SUPERB TOILERS.
By Harold Begbie.
I. — SIR GILBERT PAEKER, M.P.
Illustrated with Portrait of
Sir GILBERT PARKER, M.P.
REELED CONVERSATIONS.
By William Archer.
I. — SIR GILBERT PARKER, M.P.
Illustrated with Portrait of
Sir GILBERT PAHKEB, M.P.
Ready April 1.
PRICE ONE GUINEA.
JESSOP'S JOURNAL.
AN ORGAN OF CRICKET REFORM.
Edited by Gilbert Jessop, C.B.
Read the Editor's sensational Article,
' SHOULD ROLLERS BE RUBBER-
TYRED ? "
' CRICKET AT THE VATICAN."
A New Scries by Hall Ca'tne.
I. — THE FIVE CARDINAL POINTS.
MASTER EDITORS.
By Harold Begbie.
I.— Mr. C. B. FRY.
THE HUGH AND CRY.
THE FREE TRADE INTELLIGENCER.
Edited by Lord Hugh Cecil.
Special Features.
RELATIVES WITH WHOM I
DISAGREE.
By the Editor.
I. — THE PREMIER.
THE STATELY HOMES OF
ENGLAND.
By T. Gibson Bowles, M.P.
I. — THE HOTEL CECIL.
GREAT HEARTS.
By Harold Begbie.
I. — DR. CLIFFORD.
WINSTON'S WEEKLY.
With which is incorporated the
OLDHAM FREE LANCE.
Edited by Winston Churchill, M.P.
WHO'S HUGH?
By Raymond Blatherskite,
WHY I AM NOT IN THE CABINET.
By the Editor.
CAVES AND THEIR FORMATION.
By the Editor.
MASTER WRECKERS.
By Harold Begbie.
I. — MR. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN.
CHESTERTON'S CHEST NOTES.
A BUDGET OF PARADOXES.
Edited by O. K. Chesterton.
EDITORIALS.
ON THE BLACKNESS OF WHITE.
EVERY STRAY ACTION A HABIT.
THE TAMBURLAINE OF TOOTING.
BROWNING'S POST IN THE BRITISH MUSEUM.
HENRY J.'S WOODNOTES WILD.
A MUSICAL MEDLEY.
Edited by Henry J. Wood.
Original compositions by — •
GENERAL KUROPATKDJ.
GOVERNOR BOBRIKOFF.
ADMIRAL ALEXEIEFF.
MAXIMS AND MINIMS.
By Maxim Gorky.
THE BUTTERFLY TIE AS A FACTOR IN
INTERPRETATIVE ART.
By Mrs. Rosa Neirmarch.
MAJESTIC MINSTRELS.
By Harold Begbie.
I. — MADAME CLARA BUTT.
A. A. A.
(ALL ABOUT AUTHORS.)
Edited by Mrs. Alec Tweedie.
Don't read any more books ; read about
the brainy people who write them.
CONTENTS OF No. I.
MR. THOMAS HARDY'S FOUNTAIN
PEN.
A Realistic Description, with Diagrams.
By Annie S. Swan.
WHAT AUTHORS LIKE FOR
LUNCH.
A Census of Literary Preferences.
By the Editor.
MASSIVE MINDS.
By Harold Begbie.
I. — MR. MAX PEMBERTON.
AN ITALIAN PARADISE.
Mr. WILLIAM LE QUEUX at Villa Le Queux.
(With Glossary of Italian Phrases.)
By Douglas Sladen.
Two OTHER FEATURES.
A critical analysis of recent literature,
giving weight, colour, and number of
pages of every book published in 1904.
Special Coloured Supplement, con-
sisting of a superb plate reproduction of
an old suit of Mr. MEREDITH'S.
THE WIRE-PULLERS.
I. — THE MANIPULATOR OF PUBLICS.
As I sat at lunch in a Strand res-
taurant a gentleman at my table called
somewhat ostentatiously for more ice.
He was a small man ; one would
describe him as dapper ; he was almost
painfully alert, and his manner of eating
showed him to be methodical to a fault.
He seemed to do nothing that was not
absolutely necessary. I felt certain that
in hia business hours he used the
sharply waxed ends of his moustache
for bill-files.
More ice was brought, and he lighted
a cigarette. After a puff or two he held
the end which he' had put to his mouth
against a block of ice. Then he smoked
again and then repeated the operation,
with a side glance at me. He caught
my eye. •
" Why do you do that ? " I inquired,
' if the question is not impertinent."
" Not at all," he answered. " To be
candid, I wanted you to ask. A client
of mine intends shortly to place on the
narket an iced cigarette. I am creating
a demand for it."
" That 's very friendly of you."
" I said client, not friend," he returned
sharply. " Creating demands is my
profession. I am a Manipulator of
Publics."
MARCH 30, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
223
"Never heard of them."
" Probably not. That 's because you
don't think. I winced. "How do you
suppose a new thing is brought into
notice?"
" liy advertisement, I imagine," I
said, with the air of one who states the
obvious.
" Yes," he admitted, " but go farther
back. Who reads advertisements — with
any interest, that is V Why, people
wlio want things. Nobody at present
wants iced cigarettes because they
haven't thought of them. Once get the
idea into men's heads that they would be
good things and they '11 read advertise-
ments to find out where to buy them."
" You surprise me."
"I expected to. You would like to
hear some more of my methods ? "
" I should," I said. " This cigarette
business strikes me as just a trifle
crude, and " — I glanced round the room
" not particularly effective."
" Crudeness is one of my strong
points," he replied; " when you object
to it you show your ignorance of the
British Public. You expect them to
copy my experiment now at once.
National shyness is against that. But
come here to-morrow, and I 'in willing to
wager that at least five men will cool
the ends of their cigarettes with ice.
"You see," he continued, "I have
learned the commercial value of under-
standing customs, fads and prejudices.
Take the case of the Daily Torch. That
was one of my enterprises. It was not
my paper, of course, but I prepared the
public for it. One would have said
there was no room for another new
paper, and, in fact, there was not. I
made room. I knew that the English
people have a prejudice in regard to
the use of newspapers for lighting fires.
In all respectable establishments, one
week's issue of ephemeral literature is
hoarded up until the next week begins.
Then, and only then, is the kitchen-maid
at liberty to divert the accumulations to
household purposes. Well, confident in
this knowledge, I waited for the English
summer. It came in November, and
by marvellous luck it began on a
Monday. I immediately made a corner
in old newspapers. People were ready
enough to sell them for good prices,
because there, is another British preju-
dice against having fires in summer,
however cold it may be, and because no
amount of experience to the contrary
ever really convinces them that the
English summer does not come to stay.
Secure in the confidence that they were
in for a spell of warm weather — a ' heat
wave,' they called it — they sold me
their stock of old newspapers. By the
Thursday, the English summer had
definitely broken up, and four degrees
of frost drove them back to fires. There
HAPPILY EXPRESSED.
Lady Gusher. " GOOD-BYE ! THANKS so MUCH ! Yorn PICTURES ABE CHABJUNO, AND BO UNLIKE
TOUR USUAL WORK ! "
was my opportunity. I placarded Eng-
land with 'Buy the Daily Torch and
Light Your Fires with it.' It went (as
it should) like wild-fire. The fact that
it was intended for lighting fires was
sufficient to overcome the weekly-accu-
mulation prejudice."
" But how did you keep it going ? " I
asked.
"There I utilised my knowledge of
an ancient British custom. I knew that
kitchen-maids always read the paper
before they burn it, so a special appeal
was made to kitchen-maids. There was
a column headed ' The Daily Peer-Glass :
all about Fashion and High-life,' and it
caught them. After that we naturally
jumped into a circulation guaranteed
to be equal to fifteen times that of any
London daily."
" Good heavens ! " I exclaimed. " You
work on the quiet, but you certainly
don't do things by halves."
"No," he replied. "I do them bv
wholes and corners. Bill, waiter, please.*'
WE understand that the article on
"Sir WILLIAM HAROOURT'S Old Ties"
which appeared in one of the papers
on the occasion of the veteran s an-
nouncement of his projected withdrawal
from public life, is to be followed by
" Mr. BALPOUR'S Left-off Spats," and " Mr.
GIBSON BOWLES' Discarded Ducks."
224
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAECH 30, 1904.
AN ENTRANCE EXAMINATION PAPER.
(Set by Mr. Punch for the new National Academy of
Dramatic Art.)
Candidates are recommended not to attempt to answer al
the questions.
PART A. — For Male Candidates only.
1. How many times, and where, have you appeared in th
title role of SHAKRPEARE'S Hamlet, Prince of Denmark?
Write down as much as you can remember of the notices
if any, which you received from the London, Suburban, or
Provincial Press on such occasions.
State in what respects you consider your reading of the
part superior to that of : —
(1) Sir HESRY IRVING ; (2) Mr. BEERBOHM TREE ; (3) Mr
FORBES ROBERTSON ; (4) Mr. WILSON BARRETT.
Can you announce a visitor, bring in a telegram, and wait
at lunch ?
"2. Which of your photographs in costume should you say
was the most successful? Describe, with diagrams, the
customary method of polite salutation in the time of (a) CHARLES
THE SECOND ; (6) Queen ANNE ; (c) GEOBGE THE THIRD ; (d) the
present.
Trace the variations in the etiquette of offering anc
accepting snuff through the reigns of the Four GEORGES
How many matches do you strike on an average before you
can light a cigarette or cigar : [i] in private life ; [ii] on the
stage ?
3. What is your favourite brand of champagne? Can
you, when on the stage, affect exhilaration after quaffing a
bumper of effervescing ginger ale ?
4. In what part of a stage drawing-room would you place
your gun when you come in through a French window for
afternoon tea at the end of a day's snooting ?
Supposing you are required to enter in hunting costume,
after a record run over a difficult country, should you give
any indication of this in your attire, and where ?
5. Do you prefer to provoke your audience to tears or
laughter ? If the former, give some idea of the facial con-
tortions by which you would indicate : (1) Suspense,
(2) Concern, (3) Agony, (4) Horror, (5) Despair. How do
you employ your hands in each case ?
Have you ever performed a comic part without finding it
necessary to redden your nose ?
6. Has an author in your opinion any right to insist upon
his lines being spoken verbatim so long as the general sense
is retained ?
Are you in the habit of making any distinction between
your methods of delivering Blank Verse and Prose ? How
do you do it ? •
7. How often have you impersonated a French Marquis in
Amateur Theatricals ? Write down, as you would pronounce
them, the words: Monsieur, Madame, Mademoiselle, bon
voyage, au remir.
PART B.— For Female Candidates only.
1. Which should you say was, on the whole, your most
successful amateur creation— Juliet, Pauline, or Polly in
\jQ,St& t
Could you throw yourself thoroughly into the part of a
parlour-maid if you were required to remove all your rings
and were not allowed an apron with pockets in it ?
Does your forte lie in humorous character-parts ? If at
any time you should have to make up as a household 'drudge
m a farcical comedy, would you be satisfied so long as vou
preserved any resemblance to a civilised human being? "
3. How would you enter a room and sit down in 'the
character of (1) A strong-minded Duchess, (2) a slangy
schoolgirl, (3) a wealthy par-venue, (4) an adventuress, (5) a
person in ordinary good society, (6) a meek dependant?
What costume would you suggest for each of these charac-
ters? When up the stage, conversing in dumb show with
some minor person in the piece, can you think of any by-play
appropriate to the particular character you were repre-
senting ? If so, mention it.
4. How should you indicate: (a) maidenly archness,
(6) wounded pride, '(c) dawning love, (d) aversion, (e) pre-
tended indifference, (/) a breaking heart : as the heroine of,
(1) a Society Drama, (2) A Problem Play, (3) A Musical
Comedy ?
5. Do you find that you can act just as well or better
without knowing anything of the story of a play beyond the
scenes in which you are personally concerned ?
6. In how many seconds can you write a long and
important letter on the stage ? Is it necessary to write any
address on the envelope ?
7. Do you possess a motor-car? If you were entrusted
with an ingenue part at a pupils' matinee, should you insist
on all your frocks being made by your own dressmaker ?
HINTS ON HATS.
(By our Millinery Expert.)
EXCELLENT advice under the heading "How to choose a
Hat" is offered to the readers of the Daily Express, but
some of the items require a little explanation for the benefit
of the uninitiated. Every woman, says the Daily Express,
should first acquaint herself with the faults or perfections of
the back of her head as well as the front. We endorse this
up to a certain point, but there is a risk in some cases that
overstudy in this direction may lead to a general predilection
for the rear aspect.
Many women, we are next told, might be called beauties if
they would only realise it. This is not a common difficulty.
The only obstacle which the majority has to contend with
is a growing disinclination on the part of their friends to
appreciate the fact.
The toque— the article goes on to remark— should always
be bewitchingly perched above a saucy little nose. That "is
so, and this advice also applies to the Picture hat, the Early
Victonan, the Capeline ombreller--and even the Panama is
better worn above rather than below that salient point.
There are cases, we are told, when a hat is more becoming
,o one profile than the other, but a little trouble will obviate
i Discrepancy. This, however, is too vague for the general
public. Ihe only practical remedy is to buy two hats, one
) suit each profile, split them down the middle and join the
wo desirable halves with a little fish glue and stamp paper.
Ihe remaining moieties may be similarly connected, and
dispatched in one of "Gainsborough's" hat boxes, as a
birthday present to a country cousin.
The girl with the wide mouth, large nose and high cheek-
WIMTTl£ed t0 av°id close -fitting shapes, as
omewhat nsky to her particular style. While concurring
o anJ extlV^f;? that * in .addition' the chin recedes
o any extent and the eyes are inclined to goggle a very
e 1 ^ be t^ bv Baring Vfoa'l-scu^e
The I ^^ ^ the back hair elaborately
Jfore nnet m tbS ^ 8h°uld alwa>'s be
• ^^
First Fa^ier And how's your little girl?
Second Father (widower) Oh, she's a bi«r girl now I
hall soon have to find an idiot for her. HoVs your son'v
MARCH 30, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE SAID TO SOMEONE ELSE.
l.itilc liaumlerly (to complete stranger, after tasting champagne). "DON'T THINK MUCH OF THIS STUFF, OlD MAN. En, WHAT?"
' Stranger (who happens to be a son of the house). " THE MATER WILL BE SORRY TO HEAR THAT, I 'M SURE."
"THE S.P.G. IN NEW GUINEA."— The
Spectator, reviewing this work, says :
" Tins little picture-hook is very instruc-
tive. There are men- a 'reclaimed
cannibal ' on the outside, and ' three
Christian teachers' on p. 1 within- -
native churches and schools and village
scenes." This recalls the sad case of
the lady who went out for a ride on
a tiger, and we are more than sorry for
the three Christian teachers who are
" within."
226
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[MARCH 30, 1904.
SAVING THE
Effie (to idiom a motor-lrougham is quite a novelty). " OH, MUMMY DEAR, LOOK !
AND THERE ISN'T A HoitSE OR EVEN A PONY ! WHAT ARE THEY THERE FOB?"
Mummy dear (not well versed in electricity and motor-mechanism
srr, DEAR, YOU 'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND."
SITUATION.
THERE'S A FOOTMAN AND A BIO COACHMAN ON TUB BOX,
'. " WELL, YOU SEE, EFFIE DEAR — THE — (by a happy 'inspiration}
THE VAEIETY ENTERTAINMENT.
SOME people delight to argue and fight,
Whenever occasion arises,
Of the merits which fall to the drama and hall,
And the influence each exercises.
One tells you the play will have soon had its day —
It is only an ancient survival,
Which of course cannot hope in its dotage to cope
A\ ith its brilliant and up-to-date rival;
Wlijle the others say No ! the variety show
Is only a whim of the moment,
And fashion will learn in due course to return
To BHAISPEAEE and FLETCHER and BEAUMONT ;
Or new stars will arise in theatrical skies,
And the world once again will be brought to
Appreciate Art, while the Halls will depart,
As, without any question, they ought to.
Both are right — both are wrong. My opinion is strong,
After hearing the matter debated,
'I hat the truth is the mean which is lying between
The dual extremes I have stated.
In the play-house to-be we shall certainly see
The jirograiunip that pleases the million
Will become a fresh brew of Lyceum and New,
('nmbined with the Met. and Pavilion.
It will have just a touch too of BENSON— not much
And a dash of the Hippodrome's certain
To wind up the show with a turn that will go,
And ensure you a popular curtain.
It will cut matters short and best show you the sort
Of thing that will set the world humming
If I sketch you the bill which is destined to fill
Play-houses in years that are coming.
Turn one should be bright — something comic and light
Say, costers enjoying a beano,
Just a trifle in which one might see Little TICH
Supported by Mr. DAN LENO.
Turn two— let us say, a Shakspearean play,
Boiled down, and performed by Miss TERRY,
While I think number three with advantage might be
Twenty minutes of gay Madame Sherry.
Then I'd have a trapeze, or some highly trained fleas,
r or so fond of variety we are —
Next a scene from Macbeth where the dagger of death
{s prepared by the tragic Miss FREEAR ;
While to follow up that, any turn would fall flat
Alter Duncan's unspeakable slaughter
But the elephants' leap when they rush down the steep
And plunge into real liquid water.
of
0
Cdebrated eomP°ser'). That was a very fine march
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MARCH 30, 1904.
'fir
A MUTUAL SACEIFICE
OR, L'AUTEL DU LIBRE ECHANGE.
MARCH 30, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
229
RESIGNATION; OR, THE PARLIAMENTARY
ST. SEBASTIAN.
" I seem to be attacked from so many
quarters that in all probability this is the last
time 1 shall address this House." — Major Xrrli/.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, SI. P.
House, of Commons, Monday, March 21.
—The Irishman's heart is the home of
many lino feelings, such as love of
country, of family, of homo, of the
traditions of a high-spirited, richly-sifted
race. Most deeply seated of all is the
lovp of order. Trained in. patience born
of woes that through the centuries have
fallen on his distressful country, lie ha>
taught himself to bear most distasteful
things. Anything approaching breach
of order breaks down the barriers of his
placid manner, rousing him to almost
uncontrollable indignation.
All Irish Members suffer on such
occasions ; in the particular cases of
gentlemen of the temperament of SWIFT
MACNEILL and REDMOND cadet, horror of
disorder 'makes them almost clamorous.
Judge of their feelings just now when
SEELY rose to continue debate on C.-B.'f
vote of censure upon Ministers in matter
of Chinese labour in the Rand, and the
Chamberlain ites went for him like a
pack of hounds that have just nosed
the scent.
SEELY objects to importation of Chinese.
Claims the right of free-born Englishman
rising in the very palladium of liberty to
statehis opinion. After indiilgence inpro-
miscuous burst of howling the gentlemen
of England ranged under Unionist flag
iVixsioN AND SIR TROUT.
(A Study in Deportment.)
Sir Trout. "The vulgarest expression, Sir, came from this honourable Member ! '
fell into conversation. This is a little
rude when one is making ordered speech.
Aggravation increased by loudness of
voice. As at certain stages of a drama
supers at the back of the stage fall into
groups of three or four and, with much
gesticulation, enter into animated con-
versation, so the gentlemen of England
on benches immediately behind that by
which SEELY stood turned to each other
and talked about the weather at the top
of their voices.
That was the principal difference be-
tween this sudden burst of animated
private talk in the House and on the
stage. You don't hear what the supers,
feigning conversation, say. Remarks of
Honourable Members so boisterous as
entirely to drown SEELY'S observations.
After a while up gat WINSTON CHURCHILL.
In manner modified by breadth of Irish
Channel, he also resents anything
approaching disorder in debate. His
interposition on the scene for a moment
added fresh vivacity. Leaping up from
side of Member for ISLE OF WIGHT, he
seized him by the shoulders and forced
him back into his place. Gentlemen of
England looked on approvingly at what
had uncommonly close resemblance to a
personal assault. Only WINSTON'S win-
ning way of introducing himself to
notice of SPEAKER.
"Sir," he said, the floor by this means
clear, "owing to the vulgar clamour
among the Conservative Party I am
quite unable to hear what my hon. friend
is saying."
At the moment of course SEELY, breath-
less in his seat after this unexpected
assault, was saying nothing. Sir TROUT
obligingly supplied a remark.
"The vulgarest expression," he said,
wagging his hat at WINS-ION, "came
j from this honourable Member."
SWIFT MACNEILL sobbed aloud; REDMOND
, cadet, with hands clasped over his
burning face, attempted to shut out the
painful scene. Mr. FLAVIN hastily left
the House in search of the four police-
men who once carried him out shoulder
high. They might be wanted again.
Later, PRINCE ARTHUR presenting him-
self at Table to wind up debate was
startled by roar of contumely arising
from Irish camp. " 'Vide, 'vide, 'vide ! '
they shouted. For fully five minutes
the PREMIER stood waiting for a hearing.
'"Vide ! 'Vide ! " roared SWIFT MACNEILL,
bounding india-rubber-ball-wise on the
bench, to the terror of compatriots sitting
near him.
" Why didn't you enforce order for
SEELY ? " REDMOND eadet sternly asked.
PRINCE ARTHUR, the only placid person
in the tumultuous scene, remarked that
he had appealed for a hearing for
the Member for the ISLE OF WIGHT.
_ —
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 30, 1904.
jrder, not to be comforted.
departing , Th.s even in
,
Let SEELY speak again," lie com-
niiiuled. ,
This objected to on obvious grounds,
ind after some further Yahoomg the
"KKMIER allowed to speak amid occasional
nterruptions.
A striking scene, likely to have pro-
onged influence on debate. Saxon
Members perceive more clearly than
that order is the Irishman's first
He will have it preserved at any
;l\V. J-At; v» IAA j-»ik » "-1 > v ^- — — - ~ - *
•ost of lung power or display of the
nanner traditionally connected with
>onny brook Fair.
Business done. — Government, resisting
vote of censure, bring up their majority
o fifty-seven.
Wednudau night.— Said Mr. O'MARA
lust now, " 1 am not a lover of dogs in
he abstract." What breed is a dog in
the abstract ?
Conversation turned upon second
reading of Dogs Bill, the one ewe lamb
of the Board of Agriculture as FELLOWES,
who has charge of it, described it. Up
to to-night Government been shy in
pressing forward their legislative pro-
gramme. Ordinarily on the eve of Easter
principal Bills have been introduced.
The Dogs Bill a sort of pioneer, sent out
to prepare the way for more important
measures.
Result of endeavour not wholly satis-
factory. Leading provision of Bill
makes it a sort of Early Closing Act
for Dogs.
Let Hercules himself do what he may,
The cat will mew, and dog will have his day,
said Hamlet to his uncle.
" But," adds Uncle FELLOWES, in charge
of this Bill, " his day shall close at
sunset. As cycles have a lighting-up
time, movable with the seasons, so dogs
shall have a shutting-up time."
Between sunset and sunrise no dog
may stray. As Mr. BAILEY said in
moving rejection, it is introducing into
dog life the principle of the South
African compound.
Mr. O'MAKA, turning contemplative
gaze from dogs in the abstract to dogs
in the concrete, almost drew tears from
the clerks at the Table when he describee
" some poor miserable animal, the joy o:
a widowed home, seized by the police i
it put its head out of doors at night.'
As for Brother WASON, he poured con
tempt and scorn on a Bill drafted bj
some feeble townsman who knew nothing
of the ways of a dog with the sheep
Whilst he was instructing the Board o
Agriculture in this branch of science tfo
fingers of the clock touched half-pas
seven, and the Bill was talked out
Debate will have to be begun all ove
a .train on another day, with assuranc
that Opposition will be encouraged bj
temporary success.
household kennei, doth misfortune dog
the steps of a hapless Government.
Business done. — Very little.
Friday nicjht.—Mi. PICKWICK DAVIES
(cliristened ALFRED) is going to prison.
There is precedent for the procedure
to be found in the life of his illustrious
prototype. Mr. PICKWICK went to prison
as the result of the famous case of
Bnrdell v. Pickmck. A Passive Register
f what he regarded as the infamous
Demand of costs put forward by DODSON
nd FOGG, he submitted to incarceration
ather than pay. . ;>
" You may try and try and try again,
aid Mr. PICKWICK, regarding the dis-
omfited attorneys, as the Member for
IARMARTHEN was accustomed to look
faces his fate with the serene dignity,
the unconquerable courage, with which
in an earlier age JOHN HJMPDEN resisted
demand for ship-money.
Business done. — Private Members'.
MORE AUTHENTIC BLUNDERS.
gjH) — In my new book on MATTHEW
ARNOLD, in a quotation from the poem on
Kensington Gardens, the compositor
originally set one of the best known
lines as follows : —
How thick the tremulous sheep cries " Come ! "
G. W. E. R.
ME. PICKWICK w THE POUND.
(Mr. Alfr-d D-v-s as a Passive Resister refuses
to pay something in the pound.)
across the floor at the ex-Colonial
Secretary smiling on the Treasury
Bench; "but not one farthing of costs
or damages do you ever get from me
if I spend the rest of my existence in
a debtor's prison."
Our Mr. PICKWICK'S approaching
retirement
not arise in connection
with a breach of promise case, or as
the result of counter-machinations on
the part of DON JOSE. Convinced
the iniquity of the rate levied under
the recent Act for the support of de-
nominational education, he has refused
to pay it. An unsympathetic Bench
gave him a fortnight to think the matter
over. If at the termination of that date
he is still recalcitrant he will be halec
to prison, perhaps have his hair cut.
This prospect to be realised in mid-
holiday season, whilst other legislators
are enjoying themselves in town or
country. The Member for CARMARTHEN
SIR, — Considering how much more
sympathetic one's mother is than one's
father, might not the line in Shakspeare
oe finally altered in the new edition to
An eye like Pa's, to threaten and eommand ?
A WISE CHILD.
SIR, — Strange are the vagaries of
memory. A recent experience of my
own comes, I think, under the heading
of Authentic Blunders. I had been
learning ' COLERIDGE'S KuUa Khan for
recitation at a Daily Express smoking
concert ; but try as I would I could not
make my tongue say anything but : —
Where ALF, the Daily Mailer, ran,
With brothers numberless to man,
Down to a bunless tea.
C. A. P.
"BOOKS OIF THE WEEK." — Frequently
as we see this announcement, yet invari-
ably it is noticeable that the principal
books of the week are omitted, which,
undoubtedly, are — The Butcher's Bool:,
The Baker's Book, The Greengrocer s
Book, and The Washing Book. These
indeed are the books of the week.
IN PREPARATION FOR THE WAY BY ROAD
TO EPSOM, ASCOT, AND GOODWOOD. — Re-
opening in new quarters, as advertised,
of " Kensington Coaching College."
Instructions given by a staff of experi-
enced whips selected from the House.
Lessons on the Post-horn by one of a
Regiment of Guards always present.
A FIRST FRUIT OF HIS MISSION. — Marquis
ITO has been decorated by the Korean
EMPEROR with " the Plum Blossom."
IT is an old proverb, "Don't reckon
without your host." But if I have a
host, say at a restaurant, I don't want
any reckoning. Should the bill be
presented (by mistake) to me, I refer,
most politely, to my host. I am the
guest. Explain this wise saw to yours
truly> a " MODERN INSTANCE."
MARCH 30, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
£31
"All »
ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL"; OR, A LECTURE ON RADIUM.
[MARCH 30, 1904,
232
DOMESTIC DRAMA.
THE Gon is THE PASTRY.
Mrs. Netcland. JACK, I believe I've
found out why PARKYSS always my-
ladv's' me. He likes us in a way, but
he wants to impress upon us the i
that he has lived in 'better houses
than wo have. And it's true, you know.
He has! And I wish-—
Mr N Of course he has. He was
with that old scoundrel WESSEX. And
that's one of the best houses— and the
worst-in England. But what s the
matter? Surely you're not hankering
after ?
Mrs. N. No, it isn't that. And yet—
of course I know that we've made heaps
of friends. But still, you know, it is
true that we've been here more than
three years now, and not one of the
countv" people has called.
Pai-kyns. Lady COWFOLD, my Lady-
Mum. In her motor-car. I told her
ladyship I would enquire if you was
at home, 'M.
Mr. N. Yoicks ! Gone away !
Mrs. N. JACK, don't be silly! Oh,
why didn't I— yes, PARKYNS; vou can
say I am at home.
'Park. Very good, your Ladysh— Mum.
Mrs. N. It's too provoking. Why
did I put on this horrible old frock:
you must stay and help me, JACK.
Mr. N. Sorry, darling, but I've got
to — no, really, it's not in my line. I'li
slip into your sitting-room. Well, good
luck. I hope you '11 enjoy —
Park. Lady 'COWFOLD.
Lady Cowfold. D 'ye do ! So glad t<
find you in. I 'm generally so unlucky
One "of those people who always hole
black hands.
Mrs. N. It's very nice of you tc
come, Lady COWFOLD. Do sit down
You came in your motor, didn't you ?
Lady C. One of 'em. We've go
five. Of course you — no? Oh, bu
you '11 have to get one. I '11 arrange i
for you. Fact is, my dear, in (lies
hard' times one mus' do what one can
And 1 rake in a small percentage — oh
ridiculously small — by introducin' m_
friends to my pet firm. It 's a mer
nothing, but every little helps, an-
it '11 make no difference to you.
Mrs. N. I should love to. But m
husband has a particular
Lady C. Oh, bother the husbands
my dear. We '11 settle it ourselves
Now, tell me, d'you like our part o
the world ? Let 's see. When did yo
come?
Mm. N. This was our third Christmai
Lad;/ C. Ah, then you don't know
soul yet, of course.
Mrs. N. Oh, well, several peop]
have —
Lady C. Huh ! The MAKTYSS, I s'pose
and the KYMPI.ES, and those double
hear. But they
he RYMPLES have
ears, ain't it?
Mrs N. But surely— isn t that long
nough to find out if people are-
espectable?
Ladu C. I'm told in some counties
hey do call in the third year. But we re
oo near London. We 're bound to wait.
Mrs. N. Then I ought to feel very
much nattered—
Lady C. Oh, you.
was stayin' with
celled people, the what* ; heirnames,
nd the MOSEN-BERGERS and all that lot,
Mrs N. But I like them. Mr-.
MARTYN is charming, and the RYMPLES
ie some of the— . ,
Lad,, C. Yes? Ah, well, I don
now 'em moi-meme. Only know what
re all new people,
only bin here four
PARKYSS. 'Member me, PARKYNS ? Well,
au remit: Now mind you come.
Mr. N. She gone ?
¥?-8. A7- Yes. She s not a bad old
frump, except that she abused the
MUITYNS. But, JACK, who do you think
asked her to come? The WESSFXES.
What can she mean ?
Mr. N. H'm, that 's rum. There must
be some mistake. Certainly neither of
us tea? No, thanks. Oh, PARKYNS,
bring me a whisky-and-soda. You're
sure she said the WESSEXES ? But, my
dear, she couldn't have.
Park. Begging your pardo'.i, Sir, if I
may be allowed to explain, I think you
may attribute her ladyship's visit to me,
That's different.
JANE WESSEX the
What the
UNINTENTIONAL IMPERSONATIONS OF
ANIMALS-THE SLOTH.
what
And
I am. And
you 've got. - — „. _~ . ~ 0
PARKYNS. Most respectable man PARKYXS.
other day, and she asked me to look
you up. She hates me, you know, and
I don't love her much. But one must
oblige people sometimes. And so here
a charmin' house
1 see you 've got
* „„....,... i-^ou ^uj^ctable man PARKYNS.
He was with that old wretch WESSEX,
you know. Gave me quite a homely
feelin', seein' him here.
Mrs. N. But 1 don't quite under —
oh, you're not going, Lady COWFOLD?
Won't you have some tea ?
Lady C. Sorry, my dear, but I mustn't.
Life 's too short for tea. May I have my
motor? But you must come over to
Byne. It 's not a bad old pig-stye, and
I'll get people to come and see you
Come and dance next week. And d'on'1
have too much to do with the MARTYX
lot. I 'm an old woman, and I 've seen
a good bit of the world, and if you take
my advice, you '11 drop 'em. Ah, here V
my Lady— Mum.
Mr. N. You, PARKYNS!
I
Park. It was in this way, Sir. Her
Grace's maid is a young person with
whom I has the habit of corresponding.
In fact, I may go so far as to say that
the young lady will — P.h —
Mr. N. The future Mrs. PARKYNS ?
Park. Well, Sir, since you— exacly
so. And seeing as how the county
people wasn't visiting us, and — you'll
ixcuse me, Mum — but knowing as I do
what county families are, and what a
ot it takes to break the ice, I took upon
myself the liberty of asking Miss SIMCOX
to ask her Grace —
Mr. N. The liberty !
Mrs. N. But, PARKYNS, this is most
extraordinary behaviour. Do you mean
to say that you actually —
Park. It was this way, Mum. Her
Grace, 'M, she hates her Ladyship, like
two cats; you see she wanted his Lord-
ship, Lord COWFOLD, for herself, and so
I sea to Miss SIMCOX, couldn't you per-
suade her Grace to recommend her
Ladyship to call on you, 'M, pretend-
ing to ner Grace that her Ladyship
would be committing of a fo-pa? Of
course, I knowed you was all right,
but, ses I to Miss SIMCOX, that don't
make no difference with county people,
ses I. They wants* an introduction.
They won't come without, ses I. And,
ses she, you leave it to me, Mr. PARKYNS,
— oh, she. 's a cunning one, she is. I '11
make that all right, ses she. Anil she
done it,
Mr. A'. She has !
Mrs. N. She— oh! Well, PARKYNS.
I 'm sure you acted from the best of
motives, but I think in future —
Mr. N. I think, PARKYNS, that in
future — oh, hang it. Just go and get
that whisky-and-soda, and I'll — I'll—-
speak to vou afterwards.
Park. Very good, my Lord — Sir.
[Exit PARKYNS.
M?-*. N. Quite a sort of a CRICBTON,
isn't he, JACK ?
Mr. N. H'm, yes, and a dashed sight
too Admirable for me !
MARCH 30, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
233
1
CHARIVARIA.
Tin: latest development of the cam-
paign against Music Hall sketches is that
tin- liallet is threatened, and many ladies
may be thrown out of work at a time
when their age will render it difficult
for them to obtain other employment.
It is falsely rumoured that the Govern-
ment, alarmed by the result of recent
Elections, is about to make a bold bid
I'm- the Radical vote by a big surrender
of English rights to France.
The International Dress Exhibition
at the Crystal Palace contains a most
complete historical section, starting with
the leaves in the garden, and finishing
up, inside the building, with the latest
creation of WORTH, it is exceedingly
interesting to trace how dress, originally
scanty, for a tune increased in scope,
and than fell away again to the modern
evening dress.
Meanwhile the tendency among the
sterner sex seems to be to rise superior
to clothes altogether. A man charged
with drunkenness at Liverpool last week
tore his garments to shreds, and faced
the magistrate in his shirt ; while, at the
plerkenweD County Court, Judge EDGE
had to rebuke a solicitor for appearing
before him unrobed.
The anti-corset movement is said to
be spreading to officers of the Guards.
The Municipal Council of Holborn
having illuminated with gas the trans-
parent face of the church clock of St.
Giles-in-the-Fields, the installation was
on March 20 solemnly inaugurated by
the Mayor. It is also whispered that a
new wire litter-box affixed to a lamp-
post will shortly be publicly unveiled,
and started on its career of usefulness
by the insertion of a mayoral speech.
The PRIME MINISTER has been asked to
appoint a Royal Commission to inquire
into the causes of the recent great
increase of lunacy in Great Britain. We
are afraid that the Education Act is
responsible for much of it — especially in
Wali>s.
The rumour that the CZAR intends to
end the War in Japanese territory has
again been revived. We can only
repeat that Japan has no intention of
annexing Russian soil.
Last year there was a decrease in the
consumption of whisky in this country to
the extent of 1,600,000 gallons. This
is the biggest drop that has occurred
since the year that followed the death
of JAKE CAKEBREAD.
It never rains but it pours. Only a
fortnight ago we drew attention to the
way in which our profession was looking
up, a Baronet having made some jokes.
\Ve now have the honour to announce
that last week, at Gibraltar, His Majesty
the German EMPEROR was graciously
pleased to make two Royal and Imperial
jokes.
The fact, elicited in a recent cause
Internal Disorders in the Church.
A HIGH-TONED evening paper publishes
an advertisement headed as follows: —
BACK TO Tin: rn.rrr.
What Food did for a Clergyman.
Mr. Punch declines to mention what
food it was that, "did for" t he cli-njyinan:
and lie cannot help thinking that it would
bo in better taste, if respectable papers
drew a veil over these lapses in clerical
life, whether due to food or drink.
Lady Uaitd. " Do Ton THINK IT 'a UNLDCKY TO BE ICARBIED ON A FHIDAT, SIR JOHN ? "
Sir John (confirmed bachelor). " CERTAINLY. Bcr WHY MAXE FRIDAY AN EXCEPTION ? "
cetebre, that " treating " is done upon a
large scale by a certain Detective Agency
renders it necessary to state that SLATER'S
Restaurants are a distinct concern.
The Opposition must not be caught
napping. The Bill introduced by Mr.
WALTER LONG with a view to stopping
the depredations of prowling dogs is
undoubtedly an attempt to deprive a
certain section of the population of the
benefits of free food.
THERE was a young lady of Spain
Who couldn't go out in the rain ;
For she'd lent her umbrella
To Queen ISABELLA,
Who never returned it again.
"THE TEACHING OF ERSE IN IRELAND."—
"Well," says 'ARRY, "it sounds uncom-
mon funereal. 0' course I knew an Erse
and plumes and coal-black 'osses is what
they call a 'moral lesson.' But why
make Bach a fuss about it in Ireland ? "
CONVERSATION FOR COMBATANTS
[••]
to contribute to the smooth
about 50,000
In relations of any kind
enemv the Japanese -il find suc . vo
miral I.VOIM M tft« " Da,Iy lelegraph. ]
rv auuiui itico. . r 1 "
iii find such a volume most useful. -
.
. Punch, strongly approving the wisdom of t he ah ove
proposal, ventures to go one better and present to the
LllVgerents * companion volume in the form of a pock
he circum-
llcar- Wmiral I.VOIM
Mr
proposal, ventures to go one
LllVgerents * companion volu
manual of Russo-Japanese conversation suitable to the circum-
stances. He appends a few extracts :-
THE BATTLE-FIELD.
(i.) Be so good as to direct me to the scene of hostilities.
(ii.) I am myself a stranger in these parts.
(iii.) The battle has commenced.
(iv.) I find the noise very iatiguing.
(v.) They are about to fire their guns.
(vi.) I am unable to remain longer.
ON BOARD SHIP.
(i.1 How many times has the fleet been destroyed ?
(ii.) Pray be careful of the mines.
(iii.) That is a fine vessel of the enemy.
(iv.) Here are some torpedoes.
(v.) I thank you, I have already sufficient.
(vi.) At what o'clock does the ship sink ?
THE ARMISTICE.
(i.) What cold weather we are having !
., (CzAR ) o
(ii.^How did you leave the |MlKADO} •'
(iii) I trust that the Imperial family is well?
(iv.) Have you seen Mr. THEE in The Darling of the Gods?
(v.) No, but I saw him in Resurrection.
(vi.) I am delighted to have met you.
THE PRESS.
(i.) Where is the War Correspondent?
(ii.) We have cut off his head.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
IN a modest little volume Mr. ARTHUR BENSON presents a
singularly able and informing study of the Life of Alfred
Tennyson (METHUEx). He describes his object as threefold :
to give a simple narrative of the career of one of the most
interesting personages of the Nineteenth Century ; to
present in TENNYSON'S own words and writings his view
of the poetical life and character ; and to indicate the chief
characteristics of his art. The threefold design, deftly woven,
has been fully accomplished. Mr. BENSON makes due acknow-
ledgment to assistance derived from the Memoir the present
lord TENNYSON wrote of his father. Having read both, my
Baronite prefers the lesser volume. Its author has skimmed
the cream off pails of milk wherever he has found them.
The result is an enlightening, comprehensive review of an
interesting life, immortal work. Mr. BENSON has the gift
of illustrating by a sentence a phase or a character. Of
TENNYSON'S lamentable excursions into playwriting he says :
" It was as though a musician who had reached almost
perfection on the violin took up at threescore the practice
of the organ." And what can be better than his charac-
terisation of JOWETT : " The refrigerator of timid conver-
sationalists."
The latest novel by Mr. WILLIAM LE QUEUX, entitled As We
[MARCH 30, 1904.
Foraive Them (F. V. WHITE), is rather suggestive of
fhe KPLING refrain, once so popular Lest we forget
With his inspiration of poet KIPLING'S, as Jabber jee would
style him Mr. LE QUEUX'S melodramatic romance has, how-
ever nothing in common. It is an absorbing story ; the
reader is plunged into mystery ^fter mystery, deeper and
deeper and in the profoundest depth there is ever a depth
profounder still. The most experienced nove -plot detective
S find himself hopelessly, helplessly m the dark, until
WILLUM LE Q. appears with his search-light. If, after one
straight-through reading of this strange story, an entire class
had to pass an examination in it, the Baron would much like
to read the answers given by the competitors. >i one thing
he is certain: that the prize would not be awarded to him.
He is afraid he would come out among the last on the list,
even though lie were not quite such a goose as to be plucked.
But be it understood that the Baron recommends this
romance to all who like their literary compounds hot, strong,
and not overspiced.
The first volume of the "Literary Lives Series," edited by
Dr ROBERTSON NICOLL, published by HODDER AND STOLT.UTOX,
is contributed by Mr. GEORGE RUSSELL, who takes MATTHEW
ARNOLD as his subject. We are told that the series is
intended to "furnish biographical and critical studies
of well-known authors of all countries." 'As far as bio-
graphical details are forthcoming, in the way of personal
touches revealing character, Mr. RUSSELL has confined himself
to four pages at the end of the volume. It is well done, but
strikes my Baronite as a little inadequate. It is a mere
penn'orth of bread to the inordinate quantity of sack the
author sympathetically provides under the heading Theology.
Out of a volume of two hundred and sixty-nine pages he
devotes fifty-four to this topic.
So much being assigned to this alluring topic, Mr. RUSSELL
has hardly anything to say about that slim volume of
verse on which for some, possibly misguided, people the
fame of MATTHEW ARNOLD is most surely established. These
grumblers will scarcely find compensation in the circum-
stance, testified to on the personal authority of the
biographer, that ARNOLD "used with great solemnity and
deliberation to turn to the East at the Creed in Harrow
School Chapel where the clergy neglected to do so."
Doubtless ARNOLD was half-bantering when he wrote of
the Young WEMYSS, happily still with us in the House of
Lords, " Everybody knows Lord ELCHO'S personal appearance
and how admirably he looks the part of our governing
classes." Designedly or accidentally, Mr. RUSSELL succeeds
in showing that, side by side with his iterated dislike and
contempt of the middle class, ARNOLD cherished love for a
lord marvellous in a man of his intellectual altitude.
THE
BARON
The Baron heartily compliments .Mrs. MARY STUART BOYD on
The Man in the Wood (CHAPMAN AND HALL). Her very original
heroine is most captivating, and every character in the
attractive story, which is told with true artistic simplicity, is
finely conceived and drawn with
a firm touch. One point of con-
tact there is with Great Expecta-
tions by CHARLES DICKENS, and
that is at the commencement,
where Veka, out of pure pity,
helps the escaped convict much
in the way that Pip, terrorised,
assisted the fugitive in the
marshes who asked him, "You
know what wittles is?" The
Baron unhesitatingly commends
and recommends this work of
Mrs. BOYD'S.
B.-W.
Amr. li, I'.ml.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
CHARIVARIA.
KIA is preparing an armed demon-
against Turkey, and the Turks,
A I STIIIA
strut ion against
wlio dearU lo\c a military display, arc sirk hays,
said to he arranging for s]iecial excur-
sion trains to go and see it.
of the fancy?" asks a doubting corre-
spondent, who draws our attention to
the fact that one of our most recent
men of-war is said to boast of a pair of
l>r. I''.. CAMI.K.V lecturing hcfoi-e tlie
which appears when the hammer,
handled clumsily, hits the linger-nail.
Mr. \V. II. l'o|,i.o< k has compiled a
book entitled A/i'mmlx ilmi Inn-,- uini<-<l
us. We are looking forward to the
chapter on .lo\ ui.
A lady tobacconist who recently
figured in a breuch-of-promise case is
now advertising "Try our Breach-of-
Promise Cigars." A Breach-of-Promise
cigar is, however, scarcely a new idea.
We have often purchased a cigar which
promised to be a genuine Havana.
Some charming new fashions in
mourning apparel for ladies have again
made their appearance, and we agree
with the fair writer who declares that
grief must be peculiarly deep which
cannot bo assuaged by a chic black
canvas gown adorned with black taffetas
in the form of bands and a broad
corselet licit, and finished with a cas-
cade of hid- down the backs of the
sleeves.
There is little doubt, in fact, that quite
the prettiest fancies are now to be found
in fdhi'x i/i' ,1,'nil, and hard, indeed, is
the lot of those who are not qualified to
wear black. The smiling face of the
lady who has recently suffered a herea\e
ment, as it peeps forth from under a
smart mourning hat, meets with many
an envious glance from those who are
less fortunate.
Did not Sii\Ksi'i;\i,'i: say something
about a "shining mourning face'.-1"
"Are Horse Marines merely creatures
We are sorry to hear it rumoured
that, there is trouble between Sir
('A.Mri!Ki.i,-B\NM;[i\U\ and Mr.
Mom.r.v. Mr. ,|OIIN MOUI.KV has declared
that, if the arrangement negotiated
between Lord LANSIXWXI-: and the French
Republic should prove to he a satisfac-
tory one, no party feeling would prevent
him from saying that he regarded it as
a blessing.
It is denied that there is to be an
Arbitration Treaty between England
and (lermany. Mutual love and respect
render this unnecessary.
It was announced the other day that
the troops at J'ort, Arthur were in
excellent, spirits, hut ( leneral SroKSSKi,
has now issued an order closing all the
public-houses in that place.
The Lord Mayor of LONDON is said to
have received u letter of thanks from
Joii\ TKIMII.KV, of Peekham, for the
widening of London Bridge.
FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
FlTZ-JoNF.S lioKS IN Foil MOTORING AND MIXES IN SoelKTY.
members of the National Health Society
on the subject of Babies, declared that
the newly-born infant closely resembled
baboon. At that stage, each had a
tight grasp, and no bridge to the nose.
Later on, the human being develops
bridge, and the baboon also gambols.
As large a sum as 2400 guineas was
given last week at an auction fora tiny
panel by WATTEAU. No wonder the
painting is described as " The (•'i<itnr
I'liii/cr Surprised."
The serial tale in the Kmi'iny .\Ytrx is
headed, "Beyond Pardon," but tho-e
who are reading it declare that it is not
really quite so bad us that.
A book has been published entitled
'/Vic .1 !>(', nf I 'iir/irnlri/. It would seem
to stop short of "theD of carpentry "'
THE JOLLY JACK TAH.
[" We are delighted to hear of the success
which has attended the ' informal examination '
of aspiring cadets. 'Put the hoys at their
ease, and see if they have any sense of humour,'
was the watchword." — Kri'iiimj /'a/j^r.J
NEW NAITICAL COLLEGE.
(For the .SONS of Gentlemen.")
BOYS are prepared for all Government
Informal Examinations. Every attention
is given to the development of the pupil's
sense of humour.
I'l-itu-i/Hil. Rev. DAXIIX LKNO.
Assisted I iy llie following highly qualified
Professors anil Masters: —
]>r. Tic 11, Hev. It. (1. KMI\VI.I:S, I'n.f. CIOM.I.
ItuBEY, and Prof. HKNKV KANIHI.I..
Lt-cliirrr on A'lm'n-nllii . Mr. W. S. (ln.ia.iM.
Demoratrater in i'n-
con«cioug Humour . . Mr. WILSON BARRETT.
IiKKKHiiXcKs lire |»-nnilted to Lallan's Agency,
the I'resident of the (jrindehvald Conference,
and the Headmaster of Oiggleswick.
Now drop the mask and lay aside the mummery,
,\nd under Monte Carlo's bra/en sky
Over the mutual Chambertin or Pommery
I,,, :1,igur wink at augor, eye to eye.
Let us bronotbe Erank and tefleadi other
We do not care one continental blow
Whether the man we call our yellow brother
Is doomed to be a brutish slave or no.
Let us allow that all this fiscal foment.
This stir about the general stomach s weal,
Never involved, for one unguarded moment,
More than a merely academic zeal.
Let us confess to certain pleasing fictions--
The " fi.'ht for Truth," the " single-hearted aim -
And own our "deepest, holiest convictions
To be but catchwords in the party game.
For here our conscience needs no further blunting ;
Here such impediments are lightly shed ;
Here we improve the halcyon hour in punting
Upon the even chances— black or red.
A little while (ah ! never, never, tell it
In Nonconformist Oath) our souls are free
To prance at will as yonder playful pellet
Prances without consulting you or me.
Then pluck the golden day before its glamour,
Brief as an Easter egg's, is due to wane ;
Before the restive pit renews its clamour
And the old solemn farce begins again.
,,,,,,,,,,„,,, .
'AUS EINER KLEINEN GARNISON."
THE critics of Lieutenant BUTE'S tedious book seem to hav
ovei-l( Hiked his description of London in the last chapter
Probably few readers got so far. We English cannot judg
of the truth of his accusations against the German army, bu
we can test the accuracy of his observation by his picture o
London.
It is, says he, past eight o'clock on a December evening
The shops'are being shut. So far we are in entire agreemen
with him. But in the next paragraph he has crowds <
people hastening along the asphalte. Where are the asphal
footways of London ''. 1 lowever, let that pass, like the crow
From his description of some of the pedestrians, it may ]
assumed that he is thinking of Regent Street or Piccadill
lie writes, in German, of "Cubs und Omnibusse," which a
certainly frequent in those thoroughfares, conveying elega
loving couples, veiled ladies, Borseribarone (how does o
recognise the Karons of the Stock Exchange?), gre
merchants, travellers, and so forth. But surely at 8 T.M. the
I'i'ii-xi-iilinraiic of London would be on the point of dining
sumptuously, though their counterparts in Berlin or Frank-
fort might then be hastening home to wash down their Abend-
i-axrii with that champagne which, according to Herr VIII.SK,
Hows so freely aiming the military. But let them also pass.
No sooner have we left the belated and starving Borsen-
barone than we are startled by the sound of tramway bells
among the quite German "elegante CHIIIH'.I." But where,
dear Mr. BII.SK, are th" tramways in Piccadilly, unless in a
sort of prophetic vision vainly dreamed by the County
Council? There is asphalte in Etolborn, there are tramways
perhaps within hearing, but what. Stock Exchange Baron
local COiOUr tllO niU'iinniu w*. v>>^ - -
Thames'Me;ives''us s!iil"unconv!nced and inquiring where
lat riverside cemetery may be.
TO TATTEKS.
No ordinarv kind of dog was he .
No thoronghhred of spotless pedigree;
He was in fact that motley kind ol hound.
Sometimes preserved, but usually drowned,
Wherein the more sped lie breeds contend
'I'd form a base unutterable blend.
Briefly he was a frank offence to Art,
Yet when he died it nearly broke my hca
There are proud beasts who live luxurious days,
Feeding off pheasant bones and mayonnaise ;
With velvet coats and baskets lined with satin
To yrow bad-tempered and extremely lat in,
Succumbing after lives of bestial ease
To apoplectic fits or Bright's disease.
Not such an one was poor neglected Tatters : he
Was rescued from the Lost Dogs' Home in I'.attersea
By one whose blighted heart concealed a deep
Yearning for something lovable but cheap.
I led him home, and ever as I went
Men eyed his shape with inward merriment,
Or stayed their hurrying footsteps to engage
In vulgar strictures on his parentage.
I led liim home and watched his pensive smile
Digesting bones, and thus I mused the while :
"Alas! " I said (addressing the deceased),
"Ill-favoured, outcast, miserable beast,
I too am poor ; together let us sup
From Penury's unappetising cup.
I too from Pleasure's paths am held aloof
(By a provoking paucity of oof) ;
I too through life have found, no less than you,
That kicks are plentiful and halfpence few.
You may have talents that the fancier's eye
Persistently refuses to descry ;
And I 've a turn for letters which I find
Ever eludes the editorial mind.
Each, too, beneath a crude exterior case,
Conceals a mind replete with every grace/
But which, for reasons not profoundly clear.
Still wastes its sweetness on the atmosphere.
Come, faithful hound (I said), and with me share
My somewhat plain but strictly wholesome fare."
He came with pleasure, and until the end
Remained a true and inexpensive friend.
But now no more he '11 gambol free from cares,
And bite the butcher's hireling unawares;
No more incur the vile bull terrier's spleen or
Resent the pampered pug dog's pert demeanour ;
No more shall ill-bred youths his pride assail
And tie tin cans to his protesting tail.
Therefore the world seems ('ark again, for lie
Is gone, and oh, the difference to me !
rrxrn, 01; TIIK LONDON CIIAI;IV.\I;I. Ami. <;. IDOL
TO MEET THE OTHEB ONE.
RT. Ilox. J-s-m
IW^H (soliZoguwing). "JOE, MY BOY, LET US TRY TO DRESS- AS WELL AS
THINK— IMPERIALLY ! "
[" Althoagh nn s])pcial arvaiigomenta luivo been made for a meeting between tho German F.Mt'ERon and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN in Sicily, it is
thought hi'iv thai \rn- |,ossil)ly a Hurling may take jilace."— Reuters Agent in Berlin.]
APRIL (I, r.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
SCIENTIFIC SKIPPING.
TlIE Tinii'K has briefly called attention
to ii pamphlet by Dr. BOND, of ( Jloucester,
advocating the employment of skipping
as an " unsurpassed form of home gym-
naMics," and the use of his specially
devised skipping-rope, called "Girbola, '
which is intended to facilitate skipping
by adidts. .Mr. I'niu-li is fortunately
enabled to supplement the Times notice
I iy testimonials from various eminent
sufferers who have derived benefit from
the new invention :
I>K.\R l>oiToit, After fifty years of
agonising immobility, 1 was persuaded
by the perusal of your fascinating
pamphlet to give your system ;v trial.
Taking the apparatus on my arm 1
sallied forth into Kensington (lardeus
and "girboled" down the Broad Walk.
The effect, not only on myself but upon
the onlookers, was nothing short of
magical. The enthusiasm of the popu-
lace literally knew no bounds, and I
was escorted back to my house by a
veritable cavalcade of corybantic ad-
mirers. The Education Act, as Lord
ROSEHKRY said, is already doomed, but
passive resistance, reinforced by the
skipping-rope, is hastening its downfall
by leaps and bounds. Very faithfully
yours, JOHN PAGE HOPPS.
DEAR SIR, — After trying ski -ing,
motoring, tobogganing, and looping-the-
loop, I have come to the conclusion that
"Girbola" simply bangs the whole
blooming lot. Ever sincerely,
RUDYARD SKIPLING.
DEAR SIR, — Your invention lias made
a New Woman of me. Formerly I could I
barely wade through ten pages of one of !
Mr. GEORGE MEREDITH'S novels in a fort-
night. Now, with the aid of " Girbola,"
1 am finishing his books at the rate of
one a day. (Lady) AGRIPPA HAHKELL.
DEAR SIR,- -Before using "Girbola"
my dog was a mastiff. He has now,
thanks to your invaluable system, de-
veloped into a perfect Schipperke.
Gratefully yours,
BEATRICE BARBICAN.
DEAR Sin, Kent has long been known
as the Hop County. In recognition of
your splendid invention I venture to
suggest that Gloucester should hence-
forth lie known as the Skip Shire.
Yours humbly. MOI m;i; SKIPTO.V.
Sir THOMAS Liprox wires :— " I'lea.-e
send me a ' Girbola ' at once. I want
to try it on the Skipper :>(' Mmiitrticl; IV."
Why have St. Yitus's Dance? By a
judicious blend of Girbola and the
Cake Walk, this remarkable distinction,
the despair of so many mental scientists,
can be cheerfully dispensed with by
persons of limited' incomes. 'A DVT.]
SEVERE.
Huslaml-ln-ica'diiirj. " 1 MIST TAKE you TO SEE THE WOMAN LIGUTSIXG-CUAXUE ARTIST AT
THE HALLS."
II 'iff. " Is SHE noun? "
Husband. "(iiiKvr! SHE TUTS ON HEK HAT IN LESS THAN FIFTEEN MINLTES."
my
A BACK NUMBER.
DEAR MR. PI-NTH,- The recent .success
of your "Lost Masterpieces" ha.s en-
couraged me to start an Annual devoted
to similar productions. In choosing a
title I hesitated between The Back
Number, Smith's Magazine (after
own name), and The Nineteenth
nnil He j' arc ; but finally decided n
favour of the first of these as having a
greater air of freshness than the others.
For the opening issue, which bears the
date April 1, 1 have succeeded in securing
several articles by well-known masters.
Among these I may mention :
" Crowned Heads 1 have had to do with,
off and on," by Mr. 0. CROMWELL.
"A Puzzle Sonnet,'" by W. S.
"Visits to EUZAUETH,'" by Sir WALTER
RALEIGH.
"A Day with the Little Ones at the
Tower," by RICHARD, Duke of
Gloucester.
" From Beneath the Speaker's Chair,"
by Mr. GUY FAWKES.
I should be obliged if you would
give this notice the prominence it de-
serves.
Yours, in the bonds of Editorship,
J. Anirsns SMITH.
PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
1904.
CAPSULOID
(Condensed for MIIXI
COMEDIES.
-llaU Contwnftvm.)
r
not ln|uiiv the . M-fuslllolied
N.I. I.- THE SCHOOL FOH SCAMJAL.
'ut Hi,' PETER TEAZLE'S Maisonette.
igp
i-iistmnr, ami
effective.
SCENE 1. A .1. ., .
Sir PETER and Lady T. dueovered quarrelling.
Sir I'eter. I don't want to have any words over it, Lady
Tr.v/u:. but 1 must say that the bills you have been running
up are something cruel ! It isn'1 as if you'd been brought,
up to luxury. Before I married you, you were living m a
very poor way -no class at all !
Lndii Tecude. Well, J 'm sure. Sir PETER, and why should
h:i\e married a Miiffy old josser like you, three times my age,
except for his oof?' 1 like to cut a' dash and do things in
style and you can't do that on the cheap !
Sir /'. Now just you take it from me. These goings on
have got to stn/t do you hear me?
Lady T. (irith hauteur). I hear you, Sir PETER, and, not
being wishful to demean myself by having a vulgar row over
trilles. I shall now leave the apartment. [Exit, mtli dignity.
Sir /'. (to himself). We lead a cat-and-dog life together
and yet, after all, there 'a a snmetliimj about the girl that —
(Kilter Sir OLIVER SURFACE). What, my old pal, Sir OLIVER!
Why, I thought you were at Calcutta.
>'/'/• Olii-i'i: So I was. But I've come over unbeknown, to
test the dispositions of my two nephews, JOSEPH and CHARLES.
As they have never beheld my old dial they are not likely to
recognise my identity.
Sir P. Well, JOSEPH is all right — as moral as they make
'cm; but as for CHARLES oh lor! he is a hot 'un, and no
mistake ! Up to his ears in debt, and — but soft ! unless I 'm
mi-taken, I hear his voice in the passage.
Sir 0. He must not spot me as his Uncle OLIVER. Intro-
duce me as a moneylender — Mr. PETER PREMIUM.
Charles Surface, (enters). Hullo — 'ullo! I low goes it, Sir
PETER ? Who 's this old geeser ?
Sir P. This gentleman, CHAKI.ES, is Mr. PETER PREMIUM, a
moneylender.
Charles. Good biz ! Just the party I was looking out for.
Mr. PREMIUM, can you oblige me with a temporary advance?
Sorry to say 1 've no security left to offer you — except the
family portraits.
Sir 0. The family portraits ! (Aside) The young waster!
(Aland) Surely you wouldn't part with them?
Charles. You can have the whole boiling for three hundred
quid that is, except the likeness of my Uncle NOLL. The
old bird 's always done the handsome by me, so I shall stick
to his picture.
Sir 0. (aside). He has a feeling heart after all ! But I will
test him further. (Aloud) As it happens, that is just the
portrait 1 want most. I'll give you another three hundred
for your Uncle NOLL. Is it a deal?
Charles. Not much ! Put up your dirty splosh, little
PREMIUM ! Uncle NOLL ain't for sale, and there you have it
in a word !
Sir I), (untile). A noble nature! (Alond, olj'eriii,/ notes)
Well, well, here is the three hundred for the others.
I'liurles. You can pass 'em on to a Mr. STANLEY, who has
written to me for assistance— -an old chum of Uncle OLIVER'S
who is down on his lurk. I promised I'd give him a leg
Sir ]'. Well, now you see what a careless extravagant
young chap CIIAI.-LES is. Tarts with everything he has! '
Sir 0. Kxcept my picture! (/,,«./;* ,,'„/ „( ,riii<l,,,r.) Hut
Introduce me to him as
who is the serious young man in black I see approaching
vour front door?
" Sir P. Your nephew JOSEPH- who is very different to
what CHARLES is— 1 shouldn't wonder if he was coming to
call here.
Sir 0. Then I will test him next.
Mr. STANLEY.
Knler JOSEPH SURFACE.
Joseph. T came to inquire after your health, Sir PF.TEU.
For the man who neglects the calls of friendship
,S'ir /'. As moral as ever, I see, JOSEPH ! -Mr. STANLEY .Mr.
JOSEPH SURFACE. Mr. JOSEPH SURFACE— Mr. STANLEY. Now-
yon know one another.
Sir <>. 1 am an old friend of your Uncle ( (LIVER'S, Sir, and,
being unfortunately stoney-broke at present, I should take
it very kind if you could see your way to assisting me with
a trifle till the luck turns.
Joseph. Believe me, my dear Sir, I would willingly do so
if I could. But, alas ! I haven't a stiver to spare !
Sir i>. Why, I thought your rich Uncle OLIVER supplied
you with ?
Joseph. Uncle OLIVER! Oh dear no. He's very near.
Why, he never sent me anything in his life except one of
those nests of painted boxes which you can buy for a bob in
Oxford Street !
Sir 0. (aside). And I 've allowed this beauty five hundred
a year ! (Aloud) Ah, I wasn't aware of thai.
Joseph. No, of course not — but it 's a fact. All I can do
is to put in a word for you with my Uncle, if I get the
chance, and I'll promise that with all the pleasure in life.
Sir 0. That's uncommonly good of yon!
word with you in private.
Sir PETLI;. a
-/l n-itli Sir P.
Joseph (alone, to himself). That's the worst of being a
good young man. Everybody expects you to help them. I
am up a bit of a stick. I am really courting .M \RIA, who is
an heiress and Sir PETER'S ward — but 1 have, somehow, got
into a serious flirtation with Lady TEAZLE. Here comes ,M M.-IA.
— No, it's Lady T. (Enter Lady TEAZLE.) I called to try if I
couldn't get you to come and see my library this afternoon.
Lady T. What, alone ? But shall I not be compromising
my reputation?
Joseph. Not you! Don't you run away with any such
idea. My reputation's good enough for two any day.
Lady T. In that case, perhaps, I may risk it. [E*it i;.
Joseph (aside). I do not want her particular! v but she is
mine— mine! [Exit].. Change to: —
SCENE 2. — A Library in JOSEPH SURFACE'S Vint. JOSEPH
discovered, alone.
Joseph (at unndow). A cab ! Lady T. at last ! Those old
I will place this screen
Enter Lady T.) Why,
cats opposite must not see her here.
before the window. (lie does so.
Lady T., you do look upset. Take a cliair.
Lady T. I am rather put out. Lady SNFERWELL, Mrs.
( ANIX)UR, and all that lot have been saying such nasty ill-
natured things about me and your brother CHARLES. 'And
Sir PETER is getting the hump over it. Though I'm sure
he 's no reason to !
Joseph. Believe me, the best way to preserve your reputa-
tion is to lose it. And by this hand, which Sir 'PETER is un-
worthy of [Seizes her hand; ,i knock <il the door.
Lady T. Sir PETER'S knock! I know it well! Where
shall I hide? Ah, I will nip behind this screen till he is
g°ne- [She does go.
Joseph (seats himself at tahle with hook as Sir P enters). Is
that .von Sir PETER? Pardon me, I was so absorbed in mv
studies that
Sir P. Ever the bookworm, I perceive. But I came to
consult you about this gossip concerning mv wife and your
brother CHARLES.
Al'ltll. I), I '.ID I.;
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
I'M
. Hear, dear inc. I shouldn't
have thought it. of CHAKI.KS. It really is
downright sickening !
NY/1. 1 knew yon 'd be shocked. A
moral young man like you, who is court-
iii.i; MARIA.' The fact, is, Lady T. and I
can't .iro on together any longer; hut.
as I can't help being fond of her, I 'm
going lo make her a handsome allowance,
and leave her everything when I gooff
the limks. What, a slap-up screen
you 've trot tliere !
It 'IK rather a choii-e article.
\\\'liixlliinj lii'nnl niilxiilf.) Coiifonnd it
liere 's CHARLES !
NY /'. I 've an idea. You pump him
alionl Lidy T., and I'll get behind that
screen and listen.
• I us,' i ili. Not. there! Fact is, there's a
little French milliner behind that She
wouldn't like I/HU to see her.
NY /'. I to-ho-ho ! So you 're no better
than the rest of 'em, eh? All right,
this cupboard will do inc.
\<!cix into cupboard.
I 'l/nrlex (fillers). \Vhat-lio ? So you 're
all alone by yourself, are yon ?
Joxeph. Er -quite so. Audi want to
speak to yon seriously, Cu \ui.ES, about
the way in which you have been dis-
turbing the domestic peace of that
worthy man. Sir PETER TEAZLE.
('Itarlcx. What, me! Go along! Who
are you getting at now? Why, it's
UABU / 'm after. I always thought you
were the one I^ady T. —
Joseph. Chuck it, can't you ! Sir
PETER 's in that cupboard there — he '11
hear you !
Charles. I '11 soon have him out of
that. (Ih-injx Sir P. out of cupkixinL)
Hullo— 'ullo -what are you playing at
in there?
NY Peter. I was only listening, but
1 heard quite enough to clear your
character. (A rimj outside.) Why,
JOSEPH, you're not going?
Joxejili. Visitors 1 must put them
off. (.\xiile in Sir P.) Mind you don't
let on about the milliner. ' l-'.i-it.
< 'Inn-lex, liegnlar strait-laced chap
.Tosi:i'H is, ain't, he?
NY I', llo-lio not so much as you
fancy! Why, he's got. a little French
milliner behind that, screen there!
('Inn-lex. JOSEPH lias? I say, what a
game! I'll have her out! ('I'lu-mrx
ilaini xcreen. nx JosKI'H retin-iin uith
Sir OLIVER.) (Jreat. Scott! It's Lady
TEAZLE! (N<p/ix<i/j<i/i ; fin-lure.) So xlie '.s-
the little l-'rench ha-lia-ha ! Who's
disturbing Sir PETER'S domestic peace
iwir, eh, JOE?
i. \ can explain all. The truth
hull/ T. A lie, Sir PETER. I came
very near being taken in by the insidious
artfulness of that canting iiumbug but
since I overheard your very handsome
intentions towards me, I have come to
RATES AND TAXES.
Ronald. " MOTHER, IH THERE A TAX ON BAHIES?"
Mother. "No, KONAI.D. WiiY'.-1"
h'unald. "BECAUSE, MOTHEK, IN THE PAPER IT SAYS THAT THE BlRTII I?ATK IS LOWER THIS
MONTH."
my senses, and now see the error of my
conduct.
Sir P. Then we will say no more about
it, and never differ again !
[They embrace.
NY 0. Hooray — hooray !
I'/nn-les. Here, what's little PREMICM
hooraying for? -- it's no business of his.
Come, you hook it !
Joseph. Excuse me, his name isn't
PiiEMtr.M — it's STANLEY, (let out, Mr.
STANLEY. After this 1 decline to speak
for you to my Uncle OLIVER.
Sir 0. Do you, though? I happen
to be your Uncle OLIVER. CHARLES, my
boy, as you wouldn't part with im-
port rait, I will pay all your debts.
NY P. And I will give him the hand
of my ward, .M MIU. As for JOSEPH
l.iu/i/ 7'. \Ve will leave the white-
livered sneak to his own reflections.
Come, Sir I'ETEH.
Joseph. One moment. The man who
can endure to be misunderstood without
sentiments of —
NY /'. Oh, blow your sentiments!
We've had quite enough of them -and
you too !
[Exit irilh Lady T., Sir 0. mxl
( 'IIMII.KS fiillniriiiij.
Joseph (alone). I begin to see, tixi
late, that Hypocrisy is not altoayt the
best Policy !
(Curtain.) F. A.
THE name of the new "Trust" public-
house, " The Waterman's Arms," has led
many into the error of supposing that it
is a temperance establishment. \\ e are
informed that to avoid similar mistakes
in the future the next one to be built
will In' called "The Moderate Consumer's
Legs."
"
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVARI.
[Apirn,
HOLIDAY HINTS.
I/,';/ tin' l-'..ri'i'rl Wrink/tT.)
WllEHE to spend Saturday to .Monday
is. of course, the prevailing and stub-
born problem in many of the stately
homes of England. What then must
I,,, the difficulty when the question Jo he
answered is where to spend the Kaster
holidays? The reply depends, of course.
very much upon the time that can be
expended upon the vacation. If, to
take an example, a gentleman has only
a week at his disposal, il is little use his
thinking very seriously of India or the
Capo; 'but Paris is, of course, well
within his power. Given a fortnight
he might get as far as Rome if he
wMie'i to. although for my part I prefer
.Monte. On this favourite resort, how-
ever, I need not dwell at present, as my
readers will remember a paragraph on
.Monte and suitable costume' there which
I wrote some two or three years ago on
the occasion of one of the infrequent
breakings of the bank.
THE IDEAL EOFIPMEXT.
Any gentleman who really wishes to
acquire a reputation as a citizen of the
world must, be supplied with a large
number of travelling outfits which he
can pack at a moment's notice. A com-
pendious bag fitted with requirements
for the moors is always handy under im-
bed ; and I am ready to start for the
Iviviera, the Xormandy coast, Paris,
Switzerland, the Bavarian Alps, the
Rhine, Norway, Palestine, Iceland, at
ten minutes notice, according as the
invitation may be worded. No gentle-
man at all in demand can afford to
dispense with such preparations. But
to make travel really pleasant, remember
that you must not only do in Rome as
Rome does, but you must dress as Rome
(or Paris) expects you to.
THE NEEDS OF T\i;is.
Paris being the favourite Easter resort
I cannot do better, even at the risk of
repeating myself, than give a few hints
as to costume in the gay city. A
strong light suit, of tweed dittoes, of a
pronounced check pattern, should be
the basis of one's wardrobe. By way of
headgear a deer-stalker, a cloth, or best
of all, a pith helmet, is de r'njucin- in
the English visitor, and if you are not
provided by Nature with side-whiskers
and long projecting front teeth, you
must call in the resources of art to make
i h'-.-e deficiencies.
A SF.NSIBI.I: Swiss Oi TFI r.
Fora Swiss tour I should recommend
the following outfit. A dome-shaped
celluloid hat for resisting the impact of
avalanches: two climbing suits of stout
\\elsh homespun or Jrisii frieze (do not
make the mistake of wounding the
susceptibilities of the local fawna by
choosing chamois-leather, otherwise an
excellent substance); hot-water tube
puttees and porpoise-hide brogues. A
• rood supply of alpenstocks and blue
veils is indispensable. For hotel life
I recommend tourists to take their own
mosquito curtains, a pianola, and a
portable swimming-bath. The changes
of temperature in Switzerland are so
sudden that one must be prepared lor
every emergency. If the noontide glare
has to be faced, 'bombazine bloomers will
be found most refreshing. But il the
Matterliorn is to be scaled by moonlight
you cannot, be too warmly clad.
NATIONAL (Vsn ME.
What I would impress on any intend-
ing traveller, then, is to be prepared
wi'lhin certain limits to accommodate
his dress to that of the country he
proposes to visit. It is quite a mistake
to suppose that this will involve any
serious outlay. Foreigners, though
sensitive, are considerate, and will not
expect strangers to adopt every detail of
their national costume. For instance,
I have found that the alterations needful
for a visit to Vienna are very few indeed.
The absolute minimum is a butterfly tie,
but I should also recommend a bottle of
pommn.de Hongroise and a tall hat with
a flat brim. The ordinary brim can be
made to lie flat with a little coaxing, and
can be curled up afterwards by any
good hatter. High heels also create a
favourable impression on the foreign
mind, and if you take a black coat be
sure that it is heavily braided.
THE TYROL AND ITALY.
I knew a man who said that you
would be welcomed anywhere in the
Tyrol if you could only jodel. Per-
sonally, though I think that a little
tul-hd-liety ! may be a passport to the
affections of the Tyrolese peasant, it has
no influence whatever with hotel-keepers.
For Italy a velvet or velveteen coat will
make you feel at home, and if this
should prove beyond the resources of
your purse then I strongly recommend
earrings as the irreducible minimum.'
The preliminary operation, I admit, is a
little painful, but it, soon passes off.
Earrings, with a red Garibaldi shirt and
a Myron tie, give a man a very stylish
and thoroughly peninsular appearance.
ANSWERS TO COREESPOXDEXTS.
BEAU BnuiiMEL (Bucks).— (1) I should
recommend your using a patent safety
razor; (2) If your man cannot tie your
white ties satisfactorily, I should buy
them already made-up.
NOIILESSE OBLIGE (Putney).— If you do
not like to advertise the fact that you
are a teetotaller, arrange with the waiter
that when you order Kummel he shall
bring you plain water in a liqueur glass. !
LOTHAK.IO (Camden Town).— A' cheap
and useful present, for your fianeie
would be a box of a dozen "Deliciii"
handkerchiefs. They are made in ex-
tremely pretty designs, and only cost
Girf. the box.
"THINGS SEEN."
i\\'lili <ii><>li></it'K id the fortunate observers
<>f tltc " Duili/ Chronicle,")
PERIL.
THE K'lli'iiiniii- with urgent paddles
forced her implacable insistent way
towards Margate. The sea basked in
opalescent beauty implicit with repose.
We were Hearing our destination rapidly ;
the friendly pier even now beaconed in the
offing, when an arresting thing hap-
pened. Far on the horizon a huge
steamer loomed, making, as it seemed,
straight for our teeming craft.
The suspense was terrible. Would
she run us down? Every minute
brought her nearer : she could not be-
more than a mile away. Would our
helmsman be equal to the occasion V
On every side I saw the bright eyes of
danger, as STEVENSON calls them. Women,
lately so vocal, were still ; strong men
laid aside their pipes. The Captain,
stern and white, implicit with deter-
mination, gripped the rail of the bridge.
Thus passed the minutes until the
two vessels were broadside, the other
about a quarter of a mile to port, and
a great outstanding shout of relief weal
up from every throat.
At that moment my eye chanced on a
leaflet, which had been dropped by some '
proselytising tripper. It, was entitled,
"In the midst of life we are in death."
I shuddered as I thought of the escape.
and immediately afterwards was giving
a penny to a member of a minstrel
troupe. Such is life, a mingled yarn.
SPEED.
It was the last 'bus. With the lights
of home before him the driver laid on
the lash with a will, and away we sped,
like the wind. In the exaltation of that
delirious pace I lifted my voice and SJUILT
loud and lustily. A phrase of WHIT-
MAN'S had been obsessing me all day
with dull insistence, and I sang it now :
There is no stoppage and never can lie stoppage.
If I, you, and the world, and all beneath m-
upon their surfaces, were this nmnH i-t
reduced to a pallid ghost, it would not
avail in the long run,
We should surely bring up again where we
now stand,
And surely go as much farther, and farther,
and farther.
On we went, on and on, past houses
and lamp-posts and policemen, and all
the while I sang, oblivious to all save
the arresting rapture of flight.
At length I was interrupted bv a
Ami. (I. 1904.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
243
Algy (suddenly taking the change out of liix pm-lift nu<l I'.ninii
SuVKHKIIA VM. A SCCPUd lol: IllilScllXll IS 1IKRK HtOM THE Cl.l'U!"
"MY man F'I.I.\, YOI '1:1: ALWAYS OVERDOIN' IT. A SOVF.REIUX WOULD HAVE BEEN AMPLE !"
it). "I SAY, Oi.n MAN, WHAT 10 Yor THINK?' I UAVK <mt CABBY A
hand on my shoulder and a voice saying,
" Now, tlicM, Guvnor, when you 've i|niic'
limit1. Cant have all this TOW going OB
iii tin' yard." I glanced round. We
wore truly in llu> yard, and tlic horse.-,
\\crc already in their stalls. [ could
hear the sound of their insistent
vegetarian munching.
Sadly I retraced the mile to my
lodgings. As 1 did sol stumbled ove'r
a book carele-^ly dropped by u passer-
by. It was STKVKNSON'S .\l,'ii and liiinkx.
'I'he pa ye lell open at the essay on
\VIIITM\N, and 1 read in tlie sickly light
of the yas. " Xo singer, it is true, this
brave \V.\i.i : but there are better thinys
than sony."
'I'lie la rye dininy-ludl was full. It
bii/,/.ed with badinage and yood fellow-
ship. Around me sat all that was be>t
in public life, literature and art met
toyether to the ylory of that old Persian
poet who- left us this rich and ruddy
credo. Here was a critic whose lightest
word means fame or despair to a thou-
sand authors ; there a poet whose mere
name sets every heart atlirob with ex-
pectant ecstasy. Xext me was a novelist
to whom the human soul has no secrets.
Philosophers, playwrights, humourists,
publicists, sat side by side, made one
by the 1'ederatiny powers of wit and
devotion. London had surpassed even
her brilliant outstanding self.
Suddenly some one propounded a
simple problem — "How many parts of
speech are there? " Individual opinion
was asked. The question ran insistent
from guest to guest. " Four," said one ;
" five," another ; " thirty-nine," a third
hazarded ; and so on — all visibly uneasy.
No one knew for certain.
In the midst of this perplexity a
waiter chanced to pause behind my
chair — a slight pale youth who had
attended to me very badly. I put the
question to him.
"Nine," he said.
Ah, mystery of human life, paradox
of learning! The race is not always to
the Mvil'i, nor the battle to the strong.
A DISCIPI.E.
Just as I turned into Holborn I per-
ceived the small eayer compact insistent
crowd that indicates that a horse is
down. I peered over the heads of the
surging spectators at the supine friend
of man. It was a chestnut mare of some
thirty summers.
" Yes. Sir," said the policeman to
whom 1 put the usual question. " Ves.
Sir" (they always call me Sir, and I
never omit to say so). " Yes, Sir, it s a
horse down, sure enough. (But as
KMKKSOX says, ' We cannot always be on
our feet.' "
1 grasped his hand : " You, too, know
the sweet Sage of Concord '{ "
"Know him?" said the policeman,
" blimy, Sir, he 's beef and beer to me ! "
A VKIIV young lady of Shoreham
Stole some clothes of her brother's and
wore 'em ;
But her family said,
As they sent her to bed.
That it showed a great want of decorum.
I'lixtniixti-i'xx (rfndnuj oyrtele-
gram). ••Detained cannot dine with you
to-night." Wad ye no say ye 're sorry.
Sir? Yej-an dae it for the saxpcnce.
THE EASTER VACATION.
i,n,cr. "\VKI.I, THE I-.K.II OLD MOKE AIN'T BEES QUITE 'ISSELF LATELY, so WE TIIOUOHT A DAY IN THE COUNTRY 'UD DO 'm GOOD ! '
FRONTI NI1LIA FIDES.
[ToMI'KISs, liavint; religiously read the leading articles and political
news, hunts lliroujili liis newspaper for something interesting. He
hits on a likely looking paragraph.]
THIS sounds as if it should appeal to me;
I like lo kivp aluvast of modern thought;
"A scientist's sii|icrli discovery!
New theory \vith vital interest fraught."
I wonder what (he new discovery is!
Something of vast importance, I've no doubt;
It 's marvellous what clever theories
These scientific men keep throwing out.
1 'II wager now that one of these great guns
lias M>a red above "arlli's trivial cares and strife,
( dappled with worlds, wrung truth from far-off suns,
And solved the deepest mysteries of life.
Vnconqiiered. undeterred l>y space or time,
With balanced mind he sifted false from true,
And here, in language cogently sublime,
He gives the issue. Come ! let 's read it through.
" Man's destiny is hidden in the stars " ;
(That 's a good phrase, by George ! and comes out pat.)
" We get no help from Jupiter and Mars."
(H'm, yes ! That 's so. 1 've often thought of that.)
" Pure scientific Truth must be our guide ;
With her we search through Nature's wide domain.
What do we find ? We see on every side
That man's inheritance is one of pain."
(That 's true. We 've got to put up with a lot.)
" But shall his soul on that account despair?
Can Science labour vainly ? May we not
Find means to lift the load he has to bear ?
" At last a remedy is found," (That 's good !)
" A perfect anodyne for daily ills.
Would you be happy? " (Yes, of course I would.)
" Then send for Piccolo, Maria s Pills ! "
ITKCIl. OR TIIK I.()X|H)\ CHARIVARI. APRIL I1,. I'.IOI.
. .
TAILS, I WIN!
Hi. I lov. Sii; II. C.-B. "HERE'S A BIT OF LUCK! BEST CHANCE I'VE YET HAD OF
(IF/ITIXG IN ! "
I1., I'.KII.'
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
247
THE TABLETS OF AZIT-TIGLETH-MlPHANSI, THE SCRIBE.
1. O.-tsTix-TiiArEiiKin, the offspring of
tsdad
2. tin- great Shuv-menel ,ir.
3. the t:ixer of imports, the Haibari
M;il, 'I,
4. \vhosp eye looked through crystal,
the Ion I
5. of Invektlv (the son did the taxing
while
Ij. In1 did the nil'ui'j}, lord of doit
7. iind divittem; who. slightly af-
I'evte I by
6. megoLomtnyah, appointed com-
missions
'.'. under Idsroil-salpJtar ; and from
sheer Force
1". of habit, returning from Egypt,
as he
11. got in his lidiixttiiim, called up to
Hu-
ll', driv.-r, "Home -Biikkinam-palis." }
. . . one can <|uite understand it.
.... I I. el 's see, where was I?
oh!) Orstin-thaperkih
II. in the Treasury iliil sit
'•"'• face i" hoe with the liujjit
:nid eh midnight
Hi. oil did he lavish upon it. (If was
rather rough1
17. luck that a shortage of monev
afflicted the country .
I'S- • • :i >ll''lllll'l. :/,,,!! -,1,'rH.^il. J|;lli_
ClOtlS opponent., «i id
III. all o[ it due to
l'l>. the c njri-i:: o|' l.-.par.'l
-I. And just about, this time an
>b\ ions feeling
22. of abject I'oreboling spread all
through the ranks of
SEVENTEEN?] I FRAGMENT.
23. the Yum/anifr-tpdtt; things looked
a Blt-rokki
24. they got a Bit-slierti and couldn't
stand speeches from Uinstan and Silih,
25. ostentatiously folding their Hnr-
mrnam-toqcus around them and leaving
the building
26. — a petulant insult
•21. The Bit-Plumki, the Blt-shlvvri,
the Blt-sheki
2S. did quake like the aspen.
29. For there came in from all sides
30. marrok-phrlrin reports of how
31. strongholds were falling all over
32. the country ; Argailslmh, Ist-
dorsit, Midharfad
33. (etsettrah) (Mene, Mene,and Tekel,
and likewise
34. Upharsin — as plain as a pike-
staff!) . . .
35. For the Sobbaz and Rantaz, and
wearers of broadcloth,
•'!('>. the thumpers of tubs of the largest
37. had at last got a war-cry that paid
te ; were running <uii/>l;
3S. in Colonial matters, tearing
passion to
39. tatters, consumed by the
same old
40. astounding delusion . . . they
were saving their country
II. from moral destruction bv damn-
ing it
42. wholesale.
43. They'd discovered a bread-mew
description of
II. slave-trade (for which Art'iab-:i!-
Phur and Milnah and uth-rs
4u. deserved to be tattooed all over
41!. broad-arrows !)
47. They painted a picture tram
pontiue and lurid ;
48. poor natives of China dragged off
by their
49. plgh-tels by Downing Street states-
men, deluded and shrieking,
50. from the midst of their sorrow-in;'
friends and relations,
51. their poor, yellow faces all haggard
and tear-stained
52. till . . really (excuse me
.... one moment !
53 Thanks, now I feel
better !) . . .
54. carted off in the hold of a slave-
ship and treated
55. like rodents ; then driven in
herds
50. (under Hebrew task-masters with
prominent noses, in diamond studs
57. and massive gold watch-chains)
58. to the hideous workings where
no light ever enters,
."•'.I. there to slave for their brutal
detectable drivers
lid. in cimmerian darkness
(what on earth is cimniPrian ? Still. 1
like it, ...
lil . it sounds well !)
62. till dr.iggfd to their dungeons, --
their nauseous compounds.
('>'•> A yellow edition of
/ y/c/c Tnni'ii < 'uliiii : in the year
64. nineteen hundred and four it's
too shocking ! !
('.">. And all this while sober, avail
able white men
MS
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 6, 1904.
CO. are eagerly waiting on piers and
mi platforms (but mostly on platforms)
for rapid
(17. transhipment. — Respectable mem-
bers nl' British trades unions !
C8. — all ousted for these yellow,
almond-eyed martyrs,
(il). poor, caged orientals who pine
for their usual
70. luncheon of puppy, sobbing heart-
broken prayers to the spurious
71. splendour of Brummagem idols
72. They really persuaded electrified
workmen
73. (at late bai-el£kshans)
71. that tln-ir ardent desires were
ruthlessly blighted by tins' influx
75. "of iriyli-tt-lx ; but they haven't,
lorbleasyah,
76. the smallest intention of leaving
a country like England
77. where pubs are so handy and
strikes are so frequent
78. and football editions come out
every half-hour
79. (it is strange how athletic these
workmen are getting
80. — by proxy ! I shrewdly suspect
there is some other motive !)
81. If they went to the Transvaal, I
fancy it
8.?. wouldn't be long before work
was suspended
83. to attend semi-finals, —
84. the Kaffir Corinthians versus
Hotten(ham)totspurs
85. ... or something of that sort.
86. What remarkable friendships
these philanthropist persons
87. contrive to get hold of ! ....
88. Having wept on the shoulders of
towzled Boer leaders
89. and moistened the heaving and
redolent jibbalis
90. of unsehvari-arOsbz,
91. they throw their ekstatikJi, hys-
terik embraces
92. (clasping black - thread - gloved
fingers)
93. round the necks of astonished
haipoUict ik-al-k iiliz
94. and bathe the excessively promi-
nent cheek-bones of their newly-found
allies in
95. tears of emotion .... But the
whole thing 's
00. d nonsense. E. T. R.
Show Sunday Visitor (inspecting fui-
idicd irork of R.A.\ 0 yes, I like that.
I should go on with that, if I were YOU.
The New Lord Warden of the
Cinque Ports.
WHAT? "Horrid torrid India?" ---Si nil'!
Lord (Yii/.oN round it C(Xil enough ;
In fact, the subject of our rhyme
Comes home to seek a \Y (timer clinic !
A RISING INDUSTRY.
Tire increasing claims of Romantic
Literature to take rank among our more
honourable trades cannot much longer be
disregarded. Mr. J'iuti-/i, ever anxious
to be ilans — or even a little ahead of
/c moiirt'ini'itl, and profiting by the
example set by Mr. FISHEII Uxwix, who
advocates tin- merits of his new novels
in a portable liouse-to-liouse folding
poster, admirably designed and coloured,
and as good in its way as anything in
the Soap and Mineral Water line of
irrliiinc Mr. I'unch is prepared to com-
pose advertisements for popular authors,
and will forward designs on application.
The followingsamples, tliouglmncoloured
and without illustration, will serve to
give a rough idea of his methods : —
MESSRS. HALL CAINE, LTD.
(Successors to William Sliakspeare,
dec.)
beg to announce the publication
of a new novel
THE MANXTEll.
No effort has been spared to make
this work the best of its kind on the
market.
Please compare our quality with
that of other houses.
The Original Manufacturers.
CROCKETT'S SCOTCH YARNS.
Novels produced with
PUNCTUALITY AND DlSPATCH.
Beware of Imitations.
Mefiez-vous aiix contrefacons.
THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME,
AND NO HOLMES LIKE DOYLE'S, j
Only address : STRAND.
A. S. SWA.V AND HOCKINT;
Guarantee all work turned out by
them to be ENTIKELY INNOCUOUS.
Next book :
THE TAME CURATE.
TRY IT.
I hear they want
MOKK BOOTHBY.
SPOILT CHILDREN.
[AT a recent meeting of the London Court
of Common Council, Alderman Sir TIIOM.U
IliiooKK-JfiTeiiiNu, speaking in support of a
motion, to reduce the age limit for tile employ-
input of children, said he did not believe that
going to work early in life was deleterious lo
a child. Some of England's greatest men had
begun life by going to work at six. seven, or
eight years ol' age, but nowadays children had
so much time to themselves thai they acquired
laxy hithits unless they were under control.]
Yor sentimental faddists say
That children ought to loaf away
In pampered e;ue each idle day
At least till their eleventh year;
You let them dawdle up the Tree
Of Knowledge, nor insist with me
That every infant ought to be
At work before its seventh year.
My aldermanic feelings boil
When I consider how you spoil
The brats who should be taught to toil :
You let them waste their golden time
And learn lo gamble, smoke and bet,
Instead of teaching them to get
Their daily pap by honest sweat,
As infants did in olden time.
It maddens me—this wasteful ride
That children so mature should fool
Whole days away attending school
Where nothing they are taught to do,
But vain accomplishments they learn,
Which only serve their heads to turn
And make their fierce ambitions burn
Long, long before they ought to do.
When our great grandsires were alive,
Their sons at six or even five
Were sent to labour in the hive
The youngsters grew industrious,
And by the time that they were at
The age when any modern brat
Is only lazy, sleek and fat,
Already were illustrious.
No idle hours their life disgraced—
They did not cultivate a taste
For muddy oafishness, nor waste
Blue afternoons in cricketing ;
From morn to night with pick and spade
They plied the collier's noble trac'e,
Or, if a strike were on, essayed
The manly art of picketing.
Thus exercised the livelong day,
In soul and body prospered they,
Nor prematurely fell a prey
To twelve-year-old senility ;
But toiling ever, tools in hand,
They early came to understand
The dignity of labour and
The virtue of utility.
SCENE : Margate Beacli on 7sWrr.l/om/in/.
First Lin/;/. () here comes a steamer.
How high she is out of the water.
Kci-Miid Lmli/. Yes, dear, but don't you
see ? It 's because 1 lie tide 's so low.'
. <;. L904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
I
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. si
CO ~£
< £. -.
O U. [_
— -V;
§ !|
LU £ .
LU ^
111 • |
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250
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Arm:, 0, 1901.
THE WIRE-PULLERS.
II. — Tine AxTi-ToviiisTs.
FOR months I had been vaguely
conscious of his existence. At almost
f\ery turn in my journeyings OH the
Continent I had met with petty annoy-
ances— small things in themselves, but
considerable in the aggregate. In Hol-
land, for instance, there was the absurd
monetary system. In Germany there
was the impossibility of getting any-
thing to eat more, civilised than raw
ham. In Austria it was the ubiquity of
sham Tyrolese peasants. In Italy I
had to record the leading dates of my
life on my circular ticket. In France 1
couldn't get my morning tub. There
was not the least doubt that some
directing influence was behind it all. I
could feel that there was at work some
powerful mind, whose owner eluded
me.
So I set about catching him.
Italian railways seemei I 1 < > < >ffer the best
chance of success. I discovered an obscure
village which was about to be connected
by a new line with one of £he main
tourist routes. I took up my residence
in the town from which the new line
branched, and waited till it was opened.
Then I bought a return ticket and
travelled by the first train that was run.
What I expected happened. The out-
ward journe}7 was the perfection of
comfort. I stayed the night at the
village and returned the next day.
Again what I expected happened. Com-
fort had given place to chaos. The
influence was at work. I waited on the
platform and looked out for my man.
His self-satisfied air was unmistakable.
I cornered him outside the ticket barrier
and grasped his throat.
" You brute ! " I gasped. " So I 've
got you, have I?"
He confessed without emotion that I
had.
"Why do you do it?" I asked.
" Will you tell me if I stand you a bottle
of wine ? "
"Not Italian wine," he pleaded.
"French, then."
" Very well," he agreed, and we
repaired to a restaurant.
"You've given me a lot of trouble,"
he said wearily when he was comfortably
seated. " You see, you 've been travelling
at the wrong time. This is not the
tourist season."
' I prefer not to travel during the
tourist season."
"Ah, really? Then you're not a
tourist ?"
"1 am here chiefly on business."
"-My dear Sir," he exclaimed, " pray
ac •<>] >t my apologies. I misjudged you.
Hut that Gladstone bag of yours, and
the suit case, and the soft grey felt, hat—
if you 're not a tourist, you must admit
all these things are misleading. 1 have
only appearances to guide me, and it
seems to me you've not been playing
the game fairly. I hold my signed
orders, and duty must be done — however
pleasant it is."
" Certainly," I said, " but what exactly
do you conceive to be your duty? "
"Well, it's a secret, but the cat's
already half out of the bag, and — the
wine is really quite tolerable. Besides,
you 're not a tourist." He leaned forward
and whispered, " I am the agent of the
British Watering-place Trust. For some
years the dividends of that excellent
hody had been falling, and there was
a general feeling among shareholders
that the attractions of the Continent
were ruining the Home hotel and board-
ing-house industry. So the directors
met to consider ways and means, and
my appointment is the result. I am
commissioned to make Europe so un-
inviting to strangers that no one will care
to go there. I control a gigantic secret
service."
I nodded. My worst fears were being
realised.
" One branch of our work," he went
on, " is the. preparation of guide-books
that tell you nothing you want to know.
BJRDEKER is the great obstacle in my
path there. I should like to kill
B.ICDEKER. I believe I should have killed
him by this time if it hadn't been for
his ' Manual of Conversation." That has
practically saved his life. Have you
ever tried to use it ? "
" Yes," I said ; " and it 's like trying
to learn chess with a handbook. Your
opponent never will give the right reply-
to your opening."
" Exactly. I reckon that the embar-
rassments occasioned by the use of that
Manual have cured enough tourists to
spoil COOK'S fortune. COOK is another of
my pet aversions. I 'm not at all sure that
his life is safe. It wouldn't be worth an
hour's purchase if I could get him into
Corsica. His ticket system is the despair
of my people. We rely very largely on
the difficulties connected with getting
tickets. All that business of clipping
them every mile or two, and writing
your name on them, and so on, is fairly
effective, but tourists don't mind that so
much when they haven't had the trouble
of buying them with foreign money in a
foreign language."
" \\ here do you turn most of your
attention ? "
" Oh, to Italy. I 've taken infinite
pains with Italy. With the railways
especially. Take an < rdi nary case- the
journey from Florence to Pisa. If you
go by the time-table it takes two hours ;
il you go by train it takes anything Tip
t ) five. Then you 've probably noticed
t'lat there is hardly ever enough room in
the trains ; that people come crowding
in and prevent your getting out ; that
it 's almost impossible to find a porter;
that if you do find a porter you have
to use brute force to make him put
your luggage into a cab instead of
into the private omnibus of some hotel
which you don't wish to patronise.
You have doubtless observed the dim
religious light and the infernal discom-
fort of the carriages. Well, it 's all un-
doing.
" Then the Italian hotels. It would be
hard, I should say, to equal the pitch
of tameness to which I've trained the
mosquitoes. You have only to extend
your naked hand and they 11 come and
eat out of it."
" It 's true," I groaned.
" But of course this is only a small
part of my work. I can't tell you every-
thing. There are the faked-up reports
of Alpine accidents; the waiters who
will talk to you in what they believe to
be your own tongue; German pastry;
the disfigurement of landscapes and old
ruins with restaurants ; and, above all,
the Continental Bradnliaw —
" Yes, yes," I interrupted. " Don't open
old wounds. I 'in glad to have met you,
very glad you've told me all this, par-
ticularly glad you didn't bind me to
secrecy."
" You '11 publish it ? " he asked.
"Undoubtedly."
" Well," he said, confidently, " do
your worst. I shall take a lot of
beating."
TO AN ORANG OUTANG
At the Zoological Gardens.
0 SATYR, when I saw you first
Ranging the roof with fourfold grip,
You (being, so to speak, reversed)
Betrayed no sign of cousinship.
1 never liked the thought, and 1
Was glad to put the matter by.
But when you stood erect of frame,
And stiffly crossed the level stones,
I could no more dispute your claim
Of kinship to my old friend, JOM;S ;
His very gait, his very build !
I'm glad 1 wasn't left undrilled.
And when I gained a closer view,
Your features, as I gazed thereon,
Betrayed a marked resemblance to
My more than brother, Rouresox,
\\ Inch did imply a common race ;
I'm glad I haven't got that face.
But, more than all, your ginger beard,
The rusty carrots on your crown,
Gave you a ludicrously weird
Similitude to dear old BROWN ;
Old BROWN and you would make a pair!
I'm glad I haven't got red hair.
DCM-DUM.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
25 1
MOKK KXIIIIUTS.
TIIK " Invicta," which Sir DAVIP
SM.OMONS- has offered to present to the
London I ' ily ( '"lined to lie placed in
a prominent position in tlic County of
London, dates from IS.'iO, and \vas one
of the lirst locomotives used in this
country. Sonic oilier equally interest
ing survivals might he similarly pill iried.
'I'l arlicst. Hansom ('ah, with model
of its I (river and I'l ographic Altach-
meiit recording the language of the
latter on an island in the' City or
Piccadilly where the Mock is thickest.
The li'rst I'.rilish-made .Motor-car, as
towed by a dray-horse (stuffed) on the
roof of Tatlersall's.
The uldest I'enny Steamboat on the
lop of Lambeth Bridge.
Lamheih I '.rid. ye on the nearest
convenient Scrap-heap.
The first f'l\ ing Machine among the
Branches of any Treewitn which it may
collide in Hyde Park.
The oldest Street-musician — in the
middle of Salisbury Plain.
The iirst. Passive Resister (portrait)-- -
in any cheap stained-glass Window.
HOW NEWSPAPERS INFLUENJ ' K
THE PUBLIC.
[Mr. ,li.n\ linixs, in the del.nte on the County
Conneil Tniimv;iys Hi 11, stated that ;ill the vomit,'
nn'ii \\lin hiiiiihl \vith women fur scuts on the
\Vesii\anstrr buses \vere renders of the Daily
MuiL.
Mi-. I'mti'It'x special inquisitor has gone
round to procure accurate information as
to t he way in which newspapers influence
their readers. This is the result.
The head porter of the Alhambra,
when questioned, said that if he saw a
gentleman sealed in the stalls reading
the N/«v/«hir he knew as if by intuition
that that gentleman would have to ho
chucked out in the course of the evening,
"(ids to their 'cads like champagne,"
observed the stalwart critic.
A railway guard remarked that if a
gentleman objected to others smoking
ilia smoking compartment that gentle-
man always had a copy of the Dnilij
Xfira with him. lie had no positive
lheor\ on the subject, but thought, that
there might be something about the
/)«/'/// AY/r.v printers' ink which made
tobacco smoke objectionable. Ho had
also noticed that ladies reading Hum,'
Clint frequently left their babies behind
in the carriages, and thought, that this
i testimony to the enthralling
qualities of the paper. La. lie.- who read
.I/..!./', were invariably most courteous to
railway servants, lie attributed this to
the fact that they strove to imitate the
.venial fyristocratH described in its pages.
A detective inspectoral Scotland Yard
said that eiiminals as a rule were in-
different as to their choice of newspapers,
lie had noticed though he would not
venture to found a generalisation on
what might be a mere coincidence that
a very large proportion of the bigamists
he hail arrested had a copy of the Bazaar,
/v'.iv/ia /('/«' mill Murl in their possession.
said that so long as customers kept
their place she ignored their newspapers.
She had noticed, however, that if a
L'entloman carried a l>uil// 7V/r;/ni/(/i he
invariably insisted on having "all the
soda."
A distinguished football referee
EARLY INGENUITY.
"\VIHTKVKII .uiK vor Oim.nitFN nontfi?"
" OH, WE 'VE FOUND PA'S FALSE TEETH, *ND WE 'HE TRYING TO KIT THEM ON TO THE
'cos HE HASN'T GOT ANY ! "
The House Surgeon at Bart's Hospital
remarked that some of the most inter-
esting cataleptic cases lie had known
had been brought to the hospital clutch-
ing copies of the Atliencrum. He
invariably cured them by the "red
light" treatment. This was most
expeditiously applied by swathing the
pal lent from head to foot in copies of
I he ti/n>rl iii<j Times.
A real lady, who condescendingly
presides at a railway refreshment bar,
observed that if on entering the field
he saw any section of the onlookers read-
ing the Bock he regarded it as a very
evil omen. He had always found that
in such a case he was ultimately stoned
out of the ground.
A Hooligan stated that it was exceed-
ingly unwise to garrote any wayfarer
who carried a copy of the British Weekly.
"Talk abaht passive resistance," said
this knight of the road; "why don't
they practise what they preach? "
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Arnii. 0, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
A STORY whereof the principal scenes are placed in South
Africa among the Boers is not at first sight calculated to
attract, lh>' Knglish reader; but whoever on this account
dismisses Tin' Xlniltniiilr, written by ALICI-: and ( 'LAI \>K ASKEW,
CHAPMAN AND HALL being the publishers thereof, without
giving more than a cursory glance at this book, will be doing
the authors an injustice, and will be depriving himself or
herself of a very great pleasure. The situations of the tale
are powerfully dramatic, the characters are all clearly defined,
and the interest of the reader, through all the changing
scenes of their life, in sorrow or in joy ("for which overhaul
hymn book, and when found make a note of " — Cuttle),
is never allowed to flag for one single moment. The type
of Boer here represented belongs, as it seems, to the
well-to-do, but rough, untutored, illiterate, farming class,
and not to the superior breed whose young men become
graduates at Oxford and Cambridge, and whose young
women receive their education in Paris. The authors
evidently set themselves a task, and have unflinchingly
carried it out to the bitter end ; yet, from time to time, as
the web is being woven, the Baron fancies he can hear
Mistress ALICE ASKEW pleading that some little consideration
may be shown to the hardly-pressed lover, while, on the other
hand, CLAUDE ASKEW has shown himself willing to yield to Ids
partner's prayer on the sole condition of her extending some
pity to the cruelly-used Shulamitc. Neither would give way,
and the result is the successful achievement of the uncon-
ventional.
Mr. WALTER SIOHEL'S Disraeli (METHUEN) will not fill the
place in biography for which Lord ROWTON'H unbegun book
was sought. He did not know his subject personally, nor has
he access to sources of private information usually supplied
to the authorised biographer. He is dependent for the value
of his book chiefly upon the talent of industry which led
him to diligent search through the published records of
DISRAELI'S work, whether on the platform, in the press, or in
literature. The result would be more attractive if he had
been able to resist a fatal tendency to italics. There is
nothing more disturbing to a reader than to come upon a
passage in a page printed in italics. Mr. SICIIEL peppers
nearly every page of his portly volume with this offence.
Another trick annoying by its iteration is the assurance that
he will show us something in " my eighth chapter " or " my
tenth." These are blemishes on an industrious and inform-
ing compilation easily removed should it reach a second
edition. Meanwhile, being largely composed of things
DlBRAEU said or wrote, it has both value and charm.
We are familiar in these latter days with Mr. BALIOIR'S confes-
sion that he has " no settled convictions." In a phrase of which
tliis seems the echo DISRAELI alluded to the Coalition Ministry
of 1853 as one of "suspended opinions." My Baronite is
amused to come across, on page 44, the ghost of a joke made
in the pages of Punch more than twenty years ago. It'
appeared in " TODY'S Diary," and described how Mr. Tin >.M .\ssox,
the deaf Member for Bolton, " neglected his natural advan- i
tages" by going about the House, sitting under wearisome
speakers, and rocking his car-trumpet so as not to loseaword
of their wisdom. Mr. SICIIKL attributes the quip to DISRAELI.
The last time my Baronite saw it in print was in the Li/e ]
i:f Ijinl Sherbrooke. I^nvic's biographer found it entered
in his diary as one of his own much-applauded sayings.
There was at least this excuse for the error. " TOBY, M.P.,"
happening to see the new Peer in the Gallery of the House
of Commons whilst Mr. TIMM.VSSON was enjoying himself, put
the little jest in his mouth. Lord SHESBHOOKE, having fre-
quently heard it attributed to him, came at last to believe
that, though a poor thing, it was his own. And now it is
DIZZY'S. /Sic vos nun mibis.
My Nautical Retainer offers hearty congratulations to
those two clever sisters, K. and L. MOMIIO.MKHY, on the
success of The Cardinal's I'/nni, their remarkable contribution
to UNWIX'S "First Novel Series." What faults it has are
due to a too prolific gift for imagery, and to an overlaboured
style that tends to obscurity defects that may perhaps be
ascribed to excess of virtue. Possibly the infection was
caught from the pedantry of that Medicean period in which
the plot is laid, and from the influence of a land " where the
richness runs to flowers." The authors have so far disregarded
their own identity that they have forgotten that the narrative
itself should have been told in the simple diction of to-day,
and not according to the recondite and allusive methods ol
mediasval Italy. But this is the kind of fault that the future
will easily cure, if, as THACKERAY says, " we grow simpler as we
grow older." Meanwhile, K. L. MONTGOMERY (as the authors
combine to call themselves) has really no need to claim the
indulgence allowed to inexperience. Whether the scene is
laid in Florence where the board was set, or in Venice that
saw so many breathless checks and counterchecks, or in the
wide spaces of forest and hill that lie between, there is no
page in this enthralling book but glows with colour and is
alive with the stir of adventure. Indeed the book should
be read twice; first, for pure joy of the tale itself, which
betrays a marvellously vivid invention ; and next, for the
better understanding of those high qualities of artistic
feeling and observation that have been lavished on the rich
embroidery of the. backgrounds.
Mrs. ALEC TWEEDIE'S Behind the Footlights (Hrrniixsoy &
Co.) will amuse and interest many besides those who may be
curious to learn in what respect actors, actresses, and other
persons connected professionally with the drama and music
(Hffer from ordinary human beings. " Glitter," observes Mrs.
TWEEDIE, " dazzles the eye." So it does : true ; it couldn't
well dazzle the nose, but that's a mere detail of only slight
importance. "Nevertheless," she continues, "behind it"-
i.e., the glitter, not the eye—" beat good hearts and true:"
(Hear, hear!) "while hard work, patient endurance and
courage mark the path of the successful player." In this
respect the path of " the successful player " is, you see, not
very different from that of " the successful player " at cricket
or billiards, or of " the successful " lawyer, stock-broker, c. im-
poser, doctor, statesman, or general store-dealer. The book
is illustrated with some excellent photographs of celebrities
Enthusiastic as Mrs. TWEEDIE is about the stage, she yet
records some advice of Mrs. KENDAL'S, which does not sound
encouraging: '"Dissuade everyone you know,' Mrs. KKM.M
entreated me one day, ' from going on the stage. There are
so few successes and so many failures.'" Well, but how
about the Bar, or, indeed, any profession? From a purelv
business point of view Mrs. KEN-
DAI.'S advice is excellent, as, were
a majority to go on the statv, tin-
front of the house would be
rather badly provided with audi-
ence, and the most important
box in the theatre, the cash box,
would be empty. Mrs. T\vi;i;im:'s
is an entertaining book ; pick it
up when you like, and open it
where you will, you will be in-
deed hard to please if you fail to
find a sufficiently instructive and
always very pleasant "gossip"
in Mrs. ALEC TWEEDIE.
THE
I! A RON
DE
ArniL 13, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
253
.
j"5"
PARRIED.
The Major (not eo young as he feels). "An, Miss MURIEL, IN THE SPRING A Youuo MAN'S FANOT LIOHTLT TURNS TO THOUGHTS OF-
Miss Muriel (who wishes to avoid a proposal'). " WHAT A MEMORY YOU HAVE, MAJOR ! "
A "BOZ" NOTE.
THAT CHARLES DICKENS had saturated himself mentally with
CAIM.YI.E'S History of the French Revolution ere ever he
commenced writing A Tale of Two Cities must be evident
to all fairly well acquainted with the aforesaid history and
also with the romance ; but that he had just commenced to
dip into CAIILYLE at the time he was either writing, or pro-
jecting, Dombey and Son, is a matter that only exact know-
ledge of chronological order of composition can determine.
Now the ground for this hypothesis is in certain commence-
ments of fresh paragraphs, of which the following is a
sufficient example: —
" Whereby at least we have again this historical curiosity : a human :
being in an original position."— French Revolution, Vol. I., chap. 4.
And so on. Is it not very Bunsby ? Likewise is it not
rather Meredithian ? Between CHARLES first and GEOBOE
second not much left for a third picker of CARLYLE bones.
But not to allow Bunsby to escape, let us quote his very
words of wisdom :-—
"Whereby,' proceeded the voice, 'why not? If so, what odds?
Can any man say otherwise ? No. Awast then ! ' "
Dombey and Son, chap. 23.
Decidedly, Bunsby-Carlyle, or Carlyle-Bunsby. At the
next meeting of " The Boz Club " a subject for discussion,
always allowing the fact rendered possible by the correct
adjustment of dates, might be proposed, dealing with the
influence of CARLYXE in the creation and development of the
character of Jack Bunsby — " he was christened John " — the
philosophic commander of The Cautious Clara.
Insatiable.
" COWARDS die many deaths before they die," says SHAKSPEARE.
So apparently do prisoners at Hove, according to the Brighton
Herald, which states in a recent issue : —
"For the second time within two months, a prisoner has taken his
life in the cells at Hove, and on each occasion, by a tragic coincidence,
the suicide has been by hanging from the bell-pull."
It is to be hoped that he won't do it again.
FISHY. — According to the Daily Graphic " the extraction of
sunbeams from cucumbers is scarcely more inherently im-
probable than the recovery of an eel, which was made a day
or two ago, from one of the organ pipes in a Belfast church."
It has the air of a miracle ; yet after all why should not eels
be made from organ pipes ? Codfish have sounds, and
music hath charms to eel the savage breast.
VOL. rxxvi.
254
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 13, 1904.
"HOME THOUGHTS FROM ABROAD."
HERE, where the jewelled waters lie
Locked in a curve of sheltering shore,
Sapphire that answers rock and sky,
Turquoise above the grey sea-floor, —
Lulled by a cool narcotic breeze
That shrinks to break the tideless calm,
This Slave of Duty lolls at ease
Imbibing Nature's healthy balm.
The landward ridges, plumed with green,
Stand sentinel to guard my scalp
Lest any airs too rudely keen
Should blow from some adjacent Alp ;
Likewise my soul, by that device
As in a haven, closely furled,
Breathes an exclusive Paradise
Whose gates defy a fevered world.
Yet are my senses well aware
That just a league of coast between
Divides me from the fret and glare
Of Monte Carlo's giddy scene ;
And, doubtless, in her stolid way,
However much my help is missed,
England herself, this Easter Day,
Somehow continues to exist.
My heaven is changed, but not my heart,
Which still is hers in any clime,
Nor would I let exotic art
Colour my purely British rhyme ;
And, as I tune my homing song,
One face, one form, in Memory's van,
Command my larynx ; they belong
To HENRY CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN.
In lively gratitude I reach
Back to the monumental date
On which he read his studied speech
Against the War-Triumvirate ;
When that old warrior burst in scorn
Upon the one redemptive scheme
Spared from the wreck of hopes forlorn
That marked a moribund regime.
What sort of praise from Liberal ranks
That bright heroic deed may earn
I know not, but I know the thanks
That in a Tory bosom burn !
, So round his feet may pansies blow,
And sunlight gild his genial face
Whose tact allowed a tottering foe
At least another year of grace ! 0. S.
Cap d'Att, La Turbie.
Terrible Discomforts (New Style).
THE legend beneath a war picture in the Sphere gives away
the situation with delightful frankness. Thus : — " NAPOLEON'S
retreat from Moscow in 1812 has a counterpart in some of its
terrible discomforts in the Russian advance into Manchuria.
ATo fewer than four 'Sphere' artists and photographers are
accompanying the Russian army." The italics are our own.
Euphemism from the "Gazette."
RECEIVING ORDERS.— LONDON.
RUSSELL, WILLIAM FREDERICK, now temporarily residing at His Majesty's
Prison at Wandsworth, but lately carrying on business at Holling-
bourne Road, Herne Hill, builder's foreman, formerly master builder
March 25.
M. BOUDIN IN ENGLAND.
No. I.
MY DEAR SIR,— I am sure you will not deny that we are
living in critical times. It was only last week that, happen-
ing, as I sometimes do, to lunch at the Xerxes (my favourite
Club), I came across my old friend AUBERON, and found that
he took a very gloomy view of public affairs. AUBERON, by
the way — this is entirely between you and me — used in his
early days to be an Irishman, but soon after he came to
England he chucked it, if I may quote from The Second in
Command, and at the same time he changed his somewhat
full-flavoured Hibernian name of O'BRIEN to the compara-
tively Norman name under which he used to sit in the
House of Commons and still writes letters to the Times.
You remember his last one, I daresay. It was, as an under-
graduate acquaintance of mine would say, a regular teaser,
and had as its title " PRINCIPLE OR PARTY — WHICH ? ' It went
on for a column and a quarter, and it showed that, while
Mr. BALFOUR and Mr. BRODRICK and the rest of them were
almost absurd in their incompetence, Sir HENRY CAMPBELL-
BANNERMAN and Mr. ASQUITH were much worse, being
afflicted with what the writer in one of his finest passages
called " a positive megalomania for the worst results of a
barren Little Englandism, which has led them from one
humiliation to another until their last state has become even
worse than their first, though, no doubt," continued AUBERON,
" it is infinitely superior to that condition to which they are
tending — I mean the sea which lies at the bottom of a certain
steep place of which we have all heard." This, I may say,
is a good and typical example of AUBEEON'S style. He him-
self calls it persiflage, and I 've no doubt it must be in-
tensely galling to those who are made its victims. I saw
Mr. ASQUITH and Sir HENRY C.-B. on the very day this letter
appeared, and I couldn't help noticing that, in spite of an
affected ease and carelessness of demeanour, there was some-
thing alarmed and furtive about their looks, something
penitential and appealing in their way of walking and
talking, which plainly showed that the Auberonian shafts of
satire had gone home, as, indeed, nobody could doubt they
would.
On the occasion of my meeting AUBERON at lunch at the
Xerxes last week, I had brought with me a young French-
man who is making a short stay in this countrv with the
object of studying our institutions and learning, I suppose,
how we have managed to establish ourselves in a position
which excites the jealousy of all foreign nations. His name
is BOUDIN, JEAN JACQUES MARIE AUGUSTE BOUDIN, a queer name,
you must admit, Sir, if ever there was one. Often have I
asked myself in reading these and similar assortments of
French names why a man should think it necessary to have
a female name in addition to his other male names. Nobody
would object to JEAN or to JACQUES, or even to AUGUSTS
(though I own that JOHN and JAMES and AUGUSTUS have a
stronger and more resolute sound), but why MARIE ? I said
something of this sort — of course, as delicately and politely
as possible — to BOUDIN, but he merely smiled and asked me
not to make him responsible for the failings of his parents.
At the time I did not press the matter, but obviously this
answer only shifts the matter one step back : it supplies no
reason for a custom which is as absurd as it is unmanly.
However, BOUDIN himself, whatever may be said about his
names, is presentable enough. His age is twenty-six, he
stands at least six feet high, his complexion is ruddy, his
moustache is as good, though not quite so long, as that of
Sir ROBERT HERMON-HODGE (which I have always held to be
the fine fleur of British-grown moustaches), and his clothes
are excellent both in cut and in taste. He can ride and he
can shoot_(at least he says he can), he has taken part, so he
tells me, in the athletic revival of France and has played
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Amur, l.'l, 1904.
GOOD OLD CUSTOMS.
KT. HON. J-S-HI CH-JIIHII.-X (back from Ms hollda,/). "WELL, IT HASN'T TAKEN LONG TO CLEAR
THAT, KM ?"
Ci MOM no, si: OKFI.T.K. "NO, SIR. FREE-TRADE COUNTRY, SIR!"
APRIL 13, 1904.]
1MXCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
257
(of
a sort, naturally), and has
race. Intending sooner or
football
rowed in a
later to launch himself in public life he
has come over here, as I said, to learn
what he can about freedom, progress,
and Parliamentary methods. He brought
.1 letter of introduction to me and 1
brought him to the Xerxes Club to
lunch and we met AUBERON.
Now it was, perhaps, unfortunate that
we should thus have come upon AI:BEROX.
for AuBF.nox, eminent and considerable
as he is, has, if I may hint it, one fault :
he is, having snapped the links that
bound him to Ireland and the Celts, the
John Bulliest Briton that ever ate a
chop and drank bitter beer at the Xerxes,
tlian which there is no John Bullierclub
in London or the provinces of England,
including Putney and Sevenoaks. " Ah,
me boy," said he, as I approached — the
odour of Irish roses still clings to his
treacherous tongue — "you've read my
letter in the Times ? Well, am I right ?
Was there ever a Government like this ?
Faith, they '11 be giving Middlesex to
Russia next."
" What." I asked in some disturbance,
for I trust I am not unpatriotic, and it
galled me to hear our Government thus
spoken of in the presenceof BouDrx, "what
has happened ? I have not noticed — "
"Hear him!" says ACBEROS, "hear
him ! D' ye not see they 're patching up
an agreement with France on all out-
standing questions — that 's what] they
call it when they mean to abandon the
interests of the country. la it we should
be making any agreement with France?
Isn't it France, our bitter enemy" —
here I winked violently at him, but all
to no purpose — " isn't it France should
be crawling on her knees to us, begging
us to make an agreement wid her"-
his excitement overcame him, but he
proceeded — " And what 's the use of it
any way? France has got a falling
birth-rate and there's no trust to be
placed in her. She's only waiting to
be grabbed by a dictator, and then see
if I 'm not right. She '11 invade us, by
the powers, and where '11 your twopenny-
halfpenny Government be" then?" There
more to the same effect, but I
hastily withdrew Bourns from the dread-
iul scene, and we sat down together
at a remote table.
Evidently, however, we are living, as
I said, in critical times, and, such being
the case, it may interest you to hear
from time to time what my young French
friend thinks of our civilisation and how
he is struck by our greatness. So far he
has been very reticent.
* Faithfully yours, X.
A REPENT thief, according to one of
the dailies, when pursued, hid in an
empty mummy-case. This is the instinct
of self-preservation at its strongest.
Visitor. " Do TOC HAVE isr DIFFICCITT re orrnso SEBVASTS ? "
Hostess. " NOSE WHATEVER. WE 'VE HAD TES DIFFEREST OSES is THE LAST MONTH ! '
HOM(EOPATHY.
[" Mr. STKXSOH, Director of Pomology at the
St. Louis World's Fair, is convinced that apples
are a certain core for the drink and tobacco
habits. 'If there is a tendency to do some-
thing desperate,' he says, 'let a man sit down
and quietly reflect upon it, meantime munching
an apple.' " — Daily Chronicle.]
WHEX skies are all gloomy and grey,
When things look as black as they can,
And when you get thinking
There 's nothing like drinking
For putting some heart in a man ;
For any sake, do not give way !
I hope with this craving you 11 grapple ;
The clouds will roll by
If you only will try
The effect of consuming an apple.
If a desperate deed should invite,
If you fear you are going insane,
If you feel suicidal
And scarcely can bridle
The madness that tears through your
brain ;
Munch a Newtown with leisurely bite,
And ponder the deed you intended :
I am soundly assured
You will find yourself cured
Ere the apple of concord is ended.
For how did our troubles begin ?
'Twas an apple, as everyone knows,
Whose rosy temptation
First sowed in creation
Its plentiful harvest of woes.
So if you would guard against sin,
Don't trust to your church or your
chapel:
Homoeopathy's laws
Cure an ill with its cause,
And undoubtedly point to the apple.
258
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 13, 1904.
MR. PUNCH'S SYMPOSIA.
XIV.— OUGHT WE TO TAKE EXERCISE?
The Covered Cricket Pitch at
St. Bride's Institute.
PRESENT.
The Editor of the " Daily News'"
(in the Chair).
Archdeacon Sinclair.
Canon Hensley Henson.
Mr. Frederic Harrison.
Mr. William Archer.
Mr. G. K. Chesterton.
Mr. Beerbohm Tree.
Mr. C. B. Fry.
Editor of the "Daily News." This
meeting has been convened, gentlemen,
in order to arrive at some satisfactory
replies to a set of four questions which
I have drawn up : —
A. Have you found outdoor exercise to be neces-
sary?
B. What is the particular pastime favoured by
you?
C. What benefits have you personally derived
from such pastime ?
D. What are the benefits likely to accrue to
the community from the encouragement
of athletics ?
Certain replies to these questions have
already appeared in my columns, but it
seemed well to discuss the matter also
in convocation. I might open, the
discussion by saying that, personally, I
could never do the work I do if it were
not for the game of water polo which I
play every afternoon after lunch, at the
Bath Club.
Archdeacon Sinclair. Water polo may
be very well, but surely the ordinary
game with ponies is better and prettier.
If all young artisans in the large towns
would play polo instead of watching
football and cricket we should have a
finer national physique.
Canon Hensley Henson. Do you think
folo is better than punching the ball '?
attribute my own good health and
prosperity to an undeviating habit of
punching the ball, in and out of season.
Mr. G. K. Chesterton. All perfect exer-
cise is passive. The finest exercise in
the world, combining as it did courage,
the preservation of one's balance, and
recognition of scientific progress, was to
be obtained from the moving staircase
at HARROD'S Stores. Since that has been
removed I have grown steadily flaccid.
Mr. William Archer. SYDNEY SMITH, I
have read, used to recommend a walk on
an empty stomach.
Editor of the "Daily News." Yes, but
in these indulgent gormandising days
where are we to find one ?
Archdeacon Sinclair. There used to
be one — I forget where.
Canon Hensley Henson. At the Royal
Aquarium, I think. A man named
Socci.
Mr. William Archer. Yes, that was
the name. He drew crowded houses.
Mr. Beerbohm Tree. I have reason to
believe that walking on all fours is a
most admirable means of building up
the physique. The chest measurement
of Zakkuri's spies, in The Darling of the
Gods, who progress entirely in this way,
luis increased enormously since the first
night.
Archdeacon Sinclair. It does not sound
to me dignified.
Mr. Tree. Yet what is dignity com-
pared with the mens sana in corpore
sano?
Archdeacon Sinclair. True. I must
practise it. Hitherto I have found that
there is nothing like walking to develop
the muscles of the leg. My motto is,
Always do things by calves. I skip
regularly eveiy morning for some minutes
after my bath, and on specially busy
days I fortify myself by running round
the Whispering Gallery before the sacred
fane is open to the general public.
Canon Hensley Henson. Does Mr.
CHAMBERLAIN hunt ?
Mr. Frederic Harrison. I think
It is his only redeeming virtue.
not.
But
then he goes to the opposite extreme —
that of taking no exercise — which is in
its way quite as bad as the excessive
indulgence in demoralising sports and
pastimes.
Mr. William Archer. I hope you do
not include dancing in that category.
As a perfervid Gael I cling passionately
to the exercises of my native heath.
Archdeacon Sinclair. The Highland
Fling is all very well. But would yon
encourage the Cake- Walk ?
Mr. Chesterton. Certainly, if it con-
duced to municipal patriotism.
Mr. William Archer. Not that I danc<
to excess. I have other diversions. For
example, I make a point of vaulting
over every pillar-box after I have postec
an article in it. The act is a form o:
worship, a testimony to the power of th<
G.P.O., the Press, and incidentally o
myself.
Mr. Chesterton. I should have pu
" myself " first.
Editor of the " Daily News." But we
are rather losing sight of the last ques
tion on our list, that lettered D.
Mr. Chesterton. Well, as to the benefit
likely to accrue to the community froir
the encouragement to vault letter boxes
much could be said and more written
I could have a column on the subjec
ready in ten minutes at the usual rates.
Mr. William Archer. I don 't thin
you ought to take my subject.
Mr. Chesterton. Perhaps not ; but a
subjects are one to me.
Mr. C. B. Fry. I am surprised that n
one has mentioned cricket. Surely ther
is no exercise like that, both for th
muscles and the fountain pen. As t
,s effect on the populace, it makes them
uy the best magazines, and what could
e better than that ?
Canon Ilensley Henson. Are there any
est magazines now-a-days ?
Air. C. B. Fry. Why, haven't you seen
ur advertisements ? Awfully witty.
IT 'R A NEW MAGAZINE. IT 's A NEWS
AGAZINE. IT 'S A NfiWNES MAGAZINE."
Archdeacon Sinclair. I say, who made
pthat? That's wonderfully good. I
isli I 'd said it.
Mr. Fry. It was done by a wag in our
leven — I mean our office. Just as
uick as saying knife. London 's a
vonderful place.
Mr. Frederic Harrison. Any exercise
good that distracts the public from
rowding grounds in order to see thirty -
wo hired bravos kick themselves to a
elly.
Mr. Fry. What game is played by
hirty-two hired bravos ?
Archdeacon Sinclair. Not lawn tennis ?
Mr. Frederic Harrison. No, certainly
not; football.
Mr. Fry. Why thirty-two ? Do you
coimt the referee and the umpire ?
Canon Hensley Henson. What about
e linesmen ?
Mr. Frederic Harrison. Oh, well, it
nay not be thirty-two ; but they are
lired bravos anyway, and they kick each
other to a jelly. I have often thought
ibout it with pain as I scaled Mount
Ev erest or Aconcagua. If only our young
men would all become mountaineers it
would be a great thing for England.
Archdeacon Sinclair. Would not Court
Tennis, if universally played, tend to
national salvation ?
Mr. C. B. Fry. I think not. Owing
to the limited accommodation of the
dedans, the spectacular possibilities oi
the game are almost nil. And what i
the use of a game which does not lend
itself to constant journalistic comment?
I doubt if our Chairman knows the
difference between a " boasted force " or
" chase better than two." Chase me.
Editor of the " Daily News." Botl
"Court Tennis" and the "Royal anc
Ancient " game of golf seem to me tc
suggest something fulsomely monarch!
cal. The word " chase," moreover, is
associated with Buckhounds, game laws
and other aristocratic excesses.
Mr. C. B. Fry. Possibly you liavi
never heard of PETER LATHAM ?
Editor of the "Daily News." I lik
his Christian name. Is he a Passivi
Resister? [Exeunt
The TJncliivalrous "Chronicle."
" ANOTHER novelty at this bazaar will be th
menagerie which Mrs. ARTHUR FACET is re-
sponsible for. Here will be found the Duohes
of ROXBURGHE, Countess HOWE, Princess HENR
of Pless, Viscountess CASTLEREAGH, and Lad;
SARAH WILSON."— Daily Chronicle.
APRIL 13, 1001.!
rTNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
259
CUPID AT KEW.
[" Of more than a dozen young women who
took up the pursuit of horticulture at Kew
Gardens, not one remains. 'We have known
no more enthusiastic pupils than the ladies
either in the Gardens or at lectures, but we
femvd the movement, would not last,' said the
Curator :it Kew Gardens. 'At our annual
dinner one of our directors stated plainly that
the day of the lady gardener WM j>aM. He
referred of course, to the many matrimonial
engagements which had been the outcome of
h)vement.' " — Daily Mail.]
OFT in the early morning
I've brushed away the dew
That hung like gems adorning
The Paradise, at Kow ;
There 'mid sweet scents that floated
Around me, 1 have noted
Twelve Eves — un-Eve-like coated
In decent garb of blue.
They flitted 'mid the. roses
Like butterflies, more fair
Themselves than any posies
That bloomed beneath their care :
Their fairy forms went tripping
From bed" to bed, here snipping
A graceful lily, clipping
A Ololrc, de Dijon there.
Or if the ground was muddy,
Or April threatened showers,
In scientific study
They spent the golden hours ;
Dull lecture-rooms they sat in,
They talked of trees in Latin,
And even learnt to chat in
The language of the flowers.
To chemistry they hied them,
And while with nodding head
The drowsy men beside them
Were sleeping like the dead,
They sat with brows well knitted,
While o'er the pages flitted
Swift pencils which omitted
No word of what was said.
Had EVE continued daily
The task she had begun,
What blooms had blossomed gaily
To greet the noonday sun !
But whilst her flowers she tended,
Young ADAM, gay and splendid,
Amid the roses wended —
He came — he saw — he won.
When EVE the first was married
She knew no household woes :
Her business on she carried
Unchecked by darning hose ;
She sewed no hateful buttons,
NIT dreamt of beeves and muttons ;
For then the veriest gluttons
Could well dispense with those.
But life 's more complicated
Than iu the days of yore,
And now when maids are mated
Their great careers are o'er :
These Eves have doffed their gaiters
To wheel perambulators,
And desolate Curators
Shall view them nevermore.
Navvy. "'Ow FAR is IT TER DONCASTER, LAD?"
Cheeky Boy. "THERE'S A MILESTONE BEHIND THEE."
Navvy. "Bcrr I CAN'T HEAD, LAD."
Cheeky Boy. " IT'LL JUST SDIT THEE, THEN. THERE'S NOWT ON IT."
WEEK-END OF THE DRAMA. — According
to Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER'S announce-
ment it should be possible, as he hopes,
to enjoy From Saturday till Monday at
the St. James's Theatre. This arrange-
ment, we are afraid, has been interfered
with by the fact of the intervening
Sunday having been already secured by
Mr. and Mrs. FRED TERRY at the Comedy
Theatre. The two managements will
probably come to some mutually satis-
factory understanding.
Chafing-Dishes Superseded.
FROM the Lady : —
LADY can supply delicious hot-buttered
eggs; absolutely reliable ; Is. 6d. dozen,
two dozen post free.
A CORRESPONDENT of the Gardener asks,
" What is the right time to pinch
chrysanthemums ? " Surely the answer
is obvious : " When there 's no one
about."
260
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 13, 1904.
A VISIT TO HIGHBURY.
(In the manner of Lady RiWlesdale in the
" Nineteenth Century.")
WE paid our first (and last) visit to
Highbury on the 5th of November, 1903.
On reaching Birmingham we found that
the only conveyance available was a
station omnibus, which just held me,
my maid, and belongings, so BABBLES-
DALE had to walk all the way to Edgbas-
ton in a dense fog. Our progress was
slow and perilous, and I was very glad
when we entered the gates and heard
the cheery bark of Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S
poodle, Zollverein.
There was PHARAOH, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S
chief butler, on the steps, and Mr. JESSE
COLLINGS with an embroidered satin
waistcoat tripping to meet us in the
hall.
Mr. CHAMBERLAIN came forward with
his most charming manner, and said,
" I feel very guilty in having brought
you into all this fog. It looks as if I
had specially prepared it for your recep-
tion ; but, as a matter of fact, we have
had a fog ever since ARTHUR BALFOUR
was last here."
From the first our visit to Highbury
depended upon the other guests who
were expected — the German EMPEROR,
the Editor of the Spectator, and the
Duke of DEVONSHIRE and Mr. SARGENT.
If they had been unable to come we
should not have been bidden, as solitary
guests at that time were considered too
exhausting for Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, who was
busily engaged on the preliminaries of
his Tariff Commission. As none of
them had arrived a certain air of reserve
was displayed by our host, but this was
happily dispelled when, on our reas-
sembling in an ante-room before dinner,
we found the missing KAISER, Duke,
Editor and Painter. There was no sign
of BABBLESDALE, and Mr. SARGENT, armed
with a dark lantern, gallantly sallied
forth to meet and guide him home.
Soon after entering the dining-room
plates filled with hot water were placed
on the table, and a jar of Liebig was
handed round. By an error of judg-
ment PHARAOH brought it to me first.
Mr. CHAMBERLAIN became uneasy, and
whispered to him to hand it to the
KAISER, but finding all his signals
unavailing, sought to divert attention
by calling his illustrious guest's atten-
tion to the design and length of the
spoon laid for his special use. Then he
began to talk of Glasgow and his recep-
tion there. He asked the KAISER if he
had ever addressed mass meetings of
this kind. The KAISER replied that he
always spoke urbi et orbi. Whereupon
Mr. CHAMBERLAIN gave us a description
of the megaphone and the symptoms of
influenza, a precis of David Copperfield,
and an account of the process by which
soda-water bottles are blown at St.
i Helen's.
On my asking him whether he had
called his son after the authoress of
Pride and Prejudice he replied that he
had not ; which was, I thought, very
frank of him at such a time.
Mr. CHAMBERLAIN always required the
most delicate steering. Many is the
keen regret I have had over the precious
moments wasted on tallow candles,
crockery, poultry shops, the cultivation
of strawberries, etc. He covered such a
vast area, and his interests were so
universal, that you were practically never
safe, and he was off before you were
aware you had given him his head, and
then the difficulty was to turn him.
The Caucus, even in Birmingham, is
hardly inspiring ; but Mr. CHAMBERLAIN
made some interesting digressions from
the excellence of their worthies to the
Birmingham people. He said they were
the finest and most heroic race in the
world.
Between the courses I had time to
examine the wall paper of the dining-
room, which was a dull red, presumably
chosen to throw Mr. JESSE COLLINGS'
delightful whiskers into charming relief.
I ought to say that BABBLESDALE and Mr.
SARGENT came in with the dessert, both
rather cross. BABBLESDALE had mistaken
the way and wandered into Aston Villa
football ground.
BABBLESDALE got to work at once, and
quoted a remark by the Marquis ITO to
the effect that " the world revolves upon
its taxes." Mr. CHAMBERLAIN apparently
liked this, but his disapproval was quite
as marked when BABBLESDALE ventured
to describe the Sheffield Programme as
beatified common - sense. His brows
met ; there was disagreement, indigna-
tion, sorrow for the misguided, and a
hundred other expressions in the shake
of his head.
After dinner Mr. CHAMBERLAIN lay full
length on the hearth-rug, taking no
exercise, as was his wont, while we
made a semi-circle around him and dis-
cussed a thousand topics. BABBLESDALE
said some very good things, but the
KAISER was obviously distrait, and the
DUKE not so wakeful as usual.
Cards were brought out at nine-thirty,
and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN took a hand at our
table, the other players being the Editor
of the Spectator, myself, and PHARAOH.
As, however, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN refused to
move from the hearth-rug the game was
difficult.
The next morning we were told by
Mrs. CHAMBERLAIN, in answer to some
solicitous questions from her husband
as to the comforts of the Duke of DEVON-
SHIRE, that his fire had smoked badly
during the night. Our host's expression
of sympathy when the DUKE came down
to breakfast baffles description. Keener
distress could not have been shown for
the loss of a Birmingham seat.
I watched with interest to see how far
the DUKE would deem it his duty to
spare his host pain. But he was troubled
by no scruples of this kind : the smoke
had been very bad indeed, but it had
not kept him awake. He added, how-
ever, with a flash of imfamiliar humour,
" Smoke comes natural to a CAVENDISH."
Reassured by this quip, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN
banished the frown from his brow and
proceeded to cut slices from a large
loaf which, with jam, pickles, and cold
New Zealand tongue, constituted the
menu.
WINSTON CHURCHILL was the chief topic
during breakfast, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN con-
tending that he was the most dangerous
man to the peace of Europe. Mr. JESSE
COLLINGS stoutly maintained that the
prolongation of the Boer War was
entirely due to his escape from Pretoria.
The KAISER, who had been busy paint-
ing an allegorical picture in the orchid
house, now came in clad becomingly in an
artist's blouse. The teapot was unfor-
tunately exhausted, but with great
presence of mind PHARAOH dropped two
or tliree walnuts into it from the pickle-
jar and filled it up with hot water.
Luckily I was able by an eloquent kick
under the table to prevent BABBLESDALE
from indulging in the dangerous luxury
of another cup.
After breakfast I walked round the
orchid houses with Mr. JESSE COLLINGS.
His hat was quite unique, and of so
amazing a construction that I could not
help asking where he got it. " Where
did you get that hat ? " was the form
my question took. He could not re-
member. It had a conical crown of
yellow straw, with a cock pheasant's
tail-feather stuck in a green ribbon, a
peak of patent leather, and a strap
under the chin like a policeman's helmet.
Mr. COLLINGS wore it on one side with an
infinitely rakish air.
From the orchid houses we went into
the library, which is entirely filled with
editions of DICKENS. Mr. COLLINGS kept
his hat on, owing to the defective heat-
ing arrangements.'
During the morning all the guests
left except myself and Mr. DREW, who,
however, during the week I was in the
house, never showed himself once,
although a place was always laid for
him. Mr. WITHDREW, our host wittily
called him. By the third evening I had
got so accustomed to his absence that it
ceased to depress me, although Mr.
CHAMBERLAIN made the joke regularly at
every meal. But such is his charm
that nothing he can do is wearisome.
I left at the end of the week.
After being with such a personality
the world felt cold and stagnant.
CHARLOTTE BABBLESDALE.
APRIL 13, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
261
MAN'S INHUMANITY TO BOY.
[According to Dr. F. E. TAYLER, of Liverpool,
impositions and keeping-in are harmful. He
strongly advocates corporal punishment in
schools. "I think the birch a capital instru-
ment," he says.]
A MEETING of representatives of the
Public Schools was held last Friday, the
subject of debate being, "That this
house approves of Mr. TAYLER'S remarks
on corporal punishment."
Mr. TOM BROW.V, of Rugby, the pro-
poser, had, he said, sometimes been
called a typical public-schoolboy. He
did not know whether he justified the
description. (Cries of "Yes, yes.")
Very well, then. All he could say was
that he had been flogged repeatedly in
the first half of the book, before he met
his friend ARTHUR, and it had never
done him any harm. It had stung for
the moment (Cheers), but the after-glow
was rather pleasant than otherwise.
(" No, no.") At any rate, he thought it
would be a bad thing if there was no
flogging.
Mr. "STALKY" CORKRAN, of Kip's
Home for Juvenile Demons, seconded.
The fact of the biznai was, he said, that
everybody except Gadarene swine and
jelly -bellied flag -flappers liked being
slain. He himself always gloated.
Besides, how was an author to end up
a story of real school life except with a
flogging? He must now hurry off, as
he had to put some decomposing rats
in Mr. PROUT'S bed.
Mr. ERIC WILLIAMS, of Rosslyn, op-
posed. Flogging, he said, was all very
well for the villain or the comic-relief
characters, but when it came to the
hero ! He had been flogged. Did
he burn with remorse and shame at the
conclusion of the ceremony ? No. With
rage and passion. He attributed to the
effects of his punishment his subsequent
theft of Mr. GORDON'S pigeons and the
funds of the cricket club. Had he not
been flogged, he thought he would not
have taken to drink. Previous to the
operation a small lemonade had satisfied
him. Afterwards he saw life in a glass
(of beer) darkly.
A Winchester representative rose to
second the last speaker. He agreed with
Mr. WILLIAMS that flogging was a bad
thing. Not that he minded the birch.
But there were fives-bats and ash-plants.
He resumed his seat with an expression
of pain.
Mr. JONES, of Haileybury, said that he
approved of flogging, because it lent a
distinction to a school. Why was Hailey-
bury famous ? Because Mr. CORNWALLIS
had lowered the 'Varsity record for the
Half-mile ? No. Because its headmaster
was related to the Colonial Secretary?
No. Why, then ? Because on the day
i>t' the relief of Ladysmith the whole
A CONFESSION.
Day Governess. " How is IT TOUR FRENCH EXERCISES ABE ALWAYS DONE so MUCH BETTER THAN
YOUR LATOJ ONES?"
Tommy (after considering awhile). " I DON'T THINK AUNTIE KNOWS LATIN."
[Auntie, who was about to enter, quickly and quietly retires.
school broke bounds, and were flogged
at one gigantic swoop clean off the
reel.
Mr. ROBINSON, of Harrow, said that
flogging was a jolly sight better than
lines. Besides, you could always use a
folded towel or something. (Deafening
applause.)
Mr. WILLIAMS now rose for the second
time. It seemed to him, he said, that
the matter was capable of a very simple
solution. Masters should rule by kind-
ness rather than force. How much
more lasting an effect it would have if,
instead of brutally assaulting a boy,
a master were to present him with
an orange or a sponge-cake, together
with a few gentle words of reproof.
There might be a sort of sliding-scale
arranged for the purpose. Thus, if
found out of bounds, the culprit might
receive butterscotch. For misbehaviour
during school, a bag of pear-drops. For
theft or smoking he would suggest a
substantial tea with muffins and anchovy
paste. Under such a regime the Perfect
School would be a certainty.
The motion was then put to the vote,
and lost by a large majority. Mr.
WILLIAMS was desired to forward details
of his scheme to the headmasters of all
the schools in the country.
262
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 13, 1904.
THE GAIETY GAUL.
THE agreement with France lias been
signed, and for some nine months or more
our feelings towards our French neigh-
bours, and, let us hope, theirs towards
us, have grown more friendly, which
must please every sensible Englishman,
from the KING downwards. Yet for
about half those nine months a lively
actor at the Gaiety has been amusing
crowds of more or less sensible English
people with the representation of a
creature supposed to be a Frenchman.
The Gaiety girl is one of the noblest
institutions of our country, especially
when she becomes a peeress, but the
Gaiety Gaul, perhaps appropriate and
amusing at the time of the Fashoda
dispute, now lags superfluous on the
stage.
The talented (and numerous) authors
of The Orchid have discovered a remark-
able type. They ignore — perhaps Us
ignorent — the existence of, gentlemen in
France as well as in England. They
appear, however, to have observed that
there are counter-jumpers, snobs, mounte-
banks, lunatics, and contortionists in
both countries. By endeavouring to
blend these five types the authors hoped
to evolve a comic Frenchman. They
have produced only a monkey. Will
they forgive an Englishman for pointing
out to them that this is a graceful and
charming expression of our present
goodwill towards the French? As to
the "understanding" with France, that
is of no consequence. The simian
Frenchman of the Gaiety is one of those
things that no fellah can understand.
But the talented (and numerous)
authors, convinced that every Frenchman
must be a monkey, have another surprise
for us. According to them Frenchmen
in France talk broken English to each
other. Strange that no English traveller
has observed this !
Imagine the talented authors them-
selves at Brighton, a miserable substitute
for Nice, but sufficient for our argument-
Would they talk broken French ? Per-
haps they would stroll out from their hotel
and converse as follows : —
First Author. Quel gloriou jouah !
Second Author. Ung pou trop froah
pour moa.
First Author. Jaimais contong !
Third Author. II est allong a plouver
aivong long, et je n'ai pas mong
ombrelle.
Fourth Author. Pongdez le plouie !
Mais ne pongsez pas de loui. Laissez
nous aller sour le jaitai.
Fifth Author. Droit vous etes, vieou
homme !
Second Author. Trop froah pour moa !
Sixth Author. Oh, fermez laho aivec
voter froah ! Je aime la froah. Vous
etes comme ung vieou femme.
HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF.
DATE.
[ Two burglars, charged with burglary, frankly admitted that the reason they wore glove*
was because they didn't want to leave their finger impressions for identification purposes " —
Daily Paper.']
First Cultured Safe-Breaker. " HARRIS." Second C. S.-B. " SIR."
First C. S.-B. " HAVE YOU QOT YOUB GLOVES ON ? " Second C. S.-B. " YES, SIR."
First C. S.-B. "THEN TAKE THE KIVER OFF! "
Fifth Author. Vous aivez oune habit
trop laiger, cher garcong. Vous daivez
porter oune habit de fourrure tout le
annee comme moa.
All the others (together). Et moa.
Seventh Author. Ici viang le plouie.
Third Author. Comme je disais il
voulait.
Eighth Author. Soufflez-le ! Laissez
nous aller dos a la hotel.
Et commongcer ung
vainir aipres le
Ninth Author.
nouveau piece a
Orchidee.
Tenth Author. Aivec oune drole
Onglais clong le, eh ?
All the others (startled into English).
With a funny Englishman in it? By
Jove ! That is a ripping idea. So jolly
original, dear boy ! Let 's get to work
fit once ! [They rush indoors.
s
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P 55 « 1
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I
APML 13, 1904.]
XfH. "R THE LOXTmX CHARIVARI.
THE TABLETS OF AZIT-TIGLETH-MIPHANSI, THE SCRIBE.
-
1. Now in the reign of Nikkithetsar,
the lord
2. of the Russkis. the Droschkis, and
3. iloujiks, of the hinut and suffering
tippaz
4. of nxZfc*,therO<2a2oftoZ«toi,of the
5. makhzimz-CT-gorki — when it isn't
all MgfHng
6. (everv sentence that matters is as
black as yurfcat
7. with the best dtyyun-wtahtin.
— pehsih-linkhan-anbfnnit !
& ... thanks to the kindly paternal
attentions of
9. a vigilant censor) ;
10. Lord of the Kossaks, the wearers
of dressing-gowns which flap in the
breezes,
11. who have the advantage of facing
the foeman
12. in novel positions ; who, jnst as
you fancy you 've got 'em
13. for certain, turn rait - upviid
damn on the necks of
14. their horses . . . half-circus, half-
soldier, ..... showing onlv a pair of
1 5. rrJuminaz-brifh iz, and let off their
16. from among all the ietlokhf. or
whatever TOU
17. call them 1 fancy I ve beard
18. them jetlokht -. then regaining
their saddles
19. gallop tordHkih-horaizun. doing
20. or tartar Steppe-dances (a kind of
cake-walk, in a croucbed-down position,
and shooting their legs out •
.'1. on the tails of their horses— I
should say haind-quartaz ;
EIGHTEENTH FRAGMENT.
2~2 Must be most disconcert-
ing, these
23. tartaratMetikJus.
24. But unto Nikki the King must I
once more return.
25. the lord of the Bear, and the
double-faced Eagle
26. —the Bear that walks manlafk
as a brother-scribe has it
27. in the mighty Rudaiyad of 'Omer
Khiplin;)
28. that shuffles on sideways, with a
shifty expression,
29. towards watering-places that offer
30. an outlet for his latent ambition,
gripping on
31. to the pole with his dawn half-
embedded,
32. with such phrantikh-endemz to
look
33. very upright that he nearly falls
over;
34. Nikkithetsar the nominal ruler
35. of hordes of officials with astra-
khan caps
36. and a craving for baJJukuh (with
the
37. silent gttotitiz of India-robbers'
who
38. before they "d subscribe to his
peaceful proposals
39. a " Little Father " would see him
— hence
40. the title they give him ! I m
told that
41. this passion for purboirz. this
likin for dhousurz
42. is quite universal ; why, even the
44. kdtryar to generals
45. These parentheses seem to grow
longer and longer
46. I wrestle in vain with their
Laokocmtikh embraces.)
47. But I really must go back to
Nikkithetsar
48. for though I admit it "s anomalous
43. — you should always give bakfi-
— very —
49.* after all, he '» my mbjeet
50. He had spread himself eastward
and calmly ignoring
51. such trifles as treaties
52. Had bolted Manchuriyah whole,
in fact
53. bolted and barred it ; but in the
event it would
54. seem that he'd bitten off more
than a Man-chus
55. with comfort.
56. The nations looked over the wall
and said. " Schoking !
57. We cannot permit such disgraceful
behaviour ! "
58. but. as usual, did — nothing . . .
59. Then did the Bear with a smile
of repletion
60. settle down to digest all the pigh-
tarJs he 'd swallowed
61. with one paw on Korea .... But
before his
62. remarkable gattrikh arrangements
could get
63. well to work, came the rattle of
armour from over
64. the water, came along the Bit-
Jappi. the Bit-Nippi,
65. the* wearers of dogs, and of
peJrprr-ambrfUaz.
66. the wiry, diminutive sons of Ju-
Jitsu. discarding
266
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL. 13, 1904.
the eye of his Western
67. their primitive trappings of
lacquer; for,
68. wiping
companions,
6(J. Mutsuhito the king, said he 'd
stand no .... (words missing, presum-
ably something Japanese or Assyrian) . .
70. Whatever the others might care
to put up with ;
71. he 'd be jolly well blowed . . (no !
that doesn't sound
72. much like the way a descendant
of Sun-gods would
73. put it !) Forth came the
warships
74. their decks cleared for action,
from the land of the geisha,
75. leaving the poor little toddling
creature with
76. her paint and her powder, her
crepe and
77. her sandals, to gaze through the
78. half-opened paper partition, 'mid
lanterns and
79. blossom, dropping tears on the
matting, as she said " Sayonara ! "
80. to the boys of Dai-Nippon.
81. From the land of the Daimios, of
Fuji-no- Yama,
82. the land of the nets'ke, came these
ivory-carvers
83. who have fastened their " ivories"
into the calves
84. of the foeman so firmly.
85. Mutsuhito the King, the lightning-
change-artist
86. who a few years ago was a sancti-
fied image, all shut in with curtains,
87. a divine, prehistoric, brocaded
Mikado, now sends forth
88. his krusaz, the latest from Elz-
wikh and Elz-where, all talking
89. like humans on the mdrkon-
isistem ;
90. as wily as weasels, as swift as the
eagle,
91. his shark -like destroyers who
hover in shadows
92. held in leash like the cheetah (by
the way quite the
93. best kind of beast for the pur-
pose ;) avoiding the keen
94. flashing eye of the searchlight till
the moment for planting
95. death - dealing torpedoz in the
vitals of foeman lying inside
96. the harbour — staggering millions
and knocking them
97. endways to lie upon mudbanks
.... But the straits
98. of Portartha — like honourable
wasp under miserable
99. tumbler, were really a phliJibait
to the straits of .
100. the poor journalist correspon-
dents who 'd been sent out
101. to thrill us with startling de-
tails, . .
102. sat about Nagasaki, and Shang-
hai, and Kobe
103. in elaborate warkits, and simply
104. knew nothing ; and so, to pre-
vent all their
105. stylographs rotting, they wrote
about picnics, jinrikslias,
106. their boyhood, and what sort of
print-frocks their
107. nurses wore mostly, and how
they remembered one day
108. at Kioto when someone said
something,
109. and all about Togo's great-
grandmother's garden,
110. and soon and so forth, cltsettrah
111 Poor beggars ! it's
really pathetic ! E. T. R.
DESICCATED DRAMAS.
(As supplied to Music-Hall Sketch Artists?)
THE LADY OF LYONS.
SCENE 1. — Interior of " The Golden Lion," near Lyons.
BEAUSEANT and GLAVIS enter from n.
Beauseant. As you justly observe, my dear GLAVIS, I am
the richest and gayest bachelor in Lyons. In spite of which,
PAULINE DESCHAPPELLES, who is merely the daughter of a
wealthy roturier merchant, has had the cheek and presump-
tion to refuse my hand in marriage !
Glavis (aside). So she has mine ! (Aloud) What could have
induced her to do that ?
Beau. Because I am, forsooth, a mere commoner, as my
father the Marquis lost his nobility in the French Revolution,
and the ambitious little hussy turns up her disdainful nose
at anything under a title.
Glavis. Then she will have to put up with a foreign one,
for all titles are " off " in France.
[Shouts outside of "Long live the Prince! Long live
Prince CLAUDE ! "
Beau. If we could but find some way to pay her and her
pompous mother out ! (Enter Landlord.) Who is this Prince
they are shouting for ?
Landlord. Only the pride of the village — young CLAUDE
MELNOTTE, the gardener's son. We call him "the Prince,"
because lie has educated himself above his station, which has
rendered him extremely popular. He has just won the first
prize in a local shooting match, and is madly in love with
PAULINE DESCHAPPELLES, the Beauty of Lyons, who does not
even know him by sight. \Exit
Beau. GLAVIS, an idea has just occurred to me for humiliat-
ing her. Let us discuss it in greater privacy.
[Exit with GLAVIS, R. Enter CLAUDE, L.
Claude (throwing small coins to crowd outside). Thanks,
friends; now go round to the tap-room and drink to my
success. (Cheers; to himself) Glory is priceless! (Enter
GASPAR.) Welcome, GASPAH, you doubtless bring me a letter
of thanks and compliments from the beauteous PAULINE for
the love-verses I gave you to deliver to her ? (GASPAR silently
holds out a bulky packet.) What— returned ! without a word ?
Gaspar. Chucked at me by a flunkey, with the remark
that his lady had never been so insulted in all her blooming
life ! Nay, worse ! I have borne that which no Frenchman
can suffer without indignity—they kicked me out ! ... I could
show thee the marks — but, well, no matter. It seems that
thy poetry must have been rather — [Exit, injured.
Claude (re-reading his verses.) No, I can't see a single line
i here to justify their kicking poor GASPAR so severely as that.
What have we gained by our so-called French Revolution,
if a gardener's son may not present original poetry to a
merchant's daughter ? Oh, to be revenged on this arrogant
beauty ! But how ? [Enter BEAUSEANT and GLAVIS, R.
Beau. I will tell thee. We will fake thee up as a bogus
Italian Prince of sorts, pay all thine exes, and introduce thee
to the haughty PAULINE— on condition that thou swearest to
wed her and bear her to thine humble home.
Claude. My brain reels. But it is too good a chance to
refuse. I swear. Fake me as ye will !
[Exit with them ; Interval. Then change to :—
SCENE 2.— The Gardens of M. DESCHAPPELLES' house at Lyons.
Enter Mine. D. with PAULINE, Colonel DAMAS, BEAUSEANT,
GLAVIS, and CLAUDE, disguised as The Prince of COMO.
Mme D. Oh, your Highness, I shall expire with laughter !
Isn t the dear Prince witty and amusing, PAULINE ?
Pauline. He is indeed, Madame ! And such lovely poetry
as lie writes, too ! So infinitely superior to the drivelling
doggerel of that impertinent fellow, CLAUDE MELXOTTE ' How
it ivould make you laugh, Prince !
Claude. Many thanks for the compliment. (To Mme. D.)
Pray .accept this diamond snuff-box. (To PAULINE) And you,
this ring, set with priceless brilliants -both heirlooms in my
family !
Beau, and Glavis (aside). The liar! Why, we lent them
to him, to render him more of a toff ! [Exeunt indignant!,,.
Lol Damas (aside). It 's my belief this fellow's a fraud!
(Aloud) As an Italian nobleman, you doubtless speak the
Ariur, 13, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
L'f.7
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268
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 13, 1904.
language. Dov e il treno per Tutti Frutti ? Portatemi un
po' di sapone !
Claude (aside). Why didn't I learn more of the lingo ?
(Aloud) If you call that gibberish Italian, it 's more than J
do ! [Exit Col. DAMAS, baffled.
Mmc. D. How well you , exposed my cousin DAMAS'S pre-
tentious vulgarity, Prince ! 1 will leave PAULINE to entertain
you. [Exit.
Pauline. Sweet Prince, toll me once more of that palace of
thine on the Lake of Conio !
Claude. Oh, ah — that palace ! Well, to be worthy of thee,
it should be a first-class residential mansion, lifting its marble
walls — which are fitted up with every modern improvement,
gas and hot water laid on all over the premises — to
eternal summer. It should also include a handsome aviary,
well stocked with feathered warblers, specially trained to
syllable thy name. Is the picture to thy liking?
Pauline. It has quite won my heart. I should have loved
thee just the same, even hadst thou not been a Prince !
[Exit H.
Col. Damas (enters L. with two swords). As you don't seem
to speak Italian, here are a couple of Conversation Manuals.
Claude (to himself). Luckily, I have had correspondence
lessons in Fencing ! (Aloud) Fool ! Take your ground !
(They fight; CLAUDE disarms Col. DAMAS, and returns his
sword respectfully.) The State's property, I think, Sir. Be
more careful of it in future.
Col. Damas. I am your friend for life ! A man who can
fence like that can't be a swindler ! If there 's anything I
can do for vou in future, name it ! [Exit.
Claude (to BEAUSEANT and GLAVIS, who re-enter). Fiends,
release me from my oath ! I can't and won't marry PAULINE.
She is such an angel !
Beau. You '11 marry her as per contract this very day. If
not, we '11 split upon you — and then she will marry me I
Claude. Anything to save her from such a horrible fate as
that ! I consent.
Enter Mme. D. with PAULINE.
Beau. We 've j ust been warning the Prince that he must
fly at once, as the Directory has his name and address.
Mme. D. Fly? Before he has made me his mother-in-law ?
Never !
Beau. Of course not. I will order a priest and a travelling
carriage, so that the happy pair may start on their honey-
moon withoiit delay.
Claude (to himself, in gloomy abstraction). 'Tis in the bond.
But Nemesis will soon upset my apple-cart ! [Change to : —
SCENE 3. — The Widow MELNOTTE'S Cottage. The Widow
discovered alone.
Widow. So my CLAUDE has wedded the proud PAULINE after
all, and they will be here anon ! Deary me! Ha — they come!
Pauline (enters with CLAUDE). It is most annoying that the
carriage should have broken down, and compelled us to spend
the night in such a poky hole as this — however, I must say
this old person seems fairly respectable. (As CLAUDE embrace's
the Widow) You seem to be already acquainted ?
Claude (frankly). We are. In point of fact, she is my
Mother, and I am CLAUDE MELNOTTE, the gardener's son.
Pauline. I see it all. So you are not a Prince ! What a
very ungentlemanly trick to play upon a lady !
Claude. It was. I loved you — you scorned my suit. When
you trample on a worm you cannot be surprised if it turns —
into a sham Prince !
Pauline. And this is your palatial residence ? Ha-ha-ha !
I shall be the laughing-stock of all Lyons !
Claude. Not so. There is 110 harm done. I have already
informed your parents, who will presently arrive to make
arrangements for a divorce. Meanwhile, "l will leave you
tinder my Mother's protection. [Exit.
Pauline. A divorce ! Then he will marry someone else !
(Sobs on Widow's breast.) Oh, Mother, he mustn't — ho
mustn't do that !
Widow. I regret to say I cannot altogether condone the
mess my son seems to have got himself into. [Exit.
Enter BEAUSEANT through window.
Beau. PAULINE ! By now you must know all. I have
come to console you. Fly with me !
Pauline. Sir, this roof, however lowly, is now my husband's,
and I must beg you come off it. Help !
[CLAUDE rushes in, and throws BEAUSEANT to other end of
stage ; BEAUSEANT produces a pistol ; PAULINE faints.
Claude. Coward ! You linew the weapon was unloaded !
Get out ! [Exit BEAUSEANT.
Enter the DESCHAPPELLES and DAMAS.
M. Desch. PAULINE, my child, leave this miserable impostor,
and we will procure you a divorce !
Patiline (reviving). I cannot. Impostor as he is, he is My
Husband, and it is now my duty to share his lot !
Claude. What a heart I have wronged ! Colonel DAMAS,
you once promised to do me a good turn. Get me into the
French army !
Col. Damas. I will. More, I have taken such a violent
fancy to you that I will stick you into every forlorn hope !
Claude. Then, farewell, PAULINE — these are my last words.
Pardon the liberty I have taken. I go — in all probability —
to fall amidst the carnage and roar of battle !
[Exit ; PAULINE faints : Picture, and change to : —
SCENE 4. — .4 Street in Lyons, two years later.
Enter Colonel DAMAS, with CLAUDE, now Colonel MORIER.
Damas. So here we are, back again at Lyons, on the
anniversary of that glorious day in which you distinguished
yourself ! So forlorn were the hopes into which I stuck you,
and so rapid is promotion in the French army, that, although
you joined as a simple private under the assumed name of
MORIER, you are now a Colonel and the Hero of Lodi.
Claude. I am— and I would I were in my soldier's grave !
For to-day, at one P.M. precisely, is not my PAULINE to sign a
contract to marry BEAUSEANT a week after she gets her divorce
from me ? If I could but see her once more !
Damas. You shall. I have an invite to witness the
ceremony, and will smuggle you in as a friend of mine.
She will never recognise you, now you have grown a
moustache. Let us go thither. [Change to —
SCENE 5. — A Room at the DESCHAPPELLES'.
M. and Mme. D., BEAUSEANT, and Notary (a thinking part).
Pauline (to BEAU.). I am reconciled to my doom. Still, I
implore you to let me off, while there is yet time !
Beau. Not me ! It is my turn now. "Unless you sign the
contract, I make your father a bankrupt !
Damas (enters, with CLAUDE). Not late, I hope ? Let me
introduce Colonel MORIER, the celebrated hero of Lodi.
Mme. D. Proud, I 'm sure, to receive such a distinguished
party. PAULINE, you have heard of Colonel MORIER ?
Damas (to PAULINE). As he slept in the same tent with that
young MELNOTTE, he can deliver any message you may like
to send. (Aside to Mme. D.) He will tell her what a
scoundrel MELNOTTE is !
Pauline (to DAMAS). Say that I love him more than ever—
but am compelled to act thus to save my father from be-
coming an insolvent.
Beau, (to M. DESCH., showing bundle of notes). As soon as
she signs, these notes will be yours ! PAULINE, the contract
awaits your signature.
Claude (tears up the contract). Hold ! I outbid you. (To
DESCH.) Old man, here is a pocket-book which contains the
sum twice told ! In a single year, by economising my
Amu, 13, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAIMVARI.
2G9
scanty pay, I have amassed a colossal
fortune. As every coin of it has been
bought with a soldier's blood, youjneed
not blush to accept it.
M. Desch. I do not. (Takes pocket-
boofc.) The contract is off. But I have
yet to learn to whom I am indebted for
this timely assistance?
Pauline. Ah, I recognise him now,
despite his moustache. It is my long-lost
husband ! [Rushes into his arms.
Claude. Oh, joy ! oh, rapture ! Weep,
PAULIN% weep holy tears on this humble
but be-medalled breast !
Beau. Torments and death !
beaten at the post thus ! Ha-ha !
you joy of your gardener's son !
[Exit.
Claude. A gardener's son who has
beaten his spade into a sabre, and with
it wooed the Angel of Virtue to cancel
his crime !
Mine. D. A Colonel and a hero, in
these hard times, is not a son-in-law to
be sneezed at. (Crosses to him.) Sir, I
wish you joy !
Claude. Ah ! Take my word for it,
Madame, Repentance is theiOnly true
mother of Respectability !
(Curtain.) F. A.
To be
1 wish
CHARIVARIA.
IT is rumoured that the GRAND LAMA
is not feeling very Grand to-day.] o ..-_
The statement circulated by a Motor
Journal that Major DONLOP, when
wounded in the Thibetan fighting,
exploded with a loud bang, is denied.
It is none the less a fact that the report
reached England.
The Novosti now declares that Russia
will not object to a British Protectorate
over Thibet. In these circumstances we
think it would be a graceful act were
the British authorities to return to the
Russian War Office the Russian guns
which the Thibetans had evidently
stolen from our friends.
Turkey has so often proved herself
to be behind the other Powers in the
matter of civilisation that it is a pleasure
to find her for once in advance of them.
Picture postcards, with few exceptions,
are now prohibited from entering the
SULTAN'S dominions.
Experiments having proved that water
is a dangerous element in which to
entrust Russian war- vessels, the eighteen
torpedo boats ordered by Admiral
MAKAROFF are being sent by railway.
The first suicide from a sky-scraper
has been carried out with great eclat in
New York, and there is every likelihood
that tins will be in the future the smart
death for Americans.
Much satisfaction has been expressed
in Ireland at the compliment paid to the
Irish people by the Admiralty in chang-
ing the name- of the Black Prince,
stationed at Queenstown, to that of the
Emerald. RANJI, however, is declared
to feel much hurt.
One of Scotland's leading drunkards
is reported to have died suddenly last
week on reading that some burglars who
broke into an Edinburgh public-house
wilfully turned on all the taps, and
allowed 130 gallons of good liquor to
run to waste.
Dr. BARTON'S airship will carry on its
months ago1 were stated -to have been
killed by the Turkhana tribe have
arrived in England. They one and all
deny the accuracy of the report.
It has been proposed that, to enable
the Town Councils to meet local expenses,
a tax shall be levied on all visitors to
certain watering - places. We were
under the impression that this was
already done by some of the hotels.
President ROOSEVELT has disapproved
of his daughter gambling on a race-
course. Unscrupulous opponents are
now attempting to make the PRESIDENT'S
re-election an impossibility by spreading
a report to the effect that he wishes to
deprive his countrymen of their right
to say " You bet."
Mike (tcho has been looking at the moon). "1 THINK, NURSE, THERE'S so MUCH LIGHT IN THE
ROOM TO-MGHT, I'LL JUST GO TO BED HI THE DAKK ! "
trial trip two black cats for luck. There
can, we suppose, be little doubt that the
reason why so many similar inventions
failed is that the owners neglected this
precaution.
An actress has confided to an inter-
viewer that she contemplates writing
two plays. " One is a pure comedy, and
the other is a serious drama." Some
think there is a greater opening for a
pure drama.
The theory that boys are descended
from monkeys has received an ugly
set-back. A Philadelphian gentleman
possesses a monkey who washes himself
with soap and water.
The four members of the British
expedition to East Africa who some
With reference to the indictment
brought against Society people that they
are now impatient of mourning, we
think that it is not fair to tar them all
with the same brush. A fashionable
widow replied only the other day to an
invitation to dinner that she regretted
that, owing to her recent bereavement,
she could not accept unless her hostess
could assure her that it loould be very
dull.
Belgrade having been visited by
repeated shocks of earthquake, King
PETER has at last resolved to hurry on
the punishment of the Regicides.
"Where will Major SEELYsit?" asks
a contemporary. The answer is : Under
Mr. CHAMBERLAIN. The ex - Colonial
Minister will doubtless sit on him.
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--T
: •-.
- . - - :-_ .-.;-
'The author
..-:- i-.V"
_^ 1 - -.-.i
.- -
- r/-.
of £L5,000-
Tredeya-, wh
So he throws over <
to the heiress, who incontinently yields
the charm of his god-fike countenance, the
bapery fimb*. EaAeL Tredegar, though not
the heroine, is die most interesting, because the
of the many women who play their part in the
Hat young gazeQe, Jeiaue, baring goffered
of the alnrtiant, marries, not a market gardener,
the habit of the fair known to Dielt SiciveUtr.
bat a drawing-master. The wooing of these two is, in its
as flnjiiiit as aie the successive <
of Gerald Fedenm. .As far as
shrewd saying, and incisive lie*
umtttmeA, The Vineyard will rank
woA.
. ._ ... . _ _-
lean only say that, for
of a new and pjqwawt literal
sban look forward to Mr. OBSTEDO^
with unusual interest. And I predict that many of his readers
wfll say the •me."
way,
field
withJon
literary style,
character are
QuiH - bori
T*« CdAnty at Home* by VIOLET Hurr (Qunus JBD HALL)
sort of book with an attractive cwrer and. a
title that soggeste great
reader who, it u
disappointed.
to a too i
may find himself
somewhat
One of my Junior Baronites reports: "I hare jnst rea<
Luz), the first norel o
The Napolar* of Sotting EM (Ji
the brilliant and paradoxical (M
paradoxical ") essayist, Mr. G. K. (
tamed, but fascinated me. Why?
it difficult to explain. Not became of the
would say 'brilliant but
u not only enter
, I should fine
fo
the rery sufficient reason that there is not a single female
in the whole book. Nor yet because it gives an imaginary
picture of London a century hence — for the reader who
expects 'anticipations' in the manner of Mr. H. G. WELLS
will be disappointed ; it pleases Mr. CHESTEKTOK to assume
that the London of that day will be precisely the same as
now, — only, if possible, more so. I can't give any idea o
the story, beyond saying that it is wildly fantastic, and even
preposterous. If you asked, as the Scotchman did of Homer
what it was intended to prore, I could only answer wit
a very uncertain voice.
"The author may have meant to point out the danger
the
hare, between
to the identity of one of the
Etherin doing so they have at
--- 1 T I .."--" --" -- - - 7~ - ~" -
T-" - "." "_--i " : r~ ~r
.-•--_- • ; li- :lr
r - --;_ - - :
- : " : •- '. i : " . : ~
Given two lasterH ai
s did Louis
. in their fires as is the
:••..-•••: • ;.- ^
Jed rake from the
itinai alao that *^" godfathers and god-
of these two sisters being of a mildly humorous
and enjoying, by anticipation, comic, or senon
conferred on their god-daughters the Christian
of Annabel and Anna respectively ; add to this, thai
good sister Anna is so devoted to reckless sister
to take upon her own innocent shoulders the burden of the
latter's peccadilloes and crimes; and further let there be
two men of the
of HILL, so much like each other thai
it is difficult to tell t'other from which, and there you hava
w tato the basis of the plot of Mr. PHILLIPS Omsmafs latest
romance entitled Anna, the Adventuress (WAXD, LOCK & OoJ
It is well written, carrying the reader straight along, neve*
giving him time to pause, and bringing everyone out of the
awful tangle triumphantly. For just one second, at a very
critical point in the strange story of these heroines' lives, the '
deeply interested reader, taking in every detail, -will tremblfl
lest the absolute necessity for the intervention of a magJBtnfl
(by a misprint we read " magistrates," p. 262) should clear
up all mystery and bring matters down to a mere common-
place level. But Mr. OPFESHEM knows his business
thoroughly ; he is quite aware of the thin ice which must
be crossed, and he skims over it in a single line, apparently
without an effort, and so swiftly,
that the danger has practically
never existed. It is all good
melodrama, and the author in
writing it has adopted the me-
thod which should be the rule
without exception in all dramatic
composition intended for stage
representation, namely, that of
letting his readers into the secret
and keeping his actors in the
dark. This he does up to a cer-
tain point, and then comes a real
surprise which does great credit DE
to his boldness of invention.
THE
BAROX
Ami. i'<
IM-NCII. OR Tin-: LONDON CHAIMVAIM.
271
SWEET SIMPLICITY.
The Pet Niece (who, on valuable uncle's visit, has been allowed to stay up for dessert). " Oil, UNCLE TOK, FATHElTsAlD you WOULD BE
3 TO BEING OUT SOME OF YOUR OLD CHESTNUTS. MAY I HAVE SOME? Do, PLEASE!"
VENUS TO MARS.
["A private of the Buffs has been court-
mail lalfd for striking a corporal during an
alt.'ivation arising put of the private having
worn his curls outside his cap. ... It is pro-
bable that the cap now in general use in the
Army, and also khaki for home wear, will
disappear, as both are in disfavour with
recruits." — Daily Paper.]
DEAR man of Mars, whose lordly gait
Upsets tin1 nerves of foreign nations,
We, one anil all, commiserate
Your pardonable perturbations.
Though men may fail to understand
The need, in clothes, of schemes poetic,
You'll find the ladies of the land
Most sympathetic.
And <Vnl they put upon its head
A cap inordinately silly ?
And iinixt it change its gold and red
For bilious khaki, willy nilly ?
"Khaki 's micli unbecoming wear
Whencheeks arc pale inc-hilly weather;
Nor may one curl of silky hair
ipo its tether.
The butcher wooes the parlour-maid,
And cook prefers a dark-blue helmet ;
But though the vogue has turned to
trade,
You 're impotent to overwhelm it.
What influence can you exert
On nurse perambulating Baby?
Enlist ! — small blame if you desert
As soon as may be.
We sympathise with your distress,
We know the power of pretty clothing,
The tragedy of dowdiness
Fills us with honourable loathing.
If they refuse to make you smart,
And keep your value down to zero, —
How can they think you '11 have the heart
To be a hero ?
Visitor. Well, now, tell me [how old
you all are ?
Little Girl. VERA 's twelve, MURIEL 's
ten, VIOLET'S eight, GUY and UNA, the
twins, are six, and I 'm five. I think
mother's twenty.
Note and Query.
I HAVE often heard of " Sewing the
Wind." Has a stitch in the side which
stops one's breath anything to do with
this? Yours, A CONSTANT INQUIRER.
Embarrassment of Riches : Margate.
Mother. Now, TOMMY, which would
you rather do — have a donkey ride or
watch father bathe ?
FROM the Dublin Evening Mail: —
" Mr. HYNES also moved for a similar order
against JOHN WARD, deceased, THOS. WALDBON,
deceased, . . . and for an extension of time
for a month for the service of the order, owing
to the difficulty of effecting service. The appli-
cation was granted."
FROM the Coleraine Chronicle : —
" TTIT ANTED, a NURSE to take entire charge
• V of a baby, not under 35 years of ag>'
Apply," Ac.
vol. cxxvi.
272
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[APRIL 20, 1904,
HOME THOUGHTS FROM ABROAD,
n.
BENEATH a noon atbirst to spend
The night's largesse of healing dew,
Russet and grey the rocks descend
Sheer to the sudden shoreless blue ;
Blossom of almond, bloom of peach
From crannied ledges lean their banners,
And Nature, far as eye can reach,
Adopts the most engaging manners.
Here, closely linked, the dancing hours
Renew the one unwearying strain ;
Kach season flaunts her spoil of flower*
Moving with jocund steps and fain ;
And Winter's self, the mate of Spring,
Checks not the feet that follow after ;
And April weaves her daedal ring
\Vith never a tear to dim the laughter.
Man, too, where other prospects please,
Is not, as usual, simply vile ;
His lesson learnt at Nature's knees,
He wears an entente cordiale smile ;
I hear his happy, reckless hoot,
I breathe his generous pungent odours
Where all the lower Corniche Route
Resounds with Anglo-French exploders.*'
Why, then, should I desert a spot
That makes my vagrant waistcoat thrill,
Prompting the rhymes I loosely dot
Down on my local washing-bill ''.
Why quit a world whose beauty wakes
The lyre of middle-aged Apollos,
And seek a dubious clime that breaks
The back of disillusioned swallows?
Is it in view of BROWNING'S words
Touching the charm of British Springs
That I, with those misguided birds,
Propose to fare on northward wings ?
Is it because my spirit pines
For London's over-rated season ?
Xo, it is not. The following lines
Confess a larger, loftier reason.
There is a moment (just behind
The vernal equinox it falls)
When patriots, like the imdersigned,
Are ware of England's voice that calls !
At once, from bower or bath or bed
(No cost so great the heart would grudge it)
They fly, like me, to hold her head,
And help to see her through the Budget !
Cap d'Ail, La Turbie.
111 By Tre, Pol, and Pen
Ye may know the Cornish men. — Old Song.
By Teuf, Hoot and Toot
Ye may know the Corniche Route. — New Song.
O.S.
"A Little Learning."
Lady Tactful (visiting small farmer). I hope, JOHN, the
rain has not damaged the wheat.
John. Ah, my lady, some of it will never grow ; the wet
has busted it.
.1/,-x. John (wlio is "educated"). He should have said
" Inirsted;" my lady. That's what he means.
Jjady Tactful. Never mind. I think I prefer the old-
fashioned pronunciation.
M. BOUDIN IN ENGLAND.
No. II.
I HAVE tried on more than one occasion to explain to
BOUDIN that one of the numerous secrets of our greatness as
a nation is our resolute devotion to sport and open-ail
exercise, and the consequent hardihood and indifference to
danger which are bred in us by these pursuits. " BOUDIN,'
I said to him the other day, while we were on our way to see
a great football match between the Southminster Meteors
and the Stonewall Thursdays, " BOUDIN, it 's a wonderfu
thing this love of sport that is implanted in the British
breast. We hold by it a great deal ; our public men en-
courage it. You will see Lord SoMERSHAM kick off the bal
to-day."
"Ah," says BOUDIN, "Lord SOMERSHAM is a player of foot-
ball? I did not know. Which side does he play on, this
lord ? Is he a strong man ? Can he run fast and kick the
ball far?"
" Why, no," I said. "I'm not sure that he ever played
football himself, and, as to strength and pace — well, you '11
see him and judge for yourself. But you must admit that
it 's a good thing to have a man like that — an Earl, you know,
and all that sort of thing— showing an interest in the amuse-
ments of the people. We hold that in this way we avoid
revolutions and bring classes together, don't you know ? "
Well, you may believe me or not, but it 's the plain truth
that BOUDIN, if I may say so, wouldn't have this at any
price : —
"I know your SOMERSIIAM," he said, "as well as if I had
already seen this lord who is not a football-player, but who
is to kick the ball once to-day with a patent leather boot.
He will not kick him very far, oh no, but he will kick him, and
the spectators will give lively applaudings and he will walk
away thinking he is a splendid fellow for giving this kick,
and the crowd will think they are splendid fellows because
he has come down amongst them. We have not quite got,
rid of our SOMERSHAMS in France : they are still there, but we
do not fall down and let them put their patent leather boots
on our necks."
"My dear BOUDIN," I interrupted, for we were walking
with many others, and I didn't care to have such sentiments
iddressed to me without protest. " My dear BOUDIN, you must
admit there is some slight difference between a monarchy and
a republic. A republic is unfavourable to the growth of
individuality: it cultivates u dead level of respectable
mediocrity —
" Oh," laughed BOUDIN, "I know that phrase by heart. I
liave read it myself in your Daily Something or other. It is
i beautiful phrase and very consoling, and it goes on that a
npnarchy like the British Monarchy which rests upon the
iffections of the people can do — well, I really do not know
that there was anything that this newspaper thought it could
not do — but I do not think it explains Lord SOMEKSHAM.
And these football-players, now — what kind of men are
they?"
"The Southminster Meteors," I replied, "are famous for
.heir great victory last year. The Stonewall Thursdays have
peen, I believe, comparatively unknown until this ye'ar. In
fact their last season was almost disastrous, but the Com-
mittee includes some of the best business men of the district,
md they got together a considerable sum of money and
imaged to collect a really first-class team. They pay their
nen well and regularly, and train them to perfection-"
"Pay them!" said BOUDIN, putting his hand up to his
lead, like a man who has had a sudden shock. " Pav them!
Then it may be they are not from Stonewall these Thursdays
hat are to play to-day ! They are hired and paid. Oh, but
hey cannot win against the Southminster men, those patriotic
Ami. 20, I'.MM.;
IM'NCII. ni; TIIK LONDON CIIAIMYAIM.
273
H j
UJ =
oc
§ 4
•
1
APIIII. 20, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
275
Meteors who are not paid. I will bet
five francs on the men of SouthminMer."
"Pardon me," I observed. "Yon do
not seem to understand. The South
minster team is paid also. They arc
both professional teams. I don't think
there's a man from Stonewall or South
minster amongst them, except one, by
tin- uay, from Stonewall, and he's play-
ing for the Soiithminstcr team."
" Hut then," says he, " they are gladia-
tors. They do not count. Where is
your love of open-air exercise in this?
You all sit and look on while tweuty-
t\vo men, who are well paid at so much
the kick, run about, after a ball. Now
in France we play ourselves, not many
of us, it is true, but we do not. pay
gladiators to amuse us. My dear friend,
you are in your decadence. Yon art-
like the Spaniards with their bull-
fights."
"Pardon me, BOUDIN," I said, with
some asperity, " I cannot permit you to
compare our British football to anything
so degrading as a bull-fight."
"Oh," said he, " I take bcick the bull-
fight if you do not like him, but the rest
is true."
At this moment we arrived at the
football ground, and went in. I have
left myself no room to describe either
Lord SOMERSHAM'S opening kick or the
progress of the match. It was a glorious
sight, such as you can see only in this
country. That much BOUDIN was forced
to admit.
THE GOLDEN MEAN.
TIIKUK be to whom the buttered bun
And thumping gingerbread appeal,
Who eat the artless Sally Lunn,
And swallow macaroons with zeal ;
Who when they hear the bell for tea, '11
Assume an obvious air of zest,
And eat enormously, yet feel
Quite comfortable in the chest.
Give me, at half-past twelve or one,
A homely but substantial meal ;
Boiled mutton, slightly underdone,
Or ribs of beef, or even veal.
The prawn, the oyster and the eel,
The lobster's claw, the turkey's
breast
Impair the wan digestion's weal,
But I consume them with the best.
I deem it cowardly to shun
The hidden terrors they conceal ;
They give you pains, but never one
That patent pills refuse to heal ;
Though I myself prefer to deal
Less drastically when oppressed
My too much fixxl : I simply steal
Into the library and rest.
SK \SONAIILE SPRING PUBLICATIONS. —
LAMII'S Tales.
NOT QUITE HER MEANING.
Tlie Vicar's Daughter. " I 'M GLAD TO FIND YOU 'VE TORKKU OVER A NKW LEAK, MUUGLES, AKD
DON'T WASTE YOUR MONEY AT THE PUBLIC-HOUSE."
Muggles. " YES, Miss, I HAVE IT IN BY THE BAIIKEI. NOW, AND THAT DO COME CHEAPER ! "
LEGEND ABRIDGED.
[Professor BRIDGE, lecturing on sounds due
to modifications of the internal anatomy of
fishes, stated that the Sirens of the ancients
were undoubtedly vocal fish.]
WHAT was the song the Sirens sang
Once in the long ago ?
Is it not written in BUTCHER and LANG ?
Surely the latter would know.
Where shall we seek those wondrous
isles,
How shall we hear those strains ?
Follow a leader of many wiles,
Choose a Professor of brains.
Come, let us sail on a keel of Fact,
Bound to a mast of Prose ;
This way are Sirens caught in the act,
Thus we may find Who knows ?
Haply a fish in the wine-dark sea,
Blest with a bladdery drum,
Using a twist in his vertebrae
Simply to make things hum.
Haply a proof that if HOMER nod,
Science provides excuse,
Melody wrung from a vocal cod
Put to equivocal use.
What if the Sirens' song was sweet?
Think of a fish-bone ridge !
Fancy and fact at the last shall meet,
Knowledge creates a BRIDGE.
Liverpool's Speciality?
FROM the Northern Daily Mail :—
"Among the passengers arriving by the
Cunard liner Etruria at Liverpool on Saturday
night was Dr. LUDWIG HEKTOEN, who purposes
to carry on experiments in this country for
tracking the scarlet-fever germ. Dr. HKMUKN
will sj>end about two months in Liverpool, and
! experiment on apes. There is a fine field for
I research at laverpool."
27G
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 20, 1904.
CHARIVARIA.
IT is rumoured that, encouraged b
the success of the Anglo-Frericli arrange
ment, the Sultan of Monocoo is about to
come to terms with the Pretender, the
basis of the agreement being that tin
SULTAN is to have England, and th
Pretender France.
We are sorry to learn that the recent
sudden and treacherous attack by th
Thibetans on our men at Garu seriously
injured the photographs that the officers
were taking.
By the courtesy of the Daily Mali
we are enabled to publish a further
Royal and Imperial Joke made by the
KAISEU at Malta. In the gardens of the
San Antonio Palace the august visitoi
planted a tree. As he did so, he said
wittily and laughingly to the gardener,
" Don't forget to water it, GEORGE."
The war-correspondents at Tokio are
stated to be spending their time playing
billiards. It is of course only natural
that they should like to see the balls
flying, and every now and then to hear
a cannon.
Mr. Justice GRANTHAM has been fined
£20 by a pickpocket without option of
imprisonment.
The Ayr Town Council has been
recommended by a public meeting to
re-elect Bailie MUNRO, the author of the
recent Burns Temple hoax, on the ground
;hat " a little nonsense now and then is
relished by the wisest men." This idea
of giving the members of the Council a
chance of showing that they are, after
all, wise men, is really shrewd.
One of the conditions of the sale of
old British warships which took place
ast week was that none of the vessels
vas to be sold to the Powers now at
var. The dispute between the London
bounty Council and the Thames Steam-
)oat Company therefore prevented any
if these vessels being purchased for
river traffic.
The Germans have fought an eight
lours' battle with, the Herreros. The
Trades Unionists claim this as a victory.
In consequence of the recent theft of
jannon from the Rotunda at Woolwich,
ill our new guns are, it is said, to have
a neat chemist's label affixed, " Not to be
aken."
The Moore and Burgess Minstrels are
10 more. Peace to their bones !
With reference to the edition of
DICKENS'S works which a New York
publisher is preparing for millionaires,
we understand that the same is not for
reading, but merely to brag about.
A complete set, as already announced,
will cost £26,000. It is possible that,
later on, a popular edition at £13,000
will be produced.
It is hoped that the members of the
Football Club who so disgraced them-
selves at Tenby the
shortly win a gaol.
other day will
We understand that next year the
Motor-Boat Races at Monte Carlo ;
to take place in the evening, as the
effect of the illumination when a boal
catches fire is so much prettier in the
dark.
" May and December cannot mate,
said Mr. PLOWDEJJ the other day. Our
recollection of last May is not so pleasant.
More Post Office delay ! Mr. BOUIJMNG,
n an address to London spiritualists,
stated that he had only just received a
communication from ANNE BOLEYN.
MUSICAL JOTTINGS.
THE BILGER FESTIVAL.
ALL the arrangements are now com-
plete for the BILGER Festival, which is
;o be held early in June at Olympia.
.n all, four performances will be given :
on Monday the 6th, Wednesday the 8th,
^riday the 10th, and Saturday the llth.
3rofessor ERASMUS BILGER, who will
Conduct the Festival, has never visited
iiigland before, but his name has long
>een a household word amongst us.
klore strident than STRAUSS, more exciting
han SOUSA, more dramatic than WAGNER,
t is not too much to say that the famous
iessarabian composer is now the fore-
most luminary of the musical world.
The programme for the opening day
fill include the new overture The Siege
f Port Arthur, the new concerto for the
rosse caisse, and the Symphonic Poem,
"he Devil among the Tailors. On
Vednesday will be presented the cantata
~'andemonium, the overture to The
Boilermakers, and a new scena for bass
olo and double orchestra entitled Stentor
defying the Thunder. Friday's pro-
gramme will consist of the oratorio The
hdl of Bashan, and Saturday's will be
leveled to extracts from the opera of
Armageddon, and the new puzzle sym-
ihony Abracadabra; or, He, She, and
he Postman. The above titles are all
iteral translations from the Bessarabian.
As the Abracadabra symphonv ha
never yet been hckrd in England, th
following extract from an article by Mr
H. CHOLLOP, the eminent American critic
may interest our readers. Writing ir
the Minnesota Mugwump Mr. CHOLLOP
says : —
" Rigid and unmanageable in their simp]
form as chunks of old red sandstone, the
themes become, in Herr BILGER'S magical hands
as plastic as putty, aa digestible as blanc
mange. The working-out section in the firs
movement, where the solemn strains of th
perdoneum are heard for the first time through
a shimmering mist of tremolando picaroons
is in its way quite unique. As the poe
remarks, ' imagination's widest stretch ii
wonder dies away ' before the rhomboida
conglucination of BILGER'S polyphony. Ont
word, and one only, can dimly adumbrate the
gallianibic frenzy of the Scherzo — it is salicylic
unless indeed we should say atarambamphian
The slow movement is more than divine : the
finale is the apotheosis of amentia. It used to
be said, See Naples and die. A better way is
to hear BILGER and get a new drum to youi
ear."
The orchestra, in addition to the usual
complement of strings and wind, will be
augmented for the occasion by the fol-
lowing instruments : Two Bombardo-
phones, three large perdoneums with
muted scoops, four bass jamboons, three
picaroons, two octoroons and one maca-
roon, four contra-zoedones (the first two
in D and A, and the two others in M
and N), four sitzbaths, one tubular
Italian bedstead, ten cab-whistles, three
pairs of kitchen tongs, one piccolo warm-
ing-pan, one sax-harpoon, one pestle and
mortar, two gas-jets (in C and C sharp),
and sixteen cockatoos.
LIMITATIONS.
FOR Mr. BEERBOHM TREE'S Dramatic
School there is to be, as announced, a
' First Entrance Exam." Quite right,
of course, but why not "a Second
Entrance Exam." and another for a Third
Entrance? Or is there to be a special
class for students whose duties in the
art of acting are to be entirely confined
;o coming on at the " First Entrance "
either "R.H. or L.H."? If this be so,
;hould there not also be a very strict
examination of the pupils whose 'duty it
will be to get a rise in the Theatrical
srofession by coming up " traps " ? Will
-he Grigolatis have a class which will
nclude the responsibilities of Wire-
pullers and the duties of flying fairies ?
We are
veloped
anxious to
prospectus
see a further de-
of the School of
Treeatrical Art as soon as possible.
MORE ARMY REFORM NEEDED.— From
-he Yorkshire Post: " Leeds.— Capital
)eer-house, doing nice steady trade, suit
•x-soldier." Who controls soldier-ex ?
APIIII, i'o, 1904.]
, OR THK LONDON rilARIVAIM.
277
WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH.
Artist. "PERHAPS IF YOU COME HERE YOU WILL GET A BETTER LIGHT ON THE PICTURE. THIS STUWO is NOT NEARLY I.AKGE
ENOUGH."
Fair Visitor (desirous to understand). " YES, YES, I KNOW. ONE CAX'T GET FAR ENOUGH AWAY FROM YOUR PICTURES ! "
FRANCHISE REFLECTIONS.
["In the Australian Commonwealth every
male and female who is of age and qualified
by residence possesses the suffrage. . . . The
Premier of Victoria has been reduced to
threatening a Bill compelling the voter to
come to the poll." — Daily Chronicle.']
THE old, old tale ! Man prizes
What he possesses not,
And evermore despises
The treasure he has got.
The apple on the topmost tree,
The unattainable fair She —
How excellent they seem to be
While still beyond his lot!
Brave men have fought and striven
With body and with soul
That they might e'en be given
The freedom of the poll ;
And lady lobbyists, at sight
Of whom pale .Members speed their
Bight,
Believe the world wonld all be right
\Verc they upon the roll.
But glance o'er Southern waters,
Where Freedom reigns alone,
And all her sons and daughters
Can make their wishes known.
There you will find the votes as thick
As blackberries, when corn 's in rick,
And none of course will care to pick
What is so freely strewn.
Old Athens in her glory
Was called upon to face
The same ignoble* story
About her sons' disgrace.
They would not go to vote- -not they !
They loved to loaf the livelong day,
And gossip in an idle way
Around the market-place.
Then was the rope well reddened,
Compelling one and all
Whose civic sense was deadened
To answer duty's call.
If any sought to duck his head,
His chiton showed the tell-tale red,
And from his purse the obols sped
To build the long sea-wall.
Ah, happy thought ! Let's follow
The Periclean lead !
Let every Briton wallow
In votes he does not need ;
And if he fail to exercise
The privilege he ought to prize,
Such action let us stigmatise
And make his pockets bleed.
Thus deficits shall vanish,
And lo ! the unwonted sight
Of surpluses shall banish
The fears of Budget night. [play
Instead of frowns, glad smiles shall
About the House on tbnt fair day
When other taxes pass away
Into the Ewigkcit.
A JURYMAN OF A SIZE. — A Welsh
publican who weighs thirty stone has
lately been informed that his bulk will
not invalidate him from sitting on juries.
" Squashing the verdict " is likely to
become a popular feature at the Welsh
Assizes.
278
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 20, 1904.
UNLIMITED ST. LOUIS.
CEASELESS in their endeavours to turn
the St. Louis Exhibition into ;i veritable
microcosm, the Executive have arranged
not only for a vivid representation of
the Boer War, the preparations for
which have been just concluded, but
also for the faithful reproduction of a
variety of other phases of the British
spirit. Thus : —
Side Show No. XXIII.
THE BRITISH SENATE.
A FISCAL NIGHT IN THE HOUSE
OF COMMONS.
Every day at 3 and 9, the English
MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL,
specially engaged at enormous expense,
will repeat his famous
CLEARING-HOUSE SPEECH,
in the midst of which a number of
TRAINED AND BRAINY HISTRIONS
will execute an exact imitation of the
MINISTERIAL STAMPEDE,
headed by
BILL GILLETTE AS MR. BALFOUR.
Side Show No. XXX.
LONDON DURING THE SALES.
ENGLISH AMAZONS ON THE WAR-PATH
Tire SIEGE OF DERRY AND TOMS.
For this representation, which will
occur twice a day during tlie Exhibition,
THREE HUNDRED OF LONDON'S
LEADING BARGAIN-HUNTERS
will be specially imported.
N.B. — A Thousand Dollars worth of
Remnants are
TORN TO SHREDS
at every performance.
Side Show No. LXVI.
(Reduced Model.}
THE BRITISH MUSEUM READING
ROOM
On Saturday Afternoon.
SERMON-COPYING IN FULL SWING.
In the Great Arena.
Two PERFORMANCES DAILY
will be given by
MR. A. P. WATT'S
IONGRESS OF ROUGH WRITERS,
chief among whom will be
RUD KIPLING (Imperialist Verse-jerker).
M'RICE HEWLETT (Battle-Axe Exponent).
CON DOYLE (the Human Sleuth-hound).
BILL LE QUEUX (Sensational Illusionist)
GEEKY CHESTERTON (Lightning Impro-
viser).
THEO WATTS-DUNTON (Hyphen Expert).
~"ET RIDGE (Cockney Impersonator).
•FUTURE" WELLS "(with Counsels of Per-
frction).
JEROMKY JEROME (with imitations of MARK
TWAIN).
SID LEE (the Stratford - on - Avon Bacon
puncher).
and
ALF AUSTIN (British Lion Comique).
The British Slow Lunch Restaurant.
In this Eating-house Americans who
are in the habit of placing on their office
doors a placard which runs: —
" (IIIM; TO LUNCH,
BACK ix FIVE MINUTES,"
will have the novel sensation of being
neglected by
LONDON WAITERS
whose
NATIVE DELIHERATENESS
is aggravated by
RHEUMATIC ARTHRITIS.
At this Restaurant even the
HASTY PUDDINGS FREEXE EN ROUTE.
SPECIALITY :— POTAGE D'ESCARGOTS.
N.B. -Don't ask for the salle amanger: ask
for the salle d'attente.
N.B. — Have your tips handy, as there is a
charge for going out.
MORE NEW ELEMENTS.
(An Interview with Sir William Ramsay.)
THE report that Dr. BASKERVILLE, the
Trans- Atlantic RAMSAY, has discovered
several new elements in the radio-
active group, has not excited any sur-
prise on the part of our Sir WILLIAM
RAMSAY, whom one of Mr. Punch's
representatives recently interviewed ai
University College.
" Yes," said the Gower Street scientist
"BASKERVILLE is an able chemist and
veracious investigator, and I place com-
plete confidence in his statement of the
discovery of two new elements, which he
has no doubt already tried on his hound,
an animal of a highly fluorescent tem-
perament. But, after all, the addition
of two new elements is a paltry con-
tribution compared with the half-dozen
which I have discovered in the last few
days."
"Half a dozen?" asked Mr. Punch's
representative in amazement. " So
many ? "
" 0, yes," replied the intrepid savant,
"I consider a day lost that does not
produce a new element."
"And what are the latest? " inquired
the interviewer.
"Well, let us take them in order.
The first is Savillium, a gregarious
substance which gives off the well-known
Lankester Rays in great profusion and
intensity."
" Can these Rays be used for illumi-
nating purposes ? "
" Yes, certainly. One of them is now
metalled _at the Natural History Museum,
South Kensington, where it may be
observed in a high degree of activity."
This is profoundly interesting. I
implore you to continue."
" Certainly : to proceed with my list
Another of the new elements is Tim
helium, found originally in some vitrio
waste at Bantry, co. Kerry. This is ai
extraordinarily active and aggressive
element, the peculiarity of which is tha
it is excited to an inordinate degree
by contact with the cognate elements
of Dillonium, Flavinium, or Davittium.'
The great scientist here paused for
breath, giving the interviewer an oppor-
tunity of recording his words exactly as
they fell from the magician's lips. After
imbibing a refreshing draught of liquic
air (DEWAR'S Special Vatted) the speakei
continued : —
" Corellium, another recent discovers'
is an extraordinarily beautiful but ven
sensitive element, recently found in
mighty atoms on the banks of the Avon,
3ut as to its utility there is a conflict of
opinion.
"Lastly," said Sir WILLIAM, "there is
Seelium, found all over the Isle of
Wight, and also for a while at West-
ninster. Curiously, however, Seelium
vanished from Westminster for a short
jeriod — completely. But it is now again
noticeable there. A very disturbing
lenient indeed."
"And how long a life, Sir WILLIAM,
lo you give these new forces ? "
" They will disintegrate and disap-
pear," said the Marvel of Science, " in a
very short time — one and all," and with
these profoundly pessimistic words he
turned again to his liquid air.
DRY-FLY NOTES.
Foil THE VERY RICH.
HAVING secured a mile or miles of some
first-rate chalk-stream, and thus having
established his claim to social distinction,
the plutocratic tyro will next set about
providing himself with the apparatus
necessary to his sport. On this point
the following hints may be of service :
Waders.— These are essential. No
portion of the fisherman's outfit has a
more thoroughly sporting appearance.
As spurs serve to mark the fearless
horseman, so waders must always indi-
cate the successful, angler. It is well to
enter the water from time to time. The
wet area resulting from this practice
will always create a pleasant impression
upon the mind of the spectators.
Brogues. — These should always be
built of canvas and brown leather. The
straps and buckles are very workman-
like, and nothing gives a better finish to
the costume.
Rod. — It is advisable to have a rod.
Should the fisherman find occasion to
walk any distance along the high-road,
ihe presence of this implement at once
declares his purpose to any brake-loads
of holiday-makers which may overtake
APRIL L'O, 1004. j
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
L'7<)
or meet him. Without the Rod he
might conceivably be mistaken for a
farm hand. With it, the most, ignorant
of tourists must know him for what
he is.
Landing-net. — When using the high-
road aa above-mentioned, it is customary
to slip the handle of this useful weapon
down the back of the jacket, allowing
the net itself to stand up immediately
above the head. This is very effective.
Of course, by the water, both rod and
net will l)e carried, each by its proper
attendant.
/•Vies. — No self-respecting fisherman
will provide himself with fewer than six
assorted dozen of these indispensable
little contrivances. Of these, five dozen
will be retained for purposes of com-
parison, discussion and exchange, should
the Waltonian meet with a brother of
the angle.
The twelve remaining flies will be
selected carefully from among the May-
flies, Sedges, Alders and other large
varieties, and will be sewn strongly on
to the cap, topee, or other head-dress.
This simple precaution will always win
the admiration of the uninitiated.
It is assumed that the angler for
whose benefit these lines are written,
though suitably wealthy, is one who
desires to conform as fully as possible
to the simple and unassuming canons
of his craft. The number of the atten-
dants who, it is suggested, should^wait
upon him has therefore been brought
down to the irreducible minimum.
None but anglers of the very first rank
(incomes from £200,000 per annum i
upwards) will find it necessary to sur- I
round themselves with a greater number ,
of servants. In a few words then, and
by way of illustration, let us try to
indicate the manner in which a modern
trout should be brought to grass.
The Angler Proper will repair to a
tree situated at a convenient distance
from the water, thereunder to enjoy his
Regalia or his repose as his fancy may
suggest.
The Notifier of Rises will station
himself by the stream, the surface of
which he must closely scan for any sign
of a moving fish. This office involves
some responsibility, for he who fills it
must I.MSSCSS i]1(. power of discriminating
between the rises of small or large trout.
A really competent Xntifier will never
bring his master to the waterside for
anything under three pounds.
<>n a iish being signalled the /,'..,/-
bearer will betake himself with all
speed to the bank, and after getting
into position will let out sufficient line
to enable the Angler Proper to reach the i
quarry. All being ready, the Notifier:
will inform his employer of the fact.
The Angler Proper will now come
into action. Taking the rod from its
WHAT SHE OUGHT NOT TO HAVE SAID.
She. "I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY or YOUB PEOPLE HERE TO-NIOHT, MB. CAHTEB. I HOPE THEY ABE
WELL?"
Mr. Carter. " No. THEY 'VE ALL GOT COLDS. I WAS THE ONLY ONE OF THE FAMILY ABLE TO
COME." She. "Oa! I AH BOBBY."
bearer he will make the necessary cast,
rise and hook the fish, when, relinquish-
ing the split-cane to the Player (who
should stand close by), he will return to
his amusements. Nothing now remains
but for the Lander to slip the net under
the Spotted Beauty, for the Photographer
(who has already secured a record of the
successful cast) to develop his plate,
and for the Reporter (whose office may,
where Spartan simplicity is a desidera-
tum, be held by the last-named official)
to send in his account of the capture to
enrich the columns of the Sporting
Press.
WHEN is a fisherman like a Hindoo?
When he loses his cast.
A "Times" Query Answered.
SAT, " Who controls Policeman X ? "
Why, look'ee,
He — so devoted to the sex,
And ever wary
Near an " airy "-
Is oft controlled by " Cooky."
AWARDS OF MERIT. — Mr. C. B. FRY, in
recognition of his services to Sussex
cricket, has been presented with a motor-
car. Taking the hint, the motorists of
Great Britain have presented Mr. C. S.
ROLLS with a cricket-bat. Both gentle-
men hope to make some recordj runs
with their gifts.
280
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 20, 1904.
A SPRING HANDICAP.
"WHY DID YOU HOT RUN TOUR HOESE, UNCLE?"
'•BECAUSE THEY PUT TOO MUCH WEIGHT ON HIM, MY DEAD."
"I SUPPOSE THEY THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT TO RIDE HIM YOURSELF.'
SHAKSPEARE IN LONDON.
A BRIEF official announcement has
been made to the effect that on the 23rd
inst. — the anniversary of SHAKSPEAKE'S
birth and death — Mr. FAIRMAN ORDISH
•will conduct a ramble through SHAK-
SPEARE'S London, followed by a short
address in the Hall of Gray's Inn by
Mr. CARMICHAEL STOPES. Mr. Punch is
glad to be able to supplement this bald
statement with the following interesting
details as to the itinerary to be followed
on the occasion.
Every member of the expedition
having been furnished with a copy of
BACON'S Map of London, the procession
'will form up outside Mr. SIDNEY LEE'S
'residence in Kensington, whence, sing-
ing in unison " Come unto these yellow
'iands," it will march to the Albert Hall,
where -a pianoforte recital by Mr.
••WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE will be given.
' Between the moreeaux Mr. F AIRMAN
ORDISH will lecture on " What SHAKSPEARE
would probably have thought of the
Albert Memorial if he had seen it."
The party will then move on to the
British Museum, singing "Sigh no more,
ladies," where a pause will be made for
a review by Dr. FURNIVALL, in the cos-
tume of a Field Marshal, of all the
students in the Reading Room who are
engaged in Shakspearian research. To
each a copy of the latest homoeopathic
edition of Love's Labour '« Lost will be
presented, together with a microscope to
facilitate perusal.
To the strains of " You spotted
snakes," the procession will now seek
Madame TUSSAUD'S, where the effigy of
the Bard will be examined, and where
Mr. ISRAEL GOLLANCZ will recite in the
Chamber of Horrors " 0 that this too too
solid wax would melt."
The company, tearing itself away,
will then march four abreast to the tune
of " On, Bacons, on," via Ham Common,
to Denmark Hill, and give an open-air
performance of Hamlet, with Mr. HARRIS,
the Sausage King, in the role of Polonius,
and Mr. ALGERNON ABHTON as First Grave-
digger.
The programme will be fittingly com-
pleted by an al fresco fete in Stratford
Place, with old English games, climbing
a greased pole, tilting at the Quintain,
&c., organised by Sir GILBERT PARKER
and Sir LEWIS . MORRIS, and a grand
costume conversazione and champagne
supper at the '•' Falstaff Arms," East-
cheap, when the Laureate will present
Mr. FAIRMAN ORDISH with a •* butt of
Malvoisie and sing " Hark, [hark, the
lark."
FROM the Yorkshire Post: —
Birtli-
" "TOT ANTED, HOUSEKEEPER-GENERAL.
* • day about September 23 ; email house
four in family ; entire duties except laundry."
" Birthday on February 29 " would be
more easily understood.
A STIRRING ARTICLE. — A teaspoon.
ITNCII, ou THI-: LOXDOX CHARIVARI.- APRIL 20, v.to i.
THE BECKONING.
MR. BULL. " YOU 'RE A CHARMING COMPANION, MY DEAR ARTHUR ; BUT I REALLY DON'T
THINK I CAN LET YOU ORDER THE DINNER AGAIN."
Arnii. L'<>, I'.ioi.
1TNC1I. OH THE LO.MtnX f'HAKI VA I!!.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FIKIM THE I MARY »f T<iin. .M.I'.
Houxeof I'liiiiniiiiix, Tm'xiliii/. ;\i»-il I-
— Reassembled after Kaster holidays
In spile of frantic summon.-, from per-
turbed Whip, attendance ill opening
small, -lust now, -1 P.M.. situation lii^
hrions. Xavv Ksti males under discussion.
CASAIHAVV I'UI.TUIAN alone on tin
Treasury Hench whence all but he have
lied. Occasionally that other son of
N'eptime. joint representative of the
naval power of Great Britain, Brevet -
Major AliTlll'li I.KK, sometime Adjutant
of the Hong Kong Volunteers, looked in
to lend a hand to Admiral I'm:n\iA\
should any rope go astray.
At question time announcement made
that in nine years seventy millions have
been spent upon construction of new
ships. Time was when patriotic ambition
at Admiralty was limited to having in
fit and readv state a tonnage of lighting
ships exceeding that of any two Powers.
Now, by lavish expense, arc running
close up to kicking the beam in the
three Powers scale. That is good. Add
an ex-Captain of Artillery as Civil Lord
of the Admiralty, and an ox-Professor of
Strategy and Tactics from the Royal
Military College, Canada, as Secretary to
the Admiralty, jointly representing
Department in House of Commons, and
the heart surges with proud conviction
that, actually, Great Britain ranks on an
equality with any four Naval Powers.
In spite of this exhilarating thought
profound depression reigns. Only men
equal to resisting influence are DILKE
and CAP'EN TOMMY BOWI.ES. The CAP'EN,
Dr. Hutchinsoii lias lici-n making inquiries
alxiut " Low Grailt- Hops ! " (Our Artist trusts
it is not this kind!) 4
"THE CAP'KX " TAKES TUB LANDSMEN OLT w TIIENI DEPTH.
(Mr. G-bs-n B-wl-s, Mr. Pr-tym-n, and Mr. L-e.)
throned in his corner seat, is ominously
leferential to PRETYMAN (late R.A.).
Admits that his knowledge of naval
actics is extensive and peculiar. But
lints that perhaps men who have been
o sea since boyhood also know a thing
ar two.
Makes no personal reference to an
)ld salt who left a leg at Aboukir and
dropped an arm at Trafalgar. But the
lew Members present gaze in sym-
pathy on the war-worn front and re-
ject on the perversity of judgment,
the fantasy of prejudice, that arranges
who shall sit on the Treasury Bench and
who shall be stranded on a back bench.
As for DILKE, what a day he is having,
jo be sure ! There has been lapse of
'ull a fortnight since, turning over the
>ages of his encyclopaedic mind, he had
)pportunity of reading one or two to
.istening Senate. Has won European
recognition as critic of military affairs.
£nows the Navy equally au fond. With
.mbidextrous skill plays with the pro-
'undities of either or both. This after-
noon, luminous on the undergunning
of cruisers ; wary on the subject of
joiler ; distrustful of Germany ; posted
up on submarines, he, alert, informing,
rose to speak on successive votes.
Amazed at the moderation of his own
erudition. Meanwhile, on Treasury-
Bench sat the enraptured ex-Captain of
\rtillery, the entranced ex-Adjutant of
•emotely situated Volunteers, blushing
it the elementary knowledge of naval
.ffairs which justified their Ministerial
minority.
Business done. — Enormous. By seven
o'clock, after two divisions and many-
speeches, Opposition suddenly collapsed.
In three hours, diversified with talk,
seven millions sterling voted for Navy.
Then, as rapidly as Chairman could
rattle through d< tails, six votes, totting
up to additional I \\<> millions, submitted
and agreed to.
"A PRKTY good day's work, MAN,"
said the Secretary to the Admiralty to
the Civil Lord.
"Yes," said the Civil Lord to the
Secretary, "we've made up LnK-way."
Thus do grave Ministers palter with
puns after four hours in Committee of
i Supply on Navy Estimates.
Wednesday. — Regret to observe in
that otherwise estimable statesman, our
new COLONIAL SECRETARY, lack of human
sympathy. Missed a great chance this
, afternoon. SWIFT MACNEILL addressed
to him series of questions designed in
spiritual interest of heathen Chinee soon
to be journeying to South Africa.
During their voyage what provision
will be made for the exercise of their
rites? asked the Member for Donegal.
On their arrival at their destination
will the mine-owners, in addition to
caring for their material needs, allot, free
of charge, building sites for temples?
i And how about observance of Chinese
festivals? Dear to AH SIM; are the
recurring epochs of the New Year, the
Dragon Boat, the Full Moon, and the
Winter Solstice. Will ho have oppor-
tunity of observing them?
Although on spiritual mission bent,
SWIFT MACNEILL was of a frugal mind.
Given the sites for the temples, who was
to meet the charges of the buildings?
The fiscal relations of Great Britain and
Ireland notoriously unfairly weigh upon
a country distressed through the ages.
284
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 20, 1904.
"THE BOARD'S CALVES."
" Mr. W-r asked the President of the Local Government Board whether Dr. Blaxall, a salaried officer of the London Board, receives
from the Scottish Board £105 per annum for lymph prepared in the Board's laboratory and produced from the Hoard's cahes "
Is Ireland's share of Imperial taxation
to be enlarged in order that AH WHY
and AH No, having relieved their sleeves
from storage of superfluous aces, may
repair to their tabernacle and do honour
obeisance to the
to the Dragon Boat,
Full Moon?
A cricketer of
renown, ALFRED
LYTTELTON might reasonably have been
expected to play up to SWIFT MAONEILL'S
little game. One of his insidious
" slows " would have bowled him out in
the first over. LYTTELTON, who resents
reference, however guarded, to the
harmless Chinee, shortly answered that
he had nothing to add to a former reply
protesting total ignorance on the subject.
Nor was he more communicative when
JEREMIAH MACVEAGH put supplementary
question brimming with delicate con-
sideration for interests of an absent
Minister.
"If idols are provided in the com-
pounds will the right hou. gentleman,"
JEREMIAH asked, " undertake that they
shall be made in Birmingham? "
JESSE COLLINGS audibly purred with
pleasure. As a rule doesn't think much
of the Irish Members. Here was one
whose connections were remote from the
Midland capital of Consistency and
Intellect. Seeing his opportunity of
putting in a word for the trade of the
town he seized it.
Birmingham has its idol, its face to-day
turned homeward. MACVEAGH not using
word in that sense. It is the image
compact of brass or meaner metal, sold
liv the pound weight, with something
thrown in for the services of the artificer,
that filled his generous mind. Birming-
ham has had much to do with creation
of state of things leading to importation
of Chinese to the Transvaal. It has,
therefore, a right for preference in reap-
ing any material reward going. Our
new COLONIAL SECRETARY ignored question,
and SPEAKER called on the next.
Business done. — Well, none between
COLONIAL SECRETARY and the Member for
South Down interposing as uncom-
missioned agent for Birmingham Brass
Foundries. Hence Lamentation of
JEREMIAH.
Friday night. — "House just now
reminds me of timid old gentlewoman
wanting to cross Piccadilly in what New
Yorkers call rush hour of the day.
Gathers her skirts tightly round her
limbs so that she is sure to stumble if
she misses her footing ; makes dash
forward at most inopportune moment ;
runs back just when half a dozen steps
boldly taken would have carried her
over. Altogether in pitifully nervous,
shaken condition. Like TIM HEALY'S
friend HABAKKUK, capable de tout in the
way of foolishness."
Thus the MEMBER FOR SAHK, surveying
the House, almost in moribund condition.
True that spirits are hopelessly de-
pressed, especially on Ministerial side.
The question " Is Parliamentary life
worth living ? " universally answered in
negative. Opposition eager to get off
to the poll, where, in spite of still
divided leadership, they feel like
"Tommy Dod, sure to win." Minis-
terialists harassed by constant cries
from Whips' room of " Wolf, Wolf ! "
riven on questions of high policy,
disgusted with wobbling in high places,
do not care how soon it is over. All the
same, with the instinct of self-preserva-
tion felt by men on a raft, they cling to
the cheerless creaking planks and try to
dodge the engulfing seas.
Rumour having a rare good time. At
every turn fresh flush of perturbation.
When, on Tuesday, sittings were re-
sumed, and PRINCE ARTHUR announced
postponement of introduction of Licens-
ing Bill, everybody knew what it meant.
Hopeless division in the Cabinet; impossi-
bility of smoothing it over even by
circulation of a fresh pamphlet. Happy
thought : " Let us rush Thibet to the
front ; plead urgent necessity for authoris-
ing engagement of Sikhs (who have for
months been in the field) ; put off
Licensing Bill to soine indefinite day
next week ; perhaps in the meantime
may hit on compromise."
Doubtless no basis for this circum-
stantial rumour. But there it was,
important at least in its significance as
indicating the mood which SARK pictures
in his homely metaphor of the old lady
on the Piccadilly pavement.
Things one would like expressed
Otherwise.
Visitor (icho has accepted an invitation
to a local concert). Is it evening dress ?
Hostess. Oh, no; just as you are
dr.'sscd now or worse, if you have it.
Arnn. I'O, I'.MU.
IM'NCH, OK TIIK LONDON ( 'II A It I YARI.
THE WAR GAME, AND HOW IT IS PLAYED.
286
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 20, 1904.
OUR MR. JABBERJEE IN THE FAR EAST.
PRELIMINARY EDITORIAL NOTE.— As will be evident from our occasional
comments, we print our ingenuous Contributor's communication under
very considerable reserve.
I.
To In War-Correspondents' Compound,
Illustrious Editor of Tokyo, Japan.
London Punch. March 20, 1904.
Mv DEAR RESPECTED!
I am fully conscious that your two eyes will jut
out in sheer amazement on beholding above superscription
of my whereabouts. [ED. COMMENT.— .As the envelope bears
an ordinary Indian stamp and Calcutta postmark, it ivould
not be surprising if they did.] For it is sure as a gun
that the very Fates and Deities who superintended my
nativity did not for a moment anticipate that I was ever
to figure even indirectly as a bellicose !
And if my hard lines of Destiny have compelled me to cry
"Havoc!" and give the slip to pugnacious Dogs of War,
I can only plead (like the impecunious Mantuan pharma-
ceutic, who dispensed a fatal dose to Romeo while severely
afflicted by love-sickishness) it was my Poverty and not my
Will that, wheezing " I will ne'er consent ! " — consented !
I must make the dismal confession that, after presenting
my magnificent tragedy of Mr. Frankenstein in New York
City, it entirely failed (owing chiefly to excessive fire-alarms
and inclemency of dramatic season) to at all split the adder-
like ears of Transatlantic groundlings. In consequence all
my golden expectations of loaves and fishes incontinently
went to pot, and I was again on my beam-ends, without any
prospect of inducing same to meet !
But the darkest dawn has proverbially a silvered lining !
So, while still employed in busily bewailing my ill-fortunes,
I was infernally surprised by a reply-paid wire from hon'ble
Editor of the Chittagong Evening Conch, a highly respectable
local rag, [Eo. COM. — It MAY be — but ice have failed to find it
in any list of Anglo-Indian periodicals'] entreating me to
proceed sine die to Japan, in the capacity of Confidential
\Var-reporter !
My first instinct was to return ;i decided " Nolo Episco-
pari." However, both my better halves, with their appur-
tenant mothers, together with all of my offsprings who were
sufficiently precocious to articulate a lisp, did urge me so
vehemently that I was not to nill a responsible sinecure
which was infallibly to bring grist to their internal mills,
that I reluctantly consented to render myself holocaustic on
Family's Altar.
Not to risk becoming a prolix by chronicling such very
miniature beer as the humdrum incidents of a journey to
Japan, I will at once ask you to imagine myself disembarking
at the town of Tokyo. [Eo. COM. — We are doing our best.]
Now, after arrival, I expected of course to be at once politely
forwarded to the nearest local scene of carnage — but, hoity-
toity ! it turned out tout au contraire !
I found myself mewed up ignominiously, like pig in poke,
with sundry other correspondents of English, Scotch, Irish,
Welsh, American, and Continental nationalities without
being afforded the smallest facilities to exercise our cacoethes
scribendi !
My fellow colleagues partook of humble pie in this Castle
of Indolents with too, too pigeon-livered pusillanimity — but,
though no svvashbuckle, such indignities soon rendered me
cross as two sticks !
" Are we then mere cats, Misters ! " I demanded, with
fiery and garrulous umbrage, "that we are to be hood-
winked under the thumbs of such undersized Asiatics? Is
there no one here with common audacity to go as bellwether
to some official big-bug, with the categorical imperative that
we are to be permitted to witness at least a mediocre
skirmish?"
But all their tongues were tied by excessive sheepishness,
so, perceiving that I must work the oracle single-handed, I
undertook to buttonhole a certain military Sho-gun, a highly
influential old chap of the name of Hon'ble DAI ITCHI GINKO,
[Eo. COM. — It is also the name of a well-known Japanese
bank] who enjoys the title of an hereditary Daikon. T^D.
COM. — On referring to our Anglo-Japanese vocabulary, oe
find " Daikon " down as " a radish " — but of course it -uiAY
have another meaning.]
\ was received in very polite affable style by the said Sho-
gun, who was in his Hall of Audience, and luxuriously seated
upon a yebi, but wearing simply his national samisen.
[ED. COM. — Our vocabulary gives "yebi" = lobster, and
" samisen " = a Japanese banjo — but no matter!]
I have the honour to append my verbatim note of this
momentuous interview. [Eo. COM. — Can Mr. JABBERJEE,
while in New York, have seen a performance of " The
Darling of the Gods " f We merely ask.]
Sho-gun (with rather too fulsome Oriental obsequiousness).
Industrious diffuser of intelligence, I break my bones upon
you. Augustly deign to seat your highly-scented self on my
miserable mat. Do you eat happily and well, and how is
hon'ble health ?
Myself (adopting, as British Subject, a bluff, hearty Anglo-
Saxon deportment). Hon'ble health, old cock, is fit as a
fiddle. But, as official mouthing-piece of amalgamated Cosmo-
politan [feilow-war-reporters, I must beg to inform you that
we are getting hon'ble hump. We unanimously consider it
is high old time that we clapped our impercipient optics on
your hon'ble war-operations.
Sho-gun (fanning his bosom in effeminate fashion). Our
miserable little unimportant war is totally unworthy of your
hon'ble notices !
Myself (in wheedling accents'). Not at all — it is already
rendering several civilised hemispheres all agog with lively
curiosity.
Stio-gun (unable to restrain a pleased simper). But you
English have very nice war of your own — in Thibet. Why
do you not go and report that ?
Myself. Alas ! I am no Leviathan of filthy lucres that I
can possibly afford a ticket to Thibet ! Besides, hon'ble
SHO-CJUN", I and my poor unfortunate comrades are here on
the spot with orders to report progress — and how is it possible
to turn out so much as a single brick without some straw to
show the way of the wind ?
Sho-gun. We are hon'bly apprehensive lest hon'ble corre-
spondents should permit some rather unpropitious cat to leak
out of their hon'ble newsbags.
Myself. Surely, Polacious Sir, you are not so utterly obsolete
as to under-rate the sweet milk of a first-class advertisement ?
You cannot desire to perform all your heroisms in a hole and
corner! Believe me, hou'ble Stylograph is mightier than
hon'ble Sword, and it is sheer childishness to tuck up your
nose at the Power of Press.
Sho-gun. I miserably regret that I am unable to perceive
your hon'ble point.
Myself (significantly). If I am to be denied more bond fide
information, I might, perhaps, render a tit for a tat by cabling
crushing Japanese reverses and regrettable incidents to the
Chittagong Evening Conch.
Sho-gun (dissembling his fall of chaps). Pooh ! A mere
hon'ble native organism of very so-so circulation !
Myself (secretly surprised at extent of his information).
But I am here in additum as the accredited commissioner of
a far more notorious periodical— Hoii'ble London Punch!
_ Sho-gun (inhaling his breeze and prostrating head reveren-
tially on floor). Hon'bly excuse me for miserable ignorance !
I give you double bowings ! That renders it, of course, the
Antn. -'0, lltul.
I'CNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVARI.
287
totally different, ]>uir of shoes. I'nlor-
tunalelv. \\e li;i\e no \\ a r, u|> to date, in
our immediate localities, and I can only
abjectly entreat you to accept I his miser
able Tree pa.-s to a front seat of war in
Korean Continent.
Miixi'lf. I accept on condition tliat I
may take an assortment of my colleague-
c ipanions.
N/lO-j/i'iMKHnV/u;/'. Well, well. 1 can re
fi. ,e no favouritism to hon'ble representa-
tive of such ;i highly-renowned facet ion.-,.
Mifsi-lf t'ljiiin/jl I am most awfully
obliged, my dear old chap. I make my
little kowtow to yon. [Here I went.
It, is a superfluity to add that such an
unexpectedly felicitous success lias ac-
quired for me an immense kudos with
all my fellow-special-reporters. And I
am serenely confident, almighty Sir, that
you too will be immoderately gratified
by the great liberty I have taken in
sheltering my unworthy self under your
paternal ccgix. Also that you will per-
the nude necessity that the repre-
MMitative of so tip-top a periodical as
Punch must of course be figged out on
very superior footing to the mere corre-
spondent of the I '/littagong Conch!
I have the honour to report that
already I have incurred several out-of-
pocket expenditures — to wit: some
acrobatic opera-glasses, a field bedstead,
a colonial riding-saddle (the steed for
same I can perhaps procure with more
economy in Korea — but I may have to
take some preliminary equitation lessons
from some Japanese jobmaster or other).
Please kindly remit funds to provide for
same by next mail. [Eo. COM. — We
iliiiin/lit this was coming!] I am sending
I his under cover to be posted on, vld
India, as shortest overland route [Eo.
COM. — Ingenious, but a trifle thin !], and
all sinews of war, &c. are to be forwarded
to my registered address at the Burra
Bazar, Calcutta. They are thus far more
likely to come to hand than if despatched
direct to so outlandish a neighbourhood
as Korea. [En. COM. — Quite so!]
I shall not require more (at present)
than about rs. 500 — though an even
more moderate honorarium would not
be too scornfully rejected. In Japan the
rupee is called a " yen " — though of far,
lar less intrinsic value! Verb. sap. !!
In all human probability, the Chittagong
Conch would consent to go snacks with
you for my working expenses — but this
of course must lie matter of private
arrangement between you.
With lorn infinite thanks (in anticipa-
tion) to such, a benevolent and inimitable
blessed party! | ,„,,, Radiant Sir !
Your affectionate, beloved, genuine
and sincere Friend,
HUHHY BmraaHO JABHHUXE, H.A.
VOTK. — Wo are complying with Mr.
JlBBBBJBl'e modest request just to see
far lie intends to go.]
DRBS RURI.
["Possibly it may become the fashion fifty
years henco for jaded country people In conn-
to London for rest and quiet."— !•' rmn tin- IH--I
Presidential addrc»x to the Inxtitiitioit of
' .^nrri yore.]
j\M ANI>\, quit the rural lane,
And to the urban fastness fly ;
For there, shrieks never passing train,
Xor noisy motor hurtles by.
No more sad Philomel's lament
Lends music to the verdant copse;
Instead by hoots the air is rent,
That call the workers to the shops.
TWO FABLFS.
i.
<K<r. upon a timo Too Many-Cooks
spoilt the Broth. So the King sent for
Too-Many-Cooks, and when they had
arrived he tasted the Mrotli before them
"Bad broth, O Too Many-Cooks," said
the King; "try it."
The Too-Many-Cooks tried (lie Broth.
"Bad broth, 0 King," said thev
"veritably bad."
11 And whyfore?" inquired the King.
"Because we are Too-Many-Cooks,
answered they.
UNIMAGINATIVE.
Auntie. "Do Ton SEE "THE HAIR IN THIS OLD BROOCH, CYRIL? IT WAS TOCH GREAT-GRAND-
FATHER'S."
I'j/riZ. "I SAY, AUNTIE, HE DIDN'T HAVE sen it ! "
A grimy network of canals,
A tangle of electric wires,
Asylums, prisons, hospitals,-
Usurp the acres of our sires.
Ah, quit the busy haunts of Trade,
And fly to London's calm retreat,
Where 'neath the plane tree's grateful
shade
The public wealth provides a seat.
Here spacious streets and quiet slums
Shall give your shattered nerves repose,
Where scanty traffic softly hums,
And kindly Nature seems to doze.
Here we will mark the gradual Spring
And watch the Pelican at play ; —
St. James's Park — the very tiling!
AMXNKV, come to town, I say !
" Dear me, so you are," said the King.
" In which case what 's to be done ? "
" 0 King, live for nearly always ! "
replied the Too-Many-Cooks. " To a less
sagacious ruler than yourself it might
appear that the remedy lav in a decrease
of the number of cooks. But we beg to
suggest to your Sensible Majesty that a
pleasanter way outof the difficulty would
be to double the quantity of broth."
"Let it be as you suggest," said the
King.
Moral. — There are more ways of
killing a pig than three.
n.
Once upon a time Good Wine needed
no Bush. But that was a long time ago.
Advertise.
288
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
20, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
DURING his life it used to be lamented that Lord ACTON
•wrote so little. The marvel and the regret were the greater
because it was known, intimately by his friends, vaguely by
the public, that he knew so much. He
might have added precious things to Eng-
lish literature. He seriously, but too long,
contemplated writing The History of Li-
berty. It remained at his death " The
Madonna of the. Future," as Mrs. DREW,
appropriating the title of one of HK\RY
.1 \MF.S'S novels, wittily called it. However,
Lord Acrov for awhile held office as Lord-
iii-Waiting to the QI:KKN", one grim flash of
humour in a life which humour did not obtrusively illumi-
nate. The world is indebted to Mr. IIi'.iiisERT PAUL for giving
it The Letters of Lord Acton to Mary Gladstone (GEORGE ALLEN),
prefacing the 'volume with a scholarly biographical note.
Written without prospect of publication, they are the frank,
shrewd, commentary of a scholar and a man of affairs upon
current events, chiefly in English political affairs between
the years 1879 and the first month of 1886. Lord ACTON
doubtless went on writing throughout that troubled year,
which, as he predicted, in certain circumstances saw the
wreck of the Liberal Party. Writing on August 29, 1884,
he said, " The Home Rulers are going to be the arbiters of
Party government. That means ruin to the Liberal Party."
He lived to see fulfilment of his prophecy, brought about
through the agency of the statesman at whose feet he ever
sat, an admiring, affectionate disciple. His faithfulness unto
this last was testified to by his acceptance of office — the
grotesque position alluded to — in Mr. GI-ADSTONE'S last
Administration. The volume is full of interest. Not the
least informing passage is found in a note, transcription
of a page from what Lord ACTON calls " the precious
diary" of his correspondent. In this, recording a con-
versation at Hawarden under date November 15, 1881,
Mrs. DREW discloses Mr. GLADSTONE'S contemplation of retire-
ment— this at a period little more than twelve months after
he had been returned to power by an overwhelming majority.
My Baronite does not remember any rumour of the intention
reaching House of Commons circles at the time. It is in
its way tragic to find that in considering his successor in
the Leadership of the House of Commons, Mr. GLADSTONE
mentioned Sir CHARLES DILKE as " the man best fitted."
Were The Sanyasi, by Mrs. F. E. PENNY (CHATTO AND
W INDUS), considered only from one point of view, as a series
of scenes in Indian life, vividly and picturesquely described
in admirable word-painting, it would be a most interesting
work ; but when added to this there are, passing through
these scenes, strongly-marked characters, native and European,
actuated by various passions and motives, every one in his or
her own way working out a gradually and artistically developed
plot wherein comedy and tragedy intermingle, we find our-
selves becoming so absorbed in the doings of these individuals,
that we cannot lay aside the story until we know the very
worst, and the very best, that the authoress has pre-deter-
mined for them. The animated scene of the pearl-fishery
is exceptionally powerful, and would arrest our attention
apart from its bearing on the main incidents of the
tale, of which, thus deftly worked in, this pearl-fisher}' be-
comes an essential part. Fascinatingly realistic too is the
description of life in Madras. Miggle, the Indian butler, is,
to an untravelled European, a study of a novel character,
convincingly true and intensely humorous. The scene between
this faithful servitor, who is almost as devoted to the for-
bidden sport of cock-fighting as he is to his most respected
and business-like mistress, who will have none of it, is as
good comedy as anyone could wish. Indeed for " a reading,"
emphatically in this instance "A 'Penny' Reading," these
passages, if dramatically rendered, ought to be exceptionally
successful.
In Dwala (SMITH, ELDER) Mr. GEOIH;K CAI.DEROX has hit upon
a happy idea and - a wise man -he does not work it to death.
The story, brimful of fun and satire, is told in a small,
pleasantly printed volume. The hero is an old friend — the
Missing Link. Where the novelty comes in is in respect of
the adaptation of circumstances. The great ape is discovered
in Borneo, and is at the time of his introduction in the
company of Mr. Boiu\ the emissary of an American showman
in search of novelties. He lias found the Missing Link,
dresses him in the clothing of Western civilisation, loaches
him to talk and to perform household dniies. Wr. Bone, di
whom we see ta> little, is delightful. Best of all in a canvas
crowded with exaggerated types is the Missing Link itself,
"a thing of large majestic motions, eyes deep set under thick
eyebrows." Through what to average man would have been
an exciting career the great ape lounges with the serenity
that comes of ancient birth and innate good breeding. From
kingship of a neighbouring tribe to acceptance of the post
of the Prime Minister, with a seat in the House of Commons,
nothing comes amiss to him. Amid sordid self-seekers,
latest fruit of civilisation, the ape is in his simplicity and
single-mindedness the truest gentleman. My Baronite sus-
pects that was the lesson Mr. CALDERON sot himself to teach.
But he does not lot his moral run away with him and spoil
a pleasing tak1.
The Albert Gate Affair, by Louis TRACY (WAIID, LOCK & Co.),
is a cleverly devised story of a robbery, successfully carried
out in spite of all safeguards provided by ward, lock and co.,
the " co." in this particular instance being the police. The
romance is one after the manner of Sherlock Holmes and
Monsieur Leeocq. It is decidedly interesting, but only those
possessed of such mental gifts as would qualify them to
shine as criminal lawyers, detectives, or persevering solvers
of chess problems, can be expected to comprehend and
closely follow pursuers and pursued through the various
intricacies of their mysterious movements. The author is
gifted with a happy name for this kind of literature. He
should bring out Tracking Crime by TRACY.
THE
BARON
In The Tutor's Love Story (CONSTABLE & Co.), Mr.
WALTER FRITH, having selected the diary form for his
novel, has achieved success by means as simple as they
are artistic. In a few masterly touches you get the
diarist before you ; you proceed with him in his work,
his pleasure, and his trouble; and yet he is a man with
whom it is as difficult to sympathise as it is with the
conduct of the lady for whom he cherishes a secret
passion, and who, with equal sor-reev, is in love with
somebody else. The slight inci-
dental sketch of the "society
Irishman " Johnny Ball, only
lacks the complement of a talent
for singing comic Irish songs,
with the brogue turned on pretty
strong, and catching refrains, to
be perfect in its way. 'The Sta-
thams, artist and wife, are evi-
dently studies from originals.
It is a cleverly written and in-
teresting book, and, with the
exception of one incident, with-
out a note of sensational effect
from beginning to end.
B.-W,
A rim. L>7, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR T1IK LONDON CHARIVARI.
289
R. A. GEMS.
Fair Amateur (to Carpenter). "MY PICTURE is QUITE HIDDEN WITH THAT HORRID TICKET ON IT. CAS'T TOD FIX IT ON THE FRAME?"
Carpenter. " Win, YOU 'LI, SPOIL THE FRAME, MUM ! "
MR. PUNCH'S BUDGET.
IN order to meet future deficiencies
! the following sources of supply are
crying aloud for the attention of Mr.
i AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN or his successors : —
1. The Amount of Time wasted during
each Session by garrulous and obstruc-
tive Members of Parliament. — As the
i number of hours in the day is limited,
and public time is a national asset, an
Imposition of Five (luinoas per minute
(lieyond the first ten minutes) is re-
commended on all Speeches in either
House, to be paid by the Member so
offending. The Chancellor of the Ex-
i 'heipier, who will of necessity require
some hours for the introduction of his
M. in accordance with long-
ished usage, will have the satis-
faction of feeling that his remarks are
thus automatically reducing the deficit,
he same Imposition, in a descending
ale, to apply to members of the London
ounty Council, and all other repre-
entative bodies; also to Hyde Park
jrators.
2. Infants (up to the age of seventeen)
vlio have contracted the Cigarette Habit.
—A Duty, inversely increasing with the
years of the juvenile smoker and with
the price of the cigarettes, should result
in a large addition to the Revenue.
3. Bridge-players. — A nominal impost
of a penny on each game would go far
to relieve a Chancellor's embarrass-
ment.
4. Urban and suburban Dogs, Cats,
and Fowls.- — A tax of one halfpenny per
bark, mew, or crow (as the case may be)
between the hours of sunset and 8 A.M.
might be suggested. The supply
appears to be inexhaustible.
5. The British Climate. — An excise
duty of one farthing per gallon above
the mean daily rainfall in the United
Kingdom to be levied on the Clerk of
the Weather, the Meteorological Office,
or other parties responsible.
6. Spectators at Cricket and Football
Matches. — A Poll-tax of One Pound per
head per annum on all mere onlookers,
shouters, and referee-baiters should
prove a valuable item on the credit side
of the national ledger. Players of any
athletic game and persons who exercise
their own muscles to receive a bounty.
7. Circulars, Handbills and Prospect-
uses of all kinds. — These delightful
ingredients of the letter-box, the per-
sistent appeals for Cast-off Clothes, Old
Teeth, Coal and Washing Orders, Eye-
sight Tests, and similar reminders so
touchingly ignored, might be made to
bear a sixpenny stamp. As some mil-
lions are distributed daily in London
alone by seedy and doorstep-dirtying
individuals, we have here a means of
wiping off the National Debt, not to
mention the Deficit.
8. Hyde Park and St. James's Park.
— Now that the season has set in, and
these two fashionable open-air dormi-
tories are once more being extensively
patronised by the free-and-easy classes
who toil not neither do they wash,
ground-rents might be levied from the
temporary occupants of each patch of
grass and "all that messuage." Every
little helps, and the sum thus raised
could go towards the salary of part of
a policeman, or the pin-money of one
of the Parliamentary housemaids.
We are not quite clear as to the best
means whereby the above contributions
may be collected, butiare content to
leave such problems to experts.
P^ciT^i^^^^^S^Si
[Lines suited
atove title, from the pen .
popularity, the
£
immunity from control and
fat woman. The author of these
temporary loan of 1
WHAT guerdon of praise shall I give her,
What measure of thanks for her meed
Who comes to release and deliver
My soul in its uttermost need ;
Whose breath is the perfume of Parma
In seasons of dulness and drouth,
Who puts with imperative charm a
New song in my mouth P
I have sung (growing sadder and ^
Of JOSEPH, his ways and his works ,
I have carolled enough of the KAISER,
And more than he merits of .PERKS
1 have harped on Sir LEWIS (of Hades),
And drummed on a Laureate s vat,
But I never made lyrics to ladies
Whose foible was fat !
To the form that is elfin and fragile
And slightly defective of luag-
To the limbs that are lusty and agile
As is the opossum, when young,—
I have bowed, I have bent, as in duty,
Unnumbered and dolorous knees,
But my heart never burst for a beauty
Distinctly obese.
Yet here, I am told is a topic
Inviting the bibulous bard,
Like a well in the waste of a tropic
Whose price is as precious as nard ;
The report of that pearly oasis
Ah had I but earlier known,
I had sung long ago of her graces,
Sweet seventeen stone !
Though her figure be other than airy,
Though its u note " be the largeness of earth,
Yet her temper is that of a fairy
Addicted to methods ol mirth ;
Exuding a natural joyance
Her iests have an infinite scope,
And in bathing she bobs with the buoyance
Of Somebody's Soap.
Bv the calm of her weight that is welter
Immune from the menace of shock,
In her shade half a dozen may shelter
As under the lee of a rock ;
There is that in her mountainous motion,
A force elementally free,
Which recalls to a student of Ocean
The surge of the sea.
In the glow that her presence diffuses
She fares as a favourite guest ;
Her pyramidal structure excuses
What license would ruin the rest ;
Wo rivals, for Nature has built her
K Compact of the substance of ten,
Would suspect her of pounding a philtre
J For stealing their men-^ _ __
She is set with her face to the horses,
She flops in the roomiest chair,
And her bed, as a matter of course, is
A twin of the wonder of Ware
They allow her the lengthiest tether,
Her lines are in BENJAMIN s lot,
And she says what occurs to her, whether
They like it or not.
0 profuse and imposing and passive,
0 dame of the devious waist,
Whose circuit, amorphous and massive,
These arms could have never embraced,
You may puff, it is true like a porpoise,
And heave like a wallowing hulk,
Yet your heart is as big as your corpus,
Our Lady of Bulk !
IRRESPONSIBILITY.
good m parts. w ' J i( „ . h f fh t
sponsible comedy : it is good in pai
the "character parts," being superior to
moreover all the parts are capitally played
Mr. GKORGE ALEXANDER has chosen_ to represent
emulates the role of what Mr. .
a?" the Society clown." Such a part, Bupposing.it to have
been better written and in an altogether better piece, might
Eve been accepted at once by the public, had itl been played
bv that "chartered libertine" Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY.
yThe success of Dr. mil, of which character Mr. ALEXANDER
was the admirably merry exponent affords no precedent
nowadays the public only see in Mr. ALEXANDER the ^persona-
tor of some hero of romance, dashing, earnest, gay gallant ye
with subtle touches of cynical humour. His public will have
him in costume, and regret his return to modern twentieth
century everyday attire. ,.
Mils LILLVN BRAITHWAITE is a delightful hostess as Mr*.
Wendover; Miss ELINOR AICKIN is a somewhat tryingly vul
elderly Lady Diana; as Angela, her daughter, Miss BEATRICE
FORBES-ROBERTSON is a charming mgenue; as Miss <
loop and her friend Miss Skeat, Miss FRANCES WETHER ALL and
Miss ALICE BEET, both being fearfully and wonderfully mad
up are perfect ; and the neat handmaids Thompson am
Jams are rendered with natural grace by Miss CORISANDI
HVMILTON and Miss NELLA POWYS. As the colourless 1 robyn
Duke Mr. A. VANE-TEMPEST is very amusing, but it is a
thankless part. Mr. HIGNETT, as a didactic clergyman, tl
Rev. Lemuel Toop, gives us a decidedly clever sketch;
as the ridiculous idiot Stanley Pidding Mr. VIVIAN REYNO
makes a great deal out of poor material.
There is plenty of bustle in the piece: the action
with much laughter ; the sentimental portions, being with
heart and reality, are de trap; and, except the young gir
letter, cleverly read aloud by Miss AICKIN, the dia
which is on a very ordinary level, owes whatever succe
may obtain to its brisk delivery with emphasis and dis
bv the actors.
PUNCH, OR THF. LONDON CHARIVARI. -Apmr, 27, 1904.
EEIN'S WELCOME.
HE LOVES THE GREEN ISLE, AND HIS LOVE IS RECORDED
IN HEARTS WHICH HAVE SUFFERED TOO MUCH TO FORQET."
(Moore's Irish Melodies—" The Prince's Day.")
[His Majesty King EDWABD arrives in Ireland, Tuesday, April 26.]
APRIL 27, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
293
STRONGLY RECOMMENDED FROM HIS LAST PLACE.
Lady (engaging a page-boy). " WELL, HOW SOON ens YOU COME ? "
Page (readily). " AT ONCE, MUM."
Lady. "BUT SORELY YOUR PRESENT MISTRESS WON'T LIKE THAT/"
Page (briglitly). " OH YES, SHE WILL, MOM. SHE 'LL BE ONLY TOO GLAD TO GET RID OF ME ! "
LADY BABBLESDALE'S VISITS.
II. — CHATS WORTH .
WE paid our last visit to Chatsworth
early in April, 1904, travelling by the
Midland to Rowsley, where a large
motor -van was in readiness for my
trunks. The Panhard Victoria, how-
ever, only just held me, my two maids
and the chauffeur, so BABBLESDALE once
more had to pad the hoof. On this
occasion, however, I had provided him
with an Ordnance map, and felt no
anxiety about his missing_his way.
No incident marked our drive to
Chatsworth, except that, in passing
through the famous chestnut avenue
at Edensor, we nearly ran over Sir
M. E. (IRANI-DUFF, who was reading
his diary akmd to some of the oldest
inhabitants. The chauffeur " kept a
gallop for the avenue," and brought
us up in fine style at the main entrance,
where most of the house party were
picturesquely grouped in expectation
of our arrival. The Duke, in a brown
velvet lounge jacket, beamed a welcome
from
Marcella. He said he always preferred
dry to sweet wines, and wanted to know
had I seen Madame Sherry. From this
the talk diverged to the national taste
in wines. Sir M. E. GRANT-DUFF recalled
the top step; Mr. JOHN BURNS,
Mr. PERKS, Mr. HALDANE, Mr. ALFRED the fact that, in his youth, small botanic
LYTTELTON, ANDREW KIRKALDY, Madame i beer was commonly drunk at breakfast,
MELBA and Mr. C. B. FRY, greeted our | and related several appropriate anecdotes
arrival with manifest relief. I briefly ! of DARWIN, HOOKER, and BURTON, the
explained the cause of BABBLESDALE'S j author of the Anatomy of Melancholy.
non-arrival, and the Duke kindly dis- j Mr. PERKS drank only water, and we
patched his major-domo with a photo- 1 were all amused to see him take a
graph of SARGENT'S picture to identify sardine from the hors d'ozuvre tray and
him by. [ drop it in his glass. Being rallied upon
As I was passing through the hall this eccentricity by Madame MELBA,
Mr. PERKS called my attention to the he replied that he did it in order to be
striking resemblance which it bore to reminded of WESLEY and the Aquarium,
the Westminster Aquarium. The : He went on to say that since the
Duchess kindly showed me to my room, j Wesleyans had acquired the stately West-
and we met in the great picture gallery j minster pleasure dome, he had perfected
before dinner. The Duke took me in,
and the conversation soon became
himself in the favourite conjuring trick
of materialising bowls of gold fish out
general. I asked him if he liked of nothing. By means of diagrams he
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 27, 1904
explained to the Duchess the method b\
which the bowls are concealed in the
coat-tails of the prestidigitateur. Sir M
E. GRANT-DOFF was all the time writing
busily iinder the table.
BABBLESDALE, whose bump of locality
is not what it was, once again entirelj
missed his way, and did not reach the
dinner-table until the plovers' eggs were
all eaten. There was a look of anguish
on his face which in anybody else's
might almost have seemed out of pro-
portion to the occasion. Keener distress
could not have been shown for the dis-
appearance of a favourite shirt-stud.
During dessert the Duke complained
seriously of the thinness of modern
finger-glasses, and proved it to demon-
stration by the familiar musical experi-
ment of passing the hand round the
circumference. The Duke broke three
glasses before he was able to extract a
musical note.
The Duke said he doubted the value
of SCHOPENHAUER as a teacher, for he had
searched in vain through his works for
any recognition of the social value of
Bridge as a link between the classes and
the masses. Mr. HALDANE demurred to
this, but the general feeling of the table
was with the Duke, though Mr. PERKS
went so far as to say that he thought
working-men ought not to be encouraged
to play Bridge before mid-day. This
roused Mr. JOHN BURNS'S smouldering
indignation. " If an honest and intelli-
gent artisan," he exploded, " is not to be
allowed to imitate the least reprehensible
recreations of the aristocracy, what
becomes of the dignity of labour ? "
When the gentlemen rejoined us in
the great drawing-room, Mr. C. B. FRY
delighted the company by an exhibition
of parlour gymnastics, winding up with
a running jump over six Louis Quinze
chairs. The Duchess's face during this
last feat was a perfect study. A move
was then made to the music-room, and
Madame MELBA (who boasts of her
Scotch descent) and ANDREW KIRKALDY
charmed their hearers by a realistic
rendering of "We twa hae paidled in
the burn." The entertainments of the
evening were completed by Bridge.
BABBLESDALE only revoked once, and
wittily apologised to his partner — the
Duke — -by saying " Playing with you
made me think it was Nap."
We were all startled at breakfast by
an extraordinary occurrence. In the
midst of an impassioned discussion of
GOETHE and Wilhelm Melster, in which
Mr. HALDASE surpassed himself, BABBLES-
DALE was seen to pass the window. He
was so negligently dressed — his tie in
more than ordinary dishevelment — that
his attire, coupled with his ascetic linea-
ments, carried the honest socialistic heart
of Mr. JOHN BURNS, who had not been
introduced to BABBLESDALE the night
before, by storm. He rushed to thi
groaning sideboard and, seizing with
one hand the cold ham and with the other
a be'chamel capon, h« flung open tfo
window with his teeth and hurled the
dainties at what he conceived to be the
destitute rnentlicant. BABBLESDALE, whose
dexterity is proverbial, caught them ere
they fell, and with a ready smile pro-
mised that they should be conveyed to
the Buckhounds.
After breakfast Mr. LYTTELTON and
Mr. JOHN BURNS played Mr. C. B. FRI
and BABBLESDALE at single wicket on the
cocoa-nut matting pitch in the second
palm house. BABBLESDALE, who once, he
tells me, was no mean practitioner, seems
to have been out of form. However,
although he made no runs he broke
more panes of glass than all the others
put together.
Most of the next morning was agreeably
spent in those prehistoric peeps which
old photograph albums supply. Here
I discovered chubby, callow, bewhiskered
editions of the Colonial Secretary,
the present Prime Minister, and our
host in incredibly striped peg-top trou-
sers, and the tiniest of bowlers. I
must have made this remark aloud, for
Mr. LTITELTON remarked, "Not tinier
than BOBBY ABEL, I expect. He has
given up bowling now." On hearing
this, Sir MOUNTSTUART GRANT-DUFF was
beard to misquote dear MAT. ARNOLD :
" Ere the fleeting bon-mot fly,
Quick, thy tablets, Memory ! "
or "taiblets," as ANDREW KIRKALDY re-
minded me Wee Macgreegor would have
said.
By the way, owing to an unfortunate
slurring of consonants on the part of
,he Duke when making the initial intro-
duction, BABBLESDALE acquired the pain-
[ul impression that ANDREW KIRKALDY
was ANDREW CARNEGIE, the American
plutocrat. With his usual readiness to
put everyone at his ease, BABBLESDALE
iddressed to KIRKALDY several remarks
oearing upon the endowment of free
ibraries and the claims of democracy.
They never really got on to terms
until BABBLESDALE happened to mention
;he pleasure he had in driving with
;he CONYNGHAM GREENES in Switzerland.
KIRKALDY at once rejoined : " I 'm no
sure whit wey they drive in Switzerland,
out there 's no driving on the greens at
St. Andrews." With incredible swift-
ness of repartee, BABBLESDALE rejoined,
' How about green tee, then ? " At this
Sir MOUNTSTUART rushed from the apart-
ment to the conservatory, obviously in
search of a fountain pen.
Tea was more than usually comforting
hat afternoon, and the Duke, who
thvuys sleeps with a hop pillow, sat
down snugly at the table. As he
landed me the muffins, he said the
person who takes the top piece is as
self-denying as the man who chooses
the gizzard wing of a chicken.
After such company the life of London
was painfully exciting.
CHARIVARIA.
THE abolition of Mr. BRODRICK'S Army
Corps can scarcely have come as a sur-
prise. It will be remembered that, when
the ex-War Secretary introduced the
scheme to the House of Commons, Sir
HENRY CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN congratu-
lated him on it.
Father CREAGH, of Limerick, has statec
to an interviewer that, if his persecution
of the Jews in that town has a successful
outcome, he will, in his opinion, have
accomplished one good thing in his life
This ambition to accomplish one good
thing in his life is laudable, but it seems
rather hard on those who have been
chosen as the means to the end.
As the result of two recent actions in
the High Court, mothers-in-law through-
out the country are reported to be
adopting a truculent attitude, and wil]
require careful watching.
It is characteristic of the change that
has come over Anglo-French relations
that, although the little boy who was
found abandoned in Paris the other day
was dressed in a sailor suit, and a cap that
bore the inscription "H.M.S. Powerful,"
tie was not arrested as a spy.
A great sense of relief was experienced
lere on the 16th iust. by the publication
of a telegram from New Zealand stating
;hat Mr. SEDDON considered the Anglo-
French Agreement satisfactory.
The over-feeding of infants has been
responsible for so many deaths recently
that it is proposed to legislate with a
view to making it compulsory for every
child to be marked with a load-line corre-
sponding to the Plimsoll mark on ships.
By the by, greedy little boys will be
nterested to hear that in "Greece a
' Swallow Feast " is held once a year.
The agitation in favour of "Clean
Hilk" is already bearing fruit. But
care must be taken to see that the water
ised for this purpose is first thoroughly
iltered.
THE Rev. R. J. CAMPBELL, of the City
Temple, who has just gone over to
lorne (vld Mt. Cenis), spoke recently on
he subject of the new Education Act,
md declared that "Nonconformists are
lot prepared to give the Liberal Party a
jlank cheque." We think the epithet
egrettable as coming from a minister.
APRIL 27, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
295
The Rouge Trade has
received a nasty blow.
The Commissioner of
Police at Johannesburg
has issued an order that
in future no coloured
person is to be al-
lowed to use the side-
walks of the streets of
that town.
On the occasion of
the introduction of the
Licensing Bill, Mr .LLOTD-
GEOROE made a violent
personal attack upon
Mr. BALFOUR. On being
called to order by the
Speaker, Mr. LLOYD-
GEORGE declared — what
we have frequently
hoped to be the case —
that he must not be
taken to mean what he
said.
Is the Government
really anxious to pro-
mote the cause of tem-
perance ? It is true that
the Licensing Bill has
been introduced, but, at
the same time, many
inebriates who are
anxious to reform their
habits declare that the
Budget makes it impos-
sible for them to turn
over a new tea-leaf.
An American million-
aire has been explaining
the secret of his success.
In a nutshell it is this :
Look after the pence —
and you will become a
Copper King.
A number of artists
have written to the
Press to complain of the
unjustifiable rejection
of I heir masterpieces by
the Royal Academy, ft.
\vi >iild be a good revenge
if they were to re f ruin
In mi sending any more.
Tlic current number
of tilt- I'nll. M,,ll. M,,,,,,-
ziiir contains an article
on Physical Culture for
Women. The introduc-
tory section is headed
"Looking Backwards."
This is surely the
mildest form of athletics
that has ever been sug-
gested.
A SERIOUS DECISION.
Beatrix aged six, after remaining in deep thought for quite two minutes, addresses her moOier, tr/io
een choosing frocks for her). " MOMMY, DEAR, . . . BEFORE YOU BUT THE FROCKS, I'VE THOUGHT IT ALL OVER,
has teen
AND I ranre I'D RATHER SB A EOT."
296
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 27, 1904.
OUR MR. JABBERJEE IN THE FAR EAST.
n.
EDITORIAL NOTE. — It is only due to our Readers to repeat that we are
very far from satisfied that our Correspondent's account of himself can
be depended upon — or even that he is at the front at all.
In Japanese Headquarters with
Horible. Col. Kluikimono, Korea.
(Precise locality suppressed by Censorship Regulations.)
April 1.
AFTER a somewhat tempestuous transit as the Bird of
Passage on Japanese transport-junk Shiiribun, I am now
deposited with all my paraphernalias in the Hermetically-
sealed Kingdom of Morning Qualm. I have been attached
to a flying column personally conducted by a rather diminu-
tive but dashing commanding officer, viz., Honble. Col.
KHAKIMONO, who is ably seconded by his honble. and gallant
friend, Major NETSUKE.
Korea has already succeeded in winning my golden
opinions. Possessing same latitude and longitude as Italy,
the climate . . . [Eo. COM. — The next few sentences, which
seem to "have, been industriously paraphrased from some work
of reference, are omitted.] ... It is also the happy hunting-
field for carnivorous faunas — tigers, leopards, bears, caymen,
deer, otters, et hoc genus omne being plenty as black-
berries.
When not too engrossed in describing horrors of war, I
shall make best endeavours to secure a skin or two, which
I beg you will do me the honour of accepting as Office
hearth-mats and door-rugs.
As, by official order, all war-reporters are required to sport
proprietorial badges, one of my arms has necessarily been
ticketed " Conch " — but you will, I humbly think, be pleased
to learn that it is my right arm which is branded, in Japanese
characters, with the proud title of "Punch." [ED. COM. —
Most gratifying .'J
So conspicuous a stigma has very naturally rendered me
a jaundiced eyesore with my fellow-reporters who correspond
for less humorous contemporaries, but I am too thick-skinned
to heed the malicious buzzings of such paltry flies in my
pomatum.
The Korean aborigines cut highly ludicrous figures of fun
in immoderately tall broad-brimmed hats, composed of horse-
hairs and fastened under their chops with ribbons and bows,
like antiquated British spinsters, and it is not possible to
encounter them without giving vent to uncontrollable
cachinnations.
However, they are highly polite, peace-loving parties,
though incredibly bashful and timorous.
I am setting up a stud, having become the sole proprietor
of a small but very lusty secondhand crock of piebald com-
plexion, for the rather moderate price of yens 25 (about
£2 10s.). This, being a necessary, you will kindly allow as
working expenses. I have not baptised him as yet with
any nom de plume, and you must not take it in snuff if I
should not decide to name him after your illustrious self,
since he is scarcely deserving at present of so good-humoured
a god-parent.
For he is of such an excessively noli me tangere tempera-
ment that it is not possible to venture my person within his
sphere of influence except under penalty of receiving some
shocking kick ! One of these has severely dilapidated a
rather valuable gold-rimmed nose-pinch, and compelled me
to purchase a pair of native Korean goggles as a pis aller.
Although I can only nurture a slender hope that your
paternal generosity will decree me compensation for damages
which (perhaps) do not strictly come under 'heading of
" ordinary wear and tear," I may be allowed to mention that
a similar nose-pinch could not be purchased in Calcutta at
all under rs. 15.
You can readily suppose that, until the ferocity of my
aforesaid pony has abated, I am reduced to ride entirely at
anchor, and cannot be expected to scour the surrounding
sceneries in pursuit of tit-bits of information.
However, I am far from being a mere dolce far niente, and
it is invariably the still sow, according to the proverb, that
takes in most of the pigs' washing. Accordingly I have
already wormed myself into the good books of Colonel
KHAKIMONO, who imparts to me many important military
secrets which he preserves with the snugness of wax from
ordinary journalists.
For example, he has whispered, in strictest privacy, his
expert opinion that, should some irresistible Japanese force
encounter any invincible Eussian army-corps, there will
infallibly result a somewhat severe snip-snap. This you may
regard as official.
With excusable national partiality he foregoes the con-
clusion that he is triumphantly to emerge on top. But,
although I refrain from clouding his cocksecurity by any
doleful vaticinations, I am wholly unable to believe that
it will be mere child's play for even the pluckiest pigmies to
succumb these Colossians of the North.
At present the enemy is reported to be retiring into his
own interior with seven-league boots, but I have the shrewd
suspicion that this is a trick to entice us into chasing a wild
goose.
So I have exhorted Col. KHAKIMONO that he is on no
account to make such a faux pas as Honble. BONAPARTE, by
pursuing so wily a foe as far as the metropolis of Moscow,
since he woiild probably soon find himself out in the cold
owing to some treacherous incendiarisms.
I am proud to say that my honble. friend has promised to
follow these counsels of perfection.
It is a popular fallacy (as I am cabling the Chittagonc/
Conch) to imagine that Japanese soldieries are rigged up in
old-fashioned panoplies, or that their field-pieces are fashioned
to resemble dragons and the like. On the contrary, they
all carry muskets which, though home-made, are far superior
to any Indian matchlocks. Whether they are as proficient
potshots as Russian marksmen, I am not as yet in a position
to say.
As for the cavalry, they have scarcely the firm seats of
ancient Centaurs, and indeed are by no means even such
practical jockeys as our native Sikh horsesoldiers.
Nor can I entirely commend the Japanese custom of
warbling national ditties when engaged in combat ; whether
this is done to terrorise the enemy, or simply as a preventive
against funkiness.
For it is not possible to sing and shoot simultaneously
with equal correctness, while it is also mere waste of valuable
wind, since no song will reach the heart with the celerity or
certainty of a bullet.
However, it is not for this unassuming self to dictate to
the Goddess of War as to whom she is to award her apple of
Discord.
The National Religion of Korea consists in the worship
of Ancestors, but, for the convenience of parties who may
not possess such articles, and who would otherwise be
reduced to Atheism, it is permissible to venerate any local
demon.
This I learnt from a certain Bonze whose acquaintance I
have recently scraped. For, on presenting him, as my letters
of marque, with a back number of your salubrious periodical, I
discovered that, though constitutionally incompetent to under-
stand anv Western waggery, he nevertheless received it with
profound awe as a kind of sacred shastra, to which he com-
manded his disciples to do poojah. And I myself, being able
(after a fashion) to expound the inner meanings of the
APRIL 1'7, UK) 1.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
L'97
Lady Visitor (to old parishioner). " WELL, MR. HUGGINS, AND HAS THE NCBSE BEEN TO BEE TOD TET ? "
Old Parishioner. " YES, MUM, THANK 'EE. SHE 's CALLED ONCE, AN' DONE MY FOOT MORE GOOD THAN ALL THE IMPRECATIONS I 'TE EVER TSED! "
cartoon pictures, am now in no small repute as a Sancti-
monious. My friend the Bonze, a very honest childlike old
chap, has made the rather ingenious suggestion that it might
he feasible to dedicate a small mountain shrine to your
Honour's lordship, with appropriate idol, faithfully copied in
local colours from your paper's frontispiece. It appears that
a neighbouring devil, owing to being ordered abroad on
active service, would be willing to dispose of his shrine,
goodwill, &c., for a mere song or mess of pottage.
This, I am fully aware, is the rank piece of superstition.
Nevertheless, it might be worthy of your while to think it
over as a business proposal, since all converts would of
ooniae be required to become regular subscribers. I think
I could undertake to do the trick for (shall we say ?) yen 200
—or, as it is penny wisdom and pound folly to attempt to burn
your ships with a haporth of tar, why not have the effigy
life-sized and splendidly gilded? This would be a very
small extra item in the estimate, and, with best quality
gilding, will indubitably be aere perennius.
I am anxiously awaiting your honoured instructions.
H. B. J.
[En. XOTE.— We nre letting Mr. JABBERJEE know oar private opinion
of this suggestion.]
OPERA OPERANDA.
ON Monday, May 2, take place the Two " Great Events."
The Royal Academy opens its doors by day to the public at
the small charge of a shilling a head, that is at the rate of six-
pence an eye, and the Royal Opera, Covent Garden, by night
opens its doors to all and sundry at prices varying inversely
as the lowliness and loftiness of the purchaser's position in
the house. Again we have M. MESSAGER, of the Messageries
Musicales, as Manager for "the Grand Opera Syndicate."
while, as heretofore in the satisfactory past, Secretary NEIL
FORSYTE is to control " the business department." No pleasure
without business : the greater the pleasure, the better the
" business done." " Special performances " of certain operas
(nothing uncertain is worth mention) named in the list, are
to be given " unthout cuts." Mr. Punch begs to state, for the
benefit of all concerned, that for his part (a very strong one in
every opera) he hopes to give from time to time some account
of these same special operas " with cuts," otherwise "illustra-
tions," forming a part of his " Operatic Notes," which will,
by reproducing the lineaments of singers, musicians, and
operatic persons generally, present some features of interest
to the general public. Of what surprises may be in store for
Opera-goers, no foresight, nor FORSYTH, can assure us.
298
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 27, 1904.
QUITE ANOTHER STORY.
E.A. (who lias engaged Chelsea Pensioner as^model, looking forward with interest to stirring narrative of Battlefield where he was
disabled). " AND WHERE DID TOO LOSE VODB LEG ? "
Veteran "RocND THE CORNER, SIR, AT MRS. WEMBLEY'S. Yon BEE, WHEN I LEFT OFF SOLDIERING, I WENT WTO THE FCBNITURE BUSINEI
AS CARMAN. UNLOADING VAN, PIANNER FELL ON MY LEG AND BROKE IT. THEN I GOT INTO THE 'ORSPITAL." \_R.A. gloomily continues pain
THE FLY IN THE OINTMENT.
WHEN urchin voices wake the street,
Pushing the sale of " all the winner,"
And toil-worn City men retreat
From stocks and shares to rest and
dinner,
And Sol assigns the aerial heights
To Luna and her satellites,
I only at that cherished hour
Retain no sense of exultation ;
For me no sweet suburban bower
Abuts upon the railway station :
No offspring welcomes me with kisses —
Chiefly because I have no Mrs.
For me beside the fender bulge
No large and languorous carpet-
slippers ;
No aromatic airs divulge
The savoury mess of new-laid kippers ;
No soul-reviving pint of Beaune
Lends the repast a giddy tone.
For I am of the luckless band
Who, when sweet ease invites their
neighbours,
Still find, aggressively on hand,
The subject of their arduous labours ;
Whose daily task is still to do,
Long after other folks are through.
Briefly, I am upon the Stage
Where oft provincial maids and men
mark
The easy verve with which I gauge
The feelings of the Prince of Den-
mark ;
It makes the artless rustic weep
In places where the Drama's cheap.
But here in Town my tedious art,
The common lot of all who plod, is
To trifle with a thinking part,
Or even " outside shouts, and bodies."
To play a lifelike corpse, observe,
Requires intelligence and nerve.
Nightly for quite a paltry sum
I entertain my fellow creatures
By putting greasy paints and gum
On what are really classic features,
And striving freely to amaze
The well-dined Public's torpid gaze.
Ay, there 's the rub : it 's not the waste
Of intellect that 's so distressing ;
And managers devoid of taste
Must be put up with, though depress-
ing;
[t 's not that life leaves much to seek
[n London on a pound a week.
It isn't that the hours are late,
The dressing-rooms extremely grimy
That supers all expectorate
And usually say " gorblimey " ;
It is because I 'm always fated
To have my meal-times dislocated.
What I persistently deplore
Is eating breakfast at eleven,
And wrestling with a meal at four
That others have at half-past seven.
Food at such times may stay one's inner
Pangs, but it really isn't dinner !
And, long accustomed though I am,
It stirs my self-respect profoundly
To find myself consuming ham
When other folks are sleeping soundly
So late it hardly seems refined
To swallow food of any kind.
0 how I long to dine once more
When other folks are also feeding ;
And having dined to sit and snore
The solid hours away unheeding,
Nor care a cent how Chronos plies his
Hour-glass or when the curtain rises.
ri'XCII, OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI. Ami, i'7, l!)i)l.
"HITTING THE HAPPY MEAN."
LICENSING BILL. "OH! MY FRIENDS! MY FRIENDS! DON'T HIT ME ! I COME BETWEEN
YOU AS A PEACEMAKER!"
APRIL 27, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
301
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
IAIHACTKII FROM THE HIAIIV »K Tuisy, M.P.
House of Common*, Monday, April
18. Lord DcSEXnW, I >ln x<' with Biarrit/,
put up with the placid pleasures of I'au.
bethought him of the place 1<> spend a
hapiiy day. Not Kosherville, lint, the
House of Commons with Irish debate to
the fore. Kcmeinbers days of old when
i'\ii\i:i.i. was in his prime, with JOKY B.'s
broad smile beaming over expansive
imitation sealskin waistcoat girt with
massive gold chain fashioned like a
ship's cable. Wit sometimes ; always
humour, if cx-casionally of Donny brook
Fair order. Certainly movement, tire,
possibly an explosion.
Looking down to-day from Peers'
(Jallery. I >i \u\VKK finds NANNETTI on his
legs, making dull speech of prodigious
l.'ii-th on subject of Primary Education in
1 reland. Also O'DoNXELL— not him of the
is, who, nigh thirty years ago, used
to rise from this very seat and stir up
the Saxon. This is O'DoBOTXL of Kerry
West , a national school-teacher. None the
worse for that. But alack ! so long in
getting to what he thinks he wants to say.
In due course, in place of PiKMSLL with
liis tall, slim figure, his keenly cut
intellectual face, his icy manner and his
biting sentences, comes portly JOHN
HI-:I>\IO\I>. ornate, oracular, overbearing.
" I warn the right lion, gentleman,"
lie said, shaking a fat forefinger at
\V\\nn\M yawning on the Treasury
Bench, " we will not tolerate the creation
of a new Castle Board."
Terribly severe JOHN looks as he hurls
this threat amid a pom-pom of cheers
from SWIFT MAcNEiix. WYXDHAM has
been warned so often in the same hass
voice with identical gesture that, like the
eel inured by repetition to what to begin
with was a "painful process, he doesn't
mind it.
"This is O'D-nn-11 of Kerry West."
irc Ot.n " MA!TRE D'ARMES."
" By Jove, he '11 do ! "
As for PRINCE ARTHUR, he knows
nothing of this new submarine destroyer
launched against an often-threatened
Ministry. He hurried off after questions,
as indeed did the vast majority of Mem-
bers present at that hour. The sitting
is being wasted in long speeches manu-
factured at Westminster for currency in
Ireland. Personally he does not com-
plain of the persistence of the Irish
Members in marking (with Melancholy)
the sitting as their own. Indeed, by so
doing, they relieve him from embarrass-
ment. But for their insistence the day
might have been utilised for introduc-
tion of the Licensing Bill, that Barme-
cide feast at the Ministerial table. Ever
since Session opened this particular dish
has appeared on the menu. Whenever
Schacabac — represented by C.-B. — has
sat himself down, lifted the cover with
anticipatory gusto, behold the dish was
empty.
" Another day ; some day next week,"
says BARMECIDE BALFOUR.
Positively announced for last Tuesday.
Guests assembled hungry, not to say
thirsty. BARMECIDE suddenly discovered
there was another dish must be taken
first. Thibet displaced the Licensing
Bill on the only available day of last
week. But here is Monday, set down
for what is humorously called " getting
the SPEAKER out of the Chair," on the
Civil Service Estimates. No urgent
necessity in point of time. Gymnastic
operation could be accomplished equally
well on Wednesday.
But the Irish Members have prepared
the speeches aforesaid. The Harp that
once through Tara's halls not been
thrummed for at least three weeks.
Promise extorted from PRINCE ARTHUR that
to-day (Monday) should be appropriated
for the performance. Had PAKNELL still
been to the fore he would, with poignant
courtesy, have released the belated
PREMIER from his pledge, and pressed
on his acceptance Monday for the pur-
poses of a Bill over which the Cabinet
still wrangled. PARNELL'S successor
blunders into threat of what will happen
if their Monday is taken away from Irish
Members. PRINCE AJITHUR, with a sigh of
relief, says if things are put in that way
he really must keep his pledge. So the
difficulty is evaded; days of. grace ex-
tended to Wednesday, when in some
form or other the dish will be ready,
and Schacabac will have chance of gorg-
ing himself.
Odd thing about complicated busi-
ness is that when the long-delayed
delicacy is at length actually placed
on the table there is no one more sure
to regret its appearance, criticise its
composition, than the erstwhile impor-
tunate Schacabac. Meanwhile here is an
302
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 27, 1904.
afternoon wasted that NANNETTI and
D'DoNNELL may make speeches, each an
lour long, and REDMOND aine may wag
\ truculent forefinger at an indifferent
Chief Secretary.
Business done. — Chiefly talk.
Tuesday night. — It is eleven years last
February since AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN,
engaging a four-wheeled cab, bade the
driver take the New Cut on his way
to the House, and at one of its many
emporiums freighted the vehicle with
top hats that had seen better days.
Hurrying on to the House he planted
them out on the benches below the
Gangway just as if they were cabbages.
By these means secured priority of
place for what in those days were called
Dissentient Liberals.
A great deal has happened since
then. To-day the still-young Member
has come to be Chancellor of the Ex-
chequer. Seizes earliest opportunity
to reward the care and loving-kindness
of his parent by increasing taxation on
his cigars.
Rarely since that February day when
Mr. G. expounded his second Home
Rule Bill has House been so crowded.
Four ex-Chancellors of the Exchequer
sat at the feet of GAMALIEL from High-
bury. JOKIM peered down from Gallery
over the clock. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD-CUM-
NUNEIIAM reflectively stroked his chin as
he looked across the Table at our new
Financial Minister and, like King GEORGE
with the apple in the dumpling, won-
dered how the — well, how he got there.
From his place of exile below the Gang-
way RITCHIE loomed large. Above it sat
ST. MICHAEL in the unseen company of
All Angels. Just below RITCHIE, under
the lee of his new leader, HARRY CHAPLIN,
was DON JOSE, bronzed with foreign
travel, all unconscious at the moment
of the little surprise AUSTEN had in
store for him in the matter of cigars.
An exceptionally embarrassing position
for the debut of a CHANCELLOR OF THE
EXCHEQUER. Hard enough for one o\
modest mien to face this crowded House ;
harder still to meet deficit approaching
five millions sterling. All very well for
JOKIM, at the period when GRANTJOLPI
"forgot" him, to come into the accus-
tomed heritage of a surplus, legacy o:
a Liberal Government. It was AUSTEN'S
fate to reach the Treasury after nine
years (if continuous Conservative adminis-
tration, and that, as RUDYARD KIPLING
used to say, is another story.
He fronted the ordeal courageously
neither forward nor affrighted. Made no
effort to emulate the eloquence of Mr. G.
the learning of Mr. LOWE, or the epigrams
of the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. In language
unadorned he lucidly explained his
purpose, adding to the gratitude of th<
audience by the comparative brevity o
his discourse. Only time he falterec
vas in view of the painful scene between
hose eminent tea-dealers, Messrs. LOUGH
.nd KEARLEY, when they heard about the
uppence extra duty on tea. As they
onvulsively clasped hands their sobs
illed the tear-dimmed House.
Said Mr. LOUGH to Mr. KEARLEY,
" Tis of the Poor I 'm thinking merely."
To Mr. LOUGH said Mr. K.,
" Yes ; 1 was thinking we '11 make 'em pay."
AUSTEN generously dropped a tear into
in imaginary tea-cup, and passed on to
•xplain the intricacies of stripped
obacco.
Business done. — Budget brought in.
A TOUCHING SCENE ; OR, TUPPENCE ON TEA.
Emitient Tea-dealers (together). " My poor
dear friend! (sniff). To think that it should
come to this ! " [Retire sobbing.
Wednesday. — The Licensing Bill at
last ! No longer a Barmecide invention ;
a substantial joint more or less succu-
lent. AKERS-DOUGLASJ recovered from
depression born of days when he was
locum tenens of the absent Leader,
carries the dish round shoulder high,
for inspection of guests.
As foretold, Schacabac inappeasable ;
will have nothing to do with the Bill for
which he of late cried aloud. "I can-
not," he said, "promise anything but
the most strenuous opposition at every
stage."
Funnier still attitude and position oJ
WILFRID LAWSON and WHITTAKER. Up to
moment when Home Secretary, standing
at Table, expounded his Bill, no one
knew what it contained. As mere
matter of fact its actuality is a surprise
In anticipation of debate WILFRID LAWSOIS
had fairly written out some jokes con-
demnatory of the Bill as his imaginatioi
pictured it. Similarly WHITTAKER in the
seclusion of his study had with saini
design drafted a new Almanack. Am
here was the provoking Home Secretary
bringing in quite another Bill.
That, however, an immaterial detail
WILFRID worked off his jokes and
WHITTAKER read pages from his Almanack
just as if the Bill had been what they
imagined, not what habile Ministers
endeavouring to walk on both sides o:
the road at the same time, had drafted.
Business done. -- Licensing Bil
brought in.
THE LADIES' COLUMN.
ABOUT TOWN.
SEVERAL ladies have chosen this week
br taking walks. As I was popping
down Bond Street a few days ago I
nearly ran into sweet Lady B., who was
Iressed in the softest brown, with a dear
ittle robin redbreast perched lovingly in
ler toque, which was a veritable dernier
cri. There is a beautiful story in con-
nection with the little dickey, as Lady B.
jelieves that it is the same little
'eathered darling she used to feed with
Tiimbs on her window-sill last winter !
it is such a joy to her tender heart to
'eel that her little pensioner will now
never be parted from his benefactress —
while the toque lasts.
A few minutes later, while I was
returning the Countess of A.'s bow, I
caught my foot in the marabout of one
of our most unconventional and witty
American visitors, who is, by the way,
;he heroine of the following delightful
[ittle story. While staying at a country
liouse, not a hundred miles from a
«rtain little white village with red
roofs, the house party was taken to a
local flower show. At dinner that
ivening, charming Miss X., who was a
member of the party, was asked by her
partner if she took an interest in
gardening. " I guess I 'm only interested
in strawberry leaves ! " was the witty
answer.
BOOKS TO MATCH ALL DRESSES.
All lovers of literature will be delighted
to hear that Miss CUMBERLAND SMITH'S
latest work, Chained by Circumstance,
is to be issued in tooled green leather to
match the dainty little belts which are
being shown this week by Mr. PETER
JAY. This book would look particularly
well with a white satin Liberty robe, a
stole of Indian work, and the hair
coiffured in the mode retrousse, which
is now, we are glad to see, once more
with us.
Another little gem for book lovers is
certainly Lady M.'s wonderfully realistic
Revelations of Revolt, bound in crimson
and black. 'No brunette should be
without it. To go with this beautiful
volume we should strongly recommend
a simple Kinjiiro costume of crimson
panne, with deep frills of accordion-
pleated white chiffon, edged with black
melting, with sprays of crimson chrysan-
themums falling to the feet.
CITY AKD SUBURBAN NOTE LAST WEEK.—
" Dean Swift " wasn't quite up to his
name. At all events the Dean wasn't
Swift enough, as he only came in second,
with Robert le Diable in front of him !
The very deuce ! and this race wasn't
to the Swift.
APRIL 27, 1904.]
1TNCH, Oil T1IK LONDON CIIAIMV Mil.
303
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304
PUNCH, OR TPIE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 27, 1904.
A FREE CONVERSATION.
THE Daily Chronicle, of April 15,
stated that " The reception of Mr. HENRY
NORMAN, M.P., by the TSAR . . . was of
an entirely private character, for Mr.
NORMAN was not introduced by our Am-
bassador or by any official personage,
and the audience, which lasted over half
an hour . . . was conducted, by His
Majesty's wish, with complete freedom
of speech on either side. The TSAR
began by saying that he had read Mr.
NORMAN'S book, kept it in his private
library, and found it the best and fairest
account in English of his own country.
Of course, Mr. NORMAN does not intend
to publish this interesting conversation."
Mr. Punch thoroughly appreciates the
nice instinct for reticence shown by
Mr. NORMAN in respect to the details
of his Imperial interview ; and, if the
facts have nevertheless leaked out, the
public must draw its own conclusions
as to the system of key-hole intrigue
that obtains in the TSAR'S immediate
entourage.
SCENE — The, TSAE'S Library.
DRAMATIS PERSONS:
Mr. Henry Norman, M.P.
Nicholas II., Emperor of Russia.
Nicholas II. I have read your book.
I keep it in my private library. I find
it the best and fairest account yet written
in English of my own country.
Henry Norman. Ha !
N. II. I like Wee Macgreegor too.
And did you read that very ingenious
feuilleton in the Daily Mail, called
" Mr. Smith, of England " ?
H. N. I read the Chronicle —
N. II. What a pity you missed that !
The author is a Mr. ANDREW LORING.
Now, if only he would call upon me !
H. N. I doubt if he is a publicist.
N. II. That is what I meant. Is
there not a bill now interesting your
House of Commons on the proper regu-
lation and control of publicists ?
H. N. Publicans, I think your Majesty
must mean.
N. II. Very likely. These nuances
of a foreign tongue take so much learn-
ing.
H. N. The Far East—
N. II. By the way, what horse-power
is your motor-car? I understand you
are one of the pioneers of the new loco-
motion.
H. N. Assuredly. I don't think the
World's Work could go on without
motors.
N. II. This is very interesting about
the "ashes." It created a profound
impression at our Court when the
news of their recovery reached us.
It is a great thing to be an athletic
nation. I suppose you know Mr. FRY,
C.B. ?
H. N. Intimately. We are fellow
Editors.
N. II. I was wondering if he could
be tempted to settle here for a while
and introduce cricket among my mou-
jiks.
H. N. The claims of the English
season are very exacting.
N. II. Ah, well, it was only an idea
of mine, peihaps Quixotic.
H. N. There has always been a Quix-
otic strain in the Romanoffs.
N. II. Yes, indeed.
H. N. Japan ?
N. II. Oh, by the way, is the interest
in London in Russian music still what
it was ? We look upon your great con-
ductor Mr. HENRY J. TREE as one of the
best of the English friends of Russia.
H. N- Not HENRY J. TREE, your
Majesty; HENRY J. WOOD. Perhaps a
not unnatural confusion. We have a
TREE too, an actor. He played in an
adaptation of TOLSTOI'S novel Resur-
rection.
N. II. Ah, yes. How foolish to con-
fuse the names. But I often do not feel
sure of them. Let me see, you are Sir
ALFRED HAHMSWORTH, are you not ?
H. N. No, your Majesty ; Mr. HENRY
NORMAN, M.P.
N. II. Tut, tut, how gauche of me !
Mr. NORMAN, of course. You have been
here before, have you not ?
H. N. I am esteemed in England
greatly on account of my intimacy with
your Majesty.
N. II. Quite right, quite right. And
what was the purpose of the present
visit ?
H. N. A few words on the situation,
your Majesty.
N. II. The situation ? Ah, yes. Charm-
ing, is it not? The view from this
window always seems to me exception-
ally fortunate. And now I must say
Good-bye. [Interview closes.
TMMEDIATELY, detached country or seaside
•!• cottage, with accommodation for six fowls ;
two sitting, three or four bed-rooms ; con-
venient to Roman Catholic Church.
The above, appearing in a weekly
lady's paper, shows the status to which
the barn-door fowl is rising. The two
sitting-rooms are of course euphemistic
for the nests, and perches now take the
more refined designation of bedrooms.
But why " convenient to Roman Catholic
Church"? Surely where Brahmas or
Cochin Chinas are concerned a Temple
to Vishnu, Siva, or Buddha would be
more in keeping.
"AH," sighed the rejected and de-
jected author, as he glanced at the
betting list in a sporting paper, " I wish
I could say this of my manuscripts —
' Offered and taken.' "
CONSOLATIONS FOR THE UNHUNG.
Now that the painful month of sus
pense in Studioland is at an end, i
behoves us to apply our most soothin,
embrocation to the wounded feeling
of geniuses whose works have boomer
anged their way back from Burlingto:
House. Let them remember :
That very few people really look a
the pictures in the Academy — they onlj
go to meet their friends, or to say the'
have been there.
That those who do examine the work
of art are wont to disparage the sann
by way of showing their superior smart
ness.
That one picture has no chance o
recognition with fourteen hundred others
shouting at it.
That all the best pavement-artists
now give " One-Man " shows. The
can thus select their own " pitch," anc
are never ruthlessly skied.
That photography in colours is coming
and then the R.A. will have to go.
That REMBRANDT, HOLBEIN, RUBENS anc
VANDYCK were never hung at the Summer
Exhibition.
That BOTTICELLI, CORREGGIO and TITIAN
managed to rub along without that
privilege.
That the ten-guinea frame that wai
bought (or owed for) this spring will do
splendidly next year for another master-
piece.
That the painter must have specimens
of his best work to decorate the somewhat
bare walls of his studio.
That the best test of a picture is being
able to live with it — or live it down — so
why send it away from its most lenient
xitic ?
That probably the chef-d'ceuvre sent
in was shown to the Hanging Committee
upside down.
That, supposing they saw it pro-
perly, they were afraid that its suc-
cess would put the Academy to the
expense of having a railing placed in
front.
And finally, we would remind the
Rejected One that, after all, his bantling
\as been exhibited in the R.A. — to the
President and his colleagues engaged
in the work of selection. Somebody
at least looked at it for quite three
seconds.
A Rapid Glance Round.
THE following advertisement of an
Isle of Wight Hotel appears in the St.
James's Gazette : —
" Miles of Beautiful Coast Scenery from
nearly every window. From Waterloo to Hotel
Pier, 12.30, arrive 4.5; return 4.10, arrive
7.35."
'inq minutes d'arr&t! It sounds in-
adequate.
APRIL 27, 1904.]
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
305
M. BOUDIN IN ENGLAND.
NO. m.
OF course I have seen to it that young BOUDIN should pay
a visit to the House of Commons ; indeed, I we-at with him,
for I was anxious to note what impression was made upon
him by the sight of the institution whicli is at once the
cause and guardian of our liberties and the promoter of our
progress. " BOUDIN," I said to him, " I am glad to tell you
1 1 nit I have been able, through the good offices of my friend
\\INDLESTRAP, the Member for East Wopsall, to secure cards
t'..r the Strangers' Gallery of the House of Commons to-day.
I hope it will be convenient for you to go."
"Convenient?" he replied. "Oh, yes, I can make it
convenient, but I do not know that I am enthusiast for the
House of Commons. I have seen the Chamber of Deputies
and I suppose they are much alike. They are old gentlemen
with bald heads that shine as you look down at them ; and
tlicv talk and sometimes they are angry and beat themselves.
Your House of Commons will be the same thing, will it
not ? "
I own that this way of putting it affected me disagreeably,
but I kept calm and said, " The Chamber of Deputies, my
dear BOUDIN, is no doubt all very well in its way. I am
the last man to say a word against it ; but the House of
Commons is the oldest representative assembly in the world,
the mother of Parliaments, and all that, you know, and —
well, we're accustomed to think of it as something rather
different from other bodies of a similar nature set up by
foreign nations."
" As to that," says he, "I do not doubt it will be different
in little things, but in principle they are all the same. And
to be old is not to be full of wisdom; but I will go with
you willingly and see your great House of Commons," and he
bowed to me and lit himself a cigarette, as if it was all a
matter of no importance.
However, I took him in spite of his flippancy.
We were lucky in our evening, for the adjournment of the
House was moved from the Opposition benches almost
immediately after we got there, forty Members having risen
to support the orator who proposed it, and the debate that
ensued was one of the liveliest and angriest it has ever been
my good fortune to listen to. Epithets came pelting down
like hailstones ; eyes flashed ; fists were clenched ; there were
interruptions, roars of fury, retorts, pale faces — all the signs
in fact that denote a situation strained almost to bursting-
point. I had the utmost difficulty in restraining BOUDIN from
joining in the uproar and thus causing our expulsion from
the Gallery :—
" It is not human," he said, " to prevent me from shouting.
I smother if I do not shout. Oh, sacred name of a pipe, it is
better than the Chamber of Deputies ; it is better than the
battle of Austerlitz at the Cirque ; it is better — oh, but that
was a terrible thing your Mr. BALFOUR say of your Sir BANNER-
MAN ; and yet you say there will be no duels after this."
" My dear BOUDIN,'' I said with some dignity, " in a country
which has long been in the enjoyment of liberty, and which
nas realised that progress depends on free and open dis-
mission, there is no necessity to resort to the brutal and
senseless arbitrament of the duel. Wo have got beyond that
sort of thing. We do not bring political animosity into the
Held of private friendship. I myself agree with Mr. BALFOUR
and the Conservative Press that the Liberals on the Opposi-
tion are, with few exceptions, a set of unprincipled scoundrels,
the friends of every country except their own — but I should
be sorry to let this opinion of mine break up my private
intercourse with Liberals."
"Ah, then," cried BOUDIN, "you are all hypocrite; you
pretending like children. All this noise and fury yon
make them for fun. You mock yourself of the countrv ; vou
PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL.
" I 'LL TELL TOO soitETHiNO, Miss BULLION. MY SISTER MAUD 'a OOINO
TO MARRY YOUB BROTHER DlOK. BUT DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT, 'COS
HE DOESN'T KNOW IT HIMSELF YET ! "
make a pied de nez at the people ; you are humbugs " (he
pronounced it "ombogs"). "You call a man a rogue and
then, by blue, you dine with him and you smile, and he say
to you, ' That was a splendid speech. I felicitate you ; ' and
you say to him, ' Oh, but your speech ' (in which he call you
a villain), ' that was magnificent. My compliments.' Oh,
come, let us go away. I cannot listen any more."
Of course I laughed at him, but for once in a way he
seemed in earnest.
" Oh," he said, " you are indeed a great nation. You have
my respectful homages. You make a serious thing of your
football, and you make your politics like a play at the Palais
Royal. Yes, you are a great nation."
"BRITISH OAK," who is interested in historical relics,
writes from Wick to complain of a shocking case of vandalism
reported in the " Literary and Scientific Corner " of his
local paper. The facts are given as follows without com-
ment : — " At the Royal Institution, before a brilliant audience,
Professor OSTWALD took his stand at the historic green-clad
table, from which JOHN DALTON a century ago enunciated
his atomic theory, and proceeded to demolish it." Mr. Punch
heartily shares the disgust of " British Oak " at this wanton
act of destruction.
WANTED, A SITUATION as Working Butler, where footman is pre-
ferred.— Maidenhead Advertiser.
Is this a case of humility, or simply cussedness?
306
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 27, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
IN spite of the fact that readers of The Woman with th
Fan (METHUEN) will not make the acquaintance of a singL
desirable person, Mr. ROBERT HICHENS' book is
fascinating by reason of its clever studies o
character, enthralling in the drama it unfolds
It is always a pity that good people shouk
not be capable of becoming, in the skillec
novelist's hands, as interesting as the bad
My Baronite's limited experience does no:
*S bring him in contact with the exceedingly
seamy side of highly-placed London society
familiar to Mr. HICHENS. All his men are bad (with the ex-
ception of a feeble old gentleman whose physical infirmities
are pitilessly dwelt upon), and all his women (save one septua-
genarian) are in varied manner vicious. Nevertheless one
eagerly reads what they say, and intently follows their
plotting and counterplotting. Amongst many finishec
studies is the character of Lord Holme, a sort of twentieth
century Bacchus, with a touch of Silenus. Robin Pierce, a
discarded suitor of Lady Holme who openly makes love to her
in her married state, is the nearest approach to a gentleman
in Mr. HICHENS' gallery. But this character is evidently
imposed upon him with ulterior design. It helps to make
the strongly dramatic situation in which Robin, after
passionately protesting that Lady Holme's beauty is nothing
to him, all he sought being " the angel within her," discovers
that her face has been disfigured by an accident, and silently
turns away and withdraws from the stage. There are other
scenes that suggest dramatisation of the novel. But of course
Lady Holme's scarred and seamed countenance, upon which
the tragedy turns, makes such adaptation impossible.
Miss Arnott's Marriage, by RICHARD MARSH (JOHN LONG),
can be recommended by the Baron only to the totally inex-
perienced in novel-reading, or to the thoroughly accomplished
and indefatigable skipper conversant with the ropes. The
story begins well ; and thus it happens that the commence-
ment is the best of it, " which," quoth the Baron paradoxi-
cally, " is just the very worst of it."
In the Editor's preface to Haydn's Dictionary of Dates
(WARD, LOCK & Co.) record is made of the death of Mr. BENJAMIN
VINCENT, which took place since he piloted
through the press the twenty-second edition
of this indispensable work. Behold in this
portly volume his unique monument. Mr.
VINCENT commenced his editorial labours in
connection with the seventh edition, and
continued them through the last hitherto
published. The twenty-third exceeds former
records by two hundred precious pages, not to mention space
gained by condensation, printing in smaller type, or the
expunging of matters of lessening interest. As it stands the
volume is world-embracing. There is no subject, from Atoms
to Zollverein, that is not dealt with compendiously yet com-
prehensively. The art of condensation reaches its perfection
in these skilfully-arranged pages. Not only is the history of
every nation in the universe brought up to date, but where,
since the last edition was published, history has been made'
place is found for succinct record. Turning over the pages
my Baronite finds not less than ten devoted to record of the
progress of the South African War. In this narrow compass
are found, instantly accessible, particulars and dates of every
one of the leading incidents in the Titanic struggle. The
Dictionary of Dates is for the literary or business man a
library in itself.
The Tragedy of the Great Emerald, by WETHERBY CHESNEY
(METHUEN), is the story of a robbery, two murders, a suicide,
and the discovery of criminals without any assistance being
given by pr6fessional detectives and subordinate police
officers. The gentleman and the lady who undertake the
detection of the above indicated crimes are not by any
means strikingly original creations. The one really strong
melodramatic situation arrests attention at the commence-
ment of the story, but "subsequent proceedings" are not
of increasing interest. The pace at first is too good to
last : hence disappointment. Still, those whom Providence
has blessed with an abundance of spare time may set them-
selves many a less profitable task than the perusal of this
tale of meddle, muddle, and mystery.
Dr. BARRY is a master of perplexing style. My Baronite,
reading Newman, the latest addition to the Literary Lives
Series published by HODDER AND STOUGHTON, feels the touch
of nature that makes him kin with the coster's acquaintance
of the Old Kent Road, " 'E dunno w'ere 'e are." Frequently
he comes upon really illuminating sentences, and thinks he
is now going to learn something about the Cardinal, his life
and his works. But the next sentence, obscure, involved, has
nothing to do with the matter, wandering blindfold on
another tack. At best it is a lay figure round which the
book is written— a pity, since there have been few personalities
so rich and rare as that of the English Cardinal. The best
things in the book are the various photogravures, from the
miniature painted whilst NEWMAN was still in residence at
Keble College to the Dantesque face presented a year before
his death, with its pathetic gaze into an unknown future,
and its unspoken prayer, " Lead, Kindly Light."
Bright in colour is the frontispiece of the Pall Mall
Magazine for May, which opens with a poem entitled "A
Summer Evening," by King OSCAR of Sweden and Norway.
The translation of the Royal contributor's work is by EMILY
JULIAN. There are some capital cricket notes, headed " Don't,"
aptly illustrated. MAUD RAWSON'S story of "Pepita " is dash-
ingly illustrated by S. H. SIME, who introduces a new
method of dealing with the action of individuals in the tale
by showing a page of curiously quaint landscape (in a cer-
tain sense Gustave Doresque), wherein hundreds of trees
appear like gigantic powdered heads of goblins in a valley
while the two principal actors in the scene are in the fore-
ground, proportionately insig-
nificant. Then in the next
llustration we are shown how
'he stood facing Pepita with
lashing eyes," but the spectator
;ees only the broad back of the
gentleman facing Pepita, and
whether his eyes are flashing
or not cannot be gathered
'rom their reflection in those of
Pepita. A lively and interest-
ng number, as it should be
'or "The merry month of
lay."
THE
BARON
DE
B.-W,
SHORT NOTICE.— On this occasion Mr. Punch's Dramatic
Uommissioner can do no more for The Rich Mrs. Repton,
he new comedy produced last week at the Duke of York's
f ™ tr% r i% reC°rd the instant and ^ell-deserved success
ol Mr K. O. CARTON'S wealthy widow. It is a delightful piece,
apitelly "staged" by Mr. DZON BOUCICAULT, and perfectly
cted Ihe eccentric heroine, Mrs. Jack Repton, a modern
Lady Bountiful, is charmingly impersonated by Miss COMPTON.
Congratulations to Manager CHDDLEIGH and to all concerned;
letails in " our next."
M\v 4, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ('II Aim "A I! I.
307
CONSOLATION.
ll'i/e of Ins losom (to Daubsley, idhoae masterpiece, " Tin Calais-Douvres failing to enter Dover Harbour," has also failed to enter the
Royal Academy). "NEVER MIND, GEORGE, I'M SVBB THESE is REALLY GOOD WORK IN IT, FOR I DISTINCTLY HEARD THAT CRITIO FRIEND OF YOCRS
KAY, WHEN HE WAS HERE ON SHOW SUNDAY — AND YOU KNOW HB NEVER PRAISES ANYTHING UNDULY— I DISTINCTLY BEARD Ulil SAY TUE Pin tin:
POSITIVELY MADE HIM FEEL QUITE ILL."
A CAFfi IN PICCADILLY.
(Why Not?)
SINCE the Agreement with France was
signed, the London climate itself seems
on many days to have acquired a Gallic
gaiety. The smoke still poured from
a million chimneys, the smuts still
ided on five million faces, but
nevertheless those sunny April days,
showing the freshly -painted white houses
clear-cut against a sky that was almost
blue, tempted us to sit, outside a cal'e
in the sunshine, and watch the passers-
by while we smoked at ease. The tempta-
tion was easily resisted, for that cafe
was but a dream. However line the
weather may be, one can sit nowhere in
London streets, except with tramps on
a public seat, or with flower-skirls on
the base of the Shaftesbnry Memorial.
People say the climate of London
a sitting out of doors impossible
It is quite possible iu. the Park, and
very agreeable and cheerful at certain
hours in the daytime, if the weather is
warm and still and rainless. Hut one
can sit outeide a cafe, in the evening,
and in weather much less warm and
settled, because one is sheltered by the
buildings and probably by an awning.
People used to sit out in the charming
garden behind the Albert Hall, at the
time of the Fisheries and other Exhibi-
tions, until that garden, which the
richest city in the world could not afford
to preserve, vanished for ever. Kven
now some adventurous explorers get as
far as the Wild South- West, and discover
a sort of open-air resort, sandwiched
between railway lines and coal yards.
The climate of London in summer is
not so very much worse than that of
Paris, though the sky is less clear. The
temperature of the two cities is much
the same. London has no monopoly
of rain, or Paris of sunshine. Last
summer a gondola in the Rue de Rivoli
would have excited no surprise, and
any May one can meet in the Avenue
de JL'Op£ra a North wind that would be
a credit to Cromer.
People also say that we ought to sit
out in the Embankment Gardens, if we
I want to imitate the French. But nobody
in Paris sits upon the quais, charming
| as they are. At least there is no cafe
of any size between the Louvre and the
TrocadeVo. The Parisian prefers the
'cheerful streets, and if we tried to
' imitate his cafe it should be in Piccadilly.
It might be on the site of St. James's
Hall, or among the shops near Half
! Moon Street, facing the Green Park. It
is true that in neither of those positions
, could there be chairs actnallv in the
open air. But the seats could be inside
! as they are in Vienna, or Berlin, or
Brussels, and through the windows,
wide open or entirely removed in warm
weather, one could see the movement in
the street. There is, however, one ideal
position. If there were a cafe on the
ground floor of the new Ritz Hotel, with
a tei-rasse overlooking Piccadilly and the
| Green Park — by that time perhaps more
green than now, and no longer half
black with recumbent and filthy tramps
— the Londoner, other than the tramp,
could try at home what he appreciates
1 so much abroad.
VOL. CXXVI.
308
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.
[MAY 4, 1904.
STORM IN A TEACUP.
UNDER a hide profoundly elephantine,
To Nature's touches practically dead,
He hid a heart inhuman, adamantine,
Who lightly thought to tax the people's bread ;
But he, I hold, possessed a constitution
Tougher by one incredible degree,
Who faced a country ripe for revolution
And put an extra tuppence on its tea.
What made him choose a course so rash, so risky ?
Why pinch a people in its tenderest place ?
\Vas it the falling-off in wine and whisky
That asked revenge in kind to meet the case ?
Are we conjecturally right in stating
That he has penalised that sacred cup, —
The sort that cheers without inebriating, —
Merely to make the liquid difference up ?
To him, I dare surmise, it little mattered,
So he could once restore the year's decrease,
Whether or not that tuppence rudely shattered
The dearest prop of our domestic peace ;
That charm that in the mansions of the mighty
Makes bearable the women's gossip-hour ;
The same that in the humbler form of " high-tea "
Draws home the clerk to his suburban bower.
I would some friend, some Treasury Achates
Had warned him not to put our tempers out
By carelessly upsetting those Penates
Who find their focus in the tea-pot's spout ;
Had bid him mark that best of Britain's mottos,
Which, like her flag (to every wind unfurled),
Elicits loyal cheers and reverent '• What ohs ! "-
Tlie hand that rules the kettle rocks the icorld !
For not by beer alone, nor yet at Eton
(The site where Waterloo was largely won),
Have we acquired the knack of being beaten
Without acknowledging when we are done ;
But half our gallantry in earth- and sea-fights,
And that unrivalled gift of keeping cool,
Was learned in hand-to-mouth provincial tea-fights
Inaugurated by the Sunday School.
And what associations round it ripple,
The beverage that genii loved to gulp !
COWPER, whose Muse immortalised the tipple,
Grew nightly pensive o'er its sodden pulp ;
On this, to cope with BOSWELL'S deadly tedium,
The champion lexicographer relied ;
WEIB drew his mellow note from just this medium,
And ANNE absorbed it freely — ere she died.
And if to-day we must forego that liquor
Which binds the nation as in bonds of blood —
Thicker than water anyhow, and thicker,
If you but leave it long enough, than mud ;
\Vhen on the storied urn we used to brew in
We carve the dying record of the free,
His be the shame who wrought his country's ruin
By putting tuppence extra on her tea ! 0. S.
"THE visit of M. LOUBET," says a Times correspondent,
" confirms and symbolises the French recognition of Kama
intangibile capitals d'ltalia." "What's the iise of an
' intangible capital ? '" asked a well-informed speculator on
hearing the above. " One can't take much interest in it, or
get any interest out of it."
A PLEASANT EVENING.
THIS can be insured in the company of The Rich Mrs
Repton at the Duke of York's Theatre. As Mr. CARTON'S swee
widow is able to draw cheques to any amount, so may she
draw the public. Mrs. Repton is a woman with a queer past
but ever ready with a splendid present. So good a character
could not have a better representative than Miss COMPTON.
Mr. CHARLES ALLAN is excellent as an Anglican Bishop, a
"with a past," at least so he gives the audience to infer fron
his uncommonly precise bearing in the presence of a lad\
whose morality he considers somewhat questionable. As his
nephew, Lord Charles Dorchester, Mr. A. E. MATTHEWS "goes
up" more than "one." He has a future of light-seriou
comedy before him, and this particular part he plays to
perfection.
It is quite on the cards that Mr. CHARLES TROODE — en
acting Captain Pugsley, an amateur conjuror — would be t
good remplacant for Mr. MATTHEWS whenever required at short
notice. He has very little to do, but that little is always
effective, and never obtrusive. In the hands of Mr. ERIC
LEWIS the absurd character of the kind-hearted niminy
S'miny Bryce Kempshaw, known as "Fluffy," is very safe
e brings out all its best points and never exaggerates its
foibles.
Mr. C. M. LOWNE gives us a clever sketch of honest
Edward Lurcott, a failure as a barrister.
The one part that might endanger the success of the pla\
— namely, that of Paul Ranee the Dramatist, simply because
the public (a first-night audience excepted) is quite unable to
sympathise with an author in agonies about the production
of his new piece, — is remarkably well rendered, without the
slightest exaggeration, by Mr. DION BOUCICAULT.
Capital as is Mr. DAWSON MILWARD'S villain, Fitzroy Marrack,
yet, is it necessary to make him up as such a ghastly
bilious-looking rascal ? How much more artistic would it have
been were he shown as quite an ordinary-looking individual.
Miss DORA BARTON as Mrs. F. Marrack does not make this
mistake : from her attractive appearance, her character
might be good, bad, or indifferent : and, when it comes to
business, she never loses a point. This happy couple to
a certain extent resemble DICKENS'S Mr. and Mrs. Mrrdl
while older readers may be reminded by them of Mr. and
Mrs. Wracketts in ALBERT SMITH'S Pottleton Leyacy. Mr.
Wracketts is there described as a gentleman very like a
"dissipated eagle;" also "he had a very pale face," and
his wife "was a very pretty woman, evidently his junior by
ten or twelve years." Mr. CARTON'S swindlers pretty closely
resemble this latter happy couple.
Miss DORA BARTON is nice as the ingenue Norah Lamonby,
and Miss LENA HALLIDAY enlists all sympathies by her quiet
rendering of Miss Petworth, Mrs. Jack Repton's secretary.
The part of Jowling, Mrs. Jack's highly respectable butler, is
capitally made up and played by Mr. CHARLES DALY.
The stage, at the present moment," is strong in representa-
tives of upper and lower domestic service : and no piece just
now is complete without a typical butler, footman, and house-
keeper. The smart housemaid of ancient farce and comedy
will have her turn again ; the valet is once more getting
his chance, as witness the Vellamy of Mr. LEWIS FIELDER.
The dialogue is epigrammatic and natural ; the action, dra-
matic. Whether Mr. CARTON'S play is strong enough for a
long run must depend on "the taste and fancy" of the
somewhat uncertain public.
THE Westminster Gazette, in reviewing the Stratford-on-
P?r,formances, says :— " Mr. BENSON has gone back to
(sic) B.C. to show us that SHAKSPEARE and ^SCHYLUS
have much in common." Can the reference be to Proto-
plasms ?
I'l'NCII. 01! THK LONDON rilAIMVAKI. Mo I, 1!>OI.
THE WASTED WATERWAY.
FAIUICU TIIAMKS (irhi> lias been waitimj for liis Steamboat service for over three years). " H'M ! THEY TALK
ABO UT ' CONGESTION OF TRAFFIC ' ! LORD ! I WISH I HAD HALF THEIR COMPLAINT ! "
MAY 4, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
311
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
ElTRAOTBD FBOM THE DlABY OF ToBY, M.P.
House of Lords, Monday, April 25. —
"I wants to make your flesh creep."
Thus the Fat Boy known to Mr. Pick-
wick, prefacing communication to his
mistress of the scene in the arbour
between Mr. Tupman and the spinster
aunt. Nothing about the LORD HH.II
CHANCELLOR that suggests the Fat I5oy ;
nothing save a certain subtle something
in his manner as with dignified, yet
lithe step he paced the floor this after-
noon on his way to the Woolsack.
Attendance small ; through it ran quick
apprehension that something direful
about to happen. First thought sug-
gested Dissolution. PRINCE ARTHUR might,
on further reflection, be disposed to
revert to ancient constitutional practice
of resigning after defeat in the Division
Lobby. But there had been no disasters
of that kind ; on the contrary, matters
mightily improving in the other House.
Ministerial majority more than once ran
up to its old figures, even exceeded them.
Moreover, if Dissolution were to the fore,
it wouldn't be LORD CHANCELLOR'S busi-
ness to announce it.
Could DON JOSE have been saying or
doing something ? Was the LORD CHAN-
CELLOR bearer of a message from him?
If so, would Black- Rod be despatched to
other House to request their attendance
at its delivery, whilst in Palace Yard the
Mansion House band played a bar of
" God Save the King "?
That obviously absurd, including
suggested action of band. Never know
what we may come to ; as yet this stage
not reached. Anyhow, something evi-
dently to the fore. Know it by the
quiver of the LORD CHANCELLOR'S wig, the
ominous rustling of his silken gown.
Having seated himself on Woolsack,
LORD CHANCELLOR slowly rose. Fresh
quiver of excitement passed along the
benches. Noble Lords leaned forward
with parted lips. Speaking rather in
sorrow than in anger, LORD CHANCELLOR
told his simple story. Two years ago
CHARLES HENRY CHANDOS HENNIKER-MAJOR
succeeded to the British barony of his
aiieient house. In no hurry to take his
seat in the Lords. Made no move in
that direction through last Session.
Now occurred to him might as well keep
up family custom. Advised that before
lireseiiiing himself to take oath must
-s himself of writ summoning him
to Parliament. Looked in at Crown
Office.
"Don't happen to have about you
writ for Baron HENMKER ? " he enquired.
" HENNIKER-MAJOR, you know. I'm called
Major because I was bom in January
and my brother GERALD was born in
December of same year. Odd thing, you
know ; doesn't often happen in a family.
OKSTIN, THE TAKEH-IN OF SHEKELS.
Some idea, I believe, of christening
me Alpha and GERALD Omega. But not
carried out. Yes, you are quite right ;
we sit in the Lords as Baron HARTISMERE.
Things altogether a little mixed. But
thought I'd look in for the writ. Thank
you ; now it 's all right, I suppose. Just
drop in at the Lords, hand in the docu-
ment, sign the roll, and there you are—-
at least, there I am."
So he was on the Tuesday following.
But as it turned out he had no business
there. The clerk at the Crown Office
so interested in HENNIKER-MAJOR'S story —
" Quite a romance of the peerage," he
said to his wife when he returned home
— that, looking up a file and finding
a writ ready for Baron HARTISMERE he
handed it over.
Accepted as matter of course by
clerk at table in House of Lords ; ALPHA
HENNIKER-MAJOR, sixth Baron in the
JOHN OF B.UIKKSKA.
(After the manner of M-x B-rb-hin.)
Peerage of Ireland, second in that of
the United Kingdom, duly signed the
roll of Parliament and took his seat.
Tlien dread discovery made. It wasn't
liis writ at all ! HENNIXKR-MAJOR'S a hap-
ha/anl family. The fifth Baron went
to his grave without ever possessing
himself of the writ of summons to the
last Parliament of Queen VICTORIA. Long
it lay at the Crown Office, till the sixth
Baron, casually dropping in, dazing
the clerk with entrancing autobiogra-
phical details, gets handed to him his
late father's writ, and but for accidental
discovery might (legislatively) have lived
upon it to the end of the chapter.
As it is, the Constitution must be
saved. Instant action imperative. Thus
the LORD CHANCELLOR comes down in
State and, setting aside all other busi-
ness, moves that the writ of summons
directing Lord HAHTISMERE to attend be
set aside. Also that th« name of Lord
HARTISMERE, set forth among the Lords
present on Tuesday last, should be
deleted, and that the signature on the
test-roll be struck out.
Noble Lords held their breath expect-
ing the LORD CHANCELLOR would conclude
dread sentence with the formula, " And
may the Lord have mercy on your soul ! "
Stopped short at that ; and noble Lords,
feeling unequal to strain of other busi-
ness, forthwith adjourned.
Business done.— ^ln Commons, oppo-
sition to Aliens Bill defeated by a
majority of 124. In Lords, Lord
HENNIKER declared to be an alien. Name
struck off roll of Parliament — pro tern, of
course.
House of Commons, Tuesday. — A dull
day, my masters. Nothing to the fore
more important than voting in Committee
of Ways and Means a trifle of one
hundred and thirty-four millions ster-
ling. Not at any time present through
discussion one hundred and thirty-four
Members. One touch of humour flashed
over preliminary scene.
Before House went into Committee
ANSON brought in Bill amending Educa-
tion Act passed t'other day. Affairs
have, it seemed, reached deadlock in
Principality. Town Councils hold purse-
strings of Education funds. When
managers of Church schools come along
for their share, County Councils, repre-
senting majority of Nonconformist popu-
lation, dole out in threepenny bits
exactly as much as the Church schools
were accustomed to receive under old
regime. That seems fair enough. But,
working out, it falls roughly on school
managers. Education grant formerly
supplemented by contributions from the
Faithful. Solicited to-day to renew
subscriptions, the Faithful with dis-
cordant levity reply, " You bet ! We
successfully brought pressure to bear
upon best of all Governments to throw
312
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 4, 1904.
charge of denominational education on
the rates. Go and take it out of them."
But AP MORGAN and AP THOMAS who,
as their fathers did, worship in, and out of
.heir own pockets maintain, bleak stone-
iaced chapels on a thousand hills, won't
stump up another penny beyond what
particular Church schools formerly re-
jeived from Education Department.
" They knew your needs and your just
claim, "says Alderman AP MORGAN, "and
met them out of public funds. We, now
administering those funds, allot you
precisely the same amount."
"Felly," says Councillor AP THOMAS,
dropping into the vernacular.
Managers of Church schools retire to
secluded glen, and indulge in strange
language. But it does not produce any
money.
This, in brief, is the education pickle
in the Principality. Government who
created it by Education Act of yester-
year now step in to mitigate it by
amending Act. The Education Board
will supply the deficit created by back-
wardness of former subscribers to Church
schools, and will afterwards take it out
of the rates.
" Coercion ! coercion ! " cry the Welsh
Members, raging furiously.
'Twas here the flash of humour
crossed the parched mind. Idea of asso-
ciating Sir WILLIAM ANSON — prim, pre-
cise, slight in figure, the ideal Professor
for the University founded by the Lady
PSYCHE and the Lady BLANCHE, one who
might well have worn their
academic silks, in hue
The lilac, with a silken hood to each,
And zoned with gold —
to connect him with coercion too de-
lightful !
"They'll be calling him Buckshot
ANSON next," said SARK, recalling well-
known episode in turbulent days oj
Chief Secretary FORSTER.
All the same, this being the line to
take, LLOYD-GEORGE followed fuming
hurling round placid head of Secretary
to Board of Education bolts of nicely-
calculated thunder, gleams of home-made
lightning. ANSON, who, as few suspect
once meekly bore the dignity of a City
Alderman, 'instinctively shrank behinc
the bulwark of body of HOME SECRETARY
Managed throughout the tirade bravel}
to wear a smile not unworthy a Vinerian
Reader in English Law.
Business done. — A good deal, of sorts
Friday night. — NANNETTI has given
notice of strange question addressed t(
the POSTMASTER GENERAL. He has pu
it down for Monday. It is to ask " i
he is aware that men are frequently
supervised by females in Dublin ; can
he say if this practice is general through
out the entire service ? and, if not, wil
he make arrangements to have the prac
tice discontinued ? "
Lord STANLEY rather in a fix. Speak-
ig as a married man he says the condi-
lon described in the question is not
onfined to Dublin. He has known
ases on this side of the Channel, even
n domestic establishments not un-
xmnected with his old Department, the
War Office. Why NANNETTI should have
fixed upon him to deliver an opinion
n the subject, urging him to make
rrangements for having the practice
.iscontinued, is entirely puzzling.
Business done. — Private Members'.
GREAT GOLFERS.
A SERIES OF APPRECIATIONS.
With acknowledgments to Mr. Q. W. Beldam.)
THE DUKE OF DEVONSHIRE.
Now we come to a player whom many
consider to be gifted by nature with the
most remarkable style in the Kingdom
jf Golf — an opinion in which I decidedly
joncur, for to see the Duke of DEVONSHIRE
litting hard with his wooden clubs is a
sight for the gods. Some of the feats
le has recently accomplished on the
jrivate links at Chatsworth are alto-
gether unprecedented : on one occasion
when playing a full-iron shot he cut
what BEN SAYERS (no mean judge) de-
clares to be the largest divot on record,
^t is said that when he is playing with
the Hon. OSMOND SCOTT he is consistently
out-driven, but I have never seen Lord
IALSBORY drive a ball quite so far as the
hatsworth crack.
The Duke of DEVONSHIRE, as instan-
taneous photographs show, adopts an
sxtraordinarily wide stance — there being
Eully three and a half feet between his
feet — with the ball placed equidistant
from the two heels, so that it is impos-
sible to say for certain whether he plays
off the right or the left leg. Another
peculiarity of his is that he never fails to
strike his shoulder, neck or head with
the club-head at the top of his swing.
The follow through is just as full of
dash as the upward swing, as may be
proved from the fact that the Duke has
been known to strike the ground eighteen
inches behind the ball, and yet succeed
in striking it several yards off the tee !
But his proficiency is by no means con-
fined to his wooden clubs. With his
mashie, when he is in form, the Duke
can socket, dunch and flub against any
amateur living, and Lord DARNLEY, better
known as the Hon. Ivo BLIQH, has been
heard to say that he has never seen any
golfer make such a stroke to cover point
MR. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN.
If there is one player who may be saic
to have a distinctive style of his own, i
is the ex-Colonial Secretary. To begin
with, in addressing the ball he entirely
dispenses with any preliminary waggle
lis somewhat slight physique affords no
criterion of his driving power, which is
[uite remarkable. But perhaps his most
triking characteristic is hia daring yet
mccessful use of that difficult yet de-
ightful shot — the push-stroke. Gene-
rally speaking, it is only used when the
ground is firm ; but no matter how diffi-
cult the lie, or how delicate the ground,
ktr. CHAMBERLAIN can always rely on
mnging it off with a certainty which
Daralyses the most imperturbable oppo-
nent.
Another great service which Mr.
CHAMBERLAIN has rendered to the game
_s the revival of the spoon. Time was
when the driving mashie was the popular
kvourite. It had dethroned the cleek,
is the ktter club had superseded the
spoon ; but the spoon is once again
amongst us, and I firmly believe has
come to stay. It is a club to which
tfr. CHAMBERLAIN, like Mr. HILTON and
SANDY HERD, is peculiarly partial, but
n one important particular he differs
[rom these famous exponents of the
game. They always use a short club,
while he varies the length of his spoon
according to the character of his partner.
SIR HENRY CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN.
The peculiarities of the Liberal
Leader's style are pronounced and easily
described. Time after time he uncon-
sciously " faces " in an entirely different
direction from that in which he intends
to go, with a result to his partner that
can be easily imagined. It is said,
however, that of late he has been assidu-
ously practising a forcing stroke with a
captive ball in a Chinese compound, and
his present style would certainly tend to
confirm this rumour. In addressing his
ball he favours a prolonged waggle, and
leaves a good deal to be desired in
regard to the follow through. He is
generally considered what is termed a
left-leg player, but observation of his
recent methods inclines us to the suppo-
sition that he has altered slightly his
attitude to the globe, with the result
that he is not quite so much of a left-
leg player as he was.
IT appears from the account given in
the Times of the attempt to assassinate
General KUROPATKIN, that a Cossack in
attendance on the Commander-in-Chief
noticed one of the two Japanese, " dis-
guised as Chinese beggars, put his hand
inside his dress, whereupon he felled
him to the ground." Exceptionally
sharp body-guard this. It recalls the
case " down west " when a simple
stranger, on putting his hand behind
him, to draw out his handkerchief from
his tail pocket, was immediately shot by
the Arkansas gentleman of whom he was
about to ask'the way. Still the Cossack
was right this time— if the story 's true,
MAT 4, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
313
A TOAST.
' LOKO LIFE TO TEK HoKOCR ! Mil ASSES DISCS OH THE GuTES OF YES IKIMIES ! "
RHYMES OF THE EAST.
A SOLDIER OF WEIGHT.
1\ the dim and distant ages, in the half-forgotten days, •
Ere the East became the fashion, and an Indian tour the craze,
Lived a certain Major-General, renowned throughout the State
As an officer of standing and considerable weight.
But, though weightiness of mind is an invaluable trait,
When referred to adiposity it's all the other way ;
And our hero was afflicted with an ever growing lack
Of the necessary charger, and the hygienic hack.
He had bought them by the dozen — he had tried them by
the score,—
But not one of them was equal to the burden that he bore ;
They were conscious of the honour— they were sound in
wind and limb —
They could carry a cathedral, but they drew the line at him.
But he stuck to it, till finally his pressing needs were filled
By the mammoth of his species, a Leviathan in build,
A superb upstanding brown, of unexceptionable bone,
And phenomenally qualified to carry 20 stone.
And the General was happy ; for awhile the creature showed
An unruffled acquiescence in the nature of his load ;
Till without the slightest warning that superb upstanding
brown
Thought it time to make a protest, which he did by lying
down.
They appealed to him, reproached him, gave him sugar, cut
his feed,
But in vain ; for almost daily that inexorable steed.
When he heard his master coming, looked insultingly around,
And with cool deliberation laid him down upon the ground.
But they fought it oat, till in the end the undefeated brute
Made a humorous obeisance at the general salute !
Then his owner kicked him wildly in the stomach for his
pranks,
Said he 'd stand the beast no longer, and " returned him to
the ranks."
• * * * •
(An interval of about three years hat elapsed.)
Time has dulled our hero's anguish ; time has moved our
man of weight
To an even higher office in the service of the State ;
And we find him on his yearly tour, inspecting at his ease
A distinguished corps of Cavalry, the Someone's Own D.G.'s.
And our fat but famous man of war, accoutred to the nines.
Was engaged in making rude remarks, and going round the
lines,
When he suddenly beheld across an intervening space
A Leviathan of horseflesh, the Behemoth of his race.
" Colonel RoBnreox," he shouted, with enthusiastic force,
" A remarkably fine horse, Sir ! " The remarkably fine horse
Gave a reminiscent shudder, looked insultingly around.
And with cool deliberation laid him down upon the ground !
Dun-Dun.
314
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVARI.
[MAY 4, 1904.
OUR MR. JABBERJEE IN THE FAR EAST.
in.
Still in Korea — but higher up.
AprilS.
SINCE my last date of writing I have figured as a some-
what prominent fly on the wheel of international politics !
This may perhaps appear almost too bombastical an
assertion, even for the emissary of so potential a factor
as Hon'ble Punch ; still, like Othello, I have done the State
some service, and they know it, so I need say no more of
that — except to narrate how it all transpired.
As the fanatical admirer of my plucky little Jap cronies,
I have been deeply mortified to perceive that their Korean
entertainers, far from showing them their super-fatted,
calves, kept them at the arm's length of a cold shoulder ;
such bovcutting tactics being due to the bad example of His
Imperial Korean Majesty, who adopted the strictly neutral
and ostrichian attitude of pretending to be unconscious of
their nude existence !
I was anxious to intervene as the mutual friend to split
their difference — but que faire ? For the Korean EMPEROR is
unhappily of such excessively sequestered and unsociable
disposition that, whenever he makes the shortest promenade
through the streets, the populace are strictly forbidden to
witness the procession, even from their windows, and any
such Peeping TOM is unceremoniously launched into the
Coventry of Eternity !
And his courtiers also are compelled to turn their backs,
and remain sotto voce, without so much as a hiccup, while his
soldiers must carry small sticks in their mouths to evade all
suspicion of loqxiacity.
Moreover, he is so sensitive to criticism that when, for
some offence or other, he had ordered one of his sisters-in-
law to be roasted to death in a brazen apartment, and a
certain Governor had hazarded the obiter dictum that this
was rather too ungallant behaviour towards a member of the
fair sex, his Majesty not only ordered the said Governor's
head to be decapitated, but that his shins were subse-
quently to receive twenty strokes from a bastinado! [ED.
COM. — We cannot permit our Correspondent to libel a most
humane and amiable monarch in this way. This particular
Court scandal will be found recorded in HAMEL'S " Account
of a Visit to Korea" — published about two hundred years ago !
Vide Pinkerton's Voyages, Vol. VII. Mr. J. must really be
more careful as to the references he consults in future.]
Under these circumstances I naturally hesitated before ven-
turing even my tip of nose in such a Cave of Despair as
the Imperial Palace !
But, most fortunately, a friendly Yang-ban, or member of
the Korean Upper Ten [ED. COM. — We are bound to admit
that, on consulting an authority, we find that " Yang-ban "
may be translated " gentry "], gave me the valuable advice
that if I desired an audience from the King, I must curry
myself into warm favour with a certain Lady Hm, who was
the light of his imperial optics.
Needless to state that I at once took measures to ascertain
the length of her foot, and very soon succeeded in rendering
her my friend in Court.
Lady Hm is a matronly Begum of imposing obesity, with
a sallow visage, and liquid organs of vision which do not
hunt in couples. She is of highly susceptible temperament,
and, if I may credit the ondits of Korean hoi pollies, pos-
sesses a past of a rather luridly spicy character.
The ordinary reticence of an Indo-Anglian gentleman of
course suppresses me to indicate the precise sentiments with
which she regarded myself.
However, some of your readers may perhaps remember a cer-
tain celebrated Indian romance, in which the hero (Mr. Bhosh)
was put out of his countenance by the too forward advances
of the Duchess of Dickinson. The incident in question was,
I happen to know, drawn more or less correctly from the
Author's personal experiences. It is notoriously waste of
time to nod and beck with wreathed smiles at a wilfully
blind horse, and I will restrict myself to the discreet hint that
such a history may possibly have once more repeated itself.
Nevertheless, I must do Lady Hm the justice that, so soon
as she was convinced by the inflexible prudery of my
demeanour that she was a Moth who was hopelessly out of
my Star, she did not exhibit any of the vindictive felinities of
coroneted European feminines, but, on the contrary, put up
with my friendsnip on strictly Plutonic principles.
In token of same she most kindly undertook the jobbery
of presenting me at the Palace as a distinguished stranger.
I shall not attempt to describe the gorgeous sumptuosities
of its gilded saloons [Eo. COM. — Why not ?] beyond affirming
that the interior is truly magnificent, if perhaps in too
barbaric a style for cultured Western Tottenham Court Road
taste.
Stooping in order to make a conquest, I imprinted my
chaste salute upon the imperial foot to the solemn accom-
paniment of a stroke on the gong.
Then, erecting myself to my full stature, I said, with
modest self-sufficiency : " Kindly excuse this intrusion, since
I am here for the strictly business purpose of patching up a
very old sore."
And, perceiving that His Majesty did not tip the wink to
any executioner, but seemed willing to allow me my head, I
proceeded to address him through the medium of an inter-
preter, who, however, was of such gross incompetency as to
convey my fecundity in wretchedly bald laconisms.
I said it was the thousand pities that so enlightened and
progressive a Potentate, in lieu of perceiving which was the
buttered side of his bread, should be so inordinately paralysed
by Yellow Perils as to remain a mere mugwump. To which
the Emperor responded that he was by no means in love with
the Japanese, whom he regarded as so many unmitigated
nuisances.
" Still," I argued, " why, 0 intimate connection of the Sun
and Moon, why snub individuals who are engaged in moving
Heaven and Earth to prevent the double-headed and Pro-
methian Eagle from praying over your internal economies?
Is not said Eagle at the present moment lying, like dog-in-
manger, in Port Arthur, and is Hon'ble Admiral TOKO, with
all his abilities, a Canute that he is to command the sea
without assistance?"
His Majesty rather grumpily replied that the Japanese
were already overflowing their footwear, and that, having
himself a many-wintered crow to pluck with them, he would
not be sorry to see them denuded of some of their stuffing.
" Do not, hon'ble EMPEROR," I implored of him, " neglect
such an Al opportunity to heap coals of fire on their unde-
serving nuts ! Why should such a first-class Xavy as yours sit
on the fence between the deep sea and a foreign devil, when
it might be sent, with a magnanimous message, to your
hon'ble Cousin the MIKADO, and contribute a formidable
brutum fulmen to the bombardment of Port Arthur? "
For a while he made rather ominous apologies for the
rough-and-tumble accommodation of his imperial torture-
chamber, which suspended me on tenderhooks— until I had
the unexpected felicity to gather that I had gained my point.
Bursting into lachrymation, he summoned thirty of his
Rear-Admirals, who made their reverential entry on all fours
[Eo. COM. —It seems that the actual number of Korean
Admirals is twenty-three \, and ordered that, unless the Navy
set its sails for Port Arthur by sunset, every Admiral was to
be flown as pennant from his own yard-arm.
With incredible celerity the magnificent Korean fleet
[Eo. COM. — According to Mr. ANGUS HAMILTON, it consists of
MAT 4, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
one iron-built coal-lighter] was under its
weight, and I think I may fairly claim
that if it should prove, in very short
space of time, to turn the scale in the
balances of Naval Power— it is entirely
owing to my agency.
After a little tittle-tattle on topics of
the day, His Majesty graciously dis-
missed me, with the handsome present
of a roll of silk and a fan, which I am
sending home to my family circles.
This diplomatical success (which surely
adds an extra feather to the cap and
bells of my revered Lord Paramount)
emboldens me to put in a petition on
my purely personal hook : I find that
all my journalistic-rivals are equipping
themselves with patent wireless tele-
graphic poles.
Accordingly, as it would be the
beastly shame if so peerless a paper as
Punch were to be less up-to-date than
penny or half-penny periodicals, may I
order myself a Marconigramophone
apparatus — price, complete, yen 500 (or,
say, £50), which is surely an incon-
siderable drop in the inexhaustible
bucket of your benevolence ?
P.S. — I have had Punch idol put in
hand by professional Korean carver and
gilder. The nose is already protuberat-
ing, and (if I may say so) is the squeaking
likeness ! HT B. J.
NOMINAL HUMOUR.
[One of the delegates from the Lhussu
Government is called MA.]
WHY, why don't we thrill with emotion
When Mandarins totter and fall ?
Why find it so hard
Such events to regard
As of any importance at all ?
If we cannot but laugh at the notion
Of people called Li and AH Foo,
Then I venture to claim
There is more in a name
Than the amorous Juliet knew.
A Briton can scarce be expected
To take as a serious man
Any news he may get
From a place like Tibet
Or China or funny Japan :
There, names, one would think, are
selected
To tickle one's sense of the queer.
And you straightway expand
In a smile that is bland
When the sound of them falls on your ear.
The talk is of Chinese intentions ?
At once you relapse in a grin
As you think of the wiles
Of that master of guiles
Who is known to the world as Ah Sin ;
The title Mikado one mentions,
And memory bears you with joy
To the potentate who
Used to rule Titipu
On the boards of the dear old Savov.
" HE COMETH NOT, SHE SAID."
Mistress (who it going out for the day). " AND, MART, Ton MAT INVITE A FRIEND TO COME K
TO TEA, If TOC LIKE.
Mary. " PLEASE, '*, I HAVEN'T GOT ANT FRIENDS. ONLY KNOW YOUNO WOMEN ! "
Our gravity falls below zero ;
When we think of Tibet, it 's the same,
For the papers declare
They 've a Lama out there,
And that MA is the gentleman's name.
At once we imagine a hero
On farcical lines, and we can't
Bring our mirth to an end
As we picture a blend
Of DAN LE\O and, say, Charley's Aunt.
But sometimes, when merriment bubbles
So fast that it cannot be checked,
As I think what a joke
Are these ludicrous folk
With the comical names they affect ;
A doubt will assail me that troubles
The pit of my cynical chest—
Does the West seem at least
As absurd to the East
As the East would appear to the West ?
At the sound of the word MONTMORENCT
Do the Lamas explode in their
mirth?
Do they grin and agree,
As they chortle, that we
Are the funniest people on earth ?
Do the Chinamen's tails in a frenzy
Of merriment wag when they hear
There are Britons who claim
Such a ludicrous name
(And are proud of it too) as DE
VERE ?
316
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
4, 1904.
OUR THEATRICALS.
T E
The Countess "WILL THIS CRUEL WAR NEVUS END? DAT AFTER DA? I WATCH AND WAIT, STILUS-ING EVERY NERVE TO CATOH[THE SOCND or"
TRUMPET TIUT WILL TELL ME OF MY WARRIOR'S RETURN. BUT, HAKK ! WHAT IS THAT I HEAR?' '
{Stage direction.—" Trumpet faintly heard in distance." But we hadn't reliearsed tliat, and didn t expLa
the situation quite clearly to the local cornet-player who helped us on the night.
[ ALIEN ! IMMIGRANTS.
[" Oysters are being shipped from Bordeaux
by the million to stock the beds at Ainsdale-
on-Sea, between Southport and Formby, where
the beach is stated to be entirely unpolluted."
— Daily Paper.']
I'M British to the core, hut none can say
I 'm narrow-minded as regards my
eating —
I feed, although I state it, in a way
That'takes some heating.
No edible that's known can vex my eyes
Except the thing all honest gourmets
curse — a
Seductive alien food in English guise,
Or vice versa.
British or foreign, well or underdone,
No pale dyspeptic qualms have I to
smother ;
" All's fish " — so it be definitely one
Thing or the other.
Yet here my gastronomic sense is shocked
By just these very blatant masque-
raders —
Our English oyster-beds are being
stocked
With French invaders !
For, were I asked to state the thing above
All else that fills my soul with satis-
faction,
I'd name the home-bred bivalve — this I
love
Most to distraction.
So now in sheer despair I grind my
teeth;
No more, as supper nears, my mouth
grows moister ;
Why can't I have, upon my native heath,
My native oyster ?
" FIRST-RATE INVESTMENT." — The Prince
of WALES formally invested the King of
WDRTEMBERG — with the Order of the
Garter.
MOTTO FOR MUSIC-HALL PROPRIETORS. —
Sketch as sketch can.
THE STRENUOUS LIFE.
[According to the Daily Mail, Lord SDFFOI.K
who, "during his sojourn with Lord CruzoN in
India, worked hard at amateur theatricals," has
organised a company of seventy amateurs for
the performance of A Country Girl at Charlton
Park.]
WE understand that the young Duke
of HOLYHEAD, who, while aide-de-camp to
Lord CROMER, distinguished himself for
his devotion to ping-pong, has organised
a crusade for the revival of that neglected
pastime in the Potteries.
Lord BOOTERSTOWN, celebrated while
secretary to Lord MILNER for his agility
as a step-dancer, has recently started a
Cake-walk Academy at Banbury.
Lord AIXSY FITZBOODLE, who won the
Bumblepuppy championship at Constan-
tinople when attache at the British
Embassy, has now renounced diplomacy
for Bridge, and has been adopted as a
Progressive candidate for the Borough
Council of Pontefract.
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. M\v 4. 1904.
THE ECLIPSE OF VENUS.
YOU COULD DO SOMETHING FOR A YOUNG FRIEND OF MINE,
vr?lS "°n> °OOD EVENING!
A MCE BOY - "
GENERAL MABS (pulling himself together). " SORRY ! BUT I MUST REFER YOU TO THE LATEST ARMY ORDER."
"ffiCer8 t0 86ek ^ * the War Office without *e written consent of the General of Ins district. When an interview is
considered> imle88 ^ are *™* to show
MAT 4, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
319
CHARIVARIA.
ARTISTS are asking angrily who is
responsible for the removal of the
scaffolding which has for so long con-
cealed the Albert Memorial.
" Mme. SARAH BERNHAROT is not likely
to appear at the Adelphi this season
owing to the success of The Earl and
tlie, Girl." Yet there are some who
profess to think lightly of the taste of
our theatre-going public.
One of our leading newspapers, which
published a strong article on the subject
of a certain detective agency, carelessly
printed an advertisement of the same
firm in the same number. It is doubt-
ful which will prove the greater reclame.
250,000 cigars perished last week in
the great fire at Aldgate. It is now
suggested that this was a case of suicide
due to the Budget.
We hear that a mass meeting of chil-
dren is being organised by Our Little
Chicks' League to protest against the
threatened rise in the price of cigarettes.
A remarkable case of a man changing
his colour from white to black is at
present engaging the attention of the
medical profession, and the problem of
finding employment for Englishmen in
South Africa may yet be solved.
Southend has so often been chaffed
for its presumption in calling itself a
seaside town, that we have much plea-
sure in drawing attention to the fact
that last week it required the services of
no fewer than twelve constables to take
an ozone -laden prisoner to the local
police-station.
The inconvenience caused to motorists
by dogs and other pedestrians who get
in their way has long been a crying
scandal. We are therefore not surprised
to hear that a proposal has been made
for the Motor Volunteer Corps to be
provided with a machine-gun.
A Heidelberg Professor claims to have
discovered the Missing Link among the
aboriginals of North Queensland. This
reminds us that devotees of golf strongly
object to a column in the Pall Mall
Gazette devoted to their doings being
entitled " Gossip from the Links."
The latest Entente is between Russia
and England. It is hoped that one
between England and Russia may
shortly ensue.
There is a feeling among the Chinese
that the Russian custom of pulling pig-
. o-
OFFENSIVE FAMILIARITY.
Vvlgar Street Boy (shouting to Master Merton, who is with his Mamma). " HALLO, TOMMY ! "
tails to ascertain whether they are deal-
ing with a real Chinaman or a Japanese
spy presses rather hardly on the inno-
cent natives.
Spring Poets have appeared in such
numbers this season that one or two of the
London District Councils have thought-
fully fixed wire baskets to the lamp-
posts for the reception of manuscripts.
M. DE ROUQEMONT is to ride a turtle at
the Hippodrome. M. DE ROCGEMONT, it
is stated, regards the experiment in the
light of a scientific exposition rather
than as a diversion. Nevertheless, cer-
tain City Aldermen have let it be known
that they consider this as the most dis-
graceful use to which a turtle could be
put.
The statement that one of the many
detectives who have been watching
betting-men in South London was attired
as a clergyman has had the effect of
making the sporting fraternity very
chary of doing business with gentlemen
in holy orders.
" UP RIVER SEASON." — Father Thames
is making himself uncommonly smart to
receive visitors. His locks have been
brushed up. Supplies are already being
forwarded to meet the expected run on
the banks. Ham sandwiches will be
always ready, and Eel-pies are to be had
hot and hot on the Island : thoroughly
digestible and not in the least eel-pie-
sonous. Everyone looking forward to
the L.C.C. steamers, or rather, the L.C.
River steamers.
320
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 4, 1904.
THE PICK OF THE PICTURES.
(For tlie assistance of visitors to tlie Royal Academy Exhibition, Burlington House.)
GALLERY No. I.
3. Portrait of Goscombe John, A.R.A., by
ARTHUR HACKER, a Hacker-demician. Idea
suggested is " Anybody looking ? No ? Then
I '11 just pocket this horn pickle-spoon. I 'm
not to be frightened by a bust covered up with
141
"The
.. Just the very contrast to the above is
Nymph's Bathing-place." The Nymph
objects to sea, or to% being seen, so comes to a
sea-eluded spot and here " in cool grot," de-
nuded in toto, she puts in one toe at a time just
to take the temperature. " A limner then her
visage caught." But where was he in ambush ?
As an artist he would probably be concealed
460. Two girls dance, young lady playimr
harp. Mr. SHRIMPTON'S idea of " True Harpi-
ness."
463. Girl in garden of "the allotments"
looking at some very brilliant vegetables.
"Hallo! who's been painting my cabbages a
bright green?" 'I have," says Mr. ERNEST
(very earnest) WALBOURN.
a cloth to look like a ghost ! "
8. " TV e two. ' By JOHN GRAY. Child and 7 — ~" "-^*^« "~ "u«^* ^, *.„*.,.. *,^ ,
a Donkey. Puzzle— find the other. in some neighbouring brush-wood. Anyway, j 470. To quote the Bard, a propos of
9. " Only so so, thank you." Mr. RUSSELL *^e nymph was an unconscious sitter to Sir j Shaksperian subject, this picture by Hon. JOHN
represents pretty lady as she appeared after a I E- J- foisrm, Bart., P.R.A. COLLIER is one of " Collier's counted bright."
severe Channel passage. 164- " The Open Door." Admirable speci- The brightness represents the brilliancy of the
13. "Under the Red Robe" is SEYMOUR men of draught-manship by G. D. LESLIE, R.A. actresses. The likenesses of Mrs. KENDAL and
KING, looking more like King Seymour than i 17.*- Mr- VAI- C. PRINSEP, R.A., gives us one ELLEN TERRY as the Merry Wives, and of
*lio vivut TUoTTrti- f.t if ;™n-_Di'«~+rt« ™ i,« ;„ ' of his best. "I do applaud thy spirit, VALEN- J BEERBOHM TREE made up as Falstaff are perfect
lie nroohetic SHAKSPEARE. "Hang him, sweet COILIER!" (we substitute
our own epithet for that in the text) on the
walls of tlie Garrick Club.
493. Sea-birds in Stormy Weather. A. lot
of Puffin' and blowin'. J. FARQUHAHSON A
496. T. P. O'Connor, M.P. This striking
the Firbt Mayor of King-sington, as he is. ; of his^best, "I do applaud thy spirit, \
SOLOMON, A., "by wealth of colour indicates TISE •' " as sa'tn tlle prophetic SHAKSPEARE.
the Mayor in possession of plenty of " the ' J77- Four charming ladies, evidently vcv
late for a dance, have dressed hurriedly, and
and Canvas. Perfect. Isn't j nave <luito forgotten that there had been a fall
the
reddy."
14. Sand
°f eoot • The name of the Pa' de quatre in
*^ catalogue is^that of the artist, JOHN DA COSTA.
it by B. W. LEADER, R.A. ? To be shore it is.
20. A Model family sitting to SIGISMUND
GOETZ.
21. Tlie worried Archbishop. ''They've
tied me up with a gorgeous bell-rope, and it 's i a Pa'r
quite put my sermon out of my head !• Can't
say much against ritualism now I 'm associated
with A. COPE (A.)."
50. Tit for Tat. A Judge well hung. Exe-
cuted by GLAZEBROOK.
53. " Caparisons are odorous." Gentleman
in splendid robes looking up at No. 50, and - — j ~
congratulating himself on his own apparel as I eitner painter or politician. But ]
represented by W. W. OULESS, R.A. | Professor has "done him in the eye."
" " Fiat Justitia .' " And here he is : the ! ^14. Heroism. Lady with smashed
188. Here Mr. WALTER HCNT shows both
Twins," he calls it. Glad they 're
»«™ Mr. Joseph Chamberlain at his writing
desk among his papers, a first-rate portrait of
the eminent statesman by the eminent artist,
Professor H. VON HERKOMER, R.A. This is a
new edition of Josephus, with notes. It repre-
sents our orchid customer, with an eye-glassy
stare, difficult to be successfully tackled by
either painter or politician. But here the
. . . , .. s srng
likeness by BACON, A. (quite BACON, Al, not
57.
** • • * «**v v wvv*v*tfl . jvuu. .inn t wy ID , Lilt?
Lord Chief, Justice done to him by A. S. COPE, A.
R* Under examination and not yet plucked.
i " dftimpf} Tiv Tn* Ai "RniTnw
Fowls " claimed by IDA M. .
GAL. No. II.
75. That the First Gal in "Gal. II." is
hypnotised by fear, is transparent to every-
body, as transparent as she is herself (ad-
mirably rendered by FRANK DICKSEE, R.A.),
praying for rescue from Mr. WARWICK REYNOLDS'
fierce tiger "Rajah " which (it is chained up at
No. 77 for the entire season) looks as if he
would come down on her at any moment.
88. Wound up and going strong. Children,
as Mr. GEORGE WETHERBEE saw them, taking
mechanical lambs out for a walk.
89. The story of The Melancholy Maiden,
the Haunted Harpsichord, and the Ghost's head
under the keyboard! Scene from a grim -•«• ••- •»«> ^vo meruituuB, i
musical piece intended, so W. Q. ORCHARDSON, I morning by EDWARD SLOCOMBE.
R.A. sas for " The Lric." 2ftO. Prnfpnanr Uvvvnuvr* „
wounded
stealing stra
„ must be more than merely
0 Connorably mentioned. [Exit.]
524. Regrets; or, The Bare Idea! "Ah,"
says the warrior to THOMAS COWPER the artist
'1 ought to have kept my helmet on."
560. Ecce Signum. Intended for "The
King s Head." tainted by H. WEIOALL.
562. "Where the Marshes meet the Sea"
and very nearly the ceiling. An example of
the very highest art, as it is sky'd. The artist
of this is MONTAGU CRICK, a name suggestive of
iuw* v/i ^jyjin ii_ ittu. J Jit I. liOIO lilt) .r l_ • l_ ^^~o"
• has " done him in the eye." "J® J.61? ^gtest art, as it is sky'd. The artist
leroism. Lady with smashed and c tms ls MONTA°U CRIOK, a name suggestive of
fingers (or has she been picking and I .at ?™, feel m vour neck when you look up
itrawberries?) silently suffering. Per- f lhe teaclung of the R.A. catalogue is
SHANNON, A., intends her for a Baroness W,, moral, as it tells of "better things
ralHin sicm \crmlH K*> atmilav +« +Ko* «.* **DOVe.
O wv/j.iit/0 i j mil-ill i> OUUCilJlii. JTcr-
haps Mr. SHANNON, A., intends her for a Baroness
whose heraldic sign would be similar to that of
a Baronet, i.e. the sanguinary hand ? A painful
mystery.
229. Joan Junior. By JAMES SANT, R.A.
Compare her with what she was as First Gal 75.
Rather an old Gal then. The two together
may be remembered as " The Joans of Burling-
ton House."
267. Gala Day. Punch and Judy show at
the Mansion House. The show is set up at the
end of the Hall. Performance during dessert
to amuse the guests as recorded by W
HATHERELL.
268. Mr. FARQUHARBON, A., has been wool-
gathering with wonderful result.
270. Fine live mermaids, fresh caught this
old
,
R.A., says, for " The Lyric."
91. Isn't this the very picture of the pretty
little girl who, " when she was good she was
wery, wery good," but who, in a temper, is
saying " No ! With these light shoes and this
blue butterfly of a lopsided rosette I will not
go out ! I won't move ! No— I won't ! " And
at that instant clever Mr. KERH (sly dog that
he is) caught the expression and fixed it on
canvas.
95 and 138. '' Venice preserved " for us in oils
by HENRY WOODS, R.A. To quote old song,
" Here 's life in the Woods for me ! "
106. Harvey's Sauce ! or, dearme,! thought
I was Ircing ! Cornered by J. J. SHANNOJ., A.
112. The iMdy in waiting; or, Her late
husband." " Here am I," she says, •' all ready,
with my new big hat and feathers ! Why
doesn't he come to take me out for a walk ?
Never mind. Mr. HUGH DE T. GLAZEBROOK
shall take me." And so he did, evidently,
"Fabula narratur 'DE T.' " GLAZEBROOK.
142. The Sea. A very rough idea cleverly
suggested by E. G. FULLER.
gives us a notable
.
exampleof "Two single genlemen rolled
574. SYBIL DOWIE'S little unwashed
woman ought to take the cake— of soap.
682. "The Blue Pool." Not a game at
billiards but a landscape regarded with a
jaundiced eye by ADRIAN STOKES, who perhaps
wishes us to beware of " The Yellow Peril."
764. Familiar face in this little picture.
It might be less, but, it is Littler, i.e., Sir
Ralph Ltttler C.B., K.C. By BEATRICE OFFOR.
After this "No Offor refused " by the R.A.
769. Fishing boats arrived. Mer Tran-
qudle, a Sea Peace. TERHICK WILLIAMS.
i 782i ,,We are introd"ced by Mr. S. WATSON
(we -follow you, WATSON ") to a gracious lady
delighted with her pearl necklace and charmed
to receive visitors «,K;I<> at jj0. 787, just a few
u t), t — +.v+i »u vj. 4. ntj xy«/-fc uj onretcs-
bury and Talbot." He carries a spare rod, and
the little page-boy had better look out.
281. " Two Belles," by SHANNON, A. Taken
red-handed. Of course they've been irre-
sponsibly flirting, and have got some queer
chaps on their hands.
314. A Corner in Marble, or young ladv
taking it coolly, as seen by C. E. PERUGINI.
331. Sorting subject by BEATRICE OFFOR
H.VE before the race began, and she has nothing
on !
345. The Haunted Fiddler; or, a singing
m his ears. Bv BERNARD PARTRIDGE.
404. Two Tigers preparing for Spring
lime. HERBERT DICKSEE.
423. Irritable gentleman, with cigar, a
speaking likeness (by WILLIAM ORPEN* says
addressing somebody not in the picture " What !
smoking not permitted in the Academy ! Bosh !
Hang me if 1 stand it ! " And they took him
at his word : so here he is, hung.
Ah, she may have a pearl necklace, but i
prefer my (A. P.) GAENETT."
807. Lady and little boy with nets The
picture might be styled "The Transparent Boy,
or Tommy without little Mary." Perhaps
Mr CHARLES SIMS means to show that they are
both out catching butterflies for the diaphanous
boy s supper.
834 London ; the Thames as it ought to
be. A Happy Dream, by W. L. WYLLIE, A.
wf,62- Ili'tle Red Riding- without tlie hood.
Wiiy is this petite cavaliere clad all in red?
Because, answers Mr. HARRIS BROWN "such
is her habit."
We haven't done all, but we " can no more,
though poor the offering be." Plenty left
where these came from. So walk up, walk up,
and see the show, which, on the whole, is
ertamly above an ordinary average
\
MAY 4, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
321
322
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 4, 1904.
MR. PUNCH'S TESTS.
THAT the literary profession is over-
crowded is generally agreed, and it is
likely to become more so unless some
steps are taken to keep down the new-
comers. At the request of the Committee
of the Athenaeum Club and the Society
of Authors, Mr. Punch has drawn up a
number of Entrance-Examination papers,
from which he gives below a selection of
questions. Unless these questions are
satisfactorily answered the candidate
must continue to be a mere barrister or
schoolgirl, curate or civil servant.
DRAMATIST PAPER.
The plums of the writing profession
going now to the authors of successful
plays, it follows that every child would
be a dramatist. Six questions from the
entrance paper for playwrights are sub-
joined, and only on answering four of
them with eclat will the candidate be
allowed to continue at his MS. : —
1. Assumed that your play has been
produced without catcalls, from which
of the following conditions would you
augur most success ?
(a) Sprightliness in the Times ; dis-
approval in the Telegraph.
(b) Sarcasm in the Times ; rapture in
the Telegraph.
(c) W. A.'s confession in the World
that he had slept.
2. Define melofarce. Give specimens
of dialogue proper to (a) musical comedy,
(b) comic opera, (c) melofarce, illustrat-
ing the differentia of each class.
3. Supposing that, having been com-
missioned to write a musical comedy, you
spent eight hours over the plot and
dialogue, how long should it take your
six rhyming confederates to write the
lyrics ?
4. Do you think lyric a good word
to describe these things? Suggest
another.
5. The word "damn " having shown
signs of late that it is losing its old
drawing power on the stage, what would
you substitute ? Confine your selection
to six expletives.
6. Give your reasons for believing
in the need for a School for Actor-
Managers too.
EDITOR PAPER.
Editors are supposed to be born and
not made — their one point of resem-
blance to poets. But Mr. Punch would
have them examined too. Here are a
couple of questions : —
1. Given the need for a circulation-
reviving serial at short notice, state the
order in which you would apply to the
following novelists : —
Mr. FREDERIC HARRISON.
Mr. ANDREW LORING.
Mrs. HUMPHRY WARD.
Mr. G. K. CHESTERTON.
Mrs. WILLIAMSON.
Mr. LE QUEUX.
Mr. HENRY JAMES.
2. Given the need for a special
middle article on anything, in what
order would you apply to the following
ready pens?
Mr. CHIOZZA MONEY.
Mr. HAROLD BEGBEE.
Mr. ANDREW LANG.
Mr. G. K CHESTERTON.
Mr. HENRY NORMAN, M.P.
Mr. BART KENNEDY.
REVIEWER PAPER.
Reviewers similarly are supposed, like
Minerva, to spring into the arena fully
armed, either from Oxford, Cambridge
or Scotland. But here again the ex-
aminer steps in.
1. Say whether in your opinion a
reviewer should learn more from his
author or an author from his reviewer.
Much depends on your answer.
2. Take the necessary discount off
the following phrases : —
(1) Mr. may now be said to have
arrived.
(2) The book bears the mark of dis-
tinction on every page.
(3) This edition is definitive.
(4) A work of genius.
3. Say what is wrong in the fol-
lowing sentence: "Neither Mr. GLAD-
STONE nor Mr. CHAMBERLAIN were able to
completely fool all the people all the
time." What punishment would you
recommend, from your high position as
a critic, for the wretch so abandoned as
to pen such enormities ?
NOVELIST PAPER.
In spite of the overcrowded market,
novelists are continually arriving, like
Ostend rabbits, or leaves in Vallombrosa.
There is now a new novel for every
hour of the day ; there will soon be one
for every minute — unless, that is, the
difficulty offered by these three import-
ant questions is a deterrent.
1. Give some idea of the paralysis of
the art of fiction that would ensue if
Bridge were forbidden by law.
2. The Man with the Single Spat.
Devise a scenario for this title in the
manner of (a) Sir A. CONAN DOYLE,
fb) Mr. CONRAD, (c) Mr. MAURICE HEWLETT,
(d) MARK RUTHERFORD.
3. ELIZABETH is said to have had her
day as a heroine's name. What would
you substitute ?
ART CRITIC PAPER.
Here are two leading questions for
would-be art critics :
1. What is your idea of the terms of
the Chantrey Bequest ?
2. Explain in as few words as possi-
ble the necessity which seems to exist
for every member of the New English
Art Club, however young and intelli-
gent, to paint Mr. GEORGE MOORE.
MUSICAL CRITIC PAPER.
Music plays so large a part in our life
that the exclusion of incompetent critics
is a paramount necessity. By way of
achieving that end Mr. Punch suggests
the following test questions : —
1. Explain who were
(a) The Bonn Master.
(b) The Bayreuth Colossus.
(c) The unfortunate Brabantian
nobleman.
2. Distinguish between JOHANN and
RICHARD STRAUSS, BRAHMS and BRAHAM,
CESAR FRANCK and CESAR GUI, and state
the nationalities of GRIEG, ONDRICEK,
SILOTI, CAMPOBELLO, BROCOOLINI, TERNINA
and GIULIO PERKINS.
3. Did GLUCK write Orphee aux
Enfers, and why do English printers
almost invariably prefer the form GLUCK ?
4. Account for the strange fact that
the same pianist has supplied more than
one firm of pianoforte manufacturers
with testimonials stating that their
instruments were superior to all others.
5. Who observed of an inferior per-
former that he played the easiest pas-
sages with the greatest difficulty ?
A Questionable Habit.
IN predicting the vogue of the ride-
astride skirt the Ladies' Tailor reminds
us that these garments are occasionally
seen in New York and other American
towns, while in Mexico, the Plate River
and the Malay Archipelago ladies all
ride in this style.
It may perhaps stimulate enthusiasm
for this new fashion if we further inform
our fair readers that quite the best set in
the Camaroons, and the smartest women
in the most exclusive circles of Albert
Edward Nyanza, not to mention tout ce
qu'il y a de plus chic among the
Choctaws, patronise this mode of equi-
tation.
Finis Coronat Opus.
"I HAD been completely run down
through overwork and decided to try
, with the result that in a day or
two I was relieved of a peculiar nervous
dread, and I attribute my present ability
to work long hours and: sustain pro-
longed mental effort to the fact that 1
have not yet finished . . . the first half
crown bottle. — Advt. in the " Britisl
Weekly."
THE Primate, interested as he is i)
any Licensing Bill, would do well t'
apply his proposed " tune limit " ver
strictly to sermons. Say, ten minute
from start to finish.
MAY 4, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
323
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
JEFFERSON- HOGG'S Shelley at Oxford (MKTHTEX) is not new.
li first saw light in the New Monthly Magaaina at Kventy
years ago. It was, later, incorporated in ]!"<,<; a
I. 'iff of Mifllry, forming the must attractive
feature in the'book. Tiax.WNY testifies that
"it paints SHKM.F.Y exaetly as I knew him."
To lovers of the poet it is a precious bequest,
bringing close to them the personality of the
genius in his budding time. Before he took to
writing deathless verse, SHELLEY dabbled in chemistry, to the
alarm of his college scout, the detriment of tablecloths, carpet,
and articles of furniture in his newly-furnished rooms at
Oxford. .More than fifty years ahead of electric telegraphy,
nearly a century before telephones and motor-cars, SHEI.LEY.
combining the gift of the seer with the grace of the poet, fore-
i he future of electricity. "What a mighty instrument
it would be," hi> wrote, " in the hands of him who knew how
to wield it, in what manner to direct its omnipotent energies."
/;<//* at Twilight, by HELEN M. BOULTOX I||I:IM:M\XX\ is
a story of such absorbing interest as to hold the reader in
its grip in spite of its being somewhat slowly worked out,
through sordid scenes of domestic tragedy, to the end, when
the deaf heroine, a touchingly simple character, sees "the
joyful home-coming within reach." The author's style is
nervous and incisive, and the characters are drawn in a
masterly manner. The title may be somewhat misleading to
e who, in their light-lieartedness, expect to find in Bats at
Ttrilight a sequel to Cricket on the Hearth, and still more so
to those of a sporting turn who purchase this book in joyful
anticipation of its being the first of a series whereof the
sequels will be Stumps in the Gloaming, Bowlers at Midnight,
and so forth.
In (Ireater America (HARPER BROS.) Mr. COLQUHOUN has
contributed to literature what my Baronite ventures to
predict will be a standard work. Its more than four hundred
88 teem with intimate knowledge of an ordinarily per-
nig subject. Most of us know America, chiefly on the
route between New York and Chicago. With extensive view
Mr. COLQUHOUN surveys the relations of the
Republic, present and prospective, with other
parts of the world. The Monroe Doctrine, as
we know, works only in one direction. No
foreign Power may be permitted to estab-
lish itself newly on the mighty continent domi-
nated by the United States. But the United
States may (and occasionally does) go afield, picking up
the Philippines, protecting Cuba, and putting a spoke in
Russia's wheel in Manchuria. Mr. COLQOHOUN, who has
studied the question on the spot, gives an interesting account
of America's work in Cuba and the Philippines. With
respect to her latest expansion by way of the Panama
Canal he has some weighty remark's. Approving it in the
interests of the United States he perceives in it immense stra-
tegic value to Great Britain. It provides an alternative
mute to liritmh dominions beyond the seas, at present chiefly
•fained by the Mediterranean and Suez Canal, open to
attack all the uay from the English Channel to the Red Sea.
Dealing with colossal interests of intricate and multiform
nature, the book is a model of lucid condensation, conveying
fresh and valuable information on a prominent topic of the day.
- s Husband, by VINCENT BROWN (DUCKWORTH* Co.),
is a dramatically conceived story of a somewhat unsavoury
Zolaesque type; , unequally, but, on the whole, powerfully
written. Not infrequently the author develops a high falutin
style quite out of keeping with the tone of the narrative. To
obtain from the public, as jury, a verdict of "serve him
right " on the fate of the man whom the author is scheming
to sacrifice as victim to the obstinate mad vindictiveness oi
his "hero," is clearly a duty of the. novelist's art; but t<
overdo the besmirching is dangerous; and, brute beast as is
the murdered man, nought but the proof of temporary in-
sanity can excite in us any sympathy whatever with a hot-
headed assassin who mercilessly stabs his sleeping, unresisting
victim. Artistically fine, its chief merit consists in its consci-
entious development of character. Strange that in what may
be considered as part of the lighter relief to the tragic gloom
of the drama we are suddenly remanded of a situation which has
served several French comic dra-
matists as a leading incident in
more than one of their oiitrageous
farces ; for the story of Martin's
father, the seafaring Captain
with two wives, is by no mean*
a novelty to the Palais Royal
school. Be this as it may, there
can be no doubt as to the genius
of the author of A Magdalen K
Husband, nor as to the firm grip
with which this grim, uncom-
promising story holds the
reader.
BARON
DE
M. BOUOIN IN ENGLAND.
No. IV.
"I HAVE seen your Westminster Abbey and I have seen
your St. Paul's and your Thames Embankment, which is
magnificent, but triste to split your heart, and I have seen
the Bank of England and the Tower of London with the
Beefeaters. Aha, I pinch you there. What do you think
the Beefeaters is derive from ? "
It was Bouom who spoke, and his manner was aggressive.
"The Beefeaters," said I, "are derived from — well, isn't
it fairly obvious what they're derived from? There's nothing
very mysterious about a word like that."
" Pinched, my old man, pinched," cried BOUDIN in great
joy. 'Now, I tell you, you think it is British at the back-
bone, that word ; it is because that old gentleman, the
invalide in the funny cap and the red tunic and the big
knickerbockers, because ne have always eaten rosbif or
bifteck a I'Anglaise, because he is therefore an old bouledogue
of the first order, that he is called Beefeater. Not a bit. It
is I, JEAN JACQUES MARIE AUGUSTE BOUDIK, who tell you so."
" Come, come," I said, "moderate your transports. What
is it derived from, then ? "
'It is from a French word, my brave one, from a French
word, and that word is buffetier. And so you see, old cock
of the walk, when you want to have anything really British
you have to get it from France. And it was from France
you get your Norman kings with their noses like beaks of
eagles. Ah, they have jollily arranged you, did they not?"
— and thereupon he skipped about the room and sang a
verse of the " Marseillaise at the top of his voice.
He had got me in a tight place ; for I did not know at the
time that his patent derivation for Beefeater was all moon-
shine, and that the word is as much Anglo-Saxon as anyone
can want a word to be. I was forced to let that pass, but I
was not going to let him off quite scot-free.
"My dear BOUDIN," I said, "seeing that you live in a glass-
house '
"Like a peach— oh, yes, I am like a peach," said he.
"Seeing," I went on, without noticing his interruption,
" that you live in a glass-house, it is not for you to throw
stones."
324
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 4, 1904.
" FLATTERING UNCTION."
Mrs. Noovoriehe. " YES, MY DEARS, I GAVE A HUNDRED GUINEAS FOR THIS GOWK ! PRETTY FIGURE, ISN'T IT ? "
Chorus (after due inspection). " SIMPLY AWFUI. ! "
"Ah, you are going to throw back your stones, are you
not, and break my glass-house ? and the poor peach, she will
die in the cold wind — is that it? "
His flippancy was maddening, but I was determined not to
be put off my point, so I proceeded relentlessly : —
" Doesn't your own nation use plenty of English words ?
How about the higlif and the struglifeur and le five o'clock
for instance? "
"Aha," said he, "you think I am caught a I'improviste?
Not a bit. Your silly three words, ' struggle for life,' we take
them and make them into one, and we give him a feminine "
—he blew me a kiss with the tips of his fingers--" and that
adorable feminine it is struglifeuse. Ah, you have not heard
that? N'importe, you cannot know everything, my poor
friend. And the five o'clock with us is a new word with
a genius of its own, for we can five o'clock at four or at six
o'clock. But, sapristi, I throw you back your stones. Do
you not say yourself that you write under a nom de plume 9
Bah ! you think you talk like a Parisian when you say him,
but you do not. We know not the expression : it is not use
at all. You have invent him to make your aunts and your
grandmothers believe you know French —
" Gently, BOUDIN," I broke in ; " how about ' sportmans ' ? "
" Yes, and how about ' fac.on de parler,' which I see every
day in your Daily Something or other? "
" And how about ' jockey ' ? "
" And how about ' chassis ' and ' chauffeur ' ? There, you
are flambe ; I have beat you. Surrender, my brave one ; tout
est perdu fors I'honneur. You have your honour safe still,
my friend, with the Britannic morgue, but as for me I will
sing you again 'La Marseillaise,' for you have given me
to-day the best cup of coffee you have given me yet, and, by
blue, you are a good fellow, but you do not know your own
English. So now — " and he started off with " Allans,
enfants de la patrie."
" BOUDLN," I shouted to him, "I warn you, if you go on
I must retaliate. I shall sing ' Rule Britannia ' — at least, as
much of it as I can remember." And, as he didn't stop his
French caterwauling, I had to begin. We sang at one another
across the table for about five minutes, and I daresay we
should have been singing still, if my wife hadn't come in
and disturbed us.
IN its review of Sir WILLIAM LEE- WARNER'S Life of Lord
DaUwusie the Standard remarks : — " He was charged with
having .... sown the seeds of that discontent which, under
his predecessor, yielded the harvest of mutiny and rebellion.
It is one of the main objects of the book to show how little
truth there was in this accusation." But surely this is good
labour thrown away. The man who would believe that
DALHOUSIE really left this terrible heritage to his predecessor
would believe anything.
MAT 11, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
325
LAW AND DISORDER.
DISORDER on a " first night " seems to
have reached its climax last Thursday at
Wyndham's Theatre, after the curtain
ha'd fallen on The Bride and Bridegroom,
whose honeymoon thus commenced most
unfortunately. According to report Mr.
ARTHUR LAW'S happy pair would have
gone off merrily enough, with the old
slipper thrown after them for luck, but
for the malevolence of the gods (in the
gallery), envious of BO much human
happiness. So with, one accord they
indulged in the sport of " manager-
bait ing," which, in the theatrical world,
seems to be on a par with " brawling
in church " in the ecclesiastical. Such
disturbers of the piece as these " first-
nighters " ought to be summarily dealt
with at a police-court. Of course rowdi-
ness of this kind can never be lawful,
and in this particular instance both Law
(the author) and Order (which includes
courteously-given free admissions to the
friends of LAW) were undoubtedly on
the side of Sir CHARLES WYNDHAM. In
spite of this stormy commencement, it
is to be hoped that Bride and Bridegroom
will enjoy a happy lune de miel, and that
the " sweet little cherubs " who behaved
in so unangelic a fashion " up aloft "
will in future show themselves to be the
very best of good (gallery) boys, not in
opposition to a known LAW, and heartily
ready to give a hand to " CHARLES his
friend."
A SUGGESTION.
(For Sir A. Ackland Hood's consideration.).
[Conservative Members, according to Mr.
WILLIAM REDMOND, are accused of lethargy, of
party disloyalty, of a sullen resentment against
the legislative proposals of their leaders,
whereas in reality they are merely dissatisfied
with the smoking accommodation.]
0 GENTLE Whips, forbear to rave !
We do not really mean
Disloyalty : we simply crave
My Lady Nicotine.
Yd. always, if we want a whiff,
The smoke-room 's overflowing ;
No vacant chair is ever there,
Nor can mere words describe the air,
So off to clubland we repair
To set our Cubas glowing.
The House itself has many a seat
No Members occupy ;
Long rows of olive desert meet
The wondering stranger's eye.
We promptly go when So-and-So
On Scottish evenings preaches,
While some there are who frankly say,
When others speak they never stay,
But hurry off as soon as they
Have finished their own speeches.
Instead of being plunged in gloom,
If you had any nous
STARTLING !
Young Mr. Noodle at a suburban dance). "On, Miss PETTIFEB, NOT TiKreo
(Persuasively) " Do LET ME PRESS A LITTLE JELLY ON YOU ! "
You'd make the House the smoking-room,
The smoking-room the House.
We all could thus our weeds discuss
In quarters not unpleasant,
Nor would the House be changed, as folk
Might fancy, by this simple stroke,
For things would still all end in smoke
Precisely as at present.
LEST WE FORGET.
(Some Extracts from our " Lapses of Memory "
Correspondence.)
" SYKES " (Portland) writes :— " My
case presents an interesting psycho-
logical phenomenon. As Lady BULLION'S
butler I had cleaned the silver daily for
fifteen years until March 18 last, when
I forgot to put it back."
" COSSACK " (Central Manchuria) says :
-" Our squadron had a unique ex-
perience. Ordered to advance at the
Yalu — a manoeuvre we had performed
correctly hundreds of times at rehearsal
— in a moment of aberration we charged
for No-Go (25 miles to the rear)."
"STATESMAN" (Oldham) asks:— "A
Conservative from birth, a short time
ago I accidentally voted with the Opposi-
tion on a Free Trade motion, and am
now asked to become its Leader. Has a
similar mistake ever occurred in Parlia-
ment?"
" RINO - MASTER " (travelling Hippo-
drome) writes : — " Our lion, holding my
late partner's head in his mouth yester-
day afternoon — forgot to keep it open.
He had never failed in the trick before."
She Stoops to Conquer.
.IRL (18), country, as under housemaid or
honse-tablemaid, where lady would be
, willing to learn. — Scotsman.
326
PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
[MAY 11, 1904.
THE DECLINE OF CHIVALRY.
NOT of the times portrayed by Monsieur MALORY,
When, poising high in air his barber's pole,
Your lusty knight beneath the ladies' gallery
Took a preliminary caracole,
Then went and got himself severely bruised
So as to keep the pretty dears amused : —
Not of the period dimly pre-Quixotic
When, wearing mail for flannel next the chest,
Heroes half gladiatorial, half erotic,
Rode out upon the thing they called a Quest : —
Not of those days I speak, for I have read
How that CERVANTES, cynic, killed them dead.
I speak of other times and other morals,
An age of Tin replacing that of Steel,
When Chivalry declines to hunt for laurels
By charging ponderously, spur at heel,
On deeds of high emprise down Piccadilly
(Unless it wants to look supremely silly).
Doubtless the better sort would gladly nourish
Those notions which occur in ARTHUR'S tale ;
Doubtless Romance might still contrive to flourish,
Changing its knightly for its Daily Mail,
If Woman would but give our modern gallants
A livelier chance to ventilate their talents.
Men ride abroad in rubbered automobiles,
Naked of armour, bar the nauseous smell,
Not bound on any ransom save to owe bills
Contracted by some errant damosel,
So that in Carlton's Halls, superbly gowned,
She may adorn their Dinner-table Round :
But here their service ends. They fain would wrestle
With horrid dragons or a heathen crew ;
Ride ventre-h-terre to help the weaker vessel,
Behaving just as LANCELOT used to do ;
Only you cannot keep it up much longer
When once the weaker sex becomes the stronger.
With nothing left to learn (outside the nursery),
These types of self-contained and virile strength,
Have they, I ask you — kindly take a cursory
Glance at their pictured shapes, three-quarters length,
Exposed, for sixpence, in the social Press —
Have they the air of ladies in distress ?
Believe me, Woman's skin is not so tender ;
She knows, as well as you, her way about ;
Why offer, then, your arm as her defender
When she can manage nicely, thanks, without ?
Why sacrifice your seat in trains or pews,
When she can chuck you from it if she choose ?
And, since the creatures we were taught to cherish
Cease to comply with Nature's holy plan,
If the old Chivalry should shortly perish
Let none that finds it murdered blame the man ;
But write this epitaph for its demise :
Crushed by a woman's boot (men's extra siae). 0. S.
From the "Field."
a ALMON and SEA-TROUT. — Bally-
Furnished COUNTRY RESIDENCE ; nine bed and
Lough Inagh, for £1 per day or £20 per month.
The " nine bed " sounds ample ; but are they at the bottom
of the Lough ? Nothing definite is said about the " bally "
furniture of the Lough, and it certainly has a fishy look.
M. BOUDIN IN ENGLAND.
No. V.
"MY dear BOUDIN," I said to him one morning, "how
comes it that your compatriots, admirable as, no doubt, they
are in many respects, pay so little attention either to the
| requirements of religious observance or to the dictates of that
j morality which is established as a standard in our own
country?"
I was a little annoyed with BOUDIN. He had lately been
becoming rather aggressively French. For instance, he was
; wearing a low collar and a tie tied in a bow with two large
; streamers, a sort of speckled sash, in fact, round his neck.
Besides, he had not expressed what I considered to be a
sufficient admiration for some of the sights I had shown him
and some of the institutions I had explained to him, and on
the whole I thought the time had come when I ought to take
him down a peg.
He looked up at me quickly : —
" What do you drive at ? " he said. " Explain yourself,
my old fellow."
" Oh come, BOUDIN," said I, "you know well enough what
I mean."
" Word of honour, I do not understand a word of what vou
said."
" Well, then," I began very patiently, for I was determined
to keep my temper, "I '11 try to make my meaning clear to
you. You know we all admire and like the French "
"Bah! "said BOUDIN.
"And we realise that they have many great qualities
which —
" which you think you have better and greater your-
selves. Oh, I know you, you English."
— which," I continued quietly, "are necessary to the
progress of our common civilisation. At the same time we
are made painfully aware that our lively neighbour, the Gaul,
does not see eye to eye with us on certain matters which go to
the root of life. He is of a volatile and mercurial tempera-
ment, and is apt in mere carelessness to set at naught those
sanctions of morality and orderly conduct which prevail
amongst ourselves. Of the inner life of religion which
shines so brightly amongst people of the Anglo-Saxon race
he has but little conception, while —
" Oh, thunder ! " shouted BOUDIN, springing from his seat,
" I can no more. My friend, you should write down what
you have said, write it down very careful and correct, and
send it to the Daily Telegraph. They will print it— at least,
provided they have not print it already, for I have read it, I
am sure, somewhere."
" Be calm, BOUDIN, be calm. I am not blaming you for it,
I am only stating facts which really cannot be denied. Every-
body knows that the worship of the goddess Aselgeia is still
very prevalent in France."
I had been reading MATTHEW ARNOLD, and I thought the
quotation would bowl BOUDIN over.
"Oh, go away with your goddess," he said; "I do not
know her. I have not the honour of being presented to her.
She is not in France. And I tell you, my friend, franche-
ment oous m'ereintez with your everybody. Who is this
everybody ? I am one of him, and I deny him. I throw
him into your teeth. What do you, for example, vous qui
m assommez with your disquisitions, what do you know about
morality in France ? "
"•My dear BOUDIN," I interrupted, "I have spent some tune
m Pane."
" Oh I know, read a novel, or you go to the Palais Royal and
you puff with laughter at the play, and you come out and you
make yourself a long face, on so mekncholy, and you say,
bnockmg ! it is shocking.' But what do you know of the life
>f my countrymen? Nothing. You do not know— you would
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— MAT 11, 1904.
A CHOICE OF EVILS.
JOHN BULL. " DOCTOR, I FIND I 'M LOSING A LOT OF STRENGTH IN THIS ARM."
DR. ABN-LD F-BST-H. "H'M— I'M AFRAID WE MUST USE THE KNIFE A BIT ON IT."
JOHN BULL. " THAT 'S RATHER A DRASTIC REMEDY, ISN'T IT ? "
DB. ABN-LD F-BST-B. " WELL, I CAN WRITE YOU OUT A CONSCBIM'ION, IF YOU PREFER IT.'
MAY 11, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
329
not believe — that we respect our fathers,
that we adore and reverence our mothers
— that these fathers and mothers bring
up their children to be virtuous — that,
even if we do not make our looks sad
and our lives black, we are taught to
obey the law and to say our prayers,
and to respect our neighbour, and to be
honourable men. All this you are ignor-
ant of, and then you come and you say
me by heart an article of the Daily
Telegraph about the wickedness of ' our
lively neighbour the Gaul.' Bah, I detest
him — your lively neighbour, the Gaul.
He may go with your remarkable goddess
whose name I will not pronounce, and
they may find a home for them in your
Divorce Court, or in your so moral music-
halls, or—
" Steady, BOUDIN," I broke in, " steady.
Don't you think it is a little unfair to
judge us by our Divorce Court cases ? "
"Ah, you thiuk so?"
" Certainly I do. They are no test of
the real home life of England."
" Well, my friend, if that is so, then
follow your own example and regard
more the home life of France. And,
above all, do not laugh as you did
yesterday at our Prix Montyon for virtue,
or our crownings of rosieres. They are
innocent games, but they show perhaps
more of the real France than your Palais
Royal. And now let us go and pro-
menade ourselves."
CHARIVARIA.
SOME uneasiness is being felt at St.
Petersburg lest the stupid Chinese should
be unable to grasp the fact that the recent
defeat of the CZAR'S troops and capture
of guns was in reality a Russian victory.
The Japanese are gradually rising in
the estimation of the Russians. At the
outbreak of the war they were " Miserable
monkeys," but last week the Novoe
Vremya promoted them to " Venomous
d ' "
It is reported that the United States
Minister at Belgrade has been instructed
by the State Department to resume
diplomatic relations with Servia. It is
realised that if some of the leading
regicides could be persuaded to visit the
St. Louis Exposition they might catch
on as a side show.
Turkey has pointed out to England
and France that it was not consulted
when the recent agreement relating to
Egypt was being negotiated. We
understand that England and France
have replied that this is so.
The Entente continues to grow. A
distinguished French journalist denies
that the English are a Germanic race,
CROSS PURPOSES.
She (thinking of die dogs). " UOLY LITTLE THINGS, AKEN'T THEY ? "
He (alluding to the children). " OH, I WOULDN'T oo IB FAB AS TSAT. BUT PEEHAPS IF Yen
DRESSED THEM DIFFERENTLY "
and declares that the French are our
real .cousins. This must be Love.
The current number of the Fortnightly
Review contains a contribution by the
Poet Laureate modestly described as
' The Wind Speaks."
Imitation snails are to be seen in
many shops in Paris. Over here they are
only to be found on certain railway lines.
" Cannibals attack a steamer," an-
nounced a placard the other day. We
trust it gave them indigestion.
Major MoBniDE, who married Miss
MAUD GONNE, has expressed the hope
•hat their little boy SEAGAN will be the
irst President of the Irish Republic.
We, too, wish the little fellow long life.
Fresh uses are found for motor-cars
every day. Last week one of them ran
into a band at Dewsbury and put four
of the instruments out of action.
A Judge who was trying a case in
which the wife of the defendant con-
fessed to having got thirty-six blouses
and ten hats in eighteen months re-
marked that he himself only bought one
hat a year. A lady points out that he
was silent as to the number of blouses
he purchased during the same period.
An interesting exhibit at the Royal
Academy is a drawing executed by the
artist when he was only sixteen years of
age. Quite a feature of the show, too, is
the number of pictures by artists over that
age which have the appearance of having
been painted by artists under that age.
330
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 11, 1904-
OUR MR. JABBERJEE IN THE FAR EAST.
IV.
In Hon'ble Col. K.'s Eeadquarters-
but nearer Yalu.
I REGRET to report that my aforesaid piebald pony still
exhibits extreme peevishness. For no sooner do I approxi-
mate him than, like King Claudius, "his heels fly up, his
head remains below ! "
Consequently I am curing his doleful dumps by Hon'ble
CHAMBERLAIN'S homocea of putting a self-protective tariff upon
his food imports.
And, seeing that up to date he is of more ornament than
utility, I have rather facetiously christened him " The Sho-ji "
— an Anglo-Japanese jeudesprit by which Hon'ble KHAKI-
MONO, on my explaining it, was so immoderately tickled to
death that he requested leave to incorporate it into his
despatches as his own manufacture.
To which I willingly assented — on condition, of course, that
Punch's copyrights in same were strictly reserved.
Interpreting your kind silence as the tacit consent, I have
now furnished myself throughout with a patent wireless
telegraphing pole, fitted complete in best quality finish, as
per illustrated catalogue.
It is far handsomer than any of my competitors', and
already a going concern; so, as soon as I have completed
a highly intricate private code of my own invention, it will,
I fondly hope, entirely supersede all more hum-drum methods
of communication.
My most favourable hour for dropping aerograms will be
about 5 P.M., and, as you may be aware, in Korea we are
about nine hours faster than Greenwich time. Therefore you
should be upon the tiles of Punch's office punctually between
8 and 9 A.M., when, by lending your ear with even ordinary
attention, I think I may promise that you will not improbably
hear something to your advantage.
Unfortunately, my aforesaid code is still in its embryo, as it
is the matter of difficulty for me always to clearly compre-
hend my own signallings. But you can take it for granted
that a cackling sound, like the thanksgiving hymn of a hen
after safe delivery of a fowl-egg, will mean, either that " All
is quiet on the Yalu," or that "Some important military
movements may shortly be anticipated."
As these are the only two messages permitted to special war-
reporters at present, I shall probably be under the necessity
to cackle till further notice.
Col. KHAK.IMONO, in very quiet gentlemanly circumlocutions,
has intimated that he may be miserably compelled to set up
any indiscreet correspondents as hon'ble cockshots for such
of his recruits as have not yet fired their class in musketry
practice.
So, being at the loose end of my tether and reduced to kill
Time by the fetlock, I have recently, at the invite of some
Korean native gentlemen, taken part in the battue of a tiger.
There is a Chinese saying that the Korean spends one half
of the year in hunting the tiger, and the remaining half on
the vice versd system ; so I was careful, before accepting, to
ascertain that the latter half-season had not yet set in. My
fellow-reporters, who, on my suggestion, were also invited to
share the sport, excused themselves on the somewhat pusillani-
mous plea that tiger-chasing was considered, by all real
Korean sporting-nobs, as a vulgar infra^-dig. pursuit.
After a sleepless night, owing to excitement, I turned out
of my cold snug couch at 4 A.M., since it is only the early
bird that catches the worm in bud, and, assuming the kit of
a Nimrod, sallied forth with my shooting-irons, to surprise
" Mister Stripes," by putting him in the bag.
My manly courage was greatly accelerated by overhearing
the contempt expressed by my fellow sporting-men for their
quarry, whom they accused of abject physical cowardice.
Being unaware that this was a mere fayon de parler to
sustain their pecker, I pressed myself ahead with ardent
intrepidity until I had the unspeakable satisfaction to run
up against the object of my pursuit while hot-busy with
feeding-time in a mountain gorge !
Now, whether my native friends or the tiger were in error
as to which of us was entitled, under game laws, to close time,
I am not to say. I can only affirm that I became a sauve
qui pent on the spur of the next moment, with the devil
endeavouring to harass my unprotected rear and take my
hindmost !
But providentially I preserved my head sufficiently to lead
my pursuer on to the society of my less adventurous com-
panions, and was running like game to my finish, displaying
(so I was afterwards assured by credible eye-witnesses) pheno-
menal proficiency as a sprinter — when suddenly I became lost
to sight and dear to memory in a profound pit hole which had
been insidiously masked in foliage to entrap my formidable
antagonist !
As luck would have it, he failed to notice my compulsory
retirement, and continued his wild career until he was bowled
out by a well-delivered ball from some fellow-tigerslayer.
So, besides severe perforations owing to my descent on
sundry acutely pointed stakes, I had the additional mortifica-
tion of being unable to be present at the death !
However, for consolation prize, and as a proxime accessit, I
was very kindly awarded a couple of claws and one whisker.
I hope I shall not be exceeding the bounds of amenity and
reverie by forwarding these simple trophies of my chase by
Korean Parcels Post to the gracious and cheerful members of
your home circle.
The above-named whisker would, I think, form a rather
splendid egret's feather in the cap (or bonnet) of your
amiable spouse, while the claws, with gold-stoppings, will
make handsome brooches on the shawls of your hon'ble
dearest darlings.
Or rather, as second-hand thoughts are invariably best, I
will reserve my gifts until I can accompany them with a fine
bearskin of own slaying, since I am informed that the bear-
baiting in these parts is even superior to any tiger-stalk.
I am now to narrate a still more shuddering episode :—
A few evenings ago I sauntered out of the camp, in the
Korean get-up of a cloak and tall Welsh horsehair chimney-
pot tile, for private practice on my wireless telegraphic pole.
While endeavouring to send cacklings in direction of
Punch's Office, and being totally unaware that any enemy
was inside my radius, 0 Gemini ! I was unexpectedly accosted
by a large hirsute Cossack sotnia, who demanded in very
rough phraseology the nature of my game !
Being all of a twitter with the apprehension that I might
be mistaken for the Hon'ble Times reporter and shot out of
his hand, I replied that I was simply an orthodox Korean,
engaged in performing my usual evening devotions with the
aid of a portable praying-pole.
But he intimated that this explanation belonged, in his
opinion, to the rat department, and desired me to at once
accompany him to a contiguous Russian officer, or Samovar.
So, perceiving that said sotnia was already in possession of
my scruff of neck, I thought it best to accept his invitation
in the spirit with which it was given.
Thinking that my praying-pole excuse was, perhaps, too
filamentous for the credulity of any superior officer, I trumped
up the more ingenious explanation that I was a native Korean
entomologist, and that it was a native apparatus for capturing
nocturnal lepidopteras, which are notoriously very fine and
large in these localities. Most luckily the Samovar turned
out to be too juvenile and beetle-headed to comprehend the
precise cut bono of my said pole, and proceeded to put some
searching questions to me respecting Japanese tactics and
strategies.
MAT 11, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
331
l K I
']
FIN DE LA 8AISON.
(At a Cercle Anglais. " Le Fiv' o'clock," i.e. Afternoon Tea.)
Britisher. "CoMnto TO THE BALL TO-NIQHT, COCHT?"
Monsieur le Gomte. "Moi, MON CHES? AH, HON. I AM TIRED. I HATE THE AOHE EVERYWHERE. I HATE PLAT THE FOOT-BALL!"
Britisher. "Oooo! WHAT? — FORWARD, HALF-BAOK?"
Monsieur le Comte. " FORWARD ! HALF-BAOK ! PAR EXEHPLE, I AH ' ARBITBE '—HOW ion BAT IT ? — REFEREE ! "
Whereupon I decided to reveal myself as the Civis
Bomanus : " 0 dearly beloved son of a Big White Father,"
I said, " beneath this Korean garbage beats the bosom of a
full-blown British subject. It is contra bonos mores for me
to be guilty of such shocking form as to reveal any prison-
house secrets — even under the persuasions of the wildest
horses." (I had previously observed that he was not in the
Cavalry !) " For I am a special London Press Correspondent."
No sooner had he heard this than he at once commanded
that I should be dismissed, since to question me any further
would be merely attempting to get milk from a ram ! Accord-
ingly I came with peace and honour out of my tight fix, and
carried home my pole in triumph at such a striking testi-
monial from au antagonist to the unswerving secretiveness of
professional war reporters.
You need be under no apprehension, however, that I shall
risk depriving you of my services by any injudicious dare-
devilry, since I am not an Acarus to fly in the face of
Providence and tempt it beyond its powers of endurance !
[Eo. COM. — We breatiie again /]
P.S. — I reopen this to say that I have just heard from my
friend the Bonze that the before-mentioned mountain-shrine,
with adjacent devil-tree, has now been vacated. But, owing
to extremely untidy habits of outgoing'' demon, repairs and
cleaning have cost the pretty penny of yen 25. Bonze would
be willing to act as caretaker and work the oracle for the
weekly stipend of yen 5 — a month's screw to be paid in
advance. Punch idol is now fit for service — but the carver
churlishly refuses to hand it over except for c.o.d. A speedy
remittance will therefore oblige. H. B. J.
OUR ANXIETY BELIEVED. — It was with immense delight that
Mr. Punch read the true explanation of the report that on
last Thursday night his old friend Mr. HENRY LABOUCHERE,
M.P., had "joined the majority." The truth being — Mr.
LABOUCHERE being Truth itself, cela va sans dire, — that in the
division upon Major SEELY'S motion our LABBY went into the
wrong Lobby. Of course on his part it was a Seely mistake.
Anyhow, he is still the right man in the right place, and
long may he continue with us.
THE NEW EOCLESIASTIOAL COMMISSION. — Surely Mr. BALFOUR
has made a mistake in his selection of these new Ecclesiastical
Commissioners. Where there are " disorders in the Church,"
ought they not to be dealt with and prescribed for solely
and only by " Doctors of Divinity " ? Such professionals
would be all " specialists."
332
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
[MAY 11, 1904.
TO THE SEA-SERPENT.
(On his recent reappearance.)
STRANGE denizen of those unbottomed deeps
Whence, having vanished for I know not how long,
You come to ease our minds, and give the creeps
To some astonished mariners at Aolong,
Welcome, thrice welcome ! Tis a weary time
Since last you came, and saw, and sank rejected,
Dourly to welter in obscurest slime,
Where man was not, and you would be respected.
Year after year, with constant ill-success,
You were benevolently spurred to soften
Th' autumnal rigours of the Daily Press,
And were denied — and mocked at — just as often !
Skippers would log you, giving times and dates ;
Foc'sle and quarter-deck combine in witness ;
While picturesquely gifted bo'sun's mates
Described your charms with more than naval fitness ;
But the Great Lubber — bitter shame be his ! —
Blind to the claims of evidence and reason,
Spoke scoffingly of Giant Gooseberries,
And kindred figments of the Silly Season.
So you retired to Ocean's»'oozy floor
To soothe your hundred feet of outraged vanity,
Nor rose, awhile, to she'd the light of your —
May I say — countenance upon humanity.
But now, how sweetly rings the old, old tale !
Men saw a mystic object — diverse fancies
Leaned to a rock, a turtle, or a whale —
When lo ! before their horror-stricken glances
Coil upon coil unwound ; a frightful crest
Craned upwards ; and behold, in girth tremendous,
In length full thirty metres, moved confest
KRAKEN, the Serpent, monstr-ingens-horrendous !
0 KHAKEN, those were men of proven skill
In war's alarms, with minds attuned to slaughter,
Armed with horrific engines, which, at will,
Had blown you skywards from your native water.
Nobly they spared you, tho' I know not why ;
One would have thought that any sporting cap'cn
Would go full steam ahead and have a shy,
Just for the sake of seeing what would happen.
But no such fracas marred the peaceful scene.
You dived beneath the keel, and passed to labb'ord
And they forbore to seek the magazine,
Nor loosed the hungry cutlass from the scabbard.
One cannot wholly blame them for the fact ;
No doubt, if one were placed in their position
One would have done the same ; they may have'lacked
Leave to expend their service ammunition ;
Maybe their spirit thirsted for the shot
Which more prudential counsel deprecated
Fearing that, if they missed a vital spot,
You might have actively retaliated.
And though we feel a soupyon of regret
The chronicle remains ; the world has read it •
And you, great KRAKEN, though uncaptured yet '
Are partially, at least, restored to credit '
Not wholly ; but one never knows one's luck ;
And we may hope, with confident reliance,
That you will soon be comfortably stuck
Or " potted," in the sacred cause of Science.
DuM-DuM.
THE PERILS OF AUTOGRAPH-HUNTING.
[The letter-box of a contemporary having overflowed, Mr. Punch, with
characteristic chivalry, has come to the rescue of the crowded out.]
DEAR SIR, — I am surprised to see that the five-shilling fee
(destined for a hospital) charged by Mr. CHAMBERLAIN for his
. signature is considered high. As an old and keen autograph-
j hunter, I can assure your readers that five shillings is a low
figure. Mr. JESSE COLLINGS asks fifteen, one crown for each
' acre. Yours, &c. A KEEN COLLECTOR.
DEAR SIR, — I have now no objection to say that I have
recently obtained thirty of Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S autographs at
five shillings each, the application being made under a
different alias each time. I sold them in the ordinary way
of business for a sovereign apiece. What I want to know
is, Is this Protection or Free Trade ? Yours, &c.
Z. BRAUNEBERGER.
DEAR SIR, — My experiences in connection with an attempt
to obtain Mr. BALFOUR'S autograph should be interesting to
any student of the manners unhappily obtaining in English
public life. First of all I called at Downing Street in person,
requesting to' see Mr. BALFOUR. I had my autograph book
with me, and intended to save him all trouble. I even had
a fountain pen laid on. But I was denied admittance to his
sanctum on the ridiculous plea that a Cabinet Meeting was
in progress! I then wrote explaining that I had been
treated with some discourtesy, and demanding a signed
reply. I received instead a formal letter signed by a
secretary, whose autograph, I have ascertained, is not worth
the paper it is written upon. I wrote again saying so, and
again renewing my application for the PREMIER'S signature.
Will it be believed that to this letter I have had no reply ?
And Mr. BALFOUH is sometimes called a gentleman. Absit
omen. I am, &c., AtJTOLYCus.
DEAR SIR, — It may be of interest in connection with the
correspondence on the cost of Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S autograph
if I give the price of a few well-known hands on my list :—
£ s. d.
iiOBBY ABEL, plain 006
Ditto, with expression of cordial goodwill 010
Mr. C. K. SHORTER, plain . . .006
Ditto, with denunciation of classic ..003
Ditto, with praise of Sphere novelist .001
Sir WILFRID LAWSON, plain . . ..010
Ditto, with anti-Bung poem . 026
Mr. P. F. WARNER . . . . ! 0 5 0
HACKENSCHMIDT (with translation) . 076
Mr. GEORGE MOORE, plain . 00
Ditto, accepting proposal of a member of
the New English Art Club to paint
his portrait .... 0 0 li
Mr. HAYDEN COFFIN, plain . . . ! 0 10 6
Ditto, with phrase from song . 110
It will be seen from these figures that whereas, compared
with that of some gentlemen, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S figure is high
compared with that of others it is low. I am, &c.,
. DEALER.
"ONLY THEIR Fra "-How frequently the stupid phrase
occurs in reports informing us that "up to the present time
here has been no serious fighting." As if, on the stage of
Theatre of War, there could be any such relief to the
ragedy as comic fighting ! "
MAT 11, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
333
DESPERATE DOINGS AT OXFORD.
(With aeltnou-ledgments to the "Daily Mail.")
SOME sensational letters having reached
this office with regard to the reign of
terror prevailing at Oxford, a represen-
tative of Mr. Punch travelled down to
that classic city last week to collect and
collate information as to the Assassina-
tion Clubs which are alleged to be the
root of the evil.
"Yes," observed a brawny giant
weighing some nineteen stone, as he
lounged in a rocking chair in his taste-
fully decorated
rooms, " there is
no doubt that
assassination is
rampant in Oxford
to-day. As I be-
long neither to the
assassins nor to
the assassinated,
perhaps I may be
taken as an im-
partial and trust-
worthy witness.
The fact is, that
a certain number
of undergraduates
refuse to conform
to the usages of
the University,
and, persuasion
having failed, re-
course has been
had to extreme
measures. The
first serious case
was that of a
Worcester man,
who would insist
on wearing a
bowler hat with
a frock coat.
About six weeks
ago his decapi-
tated head was
discovered in Port
Meadow."
" Great Hea-
vens ! " observed our
" And was no redress obtained by the
deceased Peer's sorrowing relatives?"
queried our representative.
"None whatever," replied the giant
in mournful tones. " You see, owing to
the peculiar jurisdiction of the Vice-
Chancellor — who, by the way, is sup-
! posed to be blackmailed by these secret
societies — ordinary legal procedure is
not available."
" Do you mean to say, then, that if I
were to be kidnapped and flung into the
Cherwell, my murderers, even if dis-
covered, would not be prosecuted ? "
THE UNPROTECTED MALE.
Mother (after vainly offering a bottle to refractory infant). " "EKE, TIKE IT, WILL TEE ! IF
TER DON'T 'URRT UP, I 'LL OITE IT TO THE GENTLEKAN OPPOSITE ! "
representative.
" Can such things be in this so-called
nineteenth century ? "
" Wait till you hear the rest," was the
significant response. " The police were
communicated with, and a guillotine
was discovered in some unoccupied
rooms in Tom Quad. The assassins
were consequently driven to adopt other
methods, and shortly afterwards a
Duke's son, who had rendered himself
conspicuous by the Ipwness of his collars,
disappeared from Balliol. No trace of
his oody was ever discovered, but the
wrecked condition of his rooms follow-
ing on a violent explosion, which shat-
tered all the windows in the college, left
"Certainly not, unless action were
taken under the Rivers' Pollution Act,"
was the unhesitating answer. "But,
as a matter of fact, the odds are a
hundred to one against your remains ever
being recovered. The Assassins have
taken to cannibalism, and hardly a day
passes without an orgy. Yesterday they
roasted the bursar of Keble in broad
daylight, at the foot of the Martyrs'
Memorial, and there is to be a great
Voodoo carnival in Peckwater to-morrow
evening, culminating in the human
sacrifice of four of the most unpopular
smugs in ' the House.' "
"But will there be no attempt to
rescue the victims ? "
cent's, Blues and BO on, and public
opinion is entirely on their side. Per-
sonally, I disapprove of their methods,
especially the practice of torturing the
victims —
" Do you mean to say they torture
them first ? "
"Yes, by dislocating their limbs.
Allow me to show rou," and, suiting
the action to the word, the giant seized
his interlocutor by the ankle and gave
his leg so violent a pull that he incon-
tinently swooned. On coming to he was
conscious of a parching thirst, and feebly
asked for water.
"I'm afraid I've
nothing but
brandy," was the
cordial reply ; "try
and swallow this."
" Thanks," mur-
mured our repre-
sentative, "I think
I could swallow
anything."
A few minutes
later, disguised as
a scout's boy, he
stole from these
haunts of crime,
shattered by his
awful experience,
and ran all the
way to the station,
travelling up to
town under the
seat of a third-
class carriage.
REAL NEWS. —
There were head-
ings in the paper
last week, "New
Antelopes at the
Zoo." "Good
gracious!" ex-
claimed old | Mrs.
MUGGINS, to whom
this was read
aloud, and who
only caught the first part, "did she
elope with a new uncle? What will
the old one do ! "
no doubt that he had been removed by " Not likely ! You see, the Assassins
dynamite." are all leading men, members of Vin-
FROM the Daily Express of April 30 :
" The Devonshire, a fine specimen of the new
heavy but fast type of cruiser, will be launched
at Chatham to-day, and christened, appropri-
ately, by a Devonshire peeress. Her dimen-
sions are . . . ."
But Mr. Punch refuses to reproduce
either the lady's name or her dimen-
sions, which, it is evident, have been
grossly exaggerated. But, apart from
this, he considers that the Daily Express,
in quoting any figures whatever in such
a connection, was guilty of a grave lapse
from its usual standard of good taste.
334
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.
[MAY 11, 1904.
LCI"
NO SENTIMENT.
Romatdie Young Lady. " DOESN'T THIS REMIND YOU OF A SCENE IN SOME EXCITING MELODRAMA WHERE A HEROINE ESCAPES BY A TREE
THAT HAS FALLEN OVER A RAVINE ?' '
Unsentimental Tommy (her cousin, " in the City "). " No FEAR. Bnr, IF I WERE SUPERSTITIOUS, IT WOULD MAKE ME A BIT NERVOUS — IT 's
SO SUGGESTIVE OF A FALL IN ' GRAND TRUNKS ' ! "
CLOTHES AND THE MAN.
[The Tailor and Cutter, in a recent supplement, laid down the law
as to what to wear and when to wear it.]
MY brothers, no longer shall care
And despair
With premature wrinkle
Your forehead becrinkle,
While snowy flakes sprinkle
Your hair !
Those agonised hours when you used to explore,
Uncertain, the depths of your wardrobe are o'er.
The oracle speaks : you need puzzle no more
The problem of what you should wear.
The rules for your toilet here lie
Cut and dry —
They tell you what braces
Are worn for the races,
When boots should have laces
To tie ;
When buttons and spats are a sine qud non,
And ample instruction is given upon
The cut of the collar which gentlemen don
When various relatives die.
Your dress when you marry a bride
They decide ;
Sartorial fancies
For dinners and dances
And river romances
They guide.
A week or two's study will bring you to see
When coats must be " morning," when " frock " and
" D.-B.,"
When taste in the matter of vests may be free,
When its flights must be sternly denied.
They tell you when diamonds you
Must eschew —
Thus, when you are going
To cricket or rowing,
You cannot be showing
Too few ;
But the motorist, borne on petroleum wings,
Is bound to wear dozens of diamond rings,
And of course they are quite indispensable things
For golfer and fisherman too.
The worries that once made you groan
All are flown :
A simple inspection *
Of this or that section,
And lo ! your direction
Is shown.
A very few suits should suffice, say a score,
And it 's not de rigueur, as it has been before,
That each single suit should possess any more
An overcoat all of its own.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, MAY 11, 1904.
A STRATEGIST.
KUSSIAN BEAR (tlily). " RUNNING AWAY ? NOT A BIT OF IT ! I 'M LURING 'EM ON ! "
MAY 11, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
337
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTKD FROM THE DlART OF ToBY, M.P.
HOIIKI- of Commons, Monday, May L'.
So the M.MIKISS is to have his monument.
Settled to-night in one of those carnal
conversations that sometimes conveni-
ently take place between private .Member
and Minister. ST. MinivKi. what a tine
statue //c'd make with All Angels
artistically disposed about a pedestal !
askeil whether PHF.MIEK proposed to move
a vote to cover expenses. PnixcE Aimiuii
modestly replied it was not a matter on
which he could be expected to take
initiative. But, since ST. MICHAEL men-
tioned it, certainly thought course sug-
iv-t<'<l uas desirable.
Members on both sides cheered. All
Kiiglislunen are proud of the MARKISS,
admiring not least his unconcealed con-
tempt for the majority of them. In an
age of .self-advertisement he was scorn-
fully silent. He never bent his knee to
that political liaal the Man in the Street.
Rather he delighted to flout him with
utterance of what came to be known as
blazing indiscretions. Only drawback
to satisfaction in prospect of a statue of
the Victorian statesman lies in appre-
hension of what may be turned out.
We are a great people, mighty in com-
merce. We can colonise. But we can
neither carve nor cast statues. Think of
our Dukes of York, our Nelsons, our
Prince Consorts.
SARK says the only decent modern
statue he ever happed upon in London
for awhile in the square at the
AN EXCEPTION TO THE RULE!
Mr. W-nst-n Ch-rch-11 said that "The late
( 'olonial Secretary had greatly reduced the
• iin.nmt of flogging all over the British Empire.
i( 'lit'ors.) It «vis a question on which the rt. hon.
'itntlcman held very strong rleica." (We
Btrongly suspect thaV.his dislike of flogging is
not of universal application !)
'• Boors ! "
Japanese Maidens. "Abject, moth-eaten, dogs'-earod servants must most unworthily remove
honourable boots of high-born, honourable Mister."
(Mr. W-r suggests that Japanese girls should be provided at the House of Commons to
remove the boots of hon. Members, and replace them with Japanese sandals. This was suggested
to him by his own experiences at Nikko.)
bottom of the Haymarket, by the Athe-
naeum Club. It showed OUTRAM, with
sword drawn, riding to battle — a live
man, a living horse. Passed by a week
later to feast his eyes on the rare spec-
tacle, and lo, it was gone. Too good for
London, it had been captured by Calcutta.
Since then there has been placed in
the quadrangle of Burlington House
WATTS' equestrian statue, a real thing
handicapped by a ridiculous label.
" Physical Energy " it is called, just
as you would write " Black Currant " or
" Gooseberry " on the parchment covers
of pots of jam. Besides, WATTS is not
likely to undertake the MARKISS. So
Common-place will, in the end, take its
revenge over the mighty mind, the keen
intellect, that in public and private
scathed it through more than fifty years.
Yet the leonine head, the massive
figure of the MARKISS, lent themselves
generously to the sculptor's art. There
are men still living who remember Lord
ROBERT CECIL the counterfeit resemblance
of Cousin HUGH, who after the lapse of
half a century sits in his father's old
quarters below the gangway. Tall, slim,
with stooping shoulders, head bent for-
ward to discharge the barbed darts
fashioned by an acrid tongue, DIZZY'S
old foeman of the 60's gave no promise
of the figure which loomed in the sight
of man in the opening days of the twen-
tieth century. We are more familiar
with the great bulk, the colossal weight,
the slow tramp down the corridor, across
the central lobby, reminiscent of an
elephant treading a thicket, solitary,
meditative, unnoticing.
If the chosen sculptor knew the
MARKISS in the flesh, had the genius to
conceive an embodiment of his presence
in bronze, and the skill to realise it, we
should be blessed indeed. But I fear me.
Business done. — A cheery night with
Scotch gentlemen discussing their Educa-
tion Bill.
Tuesday. — Just before five o'clock
this afternoon House justified its ancient
reputation. Since it met for a new week
been steeped in what seemed invulner-
338
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 11, 1904.
' .'• —
M'KENNA AND HIS SUBMARINE ARE RECEIVED WITH A WITHEBIKO FISE.
able dulness. Yesterday it was the
Scotch Members; to-day, on report of
Budget resolutions, talk is of stripped
tobacco and of cigarettes at five a penny.
The House is ever like the sea. At
one moment lulled in deadly calm, the
next, struck by a hurricane, it becomes
a seething cauldron.
It was DON Jos6 who, as Cousin HUGH
in a brilliant speech said, acted the part
of amateur hurricane. At the outset his
position was secondary. It was as the
lather of his son he interposed. Talk
on the Opposition Bench of singular in-
crease in imports of unstripped tobacco
immediately preceding the Budget. More
than twice as much cleared from
Customs last March compared with
same month in last year. By strange
coincidence increased duty put on
stripped tobacco. Fortunate persons
who had (accidentally) commenced with
great energy to strip Custom houses of
unstripped tobacco found themselves
threepence a pound to the good. Another
coincidence was that largest dealer in
unstripped tobacco trade is a member of
DON Josh's Royal Commission.
Putting all these things together,
M'KENNA wanted to know. Brought no
charges against anybody. But there
were the Custom-house figures of 1903
and 1904 ; there was Mr. GALLAHEE, tariff
reform his foible, unstripped tobacco
his forte; there was DON JOSE; and,
finally, there was Son AUSTEN, Chancellor
of the Exchequer.
"What conclusion does the hon.
Member draw?" asked AUSTEN sternly.
" Will he explain a little more fully
his insinuations against me? " demanded
DON JOSE, pale to the lips with righteous
wrath.
No; M'KENNA made no insinuation,
brought no accusation; merely men-
tioned facts and invited explanation.
"Do you bite your thumb at me?"
DON Jos6 insisted.
No, M'KENNA didn't bite his thumb
at him ; did not, in appreciable degree,
bite his thumb at anyone ; stood up
merely as a note of interrogation.
Wanted to know, you know.
The House, filling as by magic, be-
came scene of almost savage excitement.
Cheers and counter -cheers applauded
thrust and counter - stroke. At one
moment DON Jos£ and M'KENNA on their
feet together. Neither disposed to yield.
Later, CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER being
in possession of House, M'KENNA tried
to get in a word. Amid yelling cheers
waved down by CHANCELLOR.
Storm ceased as suddenly as it had
arisen ; Members went plodding through
Division lobbies in succession of divi-
sions.
Business done. — Budget Resolutions
carried through report stage.
Friday night. — Whilst the gallant Jap
stands at grip with the Russ by the
banks of the far-off Yalu River, Mr.
WEIR, seated in the House of Commons,
recalls an episode in his visit to Japan.
When he entered one of the sacred
temples at Nikko, or crossed the threshold
of Palace of the ancient Mikados at Tokio,
there approached him two fair damsels
who lisped, " Boots."
At first, the Member for Ross and
Cromarty, shrewd Highlander though he
be, was baffled. The interval afforded
opportunity of gazing upon the damsels
who, prone on hands and knees, looked
up at him with laughing gaze. Behold,
they were fair.
" Boots," they murmured, drawing in
their breath with that gurgling sound
peculiar to a Japanese when he or she
desires to please.
Then it dawned on Mr. WEIR that on
the sanctity of the temple floor, on the
snow-white purity of the Palace plank-
ing, no earth-crusted boot must press.
In brief, he was expected to have his
boots removed and slippers substituted
before he entered.
Cloud of disappointment gathered
over the brow of SAKK as WEIR recited
the incident to the House. He whispers
to me how, when he and I were in
Japan, we partly shared Mr. WEIR'S
ixperience. We, also, were required to
remove our boots. Service was per-
formed, not by dimpled damsels with
almond eyes and snow-white teeth, but
by our guide or other male attendant.
Birds of a feather flock together. Mr.
WEIR drew the youth and beauty of
Japan, as he fails to " draw " the Lord
Advocate on the topic of trawlers in
lonely inlets of northern seas.
Incident happened in debate on vote
for Houses of Parliament. System of
ventilation discussed, as it has been
annually talked of since the days when
ACTON SMEE ATRTON was First Commis-
sioner of Works. Members talk criti-
cally about ingress and egress of air,
which, as most people know, is driven
through iron lacework concealed under
matting of flooring, and makes its way
out through passages in the ceiling.
Complaint made of its being stuffy,
loaded with microbes.
Mr. WEIR explains it all. The radical
fault that shatters an intricate costly
system of ventilation lies in the boots.
That a subject on which honourable
Member long been accepted as authori-
tative. As House knows from daily
observation, Mr. WEIR, by use of pecu-
liar, delicate hydraulic machinery, pumps
the lower notes of his impressive voice
out of his boots. Effect observed when
Secretary for Scotland, having made
feeble reply to series of searching ques-
tions, takes refuge in silence as
Mr. WEIR puts a fifth. Then is heard
rolling through the ^House^like the
MAY 11, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
339
FIRST IMPRESSIONS.
Father. " WHY, WHAT A LITTLE WOMAN SHE 's GETTING! ! "
Mother. " YES, A VKBY EXPENSIVE YOCNO LADY. SHS osows OUT or ALL HEB FBOOKB."
Dorothy. " MAIOU 's EXPENSIVE TOO. SHE 'a OBOWN OUT OF au PBETTY FBOCI ! "
340
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 11, 1904.
sough 'of "wind ,in the caves of wintry
Staffa, a sepulchral groan, " No answer."
It rises from the level of Mr. WEIR'S
boots. Enlarging on his argument,'Mr.
WEIR shows how fresh air ascending from
the floor comes in contact with boots of
Members and is carried upward to throat
and nostril.
" Why not," he persuasively adds,
" engage the services of two Japanese
girls, who will remove the boots of
honourable Members before they enter
the House."
Two ? What are they among so
many? The matter is a larger one
than Mr. WEIR sketches. It would not
be necessary for every Jack to have his
Jill. But two Japanese damsels to
remove the boots of 670 Members, some
of them Irish, and only one (a naval
authority) with a wooden leg, is ridi-
culously disproportionate. If Mr. WEIR'S
suggestion be accepted, and no doubt it
has been received with a wave of plea-
surable excitement, the damsels must be
brought over in transport ships, like the
Chinese labourers for South Africa.
Under the personal supervision of ALFRED
LYTTELTON, they might live in compounds
laid out in Palace Yard.
Long time since Mr. WEIR was so
popular.
Business done. — Private Members'.
THE WIRE-PULLERS.
IH. — THE MATERIALISER.
JOST as we passed the Dragon in Fleet
Street the driver of our omnibus suddenly
reined in his horses. The cause of the
disturbance was a large brewer's dray
which had come down Chancery Lane
and was trying to take its place in the
stream of traffic going west.
''Nah ven, Bung-'ole," said the bus-
driver, "fink yer goin' to stuff up the
bloomin' road ? "
The speech struck me as terse and
pointed, and I was accordingly not a
little surprised at what followed. An
old gentleman who was sitting on one
of the front seats leaned forward and
tapped the driver on the shoulder.
"No, no," he said, "that 'snot at all
the thing. You must consider your
metaphors. A bung-hole cannot stuff
up a road. Had you said ' bung ' instead
of ' bung-hole ' it might have passed.
But there is a chance for something far
more brilliant. You could have said, of
course in your own inimitable way,
something like, 'Now then, Barrels.
What are you doing out of your cellar ?
The Tuppenny Tub is the place for you.
Your shape would just about fit it.'
Something like that."
"Eight 0, Guv'nor," said the man;
" better luck next time."
During this little conversation" I had
whipped out an envelope and jotted
down a note for my great novel. I felt
that I had found a type which would
ensure its welcome as one of the master-
pieces of the century. My excitement
attracted the old gentleman's attention.
" You are a genius, are you not ? " he
asked.
" Yes," I said.
" Unrecognised ? "
" Practically."
" Not entirely ? "
" Well," I said, "I have an aunt—
" Yes, yes," he interrupted, " I knew
that. But you would like the world to
recognise you? Well, I'm your man.
Nowadays, the genius in literature or
art is the person who can depict life as
it really is. Very few can, so I go about
teaching life to behave as it is depicted.
That produces the same result in the
long run. If I come across a genius
who cannot hold the mirror up to nature,
I hold nature up to the mirror. It 's my
hobby.
"Take, for example, this omnibus-
driver. Nature prompts him to speak
as you heard him speak. Mr. PETT
RIDGE, one of my proteges, would have
him speak more according to the instruc-
tions you heard me give. The ultimate
result of that must be the recognition of
Mr. PETT RIDGE as a very observant
writer."
" Have you many clients ? " I asked.
"Hundreds. But you are wrong to
call them clients. The majority of them
are quite unaware of my existence.
There 's Mr. DANA GIBSON, for instance.
I've done a great deal for him in the
way of cultivating his particular type of
feminine beauty.
" You send out specially trained ladies,
I suppose?"
" No, certainly not. It 's done entirely
with dressmakers' lay-figures. Women
will imitate models, but they will not
imitate one another. I hope soon to
have a couple of dozen genuine Gibson
girls distributed over London, and so
establish the artist's reputation for
fidelity to nature. But my work is
always rather delicate where women are
concerned. I much prefer the other sex.
"I spent a most successful season,
recently, stocking Scottish slums with
Wee Macgreegors. I have devoted quite
a lot of my time for some years to
getting detectives to measure footprints,
smoke shag, and act generally like
Sherlock Holmes. You'll perhaps not
believe me, but there is hardly a man
in the Force to-day who doesn't carry
pocket editions of GABOEIAU and EDGAR
ALLEN POE.
"Art, too. I have peppered the country
with CECIL ALDIN'S popular creations —
parsons who play golf till they are red
in the face with suppressed imprecations ;
huntsmen who sit till the last minute in
front of gigantic game-pies ; vehicles
with no spokes to their wheels. I have
an estate reserved for the rearing o:
trees after the pattern of HERBERT
RAILTON, and in the same artist's interesi
I have laid out heaps of money in white-
washing old iron gates to make them
stand out well against dark backgrounds
If in the near future you happen upon
any rather fat people with their hands
carefully thrust out of sight behind
them, you will know that I have been
giving a little of my attention to Mr.
HASSALL.
" Those are just a few of my favourites.
But I do also a good deal of promiscuous
work that has no application to any
particular genius. I can say without
boasting that there are to-day scores of
Scotsmen about who couldn't see a joke
if you paid them to, and Irishmen who
really do say, ' och ' and ' arrah, be
jabers,' and carry a shillelagh."
" Do you work much out of Engknd ? "
" Not at present, but I hope to extend
my field. In American plantations I
intend to teach the coons that quaint
inquisitiveness which impels them to
spend so much time in gazing with
shaded eyes into space, and I shall also
introduce some dress reforms if I can
get a tailor to supply trousers with one
leg permanently turned up. And I am
thinking of instructing miners in Aus-
tralia and the Klondike in the subtle
pathos of dreaming of home. Now, is
there anything I can do for you ? "
"I am afraid," I said, with hesitation,
" that— that—
"Ah, I see," he said. "You would
rather try and get on without me.
Well, well. Most of them feel that way
— at first. Candidly, I admire you for
it. But I '11 bear you in mind all the
same. Hullo ! — excuse me a minute.
There 's one of Mr. JACOBS' seamen just
come out of Liverpool Street station,
looking as though he were not altogether
at sea in London. I must alter that."
He flew down from the bus, one step
at a time, and that is the last I have
seen of him.
IN the description of the grand foyer
of the recently extended Savoy Hotel it
is mentioned that there is a sculptured
group representing " The Three Graces."
Surely, as appropriate to the restauration
department, there ought to have been
just double the number — symbolising the
graces before and after the three princi-
pal meals of the day, Breakfast, Lunch,
Dinner. Supper being an extra, another
couple of graces would be superfluous.
A GENEROUS FOE. — Pending the com-
pletion of the Russian commissariat the
Japanese have offered to give them
beans, as many as they care to have.
MAT 11, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
341
OPERATIC NOTES.
OPENING night, Monday, May 2, when Don Giovanni, having
already interviewed Manager MESSAOEK and Dr. HANS RICHTER,
is re-presented to us as an
old operatic friend who
has refused to be cut.
Doctor HANS has pre-
scribed, and says no such
operation is necessary. Thus is it that we get the Don
almost to perfection. An excellent performance to a com-
paratively small, though select, audience. " No Royalties "
here : which announcement sounds to joyful musical pub-
lishers' ears like "No Fees." Fraulein DESTINN as Donna
Anna is the first novelty, and, instantly, a great success :
Miss ALICE NIELSEN as Zerlina is the second, about whom
there is too much Gaiety-girlishness. Monsieur RENAUD'B
Don we know and admire ; and as Leporello and Matsetto
Messrs. JOURNET and GILIBERT, always amusing, give us
nothing new, and have forgotten nothing old. As the statue,
who, Uke some weary habitues, nods towards the end of the
opera, Mr. RADFORD is basso-profondly statuesque. With
Dr. RICHTER and his orchestra, including three bands in the
ball-room, no fault can be found.
Tuesday. — Tristan und Isolde. House, never inconveni-
ently crowded, revealed at first the aching void proper to the
pre-prandial hour. Herr BURRIAN and Frau REINL (each a
new and welcome guest at the Garden party) made a pair
of lovers of the robust type associated with Wagnerian
traditions. Yet "mighty and mellow" were mixed in their
singing ; and the great duet of the Second Act, exquisitely
sung in its softer movement, gave them ample scope for
qualities of sweetness and strength not always found
together. Madame KIRKBY LUNN'S most sympathetic render-
ing of the part of Brangane was a pure delight, notably
in that difficult
passage where her
voice breaks in out
of the night upon
the lovers' amorous
session. The climax
of the duet, deli-
vered with those
formal gestures of
the arm which may
also be supposed
to be a matter of
Bayreuth tradition,
Distinguished Soprano hurrying to her destina- must have pene-
tion is accommodated with special train. trated a good way
into the forest, and might easily, without information received
from Detective Melot, have aroused the suspicions of
King Mark. Herr KNUPFER, in the role of that outraged
monarch, enunciated his homily on the proprieties with a
right portentousness. Subsequently Tristan took a most un-
conscionable time in dying; but that was not the fault of
Iferr BURRIAN, who must have wanted his supper. Herr
SCHUTZ, as Kurwenal, enjoyed himself most on the ship,
where his staccato methods recalled the choppiness of a
Channel passage. Herr REISS, as the herd, played his piping
part admirably through the medium of a gentleman in the
orchestra. Here, and on the head of ita conductor, Dr.
RIOHTER, rested the laurels of the evening for a performance,
on their part, absolutely flawless.
Wednesday, May 4. — Fairly good house welcoming return
of MANCINELLI conducting GOUNOD'S Philemon et Baucis;
"Arcades ambo." Gods and mortals are pleased with
Jupiter JOUBNET, but remember Jove PLANOON. Then all
delighted to re-welcome LEONCAVALLO'S Pagliacci, wherein
Fraulein DESTINN distinguishes herself as Nedda. M. SALICWAO
as Canio is good, and SCOTTI'S Tonio, in acting and singiiig,
fine. New scenery sets off PhiUmon, but the gem, Pagliacci,
requires no brilliant setting.
Thursday. — Two magnificent bouquets occupied the Royal
Box until the arrival of their Majesties at about 8.30. Con-
sidering that the KINO and QUEEN had only arrived from
Ireland — after their most successful and thoroughly popular
visit — at 6.30, this, "their first appearance" at the Opera
after their tour de
plaitir must be re-
corded as a genuine
tour de force. An
excellent _perform-
ance of Komeo et
Juliette awaited
them; Mile. SU-
ZANNE ADAMS being
a most sweet sing-
ing and thoroughly
dramatic heroine,
true as a Juliette
should be, without
the single false note
even wherewith to pay the crafty but impressive herbalist
Frbre Laurent (M. JOURNET), as an illegal marriage fee. Once
again we salute our undefeated favourite, Mile. BAUEKMEISTEK,
in one of her most popular impersonations, namely, that
of the highly trained nurse, Gertrude; and M. SALEZA,
who, as Romeo, is as fresh as he was in 1902, when, as now,
Signer MANOINELLI was the bdtonnier. The entr'actes, on this
occasion, occupying less time than usual, the evening was
most enjoyably passed in the society of Messieurs GUILLAUME
SHAKSFEARE, GOUNOD, and company. " Et vive la Compagnie! "
Friday. — Tannhduser. Suppose the Horselberg must at
me time have had its attractions for the hero, but to-night
Herr BURRLAN frankly turned his back on the ballet and a
couple of rather risky tableaux vivants provided for his enter-
ainment. And indeed they manage these things better at
Jie Halls. He was not altogether happy in the scene with
Venus (Frau EOLI), who sang more than respectably but just
«11 short of fascination. As his case became more desperate,
3err BURRIAN'S singing, as distinct from his action, improved
steadily in dramatic power : and he was at his best in the
Third Act, after the Evening Star, which had grown brighter
and brighter at the prospect of being sung to by Wolfram,
had modestly withdrawn.
Fraulein TERNINA as Elisabeth proved that her voice has
Rapid exit of the exile Bomeo-Saleza.
342
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 11, 1904.
lost nothing of its unforced charm, her manner nothing of
its sweet graciousness and dignity. Would that we .had
more of such Visits of Elisabeth, rarer than those of angela !
House fuller (though still fasting) and a touch more appre-
ciative. Enfin, a good week's work for a beginning.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
TJie Life of Frederick William Farmr, by REGISAID
FARRAH (JAMES NISBET & Co.), is an interesting biography
of a distinguished ecclesiastic who, when Canon of West-
minster, was reckoned among the most popular of preachero.
In his outspoken, manly character he somewhat resembled
CHARLES KINGSLEY, though he could not be reckoned among i
the professors of muscular Christianity. As a parish clergy- j
man, FAERAR was energetic and thorough ; a lover of Art ;
indefatigable as author and lecturer at home, in Canada, and
in the States. An ultra Liberal, almost Radical in politics,
he owed his first preferment to the great Conservative
minister DISRAELI, and for his subsequent promotion to the
Deanery of Canterbury he was indebted to Lord ROSEBERY.
Had Dean FARRAB been less courageously outspoken he would
have been a Bishop. But his opinions were considered
dangerous by " the safe side," and the Dean was no Dr.
TRIMMER. The biography lacks an index of reference.
In English history, and in hearts of Englishmen all over
the world, the New Forest lives by reason of two circum-
stances. One, the death of RUFUB ; the other, the choice of
residence by Sir WILLIAM HAJRCOURT, who for
more than a generation has murmured in
the glades round Malwood the impromptus
with which, in ordered speech, he later de-
lighted the House of Commons. Mr. HORACE
HUTCHINSON has written a book about The
New Forest (METHCEN) which does justice to
the alluring theme. Lightly sketching its
history, he saunters around, pointing out its sylvan beauties
and its points of historic interest. In both fields he has been
helped by Mr. WALTER TYNDALE and Miss LUCY KEMP- WELCH,
who between them contribute fifty-four charming sketches re-
produced in colour. Most are charming enough to suggest
framing. But it would be barbarous to divorce them from
the text. My Baronite has the delight of knowing Beaulieu
Abbey, which has for many years found a loving custodian
in the father of our dear JOHN SCOTT-MONTAGU, Member for
the New Forest division. Taking into account all the
architectural treasures handed on to the twentieth century,
Time has bestowed no more beautiful guerdon than Beaulieu.
Of it and of other bits of the ancient forest Mr. HUTCHINSON
chats in charming fashion. People who for divers reasons
cannot visit the New Forest may, thanks to this beautiful
volume, take patches of it home with them.
Of all the books of ready reference commend me to
Bartlett's Concordance to Shakspeare, piiblished by Messrs.
MACMILLAN. Good and satisfactory as is the well-known
compilation of CRUDEN this American production of BABTLETT'S
is better, and far more satisfactory in its completeness.
Frequently hath the Busy Baron, when improving the shining
hour and gathering honey from every petal of the flowers of
literature, to pause in order to verify some quotation, pro-
fessedly Shakspearian ; and to no better authority upon the
subject can he turn than to this work of BARTLE'TT'S, which
was commenced in 1876 and brought out in 1891 ; its latest
edition is dated 1894.
CLARK RUSSELL and JOSEPH CONRAD, A.B.'s both, write books
relevant to the sea, vivid with its colour, whether sleeping in
sunlight or raging in storm. They generally go down to the
sea in ships bound south. In The Way of "the Sea (HODDER
AND STOUGHTON) Mr. NORMAN DUNCAN goes north and west to
Newfoundland. Here is a sea of quite another sort, its
dangers dared by men and boys of a race new to the British
novel-reader. It is the first time my Baronite has come
across work by this author. In descriptions of the North
Atlantic surging round the rugged coast of Newfoundland,
it is magnificent. In dealing with the fisher-folk there are
frequent touches of humour and pathos. The chapter
" Concerning Billy Luff " is a gem of purest ray serene.
The Poets' Corner, by MAX BEERBOHM, published by
HEINEMANN, is an album of coloured caricatures of a daringly
eccentric and utterly bizarre character, which, absurd as they
are, must be as caviare to the general public unacquainted
•with the individuality of the more modern originals.
"Where SHAKSPEAKE, BYRON, or BURNS is caricatured, the utter
absurdity of the picture suffices
tor amusement. The entire col-
lection will no doubt be la\igh-
ingly and tolerantly appreciated
by many kindred spirits among
artists and literary men " in the
know." It would have shown
better taste on the part both of
author-artist and his publisher
had they decided to omit the silly
nursery kind of caricature de-
picting TENNYSON reading "In
Memoriam " to his sovereign.
This is the blot on the scutcheon.
THE
BARON
DE
B.-W.
A FAULT OF COMMISSION.
["The odious practice of touting for orders in Society shows no
decrease. Even young girls increase their pocket-money by 'recom-
mending ' certain firms to their friends." — Evening Paper.}
THOUGH tactfully reluctant to employ the word " affection "
About her present feeling for the writer of the rhyme,
Undoubtedly AMANDA shows a certain predilection
Which rather makes him fancy that the rest may come in
tune.
I'm bound to add, however, — and it nearly drives me frantic —
Whenever I attempt to give my aspiration wings,
And make my conversation sentimental or romantic,
She will insist on talking of the most prosaic things !
I spoke of lyric poetry ; my words were not at all meant
To bear upon the topic which she strove to introduce —
The plain advisability of buying (by instalment)
A " ' Helicon ' — the typewriter for every poet's use " !
" The fire of my emotion " — as I still submit, with deference —
Is not the sort of phrase which leaves you doubtful what it
At any rate, it need not have elicited a reference [means ;
To Somebody's abominable " Putitout " machines !
Already I begin to feel a trifle apprehensive ;
To be with her is pleasant, but I really wonder why
She always talks of bargains — which are far from inexpensive,
Which — here 's the dreadful part of it ! — she wishes me to
buy.
She begs me, and of course I yield ; she smiles — it 's pleasant,
very;
To gain her smile is worth, I know, a lot of sacrifice ;
But why should it assume the form of writing off for sherry —
A rather common sherry, at a most uncommon price ?
Perplexed why dear AMANDA should be bent on my undoing,
1 come across this paragraph — and do not like its sound !
Well, either I must manage to accelerate my wooing —
Or pay a final dividend of sixpence in the pound !
MAT 18, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
343
THOBE persons who doubted the sin-
cerity of Russia's promise to evacuate
Manchuria are looking rather foolish
to-day.
We would respectfully direct the
attention of Frenchmen on the look-out
for a good investment to that of Port
Arthur.
Mr. FOLET, an Irish giant, 7 ft. 4 in.
in height, from Co. Carlow, —
was a visitor in the public
lobby of the House of Com-
mons one day last week ;
but, if the Irish think we are
going to be intimidated into
pi-anting them Home Rule,
they are mistaken.
The observant have noticed
that a different fount of type
has been used for printing the
cover of the Royal Academy
Catalogue this year. We un-
derstand that this was done
as an answer to those critics
who declare that the Royal
Academy never institutes re-
forms.
Sir E. J. PoYNTER, speaking
at the annual dinner of the
Artists' General Benevolent
Fund, made a strong appeal
for funds to help " those who
helped to make beautiful the
homes of many of those
present." The Royal Academy
itself looks after the other
painters.
A proposal to pay Mem-
bers of Parliament has again
been before the House, but
those Members who are in
favour of the innovation would
do well to remember that the
taxpayers might insist on
getting value for their money.
At the same time we do
think that, seeing that the~
CHARIVARIA.
Mr. C. B. FRY, the famous journalist, is
also something of a batsman.
The site originally selected at the
Hague for a Palace of Peace as a
memorial of the CZAR'S proposals, is
called the Bosch. But, of course, the
word may have a different meaning for
the Dutch.
A Corsican mayor and his friends
People who are in favour of increasing
the rates — Motorists.
The report that there are 46,719 total
abstainers in the British Army is wel-
come news, but what grieves recruiting
officers is the number of total abstainers
from the British Army.
Mr. CARNEGIE'S work, The Gospel of
Wealth, has a steady circulation. The
— author has just presented
a copy to Kettering Free
Library.
King PETER of Servia denies
the rumour that he is about
to abdicate. He may have to
do it all the same. He should
not have expelled the Daily
Hail correspondent.
English waiters have been
protesting against being
elbowed out by foreigners.
The grievance is a legitimate
one, but we think the cry,
" We want justice. How long
shall we have to wait ? " an
unfortunate way of putting it.
A member of the Reichstag
has declared that the British
Navy is becoming a danger to
Germany. We sincerely hope
he has not been misinformed
as to its dangerous character.
"LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES."
(Cheerful Pottage in the Life of a Whitsuntide Holiday-maker.)
THE ROYAL COMMISSION ox
CHURCH DISORDERS. — We un-
derstand that inquiry is to be
made as to the " alleged pre-
valence of breaches' among
our Bishops.
London Opinion has been
inviting contributions to "an
open discussion introduced
by SARAH GRAND " on the sub-
ject, " Should Women Emi-
grate???" The rate of
payment offered is no less
Members have to listen to one another, barricaded themselves in a polling booth, than ten shillings per letter. How muni-
some slight compensation should be and flung out of the window the dead ficent after the beggarly two shillings
given to them. I body of a delegate sent to interview a word received by one of our most
I them by the opposition party. In popular writers of magazine fiction !
Sir HESRY CAKFBELL-BASKERMAN, in his England this would be illegal.
speech at the dinner to Mr. F. C. Goru>, p ENTLEMAN or LADY finds chargelewi
omitted to draw attention to the fact vT residence in a fashionable bath during the
that the gifted caricaturist had been The plague of gnats reported from summer for English ConTersstion 1
correctly described as "the most valuable many parts of the country has not yet Adtt. in " Daily Jfevx."
asset of the Liberal Party." invaded Buckingham Palace ; but the We recommend this " situation " to the
Morning Post, in an interesting historical charming authors of The Bath Comedy.
article on the Xicaraguan trouble, re-
Mr. BARBIE'S prowess in the cricket- minds us that at one time the Mosquitos HOUSEHOLD CARVER'S PROVERB. —
field is matter of general knowledge ; actually placed themselves under JAMES " What 's underdone cannot be helped."
but it may not be so well known that THE SEOOXD. (At least, it oughtn't to be.)
TOL. CIXTL. X
344
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 18, 1904.
A HIGH PRIEST OF BACCHUS.
[" Prime Minister's Eloquent Defence of Alcohol."
"Brewers win by 157."
"Mr. Balfour's Tribute to the Efficacy of Drink."
— Radical Headlines on Second Reading of Licensiny Bill,
ARTHUR, they did you wrong, those fools and blind
Who deemed you had no settled views to give,
Who loosely pictured you with open mind,
Constructed like the Danaid's leaky sieve,
Paddling about
In devious pools of philosophic doubt !
They judged too soon ; they had not heard you yet
Upon a theme that closely touched ,vour heart ;
Nor seen you stand with courage firmly set,
And in a voice where Passion strove with Art
Loudly extol
The efficacious charms of Alcohol !
Was this their " Pretty FANNY " ? this the vain
Yo-ung thing they jested at a while ago?
They should have rather dubbed you " Roaring JANE,"
Not from our brilliant naval expert, no,
Not FREDERICK T.,
But after Mistress CAKEBREAD (R.I.P.)
What though about your fiscal point of view
A certain fog at times has seemed to hang ?
No sort of vapour masked the obvious blue
Then when you rose and in a voice that rang
Convinced and clear
Reminded members what they owed to Beer.
Long time among your ranks a vague unrest
Had left you preternaturally bored ;
But now you had that swelling in the chest
Which comes of loyal confidence restored,
And gave it tongue,
Backed by the serried armaments of Bung !
At length you knew, with heart uplifted high,
The awful joy of making up your mind ;
An unaccustomed fire possessed your eye,
Haunted no more by mutineers behind,
Or doubts within,
To mar your jocund eulogies of Gin !
I was not there : I missed that moving scene,
And so was duped by your reported plea
For sober habits and the temperate mean,
Your praise of that financial honesty
Which should occur
Even inside a strict teetotaller !
How could I gather from the literal word
That you were briefed to boom the poisoned cup ?
Yet an impartial Press was there and heard,
And those resumptive headlines show you up
In streams of ink
As England's Champion Advocate of Drink!
===== °'S-
A DISCLAIMER.— Of course it is not absolutely necessary vet
t may be as weU to notify to the less informed portion of the
pubhc that the "PUNCH & Co." mentioned in the recent case
if Siemer v. Duke," before Mr. Justice GRANTHAM, is not in
he remotest sort of way connected with " Mr Punch " the
me and only possessor of that honoured name, whose palatial
esidence m Bouverie Street, Fleet Street, is "the hub of tlio
imverse."
M. BOUDIN IN ENGLAND.
No. VI.
" MY faith," said P>OUDIN a few mornings ago, as he put
down the Times, which he had been studying for some time
with great absorption, "my faith, but he is a great man,
your Mr. BALFOUR. Word of honour, I take off my hat to
him and I make him a reverence of the most humble. He
have piqued me the heart with his speech."
I admit I was pleased, for a good many of us here in
England, I fancy, are rather proud of our BALFOUR and think
him a striking statesman of sagacious and highly disinterested
principles. The difficulty, of course, is to get a foreigner to
agree with us. Most of them seem never to have heard of
him. I met an Austrian last month who was thoroughly up
in Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, but when I put in a word for ARTHCII
BALFOUR he looked quite blank. I was all the more glad,
therefore, to find BOUDIN so appreciative :—
" Yes, my dear BOUDIN," 1 said, " he really is a great man,
and, besides that, he has a most extraordinary courtesy to
his opponents, a charm of manner which makes people love
him even when they most disagree with him, a kind of
graceful politeness, a je ne sais quoi, which —
" Ah, that is it," cried BOUDIN ecstatically, " I do not speak
of his courtesy so ehevaleresque, nor of his graceful polite-
ness. It is the je ne sais quoi which I mean. You have
said it, my brave, and you have said it in French which is,
by blue, the only language which serves to describe a man so
remarkable."
"Oh, for the matter of that," said I, "I could describe
him in English fast enough, only I thought —
"Yes, you thought, admirable man that you are, that for
me it would be easy if you do it in French. Here, you say
to yourself, is that poor BOUDIN, that Frenchman so ignorant
and so grassier, he will not understand our Mr. BALFOUR in
English; for BOUDIN'S sake I use a French phrase — and,
sapristi, you do it, and it is BOUDFN who is profoundly
touched with what you do for him."
I didn't want to let him drivel along on that line, so I
harked back :
" But, BODDIN," I asked, " what is it that lias struck you so
particularly to-day about Mr. BALFOUR ? "
"Here he is," said BOUDIN, taking up the Times and
adjusting his pince-nez. "He speak about a Licensing
Bill, which, my faith, I do not understand and I do not mix
myself with it, and someone ask him who is to compensate
the widow and the son and the daughter who have been
ruined by the publicans, and he say, 'Sir,' he say, 'these
people are ruined by their gross and criminal self-indulgence.
The fault,' he say, 'lies with the drunkard, with the man
who cannot control his appetites.' And he compare him to
members of Parliament and say the man drink more than
members of Parliament who never drink too much, and he
blame him, word of honour, he blame him for"— he read
this with great deliberation— '" for the lack of manly self-
control which is necessary to resist temptation.' I tell you,
my fine fellow, your Mr. BALFOUR he speak like a pere -noble
in the theatre. Have you ever hear the pere noble speak ? "
" Yes, but how—
" WeU, you know, the pere noble, he has a bald head with
white favourites— that is to say, whiskers -and he has a big
waistcoat beautifully arounded and a thick gold watch-chain,
and he speak the most beautiful things about virtue and
honour and modesty, and he say long tirades very vehement
against wicked men and vice, and oh, but he is a dear little
innocent white lamb this pere noble— and that is, I think,
your Mr. BALFOUR when he speak of the laborious closes and
the lack of manly self-control, and, enfin, all that heap of
nonsense I read to you from the Times."
"My dear BOUDIN, " I said warmly, " I cannot allow you to
x
o
fi
X
s
gi
8
QQ
2
I
ftc
O
•3
MAT 18, 1901.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
347
mpeach the sincerity of our public
men in that way. Mr. BALFOUR —
" Oh, it is not your Mr. BALFOUR alone.
We have them in France, too, these
deputies who think the poor man whose
ife is hard and whose pleasures are not
many, my old fellow — that he shall
always resist, resist, resist, and if he do
not resist the temptation, well, he shall
sink to the bottom of the sea, and we
sliall thank God we have sent there so
poor a type."
"Well, why not? "I asked.
"And you too; et tu, Brute! Make
turn less the temptation, sapristi, and in
the end you make him stronger, the poor
man. But to talk like a pbre noble is to
talk like a ombog, and it is not the less
true because it is I, JEAN JACQUES MARIE
ACGUSTE BOUDIN, who tell you so. Come,
we will go out in Hyde Park, and you
shall tell me innocent stories."
MERE VACUUM.
I WAS conscious of an unusual some-
thing in the air as I walked up the street
to call on MABEL, something between a
motor-car marking time and the bursting
of a waterpipe. Still meditating as to
the cause of the disturbance I came in
view of the house, and my heart stood
still at the sight before me. Through a
turbulent crowd which overflowed the
road into the front garden I caught a
glimpse of a scarlet engine, and through
a cloud of white smoke I saw the fire-
men's hose -pipes trailing down, like
white serpents, from each doomed
window. The vision of MABEL in flames
roused me to frenzy, and pressing my
top hat firmly on my head I dashed
through the crowd and into the open
front-door. The hall and ground floor
were crowded by strange men pulling
at the heavy furniture, or running the
hose-pipes up the stairs, while in the
back-ground, pale and excited, stood
the pretty parlour-maid. I seized her
shoulder and shook it frantically.
" Are they all out!" I cried.
"Lor' no, Sir ! " she said in a startled
voice ; " they 're all upstairs ! "
" Great heavens !" 1 ejaculated, " what
are they doing? — looking after their
jewellery, I suppose." And disregard-
ing the angry glances of the men, who
seemed to resent my remark, I leaped up
the staira to the drawing-room door, and,
flinging it open, stood transfixed by the
sight that met my eyes. MABEL, BERTIE
her small brother, BERTIE'S governess and
MABEL'S mother were sitting serenely
about the room at afternoon tea.
"Isn't there a fire?" I remarked
feebly.
BERTIE laughed aloud, but MABEL,
with her sweet eyes on mine, replied :
"No, it's only the vacuum cleaner at
work."
"DON'T POINT!"
Tommy (remembering hit mother's lecture on the subject).
THAT VEBT KUDK?"
OH, MtiuiY DEAB, ISH'T
MABEL'S mother said : " Really, Mr.
GREEN, you startled me dreadfully ! "
BERTIE'S governess said : "Indeed,
yes." And all the while I was conscious
of the little beast they call Flipsie —
one of those waistcoat-pocket pet dogs,
a cross between a rat and a spider-
making a tour round my boots and
growling diminutive thunder to itself.
I should have married MABEL last
autumn if it hadn't been for Flipsie.
Flipsie rided the house with absolute
authority, and from the first had declined
to look favourably on me or my suit.
MABEL'S motherchose her friends, servants
and tradespeople according to Flipsie's
unerring instinct — and I was weighed
in the balance and found wanting.
" What a marvellous thing instinct
is ! " said MABEL'S mother ; " his intelli-
gence penetrates where ours fails. All
that is hidden from us is laid bare to
him. Do you remember what an extra-
ordinary aversion he had to the green-
grocer— a fair-spoken young man — who
afterwards forged his master's name
and attempted to murder his aunt ? "
At that moment I felt ready for a life
348
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 18, 1904.
<>!' crime myself, but 1 merely asked
\l\in.i, in a low voice if she would show
me the cleaner at, work. iShe rose with
alacrilv, but her mother interposed.
"Humi: will 'l)o delighted to show
you, Mr. GlIKKN."
I fallowed BKKTIK. A man was
wandering up and down, directing the
end of a hose-pipe along l'K' carpet, the
Itfge open mouthed nozzle of which
sucked up all dirt, dust, Huff and
lea l hers, and in fact all unconsidered
trifles thai c.iine in its reach. The man's
aiieniion was somewhat distracted by the
presence of the pretty parlour-maid in
an adjoining room, and presently, after
\\arniui; HKIUII: not to go too near, lie
l> It i ho pipe and went to help her hang
a pair of curtains. No sooner was his
back turned than UKHMK swiftly slipped
an open paper under the gaping mouth
of (he vacuum pipe. I n stantly the paper
v , In ked up with all its contents.
"What's that?" I said.
"Oh, only my night powders," he
replied gleefully ; " now I 'm going to
feteh, that lace collar they make me
wear, and my toothbrush. I say, it 'B a
pity you haven't got yours with you."
As he ran out of the room an idea
struck me which in the sequel led the
ua\ lo MAIIKI. and matrimony. Kver
since I left the drawing-room Fli/mir-
had been dangling attentions, as usual,
on my boots my furtive but vicious
kieks only strengthening the bond
between us. The aperture of the pipe
lay upturned on the carpet, sucking in
the air with an uncanny swish. 1
approached my patent leather boot with
l'lif>nic. in attendance nearer and nearer,
till only live inches divided us, and then
1 gave my foot a frantic wrench back to
counteract the horrid pull that suddenly
dragged it — like a steel filing to a
magnet — into the vortex of this domestic
maelstrom. 1 wrenched myself free and
looked down with a strangely beating
heart. Filpsie had disappeared !
Hastening through the door, I upset
BERTIE and a miscellaneous collection
he was carrying, amongst which 1
noticed the governess's pince-nez, a
book of five-finger exercises, and a pat
of soap. I dashed downstairs, hailed a
passing hansom, and tied the scene.
Three days later I received the fol-
lowing message from MABEL: —
" We have lost our darling Fllpaie; he
must have strayed awuy when the
cleaners were here. Our grief seems to
have drawn us closer together, and
Mamma wants you to come to. dinner
to-night, and bring your music. Shesays
that personally she always liked you.
I'cxir darling Flipsie! Yours, MAKEL.
" I'.S. — The vacuum people have writ-
ten most insultingly to Momma, saying
the dirt in our house was so abnormal it
has (pate choked their pipes."
THE LAWS OF CRICKET.
(Jjatest version.)
THE GAME.
T. A match is played between two
sides of eleven ready-writers each. Each
side has two innings and a reserve
supply of pens and ink.
Al'l-OINTMKNT OK U.MI'IKIOH.
II. Before the commencement of the
match two umpires shall be appointed,
one for each end. They must both
write a clear hand and be proficient
spellers.
APPOINTMENT OF MESSENGERS.
III. Before the commencement of the
match twenty-four messengers shall be
appointed, one for each player and um-
pire,to convey copy to the telegraph office.
THE BALL.
IV. The ball shall weigh not less than
five ounces and a half, when filled with
ink. At the beginning of each innings
it must be re-filled.
THE BAT.
V. The bat shall not exceed four
inches and one quarter in the widest
part ; it shall not be more than thirty-
eight inches in length. It must contain
a fountain pen in the handle, like a
sword-stick.
THE PEN.
VI. The pen must not be more than
eight inches in length, and must be
made of some unbreakable substance in
case the ball strikes it. Every player
must carry two.
THE PENCIL.
VII. The pencil must be protected by
a shield over the point. This is known
as a cover point.
THE PADS.
VILI. The pads must be blotting pads.
PLAY.
IX. At the beginning of the match,
and of each innings, the umpire at the
bowler's wicket shall call " Write."
DICTIONARIES.
X. No dictionary or thesaurus shall
be allowed on the ground ; but the
pavilion must be full of them.
ORTHOGRAPHY.
XI. Umpires may be consulted as to
the correct spelling of a word only
when a batsman is out.
THE BOWLER.
XII. The bowler may be allowed to
make notes between the delivery of each
ball. While he is doing so 'the ball
shall be considered dead.
THE WICKET-KEEPER.
X 1 1 1. The wicket-keeper may rest his
writing-pad on the top of the stumps,
but lie must not remove the bails in
doing so.
THE FIELDSMEN.
XIV. Short leg must know shorthand.
THE ROLLER.
XV. The roller is to be used only after
I lie completion of an innings. Players
should place their writing-pads beneath
it in order that the crease may be taken
out of their style.
THE STRIKER.
XVI. The striker shall be out if in
his report of the match he splits an
infinitive ;
XVII. Or if while stepping out to set
down a good adjective he draws his foot
over the popping-crease, and the wicket-
keeper, abandoning his pen for the
moment, stumps him ;
XVIII. Or if he writes " and which ; "
XIX. Or if in running he obstructs
the field by jogging the arm of anyone
who is writing.
WRITER'S CRAMP.
XX. The match shall be considered
drawn when more than four players on
either side are incapacitated by writer's
cramp.
Till'. ANTI-MEAT MOVEMENT.
A GREAT meeting was held at the
Albert Hall on Saturday last to discuss
the subject of national diet, with special
reference to the growing tendency to
abstain from flesh foods, as recommended
by Dr. HA id.
Lord AVEBURY, who occupied the chair,
said that bees, who were man's superior
in almost every department except, per-
haps, banking his own banks he would
remark, in the poet's phrase, were
"furnished with bees" were strict
believers in the HAIO convention, if he
might be allowed a pleasantry. It was,
he would remind them, after office hours.
No bee was ever known to eat a beet-
steak, yet their polity was beyond praise.
M. CAKAMELO, the chef of the Churchill
Restaurant, who spoke under the influ-
ence of strong' emotion, declared that
unless this pernicious habit of low
feeding were to be checked, the most
refined of the arts would perish of
inanition. Only the night before, an
aristocratic party from the Opera came
in to supper and ordered a dish of nut
cutlets. On his refusal to prepare these
ignoble viands, they promptly withdrew
to a vegetarian restaurant in the Strand.
Mrs. ElHLK said that her only objection
to l>r. HAKI'S system was the omission of
goats' milk from the regime. Goats'
milk was an essential to health, although
among the milkers the rate of mortality
was high. This was because they were
not sufficiently padded. Since the death
MAY 18, I'M)).]
PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
Tkxo "0
SUBTLE.
" AREN'T TOC A LITTLE OFF Tom OAME THIS MORNING, MB. SMYTHE'I "
"OH, I'M NOT I'LAYINO THIS MORNINO, MlBS BERTHA. ONLY JUST AMUSING MYSELF."
of the Piccadilly Goat the vital statistics
fur that thoroughfare showed a marked
deterioration.
Mr. B. T. BOSANQCET, who described
himself as a confirmed Fruitarian,
declared that the success of the M.C.C.
Team in Australia was due practically
entirely to their devotion to Plum.
Colonel AuiiED Nurr, the Folk Lorist,
said that he had been browsing upon his
surname for many years with complete
success. Scandinavian mythology, no '
less than the aboriginal legends of1
Northern Australia, pointed to the excel-
lence of the HAIO menu. In his old
home in Brazil, where, he would remind
the company, the NUTTS come from, all
the strongest men were followers of1
HAIO.
Sir (iii.RKRT PARKKR said that, Imperial
ofaeeee l>ein^ one- <>f tin- chief products
ul Canada, In' had recently purchased a
nee in \\Vusleydale, which was
railed by his facetious friends the Seat
ul the Mity. But at the same time he
was far from denying the merits of a
good moose steak.
The Secretary of the Beefsteak Club
said that the dietary of a certain section
of the members was reducing the name
of the Club to the condition of a lucus a
non lucendo. Apart from that the
financial results of the new habit were
most serious. A large number of
members never took anything for lunch
or dinner but what was included in
their table money, and it was impossible
to run the kitchen at a profit on these
terms. The cook had already left
because he was sick of making nothing
but milk puddings, and his successor
already showed signs of lively dissatis-
faction.
Mr. W. R. CREMER, who won the Nobel
Prize for the excellence of his Model
Dairies, said that there was no doubt
that the cow was the best friend of man.
In the season all Society went to Cow'.-s.
(Sensation, during which Mr. CREMER was
whipped and clotted.)
Sir MOUNTSTUART GRANT-DUFF stated
that all his life he had been an im-
passioned botanist, but ho was obliged
to admit that for the manufacture and
chronicling of bonsmott it was impossible
to dispense with a carnivorous dietary.
As CJCSAR remarked in his immortal
work, cibus eorum lacte easeo earne
constat. The imperfect appreciation of
humour which characterised the Scotch
was, in his opinion, due to their exces-
sive addiction to porridge. He noticed
that the best, things were always
said at the tables of the carnivorous
and not at the vege-tables. " I remem-
ber," continued Sir MOUNTSTUART, "at-
tending a vegetarian banquet, at which
the best thing said was, ' When is a
collie dog not a collie dog ? ' the answer
being ' When it is a cauliflower.' When
I related this to GOSCHEN at GEILLION'S
next morning he said, ' Didn't it give
you the colliewobbles ? ' '
At this point the Chairman abruptly
called for a show of hands, which gave
a pronounced majority to the carni-
vores, and the meeting broke up to the
strains of "The Roast Beef of Old
England," tastefully intoned upon the
grand organ.
From the "Jersey Time*."
" The Emperor and Empress to-day unveiled
in the Thiergarten a statue of the Kinperor
WILLIAM I. The Emperor looked wcllainf BIIII-
burnt."
Yes, buttc7ttc/t Emperor?— or perhaps
they were both nicely bronzed.
BY the courtesy of the Admiralty
H.M.S. Buzzard has been anchored as a
permanent guardship of honour imme-
diately opposite the approach to Mr.
Pn iidt '.s offices in Bouverie Street. The
compliment is much appreciated.
pndt wfldL A £raa iwppiTof
* '^ & * i* •% Y ' " " -
tmttAutime'.) I mat
at Cock Botd, London,
which win, for cost of
s) take excorsionists
g-junks. but
that,
yet in sight, to the inconsolable
of an visitors.
v. „ :;-_ :.-_- Even when it does appear on some offing or other, I am
(so iiiimmad that their bombshells are so amateurishly aimed
you are that they fall ludicrously short, to blush unseen in un-
fathi'iiicd o««*n cares. It is true that one cannon-ball did,
•[Ms thaaks • I OB a. nfling jaunt round the Japanese bJockading-junks
k» p»Aee to I bare not yet accomplished this trip, owing to the fact
"had it beat at pmrat, the fleet is not vet in sight, to the incona
in his
v, >.
te*. ^ WM V,
dw «wd» of friendship if it
•• the Co«4d«« Trick?
***» to justify »y*eif! Goad
a iew days since, descend into a goat-sledge which vras
one of the bandstands — but fortunately the
was nnteoanted by any puerile occupant, and the
goat, though severely shaken, ia now able to return to his
ordinary duties.
I am utterly astounded at the temerity of Hon'ble Admiral
MAT 18, 1904.]
?rNn[, OR THK
rjf .\RIV.UM.
TOKO in thus persisting in besieging a
I after being magnanit'
warned by all its W'iing inhabitants
that it is totally hnpngaMMe !
"over, there are innumerable
armour-clad Leviathans lying *mitf in
•<-k*. whir!) arr> fully conn
i B -ia should condescend to
•U-nieanour, to blow
any blockading squadrons into a cocked
<• of the aforesaid Leviathans are
perforated with rather extensive orifices,
•:iB, I am asHurr-'l, is simply to
improve the ventilation between their
Altogether I have the shrewd suspi-
fion that the Japanese officials — with a
•ml for nude Truth which is, I
fear, too characteristic of some Oriental-
ists ! — have been sedulously sprinkling a
peck of dust in the World's eye, by
circulating barefaced taradiddles origin-
ally intended for their own marines !
It is out of the question l|nat I can
waste more of my precious time by burn-
ing daylight in such a mere health-resort.
so I have packed up my traps,' inquired
for my bill, and am now to return to
Korea, where at least there is more going
on of which I can make a copy.
—Have just seen bilL O my
gracious goodness ! Please send me
some more pocket-money iiutanter.
H. B. J.
TUP: POINT OF VIEW.
THE Daily Mnil has arranged with a
number of leading cricketers to telegraph
the point of view of their side after every
day's cricket. Mr. Punch, as usual,
goes further, and has arranged for the
point of view of a great variety of other
antagonists, including some cricketers.
THE LoAM'HiHE Ponrr or VIEW.
The wicket was never good; it was
awful when I was in.
RCMJIBCXJI batted freely.
The ball often b»ke.
C. B. BOAST had no lock.
The grass was green.
I could not get my eye in.
BOBBY CAIN gave no chances.
We drew stumps exactly on time.
A. C. MACXTHES,
Captain.
THE BCMPSHIKE POIXT OF VIEW.
The wicket was superb.
RCMJIBCSJI was very cramped in style.
rain kept off.
0. B. ROAST was very lucky.
MACVYHEX got his eye in at once, but
was bowled by a beauty.
BOBBT CAI* gave several chances.
\\ e were late in beginning.
H. B. Mannar,
Co/'
QUITE EQUAL TO THE OCCASION.
He. "Dos'r TOO EAD ACT
Ske. "CAI'T ronm.
I DOW IBOCT romr !"
I OOW ILL ABOCT YOC."
THB tIACT AMOCrr, WCI I'LL OCAIAVTCZ MT HALT
H) VfM A*
THE MAGISTRATE'S POIST or VIEW.
Three months' hard labour.
THE BCBGLAB'S Ponrr or VIEW.
The magistrate was most unfair.
The policeman was a liar.
I stood in the dock without a quiver.
Three months is absurd !
I shall do it again directly I come out.
THE HtTKTSMAx's Pourr or VIEW.
One of the best runs of the season.
Good scent all the way.
Sir HEAVISTOXE STOGDON unfortunately
fell at a stiff bank and broke bis collar
bone.
At the last moment, I regret to say,
the fox got away.
THE Foi's Ponrr or VIEW.
So tired I can hardly write.
The worst and hardest run I ever
remember.
I am glad to say that one man fell
and was hurt.
At the last moment, when death
seemed certain and not unwelcome, I
escaped.
THE PCBUS HEB'S Porer or VIEW.
The publisher of The Albino Agnostic
is confident that in this book he has
discovered a work of genius worthy to
rank with Feverel of the Freak and
Robert Hetttnear. Never in his ex-
perience can be recall anything to
compare with the friuon which he
experienced on reading, Ac., Ac.
THE SAXE READER'S Ponrr or VIEW.
Rubbish.
" RCSSIAS NAVAL Arfoucmm." — Very
satisfactory we hope. Rather more so than
recent Russian Naval Dw-appointments.
352
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
18, 1904.
THE INTELLIGENCE DEPARTMENT.
First Budding General. ' I SAT, is THAT JOHNNIE ON THE HILL A SCOUT OR A WRETCHED CIVILIAN ? "
Second Budding General. " My DEAR CHAP, DO you TAKE ME FOR A SORT OF SHERLOCK HOLMES ? "
FABLES.
THE giddy fly paused in his circuravolatory exercises..
" It is undeniable," said he, " that the flame of a candle
exerts a powerful fascination. But it is equally undeniable
that to venture too close to it would be the height of folly,
folly from which disastrous consequences would inevitably
ensue. Briefly to review such consequences : I should perish.
My untimely end would effectually wreck all my hopes and
plans for future prosperity ; my home would be desolated,
my family rendered destitute, and I should leave behind me,
in place of an honoured memory, Borrow and shame to the
third generation. Shall I commit a folly so criminal, a crime
so foolish?"
Having soliloquised thus, he entered the flame.
n.
On a certain fine day in India you led a horse to the
water, but you could not make him drink.
So you gave him what for.
Then you tried again, and again you could not make him
drink.
So you cursed his stupidity, and taught him a lesson.
And a third time you tried, and a third time you failed to
make him drink.
Then you spoke with the tongues of men and of angels,
and had not charity. Indeed, you swore most earnestly,
slandering the creature's ancestry and blaspheming his god's.
After which you seized the rein, and, stepping into the river,
tried to pull the brute in, for he was nearly dropping with
the drought of a fervent Indian noon.
I heard the Mugger laugh as he grabbed your leg.
. THE IDEAL NEWSPAPER:
THE Scotsman I ken, for the grocer sends hame
The butter an' eggs wrappit up in the same ;
An' the Times I hae read, for I foun' it, ye see,
Tied roun' a bit paircel I had frae .Dundee.
Wi' sic a wide readin' ye a' maun confess
I ken a wee pickle aboot the warl's press,
But in a' o' my studies I never hae yet
Seen aucht to compare wi' oor Anster® Gazette.
Your Times an' your Scotsman are jist a fair fash
Wi' their politics, furrin affairs an" sic trash,
But as for real news, gin ye 're wishin' to ken
What 's daein' in Anster, why, whaur are ye then ?
Thae ignorant editors ! Likely the loons '11
No mention my speech at the last Pairish Cooncil,
Nor yet my address at the Sabbath Schule Tea,
Nor the bonny bit blessin' waa spoken by me.
Na, na ! Gie me fac's aboot fouk that ye ken,
Nae Kings an' sic craturs, but real livin' men :
The Bailies I 've cracked wi', the Provosts 1 've met —
Gie me my Ideal, the Anster Gazette.
* Ant/lice, Anstruther.
PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI. M« 18. 1IIOJ.
CHANGE OF TASTE.
JOSEPH (the Chef). " DON'T LIKE THE OLD RECIPE. TOO RICH. FAR BET PER WITHOUT ALL
THAT DEVONSHIRE CREAM."
[Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, finding the present constitution of the Liberal Unionist Council too "aristocratic" for his taste, is bringing forward
resolutions with the view of reconstituting the Council on the basis of a fuller representation of the Party.]
' MAY 18, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR IJ IK LONDON CHARIVARI.
355
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM TUB DlABY OF ToBT, M.P.
Howie of Commons, Monday, May 9. —
Occasionally gentlemen below the Gang-
way, who know more of Parliamentary
strategy than their pastors and masters
so;u ini; above it, complain of C.-B.'s tactics
in Parliamentary warfare. All concede he
had a happy thought when he selected
THOMAS Unit to move rejection of
Licensing Bill. The Member for MOR-
n in, a constant attendant on Front
Bench, rarely offers a contribution to
debate. Almost morbidly modest, he is
hard to move from the conviction that
what, lie has to say on any particular
topic is not worth troubling mankind
with. Nevertheless — perhaps conse-
quently— there is none the House would
rather hear than the ex-Secretary to the
Board of Trade, who, as he mentions
for the information of students of Dod,
" commenced working in coal pits at an
early age."
Following the HOME SECRETARY this
afternoon he held in close attention the
largest audience of the sitting. His
deep, musical, Northumbrian burr recalls
a countryman, colleague, and friend who
long since left us. BURT has not the
eloquence that adorned the infrequent
speeches of JOE COWEN. That was a
thing apart. The quaintly - dressed
scholar and man of letters who sat for
Newrastle-on-Tyne through the seventies
was the last of the born orators found
below the Gangway. Another, a con-
temporary who predeceased him, was
P. J. SMYTH.
But though the ex-collier, who has
represented MORPETH these thirty years,
makes no effort at winged flight of
oratory, his speech has excellent literary
flavour, the sentences being perfectly
turned, weighty in argument, informed
by high personal character. The speech
Sut a powerful spoke in the wheel of the
ill on this its first turning.
Business done. — Debate on Second
Reading of Licensing Bill opened. The
Lords busy with Education Bill intro-
duced by Bishop of ST. ASAPH. A pains-
taking, ingenious device to ease the dead-
l<x'k in Wales created by Education Bill.
Right Rev. brother of ST. DAVID'S gave
judicious measure of support. With
the Welshman speaking in the House of
Ixtrds and the Northumbrian addressing
the House of Commons one had flashed
upon him sudden vision of the variety of
race, each with native tongue, who people
a geographically insignificant island.
"What line is ST. DAVID'S taking?"
SARK asked a noble Lord who was quit-
ting the House.
"I am not quite sure," said the ir-
reverent Peer. " As far as I can make
out he is reading in his native tongue
an early Welsh manuscript."
"EXCELLENT LITERABY FLAVOUR."
Mr. Th-m-fl B-rt.
House of Lords, Tuesday. —
" No more that Thane of Cawdor shall deceive
Our bosom interest. Go, pronounce his
present death,
And with his former title greet Macbeth."
Thus the LORD CHANCELLOR. And as
he murmured the words of DUNCAN, King
of Scotland, he unconsciously put on
royal air. The hand imperiously waved
toward Lord CAWDOR conveyed subtle
impression of holding a sceptre.
House generally in state of uproar
unfamiliar in the placid atmosphere.
Noble Lords on both sides cried " Order !
Order!" just as if they were in the
House of Commons, and the gentleman
on his legs was an Irish Member.
Lord M-rp-th follows the Member for Morpeth.
CAWDOB looked round in blank amaze-
ment. What was the matter? Had
they all gone mad ? Had Birnam Wood
untimeously come to Dunsinane? Had
Macduff cried aloud the weird secret of
his birth before receiving the cue ?
CAWDOR really didn't know ; all he was
conscious of was that, he having risen
with intent to say a few words, here was
the whole House at his heels like a park
of hounds, the LORD HIGH CHANCELLOR
mysteriously wagging his head and
pointing at unseen things on the horizon.
As he stood with blanched cheek
staring at demented Thanes, one whis-
pered a word in his ear. Clapping his
hand to his head he found it was true.
In deep thought he had risen from his
I seat without removing his hat. Hence
| this outcry.
" Wouldn't you also like to put up your
umbrella?" a noble Lord sympatheti-
cally whispered in his ear from a back
bench.
A pleasing incident, varying the
austere respectability of the Chamber.
In the Commons it is not an unusual
thing for a Member strolling out to a
division to forget to remove his hat.
The uproar that follows puts in the
shade the emotion displayed by noble
Lords to-night.
Affair brought into prominence pecu-
liar difference between procedure in two
Houses. The LORD CHANCELLOR, though
he draws an additional £5000 a year for
presiding over legislative Chamber, is
not endowed with disciplinary authority.
Had the third Earl of CAWDOR still
been Lord EMLYK, with a seat in the
Commons, his apparition with his hat
on whilst he addressed the Chair would
have been met by stern cry of " Order ! "
from the SPEAKER. All the LORD CHAN-
CELLOR could do was to wave his arms, at
first sight suggesting to the bewildered
Chairman of the Great Western Railway
I the idea of a station porter directing the
shunting of a train.
Business done. — Lord CAWDOR forgets
to take off his hat.
House of Commons, Wednesday. —
Commons had their burst of uproar
to-day. Row in the Lords when Thane
of CAWDOR presented himself in twentieth-
century hat mere murmur by compari-
son. Happened at twenty minutes past
seven. Prince ARTHUR resumed seat
after winding up debate on second
reading of Licensing Bill. House
crowded in anticipation of division.
Feeling of relief at conclusion of three
days' drear debate. Just get division
over in time to slip away and dress for
dinner. Deputy Speaker risen to put
question; found himself confronted by
HERBERT ROBERTS, who had something to
say, its deliverance designed to carry
debate over half-past seven, and so
necessitate resumption at fresh sitting.
356
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 18, 1904.
Members gasped for a moment in
pained astonishment. HERBERT ROBERTS
of all Members, the mildest mannered
man that ever cut in where he wasn't
wanted. The silence, awfiil in its inten-
sity, suddenly broken by anguished
howl. A den of tigers seeing the lions'
dinner carried past their cage, them-
selves apparently forgotten, could not
exceed the roar of the gentlemen of
England at the prospect of their dinner
postponed.
HERBERT ROBERTS faltered, bending
before the sudden hurricane like a sap-
ling in a north-west gale. Members
thinking they had frightened him almost
out of life intermitted their roar. ROBERTS
"STOP, STOP!"
Porter H-lsb-ry stops the Oawdor
(Un-)Parliamentary.
'Mr.
seized opportunity to observe,
DEPUTY SPEAKER —
These were his first and last audible
words. For ten minutes by Westminster
?lock he stood, his lips moving, his
land apparently emphasising argument
or enforcing illustration. He was evi-
lently making a speech, possibly in
Welsh. He might an' he pleased have
apsed into that language or oven worse
vithout rebuke from the Chair. Not
the faintest whisper of his voice rose
ibove the uproar.
At twenty-five minutes past seven
/olonel SANDYS jumped up and said
something in a sentence. No one caught
ts drift ; guessed he was moving the
closure. Deputy Speaker made no sign,
'rince ARTHUR lolling on Treasury Bench,
liscussing with ALFRED LYTTELTON moral
bearing of Chinese labour, seemed in
different to episode that threatenec
upsetting of all business arrangements
Indifference assumed ; eye furtively kep
on the clock. When long hand movec
almost within touch of half-past seven
he rose. Gentlemen of England, stil
howling, varied their note into a wile
cheer of welcome. Then silence whils
Prince ARTHUR moved that " the question
be now put." Put it was, and Members
with parched throats went forth into
the division lobby.
Business done. — Second reading o:
Licensing Bill carried by 353 votes
against 196.
Friday night. — Looking through a
fresh book of " Memories " by Dr. KERR
come upon a. stoiy whose moral wil
recommend it to Major RASCH in his
crusade against long speeches.
One THOMAS THORP bequeathed his
savings to a distant relative on condition
that the legatee should place by his grave-
side a tombstone, preserving his name
for posterity, and throwing in a bit of
poetry. On making enquiry the canny
Scot upon whom fortune unexpectedly
smiled discovered that inscriptions on
tombstones cost so much a word. He
gave instructions to a local artist to
prepare one as short as possible. The
stone-cutter after profound thought
suggested the following : —
Here lies the corp
Of THOMAS THORP.
The legatee, mindful of the condition
of the bequest, but careful for shillings,
spent a sleepless night in effort further
to reduce the inscription. At length
he succeeded, and in a far-off Scottish
graveyard stands at this day a moderately
sized headstone bearing this inscription :
THOHP'S
Corpse.
This triumphantly shows what can
be done in the way of condensation,
whether of speech or writing, if a man
honestly gives his mind to it.
Business -done. — Private Members'.
Startling Occurrence in a Post-office.
DEAR ME. PUNCH,— I am not subject
to hallucinations, and this is what hap-
pened. 1 stood in the spacious hall of a
post-office. Besido me a fellow citi/cu
was transacting business witli an ollicial.
Some slight error occurred, for which
the official was to blame; imagine my
feelings when I heard him pronounce
these extraordinary words to the cus-
tomer : " I leg your pardon, Sir."
Oh, Mr. Punch, Sir, is the Millennium
near ?
Yours in deep respect and agitation,
A PLAIN MAN.
MORE SUSPICIONS.
IT is hinted in the Lobby that Mr. SWIFT
MACNEILL is in possession of information
which gravely affects the character
of the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
An Irish Member chanced to be making
a small purchase at a tobacconist's when
the Chancellor came in, and after buy-
ing a twopenny Borneodora observed to
the assistant, in a markedly significant
manner, "It's a fine day to-day," thus
implying that it might not be a fine day
for the tobacconist on the morrow. The
next day saw the introduction of the
Budget. Mr. MACNEILL, it is under-
stood, will put a question on the paper,
and, save in the highly problematical
case of a satisfactory explanation, will
afterwards move the adjournment.
The energy of Mr. McKENKA is said to
have unearthed another highly suspici-
ous circumstance. The story is that on
enquiring at the Civil Service Stores he
found that on the day prior to the
Budget Mr. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN'S house-
keeper purchased two pounds of 3s. 6d.
tea in place of the one pound she usually
bought. The attention of the Chan-
cellor will be drawn to the growing
practice of forestalling, and to move a
resolution.
Lord LANSDOWNE'S latest indiscretion
will possibly be noticed on the Foreign
Office Vote. Just before the publication
of the Anglo-French Treaty, Mr. WEIR
saw the Foreign Secretary and the
French Ambassador drive up to the
Foreign Office in a hansom. Lord
LiANSDOWNE allowed the Ambassador to
pay the driver. Mr. WEIR says that of
course he does not imply that the sur-
render of British rights in Morocco is a
direct consequence of this, but lie
remarks very j ustly that it is most un-
desirable that an English Secretary of
State should be under financial obliga-
,ions to the Ambassador even of the most
iriendly nation.
On Doctor CLIFFORD'S last visit to
Oxford a reliable informant remarked to
lim that there had been a great increase
n the quantity of firewood supplied to
All Souls College recently. It is believed
hat Sir WILLIAM ANSON, in anticipation
rf an increase in Welsh Martyrs on the
Education question, is trying to corner
he faggot market. As Sir WILFRID
LAWSON observed with a touch of old-
world humour, "His prophets and ours
re both at stake." But, jesting apart,
here are in this case the elements of a
'ery ugly scandal.
FINEST QUALITY FIRST ARCHANGFX
L Wanted, 1 in., 1J in., and 1J in., 8 in. to
1 in. ; must be dry. — Contract Journal.
But surely archangels are always
borougbly well-aired.
MIY 18, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
357
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358
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
[MAY 18, 1904.
THE NEW GAME.
[The papers announce that the Thibetans
were to be seen "firing jingals from a Jong
into our camp." Since reading this the writer
has lost all interest in other and simpler
matters.]
TIME was I cared for cricket, golf,
Bridge, billiards, and ping-pong ;
Cutting a ball to the ropes for four,
Doubling a spade to the sixth or more
When things were going wrong ;
But now I spend my evenings off
In jingal-firing — from a Jong.
Of old I had my hopes of blisa
The coming years would bring :
Lunching at large with a peer or two,
Filling a page in the last " Who 's
Who"—
You know the kind of thing ;
But now my onlySjoy is this —
To fire a jongal from a jing.
Though editors despise my pen,
And saxpences go bang,
Creditors seize my only chair,
Prison authorities cut my hair,
I do not mind a hang :
So long as, every now and then,
I fire a jungle from a Jang.
And, when upon my life you see
The final curtain rung,
With reverent head and on bended
knee
This be the verse you grave for me :
" Here lies unwept, unsung,
All that is left of JONES— N.B.
He fired a jangal from a jung."
BATES.
BATES once told me that when he was
a little boy he invariably took off his
gloves if, on getting into an omnibus or
railway carriage, he found his fellow-
passengers were without those articles
of attire. He did it, he said, out of
consideration for their feelings. I was
inclined to doubt it at the time, never
haying met the class of little boy to
which BATES would appear to have
belonged; but I can quite believe it
now— since I presented BATES with that
continental tobacco-pipe.
I bought it in Milan. Its clumsy
head, made of some sort of imitation
meerschaum, was surmounted by a
hinged lid of metal of equally doubtful
composition. Its wooden stem tapered
off into a cork, which was supposed to
fit into the head, but didn't. The
genius who devised it had, however,
provided for this peculiarity by mooring
the head to the middle of the stem with
a short cable of green cord, adorned
with several tassels. Its mouthpiece
had originally formed part of the horns,
or the hoofs, of some animal or other.
I only smoked it once. If you so
much as attempted to hold it in your
mouth, its weight made your teeth ache
in five seconds. If you held it by the
bowl, it burnt your fingers. If you
held it by the stem, the head at once
dropped off and was brought up by the
cable with a jerk that sent the burning
tobacco all over the carpet. Perhaps
the genius meant you always to smoke
it with the lid shut : but, so arranged,
no person of ordinary lung capacity
could make it draw. And, when it did
draw, the flavour of tobacco was entirely
lost in a combined sensation of over-
heated earthenware and singed horn.
I came to the conclusion, with mature
consideration, that perhaps, after all,
it was not intended for a pipe, but
for a present. Then I thought of
BATES — my dear, polite friend BATES —
and remembered that I had returned
from Italy without bringing him any
little souvenir of my visit.
I presented it to him. "I've had
one pipe out of it," I said, "just to
take some of the newness off, you know.
I thought you wouldn't mind."
"It's really very good of you to
have remembered me," said BATES, as
he carried the pipe away, "very good
indeed — come round some evening."
I went round one evening — perhaps
a week later. I expected that he would
have had a struggle with the thing —
brief but decisive, as mine had been —
and would then have wisely hung it
up over his mantelpiece as a curiosity.
I should also, had it been anyone else
but BATES, have been prepared to
exercise due caution in accepting any-
thing in the shape of a cigar that
might be offered me.
"Now," said BATES, taking the pipe
out of a drawer, as soon as we were
comfortably settled in his den, " now
I'll start. I thought that as you had
been so good as to bring this all the
way from Milan for me it would be
only courteous to wait until you came,
and celebrate the initiatory rites in
your presence. I'm not much of a
smoker, you know."
" Aren't you ? " I said, uneasily ; " in
that case, perhaps —
"What?" asked BATES, filling the
capacious bowl.
"Nothing," I replied. "I thought you
might prefer
"Cigarettes? Nasty things! Give
3 a pipe ! " exclaimed BATES.
me
" I have," I remarked.
"And had a try at it, what?" said
BATES.
" Once," I said. " I wish I hadn't ! "
" Oh, I don't mind at all, my dear
fellow," said BATES politely, as he struck
a light and began puffing away.
I did not want to see him suffer, but
I did not know what more to say. But
somehow BATES got on with the horrible
machine much better than 1 had done.
He grasped it firmly by the stem, and
the bowl did not fall off ; it seemed to
draw beautifully ; he threw back his
head and smilingly blew rings with
every appearance of enjoyment. It was
I who suffered, and I was greatly
relieved when at length he knocked out
the ashes, and, examining the pipe
critically for the fiftieth time, said,
" Thanhs awfully, old man ; it is indeed
very uncommon."
Presently I rose to go, and BATES
accompanied me to the front door. The
gardener was waiting in the hall.
" POTTS," said BATES, "will see you
down the drive, old chap ; it 's rather
dark. Good-night ! "
I was marvelling at the extreme
: courtesy with which BATES treated his
! guests, when POTTS began to talk.
"I've had a rare job all this week,"
he said, " with that there forren pipe
you give to Mas'r BATES. What wi'
piecing it together wi' string, and
blowing shag through it every morning
in the greenhouse to get the taste out of
it, till I were fair sick — I wouldn't take
it on again, no, not if you was to give
me five bob, I wouldn't."
I paid POTTS the amount of his
damages. On the whole I think I
prefer moderately rude people to such
a " pine-apple of politeness as BATES.
TUBEROSES.
[A controversy is now raging in the columns
of the Daily Matt as to why, when the Tube is
full, some ladies are offered seats while others
are not. The statement of one correspondent
that she is permitted to stand because she is
young, pretty, and healthy-looking, has natu-
rally roused resentment in the hearts of those
who hare been offered seats.]
WHEN the Tube is replete,
And there isn't a seat
Each morn as I travel to town,
Some gallant I find,
Judiciously kind,
Who rises and lets me sit down.
I smile, and he raises his hat —
And I publicly certify that
Though a bit over twenty
Of graces I've plenty,
And that's why she's jealous —
The Cat !
It 's an error, forsooth,
To imagine that youth
Is the only essential that pays ;
Why, a babe at romance
Stands a very poor chance
\V hen matched with my womanly
ways.
It's the charms that are ripest
that please,
And I know, as I sit at my ease
In the seats they surrender
With glances so tender,
They 're longing to offer
Their knees.
MAT 18, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
359
OPERATIC NOTES.
Honda;/,
'.). — WAGNER'S
Lokmqn*. — This is a
German night, in
which language the
artists sing, and a
majority of the
audience talk. En-
thusiastic applause
at the end of every
Act. Herr HEROIJ>
as Lohengrin is
somewhat nervous
on his first appear-
ance here, but if
not yet quite " in
it " with a certain
JEAN, fresh in our
memory, certainly
never once is he " a
knight out." Frau-
Two or A TRADE IN PERFECT HARMONY.
Hans Richter conducts Signer MancineUi, }fin DESTINN, rather
and Signer Mancinelli conducts Hans Richter, ' em Kernmadel
before the curtain, to receive the plaudits of for Elsa, is vocally
the audience. and dramatically
perfect. Herr VAN ROOY is powerful in voice and dramatically
villainous in action, as also is his charmingly-wicked co-
conspirator Madame KIRKBT LUNN as Ortrud. Dr. HANS
RICHTER has well doctored the chorus of comically-crowned
aristocracy, who, if not all celibates, show such a rigid regard
for propriety, that, when staying a night or so in the same
hotel—" The Fortress " at Antwerp (we do not recall H)—
with the ladies of the Court, these high-minded noblemen, in
order to avoid the faintest breath of scandal, insist on occu-
pying the left wing of the building, while the charming
Countesses and Duchesses, of various ages and sizes, are all
" in their own right " quartered in, apparently, first-floor
rooms on the opposite side of the building. These titled
ladies and gentlemen observe so stately and dignified a
bearing in their dealings with one another that it seems as
though either they were only the most casual acquaintances,
or their cool manner towards each other, individually
and collectively, was the result of some deadly quarrel. Of
course it may be their artfulness, and the nobles may be in
reality the sliest of gay dogs, and the ladies the most hypo-
critical hussies. But we would rather not think so ; let us
have one illusion left. So excellent, however, is their courtly
tradition of politeness, that in public they are all in complete
harmony. A musical triumph for HANS RICHTER.
Tuesday, May 10. -Tfentrec of Madame MELBA as Juliette
to the Romeo of
M. SALEZA. Happy
Romeo ! The fa-
vourite prim a
donna, as Juliette
writ large, perched
up aloft in her
balcony warbled
her sweet notes,
and inspired M.
SALEZA to rise to
the occasion, which
he did, getting as
far as the balcony
of the verandah.
The Botanical Friar
EGO AND HELMET TRICI--TWO TO OSE LAID. was welj represen-
On retiring Lohengrin (Herr Herold) takes ted. bi' M" JouRX^ I
off his lidmei, and finds that the swan has laid anr' once apain
two to oue on him. Mile. BAUERMEIS TEIt
gave us her inimitable rendering of giddy (.Icrfrtuic, the
sly nurse (distinctly a near relative of that wicked dame
Martlm iu Faust), between whom and old Cupulct, (M.
SiLEZA-RoKEO BETWEEN JlTJETTE MELBA AND JCLIETTI ADAMS.
" How happy could I be with either ! "
GnJBERT) there is evidently something more than meets the
eye. Congratulations to Signor MANCINELLI. Crowded house.
Enthusiastic. QUEEN, Prince, Princess of WALES and Princess
VICTORIA, all evidently pleased : ergo, to quote a portion of
the tag of the ancient but universally popular farce, the
Royal " Box is satisfied."
Wednesday, May 11. — Tristan und Isolde in Three Acts :
done in German. Fraulein TERNINA unsurpassable as heroine ;
Herr BURRIAN as Tristan singing as well as acting first-rate.
Enthusiastic calls : especially for Dr. RICH IKK as representing
company, orchestra and himself all rolled into one. Madame
KIRKBT LUNN a fine Brangane, and ditto for VAN ROOT as
Kurwenal. Herr KNUPFER'S Marke equal to a sovereign.
Friday. — Faust in French, with chorus of Italian army.
Symbolical of Harmonious Alliance. SUZANNE ADAMS a sweet
Marguerite, spark-
ling among the bril-
liants in Mr. RYAN'S
perfectly lovelv
" garden scene.''
Special success of
Miss PARK IN A as
nice little boy lover,
Siebel. MUe.BAUER-
MEISTEB is most wel-
come to us all in her
admirable imper-
sonation of coquet-
tish Martha. Jovial
Monsieur JOUKNET
good, but not devil-
ishly good, as
Mephisto. FAURE
was the great
Mephistop}ieles ; and
'tis difficult, at any
time, to find one
man equal to FAURE.
Signor SCOTTI act-
ing and singing
well as Valentin.
M. DALMORES in
make - up, acting
and singing, a fair
As Telramund — Van Rooy-tooral-looral.
Startling effect !
360
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 18, 1904.
Faust. M. COTREDIL cleverly takes the part of Wagner
GOUNOD knew what he was about when he gave Wagner an
eccentric bit of music and then cut it short ; artful. Under
the safe conduct of Signer MANCINELLI Faust finisher
famously. Crowded house, for Fau.it is an old favourite
very hard to beat.
Altogether, on reviewing the first three weeks of the
operatic season, the Singdicate may certainly shake hands
with themselves at Whitsuntide, when those of their audience
who can do so give themselves a few bars' rest and a change
of air ; and when, for those who can't, the Covent Garden
Management is able to provide both frequent change of scene
and continual change of air.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
Letters from England (SMITH, ELDER) were written by
Mrs. GEORGE BANCROFT, and cover the term during which
her husband, the historian, filled the position of American
Minister at the Court of St. James's. It was
during the late Forties, a period full of social,
^SsESiiX/ literary and historical interest. Under the
d&i*aiB direction of a lively, keen-eyed lady, to whom
everything in the old world was startlingly
fresh, we get vivid peeps of well-known
personages. Among the portraits, lightly
sketched, are those of MACAULAY, the Duke of
CAMBRIDGE in his prime, the Baroness BURDETT-COUTTS, then a
comparatively young thing known as Miss ANGELA COUTTS,
Mr. and Mrs. DISRAELI, Sir GEORGE GREY, Lord MORPETH, Lord
LANSDOWNE, TOM MOORE, and, not least informing, the Prince
Consort. There are many notes of contact with Queen
VICTORIA, then in the full bloom of early married life. My
Baronite is especially delighted with the reference to Lady
SUFFIELD. Belonging to one of the oldest high Tory families,
so opposed was she to innovations that when, consequent
upon the opening of a railway, her letters arrived at seven in
the morning, she would never allow them to be opened till
two in the afternoon. All her life, through mail-coach days,
they had been delivered at that hour, and she was not going
to change her habits because men made railways that ran (so
they said) at the rate of twenty miles an hour. Like Queen
ANNE, Lady SUFFIELD is dead, and has consequently been
spared much suffering in the way of electric lights, electric
trains, motor-cars, and dinner at half-past eight.
To all who are at the present moment interested in
Japanese movements — and who is not? — the Baron per-
suasively recommends the perusal of a little book, brightly
written, by CONSTANCE TAYLER, entitled Koreans at Home
(CASSELL & Co.). The illustrations are both "plain and
coloured " — the coloured individuals there represented being
mostly uncommonly plain. The authoress is an observant
raconteuse, of a ready pen and wit. One among many
striking pictures is that of "An unmarried Korean Boy."
This boy looks like a girl, and his age might be anything
in the 'teens. Now, that one unique individual should be
singled out from among all Koreans seems to imply that
most Korean boys are married, and that this gay young
bachelor, of, say fourteen or thereabouts, is a rare exception
to the rule. The authoress, evidently appreciating his lone-
liness, shows us also a young "unmarried girl," who is
evidently the very helpmate suitable to the aforesaid boy-
bachelor. Early marriages, it seems, are encouraged in
Korea : and, apparently, so also is serious flirtation ; as in
the very same plate is a portrait of a " Kisso or Messenger."
Now what does the name of " Kisso " suggest ? Lip-service.
And if Master Kisso be "a messenger" is it not clear that
lie must be an employe of Korean Kupid? The Baron leaves
the solution of this Korean problem to intelligent English
readers of both sexes. The " Emperor of KOREA " (p. 41), who
looks here like a mechanical doll, may remind not a few of
one of those quaint figures which that excellent ventriloquist,
the late "Lieutenant COLE," used to such amusing purpose
in his highly-popular entertainment. Facing p. 15 is a
delightful portrait of "a Korean Bridegroom," who appears
to have been awakened from slumber rather too early in the
morning, and therefore has had only barely time to don a red
dressing-gown, easy slippers, and to balance a tall-crowned
straw hat, several sizes too small for him, on the top of his
head, before going out into the street. If he be receiving
visitors his attitude towards them must necessarily be very
stiff, as the slightest nod on his part, not to mention any
attempt at a bow or a shake of the hand, would immediately
imperil the position of the hat. Altogether a most amusing
and interesting book.
Messrs. CHATTO AND WINDOS publish Tlie United States
in Our Own Time, appropriately named, since the work is in
form and style closely modelled on JUSTIN M'CAKTHY'S History
of Our Own Times given by the firm to an appreciative world.
Mr. BENJAMIN ANDREWS, sometime President of Brown Uni-
versity, is now Chancellor of the University of Nebraska.
But there is nothing of the Professor in his way of writing.
He is delightfully chatty, teeming with information, telling at
rapid pace the marvellous history of the United States from
reconstruction in 1870 up to the close of last year, which he
notes as the date of expansion. The pages are full of pen-
and-ink portraits, rapidly drawn with skilful hand, of men
whose names are familiar to the British reader. The interest
is increased by some five hundred illustrations, chiefly from
photographs, snapshots of faces and places. A chapter my
Baronite finds of special interest just now is that which deals
with the question of Chinese immigration to California. An
Irish immigrant named KEARNEY led the crusade against his
yellow brother. " The Chinese must go," was the opening
phrase of KEARNEY'S multitudinous speeches, a declaration
that never palled on the ears of the excited mob.
In writing A Race ivith Ruin (WARD, LOCK & Co.),
Mr. HEADON HILL had his eye on a plot for a melodrama for
Drury Lane or for the Adelphi, should the management of
the latter theatre determine upon returning to its old line
of business. Here in this novel is miching malecho with a
vengeance, and matter sufficient for, say, quite a couple of
thorough-going melodramas of the deepest dye, with the
possibility of more than one powerful sensation scene, which
would give the stage-manager, the scene-painter and the
mechanist some fine opportunities. As to actors' chances,
they are innumerable. From the experienced Romance and
Novel Reader's point of view, which is also that of the astute
" Skipper," the one serious fault in this melodramatic work
is that the shadows of coming events are too clearly cast
before them. By those virgin minds, however, that still
retain their pristine innocence of all criminal procedure and
proceedings, the sufferings of the victims, the energy of the
good, the wiles of the villains,
and the dodgery of the detec-
ives, will be found matter
ixciting enough to keep their
ittention awake long after the
lour of bed-time has sounded.
3ut for " nous autres " o'est
vieux jeu. By the way, there is
a vieux jeu in it, who is as ex-
eptionally good a character as
ie kindly old Mr. Riah in Our
Mutual Friend, who was intended
)y DICKENS as a set-off against
he villainous Fagin.
THE
BARON
M\Y 25, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
301
M. BOUDIN IN ENGLAND.
No. VII.
AVi; worn walking, Bornis and I. the other day in Piccadilly
just where that street begins its slope westward from Devon-
shire- House.
" ( 'onic, UOUDIN," said I, "you must admit tha^a street like
this is hard to beat. Of course I know what you'll say—
"Then 1 will not say it," lie broke in. "It is stupid like
a mutton to say something when the other man he know it
before yon say it. Therefore I guard the silence, my bulldog
o!' Piccadilly, I guard the silence the most profound."
" Why so touchy, BOUDIN?"
" Touchy ! Mm ! Ah, by example, there is what is
good. No", it is I, BOUDIN, who" say to you, ' Speak, my brave ;
V.HI have tii" word and you can speak what you will. Praise
your Piccadilly, for I admit it is a beautiful street, and I, for
my part, 1 will not pronounce in a whisper the name of the
Boulevard, which is, sapristi, a beautiful street also. And
BO we are both happy, you because you love your Piccadilly,
and I (but 1 am, it seems, doubly happy) because I love your
Piccadilly and my own Boulevard also,' " and he began tc
sing a refrain : —
" Trie Irac, quand ?a va bien
Dans ma boutique, j'aime la muaique.
Trie trac, quand ca va bien
J'aime la musique —
" What~a song-bird you are, BODDIN ! " I thought it best
to interrupt him, for the people in the street were all begin-
ning to turn round and stare at my young friend, who was
trolling out the song at the top of a pair of by no means
chlc lungs. He saw through me, however.
"Ah, you do not like your little BOUDIN to sing. Tres
You say it is ineonvenant to make music in full air in
this so magnificent Piccadilly. The other bulldogs do not
like music to sound in their ears when they go to sell their
wives at Smithfield, for you know, my good friend, they will
all sell their wives at Smithfield ; it is your English custom.
And le Lor Maire will be there to see that there is a fair play,
is it not so, Jieln?" — and he began again, but in a lower
voice —
II y avail un milor de Londres
Bien pros, bien solide,
• Qui se fit diablement tondre —
" It is a little poesie which I compose, but I have not finish
him yet. He shall describe the customs of the English as they
exist at this hour, and every word shall be the true truth —
Pour les maris c'est bien commode,
Tantarata, tantarata."
"Look here, BOUDIN," I said with determination, "if
you 're going on like a primo tenore gone mad, we shall be
taken up by the police. If you must sing, let's get into a
hansom."
" A hansom ! " he cried in a tone of terror ; " ah, but no — a
thousand times no. We will go — you and your friend
BOUDIN, so respectuous and so devoted — we will go in an
omnibus, in a four-in-hand, in an automobile, or even in a
growlair, but in a hansom — no, no. I am a man of much
courage. I am ready to go on the terrain with my wife's
grandfather if I marry and my wife's grandfather (I hope
she have one) say me any injures — but in a hansom I will
not go. I love life, and the English meesses are blondes and
amiable, and Piccadilly is beautiful, and one day I hope to
see ce beau pays de France once more. No, in a hansom I
do not enter."
" But, my dear BOUDIN," I said laughing, " surely that 's
absurd. Why, there isn't a smarter sort of conveyance in
the world than a hansom. We are rather proud of them,
I assure you, for London is practically the only place where
you can find them, and as for danger —
I
A PERSONAL GRIEVANCE.
"I SAY, WON'T THEY LET TOO GO INTO LONO TBOC8EBS?"
"Now I tell you, my fine fellow," said BOUDIN eagerly,
" you are wrong. If there are no hansoms in foreign cities
it is because they are not all fools in foreign cities. Possibly
they have seen a hansom and they do not like him. And
I do not care for the smart. I like my 'top-hat best, and
when I enter a hansom, •dan ! it is done with my top-hat. It
was a top-hat, but now it is an omelette, it is a marmalade,
it is everything which a top-hat must not be if it is still to
be a top-hat."
"Oh, that's all nonsense; it's all your own clumsiness.
And that doesn't make a hansom dangerous."
"As to the danger, I tell you. Yesterday I make a
promenade in St. James's Street. It has rained a little, and
the hansom-cab horses they all make a glissade down St.
James's Street. It is a very clever thing to teach your horses
to patiner down St. James's Street, but as for me it returns
me the stomach to see them. Sudden a hansom-cab come
running very quick and he make collision with a growlair.
The growlair fait culbute, but no one is hurt. As to the
hansom-cab horse, he fall down and an old gentleman with
spectacles on his nose, who was inside, he describe a parabole
and fall on the back of the horse, and the coachman he
describe a bigger parabole and he fall on his own back, and
the old gentleman have cut his face with glass and he say,
' Take me home to ma mere. I never go in a hansom again,'
and he faint. And the poor coachman he is pick up by two
policemen, but he say no word. When I see that I say,
' BOUDIN, my friend, we have in Paris some nice fiacres like a
little barouche ; you shall go in them, but if you love your-
self you go not in a hansom ' — and, by blue, I do not."
VOL. cxxvi.
362
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAT 25, 1904.
RECESSIONAL.
I WOULD my heart were such, that I could share
The festal interludes of lighter folk ;
Could barter hats with some congenial fair,
Or blithely urge afield my panting moke.
I would that I could couch on Margate's strand,
Pillowed upon my HARRIET'S heaving chest,
And watch her large and speaking smile expand
Under the pseudo-^Ethiop's hoary jest.
These are the human joys of men ; but oh,
T could not imitate them if I tried ;
There is a sour-thing bids my soul forego
The hallowed levities of Whitsuntide.
"f is not that T have passed my active prime,
Or ache with Weltschmerz ; not that I have seen
Too much of men and cities in my time,
Or that the East has petrified my spleen.
Life has her remnaut spoils still worth the chase ;
My health is fair ; my appetite excels ;
1 have not quite outworn the buoyant grace
That one associates with young gazelles.
Yet can I not assume the jocund air
Of general holitime ; for I confess
That I aui never wholly free from care
During a Parliamentary recess.
Barely I brook tho time, however short,
Through which my stricken country stands alone,
Prey to a Cabinet, by all report,
The worst and most degraded ever known.
What devilry may FORSTER have in store,
When for the nonce that rival figure pales —
LLOYD-GEORGE, our future Minister of War,
At peace among the spouting schools of Wales ?
Picture what schemes these vermin mice may brew
With ROBSON (cat) no longer on the spot,
CECIL not there to teach them Who is HUGH,
WINSTON away, the judge of What is What.
And yet I must not grudge their hour at grass ;
Only the gods dispense with Nature's law ;
No mortal, though the thing were made of brass,
But needs at times to lubricate his jaw.
Meanwhile, till that return for which I pine,
May Heaven inject new unction in their souls,
Then give me back, like giants fresh with wine,
My WEIR, my BANNERMAN, my wassail BOWLES !
sa====s o. s.
MR. PUNCH'S AUTOGRAPH SALE.
Selections from the Catalogue, with Prices realised.
GLADSTONE (WILLIAM EWART), Liberal Statesman, to his friend
Lord ACTON. 4 pp. :
My experience at the Opera on Wednesday night was not
altogether productive of unmixed enjoyment. The opera was
Tristan und Isolde, by the German composer WAGXER, and
in his treatment of the old world legend on which it is
founded I missed a good deal of the simplicity which consti-
tutes the chief attraction of the Homeric poems. . . . The
tone of .the story, which is concerned witli the fortunes of
a distressed Irish princess, I found regrettably pagan, the
element of amativeness being unduly prominent throughout.
GEORGE RUSSELL, who shared our box, was much shocked by
the absence of any definite theological motive, and left us
early in the evening. . . . After the second Act we were
introduced to the prima donna, an Italian lady of considerable
vivacity, with whom I had some interesting conversation 011
the manufacture of macaroni, the cooking of polenta and the
prismatic stratification of Neapolitan ices. I have little doubt
from what she told me that the word bombe, used in culinary
operations, is connected with King BOMBA of infamous
memory, whose addiction to the pleasures of the table was
notorious ; unless, indeed, it is to be traced to ERASMUS'S
phrase of the Chimsera, bombinans in vacua. . . .
[Madame MELBA, £7 108.]
SHAKSPEARE (WILLIAM), Reputed Dramatist, to Lord BACON,
urging him to look slippy with the MS. of "Hamlet,
Prince of Denmark " :
D' FRANK, — I prithee hasten with Hamlet, as BURBAGE is
gettyuge verie restive. 1 have two or three more plottes for
thee when Hamlet is done, but nothynge quite so good as
that. Put aside ye plays thou art doing for BEN [? JONSON]
and JACK [? FLETCHER] and give all thy time to Hamlet.
Thy obliged friend, W. S. [Mr. SIDNEY LEE, £5000.]
JAMES (HENRY), Novelist, to Mr. T. P. O'CotraoR, declining
suggestion that he should contribute to the scries " In the
Days of my Youth " in " M.A.P." :
Conscious as I must, and always intermittently at least
will be, of the far too flattering estimate of my poor abilities
embodied in j'our appreciative invitation that I should, follow-
ing the example of so many conspicuous representatives of
the various callings which illustrate the enchevetrcment of
modern civilisation, hazard the committal to print of some
of the most salient, or, at least, significant reminiscences of
the period anterior to the recognition by the instructed
public on both sides of the Atlantic of my claim to be con-
sidered in the light of an author who might not unfairly,
perhaps, be described as one who had more or less, to borrow
a convenient neologism, " arrived," I am nevertheless per-
meated by the conviction that, having regard to the limita-
tions imposed by the exigencies of space on the one hand,
and the, to me, inexorable dictates of my artistic conscious-
ness [J AMRACH, £500.]
LATHAM (PETER), Champion Tennis and Racquet Player, to
Mr. ALFRED LYTTELTON, lamenting his defection :
DEAR SIR, — I only heard this morning of your being elected
a Member of Parliament for Leamington, 'and wish to send
you my respectful congratulations. At the same time I can't
help thinking it a great pity you should give up tennis for
politics. I always said you had the best natural stroke of
any player, and if you practised as much as I have, would be a
match for any professional. . . . [Mr. EUSTACE MILES, 2s. 6d.~\
AUSTIN (ALFRED), Poet Laureate, to the GERMAN EMPEROR, n-'tth
an unpublished sonnet :
Majestic monarch, from whose golden tongue
With all the fury of a lava stream
Pours forth a flood of eloquence supreme
That brooks not the restraint of any bung !
I hail thee brother, for I too have slung
Much ink and covered many an azure ream :
I too have felt the need to blow off steam
When curs have yelped or mean mosquitoes stung,
Yet hailing thee my eagle-crested peer,
Conscious of kindred aims and common goal,
Fain would I whisper in thy royal ear
Two winged words to sink into thy soul :
Festina lente. Did not some one say
Crude haste is aye blood-brother to delay ?
[Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING, 3s. 9</.]
SPENCER (HERBERT), Philosopher, to the
Chevalier DE ROUGEMONT :
I have to thank you for your suggestion that, as a remedy
I
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MAY 25, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
3C5
Mistress. "JAKE, WHERE is THE SALAD OIL I TOLD you TO PUT ON THE TABLE?"
Jane. " PLEASE, 'it, I DID PUT IT ON THE TABLE WHEN I POLISHED IT UP THIS HORNING ! '
for the persistent insomnia which interposes so serious a |
hindrance to the accomplishment of my work, I should take >
regular riding exercise on a turtle in the Zoological Gardens, i
The proposition in itself is not devoid of attractiveness, but
I perceive one objection which I fear may prove fatal. Having j
always myself had an -intolerance of strenuous effort, and
especially effort under coercion, my sympathy is aroused by
any creature making strenuous effort under coercion ; and the
result has ever been a dislike to seeing either a man or an
animal overpressed, and still more to overpressing one }
myself. The specific obstacle in the present case would be :
the difficulty in ascertaining whether an undue strain was i
being placed on the locomotive capacity of the crustacean.
In the case of a horse, there is the ocular assurance conveyed j
by the phenomenon familiarly described as " not turning a
hair." But the absence of capillary growth in the turtle
renders this test inapplicable. Could you kindly inform me
how turtles show fatigue ? [Alderman TRELOAR, 30s.]
MILTON (JOHN), the notorious Epic poet and Raconteur, to his
publisher, surprised at his liberality : —
Mr. JOHN MILTON begs to acknowledge ye receipt of five
pounds (£5) sent to him by Mr. HUMPHREY MOSELEY. Mr. •
MILTON would like to be enlightened on certain points relative
to this matter : namely, Does ye sum represent ye total pay-
ment for ye poem Paradise Lost, or is it an advance upon
royalties ? Are thirteen counted as twelve ? What does ,
Mr. MOSELEY propose about American rights ? Any restric-
tions as to remainders ? [Mr. PIERPONT MORGAN, £75,000.]
OUR MR. JABBERJEE IN THE FAR EAST.
VI.
Back again unih Japanese Advancing Column.
Nearer River Yalu.
I AM now returned to Col. KHAKIMONO, with the unwelcome
intelligence that Port Arthur is going so strong that it treats
bombarding shells in the contemptuous spirit of a lion
shaking off dewlaps from his mane. This bit of news has
so depressed Col. K. that he is now going with nose in
pocket, and, I think, commences to realise that Japan, by
coming to scratches with Russia, may have caught a rather
formidable Tartar.
I have consoled him by the reminder that the enemy may
perhaps prove less invincible on land than when they are all
at sea.
But he cannot yet succeed in getting into touch and go
with any enemy. For, in spite of my own discovery of a
Sotnia and his superior Samovar, no Japanese professional
scouter has, so far, managed to detect the slightest trace of a
single Cossack !
A\ hich, as I could not help remarking, is surely a gross
sign of incompetence. " Then," says Col. K. with a rather
ironical simper, " since it seems you are such an au fait in
scouting, why not ride yourself to spy out the Russian
whereabouts? "
This suggestion, at first, rendered me blue as a pill with
366
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.
[MAY 25, 1904.
apprehension, being a comparative neophyte in the science
of military sneaking. Then I opportunely recollected that
a civilian friend at Calcutta, BABOO OPROCASH SHEEKHUR, had
very kindly presented me, thinking that it might be perhaps
of use in war-reporting, with a small handbook of Aids to
Scouting, composed by Hon'ble Major-General BADEX-POWELL
in the midst of Mafficking.
Consequently I have accepted Col. K.'s challenge, and am
confident that, by dint of assiduous cramming up of the
aforesaid volume, I shall at least acquire sufficient smatterings
to scrape through with honours.
LATER.— Hip-hip-huzzay ! After diligent perusal of the
above pamphlet, I find it as easy as a play of dolls ! Already
I possess a working majority of the necessary qualifications
for a scouter. Am I not "smart, active, and intelligent"
" willing to turn my hand to any kind of jobbery " ; a " good
rider " ? (this I am soon to become, since my Sho-ji is now,
owing to compulsory abstinence, quiet as an unborn lamb).
As to the article of Pluck, this, I am encouraged to find, is a
quality which is, almost always, inside every man, and only
needs developing and bringing out.
Accordingly I have already purchased a secondhand patent
Sandow developer, for yen 7 sen 50, from one of my fellow
reporters. I must also be able to "keep hidden and take
care of myself" (which I humbly think I am fully competent
to do), and of my horse (which I will do, with his kind
permission). In addition I am to " sketch and report informa-
tion."
Now, as a sketeher, I do not claim to be a Sir FREDERICK
LAKDSEER, that I can rpaint a Derby Dog Day, or yet an
Hon'ble TURNER, E.A., to represent a Railway Terminus, with
train and passengers complete.
Still, I have, more than once or twice, depicted for the
amusement of my olivebranches, not only trees but even
cows and horses, with such lifelike verisimilitude that they
were easily enabled (after a little prompting) to identify
same !
Then it seems that a scout should learn Hindustani— which
of course I already speak with fluency. . . .
LATER. — Before making my start, it has been necessary to
train Sho-ji to lie down on the word of command, and I am
delighted to find that he is of marvellous docility and intelli-
gence. (I forget whether I mentioned that I purchased him
from a Korean Travelling Circus Proprietor, who was selling
off, owing to loss of business through War Panics.) For it
is now only necessary to say, " Sho-ji, the Russians are
coming ! " and he rolls over with the deadness of mutton !
As the signal to rise, I have merely to kick him in his
abdomen and say, " It is only the MIKADO ! " whereupon he
erects himself on all fours. After which I can, generally,
contrive to leave the stable before I am nipped. . . .
* LATER. — Col. K. is becoming slightly impatient, requesting
to know when, if ever, I intend to make my start.
I have replied that I am now in marching order, and have
offered to take a selection of my rival correspondents in my
party as pupils. What a pity that they are such poor white-
livered unenterprising chaps as to unanimously decline with
thanks ! . . .
Col. K. has just generously presented me with my rations
for four days. By a singular coincidence, they exactly
correspond with those mentioned in the Hon'ble Major-
General's textbook, viz., a live sheep, and my helmet-full of
best quality flour !
I must confess that the Hon'ble and gallant Author was
not far out in his assertion that such a commissariat is apt to
produce a certain horrified " what-am-I-to-do-with-this-httle-
lot? " expression 011 the recipient's visage. But he is totally
wrong in adding that I was " to consider nryself in clover,"
since I am not an Admiral Crighton to ride a horse and drive
a sheep at the same time !
Fortunately, it is the sheep who is now in clover, having
absconded itself into an adjoining field, in defiance of my
exhortations.
But, not being an inveterate meat-eater, I am by no means
to fondre en larmes at such defection, as I have sufficient
flour in my solah topee and pockets to make several chupatties.
According to the book, I am first " to take some steeple or
broken-down gate as a landsmark, and work from that."
But how is this possible in such a barbarous land as Korea,
where the sacred edifices are unprovided with steeples, and
there is no such thing as any agricultural gate, in good or
Again, I am to find out the North Pole by dint of the Sun
and reading the hands of my watch. But suppose, owing to
parsimony of my proprietors, I have been compelled to leave
my fine gold repeater timepiece with some Korean uncle or
other- -please, how then, omniscient Military Mister ? . . .
LATER.— I have come to the halt — after riding for all my
worth. At first, a gentle walk along the high road, gradually
increasing to a trot — then to a wild and neckbreaking tittup !
Every now and again my faithful piebald would imagine
(erroneously) that the Russians were coming, and lie down
instantaneously, without waiting for any signal. Whereupon
I also would dismount, being careful, following textbook tip,
to make my clothes " as near the colour of my background as
possible." Such occasions I have generally utilised to make a
map, or depict the sceneries and other objects of local interest.
Also (as recommended) I have permitted my pony-crock
" to refresh himself by a roll in the dust or mud " — though
I did not anticipate that he was to roll on myself as well !
But I do not think I have incurred any vital internal dis-
placements, so — who cares ?
Next, as the Major-General advises, we have been across
the country — though not at my original suggestion.
Now I am once more alone, as Sho-ji has either absented
himself without leave, or has taken his cover so cleverly that he
is practically an imperceptible. No matter ! I will do the
remainder of my scouting on foot.
I have got back to some highway. A good opportunity
to do some ' sign-reading ' by guesswork ! . . .
EXAMPLE I.— Ground : A well frequented road in Korean
locality. Dry — gravel — some mud. Atmosphere : Warm. No
breeze. Time : Afternoon. Getting on (1 should think) for
Japanese tea-hour. Signs : Fresh hoofmarks. (Remark :
Fresh, because, if there had been any rain, they would be
washed out.) Feetmarks. (Human, because heels on boots.
Not Korean, as they wear carpet slippers.) Dust disturbed :
several hoofmarks together. (Therefore more than one horse
— probably several.) Semi-circular dents on ground. (One
or two of the cavaliers must have sat down.) Tufts of coarse
hair on bushes — some reddish brown, some white. (Not
Japanese or Korean hairs, which are black, as a crow. There-
fore, European. Only Europeans in neighbourhood, Russians.
Cossacks have rather red coarse hair. After a certain age it
would turn white; therefore, both old and young Cossacks
have recently passed.) Patches on road of some white sub-
stance— flour. Military tents in distance. (They have been sent
out to get flour.) But said hoof and feetmarks point in
opposite direction to encampment. (A stale dodge, and old as
the hills I They have simply shodded their steeds stern fore-
most, and walked themselves backwards .')
DEDUCTION : I am close to some hostile Cossack camp.
Their supplies must be dwindled to a shadow. Else, they
would not be so short of flour, and would have at least
sufficient Petrol-oil to keep their hair on. A senile and
juvenile Cossack have been sent out to procure forages.
They have got some flour. Being famished, they have
squabbled for its possession. Their respective steeds have
likewise become cantankerous. Both Cossacks, owing to
sheer debility, have sat down in the dust. Argal— the
MA? 25, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
367
encampment is so reduced as to become
the easy booty ! . . . Where is Hon'ble
Sherlock Holmes now ? . . .
NOTE. — The above proved to be nearly
right. Only, as it happened, the encamp-
ment turned out to be Col. K.'s head-
quarters. Said Col. expressed himself
as highly delighted with my report. It
is true that certain envious rival reporters ;
have pronounced the said hairs (of which :
I brought back samples) to be of equine j
origin. But, as I said to them, " What j
proof, Misters, is there that the Enemy j
is mounted both upon white and red
quadrupeds ? "
I am composing a rather flowery
testimonial to Hon ble B.-P., with per-
mission to publish same (free of charge) |
in next edition of Aids to Scouting.
LATER. — Sho-ji turned up later, utterlv :
exhausted by his scouting excursion. I \
have been compelled to call in a Korean
vet., who reports that my unfortunate
crock is suffering from severe nervous
prostration. I enclose his bill— a very
quaint, almost undecipherable document.
P.S. — Account unfortunately mislaid,
but net total, yen 25 — which please
settle. I cannot afford to pay for such
working expenses as horse-balls, which,
I assure you, are not by any means a
mere drug in Korean markets !
H. B. J.
MR. PUNCH'S SYMPOSIA.
XV. — SHOULD WE NOT STRAIK EVERY
NERVE TO ENLARGE THE LANGUAGE?
SCENE — The Philological Society's
Canteen.
PRESENT :
Dr. J. A. H. Murray (in the chair).
Prince Ranjitsinhji.
Mr. Charles Frohman.
Mr. Augustine Birrell.
Mr. W. S. Gilbert.
The Chevalier de Rougemont.
Mr. Henry Chaplin.
Madame Yvette Guilbert.
Dr. Clifford.
Dr. Murray. We are met to-day, in
solemn conclave, to do what we can to
strengthen and colour the language by
the addition of new and picturesque
words. A more representative gathering
I have seldom seen.
The Chevalier de Eougemont. Hear,
hear !
Dr. Murray. Everyone should invent
a new word — like Boycott and Marconi-
gram, Mesmerism and Spoonerism.
Lord AVEBURY would have us say " many-
where." It is not, perhaps, good, but
better than to invent nothing.
Dr. Clifford. You think it better to
have invented a bad word than never to
have invented at all ?
DC. Murray. Certainly.
Dr. Clifford. But bad words surely
should diminish in number ?
..
TRAPPED.
Benevolent-looking Elderly Party. "Do Tot' LIKE CHILDREN, Miss?"
Superior Governess. "On, I DON'T MIND THEM."
Elderly Party. " No. So I BEE ! "
Dr. Murray. I don't mean bad in that
sense. The last bad word in that sense
was Assouan — the biggest dam on
record. Very useful for golf.
Mr. Chaplin. The difficulty is not so
much inventing new words, as getting
people to take them up. I invent lots,
but they will perish with me.
Madame Yvette Guilbert. But will you
perish ?
Mr. Chaplin. Not exactly perish, per-
haps. Exegi monumentum, don't you
know. But I should have liked some
of my coinages to stand. For example
I once called a spade a spade. That
was a very daring innovation.
The Chevalier de Rougemont. I see
that Mr. FRANCIS GALTON has been lectur-
ing on Eugenics. What are they ?
Mr. Chaplin. Eugenics is the science
of perfecting the next generation.
Prince Ranjitsinliji. I suppose the
word derives from my friend EUGENE
SAWDOW?
Madame Yvette Guilbert. Let me see, is
there not a proverb which says, " When
you are in Frome you must] do as
the Frohmans do ? "
Mr. Frohman. Where is Frome ? Is
there a theatre there ?
Dr. Murray. 1 think it 's in Wiltshire,
where the bacon comes from.
Dr. Clifford. No doubt FROHMAN
originally meant Frome-man, a Baconian.
Hence his interest in the legitimate
drama.
Prince Ranjitsinhji. Every great man
should add at least one word to the
language, just as my friend P. F. WARNER
has done. Who ever heard of a Plum
wicket until he showed us how to play
forward on one !
368
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 25, 1904.
Mr. W. S. Gilbert. In this connection
I should like to say that poets cannot be
too grateful to Prince RANJITSINHJI for
iiis own contribution to the vocabulary.
Until he made it possible to refer to
innings of RANJI'S the stock of rhymes
to Ganges was very low.
Dr. Murray. Sometimes it takes two
cricketers to form a word — as in the
case of bowling which is more than
broken by the batsmen, and is, in fact,
FRY-ABEL.
[The tea interval was here taken.
Mr. Augustine Birrell. Had it not
been for me and my obiter dicta
the pastime of birrelling would be un-
known.
Prince Ranjitsinhji. What we all
wish is that Mr. BIRRELL would indulge
in birrelling more freely. On my recent
tour in India I found the Sikhs in
despair about it.
Mr. Charles Froliman. Instead, he
" gives up to party what was meant for
mankind."
Mr. W. S. Gilbert. And thus — to use
another word derived from a man —
burkes our enjoyment.
Chevalier de Rougemont. Surely " tur-
tle " is as good a word as " hurtle." If
a man can hurtle through the air, why
cannot he be said to turtle through the
Hippodrome ?
Dr. Murray. Turtle, however, is not
a proper name. A better word was the
variant of " rhodomontade " which
cropped up some time since — "rouge-
montade."
Mr. W. S. Gilbert. I can sit here with
a perfectly satisfied mind, having pro-
vided the language with the excellent
adjective Gilbertian, which saves critics
and journalists so much trouble. I
have noticed that no South American
President can do anything without
being called Gilbertian in the head-line
press.
Madame Yvette Guilbert. Guilbertian !
— I 'aif not 'eard it. But it is a good
word. I will take it back to Paris with
me.
Dr. Murray. Look at the other ex-
cellent words we have obtained from
men of note, such as, for example,
Bridge from Sir FREDERICK BRIDGE,
and the Green Park from Sir GILBERT
PARKER.
Mr. Frohman. Yes, and the Marble
Arch from Mr. WILLIAM ARCHER.
Mr. Birrell. And Lake Windermere
from Sir CHARLES WYNDHAM.
Dr. Clifford. That reminds me of a
riddle : Why is Sir CHARLES WYNDHAM
like England ?
Mr. Chaplin. I give it up.
Dr. Clifford. Because he has had
trouble with the boo-ers.
[Ambulances having been brought in,
the party left for home.
ALIEN IMMIGRANTS.
[Sir LEES KNOWLES has received a letter from
the nervous father of a boy at an English
public school. The boy's name is down for
Oriel, but in view of the unfair competition to
be expected from Rhodes scholars the writer
is half inclined to send him after all to Cam-
bridge. The argument of the letter is here
carried a step or two further.]
0 WILLIAM mine, no tongue can tell
What raptures in my bosom centred
When on the books of Oriel
Your youthful name I first saw entered.
With pride and pleasure freely mixed
My fond paternal heart was swollen ;
1 thought of you as something 'twixt
A mighty MILO and a SOLON.
Triumphant still I pictured you
Between the goals and at the wicket ;
With ease you were to win your blue
For football, rowing and for cricket.
Putney should know you, Lord's should
ring
When on the field your men you
posted,
And Queen's Club cheer like anything
The bravest forward Oxford boasted.
Nor was your prowess in the field
To mar your scholarship — far from it !
Your bright career was not to yield
In brilliancy to any comet ;
And when you reached, say, twenty-
three,
Replete with academic knowledge,
I thought you probably would be
Created Provost of your College.
But now the quads are over-run
With great Rhodes scholars — huge,
gigantic—
They hasten from the rising sun,
They cross the billowy Atlantic.
WILLIAM, I tremble at the thought
That even in a friendly tussle
Your fragile figure should be brought
In contact with such fearful muscle.
And oh, my little one, what hope
That Youth which numbers eighteen
summers
In classic lore can ever cope
With these maturer-brained
comers ?
Under the new and fatal rule
Oxford must weep to see her glories
All pass to aliens in the school
Of biterce Humaniores.
I sigh, my son, to picture you
Amid these learned men of letters,
Striving to grasp their point of view,
And vying vainly with your betters.
If Isis suffer such unfair
Conditions, who would ever blame us
Should we decide to go elsewhere,
And seek the juster courts of Camus?
Yet even there come Scotch M.A.'s,
Men who have dared to wander darkly
By KANT'S and HEGEL'S hidden ways.
And know by heart their HOME and
BERKELEY.
Hindoos of supple mind and wrists
Swarm from the Empire's utmost
fringes
To oust us from the wranglers' lists,
And give our Blues to RANJITSINHJIS.
WILLIAM, I would not have you vie
With men so much more wise and
witty,
And therefore let us rather try
A junior clerkship in the City ;
There we may find a spot tha't 's free
From preternaturally bright lights,
Where you, my WILLIAM, yet may be
A candle 'mid the lesser night-lights.
TAMING THE SEA.
No one who dwells exclusively on land
can have any idea of what it means to a
traveller on the Atlantic to have the
monotony of the passage broken by news
of home. Of old one said good-bye to
newspapers at Sandy Hook or Queens-
town, and reluctantly and sadly settled
down to the difficult task of getting on
without them for a week. In those days
one was driven to the boredom of read-
ing books. But now all is changed, for
the genius of Signer MARCONI is to make it
possible for a newspaper, with the title
of The Cunard Bulletin, to be published
at sea every morning, containing all the
news of the day. Marvellous are the
prizes of civilisation ! How much better
than to be ignorant of home affairs is it
to be able to read such marconigrams as
these : —
" Rain stopped play at Lord's at
4.15. Glamorganshire have a lead of
138."
"Mr. C. B. FRY is still undecided
whether or not to play for the Gentle-
men."
" A woman at Devizes has celebrated
her 105th birthday."
"There were eighteen hours of
bright sunshine at Brighton yester-
day."
" The rumour that Mr. BALFOCR will
stand for King's Lynn at the next
General Election is unfounded."
Meanwhile rivals are in the field.
We hear already of the White Star
Gazette and Bibby's Babbler ; while the
Messrs. HARMSWORTH are busily engaged
in completing plans for a mid-ocean
intelligencer of a more natural character
— no less than a trained school of swift
cachalots, which will leave Queenstown
every morning, bearing news to whatever
liners they can find. The news will be
printed on a small leaflet which these
ingenious mammals will spout on to the
first-class deck. The leaflet, edited by
Mr. F. T. BDLLEN, will be entitled The
Daily Whale.
MAY 25, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
369
ICE.
" DEAR DOLLY " (wrote HARRY)—" Let's
go to Princess' x. I believe it 'a quite a
nice place to go to. I used to be able to
scratch about a bit at school, and you,
of course, are great at skating as at
everything else, BO I '11 come round for
you after dinner. " Yours, HARRY."
"P.8. — Put on something warm."
I was delighted to hear that HARRY
was a skater ; personally I am not great
at it, but a supporting arm covers a
multitude of slips, and I may mention
we are engaged.
The band was playing pretty German
waltzes when we arrived, and through
the glass doors of the entrance lounge
the circling skaters seemed to keep time
to the soft throb of the music, and the
skating simplv took my breath away.
Each graceful figure swerving past
must, I felt convinced, be a champion,
but HARRY assured me the artificial
ice made it so easy that we should be
astonished at our own performances.
We were. Hand in hand — skates on,
and impatient for the floor — we clumped
to the side of the rink and stepped
over the edge. I have never been quite
sure whose fault it was. HARBY says it
was that idiot instructor chap with the
fur cap, who looked as if he were going
to run into us. Possibly it was my fault,
but probably it was HARRY'S — anyhow,
what happened was this. No sooner
had we stepped over the edge than
HARRY made a sudden wild dive forward,
as if he were going to butt down the
barrier, dragging me with him ; then,
flinging himself upright, he plunged
backwards, still grasping my hands, so
that I was compelled to duplicate all his
movements ; he then wrenched me side-
ways, hit mo hard in the back, and sat
down with me so violently that my teeth
rattled in my head.
I gazed at him speechless ; he returned
my gaze and smiled foolishly.
"Sorry, DOLLY," he said; "let me
help you up."
He scrambled to his feet, and taking
my hand fell on top of me three times
running, until in terror I crawled away
on all fours lest worse should befall,
and assisted by the instructor in the
fur cap I arose, and stood trembling
and clinging to him.
If HARRY could have managed to get
up without using his feet it would have
been easier ; however I suppose he
couldn't, but eventually he stayed right
end up, and the fur-capped instructor
glided away, while the passing skaters
cast resentful glances upon us, as we
stood innocently dividing the ceaseless
procession.
"Never mind, DOLLY," said HARRY
cheerily ; " better luck next time."
" Perhaps so, " I replied, " if we don't
A SPREADING FASHION.
IF HATS AND VEILS GET MUCH BIGGER, WHAT ABQVT THE MAN IN THE MIDDLE?]
go together." I started off alone, and
by dint of taking tiny strokes and
bringing the other foot down again as
quickly as possible I got once round
the rink and found myself gripping the
handrail and trying to look as if I was
not suffering. As a matter of fact the
gnawing anguish in my legs was intense,
and owing to the extra things I had
put on I was roastingly hot. The sway-
ing melody of the band mocked at my
pain, and in bitterness of spirit I watched
the accomplished crowd gliding by.
Suddenly I saw a lane open in their
midst, and down the middle of it came
— HARRY, his arms now outstretched
now flung upwards, as he lost his
balance one moment, and recovered it
the next, the shock and jar travelling
wave-like all up his body. From the
look of relief on his perspiring face and
his desperate efforts to hurry I saw he
was making for me. I turned and fled.
My own tremulous career was stimu-
lated by sounds behind me, I became
aware of a series of thuds, and presently,
safe for the moment from pursuit,
stopped to rest. The fur-capped in-
structor paused as he glided by, and
in answer to my smile approached with
the suggestion that " Mademoiselle might
like a leetle instruction ? "
Mademoiselle jumped at it, metaphori-
cally speaking, and from that moment
the prospect grew rosier. Guided and
supported by strong and intelligent
hands my movements became easy, not
to say graceful ; the music was delightful,
the quaint broken English at my ear
mingling pleasantly with the melody, •
The first time we came across HABRY
I stopped to explain the position, feeling
myself adequately protected. He still
wore the same sheepish smile as he
stumbled along, but it seemed frozen on
his face ; there was pain in the lines on
his forehead, and he seemed quite pleased
to stand still. We were standing quite
still, too, no one so much as touching
him, when without the least provocation
370
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVARI.
[MAY 25, 1904.
.
A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY.
Major Mustard (who has been changing several of his servants). " How DARE Ton CALL
TOUKSELF A CHAUFFEUR?"
Alfonse. "MAIS NON ! NON, MONSIEUR! JE NE sms PAS 'CHAUFFEUR.' J'AI BIT QUE JE
BU1S LE CHEF. MAIS MoNSIEUB COMPREHEND NOT ! "
he suddenly shot one foot forward,
reared himself back, stamped a large
hole in the ice with both feet, and with
a sinuous movement all up his back-
bone, kicked high in the air and col-
lapsed. I have heard people say that
HARRY is too stiff and unbending ; that,
I think, was not the general opinion at
Princess's.
" Mademoiselle will be injured," said
the instructor, drawing me away ; and
basely enough I went. I felt heartily
ashamed of HARRY. The refined, con-
temptuous stream of skaters carefully
avoided him, and, as he rose to his feet,
hand was wrenched from hand, and
couples flew apart to make way for his
approach.
It was at 10 o'clock, when they were
clearing the rink for the quarter of an
hour's waltzing, that I called to him to
come and sit down. At first he did not
hear me, and I was shocked at the
change that had come over his expres-
sion. He was getting on better, but I
could not have believed that HARRY'S
intelligent, distinguished face could ever
express such utter imbecility. His smile
was fixed and vacant, his body unnatu-
rally rigid, and the feeble fluttering of
his legs pointed to early senile decay.
"Jolly good fun, isn't it?" he said,
as with a sigh of relief he sank down in
the cushioned chair beside me.
"It's coming back to me now, and
I'm trying to remember some of our
old school tricks. Hallo ! they 're waltz-
ing. Come on, DOLLY, we've never
missed a waltz yet."
I clung desperately to my chair, and
coldly pleaded fatigue. I was wretched.
It seemed as if I knew HARRY for the
first time, and I kept saying to myself,
" How can I ever marry him ! "
The waltzers retired, their quarter of
an hour over, and for a few minutes
before the ordinary skating was resumed
the rink was practically empty.
" I used to be able to scratch along
backwards," said HARRY ; and, with the
rink practically to himself, he started to
have "a try at the old dodge," as he
called it.
From the opposite end, a charming
little lady, graceful as a swallow,
came skimming down the rink outside
edge backwards. HARRY had gained
a wonderful momentum from his own
convulsive plunges. Back to back they
met — the force of the shock sending
them to opposite sides of the rink in
horizontal attitudes. The lady was
quickly surrounded by eager cavaliers,
but HARRY, seizing the hand-rail to draw
himself up, was unable to get his feet to
stop underneath him, and his skates
struck the woodwork of the barrier with
a sound like the rattle of musketry.
Even the band stopped to laugh, and
leaning over the barrier I hissed between
my teeth :
'" HARRY, I 'm going home."
I waited for him in a secluded corner
of the entrance lounge, desperately reso-
lute that no power on earth should make
me marry such a blundering, half-
witted clumsy clown !
^Glancing up, my eyes rested on a
man walking away from me, and
sighed enviously' at his distinguished
air and stately demeanour. He turned
— it was HARRY !
HARRY — calm, elegant, dignified,
though a little pale and worn. If the
coat makes the man, then skates make
the fool. I took his arm rapturously.
"HARRY," I murmured, " never bring
me to this place again ! "
"I won't," said HARRY.
Later on they sent in a bill for floor-
ing, panels and glass, but we were
married then, so nothing mattered.
A GENTLEMAN who lives by his Wits : —
Mr. Punch.
PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI. -MAY LV>, 1'inl.
ANOTHER SIDE-SHOW.
MASTER JOHNNY BULL. " NEED WE GO IN HERE, SIR ? "
MR. BR-DR-CK. " YES, MASTER JOHNNY. YOU MUSTN'T MISS THIS ON ANY ACCOUNT."
MASTER J. B. "OH, ALL RIGHT. I SAY, IT ISN'T ANYTHING LIKE THE SOMALI ONE, IS IT?"
MAT 25, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
373
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM TOE DIAKT OF TOBY, II.P.^
House of Commons, Monday, May 16.
— Wasa't for nothing that Sir FRANCIS
S. POWELL had SHARP bestowed upon him
at baptismal font as :i second name.
He met the situation to-day in manner
prompt as it was wise. For nous autrex
it was a little depressing.
Second reading of Budget Bill moved.
C.-B. challenged with amendment con-
demning large and continuous increase
of national expenditure ; brought down
with him sheaf of notes defining posi-
tion. Truly appalling even when read
from MS. Went back to year 1895, at
\\-hirh period the nation was re-endowed
with Unionist Government, strengthened
by accession of Dissentient Liberals.
In the nine years intervening, leaving
out of account two hundred and thirty
millions, cost of war in South Africa,
there has been an addition of forty-nine
millions per annum to ordinary ex-
penditure !
Anyone curious to discover his per-
sonal, household, share in the little bill,
will find it tot up to an added taxation
per head of £1 3s. 4d.
" The population," said C.-B., sum-
ming up case in memorable phrase,
"has since 1895 increased by ten per
cent. ; expenditure by fifty per cent."
It doesn't need a cool calculating head
like that of the late Mr. Micawber to
work out sum showing where in course
of time this process will lead the
wealthiest nation in the world.
Almost more striking than these
colossal figures was attitude of custo-
dians of public interest. A rare summer
afternoon blazed outside, illuminating
the dusty roads, glorifying the spring-
robed parks. Urgent Whips brought
down Members in hundreds ready to
snatch a division or resist attempt
THE HEIR TO CHATSWOBTH.
Pounding " C.-B." with heavy artillery.
(Mr. V-ct-r C-v-nd-sh.)
according to their honest intentions.
Meanwhile they nurtured these last on
the Terrace, where they tarried whilst
C.-B. told his terrible story to almost
empty benches.
THE MINISTERIAL "CAKE-WALK" INTO THE RECESS.
Tin- Halfour Administration reaches the Whitsuntide Holidays with huge majorities still to
its credit in vital divisions.
No more damaging indictment of a
long-lived Government has ever been
delivered at Table of House of Commons.
PRINCE ARTHUR, lolling on Treasury
Bench with, to do him justice, genuine
indifference, met attack by a move
of saturnine sarcasm. To attempt an
answer would have tested to utmost his
own unrivalled skill in evading reply
whilst making a speech. ST. MICHAEL
thanked All Angels that it was not
his duty to stand up in defence of a
habit of reckless expenditure fought
against throughout his guardianship
at the Treasury, before whose accumu-
lation he had retired in despair. At the
Old Bailey Bar it was a familiar axiom
when one had no case to abuse the
plaintiff's attorney. Whelmed by the
appalling story substantiated by official
figures related by C.-B., PRINCE ARTHUR —
put up VICTOR CAVENDISH to reply !
It is dogged does it with a CAVEN-
DISH. Cavendo tutus, he will face any
odds, stubbornly pegging away at the
call of duty. Never since the Trea-
sury was founded had a young and still
new Financial Secretary had such a task
374
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI.
[MAY 25, 1904.
IN THE AKMS OF MOHPHEDS.
How Sir Fr-nc-s P-w-11 took Sir H-nry C-mpb-ll-B-nn-rm-n's onslaught on Tory extravagance —
"lying down."
committed to Him as PRINCE ARTHUR this
afternoon, with winsome smile, lightly laid
on VICTOR'S back. Lowering his head,
squaring his shoulders, he plodded along,
showing how the undeniable increase in
national expenditure was directly due to
neglect on part of Liberal Party, who,
save for a brief period of three years,
have not been in office these eighteen.
It was at this period Sir FRANCIS
SHARP POWELL justified a Parliamentary
reputation, founded in days as remote as
the time of j PALMERSTON. He dropped
fast asleep. As his head fell back lie
from time to time woke with what
envious people said was a snort, but was
really a note of admiration at the con-
vincing argument of the Financial
Secretary to the Treasury.
Business done. — Second Reading ol
Budget Bill moved.
Tuesday. — Two pretty episodes at
to-day's sitting. The first when PRINCE
ARTHUR laid a garland on the freshly-
dug tomb of his uncle the MARKISS
" This for remembrance."
It came about in fonn of address to
His MAJESTY praying that a monument
to the late Premier may be set up in
Westminster Abbey. As Leader of the
House it fell to PRINCE ARTHUR'S loi
to submit motion. He did it in i
speech which, as C.-B. heartily said
will remain a treasured possession
the House. Its beauty was based on
a firm foundation of simplicity, of
unaffected reverence for a great man
who chanced to be of near kin. With
the perfection of art that conceals art
the brief speech was delivered without
notes, thus adding the final charm of
spontaneity.
In a long procession of successes this
lash of genius will hold high place. It
was more than an intellectual triumph ;
t was the revelation of a fine nature.
The other incident followed when
SQUIRE OF MALWOOD-CUM-NUNEHAM had
nade an end of speaking in debate on
budget Bill. A not too crowded House
istened with respectful attention, almost
iffectionate interest, to what, possibly,
nay be the last of the veteran's charges
n the Parliamentary list. When he sat
down up gat HARRY CHAPLIN, who, thirty-
six years ago, entered the House with
,he SQUIRE, and has since missed no
>pportunity of beating him about the
lead. Now, amid general cheering, lie
:xpressed the profound regret with
which the House looked forward to " the
napping of another link with the past,
the removal of another great ornament
of the old school."
This is the true Parliamentary spirit
that, in spite of party passion and some
personal littlenesses, ever maintains the
.ofty tone, the courteous manner of the
Mother of Parliaments.
Business done. — C.-B.'s amendment
on Budget negatived by 297 votes
against 213.
Thursday. — The Right Honourable
Sir WILLIAM HART DYKE, Bart., bustles
about the House to-day as if it were not
forty years ago next Session that he first
crossed its threshold. The MEMBER FOR
SARK well remembers him in the 1874
Parliament, when, in colleagueship with
ROWLAND WINN, he was Whip in DIZZY'S
first Government. Eleven years later, the
Conservatives coming in for a brief spell
of office — DON Jos£, in unregenerate days,
scoffed at " the stop-gap Government "
— ROWLAND WINN, the junior Whip, was
made a peer. " BILLY " DYKE, to cite the
name by which he is affectionately
known in the House, was at same time
impaled on the horns of dilemma ever
sharpened at Dublin Castle. When in
1895 his Party came in for a real long
run of good luck, the faithful servitor
was shelved.
SARK not the only man in House who
thinks "BILLY" DYKE has been scurvily
treated. Perhaps the only man who
doesn't take that view is the modest-
mannered, loyal-hearted ex- Whip. Whilst
other flotsam and jetsam of reconstructed
Ministries washed up on back benches
have cunningly sought opportunity oJ
revenge, never once, under whatsoever
tempting circumstances, has " BILLY
MAY 25, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
375
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376
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAT 25, 1904.
DYKE departed by a Lair's breadth from
his loyalty to the Treasury Bench.
Members in all parts of the House
hear to-day with pleasure of the recog-
nition paid to his sterling capacity by
appointment to the chairmanship of one
of the principal railway companies.
Thus hath the stone — or shall we say
the DYKE ? — which builders of Cabinets
rejected become the corner-stone of the
London, Chatham and Dover Railway.
Business done. — House adjourned for
Whitsun holidays. "S. Y. L.," as the
mourning widow engraved on the tomb-
stone of her late husband : meaning,
" See You Later " — to wit, on Tuesday
week, 31st inst.
for
CHARIVARIA.
A NEW musical warning-horn
motor - cars will
shortly be placed
on the market. It
will play a few
bars of the " Dead
March." in Saul
when sounded.
We are sorry to
learn, that the fact
that, at an auction
at Sotheby's, a
letter from NELSON
was sold for £1030,
while one from the
Duke of WELLINGTON
fetched only £101,
has led to a regret-
table recrudescence
of jealousy between
the two arms of the
Service.
It is announced
that the Russian
Grand Manoeuvres
will not be held
this year. It is now
realised that, as an educational factor,
they are of small value as compared
with the actual lessons of war.
Servian credit is at so low an ebb
that King PETER has been unable to
raise a crown, although it might be
wanted only as a temporary loan.
An official communique to the Press
tends to show that we sleepy English
are at last waking up to the importance
of pageantry and brilliant decoration as
an aid to impress Oriental potentates.
On the occasion of the visit of His
Highness MAHAEANA CHATRASINGHI SAVAS
KHAN, Rajah of Rajpipla, to the India
Office, the steps of that building, it is
announced, were laid with red carpet.
The Government's Temperance Bill is
threatened with so many amendments
by Members that it seems likely, after
all, to perish at the hands of the licensed
whittlers.
Westminster Gazette with the cool re-
quest that it should be reviewed in the
column entitled " A Book that Counts."
We note the appearance of The Single-
handed Cook. We understand it is to
be followed by Jane, the Double-faced
Lady's Maid, and Janus,' the Tico-
headed Valet.
In view of the fact that an American
gentleman has recently been charging
the British Race with a lack of humour,
we would like to point out to him that
the East London Coroner made a capital
joke at an inquest last week.
The Chinese army has been looked
iipon by many as a quantite negligeable
in the Far Eastern struggle owing to
— its primitive equip-
ment, but its power
to do serious
damage will DOW
be conceded by all.
Eight motor cars
(decorated in the
Imperial orange
colour) have been
presented to the
EMPRESS.
•Mt>.
WHITSUNTIDE
HOLIDAYS.
CRICKET
AT
THE
ZOO.
For the only
other news item of
national importance
we are indebted to
the Daily Express.
Mr. PERCY PARSONS,
of Portishead,
Somerset, set a hen
on seventeen
eggs. The hen has
j ust hatched out
eighteen chickens,
one egg having
been double-yolked.
It is reported that the Army Council,
at any rate, intends to do something to
put down smoking among juveniles. In
future it is to be forbidden to recruits.
It has again been officially denied
that the CZAR is to go to the front. ] last week was a notable one for the
The Japanese have already got far, and Musical World. (1) The missing score
it is feared that they might get a Little | of an overture by WAGNER was dis-
Father. ! covered, and (2) the vexed question as
It has been asked — Why did not the
Japanese attempt to capture the train
in which Admiral ALEXEIEFF escaped
from Port Arthur? The answer, as
submitted by a Boer General, is being
hushed up by the British Government.
to the ownership of the copyright of the
song, " Oh, Charlie, come to me," was
decided once and for all.
The Channel Tunnel Scheme has been
revived, and the Entente between Eng-
land and France threatens to become a
bore.
The early achievements of our greatest
men is a common topic of interest, but it
is not, we believe, generally known that
many of the older members of the Royal
Academy started life as artists.
The publisher of a new Ready Reck-
oner is said to have sent a copy to the
" Question Time" and Answer.
" WHERE shall we go for Whitsuntide? "
Was the problem a week ago ;
And after searching in every guide
We owned that we didn't know.
Up north, down south, or across the
sea,
To Paris, Madrid, or Rome?
At last 'twas settled that it would be
Best to remain at home.
LAST lines of an ode entitled "
CYNTHIA (Wyndham's Theatre)":—
I could not love thee, dear, so much,
Loved I not BABBTMOEE.
To
THE
BOHM.
POET SOOENER. — Mr. MAX BEER-
MAY 25, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LO-NDON CHARIVARI.
377
NOTES.
dl Figaro.
ever fresh melodies.
OPERATIC
Monday, Mai/ 16. Le Nozze di Figaro. The KING anc
QUEEN both present, and a good house to do honour to MOZART'S
Le Nozzc is a comedy first and an open
afterwards ; it ab
solutely require!
first-rate high ami
low comedy acting;
Perhaps extra can t-
fill rehearsing
directed by an in
spired stage-mana
ger, might produce
something above
the conventional
production that
passes current at
t'ovent Garden. M.
SKVEILHAO is good
as Figaro; Jinn-
SUZANNE ADAMS
charming as La
Contessa ; as also is
Making a hit, yet missing an encore. Frau- Miss ALICE NlELSEN
lein Alten as Cherubino in Le Nozze di Figaro, as Susanna. Nice
May 16. Fraulein ALTEN ae
naughty Cherubino very nearly excellent. Poor Signor Scorn,
who was to have been R Conti, being unfortunately ill,
couldn't appear as the Conti, and so M. JOURNET, substituted
at short notice, gives us an admirable representation of the
character, which for this JOURNET is quite a tour de force:
Dr. RICHTER, who, as an honest man, wifl be no party to the
concealment of hidden treasure, has restored the aria "II
Capro " to Marcellina, to whom, in Act IV., it properly
belongs, and Mile. SYLVA made the most of this golden
opportunity.
Tuesday, May 17. — "Rather than disappoint the public"
Madame MELBA, although suffering from a cold, " has kindly
consented to sing." Bravo, MELBA! appearing as Gentle Gilda,
heroine of VERDI'S melodious and dramatic Rigoletto, to hear
which the house was crammed from floor to roof. Madame
MELBA showed no sign of having a " dasty cold id 'er ed " ;
bhe did not even carry in her right hand the tiny mouchoir
that is the consecrated property of every conservatively
trained prima donna. She sang her " a's " and " c's " and
"d's" with ease; without a sneeze. She was brilliant.
Evidently the
warmth of her re-
ception must have
driven away the
cold from her
throat. Our music-
loving KINO and
QUEEN, with other
members of the
Royal Family,
being present, the
performers were on
their mettle. M.
REXAUD, in the very
difficult part of
Rigoletto, the un-
liappy fool of a
father — " sure such
a perc, was never
seen " - was cer-
How Susanna-Nielsen, with her striking tainly dramatic, but
melody, catches the ear of I'"i"-aro-.SevcilMc. uncertainly tuneful.
-Mll-v '"• Signor CARUSO, if
rather lacking the dulcet tone and captivating tenderness o:
a seductive Duke, is at least a robust and melodious noble-
man, worthy to share, as he does to-night, the honours of the
evening with Madame MELBA. II Duca. CARUSO is robustiously
magnificent. Tis two years since he last appeared on the
stage in the Garden, and now returns to electrify the house
Of course he won a splendid encore for " La Donna £ mobile.'
Adaptable M. JOURNET is a thorough base villain a&
Sparafueile, and to the strength of a strong caste is added
M. GILIBERT as Monterone ; Madame KIRKBY LUXN good as
the vivacious Maddalina ; and, as the immoral duenna, belong-
ing to the family of M<ir<j<irr'<trK Murllia and Juliette's nurse,
who could be better than Mile. BAUKCMKISTMK ''. To see her
DESTINNI !
Pagliacci, May 19. Black-and-white study of Camo-Caruao'1 and
tfedda-Deitian. N.B. The only time that Mme. Destinn was decidedly
accept the Duke's purse, and, after a mental struggle with
what remains of her conscience, pocket it (the purse, not the
conscience) with an expressive shrug of the shoulders, is a
treat in artistic by-play not to be missed. Signor CABOBO is a
nost welcome addition to the artistic company. No one in
he house felt the time drag under the vigorous beat of Signor
klANCDJELLi's baton, and the entire performance may be recorded
ag a brilliant success. Of course there will be an encore.
FROM the Lincolnshire EeJio : —
" SEOUL. — A despatch received here announces that several Russian
jnaoners are now marching overland en route for the Korean capital,
•here they will be for a time interred."
t sounds perfectly preposthumous !
378
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 25, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
AT first, in E. McNuunr's Maureen (ARNOLD), the characters,,
as sketched, and the dialect, in queer English, representing;
Irish as popularly supposed to be spoken, lead the reader
to expect a rollicking story of Hibernian life and character,,
such as was long ago represented, more or less truly, but
always amusingly, by CHARLES LEVER. No, not a bit of it ;
the breeziness soon subsides : the froth fizzles off, and the
remainder is as flat and as acid as a glass of fifth-rate
champagne that has stood for an hour or so on a sideboard.
Naughty Nan (WARD, LOCK & Co.), by JOHN LUTHER LONG
is an interesting story, with a strong sensational infusion
told however in so eccentric a style and with such affectec
mannerisms as seriously to imperil its success. By the way
who ever heard of a clerical candidate " receiving his orders,'
that is, being ordained ! A Bishop confers orders, i.e.
" ordains," and every one is familiar with the phrase " taking
orders." But "taking his orders" has the emack of the
commercial traveller about it, and suggests the question
" whose ? " The narrative style adopted by the author is rather
suggestive of what might result from the pen of an imitative
admirer of Dolly Dialogues and Dumas.
In Tlieodore Roosevelt (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), Mr. Rns
does not attempt to produce a life of the President of the
United States. As he says, it is alike too early and too late
for such a work. Too late for details of his career, since
everybody knows them ; "too early to tell the whole story oi
what that strong, brave life will mean to the American
people." Accordingly, tlirough 450 pages, he gossips about
him as a man and a citizen. He has the advantage and the
disadvantage of long intimate acquaintance. As my Baronite
discovered on a recent visit to the White House, Washington,
to know THEODORE ROOSEVELT is to admire his intellectual
force, and be drawn by the simplicity, yet strength of his
personal character. Mr. Rns, knowing him from boyhood,
maintaining the intimacy through the rough
rider's steady, irresistible advance to the
highest position the world provides for a citi-
zen, finds it difficult, if not impossible, to
vary the note of eulogy. This is apt to be
monotonous. But the tendency is overlooked
in the interest of the story and the vivacity
of the incidents of which it is made up. There
are nearly a score of photographs and other
illustrations, dating from the time when young ROOSEVELT
was at Harvard to the day when he was seated in the Pre-
sidential chair.
My Nautical Retainer desires once again to acknowledge his
indebtedness to MARY JOHNSON, author of that fascinating story,
By Order of the Company. In her new novel, Sir Mortimer
(CONSTABLE), she goes back a little further to the times of the
best Elizabethan buccaneers. We plunge at once into the
very heart of things. Given two gallant sea-captains, who
exchange a mortal challenge on the eve of sailing together for
the Spanish Main, but from a public sense of duty and of
discipline put off the settlement of their private quarrel till
the expedition shall have come home ; given a fair and
gracious lady of the Court, who learns, an hour later, from
one of these that she is the manna innominata whose beauty
and virtue he has made famous in song ; and with these high
issues of love and hatred alike indefinitely deferred, the author
from the very outset has the reader almost mercilessly in thrall.
And indeed he must have a courage scarce less than Sir
Mortimer's to face outrageous fortune and the proud man's
contumely, though at his darkest hour the gloom is for a
moment lifted upon as noble a picture of pure loyalty in love
as you shall find in any page of English romance. But the
end more than atones for the long and pitiless ordeal.
If it is not ungrateful to offer a word of criticism, one
might say that the author's style betrays a tendency to affec-
tation, as in the little trick of inversion by which she throws
her verbs forward in front of their subjects ; that she has
allowed herself to overlay the narrative (told by herself) with
the euphuistic embroidery of the period : and that she some-
times permits the colours of her backgrounds to become rather
obtrusive. But it is a book of which she has every right to
lie proud : and indeed when one reflects upon the proofs
here given of her possession of those qualities so rarely found
together — a man's strength and a woman's tenderness it
would be hard to name a living writer, of either sex, who
could have written it for her.
Major W. P. DRURY, in his Peradventures of Private Pagett
(CHAPMAN AND HALL), seems, in the Baron's opinion, throughout
this book, by making the supposed narrator of the stories an
ex-private of marines, to have aimed at achieving a success
similar to that attained by Mr. W. W. JACOBS in his most
humorous series of semi-nautical coast-trading tales. There
is, too, which is in character with a marine, a flavour of
KIPLING'S private soldier's slang: decidedly objectionable.
As to the stories themselves, the Baron is bound to admit
that, reading them with the very best will in the world, they
seem to him hopelessly unintelligible, and, therefore, abso'-
lutely uninteresting : save two, namely, one entitled " The
Signal Guns of Gungapore," which might and ought to have
been a fine, weird, imaginative
legend ; and the other called " In
the Bay Flat," which is the better
told of the two. But real interest
in stories narrated by a man who
is " accounted a painstaking and
promising liar by the sea-faring
profession- — the profession best
qualified to judge,"— is, from
the commencement, discounted.
Maybe, if the Major could forget
JACOBS and KIPLING he might tell
something in his own style that
would catch the public.
THE
BARON
DE
B.-W.
MORE INSIDE INFORMATION.
OUR wrestling correspondent, the " Horrible Arab," wires an
account of his £100 match with the " Unmentionable Swede":
" I was favrit ; the manigment backed the Swede and I was
to go dahn after a game struggil and get £70 out ev the
stakes. At 1015 the scawr was :
ONE ALL.
' Tike your 'ands out ev my whiskers, you blimed Irish-
man, sez I to the Swede. ' Blimy if I don't play fair an'
Jirow yer ! sez I, givin' 'im a f-Nelson. ' Steddy,' sez the
•etree^ who ad a few quid on him, ' you'll ev 'im dahn in a
mniV, '<-£01! arst for sensasllun.' sez I, 'an' yer going to
* what the divil 's the use of worruking overtoime ? '
sez the> Swede ; ' go down, ye cockney shpalpeen,' sez he
Alrite, sez I, 'I've a wife and famely dependin' on me,'
and went dahn unconshus, scawr at 10'30—
2 ONE.
'Excewse bad riting, my 'ands are shakin' sornethink
awful. Send cheque by retern."
ExscoRiATiNG!-rMr. GAMBLE, the discoverer of WAGNER'S
Rule Britannia overture, has had to pay dearly for his
good fortune. Every post brings him applications from
batsmen who have failed, asking him if he can discover
heir lost scores too.
JI-SK 1, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
379
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.
" WITH THIS Rmo I 'LL THEE WED."
WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN.
" — A Law Court. Mr. Justice
SPRIGHTLY on the bench. TIME —
Second day of the hearing of
BROWNING v. TUPKINS, an action for
infringement of copyright. A
crowded and fashionable audience.
The plaintiff, Mr. ROBERT BROWNING
a IHII-I tul, -mlil i/ vi'll luinicii except
in I he Law Courts- is in the box.
Mr. STUMPER, the eminent counsel,
/'.< erott-examintng.
Mr. Xtumjtrr. You contend, I under-
stand, Mr. BROWMM;. that the defendant's
I "'fin "Applause" is stolen from your
lines called "Popularity"? You con-
si dor yourself an authority upon that
subject? . . . Well, one would not have
guessed it. And you allege that
these lines of yours have some literary
value?. . . Indeed, that is must, inter-
esting. Perhaps, then, you will explain
their meaning to the jury. Here is a
line, for instance: " Mere conclis ! Not
fit for warp or woof ! " [Lat«j/itrr.
The Judge. "Mere what? £. •• — ,
Mr. S. " ConcJis," m' lord. Perhaps
the plaintiff can enlighten us — ah, thank
you.
The Judge. The plaintiff seems — er —
a little shellfish too.
[Loud and prolonged laughter at this
brilliant witticism.
Mr. S. Then the meaning, I take it,
is that these winkles — (Laughter) — are
not "fit for warp or woof" — are we to
understand that most shellfish can be
used in decorative needlework? . . .
Come, you need not be angry ; I am
asking for information only, you know.
Well, we will go on to the next verse.
"And there's the extract, Masked and
fine, and priced and saleable at last."
Is tlint poetry? . . . No, I don't want
you to express your opinions about me,
but to answer a simple question... . .
Thank you, so that is your idea of
poetry. Now we can get on. " And
HOBBS, NOBBS, STOKES and NOKES com-
bine." [Loud laughter.
The Judge. HOBBS ? Anything to do
with the Leviathan ? [Renewed laughter.
Mr. S. And who is NOBBS ? Friend
of yours? . . . Only a type? Well,
that is disappointing. (Laughter.) And
who are Messrs. STOKES and NOKES?
Your solicitors, by any chance ? (Laugh-
ter.) . . . Oh, no offence meant. So
they 're only types too ? " HOBBS hints
blue — straight he turtle eats." Will
you be good enough, Mr. BROWNING, j ust
to*' hint blue " — for the enlightenment
of the jury ? (Laughter) — Well, your Mr.
HOBBS did it, you know. Then " NOBBS
prints blue."
The Judge. Blue-letter type, no doubt.
[Laughter.
Mr. S. " Who fished the murex up ? "
Is that a riddle? . . . But you must
know, if you wrote the poem. And then
the last line : " What porridge had JOHN
KEATS?" (Prolonged laughter.) Why
porridge, Mr. BROWNING ? And who was
JOHN (KEATS — another type ? . . . Oh, a
real poet this tune? And what does
this line mean — or has it no meaning at
all ? . . . And you consider that all this
balderdash about concha, and porridge,
and NOKES and STOKES and murexes and
KEATS really deserves to be called poetry ?
. . . Thank you ; you can stand down.
[At this point the Jury intimated that
they had heard enough of the case,
and returned a verdict for the
defendant.
VOL. cxxvi.
380
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 1, 190-1.
TO C.-B., MINING EXPERT.
(See Cartoon opposilr.)
MASTER of that obscure infernal craft,
The work of almost diabolic wits,
Whereby the foeman, taken fore or aft,
Is meant to be dispersed in little bits,
(Or else the engineer who laid the snare
Cleaves inadvertently the ambient air) : —
Loose on the high seas in an open boat
(\"i<le ensuing page) the limner's lines
Present your counterfeit in train to float
Another batch of detonative mines,
So that the course of any hostile ark
May be extremely tricky after dark.
Why are their lethal properties so small?
Think you this impotence is due to damp ?
Do they explode too soon, or not at all ?
Or is there treachery within the camp--
Some spy that serves the enemy with maps,
Showing the sites of all your booby-traps ?
|
There is, of course, another stamp of mine
(Which also sometimes undergoes a slump),
Built on a totally distinct design
From such as make a nervous vessel j ump ;
Can you have possibly confused with these
The toils we set for coolies overseas ?
\ay, rather, like a hen that seeks the shade,
There furtively to drop her egg apart,
And, having done the deed and got it laid.
Blazons the fact from IVxilish pride of heart,—
So with the secret bombs you darkly lay,
Your instant cackling gives the game away.
And so you try, and try, and try again
To crumple up your rivals' rotten fleet,
Strewing your engines round the astonied main,
And yet their lighting strength is still complete,
Save that in dirty weather one or two
Have stove each other in — no thanks to you.
Well, cast them on the waters how you will,
The " best-laid " mines, we know, " gang aft agley,'
Yet, though their mere explosive power be nil,
Death has another move, as grim, to play ;
For, while they watch the little pranks you 're after,
The enemy may always die of laughter! 0. S.
MR. PUNCH'S AUTOGRAPH SALE.
Selections from the Catalogue, with Prices realised.
CARLYLE (THOMAS), Historian mnl 1'liilosophfr. to JOHX RUSKIX
describing his first meeting with Sir J. CRICHTOX-BROWNE :
.... FROUDE, coming in at tea-time yesterday, brought
with him a strange Dumfries body, by name CwCHTON-BfitHnffi,
but more like a Brownie than a CHICIITOX. The creature
a Dox-WiiisKERAXDOS-Oi \]>REAin'-eloiigated-l''.i>\VARi>-CLARKE in
physiognomy, has strange whimsies on sanitation and diet-
voluble in abuse of tannin and home-spun tweed. At lasi
FROUDE carried off his semi grand hygienic Panjandrum am
left me to smoke in peace. . . .
[Mr. WIXSTOX CHURCHILL, 21s.]
MAY (EDNA), Comedienne, to GEORGE MEREDITH, expressing
admiration of his genius and asking for an autograph :
I know that for poor little Me to address such a
great man is like Mahomet going to the mountain or carrying
coals to Newcastle or anyhow something quite unusual and
ibsurd but I must tell you what a flood of sunshine your
glorious books have shed on the existence of a poor little
strutting actress. If it had not been for my reading of
Diana of the Crossways I should never have dared to assume
the chief part in the Belle of New York, so perhaps you will
lot think me forward if I ask you to sign your name, with
in appropriate quotation, in my birthday book, which please
find enclosed. . . . [Mr. WILLIAM WHITELEY, £25.]
ROSEBERY (Lord), Liberal Statesman, to Miss ADA BLENKIN-
SOP, Head Girl of Minerva House School, Epsom, declining
proposal that he should contribute to the School Magazine :
I regret profoundly that I am unable to comply with
your courteous request. But the multifarious demands on
my limited leisure preclude the possibility of acceptance.
Apart from that I greatly doubt whether any effusion from my
unpractised pen could possibly reach the standard of excel-
.ence exacted by the conductors of your meritorious periodical.
[t would be inexpressibly painful for me to illustrate in my
iwn person the truth of the adage Sus Minervam. As a
token, however, of the profound respect I entertain for your
effort to develop the cult of belles let t res in a town so dear
to me and mine, perhaps you will do me the honour of
accepting the accompanying revolving bookcase containing
<i complete set of the novels of Mrs. HENRY WOOD.
[Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT, 7*. Gd.~\
WATTS-DUNTON (THEODORE), G ('/<«// Poet-critic, to the Station-
master at Dunton Green, on tlie Soutli Euxtern Itnilirai/.
in reply to the suggestion that the station should be
renamed Watts-Dunton Green, after the Mauler :
.... But as I have said, such a request, at once so
flattering and so just, could not have been proffered at all a
hundred years ago. It is part of the Renascence of Wonder.
In .1 //firm, Chapter XXVII. (page 87 of the cheap edition,
with my portrait on the cover ; page 168 of the six-shilling
edition, which I recommend)- -in Aylwin, as you will doubtless
remember, I have something to say of this question and its
bearing upon South country lines
[Mr. JAMES DOUGLAS, £5.]
PARKER (Sir GILBERT), M.P., Legislator, Xnrel'mt nml Amphi-
tryon, to HACKEXSCHMIDT, Wrestler, declining n i-milest :
That strong men now and then should be pitted against
each other in friendly rivalry 1 should, I trust, be the last to
deny. But there are occasions when, however much one's
inclinations may persuade, one's decision must be against the
easier way. As Prince BISMARCK remarked to me almost the
last time I saw him, Duty is Duty ("Pflicht ist Pflicht "i, and
I have never forgotten it. On Thursday evening, the date
you suggest, I have to take the chair at the annual dinner of
the Society of Canadian Boatmen in Ixmdou. Hence,
delighted as I should have been to meet you, I must respect-
fully decline. Possibly in the Ides of March we may find a
more suitable date. [MADRALI, 2s. lid]
CUNK (HALL), Manx Fictionist «/«/ Sliiie.^itniii, to ROBERT ABEI,,
suggesting collaboration in a novel:
While riding home to Greeba Castle yesterday I conceived
the scheme of a great, cricket novel, in which the foster
brother of the POPE, kidnapped in infancy by an unscru-
pulous Neapolitan pianola player, and growing up to manhood
in the purlieus of Kennington, develops wonderful skill as a
cricketer, is elected captain of the Oval team, and performs
the hat trick in the final Cup Tie match at the Crystal Palace.
PUNCH, <>|; T!IF, 1,ONI><>\ CHARIVARI .h\i: 1. ]<)<)!.
A SLUMP IN MINES.
C.-B. (loq.l " I 'VE BEEN LADING THESE THINGS ALL ABOUT THE PLACE FOR THE LAST
FOUB MONTHS, ,\\i> THE HII.LY IDIOTS WON'T RUN INTO THEM;''
JUNE 1, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
383
NON COMMITTAL.
SCENE— Fashionable Auction Booms. A Picture Sale.
Amateur Collector (after taking advice of Expert No. 1, addresses Expert No. 2). "WHAT DO ion THINS OF THE PICTDBE? I AM
ADVISED TO BUY IT. Is IT NOT A FINE TlTIAN ? "
Expert No. 2 (wishing to please loth parties). "I DON'T THINK YOU CAN oo FAB WEONO, FOR ANYHOW, IF IT ISN'T A TITIAN. IT'S A
REPE-TITION."
Although deeply interested in the spectacular and emotional
side of cricket, I confess that my technical knowledge leaves
something to be desired. To guard against the possibility
of any inaccuracy, I am desirous of enlisting the aid of an
expert, and you at once occurred to me as predestined by
your name as an ideal collaborator. " The Batster, by CAINE
and ABEL " — why, the very title-page alone is worth a million
copies ! If you do not see your way to fall in with my sug-
gestion, I think of applying to Mr. TOSSETTI, the Essex
amateur. His (presumably) Italian extraction, and the resem-
blance of his surname to that of my dear friend and protege,
D. G. ROSSETTI, are weighty credentials. But I cling to the
notion of our partnership. You see I hope to be the
" Governor " of the Isle of Man some day
[ALBERT TROTT, 10s.
EXTRACT from a bill exhibited in a shop window in High
Street, Haslemere, advertising a Marionette Show :—
" The greatest care has been taken in forming the pieces so that the
morals of the Younger Branches may not be injured, and yet the more
Mature may witness the performance with pleasure."
" And yet " is felicitous.
OUR MR. JABBERJEE IN THE FAR EAST.
vir.
On Banks of Yalu.
April 30, Just Before, the Historic Battle of
Kiu-Lien-Cheng.
WITHOUT professing that any prophet has, like St. Martin,
divided his mantle with such a poor beggar as this un-
deserving self, I shall still hazard the confident prediction
that it is two out of eight that, within the next twenty-four
hours, a rather decisive terra-firma combat of Japs versus
Russians will be the fait accompli ! [En. COM.— We have
every reason to believe that this singularly accurate forecast
cannot have been penned less than two days after the event.]
I will further venture my opinion that (as I have anticipated
from the first) the Japanese Chrysanthemum is to walk over
its ursine antagonist.
This morning I was present at a War-Council, at which I
found Col. KHAKIMONO and his staff dismally apprehending
that some gleaming Russian cohorts might come down like
folded wolves, and cross the Yalu at very short notice.
" Pardon me, Misters," I politely interpolated, " why not
meet your sea of troubles half-way by crossing Yalu first?"
been
rather too military abruptitude,
ince we should immediately become targets for
nt reached musketry practices ! "
-Still," I queried, -could you not prepare them ft
trick with preliminarv caunonadii.-
Tliat would simply be skittles." lie returned "seem*
hat we have fieldpieces of too great levity to propel ball, at
^••Hu^-'ltSest:!'- could you not borrow bulkier ,h^"h,,«
utillery from some armoured gun-junk at mouth o •• ,„„„,„ _-
riien. bv hoisting such petards upon a hill top. >ou woi 3m ta „ journals-in wmch of course no mention will
nfalliblv obtain a more extended suootrng-range.
•• Are'guns volatile*." he demanded ironically, I^Ua pity- that I have come out without my wireU-ss
ire to fly to such altitu.l, hJ-manhic pole but it is too complicated a concern to be
-You are evidently ignorant. I returned that, n OIL teW"^£ imDUnitv from the back of anv horse, not
recent Boer War. honble PKHCY Seorr mvented _a _ nunnery manipulated with inipunit; ta _ ^.^ ^^ ^
n- which
IlCrtKllOlY iv i-i » lyvvm. • - • f -
spirited sketch of said vehicle, with a few improvement
have iust been ferried over the lalu in a puntoon
toother with Col. K.. Staff and Sho-ji. Remainder of
s are crossing in other puntoons. I am not
(.- severe sensations of funkiness. ...
me to state that I do not perceive any of
on the field of battle, and can only
they have overslept themselves, or that
unable to screw their courages to the
- this, I daresay, is not to prohibit them
fanciful and idealistic descriptions to
KCU'Il Ol ?vliu \ciiiv»e, », *—« i .
ny own. " Here." 1 -xiid rather waggishly. " are pin
\-our iron pigs ! "
\ud as soon as they comprehended the contrivance, they
were instantaneously metamorphosed from dismal Jeinmi.
to Sunny Jims, and" unanimously agreed that I had mde
proved myself the missing lynx.
Yen- prudently they have not permitted any grass to gro
on their feet, but have at once commanded gun-carnages to
be constructed after own design by a military carnage-builder,
and Lave sent down to a gun-junk, requesting the temporary
loan of its finest camions, which are already pulley-hauled t.
the summit of a commanding elevation. ,,11 • v.
At daybreak to-morrow they are to commence the ball with
a bombardment -and, though the result is still a toss-up on
lap of gods, my very slight acquaintance with military
strategies convinces me that it is to fall out in our favour.
Col. K. has very kindly invited me to witness to-morrow s
battle in his company ."and offer any suggestions that may
occur to me as an cimicus curio1. \Vhich I have of course
willingly consented to do gratis.
I am inditing these lines by the sickish light of the moon,
on Shoji, who is voluntarily serving as my temporary wnting-
table. I rejoice to say that my trusty quadruped is now a
valetudinarian, and will, I hop, be sufficiently robust to carry
me out of any ordinary conflict.
My thoughts are now exclusively engaged with my wives
and "progenies. If. unhappily, I am nipped in my bud, what
is to become of them? It is only too probable that even
the person of a Punch representative will not necessarily be
sacred to a Russian sapper. However. I am buoyed up with
the inflated hope that, should Fate come with her homd
scissors and snip off my vital thread, then you, benevolent Sir.
will officiate as loving Father to my poor afflicted famdies —
if only as token of remorse for having ever doubted my
eternal verities!
Now. with my Marshal's cloak around me, and my head
pillowed upon Siio-ji's recumbent stomach, I am dropping off
into a calm and serene snooze. Should Heaven be able to
route— rid Calcutta.
familiar with
more than very elementary
forward this by the customary
oute— r acua. .
I am supremely delighted with Sho-jt, who is undergom
his fierv christening with the total indifference of a seasoned
war-hack ! Col. K. bis entreated me not to so rashlv expose
myself— but not having felt any wound, I can afford
make a joke of my sears. ... «__j
LATER —The Battle is now in full blast, but so enveloped
in smoke as to be practically invisible. I might of course
verv easilv fake up some atrociously harrowing word-pictures,
which would be absorbed readily enough by the rather
credulous Editor of Chittagong Conch— but I instinctively
feel that von. Sagacious Sir. are too venerable a bird
swallow such mere chaff. Abo, seeing that your residuary
columns are reserved for facetious matters, I should b<
committing a solecism were 1 to indulge in any too appal
realisms. [ED. COM.— \Ye entirely agree vith our (
spondemt, and can only command ni« self-restraii*.]
' Still, I may perhaps be permitted to mention that poor
Sho-ji has just experienced the close shave of a cannon-ball,
which has utterly demolished his ulterior tail ! Luckily, he
is not in the least disconcerted by such a hair -breadth
^v*pennission of Hon'ble Col. I have harangued each
regiment before they proceed to the firing line, with h
soldierly exhortations, abjuring them to preserve the coolness
— Both sides have exhibited first-class gallantry—
bnt we have succeeded in turning the enemy on to bis
flanks, which has compelled him to fall back rather precipi-
tously. ...
The Russian Bear is now engaged in energetically roiling
down the darkling torrent of Fate, and retiring with grim
persistence. I am pursuing at a respectable distance. - - •
Col. K. is inclined to the opinion' that the pursuit should
be suspended, as it is time for tiffin — but I have warmly
opposed such lukewarm policies, and urged him to make hay
of his foes while the sun is shining, and to smite their hips
and thighs before they are out of his touch. \Ybich, having
into a calm and serene snooze. Should tteaven be able to ana tmgns oeiore iiiej arc uui «•. o»
spare me. and I am pennitted by Censorship to lift the brazen > now a more exalted opinion of my mibtary acumen, H
veil of silence, vou mav perhaps receive some rather sensational ] accordingly doing. - - - ,
report* If on the other hand, my destined address is on I have just overtaken a Russian officer, and was court
tlifwrong side of Gates of Grave, you may rely on my using i lamenting his fortuae of war, when, to my amM«
best endeavours to fall with as much similarity to a soldier as found that he was cockahoopuig with itent, at ertuig «»»
possible !
BSttUie ;
But I entreat, sympathetic Sir. tliat you are not to snivel
too ineonsolably over my spilt milk. . . . Good-night.
IL'll-HM Hiill AIC M tV3 ' -V^, ^^•••••'•[•"•^ ** J.U-*. *_^»u.»'«_«» E»
everything had turned out most fortunately, since they had
succeeded in ascertaining our strength, and wane getting
nearer to their base of operations !
7trtr 10 lueu uoac ui. u^«rit»m.«uo .
M\Y lUv: E\RLY MoRxixc.. - Col. K. has just called me.! He is immoderately amused by Japanese simplicity in not
with the "intimation that, if I desire to witness any fighting, . seeing through such transparent tactics. - - -
1 am to tumble out ,>7u>-J4 is so overpowered by somnolence TEX O'CLOCK. P.M.— Our bugle has now warbl
th-u he declines u. rise till the very List moment. At length [night cloud has been lowered, the stars are
1. 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE L"\I), ,\ I'HARIVARI.
_
-
-
:.
UJ 2-
o -•
g 5-
I!5
-
ui i
-
386
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 1, 1904.
celestial sentry-go, and myself, with
thousands of others, have sunk on the
ground overpowered !
Col. K. and Staff have iust called at
my tent to make the handsome acknow-
ledgment that, humanly speaking, they
owe their victory to my instigation. It
seems I am to receive some distinguished
service decoration or other !
But, lackadaisy, every rose has a thorn
in its side ! and I regret to report that
the gallant steed which has borne me
through the day is again totally collapsed,
owing to nervous prostration ! If he is no
better to-morrow, I shall bo compelled to
apply for leave of absence, and conduct him
back to Korea, to consult his horse-doctor,
and be fitted with a new tail-piece.
May I, in conclusion, hope that, as
some slight recognition of the additional
prestige I have procured for Punch, you
will consider the proprietude of augment-
ing my slender stipend by stumping up
with an extra bonus ? H. B. J.
MUSICAL JOTTINGS.
A TERRIBLE blow has befallen Professor
ERASMUS BILGER. While he was on his
way to Constantinople to give a " com-
mand " performance before the SULTAN,
the Orient express was boarded by a bevy
of Koutso-Vlach condottieri at Nish,
and little BOLESLAS BILGER, the idolised
three-year-old son of the famous Bess-
arabian composer, was kidnapped and
carried off into the Blue Carpathian
Mountains. The distracted parents were
reduced to a condition of abject coma
for several days, and could be kept alive
only by hypodermic injections of stron-
tium, nitre-glycerine, digitalis, and other
powerful explosives. Search parties
were at once organised at positively
prohibitive cost by Dr. LUNN, General
DE GIORGIS, and Mr. CHARLES MANNERS.
The last-named, tastefully disguised in
the costume of Mephistopheles, is scour-
ing the mountains in every direction,
striking terror into the hearts of the
Komitadjis, and if herculanean strength
and bewitching moodiness are any
guarantee of success can hardly fail to
restore the enfant perdu to the afflicted
authors of its being.
The infant prodigy market, supplies
for which are remarkably fine in both
quality and quantity, still remains firm.
On Friday last little EUTERPE PAPADIA-
MANTOPOULO, the infant contrabassist from
Mitylene, made her debut at Maryborough
House in BOTTESINI'S thirteenth concerto.
On the previous day PAULINE MAROFATTI,
aged seven, sang the closing scene from
Gotterddmmerung at a charity concert at
Grosvenor House, and was immediately
engaged by Mr. H. V. HIQGINS for next
season at Covent Garden. Amongst
recent arrivals at the Carlton are
SIGISMUND BLOWSKY, from Prague, aged
five, violinist ; GEMMA and GIUDITTA
COLOCOTRONIS, twin sisters, aged nine,
harpists ; and IGNAZ POPPER, aged three,
whose performances on the rattle have
created such a furore in the Eepublic
of San Marino.
On Monday last little PETZY, the
Albino child pianolist, had the honour
of playing before the Hereditary Mar-
gravine of LITHIA. The tiny toddler was
taken to Potass House in her peram-
bulator, and carried to the royal apart-
ments by her devoted parents, accom-
panied by her impresario, her advance
agent, and her bill-stickers. After lay-
ing aside her bottle with the prettiest
of baby gestures, she approached the
instrument with the decision of a diva,
and played BILGER'S beautiful but com-
plex etude in F without a tremor.
There was not a dry eye in the room.
The Margravine, who was much over-
come, presented the marvellous infant
with a box of pralines, and the seance
concluded. PETZY has not a vacant date
until July, 1907, when she will be four.
Madame BAREILLY BLAMANGE, the famous
pianist, whose father, a distinguished
Mutiny veteran, named her after the
sanguinary battle on whose anniver-
sary she first saw the light, has just
celebrated what she happily calls her
pianofortieth birthday by a charming
and original party at her splendid
mansion in Arlington Street. The
entertainment comprised a serenade
by the Misericordia Amateur Orchestra,
a new Water-polonaise by the Turbine
Trio, a delicious sermonette by Canon
COCKERELL, and a birthday ode with
trumpet obbligato written, composed, and
recited by the heroine of the occasion.
The presents included a richly-timbered
and undulating Spotstroke Cottage piano
with basaltic plinth and holophote attach-
ments from Sir ALBERT BARKER : silver-
mounted Persian kit-bag (Count TOLSTOI):
box of Borneo cigars (Cardinal EAM-
POLLA) : |lb. Everton Toffee (FRANZ
VECSEY).
Mr. JAMES MORRELL'S season of Ver-
nacular Grand Opera opened at the
Neptune Theatre, Balham, on Saturday
night. The work chosen to inaugurate
the venture was GOUNOD'S Borneo and
Juliet, but before the performance an
interesting costume lecture on the
SHAKSPEARK-BACON controversy was given
by Mr. SIDNEY LEE. The proceeds of
the season are to be handed over to the
Chancellor of the Exchequer with a view
to reducing the income tax, but at the
close of Saturday's performance Mr.
MORRELL was able to announce that a
deficit of no less than £200 had been
realised. A special feature of the
evening was the trial of the new in-
visible hermetically - sealed talc roof
to the orchestra. The device worked
perfectly in keeping down the volume
of sound, but unfortunately, owing to an
insufficient supply of compressed air,
three members of the orchestra perished
of suffocation. Mr. MORRELL is, however,
confident that ho will be able to continue
using the talc roof without serious loss
of life. He has pointed out in a long
letter to the Times that the structure is
vegetable-proof, that it will resist the
impact of a rabbit, and reminds him
and Madame SANKEY MORRELL, by its
chaste and corrugated appearance, of a
musical beehive.
M. PADEREWSKI has just returned to
Poland after spending a week at
Madame SARAH BERNHARDT'S marine
pavilion on the coast of Brittany. The
sport was excellent, including shrimp-
shooting with saloon pistols, crab-
stalking, &c., M. PADEREWSKI'S biggest
bag including 14 jelly-fish, 11 mussels,
3 brace of shrimps, a small conger-eel,
and a large piece of cork. The intrepid
pianist charmed the rough fishermen by
his affability and condescension, and is
said to have composed a new Cracoviak
in their honour.
KUBELIK, acting on a hint from Mr. A.
B. WALKLEY, has decided to renew his
acquaintance with the classics, and is at
present translating Longinus on the
Sublime into Hungarian, with the assist-
ance of Count TASSILO FESTETICS, Baron
BANFFY, Count PALFFY, and Professor
ARMINIUS VAMBERY. It is understood
that Count KHUEN-HEDERVARY, the Ban
of Croatia, will contribute a brief
preface, and that the index will be
prepared by M. POBIEDONOSTZEFF, the
Procurator of the Holy Synod. The
work, which will be published in crimped
lambskin at 21s. net, will be copiously
illustrated with portraits of the translator.
THE ALAKE OF ABEOKUTA'S BUSY WEEK.
May 24.— The . Alake of ABEOKUTA,
chief of the West African Egbas, pre-
vented by the wet weather from seeing the
Zoo, visits the Colonial Office in State.
May 25.— The Alake of ABEOKUTA,
again unable to reach the Zoo, inspects
the offices of the Daily Mail. Having
only thirteen orders with him he can
decorate only a limited number of the
gifted brothers.
May 26.— The Alake of ABEOKUTA once
more sets out to see the Zoo, but gets no
further than Lord's, where he watches a
cricket match with increasing depres-
sion. In the evening he contributes the
Abeokutan Point of View to the Daily
Mail, and gives it as his opinion that
what would make the game is bloodshed.
.Irxi; I. 1904.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON C HA It IV A I! I.
387
\ln H L'7. 'I'ln- Alake of AHKUKI i \, ac
coiiipjiniiMl In Mr. AlSEOBOYBGJ Km V, at
last reaches the '/.<«i. .Mr. Kin N is nnich
impressed liy tin' snakes, to whom lie
offers apples.
MIII/ L'S. The Make of Al'.K<>Kl I \
travels by special tniin to llighbnrx.
where he is the finest of .Mr. C'lIAMI'.I.Kl.MN.
lie leaves the house ill the evening full
of praise of the right hon. gentleman,
saying that inall Abeo thereis nonecnter.
MIII/ 'JO. -The Alake of AW'.OKITA
reeeiw's YKI si.V the child violinist ill
private audience, orders two pianolas
and a barrel organ, and elevates him to
the post of Potential Bandmaster of the
Egbas' Wliite Watch.
Mni/ .'](). The Alake of ABEOKUTA and
suite spend the afternoon and evening
at the Hippodrome. The Alake is
enraptured with MAWT.LINK, whom he
endeavours to purchase as his Court
.lester. .M Mil 'KLINE being unavailable,
Mr. OTHO Twice, the ringmaster, offers
his services but is not accepted.
T1IK MK.MolRS OF A DIVINITY.
!SH;/;/C.I,'IT/ li/i 1/i'moi/vi iif Snrnh I!, in
I \KOSE one September morning, my
heart leaping with some vague tliought
of coming joy. 1 was on the eve of my
fourteenth birthday, and I was a tail
child for my age, being about seven feet
hi^li and as thin as a lath. Yon can sec1
this in the picture of me in the Xti-ninl
MiiijHzhw. I pressed my forehead
against the window panes, looking at I
know not what. Perhaps I expected to
see Mme. Qu&UKD, whom, in defiance of
sense as well as grammar, I used to call
mon -[letlt dame. Strange that a French
girl, or any girl, should make dame
masculine! But genius cannot be
hampered by genders !
Suddenly 1 heard my mother — mon
n:< re I used to call her — asking for
me. I plunged into bed again, and
then I heard my mother say that after
dljeuner there would be a conseil de
famitte. I went into hysterics imme-
diately. As a child I was rather ex-
citable.
Then weeping I went in to lunch, and
found assembled mon tantc, mon amiver-
nante,ma par rain — as I called them —
and the Due DE Monxv. It was a
melancholy meal ; mome ct MOHNY, as I
have often said since.
"Comment o// ' asked the
Due. I did not answer this memorable
fj nest ion of that gay but cynical
aristocrat.
After ilejcnn/'r we went into the
drawing-room and there we found
M. LEsrmx, a friend of the family, who
always called me inn til. The worst
thing about our disregard of genders
"•is that it rendered our meaning
Visitor. "I'VE JCST BEEN TO MAKE MY FIBST CALL ON MltS. JoiIN-'.s "
Lady of the House. " So GLAD, DEAR. POOR THING, SHE 's GLAD TO KNOW ASYOXE .'
obscure. I have never been able to
make out whether he meant mon fil,
because I was as thin as a thread, or
simply ma file. There were also present
my uncles FELIX FAURE, JULES GREW
and CASIMIR PERIER — none of them in
any way connected with the Presidents
of the Republic. There was also a
notary from Havre, who was not only
ugly, having red hair and a face that
seemed like the back of his head, but
actually wore a pair of spectacles on his
nose. If he had worn them on his chin
I think he would have seemed less
repulsive.
The Due de MORXT sat next to my
aunt, with his arm round her waist. It
appeared to me that he was carrying on
a slight flirtation with her.
" You ought," said he, " to send this
little girl to the Conservatoire."
He then patted my cheek, kissed my
aunt, and bowed to all the others. Ah,
what it is to be un grand seigneur !
After this he took his departure,
and I rolled on the floor and screamed.
I was an excitable child. The Con-
servatoire! What was it? A conser-
vatory, a hot-house, what we call [a
xerre? A forcing-house to make me
grow taller, and I already seven feet
high ! My uncles and the others
wagged their heads. " All ! Oh! Eli.
ma fil i Hum ! Hum ! " said M. LESPRI.X.
I shall never forget those prophetic and
wronderful words.
Suddenly someone shouted " She is
too thin ! " I immediately went into
388
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVAKI
[JUNE 1, 1904.
AN IMAGINARY LINE.
Master Tom. "1 SAY, MUMMIE, I DIDN'T KNOW THE EQUATOR WAS LIKE THAT."
Mother. "WHAT ABE YOU TALKING ABOUT, CHILD?"
Master Tom. "WELL, Miss TEACHEM TOLD us IT WAS A MENAGERIE LION OOISQ ROUKD THE WORLD
hysterics and was carried off to bed, where I screamed ' Au
Conservatoire!" for sixteen hours without ceasing. As a
child I was excitable.
The next day we all squeezed into a cab — it was rather a
tight fit, but my uncles and the Due DE MORNY went on the
box — and drove to the Francais. When we were all installed
in a loge I should have fainted from the crush if the sharp
knees of my governess, thrust into my back, had not kept me
painfully conscious of everything. Soon I began^ to cry.
The audience, hearing my sobs, gazed at our box. That was
my first appearance in any theatre. Then I was taken home
in hysterics. That was the delut of my artistic career. An
impatient world will read of it with joyful eagerness.
THAMES WEATHER.
COME, GEORGE, give your clubs and your Haskells a rest, man :
You can't spend the whole of your lifetime in golf ;
If it pleases your pride I '11 admit you 're the best man
That ever wore scarlet or teed a ball off ;
I '11 allow they can't match you in swinging or driving,
That your shots are as long as they always are true,
And I '11 grant that what others effect after striving
For years on the green comes by nature to you.
But the sun's in the sky, and the leaves are a-shiver
With a soft bit of breeze that is cool to the brow ;
And I seem to remember a jolly old river
Which is smiling all over — I think you know how.
There are whispers of welcome from rushes and sedge there,
There 's a blaze of laburnum and like and may ;
There are lawns of close grass sloping down to the edge there ;
You can lie there and lounge there and dream there to-day.
There are great spreading chestnuts all ranged in their arches
With their pinnacled blossoms so pink and so white ;
There are rugged old oaks, there are tender young larches,
There are willows, cool willows, to chequer the light.
Each tree seems to ask you to come and be shaded —
It 's a way they all have, these adorable trees—
And the leaves all invite you to float down unaided
In your broad-bottomed punt and to rest at your ease.
And then, when we 're tired of the dolee far niente,
We "11 remember our skill in the grandest of sports,
Imagine we 're back at the great age of twenty,
And change our long clothes for a zephyr and shorts.
And so, with a zest that no time can diminish,
We will sit in our boat and get forward and dare,
As we grip the beginning and hold out the finish,
To smite the Thames furrows afloat in a pair. R. C. L.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARf. .IUXK 1, 1004.
THE MANCHUBIAN STAKES.
MR. BULL. " JAPAN LEADS ! "
MADAME LA FRANCE. " AH ! BUT THEY 'RE NOT YET ROUND THE CORNER ! "
JUNE 1, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
391
OPERATIC NOTES.
leaves from the Covent Garden.
THE hit of lli«' season up to now, armrdiii^ to tin- general
nliet, would In- Li'VNru.u.i.o's Pagtiacci, as perfectly rni-
il.-rril musically and dramatically by the cast that included
our Signor CARKSO,
magnificent as
<'<i >i io, and our
Fraulein DESTIXX,
admirable as
Nedda. Signer
Scorn's Tonio is
also a fine imper-
sonation, and M.
SKVEILHAC, in the
comparatively small
part and rather
ungrateful one of
l^ilrio, completes a
cast which must
ever be memorable
in the Covent
< !arden annals of
Operatic drama.
" Haee olim MAN-
CINELLI juvabunt "
when at some
future time he
scores notes of a
condiictor's remi-
Van Rooy. A regular nailer at a Sole-o, when _:„»__„.
he makes another striking hit. . ,
A German night
with WAGNER'S Die Meistersingcr is another feature of this
particular season. The parts in the opera are all well filled,
and so is every part of the house. Herr VAN KOOY a splendid
Hans Sachs the cobbler, in voice perfectly bootiful. Herr
HEROLD, too, excellent as Walther von Stolzing, and to
Frau Eon as the sweet singing Eva Wagnerian enthusiasts
could go on listening " for Eva and for Eva ! " As for
Dr. Head-and-HANS RICHTER his conduct in the chair leaves
nothing whatever to be desired ; what he, his orchestra, and
tout ensemble fail to do, need not be attempted, elsewhere or
here for the matter of that, with any chance of success.
25. — Crowded house for Rigoletto. Tenor CAKUSO
0>o.
x\
"A German night."
announced with Soprano MELBA. Signor CARUSO came;
Madame MELBA unfortunately didn't. Of course a note from
her reached the management, but not the audience, who
regretted they couldn't hear from her. So without MELBA,
temporarily invalided, the house takes full value for its
money in SYLVA, as Gilda, and expresses itself quite satisfied
with the performance, seeing that there ia such a tenor as
CARUSO for the part of " the Book." Altogether satisfactory.
Opera generally going strong, in spite of the little agitato
movement of Tunes v. Times.
REPAIRS
PRPM PTUY
ATTENDED
TO
APPETISING.
THE Westminster Gazette announced last
week that on Monday (now past) at the KING'S
Levee there would be " a number of general
presentations but only a thin entree and a
small Diplomatic Circle." That mention of a
" thin entree " looked queer. It is all over by
now, but let us hope that in consequence of the
" Diplomatic Circle " being "small" there was
sufficient entree, however thin, to go round.
The name of the entree was not given. Some-
thing very tasty, of course.
A Hammer-us Trio.
DANGER, MINE AND THINE.— This is every-
body's danger who has a speculative turn. As
for "floating Mines" a well-known expert
observes that, relying on past experience, he
will back himself to float any mines, however
dangerous they may be (to others), and come
i off with a fair profit himself.
392
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 1, 1904.
TROUBLE AHEAD
On, THE PEIUI.S OF THE WEEKLY EXODUS.
[" Some Sunday, when the moon is at her lowest, and most of the
telegraph offices are closed, Germany will declare war, fall upon the
English coasts, and stab the Empire at its heart l>y a. descent upon
London. And beyond a few messenger boys and doorkeepers and
charwomen, thev will iind no one in the Government offices to receive
them. All the Ministers and responsible officials will be idling in the
country, motoring and playing golf, or inspecting ant irjui lies, or chatting
under the garden trees." — "Sigma" In the "Dally Diapalrh."]
Saturday, May 28, 3 P.M.- -Owing to dissatisfaction with
provisions of the Alien Immigration Act, an ultimatum was
forwarded by the Government of Barataria to the British
Premier, demanding repeal of the obnoxious clauses within
two hours of its receipt. The messenger, however, after
repeatedly knocking and ringing at No. 10, Downing Street,
failed to elicit a reply or to induce anybody to open the
door. The document was then taken on by a passing post-
man, with its envelope marked, " Gone away — left no address,"
to the Dead Letter Office, whence it was eventually returned
to Baratari?.
Mail 28, 5 P.M. — On the expiry of the allotted two hours
the Baratarian Ambassador proceeded to the Foreign Office
to demand his passports, but was unable to make his wishes
clear to the solitary occupant of the building, an ancient
dame whose hearing was impaired. She recommended his
Excellency at length to try the Lost Property Office in Scot-
land Yard, which establishment, needless to say, was closed.
The Ambassador, therefore, boarded the first train for Dover,
without taking official leave.
Sunday, May 29, 2 A.M. — Under cover of a cloudy night, a
Baratarian squadron of three submarines made its way up
the Thames to Blackfriars, where it torpedoed and sank the
British fleet there stationed. The loss of life was happily
not great, as a cabin-boy was the only person aboard. The
incident passed for the time unnoticed by the solitary police-
man on the Embankment beat. Shortly afterwards, and
before an alarm could be given, he was overpowered by the
1 Sanitarians, who had noiselessly effected a landing at the
Temple stairs. The invaders, a party some thirty strong,
then marched through the deserted City streets and occupied
successively the Mansion House (in the absence of the Lord
Mayor), the Bank of England, the various newspaper offices,
and the Tower, where the night Beefeater was caught
napping and speedily rendered /iocs ilp. combat.
May 29, 6 A.M. — An East End milkman got wind of the
annexation of the City by the Baratarians, and spread the
alarm through the sparsely-inhabited regions of the West.
Meanwhile the new masters of the Metropolis were reinforced
by a contingent of their alien friends in Whitechapel, and
resistance was seen to be useless. The caretakers (twenty-
three in number) of Belgravia, the forty odd housemaids of
Kensington, and the Beadle of Hanover Square surrendered
at discretion. A middle-aged cook in Mayfair was inclined
to show fight, but finally capitulated on seeing herself out-
numbered.
Mai/ 29, Noon. — The back-door of the War Office was forced
without much difficulty by the enemy, though some little
opposition was offered by the Government cat. A strong
guard of three was here mounted, and a look-out was kept for
Mr. ARNOLD-FoitSTEit, who, however, did not turn up. The
Admiralty and other offices were similarly taken over. They
were all found to be unoccupied.
May 29, 2 P.M. The Palace of Westminster was entered by
means of a skeleton key. and the Emperor of BARATARIA'S
Proclamation to his new subjects formally read from the throne
in the House of Lords, rewarding all the pro-Baratariane with
peerages. At the same moment the Baratarian national flag
was run up at the top of the Victoria Tower. The rest of the
day was given up to rejoicing on the part of the'now emanci-
pated aliens, varied with the collection of valuables and bric-a-
brac from West End mansions.
Monday, May 30, 8 A.M. — Londoners began to return from
their week-end, and learnt too late from their morning papers of
the coup d'etat which had been effected during their culpable
absence from town. They had to bow, however, to force
majeure.
DRAWBACKS.
PITY the sorrows of a minor bard,
Whose fettered spirit, emulous to vie
In leppings with the wild and wanton pard,
And, with proud head, assault the lower sky,
Now, in the bondage of a great despair,
Miltonically promulgates his views : —
.\lnx, ichat boots it with uncessant care
Strictly to meditate the thankless Muse?
Times I have had great matter for my song,
But lacked the mood to beat my music out ;
Times, when I really felt like going strong,
There wasn't anything to sing about !
0 Mood and Matter, uncongenial pair,
You that so oft have robbed me of my dues,
Tell me, what boots it with uncessant care
Strictly to meditate the thankless Muse?
Yet have I lived, expectant of the hour
When these proud twain in full accord should join,
Bringing me bliss, and comfortable dower
Of pleasing patronage and current coin.
0 Brief as brilliant, Rapturous as rare !
0 Hour too slow to win, too swift to lose,
Whisper, what boots it with uncessant care
Strictly to meditate the thankless Muse ?
To-day, to-day it came ; it charged my blood
With the fair promise of a fruitful time ;
1 saw new metres bursting from the bud ;
The airiest quips, the happiest turns of rhyme,
Tli' inevitable word, all, all were there;
Mine was the noblest theme that one could choose ;
And yet— what boots it with uncessant care
Strictly to meditate the thankless Muse?
I seized the harp ; I smote the frolic strings ;
^ Sweetly the opening prelude waned and died
Even as tho' 'twere borne on angels' wings;
My bosom swelled ; my jaws were opened wide ;—
There came an organ-grinder in the Square,
Grinding the engine such barbarians use!
Alas, what boots it with uncessant care
Strictly to meditate the thankless Muse ?
Ah me, I could not catch him in the chase.
1 could not glut my purpose to destroy ;
Even to cuff him on the head and face
To me had been a melancholy joy !
Screaming, with flapping hands, and flying hair,
Scatheless he fled, and passed without a bruise ;
"U hile 1 what boots it with uncessant care
Strictly to meditate the thankless Muse ?
Now have I laboured through the long, long day ;
My mood has passed ; the jocund strings are dumb ;
The World has lost an epoch-making lay,
And I, both fame and honorarium !
The chance of years has melted into air ;
The Star of Hope has vanished in the Blues ;
Alan, what boots it with uncessant care
Strictly to meditate tlie thankless Muac?
Duii-DuAi.
JIM: I, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
393
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394
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.
[JONE 1, 1904.
APOLOGIA.
By the reviled spectator.
THEY frankly say at cricket I'm a fool, ^
But none shall tell me that I don't
play straight,
For every time I '11 make a stringent rule
To pay my money promptly at the gate.
And though one ball will always get me
out —
The first straight ball that leaves the
bowler's hand —
During the year I shall beyond a doubt
Be prominent in more than one " grand
stand."
Though as a bowler I 'm no good at all
(I couldn't drop a straight one if I
tried),
Yet I '11 deliver many a good-length bawl
When things are going nicely for my
side.
And though my fielding 's hardly worth
a glance,
This in my favour I can safely say,
I '11 never through the season miss a
chance —
A chance to watch a good game when
I may.
So, though I 'm not a RANJI or a HELP,
Be gentle with me, scornful playing
men;
I '11 go to watch you every time myself,
And take a maiden over now and then.
Professor RUTHERFORD has informed the
loyal Institution that, owing to the
existence of radium, the end of the
world, which some scientists had esti-
mated would arrive in a few hundreds
>f thousands of years, may be postponed
or a million aeons. We trust this state-
ment will put a stop to jerry-building.
We like to see a great man free from
pride. We learn from a recent issue of
he Express that CHARLIE SMITH, the
champion shoe-black of London, per-
mitted a representative of that organ to
lold converse with him.
CHARIVARIA.
WE are pleased to see signs already
of a better feeling between Russians and
Japanese. The Svet, a Russian organ
which has not hitherto been remarkable
for the kindliness of its attitude towards
the enemy, last week went out of its
way to point out in the most courteou
language that a siege of Port Arthur
could only prove harmf ul to the Japanese.
Russia continues to appear in her
new role of the apostle of the Open
Door policy. She will shortly open aU
the ports in her possession on the
Pacific, and has succeeded in partially
opening Port Arthur in the teeth o:
Japanese obstruction.
We live in an age of advertisement
In these days of motor-car competition
it is more than ever necessary for rail
way trains to keep themselves before
the public ; and, to show that there is
life in them yet. last week the Ostend
Vienna express ran over four persons ir
succession at Bingenbriick, Bacharach
Bischofsheim and Mayence.
A novelty at the Apollo Theatre jus
now is the appearance of a new kind o
stage donkey. It has four feet.
people who are in the habit of retreating
» the top of this mountain so as to
ivoid being run over by motor-cars.
A priest of the Italian Church, Hatton
Garden, has declared that anyone can
go into the Italian colony without fear
of annoyance. But where, then, do the
)iano-organs live when they are at
lome?
Some satisfaction has been expressed
that the Boer Congress should not have
demanded life pensions for all those
who took part in the war against us ;
)ut it must be remembered that the
Congress is young yet.
Colonel S'WAYNE, Commissioner for
British Somaliland, is returning to the
country to study the situation on the
spot. It is not yet known whether the
Mad Mullah will be allowed to find an
asylum there.
Four West African natives suffering
from sleeping sickness have been brought
safely to the Liverpool School of Tropical
Medicine. The fear that they might
recover on the voyage happily proved
groundless.
The KAISEU has informed LEONCAVALLO
that he (with a small li) is the greatest
dramatic composer of the day. This is
unusually modest of the KAISER.
Mr. T. W. H. CROSLAND has been
writing in the Gentlewoman to prove
that there are no British Humorists.
The British Medical Journal points
out that one of the penalties of consum-
ing unripe bananas is dyspepsia. One
scarcely likes to think what woulc
become of the nation's health were it not
for the warnings published from time to
time by the medical press.
A gentleman writes to the Daily Mai
to complain that even the refreshment-
room at the Royal Academy leaves much
to be desired.
On Thursday last Mr. HARVEY DU CROS
succeeded in reaching the summit o
Snowdon in a four-cylinder 15 h.-p. car
This is bad news for those nervou
The Poet Laureate has written an
anonymous comedietta. This opens up
,he interesting possibility of his having
Deviously published a magnum opus
vithout our knowing of it.
As we go to press, some important
War news reaches us. According to
the New York Journal, the CZAR has
)uckwheat cakes for breakfast, and
Cucumbers scooped out and filled with
iweetbreads for luncheon, and has taken
,o cellular underwear of an American
xrand.
The American city destroyed by fire
for last week was Yazoo City, Missis-
sippi. __________
DEPORTMENT FOR TRAINS.
IN calling the attention of our readers
;o a forthcoming volume under the above
leading, we wish it to be understood
;hat " deportment for trains " does not
refer to any rules of etiquette for the
trains themselves, these being already
tully supplied by the regulations of the
respective companies and by such addi-
tional maxims, having regard to punctu-
ality ("the politeness of engines"),
courtesy in ceding the pas to an express
upon the same line, etc., as will readily
suggest themselves.
The present Manual has for its object
the provision of a few useful hints,
collected from the best authorities, for
the guidance of those whom business or
pleasure causes to travel by rail. They
will be found of great value for the
proper regulation of conduct under
circumstances which are by no means so
easy as might be supposed. A brief
selection is given below.
WAITING AT STATIONS.
Your time being of importance, it is
the duty and privilege of the railway
company to see that your train is ready
for you as soon as you have purchased a
ticket and inspected the bookstalls. If,
therefore, owing to negligence on their
part, you should be compelled to await
its arrival, you are perfectly justified
in expressing disapprobation of such
conduct.
This may be fittingly exhibited by the
demeanour (something between that of
a Cabinet Minister at a crisis and an
angry schoolmaster) with which you
pace the platform. Any observations
or enquiries which you address to the
officials should be delivered as loudly as
possible, so that those passengers in the
neighbourhood may enjoy the pleasure
of sympathy.
JOSE 1, I'.mi.;
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
395
AT A h'Ki tiKsiiMF.vr K'OOM.
|ic|icirtiiii'iit at a refreshment room ia
a matter largely dependent mi tlir sc\ of
the (Importer. Should you be a man.
you will iinil that tin- matter will proba-
bly adjust, itself. If, on the contrary,
you arc a woman, no amount of deport-
ment will make much difference.
SKKIM;, AND HMIV; SKIA on:
This is a transaction of great import-
ance and delicacy. The seer olT should
stand at a distance of about two feet
from the compartment in an attitude of
sorrowful expectation. On Catching the
eye of those within, his face should
momentarily lighten, and ho should
smile and nod briskly. This process
may be repealed any number of times
without fear of overdoing it. Care
should be taken to avoid consulting the
watch or staring impatiently at the
engine. As the train moves off, one
hand may be waved gracefully (it
possible! and a wistful expression con-
in (he countenance. After this it
is bc--t to retire at once1, in case the thing
should be only shunting.
Meanwhile the seen -off will gaze
pensively from the window and return
the nods with, if anything, a shade more
melancholy, befitting one who voyages
into ail unknown and (as regards the
seer-off at least) friendless world. Con-
versation on both sides is generally
restricted to such observations as " Don't
you wait!" "Soon be off now !" and
" Mind you write ! " da capo and ad lib. ;
but topics of a more intimate character
may be broached, and for these what is
called the .Mysterious .Method is recom
mended. A few simple phrases, as, "I
hope she won't tell him about the other
day"; or. "You see we did manage il
after all!" will furnish your fellow-
travellers with a lield for interesting
Speculation that shoidd cause their
journey to pass both quickly and
pleasantly.
K MINI! IN TlIAINS.
Of this occupation the author truly
observes that it is a matter of elaborate
and almost Oriental ritual. Refresh
ment-holdera may be divided under two
heads, the lunc!: :,,.t of the male',
and the reticule or hand-bag of the softer
B6X. Of a luncheon basket, as being the
visible token of a robust appetite, as
much display should be made as possible.
and to this end a list of uands and
beverages ,,f suitabK pungent fragrance
is provided.
The hand-bag, on the contrary, is in
ils essence secretive. Tt is most f,-e
quently used to contain sandwiches or
bath-buns, which should be broken
furtively, with the lingers inside the
bag, anil conveyed to the lips in an
detracted and as it were' unconscioii-
manner, the attention meanwhile being
A TOOTHSOME MORSEL.
I >i»l rafted Nurse. " ( JKA. i..i s, ('IIII.MIIKV, wn.ir AKK Yon IKIINU ? "
Children. "Os, WE'VE PUT THE MEAT COVER UN (JRANDI-A'S HEAD TO KEEP THE FLIES OFF HIM ! '
apparently concentrated ' upon the sur-
rounding landscape.
The provision of dining carriages
upon our leading lines lias however to
a certain extent removed the pressing
character of the food problem, but many
other chapters of this little volume, such
is "How to unfold, offer and accept a
Newspaper," or the excel lent advice upon
the Secretion of Foot warmers, will be
Found of permanent value to travellers.
Four encourager les autres.
"Mi!. Justice \V\i.to\ will attend at
he Central Criminal Court during the
week to try prisoners, in addition to
Mr. .litstice ClIVNM'.ll.."
A WELL-BALANCED LOVER.
["Recently there has been a reaction in
favour of the sweet reasonableness of poets
who sang of lovo in a fashion wliich did not
i the i-aviii^s ,,)' (|c,,:n|i'iit youths and
neurotic ni:iioVii>." .s,«.-/r/// I'nper.]
LADY, I woo thee not with sighs
Of rapturous excess,
I drink not madness from those eyea
Whose beauty I confess;
1 ask no passion in return,
Since I have none to give ;
To die for tliee 1 do not yearn -
For I prefer to live ;
No blood for thy sake have I spilt —
I have no bloo I to spare,
Uut, Lady, love me if thou wilt,
Or, it thou wilt, forbear.
396
"PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
1, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
RICHARD BAGOT'S story of Love's Proxy (ARNOLD) is cleverly
conceived and told in the true comedy vein of well-balanced
liumour and pathos. The author never
descends to farce, nor does he attempt
extravagantly - coloured descriptions. The
dialogues are perfectly natural. This is of
the very best in the art of novel-writing. A
more pleasant and evenly interesting book
it has not often fallen to the Baron's lot to
read. Though unsensational, its central
situation is sufficiently dramatic : while
the finish of the human comedy strikes
the true note of pathos. There are in it two mis-
takes not to be ignored by the laudator : the first is
the title, which, like the measles, is catching; but when
vou have read the book it becomes somewhat mystifying.
Secondly, it is regrettable that, like HENRY ARTHUR JONES
when he was weary of his own latest comedy, Joseph En-
tangled, at the Haymarket, RICHARD BAGOT should adopt so
old a device as an accidental eaves-dropping for the sake
of clearing up difficulties.
The last time my Baronite heard of JOHN COLEMAN, mention
was made of him in a letter from a friend, who wrote to say
that the veteran actor had broken down in health, and that
a subscription was on foot to ease his pathway through what
remained of the long journey of life. Soon after came news
of the end, and here, in two portly volumes, published by
HUTCHINSON, is the record of Fifty Years of an Actors Life.
The story goes back literally to the times of Mr. Crummies
and his famous company at Portsmouth. COLEMAN identifies
the original of DICKENS'S fancy, and more than hints that the
unfledged novelist was a failure in the troupe. Running away
to join the stage while still a boy, COLEMAN saw all its seamy
side. It was a different world in those days, the lessee and
manager being more of the Crummies type than that oi
Sir HENRY IRVING. A scratch company played in barns
dignified by high-sounding names. They got meagre pay
when times were moderately good, straightway spent it, anc
starved whilst the ghost walked. What stands forth with
undesigned prominence is the kindness of the strolling
players to each other. None was so poor he could not spare
i coin and a crust for a brother in lower deeps. The eager
boy, anxious to play Hamlet, Romeo, Othello, and other smal
things he believed he could do better than most men to
whom the parts were assigned, came in personal contact with
many old stagers. He played with MACREADY, of whom he
writes much ; approached PHELPS in vain
endeavour to obtain an engagement at Sad
ler's Wells ; trod the stage with CHARLE
MATHEWS and Madame VESTRIS, with BENJAMI
WEBSTER and Madame CELESTE ; knew G. V
BROOKE, HELEN FAUCIT, BARRY SULLIVAN, ED
WIN FORREST, CHARLOTTE CUSHMAN, CHARLE
KEAN, and other stars in a theatrical firmament long sine
darkened. COLEMAN had a long life, on the whole a merrv
one, and generously shares its fun with his reader.
My Nautical Retainer has been greatly refreshed by th
reading of Incomparable Bellairs (CONSTABLE). It resume
the intrigues of that charming breaker of mendable heart
who captivated the readers of The Bath Comedy some fe\
years ago. In their sequel, AGNES and EGERTON CASTLE hav
had the courage to introduce, in the character of Rache
Peace, a serious element into that atmosphere of frivolit
which was the life-breath of Kitty Bellairs. The pathos o
her inevitable passion, if it does not actually verge on mel
drama, is perhaps too strongly, too almost tragically, cor
trasted with the light volatile loves that flutter like moths i
sbestos armour about the scintillating Kitty. In the very
rst chapter — perhaps the cleverest in the whole book — the
icture of the gracious innocence of the Quaker girl serves a
ttle to temper one's taste for the shallow distractions of the
ociety whose fringe it was her evil fate to touch. However,
would take a good deal more than this to put out of coun-
snance the irrepressible BeUairs, even if the unsuspected
•omanliness of her sympathy for Rachel had not redeemed
er from the charge of mere egoism. We leave the pretty
ridow on the eve of an alliance with the best-hearted rogue in
ither book : but she, and her admirers too for that matter,
ave so often escaped the toils that we may yet hope for a
tirther tale of her wooing. There is perhaps no passage in
lis second stage that is quite so diverting as the chapter
n The Bath Comedy where the virtue of the Bishop of BATH
ND WELLS is compromised ; but, grave or gay, every page
glows with those eighteenth-century graces which the authors,
i common with the courtly poet to whom their work is
edicated, have claimed for their peculiar heritage.
Olive Latham, by E. L. VOYNICH (HEINEMANN), is a clever
jook, and in some respects powerfully written. The devo-
lon of a self-sacrificing, deeply attached woman, with a mind
o unbalanced as to have but a hazy perception of the dis-
inction between right and wrong, is scarcely a personality
o enlist the sympathies of an honest English reader on
oehalf of the brutally treated Poles under the Russian mis-
government. Had the story, mutatis mutandis, been transferred
o Ireland of less than a hundred and fifty years ago, when it
tvould have been equally true of that " distressful country "
mderthe cruel penal laws, it would have had a greater chance of
attracting sympathetic attention
han has this narrative of fiendish
jersecution and hopeless suffer-
ng. But perhaps the talented au-
;horess is not so well acquainted
with the history of Ireland as she
s with that of Poland. The
character of Olive's father, who
begins with bright prospects
ind great energy, and then goes
under, is sadly true in ordinary
ife. The heroine is never a
very sweet Olive, and ends by
being a decidedly bitter one.
THE
BARON
DE
B.-W
F. A. F.
THESE mystic letters spell Fresh Air Fund, an institution
established by Mr. C. ARTHUR PEARSON with the object oi
bringing under the very eyes of the Waifs and Strays oi
great towns the sweet, wholesome — to them, marvellous —
actualities of the green countryside. . Ninepence pays for a
long day's happiness for a forlorn little one. £8 2s. (don't
forget the odd 2s.) will carry forth a complete party of two
hundred. There are no expenses of management for the
Fresh Air Fund. Every penny subscribed goes to the
children in food or fares. With that generosity thai
especially marks the theatrical profession, Mr. BEERBOHM TREE
has lent His Majesty's Theatre for a special matinee in
aid of the Fund, at which Miss VIOLA TREE will make her
debut in London. June 7th is the happy day. Take ticket!
or roll along the nimble ninepences to C. ARTHUR PEARSON
Henrietta Street, London. Perhaps if you called with s
cheque for £8 2s. you might See ARTHUR PEARSON himself
He 's a very pleasant Pearson.
NEW TITLE FOR AN OLD PICTURE (" His Master's Voice.")- —
Fox et prcetemer nihil.
JUNE 8, 1!M>I.'
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
A HINT TO THE PARK COMMISSIONERS.
WHV NOT INTRODUCE A " PUSH BALL" IN THE Row? EQUESTRIANS COULD NO LONGER COMPLAIN OF MONOTONY.
CHARIVARIA.
I/rxix>N undertakers, it is announced,
arc establishing a Master riidertaker.V
("iiion " I'lii- tlic promotion of the inte-
rests of the trade." An amalgamation
with the Dairymen's Union is suggested.
" Cricketers who draw crowds " is the
title of an article in a contemporary.
We already have the cricketer as special
correspondent, and the cricketer as
I artist was. of course, bound to
come.
A Paris footballer, on being attacked
by a spectator into whox- face lie had
kieked the liall, drew Ins revolx er, and
fatally wounded his assailant. As a
result it is thought probable that French
football teams will in future lie made to
leave their revolvers and swords in the
dressing-room.
The Manx budget shows a surplus of
£12,000. It is- rumoured that a certain
author intimately connected with the
island is of opinion that with this sum a
worthy monument could lie and ought
to lie creeled to a certain author inti-
mately connected with the island.
It looks as if theatre mnlnn'i'ft were
about to he instituted in Abyssinia.
According to the /»</,•</ ,,( '/'/•</</<•
Journal, at the present moment ever}'
Abyssinian is ambitious to possess him-
self of a felt hat, and the larger the hat
the greater the pleasure.
We have been requested to state that
the copy of Mr. CARNEGIE'S Gospel of
\Yfiiltli in the Kettering Free Library,
recently founded by Mr. CARNEGIE, was
not (as stated in this column) a gift from
the author. It seems that when Mr.
CARNEGIE fits xip a library he draws the
line this side of actual books.
A capital new religion, entitled " The
New Thought," has just been invented.
It allots each man no fewer than two
souls. We wonder it has not been
realised before that one soul alone
cannot stand the wear and tear of
modern life.
Miss GRACIE GRAHAME, having been
threatened with an injunction if she
persists in singing "Oh, Charlie, come
to me," has changed the words to " Oh,
Hilly, come to me." But, we would ask,
is there no power to protect the public
by an injunction preventing anyone
singing either version?
"While we have no doubt of Ger-
many's prowess, we must not forget that
many dogs can kill a stag," says the
lierliiier Tiujrlilatt, speaking of Ger-
many's isolation. This is the first time
we have heard Germany called a stag.
It is true we had noticed the horns, but
we had thought they were those of a
dilemma.
According to despatches from Rio de
Janeiro the differences between Brazil
and Peru have been virtually arranged.
Each country will now settle down again
to its own revolutions.
A Russian has adapted an old form of
war chariot. It consists of a motor-car
with sharp knives outside, which revolve
with the wheels. It has been offered to
the Russian War Office, and that body
has recognised the utility, for purposes
of retirement, of a conveyance that is
guaranteed both to cut and run.
The report that civil war lias broken
out in the CZAR'S dominions is declared,
at St. Petersburg, to be an exaggeration.
Prince DOLGOROUKI has boxed Count
LAMSDORFF'S ears, but the movement lias
not spread.
It is stated that the wife of a Parlia-
mentary candidate has hit upon an
ingenious way of obtaining an audience
for her husband. She docs a "turn" of
singing patriotic songs before the speech-
making, and will not stop until a hearing
is promised to the candidate.
VOL. CXXVl.
398
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 8, 1904.
THE HOME OF LIBERTY.
Tin: King's Commission gravely sat
Probing tin1 crust of lioary creeds;
They heard the notions, this aiuHhat,
Of such as knew their country's needs ;
And they declared, by two to one,
That in defence of Home and Beauty
England expects each mother's son
Some day to do his martial duty.
I moved with meditative feet
Along the Strand's alluvial marge,
And there I saw a poster-sheet
Printed in letters green and large :
Broadly, the facts were thus expressed
(Though, for the words, I slightly twist 'em)
Font 511LUON WORKING-MEN PROTEST
'mi: CONTINENTAL SYSTEM.
]
could believe it. I was swift
To find it racy of the soil ;
I knew the British Workman's gift
For shunning any form of toil ;
I knew lie could not fail to shirk
Fatigue and guard and grim reveille,
For when he sees a job of work
He trembles like an aspic-jelly.
Pampered with breakfast-table faro
At prices fabulously short ;
With gladiators, cheap as air,
Trained to provide vicarious sport ;
Rather than waste, on work or play,
Time, talents, energy, expenses,
He goes the good old Roman way
That points to Panem et Gircenses.
This is his birthright, being free.
Over his beer in liquid staves
He mocks the vile indignity
Of habits incident to slaves ;
But most he views with scornful eyes
Those foreign churls, mere human chattels,
On whom the noxious duty lies
To fight at need the nation's battles.
Some Englishmen may choose to dare
Death of their free unfettered will ;
That is not his but their affair,
So long as others meet the bill ;
Xor if, to save his private ears,
Our local trenches needed filling,
Would he object to Volunteers
Who pay for leave to learn their drilling ;
But never a candidate shall get
The labour vote — let that be known —
Who asks that each in turn should set
His country's claims above his own !
Let German dogs permit the State
To march and starch and sweat and bleed 'em,
But Heaven defend that such a fate
Should fall upon the Sons of Freedom !
Secure behind that wall of fame
Our fighting conscript-fathers won,
0 Liberty, in thy dear name
How many things are •- left undone !
For who would mar his ease of mind
By patriot service, bound to bore him,
When he is always free to find
Some simple soul to do it for him ''. 0. S.
THE TOMMIES' TOURNAMENT.
"Wu.K up, walk up," or motor, or bike, or drive to the
Agricultural [[all, and see the Military Tournament to-day or
tomorrow, June !), when the show conies to an end. Do not
forget to notice the inscription that, glorified by flags high up
aloft at each extremity of the building, announces to the crowd,
not the naval and military glories of the British Empire, not
the loyal watch-cry of " God Save the King ! " but the name,
style and title of "those whose timely provisions can effect so
much both in peace and war, that is, of the Refreshing
Firm that has contracted for this expansive advertise-
ment! Long live the Roast Beef of Old England, coupled
with drinks of all sorts, without which even these stalwart
heroes of the Military Tournament would faint and bite the
sawdust. Caterer, thou reasonest well !
The band of the First Life Guards, under Mr. Fin:n HAINKS,
L.R.A.M., has had its work cut out. Here is blow for blow,
given ii]) in the orchestra, where all are "a blowing," and
never "a growing" weary. Every "display" in the after-
noon show, that lasts for nearly four hours, was (011 the
o-casion of this visit) brought off with marvellous punc-
tuality, each performance being within at least twenty
minutes after the time announced in the programme. It
was wonderfully kept going ! " One down t'other come
on ! " is the rule for this programme, so strictly adhered to,
even in individual cases, that when an unfortunate warrior of
the artillery comes to grief, another plucky one is ready to
spring into his saddle and be his substitute. How delightful,
how inspiring, it must be in war to go to battle with a
splendid orchestra perched up aloft playing appropriately
inspiring airs ! Scarcely a manoeuvre but ends with some
artistically designed and spiritedly executed tableau, which,
on a field of battle, must be one of the most heart-stirring
sights. Imagine how an enemy in ambush would be fasci-
nated by witnessing a musical ride executed by our heavy
cavalry to the tune (among others) of " Mr. Dooley-ooley-oo ! '
The enemy is bound to give in at once : to come out of their
ambush, applaud entlvusiastically, insist on fraternising, and
then to hilariously join the mazy dance. Bravo ! Vive la
danse ! Vive la guerre ! Vivent tes deux eHwmWr I
Best of all, where everything is best, is the gymnastic
display of the lively and "intelligent boys of the Duke of
York's Royal Military School. How many forms there are in
this school it Would be difficult to say, but every form present
is to be noted as first-class. So also for the Royal Marine
Artillery, whose men unlimbered a gun in less than no time,
and. having fired it off point blank at the little red-riding-
hooded girls of the Duke of York's School (without hurting
one of them, thank goodness !) packed up and bolted away
ere you, or anyone else, could even so much as think of calling
out " Police ! " or of invoking the mysterious " JACK ROBINSON."
The Historical Pageant will amuse all, from the entrance of
the English troops mustered at Crecy, marching into the tune
of " // I had a donkey what wouldn't go" up to the exit of
our most modern warriors in khaki, to the inspiring strains of
" Rule, Britannia" "God Save the KIIKJ" and finally the
" March from Tannhduser." The Circusy masquerading part
of the military display, the present deponent is inclined to
regard as mere Tommy-foolery. This view is, perhaps,
hypercritical. Taking such haphazard notes of the music
as was possible in the midst of so much excitement,
your very unmilitary, but ever civil, reporter, was struck
by the frequent recurrence of the late HENRY RUSSELL'S
popular compositions, such as "Cheer, Boys, Cheer," "A Life
on the Ocean Wave" and so forth. These be our national
melodies, popular and inspiriting.
The Indian soldiers (or soldiers who had been commanded
to " dress up" as Indians), tent-pegging, and whooping for
all they were worth (which wasn't much, as there were more
ITNVII, <)i; TIIK LONDON' ( 'IIAIMVALM. Just S, I'.iul.
THE
INFANT m«
POSITIVE W THf
PLAY'S THE THING!
. 1 'i NTH) /0 OniinuA (//«• M,,nW, Fn/anl Mtwicd I'r,,,];,,,,}. "GET TIIEE TO A X/ •/,'>'/•; 7,'V.' GO!"
.TIM: 8, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
401
misses than hits), stirred up the saw-
dust, sending it to chokee down our
throats, just as if it were brown rappee
scattered about by giant snuff-takers.
After this there was dummy-hunting,
representing the clowning part of the
entertainment; and then came the now
highly popular " Push-ball " played by
teams of Horse (inards. The horses
thoroughly enjoyed this, as it, was evi-
dently the first time in their experience
when to have anything to do with a ball
was entirely distinct from a " twitch "
in the nostril followed by unpleasant
medicinal consequences. Men and horses
"kept the ball a-rolling" for a good
twenty minutes ; but which side came
off victorious this deponent did not stop
to ascertain. Trusting that the best men
and horses would win, he departed
hurriedly, and after dodging the wheels
of the Royal Artillery gun-carriages,
escaping unscathed from the 'oofs of
the 'osses, and successfully performing
various other strategic movements, he,
having formulated his plan of campaign,
which included the escalading an omni-
bus amid the storming of various pas-
sengers, found himself outside a public
conveyance, having " come out at the
top," safe and sound, within sight of
the protectorate of the guardian Angel
of Islington.
M.P.'S AS TOURIST TIPSTERS.
Members of Parliament Describe Specially for
"Mr. Punch " the Delights of tlielr Favour-
ite Resorts, as in the " Daily Mail."
PROSPEROUS PRETORIA.
By the Rt. Hon. Alfred Ltjttelton, M.P.
I KNOW of no' more charming spot
under the sun than this gay little South
African city. Full of life and laughter
it is a veritable paradise, and shortly to
be rendered more so by the proximity of
thousands of happy Celestials carolling
over their genial tasks. A home from
home indeed. I recommend all my
Chinese constituents to hasten there.
Svi.nwious SHAUKLIN.
/.';/ .V«j»r Ncc/y, M.I'.
As a convinced opponent of coloured
labour 1 can conscientiously recommend
the Isle of Wight. Shan-klin, in spite
of its distinctly Chine-ese-sounding name,
is a most charming spot, and so un-
sophisticated that one of my supporters, a
local pork-butcher, wrote to ask me what
harm a pig-tail could do once it was cut
off.
BRI--.EZY BATTERSEA.
By Mr. John Bums, M.P.
That Londoners should every year go
to great expense and trouble to get their
families to the seaside, or abroad (which
is worse, since it takes good English
money out of the country) is one of the
most ludicrous of the errors of the dav.
INGRATITUDE.
Nervous Youth (to eliarm
ALWAYS — HA — FEEL BATHEE SHY
Ing girl, who has been trying to set him at his iase). "HE, HE ! I
BY WITH PRETTY GIRLS, Y'KNOW, BUT I 'll QUITS AT HOME WITH YOU ! "
For here, at their very gates, is a pleasure
resort that offers all the attractions of
the seaside or Normandy at no cost at all.
Battersea Park provides green glades,
rocky glens, vast lawns for manly sports,
a sheet of water for navigators, a track
for motors and bicyclists, refreshment
rooms, a matchless view of the river
Thames — everything that the foolish
and extravagant go to the ends of the
earth to see. And all within hail of
London. And it is the healthiest place
in the world ; its death-rate is nil.
ENERVATING EPHESUS.
By the Duke of Devonshire.
To the toilers eager for repose there
is no holiday like travel in the slum-
berous Orient. Of all spots in the
near East I know of none to equal
Ephesus, home of the Seven Sleepers.
There one may rest indeed. The best
inn is, I think, the " Morpheus' Arms,"
where hop pillows are included in the
charge for the night.
BEAUTIFUL BOUNTIFUL BOOTLE.
By J. H. Stock, U.P.
When, wearied by the strenuous life,
You wish a while to footle,
Take my advice, with babes and
wife
Be off to balmy Bootle.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI.
[-TI-NI-: S, ]904.
OUR MR. JABBERJEE IN THE FAR EAST.
VIII.
In Korea once more.
(l'i/ ll.i-lru
Uunner.)
I HAYF. been very kindly given mycong6 by (_'ol. KflAKIMONO
with indefinite leave to absent. myself, and I run only devotedh
hope that the Japanese army may not. coinniit any to*
shatterpated actions, now that they are temporarily deprives
of my counsellinga !
Mnl I am under serious apprehensions lest they may be si
overjoyed with their birel-iu-hand as to underrate some
rather formidable covey of Russian eagles concealed in ai;
ambush. I have private information that Hon'ble KUHOPATKI>
is already hastening up with several hundred ikons. Als<
that Port Arthur is now so completely insulated that it if
more impregnable than ever, having sealed up its harbour sc
hermetically that no Japanese junk can obtain admittance.
A certain Russian prisoner oi' war, Hon'ble Major DltosriiKY-
VITCH, who is accompanying me on his patrole, assures me
that before eighteen months his country is indubitably tc
assume highly offensive attitudes, by invading .Japanese
territories. As their own squadrons are lying snug in Port
Arthur, they will be compelled for such invasion to make use
of the Japanese fleet, which is by no means so well adapted
for the purpose. However, it is only a sail for a very few
hours, and Major 1 ». is confident that, when his countrymen
are once landed, they will completely overturn the tables.
I am free to confess that my gore is chilled by these
methodistical calculations, and if only J had not most
unfortunately mislaid my wireless pole I would at once
telegraph Hon'ble General KUROKI that he will elo well to
look at home before he leaps too far into the Manchurian
darkness.
After taking so leading a part in the Battle of Kiu-lien-
Cheng (described in a previous report, which has, I trust,
come to hand), I am naturally rather tired of war's alarms,
and am now mainly pre-occupied with health of my poor
unfortunate crock, which, alas ! is still very so-so !
Being of abnormally high-strung temperament, his bellicose
adventures have reduced him to a condition of uncontrollable
jumpiness. For example, only a day or two since, when
a Korean juvenile had, in a spirit of barbarous puerility,
discharged a pea at Sho-jis nose from a popshooter, my said
pony was so violently upset that he incontinently rolled
over with all his quatre Jen en I'a'ir, and fainted away for
ten minutes on his end !
Notwithstanding which debility the Korean horse-physician
here says that, although my pony's nervous system is 'rather
seriously dismantled, he expects, with care and quietude,
that he is ultimately to recover his mental balance. Only I
am cautioned not to employ him, at present, as a battle-horse.
So, being thus disbarred from proceeding to the front till
further notice, I am forced to fly at smaller games, and have
already gone in for bear-fighting— which (as I think 1 men-
tioned in previous letter) is a far more exhilarating recreation
than a mere tiger-hunt, as Korean grizzlies are of notoriously
ferocious idiosyncrasies.
1 made the proposition to the aforesaid Major DHOSOHKYVITCH
that we should take a day off in company, and see whether
we could not succeed in captivating at least one bear between
us.
" I will come with the whole of my heart, little Father
JABBERJEEVTTCH ! " he responded, "on condition that you, as
the old Shikari in such sporting expeditions, assume supreme
command."
To which I assented, being reluctant to admit that, while
;n India, I had become totally emt of practice in the art of
•ear-sticking.
But a certain Korean ( ie'omancer, who had been a Some-
what arduous sportsman before aelopting the more sedentary
profession of divination, reported, after constructing my
horoscope and making a few incantations, that the day after
the next would be my lucky day, whereon T should be utterly
impervious to any jeraf. iiatnrce. -— which decided me to
appoint that as the date for our shoot.
The aforesaid (leomancer further lent me his own favourite
fouling-piere, which, so he asserted, possessed the magic
qualification of never missing when it was ce>rrectly aimed.
Thus armed, I repaired myself, with Major D. when the
auspicious day was thoroughly broken, to the locality which
the natives assured us was the customary haunt of one of
their finest bears.
After posting my Russian friend in the direction from
which the animal was inevitably to emerge, I modestly took
up my position at a considerable distance, behind a large
bush.
The merest tyro in ursine peculiarities is aware that every
bear is furnished by Nature with such saccharine teeth that
he cannot resist making a hog of himself with a pot of honey.
Accordingly I had taken the precaution to purchase, at a
Korean general store, a bulky jar of Japanese home-manu-
factured honey, which was labelled in colourable imitation
of Ivondon jam-merchants.
This I deposited in front of the bush as a decoy duck, and
waited for the prey to turn up.
But for several hours no bear put in an appearance, and I
was becoming all agog with impatience, when my shoulder
was unceremoniously clapped from behind and, on turning
my head, I beheld a Bruin of Brobdingnagian dimensions,
who was evidently inquisitive regareling the nature of my
occupation !
Swift as a doe, I discharged my fouling-piece at a blank
point but, either the weapon had been insufficiently en-
chanted, or I was too flabbergasted to aim correctly at such
short notice — for, so far from prostrating the bear, it was
myself whose heels were sent flying over my head !
On returning to percipience, I made the shocking dis-
covery that I was being dragged along into more open
country ! Naturally, my first impulse was to rise to my feet,
and grapple my assailant to my soul with hooks of steel.
But a momentary reflection convinced me that Mister Bruin
ivas probably to prove himself the more proficient wrestler.
whether in Graeco-Roman, Cateh-who-catch-can, or Ju-Jit-.w
styles, and that perhaps my wisest policy was to counterfeit
;he demeanour of a post-mortem.
Of this I succeeded in giving so lifelike an imitation that,
to my unspeakable dismay, the Grizzly at once proceeded to
scratch a large hole for my interment— after which he covered
ne with leaves, as if taking such leaves from the book of the
robins in the well-known English ballad of the Jiahi-x in
Wood, which twittered : " ' Who '11 dig his grave ? ' 'I,' said
uhe Robin, all sighing and sobbing, 'I'll dig his grave ! ' "
Only, unluckily, the Bear was by no means melted to
aclirymation point, and, from the resigned attitude with
ivhich he sat on my head, I easily divined that he had only
afforded myself Christian burial until he should become
oppressed by pangs of appetite !
As luck would have it, he had selected a spot for my
iemporary tomb in close proximity to the above-mentioned
loney-jar, which, with enormous presence of mind, I surrep-
itiously contrived to kick off in his direction. No sooner had
xe snuffed preserves than he embraced the pot amorously
between his front paws, and immediately transferred it's
contents to the recesses of his own interior.
Now, although a frenzied admirer of Japanese enterprise,
am compelled to confess that their native sweetstuffs,
although got up externally with very able imitations of
;enuine British tradesmarks, are, as a rule, composed of
ighly adulterated materialism.
.h
L904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
in:;
EXPLAINED.
Our Village Cricket Club, after the Opening Matcli.
The Young Squire (who, at school, made a century against Harrow). "I SAY, SPINNER, I DON'T YET UNDERSTAND THAT FIRST BALL OF
YOURS THAT TOOK MY I.EQ STUMP. WAS 1 LATE, OB SHOULD I HAVE PLAYED FORWAHD ? "
Spinner (our demon lefthander). "You COULDN'T 'AVE DONE NOTHING WITH IT, SIR."
And I shrewdly suspect that this particular honey must
have been manufactured by a very incompetent (and possibly
altogether bogus) class of bee !
For, within an incalculably brief period after licking the
pot clean, this unfortunate Bruin was seized with severe
slckishness, together with, such intolerable pains in stomach
department that he was soon rolling and roaring like toad
under harrow !
Si i, perceiving that he was far too engrossed with his
internal symptoms to pay further attention to myself, I
crawled out, and, as soon as he became a comatose, dealt him
sin h swashing blows on top of head with the butt-end of my
fouling-piece that lie was compelled to shuffle out of his
mortal coils and pay the debt of Nature !
Thereupon, with the aid of my pocket-knife, I deprived
him of his integument, which, an par my original promise,
I am forwarding as my humble contribution to the furnitures
of Punch's palatial office. [Eo. COM. — A parcel did actually
arrive, ninm-i-il frmti I'lilnitta and <-/»it<iiiiiiui a large roll
of itfiat Inoln-il hl;<- lilnrl; Ifinib'x ir<ml, u'liich it was found
iii'ri'xsary to have, dettroyed at once.]
I must offer best apologies for fact that said bearskin is
slightly moth-eaten. [Kn. COM. >'/;<///////.'.'] You must
remember that 1 have already mentioned 'that this district
teems with excessively large li'i>i,l,,/,lerfiK, and it is impossible
to come across any bear which has not been more or less
damaged by such parasitical depredations, For a Korean
bruin, this is not the half of a bad hide, and its cost price
out here would be, at least, yen 100. But I have the typical
Indian characteristic to hang the expense when making
presents — especially to so openhanded a friend as your
esteemed self ! H. 15. .1.
MR. PUNCH'S AUTOGRAPH SALE.
Selections from the Catalogue, with Prices realised.
nr.
GRANT DUFF (Sir MOUNTSTUART ELPHINSTONE), Statesman,
Bellelettrist and Botanist, to an Elgin Correspondent in
reply to various queries :
.... IN reply to your courteous inquiries I have to say,
(a), that I cannot claim the credit for having invented the
word " anecdotage " ; (6), the number of volumes of selections
from my diary has not yet reached three figures ; (c), my
favourite quotation is pereanl qui nostra ante nos dixerunt;
(d), the best instance of an impromptu riddle that occurs to me
was one that I made in conversation with Lord Ouo RUSSELL
at the Cosmopolitan Club. We were talking about miracles
and I suddenly said to him, " What is the difference between
a miracle and Queen ELIZABETH?" Lord Ono professed his
inability to solve the conundrum, so I obliged him with the
answer : " One is a wonder and the other is a Tudor (two-der)."
Lord ODO afterwards repeated this to Prince BISMMICK, who
404
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 8, 1904.
said, " The man who can make a riddle like that is capable
de tout." .... [THE EDITOR OF GUEAT THOUGHTS, Is. life/.]
Mi RRAY (Dr.), Lexicographer, to Mr. ROBERT MAXWELL, ex-
Amateur CJiampion Golfer, asking for information in
regard to certain technical terms :
.... Being anxious to render my Dictionary complete in
the terminology of pastime, I have been recommended to
apply to you for enlightenment in reference to certain words
with which my unassisted intelligence is unable adequately
to cope. (1) Tank. I see it stated in the report of a recent
match that Mr. EDWARD BLACKWELL " hit a tremendous tonk
off the fifteenth tee." My friend Professor W. W. SKEAT is
of opinion that the word is purely onomatopoeic. For my
own part I am inclined to connect the word by GRLMM'S law
with the mystic vocable xoyf, unless indeed it may be derived
from a surname. There is, I know, a well-known artist of
the name of TONKS. Perhaps there may also be a golfer of
the same name, distinguished for the vigour of his stroke.
(2) Can you kindly supply me with definitions differentiating
the exact meaning of foozle, fluff, and flub? (3) Is the
phrase plusser, i.e. a plus man, generally accepted ? . . . .
[Miss LOTTIE DOD, 30s.]
HOWORTH (Sir HENRY H.), " Times " Correspondent and
Mammoth-hunter, in reply to the Secretary of the Kennel
Club :
SIR, — I regret that I am iinable to give you the information
you are in search of. Your application is evidently based
on a misunderstanding, my magnum opus being the history
not of the Mongrels but the Mongols. If, as I am inclined
to suppose, there is any analogy between the brute creation
and mankind, I should think you would be most likely to obtain
all the necessary details from one or other of those pestiferous
hybrids, the Free Fooders, whose recent incursion into the
arena of politics has poisoned the springs of Parliamentary
life, corrupted the national fibre, and threatens to envelope
the entire Empire in a miasmatic atmosphere of mediaeval
intrigue .... [THE DUKE OF DEVONSHIRE, 3d]
WAGNER (RICHARD), Composer, to J. P. SOUSA, acknowledging
receipt of a MS. composition, and commenting thereon :
Honoured Colleague ! I have examined with heartfelt
interest your remarkable and sonorous (hellklingend) score,
the like of which I have never hitherto encountered. Im-
pressed by its remarkable qualities, I cherish the fervent
wish that before long you may hold a Post at Washington
proportionate (verhattnismassig} to your deserts. With
regard to your flattering intention to incorporate some of the
themes of my Parsifal in a Ragtime March (Lumpenzelts-
marsch), I reluctantly am obliged to decline an honour so
unprecedented and truly American (echt-Amerlkanwch) ....
[W. ASHTON ELLIS, £50.]
BELL (C. F. MOBERLY), Manager of the "Times," and Rhetori-
cian, to a lady residing at Bournemouth, who has written
to the " Times " Office offering twopence a copy for the
" Times " for the -next year :
I assure you, Madam, we have come down as low as we
can. The accompanying leaflets will give you an idea, crude
and imperfect I will admit, of the advantages offered by the
new system. If you wait until July 4, and carefully peruse
the advertisement pages of the papers day by day, you will,
I am persuaded, meet with other arguments, some of which
may induce you to spring the extra farthing. Till then,
adieu. [Mr. A. HARMSWORTH, £3.]
HENSOX (H. HENSLEY), Canon of Westminster, to the Postmaster-
General, complaining that " Cakewalk " was charged for
in a telegram as two words, and demanding the return of
a halfpenny :
.... I am supported in my contention by the whole Dean
and Chapter. The hyphen is a relic of barbarity. In con-
versation there is no pause of even the slightest duration
between the two syllables ; and common usage, if not common
sense, should govern these matters. . . .
[Messrs. WALKER AND WILLIAMS, £1.]
JONES (HENRY ARTHUR), Dramatist, to the Hon. Secretary of the
Ambidextrous League, declining to write his next play
with, /u'.s- left hand:
.... Much as I should like to do anything to further
your meritorious efforts, I am forced to decline your flattering
request. My reputation is such that I would not, for worlds,
that the suspicion got about that my forthcoming comedy is
of Morganatic extraction. [Mr. A. B. WALKLEY, 7s. Gd.~]
VECSEY, Boy Violinist, to Sir HESJIY IRVING, offering to retire
, in his stead. Translation.
It is not so much the actual recitals that are tiring as
receptions afterwards, and visits to the Opera and so forth
. . . . very weary .... Take your place with pleasure ....
[HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN, £50.]
SARGENT (JOHN S.), Royal Academician, to ISIDORE EHHEX-
BREITSTEIN, Esq., in reply to a letter asking whether his
inability to undertake a commission to paint his (Mr.
EHRENBREITSTEIN'S) portrait was due to the shape of his
head or the colour of his poodle :
Both. [Mr. ROCKEFELLER, £1000.]
M. BOUDIN IN ENGLAND.
No. VIII.
" BOUDIN," I said to my friend the other day, " I feel I am
not doing my duty by you. You have been here some time
now and, with the exception of that football match we went
to together, I haven't taken you to see any of our national
sports, such as horse-racing, or cricket, or —
" Or the game of golf," put in BOUDIN. " Oh, my friend,
do not omit him, for it is a great game, the game of golf."
" Well," said I, " it 's not a bad game, though it is, perhaps,
more Scotch than English. Still, we English have made it
our own."
"Ah, you noble English," he cried enthusiastically, "how
I see you from far. It is always like that with you. You
see a poor game which is a Scotch game and you say, ' These
poor Scotch,' you say, ' cannot understand how a game must
be played. Let us,' you say, ' annex this game and make it
an English game, so that it may be great and prosperous
and everything that is truly English,' and then, sapristi, you
take it and you make of it a bit of your rule Britannia. Is
it not so? "
"Perhaps," said I, smiling, "we do rather manage to
improve any game we take up, but then we Ve been at games
for a deuce of a long time, and, of course, we 've got more
experience of how things should be done than "
" Oh, do not incommode yourself for me," he said ; " say
what you were going to say as if BOUDIN was not in the room.
These Frenchmen, you were going to say, do not understand
games and they make me pity. They do not play the
cricket ; they do not play the golf ; how shall they be able
to remporter any success in the public life, in the beautiful
arts or in making war ? They have their absinthe, and they
all drink it, from M. LOUBET, who has been in England and
ought to know better, down to the quite small infants who
have just arrived to balance themselves on their le^s They
are a nation of drinkers of absinthe, who cannot understand
the cricket or the golf, and well, if it were not for the
entente cordmle, which assure to them the friendship of
England, they would burst like dogs, those unfortunate
miserable Frenchmen. My faith, I go to naturalise mvself
• li M: X, .1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
lo.-,
immediately, and \vhm le Lor Main have receive me in the
City, I will learn the cricket ami the golf, without which it
is not, possible to lie an Knglishiiian or a good mail at all."
"My dear HOLDIN," 1 said, "you mustn't excite yourself so
much."
" Ah, you have reason ; I inflame myself too much. • I am
like the old gentleman 1 have seen playing the golf, for I
have seen your golf, yt'S, 1 have seen it, and I am still alive.
I diil not die of excitement. ' BoUDIN," 1 say me, 'you must
survive, my fine fellow. It is true,' I say, 'that to see these
magnificent Englishmen promenading themselves so seriously
and following the little hall it is true that the spectacle is
grandiose, and it, makes me much emotion, but courage, my
friend, and mtrtiint, try to be calm,' anil, as I say this to
myself, sudden I see an old gentleman in knickerbockers
and a red coat and a I'limjni'lti- of cloth, as if he had made it
from what he did not use for his knickerbockers, and a red
face, but of a red more red even than his coat, and the old
gentleman, who have white hairs, he look at the little ball,
and lie take a long stick —
" Club," I said hastily ; " you mustn't call it stick."
"Oh, well, all that is equal to me — he take a long clob
and he commences, but very slowly, to ecartfr «»'» janibes,
and he make the clob to go backward and forward over the
ball eomme un papillon, and at last he say to himself, 'Aha,
rascal of a ball, now I will immolate you,' and, pif-paf, il
lii-r .son coup, but he do it in the air, and the little rascal of
a ball stay there and, as for me, I puff with laughter."
"What did the old gentleman do? " I asked.
" Well, he did not say ' rosbif ' or ' bifteck,' or ' I sell my
wife at Smithfield,' but he say something which is quite as
English, and a little word, and he say it to his clob and to
the ball and to his eyes, and 'after he try again and he hit
the ground and he break his clob, and I murmur to myself,
' TII r<is voulu, Georges Dandln,' and the old gentleman —
perhaps he do not understand French — he hear me say
something and he makes me the eyes of a tiger, and at last
he put his hands in his pockets, and there he is departed
without his dobs or anything. I informed myself who he
was, and they tell me he is a member of Parliament. My
faith, I make you my compliments of him, for he knows how
to speak, that one."
" Anyhow," said I, " it 's a capital thing for men like that
to have a little fresh air and to play a game of some sort."
" < "i, as to that, I do not say no; for you have told me
that it, is games which make Englishmen what they are, and
it is golf certainly which have made this member of Parlia-
ment an old gentleman with a red face to whom the mustard
mounts to his nose when he hit the air with a clob."
"JONES THE MAN."
K a review of a book entitled Theodore Koosevelt, we read
that "one day the President and his biographer travelled
in a crowded ear. A factory girl got in, and Roosevelt the
Man rose and gave her his seat." Roosevelt the President
probably fined the Car Company for over-crowding. The
distinction is a subtle one, and might be carried out'further,
as follows :
" Mr. JOSUH SPIFKINS, the well-known Editor, was out dining
the other night, After ' one crowded hour of glorious life,'
Spifkine the Man, who had partaken somewhat freely of the
numerous courses set before him, was handed a'cup of
coffee by the footman. Spifkins the Editor was compelled to
return it owing to unusual pressure on space."
"We understand that Hall Came the Man, in a recent
speech, expressed his undisguised admiration for Hall Came
the Novelist."
"At the Marylebone Police Court, Ploinl,-,i Hi,' Humorist
NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.
"CAN I SEE THE MASTEH OP THE HOUSE?"
"YES, YOU CAN, AND DO. NOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
has been convicted by Plowden the Magistrate for contempt
of court."
" Last Monday C. B. Fry, the Batsman, was bowled by a
Yorker which broke three feet each way. The case was
reported at length by C. B. Fry the Jotiriinliist ."
THE following advertisement comes from Rye : —
I have a great quantity of good second-hand
Government Vices
of all sizes from 10s., 15»., 20s., 25s. each.
This seems moderate, and it might be worth while for the in-
coming Liberal Government to take them over at these prices.
WE are authorised to state that The Edge of the Storm,
produced at the Duke of York's Theatre on Wednesday last,
has no connection with the storm of the EDGE that has
recently raged at the Automobile Club over the representa-
tion of England in the GORDON-BENNETT race.
IN Messrs. SIMPKTN, MARSHALL'S Golf Score Book occurs the
following instruction, of which that veteran Cantab golfer,
Mr. LIXSKILL, is the admired author :
"As it is most essential, when milking a stroke, to keep the eyes
well fixed on the ball, l>e particular to use clean ones."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 8, 1904.
NOT QUITE UP TO DATE.
Somersetshire Rustle (on seeing the signal drop). "As. DON'T KNOW IF IT'D MAKE ANT DIFFERENCE, MAISTEE, EOT Tine THER' BIT o' BOARD
r\F VrtlTWM '»VF A VATTPM nflWW ' "
OF TOCRN AVE A FALLEN
ACTORS BENEVOLENT.
MR. PUNCH wishes to take his share in attracting public
attention to a matinee fixed for June 23, got up by the
generous theatrical profession to assist the well-known
dramatic critic, Mr. CLEMENT SCOTT, so long and honourably
connected with the Daily Telegraph, in a time of trial, of
much suffering, and of physical incapacity for the special
work in which he has excelled, and to which his journalistic
career has been devoted.
To assist in this good work, comes, ever first and foremost
in the cause of charity, Sir HEXRY IRVING, giving on this
occasion his inimitable impersonation of Corporal Brewster
in CONAN DOYLE'S Story of Waterloo.
Mr. BEERBOHM TREE is to appear as Diogenes, the original
founder of the Tubingen Philosophical School, in which
character he will recite the soliloquy adapted to his sur-
roundings, commencing, " Tubby or not Tubby, that is the
question."
Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER, who, as ALEXANDER, naturally
enough, is in close proximity to Diogenes, will give the
touching speech, " If I were not ALEXANDER at the St. James's,
I would be Diogenes at His Majesty's ! " and, unless these
lines are enthusiastically encored over and over again, he will
then gracefully bow and exit.
Mr. ARTHUR BOURC'HIER is announced for a " new comic
one-act piece, by Mr. WATSON." Whether this is to present
Mr. BOURCHIEK as Sherlock Holmes, with constant question,
"Do you follow me, WATSON?" we are not in a position to
state. This show is entitled The Conversion of Nat Sturge.
Sub-title, The Stinging Nat Stung.
Les deux GrossmitJis, GEORGE and WEEDON, will appear in
" duologue written by themselves ! " Fancy that ! all by
themselves ! ! no one near when they did it ! But crowds, of
course, to see and hear them perform it. It ought to be a
success, by GEORGE ! — and WEEDON.
The actresses kindly gracing the performance will be
JULIA NEILSON, MARIE TEMPEST (quite calm after her sea trip\
EDNA MAY, ADA REEVE, IRENE VANBRUGH, and other " dear
charmers " not as yet mentioned in the bill of Fair Women.
Then Mr. SEYMOUR HICKS is to appear, " supported by a
chorus of Fourteen Ladies." Fortunate Mr. HICKS ! what
matter if he faint, stagger and only shake his head helplessly,
as long as he be supported by this bevy of Fourteen Beauties !
This tableau of Mr. HICKS and the Fair Fourteen might
serve as an illustration of Mr. BERNARD SHAW'S play, Arms
and the Man. Beautiful arms ! Luck}' man !
Many more attractions are to be added to the above, at
least so we gather from the programme ; and to one and all
doing their very best on behalf of our old friend CLEMENT
SCOTT Mr. Punch heartily wishes a colossal success. Here is
the unique occasion when the critic's weakness is the actors'
opportunity !
.MR. PUNCH lias pleasure in directing the attention of sports-
men of his own limited stature to an advertisement in the Field
announcing the sale of an estate, " including fifty acres of sport-
ing woods, together with a small gentleman's residence."
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON' ('IIAIMVAUI. Jems 8, I'.IOl.
THE TIME LIMIT.
GRACE ,„,: AJWHBBHOP ,„,
K — Interior of Compensation House.
Y (Visitor, to Head Gardener, ABTH-R B-I.F-R). "YOU CAN'T KEEP
, , - -.-.
: I'LAXTS JIKIM-: K..H EVER. YOU'LL HAVE TO BED 'EM OUT AFTER A BIT."
JOSE 8, 1904.]
1TXCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAIM.
409
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
KXTIUCTKM TO>M riiF. DniiV OK Turn, .Ml'.
llnimi' nf I'lininiinix, Tuesday, W</// ."> I .
- ,lo||N < )'( k»H8T, !i honoured ednea
tionalist. almost in solitude mi Knmt
Hench below (langway. Ministerial side,
looked ii]i with sudden start. For
ii moment lie sat with lips parted,
eyes staring straight, liel'ore him, hands
Clutching edge Of bench. Had lie seen
that wraith, the ( 'omniiltee of Council
ol' Hoard of Kdueatioii of which we heard
so much when Col sn < !i v and he
l(K)ked after the department '? No living
person ever beheld it in the flesh. Some
there were who regarded it as the Mrs.
HARRIS of administrative bodies. They
"didn't believe, there was no sich
person."
A, one followed the strained glance ex-
planation leaped to light At the corner
of Front Bench below ( Jangway opposite
was WINSTON' Cm licilll.l., in the very seat
where, twenty-four years ago, OttANDOLPH
nursed a dainty fool, crossed over one
ki , and tugged ai a moustache of
which, next to the companionship of
I>iti \I\IONH WOI.I-T and ( IOIIST, lie was
chiefly proud. So like the father too —
less in face than in figure, in gesture and
manner of speech. When the young
Member for Oi.mmt addresses House,
with hands on hips, head bent forward,
right foot stretched forth, memories of
days that are no nmre Hood the brain.
Like lather is son in his habit of in-
dependent view of current topics, the
unexpectedness of his conclusions, the
"So like tlie father too — less in fare than in
figure, in gesture ami niniiiier of spi'ivli."
(Mr. W-nst-n;Ch-rch-lU
A FLEET IN BEING ; OR, THE INVESTMENT OF PORT ARTHCR.
" Admiral " Arn-ld H-lls of the Thames Steamers makes a naval demonstration off the
Terrace of the House of Commons.
ruthlessness of his personalities, his dis-
regard for authority, his contempt of the
conventions, his perfect phrasing of dis-
agreeable remarks. His special enmity to
I )ON JOSH and all his works is hereditary.
lie does not forget, and cannot forgive,
the rebuff that seared his father's proud
heart when Birmingham clamoured for
him to represent them in the House of
( 'ommons, and DON JOSE peremptorily
said "No."
Doubtless, in the task which now
engages leisure hours snatched from
conflict with DON JOSE on his new
fiscal campaign, lie comes upon evidence
in the writing of a vanished hand which
shows how deeply that cut was felt.
The MEMBER FOR SARK, close in
GhuHDOUS's confidence at the time,
knows how the thrust went home.
WINSTON is a convinced Free Trader.
But he enters with lighter, more fully
gladdened, heart on the conflict, since
Protection is championed by his father's
ancient adversary.
House resumed to-day after Whitsun
liolidays. Attendance small ; benches
mostly empty. WINSTON, entering with
II the world before him where to
hoose, strides down to his father's old
(narters on the Front Bench below
Gnmgwsy to left of SPEAKER, and sits |
imong the ghosts of the old Fourth
I'arlv.
"ile's gone over at last, and good
riddance," say honest hacks munching
:heir corn in well-padded stalls of the
• lovernmi'iit stables. They don't like
I'oung horses that kick out afore and
ihmt, and cannot safely be counted
ipon to run in double harness.
' \Y i \SION 's gone over at last," they re-
peat, whinneying with decorous delight.
Not a bit of it. He merely claims
ight as independent Member to sit
where he pleases. On one side to-day,
t'other to-morrow ; some day, if he lives,
on the Treasury Bench.
Meanwhile, he celebrates his first
day's lodging in the Opposition camp
by going into the Division Lobby in
support of ( lovernment. That proves
his inherent consistency, displayed in
diverse circumstances. When he sat
with the Ministerialists he often voted
with the Opposition.
Business done. — Back after holidays;
that is, some of us arrive.
Wednesday afternoon. — France de-
cidedly to the fore just now. At this very
Lour Gouvernant is running at Epsom in
sure and certain hope of winning the
Derby. At Westminster Anglo-French
Convention, bred in the LANSDOWNE
stables, run under combined colours of
Union Jack and Tricolour, takes prelimi-
nary gallop, jockeyed by Earl PERCY.
Except in respect of assembly of
crowds and demonstration of interest
the Bill did better than the horse. The
very emptiness of the Chamber, the
languor of the few speakers, combined
to form highest tribute to success of
LANSDOWNE'S diplomacy. Attempt of
course made to pick holes here and
there ; 'tis the business of the Opposi-
tion to oppose. But nothing could
obscure importance of the accomplished
work, removing ancient quarrels that
might at some critical time have bla/ed
forth at the cannon's mouth.
Later came news of Gouvernant's
discomfiture.
" Curious," said the MEMBER FOR SARK,
"how SHAKSPEARE foresaw everything,
and provided for it in a phrase. You
remember Richard the Third starting
from his dream on the eve of Bosworth
and crying,
'Give me another horse — bind up my wounds ! '
There you have the whole situation
worked' out in the diverse phases of the
\n. do-French Convention at Epsom and
at Westminster. Here is LANSDOWNE
|,i,,, I ing up wounds which, at Newfound-
land and elsewhere, have long bled,
threatening discord between two nations.
At Epsom. OoHVemant coining in last
but one, we have the cry from dis-
a), pointed France, ' Donnez-moi un aiilir
flll'fill ! ' '
lii<Hiiic*» done.— Anglo-French Con-
vention Bill brought in and read a first
time. Gottrcriin.nl. running at Epsom,
was within one of the triumph of coming
in last.
Tlun-Kilii;/. M. JOURDAIN'S astonish-
ment at, discovering he had been talking
prose all his life nothing compared with
Mr. PICKWICK DAVIES'S consternation on
learning he had been eating Canterbury
lamb.
( 'atastrophe made known in Com-
mittee this afternoon. Vote for Local
Government Board under discussion.
.1 I't-opos, Mr. DAVIES, stepping forward
a pace cni the floor, as was his wont, in
earlier days when he scarified Dox JoBE
with questions, observed, "I am opposed,
Mr. LOWTHER, firmly -opposed, to chilled
beef and frozen mutton. Are you aware,
Sir," he continued, sternly eyeing the
faltering Chairman of Ways and Means,
"that these things are placed on our
dining-table in this House?"
The Chairman's official position pre-
cluded manifestation of emotion. Chilled
as beef, frozen in silence like mutton,
he evaded the piercing glance bent
upon him. Not so unofficial Members.
" Shame ! " they cried in tones of honest
indignation.
Thus encouraged, Mr. DAVIES unfolded
his woeful story. "One night, remain-
ing here in obedience to the call of
public duty, I dined chiefly and, I may
add, not expensively, off lamb. I admit
it was very good. But on paying my
bill, Mr. LOWTHER, I learned that it was
not English lamb but New 'Zealand;
in short, it was Canterbury."
Members on both sides joined in low
blood-curdling groan of sympathy.
" Sir," continued Mr. PICKWICK, one
hand in familiar fashion thrust under
his coat tail, the other swinging his eye-
glasses, '• I resolved never to eat it
again."
This, as opening up fresh depth of
horror, drew forth more moans from the
anguished audience. To eat Canterbury
lamb at a 2s. ordinary under the impres-
sion that it was the innocent offspring
of a sojourner on the South Downs was
bad enough. To contemplate the pros-
pect of eating the slice again in whatever
condensed form was an added horror.
Business done. — In Committee of
Supply.
and
MR. PUNCH'S SYMPOSIA.
XVI.— OK STYLE.
SCENE— The Authors' Club.
PBEBEST:
Mr. Fobcrt- Abel (Surrey and Daily
Mail).
r,'i»lioi> \VeMon (Westminster
M.C.I'.).
Mr. <'. /,'. /•>// (Sussex and Daily
Express).
Mi: /.). L. A. Jeplixun (Surrey and
J)atly Chronicle).
Mr ,s'. M'. J. Woods (Somerset and
Daily MaU).
Mr. <!. \V. Hcl'law. (Middlesex and
'!'!„• ,S/,r<efc).
Mr. JohnTunnidiffe (Yorkshire and
Itn'ili/ Mall).
Mr.Harold Beabie (Exeter Hull and
J'rcss generally).
Mr. Robert Abel. It has been thought
tlmt a comparison of notes as to the
models which have most helped us in
shaping our new literary career mighl
not lie without interest and profit. That
is why we are met this evening.
Bishop \\'fll>l<»i. Speaking as the
Honorary Chaplain of the M.C.C. Aus-
tralian team, I may describe it as a very
laudable proceeding. Perhaps the
courtly Chairman will be so gracious as tc
inform us as to who liis own model was
Abel. For some years I must admit ]
was under the spell of CRAIG.
Eishop Welldon. CRAIG? I seem not
to be familiar with the name.
Abel. Yes, CRAIG, the Oval poet.
Bishop Welldon. You mystify me stil
more. I have heard of square meals
and round robins, of circular tours am
oblong garters, but never of an Oval poet
Mi: U. L. A. Jephson. Anici. means tin
cricket ground, that scene of heroic bu
bloodless encounters, of Homeric but —
Bishop Wc.lldon. Ah, yes. Ah, yes —
I understand now.
Abel. But latterly, as a " Guv'nor,"
must confess I have been more attractec
by Pater.
Mi: Harold Benbie. How very interest
ing ! Do you know I guessed that,
should so like to serve you up hot ii
one of my Interviews as an esoteri
Paterian.
Mi: Jephson. That's a good phrase
I must make a note of that for th
<_'lironi(je. My style is a mixture
SAL.V and JEROME — very good models t>«
P'ancy is what I aim at — fancy tempere
by fun and feeling.
Mr. /?. M. J. Woods. I go in for facts
Straightforward sinewy prose is my lin
Bishop Welldon. Ah, you like FIELDINU
Mr. Woods. Like fielding? Me? K(
much ; I hale it. What a rum idea!
n'txltoji Welldon. Oh ! I meant th
author, the man. Surely you know To
Jones ?
Mr. Woods. Not TOM, 1 think ; SIDNEY
>NKS, the Australian, I know, of course.
B /' «// op Welldon. Joseph A ndreics then ?
Mr. Woods. There used to be an
NDRKWS who played for Sussex, a left-
ander. But his initials were W. H.
.\licl. To return for a moment to our
lerary masters, I wonder where Prince
.ANJITSIXHJI gets the exquisite finish of
is st vie.
Mr. ' '. B. Fry. From careful study of
e judicious HOOKEI;.
.1/Y. <!. H'. lieldiiin. I think I should
ame KEATS as my master.
/;;.s/(o/i Welldon. Ah, that is because
e has a poem about you.
Mi: lli'lil/int. About me?
li'ixltop Weldon. Certainly. He says
on are «HHX merci.
Mr/. And a very taking little piece
is too. I recited it once at a
iermondsey smoker.
Mi: Humid lie.jhic. Oh, Mr. AHEL. you
iiust let me write about you as a Study
n Personality. I cannot resist, a mystic.
Bishop Welldon. But is our friend a
nystic ?
Mi: 1 1 in-old l',c(/bie. Whether he is or
lot I'll make him one. 1 commune
vith the stars.
Abel. What price the Evening Jfeif s f
Tiiiinidiffe. What is a mystic? It
sounds rather like a Imse ball.
Mr. Harolil llcijliie. 1 will make you
me too, if you will give me an interview.
There's nothing I can't do in that way.
made HACKKNSCHMIDT one, and Sir
WILLIAM HARCOURT.
Mr. C. B. Fry. You did your best to
make me one in the Westminster. A
scholar too. You said I was never
without a pocket Viiijil, which I read
ven when riding to hounds.
Mr. Woodx. Yes, I read that. And
you said that he has a Meredithian
mood, and is filled with the rich wine
of life.
Tunnidiffc. Is that a good brand?
Mr. Harold Beybie. Well, one
say something.
Tuniiifliffc. I learnt my style by
translating MAITASSANT. There is n<
better preparation. \E*-' "»'
" Quel clieral va qagner le Derby dniis
la bone.'" This riddle appeared on ar
Kii'iiiny Xews poster, and seems to have
intrigued the British newsvendor. But
as the Eretiinf] Xews was at pains to
explain in an early edition of Derby Day
our French visitors knew that it mean
" Which horse is going to win the 1 >erb;
in the mud ? "
Astonishing linguists, these French
men !
ANSWERED. — A contemporary asks-
"What makes novels bad?" This i
verv easv : the novelist.
Jixi: S. I'.IOIJ
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
•111
THE SEAT OF WAR IN THE FAR EAST.
(DratCTl /,-,„;, lm,<:,n,nt',,,n. /.// ,,in- S/*>rmMy 7,,'iv/,/ ..\,-i;»t ;„ //„. r,T// h'nr Out West.)
["It is said that the Japanese Cavalry have ,v r,l!y bee:, provi.locl with pxec-lkm Australian Imrses full of staying power."
!
• -J
412
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 8, 1904.
OPERATIC NOTES.
Mm/ 28. — Never has Madame MELBA been in better voice
nor, if it may be so expressed, in finer form than to-night,
when reappearing in what is now one of her most favourite
strong as Rodolfo, both as regards singing and acting. He
does not forget that he is a Bohemian student, and not merely
a sentimental tenor. He can be as melancholy as they make
'em, but, on the other hand, when in good spirits and with
cash in hand, Hodolfo is the liveliest of the lively, ready for
any foolery. And this is just the very
life, la vraie vie de BoJieme, that Signer
CARUSO puts into the character. A short
life and — a sad one. As Marcello Signer
Scorn played up to CARUSO sympatheti-
cally and was in excellent voice. The
dollini of M. JOUUNET, and the Schaunard
of M. GILIBERT, are familiar impersona-
tions that give full effect to the comic,
as also to the pitifully sad, scenes in the
career of this true "Bohemian Girl,"
and in the life of the reckless light-
hearted set among whom she wastes a
part of her time, and to whom she
returns to die. M. DUFRICHE, in his
"divided duty" of Eenoit the miser
and Alcindoro the millionaire, shows
himself capable de " two." Signer
MANCINELLI was at his best, as was
also the orchestra that obeys his ruling.
It was a magnificent house, full as
full. The "calls" were not those jof
mere politeness : they were frequent
and enthusiastic, and the artistes,
on whom the calls were made,
were always at home. Encores were
" offered " (by the audience), but
there were "no takers." Altogether
parts, that o£ poor dear Mlmi in PUCCINI'S delightful setting an exceptionally fine performance.
A LIQHT DUET.
Mimi Melba having got the right key from Rodolfo Caruso.
to music of the dramatic version of HENRI MURGER'S (no —
"HENRY BURGER," as the book of the libretto has it misprinted)
La, Vie de Boheme. Following the George - Edwardesian
fashion of employing some half-dozen authors, librettists, and
composers in producing a single musical piece, this aclap-
Wednesday, June 1. — The Clerk of the Water Course,
having long ago ascertained the impossibility of a horse-race
taking place without bridles and saddles, thought it advisa-
ble to throw in on this occasion a variety of rains, which he
had reservoir'd since the last flower-show, just to give special
tation of La Vie de Bolieme (compressed) is by GIUSEPPE significance to the fact that the winner of the Derby of 1904
GIACOSA and LUIGI ILLICA (in Italian), while the English trans- i was the favourite with the officials of the principal i-stablish-
lation is by WILLIAM GRIST (a name of good omen in connec- | meut in the Lane dedicated to the raining patron, St. Swit hin,
tion with the operatic " Mill " at Covent Garden), assisted by i who evidently was most anxious to do his best for a rather
PERCY PINKERTON, also a pleasant-sounding name, suggestive, wayward horse named after a brother ascetic, St. Anunit. But
as I think, of a Peerage (didn't Pinkerton'a Peerage give the torrents that seemed to have aided horse and jockey, from
Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER a title ?), and of a lady's school, Miss preliminary canter to victorious finish, had already proved
Pinkertons, wasn't it? Be these literary librettical questions unfavourable to the canta-trice Friiulein TKHXINA, who, sad to
as they may, MELBA as Mimi is better than ever she was, and relate, having been attacked by sore throat, was unable to
in saying so much
it may still be hoped
that, in the not very
distant future, this
sweet-voiced artiste
may be better still ;
no, I should say,
she may be still
^^* '"' better, which is
another pair of
shoes, and is a wish
applicable only to
the artistic finesse
of her impersona-
tion. Miss E.
PARKINA as Musetta
seemed, to-night, a
trifle nervous, but
'tis a very difficult
part to play. Signor
CARUSO in superb
voice came out
" As others see us."
In the Omnibus Box. Hand and glove with the music,
constant and appreciative habitue.
The most
JOSE 8, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
na
ti
\ \Viigiipritn taking his music sa>lly.
take her turn in a part which, drama-
tically even more than musically, should
lit, her down to the ground. Of course,
mi llie Derby Festival night, when every
one talks racing shop, and all, tempo-
rarily, are more or less horsey, it would
have been quite sportsmanlike, and
eminently pardonable, had the prlma
iliniii'i, the "favourite" of the evening,
been herself not quite herself, but a
little hoarse. So, as La Tosea couldn't
be played and sung, I-'IIIIK! was substi-
tuted, with the sweet SKIM HAN ADA.MS as
that demure I laisy. Marguerite, attended
I iy Mile. RMF.iiMF.isTKit the artistically
artful Duenna; with M. KKNMP, not
quite so good as usual, as \'nli'nt'i in1 ;
and with M. DALMORE8, whose rendering
of rcjnvenesceil Faust was, musically,
most enjoyable. 'The special delight
of the entertainment was the re-appear-
ance. >f M. lYvxi.'o.vin such devilish good
form as Mephistophelea that in this
character, a ; in those of /'Ymr /"..nuvmv
and ,1 iiii'ilt-i; he can only lie laiielli>d ;ix
"The Inimitalile." Trained bands and
military forces under llie command of
I'". M. \l \M i MM i victorious and glorious,
ii the ever -popular /•'.i/u.V cannot
contend against rain, races and rumours
ol call strikes, MI an ovrr-tlowiiig house
could not be expected within when there
was soimich overtlowing without. This
is the veracious record of the Derby
Operatic Night tor I'.IOl.
l''riilnii, ,1 n in' .'!. l.n Iliilii'ini' again.
The success of Tuesday repeated. Signor
('MM so iu splendid voice: .MKI.IH also.
House crowded, not, a box nor a seat
empty. The KIM, present with llie
Prince of WAUEB on Ilislioyal Iliglmess's
birthday. (Jood omen EOT the Operatic
Singdicate, who, seeing such a house as
this is to-night, mu.-it welcome the IJoyal
Birthday omen _of "Many Happy 'Be-
turns.'
rx IM'.TIT YOYACE D'AGEfiMENT.
/'// Cufi'' <ln Umilrriii'il. L'lii'in-i- ilf
t'<il»'i-ttif. M. Dfiwus <•/ .M. DrpoxT
Duboia. Quest done Dni\M>?
I'li/uinl. II est a lie a l/>udrcs.
I in/mix. V raiment? II est enrage des
voyages.
Ihifinnl. I'll des courses. II y en a,
voufl save/,, a Derby, des plus eelebrcs.
Tene/, le voila.
M. 1 )i IIAXD entre.
7>i/'«i/.x. Ab, le fameux voyagenr !
]>iij«>ni. L'Ulysse de nos jours.
Dubo'm. Le ( 'in;isToi>m-; COU>MR de
( 'alais-l louvres.
l>til*nit. Mais qti'avez-vous done,
I )('li\SI>? Asse\ey.-V0lis.
l>ii,-und (juifliitit difficile ment\ Ah.
mou cher, que je .s\us enrhume ! (11
i-ii'i-iiHi: cinq foifs de suite.) Diablement
enrhume !
Dupont. Comment ca?
hin-iiii'l (touaxant). Je, je — oh, la, la!
Garcon, un verro d'eau.
J>iibuls. Mon puuvre ami, qu'est-ce
que vous a vex fait 'i
Durand. Un voyage d'agrement, par-
bleu ! Une petite excursion, a j>rix
reduits, qui m'u coute trois milJe francs,
sans parler des paris. Je suis alle a
]/ ind res. Ah, le, sacre cliniat ! Lcs
Anglais sont charmants, de vrais sport-
mans ; inais la pluie, et la boue, et le
brouillard, et le tohu-boliu, et la langue,
et tons les hotels bondes, et les trains
pris d'assaut ! Sapristi ! Figurez-vous,
j 'arrive a Londres lundi soir. Je vais
d'un liotel a 1'autre. Pas line chambre !
Eufin, au nord de la ville, dans un
grand hotel, qui porte le nom d'un saint
anglais, quelque chose en Pan- —
Dnbois. Pancake? C'est un mot
anglais.
JJnnind. Farfaitement, c'est ca. St.
Pancake. Eh bien, je peux me loger
dans cet hotel, et pas mal du tout.
Mardi je me leve de bonne heure pour
aller a Derby. C'est le premier jour des
courses. Je demande des renseigne-
uii nts, et je trouve que j'ai la chance
d'etre dans 1'hotel meme du cherain de
f'T du Middleland. Tant mienx. Jo
ni'iiintalle dans mi excellent train, et
j 'arrive a Derby vers midi. Je monte
dans un iiacre. je d is " Ilaces course "-
car j'ai appris un peu 1'anglais — et
j 'at lends. Mais le coclier ne part pas.
II essaie de me faire comjirendre quelipie
chose. ,!(> lui crie en anglais, "Mais
qu'est-ce que VOU8 mo chantey, la? Jo
veux voir les Dorbv races." Enfin on
par\ient a me lair,' eimipreiidre (pie le,
courses do I >erb\ ne sont pas a I terbj
(III tout.
Ilii/inlil. All, quolle drole d'idi'o !
1 >iirini. I. N'V-,1 ce pas? Kt me voila
de ret our a St. Pancake a cim| henn--
dn soir. llenreiisement ce ii'i'-lait p,i. l.i
gnmdo joiiruiv. Ainsi je me renseigiie
- iisemcnt, je me coiiche de bonne
heiiro, el iiieroredi le garooii de Tcla^e
in'i'\('ille avant le lever dn soled. Jo
hu demande pourquoi jo dois me lever
la unit, car on m'avait dil quo le vrai
champ de courses do Derby u'est qu'a
une lioiiro do Ijondres. " II e,t ni<ul
heu res, mon.^ienr.'' me dit-il.- " I hi
soir? "je lui demande, " ma is on sommes-
nous? Ai-jedormi vingt-deux hen res? "
Et lui do rejKindre qu'il est ncnf heurcs
du matin, mam qu'il y a un peu de
brouillard.
l>/i/Kiut. Xeilf he n res du matin, le
premier juin? Etcependant comme la
unit '!
I >nr,i i/'l. Absolument ! Ah, quelle
journee. Je vonsdirai ca en deux mots,
j'ai tellement mal a la gorge. Un
brouillard, une averse tout le temps, une
bousculade effroyable, de la boue partout,
un orage, (IniiriTiiniit jias memo place,
et moi qui rentre le soir, sans montre ni
porte-monnaie — on me les avait chipes
quelque part- et dans un etat ineroyalile,
trempe jusqu'aux os. Sajiristi, j'en ai
soupe!
Dubois. Mon pativre ami ! Mais vous
avey, visile Londres, et vous avcy, vu —
Durand. Kien ! J'ai lile jeudi. A
present jc vais me coucher. Au revoir !
[jft sort.
THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT.
<>!,! <!ent(*ol.\ "!F IT WEREN'T THAT Ki ic>-
PATKIX, TIIF, (tKNKUAI. UK TIIK TAI.I. Sell. Ill KIIS,
HiS TIIK l.ciXli NAMK, AND KlIlnKI, TIIK (IlAKKM,
OK TIIK SllullT SllUPIKlIS, HAS TIIK SHOUT NAMK, I
Sll'in n NKVKU BE ABLE TO 1IEMKMBEI! WHICH HAS
WHICH! "
414
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 8, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
UECENTLY published by METIIIT.N, as one of that firm's series
of "The Antiquary's Library," the latest Avork by Abbot
(1 \SOII;T (with ]).!>'., <£<•., &c., and several other alphabetical
distinctions attached to his name as becomes
a man of letters), entitled English Monadic
/./'/V, with its numerous and well-reproduced
plans and illustrations, will be found by all
students of our island's history a wTork curi-
ously interesting and highly instructive. If
ex lino ilixcc OIIDICH may be accepted as applic-
able lo the samples selected by Dr. GASQUET,
in which he sets before the reader, ^is he says, "in as plain and
popular a manner as I could, the general tenor of the life
lived by the inmates in any one of these monastic establish-
ments," then the Baron must conclude that, but for the
licensed freebooting of Bluffing King HAL and his talented
assistants, we at this time should have been all the better off
by the absence of poor rates and of other levies made on our
purses for the payment of Bumbledom and modern parochial
machinery. These heavy charges were defrayed, in ancient
days, by the monastic bodies who were stewards of the rich
and almoners for the poor. Among various survivals of old
monastic customs there is one at Eton College, where before
eleven o'clock school the masters assemble " in chambers "
to consult as to any special matter of immediate importance.
This is evidently a remainder over from the days when
" the chief officials responsible for the order of the house
repaired for a few minutes to the private parlour to consult
as to any matter which might need correction, or to which
public attention might be called." The Baron would suggest
that, instead of the translation as given of
"Si sapiens fore vis, sex servaqixe tibi mando —
Quid dicas, et ubi, de quo, cui, quomodo, quando,"
should be substituted :
" Would you be wise ? of six things have a care —
Your words, of whom, to whom, how, when, and where,"
which couplet is humbly presented to the Abbatial author
with best wishes for present and future work.
What Major ARTHUR GRIFFITHS doesn't know about secret
Anarchistical Societies cannot be of any value. How the
gallant Major dares to show himself undisguised in public,
nay, how he can live in the same abode for more than
twenty-four hours at a time, is to the Baron, who trembles
for this gifted writer's safety, even a greater mystery than
all the mysteries of which the Major is past-master. From
these prefatorial remarks it may be gathered that this
author's latest novel, entitled A Woman of Business
(JoHN LONG), herewith recommended by the Baron to that
majority of the reading public which votes solid for the
Major, describes the doings of certain satanic desperadoes
whose objects are the upheaval of law and order, and
the destruction of all property on which they themselves
cannot seize. " Ni Dieu ni rnaitre ! " and " Que le (liable
cmporte le dernier!" The characters in this story are
clearly drawn ; they are true to mere human nature at its
pluckiest, though not at its moral best, as also at its most
cowardly and fiendish worst.
Phoebe in Fellers (JoHN MURRAY) is de-
cidedly one of the best novels of the year.
It is based on excellent piirpose carried out
step by step with remarkable skill. Donald
Gilmour, a solicitor approaching middle
age, has "a past." It, however, covers
nothing worse than a disappointment in
love. He offered his heart to a woman, and, as no well-filled
purse went with it, it was declined. A hard-headed, level-
minded, reserved, somewhat obstinate man, he concluded
that he had done with love and matrimony. Some years
after he meets a girl in black, "with luminous eyes that
sparkle with light in the pale vivid face." This is Phncbe
Carburton, with whose father Gilmour had been at Oxford.
He had not prospered after the fashion of his younger mate,
and his daughter earned her living as a type- writer. In due
time Gilmour proposes to make the girl his wife. She
accepts him on the understanding that, as she put it in
imparting news of the engagement to her mother, " he
doesn't want to go in for hugging and kissing and so on."
Even before the marriage-day Gilmour discovers he has mis-
calculated his own situation. He is desperately in love with his
bride, and when at the start of their honeymoon he attempts
to kiss her she turns and rends him. "If I had known it,
1 woidd rather have died than marry you," she gasped. " I
trusted what you said. I believed you meant just to take
care of me. I can never love you ; but I shall hate you if
you A pretty disli this to set before a bridegroom.
My Baronite will not spoil sport by even hinting how it
turns out. Suffice it to say the story is told with a skill, a
variety of incident, and a power of delineating character, that
hold the reader breathless to the end. My Baronite has not
before come across the work of Mrs. BAH.LIE REYNOLDS. Like
a character in fiction who shall be nameless, he "asks for
The King of Diamonds, by Louis TRACY ('F. V. WHITE
& Co.), is well worth reading. The idea is daringly original
in conception, and the plot is worked out with such reckless
magnificence as can only find its parallel in Monte Cristo. But
whereas the hero of DUMAS' great romance lived for revenge,
and triumphantly ticked off his enemies as they perished
one by one, Mr. TRACY'S hero shows such an example of
magnanimity, and exhibits a spirit of charity so excep-
tionally Christian, that, for the sake of sensational romance,
it is to be devoutly hoped, no other hero will think him-
self called upon to imitate him. If villains of the deepest dye
in an Adelphi drama, who have committed every crime
possible from petty theft up to murder, are henceforth to be
allowed to get off scot free on giving their solemn promise
" not to do it again," then what
price justice, and what 's to be-
come of " Haukshaw the detec-
tive " and of that highly accom-
plished amateur in the Intelligence
Department, Sherlock Holmes ?
This new idea of " pardon all
round " is admirably managed in
The King of Diamonds, where
the hero forgives every knave
in the pack, much to the ad-
miration, but, it must be added,
to the honest indignation of the
judicially discriminating Baron.
THE
BARON
DE
.-W.
RULE, BRITANNIA!
Sin,— Someone writing in favour of the suddenly re-proposed
Channel Tunnel scheme says, " As regards the physical diffi-
culties to be encountered, they are certainly inferior to those
now being presented to the engineers of the Smplon Tunnel."
Bother the Simplon Tunnel ! The point that strikes me, and
many other fellow sea-sufferers, is- what are these "physical
difficulties" compared with those that I (and others mad'elike
me) have to suffer in crossing the Channel! If everyone
could feel as I do — 0 si sic omnes — then engineers, French
and English, would hurry up with the Chunnel Tannel !
That's my opinion! Tell that to the Submarines with the
compliments of Yours trulv, C. GREEN.
JI-SK Lr>, 1904.]
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.
Local Chan-man (introducing Lecturer). " I AM SURE WE ARE ALL MOST GRATEFUL TO DR. BLUMENKOPF FOE KINDLT COMING HERE TO GIVE
THESE LECTURES; AND WE SHALL BE STILL MORE GRATEFUL WHEN HIS CODKSE is CONCLUDED."
APOLOGETICS.
[With acknowledgments to an ingenious leading article in the
Manchester Guardian, further developing the argument of " X.," who
writes in the New York Nation, to show that SUAKSPEARE was quite
right when he gave Bohemia a sea-coast.]
OFT in my little knowledge I have smiled
At mighty SHAKSPEARE, when. I thought that he
Planted the deserts of " Bohemia wild "
Upon the shores of some mysterious sea,
An ocean whose existence had before
Escaped the ken of geographic lore.
But hark ! the unknown "X.," with loyal heart,
Defends the master from the mocking hosts :
Bohemia was in ancient times a part
0' the Holy Unman. Empire, which had coasts,
And SHAKSPEARE, with the true poetic soul,
Spoke of the part while thinking of the whole.
So, too, when Proteus hastened, taking ship
From dry Verona, where waves never break,
To plain-begirt Milan, this was no slip —
Not, as one might have fancied, a mistake — •
Are we to think our SHAKSPEARE more a fool
Than any urchin in the under-school ? —
Verona meant the eastern coast, Milan
The western, in a vague and general way ;
And one might well expect a hurried man,
Instead of riding hard a long, long day,
To coast round Italy — a charming cruise
Affording some inimitable views.
The poet tells us Delphi was the shrine
Of mediaeval Europe — yea, the core,
And doubtless Delphi was to him a sign
To symbolise all Europe — -nothing more —
Which (Asia being joined) one might regard
As some great island, if one were a bard. |
So when he talks of Delphi as an isle,
Though none but he observed a wavelet there,
Good friend, forbear the all too hasty smile,
And lay aside your rash, superior air :
More things in WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE there may be
Than are dreamt of in your geography.
"I HAVE to make [the interesting announcement that
Mr. LLOYD-GEOHOE and Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL will appear on
a common platform at a great demonstration at Carnarvon.
The date of the demonstration has not been fixed, but it will
be between the end of September and the beginning of
October." — Daily News.
It sounds a little like the Greek Kalends.
HERE RICHARD SKOWRONNEK, a German dramatic author, has
given up writing and taken over the management of a boot-
polish factory. With us, to judge by what one sometimes
sees at the theatres, the contrary change is not uncommon.
Lady (of a certain age, to small girl). Can you guess how old
lam?
Small Qirl. No, but I can count up to 99.
VOL. CKV1.
B B
41G
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Mi BE I."). 1904.
lisesl
THE UNHOLY ALLIANCE.
A WAITING TO BISHOPS.
[" And tlic brewer.-, said to the clergy, ' If you go on like that
ish your churches' (Laughter)."
iUc. UoydrOeorgt on the Licensing
Oiti'in-Ts that with his lyre (or lute ?)
Contrived to tickle bird and brute,
Making ecstatic, tremors shoot
Through weasel, pard, and sparrow;
Who by his plectron's nimble strokes
Cot at 'the heart of elms and oaks,
And even found a way to coax
The pith of Pluto's marrow ; —
MR. PUNCH'S AUTOGRAPH SALE.
Selections from the. Catalogue, with Prices realised.
Orpheus (although you might suppose
A man like that would make no foes)
Came to a most untimely close
In one of Thracia's gorges ;
UP chanced upon a Maenads' rout
Which wiped the young musician out
1 luring a rather noisy bout
Of Bacchanalian orgies.
Pentheus, again, the Tlieban King,
Who used to quaff the crystal spring,
And spurn the Dionysus-fling
From a contemptuous distance —
Oil him a vengeful madness lit ;
His mother found him in a fit,
[Mistook him for a beast, and slit
The tliread of his existence.
My Lords, the prop of Church and State,
Ye who incur the brewers' hate,
I >c warned by me and ware the fate
That tore these two in sections ;
Behold the self-same god arise,
With awful anger in his eyes,
To menace your established ties
Against the next elections !
( Miserve his nose's purple bloom
Pranking the Nonconformist gloom,
See him consort with men from whom
His views till now have differed ;
Note how he takes your church to task.
Supported by his brandy-flask,
And straddling on a mutual cask
With Messrs. PERKS and CLIFFORD !
Strange fellowship ! If I were fain,
Like these, to be the Bishops' bane,
1 'd yoke with one of larger brain
And slightly slimmer body;
And anyhow I 'd not pretend
That I could hope to end or mend
The Church of England on a blend
Of temperance and toddy !
Yet must you grip the pastoral staff,
And striding forth with gaitered calf
Go meet, my Lords, this half-and-half,
This mongrel misalliance ;
Nor will I leave your loss unsung
I f you should be enrolled among
Those who abused the great god Bung,
And paid for their defiance.
Temperance Orator (describing " awful example ").
no wife and family — a good thing for them too ! "
IV.
/•;;; ] Cox (HAROLD), late Secretary of the Cobden Club, to the Right
Hon. HENRY CHAPLIN, with reference to COBDEN s early
habit of taking snuff :
I SEE it stated in a local paper that COIIDKK, at the
beginning of his public career, was addicted to snuff-taking,
but that on being assured by JOSEPH BARKER, the well-known
temperance lecturer, that the practice would certainly injure
his voice, he then and there resolved to take snuff no more.
In these circumstances I wish to ask whether you are justified
stating that Free Trade his been snuffed out by Mr.
"iy y [Sir ROBERT GIFFEN, £2 10s.]
WATSON- (WILLIAM), Poet and Sultanlclde, to Mr. TRAVIS, the
American and English amateur golf champion, seeking
enlightenment as to the pronunciation of a golfing term :
DEAR SIR, — By way of promoting cordial relations between
England aiid America I contemplate writing a sonnet to the
Schenectady putter, the redoubtable implement which played
so prominent a part in your recent victory at Sandwich. My
only difficulty is that I am uncertain as to the correct
pronunciation of Schenectady. I can grapple with the
situation if the accent falls on the second or third syllable,
but if it is on the first I shall probably have to fall back on
some suitable periphrasis such as "mallet-headed weapon."
An authoritative expression of opinion from you will place
me under a lasting obligation. [ANDREW KIRKAI.DY, 7s. Cd.]
LAN-KESTEII (EDWIN RAY), Director of the Natural History
Museum, to the Dramatic Critic of the " Dally Tele-
graph," on the subject of mermaids :
In a recent notice of the performance of a Parisian artist at
the Alhambra, I observe that you state that "by her graceful
and sinuous style" of dancing she suggested "the legendary
denizens of the ocean." As the author of a monograph on
the " Cephalaspidian Fishes," I should be much indebted to
you for a more precise definition of the denizens in question.
[Mr. CHARLES MORTON, 3s. 6d.]
MILES (EUSTACE), Athlete and Dietetic Reformer, to Mr. H. W.
MASSINGHAM, in regard to over-feeding at the Universities:
I had already noticed the painful announcement to which
you allude, viz., that " J. SHERLOCK, of Oxford, had broken
the sandwich record with a score of 71." Of course a good
deal would depend on the size of the sandwiches and their
composition, but, generally speaking, a sandwich implies
meat, so that this exploit, of which so much has been made
by the Press and' public, is doubly disgusting — first as a
mere piece of gluttony, and second as an act of carnivorous
excess. I entirely approve of your intention to bring the
matter before the Vice-Chancellor of Oxford University. As
a boy at school I remember once eating 13 hot cross buns,
but 71 sandwiches is quite another story.
[Mr. CADBURY, £3 3s.]
BALFOI-R (The Right Hon. A. J.), Premier and Philosopher, to
Mr. CHARLES FROHMAN, in regard to a proposition from
the latter:
I regret that I am unable to entertain your flattering pro-
posal, inspired by a recent performance at Camden Town,
that I should contribute the lyrics of a new musical comedy
to be called The Golf Girl, an American Travis-tee. The
0. S. claims of the Licensing Bill and other Parliamentary business
so fully occupy my time that 1 have been obliged to abandon
all literary work. Indeed, I have not yet made so much as
' He had even the rough draft of my Presidential Address to the
British Association. Your alternative proposal, that I should
PUNCH, OF{ TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.— JtOT 15, 1901.
THE POLITICAL RIP YAN WINKLE.
SCENE- An-kiranl Puss on tie tray to Sleeky Ilollmc.
DRAMATIS PF.RSON.E:
Hip . . . Ih. Hox. ARTH-n J. B-LF-R. Tlie Van el Imp . . . MR. Btsc.
["The stranger .... bore on his shoulders a stout keg, that seemed full of liquor, and made signs for Rip to approach and assist
im with thy Inn<l. Though rather shy of this new acquaintance, Rip complied with his usual alacrity." (.See Washington Irriny's "Sketch
took.") And this was tlie beginning of Hip's long sleep.]
.II.-M.; 15, 1'MM.J
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
419
A GREAT
RENUNCIATION.
At Ascot.
Fair American. "SAir, DUKE! WEU., I AM DISAPPOINTED! THEY'RE TAKING off ALL THE PHETTT CORONETS AND FBILLS AND THINGS,
JPST WHEN HE'S OOINO ON THE TBACK ! "
entrust the task to my wife, is attractive, but unhappily
impracticable. As DESCARTES says, ex nihilo nihil fit.
[Lord HINDLIP, £10 108.]
.licssop (Gn.nEKT), Croueher, to TYLDESI.F.Y, the Lancashire hard
hitter, asking his co-operation in getting a Haskell cricket
ball accepted by the M.C.C. :
.... You or I, I am confident, could hit one a mile. The
old monotony of sixes would thus disappear, and we should
make twenties or thirties, or even fifties at a single stroke.
A great deal is written about the reform of cricket. In my
opinion a rubber-cored ball would do everything that is
required. The only drawback that I can see is the possibility
that inid-on would have to wear armour plates. . . .
[Mr. HORACE HUTCHINSON, 10*. 6cZ.]
CHURCHILL (WINSTON), M.P., to Signer MARCONI :
What I should like would be an inexpensive installation
of your wireless telegraphic system, enabling me, by means
of a pocket receiver, to listen to the afternoon debates in the
House as I walked over the links, or, in the evening, as I put
the finishing touches to my new romance. I find myself
less and less disposed to visit the- House, where, apart from
the difficulty of settling upon a seat, so much happens^that
has happened before and will happen again.
[Lord HUGH CECIL, 5s.]
CLIFFORD (Dr.), Nonconformist Divine, to Mr. LEOPOLD DE
ROTHSCHILD, making an offer for " St. Amant " :
I must apologise for this intrusion, but my doctor lias
recommended me equestrian exercise, and I have been
informed, on what I considered was good authority, that you
had in your stables a young horse named St. Amant, quiet
to ride or drive, which you might be willing to sell. I want
to give not more than sixty guineas, but of course a lower
sum would not displease me. I could at any rate promise
St. Amant a good home and an indulgent master.
[THE JOCKEY CLUB, £1.]
FROM the Schoolmistress : —
"The authorities of the Training College, Oxford, have adopted the
objectionable practice of notifying candidates that they cannot be
received into the College by the medium of the halfpenny post."
Over weight, we presume.
APPOSITE REPARTEE iv ANSWER TO AN APPEAL FOR CHARITY.
-" Dun as you would be dunned by."
420
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 15, 1904.
LATEST KIDNAPPING INTELLIGENCE.
ADVICES from Carnarvon confirm the
rumour that Mr. LUTTO- GEORGE, who
suddenly disappeared from Westminster
a few days ago, has, by order of Lord
BURTON, been drugged, carried off to
North Berwick, and marooned on the
Bass Rock. Considerable anxiety pre-
vails amongst his constituents, as the
unfortunate Member is said to have
nothing to drink but Seagulls' syrup.
Negotiations are, however, pending
between his captor and Sir HENRY
CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, the former under-
taking to remove Mr. LLOYD-GEORGE to
the mainland if he pledges himself not
to open his lips in the House of Commons
before the next General Election, except
for the consumption of malt liquor.
After several attempts Sir EDWARD
FOYNTER has succeeded in kidnapping
the Earl of LYTTOX. The unfortunate
nobleman is, it is understood, at this
moment lying handcuffed in the Diploma
Gallery, but the House of Lords have
practically decided to accept the terms
offered by the President of the Royal
Academy. These stipulate that the
Administration of the Chantrey Bequest
is to be unanimously approved by the
Upper House, that Mr. I). S. MAcCoLL's
head is to be presented to the Tate
Gallery, and that a peerage is to be
bestowed on Mr. M. H. SPIELMANN.
Great distress has been caused in the
Bordesley Division of Birmingham by
the news that the Right Hon. JESSE
COLLINGS has been carried off to sea in
his yacht by Mr. T. GIBSON BOWLES. A
communication which has reached the
Admiralty states that the prisoner, who
is chained to the binnacle, will not be
released unless the following terms are
carried out : (1) Mr. GIBSON BOWLES, M.P.,
to be made First Lord of the Admiralty ;
(2) Mr. JESSE COLLINGS to renounce his
allegiance to Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, and
assume the name of COBDEN ; (3) a ransom
of 30,000 acres of land and 10,000 cows
to be paid to Mr. BOWLES ; (4) the name
of Mr. COLLINGS to be struck off the list
of Privy Councillors, and that of Mr.
BOWIES substituted.
Consternation reigns in the New
English Art Club. While recently
visiting the west coast of Ireland, Mr.
GEORGE MOORE was set upon by some
infuriated conger-eel fishers, to whom
he was reciting his "Avowals," and
carried off in a coracle to the Arran
Islands, where he is immured in a bee-
hive cell, and fed exclusively on salt
fish, seed potatoes, and samphire pickles.
His captors have forwarded to Mr.
WYNDHAM, the Chief Secretary, an extra-
ordinary document formulating the con-
ditions on which they are prepared to
surrender their prize. These are :
(1) that Mr. GEORGE MOORE is to give
up wearing a Celtic fringe; (2) that no
more portraits of Mr. GEORGE MOORE are
to be painted by members of the New
English Art Club; (3) that he is to
devote his literary abilities to the sphere
of musical comedy ; (4) that, as a com-
promise between the contending claims
of Ireland and England, he is to reside
henceforth in the Isle of Man.
Our West Kensington correspondent
telegraphs that there is only too good
reason to siippose that Mr. MoBEKLT
BELL, the Manager of Tlie Times, who
disappeared mysteriously a short time
ago, and in spite of the most ingeni-
ously-worded advertisements has not
yet been traced, lias been captured by
BUFFALO BILL, and is now in durance
vile in the Indian village at Olympia.
Search-parties armed with every kind of
warrant hare ransacked the great build-
ing, but the Indian village is impregna-
bly defended by SITTING BULL and a
bevy of devoted Braves. It is under-
stood that the only terms on which
Mr. MOBERLY BELI. can be released are
his permission for BUFFALO BILL to change
his name to BUFFALO BELI,, and the
supply of the Times to the great
impresario for the rest of his life at
three halfpence a copy. Negotiations
have been set on foot, but the feeling at
Printing-House Sqiiare is so strong
against circulating the paper at less
than twopence that much time may
elapse before his release is obtained.
The point as to BUFFALO BILL'S change
of name was at once conceded.
Consternation, we understand, reigns
in Carlton House Terrace owing to the
sudden and forcible abduction of Sir
GILBERT PARKER early this morning by a
band of St. James's Park brigands,
under the command of MARCELINE, of
the Hippodrome. What Sir GILBERT
has done to excite the resentment of the
French mime no one at present can say,
although rumour is as usual busy.
Suffice it to say that the great states-
man retired to rest in the ordinary way
last night, and this morning he had
disappeared. He is reported to be
hidden in the Geological Museum in
Jermyn Street, one of London's in-
accessible fastnesses. Ambassadors have
visited MARCELINE in the hope of coming
to some arrangement, but as he conducts
his conversation entirely by whistles and
somersaults the affair is not proceeding
with the celerity that Sir GILBERT'S
friends could desire. It has, however,
been elicited that MARCELINE'S terms
are a cash payment of two million
pounds, a free pardon to all con-
cerned, and a seat in Sir GILBERT'S next
Cabinet.
The absence of Mr. Justice DARLING and
Mr. PLOWDEN from their duties is not due
to indisposition, as was at first supposed,
but to a more serious cause. It now
transpires that they were both chloro-
formed on the Embankment and carried
off to Yorkshire, where they have been
immured in a cave on Smilesworth Moor.
A communication lias, however, reached
the LORD CHANCELLOR intimating the
readiness of the writers to surrender
their prisoners on the understanding
that their places, as judge and magistrate
respectively, shall be filled up by the
appointment of Mr. HERBERT CAMPBELL
and Mr. GEORGE ROBEY. Friends of the
distinguished captives will be glad to
learn that they are both in excellent
health, and that in the punning competi-
tion with which they beguile the tedium
of their incarceration Mr. PLOWDEN'S
score stands at 371 to his opponent's
290.
A WAY WE HAVE AT THE
'VARSITY.
[In the most recent Sherlock Holmes adventure
the guilt of reading an Examination Paper before
it was issued is brought home to an under-
graduate by the fact that, returning from the
University Athletic Ground, where lie had been
practising the jump, he left "his tan gloves"
on a chair in his tutor's room. The two
following extracts are taken from stories shortly
to be published by Sir ARTU-R C-S-N D-YI.E :]
I.
IT was half-past six o'clock on the
evening of June 1, and HENRY BLESSING-
TON was walking across Midsummer Com-
mon on his way back from the river
Cam, where he liad been engaged with
some of his friends and colleagues in
practising for the summer boat-races in
the celebrated College six-oared boat.
His face was flushed and an air of
determination sat not ungracefully on his
manly brow, for had he not been the
means that very afternoon of putting a
stop to the notorious crab-catching pro-
pensities of the Duke of DELAJIERE, the
brawny ruffian who, in spite of his
drunken habits, wielded the bow-oar on
behalf of his Alma Mater. This feat had
rendered it certain that the St. Barnabas
six-oar would go head of the river to-
morrow. As he thought of the coming
triumph HENRY BLESSINGTON'S blood
coursed feverishly through his veins, and
he proceeded mechanically to feel in the
pockets of his fashionable frock-coat for
his pipe and tobacco-pouch. Heavens !
they were not there ! As he realised
his loss, a reading man, coming in the
opposite direction, collided with him and
trod heavily on both his patent leather
lace-up boots. Smothering an oath,
BLESSINGTON raised his gold-headed cane
and struck the clumsy intruder a heavy
blow. . . .
II.
The High Street of Oxford was a scene
of tumultuous excitement. From every
side undergraduates, accompanied by
JUSE
HUM.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
•IL'I
their parents and other more remote
relatives, were pouring in crowds to the
Schools to hear the Chancellor announce
the winner of the Classical <i reals.
Kvery class was represented. Here a
scholar of .Marcon's Hall, lastefiilly
arrayed in the conspicuous lila/.er of his
College Croquet ( 'lull, with his mortar-
I loan I rakishly set ou the side of his
head, mi^ht lie seen ami in arm with
two sprigs of Britain's nobility, clothed
in the pink coat consecrated by an
immemorial tradition to the followers of
theTurl Hounds. Following these were
to be observed two of the fastest and
most brilliant members of Christ Church
College walking cheek by jowl with
their inseparable associates, the Captain
and Vice-Captain of the St. Kdnmnd's
Hull Boat Club. The top huts which
graced the heads of the two latter
undergraduates had been freshly ironed
and their lavender kid gloves (the badge
of their aquatic prowess) shone across
the High Street with a lustre that con-
trasted strangely with the frayed trousers
and short Norfolk jacket of the Senior
Proctor, whose duty it was to fine every
tenth member of the assemblage.
TEE-TATTLE.
A CHEAT many of our most sporting
golfers are now adopting the American
accent, which they iind most helpful in
keeping the eye on the ball. The Trans-
Atlantic Grip is also coming into vogue :
it is an illusive rubber-cored grip, with
spry American-cloth ends.
The new Garden City links at the back
of CLAHKSON'S (where they let out wigs
for the greens) have been entirely fitted
with a smart line in flags : all those going
out have stripes, while home-coming
golfers see stars. There is an American
bar at the turn.
Some new strokes are coming to the
front, and it has recently been proved
that a sure green-fetcher, against the
wind, is the Sandy "hook," which bids
fair to eclipse the old British " pull."
The Broadway putt entirely counteracts
the narrowness of the hole.
Mr. HORACE Hi i< IIINMIN, the eminent
light-green golfer, has at last been able
to trace back the pedigree of Colonel
BOGKY, link by link, to an ancestor who
came over with CHIUSTOI'IIICH COI.UMWS.
From the same, authority comes the
assurance that the first occasion upon
which GEOUGE WASHINGTON used the
historic sentence, " I cannot tell a lie,"
was when he was accused by a caddie
of putting his foot upon his adversary's
ball while going to the eighteenth
*. -
•
. <r •!
• *"V-S5M
^r.
c
\N
APPEARANCES ARE DECEPTIVE.
He. "Wno's THAT?"
Slie. "JACK ANSTRLTJIER AND ins BRIDE.
He. "DOESN'T LOOK I.IKE IT!"
HE MARRIED EVER SO MUCH BENEATH HIM.'
green, all sqtiare, upon the first monthly
medal day at Mount Vernon.
Out of respect for the country that
claims the new Amateur Golf Champion,
the anniversary of the battle of Bunker's
Hill, which occurs on the 17th inst., will
be observed as a day of self-denial by
all habitual swearers, throughout the
golf links of Great Britain.
At the next meeting of the Royal and
Ancient Club, it will be mooted that the
caddies of the historic green be in
future requested to allude to their
national head-gear as their Tammanies.
A propos of golf garb, Roosevelt-soled
Ixxits give a much firmer stance than
the once popular nail-studded crushers.
Later. — Since the collapse of Mr.
TRAVIS (U.S.A.) in the second round of
the Open Championship, all the above
international courtesies inay be regarded
as cancelled ; and TOM MORRW bis defi-
nitely decided to remain a Scotsman.
The Wunderkind again.
ADY NURSE.— Experienced infant pre-
ferred.
Entire charge.
M./rf. 'in the "
412
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 15, 1904.
THAMES TRAGEDIES.
JONES SAYS THESE is ONLY ONE REALLY SAFE WAY OF CUANGINO PLACES IN A SKIFF !
THE REVOLT OF THE FARE.
THE grievances of the London cab-
users, after simmering for several
out the metropolis,
have been conducted
decades, have boiled over at last, and
a general strike is in progress through-
Some inquiries
by Mr. Punch's
Special Commissioner with a view to
obtain fresh light on a matter of no
small public importance.
It appears that the cab-users, as a
class, are an honest, intelligent, and
members of the cab-using profession
are ended.
In these hard times, however, it is
frequently the case that the cab-rider
comes home to his wife with an empty
pocket, and we fear that he complains,
all too justly, that he cannot obtain a
living wage. The extortions of the cab-
drivers and the depredations of the
luggage-touts have left him but little
wherewith to rear and educate his
ing family. Small wonder is it, then, 1
that he is dissatisfied with the way in j
deserving set of people, and must not which his wrongs have been hitherto
be judged by the very small proportion ignored. Cab-users, feminine as well
of bilkers and other black sheep among as masculine, were inarticulate at the
their number. They are, in general, ! time of the ASQUITH arbitration, but
highly respectable, a large number i since then powerful arguments in their
being married, with families to support. ! favour have come forward in the shape
They pay rates . and taxes, like other i of Tubes, motors, and electric trams, and
citizens who do not Passively advertise | they are determined to bring matters to
themselves. Cases of incivility and in- a head.
sobriety while in the act of cab-riding
are becoming rarer every day.
Taking them all round, it may be
said that cab-users are hard-working
and conscientious according to their
lights. They are out in all weathers,
endeavouring to meet the calls of society,
and to fulfil the duties of shopping
or attendance at theatres and restau-
rants. The hours are long, and it is
Several mass meetings have been held,
not altogether without result, within the
last few days. At a gathering of cab-
riding Peers and Members of Parliament
in the yard at St. Stephen's at 12.30 A.M.
last Thursday night, in answer to the
cry of "Who goes home?" it was
unanimously resolved that they would
do so on foot, as a protest against the
tvrannical action of the cabdrivers in
sometimes tliree or four o'clock in i boycotting the Legislature. It was
the morning before the labours of j further agreed that the money which
the theatrical and dance - frequenting I would otherwise have been spent on
fares should be devoted to the settlement
of cobblers' bills on account of wear and
tear of shoe-leather.
Some impassioned speeches by titled
strikers and others were delivered at
the Church Parade in Hyde Park near
the Achilles statue last Sunday in
favour of a widened radius, the aboli-
tion of gratuities, and the introduction
of taxameters. A collection was made
in support of the strike fund. Pickets
were stationed at the various entrances
of the Park to observe any blackleg cab-
riders. All who were not wearing the
pink Union ticket on their silk or picture
hats were invited to dismount. Small
flags marked FAIR, for insertion in the
buttonhole, were distributed for the pur-
pose of tantalising any drivers who
might be shaky in spelling.
The result of these operations has
been the speedy reduction of the London
cabmen to reason. A conference was held
: yesterday in which they agreed, pending
; a final settlement, to accede to most of
the cab-users' demands, viz., to accept the
bare legal fare without demur, to refrain
from crawling, to drive straight to the
point, to go where ordered (even to a
remote suburb), and to come when
whistled for.
P.S. — The latest news is that there is
now a strike among the horses on
account of overwork. Mr. P.'s Com-
missioner is still whistling for his cab.
E
15, 1!>OI.
N3
.li M: lf>, 1'JOl.i
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
427
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTKI) FROM THK DlVHV <>K T'*;n , M.I'.
I Ii»<i<f nf < 'minium.-', Monday, Jinn- I).
—The stars in their courses fight for
PRINCE AUTIICR. Scvmril at opening of
to-day's sitting he hail really got into
tight place. llou-,e in Committee on
Licensing Hill. No disguise of reluct-
ance on part of some exceptionally
influential Ministerialists to support
Clause ]!., which creates freehold in
liquor licences by enacting payment of
compensation on non-renewal. Ready
for anything reasonable ; constitutionally
opposed to confiscation ; but insist that
duration of compensation system shall be
limited by term of years sufficient to sale-
guard traders who secured their licence
under the now existing law — which, by
the way, makes it subject to withdrawal at
the end of every twelve months. Opposi-
tion, seeing opportunity of filching votes,
accordingly tabled amendments limiting
claim for compensation to periods vary-
ing from seven to twenty-one years.
This PRINCE Aiinuu's new- difficulty.
If the tiling were well managed, enough
Ministerial votes would be drawn to
make the division an unpleasantly near
thing. Urgent Whip out summoning
the faithful to the ramparts. House
presents appearance long unfamiliar ;
benches crowded on both sides ; Opposi-
tion elate, expectant ; Ministerialists
depressed, complaining, murmuring
mutiny at a leadership that, crossing a
bridge leading to General Election,
grabs at the shadow of the publican's
vote and loses the substance, represented
by vote of the Church, the Temperance
party, ami all the higher levels of
Conservatism.
" And in this case," said Mr. J. G.
TALBOT, with a wan smile, " the substance
is in peculiar sense ' the cheese.' "
Before Committee had sat an hour
situation was reversed. It was the Minis-
terialists who were jubilant, the Oppo-
sition cast down. And all through ELLIS
GRIFFITH, loyalest of Liberals.
In ordinary plans of campaign, as for
example that environing Fort Arthur, it
is customary for the arbitrary direction
of movement to be left in the hands of
Commander-iii-Chiel'. I fat the critical
moment, when advancing to attack, a
full private or an epauletted captain
were to dash in with a manoeuvre
entirely his own, it.s progress would be
interrupted at initial stage by the stra-
tegist being shot through the head
by comrade-, nearest at hand. Liberals,
whether in Opposition or in office,
manage things much better. Every
man in the ranks is as good as another,
much better than any statesman on tin-
front bench. The Member for Anglesey
didn't mean any harm, lie was not in
tin-', private pay of Ministers. No one
LANDED HIS PARTY IN A BISKER.
Mr. Ell-s Gr-il-th.
more honestly or hotly objected to un-
limited duration of the Compensation
Clause. Only it woidd be a glory to
gallant little Wales, an honour to
Anglesey, if, pushing ahead of the
ordered programme, he raised question
of time limit on Clause I., leaving
the score or more of Members with
amendments to Ckuse II. grinding their
teeth. Accordingly moved amendment
limiting operation of Clause I. to seven
years.
HOULDSWORTH, Unionist Member for
Manchester, whose expected help in
resisting unlimited compensation was
of inestimable value to Opposition,
pointed out that Clause I., whilst in-
volving payment of compensation, also
dealt with the transference to Quarter
Sessions of the jurisdiction of local
justices. Hostile to unlimited compen-
sation, he was in favour of the latter
provision and could not support an
amendment that abolished it at the end
of seven years. And HOULDSWORTH spoke
for a score or more Ministerialists on
whose vote Opposition counted.
Here was a pretty pickle ! The ruth-
less Chairman increased its pungency
by ruling that, if conditions of compen-
sation were discussed on ELLIS GRIFFITH'S
amendment, question might not be re-
opened in its proper place on Clause II.
ELLIS GRIFFITH begged leave to withdraw
his amendment. Ministerialists laughed
loud and long. A man revoking in
a game of bridge played for high stakes
might just as well seek to avoid the
penalty by asking leave to withdraw the
card and play another. Chagrin of
Opposition not modified by consideration
that they had been out-manoeuvred by
an adroit enemy. Marcliing along with
confidence to take up a strong position.
they had wantonly strayed and now
found themselves in a bog.
Business done.— Licensing Bill in
Committee. Opposition make bad
start.
TiH'mlnii, midnight. The spectacle of
Mr. ('HOOKS seated below the Gangway
wearing somebody else's opera hat what
time he hurled objurgation at the Chair
would have caused palpitation in 1'oplar
had the Constituency been iu sight of
its esteemed represent ntive. Hut 1'oplar
was in bed, or ought to have been. It
was within a few minute^ of midnight,
a circumstance which, taken in conjunc-
tion with the opera hat and the inflamed
gestures, suggested that the honourable
Member was all'ording practical illustra-
tion of necessity' for more stringent
supervision of the Licensing Laws.
The suspicion was absolutely un-
founded, wholly unworthy. The act is,
PRINCE AUTHUU had moved the closure
on further debate of the ELLIS GRIFFITH
amendment. House cleared for a divi-
sion. In accordance with quaint
etiquette established before Queen AVNE
was dead, a Member desiring to address
the Chair must, in such circumstances,
remain seated, wearing his hat. At the
moment Mr. CROOKS didn't happen to
have a hat with him. Struggling to his
feet he was received with roar [of con-
tumely from upholders of law and order
opposite. Pulled down by the coat tails
by friends near him, he showed disposi-
tion to have it out with somebody.
" What did they mean by roaring, 'Put
onyer'at'? I haven't got |a nat," he
growled.
It was then CATHCART WASON came to
his aid. Strolling in from the opera,
or other resort of fashionable Scotch
Members, he carried his opera hat under
his arm. Releasing the structure with
a bang that sounded above the tumult
Mr. Cr-ks, being without his own hat, disappears
inside the opera-hat of Mr. \V-a-n.
428
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
xE 15, 1904.
on the other side, he placed it on
Mr. CROOKS'S head.
All being now in order the Member
for Poplar made his protest ; the ( 'hair-
man blandly ruled there was nothing in
it; the division_went_on, and the closure
was decreed.
After all, the closure not an un-
reasonable proceeding. Question of
time limit to compensation to publicans
disturbed in possession of Ilioir license
LORD LANSDOWXE'S BROTHER.
(Lord Edm-nd F-tzm-r-ce.)
been talked round through two long
sittings. If all that was to be said pro
and con. could not be uttered in that
period opportunity must have been
wantonly wasted.
Much reason to fear that Mr. CKOOKS'S
emotion arose from circumstance that
he contemplated contribution to the
debate and had missed earlier open-
ings. This regrettable ; but on the
whole the Member for Poplar cannot
complain of inadequate share of a week's
talk. In fact he is in danger thus early
in a promising Parliamentary career of
wrecking it by excessive garrulity. It
would be a pity, for, otherwise, the
House listens to him gladly. Recognises
in him a valuable addition to the class
of labour representatives who form one
of its most respected and influential
sections. A capital speaker, through
his first quarter of an hour; knows
what he is talking about ; illustrates his
theme with flashes of homely humour.
But alack! he doesn't know when to
sit down.
As the MEMBER FOR SARK, fresh from
Sir WILLIAM POLLITT'S dinner to a nota-
ble group of railway managers, says
" CROOKS'S speech lacks terminal facili-
ties."
The other 'day. in Committee of Sup-
ply, he spoke on the Local Government
vote for forty minutes by Westminster
clock. That would be unpardonable
•ven in debate on the second reading of
in important Bill. In Committee a
man is not expected to make a speech ;
lis business is to contribute brief
practical talk in elucidation of the point
mmediately at issue.
Mr. CROOKS is too excellent a force to
je wasted, too good a man to be spoiled.
Salvation for him would come by the
•ealisation of CAHNE RASCII'S dream of
compulsorily shortened speeches. Heard
nuch to-day and yesterday about time
imit for compensation, in the interests
)f reducing inebriety in drink. A time
imit designed to minimise inebriety in
speech, is scarcely of less importance.
i'ending enactment of RASCII'S proposal
i friendly word in Mr. CROOKS'S ear may
effective.
Business done. — ELLIS GRIFFITH'S
unendment to Licensing Bill negatived
}y majority of ninety-eight. " Who
fears to speak of '98 ? " quoted PRINTK
ARTHUR, looking cheerily at the stricken
lost opposite.
CHARIVARIA.
WE have had a big stroke of luck in
the war against Tibet. Our ultimatum
has been returred with an impertinent
message. This insult justifies the
The Women's International Congress,
now sitting at Berlin, demands " the
absolute equality of the sexes." Yet
and this is characteristic of female im-
practicability) no means have been sug-
gested for raising the male sex to the
standard attained by the other.
A new disease, known as the " shaking
sickness," has made its appearance in
Swiss schools, and it is feared it will
become necessary to close some of these
institutions. Many English schoolboys
have given orders for a specimen of the
bacillus to be forwarded to them as soon
as it is discovered.
People continue to complain of the
plague of gnats. We understand that
a good defence is to bathe the face twice
a day in liquid glue. The insects will
stick to this without inflicting further
irritation.
The Aowe \ remt/a is wroth with
Great Britain. The war, it declares, " is
largely due to the provocation and com-
plicity of a third party." But the Novae
Vremi/a forgets that, even if the allega-
tion were true, 'Russia ought to be
grateful to us for giving her the oppor-
tunity of wiping the "yellow monkeys"
off the face of the earth.
It has again been suggested that in
future any defaulting South American
Republic shall be annexed by the United
States. It would, we take it, be incor-
porated with the State of Iowa.
Boots for dogs are declared to be the
latest fashionable novelty. But it has
long been the custom to supply these
articles to cats, when they sing too much
at night-time.
Paragraphs have been appearing in
several papers on the subject of the
strange uses to which old tram-cars are
put, but no mention is made of the
strangest use of all to which they are
put in some parts of London, namely,
that of tram-cars.
The Vyedomosti, of St. Petersburg,
approves of Mr. HENRY NORMAN, M.P.
It serves him right.
A music-hall performer, now appear-
ing in London, has stated that she was
offered £525 a week to stay in Chicago.
Whether this sum was offered by London
or Chicago has not transpired.
The Motor Car declares, on high medi-
cal authority, that motoring is a cure for
insanity. We would therefore recom-
mend several motorists we know to
persevere.
A lad liamed JOHN JAMES JOHNSON was
recently knocked down by a van driven
by a man named JOHN JAMES JOHNSON.
Curiously enough, they were not related,
and it is not known whv it was done.
" If there are any poets or poetesses
here," said Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN, speaking
to the Dante Society, " my advice to you
is ' Do not let Society spoil you.' " Can
the Laureate have inadvertently confused
himself with that other ALFRED who was
" England's Darling " ?
Italy and Germany are not the only
countries which are desirous of increas-
ing their navies. The American cruiser
Taeoma, according to a cable, lias recently
started from Honolulu in search of the
war-sloop Livan, which sailed from
Hilo in 1859 and has not been reported
since.
The conflict in the Far East has led
to a great outbreak of military activity
in almost every quarter of the globe.
Even Australia is up and doing. A
Military Order has been published in
the Melbourne Argus, directing a regi-
mental Board to enquire into and report
upon certain damages alleged to have
been sustained by a saucepan in charge
of the officer commanding the Queens-
cliff district.
JIM: If,. I'.mi.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
429
OUR MR. JABBERJEE IN THE FAR EAST.
In I.i'iri'i- li'i'ii'totm,
Mn'y 16.
IV.lillM'S, Sir. when your aijuililic optics have scanned the
above heading, yon will wonder why iu the name of l>ickens
1 am descending tlic Korean I'oninsiilar, in place of pressing
myself forward into the Japanese Van, which is now occu-
pied in making alarms and excursions amongst the Wilds of
Manchuria?
Undoubtedly, liad 1 merely consulted the interests of the
Clnttagony Evening Conch, the proper address to find me
would by this time have become once more, like that ot the
Juvenile Hibernian Minstrel, in the ranks of \\ ar.
But I am proud to say that, in my duel capacity of "1'nm-li
Representative " and " War Correspondent," I have always
considered that the former is entitled to precedency. I am
here solely for the advancement of yourself aud Periodical !
For I was lately in receipt of a friendly tip from the
officiating Hon/.e that he was now in apple-pie orders for
inaugurating I'nndis Temple. [ED. COM.— Mr. Jabbcrja1
has been more than oncf informed that nothing but a pro-
found scepticism as to the existence of any such structure
prevented us from cabling to stop such nonsense at once.\
I am not ignorant that, in one or two of your fatherly-
epistles, you have hinted that for no consideration would
you be induced to lend your open and benevolent countenance
for any heathenish idolatries, and of course I easily under-
stood that (officially) you could hardly return any other
response without causing rather grave scandal in ortho-
doxical English Home Circles !
But I recalled from my Shakspearian readings that Richard,
when Duke of Glostershire, on being offered the crown by
Hon'ble Mark Antony, as Earl of Bucks, did refuse it no less
than three times, for the sake of appearances — and I should
be deplorably lacking in Mother's wit if I could not read
between the apparently hard and fast lines of your repudiation.
However, by all means make a whipping-post of myself as
escaped goat, if necessary — even to the extent of exhibiting
me to public execrations as an unauthorised fanatical.
Though it is superfluous to protest that I am not so utterly
benighted as to be a believer in Demonology — which I
regard, like most other philosophers, as purely the matter
of policy and climate !
Still, I am bold enough to suspect that, behind a frowning
mask, you are concealing a secretly approving simper. In
this persuasion I am vastly encouraged by the recollection of
having once seen a published description of a certain Inner
Chamber of Punch's Office, wherein, so it was alleged, your-
self and staff are wont to assemble for mystic and secret
discourses. For, from photos of this apartment illustrating
said article, I was dumfoundered to perceive that it contained
no less than two large-sized "Punch" effigies of such un-
paralleled hideosity that it is almost inconceivable they could
be there merely as ornaments. . . . Then, pray, for what,
Misters ? . . . Please answer that question in the privacy of
own bosoms, before protruding your tongues in hypocritical
horror at practices by less highly educated Korean natives !
Be this as it may, you would be, I venture humbly to
assert, somewhat less than human if your cordial cockles are
not to indulge in suppressed cheerings on receiving intelli-
gence of the splendid success which your idol has already
obtained in these localities.
It has been christened the " Chin-Tung-Konk " (the
Garrulous god with the Truly Magnificent Proboscis), and
no idol coidd have been honoured with a more auspicious
" send-off " at its temple-wanning.
My friend the Bonze, though by birth of Buddhistic
opinions, is a broad-minded, unprejudiced old chap who is
" On, DEAJ!, DEAR ! How SHOCKED AND GRIEVED YOl'R POOR FATHER
WOULD BE TO SEE TOO TWO NAUGHTY BOYS SMOKING LIKE THIS AT YOUD AGE ! "
'• RATHER ! THESE ARE HIS MOST EXPENSIVE CIGARS ! "
willing to recognise any rival religion, provided it is rendered
worth his while.
He is also (as I think I mentioned) a fermenting admirer
of your pictorial waggery, though totally unable to read the
accompanying letterpresses. I am instructing him in the
elementary principles of English Humour, and he will, I
believe, be competent, after a few more lessons, to com-
prehend (and — who knows ? —perhaps, even, to compose !)
the simpler kind of witticisms.
Indeed, he is already impatient to figure as the Occasional
Contributor — but I have gently reminded him that he is not
to expect that he can gallop before he has learnt to toddle.
I will now proceed to describe the inaugural ceremonies,
and if, after reading same, you can remain impervious to
lively sentiments of obligation towards one who prefers to
remain anonymous — then I must reluctantly endorse the
good old sore that " There is only one place in which we
may be certain of finding Gratitude — to wit, the Dictionary."
(Kindly excuse chestnuts !)
Now to resume. After the adjoining devil-tree had,
according to native customs and etiquettes, been duly
suspended with innumerable rags representing orisons, the
congregation adjourned to interior of shrine, where they
performed highly elaborated genuflections before a very
handsomely gilded and decorated Punch idol, to which they
presented offerings of boiled rice, inexpensive sweetstuffs,
and cakes in small copper trays. (These offerings, I should
mention, were religiously consumed on following day by the
officiating clergy, who were subsequently taken so severely
unwell that I was under the distressing apprehension that
my friend the Bonze, in particular, was to kick the bucket !)
Next, I read vivd voce a few selected extracts from your
esteemed issue of April 20, with running exegetical comments.
430
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 15, 1!X)4.
which were received by all present with awestruck reverence
as a Vox Del.
After that, the venerable Bonze favoured your image with
some rather fine Terpsichorean performances, accompanied
on :i drum, a brazen gong, a cracked bell, and a pair ol
twinkling cymbals, by his assistant acolytes.
But, although tlie said Bonze's toe was undeniably fantastic,
I am not prepared to testify from personal experience that it
was of any exceptional levity — while, as to the ecclesiastical
orchestra, they kicked up so cacophonous and deafening a
din that it was not unworthy even of a London Charivari !
Altogether, it was a scene of the wildest enthusiasms. At
least fifteen converts, after expressing a vehement desire to
become life-subscribers to your respectable periodical, were
removed in cataleptic convulsions before I could even ascer-
tain their names and addresses.
The proceedings then terminated with a display of native
fireworks and other festivities, and I may safely say that your
shrine is now launched in the fairway of business. Indeed,
sundry older-established devils are already putting up their
shutters, and my friend the Bonze has coyly confided to me
that he will not be greatly surprised if the Punch idol were,
by-and-by, to bring off some minor miracle or other !
The question now is : what line arc you going to take ? . . .
It is of course open to you to upset your own apple-cart
by giving the chuck to myself. But why, impetuous Sir,
why cut off jrour face to spite your nose ? When meat is
overdone, you cannot induce it to return to raw material by
a mere declaration to that effect. So my advice is that you
should assume the virtue that you haven't got, and not
tender yourself (to say nothing of your humble servant !) a
fool by publicly admitting that you are totally undeserving
of divine honours.
Leave such assertions to others, and do not be such an
ill-natured old bird as to render your own nest unfit for
habitation !
By the way, the Bonze's bill for dancing and use of
assistants only comes to yen 35, as he has made the great
reduction in his customary charges, owing to his inordinate
love and affection for the presiding deity of your illustrious
serial !
There are not improbably several Editors of acknowledged
eminence who would rush baldheadedly into such an Al
opening, and gladly endow almost any Korean shrine in
perpetuity, s-imply as the advertising medium.
Surely you are not to be behind The Times in blowing
your own boom !
P.S. — I have paid BONZE & Co. out of my private pocket,
in the childlike assurance that my damascened cheek will
not be reduced to the misery of blushing for Hon'ble Punch
as a parsimonious ! Slio-ji is slightly better. H. B. J.
VENUS'S LOOKING-GLASS.
THE sympathetic action of the Woodbridge District Council
in erecting a mirror at some cross roads for the benefit of
motorists has met with general approval. There is some un-
certainty, however, as to whether the glass is intended to
reflect round-the-corner traffic for the information of the
driver, or whether it is placed there for the benefit of the
lady in the tonneau. In any case it has been noticed that
cars bearing what are presumably members of the fair sex
refuse to pass the glass, and that the cross roads have further
become a favourite resort for lady bicyclists and short-skirted
pedestrians. The crowd, however, has BO far been quite
orderly and good-tempered, falling into the queue and patiently
waiting according to the police instructions until each gets
her proper turn. In order, however, to prevent undue con-
gestion, it has been proposed that a mirror should be placed
at every other milestone, so as to distribute the traffic.
MOMUS AT THE APOLLO THEATRE.
PRETTY music and faces, bright scenes and costumes, some
tuneful voices, a few catching melodies well sung, laughably
eccentric acting and spontaneously comic dialogue, all con-
tribute towards the making a genuine success for the
comic opera Vtronique, now gaily running at the Apollo
Theatre. The music by M. ANDRE MESSAGER is light and
sparkling, and the piece itself is equidistant from Figaro on
the one hand and La Grande Duehcssc on the other, and far
off from both. The music has little in it to remind us of
AriiEK ; and not much, save where there are a few bars of
dance between the verses, or at the end of a song or chorus,
to recall OFFENBACH. Nor has it either the sweet melody of
Ari>RAN, nor the dash of PLANQUETTE. It is MESSAGER, not at
his very best, but in a bright and pleasant mood.
Miss ROSINA BRANDRAM sings a melodious song so well as
to gain an encore. Hers is not a particularly funny part, but
it would be difficult to name anyone with a trained voice,
and with Miss BJRANDRAM'S experience in this line of business,
who could make so much of the character as she succeeds in
doing. As Agatha, Miss KITTY GORDON, distinguishing herself
by her dash and go in singing, dancing, and acting, toujours
dans le mouvement, is one of the chiefest of the " lifes and
souls " of the opera. Miss SYBIL GREY, the sprightly repre-
sentative of Denise, dances so cleverly as to assist Mr. AUBREY
FITZGERALD, the idiotic Seraphim, in winning an encore for
their united efforts in the Second Act. All the ladies of the
period, 1840, harmoniously singing, are, individually and
collectively as chorus, charming ; while the tuneful dandies,
their companions, distinguish themselves not only by the airs
they give themselves and by their correct rendering of the airs
given them by the composer, but also by their graces accord-
ing to the colour and variety of the tight-fitting costumes.
Miss RUTH VINCENT as the heroine, Helene de Solanges,
enters thoroughly into the humour of the unoriginal light-
comedy plot, which is simply a variant of She Stoops to
Conquer and other similar farces, singing and acting delight-
fully, securing encores (a genuine triple encore in the last Act,
which she sensibly declined to take), and dividing the
honours of the duets with Mr. LAWRENCE REA (representing
lier lover Florestan, a stiff-jointed youth in correct but
awkward attire), whose charm of voice atones for what is
lacking to him histrionically. But the tenor who can act as
well as he sings, what a rara avis is he !
Mr. FRED EMNEY as Mons. Loustot (why " Mons." ?) makes
the most of an eccentric part. But it is to Mr. GEORGE GRAVES
as Mows. Coquenard (again why "Mons."?) that a clear two-
thirds of the success of this piece (apart from its music) is
due. He is the drollest of the droll, and his quite irrepressi-
3le fun, being now at its freshest and not as yet stereotyped,
s heartily enjoyed not only by the audience, who* take
iis even- joke and go into ecstasies of mirth over all his
eccentricities, but also by those on the scene with him,
who are compelled to turn aside in order to dissemble their
.aughter, while even the conductor of the orchestra and his
musicians are fain to smile in sympathy. That the source
}f all this amusement is to be found either in the adaptation
by Mr. HENKY HAMILTON, or in the original, is open to con-
-iderable doubt.
Though there is nothing particularly novel in the situations
(for the donkey trio and the " swing " duet are not unfamiliar
to play-goers), yet is it all bright, light and sparkling ; while
that drollissimo Mr. GEORGE GRAVES (how queerly inappro-
priate the name !) as Coquenard, is irresistibly comic.
RUSSIA'S position in the Far East seems worse than it was
n the Crimean War. She now has no Steppes in the neigh-
oourhood to climb down by.
.JIM: I.'), lit-,!.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
13]
OPERATIC NOTES.
Jiui<'4. — Poor Fraulein TKKXIXV still suffering from mid.
and so unalile to appear a> f,'//.«v//ir/// in Tniiiiln'iiixi'i: Hut
Krai i I'll, l.l being applied to intimates that " H.M.'Kis i-
\\illin',' '.and appears on this occasion majestically tilling
Tannlia'iiser Van Dyck between tlie two charmers, Frnu Egli-sabetli
and Frau Reinl-Venus.
" How harpy could he be with either ! "
the part of our Lisa, whose only rival in the affections of
that very wandering minstrel boy Tannhauser is Miladi Venus
of Venusberg, amply represented by Frau REINL. Herr VAN
1 >Y( K. as tin- wayward knight who lias more than one string to
his harp, sang and acted well, though the weather seemed to
have affected his vocal chords, for
in England our early June suits
not a foreign musical Jit ne premier.
Herr VAX DYCK'S portrait of Tann-
hauser is excellent, showing how,
when led away into wrong courses,
he strikes the lyre and returns to
truth. Admirable is VAN ROOT as
Wolfram. One of his songs —
the first distinctive line of which
the present deponent, not being
well up in the language of Ger-
many, will not venture to write lest
any injury should be done to the
type was delightful. Vive le
K'XIY! Not a very big house to-
night, but quite enough to be
carried away by the two VANS.
Fine weather "cffers week-end
attractions, and to-night the up-
;>, Hrnl ami river fete of the Fourth of June
seen playing. Hoys takes not a few musical-box
"gel there
when Mile.
n
folk to Bee the Kton Ten-oar, the only rival this evening of
the tenor at ( 'ovent ( iardcn. J)r. lh\s UK in i 11 and orcheM ni
perfect. " II \Y- in luck."
.In HI' 7. Those opera-goers who were imaUe to
" lo-night, have a great, treat in store for them
Slil.INA Kill/ again sings and plays tin- part of
ii/iil, 'lln. The top note of her exit song on the
balcony leading to the lied room wa- enthii-iastieallv
acclaimed, and the"C<m) B0me" having lieen rapturously
encored Mile. Siaix.v Ki \\7, had to descend the staircase
rather a COme-down for her make a graceful Knr/y. repeat
her ^nccess, give her gracious ascent, and once more make her
top-notable exit. Kravissima ! She must lie immortalised
by our artist on her next appearance. Signur ( '\iirsii again
triumphant as the Dangerous and Deceitful Dook, with the
delicious melody to which are set the words of the modern
motor-car song, "La donna !• <niln-mobile." Mile. BAIKI:-
MKISTKI; as tin' unprincipled (I'mrunnn (a cousin of ( Unniiini
the Don) as good, and as wicked, as ever. The excellent
.Mine. KIIIKIIV Li NX is compelled to come out to-night un-
commonly strong as the mem- tladdeAena, especially in the
last quartette, which is splendidly given and rapturously
taken by the house. M. REXAUD, as the unhappy jester who
is the victim of his own practical jokes, arouses the sympathy
of the audience by his acting, and gains their applause by his
singing. Altogether, with the marvellous musicians under
Master MANCINELLI, this is one of the very best of this season's
good nights.
Thursday, June 9. — Tristan und Isolde, commencing 7.45.
Is this deponent quite a Wagnerite ? Is Mr. P.' a Represen-
tative almost a Wagnerite? Say two-thirds? Yes. He
is a Lohengrinite, a moderate Tannhauserite, a thorough
Flying-Dutchmanite, and a considerable bit of a Meister-
singerite. But is he a Tristan-und-Isolde-ite ? As far as
the dramatic music for orchestra is concerned, emphatically
and enthusiastically " Yes "; but when we come to the vocal
operatic part that represents the acted story, most decidedly
" No." For rather would this deponent see tableaux vivanta
illustrating WAGNER'S dramatic explanatory music, than hear
the apparently painful efforts of sweet singers straining to
get in a shout here and there, while utterly at a loss to invent
such variety of action as shall relieve the dreary monotony of
the wearisome proceedings.
There was a very full house, because not] to be interested
" ARMA ViiUMQi't."
Frauleiu Isolde Plaichiuger about to take the dose. Herr Tristan
Van Dyck is already suffering from the effects of a draught. Notice
the expression on his countenance, and on that of the canine head
carved on arm of chair, the open mouth indicating that the iiasty stuff
lias not yet been tried on the dog.
432
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHAKIVARI.
[JUNE 15, 1904.
in WAGNER is to argue yourself " out of it," and not up to tl«
growing fashion of the day. But the majority, probably no
musically qualified to be out-and-out Wagnerites, are, how
ever, Wagnerites with a difference. They nightly crowd in t(
hear him, and whether they are henceforth to vote solid foi
WAGNER, or not, the next season will show. The plot of Tristai
und Isolde is spun-out, and there must be the very perfection
of acting and singing to prevent it from becoming tedious
os an opera, after the first half hour. When the UE RESZKEI-
were in it, with Mile. MEISSLINGER and Madame ALHANI, the
most bigoted anti-Wagnerite was inclined to yield. But with
Herr VAN DYCK as Tristan, Fraulein PLAICHINGER as Isolde
and Herr HINCKLEY as King Markc, good as they all are, it is
a different, matter. Comparisons must not be drawn, and
criticism is superfluous. One can only wonder at, and
praise, the energy displayed in the singing, and also in the
dramatic action, which it is difficult for all to appreciate at
its true value. It is Dr. RICHTER'S personally conducted
orchestra that rivets the attention ; to those mainly inte-
rested in the music the singers are " such stuff as dreams are
made on." We listen, we close our eyes, and we enjoy it.
Fraulein PLAICHINGER'S acting is semaphorical : it may be
descriptively summed upas "arms and the woman." Herr
HINCKLEY'S King Marke is pathetic, and Herr VAN DYC
impersonation of the mesmerised amorous Tristan arouses
our pity for the good man gone wrong. Madame KIKKBY
LUNN as the confidante Brangdne succeeds in making the
character intelligible to the audience, in spite of her having
to pass so much of her time in a corner with her face to the
wall like a naughty infant-school-girl. By the way poor
King Markc is condemned to a similar position, for quite
twenty minutes in the Second Act, without having done any-
thing whatever to deserve such treatment. How operatic
actors of experience can lend themselves to such puerile
stage-business as that with the " property " cup, broad
and shallow, which, choke-full of liquid "potion," they wave
about with enough recklessness to cause every drop to be spilt,
is something that utterly passes any ordinary comprehension.
A master of dramatic music in the orchestra, WAGNER was
but a child in the nursery of dramatic art on the stage.
BLOSSOMING.
IF, on Tuesday the 7th, at the end of the matinee at His
Majesty's, when a highly-finished performance of Twelfth
Night had been given in aid of " The Fresh Air Fund," Mr.
TREE " was delighted," as he so heartily expressed himself,
" to find that the presence of that audience would give a day
of fresh air and happiness to twenty thousand little children,"
how still more pleased must he have been that the successful
debut of his daughter, Miss VIOLA, should have crowned the
memorable occasion. Of good omen is it that this charming
representative of a branch of the Family Tree (the others,
olive branches, on this occasion were packed in a box) should
be a youthful actress who gave considerable promise by a
most creditable performance.
On any debutante playing Viola in Twelfth Night, what
greater praise can be bestowed than to say, " She is ' VIOLA " ?
Now this is, in a sense, true of Miss VIOLA TREE. The young
lady is Mr. TREE'S VIOLA, but is she SHAKSPEAKE'S ? Not
quite as yet : but let other Violas look to their laurels ; there
may be a TREE growing up to overshadow them. With
pleasure will the Pere TREE watch the fruit a-ripening.
Mr. Punch wishes her health, happiness, and success !
Corruption in the "Force."
' Focu burglaries have recently been attempted in Penistone and
district, but only a few coppers have been secured."
Leeds and Yorkshire Mercury.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
THERE is nothing particularly new or strikingly original in
Mrs. ADELINE SERGEANT'S latest romance, entitled Malincourt
Keep (JoHN LONG), and yet from first to last it interests the
reader, who will not willingly be interrupted in its perusal
until the uttermost chapter has been reached and finished.
To a certain extent the story recalls the ancient legend oJ
Blue Beard, that is of Baron Abomcliquc, who so fascinates
the girl with whom he has fallen in love that she vehe-
mently protests against the idea of her having the slightest
desire to pry into the Blue Chamber, wherein is carefully
guarded the strange secret of his life. Perhaps this hint
may just whet the excitement-lover's appetite for sensation,
and the Baron hereby gives such an one to understand, in
the language of the much-married Mr. Adolphus Tetterby,
that " astonishment will be the portion of that respected con-
temporary."
In writing Every Man his men Gardener (HoDDER AND
STOUGHTON) Mr. JOHN HALSHAM addresses himself primarily to
people who with little or no experience find themselves the
possessors of about as much garden as they think they can
manage single-handed. It is a multitudinous class, and they
will find in this work the very thing they want. Mr. HALSHAM
knows his garden au fond — or lower still, at least a yard
deep, where by dint of digging he begins his study of the
sort of soil he has to deal with. Having acquired that
essential information Paterfamilias, young, middle-aged, or
just retired from business, will find set forth, in simple
language, practical instructions for dealing with his plot
through the revolving seasons. Few people take keener
delight in a garden than does my Baronite. He, however,
draws the line at labouring in it with spade or hoe. But he
intends to leave this book casually lying about where it will
come under the notice of those who do, confident that they
will gain many useful hints. The volume is charmingly
illustrated by CARINE CADBY, the Rev. F. C. LAMBERT, and the
author.
In future the Baron will be on his guard against trusting
Mr. GUY BOOTHBY with any mystery that he does not wish to
become public property. This author has got hold of An
Ocean Secret, and he can't keep
it to himself! And what hap-
pens? Messrs. F. V. WHITE &
Co. absolutely sell the secret,
which GUY B. has confided to
them, for money ! ! So thrilling
is the first sensational shock, that
subsequent proceedings fail in
Diling up the agony quick enough
to meet the demand of the ex-
pectant reader. Whether the
secret is worth knowing or not,
,he aforesaid reader will decide
br himself when he has mas-
tered it.
THE
BARON
DE
B.-W.
FROM the Manchester Guardian :
"Night Watchman Wanted, accustomed to heavy firing ; give refer-
ences."
Port Arthur papers, please copy.
CONUNDRUM BY COMMODORE JUNK (ioho has been studying the
War neics). " Why are bare-footed little beggars in London
streets like Chinese bandits? Because they are Sans-
shoeses." [On reference we find the name is Chan-suscs,
and, therefore, rely upon the experienced Commodore's
practical knowledge of the pronunciation.]
JUNE 22, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
433
CHARIVARIA.
IN the midst of the turmoil of war
the courteous Japanese still find time
to think of the entertainment of their
guests. Tho steamer Manchuria has
just left for a month's pleasure trip
with the foreign naval attaches and a
number of war-correspondents aboard.
If it ran bo managed, the excursion will
cover a visit to the seat of war.
The Shah of PERSIA has heard that
the interests of England and France
are now identical, and his Majesty has
placed with a Leeds firm an order for
clothes which has hitherto gone to France.
If anything further were required to
convince the American public of the
contemptible character of RAISULI, the
Moroccan brigand who captured one of
their countrymen, it is provided by
his refusal to appear as an exhibit at
the St. Louis Exhibition.
At length the public is to have a
chance of learning what measures intro-
duced into Parliament are really worthy
of support. " It is my intention during
the remainder of the present Parlia-
ment," writes Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL,
" to vote as far as possible according to
the merits of the various questions upon
which divisions are taken."
The only other political news of any
importance is that Sir HENRY CAMPBELL-
BANNERMAN doesn't much like Im-
perialism, and Lord ROSEBERY doesn't
much like Home Rule, and the rest of
the Liberal Party don't much like thejfact
that Sir HENRY CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN and
Lord ROSEBERY don't like the same thing.
The minister of a Jersey City church
has invited ladies to attend service without
their hats so that they may worship in
comfort during the hot summer weather.
There is something peculiarly na'ive in
the idea that a lady could " worship in
comfort " without her latest hat.
Last week the Young Abstainers'
Union celebrated its Silver Jubilee. It
is satisfactory to know that the number
of heavy drinkers under seven years of
age is constantly decreasing.
The Primate has been urging the
younger clergy to " take an active part in
the games which the youth of the parish
engage in," and curates playing pitch-
ana-toss in the streets will soon be a
common sight.
An attempt is to be made to put
end to the scandal of half-empty
churches in London by building more.
an
"SAIMCTA SIMPLICITAS."
Child (pausing in front of Grandmother, who is on a visit, to eoniider her carefully).
"GRANNY, WHICH SIDE OF you is THE SOFT SIDE?"
Granny. "WHY, DARLING?"
Child. "BECAUSE MOTHER SATS IF I KEEP on THE SOFT BIDE or GRANNY, PERHAPS SHE'LL
GIVE KB A BICYCLE."
It has been decided radically to re-
organise the Meteorological Office.
There will, we fancy, be little sympathy
for those affected by the changes, seeing
the mess they made of last Derby Day.
A Kensington Gardens Dialogue.
" WE have a new baby at home."
" Did the doctor bring it ? "
" No, he only had an umbrella."
"Then I know where it came from.
The baker's. It says on his cart,
'Fam;i'« Provided.'"
THE new lock at Teddington, recently
opened, must be a patent one, as there
is no quay.
The Young Ides.
Sunday School Teacher (giving lessons
on the Parable of the Good Samaritan).
It says that the Good Samaritan on the
morrow took out two pence. Now why
did he take out two pence ?
Sharp Little Boy. I know, Teacher.
For the Tube.
A CHARMING young lady called GEOOHEOAN
(Whose Christian names are less peoghe-
Will t>e Mrs. KNOLLYS
Very soon at All Ksollys' ;
But the date is at present a veogheg 'un.
"As SURE AS FETES." — Rain.
VOL. OXXVI.
0 0
434
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 22, 1904.
TO AN AFRICAN POTENTATE.
HIGH potentate of Ethiop's burning zone,
Or other regions yet more vaguely known,
Whose temperature — or so the travellers tell —
Closely approximates to that of h — 1 ;
Whose simple sons lead uneventful lives,
Girt with a pleasing plethora of wives,
And only leave their fastnesses to plumb
The deep delights of stove-pipe hats and rum ; —
Blest monarch, whose enlightened laws allot
Contentment to the wistful Hottentot,
WThereof the radiating joy suffuses
His pert but not unlovable papooses ; —
Inform us, Sire, before you really go,
Just how you view our European show ;
Say, is our climate all too keenly felt
By one whose swart yet unresisting pelt
Had never learned the subtle charm that clinga
To what are loosely known as trouserings,
Or ventured out to take the evening air
Draped to distraction in a tightish pair ;
But modestly confined its simple needs
To something natty in the way of beads ;
Or else, like ADAM, previous to the Fall,
Meandered forth with nothing on at all ?
And tell us, did our frigid British dame
Strike you as being just a trifle tame ;
Or were you instantaneously smitten
By her profound resemblance to a kitten ?
And did you lightly, ere you left these shores,
Order a gross or two from Someone's Stores ?
Tell us with what a rising sense of zeal
You viewed our projects for the public weal ;
And all those homely sights so dear to us,
The fleeting splendours of the omnibus,
The British workman, suffering but dumb,
The Stock Exchange's oof-extracting hum,
The Press, the House of Commons, and the Zoo —
What sense of awe did these inspire in you ?
Monarch, I may be wrong, but I suspect
That they misjudged your supple intellect
Who took you round, as current news relates,
To waxwork shows and charitable fetes,
And bade you squander sleepless days and nights
On what are vulgarly described as " sights,"
Hoping to graft upon your native graces
The social virtues of the Western races.
I think your mind, oppressed with cares of state,
Dreamed of departure at an early date
Back to the land where courtesies are few,
And well-bred strangers make a perfect stew ;
That land whose denizens, devoid of vice,
Exhale a pleasant atmosphere of spice ;
Where sportsmen in an ecstasy of glee
Track to his lair the trembling chimpanzee,
Or hurl the flight of well-directed spears
About the hippopotamus his ears ;
The land, in fact, whose artless youth is blest
With an instinctive aptitude for jest ;
Where monarchs live a life of splendid ease,
And always do exactly as they please.
WEAT HAPPENED TO SMITH.— According to the Star, in the
match between Surrey and Cambridge University "MANN
lit SMITH to leg for 4. He then hoisted him to 'long-on
where HOLLAND caught him on the boundary." No wonder
as the Daily Express advertises) SMITH'S weakly.
A MORNING CALL AT THE NEW GALLERY.
THE portrait of Herr JOACHIM, chief of violinists, stands on
an easel all by itself in the North Room. Solus cum solo it
is, and the solo would have been emphatically impressed
upon everyone had Herr JOACHIM appeared in the picture
with his favourite instrument. It has no number, though it
might easily have been number one, and apart from all the
others. None can approach SARGENT in this line, and as this
is true the spectator will be well advised to keep as far off
as possible. Distance lends enchantment to it at present ;
and this portrait of the incomparable violinist only requires
to get the proper time in order to perfect the tone.
In the South Room we have Mr. SARGENT'S portrait of
HENRY W. LUCY, our "TOBY." Excellent. So alert is he,
and so starting out of the frame, as to suggest that a
sufficient and appropriate legend to it might have been
simply " Who said ' Rats ' ? " Why was it not in the Aca-
demy? may be asked by the thoughtless. Why? because
the fit and proper place for so eminent a Parliamentary
Reporter is of course " The Gallery."
Next to attract us is a picture by G. F. WATTS, O.M., R.A.,
of a nude boy who, having attempted to bathe, has been
frightened by the waves. He is, nuda veritas, "the little
vulgar boy" known to all reciters of INGOLDSBY'S poem.
The title might have been " Waif and Waves." But Watts
in a name ? Nothing, except when the name is WATTS, and
then there 's very much.
22. " A Crucial Point," by Sir JAMES D. LINTON. Scene
from a Richardson's Show. Mellow, dramatic.
20. By C. E. HALLE. A very handsome woman with
rather a muff. Not an unusual combination.
23. A picture of still life by Madame DE LA RIVA MDNOZ
represents " Fruits d'Espagne." The fruits of the gardener's
toil collected on the grounds of a " Chateau d'Espagne."
78. Mrs. A. SWYNNERTON shows us a somewhat (painful-
itory)-telling picture. Unhappy mother tanned by son.
71. ARTHUR G. BELL presents " Winter in Gotha." That 's
his advice. Charming old place, we should like to go tha'.
275. All of a twist ! Powerful portrait of a lady in an
agony of hesitation. Notice grip of her left hand on arm
Df chair : likewise how she grasps, with her right, a huge
sealskin muff (or is it a tea-pot ' cosy '), which she is on the
>oint of chucking at the head of someone who has been rude
-o her. Lucky for him that he is not in the picture.
lerein J. E. BLANCHE has shown the subtlety of his art. He
las effaced himself at the critical moment.
Also by same clever artist, a bright portrait of MARIE
TEMPEST. Smiling, piquante. Not a Tempest at all, but a
ight effect after a little storm in a saucer.
226. " Braving the Storm." What a pity that Mr. GEORGE
H. BOUGHTON, R.A., didn't hang this next to the Tempest !
Ars longa vita brevis, but the Picture Galleries do not
eep open after the life of the London season is extinct and
rhen sightseers have re-buried themselves in the country.
so before the Seventeenth Summer Exhibition of the N G
loses, hurry up and see the goods the gods and demi-gods
have provided.
The Young Idea Again.
SCENE— Fourth-Standard room of an Elementary School.
Children reading.
Inspector (to the Teacher). What are they reading about ?
1 eacher. American Indians.
Inspector I will ask them a few questions. (To children)
Vhat is a Red Indian's wife called? (Many hands up.) Tell me
scholar. A squaw, Sir.
Inspector. What is a Red Indian's baby called ? (Silence
t Last a boy volunteers.) Well, my boy ?
Boy. Please, Sir, a squawker !
ITM'II, OR TMK L<>N I 'ON CHAR1VART.— Jwns », 1004.
HYPNOTIC " SUGGESTION."
[A remarkable performance is being given in London, in which a lady is hypnotised. Whilst in a trance she dances to whatever
music ia played to her.]
JUNE 22, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
437
THE HEADS OF THE PEOPLE.
t" The members of the Leeds Physical Cul-
ture Society have entered upon a campaign
against all kinds of head coverings other than
those provided by nature, from the top-hat to
the Panama, and from the bowler to the cap.
At a meeting of the committee held last night
Mr. HARKY KREMNIT/, an engineer by profession,
levelled a strong indictment against hats of all
kiuils, charging them with being the cause of
baldness, grey hairs, and other evils. . . . .Mr.
KREMNITZ has not worn a hat for nearly a
week, and several other gentlemen have pledged
themselves to go bareheaded when not in the
city." — Daily Mall.]
MENACED by the threat of the No-hat
crusade initiated by the Leeds Physical
Culture Society, the captains of the
hat industry convened a great meeting
which was held in the Tete Gallery
last Saturday afternoon. The Mayor
of LUTON (where the straw hats come
from) presided, and amongst those on
the platform were the President of the
Republic of PANAMA, Sir TAM O'SHANTER,
Mr. HAROLD BUSBY, Mr. THOMAS GIBSON-
BOWLER, M.P., Mr. ALFRED CAPPER, the
Caid of FEZ, Sir MAGNUS GLENGARRY, and
Mr. JOSEPH HATTON.
The Mayor of LUTON in opening the
proceedings read several letters from
prominent representatives of the hat
industry and others who were unable
to be present. Count HATZFELDT wrote
from Schloss Tarnhelm to express his
sympathy with the object of the meeting,
and Cardinal RAMPOLLA sent a telegram
from Rome to say that the Curia were
unanimous in opposing the new move-
ment. A hatless Cardinal was even more
unthinkable than a headless horseman.
A letter was also read from Mr. HORACE
GOLDIN, the prestidigitateur, pointing out
that the abolition of the hat would mean
the abolition of the conjurer. (Shame.)
The Mayor then proceeded to explain
tin' motives which had led to the
summoning of the convention. They
were threatened, he said, with a crusade
which if it achieved its nefarious end,
would not only throw thousands of
industrious operatives out of employ-
ment, but expose the entire population
to an epidemic of sunstroke, catarrh, and
a host of cognate maladies. The sanity
of hatters had occasionally been
impugned, but their very existence
was based upon loyalty to the crown.
Mr. CHAMBERLAIN (loud cheers), moreover,
had testified to the fascination of the
illimitable felt. It had been stated, the
Mayor continued, that if people went
about bareheaded their hair would grow
with the luxuriance of a pianist or a
tropical forest. But for his part he
would say that there were some heads
that were past all bearing. The motto
of the Leeds Physical Culture Society
might be, "Keep your hair on"; the
motto of himself and the gentlemen
present would be, " Keep your hats on."
'•
TEACHING THE TEACHER.
New Curate. " Now, BOY, IF, IN DEFIANCE OF THAT NOTICE, I WERE TO BATHE HERE, WHAT DO
YOU SUPPOSE WOULD HAPPEN ? "
Boy. "YOU'D COME OUT A OBEAT LOT DIRTIER THAN roc WENT IN!"
Mr. HAROLD BUSBY, who followed, was
scornful upon balditude. Why, he
said, put this premium upon hirsute
adornment? For himself he would
rather be as bald as a new-laid egg than
have red hair.
[Interruption, during which three red-
headed men were -forcibly ejected.
Resuming, Mr. BDSBY remarked that
many of the most illustrious men living
were bald. Look at Mr. P. F. WARNER,
for example. Look at Mr. WALTER LONG.
The Caid of FEZ, a swarthy gentle-
man suggesting more than a touch of the
tarboosh, was the next speaker. He
strongly denied that headgear led to
baldness. It required, he said, some-
thing more tlian a hatter — mad or
otherwise — to make hair march.
Mr. ABRAHAM LINCOLN, who followed,
asked where would the War Office be if
headgear was abolished? The final
cause of its existence was to devise a
constant succession of new helmets,
438
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Ji;xE 22, 1904.
forage cups, iVc., which, apart from their aesthetic value,
torage caps, sc., wnicu, apart irom tneir astaeuc vaiue,
served as a perpetual red-herring to divert the attention of
the public from matters of graver moment. The nursemaids
of London, whom Mr. CHARLES BOOTH estimated to number
upwards of 250,000, would certainly not tamely submit to
the indignity of being courted by bareheaded Guardsmen,
however curly.
Mr. J. HOLT SCHOOLING, on being provided with a black-
board, drew a series of striking diagrams succinctly visualis-
ing the displacement of labour which would inevitably be
brought about by the discarding of hats, caps, and bonnets.
Physiologically there could be little doubt that the result of
the change would be the arrest of baldness and the postpone-
ment of that failure of the pigment which led to grey hair.
There would therefore be more hair to cut, and he strongly
urged upon all those engaged in the hat trade, if they were
unable to check the new movement, to lose no time in
acquiring a mastery of the scissors and the comb.
Bishop WELLDON desired to associate himself, mutatis
mutandis, with the sentiments expressed in the telegram
from Cardinal RAMPOLLA. It might not always be judicious
to call a spade a spade, but it was impossible to call a
Bishop's hat anything but a shovel.
Mr. JOSEPH HATTON, the last speaker, urged the claims of
the theatre-goer. If head-gear were abolished, how, he
asked, could ladies go to matinees ? (Cheers.)
On everyone present pledging himself to wear his hat on
every possible occasion, and even to sleep in it if that could
be arranged, the meeting broke up.
OUR MR. JABBERJEE IN THE FAR EAST.
x.
In furnished diggings, Seoul, Korea.
May 25, 1904.
As you will perceive from the above superscription, I am
still an involuntary absentee from the arms of Bellona, being
detained here on account of Sho-ji's health.
For I regret to report that my unfortunate saddlehack, so
far from becoming a convalescent, is now lower down than
ever on sick-list, and threatens to decline into the chronical
invalid, being thin as a threadpaper, with a very lofty
temperature, and frequent lapses into total deliriums.
During the entire night I have performed as a vigil by his
couch, applying iced fomentations to his fevered knob, in
constant apprehensions that I was soon to receive his last
kick!
Being hard up as a broken stone, I can perceive no prospect
of affording myself any second mount that will be such a
perfect fit, and must probably put up with some cheap and
nasty substitute !
Unless of course hon'ble Punch (who, according to illustra-
tions, is the somewhat accomplished equestrian on a splendid
cobhorse of phenomenally symmetrical spottishness) should
have sufficient fellow-feelings not to suffer his representative
to make a lamentable exhibition of himself by bestridino- a
mere bone-bag !
It is not to be imagined that I can present myself to
Col. KHAKIMOXO as the straddler of an ordinary ass, especially
as, in these localities, donkey-hire is even dearer than on the
yellow sands of the classiest English watering-places.
Under the above circs it cannot reasonably be expected
that I am to reveal any important Japanese military- move-
ments—which besides are impenetrably masked behind the
nreproof curtain of official censorship.
I am excessively annoyed that the aforesaid Col. K. should
have condescended to send me so much as a single
pictorial postcard to inform me how he is getting on in mv
abser:ce.
However, there may be some very good mi son for such
abnormal secretivcness. For my Russian crony, Major
DROSCHKYVITCH, has been audibly chortling up his sleeves of late
on receipt of private intelligence direct from St. Petersburg,
to the effect that Russian squadrons have at last sailed out
of Port Arthur, and mopped up most of hon'ble Admiral
TOGO'S finest fighting- junks. While simultaneouslv, it
seems, the garrison has sortied out on land-side, and com-
pelled no less than fifteen thousand Japanese advanced
guards to bite the dust before they could shake it off from
their shoes !
I cannot profess any great surprise that they should have
been so severely snubbed, seeing that I have ab initio pre-
dicted some such unfortunate contretemps. For it is
undeniable that the Japanese have been too much addicted
to conversing through their headgear — and Pride is the
proverbial predecessor of some howling tumble !
Wherefore I have hastened to assure Major D. that I am a
sharer in his jubilations, being unable to wholly overcome
racial prejudices against allies, however civilised and up-to-
date, whose complexions are sicklied o'er with the pale cast
of French mustard.
I am also engaged in composition of a congratulatory ode
to Hon'ble KUROPATKIN, so ingeniously worded that, even
should the cat prove after all to have jumped in contrary
direction, my effusion can easily be altered BO as to be fit as
a glove for Hon'ble KDROKI.
Meanwhile I am mixing myself in swaggering Korean
Societies. The other day I officiated as best man for a
juvenile Korean bridegroom who was tying his neck in the
nuptial knot. As in Indian circles, the match was made up
by a professional family Astrologer — here termed a Pan-su —
and I can only trust that he may not tur'n out such an
incompetent old beetlehead as the Dowyboghee who, too
sanguinely, predicted my own matrimonial felicity in two
successive wedlocks !
The Korean bridal procession was preceded by a bearer
carrying a live goosebird, as the emblem of connubial bliss
—which of course afforded me, at wedding-breakfast, the
opportunity for some rather facetious banterings.
It is de rigueur here for a bride to abstain from the least
loquacity, not only during the ceremonials, but for several
subsequent days— an immense improvement upon Hindoo
(and even Christian) etiquettes !
My wedding-present consisted of an order on Punch Office
for a complete set of your instructive periodical from earliest
commencement. Kindly have these bound in best white
vellum, with appropriate gildings, and forward to my
Calcutta residence. Or, if that is to trouble you too far, send
cheque for estimated cost, and I will entrust the job to some
local bookbinder or other.
I have also taken a day off for caymen-hunting. The
cayman, as you are doubtless aware, is the mongrel offspring
Of an Alligator and a Crocodile, and, by the inexorable law
of Heredity, exhibits the worst idiosyncrasies of both its
parents. It is best caught when about to sink into the lap
of Morpheus, being then oppressed with uncontrollable
gapes and yawnings, which make it as easy as a fall from a
log to swim up and surreptitiously insert a doubly-pointed
spike between its open jaws, after which, being unable to
close same, it rapidly fills with water till completely suffocated.
Being the comparative novice at such sports, I was
unfortunately unable to fill my bag with more than one
cayman, though said reptile luckily was of unprecedentedly
elongated proportions. It is now being stuffed up for a
trophy, and I should indubitably forward it per parcel post
tor your kind acceptance, were it not far too bulky a curio to
ngure as a kmcknack even on '-Punch " premises.
I am now to broach a business project which it is quite on
cards that you may be inclined to nill. And yet 1 will
.lisi: i'i', I '.I'll.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
439
OUR JOHN-BULLIONAIRES.
<Sir Clondyke Croesus (to distinguished Frenchman, tcho, with his wife, has been asked to a quiet family dinner). " AH, Mossoo, THERE '&
ONE THING \\E PRIDE OURSELVES ON, THAT YOU FOREIGNERS "AVEN'l GOT, AND THAT IS THE SIMPLE ENGLISH 'OME LIFE ! "
not credit you with too little intelligence to have an optic for
so auriferous a mainchance. All human life is a lottery, and
you cannot expect that you are to pull out a plum if you will
not venture so much as a finger in the lucky-bag !
Now, while I cannot sufficiently deplore the unbridled
corruptitude of Korean officials, it were idle to deny that
their rottenness affords first-class facilities to any go-ahead
speculative who is desirous to make a bit.
I have already informed you of my intimacy with Lady
Hjr, who is sharp as an elderly needle and notoriously up to
every move on the Board of Trade. She has recently com-
municated to me the straight tip that a certain Moon-jiggi, or
Cabinet Wire-puller [En. COM. — Unless ue are misinformed,
a " Moon-jitjtji " is a gate-keeper] has a rather valuable mining
concession for sale, which, being the end of season, he is
ready to part \\ith as the alarming sacrifice. Said mine is
situated in a central position, and contains chiefly coals,
which are guaranteed as infinitely superior to the very best
Welsh Wall-ends. These coals yield rich loads of copper,
and, who 'd have thought it ! such copper, on being analysed
I'.v expert mining-chemists, has been found to be alloyed
with a still more precious metallic wit, gold! of eighteen
carats quality!
Having obtained an interview with the above Moon-jiggi, I
am enabled to testify that the itching in his palm can be
healed with a very moderate expenditure of golden grease.
In short, he has undertaken to procure the Imperial signa-
ture to a concession of worVing rights over said mine for
999 years (which, I venture to predict, Sir, will see the pair
of us out !) for the sum down of yen 5000, and very very
moderate royalties.
Being of course too confirmed an impecunious to provide
even this paltry amount, I have decided to offer you the
opportunity to purchase a pig in the poke that is to
lay truly magnificent golden nest-eggs. I might no doubt
have applied to some wealthy native Indian capitalists, who
would assuredly have jumped at so shiny a bait — but my
filial affection for such a loving Parent as yourself impels me
to offer you first refusal.
You will have no trouble beyond furnishing supplies for
purchasing concession, and bribing Moon-jiggi (which latter
item will not, I should say, greatly exceed yen 500), I to
undertake all jobbery and to join Board after allotment. I
would also see that you are allotted several hundreds of
shares at mere peppercorn prices, which you might order
your Staff of Contributors to purchase from you at par,
1 thereby pocketing the pretty penny. As Chairman, I shall
be pleased to nominate you as one of my Directors — for,
1 though not (Like too many Orientals) inclined to fulsome
flatteries, I am honestly of the opinion that you would make
a rather ornamental guinea-pig.
Well, what is the verdict, Honoured Sir? Am I to be
I cabled a draft on some leading Calcutta Bank for yen 5500
fabout £550) as the sprat to inveigle a handsome and golden
whale into your pocket-hole — or am I not? [En. COM.— You
are not /] H. B. J.
440
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JOKE 22, 1904.
M. BOUDIN IN ENGLAND.
No. IX.
" AHA, so this is Southampton " — it was BOODIN who spoke,
and he pronounced it Sussungton, with the accent on the
first and third syllables, — " This is that devil of Southampton
of which I hear so much. Come, my fine fellow, let us
embark and reach the yacht Petronel. I care not for the
earth any more ; I despise him ; I who speak to you, I will
perhaps dance a hornpipe. I will bo Jack Tar, my friend,
like you other English, who are all Jack Tars from your
birth. Oh, but the sea is not calm at all. You have deceive
me."
By this time we were on the little motor-launch which was
to convey us to the Petronel, and in a few minutes more we
were on board that noble ship and had been welcomed by
our host, the Tightest and tightest and most genial buccaneer
who ever sailed the British seas in luxury and a 400-ton
yacht. Shortly afterwards we sat down to lunch, and in the
meantime the anchor was weighed and away we steamed
towards Cherbourg, where we were to anchor for the night.
After lunch we went up on the bridge. BOUDIN'S get-up,
I must admit, was faultless : his blue serge suit, his yachting-
cap with a white sun-cover, his white shoes with india-rubber
soles — everything about him, in fact, was le dernier cri in
nautical costume, and he was as proud as a child of his
appearance. There was no doubt about it, however : the sea
was rough and the Petronel soon began to pitch and toss in
the most approved style. Still we were all Britons, except
BOUDIN, and, whatever we feared, we were not going to show
our apprehensions — not just yet, at any rate. We were a
party of five, and we were all sitting very comfortably in
deck chairs and smoking various forms of tobacco, BOUDIN
having ventured on a very big cigar.
" Are you a good sailor, BOUDIN ? " said I.
"Ah, as to that, I know not," he replied, "I have served
my one year as a soldier, and as I do not want to serve any
more at all I suppose that I am not a good soldier ; but I
have not been in the inscription maritime, so I have not
given my proofs as a sailor, but I will learn — not so well as
you English, of course, for you are born for a life on the
sea, but as well as I can I will learn what a sailor must
know."
" I don't mean that kind of thing, BOUDIN. I mean are
you ever sea-sick ? "
" Ah, my poor friend "—(when a Frenchman is filled with
pity for himself he always calls you his poor friend)—" Ah,
my poor friend, do not speak of it. I did survive from Calais
to Dover when I begin my visit in England, but that is my
only voyage on the sea. I fear, yes, I fear very much I shall
be sea-sick, for I am a Frenchman, and the Latin races are
110 good for the sea. It is only the Anglo-Saxon who is
always a jolly fellow when the waves are like mountains,"
and he blew out a great cloud of cigar smoke which seemed
to be ^particularly strong and offensive. "Oh, but never
mind," he continued, "you will be kind to your little BOUDIN.
When he agonises with the mal de mer you will help him to
make his testament, and you will sing ' Ride Britannia ' to
him till he render his last sigh."
At this point two members of our party, who had thrown
away their cigarettes some minutes ago, and had become
very pensive and silent, said they thought they would go
below and see about unpacking their things. Our deck-
party was thus reduced to three— our host, BOUDIN and
myself.
" Those poor fellows," said BOUDIN, meditatively. " Why
have they so yellow an air? But perhaps they go below
because they do not wish to triumph over BOUDIN when he
succumb. For if I succumb I succumb here. I stay here
in full air, for if I go below I cannot learn to be a sailor.
And you, my brave Jack Tar, you will not desert me.
Everything I possess je legue a ma mere; take notice of
that. Sapristi, how the wind blow, but courage, mon vieux,
and vogue la galere. I think I like the waves; they are
splendid. Pouf ! what a monster that one was. Come,
why are you so silent ? Sing me — for it is the moment of
moments — sing me one of your British songs of the sea.
What was tliat one I hear mademoiselle your sister sing to
us last week ? Something about
When we jolly sailor-boys are scudding up aloft,
And the landlubbers lying down below, below, below,
And the landlubbers lying down below.
That was the song. Ah, you will not sing him. You get
up. You are offended with BOUDIN. He have put his foot
in, perhaps. N'importe, it is a glorious life on the sea, and
I furiously envy to be a sailor like you English. Ah', you
are going. No, I rest : it is the sea I love "
When I came on deck again as we were entering Cherbourg
harbour, I found BOUDIN as fresh and rosy as when we started.
He had made friends with the captain, a Scotchman, who
described him as " a verra nice gentleman, but a wee wild in
his talk." I quite agree.
AESTHETIC MORALS.
[Vide an article in Harper's Magazine on "Esthetics of the Sky."]
IT is all very well for a poet to tell
Of the lessons that lurk in the skies,
And to bid you cry halt and regard the blue vault
With a pair of poetical eyes :
In the country one may with propriety stray,
With one's gaze fixed intent on a cloud,
And watch its shape change— but it's apt to seem strange
If one does the same thing in a crowd.
I am told it's correct, would you catch the effect
Of a sky as it ought to be caught,
To be bent till your feet and your head nearly meet,
And to gaze through your legs lost in thought.
In a green Surrey lane or on Salisbury Plain
There is no one to laugh at your fad ;
But to play such a prank at St. Paul's or the Bank
Would undoubtedly stamp you as mad.
Common people would think you were given to drink,
And the cabbies would scarce understand
That the thought in your heart was devotion to art
If they saw you stuck fast in the Strand ;
The busmen would laugh and deride you with chaff,
And, instead of respecting your soul,
They would catch you a whack in the small of your back
With the end of the omnibus pole. •
The New Veil.
(Overheard in the Church porch last Sunday.)
Old Man (after watching the Squire's daughter in one of the
new veils). Lor', to think of her having been hiving bees on
a Sunday !
ABSOLUTELY UNIQUE.— The advertisement of Madame PATTI'S
concert at the Albert Hall was headed "The only PATTI
Concert. Quite true : so she is—" The Only PATTI."
LOST, June 9.— Half Persian Cat, Ac.— Morning Post.
Which half is still at home, the half that sings, or the
better half ?
JUNE 22, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
441
MR. PUNCH'S SYMPOSIA.
XVII.— PROFESSOR METCHNIKOFF AXD
PERPKTI \\. YOUTH.
• SCENE — The Summit of Conlston Old
Man.
PRESENT :
Franz Vecsei/ (In the Chair).
Mr. Joseph Chamberlain, M.P.
Mr. Auxtrn Chamberlain, M.P.
Mr. William Younger, M.I'.
Mr. Winston Chun-hill, .I/./'.
Senor Manuel Garcia.
Dr. Deighton.
Mr. Stnnburne.
Several Harmsworths.
Vecsey. It is Professor METCHXIKOFF'S
recent lecture on old age and its cure
that has brought us together. As you
are doubtless aware, old age is merely a
disease, like tennis elbow or anything
else, and all that is needed to remove it
is the discovery of an elixir vitse. We
are met to debate whether a graceful
old age is preferable to perpetual youth.
Glancing round I see several perpetual
youths in our midst.
Mr. Joni'/Ji < 'liiiiiiln'Hiiiii. Very prettily
put.
.1/c. tiiriiilmriir. A delicate and dis-
cerning compliment
Vecsey. Some of us are indeed very
young. Shall we get older or not ?
Several Harmsworths. Never. To grow
old is a confession of failure.
Mr. Winston Churchill.. All the harm
in the world is done by the old. Youth
divines ; age merely knows. Youth
soars upon intuitions ; age crawls among
facts. There will never be anything old
about me.
Mr. Joseph Chamberlain. Except ham.
Mr. Winston Churchill. Eh ?
Mr. Joseph Chamberlain. Except ham.
Mr. Winston Churchill. I fail to
apprehend the point of that remark.
Mr. Joseph Chamberlain. You will
see it soon, when you are a little older.
Vecsey. It is, I think, my duty as
Chairman to point out that Professor
METCHNIKOFF does not promise a per-
petual youthfulness of mind, but of
body. Our minds will grow old, I take
it, as heretofore ; but our bodies will
continue young.
Several Harmswo>-ths. That is rather
serious. Do you mean that we shall in
time become more than twenty-one
years of age, just as if Professor METCH-
XIKOFF had never existed ?
Vecsey. Certainly.
Several Harmsworths. We don't like
that at all. It is impossible to sav
what would happen to the Duih/ Mail
if we were to get old.
Mr. An. tint Chamberlain. It would
probably be sold at twopence, after
July 4.
Several Harmtwortht. It would not
GOOD ADVICE.
Bridget. " WHY, MASTER TOMSTY, WHAT SVSR is THE MATTER ''. "
Tummy. "I'vE HURT MY H-HAND IN THE H-HOT WATER."
Bridget. "SHURE, THIN, IT SERVES TOD RIGHT. You SHOULD HAVE FELT THE WATER BEFORE TOD
PUT YOUR HAND IN ! "
be the same paper. "Youth at the
helm"— that is our motto.
Mr. Joseph Chamberlain. Mottoes
often get out of date. My motto in
1884 was " Free Trade for England."
Dr. Deighton. Our Chairman is quite
right. It is absurd to talk about age
as if it were a matter of years. It is a
matter of feeling — a man is as old as
he feels. No one is old who can walk
as I did from Land's End to John o'
Groats.
Mr. Joseph Chamberlain. Years are
nothing. Look at me. I am univer-
sally acknowledged to be the youngest
Member in the House.
Mr. William Younger. I beg the
Right Honourable gentleman's pardon,
but I am YOUNGER.
Senor Manuel Garcia. Speaking as
one whose hundredth birthday is immi-
nent I may say that age is easily kept
at bay. One simply has to teach sing-
ing. I am explaining the system in my
Manuel for Centenarians, now in the
press.
Mr. Joseph Chamberlain. Do you really
think that teaching singing is as effec-
tive as a feverish political activity ?
Senor Garcia. Certainly.
Mr. Joseph Chamberlain. I must look
into the matter. I may be in need of a
change of occupation in a few months'
time. Since there was a Corn Law
Rhymer, why not a Tariff Troubadour?
Mr. Swinburne. Senor GABCTA'S age
reminds me of a riddle which the Great
Panjandrum of Criticism, my friend
Mr. WATTs-DrxTOx, once made up. Why
is a parcel that has been directed to
the wrong house like a very old man ?
Vecsey. Are we to try to guess it, or
will you enjoy the triumph of supplying
the answer ?
Senor Garcia. Or shall we change the
subject? I remember when I crossed
to America in 1825 —
Mr. Swinburne. The answer is quite
simple — Because it's a sent-in-error 'un.
Mr. Austen Chamberlain. Speaking as
the Chancellor of the Exchequer I must.
strongly protest against the anarchical
• views of Professor METCHNIKOFF. Sup-
! posing he found his elixir vita?, where
would the Death Duties be ?
Mr. Joseph Chamberlain. That would
be all right, my son ; we could put a tax
on living.
Vecsey. I think it is clear from what
Mr. CHAMBERLAIN has said that the
menace of perpetual youth is not likely
to be serious. A graduated income-tax,
rising to five shillings in the pound for
persons above eighty, will surely prevent
most people from indulging in Professor
METCHXIKOFF'S insidious drug.
Mr. Sunnburne. " Songs by a Septua-
genarian swimmer " has an agreeable
assonance, or "Octogenarian Occ. verse."
Senor Garcia. I remember that when I
was at school in Madrid in the year of
Waterloo—
Several Harmmcorths. Bother Water-
loo ! History only began eight years
ago.
Mr. Winston Churchill. By George!
I've just seen what Mr. CHAMBERLAIN
meant when he said that about ham
earlier in our discussion. He meant
Oldham, my constituency.
Mr. Joseph Chamberlain. Bright boy,
that.
CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 22, 1904.
Country Cousin. "Do TOD STOP AT THE CECIL?"
'Bus Driver. "Do I STOP AT THE CECIL! — ON TWEXTY-EIGHT HOB A WEEK!
first, on the S. E. & C.
lines, kid in pleasant
places, how can any-
one, wishing always to
be dans le mouvement
(but not too much of
it aboard ship), do
better than go through
our hop country (Vive
Id danse!) vi& Dover
to Calais (lunch there,
and return), or per
Folkestone to Boulogne
and back (greater faci-
lity here for starting
later in the day, if
simply to cross to
B'long, dine, and back
by next boat contents
you) for the compara-
tively small charge of
a little over a sove-
reign to Calais, and
about half - a - crow n
under that amount to
Boulogne ? If you
have the time, and the
needful, go over on
Saturday to B'logne,
returning Monday
early, or Sunday late,
should Monday be a
working day.
It was, we believe,
Mr. PERCY FITZGERALD
who perpetrated an
amusing account of his
flying Saturday - to -
Monday visits to the
Continent. This
experienced voyageur
bemgan early riser and
undismayed by per-
petual motion, "did"
( 'alais, Ostend, Bruges,
Dunkirk — in fact, a
whole semi-circiiit of
interesting places,
being absent from
London but a few
hours, during which
time he gathered ma-
terials for a series of
Travellers' Tales. To
Brighton, Eastbourne,
and, in earlier spring,
to Bournemouth, are
all delightful short
trips for short purses.
But if it is " a quick
change " you want,
get it in francs al
Boulogne or Calais,
and return strength-
ened by week-end trip,
OTTT-AND-OTJTINGS.
WHAT a lot you may know of the
Continong, at a reasonable price if
only you be an energetic week-ender !
Taking into consideration that you
require no luggage, and that the third-
class carriages by boat-train are as
comfortable, if not as luxurious, as the
EVIDENTLY a very severe-looking set
must be the " Rev. Mr. BENSON'S Cowl-ey
Fathers." To balance this effect is re-
quired a pleasant lot of " Smiley Mothers.'
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.- JUNE 22, 1904.
A MOMENTOUS INTEEVIEW.
KAISER WILHELM. " DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU, UNCLE, AT KIEL. AND NOW, AS THERE ARE
ER CABINET MINISTERS NOR REPORTERS PRESENT, I THINK I MIGHT PERHAPS MENTION
HAT THE SEA IS CALM, AND IT IS SPLENDID WEATHER FOR THE YACHT RACES."
JUNE 22, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
445
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, June 13.
— Mystery has ever brooded over tin-
reasons why GRAHAM MURRAY exchanged
the Lord Advocateship for the post of
Secretary for Scotland. It is true the
latter is the higher rank, carrying with
it a Beat in the Cabinet. But the differ-
ence in the salary is grievous. He had
not been Secretary five minutes when
bang went £3000 a year. To any of us
that would be a serious consideration.
To a Scotcliman it is sheer anguish.
Those who know GRAHAM MURRAY, who
are familiar with his chivalrous nature,
hold proof of his loyalty, understand the
matter quite clearly. In October of last
year PmcE ARTHUR was in a fix that
froze the smile on even his countenance.
The Ministry was breaking up ; vacancies
included the Scotch office, most difficult
to fill. GRAHAM MURRAY was the only man
available. Would he sacrifice £3000
a year on the altar of friendship and
fealty ? He did, earning a fresh claim
on the gratitude of his Party and the
esteem of mankind only partially acknow-
ledged.
That is explanation enough for the
ordinary man. The MEMBER FOR SARK,
nothing if not penetrating, has discovered
another reason. Whilst GRAHAM MURRAY
was still Lord Advocate Mr. CALDWF.M.
fastened upon him with a tenacity tliat
makes the habits of the octopus by com-
parison feeble. For the more convenient
pursuit of his purpose " JIMMY," as
Scotch Members in vain effort to make
light of him say, selected a seat just
behind the Front Opposition Bench,
r
" Loud-voiced, emphatic, voluble. No pause,
no semi-colon, not even a comma."
(Mr. C-ldw-11.)
"C.-B. AT TUB RACES."
Gipsy. " Tell your fortune, pretty gentleman? "
C.-B. "Heavens, no, my good woman ! Anything but that!!"
immediately facing the hapless Lord
Advocate. Standing there, with his
pockets crammed with pirated editions
of music-hall songs, JIMMY could with
and benches. Returning this, Monday,
afternoon, behold ! JIMMY is still on his
legs, wagging his forefinger with pre-
_ cisely the same manner, roaring forth
ease and accuracy wag his forefinger at words at the rate of sixteen to a
the right hon. gentleman. ! dozen. But — and this gives fresh glow
Through eight long years he has done ; to his manner, adds three-quarters of
this. Session after session, in winter j an hour to the length of successive
months or beneath the severity of June j speeches^— there on the Treasury Bench
skies, the Lord Advocate has " sat under "
Mr. CALDWELL. Time came to him when
desire failed, when the grasshopper
became a burden. PRINCE ARTHUR hint-
ing at the vacancy in the post of Minister
for Scotland, all that GRAHAM MURRAY saw
sits the shadow of a former Lord Advo-
cate, now Secretary of State for Scotland.
Not having anything to do with the
Musical Copyright Bill (no sane man
would pirate music written for the
bagpipes), GRAHAM MURRAY on Friday
through blurred eyes was deliverance i for once escaped the toils of JIMMY.
from the Lord Advocate's responsibilities, I To-day Scotch Education Bill is in
which, in their Parliamentary form, were Committee. It is in charge of the
largely composed of being talked at Minister for Scotland, and JIMMY, remem-
by Mr, CALDWELL to the interminable, bering the drawback to his prolonged
threatening, scolding, commanding, in- delight of Friday afternoon, when he
structing, depressing, wagging of an ! made fifteen speeches and talked out
insistent forefinger. the Musical Copyright Bill, makes most
If there be any truth in this reading of opportunity.
of circumstance GRAHAM MURRAY has The Ancient Mariner was merely in-
been doubly done. He has lost his terjectional in his remarks compared
£3000 a year, and Mr. CALDWELL still with JIMMY almost within buttonhole-
pursues him.
These are, indeed, great times for
JIMMY. When, bent on healthful week-
ending, I left the House on Friday after-
noon, June 10, he was on his legs,
talking about musical copyright to an
reach of the ex-Lord Advocate.
The wedding guest sate on a stone,
He cannot chuse but hear ;
And thus spake on that ancyent man,
The bright-eyed Mariners.
It was the Treasury Bench GRAHAM
audience chiefly consisting of the Mace MURRAY sat on, and Mr. CALDWELL, being
446
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 22, 1904.
FIRST IN ; OB, A REVERSION TO EARLY VICTORIAN METHODS.
Mrs. FlsTele, the Bathing Woman. " There, my little men ! It 's not 'alf so bad as you expected, is it, now ; and the others will all be
coming in directly."
[Lords L-nsd-wne and S-lb-rne appear as Vice-Presidents of the new (Josephised) Liberal Unionist Association.]
brought up to the calico-printing busi-
ness, is a mariner only in the sense
that he ever floats on a sea of words.
These are details. On he went, jubilant,
loud-voiced, emphatic, voluble. No
pause, no semi-colon, not even a comma.
And all the while his glittering eye
fixed on the shrunken form of the
suffering Secretary for Scotland.
Business done. — Scotch Education
Bill in Committee.
Tuesday. — Scotch Education Bill again.
Regret to say GRAHAM MURRAY'S finely
mettled, long - trained patience, tem-
porarily broke down under strain. Mr.
CALDWELL having been on for a couple
of hours, C.-B. chancing to look in
made, sotto voce, remark on something
the Secretary was saying about the
system of Eoyal and Police Burghs in
Scotland.
You have seen the familiar "business"
in pantomime at Christmas when the
policeman, called on to restore order in
street riot engineered by the clown,
drops on the smallest, most inoffensive
boy on the outskirts of the crowd, and
triumphantly marches him off to durance
vile. So this afternoon the Secretary
for Scotland and C.-B. The latter ab-
solutely void of offence. Except possibly
in the case of Lord ROSEBERY, ever ready,
even anxious, to efface himself. On him
the Secretary, his soul seared with Mr.
CALDWELL'S vocal pertinacity, turned
with something between a sneer and a
snarl.
"Unlike the right hon. gentleman,"
he said, " I was not at the Races yester-
day."
The retort, it will be observed, lacks
the finish of appositeness. The topic
immediately under discussion was the
pride of port of Scotch Royal Burghs
who would never consent to be repre-
sented by mere modern County Councils.
Where Ascot comes in, with C.-B. on
the Grand Stand, is not at first sight
apparent.
Apart from that there is something
hopelessly incongruous in the idea of
C.-B. in a white hat with a green silk
veil, a field glass slung about his shoul-
ders, totting lip the odds in his book.
Could have occurred only to imagina-
tion heated by extreme vexation. The
charge is one peculiarly calculated to
damage a political adversary. The idea
of the right hon. Member for the Stirling
District going off to Ascot when he had
at hand the alternative joy of sitting
through a June afternoon discussing a
Scotch Education Bill, is difficult for a
kirk elder to realise. But it is so
obviously improper that resentment
would be deeply stirred.
C.-B., perceiving the gravity of the
situation, made haste to deny the im-
peachment.
" I was not at the Races," he said.
" The right hon. gentleman," retorted
the Secretary, " did not come into the
House until the last race was over."
Here is fresh, increasingly disastrous,
proof of the effect upon a powerful
mind of being talked at through two
days by Mr. CALDWEI.L. Long trained in
the Jaws of evidence, in succession
JCXE ?'>, 1904.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
447
NOT WHAT SHE INTENDED.
I/™. (to icife of busy City m-nil. "SD »nn Yor AUK mjiiso TO ns ON TDBRSDAT. I NEED HARni.T SAT HOW PLEASED WE SHALL
BE TO SEE TOUR HUSBAND ALSO, IF IT 13 ONLY TO FETCH YOU iWAY ! "
448
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 22, 1904.
Advocate-Depute, Sheriff of Perthshire, Solicitor-General for
Scotland, and Lord Advocate, GRAHAM MURRAY would instinct-
ively decline to receive as evidence "what the soldier said."
Yet, having brought a baseless charge against the moral
character of a distinguished statesman, he unblushingly
attempted to support it by the syllogism that C.-B., having
reached his place on the Front Opposition bench at an hour
synclironising with the last race at Ascot, argal, he had been
to the Races.
Cream of the joke may perhaps be spooned from the fact
that racing at Ascot did not commence till to-day.
Business done. — The Secretary of State for Scotland
brings unfounded charge against the Right Honourable the
Leader of the Opposition.
FRAMES OF MIND.
[" I declare that the above statement contains a full, just and true
account and return of the if hole of my income from every source what-
soever for the year ending die 5kh day of April, 1905." — Extract from
Income Tax Return form."]
0 MR. SUHVF.YOR of Taxes,
A terrible task you impose !
1 claim some abatement : you ask for a statement
Of details which nobody knows.
My revenue wanes and it waxes
Along with my -varying mood ;
It's mainly a question, I think, of digestion,
And largely depends upon food.
Then how fill up the form ?
My income how foretell ?
How know what cheer the coming year
Is bringing near, with smile or tear ?
0, will my hearth be warm,
My table furnished well ?
Or will my fare be sordid care,
Another weary spell ?
"When late at the Carlton I tarry,
Where riches and luxury reign,
When I sup con amore and trail clouds of glory
Inspired by the best of champagne,
I am then a great playwright — a BAHRIE —
Three plays at a tune on the boards —
The royalties pour in and put more and more in
My purse till it 's fat as a lord's.
When Economy raises her finger
And bids me reluctantly go
To dine for a florin in haunts that are foreign
And doubtful in dingy Soho,
Fair visions no longer will linger,
The future begins to look black ;
I see myself earning with toil and heart-burning
The wage of a newspaper hack.
When, growing more prudent than ever,
On messes of pottage I sup,
Or dine somewhat sparsely on cutlets of parsley,
And drink Adam's ale from my cup ;
When I struggle with frugal endeavour
By " diet " to keep down the bill,
When I feel filled-and-emptied, I'm very much tempted
To send in my income as nil.
Then how fill up the form ?
My income how foretell ?
How know what cheer the coming year
Is bringing near, with smile or tear ?
0, will my hearth be warm,
My table furnished well ?
Or will my fare be sordid care,
Another weary spell ?
A SUNDAY SCHOOL OF ACTING.
IT is never too late to say a good word during any season
for first-rate acting, and this word of praise all round must
be given to the sterling actors who, shoulder to shoulder,
have carried along triumphantly during the season Mr.
" T. RACEWAKD'S " very interesting, but in some respects
faulty, and not strikingly original, play of Sunday
at the Comedy Theatre. The four jolly colonial sandboys
who form a quartette of guardians around the sweet orphan
girl Miss Sunday are clearly reminiscent of the jovial
Bohemian artists who kept watch o'er the life of poor Trilby,
as they themselves, by the way, were with equal certainty
reminiscent of MURGER'S happy-go-lucky Bohemians of Paris.
But into this matter it is not now worth while to enter, as
this comedy has made its mark, and will make its very many
marks, in good English coin, before its present proprietors,
Mr. and Mrs. FRED TERRY, have done with it. Certainly, as
far as acting goes, they are doing uncommonly well with it.
Taken all round it is a perfect cast, the only artist in the
company who is not " fitted down to the ground " is the self-
denying Manager; and yet without him, the play, with
Mrs. FRED TERRY (JULIA NEILSON) in it, would have lacked its
strongest complement. "Which," as the ancient Sairey
might have said, " spelling ' complement ' with an ' i,' " is a
tribute that may be most sincerely paid to the Colonel Brin-
thorpe of Mr. FRED TERRY.
Miss JULIA NEILSON is what "the boys" in the hut call
her, "a dream." The laugh that is born of her sheer light-
ness of heart, and not of head, is delightfully fresh ; and yet
there is danger in it, artistically, a tempting danger : it may
be so very easily overdone, and should it once sound strained,
there is an end of the ingenuousness of this fascinating
character. The part abounds in opportunities, not one of
which Miss NEILSON loses. Her comedy is infectious, her
tragedy overwhelms us. It is a thoroughly good performance.
As the unprincipled Arthur Brinthorpe, a most difficult
part to play, Mr. MALCOLM CHERRY acquits himself admirably.
The character is a double-dyed scoundrel of the most ordi-
nary type of gay Lothario known to the stage, and yet is
Mr. CHERRY'S performance of it absolutely free from all con-
ventionality. When first he is introduced he is above
suspicion, and though lookers-on see most of the game, the
audience is almost as much astonished as is Sunday herself
to find what a scoundrel has been entertained unawares by
the simple, rough and ready brotherhood of the Creek.
Admirable in his solid line is Mr. J. D. BEVERIDGE as
everybody's friend, Tom Oxley, and this must be said equally
of the fine performance of Mr. Louis CALVERT as the rough
and ready Towzer, of the striking characterisation by Mr.
ALFRED BRYDONE of Davy, and of the eccentric comedy tone
given, with so delicately humorous a touch, by Mr. ALFRED
KENDRICK to the kindly but feeble Jacky.
Calm, dignified, and sympathetic is Miss EDYTH OLIVE as
A Nun, who having touched all hearts, disappears after the
First Act, leaving not even her name, as it is not given in the
programme. She is one of those " who come like shadows, so
depart."
And finally Miss BELLA PATEMAN, looking like a superb
Marquise de la vieille roche, yet acting just as the homely,
gracious, and soft-hearted Mrs. Naresby would have done in
real life, completes a singularly effective list of dramatis
personce. At what date Miss JULIA NEILSON and Mr. FRED
TERRY are to take "their Sunday out" (of the bill) is not men-
tioned, but no one who appreciates thoroughly good acting
should lose the chance of seeing this play at the Comedy
Theatre.
^ QUERY: "JOB'S COMFORTER." — Of what material made?
Was it worn twice round the neck ?
22, 1901.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVART.
449
OPERATIC NOTES.
Saturday, June 11.— This evening Faust, with Marguerite
costumed in new fashion. Suggestive of sequence to the
old story, to be entitled Murgwrite; or, The Wrong Redressed.
Maggie "MELBA'S notes on this occasion as sparkling as the
Caruso Radames.
Design for a Twelfth Cake.
real gems in GOUNOD'S effective setting. M. DALMOEES
as Faust, M. RENAUD as Valentin, and JUHN PLANCON in the
skin of Mephisto, all excellent. Mile. HEUAN a nice young
Siebel for a smaller party than Mme. Marguerite MELBA ; and
for the skittish Martha (she ought to have been the vivandiere
of the London Skittish), who better than Mile. BAUERMEISTER ?
Orchestra, MANCIXELLI, and dramatis persona*, all played into
one another's hands artistically.
Monday night. — Aida. Royal Party not 'present, as our
gracious KING and graceful QUEEN are at Eton, giving the boys
a treat, and seeing the ancient " Ten-oar," the Monarch, in-
stead of hearing the more youthful Tenor, Signor CAKUSO.
Brilliant success
in both places. At
Covent Garden, a
really magnificent
performance, musi-
cally, spectacularly
and histrionically.
How delightfully
tuneful and melo-
dramatic it all is !
How overpower-
ingly glittering as
a spectacle belong-
ing to a period
when the ballet,
•"(r?
Aida . . . Mile. Russ. Amonasro . . . Scotti.
King Golliwog and his daughter.
having been omitted
from the menu as
a dish a part, was
being served up as
garnish to the piece
de resistance. The
setting is gorgeous.
The situation at the
end of ActTl. recalls
Void le*' Sabre de
man pere ! Did
Aida, produce'd
after La Grande
Duchesse, borrow
the idea ?
Mile. Russ, her
first appearance in
London, was natur-
ally as nervous as
a Russ in urbe 011
such an occasion
would be ; and if,
at first, not quite up L aitity Miss Elisabeth (Fraulein Selma Kurz),
to her own proper a drawn Bet on first Ascot day, and no better
form, it must be to be found anywhere !
remembered that Aida, being a coloured lady, may be
looked upon as " a dark horse." It is a simple yet powerful
tale, this of the two Golliwogs, pere et fille, King Amonasro
and Princess Aida, his daughter, brought as prisoners to
Egypt by F.-M. Lord Radames-Rolerts, Generalissimo and
hero of the opera, a part magnificently played and sung by
Signor CARUSO, the Conquering Hero with all his forces well
under command. As the wicked
and unhappy Amneris, Mme. KIRKBV
LUNN, freed from mechanism of
Wagnerian wax-works, sang and
acted as one suddenly animated by
the springs of human impulse.
Outwardly fair, with golden hair,
Suggestion for ornamental but morally black, Miss Amneris is
door-knocker for the dis- of a deeper dye than, in appearance,
tinguished Russ,an tenor ifl eyen tfa iri and „,„.
nerr Arena professional • • •&•• f, ^1•r °r ., T. ,
residence. spiring King Golliwog, of the Royal
Pen-wiper Line, — with more in him
of the wicious wiper than the tran-quil pen, — a part played
and sung with fine tragic effect by Signor SCOTTI.
M. PLANCON, stately and solemn as Ramfiz (not a pretty
sounding name, suggestive of sheep's-head), lends the
weight of his authority and sonority to the telling
effect of the concerted pieces and choruses which are so
notable a feature of this veritably grand opera. The " long-
drawn-out " golden trumpets used by the Egyptian Military
Band in the army of
71 Re, M. COTREUIL,
are too well known
for any special note
to be sounded here
on their behalf.
They speak for
themselves in this
scene, which is a
stirring one for ama-
teurs of "Bridge,"
as before them they
have the rare spec-
tacle of any number Radames . . . Caruso.
., .P velf . Wl •>• King Golliwog, the prisoner, artfully pre-
nothmg but trumps tendg *, ^^ i£i£e were another fian
in their hands ! Friday acknowledging the mastership of
The dance of the Robinson Caruso.
Amonasro . . . Scotti.
450
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 22, 1904.
little Golliwogs is as quaint as ever, but we know those
Golliwogs by now. Vociferous caUs over and over again for
everyone, and Signer MANCINELLI mounts to the stage, and
joins hands with the dwellers on the banks of the Nile, the
only free, happy and harmless Nile-ists.
Tuesday, June 14.— The filling of boxes at Ascot rather
empties those at Covcnt Garden of, at least, their haUtues.
But, good house for a first-class performance of Tannhduser,
with SELINA KURZ distinguishing herself as singer and
actress in the character of Elisabeth, though not up to her
tip-top-note Gilda form. Herr VAN DYCK being temporarily
incapacitated— (if it had been Derby Day the malicious
might have insinuated that he was one of the Vans on the
road, but for the fact that no Van goes to Royal Ascot), and
Dr. RICHTER being unable to prescribe for his complaint with
Violetta Melba — costume 1904. Gennont Scotti — costume 1075. •
Ce elier petit enfant Alfred Caruso — costume 1675.
an extra dose of WAGNER, Herr ARENS donned the armour of
the Wandering Minstrel Knight, which fitted him to a nicety.
Wednesday, June 15. — Our Operatic Syndicate is rich in
tenors, and as there 's not a false note among them, that is,
not one that has been detected up to the present time, they
can change them at will. This they have already done, but
to-night no change is given, and La Traviata, being played
with the best of all possible casts as announced, draws an
overflowing house. Madame MELBA, singing perfectly and
doing her very best with the character of the consumptive
Violetta (how deceitful are appearances !), is acclaimed enthu-
siastically. Clever of MELBA to indicate how Violetta can not
be morally responsible for her conduct by showing how,
while all her lady and gentlemen friends, forming the dis-
tinguished and sympathetic chorus, are in the attire that
characterised the period of the second CHARLES, our sweet
Violetta, inspired by a sort of prophetic eccentricity, adopts
present-day costume with a very much up-to-date hat peculiar
to this year of grace and elegance. This is distinctly and
subtly artistic, as a toque would have too markedly empha-
sised the fact of her being un peu toque. But what if the
chorus and all the dramatis personce are wrong and Violetta
MELBA alone is right ? This is not improbable, as the action
of the original novel was placed in " the so-called nineteenth
century." So, after all, Violetta is nearer the truth than
her surroundings. Signer CARUSO is too robusto for the
mawkishly sentimental Alfredo, but he was in splendid voice
and in a remarkably funny costume : grief had evidently
affected his taste and judgment in the matter of clothes.
No matter, all were excellent, especially clever Signer Scorn
(in this, A-Scotti time of racing) as Alfredo's preternaturally
serious papa (with a past— ahem !), known to his familiars as
Old Georgeyl Germont. The mise-en-scene perfect, especially
the Garden Scene : but all the Covent Garden scenes are
noteworthy. A new decor has just been added, as on Dr.
HANS RICHTER has just been conferred the Royal Victorian
Order by His Gracious Music-loving Majesty, King EDWARD.
This gives HANS RICHTER free entrance to all theatres and
opera houses, as he can go where he likes with this Order,
which is, of course, a passe-partout.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
THE reader taking up Garmiseath (BLACKWOOD) and
observing it is written by J. STORER CLOUSTON, will naturally
expect to find echoes of the riotous fun that bubbled round
the career of The Lunatic at Large. Mr. CLOUSTON, however,
establishes his versatility, the two books being wide asunder
as sanity and madness. New ground is broken by placing
the scene in far-off Orkney. It has evidently been sketched
on the spot, and affords material for some excellent descrip-
tions of an inconstant heaven bent over a land bounded by
unrestful waters. There is a fine study of a sturdy Scot
who lends his name to the book. In contrast with him is
the immigrant Southron, whose ancestors, by wiles and wealth,
possessed themselves of Garmiseath's land. To tell how it
is redeemed through the agency of the Odaller's son is the
purpose of a story of sustained interest. My Baronite finds
something a little mechanical in the part played in the drama
by Captain Maitland and his family. But the rugged
character of the old Islander suffices.
My Nautical Retainer desires to commend The Court of
Saeharissa (HEINEMANN), by HUGH SHERINGHAM and NEVILL
MEAKIN. It is the tale of a Company of Gentlemen Adven-
turers who have the pleasant habit of exploring the Home
Counties on Saturday afternoons. Trespassing one day upon
a fair pleasaunce they encounter its charming chatelaine,
who enters at once into the spirit that animates their society,
and gives them entertainment on seven successive excursions.
No actual names occur in the book ; but each of the Adven-
turers has a fanciful title — " The Ambassador," " The Exotic,"
" The Man of Truth," and so forth — with which his character
and conversation accord. From time to time their mutual
badinage is relieved by stories told in the right Boccaccian
manner, in which form of entertainment " The Exotic" bears
the palm, his tales being appropriately coloured with
Oriental diction and sentiment. The presence of Saeharissa,
as an audience, is at once an inspiring force and a restraint
upon excessive ebullience. She shows a very perfect tact in
drawing out their respective gifts ; and it is a tribute to her
impartiality that they should all want to marry her in the
penultimate scene. My Nautical Retainer, while honour-
ably refusing to betray the secret of her choice, considers
that in this rather important matter the authors have done
an injustice to her good taste.
If some of the details of the
book may seem a little otiose,
this is all part of the natural
garrulity proper to this kind
of work. The authors have
not attempted the literary
finesse, sometimes too conscious,
of STEVENSON'S New Arabian
Nights, or Mr. HEWLETT'S New Can-
terbury Tales ; but in their own
easy and unaffected style they
have contrived to give an irre-
sistible attraction to these Am-
brosial Afternoons.
THE
BARON
DE
B.-W
JUNE 29, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
451
ELEMENTARY CLASSICS.
" WHO is tliis Alcestis who lives at Bradford?" inquired
SM.VIA, a.s she turned over the leaves of my engagement
book. " Is he :i nice Mian ?"
" It 's BKAUKIKI.D," I said, "and it's a woman, not a man
A < 1 reek tragedy, you know."
"Yes," said SM.VIA expectantly, "a woman?"
"And she was married to a man a king" (SYLVIA looked
/-/crix,,/! " \\lin was very ill and didn't want to die
" She 7Hi(,s-{ have been a nice woman ! " interposed SYLVIA.
"And the Kates promised to spare his life if someone
could bo found to take his place and die for him, but no
one would, except
" Yes," said SYLVIA, " and I hope the selfish wretch didn't
let her ! How like a man ! Would you let me —
"Don't interrupt, SYLVIA !" I said severely. "As I was
saying, no one could be found to take his place except his
faithful wife, Alcestis, and so she died."
" Not really?" said SYLVIA, with a startled look.
" Yes, really," I said firmly. " Then on the day of her death
another man —
"Ah!" said SYLVIA.
"Another man," I continued, "came to" the house and
heard all about it, and he went and fought with Death —
" How sweet of him ! " said SYLVIA. " I expect he and Al-
Alcestis had had some very nice times together before she
married that hateful king-man ! "
" Not at all !" I said firmly. " In fact it was only for the
king's sake — he was his special friend — that Herakles
fo u.trht with Death at all and won back Alcestis. And so
the king's sorrow was turned into great and unexpected
joy ! " I concluded.
SYLVIA looked at me witheringly.
" Of course," she said, " the man who wrote the story "
(" EURIPIDES was his name, and it was a play, not a story,
SYLVIA ! " I murmured) " had to say that Alcestis and
Herakles didn't know each other. I expect everyone knew
who he meant — people always do guess the real names in
novels, don't they ? — and it wouldn't have done, but of course
she 'd thrown over that nice Heraldes for that hateful king —
no, I don't want to know his name — and it was splendid of
him to fight with Death for her after she'd been so horrid.
That's what men ought to be like ! Now supposing —
But here the maid came in to say that the box had come
from the dressmaker, and SYLVIA vanished, leaving me to
meditate on woman's instinct for understanding the ancients.
Poor old Herakles ! To think I never saw that before !
AT THE OXFORD ENCAENIA.
(From Our Own Very Special. Delayed in Transmission.)
1 1 was a most enjoyable time. I write this after breakfast
or lunch, I forget which, and am in time to catch the post
I H 'tween dinner and supper. I did catch the post, between
the eyes, as I was running to it, and am now suffering from
an optical contusion. Only one eye dotted, but you won't
mind that: of course you won't, as it's not your eye but
mine. Just time to put in some important details.
The Creweian Oration was delivered by a jolly old cock,
a very merry fellow who wins the Chanticleerian Prize.
Mr. SINGER SARGENT, so-called from the tone of his composi-
tions (you are probably acquainted with the songs of this
? if not, you can inquire at any music publishers),
being already an R.A., is now distinguished as a D.C.L.,
' Doosid Clever Lad." You will be glad to hear that
Mr. ANDREW LANG has been appointed D.Litt., meaning Doctor
of Letters. It is a Post Office appointment, and belongs
to the Insufficiently Stamped and Addressed Department.
WHAT IS SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE IS SAUCE FOR THE
GANDER"; OR, OUT IH THE FORTY-FIVE.
Madame. "WHAT BATI Ton BEEN DOINO, FRANK, TO MAKE YOURSELF
SUCH A FRIGHT?"
Frank. " WELL, MY DEAR, TOO SEEM TO HAVE A FANCY FOR DRESSING
UP AS YOUR GRANDMAMMA, so I 'VE LOOKED OUT SOME OF MY GRANDFATHER'S
THISOS, JUST TO BE IN KEEPING."
[" Eighteen-forty-five is the mot d'ordre for this season's fashions.'"
— Lady's Paper.]
Whenever anybody is improperly addressed (whether in
the building or in the street), this official has to interfere,
md, if necessary, to call a policeman to his assistance.
He has also to doctor any letters that are likely to go
wrong. Mr. LANG, as you will see, has arduous duties to
perform as a P.O. official, but it doesn't matter one penny
•jo a man of his stamp.
I haven't got time for more, as I 'm off to a real good Fish
feed at All Soles College. Which meal it is I can't quite
say, being still undecided as to what the last one I had
was, and then, you see, wherever you pop in your phiz
there 's champagne. 0, it 's fine to be an Oxford man !
' Vive V Amour " (which is the motto of the Seidlitz-powder
Professor of Natural Philosophy, Dr. LOVE) — " Cigares et
cognac ! Hoorah ! " and so forth.
Such lovely gowns as the Dons have ! So striking was
one of them that, being somewhat shortsighted, I followed
t all down the High until I came up with it, and then
bund inside it a Chancellor, with no Vice about him,
or some other gorgeously attired academic official. I was
staggered. I apologised. " Reverend and distinguished
3ir," said I, "I was only humbly following in your footsteps."
le was flattered and appeased. And now to finish the day
oyously. I 'm running for a Cup. Hooray ! Wine and
Venus ! It 's all Cup and Gown here ! e ° * Voiei le
Vector / ° 0 ° Yours ever, TOM QUAD.
VOL. oxsvi.
D D
452
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI.
[JUNE 29, 1904.
OUR LAW-GIVERS.
[Mr J REDMOND asked the Prime Minister if he intended to " take
any steps to prevent the House from being permanently reduced to
impotence " by the blocking motions of " obscure individuals. Mr.
UALFOCR replied that it was " impossible to ask one sido to correct its
way of going on unless there was a clear understanding that the other
side would follow a similar process of self-abnegation." He had given
no pledge to reform this state of things, but he had promised to re-
model the procedure connected with the adjournment for the holidays.]
THEY meet, they cackle, they orate,
They bandy jargon, lip for lip,
With shifty tools of sham debate
They hew each other thigh and hip ;
It is Des mots ! des mots ! des mots !
As glorious SARAH says in Hamlet,
But for the net results they show
I wouldn't give a paltry damlet.
This side and that Obstruction sit3
Alternatively, like a rock,
Breaking the turgid flow of wits
With counter-blasts of " Gag ! " and " Block ! "
One cries — " The ship of State's at sea,
You bar her way with reefs of granite ! "
And gets for instant repartee —
" I know we do, but you began it ! "
Big with Napoleonic airs
And beri-beri on the brain,
See REDMOND (J.) conduct affairs
In lofty tones of cool disdain,
Saying, " I ask you, is it just
That individuals should smother
The sacred Truth with obscure dust ? "
And Someone answers, " You 're Another ! "
So the old farce contrives to run,
To what good purpose Heaven knows ;
Nothing attempted, nothing done
Earns them an honest night's repose ;
Until their power of abstract thought,
Their strenuous will, their fine discernment,
Latent till now at last are brought
To bear upon — the next adjournment !
I may be wrong — at times I fear
My soul has been embittered by
Envy of that exalted sphere
Almost, impinging on the sky —
But I have thought, and dare to say,
That we might still escape perdition,
Although the House kept holiday
With never a moment's intermission.
During the short half-year or so
In which it now recruits its nerves,
The planets somehow seem to go
Along their customary curves ;
The globe revolves, and even Town
(Most nearly touched by that estrangement)
Pursues its courses up and down,
Nor suffers any marked derangement.
And, could we safely leave supplies
To AUSTEN'S judgment, I confess
I 'd like a Bill to legalise
A sort of permanent Recess ;
I know of none among them all,
Even the Code of Education,
More calculated to enthrall
The popular imagination ! 0. S.
PILGRIMS AND THEIR PROGRESS.
SOME ten days or so ago, the Pilgrims gave their Second
Annual Dinner to Field-Marshal Earl ROBERTS, and while
entertaining a few selected friends were themselves enter-
tained with some excellent speeches delivered by his Excellency
the American Ambassador, who was at his very best, as, of
course, was everybody on such a generally confraternal
occasion.
The Darling of the Bench, not "of the Gods" at His
Majesty's, delivered himself of some light sentences, and,
casting a sly glance at the Bell of Printing House Square,
expressed his unbounded pleasure at the prospect of soon
being able to purchase the entire Times at the price of a
single journey per Tuppenny Tube.
Mr. GEORGE T. WILSON made a wonderful wandering speech,
strongly advocating the use of the word "However," and
however he managed to repeat, with emphasis and discretion,
some twenty lines of somebody else's poetry, was to all a marvel
and a great delight. " However " he did it, and how every
one enjoyed it, it is needless to record. Amid cheers,
however, he sat down.
The sprightly Secretary, Mr. HARRY E. V. BRITTAIN — name
of best omen at an Anglo-American banquet — read a number
of congratulatory telegrams fresh from the States, which
were received with heartiest applause and chorus of "So say
all of U.S.," and soon afterwards these Pilgrims of Progress
became peripatetic philosophers, and sought their various
temporary abiding places.
FRIENDS IN FRONT.
IT is satisfactory to record the complete success of the
CLEMENT SCOTT Matinee at His Majesty's, to which so many
kind-hearted actors and actresses contributed some of their
very best work. CHARLES WARNER was excellent. LILIAN
BRAITHWAITE and GEORGE ALEXANDER, wonderfully made up,
playing to perfection (which is a very high compliment to
their audience), made a great hit in a short piece that ought
to have a long run. Piquante MARIE TEMPEST sang charm-
ingly ; and Little GEORGIE GROSSMITH was immense. " Gee-
Gee's" cinematograph is a most up-to-date hit, to be reckoned
as among his very happiest efforts. MALCOLM WATSON'S
burglarious effort, illustrated by ARTHUR BOURCHIER, is not
equal to Mr. BROOKFIELD'S Burglar and Judge.
If it can ever be true that there is too little of a fine woman,
then, on this occasion, it might be fairly said of JULIA
NEILSON, who came, sang, conquered, and vanished. Miss
ADA REEVE, with two songs, was at her happiest. Mr. TREE
and company revived our old friend Herod; and Madame
REJANE'S imitations were most amusing.
But the great hit of the afternoon's entertainment, the one
thing that roused the house to an almost unexampled pitch
of excitement, was the reappearance of Sir HENRY IRVING, for
this occasion only, in the part of Corporal Gregory Brewster,
which he plays as no one else can, or ever will. Such an
enthusiastic greeting must have very nearly overcome even
so hardy a veteran as IRVING'S Corporal Brewster. His per-
formance was perfection.
Alas ! Poor CLEMENT SCOTT was not to enjoy for long the
fruit of his friends' affection. Since the above lines were
written, and just as we go to press, we learn, to our very deep
sorrow, the sad news of his death.
FROM the Daventry Express : — " To pooh-pooh the idea of
this country ever being invaded is to follow the example of
the camel, which buries its head in the sand when an enemy
approaches." Surely the author of this apophthegm must
have meant to refer to the ostrich, which, in these circum-
stances, has a habit of putting his eye through a needle.
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454
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 29, 1904.
OUR MR. JABBERJEE IN THE FAR EAST.
XI.
In same furnished diggings, at Seoul, Korea.
As a notorious epicure of horseflesh, you will, Respectable
Sir, be overjoyed by the intelligence that my poor dilapidated
crock, SJio-ji, is at last on the high road to be completely
mended, though still, owing to protracted brainfeverishness,
as weak as gingerbread, and reduced to the status of a
confirmed soporific !
This will, perhaps, explain why I was unable — to the
inexpressible disappointment both of Col. KHAKIMONO and
self — to put in any appearance at the Battle of Kin-chau,
which (according to Japanese authorities) resulted in a rather
overwhelming Russian defeat.
But there is no medal which has not some reverse or other,
and it is advisable to audi alteram partem before constructing
a glorious Summer out of a solitary Swallow; since I am
assured by Major DEOSCHKYVITCH that the said Kin-chau affair
was a simple demonstration of no strategical importance, and
that, even if it is true that Russia has lost seventy-eight
artillery pieces, this was merely the good riddance of bad
Chinese rubbishes which would infallibly have impedimented
any forward movements. Also that Hon'ble KUROPATKIN is
relentless in his determination on no account to commence
hostilities in serious earnestness until the period of the
Russian Kalends.
From which it follows that all so-called Japanese victories
prior to said date can have no real significance. I do not
know whether Hon'ble KDROKI has been duly informed of
this, or whether he is still a resident at No. 1, Fools'
Paradise !
But since it is a sickish wind that cannot wheeze hot and
cold simultaneously, I am profiting by the delay to acquire
greater familiarities in the customs and manners of Quaint
Korea, as I am now to demonstrate. [ED. COM. — Which, we
fear, means that Mr, J. has contrived to procure some more
works on Korea from his circulating library at Calcutta.]
I was recently the delighted recipient of a politely-worded
invite-card desiring the honour of my company at a
"Poetry Party" — a form of social entertainment which I may
perhaps best describe as a Feast out of all reason for flowing
souls, since those bidden must, after over-eating themselves
beyond the verge of repletion, go in for a competition-exam,
as to who shall produce the finest original piece of poetry.
In smart Korean societies it is ban ton not to dress — but
per contram to undress — for dinner, as is also customary (to
at all events a partial extent) amongst upper-ten English
feminines, though, in the latter case, such decollete garbages
cannot be dictated by gluttonous propensities, seeing that
the stomachs of Euiupean fair sexes are too constricted by
tight-lace for even a moderate blow-out.
Such is, however, admittedly the object of disrobings by
Korean dandies, who regard it aa the acme of elegant
gentility for guests to gorge until within an ace of bursting.
Being myself of very so-so carnivorousness, I was literally
flabbergasted to behold the voracity with which the Korean
literary swell-mob did bolt incredible quantities of boiled pork
with rice wine, maccaronic soup, chickens with millet wine,
fowl-eggs, pastries, potatoes, lilybulbs, seaweeds, roast rice,
and sesame and honey puddings, as preparatories for receiv-
ing the divine afflatus !
After which writing materials were handed round — as in
the post-prandial recreations of my former select fellow
boarders at Porticobello House, Ladbroke Hill — and each
individual was expected, however torpid, to compose some
poetical effusion upon any topic he preferred.
As a gallant, I was about to select for my theme the
pulchritude of an imaginary Geisha — but was informed that
this was ultra vires as, in Korea, no female woman is
accounted a deserving object for a sonnet.
And I am compelled to admit that, hitherto, I have not
had the good luck to encounter any Korean feminine who
was not abnormally plain-headed.
Our Amphictryon, a certain highly-accomplished Yang-ban
of the name of HI-FA-LOO-TING, who had rendered himself so
gloriously tight by dint of rice-champagne that he was the
admiration of all present, did hiccough out a rather ludicrous
ode to a Bamboo, of which I append verbatim translation : —
TO HON'BLE BAMBOO-PLANT!
' 0 grass with knotty joints like green shanks of a gouty grasshopper-
What a multitude of useful articles and long-felt wants thou dost
supply !
Thou provides! first-class pipes for Company's waterworks,
Also cheap furnitures for interior of bungalow.
In the form of canes, thou upholdest the steps of toddling seniles,
Or imprintest litera humaniores on haunches of juvenile students !
Excellent art thou when boiled in milk after the fashion of asparagus,
And, preserved in vinegar, thou rnakest a pre-eminently pretty pickle.
Thou containest sugar and honey, both of liighly superior qualities.
But — best of all — beer can be brewed from thee on which it is possible
to become excessively intoxicated !
Glug-glug-glug ! . . . Will somebody kindly pass me the bottle ? "
I cannot conscientiously say that the above composition,
though creditable enough as the work of an inebriate, is at
all up to the standard of an English Poet-Laureate. How-
ever, it was indubitably a masterspiece compared with the
effusions of the other Yang-bans — a very unimaginative
prosaic lot of chaps !
When it came to my own turn, I rendered into English
verse a beautifully pathetic Korean anecdote recording a
phenomenal act of filial devotion. Enclosed please find : —
THE DUTIFUL SON.
" Persistent flies did gamble unappalled
Upon parental cranium— which was bald.
In vain the Aged Parent smacks his knob,
No flies he flattens to a formless blob !
This his Son notes ; his feeling heart goes sore
At shocking sufferings of Progenitor.
Can filial love no stratagem devise
To clear that venerable head of flies ?
He shouts ' Eureka ! ' also ' Hip, hussar ! '
As he perceives some honey in a jar.
And, trusting sweet-stuff is to do the trick,
On his devoted pate he spreads it thick,
Then squats expectant at his Father's side,
Subduing simpers which he scarce can hide . . .
The flies desert the Sire's jejune ca-put,
Finding his Sou's the more alluring nut,
Who smirks sublime — while insects all round Aim buzz —
Circling his saintish noddle like a nimbus ! "
This eloquent impromptu, which I recited vivd voce, evoked
imparagoned enthusiasm amongst the assembled Korean
literary big-pots, who, hurling up their horse-hair chimney-
tiles to the welkin, unanunously demanded that I was to be
awarded first prize.
And — a still more gratifying circ — when, through the
kind officiousness of Lady HM, a copy of the above poetical
effusion was presented to the EMPEEOE, his Majesty was so
inordinately tickled by same that he has conferred upon my
undeserving self the Third Class Order of the Rosy Rabbit !
Unfortunately, before I can be permitted to sport this
decoration on bosom, it is a sine qu& non to shell out to
Court Officials sundry fees, amounting in all to (about)
yen 300.
Since any distinction bestowed on myself must inevitably
be the good stroke of business for Hon'ble Punch, you will
please attend to this matter without delay.
Or, if you will kindly remit me yen 600, it is just on the
cards that I may be able to obtain a Fourth Class Rabbit for
yourself as the celebrated literary character. H. B. J.
JUNE 29, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
455
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FH01I THE DlABY OF TuBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, Juiu' I'd.
— "You know, TOBY, dear boy, the trick
they have of nicknaming a Ministry?
Fancy my first Administration will live
in history as the Tongue-tied Ministry.
Odd how fortune seems to pursue me on
that tack. Last Session I was wholly
unable to say anything in reply to
questions as to Ministerial position in
respect of DON JOHK'S pleasing, agreeable,
convenient plea of fiscal reform. Flatter
myself I did that rather well. The air
of surprised, indignant, pained regret
with which I regarded a Member oppo-
site who put the question was effective,
I thought. My cue was sorrow rather
than anger. Grew to be a little monoto-
nous perhaps at end of third month. But
it served its turn ; carried us through
Session.
" Here we are again on quite a new
tack. ' Our Young Queen and our Old
Constitution' was a political battle-cry
sixty-seven years ago. ' Their New Tack
and My Old Tactics ' is my motto to-day.
What they are now curious about is
when ARNOLD-FORSTER will make a state-
ment on War Office reform? As you
know, thinking we 'd patched up li ttle
Cabinet difference, I named last Thurs-
day as the happy day. Thereupon all the
fat in the fire. No Cabinet secrets, even
to you, dear boy. But, to tell the truth,
"TiiE Tmm.-AL PIG."
(As reared by the Irish Board of Agriculture.)
Mr. F-rr-1 said, " These jiigs were only fitted
coursing match. They tjrew if,]! and
for
thin, and the people were tired of feeding
them."
Our artist fancies IK- knows another Irish
pig <>f a lean and hungry order that the British
people are rather tired of feeding— with legis-
lation.
1
If
LABBT AND LITTLE ENGLAND.
Mr. liobouchere. " That 's right, my boy ! That 's the way to improve your physique,
all the nation were like you we should have no more wars."
(Mr. L-b-ch-re said he was always glad to see a poor child smoking cigarettes. Not only
was he preparing for himself a happy old age, but he was not likely to swell the list of the
criminal classes. When carried away by his passions, instead of avenging himself on someone,
he simply smoked a cigarette and it all went off.)
and I have mentioned it in the Commons,
I really can't at this moment say any-
thing on the subject.
" That quite enough for fellows oppo-
site. Instantly off in full hue and cry.
Wanting to know, you know. For all
reply I say I don't know. Curious
position I admit for a Premier still
master of legion majority in Commons.
But it can't be helped, and what can't
be helped must be smiled at."
Thus PRINCE ARTHUR on the situation,
which is certainly complicated. House
in Committee on Budget involving
colossal expenditure. But it is the lobby,
the smoking-room, the Terrace, that are
centres of business.
Wherever two or three are met together
there is Rumour in the midst of them.
All about scheme of Army Reform,
recommended by Esher Committee.
Report was a swingeing slap in the face
for Army administration as exempli fied in
Transvaal War. ARNOLD-FORSTER having
succeeded BRODRICK in Pall Mall made
haste to accept Report, embodying grave
vote of censure on his predecessors.
Tune was when upon such indictment
a Minister would have been haled forth
and shot. Not likely that LANSDOWNE
and BRODRICK will take the impeachment
lying down. Have turned at bay, so
Rumour aforesaid reports, and bar the
progress of the proposed revolution in
Army administration recommended by
the Esher Report.
Someone must resign, it is said. Who ?
and what then ? To have an occasional
reconstruction of a Cabinet, say once
in twelve months, may be possible.
But, really, two in eight months is more
than even PRINCE ARTHUR'S light-hearted-
ness can accomplish without inal disaster.
On the top of turmoil comes news
450
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 29, 1904.
from Devonport that on the heaviest
poll ever taken Ministerial candidate,
fighting under exceptionably favourabl
personal conditions, has been beaten by
the biggest majority in the Borough's
record. No wonder that when at mid-
night WINSTON CHURCHIIJ, wanted to
move to report progress in Committee
on Budget Bill, PRINCE ARTHUR (in
parliamentary sense of course) nearly
snapped his head off.
"The fact," he said, "that the hon.
Member is desirous of speaking delibe-
rately against his own convictions is no
ground for the House adjourning at thi;
untimely hour."
Business done. — Alarums, excursions
and, incidentally, Budget Bill slowly
pushed through Committee by force
of closure. Nature of the alarum:
indicated above. Excursions made by
Duke of BEDFORD with Government
Whips hot foot in pursuit. Last week
His Grace handed in notice of desire
to call attention to Eeport of War Office
Reconstitution Committee and ask for
information.
There you are again. Information !
Thirst for it is the touch of nature that
makes Lords and Commons kin. Nothing
could be more awkward than debate
on subject at present moment. So
Duke, hunted out from successive lairs,
finally caught up and induced stealthily
to withdraw from the premises. Accord-
ingly, when in due course his motion
was reached, lo, the Duke was not, and
the inconvenient question was passed
over.
What a night we are having, to be
sure!
Tuesday. — Yet once more, oh ye laurels,
ind once more, ye myrtles brown, is
brought home to us the necessity of further
reform of procedure. When House re-
sumed sitting at nine o'clock it was
obvious Ministers were in a minority.
Attitude of Opposition instantly changed.
Through afternoon they had been pain-
fully insistent upon thrashing out a
question before going to a division.
Even when patience was exhausted
and closure threatened or actually in-
voked, they strolled forth at the leisurely
pace in favour with COUSIN HUGH when
lie "loitered in the Lobby" in final
effort to defeat the Deceased Wife's
Sister's Bill.
Now, eager above all things for the
despatch of business, the Opposition
lamour for a division. But ACLAND
HOOD — on this hot summer night more
vividly than ever recalling the Pink 'Un
— is on guard, and the schemers opposite
are defeated. Thing to do is start talk,
teep it going till lingerers at distant
dinner tables come back to post of duty.
In these crises FITZALAN HOPE and
BANBURY are invaluable. The fact that
they have nothing to say is no impedi-
ment to speech. To-night FITZALAN HOPE,
with one eye on the clock and the other
on the door at which the Pink 'Un from
time to time looked in and counted heads,
talked for forty minutes. RICHARDS, K.C.,
producing imaginary brief, put in twenty
minutes, in course of which he proposed
alluring programme on which the
Government might go to a grateful
country. Free Breakfast Table; Old
Age Pensions ; Free Drinks.
"That'll fetch 'em," said the K.C.
smacking his lips and dreamily regard-
ing the impatient Opposition shouting
for a division.
"THE PINK 'UN
" From time to time looked in and counted
heads."
(Sir Al-x-nd-r Acl-nd-H-d.)
Twenty minutes past ten, and parties
so evenly balanced as to make division
still risky. Then the Pink 'Un brought
up his reserves. BANBDRY took the cake
—I mean the floor. A howl of despair
went_ up from Opposition. Minis-
terialists, summoned by telephone and
special messengers, beginning to stream
'-. BANBUEY safe for an hour if neces-
sary. Ten minutes sufficed. The
citadel was saved. Not for the first time
in history had cackling done it.
Returning to table after division the
Pink 'Un, palpitating but triumphant,
announced a majority of forty-six.
But why all this trouble ? Why not
fill up the interval with music or a game
of _ Bridge, or interchange of those free
drinks over which RICHARDS, K.C., just
now smacked anticipatory lips? Here
was an hour and a half absolutely
wasted. It must have sped in any case.
The interval might just as well be
pleasantly passed as be devoted to the
manufacture of sham speeches delivered
amid persistent uproar.
Business done. — Budget Bill in Com-
mittee. An hour and a half being
wasted after dinner regained by sitting
after midnight.
Wednesday. — Important question sud-
denly sprung on House. Had CHARLES
JAMES MURRAY, Member for Coventry,
his mind " when he
motion relating to the
of Chinese labour to
in
in a
beri-beri
handed
transportation
South Africa ?
It was WINSTON CHURCHILL who put
the question and insisted on an answer.
(Perhaps it should be said that beri-beri
is not a species of coffee, subject to
taxation by an impecunious Chancellor
of the Exchequer. It is a form of
indisposition, and there was in the
Member for Oldham's voice a note of
commiseration as he turned upon the
Member for Coventry and pressed his
enquiry.) In the interests of public busi-
ness it would perhaps have been better
if Mr. MURRAY had, so to speak, made
a clean breast of it. Brought up in the
Diplomatic service, working early and
late at the Foreign Office — that" is to
say, he arrived late and left early —
sometime attache at Rome, later serving
his country at St. Petersburg, he is
habitually prone to reticence. He sat
stubbornly silent, preserving the secret
whether at a particular moment he had
or had not " beri-beri in his mind."
Consequences calamitous. Dr.HuTCHiN-
SON, taking a professional interest in the
case, wanted to move the adjournment
in order to discuss it as a matter of
urgent public importance. DEPUTY
SPEAKER declined to submit proposal.
HUTCHINSON waved his arms in despair.
WINSTON jumped up and down on the
bench in fashion which recalled gym-
nastic exercise of SWIFT MACNEILL. In
the absence of C.-B., REDMOND nine took
the lead of the Opposition, sternly cross-
examining PRINCE ARTHUR.
Above the uproar Dr. HUTCHINSON
could be heard shouting, " Twenty-four
hours will make all the difference."
At this ominous remark, carrying with
it the weight of professional reputation,
CHARLES JAMES MURRAY was observed to
go pale. Was it as bad as that ? Could
it be possible that within twenty-four
hours there might be a vacancy at
Coventry ? Still lie said nothing, nursing
his secret with set lips, and arms folded
across a manly chest in which, for all
others knew, the seeds of beri-beri might
at that moment be germinating.
Clamour still at height when Mr.
LOWTHER, on double duty to-day, slipped
out of Chair where lie had presided as
Deputy Speaker, seated himself at the
Table and cried " Order ! Order ! " in
his new capacity as Chairman of Ways
and Means. Dr. HUTCHINSON flapped his
JUNE 29, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
457
arms once or twice. But it was merely
the impetus of earlier exertion. WIN-
STON CHURCHILL jumped up once more.
The action also was automatic. The
House, finding itself in Committee, sub-
sided.
The Member for Coventry seized the
opportunity to withdraw, carrying with
him to the seclusion of the Library the
secret whether, when he banded in his
blocking motion, he had (or suspected
he had) symptoms of " beri-beri in his
mind."
Business done. — Still harping on the
Budget.
CHARIVARIA.
IT is at last possible to record a
genuine Russian success on land. A
party of Cossacks fired two volleys at
some workmen at Warsaw during a
riot, and killed one.
Among those who accuse the Japanese
of outrages on the Russian wounded
appears the name of the novelist
NEMIROVITCH DANTCHENKO, whose imagina-
tive works are deservedly popular among
his countrymen.
The Russians have been much en-
couraged by a report that in the Ameri-
can State of Washington a crawling
army of caterpillars has done enormous
damage,
Everyone was sorry for Japan when
she lost two transports the other day,
but we think the British Navy carried
its sympathy too far when the Span-oir-
liniri; promptly committed suicide on
a rock at the mouth of the Yangtse
Kiang.
The London Naval Volunteers, under
the Hon. RUPERT Gi INNIX, have now
formally taken over H.M.S. Buzzard.
They would like it to be known that
they intend to take their duties seriously,
in spite of the fact that the names of the
ship and her commander are strongly
suggestive of cakes and ale.
R.usiu.i, (hp Moroccan brigand, chose
the Daily Mail as the means of com-
municating his defence to the British
Public ; but we understand that a packet
of circulars relating to a more expensive
paper has now been sent to him.
Among the prizes given by the Leices-
tershire Agricultural Society was one to
the carter who had worked longest with-
out returning home intoxicated while in
charge of his team. Much as we dislike
brag, we cannot resist pointing out that
England is the only country in the
world where such prizes are offered.
CANDOUR.
Artist (at work). "Now GIVE HE YOUR HONEST OPINION OF THIS PICTURE."
Visitor (who fancies himself a critic). " IT 's UTTERLY WORTHLESS ! "
Artist (dreamily). " YE-E-S — BUT GIVE IT ALL THE SAME."
Disappointment is in store for any
politicians who purchase The Crossing,
by WINSTON CHURCHILL, the American
Novelist, in the hope of finding an ex-
S'ahation why a certain distinguished
.P. of the same name went over to
the other side of the House.
The SHAH'S brother has fled to Turkey
for protection, and the SULTAN has ad-
vised him to be a sensible fellow and
return to Persia to be killed.
A train at Greenore last week dashed
into the refreshment room of the local
station. We understand that a serious
accident was only prevented by the buns
wli ii-h successfully acted as buffers.
A propos of the enquiry into the
administration of the Chantrey Bequest
Sir E. J. POYNTER has declared that the
Royal Academy has always done its best
to uphold the honour and position of
British Art. One was hoping for its
own sake that it had not done quite its
best.
A by-law forbids the entry of children
under eight years of age to the Wallace
Gallery. It is characteristic of the Royal
Academy that at that institution there is
no such protection for our little ones.
JOHN TRUNDLEY, of Peckham, denies
all responsibility for the recent shock of
earthquake in the Midlands.
458
PUNCi:, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 29, 1904.
MR. PUNCH'S SYMPOSIA.
XVHI— SHOULD CATS BE TAXED?
SCENE — Kilkenny Castle.
PRESENT:
Mr. Justice Grantliam (in the Chair).
Tlie Editor of tlie " Spectator."
The Editor of the "Lancet."
Mr. Harry Kremnitz.
Mr. Louis Wain.
Mr. PloiKclcn.
Mr. James Caldwcll, M.P.
The Bishop of Sodor and Man.
Mr. Jamrach.
Mr. F. G. Kitton.
Mr. Justice Grantham. It is with great
pleasure tliat I have acceded to the
request that I should occupy the Chair
on this interesting occasion. The sub-
ject is a delicate one, and needs a
judicial and dispassionate mind, which,
as one of His Majesty's judges, I am
professionally bound to possess. I trust
therefore that the distinguished gentle-
men present will conduct the controversy
in a manner worthy of the traditions of
English fair play and moderation. For
my own part I have no hesitation in
saying that if I had my way I should
exterminate every single cat in Great
Britain and Ireland.
Editor of the " Spectator." And every
married cat, too, may I ask ?
Mr. Justice Grantham. I used the
word " single " as an adjective of
number, not of celibacy.
Editor of the " Spectator." I beg par-
don. The correspondence can now cease.
Editor of the " Lancet." If I may be
allowed to remind our Chairman, it is
not the extermination but the taxation
of cats which we are met to discuss.
Mr. Justice Grantham. Quite so. I
was just coming to that. Ought cats to
be taxed ? Speaking then without the
least animus or prejudice I should say
that every cat should be taxed to the hilt.
Mr. Plowden. I agree with my brother
GRANTHAM. Every cat has nine lives :
why, therefore, should it not pay nine
taxes ?
Bislwp of Sodor and Man. The CHAN-
CELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER would no doubt
hail this arrangement, but as a loyal
Manxman I should be content with the
rule, one tail one tax.
Mr. James Caldwell. Representing as
he does an island from which so many
tales come, and all of them so far-
reaching and unparalleled, I think his
Lordship very moderate.
Editor of the "Spectator." I regret to
note not merely the inhumanity, but the
unsound fiscal bias, of the previous
speakers. Nominally advocated as a
means of raising revenue, the cat tax is,
I believe, promoted to protect the mouse-
trap makers and cheesemongers.
Mr. Jamrach. The higher journalism
would not alone suffer by this nefarious
proposal. If you tax cats, logic would
compel you to include the whole class of
felidce.
Mr. Justice Grantham. I never thought
of that. Now that I come to think of it,
apes, chimpanzees, gorillas and baboons
ought to be taxed before cats. This is
really a most perplexing subject.
Mr. Plowden. But only, I presume,
when living. Brother GRANTHAM surely
would not tax taxidermy ? My late
colleague, Lord BRAMPTON, then Mr.
Justice HAWKINS (it was before he rose
to fame as the uncle of Mr. ANPHONY
HOPE), used always to keep his fox
terrier under the Bench. I tremble to
think of the subversion of justice which
might result at Marylebone were I to
permit a cat to occupy a similar position.
Bishop of Sodor and Man. And yet I
have no doubt you could make a cat
laugh.
Mr. Plowden. Not always. I remem-
ber a venturesome tabby, greatly daring,
who once strolled in during a morning
sitting. I tried all my best things on
her without effect. I raked her fore
and aft with facetiae, and she took no j
notice. It was subsequently I discovered
that she belonged to Mr. Justice DARLING.
Mr. Jamrach. I see ; her standard of
humour was different.
Mr. Ploivdcn. Precisely. But no one
who does not laugh easily is encouraged
to remain in my Court.
Mr. Harry Kremnitz. So far as I can
understand, the conversation is being
directed against cats. I came here as a
delegate of the Leeds Physical Culture
Society, under the impression that a tax
on hats was to be discussed. Is it hats
or cats ?
Chorus. Cats.
Mr. Harry Kremnitz. Thank you.
Then I will return to Leeds. But first
I should like to say a few words about
the insanitary effect of wearing hats.
Hats —
Bishop of Sodor and Man. At what
age would the tax begin? Would it
extend to kittens ?
Mr. F. G. Kitton. I have a cat named
Boz, the imposition of a tax upon whom
I should resist tooth and nail.
Editor of the " Spectator." Might not
the tax be reserved only for cats with
musical ambitions ? A silent cat, a cat
averse from night duty — ought not he
to be immune ?
Mr. Justice Grantham. The last
speaker's plea does credit to his
humanity. But how it would open the
door_ to perjury ! I can conceive of
nothing on earth so base, so obnoxious
to the august monarch of this Empire,
as a cat-owner who, for the sake of
saving a few paltry shillings, pro-
nounced his pet grimalkin mute when
it was vocal.
Editor of the "Spectator." Might not
then a cat who figured in an article or
letter in the superior weekly press be
exempted from paying a tax evermore —
just as jurymen on a Grand Jury are
thereafter free ? I cannot bear to think
of all cats being treated equally.
Editor of the " Lancet." Every cat
should be taxed, and that rigorously.
The cat is one of the busiest of the
media for conveying disease to man. It
is the Carter-Paterson of microbes, the
Pickford of bacilli. I never see a child
fondle a cat but I see also in fancy a
dozen funeral processions.
Bishop of Sodor and Man. You seem
to have a cheerful mind. I should like
to go to the Cat Show with you on a
wet day.
Mr. Justice Grantham. What sum is
the proposed impost likely to bring
in?
Mr. James Caldwell. I have worked
out the matter with the assistance of Sir
ROBERT GIFFEN, and we find that the feline
population of Great Britain and Ireland
at this moment is twenty-three million.
To-morrow it may be more. A poll tax
of, say —
Mr. Plowden. Are pole-cats also to be
taxed then ?
Mr. James Caldwell. A poll tax of,
say, only a shilling a year, would yield
a sum of £1,150,000. No doubt the
CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER could do
with that. But it is proposed that the
tax should be higher than a shilling.
Mr. Justice Grantham. Do I under-
stand that, if it were only high enough,
it might pay off the National Debt ?
Mr. James Caldwell. Certainly.
Mr. Justice Grantham. How very in-
teresting ! Then I think that in that
case there cannot be two opinions, and
we may consider the matter carried.
[Exeunt.
A FRESH START.— The French Carthu-
sian monks, to whom all purchasers of
green and yellow Chartreuse, who have
not yet paid their bills, must be deeply
indebted, being now disbanded, are
hoping to keep up their spirits by
practising a new and profitable industry.
They have become automobilised as a
company for the construction of electric
vehicles, and will be reorganised as
Motor-Carthusians. Religious and other
Orders punctually attended to.
A STARTLER! — Those excellent and
severely religious persons who are per-
petually preaching or writing about the
Millennium must have received a severe
shock on seeing in the largest type the
recent heading of the "Times Bargains"
advertisement, which ran thus : " Before
the Last Day Comes be sure that you
Understand the Offer."
JUNE 29, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
459
REAL FAIRY TALES.
THE PRODIGY AT HOME.
(With acknowledgments to the "I)aily( 'h rnnielr. ." >
THE young Bessarabian violinist,
BOLESLAS BILOER, whose capture by
Carpathian condattterl we noted in a
recent issue, is now in London, and has
secured a temporary domicile in a bijou
residence at Peckham Rye.
In the course of audience graciously
granted to one of our representatives
he stated that he might remain in
London until the middle of the next
week, when he is due at Potsdam.
" The KAISER," lisped young BOLESLAS,
who speaks ten languages with the
utmost fluidity, " takes the deepest
interest in my career."
"Not only that," chimed in his singu-
larly beautiful mother, Madame ARIADNE
BILGER, " but he writes to him almost
everyday in Bessarabian to know how
he is getting on." Here Madame BILGER
opened a richly embossed perdoneum
and produced one of the latest letters
of the KAISER to his protege.
Unfortunately, at the urgent and
peremptory request of Lord LANSDOWNE,
we are forbidden to reprint this priceless
document, which opens with the touch-
ing exordium, "From the Admiral of
the Atlantic to the Apollo of the Balkans."
" Is it not kind of the KAISER to write
like that? " remarked young BILGER, his
lovely eyes brimming over with trans-
lucent teardrops. " He knows my life's
history : that I have already eclipsed
my illustrious father, ERASMUS BILGER ;
that I was the favourite pupil of LISZT,
RUBINSTEIN, SOUSA and STEPHEN ADAMS,
and subsequently studied at the Tokio
Conservatoire under YAMAGATA, NODZU
and Colonel OCOBO. But I hate to talk
of myself."
Alter a brief interval the Wunderkind
resumed, " I commenced playing in
public four years ago, and have since
visited Bosnia, Herzegovina, Circassia,
Carlsbad, South Carolina, Llamludno,
Blackpool, and Nova Zembla.
"At Constantinople I had to play
before the SULTAN. I appeared in a
theatre attached to the harem."
Madame BILGER here hastily inter-
rupted : " The SULTAN would not of
course permit an adult virtuoso to play
there, but made an exception in favour
of baby BOLESLAS, who could not under-
stand the nature of his audience. The
SULTAN sat in the centre, with his two
youngest sons. BULBIL and KABOB, and
round them sat his Majesty's wives and
daughters. I learned subsequently that
there were I'S.'i \vivo and 214 datighters."
"Yes," added her son, "and when I
broke a string, the SrLTAN kindly obliged
me with a bowstring of his own. Wasn't
it kind of him ? "
"BOLEBLAS," roiiuiril his mother.
THE INFERENCE.
Giles (itiho Itas ~been rendering "first aid" to wrecked motor-cyclist). "NAW, MABM, I DOAN'T
THINK A8 'E BE A HARRIED MAN, "COS *E SATS THIS BE THE WORST THING WOT 'AS EVER *APPENED
TO UN ! "
" played for nearly two hours, mostly
his own compositions. Afterwards
several richly caparisoned djinns handed
round bottles of sherbet and narghile's,
of which BOLESLAS partook with avidity.
The SULTAN then communicated with his ,
Grand Vizier, who presented my son i
with the Order of the Yenidj6 and a '
chest filled with gold.
" We then left the palace, and were
escorted to our hotel by a squadron of
hamals mounted on camels. Unfortu- '
nately that very night the chest of gold
was stolen, and when we informed the
SULTAN of our loss next day, we were
officially notified that he was suffering
from mumps, induced by the news of i
an outbreak of Kurds."
At this moment a, telegram was
handed to Madame BILGER containing
the gratifying announcement that her
son had been appointed Court violinist
to the Emperor MENELEK, and our
representative, not wishing to intrude
further at so auspicious a moment, tact-
fully withdrew on all fours.
THE Liverpool Echo, describing the
triumph of M. THERY, winner of the
Gordon-Bennett Cup; says: "He stopped
before the Royal box, and M. BRASIER
shook him warmly by the hand, while
his wife, Carom Populo, rushed up and
embraced her grimy but victorious
husband." Mr. Punch does not know
whether Madame THERY is a writer or
an actress, but he strongly felicitates her
on her clever choice of a nom de guerre.
A HORRIBLE rumour is afloat to the
effect that the giants are not all extinct.
But the following advertisement, culled
from a horticultural journal, is reas-
suring, and shows that a remedy for
these pests is easily obtainable :
Hardy Dwarfs, Is. 3d.
Quick Cumbers, Is. 6d.
It should be of particular interest to
growers — in a large way — of Beanstalks.
IF " the law's an ass," we may at least
congratulate the Bench on its new BRAY.
460
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 29, 1904.
w
Fair Sitter (to exhausted photographer). " SHALL I SMILE ? "
LINES TO THE BACK OF MY HEAD.
MY Self's part-creature, whose eccentric shape,
Making thy lord a public raree-show,
L>oth ride my hitherto unconscious nape,
Plain to all eyes save mine ; to whom I owe
The consequence— more galling than a blow—
Of ribald gesture and unfettered jape
That marks our passage wheresoe'er we go ;
Back of my Head, to-day I looked on thee,
And am resigned to Fate's inscrutable decree.
'Tis sad to hear the personal remark
Rising distinctly o'er the social hum ;
'Tis sad to see the mirth-enkindled spark
In eyes that always brighten when we come ;
Sad to be conscious of the gibing thumb,
Yet find the cause thereof profoundly dark ;
To move 'mid waggish coteries, where some,
With contumelious fluttering of the lid,
Ask, " Did you ever ? " or reply, " They never did ! '
Oft have I cast an apprehensive glance
Into some friendly mirror standing by,
Fearing that by some tragical mischance
I might have come away without my tie ;
^ Yet was my habit formal to the eye.
True, I am something strange of countenance,
But there are others even more awry ;
My contour— there are others far more fat ;
I knew not what those lunatics were laughing at !
And it has been that men have called me proud,
For I have tamed my features to a stare
Of lofty tolerance, and spurned the crowd
With the unruffled camel's, tranquil air
Of one superior, who doesn't care !
They knew not that my spirit cried aloud
To beg the stronger kindly to forbear ;
To bid the small be careful what he said ;
And, with a brave man's wrath, to punch the weakling's
head.
To-day I tarried for a fleeting space
Where my confiding tailor plies his craft ;
I met my mirrored double face to face,
(How strange !) I saw him sideways and abaft !
And, for the coolness of the genial draught,
Had cast my topper from his wonted place ;
And then, 0 clear as tho' 'twere photographed,
Thou crusher of a good man's sturdy pride,
I saw thy multiple aspect, and was petrified !
I have no will to hold thee up to scorn,
Nor power to say : No more be Head of mine !
Thou art my burden, and must needs be borne.
But I go humbly, and henceforth decline
All indoor fetes ; I shall not dance or dine ;
I shall go nowhere save when hats are worn !
Nay, further,— be the blame accounted thine,
Thou Object !— lest the worshipper should scoff,
I, with extreme regret, shall take to Sunday Golf !
CURIOUS GROUNDS FOR AS ECCLESIASTICAL INTRODUCTION —It
was stated in Court the other day that any defendant in a
i B°sho ^6 rendered himself " eli^ble for presentation to
'
O
P
z
s
X
e
JUOT 29, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
463
OPERATIC NOTES.
Monday, June 20.— First night of new opera by M. SAINT
SAENS, on a very old subject entitled Ili'lhte. In justice to
the composer and the librettist, two single gentlenpsn rolled
into one, in tho person of M. SAINT-SAKXS, ii mn.-t he at once
slated that tins work is described in the programme as
Miss Regents-Parkina-Venus, surrounded by the pupils of her mixed
educational establishment taking tho air, tells Hdlene-Melba that, to
complete her education, she must go to Paris.
"Poeme Lyrique in Six Tableaux," which may be regarded
as a pro-grammatical translation of "Poeme Ijyrique en un
AI-II-," as it is styled on the cover of the published book.
l'r<jt>, ai) opera of dramatic action was not to be expected,
nor must it be criticised as such. If, from the first, Glilck is
recalled to us, so that we have come to look upon it as a
Happy (! 'lucky sort of undramatic piece, it is not until the
linal tableau that we are forcibly reminded of OFFENBACH'S
/»•//<' lli-lene, and then we miss the presence of Calchas,
Menelas, and many lasses and lads besides, not to mention
the sparkling light music that used to set us all a-humming
and made of the audience one great "Music Bee." SAINT-
SU;NS' " jioi'me lyrique" is a work sans-songs. Nor does
it lend itself more readily to action than does any passage
between a Wagnerian hero and heroine.
The scenery for this poem is specially remarkable for the
frozen fountain in front of the Palace of Menelas, the water
of which, having reached a certain height, has struck and
refused to come down again. That the " sky-borders " should
materiaUy interfere with the realistic effect of Troy town
a-burning in the distance appears to everyone, artistically
" The Trippers."— No Luggage Allowed.
]>i-mnl Operatic prospect, if likely to end in a squall.
interested, as "uncommonly hard lines." The Sky-boarders,
i.e. the divinities temporarily stopping in Olympus, were,
it is true, very hard on the Trojans. This by the way.
The stage direction in the first scene is " Chants et danxcs
i/<iiif! Ii- jxilii'm." We hear the singing, but can only take
the word of the librettist for the fact of any dancing going
on within the palace of our old friend Ai»;/ .Mi'iu'liix. No
doubt the two Ajax and all our old classical friends (" l"/rr
Is'iii/ii-H'i'd") are performing an hilarious cancan while ]{<'/, '•;«•
is stealing out to meet that gay young dog 1'nr'ix. And
II<'l<-ne, Madame MELBA, not looking particularly classical,
but very unhappy, does come out all alone, except for being
accompanied by tho orchestra, to cool her fevered brow with
a stroll on the shore of the poluphloisboio thalasscx, meaning
"the briny," where she amuses herself with declamatory
utterances which are of no particular interest, either musi-
cally or dramatically, to anybody.
Then Venus, Miss E. PARKINA, appears in a kind of mid-air
garden, " peuple de Nymphes et d' Amours " (ahem ! Venus
with all her Amours — except her amour propre), and sings
charmingly. There are " visions about," and most effective,
musically and dramatically, is the appearance of Mme. KIHKIIY
LUNN as Pallas up in the air and thoroughly well up in the
music, who, after announcing the burning of Troy (which
you can see for yourself " while you wait "), disappears.
For one moment it seemed
as if these rather dull pro-
ceedings were about to be
enlivened by a dance to be
performed either by MELBA-
Helene or by M. DALMORES-
Parls, as we certainly caught
the words, sung in a tone of
command by Pallas, "Pas
seul I " But neither Part* nor
Helene was dans le mouve-
ment, and on referring to the
libretto we found the words
were " Pars seul," and were
addressed to Paris, advising l<
him to go away en gareon and V
" leave the girl alone ! " But
when the Goddess of Wisdom
has vanished, then the rather
dull boy and the very fine
girl embrace enthusiastically,
and run out to hire a boat in
which, after a delay of some
few minutes absolutely neces-
View of Minerva glittering in
armour, or the Crystal Pallas.
sary for setting the sail, they appear drifting away before the
breeze at the rate of eighteenpence an hour (without the man),
regardless of rudder, and apparently giving the slip to the
proprietor, who is not on the spot to look after his own craft.
Curtain. The actor-vocalists reappear some seven or eight
times, but Conductor MESSAGER does not come to the front (in
this sense at least), nor does the composer, M. C. SAINT-SAENS,
for whose absence Madame MELBA despairingly apologises in
dumb show.
After this, " Bang goes eaxpence ! " that is, we have
" cannons to right of them, cannons to left of them " in
La Navarraise, which, beginning in smoke, so ends, and is all
sound and fury signifying very little to anyone, and least of
all to Mme. DE NUOVINA as Anita, a part to which Mme. CALVE
contrived to give whatever of dramatic significance it is
capable : but then CALVE herself is capable de tout.
Wednesday, June 22. — Rigoletto. Mile. SELMA KURZ
triumphantly repeating her vocal and histrionic success as
Gilda needs no more than a mere Kuaz-ory remark. Well
and wisely does M. RENAUD, as Rigoletto, play the fool, and
therefore he must be, as was Papa Eecles in Caste, " a very
464
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
[JUNE 29, 1904.
IN TOPSY-TURVY LAND.
THE production of Mr. W. S. GILBERT'S
most amusing study in topsy-turvydom
entitled Harlequin and the Fairy's
Dilemma, " An Original Domestic Panto-
mime in Two Acts," which has been
running at the Garrick Theatre for the
last six or seven weeks, was a decidedly
happy thought on the part of Mr. ARTHUR
BOURCHIER, lessee, manager, excellent
comedian, and first-class professor of
general utility, whose representation of
the heavy-cavalry officer Colonel Sir
Trevor Mauleverer is only equalled by
his perfect rendering, in the same piece,
of the old-fashioned traditionary JOEY
GRIMALDI clown. Startlingly humorous
too is the transformation of the elegant
Lady Angela Wealdstone, charmingly
played by Miss VIOLET VANBRUGH, into
the short-skirted, gracefully dancing
and posturing Columbine.
Mr. SYDNEY VALENTINE'S characterisa-
tion of conceited Mr. Justice Wlwrtle,
" of the High Court of Judicature," who
has an intense appreciation of the jokes
with which he beguiles the jury, the
bar, and the public, is as excellent as
clever man." Signorina FRASCANI is the satisfactory new | his impersonation of doddering dotage when compelled by
comer as Maddalena, and Signer DANI is raised to the operatic ] magic art to appear as shaky old Pantaloon.
peerage as "the New Duke." It cannot be said of Signor I Miss JESSIE BATEMAN is delightful as the ordinary theatrical
DANI'S singing and acting that, as HENRY LIVING'S inimit- type of fairy in a pantomime, able to parrot a few lines of
able Corporal Brewster observes, "it wouldn't do for the rhyme without regard to their meaning, and waving her
Dook," as it does very well, though not by any means " a wand in the conventional style. The author has made the
record." character as muddle-headed a supernatural being as Puck
Thursday, June 23. — Habitues arriving at the Opera House I in A Midsummer Night's Dream.
punctually, regretted the hurried cutlet and hasty pudding < The old-fashioned theatrical, tinsel-eyelided and spangled
they had taken in order to obey the showman's usual adjura- j demon Alcohol, capitally played by Mr. JERROLD ROBERTSHAW,
tion "to be in time " for LEONCAVALLO'S delightful opera. ! belongs, as do both " supernaturals," only to pantomime, and
But " the old order changeth, yielding place to new," and at j they are puzzling even at that, when, in the last scene, they
the last moment La Navarraise preceded Pagliacci. i suddenly become mortals in order to be married in church
Salutations to Pagliacci, " by RUGGIERO LEONCAVALLO (born by the Rev. Aloysius Parfitt, M.A., of St. Parabola's, which
1858)." Quite the Nedda, in appearance, as is Mile. AURELIE ; character, as portrayed by Mr. 0. B. CLARENCE, is quite the
"LA NAVARRAISE."
Cannon Bal d'Opeia. Trea bang. Intended to be very pop-ular.
REVY, singing prettily and acting cleverly, yet we missed
MELBA.
As Tonio Signor Scorn was all that could be desired,
except his make-up. Unless our memory is deceitful, Tonio,
when he first appeared at Covent Garden, used to be in a
sort of Pierrot's costume, and thus attired he sang the great
prologue. Without the Pierrot's dress two-thirds of the
dramatic effect are lost. Clever artist as SCOTTI is, herein he
has made a mistake.
M. SEVEILHAC as Silvio is good, but he bears not the gay
plumage of the cock of the village, such as befits the gay
rustic-maiden-killer, son of a superior farmer. Silvio is a
provincial rustic masher, and M. SEVEILHAC doesn't raise him
up above an ordinary gardener. But Signor CARUSO as
Canio ! His voice fills the house, nay, crowds it. The
audience were enthusiastic, and indeed his singing was
magnificent ; but CARUSO'S Canio, histrionically, lacked the
irresistible pathos that signalised Signor DI LUCIA'S inimitable
rendering of the part. But, what a voice ! what a whole
most absurdly humorous performance in this extravaganza,
where everything, and everybody, is so supremely ridiculous.
By the way, is some subtle joke intended to be conveyed
by the mispronunciation of the comic clergyman's Christian
name, Aloysius, which is pronounced by everyone, in this
piece at the Garrick Theatre, as Aloysms ? Correctly the
name should be pronounced Aloysius. Never as "AZoj/sius."
Would either " satirical rogue," author or actor (the latter an
Oxford man), pronounce Heloise as Heloys, or Louis, mono-
syllabically, as Lous ?
Mr. RICKETT'S music, Mr. JOHN D'AUBAN'S dances, and Mr.
BRUCE SMITH'S scenery, all conduce to the success achieved by
this mirth-provoking, topsy-turvy piece of absurdity.
It is preceded by A Lesson in Harmony, a light comedietta
written in prose by the Poet Laureate. It is a mere curtain-
raiser of a well-known type, on the model of our very old
friend, Book the Third, Chapter the First, but without the
"snap" that popularised that adaptation from the French.
As one of the principal parts is played, very cleverly, by
court of appeal to the public it is ! That CARUSO was called, j Mr. BOURCHIER, and the other, very prettily, by Miss BATEMAN,
and recalled, and called again after that, goes without saying, there is secured for it, from appreciative early-arrivals, an
and we come away humming the Motley's melody which, ! amount of attention which, probably, would not have fallen
strangely enough, gets somehow blended with that to to its lot had it been written by a less favoured author,
which Rigoletto the Jester limps round the stage, while —
the leading motive of Pagliacci confuses itself with memories «m0 BE LET.-An attractive Detached Gentleman's Residence."-
of the " other lips of BALFE s dear old Bohemian Girl. J- The Standard. [Suitable for attractive detached lady ?]
JUNK 29, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
465
IT was in a corner of the County Ground that Mr. PUNCH, who had looked in for a few minutes to see how the
match was progressing, came across the famous Cricketer. On the approach of the Sage the Young Athlete — the
picture of health, strength, and good looks — hastily thrust into his pocket a note-book in which he had been writing.
"Well," said Mr. PUNCH, "your work for the day is over, I suppose — if it can be called work; while I —
and the Sage sighed as he thought of the Atlantean burden to be dealt with before he sought his couch.
"Come, Sir," replied the Cricketer, "I bet you that I work harder than you do."
" I "m open to conviction," replied Mr. PUNCH, " but I don't see how you can prove it."
"Very well, then. Now listen. To-day I made 120 not out, was interviewed twice, photographed three times,
and wrote half a column for the Daily Demagogue. I 'm off now to get a bit of dinner, and before I turn in I 've got
to finish an article on the Economics of Sport for the Statist. If I get to bed by 12, I shall consider myself lucky."
"Then I suppose you'll take it out in the morning?"
" Not a bit of it. I 've got to keep fit, and to do that one must live by rule. Out of bed at 7, a run round
the Park if I 'm in town, and an hour's work before breakfast at a book I 'm writing on the Psychology of Athletics.
Cricket and journalism all day, a lecture at the Breakback Institute on. the Imperial Solidarity of Pastime, and then
I 'm off by a midnight train to Manchester, where I 'm playing for the next three days. If you can show a heavier
time-table I should like to see it."
Mr. PUNCH pondered for a moment. It was open to him to retort that work must be measured by quality not
quantity, and that between the exertions of the journalist-athlete and his own. colossal achievements there was a
tmhrenoe not only in degree but in kind. But he decided to waive that point and vary his attack.
| It seems to me, my young friend, that you lead a sufficiently strenuous life — early to rise, and late to bed,
and filling up all your available time with literary work."
" Yes, that 's about it," replied the young Apollo.
Cricketers were not always like that," said Mr. PUNCH. "In the old days when professionals wore grey shirts,
a cricketer was more afraid of a pen than a bumpy wicket. But now you are all brainy. The old charge against
athletes of being brainless Philistines, ' young barbarians all at play,' can no longer be made good. It doesn't fit the
facts.
| Well, I ^think the ' flannelled fools ' and ' muddied oafs ' was pitching it a bit strong."
"Just so," rejoined Mr. PUNCH. "The mischief of it is that the flannelled and muddied ones, so far from
being fools and oafs, are on your own showing, for I don't suppose you are an altogether exceptional case, men
466
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 29, 1904.
capable of serving their country with their brains as well as their hands, instead of merely ministering to her
amusement."
" Well, Sir, you may be right, but at any rate we work hard enough for our living."
"Yes, and that's the pity of it— all this energy and ability lavished on games, when the country is crying
out for efficiency and intelligence in Commerce and the Army and Navy. You 're fond of quoting poetry in your
articles, so perhaps you '11 allow me to adapt a familiar couplet for your benefit : —
"He strengthened his muscles, but narrowed his mind,
And to pastime gave up what was meant for mankind."
If we are heading straight for Conscription it is you who are largely to blame for it. By the way," added Mr. PUNCH,
" what are your views of Conscription ? "
" Oh, I don't set up to be a thinker," replied the Athlete, " but I don't fancy it would work at all. English-
men would never stand that. They like to serve their country of their own free will."
"Now you, for example," said the Sage, "I suppose that you are a Volunteer?"
"No," said the Cricketer, "I can't say that I am. Volunteering seems to me to be very poor fun."
"But a Volunteer may be very useful when the country is in difficulties, don't you think so? They were by
no means ciphers in the Boer War."
" Well, yes. I approve of Volunteering if a man has the time."
"Time! " said the Sage. "My good young friend, I am afraid that I must take you in hand a little. Has it
never occurred to you that you are overdoing all these athletics, that it is time to grow up and be rather more
serious? Cricket is a splendid thing; football is a splendid thing; but no healthy fine young fellow like you ought
to spend the whole summer in knocking a solid ball about and the whole winter in kicking a hollow one. That is
only a small part of life, and you are making it the whole. Is there no Empire to expand, no country to be defended ?
Are we not menaced at every turn by clever young Americans and plodding young Germans ? Against their quickness
and thoroughness are we to offer no resistance but fine averages? What will a long score too often made or a goal
too often kicked serve you in the battle of life ? An occasional game refreshes and strengthens ; continuous play is
sterilising. England at this moment needs thoughtful, active, patriotic sons much more than dashing cricketers. Every
young man should try to do something for his country and take some interest in affairs."
"But there's no fun in such matters," replied the youth.
"No fun?" echoed the Sage. "There you are very wrong. The study of affairs can be as diverting as a
Pavilion story, and far more instructive at the same time. And if you will promise me to make the attempt to think
less of the games and more of the duties of the splendid young Englishman that you are, I will give you the secret
of combining love of country with love of humour." And on the young man acquiescing in the compact Mr. PUNCH
placed in his hands hia
(Shu Jfwtbutr nntr Cfa^ntg-Si^tlj
JUNE 29, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
467
Cartoons.
SAMBOURNE, E. LINLEY
Another Side-show ... S71
" Catch as Catch Can " 118
Change of Taste 888
Crushed Again 191
Eclipse of Venus (The) 817
Edge of the Storm (The) 99
First Lord of the Hidden Treasury
(The) 88
Good Pluck'd 'Un (A) 262
" Hitting the Happy Mean " 299
Leaving the Lists 178
Manchurian Stakes (The) 889
Melting 424, 425
Modern Tarquin (The) 47
ALLEN, INGLIS
Highways and Byways 58
BENTLEY, E. C.
"Who's Who?" 144
BRETHERTON, CYRIL H.
Fly in the Ointment (The) 298
Golden Mean (The) 276
Lament of the Ladies' Man 7
To an African Potentate 484
To Tatters 288
Vanished Art (A) 90
BROWNE, H. DEVEY
" Auseiner kleinen Gamison" ...238
Caf<? in Piccadilly (A) 807
Gaiety Gaul (The) 262
Intercepted Letters 197
Memoirs of a Divinity (The) 887
Mud (The) 86
Sympathising with Japan 118
Un Petit Voyage d'Agrftnent 413
Vive laKussiel 48
War News 154
BURNAND, SIR F. C.
Actors Benevolent 406
All the Talents at Daly's 214
Among the Immortals at the Bur-
lington : so
At the Oxford Encsenia 461
Blossoming 482
" Boz " Note (A) 288
Critic Off the Hearth (The) 49
Friends in Front 452
Humpty Dumpty and his Yolk-
fellows at Drury Lane 86
Imperial Policy (An) 162
In Topsy-Turvy Land 464
Irresponsibility 290
Knot for Joe 67
Law and Disorder 3*26
Little .lack iu a Corner 133
Melo-Muddle Drama (A) 145
SAMBOURNB, E. LINLBT
Momentous Interview (A) 448
Mutual Sacrifice (A) 217
Opportunity 155
Penny Wisdom 461
Reckoning (The) 281
Return of Arthur (The) 187
Strategist (A) 886
" Tails, I Win 1 " 245
" Tempus Edax Rerum " 11
Time Limit (The) 407
Tough Customer (A) 101
Very Upsttting 309
PARTRIDGE, BERNARD
As We Like It ........................... 98
Chamberlain Orchidstra (The) ...... 41
Choice of Evils (A) ..................... 827
" Compulsory Visit to .Xsculapius "
(A) .......................................... 453
Erin's Welcome ........................... 291
Family Jar (A) ........................... 65
Fat Boy at Westminster (The) ...... 147
Fiscal Energy .............................. 863
Good Old Customs ........................ 365
Hypnotic " Suggestion" ............... 485
In a Tight Place ........................... 78
Joseph in Egypt ........................... Ill
" Ult
Ne" Plum" Ultra
165
Articles.
BURNAND, SIR F. C.
Momus at the Apollo Theatre ...... 480
Morning Call at the New Gallery . 484
Operatic Notes... 341, 359, »77, 891, 412,
481, 449, 463
Opera Operanda ........................... 297 '
Our Boolring-Omee ...... 86, 70, 88, 106,
116, 144, 162, 180, 198, 216, 284, 262,
270, 288, 306, 323, 342, 360, 878, 896,
•III, 432
Out-and-Outings ...................... 442 ;
Pick of the Pictures (The) ............ 8*0 i
Piece with Humour ..................... 74;
Pilgrims and their Progress ......... 452
Pleasant Evening (A) .................. 808 i
Reed's Entire .............................. 182
Sunday School of Acting (A) ........ 448
Sword and Pen .......................... 107 j
Tommies' Tournament (The) ...... 898
BTJRNET, HODGSON
Manners Maketh 807 .................. 79
CAINE, WILLIAM
Dry-fly Notes .............................. 278
New Kindergarten Methods ......... 154
CAMPBELL, A. J.
Well-balanced Lover (A) ............ 895
CAMPBELL, GERALD
Domestic Drama ........................ 232
COLLER, W. L.
Fables ....................................... 352
Two Fables ................................. 267
COURLANDER, A.
O. P. Gossip ........................ 19, 52, 90
COX, F. J.
Modern Pastoral (A) .................. 72
DARK, RICHARD
My Epitaph ................................. 14 '
DKANE, A. C.
Fault of Commission (A) 842
Really Businesslike 148
Three Minutes' Comedy (A) 87
What Might Have Been 879
ECKERSLEY, ARTHUR
Conversation for Combatants 284
Deportment for Trains 194
ELIAS, F. W.
" Like as we Lie" 91
Long Result of Time (The) 6*
Rising Industry (A) 248
Torture (The) 86
Undergrounding in Literature (An) 92
EMANUBL, WALTKR
Charivaria ... 16, 20. 44, 55, 77, 100, 124,
127, 149, 169, 187, 211, 233, 235, 269,
276, 294, 319, 829, 343, 878, 894, 897,
41K, 438, 457
Fatal Moustache (The) 16,28
GRAVES, 0. L., AND LUOAB, E. V.
Alake of Abeokuta's Busy Week . . 886
Anniversaries of the Week 185
Anti-Meat Movement (The) 848
Are Big Men Doomed ! 68
Authentic Blunders 208
Breakfast-Table Problems 53
Counsel to Correspondents 68
Cricket Reform 198
Desperate Doings at Oxford 888
Footwear Fancies 128
Free Conversation (A) 804
Fur-coat Fashions 98
Golf and Good Form 160
Great Golfers 813
Heads of the People (The) 487
Hints on Smoking 178
Holiday Hints 244
PARTRIDGE, BERNARD
NottobeDrawn 88
Play 's the Thing 899
Political Rip Van Winkle (The) 417
Progress! 139
Progressive Old Man of the (L.C.)C.
(The) 219
Slump in Mines (A) 881
Spoiling Sport 845
To Meet the Other One ... „. 287
Twelfth Night ; or, What You Will 8
Two of a Trade 201
Wasted Waterway (The) .. 809
Wisdom of the East (The) 188
GRAVES, C. L., AND LUCAS, E. V.
How to Spend a Happy Evening . , . 207
Lady Babblesdale's visit* 298
Latest Kidnapping Intelligence .* 4tQ
Latest Magazines (The) 222
Laws of Cricket (The) 848
Life's Little Embarrassments 185
Lost Opportunities 184
MC.C. Journalists in Australia
(The) 88
Missing Name Competition (The).. 221
More Chat at Chatsworth 60
More New Element* 378
M.P.'s as Tourist Tipsters 401
Mr. Punch'sAutographSale... 862, 880,
408,416
Mr. Punch's Symposia... 84, 44, 78, 125,
170. 216. 258, 867, 410, 441, 458
Mr. Punch's Tests 823
Muse of History (The) 161, 186
Musical Jottings 278, 886
Musical Notes 18
Obituarist's Guide (The) 109
Perils of Autograph-hunting (The) 332
Point of View (The) 851
Pursuit of Periphrasis (The) 97
Real Fairy Tales 459
Scientific Skipping 289
Shakspearein London 880
Song of Real Difficulty (A) 85
Sparklets from the Sprinter*'
Gazette 126
TamingtheSea 868
"Things Seen" 243
Toilet Tragedies 89
Unlimited tit. Louis 378
Views on the Crisis 78
Visit to Highbury (A) 360
Week-end Wrinkles 10
GRAYSON, E. A.
" Plain Living " 114
468
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 29, 1904.
Articles— continued.
GUTHRIE, ANSTEY
Capsuloid Comedies -~ *•>
Decayed Drama and hubmerjfwa
Stuge Rescue Society (Limited1),. . . (
Defircuted Dramas — *68
Endowment of Research (The) 80
Entrance Examination Paper (AnJ K4
" First Night " Supper (A) 167
Going Bound the Caves
Mv Pocket Mascot -42
Our Mr. Jabtierjee in the Far East aft),
(06, 314, SSO, 350, 365, 883, 40?, 429,
Philosopher and Philanthropist .... 114
Recent Collapse of the Dome of St..
Paul's 56
Revised Literary Catechism (A) ... 154
Royalties I Recollect 132
Tabloid Tragedies 205
Ubiquitous Gordons and the Imiiuit-
tous Clubbocks (The) 24
"Woman's Corner (The) 62
HANKIN, ST. JOHN
"Lordliest Life on Earth" 14
Mr. Punch's Fiscal Ballads 73
HOME, ALICE
Elementary Classics 451
Ladies' Column (The) 802
HOPKINS, E. T.
Legend Abridged 27B
HUGHES, C. E.
Alien Immigrants 316
Inner Circle (The) 86
Journalism in Tabloids 16
Last Gasp (The) 189
Wire-Pullers (The) 222,250,840
KENDALL, CAPT.
Doom of Behemoth (The) 61
Drawbacks 892
Lines to the Back of my Head 460
My last Illusion 1M
New Order (The) 1»»
Rhymes of the East 313
Temperate Orgies 171
j To an Orang Outang 250
To the Sea-Serpent 882
LEHMANN, R. C.
Abandoned 92
Bumble-Bee-Boy (The) 188
Fiscal Letters 59
LEHMANN, K. C
Josephus Tyrannua 8
M. Boudin in England.. .254, 272, 805,
323. 326, 844, 361, 404, 440
Nae Doot 172
On Saturday, next Saturday 214
Picky Back 25, 81, 110, 160
Thames Weather 888
Way we have at the 'Varsity (A)... 420
LITTELL, PHILIP
Emollients for Millionaires... 2, 31, 50,
71, 90.
Letter of Condolence (A) 164
Side Lights from the Front 46
LUCY, H. W.
Essence of Parliament ...103, 121, 189,
157, 175, 193, 203, 229, 283, 301, 311,
337, 355, 873, 409, 427, 445, 455
F. A. F 396
Our Booking-Office...l06, 116, 144, 1(52,
180, 198, 216, 234, 252, 270, 288, SOfi,
823, 342, 360, 378, 396, 414, 432, 450
LCMLEY, LYULPH
Tee-Tattle 421
MARTIN, N. R.
Higher Commercial Education
(The) 14S
How Newspapers influence the
Public 251
Imperial (Cricket) Expansion 108
Little Articles by Great Men... 179, 200
More Suspicions 356
War Correspondence 163
MENZIES, G. K.
Esthetic Morals 440
Alien Immigrants 86S
Apologetics 415
Clothes and the Man 834
Cupid at Kew 259
pescent of Man (The) 88
'Egregious Englishman (The) 158
Frames of Mind 448
"Franchise Reflections 277
Golden Mean (The) 198
Harbour of Refuge (The) 217
Home, Sweet Home I 161
Homoeopathy 257
Ideal Newspaper (The) 852
Insular Protection 188
New Poetics (The) 10
Nominal Humour 815
MENZIES, G. K,
O Gentle Sleep ! 85
Protest (A) 52
Spoilt Children 248
Suggestion (A) 825
Vanishing Chances 116
Variety Entertainment (The) 226
MILNE, A. A.
New Game (The) 358
NEWNHAM-DAVIS, LT.-COL.
Little Farces for the Forces 116
POPE, JESSIB
Hints for the Very Young 190
Hints on Hats 224
Ice 869
Manx Malady (A) 144
Mere Vacuum 347
Muff (A) 19
Tuberoses 358
Venus's I/ooking-Glass 430
Venus to Mars 271
REED, E. T.
Tablets of Azit-tigleth-Mlphansi,
the Scribe 247, 265
RITCHIE, FRANK
To his Maecenas 46
ROWAN, HILL
Lest we Forget 325
SEAMAN, OWEN
Arms and the Woman 110
Arthur J. Balf our, War Lord 91
Cedant Arma Togse I 182
Confessional 286
Darling of Most of the Gods (The) 2
Decline and Fall-off (The) 164
Decline of Chivalry (The) 328
Fragment of an Epic on the Under-
ground 88
High Priest of Bacchus (A) 844
Home of Liberty (The) 898
Home Thoughts from Abroad . 254, 272
In Memoriam — Duke of Cambridge 216
Letting Loose the Wild Ducks of
War 128
Mr. Seddon Intervenes 74
Our Booking-Offlce ... 14, 252, 378, 396,
450
Our Law-givers 452
Perka and the Promise of Spring ... 218
SEAMAN, OWEN
Plea for Dissolution (A) 146
Popular Fallacies 20
Recessional 332
Smuts on the Situation 200
Storm in a Tea-cup 3fg
Studies of Blighted Lives 56
" Sweet Uses of Obesity " . 290
To C.-B., Mining Expert .".".' 380
Unholy Alliance (The) 416
SENIOR, WALTER
Bates SRS
Theatrical "Par" (The) 61
SHERINGHAM, H T.
Contemplative Man's Expenses
(The) 186
SHUCKBUROII, J. E.
Cry of the Flat Fish (The) 204
SYKES, A. A.
Azure Prospects 32
Consolations for the Unhung 304
End to Gaucherie (An) 136
February 29 142
First Aid to Artists 218
Index Objurgatorius (An) 107
Mouse Fancy (A) 16
Mr. Punch's Budget '" 289
Revolt of the Fare (The) 422
Soiree at Olympia (A) 91
Some Fresh Developments of the
Treasure-hunting Craze 84
Tate-a-Tate Gallery (The) 181
Tricks of the Brain 82
Trouble Ahead ".. 392
TURNER, DENIS
Urbs ruri 287
WALSHE, DOUGLAS
Good News for Good Girls 145
WHITE, R. F.
Apologia 394
FrontiNulla Fides 244
WILKINSON, S. CARTER
Fresh Figures from tie First Test
Match 79
WODEHOUSE, P. G.
Balm for the Broken-hearted 135
Man's Inhumanity to Boy 26
Mr. Punch's Spectral Analyses 3
Pictures and Sketches.
ALDIN, CECIL 145, 199
ARMOUR, G. DENHOLM...IO, 33, 41, 69, 91, 113,
141, 164, 160, 170, 177, 181, 221, 249,
267, 280, 303, 313, 333, 857, 370, 393,
• 411, 419, 437
BAUMER, LEWIS 59, 89, 439
BIQUARD, A '367
BLAIKLKY, ERNEST 441
BOOTH, J. L. C 107, 125
BOYD, A. S 459
BROCK, C. G.... 51, 61, 87, 106, 171, 195, 253,
275, 297, 339, 421
BROWNB, TOM... 9, 95, 109, 135, 151, 163, 217
BUCHANAN, FRED 349
BULL, RENU 187, 231, 286
CARTER, R. C 142
CLEAVER, RALPH 189, 243
CLEAVER, REGINALD 19, 211, 331
CORBOULD, A. C 23, 37, 457
COWHAM, H 251, 361, 395, 429
FlTZHERBERT, HERBERT , 35, 179
GREIG, JAMES 143
HALKETT, G. R 215
HARDY, DUDLEY 223, 289, 319, 341, 359,
377, 391, 412, 413, 431, 449, 450, 463, 464
HERKOMER, HERBERT 212, 213
HODGSON, W. J 55, 73
HOLGATE, T. W 287
HOPKINS, E 451
HORWOOD, A. M 413
JALLAND, G. H 108, 126, 397
KING, GUNNING 271
LAUDER, EDGAR 64
LEWIN, F 36, 72, 124, 178, 196
LINDSAY, LIONEL 161
LOUOHRIDGE, H. G 232
MILLS, A. WALLIS ... 7, 77, 99, 133, 153, 205,
233, 257, 277, 293, 324, 329, 369, 387, 401
PEARS, CHARLES 5, 27, 97, 167, 197, 259,
347
RACEY, S, J 17
RAVEN-HILL, L.... 15, 28, 46, 57, 82, 100, 123,
136, 159, 172, 186, 190, 208, 226, 244, 262,
273, 298, 316, 334, 343, 352, 376, 388, 406,
422, 442, 460
REED, E. T ... 13, 31, 32, 49, 67, 85, 103, 104,
121, 122, 139, 140, 157, 158, 175, 176,
193, (194, 203, 204, 229, 230, 247, 265,
283, !284, 301, 302, 311, 321, 337, 338,
355, 356, 373' 374, 385, 409, 427, 428, 445,
446, 455, 456
RICHARDSON, R. J 351
SAMBOURNE, E. LINLEY 1
SMITH, A. T 79, 207, 241
SOMERVILLE, HOWARD ... 239, 365
SPENCE, PERCY F. S 149, 225
STAMPA, G. L 18, 45, 118, 127, 169, 235,
261, 279, 305, 315, 379
STANLAWS, PENRHYN 131, 295, 447
TOWNSEND, F. H.... 81, 307, 325, 383, 403, 415,
433
VENNER, VICTOR 63, 405
WALLACE-DUNLOP, MARION 54, 71, 106
WHEELER, E. J 180
WILKINSON, TOM 43
WILLIAMS, F. A 376
WILSON, DAVID 25, 53, 117, 185, 269
WOOD, STAKR 93, 115
BRADBUET, AONEW & CO., U>., PEINTKES, LOHDOX AHD TONBBIDOK.
PUNCH, cm THE LONDON CHARIVARI, I>M:KMDB* 18
PUNCH
Vol. CXXVII.
JULY— DECEMBER, 1904.
PVNCH, OH Tlir I.CMVIN C'llAKIVAKI, PFC«M«I« 3»,
LONDON:
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 10, BOUVERIE STREET,
AND SOLD BV ALL BOOKSELLERS.
1904.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, DECBMBBR *8, 1904.
Bradbury, Agnew & Co , Ld.,
Printers,
London and Tonbridge.
Jn.v 0, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
V '
THE following has been issued from the War Office : —
" It having boon noticed at His Majesty's Levee held on June 7 that
some general officers and colonels on the staff wore the sword-belt
over the tunic, attention is dircrtcd to (he instructions contained in
l>n." Regulations, 19IX), ]iaraf>raj>h 28, in which it is distinctly laid
down that the swurd-bclt is to be worn under the tunic by the officers
-lion."
The same rule, of course, still applies to trousers, which
should be worn under, and not over, the tunic.
TRUE HARPINESS. — According to a Daily Chronicler, the
Royal Harpist, Mr. JOHN THOMAS, aged seventy-five, is still in
the service of his Majesty. "The harp that once" is again
coming into fashion with ladies, married and single. Delight-
ful prospect ! large increase of Harpy Homes !
WIG AND GOWK. — The new establislunent of Mr. CLARKSOX,
the well-known theatrical wig-maker, recently opened by
Mme. BERNHARDT, is in future to be known as " The Wig-warn."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 6, 1904.
TO AN ACCOMPLISHED SERIO-COMIC.
[In his garden-party speech at Lambton Castle before a number of
excursionists from Newcastle and the neighbourhood Lord ROSF.IIEHV
i owner of that, promising colt Cicero), after stating that the present
Administration would "go down to posterity as a hanky-panky Govern-
ment," spoke of the Liberal Party as " anxious and ready, with an
overpowering mass of ability on the benches, to serve their country and
their King."]
AT Lambton, where tke noble DURHAM sits,
You stood, my Lord, upon a gay parterre,
And to the flower of all the neighbouring pits
Spoke out like thunder in the open air ;
And by a fine illuminating phrase,
One of those things that in the memory linger,
Lent added lustre to the jewelled blaze
That scintillates on Time's outstretched forefinger.
Its central gem (of purest ray serene)
Was " hanky-panky ; " and indeed I trace
Throughout your effort in the garden scene
A steady glow of Ciceronian grace,
Worthy of him, your gifted two-year-old,
On whom I would that some divining mascot
Had made me put my solid weight in gold
Prior to his initial feat at Ascot.
You hinted how you shortly hoped to see
Your party back in power ; and I, my Lord,
Rejoice that, though our motives disagree,
I share that pious wish with full accord ;
For I have said before (you know the strain
Of humour, how it tends to repetition ?)
That I would give a lot to breathe again
The buccaneering airs of Opposition.
Thrice happy he whose metier is to flout
The Man in Office, made an easy butt
By that exposing light that beats about
A Treasury Bench and blackens every smut ;
While they for whom we others whet our shaft
Suffer no boding sense of insecurity,
But mock with lifted nose our futile craft,
Safely concealed inside their own obscurity.
But you, my Lord-, with your impartial wit,
Shoot either way at any harness-joint,
Lightly incurious as to whom you hit,
Or whether he remarks your missile's point ;
Tims, you invited, as in serious vein,
Canny Newcastle's Geordies and their wenches
To note the " overpowering mass " of brain
Just now located on the Liberal benches.
My Lord, your " hanky-panky " phrase was good,
But this was better. 'Tis by such an art
That you could work great wonders if you would,
Melting the people's unsuspicious heart ;
For none of those that caught that rallying-cry
But swallowed hastily its pleasing unction,
Nor guessed what tremors shook your inward eye,
Nor how your tongue and cheek were in conjunction.
Dowered with the priceless gift of solemn mirth
Of which its victims overlook the sting,
What might you not have made of this dull earth
Had you contrived to cultivate the thing ?
For me (the hireling jester undersigned)
I yield a humble rival's admiration
To one who could have left us all behind,
But, Heaven be thanked, you missed your true
vocation ! 0. S.
THE ACTOR-MANAGER EXPLAINS.
Miss FLORENCE WARDEN, the authoress of many popular
novels, recently contributed an article to the Daily Ma'il on
the deplorable condition of the British Drama. She herself,
it appears, has written no fewer than twenty plays, which
have all been refused by Managers, often several times. The
refusals, however, have invariably been accompanied by a
nattering acknowledgment of the merits of the piece rejected.
But, argues Miss WARDEN with great cogency, the plays by
other writers which these same Managers subsequently pro-
duced had no merit at all ! Can it be, then, that an absence
of merit is the first desideratum in any play that is to see" the
light on the English Stage ?
Eager to obtain some explanation, if explanation were
possible, of this extraordinary state of affairs, Mr. Punch's
emissary sought the presence of a well-known actor-manager.
" You have read Miss WARDEN'S article? " he begun.
The Manager bowed.
" Perhaps you have even rejected some of her plays? "
"I hardly think that is a fair question," he protested.
" Well, anyhow you have rejected plays by other ladies? "
The Manager sighed. "I have," he s;iid, "lots of them."
" Why ? " asked Mr. Punch's representative fiercely.
" Because they were no good."
" Did you give that as a reason ? "
The Manager coughed diffidently. " I am not by nature
an unkindly man," lie began, and paused.
"Well?"
" Naturally, therefore, I always like to do the civil thing,
especially where ladies are concerned."
" You don't produce their plays, however ? "
"No! no!" replied the Manager hastily, "I couldn't do
that! But I invariably speak of them in flattering terms
when I return them. 1 'recognise their cleverness,' 1
'appreciate the brilliancy of the characterisation,' I 'am
much struck by the neat dialogue.' "
" But Miss WARDEN says —
"I know, I know. I've read what she says, 1 tell you.
But, upon my word, I can't see what grievance playwrights
have nowadays. We read their plays. We praise thorn.
And we send them back. What more do they want?"
"Wouldn't it be franker not to praise them if they are
bad ? "
"It would. Much franker. But would they like it?" he
snapped.
" You might try."
" Try ! " he answered irritably. " I hace tried. 1 've tried
every way. But nothing pleases them. I tried sending
plays back without comment, They wrote to the papers and
said I was uncivil. Then I tried a printed form ' regretting
that I was unable to produce the enclosed.' That brought
the writer down in a cab to ask my reason."
" Did you give it ?"
" Certainly not ! I can't tell a lady her play is nonsense.
It would be brutal. Besides, it would make me unpopular.
And an actor-manager in London who 's unpopular may as
well close his theatre. So I said the play was most awfully
good, and all that, but not quite suited to my theatre, and I
suggested her submitting it to Mr. TREE or Mr. ALEXANDER.
I always do that now."
" But what do Mr. TREE or Mr. ALEXANDER say ? "
" Nothing— that you could print. But they 've found out
the dodge at last, and now they send on their had e^gs to
me. So it 's all square in the end."
"But do you never tell the truth about the plavs ladies
nd von ? "
send you ?
«™d,id~0nce>" rePlied tlle Manager gloomily.
iell me about that," said Mr. Punch's lieutenr
But the Manager had fled.
lieutenant eagerly.
ITXCII, olt TIIK I.oNhoN CIIAIilVAIfl. .li i y <>, l!tO.|.
A LESSON IN PATBIOTISM.
.Ions Bun. "FOOB AliMY SVSTKM SEEMS TO WORK SPLENDIDLY. HOW DO YOU MANAGE IT?"
J.U'AN. "PERFECTLY SIMPLE. WITH US EVERY MAN IS READY TO SACRIFICE HIMSELF FOR HIS COUNTRY
AMI IHIKX IT ! "
JolIN l!l:i I " RK\I \ I.'K .M !!.!.'. S\X'1'|.'\t I T Mi:«T TPV A\in TMTPnniV'l?. THAT AT HO\TF. ! "
JULY 6, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
HERE'S A PRETTY GO!
(At Wyndliam's T
IN The FinishiiujXrliotil Mr. MAX PEM-
BERTON has given us \vhut, he defines afi
a Romance, but it should certainly be
classed as a Comedy, that is, if it be
si ill allowable by the kind permission of
the late respected lexicographer, l>r.
SAMUEL JOHNSON, so to consider l>r.
( >LIVER GOLDSMITH'S She Stoops to GW'/mr,
to which class of Dramatic composition
this piece belongs. It is a pretty play,
of a somewhat old-fashioned type, with a
fascinatingly wilful girl-heroine, horothy
Mi-lrillf, cleverly played by Miss ANMI.
HUGHES, who, masquerading at a ball, as
a petit-maitrc just imported from Paris,
is one of the daintiest little persons ever
seen on the English stage. The piece
is uncommonly well rendered by every-
one concerned in its production, which
is saying a great deal where there are
over thirty dramatis personce.
In the First Act the stage manage-
ment of the action, which leads up to
the most telling climax in the hurried
Gretna Green marriage, is admirable.
The earlier part of the last Act, the
scene in the school-room, 5 A.M., still
requires just that careful rehearsal which
the previous Acts have obtained, as the
sly but nervous girls creeping about
at that hour, fearing detection, would
never dare to talk as loudly as they do,
still less to scream.
Mr. BARNES, as Sir John Vane, the
testy, warm-hearted, pugnacious old
father of the Sir Anthony Absolute type,
is excellent ; and not a point is lost by
either actor or actress in the scenes
between him and the naughty lovable
little Dorothy.
Well played by Mr. BEN WEBSTER is
Murray Vane, the old Squire's hot-
headed son, who, when noticing cursed
and disinherited, is being heartily wel-
comed by his preposterous parent.
Mr. FRANK COOPER, as "Murray's
Guide " and philosophic self-sacrificing
friend, David Pugh, gives force to a part
that might otherwise have dwindled into
a person of no importance.
^ The landlady of the " King's Head,"
Grelna (li-eeu, is a strong character
sketch, by Mrs. E. H. BROOKE, as also is
1,'i'i/ln'it Linmj, the blacksmith who forges
the links of matrimony, as portrayed by
Mr. BREWER: After the blacksmith must
be mentioned the Colliers nl Mr. ATIIKUM;
FARRAR, a fop of the period, and his three
friends Ca/it. Hard;/, l.i,-uti'iiaitls Green
irnod and Delrny, gaily and gallantly
played by Messrs. ARDALE, FRANCIS, am'!
TIIAIIP. Mr. SYDNEY HI.IIW'S sketch of the
recently arrived young Parisian Mmir'n-c
Vernon is done to just the turn that
such a piquante cnlt;',' iand exit) should
be. Hiss I-'.THKI. MATHEWS as Lady Rose,
having little to do beyond looking very
"Poos FREDDIE! DID YOUB Moron TIIKOW YOU CUT?"
"On, 'NO! I'VE BEEN TEACHING MY WIFE TO H.IY GOLF!"
pretty, succeeds in this without the
slightest effort.
The two school-mistresses, Miss INA
GOLDSMITH (a name most appropriate in
this connection) and Miss MARGARET
MURRAY (another equally happy surname,
when associated with teaching of gram-
mar), do all that can possibly be expected
of them when representing such highly
respectable dames. The amusing danc-
ing and deportment lesson for the girls
at the commencement of the Second Act
narrowly escapes an encore, and to the
success of this entire scene Mr. BELLAMY'S
humorous and highly finished sketch of
the eccentric dancing-master largely con-
triliutes. In this amusing scene suivlv
the dancing-master, instead of waving a
baton, should play a "kit" while he
instructs his pupils in their dance ?
As he does not do this, whence is the
music supposed to come ?
Perhaps it is this scene that suggests
the notion of Mr. MAX PKMUERTON'S having
another development for his Finishing
School by turning it into a "musical
comedy," or frankly "a comic opera,"
for which it is in every particular of plot,
costume and character precisely fitted ;
and had not the name been already taken
and used with notable success the best
title for it would have been simply
Dorothy. However here it is as a comedy,
and if author and leading actress will
remember that on the stage "compres-
sion is the better part of valour," they
may, by deft manipulation of materials,
shorten the play, likewise the entr'actes,
and lengthen the run.
DEADLY LIVELY JAPS. — The successful
Japanese Military Commanders are con-
stantly engaged in executing "Happy
Despatches " (to the papers) without
committing suicide.
LONDON CIIAPJVAPJ.
[Jui.Y G, 1904.
OUR MR. JABBERJEE IN
XII.
Same address, Seoid, Korea.
YOUR esteemed issues of from April 20 to May 25, inclusive,
are now to liand-from which T am pleased to note thai you
have already inserted about half a dozen of my despatches.
Mao I have the honour to acknowledge your cheque-draft
for a sum which is ludicrously below the market-value ot
said communications. Even the Editor of GhMagong Conch
—whom you would probably consider a mere heathen— has
bled far more freely, besides passing several most flowen
compliments on my literary stylishness, correctness of
tion, et cetera !
Of course if London journalisms are just now so slumped
that even such a prominent periodical as Punch cannot aftord
more than very very meagre emoluments to its best contri-
butor, I can only bow my head in the devout and fervent
prayer that you may soon be more profusely irradiated by
the Sun of Prosperity.
If on the other hand, you are still keeping nose above
water then I must respectfully submit that it is surely
infra dig for such an Old Pa and Methusalem of hebdominal
humourists as yourself to be outdone in liberality by a native
Chittagong contemporary.
As a conscientious, I cannot undertake to supply you any
longer with best brain-work so much under cost price !
And I must again give you the candid hint that I am
getting devilishly annoyed by your systematic snubbery !
In spite of my dignified protests and abject entreaties, you
still persist in interpolating atrociously cynical and sceptical
pin-pricks into my text— as if to insinuate that your readera
are not to regard it precisely as Gospel truth ! . . . Why
:not, please, allow them— since they are no chickens— to
• j udge for themselves ?
How can you reasonably expect that I am to risk my lite
and limb iii sanguinary shindies and skirmishes, when I am
perpetually paralysed by the almost certitude that you would
decline to credit the sad news of my untimely decease, even
if personally vouched for by the sworn affidavit of myself?
Sharpest sting of all is the parsimonious non possumus
with which : you refuse me the most ordinary professiona
n jcessities. Over and over again have I modestly petitionec
that I might be recouped out-of-pocket expenses, incurred for
a riding-crock, a wireless telegraphing-pole, hotel-score at
Port Arthur, and similar what-nots. Have you on anj
single occasion added so much as a stiver to my screw or
account of said items ? . . . Even you must make the shame
faced admission that your answer is in the negative !
Why not, indeed, since you have pursued a like penurious
policy with regard to disbursements which were solely fo
the honour and glorification of Punch, such as manufacture
of Punch idol, purchase of josshouse for same, expenses o
inaugural ceremony, and upkeep? Pray, why should I paj
the piper for blowing your trumpet ?
As the matter of fact, I may inform you that my payment
assumed the shape of I 0. U.'s, and that the Bonze i
threatening that, unless he is soon to receive harder cash
he will infallibly desecrate the shrine by putting in som
legal distraint or other, and not only render the idol ar
insolvent, but denounce it publicly as a pinchbeck claptrap
which is incapable to perform a miracle for nuts !
A sad blow in the eye for prestige of Punch if it were t
be published in the streets of Albion— but "tul'asvouli
Mister GKOHQE DINDON ! " You cannot gobble your ginger
bread and keep the gilt on it too !
I will say nothing of your ingratitude for innumerabl
splendid gifts and trophies of which you have been th
lucky recipient — to wit, a tiger's whisker and claws,
fine bearskin, and other articles which have escaped froi
ly recollection. Knowing your idiosyncrasies, I did not at
Y expect any equivalent-still you might at least have
lade me the curtsey of a nude acknowledgment !
Perhaps vou may be still nibbling at my magnanimous
ffer of shares in a rather opulent coal-mine tor which 1 was
.oving Heaven and Earth to obtain a concession i
If so you are now several days after the fair-for, owing
o your procrastination in supplying me with dibs to do the
eedful said mine has now been picked up from under my
ose l>v 'i Russian syndicate, who are confident that, as soon
B the Japanese armies are evacuated from Korea, it is to
urn out as lucrative as the fabulous territory of
md pity that Punch should be such a pusillanimous as
0 lose a pot of money by letting "I dare not" wait upon
I would," like a poor faint-hearted cat cooped up in an
dage ! However, do not shake your gory bristles at myse
—for you cannot say that I did it !
Naturally such editorial insouciance has so profoundly
epressed me that I have had no heart to collect any very
uthentic crumbs from Bellona's banquet. Cm bono ? since,
n any case, you are too sophisticated to swallow them !
However, I will hazard the mention of a report which
Vlajor DROSCHKYVITCH has just received from a reliabl
3t Petersburgian authority, to the effect that ' the Cossacks
re very pleased with their Lances." This is official- though,
trangely enough, it omits to mention Japanese opinion c
aid weapons.
I am relieved to hear that Russian strategists do not now
ttach any importance to Port Arthur, which they assert is,
ike pie-crust, intended to be broken. So, I suppose, when
he pie is opened, the birds will commence to sing!
Recently I was a delighted spectator of a magnificent
dramatic entertainment by a Korean company, consisting ot a
single-handed tragedian, who performed a thrilling melodrama
with innumerable acts, scenes and characters on a mat of
rery moderate dimensions. And, as soon as he had worked
the audience into a palpitating stew of excitement over some
sensational climax, he would pull up and send round his hat
for sen before he could be prevailed upon to continue.
Here I am rather tempted to embark myself on a compara-
tive view of the Korean and British dramas, with the critical
inquiry as to which of the two (if either) is in the more
advanced state of decay— but again cut bono? since probably
1 should merely be chucking precious pearls before- 1 am
not to say "a swine"— but a Public which prefers some
music-hall comedy to a classical tragedy-drama like Mr.
Frankenstein ! .
Moreover — whether from the notorious insalubrity i
Korean climate, or whether I have contracted any diseases
from too constant nursing of Sho-ji— I am feeling sadly out
of gear and good for nothing.
The Korean vet. (whom, in the absence of a more general
practitioner, I have been compelled to call in) reports that he
cannot detect any incurable bodily diagnosis, but is of the
opinion that it is my mind which is being diseased by
unkindness of some person or persons unknown, thereby
occasioning indescribable cataclysms in pit of stomach.
He assures me that, if I could only experience some windfall
(as, for instance, a kind and encouraging letter enclosing
handsome tip) I should immediately buck up and become fit
as a trivet.
Otherwise he has emitted the dismal prediction that 1
may at any moment pop off impromptu like a candle-snuff !
If I am doomed to die the death of a doorsnail, unsym-
pathetic Sir, I shall leave instructions that, after I have
become a post obit, the fleshly triangle of my heart is to be
carefully packed up and forwarded, carriage paid, to your
London address.
And when you have received such article, you will perhaps
,liiv (i, ]'.)() I.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARI VAIM.
i-
THE NATIONAL GAME. OUR VILLAGE CRICKET CLUB.
WE HAD THIRTY SECONDS LEFT BEFORE THE TIME FOB DRAWING STUMPS. OUR TWO LAST MEN WERE IN, AND WE WANTED ONE RUN TO TIE
AND TWO TO WIN. IT WAS THE MOST EXCITING FlNISH ON RECORD.
i should you condescend to inspect same at all closely) be
dumbfounded to discover, through the misty blind of your
tears, that, my said organ is indelibly engraved with the
hallowed name of llon'ble 1'iiiifli !
In the meantime I have the honour to regretfully infonn
you that, for the above indicated reasons, this War-corre-
spondence- must now cease. H. B. J.
[ Kn. ( VM. % a curious roinritlrnce we had already cabled
to Mr. JADBEIUEE in /iirr.isely the same terms^\
T1IK END.
ARCHITECTURAL BEAUTIES.
[" It is obvious that he must be a man of exceptionally original
ideas \\lh> ran iiiM-nl any new form of comparison for the physical
(•harms uf his l;nlv love. Dun- we surest that woman's features have
mini' in assume (lie position of architecture, and that we can only go
on copying what lias already lien, written aliout them ? "— Temple Bur. |
OBSERVE the ordinary rhymester's quest,
Inspired by no particular alllatus
Whereby he may in worthy mode attest
Ili.s lady's form and facial apparatus.
Tin- tn>|>cs are getting somewhat hackneyed now
That bards have trotted out in sheep- like fashion
Spring after spring, when yearning to avow
In amatory verse each tender passion.
Those similes — I 'm sure we know them well,
To wit, the swan-like neck, lips like a cherry,
The teeth resembling pearls, the ear a shell,
Orbs like a sloe (why not a whortleberry ?)
Nature, we hear, is like an architect,
And duly stereotypes her beauteous creatures ;
Stay ! here 's a hint — a novel dialect
Wherein to catalogue the fair one's features !
Address, then, if your paragon you'd win,
The Decorated cheek that she possesses,
Her Norman e3rebrow-arch, her Pointed chin,
Renaissance figure and Transition tresses.
But sing with reticence of " squint "-like eyes,
Be sparing of " facade," when " face " were fitter,
Nor celebrate a " frieze " where " fringe " applies.
Such technicalities might cause a titter !
Tin. Evening Citizen (Glasgow) refers to the honour of
knighthood conferred upon Professor DEWAU, "the eminent
scientist, who, while occupying the Chair of Chemistry in
the Itoyal Institution, London, was born in the little town of
Kincardine-on-Forth."
This, we believe, is a record in Infant Precocity.
NOTE BY EMINENT HISTORIAN. — The worst time for Light
Literature was during the Dark Ages.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 6, 1904.
SENSATIONAL CRICKET.
Mr. Punch' 's i Special Report.
ON June 31, on Sir Gilbert Parker's Piece, at Oxbridge,
was played a match between : Mr. D. L. A. JEW ISDN'S Eleven
anil the Omar Khayyam Club, led by Dr. RoBERTSON'Nicou..
Mi: I'unch has been fortunate in obtaining several special
accounts, including the point of view of each of the gifted
captains. The full score is appended :—
MR. D. L. A. JEPHSON'S XL
P. F. Warner, not out 275
C. B. Fry, not out 387
Extras 131
K. S. Ranjitsinhji, Iremonger, Hirst, R. H. Spooner, G. L.
Jessop, Storer, Rhodes, Cuttell, and D. L. A. Jephson, to bat.
THE OMAR KHAYYAM CLUB.
FIRST INNINGS.
Sir Gilbert Parker, b Cuttell 14
J. H. Choate, b Cuttell ...... 2
L. F. Austin, c Spooner, .,
b Rhodes 21
H. Newbolt, b Hirst 33
Adrian Ross, c Jephson,
b Hirst , 4
A. Birrell, not out 102
Sir Douglas Straight, run out 1 3
D. B.W. Sladen.B.A., LL.B.,
L.B.W., b Hirst ' 5
C. K. Shorter, b Cuttell 10
E. Clodd, c& bFry 2
Dr.RobertsonNicoll,b Rhodes 0
Extras 8
SECOND INNINGS.
c Spooner, b Rhodes 23
b Cuttell 11
c Warner, b Rhodes 43
run out 17
c Hirst, b Rhodes
not out
b Hirst .
1
9(J
6
st. Storer, b. Jephson 4
run out 2
c & b Fry 1
b Rhodes 0
Extras C
220
213
THE SPHERICAL POINT OF VIEW.
By G. K. Shorter.
I have in my library an unique literary treasure, consisting
of a copy of the immortal Rubaiydt in the first Persian
edition, containing my name in the author's autograph.
Being but an indifferent Persian scholar, I have hitherto
been unable to read the flattering inscription, but; on being
bowled to-day by a very good ball from CUTTELL (who is, I
am informed, a grandson of the delightful old mariner in
DICKENS'S brilliant story, Dombey and Son) I took advantage
of the lull in the game to ask Prince RANJITSINIIJI kindly to
decipher the passage for me. This ho did with characteristic
readiness, and I am now in the enviable position of being
able to tell my expectant readers how it runs : — " To the
Bud of Editorship, the Mirror of Clubmen, the Rose of
Eloquence, and the Nutmeg of Criticism, from his friend
and admirer 0. K." Had I not played in this ever-to-be-
remembered match I might never have obtained the transla-
tion : I had for years asked in vain among the members of
the Club. C. K. S.
NOTES ON THE GAME.
By P. F. Warner.
The match, which was closely contested, ended in a
victory for Mr. JEPHSON'S XI. by an innings and several runs
to spare. The principal scorers for the winners were CHAKLES
FRY and myself.
The bowling analysis of the Omar Khayyamites is too
tragic a document to reproduce, but it may be said that Mr.
CHOATE, who trundled well, was very unlucky, both men being
missed off him, FRY when he had made 386, and I when my
figures stood at 273. Had these chances been accepted there
is no knowing how the match might have ended.
For the losers Mr. BIRRELL surprised all expectations. His
innings were superb compilations, and he will now, no doubt,
get his blue.
Mr. AIWIAN Ross was unlucky, but he hit one ball very
finely over the Ropes.
Mr. SLADEN'S initials and degrees were too much for him,
one of (hr latter bringing about his downfall in the first
innings.
Nothing but my good fortune in holding a bad catch
prevented Mr. AUSTIN from adding to his very useful score.
Mr. SHORTER at one point delayed the game considerably
by engaging RANJITSINHJI in a literary discussion on the field.
They had at last to be parted by the umpires (SHERWIN and
GOSSE).
THE 0. K. POINT OF VIEW.
By Claudius Clear.
I am informed that the circulation of C. B. Fry's Magazine
is not yet equal to that of The Expositor.
Mr. P. F. WARNER'S book on the Recovery of the Ashes
having done so well, he has undertaken to prepare for Messrs.
HODDEB AND STOUGHTON a theological treatise on the Ember
Days. It was a pleasing thought that Mr. WARNER interrupted
his honeymoon to meet us to-day in friendly contest. In the
tea interval he created a sensation by drinking Tatcho and
Apollinaris.
1 am glad to be able to announce that during the lunch
interval Mr. SPOONER completed the arrangements for
publishing a new book through a firm which he describes as
Messrs. STODDER AND HOUGHTON.
RHODES seemed to me a very nice young fellow, though not
so tall as Mr. MAX PEMBERTON, whose new book, by the way,
is selling well.
My friend Mr. SHORTER kept a good length, but Sir DOUGLAS
STRAIGHT was frequently off the wicket.
I was surprised to see how sunburnt Prince RANJITSINHJI
has become. 0. 0.
WHAT You GET, WILLY-NILLY.
By D. L. A. Jephson.
Yesterday's cricket contained many tit-bits for the epicure.
The most consistent bat in the country, CHARLES FRY, and the
player with the most polished head, PLUM WARNER, both laid
another coat of paint on their over-vermilioned doorways !
A translation of Omar Khayyam runs thus : —
One moment in Annihilation's waste,
One moment, of the Well of Life to taste —
The stars are setting and the Caravan
Starts for the Dawn of Nothing — oh make haste !
And it struck me that the "poor old 0. K." caravan are
tasting very little water from the " Well qf Life " this season.
The 0. K.'s, in spite of their BENJAMIN'S portion of leather
hunting, fielded remarkably well all along, and, in the words
of WILLIAM MORRIS, " Fellowship on a fielding side is Heaven,
and lack of fellowship is — not."
CHOATE'S cutting was superb. The ball left his bat with
a nasal twang that I shall never forget.
Every game leads to one of two termini, a win or a loss.
There is also a draw, which I forgot when I composed the
first sentence, and now and then a tie too. This shows the
danger of being epigrammatic. Better be direct like dear
old TOM RICHARDSON, my quondam whilom associate.
BIRRELL'S two innings were great. You ought to have
seen the smile on the face of the genial AUG.
Good old GILLY played well too, but the Red and White
Hoses were too much for him.
Good old Everybody !
That's all for to-day ; but to-morrow vou've got to have
it again.
-li-i.v 6, 1904.]
ITNCII. OR THE LONDON CHAR1YAIM
CHARIVARI A.
AcnuiiMMi tn all reports, both KIM:
and K.MSKlt were in excellent spirits at
Kiel. Indeed, at times I hex liehavod
like a couple of schoolboys. Aiming
other things they actually changed
clothes, the KAISKI: appearing 88 a
British Admiral and the KIM,
as a (iiTinan one.
It is confidently hoped that
the Russian ships which re-
cently sallied forth from Port
Arthur and \vere injured will
soon he repaired and he in a
condition to bo injured again.
General BOOTH denies that
there has recently lieen a
slump in recruiting for the
Army.
It is rumoured that, as a
result of liis inters iexv with
the KINO, the General will
shortly be made a Field-
Jlarslml.
It looks as if war in Morocco
were now inevitable. At any
rate the Moroccan Minister of
War has left Tangier for the
Continent.
King PETER of Servia was
last week the guest of honour
of the 7th Infantry Regiment,
which carried out the assas-
sination of his predecessor in
office. His Majesty has ex-
pressed the hope that he may
be their guest for many year's
to come.
The Rev. FORIIES PHILLIPS,
in an attempt to upset the
statistics of church attendance,
has made a confession which
does no little credit to his
honesty. Talking about his
own church, he states, " The people who
come one Sunday do not come every
Sunday."
According to the Express, there art-
two children in New Jersey who weigh
between them .'535 Ibs., and one of them
"thinks nothing of demolishing a dozen
eggs at a sitting." We should have
thought that he could easily have
crashed more than that.
will, stipulated that his estate of £10,000
shall go to his widow and children, pro-
vided that none of them shall become
addicted to intoxicating liquor during
the next live years. The orgie which
will, we presume, take place at the
end of that period should be worth
seeing.
inhabitants of Xion City are saying
that the punishment is not a bit tot
A CASE OF TU QUOQUE.
She. "HOW DO YOD LIKE MY NEW HAT?"
Sutherland Highlander. "BY JOVE, WHAT EXTRAORDINARY HEADGEAR
YOU WOMEN DO WEAR ! "
Lord ItosKni ifY likened himself, at the
inaugural meeting of the ( 'ity of London
United Liberal Association, to a Salva-
tionist. Certainly, not long ago. he had
— r something to do with a
1 booth.
A Staffordshire labourer
has been charged with at-
tempting to murder his wife
because she had drunk some
of his beer. If a conviction
be obtained it will conn
cruel surprise to hundreds of
thousands of husbands, and
the result of what is looked
upon as a test case is anxiously
awaited.
A valuable contribution to
I the problem of our dwindling
! population has been supplied
'•by some statistics which show
I 'that there are more doctors
in England in proportion to
its numbers than in any other
country.
The Faculty are recom-
mending patients with slug-
gish livers to walk on all
fours for twenty minutes four
times a day. It is possible
that a portion of the Row will
be set aside for the purpose.
We are requested to deny
the statement which has been
very widely circulated to the
effect that fanners in every
part of England are rejoicing
1 over the record hay crop.
1 Fanners never rejoice, and the
report has caused much pain
to those concerned.
It is almost too horrible to believe,
but it is rumoured that several persons
are deliberately waiting until it is too
late to accept " The Times" offer to
prospective subscribers.
An American gentleman has, in his
In Madagascar, unmarried men are
made to pay an annual fine. It is said
to be the only tax that is paid with
perfect cheerfulness.
Mrs. ASQUITH plays golf bare-headed
on the St. Andrews links. Reverence
for the game can surely go no further
than this.
London is feeling sorry to-day. To
greet Dr. DOWIE on his return to Zion
City, a triumphant arch of imitation
stone was erected, on each block of
which was inscribed the name of a city
visited by the prophet on his recent
tour. Cities which welcomed him were
inscribed in black letters : others in
red. London was in red, and the
THE Daily Mull makes the following
frank admission : —
"The fact that the Daily M«il sent a repre-
sentative as a steerage passenger to New York
from London has awakened the New York
Press to the grave consequences which the
wholesale unloading of aliens may have for
America."
How TO CURE RHEUMATISM FOR TWOPENCE.—
Is. 6d. post free. — Advt. in Surrey Mirror.
We recommend this investment for
cats with nine lives. It would just go
round.
LICENSING BILL. — Parliamentary majo-
rity is suffering from severe attack t.f
" Beery-Beery."
SWEET HAY-TIME.
Extract from Ethel's Correspondence .— " JACK AND HIS Consm TURNED up UNEXPECTEDLY LAST THURSDAY, AND WE AU, WEST Ast >
ONE OF THE NEIGHBOURING FARMERS GET IN HIS HAY. EVERYBODY GOES 'BACK TO TUB LAND NOWADAYS, YOU KNOW. ^ E WoRkEI.
HARD, BUT THE FARMER MAN WASN'T A BIT GRATEFUL— IN FACT, HE SEEMED QUITE STUFFY ABOUT 80MET1
THE NEW THEATRE AND THE OLD PIECE.
MR. HENRY ARTHUR JONES'S comedy of The Liars deserves
to be ranked among the classics of the Victorian Era. Its
freshness, which is that of an entire novelty, is perfectly
preserved by the admirable cast provided for it by Sir
CHARLES WYNDHAM. As good wine improves with age, so do j
some good plays, and this one is an example in point. Its
weak feature, as occasionally happens with our HENRY ARTHUR, j
is the last Act. Here is our old friend the man hiding
behind the curtain, for which situation HENRY ARTHUR has
a deeply-rooted affection, as instanced in his latest comedy
at the Haymarket.
Sir CHARLES WYNDHAM, as Colonel Sir Christopher Derinfj,
gives us the very best taste of his quality, modulating his
tone from grave to gay, from lively to severe. The most
difficult parts, viz., Edward Falkner, gallant hero and
seducer, Gilbert Nepean, the uncouth husband, and his
brother George Nepean, the suspicious sneak, are admirably
rendered, "with conviction" is the modern phrase, by Mr.
DENNIS EADIE, Mr. EILLE NORWOOD and Mr. BERTRAM STKKH.
As the earnest noodle, Freddy Tatton, Mr. SAM SOTIIF.KX is
delightful ; and Mr. A. BISHOP absolutely irresistible as the
fussy, correct and old-fashioned husband of the accommo-
dating Dolly Coke, so amusingly rendered by Miss SARAH
BROOKE.
The modem easy-going married woman with the whip-
hand of her nervously weak spouse is played to the life by
Miss ENID SPENCER - BRUNTON ; and equally good is Miss
CYNTHIA BROOKE, whose Beatrice Ebcrnoe belongs to the modern
school for scandal. As honest and hearty Mrs. Crespin,
Miss LILIAN WALDEGRAVE seconds Sir CHARI.I-.S WYNDHAM in a
rather trying scene in the last Act of the play. Miss SYBIL
WILLIAMS' slight part of Lady Jessica's -maid Ferns is given
its full importance in the scheme without being in the least
overdone.
Miss MARY MOORE has rarely had a better part, nor a more
trying one, except, perhaps, in The Tyranny of Tears, than
that of the tete de linotte Lady Jessica Nepean, where all
the art consists in never once gaining the sympathy of the
audience for this amusing and irritating character.
The Liars should be in for another long run, as it is one
of the best acted and most amusing pieces now to be seen
in London.
THERE has recently been started a question as to the origin
and meaning of the conjuror's words, "Hanky-panky." With
that we are not at present concerned, but when there were
financial troubles in which more than one big commercial
house was involved the general term used for the state of
affairs was " Hankv-Bankv." •
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JULY 6, 1901.
FUTILE FALCONRY.
FALOONKR BAI.FOUR. " 0 FOR A ... VOICE
TO LURE THIS TASSKL-GENTLE BACK AGAIN. "-Br.m.0 a
t, Act II., Sc. 2.
JULY 6, 1901.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
13
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
F.XTIUOTF.n FROM TIIK DlABY OF ToBY, M.I'.
II, ,iixi- of Cotamoru, Monday, June -i
On 1'Yiilay, .li'iix LKMS, in hi* |"'r
snasivc style, suggested that as House
and cniiiiti-y have had enough of bes|
of all Governments they had better
retire. IVivi: . \nnint with equal bland
ness took opportunity <if intimating to
whom it. might concern that if Minis
terialists are not in more constant attend-
ance at crack of ACLAKD-HOOD'S whip he
will throw up sponge.
To-ilay first, meeting of House after
circulation of warning word. Curious
to test its effect Opposition promptly
challenged division. Some anxious
moments followed. Obviously forces
pretty equally divided. Would the
Government scrape through ? They did
— by a bare majority of 38, less than
half their normal majority, a round
dozen below what it stood at last week
before PRINCE ARTHUR issued note of
solemn warning.
Different thing in case of quite too
brief week-end Session on board P. & 0.
steam yacht, Vectis. 1 1. SI. TOM SUTHER-
LAND Rex (P. & 0.) having issued sum-
monses to Members of both Houses for
special Session there was rush to obey.
Recurring to earlier Parliamentary cus-
tom when the Session was held at Oxford
and elsewhere than Westminster, Parlia-
ment, gathering at Gravesend, boarded
the stately yacht.
Punctually at one o'clock on Satur-
day afternoon the SPEAKER, who was
attended by his Private Secretary
and accompanied by Sir COURTENAY
ILIIKRT, Clerk of the House, took the
Chair (at the luncheon table). First
Order of the Day was to cast Imse
from the wharf and steam out to sea.
Progress reported in the Downs. Usual
adjournment for dinner-hour. Once
more the difference between conduct of
Members on the Vectis and at West-
minster painfully marked. At the latter
nine o'clock brings fresh pang to the
faithful bosom of the PINK 'UN.
Anxiously he counts his men straggling
in and wonders what the next hour may
bring forth. On the Vectis not a Mem-
ber missing when the bell chimed nine
o'clock, attendance being maintained up
to midnight, when the cry, " Who goes
home?" rang through the smoking-
room.
On Sunday steamed down Channel
under blue sky over shimmering sea,
skirting the green fields and gleaming
white cliffs, which never looked more
beautiful. In addition to Members of
both Houses there were a good many
"strangers," each eminent in his pro-
fession ; a social salad deftly mixed.
After prayers in the late afternoon,
anchored off Netley, in full view of the
glory of the setting sun.
On Monday morning all the really
responsible men, the bees of the busy
hive of 1/Jiidon, went back by early
morning train to work. People who
never would be missed made another day
of it, going on in the ship to Tilbury,
where it is hoped they spoke no scandal
about Queen KLI/AHKTIJ.
A touching scene marked the parting
of this first contingent. Amid the
crowd on the upper deck waving fare-
well st(X)d a strange solitary figure.
Ivoiinil his head a bath towel was folded
! urbanwise ; his tall spare figure was clad
in long loose garment girdled with
bright colour. On his otherwise bare
feet shone a pair of s-.mdals, primrose in
Vet another Infant — " in maiden meditation
fancy free."
Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n. "To quote a well-known
expression of my right hon. friend's, ' I am a
child in these matters.' "
hue. In his mouth was a cigarette ; in
his right eye a rimless glass; over his
dark countenance a look of supernatural
gravity, lightened now and then by a
gleam of humour ; a face that suggested
associations combining Bagdad and
Dublin.
At first sight the awed crowd in the
tender, looking up from the humbled
level of their boat, thought it was one of
the Lascars in his Sunday clothes.
Then a whisper ran round that it was a
mad fakir. It was neither. It was Major-
General Sir JOHN ARDAGH, K.C.M.G.,
K.C.I.E., C.B., Director of the Intelli-
gence Department at one of the most
ritical stages in English history.
I well remember in the dark December
week that saw GATACRE driven back
from Stormberg, MKTIIUKX repulsed at
.Magersfontein, BULLER checked in at-
tempt to cross theTugela, how righteous
anger rang through the country at
administrative mismanagement that
made such things possible. Looking
about lor a \ictim, people fell upon
the Intelligence I Vpart ment . What's
the use of an Intelligence Department,
it, was asked, that allows a rich and
powerful country to stumble into pitfalls
prepared by the slim lioer?
S.MIK then told me how he had heard
on unimpeachable authority that long
before the outbreak of the war, the
Intelligence Department under JOHN
A u 1 1 AC H conveyed to the proper quarter
the fullest, minutest information with
respect to military preparations and
resources of the Boers; warning lightly
regarded by highly placed persons at
j home, tragically verified as soon as the
I first gun was fired. Incredible as it
seemed, even on the testimony of so well-
informed a person, it was later authenti-
' cated in evidence given before the War
Commission.
And here on this June morning is
JOHN ARDAGH, his helmet now a hive for
bees, lolling over the taffrail of the
Vectis, wondering when these chaps
will get away, let him go off, get into
his morning clothes, and so to breakfast.
" ARDAGH," says RATHMORE, looking up
laughingly at his old college chum,
" was not at first intended for War Office
service. I think science was his earliest
love. When he turned aside and entered
the Royal Engineers we called him;
' Military ARDAGH.' "
I'nxiness done. — Speaker gets back
to Westminster. House in Committee
on Licensing Bill.
Ilmtsc of Ijords, Tuesday. — The LORD
CHANCELLOR doesn't like flippancy, es-
pecially when practised by a Marquis
and directed against the Woolsack.
This afternoon LONDONDERRY, of all men,
guilty of this crime. Led into it partly
by the heat, the glut of strawberries,
and attempt by BEAUCHAMP to carry
second reading of Bill enabling women'
to act as members of County Councils
and the like.
LORD CiLVNCELi/)R came down upon
proposal literally like cartload of bricks.
BEAUCHAMP, the mildest-mannered man
that ever governed a Colony, shrunk
with visible terror when LORDCHANCELLOR,
throwing back with angry gesture a
flap of his wig, turned upon him with
scathing remark, " This Bill is part of
the agitation going on to place women
in exactly the same position as men."
Think of it !
LONDONDERRY did, and came to con-
clusion that it really wasn't so monstrous
after all. In fact, he argued, that if it
was right for women' to 'exercise the
political franchise there was no reason
11
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 6, 1904.
why they should not become Members
of Parliament, represent Launceston, and
work their way up until, in process of
ime, one occupied the position of the
noble and learned Lord on the Wool-
sack.
Peers languidly tittered. LORD CHAN-
CELLOR gasped. This kind of thing very
well, he supposed, in places like a mus^ic-
mll or the House of Commons. To
.ntroduce it into the Lords, with the
servants in the room, and a stray stranger
n the Gallery, was playing it a little
low. Some comfort from PORTSMOUTH,
who, looking more than ever like
Camlet in prosperous circumstances,
aid down the axiom that a woman's
3olitics (like her fortune) should be
;he politics of her husband.
SARK, reviewing the last eighteen
years, and having particular cases in
tiis mind, observes that under this or-
dinance the wife loyally desiring to
march apace with her husband would
have to be particularly agile in her
movements.
Business done. — PRINCE ARTHUR has bad
time in the Commons. Adjournment
moved from his own side in order to
force Ministerial statement with respect
to promised scheme of Army organisation.
ARNOLD-FORSTEU replying, confessed that
his predecessor's latest scheme of reform
" has created a situation the seriousness
of which it would be difficult to
exaggerate." At morning sitting another
Ministerial revolt against proposal to
report progress in order to include in
Licensing Bill an amendment not wholly
acceptable to The Trade.
House of Commons, Friday. — Long
time since we had good bull trotted
out in House. Place too dull now, even
for bovine enterprise. SAUNUERSON re-
moved reproach. Talk about outbreak
at Lurgan, where stones were thrown.
"Yes," said the Colonel, "they do
throw stones at Lurgan. When I was
Member for Cavan one hit me on the
head. It weighed 4 Ibs. 8 oz. Luckily
my head is very thick,, so I had it made
into a paper-weight."
Obviously that not quite what the
Colonel meant to say. But what SAUN-
DERSON has said he has said ; indeed
lie has since illustrated by a sketch
what he didn't mean to say.
No Irishman can do more than that.
Business done. — PRINCE ARTHUR pro-
poses to closure the Licensing Bill.
Interesting Table-ornament at Castle
son, Belturbet, co. Cavan.
son, Belturbet, co. Cavai
" Luckily my head is very thick,
made into a paper-weight."
(Col. E. J. S-nd-rs-n.)
so
Saunder-
I had it
NOT so GREAT AN INNOVATION AFTER ALL.
If a lady jdid really " coine to occupy the position of the noble and learned Lord 011 the
Woolsack," the change would not visually be so very startling ; the eye having become somewhat
prepared for it in recent years
RECEIVING ORDER.
In re J. Pluvius (lately trading as the
Meteorological Council, Limited, and
carrying on business in Victoria
Street, S.W.).
THE Weather Office is to be wound up,
and the British climate will, in future,
be regulated by the Board of Agricul-
ture. We have long suspected that the
Clerk of the Weather's business was not
a going concern. The stock has been
extensively watered of late, especially
during last " summer," and now the
crash has come, after flooding the
markets. The finishing touch was
given the other day by the report that
the Gulf Stream had petered out and
failed to meet its obligations. Wireless
telegraphy also has exercised a disturb-
ing effect on transatlantic samples, while
cyclones have been much too bullish.
The Leonids were of the wild-cat order,
and declared no dividend whatever, in
spite of phenomenal booming. There
has been a corner in radium, and hence
a deficiency of solar heat. Even Saturn
has not escaped his ring. The Derby
was turned into a Regatta. Altogether,
the meteorological import and export
trade has been dislocated during the
past few years, and the confidence of
the public 'thoroughly shaken. The
uncertainty attending Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S
Fiscal Policy has doubtlessly affected
the barometer. We hope the new
brooms of the Board of Agriculture will
sweep clean, and attend strictly to busi-
ness, and not allow it to rain cats as
well as clogs during the coming dog-days.
-Tn.v 0, 11)01.]
PUNCH, OK Tin-; LONDON CIIAKIVAUI.
15
i
\
PRETTY DRY.
\ nuitij lityiniifi- (tidiintj ii-ilh dry fly). "Ax I KEEPING MY FLY PROPERLY DRY, DUNCAN?"
Scuteli Ke,'in-r. "Ou, I'M TIIENKIN' SIIE'LL BE oav ENOUOH: SUE'S STICKIN' UP is TD\T BIO WILWW SEIE BY WUERE YE STARTED FUSHIN'.
16
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 6, 1904.
OPERATIC NOTES.
Saturday, June 25. — In most respects that great artiste
Madame CALV£ is an ideal Cat-men. And, tins being so, it is
a pity that she should somewhat mar her impersonation by
No one, of course, blamed M. HEROLD, yet it was noble of
M. DUFRICHE so generously to "take his part."
Signer SCOTTI gave a spirited impersonation of the
Toreador, who, like the Postilion de Longjumeau, is
"Joujours gai," but for all that the great song was not so
Don Jose takes the chair at a private meeting. Carmen proves herself good at figures.
|
HIDE AND SEEK.
Don Jose1 Dufriche and Carmen Calve.
" Catch as catch can."
the un-Cannenlike shawl-drapery worn by her in the Second
Act, where she is supposed to be a leading spirit in bacchic
orgies, and by not playing the castanets in the danse d' amour
with which she fascinates her impressionable and impulsive
lover Don Jose. Madame CALVE prefers to wave her arms
about and to make
mesmeric passes
over the head and
before the eyes of
her enamoured
swain, while all the
time the castanets,
which Carmencita
ought to be playing
as the only accom-
paniment to her
winning voice and
seductive action,
are "heard with-
out," and thus the
scene is shorn of a
part of its realism,
and the audience is
comparatively dis-
illusioned. Still, it
is CALVE'S Carmen,
and, popularised as
such, it attracts a
crammed house and
evokes rare enthu-
siasm.
M. HEROLD being
suddenly incapaci-
VE.->IV^,,J, tated, M. DUFRICHE
played Don Jose at
The Ruffian Dan-caire-a-- - M. Gilibert. very short notice.
great as usual, though it was followed by a dropping fire of
applause which Signer SCOTTI was well advised not to return
with an " encore verse."
M. GILIBERT and Herr REISS were excellent as the two biggest
knaves in the pack, as also were Mile. HELIAN and Miss
EDITH KIRKWOOD as their fascinating accomplices in crime
who know how to play their cards, in the Third Act, to the
very best advantage. In voice and acting Miss AGNES
NICHOLLS as simple Micaela was most sympathetic. M.
COTREUIL was a dashing Captain Zuniga, and M. DUFRICHE
(this is " t'other DUFRICHE," not M. G.) quite the gay
Brigadier. The Hullabellew and regular Stock company of
choir-boys did capitally everything required of them. Signor
MANCIKELLI conducted himself like the thorough musical
director he is, and the performance satisfied everybody.
Wednesday, June 29. — VERDI'S Un Hallo in Maschera.
Excellent house to give warm welcome, in keeping with this
AT THE PALMIST'S.
Ulrica Frascani informing Riccardo Caruso that his line of life is
very short.
JULY 6, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
17
lovdv night of June, tb the June-premier
vocalist CAKISO, as also to the mixture of
melody and melodrama presented to us
in I 'n'lliilln. Signor C.MII so in fine voice
and at. his very best as the gay <'<ninl
ll'irmnln, ami 'tis simply owing to the
raniiliartcrms on which the public finds
it sell' with the music of this opera that. I lie
delightful "A' Hi-hem oil !• fi>l/i<i," sung
perfectly liy carousing ('\iaso as <'<nnit
I >}<•!;, is no longer acclaimed with three
times three encores as it was in the days
of M\I;IO, and afterwards in those of
GAYAKIIE, popularly known as (iai/ 'Arri/.
By the way, is ftiecardo a (,'oiiut or a
Duke V In one version he has both
titles; hut, the Operatic Syndicate wisely
avoids the solution of the vexed question
of rank and precedence by merely giving
his name on the bill as a simple com-
moner, lfii;-nrilo, without even prefixing
" Siguor" or adding a surname; there-
in evidently implying that, as far as the
Syndicate is concerned, it 's "all Dicky"
\\iih his titles. Besides Dicky there arc
also Tommi/ and Sam, played admirably
I iv Messrs. JOURNET and COTREUIL. Signor
SCOTTI a first-rate llenalo, while Friinlein
Kriin as spry boy Osiar, adds a brilliant
page to her operatic records. Signorina
BOSS made much of Amelia ("Who
wouldn't?" asks the Gay Lord Quex,
lorgnetting), especially in the Third Act.
Signorina FRASCANI, if not an overpower-
ing Ulrica, is better in this than in some
previous performances, while the chorus
is well done on both sides, and the
merry men of MANCINELLI are, individu-
ally and collectively, first-rate. And so
say all of us.
HOLIDAY HINTS.
(By our Medical Expert)
THE question which confronts a large
and constantly increasing section of the
population as the month of July pro-
ceeds is, "Where shall I go for my
holiday?" It becomes necessary there-
fore to make a brief excursus into
climatology. Climates may be divided
into marine and inland, the latter being
again subdivisible into those of low and
high altitudes. Some are bracing, such
as those of the East Coast of England,
Spitsbergen and Siberia, whilst others
are relaxing, such as Madeira and the
basin of t lie ( 'ongo, too often erroneously
identified with
CONGO TEA,
which, when indulged in to excess, is
fraught with the most deleterious con-
sequences. If, then, we assume the
holiday maker to be healthy, but a hard
worker, and subject to insomnia, hay
fever and asthma, it is obvious that the
choice of his place of sojourn should be
one in which, as far as possible, the pre-
vailing dimafological conditions are not
favourable to the development of these
ailments. It is true that proximity to
the sea may occasionally cause insomnia,
light-house keepers being
PROVERBIALLY LHIHT SLEEPERS,
bill as a rule the sea exerts a sedative
influence on the nervous system, so that,
in a certain number of cases, insomnia
is reduced by a visit, to the seaside.
( hi the other hand, asthmatic, patients
generally tind their symptoms aggra-
vated at marine resorts, and the lowest,
percentage of
DEATHS FROM HAY FEVER
is to be found in the great mountain
plateaus of Tibet. The generalisations
to be deduced from these considera-
tions are therefore sufficiently obvious.
Elderly people whose arteries are begin-
ning to harden should always seek warm
places, or, if not, they should always be
warmly clad. Violent physical exercise
is only salutary for those who keep
themselves in condition all the year
round, and in any case chronic invalids,
bedridden persons and octogenarians
should abstain from emulating the feats
of professional athletes. It has been
said that there is not a professional
cyclist in Roumania of over sixty with
a perfectly sound heart, but of course
there is no limit to the power of asser-
tion. Speaking broadly, high altitudes
are a most valuable stimulant to a
depressed nervous system — witness the
case of
ST. SIMEON STYUTES,
but it is dangerous to carry this prin-
ciple to its logical conclusion, and I do
not recommend the summit of Mount
Everest or even Aconcagua as a perma-
nent residence for the victims of melan-
cholia. To sum up, nearly everyone
has his ideal climate, in which, mutatis
mutandis, and other things being equal,
his holiday will do him as much good if
not less than he will derive from staying
quietly at home. In this context, now
that the warm weather has set in, and
the attractions of an al fresco life are
approaching their grand climacteric, it
is desirable that a word of caution
should be uttered against the pernicious
habit of taking meals in the open air,
which seems to be gaining ground
amongst the members of the
UPPER AND MIDDLE CLASSES.
Fresh air, let it be frankly conceded
at the outset, is an excellent thing in
itself ; so too is an adequate supply of
wholesome food. But j ust as two wrongs
do not make a right, so also it frequently
happens that two rights may make a
wrong. The practice of picnickers — we
prefer to spell the word in the old-
fashioned way, in spite of the late
Mr. HERBERT SPENCER'S deliberate rejec-
tion of the letter " k " — is, as a rule, to
seek out a convenient place on the
GREEN' SWARD,
and, dispensing with a table, to dispose
the viands on the ground, sometimes
with, but, occasionally without, the
adjunct of a tablecloth. If the day be
windy, stones or other heavy weights
arc placed on the cloth to prevent it
being blown away. While, however,
these precautions are taken to secure
the stability of the provender, nothing
whatever is done to guard against the
dangers which the merest tyro in
bacteriology recognises as inherent in
the situation. It does not need a micro-
scope to establish the fact that grass
teems with all manner of coleoptera,
entomostraca, infusoria, scarabaei, and
millions of other
DEATH-DEALING ORGANISMS,
endowed in many cases with prodigious
agility and that wonderful faculty of
protective imitation which renders their
true nature indistinguishable by the
naked eye. But this is not all. Not
only is the picnicker incapable of recog-
nising the presence of foreign bodies in
the viands of which he is partaking,
but, with his appetite enhanced by his
recumbent position, he almost invariably
overeats him or herself, and, returning
to his home in a state of
ABNORMAL HYPERTROPHY,
falls an easy and predestined prey to
apoplectic seizures, congestion of the
rhomboid ganglia, apocolocyntrosis, and
other distressing and highly polysyllabic
complaints. In view of these and' other
equally notorious facts we cannot too
vehemently impress upon our readers
the paramount need of picnicking with
the utmost circumspection. Thousands
of people injure themselves every
summer by indiscreet indulgence in this
deplorable habit. They come back with
hectic complexions, inoculated with the
virus of anopheles mosquito, and other
bombinating plagues of the worst type.
The stethoscope reveals all sorts of
ineffable mischief, and it may be months
before they recover, especially if they be
on the wrong side of seventy.
UNREST. — Summer is here. Soon a
majority able to afford it will be leaving
London for various "Cures." The
modus vivendi of home and foreign Spas
will be advertised, and then will have
commenced the Spas-modic Season.
THE THEATRE OF WAR. — To assist in
the Great Drama, of the most serious
interest, now being performed, the
Japanese have already secured several
passes. With this exception the free
list is entirely suspended, public press
not excepted.
18
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 6, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
"!F it's humour you want," as the Heavy Dragoon says in
Tlie Pantomime JMn'iirmil, read The Diversions of a Musie-
Lover, by C. L. GRAVES (MACMII.LAN & Co.). From a series of
papers where all are interesting and instruc-
tive, and some most amusing, it, is difficult to
select any one or two for special commen-
dation. Yet if someone were to say to the
Karon, "Behold, I am pressed for time, tell
me the best of these to read within the next
half-hour ! " then would the Baron unhesita-
tingly answer, "Begin with The Voices of
the Orchestra ; take next the thoroughly appreciative article
on Sic George Grove; proceed to Reminiscences of Malibran;
and finish with A Musical Celebrity, which, purporting to be
the record of an interview with The Concert Cat at St.
James's Hall, is quite enough to rouse a fellow feline and to
make a cat laugh." The longest article, A Forgotten Book,
with the amusing Studies in Musical Criticism, can await your
leisure. But 'tis something to take with you on a journey, for,
as a real good travelling companion, Mr. GRAVES — in spite of
his rmme^can be the gayest of the gays. He is always
lively, never severe, and should you be inclined to sleep and
not to read, why, at a second's notice, without any effort of
wit on your part, you can shut him lip.
Society in the Neie Reign (FISHER UNWIN) purports to be
written by A Foreign Resident revisiting London after an
absence of some years. My Baronite seems to know that
Foreign Resident. He does not come from Sheffield, but is
in occasional retreat in a district less remote from London.
However that be, he has written an entertaining book which
commends itself to the gentle reader by the device of smartly
saying disagreeable things about his (the reader's) dearest,
friends. The range of reference is all-embracing. The
Resident, whether Foreign or native, is in a position to
observe most of the men and women who form what is
known as London Society. He discusses them with the frank-
ness, something above the average of cleverness, of talk
in the smoking-room, or in the confidence of the dressing-
rooms where ladies at a house party foregather to say a last
few words before going to bed. My Baronite is tempted to
quote some of the glittering sentences in which personal
friends are stabbed. But he leaves them to look up the
passages for themselves. To that end, the Foreign Resident,
always anxious to oblige, adds an index.
Mr. BASIL KING has already given proofs of remarkable
skill and versatility in Let Not Man Put Asunder and The
Garden of Charity. His latest novel, The Steps of Honour
(HARPER), will add to his reputation. The main theme of it,
indeed, is not a new one, for it deals with the assumption by
one man of work done long ago by another who at the time
gained no credit by it. In The Steps of Honour, however,
this theme is handled with striking ability, and the reader
is driven, in spite of himself, to sympathise with Antony
Muir, the wrong-doer ; so natural, nay almost so necessary,
does it seem that he should have acted as he did, and so
cruel is his punishment when he is detected and exposed.
How he redeems himself and finally wins the woman he loves
must be read in Mr. KING'S brilliant pages. The character-
drawing is wonderfully strong and distinct. Every person
lives and moves with a clear-cut individuality. Agatha, the
ambitious, self-centred, rigid, New England young woman ;
Persis, the sweet and tender maiden witli her soft heart (a
charming character), and Professor and Mrs. Wollaston — all
are admirable. The Professor, indeed, with his sublime
tactlessness, his record-breaking certainty in saying the
wrong thing, his shrewdness and his kindliness, is a delight-
ful addition to this Assistant Reader's gallery of humorous
portraits.
The Editor, Mr. SHAW SPARROW, describes The British
Home of To-day (HonDER & STOUGHTON) as a book of modern
domestic architecture and the applied arts. Its avowed
purpose is to give specimens of good workmanship in these
pursuits. They take the form of sketches or photographs of
houses built within the last quarter of a century, furnished
by craftsmen who have outlived the spell of the monstrosity
familiar to some of us in the mid- Victorian
era. The letterpress is contributed by mas-
ters of their art like Mr. ARNOLD MITCHELL,
Mr. GUY DAWBER, and Mr. NORMAN SHAW.
The illustrations of shapely, cosy cottages
lighten up pages of common-sense talk.
Persons about to build will find the volume
a mine of treasure. Those who, like my
Baronite, have already built, will wish they
hadn't till they had enjoyed the advantage of studying this
work.
During a recent visit to the United States my Baronite
was privileged to assist (as a spectator) at the process of
cooking on the table a charming luncheon for three. Pigeons
were the sacrifice, the altar a chafing dish. He was so
enchanted with the operation and its result that he hunted
through Boston to find a chafing dish, brought it home in
triumph, and found he could have purchased one in London
for 7s. 6fZ. less. In The Cult of the Chafing Dish (GAY &
BIRD) Mr. FRANK SCHKIESSER chats charmingly about this
domestic joy. Also he supplies a number of recipes for the
use of cooks who have mastered the simple mystery of the
chafing dish. Tis a pleasing pursuit, having, in the case
of amateurs, the added excitement of flattering uncertainty
as to what will come out of the dish at the end of ten or
twenty minutes.
In Celibate Sarah (GRANT RICHARDS), Mr. JAMES BLYTH— BO the
Assistant Reader reports — goes once more to the Norfolk
Broads for the scenery, atmosphere and characters of his
book. In his former book, Juicy Joe, nothing relieved the
grimness and sordid tragedy uf the story — nothing, that is,
except Mr. BLYTH'S relentless power in telling it. In Celibate
Sarah the evidences of power are not less striking, but there tire
chinks in the battered and decayed cottages of these souls
through which the light is let in. The hope of better things
is not utterly to be denied, even to the inhabitants of the
Norfolk Broads. Celibate Sarah is in its way (and its way is
not unlike that of GUY DE MAUPASSANT) as strong a book as
your Assistant has read for a long time.
The Baron, being thoroughly appreciative of genuine Irish
stories, such, for example, as
My New Curate and Luke Dcl-
mege, was attracted by the title
of a novel brought under his
notice entitled Father Clancy,
by A. FREMDLING (DUCKWORTH).
He wrestled with it manfully,
but, apart from its great defect
of being uninteresting, its pre-
tence at true characterisation is
very thin, and the writer is
apparently ignorant of some of
the most ordinary terms familiar
to Irish clergy and people. The
Baron was sadly disappointed.
THE
BAEON
.i i::. l -.to i.
. 01! THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
1!)
DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE.
'Hon, T SAY, '. \niiv, .11:;' LOOK 'KIIE! SLOWED IF THEV AIN'T PUT TIIE CHIMNEY-POT ON AFORE THE 'OUSE is BITILT!'
GOLF NOTKS.
TXTKISKSTING FEATS \\|) K\ I'll \olil >l \ Urt
OoCCRHENCEa IN THE (iAMH.
AT Tipperusalem, U.S.A., the local
professional. Tins ( ). HOKI.ICK, equipped
with a croquet mallet and fifty hard-
boiled eggs, once played a match against
the leading local amateur, who was
allowed the n,e of a hair-brush and fifty
fish-balls. lloiti.icK, who won the match
on the sixteenth green by ."> up and ^ to
play, with seven eggs in hand, is now a
pro perous hatter at Panama.
At Peebles, in ISX'.t, a player, on
going to the green of the "Crater" hole.
found a tiger which had escaped from a
travelling menagerie crouching at the
pin. On realising, however, that he
was a scratch player, the tiger followed
him quietly to the club-house, where a
large dose of sloe gin rendered the
animal perfectly harmless until the
arrival of its keepers.
In a match at Hiarritjc last winter on
a very misty day, the Marquis of
GoiPUZCOA made a drive from the third
tee. and no one could tell where the ball
went. After a prolonged search in all
directions the ball was ultimately dis-
covered on the back of a sheep which
was grazing about fifteen feet from the
tee box.
A famous scratch player once uncler-
t<x)k to play a fellow member of the
Westward Ho ! Club a match over those
links, his only equipment being an
unlimited supply of uncooked sausages,
while his opponent was allowed the use
of all his clubs. The scratch player won
i the match, using up 159 sausages, and
1 completing the round in 26i strokes, the
loser taking 286.
At Drumnadrochit one day, as WILLIE
MoLuHKix was addressing his ball at the
fifteenth tee, a magnificent golden eagle
swooped down and carried off the pel
let. McLlitKlN, with wonderful presence
of mind, put down another ball, and
drove a " skyer," which hit the eagle on
the neck, killing it instantaneously.
Lovers of golf will be interested to
.learn that McLuRKtx has since become
a teetotaller.
At Moreton-in-the-Marsh, one day in
I '.I"-'!, a player, on going up to his ball,
found a poached egg perched on the top
players on the links and applauds a
good stroke by flapping its wings.
At Wimbledon, in the year 1900,
there were four caddies whose united
ages amounted to 286 years.
The larks on the Brancaster (Norfolk)
links are occasionally so vociferous that
nervous players are obliged to stop their
ears with cotton wool.
At the Atlanta (Ga.) links the prin-
cipal green-man is a black man.
RECORD DRIVES.
At Cannes the Grand Duke MICHAEL
once drove a hall so hard into the ground
that it was never seen again.
At Wembley Park, Lord HALSHUIY,
playing in a foursome with ANDREW
KIHKALDY against BEN SAYEHS and the
Duke of DEVONSHIRE, missed the globe
seven times running without allowing
his partner to play his turn.
IN the Sjyctator, the Skinners' Com-
of it. Taking hislnashie, he topped the I>'»'.V advertise "a pension for a ,™r
ball l,,,t lnn.fp.1 tl,P *«,«, in tl« preacher. Mr. Puruih in his time has
ball, but landed the egg in the hole.
At Inelmadamph
canercail/.ie which
there
is a tame
accompanies tin-
sat under some very poor preachers, and
thinks there should be no difficulty in
finding a deserving case.
Veil.. I'XXVII.
L'O
1-UNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Ju,Y 13, 1'JOI.
THE DUST-HEAP OF EUROPE.
//„»«.»; nihil (however n;.sty)« mr ,i/;<'H»m ,m'u Uilwi.ys excepting
v, InnHi-v Chinese hihonrers cm the Kami), lerenee.
;„;;,•„„[ the uncompromising attitude ,,[ the Opposition it ha*
o:en lonml m-eesxiiry to drop the Aliens Uill.J
HiTiir.n, hither. 0 ye strangers,
(ircasy I'ole iiiid grimy linss.
Leave your kennels, leave your mangers,
.Make yourselves at home with us.
Soaked with gin '"' vodka-sodden,
Thieves and beggars stony-broke.
Chivied by police and trodden
I'nder l'(K)t of honest folk, —
Come in crowds obscene and fetid.
Choke with germs each vacant chink.
J.cl this isle of ours be treated
As the nniv rsal sink !
Introduce obscure diseases,
Caught in Slav or Teuton slums,
llringing odours on the breezes
Freely as the swallow comes !
Vice-debauched and vermin-bitten,
Dust and scum of all the earth,
lx> ! in genial little Britain
You shall strike a pleasant berth.
Here you have no haunt of slavei > .
Here you have no brutal Rand ;
Life is one continual savoury
In this altruistic land.
For to be the world's off-scouring,
Swept in sewers out to sea,
Constitutes an overpowering
Claim on English chivalry !
We may love, or not, our neighbour,
But the stranger in our gates,
If he shrink from manual labour,
Lives at ease upon the rates !
cm,
I'a>sports ? Never more you '11 need
Never more attempt the foam,
Once you touch the soil of freedom,
Once you find a " home from home."
Welcome, then, beloved aliens !
Though your rags incline to rot.
Though your .skins be coarse and scaly mis,
Though the bath may know you not ; -
Though your lack of social training,
And your pestilential airs
Mock the hope of entertaining
Wingless angels unawares; —
Yet we found the Tory Party
Keen to stem your flowing tide,
Which explains this warm and hearty
Welcome from the other side !
0. S.
At the Gentlemen v. Players Return Match,
\cir- YiirL-cr. Say, can I get a square meal here?
\V«'iter (irllli iliijitili/). This, Sir, is the Oval '2s.
unchoon.
A TIME-FUSE FOR MESSENGER BOYS.
IT was an American idea, of course. The firm was called
The Quick Return Boy-Messenger Company." In reply
to a request for an interview, the Manager, Mr. ULYB8ES K.
HUSSBL, wrote that he courted publicity, and would be
pleased to see me at Smart's Buildings. So I presented my-
,elf and the Manager explained to me his system
" You see," said Mr. HUSSKL, " Time is money. 1 had long
been exercised over the amount of time wasted by the average
errand-lad with his loitering ways. One day the idea flashed
across my mind, like an inspiration, Why not a time-fuse for
errand lads?"
" Ah, why not ? " I said. " And how does it work?
"It is simplicity itself. A message has to be earned, say,
to Pall Mall. To get there and back should take forty
minutes. Very well. I call one of my boys, give him the
letter attach the fuse to him, and set it to go oft' in forty-one
minutes' time. I alone possess the key which will detach
the fuse. The lad i.s back, as a ride, in thirty minutes.'
"I note that you say 'as a rule.' ^What happens if the
boy exceeds the forty minutes' limit ? "
'•' I slunild have thought that would have been obvious.
When the forty-one minutes have elapsed, there is a loud
report, and a volume of smoke, and the mechanical attach-
ment clanks to the ground."
" And the boy ? "
" The boy, if he has been a pretty good boy, is in Elysium.
If not—
" But surely the Public, with its humanitarian views, cries
out against this?"
"Not a bit of it. Since the Prince of WALES uttered the
warning words, ' Wake up, England,' the British Public has
been only too eager to improve its commercial methods.
Excuse me one minute," said the Manager, as one of his lads
came running in. He had grey hair, like all of them.
"I'm in good time, ain't I? I ran all the way," said the
little fellow.
" Yes, you have ten minutes to spare," said the Manager,
as he patted the boy's head, and unlocked the fuse, which he
threw into a big tank of water at the back of the office.
" And now, Sir? " he said, turning to me.
" Oh, I was only going to ask whether you lost many lads."
"No, not many. On the average, a couple a month, I
should say. You see, when we lose one, it makes all the
others more expeditious."
"And what about the relatives of the boys who explode?
Don't they ever make a fuss ? "
"Oh, they give us very little trouble, very little trouble.
Yon know the average boy? The average relative is only
too glad to be rid of him. Sometimes, however, a father
will come around and threaten to make trouble. In a case
like that I give him ten shillings compensation, and he
thinks he has bested me. But, as a rule, in engaging a boy,
I insist on his being an orphan. Now-
At this moment a youth came tearing towards us, with
scarlet face, streaming with perspiration, his eyes almost
starting out of his head. " I 've only six seconds ! " he
yelled, as he rushed into the office.
As quick as lightning my friend seized him, and flung
him bodily into the water tank, and the next second there
was a hissing sound, followed by a cascade of water, and the
Lid crawled out, a miserable spectacle.
" That '11 teach you, perhaps, not to watch dog-fights," said
Mr. IlrssEL.
Mu. HAIX CAINE'S forthcoming novel is said to be superior
to his previous work. This would seem, on the face of it, to
be impossible; but we have the further statement that the
bo:)k is to contain fewer words.
c
irt
K
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S
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r- . p^
'S
JULY 13, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE GENTLE ART.
Visitor (to particular friend, «'7io lias liad several new dresses laid on the bed to choose from). "I DO WISH YOU WOULD TELL MK THE
NAME OF TIIK WOMAN YOU SELL YollI THINGS TO. I 'VE GOT A LOT OF OLD OOWNS I.IKE THESE THAT I WANT TO GET BID Of ! "
MR. PUNCH'S SYMPOSIA.
XIX. SWKAIHXU IN" PfMI.R1.
SCENE — International Hall.
PBESKNT :
Mr. Max Pemberlon (in the Chair).
The Bishop of London.
The R'njht Hon. A. ,1 . Balfour, M.P.
Mr. Henry, First Commissioner of
Polii'i:
Mr. G. Bernard Slmir.
The President of the Bargees' Union.
Mr. W. W. Jacobs.
The Right Hon. James Bryce, M.P.
Mr. Max Pemberton. Some little while
ago one of Mr. Pum-lt's informal com-
mittees considered my proposal to hang,
draw and quarter organ-grinders. He
lias now kindly collected another galaxy
of intellect to discuss my scheme for
arresting and imprisoning all persons
using bad language in the st reels.
Mr. Henry (l''irxi Commissioner of
Police). I wonder if Mr. MAX PK.MIIKHTON
has any idea how much the police have
to (lii already.
Mr. I'l'inlii'i-ton. Then I would add
new men. Where there 's a will there 's
a way, as my old nurse (a very profound
woman) used to say.
Mr: G. Bernard Shaw. But what is
bad language?
Mr. Pemberton. By bad language I
mean such words as are not current in
polite society.
Mr. G. B. Shaw. But polite society only
uses some five or six thousand words
altogether. It never, for example, eays
"onomatopoeic." Would you have one
arrested for using that word in the
street ?
Mr. Pemberton. I meant swearing, of
course.
Mr. W. W. Jacobs. How are the police
to know ? A provincial might bring to
London an entirely new set of objurga-
tory expressions. Is he to go free, while
we suffer ? It is shameful.
Mr. Pemberton. The police would have
dictionaries.
Mr. Henry. Never.
Mr. G. B. Shaic. What is not generally
understood is that everyone swears. The
only thing is that some of us are indi-
vidualists in our oaths or imprecations,
while others draw from the common
store.
Bishop of London. I rise to a point of
order. Does the last speaker suggest
tliat I am a swearer ?
Mr. G. B. Shan). Certainly.
Bishop of Ijondon. But this is very
painful. No one could be more careful
than I not to swear.
Mr. A. J. Balfour. Except perhaps
myself. '
Mr. G. B. Shaw. Let us look into it a
minute. Suppose, when in a hurry in
the morning, you drop your collar-stud,
and it rolls under the chest of drawers,
what do you do?
Bishop of London. I kneel down and
look for it.
Mr. A. J. Balfour. So should I.
Mr. G. B. Shaw. But when you find
tliat it is a few inches out of reach, what
do you say ?
Bisliop of London. I am not sure that
I say anything. I might perhaps say,
"Bot her."
Mr. A. J. Balfour. Or even " Pish."
Mr. G. B. Stiaw. Exactly. Tliat is
swearing — your swearing. To another
class of swearer it might seem but a
feeble remark. To you it is terrific.
Mr. I'diilicrioii. All this is beside the
mark.
Mr. G. B. Shaw. Not at all. It goes to
prove tliat swearing is merely another
name for emphasis. Every time the
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 13, 1904.
Archbishop of CANTERBURY strikes the
cushion he may be said to swear ; every
thump on General BOOTH'S drum is au
expletive.
Mr. Peniberton. I meant ugly, harsh
words, such as are covered by the term
swearing.
Mr. James llri/i-c. But that might be
very awkward. Suppose, for example
I was talking to a friend about Amster-
dam, and a passing policeman heard
only the last incriminating syllable, ]
might spend the night in a cell, yet be
as guiltless of crime as if I had written
The Iron Pirate.
Mr. Peniberton. There might be a few
martyrs now and then. I take the
matter very seriously. I would have a
list of forbidden words on every lamp-
post. We must keep our streets whole-
some. It is becoming positively dis-
tressing to walk in London at all. Only
this morning I heard an errand boy ol
quite tender years say " Blow."
Mr. Bryce. But London is not quite
hopeless. There are cases of reserve.
Look, for example, at the A. B. C. shops.
What would be the state of Mr. PEM-
BERTON'S mind if they went on to D. ?
But they do not. We are not yet wholly
lost to shame.
Mr. W. W. Jacobs. The experience of
sailors is that gentle language, such as
Mr. MAX PEMBEHTON advocates, would be
of little avail at sea.
Mr. Peniberton. Progress at sea is,
however, an affair of steam or wind.
Mr. W. W. Jacobs. That, I know, is
the popular belief. But I can assure
the company that there would be neither
steam nor wind if the mates and the
engineers used the language of polite
society. I would defy Mr. PEMBEHTON
by his own methods to get any vessel to
run as far as from Margate to Clacton.
Bixhop of To idon. This is -all very
sad.
Mr. A. J. Balfour. Very sad. But is
it true ? Do mariners really try ?
The President of tlic Baryees' Union.
What Mr. JACOBS says of the high, seas
is no less true of the narrow waterways
f England. No one can navigate a
barge on a Pembertonian vocabulary.
Ask any bargee.
Mr. Bryce. I wonder if any one could
inform me why a bargee is so called ?
Mr. (I. B. Shaw. Probably because he
doesn't bar D. It comes to this, that
masters of labour, no less than novelists,
must get their effects in their own way.
Mr. A. J. Balfour. It is a fallacy to
suppose that swearing is necessary at
golf. It has been on record more than
.mce that no ill fortune in the game can
move me to say anything stronger than
'' Dear me," " Tush," or " Tut, tut."
Mr. G. B. Sltaw. All of which phrases
ire of course swearing.
Prexiflent of the Bargees' Union. There
is something in that. I assure you
; that a member of my Union would feel
himself to have gone very far indeed if
he said, "Tut, tut." Only extreme
provocation could so move him.
Hixltnp of London. As 1 have an ap-
pointment with my friend the Bishop of
Swears and Wells — 1 mean, Bath and
Wells -I must say good-bye. I wish
the campaign the success it deserves.
Mr. Peniberton. This meeting is now
adjourned, but. I trust you will not
consider that we have had a blank day,
if I may use the expression without
offence. We have, it is true, passed no
actual resolution ; but at least some of
us have met the prevailing vice with a
virtuous and indignant, counterbl —
Omnex. Hush ! [Exeunt.
THE FEEDING OF THE OLD.
(With acknowledgment* to Mrs. Earle ami (lie
Editor of the "National Iferieic.")
I HAVE frequently been invited to
write about the food of the old, but
hitherto have thought that this problem
had better be left alone until the world
in general, and the rising generation in
particular, had become better instructed
and more sensible on the subject. But
waiting is weary work, and attended
with grave disadvantages. Besides, as
the Roman poet SOCRATES has it, maxima
debetur senibus reverentia, and the
modern tendency to exalt the young at
the expense of the aged, with all its
concomitant dangers of extravagance
and exuberance, impels me to break
silence.
A fairly close association with a good
many elderly people has, of late, come
into my life, and I watch with immense
interest their progress towards the attain-
ment of longevity. I think the healthiest
octogenarian 1 have ever seen is one who,
at the age of seventy-two, with only four
teeth, was gradually taught to eat bread
md butter, milk puddings, potatoes,
md cauliflowers. The aged person in
question never chokes now, munches his
I'txxl bravely, and is wholly immune from
he agonies of dyspepsia. Another strik-
ing case was that of a venerable gentle-
man in the neighbourhood, aged eighty-
bur, who was brought under my notice
last autumn. He was suffering from
;hronic rheumatic arthritis, and the local
ioctor spoke seriously of the case, recom-
nending cod -liver oil, brandy, and
stimulating flesh -foods. I asked his
grandchildren if they would entrust the
case to me through the winter months,
nd they gladly consented. He was
given no meat, fish, tea or tonics, but
raisins, fruit juice, and a little water
now and then. Wlien strong enough to
•esumc his work — he is a conveyancing
barrister in large practice— the only fax!
10 took with him for his midday meal
was a couple of nuts or a Spanish onion
He has got on exceedingly well in everj
way, and his handicap at the local goll
club has been raised to 48. I allow him
six almonds twice a day and a raw apple
on Sundays, and I have every hope that
by the time he is ninety he will be able
to live on nothing but barley .water.
Needless to say his family are most
grateful to me for the immense economy
which has resulted from the new treat-
ment, and estimate that, if he lives tr
a hundred, the saving effected will
represent at least an extra £1000 in the
estate to be ultimately divided amongst
his heirs. Nor has his example been
thrown away on his grandchildren, one
of whom, a precious little girl of ten,
has voluntarily abandoned meat, fish
and fowl, and subsists happily on a dish
of turnips, variegated by an occasional
Carlsbad plum.
Although constantly pained by the
spectacle of overfed octogenarians, I
cannot help thinking that encouraging
signs are abroad with regard to dietetic
reform, and that the bulwarks of obscu-
rantism— as represented by the medical
profession — are beginning to crumble
before the repeated onslaughts of the
battering-ram of common sense. Wise
people in all ages have been on the side
of a minimum diet, and the notorious
cases of ALEXANDER THE GREAT, MOZART,
and NAPOLEON, enforce with terrible
directness the lesson that unrestricted
indulgence in a carnivorous diet leads
inevitably to a premature decease.' VOL-
TAIRE, a chronic dyspeptic, practised
strict moderation all his life, and though
he encouraged a fatal habit of insomnia,
through his ignorance of the amount of
proteid necessary to keep him in health,
he lived to be eighty-four. Had he been
entrusted to my charge, I have little
doubt that he would still be alive.
One word in conclusion. Persons
who adopt the new diet frequently
complain of hunger. But, as a high
authority has remarked in the July
number of the National Review, "craving
for fix)d is a sure sign that it ought not
to be given." Conversely, the absence
of such craving is an equally sure indi-
cation that it is not required. We can,
therefore, look forward with reasonable
assurance to the advent of that happy
time when young and old alike, recon-
ciled to total abstinence from f<x>d, will
be able to support existence for an in-
definite period without placing the
smallest strain on the digestive system.
THE House of Lords has decided that
an incoming tenant is not liable to a gas
company for arrears owing by the out-
going tenant. The incoming Liberal
Government is said to be greatly relieved
by this decision.
.Ill.Y I.".. I'.'OI.'
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
MY MALADY.
I \M not feeling very well to-day ;
I kni.w not wliat the malady May lit-;
l.i'ss limn a week ago 1 folt as gay-
Anil active as a- grig.
Hut I am wid ; I get no rest at niglif :
I tremlile at the hu/./.ing of a glint ;
I do not take ruy meals with appetite ;
My In-art goes pit-a-pat.
My vigour and my sprightliness havo flown ;
The MK-ial (|iialities my friends enjoyed
Have left me; I desire to lie alone,
And not to be annoyed.
I know there's nothing wrong with lind) or lung
Or liver, as the flippant might suppose
(Rejoice, all you that love me, for my tongue
Is like a Red, Red Rose).
Hut there's a something though T can't say what
That linrrows— though I couldn't tell you when ;
Nor could I even stroke th' afflicted spot,
And say, "The pain is their."
This is not one of those established ills
Which of their nature leave an outward sign ;
I 1 does not make one pale about the gills,
This malady of mine.
' li is the little rift within the lute" ;
Some fatal, undiscoverable germ
That by-and-by will make the music mute,
And drag me to the Worm.
And am T then beyond all human cure?
And will the grim old Gardener come and pluck
My flower of beauty just when it 's mature?
Really, it 's shocking luck !
No, no, a thousand times ! Pale phantoms, heiue !
Away with morbid thoughts and empty sham !
I am in love ! Away with vain pretence !
Yes, by the gods, I am !
'T is Love that weaves this enervating spell ;
Love whose familiar darts have laid me low ;
It always used to make me feel unwell ;
As if I didn't know !
And yet, how softly through my being steal
The dolorous joys of Love's delicious pain,
How innocent, how young it makes one feel
To be in love again !
Bite on, dear Germ. For though the heart be sad,
Seeing that thou, and thou alone, canst win me
Hack to a youth's sweet fancies, why I '111 glad
To think I 've got it in me !
Art'* Ministers.
'in Miiaii- S/iii/i Assistant), Copy of " Panxy Varcx''
pli-ase, Miss.
AxKixInnl. In what key ?
Hoi/. Key? She didn't sa nothing about keys.
Axxixttnit. Po you know if the lady is a soprano or con-
tralto?
/in//. Ijor' bless you, Miss, she ain't one of them sort —
--In- 's the I arniaid. acr<R-t at the " Red Lion ! "
Jtouli Arjrilt. "Now, SlR, CAN 1 SELL YOU AX ENCYCLOPAEDIA ? "
OldJulm. "NoA, I DOAN'T THINK so. I'M TEW OLII TO KIDK MIH."
COCKERS, NOT COCHONS.
DEAB Sin,— Stimulated by the newspaper correspondence
0:1 the discourtesy of cabbies, and inspired by the brilliant
example of the Daily PJxpregx representative, I yesterday
took three cab rides, each just short of two miles, and
tendered the drivers their legal fare of one shilling. I am
happy to say that, far from -being a painful experience, the
treatment I met with was as cordial and gratifying as that
of the intrepid journalist. The first cabby, who had driven
me from St. James's Square to Ludgate Hill, remarked with
evident gratitude as he took the proffered coin, "Oh, Sir, if
they was all like you there wouldn't be none of this trouble."
The second, who drove me from St. Paul's Churchyard to
Westminster, regarded me, as I paid him, with an apologetic
smile, evidently mistaking my identity. "Beg pardon,
my lord," he said; "I didn't recognise you at first." I
anticipated a scene with my last driver, who had driven me
from Trafalgar Square to the Edgware Road, for his face
flushed a deeper purple as he looked at the shilling in his
hand. I paused on the curb, prepared for the orthodox
tin rent of abuse, but, looking down on me, he only said very
courteously, " Was you waiting for the change, Sir?"
Surely these additional experiences are sufficient to prove
that London cabmen are a grievously misjudged race of men,
and that, as a matter of fact, two-mile-shilling cab-rides form
a delightful bond of sympathy between cabby and fare.
Yours truly, F.un PI.AY.
26
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 13, 1904.
THE MERRY MILLIONAIRES.
ONE of the Atlantic liners, according
to the M<i>i<l<inl of the 6th, arrived from
New York on the previous day " with a
number of wealthy Americans on board.
We arc able to supplement this meagre
information by the following more pre-
cise report on the ways, as well as the
means, of these rich passengers.
Mr. WASHINGTON Y. WIRKE had secured
the finest suite of state-rooms, and one
aftenuxm gave a select tea-party which
excited great admiration. The table
was covered with a tea-cloth formed of
£100 Bank of England notes, stitched
on old Point de Venise lace. The spirit
lamp under the tea-kettle was lighted
with a bundle of greenbacks. After tea
dishes, iced water, and twopenny cigars
were all they indulged in. A quiet
game of halfpenny nap finished what
they all declared to be a delightful day
of "entire rest and change —a day on
the least wealthy of them had
And to the one true science cling,
iSiace now at last you 've got it ;
Ilie aura tells you everything —
If only you can spot it.
only spent the income of two minutes.
THERAPEUTICS A LA MODE.
[" We are informed that every human being
is constantly sending forth 'an actual sub-
stance,' sometimes termed ' atmosphere,"
sometimes ' electricity,' but more correctly to
l>e described as ' aura ' .... a visible, lumi-
nous substance surrounding every person,
changing in colour with the moods, emotions,
thoughts and dispositions he may undergo . . .
We shall soon have a new race of physicians
who will take a patient's 'aura' of a morning,
fruit was served, and between the plates
and finger-bowls, instead of common
doylies, £10 notes were placed. The
whole entertainment was extremely
elegant.
Mr. GREENBACKS R. GOODE, the day
before the vessel reached Queenstown,
walked about for some time carrying
an immense roll of English and Ameri-
can notes. He gave one of them to any-
one who would accept it. The roll of
notes rapidly disappeared, but Mr.
GOODE had several more bundles in his
state-room. The explanation of this
generosity is rather pathetic. To spend
an income of 10,000 dollars a day is
difficult enough on land ; on the sea it
is almost impossible. The charges for
state-rooms and every luxury hardly
help at all. Wines and cigars do
nothing. Even Mr. GOODE'S new system
only relieved him of the burden of
about thirty-six hours' revenue. Later
in the day he whiled away a short time
by throwing sovereigns at the sea-gulls.
Mr. BULLION U. BETT appeared one day
in a yachting cap of solid gold, with a
band of diamonds round it, and a string
of pearls to go as a strap under the chin.
Finding it rather heavy, he did not wear
it again, but gave it to one of the
stewards. It was considered rather
ostentatious by the other passengers. A
novel idea introduced by Mr. WYNN I.
GOLD was much more admired. Mr. GOLD
wore an ordinary cloth overcoat, lined
entirely with £500 notes. He said that
nothing is so impervious to cold as
paper, and that Bank of England notes
are the softest and lightest material of
the kind. Of course £5 notes would be
equally serviceable, but £500 notes look
better if the coat is unbuttoned.
Independence Day was celebrated in a
novel manner by these and other wealthy
passengers. As there could be no doubt
that persons whose united incomes
amounted to many millions of pounds
were quite independent, they made a
variety in their ordinary habits by living
frugally for that one day. Simple
just iis they now take his pulse." — Manchester
iiariltan^]
So long as doctors sound your lungs,
Or vainly try to tell
By studying their yellow tongues
Why people are unwell,
So long will doctors disagree,
And while one diagnoses
You've mumps, the next says house-
maid's knee,
A third tuberculosis.
The signs by which men used to judge
Are nothing but a fad :
Your temperatures are merely fudge,
And pulses are as bad.
There is but one unfailing test
Which must be tried before a
Disease can be declared, id cst,
The colour of the aura.
A subtle emanation flows
From every human soul,
Which gathers round the head an
glows
Like some faint aureole.
Observe its varying hues with care,
And you shall see depicted
Precisely how and when and where
Your patient is afflicted.
Each mood has its distinctive shade :
If love is his disease
The aum will at once be made
As crimson as you please ;
Or if the red is shot with green,
The mingled colours tell us
The very moment they are seen
That he is also jealous.
Inspired by this unerring hint
'Tis only left for you
To modify the sickly tint
With some more wholesome hue ;
A dash of sympathetic grey
Or intellectual yellow —
The sickness vanishes away,
And leaves a healthy fellow.
Then ply your stethoscopes no more
In sounding human hearts !
Abjure thermometers ! Give o'er
'1 liese hanky-panky arts !
AT THE GRAND LLAMASERAI.
[". . . the Tibetans, it is now known,
possess some rides of the latest pattern ....
it may b; that when the British Mission pene-
trates to Llaesa, it will be found that the
Llamas are more modern in thought than is
generally believed." — Weekly I'rcss,]
Cabinet Council, Grand Llama
presiding.
Grand Llama (adjusting eyeglass).
Well, dear boys, " What do you think of
t all ? " as ROSEBERY says. 'Stonishes
lie that these chaps have got so near us
is Gyangste. Such a beastly road an'
11. Doosed annoyin' thing, because
we 've absolootly no use for British
Missions an' things here, what ? Might
ipset all our arrangements and so forth,
lon't you know.
Second Llama. Well, shall we fight
em, or just mote over to Gyangste on
;he new 50-h.p. Wolseley and ask the
Colonel and Staff chappies to come up
lere and have a bit of dinner with us
md talk the whole thing over, after-
wards ?
Tliird Llama (aged and not up-to-date}.
Oh Great One of the Mountains, if it be
permitted me to speak in the presence
of the One who—
Grand Mama (encouragingly). That's
all right — drive on and throw it off your
chest.
Third I Jama. Then I would say, let
the Great One arise in his might and
hurl the rash invader from —
Grand Mama (interrupting). Yes,
that's all doosed fine in theory and EO
forth, but you see, my dear chap, you 're
a bit of a back number now, and don't
move with the times. We don't want
to go rottin' about and gettin' potted at
by British Missions and so forth, don't
you know.
Hcrond Llama. Let's have 'em here
for a week — do 'em thunderin' well
get up a race meetin', a polo match and
some cricket, and send 'em back again
sweariu' we 're the best fellers in the
world, eh ? I believe there 's value in
it if we make the three events all gate-
money meetin's. And of course our
monastic life is a wee bit dull here
(icinks at Grand Llama) — might cheer
us up a bit, eh ?
Grand Llama. Righto. There 's some-
thin' in what you say. Fightin 's rather
rot. And why shouldn't they come here
after all? I can't think why our more
or less respected ancestors made such a
mystery over this one-horse little town
eh ? Why, until lately we positively
weren't on the telephone ! Even now
.in.v i:;. nidi.;
ITNTll. OK THE LONDON CHAR I YAK I.
throw out their long pendulous raceme-.
we re hardly on spcakiu' lern.s with
China.
Si •mini IJiinni. Then you '11 go to
neet 'em y i (.signed for the exhibition-table, the
dninil I.IIIIIKI. Yes, I think that s the buds must be pinched off gradually, and
and a plentiful crop of
will result. If the
the tapioca pea
puddings are
deeeiitest thing to do. Hut yon fellers '11
ha\e In stump ii|> your share of the
entertainment e\'s. And now send out
for my luiiry coat and goggles :|"d t('"
my ehattfatr to bring round the old
shandrydan to the Llamaserai front
steps. I >o a split-soda-and-
go.it's milk with ino, before
starting? liight then just
press the hiitton behind you
and order it in. Ta. ta. boys.
[Coitnril
protection from heavy rain is necessary.
The ordinary lady's umbrella, which can
be bought at most diapers, i.-. as suitable
as anything for the purpose.
It is not yet too late to make a sowing
of duckweed for autumn flowering.
. but not so much as
Their colour is a rich
(JARDEN NOTKS.
[Mr. fiini-li ilrrlini's in piiiraMtee
ilir -i .i-oii!ililriii— or UI'IKTM! n>li;i-
liilitv of tlic fiisiiint; reocnunenda-
TllKIlK is now a busy time
coming in the garden. With
the approach of warm weather
labels should be repainted
and hens kept off the borders
and flower-beds. Tea-roses
and dogs should be tied up.
and protection may now be
removed from the more deli-
cate poplars. No time should
be lost in transferring the
autumn-sown dandelions to
their flowering quarters. They
will be liable to droop a little
at first, but a slight mulch of
well-rooted garden literature
will tide them over the diffi-
cult time, and later on, either
in the open border or in
sheltered nooks of the wild
garden, they will yield an
abundant harvest of showy
blooms. If the plot of ground
given over to the culture of
tapioca has not yet received
attention, it should be taken
in hand at once.
The soil should be first
prepared in the following
proportions: Two parts of
rich sandy clay to one either
of turfy loam or of loamv
turf. The top-spit off an old
barley meadow would be best.
Add one part ashes from a g(xxl cigar,
and two parts well -sifted carpet -
sweepings ' Hrussels). Mix well together
and
the tubers, select only
rooted cuttings. Remove
STUDY OF A STATE OF MIND.
A LADY " ALL OF A FLITTER."
stew over a slow fire. In planting
strong, well-
all dead and
unsightly growth, and slightly trim the
shoots. Paper frills would do. Let the
juncture of stocks with shares
lea-t six feet below the surface. I fall
these directions are attended to. it will
not be many months before the plants
The seed should be obtained from the
best canaries, otherwise it will fail to
germinate, and disappointment will
result. Bobbin-beans should be earthed
up at once or they will damp off at the
collar.
Pantechnicon Inoomparabile Sliool-
l>ivdii. This beautiful hybrid vanwort
slightly imbricatei
those of the type.
Spanish mahogany, deepening to rose-
wood alxitit the stamens. /'. ll<nii}it(ni-
rn.sr, a hardy variety, should be grown
for the sake of its foliage. No special
cultivation is necessary. In fact this
delightful shrub will bloom freely in
the most unlikely positions, and we
lately came across one that had sown
itself in a rivet-hole of an iron girder on
Vauxhall Hridge, and scented
the air with its varnish-like
fragrance.
AvsWKIts 10 ('ollRK.sroMil.S re.
A. T., HOXTON. There are
many beautiful things that
can be grown in your back-
yard. You do not mention
the aspect, but the sixty-f(x>t
dead-wall of the brewery
which faces your range of
ont-buildings should give you
a grand opportunity for rffrc
tive gardening. We should
not recommend the planting
of expensive climbing orchids
against this wall, as you sug-
gest, as it will be some time
before they cover it ; ' but
there is no reason why you
should not try some of -the
many beautiful varieties of
Hydropliobia, which can be
raised from seed, and will
soon cover the required space
with masses of foam -like
blossom. //. polyantha excel-
sis William Sikes is perhaps
the best, but H. lonsilitis
uvularia and H. eanensis
liinuticii could be used with
gcxxl effect. And we should
recommend mixing with them
some of the hardy Maynuiat,
especially HI. c'drata. Then,
for the garden proper you
might plant bold masses of
Pergola />rl nrf.jtn, some of the
beautiful early-flowering Kry-
sipelaxes and the rarer forms
of hybrid Catfrpillarias. In
your soil many well-known
hardy Hebdomadals, such as
Brickbat iti , On Mutt one nse, and
Tinnus salmonensis, ought to
flourish, as well us varieties
of the broom or besom tribe. But, per-
haps, as, your available space measures
be at is now in full flower in the sub-tropical
house at Kew, and merits notice. Its
blossoms, borne on long, fibrous canes,
are fully twenty feet across, and are
only fourteen feet
said enough.
by twelve, we have
More Yellow Slave-Trade.
" JAP.VMXI:, female for sale, five
mouths, short face, beautifully marked,
very healthy, 8 guineas only." — Advt. in
Exchange and Marl.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 13, 1904.
OUR GLEE SINGERS.
" HERE IN COOL GROT AND MOSSY CELL
WE lil'KAL FATS AND FAIRIES DWELL !
IN MEMORIAM.
g* Jfntoritk SHatte, &&., 0. p.
BOKN, 1817. DIED, JULY 1, 1904.
HERE, in an age when fashion's test of worth
^ Follows the price at which the markets buy,
When the great Thought that slips the bounds of earth
Gives way to craftsmanship of hand and eye ;—
When Art, content to find perfection's goal
^ Through schemes of form and colour, light and shade,
Cares not to make appeal from soul to soul
Lest she should trespass on the preacher's trade ;—
He knew her destined mission, dared to hail
The place assigned her in the heavenly plan,
Reader of visions hid behind the veil,
Elect interpreter of God to man.
His means were servants to the end in view,
And not the end's self ; so his heart was wise
To hold— as they have held, the chosen few-
High failure dearer than the easy prize.
Now, lifted face to face with unseen things
Dimly imagined in the lower life,
He sees his Hope renew her broken strings,
And Love and Death no more at bitter strife. 0 S
THE SOCIETY VOICE.
[A contemporary complains tlmt most people in societv consider it
necessary to address one another in shrill, high-pitched voices.]
YOU'KE pretty, Miss KITTV, and dainty and slim,
And graceful indeed is your mien ;
Your eyes are as bright and your ankle as trim
As any the writer has seen.
Your curly brown locks, which invite a caress,
Would make any artist rejoice ;
But you've one little fault, even I must confess,
And that's your Society Voice.
When I asked you to wed me a fortnight ago
At Mrs. DE JENKYNSON'S ball,
I never expected you, KIT, to say " No "
r In tones that would ring through the hall,
lou dreamt not— how should you, of course ?— that the
sound
Of your voice would be heard far and wide,
But I did feel a fool when a titter went round
As we walked to your chaperon's side.
A beautiful maiden was never yet won,
'Tis said, by a faint-hearted swain ;
And so, Mistress KIT, ere the season is done
1 am sure to approach you again.
And oh ! if your feelings should leave you no choice
But to utter the verdict I dread,
Pronounce not my doom at the top of your voice,
But speak in a whisper instead.
PUNCH. OR THF, LOXI'nX ( 'HARIVAIU. -Ju.Y 1.'!, 1901.
TIME'S REVENGES.
SHADE OF GMXST-NE. " AND TO THINK THAT / INTRODUCED THIS ! '
i::, 1 DO 1.1
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON rilARI YARI.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
KXTII.\< TKI> MIM.M TIIK. 1'IMIY "K TollV, M.I'.
HIIIISI' of I 'niillliiiiin. Mmiilill/. .1 Illfl I.
Independence Day. At the Kmbassy
the- American Ambassador, witli his coat
off, liis shirt sleeve npt urncil displaying
brawnv arm, is shaking hands with
HI from obje-ct of most virule'iil e-on
uiely bv ( 'onservative- gentlemen to th
highest he-ight of the'ir adulation. AIM
he-re-, to night, is ( lit VM« 'i.i-n's sem, une-oii
scions eif the ceiine-ideiice, eli'iieinncing "
carefully organise-d alli-m])t, in which th
riyht hemourable- gentleman, the- Membe
for WEST BIKMIM.II \\i. has been ai
IN TIIK. Tr.MBnu. ; on, Ooiso TO IIIK (GENERAL ELECTION) GUILLOTINE.
Mr. lialfour (in a kind ot Mary-Aim-toilette) is led off in anticipation to the Place de la Ballottc
by Citizens Laboucliere, Macquennat, and Lotde-Georges.
citiz?ns of the great Republic who desire
to congratulate him upon the' fact that
lie 1 as lived to see the morning of this
momentous day.
" Yes," said Mr. CHOATK, rubbing his
disabled arm ; " but I 'in not sure 1 sliall
be alive at its close."
Tnhli'iiii II. In the Common! PRINCE
Aininn, as Opposition complain, cele-
brating day by severing House from its
Independence through operation of
guillotine, benches crowded. Indigna-
iou profound. .1 town fall of Empire
nnuinent. -Ions MOIII.KV affected almost
o tears by spectacle of "a Minister
unking such a motion as this."
\Vi\sro\ Ciirnciiii.i., not inclined to be
">nt of scene of this description, secures
•orner seat below ( iangway to left of
SPEAKER, and with hands on hips goes
or the (lovernment i'ii tiinx.ii', and DON
FOSE in particular. From this very seat
weiity years ago QfiANDOLPH, in precisely
same attitude, amid uproarious chi>crs
roni Conservative Party, charged DON
losi'; with conspiracy in respect of Aston
'ark riots. A great deal has happened
ince then ( IHXNIPOI.PH'S decline and too
arly death. U>N ,losi':'s transmogriiie-a-
accomplice and a consenting party, to
prevent my obtaining a hearing."
It is the Aston Park charge in every
point of bearing, save that the Cunirinu.
who makes it sits on the Liberal benches,
his voice drowned in stormy shouts of
execration from the Conservatives massed
in bristling ranks round the inoffensive
figure of the accused.
The whole thing, when we come to
think of it, is a melancholy farce.
" The only time," says the MKMIIKR FOR
SAIIK, "when the House of Commons
sinks to lower standard than when it is
discussing a closure proposition, is when
it is engaged upon a. case of privilege."
No one doubts the honesty and sin-
cerity of the seething indignation on
Opposition benches when PRINCE AKTIII it
proposes to hustle through the Licensing
Bill by wholesale closure. They really
do at the moment regard it as an
iniquitous attack on the privileges of
Parliament, the liberties of the country.
That was exactly the view taken, with
equal good faith, by PRINCE Aimint, his
older colleagues on the Treasury Bench,
I'ON .losi': anel the Unionist Opposition
of Is'.l.'i, when Mr. G., driven to despera-
tion by organised obstruction, submittet
an identical proposition in the inten-t
of the Home Kule Bill.
Then' is, of course, the difference tha
no obstruction is alleged in case ,,
Licencing Bill. But the principle
the same. To the cynical mind it is a
amusing to hear I'KISCK AliTIll It jnstif\
the application of closure by compart
nieiits as it is to hear C.-B. indignantly
denounce it. l>oiil)tless in a year 01
two we shall have the positions pre-
cisely reversed, as the-y were in IS!).'!
The fact is, what is the- Ministerialists
meat is the ( tppositiem's poison. "I'was
ever thus, anel ever will be to end o:
time.
I'lHxi IH-IOI done. -Closure re-solution
e-arrie-d by 301 votes against ii'S.
TvcHiln;/. By hcxik or by CROOKS the
-Me-mbe'r ibr \Vix>lwie-h resedveel te> keep
himself in sight of public: and hearing
of his constituents. Tonight hit on
fresh eleparture or to be pree-i>e-.
abse-nev of departure. Declined te> leave
House when SPEAKER ordered it to U
cle-aivel fe>r a division.
KVally nothing ne'w in this. Twenty
VKirs ago it was familiar weapon in
armoury of Mr. PAHXEU.'S gay young
men. In the session of 1881 thirty-
seven Irish Members, persisting in
refusal to budge when division was
called, were haled forth one by one.
Si'KAKKlc of those days more accommodat-
ing. To-night, Mr. Gt I.I.Y blandly
re-fused to take a hand in Mr. CROOKS'
little game of self-advertisement, anel
rENROSE-FirZGEIUI.n AND HIS BATH ToWEL.
No time to dress; wouldn't do to be left out.'
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[.I i i,v
it flickered out in ludicrous fashion.
Still the Member for WOOLWICH got
a line on the newspaper bills of the
following morning; so on the whole
it was worth while.
PEXROSE - FITZGERALD'S exploit more
amusing. This the day for his quar-
terly bath, which he enjoys at expense
of the nation. Whilst in full ecstasy
of unwonted diversion division bell
rang. No time to dress ; wouldn't do
to be left out. Just -been reading
about JOHN AKDAGH'S appearance on
deck of Vi'fi'iH arrayed in slippers
and bath towel. The very thing.
PEXROSE pucks himself up as carefully
as time will permit, runs up the gang-
way with the agility of an old yachts-
man, darts across floor with pained
consciousness of shining eyes gleaming
from the Ladies' Gallery on his svclt
figure, and so gets into Lobby, where
he is welcomed by ronsing cheer from
comrades envious of the suitability of
his garment to sultry weather.
Bon RICID not to be entirely out of it.
Neither of these exploits quite in his
way. But he can give a neat turn to
oratorical phrase. A familiar thing for
Members to conclude their speech with
the remark, "I sit down by saying —
An ex-Attorney General can do better
than that.
After showing cause at some length,
with convincing perspicacity and over-
whelming force, why report stage of
Licensing Bill should be omitted from
guillotine process, having divided his !
argument under two heads, he turned
to his learned friend in the chair and
remarked, " On those two points, Mr.
SPEAKER, I sit down."
There was no subject for dear FRANK
LOCKWOOD'S pencil more alluring than
the face and figure of his friend and
companion dear in morning rides to the
Law Courts. Had he still been with us
we should certainly have had a sketch
of Bon REID gravely sharpening his two
points, sitting down on them, and
suddenly rising.
Business done. — Closure resolutions
carried by majority of 55.
Friday. — After a week's fitful fever
PRIXCE ARTHUR, it is to be hoped, sleeps
well. It is understood that in holiday
time he is a pretty good practitioner in
the morning hours. He carries with
him into brief retirement recollection of
the triumph of at least one brilliant
speech. It was delivered in debate on
motion for application of closure to
Licensing Bill. It had the, supreme
merit of being absolutely unprepared.
Closely following JOHN MORLEY it was
purely a debating speech. How habile,
how exquisitely phrased, with what
flashes of gay humour underlying a
mood in which he was evidently deeply
moved \
It is a familiar matter that Members
below the Gangway opposite, and some
above it, should gird at the PREMIER
with more than suggestion that during
his absences from the Treasury Bench
he is amusing himself, or at least idling.
It is a suspicion that moves Members to
curiously profound anger. Felt more
acutely by those who were not them-
selves present at the moment to observe
the PREMIER'S defalcation.
The idea of another man's untimely
amusement at epochs of grave public
concern has always been distasteful.
Probably no man, however resourceful
and painstaking, has exceeded the
fiendish atrocities of NERO. The one
iniquity which to the Man in the Street
overshadows his morose iniquities is the
legend that lie fiddled whilst Rr>me was
burning.
The imaginative mind below the
Gangway, observing PRINCE ARTHUR'S
place empty whilst Mr. CAUWEIJ, is
discussing the question of Musical
Copyrights, or Mr. WIIITTAKER storming
round clauses of Licensing Bill, pictures
him tuning his lyre in his private room,
and is wrathful accordingly.
This all very well from some quar-
ters. But when a statesman of .lonx
MORLEY'S position and constitutional
moderation of speech publicly repeats
the charge it calls for reply.
This PRIXCE ARTHUR made. It is
worth reading in the verbatim reports.
But the most skilful stenography cannot
reproduce the humbled manner, the
adroit hesitation with which he assured
the House that if not present on the
Bench he was engaged in matters of
public interest, " which, if not of more
importance "— this with a winning smile
at gentlemen below the Gangway oppo-
site— "at all events involve much greater
personal labour and exertion.
" I can only say," he added, " that in
the course of a somewhat laborious
official career, the moments of greatest
repose I enjoy are the moments I spend
on this bench. It may not be agreeable
to listen to a series of tirades directed
either against myself or against the
policy of the Government. But," here
a moment of hesitation, the crowded
House straining attention to catch the
next words, " it is not fatiguing."
With assumption of another manner,
with change of a word or two here or
there, this reply might have conveyed a
sense of insolent indifference to petty
darts of political foemen. Such a tone
woidd have been unparliamentary, inch
an attitude injudicious on part of
Leader of House of Commons. All the
same the polished phrases, their delivery
accompanied by most urbane manner,
uncomfortably conveyed to whom it
might concern a subtle sense of that
mental attitude on the part of the
smiling gentleman standing by the
Table.
Business done. Irish Members ask
leave to withdraw the flattering remarks
they once passed on the Land Act of 1903.
HOO-HOOLIGANISM.
["The end cf the sentence was lost in Minis-
terial cries of indignation, to which the Opposi-
tion responded vigorously, some of the Irish
shout ng ' Hoo, hoo ! '
" The SPEAKER — That cry is not Parlia-
mentary." ---Morning Post, July 5.]
On loud interrupter, ambitious of fame
And eager for newspaper mention,
Forget not to study the rules of the game,
Which merit your careful attention ;
Interrupting is really an art, you will
find,
And therefore, whatever yon do,
Refrain, I entreat, from relieving your
mind
By resonant cries of " Hoo-hoo ! "
There are phrases in plenty to use in its
stead,
Expressions which, possibly weaker,
At least will not bring on your innocent
head
The dignified wrath of the SPEAKER ;
'' Rot " -"Question "- -" Shut up ! " may
be frequently tried,
They incur no official taboo,
Or, loud and continuous shouts of
" Divide ! "
But never, oh never, " Hoo-hoo ! "
When they prate about licensing benches
and boards,
It's really a virtuous labour
To talk of the crops, or the scoring at
Lord's
(At the top of your voice) with a
neighbour ;
There ure adequate methods, like
" Bosh ! " or " Pooh-bah ! "
For making a hullabaloo :
An angry " Oh, Oh," a derisive " Ha,
Ha ! "
Will serve you as well as " Hoo-hoo ! "
You may act in the House— in the "best
of all club.s "-
When anxious to show disapproval,
In a way which, adopted in common-
place pubs.,
Would promptly secure your removal ;
Indeed, you may raise your tumultuous
din
Till all (in a figure^ is blue,
Avoiding the one unforgivable sin,
By never exclaiming " Hoo-hoo! "
LAST week a pigeon suddenly made its
appearance at the House of Commons,
and, to the surprise of many, made itself
at home there. It is said to be an
imitation dove-of-peace syndicated by the
Liberal leaders.
.III.Y 1:5, I'.MM.;
PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
THK Mi U.AH is reported to !»• moving
with (i(MH» men and l'(XK) ritles, :iud it is
hoped that lie knows, what our ( lovcrn-
inent knows, that he is jMiwerless.
In Russian Poland sonic dninkcn
sotnias of Coeaacks were encouraged to
enter a jn-ison and attack defenceless
political prisoners,
gouging out the
eyes of some. As
the ,S'n-/, of St.
Petersburg, says,
" When it comes
to barbarity, we
arc helpless before
the Japanese, We
are Christians."
1'iK-rCnoxjE, the
ex-Boer command-
ant, has been
married, and we
understand that
the second Mrs.
CliiiXJK objects to
her husband being
described as the
hero of a hundred
engagements.
Those who
scoffed at the
Entente with
France and de-
clared that it was
not durable, must
now admit an
error of judg-
ment. Three
hundred British
workmen have
visited Paris, and
the Entente still
exists.
'I he Indepen-
dence celebrations
in America were
a great success
this year. But
the roll of killed
a ii d i n j n red
roughly MIX) is
considered small
for so free a
country.
Mr. ASQUITH
stigmatised Mr.
MAI, KICK'S Closure
proposals, which
were received by
his party with
cries and yells of
"Gag!" "Muzzle!"
T y r a n n y !
"Hanky-panky ! "
CHAR1VARIA.
and " Throttler ! " as an outrage on (In-
dignity of the House.
When the division bell rang, the
I'nionist member tor ('AMHI<M«;I: was
having a bath. We consider the sneer
that no Radical M.I', has ever been snr
SUCH IS FAME!
every irirli to encourage conversation, to gentleman just introducetft. " YOUR
1I.IAR To MK INDEED FOR T11F. LAST TEN TEAM."
AND MAY I ASK WIUT
IT WAS THAT FIRST
JhicJtt'XH (trith
NAME IS VERY FAHII.IA
Minor Poet (flattereil). " INDEED, DUCHESS !
ATTRACTED Veil ? "
Duel,,-**. "\VEI.I, I WAS STAYING WITH I.ADY WA! PKIiSHAW, AND SHE HAD A MOST INDIFFERENT
'(.UK, AND WHENEVER WE FOUND FAULT WITH ANY DIMI SHE ALWAYS C.UOTED YOV, \ND SAID THAT
I'W I.IKEII IT SO '"
prised in similar circiunstane.'s to be
in bad taste and uncalled for.
It is not a fact that the Government
will resign. Mr. RM.IOUI has got his
guillotine, and intends to cut, but not
to cut dittl run.
"In my opi
nion," says Sir
KDWMIII (iiiKY,
" it is best for us
to depart from
our policy of
'splendid isol-i
lion.' " This is
taken to fore-
shadow an in-
crease in tin-
it umber of Liberal
leaders.
An anonymous
gift of £1(XKI has
been sent to the
Additional Cu-
rates' Society.
We understand it
comes from two
young ladies who
reside in an Adam-
less Kdeu.
It is now pro-
posed that there
should ba a tax
on cats. This
seema a natural
corollary to the
proposed tax on
bachelors.
The new Forage
Cap has made its
appearance. The
previous pattern,
it will be re-
membered, neces-
sitated a change
in the headgear of
the Westminster
road cleaners.
Now, we hear, the
London shoe-
blacks are run-
ning the risk of
proceedings for
bringing his Ma-
jesty's uniform in-
to contempt.
The Daily M.til
last week pub-
lished an article
entitled, "The
Times — Poor
people who buy it
every day." We
34
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 13, 1904.
fail to see that they are more deserving
nl pity than the readers of the halfpenny
press.
A restaurant waitress declared at the
Sboreditch County Court that her em-
ployer gave her notice because she
refused, as she said, to "mash" the
customers. The Judge declined to
believe her, Lut it is not improbable
that she was speaking the truth. We
know a ease of a cook being dismissed
because she refused to mash the potatoes.
In a consignment of Jamaica bananas
unpacked last week at Bradford a lively
little opossum was found, and careful
folk are now opening their fruit before
eating it.
An American Judge has held that
insanity is not a ground for divorce.
He will be supported by a great
weight of opinion among those
who contend that marriage is
originally impossible without
insanity in at least one of the
parties.
think men are always thinking about
women."
"What," she asked, "do you think
lie is thinking about?"
" I would bet anything, from the look
of his face, that he's just heard of the
reconstruction of the Bunkum Mine, and
is wishing to goodness he hadn't been
such a fool, and a great deal more, as to
follow that absolutely safe tip and take
five hundred shares in such a rotten
swindle."
"Just like you men," she said scorn-
fully, " always thinking everyone is
absorbed in money. That wouldn't
make him so miserable. He only has to
take a cab to the Stock Exchange and
sell his shares."
"Of course," I assented, "at three-
halfpence each."
"I don't know anything," said she,
" about the price of shares. I know you
buy them one day and sell them another,
LOVE OR MONEY?
THE other afternoon I was
having tea with PHYLLIS in
Kensington Gardens, where
there is the nearest approach
to an open-air cafe to be found
in our sedate and lugubrious
country. We have nothing
between the two extremes of
;he tea-shop and the gin-
palace. But in that sylvan
resort in the middle of Lon-
don, if the July weather i
not wet, or stormy, or cold, or foggy,
one can spend a very pleasant hour with
pretty and charming guest. And
PHYLLIS is all that.
As I smoked my cigarette in idle con-
/entment — for the arm-chair was quite
comfortable, there was just enough
>reeze and sunshine, and as a decorative
eature of the landscape it would be
lard to find the equal of PHYLLIS — I
Marker. " RK.ST, SIR?"
The Giraffe. " No, THANKS.
I THINK I CAN BEACH
man sitting near.
perceived a mournful
n that radiant scene his despondent
ace, his twitching mouth, his morose
rown annoyed me. Why should the
vretchecl fellow appear so miserable, so
ilack and ugly — like a steamer on a
Venetian lagoon, or a thundercloud on a
u miner sky?
"He looks," said PHYLLIS, when she
Iso noticed him, "as if he was thinking
)f her."
"No," I replied in a low voice, though
was too far off to hear, " I venture
o disagree with you. If she had been
o unkind as to make him look like
hat, he would have given up thinking
bout her long ago. Women always
and make a lot of money. It 's quite
easy."
" Nothing easier. I must really try it."
" Very well, then," she continued,
triumphantly, " that settles it. It can't
be money. He is thinking of her."
It is foolish to contradict PHYLLIS. As
I lighted another cigarette, the depressed
stranger looked at his watch, and, rest-
ing his elbow on the table and his cheek
on his hand, took a letter from his pocket
and glanced at it.
"Her letter," said PHYLLIS.
" I 'in not so sure. It may be a call."
"A what?" she asked.
" A call. Something you have to pay."
" Of course you have to pay calls.
But why should that make him so
miserable? He need only leave a card,
if he chooses the time the people are
sure to be out. I 'in certain he is dis-
appointed in love. I feel really sorry
for the poor man. He looks quite ill.
I 'm sure it 's not money. He doesn't
look that sort of man."
" Indeed ! What does the sort of man
look like who enjoys losing money ? "
" You 've no sympathy with anybody
I think he has a very interesting face."
" It 's swollen on one side as if he 'c
been fighting. He has a hang-dog look
and his hair wants cutting. I don't see
much to admire in him."
"I think she has treated him very
badly."
" The more fool he not to keep his
money in Consols."
At this moment the object of our
whispered remarks got up and walked
slowly away. The breeze seemed cooler,
the sun was overclouded, and one leg oi
my chair began to sink into the grass.
" Let 's be off," said PHYLLIS, pulling
round her shoulders that fluffy sort oJ
thing which is always slipping down.
As we got out of the Park into the
streets at Knightsbridge we saw the
melancholy stranger before us. He
looked at his watch, and at a house, and
hesitated, "Her home," whispered
PHYLLIS. Then, seeming to
screw up his courage, he rang
the bell and went in. As we
passed the door we read on a
brass plate,
" Mr. WRENCH, Surgeon
Dentist."
A RIPLEY ROAD MARTYR.
[It is understood that those who
formerly enjoyed the rural calm of
the country highway are now re-
turning to the streets of the metro-
polis in search of pure air and
quiet surroundings.]
I M:\KR have clung to a motor
car,
Or crouched on a motor bike.
Worry and scurry, clank and
jar
I cordially dislike.
I do not care for grimy hair,
For engines that explode,
But of one and all I've the put and
call,
For I live on the Ripley Road.
I drank the country breeze at first,
Unsoiled by fetid fumes,
But now I am cursed with a constant
thirst
That parches and consumes.
I am choked and hit with smoke and
grit
When I venture from my abode,
My pets are maimed and my eyes in-
flamed,
For I live on the Ripley Road.
I pass my days in a yellow fog,
My nights in a dreadful dream.
Haunted by handlebar, clutch and cog,
And eyes that goggle and gleam.
I am not robust, but I dine on dust,
Gratuitously bestowed,
And for twopence I '11 sell my house in
the dell
By the side of the Ripley Road.
i-r.xrii. m; Tin-: LONDON CIIAIMYAKI.
OPERATIC NOTES.
IN n ii i. -('(jin i in1 of I In1 gracious patron-
age be.-.lowed I iv their Majesties, the
Prince and Princess of \\ \i.i> and the
" I '|i|ic|- Sllkkle-, " ^eneralK . oil tllC JK •I'-
ll 'Finance given al His .Majesty's own
theayter liy .Mr. ISi.uaiollM TKI.I;. ami
aristocratic talent appearing in charm-
ing tableaux for tin- benefit of the
British ( )|i|illi;ilinif llo,pital in .lerii
sail-in, to the great delight of the
charitable sightseers in London, the
first representation of M\SSIM;I'S opera
S./A inic. which had been announced for
Tuesday night, wa-i. by desire, deferred
until Wednesday, on which occasion
our music-loving .Monarch, I'atron of all
the Arts, honoured the /or/inV/r wilh
his presence. .Much was expected from
such a lirM ni^lit, \vhereal of the two
Operatic and Artistic Kecorder.-. namely,
Professor pen and Professor Pencil, on Sofomrf CWe& " Kindly
.l/i'. I'liin-li'.t stall', only tlie latter was able to be present.
the former being temporarily represented by a " Faithful
And ' in whom Professor J'eu has the most implicit con-
fidence. His own personal views the Professor himself
hopes to be alile to record on the second representa-
tion of ,s',iAi///i:, whose name, when lie is on more familial-
terms with the lady, he will abbreviate (all new pieces,
dramatic or operatic, require shortening in order to avoid
more cutting remarks) to the monosyllabic Sal.
On this (ccaMon the Professor is informed that on faigalt
millf riniilili','. Naturally. The name of MASSINKT for music-
ami CM.U: for dramatic opera being a combination of unusual
at tl net ion, no wonder that, as my "tricksy sprite " reports,
the house was crammed. From tlie same trustworthy source
I le.irn tint "the FiiM Act overflows with beautiful melody,
Cllirics AMi Pi KFKISS.
Kiilv'.H-lr. First Xi,i;lit uf Sal B.
j'irk uji tliis dagger, as I want, to put, an end to myself and tl»> Ojicr.i."
and that there is a line musical and dramatic scene to which
.Madame KUIKIIV Lrxx. as llr.viliHi'li' ( being rather a venomous
person, 'She 's-a-toad ' would be more appropriate) ami
\lnfiiirlii. no, I should say correctly Morianie, — Roi fEthiope,
played by M. RKNAUP, did full justice." The l)allets //•••/.
de ballets — throughout the opera somewhat recall tlniM- in
A'iiln. My Dainty
Ariel says, " CALM':,
always beautiful ill
voice and move-
ment, never has any
real opportunities
in this opera." In
the Second Act M.
Pi \sro.v, the Chal-
da-an astrological
priest, " has a fine,
chance and makes
the most of it."
Act III. is " intro-
duced by a lovely
melody." Every
one must have been
I ileased at this in-
t rod net ion. But
here break we off
until the second re-
presentation on the
llith, after which,
at no very great distance of time, will come " the closure " of
the Opera season.
Our old friend Cains and Balbas iu 0110 —
Ciilill'Tt.
JEsop on Tour.
A voi'Ni; Swain was sitting in the Stalls with tv Damsel
who deemed him to be a Dramatic and imh-ed every other
kind of Critic. "Did you note," said he, "the Face of tin-
merely ornamental Lady at the Back of the Stage when
S// //'»(•/,• began to sharpen his Knife? Did you catch her
beautifully feigned glance of horror as she turned for Protec-
tion to the equally ornamental Gentleman her companion ''.
It is such apparent Trifles that make for Perfection in Art,
and Perfection, as MICIIAKI AM;KU> remarked "1 low-
clever you are, KrsT.u •!•:," murmured the Damsel, "and how
' il iservant ! " But what the merely ornamental I /ady at theliack
of the Stage was really saying to the equally ornamental
gentleman her Companion was. "JoBMBIE, for goodness' sake
lend me a safety-pin ! " Monti . Never judge by appearances.
36
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Ji-LY 13, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
MOST appropriately Mr. SwixnrnxK. presenting through
nrn. JD Wixms's publishing house the first collected
i i • * 1, +, , " i.-n- I wict a Tin ( |pni*AHT
of his poems, dedicates them to "my beat and dearest
friend, TIIEOIX.KI: WATTS-DuNTOH. Since the
time of DAVID and JONATHAN there have been
few friendships so intimate and so helpful as
that long existing between the prose writer
and the poet. The dedicatory epistle adds
fresh interest to the life-long work of the
genius who is not the Poet Laureate. The
magician takes us into his laboratory and
shows us how the spell was worked. Many of
the principal poems are discussed, their form of composition
explained, their purpose defended. Studying his own work
in retrospect, behold the poet finds it very good. I find,
lie writes "little to recant and nothing to repent on recon-
sideration of them aU. Nothing I wish to cancel, to alter, or
to unsay in any page I have ever laid before my reader.
To the present generation it will seem unnecessary that tins
should be said. SwismiiNE is now accepted as one of
three great poets of the last half of the nineteenth century.
But the present generation forget, or do not know of, the
storm, approaching execration, that greeted some of his
earliest works. The first volume contains the Poems and
B-illids Five others will follow, the whole a precious
possession, which my Baronite chiefly delights in as worthily
presenting the work of the singer who in loftier strain more
intimate, more musical than others, has sung " the revels and
the terrors and the glories of the sea."
Let my gentlest readers get hold of The Diamonds, by
J. S. FLETCHER (Dioi)Y, LONU & Co.). These are real sparklers
in the way of crime, and the ingenuity of the plot is as
remarkable as is the lightness of the author's descriptive
narration of the most thrilling deeds. Never within the
Baron's recollection have horrors been so cheerfully treated ;
nor, on the other hand, could the moral that
" 111 deeds will rise,
Though all the world o'erwhelm them from men's eyes,"
be more powerfully enforced. In the course of this story
there are five murders, and not two of them alike; three
deaths, of sorts, varied, and one suicide. The reader may
sup full of horrors, and yet sleep the sleep of the just,
pleasantly is this dose administered that it can be wit
scruple recommended by the Faculty which the Baron has
the honour of representing.
the i^ierlofk llolmex romances, nor, except when occasionally
the late Detective " is inclined to tell us " how it 's done,"
does any one of them rise much above the level of slightly-
developed police-reports. Perhaps the comparison between
the fictions invented by the arch-romancer Sir CONAN DOYI.K,
and the facts as told by the prosaic, JOHX SWEENEY, is only
another illustration of the truth conveyed in Master /Esop's
old fable of the triumph of ait over nature, as instanced in
the imitated squeak of the pig and the genuine article.
The Art Magazine so ably conducted by Mr. M. H. SPIEL-
MANN has conie to an end, to the Baron's great regret. It
may have a future before it in some other form when in these
practical money-coining days the motto of its proprietors
shall be expressed in the words of Hamlet to Poloniu*, " More
matter and less Art."
Had
period
o
be without
The Countess of Mountenoy (JoHN LONG), by Mrs. STAXNAHD,
alias JOHN STRANGE WINTER, preferring to have her literary
merits recognised as the author of Booth's
Baby, is a cleverly -written story, working out
a decidedly original plot. In a certain sense it
is a drama without a villain, for the heroine
herself supplies the deficiency, and yet will she
be acquitted by a jury of sensible matrons.
What must be termed, conventionally, the
denouement ties still tighter the cords with
which the heroine has bound herself, and in
this tight place the authoress, most artistically, leaves her.
At Scotland Yard, " being the experiences during twenty-
seven years' service of JOHN SWEENEY, late Detective-Inspector
Criminal Investigation Department, New Scotland Yard,"
edited by FRANCIS HICIIAKHS (GRANT RICHARDS), is a decidedly
attractive title for all who affectionate tales of crime and
mystery, and, reckoning himself of this number, the Baron was
considerably disappointed with these very plain tales from
the police courts, which are not within measurable distance of | time.
"Q" or ANTHONY HOPE selected for a romance the
that has been chosen by MAY WYNNE in her For
Faith a nd Navarre ( JOHN LONG) we should have had a fine
plot, carefully woven, and running through breathlessly
exciting scenes painted with the broad touch and bold
colouring of a Sir Jonx GII.IIEKT, while such details as might
lie essential to the story would have rested upon a basis of
historical truth, which is lacking to this novel, at least in
those portions of it where the authoress has relied upon
exploded fables which were "once upon a time" regarded as
gospel truth by the illiterate, the bigoted, and the wilfully
ignorant. Such episodes as concern cut-and-thrust duds,
assault and battery, gallant rescues, or attempts at assassina-
tion, and such-like stock-in-trade material of the melodrama-
tist, are fairly well told ; but the narrative portion is wordy
and the scheme inartistic.
To-Morrow? is a queer sort of book, cleverly written, but
unnecessarily spun out, by VICTORIA. CROSS (WALTER SCOTT Co.).
If my readers be acquainted with the authoress's previous
works, Six Ghnj^rm of a Mann Life and Anna Lombard,
they will pretty well know beforehand what to expect from
the same bold hand. Here, however, there is more of sugges-
tion than of action, the analysis of which is rather left to
the attentive reader, than expressed by the authoress. It
represents the start in life, and in love, of a youth of excep-
tional literary talent, whose self-worship, seiiMiousness, and
ntter lack of nobility of mind blind him to his own errors,
and cause him— where the love of a frail erotic supersensuous
girl-artist, which he has won,
is concerned — to mistake duty
for self-sacrifice. Girl and man
are represented as a couple of
mortals who have neither the
philosophy of paganism to sus-
THE
BARON
tain them, nor Christian faith
to direct and console them in
their miserably wasted lives.
The weirdly-imagined story is to
a certain extent powerful, but
is decidedly not pleasant, and its
perusal might well be deferred
till— To-morrmp.
DE
B.-W.
SCIENTISTS are still puzzled to know how it is that, in
a basket of strawberries, in direct contravention of a well-
known' law of nature, the heaviest specimens always rise to
the top.
IT is rumoured that on one of the hot days last week
some stripped tobacco was seen to be having a nice cool
JULY 20, 1901.]
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON CII.MMVAIM.
37
THE ART OF POPULARITY.
( \\"tlli ,irl;)i<>ii-l,'<l:/niciilx In " llintn- < 'lint."
A r.'ii.iir.x rule fur the achievement n|
social success is to 1)0
FoinncoMiv; HUT NOT FULSOME.
I'on't lie careless or indifferent ;i]iuiil
meeting people half <ir even l\vu-tliini>
(.f the way. Hut to overdo affability is
a fatal error. Thus, to take a )i|-aetie.il
iustaiiee, it is quite right to offer a
fellow passenger a newspaper, or, on
rar -casions. a sandwich. But to
volunteer to pay the excess fare of a
total stranger, should he lie travelling
in a class superior to his fare that is
going " lie.vond the lieyonds."
Above all tilings cultivate a good
memory for faces and names. To do SO
is an act of loyally, as well as good
policy, for is not the faculty of remem-
bering laces a peculiarly royal gift?
Vet kings remember, not by divine
right, but as the result of careful train-
ing. When the German IvMt'K.iioit was
in petticoats he was sternly punished if
he could not remember the face of every
Pomeranian grenadier at Potsdam.
There is a touching anecdote of
QUEEN ELIZABETH
in her old age encountering one of her
courtiers and saying, more in Borrow
than in anger, " 1 remember your name,
but I can't put a face to it."
If one were asked to define the highest
form of popularity, perhaps the best
answer would be that it was the art of
DIFFUSING SUNSHINE.
To attain this laudable result, health-
fulness is an indispensable adjunct.
No valetudinarian was ever widely
popular. Nowadays, however, thanks
to the multiplicity of infallible hygienic
systems, no one has any excuse for not
being perfectly robust. But exceptional
cases do sometimes occur, and if you
should be unable to acquire the boon of
health remember that it is always pos-
sible to counterfeit its manifestations.
A touch of rouge, a pair of elevators,
artificial calves -if knickerbockers are
worn — • these are only a few of the
obvious devices by which a resolute and
high-minded nature is able to rise
superior to circumstances. Remember,
again, that a
NICE BRIGHT VOICE
is one of the. surest passports to favour.
Many a good man, and many a true-
hearled woman, has been terribly handi-
capped in the race of life by a husky,
gruff or squeaky voice. No doubt some
persons are unduly favoured by nature
in this respect. But though we cannot
all be Chrysostoms, patience and prac-
tice will work wonders with the most
intractable set of vocal chords. In this
ART AND NATURE.
(Overheard during the Private Theatricals.)
Slie. "How WELL YOCR WIFE PLATS LADY GESALDISB, MR. JONES. I THINK TOE WAY
PUTS ON THAT AWFUL AFFECTED TONE IS JUST SPLENDID. HOW DOES SHE MANAGE IT?"
Mr. Jones (with embarrassment). " ER — SHE DOESN'T. THAT 's HER NATURAL VOICE."
context it is right to emphasise the
value of a
MUSICAL LAUGH,
which at all times and in all ages has
proved a wondrous means of enlisting
good will. This, too, can be acquired
by diligent practice. At any rate, it is
always possible to modify or suppress
the vulgar chuckle, the imseemly guffaw
or the square-mouthed laugh which
are so distressing to persons of refined
and sensitive tympanums. But though
a musical laugh is a delightful accom-
plishment it needs to be indulged in
with moderation. To laugh at every-
thing is the sign of the zany. Be
cheerful by all means, but do not
emulate the hyiena. To conclude this
portion of our discourse, if you cannot
laugh with elegance, it is always possible
to fall back on a winning smile.
MR. J. F. MARSH, who recently "made
172 not out for Cambridge against
Oxford, has been appointed to a master-
ship at Rosgall School ; but the Rev.
F. H. GILLINGHAM, of Essex, who com-
piled 201 against Middlesex, is still
waiting for a vacancy on the Episcopal
Bench.
38
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 20, 1904.
THE PERILS OF PARTISAN HUMOUR.
rri.n ipthods of Mr A. UPWARD, emissary of the Eighty Club, «ncl
BUetor, in which he parodied some popular Ku*
been rebuked iu certain L.beral quarters.]
R MtE as the lush oases which allure
The humpsd camel coursing tlirough baliara,
(Sometimes defective as a water^ure
Owing to bitters, like the stuff at Mara) ;—
Rare as the few, among the many called, _
Chosen to speed the sacred Bacchic orgies"-
0 ve in Humour's priesthood robed and stalled,
Our WILFRID LAWSOXS and our D. LLOYD-GEORGES !
How have the wells of laughter been defiled
From which vou drew the crystal potion cupward .
How must your cheeks have flamed when Chertsey •.railed
Over the errant Muse of Mr. UPWARD !
For he ignored the elemental ride
(Since manners count in even this profession)
That whoso means to play the chartered fool
Must wear his motley with a nice discretion,
Nor take that facile pathway towards the pit
That tempts the prentice while his tastes are callow,
A nd outrage by a cheap and obvious wit
The themes that old associations hallow.
'Twas bad to break this first of Humour's laws ;
But there was worse offence and yet more weighty
In that his ribald license wrecked the Cause
Of those who sent him out— the noble Eighty !
On them, I feel, the luck was very hard
Who pinned their hopes, all new and freshly spangled,
On that rare thing, a comic Liberal bard, —
And lo ! the jester's bells were badly jangled.
But here 's a lesson we might lay to heart,
We other mountebanks with various missions,
Who turn a decent self-respecting Art
Into the hireling hack of politicians.
She would be mistress, privileged to look
Round corners like an independent critic ;
We bound her vision by our party's book,
Exacting service purely parasitic.
Spoiled of her right to " free, arouse, dilate "
Through laughter tempered by a wide humanity,
She drops abruptly from her high estate
Into the muddy fen of mere profanity.
So you, good Sirs, whose wit is still urbane
But yet eschews the charms of deviation,
Who, having JOE and ARTHUR on the brain,
Conceive no other source of cachinnation, —
Remember Chertsey, and the Cause undone !
Tempt not your virtuous Art a touch too sorely ;
But let her try and find a little fun,
Just for a change, in BANNERMAN or MORLEY ! 0. S.
0 rioA\oi
8e r
e jrafpo*.
FROM the Midland Counties Tribune :—
" The Japs will not permit any news to come through, and it
probable that Port Arthur will have fallen before the intelligem
reaches this country."
.We. Punch doubts it. He has far too high an opinion i
the enterprise of modern journalism. What about Pekin ?
BRIDGE PROBLEMS.
Solution of Problem No. 591. — A.'s hand consists of the
seven top spades in sequence, four hearts to the knave, the
three of clubs and the two of diamonds. " No Trumps " is
declared on A.'s right, and he thus has the opening lead.
What card should 'he play? Score, one game all, and
eighteen all.
A plebiscite of our competitors selects the ace of spades as
he correct card, and, though the hand is not an easy one to
Jay correctly, we are inclined to agree. It is worth noticing
liat as A. holds the seven top cards of the suit, the nine
vould really be as effective a lead as the ace. Some of our
olvers have missed this delicate point. " Nothing Venture "
[links A. might have ventured to double the declaration,
jut it must be remembered that a score of twelve will give
V. and B. the rubber, and students should always remember
o play to the score. " Bird in the Bush " suggests, incor-
ectly, we think, the lead of a small heart. On the supposi-
ion, lie continues, that A.'s partner has ace, king, queen,
nd another heart, the knave will form an invaluable card
f re-entry.
Biidye Problem No. 592. — A. and B. are partners against
\ and D. A. deals; his liand is— Diamonds, A K J 9 8 5.
Hearts, J 8. Spades, 7 3. Clubs, Q 6 2. While meditating
le observes his partner sorting his cards with obvious signs
f delight and impatience. Should A. make diamonds or
pass the declaration ? Score, one game and twenty-four-love
11 the dealer's favour. Give reasons for your answer.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
ENQUIRER. — Your action in taking your partner's king with
vour ace, in the hope of unblocking, although, as you admit,
t unfortunately allowed your adversaries to score five tricks
in the suit, was well conceived. Your partner's method of
welcoming this coup, by throwing a soda-water syphon at
your head, seems to us to have shown an unfair tendency to
judge actions solely by their results. It was unlucky that
you were too stunned to explain your motives clearly.
PUZZLED. — Upon no account, when the declaration is left
to you, should you declare "No Trumps" on the ground
that you have no suit good enough to make trumps. Without
in any way justifying the language used by your partner,
we can understand that it would not alleviate his chagrin to
hear your excuse that you fancied four knaves coimted four-
teen above the line. We should not advise you to play
shilling points with strangers.
ENTHUSIAST. — With only one trump and no court cards,
you had clearly a very doubtful chance of establishing your
seven clubs to the ten, though, as you say, it would have
been a very useful suit to bring in. We sympathise with
you more than your partner appears to have done, but these
freaks of fortune give one of the chief charms to the game.
ANXIOUS PARENT. —Your daughter should obviously have
returned Mr. GOLDSTOCK'S lead. Whether, with five pounds
depending on the rubber, he was justified in breaking of
the engagement on the spot, is a point we prefer to leave to
a jury to decide. We cannot at the moment recollect if there
is any test case.
CHICANE. — You were too light to make " No Trumps " or
an exposed hand. The fact that your partner, before leaving
it to you, hesitated for three minutes, and asked twice wha
the score was, seems to have misled you. It was doubh
unfortunate that his indecision should have been due to ai
uncertainty whether his own hand was sufficiently bad to
justify a protective spade declaration. Yes : Grand Slan
counts forty, whatever the trump is.
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JULY 20, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
41
^™*. — •
fe^
4,,
DRAWING THE LINE.
Owner. "WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE HIM?"
Intending Purchaser (who has been trying Hie horse). " OH, HE 's ALL BIGHT, BUT NO GOOD FOB OUB COUNTRY."
Owner. " WHY 'a THAT ? "
I. P. " WELL, YOU SEE, WE 'BE TOO FAB FROH THE SEA ; AND I THINK THAT 's THE ONLY THING WOULD STOP HIM ! "
WAYS TO WEALTH.
[" There is something undeniably attractive
about a book which purports to reveal 'One
Hundred and One Easy Ways of Making Money
in Spare Hours.' We all of us have some
spare hours, we all of us could do with more
money, we are most of us capable of compass-
ii:g the easy." — Westminster Gazette.]
" AT last," thought I, " the road is plain
Which I have sought so long in vain.
No more penurious thrift, no more
The counting of my niggard store
With anxious frown, no sordid care
To save a sixpence here and there
On filling vegetarian fare.
Riches are now for me. Behold
A hundred ways to wealth untold ! "
I seized the book with trembling hand,
And eagerly the pages scanned.
Way One : the poodle-clipping trade
Is one where money may be made.
You ask whatever sums you please,
And ladies give you lordly fees
If you have skill to comb and wave,
And give their pets an easy shave.
(The writer adds that any noodle
j Can soon be taught to clip a poodle.)
'. Thus are your fortunes swiftly mended,
Nor is your dignity offended.
Way Two suggests a cure for those
Who find the rent a source of woes.
Why see your hard-earned savings spent
To pay a greedy landlord's rent,
And swell his unearned increment?
Why stint and starve and pinch and
screw?
Why not let him provide for you 9
" Caretake " his empty flats, and he
Not only lets you live rent-free,
But adds a modest weekly fee.
Way Three will help you supplement
Still further what you save from rent.
Pigs are delightful pets, and may
By any fool be made to pay.
They thrive and fatten anywhere
On simple inexpensive fare,
Finding an appetising meal
In tea-leaves and potato peel —
What otherwise were wash is taken,
And turned to marketable bacon.
The thoughtful writer also mentions
A few desirable inventions.
In simple things which none supply,
Yet all demand, great fortunes lie —
A linen cuff that will not fray,
A stud that never rolls away,
A hat-pin that defies the wind,
A head to which it can be pinned,
A foldable perambulator,
A cooler clime for the equator,
A low-flash oil that won't explode,
A skirt that 's always a la mode,
A cure for children when they blubber,
A substitute for india-rubber,
A lighter that will light a fire,
A self-inflating cycle tire —
When next you have a leisure] hour,
Make use of your inventive power,
And lo ! before you are aware,
You '11 find yourself a millionaire.
42
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 20, 1904.
THE CHANTREY BEQUEST
INVESTIGATION.
(A Purely Imaginary Report.)
AN extraordinary sitting of the Com-
mittee of Peers elected to inquire into
the administration of the Chantrey
Bequest was held on Friday last in the
Peacock Room now being exhibited in
Bond Street.
Lord WINDSOR AND NEWTON was in the
chair, and among those present were the
Karl of CREWE, the Earl of LYTTON, and
Lord RIBBLESDALE accompanied by
several buckhounds. In an ante-room
were assembled a number of witnesses.
The proceedings began with a dis-
cussion as to what constitutes a good
picture. There are pictures, said the
Chairman in his opening remarks, and
pictures. (Hear, hear.) Some are large,
some are small. Some are painted by
hand — (Loud applause) — others by
machinery. (Shame.) The pictures
which concerned the noble Lords present
were painted by hand. (Great enthu-
siasm.) Peers had rarely been painters
themselves, but they had always been
foremost among collectors. Hence their
fitness for the present investigation.
Suck was his own well-known interest
in art that a "screever" had taken up
his station on the pavement opposite his
(the speaker's) house, and had maintained
himself there for years. (Cheers and
Hear, hear.)
But, to come to the question, What is
a good picture ? On that point opinions
differed. Some persons considered the
" Fighting Temeraire " by TURNER, in the
National Gallery, a good picture —
RUSKIN among others — but an American
critic had likened it to a sandy cat in a
bath of tomato salad. Who should
decide when doctors disagreed ? (Cheers.)
The Earl of LYTTON remarked that it
was patent to the merest tyro that the
administrators of the Chantrey Bequest
had no notion of what was good art and
what bad. He wept when he thought
of the pigs that had lost their lives to
afford the bristles for the brushes of
such incompetent craftsmen.
The Chairman pointed out that a pig
need not be killed in order to supply
bristles. It can be shaved.
The noble Lord, in accepting the cor-
rection, remarked that his tears fell none
the less. Also for the camels whose
hair was similarly sacrificed and
abused.
The Earl . of CHEWE concurred. He
said that he would be ashamed to have
even his house painted by some of the
Chantrey Bequest artists.
Lord RinBLESDALE, rising to a point of
order, said that they were departing
from the question, What is a good pic-
ture? For his part he thought that a
full-length portrait of a good sportsman,
if recognisably painted, was a good
picture. He had such a one in his
mind. (Cheers from the luckltounds.)
The Chairman suggested that they
should decide upon a picture which all
of them knew, and should canvass —
(Cries of Order! Order!) — its merits.
Let them take, for example, " The Soul's
Aiatki'nimj." Was tliat a good picture?
(Prolonged sensation.)
After a long pull at a pocket flask of
old copal varnish, the Earl of LYTTON
proposed that the witnesses should be
examined.
The Beadle of Burlington Arcade, who
was the first witness to be called, said
that it was impossible to live as near the
Royal Academy as he did without know-
ing a good deal about art. There were
good pictures there, in good frames too.
Sir EDWARD POYNTER often gave him a
nod as he went by — a real gentleman
and no mistake, and a judge of pictures
and of frames too.
Mr. D. S. MAcCoLL, the next witness,
said that he was an art critic. It was
true that he had exhibited pictures at a
London gallery. The gallery was a very
small one. It was not true that he
nourished a grievance against the Chan-
trey Bequest administrators because
they had never bought any of his
pictures. He was glad that they had
not, for it left him more freedom of
action. He did not set a very high
value on his own sketches — they were
modest little Barbizonian things. It was
not true that they had been reproduced
as picture postcards.
In reply to one of Lord RIBULESDALE'S
buckhounds, the witness said that he
did not greatly admire LANDSEER.
Mr. C. NAPIER HEMY, who came next,
appeared in a sou'wester and jack boots,
singing a well-known sailors' chantrey.
In his opinion the Fund was admirably
administered. The pictures were well
chosen, and paid for on the nail.
Mr. JOHN SINGER SARGENT was the last
witness of the day. He said he was an
American by birth, but preferred
Europe. It was not true that he never
painted Christians. He had occasionally,
lie must admit, tried his hand on a
commoner, but he would not do so again.
Asked to say what he thought of the
pictures bought by the Chantrey Fund,
he replied that he preferred baseball to
cricket, and STRAUSS to SOUSA. There was
a little thing called, " Carnation, Lily,
Lily, Rose," which he rather liked.
Pressed to be more explicit he drew his
mahl stick. . . .
On the return of the Committee, Lord
RIBBLESDALE asked the witness if he
enjoyed painting portraits, to which the
reply was that it depended on the sitter.
He did not exhibit exclusively at the
Royal Academy ; at the present time, in
addition to the peers and peeresses at
Burlington House, he had another scene
of mules at the New English Art Club.
[Tlie inquiry was then adjourned.
CHARIVARIA.
WITH admirable impartiality, the
Express, after divulging the Russian
plan of attack on India, published the
British scheme of defence. It is satis-
factory to learn that there is no admit-
tance "to India from the north save by
pass, and the stage-managers do not
propose to give any away.
Accidents in war are inevitable.
Reuter telegraphs tliat about a thousand
Tibetans fled into the Rong Valley.
The German officers, after their in-
spection of the dockyard and the
defence works at Plymouth, expressed
the utmost satisfaction with all they had
seen. This is a knock-down blow- just
when we were hoping everything was
in order.
By a new Admiralty regulation no
spies are admitted to our dockyards and
defence works unless they are in uni-
form.
All the dynamite guns mounted as
coast defences in the United States are
to be sold by auction, the War Depart-
ment regarding them as obsolete. It is
suggested that if our Government is
really serious in its desire for economy
here is its chance.
A recent conversation in the House of
Commons between Mr. REDMOND and Mr.
TIMOTHY HEALY accentuates the fact that
Irishmen possess all the attributes neces-
sary to the carrying on of Party govern-
ment.
Considerable indignation lias been
expressed in some quarters at the viru-
lence of the attacks on Sir HENRY
CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, who is described
as being in reality a courteous, kindly
gentleman. We think it lias never been
denied that Sir HENRY'S private life is
blameless. The complaint is that he
will meddle in politics.
Mr. STANLEY SPENCER recently made
two airship ascents from Hanley Flower
Show, and his Majesty the KING paid a
flying visit to Sandringham.
There is, after all, every prospect of
London having a worthy memorial to
SHAKSPEARE. Mr. RICHARD BADGER has
offered to provide the money, the London
County Council will supply the site, and
Mr. HALL CAINE is willing to sit for the
statue.
WANTED-A KINDRED SOUL.
London Poet (asked doicn to join a country-house patty for the day ami finding he is not attracting sufficient notice, flings himself dmrn
on the lawn). " OH, LOVELY GREEN GRASS, I LOVE YOU. Do YOU LOVE ME, LOVELY GHEES GRASS ? "
Those who said the London County
Council would refuse to help in the
scheme have turned out to be wrong.
For ourselves we always felt that, as
soon as it was explained to the Members
who SHAKSPEARE was, they would be
willing to assist.
The ex-Princess' who some years ago
eloped with a gipsy is at present in
London having her complexion restored,
but it, is feared that nothing can be
done for her reputation.
Meanwhile, the ex-Princess has in-
formed the Expntt that her present
husband is quite the nicest she has
ever had.
A small boy who was charged at the
l!i nit ford Police Court with stealing
apples from an orchard on his way
home from Sunday-school was sentenced
to write out " Thou shall not steal
apples" fifty times. The little boy
smile I at the short sentence, for his
favourite fruits, we hear, are straw-
berries and pears.
The arrears of work at the Law Courts
are assuming such proportions that, to
enable the mass of cases to be got
through, it may become necessary for
the LORD CHANCELLOR to limit the Judges
to one joke per suit.
Mr. PRITCHAKD, of Boston, America, in
a speech on the ignorance of children,
mentioned that a large number of pupils
attending a school in his native town
declared themselves unable to say what
butter was made of. Possibly, however,
the parents of these were in the mar-
garine business, and the little ones were
loyally keeping trade secrets.
A correspondent sends us an interest-
ing natural history note. On opening
his wardrobe the other day, he found a
moth in his dress-coat. The effect, he
declares, was ludicrous, as the coat was,
of course, much too big for the moth.
MY LADY'S CAKE.
No light of glory lingers
Around the name I bear ;
Sweet Fame's fantastic fingers
Wreathe me no laurels fair ;
Love, no devoted hand shall trace
In monumental stone
The fact that it was mine to face
Your first-baked all alone.
Let worlds with wide-eyed wonder
The deeds of heroes greet,
My modest head shall under
Its bushel still retreat.
Yet oft I thrill with secret pride,
Wh irh time can ne'er dethrone,
Recalling how 1 once defied
Your first-baked all alone.
The Point of View.
(At the Eton and Harrow Match.)
Etonian (applauding the record score).
Good old BOI.KS !
Harrovian (bitterly). BOLES, indeed ?
I call it skittles !
44
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 20, 1904.
THE CORRESPONDENCE OF MR. JAMES SMITH AND
M. JULES DUBOIS,
AND ITS ALARMING EFFECT UPON THE "ENTENTE CORDIAI.E."
I. — Mr. James Smith to M. Jules Dulois.
MON CUER MONSIEUR, — J'ai entendu de votre nom d'un
commun ami, M. ALPHONSE JONES, qui a beaucoup m'encou-
rarro en apprennant la Francaise. II m'assnre que vous
serez tres bsaucoup aimable pour moi en m'ecrivant une
correspondance qui perfcctionnera m-.i Francaise. Ceci est
coinnie la chose commenca. J'avais aocompagne notre ami
pour uue semaine a la France pour voir la belle Paris— maia
je ne pouvais pas comprendre quelquechose de quo! les
pouples que je rencontrai me disaient. Egalement malheu-
reusement, je ne pouvais pas faire.les personnages me
comprendre ! Je semblais un ane, et je n'aime pas a sembler
cette animal-la. Non pas plus encore, je ne pouvais lire la
Francaise quand je la vis. Par exemple, a 1'hotel nous
avions plusieurs courses pour le diner que je ne pouvais pas
noinmer sur la carte de menu. Tout le meme, j 'ai tres tres
beaucoup aime la jolie ville magnitique, avec sou louver, son
morgue, son notre dame et sa bois de boulogne !
Quand je retournai a Angleterre, j'ai decide a apprendre
toute suite la Francaise, et j'ai achete "French in Twenty
Lessons," dans qui je 1'ai appris " pretty well," comme les
Anglais disent. II y a peut-etre quelques fautes dans ma
lettre j'osedire, mais non des fautes serieuses je crois, et
j'aimerais beaucoup si vous serez aussi bon, et aussi aimable
de me corriger dans votre reponse. Je serai tres plu de vous
aider dans I'e'tude de 1'Anglaise aussi. Crois moi, mons.
Dubois, Tres vraiment le votre, JAMES SMITH.
II. — M. Jules Dubois to Mr. James Smith.
DEAR MISTER, — I had received a letter from the part of
Mister JONES, which made me believe which yours was to
come. My dear mister, which is it that I am to say ? It is
me who shall be enchanted to assist you to a knowledge
of our noble french mother-speech, but, my dearest mister,
you ought to avow that the task is a little bit tough —
indeed, I may say of the most difficults. Do not wish me
a grudge if I say that there are many faultinesses in your so
aimable letter, some of them of a largeness which may be
called huge. I do not at all desire to dammage your
feelings, but " la Francaise " means " the French lady," and
"courses" means "races." "Peuples" means "peoples."
One says for "French," " fran$ais," and for the English
word "coarses," "services." One does not never say " tres
waiment le votre." I am very occupied at present, but will
send soon to you a full revision of your letter, and a little
book for to write the French endings. Charmed that
you love Paris. What is it that you are thinking of the
Lord JOE CHAMBERLAIN'S plan for taxing of the corns and of
the foods in general ? A little word thereupon will offer me
grand pleasure.
I have much honnour, my dear mister, in saluting you with
best love, JULES DUBOIS.
HI. — Mr. James Smith to M. Jules Diibois.
MON CHER MONSIEUR, — Merci pour votre lettre, mais je ne
crois pas que mes fautes sont tout a fait aussi terribles que
vous faites dehors ! En tout cas, le votre est aussi pleine
de fautes qu'un ceuf est pleine de viande, ainsi c'est six a
1'un et une demie douzaine a 1'autre, comme les Anglais tres
souvent disent. Vous ne disez non point jamais en Anglais
"dear mister"; vous disez, "Dear Sir." Vous ne disez
pas " of the most difficults." Vous ne disez pas " wish me
a grudge." Vous "owe a grudge" en Anglais. Vous ne
disez pas "the Lord JOE CHAMBERLAIN." Ce gentilhomme
n'est pas un "lord." Vous ne disez point jamais, jamais,
en ecrivaat a un gentilhomme ordinaire, " with best love."
Cela est comme vous ecrivez a la madame votre femme !
Mille remerciments, monsieur Dubois, et agreez, s'il vous
plait, 1'assurance de ma consideration la plus distinguee.
JAMES SMITH.
IV. — M. Jules Dubois to Mr. James Smith.
MONSIEUR, — J'ai bien re$u la lettre ou vous faites la
critique de mon anglais. J'y trouve un mouvement de
inauvaise humeur de votre part, sans doute a cause des
fautes que je vous ai signalees. II me semble, monsieur, que si
un homme ne sait pas supporter convenablement la correc-
tion, il devrait renoncer a 1'etude d'une langue dont il ne
saurait jamais comprendre les beautes ni saisir les nuances.
De sorte qus ce ne sera pas la peine de continuer cette
correspondance.
J'ai 1'honneur, monsieur, de vous saluer,
JULES DUBOIS.
V. — Mr. James Smith to M. Jules Diibois.
DEAR SIR, — I entirely agree with you that a man cannot
learn a language (such as English) when he palpably
objects to having his blunders pointed out to him in a
friendly way. Therefore, we will consider this correspond-
ence as closed. Believe me, Yours truly,
JAMES SMITH.
MY LITTLE BROWN DOG.
MY little brown dog, when he crosses a stream,
Climbs out where the bevy of ladies is thick ;
When he shakes himself well you should hear how they scream :
It 's a right little bright little showery trick.
For the terror he spreads you might think him a frog,
Or a mouse, but he 's only my little brown dog.
My little brown dog, when he's taking the air,
Finds it sweetest and best where the flowers are in bloom ;
He ranges at ease^ through each varied parterre,
And the gardener's face is a study in gloom ;
And his mistress declares she must certainly flog
A respect for her flowers into my little dog.
My little brown dog is most carefully planned
For lying full length where he 's most in the way,
And the butler who comes, a decanter in hand,
Trips up with a crash — he has done it each day.
It 's a word from the butler, who lies like a log,
And a yelp, just a yelp, from my little brown dog.
In the dead hour of midnight we wake at a sound,
And we leave our warm sheets and we open the door :
Is it guns that are booming ? No, no, it 's a hound,
A hound of small size and a terrible snore.
Oh how deeply he sleeps, while we 're both all agog
(My wife and myself), does my little brown dog.
But there — if it 's faithful affection you seek,
If you want a firm friend whom no fault can surprise,
Take the little brown dog with the tail that can speak,
And the heart that shines out through the eloquent eyes.
And I, as on life's rugged pathway I jog,
I 'm as rich as a king with my little brown dog.
R. C. L.
ACCORDING to the Liverpool Echo, " the Japanese Consul-
General in London is authorised to state that the rumours
current of an approaching loan of his Government are with-
out foundation." We notice that he does not say what
country was suspected of wanting to borrow the Japanese
Government ; but the PRIME MINISTER of England has, for
his part, denied all knowledge of the origin of this rumour.
JULY 20, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHAIN VAIM
•15
PICKWICK UP-TO-DATE.
[The following is an attempt at the style in
which CIUKI.KS I'ICKKNS doubtless would have
written one of his chapters had he been able to
utilise the classic idioms of the modern cricket-
reporter.]
ALL-MUGGLETON DISHES DlNGLEY DELL !
PODDEK PKOPEI.8 THE PlLULE !
PlCKWICK PATRONISES THE PAVILION !
JINGLE'S GENTLE JAPES !
(S/xvi<(/ mid 7v.cc/K.s-in1 Report.)
A mighty smart crowd it was which
sweltered iu tho reserve scats to witness
tliis annual fixture. PICKWICK was there,
S\i>ix;ii.\ss was there, WINKLE was right
on the spot, and knocked them every
time by his caustic comments. And the
great JINGLE, button-holed by our repre-
sentative, took the cocoanut with the
following opinion :
" CAPITAL GAME — SMART SPORT — FINE
KXERCISE — VERY ! ''
At eleven o'clock the fateful coin was
jerked towards the azure, and the fickle
jade gave All-Muggleton the right of
first knock. Mr. PICKWICK was heard to
question the Muggletonian skipper upon
his policy.
" Bound to get 'em," explained Mr.
DUMKINS. " Wicket like bloomiu' con-
crete. We '11 let daylight into the
bowling, give you my word we will."
Mr. PICKWICK was evidently about to
enquire into the nature of this optical
phenomenon when the tinkle of the
Pavilion bell bade Skipper DUMKINS
depart to
DON HIS SHIN-SAVERS,
since he and PODDER were to open the
Muggletonian credit-account. And this
they did to some tune. The Dingley-
Dellers entrusted the rolling-up of the
sphere to LUFFEY and STRUGGLES, but
their deliveries were far from being of a
rot-making order, and the batsrnen
promptly
TOOK TEA WITH THEM.
In the second over PODDER wafted one
out of the ground for six, while DUMKINS
quickly materialised with a touch behind
cover for a quartett and a sylph-like
push to the on-boundary. At the same
time it must be conceded that neither
willow-wielilcr would have enjoyed a
protracted sojourn had the fielding of
Dingley Dell been a trifle less moth-
eaten. At an early stage of the pro-
ceedings I 'mini-:!! offered LiiTr.Y
A DOLLY C.-&-B.,
which, however, was declined without
thanks. For an hour or more there was
no slump in the run-getting, J'OI>IM:I:
being particularly noticeable with his
dreamy hooks, while his Co. twice patted
the pilule into the ladies' enclosure.
SWEET CHILD!
Head Schoolmistress. " Bur TOD OCGIIT TO BE IN Miss SMITH'S CLASS, EVA.
BEEN SENT OUT?"
Eva. "PLEASE, MA'AM, TO GIVE Miss SMITH A REST!"
WHY HAVE YOU
Tho second century had long since
whiffled into the forgotten past when at
length the Dingley Deller stick-custodian
found PODDER not at home.
"BRAVO — CAPITAL START — TOUCHED 'EM
PRETTY ! "
— was JINGLE'S timely comment as the
ousted wood-handler trickled through
the Pavilion gate. Nor was Mr. PICK-
WICK himself slow to express his approval.
"Permit me to congratulate you, Sir,"
he remarked. "So remarkable a dis-
play of skill in a manly and health
giving exercise justifies, I believe, an
oiler of at least half-a-dozen glasses of
brandy-and-watcr, to be consumed by
you at my expense."
M r. PODDER was understood to refuse
lliis offer. His innings, as .he explained,
had certainly given his average a useful
heave, but anyone could knock the
stuffing out of the ball when the bowlers
were just lolloping up baby-soothers.
" It 's a very different show," he explained,
" when you have to conciliate humming-
birds on a wicket like stick-jaw " ; a
phrase which Mr. PICKWICK carefully
wrote down in his note-book, while
replying, with a rather puzzled expres-
sion, that the game under these condi-
tions must be very different indeed.
•" And you do not anticipate that your
opponents will defeat you on this occa-
sion ?" hr- added. "Well," said the
Muggletonian representative, " they mifjJii
bring off a real hair-raiser, but I don't
believe myself that they have
THE SLIGHTEST EARTHLY."
And the result proved Mr. FODDER'S
estimate to be correct.
4C
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 20, 1904.
OUR REVIEW.
THE COLONEL is WONDERING WHAT MAIKEUVRE HE OUGHT TO EXECUTE IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
AT THE FLINDERIES.
AFTER a 'retirement of two thousand
six hundred years His Majesty NEFER-
KARA PEF - DUDU- BAST -MES- BAST, of the
Twenty-third Dynasty, 700 B.C., is once
more making a bid for publicity, and
the claims of a monarch with such a
haunting cognomen ought not to be
lightly disregarded. His name alone is
worth memorising. As an assistance to
this mnemonic feat, he has entrusted a
very beautiful gold statuette of HERSHEFI,
the well-known and ram-headed god of
Ehnasya (alias Herakleopolis, 60 miles
south of Cairo), to Professor FLINTIF.RR
PETRIE for exhibition free of charge
amongst other Egyptian antiquities at
University College, London. We are very
much obliged to PEF-DUDU-BAST-MES-BAST
and his excavators for reminding us of
his existence,'which we must confess we
were in danger of forgetting. He comes
from a land where a millennium or two is
a small matter, but we hope that, though
late in the day, the editors of Who '» Who
will see to it that his name is properly
inserted in their obituary columns.
The researches of Drs. GRENFELL and
HUNT have been similarly rewarded by
the scribes of many valuable but tattered
Greek papyri, dating from the second and
third centuries A.D. Thus, we cannot
forbear a testimony to the paternal
shrewdness of PANECHOTES, the talented
ex-cosmetes of Oxyrhynchus. We were
quite pleased to see his agreement with
a professor of shorthand for the ap-
prenticeship of his son through a two
years' course at a fee of 120 drachma?
to be paid in three instalments — the
time to be extended for as many days
as those whereon the boy was idle. We
fear that PAKECHOTES Junior's nose was
kept close to the potsherd (or other
writing-tablet) during the hot season,
if the professor was short of money.
Besides this document, there are menus,
marriage-contracts and many other things
that leap to the discerning eye.
Various modern tastes have been
catered for by the artists and artificers
of Thebes, and Gurob in the Fayum.
Their London agents, Prof. NAVILLE and
Messrs. HALL and LOAT, are enabled to
show, for instance, a model bakery
from an eleventh dynasty tomb, with
women of the Noah's Ark type grinding
the corn and men kneading the bread
or stoking the ovens ; some glass kohl
tubes and other toilet requisites of the
time of AMENHOTEP III. ; two reed mats
enclosing children's bodies, for those
who like such domestic objects ; etc., etc.
Professor PETRIE has also a nice little
selection from over 1000 lamps on
view, showing the sad degeneration of
their adornments .as the types were
handed down through the ages. It is
for the moralist to note how the oil-
vessel which once resembled a realistic
frog was eventually copied into a lump
with a few meaningless scratches on its
back.
Altogether, Mr. Punch's representative
spent a highly Egyptological morning
at what might (it is hoped without
undue disrespect) be called the " Flin-
deries," and left more confused than ever
with the respective dynasties and their
kings and dates. One name only he
will cling to (as a most useful expletive),
and that is, " NEFERKARA PEF-DUDC-BAST-
MES-BAST."
ITXCII, OR THK LOXHON' CIIAIM VAIM. .In.v 20, 1!)01.
TILL FUKTHEE NOTICE.
JULY 20, 190-1.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAIM YAIII.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE PI.UIY ni- T<>i:y. M I'.
II'iiixi' of I'limnm/i*. Minnlni/, •/»/!/ 11.
— On meeting of Mouse to-day all eyes
tunii'il towards corner scat in Irish cani]i
below Gangway. Tlicr I'Yiday stood
ccrlain landlords demanded twenty-four
and ;i-]ialf years' purchase for llieir laud.
"And these are the j pie," TlM
added, "\vhoare interrupting me now."
In an instant the simmering pan of
Irish wrath boiled over. "Name, name! "
they eried.
A DIIKAIHI i.
The Crow (T-m H-ly) nips in and plays sad havoc with the Owl (J-hn R-dm-nd).
TIM HEALY, object of contumely to his
countrymen. Place now empty. Grue-
some rumour about that, after the
adjournment on Friday, messengers
gathered up from neighbourhood of
Gangway six baskets full of something
and removed It to the crypt. May be
nothing in this. All the same nothing
seen of TIM since his comrades in the
representation of Ireland fell upon him
on Friday afternoon.
It was a simple business as seen
by ordinary lights. Second Reading of
Irish Land Bill to the fore. Last year,
it will be remembered, a generous-
hearted Government having provided
for landlords, parsons and denominational
education, attempted to conciliate Irish
vote by pledging national credit to
minimum amount of a million sterling
in order to facilitate transfer of land
between Irish landlord and tenant. Bill
now before House proposed to amend
the Act in certain particulars. REDMOND
niiii- met motion by amendment pro-
testing against unjust inflation of prices.
Eighteen years' purchase, he insisted, was
ample scale of price.
Towards close of debate TIM HEALY
nipped in. His presence unexpected.
Holding there is nothing useful to be
done at Westminster he stops at home
and earns an honest living. As usual
when it was known that TIM was on his
legs House filled up. Went on quietly
enough till he expressed the hope that
Irish tenants would note the fact that
"Here is the honourable gentleman
sitting behind me," said TIM, turning
round and indicating REDMOND aine with
friendly nod.
Then broke forth uproar that lasted
continuously for twenty minutes ; TIM
with every sign of unconcern faced it.
Mr. FLAVIN and Mr. DEVLIN cried aloud
and cut themselves with knives and
lancets — of course, in Parliamentary
sense. " Judge HEALY ! " roared SWIFT
McNEiLL, bounding about on the bench
as if it too were red-hot. " Traitor ! "
"Coward!" "You want a job," were
cries that rose above the angry roar.
A great opportunity for Mr. LUNDON.
Master of himself in six languages, rules
of House have for nearly four years com-
pelled him when joining in debate to
speak English, almost the only lan-
guage he doesn't know. Now, with the
uproar screening him from detection, he
let fly at TIM in good old Irish of the
kind spoken in the time when BRIAN
Bonu sat on his throne, and MALACHI
wore the collar of gold he won from the
proud invader. Occasionally, when
the roar sunk for a moment, the voice of
the Member for East Limerick could bo
heard rasping forth remarks that made
the blood tingle even in the body of
English Members who hadn't the
remotest idea what compliment was
being conveyed.
The worst of it was that amid the
uproar REDMOND aine found no oppor-
tunity of making the simple statement
that \\ould have put matters right. Im-
possible to conceive, short of criminal
act, a graver charge brought against
leader of Nationalist party than this, that
whilst at Westminster he was earning
cheap applause by denouncing Irish land-
lords for exacting more than eighteen
years' purchase on the sale of their land,
lie had been bargaining with his own
tenants for twenty four and a-half years'
purchase. Me will doubtless sei/.e the
earliest chance of putting' the matter
riijit when House gets into Committee
on the Hill.
liiinliii'Kn done. — Licensing Bill getting
along with help of closure. On impor-
tant amendment to limit operation to
fourteen years, Ministerial majority ran
down to 41.
Wednesday. — Another Jameson Raid.
This time it's the Major, not the Doctor.
Returned for West Clare as recruit to
Irish Nationalist Party, JA.MKSOX has long
shown himself restive. Compromised
matters by sitting in Irish camp and
voting with Ministerialists. That sort
of thing increases in awkwardness, as
WINSTON and Major SEKLY, trying it the
BRODRICK'S Doucm.
Mr. Arn-ld F-rst-r, in introducing his Army
Reform Scheme, said, " Hon. members have fre-
quently attacked the Army Corps system of my
rt. hon. friend the Secretary of State for India,
. . . which really had very slight importance
indeed. . . . It does not matter two straws what
these divisions are called — Sunday-school
districts or Army Corps districts. . . . An
Army Corps is an accepted expression which
connotes a certain proportion of troops. .My
rt. hon. friend hoped that that proportion of
troops might bs attributed to each of these
divisions, but up to the present time it has not
been attributed to all of them."
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAKI.
[Jn-T 20, 1904.
other way about, discovered. After a
while these Dissentient Unionists, iot-
Wing the direction of their accus-
lianrd TOte-made tracks across floor of
Hnase and seated themselves among
" m. JXKUS partly redresses
by publicly joining
No midnight maauame his; BO
back stairs into new quar-
ahrays inclined to peripa-
*ring Army in the Isth
Royal Irish he changed into 20th
ItaWiin. anaDy hading in Owen's
Ova Worcestershire Hassais, where
the aid of a Whip he secured
bis majority. Spirit of these
Bliia.riii.ilii still Eves in his
which last year, according to return hud
on Ta We. reached satisfactory figure of
ei 7*. ft*. There is "something
picturesque about that If. fti. Any
but FiSLir would have slapped on
two and three and so made op the odd
half- sovereign- Seven and ninepence
is the precise sum earned, and con-
-Jeace inherited bom covenanting for-
bears forbade indulgence in what in the
City is, Sux ttDs me, called symmetry.
That is another story. It was the
- . . ; A "r : --. ; •
went on to promise a new Aliens Bil
( for next year. One Han. One Vote, is
;a principle that would meet with his
uncompromising opposition. But One
Session, One Aliens BUI quite another
B*tinf*t 3o*r.— Welsh Ccercion Bin
- --, -:
he wiB pxfcna it ia fmH fight of day.
So armd ia good taw thk aftenooa ;
sat far a •naatat ia ohi quarters below
aad wishing he wore hk
, frcam compatiKts who
hive the Bw3y whisfcrr. baft haaeHt the
c* the family s head.
~ JOB J JJKMS." Mr. FLMTS.
AbVnsBiDin
NATURAL fflSTORT NOTES.
THE interesting account given by a
correspondent to the Time* of the llth
inst- of the appearance of a white whale
in Loch Striven has provoked a perfect
deluge of similar contributions to the
offices of this paper. Being unable to
publish them all 31 r. Pin** has ma
the following judicious selection of the
— ~" -""-•. i-_" : . .. rr • • - —
SB,— It wiO doubtless interest a large
section of your readers to learn that,
while bathing at Brora, in Sutberland-
shire, last Wednesday, I observed at a
dJiihmn? of about a hundred rards from
_ i v *• . "
Iwre a few pink porpoise, described
-:-— f ::.'- r •,'
under the head ofMn
ft»p*fa rnaeea minAHi*. The
1 described several somersaults in
the water while I was watching it. and
from time to time emitted a plaintive
wail similar to that of the plover. We
- ; ---:•- --: :• ::• .- - ~ •„- ,..- f
For A* Incfit <f W-m^m Ca-itM.
that I was going to
arose with respect to dropping
, said PkiMZ
"Oat the avenge rate of
two fines a day."
said a •ember of the Com-
•ttee, "three lines in six days."
-Fjardy,- said Ptaxx Arract tura-
a smile aad bowing in die
of the irtinaiiliua -Three
-Half a fine
Grand _____^
Ftaoe AHKZ didn't Eke to
dirt so positive a person. Baft reaflv
•try odd. The thing quite
Agreed that pragma had been
at the rate of three fines in six
days. Very weJL Sues into thr
- -- . „- ..
Bran, but doing a residence of tweaty-
fi ve years I have never seen the pink
variety before. I think it only right to
add that I never drink anything stranger
Cliinatea.
of yon- sabscribi
history wffl be glad to know that withi
the last few days the village of BaHy-
bunnion. in North Kerry, has been con-
the amrition of a purple polar bear
Mne wreckage
— ._ an the poultry
yards m the vicinity. On referring to
the new edhir. of the Encybpcnli*
the heading of
..- I can fiwi ao trace of
OK species, twt perhaps the editor
die AWiMial Rtrie
Eght on die sdbject.
.
Two, of
you
try threes into
Two fines a dav
if his hon. friend behind
that it was only half a line a
day *waa too hot to argw the matter,
»d, droppin the oint PKDICE
- an experience
which I cannot baft think wffl interest a
large aamber of your readers. Whfle
traversing Glen CT»g^*Tn in stout boots
aad a well-tried waterproof, I was sud-
v*??*1™ ^ * &°*P rf torn-
bfcndic iehates armed widi gabbros and
" " - -••----: -_ .-. -,.; :.-
Jcu 30, 19CM.J
PUNCH, OR THE LM.MM.N . HARIVAkl.
51
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 20, 1904.
tiou. With great difficulty 1 escaped
from my assailants and Ux>k refuse in
the extinct crater of an aKcient volcano
of the Tertiary period, from which 1
now forward this hurried despatch.
IVing temporarily separated from my
K'ni-i/i'/c/xrJici. without which 1 never
travel, 1 am unable to describe the inci-
dents of my eiuvnnter with greater
particularity, but 1 feel that 1 am only
doing my duty to the community by
issuing this warning to impending'
visitors not to travel without an armed
escort in this dangerous region.
I am &G, Ak HQO TM.ISKER.
Via Coniisk.
^ Whilst dry-dy fishing in
Scrabster harbour last week. I had the
good fortune to hook a remarkably tine
black lobster, louring thirty-live years'
experience 1 have never seen a lobster
that was not n\l, but my boatman
assures me that the black variety is not
uncommon in these northern waters.
I am, Ac.. WILFRID J AGO ESS.
, Witk.
PROVERBIAL FABLES.
SECOND TBOCGHTS IKE THE BEST.
THESE was once an Energetic and
Cultivated Youth who, falling in love
with a Beautiful and Accomplished
young lady, called at her residence one
morning, and inquired Very Politely
what he should do to make himself
Worthy-of Her. His character, he said,
had been described bv Experts as Fair-
to-medium, allowing the usual discount.
He was of a Cheerful and Musical
Disposition, collected Dried Seaweed
and Postage Stamps, disliked Caper
Sauce, and possessed an Annual Income
of eight hundred pounds.
N.-.y." said the Damsel, having
listened attentively to the recital of
these virtues, " this is All Very Well
iu- as it goes, but what 1 most
•ire is Personal Beauty."
So the Young Man thanked her
kindly, and went away and bought
Cosmetics and Things, and read care-
fully through a book called Note to Be
BtmUiftd: by One «c*o fcoa DOM It.
And after a month's treatment he
returned to the maiden and said : —
" Be good enough to cast your Blue and
Intelligent Eye over me. I have adopted
the suggestion you threw out in our
conversation of 'the 18th ult., and I
flatter myself that I now present a Neat
and Gentlemanly Appearance."
in a glowing passage he invited her to
Name the Happy Day.
Bay," said the Damsel; "but on
second thoughts I have Changed My
Mind. What I admire even more than
Personal IVanty is rii\s;ca:. StNBgth."
And the Young Man thanked her
Very Kindly, and went off to make
himself strong.
He bought K.xpvnsive Developers, and
took Cold Baths, and went to bed early,
and gi>t up every morning at six
o'clock, and refused potatoes, and took
Boxing IA'SSOHS, and attended a gym-
nasium ; and at the end of a month he
returned to the maiden and said : —
" IV so obliging as to cast your
Limpid and Observant Optic over me.
I have followed your instructions, and
I (latter myself that in Many Ways I
now recall the Farnese Hercules."
And in a voice hoarse with emotion
he spoke in High Terms of St. George's,
Hanover Square.
" Nay." said the maiden, "it is true
that your biceps is Considerably Eu-
FINANCIAL NOTE.
"RCSSISB CT A LOSG BILL."
larged. and von could doubtless, if so
disposed, Fell an Ox with a Single
Blow, but Mere Strength has ceased to
appeal to me. What I really dote upon
is Ber-ra:
So the Young Man went off —without
thanking her this time, for he was
beginning to get a little tired of the
contract— and set to work to become a
Ripe Scholar. He read SHELLET and
BBOWSHG and RrssiNand EXEBSQH, and
after a year of Acute Depression and
Incessant Headache, he returned to the
maiden, and said : " I should esteem it
a Personal Favour if vou would allow
your Soft and Sagacious Orb to rest
upon me for a space. I have followed
your instructions, and I flatter myself
that in the way of Culture I am "now
^inall Potatoes." And quoting
lightly an Appropriate Passage from
TV Ring and tfce Boot, he embarked
upon an eloquent and impassioned
eulogy of the Registry Office, to which
he proposed to lead her at as early a
date as would be convenient.
"Stay," said the maiden, aa he
offered Lis arm, " I grant that you are,
as per advertisement, more or less a.
combination of Apollo, Hercules, and
JOHN KEATS, but I have again Changed
My Mind. The man who aspires to
my Heart and Hand must possess a
certain indefinable je-ne-aais-quoi. Ac-
quire this Desirable Quality, and then
we '11 See About It. In the meantime
farewell."
And the Young Man went off as
before. But tliis time be neither thanked
her nor followed her instructions, but,
having regarded her with Cold Dis-
pleasure, proceeded at his best speed
to the residence of a certain Miss JANE
SMITH, to whom he proposed Then and
There, and Shortly Afterwards they
were married by the Rev. JOHN SMITH,
father of the bride, assisted by the
Rev. THOMAS BROWN, and the Presents
were both Numerous and Costly.
And the Young Lady who Changed
her Mind so often is still a Spinster of
this Parish, and likely to Remain So.
Moral. — Second Thoughts are Best,
but Third and Fourth Thoughts are
simply a Drug in the Market.
A Tie.
CEICIET — " Laditf T. Gentlemen."
THE Ladies came out as they had
gone in, all " Ducks."
And what did the Gentlemen make ?
—Love.
A Happy Release.
SIB, — In this temperature, with ninety-
seven in the shade and a hundred-and-
anything-you-don't-Kke out of it, when
the motto is "Dum Persplro Spero —
mtdiora," I shed no tear (the wells are
dried up) on seeing at the head of a
Daily Chrnnicle column in large letters
" DEAD HEAT ! " I read no more that
day. Rtquiettat. Dead Heat has joined
to Shades. Yours, A HOT TV
FBOM the Agony Column >a very
proper place of the .Uamim; Poet :
WIRE -HEADED TERRIER LOST. Black
_-. : - . - L ,-..: . : :.:-..-
reward will be offend,
This seems hardly fair on the rest of
the animal Will not the owner recon-
sider his reward, and go the whole dog ?
THINGS ONE WOTLD BATHER HATE EX-
muHMi MOKE GALLANTLY. — "A tramcar
was overturned at Birmingham last
evening. . . . Fortunatery the only
passenger was a woman." — Daily
Gntpkie, July 15.
JULY '20, 1904.]
rrXCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
53
THE RECORD OF A SHORT HOLIDAY.
LA-T week I received a hearty invitation from my friend
JEAN JACQUES ROBISSOX (note tlie accent on the "bang,"
second syllable) CI;I~-F. French pronunciation) to revisit
Tx? Touquet, in order to see what vast improvements had
been made since the night of the great storm in Septem-
ber. "Now," said J. J. R., "is the time for enjoying sea
kit king, river fishing, golfing, or tennising, according to the
taste and fancy of the individual.'1
Then was added a most earnestly pressing invitation to the
effect that 1 would bring with me " madame votre tres chere ct
•i im<Mefemmc,"\\ho, in the regrettable absence of Madame
La Chatelaine de Condette. would be received with open arms
l'\- .T. .1. R.'s daughter, Mile. FEUCITE. Wired acceptance,
" Yes." Abrupt but economical.
By return, explanatory letter, giving hours of departure
and arrival. Folkestone, Boulogne, Etaples ; carriage for
us to Le Touquet. Telegraphic reply, economical, " Bon."
Wife and self limit ourselves to four bags, " portable."
By " Portable " we, my wife and I, mean things easily carried
hy a professional muscular porter. We entertain no sort of
idea of carrying them ourselves : absurd to suppose such a
thing.
At Boulogne, after a perfectly delightful crossing from
Folkestone, we entrust our portables to a porter whose busi-
ness it is and whose number we take ; we proceed to the
Douane, where we find a Commissionaire with " Le Touquet "
engraved on his cap more legibly and prominently than Queen
MART could ever have expected Calais to be engraved on her
heart. -Iris au x. royagettrs : Employ this man : spry, ready,
willing, most serviceable. To him we confide our porter
and portables. " Shall we take a voiture ? " my wife
inquires. ' 'Tis only a walk of five minutes,1' I point out,
and, like .!/»•«. Johnnie Gilpin, being, equally with myself,
" of a frugal mind," she kindly yields, and baggage, truck,
commissionaire and porteur having all disappeared (a matter
of trifling importance, as the two men have not been remu-
aerated), we step out gaily and make our way from the Gare
Maritime to the Gare Centrale.
Avis aux royageurs (as to this particular trajet) : — DON'T !
Unless your nerves are particularly strong, unless you have
been in battle, or happen to be an accomplished bull-fighter.
don't attempt the walk from the Gare Maritime, Boulogne,
to the Gare Centrale. On one side they are unloading huge
trading vessels, and depositing, everywhere and anywhere,
wood, coals, gigantic bales; chains are rattling, packing
cases, carried by cranes, are flying about wildly overhead ;
on the other side of the quai are trains drawn up, ready
to be moved -without a moment's notice ; then in the middle
there is a conglomeration of lines, intersecting, which catch
the heels of your boots and play havoc with your ankles ; but
wnr.se than all, there are locomotives in motion coming at
you, going nowhere in particular, passing you, dodging you
from right to left, their movements being accompanied by
fantasias on various horns blown by grimy trumpeters, not
in advance, but promenading determinedly by the side of
the deadly engines, while in attempting to dodge the ad-
vancing Juggernaut-machines you are startled out of what
may remain of your five senses by a cracking of whips and
!'.v angry shouts from harsh, red-republican-looking cochers
ot " Hi1 /a-bas! He la-bag!" as they take you in flank, until
uc two, husband and wife, feel inclined to throw ourselves
on the black, powdered, hard-hearted cobble-stones, crying,
in the utter desperation of our agony, " We give it up ! Pass
over us ! Waterloo is avenged ! "
Knjin! Peace at last. We are inside the Gare Centrale.
A i Bearing with no impedimenta, we are unmolested by porters.
\Ve take our tickets for Etaples. It is now 6.45. Our train
is timed to start at 7.15.
My wife, who has come out triumphant, but exhausted,
from her fierce fight with the locomotives, agrees with me
in wishing there were a train immediately. S-an •«•!>• had
the wish been expressed than up comes, in a hurry, our spry
commissionaire.
" Madame et Monsieur," says he, cap in hand, rather out
of breath and desperately in earnest, "the Company has
started a new train within the last week ! " Marvellous! "It
leaves for Etaples in five minutes ! ! Will you take it ? "
U'iWwe? Why certainly. And arrive by 7.45 ! Bravo!
Spry commissionaire orders porter and baggage to the
front. We bring up the rear, charge the gate-way at the
double, present tickets, hurry up, wife and self taking
i unwonted exercise (thermometer 90^ in the shade) ; spry
| commissionaire finds compartment, and places bags therein ;
then my wife climbs up steep narrow iron steps, like
Maraaret Catchpole escaping from prison, grasping anything
in the way of handles, tassels or cords that may assist her
in such alpine gymnastics, finally disappearing quite un-
expectedly into further corner of compartment, whence she
emerges smiling, and inviting me to enter as if she had been
there for months and liad taken the place on lease.
Polite commissionaire, still cap in hand, salutes profoundly,
wishes us Bon voyage, and will meet us on our return
Monday. Au revoir.
Off ! to the moment ! " But," says my wife, " didn't Mr.
JACQUES ROBINSON say he would send a carriage to meet us
at Etaples by the train that starts from here at 7.15? "
" He did "so," I reply, comfortably. " But that will be all
right. His carriage is sure to arrive early at Etaples and
be waiting for us."
Hope told a flattering tale. My wife, for the first time,
exhibits some signs of uncertainty.
" If the carriage isn't there," I add, to show how resource-
ful I can be in emergency, " we can take the tram ; and if
the carriage is on its way we can stop the tram, and get into
the carriage."
So we are satisfied ; at least, I am ; fairly so. All nature
is gay and bright ; and the sea breeze comes across the
dunes, fanning us gently.
Etaples. Alpine descent from our steep compartment.
WTife first. Safe ! Hoorah ! No porters anywhere ! Every
man his own porter ! Yes, every man, but how about the
ladies? There are two porters ; I see them, doing nothing
with something in a box. I shout, I signal ; they are clearly
deaf, and nearsighted. Again I climb into the compartment.
Out I hand the four bags (they seem to have become rather
less portable during the journey) one after the other, to
iny wife, who, in this drama, takes the part of second
porter. How angry this sort of carelessness, this insouciance,
does make me ! Where 's the French chivalry ? —the man
who could let a lady carry her own bag is unworthy of the
name of a preux chevalier! All out! — for four. Trumpet
sounds! En avant! Farewell train. Ah! let voila! let
porteur s !
" I had best inquire about the carriage," I observe sagely
to my wife, who is entirely of my opinion.
The porter knows nothing about any carriage from Le
Touquet. " There is the tram," he says.
I will ask an official wearing distinguished cap.
Man with distinguished cap has not seen any voiture de
maitrc from Le Touquet.
I mention the name of M. JEAN JACQUES ROBINSON. It
has a wonderful effect. Distinguished Cap makes further
inquiry : man is sent along the road to act the part of Sister
Anne, charged to announce " if he sees anything coming."
No : no sign.
"Mais, monsieur," adds the Remplacant du Chef de
Gare triumphantly, "toiZA le tram qtti part tur I' instant
meme."
54
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 20, 1904.
" Shall we ? " I ask my wife.
"It will be the safer way," she replies, well and wisely.
We take our seats in the tram. Our four bags occupy,
conspicuously, half the bench opposite. They have a heavy,
uncompromisingly British air. Only two men enter.
"If we meet the carriage coming for us we ran. stop it," I
repeat, adopting an off-hand manner to conceal a gradually
increasing feeling of uncertainty.
\Ye are well on our way through Etajjles and approaching
the wooden bridge over the Canche.
Our companions are pleasant gentlemen, artists, it is
possible, except one in a blouse with porter's cap labelled
"Paris-Plage," and a brass badge numbered on his arm.
He doesn't seem a very intelligent specimen of the French
win-king man; his face and hands are mahogany-coloured,
his Mack hair is close cropped, his eyes are somewhat bleary,
and his manner somewhat beery. He is smoking the stump
of the nastiest cigar I ever remember to have smelt. Is
smoking allowed in the trams? I can't see any notice up
forbidding it, so I am silent ; but 'tis pain and grief to me,
while my wife employs her energies in keeping the sliding
door wide open to let the smoke out or the air in.
The bleary commissionaire (or whatever he is) engages him-
self in a muzzy sort of jerky conversa-
tion with a companion who is sober and
altogether his superior.
" I don't see the carriage," I say to
my wife, aside. She shakes her head,
and is silent.
"It doesn't matter," I continue, cheer-
fully, " because there 's a sort of little
station just at the corner of the road
leading to Le Touquet where we get
out."
" Ah," observes a polite man in a
grey suit, who has joined iis at Etaples.
" The tram doesn't stop there now."
"What!" I exclaim.
Here is my edifice shattered ! All my
little plans gone at one fell swoop !
" No," the affable stranger continues.
" There was some difficulty about it, and
the trams now run up to about two or
three hundred yards further off, nearer
Paris-Plage."
his head out of one of the windows, and, while the grubby
! face of the blue-bloused muzzy porter appears just over his
' shoulder, he calls out, " You don't want this chap, do you ? "
" No," I return, " most decidedly not." And my wife
agrees with me, at the moment. The tram disappears into
the sandy distance.
Here we are, the pair of us, with four bulky leather bags,
our luggage, all alone, not a soul in sight, not a sound to be
heard save the buzzing of flies and the humming of (probably
stinging) insects. Two strangers in a strange land on the
borders of the Forest of Le Touquet.
7.40. The shades of evening are already slowly com-
mencing to gather round us.
We regard one another blankly. " What shall we do ? "
What we did and how we did it I must keep for "my next."
A HOT WEATHER STUDY.
" But I don't want to go to Paris-Plage," I protest.
" You needn't," replies my chance acquaintance ; " you
can get out with the bags when the tram stops, and it 's
not more than a quarter of a mile, or so, to the Hotel in the
Forest. Besides, they '11 probably send some one."
My wife and I regard one another ; we say nothing, but
think the more. Query. — " Would they, probably, send some-
one?" And— if not?
Here the blear-eyed beery man in a blouse joins in. He
offers his services uninvited ; presents his ticket, numbered :
gives us his name — it isn't unlike M. CLEMENCEAU — and he has,
he says, only to go to Paris-Plage, not five minutes on, and
he would return and do his possible for us. He argues,
harangues, addresses all the passengers in turn, smoking
his filthy cigar the while, and pressing upon everybody the
incalculable utility of his services to its. I will have none
of him. As I arrive at this fixed determination we pass the
"shelter" where we used to stop for Le Touquet, and are
carried on to a point where the roads divide — one going to
Paris-Plage. Here there is no shelter at all. No signs of
any life whatever — except insect life.
We descend. The conductor and the friendly voyageur
assist us with the baggage. Blue-bloused man with filthy
cigar regards the operation from a window. Then, as the
tram slowly gets into motion again, the friendly voyageur puts
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
Blackwood, ever renewing its youth like the eagle, dis-
tinguished itself during the campaign in South Africa by
publication of some of the most vigorous, vivid pictures of
the war that appeared in the Press, daily, weekly or
monthly. In the current number of the Magazine there is
promise of fresh triumph in connection
with the conflict between Russia and
• lapan. Since my Baronite read the con-
tributions of "Linesman," and "On
the Heels of DE WET," he has come
upon nothing more picturesque than the
stories under the heading, " The War in
the Far East," by a writer who modestly
conceals his identity under the letter
0., omitting even the exclamatory "h."
There are five pictures in the panel, all
good. But the account of " the block-
ing of Port Arthur " is a masterpiece.
Let me introduce to your notice TJie
Challoners, by E. F. BENSON (HEINEMANN),
whose acquaintance few of you, if any,
will regret having made. It is a
quite unsensational novel of charac-
ter and conversation : individualities
are attractively described without any
attempt at exaggeration, and all the
conversations are so perfectly natural as to appear, occasion-
ally, intensely silly ; but, on the other hand, they are dis-
tinctly amusing when the conversationalists themselves
are intended to be witty, and they are interesting when the
dramatis personce are in real genuine earnest. This is high
comedy : the low comedy, in which term farce is niot by any
means meant to be included, is provided by Lady Sunning-
dale, a very modern, aristocratic, but quite legitimate deve-
lopment of our old middle-class friend, Mrs. Nickleby.
So strong is her personality, so devoted to her is the author,
that T^dy Sunningdale is the book ; she is everything to
everybody, she is Dea ex ma-
chind: be the other characters
what they may, none of them
are worth a rap without her.
She dominates and animates the
whole : and when she is not on
the stage the action languishes.
The last scene of all will touch
not a few, but to the Baron it
is somewhat reminiscent of the
Lion Comique's old music-hall
ditty about "the good young
man that died," and is rather
Little Paul Dombeyish.
TIIE
BARON
.-W.
.lui.Y 27, 1904.]
PUNCir, OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
OPERATIC NOTES.
To OUH NEXT MERRY MUSICAL MEETING ! HIP, HIP, HURRAH !
" THRRE 's a good deal in a title," as the Rightful Heir
observed to the Doubtful Dook, and Salome, at first glance, is
a rather striking one. But, when it comes to be pronounced,
all ili 'priids on where you place the accent. Now, unfortu-
nately, the catching phrase to which the tenor's, M. RENAUD'S,
plaintive love cry is set, emphasises and fixes pronunciation
^ilome as Sallow May, a part impersonated by Madame
CM .VK, anything but "sallow" with her make-up of brick-
dusty hut vivid colouring, topped by a jet-black wig.
Tlic role of Jean, the inspired prophet, played by
M. I>M.MOI,T.S, is a profitless part. Jean is ordered off to
prison, where no doubt, he will have his hair cut, as it wants
it badly. Tin- best scene of all, musically and dramatically,
is between dignified M. PLANOON, as the Astronomer Royal,
and .Madame K iiiKBY LUNN, who, as Hesatoade (what a name !),
interrupts the Professor's astronomical observations. M.
GnJBERT as a Uoiuan I'mconxul is wonderful; specially when
one recalls liiiu as the brigand Dan-Caire-a-cusso in Carmen,
and as the Fat liny of Bohemia, Scliaunard, in La Bolietne.
The banging and the clausing and the trumpeting, the
lre<|iirnt contests between the voices and the instruments,
settled only by force majeure in the orchestra, the dull
dancing in the love-sick K'HIIJ'K apartments during the
stagnant sentimentality of the Second Act, and the general
lack of any sinnig dramatic interest in this twopence-coloured
story which M \s.si-:\ET has set to music, combine to render the
permanent reten-
tion of this opera
in the Covent
Garden practical
repertoire rather
improbable.
The successes of the season that have been scored are : — the
early Wagnerians under Dr. HANS (and arms) RICHTER ; while
under MANCINELLI and LOHSE the ancient operas have had fine
performances, honours easy being with Friiulein DESTINX,
Allies. SUZANNE ADAMS and KIRKBY LUNN, Mesdames CALVE and
MELBA. The Covent Garden Operatic-Song-Singdicate must
be "as pleased as Punch," and the public, with Signor CARUSO
and the two VANS who carried the houses with them, viz.,
VAN ROOY and VAN DYCK : and heartily grateful to Messrs.
PLANQON, SOOTTI, DUFRICHE, GILIBERT, et toute la boutique.
And now the Voices of the Night-after-Night have ceased
for a while, the singing birds have left the Garden, taking
their notes (and those of their patrons) with them, leaving
Manager MKSSAOER, Secretary FORSYTH, and everybody on the
establishment, generally satisfied.
A TEMPERATE BEVERAGE. — According to the Dally
"The Municipal Council (of Paris) issued a warning to the
public to abstain from iced drinks when heated." Certainly
there could be nothing more nauseous.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 27, 1904.
SHOULD SERIOUS DRAMA BE DIVORCED FROM THE STAGE?
[On readme in the Pan Mall Magazine, Mr. WILLIAM ARCHER'S " Real
jnversation " with Mr. A. B. WALKLEY on the subject of the revival of
Serious British Drama, Mr. Punch immediately despatched his Special
'hilistino with instructions to interview these two dialecticians, and to
adopt a style of diction appropriate to the occasion.]
SCENE— T/IC Fumoir of the Macready Club. Messrs. WALKLEY
and ARCHER discovered reading the August issue of the
"Pali Mull .Magazine." Mr. ARCHER is making a filthy mess
of his Oriental coffee by abstractedly stirring the grounds.
Mr. WALKLEY makes a gesture of protest. Enter Philistine.
Philistine. Gentlemen, I am indeed fortunate to come
upon you at a moment of apparent relaxation, and engaged,
I observe, in the perusal of that very Nox Ambrosiana of
whose theme I am here to invite your further expansion. To
plunge, as CORNELIUS NEPOS has it, in medias res, you have
jomplained that our Master Dramatists are not sufficiently
en rapport with the wider movements of the age. Yet it
surprises me that you who bring this charge, and are your-
selves the very flower of modernity, tres, tres commencement
du siecle, should have overlooked the growth of what I must
term, for want of an adequate English equivalent, la vogue
du restaurant.
Mr. Archer. The recrudescence of a hedonism which recalls
the Lucullan period —
Philistine.. Coupled, as you were about to say, with the
increased consumption of tobacco, the passion for Bridge,
and the consequent development of epicene clubs — clubs,
that is to say, which, like artifex and opifex, are common to
either gender. Other Arts, less completely dependent on the
patronage of the immediate public, suffer by these rivalries,
yet need not perish. But the Dramatic Author, so long as he
clings to the habit of being " interpreted " in a public place,
can only exist by the public's leave. Serious British Dramatic
Art will never improve its standard till it emancipates itself
from wedlock with the Stage.
Mr. Walkley. ARISTOTLE (don't stir your coffee, ARCHER) in
his clever brochure on Dramatic Principles —
Philistine. Had not, I take it, anticipated the inventions
of CAXTON. We, au contraire, have the advantage of living
in an age of printed matter. Why should I bolt my dinner,
rob myself of my cigar, and pay half a guinea for the
privilege of wedging myself into a stuffy crowd to listen to
the interpretation of ideas which I could perfectly weU
imbibe from the printed page at my own house, in my own
arm-chair, and with intervals of my own choosing for reflec-
tion or recurrence ?
Mr. Archer. In the zenith of the Periclean Era, when the
Dionysiac Theatre —
Philistine, (ignoring the inteii-uption). And don't ask me
to believe that my intelligence and imagination are si peu
de chose that I couldn't grasp the Dramatist's Purpose
without artificial lighting and coloured scenery and inter-
mediary " creators " to show me how the blank verse wants
mouthing out of all recognition of its rhythm. If I can'i
mentally reproduce the action and entourage of his characters
from the playwright's own instructions, the Intellectual Drama
is not for me.
Mr. Walkley. GOETHE contended—
Philistine (ignoring the interruption}. Why should I neec
extraneous assistance over one kind of book and not another?
Do you suppose that if I felt anxious to learn the views o
Mr. JOHN MORLEY on the career of the late Mr. GLADSTONE ;
should ask Mr. LEWIS WALLER to dress up and recite the
great work to me over the footlights, with a picture o:
Hawarden Castle in the background ? No, no. Faut dis
tinguer. Commit your Drama of Ideas to print, and let the
Stage confine itself to catering for the public with amuse
ments not to be had elsewhere.
Mr. Walkley. Still, the compatriotes of DONNAY, MIRBEAU,
IERVIEU, BRIEUX—
Philistine. Ah ! you were to tell me of the French religion
du theatre — a religion based on immorality touched by intelli-
gence—
Mr. Archer. Are you not misquoting the phrase " morality
ouched by emotion," as originally applied in the year 1873
o another kind of religion by the late MATTHEW ARN •
Philistine (ignoring the interruption}. — immorality touched
}y intelligence. Take away immorality (I use the word with-
out British prejudice) from the Dramatic Art of modern Paris,
ir indecency from her comic Press, and the intelligence of
he one and the je ne sais quoi de spirituel of the other would
not long survive the separation. And if you answer that
lie union of these qualities in their plays fails to explain the
French genius for the theatre ; that if immorality (you also
using the word in no mere Podsnapian sense) were its chief
attraction, they need still go no farther than their own vie
intime, or their own romans, in which it sufficiently abounds ; I
marvel that you who have a flair so instinctive for the human
comedy should never have remarked that to a certain type of
mind there is something peculiarly piquant and intriguing
in the public spectacle of situations of which the private ex-
perience or private narration has long left it cold and distrait.
Mr. Archer. But surely, notwithstanding his lamentable
proneness to weak conclusions, the Third Acts of Mr. PINERO'S
Gay Lord Quex (1899) and Iris (1901) showed a remarkable
combination of these two Parisian —
Philistine. That was before the date of the re-discovery of
Bridge by women. With all your insight into social ten-
dencies you seem to have ignored the influence of this game
upon our epoch. It is woman who supports the Stage.
You, Mr. ARCHER, as a man and a soldier, may come fresh to
your stall for a performance of a new Drama of Ideas after
an invigorating drill with the Artists'—
Mr. Archer. Excuse me. With the Inns of Court (Devil's
Own).
Philistine. With the Devil's Own Volunteer Corps. But
think of your women friends — or, if you prefer it, think of
mine. When a woman has been stewing over a Bridge table
from luncheon on to 7.45 P.M., then hurries home to change
and dine and smoke and snatch a little rest before she is due
at supper and a dozen more rubbers at the New Allpack's
Club, would you ask her to spend that brief interval of
recuperation in listening to an intellectual play and being
expected to think ? No ; if she goes to the theatre at all it
must not be to study her own reflection in the mirrors of life,
but to see and hear something outside the experience of daily
routine — a chorus and dance, for instance, by ladies even
more desepauletees (as the author of Scenes d'apres Nature
puts it) than the Iicens6 of her own drawing-room permits :
or a little of the smart dialogue which is no longer a feature
of la vie telle quelle se trouve.
Mr. Walkley. But I take it that in MAETERLINCK —
Philistine. You have this further objection, that he can
never become a common subject of dinner-table-talk owing
to a hideous doubt as to the right pronunciation of his name.
But I am exhausting your resources of conversation ; and
must not stay to invite your verdict on the weather, so potent
a factor in the fortunes of the Play of Ideas. Let me add,
however, in conclusion, that my chief regret, when I foresee
the approaching divorce between Serious Drama and the
Stage, is that your occupation will be gone. Still, as the
apostles of Free Trade say to our ruined capitalists, you can
always remove yoiir factories abroad — to France, Germany,
Belgium, Norway and Sweden ; or start at home in a new
line. Meanwhile, I have to thank you for this charming
interview, in which you have so ably reasoned about the
waning (or was it the waxing?) of British Dramatic Art.
Good evening. [Exit Philistine. Curtain. 0. S.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. .It i.v L'7, 1904.
..
NECESSITAS NON HABET LEGEM."
(Free Translation. — WHEN Ton WANT IT BADLY too CAN'T GET A HEARING.)
SUITOR (at telephone). " ARE YOU THERE ? " JUSTICE. " I 'M HERE ALL RIGHT. BUT I 'VE
RUN SHORT OF JUDGES. RING ME UP AGAIN NOVEMBER."
." The Special Jury cases, presumably all of considerable importance, will not be heard of again until the end of October or the beginning
pvember. It is no wonder in these circumstances that counsel proteated against this state of things as ' terrible to the Bar and terrible
itors . . . The Judges liave just decided not to shorten the Long Vacation."]
JULY 27, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
59
MULTUM IN PARVO."
THE ONLY BOAT LEFT ! A STORY WITHOUT WORDS.
THE DANGER OF BEING IN THE PUBLIC EYE.
["During the third stage of the Marseilles-Tours bicycle race the
winner, AUCOUTUHIEB, was attacked by fifty cyclists at Nimes, being
rescued by the Editor of the Vila, who displayed a loaded revolver."—
Daily Press."]
FROM the Sporting Man of the week after next : —
A disgraceful scene occurred at Lord's yesterday, on the
occasion of Mr. C. B. FRY'S twenty-third consecutive century.
When the teams adjourned for lunch, Mr. FRY, who was not
out, was intercepted by twenty sporting journalists, who
assailed him with pointed epigrams, heavy platitudes, and
other lethal weapons. He must have been severely man-
handled but for the prompt interference of Mr. HESKETH-
PRICHARD, who speedily scattered the crowd with an over of
fast off-theory balls, and enabled the great author to escape
at the cost of a rather severely split infinitive. It is true, of
course, that hundreds of journalists have been thrown out
of work by Mr. FRY and the other batsmen-authors, but
nothing can excuse mob-violence, and it is to be hoped that
the police will secure the arrest of such of the miscreants as
were not l-b:w to Mr. PRICHARD.
The brutal attack 011 SHRUBB by the defeated competitors
in the two-mile race at Lilley Bridge has had a more serious
result than was at first considered probable. In spite of a
fallant rescue on the part of the Editor of the Eapid Review,
HKUBB had to be transplanted to the nearest hospital, where
he is now bedded, and looks as if he had taken root.
While Mr. EUSTACE H. MILES was playing off the semi-final
of the North Balliam Spiropole Competition last Friday, three
hundred readers whom he had previously persuaded to live
on Plasmon biscuits and Grape Nuts surrounded him threaten-
ingly, and endeavoured to compel him to devour a prime
chump chop and mashed. They were aided and abetted by
SONNY JIM, the high-jumper, who urged them to try force.
During the dictation of the third chapter of his latest novel
Mr. S. R. CROCKETT was the victim of a savage attack on the
part of his type-writing staff, who, maddened by overwork,
rose at him in a body with Remingtons. He was rescued by
Dr. ROBERTSON NIOOLL, who drew off the attack in his own
direction by reading extracts from the correspondence of his
friend Mr. CLAUDIUS CLEAR.
UNDER ONE FLAG.
Mr. Punch offers his heartiest good wishes for the success
of the Union Jack Club, whose inauguration took place on
Thursday last, when H.R.H. the Prince of WALES kid the
foundation-stone and delivered a speech not less soldierly
than sailorly. The Club's premises, designed for the social
comfort of men of both services, are to rise just opposite the
exit from the London and South- Western Terminus, through
which most of them pass, outward or inward, at one time or
another ; and this first stage of a new and peaceful Waterloo
has been largely won in the work-room of its Secretary, that
energetic Old Salopian, Major ARTHUR HAGGARD. Mr. Punch
has yet to be informed whether dog-telepathy is traceable
throughout the HAGGARD family ; but it is a significant fact
that last Wednesday, on the very eve of the foundation
ceremony, his trusty hound Toby, in attendance on his
Round Table (at Hurlingham, pro hdc vice), emitted an
uncontrollable series of joyous barks. Prosit omen !
CO
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 27, 1904.
THE OLD AGE CURE.
BY the kindness of the Editor of the
Spectator, Mr. Punch is happily enabled
to present his readers with a selection
from the letters which will appear in the
next issueof our contemporary on the sub-
ject of " The Prolongation of Life " :—
SIR,— You are doing a great public
service by throwing open your columns
to a discussion of the means of pro-
moting longevity, and will perhaps allow
me to contribute a practical suggestion
drawn from the experience of my own
family. When my grand -uncle Lord
LOXIIMIRE was sixty-seven he took to
walking on all fours. It created some
sensation at first, but the excitement
wore off when it became known that he
adopted this mode of progression de-
liberately on hygienic grounds. Being
a confirmed evolutionist he argued that
the best way to counteract the deteriora-
ting influences of civilisation was to
revert to the habits of the primitive
type. In addition to this, walking on
all fours keeps the blood in the head,
enhances cerebral activity, and promotes
the growth of the hair. The system
worked very well for several years with
my grand -uncle, but, unfortunately,
during a visit to London in the year
1872, while crossing Piccadilly Circus
in a fog on all fours, he butted into a
Hammersmith omnibus with results
which I do not care to describe in your
columns. I remember discussing the
incident with Mr. GLADSTONE at the
Cosmopolitan Club shortly afterwards.
Physiologically, Mr. GLADSTONE admitted
that something might be said in favour
of my grand-uncle's mode of locomotion,
but he regarded the ethical significance
of the word " upright " as conclusive
against it. When I was an under-
graduate at Balliol I tried to introduce
the practice, but met with little support,
my adoption of the quadrumanous
method of progression during a walk
with Dr. JOWETT attracting so incon-
veniently large a crowd that the Master
begged me to conform to the usage of
the majority. I am, Sir, &c.
LAWRENCE LONOMIRE.
' [We are, of course, only too glad to
publish Mr. LONOMIRE'S intensely in-
teresting letter, though we confess our-
selves slightly sceptical as to its practical
value. No doubt it would enable volun-
teers to take cover more easily, but how
could they fire their rifles when advanc-
ing not only in fours, but on all fours ?
— ED. Spectator.]
SIR,— To keep old age at bay and
guard against sclerosis of the arteries,
there is nothing like hot milk baths and
jumping. Every morning I jump back-
wards and forwards forty times over a
malacca cane placed on two chairs about
1ft. Sin. above the floor. A dash of
vinegar in the hot milk renders it pecu-
liarly exhilarating on a hot clay. If any
of your readers care to follow up the
subject they had better turn up the
issues of the Kensal Green Clarion for
April 1st and 8th, and June 15th, 22nd
and 29th, 1868, where I have described
these and other experiments at full
length. They will, however, have to
do so at the British Museum, as the
numbers are, of course, long out of
print. I am, Sir, &c. OCTOGEXAIUAN.
[We cordially recommend " Octogen-
arian's " admirable letter to all who are
endeavouring to resist the introduction
of Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S sinister proposals.
Under a system of Protection, hot milk
baths would be beyond the reach of
all but a few millionaires, and malacca
canes a luxury beyond the dreams of
avarice. But why " backwards and for-
wards " ? Surely " forwards and back-
wards" would be equally healthy and
refreshing. — ED. Spectator.]
SIR, — In the course of the interesting
correspondence now proceeding in your
columns I see no mention of one of the
simplest and most efficacious means of
prolonging life indefinitely — that of
dispensing with or at any rate minimising
the hours of sleep. The Prince of WALES,
then Duke of YORK, struck the right
note in his Guildhall speech when he
appealed to his fellow-countrymen to
Wake Up ! Sleep, when indulged in to
excess, causes sluggishness and stertor-
ous breathing culminating in chronic
coma. It is only when taken in homoeo-
pathic doses that it is really refreshing
and invigorating. For the last twenty
years I have never regularly gone to bed,
contenting myself with an occasional
five minutes' snooze in a bath chair.
The poets are often indifferent guides in
the matter of physical culture, but
MOORE was entirely correct when he sang
" The best of all ways
To lengthen our days
Is to steal a few hours from the night . . ."
I am, Sir, &c. S. CAVENDISH.
SIR, — Let me offer your readers a
perfectly infallible old-age cure which I
have rigidly practised with complete
success. After attaining the age of
twenty-five, only celebrate your birthday
once in four years. I am, Sir, &c.
PRIMA DONNA.
[We are delighted to publish our
correspondent's spirited and sensible
communication, though we confess that,
if universally acted upon, her advice
might seriously impair the accuracy of
the Census Returns. Still, for the next
five years it can be followed without
any prejudicial results. — ED. Spectator.]
COUNTER-IRRITANT. — The haughty Post
Office official (female).
CHARIVARIA.
IT is reported that the German Govern-
ment has received a satisfactory explana-
tion from the Russian Government of
the searching of the German liner. The
Russian Commander mistook the vessel
for a British one.
Owing to the fact that there was no
fighting on the date mentioned, the
reported slaughter of 30,000 Japanese
by the Russians is now recognised as
not having taken place.
Disgusted at the restrictions that are
placed in their way, many war corre-
spondents are returning to England
from the East, and it will be interesting
to see whether the war will survive
this nasty snub.
Two more Russian vessels have been
destroyed by striking mines outside
Vladivostock. Moral : — Know your own
mine.
After dealing with England the Pro-
phet DOWIE threatens to tackle Germany.
This common danger will draw KINO
and KAISER still closer to one another.
The artist hitherto known as TOM
MOSTYN has painted a religious picture
for the Dor6 Gallery, and is now Mr.
THOMAS MOSTYN.
An eccentric octogenarian lady, living
in New Jersey, recently became engaged
to an Englishman. According to the
Mail she has prepared her trousseau,
which consists of a new pair of trousers
made by herself. " Her fiance," con-
cludes the report, " recently sailed for
England." Coward!
The new volume of London Statistics
shows that the fall in the birth-rate con-
tinues, and it is rumoured that the ten
Lincolnshire farm-labourers who recently
received prizes as being the fathers of
150 children are to be bought by the
London County Council.
It is always the innccent public which
suffers in trade disputes. All complaints
as to meat being high in this abnormal
weather are now met by the butchers
with the explanation that it is due to
the American strike.
The latest fad at Newport, the summer
resort of New York's " Four Hundred,"
is yellow dogs. According to the Express
someone even gave a " Yellow Dog
Dinner" the other day. We like the
faint suggestion of curry in the title.
Millinery for horses is gradually
making headway. Bonnets they have
JULY 27, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
61
had for sonic time. Now it isannomn •(•>
that an Ari/.ona fanner lias invented ;
machine for trimming horses' hoofs.
Last week a swarm of bees entered a
letter-box, and were only driven oir
witli the greatest difficulty. The attrac
tiou is supposed to have been a love
letter which began with the words, "Mj
honey."
We are not surprised that many Mem
bers should have spent a whole night at
the House of Commons. We are onl\
astonished that, it does not happen inon
frequently. There is no known Club
with greater facilities for sleeping.
RAILWAY ROMANCES.
[It lias been suggested that novelists might
very well lend the assistance of their art to the
designs of the traffic managers of railways.]
SHE was sitting in the superb res-
taurant-car of the 12'57 (Pimlico to
Fourth) express, toying elegantly with
the cherry-tart which the Great Southern
Railway Company invariably include
in their recherche half-crown luncheon,
when the train, punctual to the minute
as usual, pulled up at the first stopping
place. When it is said that her personal
appearance recalled the fascinating dam-
sel who figures upon the Company's
Summer Service poster (q.v.) at all the
railway stations in the kingdom, it will
appear that she belonged to no common
type. And so he evidently thought as
he entered the car, accompanied by
several courteous officials of the Company
carrying his lighter impedimenta (the
racks in the car are not intended for
heavy luggage), and sat down immedi-
ately opposite to her, rejoicing that the
well-merited popularity of this express
made it the only seat available.
Bashfully she fell to counting her
cherry-stones.
"He loves me," she said at length,
putting down the spoon thoughtfully
provided by the Company for the use
of passengers wishing to negotiate their
cherry tart.
He did not deny it. He was studying
the beautifully illuminated menu card.
" Clear, please," he said sharply, and the
obsequious attendant at once obeyed.
Her heart beat faster. She knew now
that he wished to be alone with her.
a e e
"Tickets," said the guard, as the
train sped gondola-like through the
lovely scenery with which Nature has
endowed both sides of the Great Southern
Company's line.
Two pearly tears coursed down her
cheeks at the word. She stopped them
with the artistic Japanese serviette witli
which every lunclier is presented by
the Company.
Bobby. "Do TOC KNOW WHAT DADDY CALLS TOD, MB. ToVEY?"
A/r. Totey. "No, BOBBY. WHAT is IT?"
Bobby. " HE CALLS YOD PORT ABTHUB, 'CAUSE YOU TAKE so LONG TO SI-RRENDER ! '
'Allow me," he said, finding his
tongue at last, " to offer you mine."
"Not transferable," snapped the
guard, with a clever assumption of the
stupidity so often met with on other
railways.
FERDIKAND looked up at this lettse,
and saw at once through the thin dis-
guise. " MABMADUKE NEVILLE ! " he
hundered, "no villain ever yet rose to
>e a guard upon this line. Why are
•ou here ? " But before the other (for
t was he) could reply, he had hurled
lim headlong into the well-stocked kit-
hen, and taking the ticketless girl in
lis arms had carried her down the
corridor to the slip-carriage at the rear
of the train (Billingboro' and Cooington
Branch only. Circular Tickets available
for return at any time, including day
of issue, are specially recommended for
this District). They gained the end car-
riage just as it automatically detached
itself from the express.
" LEONORA," he observed, " we are
saved- — for the present."
" FERDINAND," she said, ecstatically,
" my boxes are all registered through,
and will be delivered at the other
end by the Company at an inclusive
charge of sixpence each. Isn't it con-
venient ? "
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 27, 1904.
MR.
PUNCH'S SYMPOSIA."
XX.— SUMTSIER DRINKS.
SCENE— The Welcome Club.
PRESENT.
The Et. Hon. A. J. Balfour (i» the
Chair).
The Duke of Devonshire.
The Archbishop of Canterbury.
,Sii- Wilfrid Lawson, M.P.
Mr. Henry Chaplin, M.P.
Mr. Alfred Austin.
Mr. John Burns, M.P.
Mr. Labouchere, M.P.
Miss Marie Corelli.
Mr. Balfour. The question before us
is What is the best summer drink? So
many persons injure health and temper
through ignorance in this matter that it
was thought well that some of the wisest
in the land should meet together to
decide upon what is best.
Miss Marie Corelli. Before the discus-
sion really begins I should like to say a
few humble yet pertinent words.
English summer is one of the most
vulgar and coarsening influences under
which my unhappy country suffers. It
flushes the face and deadens the intel-
lect. I was dining one hot day recently
in a ducal mansion, and I heard not one
witty or even intellectual remark. By
devising pleasant drinks you will help to
make the summer endurable ; I ask you
in modest but no uncertain tones to
make it impossible.
Duke of Devonshire. Sarsaparilla is
an admirable cooler. There is an
itinerant vendor of this excellent fluid
just opposite the Abbey, and I invari-
ably drink a penny glass on my way to
the House of Lords. I attribute the
success with which I have come through
the recent hot snap to frequent glasses
of sarsaparilla and a light green
puggaree.
Sir Wilfrid Lawson. Do you prefer a
puggaree to a pith helmet ?
Duke of Devonshire. I think so. There
are styles of beauty with which the pith
helmet does not consort very happily.
Mine is, I think, one of them.
Mr. Labouchere. But we are here to
discuss drinks. By no stretch of imagi-
nation can a pith helmet be described
as a drink.
Sir Wilfrid Lawson. True; but in
default of anything else one could use a
pith helmet as a drinking utensil. I
remember doing so one very hot night
last week, during an all-night sitting.
I left the House for a little fresh air
when everything was closed, and, in the
despair of "thirst, dipped my helmet into
one of the Trafalgar Square fountains.
I recollect the incident so distinctly
because when I began to drink 1 found
that I had caught a gold fish.
Mr. John Burns. Surely that is against
the law.
Sir Wilfrid Lawson. It was quite
involuntary.
Mr. John Burns. I doubt it that
makes any difference. I trust, as a
County Councillor, that the incident will
not occur again.
Sir Wilfrid Lawson. I am sure I hope
not It was most unpleasant.
Miss Marie Corelli Did you say a
gold fish ?
Sir Wilfrid Lawson. Yes, a gold fish.
Miss Marie Corelli. Ah, there you
have it! It is this passion for gold
which is corrupting all our manners and
morals. An ordinary fish would have
given you no inconvenience.
Sir Wilfrid Lawson. Pardon me. I
should object even to an ordinary fish.
Miss Marie Corelli. No, there you are
wrong. It is the gold that was detri-
mental—nothing else. Oh, gold ! gold !
what enormities are committed in thy
Duke of Devonshire. What did BOB
mix for you ?
name ! What —
Mr. Balfour. I notice that one of the
morning papers — not one of the three-
penny ones— has been distributing iced
filtered water free at various points in
the metropolis during the hot weather.
I was always brought up to consider
cold water a deleterious beverage when
one is very hot.
Archbishop of Canterbury. Claret cup
is probably healthier.
Mr. Balfour. And yet few morning
papers could afford to give away claret
cup.
Archbishop of Canterbury. They don t
know what they can afford till they try.
Look at the Times. Who would have
expected a financial supplement? — yet
there it is. Why not claret cup ?
Mr. Alfred Austin. Barley water is
very cooling, especially when it has a
little lemon with it. I write most of my
poetry on it.
Sir Wilfrid Lawson.
On either side the poet lie
Long drinks of barley
I write my poetry on plain water.
Mr. Labouchere. Drinking of all kinds
is wrong when one is thirsty. A cigarette
is the true panacea.
Miss Marie Corelli. I raise my voice
with extreme reluctance, but I must say
that it is my firm conviction that all
tobacco plantations should be ploughed
up. I attribute to our love of tobacco
nearly every social ill that England
suffers from. Why has our hospitality
decayed ? — Tobacco. Why are American
girls so charming ? — Tobacco. Why do
we tolerate a decadent church? —
Tobacco. Why—
Mr. Chaplin. It is, I am convinced, a
mistake to resort to cocktails in this
weather. I was induced the other day
to try a " Leave it to BOB," and I am
still conscious of the error.
Mr. Chaplin. I don't know what it
was, but 1 passed through a stage of
exhilaration of far too acute a nature,
succeeded by positive depression.
Sir Wilfrid Lawson. Cold water were
a safer rule — or lemonade.
Mr. John Burns. In Battersea Park
there is a run on raspberry vinegar.
Mr. Chaplin. Rosebery vinegar ?
Mr. John Burns. No, raspberry vine-
gar.
Mr. Chaplin. Ah !
Mr. Alfred Austin. Did I say that I
wrote most of my poetry on barley
water ?
Mr. Balfour. Yes.
Archbishop of Canterbury. What then
are we to recommend the great British
public ?
Duke of Devonshire. I believe that
cabmen drink cold tea. They seem to
be a healthy class.
Mr. Balfour. A little anaemic, I think.
Mr. Labouchere. Not in language,
surely ?
Mr. Balfour. True.
Archbishop of Canterbury. Then are
we to recommend cold tea ?
Mr. Labouchere. Or cigarettes ?
Duke of Devonshire. Or sarsaparilla ?
Mr. Alfred Austin. Or barley water?
I fancy I said that I wrote most of
my —
Sir Wilfrid Lawson. Or cold water ?
Archbishop of Canterbury. After all,
why not cold water ? It has the sanc-
tion of antiquity. It is older than any
of the other beverages named.
Duke of Devonshire. It is also cheaper.
Newspapers give it away.
Mr. Chaplin. But what will the
licensed victuallers say ? Do we dare at
this date to recommend anything opposed
to their interests ?
Mr. Balfour. There is much in that.
Perhaps it would be safer to advise beer.
After all, beer is a good deal drunk. It
is a popular quencher. Why not beer ?
Miss Marie Corelli. 0, Beer! Beer!
That it should come to this. Where
shall we look for the secret of England's
turpitude if not in beer ? Beer
[Left lamenting to bystanders.
Curtain fall* on a brief Comedy.
RUSSIA'S
ANSWER
CLOSE OF PLAY
Evening Poster.
THE President of the Geographical
Society recently remarked, on laying
down his morning paper, that the
Marquis of ANGLESEY seemed to be in
Menai Straits.
JULY 27, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
03
A PROMISING PARTNER.
Miss Li'jhtfoat. " BUT — EB — IF YOU 'HE NOT CERTAIN IK YOU CAN UANCE THE TWO-STEP, MB. CLUVPSOLE, PERHAPS you "u PREFER TO SIT
IT OCT." Enthusiast. " OH NO, THANKS. I WANT TO I.EABN IT ! "
HARD TIMES FOR THE BIRDS."
"It is reported from Welbeck, where Mr.
CHAMBERLAIN is to address a great meeting on
August 4th, that the local sparrows have taken
possession of the roof of the hall destined for
the audience. These sparrows, with their
present and previous families, keep up such a
loud and incessant chirping as to make it im-
possible for any one else to be heard. The
'closure ' has accordingly been carried, and the
sparrows, with their nests, and families of
successive generations, are to be evicted forth-
with."— Spectator.
OWING to the noise which the rooks
made the other day while Mr. CHAMBER-
LAIN and Mr. BALFOUR were walking in
Kensington Gardens, it has been decided
to cut down the trees in which they
build every spring, in the hope of
ridding the neighbourhood of such
pests. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN is said to have
had the greatest difficulty in hearing
what were Mr. BALFOUR'S views on the
fiscal question. Both gentlemen deplore
the destruction of the trees, but both are
agreed that it would not have been
decided upon without caws.
The authorities at the Britisli Museum,
who have long been waiting for some
such precedent as this, have now decided
to expel the pigeons, which often make
so much noise in the cooing season that
readers in the Reading Room can hardly
hear themselves sneeze.
A BALLAD OF EDINBORO' TOON.
THE lusty Sun did glower aboon,
Wi' welcome in his cheerfu' rays ;
I walked in Edinboro' Toon,
A' in ma caller claes.
For I had donned ma coat o' cheiks
That cost me guineas twa an' three,
But and ma pair o' ditto breeks
That luiked sae pleasantlie.
On ilka breek were creasies twa ;
And they did hang sae fine, sae fine,
Frae John o' Groats to Gallowa'
Were nane sae fair as mine.
An' first I honoured Geordie Street,
An' syne I walked the Prince's ane,
To gie to ilka lass a treat
An' a' the laddies pain.
An' mony a laddie's hert was sair ;
An' mony a lassie's een, ay, mouy,
Uplicht wi' joy to see a pair
Sae canny an' sae bonny.
I hadna walked an hour at maist,
I hadna honoured half the Toon,
The air grew drumlie lik' a ghaist,
An' syne the rain cam' doon.
An' first the dust it gently kid,
An' syne it cam' in cats an' doggies,
That loosed the cobble-stanes, and played
Auld Hornie wi' ma toggies.
0 waly for ma coat o' cheicks
That cost me guineas twa and three !
An' waly for ma ditto breeks
Sae bagsome at the knee !
The creasies twa are past reca"
That gard them hang sae tine, sae fine ;
Frae John o' Groats to Gallowa'
Are nane sae puir as mine !
0 fause, inhospitable Toon,
I rede thee, gin I come again,
Ma claes sail be o' Reich-ma-doon,
An' deil tak' your rain !
Den-Dot.
64
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 27, 1904.
COAST DEFENCE. PORTSMOUTH.
THIS IS NOT AN IMAGINARY EFFORT ON THE PART OF OUR ARTIST, BUT A SOBER RECORD OF THE SCIENTIFIC AND UP-TO-DATE METHODS EMPIOYED
NEMY LANDING ON OUR COASTS. IN THE UNFORTUNATE EVENT OF THE SUPPLY OF DECK-CHAIRS BEING INADEQUATE, IT IS PRESUMED
THAT THE BATHING MACHINES WOULD BE UTILISED AS BLOCK-HOUSES."
HOW WE WRITE HISTORY NOW.
IT must be apparent to all who have
seen the prospectus of the very latest
" Modern History " that the old idea of
a continuous narrative, written by one
person, has been discarded. Nobody,
nowadays, can be sufficiently acquainted
with the vast quantity of "original
sources," documents, &c., now brought
to light, to be able to write a whole
chapter on any subject. The history of
the future will be divided into small
periods of years, days, and weeks, cover-
ing the successive movements or episodes
to be narrated. Each contributor will
have a segment of this allotted to him,
perhaps five or ten minutes, or even a
whole day, covering the special inci-
dents of which he has made a lifelong
study.
But one cannot help thinking that it
would be better still if each single
object or detail described were entrusted
to a specialist, on whom the reader
could rely for a thorough knowledge of
that particular thing.
Here, for instance, is a suggested
fragment of a Prospectus of the
NEW PITT-CLARENDON MODERN HISTORY.
VOL. CXLVH.— THE END OF
ABSOLUTISM.
CHAP. 33. — THE EXECUTION OF KING
CHARI.ES.
Section 1. — The Morning of the Execu-
tion, by the President of the
Meteorological Society.
Section 2.~Tiie King at Breakfast, by
the Chef of the Carlton (assisted
by the Lyons King of Arms).
Section 3.— The Scaffold, by the contrac-
tors for the new War Office.
Section 4.— The Axe, by the Secretary of
the Cutlers' Union, Sheffield.
Section 5.— The Blow, by FITZSIHMONS.
Section 6— -Popular Feeling, by the
Editor of the Daily Mail.
And so on. Of course these sugges-
tions are open to revision, but we trust
they convey the main idea that no con-
tributor-historian should have more than
one topic on his mind, and that should be
one with which he is in constant touch.
Should the detailed treatment appear
jejune and disjointed, then for the pur-
poses simply of popular reading the whole
might be " compressed into an animated
narrative " by some person specially fitted
for that business, say, Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE.
FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.— The Duke
of Killicrankie, being a trifle over-
come, though by no means exhausted,
by his long run, will leave the Criterion
in order to benefit his health by the
fresh-air cure at Wyndham's Theatre.
His Grace's luggage consists of a few
private boxes.
SOMEBODY whose companionship is in-
valuable in this spell of hot weather. —
A shadv sort of fellow.
PUNCH, OR THR LONDON CHARIVARI JCLY 27, 1904.
\
THE JOLLY ROGERS.
{Of the Russian Mercantile Volunteer Fleet.)
CAPTAIN BEAR. " AHA ! WE 'RE CLEAR OF THE DARDANELLES. UP GOES THE FIGHTING FLAG ! "
Chorus (from below). "WE ARE THE JOLLIES, THE EMPEROR'S JOLLIES, MERCHANT AND PIRATE, TOO!"
(After Mr. RUDYABD KIPLING.)
JOLT 27, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
67
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY or TOBT, M.P.
House of Common*, Monday, July 18.
— " When the Ministry was last recon-
structed there were," says the M I:\IIIKI;
ron SANK, "some folk who objected in
AUSTEN CHAHBBRLAIH'S being made
Chancellor of the Exchequer. Not
on personal grounds. Few men more
popular on both sides. But it was
urged he \vas a trifle young, a little
lacking in experience, to fill a place
occupied in succession by PITT, PEEL,
DISRAELI, and GLADSTONE, not to mention
the Sage of MALWOOD-CI'.M-NI XKHAM, and
ST. MICHAEL AND ALL ANCJELS. Turns out
to have been, in the national interest, the
happiest arrangement possible. DON
JOSE'S self-appointed mission is to educate
the people in the science of fiscal reform,
showing them how much better off they
will be all round when Protection is
resurrected. Has gone about the country
• — not stealing ducks as did an anony-
mous yet celebrated person, but — making
speeches.
"Not since Mr. G., being at the time
two years older than DON JOSE is to-day,
went forth on his first Midlothian cam-
paign has the world seen such pheno-
menon of energy and capacity. But
speech is, more truly than was FIELDING
as described by Dr. JOHNSON, ' a barren
rascal.' If DON JOSE had been on the
other side of the controversy he would
have made speeches equally effective.
Indeed he did make them. His
new crusade has deeply stirred the
Free Traders. Their very best men
have come forward to reply to the new
THE PROTECTIVE HAT.
" Son Austen " tries another experiment in
Protection and faces the storm with top-hat
i rarely seen on the Treasury Bench ) well over
! his eyes.
WATCHING THE TOBACCO DEBATE.
" Wills's Birdseye " and " Cavendish."
(Sir Fr-d-r-ck W-lls and Mr. V-ct-r C-v-nd-sh.
apostle of Protection. Their most
brilliant and successful efforts, nay the
aggregation of them, are not more
scathingly complete in refutation of DON
Josh's new heresy than are his own
speeches delivered at Ipswich, January
14, 1885, and at the Cobden Club
dinner in June of the same year.
" What the country, pondering the
momentous question, wants is not speech-
making but practical illustration. That
SON AUSTEN, uplifted to the Chancellor-
ship of the Exchequer, has been able to
supply. His imposition of extra duty of
3d. a pound on stripped tobacco is
avowedly a Protectionist move taken in
the interests of the British workman.
And what do friendly experts say of it ?
' ' Entirely protective in its nature,
absolutely inconsistent with the pledge
that this was to be a Free Trade Budget,'
protests that good Unionist McARTHun.
" ' If Protection is to be tried at all,'
said that other faithful Ministerialist
ATSTIN TAYLOR, ' I prefer to see it tried
on a large scale rather than by peddling
experiments.'
" Put it as you like, there is the fact
that the experiment has been tried.
And what is the result? FREDERICK
WILLS, another loyal Unionist, one of
the heads of the biggest tobacco busi-
nesses in the world, shall testify. 'A
very heavy fine has been imposed on
the British tobacco trade without corre-
sponding benefit to the revenue.' Thus
Sir FREDERICK, who at least knows what
he is talking about, and is politically
not inclined to make things disagreeable
for the best of all Governments."
Not often SARK holds forth at this
length. The occasion certainly inviting.
SON AUSTEN attempts to calm the rising
storm by sacrificing one-half of the
revenue counted upon from levy of new
tax on stripped tobacco in bond. That,
with other concessions, would mean a
falling-off of £200,000. Anticipating
additional revenue of £550,000 from
the new tax, it will now yield only
£350,000. Even this calculation taken
exception to by experts. They say the
whole tobacco trade has been thrown
into confusion ; business in strips has
entirely ceased ; will yield scarcely any
revenue.
As for concession now proffered,
Opposition decline to look at it. All or
nothing, they say. Bang goes the
threepence or the fight will continue.
On a division the proposal to make the
rebate on strips which were in bond
when Budget Bill was introduced three-
pence instead of three ha'pence defeated
by a majority of only forty-two.
"A most interesting object-lesson in
the results of the practical application
of Protectionist principles," said the
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 27, 1904.
NOBLE LORDS EN ROUTE FOR HYPE PARK.
' An imposing procession might be formed to march along Pall Mall and by way of
Piccadilly to the Park."
Fearing he was LORD CHANCELLOR remarks, " The House
MEMBER FOR SARK.
about to launch forth again I slipped
away.
Business done. — Bad night with the
will now adjourn;
does.
which it straightway
x^^oo „,.». ~~ ~-6- - — If any important business comes to the
Budget. Government majority, which i fore, the noble Lord in charge invariably
on Licensing Bill was steadily main-
tained on level of 80, run down to 42.
Rouse of Lords, Tuesday. — That evil
communications corrupt good manners
is sadly shown in case of the second
Baron NEWTON. For three years sat in
Commons. Became hopelessly imbued
with its restless manner. Always wants
to be up and doing something, a mood
wholly foreign to placid manner of noble
Lords. Just now disturbed by contem-
plation of enforced idleness of House.
Four days a week LORD CHANCELLOR
enters in state from below the bar.
The Mace-Bearer goes before, the Purse-
Bearer follows after. In the centre
strides the stately form of the Parlia-
mentary Jove, soon to be throned on the
Woolsack. Pity of it is there are rarely
more than a dozen Peers to behold the
spectacle, with a stray stranger speech-
less with awe in the gallery facing the
Throne.
If there are any private Bills on the
Orders, they are rattled through with
speed that leaves much to be desired
in the way of recognising their title,
not to speak of their merits. If
there are no Bills noble Lords privily
indulge in mild conversation. On the
stroke of half-past four public biisiness,
if there happens to be any, is called on.
It is usually concluded before five. If,
as sometimes occurs, there is none, the
puts it down for Friday night. That
happened this week. The only case in
which there is a flutter of interest about
proceedings iii the I>ords is COUNTY
GUY'S analogue of the vote of censure to
be moved by C.-B. in relation to Fiscal
question. With all the week and next
week wherein to choose, he selects Friday
for the enterprise. The reason obvious.
Friday is the day the Commons have
presumed to set apart in the matter of
time arrangements. Meeting at noon
House on Friday adjourns at six, so that
week-enders, like C.-B., can get com-
fortably away. Noble Lords, far above
such trivial considerations, rebuke the
Commons by remaining at their post on
Friday nights, often even after dinner.
True, the Commons don't care tuppence
for the snub, but many innocent people
suffer. Gentlemen in the Press Gallery,
for example, who have been in attend-
ance daily through the week, including
night sittings on Wednesdays, are kept
in on Friday nights, a free time ex-
changed for the older arrangement under
which the House rose at six on Wednes-
days. Also there are the police and
other attendants deprived of their one
off-night.
Lord NEWTON, his mind fixed on larger
matters, complains of system under
which work is distributed between the
two Houses. For months the Lords
meet in the circumstances hereinabove
described. Frozen - out gardeners of
political life, they 've got no work to do.
In the last fortnight of the Session scene
is changed. Bills that have with assis-
tance of closure been driven through
Commons come over in a batch, the
Clerk waiting at the door in haste to
carry them back as soon as Lords have
rattled through them.
Why, NEWTON asks, should not the
Lords have a first look in with some of
the Ministerial measures ? There is the
Licensing Bill, for example. Whilst
the Commons were wrangling over
the Budget the Lords might have
turned their powerful mind upon its
intricacies. As things are the Bill will
THE JACKDAW OF PETERSBURG AND THE "MALACCA."
" The mute expression Served in lieu of confession,
And, being thus coupled with full restitution,
The Jackdaw got plenary absolution ! "
JULY 27, 1'JOJ.J
ITNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
69
I
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•s
a
s
O :
QQ ev,
QQ
u
o
co .
S ."
'
§
-
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I5.
•8 °
70
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 27, 1904.
reach them next week, its approach
heralded by Ministerial circular piteously
entreating friends of the Government to
remain in town and be in their place
lest evil befall. They have been in
their place for five months and had
nothing to do.
SARK says only one thing left for
Peers. They must demonstrate. There
is 110 monopoly of Hyde Park and its
Reformers' Tree. Let noble Lords put
their pride in their pocket ; commission
JOHN BURNS to organise them ; engage
bands, streamers, waggons, and other
paraphernalia peculiar to Sunday after-
noon service in Hyde Park. Meeting
upon the Embankment in robes and
coronets, an imposing procession might
be formed to march along Pall Mall and
by way of Piccadilly to the Park.
Noble Lords might at first sight
shrink from the enterprise from con-
sciousness of the fact that they have
done little to win public sympathy.
They do the People injustics. Its Great
Heart is prepared to beat in sympathy
with any downtrodden class. The
spectacle of coronetted and cloaked
Peers bemoaning their enforced idleness
would melt the stoniest heart from
Whitechapel or Poplar.
Wednesday. — On Tuesday Commons
took up Budget Bill in Committee,
knowing they must finish it at the sitting :
having spent an hour in talking against
time whilst Ministerial majority straggled
in, devoted greater part of evening sitting
to discussion of motion for adjournment,
followed by private Tramway Bill.
Towards midnight settled down on Bud-
get Bill. By sitting all night, com-
forted by the closure, drag the Bill
through Committee. Adjourn at 3.40
this afternoon, having sat nearly 26
tiours. No Wednesday sitting.
Business done. — Sit all night and lose
one day.
ON DIT. — In answer to the Birming-
lam Grocers' inquiry to Mr. CHAMBER-
LAIN as to what was going to be done
with their " butter bill," which it seems
is likely to be left unsettled, Mr. CHAM-
BERLAIN is credited with the following
reply, " Can't attend to English butter :
too much to do with the Irish Pat." •
A BOTCHER, who shall be nameless,
advertises as follows (the jtalics being
lis own) :
THE BEST.
The well-hung Saddles of SOUTHDOWN MUTTON
. . . are supplied by ,
WHO HAS BAD THE SUPPLY FOR THE LAST
THIRTY YEARS.
Mr. Punch, while greatly respecting the
advertiser's frankness, is constrained to
regard this as a good case for the
Inspector of Nuisances.
EXTRACT FROM BRIGADE ORDERS.
" WATER WILL BE ISSUED DAILY FROM 5.30 A.M.
TO 7.30 P.M. A STAFF-SERGEANT WILL BE IN
CHARGE, AND THERE WILL BE A FLYISQ SEXTBY
OVER THE CISTERN."
(Our Warlike Correspondent sends us his idea
of this phenomenon.)
ANOTHER QUEER CALLING.
[" The summer sensation of the Paris boule-
vards inspires a writer in Oil Bias with a
notable suggestion. A gentleman sitting down
to a book, outside a cafe, removed his hat, and
disclosed a perfectly bald head, adorned with a
music-hall advertisement. Why not form a
Society of Advertising Skulls ? The writer in
Gil Bias thinks this might be good business
for bald authors who for the moment have
nothing inside their heads. Why not let the
outside ? " — Daily Chronicle.}
THERE was a time I dreaded,
The day of want and woe,
When, forty and bald-headed,
I should be found de trap ;
With sorrow I reflected
How I should be rejected
By all men, and directed
To go to Jericho.
Each morn, with anxious hand-glass
I watched the dwindling crop
That thinned as Time's fell sand-glass
Another grain let drop.
With feverish emotions
I drenched my head in oceans
Of washes, dyes and lotions
From every barber's shop.
In vain ! The tell-tale shimmer
Where first the hairs were few
Began in time to glimmer
Indubitably through ;
Nor could my art, though straining
Its all, succeed in training
The love-locks still remaining
To hide it from the view.
Then fear broke forth unruly.
" The common doom ! " I said.
" Too old at forty ! Truly
I would that I were dead ! "
And with a sudden shiver
That made my heart-strings quiver
I cried aloud, " The River !
There will I make my bed."
My nerves began to tingle —
Not mine the triple brass —
I went and took a single
To Charing Cross (third class).
" Vain efforts why redouble ?
A plunge," thought I, " a bubble —
And from this vale of trouble
Another wretch will pass."
There in the choking vapour
That City clerks know well,
My glance fell on a paper,
Scarce heeding where it fell —
Till suddenly I started,
My lips with pleasure parted,
And in my bosom started
A joy I could not tell.
" The very thing ! " I muttered.
" There is no need to die !
My bread may yet be buttered
And even jammed," thought I.
" In this new occupation
Methinks I see salvation " —
I left the train next station,
Resolved at least to try.
No more were lotions flooded
Upon me ; au contraire
I diligently studied
To slay the utmost hair.
Success my efforts greeted :
The task was soon completed,
For scarce a week had fleeted
Before my head was bare.
Now in my stall you '11 find me,
Rich, prosperous, well-fed,
And every eye behind me
Is fixed upon my head ;
For there a tale is printed
In colours all unstinted,
Wherein is subtly hinted
The praise of Bovo-Bread.
SCENE — A Eailway Compartment. Lady
in corner seat facing engine. Cour-
teous Old Gentleman opposite to her.
Other People getting in.
Courteous Old Gentleman. Allow me to
place your bags of fruit upon the rack.
Lady. Thank you so much. They will
be more out of the way there.
[Courteous Old Gentleman picks them
up and places bag containing a
basket of strawberries upside down
on rack behind him.
Lady (anxiously). Oh ! I 'm afraid the
strawberries must not go that way.
Courteous Old Gentleman (hastily cor-
recting his error). How thoughtless of me !
I will place them facing the engine.
[Removes them — xtill upside down — to
rack behind Lady.
JI-I.Y 27, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
71
THE RECORD OF A SHORT HOLIDAY.
n.
HERE we are, we two, wife and self, with
four bags, as the old nigger chorus used to
give it, " Right in the middle of the road,"
that is, to be accurate, at the apex of a triangle
formed by the meeting of the ways.
Woods to the right of us, as we face the
line of route from Etaples, along which we had
just travelled ; woods to the left of us ; woods
at the back of us ; the last leading to the sands
of Paris-Plage ; the second lot of woods to the
river Canclic ; and the first, on our right, to Le
Touquet, that is, to the " Hotel (oh, blissful
idea, suggestive of ' mine ease at mine Inn ') Le
Touquet." Time, just 8. Not a sound save
the hum of insects, the twittering of birds and
he rustling of the leaves as they yield to the
impulse of a very very gentle sea-breeze passing
pleasantly enough through the forest. Ther-
mometer about 85° in the shade.
What shall we do ? Not a soul, not a body
in view for miles away on the straight road,
nor on the two curving ones at our back.
The four bags, on the ground, look stolidly
English, and quite unsympathetic. Nothing
like leather in such circumstances. Tough
hides alone could be unaffected by our hope-
less, helpless, attitude.
No one is to be blamed. We, as duettists,
cannot exclaim to some third person, " Oh, thou
art the cause of this anguish ! " for, honestly,
we have chosen, deliberately, our own course of
action : and here is the result ! !
If that blessed (you know what I mean — but
my wife is present) Northern of France had only
stuck to its old original time bill, " the bill, the
bill, and nothing but the bill," we should have
come by the 7.15, as arranged by JACQUES
ROBIXSON NAPOLEON, instead of the 6.51. So
far we can anathematise the Company : a slight relief.
" But," observes my wife, " how is it we did not meet the
INOPPORTUNE.
Enthusiast of the " No Hat Brigade " (to elderly gentleman, u-ho hag jiust lout his
hat). "FINE IDEA THIS, Sin, FOR THE HAIR, EH?"
carriage that was sent for us ? "
Evidently, because it wasn't sent.
There are surely not
two ways from here of getting to Etaples. [There are, as
we subsequently discover ; that is, there are two ways of
getting into the main road at Le Touquet, and two ways of
getting out of it at Etaples.] However, temporarily, we blame
JACQUES ROBINSON, and having exhausted that part of the
subject, we look up and down the three roads, both listening
as eagerly as one of FENIMORE COOPER'S Indians, on the track
of the enemy, used to do, only without lying down in the
dust with ears close to the ground. Nothing.
Not a sound except the monotonous ones already mentioned.
" No, it isn't far," I reply, on the consolation-stake principle.
As to Iww far it may be, I have only the vaguest idea.
And so, pulling ourselves, and our bags, together, we cross
the theatrical-looking little rustic bridge in safety, and — we
are in the forest.
We trudge along, as gaily as may be, under the weight of
our burdens, with a purpose steadfastly in view. We plunge
deeper, that is, we trudge farther and farther, into the forest.
The Babes in the Wood — with luggage. How warm it is in
the forest !
" A pleasant breeze, now and then," says my wife cheerily,
marching along. The expression on her countenance, visible
through the veil, is that of a brave woman who will attain her
object, or perish in the attempt.
The hotel s not far off," I say stoutly. The breeze is pleasant. Happy Tlwuglit.— Deposit bags,
Isn t it ': asks my wife, doubtfully. enjoy the breeze, and rest awhile.
' And look," I exclaim as, not caring to continue the sub- j " There ought to be a bench or two here," I observe, rather
ject, I point to a sort of sign-post— un poteau— sticking up I annoyed at this evidence of want of forethought on the part
a few feet from_us_on the very border of the forest, whereon of the forest owners.
" It would be nice if there were," says my wife, resignedly.
We suit action to word. Bags deposited on fine sandy
soil, which is mixed up with tricky roots meant to catch the
unwary pedestrian's feet, with crackling dead leaves and dry
bits of branches that, but for an occasional drop of dew, a
shower of rain, and the cool shadow thrown on them by the
passing clouds, would all ignite and set the woods ablaze
we read, "A 1'Hotel du Chateau du Touquet," and 'an arrow
points the way by a small romantic footpath through the
wood.
We regard one another, irresolutely.
One idea strikes both. The four bags.
I can manage two of them," I declare boldly, "but
don't think I can carry the four."
There
I
is a pause: then my wife says pluckily, "I will ] before (well, to" put it strongly, as, should such a calamity
Before I can offer any objection, happen — absit (men — he would be the person chiefly
I1V ' I interested) before one could say JACQUES ROBINSON !
she adds, " It isn't far, you say ?
72
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 27, 1904.
We regard each other, vis-a-vis.
Heat almost overpowering, but for occasional light breeze.
The flies ! ! The further one penetrates into the forest the
more recklessly daring, the more worrying, irritating, anc
the sharper stinging become the flics.
My wife, with a veil, seems, if I may so pui it, to offer less
personal at tract ions to these little demons (Beelzebub was the
" prince of flies ') than I do.
My hands being occupied with these (blank) bags, I can
only shake my head, savagely, as if I were, constantly uttering
forcible negatives, and ejaculate, sotto voce — ahem ! — I beg
the recording angel's pardon — and I tramp forward, facing
the music. Oh, the heat ! Decidedly, there ought to be
benches at every interval of twenty yards.
Another halt. We dump down our bags. I fear my wife
is getting awfully tired. Of course I am not, oh dear no !
nor becoming horribly ill-tempered and unbearable (like the
bags) — oil dear no !
" Not at all tired," replies my wife pJuckily ; then, quite
casually, " Have we much farther to go ? "
" 1 'm afraid," I answer, dejection beginning to mark me
for its own, " it is some distance "— (" Blank the flies ! " I
growl as I whack my ears and smack my forehead) — " off.' '
" We had better be going on," urges my wife, preparing
once more to carry her allotment of bags, " or it will be
getting late."
I refer to my watch. Horror ! A quarter past eight !
The Babes have already been half an hour in. the wood !
And the daylight is fading !
If it were not that our objective is the Hotel, where our
toil will end, I should be inclined to liken ourselves to
ADAM and EVE (in travelling costume, of course, with portable
luggage) going together out into the weary world.
" If we 'd only waited at the station," I mutter, or, rather,
growl, as I lift the bags.
" Or if we had only followed out the directions exactly as
they were given us ! " says my wife, regretfully, doing the same.
"If that blessed commissionaire hadn't discovered that
new train (confound the flies !) and we hadn't taken it," I
mutter, or growl.
But such regrets we feel are absolutely useless, and we
fare on our way, crushing the dry leaves under our feet,
while the intermittent attacks of the sharp-biting buzzing
flies goad me into fits of temporary insanity.
I call another halt and dump down the bags.
" Look here, dear," I commence, " the best thing for me
to do is to run on, and —
" And leave me ! " exclaims my wife in an agonised tone,
aghast at the idea. " Alone ! ! "
" With the bags, dear," I say in a soothing tone, as if these
were an excellent protection, or, perhaps, even good company.
"And I'll hurry on," I continue in arf* encouraging tone,
"and get someone to come and fetch thes>^infernal things."
" Oh, no ! " cries my wife in terror of being left alone in
a French wood, and probably mindful of The Forest of Bondy,
Pauline, and other bloodcurdling melodramatic stories.
I vxn't stop here," she says. " I '11 come with you."
" But the bags — ' I protest hopelessly. " We can't
leave them! "
Then we pause. It is a problem like that favourite puzzle
of the ferryman, the fox, the goose, and the — I forget
what the other thing was that had to be left on the bank
with something that was sure to eat it while the boatman
returned to fetch the other live creature. I give it up.
" You can't go on alone," I say to my wife. " I can. I '11
run. I shan't be five minutes —
And in order to avoid further argument, which would end
in my yielding to my wife's entreaties, I take to my heels, and
in another second I am, as she is, out of sight,* and as out
of earshot as if there were not another living soul in the
entire forest. Still accompanied by swarms of flies, stinging,
biting, buzzing flies that are recruited at every step of the
way by fresh contingents eager for attack, I hurry on. I
pause; do I hear my wife's voice? No. Shall I return?
No. I shall do her better service by gaining the hotel and
bringing a man with a truck for "the bags. Duty first.
- the flies ! I whack my head ! Oh, the heat ! ! Now
onward, Christian soldier— onward — " half a league onward."
Half a league! 1 hope it's only a matter of ten minutes.
Ought one Babe to separate itself from the other and run on
alone even in search of help ? Would ADAM ? No one ever
thinks of ADAM without EVE. It 's unheard of. But, am I
pursuing the right path ? I 've an awfully bad memory for
localities. If I could only meet somebody ... En avant I
(To be continued.)
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
TJie Crossing (MACMILLAN) is a continuation of the series of
novels portraying early American life, upon which Mr. WINSTON
CHURCHILL (U.S.A., not Oldham) lias for some years been
engaged. Richard'Cart-el dealt with the Revolutionary War.
The Crisis had the Civil War for its theme. The Crossing
shows how, after France sold Louisiana to the then inchoate
United States, the rough Border men made trek into the Pro-
mised Land, fought the English and the Indians, settled down,
cleared forests, built cabins, and materially helped to create a
nation. My Baron ite calls it a novel for the sake of brevity
and convenience. It is rather a series of episodes, related
with dramatic power, illuminated by some marvellous picture-
painting of the wild surrounding scenery. My Baronite is least
attracted by the narrator, Davy, who from early boyhood —
most oppressively in boyhood — is too monotonously good and
clever. Polly Ann and her husband, Colonel Clark, and other
of the backwoodsmen, being less supernatural in intelligence,
are more to his taste. Lacking the cohesion that should cha-
racterise the plot of an ordinary novel, the volume carries the
reader with breathless interest to the end of its many pages.
' 'Neath the baleful star of Sirius," who is largely respon-
sible for the dog-days, you will find no better relreshment
than the reading of WALTER EMANUEL'S The Snob (LAWRENCE
AND BULLEN), delightfully illustrated by CECIL ALDIN. To
this conjunction of writer and artist we already owe that
charming and deservedly popular work, A Dog-Day, but,
laving once said that the author, whose work is familiar in
Mr. Punch's column of " Charivaria," has produced another
study of canine nature equal to the first in quality, and
considerably its superior in literary bulk, my Nautical
Retainer is debarred by a natural sense of propriety from
giving further rein to his appreciation.
The Red Window (DiGBY, LONG & Co.) is intended by its
author, FERGUS HUME, to be a sensational story ; and, bad the
nterest been kept up to the level of the starting point, it
night have been a somewhat notable novel. But when an
eccentric elderly gentleman has been murdered, and a lot of
lobodies plot together to fix the
guilt upon a young man for
whom the reader will not feel
my particular regard, and when
his plot has to be carried on
or the most part by wearisome
md confusing dialogue in scenes
ievoid of action, then the reader
will invoke the aid of the ac-
3omplished skipper, and will
' come to Hecuba " with all the
igility he may. It is not entirely
sad ; neither is it, except occa-
ionally, good.
BARON
AUGUST 3, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.
73
' \<
m&**$ •^.<SS2&r ^^M
W^^€^L^-^3if^» *,:
^sgp?4;2^s^
;/,,
A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.
"ARE THESE JODB CHILDREN? WHAT DARLINGS! ASD-EB-WHAT A VERY PRETTY WOMAN TOPR WIFE MVST BE!'
THE WHITE RABBIT.
HE looked much like any other white rabbit. His fur
was very long and soft ; his nose was a very agile nose ; it
was never still for a moment, but moved up and down with
all kinds of funny movements that robbed his amiable face
of any shred of dignity it might otherwise have possessed.
His ears were long, and his eyes were of a fiery red colour.
" They are the real pigeon's blood sort," he used to say when
he wanted to be very fierce and to make an impression on
the other animals. Once, when he was frisking about in his
little enclosure, he made this very remark to Rob, the
Labrador retriever, who was looking at him very hard from
the other side of the wire netting, but Rob, who was standing
very stiffly with his ears forward and his tail waving, and
was licking his lips every ten seconds or so, didn't seem to
hear, or if he heard he didn't pay any attention. He looked
round once or twice rather furtively to see if anyone was
about, and then, finding the coast was clear, he gathered
himself together, and with a light spring cleared the wire
netting and landed on the grass close to the White Rabbit.
Off went the White Rabbit, and after him scurried Rob.
The chase didn't last long, for after one rush and a twist
and double the White Rabbit felt tired.
"Pax," he said, " you can't hit a man when he 's down,"
and with that he crouched as flat as he could and laid his
long ears out on his back.
You see, he had been brought up in polite circles, and knew
all the etiquette. Rob, however, had none of the finer feelings
— at least, not for a rabbit lying within an inch of his nose.
" Pax be blowed ! " he said, and picked up the White
Rabbit in his mouth and trotted off as proud as a peacock.
" My dear Sir," said the White Rabbit, " you 're making
me most untidy —
" Silence," said Rob.
" ancl I 've got an engagement to meet a new little girl
at five o'clock."
" Do you know," Rob observed, dreamily, not paying any
regard to his captive's protests, "do you know, I think I
shall eat you. Yes, I shall eat you, for I'm too fond of you
to do anything else."
"I shall disagree with you," said the Rabbit; "my white
fur is most indigestive. There was an article in the Lancet
the other day about white fur— — '
" I '11 chance it," said Rob.
" And you '11 be flogged, you know."
" I '11 chance it."
"And— but this is really too absurd.
I'm a prince in disguise. It's a most
but I can't tell it to you in this position,
once, and perhaps, if you 're a very good dog—
" This is too much," said Rob. " Are you ready ?
" No," screamed the Rabbit, " I 'm not ready. It s a false
'start. Call the boats back. Oh, you 're squeezing. Oh!-
There 's no knowing what more he would or could have
! said, for at this moment a white-frocked little figure dashed
up to the enclosure and an imperious little voice shouted-
" Rob, you bad dog, how dare you ! Drop it, Rob,' anc
Rob dropped the limp White Rabbit on to the grass and
slunk away quite abashed.
" Sold again," said the White Rabbit impudently, as h
was carried back to his hutch.
(To be continued.)
Eat me! Why
interesting story.
Put me down a'
[AUGUST 3, 1901.
WOMEN I HAVE NEVER MARRIED.
FOR JANET, once my only joy,
Un tempered by mature reflection,
I entertained, while yet a boy,
The very largest predilection.
I was a student, still untried,
In those preliminary stages
When Love politely waives aside
All difference in people's ages.
I did not note, in days "when earth"
(As Plppa sang) " was nigher Heaven,
How that the years by which her birth
Preceded mine were just eleven.
I knew my soul within her eyes
Had found a kindred soul to mate it ;
While of my peers in point of size
Not one could quite appreciate it.
For then— at twelve— my complex brain,
Full of conundrums like a Sphinx's,
Regarded girls with nice disdain
As empty, foolish little minxes.
I wanted (though I had at hand
Coeval loves in nauseous plenty)
A woman who could understand ;
And JANET'S age was three-and-twenty.
So I with her, content to wait,
Platonically held communion,
Deferring to a later date
The bliss of more immediate union.
I pictured her always the same,
Unseared by life's refining fuel ;
Nor ever dreamed its furnace-flame
Would ultimately scorch my jewel.
And, when I took a three-years' tour
For purposes of social polish,
" Our love," I said, "my Koh-i-noor !
Not Time can spoil, nor Space demolish ! "
Space proved me right ; but as to Time
My hopes sustained a rude miscarriage ;
On coming home in manhood's prime
At twenty-one, and ripe for marriage,
I found — for Age is apt to do
Its witchcraft incequali sorte —
My JANET (strictly thirty-two)
To all appearance five-and-forty !
I am no hero, I who write ;
I much preferred that any other
Should wed this portly dame that might
With perfect ease have been my mother.
Of course I could not broach the fact
Of Time's discriminative dealings ;
Rather by pure unselfish tact
I hoped to spare the lady's feelings.
That strange disparity of years —
(Noblesse obligea) I ignored it,
Discussed the various hemispheres,
The ship, and how I lived aboard it ;
Painted myself a gay sea-dog,
A rip, a most notorious flier,
And roughly sketched a lurid log
Which would, in detail, petrify her ; —
Uufit to wed, I needs must face
A prospect relatively gloomy,
And begged of her this heavenly grace,
To play the part of sister to me.
Brave soul ! She swore to be my wife !
But I protested, hard as granite,
I could not, would not, " spoil her life."
So ended my affair with JANET ! 0. S.
THE PREVAILING MUSICAL DEPRESSION.
(Interview with Mr. Eiidymion Gules.)
PERSISTENT reports having reached him of the extraordinarily
depressed condition of the concert market, Mi: Punch recently
arranged for one of his most trusted representatives to inter-
view Mr. ENDYMION GULES, the famous agent, with a view to
ascertaining the cause of this deplorable state of affairs.
" Yes," observed the great impresario, " the reports you
speak of are only too true. This has been the worst season
for professional musicians that I have ever known. There
has been no falling off in the importation of foreign cele-
brities, but most of them have been obliged to work their
passages home. One Albanian baritone, a gentleman with a
magnificent voice, has accepted a situation as a chauffeur ;
and a Bohemian violinist, a favourite pupil of SEVCIK, the
:imous Prague master, is now engaged as a caddie at Woking."
" Can you indicate any specific reason for this strange lack
>f appreciation on the part of the British public? "
"Certainly. First and foremost I should be inclined to
note the passion for precocity. Nowadays no performer of
over ten years of age has any chance of making a decent
living by music. The prodigies have all done well some
marvellously well. Little BOLESLAS BILGER bought a gold bath
last week, and has rented one of the largest deer forests in
Inverness-shire. VINOLIA VICHY celebrated her seventh birth-
day by the purchase of a diamond tiara and a turbine yacht.
A'ITILA BLUM has started a racing stable."
" But surely there must be other causes at work ? "
"I was just coining to that. The fact is, as my colleague
Mr. VERT recently remarked in the Westminster Gazette, that
the public is not just now in a musical mood. People are
preoccupied by a multiplicity of other distractions. In
particular I ascribe the decline of interest in music to the
fashion for experiments in diet, and the crusade against over-
eating. The strain of listening attentively to a concert of two
hours' duration is impossible to persons who are inadequately
nourished. You cannot appreciate WAGNER on a diet of nut
cutlets, or enjoy STRAUSS on barley water."
"Then you hold that there is a close relation between
music and meals ? "
" Unquestionably. No great singer was ever a vegetarian
and what is true of performers is true of audiences. Bui
this fad will pass. I am sure that the sanity of the British
public will reassert itself, and that- we shall before long
witness the inspiring spectacle of earnest musicians singing
and playing before full houses of properly nourished amateurs. ' '
"I see that Mr. VERT speaks of a spirit of flippancy \vliicl
is now abroad, and which has militated against the chances
of serious musicians."
" Well, there may be something in that, too. STRACSS ha>
undoubtedly suffered from the competition of SOUSA
' Hiawatha ' is at the moment more popular than HAYDN, am
SCHUBERT'S songs excite less enthusiasm than the Schenectadv
putter. Still, I think we may count on the swing of the
pendulum. But the immediate prospect is gloomy, ant
though not an extreme politician I should certainly suppor
legislation prohibiting infant prodigies from pocketing more
than £5,000 in one season, the surplus to be divided amongs
their meritorious colleagues of riper years."
ITXril, Oil TilK LONDOtt CHARlVAttt— Atotst 3, I'.Mtl.
ON HIS HOBBY.
KIHST A.;i!icri.iriiisT ((o SETOND DITTO). "THAT AIN'T A REAL 'OSS! WHY, I CAN SEE HIS BOOTS!"
[Mr. C'h-nib-rl-n addresses a large agricultural audience iu the Riding School at Welbeck Abbey, August 4.] ]
i 3, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
77
T1IK .MAKING OF FIRST-CLASS
MEN.
No apology is needed for offering our
school- prospectus to the public in a
novel form. When a l>oy has seen oar
prospectus lie will want to sec "The
Pavilion,1' and when lie has seen " The
Pavilion" he will want to stay there.
Our desire is to produce practical
results, mid a Imy on leaving our estab-
lishment should be able at once to get
his own living. Nothing sounds more
difficult and is really so easy. Sporting
Pressmen of the day must not only be
brilliant athletes, but also masters of
the best sporting journalese. Four
years at "The Pavilion" will equip
every boy most efficiently in both these
respects.
The Staff of " The Pavilion " consists
of H. W. DRIVER, Esq., C.B. (Cambridge
Blue), H. PITCHARD, Esq., F.C.S. (First
Class Swerver), K. A. GREEN, Esq.,
G.C.S.t. (Golf Champion of the South
of Ireland), assisted by innumerable
batsmen, bowlers, runners, jumpers,
rowing-men, and all kinds of athletes.
The Matron is Miss ROWENA WOODHEAD,
L.C.C. (Lady Croquet Champion).
No boys are admitted to "The
Pavilion " who have not been put down
for the M.C.C., and preference is given
to those who were entered at Lord's on
the day succeeding their birth.
Extras include luxuries such as
Classics, Mathematics, English History,
the French Language, and Stewed
Prunes.
One of the most attractive features of
" The Pavilion " is the teaching of the
New Slang Language. At infinite ex-
pense a distinguished Cricket Reporter
has been engaged, and will lecture on
Slang every week during the summer
term. This new language will be talked
during meals, and should any boy be
heard to speak English he will instantly
be sent to bat in the nets for an extra hour.
Every boy will have his own profes-
sional coach in addition to the numerous
stalT, and if he is detected amusing
himself with such things as Horace or
BnripidN during work-hours he will
be bowled at for ten minutes by our
excessively fast punislunent - bowler
(kept expressly for the purpose).
Entrance examinations will be held in
April, and it may be well to remind
candidates that Fielding and Bowling,
as \vell as Batting, will be taken into
account.
Literary subjects will include the
initials, ages, and averages of everyone
who has ever played first-class cricket.
Records of all kinds will be expected to
be known thoroughly.
Holiday Tasks will be exclusively
confined to standard authors, such as
MACLAREN. TYLDESLEY and JEPHSON.
A TRYING MOMENT.
Doris. "On, JACK,
COME THOSE SELLERBY Q1BLS !
YOU CAB PTOT."
Do SHOW THEM HOW BEACH FULLY
The whole school will be taken to
Lord's once during the term, so that
they may watch first-class cricket for
themselves, and write a report of it with
the purpose of comparing their style
with that of the most admired penmen
of the day. The prize report will be
dedicated — without permission — to Mr.
ANDREW LANG.
The Champion Cricketer of the school
will sleep in the "Ranji Room," the
Champion Wrestler in the "Hacken-
schmidt Room," and so on. Every boy
will have a separate room, and every
room will be made bright by coloured
portraits of celebrated athletes.
" The Pavilion " proposes to start two
farthing papers, to which the most
promising boys will, on leaving, be
attached.
Positions will be found for less bril-
liant boys 011 various half-penny papers,
and those who have shown no promise
at all must be content to write for the
ordinary penny press.
The school is divided into two Depart-
ments, corresponding to the Morning
and the. Evening Press, and we recom-
mend parents to discover promptly
which department their sons are best
fitted to enter. The style taught in our
Morning Department is not so crisp and
incisive as that which we teach in our
Evening Department.
Every boy on entering " The
Pavilion" must have twelve pairs of
flannel trousers, six pairs of football
knickerbockers, four bats, a football, a
sponge, and a portrait of HIRST.
The Motto of "The Pavilion" is, "H
at first you don't succeed, Fry, Fry, Fry
again."
FREE SPEECH.
OUTSIDE the railings of the grimy
ilmrchyard that stands at the cross-
roads is a spacious triangle of pave-
nent, furnished along its base with a
•ow of plant-pots, and along its two
>pen sides with a number of stumpy
posts of a clammy appearance, which
vould seem to serve no other purpose
han the support of a corresponding
lumber of human sphinxes usually to
je seen leaning against them in varying
ittitudes of despondent thirstiness. Here
nany a night I have watched the said
sphinxes sublimely ignoring the ener-
getic efforts of the elect of the neigh-
borhood to convert them into drier
saths by the aid of a harmonium. But
:o-night the crowd that has gathered
upon the spot lacks that air of listless
detachment noticeable in the preached-
to, and instead is packed tightly together,
each upturned face wearing that expres-
sion of impartial self-importance that
characterises the Briton who realises
that he is a free-born citizen with a
right (thank Heaven!) to direct the
government of his country. On arriving
at the outskirts I am approached by a
gentleman in a frock-coat, who, with a
beaming smile, hands me a printed bill
which bids me "Assemble in Walham
Grove at 3 P.M. on Saturday, and march
to Hyde Park accompanied by banners
and the Gas Workers' Brass Band."
Unfortunately I have an engagement for
that afternoon.
I pocket the hand-bill and turn my
attention to the meeting. Standing on
a chair in the middle addressing th
crowd is a perspiring gentleman in :
top hat. Behind him stands a little
group of supporters, one of whom holds
a banner inscribed with the words :
DOWN WITH THE
BREWERS' ENDOWMENT BILL!
I realise at once that the speaker is
far from having it all his own way
Wedged in the crowd a little distance
in front of me is a short broad
shouldered man, who evidently omittei
to shave himself last Sunday ; his bristlj
chin is thrust, forward resentfully a
from time to time he interrupts th
speaker with the same indignant. reitera
tion.
" I earn thirty bob a week, an' I giv
my ole woman a quid a week reg'lai
Comin' 'ere an' torkin' to us ! "
I can see that the speaker is uncon
fortably conscious that he has not beei
altogether as discreet as he might hav
been.
" Very well, very well," he answer
rapidly for the third or fourth time
with a patience that is plainly an effor
to him. "I think you misunderstoo
me. What the Government, I say,
their insolence propose to do —
" Quid a week I give 'er," repeats the
ristly man. "Go an' arsk 'er if yer
on't believe me."
"Propose to do," continues _ the
peaker, striving to disregard the inter-
uption, "is to take away from the local
ustices the power to refuse licenses —
Palm Avenue I live," puts in the
)ristly man. " Go an' arsk 'er."
And to give that power," persists
lie speaker, " to selected central courts,
n many cases ignorant —
"Arsk 'er ! " repeats the bristly man,
nidly, ignoring several protests from
lifferent parts of the crowd. " Quid a
veek I give 'er. Comin' 'ere a-bringin'
ccusations. Twenty-three Palm Avenue.
t won't run away. Go an' arsk 'er ! '
At this a gentleman wearing an over-
:oat tied round his neck by the sleeves,
vho has just pushed his way to a place in
he crowd beside me, nudges me in an
icstasy, and with a remindful jerk of the
lead towards the interrupter observes,
' Ole BILI, ! " with a knowing chuckle.
The speaker raises his voice.
" What is this," he is saying, " but a
notation of the people's right of local
self-government ? What is this —
" Wot der yer give your ole woman,
[ shud like ter know ? " shouts the bristly
man. " 'Ow much der you keep fer
Deer-money ? "
'Im?" suddenly puts in my neigh-
Dour, scathingly.
'E don't need ter
give 'er nothin'. Look at 'im in 'is top
'at. 'E lives in Pawk Line !
" Yuss ! " cries the bristly man, with
elation. " Sits there an' drinks the
lothes orf of our backs. Then '«
ornes an' torks to MS. A bloomin
millionaire. Wot 's 'e done fer Fulham ? '
It is evident that a point has been
scored by the bristly man and his friend
There is something like a murmur ol
approbation in the crowd, who plainly
look to the speaker to clear his character
Fortunately he is alive to the situation.
" Gentlemen," he cries, " I am not a
rich man, as some of you would seem tc
think. I have to work for my living
the same as any of you."
Favourable reception of this by thi
crowd, who show signs of returning con
fidence.
" 'Im work fer 'is livin' ? " cries the
bristly man, sardonically. " 'E ain'
never done a day's work in 'is life."
Corroborative applause from m
neighbour, who refers the crowd con
clusively to the speaker's top hat.
" What is more," adds the speaker
loudly, " I am a Fulham man. I hav
lived in Fulham for years, and for year
I have been an honorary member of th
Fulham Football and Cricket Clubs ! "
Tremendous acclamation from th
crowd, their confidence thoroughly re
stored by this convincing proof
political integrity. Desperate interrup
ions from the bristly man and my
.eighbour drowned by cries of " Shut
.p, carn't yer ! " and " Corl that givin'
ree speech ? "
The speaker, emboldened by success,
esolves to deal personally with his
nterrupter.
" Look here, my friend," he observes,
we 're having a great many interrup-
ions from you. I don't know whether
ou 're paid for this."
, "I'm paid thirty bob a week," re-
urns the bristly man, " an' I give my
wife—
" Yes-yes-yes," breaks in the speaker,
' we 've heard a good deal about your
hirty bob a week. Now what are you,
nay I ask?"
"I'm a beer-drinker," responds the
ther promptly.
"'Ear, 'ear!" interposes my neigh-
)our enthusiastically. " Ole BILL ! "
" You 're a working man, I take it,"
persists the speaker. "Now do you
nean to tell me you 're a supporter of
,he Licensing Bill ? "
" I 'm a supporter of a femily," retorts
the bristly man.
" Very well," perseveres the speaker,
' and do you mean —
"And I'm a supporter of public-
ouses," suddenly adds his opponent — a
statement to which I for one am ready
to attach the utmost credence. " I ain't
no bloomin' millionaire. I don't live in
Pawk Line. Anyone wot sez I do
tellin' a lie. I don't go abaht in 110 top
'ats with whiskers a-bringin' no accusa-
tions agenst the workin' man. I 'm a
Fulham man an' I know wot Fulham
wants. I 'm a beer-drinker."
My neighbour with the overcoat is
enthusiastic about this able statement oi
policy. The crowd is once more divided
in', its sympathies. The speaker wisely
abandons his attempt to deal personally
with his opponent.
" Gentlemen," he appeals, " I an
doing my best in spite of these inter-
ruptions—
" Nar you 'ave it," suddenly resumes
the bristly man. " A beer-drinker—
I 've 'ad enough o' this 'ere. I 'm orf,'
and he begins to • push his way out o:
the crowd.
" I 'in very glad to hear it," th<
speaker is indiscreet enough to remark.
The bristly man turns sharply round.
" Don't you worry, ole man," he cries
" I 'm comin' back agine. I 'm onlj
goin' fer arf a pint," and he pushes or
until he reaches the outskirts. There
he turns once more.
"After this "ere," he shouts resent
fully, " I 'm - — d if I give my ole
woman another cent ! "
" 'Ere, wait a minute, BILL ! " sud
denly shouts my neighbour. " I 'n
comin' ! " and txirns towards th
speaker.
An;rs-r •'!, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
79
y
W?^
v -**
"AND WITCH THE WORLD WITH NOBLE HORSEMANSHIP."
Natural History Note.— THE OBIQIN, EVOLUTION, AND FULL DEVELOPMENT OF THE "NIGGER" SEAT.
" Lot o' blwmin' Tories," he observes
with elaborate disgust.
"Tories!" cries one of the crowd.
" Woddyer torkin' abaht? We ain't
Tories."
" Ain't Tories ! " repeats my be-
wildered neighbour. " Wot 's the game !
'E 's a Tory, aint 'e ? "
" Corse 'e ain't," cries another.
" Ain't you 'eard wot 'e 's bin sayin' ?
']'] 's a lledicul."
My astounded neighbour gazes about
him in a dazed sort of way. Suddenly
ho swings round.
" 'Ere, BILL ! " he shouts. " They ain't
Tories at all ! They 're Rediculs ! "
The bristly man has reached the
public-house opposite. For a moment
he pauses.
"Then I'm d if I don't change
my bloomin' party ! " he shouts resource-
fully, and disappears into the public
bar.
The speaker has resumed his oration,
tliis time without interruption. I turn
and make my way out of the crowd,
encountering my late neighbour on the
outskirts making arrangements with the
gentleman of the handbills for joining
the Protest Procession on Saturday.
TELEPATHY DAY BY DAY.
THIS is an imitative age, and Mr.
HIDKR HAGOARD'S success as a dreamer
has naturally produced a crop of similar
experiences among his fellow-novelists.
A selection is printed below : —
SIR A. CONAN DOYLE.
Perhaps you will think with me that
the following circumstances are worthy
of record, if only for their scientific
interest. It is principally because of
this interest that, as such stories should
not be told anonymously, after some
hesitation I have made up my mind to
publish this one over my own name,
although I am well aware that by so
doing I may expose myself to a certain
amount of ridicule and disbelief.
On the night of Saturday, July 23,
I went to bed at 12.19 and immediately
fell asleep. At 3.14 I awoke with the
feeling that my favourite terrier Joe was
trying to communicate with me. Having
read Mr. RIDER HAGGARD'S recent letter
in the Times, long though it was, I
knew what to do, and, summoning my
household, we at once set out for the
nearest point on the South Western Rail-
way where the line crosses water. We
searched there and in other places, even
as far afield as the Freiisham Ponds, all
day, but without success. At nightfall
we returned home crestfallen and heart-
heavy, only to find that Joe had been
in his kennel all the time. Naturally
we had not thought to look there before.
This shows how unwise it would be to
elevate Mr. RIDER HAGGARD'S fantastic:,
and, if I may express the opinion, some-
what tedious, experience to the dignity
of a precedent.
I will only add that I ask you to
publish the annexed documents with
this letter, as they constitute the written
testimony at present available to the
accuracy of what I state.
Undershaw, Hind Head, July 26.
No. I.
Haslcmcre, July 25.
DEAR Sin, — In pursuance of your in-
structions I have inspected tlia dog
found in his kennel at Undershaw.
He is in good health and has had
distemper.
I believe that the cause of his presence
in the kennel is that he was affixed to a
strong chain. (Signed)
HENRY DE WKT, M.R.C.V.S.
1\(J. 11-
1 spent the whole of Sunday Julj '24
OHIK
spen
in tramping over Surrey with Sir
DOYLE looking for a dead dog.
not find one. (Signed)
WILLIAM POTTS (Gardner).
NO. m.
Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE has told me
his dream several times with the utmost
particularity and has never altered
syllable Upon it I constructed several
theories, none of which, however, could
be thoroughly tested owing to the pres-
ence of the dog alive in his kennel.
(Signed) SHERLOCK HOLMES.
have not space 10 give, u ^ ^C^K—
they came to this: "My dear HOWELLS,
I feel convinced that a motor-car is
nearing the house." It certainly was
so A motor car was toiling up Mer-
maid Street as he spoke, and in a tew
moments a party of excursionists were
knocking at the door and asking to be
allowed to see the Master's laboratory.
(Signed) W. D. HOWELLS.
MR. HALT, CAINE.
Mr HALL CAINE, the famous novelist
uid Manx legislator, does not himselt
MR. HENRY JAMES.
It was I think, on the night of that
day which may be said in a sense to
terminate the week, coming as it does,
in a word, between Friday and Sunday,
that I experienced, if that is not too
strong a term, or shall I rather say
underwent, a very rum sensation, not,
I think, distantly connected with that
elusive chain of intelligential communi-
cation to which the hideous but expres-
sive word telepathy has been in a
manner affixed. I was not exactly
sleeping, nor was I, strictly speaking,
awake, my state being perhaps most
accurately expressed as dozing, when
the consciousness of a pretty stiff cala-
mity was projected in more or less
vague fashion upon my sensonum.
were impossible in the present state of
poverty of oxir language in the matter of
exact terms to describe with any degree
of vividness the constituents of this
vision, or as it were ghostly visitation,
but the sound of barking as of a fox
terrier, or even miniature spaniel, was
insistent, while among other component
parts may be mentioned a sound resem-
bling an owl's hoot, or the horn of a
motor-car, not necessarily a Mercedes or
even a De Dietrich, but certainly a car
of one or other make. The accompany-
ing testimonies will prove how extra-
ordinarily true was this weird harbinger
of coming evil.
Lamb House, Eye, July 26.
i No. I.
Lamb House, Eye, July 25.
Last Saturday afternoon, while my
master, Mr. JAMES, was taking a nap
after lunch, a motor-car stopped at the
house, followed by some barking dogs.
This I can swear to, for I remarked
upon it to Cook. The party knocked
and rang and asked to be shown the
room where Mr. JAMES writes his brilliant
novelettes. (Signed) MARY LITTLE
(Housemaid}.
No. II.
Lamb House, Eye, July 25.
I have rarely seen my friend JAMES so
excited as he was on awaking from his
A COSTLY LAW-SUIT.
record the very curious nocturnal ex-
perience of which he was recently the
victim, but encloses, with a certificate of
accuracy, the following account by an
intimate friend : —
I was a guest at Greeba Castle on the
night of the 26th. On the following
morning my host came in to breakfast
in a visibly perturbed state. He was
far less like SHAKSPEARE than usual : in
fact, I hardly knew him. " What is it,
HALL? " I asked (I call him HALL) ; and
then he told me his dream. In the
middle of the night, he said, he had
awakened suddenly in great pain and
surprise, convinced that his supremacy
was being or about to be again attacked.
uncomfortable
aiiu u1B,1Co— s. He groaned aloud, so
loudly that his semi-detached neighbours
hammered at the partition wall of the
Castle to cause him to desist. He could
sleep no more.
Later in the day the London paper
arrived, and we saw in Messrs. METHUEN'S
advertisement the title of Miss CORELLI'S
forthcoming romance, " God's Good Man.
It must have been exactly at the time of
HALL'S nightmare that the compositors
were setting the dread announcement.
(Signed) A. P. WATT.
GOSSIP FROM THE LINKS.
By Johnny L. Hutchings.
I HAVE recently spent a week on the
Culbin Sands Links, about 10 miles
from Nairn, a course of such unprece-
dented and peculiar texture and character
that it has caused me to revise, if not actu-
ally to revolutionise, a great many of my
views on the subject of driving, ap-
proaching and putting. The Culbin
Sands, as readers of St. John's Wild
Sports of the Highlands are well aware,
lie between the 'fertile plains of Moray
and the shores of the Moray Firth, and
consist of a stretch of sandhills, in
most parts formed of pure and very
fine yellowish sand, without a blade of
vegetation of any description, and con-
stantly shifting and changing their
shape and appearance on the recurrence
of continued dry winds.
Westwards, towards Nairn, the sand-
hills are interrupted by an extent of
broken hillocks, covered with the deepest
heather imaginable, which conceals in-
numerable pits and holes, many of the
latter not above a foot in diameter, but
three or four feet deep, and so completely
concealed by the growth of moss and
heather as to form the most perfect
traps for golf balls and golfers that
were ever devised. Throughout the
whole tract of this wild ground there
are large numbers of foxes, which grow
to a great size, feeding during the season
on young roe, wild ducks and black
game, and when these fail they make
great havoc amongst the Springvale
Hawks, Kempshall' Aldingtons, and other
rubber-covered denizens of the adjoining
country.
No greens being available and the
links being of the nature of one con-
tinuous hazard, an entirely new phase
of the game lias been evolved by the
ingenuity of the residents, amongst whom
the palm must be awarded to ARCHIE
McLuifKiN, the local professional and
keeper of the bunkers, under whose
auspices I have been instructed in the
niceties of the Culbin game.
Si # » * *
Perhaps the best idea of the novelty
of the game may be gained from the
AUGUST 3, 1904.J
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
81
statement that not a single club o:
normal pattern is of the slightest use nn
the Culbin Links. .Mi LntKix's clubs
are not merely unlike any that I have
ever set eyes on in England or America
but they have special names of their
own. For striking off from the tee In
employs a weapon called a mid-hilger.
with an enormously long shaft and a
head resembling that, of a niblick, a-
the tees, like most, of the course, consist
of extremely fine and loose sand. For
playing through the green if such a
term can be used I mploys a waffle.
a club with a very " whippy " shaft and
a soft, rather spongy head, made of
compressed seaweed with a leaden lace.
With a gale of wind behind him, he can
sometimes hit the ball with the waffle
about sixty or seventy yards, but 1
never succeeded in sending it more than
about half that distance. For approach-
ing he generally uses the sclalTy, a short
iron club with a head shaped rather
like a seltzer-water bottle, but when the
ball is barely visible he takes his delver,
which resembles the spade used in
cutting peats, and literally shovels the
ball out of its lair.
• • ' * • a
As in no circumstances whatever does
the ball run more than three or four
inches, putting is impossible, and the
place of the hole is taken by a stick, as
in croquet. But I have omitted to
mention the most characteristic of all
the Culbin clubs — that employed in
extricating the ball from the deep pits
in the heather described in my first
paragraph. For this, McLuRKiN, who is
a bit of a mechanic, has devised an
implement which he calls the diver,
which is nothing else than an air-pump
by means of which he is able to blow
the ball out of a hole four feet deep.
The rules for the use of the diver, or
flimp, as the caddies call it, are rather
complicated, but it may suffice to say
that the player is allowed to blow once
without loss. I have also omitted to
mention that, in order to prevent the
player sinking in the sand, he is obliged
to don footgear somewhat resembling
the ski of the Norwegians. Altogether
it is a most fascinating, if somewhat
fatiguing game, and as a means of
obtaining a mastery of the short duffing
shot 1 know nothing to equal it.
a & a a a
But there are other advantages con-
nected with the Culbin game which it
would not be right to overlook. The
complete absence of turf renders it im-
possible for even the worst player to do
the slightest damage to the course.
There is never any need to replace
divots, because divots do not exist.
Again, the game being entirely a ques-
tion of "carry" and not "run," the
burning question of stymies is practi-
J/iss Gladys Pert. " I PASSED YOU TWICE YESTERDAY, AND YOU WOULD NOT LOOK AT ME."
Jones (who has recently been a grass widower). " A THOUSAND PARDONS ! BIT PLEASE TELL
MY WlFE WHAT YOU HAVE TOLD ME. SHE IS HERE."
cally eliminated. The greens are never
:oo keen or fiery, and owing to the prac-
tically limitless extent of the Culbin
sand-hills — estimated at about 25 square
miles — there is not the slightest risk of
he course needing a rest : in fact, the
greater the drought the more interesting
the condition of the links. A low
score, however, is impossible at all times.
LuiiKiN's record is 253, and I am free
to confess that my first round took me
something over 700 strokes.
* Si fit a &
McLuRKiN is very anxious that the
lext Open Championship meeting should
3e held on the Culbin Sands Links, but
he leading professionals whom I have
•onsulted are by no means favourable
o the proposed. Indeed ANDREW"
KIRKALDY waxed positively lyrical in his
indignation. " We 're not Arabians,"
•he' said, in that picturesque style for
which he is so justly celebrated, " to go
smothering ourselves in that blooming
Sahara just to please McLuRKix," and
Old TOM cordially endorsed his view.
Still, from a geological and psychological
point of view, there is a good deal to be
said in favour of the change of venue,
and I may perhaps recur to the subject
in the near future. Next week, how-
ever, I must devote the space at my
disposal to the more urgent question of
the use of sedatives, and in particular of
phenacetin, in match - play on links
where the air is over-stimulating, and
so calculated to disturb the nerves of
the highly strung golfer.
PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHABIVAR
THE COMFORTER.
"I SAY, OLD MAN, I'VE JUST BEEN DOWN IN THE SALOON, AND THEY GIVE YOU THE FINEST HALF-CROWN Lracn I 'VE EVER STOCK ! "
CHARIVARIA.
RECENT events in the Red Sea and else-
where tend to show that, had the Japanese
only been unarmed, the Russians would
probably have beaten them.
The Malacca crisis was sharp and
short. It was all over before Sir HENRY
CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN could discover on
what ground he should oppose the
Government's action.
The movements of the Russian Volun-
teer Fleet have, we hear, caused con-
siderable excitement in the British
Volunteer Fleet, H.M.S. liuzzarfl.
Mr. BRODRICK, we tmderstand, is oi
the opinion that- the Russians have
merely postponed declaring war against
us, until the new Army Reform scheme
is adopted.
A well-known New York business man
has wagered £4000 to £2000 that Presi-
dent ROOSEVELT will win in the coming
election. President ROOSEVELT, while
appreciating the compliment, is said to
feel keenly the added responsibility.
Many of the Bishops are of opinion
that one reason why people will not go
to church is the poorness of the sermons,
and instructions are to be issued at once
to the clergy to be more clever.
On one of the most scorching days
of July, a defendant at the Shoreditch
County Court explained to the Judge
that he was a baked potato-merchant.
If proof were required of the increas-
ing number of foreigners visiting Lon-
don it is furnished by the fact that
there were more visitors to the British
Museum last year than ever before.
A motor-car conveying JOHN TRDNDLEY,
of Peckham, from Lowestoft to Yar-
mouth caught fire last week. We
understand that, although a little of
him was burnt away, lie is still the
fattest boy on earth.
A French collector of stamp duties,
living in sunny Provence, has been dis-
missed for wearing only a wine-barrel
filled with water while transacting his
official business.
In a bull and tiger fight at San
Sebastian the combatants broke from
their cage, and twenty spectators were
shot in an attempt to despatch
the animals. It is thought that this
cruel form of sport will now be for-
bidden.
Sir EDWARD CLARKE has declared that
for success at the Bar there are three
requirements — that the aspirant should
be ambitious, have very little money,
and be deeply in love. Much pain has
been caused among certain wives of
poor and ambitious barristers by this
implication that they are blocking their
husbands' way to success.
The newspaper which, in an account
of a recent interesting ceremony at
Buckingham Palace, referred to the fact
that no less than 1400 " neatly unin-
formed nurses " were present, owes an
apology to a hard-worked profession.
"Be thorough," is the Prince of
WALES'S latest message, and a Fifeshire
man has not only stolen some flowers
from a grave, but won a prize with them
at a flower-show.
I
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CH.MMVARI.--Au«uaT 3, 1904.
BANK HOLIDAY AT WESTMINSTER.
[Monday, August 1, Sir II. C-MPB-I.I.-B-NN-IIM-S moved vote of censure on the Government.]
AUGUST 3, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIARIVAIM.
85
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
KXTR.MTKM HiuM UN: IMU1V of TuliY, M.I'.
MORE ERRATIC DRIVING.
• P.-C. John null. " What, you at it again, Sir ! ? I must trouble you for your address."
.1/r. Balfour. "My good man, how many more times am I to tell you that we are only "the owners, and know nothing about anything!
We 've dismissed one chauffeur to please you ; the new one's name is Arn-ld-F-rst-r ; you can do whatever you like to him. I '11 give you
iny address at the General Election. Not before ! "
(Lord 1,-nsd-wne disclaimed Cabinet responsibility for Mr. Arn-ld-F-rst-r's scheme.)
House of Commons, Monday, July 25.
—Hie Silence of Dean Maitland was
finally, if not satisfactorily, explained in
a dramatic scene. The silence of ST.
JOHN BRODRICK kept Mr. LOUGH awake
through a summer night. It fell on
Saturday night at an Oddfellows Dinner
at Farnham. The oddest fellow of the
lot turned out to be the ex-Secretary of
Si at i • for War. Invited to respond to
the toast of His Majesty's Forces, he
positively declined. The very terms of
his refusal aggravated the situation. It
was not on account of ignorance, nor lack
of varied experience in the art of the
science of war.
"I have," he proudly said, "served in
the Volunteers and Militia. I am
honorary Colonel of a Yeomanry regiment.
I have been Secretary of Stale for War.
At this moment I am assisting to control
a large army in India. Still I am not
competent to respond to tins toast."
A profound hush fell over the Odd-
tellows; there was something more in
this than met the eye. In the subdued
excitement that followed, the toast, duly
proposed, remained unacknowledged.
His Majesty's Forces marched out of
sight with noiseless footfall, spectral
banners, skeleton forms, as if they were
all comprehended in the Six Army Corps.
Why was this? Mr. LOUGH asked him-
self. What mystery lurks beneath this
rare reticence? As a rule BRODBICK
ready enough to speak in Commons and
elsewhere. A man of war, capable of
setting a squadron in the field — that is,
of course, given the squadron not
unfamiliar with the wearing of the khaki,
accustomed on visiting Mediterranean
stations to be saluted by the sympathetic
cannon, why should he in the large
leisure of a Saturday night, in the eon
genial society of the Farnham Oddfellows,
pointedly decline to answer for the Army ?
Mr. LOUGH'S Sunday morning bus-
drive to the Angel, Islington, a sort of
processional approach to his constituency,
his morning service, his afternoon tea,
acrid with the taint of increased taxa-
tion, his slumber through the sultry
night, all disturbed by this Farnham
mystery. Above all things a practical
man. If he requires information in a
general way he asks a policeman. In
this particular case obviously the man
to ask — and his action would have been
equally direct had he been acquainted
with the late Dean Maitland — is the
person whose silence had stirred to pro-
foundest depths thecuriosity of the nation.
Accordingly, when House met to-day
LOUGH put the Secretary of State for
India to the rack.
"Don't answer," cried the Minis-
terialists, at same time leaning forward
with keenest interest to hear explana-
tion. Turned out to be not nearly so
dramatic as was the termination of the
Silence that for years brooded over Dean
.
The warrior who was expected to reply-
to the toast of His Majesty's Forces at
the Farnham banquet not turning up at
parade, BRODRICK was invited to take his
place. But true greatness is ever
modest ; valour that in the deadly
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 3, 1904.
DE. CLAUDE HAK'S DIAGNOSIS.
"Poor fellow ! It's as clear a case of — shall we say ' Beri-beri ' as I ever saw in my life ;
the swelling is most marked. Strict isolation is simply imperative."
(The Hon. Cl-de H-y and Mr. W-nst-n Ch-rch-11.)
breach would die with its face to the
foe timidly turns its back on flattering
advances made in social life. There
was in the room an officer who had
served in the South African War. With
all his proud record, his catalogue of
warlike posts and proclivities which,
recited in the ears of the Oddfellows,
sounded like a passage from the cata-
logue of the ships in HOMER, ST. JOHN
BRODRICK felt that in presence of this
bronzed warrior he should take a second
place, and humbly insisted on doing so.
House applauded this characteristic
ebullition of modesty. All the same it
felt that a great opportunity had been
lost. Only the other day the Silent
SINJOHN sat on the Treasury Bench whilst
AiiNOLD-FoRSTER, with fraternal pat on
the shoulders, told him he was an honest
well-meaning fellow, but had made a
terrible mess of things at the War Office.
A.-F. had arrived at Pall Mall just in
time to prevent national catastrophe
following on the tumbling of the house
of cards his predecessor had built on
the foundation of a phantom congeries
of Army Corps. What the House would
like to hear is ST. JOHK BRODRICK'S plain
view of ARNOLD-FORSTER'S remodelling
of an army system that, amid a blare of
trumpets, was recast only four years ago.
This Oddfellows' Saturday night pre-
sented a convenient standpoint for re-
viewing the position. Seems a pity that
from too sensitive consideration for the
feelings of an anonymous officer who
had served in the South African War
opportunity was scouted.
Business done. — Report stage of Bud-
get Bill.
Tuesday. — Affecting scene took place
this evening in Committee Room No. 10.
Among those who last week sat the night
out and the day in was SPENCER CHARRING-
TON, Member for Mile End. Nothing re-
markable in that, as at least nine score
other loyal Ministerialists sacrificed do-
mestic comfort on the altar of duty.
Mark of distinction about CHARRINGTON
is that he is in age almost a nonagenarian.
All very well for striplings like JAMES
FERGUSSON and HARRY CHAPLIN to hear
the chimes at midnight and after. But
when it comes to having been born
three jfars after Waterloo, having in
the course of the last four years twice
seen the British Army reformed from
the boots upward, and then remaining
in your place from two o'clock on a
Tuesday afternoon till twenty minutes
to four on a Wednesday — this is, as they
say at Boulogne, quite another pair of
sleeves.
178 all-nighters so pleased with
CHARRINGTON'S pluck, which in a way
sheds lustre upon younger and more
obscure sharers of his vigil, they put
their half-crowns together and bought
him a silver bowl. PRINCE ARTHUR,
I shrewdly perceiving opportunity pre-
i sented of enforcing iiseful lesson, readily
I consented to present it.
" G'est pour encourager les attires" he
whispered to himself, as he handed the
bowl to the veteran Member.
Aloud he said some graceful things to
the recipient of the prize, concluding
with expression of the hope that he
might live many years to sit up all night
in his country's cause. CHARRINGTON
affected to tears, for which the bowl
came in handy. Not to (be outdone in
generosity he offered to fill it othenvise
with CHARRINGTON'S Entire. PRINCE
ARTHUR, however, wasn't taking any, and
the aged brewer withdrew with the bowl
under his arm.
The PINK 'UN calculates that the
incident will be worth at least a score
more men at the next all-night sitting.
Business done. — Report stage of
Licensing Bill carried by closure.
Friday night. — What is and what is
not Parliamentary language is a Study
of Words that would have interested
the late Dean TRENCH. Occasionally a
Member is pulled up for the use of a
phrase which by comparison is com-
paratively innocent, whereas others may
with impunity use homely Saxon of
unmistakable personal bearing. In
O'CONNELL'S time question arose as to
whether an accusation of " beastly
bellowing " might, within the limits of
Parliamentary order, be brought against
a Member. JOSEPH HUME was with im-
punity denounced in the House as a
humbug. Doubtless with these prece-
dents in his mind, the Chairman of Ways
and Means, appealed to by no less a
person than DON Josii to rule whether
WINSTON CHURCHILL was in order in
describing the policy of His Majesty's
Government in South Africa as hum-
bug, regretfully admitted it was not out
of order.
Doubt chiefly arises upon the use of
ordinary familiar terms of opprobrium.
Some are, some are not, parliamentary.
Much depends upon what the Chairman
ate at luncheon or dinner. CLAUDE HAY,
with daring originality, went far afield
and brought home a specimen that
nonplussed even the shrewd sagacious
occupant of the Chair.
" The lion. Member," CLAUDE re-
marked, addressing himself to the win-
some WINSTON, taking prominent part in a
little game of obstruction, " is suffering
from an attack of beri-beri."
House started in surprise. Was this
a statement of fact or a flight of fancy ?
Fathers of families, quickly turning to
regard Member for Oldham, wondered
whether in former case disease was infec-
tious. Amid general uncertainty not
wholly free from consternation a Member
relieved his mind by crying, " Order !
Order ! "
If CLAUDE HAY had remained unre-
sponsive he would have triumphed.
Whether beri-beri is or is not an un-
parliamentary word is a question
which, presented unawares at four o'clock
on a July morning, Mr. LOWTHER was
unwilling to decide. Certainly no one
could cite a precedent against the use
of the word on the" ground of its being
unparliamentary. Cries of " Order ! ",
accompanied by demand to " Withdraw ! "
insisted upon by Irish Members who
AwsT 3, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR TlfK LONDON CHAIM \.\lll.
87
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 3, 1904.
cannot abear anything even approaching
contumelious speech, filling the House,
CLAUDE HAY gave himself away.
" One of the symptoms of the disease,"
he explained, " is, I understand, the
development of a swelled head."
That did it. Beri-beri was incontro-
vertible by reason of its novelty and
the ambiguity of its application. To
accuse a Member of suffering from
"swelled head" was clearly unparlia-
mentary, and CLAUDE HAY was sharply
ruled out of order.
Business done. — Licensing Bill read a
third time and passed on to Lords.
TO EDINBURGH.
IN EXPIATION.
THOU dear and gracious Town, where I
Have sojourned for a fleeting spell,
The hour has come that bids me fly ;
EDINA, fare thee well !
Right heavy am I that we must part,
For lo, I know not where or when
I've met so — down, poor fluttering
heart ! —
And more agreeable men.
Forgive me that I spake in haste
Winged words that I would
forget ;
Thy welcome seemed in doubtful taste,
And I was very wet !
But rather hold his memory dear,
Whose sunny presence brought thee
forth
The finest weather of the year,
And wanned the watery North.
Now onward speeds the busy train,
0 hospitable town and kind,
Farewell ! Until I come again,
1 leave my heart behind. DuM-DuM.
fain
HOT WEATHER "CUPS."
A FEW ADDITIONAL RECIPES.
(To be used with discretion.)
HIC-CUP.
SEND for one quart of four-half, in a
tin can, from the nearest public-house
(Jug Department). Froth this into four
imperial pint pewter measures nearly
half full of double stout. Lace with
nutmeg, ginger, spirits of wine, benzine
and petrol to taste. Blow the head off,
take out an insurance policy, and drink
consecutively. This should produce the
desired result. If not, repeat the dose,
hold your breath and try to say " British
Constitution."
TEA CUP.
Obtain a china, earthenware, or silver
receptacle witli a spout and a handle
from any reliable warehouse, and see
that it has no cracks. Wann the same
with hot water for a few moments, and
then empty the fluid away, not of course
THE " PANAMA " OF THE FUTURE.
DIVINO-BELL PATTERN.
on the carpet, but in a basin for slops,
or a properly constructed sink, if such is
at hand. Take (but pay for) one tea-
spoonful of the best Ceylon or China
leaf for each person of the company and
one over. Place the leaves in the
receptacle, and infuse for four minutes
with water, which must be at a tempera-
ture of 212° Fahr. Serve hot in small
bowls with handles upon saucers ; add
milk and sugar as may be required. If
at a school treat or similar gathering, it
is better to boil in a copper and pour
the mixture from hot -water cans into
mugs. This recipe, which we can
thoroughly recommend, bids fair to
come into universal use as a means of
assuaging thirst. It cheers, but does
not inebriate.
OLIVER PUNCH.
This exhilarating summer drink may
be made from almost any weed, but the
most delicate nuances are extracted
from cliver, nettles and dandelions, all
of which may be gathered in the course
of a country ramble by those who are
not fortunate possessors of a back-gar-
den. Collect the herbs in a small basket,
taking care to grasp them (when neces-
sary) like a man of mettle, shake out
the dust, beetles, caterpillars and other
extraneous matters, and macerate with
an infusion of boiling water in a wash-
hand basin. Strain through a piece of
clean muslin into claret-jugs, and serve
cold. This will prove a most cooling
beverage, especially to chance visitors —
a single glassful has invariably been
found to be sufficient. It is also a most
invaluable deterrent in the nursery.
TOAST-AKD- WATER STINGO.
This romantic decoction is largely
used in theatrical circles, especially at
garden and river parties or picnics
upon the stage. It may be made in
almost any strength, according to the
blackness of the burnt bread employed,
or the state of the filter. The toast
should not be more than a fortnight old,
unless a mousseux and nnish roomy
flavour is desired. Bumpers of this may
be kept in ice-pails to add greater effect.
WAS SHAKSPE&RE A CEICKETER?
MR. PUNCH has noted with consider-
able interest the turmoil of public
opinion raised by the connection be-
tween cricket and literature, and it is
accordingly with some little pride that
he finds himself able to make an impor-
tant contribution to the discussion. The
attention of scholars haa long been
drawn to the passage in Macbeth in
which Lady Macbeth, talking in her
sleep, remarks with reference to the
murder which she and her husband
have committed :
" Out, damned spot ! out, I say ! — One, two ;
why, then 'tis time to do 't."
This sentence has always been a
stumbling-block to commentators be-
cause they have found it impossible to
believe that SHAKSPEARE was ignorant
of the well-known fact that the words
which a person may litter in his sleep
can afford no reliable clue to his past
actions. Obviously the passage has
become corrupt, but hitherto no satis-
factory emendation has been suggested.
By a great stroke of luck, the true read-
ing has come into Mr. Punch's hands.
It runs thus :—
Umpire. Out !
First Player. Damned sport !
Umpire. Out, I say !
[Exit First Player.
Second Player. One for two. Why
then 'tis time to do 't.
(Meaning of course that the rot must
be stopped.)
WE learn from The Guardian (a local
Cheshire paper) that " The Standing
Joint Committee have recognised the
courageous conduct of Constables HOL-
LAND and WILCOXON in stopping runaway
horses in Altrincham by presenting
them with gratuities." There is of
course a classical precedent for this
method of arresting runaways. MILANION
adopted it in his famous race with
ATALANTA, who was pulled up by a
gratuity in the form of golden apples.
A SORT of Red Sea heat-apoplexy,
complicated by stiff neck, seems to have
attacked the Russian Volunteer Fleet.
Frequent " seizures " are reported.
AUGDST 3, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
89
THE RECORD OF A SHORT HOLIDAY.
in.
SUM, lighting tlio flips, I farn forward. I do hope ray wife
is not becoming very frightened. Hope she won't leave the
and attempt to rejoin me. Then -we shall all be lost
in the forest. She will not find me: I shall have lost
In-r: and both will have lost the hags. Perhaps have to
pan our night in the forest. Then how about animals and
things'.'' Wolves, I believe, do not come down here till
winter. Thank goodness it's not the season for wolves.
No signs of human life ! Ha ! yes. at last two carts — I forget
what the word for "cart "is in French — but no horses, no
drivers. Yes, suddenly on my left, down another woodland
avenue, are approaching three men !
How welcome is their
appearance ! One of them is on a bicycle. All are English.
They seem astonished to see me here. Why? Have I
strayed very far from the right path? I ask them the way
to the Hotel du Touquet. "Straight along by that road,"
they say, pointing to one at right angles to where we are
si a IK I iiii,'. And they resume their route and are, in a second,
out of sight and out of hearing. Gone!
Leaving not a wrack behind.
Joy! Joy! I hurry on to the road.
Up drives a butcher — a French butcher,
of course— I stand in front of his horse
as if I were a foot-pad, and he pulls up
short at some risk to his own equilibrium.
In spite of this he is civil and obliging.
"Is the hotel near?" Yes it is, he
indicates with his whip — and sure
enough at the end of the wcxidland road
there I see, as it were in a steel en-
graving of an old story Ixxik, a corner
of one of the annexes that belong to the
hotel ! Then f ask the friendly butcher
will he kindly send some one from
the hotel into the forest to fetch our
bags ?
"Hags in the forest?" repeats the
butcher, astonished. The conversation
is carried on, of course, in French ; slow
Ynlilli. "HALF A-FOUN1) OF TEA, PLEASE."
left the four bags with Miidam his wife, how can we be
expected to find them?"
" We inn*!," 1 answer fiercely. Had I time T would adaj.t
to the occasion RICHELIEU'S line, "There's no such word as
fail!" But however perfect my translation of it might be
1 fear the sentiment would be lost on my companion. 1
hurry him along into the forest; I hope I am retracing mv
steps.
The flies in the evening — it is now just on nine are more
pestilent than they have been all day. They drjve me wild.
"Come on," I repeat to my obliging companion, and I dash
off frantically at the double. Suddenly, after proceeding at
a rapid and exhausting pace, fighting flies with pocket-
handkerchief, I pull up short, and, on looking round, I
exclaim in despair : —
" Confound it ! I Ve lost my way ! "
The civil little man, temporarily engaged in my service, is
more than ever, sympathetically, in despair.
"Which way is it?" he inquires, with tender politeness,
" to the place where Madame and the bags are left ? "
"That's exactly what I don't know," I return, much irri-
tated. "If I did know we should be
there by now ! "
The faithful dependant again throws
up his anna, surrendering, as it were,
to fates inexorable. He is perpetually
repeating this action as if he were
playing in a Greek Tragedy. I feel
inclined to say to him savagely, " l>on't
be a fool." But I must keep friends
with him, as he is my only hope. He
is depressed ; he makes no sign ; he
offers no suggestion. All lie does is
to take off his cap in order to wave
it about my head in a touching but
utterly futile attempt at warding off
the flies while I am talking to him, so
that I may keep up a clear and
Shopman. " WHAT COLOUR WILL YOU HAVE IT ?
BLACK OR GREEN?"
Yoi'Tu. " I DON'T
KNOW, BUT IT S FOB A
and sure on my part; rapid, and not quite intelligible to me,
on his.
" Yes, and there is a lady there," I continue and explain (so
as not to shock the butcher or leave him under an erroneous
impression), " c'est Madame ma femme."
" Ah ! " he cries. " Madame et les paquets " — and then he
is commencing to utter sympathy and condolences, when in
the distance I catch sight of a man in a blouse, who may
be the village fac.teur, a commissionnaire from the hotel, or
an ordinary /xnifiir. He is speaking to someone at the
entrance of this road quite close to the hotel, and not a couple
of hundred yards distant. I break off with the butcher,
who, wishing me good luck, drives on, and I commence to
shout and signal to I liomme ii la blouse. He sees me ; he
comes up; doffs his cap; he is a porteur ; and he is ready
and willing.
l!y the way. on referring to my watch I find that all this
has occupied me longer than 1 had imagined, and that it is
quite a quarter of an hour since I left my wife in the forest.
I don't like the idea : my wife, alone with four bags, in the
forest, and shades of evening closing round.
Then I say to my ally, "Come along! quick! there are
hags an
" Oil <;
"That's exactly what T don't know," I am unhappily
compelled to reply.
lie throws up his hands in despair.
" But," he says, " if Mister doesn't know where he has
a wife in the forest.
'
nected conversation without frequently
interpolated juramentos against les
mouches qui piquent.
The evening is drawing in. No wife,
no bags ! And now we are in the forest, ana I haven't tin-
slightest notion of the way by which I first entered or by
which I returned to the road.
Little man in blouse helpless, hopeless, wringing his hands.
" The forest is large and Madame and bags may be lost ! "
he wails, " but can 1 not tell him —
" How the deuce can I tell you anything when I don't
know it myself? " I interrupt, petulantly ; being goaded into
irritability by infernal flies.
" That is so, naturally," he replies quite humbly, " but
if Mister could have the goodness to indicate to him some
route the most probable —
" Attendez ! " I exclaim. Then, if he knows the forest, as
he professes to do, he will be able to tell me where to find
those two carts, as it was near that spot I left my wife.
" Je connais bien I'endroit oil j'ai laisse Madame aw li-x
quatre sacs" I begin ; " il est tout prcs d'un endroit, dans la
foret, oil il y a deux — deux " — and here I dry up; for to save
my life or find my wife, I can not remember the French
word I require for "carts," and if I use voitures that will
only put him on the wrong track. I, perpetually interrupting
myself to fight the flies, try to define to him the sort of thing
I mean; but it is difficult to act a cart; he endeavours
to assist me in ascertaining my own meaning, and thence-
forth we get entangled in such words as carriages, bicycles,
motors, traction engines, and every vehicle (in French) save
carts. Once more he throws up his eyes and hands, heaven-
wards, in utter despair. Giving up the explanation as,
90
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 3, 1904.
hopeless, I make another start and urge on our wild career,
plunging deeper and deeper into the forest.
"Que nous crions a haute mix," cries my man, as if sud-
denly inspired, and therewith he shouts "Madame! Madame!"
I join him. We both call at the very tip-top of our voices,
"Madame! Madame!" Then I have a solo and shout out
my wife's Christian name. Twice. We both listen anxiously.
Not a sound. Little man in blouse seems inclined to throw
up the quest and go home.
"If I could only find," I exclaim, becoming wildly
agitated, " where these two— not voitures — but — " I try the
word on him, " carts " — in English.
"Cartes!" he repeats in French, utterly astonished, as
well he might be, if he thinks I want him to produce a pack
of cards out here. He shakes his head; he is grieved, but
he cannot understand me. His puzzled look clearly says to
me, " Have the flies driven this Englishman mad ? " He
sighs : resumes his walk : trudges on a bit and then stops to
shout " Mada me! Madame!" But no answer comes.
Suddenly I remember. In my pocket-book is a little
travelling French phrase-book : it may have the very word I
want. If it has, it is a most wonderful exception to all
foreign phrase-books. Aha ! I take out the little book, and
begin searching in its pages. My peasant-porter respectfully
bares his head and stands cap in hand, under the evident
impression that I am reading some petitions for wayfarers
out of a pocket prayer-book.
Trouva! ! " Charrette " is the word. Does my friend know
a spot in the wood where there are two charrettes standing ?
Naturally he does. Without doubt. Perfectly. Is Madame
there? A la bonne heure! This way ! He becomes quite
sprightly witli joy. So with a turn to right and a turn to
left we hurry on. We arrive at the charrettes, and then
The place seems to have changed. I am just as much
puzzled as ever. " Voila, les charrettes" says my companion
triumphantly, " mais," he adds, staring about him vaguely,
" je ne vols pas Madame."
Nor do I ! ! Rhymes and old songs occur to me in my
despair. I find myself humming, " Oh, where and oh where
is my little wee wife " to the old tune of the Dutchman's
dog. This way madness lies. Then we both shout " Madame !
Madame! " No answer. The silence is awful.
We, my wife and I, had entered the wood, and trudged
along as ADAM and EVE out of Paradise ; now it is Orpheus
calling for Eurydice, with talented assistant vocally helping.
We call : we shout : we traverse the wood to right, to left,
iip the middle, down again, on to the high road, back again.
Shouting evermore. Shades of evening shadier and shadier
every minute. Flies becoming recklessly malicious before
retiring for the night. Of course, it is their supper-time. No
sign of anyone anywhere. One wife and four bags, utterly
disappeared ! Vanished ! Little man in blouse and self stand
and stare at one another hopelessly. Que faire !
(To be continued.)
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
THOSE who, in the enervating heat of the present summer,
require a stimulant for their literary appetite will find it in
Mr. G. W. APPLETON'S latest novel entitled The Mysterious
Miss Cass (JOHN LONG), a lady to whom the Baron begs to
introduce his trusting friends. It is tersely written ; curiosity
is immediately aroused and well sustained. There is but
one fault to be found with the construction, a fault absolutely
unaccountable when committed by a writer of such originality
as is the author of this novel. He imperils the success of the
story for the sake of a pineapple and an incident borrowed
from POE'S Murder in the, Rue Morgue. Fortunately this
weakness is at the finish, when the story being practically
over, such an explanation is unnecessary.
Motherhood (FISHER UNWIN) is announced as the work of
L. PARRY TRUSOOTT. The signature is one of those which
suggest the query of sex. In notices of earlier works the
author is alluded to as "Mr." My Baronite is disposed to
stake modest claim to acumen by declaring his belief that
the writer is a woman. There are some delicate, precise
touches in connection with mother and child that could be
imprinted only by a woman's hand. However that be,
Motherhood is a tale far beyond the average of novels of the
day. With a tendency to puerility in its opening scenes, as
it proceeds it deepens into the soundless depths of a woman's
love. As far as one recalls a long-reaching vista of novel
reading it breaks new ground in the way of plot. Mother-
hood in the particular form shown by Pauline is beyond the
record of absolute unselfishness. There are other skilfully
drawn characters in the book besides the heroine. In spite
of her sister Gertrude being commonly, with revolting
ingenuity, addressed and written of as " Ger," she is suffi-
ciently attractive to overcome the irritating blotch. Excel-
lently conceived, too, is her lover, the quaint Dr. Humphrey
Martin, and much skill is shown in the description and
development of the character of the wayward, selfish cause
of Pauline's troubles, Everard, infirm of purpose. Whether
the initial L in the author's name cover the name LUCY or
LAWRENCE, Motherhood will serve to establish a high reputation.
A Taste of Quality, by E. S. EORISON (JOHN LONG) is a
disjointed narrative with a thin thread of story running
through it. The author attempts to sustain whatever interest
he may have aroused at starting by a series of jerky dia-
logues carried on by the principals who, individually inte-
resting in themselves as characters, soon become hopeless
bores. The Skipper's work commences early in the volume.
English Sport, published by MACMILLAN & Co., whom the
Baron congratulates on the admirable get-up of the book, is
written by distinguished and experienced contributors, all
under the sympathetic editorship of ALFRED E. T. WATSON.
There must be very few among us, take what class of English-
men you will, whose attention is not to be arrested by some
chapter on Fox Hunting, on Wild Stag Hunting, on Harriers,
and records of all kinds of shooting, from pheasants to
such fierce wild fowl as African lions. There are contribu-
tions on Racing, Rowing, Polo, Steeplechasing, and in fact
on everything belonging to the domain of "Sport." Why
Motoring is included rather puzzles the Baron. Of course
Mr. HORACE HUTCHINSON writes breezily yet scientifically on
Golf; and Major BROADFUL ("retired ")" comes out of his
retirement to gossip pleasantly and instructively on Billiards.
This last-mentioned paper is excellently placed as a finish
to the bustle of the book. The reader has been galloping
on horseback in company with Lord WTILLOUGHBY DE BROKE
and Lady AUGUSTA FANE, has been wildly stag-hunting up hill,
down dale, over rocks and crags,
and into quagmires, with Viscount
EBRINGTON ; he has been shooting
and fishing with the Marquess
of GRANBY, flying falcons with
the Hon. GERALD LASCELLES (" fly-
ing kites" perhaps to keep him-
self going), so that he must indeed
be thankful to enjoy a quiet post-
prandial game of billiards with
the Major, " retired," before the
hour when both of them, civilian
and military, will be on the
retired list for the night. Thus
closes the book, which can be
taken up at any time and thoroughly enjoyed.
THE
BARON
DE
B.-W
AUGUST 10, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
91
TARIFF TALKS.
IN an article on " The Political Novel,"
a contemporary remarks that already
quite half-a-do/en Talcs have appeared
dealing re or less directly -with the
Fiscal Problem. These are hut the first
drops of the autumnal storm. 1'oth
the Tariff Reformers and Free Food
Leaguers have engaged favourite authors
to popularise their respect i\ e rieWB, and
Mr. 1'iiin'li is alile to append some spec!
incus from works shortly to be i-sned:
Sn/f///!1 /. fl'iilll "t'lll>tilill /'cc/.-'.s- I'irllir,"
h,, Mr. ir. \V. Jaeobt.
"... After a voyage like mine,
.Mrs. Illinois," said Captain I'KCK, sen-
tcntioiisly. as hi-, -lance wandered
round the comfortable parlour and
settled itself upon (lie fair face of Mrs.
]?[(]<;(;s' daughter, " it 's a pleasure to
sleep ashore again."
"Ami tlnit," remarked young llosh^v>
the coastguardaman, with frigid irony,
" that 's why you pay Mrs. l!itn;<;s for a
room. I s'posi'. when your boat—
"My nlii/1, young man," said Captain
PfcCK.
" Your ship is lying in the harbour,
and you might sleep aboard for nothing."
" Precisely," said the Captain, scowl-
ing at his questioner. "To-morrow,
Mrs. Hitioi.s. 1 hope you and your
daughter \vill come aboard and take
tea \vilh me. I've hroiight home a
few things I should like your opinion
nf tinned. To-morrow, and have a cup
o' tea with me; I'll show you the things
for certain."
.Mrs. PKH.I.S, however, declined the
invitation. Ten minutes on the water,
she said, fairly finished her up, and so
far from being able to put food inside
her it was, in a manner of speaking,
the other way about. That day they
sailed to lioriuouth, FLOSSIE would
remember.
FLOSSIE i/if/ remember, and cut the
reminiscence short. If the Captain
would not. mind, she suggested, would
he bring the tea ashore, and they could
picnic on the beach in Farley Cove?
The ( 'aptain could, and would. HOSKYNS.
not included in the invitation, left the
I. inn and went thoughtfully home. He
had felt fairly certain of gaining Miss
BRIGGS'S affection until this humbugging
Captain appeared, with his tal.
incredible adventures iii the South
Pacific. Sii then Fl.ossno had ex-
pressed her preference for "real sailors
that didn't only walk up and down the
cliff with telescopes." and the heart of
HosK'iNS was sad within him.
The picnic was a sin-cos, and Mrs.
BI;II;<..- did full justice to the ( 'aptain's
provisions — alxut the obtaining of
which he told Ver new and even more
wonderful tales. The party was just
AN IDYLL OF THE SEA.
thinking of moving, when HOSKYNS came
round a corner of the cliff.
" There are parties," observed Captain
PECK thoughtfully to the horizon, " that
must— actually must — put in their ugly
faces where they 're not wanted."
HOSKYNS ignored this graceful sally.
"A pleasant, afternoon you've had, and
lots of vittles— -all from foreign parts,
Cap'en?"
" Every bit," said PECK defiantly,
"every blessed bit. Fourteen cases of
tinned pine I got after that bust-up
with the Esquiwary Indians, and six
chests of chocolate were given me by the
chief — what did I say was his name,
Mrs. Hutca.s? It's clean slipped my
memory. Then there was —
" That '11 do for a start, Cap'en," said
the coastguardsman. who had hastily
been reckoning sums on a scrap of paper.
" The duty on these articles, under
Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S new tariff, is three
pound — fourteen- -and seven, which I'll
trouble j'ou to hand over."
" What ! " gasped the Captain. " D'yoti
mean to say —
"I do," "said Mr. HOSKYNS. "With
your remarkable long voyage, Cap'en,
you 've forgot how things be altered
since you was ashore last. Heavy duties
on every blessed thing nowadays ! Of
course, if you had happened to slip into
TRIMMEL'S shop about seven minutes to
ten this mornin' and bought them pine-
apples and stuff there, there wouldn't
he no call for you to pay duty; but they
being direct from lurrin' parts, you
see — -
" Exactly," said Captain PECK, with
some haste, " exactly. A — a word with
you aside, Mr. HOSK\NS."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 10, 1901.
WOMEN I HAVE NEVER MARRIED.
n.
How quickly these impressions wane !
I think— but would not like to swear-
It must have been the mise-en-scew
That drew me first to l)i ADAIK ;
For I have sampled many a view
Before and since, but never seen a
More likely spot for Love's debut—
Take it all round— than Taormma.
Sheer crags above, and, sheer below,
The shifting light on narrow seas ;
Southward the crater, crowned with snow.
That swallowed poor Empedocles ;
Ruins of Roman play-house walls
(Hellenic in their prime construction) ;—
'Twas there, in two adjacent stalls.
That we dispensed with introduction.
" 0 Isle of Greater Greece ! " I thought ;
" 0 famous Syracusan shore ! '
For memory moved me, strangely fraught
With little tags of classic lore ;
So that her air, full-blown and blonde
(My fancy being somewhat flighty)
Appeared to me to correspond
Strictly to that of Aphrodite.
And yet a goddess over-ripe
In the technique of Love his trade
Seemed an invidious anti-type
For so demure a British maid ;
Better that I should take the style
Of Ferdinand (wrecked off Girgenti ?)
Who found Miranda of the Isle,
A trusting girl of eight-and-twenty.
That lovely heroine's lot was cast
Remote from men ; and, much the same,
Dear Di, it seemed, had had no past,
But barely lived before I came.
'Twas well ! The warrior sort might choose
Rivals to rout in open action,
But I with my civilian views
Preferred to be the sole attraction.
What might have happed I won't enquire ;
For Fate that guards my guileless head
Summoned me home by instant \yire
Before the crucial word was said ;
And when, in London's giddier scenes,
Once more we met I nearly fainted
To find her not by any means
The lonely chicken I had painted.
I that was once so nice and near
Felt like a stranger far apart,
Wholly unread in that career
Which others seemed to know by heart ;
These were " her men " ; I heard her call
Their Christian names— TOM, DICK and HAIIIIY ;
Yet not a man among them all
Had thought her good enough to marry !
No shadow, so I heard, had crept
Across the lady's fair repute
Explaining what it was that kept
The voice of Matrimony mute ;
Her 'scutcheon bore no kind of blot ;
She had admirers brave and many,
But as to marriage— they were not,
In vulgar parlance, " tnkintr -mv "
anv.
Tis true they whispered here and there
Of one whom she declined to mate,
Who took to drink in pure despair,
And motored at a fearful rate ;
But, when I struck the rumour's track
And made a near investigation,
There was no evidence to back
Her partial mother's allegation.
Slowly and with reluctant pain
This doubt arose to give me pause :
Do girls of twenty-eifjld remain
Spinsters without a coyent cauxc .'
Why should I risk to bark my shin
Against the steps of Hymen's altar ;
Why, like a fool, rush madly in
Where wiser men preferred to falter ?
0. S.
THE WHITE RABBIT.
CHAPTER II.
Tlte White Rabbit's Character and Ins Rrlnlioiit: iritli Hob.
IF I frightened you very much by carrying you about in
nry mouth, and made you very untidy and rather damp, and
f you knew that 1 had fully intended to eat you, and had,
n fact, been prevented only by the opportune arrival of a
ittle girl — well, I don't think we should lie very good friends
'or the future. It was different, however, with the White
Babbit and Rob, the Labrador retriever. I am bound in
common honesty to point out all the defects of my hero, and
[ may as well tell you at once that the White Rabbit was a
most vain and conceited person. He never saw a girl of any
kind without being convinced she had fallen hopelessly in
bve with him :
"I really can't help it," he used to say; "I don't iry to
make them fall in love with me. I didn't make myself
beautiful: I was just born so, and anybody can see how I
struggle against it all. It 's hard lines on the girls, of
course, because I always have said I 'm not a marrying man,
but what 's a fellow to do when they absolutely won't leave
him any peace ? It 's all very well for you " — this remark
was addressed to Rob — " being only a black dog —
"I beg your pardon," said Rob, with a cold politeness,
you said ? "
" ' Being only a black dog ' was what I said, and of course
you are a black dog, yoii know, and you do bury your bones.
Oh, I don't blame you for it, my dear Sir ; it 's instinct or
inherited habit, or some nonsense of that kind, but, thank
Heaven, we 're free from it. Whoever saw a White Rabbit
burying a bone? The very idea is ridiculous."
" Why, you fluffy fool," said Rob, who didn't at all relish
these aspersions on dogs, " you long-eared fluffy fool, you
never get a bone given to you. All you get is cabbage or
lettuce leaves, or parsley, or a dish of bran."
"Perfectly true, my dear Sir," said the White Rabbit,
" perfectly true. I don't complain of my diet. I hope 1 'm
resigned ; but what I want you to understand is this : that
it isn't good table manners to bury a bone — you know you
always blush crimson and look hopelessly confused when
you're caught doing it — and that if they did give me a bone
I shouldn't bury it. I should put it away neatly in a corner,
that's all. But, of course, if you don't like the subject we '11
change it. I hope I know what 's due from me better than
to give pain to anybody by talking about what he doesn't
like. And if you don't like bones —
" You bounding blockhead," said Rob, thoroughly annoyed,
"who in the world said I didn't like bones?"
ITNCII, ol( TIIK LoXDoX ( 'HAKIVAKI. Aoocsi 10. 1904.
A DEEAM OF GEEEN FIELDS.
-M.:. PL-.NCH. "NOW, MISTRESS CHARITY, CAN'T WE MANAGE TO MAKE TIIK DKK\.M CoMK
TRUE -JUST FOR A FORTNIGHT?"
_LtLe Ch.ldnM.-a Country Holiday. Fund is in great need of assi.ta.ee. The Hon. Treasurer is tha Earl of A..AN. 18. DuckinK!.a,u St., W.O.]
AUGUST 10, 1901.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
95
• -'-<-? sv"-.
EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
Wife (to FitzJones, tcho, in tryinij to lay the cloth for the picnic on a windy day, lias (jot among the crockery).
DOING, ARCHIBALD ! "
'JUST LOOK WHAT YOU 'RE
" As a subject of conversation, I was about to add, only
you didn't give me time — but that's just like a dog. You 're
all too impetuous, much too impetuous, ever to succeed really
well in life. You should try a little repose, my dear Sir, you
really should."
"Repose be blowed," growled Rob ; "all I know is that
mi/ nose doesn't move five hundred to the minute, like some
noses I 've seen."
" But your tail does, silly ! "
" Oh, 1 can't stop here all day listening to your rubbish,"
said Hob, and off he went.
From this conversation it will be seen that, in spite of the
fiintirti'iiii>n which I related last week, the relations between
the While IJahbit and the Labrador were quite amicable.
I lie fact is that the Rabbit, being, as I have said, a
remarkably vain and conceited person, never got out of a
scrape by the help of others without becoming firmly
convinced, on reflection, that he owed his escape entirely to
his o\vn snrp:if.sin>,' ingenuity and courage.
"It 's extremely lucky for you," lie observed to liuli on the
following clay, " that 1 forced yon to drop me when I did."
" Why what on earth I'oulil yon have done?" asked Rob.
" Oh, I shouldn't have done very much, hut it would have
been most uncomfortable for you. T should first---let me
see what should I have done first? -Oh, yes, first I should
have bitten you through your ear, and then I should just
have scratched your eyes out. You 'd have been a blind
dog, my fine fellow ; and a blind dog 's a pretty useless kind
of animal, let me tell you, especially a blind dog with a
tattered ear."
" Well, you do take the, cake ! " was all Rob could say.
"But, mind," continued the White Rabbit, "I don't bear
you any grudge. I'm quite content to let bygones be
bygones. You can't help being a dog, and I suppose as
you are one you have to act like one. Only, I think it right
to warn you that if such a thing occurs again I shall have
to deal with it severely. I can't afford to let you off again,
my black friend."
You would have thought, after all this, that Rob wouldn't
have cared to associate with so absurd a person as the
White Rabbit; but, somehow or other, Rob couldn't keep
away from him. While the -Rabbit was hopping about on the
grass in his little enclosure Rob was now always shut up,
but when the Rabbit had been carried back to his hulch,
Rob was let out again, and away he tore straight to the bars
in front of the hutch and sat there gazing. " It 's because
I 'in so attractive," said the Rabbit to the piebald cat. " Poor
old Rob, we mustn't be too hard on him."
UNOOMMONSENSE. — A correspondent, writing to the .. ..„..
Mornir.g Neics on the public indifference towards the band
that plays on the Hoe at Plymouth, recently asked : " Where
! else can you hear the music and see the Sound?" Mr.
1 Pi(7)c/i believes he is right in saying that this effect is
without parallel, even in the clearest atmosphere.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 10, 1904.
MR. PUNCH'S SYMPOSIA.
XXI. — HOLIDAYS.
SCENE — Cook's, Ludgate Hill.
PRESENT.
iMdy Jeune (in the <'Iiai>'\
Mr.' A.. 7. Half our, M.I'.
Mr. Joseph Chamberlain, M.P.
Mr. St. John Ilmdrick, M.I'.
Mr. Will Crook*, M.I'.
.S'/'r Alfred Ilarmmcortlt.
Lady Jeune. At this most opportune
season, when liberty seems at last to be
within the reach of so many, we are met
to decide upon the most suitable holidays
to take.
Mr. Will Crofiltx. Margate.
Lndy Jeune. The most suitable for
all varieties of people.
Mr. Will Crooks. I said Margate.
Ijady Jeune. And in order that we
may be assisted a little in our arduous
discussion I have brought with me the
current number of the Ladies' Home
Magazine, in which the same subject is
canvassed by some of the most illustrious
of our contemporaries.
Mr. Witt Crooks. They can't beat
Margate, I "m sure.
Lady Jeune. I see, for example, that
a noted wig-maker prefers solitude. A
Devonshire cottage eight miles from the
nearest station is his choice.
Mr. Balfour. My choice would be a
Devonshire cottage eight miles from the
nearest wig-maker.
Mr. Chamberlain. Why take holidays?
[ want no holiday.
Mr. Brodrick. How will you spend the
:ime?
Mr. Chawiberlain. I intend to devote
part of it in a head-to-head visitation of
;he Oswestry district, to examine voters'
bumps.
Mr. Balfour. It is quite true. The
only way to rest is to change one's work.
t am beginning my vacation by presiding
over the Britisli Association at Cam-
bridge. After that, the links.
Mr. Crooks. And how will Mr. CHAM-
BERLAIN spend the remainder of his
vacation ?
Mr. Chamberlain. I have lately become
rather interested in the question of
•eforming our fiscal system. Probably
. shall be inquiring into that possibility
during the recess.
Mr. Brodrick. It sounds a dull sub-
ect. Have you been at it long ?
Lady Jeune. I see tliat Mr. WILLIAM
WHITELEV is in favour of the prettiest
spot in England, the best possible
veather and "the company of seven
'riends that I love the most."
Mr. Balfour. Very idyllic.
Mr. Chamberlain. A little exacting,
serhaps.
Mr. Brodrick. Why seven ? Why no
eight ?
Mr. Chamberlain. Has any man sevei
friends ?
Lady Jeune. Surely the allowance if
not excessive for a Universal Provider.
Mi: Brodrick. Yet what an odd num-
ber !
Mr. Bui four. And what is the prettiest
spot in England?
Mr. Crooks. Margate.
Lady Jeune. Anywhere but West-
lion rue Grove, probably.
Sir Alfred Harmswortli. Continuous
cricket is the best holiday. I am giving
all my young lions bonuses on then
runs. Of bowling we think nothing on
our paper; but five shillings a run is
freely offered. No bowling performanci
can ever get a word, however " meri-
torious."
Mr. Brodrick. There are, of course,
grouse. As one once sacrificed a cock
to Jisculapius, so it seems that the
legislation cannot now enter upon a
period of leisure without first sacrificing
a grouse to Hygeia. But it is not my
pleasure. I have no ambition to bring
iown a bird with both barrels of a Lee-
Metford.
Mr. Balfour. I did not know you shot
birds with Lee-Metfords. But I seldom
read the Sporting Papers.
Mr. Brodrick. Oh, well, with a Martini-
Henri then ; it 's all one. My idea of a
loliday is a hammock.
Lady Jeune. It is also, I see, Miss
[RENE VANBRUGH'S. I observe that the
Dhief Rabbi urges travel in Switzerland
and the Tyrol, with interspaces of rest
and reading.
Mr. Balfour. This counsel must come
as balm indeed to the toilers in White-
chapel.
Mr. Crooks. My constituents go to
Margate, and don't read.
Lady Jeune. A famous complexion
specialist, for example, favours a sketch-
ng tour with kindred souls in a gipsy van.
But that, of course, would not suit all.
Mr. Brodrick. Not me, certainly.
Si)- Alfred Harmsworth. A motor
gipsy-van might not be bad. A 60-
ipsy-power van would be very lively.
Jjady Jeune. I note that a Mr. BURGIN
advocates the Canadian pine woods ; but
"or a man with only a fortnight at his
disposal that advice is not too practical.
Lven in these days of ocean whippets, I
loubt if one would reach the sanctuary
)efore it was time to return.
Mr. Balfour. After the British Associa-
ion meeting is done I intend to take a
sleeping draught, warranted to keep
one comatose for three months.
Mr. Chamberlain. How odd ! My in-
ention is to remain wide awake all the
ne.
Lady Jeune. How, then, have we de-
;ided that holidays shall be spent ?
Mr. Chamberlain. Each in his own
way.
Mr. Crooks. At Margate.
CHAR1VARIA.
THE final report of the Census of 1901
has just been published. At that date
there were 97,383 insane persons in the
country. It is appalling to think that
this number was reached even before
the Passive Resistance movement was
started.
It is announced that electric trains
will soon be running on the Metro-
politan Railway, and that in the mean-
time the stations and tunnels are to be
made more attractive. This, no doubt,
accounts for the rumour that Portland
Road Station will shortly be bedded out
with choice flowers surrounding foun-
tains of eau-de-Cologne.
The St. George's Circus obelisk is to
be removed after all. We are not sur-
prised at the opposition against which
;he proposal has had to contend. There
s about an obelisk something so dainty
and fanciful that we believe there is
nothing else in the British ideal of art
so successfully attained.
" The day of art-finds is by no means
over," says the Art Journal. This may
e true, but the visitors to the last
exhibition of the Royal Academy cer-
.ainly had little luck.
Sir W. P. TRELOAR having written to
he Daily Mail to mention that a German
waiter in reply to his request for a
whisky and soda brought him a
• Vhitaker's Almanac, Mr. ST. JOHN
IAIKES mentions a much more fortunate
ncident. He asked for a Bradshaw and
received a brandy and soda. Person-
lly, we know of a case where a gentle-
man asked for a gin and bitters and they
irought him a policeman.
A paper for smokers has made its
appearance. Seeing how cheap matches
ire nowadays, we should have thought
t scarcely necessary.
The cry of "Wake up, England!" has
cached Norfolk. The Norwich Athletic
Association is the donor of a medal, to
competed for at the Sheringham
larriers' Sports in a four-mile walking
' andicap, " for the first boy home under
8 years." It certainly seems a long
ime.
All sorts of reasons continue to be
;iven for the emptiness of the churches.
Some say it is due to the inferior quality
if the sermons. On the other hand, as
AUGUST 10, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
a parson points out, how can you expect
a gcx>:l sermon from an over- worked
cleric? It must not be forgotten that
\vlnMi laymen are sleeping clergymen
are at work.
An actress defending the stage, in
the columns of the Express, against the
"faked woman" charges brought In
Miss MARIE COIIKU.I. declares that "in
actual life the BCtreea is even more
natural than the average woman." Miss
CORELLI never said anything so cruel
as that.
out ? Several
item of news
'A Woman Burglar." We
Is gallantry dying
newspapers headed an
last week, ' __
may be old-fashioned, but we prefer
the more courteous expression—" A Lady
Burglar."
At Charenton, France, the first num-
ber of a paper edited and printed by
inmates of the lunatic asylum has made
its appearance. We have reason to
believe that several such papers have
been published in England for some
time past without acknowledgment of
their origin.
On Friday last Mr. REGINALD VAKDER-
BILT gave a dinner at Sandy Point, at
which all the male guests had to wear
old straw hats in various stages of dilapi-
dation, while their partners donned sun-
bonnets. Nothing quite so delightfully
chic in freak entertainments has taken
place for years in America, and Mr.
VANDERHILT is the hero of the hour.
The Russian Volunteer cruisers
Peterburg and Smolensk are now return-
ing home. They have had an enjoyable,
exciting, and expensive cruise.
It is felt that Mr. Chamberlain is
seriously prejudicing his chances of
success with the labouring classes by
promising them more work.
It is also looked upon by many as a
tactical blunder that Mr. Chamberlain
in his Wei beck speech, which was de-
livered on the hottest day of the year,
should have promised cheaper food
instead of cheaper drink.
China's troubles are not over yet. It
is the opinion of his Excellency KAKG
Yr WEI, the leader of the Chinese
Reform party, that the English political
system of Party government could be
applied to China.
" I have been trying to smoke a cigar
ever since I was eight years old, and I
haven't succeeded," says T. P. in .V..-1J'.
We would respectfully suggest to Mr.
O'Coxson that he should try a fresh one.
A POINT OF VIEW.
" ENGAGED TO JACK ! WHY, YOU 'BE THE FOURTH GIRL HE 's BEEN ENGAGED TO THIS SUMMER."
" WELL, DON'T YOU THINK THERE MUST BE SOMETHING VERY ATTRACTIVE ABOUT A MAN WHO CAS
GET ENGAGED TO FOUR GIRLS IN ABOUT TWO MONTHS ? "
DOG POLICEMEN.
DEAR MR. PUNCH, — I was much in-
terested in an article appearing recently
in the Daily Mail, entitled " Dogs
as Policemen." It describes how, in
Belgium, dogs are being trained to detect
thieves with the accuracy of a ftlierlock
H«l Him. I am not a bit surprised ! A
vocation for police duties is inbred in
many dogs. My own little Fido (lately
deceased) was a case in point. His
speciality was to protest against the
frantic speed of motor-cars, bicycles, &c.,
and to warn their owners that they were
exceeding the legal limit. How this
marvellous dog obtained his knowledge
of the fact that they were transgressing
the law is altogether beyond me, but so
it was. My house is near a much-
frequented high road, and at every hour
of the day Fido would fly out and bark
violently at the "scorchers" who passed.
Alas ! he fell a victim to his own intelli-
gence and zeal, which reduced him to
the semblance of a pancake.
Yours scientifically.
" SPECTATOR."
"GLORIOUS" Goopwoon. — The 7 ></»/»/
Telegraph seems to have been the only
paper to record a spectacle (apparently
encored) which is unexampled at this
Royal meeting. It tells us that—
"The Royal party drove up just before
the first race, and this again included
the King and Queen, the Prince of
Wales, Princess Victoria, and the Duke
of Sparta."
A WARXIXG word may spare us blows.
So, all you pirate crews,
Just leave alone our P. & O.s.
And mind your P's and Q's.
98
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 10, 1904.
IN OR OUT OF THE MOVEMENT?
(A Saturday to Monday Meditation.)
As a worker and dweller in London, and as always
interested in every variation that "week-ends" away from the
work-shop may offer to the toiler, it seems to me that the
greatest change obtainable, with fullest value for money, in
the least possible time at the farthest distance away from
the madding business crowd, is the objective of all Who,
loving life, woidd see good days and reposeful nights. If,
for you, variety hath charms, then will you find it in all sorts
of shapes and forms — and the forms are various with a
vengeance, at Brighton, where yon will find yourself in the
space of one hour from town ; and however out of sorts you
may be (and this applies to quite forty-eight persons out of
fifty) good Dr. Brighton will pull you through and set you
on your legs again.
There Sunday offers an}" amount of attractions in drives,
steamboats, music on the pier, music in hotels (first-rate band
at the Metropole, by the way) and plenty of lounging. Far
be it from me to recommend anything "shady," even in these
tropical times, but for coolness, comfort, and quiet the Royal
York is hard to beat. Brighton gives you the very business
of pleasure. Of Margate much the same may be said ; ditto
as to Ramsgate, whose new Pavilion, properly managed, may
yet be numbered among the attractions and improvements.
For the upper crust on the upper cliff, far away above the
yellow sands, whence the gods aloft can look down on
seething humanity below, there is the Granville in all its
glory, with a promenade and a band-stand, but whether the
bandsmen are there every evening this 'deponent cannot state
with accuracy. All along the S.E. coast are places lively as
Variety Shows, suitable for the majority in search of amuse-
ment and distraction on Sundays.
But go round the corner of England, south east, and down
south to a seaside place that can be reached, express, in a
few minutes over two hours by the L. & S. W. R., and, for
perfect rest — compulsory rest, mind you, which you take
upon yourself voluntarily — commend me to Bournemouth.
Saturday and Monday, and every working day in a summer
week, Bournemouth is blithe and gay. Steamers are running
hither and thither, wagonettes, coaches, gardens with music,
excellent bands on well-appointed pier, concerts, donkey-
riding, al fresco refreshments, clowns, niggers — in fact, every-
thing that is considered by the majority as constituting a
'appy 'oliday, is to be found, at its best, at Bournemouth.
But every Saturday night, long before the stroke of twelve,
bands, lights, cocoa-nuts, niggers, donkey-boys, and all
things and people that make quiet life impossible, vanish as
if by magic, not to be heard of or seen again till Monday
he can meditate or read. He can stroll down to the de-
lightfully situated Jiostelrie at Branksome Chine, yclept
" linmksome Towers," beloved by our PHTL MAY, and 'there,
with invigorated appetite, he can lunch or dine al fresco.
At Bournemouth on Sunday there is no four-horse coach, no
horn blowing ; I saw no motors, nor heard raucous cries of
journal-vendors. I fancy that even for the Salvation Army,
with its brass bands and enthusiastic perambulating choir,
Sunday is a day of peace and quiet at Bournemouth. To
many the prospect of such a total change is deterrent, but to
not a few, among the wiser visitors, the Sabbatarian observ-
ance of Sunday, just for once and away (away, of course, on
the Monday), is a boon for which Bournemouth deserves a
fairly discriminating boom.
morning.
Any visitor from London who may need absolute quiet for
his Sunday outing will get it at Bournemouth, where, aloft
on the heather, on the sandy cliffs, or among the shady
forests of firs, he will find (except perhaps for the inter-
ference of occasional insects) perfect rest.
There are, it may be freely conceded, some trains should
he want to visit the neighbourhood : or, likewise, there are
vehicles for hire. But if he would slumber to music, there
is no band, no concert, not even of " Sacred Music " (at least,
so I gather), in any public garden. Would he be invigorated
by the sea-breeze fanning him aboard ship, and behold the
pleasant line of coast, he must be, and indeed ought to be
content with sitting at the end of the pier, fancying himself
on a steamer, when by a stretch of imagination he can
realise to his mind's eye pictures of the coast far out of sight
round the corners east and west. Sunday papers arrive late
from town, so he will not be worried by unnecessary news
He can sit in the pleasant Bath Hotel gardens enioyinc
• Mediterranean-like sea view, or in the public gardens
STANZAS FOR MUSIC.
(Dedicated to Richard Strauss.)
IN the orient air of autumn, fanned by Mareotic fires,
Where the stately salamanders curtsey to their sacred sires,
I beheld a wondrous vision, mirrored in the asymptote,
Of nostalgic Rosicrucians branding the scolecobrote.
Plants of hypodermic basil on the margin stood arrayed ;
Elfin hordes in anticlimax bathed in seas of marmalade ;'
And the obstinate allurement of the arrogant bassoon
Lent a silken iridescence to the mediaeval moon.
Leaders of these lurid revels, GARIBALDI I espied
With a shoal of pterodactyls prancing gaily by his side ;
Phuphluns, the Etruscan Bacchus, Gorboduc and Skanderbeg
Romping in divine confusion with the late Miss KILMANSEGG.
Goliardic cachinnations soon athwart the welkin rang,
Parasang in diapason booming unto parasang,
Till the saturnine COLOSSUS, joining grimly in' the fray,
Passed in oval ululation far beyond the Milky Way.
Then the myrmidons of Argos, mounted on their hippogriffs
Swooped in semilunar squadrons from the Dalecarlian cliffs'
Plunging their empurpled poniards in the bosom of the brine,
Till the minarets of Moscow sank into the Serpentine.
Oh, the rapture of the conflict, when the Corybantic crew
Clashed in fulsome adulation on the shores of Gillaroo !
Paladins of saintly presence, poets of seraphic quill-
HANNIBAL and BARBAROSSA, CALIBAN and BOIUDIL.
Suddenly the mist grew denser and the peacocks hove in sight
Peacocks of peculiar flavour, kidnapped from the Isle of
Wight,
VVaying with impassioned gusto tails of elephantine girth
While they sang, m plaintive accents, songs of agonising mirth.
But the oriflamme of Elba could no longer be defied
And the satrap of Sahara claimed his long-forgotten 'bride
Merging with supreme expansion, in the crucible of Hell
Holocausts of hara-kiri, hecatombs of asphodel.
So the vision waned and vanished, and I found myself alone
On the crest of Cotopaxi, in the Hanseatic zone
Cantillating with an unction never paralleled by man
Since the Balearic buglers scaled the heights of Matapan.
ANSWER TO ANONYMOUS CORRESPONDENT.— We beg to inform
someone who kindly sent inajoke "which he didn't think had
been made up to the present moment," that the " Hotel for
Lawyers, m connection with the name of RITZ, was per-
petrated about the time when the well-known Hotel -raiser
commenced, only that it took the form of "Advice to an
ln Hotels' warning hira of
'Ji'ST 10, 190-4.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
99
A TERRIBLE ADVENTURE.
Jimmy. " DADDY !
LEA8T BIT FRIGHTENED !
WHEN TOMMY JONES AND I WERE DOWN BY THE WATER, WE CAUGHT A LARGE CRAB, QUITE so BIO, AND I WASN'T THE
I TOOK IT IN MY HANDS, AU, BY MYSELF! "
Daddy (idio knows Jimmy's fear of crabs). "REALLY, AND WAS THIS TERRIBLE CRAB ALIVE?"
Jimmy. "N-No, DADDY. BUT IT WAS ALMOST ALIVE!"
DIFFICILIS DESCENSUS AVERNI.
[Many people wonder why the Upper Ten figure so prominently in
present-day British drama. ]n //« Temps Mr. A. B. WALKLEY suggests
as the explanation that only men of means and leisure can afford the
luxury of a grand passion.]
THERE'S a wish I've always had to be very very bad
And to emulate DON JCAN with the sex,
For I feel that I could make every bit as good a rake
As the dissolute TOM JONES or giddy QUEX.
I would cultivate the passion in the very finest fashion,
And elope with lots of other people's wives —
Had my income but permitted, I've a soul exactly fitted
For the gayest and the wickedest of lives.
But whenever I aspire to a questionable fire,
When particularly tempted to elope,
Say, to Margate or Southend, with a charming lady friend,
I am suddenly compelled to crush my hope ;
For alas ! my circumstances do not warrant such romances,
And my chief would look unutterably black,
W hile Maria would discover that her gay and gallant lover
Was an unromantic person with the sack.
How I envy lucky chaps — in the Albany, perhaps —
Who address their cringing valets thus : "You di nco !
Pack my Gladstone bag ! Make haste ! There is little time
to waste ;
We are leaving for the Continent at once."
Now if I presume to cherish such delicious dreams, they perish
At the prospects which await us poorer men.
It 's a very prosy pity, but 1 've got to reach the City
Every morning as the clock is striking ten.
Thus with every wish to shine in the gay Lothario line,
And with every inclination to be bad,
Fate is one too much for me, and the sad result you see —
I "m the very mildest person to be had.
On a Sunday you will find me, with my little ones behind me,
Strolling virtuously over Walham Green.
All, how few would guess the hunger of this pious ironmonger
For the joys of a forbidden might-have-been !
THAT the disasters of the War are being literally " brought
home " to the inhabitants of St. Petersburg is shown in the
following tremendous item of intelligence, extracted from a
Times leader of August 4 : —
"The question of winter quarters for the Russian Army had not
hitherto been regarded as urgent, but we are suddenly informed from
St. Petersburg that General KUROPATKIN has issued orders for the
removal of the 'useless civilian elements' frrui that town in order that
winter quarters may Ije prepare 1 there for his troop-."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON_CHARIVARI
SAD RESULTS OF PERSISTENT BRIDGE PLAYING AT SEA.
Owner. "1'i.r, 'EAVE IT 16 YOU, PARTNER'. "
CRICKET BY CONTRACT.
ACCORDING to a contemporary, the very
existence of local cricket is seriously
threatened by the deplorable selfishness
of cricketers, who do not scruple to cry
off at the last moment should some
superior attraction present itself.
The following form of agreement will,
it is hoped, go some way towards dimin-
ishing this serious evil.
This Indenture made on the day
of 1904 between JOHN JONES of
1 Buckingham Palace Villas Balham in
the county of Surrey Gentleman (and
hereinafter called the Skipper) of the
one part and SAMUEL SMITH of Chatsvrorth
Cottage Brixton in the county of Surrej
aforesaid (and hereinafter called tin
Trundler) of the other part
Whereas a cricket match has beer
arranged and is shortly to take place
between the athletes of Balham (carrying
on business under the style and firm o''
the Balham Early Closers) and th<
athletes of Upper Tooting (carrying on
business under the style and firm of the
Upper Tooting Wednesdays and Satur
days) And Whereas the said Trundle
has assured the said Skipper that on
ertaiu day to wit the first Monday in
August in the year of Grace 1903 he did
ismiss two batsmen and no more of the
pposing team and numbered in the
scoring sheet respectively ten and eleven
and which statement the said Skipper
lereby binds himself to believe to the
best of his ability) at an average rate of
;en runs per wicket by bowling or other-
wise propelling the cricket ball in such
i manner that the said ball turned or
twisted round the legs of the said bats-
men and which style of propulsion is
hereinafter called a Googley _ And
Whereas the said Skipper relying on
such representations as aforesaid has
requested the said Trundler to aid and
abet him in compassing the defeat of
the said Upper Tooting Wednesdays and
Saturdays And Whereas the said
Trundler has agreed to so aid and abet
him
Now This Indenture Witnessed! that
in pursuance of the premises the said
Trundler hereby covenants with the
said Skipper that at 11.30 o'clock on the
day appointed for the said match he
will duly and punctually attend at a
certain hayfield containing by admeasure-
ment about 3 acres 2 roods 1 perch (and
commonly known as the Upper Tmtiug
Wednesdays «"<! Saturdays' cricket
ground) arrayed in proper clothing that
is to say one pair of grey flannel trousers
one shirt of flannel or linen one pair of
white canvas shoes with nails spikes or
other steel points in the soles thereof
one cloth cap and one blazer containing
such colours only as belong to the uni-
form of the said* Balhum Karly Closers
And Tliis Indenture further witnesseth
that the said Trundler will at such time
or times as to the said Skipper may
seem fit proper and right bowl propel
or otherwise deliver such Googleys as
aforesaid with intent to get the batsman
bowled caught stumped or otherwise
dismissed And This Indenture^ further
witnessed! that he the said Trundler
will not allow himself to be prevented
from performing die premises by reason
of Tennis Tournaments Ping-pong
Parties Bicycle Gymkhanas Boating
Excursions 'Weddings (whether his
own or Another's) or Dancing Classes
hereinafter to IDC called Superior Attrac-
tions but by the said Trundler described
as the obsequies of his Grandmother
Aunt or other distant Relative.
In Witness whereof &c.
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— AUQUHT 10, 1904.
^§s^
INTERNAL DISORDER.
u^rl^T » MY PO°R FRIEND ! " Ro88IJUr BEAR- " IT >S NOT ONLY ™E FIGHTING-
THAT 'S BAD ENOUGH-IT 'S THE AWFUL PAIN INSIDE "
THERE * ^^ HELP Y°U' T 'M TROUBLED A LITTLE ™ THAT
An;i-sr 10, 190-1.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
103
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTKI) FIKiM THE DlAKY OF Tol'.Y, M.I'.
llnllxi'of I'ollllliiills, Mullilill/. .\IKJItxl I.
Hank Holiday, and a ran' summer day.
Tin- mighty multitude of London mil
enjoying itself. Hampstead, Kew,
Kpping Forest, cricket at tin' Oval,
Hichinoiid I 'ark at its best, all throned
with holiday folk. Only at Westminster
work goes on as if JOHN l.uinorK had
never been. As matter oE fact, taking
both Bouses together, this so-called Hank
Holiday is the busiest day of the year.
Licensing Hill in the Lords. Vote of
Censure in the Commons, tilled both1
Chambers.
Viscount PKKI. moved amendment to |
Licensing Hill establishing time limit.
Some present to-night under ample
wing of LORD Ciuxi'Ki.mit, having, still in
chrysalis state, sit in Commons when, just
twenty-four years ago, Aimirii WKI.I.I-:SI.I:V
I'r.Ki. wa- called to the Chair, remember
the brief speech he made in acknow-
ledgment of his election. Heretofore his
I er.sonality little known to average
Member. Recognised as one who had
filled subordinate Ministerial office.
Had never (aught ear of House by
ordered speech. Now suddenly brought
under the fierce light that beats mi
Speaker's Chair, the eloquence, dignity.
lofty independence of his address created
pleased surprise.
During the eleven years that followed,
impression then made was sustained and
THE THREE JOE-VIAL HUNTSMEN. (WKLBECK EDITION.) No. II.
"THEY HUNTED, AN' THEY HOI.LO'D, AN' THE NEXT THINO THEY DID FIND
WAS A RUSTY, MCSTY ORINDLESTONE, AN* THAT THEY LEFT BEHIND.
LOOK YE THERE !
ONE SAID IT WAS A OHINDLESTONE, ANOTHER HE SAID 'NAY,
IT '8 NOfOHT BIT AN* OWD FOSSIL, THAT SOMEBODY 's ROLL*T AWAY."
I/X>K YE THERE! "
[" I propose to put such a duty on flour as will result in the whole of the milling of wheat
This trade, which to a certain extent we have lost, will be
being done in this country.
revived." Mr. < 'linmlirrlnill.}
opportunity of hearing a speech here-
ditary in its simplicity, its loftiness
of moral attitude; equal to, if not ex-
llllpl eSSlUJl lllcll UliUlL \\tl.~» .-MinLilllHTVI <lin_i i WL JIIVIUA Obfciuuuv , v^m*i wj J*. jivyw v**v
deepened. Tonight the Lords had ! ceeding, the eloquence that marked the
THE THREE JOE-VIM, HTNTSMEN. (WELBECK EDITION.) No. I.
"TllEY IICNTEH, AN' THEY IKlLLo'D, Ax' THE FIRST THINO THEY DID FIND
WAS A TATTER'T BOOOAHT, IN A FIELD, AN' THAT THEY LEFT BEHIND.
LOOK YE THERE !
0-KF. SAID IT WAS A BOGGART, AN* ANOTHER HE SAID 'NAY;
ii ',- JTST A BANKRIT' FARMED, HE win, SURELY co ova WAY.'
LOOK YE THERE ! "
" 1 do r.r.t believe that I have to preach to the farmer." — Mr. <'hnmlerlam.'>
speeches of the statesman whose highest
aspiration was that he should " leave a
name sometimes remembered with expres-
sions of goodwill in those places which
are the abode of men whose lot it is to
labour and earn their daily bread by the
sweat of their brow — a name remem-
bered with expressions of goodwill when
they shall recreate their exhausted
strength with abundant and untaxed
food, the sweeter because it is no longer
leavened with a sense of injustice."
As nearly sixty years ago the father
devoted his rare capacity to the welfare
of the working-man in the matter of
food, so to-day the son, putting on
harness again in time of well-earned
rest, throws all his energy into effort to
deliver the horny-handed one from the
thrall of drink.
lu the Commons C.-B. comes tip fresh
and smiling with quite a new vote of
censure. No expectation of turning out
Government, even at this eleventh hour.
There were some three dozen Free
Fooders on Ministerial side known to be
ready to put principle before party. If
they carried their convictions to logical
conclusion they would support C.-B. in
his expression of " regret that certain of
His Majesty's Ministers have accepted
official positions in a political organisa-
tion which has formally declared its
adhesion to a Policy of Preferential
duties involving the taxation of food."
They all shared the regret ; COUSIN
104
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 10, 1904.
"DlOMED AND GLAUCUS VOW TO AVOID EACH OTHER HENCEFORTH IN THE FRAY.
HUGH expressed it in a speech coruscating
with wit. If they followed C.-B. into
Division Lobby they would reduce Minis-
terial majority by 12. That would bring
it to dangerously low figure, with inevi-
table conclusion of leading C.-B. to
Treasury Bench. So they heroically
resolved to take a middle course. Whilst
lamenting PRINCE ARTHUR'S falling away
they could not vote with him ; whilst
approving C.-B.'s protest, they would
not support him.
Some, like ST. MICHAEL AND Au, ANGELS,
stopped away, thus freeing themselves
effort to rope in his right lion, friend,
the latter insisting on knowing what are
those views and convictions which PRINCE
ARTHUR reiterated he had more than
once defined. PRINCE ARTHUR ignored
DON JOSE'S trap. He looked with
wondering, almost incredulous, ga/e at
the Opposition still wanting to know.
" I have," he said, " over and over
again declared my opinion, defined my
position, on this fiscal question."
" What are they ? " inquired matter-
of-fact Member opposite.
PRINCE ARTHUR sailed along as if the
question of the day, in the hearing of
an intensely interested audience, and he
said nothing.
Business done. — Vote of censure nega-
tived by 288 votes against 210.
Tuesday. — " What, all my pretty-
chickens ? "
C.-B., murmuring MacDuffs inquiry,
stopped short of the last word in the
line quoted, lest in the circumstances it
might lead to misunderstanding. With
the Scotch Church in fresh state of dis-
ruption it would never do for the
Member for Stirling District, under what-
ever provocation, to be suspected of
using an undesirable expletive.
Truly the situation extraordinary. At
this epoch common enough for Leader
of House to announce the dropping of
certain measures in Ministerial pro-
gramme, found impossible to carry
through before Prorogation. Never
was such holocaust as to-day. Twenty-
one Bills chucked overboard. On some,
such as Scotch Education, Port of
London, and Aliens Bills, much time
spent. Had it been concentrated on
one, its passage assured ; distributed,
labour is lost.
PiiiM'K ARTHUR in gayest spirits. Seems
rather proud than otherwise of distinc-
tion achieved. Jokes with Welsh Mem-
bers without deefficulty. One item in
the list is a Whales Bill. Welsh Mem-
bers, not catching the aspirate, want
to know what this has to do with Wales.
" Whales," said the Premier nodding
cheerfully ; " w-h-a-1-e-s, inhabitants of
the deep."
" What a shining light he would have
been at Dotheboys Hall ! " said the
MEMBER FOR SARK. " You remember the
spelling lesson there ? " ' Spell win-
from all temptation ; others, like COUSIN ' question had been addressed elsewhere.
HUGH, walked out when the Division Sat down without having by
bell- rang. Thus it came to pass the i committed himself.
Government have what in these days is
reckoned a rattling majority of 78.
Whilst a good send-off for Ministers
on eve of holidays was thus gratuitously
provided, Opposition didn't even gain
anticipated advantage of making things
hot for PRINCE ARTHUR. Awkward
enough they were, with DON JOSE on
one side and the deep sea of Opposition
on the other ; the former making fresh
phrase
When the late Mr. G. did not want to
reply to an inconvenient question, lie
made answer in a multitude of words
that left the inquirer so bewildered
that before he could return to the
matter the next business was called on
and opportunity had fled. PRIKCE
ARTHUR achieved
same wav, but :
the same end by
varied fashion.
the
He
ders,' said Mr. SQUEERS, to one of his
boys. ' WT-i-n-d-e-r-s,' whimpered the
boy. ' Right,' said Mr. SQUEERS ; ' now
go and clean them.' ' Spell Whales,'
Mr. SQUEEKS would have remarked to
PRINCE ARTHUR had his early youth been
spent in the Yorkshire seminary.
' W-h-a-1-e-s,' would have been the un-
faltering response. ' Right,' tays Mr.
SQUEERS ; ' go and catch one.'
Business done. — Government Bills
dropped like hot coals. PRINCE ARTHUR
going a-whaling in holiday time, means
to wind up business at earliest
date.
Friday. The MKMIIKR FOR SARK, who
has been reading the Liff and letters of
Cowell of Cambridge, just published!)}
MACMILLAN, is delighted with passage
in letter dated 1847, written by FITZ-
GERALD to the then young student.
" That is a noble and affecting pas
sage," he writes, " where Diomed ant
Glaucus, being about to fight, recognisi
spoke nearly an hour on the burning
each other
change arms,
as old
and
family friends, ex
to avoid each
other henceforth in the frav."
Auovsr 10, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
105
Ill oa
H
< 2
Q «
O kl
? 3
°- w
B
LJ £
«) O
§ 1
106
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVAEL
[AUGUST 10, 1904.
Whilst acknowledging the difficulty
in the reference to old family friendship,
SARK discerns in this reminiscence of
the Trojan War analogy to the relation-
ship now existing between PRINCE
ARTHUR and DON JOSE. The vow hence-
forth to avoid each other in the fray Ill-
regards as particularly felicitous. On
the question of fiscal reform DON JOSE
flies one flag, PRINCE ARTHUR another.
They are as wide apart as whole-hoggers
and half-hoggers. Fighting is going on
all round, at Oswestry and elsewhere.
But these, having exchanged arms,
" avoid each other in the fray."
"And which is Diomed and which
Glaums?" I asked.
"Well," said SARK, "you remember
it was the masterful Diomed who, in the
exchange of armour, secured the golden
suit, leaving Glaucus to put up with one
of common iron. As they say to this
day in places where they talk in pro-
verbs, Glauei et Diomedis permntatio."
Business done. — Welsh Coercion Bill
in Committee.
ANSWER TO (MANY) CORRESPONDENTS. — Of
course it was CLAUDE LOWTHER, not CLAUDE
HAY, who, during the all-night sitting,
accused WINSTON CHURCHILL of suffering
from an attack of Beri-beri. In writing
his " Diary " published last week, TOBY,
M.P., confounded the two — of course not
in the offensive sense of the word. It
is the worst of the persistent sunshine
of that fortnight. The tendency to make
Hay was irresistible.
FIRST-AID FEROCITIES.
I PROTEST I am a mild man, and an
inoffensive, but if it were not for that
silk handkerchief and umbrella I should
certainly take legal proceedings.
I had been dining with my old friend
Jones, who always does you well, and at
ten o'clock, being an early man, I started
homewards. Some half-dozen young
men were walking ahead of me, and I
noticed that each one carried a little
book. All at once I slipped and fell,
though whether orange peel or banana
skin was the cause of my downfall has
never been made clear. In any case, I
hit the back of my head against a
lamp-post and lay groaning. The young
men immediately returned and clustered
round me, but they prevented all my
efforts to rise, and one with an exultant
cry of " Epilepsy ! " dropped on his knee
and thrust his little book in my mouth.
My impotent struggles at this outrage
were interrupted by the remarks of o'ne
of his companions, who had me by the
right leg: "Lie still— don't attempt to
move," he was saying, then, turning to
the others, he observed :
"This is really a most fortunate occur-
rence—I do believe he 's broken his leg ! "
At this they all opened their little
books, and began hurriedly turning over
the pages.
" Does that hurt you, my poor fellow ? "
lie inquired, giving my calf a frightful
pinch.
Considering the position of the book
the eloquence of my reply was really
creditable.
"Ah— as I thought," he exclaimed
triumphantly, "a comminated fracture
of the tibia. JODKINS, old man, turn to
fractures."
JODKINS rapidly skimmed the pages of
his book and began reading.
" ' Compress the femoral artery and
apply a tourniquet.' No — that 's the
wrong place. Ah ! this is better —
' Apply a splint from hip to ankle ; a
POLICE NEWS.
"BROUGHT BEFORE THE BEAK."
stick or umbrella will do.' Here's an
umbrella, and here 's a silk handkerchief
for a bandage."
At this they proceeded to attach the
umbrella to my person, and half choked
as I was, and still dazed by my fall, I
was like a baby in their hands. At this
point another young man stooped over
me, and poking his thumb viciously in
my left eye pressed back the eyelid.
" You 're all of you wrong," he cried
excitedly. " This is a case of laudanum
poisoning ; his pupil 's no bigger than
a pin. Here, take some of this, my poor
chap." And so saying he removed the
book and substituted the mouth of a
bottle in its place. Mistaking it for a
stimulant, I took a copious draught,
Faugh ! — let me draw a veil over the
next few minutes.
"Capital!" cried the young brute.
" Now we '11 walk you up and down to
work off the poison."
"You'll do nothing of the sort!"
cried JODKINS with some heat-— "when
we 've just set the fracture successfully.
Leave him alone, will you ! "
They were proceeding to high words,
when a gruff voice exclaimed :
" Now then, what 's the matter here ? "
and a stalwart constable thrust my
tormentors aside and peered into my
face.
" He 's in a fit," cried one ; " it 's this
hot weather ! "
"Thirst;/ weather, you mean," re-
torted the policeman with offensive
significance.
"It's laudanum poisoning, I tell
you ! " cried another.
"Alcoholic poisoning," replied the
policeman, with a sneer ; " and a night
in the cells is all the treatment he
requires." And with that he took me
by the collar. There was a magnetic
element in his touch that endued me
witli the desperation of a maniac. With
a yell I sprang to my feet, upsetting the
constable, who, I was pleased to notice,
carried three voung men with him as he
fell.
I may affirm, without exaggeration,
that I' covered the half mile which lay
between me and home in one minute
fifty seconds. Safely locked in my own
vestibule I discovered the umbrella still
adhering to my person by means of the
silk handkerchief, and, as I before re-
marked, were it not for the fact that
both articles are of excellent quality, I
should certainly take legal proceedings.
THE GAME OF "AVERAGES."
THIS popular game is played very
much like the old-fashioned " Cricket,"
but with a different motive. In the
game of "Cricket" each player's object
was to win the match, but in the new
game — "Averages"- each player plays
solely for his own score, the result of
the match being immaterial.
The following points, .in which "Ave-
rages" differs from "Cricket," should
be observed.
When running byes, or for a hit of
your partner's, do not exert yourself un-
necessarily. Bv judicious running en-
deavour to monopolise inferior bowling,
and in the same way avoid the attack
when it is of a specially deadly nature.
If you want to be " not out," you should
avoid the bowling altogether.
If it is a question between drawing
the match and winning it by taking
risks, take none. Think of your average,
and play the yame.
The Strenuous Ige.
First City Blood. Busy at your place ?
Second C. B. Well, not gen'rally ; but
I am, awf'ly. Just been in Paris for a
month to arrange about my holidays.
An. rsr 10, 190-1.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
107
THE RECORD OF A SHORT HOLIDAY.
IV.
(in:' faire .' What indeed !
The sympathetic man, in the blouse, and the' despondent
iiiini, myself, in thr blues, face i>ii'- another ; lint, not a word
liuvc we to say. Suddenly my companion noamnMDOeB shout-
ing "Madame! M,i:lnm,' '. " and again, in a hopeless spiritless
1'asliion, like a half-hearted echo. I follow him. Let us shout
I iv all means. It is a relief to the feelings. Hut that, is all.
Nonaponse; not a sound ; not a murmur; not the faintest
murmur of a whi.-per. This Babe, maseiiline, ill the wood
has lost the other Babe, feminine; and, as my i'ai icy recurs to
nursery rhymes like lin I'rr/,, 1 am utterly at a loss and
"don't know when' to lind her."
Sudden inspiration! The remainder of the Jin I'ri /i
(Terse i-- " Leave them alone. And they'll come home'' (home
does not nowadays rhyme with alone, and perhaps it never
did) "And bring their tails behind them." And when my
wife docs come home i i.e., to the Hotel) she will bring 7/er
tale with her; and tlu'n I shall learn what, in the meantime,
had become of the /nv/ii.s- <\;nree, who, for aught I know, may
be regarding mi' at this moment as a lirrlux galetue.
lint how account for the bags, the four stout and, when all
together, the unportable-for-one-l'emi nine-person bags ! They
could not, suddenly develope legs, as in a goblinesque fairy
tale they would have done, and offer themselves to my
wife a> guides who would pilot her to the hotel? My
brain must be becoming a trille disordered, or how could I,
at such a crisis, even imagine so absurdly grotesque a situa-
tion. Let me be reasonable: let me re-arrange facts. Let
me consider the matter as quietly as the (strong epithet) flies
will permit. Also I must ignore the irrepressible man in
the blouse, who, when not regarding me with sympathetic
sentimental expression of countenance, is suddenly beating
the air with his cap, while under his breath he invokes
maledictions, in patois untranslatable, on the already thrice
accur,-ed insects.
That my wife could have carried all four bags by herself,
and could, so laden, have walked to the hotel, is utterly
impossible. If she had walked to the hotel, she must have
passed us ; we must have seen her. If any porteur had
carried the bags, we must have seen him.
What the * ° °. I bang the flies in impotent rage, and
could almost dance with vexation.
Sympathetic little man in blouse shouts to a woodcutter
who is just emerging from the forest. He tells him the
story. No; woodcut ler shakes his head, shrugs his shoulders;
he has not seen a Madame with bags. "Ah," he corrects
himself, "but he IKIK seen a Madame ivithout bags. She has
just passed," he points to a side path ; " elle nlln'tt a I'hotel."
Man in blouse delighted. "C'est Madame!" he exclaims,
triumphantly. I can only hope so, as, if it be not, then my
wife musl be still in the forest waiting for me!! Ailing !
ll is past nine o'clock ! ! !
Buoyed up by hope, we >iep out bravely.
Suddenly, as if il came to <t.v, not we to i/, the hotel is before
ii- ! It is the marvellous scene in the old story of Thr Kin-hunted
l-'m-i'xt repeating itself. The hotel, with all its life, its dinners,
lights, and hum of (not of flies, thank Heaven !) conversation,
is suddenly opened out to me. But where is my wife?
Advancing with open arms is my friend JACQI KS RoBUTSOir,
while at the corner of the verandah stands his daughter in
earnest conversation with a lady, and that lady is -—My
wife! Bravissima! Dance of joy, and return to partners !
And the four bags? there they are on a truck. Three
cheers! A bon poin-l«iir/' to my friend in the blouse. He
is sympathetically cuclinnti', he is beaming. He congratulates
me, and retires.
"And how," I begin my inquiry after the first expansive
moments of our joyful re-union are over, "how on eartl
did you •-— ?"
" I '11 tell you," interposes a lighthearlcd, genial gentleman
in a grey tourist suit, of whom I remember having inquired
the way when 1 met him in company with some bicyclists.
"After you left us I suv my friends to I'aris-I'lage, and
then returned, by the short cut through the forest, to Le
Touquet."
" It was the path we tcxik," interposes my wife, turning
to me, "on leaving the tram."
"And there," continues our light hearted acquaintance, " in
the middle of the short cut" — this sounds as if he were
talking of tobacco "I found your wife and the bags.
introduced myself, then hurried on, secured a porter with a
truck — and here we are."
I thank him most heartily. After this, we are formally
introduced. He is Captain SHEIUNGTON of the Nothing-in-
Particulars.
"And now," JACQUES ROBINSON commences heartily, rubbing
his hands together, as if he were washing them clean of all
responsibility for our difficulties " now
"The dinner is ready, when you please," the excellent
mult rr J'lti'ih'1, .Monsieur CHARLES, informs us, interrupting
.1 \c.,)i r.s K. " It was commanded for 8.15; it is now 9.20."
In ten minutes we are at table, dining al fresco under the
broad spread ing roof of the verandah of the Hotel du Touqnet,
enjoying a dinner as well chosen and as well cooked as you
could wish for wherever you might be. And the scene ! —
charming !
If ever there was a good dinner well earned, it was this;
and if ever to enjoy aforesaid dinner there were two grateful
travellers, they were, on this occasion, Orpheus and Eurydice
reunited, or the Babes in the Wood, well out of it.
And lot me add, as a moral, for the benefit of compatriot
travellers, bathers, and golf-players, who appreciate thorough
change of scene, of company, and of mode of life, and
who have a fancy for spending a holiday at a genuine health
resort which is, at present, free from many of the trammels
that conventionality imposes upon the majority, let me recom-
mend this same Le Touquet. Such holiday-makers may
arrange to start from Charing Cross at 10 A.M., or
at 2.20 P.M., in which latter case they will be dining al fresco
within five hours of their start, and, as I hope, blessing
this tipster for the suggestion. But, remember, Le Touquet is
not yet completed. Therefore wire beforehand to inquire
whether you can be accommodated, as, should the place be
held by native forces coming from Paris and elsewhere, you
will be crowded out, and will not invoke blessings on the
head of this present well-intentioned adviser.
" This place," observes the Franco-Scotch Baron HAMISII DE
FrETOiLES, addressing JACQUES ROBINSON DE CIIUSOK, •• js
beginning to be known."
" (Ja se voit partout," says JEAN JACQUES, waving his hand
in the direction of the guests at the various tables, who are now
postprandial ly enjoying the solace of tobacco in various forms.
" Quite so," returns Baron HAMISH ; " but I have been specially
struck by the appearance here of two Eastern gentlemen who
have come from Constantinople for a tour i:i I1' ranee. There
they are," and he indicates two tourists in "/ey suits (the
verandah is electrically lighted, so that everylxxly is as
Jearly distinguishable as in broadest daylight), each
wearing a fez, leaning back in their chairs, evidently content
with what they have received, and peacefully puffing the
Fragrant weed, quite satisfied with their present state of semi-
somnolence.
"They are Turkish merchants, uncommonly wealthy,"
xplains Baron HAMISH.
" The short stout one — I can't recall his name," says JEA\
JACQUES.
Baron HAMISII knows. They are his friends.
108
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 10, 1904.
" The shorter of the two — they are both very stout,'' says
Baron HAMISH, " the shorter is ABDUL; and the licavier and
bigger one is Annn.i.AH. They are unspeakable Turks. They
won't say two words the whole evening, though tliey can talk
French perfectly, and both speak English with facility."
We are introduced to Anw I. and AHWLLAII. They rise,
salute gravely, and resume their chairs.
Tlie conversation flows; neither AHUM, nor AUDI Ll.AH is to
be drawn into it, not even by the artful Baron. ih.Mlsn, who con-
stantly refers to the pleasant time he spent in their company
when at Constantinople. The Baron mentions some side-
splitting incidents in which both AIIDIJL and his brother
ABDULLAH have apparently taken prominent parts. The Baron
tries to draw them out. He turns to ABDUL.
" It was a very comic scene, wasn't it? " 'he asks pleasantly
of ABDUL. ABDUL bows gravely.
"Yes, it was," he replies in English, and turns his head
slightly towards his brother.
" Yes," says ABDULLAH solemnly, and Loth resume their
cigars.
So we sit out in full view of forest and in hearing of the
sea. telling stories, all of us, and vainly trying to draw out
ABDUL and ABDULLAH.
It is time to retire. The Turkish brothers "rise gravely,
and courteously salute us.
" Good night to you, Sir," says ABDUL.
" lion soir," says ABDULLAH.
Then both resume their seats. Next morning, at the same
table, we find them in the same attitudes, smoking the same
sort of cigarettes, after breakfast.
"Good morning to you, Sir," says ABDUL, courteously
inclining.
" Ron jour," says ABDULLAH, gravely.
While we are at our first dejeuner of chocolate (excellent)
and coffee, with the lightest possible bread and the most
delicious butter, a carriage has arrived to fetch the in-
separable and unspeakable Turks to Etaples en route for
Paris.
Ij addition is politely handed by the unobtrusive ROBERT,
garcon-en-chef, to ABDUL, who, exhibiting no sort of interest
in the matter, regards it, indolently, for a minute, then
passes it on to his brother.
" Est-ce juste ? " inquires ABDUL, sleepily.
" Parfaitement," answers, after a minute's pause, ABDULLAH.
Whereupon ABDUL rises leisurely and places himself in the
voitttre. ABDULLAH Iroks up at him, as if about to make a
suggestion, but ABDUL has closed his eyes to business and
is calmly smoking as he reclines in the carriage. We
fancy we hear a slight sigh escape from ABDULLAH as he
produces the necessary money. Before he has replaced the
purse in his pocket the waiter has returned. Dapper mailre
d'hdtel and the garfon-en-chef run down to wish them genially
ban voyage, expressing hopes of seeing them both again.
" Bon voyage, mes amis," shouts cheerily Baron HAMISH, in
bath costume, from the balcony aloft.
ABDUL looks up, and bows to him with gravest courtesy.
" Mille remerciments," he murmurs. Then, casting a
glance round at us, he adds, solemnly, " Au revoir, mes
amis! "
ABDULLAH, who is now seated at ABDUL'S side in the voiture,
merely raises his right hand with utmost gravity, and utters
the single word, " Saint ! "
Then the coachman cracks his whip, and within another
two minutes they have disappeared down the long avenue.
' Sure such a pair -" commences JEAN JACQUES.
"They're no fools, those two wise men from the East,"
observes Baron HAMISH, " but they are not lively compani. me :
and one is more deadly lively than the other."
" Then " — this occurs to me as a happy thought — " their
godfathers and godmothers must have foreseen how thev
were going to turn out when they called one ' Ab-dull' and
his brother ' Ab-duller.' "
9.15 A.M. We must quit Le Touquet, to catch the midday
boat from Boulogne.
Not to be compelled to return immediately to work in
London, but to let ourselves down gently, as it were, after
our perilous adventures and delightful experiences at Le
Touquet, is indeed a very great, point; therefore is it with
gratitude that we remember how there, is always Open House
J'or us at Ramsgate, which haven of intermediate rest (en
mute for London) we will reach as soon as possible. So after
debarking from the Boulogne boat we lunch at the Pavilion
Hotel close at hand, and thence do we proceed to catch the
small Myleta, (not twenty minutes' walk from the hotel to land-
ing-stage), which, under the command of Commodore SHAIM-,
with Chief-steward MACDONALD to see to the comforts of
the passengers, departs from Folkestone at 3.15 and lands us
at Ramsgate ere the clock strikes six. Thus finish we our
open sea-air cure without recourse to train. And so ends
the record of a short and very pleasant holiday.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
TJie Tavern Knight, by RAPHAEL SARATIXI (GRANT RICHARDS),
is a stirring romance that recalls the broad effects of DIM is.
The character of the Tavern Knight, himself the hero
of the story, is singularly original ; as is also the motive
of the plot. There is a scene between Ci/ntliid, a charm-
ing heroine under the first influence of love, aiid the r< tystering
Cavalier in the prime of his manhood but worn by hardship
and rendered desperate and callous by treachery, which, in its
way, is quite a masterpiece of descriptive writing and dramatic
dialogue. There is not a dull or commonplace chapter in
the book, and though some exception may be taken -to the
strain put upon the conversation where the Tiirrrii Kii'n/lil,
pleading the cause of an unworthy lover, is supposed by
Cynthia to be speaking for himself, yet must, the improb-
able situation be accepted for the sake of the excellent
results. The reader who once takes up this book will
not easily put it down until he has learned the ultimate fate
of the reckless, warm-hearted, much-enduring Titrn-ii
TfiJS.
BARON
" Happy Thought (for Publishers). When nothing better to
do, bring out a new pocket edition of SHAKESPEARE." This
idea seems to have struck Mr. HEIXF.MAXX. who has com-
menced a series of The Works of Sliahi'x/iffiir, under which
title will of course be included Sweet William's poems and
any other little trifles that he, from time to time, may have
dashed off. The Baron is in pos-
session of four volumes (two in
each pocket) of this work, to
which he hopes to give some por-
tion of the time allotted to him
during his most welcome vaca-
tion. " Why, 't is no sin for a
man to labour in his vacation ? "
(vide. FALSTAKF, 1 Hen. IV., 1, 2.)
The Baron ventures to substitute
a" for "o" in "vocation,"
which substitution is a possi-
bility that was present to the ,.„
mind of the Universal Genius.
Co)-rection.- In last week's Booking Office the Baron sees
that " Major BROADFOOT ' ' appeared in print as " Major BROAD-
FOL." The gallant and sportsmanlike Major writes from his
pied a terre in Cumberland to draw attention to the error,
and the Baron, unwilling to offer any lame excuse, hastens
to restore him his " foot " whole and entire, in toto, and ready
for active service.
AUGUST 17, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
109
PLAYING FOR LOVE.
Extract from Letter.— " WE MADE A LOT OF MONEY BY OUB BAZAAR, AXD EVERYBODY THOUGHT THE LIVING BRIDGE VERY PRETTY. I WAS
THE ACE OF HEARTS, AND PEOPLE WILL KEEP SAYING THAT MB. LOVELACE WOULD HAVE PLAYED A MUCH BETTER GAME IF HE HADN'T 'HELD ME
UP' so LONG."
MY DREAM.
[The Faculty of Commerce and Administra-
tion in the University of Manchester has just
issued its first prospectus, giving its Degree
insulations and a syllabus of Classes for
1901-5.]
I DREAMED a dream. I crossed the quad
As oft in days gone by,
And once again nictliought I trod
The old familiar High.
The old familiar — yet how strange
Seemed all as I detected
Un every hand the striking change
That Progress had effected.
The grey old pile that once was known
As Univ. was no more,
And on its ancient site had grown
A universal store :
Here freshers sold you pounds of tea,
There smart shop-walking scholars
Were bidding Madam pause and see
The latest thing in collars.
Across the road I cast my eyes :
Behold, All Souls' had fled,
And in its place I saw arise
Steam jets were spitting here and there, They spoke. I gave a joyous start
Machinery was flying, To hear those words engraven
And these the words that met my stare : On every loving Oxford heart,
The Oxford School of Dyeing. The " Ireland " and the " Craven."
On Magdalen next my glances fell ; Said one, " I think it very wrong
Smoke hung about it black ; To give the ' Ireland ' to
The tower had turned by some strange A man who is so far from strong
Into a chimney-stack. [spell j In cheese and lard, don't you ?
No need to ask how it was named
Nor w hat the men were doing :
An overpowering smell proclaimed
The Oxford School of Brewing.
Two Christchurch men came down the
street
Discussing their exams.
Quoth one, "I 'm through in frozen meat
But ploughed again in hams."
" Hard lines ! " said Number Two ; "the
Dean
Just told me I have taken
An alpha plus in margarine
Although I 'm gulfed in bacon."
Next passed two portly fellows by,
In Masters' gowns. " Behold,
Here is the good old school," thought I,
And then the ' Craven ' goes to Jones
Who 's patented a corset,
Although the shameless fellow owns
He don't know ' fresh ' from ' Dorset.' "
* « o e
I started up ; my blood ran chill.
What joy to wake and find
j That sleepy A Ima Mater still
Lags centuries behind !
That while she slumbers on, the flower
Of Britain's youth at college
May still improve the shining hour
Acquiring useless knowledge.
IT has recently become the custom
for officials in Public Libraries to erase
all betting information from the evening
Hence the phrase — " Official
110
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 17, 1904.
WOMEN I HAVE NEVER MARRIED.
in.
PKOPLE who understand the gist
Of BROWNING'S views on married life
Assert that, in his special list
Of requisites for man and wife,
He notes that each should have a different beut
And lie the other party's complement.
True that, in practice, Mrs. B.
(I will not say which had it worse)
Shared in a very marked degree
Her husband's fatal gift of verse ;
But still his published theory of Love
Lays down the principle I cite above.
Taking this golden rule for guide,
I, of the somewhat flippant vein,
Wanted a weighty sort of bride
To ballast my so buoyant brain ;
I felt that she, the woman I should wed,
Must be supremely serious in the head.
And such was GRACE. The heart divines
These natures by a second sight ;
And certain rather pointed lines,
Writ in her album, proved me right :
" Be good, sweet maid, and let who can be dever"-
And this, I saw, was her precise endeavour.
And yet our loves did not succeed ;
For, though her weight (I here refer
To moral worth) supplied my need,
I was a touch too light for her ;
Against the rules that regulate the love-tale
Our complementary tastes refused to dovetail.
She had a trick I could not bear ;
She tried (I might have known she would)
To trace, beneath my ribald air,
" Potentialities for good " ;
This was to be her future wifely role,
Namely, to extricate my lurking soul.
" The world may think you what it will,
But Love," she said, " has keener eyes,
And probes with nice, unerring skill
Beyond the formal crust, or guise ;
Under your thinnish coat of comic art
Crouches a grave, austere and noble heart ! "
She meant it well. She could not see —
Alas ! how seldom women can ! —
That Art, a sacred thing to me,
Must needs reflect the inner Man ;
That Humour's motley-wear could never hide
A\ hat she attributed to my inside.
And yet, to take the converse case,
If I had been a serious bard,
Would she, I ask, have had the face
To hint that Love's profound regard
Could penetrate the solemn outer sheath
And find the genuine mountebank beneath ?
Enough. She had to speak the word
That loosed my irritating bands ;
And, though my gallant tongue demurred,
And though I raised protesting hands,
A lofty resignation lit my face
The moment she had dealt her coup de GIHCF
6. S.
THE WHITE RABBIT.
CHAPTER HI.
The White Rabbit, speaks of his Origin and Ancestry.
"Mv father and mother," said the AVhite Rabbit, "were a
King and a Queen."
The remark was addressed to Eob, the Labrador, and Garni-
the black-and-white cat, who were sitting quite aniicablj
together outside the rails that barred their nearer approach
to the White Rabbit's hutch. Gamp, I must tell you, was the
house-cat, and Rob had been on intimate, not to say amiable,
tennis with her ever since the day when, as a young puppy,
he had made a reckless rush at her as she nursed one of her
numerous and recurring families under the kitchen table.
He had rushed back very quickly with his face thoroughly
well scratched, and from that moment he had respected the
indomitable Gamp. " No properly constituted dog," he was
often heard to say in later life, " ought ever to raise a paw in
anger against a lady, even if she happens to be a Cat."
You will remember that, on the occasion when Rob had
picked up the White Rabbit in his mouth and threatened to
devour him, the White Rabbit had in his terror declared that
he was a Prince in disguise. There is, I believe, no instance
known to history of a Prince in disguise who was eaten.
Since that day Rob had been very inquisitive, and had teased
the White Rabbit a good deal about his royal ancestry, but
the Rabbit had been haughtily reticent. To-day, however,
he seemed to be in a milder mood, and when Rob, who had
winked at the piebald Cat, began by saying, " About that
Prince in disguise, you know. Couldn't" you tell us some-
tiling?" the White Rabbit had immediately answered him:
"My father and mother," he said, "were a King and a
Queen."
" That doesn't carry us much further," observed the Cat
meditatively. " If you were a Prince, of course your father
and mother must have been a King and a Queen."
" Well, one must always begin at the beginning," pleaded
the White Rabbit.
"My dear Sir " the Cat began.
" Dear ivhat ? " interrupted the White Rabbit in an an TV
tone.
' ' Sir,' " said Rob. " She said it loud enough."
"I thought that was it," said the White Rabbit, " My
hearing is pretty good, I think."
"Your ears are certainly long," remarked Rob, but the
\\ hite Rabbit took no notice of the sarcasm, and went on :
" If she had been educated in the best society she would
have known"— he purposely ignored the Cat and spoke over
her head, as it were, at Rob—" she would have known, and so
would you have known, my black friend, that the son of a
King and a Queen is always addressed by those distant
acquaintances to whom he graciously grants an audience as
—ahem — your Royal Highness."
Having said this, he assumed an air of immense dignity
and looked up at the ceiling of his hutch as if Rob and Gamp
had entirely passed out of his mind.
" Humour him," whispered Rob to the Cat. " We 're sure
to have some fun."
The Cat winked slowly and almost invisibly at Rob, and
addressed the White Rabbit again :
"If," she said, "your Royal Highness "
" That 's better, Gamp," said the Rabbit. " You 're learning
manners, I 'm glad to notice."
"If your Royal Highness will deign to grant our request,
and will graciously relate to us the story of the unfortunate
accident by which you were changed from a Prince into a
V\ lute Rabbit, your two petitioners will ever pray "
"Nobody wants you to pray," said the White Rabbit
tartlv.
I'UXCH. OR THE T.OX1 H).\ [CHARIVARI. An-.rsr 17, ]'.«>!.
BUSINESS FIRST!
L.ON (to GRAND LLAMA). "YES, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MY FRIEND. YOU MAY GO AWAY
1HREL HUNDRED YEARS, IF YOU LIKE. BUT THIS HAS GOT TO BE SIGNED FIRST! "
AITOST 17, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
113
"ONLY TWO FEET AT THE WINDOW."
(Old Song adapted.)
Milkman (aghast, anxiously). " HULLO ! WOT 'a THAT ? "
Old Woman. " HISB ! OCR LODGER, JUST COME. OPEN-AIR OUEE ! "
" That 's always put in the petitions, anyhow," said Rob,
with an offended look.
" Ah," said the White Rabbit, " I daresay it is— now. But
it was different in my time, very different. Still, you both
mean well, and, that being so, I consent to tell you my sad
story."
He cleared his throat, washed his face twice with his foot,
and began :
" My father and mother were King and Queen of a large
and beautiful country called, if I remember rigbtly, Sablonia.
They inhabited a gorgeous palace, and were waited upon by
thousands of attentive courtiers robed in the costliest
garments and adorned with the most brilliant jewels. 'Their
wedded life had been a bappy one in every respect save one :
after twenty-five years of harmonious union they had no
children. My father's brother, the King of Plagiorosa, was,
under these 'Circumstances, the heir-presumptive to the
throne of Sablonia. His accession, however, was looked
forward to with the greatest horror by the people of Sablonia,
for he was a villain of the deepest dye, who always wore a
uniform composed of bright greens and yellows, and had
driven four wives into an early, or, as I should have said,
into four early graves by a studied course of cruelty and
neglect. One morning the King, my father —
It was fated, however, that the story should not be con-
cluded on this occasion. As the White Rabbit reached this
point, a footstep was heard approaching the hutch.
" Hist ! " said the White Rabbit, " it 's MABEL."
Rob tried to slink away, while the cat rolled over on her
back and made short purring sounds.
" Rob and Gamp," said a small voice, " how dare you
frighten my darling Bunbutter? Be off at once, both of you.
Shoo ! "
Rob and Gamp vanished, and the White Rabbit munched
a cabbage leaf industriously, with a perfectly innocent ex-
pression.
Our Dumb Pets.
NICE country home offered young lady or gentleman, with use ol
good poultry-runs. — Advt. in " The Lady.
We cannot help thinking that " young lady or gentleman "
sounds a little snobbish. It looks as if no application from
an ordinary barn-door fowl would be entertained.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, Aug.8.—
J W LOWTHER returns to Chair of Com-
mittees to-day with modest assumption
of nothing having recently happened.
Occasion for quick change presented
itself on Welsh Members refusing to
withdraw to division Lobby when, a
Division called, Chairman of Committees
commanded "Ayes to the right; Noes
to the left." Disobedience being a
statutory offence coming under Kule
DAKIEL COME TO JUDGMENT."
dealing with disorderly conduct, Chair-
man " named " the recalcitrants.
Next thing, according to order
of
The Chairman ot Committees (me D.I. Jiiui. o. •• . j^-.-,^-,, ^^^ «.-
few Members who have given trouble to the Deputy-Speaker (also, by a happy chance, the Kt.
Hon. J. W. L-wth-r !).
Yet in the family circle, and outside, it
is recognised that he has beaten the
record in the long and varied story of
Chairmen of Ways and Means.
4: On Friday, when the storm of Welsh
wrath flared up under PRINCE ARTHUR'S
insistence on closuring debate on Welsh
Coercion Bill, CHAIRMAN was in a position
analogous to that of GasaUanea at sea
under well-known painful circumstances.
Table turns round to SPEAKER seated 111
canopied Chair, and reports accordingly.
J W. LOWTHER, not being a bird, ob-
viously couldn't be standing at foot of
Chair and at the same moment be seated
in it. That a little difficulty that would
have nonplussed most men. J. W.
equal to it.
Quitting Chair of Committees he stood
for a moment by steps of Speaker's
Chair till Sergeant-at-Arms, advancing,
removed Mace from Table in sign that
House had resumed full sitting. Then,
seating himself for a moment in the
Speaker's Chair, he rose and in capacity
of DEPUTY - SPEAKER proceeded to deal
with the delinquents. It was expected
that in accordance with order of pro-
cedure PRINCE ARTHUR would at this stage
move the resolution suspending them
from the service of the House. Here
was fresh dilemma, momentarily forgot-
ten by the House, weighty in the mind
of DEPUTY-SPEAKER.
Standing Order No. 18, dealing with
order of Debate, remains in the fragmen-
tary state in which it was left three
sessions ago. Section 2, as it stood
when PRINCE ARTHUR made the last
effort to amend procedure, decreed
any Member be suspended under this
Order his suspension on the first occa-
sion sliall continue for one week, on the
second occasion for a fortnight, and on the
third or any subsequent occasion for a
month." Details were eliminated with
intention of making the Order more
stringent, and at this day the unfinished
window in Aladdin's Tower unfinished
doth remain. The section runs,
any Member be suspended under tins
The boy stood on the burning deck,
Whence all but he had fled.
Fled is not exactly the word to account
for the SPEAKER'S absence. That due to
indisposition which everyone, finding
him in the Chair to-day, is glad to know
was temporary. Nevertheless, J. W.
LOWTHER left solitary representative of
majesty and authority of the Chair.
The circumstances led to most farcical
incident ever played in high places in
the Commons. Time was when announce-
ment of " TOOLE in Three Pieces " charmed
the Provinces and filled the theatres.
Nothing compared with " LOWTHER in
Two Parts."
procedure, was to send for SPEAKER and
report incident ; whereupon Leader of
House, in accordance with Standing
Order, would move that offending Mem-
bers be suspended from service of
House.
But there was no SPEAKER available.
The Standing Order, like Habakkuk
capable de tout, provides for that emer-
gency. The Clerk at the Table having
announced the unavoidable absence of
Mr. SPEAKER, the Chairman of Ways and
tittees (the Et. Hon. 3. W. L-wth-r) reports his desire to suspend a Order his suspension on the first occa-
\. , -r-, . n i /I 1 1 nkk«<«AA *ViQ l-tt -, -T
sion — Afterwards is silence.
Consequence of suspension therefore
would be exclusion from House for in-
definite period. Case presented itself
when JOHN DILLON, taking a different view
of things from that clear to DON JOSE,
shortly stated his opinion "that die
right hon. gentleman is 'a liar." With
exemplary expedition, JOHN was named
and suspended. Discovery followed that
under the truncated Rule his exile would
last as long as the Parliament. Diffi-
culty awkwardly overcome by special
resolution.
DEPUTY-SPEAKER in Chair on Friday
faced by tremendous dilemma. If Mem-
bers named were suspended at instance
of Leader of House, PRINCE ARTHUR would
be placed in ludicrous position of having
to bring in special resolution to patch
up his own work. J. WT., keeping his
head amid a whirlwind of tumult, im-
pressively besought Welsh Members, for
sake of dignity of House, not to persist
in defiant conduct. Touched by this
™-~ ^. ^ j appeal, they in a body withdrew, accom-
of Ways and Means, reporting progress panied by main body of Opposition
or other business, leaves his chair at the | headed by AEQUITH.
Means becomes, ipso
SPEAKER. In dilemma
facto,
of the
DEPUTY-
moment
.
the Right Honourable J. W. LOWTHER,
Chairman of Ways and Means, must
report to the Right Hon. J. W. LOWTHER,
Deputy-Speaker, disorderly conduct on
part of Members named.
Here 's where the physical difficulty
came in. In ordinary cases Chairman
AMJI-ST 17, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
115
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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 17, 1904.
Members talking matters over to-day
more fully perceive and more warmly
acknowledge coolness and adroitness
with which J. W. avoided grave
dilemma.
Business done, — In Committee on
Army Estimates. ST. JOHN BBODBICK
regrets to find that AjfflOU>-F0*na's
scheme of Army reform meets with no
more favourable reception than did au
earlier one, in which figured six ghostly
Army Corps which SAKK said always re-
minded him of LONGFELLOW'S Beleaguered
City:—
I have read, in some old marvellous tale,
Some legend strange and vague,
That a midnight host of spectres pale
Beleaguered the walls of Prague.
No other voice nor sound was there,
No drum, uor sentry's pace ;
The mist-like banners clasped the air
As clouds with clouds embrace.
Tuesday.— Says Mr. CROOKS, mopping
his manly brow as he returned to his
seat after perambulating Lobby in tenth
division on Estimates, " Afore I was in
the 'Ouse I used to wonder why they
called passing Bills and the like legisla-
tion. Now I know. It's chiefly a
matter of legs."
Literally true about to-night s pro-
ceedings. Since two o'clock House been
in Committee of Supply ; greater part
afternoon occupied by discussion o1
trifling vote of £1,550 for National Art
Gallery in Edinburgh. STIRLING-MAXWELL
led off with prodigious harangue. Other
Scotch Members chimed in up to fourthly
and eke seventhly. What with Irish
and, of late, Welsh Members pale Scotia
doesn't often get a look in. Chance
gives her the floor this afternoon ; she
takes it, and holds it.
There await discussion votes for
millions; the aggregate a sum
£33,500,000, touching all points o
Imperial interest, Army, Navy, and
seven classes of Civil Service estimates
Period of discussion strictly limited. A
ten o'clock the abhorred shears of closur
will cut short the long-drawn thread o
talk.
What of that? Thirty-three and a
half millions can take care of themselves
Scotsmen will look after the penc
assigned with niggardly hand for main
tenance of Edinburgh National Ar
Gallery. So talk on by the hour. Thei
the postmen have a look in. When te:
o'clock strikes POSTMASTER-GENERAL o
his legs replying to demand for mor
wages and greater comfort. Chairma
of Committees inexorable. On stroke o
ten, he rises with cry of "Order ! Order !
and puts Question that vote be agree
to. STANLEY collapses. House proceec
to first of series of eleven divisions, an
for two hours by Westminster cloc
Members old and young, whole-hogger
ad half-hoggers, march round and
ound the lobbies.
When the last lap is complete, thirty-
hree and a-half millions of money,
rovided by the British tax-payer, are
[lotted to particular services, and not a
•ord uttered save the cries of " Aye," or
No," as the SPEAKER, puts the question.
Thus doth the Mother of Parliaments,
living dawdled through the vigorous
priug, wasted its opportunities in the
ipe summer, at the approach of autumn
nechanically grind out its apportioned
ask.
Business done.— Supply carried by
losure. Thirty-three and a-half millions
terling walked through in two hours.
file (late) Jubilee Plunger not in it with
lie staid House of Commons.
Fridaj/.-WiNSOME WINSTON naturally re-
pudiates a summary report of brief speech
nade by him in Debate on the Canard
ivision. One of the papers reported him
s interjecting the remark, " Rats ! "
"What I really did say," WTINSTON
xplains, " was ' Experience has dissi-
lated these predictions.
On the whole it must be admitted
hat compression, habitually desirable,
las in this case been carried a little too
'ar. Have always backed up RASCH in
iis crusade against long speeches. But
here must be some limit to shortening
them. What makes this attempt more
deplorable is the contrast between the
lippancy of the colloquialism and the
exceeding respectability of WINSTON'S
jhrase. It is not often he rises to such
ofty height. To old Members the
Dhrase suggests one of those copy-book
leadings with which, eighteen years ago,
Old Morality used to delight the House
of Commons. To have its lingering
syllables, by some strange misapprehen-
sion "crystallised," as Mr. WANKLYN
would say, into the monosyllable "Rats ! "
is discouraging.
Moreover, it suggests a new terror tc
Members subject to the process of re
porting. GEORGE HAMILTON, for example
discussing ARNOLD-FORSTER'S exposition
of his new army scheme described it as
" a series of crude observations." Here h
would have WINSTON'S special summary
writer supplying the word "Foodie! "
Business done. — Appropriation Bill.
Monday 15th. — Prorogation.
MR. PUNCH wishes deferentially to cal
the attention of the Cabinet to the
following advertisement displayed in the
neighboxirhood of Oxford Street : —
PATENT APPLIANCES
FOR THE
LAME.
Contractors to the Government.
IT is rumoured that Miss CORELLI'S arti
cle, " The Happy Life," is to have a nev
title — "How to be happy though MARIE.'
STRICTLY PRIVATE.
IN this page— in order to be in line
vith other papers for the English home
— Mr. Punch has arranged with Lady
/INOLIA VERB DE VERB to answer any
etters from readers dealing with affairs
f the heart, tangles in domestic life, or
points of etiquette. All communications
must be addressed to Lady VINOLIA VERE
E VERE, c/o Mr. Punch.
MABEL is badly in need of advice. " I
am engaged," she writes, " to a young
•nan with whom I agree on all subjects
xcept literature. But he reads and
idmires WILLIAM LE QUEUX, while in my
opinion the best living author is ANNIE S.
SWAN. Ought I to break off the match 9 "
No, MABEL, I do not counsel so extreme
i step. Surely you could effect a com-
>romise. Compromise is, you know, the
jil-can of life. You should try to meet
each other half way on common ground.
Say in the works of SILAS K. HOCKING.
"A month ago," unites ELZEVIR, "I
was presented by the author with a copy
of his new novel. Owing to* pressure of
other matters I have not had any chance
of reading it, and I am pledged to visit
the author next week. Is it better to
admit my culpability at once, or to read
several of the larger reviews of the book
and trust to luck when the author (who is
a headstrong, angry man) asks for my
opinion? "
The point is a nice one. All things
considered, if you cannot possibly get
out of the visit and are not disposed to
sit up all night and devour the book, I
think I should admit your fault, or could
you read a little and adroitly keep the
conversation entirelv to the first chapters?
Try.
"I have been invited," writes DOUBTFUL,
" to three funerals, all on the same day
and at the same time, but at different
cemeteries. What ought I to do?"
DOUBTFUL need not be seriously con-
cerned. He should ask -himself which
of the three bereaved families he most
desires to conciliate, and choose accord-
ingly. But if he has no preference in
the matter he would be wise to stay
away from all, lest any jealousy should
arise, and either remain at home or visit
some exhibition appropriate to the occa-
sion, such as the Chantrey Bequest col-
lection.
A short time ago three of ALGY'S girl
friends gave a party at the Welcome Club
to ivliicli all his set were invited but not
himself. How should he act, ho asks
towards them ? At present he is cutting
them dead, but this pains him very much
There is no doubt that you are the
victim of a conspiracy. But it is a
mistake to cut your friends ; it only
weakens your case. Your right course
AUGUST 17, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
117
Child (in 'berth of night steamer). " MUMMY, I 'M so SLEEPY.
Mother. "Bur YOU ABB in BED, DEAR."
Child. "No, I'M NOT. I'M IN A CHEST OF DRAWERS!"
I WANT TO GO TO BED."
of action should be to be oblivious of
any slight whatever. The next time you
meet smile a cynical, far-away smile, not
unmixed with disdain. You can practise
this before the glass. As a last resource,
you should give a party yourself and
carefully exclude the terrible three.
That will bring them to their senses.
ADOLESCENS is troubled because lie split
tlie claret at a dinncr-jxirty in Prince's
( !nle the other evening, at <i house to whit-h
he had not been inritrd before. What
should he do, he auks. Should he send
liis hostess a neic i-lot]i, or only a box of
Instantanee chocolate .'
I don't think I should send a table-
cloth if I were you, although it is true
that the sales are not quite over yet.
The chocolate would be better, but I
should not refer to the little accident.
A good hostess (as all are in Prince's
Gate) has enough tact to understand all
motives.
DISTRESS lias <i funn/'/cl/nt
problem to solve. On going to bal tin'
other crenimj, nflcr dining nt HVx/
Kensington, he found a silver spoon which
he must inadvertently have slipped into
his pocket. How should he act? Should
he casually lay it dmcn somewhere when
he pays liis duty call next Sunday, or
should he boldly return it with a facetious
note 9
It depends entirely upon the quality
of DISTRESS'S facetiousness. I cannot
tell until he supplies me with samples.
Meanwhile, my instinct suggests that he
had better return it furtively.
Are bridesmaids necessary at a iced-
ding, asks PHYIXIS ; and, if so, ichieh kind
do you recommend .'
Bridesmaids are, of course, not abso-
lutely necessary. One may be married
without them ; and it is cheaper for the
bridegroom. But they make an attrac-
tive show, and, if carefully chosen, can
be used very helpfully to throw the
bride into striking relief. It is impor-
tant that the bridesmaids should not be
so pretty as the bride. With this hint,
I think I may leave the matter to
PJIYLLIS'S own discretion. LADY VIXOI.IA.
THE NEW BANNS.
TIIK file of the Times some daily peruse
Right through — some read it in
snatches ;
But all of us glance at least at the news
Of "Hatches, Matches, Despatches.''
Since Midsummer Day our Premier Print
Supplies more personal patches ;
The opening columns boldly display
Betrothals, alias " Catches."
In similar guise, are gossips to learn
About less roseate batches,
When breaches of promise come in their
turn,
Profanely headed as "Scratches?"
An Old Story Re-told.
(After N. E. Lanark.)
First Meenister (A. J. B.). We must
gie it iip, Alfred.
Second Meenister (A.'L.\ What, gie
up gowff ?
First Meenister. Nae, nae, mon. Clio
up the meenistry.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[AUGUST 17, 1904
RECRIMINATION.
Irate Trainer (to Apprentice, who IMS just loot a race). "MADE YE WORK TOO 'ARD, DID I? NOT FEELING VERY WELL, WERE YE? BE
QUITE FIT BY DONCASTER, WILL YE? You'li BE ABOUT FIT TO 'AND ROCSD CAKE AT A OAT-SHOW, Y( LL .
VOCAL POLITICS.
SIGNOR TAMAGNO, the famous tenor,
who has recently entered the arena of
politics, is contesting a seat at Turin on
entirely new lines. " Without troubling
to dispute the arguments of his oppo-
nent, Signer TAMAGNO has decided to
sing an arm from his opera repertory at
every meeting in which he takes part."
We understand, from inquiries at
the Liberal and Unionist headquarters,
that it has been decided to adopt this
method at the next general election in
this country, and that the list of candi-
dates and songs includes the following :
Mr. CHAMBERLAIN : " Sing a Song of
Fourpence-halfpenny," " Lend me your
Aid," " Sing no more of Dumps so dull
and heavy."
Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL : " Largo al
factotum."
Mr. JESSE COLLINGS : " The Toreador's
Song" and the " Ranz des Vaches."
Dr. MACNAMARA (in addressing audiences
the Housing and Sanitation ques-
011
tions) : " Salve, dimora casta e pura."
TO AN AMAZON.
[Al a recent glove-fight between FiTzSiMMONS
and JACK O'BRIEN, at Philadelphia, the greater
and more enthusiastic part of the audience was
composed of women.]
BEDELIA, 'neath your tiny boot
My throbbing heart I throw :
Oh, deign to smile upon my suit-
Presumptuous, I know.
My income is not large, it 's true,
Of wealth I 'm quite bereft :
But still — this must appeal to you —
I 've such a pretty left.
1 never read romantic books,
No verge can I recite ;
I only know the jabs and hooks
That go to win a fight :
I cannot sing nor dance with grace,
But oh ! I know the punch
That takes the victim on the place
Where he has stowed his lunch.
I 've loved you ever since the night
(Which I remember still !)
When I put up that eight-round fight
With Colorado BILL.
How well I recollect, my own,
The soothing words you said,
" Leave the gazebo's wind alone,
And swat him on the head ! " .
I 'm but a worm compared to you,
But still, I beg to state,
I 've licked the world at ten stone two,
Which is my fighting weight.
And if you will but marry me,
BEDELIA, then perhaps
My second I will let you be
In all my future " scraps."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— AUGUST 17, 1904.
A MIXED BAG.
(October, 1903, to August, 1904.)
RIGHT HON. ARTH-R B-LF-R. " WHAT 'S THE BAG ? "
DONALD McPt-NOH. " YE 'VE JUST GOT ONE BIRD, BUT " — (encouragingly) — " YE 'VE HUR-R-T
SEVERAL OF THE GENTLEMEN."
AUGUST 17, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
121
GENIUS AT PLAY.
NOTHINQ is BO engaging as the spec-
tacle of the great when they deign to
unbend. Impressed, therefore, with the
answers furnished by prominent actors
and actresses to the Duili/ Mall's request
for their views on " The Ideal Holiday,"
Mr. Punch has cast the net a little wider,
with results which he has great pleasure
in now laying before his readers: —
FROM LETTERS TO LIONS.
Paradoxical as it may seem, my great
ambition, though unfortunately I have
never yet been able, owing to the burden
of literary work, to carry it into execu-
tion, is to spend a long holiday lion-
hunting in Somaliland. It is true tha
I have done very little big game shoot
ing, but during my lecturing tour in
America 1 hud several days' excellen
pig-sticking in the Yosemite Valley with
a party of Baconians from Chicago, anc
I feel sure that with practice I could hii
anything, possibly a Mad Mullah. Fail-
ing lions, however, I am obliged to
content myself with birds. The other day
I shot a wild swan of Avon measuring
14 feet from tip to tip of its extendec
wings. Next to shooting, I like polo
and poker, and find a round or two witl;
the fire-irons does me a world of good.
SIDNEY LEE.
ALL THE TALENTS AT SEA.
My ideal holiday would be spent on
a yacht cruising in the Mediterranean
with a party comprising the most dis-
tinguished men and women of the day
If it were necessary to reduce the num-
ber to a round dozen, I should choose
COUNT TOLSTOI, MR. GEORGE ROBEY, M.
and MME. CUHIE, MR. CHAMBERLAIN, PRINCE
RANJITSINHJI, MRS. EDDY, the DALAI LAMA,
Admiral Toco, the Infant Czarevitch,
the German Emperor, and MR. SARGENT.
With such a galaxy of representatives
of religion, science, politics, war, art
and pastime, life would never be dull for
an instant, and many, if not all, of the
burning problems of the day might be
solved by the contact of so many com-
manding intellects. Think of the inter-
views, the symposia, the concerts, the
private theatricals ! HAROLD BEGBIE.
BATHING FOR BARDS.
Ever since I was a tiny trot I have
loved the sea, and enjoyed wallowing in
.ts balmy depths. If I were not Poet
Limvate I would be MONTAGU HOLBEIN.
Otherwise the best holiday for a bard is
undoubtedly to abstain from the Pierian
spring for a short period, after which
lis thirst becomes all the more raging.
After such abstinence, I find that I
compose with extraordinary facility and
•an find rhymes for almost anything.
ALFRED AUSTIN.
A DISTINCTION.
First Gourmet. " THAT WAS Ms. DOBBS I JUST NODDED TO."
Second Gourmet. "I KNOW."
First O. "HE ASKED ME TO DINE AT HIS HOUSE NEXT THURSDAY— BUT I CAN'T. EVEB DINED
AT DOBBS'S?"
Second 0. " No. NEVER DMBD. BUT I 'VE BEEN THERE TO DINNER ! "
THE WEARY GLADIATOR.
To me the ideal holiday involves, as
.ts prune essentials, emancipation from
iterary labours, the tyranny of pastime,
ind the attentions of the photographer.
These conditions, so far as I can make
out, are best secured in Spain, when-
newspapers come out at irregular inter-
vals and the interest in cricket and foot-
sail is so infinitesimal that they identify
'' the Great CHARLES " with CHAHIJSMAGNE,
in obsolete mediaeval potentate. If,
.herefore, I should ever be in a position
o retire from first-class cricket and
discard the use of the fountain-pen, I
contemplate a withdrawal to the land of
DON QUIXOTE, where, amid the master-
pieces of VELASQUEZ, I propose to spend
my life in cultured indolence, unless,
indeed, I am tempted to adopt the
exciting and, I believe, highly remunera-
tive career of the toreador.
C. B. FRY.
THE SIMPLE LIFE.
The most important element in re-
creation, as a great doctor has said, is
surprise. Hence, a holiday, to be really
health-giving and refreshing, should be
122
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 17, 1904.
passed in 'unfamiliar surroundings and
under novel conditions. If one lives as
a rule in the mid-stream of culture and
civilisation, the best way of taking a
holiday is to find out some unfrequented
backwater, to bury oneself in a lodge in
the wilderness, where newspapers are
unknown and the trumpeting of the
wild elephant replaces the snort of the
Mercedes. Acting on this sound princi-
ple, I have decided to pass a month
every year in the strictest seclusion in
some wholly inaccessible region, dis-
pensing with all the adjuncts of civilisa-
tion, and living solely on berries and
roots washed down by Nature's rill.
ALFRED HARMSWORTH.
THE HUSTLER'S PARADISE.
Obscurity, quiet, and contemplation
best fulfil my ideal of the perfect
holiday. A hammock on Holy Island,
paddling on the sands, an occasional game
of ping-pong with Professor HEWINS or
Mr. LEO MAXSE — these afford the best
relaxation for a modern " hustler."
C. ARTHUR PEARSON.
SILENCE GIVES CONTENT.
My notion of a perfect holiday is based
on the principle that nothing is so good
for a man as a complete change. I
should like best of all to spend three
months in a Trappist Monastery ; failing
that, to write a novel in collaboration
with my American namesake.
WINSTON CHURCHILL.
THE BREAK-UP OF THE EMPIRE.
THE theory that our future Waterloos
will more than ever be won and lost on
the playing-fields of the Empire is daily
gaining a wider acceptance, and the
following forecast of the leading events
of the next few years only faintly reflects
the anticipations of those who are best
qualified to appreciate the growth of
what is known as the Sporting Peril : —
1904.
All-England team defeats South Africa
at Cape Town in December. (MACLAREN
150, not out, BOSANQUET 13 wickets for
08 runs.)
Cape Parliament demands the im-
peachment of BOSANQUET.
Dr. RUTHERFOORD HARRIS gathers three
hundred conspirators at Westminster
Palace Hotel, and organises a raid in
hansoms on Lord's Cricket Ground.
Annihilation of the " raiders " owing
to local authorities having all streets in
St. John's Wood up simultaneously.
South Africa declares itself an inde-
pendent Republic — KOTZE, the demon
bowler, first President.
Three Army Corps sent to South
Africa.
Sir HENRY CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN makes
sensational speech, hinting at suborna-
tion of umpires by British Government,
stating that BOSANQUET'S action was
doubtful, and that MACLAREN was really
caught in the slips before he scored.
Publication of The Rights of Umpires,
by HUGH TRUMBLE.
Lord ROSEBERY appeals to the nation
to sink minor difficulties and rally round
the M.C.C.
Owing to the exigences of the Army
Cup Ties, troops recalled from South
Africa and the independence of the
Republic recognised.
1905.
First Australian Test Match at the
Oval. TRUMPER scores 213. STRUDWICK
lynched by crowd for missing him at
the wicket when he had only scored a
single.
Vote of censure on VICTOR TRUMPER
carried in the House of Commons by
530 votes to 62—" That this House con-
siders that the conduct of Mr. TRUMPER
in remaining at the wicket when he
was morally out is most reprehensible
and detrimental to the best interests of
the Empire and the gate."
Secession of Australia. King VICTOR
THE FIRST proclaimed by acclamation.
Publication of Mr. FRY'S great work,
Empire-Makers I Have Known, with a
Note on Leg Break Bowling.
1906.
Canadian Lacrosse team defeats Eng-
land by 16 goals to nil.
Canada offered to the States by the
English Government on condition that
KING, the Philadelphian bowler, qualifies
for Middlesex.
England defeats Scotland by two
goals to one at Association Football.
Mr. WEIR calls a united meeting of
Scotch County Councillors and Baillies
to consider the legitimacy of BLOOMER'S
winning goal.
QUINN, the Celtic centre-forward,
crowned at Holyrood. Mr. WEIR, the
first Premier of Scotland.
England defeats Ireland by two goals
and a try to a dropped goal at Rugby
football.
Forty thousand cattle mutilated, and
the Lord - Lieutenant hamstrung in
Grafton Street.
Irish Republic proclaimed. " TAY
PAY " elected first President.
"TAY PAY" declines office owing to
literary engagements in London.
British Government introduces a Bill
to alter rule relating to leg before wicket.
Rising in Yorkshire. King HAWKE
proclaimed. First official act to send an
Ultimatum to Old Trafford.
Publication of Mr. WARNER'S sensa-
tional pamphlet, Ash or Cash — a vindi-
cation of the financial policv of the
M.C.C.
British Empire reduced to Lord's and
the Oval.
THE "PETER MAGNUS" POSTCARD.
IT was certainly most happily thought-
ful on the part of the Messrs. TUCK to
have provided a widely-varied assortment
of post-cards, the backs of which, for
picturesque effect, may be said to rival
"the Backs" of Cambridge. Some of
these illustrations are grave, some are
gay, some in colours, some simply photo-
graphs, but in all of them the space
allowed for the verba seripta, at the
side of the address, is reduced to a mini-
mum, thus offering a chance of putting
in practice that excellent precept, " the
less said the better." This is one recom-
mendation for them, and another is
that the sender of these pictorial post-
cards, having nothing of a particularly
private character to say (over the value
of one halfpenny), may congratulate him-
self on the opportunity thus afforded
him of amusing his friends with much
the same facility as earned for Mr. Peter
Magnus the approbation of Mr. Pickwick,
who, it may be remembered, "rather
envying the ease with which Mr. Magnus's
friends were entertained," expressed his
opinion that this epistolary humour on
the part of Mr. Peter Magnus, in signing
himself ' Afternoon ' instead of ' P. M.,'
" was calculated to afford his friends
the highest gratification." Had Messrs.
TUCK been Bozicrucians they would most
certainly have entitled their new pictorial
post-cards " The ' Peter Magnns ' Series."
The "Trust and Paid Tor"
Recommendation.
First R.A. (to Brother Brush). What
do you think of the report of the Chan-
trey Commission?
Brother Brush, R.A. The "Crewe"
Junction, eh ? Well, as the refrain of a
popular comic song had it, " Not much."
First R.A. The Academy is left in
statu quo.
B. B. Yes. Some benefit may result
to the sculptors.
First R.A. We Ve got to discover the
very best pictures.
B. B. We always had. There 's the
difficulty. Ars est celare artem.
[Exeunt severally.
FORECAST METEOROTHEATRICAL. — The
spell of fine weather is nearly over. It
is to be followed by The Tempest at His
Majesty's. How long this will last is
uncertain ; but when it has passed,
only two TREES, daughter and parent
stem, will be left.
The Decline of Sport.
BEDFORDSHIRE. Partridge shooting over about
3,000 acres, affording bag of about 200 acres.
Advt. in " Times."
It always used to be a rule for good
sportsmen to "replace the turf."
AtnuJT J7, 1904.]
PUNCH, Oil THK LONDON C1IAIU VARI.
123
124
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 17, 1904.
WHILE the readers of the Daily Tele-
graph are discussing the evils of early
marriages, the DALAI LAMA is enduring
the inconvenience of a YOUNGHUSBAND.
The Southampton football team, which
has just returned home from South
America, had a curious experience at
Monte Video. While they were playing
a local team, a few
miles off a revolu-
_tion was going on.
Such events are re-
latively so normal
in these parts that
many spectators left
the revolution to
watch the match.
CHARIVARIA.
sight which (we are informed) is such
an annoying feature of the ailment.
" The most suitable present to newly-
married people," said Dr. DANFORD
THOMAS at an inquest, " is a cot. If
more cots were used fewer infants would
be suffocated." While agreeing with
the learned Coroner, we think that his
There are signs
that Eussia is al-
ready becoming
civilised. Accord-
ing to a telegram,
" The man, sup-
posed to be a
Japanese, who was |
arrested near Mos-
cow for sketching
a railway bridge,
turns out to be a
Korean. As no
offence could be
proved against him,
he has been set at
liberty." Previously
this excuse had not
always availed.
There is no satis-
fying some politi-
cians. Mr. WILL
CROOKS, not content
with free food, is
now asking for free
railway tickets.
A.n the discussion
on the problem of
empty churches so
many admirable
reasons for non-
attendance have
been produced that
known drinker who declares that the
title is a misnomer. To his great dis-
gust he had to pay on the spot, the same
as at any other house.
Officers of the Regular Army would
like it to be known that the Colonel who
was lifted off his feet by the wind at
Conway, and carried to a considerable
. distance, was
Volunteer officer.
THE DUET.
Fond Mather (to Young Hopeful, who has leen sent upstairs to a room by himself as a
punishment). "You CAN COME DOWN now, JACK?." J
Young Hopeful. "CAN'T. I 'BE SINGING A DUET ! "
a number of hitherto regular attendants
are now said to be wavering.
It is not only clergymen who are com-
plaining of the poor patronage that is
bestowed on the churches nowadays.
Some South London burglars who broke
into a church discovered only 2§d. in
the poor-box.
A Chicago oculist declares that alco-
holism can be cured by properly fitted
eye-glasses. It should be possible this
way anyhow to overcome the double
scheme if widely supported might cause
inconvenience in some of the more
limited apartments where wedding gifts
are exposed.
A school of porpoises was recently
driven up a creek in the Blackwater,
and became subject to the new Educa-
tion Act as administered by the Essex
County Council.
The fact that a new Trust Public
House has been opened at Park Royal
has called forth a protest from a well-
An event of pro-
found historical in-
terest will take
place on August 24.
On that date Lord
ANGLESEY'S ping-
pong suit will be
offered for sale by
auction.
Eastbourne's
Town Council has
forbidden local
allotment-holders to
dig in their gardens
on Sunday. If they
want amusement,
there are the public-
houses.
The KAISER has
stated that a recur-
rence of the Herero
risings will be im-
possible, for he
proposes to take
stern measures to
prevent such out-
breaks. This is
supposed to fore-
shadow a distribu-
tion of imperial
busts among
natives.
the
When everyone
is crying out "Phy-
sical Degeneration,"
it is pleasant to
read that, at Birken-
head, some burglars
have carried off
from a furniture shop a safe weighing
two hundredweight.
The Secretary of the British Dental
Association has proposed that a dentist-
shall be attached to each Board School.
At present the most severe punishment
that may be inflicted is a birching.
IT seems that the defeated candidate at
the N.E. Lanark Election was not very
disappointed. He had all along suspected
that it was a case of TOUCH and go.
17,
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
125
THE TEMPI. I! -SEA VIEW." THE ARK. THE MERMAIDS' HAUNT.
(.1 few Artistic Xii'it/exl'iuns adapted to Modern I'atliimj Vans.)
TARIFF TALES.
2. From "The Doom of Ihe
Dumped Bevctoer" by Guy Boothby.
"HA!" said the Count, twirling his
inou-tac-lie, "and so this the business
was that caused your absence, Sir
VAM>KI.EUR! Donnerwetter ! Saprlsti!
Corpo di Bacco ! "
With a sardonic laugh he viewed his
terror-struck companions. Before them,
stretched across the road, lay the mur-
Jovr/ form of WILLIAM SNOOKSON. Sir
MILKS VANDELEUR gave an involuntary
groan, and the beauteous features of
A3GELA DE COURCY grew pale as a
Madonna lily. Only the stern face of
General BRATHWAITE revealed no emotion.
"Your evidence?" he said briefly to
tin' ( 'mint.
" Evidence ? Hem ! Evidence there
is plenty ! Who quarrelled with the
so-much-to-be-lamented SNOOKSON but
two days since? Who swore that he
would take of the vengeance the most
terrible? Who before breakfast a walk
aliroad made? Parbleu ! Not of saga-
city much needs one to show that Sir
V VMIKLEOR is the criminal ! "
" Your defence, Sir MILES?" asked the
other, as abruptly as before.
Sir MILES VANDELEUR shook his head.
"I have none, General. Appearances
.ainst me, although 1 never raised
iii\ hand to do this foul deed."
" I believe you, dear MILES ! " cried
ANGELA, throwing her arms about his
neck. "Nothing shall shake my faitli
in you! Oh, General, do not send for
tlie police without further inquiry ! "
The General smiled, but not unkindly.
"Poor child!" he said. "Every
tradition of romance compels me to give
your lover into custody. If you ask me
why T receive the testimony of this sus-
piciously polyglot Count, rather than
believe a gentleman whom certainly one
woidd not have suspected of murder — if
you ask me this, I say, I must refer you
to Mr. GUY BOOTHBY. All I can tell you
is that it's the invariable rule in this
kind of story. Of course, if you have
any evidence, beyond your personal con-
victions, to offer —
" I have ! I have ! " exclaimed ANGELA,
who, during this rather prosy speech,
had been examining the body of the
murdered man. " Look, General, look !
Six revolver bullets have been fired at
him. What does that prove? "
The General made no reply.
" Oh, how stupid you are ! It pi'oves
MILES to be innocent ! Yes, I will con-
vince you in a minute ! You know that
dear MILES is a staunch Tariff-reformer ?
I thought so —and of course he supports
British - made goods. But WILLIAM
SNOOKSON was never shot with a British-
made weapon. How do I know it ?
Because in that case one bai-rel would
have done the business ! No, his assassin
used some inefficient, cheap, foreign-made
revolver, dumped into this country — a
thing MILES could never do ! "
" Gad, there 's something in that,"
admitted the General. "It seems to
with a sudden abandonment of his
foreign accent, " guess it 's about time
to quit ! " and in five seconds he had
untethered his horse, leapt into the
saddle, and disappeared beyond the hill.
me
" Bah ! " the Count interrupted, his
face strangely pale, " stuff of the most
tomfoolislmess she talks ! "
With the quickness of lightning
ANGELA turned upon him.
" Now I understand ! " she cried.
" Now I know who slew poor SNOOKSON.
General, who is famous for praising
foreign goods on account of their cheap-
ness ? Who is a member of the Cobden
<'lnl>? Whose real -name — is— HENRY—
JUDKINS?"
"Crikey!" sail the pseudo Count,
IDIOMATIC PHRASES FOR TOURISTS.
AT this period of the year, when the
Alpine season may be said to be in full
swing, we havo pleasure in offering to
our readers a few examples of conversa-
tional phrases in common use at foreign
hotels ; not German, French or Italian
phrases — for these tongues may safely be
disregarded — but English as employed
by travelling English people : —
(i.) We so much prefer a rest in some
quiet spot. Means: We are too badly
hit over Kaffirs for the expensive places
this year.
(ii.) We have been fortunate in meet-
ing most charming people. Means : You
see, we are so charming ourselves.
(iii.) I find my few words of German
quite a help. Means : My accent is
remarkably pure.
(iv.) One has always heard that .
Means : I saw it in Baedeker.
N.B. — The substitution of "one" for
"I," as in above instance, has the
double force of (a) an indefinite
pronoun, (b) an indication of
culture.
(v.) I suppose you have been doing a
lot of climbing. Means : I want an
opening to talk about my own.
(vi.) No use making a toil of a pleasure.
Means : My waist is not what it was.
(vii.) We were most comfortable every-
where. Means : We only go to the best
hotels.
(viii.) You must look us up on your
return to England. Means — Nothing.
126
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 17, 1904.
TABLE MANNERS.
WHERE THE MONEY IS.
[It is stated that there is depression in every profession and trade
with one exception, viz., there is a boom in lawn-mowers.]
Mr. Punch's Itinerant Economist has just concluded a tour
throughout the United Kingdom, and laid his evidence to-
day before the Tariff Commission now sitting at The Office
in Bouverie Street. He reports that :--
Where formerly people subsisted by taking in each other's
•washing, they now maintain themselves and their families by
reciprocally mowing garden grass-patches. It is supposed
that there is a subtle connection between the two occupa-
tions, laundresses having probably suggested lawn-dressing.
This happy thought is said to have occurred to the washer-
woman of an episcopal household.
Grass is now growing in the streets of Birmingham,
Manchester, Liverpool and other provincial business centres,
and it is rumoured in the City that Lloyd's and the Stock
Exchange, seeing where the money lies, have laid in a large
stock of Poa nemoralis seed, which is to be shortly scattered
around the alleys of Cornhill
and Lothbury and in front of
the Royal Exchange. Strin-
gent precautions will be taken
against predatory pigeons.
" Park pests," who have con-
templated leaving their haunts
in the West for the fresh green
of the newly-formed Kaffir
Pleasaunce, have been simi-
larly warned off. The "City
Sward" is to be the London
municipal emblem of the
future. A handful of the
same will be presented by the
Lord Mayor at Temple Bar on
the occasion of His MAJESTY'S
next visit.
There are woeful tales of a
slump in the book market.
The only books at all asked
for are Lawna Doone, The
Sowers, A King's Ransom,
and A Grass Widow.
Undeterred by his failure
to tree the Giant Sloth in Patagonia, Mr. HESKETH PRICHARD
is organising an expedition for the purpose of ascertaining, at
the close of the cricket season, whether the Dinornis or Moa of
New Zealand is really as extinct as it is reported to be. Mean-
while, he continues daisy-cutting with success for his county.
Lawn-mowing scholarships are to be competed for this
month at Oxford and Cambridge, the turf in the college
courts and Fellows' gardens being eminently suited for
such exhibitions. Unsuccessful candidates are no longer
"ploughed," but "mown." The career of NEBUCHADNEZZAR
has of late received some attention from the occupants of the
University pulpit, where also the popularity of the text, "All
flesh is grass," maybe taken to indicate the trend of academi-
cal thought during the past horticultural term.
The Prime Minister, the public will be glad to note, is
among those who are responsible for the supremacy of Great
Britain in this one industry. He has recently given up
regular golf and taken to cropping his favourite greens with
a combination rotary-putter. This wonderful little machine,
which does not hail from Schenectady, U.S.A., produces a
surface of billiard-table smoothness prior to propelling the
ball into the hole. j are brilliant flashes of description
In view of this accumulation of evidence, there can be no here and there, and snatches of
doubt now as to What To Do With Our Sons or Ourselves. We i interesting dialogue which mo-
must all turn gardeners, and revert to the profession of Adam. ' mentarily arrest the attention
Father Pelican (reprovingly). "How
DISTINCTLY WITH YOUR MOCT1I FULL?"
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
Mr. HENRY FROWDE, of the Oxford University Press, is
issuing what he calls the Florin Series of standard authors.
The volumes will be twelve in number, including SHAKSPEAEE,
BUNYAN, Mrs. BROWNING, BURNS, BYRON, LONGFELLOW, MILTON,
SCOTT, TENNYSON, WHITHER, WORDSWORTH, and BOSWELL. The
last comprises the immortal Life of Johnson, which, running
into 1416 pages, by exception fills two volumes. Shakspeare,
complete with glossary, packed in 1272 pages, and Wordsworth,
just topping a thousand, beautifully printed and bound
in cloth, are each in one volume and cost two shillings. How
it is done for the money is Mr. FROWDE'S secret. For the
public it suffices to make the most of the opportunity.
The fifth volume of that rich and rare work, the Woburn
Series of Natural History (HUTCHINSON) is devoted to ex-
haustive study of British Salt Water Fishes. It is written
by Mr. AFLALO, Mr. II. B. MARSTON contributing a chapter on
the artificial culture of sea fish. " Fishes," says the learned
author, " may be described
as full-blooded, back-boned
animals that live in water."
My Baronite knows some ani-
mals fulfilling these conditions
who live out of water. But
that is neither here nor there,
as the 'busman said when he
drove over the bishop's hat
in Victoria Street. Since the
supply of sole is being gradu-
ally exhausted by the trawler,
it is pleasing to be assured
that the revolving years bring
discovery of fresh edible fish
within British waters. It will
always be hard to beat the
sole — fresh, not too large,
simply fried, accompanied by
a dish of new potatoes. To
experts this handsome volume,
illlustrated by coloured plates
reproducing with lifelike accu-
racy the appearance of the fish,
will be a special delight. The
CAN YOU EXPECT TO SPEAK
pleasure will be shared in degree by unlearned persons like my
Baronite, who till he read it did not know that in the depths
of fatherly devotion both the pipe-fish and the sea-horse, left at
home to guard the eggs whilst mother has gone to market,
carry them about in a pouch or fold of the skin. What husband
among bipeds would do anything analagous to that ?
Personelle, by VALENTLNA HAWTREY (JOHN LANE), is a jerkily-
written novel which promises well at the commencement. The
Baron could only manage to struggle through a confused
crowd of mediaeval nobodies, pushing them aside, this way and
that, in order to come up with
the heroine, for whom, on his in-
troduction to her, he had con-
ceived so strong a liking that in-
deed it was a case of love at first
sight. Her story, as far as the
Baron can make it out, seems to
have been a sad one, of a conven-
tional type, but with a somewhat
unconventional ending. There
THE
DE
AUGUST 24, 1'MM.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
RESPICE FTNEM.
IT was a beautiful
afternoon, with just
enough breeze and
cloud to chequer a
bright emerald sea
with bands of purple
shadow. I was loung-
ing in the verandah
after lunch, wailing
lor. los] THINK. I had,
indeed, bepn SO occu-
pied for the greater
part, of an hour.
The boat had been
ordered for 2.30.
Down on the jetty I
could see BILGE hang-
ing on to her with a
boathook, from time
to time scratching his
head through the top
of his cap as he
glanced up at the
house. It was past
three o'clock.
I rose, and knock-
ing the ashes out of
my pipe began to
refill it. One pipe
is my allowance after
lunch, and I found
myself blaming
SITIIIM: for caus-
ing me to exceed it.
was utterly at a
loss to account for
her non-appearance.
had known her to
take as much as five
iind twenty minutes
to put on a hat, but
that was usually on
Sundays. To equip
herself for an hour's
sail could in no way
that I could imagine
entail elaborate pre-
paration.
Poor BILGE was
still keeping an eye
on me as I stood
smoking upon the
steps in front of the
bouse,
signal.
inns after the manner of the coastguard
J could have assured him that patience
was a virtue, or that all tilings come to
those who know how to wait, or con-
veyed to him indeed any of the exas-
perating adages appropriate to the
iccasion. But, doubting the capacity
of the code as a consoler as well as my
own as a semaphore, I contented myself
with shaking my hand in the air like a
schoolgirl seeing a train off. It was
nly meant to cheer him up a bit, but
observed that lie immediately pulled
fbuct down here , l^r. (ii\e& ?
GiU5.(e>nbam>as.ca.dfcf 6eeki»>($ in
jrpm his ngidhtour.)
(End of LaHy MaWs Effort}
He was evidently expecting a
I wished that by waving my
down the sail, and proceeded to make
the Flying Fish fast at her moorings
again.
I groaned, and ran into the hall.
" JOSEPHINE ! " I shouted, though I
knew how futile it was to attempt to
hurry her, " it 's after half-past three !
BILGE thinks we don't want the boat."
"Why?" asked a calm, far-away voice
from the upper regions.
I did not answer. I — let us say,
groaned again, and going back to my
deck-chair in the verandah threw myself
therein.
Ten minutes later JOSEPHIKE emerged.
To the eye of a mere male there was
absolutely nothing in her toilet to justify
the delay. She proceeded to look me
over from top to toe. I could not trust
myself to speak.
"EUSTACE," she said peremptorily,
" you 've got a big hole in the heel of
your sock. Qo and change them, dear."
" What on earth," I exploded, " does
it matter in a boat? Whatever have you
been doing all this time ? "
" Having a bath," she replied quietly ;
" we may both be drowned, you know.
And, EUSTACE, I shouldn't like you to be
found with that hole in vour sock."
VO OXXVH.
128
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 24, 1904.
WOMEN I HAVE NEVER MARRIED.
IV.
SHE was a phantom of delight,
One of those rare elusive things
Detained this side the Ewigkeit
Through temporary want of wings ;
Our world was not her proper place,
Rather she seemed a priceless relic
Of Faerieland's enchanted grace,
She was so birdlike, so angelic.
I often wondered what she ate ;
She looked as though she lived on air,
Or, if she fed from off a plate,
Would only touch ambrosial fare ;
No man that dealt in butcher's meat
Had ever been allowed to victual
With stuff we common mortals eat
A form so exquisitely brittle.
Such were my views when first I fell,
In salad days still fairly green,
Beneath the spiritual spell
Of my unearthly EMMELINE ;
She had on me a marked effect :
Each moment spent in gazing at her
Tended to make me more select,
And purge my soul of grosser matter.
And yet a fear assailed my mind ,
When I reviewed my purposed vows,
Whether a being so refined
Would make a good domestic spouse ;
Would she, as fits a faithful wife
(The thought already left me thinner),
Count it her chief concern in life
To see that I enjoyed my dinner ?
She whom (I guessed) a currant bun
Sufficed for hunger's faint appeals —
A\ ould she respect, when we were one,
My prej udice for decent meals ?
Anxious for some assuring sign
To clinch my hesitating passion,
I asked my angel out to dine
At London's first resort of Fashion.
She came. She passed a final word •
Upon the bisque, the Mornay sole,
The poulet (said she thought the bird
Shewed at its best en casserole) ;
She found the parfalt " quite first-rate,"
Summed up the chef as "rather handy,"
Knew the Lafitte for '88,
And twice encored a fine old brandy.
I own I felt an inward pain,
When she put off her seraph airs,
TD find I had to entertain
An earthly angel unawares ;
I merely asked her there to test
Her aptness for a wifely calling,
And never dreamed that she possessed
A special knowledge so appalling !
Frankly, she went a shade too far.
It was a shock — I feel it still —
To learn that what I deemed a star
Was just an ember off the grill !
Well, twenty years or so have gone,
And now I meet her (ah ! the pity !),
A puffy matron serving on
The " New Amphitryon Club " Committee.
0. S.
"WILLIE BRUE'D A PECK"- —0' NONSENSE.
Sergeant Brue, a musical farce at the Prince of Wales's
Theatre, plot and libretto by OWEN HALL, with lyrics by J.
H. WOOD, music by Madame LIZA LEHMANN, and played by
Mr. FRANK CUEZON'S capital company, having had but an
indifferent start at the Strand Theatre, is now pursuing a
most successful course at the Prince of Wales's. It seems
a pity that an idea so original as this, on which the nonsensical
piece is founded, should not have been dramatically worked
out and artistically developed into a genuine comedy of real
life. " Instead of which," as the magistrate said, its striking
opportunities are frittered away in songs and dances of a well-
known type, and in utterly extravagant yet always amusing
absurdities, where there is always plenty of rhyme but very
little reason. In spite of his extravagances, Mr. EDOUIN, as the
policeman who has suddenly succeeded to a large property,
keeps up the character throughout, except when he appears
as a most finished dancer, an art in which it is most impro-
bable that a flat-footed, stiff-jointed policeman could ever have
shone.
The First Act, as far as Mr. EDOUIN'S Policeman Brue is
xmcerned, is a domestic comedy that, but for the nonsensical
singing and dancing, might have been the commencement of
a really good play. Here Mr. EDOUIN is excellent. And all
the principals who take part in the First Act, which in its
essence is comedy, namely, Mr. FARREN SOUTAR as Brue's son,
Vliss OLIVE MORRELL as his daughter, Miss MILLIE LEGARDE as
he scheming lady, Mr. ARTHUR WILLIAMS as the detected
thief, and Mr. EDWARD KIPLING as the dry business-like
solicitor, acquit themselves, every one of them, as accom-
plished comedians. They, with WILLIE EDOHIN, have, Willie
nilly, to interrupt their acting by breaking out into utterly
rrelevant song and dance, being thereto compelled by the
force majeure of author, lyricist, and composer.
After this First Act the author lets comedy go by the board,
ind, with his talented assistants, making up a sort of band
if Pied Pipers, sets all the company dancing, gambolling,
inging, through three Acts of, it must be admitted, very
entertaining nonsense, into the fun of which the audience
most willingly enter.
Miss MILLIE LEGARDE, as Lady Bickenhall, with songs,
apital imitations (specially of the coon singing), and dances,
s, after Mr. WILLIE EDOUIN, one of the " lifes and soids " of
he piece.
Mr. ARTHUR WILLIAMS, giving us another phase of the
ramp, in which he made so marked a hit in The Message
rom Mars, delights the audience. His by-play is perfect,
nd he is never out of the picture,. The audience enjoy
verything done by him and Mr. EDOUIN, as also, it is evident,
o the actors and actresses.
The music throughout is tuneful and full of go, though
here is a certain sameness in the arrangement of verse and
horus, which might have been avoided by so clever a
musician as Madame LIZA LEIIMANN. Mr. SYDNEY BARRACLOUGII
is a pleasing tenor, making the most of a not very effective
song ; and the choruses, well sung, with a variety of action,
by the fascinating " girlies " and the sprightly young swells
are tuneful and full of life.
From first to last the piece, as a "musical farce," is so
J-ively, so bright, and so entertaining that, with Mr. EDOUIN
Mr ARTHUR WILLIAMS and Miss MILLIE LEGARDE, it wiU pro-
bably achieve a success far greater, and a run far longer,
than was ever anticipated for it. So mote it be !
Arcua-r 24, I'.WM.1
PI 'NCI I, Oil T1IK LONDON CHARIVARI.
AUGUST 24, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
131
THE MANUFACTURE OF
PSEUDONYMS.
A NUMBER of distinguished women "I
letters reply in the '/</•/«' Realm to the
question, "How (lid you cluHise your
pseudonym?" Never backward in
1'iillciwiiig an illuminating example, .We.
I'n nek has lost no time in subjecting
several leading male representatives of
the corporation of the goosequill to a
similar ordeal.
Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING, who was shoot-
ing clay pigeons in the poultry-yard of
his fine new Tudor mansion when our
representative called, courteously laid
aside his lethal weapon and furnished
the desired information without a
moment's hesitation. " My pseudonym,"
he observed in his bright staccato accents,
"is an amalgam built up out of four
words. The first syllable is taken from
Ruddigore, my favourite opera, while
' yard ' indicates my love of ships and
shipping. The first half of my surname
comes from kipper, my favourite fish, the
second from sterling, my favourite bird.
Must you go ? Then I hope you '11 take
a brace of these pigeons with you."
Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN, writing from
Swinford Old Manor, says : " My
instinctive preference for the trochaic
metre naturally impelled me to choose a
pseudonym which should illustrate my
addiction to that intrepid measure. My
Christian name I borrowed from the
greatest of our Kings, better known of
late years under the affectionate title of
' England's Darling," while the surname
AUSTIN 1 took after the founder of the
State of Texas, a region which, by the
superb antiuomianism of its inhabitants,
has always appealed vividly to my
imagination. It is hardly necessary for
me to call attention to the alliteration
which forms so striking a feature of my
name. In this I have followed the
example of WILLIAM WORDSWORTH, WALT
WHITMAN, and ALGERNON ASHTON.
In reply to our representative, Mr.
HALL CAINE said that in choosing his
name he was actuated largely by a
belief in the efficacy of monosyllables,
and instanced the cases of JOHN BULL,
MARK TWAIN, GEORGE SAND, BRET HARTE.
Next to euphonic considerations, he was
governed by a regard for the great law
of contrast — the charm of the unex-
pected, illustrated in this instance by
the surprise and delight that readers
naturally felt at finding CAINE on the
side of the angels. The prefix HALL
had a spacious ring about it, suggesting
feudal or at least baronial expansion.
Mr. BERNARD SHAW explained that his
name reflected two prominent traits in
his character : his love of dogs, and his
contempt for the human intelligence.
Originally he had thought of calling
himself CHOW POOH, but finally decided on
ml.
BY THE SILVER SEA.
THIS is NOT JONES'S DOG.
ST. BERNARD PSHAW, the subsequent modi-
fications having regard to euphony and
his unorthodox views as to canonisation.
Mr. LEO MAZSE stated that his pseu-
donym was an emblem of Imperialism.
It was, in short, a case of going one
better than Ursa Major, MAXSE being a
convenient abbreviation for Maximus.
Rainy Prospects, N.B.
[His Grace of CANTERBURY, previous to his
departure for America, offered his services, as
a friend of all parties, to the Church Disputants
in Scotland.]
From His Grace (to Principal Rainy,
of the United Free Church). I propose
coming north with my comprehensive
umbrella, under which you can all take
shelter. Yours, CANTUAR.
Principal of U. F. C. (to His Grace).
Many thanks. Don't trouble. Only a
Scotch mist. Yours, RAINY.
P.S. — Wish you a good time in United
States.
Out of the Season.
Country Visitor (to London Friend, who
is just off for his lioliday). As I 'm in town
for a few nights I must see some theatres.
London Friend. Almost all closed, my
boy.
C.V. Ah ! but at those that are open,
what are they giving ?
L. F. Orders. [Exit precipitately.
Boz THE BICYCLIST. — In Great Expecta-
tions, Chap. XXXVUL, is given a motto
for bicyclists. It occurs when Estella
comes "to a sudden check," and says
"Pip, Pip!" Then she adds, in the
polite way that a lady bicyclist might
adopt when addressing a stupid person
who would not get out of the way,
" Will you never take warning? "
BURTON'S NEW "ANATOMY OF MELAN-
CHOLY."— ALLSOPP'S Balance Sheet.
132
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 24, 1904.
THE WHITE RABBIT.
CHAPTER IV.
The White Rabbit continues his Story.
IT was not until some few days after his story had been
so unceremoniously interrupted that the White Rabbit was
able to continue it. One morning, however, when all was
quiet in the garden, the retriever and his friend the cat
approached the hutch and settled themselves in an attitude
of expectation before the rails. The White Rabbit pretended
not to see them, and busied himself in tidying his fur. At
last Gamp broke the silence : —
" Bunbutter," she said, "there's nobody about; now 's
your time."
But the White Rabbit paid no attention to her.
"I beg your Royal Highness's pardon," she continued, "I
was about to observe that the circumstances were favourable
for the completion of the highly interesting narrative that
was begun by you the other day."
" We are all ears," said Rob.
" So is he," whispered the Cat, but the Rabbit fortunately
did not hear the observation. As a matter of fact he was dying
to continue the story, and needed no further prompting : —
" Let me see," he began, " where had I got to? Ah, yes, I
remember now. One morning the King, my father, on
coming down to breakfast, was both surprised and shocked
at finding my mother in tears.
"' Why this affliction?" he asked in his kindest tones, at
the same time selecting from the dish on the sideboard the
particular poached egg, with its attendant piece of bacon,
which the ancient tradition of our House caused to be
reserved for the reigning monarch. 'Has the coffee-pot
refused to work, or has the chief of the scullions again
thrown our domestic affairs into confusion by giving
warning ? '
" My mother smiled a wan smile. She knew my father's
habit of light-hearted badinage, and as a rule she thoroughly
appreciated his jokes, but on this occasion she seemed to find
no comfort in his words. For all answer she rang the bell
and, having summoned to her presence the aged Seneschal,
she bade him fetch the golden tray of state. When this had
been brought she momentarily checked her sobs and laid
upon the tray a document which she had been reading before
my father entered the room.
" ' Bear it,' she said, with that air of profound dignity
which so well became her, ' to His Majesty and beg him on
my behalf to study it well.' Having said this, she again
wept copiously into a dry pocket-handkerchief provided for
her by the page-in-waiting.
" The Seneschal, supporting the tray in his trembling
hands, tottered across the room, and, having with some
difficulty fallen upon his knees, laid it before my father.
His commission being thus executed he bowed, as was his
duty, three tunes, and crept backwards out of the room.
This is what my father read :
'"EXTRACT FROM THE RECORDS OF THE ROYAL HOUSE OF
SABLONIA, p. 2499, 15™ EDITION :
' ' And it shall come to pass that, if the King and Queen
of Sablonia shall after ticenty-five years be childless, there
shall be born to them a son of surpassing beauty and of
unmatchable valour. And it is yet further ordained that,
having slain in battle the brother of his father, the youth shall
thereafter take upon himself the semblance of one that is robed
in white fur, and shall continue in this likeness until such
time as it sliall please a maiden of her love to release him.'
"My father, when he had read this document carefully,
looked across at my mother.
" ' Whence,' he asked, ' came this ? '
" ' It came,' said my mother, ' in the usual way, by post ;
but the post-mark is obliterated, and Heaven only knows who
sent it.'
" ' It shall be rigorously investigated,' said my father.
' But, in the meantime, I infer that you are about to present
me and the country witli an heir to the throne.'
" ' I admit,' said my mother, sorrowfully, ' that the idea
had occurred to me ; but, after reading this terrible docu-
ment, I feel that I ought to think no more about it. Why,
the child would be doomed to turn into a white rat or a
ferret or something awful of that sort. I assure you I could
never bear it.'
" 'As to that,' cried my father, now roused to an unwonted
pitch of excitement, ' I believe no such old wives' tales. We
are at peace with Plagiorosa, and shall continue so. How
then shall any son of mine slay his uncle in battle? Be
brave, my dear, and resume your good intentions. I, the
King of Sablonia, promise you that all shall be well.'
" My mother, reassured by these noble words, so full of hope
and courage, smiled through her tears, and my father giving
no more thought to the trifle that had disturbed the morn-
ing, continued his breakfast in perfect serenity. A few weeks
afterwards, amid the clash of the joy-bells, the shouts of the
loyal populace, and the waving of flags, the heralds announced
to the people of Sablonia the birth of a long-deferred heir."
Here the White Rabbit broke off.
"I shall complete my story to-morrow," he said. "Now
run away and play, like good animals."
AN INN-AUGURATION.
SINCE our recent visit Le Touquet has been going ahead.
"Pour accomplir le Reve," as the local journal has it, the
Atlantic Hotel has been inaugurated. It has only to keep
well up to the present level of its neighbour and ally,
L 'Hermitage, for the excellence of whose cuisine this de-
ponent can answer, and its success with French and English
visitors ought to be assured.
Of course there was an " inauguration," the inevitable
banquet, with lots of toasts, and plenty of butter, graphically
described by M. LEVEQUE (a name which is of good augury as
suggestive of an episcopal blessing on its present and future),
one of the writers on the Paris-Plage newspaper. The French
printers seem to have had rather a difficulty with the York-
shire name of WHITLEY, the indefatigable entrepreneur, with-
out whose indomitable perseverance, and the substantial
assistance rendered by Mr. STONEHAM, it is most probable
that Le Touquet, as it is, would never have come into exist-
ence. But the spelling of the English names has rather
bothered the French compositor, as first of all Mr. WHITLEY
appears as " un penseur incomparable, M. JOHN WITHLEY ; "
then he comes out correctly as " M. WHITLEY," dropping the
" JOHN " as a trifle too familiar ; and though giving the name
properly four times out of five, yet "in one instance the type
seems to have become a little faded, and what ought to be
"M. JOHN WHITLEY " appears, in our copy at least, as " M. JOHN
WHIFLEY." Luckily for the enterprise he is not by any means
a " Whifley " sort of person.
The talented reporter had another English name, and title,
also to tackle, represented by " Sir HOWARD MELLIS," who
appears in his place among the toasts as " sir lord HOWARD
MELLIER." Go upxme, sir lord HOWARD! The date of his
creation as a seaside Peer of France is within this present
month. All hail ! Sir lord' HOWARD MELLIER ! The more the
Mellier !
One word of advice from Mr, Punch's Special Traveller.
Keep the place well up and the prices down. In! 'your ex-
cellent golf course will be found the links to j bind to Le
Touquet all the Golfing World and his wife. So go ahead !
AuGfsr I'l. 1004.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
133
SNUBBED.
Officious Person (who lias been boring the Colonel with his conversation). "PERMIT ME, MT DEAR COLONEL; LET ME GIVE YOU A HAND "
Irritable Cripple. " THANKS, BUT IF YOU COULD GIVE ME A COUPLE OF SOUND LEGS I SHOULD PREFER IT."
Terrible Conflagration.
(From an Advertisement in a Railway Carriage.)
- & Co. 2000 BEDSTEADS IN STOCK
LARGEST VARIETY IN THE WORLD
ALIGHT AT GoWEK STREET STATION.
At St. Drowsee's Within.
Visitor (who has been present at the sermon, to one of the
ri'ijular congregation}. Your clergyman's sermon was rather
soporific.
Parishioner. They 're always like that. But he is leaving us.
Visitor. I congratulate you. Has he got a good appointment ?
Parishioner. Yes, and most suitable. That is, if it be true
that he has been offered the living of Great Snoring.
ACCORDING to a report in the Standard, Dr. HORTON, while
speaking in defence of Passive Resistance, said that "he felt
that he was taking his place among those other Englishmen
who had fought against what they believed to be wrong,
against the interest of their own country, and against the
law of God." Dr. HORTON is likely to lose some of his friends
if he makes any more of these candid admissions.
CLERICAL HUMOUR. — A certain clergyman, writing to the
Times last Saturday in defence of his position during the
most solemn part of the service, which had been attacked I WHEN the two Monarchs dined together at Marienbad
staled that with his congregation genuflexion was "a custom j champagne was forbidden by the rules of the "Cure," but
of twenty years' standing." The Rev. SIDNEY SMITH himself its place seems to have been supplied by any amount of
SHAKSPEARIAN QUOTATION. — For an impecunious sportsman,
who has his gun and all essentials ready, but is unable k>
rent a shooting himself, and awaits, in vain, some friendly
invitation : —
" Well are you fitted, had you but a Moor ! "
Titus Amlronicuf, Act V., Sc. 2.
If the above gentleman would be satisfied with what we
must suppose to be the inferior sport of pursuing ground
game in one of the Home Counties, we can recommend him to
an advertisement in the Chronicle which offers : —
"Free Shoot, near Park Station, Tottenham."
eoulil not have put it better.
' hoch.'
134
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 24, 1904.
MR. PUNCH'S SYMPOSIA.
XXII. — ARE WE GROWING PLAINER?
ScESK—Rimmel's Oatmeal Parlour.
PRESENT: •
Mr. Bobby Spencer, M.P. (In the chair).
Sir Albert Rollit, M.P.
Sir Gilbert Parker, M.P.
Sir James Crichton-Browne.
Mr. Greasley.
Mr. George Wyndham, MJ .
.1/c. Bernard 8hqu>.
Miss Edna May.
La Belle Ole.ro.
Mr. Swift MacNeill, M.P.
Mr. Adolf Beck.
Mr. Bobby Spencer. A writer in one of
he cheaper morning papers having
promulgated the theory that we are, as
i nation, growing plainer, it has been
bought well to convene a gathering of
representatives of all shades of opinion
and beauty to discuss the question and
see what should be done.
Mr. Swift MacNeill. I deny that we
are growing plainer. The suggestion is
merely a catch-penny heading for an
irticle in a sensational paper.
Sir Albert Rollit. And even if we were
why draw inferences? Why make a
column of it ? There are plenty of other
subjects. There is the state of the
Strand.
Sir James Criehton - Browne. And
General BOOTH'S eliminating trials.
Mr. Swift MacNeill. And disclosures of
jriminal luxury -•" Should Salads be
dressed by PAQUIN ?"
Mr. Bernard Shaw. Suppose that we
have been wrong all the time. Suppose
that symmetry is really less beautiful
than incident ? Suppose that, according
to true taste, beyond human compass
it is Mr. GEORGE WYNDHAM who is plain
and Mr. GEORGE ROBEY who is beautiful
What a tragedy !
Sir Gilbert Parker. The prestige of
good looks cannot be over-rated. Beauty
should be a national ideal. Whether or
not we are growing plainer I am no
personally in a position to say. But as
a legislator I would recommend a more
liberal supply of mirrors in public
places. One ought to have the oppor
tunity of continually noting develop
ment.
Mr. Bernard Shaw. Who is to fix the
standard? Some people say that dark
men alone are handsome ; others, fair
Who shall decide?
Mr. Greasley. Mr. Justice GRANTHAM :
Miss Edna May. Sir ALFRED HARMS
WORTH ?
La Belle Otero. Sir GILBERT PARKER ?
Sir Gilbert Parker. Oh, no, no ! 1 ai
too busy. And I am just off to Marien
bad.
Sir James Crichton-Browne. Littl
Maryenbad !
Sir Albert Rollit. Why waste time
ver such a foolish question? Hand-
ome is as handsome does. Beauty at
,s best is only skin deep.
Sir Gilbert Parker. Is not handsome
oes as handsome is a better version?
n other words, beauty can do no wrong.
Mr. Bernard Shaw. But what is
jeauty ?
Sir Gilbert Parker.
Beauty is truth, truth beauty ; that is all
I know, and that is all I wish to know ;
—so KEATS said. In his day everyone
vas beautiful. KEATS was beautiful,
SHELIJJY was beautiful
Mr. Bernard Shaw. Why do you caU
SHELLEY beautiful ? BROWNING, who was
fellow poet, is quite of another opinion.
le says, " And did you once see SIIELLEY
dain?"
Sir James Crichton-Browne. I marvel
o hear so much loose talk on beauty, as
f it were not a definite thing. Beauty
an be scientifically analysed and ascer-
ained. For one thing, whiskers.
La Belle Otero. Not for women, surely ?
Sir James Crichton-Browne. I refer to
nanly beauty. The beauty of woman is
different — a less important matter, far
easier of attainment.
La Belle Otero. Ha !
Miss Edna May. Ho !
Sir Gilbert Parker. Why whiskers?
Are not whiskers obsolete, and deservedly
so?
Sir James Crichton-Browne. Certainly
not.
Sir. Gilbert Parker. A pointed beard.
Mr. George Wyndham. No beard but
moustache. The chin should not be
concealed. The human anatomy has few
charms more positive than a good
sensitive chin.
Mr. Swift MacNeill. The premium put
upon manly beauty is ridiculous. An
ugly man can do everything that a
handsome man can do. Look at JOHN
WILKES ; look at Mr. -
Mr. Greasley. Good looks are certainly
no advantage in swimming the Channel
Mr. George Wyndham. And yet i
is pleasant to gaze upon symmetrica'
features, a bright eye, a trim moustache
It is surely more satisfactory that tin
strings, say, of office, should be in th
hands of an Adonis than a Caliban.
La Belle Otero. There are quite enough
beautiful women, quite. More, and i
would be vulgar. Every generation
should have the opportunity of paying
to see one superlatively lovely woman.
Miss Edna May. One of each kind
There are many varieties. Let there be
Free Trade.
Mr. Adolf Beck. After all, what i
beauty? The important thing about .
man's face is that it should resembl
no other man's face. Let me be plain
as THERSITES, but let me be unique.
Mr. Bobby Spencer (waking). What
len do we decide ? If I were to give
ny casting vote I should say that beauty
light go. It is certainly not essential
o the agricultural labourer. It is a
nistake to plough in a six-inch collar.
Sir Gilbert Parker. The old saying
bat beauty unadorned is adorned the
nost is a fallacy. Beauty wants dressing.
Sir Albert Rollit. Yes ; as the poet
says — " Q the little hat and how much
t is ! "
[Exeunt undecided whether to con-
tinue plain or otherwise.
WAS OMAR KHAYYAM A GOLFER?
IT is certainly strange, considering
low much attention has been given to
he Rubdiydt in recent years, that
lobody has even raised this question.
Most people, it is true, could quote at
east a portion of one quatrain that has
\ direct and undeniable bearing upon
he Game :
'he Ball no question makes of Ayes or Noes,
Jut Eight or Left, as strikes the Player, goes.
But one must not argue from single
nstances, and the object of this article
s to show that there is a continuous
bread of golfing allusions running
right through the Quatrains. The
evidence overwhelms utterly the theory
of accident and coincidence. Thus
Quatrain 10, beginning
With me along this strip of Herbage strown . .
contains an exact and succinct descrip-
;ion of the choicest golfing ground, and
oulicates that OMAR had a justifiably low
opinion of arable land for the purposes
of the game. The next stanza, the most
[amiliar of all, requires only the very
slightest of textual emendations. Clearly
its third line should run —
Beside me swinging in the Wilderness.
Quatrain 14, beginning
The Worldly Hope men set their Hearts upon,
is concerned with the average man's
futile pursuit of what he calls his TRUE
FORM, although the verse has been inter-
preted in a more general sense.
Quatrain 19 —
And this reviving Herb, whose tender green
Fledges the River-Lip on which we lean . . .
is a cheerful remark made during the
recovery of a ball from a water-hazard
"Ah, lean upon it lightly!" may well
be an instruction to an impetuous
caddie, in consequence of the rottenness
of the bank after heavy rain.
Quatrain 22, which mentions how
some
Have drunk their Cup a Round or two before
clearly refers to the perils of afternoon
tea on long summer days.
Quatrain 25, beginning
Why, all the .... Sages who discussed. . . .
AUGUST 24, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
135
is a scathing denunciation of the multi-
plying of golf tutors and manuals.
Quatrain 30 —
What, without asking, hither hurried WHENCE?
And, without asking, WHITHER hurried hence ?
epitomises a round of alternate slicing
and pulling.
Quatrain 32—
There was a Door to which I found no key ;
There was a Veil past which I could not see . . .
establishes the important fact that the
Poet never succeeded in reducing him-
self to Scratch. Probably his handicap
was 12, if not more.
Quatrain 41 is one of the most difficult
in the whole poem :
For " is " and " is NOT ", though with Rule and
Line,
And "UP-AND-DOWN" without, I could define. . .
A little consideration shows that the first
verse refers to a stymie, so doubtful that
it must be tested with a pocket-measure.
" Up-and-down " hints at what is known
as the " Headsman " style of attacking
the ball. " Without," one may hazard
a guess, means " without a follow-
through," a defect inseparable from this
style of play.
Quatrain 42 —
And lately, by the Tavern Door agape,
Came stealing through the Dusk au Angel Shape
Bearing a Vessel on his Shoulder ; and
He bid me taste of it ; and 'twas — the Grape !
records a visit to a course, on a daily
ticket, where the Poet and his partner,
not being introduced by a member, had
not the run of the bar.
Quatrain 51 —
The Moving Finger writes ; and, having writ,
Moves on ...
Nor all thy tears wash out a Word of it ...
clearly refers to Medal-Day at Naishapur.
The competition being by strokes and
not by holes, a bad breakdown would
be irretrievable.
Quatrain 57 contains an indubitable
reference to a bunker —
Who didst with Pitfall and with Gin
Beset the Road I was to wander in.
This is a particularly interesting passage,
as the last word of the first line may
refer either to a hazard on the course
or to the sloe-gin that spoils so many
scores after lunch. The latter theory is
the most probable, as the idea of a
bunker is sufficiently indicated by the
word "pitfall."
Quatrain 62 —
Shall he that made the vessel in pure Love
And Fancy, in an alter Rage destroy !
is a judicious and temperate comment
upon the painful spectacle of a short-
tempered professional breaking a club
of his own making across his knee.
Vessel, for club, is a very happy example
of Persian imagery.
Quatrains 63, (II
They sneer at me, fjr leaning all awrv . . .
They talk of some strict 'IVhtiny nf us ]'i-!i '
SWEETS TO THE SWEET.
Visitor. " I "VE BROUGHT Yon A FEW CHOCOLATES. BIT 1 1 SUPPOSE YOU ALWAYS HAVE
QUANTITIES OF SWEETS ? " Ethel. " No, I DON'T. I EAT 'EM ALL."
are unequivocal references to the proto-
type of PARK'S wry-necked putter, and to
an early controversy about Standardisa-
tion.
Quatrain 75 —
One naturally expects that the con-
cluding stanza of a poem, which bristles
with allusions, direct and indirect, to
the Royal and Ancient game, would not
end without a final reference. It is to
be found in the words
... the Spot
Where I made one— turn down an empty Glass!
" Where I made one " may, of course,
be a simple reference to the foursomes,
which were no doubt the Poet's favourite
form of the punc. More probably, how-
ever, they used " make " at Naisnapur,
or even throughout Persia, in its modern
American sense, instead of the English
"do." Just as Mr. TRAVIS would talk
of having " made the ' Maiden ' in two "
the Poet boasted of having made a
certain hole on his Home Links in one ;
and no doubt it was as near to that spot
as the Green Committee would permit
that he chose his resting-grave. This
may be taken as final and conclusive.
A REFORMED public-house has been
opened in New York by Bishop POTTER.
It will, we understand, be known in
future as Bishop Potter's Bar.
PIED ANGLAIS.
Bathing Woman (to English Lady). " VonA, MADAME, CUE BELLE PAIRE RE CHAUSSONS.
(Noticing disapproval in Visitor's /ace) "An, MADAME N'EN VEUT PAS? JE BUIS DESOLEE
MAIS, POUR LE MOMENT, IL HE UK RE8TE PAS DE PLUS ORASDB."
CHARIVARIA.
TnE-Chantrey Committee has reported
that in its opinion too exclusive a prefer-
ence has been given in the past to pictures
shown at the Royal Academy, and
recommends that future purchases be
made by a Committee consisting of the
President of the Royal Academy, a Royal
Academician, and an Associate of the
Royal Academy.
Times change. Once]the Irish did all
they could to annoy us. Now a scheme
is on foot to pledge every Member elected
for an Irish constituency at the next
General Election to stay away from
Westminster.
The Army Council has intimated tha
no facilities are to be given to anj
foreigners, whether military or civilian
to attend the training of troops o
inspect any military establishment
This is just the sort of imitative policj
which causes ill-feeling between othe
nations and ourselves. Fiscal retaliation
is another.
We understand that the alleged sp
who was arrested at Milford Haven wa
released because he had not the wor
"Spy" written in plain characters o
the ribbon of his hat.
Clacton-on-Sea, we are informed by
contemporary, has been called th
Mentone of the East." On the other
and Mentone sets up no sort of claim
o be called the " Clacton of the South."
A valuable hunter, belonging to Mr.
)URLACHER, got its hind foot securely
xed in its mouth one day last week,
nd a veterinary surgeon had to be
ummoned to its assistance. This re-
alls the ancient Irish legend of the
lan who never opened his mouth with-
ut putting his foot into it. But that,
f course, was a bull.
A band of 500 agricultural labourers,
rmed with guns and scythes, invaded
he estate of the millionaire Count GEORG
ALMASSY, near Debrezcin, Hungary, the
ther day, and demanded the equal
.ivision of all his property among
hemselves. As a share had not been
eserved for himself, the Count, not un-
easonably, refused.
A woman alleged at the West London
i'olice Court that throwing an apple is
he coster's method of greeting a friend.
There is certainly an expression, The
,pple of one's eye.
A fair Parisienne has killed a friend
or accidentally treading on her dress
during a dance, but many ladies take
,he humaner view that penal servitude
'or life would have been an ample
Dunishment for such careless behaviour.
Some excitement was caused last week
by a soldier confessing that he was
guilty of the Peasenhall murder, but, on
nvestigation, it turned out that he was
only bragging.
The usually well-informed Matin is of
the opinion that the Reshitelny affair
will be settled diplomatically without
serious difficulty. It- certainly will not
lead to the outbreak of war between
Russia and Japan.
The Entente continues to be a living
influence. Two Birmingham youths who
were anxious to court the same girl
fought a duel with revolvers, and
neither was hurt.
The Boudoir publishes a list oi
favourite pets kept by leading ladiei
in Society. It is characteristic of the
present age that not one of these ladies
mentions her husband.
NOTE AT THE BRITISH ASSOCIATION.—
LAMB appreciated SALMON and quotec
POISSON. FKESHFIELD'S address was about
" pastures new."
GO :
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AUGUST 24, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
139
STRICTLY PRIVATE.
ii.
(Heinr; a further instalment of Lady VIM u,u
VKKK UK VKRK'S anmrerx In Ii'tli'rx fron
reailrm </.'<;//'«</ with njfnirx <>)' tin' In'nrl
taru /It's in tlnmi'xtir lifi', nr /minta nf
etiquette.)
"I am engaged," in-itex Aif VMINTA, " t>
a charming ynuni/ lit/in trlio IK t/u>r<>ii<jlili/
eligible in firry irny, /'j'i-i'i'1 fur tin' Jm-t
tlmt he trill, iri'iir nidc-aiirhi'i boot* <nnl
niili- irhixhiTH. lie 'IK Irrrilili/ arum! in
to criticism, and I fi'nr that, niti/ nhrii/il
i'.r/ir<'xxion of my dislike for theae
•/irnctices mir/M cause him to break off
our engagement. What am I to do?"
If ARAMINTA is the sensible girl I take
her to be she will cheerfully put up with
what is, after all, a venial eccentricity.
There was a time not so long ago when
the dandies invariably wore side whiskers,
and there is nothing immoral in side-
spring boots, which are generally worn
by Armenians. Perhaps the anonymous
birthday present of a patent razor might
correct one of these errors of taste.
" I have been invited to spend a week-
end with some rich friends on the river,"
irritt's ENID. " They play Bridge for
It iijli stakes, and what I want to know is
tliix: If I lose more than I can pay
tiii<i/it I to give I. 0. U.s or borrow the
amount from the butler?"
I am surprised and pained by the tone
of ENID'S letter. It is quite true that the
poet says, " 'Tis better to have played
and lost than never to have played at
all," but debts of honour should always
be paid immediately. If ENID is unable
to face the risks of gambling, she should
abstain from its fearful joys and content
herself with the simpler pleasures of the
Ping-pong saloon or the polo links.
LORNA writes despairingly: — "I have
| been engaged for six years to J. J., and
see no prospect of our being married
unless I can earn an independent income
of at least £75 a year. I have written a
novel of about 200,000 words, and should
lil;i' to submit it to you for a candid
opinion."
Before embarking on a literary career
or forwarding your MS. I should strongly
advise you to try some employment in
which there is a more immediate pros-
pect of remuneration. The success of
the Missionary toffee movement induces
nit1 1o suggest that you should try jam-
making. It is true that there is very
READY MADE COATS(-OF-ARMS) ; OR, GIVING 'EM FITS!
THE RT. HON. ARTHUR JAMES BALFOUR, P.O., IST EARL OF STRATAGEM AND DODGERY.
(BARON STYMIE IN THE PEERAGE OF SCOTLAND.)
Arms — Quarterly: 1st, a patent self-righting, non-capsizable premier in pincenez, hypnotic
in charm, elusive nebuly in debate, preraphaelite in languor, elutcliant lapellois of reveres,
chaotic hazy rotten in arithmetic, downy lary, crafty to the last, agile in closure. (Motto : " leant
idsum sorsub tractem ") ; 2nd, a dabby neurotic sole floppant, holding hysteric converse with
kindred soles, socially conjoined in sympathy all proper turned up passee. (Motto : " Place not
souls for me ") ; 3rd, under a chief wily noncommittal, premier on sufferance, a fiscal unicorn
(with a really almost imperceptible tax on his last syllable) urgent crusade on the hustle,
debniised and bunkered cheeky asquithoia proper, invincibly chirpy jaunty cependaut shewing
sangfroid on the surface; 4th, a British lion hopelessly obfuscated and befogged, rampant
purpure in fury, finding himself fiscally jockeyed proper in blinkers. Crests : 1st, a Parlia-
mentary guillotine (successfully revived at Westminster by the present peer as a substitute for
all Parliamentary prescience and business foresight) ; 2nd, a presiding military genius
„* J • _T • ' _l_i 1 • . . 1. _ -L* ' f^< If ,S
of deep strategical insight and vast experience, who combines in himself the great fighting
qualities of Csesar, Napoleon, Marlborough, Moltke, and Howard Vincent. (There is a rumour
that he is constructing round the British coast a formidable series of philosophic redoubts
vhich will render our shores practically impregnable.) Supporters : Dexter, a publican proper,
ively in spirits, after compensation or ; Sinister, a member of the British Association, spectacled
and ear-trumpeted all proper, habited sable, conscientiously endeavouring to get the hang of a
•pppnt. pifviiipnt niAf*a nf norolvral mrnir>aotifo nt (™1aTwV»»*i/1 r*n R0fstn/-I \ff\ttn • '* A n V» ,»1 1-.-li, .,-,,. V .
recent eloquent piece of cerebral gymnastics at Cambridge. Second Motto : " An Englishman's
Devizes ; Dunham Hall,
public-)house is his castle." Additional Motto (thrown in) : " (B)unj
Seats— Fischal Stymie, Tarriff, N.B. ; Soldham Neatly, by Suttl<
rineleigh-in-the-Eye ; Creditaud, Prestige-on-the-Wane.
Clubs — The Clique, Niblick's, Driver's, Brassie's, etc.
little profit on home-made jam unless it
is made in large quantities, but Rome
was not built in a day, and I am sure
that with the powerful incentive that
you possess it would not be difficult to
work up a large connection with hotels,
restaurants, tea-shops, &c. Remember
that much depends upon a good name,
such, for example, as "Lorna's Gladstone
ooseberry Jam."
" I keep company with a young lady,"
vrikes ROLAND, "who is about fourteen
nches shorter than myself. She witt not
face the impertinent gaze of the public,
herefore we are bound to go in un-
\ frequented streets. This is most annoy-
ing, and I have suggested to her that she
should go in for athletics, so as perhaps
to increase her height. Slie will not
listen to me. It tJierefore falls on me to
find Jiow I can reduce my own lieight, as
I cannot increase liers."
To begin with, banish all such foolish
ideas as tampering either with her
height or your own. Even were it
possible to lessen your own height, or
increase hers, the difference could only
be so tiny as to 'be worthless. You are
not the only tall man who has been
married to a short woman — Antony and
Cleopatra is, of course, the classic in-
stance— and if your love is not strong
enough to put up with such trifles as
the stares of the public, it ought to be.
It would be a harsh world if we allowed
our loves to be interfered with by so
very absurd an influence.
LADI VINOLIA.
THE SCOTTISH CHURCH PROBLEM. — Are
Wee Free or are U. Free ?
140
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 24, 1904.
SOCIETY WHISPERS PROM THE
STATES.
[Two well-known Philadelphia society men
have recently fought a prize-fight of twenty-
five rounds in a private room. At the end of
the twenty-fifth round one of the pair was
knocked out.]
From tlie " New York Society Slogger" :—
" TOUGH TED" ROOSEVELT, who is open
to fight all comers for the championship
of the States, is in strict training at the
White House for his forthcoming contest
with "JUDGE" PARKER. TED was in rare
shape when our representative called at
his training quarters. He wrestles twice
a day with the Trust problem, and im-
proves his hitting by punching cows.
Of the JUDGE'S qualifications for cham-
pionship honours little is known. His
previous experience in the ring has been
limited to his contest with "Kio" HEARST,
when, it will be remembered, he obtained
the decision on points. He is training
on a course of sea-water baths. Those
who have meaus of knowing state that
he is getting on swimmingly.
An eye-witness of DAN SULLY'S last
performance in the ring says that,
though knocked out on that occasion,
the Cotton man is still to be reckoned
with. He is game. Our correspondent
was greatly struck with the rapidity
with which he left his corner when time
was called.
Mrs. STUYVESANT FISH'S At Home on
Friday last was a genuine success. The
event of the evening was, of course, the
twenty-round contest between " CORNY "
VANDEHBILT and "BILL" GILLETTE. The
histrion had height and reach in his
favour, but the nightly doses of morphia
which he was compelled to inject while
playing Sherlock Holmes in London
have had their inevitable effect on his
stamina; and " CORNY," after having
the worst of some exchanges at long
range, bored in and rattled his man
with heavy hooks at the body. At the
end of the fifteenth round the tall and
brainy mummer was compelled to throw
up the sponge. The winner, it is
interesting to note, was trained by his
fascinating hostess exclusively upon
larks' tongues on toast.
One of the first sights shown to
visitors, when they have seen enough of
GRANT'S tomb and the Statue of Liberty,
is Wall Street, where " PIERP." MORGAN
is now training for his next deal. This
tricky fighter gets himself into condition
by hustling around and lifting British
trade. He has nearly recovered from
the nasty jar he sustained in his failure
to get control of the White Star Line
and intends for the future not to risk his
reputation in such purely " exhibition
spars."
Admirers of "OiLY" ROCKEFELLER'S
style will be sorry to hear that he has
not yet got the new interior for which
he advertised recently. This interferes
greatly with his work in the ring. His
opponents complain that he can no
onger put down the steaks.
The battle between JAMES J. JEFFRIES
and Mrs. CARRIE NATION was a complete
fiasco, neither of the principals being
able to come to an agreement on the
subject of the rules. JEFFRIES holds
,hat he had a perfect right to object to
Vlrs. NATION using her hatchet, and he
claims the purse. To appease the dis-
appointed audience, who had begun to
loot loudly, Mrs. NATION gave an exhi-
)ition later in the evening at TOM
SHARKEY'S saloon on East Fourteenth
Street, where her science and hard
litting won great applause from all
jut the proprietor, who is suing for
damages.
MR. BALFOUR ON GOVERNMENT.
OWING to a confusion between the
horthand outlines for the words
'electrical" and "electoral," "electron"
and "elector" respectively, the Premier's
[naugural Address to the British Asso-
ciation at Cambridge has been badly
misreported. Mr. Punch, however, has
been enabled to supply an amended
version of the more salient passages of
Mr. BALFOUR'S interesting allocution. It
should, therefore, run as follows : —
Two centuries ago the electoral system
seemed but a scientific toy. It was fifty
years before its effects were perceived in
ADAM SMITH ; a hundred years before it
was detected in the form of Jacobinism ;
one hundred and twenty years before it
was connected with repeal of the Corn
Laws; one hundred and seventy years
before it was associated with obstruction
and all-night gas-bag radiation. But
to-day there are those, the protagonists
of the electoral theory of statecraft, who
regard Parliament as the mere appear-
ance of which the electors are the
physical basis. Such theorists think
that the M.P. or atom is himself but a
collection of monads or electors, that
these representatives differ in the
number and arrangement and relation
of their electors, and that on those
differences depend the various qualities
of Members. While in most cases these
atomic personages may maintain their
equilibrium for periods that seem almost
eternal, yet they are not less obedient to
the law of change than the party system
itself.
But if the Government is a grouping of
atoms, and atoms are a system of electoral
monads, what are these electoral monads?
It may be that, as has been suggested,
they are but a modification of gas, a
modification roughly comparable to a
whiff or escape of gas. Whether that is
accepted or not, it is certain that these
ilectoral monads cannot be considered
apart from gas. Without it an electoral
theory of obstruction is impossible.
Surely here is the most extraordinary of
revolutions. . . . WTe can no longer hold
that, if the internal energy of a party is
as far as possible converted into heat
which can be radiated away in by-
slections, then the party's whole energy
will be exhausted — on the contrary, the
imount thus lost will be absolutely in-
significant compared with what remains
stored up within the separate atoms.
They will be side by side without move-
ment, without affinity, yet each, however
nert in external relations, will be the
theatre of violent forces, by the side of
which those that shatter a world and
reveal it as a flaming star to the astro-
nomer's telescope are negligible.
The insignificant M.P. is now no more
than the relatively vast theatre in which
the electoral voters perform their evolu-
;ions ; while the monads or voters
;hemselves are not regarded as units of
intelligence but as units of political
wire-pulling. So that intelligence in
the democracy is not merely explained,
but explained away. . . .
In common, therefore, with all living
things we seem to be practically con-
cerned with the feebler forces of nature
and with statesmanship in its least
powerful manifestations. Party affinity
and cohesion are, on this theory, no
more than the slight residual effects of
the internal electoral forces which keep
the atom in his seat. . . . Yet this
prodigious Imperial mechanism seems
outside the range of our immediate
party interests. We live merely on its
fringe. It has no promise of utilitarian
value ; we cannot harness it to our
penny buses. Yet not less does it stir
the imagination. It awakens an acute
intellectual gratification, a satisfaction
almost aesthetic in its intensity and
quality. . . . Our knowledge of states-
manship is based on illusion.
MR. SWIMBURNE'S LATEST.
[Music may be used to cheer HAOOERTY
(across the Channel). " If a musician is playing
something lively on the tug, I shall forget I
am swimming." — Daily Mail, August 18.]
RIDE a cock-horse
(Or train, Charing Cross)
To see a brave swimmer
Burst through a " white horse."
Shields on his eyelids,
And oil on his limbs ;
He shall have music
Wherever he swims.
Old Refrain reset for Philosophers at
the Meeting of the British Association. —
" Oh, dear, what can the matter be ! "
AUGUST 24, 1901.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
ia
142
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 24, 1904.
LILLIAN'S LOVES.
You must understand that this is only
a selection of them. LILLIAN has in her
time loved nearly everybody — always
excepting myself, alas ! — so that I can
only refer to a few of the later ones.
J out in the sun lately. Ah, there 's a
man for you ! "
And only a miuute before she had
called him a " horrid person ! " I imme-
diately explained that all my remarks
about Turks applied (only more so) to
Russians ; that floating in the Bosphorus
-. y i 11*1 1 * 1 TT -Hj HiTOAlUlO . U -11 til) U\SCkVUAK .11.1 MU? -UV./O pu ui nu
Not that she did not begin early. Her|with a sack over your head was a mere
first affair was at six years old ; and hejhdiday compared with what habitually
was eight. But since her hair has been occurred in f^ Baltic,
up LILUAN has loved heroes only. (Again In this way the situation was saved>
but the horror of it impressed me
always excepting myself.) A few years
ago it was W. G. One day he made a
century, and she telegraphed as follows
to him :
"DearW.G. C.Y.K. Yours, L."
Of course everyone knows —
what C.Y.K. means, so pre-
sumably W. G. does too. But
when he only made three in
the second innings LILLIAN
confessed that perhaps she
had been rather forward.
However, as I pointed out,
there are other things that K.
may stand for.
At the beginning of the year
I had a bit of a shock. It was
like this. I came to see her
one day, and found her deep
in the Sportsman.
"The poor deal- broke his
arm," she said. "Isn't it a
shame ? I 'm sure that horrid
Russian person did it on pur-
pose."
I felt that I had a duty
to perform. For the sake of
her mother and herself, I sat
down and spoke fluently. In
a few molten words I pointed
out the inconveniences of
Mohammedanism. I touched
lightly on the allowance of
wives per man to followers
of the Prophet, and dwelt
strongly upon the disadvan-
tages of Constantinople as a
health resort. I also told
her what happened in the
Bosphorus on dark nights,
when one had lost one's popu-
larity.
vividly. At last I fancied I saw a way
of curing her of these cults. I would
make her fall in love with some
imaginary person — and then perhaps
A FEARFUL DILEMMA.
Lady Acquaintance (severely). " WHY DON'T TOD
WHEN TOD BEET A LiBT, ADQD8TDS?"
TAKE TODB HAT OFF
Augustus (who has put on Pa's fiat to come out an awful swell) " I—
I— CAN'T GET IT OFF ! "
after that, but whenever she wrote to
me she mentioned Hiroshima. In her
last she said, " Would I be a darling,
and get her a photo of the dear ? " I
wired back, " Expect me at four, with
photo of Hiroshima."
I arrived punctually with the treasured
photograph. Trembling with excite-
ment, LILLIAN opened it
I don't know if you have ever seen
Hiroshima. It 's rather an important
town on the south coast of Japan, with
a population of some thousands
It was a month or more before I was
forgiven. (You will notice, please, that
I never implied at all that Hiroshima
rwas a man.)
But she is not cured. Only
to-day I was round there, and
she began :
"Oh, I say, I'm in love
again."
" LILLIAN'S way ? " I asked,
for I have my hopes.
"Yes, of course. Guess
who it is."
I nearly said " Port Arthur,"
but it was too risky ; so I
contented myself with
" KITCHENER ?"
" That was last week."
" Of course ; I forgot. I
expect it's a cricketer. If
it's GAUKRODGER, I'm going
home."
" No, it 's not a cricketer."
"Have you been to the
Imperial yet?" I inquired,
artfully.
"We're going to-morrow.
Why?"
" Oh, nothing. Don't say
it 's LORD GEORGE SANGER. He
isn't a real lord, you know."
" As if that mattered," said
LILLIAN, scornfully. " Well,
I'll tell you. It's a states-
man."
"A. what?"
" I mean an M.P. In fact,
" You can't be too careful with Turks,"
I went on. " They want but very little
encouragement. I don't know how far
you have gone, but a postcard might be
quite enough to make him think things.
And I 'm afraid I couldn't offer to rescue
you."
"Why not?" asked LILLIAN. "You
aren't afraid of a terrible Turk, are
you ? "
" No, not afraid," I explained ; " but I
lave a headache to-day."
"The Russian Lion, wasn't frightened,"
said LILLIAN, proudly.
"The papers say he was pale," I
^leaded.
"That's only because he hadn't been
wor-
she would see the absurdity of
shipping unseen heroes.
So I spoke often to LILLIAN of the
famous Hiroshima.
" Is he nicer than TOGO ? " she asked,
eagerly. " I suppose he is a Japanese ? "
"Hiroshima," I said, "is certainly
Japanese. TOGO simply isn't in it."
" How lovely ! " she said, and clapped
her hands. "Is he in the Army or
Navy ? "
" Hiroshima," I said guardedly, " has
seen no fighting as yet. But none the
less the name is in the mouths of mil-
lions. Ah, Hiroshima ! could I but see
thee ! "
I didn't see LILLIAN for
some days
" LILLIAN," I saidsadly, "you
disappoint me. I did expect
more originality from you. A girl who
(under a misapprehension certainly)
fell in love with JOHN STRANGE WINTER
— now to think of JOE ! It 's too
awful."
" But, my dear boy," said LILLIAN, " of
course it isn't JOE. It 's C.-B "
|| C. who?"
" The Right Honourable Sir HENRY
CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, M.P., P.O."
" C.Y.K. ? " I suggested.
LILLIAN blushed.
"No, not yet; but— well, I don't
know. You see I only thought of him
last night."
So there it is. And she's going to
the Imperial to-morrow.
AUGUST 24, 190-1.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
113
NAUTICAL SCHEMES.
(By our Millinery Erpert.)
THE spirit of the sea, wilful and
wayward as our own, is calling us in-
cessantly, and tin' spirit of (lie momenl
nai urally turns towards laili'tli'a <l<: plage
and de bain. To be truly convincing
beach-frocks should be kept as much
as possible an nalurel, sun-tinted zephyrs
being much in vogue as cool and re-
freshing wear. A blonde, however, may
always make a noticeable appearance in
a vivid blue crash ; brunettes will look
particularly chic simply gowned in
coarse oatmeal, and sea-green lawns
are effective wear for the girl with
warm chestnut tresses. The tall athletic
damsel may satisfy herself with a stripe,
while the piquante petite will always
look her hcst in a small spot, and
Messrs. WEARING, Ltd., are showing a
very attractive line for seaside wear to
suit all figures.
The magnetic attraction of the sad
sea waves will be felt by all who are
conscious of being attired in persuasive
loili'iles de bain. The changing colours
of the eternal ocean form an excellent
background to the delicate tints of the
modern surf-suit ; but undue proximity
to the water must be carefully avoided,
as there is nothing so fatal to the success
of the up-to-date mermaid as the salt
spray, so unfortunately prevalent along
our coasts. Many inspirations in surf-
suits may be seen in WEARING'S windows.
One little garment in del eolten with
peau de soie ajoure will exercise fascina-
tions for debutante and chaperon alike.
There are regrettable instances where
the head of the family chooses the
country as a holiday resort ; but even
in these circumstances surf -suits and
shore-cloaks must not be omitted from
the outfit, as horse-pool and duck-pond
parties are being organised with im-
mense success by sympathetic country
hostesses.
ON THE HIGH C'S.
1 AND three of my fellow-clerks at
PROXGER, RASP & Co.'s determined to
strike out a line for ourselves in taking
our summer holiday this year. We are
all lour musical, and we proposed to
masquerade as professional minstrels,
play on the sands, the beach, before
hotels, &c., and so "make" our expenses.
TIM SON alleges that he plays the
violin ; I am really a line, though per-
haps rather fluky, exponent of the
concertina ; WOPSHOT is a wonder with
nies, and BUSTERCOMBE an honest
trier with the trombone.
" Will the instruments go together ? "
asked TIMSON. " 1 think the other
three will make a splendid back-
nii; tor the hones," said WOPSHOT ; and
A SINGLE FIGURE.
(And likely to remain so.)',
BUSTERCOMBE undertook to drown every
minor defect under his trombone.
I think we all found courage and
comfort in this thought, and when we
arrived at Shrimpington-on-Sea we were
full of high hope for the success of
our enterprise.
We took the top rooms " back " of a
large lodging-house on the Parade.
After an excellent shrimp and watercress
tea, we started in at once, and had a
good " practice."
In the midst of it, the landlady came
up, knocked at the door and asked if
" any of the gents was ill ? "
We re-assured her and she went
away, only to return a quarter of an
hour later, with information that the
rest of the lodgers had given notice to
leave, and that the old lady next door
had already applied for police protec-
tion.
We felt rather discouraged at this.
Next morning, about ten o'clock, the
hour of low water, we made our initial
pitch " upon the sands. In less than
ten minutes, the crowds of holiday-
making folk in our immediate vicinity
had left.
" Soulless clods ! " murmured BUSTER-
COMBE, and then he executed a roulade
on the trombone which made a baby
burst into tears, whilst two other small
;hildren fled shrieking to bury their
leads in their nurse's lap.
" No good going on, here," said TIMSOX
irritably, "let's try somewhere else—
somewhere where they can better ap-
preciate good — well, fairly good —
music."
;' We'll play in front of the Hotel,"
said WorenoT : then, turning to me, lie
added: "What's the matter with your
concertina?"
I admitted that the instrument had
not given me the satisfaction I usually
experienced from its strains. It was
rather wheezy.
" I — I think it has sprung a leak," I
replied hesitatingly.
" Well, try to patch it up," growled
BUSTERCOMBE, as he tucked the trombone
under his arm and wt> all moved away.
We "pitched" rifiht in front of the
Parade Hotel and tried " Annie Laurie."
"Let yourselves go, boys," said
WOPSHOT in a stage whisper, and we did.
Halfway through our first " piece " the
Boots of the hotel suddenly appeared in
our midst.
" Beg pardon, Guv'nor," he said,
addressing me, " but the old gentleman
in No. 5 fays he ain't in very good
'ealth, and couldn't you go and work off
the rest of it somewheres else? "
I ignored this minion's words, and
we continued bravely to the end of
"Annie Laurie." Then I suggested
that we should do it again, as we were
rather short of music.
At the second bar Boots reappeared.
" Gent in No. 24 wants to know, Sir,
if there's any way o' compromisin' the
thing? 'E sa,ys that if a shillin' an' a
pair of old trousis is any use to yer —
"Go," I said sternly. "If he can't
understand music there are others who
can."
We worked on for another two
minutes, and then the wretched Boots
suddenly turned up at my side again.
" Take my tip, Guv'nor, slope and
look sharp about it. No. 24 '« gone for
his gun!"
We left hurriedly and in different
directions, and in the afternoon up train
shook our feet clear of the dust of a
place where the grossly materialistic
tendencies of the age denied a hearing
to errant art.
IT is stated that a new theatre is to be
erected in Dublin on the site of what
was originally a morgue. We hope that
the conversion will be thoroughgoing,
otherwise deadheads might think they
had a vested right to admission.
METHUSELAH ru DISTRESS. — "There is
a case at Scarborough at present, in
which it is stated that a young man
who has been admitted to the work-
house has run through a fortune of
£3000 in as many years." — Evening
Press (Edinburgh).
144
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVARI.
[AUGUST 24, 1904.
THE FORCE.
(From the Provinces.)
You see him strolling down the street in staid official blue,
Now pausing for a friendly chat, DOW studying the view,
Now deep in nothing ? Yes, it is the Constable, of course,
Or call him by the name he loves, videlicet. The Force.
He represents the majesty of Law, the State, the Throne ;
Our lives, our peace, our property depend on him alone,
Our guardian angel — Ah, but stay ! he scorns not honest ale,
And o'er a glass of foaming Bass himself shall tell the Uile.
Ou ay, Sir, things are quiet the noo— no what they used
tae be :
The fishers and the caddies whiles they fecht and drink a
wee,
But 'twasna them that troubled us— the Majors war the rub,
An' a' thae goufin' gentlemen that hang aboot the Club.
Eh, Sirs, 'twas waesome ! Dka nicht there wad be acht or
ten
A' wantin' hame but cudna get, they war sae fou, ye ken ;
An' whiles I 've seen the Force at wark the best pairt o' the
nicht
In pickin' up the gentlemen an' sortin' them a' richt.
Noo, aince there was a banquet comin' aff, an' weel I kent
What sic an enterteenment tae thae thirsty Majors meant,
Sae I wrote for reinforcements, an' they sent withoot delay
A man wha 'd been in bisness in the heavy porter way.
Weel, when the nicht was wearin' on, awa' we gaily went,
Each wheelin' doun a barrow that the stationmaster lent.
Eh ! what a sicht, Sirs ! what a sicht ! Sure never mortal
een
In a' this warl' o' sinners ever gazed on such a scene.
There war Majors on the table, there war Majors on the floor,
An' Majors in the passages an' inair ahent the door.
We took them up atween us jist as tenderly as eggs,
I grippin' them ahent the airms an' WULLIE by the legs ;
We laid them on the barrows an' I labelled them a' roun',
An" stairted aff the laddie tae deliver roun' the toun.
Jist hoo the muddle cam' aboot I really cudna say,
For I was gey an' fou mysel', an' sae was WULLIE tae ;
But onyways they a' got mixed an' jumbled up thegither,
An' when he left the bodies wrang, guidsakes, Sir, what a
swither !
Aweel, he 'd wrought an oor or mair, an' noo was weet wi'
sweat,
But no a blessed Major had he got delivered yet,
When — mebbe 'twas the change o' air, an' mebbe 'twas the
cauld,
Or mebbe 'twas the whusky that he 'd stowed intil his hald,
But whisht ! he thocht the scene was changed : aince mair
he seemed tae be
Wi' a barrow fu' o' jute bales in the docks aboot Dundee.
He stared hard at the Majors — then he stared at them again ;
The mair he stared, the mair the thocht took haud upon his
brain,
Until he had convinced himsel' beyond a shade o' doot,
An' he stairted for the harbour wi 's imaginary jute.
'Twas there I foun' him hard at wark at half-past twa or
three,
A-pitchin' o' thae Majors wully-nully in the sea.
My word, Sir, 'twas a lesson they '11 no readily forget,
An' some o' them 's rheumatic wi' the consequences yet.
An' gin they gie me trouble noo, as whiles they will of
course,
They quieten doun as sune 's I hint at doublin' o' the Force.'
EVIDENT. — "Very much up just now in London"— the
Streets.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
THE Baron has great pleasure in welcoming the third
edition, "revised and rewritten," of Classical and Foreign
Quotations ( WHITAKER), by FRANCIS H. KING, M.A.
It is a most useful work, especially for those
ready writers whose memory occasionally plays
them false. Well does the " author-editor-and-
teller," three separate functionaries embodied
in one, quote as a motto, " I 'exactitude de citer,
cost un talent plus rare que Ton ne pense."
The anecdotes and remarks illustrating and
•xplaining the quotations are not only instructive but really
good reading.
It is obvious, says my Baronite, that had Mr. WEATHERHY
CIIESNEY never studied Sherlock Holmes he would never have
written The Mystery of a Bungalow (METHUEN). Having made
the study, he needn't have made the book.
To the " English Men of Letters " (MACMILLAN) Miss EMILY
LAWLESS, more Hibernico, adds a study of the life and work
of MARIA EDGEWOHTH. The work is not forgotten, an account
reasonable within the limits of the volume being given. But
it is the woman, girl and octogenarian whom her country-
woman— herself distinguished in the world of letters — is
chiefly desirous of making known to a generation that no more
reads Tales of Fashionable Life, Moral Tales, Early Lessons,
The Parents' Assistant, or even Castle Rackrent. For this
last, by the way, wliich my Baronite agrees with Miss LAWLESS
in recognising as the crown of MARIA EDGEWORTH'S work,
the author received less pecuniary reward than for any other.
Patronage brought her two thousand guineas from the
publisher, who timidly advanced a hundred pounds for the
copyright of Castle Rackrent. To a generation that knows
not MARIA EDGEWORTH it is surprising to learn how, ninety
years ago, she -was the idol of the book world. London re-
ceived her with open arms. Paris laid at her feet the tribute
of its admiration. Sir WALTER SOOTT mingled personal affec-
tion with appreciation of her literary art. She visited him
at Abbotsford, and he paid a return visit to Edgeworthstown.
" Full of fun and spirit," he describes her in 1823 ; " a little
slight figure, very active, very good-humoured, and full of
enthusiasm." "An exceptionally pleasant woman, nay, an
exceptionally pleasant Irish woman," is the summing up of
patriotic Miss LAWLESS. Like good wine, MARIA EDGEWORTH
improved with time, dying in her eighty-third year full of
honours, enfolded in the arms of the love of all who had
known her, pressed most closely by those who knew her best.
THJi
BAEON
The Baron learns from a recent article in the Westminster
Gazette that Old Moore's Almanack for 1905 is already
published. Of course quite the appropriate time for pur-
chasing an Old Moore must be in 'the grouse season. The
oft quoted and well-known line under one of the earliest
illustrations to Oliver Twist
could be applied here by a sharp
Advertising Stationer, who might
display the picture, enlarged,
with the legend " Oliver asks for
Moore— and gets it "—for what-
ever the price may be. The
ancient Seer hears the Voces
Stellarum, and, with their
twinkle reflected in his eye,
professes to interpret their warn-
ings and prophecies. It is to
be hoped that the role of prophet
entails no loss.
DE
Auitsr .",], 1901.J
ITXCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI.
115
MR. SPEAKER!
i n;nM mi:
v, M.I'
I H\\I: M ..... 'limes wondered \vlial
I'o-itivi,-t illicit he. After reading Mr
Fuia>i:i,'i< II MMdsos's turbulent attacl
upon ilir Sn \KI:K, I know. A Poeitivia
would .-.eem to lie a man \vlio publishe
violent a->eilions about subjects o
which lie- i> |irrs(inally ignorant.
Mr. ll\iii!isn\, waking up to t'ni'
Parliament prorogued, makes savant
dash at retreating figure of SrKXKKK
incidentally doubling up 1'iiiM i: AIITIII l(
Of till- latter lie prophecies, " lie will )><
remembered as the Minister \vlio ha>
dragged down the honour of Statesmei
and the moral standard of public life t<
a depth which it i.vic; has not reaehei
since the times of Si M>I.I:I \MI or \i.\v
CASII.K." Of the SPI-: \hr.i: he >hinii~
"The ( lovernineiit secured his conni-
vauce ill tricking, deceiving, degrading
and muzzling the House of ('ominous
lie has sacrificed his character for fair-
ness, and has betrayed the historic
prestige of the ( 'hair."
Ptiivv. AnTiint may be left to defend
himself if he thinks it worth while.
Probably he won't. The SPK \KKll is
ijniie another matter. The traditions ol
his dignified, judicial ollice preclude hi>
entering the arena of personal contro-
versy. A.> far as 1 louse oi' Commons is
concerned this is, in speeial circum-
stances of the case, of little consequence.
Through ten long, occasionally troublous.
Sessions it has daily, hourly, watched
Mr. GULLY'S conduct in the Chair, has
had repeated occasion to recognise his
absolute freedom not only from party
bias that happily is a matter of course
in the (.'hair of the House of ( 'ominous —
but from personal prejudice, a victory
7 1 ion- triumphant when we remember
some of the temptations individualism
presents.
There is no public position more diffi-
cult to fill than that of the SPKAKKK.
The fierce light that beats upon the
Throne is the nearest approach to the
searching light, not always friendly in
intent, that steadfastly beams on the
SPI:\KI:I;'S Chair. Its occupant's auto-
cratic position adds immensely to his
difficulties. On points of order or pro-
cedure his view is absolute. Decision
on a knotty point may be. usually is,
called lor inMaiitcr. There is no time
lor consulting authorities or nicely
framing phrases. Straightway the
Speaker must decide, knowing as he
speaks that he is either sustaining, con-
troverting. or creating precedent.
Through this ordeal Mr. (ll i.i.v has
for ten years passed unseat lied. Marly
in his official career he received the
highest tribute the House ol Commons
ld botow. He was elected by a
small party majority in April, 1.H!»f>, and
MR. AND MRS. JONES'S WALKING TOUR.
(At the Siiali*,xare Hotel.)
Voice from tlie Office. " PORTER, TAKE Tins LADY ASU GKXTI.EMAS TO TUE ROMEO ASD
JULIET ROOM."
August of the same year saw the other
ide in office, in absolute control of siic-
ssion to the Chair. Four months'
xperience had convinced the Unionist
najority that in Mr. GULLY the House
had found a man supremely qualified
to maintain and enrich the high tra-
ditions of his stately office. He was,
accordingly, unanimously elected, a
compliment renewed when the next Par-
liament, still overwhelmingly Unionist
in its composition, met. This judgment
has since been abundantly justified,
never more strikingly and consistently
than in the Session just closed. For
Members of the House of Commons
these things are truisms. But as a
writer distinguished in his own field
has gone out of his way deliriously
to rampage through one he knows
nothing about, they may as well be
cried aloud in the streets.
An. r~: :;i,
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
149
COLD COMFORT.
Enthusiastic Young Poultry-breeder (to Jones, aa turkey gobbler sloicly bears down upon him). "lr YOU KEEP QUITS STILL, PERHAPS
HE WON'T FI.Y JIT YOU ! "
".When I reached my sixteenth birthday I came of age.
The event was to be celebrated with rejoicings throughout the
kingdom, and my royal parents thought to invite to the feast
;ill those who had attended the christening ceremony. And
now, my friends, I reach the critical and afflicting part of my
story. See on what trifles hang the destinies of nations or
of individuals. The royal writing-desk at which my father
conducted all the business of the State was a massive piece
of furniture, plenteously provided with drawers and pigeon-
holes, all duly labelled. It so happened that the drawer
labelled ' Invitations' was immediately next to that labelled
' IVrlarations of War.' In a fit of absence of mind, for
\vliich, I know, he never forgave himself, my father, whose
eyes, to be sure, were not what they had been, and who ought
long since to have been wearing spectacles, opened the wrong
drawer. He did not attempt to read the documents he took
IVoiu it, but simply addressed them, handed them to the
Seneschal to stump and post, and thought no more about the
matter. Tn less than a week Sablonia was at war with ten
Other nations ! ' Doubtless,' said my father, ' it was a careless
act of mine, but no King of Sablonia ever yet withdrew or
explained. "I'is against the traditions and the dignity of this
Royal House. Let them,' he added with that mixture of
lionliiimir and dignity that suited him so well, 'all come.
Sablonia is large enough to give them graves, and now,
gentlemen ' — he was addressing his Ministers and Generals —
'let us to supper.' In this undaunted spirit the great
conflict was begun.
"Amongst those against whom war was thus declared
was, as you will have guessed, my uncle the King of Plagi-
orosa, and to me was assigned the command of the army
opposed to him. Alas, both my father and mother had
forgotten, or they remembered too late, the fateful warning
received before my birth.
" Let me hurry over the intervening events and come to
the last dreadful scene. It was I who led the charge against
the fort which the Plagiorosans had defended with desperate
valour during a week of slaughter. I readied the fosse and
leapt over it, I sealed the steep escarpment, I mounted the
parapet and found before me the King, my uncle, surrounded
by the remnants of his guard. Shouting the battle cry of
' Sablonia victrix ' I dashed at him and plunged my reeking
sword again and again into his body. With one wild gasp
he fell to the ground dead, and I — well, you can realise the
rest for yourselves. I woke from the unconsciousness into
which I had been plunged by a random blow and found
myself a White Rabbit behind these bars."
Here the Rabbit paused. "I linger here," he resumed,
" till the love of a maiden shall release me."
" Then you'll have to linger a long time," said the Cat.
150
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 31, 190-1.
IT GOES TOO SWIMMINGLY.
A COMEDY or NATATION.
iSciXK— A lonely part of the bead/, near
I hirer. A man in a bathing costume
is- just about to enter the sea, when lie
is slopped by the cries of a stranger.
irlto rum: to liim and seize* hln arm.
Stranger. What are you doing?
Natator. I was just going for a swim.
Stranger. A real swim ?
Natator. Yes, of course.
Stranger. You really can swim? No
larks.
Natator. Certainly. To be frank, I
was just about to swim to 1'' ranee.
Stranger. To France ! It was what I
was dreading. How lucky I came in time !
Natator. Why lucky?
Stranger. To stop you. You mustn't
swim to France like that. It will never
do. Swimming to France is a serious
business. Hovy very fortunate I came !
\Vliy, you might have got there.
Natator. I hope I should. In. fact I
have no doubt about it.
Stranger. But, my dear Sir, you are a
child in these matters. Don't you know
that the one thing a Channel swimmer
must not do is to reach France ? Any-
thing— everything — but that. At least,
not the first time. And how can you
attempt such a feat all alone like this ?
It 's the most selfish thing I ever heard of.
Natator. Selfish?
Stranger. Certainly. Isn't something
due to Dover ? Isn't the public to par-
lieipate? Are no newspapers in need
o£ copy ? No pilots pining for work ?
No doctors requiring an advertisement ?
Selfish ? I should think so !
Natator. But it 's no affair of anyone
else. If I want to swim to France, why
shouldn't I ?
Stranger. Oh, don't ask me for par-
ticulars. All I say is, It isn't done.
There is an etiquette in these matters
just as in everything else, and we expect
people to conform. Have you told any-
one you were going to swim to France ?
Natator. No, I don't think so. The
last time I did it, nobody knew.
Stranger. The last time ! Great Hea-
vens, man, what do you mean ?
Natator. Why, I did it last year.
Stranger. And nobody knew?
Natator. No, I don't think so.
Stranger. Oh, well, for goodness' sake
go on keeping the secret. If it ever
leaked out it would ruin your future
prospects as a swimmer. To think
that you reached France ! — What a
terrible thing ! At any rate there must
be no more of it. Henceforward I make
myself responsible for you. I almost
wish you couldn't swim : the boom
would last longer then ; but we must
do what we can. We must find an
editor at once.
Natator. An editor !
Stranger. Of course. No self-respect-
ing swimmer would attempt the Channel
unsupported by a newspaper. Surely
you know that !
Natator. It had not occurred to me.
Stranger. Certainly, we must find an
editor. One of the halfpenny ones, for
choice. Or I don't think the Times lias
a champion yet ; we might try there.
Natator. And what is the next step ?
Stranger. After the editor, a doctor.
Natator. But I 'm not ill.
Stranger. No, but you will need special
diet, and this is prepared by a doctor.
Natator. Why mayn't 1 do what I did
before ?
Stranger. " Before " ? I implore you
not to use that word. Don't refer to those
unfortunate earlier experiences. Hence-
forward you must be scientific. We will
get a doctor. But I will meet you to
this extent : your diet shall be " a dark
secret." The public would prefer to
know, but something perhaps is due to
your own feelings.
Natator. And what has the public to
do with it ?
Stranger. Everything. Swimming the
Channel is a public feat. It belongs to
the public as much as Hampstead Heath
does.
Natator. But I want to continue to
swim the Channel as a private indi-
vidual.
Stranger. Don't say " continue " !
Please don't. It can't be done privately.
Such a thing was never heard of.
Natator. Very well, then ; what comes
after the doctor ?
Stranger. A pilot.
Natator. What does lie do ?
Stranger. He meets the other pilots,
at what are known as informal board
meetings, and they all mark out your
chart
Natator. But suppose I prefer another
route.
Stranger. It is no good. You must
obey your pilot. He knows best.
Natator. Very likely he can't even
swim.
Stranger. No pilot can swim ; but he
knows best.
Natator. And after the pilot ?
Stranger. A tug.
Natator. A whole tug ?
Stranger. Yes. Perhaps two. And
boats, filled with friends, to put off when
you have the cramp, or want more food,
or think of a message for your editor.
Natator. Anything else?
Stranger. Yes, a band to play cheering
airs through the dark night, and an
acetylene man to work the search-light,
and a gramophone cxpart.
Natator. It all sounds very expensive.
Stranger. That 's not your affair. We
sh.ill make the editor pay for that. But
I am going much too fast. I have been
talking as if swimming the Channel
were the thing. Preparing to swim the
Channel is the thing. Swimming the
Channel is a matter of a few hours ; pre-
paring to swim it takes months.
Natator. Not with me.
Stranger. You will want an hotel. Not
an ordinary hotel. An hotel with a court-
yard, where you can swing your hammer,
or indulge in whatever form of training
you fancy — and I should advise you to
hit upon a novel one.
Natator. lam in perfect condition now.
Stranger. Immaterial. You must train,
and you must have novelty. Why not
crawl from the " Lord Warden " to the
Castle every morning at nine, on your
hands and knees ? That would be very
popular. You could hardly fail to be
first favourite if you did that.
Xnlator. How long would the training
last ?
Stranger. Several months. Now and
then you might enter the sea, but not
too often. A public swimmer's true
place is on land.
Natator. And where do you come in?
Stranger. 1? Oh, I have considerable
interest in these matters. I am Chair-
man of the Society for adding to the
Popularity of Dover.
Natator. Well, you have been very
entertaining, but I must go now.
' I'lungex into the xea.
Stranger (in an agony). Where are you
going ? Where are you going ?
Natator (from the water). To France.
[Sioims to Frnnrc.
Stranger. Madman! Dolt!
lllelurns to Dover.
SPECULATIVE ARCHAEOLOGY.
[" An object which is thought to have been
used as a magnifying glass bv the Vikings
has been engaging the attention of the German
Society of Anthropologists at the Stockholm
Historical Museum."— Westminster Gazette.]'^
A CURIOUS relic, supposed to have been
HANNIBAL'S toothcomb when he crossed
the Alps, is now being exhibited at the
Museum of the Scalpine Club in the
Barberini Palace.
A tattered stri-p of textile fabric lias
been presented by Dr. KAHBADIAS to
the British School at Athens, where its
identification as a pair of Jason's Argosy
braces is being eagerly maintained by
the students.
A cylindrical stoppered case, which
Mr. SIDNFA LEE thinks may once have
been AJTXE HATIU\V\Y'S footwarmer, has
recently been the subject of an address
delivered before the Stratford -on- A von
Paloeontological Association by Dr.
Fl'RNIVALL.
Some brittle fragments, supposed to be
the remains of the shell of COLU.MHUS'S
egg, have recently been ' discovered in
the Alhambra, and are being carefully
AJCGUOT 31, 1901.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
152
__
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 31, 1904.
,.,,,,,.^, by the Committee of the
Amalgamated Boiler Makers Union of
A quaint metal tul)e, believed to have
vii the bicycle pump of TAKQUIMUS
>U>iM-;iti!i;s, has recently excited much
interest at a conversazione of the Anti-
Odd Fellows of Pozzuoli.
ECHOES OF THE BRITISH ASS.
BY the kindness of a Cambridge cor-
respondent Mr./ Punch is enabled to set
before his readers a full account of the
concluding proceedings in the Physio-
logical Section, which were unaccount-
ably omitted from the reports in the
daily papers.
SUCTION P. — PHYSIOLOGY.
The President of the Section is Pro-
fessor TRUEFITT, who delivered a highly
interesting address on the subject of
" The Physiological Interaction of Capil-
lary Splanchnics." Deviating from the
orthodox theory of the cryptoconchoid
convergence of the nenroblastic hexones,
Professor TRUEFITT sketched in outline
his own alternative theory, and concluded
with the following luminous summary of
his position : —
"The reflex arcs (of the pianistic
system) converge in their course so as to
impinge upon kinks possessed by whole
varied groups of individuals in common.
These kinks are responsive in various
rhythm and intensity, but are relatively
unfatigable, their activity varying in
harmonic progression and in a subfusc
ratio with the use of the loud pedal and
the tempo rubato. The animal mecha-
nism is thus given solidarity by this
principle, which for each effect or organ
allows and regulates interchange of the
artist playing upon it, a principle I
would briefly term that of ' the inter-
combustion of trypsinogenous splanch-
nics about their common efferent-root
neurone.' "
Professor HUGO GORLITZ, in the course
of the ensuing discussion, described the
results on the capillary system of a highly
sensitive pianolist of the administration
of the hexone base arginin both by
subcutaneous and intravenous injection.
The effect on the cincinnic nuclei or
bostrychs — which Professor TRUEFITT
called " kinks " — was instantaneous and
extraordinary, causing them to project
at right angles to the occiput in a fulvous
penumbra, to the delight of the spectators,
thus endorsing PAVLOVSKY'S view that an
aplonatic surface contained n foci.
Professor HAMILTON HAUTY, continuing
the discussion, differed from the view
propounded by the last speaker that the
efficiency of the pianolic product varied
directly with the development of the
cincinnic nuclei. On the contrary he
argued that greater efficiency was secured
by their elimination, inasmuch as it was
a matter of common knowledge that in
moments of intense excitement pianolists
had become entangled in the vortex
whorls of their own bostrychs to the
obvious prejudice of a fresh and synoptic
'interpretation.
Professor ENRICO UCCELLO, who con-
curred with the_ previous speaker,
deprecated the elimination of the pogonic
bostrychs, which often acted as a most
salutary antidote where cranial phala-
croma had declared itself. It was true
that eels were remarkably sensitive to
electric currents, a responsive fin-move-
ment of a reflex nature being readily
elicited. But the two cases were
emphatically not on all fours, though
ignorant persons still believed in the
transformation of horse-hairs into
eels.
Professor FtoHlZEL VECSEY, who spoke
in Magyar, said that some recent experi-
ments of his proved that in a chloro-
formed melomaniac the admixture of
alcohol with the chloroform led to an
increased capillary virtuosity with a
corresponding rise in the patient's
salarific capacity. Still he remained
sceptical as to the deleterious effects of
cranial or even occipital phalacroma.
The case of the Tibetans showed that
the most luxuriant capillary splanchnic*
might coexist with a deplorably catabolic
condition of the melo-mimetic muscle-
spindles.
Dr. KENNERLY RUMFORD, F.R.S., created
some surprise by boldly declaring his
inability to differentiate between tryp-
sinogen and trypsin, and vehemently
assailing SAUER'S theory of the instability
of the biogen molecule. He himself was
neither a bostrychophil nor a bostrycho-
phobe, but he cordially endorsed the
view of the last speaker as to the impos-
sibility of utilising the phalaeromatic
scale in symphonic variations.
Professor SIEGFRIED ScuuLZ-CuRTius
speaking in English, was understood tc
condemn Professor RUMFOHD'S Erastian
attitude as unworthy of his antecedents
and Ins tensitnra.
Professor LEONARD BORWICK, in pro-
posing a vote of thanks to the President
referred in glowing terms to the
splendid exertions of Professor TRUEFITT
in enucleating the pigmentation of th
capillary pandects, culminating in th
magnificent theory he had just promul
gated. It was impossible to forecast it
effect on the manipulation of SPOTSTROKE'
barless Xylophone. The motion wa
seconded by Professor P^BENEZER PROUT
and carried with acclamation.
[On another page appears a list of th
papers which were crowded out at th
British Association.]
HE CLASSICS VINDICATED.
[According to the Tmmicay and Railicay
'arid, the Brooklyn Rapid Transit Company
. endeavouring to secure students as conduc-
es and motor men. The experts can break
lem in with less trouble and in a shorter time
mn it takes to instruct other applicants for
le work ; and next year the Company hope to
nve over 1000 men of University training in
icir service.]
IT was once the ruling fashion
To regard a classic bent
As an evil kind of passion,
Branding men incompetent;
People thought the foolish scholar
With his useless 6, ij, TO
Wouldn't fetch a single dollar
When the world began to go.
But at last opinions vary,
And the scoffers cease to mock
At the virtues of amare
And the points of hie, hcec, hoc.
There are humanising forces
AVhich, it seems, can only come
From those ancient classic sources
Which the fresher calls Lit. Hum.
Not completely vain is knowledge,
Nor a literary taste ;
Nor are all your years at College
Absolutely wanton waste.
Latin verses have a virtue
Which no other study knows,
And it will not greatly hurt you
If you even write Greek prose.
Things like these are now admitted
Not entirely false and vain,
And the scholar is acquitted
Of a total want of brain ;
Even Balliol and New men
Who have burnt the midnight oil
May be equal in acumen
To the horny son of toil.
Neither in the point of morals
Need the Porson Prizeman come
Far behind the tramp who quarrels
With his neighbours in the slum.
Little pilfcrings disgust him,
And, without appearing rash,
You are fairly safe to trust him
With a little petty cash.
Therefore, when the tutors bore you,
When you shudder as you see
Years of labour stretch before you
Ere attaining your degree,
Sons of Isis, perseverance !
There is hope, 0 sons of Cam,
Still of making your appearance
On the tail-board of a tram !
SUSPENDED ANIMATION. — The report o
a cricket match in theNeiccastleEvenin
Chronicle says, "The weather was dul
and threatening, and a consideraM
amount of rain fell in the neighbour
hood, without, however, touching th
ground."
AUGUST 31,
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
CHARIVARIA.
It in untrue that we have decided to
take no action in regard to the sei/ure
and molestation of our shipping by
li'nssian cruisers. \Ve intend to lie
quite linn about calling the Russians
Pirates" in our newspapers and se
them j<illy well right.
The hu.Ai \.\\\\ is now having trouble
with some of his warriors, who insist on
being paid, and he is said to b<> in
communication with the Sultan of TIHKKY
to ascertain how he manages in similar
circumstances.
" Safety from lire mii-.t l;e the chief
characteristic <>f the ideal theatre," Mr.
AllTIIl It COM. INS has told an /-.'./-/lyrxx
interviewer. This may explain, lint does
not excuse, the minor importance attached
to the quality of our plays.
"Should actresses marry?" is the
silly - season topic now agitating New
York. The mnrc/r of the question is
amusing. How else could they get
divorced ?
Paris is much intrigued by the infatua-
tion of a rich and beautiful lady for
AUltcKi.iNK, the Hippodrome clown. We
see nothing remarkable in this. Not
so long ago a lady fell in love with a
writer of humorous paragraphs,
Frenchmen arc usually so polite that
we are surprised that M. YVKS GUYOT
should have read a paper to the British
Association in the presence of Mr. CUAM-
HKiti. vis's friend, Mr. BALFOrn, proving
that Protection is an evil in France.
The sale of the'Marquis of ANGLESEY'S
effects continues, and his 130 walking-
sticks and umbrellas will shortly be
offered to the public. We understand
that the stick with a donkey on the
hand'e is to be bought in.
Xo inquiry is to be held by the Board
of Trade into the alleged racing between
the Kuli-i-iidiii- and the Yarmouth Belle.
\"tri' le Sport !
While watching a performance at
the Crown Theatre, Peckhain, a youth
fell from the gallery into the stalls. He
felt uncomfortable there, as he was not
dressed for that part of the house.
• 'lose upon the statement that a
Tottenham shopkeeper, in testing a half-
sovereign, bit it in two, c es a report
that, at a meeting of the Leighton
Buzzard guardians, one of the work-
house officials, a vegetarian, asked if she
could have money in lieu of meat.
IN THE SAME BOAT.
"I DON'T THINK SHE'S PRETTY."
"NEITHER DO I." (After a pause) " DID SHE REFUSE YOU TOO?'
Horrible details of barbarous floggings,
suicides, and falls from ma«ts in the
British Navy have been supplied to Mr.
SWIFT MACNEIIX, M.P. Our sympathy is
all with the dupe.
Owing to the amount of attention it
pays to motor-cars the Guilford Watch
Committee is to be known as the Stop
Watch Committee.
Never was there such an epidemic of
boatingaccidents as this season. Twomore
Russian destroyers have folded mines.
Attention was drawn by Sir R. CONDY,
at the meeting of the British Association,
to the fact that fleas are often disease-
carriers, and it is thought that this may
put a stop to their being kept as
domestic pets.
It is semi-officially announced that the
black cat which was locked up in a
deserted sweetstuff shop in High Holborn
has been released.
New Police Song.
I SHOOT Broad Arrows into the air,
They fall and stick, I don't mind where.
WARNING TO CORRESPONDENTS. — Mr.
I'ain-k desires herewith to give fair
notice that, as soon as the number of
contributions containing the original
joke, " TOGO or not TOGO," reaches a total
of 1001, he will publish that jancfetprtt.
154
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
fn-sT 31, 1904.
Genial Old Gentleman. "WELL, MY LITTLE lUx, I MITUSK vui THINK YOIUPELF I-KKTIY CLKVER, KH?"
Little Man. " YES. Bi:r I DON'T THINK MYSELF so CLEVER AS I REALLY AM ! "
TO A MOSQUITO.
I'KM.MUIED the blood of politicians by
An editor's inexorable fiat ;
With wells of inspiration running dry,
And badly needing somebody to shy at,
I turn to thee, small scion of the jungle,
Of thee, elusive beast, this peaceful tongue'll
Make discourse in a mournful threnody.
The air is balmy and the setting sun
Invites repose, when lo ! thy puny trumpet
Informs mine ear that thou hast now begun
Thy evening operations on my crumpet ;
From one to other of my classic features
^ Thou gambolest, 0 least of little creatures,
Then comes a pause, and lo ! the thing is clone !
And thou art vanished into empty space :
In vain to paw the palpitating air ;
Still more in vain to slap the injured place,
In hopes to crush thee : thou art never there.
Securely cached in some adjacent cranny
Thou smilest on thy labours so uncanny,
And whettest thy proboscis for the chase.
A sudden swoop : an answering scream of pain :
^ And lo ! a strong man writhing on the ground,
Telling, in language fearfully profane,
What fate awaits thee, miscreant, when found.
And thou dost hear with ill-concealed elation
The tortured victim's yells of execration,
And sallying forth dost bite the man again.
The middle-aged, whose depilated crust
Has long been reft of Nature's crowning glory,
Kyr thy performances with frank disgust,
And speak of thee in terms profoundly gorv ;
And when they hear thy reedy 'vox Inmianii '
They swathe their apex in a blue bandana,
Intent to dodge thy weapon's frantic thrust.
And solid matrons, whom "those horrid flics''
Have rendered more than usually fussy,
As soon as thou appearest to their eyes
Scatter before thee, screaming' " Lawk a mussy.
He only whose intrepid hide is tougher
Than pelt of hippopotam thou dost suffer
To 'scape the dire effects of thine emprise.
The king his crown, the nobleman his crest
Alike thou pinkest with thy rapid pa.-s ;'s ;
With equal appetite thou dost infest
The shrinking top-knots of the middle classes.
One comfort only have we : to remember
How summer wanes anon, and cool September
Will shortly wipe thee out, insidious pest !
MR. CKESER, F.R.C.O., Mus. D. (Oxon.), has been visiting
\\ innipeg with the idea of establishing a centre for the
holding of examinations in connection with Trinity College
of Music, London, Eng. No doubt before now he" has con-
ducted the horns among other orchestral instruments, but
tins hardly justifies a Winnipeg newspaper in descr b'ng
him as a " musical director of Oxen."
Prxcil. oi; T1IK LONDON niAI.'IVAKI. Auoosr 31, I'.t'M.
A NATIONAL NEED.
POLICEMAN X. '"COURT 0' CRIMINAL APPEAL'? YOU'VE GOT THE 'OME OFFICE 'ERE. WOT
MORE DO YOU WANT?" JusTIffi. "I'VE TRIED THAT."
•KMVV X. 'WELL, THERE AIN'T NO OTHER. PASS ALONG, PLEASE."
AUGUST
1001.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIYAK1.
157
THE POLITICAL ROMANCE.
" \\';ir is imt without it< inlliiriii-i- cvi'i
i pen liti'r:iliirc \t this inoiiii'iit tin1 most
]i. pill. II' fcirm of lictioil i~ tlif ri'lllilllcr nf
polilioal !i(lvi>nliui> with a pivl'i-irtirr
for tli.isi' of wliii'h tin- • ' in Russia."
I>ili/'l I'lY.t* (
Arnxii upon this timely notice the
Editor at once wired to a deser\edl\
|>ii|>iilar aiillmr requesting him to fur-
nish immediately a serial <>n the above
lines. The first instalment (given
below) arrived by return of |HIS|, with
an intimation that the' remainder would
follow by the next delivery, and that
rlifilties should ho made payable to the
K\|nvss Fiction Company. London. We
append the instalment, and invite the
verdict of nur readers as to its continu-
1 '1:01.01; i K.
A reception was in progress at the
house of His Excellency the Muscovite
Ainliassador to the Court of St. James.
At midnight the crush was overpower-
ing, and as a consequence the magnifi-
cent xtilmin were almost uncomfortably
crowded with Princes. Diplomatists,
Adventuresses, and a sprinkling of elderly
noblemen, who provided the appropriate
comic relief to an atmosphere already
o[ ai[iie with intrigue and sentiment.
Leaning idly against a marble pillar,
the tall figure of Sir JoHV Bui.l.KNKlf,
liart., surveyed the dazzling scene with
e\es that seemed almost contemptuously
indifferent to the splendour that sur-
rounded him. An idle man this, you
would say. one of the spoilt children of
fortune, whom it would be difficult to
stir from his habitual lethargy. Per-
haps, but it may be also that very little
in life escaped the scrutiny of those
listless eyes, and perhaps too their
owner, once roused. \\as one who could
lie relied upon for as many adventures
as will go to a page octavo.
Presently a familiar voice at his elbow
attracted his attention, lie knew that
there was hut one man in Europe who
habitually addressed himself to the
elbows of his acquaintance, and turning
he saw beside him a figure with iron-
grey hair, and a general resemblance to
the late Prince HISMMICK, who wore over
his faultless evening dress the glittering
< >nler of the Adelphi.
"You here, titan iniii.'" said Count
CATCHEMOFF, extending one transparent
hand to the Maronet ; "Petersburg is
indeed honoured ! "
Like all well-bred Russians of political
romance, he spoke in French. If yon
are a Frenchman in these circles you
speak Russian, while if yon are an
Englishman yon generally say nothing
at all, but are either " taciturn " or "a
man of few words."
"Come." he inquired lightly, "is
THE RETURN INVITATION.
" PLEASE, MRS. ScBBirns, M\w«i SAYS SHE'LL BE QLAD IF YOU'LL COME TO TEA ON MONDAY.'
"WlTU PLEASI-RE, BKSSIE. TELL VOl'R MOTHER It's REALLY TOO KIND "
"On, NO! MAMMA SAYS SHE'LL BE OLAH WHEN IT'S OVEH."
there anyone to whom you desire an
introduction? Yonder by the window
is the Baroness iMx.ui MITA, the most
dangerous woman in Europe; the
bearded man beside her is the Vicomte
Bow-BcujB, whose gambling propensities
have ruined three Kmpires ; the tall girl
on his right is—
"Tell me. Count," interposed the
Englishman, "how it is that you know
everyone ''. "
'['lie Russian slightly shrugged his
shoulders. "Hit hii'it!" he replied,
"perhaps it is my business to know
everyone. Hesides," he added cynically.
"after all, there must be someone to
explain to our host who his guests are."
At that moment a young girl, en-
chantingly robed, passed them, leaning
on the arm of a be-ribboned diplomat,
with whom she appeared to be in ani-
mated conversation. Her beauty was of
that superbly indefinite variety which
appeals moat strongly to the circulating
library, anil her lovely eyes rested upon
those of JOHN Ht I.I.KNKI: with an expres-
sion at once defiant and appealing.
"And she ?" he inquired non-
chalantly, as the couple passed into the
further salon.
The Russian paused for a moment
before replying.
"That, my friend," he said slowly,
"is Her Serene Highness the Princess
H; OR THE LOyppy CHAB1
REVIVAL OF NATIVE GRAMD
.;.
• "--.•?;
or Earl drop a card CM
eir rank Ins bat jarred
rliect date
n« vfll not be bard on
poer under-^rdener ;
rnr Sunn
htr br etorm ;
e. So pardon ber.
he goes «• to explain that
, tbr D«ke ba* feis SIT :
I tbink «• d«e rdkctk*.
Coeaderimg who yrm are.
To« let jow jo"»g afcrtkm
Go TCTT Miicfc too fv.
Tbe oEnt pont to tovrb o^
Yo«r blood is far from bhw;
TwoMbl tanodi o*r esratebeeai
Woe ffe to marry TCML
10 tW la« thai the Doke, if be knew,
happiwe. Hence his
The Duke and the
_• -'-r.
afraid,
nd mortar
by tbeir delirkwdy beauti-
mom appear, and after
gft of (tX lady JMET
to join RCTEKT
in a
..-:
C*MDf« New Tmz.-Tke Ganlm oi
- :
•••g> ••*; r—"
•biib m ovobeard by theriUain of the
Mncuauw, a
. As be himadf
Cor the hand of Lady JiSET,
it is in the most
- _•:..:. -
Hurt rertamrr be
Lore is the aohr mortar
On«bb%adricelkan.
Too gnre us TOOT consent or
I 'm off to Gretaa Green.
A scene of indescribable ccnf nacm |
knre- ETwybodr present am-
mdodr, r*i«»™g bis or her own words.
"» extracted from Rrror's arms.
race, and at the most
- •:-.-: :
. End of Art One.
Act Two takes place in the drawing-
room of the Doke's Park Lane residence
Rcrcrr. it appears, received a months
paj in lieu of warning at an earn/ d
of the proceedings, and Yankhed with it
into the miV
engaged to JASET. and the weddir .
and retreats in
- .
the curtain falls.
An, MI ".I. 1 •
1TNCH, OR T1IK
CHARIVARI.
. s
o
•" B
E
O
o
< .,
1 3'
* 5
. *
tr
= d
1 g-
S 6i
g g!
8 r
lu £
tt .-
= !
100
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 31, 1904.
veins they are practically equals, obtains
from him a courteous consent, and clasps
JANET to his bosom. JASPER, re-entering
at the moment,
be celebrated within a week. A knock-
ing is heard at the front door, and shortly
afterwards a gentleman is announced.
And now we come to the more strictly
medical part of the opera. The gentle- ] marries a housemaid.
man is a celebrated doctor. It seems by the Duke :
that the Duke lias fallen ill. A'habit of
Irinking only one bottle of port after
recoils in anguish, and
Finale, rendered
dinner, instead of the tliree prescribed
by his medical adviser, has induced
anaemia, and his life is despaired of.
lint at the last moment a distinguished-
looking but mysterious stranger is
shown in. It is RUPERT, disguised in a
Go. ring the bells of the local church
In a rollicking sort of way.
For the nearest 'clergyman up and search,
He shall marry you off to-day.
Yes, as soon as he can shall the clergy-
man
Proceed to make you one in law.
Wli III. J.L lo All,! JMVl , Vlir>ti wiQv,vi i. «_ ..
teboard nose, a red beard, and large It's settled quite. (To rest) The gent on
ilue spectacles.
Duke. There is
He desires to see the
a brief interval, and
my right
blue sijeciuuies. AJC ucouco iv DV<^ »*.~ — „ ^
and Is my excellent future son-in-law.
then the door opens once more, and Chorus (amazed). Your son-in-law?
RUPERT re-enters, the Duke
leaning on his arm, practically
recovered. The Duke explains
his remarkable recovery in
the following song : —
Just now the doctors gave me
up,
I was so very ill ;
In vain I quaffed the bitter
cup,
And gulped the azure pill.
Transfusion of blood was my
only hope !
I sighed with resignation;
For I couldn't see who was
likely to
Submit to the operation.
Chorus.
No, he could not see
Who on earth would agree
To submit to the operation.
Mv frame was reduced to bones
and skin,
I felt extremely weak,
And when they showed this
gentleman in
hadn't the strength to
speak.
Consider then my surprise
and joy,
When I heaVd him say, "I '11 chance it ;
Ye shrewd M.D.'s, step this way, please,
And kindly bring your lancet."
With a fortitude rarely, if e'er, surpassed,
The process he endured,
Till, to put it briefly, I found at last
That I was completely cured.
And, by the way (for we ought to pay
Rewards to those who serve us),
Come, name your fee : whatever it be,
I '11 grant it : don't be nervous.
Chorus. All fears eschew,
Your fee is due,
So ask it : don't be nervous.
RUPERT snatches off his disguise,
explains to the Duke that, owing to
lucky ventures on the Stock Exchange
he is now a wealthy man, points out
that as the same blood runs in their
'Bengali 7Jabu (to friend who lias just relumed from lean spent in
the liiile). " Oil, MAS ! uow ROSY YOU ARE LOOKING ! "
Duke (decidedly). My son-in-law !
My excellent future son-in-law.
And I 'd like to suggest that he 's one of
the best
IB—
'horus. Who?
Dulte. My future son-in-law.
[Quick Curtain, folloired by deafening
calls for the Author.
FOLLOWING IT UP.
(Some entries in a diary.)
Entry No. 1. This war between Russia
and Japan will involve tremendous
consequences, and as an intelligent
citizen I mean to study it carefully,
making a precis of each day's reports.
Have purchased three books on Russia,
four on Japan, a Handbook to the
World' 8 Names, a Comjieinliuin of Mili-
tary Statistics, and a large map, with
movable flags.
Entry No. 2. Getting on nicely. Have
a grip of the whole situation, and could
give either side some valuable advice.
Men in the Club constantly ask me to
explain situation, which I do with great
skill. Continue to note up
each day's events ; probably
shall write a book on the
subject later on.
Entry No. 3. Matters be-
•oming a trifle mixed. Very
difficult to know where those
little flags should be placed.
War correspondents' tele-
grams less lucid than could
be wished.
Entry No. 4. Have spent
five hours this morning in
trying to analyse the news.
Attempt hopeless, so I shall
set down from memory the
whole of to-day's telegrams as
they appear in my favourite
journal. Having done so, I
propose to give up for the
present my study of the war,
and to wait until something
really happens.
Nankiixio, Aug. 25.
The Russian cruiser Kotch i-
icix/.-i/ has arrived here.
11.25 P.M.
As no Russian ship has
reached this port •within the
last fortnight, it is concluded
liere that the Taminisskoff squadron has
sailed for Pingpongipo.
Turn, Aug. 25.
The Koti-liiirixlii/ lias anchored here
A Chinese refugee reports that 50,54t
Japanese were killed yesterday. Th
position of Fitcli-foo is considerei
Society in the Stalls and Boxes.
ELEVEN LARGE BOX STALLS.'saddle-
room, hay loft, fine dry yard, best pump
water at the gate ; erected by PATRICK O'SHEE
for Lord CHARLES BENTINCK, and occupied by
him and I/jrd GEORGE SCOTT
honourable gentlemen.
and other
For terms, apply, &c.
Clonmel Chronicle.
Q. Give the French for "A Police-
man's Beat." A. Vn tour de Force.
precarious.
Cha-chong-chang, Aug. 25.
Nothing is more characteristic of th
Japanese than their manner of makinn
tea. For this purpose they use the driec
leaves of the herb, infusing them in
suitable quantity of water. Yesterday
was fortunate enough to witness th
whole process. The water is placed ii
a metal utensil, beneath which a fire i
kindled. After a few minutes the tern
perature of the water begins to rise
and when at length it boils ... (I omi
AUGUST ::i, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
101
the remainder of this account,
tills a column-ami a-half. i
'1'hr r.lth. -l^iiil, and ]">]>( hVgiments
have arrived heir.
]'llll'l- f/ltlHI I/HIIIJ, -\IIIJ. I'.l.
The Russian cruiser KotcTlVtcisky \vas
sunk in the engagements of May 21.
Heavy rain is falling to-d,iy.
dl 'enrii tuts advanced
one yen. ( leneral
|!ol \NKI is expected
short ly.
Quenki^pong,
Aug. 25.
It is wanner here
to-day. The rumour
I hat IT.llM Russian
troojis have been
captured at Arbi-
hang is untrue, and
is officially con-
iinned. A large
force is advancing
north-east.
The
price
'?,,
.\l . I
Slr llKNin
CHANCES MISSED AT CAMBRIDGE.
SOMI: <,f tlie i.aj.ers nnocoonntably "Pete and their Attendant Ladies,"
limited or held over at tlie meeting OJ |IV tl|(. (',, unless of \V\k\VICK
I T1* *.*!* ••• .»fll ^
"An Interview with \ enu-- and ( 'hlc .e.
the New (inrllas at I'egeiit's Park, with
lai i i n slides," by .Mr. II \i;o|.n liij.uii:.
the British Association were the follow-
ing :
as A. CHIMISTKV.
"The Effect of Low Temperatures
and Absolute Krostson Theatric;! I'lo-
ductions," by 1'rolcssor I>r.\v\n.
ALIVE 0!
Tin-: Chinese Ad-
miral TIM;, it was
long ago reported,
committed suicide
after his defeat by
tlie -lapanese at
Wei-hai-wei. He is
now, mi it'it. a mili-
tary mandarin at
Kwang-si. The
question that will
occur to those of us
who remember the
lay of " Poor Cock
h'l'lini " is, " Who
saw him die?" and
query with answer
may l>e formulated
thus : —
" \Vlio K:IW liim die?"
1," sa\ s tlie wri-
tri , " with my big eye,
1 s;u\- liim die !
At Wei-liui-Wei." .
There is so much
" I " about this, that
no \voudcr the re-
".Man viewed as a Worm," \\ith lime
light exjilosioiis, by .Madame SUIMI
SKCTIOX D.—
(!!•.' c.l.'M'IIV.
"The Where-
abouts of the |)M.u
LAMA," by proxy,
for Col. Youxdiu s-
BAND.
''Treasure -hunt-
ing and Sartorial
Finds in Anglesey,"
by Professor Alo-r-
ISAACS.
SECTION E.— ECONO-
MICS AND STATISTICS.
" A Comparison
between Protests
and Popguns as a
Factor in Interna-
tional Disputes," by
the President of the
A'ssoc'i.'atj'on, the
Right 'Hon. A. J.
BALFOUH, M.P.
"The Market-
valueol'a Solatium,"
by Mr. ADOLF BKCK.
" Doubles I have
Doubled from," by
Mr. G. R. SIMS.
SECTION F.—
Young Maiilter (to rlcal).
THAT TRUE?"
' I SAT, OLD CHAP, I HEAH TOU 'RE AN EXCELLENT RUNNER. Is
ll'irnl (eagerly). " RATHER ! "
Young Masher. " WELL, THEN, RUN HOME ! "
port should turn out to be "all his I."
Sergeant-Inttructm: When is the fixed
sight used ?
( Miliiiiinian. Against an attack of
Cavalry or other Fanatics.
rtu-nl
C(/i/ Fnen<l (visiting in
li'ii- n '. And tell me, AXHHKW. are you wi'
the Wee Kirkers, or the United Frees?
. Man, I'm gi'en' up releegion
a'thegither, an j'inin' tlie Auld Kirk.
" The Constituent Elements of Eggs,"
by Professor DANIEL LENO.
SECTION B. — GEOLOGY.
" Street Excavations and Fossil Pro-
cesses," by the Chairman of the London
Countv Council.
"The Fauna of the Upper Old Red
( 'nshion Deposits in the Third Class
Carriages on the Underground Railway,"
by Professor T. McKtNNY HUGHES.
SECTION C. — ZOOLOGY.
"The Whole-Hogger and its Habitats," |
"The Arts of
Obstruction and
Party Manage-
ment," by Mr.
LLOYD-GEORGE, M.P.
SECTION G. —
ANTHIIOPOLOCY
(LOCAL).
" Mixed Bath-
ing," by the Senior
Proctor.
" The Tobacco
- Question at Girton,"
by the Mistress.Jwith Demonstrations by
Students of the College.
MASTERLY DEDUCTION. — A report of a
stone-throwing case in the Totnes Times
and Devon News proves that the Totnes
Borough Magistrates, at any rate, know
what two and two make. The plaintiff,
said the Bench at the close of the case.
" had lost the sight of one eye, and if by
any chance he should lose the sight of
the other, he would be totally blind."
Logic can go no farther.
1G2
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 31, 190-1.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
Ix 1'lei'il.a (METHOEN), Mr. J. CHARLES WALL tells nmtikincl
;ill that it is possible.' to know, more than it is desirable t
believe, about a personality that siiu-f he masqueraded in
the Garden of Eden has possessed keen and abiding interest
He cites ancient documents, visits various shrines, read*
ancient books, and sums up his lore in a modern six-shilling
volume. Reading it, my Baronite finds many lifelong mis-
apprehensions removed. For example, Mr. WALL writes :
"A mistake is frequently made in supposing that all who
are represented with a circle round the head are saints." We
have not a monopoly of the decoration. Upon occasion the
Devil also wears the nimbus and trembles. Mr. WALL'S
delightfully prosaic manner of dealing with his sublime
subject appears in two instances brief enough for citation.
At the head of a list of illustrations is the line, "The Devil.
From a photograph." Hastily turning to the page indicated,
wondering whether it is a snapshot or not, we find that it
turns out to be the photograph of a weird sculpture in Notre
Dame, where the Devil, with a sly look on his face, is shown
gazing forth on gay Paris. In a chapter on the Devil's place
of family residence, Mr. WALL, after brief divagation, remarks :
'• But to return to Hell." There we must leave him.
Miss or Mrs. ALICE M. DIEHL is capable of inventing a
fairly good plot, but her Love and Liars (JoHN LONG) affords
pretty clear proof of her inability to make the best use of her
own invention in the form of such a novel as for its success
depends entirely on dramatic and descriptive writing. This
authoress has a marvellous store of epithets, which she deals
out with absolutely indiscriminate generosity. Her heroine,
who is "as fair as her aunt was brune," can "hiss," on
several occasions, as determinedly as an audience might
possibly do were such a character represented on the stage
by some ultra-melodramatic actress, if any such there be
nowadays. Great things would be demanded of any art i ale
to whom might be entrusted the part of Lin-in Paston in a
dramatised version of this novel. She would have to "hiss
between her teeth"; she must "pale to lividity" in answer
to her "spasmodically panting" lover's "strange half-wild
glance," and her eyes ought to " shine like stars " when she
is speaking "in a repressed concentrated voice so unlike
her own." The actor who might be cast for her lover would
not have an easy time of it. He would have to learn how to
"gaze around him with a sombre stare," he must appear
with "a miserable face distorted by conflicting passions, "and
it would be his duty to practise " agonised emotion " and
"hard, stifled sobs." What a triumph for the actor who
should succeed in this delineation of character ! The ninth
chapter ends with the exclamation " What does it all mean ? "
-and this is just what the Baron makes so bold as to echo,
ince he himself can only, with considerable difficulty, make
either head or tail of it, and can only trust that some of his
more determined stalwart followers may be able to overcome
all obstacles, and be rewarded for their perseverance.
My Nautical Retainer writes :— There can be no manner of
question as to the remarkable qualities of Mr. J. C. SNAITH'S
new book, Broke of Covendcn (CONSTADLE). Readers who
survive the preface -a somewhat tedious, if brilliant, tour <!<•
•force, in the Meredithian manner — will draw an exquisite
delight from Mr. SXMTII'S portraits of the Broke household,
which are in the very best vein of high comedy. The stolid'
pompous English gentleman, his half-dozen plain hunting
daughters, and their sporting uncle, Lord Uimhct -the last
a veritable treasure are drawn with astonishing felicity.
Mr*. Broke is perhaps too complex for her class and environ-
ment ; and Ladij I'xml.-et, like other people of her order who
make democratic excursions into literature, ought certainly
to have shed something of her antique caste prejudice. The
title of her most notorious volume, Poses in the Opaque, (com-
pare the names of those philanthropic schemes in which that
versatile worldling, the Honourable Mrs. Twyaden-Cockshott,
takes an interest — the Cottage for Blind Mice, or the Fund
for Providing Distressed Society Women with Tiaras), is an
example of the author's fatal tendency to deviate into the
improbabilities of mere farce.
For a writer with so strong a feeling for character, Mr.
SNAITH is, at times, strangely inconsistent. Respectable
county-town attorneys, such as Breffit, are not in the habit
of amassing fortunes of half-a-million, or developing the
worst features of the nouveau r'tclie : they do riot suddenly,
on retiring from business, adopt the practice of dropping
their aspirates, having given no previous sign of this foible.
The intellectual expansion of Delia, youngest of the Broke
girls, is no less incredible, and the author's judgment was
clearly at fault in his choice of a suitable hero to assault the
Covenden conventions and set free the inarticulate soul of
this seventeen-year-old. To produce the desired contrast he
should have been a gentleman by right of nature and
education, and not the insufferable prig that he is painted.
Mr. SNAITH enjoys a great fertility of language, but he
needs to keep down the undergrowth of his eloquence. He
is justifiably sure of himself within the range of his actual
observation, but he is apt to extend that assurance beyond
the present limits of experience. He has the gift of humour ;
and when he acquires that quality on its negative as well
as its positive side he will become as ke?n a critic of himself
as he already is of other and older institutions — Mr. Punch,
for example. His little gratuitous sneer at that venerable
sage may be easily excused as a pardonable ebullition of
youth. To be young is, after all, the most amendable of
faults, and meantime, while it undergoes correction, Mr. SNAITH
has the right stuff in him, and shows promise of better still.
Opportunely, when Japan looms larger than its own cir-
cumference in the world's eye, Mr. REGINALD FARRER brings
out a charming record of a visit to what he calls The (tiinlen
of Asia (METHUEN). The literary work is a little marred by
a certain " Haw-haw ! " tone, an attitude of " I have been to
Japan and you haven't ; or if you have, owing to your native
ignorance and uncultured taste you were taken in by the
native dealers, whereas they prostrated themselves before me,
noisily sipping their breath with delight at coming in contact
with A Man Who Knows." This, irritating at first, becomes
in time amusing, and does not, at worst, detract from the
merits of keen observation, sub-acid humour, poetical fancy,
and picturesque writing, that mark the book. Mr. FARREB
avoids the strong meat of political disquisition or commercial
inquiry. Japan is a delight to him, and the reader shares
the pleasure. Of the Japanese as a nation he writes :
"Nature, while denying them the possibility of invention,
lias endowed them with the capacity of endlessly improving
ind adapting each art of other countries on which they have
laid their hands." The first assertion is perhaps a little-
sweeping. The second is incontrovertible. When, twenty
years ago, my Baronite so-
journed in Japan, he found Ger-
nan officers drilling the Army,
British ship-builders equipping
the Navy, and Admiral (then
Jommander) DOUGLAS Director
of the Imperial Naval College.
To-day the German EMPEROR lec-
ures his Generals on Japanese
actics in the field, and the crews
if British men-of-war are about
to be manoeuvred on the lines
of the Japanese landing on an
enemy's shore.
THE
BARON
DE
Sri'lKMHF.K 7, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
163
OF THK "DAILY
riiT.i;."
[A rinprr for smokiTs lus incdeitasppecranoe.]
SPKCIM. features will include the
following: -
A grand new Serial Story by Dr. .!. M.
BAHKIK, entitled "Made of A ready, nr.
Tin' Mixture as Before."
Master Puffers : No. I., " Dr. UOIH:I;TSON
NIOOLL," I iy II UIOI.D BKCIIIE.
Our Own SvmpoMa : No. I., " Slinuld
Women Smoke Black Shag?" liy MAKII:
COKKI.I.I (author of. {ninth). YKSTA TII.I.KY.
OSCVK A.8CHE, and the Sul>-Kdilor ot
M..\.I'. (Mainly About I'ipes).
Kural Week-Ends 'l>y arrangement
with the J),iil;i Chronicle): No. I.,
" r'nsee-Yama and its Environs."
Master Smokers: No. I., Lord Brnx-
!I\\I, by II uioi.ii UKUUE.
Last but not least, we have pleasure
in announcing that we have secured the
services of a leading expert - Mr. T. P.
O'Coxxon. The famous editor's recent
confession, to the effect that, despite
repealed attempts, he has not yet suc-
ceeded in smoking a cigar, will he fresh
in the public mind. The titles of his
contributions will be:- -
" My First Weed," by TAY PAY (sic).
"Irish Cigars," by TAY PAY (sic mjn in\
MR. BROWN AT BREAKFAST.
I.— ON FOREIGN POLICY.
No, MARY, I don't like it— I don't like
it at all, I tell you. . . . Costs ninepence
a pound? What's that to do with
it ? ... Bacon ? Who was talking of
bacon? Just like you women, that is
always thinking about things to eat and
dress and silly trifles, even when the
Empire's in danger — yes, in positive
danger! (You might just tell KATE, or
whatever her name is, that if she can't
make better coffee than this, you will
have to eel another cook. It's not fit
fora pig . . . Eh? Do 1 want coffee
fit for a pig? No, Madam, I do not,
and yon know perfectly well what I
mean.) There you are again, you see —
talk, talk, talk, about wretched house-
hold details — bacon and coffee and such
like and you take no interest at all in
the late of the nation! ETHEL here's
just as bad nineteen last week, and
precious little ijou know. Miss, of what's
going on in the world ! As for TOM,
"Iy thing they seem to teach him
at that school of his is how to lie late
lor breakfast and I'm bound to say
lie's learnt tlml well enough! Now,
have either of you so much as lixiked
at the l>,u! ij ir/Yr this morning? . . .
^"1 much chance when 1 've been read-
ing it ever since it came? Nonsense!
you never read the paper, as yon know
il. (\\VIl.
THE WATER CURE.
Young Lady. "So YOU'VE BEEN ON THE CONTINENT, PROFESSOR?"
The Professor. "YES, I'VE BEEN TO MARIENBJ.D, TAKING TUB BATH?, Tot KNOW."
Young Lady. " REALLY ? THAT WAS A CHANOE FOB YOU, WASN'T IT ? "
perfectly well, except the part about
fashions. . . . Yes, I '11 explain, if you '11
try to show a little intelligent interest
for once. Now just consider our posi-
tion in the Mediterranean. We '11 sup-
pose this milk-jug is Gibraltar. In
between the knife and that cup is the
Suez Canal. ETHEL, I '11 trouble you
for that piece of toast off your plate. . . .
Just going to eat it ? Oh, and of course
your breakfast matters more tlian the
destiny of Europe ! Well, then, I '11
have a lump of sugar — no, I'm not
" pawing the whole dish "—-that repre-
sents Malta. (Good morning, TOM — late
as usual! Give you the milk-jug?
Certainly not; Gibraltar is the key of
the whole position — even you might
know that much!) Well, then, if Ger-
many and France and Russia combine
against England, as they 're certain to
do. ... How do I know it ? Common-
sense, Madam, sheer common-sense, and
an ability to look facts in the face.
Besides, the Daily Wire says so. You
might have seen that for yourself, if
you 'd taken the trouble to look at this
morning's paper. And if only our
PiiisiE MINISTER had a little common-
sense too, instead of talking stuff to the
British Association which even I can't
make head or tail of ... What ought
he to do? Why, send a plain ultimatum
all round, saying — bless my soul, it 's
a quarter to ten — I shall miss my train.
If you '11 tell the maid not to move the
breakfast things, I'll explain when I
come back. . . . Oh, just as you please.
Where's my umbrella? But if you
would only take a bit more interest in
politics, MARY — yes, the brown gloves —
and weren't so wrapped up in household
trifles . . . well, I must start. Oh, by the
way, there 's a button off my garden
coat ; you might put it on by this
evening.
Reminiscence of Balfe.
ON board a steamer, in one of the
principal cabins, the berth wa? placed
so high up that the occupant on sud-
denly sitting erect, found his head in
sharp collision with the ceiling. Then,
mindful of the old song, rarely given
nowadays, he sang out, as he rubbed his
cranium and joyfully acknowledged that
lie had not been wounded,
" My berth is noble and unstained my crest ! "
And so, thinking confusedly of Bohemian
Girls in Marble Halls, and so forth, he
dropped off peacefully to sleep.
164
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 7, 1904.
ARMS AND THE SHOWMAN.
I.
"L" ENTENTE CORDIALE."
BY assisting at the first performance of the new Alhambra
Ballet, I have greatly strengthened an old conviction with
regard to the limitations imposed upon decorative art.
Wherever an artist has been called upon to cover a given
space, whether he composes a frieze or a fresco, a panel or a
mosaic, or arranges animated groups to fill the framework
of a stage, nothing is more exhausting to the spectator than
the suspicion of symbolic or allusive intention in the design.
To do justice to the makers of ballets, though they commonly
betray a passion for allegory, yet the intellectual purpose of
their creations is seldom obtruded ; as a rule, their " mean-
ing," in the language of CALVERLEY'S immortal ballad, "is
what you please."
But the authors of L'Entente Cordiale could not escape the
historic obligations of their task. A brief review of the
chronicles of war was necessary if the audience was to
appreciate the harmony now prevalent (with negligible
exceptions) among the nations of the earth, and notably
between England and France.
The curtain rises upon the " Grove of Concordia." Here
we have the customary assortment of female abstractions —
Peace, Truth, Science and Progress. They are busily engaged
in an attempt to induce the great armed Powers to dispense
with their weapons. Russia, by an exquisite irony, which
further enjoys the almost unique support of fact, is the
first to fall in with this moral proposition. There is no
saying what might have been the happy result of her
initiative; but at this juncture a diversion is created by the
entrance of a figure whose counter-influence proves to be of
the most deplorable. From the quaint style of his armour,
and from his facial complexion, 1 judge him to belong to
the ancient order of the Japanese Samurai. In a moment,
by taking a couple of strides this way and that, and pulling
up short with an accent on the second, he has everyone at
loggerheads with his neighbour.
The fell horrors of war are now scenically portrayed, and
a gigantic figure of Bellona, painted in a bronzy yellow, with
an extremely repulsive cast of countenance, occupies all the
available space of sky. The audience, ever ready to sympa-.
thise with Japan, remains taciturn, reserving its judgment of
the part played by our ally in the development of this porten-
tous denoument. But a perusal of the Synopsis reassures
us. It is not a Jap at all ; it is just the " Demon of War."
The drop-scene falls. On it is represented a monstrous
war-chariot, coloured like Belloua, and with NAPOLEON and
other notorious Men of Blood acting as postilions. In the
vehicle itself is a figure in which I think I recognise a portrait
of the late Mr. GLADSTONE in middle life. This historical
group, coming so soon after the awful spectacle of his own
sinister handiwork, is too much for the "Demon of War,"
and he ultimately retires baffled.
It is in the "Temple of Peace," as distinct -and a very
nice distinction — from the " Grove of Concordia," that the
second great scene is laid. As if to emphasize the success of
the Hague Tribunal, two groups of Cossack and Japanese
ladies, all in the most unbecoming uniforms, go through
their respective evolutions. Next, with a sudden revulsion
to the past, we are shown a frontier disagreement between
six Italian ladies of the Bersaglieri and half-a-dozen Austrians
of the same sex; and then, in the living words of the Synopsis,
" to end the dispute as to which Nation is paramount, Germany
is called in, and settles the matter by forming a triple
alliance."
Broad effects are of the essence of this kind of spectacle ;
and it will be readily seen that the rule played by the third
NAPOLEON in the emancipation of Italy from the Austrian
yoke, as well as the affair of his subsequent misunderstand-
ing with Prussia, is here suppressed from a laudable desire
to avoid elaboration of detail.
Follows a short but spirited flirtation, in which the two
rivals, England and Russia (the latter armed with the knout
for this amorous occasion), contend for the affections of
France. It ends in favour of an Anglo-French combination.
And now ensues an episode with telegraph-poles, which I
must reluctantly condemn on the ground of a too elusive
obscurity. I do not trust to my own puerile powers of inter-
pretation, but fall back once more on the Synopsis. It tells
me that " the Russians commence to run the telegraph
through to notify their Government of the events " (pre-
sumably the evolution of "L'Entente Cordiale"). "Some
Japanese damsels arrive" (always so intelligently anticipative,
these Japs). "They are followed by the Americans, who,
seeing that tlie tcler/raph will be detrimental to their oicn
interests, and those of their Eastern friends, bid the Japanese
to sever the wires and so cut off all connection with Russia.
The latter nation enters, and seek (sic)' to envelope the little
nation with their national flag, but the little Japs . . . .
defy the manoeuvres of the sturdy Russ." I have ventured
to italicize the passage which seems to me to err most on the
side of over-subtlety.
Eventually all the naval and military members of the corps
de ballet come on with a flag in each hand, and there is a
fascinating "Mazurka des Rubans." Red and blue streamers
suspended from the vault of heaven are interlaced and un-
ravelled with the most charming dexterity. All ends with
a " Grand Galop " of the nations and the " Apotheosis of
Peace " ; and a delighted audience troops out to buy the
latest edition and see if Port Arthur has fallen.
In looking back upon this unparalleled spectacle I suffer
an altruistic regret. I cannot bear to think that the increas-
ing refinement of our Music Halls has still left a prejudice in
the minds of some parents against the admittance of their
children to such performances. For I fail to imagine how
the lessons of history could be imparted under a more
attractive and insinuating disguise.
ir.
"THE C.IEVALEER."
I pass to the new drama at the Garrick, which must be
content with second place in this inadequate review, for
the reason that more brain-work seems to have gone to the
making of the Alhambra Ballet than was spent upon The
Chevaleer. I gather from a student of preliminary booms
that Mr. JONES'S latest play was designed for a "comedy
of conscience." I dare not say whose " conscience " is in
question ; the author's or that of his puppets. But as to
"comedy," though the elements of it are there under certain
rather venerable aspects, I am very sure that this drama as
a whole is not to be referred to any such distingiiisln>d
category.
It would not be fair to judge of the nature of a play, as
you would determine the strength of machinery, by its
weakest components, but it would be equally impermissible
to assign to the play itself a dignity above that of its domi-
nating figure. And hero the dominating figure belongs
to the realm of farce. In vain the subordinate persons
of the drama put restraint upon themselves in their
laudable desire to maintain the higher levels of rome.ly,
however hackneyed : it is useless for Miss NANCY PRICE
(not greatly assisted by natural aptitude for the part) to
play the character of a woman of society; it is useless for
Mr. NYK CHART (also labouring under like disabilities) to
present a sporting baronet; it is useless for Mr. WALTER
PEARCE to illustrate, with admirable reserve, the difficulties of
a love-sick Eton boy. Hardly may they begin, from time
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SEFFEMBER 7, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
1C7
(calling on new Vicar's young Wife). "HAVE YOU SEEN THE LIBRARY AT THE HALL? SIB GEORGE is QUITE A BIBLIOPHILE, YOU
KNOW."
Vicar's Wife (trarnilij). "On, I'M so GLAD TO HEAR THAT! So MANY OF THESE WEALTHY MEN HAVE yo RELIGION!"
to time, to express their identities, when in breaks, with
untiring importunity, the shameless hero of farce, bodily
emerging from the page of DICKENS, and insisting on his
own eccentricities with an iteration that DICKENS alone has
ever compassed hitherto. Mr. BOURCHIER'S Showman is a great
personal triumph : but, after all, the play 's the thing ; and with
great deference I must doubt if any human actor-manager
would have accepted a drama in which a single character,
drawn impossibly out of the picture, so absorbs the stage to
the confusion of all dramatic proportion and consistency,
unless the part had been expressly adapted to his own gifts.
For the sake of Mr. BOURCHIER and his cast — in particular Miss
VIOLET VANBRUUH, who plays a thankless, silly character with
unfailing self-repression and artistic generosity — I could
wish The Chei-dli-ci- a long and vigorous life; but for the
sake of Mr. JONES, regarded as an exponent of the Higher
Drama, 1 can only desire for his latest illustration an early
and decent oblivion. 0. S.
Accommodation for Kan and Beast.
LT LIBERTY, Wanted, situation as Groom-Gardener or Gardener
and cow ; middle-aged ; good refs.— Yorkshire Post.
MORE KNCIUSH AS SHE is WROTE. At an hotel at Socrabaja
in .lava is this notice :
From the hours fixed for meals on no account will be deviated. For
damage to furniture the proprietor will avenge himself on the person
committing the same.
OUR DUMB PESTS.
[With acknowledgments to the "Daily Mail" correspondence on the
topic of Hart-eel Bugs.]
THE HOUSE FLY.
SIR, — "TORTURED" should, before taking his siesta, apply
to his head a fairly thick coating of treacle and quicklime,
mixed in equal parts. This will speedily stop the nuisance
he refers to. The treacle attracts the pests, which are thus
brought into contact with the quicklime, from which escape
is impossible. ONCE BITTEN, &c.
EARWIGS.
SIR, — Those who are subject to the armed onslaught of
these formidable little creatures will find a full-sized flower-
pot, half-filled with straw and placed on the head, a well-nigh
infallible remedy. DAHLIA.
WASPS.
SIR, — I have found the best plan is to boldly take the
" bull by the horns," or, to be more accurate, the wasp by
the waist, and promptly extract the sting, thereby rendering
the insect harmless.
I have never known this method to fail. KETCHUM ALIVO.
THE Doas OF WAR.—" It is estimated," says the Yorkshire
Evening Post, " that Generals KUROKI, NODZU, and OKU between
them have at their disposal 210,000 men and 30,000 collies."
108
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 7, 1904.
FflOM NEXr YEAR'S MAGAZINES.
Jiritjht and thoughtful reading about
Science, Great Men, Great Inter-
vieioers, and Furniture.
Flying for All.
I ix) not pretend that the aeroplane
will shortly he within reach of all ; hut
a time is surely coming when all but
improvident artisans will he able to
reach their place of work by this fas-
cinating vehicle. At present they are
certainly dear. A forty - eagle - power
(equal to forty-thousand-sparrow-power
— the Java unit being a sparrow), a forty-
eagle-power aeroplane, which will easily
do its hundred miles an hour with eight
passengers, costs, it is true, a small for-
tune. But that is an excessive type.
For ordinary purposes a four- or six-
eagle-power machine is sufficient, and
this will shortly be obtainable for a few
hundred pounds, or a small weekly sum
on the excellent hire system. — Mr. HENRY
NORMAN, M.P., in The World's Work.
9 The Debacle of the Free-
Fooders.
No spectacle in recent times has
afforded me greater satisfaction than the
ghastly catastrophe which hurled the
shattered .phalanx of the Free-Fooders
into well-merited and eternal oblivion.
Riddled hy argument, annihilated by
the superb and almost divine denuncia-
tions of Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, pulverised by
the lofty eloquence of Mr. HENRY CHAPLIN
and Sir HOWARD VINCENT, their base and
disgraceful intrigues blasted into
smithereens by the invincible logic of
Professor HEWINS, this pitiable band of
measly Mandarins, of fatuous Free
Impostors, perished unwept, vmhonoured
and unsung. — " Episodes of the Month "
in the National Review.
X Burlington Housa still Peccant. S
The report of the House of Lords
Commission that inquired into the ad-
ministration of the Chantrey Bequest is
the thin end of the wedge. We must
now exert every nsrve to achieve the
other reforms that too long have waited.
To begin with, there is the scandal of
the Hanging Committee of the Royal
Academy. How is it possible for Bur-
lington House to exhibit good pictures
if they are chosen by a committee of
Royal Academicians ? A Commission
must l)e appointed by the House of
Lords to inquire into this retrograde
custom. The Royul Academy must have
its <-luws pared in every direction. Why
not reserve its walls entirely for young
artists, and relegate the Academicians to
Madame TUSSAUD'S ?— Mr. D. S. MAoCoLL
in the Fortnightly Revieio.
I The Religion of Sandwichmen. |
It may not be generally known, but
it is none the less a fact, that the
sandwichmen of London are deeply
interested in theological problems, and
are, almost to a man, strong supporters
of the Higher Criticism as expounded
by HAKNACK and the Abbe LOISY. Im-
prisoned in the grotesque harness of
their calling, they indemnify themselves
for their bodily discomfort by indulging
in the most profound mystical specula-
tions. This is all the more remarkable
in that the natives of the Sandwich
Islands, from which this interesting
body of men was originally recruited,
evince no such tendency, and are still
lamentably prone to the grosser forms
of superstition. — Bishop WELLDON in the
Contemporary Review.
The Fat Boy's Surprise.
W. A. And now, my dear Sir, will you
confide in me the secret of your imposing
avoirdupoisity — to coin a heavy word !
J. T. I regret to say that I am not in
a position to do so.
W. A. Indeed ; then may I be per-
mitted to assist you in changing your
position? Perhaps a reclining pos-
ture —
J. T. You misunderstand me.
W. A. Surely not? I have been con-
ducting these Conversations for some
years, many of my interlocutors being
persons of commanding intellect, and
the charge of misunderstanding them has
never before been brought. I may have
misrepresented them ; never misunder-
stood them.
J. T. None the less, you misunder-
stand me. When I say I am not in a
position to give yon the secret of my
bulk, I mean I am not allowed to
divulge so valuable a pifC3 of informa-
tion. I have my father, my future, to
consider.
W. A. Then, if I may ask the ques-
tion, why did yen consent to this inter-
view ? Surely you expected some such
question ?
J. T. Indeed, I did not. Not from
one so learned, so intelligent, so discur-
sive and soliloquistic as you. It never
occurred to me that you would speak of
anything so much to the point, so obvious,
as my size. I imagined with confidence,
and my father shared the view, that you
would treat me merely as a peg on
which to hang a number of entertaining
monologues. — Mr. WILLIAM ARCHER'S Real
Conversation with Mr. JOHN TRUNDLF.Y,
of Peckham, in the Pall Mall Magazine.
Football and the Pen.
It is certain that nothing can be done
for Football until better facilities for
literary work are offered to its practi-
tioners. To the circumstance that the
cricketer has long spells of leisure, and
a comfortable pavilion in which to put
his thoughts on paper, may be attributed
the position which the game, once so
unobtrusive, has recently taken in the
public eye, and the large receipts at the
gates. Until intervals for writing are
provided in every football match, and
until every footballer acquires the rudi-
ments at least of syntax, I see no hope
for the game. It must remain what it
is now. I look forward to the day when
every footballer, like every cricketer,
sends an account of his emotions and
triumphs, his hopes and fears, to the
Press Association, or other medium, for
publication throughout the land. — Mr.
C. ARTHUR PEARSON in Pearson's Magazine.
***«*******•**••**** **t*******4Hg
' The Romance of the Clothes- !
Horse.
The origin of the clothes-horse is
wrapped in mystery. Its first mention in
literature occurs in BALEN'S Memorabilia,
1631, but the text is corrupt and the
author may possibly be referring to a
gridiron. Once so rare, to-day every
house has one or more of these artic Ics,
and more than one connoisseur has
collected them. A very extensive
collection was dispersed at Christie's in
1876, one specimen, in ormolu, inlaid
with mother of pearl, fetching four
hundred guineas. It is now in the
possession of Mr. PIERPONT MORGAN. The
best English collection at the present
time is that of Lord NoRTHALJJJBTOH at
Bingway Hall. The late King of HOLLAND
invariably gave clothes-horses as wedding
presents, just as Queen VICTORIA was
addicted to Indian shawls. — The Rev.
S. H. BENSFORD in the Windsor.
'••
Why Vecsey became a
Vegetarian.
In order to build up my stamina and
technique a meat diet was temporarily
necessary. But on the completion of
my fourth year my physique was
thoroughly consolidated, and being
desirous not to sacrifice delicacy of
touch to robustness of conception I
forthwith abandoned the ranks of the
flesh-eaters and have since subsisted
exclusively on milk and macaroons, milk
supplying sustenance and macaroons the
SKPIKMHKK 7, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
169
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170
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 7, 1904.
pirit mil, ethereal element which is
onspicuons in my interpretations,
'KAN/, v<>\ YKCSKY
'in the now weekly
'ersonal Supplement of the Time*.
*«»»••**«**•«*••»«*••*»*»»«»•»<
Is it Napoleon again?
Well," said T, as I sipped my
I,, ,,,,'nilif in the most fashionable
,ondon's restaurants,
doit?"
oJ
and how do you
own life— whether the word of command
be given or not. Any infringement of
this order must be immediately reported
(in duplicate) on Army Form B 216 (Blue).
Scouts should always be in advance of
the main body, and not in the rear, as
at previous manoeuvres.
No officer will be permitted to take
with him more than one wagon-load of
kit, and lounges and billiard-tables are
,
distinctly prohibited.
If it is suspected
that there are
..
He passed his nervous hand wearily
uver his 1'orehead, pushing back the
Niagara of flaxen hair that flowed over
liis powerful brow. An interesting man,
this Reader. Slim, fair, boyish-looking,
quietly dressed like an ordinary English
country gentleman ; but under the calm
exterior— what Titanic forces !
Is there, I often wonder as I pull
luxuriously at my cigarette, is there
anything in re-incarnation ? Sir OLIVER
LODGE says not; but it is difficult to
know always what he means by what he
says. Professor MAYOR of Cambridge,
that stealthy elderly humourist, says yes.
Where does the truth lie ? With LODGE
or with MAYOR? Ah! Yet looking at
this quiet, reposeful, yet volcamcally
powerfid, masterly man before me, as I
pour out some more of the costly liqueur,
I am convinced that NAPOLEON lives again.
The Man of Destiny surely is before me.
__ Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE'S article on Sir
ALFRED HARMSWORTH in his series of
"Mammoth Magicians" in the London.
partridges on the line of march, the
commanding officer will immediately
halt, and send forward a reconnoitring
party: should partridges be reported, a
notice (A0421— White) shall be sent
forward by an orderly (dismounted and
disarmed), informing the birds of the
approach of troops.
If the game in question evinces no
inclination to retire, a wide detour shall
be made.
Artillery shall not drive their guns
over any inhabitant— no matter what
his or her sex may be.
In the event of any officer, N.C.O., or
private being seriously injured, he
shall be immediately taken to the neat-cut
hospital. In the case of a broken leg,
he shall not be permitted, under any
INSTRUCTIONS FOR ARMY MANCUVRES.
(Revised.)
["Care is to be taken to avoid disturbing
game. If any game is started, it is not to be
pursued.
•'The inhabitants are at all times to be
treated with the utmost civility.
"When troops have passed through gates,
the officer in command will see that the gates
are closed after the troops have passed."]
THE above are a few of the general
instructions issued by the Chief of the
General Staff for the guidance of the
troops taking part in the manoeuvres
this year. Several contingencies seem
to have been overlooked in preparing
these General Instructions, and we beg
respectfully to fill in the gaps I—-
No officer is permitted to question
any person under the age of seven as
to his whereabouts : he will consult the
Ordnance maps provided for that purpose.
Umpires and officers commanding will
accompany the troops and not remain at
hotels— unless it is unavoidable.
Every precaution should at the same
time be taken that the respective divisions
bivouac in the neighbourhood of decent
hotels.
In the event of a transport sinking,
every man will be expected to save his
circumstances, to walk.
In case of any question on the
part of the umpire as to which of the
opposing forces has been placed liors de
combat, the decision must be in favour
of the Commanding Officer holding the
higher rank.
As the service rifle is not effective
beyond a range of 2,000 yards, the
enemy must not be fired upon unless
he is within that distance.
No pains are to be spared to give
foreign Attaches all the information
possible concerning our methods, guns,
and defences.
Should there be any doubt as to
whether a certain force is friend or foe,
an officer (not below the rank of Major,
and accompanied by six orderlies) should
be sent forward to make inquiries of
the Commanding Officer of such force,
who will be expected to state truthfully
and lucidly what he is, the strength of
his force, and his future intentions.
But it is pointed out for general in-
formation that such Commanding Officer
is not to offer the Major any refreshment
whatsoever.
Should it be found that the rifle or
gun fire annoys cattle, sheep, or poultry,
"cease-fire" will be sounded, and the
circumstance must be at once reported
A SHATTERED ILLUSION.
[Suggested by the views of a Times corre-
spondent on the cult of the Edelweiss.]
ON everything poetic
Your moderns look askance :
And daily Prose deals frequent blows
Destructive to Romance.
But though Romance is dying,
Like everything that 's nice,
Since I was young I Ve thought it hung
Around the Edelweiss.
"I was plucked, I deemed, by lovers,
Who braved the Alpine snows',
And hung for weeks from icy peaks,
Suspended by their toes :
They cared not though beneath them
There yawned a drop of miles,
But with' a grin they roped it in,
And won their lady's smiles.
But now it seems that perils
Need not be faced at all :
You only need to buy the seed,
The price of which is small ;
And in the heart of London,
A mile from Temple Bar,
You plant in earth your pennyworth,
And then — well, there you are !
Oh, Times' s correspondent,
You might have spared us this !
We did not know that this was so,
And ignorance was bliss.
If further revelations
You chance to have in store,
Be generous, please, and spare us these,
I hear they don't want more.
to the nearest umpire.
On the completion of the manoeuvres,
if there is any doubt on the part of the
mnpire-in-chief as to which side has
been victorious, he shall consult the
halfpenny newspapers and give his
decision accordingly.
THE DRUG HABIT AND ITS VALUE.
[Impressed by the enlightened example of
his daily contemporaries, Mr. Punch has deter-
mined, "without making any extra charge, to
furnisli his readers with valuable advice as to
the best way of securing health and happiness.]
THAT the drug habit is on the increase,
especially amongst persons of refined
tastes and powerful intellects, can no
longer be denied. But it is only
amongst the most hide-bound obscuran-
tists of the profession that this fascinat-
ing habit meets with any condemnation.
It is undoubtedly true that hashish is a
potent cause of insanity in Egypt, and
that the excessive use of morphia, opium
and cocaine is not conducive to longevity,
but the high-minded and highly-strung
modern epicure must not be deterred by
such paltry considerations. Besides, he
need not indulge in any of the drugs we
have enumerated, inasmuch as fengol,
the newest and most subtle of these
PASSPORTS TO PARADISE,
is infinitely more efficacious, deleterious,
and economical. Fengol is an oily
pungent liquid distilled from a rare
Bolivian bulb. In taste it resembles
the most ferruginous Australian Bur-
gundy, and can be had in stoppered flagons
SlTIKMIIKR 7, I'.MII.J
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
171
f'nii 1 1 any venal
chemist fur 24«. a
iln/rii. Fengol,
it shoiilil lie stated,
has long been
known to I lie
faculty, but it is
only within the
last few months
that a series of
experiments con-
ducted by (listin
guished repre-
sentatives of the
leading iirnl'es-
sioiis has demon-
strated its 1111-
equalled value in
promoting the
greatest happi-
MBa of the greatest
number. The
Kev. AN-VKI.M
BlWTEB,
THE FAMOUS
PuiCBER,
finding that his
congregation com-
I'lained of their
abnormal immu-
nity to insomnia,
determined to ex-
periment on him-
self with this
drug. The results
easily surpassed
his most sanguine
expectations. He
seemed to be
marching with an
elastic tread
through a field of
green buttercups
in an atmosphere
suffused with a
chronic Aurora
Horealis. The
buttercups slowly
changed into pea-
cocks' tails and
I hen into flying
fish, and he settled
down into peace-
ful sleep, awaking—
at the usual time with no fatigue or
unpleasant reminiscences. Since then
he has dispensed fengol gratuitously in
the vestry, with the result that he has
TBEBLED HIS CONGREGATION*.
An eminent R.A., who was induced
to make trial of the new drug, writes:
"With a noise resembling the trumpet-
ing of innumerable elephants, the back
of my head seemed to open and emit
flames of the brightest and most oleo-
graph ie splendour. My attire appeared
mge to a gorgeously decorated
Delia Cruscan costume, while my brown
She. "I NOTICE
Tie. "GONE IN
DOIN' THE SMART THING.
THAT SINCE LITTLE MfiS. MoNTY HAS BEEN IN THAT SET SHE 's PROPPED ALL HER O'S."
FOR A MOTOR, I SUPPOSE, WHAT?"
boots illustrated the supreme possibilities
of the three-cole vir process. Any move-
ment led to an explosion of rainbow-
coloured fire-balls, while, on eating, the
flames broke out afresh, illuminating the
gold stopping of my molars with a
sublime effulgence. In drinking, though
it was only a glass of barley water, I
experienced the conviction that all
my pictures had been purchased by
the Chantrey Bequest on fabulous terms."
The effect on a well-known poet was
to glorify the squalid realities of London
street life. " After a draught of fengol,"
he writes, " I saw every sandwichman
aureoled with a halo of sanctity ; every
'bus conductor seemed beatified. Doing
out into the Strand I purchased a half-
penny paper, and found that the print
emitted an unearthly radiance. For a
while I stood fascinated, watching an
advertisement of Vi-moko or
LIQUID MOKE,
which came and went in letters of
light. Two popular novelists passed
me, laughing loudly. Intellectually I
realised their inferiority, but to my
visual sense they had all the delicacy of
an etching of WHISTLEK.''
WITH THE DEVON AND SOMERSET.
Sportsman (from the log). " CONFOUND YOU, DIDN'T [von SAY THERE WAS A SOUND BOTTOM
HERE?"
Shepherd. "Zo THERE BE, MAISTER; BUT THOU 'AVEN'T GOT DOWN TO ra YET !
present century. Still, as a motorist
points out, cyclists could not expect to
retain the supremacy for ever.
Lord ROSEBERY has been re-elected
President of the Bucks Archaeological
Society. He is, we understand, to read
a paper to this Society of Antiquaries
on the subject of Free Trade.
The Duke of DEVONSHIRE was a free-
fooder even as a boy. In a speech to
the Craven Agricultural Society he con-
fessed that, when he was ten, he won,
at a show, the second prize for pigs.
" These vessels are the small cruisers
of the future," said Admiral WILSON at
the launch of H.M.S. Forward last week.
" The Forward will be able to run away
from anything bigger than herself."
This, we understand, is due to her
unrivalled bunker capacity.
Attention is being drawn once more
to the danger of disease germs in bread.
To soak the loaf in a weak solution of
carbolic acid and water is said to be a
simple and inexpensive safeguard.
To prevent bites by harvest buj;s, a
Daily Mail correspondent advises the
wearing of "two bags of muslin (filled
with camphor) long enough to go round
the ankle of the wearer, and about two
inches wide." While we can well
believe that such a pair of bags vyould
be extremely beautiful in an Oriental
Mirt of way, wo cannot help thinking
that the dimensions would prevent ilu-ir
being of great use to anyone of fine
physique. .
A German has applied for a patent
for a species of semaphore to be fixed to
tables in beer-gardens. Customers pull
a string, and thereby hoist a signal
for more refreshment. It is expected
be of considerable service to
reached the in-
CHARIVARIA.
IT is asking too much to expect us to
believe the rumour that the Russian
Government, in addition to requesting
the British cruisers to look out for the
Smolensk, also gave instructions to the
Smolensk to look out for the British
cruisers.
The operations in Manchuria continue
to give satisfaction to both sides. The
Japanese are still driving the Russians
before them, and the Russians are still
luring on the Japanese. One begins to
see the truth of the Russian boast that
they would win in " the long run."
to
students who have
articulate stage.
Shocking carnage at Port Arthur was
reported last week from St. Petersburg.
No fewer than twice the number of
Japanese engaged in the investment
were wiped out in seven days.
It is announced that Earl GREY has
been appointed to the Governor-General-
ship of Canada. We have nothing
but admiration for the Government's
tactfulness in not appointing Lord
DUNDONALD to fill the vacancy.
The Vicar of St. Michael's, Folkestone,
stated, in addressing a large congrega-
tion of cyclists, that he considered
motorists the greatest nuisance of the
Consternation has been caused among
the local cats by the announcement that
the Holborn Borough Council is apply-
ing to the Local Government Board to
sanction a by-law for the suppression of
street cries.
A Hull man has succeeded in playing
a piano for seventeen hours without
stopping. It will now be possible for a
tired and peevish brain-worker, with-
out appearing guilty of an offensive
expression, to tell the inveterate pianist
in the flat above to go to Hull.
Burglars have ransacked the East-
End residence of Major EVANS-GORDON,
M.P., the staunch opponent of Alien
PUNCH, OR TI1K LONDON CIIAKIVAIJI. SKITKMHKU 7, I'.MH.
AT BAY.
Immigration. It is supposed to be an
attempt on the part of some destitute
aliens to conciliate the Major by putting
an end to their destitution.
The Marquis of Axin.KSKY, it is slated,
is about to become a monk. The oppor
tunity of obtaining another cost nine is
proving irresistible.
ITfi
BAD NEWS FOR VILLADOM.
THK Urban District Council of Hands-
worth, near Birmingham, has decided
that houses in future must be identified
by numbers, and not merely designated
by high-sounding names. We have en-
deavoured (but, we must confess, with
very indifferent success) to trace the
origin and meaning of some of these
picturesque appellations, which add
such zest and delight to the explora-
tions of cabmen, postmen, and stray
visitors in general. " Bellevue," it
appears, is the most popular, and may
be counted by thousands with its
variants of " Fain-lew " and " Bella
Vista." The reasons for the title are
usually that the villa in question is so
insignificant, and the rent so low, that the
swner has to concentrate attention upon
his outlook, for which latter he draws
upon your imagination, on account of
the " houses in between." " The Elms,"
The Firs," "The Laburnums," and
'The Laurels" run it close. They are
nteresting applications of the Incus a
non lucendo principle, and of the
occupant's ambition to possess a grove,
or at least one or two of such trees,
n his ten square feet of front garden.
Then the large "Dene" tribe seem to
>ossess a fatal attraction for house-
lolders of romantic aspirations but in-
definite ideas. They enter into various
combinations, " Rosedene," " Willow
)ene" and "Moss Dene" ranking high
n favour. " Holme," " Hurst," " Croft "
nd "Grange" run them close as ter-
minations, and indicate an income of
12 10s. per week, and an inability to
xplain their exact meaning. Other
ddresses have a more literary flavour,
uch as "Peverel," "Aylwin" or " Casa-
jiancii," and betray an acquaintance
vith the contents of the Fi'ee Library
ound the corner.
>n 10, again, are reminiscent of holi-
ays achieved or in contemplation.
Verona," for instance, at once stamps
be suburban rate-payer as one who has
theoretical or practical knowledge of
Italian geography, or who lias travelled
at least as far as the Exhibition'at Earl's
Court. "La Resideneia" is "a shade
more recondite. " Loch Lomond " is
doubtless a souvenir of a honeymoon
or a taste for alliteration, while Welsh
names are beloved for their own sweet
sake, "Glanusk," " Cacrgwent," "Y
PREHISTORIC SHAKSPEARE.-NO. I.
It is announced that Mr. Bcerbohm Tree i« introducing jirrhisl.irir reptile* into hi* new
production of The Tempeet. This happy combination of Shakxprare and Prehimorir I'M-JM i«
capable of interesting extension; for instance, a Primeval "Balcony Scene" would well reward
the enterprising Manager.
Romeo. " AND, BIT THOU LOVE ME, LET mat n*D HE mr. :
MT LIFE WERE BETTER EXDED BT THEIt HUH,
TlIAS PKATI1 PROROGUED, WASTINll "f Till
unil .lulu '
Wyddfa," and a host of others convey-
ing the requisite glamour of distance,
mystery and euphony.
Besides these there is an extensive
hero-worshipping class which needs no
I,a-lly. \ve li;tve llie frankly arisio-
rr.itic variety, in wliieh (lit- <•'•
" Tall x>t " and "I1- .'-•token •
£30 yearly mital ; and the f.iln
domestic, sileh as " The N.«ik"
explanation, at any rate not the usually " II;.
«rst the UandsworthuMl
,
somewhat fer-fetclnjd one of service
under Ixird RouEKTS or oilier adventures
South
London, not to s|H-.ik of the
' '' "IS « •ls"1'1 TfeoTie-
176
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.
[SEPTEMBER 7, 1904.
THE WHITE RABBIT.
CHAPTER VI.
The White Rabbit as others saw him.
" WHAT did you think of that story young Bunbutter told
us the other day?" said Rob to the Cat, as they were basking
together on the lawn one fine morning not long after the
Prince of SABLONIA had related the melancholy tale of his
transformation. "It was interesting, don't you think? I
can't help feeling sorry for the little beggar. Seems a bit
hard, you know, after you 've been a Prince and all that, to
get changed into such an absurd thing as a White Rabbit.
I 'm jolly glad there 's nothing of the disguised Prince about
me. A dog 's good enough for me," and he stood up and
protruded his chest, which for a dog of his inches was a very
capacious one.
" My dear Rob," said the Cat, " you 're really too guileless
and simple for this wicked world of ours. You don't mean
to tell me you believed all that bragging nonsense. My dear
old friend, if you go on like this we shan't be able to let you
go about by yourself. We shall have to find a keeper for
you."
"A keeper?" said Rob complacently, "I'm not sure I
shouldn't enjoy that. I should get plenty of sport all the
year round pretty well. But no," lie added reflectively, "I
think on the whole I 'd rather not. All the keepers' dogs
I've known were very thin, and they used to get more
whackings than any of the other dogs."
" Pooh," said the Cat, " I didn't mean that kind of keeper,
you silly. Not a man in a velveteen coat and leather gaiters,
but a man who 's paid to look after people of — ahem — weak
intellect. See?"
" Well, if it comes to that —
" I know what you 're going to say. You don't think I 'in
particularly intellectual myself. I never pretended to be, my
old pheasant-fetcher, but I've got common sense, and thank
Heaven I 'm spiteful."
" Oh, come," said honest Rob, " it isn't as bad as all that."
" Hist ! " said the Cat, flattening herself down on the grass
and tucking her paws under her to get into position, white
her tail quivered and her eyes seemed to grow to twice their
ordinary size and fierceness. " See that thrush ? He 's
mine."
She made a quick spring, cuffed at the bird, and missed
him.
" My dear Gamp," laughed Rob, " it 's bad form to go for
a bird in that way, and a rrcre thrush too."
"Thanks," said the Cat. "I like to do my own hunting
in my own way. I don't ask a fat man with a gun to bring
my birds down, and when I do cateh them I keep them for
myself. Some animals, I'm told, have to give up all the
birds they gather— dogs, for instance. Poor game that, I
should think."
" We were talking about the White Rabbit, I fancy," said
Rob with some dignity.
" Ah, yes, the White Rabbit. Lord bless you, I know all
about him. He pretends to be a Prince of SABLONIA, but I
happen to know that ho was born of very humble parents
in a small shop somewhere in the Seven Dials. He had a
twin brother just like himself, and originally their names
were Bunface and Bitttrrlub, but they wore mixed up some-
how soon after they were born, so this one got called
Bunbutter, and his brother's out in the world somewhere
under the name of Tubface. MABEL bought him. She
happened to pass the shop one day when she was out with
hor father, the man who shoots your birds for you, and she
saw Bunbutter in his cage and took a fancy to him. In the
cage on one side of him was a brindled bull-dog, on the
other was a white Persian cat with blue eyes, and I believe
she hesitated a long time between the three of them. Finally
she choso our long-eared friend."
" Well, I 'm glad she didn't choose the bull-dog," said Rob.
"They're a clumsy, bandy-legged, snoring lot, and quite
useless for sport."
" I own I don't care much for bull-dogs myself, and as for
white Persians with blue eyes they 're all as deaf as a post.
What u bore she would have been. Anyhow, that's the
origin of Bunbutter, and all these stories about Princes are
just gas."
Now I may as well tell you that when Gamp, the Cat, cast
these aspersions on the origin and the veracity of the White
Rabbit, she was not speaking of her own knowledge by any
means. No doubt she pretended she was, or at least she
conveyed that idea to the simple-minded Labrador, but, as a
matter of fact, she was only retailing the gossip she had picked
up in the kitchen or the servants' hall while she was lying
snugly under the table with a saucer of milk within easy
reach. If you or I had to go to the kitchen for our reputation
or our history I daresay we should hear some things that
would surprise us. I don't want you, therefore, to run
away with the idea that, because the kitchen put Bunbutter
down as a mere Seven Dials rabbit, he was only that and
nothing more. Certainly his own story of his Sablonian
origin is a much more romantic and interesting one. If you
ask me whether or not I myself believe it I can only reply
that I 'm sure he was no ordinary Rabbit, and, that being so,
there seems no good reason why we shouldn't prefer his
account of himself to the tittle-tattle so maliciously retailed
by the black and white Cat. Those who read on may
perhaps — mind, I only say perhaps —discover the truth.
MY LADY'S GIFT.
I PRAYED my lady, of her pitiful grace,
For the white rose that lay upon her dress,
Fair, but no fairer than my lady's face,
Pure, but no purer than her loveliness ;
And my dear lady gazed on me a space,
Then yielded me the prize ;
And the soft love-light shining in her eyes
Made of the gift almost a shy caress.
Then of my dearest love did I entreat
Pardon, if I this crowning boon should crave : —
That I might kneel before her dainty feet ;
That she should deck me with the flower she gave.
Whereat she blushed ; yet, being kind as sweet,
Bowed to my soft behest — •
Yea, pinned her delicate favour on my breast :
Sweet rose, that made me evennore her slave.
0 flower, 0 happy flower, my lady's flower !
0 sorry flower, so soon, alas, to shrink !
Where hast thou fled ? — To what Elysian bower
Thro' the far shadows of the Stygian brink ?
Would I had prest thee ere the fateful hour
When, seeing thou didst fade,
With horrid clutch the wanton chambermaid
Tost thee, poor jetsam, to the pantry sink !
Now do I brood no more upon niy pain,
Nor would impeach th' ungodly for her sin,
For I have found a pledge, oh, strong of grain
Boy ond all flowers, and I rejoice therein.
Pass on, dead rose ! My lady's gifts were twain.
The breast thou leavest bare
Hath solace in the bond that held thee there !
And I take comfort in my lady's Pin.
DuM-Duii.
SKITKMBER 7, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
K:
ft
THE ALTOGETHER.
ova, UK TOO!
THE HEBER HOGG CORRE-
SPONDENCE.
THE recent publication of Tlte Jessiea
Letter*, which purport to have passed
between an American editor and a timid
reviewer, impels us to print a selection
from the correspondence of the Lite
Mr. HEBKR llono with several prominent
literary men. HEBER HOGO, as is well-
known, was proprietor of the celebrated
coal emporium at one of the corners of
Holborn Viaduct, and his letters throw
a welcome light on the life of one who
in the flowery fields of literature sought
relief from the struggles and anxieties
of commerce. Poetry was with him a
labour of love.
From Heber Hogg to tin- Editor of the
" Bi-monthly Review."
April 15, 1901.
IV.AR SIR,— Enclosed please find a
trifle of verse inspired by recent events,
and which 1 hope you may see your way
to favourably consider. The poem (it
may so presume to describe it as a poem)
is my literary bantling, the firstborn ot
— . —
a harvest that has long lain fallow
run to seed, and I send it to yon
because, having read your bookmooU
l,v month, it appears in my hiiinbl.
judgment to remotely approach
standard which you so ably mamtain.
•md 1 peruse so assiduously and
votedly. I submit it in due diffidence,
but if I may aspire to direct your a
steps to verse 29. It runs as I
Up, lads, fight for name and dory !
Strike for beauty, love, and home .
You shall be renowned in H
Your country's fame shall be your 01
I think this contains a new sentiment
I not unaptly expressed.
Your obedient servant,
1 Enclosure. «™»« lloaa
From fht Editor of the" Bi-monthly
Reriev" to Heber Hogg h>q.
April li, UW1.
The Editor regret.s that he is com-
nelled to return the enclosed rn-.t.
rfe wmSd point out that su,
Ls not neWuily imply
in, he contribution, but nu-n-K tlut
unsuitable for his columns.
The Editor begs to re.mnJ i-ot
.\,.nl IS.
DEAR SIB. Km-l<*ed pira*- find a
ai.,1 ad.lrwMed enteJope and •
trifle' of vrr«- in.-i'in-d I iv mvnt rvmU.
and whirl. 1 h'-l"' \"» "UL** •"*•' T??
t,, bvoonUyooMid.tr.
may tln-ff ihrrli m\ii\n<J; new *
i.ifiit i.'«l unai'ily fxprewed.
Your ondtaoi « '
o V...-l.MiirM.
™.B.-The regretubJe Ucuw in ibr
above and subsequent ^«^"f* (
munira'tion'ran in' ;"» "^ •*
I was careful tofli]. tl together.
'From tlic Kditor of •>" " Alhfitian" I"
The Editor is much obliged to Mr.
178
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 7, 1904.
HOGG for his kindness in permitting
him to see the enclosed poem ; lie
regrets, however, that pressure on his
space compels him to forego the pleasure
of publishing it.
III.
From Hebcr Hogg to the Editor of tlic
" Spectator."
April 22, 1901.
DEAR Sin, — I enclose a stamped and
addressed envelope and a poem of verses
to which I venture to draw
your attention to. I may
mention that it has been read
by more than one eminent
literary man, who speak of it
in high terms of merit, and
express pleasure at the honour
of reading it. I await the
favour of your early reply, and
oblige Yours obediently,
2 Enclosures. HEDER HOGG.
From the Editor of the " Spec-
tatler" to Hebcr Hogg, Esq.
April 24, 1901.
With the Editor's compli-
ments.
[The letters numbered IV. to
XLVI. inclusive are unfortu-
nately missing.]
xLvn.
From Heber Hogg to the Editor
of "P.T.O.!s Weekly."
August 2, 1902.
DEAR SIR, — I enclose a little
thing of mine in verse and a
stamped addressed envelope,
which has favourably attracted
the attention of many literary
men, although not hitherto
appearing in print. It is, I
think, suitable to your excel-
lent journal, and beg to re-
main, Yours faithfully,
2 Enclosures. HEBER HOGG.
XCVI.
From Heber Hogg to llie Editor of the
"Picklehampton Weekly Clurinn."
November 5, 1903.
DEAR Sin, - Herewith a poetical effort
which I believe suitable to your columns.
My name is known to many London
editors, who almost invariably express
pleasure at receiving contributions from
my pen.
2 Enclosures.
Yours truly,
HERGR HOGG.
1903, contains a poem entitled "Arouse
Ye," side by side with a half column
proclaiming the merits of HEBER HOGG'S
" World-renowned Kentish Brights."]
A French Scholar.
" IT is a great thing to know French
well," said Mrs. TUMKINSON, the excel-
lent lady of TUHKINSON, retired grocer.
"Now," she continued, "I was travel-
ling the other day, and I wanted parti-
— cularly to describe a certain
1 figure in full armour I had
ssen to a Frenchman who
knew no language but his
own. Fortunately I was able
to make it quite clear to him
in French by putting it thus
-' La statue d'un chevelure
I equestrien portant ses armoires,
et arec deux paires d'eperlans
a ses talents.' And then he
understood me perfectly."
xLvm.
From tlie same to the same.
Sept. 19, 1902.
DEAR SIR, — Some weeks ago
I ventured to send you a
stamped addressed envelope (to me) and
some poetical verses which it occurred
to me — [tiro sheets missing] — say without
undue modesty that verse 29 has aroused
admiration in the breasts of those who
it has been read to, and they agree with
me in — [three sheets missing].
The Editor of " P. T. O.'s Weekly," to
11. Ifogg, Esq.
The Editor regrets that he is unable
to use the enclosed MS., which he accord-
ingly returns with many thanks.
Apologies for delay. — ED.
Letters XLIX. to XCV. inclusive, missing.
HORTICULTURAL.
Vicar's Daughter. " WELL, JOHN, I SEE von ARE LOOKING AS YOUNG
AS EVER."
John. "YES, MlSS, THANKYEE. AN' THEY TELL ME I'LL SOON BE AN
OOTOQEBANIUM."
From the Editor of the " Picklehamjiton
Weekly Clarion " to Heber Hogg, Esq.
November 7, 1903.
DEAR SIR, — I am keeping the poem in
the hope of being able to use it at an
early date. I may point out that the
P.W.C. has the largest circulation in
Picklehampton, and accordingly offers
exceptional advantages to advertisers.
Yours faithfully,
J. ADZE SIIARPE (Editor').
Qualifying1.
"Mr dear Sir," said a com-
mercial traveller, one Sunday,
at a table d'hote, breakfast in a
French hotel, to his clerical-
looking neighbour, "some
here are going to Mass, some
to a Lutheran service, some to
an Anglican Chapel, and others
elsewhere or nowhere."
" And you ? " inquired the
cleric.
" Oh, for myself," replied
the commis-voyageur, in an
airy manner, "1 am nothing
in particular, and belong to
everything in general. I go
from one church to another ;
all 's one to me, so I consider
myself in the full sense of the
word a Catholic."
"I see," observed the eccle-
siastic, "you mean a Roaming
Catholic."
WHEN the system is out of
order the slightest irritation
is apt to get upon the nerves.
This idea was admirably illus-
trated last week on a head-
bill of the Morning Advert J-scr : -
UNREST IN RUSSIA.
Explosion in a Train.
[The remaining
are lost, but the
letters in the series
issue of the PieJile-
hampton Weekly Clarion for December 5,
SIR,— The Novoe Vremya gives the
following account of a servant-girl \\lio
is radio-active to things in her vicinity :
" Everything she approaches is set in motion.
Plates on a dresser rattle, linen hung out to
dry falls on the ground, bottles rise from the
table and are upset."
1 have one of this kind too. Do you
know of any cure ? Yours,
HEAD (SO-CALLED) OF HOUSE.
REVIVAL OF NATIVE GRAND
OPERA.
Mi:. PUNCH,- -Sir, I was ama/ed and
pained on reading some time ago in the
l)r«i«-r'x J'i'i;,i;l this plaintive state-
ment:— "There are few novels of trade
life, and iV\ver still that deal with the
drapery trade." But, I was not content
with mere pity. To sei/e a jewelled pen,
and dash off the following, was with me
the work of a couple of months or so.
Yours hurriedly,
HENRY WILLIAM-JONES.
[N.B. — I am aware of a play by Mrs.
LYTTELTON bearing on the question of
millinery establishments, but this in no
sense cuts the ground from under mv
feet.]
II.— MY DRAPER'S OPERA.
The scene of Act One is laid in a large
drapery emporium. Time — morning.
Opening chorus of assistants, descriptive
of the joys of the profession. Enter
Shopwalker. "My merry men, good-
morning to you all. Pursue your tasks
with vigour, I implore : for thus you '11
rise (perhaps) in time to come (with
patience) to the post that I enjoy."
Song, " How I rose to be a Shopwalker."
Then Aria, Shopwalker :
But where is our champion assistant,
The pride of our drapery shop ?
I trust he is not very distant,
Our ALGERNON HILDEBRAND PLOPP.
Chorus. Nay, calm, Sir, your fear, for
behold ! he is here,
Our ALGERNON HILDEBRAND PLOPP.
Enter hero (L.). He pauses on threshold.
Then, advancing to centre of stage, sings,
as follows :
A hard-worked draper I,
And dainty gloves and stockings
(Some with, some void of, clockings)
I bid the ladies buy;
If customers are male,
I 'd have them spend their dollars
On ties and shirts and collars,
And pay for them on the nail.
At the conclusion of this song there is
i pause, then slow music, and my heroine,
Lady MATILDA D'E LA CREME, daughter of
he Karl of BAYSWATER, enters, ushered
H by Shopwalker. "PLOPP, forward,"
says Shopwalker. Then there is a
iweetly pretty trio :
A lady here you see of both
wealth and high degree
i For waiting in the street, I notice,
lii'r chaise is),
And I bid you, Mr. I'lAPp, do the honours
of the shop,
For the lady has a wish to make some
purchases.
A GOOD REASON.
I'unitiii. '' PmK BUY! I'M f» »>BiY Tirt'
TOE READ'S, 1 WONt'KR ''. "
Poor Boy (also icomlrrimj). "I CAN'T THIS*."
't r»s* TOT! ElUI W«it
Plopp (go llanll y\ I am not the man to
shirk any quantity <>f work,
When a lady lias a wish to make some
porch
llft-mne. If you seek to Irani my name,
'tis luTIUU I>K uQ
Plopp (to Shopwalker, aside I. <'orre<-tlv
in the Upper Ten you rank her,
chief —
ll,-n>hu: And I live with my papn,
Number Six. Bdgnria,
And I 'in here because I want to buy
a handkerchief.
indulicnlly'. hul I Iwre
mid.lwl :n-"l'l inva<l<- llicir lirail.
Find it ii~.-ftil In |«.---..
haiidken-liief.
l!ii>iin<!v< of buying liandken ln<-(
Then gn-.it M-CIII-. llepMiie is w«-n l>\
Shopwalker to purloin a vanl
As blie is lt-.iviiiK af''
adieiu to hen', Shopwalker ttaft her.
•
Hero. Unhand the lady, minion !
-, Tliis language, Ptorr to me!
180
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SKI'TEMIiER 7, 1904.
Hero. How dare you seize and pinion
A lady of degree ?
Heroine. Exactly, Sir ! You'll find you
err
In acting thus to me.
SIiopw. Nay, think me not unfeeling —
Hero. Insidious reptile, go !
Shopw. I caught the lady stealing
A yard of calico !
Heroine. Believe me, I would rather dia
Than be so wicked. Oh !
Shopw. Go, fetch the nearest bobbies.!
Hero. Must my entreaties fail ?
SIiopw. The fate of those who rob is
To languish in a gaol.
Herolne.I cannot dwell in dungeon cell!
Oh, let me out on bail !
Enter Policemen. Hero takes centre
of stage.
SONG : Hero.
Constables, release your captive,
Do not mock her protestations ;
True is every word she utters,
True are her asseverations.
She 's as innocent as you,
Honest, upright men in blue.
I can prove my statement fully ;
Give me leave to speak my piece,
men.
For one fleeting moment lend me
Your auriculars, policemen.
Tempted by a hope of pelf,
I purloined the stuff myself !
Then my foully-gotten booty,
Little recking what a shock it
Might occasion to her nerves, I
Placed in her receptive pocket.
There you have the sorry tale :
Up, and lead me off to gaol !
Immense sensation. Heroine, with a
cry of " My preserver ! " faints. Shop-
walker staggers back, shocked and
astounded. Assistants assume attitude
of horror. Various customers, who have
come in, grow tired of waiting to be
served, and go out to patronise other
establishments. And Act I. closes with
hero being led off (R.) by policemen.
The Wand of Peace.
WE learn from the Scotsman that at
the second Triennial Pan-Celtic Con-
gress, which opened at Carnarvon on
August 30, the Archdruid of Wales pro-
rlaimed a " Celtic peace." For its
better enforcement, "at a reception given
by the Mayor, Lord CASTLETOWN pre-
sented him with a shillelagh of bog oak."
THERE has been continued evidence
of j scare in our shipping trade. Vast
quantities of stuffed sacks, apparently
intended for the filling up of the moats
round Port Arthur's forts, were lying
idle last week on the platform of the
Temple District Station.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
No narrative may be written starting
with a journey on mule-back that does
not recall STFAT-.XSOX. Nor may fascinat-
ing girls masquerade as boys without
reminiscence of The Hctirenltj Tir'nix.
These reflections inevitably occur on
reading The, Pi-inccsx /Vs-.sr.s- (Mo'iu'EN),
joint work of Mr. and Mrs. WILLIAMSON".
The story lias, however, such strong
individuality, such absorbing interest
that they do not detract from the
pleasure it gives. My Baronite under-
takes that no one who reads the lirst
chapter will be disposed to lay the book
down before the happy end is reached.
Experientia docet. Amongst its novelties
is the most graphic description of
motor-car driving that has yet appeared
in print. Travel by motor-car, adjunct
to the mule journey, affords one of the
collaborateurs opportunity of displaying
rare gifts of word-painting scenery.
Those who have not driven over the
St. Bernard by night should read the
brilliant account of it. The fViwr.s-.s-
Passes is a charming love story set
aniid some of themiost splendid scenery
in the world.
Tommy & Go. (HuTCHiNSON) is a collec-
tion of seven sketches chiefly illustrating
a Bohemian side of London journalistic
life, knowledge of which is Mr. JEROME'S
monopoly. There is about the London
stories a far-off flavour of HENRI MURGER'S
Vie de Bohemc. This is most notable
in the final chapter where Tommy —
who, seeing she is a girl, ought, as her
employer and colleagues sadly concede, to
be called Jane — surrenders to the fasci-
nation of a vagabond contributor to the
paper she sub-edits, a gentleman who
already has what the Lord Chancellor
would call " a sort of " wife. This lady
turns up at a critical moment, and offers
Tommy £2000 to go away. Tommy
declines the bribe, but magnanimously
surrenders the suitor, who is apparently
happy with either charmer, and in turn
impartially marries both. After the
fashion of Bohemia the contributor, on
the verge of starvation, urgently in need
of half-a-crown, when he calls with his
copy carries an umbrella whose handle
was "an eagle's head in gold, with two
small rubies for the eyes." So like those
thoughtless, heedless, generous-hearted
folk who people Bohemia, whether in
the Quartier Latin or Fleet Street ! 01
the sketches my Baronite likes best
" The Pabe," which is really funny.
Mr. RISK'S Songs of the Links (MoRTOX,
Edinburgh), of which two of the best
have appeared in these pages, are very
much above the average of golf literature,
and deserve, in the opinion of my Nautical
Retainer, a wide recognition on this
side of the Bonier. Li many of these
verses the author gives verbal or metrical
parodies of standard authors, from
HORACE, through SMEI>I.I:V, to ST. AXI>HI-:\VS
LAXC ;^from KIIM.IXI; to the inevitable
KIIAYVAM ; but he has also a note of his
own at need. His technique, except in
his one example of blank verse, is excel-
lent. Perhaps he is a little inclined to
iteration, but this is a common defect of
collected verse, and, after all, the oppor-
tunities afforded by his subject are
limited. Of golf, as an incentive to
celibacy —
'' The sweetest maiden BETTY may turu to a
shrew or a minx ;
A d heavy the bonds of Wedlock, but light
is the chain of the Links ; "
or as a breaker-up of marital felicity
(see his dirge of " The Golf Widows ")
he has some trenchant things to say.
Another modest little work, Humours
and Emotions of Golf, by E. M. B. and
G. R. T.. is not quite in the same class.
E. M. B., who is responsible for most
of the verse, is not without literary
feeling, but his lines lack the quality of
fluency, and some of his rhymes, such
as lip* and ellipse, inluli-xci'in-i: and
eoneaMtcenee, are not really rhymes at
all in the English sense. G. R. T.'s
prose fancies are not consistently exhi-
larating, but they contain much philo-
sophy and a little pleasant humour.
TTTi:
DE
-W.
" On Angiist 30, a formidable artillery duel
took place, the Russians and Japanese exchang-
ing over 100,000 projectiles."
The above passage is from the Dally
Mail and not The Exchange and Mart.
ANSWER TO CORRESPONDENT. — "Artist."
We have received your communication
in which you say, " I beg to enclose a
sketch and words, and shall be glad for
you to use them. They are original (to
the best of my knowledge and belief),
.ind have not been inspired." We
entirely endorse this last statement.
"HIATUS" VALDE DEFLENDUS. — The late
Dean HOLE.
CHAIMYAIMA.
A i;i Mori! ,,f a niim-c-lloiis fa, I Of
lieroisin at Liaoyang, proving that there
arc BtUl " boys of the bull-dog |,IVed "
among us, was m-ordod in the ,s'/
James's UiiiTfti- of the L'nd inst. " h ,,
reported," saiil our contemporary, "that
the place lias been taken by /,',•///,.,.'.,.
the I'liroiiii-le.'K and the Mull'* mrre'
spondents."
"1 do not agree with the critics who
say that battleships arc a tiling of tilt-
past," says Admiral MATTSSKVITCH. yet
this is true of a great, many of the
Russian vessels of that type.
Many persons who are talking about
the horrors of the War in the Easi
to lack a sense of proportion; or else
they are unaware that at Manchester a
contest of brass bands has been going
on.
A paper delivered at the recent con-
gress of the Sanitary Institute has been
published under the modest explanatory
itle of " Whaf the people sleep upon."
We presume it must be the same beds
is they make.
Last week's Answers contained articles
i.\ Miss MARIE STUDHOLME and Major
fcADEN-PowEix. As BYRON might have
vritten :
Ami HAKMSWOFITH'S capital had gathered there
Our Itcaiity and our Chivalry."
A young man won a beauty pri/e at
South Chicago, but was kissed by L'INI
women.
A jam exhibition will shortly be opened
at Laon, and hundreds of wasps, flies,
and blue-bottles have now made up
their minds as to where they will spend
the autumn recess.
Dr. FORBES WIXSLOW has stated to an
interviewer that a very large number of
idiots are at large who most certainly
should be in an asylum. When are
these attacks on the House of Commons
going to cease? .
ANTIQUARIAN RESEARCH.
2 A.M.
Broirn (irlio liatt taken ti nhocting-irrr in tlif Hirjlilttudf, antl h'<
appearance in a hilt). "Woii-in »> nu-i • i i-r»sm<i\r.u
I IF I I.IMB1N IXTO!
It is staled that Mr. H.U.L C.VIXF.'s play,
Tin' l'rtnH,/(tl Son, will not follow closely
the parable in the Bible, but will be an
improvement on it.
The announcement that Mr. CAIVE has
rej.vlcd the latted calf incident, has
caused keen disappointment in the
dramatic profession, fo many members
of which arc passionately fond of appear-
in'; with padding at the back of their
shins.
''A moth four inches across the back
and three inches long has brcn captured
at Antony, Cornwall." It is understood
that it required the united efforts of the
local constable and the village black-
smith to effect the capture.
According to the Kri>rr**, Londoners
arc suffering from a curious epidemic.
of which the chief feature is a feeling of
drowsiness in the daytime and a dis-
inclination to exert them-d
(iovernment. yielding to a natural in-
stinct for self-preservation, liw detained
to appoint a Itoyal Commission to en-
quire into this insidious disease,
A painful impression IKI- IM-.-II caused
by a cable from Cliifn which -
Mr. MM.T"\
. Mr. I.I
fnnii tli" -
by tli- limitation* nn]-~-d u|»n iln-iu
l.y tli • .•iiithnriiii*-. I" it !•
• n at tlii- l.»iir, a r Line* may
tak" j.lar.-. and tlw «
carried on f^r tin- I-
and Anirrii-ni new«j.
lidently ap|ic:il to thf gi««l-iuil'it'
beOign
That it is |««.>ili|<- to
mallei* : by tin-
Indian (iovcrmiM'iit lia-i
i(i "f in .ney amn
r Iiu-
l llw
to !»• inchidfl in
182
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 14, 1904.
A CHANNEL RECORD.
following lines lias miiuu.y ventured to go one lient better tk
Tl P nnrent licence which permits him to scan " rapturous, _ satiate,
Iheappaientmin i ^^.jj.,,,]^ is slri,.tly derived from
of Rotherharn, Yorks.]
FORTH from Dover at 7 A.M. at the hour when the milk come,
round for the Castle Mess.
Fared llul tag that bore on her prancing poop the joy and
Drideof ihe halfpenny Press; .
<!„„, was the' name of her, late returned from the nightlong
limtre of waves at her luminous prow
Lit for a beacon and buffet to him, the hero of leuton
extraction that failed, and now,
Frau S-d with r.n;,;Kss for freight, or freighted jwith
flnniKss for fraught, whichever arrangement you like,
Westward she lurched to the region of Lyddon Spout and
landed the rapturous and radiant ly-e.
Then like a lioness loosed from the toils on the flat-foot track
of a timorous coolie of 1ml,
Hare as a babe he strided out hip-deep to the lust
with wave and wind ;
Plunoed his billow-proof mask in the mam, and adopting a
Uv side-stroke of exceptional power
Thridded the sea- at the rated two-and-a-half
nautical knots per hour.
Loud from the tug as he sped like a friendly torpedo aimed
at the uttermost fringes of 1' ranee
Cheers outbroke and the bruit of backers that asked lor the
odds, fifteen to eight, on his chance.
Slewed by slithering tides, that played with his strength as
the blizzard plays with a young bpy s kite
Now on the Foreland trail and now in the other direction,
the wav to the Isle of Wight, .
Ever he struck for the Calais coast with the brine m his
breath and the red hope hot at his heart
Save when he sipped boiled Bovril or crushed the jmoe ol
the wine-blue grape or a custard tart ;
Till the homeward Mail with a starboard list where the
clamour of plaudits clove the air
Spake from the midmost deeps of her course to say that
gallant swimmer was half-way there.
Whence came change? Were the powers that govern the
moon that governs the tides that lUv and ebb
Jealous that one more name should be added to those .
BYRON, LKANDEB, and Captain WJ3ffi?
Can they have kicked at the last link forged m a chain
designed to master a virgin pride,
Knitting adjacenl lands in love, as a neighbourly bndegroom
is knit to his next-door bride?
What the original reason I know not; hut this at least
a mortal may know, 1 know.
How that the winds that had softly blown in IIIK eyes as the
breath, kiss-laden, of love may blow
Rose to the passion and wrath aud rapture ol hall a gale or
possiblv even worse.
Thus necessitating a delicate change m the hit of my semi-
trochaic verse.
For the welter of wave, white-winged as the flash and the
ili"'ht of a squadron of migrant storks
Flew flopped, Bzzed, iluttered and burst in the face of the
strenuous trier from Rotherham, Yorks,
Aud the tune of their sibilant surge was the tune of the mel-
lowing ferment of malted hops,
And like to the hiss of a spluttering grill was the spume of
the Channel that seethed with chops.
But livelier if aught could be livelier than he was ere yet the
storm leapt out of the South
We could hear his foam-bright laughter that gurgled and
mixed with the gurgling foam in his mouth,
And the jest fell light from his lips as he breasted the billow
— " There 's plenty for money," he said.
In a phrase that can only die when the heart of England that
beats for her best lies d< ad.
Hut a desolate waste yet sundered the sole of his foot from
the haven he fain would be at.
And the sea's wide throat that would never have strained at
a camel had nearly swallowed the (hint.
And at length with gradual reluctance he halted and over the
creaking bulwarks crept
Aud drank red wine, and rolled in the wallowing trough, and
was sick of the sea and slept.
And the eight-and-three-qiiarter glad mad hours were over
that won him the record for pace,
Five leagues as the swart crow ilies, and an extra couple to
add for the twin tide-race.
But snug in a rug we bore him back from a spot some six
miles short of his goal,
Of the sand-grey dunes of the city whose fame is one with
the fame of her Burgess-roll.
And the dawn of the dusk came down from a wind-swept sky
as we put him on Dover pier,
Insatiate of hope, and big with a sanguine purpose to try it
again next year. 0. S.
THE WHITE RABBIT.
I'll \1MT.K VII.
The Whit,' Itnlih'il ;* /'»•;./('(/.
•' KIAI.I.Y," said the White Rabbit, "I don't know what
we're all coming to nowadays. People do behave in the
most extraordinary way, you know. / can't make out what
they 're up to."
lie sniffed with indignation, and took a turn or two in his
hutch.
"Look here, Clamp" he continued, addressing the Cat,
"you've seen something of the world, and you've had no
end of kittens —
"And if I have," interrupted the Cat, "what's that to
you? I'm acting on the advice of the President of the
United States. I'm populating the Empire. The future is
with the mothers of the race. And anyhow I haven't, gut to
ask for your opinion. I don't want it, and I '11 trouble you
not to make so free with it."
"Myr/'vir din, I," said the Rabbit, alarmed at her vehe-
mence", " I 'm sure I didn't want to offend you. I simply
adore kittens myself, and I've always said that yours are
quite the prettiest and softest and liveliest I've ever se«j
Personally, I 'in dead against buckets of water and all that
nonsense."
Here the Cat broke down and wept.
" You 've got a good heart, Hinilinlli'i;" she said in a voice
choked with emotion. "Forgive this display of feelinJ
How can 1 help yon ? Tell me, and 1 11 do my best."
•'The fact is," said the Rabbit after a pause, during which
he had surreptitiously wiped his eyes with his fore- feet, "the
fact is, I 'm fairly puzzled. You* know that tall handsome
girl who 's been staying here for a week or so?"
"SvniL?" asked the Cat.
Tl ,)
Ihe same.
" Know her ? I should think I did. She 's the best Imml
HOME RULE (NEW STYLE).
P,>et . . . Mlt.GKoliOK WVXMUII.
QUOTH IirNKAYF.V. "DEVOLOTf
ONLY THAT. AND XOTIIINC M«>KK.
THE EVOLUTION OF BOY.
" Yet I doubt not thro' the ages one increasing purpose ruiw." /xvAWrv Hull.
(Inside a Garden Parly Rrfrenltmrnt T, nl.
Visitor (icatching schoolboy busy regaling himself irilli anytliimj mlliin liix mi.-li >. " Wei i. MV Ifc.f. rm .,i i;irr TO ma. VttT it. LI
ALLOWED TO HEW YOURSELF AS YOU LIKE TO ALL THESE «<ml> rillNc;s. IT WAS VERY MttKRIA I Will v I «,
Boy. "I DESSAY so. BUT THIS is NOTHING TO WHAT IT WILL BE ix THE NEXT CESMUTIUV"
at scratching a cat behind the ear 1 ever met. It's simply
ripping," and she closed her eyes luxuriously and purred at
the mere recoiled ion.
" Well," the Rabbit went on, " she 's been about here a
good deal lately, paying me visits and throwing hits of
cabbage into the hutch — not the outside leaves, but the juicy
whitey-yellow inside ones— and I began to take quite a fancy
to her. Perhaps, I thought to myself, this is the maiden
who is to release me. You know, Gamp, I 'm not con-
ceited—
"Ahem," coughed the Cat discreetly.
" What 's that you said ? " snapped the Rabbit tartly.
"1 only coughed," said the Cat. "No, you're not con-
ceited."
" Well, I couldn't help noticing how partial she was to
me."
"I hate that word partial," said the Cat. "It's vulgar.
Why can't you say that you observed that she had allowed
her youthful fancies to linger lovingly on you ? "
"That certainly does sound more romantic. I couldn't
iielp noticing, then, that she had let her youthful fancies
linger lovingly on me. It wasn't my fault. I didn't try to
il.-c her do it, but there it was. This girl, I said to mv-elt.
no fool. She has pierced my melancholy disguise, and has
li't.vted the Prince through his white fur coat. Well, I laid
myself out In pli-ase her after .that, and I llmiixhl I'd -in -
ceeded. Really, I shouldn't like tn t.'ll MHI half I In- .
loving things she said in me the la-t lime -he lmk n»- up 1>\
my tars and carried me alxiiit."
••('niililn'i v< in remember ni r twi. i.f them ''. " wild (In-
Cat.
" No. Hiiiii/i or rather, ye* I ouild. Iml 1 -h.ill n<>l i,,. nli<m
ihein. iKH-aiiM-. as ymi nuglil In kimw. lm ^vnllfiiui.
liieiilinns what has pa-x-d in Confidence U'Mveeu I,
a lady. It i> nnl done in aliem KIHL!
as I Sit id hefniv. there it wa-. and lliim;- m-n- K"iliK mi nx-l
swinilningly. Well, I wo night* sign, al almiit mi.>
heapl .-lej,-. milling this \\t\\ . and Middi-nlr S^HII appmrad.
She wa> in a s, .r! nf halfnlrMB —
- Ualf-divs-.? What <I» y..u nwjin?" a»k*.l ill- «
•• The -,:rt of dn-ss that slnps sliurt Ix-fnn- it nugl/
"(Ih. evening dre>s. you iin-.m."
•• Well, evening dre~.- if yi ni like." ^.,id l!
impatiently. " I 'm no hand al ilix-riliinx il»' tiring* women
Anylmw. ~he i-aine alnng Inwards the liiltrh. liut the
wasn't .il There wii.- a man with her."
•• | l,ei it wa- l in.' '-.iid tli, • l.iggish jroung
with a siiiootli face ami curly hair?"
-That '.- him." -aid the Kabliit.
•• ||e." .-aid the Cat. "II
180
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMDF.Il 11, 1901.
" Don't laugh, Gamp: it's too serious.
They were talking together very earn-
estly. ' Tell me all about it,' she said ;
'it's all deeply interesting;' and then
he set to work and began telling her
what he did in the City. ' When I get
there in the morning,' he said, ' I open
the letters, and if there 's anything very
important I answer at once or dictate to
a short-hand writer.' ' Yes,' she said in
a breathless way, as if she was craving
for more. 'And then,' he went on, 'I
m; iv have a contract to consider. 'How
re rij renj interesting,' said she, 'I xlionlil
like to see you at work some day.
Couldn't I help ? ' I didn't catch what
he said in answer, for at that moment
they turned the corner and disappeared.
But would you believe it, she never
gave me a look, far less a word. I never
was so disgusted in my life. Well, last
night they turned up again at the same
time, and they were talking about the
same sort of silly stuff. But this time,
after they 'd turned the corner, they |
came back, and they weren't talking at
all. He had got, his arm round her
waist, and her head — it's a pretty head
— was lying on his shoulder, and every
now and then he bent over and —
"Kissed her, I bet," said the Cat.
" My poor old Bunbutter, how you have
been taken on. Why, they 're engaged
to be married. It was announced this
morning. If you watch I shouldn't
wonder if you sa^i them again to-night,
but I don't think they '11 be talking
ibout the City, you know."
" They can. come as much as they
like," said the Rabbit sulkily, " I shan't
even look at them. B:th ! "
REVIVAL OF NATIVE GRAND
OPERA.:
MY DRAPER'S OPERA.
ACT TWO.
WE left our hero, it will be remem-
jered, in the hands of the Law, charged
on his own confession with stealing a
yard of calico. The Second Act reveals
,he interior of the Court. Chorus of
urymen, who open the Act (here I
acknowledge my indebtedness to Mr.
with :
We used to be butchers and bakers once,
Tinkers and candlestick-makers once,
Soldiers and sailors and tailors once,
And now we are Jury.
Having obtained silence by saying
hat he will not have his Court turned
nto a theatre, the Judge requests
counsel for prosecution to open the case
or the Crown.
The case proceeds. Counsel for
)rosecution calls heroine, and sings song :
My most important witness see ;
And glean from her a notion
Of how the sex in times of stress
Is subject to emotion :
1 'istraught with nervousness and grief,
Her looks suggest the Maenad.
She watched the movements of the
thief,
And that 's why she 's sub-poena'd.
This lovely but ill-treated maid
(Salt tears I see you dropping)
Set out one morn in her barouche
To do a little shopping.
Referring quickly to my brief,
I find, as I suspected,
A cambric pocket-handkerchief
\\as what the maid selected.
But, as she moved towards the door
(These facts are well attested),
On charge of stealing calico
She found herself arrested.
Of evidence I hold a sheaf,
To prove- that, somewhat later,
Tlie- villain PIJOPP, to her relief,
Confessed himself the traitor.
Counsel for defence says he has no
wish to cross-examine, and the jury,
without leaving the box, find PLOPP
guilty. The Judge sentences him to
penal servitude for life, and he is about
to be led away, when heroine rises in
her place, and, with deep emotion, begins
to sing:
Your ludsliip, ere this gentle youth
Be haled to dungeon cell,
The truth, and nothing but the truth,
The whole truth I will tell.
Ashamed of having sunk so low,
To make amends I '11 try :
You ask who stole that calico ?
Your ludship, it was I.
[Sensation in Court.
My dear papa's a millionaire,
And does not stint his child :
What urged me, then, this crime to
dare?
Some impulse, sudden, wild.
These little hands were never made
To pick and steal, 1 know :
Yet from the narrow path I strayed,
And stole that calico.
And oh ! there is another thing
Which I must now confess,
With difficulty conquering
My maiden bashfulness :
Though Mrs. GRUNDY might taboo
The action, I don't care ;
Sir, Mr. PLOPP, a word with you :
I worship you. So there !
Plopp. Oh, rapture !
[Tliey fly into each other s arms.
The Judge (wiping away a not unmanly
tear] :
Although this scene, I don't deny,
Provokes the sympathetic sigh,
Yet someone's priggeel what isn't his'n,
So someone 's got to go to prison.
Which of the two I elo not know,
But one or the other has got to go.
Counsel for the Defence :
Yes, so it would appear. But, stay
Your ludship, I perceive a way.
Sony.
The laws which govern crimes
Are subtler than men think 'em :
A deal depends in modern times
Upon a party's income,
And much, again, on whether he
Comes of a county family.
A pauper who is bad
Must rue his error dearly ;
And every law-infringing cad
We punish most severely.
The Law (except to the elect)
Must needs be harsh to earn respect.
But should a millionaire
Or scion of the peerage
Pursue the same illegal game,
\Ve soften our severe rage :
Crimes somehow do not seem so wrong.
Perfe>rme-el by one whose purse is long.
This lady, as we know,
For she herself has owned it,
Markeel elown a piece of calico,
And, spe-aking briefly, " boned " it.
Such acts are rarely known to fail
In leading to a stay in gaol.
But mark, this lovely girl.
Whose charms, I own, bewitch one,
Is only daughter to an Earl,
And (by the way) a rich one.
His Lorelship's fortune, so I hear,
Is twenty thousand pounds a year.
Such being her papa
(So runs the law of Britain),
Not theft, but Kleptomania
Must her offence be written.
And thus, it's needless to explain.
She leave's the Court without a stain.
Huge applause in gallery. Judge
blesses hero and heroine, and all
present adjourn to the nearest church
for the wedding. Curtain.
There, Mr. Punch, Sir, you have it.
And if the Draper* 1,'ecnnl is not satis-
fied now, it ought to be.
I remain, Yours, &c.,
HENRY WILLIAM-JONES.
TAKING THE CAKE.— In an interview
in the Daily Mail with Captain Yoss.
who has made a voyage round the world
in a dug-out, the gallant mariner says :
"I wished to put into the Cocos Islands in
the Indian Ocean, because an old lady in
STelson, New Zealand, had entrusted me with a
fruit cake which she had made for her son,
who is employed at the cable station in the
Jocos. ]!ut unfortunately the wind failed, and
the currents drifted me out of my course."
The last sentence is of course a mis-
take. It should run : " But unfortu-
nately the currants failed, and the wind
drifted me out of my course."
SKrTKMRKIt 11, 1901. |
PUNCH. ORJTHEJX)NDON CHARIVARI
A CLOSI-; FINISH.
["A marriiigu is arranged l>rt\u-cn Miss
DIANA ]>AMIIX<;TI>N and Lord ltiin\Kn HKS." Siich
iiiinounmnunls sliould , iisimullyjlie Mli.ur.l
I iv tlio ri'tli-ctitm* nf ill,, unsiu", I'ssfnl lady
competitor.]
'I'm: race of the season is over;
I've lost and DIVNA lias won;
She's feasting on l!ito.\ii\< ui:s' clover.
And 1 am right out of the 'fun.
Though Di was the one to begin it,
Sbeaoon I id me making the pace;
I thought all along 1 should \vin it,
And only hacked her Tor a place.
At Ascot DIANA was leading;
At llejiley 1 spurted ahead ;
At ( 'owes side by side \ve were speeding;
At, Trouville I fancy I led.
Neck to neck we ran, shoulder to
.shoulder,
The pace was too killing to last —
(If the weather had only been colder!) —
I llagged, and DIANA shot past.
My heart 's not by any means broken;
I hope I 'm not wanting in pluck ;
V tear or two, low be it spoken,
Then I kissed her and wished her
good luck.
Di won the race fairly as stated ;
But when her attractions are reckoned
My own must not be underrated —
I finished a very good second !
MR. BROWN AT BREAKFAST.
II. — ON THE ARMY.
ASTONISHING lot of nonsense the Daily
Wire prints about military affairs . . .
no, I do not waste my time reading it.
Any intelligent citizen, MARY, is bound
o take an interest in things of this sort.
Vnd our Army is rotten, Madam— rotten
to the core. . . . What? That reminds
yon, shall TOM KINS be told to pick the
apples ? As you please - I 'm not talk-
ing about apples. Just consider these
Manoeuvres, and the plain common-sense
lessons they teach yon. First of all, a
force lands in England without opposi-
tion. There's a pretty state of things !
. . . No, T didn't say they had interfered
with us — but just think of the disgrace !
Not one General, Madam, not one single
General capable of defending this
unhappy country. And yet it is to
support these expensive frauds that I
have to pay taxes ! . . . Well, if he calls
again, tell him that I will attend to the
matter. There's the rent and rates to be
Men lo first, and goodness knows, with
your housekeeping and IvrilKI.'s div^
bills- but 1 was talking about the Army.
Incompetent profligates, that 's what
the officers are. What sort of life do
they lead? (letting up late, playing
polo and hunting, eating luxurious
dinners, bullying respectable young
men and ducking them in horse-ponds
1'iiir Vinilur (lu uric Curate, irliu IIIIK lumfil liimiflf fnllin-j urrr n rrvjarl kaop:.
MB. I'KRCIVAL, 1'n so HUD TU HI.K i»i 1 i-, AMI MAI lint. 1 • tu / gan lt> m»
there's a life for y mi. . . . What d<
you know about it. Mi.— IvniKi.? . .
Captain I'OXSOMIY told yon? Von cat
tell Aim something then. Tell him thai
Hrilons of common-sense like myself
don't mean to stand the present way o]
going on much longer. Drastic changes
. . No, I'm not trying to break the
lable, M.AIIY . . . drastic changes arc
absolutely nece.-siry.
l-'ir-t of all there mn.-l I"' a dian
swivp at the War Ollice. .Men of brain.-
and common M'li-e are wanted lliere.
Then we must organise a great army. In
n -d then iast all round England. Tin-
man who will not serve hi.- lime as a
militiaman or volunteer is not worthy of
the name of Englishman, and tin- fruit
1 told yon once al>outtlios<- appli -
I do wish you wouldn't interrupt.
If they're not picked to-day they '1
have to wait for time weeks? Why?
Ti'MMVs can pick lliiin ni-xl tin
Ci'IlM--. A~ I «.l-
>\>li-ln Illil^l In- dt-M-lii|«il. and
T<iVKIN> Wnil't 1»- IllTi- f'T thr
( ii it I go n. 1. 1 i .imp for lii- ir.n
Well, I call it |«-rf.vtl\ .li^'r... i-fnl '
II, i,- I pa> a m.iii liigli wiip-H l<> alleod
to ni\ g.ird.-n nn«i- ., .-I llim
this mi-< i.ihli- KVHUtn takn liim nwu\.
at the i H'lit IIIIH-. In | l.iy at
•...Idh-r- ' ... If I lia\'
.M\IIY. I «liall «
(he lin ill/ \\ a-' on ll
The War in Little.
tWMB
-. Minn, and I 'in ««>«Djl
o follow .-nit. I'm gnii <«nc
188
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 14, 1904
THE PHILANTHROPIST AND THE
CONSTABLE ;
On, SIGNS OF THE TIMES.
Philanthropist. Recent events have
sliown that the police have a totally
false view of their duties, and that we
are on the eve of great reforms, which 1
hope personally to do something to
assist. You seem to be a very intelli-
gent officer- —will you answer a feu-
questions 'i
Constable. Talk away.
P. Well, what is it you do?
C. Sometimes I'm on point duty.
/'. What is that?
(7. Controlling the traffic.
P. All, yes, I've seen you. You hold
up your hand and stop the horses.
C. That 's it.
P. Poor things !
C. Who?
P. The horses. Stopped
like that by the arbitrary hand
of petty officialdom, when they
want to be trotting along in
their free, happy way. It is the
same thing wherever one looks
— hard unsympathetic power,
repressing and coercing.
C. But I say—
P. And what other duties
have you ?
G. Why, I keep the peace. If
anyone does wrong I arrest him.
P. Arrest him? What, he-
fore he has been tried ?
C. Well, he can't be tried
until he gets to the Court ;
and it isn't likely he '11 go to
the Court of his own free will.
P. And yet he is innocent until he is
proved guilty. What right have yon to
submit an innocent man to the indignity
of public arrest and a public procession
through the streets ?
G. I don't know where I am ! Sup-
pose someone saw him do it ?
P. It doesn't matter. The man is
innocent until he 's proved guilty.
G. Everyone 's guilty of something —
if we only knew.
P. Perhaps, but that mustn't be the
police view. The world, in the police
view, should be peopled by white souls.
G. Well, I give it up. But how is In-
to be proved guilty if he 's not taken to
the Court ?
P. 1 '111 afraid that I must compromise
with you there. He must be taken to
the Court, but it must be done with
scrupulous delicacy and consideration.
C. Scrupulous what ?
P. Scrupulous delicacy and considera-
tion. You should be rather the friend
than the enemy. I wish some Jes;
formal and repelling uniform could be
found for you.
G. It 's all right, isn't it?
P. I don't like it. I don't like your
boots. They suggest Juggernaut to me.
G. Jugger ?
P. J uggernaut. A huge car that
crushes its victims beneath it.
C. I say
P. I don't like your helmet. It 's per-
haps the least winning, the least ingra-
tiating type of all English head-gear.
Can you make soup in it ?
< '. I never tried.
/'. Do try. If it could lie used to
make soup in, or beef-tea to administer
to your clients on the way to the Police
Station, it would be transformed from
an emblem of coercion to a utensil of;
charity.
' '. I never thought, of that before.
P. And your tunic, with that for-
hidding belt, and that unsympathetic
Firet Monkey. " OSTKICII is uoixc TOO STIKIXO FOII KLEPMAXT.. UK
SEEMS KIM. OK LICK."
N, ,-,,»,/ M.mki'ij. " Yi;s ; T i NhKiisTAND HE SWALLOWED FOII: HORSE-
SHOES BEFORE THE CJAMK STAKTKD ! "
band round your sleeve — couldn't we
alter that ?
C. It 's rather admired.
P. Oh yes, by the imsuspected ; not
by the suspected.
G. Well, why should they admire it ?
P. Why should they not ?
C. It 's not usual, it 's not natural.
P. Let us make it usual and natural.
My object is to make the policeman the
suspected man's courteous friend, the'
suspected woman's chivalrous protector. |
< '. (ireat Scotland Yard !
P. Let me see, what 's that thing like
a stick ?
G. That's my truncheon.
P. Let me feel it. Why, it's hard !
G. Of course ; it 's for hitting people,
when they 're obstinate.
P. Hitting ! But that won't do. How
P. There, that 's better. Yon 're quite
catching the spirit. But I fear that
chocolate creams are going too far.
There is a hint of pampering there.
No, let us have an umbrella instead of a
truncheon (just as swprds were made
into ploughshares, you know) to shelter
the suspected in the wet.
< '. .1 list as you like.
P. And what are those things in your
pocket?
( '. These are handcuffs.
/'. Handcuffs ! Worse and worse.
When do you use them?
C. Oh, some of your innocents now and
then have to he looked after, to pivvrnl
their innocence doing any one harm.
P. No wonder, poor fellows ! How
would you like to be misunderstood
like that ?
C. But, Icwk here, don't you
think anyone ever did any-
thing ?
P. I don't say that, but I
think that to know all is to
forgive all.
G. Do you mind saying
that very slowly ?
P. Certainly'. To know all
is to forgive all.
C. I see what you mean.
But isn't that asking a good
lot from a constable ?
P. There you put your
linger on the chief Haw. Our
constables are not sufficiently
advanced. They are chosen
now for their si/.e and muscle.
They ought to he chosen for
their qualities of head and
heart.
C. And what do you want
if 1 find a burglar in your
me to do
house?
P. Oh, every inquiry should be made,
and he should lie given a fresh start in
life.
G. Suppose he has murdered you
before I get there ?
P. It would have been done, I am
sure, in a momentary aberration.
I 'in not so sure. \Kj-it.
C.
To FREE TKAIMCUS AMI MATRIMONLH
AGENTS.- Attention is called to a cheap
line in matches (four boxes a penny),
made in Sweden. The following notice
rather strikes one on the box : " These
matches are specially prepared so that
the ends do not drop off, and the match
grows gold immediately after the flame
very retrograde! We must have new j is extinguished." All of course is not
ones, made of something soft, in case : gold that splutters; hut if matrimonial
they were used by accident. They must agents could undertake that the matches
he emblems of authority, portents of what ; they arrange should " grow gold innne-
might happen. ; they must not be used, diately after the tlanie is extinguished "
G. Couldn't [they he made hollow to we should hear less of disillusions
hold chocolate creams for the poor lady sequent upon the clamping of early
prisoners ? enthusiasm.
Mother of unprepossessing Youngster. " YES, WE HAD A un or TROUBLE wmipnjf WHE* UK » AS A JUm ' "
\ isitor. "AND now, I'M SURE, THE LITTLE. MAN IIAS -KKSSD orr TO BE A BIJ:- -<;I'I»E!"
MUSICAL NOTES.
TIIK spread of motoring amongst the
musical profession was agreeably mani-
fested at the Gloucester Musical Festival
which was held with great eclat last
peek. The beautiful town of Gloucester
was riot only gay with bunting but
Ira.!; rant with petrol, and every species
(it self-propelled vehicle, from the dwarf
jinrickshawette to the motor-caravan,
Bright be seen speeding through thequaint
Streets of (he sleepy old Cathedral town.
Perhaps the most general attention was
aiiraeted by Sir EDWARD ELGAK'S
sumptuous 45-h.p. Mors omnibus with
enamelled chunking-knobs and sliding
Bandolier. The interior of the car was
beautifully upholstered in limp lamb-
skin, and (lie chauffeur, a stalwart jager
Irom the Bavarian Highlands, was mtidi
admired.
Sir Cini(i.r.s STANFORD rode over
erverj day from Malvern on his dainty
litilr Flamingo auto-pram. By a happy
drought he had fixed a gramophone
attachment to his horn, with the result
'hat as he went along he was able to
-1'"1' "in tasteful selections from the
best (TII i posers. \Ve cannot but think
that tin-; method of c.iinhiirng education
with safety is destined to a great fiitun
Probably the fastest and certainly th
mast vivacious air at Gloucester las
week was Sir HniEitr PABRY'S CO-h.p
Frasquita, in which he is reported t
have negotiated tlie road to hi
country seat at the rate of ninety mile-
an hour. Last Wednesday, owing t<
the unclamping of the bonxolinc lul
bearings, the gusset -winch )«•<-
jammed in the divot-spandril, and Si
HUBERT was unable to apply the brake
with the result that his tnaqnita Imr-
into a preserve manufactory in Collegi
Street, and was literally sniothercd ii
plum jam. The occupants of the cai
were extricated with considerable dilli-
culty, but without any serious casualties
and a sab-oof cheers greeted the intrepid
composer as he entered the Shire Hall
in a sticky but otherwise undefeated
condition.
Amongst other tasteful turin-uN we
noticed the Dean's ^cylinder 16-min.
Sermonette, Miss MIRIKI. Fc-
3-spring Hiimberdinck Laadauette, Mr.
jRANVILLE B\M'«Vs Fafner-H
•iole, driven hylhenew r.vtitiiil
;j.irit." and ' .Mr. 00«l»'«
liros'.-hky with cnrrui,' it- 'I baaed*
iln- fi.i- Kifnwor
Km Minsi-iin! -.
size i:f hi:; lnittcrl!\ lie, aiid lh.
meter i if his MIIII|IMT». I'nifnmir
KRI •lllLtsilKM, it may l»- im-nli
the ynimgesl ,,f |,-n l,i..i|,,-r- notW ol
« IK nil weigh- l.-v- ili.in nine M.-
A Whiintioal Alternative.
FlU'M the I-'fi-hi (»'/'• 'III'/ Mini, S-pl I1
Wanted llaniKiniiini <ir ll'-l'-ff JJIMI."
Son* of Harmony.
'Tin: fiilluxring nxilution," MTV tin-
\ortlirrn Krlm. in il- n-|«>n "f a ni^-linK
<t the Xorr uc-il of II
ni-ii's Ki-lcniliiin." wan carried thwinu
luitiiny hii-hw chrlu i-mfw mrrinl with
maiiiiiiity." As SHKKIDA.X M.VH. in The
'rilic, " When they do agree their awi-
limily is w<iriili-rfiil."
complain*
II a liievele he |.;i— «M| nOtlCV-
Hi:ird w'hicli s.,1,1. Tin- I.Vvi- i- Cumen.
•iiuiedi;ll. I- lie f..UM'i
•at il w.is r.-illy <»n\. and fell int.. llie
MTlnr-
190
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
i SE I'TEMIiEll 11, 1904.
THE RETORT CURTEOUS.
Motorist (cheerfully — to fdloiz-fjiicat in, house partij'). " WHAT LUCK?
Angler (bitterly), "Xo. HAVE YOU?"
KlLLELi ANYTHING ?"
NEW HOUSEHOLD RECIPES.
BY OUR OWN UN-BEETON DOMESTIC
ECONOMIST.
I. — How to make several pots of Mar-
malade out of a few land word*.
TAKE any inexperienced and recently
married young woman. Draw her
gently and casually into conversation on
the subject of preserves. Then drop a
few hints, not too many, to the effect
that you cannot understand the common
aversion to " shop " marmalade. If this
appears to produce slight irritation, then
force the topic lightly, without causing
her to boil over. If she throws in some-
thing about "carrots" and "street-
sweepings," don't give it time to settle,
but keep gently stirring. When all is
ready, say quite pleasantly that you
yourself prefer the manufactures of
Messrs. P — — or K ---- to " any house-
hold marmalade you ever ate." Then
leave the whole to simmer. In a -few
days she will send you several pots of her
oicn make.
II. — How to get a new hat
Choose an old and well-worn "topper"
and brush with greatest care, so as to
make quite presentable. Then take
some stout, short-sighted and well-to-do
friend to a cheap concert, carefully
selecting seats in a rather dark corner.
At a convenient interval, while you
are both standing, sli/i your lint care-
fully onto his seat. Then begin telling
him an amusing anecdote, and before
you reach the point (stifling a burst of
laughter as if the thing were too good
to tell) sit down suddenly. He will pro-
bably do the same.
Having made sure the hat is com-
pletely smashed, be careful (i.) to exclaim,
and with some heat, at the loss of it ;
and then (ii.) to recover yourself quickly
and say, " Never mind, it is only an old
one."
Note. — The above two recipes cannot
be used twice on the same person.
III. — How to dine cheaply (icith an
alternative).
Choose an evening when there is a
: certain prospect of heavy rain. Then,
carefully leaving behind your mackintosh
and umbrella, walk some little distance
to the house of any not rcrj/ intimate
friends. You should be late for tea (as
this will leave an initial impression of
purity of motive on your part, and defec-
tive hospitality on theirst.and decline, at
all risks, to have it recalled. Make
yourself as pleasant as possible for some
time, keeping a careful but surreptitious
eye on the weather.
As soon as it is pouring Jicarily, rise
and make a demonstration of going.
Then look out of the window, and
ostentatiously simulating surprise lament
that you have no protection against the
rain. They will probably press y< >u with
apparent heartiness to stay to dinner.
If there is any hesitation about this
(but you must give it a few minutes to
mature) ask, simply and apologetically,
Ihe loan of an umbrella.
They will probably prefer the other
alternative. If not, take the best.
THE ASCENT OF ANIMALS. — " House-
keeper (middle-aged) wanted, in a farm-
house, for an elderly gentleman, two in
family (two cows), must be a good cook."
— From the " Taunton Gazette."
TIIEHE'S NO PLACE I.IKE HOME.---" Kent
Coast. Home-killed butcher's Iwsinevs ;
rent £35, &c."--Daili, Mail.
EN KOUTE.
A. " CHANGING YOUR PLANS ? "
BCSSIAM BI:AK. "NOT AT ALL, MADAM. I ALWAYS rNMKI;To<>K To KVACCATi: MAN' MINIMA ,
AND THE PROMISES OF RUSSIA ARK SACK KM !"
THE ART OF SLEEP.
ACCORDING to the Daily Telegra/,/, of
Sept. 7, there is shortly to be opened
in Paris a school to teach persons how
to sleep well and gracefully. A brand
establishment will simultaneously be
inaugurated in London. M?-. Puncli
takes leave to make the following extracts
from the Prospectus : —
VISITOR.
His Grace the Duke of DEVONSHIRE.
PRINCIPAL.
The Rector of Little Snoring, Norfolk.
RUSHERS.
The HOME SECRETARY (Legal Depart-
ment).
Mr. MASKELYNE (Hypnotic Course).
Mrs. ADA S. BALLIN (Editor of " Baby ").
Sir CHARLES WYNDHAM (Theatrical
Lectures).
Sir J. W. SZLUMBER (Sleeping Partner-
ship).
Registered Telegraphic Address :
" Sleep-walker, London."
SUBJECTS OF INSTRUCTION INCLUDED IN
THE REGULAE COURSE.
Pyjamas and their Construction.
Behaviour in a Sleeping-car.
How not to Snore through sermons.
The Treatment of Twins during Teeth-
ing-time.
Nightcaps and other Sleeping-
draughts.
Warming-pans, Etiquette of.
Four-posters, how to make with a
Pocket-knife.
Sleeping Beauty-culture.
Somnambulism for Ladies, First
Steps in.
Appropriate Costume for the same.
Apple-pie Beds, how to lay, enter, and
avenge them.
Cold Pig and its application.
Nightmares, their Origin, Develop-
ment and Classification.
Curtain Lectures for all, with Selected
Repartees.
Auto-hypnotism, or Lullabies for the
Lonesome.
Sheep-counting and like Soporifics.
Management of Lighted Candle before,
and after, Falling Asleep.
Expeditious Modes of Escape from
Fire in Bedrooms.
Getting out of Bed the Wrong Side in
the Morning, How to Avoid.
Sleeping round the Clock, when Per-
missible.
The Early Worm, Moral Reflections
on.
Pulex irritans, Advice with Regard to.
Forms of Protest to Landlady concern-
ing the same.
Park-benches, Use of, in Emergencies.
The Plank-bed, Best Positions on.
The Hammock as an Aid to Flirtation.
Ditto, Simple Way to Fall out of.
Wife. ''I HOPE TOf TALKED PUISI.V To HIM."
Husband. "I DID INDEED. I TOI.D HI* ur. mu i root, A
\\'ifi' (approrinyly). " I>KAR .lolls! How KIArrtT LUF
root!"
Object-lessons in illustration of the
above Syllabus of Lectures will !>«• given
by competent instructors at tin- Central
Sleep-Depot, but pupils, who may )><> (if
any age, size, or sex, will be required to
pursue their studies in the new Art at
their own private residences, dormitories,
Rowton Houses, or opium dens.
IN return for a rise in wau
messenger boys of Newark N,l
all signed an agreement net to grookj
Mr.
Embarraa <U B'cbraaw.
/'if IK/I hail ill way* UDoVnUmi
read sensational
hours.
know why the lads signed *)
and it was only diaoovored
that nothing had IHTH
watching dog-fights.
that "the ]*r
but had no idc-.i that r
as the following adv.-m- -i
provincial |«jier wmiM MI-MI '" imllMlt:
AfTOKSan<IAI'P
A jn Stork : plain, hand-oolminrd, jcwrlW
and luminoiii> . . .
( if the*- uWrii'liv.- rpitheU, all Iml the
la.-t have nn air of gCTiuineaeB*, and
N,,. I rei.als an a-t. •
l.tful thai our
cr-iire;
novels .InriiiK working lint "
l..
afar*
XAIIT.
KikolK •
FOB THK J»P*MK.-
194
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 14, 1904.
THOUGHT FORCES.
BETTY always says that thoughts are
things, and BETTY knows, for she has
Deen to twelve lectures on the subject.
Mr. HOBBS, the lecturer, says that each
thought we think is an electric current
or powerful magnetic force which attracts
to it everything corresponding to its
expression." I tried to explain this to
EMILY, my sister-in-law.
" EMILY," I said, " I hear your father's
aiidigestion is no better, and it never will
l>e if he is always concentrating on its
imperfections."
She replied that his digestive pills
liad come.
"My dear EMILY," I cried, "a pill
:annot alter the balance of a conscious-
ness. I wish you could attend Mr.
HOBBS'S lectures! He is such a nice
man, with a dimple in his chin."
was glad EMILY did not seem to care for
further explanations, as Mr. HOBBS,
though very interesting, is often a little
confusing.
BETTY'S letters, too, on the subject of
Mental Science are often very puzzling.
She writes : —
" DEAR MEG, — You say you sometimes
find your thoughts are growing beyond
your control. Remember what Mr.
HOBBS said in his last lecture, that ti
acknowledge an unreality was a sure
way of making it a reality. I have been
thinking a good deal about what you
said concerning your thought-currents.
They are too strong if they oblige you
to hold on to the furniture or catch al
the arm of your nearest neighbour,
should say the desire for physical
support shows great want of menta
ballast and too much thought-expansion
It would be well to poise on a contrac-
tion. Think of the cause of the expan-
sion, if there be one, as half its origimv
size. Your affectionate BETTY.
"P.S. — If you have your copy o:
What are your Atoms? I think you wil
find Chapter II. very helpful — ' How tc
balance on nothing.' "
It took me a long time to understanc
the meaning of poising on a contraction
but it came to me when I was staying
with my mother-in-law, for when I an
with her my consciousness expands witl
nervous irritation like a sponge which is
filled with water. As she is only five
feet one, it was difficult to poise on \
contraction by thinking of her as hal
her original size, but I persevered am
was rewarded by my thought-current
settling comfortably down round ivn
mother-in-law.
Towards the end of our visit she wa
taken ill. "Lady WORLEY is suffer in;
from mental strain and nervous contrac
tion," I heard Dr. TYMS say to my fatlici
n-law. His words made me so uncom-
ortable that I wrote at once to BETTY.
This was her reply:--
" DEAR MEO, — You want to know if it
* possible to reduce the human body by
loising on a contraction. It can be
one. Mr. HOBBS told me he took four
tone off his mother, her original weight
icing seventeen, simply by applying the
aw of contraction. I don't quite know
low you begin, and 1 have no books with
lie, so cannot attempt an explanation.
"It would be the making of your
isters-in-law to attend a five-guinea
ourse of lectures Mr. HOBBS is giving
in 'How to vibrate at a moment's
lotice.'
" If they were to join, you need not
lave them to stay ; an early morning
rain would get them up in heaps of
ime."
This letter gave me very little real
issistance.
"The dreadful part is," I replied,
that I cannot get off the poise however
nucli I try. 1 still see my mother-in-
aw in the form of a contraction and as
she ought not to be— half her original
size."
Two mornings after our return home
[ sought the assistance of Mr. HOBBS.
His wife was present, and this I found
rather embarrassing.
Mr. HOBBS, too, kept smiling all over
liis broad, red face when I was talking,
which was very disconcerting, but when
I told him that I was afraid my mother-
in-law's illness was entirely my fault lie
looked delightfully sympathetic.
" If only I hadn't poised on a contrac-
tion it wouldn't have mattered so much,
would it ? " I said. " Or do you think
everything matters, and she will shrink
away to nothing, if I keep on seeing her
like that, and how am I to prevent
myself from doing so? "
Mrs. HOBBS remarked it was a provi-
dential coincidence they hadn't sailed
for New York last week, as they had
intended doing.
" Look here, dear," said Mr. HOBBS
" there 's no good mincing matters. ]
guess you 'd be happier to know the
truth, which is the mainspring of tlii;
universe. I reckon you 've been having
a dip into my little book," he continued
laying his hand on a copy of What are
your Atoms'?
I nodded.
"Just so," he returned, "and by mis-
applying its directions you 've got youi
mother-in-law revolving round such ;
small circle, so to speak, that it will takt
Mrs. HOBBS and myself a very consider
able time to get your relation fixed up
to the right rate of vibration."
I looked at him aghast.
"A very considerable time," Mr. HOBBS
repeated. "No one can continual!
mbibe a powerful suggestion without
eeling its effects."
Mrs. HOBBS was more encouraging.
"I don't say as how you haven't got
hings in a jumble," she said, "by
inshing the old lady out of her course,
md that it won't take time and money
o get her back again, but there isn't
my reason why she shouldn't be brought
>afe round to her original starting-point
jy me and Mr. HOBBS. Why, it 's just
ovely to help them who can't help
hemselves, and it makes us just wild
,o be obliged to charge a small fee for
so doing."
"I should think," I said, "that
iclping people to manage their thought
towers must make you very busy, as
liey seem so dangerous."
" It 's this way, dear," returned Mr.
: limns. "We begin here," and he
pointed to the middle of his bald head,
'and we end here," and he glanced
down at his boots.
"It's real lovely," interposed Mrs.
, " to hear them talk, and it 's real
[ovely to help them to understand what
Iocs belong to them, that they 've eaeh
got a great big consciousness that will
vibrate and respond to any mood they
like to suggest."
Your consciousness is in such a
sensitive condition," said Mr. HOBBS,
"that the thoughts it throws off are
charged with a perfect battery of electric
force. If it weren't so do you think
your mother-in-law would have lost
power at such a rate ? "
"Why don't you warn people?" 1
groaned; "how was I to know that by
trying to reduce my thought expansion
by thinking of the object of its expan-
sion in the form of a contraction, I should
hurt it physically — no, her, I mean, oi-
ls it it ? " I looked helplessly at Mr.
HOBBS.
He smiled encouragingly.
"Seems to me what you want is to
have things put before you clear and
simple," he said. " Why not take one or
two preliminary lessons from me or .Mr>.
HOBBS? Single lessons one guinea, five
guineas for the course of six."
"I'd just love to have you coming
around of a morning," said that lady,
''and we'd have a real cosy talk,
beginning with how to know your atoms,
and working up gradual till you felt free
and friendly with all your own, and any
other thought currents around."
As it appeared that the fees were pay-
able in advance, J thought I would put
Mr. HOBBS'S system to a fresh test, and
poise on a contraction, in the hope of
seeing them at half-price. The failure
of this test made me so suspicious of the
whole methods that I left without paying,
and must now reluctantly leave the
restoration of my mother-in-law in the
hands of Providence.
SKITKMIIKH 11, I'.IOI.J
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
190
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 14, 1904.
RAILWAY REFRESHMENTS;
OK, NONE BUT THE BRAVE CAN
STAND THE FAKE.
A CONFEREXVE of Railway Refresh-
ments was recently held at the Crystal
Palace, and was attended by a large
number of delegates who fairly repre-
sented a wide-spread community.
A VETERAN HAM SANDWICH
from Stafford, unanimously —
voted into the chair by reason
of seniority, said he was proud
to occupy this position, as he
had seen many years' service,
and although he was now doing
duty as a foundation sand-
wich at the bottom of a pile,
he had no reason to doubt
that he had still a long and
useful career before him, and
might some day even reach
the top again. He went on to
say that the meeting was
convened to discuss the im-
portant question, How is the
travelling public to obtain
reasonably decent refresh-
ments at fair prices and at
seasonable times? He would
now invite the delegates to
give their views, and would ask
them not all to speak at once.
A BATH BUN
from Rugby, who said lie was
very tired, having been on
night duty for three weeks, re-
marked'that he thought the
public were themselves to
blame,. and he would suggest
a severe boycott on their part.
He ventured to guarantee that
such a course would soon
induce a better state of things.
useful. This juvenile, however, was
called to order by the Chairman, who
said that the time of the meeting could
not be wasted by talking of impossibili-
ties. Whereupon a
LUXOHEOX B \SKET
from Huston rose. After stating that he
had travelled a great deal, he said that he
had noticed that wherever the catering at
the various stations was let out to private
A MEAT PIE
from Norwich, Icxiking rather
battered^ said he did not agree
with that ; the public was
caught in a trap as it were.
They struggled manfully
against imposition. He him-
self had been refused three
times during the last week by as many
commercial travellers, but even they had
been compelled by hunger to eat some-
thing at last — a sawdust biscuit. No,
he thought that the better feelings of the
Railway Companies should be appealed
to. Here a general chorus broke in to
the effect that Railway Companies had
no better feelings ; during which the
Meat Pie sat down.
A BANBURY CAKE
on decoy duty at Liverpool Street -apolo-
gised for his youth, being only just
turned a week old, and suggested that a
little wholesome competition would be
Ilintnr'uin. "Boy, is THIS THE FIELD UPON WHICH THE GREAT BATTLE
WAS FOUGHT?"
Native Boy. "No, ZUR, THAT BE IT AT THE TOP OF THAT HILL."
Historian. "DEAR, DEAR! THAT HILL MUST BE QUITE A MILE AWAY!"
(Playfully) " WHY EVER DIDN'T THEY FIGHT IT IN THIS FIELD ? "
Boy. "I ZUPPOSE BECAUSE THIS HERE VIELD BELONGS TO VxRMER
JoNSON. HE NEVER WILL LEND HIS VIELDS FOR ANYTHING, NOT EVEN FOR
T' VILLAGE SPORTS! "
local concerns the refreshments were
vastly superior to those provided by the
Railway Companies, and he therefore
suggested that the catering should be
universally put out to tender.
He was followed by someone in the
bottom of a tumbler who said he was
" SCOTCH."
This speaker declared that lie had to
suffer a great deal of contumely and
abuse ; in fact had actually been accused
of poisoning people. It was bad enough
to be scorned on account of meagre
dimensions, but when the Companies
sought to make unwarrantable profit
out of his quality and laid him open to
criminal charges he thought it time to
open his mouth.
A GLASS OF BITTER
endorsed the last speaker's remarks,
and said he was sorry to say that he also
was sniffed and sneered at on account of
his size.
Ax ATTENUATED SAUSAGE,
looking rather lonely on his
plate, notwithstanding a brave
garnish of parsley, announced
that he had heard several un-
gentlemanly remarks as to the
apathy and indifference of the
young ladies who ornamented
the official side of the counters.
He hoped, he sincerely hoped,
that these were as a rule un-
called for. He himself was
sufficiently well bred (laughter)
not to make any comment,, but
he might say the matter re-
quired looking to.
A CUP OF Bovim.
I \Varrington ), who Icjoked very
pale, and was so weak that he
could scarcely stand, said with
some difficulty that he must
protest. He vowed that all the
"countesses" with whom he
had the honour to have deal-
ings were most obliging ; he
could say of his own knowledge
that, when a passenger re-
quired a cup of Bovril, they
would immediately put the
kettle on to boil, and serve him
if possible in twenty minutes.
He would mention that
A CUP OF TEA,
who was to have accompanied
him, would have endorsed his
remarks had he not been so
strong that he stopped on the
way to give some navvies a
good tannin'.
A SEGMENT OF PORK PIE,
who had been travelling all
night from Bristol, and looked
rather dishevelled in consequence, pro-
posed, and a venerable grey -bearded
SARDINE (Preston) seconded, that a report
of this meeting be forwarded to the
Railway Companies of the kingdom.
The resolution was carried unani-
mously, and a vote of thanks accorded
to the Chairman, who, in dismissing
the several delegates to their homes,
impressed upon them the import-
ance of conducting themselves soberly
and staidly as befitting their age,
and exhorted them to keep their
freshness of appearance as long as
possible.
SKITKMUKU 14, 1004.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
WAS OMAR KHAYYAM A GOLFER?
[Space does not permit the publication of
more than a selection from ovir Correspondent's
lengthy letter.]
Mr. PUNCH,
Sin,-- I «a.s astounded at an article in
a ivivnt i.-sue of your organ, evidently
I'roni the pen of a Scotsman, claiming
OM vii KHAYYAM as a devotee of golf.
Sir! 0. K. was a cricketer, a profes-
sional who probably began his career as
a groundsman. It would be his duty to
erect the marquees, hence lie
is known as " OMAR the Tent-
Maker."
It was contended even then
that the distinction between
amateur and professional was
invidious ; he
"Heard great argument
About it, and about ; but evermore
Came out by the same door as in 1
went."
Then, too, existed the slog-
ger and the stonewaller. " Let
I{ ust um layabout him as he
will," is a distinct reference
to the JESSOP of his time. As
he philosophically observes,
you can but get a blob at the
worst :
"Thou shalt be nothing— Thou
shall not lie less."
His mention of the potterer
" thumping the wet clay " is
a succinct allusion to the old
Scolton type of player patting
the worn patches on a sticky
wicket while " time is slipping
underneath our feet."
Your contributor cites for
his golf argument the cele-
brated stanza beginning, " The
ball no question makes —
There could be no more
convincing evidence of the
blindness that comes of pre-
conceived opinion. As well
might one attempt to deduce
from it OMAR'S participation in
football under the Rugby code.
"The hall no question makes
of Eyes arid Nose," might
knows about it all, he know,. In-
knows! " becomes simply the e\],i.
of OMAR'S opinion that, although he was
given out, the fieldsman who, presum-
ably, appealed must have known that
OMAR was a yard past the wickets when
the ball hit them.
OMAR'S "benefit "would appear to have
not been a success; he speaks of having
"-M| I my reputation for a song." The
last quatrain of the liuhaiyat alludes to
his final innings in which he unfortu-
nately failed. It would seem that the
1H)\Y TIIKV CUT Til 1. 1;
• tpoiwlrnt (if iln
*.'»<•'• til WIUUM I;*,
umndentanding, It .ij.|.-sr» that th>
ing, It .ij.|
the lint
ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.
lite Ram (stentoi-iously, just as Brown fc«« missed a hco-poun.ler at
least). "BAH!"
indeed, on a cursory observation, seem to
point to this conclusion.
But the real key to the quatrain
is found when one looks at it as a
record »!' < huu's having been given
" run out," much to his dissatisfaction.
"The hall no question makes of Ayes
or Noes." Either OMAR or his partner
had called "Yes" while the other had
said "No."
The last line is said to be "a very
mysterious line." It is only so in con-
junction with the third line: " he that
threw thee down into the field."
i his he corrected to "he that threw
thee out from the longficld," then " he
match was played on the home ground,
as he alludes to the visiting team ("The
Guests") as being "scattered on the
grass," no doubt while waiting for the
next batsman. His score of one, probably
one of a series of small scores, make
him conscious of failing powers, and
he thus addresses one of the younger
members of the team :
And then thyself with shining loot shalt pan
Among the gueste star-scattered on the g ws,
And in thy joyous errand reach the spot
Where I made one.
I am, Sir,
Your obedient servant,
SKKIIKK Pitm.
pert of the remark
liy a high authority, who .li-M-ril.
Wiu IAX m "a KIXH! jud^r (.f a li..rw."]
PI-RIM; one of Mr. HM
Windsor, tin' conversation lurn. ,1 ,.., |||,.
li.-iuly of (.iir English e.ilh,
one of the company, referring to \
but chancing to ]>oint at that ....... ienl
to Mr. HM.IOI ii.
"Thai 's a prim.- nun
Her late MUKMY, who |IP|
followed the >|.c,iker's gesture,
seemed nmeh i\ The
-equcl we all know.
"My ii|>|Miintineiit .,
laureate." slid Mr. AUHED
Ai -us, •' was, I |»-li,.v,.. ,.„.
tirely due to my early addle
tioil to musical e ...... -dy. I
had the henctit of clo>e aaao-
eiation with the < In
and he was good enough to
say that I was ' th.
singer of a comic song of any
amateur he knew.' S.me
years afterwards, when the
post of Poet Laureate win
\aeant. Lord Svi.isiuitv made
inipiiries and the remark of
YVMI: u.i^ n-peai.'d to him.
lie only heard, however, the
tirsl three words, and siip-
posed that I was descrilp
a poet. That, I lieliev
how I qualified for the annual
hull of sherry."
Lord KOSKIIKRY'K select i«n
to Miceee<l Mr. <ii M-IONE as
Leader of the Lilx-nil Party
is generally jiw-rilM-d to the
recommendation of his ].re
deceswir, lint the details of
the decision have IP
made |. nl. lie hrfore. It now
tnins|iires that Mr. (!i \i'-
alhiding to tie- literary ^'ifl-
of l/.rd KOSI.IIKKV, ..... ••• "I i
s.-rveil, " What a s|,|eudid
lesider writer he would make."
remark was overheard liy
The
influential memhers of the Party, who.
however, failed to catch the fifth w..nl
in (lie sentence we have quoted. with n-
which are already ancient hi~'
Latett concerning the War.
WllVT is the difference h'twei'ii Mil
English soldier and a Russian .-.Idler?
One is TOJIMV ATKINS and the other
Kriior UK
MR. GEORT.E II. SIMS' NKW ADDBBB.-
Tooting IVvk.
198
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
14, 11)01.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
"HERE'S another Gry" which his surname be BOOTHBY,
novelist, who, in his latest work entitled A I! ruin from the
Sea (Jonx Low), gives us a tale of romantic adventure such
as, it may be hoped, will be ever dear to the
heart, and welcome to the intelligence, of the
readily appreciative Baron. Is it a book for
youth '? Then is the Baron young enough to
welcome it. Is it a book for boys ? Let it
be so; maxima ilchrtur /wr/'x, and, pro liae
rice, the boyish Baron is all agog for the
•very best incidents of adventure and "deeds
of derring do." The older the boy the greater the treat,
and the more fervently does he cherish his juvenescence.
Here we have another "story of ElizabetJi." But this
Elizabeth, the charming heroine of GUY BOOTHBY'S tale,
is a young, beautiful and fascinating Spanish maiden
of noble family, wrecked, and left for dead upon the
horrid rocks of a wild Devonian coast. She is chris-
tened Elizabeth, faute de mieux, in honour of the
Bounding British BESS, who happened to be the occupant
of the English throne when this lovely waif was cast upon
the shores of our hospitable island. Fortunately this fair
flotsam of Spanish extraction is found, all alive 0, by Master
Gilbert Peniston, son and heir of Sir Matthew Peniston,
knight, lord of this particularly rocky manor. Sir Gilbert,
in his very youthful days, had been a gallant at the court of
Bluff King HAL, whence, having a curious instinct as to self-
preservation, he had fled, while yet his head remained to him,
in order to settle down quietly as a fine old country gen-
tleman, with a considerable estate and a devoted tenantry.
How this excellent old knight's son, Master Gilbert, falls in
love with the Spanish waif; how the Spanish waif, about
to become his wife, is rudely snatched from him ; how lie
pursues the captors and the captured, and what comes of
the pursuit, — all this, and more, in wholesale and detail,
forms the plot of as varied a series of stirring adventures as
any peaceful lover of genuine melodrama could possibly desire.
Of course the narrative is given in the language of the Eliza-
bethan gadzooks period, which lias more or less to be adapted
to the ease and comfort of a twentieth-century rapid reader.
But, all due allowance having been made, the Baron feels sure
that in recommending this stcry to the not too fastidious in
literary matters, and generally to those who seek in a novel
relaxation and recreation, he will earn the gratitude of the
majority. It is not DUMAS, neither is it SCOTT, of the past, nor
is it GILBERT PARKER, nor QUILLER-COUCH, nor ANTHONY HOPE
of the present ; nor is it GUY BOOTHBY at his best ; but it is
very nearly one of his best, and it may suffice for some hours'
interest and amusement during the hard-worker's well-earned
vacation.
The Last Hope. (SMITH, ELDER) is the last work of HEXBY
SETON MERRIMAN, who, before Death came all too early,
enriched literature with some notable novels. In his final
effort he has done what a succession of sixty-six Kings of
France failed to accomplish. He lias created a Bourbon
chivalrous, brave, unselfish, almost honest. The plot of the
story is worked out with all Mr. MERRIMAX'S ingenuity,
patience and skill. The scene is laid chiefly in Paris on the
eve of the coup d'etat. Here and there we get a glimpse of
Louis NAPOLEON, and of his methods of underhand work.
Mr. MKUDIMAN, improving on more prosaic history, imagines
that the little son of Louis Tire SIXTEENTH escaped from the
Temple after the guillotining of his parents, was conveyed to
England, settled down in an obscure Suffolk hamlet, married
into village life, and had a son—the Last Hope of Royalist
France. How he was discovered by a legitimist Marquis,
and how he re-visited France, instantly capturing the allegiance
of the Royalists, is told in some stirring chapters. Kid-
napped liy order of the I'HIXCE PHKSIDEXT, his escape from
the French fishing lugger is one of the best io]<l episodes
my Baronite remembers in modern fiction. The adventures
of Loo Barebone are embroidered with a double-edged [ore
story, touching in its progress, tragic in its end.
With Kenihoorth on his bookshelves, he is
a bold man who would sit do\vn to wrile a
novel whose plot centres round Queen Ki.i/v-
nrrii and LEICESTER. Sir GII.HEKT PARKER, as
becomes the Member Tor (iravescnd, is a
bold man, and is undefeated. In A Latlilcr
of Swords (HEINEMANN) he brings both Qi KEN
and lover on the stage. My Baronite does not.
particularly care about LEICESTER, who is ;
papery. EU/ABETH is excellent. Sir G INSERT'S realisation of
the historic character in her imperiousness, her vanity, her
under
„ opening of Hie eleven ih
chapter presents a masterly picture of the (v>i KIA that needs
not shrink from comparison with the work of the great
Master. Another excellent characterisation is that of the
Seigneur of Rozel, a rugged, coarse-mannered, right-hearted
Jersey man, who bears the proud title of Butler to the (,»>
and under picturesque circumstances does his liege lady
service. The book is 'a new departure for the author of Tlie
Right of Way and a dozen other popular novels. Here and
there one fancies it was the work of earlier youth. Like
good wine, it is none the worse for being kept to the last.
little
u tmiKu. ici ju m-r iinjieriousness, uer vanity,
ugliness, her jealousy, her woman's heart beating truc'un
manly mien, is satisfying. The opening of the eleve
It surely must have occurred to the late Mr. .1 UffiS .M M L\I;I;N
COBBAN that he would have a fair chance (if adding to his
success as a novelist by taking up the Tommy Atkins line
in dialogue, and so far enlisting under the Kipling flag.
Inspired, probably, by this idea, he wrote .1 Soldier and a
Gentleman (JOHN LONG), which is a story of adventures
rather roughly sketched than described with anything like
artistic finish. The root of the plot is the close resemblance
in features of two individuals, utter strangers to one another.
The simple-minded reader may probably observe that such a
notion is neither absolutely new nor strikingly original, and
he may remember certain popular stories and sued asful dramas
dealing with a similar complication. In such romances and
melodramas it is not unusual for the hero, who is a victim of
circumstances over which he has no control, to lose his
heart to the very lady with whom, of all others in the world,
he ought not to fall in love. " Do
you follow me, WATSON ? " in-
quires the Baron in Sherlock
Holmes-like fashion. Where-
upon YYvrsox, representing the
unsophisticated novel - reader,
answers, "Ay!" Quoth the
Baron, " That being the case, you
know aforehand what you have
to expect. So take and read this
story, if you will. Yet, blame
not the Baron, should— " But
here comes a break, and the
Baron departs for a drive.
IBB
BARON
DE
K W
EXCEPTIONAL FRANKNESS.- Notices have been posted in cer-
tain carriages on the Mersey Railway :— " Spaces are now
available for transparent advertisements."
FROM A Pnu.ic LIBRARY'S Sro.nESTiox BOOK --"Plesc will
you take the paper cald the lady."
•It'
IN ANOTHER CAPACITY.
Lady Violet. " AND WHERE DO YOU GO WHEN YOC LEAVE HEBE, PROFESSOB ? "
The Professor. " I 'M GOING TO JOIN A SHOOTING PARTY IN NORFOLK."
Ijady V. " INDEED ! I HAD NO IDEA YOC WERE A SPORTSHAN ! "
The Professor. " OH, I 'M NOT A GUN, LADY VIOLET ; I 'M A KNIFE AND FOBK ! '
GILDED HUMOUR.
(" You find the laughter : tee 'II do the rest."—
Chorus of Millionaires.)
" [In Montreal the Primate's party, including
the American millionaire (Mr. PIERPONT MORGAN),
visited a horticultural exhibition held in the
Windsor Hall of that city, and in course of the
inspection of exhibits the following dialogue
was overheard and reported :
" Fine melon that," he (Mr. PIERPONT MORGAN)
remarked, pointing to a remarkably large musk
melon at hand. "Very fine melon. Ate a
melon for breakfast this morning."
" Surely not n whole melon, Air. MonGAN? "
remarked Mrs. DAVIDSON with surprise.
" Oh, not the outside," replied the millionaire
roguishly. " but I do eat one every morning."—
11 estminster Gazette."]
LATER in the day, Mr. PIERPONT MOR-
GAN, whose wit seems to be as inex-
haustible as his resources, delivered
himself of another delicious sally. The
party, 011 its return to the cars, was
regaled with tea. As the hissing urn
»as placed upon the table by a smiling
coloured gentleman, Mr. PIEKPONT MOR-
GAN remarked, "What a life of contrasts
lead ! Boiling water with our tea. iced
water with our lunch." No words could 'he lunched with Mr. ROCKEFELLER at hi-
convey the extraordinarily recherchce sumptuous residence in New York.
diablerie with which his eye glittered as Observing that his host was engaged in
he uttered this memorable mot. personally preparing tin- ,-al:id, "Us
As Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE and a MACLAHEX" asked, "Have you any special
party of friends were being shown over recipe of your own ? " Tin- imj
Bourneville, Mr. CADBURY'S private New face of the great millionaire relaxed fur
Republic in the environs of Birmingham, a moment, and with an c*i>ieijli-i
the genial literary knight was struck by fectly overwhelming in its rich and
| the fact that their cicerone was the only unctuous intensity, he replied. "Y"ii
member of the party who carried no ' may be sure that 7 won't span- the oil."
walking-stick. In reply to an observa- It is stated that Bishop POTTER, of New
tion concerning this solecism, Mr. York, who was also present, broke into
CADnt'RY replied with a look of infinite such uncontrolled convulsions of laughter
drollery, " I prefer a stick of chocolate." that lie has never been quite the same
During a recent visit paid to Skibo man since.
Castle by Archdeacon SINCLAIR, while When the I!ev. .Ti.nv P.M.K H<>rps last
the dignitary and millionaire were crossed the Atlantic, he made a point of
promenading the grounds, the former breakfasting with Mr. JoBH WANAVAKEU.
drew his host's attention to an elegant The genial magnate pressed bis g
building near the ramparts and asked take a second lolled egg. and. when he
what it was. " That," replied the pluto- declined, observed. •• ( Hi, you needn't 1»-
crat, " 18 my new Roman Bath," adding, afraid of it. I never jx>aeh my eggs."
with a move of adorable archness. "I The sauciness which .Mr. \V\v\ \UKII:
take a bath everv morning."
threw into this marvellously witty
When the Rev. .loiiv \Vu-"\ "hv impromptu is said to have hern quite
.M i.Ai.'KN "- was touring in the State- bewitching.
200
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 21, 1904.
SALT OF THE EARTH AND SALT OF THE SEA.
J. — "MEEEI.Y MARY ANN."
THE instant success of Miss ELEA.XOR ROBSON must have
been a severe shock to many enterprising managements.
Not a drum had been heard, not a warning boom ; no flaming
poster had screamed from the hoarding, no preliminary
portrait from the front page of the illustrated weeklies ; no
unctuous interviewer had been invited to come and report on
How I created tlie title-role in "Merely Mary Ann." Her
previous triumphs in America may have given her a certain
quiet confidence ; but, for the rest, she had the modest
courage to dispense, of her own choice, with the stage-
thunder of rolling logs, and leave the judgment of her merits
to the uninstructed intelligence of the house.
Those who assumed that the pait of Mary Ann would be
interpreted in the manner of Miss LOUIE FREEAR were doomed
to disillusion. From her first entrance Miss RoikSON showed
the nicest sense of artistic restraint. Here and there in the
play were hints of low comedy, but in these she had no share.
Her humour and, more important still, her pathos were never
underlined. And so easily did she, in the tedious slang of
the profession, " get her personality over the footlights," that
the audience, immediately in touch with her moods, escaped the
hysterical misunderstandings which occurred in 0, Susannah !
and did not laugh lustily at passages which were designed to
make them weep. This is no reflection on Miss FREEAR'S
methods ; it is rather a tribute to Miss ROBSON'S reserve, and
also to the absence in Mr. ZANGWILL'S work — at least in as far
as this character and the first three Acts are concerned — of
loud extremes.
Possibly Miss ROBSON'S own genius, helped by familiarity
with her role, made her task appear simpler than it was.
Certainly on the first night the part assigned to Mr. AINLEY
as Lancelot, the long-haired unappreciated composer, seemed
vastly more difficult. Following upon the episodic perform-
ances of Mr. WILLIS, as the gay-hearted Irish journalist, and
of Mr. MANSFIELD, as his fellow-lodger, a drunken medical
student (it would seern that inebriation is just now in the
dramatic air like the Musketeers and Nell Gwynnes of a few
seasons ago), and strongly contrasted with the bonhomie and
shallowness of Peter (Mr. GEORGE DU MAURJEH), the exalted
attitude, the romantic appearance, and the rather throaty
enunciation of Mr. AINLEY appeared at first to belong to
another and somewhat stagey order of things. In the charac-
ter of Lancelot, a type with which but few of the audience
could have been conversant in private life, there were many
elements of antipathy that required to be lived down. There
was his egoism, his affected pedantry, his superior aloofness,
his divine and irritating discontent, and the damning fact
that he was partially made in Germany and had a superb
contempt for British tunes and British standards. But Mr.
AINLEY set himself with a brave and very handsome face to
conquer these disabilities and, at the same time, to overcome
a natural prejudice on the part of the audience for seeing
him in mediaeval or other fancy costume.
His earnestness for his art found an admirable foil in the
easy cynicism of his old fellow-student Peter, who had
declined upon commerce in tea, and retained, of all his early
musical promise, only the knack of making popular songs
for drawing-room consumption. The spasmodic earnestness
of Lancelot's passion, which ranked third in importance to
his love of himself and of his art, had also its foil in the
unselfish devotion of the girl, whose bitterest pang at parting
was the thought of his loneliness.
I could have wished, by the way, that her cri du cceur at the
ending of the Third Act had not been addressed to a canary
in a cage. I willingly recognise the dramatic uses of a bird
like that, regarded as a minor dramatic property. It affords
an excuse, and a target, for soliloqiiy ; it delights an audience
by the almost human intelligence with which it takes up its
cue and warbles in the very nick of time ; and it is always a
strong domestic "note." Yet it has its moments of detachment ;
and during one of these it makes a poor recipient of the
larger kinds of confidence. I confess that I liked better the
far less obvious pathos that preceded, and was lost in, this
outburst of grief. As a last favour the girl had asked her
lover to play to her the popular "Goodbye" song, whose
banality, always nauseous to him, had become intolerable by
much whistling. For once he allows his art to give way to
love and pity, and sits down to play the detested air with a
gentleness that only just conquers the physical revolt, while
the girl listens in rapt adoration. In a play remarkable for
its freshness this was the best-inspired touch of all.
Mr. DU MAURIER was admirably himself in his worldly and
more prosaic phases ; but when he was overtaken by
romantic memories of his ambitious student-days I did not
find that he conveyed any very penetrating suggestion of
the musical atmosphere of Leipzig. Miss DWYER'S lodging-
house-keeper was a character-study above the common ; and
I hope that Miss MAUD WYNTER, who played the exiguous part
of one of the Sisters Trippet with much vivacity and discern-
ment, will soon have a better opportunity of proving her
talent.
For three-quarters of its length the play deserves to be
rechristened Merum Sal. But in the Fourth Act we are
introduced to a fresh set of characters in a new world of
stage-convention. Here Mary Ann, having sustained a
windfall of half-a-million sterling, hn turned into Marian,
and lives expensively in a Moattd -. 'nge. In the drawing-
rooms of real life, as I understand, the after-dinner interval
is seldom notable, as with the ruder sex, for its coruscations
of wit; and the conversation at Mead Manor Hall is not
much better for its improbability. Even Miss ROBSON can
hardly cope with her change of milieu, and has become
merely charming in the manner formerly established by
Miss MAUD MILLETT. I can only suppose that Mr. ZANGWILL,
the novelist of invention, had been writing so far to
please his fastidious self, and that in the Fourth Act he is
making contemptuous concessions to what was expected of
him as a playwright. In any case, the existence of this
Finale, like the existence of certain members of our peerage,
is only to be tolerated on the strength of its antecedents.
But they are easily strong enough to assure the deserved
success of the play ; and indeed I almost cherish the hope
that our Actor-Managers, in observing yet another triumph
secured by a profession which from time to time devotes its
hours of relaxation to the by-play of stagecraft, may be
induced to revise their estimate of literature as the " Merely
Mary Ann " of Dramatic Art. Anyhow, we may congratulate
the poor drudging handmaid on coming in for a fortune.
I!.— "THE TEMPEST."
Though I have no less an authority than the Dramatic
Critic of a great Evening Paper for the view that " in no
play bequeathed us by the Bard of Avon are the dramatic
possibilities so great as in The Tempest," I must still believe
that SHAKSPEARE (for he it is to whom reference is made under
this fresh and picturesque designation) produced better stuff
in his time, and that the performance at His Majesty's will do
smaller things for the poet's reputation than for that of his
generous patron. The Tempest proper began at 8.35, and was
over by about 8.40 ; after which a long silent pause ensued
while the sea was being made into dry land. In several other
cases the intervals required for spectacle-shifting were filled
in with dialogue from the original text; and it is just
possible that the actors, struggling bravely against the hurt! ing
of carpentry and the importunity of the incidental music, were
vaguely conscious of their mission as stop-gaps, or, at best,
as a foreground to something of more value than themselve's.
2IIAJUVARI..-SKm:MBKR «\
TOUCHED ON THE KAW-MATERIAL.
JONATHAN. "HELLO! STARTIN' OUT TO GROW COTTON, IS BE? GUESS I MUST HAVE
'CORNERED' HIM ONCE TOO OFTEN!"
[The recurrent shortage in the American cotton crops and the forcing-up of prices by American speculators have produced BO serious
a depression among Lancashire manufacturers and operatives that steps have been taken to secure a Royal Charter for an Association
formed to extend and promote the cultivation of cotton in our Colonies and Protectorates.]
SCENE— Tenants' Ball.
Lady Patricia. " I MDST BEST A LITTLE. I FEEL so TIRED. I '11 GETTING QUITE DANCED OUT."
Gdes Junior (gallantly'). " On, NOT DA.SHED STODT, M'LADY. ONLY PLEASANTLY so ! "
This may explain why Mr. HAVILAOT), in the part of Prospero
was not seen at his best, and Mr. BASIL GILL, as Ferdinand
wed httle of the charm that so distinguished him in The
Varliny of the Gods. It seemed indeed that the Drama,
wearing an unwonted modesty, was, for once, the willin^
servant of another art, in which Messrs. TELBIN, McCtEARY,
JJOUGLAS and HEMSLEY more than vindicated the compliments
lowered upon their craft at the recent dinner given to the
fraternity of scene-painters. Mr. DOUGLAS'S "A Barren
Waste was an exceptionally delicate harmony of subdued
colours.
When one has paid due acknowledgments to the graceful
Miranda of Miss NORAH KERIN, the vinous humours of Mr.
DU.VEET s Stephana, the facile garrulity of Gonzalo (Mr. FISHER
rVHiTE), the delightful antics of a most precocious Cupid
(unnamed in the cast) and the charm and sweet singing of
s VIOLA TREE as the longest and lithest Ariel on record,
remains to say that the one memorable feature of the play
was "merely" Caliban. Even so, I think that Mr. TREE
glit have been yet more effective if his energies had been
fined to dumb show and not dissipated over a deal of
excellent blank verse far beyond the mental range of this
iiaJt-vvitted monster.
Finally, I must urge all loyal friends of Mr. Punch to walk
up and see the animated Pre-historic Peep-show in Protpero't
Cave, if only to remark the poet's gift of intelligent anticij^
tion. And let me warn Drury Lane and its suburban off-
spring to look to their laurels in case, as one may safely
predict, the run of this revival should overlap the season of
legitimate Pantomime. 0. S.
An Application for Indoor Relief.
MRS. wishes to thoroughly recommend her Cook, Hotuekecpcr,
and Husband as Coachman. — Ada. in "Jr'uJt Time*."
There seems to be something worse here than a split infinitive.
FROM "EMPLOYMENT FACTS" IN "HOME CHAT."- "There is
a quick return of profit and a steady income, aa cows yield
their milk for eleven months in the year, and hens for eight
months out of the twelve."
THE winner of Queen Anne's Welter Handicap at Windsor
ast week was Mr. W. F. FOY'S Tariff, by Undecided —
Prime Minister please note.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 21, 1904.
"JEMMY" LOWTHER.
EXTBAOT FROM THE RECESS DlABT OF TOBY, M.P.
THE death of the Member for Thanet,
who forty years ago came to Westminster
viA York, removes from the House of
Commons a notable personality. Famed
in story were the Last of the Mohicans
and the Last of the Barons. " JEMMY "
LOWTHER was the Last of the Tories, who
lived, even flourished, in days when
PALMERSTON was classed as a Liberal.
His very speech bewrayed him. In
this twentieth century, Borough Mem-
bers, catching the SPEAKER'S eye, jump
up and invest debate with the flavour of
a Borough Council or a Vestry. " JEMMY "
LOWTHER brought to the duty of speech-
making a solemnity of manner that
verged on ponderosity. His sentences
were each a miniature sermon. His
utterance of the common phrase, " The
Right Hon. Gentleman," elevated the
tone of the House to cathedral pitch.
With all the solemnity of manner, the
almost reverential woodenness of counten-
ance which ancient tradition required as
appropriate to the function of Parlia-
mentary speech, there lurked round
"JEMMY'S " lips a smile broadly reflected on
the countenance of his audience. Even
when speaking on such sacred themes as
Property or the Church, there was visible
in brief pauses in the slowly uttered
speech a slight protuberance of the cheek
as if the tongue had thither strayed.
In these later days it was most delight-
ful to watch him on his legs by the
corner bench below the Gangway, taking
a fatherly interest in PRINCE ARTHUR. A
ruggedly honest, straightforward man, he
never liked the coalition of the Conser-
vative party with a wing of the Liberals
strongly tainted with Radicalism. He
admitted it was worth the price — the
defeat of GLADSTONE'S Home Ride scheme.
But he did not like the companionship.
A Protectionist from boyhood, he was
not to be drawn within DON JOSE'S per-
sonal circle even when that statesman
began to hammer into the foundations
of Free Trade the wedge of Preferential
Tariffs. He mistrusted the Greeks when
they brought presents.
The exigencies of political strategy
leading DON Jos6 into close alliance with
the Dissentient Liberals, "JEMMY" looked
on the Treasury Bench with unconcealed
distaste. The stars in their courses at
the polling booth fought against him at
critical times. When in 1886 his party
came in for what proved a long term of
office, "JEMMY" found himself without
a seat. When he won one in the Isle of
Thanet it was too late. The loaves and
fishes were divided, the larger proportion,
as "JEMMY" growled, going to the
gentlemen who had come to be known
as Liberal Unionists.
Some men of meaner mould would
have seized the opportunity to turn
against their old political friends. With
his personal popularity, his long-estab-
lished Parliamentary position, DIZZY'S
Chief Secretary for Ireland might have
made things uncomfortable for a hybrid
Ministry. On rare occasions, when cir-
cumstances thrust PRINCE ARTHUR into a
position not consonant with the traditions
of a Conservative Premier, "JEMMY"
was constrained to utter rebuke. But
he spoke more in sorrow than in anger,
his emotion leading him into a rotundity
of phrase that blunted what otherwise
might have been a damagingly sharp
point.
Of late years, feeling less and less
inclined to take part in what he regarded
as political controversy unworthy of old
Parliamentary days, he devoted himself
almost exclusively to the task of de-
nouncing the Standing Order which
forbids Peers of the realm to take part in
Parliamentary elections. His soul, which
hated humbug in any shape, was vexed
by the farce enacted at the opening of
every Session, prohibiting Peers from
indulgence in practices to which some
were notoriously addicted.
One of his annual excursions in this
field is remembered by reason of the
trotting out of what experts regard as
one of the best " bulls " that have had
birth at Westminster. By way of show-
ing how utterly disregarded is the in-
junction of the Standing Order, "JEMMY"
cited the case of the LORD CHANCELLOR,
who had, during the Recess, promi-
nently concerned himself on behalf of
a Conservative candidate at a bye-
election. Sir WILLIAM HART DYKE, who
followed in debate with intention of
pooh-poohing the whole business, was
evidently struck by this example of in-
discretion in high places.
" The Right Hon. Gentleman," he
said, reflectively gazing on the back of
"JEMMY'S" head, on view two benches
below, " has certainly made a telling
point. He has gone to the top of the
tree and has caught a very big fish."
Stricken in health but brave at heart,
"JEMMY" came down at the beginning
of last Session to reproduce his hardy
annual. Old friends who had not seen
him during the Recess were shocked at
the alteration in his appearance. Even
after he had passed his sixtieth year
he retained an appearance of almost
boyish jollity that belied, whilst it added
charm to, the gravity of his ordered
speech. Content with moving to rescind
the Standing Order, he shrank from
challenging a division, doubtful whether
his wrecked frame could stand the stress
of taking part in it.
That was his last appearance on a
scene where, as long as his contem-
poraries live, his memory will be kept
green.
IMPOSSIBLE OPENINGS.
For a Railway Novelette : —
" SPRINGING lightly into the train at
Charing Cross, to reach Cannon Street
was the work of a moment."
For a Society Novel : —
' Then you insist on your revenge ? '
" ' Quoi, certainement,' replied Count
CZARXIKOW, negligently twirling his
glossy moustache.
" ' So be it, then,' rejoined Lord
BULLINGHAM, and, hailing a passing
hansom, he ushered his companion into
the vehicle with his wonted courtesy,
and cried to the driver, ' To the National
Liberal Club ! ' '
For a Sporting Novel : —
"It was a lovely morning on the
Devonshire moors, and ROLAND MONT-
GOiteiiY, negligently reclining in his
butt, awaited the onset of the driven
grouse with his Mauser rifle at half
cock."
For a Theological Romance : —
"The dawn was breaking coldly in
the East ere the vigil of ROBERT CLAVERS
came to an end. All night he had
striven with the spectre of a dead
Calvinism. Child of a new era, deeply
read in the works of the greatest
exponents of the Zeitgeist — RENAN,
SCHOPENHAUER, BENJAMIN KIDD — he yet
felt, stirring in the fibres of his being, the
mysterious sap of an inherited antinomy.
' Save us,' he wrote in his diary, ' from
the dualism of the relative ! ' The works
of ANATOLE FRANCE and FEUERBACH lay
scattered over the floor. Above, on the
study walls, gleamed the calm proud
faces of LUTHER, MAHOMET, CONFUCIUS and
the BUDDH — men who each in his own
way had fought the selfsame struggle,
and ROBERT'S face was turned often to
them as if to interrogate them on their
spiritual vicissitudes. At last he pushed
his hair from his eyes, moved wearily to
the window, and, pulling up the blind,
looked out over the kailyard to the
Eastern sky. A revelation seemed to
come to him with the dawn. ' Predes-
tination,' he cried suddenly, ' Free will —
I see it. 0 si sic omnes.' A great light
shone in his face. In the solemn silence
the bells of the Wee Free Kirk began to
ring for early Service."
EDITORIAL BURGLARS. — According to
the Times, a journalist living at Ted-
dington was burgled on the 27th ult., and
lost several articles, together worth £4.
This sounds less than a penny a line.
GOSSIP FROM THE HALLS. — It is reported
that the Fat Girl of Bethnal Green is
taking the keenest interest in the Lena
incident.
SEPTEMBKK 21, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
I
*
* 2
ii
• i
3
H
-j
MR. BROWN AT BREAKFAST.
HI.— ON WRITING TO THE PAPERS.
So you see, my dear, that KUROPATKIN
has had the wisdom to act precisely as
1 suggested. Now I will just give you
a bird's-eye view of Manchuria, so to
speak, and show you how the Japs wiU
sweep . . . well, then, it akouldn t remind
you of anything of the kind and I do
wish you wouldn't talk about the kitchen
chimney when we are discussing these
important matters. If you would only
read the Daily Wire, as I 've said before
nobody supposed you did take an
interest in them, MARY ; that 's just my
complaint. . . . What do you mean by
saying, "It is indeed"? But even if
you don't take an interest in pohtics-
and I'm aware that it isn't everyone
;i 1 1 < * J- •!-"• ** " !••*» 1
that has the head for them— there are
plenty of other things in the Wire
which you and ETHEL might read. *or
instance, there's a most interesting cor-
respondence going on just now about
'What Mars Marriages"— you might
et some useful warnings out of that,
my love. And all the letters are uncom-
monly well-written and to the point,
i mind you ; nobody without brains can
get printed in the Daily Wire; indeed,
I've often thought of sending them a
letter or two myself. . . . Very well,
then, I shall just read them to you, to
show you how sensible they are.
Let's see what the correspondents
have to say this morning. Here is one
signed by "A Bullied Wife." Makes
| one's blood boil-yes, boil, MARY, to know
that there are such men in the world,
and you may thank your stars that 1 'm
not made on those lines. The next is
by "A Worried Husband." ... Ha!
Perfectly true. He says ... Oh, very
well, I '11 read you the wife's letter, li
| you want to hear it ... the— er— gist o:
her complaints seems to be that her
husband takes no interest in domestic
matters. "He will talk about nothing
except public affairs, of which he knows
i _ A _1 i.V,i., ™ ** *TT-r»ir»V» ic i^ATV
',& lie ptWlillOwM vv *»*»»*J
on with his gibberish about German
imports "... the very thing I was
studying quite lately. . . . "As for our
simple home in Wandsworth . . •
hullo ! Eh ? ..." new curtains wantei
in the drawing-room" ... it is.' So
you are the author of this outrageous
nonsense! MARY, you cast vile asper-
sions on your husband in the publ
press, do you? You fritter away your
hours in reading this gutter publication
instead of attending to your domestic
duties! Oh, perfidious viper that .
have nourished . . . What? Youve
been looking at "A Worried Husband s
letter, and are positive that I wrote it?
... I can't stay to discuss the matter.
There 's only just time to catch the train
. You might as well— er— destroy
today's Daily Wire, my love. There s
—there 's nothing in it worth keeping.
LINES TO AN ABSENT FKIEND
QUEER helpmeet, who so oft hast saved
A thankless comrade from perdition,
So many a toil and peril braved,
Yet never shared his joy's fruition,
From motives I can scarcely guess,
I must regret that now and then
Your conduct causes real distress
absolutely nothing
which is very
different, mark you, from the talk ot an
—ah— exceptionally well-informed man.
Of course if a man knows nothing he
had better say nothing. . . . What comes
next? "Only two days ago, when we
had fish for breakfast that was unfit to
eat" . . . TOM, what are you choking
like that for? Leave the room, Sir,
if you can't behave yourself . . .
but, MARY, this is really a rather remark-
To— quite the kindliest of men.
How oft as valet, porter, clerk,
The simpler tasks 'tis yours to ply
(You brush my hair, I may remark,
Quite as efficiently as I).
Nay, prompt decisions you affect
Sometimes where I should pause and
doubt
(Though often shrewdly I suspect
You scarcely know what you 're about).
Small duties I should find a bore,
I note, you never seem to shirk,
Thus when I ope my bookcase door,
Get out some literary work,
Just lay it down, and stop to think—
What tidy instincts you retain !
Before a man has time to wink _
You take and put it back again !
Last night, in spirit far away,
I bade you pack my Gladstone bag —
I had no notion, till to-day,
That you were such a festive wag.
You don't suppose that I can wear
Odd stockings and a single shoe ?
able coincidence . . . we had bad fish—
at least I think you complained about it
— only a few days ago. Can these
people deal at the same fishmonger's?
..." when we had fish for breakfast
that was unfit to eat, I asked him to call
and complain at the shop on his way to
the !station. A simple request, Mr
White ties are useful, too — but there !
It is no use to swear at you.
Indeed the world will rarely see
(A paradox that sounds absurd)
Such intimate allies as we
Who never yet exchanged a word—
Or I perchance should have to own
(In case you took a captious line)
For if, when all is said, your name
Some curiosity should rouse,
You 're not my first and only flame,
You 're not my fond and faithful spouse,
No mother, brother, servant, friend—
Ah ! no, you simple artless elf,
You are and will be to the end
My only own subconscious self.
A NEW NUANCE.
ACCORDING to the Daily Mirror of
September 16 "Scorched Onion" is
among the latest brown tints for fashion-
able autumn hats and costumes. This
is undeniably graphic, and suggests a
world of possibilities, especially to those
domesticated ladies who are in the habit
of handling this emphatic edible. Is
the hitherto humble onion at last about
to come into its own, and to appear in
various guises, scorched, baked, boiled,
or deodorised, upon feminine head-gear?
Where the nuance leads the way, we
shall soon have the real thing, scent and
all. The very prospect brings tears of
qualified joy to each masculine admirer's
eye. There will be rejoicings, too,
among the adventurous Breton boys who
circulate through our southern sea-port
towns with chapelets d'oignons for sale.
The poetic person who is responsible
for the introduction of this latest novelty
in shades has evidently exhausted the
ordinary tint-creator's gamut, and gone
to Nature or to an East-End eating-
house for inspiration. It is as well to
have it in blunt Anglo-Saxon, as there
are pitfalls in the French, whether
of Paris or Bond Street. As oignon
may mean a bunion or a "turnip"
watch, there might be misunderstand-
ings. We pause breathlessly for further
developments of the modiste's colour-
riot. Fashion does not stand still, and
so an addition may shortly be expected
to the menu in the shape of varying
shades of steak, especially as we note
that the high authority above quoted
states that " coxcomb-red " will also be
the vogue. A diapeau Uftek would
be very appetising. The expression,
"I'll eat my hat," would then be
resuscitated by reckless young women
without fear of perjury, and the "no-
batters " would go empty away. Having
thrown out this suggestion, we beg leave
to retire from the fray. Tint-nomencla-
ture needs a special education, and
common but not garden writer is speedily
lost in its intricacies.
THE crown of King PETER of Servia
is, after all, to be made of bronze and
not of brass. It was felt that the latter
metal would have been unpleasantly
emblematic.
SEPTEMBER 21, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
"LOVE, BEE-YUTIFUL LOVE."
THE NEW REVIEWING.
How LITERATURE TOUCHES LIFE.
Tire retiring authoress of Lave, Bee-
yutiful Love, although prefacing to her
new masterpiece an invocation to the
reviewer, does not permit her publishers
to send out review copies. We are
therefore unable to print a review, but
understanding that there are facts con-
cerning the work the piiblication of
which is not seriously deplored by the
authoress, we have pleasure in putting
several on record.
The Readers of the First Edition,
although of extraordinary size, have
been exhausted. A Second Edition
is, however, in active preparation.
No copies being sent out for review, the
offices of Messrs. M. were besieged
by reviewers on the morning of
publication, waiting to buy copies.
Some had waited on camp stools all
night, sustained only by spirits and
previous works from the same hand.
No fewer than eighty tons of paper were
used for this book.
The rags from which this paper was
made would clothe the Japanese
army.
The extraordinary fortitude displayed by
Miss LOUIE FREEAK'S dramatic com-
pany when weatherbound for thirty-
one hours off the Isle of Man is
explained by the fact that several
copies of Love, Bee-yutiful Love had
been laid in before starting. At
one moment a panic was averted by
the Captain reading portions of the
great love scene from the bridge.
If the copies that have already been sole
were placed end to end in a line
they would reach from Stratford-on-
Avon to the Isle of Man.
If the copies that may yet be sold were
placed end to end in a line they
would extend right round the earth
If the copies of the First and Second
Editions were placed flat, one upon
the other, in the form of a column
its height would exceed that of thi
topmost pinnacle of fame.
Simultaneous translations of Love, Bee
yutiful Love were published in
American, Arabian, Armenian, Pali
llomansch, High Dutch, Low Dutch
Volapuk, Esperanto, Yiddish, anc
Manx. The Manx version wa
" languaged " (to use the author'
word) by Mr. HALL CAINE.
Since Love, Bee-yutiful Love appeared
all the Crowned Heads of Europ
have absolutely refused to attend t<
State affairs. The German EMPERO
is, we understand, engaged in pre
paring an operatic version of th
story, which is to be set to music b
the composer of Hiawatha.
r_
HOPEFUL.
Uncle Mark. "I'M CEETAIS, MAT, THAT BOT or TOUBS is owino TO BE A
Proud Mother. "On, I SHOULD BE 8O GLAD! Bur WET DO »ou
Uncle Mark. "Wai, HE '8 EVIDENTLY GOT WE MAIS QDALIFICATIOI.--
TAKIKa PAIUS!" -^-^==========:
fere with the perusal of the new
classic.
Not a single drawing-room oraUMnl
has been dusted in Balham since
Love, Bee-yutiful Lore appeared.
•U the Athenteum Club, on the evening
of the day on which six copies of
Love, Bee-yutiful Love were de-
livered, three Bishops, a Judp-. a
Field-Marshal, and an R.A. entirely
forgot their dinners, and had to be
supplied with sandwiches in the
library at 11 P.M.
Upon the morning aft«-r pnWkatooa tin-
authoress received 183 offers of
marriage, or 182 in excess
daily avor.ige.
There is nothing like Love, Bee-yutiful
Love in all the belauded works (
the authoress's fellow townsman
SHAKSPEARE.
The failure of General KUBOKI s great
turning movement at Liaoyang m
attributed to the fact that the Japa-
nese commander had received a set
of advance sheets of Love, Bee-
yutiful Love just before going into
battle, and was so engrossed in ti
storv that he could not give u
divided attention to the military
operations. . . ,
The true reason of the cigarette gir
strike in the East End is their
determination to let no duties intoi
208
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 21, 1904.
"PER SALTUM."
Cabby (observing Fare looking at Jus old Screw). "ONE OF THE OLD SORT, HE is. MANY 's THE TIME, AFORE BE TOOK TO CABBIN', Vs
BIN OVER T1IE STICKS, I WARRANT."
Fare. " QUITE BELIEVE IT. HE'S OVER FOUR PRETTY CROOKED ONES NOW."
CHARIVARIA.
IT is announced that the CZAR will
personally say Good-bye to his Baltic
Fleet. This pessimism in high quarters
is considered a bad sign.
There is a report that the VICEROY of
the Far East has resigned. Marshal
OYAMA is mentioned as a likely successor.
A plea has been put forward for the
establishment in this country of special
Police Courts for the Young, as in
America. It is hoped that a sufficient
number of youthful criminals will be
forthcoming to warrant the experiment
being made.
Those who are continually crying out
that the British Drama is in a state of
stagnation have again been made to look
foolish. A REAL PUDDING is now made
in full view of the audience in the
second edition of The Earl and the Girl.
Yet another new penny journal will
shortly be issued. It will, it is announced,
contain " Stories, Articles, Reviews, &c."
This strikes us as a good idea.
The Canadian Minister of Militia states
that arrangements are being made with
the British War Office to exchange Im-
perial officers for Canadian officers. We
understand that the only hitch is caused
by the Canadians insisting on the matter
being carried through on a business basis
— two Imperial officers for one Canadian.
Those who held it to be mistaken
policy to invite the foreign Attaches to
view the landing operations in Essex
will be relieved to hear that such as were
present learnt nothing of any value.
According to Footwear, spats are to
be the correct thing this autumn and
winter. There is even a rumour that,
in order to be in the movement, the
name of His Majesty's Regiment of Foot-
guards will be changed to that of His
Majesty's Spats.
Sir JOHN MADDEN, Chief Justice of
Victoria, who is famous for his prolixity,
recently delivered a j udgment of 105,000
words, the reading of which occupied
him seven hours. Sir JOHN kept awake
during the whole recital.
The burglars who broke into a
publisher's warehouse last week were
captured. They had filled two port-
manteaux with novels, which then proved
too heavy to get away with.
We read in an article entitled " The
most interesting facts about Miss
CORELLI'S new book," that, when all the
lines in the volume have been read, the
reader's eyes will have travelled
" 125,000 miles, five times round the
globe ! " There is a horrible rumour
abroad to the effect that several persons
are only going round once.
PUNCH, OR TIIK ].0\|)0\ ('|i
• -N * "-
ANOTHEK EUINED INDUSTRY.
OTHELLO (Sveelal War Corretpondtnt) —
" FAREWELL THE NEIGHING STEED AND THE SHRILL TRU
PRIDE POMP AN'D CIRCUMSTANCE OF GLORIOUS \V.\1
AND 0 YOU MORTAL ENGINES, WHOSE RUDK THROATS
THE IMMORTAL JOVE'S DREAD CI.AMoniS COCM
FAREWELL ! OTHELLO'S OCCUPATION 'S GONE !
ENCOURAGED by the example of Messrs
R. N. STEPHENS and E. LYALL SWETE in
adding a prologue to Miss Elizabeth's
Prisoner, after that play had enjoyed a
successful run of several months, we
have reason to believe that a similar
instalment-system is shortly to be applied
to other pieces of established reputation.
The following paragraphs are anticipated
from a "Drama of the Day" article
which has not yet appeared in the Daily
Telegraph.
Additional interest was lent last even-
ing to the superb revival of Hamlet, now
occupying the stage of the Upper Tooting
Theatre, by the fact that it was preceded,
for the first time, by a new prologue,
the scene of which is laid at Elsinore
about three months before the commence-
ment of the actual play, and which, as a
medium for the dispky of some excellent
acting, proved greatly to the taste of the
audience. As Hamlet, Sen., reigning
King of Denmark, Mr. JONES fully con-
firmed the good impression he had already
made when confined to the spectral
appearances of that unfortunate monarch.
His delivery of a fine passage, in which
the crime of Gertrude and her accomplice
is foreshadowed, beginning :
" Methonght a spider pricked mine ear last night,
So sharp it ached i' the morning "
reached a high level of dramatic sugges-
ti veness. A further happy inspiration was
the introduction of Yoriek, who, it will be
remembered, is unfortunately deceased
at the date of the tragedy as usually
performed, thus sacrificing some much
needed comic relief. It is pleasant to
record that Mr. D. LENO, as the " fellow
of infinite jest," fully sustained his
reputation for keeping his hearers " on
a roar," and scored last night a pro-
nounced success. It is a fairly safe
prediction that its new prologue will
give the play a fresh lease of life.
We are in a position to state that,
when the latest of London's playhouses
opens its hospitable doors with Macbeth,
first-nighters will be called upon to pro-
nounce judgment on an important
addition to that familiar work. If report
speaks truly the novelty should add
greatly to the interest and value of the
piece, as it promises to elucidate a point
which has hitherto been wrapped in
some obscurity, namely, how it was
that an individual with the tempera-
ment of the timorous Thane came to
marry such a fire-eating spouse. The
diverting comedy episode which depicts
his capture by that strong-minded lady
has been entrusted to the pen of Mr.
HENRY ARTHUR JONES, and the many
admirers of The Manoeuvres of Jain' will
not need to be reminded of the suita-
bility of the choice.
ON EXMOOR.
3etrf (very excited after liig first gaUop with Staghmaub). "Hi, MISTCT, DOX't L*T TM Dodl
[. 'lM, AND I 'LL TAKE THE 'ACNCH AT A 1OB A POOiD ! "
Gent
MAGI
With reference to the forthcoming
production of a play by Mr. HALL CAINE,
which the management of the Theatre
Royal, Drury Lane, announce amongst
their arrangements for next season, we
learn that the author is preparing a
whole series of attachable prologues, by
which, should popular support justify
such a proceeding, the development of
his characters can be traced backwards
to their remote ancestors, ADAM and EVE,
while it incidentally furnishes (in such
episodes as the Fire of London, the Sack
of Rome, and the Deluge) those specta-
cular opportunities of which the directors
of the National Theatre will assuredly
not be slow to take advantage. In order,
however, to confine the action of the
piece within the three hours' traffic of
the stage, arrangements arc' also being
made whereby, as each Micre.v-ive pro-
logue is produced, the last Act of the
current version will Miiiultaneou.sly be
dropped, an innovation in dramatic art
to which the .style of the author is fortu-
nately well adapted. The piece will be
awaited with considerable interest.
Mr. Punch'* Proverbial Philosophy.
A nif.iii.v virtuous woman is a crown
1 to her husband. Uneasy lies the head
that wears a crown.
Be good, sweet maid, and let who can
In- clever: but don't let them be it at
your ex|>c
True nobility i- invulnerable, and still
worth something in the City.
Nothing wounds a feeling mind more
than pr.iise unjustly In-stowed — ou
another.
Mi-lodr.iina may lie out of fashion;
but touch tli>> balance at the bank and
everyone lias Iii- ;de.
212
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 21, 1904.
EVANESCIT!
ASKIGNED by Fortune to a social sphere
Where luxury is not profoundly chronic ;
Where men affect a taste for bottled beer,
And wine is taken merely as a tonic ;
Though early taught that those who spend unduly are
Condemned in time to taste penurious woes,
I still observe, as something quite peculiar,
The fatuous ease with which one's money goes.
Not mine the pampered arrogance that robes
Its fleshly bulk in satin or in sable ;
The licence that habitually probes
The fatted flesh-pots of Egyptian fable.
I do not as a practice hire vehicular
Conveyances, or keep my private car ;
Nor do I favour any one particular
Brand of champagne, or ninepenny cigar.
I have no small but well-appointed niche
Adjoining Piccadilly or St. James's ;
I shun the sports peculiar to the rich,
(Polo the first but costliest of games is).
In short, all tastes correctly deemed luxurious
Are foreign to my unpretentious sphere ;
But still the money goes ! It 's really curious
How fast the lucre seems to disappear.
A summer suit, a new bandana tie,
A hansom (taken to avoid a wetting),
A mild debauch at " Simpson's " or the " Cri,"
A day at Ascot (undefined by betting) ;
A round of golf ; A'ida (from the gallery) ;
A short week-end beside the silver sea —
And lo ! the balance of a quarter's salary
Is vanished like a dream of faerie.
You start the morning with a sovereign, say,
Amd buy some matches going to the station ;
You get your hair cut later in the day,
And eat a cheap though well-deserved collation.
On going home you buy a periodical,
Or get some trifles at the chemist's store,
And then you count your change, if you 're methodical,
And find the total sum is two-and-four.
0 ye whose honorarium (or screw)
Is one of merely moderate dimensions ;
Whose lives are cheered by looking forward to
The ultimate receipt of old-age pensions,
Ye too have noticed how extremely odd it is
That wages stand in an exact inverse
Proportion to the price of those commodities
That day by day deplete the toiler's purse.
Dress-ties, tobacco, papers, postage-stamps,
Umbrellas, soap — the cost of them is grievous,
And yet without them we would be as tramps ;
Our friends would be unwilling to receive us ;
So we proceed to tap our tenuous treasuries
For carnal trinkets of a worthless kind,
And some appear to like it, but the pleasure is
Not too apparent to the reasoning mind.
0 for a land where milky pastures ooze,
Dispersed about with tranquil streams of honey,
Where men can do exactly as they choose,
Nor feel the base necessity of money.
Your pampered peers might languish in their Duk cries,
Were there some isle on whose alhiring soil
A simple life unvexed by thoughts of lucre is
The lot of him who has no taste for toil.
THE WHITE RABBIT.
CHAPTER VIII.
MabaL
" Bunbuttcr, Bunbutter, Bunbittter ! "
It was MABEL'S voice, and she was shouting as she skipped
along the gravel path leading to the White Rabbit's hutch.
She had a juicy lettuce in one hand and a Japanese paper-fan
in the other, and she was going to have a morning talk with
her little furry friend. At her heels trotted Rob, the sedate
and wary guardian of her footsteps, and not very far off the
black-and-white Cat was pacing along in a disengaged sort of
way, as though she didn't really belong to the party, but
had business of her own to attend to somewhere in the
neighbourhood.
The White Rabbit heard his name shouted and his heart
leapt within him for joy. In spite of his dashing words and
all the stories of his gallantry with which he used to regale
Rob and Gamp he was really rather a timid little fellow,
especially in the presence of grown-up ladies. While they
were talking to him he seemed gauche and embarrassed, but
when they had gone his spirits rose and he began to imagine
that he had scored a triumph and secured another victim by
means of his cleverness and his beauty — that, in fact, he was
a devil of a fellow against whom no girl that was ever born
could possibly make any resistance. With MABEL, however,
lie always felt quite differently. To be sure the fact that she
was only ten years old may have had something to do with it,
but it was not altogether that either. There was something
about MABEL that made all animals (and all human beings,
too, for the matter of that) feel joyful and contented. If Rob
had been splashing about on the reedy banks of the river,
and, having got himself well plastered with mud, had then
come in and laid himself down on the drawing-room carpet,
and had been discovered in that sacred room and ignomini-
ously thrashed, he knew that he had only got to find MABEL
and she would forgive him directly and beg him back into
the favour of the offended authorities. So he was her very
faithful and devoted hench-dog, and attended her wherever
she went. As to Gamp, the Cat, she had made a habit of
bringing a first-offering of a kitten from every new family
into MABEL'S room as a proof of her loyal affection, and, when-
ever MABEL called her, she would give a short tremolo purr
and dash off up the stairs or down the stairs or across the
lawn to find her beloved little mistress. So, you see, Bunbutter
was not singular in his love for MABEL.
" Bunbutter," she said reproachfully, as she reached the
hutch, " you really are a naughty rabbit. Oh, it 's not a bit
of good looking so innocent and asking me what you've
done. You know quite well, for I 've told you a thousand
times that I don't like you to scrabble all your hay into one
little corner of your hutch. What would you say if I treated
my mattress like that ? You wouldn't know it, you say, be-
cause you never come into my room ? That doesn't matter ;
mp would know it, wouldn't you, Gamp, and so would Rob,
and they 'd be very severe with me. Now don't you dare to
sulk, BunbiMer. Some day, if you are very, very good, you
shall come into my room. It 's a promise, a faithful solemn
promise, so there. And now, here 's your lunch, Bunbutter
— a beautiful lettuce. Catch," and she threw it into the
butch.
The White Rabbit didn't require much urging : lie'set to
work at once and nibbled away at the crisp leaves asjif his
life depended on it. " I know,'" he thought to himself, " that
she realises well enough that I'm not an ordinary sort of
animal like Rob and Gamp. She wants to try me, of course,
but at least I know I shall be promoted to the front place in
her favour, and then we shall see what we shall see."
" Bunbutter," continued MABEL, "I'm afraid you're a
':
CAUSE FOR CONGRATULATION.
Old Gentleman. "I'M CERTAINLY NOT so DEAF AS PEOPLE MAKE OCT. I DEAE A LITTLE BEE nruxiso QITITE
greedy little Rabbit, too, but of course you can't help that
Still, you mustn't be too greedy, or I shall have to take some
of your lunch away from you."
She shook her golden curls at him and pretended to frown
in a most determined way, but Bunbutter knew it was a joke
and went on nibbling at a furious rate.
"Bunbutter, do you see this fan? What? You dare to
say it 's only a common paper fan ? I tell you it 's a most
beautiful fan, and it once belonged to a Prince. Do you see
the picture on it ? There 's a big old man sitting on a cloud
and he 's pouring water from a garden can on to a young
man and a girl down below. I don't know how he managed
to get there or how he got the can, so it 's no use asking me,
but there he is, yoii see. It makes quite a lovely poem,
'Daddy says, and this is how it goes : —
There 's a funny old fellow lives up in the sky,
Up in the sky, ever so high ;
And he 's pouring a can-full of very cold water
On the green man who married his beautiful daughter.
But the green man has put up his paper umbrella,
And he laughs ' I don't mind you, don't mind you, old fellah.'
There, Bunbutter, that 's poetry. You 're not a poet, I know,
but you 're very pretty, and some day, if you 're good, I shall love
you very much."
When the White Rabbit heard this he was so much over-
come that he actually left his lettuce and hopped to the front
of his hutch, but at that moment somebody called out
"MABEL," and his little mistress shouted " Coming, '\ and
disappeared.
An Arboreal Atavism.
A GARDENER at Hertford has l>een advert ining himself as
" well up in all branches, . . . three years in last situation,
seven years previous." No definite statistics have been kept
of the prehensile endurance of our remote ancestors, but we
should say that seven years on one branch must be somewhere
near the record.
AT a meeting of the Cranleigh Cricket Club, Mr. BBODUCK
'advocated the raising of the stumps one inch to give the
Dowlers a chance." But the enemies of Great Britain must
not rashly conclude that a similar change will be recommended
n the case of our Little Brodricks.
BITTER feeling has often been provoked by a misprint; and
twill be interesting to s*i- \vli.it tlifysayat Chicago when
hey find, in the Manchester Evening Newt, that their chief
ndustrial rival is referred to as Greater New Pork.
214
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 21, 1904.
A LESSON IN GOLF.
won't dare ! " said I.
There is nothing else for it," said
AMANDA sternly. "You know perfectly
to look frightened. " And it is such a
lovely game. You '11 like it immensely ! '
" What do you say it is called ?" asked
Aunt Si SA\NAH in awful tunes.
"Golf," AMANDA repeated meekly; and
well that we must practise every minute for the first time her voice shmk.
of the time, if we expect to have the! " Spell it !" commanded Aunt Susj
\uiit SUSANNAH.
SUSANNAH, however, was in good spirits,
and deeply interested in our clubs.
" What in the world do you want so
many sticks for, child?" she inquired
of AMANTA.
"Oh, they are for — for different sorts
of ground," AMANDA explained feebly
least chance of winning. If she will
come just now — well ! " AMANDA cocked
tier pretty chin in the air, and looked
defiant.
' But — Aunt SusAxrAii! " said I.
' It 's quite time for you to go and
meet her," said AMANDA, cutting short
my remonstrances ; and she rose with
an air of finality.
My wife, within her limitations, is a
very clever woman. She is prompt : she
is resolute : she has the utmost confi-
dence in her own
generalship. Yet,
looking at Aunt
SUSANNAH, as she sat
— gaunt, upright,
and formidable —
beside me in the dog-
cart, I did not believe
even AMANDA capable
of the stupendous
task which she had
undertaken. She
would never dare —
I misjudged her.
Aunt SUSANNAH had
barely sat down —
was, in fact, only
just embarking on
her first scone —
when AMANDA rushed
incontinently in
where I, for one,
should have feared
to tread.
" Dear Aunt SUSAN-
NAH," she said, beam-
ing hospitably, " I 'm
sure you will never
guess how we mean to amuse you while
you are here ! "
"Nothing very formidable, I hope?"
said Aunt SUSANNAH grimly.
" You '11 never, never guess ! " said
AMANDA ; and her manner -was so un-
naturally sprightly that I knew she was
inwardly quaking. " We want to teach
you — what do you think? "
" I think that I 'm a trifle old to learn
AMANDA obeyed, with increasing meek- and she cast an agonised glance at our
driver, who had obviously overheard, and
was chuckling in an offensive manner.
We both looked hastily and furtively
round us when we arrived. We were
early, however, and fortune was kind to
us ; there was no one else there.
"Perhaps you would like to watch
ness.
" Why do you call it ' goff ' if there 's
an ' 1 ' in it ? " asked Aunt SUSANNAH.
"I — I'm afraid I don't know," said
AMANDA faintly.
Aunt SUSANNAH sniffed disparagingly.
She condescended, however, to inquire
into the nature of the game, and AMANDA us a little first, just to see how the game
OUR NURSERY MELODRAMA.
Mildred (aged e'iglit. aside). "AND TO THINK THAT THIS IS THE MAN THAT I HAVE GIVES
tP EVERYTHING FOE! IF IT HAD NOT BEES FOB THE DEAR CHILD, I SHOULD IIAVE GONE AWAY
AND LEFT HIM YEAKS AND YEAIiS AGO ! "
play, not to look on.
Which stick ?"
"Club — they are
called clubs," said
AMANDA.
" Why? " inquired
Aunt SUSANNAH.
" I — I don't know,"
faltered AMANDA. "Do
you, LAURENCE ? "
I did not know,
and said so.
" Then I shall
certainly call them
sticks," said Aunt
SUSANNAH decisively.
" They are not in the
least like clubs."
"ShaUIdriveoff?"
I inquired desperately
of AMANDA.
"Drive off? Where
to? Why are you
going away;
asked
" Then you just try to get a little ball
into a little hole? " inquired my relative.
"In the fewest possible strokes,"
AM\XDA reminded her, gasping.
"And — is that all?" asked Aunt
SUSANNAH.
" Y — yes," said AMANDA.
" Oh ! " said Aunt SUSANNAH.
A game described in cold blood
sounds singularly insignificant. We both
anything new, my dear," said Aunt fell into siidden silence and depression.
SUSANNAH. " Well, it doesn't sound difficult," said
I should have been stricken dumb by Aunt SUSANNAH. " Oh, yes, I '11 come
such a snub. Not so, however, my and play at ball with you if you like, my
courageous wife. dears."
" Well — golf ! " she cried, with over- " Dear Auntie ! " said AMANDA affec-
done cheerfulness. tionately. She did not seem so much
Aunt SUSANNAH started. Recovering , overjoyed at her success, however, as
herself, she eyed us with a stony glare | might have been expected. As for me,
which froze me where I sat. I saw a whole sea of breakers ahead
" There is really nothing else to do in but then I had seen them all the time,
these wilds, you know," AMANDA pursued ' We drove out to the Links next day.
gallantly, though even she was beginning j We were both very silent. Aunt
Aunt SUSANNAH.
" Besides, you can't
go — the carriage is
out of sight."
" The way you begin is called driving
off," I explained laboriously. " Like
this." I drove nervously, because I felt
her eye \ipon me. The ball went some
dozen yards.
" That seems easy enough," said Aunt
SUSANNAH. " Give me a stick, child."
" Not that end — the other end ! " cried
AMANDA, as our relative prepared to make
her stroke with the butt-end.
" Dear me ! Isn't that the handle ? "
she remarked cheerfully ; and she
reversed her club, swung it, and
chopped a large piece out of the links.
"Where is it gone? Where is it gone?"
she exclaimed, looking wildly round.
"It — it isn't gone," said AMANDA ner-
vously, and pointed to the ball still lying
at her feet.
"What an extraordinary thing!'
cried Aunt SUSANNAH ; and she made
another attempt, with a precisely similar
result. "Give me another stick !" she
demanded "Here, _. _^
myself—this one doesn't suit me.
have that flat thing."
I'll
AM AND
But that's a putter,"
explained agonisedly.
"What's a putter? You said jus
now that they were all clubs," said Aun
SUSANNAH, pausing.
" They are all clubs," I explainec
patiently. "But each has a differen
name."
" You don't mean to say you give them
names like a little girl with her dolls ? '
cried Aunt SUSANNAH. " Why, what a
babyish game it is ! " She laughed very
heartily. " At any rate," she continued,
with that determination which some ol
her friends call by another name, " I am
sure that this will be easier to play
with ! ' She grasped the putter, and in
some miraculous way drove the ball to a
considerable distance.
" Oh, splendid ! " cried AMANDA. Her
troubled brow cleared a little, and she
followed suit, with mediocre success.
Aunt SUSANNAH pointed out that her ball
had gone farther than either of ours, and
grasped her putter tenaciously.
"It's a better game than I expected
from your description," she conceded.
" Oh, I daresay I shall get tolike it. I must
comeand practise every day." We glanced
at each other in a silent horror of despair ;
and Aunt SUSANNAH, after a few quite
decent strokes, triumphantly holed out
"What next? "said she.
I hastily arranged her ball on the
second tee : but the luck of golf is pro-
verbially capricious, She swung her
club, and hit nothing. She swung it
again, and hit the ground.
" Why can't I do it ? " she demanded,
turning fiercely upon me.
"You keep losing your feet," 1
explained deferentially.
" Spare me your detestable slang terms,
LAURENCE, at least ! " she cried, turning
on me again like a whirlwind. " If you
think I have lost my temper— which is
absurd ! — you might have the courage to
say so in plain English ! "
" Oh, no, Aunt SUSANNAH ! " I said
' You don't understand —
" Or want to," she snapped. " Of all
silly games
• 1 » ...tu 11,11 Ij II [
track; and Aunt SCSAHKAH, with a ,,,
•md determined count,,,;,,,, e. Wils ,, ,
her
, e. Wils ,, ,
her ball up the bunker, and watching h
roll bac
roll back again.
"Dear Auntie," said AMVXH, in her
Eir-- Uyoa w •'' —
"Is that allowed?" inquired
our
relative suspiciously.
" Oh, you may always do that and
, o a a
tow a stroke ! " I assured her eagerly.
I mean you misunderstood me," ]
pursued, trembling. " Your foot slipped,
and that spoilt your stroke. You should
have nails in your boots, as we have."
"Oh ! " said Aunt SUSANNAH, only half
pacified. But she succeeded in dis-
lodging her ball at last, and driving it
into a bunker. At the same moment,
AMANDA suddenly clutched me by the
arm. "Oh, LAURENCE ! " she said in a
blood-curdling whisper. " What shall
we do ? Here is Colonel BAKTLEMY ! "
The worst had happened. The hottest-
tempered man in the Club, the oldest
member, the best player, the greatest
" I shan't dream of losing a stroke !
said Aunt SUSANNAH, with decision
" I '11 get it out of this ditch by fair
means, if I have to spend all day over it ! "
" Then do you mind waiting one
moment ? " I^said, with the calmness of
despair.
There is a player behind
I was here
us "
" Let him stay behind us !
first," said Aunt SI-HANNAH ;
returned to her bunker.
The Links rose up in
immediately behind us, so
successor could not see us until he had
readied the first hole. I stood with my
ye glued to the spot where he might be
•xpected to appear. I saw, as in a night-
and she
a hillock
that our
'"•"!''"« remark- that would
«'a> inlor. ,„„, |l>ik
l longed for u sudden ;,,,d «-.,.v d.-atl.
Attnemomentwl.enCol
n.l,,,-,,',d
eye*.
'•a|,|«,iredoYerll,e I,.
tH, flushed but line,,!,,,
upforaiuoinenl
Me had seen her. AV-AIHS),,,, her
f'-r myself, | w,,,,|,| ),.,.
shamelessly, if (her,' had !«,.., any
l'»'ked hard at each ,iil,,.r
he began to hurry down ihe slope,
while she rtarted briskly „,, lt
" Miss CADWA.M,,,, '•;;,„! ,|,,., •„]„„,.]_
Colonel BinUMl!" cri.-d Ainu
WANXAH; and they met with ,-ffusio,,
1 saw AMANDA'S eyes open, ami grow
round with amazed interest. 1 knew
perfectly well that she had scent,
bygone love affair, and was already
Manning the most suitable w.-dding-garb
or AuntSi'KANXAii. A frantic hojH-cani,-
o me that in that case the (VI
iffection might prove stronger than his
zeal for golf. They were strolling down
to iis in a leisurely manner, and the
subject of their conversation broke upon
ny astonished oars.
" 1 'm afraid you don't think much of
these Links, after yours," Colonel BAR-
n J-.MY was saying anxiously. " They are
rather new—
"Oh, I've played on manv w
said Aunt BpunUH, looking 'round her
with a critical eye. "Let me see — I
haven't seen you since your victory at
Craigmory. Congratulations ! "
"Approbation from Sir Hi HKKT STAN-
LEY !'' purred the (Vlonel. evidently
much gratified. "You will U- hen- for
the twenty-seventh, I hoi*-?"
"Exactly what 1 came for," said Aunt
SPSANNAU calmly.
" Though I don't know what our lac lies
will say to playing against the Cnmfnrd
Champion ! " chuckled the Colonel ; and
then they condescended to become aware
of our existence. We had never known
before how exceedingly small it is
possible to feel.
" Aunt SUSAXXAH, what am I to say ?
What fools you must think us ! " I mur-
mured miserably to her, when the Col> mel
was out of earshot looking for his ball.
" We are such raw player* ourselves —
and of course we never dreamt —
Aunt StiSAXNAH twinkled at me in a
[riendly manner. "There's an ancient
proverb about eggs and grandmothers,"
ihe remarked cheerfully. " Then- should
)e a modern form for golf-balls and
aunts — hey, LAI'RKXO: ? "
AMANDA did not win the prize brooch ;
)Ut Aunt SISVSVMI did, in spite of an
iverwhelming handicap, and gave it to
ler. She does not often wear it — possibly
Kx-ausc rubies are not l>ecoming to her :
"i" i bly because it& associations are too
.ain fill.
216
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 21, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
IN Double Harness (HUTCHINSON) Mr. ANTHONY HOPE breaks
fresh ground and deals with the stern realities of riven
households. Whether the change be pleasant or other-
wise the reader will judge for himself. My
Baronite has no hesitation in expressing
the opinion that this is the strongest work
the author has yet accomplished. There is
something courageous in the monotony of
misadventure that attends the daily life of the
several households whose roof ANTHONY HOPE
with magic wand uplifts. They are not what is described by
that blessed word Respectable — no, not one. To mention tl i r< •<>
of the leading ladies : one in a fit of passion nearly murders
her child by way of reprisal upon the husband, who consoles
himself with other female society ; number two admits a liaison
with a man from whom her husband, though really annoyed
with her, consents to borrow £15,000 ; number three loves her
husband so passionately that she elopes with another man,
who professes himself in sore need of being comforted. The"
husband stalks the guilty couple, and comes upon them whilst
waiting for subsidence of storm to enable them to reach the
Uncomforted One's yacht. Viewing the situation with well-
bred imperturbability, he invites his wife to come back
with him, threatening as an alternative to go home alone,
where he will first kill their only child and then shoot him-
self. Under this gentle compulsion the wife consents to
retrace her steps, to the undisguised relief of her fellow
sinner, who does not see any prospect of being comforted by
becoming an accessory before the fact to murder and suicide.
Here be promising materials for a homely fireside book.
Mr. HOPE, revelling in their exuberance, plays his
puppets with the ease and skill of the conjurer who
keeps four or six balls tossing in the air with regular
rotation. When ANTHONY HOPE said he would die a bachelor
he never thought he would live to be married, and with-
in the term of two years write a book like Double Har-
ness. Amid his reflections his experienced eye is not likely
to miss the opportunity of making a stirring play out of the
main episode of the novel — the story of Qrantly and Sybella.
There is more than one actor-manager would make a great
hit with Grantly, a masterful character even in the printed
page.
In An Impossible Husband (JoHK LONG) FLORENCE WARDEN
has wasted time and opportunity. Imagine an 'American
Dora Spenlow determined to be fast and flattering herself
upon being fearfully vicious ; give her a physically strong
husband, of a character as ordinary as a David Copperfield,
with just a spice of Mr. Murdstone in his composition ; then
let an ordinary sentimental passion for her
be developed by a long-haired, musically-
artistic adventurer, and there are the familiar
materials of Mrs. WARDEN'S novel. The best
dramatic situation in the story somewhat
reminds the Baron of the riverside hotel
scene in The Liars. " Pity so much clever-
ness should be thrown away on such work by the author of
The House on the Marsh," sighs the Baron; "for, truth to
tell, 'tis a very irritating book."
A Dictionary of the Th-ama (CiiATTO AND WIMIUS) is a guide
to the Plays, Playwrights, Players and Playhouses of the
United Kingdom and of America, from the earliest times to
the present. Its compilation was evidently a labour of love
with Mr. DAVENPORT AHAMS. He brought to it wide informa-
tion and tireless industry. His avowed aim was to provide
the student and ,the general reader with a handy means of
reference to leading facts in the history of the theatre at
home and in the United States. This design is fully
achieved. My Baronite, glancing over the closely-printed
pages, finds information about playhouses and their designers,
plays and the writers thereof, performers and their critics,
scenic and musical illustrators, the aggregate being a com-
prehensive digest of stage literature. Indispensable to all
professionally connected with the stage, the general reader
will find in it abounding interest.
In one of his latest works that has reached its fifth edition,
a clever French novelist of a certain acknowledged eminence
among the freest and easiest of his contemporaries in this
line contrasts the habits and manners of his compatriots,
where strangers and foreigners are concerned, with those of
" le gentleman de Londres ou de Liverpool qui repitgne done
a s'acoquiner avec des inconmts." His summing up is
decidedly in favour of the Londoner or Liverpudlian. But
reserved as either of these types of our English gentry may
be, yet when a stranger, being also a foreigner, shall have
been once properly introduced to him, he, the Londoner or
Liverpiidlian, the type of course of all other Englishmen,
will welcome him with open arms to his clubs and to the
bosom of his family, and will with pleasure give him intro-
ductions wherever they may be serviceable to him. In short,
according to this friendly and evidently very grateful
Frenchman, there would appear to be no limit to the
exercise of this true spirit of hospitality on the part of the
"gentleman" of London or Liverpool. This is delightful.
But is this change of tone a sign of the times, or is it quite
exceptional and peculiar only to this author? He writes,
"Je reviens de Londres. J'our avoir ete introduit dans un club
de Piccadilly, sur la rccommandation d'un peintre, de portraits,
j'ai ete successirement T invite des membres les mieux estimes
dans ce club. Commensal de leurs families j'ai ete heberge
cliez tout leur parentage, lequel m'a fait admettre par les
cousins et amis de sa societe." He then had such a good time
of it with "parties de tennis, de mail coach, de canotage, les
excursiona, les dejeuners aux innombrables cottages, et les
diners pi-ies a West End et a Chelsea," that to obtain a spare
moment for the literary work he had in hand was quite impos-
sible. Then he frankly and boldly
asks, " Quel Anglais, en France,
recevrait un tel accueil dans
noire aristocratie ferm.ee, sauf
aux millionaires, Semites et Fan-
Arcs, dans notre bourgeoisie avare
et qui suppute en grognant ce que
touts la reception d'un vieil ami."
Of course he has a setafT against
this in the shape of " racial de-
fects," but this burst of gener-
osity, the Baron considers, may be
worth recording, and so records
it for what 'it may be worth.
TH£
BAROK
DE
THERE is said to be trouble between Lord KITCHENER and
the Defence Committee. We understand that Lord KITCHENER
wishes to place all the regular troops of India on the frontier
so as to be ready for war, while the Defence Committee
holds that recruits are now so difficult to get that the risk
of their loss in war should not be incurred.
CLASSIC NOTE (from our Special Correspondent, at Ping-
Pong-chukanoutan) — A "PAR" FOR MA. — Was not Goddess
Ceres, alias Demeter, the "Universal Mother?"
Does it not seem that the title is once more revived by the
Chinese in that of " General MA " ?
SEPTEMBER 28, 1904.] PUNCH
THE POLITE PILFERER.
MR. PUNCH, SIR,— If you have an ey
to spare from the other affairs of th
world, will you kindly run it over th
following extract from the Express :
" A boy who wanted apples and stole then
hail an interesting theory propounded for hi
at I'.rontford. 'Why,' said the magistrate
'didn't yon go to the owner and say, "I havi
,-in iilca of getting into your orchard during thi
night. I don't want to do so. I like the loo]
of your apples. Give me two or three ! " Yo-
would probably have been successful. Noi
you will have to pay 5s.' "
I see an opening here for a work I have
long contemplated, "Every Criminal's
Guide to Courtesy," with the sub-title
" Tips for Thieves and Deportment for
Desperados." The book will be made
up of specimen conversations to suit
every occasion. The criminal who buys
the volume need never fear those awkward
pauses which so frequently occur when
one is caught in the act of a burglary or
murder.
I append a sample. We will suppose,
for instance, that a burglar wishes to
abstract some plate from a house. He
enters the owner's bedroom-window and
the following dialogue takes place : —
Burglar. (Coughs.)
Owner. Wha 's matter ?
A' right.
Owner sits
Leave it on the mat.
[Burglar coughs again.
up.
Burglar (insinuatingly). A thousand
apologies, my dear Sir, for having broken
in upon that sleep which, as the poet
happily remarks, knits up the ravelled
ilcave of care. But business is business,
and in these days of hustle and American
competition it behoves a man to be first in
;he field. Thus, knowing that " BLINKY
BILL " SMITH (a professional rival of mine)
las his eye on your plate, I hastened to
call on you before he could do so.
Owner. Help ! Thieves ! Murder !
Burglar. I hate to talk shop, but I
feel it my duty to tell you that this
•evolver is loaded. Shall we allow it to
remain so? Precisely. To proceed,
then. The fame of your plate, my dear
Sir, has rung through London. Every
burglar in the profession is after it.
When I tell you that I have had to bring
myself to enter the bedroom of a perfect
stranger through the window, I need
scarcely add further evidence of my
eagerness to possess the treasure I have
mentioned. You can spare a little of it ?
A silver spoon? A fork, perhaps ? A
salver, maybe ? Come, this is niggardly,
my dear Sir. I need it far more than
you. To you it is a luxury. To me it
is a necessity. I have my living to earn.
How do you suppose I could keep my
wife in the style to which she has been
accustomed, if everybody were as unrea-
sonable as you ? Now, some people keep
their plate-basket under the — No?
"A SOFT ANSWER" &C.
Mrs. Busybody. " GOOD-BYE, DEAR MRS. WINSOJC. BEFORE I oo, I THINK IT is mr WTT TO
TELI, YOU THAT YOUR HlTSBAND WAS SEEN IN A VERY QUESTIONABLE PLACE OF ENTERTAIVMfM M-l
'lonr."
Mrs. Winsom. "REALLY! SORRY TO HEAR THAT! I SITPOSE THAT is WHERE THEY WOT
VUEN YOUR HUSBAND CALLED FOR HIM ! "
n the chest of drawers? Foiled again.
Vow, my very dear Sir, ioking apart,
where is it? Did I mention that this
evolver was loaded? Thank you.
?hank you. Under the dressing-table?
A. thousand thanks. May I trouble you
Q make a small selection for me and put
t up in a neat parcel? One million
hanks. Good-night, Sir, good-night,
good-night. [Exit through icindow.
This is but one specimen. The rest
f the book will be of equal merit, for 1
hall spare no pains. If after next
mblishing season there remains one
riminal who is not the Perfect Gentle-
lan, it will be because he is too impe-
unious or too stingy to spend two and
ixpence (net) on the work prepared for
is benefit by
Yours, &c.,
HEM:Y
The White Slave Traffic once more.
A HERTFORD lady adverti-es "APART-
MENTS TO LET, also Two Young
men Ixwders, terms moderate."
IT is reported that, in view of the
success of the Daily Mirror Fete at the
Crystal Palace, the Management lia-
arranged with the Proprietors of that
Journal to repeat daily, during the
autumn season, their remarkable enter-
tainment known as "Circling the Circu-
lation."
IT ,is officially announced that, until
further noticr." the Russian Hnltic
Squadron will continue to sail to the
Far East thrice weekly, \\.-.ither
itlier ciri-iiinstauces pennitting.
ami
2JS
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 2», 1901.
A SURPLUS STOCK OF OLD CARTRIDGES.
(/{,•;»;; « pfotrxt politely offered to Lord Roxtbery.)
WHILE the Earth a little slumbers
Ere she dons her daedal dress,
And the coloured Christmas Numbers
Seize the hour to go to Press ;
While, as on the nut of NEWTON,
Still the mellowing apples fall,
And the fiscalites of Luton
liaise aloft their ducal hall
To accommodate the myriads who will come at JOSEPH s call ; -
"While the last of lingering wopses
Whets his devastating foil,
And alone the ampelopsis,
Kirst of Autumn's leafy spoil.
Wears the nuance of the Pink 'Un,
Like a chaste and conscious bride —
Must you needs have gone to Lincoln
And disturbed the country-side,
Ere the harvest-moon was rounded and the roses all had died ''.
While the matutinal horseman
Tracks ah'eld the furtive cub,
And the hardier kind of Norseman
In the open takes his tub ;
While on wood and wold and champaign
Lingers yet the Summer's spell —
Were you bound to start the campaign
Kre the proper season fell,
W lien t lie middle of November would have suited just as well ''.
While the bird whose earthly cycle
Closes with the quarter's bills
Mocked the menace of St. Michael,
Plumed her undefeated quills ;
While at large -the lordly pheasant
Moved about his bosky maze,
Would you go and wing the peasant
In liis dykes and water-ways
Long before the other sportsmen set the big preserves ablaze ''.
Seething in your cerebellum
Was there some prophetic word,
Something really new to tell 'em,
Something not to be deferred ?
Did you want to warn the nation
Where the Moorish peril lurks,
Or that Radical salvation
Comes by faith, in lieu of works,
Or that England's hope (and Lincoln's) rests upon the local
PERKS ?
No ! We caught the old old wheezes
Worn by custom, conned by rote,
Which lament the State's diseases
And suppress the antidote ;
We had looked to see you pendent
Like a god inside his car,
Clothed with promise and resplendent
As a newly-furbished star,
And you never even told us who the Liberal Leadens are!
No, my Lord! by your permission
Let me put the case in short :
Yours was last year's ammunition,
Only good for groundling sport ;
And it seems a growing habit
Not to go for higher game,
But to plug the obvious rabbit
And prefer it fat and tame,
All to spare a little effort in the art of taking aim. 0. S.
QUID PRO QUO!
(He'mg the remarkable experience of an Art Collector.)
IT was the afternoon of my arrival at Dornstadt — how many
days ago, I really forget. I only intended to stay a night
there, on my way to take the waters at Bad Schoppenegg —
but I am still at Domstadt. Why, will appear later on. 1 was
.trolling through one of the narrow and winding thorough-
fares of this ancient city , which (though I am beginning to know
it fairly well by this time) I had never visited before, when I
chanced to see a small antiquity shop. I went in, of course.
No bric-a-brac hunter ever can resist entering an Antiquity
Shop. It is not an expensive amusement: you go in, and
potter about for a few minutes, asking the prices of various
objects you have no intention of purchasing. Then you say
"Adieu" or " Guten Tag" politely, and walk out. The
proprietor is perfectly contented he never expects any other
result. After all, it is the way in which he makes his living.
So I walked in. It was quite the usual sort of shop, with
the usual bald, bearded, and spectacled proprietor inside it.
Simply to play the game, I asked the price of something
which I should have been sorry to take as a gift. He
said it was twenty marks, and, having satisfied my curiosity,
1 was preparing to go — when, rather to cover my retreat than
with any genuine desire for information, I asked if he had
any really old pieces of stained glass. He said liu had one in
the back shop, if I would care to see it, and I said 1 would.
He was so evidently shy about showing it that 1 felt con-
vinced it would turn out to be some amusingly audacious
fake." I followed him into his back parlour, disregarding
his entreaties that I should stay when' I was, and then lie
reluctantly fished out a panel in a wooden frame, which lie
handed me with a grunt.
The first sight of it almost took away my breath. Old
stained glass has a peculiar fascination for me, and this was
absolutely as fine an example as I ever remember having seen
of sixteenth-century Swiss work — heraldic in character, bold
in design, and rich in colouring. I examined it carefully.
1 happen to have some knowledge of glass, and I could
discover no new pieces — it was in perfect condition, with
scarcely a crack. "How much do you want for this V " I said,
with the sad foreknowledge that the lowest sum lie was likely
to ask would be far beyond my limited means, lie was silent
for a moment, as if he were speculating how much I could
stand, and then he said "Twendy mark."
Considering that this particular panel would easily fetch
£150, if not more, in any saleroom, 1 did not think a sovereign
was at all out of the way for it. "I'll have that panel." 1
said, with all the calm I could command, and he said, " Very
well," and seemed anxious to get me back into the front shop
again.
But I had begun to look about me, and I speedily
discovered that this back shop contained a variety of objects
of sufficient beauty and rarity to delight the heart of any
connoisseur. There was a Limoges enamel )>l<it[tic, l'< >r instance,
by the younger PKNICM i>, which was almost priceless ; a
boxwood medallion, about the size of a draught, with a
carved and painted relief of a female in a Holbein headdress,
similar, though far superior, to one 1 had been offered at
Frankfort for sixty pounds; an engraved goblet of rock
crystal; a tiny fifteenth-century group (Herman, I think) of
St. Hubert and the miraculous stag, exquisitely carved in
pearwood ; a small ivory cabinet, inlaid with lapis lazuli ;
and a seventeenth-century portrait in coloured wax with
miniature jewellery, which was equal to the best specimens
of the kind in the Wallace Collection.
And not a single one of all these things could by any
possibility be other than genuine ; no person with the
slightest experience and judgment could have doubted that
for a moment !
g
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(to yonny SnMey, wllu IUM ,jut on hi* new " Top.," and MM, to tahl //,, »»,,/ „/,/„„,). «Now raEX
TUBK1NO IN YOl'B FEET, AND LETTING UB GO 131 ?
Iol
I inquired the price of each, and I invariably got the same
answer—" Twendy mark." I bought them all. I felt it was
wiUS piece °f extravagance under the circumstances.
When one does come across a dealer whose prices are so
extremely reasonable, he deserves to be encouraged. I
scorned to haggle or beat him down— and vet. although in
I did not follow him as periWtly as 1 could wish l.ut 1
gathered that, either as a peiiance for something he had done,
or in gratitude for some danger he had escaped, he had niiid<>
a solemn vow that, between sunrise and sunset on a certain
anniversary, he would ask no more than twenty nun i.
intrinsic
an time 1 was there 1 must have laid out at least as I had happened to look in on that particular dav- that
much as fatty pounds (which was considerably more than I : was all.
the briskness
suppressed it.
anticipated when I first went in), if he felt any gratification at
of the business he was doing, he certainly
And I must confess that, without pretending to any higher
code of ethics than my brother collectors, I was not wholly
free from misgivings. Why was he selling these things so
much under ordinary trade prices ? He must know their
value— and if he did not, it was not my business to teach
him— I couldn't be buyer and seller, too ! But had he some
pressing reason for wanting to get rid of them at any cost ?
They hadn't the sinister look of objects to which a curse was
attached— and even in that case I thought I would risk it.
But suppose they were stolen goods— should I not be exposing
myself to rather awkward consequences? Might not my
proceedings be capable of misconstruction ?
My expression must have betrayed something of my mental
state, for this paragon of dealers hastened to reassure me.
"Don't be sorry," he said (meaning, I think, "Don't be
uneasy "). " I haf not robbered dese tings. I led you haf dem
so cheap, begause— ach, I gannot dell it to you in English "
and he proceeded to explain in his own tongue.
I now began to understand his desire to keep me in the
front shop, where the rubbish was.
While applauding his piety, I felt (for even a collector may
have a conscience) that I oughtn't to take too great an advaii-
tage of it.
"Perhaps," I said, "I could manage to do without one or
two of the things."
I felt it would be a hard matter to decide which. But lie
said a vow was a vow, and he must hold himself Ixmnd by
it; though he considered it lucky that I had not looked in
till the sun was so near setting.
I never interfere between a man and his c»iincienee, so I
let him have hie way. It (inly remained to pay, and it was
a convenience to me when he said he would take a cheque
for to part with fifty pounds in hard cash would have ni
me to remain at Domstadt till I could obtain fresh sii|
That being settled, T left .him to pack up my purchases,
while, in a state of excitement and exultation that will
perhaps be only comprehensible to a fellow-t-ouWtor. I
hurried back to my hotel to get out my cheque-book. 1 tore
out a cheque without waiting to fill it in- indeed I did net
222
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 28, 190 J.
yet know to whom to make it payable, but 1 should soon fin<
that out from the man himself.
1 had 110 difficulty in regaining the little street- but \vha
rather pu/.xled me was that there didn't seem to be ani
antiquity shop in it. The trade was entirely restricted tc
boots, sausages, and pictorial post-cards. Evidently, since
antiquity shops are not in the habit of disappearing in so
abrupt a manner, I must have struck the wrong street — the
right one could not be very far off.
And eventually, after a few failures, I found it, to mj
unspeakable relief. There was the board with "Antiquitaten '
painted on it in red letters, and there was the stout, bald
bearded and spectacled proprietor inside. I entered and tolc
him, laughingly, that I had begun to fear he had vanished
He appeared puzzled. 1 produced my cheque ; and he
imagined (or affected to imagine) that I was asking him tr
cash it. I have such a wretched memory for faces that ]
could not be positive he was my man. If he was, he
pretended to have no recollection whatever of any business
transaction between us. He allowed me to look into his
back-parlour, and I am bound to say it contained no treasure.'
of any sort, packed or unpacked.
At last I staggered out, feeling that I must have made a
mistake. The real shop must be farther from my hotel than
I had fancied — but I was bound to come upon it sooner or
later. The annoying thing was that I had absolutely nothing
to identify it by. I had scarcely glanced at the window—
and, if I had, I have never practised memorising the contents
of shop windows, as HOUDIN did. I only wish I had. It had
the kind of articles in it that most antiquity shops do exhibit
—that was all I knew. I did not know the name of .the
street (does anyone ever look at the name of any street he is
strolling through ?— I don't)— it might be a " strasse," or a
"gasse," or a "giisschen," or even " unter "-something, or
"am "-something else, for anything I could tell. After a
time I completely lost my bearings, and began to feel really
worried. . . . Still I persevered. 1 went into one Antiquitaten
shop after another— and every proprietor looked more like
the man I wanted than the last— but I never could convince
him that he was. Our interviews began by being ridiculous,
and ended in scenes that almost approached violence.
Not till long past my dinner-hour, when every curiosity
dealer in Domstadt had put his shutters up, did I crawl back
10 my hotel, more dead than alive. But I was not going to
be beaten. I got a Domstadt directory, made out a complete
:ist of every AltertJiiimersliandlung in the city, and marked
them down with red crosses on a big map, and early next
morning I began all over again. I worked through most of
those establishments, likely or not, more than once. Some
of the dealers were unknown at their registered addresses,
some of their addresses did not seem to exist at all— but,'
whether I found them in or not, it was all the same— they were
unanimous in repudiating all knowledge of me and my
purchases. In fact, they ended by threatening to have me
taken off to the Polizeiwaclie, if I would not go away
^V'So I gave up calling on them at last. But I am
till at Domstadt. I haven't abandoned all hope, even yet.
There may still be a street somewhere in the city which I
haven't searched— though I doubt it. I have also inserted
guarded advertisements in the local papers, implorin^ my
lealer to communicate with me. So far as I can remember,
le hardly gave me the impression of a man who was likely
o take in Punch— but if this should meet his eye, he can
>ave his money the moment he delivers the goods to me at
the Hotel Domhof, No. 707. I feel quite sure there has
nerely been some unfortunate misunderstanding. Mean-
while, 1 warn all rival collectors that if they should purchase
any of the articles above described they will do so at their
peril. Morally, if not legally, they are mine— and I intend
o have them.
AN INSURANCE POLICY.
MY dear and only love, before
The very solemn hour arrives
When we must join for evermore
Our tastes, our tempers, and our lives,
Let us insure a constant flow
Of rapture at its highest pitch
By settling down, through weal or won,
To win the Dunmow Flitch.
Let that romantic trophy be
A shining beacon and a star
To keep us going strong, and free
From all demoralising jar,
And with benign, effulgent ray,
Set clear our cordial intent
From clouds on either side — we '11 sav,
On yours, for argument.
If ever, through the coming year,
You feel a mood of dull distress,
The cause whereof may not appear
(Maybe the cook, or cussedness) ;
If there should come the moment when
You seem to lose your self-control,
And counting slowly up to ten
Fails to relieve your soul ;
If you should feel insanely prone
To controversial debate
Till reason totters on her throne
From pure desire to aggravate ;
If you would madly say, you iciU,
Merely because I hope you icon't,
Pear, though it almost makes you ill,
Think of the Flitch, and don't.
Think of the prize which none can win
Save they can take their solemn oath
(And stick to it through thick and thin)
That, from the hour that sealed their troth,
Their life has passed serenely liy
Without a pang in either heart —
A word disqualifies ; a sigh
Upsets the apple-cart.
Let never discord pass our doors,
Nor temper mar our perfect bliss
By fault of mine — or, maybe, yours
(Yours, darling, by hypothesis !)
Let the bright Flitch dissolve your heat,
And keep you, by our early vow,
Always as nice as — oh, my sweet,
As nice as you are now.
So shall our days be wholly fair ;
And, when the year is safely through,
Down we will go to Dunmow 's Mayor,
And take our oaths till all is blue ;
Then will our praise be fitly psalmed
By men and maidens, far and nigh,
And we will have the Flitch embalmed,
To witness if we lie. Di'M-Di'M.
Enthusiastic Motorist (to Perfect >>'//•</ m/cr). / swear by
petrol, Sir; always use it myself. Now what, may I ask, do
Perfect Stranger. Oats !
lou use ?
WE understand that Messrs. ADOLF BECK and G. II. Siii3
re preparing a stac-e vprsicm nf Tl,a KV,™ .<><.? r „,
SEFI-EMBKR 28, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
224
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.
[SEPTEMBER 28, 1904.
THE WHITE RABBIT.
CHAPTER IX.
Tlic Boredom of R«b.
'• THIS going away to the seaside is a mistake," said Bob
one August evening t" the Cat. "What's the use of it?
Thev all lose their tempers over their packing before they
start, and they don't seem to have recovered them when they
i*et back. And besides, what do they do there? I ve hear.
Them talk about sea-bathing and that sort of thing, but 1
can't think it 'a much of a game. Anyhow, they never take
me— just leave me to bore myself to death here."
" Thanks," >aid the ( 'at. " I 'm much obliged for the com-
pliment. Your politeness is extraordinary."
" My dear Gump." protested Rob, " you really mustu t take
everything as personal to yourself. I assure you I wasn't
thinking of vou at all."
" Thanks again," said the Cat, " Oh, pray go on. Don t
mind me."
" Hang it all. Gamp," said Rob, fairly losing his temper,
"you are most unreasonable. You know perfectly well that
vour society is about the only alleviation I have. It's even
more charming when the family is away than it is at other
times, and that's saying a good deal.''
The Cat was mollified. " I think I know what you mean.
I sometimes feel it myself, though, of course, I have resources
within me which are not within the reach of everybody."
"You have." said Rob, anxkms to repair his failure in tact,
" you certainly have. Many 's the time I 've looked at you
making circles after your own tail or scampering after leaves
or bits of paper, and envied you."
" I was not alluding," said the Cat coldly, " to these slight
relaxations in which I confess I occasionally indulge, but
rather to those internal resources which are — ahem — the
result of a good education and a wide experience of affairs.
I 'm never bored, my poor Rob ; I 'm not bored nou; strange
as it may appear."
She blinked blandly, but not without malice, at her com-
panion.
" Look here, Gamp," said he. " I 'm tired of talking rot."
"I hoped you would be, sooner or later," put in the Cat.
" I vote," he continued, " we look up young Bunbutter, and
make him tell us a story."
The Cat acquiesced, and they proceeded together to the
Rabbit's hutch. They found him in a morose and most un-
rabbity temper. He too was suffering from the absence of
the family, and was not at all inclined to be silent about his
grievances. The Cat felt there was need of all her savoir
laire. She motioned Rob to be silent, and herself began the
conversation : —
" Your Royal Highness," she said.
The Rabbit dropped a dry cabbage leaf on which he was
pretending to feed, loped to the front of the hutch, and
actually smirked.
"Your Royal Highness," she proceeded, "will no doubt
agree with us when we observe that we are meeting with
but small consideration at the hands of those whose duty it is
to protect our interests.'
" My sentiments to a T," said the Rabbit sharply. " Here
am I left to myself day after day. SYBIL 's gone, MABEL 's
gone, and only a coarse and unsympathetic gardener is left to
look after me. I detest gardeners."
" Hear, hear ! " said the Cat and Rob very heartily.
'• I shall die," continued the Rabbit, " I know I shall ; and
then they '11 realise what they 've lost ; but it will be too late
then."
" And serve them right too," said the Cat. ''If you die I
shall die too."
"You're too fat," said the Cat,
"I may be," said Rob, "but I'm not going to die just
bet'ore the partridge season begins not much; and as for
being fat
"That'll do. Rob," said the Cat. "you forget we were
going to ask H.R.H. to relieve our tedium with a story."
" Yes." said Rob, "give us one of your best, something
about the old days at the Court of Sablonia."
The Rabbit was obviously pleased, but he pretended to be
reluctant, and scratched his head with his hind-foot. " You
take me rather suddenly," he said. "and. besides, you revive
my sorrow, my unspeakable sorrow, when you bid me dis-
course to you about the days of my glory now vanished, as it
seems, for ever. Still, you mean kindly, and it shall never
be said that the Prince of Sablonia was deaf to a polite
request, even when it was urged by persons of humble
station."
• He's fairly off now," whispered Rob.
" Hush ! " said the Cat, "or you'll spoil everything."
"I will relate to you." said the Rabbit in a pompous voice,
"the moving tale of my adventure with the Duchess of
BABDOSIA."
" What 's a Duchess ? " asked Rob.
" A Duchess, my good friend, is a lady of the highest rank
next to a Princess."
" Good lord ! " said Rob. " I thought it was something to
eat."
"Rob," said the Cat. "you'll pardon me for saying that
you 're a fool."
But at this moment a step was heard crunching on the
gravel path.
"There!" said the Rabbit. "I knew it. It's the gar-
dener. I can't tell the story when he 's about, Come back
to-morrow morning, and I '11 begin."
" He '11 lie awake all to-night inventing it," said the Cat,
as she and Rob moved off together.
MR. BROWN AT BREAKFAST.
TV.— Ox ATHLETIOB.
So you 're going back to school to-day, TOM. are you ? Well .
you can't say that you've not had long enough holidays thix
time. And at the end of the term I hope you '11 have a prize
or some sort of distinction to show .... good chance of
getting your what? Your cap? Why, of course you will,
and your tall hat, too— absurd nonsense for a boy of your age,
I call it, but all necessary articles of clothing required by the
school rules I'm most careful to— what 's that you say ? Ah,
they give it to you, do they? A sort of prize, I take it. like
the laurel-wreath they used to give the ancient- er — Trojans.
And for what do you hope to earn this distinction? Well, it
won't be if you go on eating jam like that. But I never
heard before of a prize given for a good digestion ....
Eh? then perhaps you '11 have the goodness to explain what
you mean by " inside right," instead of grinning like an owl
.... And that 's what you call a prize— to be chosen to
play in a miserable game of football ! This modern craze for
athletics is simply the curse of the age .... I play it by
doctor's orders. Sir, and golf is an entirely different thing.
Never have 1 given anyone the right to include me among
your "muddy elves." as Mr. KIPLIXG calls them. There have
been several letters in the papers lately, showing plainly the
degrading effects of football. Thousands of loafers congre-
gate, I'm told, to see young men. who ought to he shooting
air-guns for the good of their country, kick a wretched football
over a bar .... why not? .... call it "soccer" or what-
ever other silly name you like, you said just now it was foot-
ball .... ah. a paltry quibble, as I thought. Just let
.... yes, this is the part applying to
you : "a rabble of schoolboys, eacli
striving with brutalised vigour against
his fellows" .... very likely, as you
say, you wouldn't win a foreign match
in that way, but I'm talking about
England .... but T thought that was
a grown-up men's club. You don't mean
to say you play them f . . . . Beat 'em to
imithereent last year? .... Tell us
about it .... Did he? . . . . Splendid,
by gad! .... three seconds before
time, was it? .... Capital, capit—
ahem. Ahem. You must not think
that I approve of football, TOM. Far
from it. Quite far from it .... Wei],
I must be off to town, so goodbye'
my boy .... and you might just let
me know the date of that match. I shall
run down to see you in the course of the
term, and that day might suit as well as
another .... and, TOM .... there 'a
what you call . . . . er, a " quid " wait-
ing for you if you get made a .... a
right inside. You needn't mention it to
your mother. Good-bye.
CHARIVARIA.
BOTH the Russians and the Japanese
have given promises that no fighting
shall take place at the Royal tombs at
Mukden. The Chinese Government [is
stated to have furnished each belligerent
in return, with a list of alternative sites
for battles.
Mr. BALFoni has gallantly helped to
save some boys from drowning at
Craigielaw. It will be interesting to
see what the Liberal counter-stroke to
this will be. It is rumoured that Sir
HENKY CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN has been
seen intently watching the bathers at
Brighton.
It is announced that there is every
prospect of this being a plentiful cham-
pagne year. This is gratifying news
for lovers of gooseberry wine, who have
lately had to pay enhanced prices for
their favourite drink.
A correspondent to the Expi-ess asks
that the monkeys at the Zoo shall wear
clothing. The writer of the letter has
to be dressed. Why not the monkeys?
The City Corporation now issues cer-
tificates of excellence to such restaurants
as comply with certain sanitary require-
ments, and it is said that one eating-
house, anxious to qualify for the diploma,
is advertising a sale of old chops and
steaks at ridiculous prices for immediate
flea ranee.
The Trades Unions have pronounced
against the premium bonus system as
pernicious and degrading, and calculated
'THE PETTY DONE, THE UNDONE VAST."
Wife (quoting). " A MAN'S WOBK 's FINISHED WITH THE BETTWO 8i~x ;
A WOMAN'S WORK is NEVER DONE."
Husband (brute). " QUITE RIGHT, MY DEAR. I YE OFTEN REMARKED THE OMIMO*.'
to place the British Workman on the
same level as the Dirty Foreigner who
filches the contracts from him.
Messrs. PUTNAM have published .1
Defence of Bridge. MACAU,U. it will be
remembered, dealt with a similar subject
in the Lay of Ancient Home referring to
one HORATIUS COCLES.
The iron discipline of the German
Army shows no signs of relaxing. In t he
recent manoeuvres, whichever side the
EMPEROR commanded was invariably
uccessful.
For cool impertinence, commend >
he Chinese Government. It is stated
that ini>si<ms are to be sent in St. Peters-
burg and Tokio to ask for Manchuria !
Mr. Punch's Proverbial Philosophy.
TRITH is more nf a stranger than
fiction. Mam
White lies nuiy lw dmBBBg when
they are new, but they M> m gi-t black
in London.
A friend's frmvn is !>ettiT than a fool's
smile, but the friend is often a fool:
then where are you?
Very Frank and Accommodating.
/COUNTRY Rector's son desiret EMPI»V-
*J MKXT; just left public school; food of
outdoor life and work (but this not essential).
Adct. in " Fi'rW."
226
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 28, 1904.
GUILDERSTEIN IN THE HIGHLANDS.
Guilderstein. " MISSED AGAIN ! AND DAT FELLOW, HOGOENHEIMEB, COMIN' ON MONDAY, TOO ! WHY DTD NOT I WISE TO LEADENIULL FOR
AN 'AITICH, AS BETTY TOLD ME ! "
TO THE MEMORY OF CHLOE.
[CHLOE, the young gorilla, late of the Zoo,
has fallen a victim to our inhospitable climate.
Readers will remember that her companion,
VENUS, died only a few weeks ago.]
DEAR CHLOE, when I muse apart
On my delight in thee,
Twas not thy looks that won my heart,
Thy matchless symmetrie ;
These earned the just acclaims of Art,
But they were nought to me.
Perchance the rude exterior rind
Retained the public eye ;
Such antics as the monkey kind
Consistently supply ;
For ine the beauties of the mind
Alone could signify.
To me thy small pathetic face,
Thy meditative air,
Revealed a soul replete with grace
And innocently fair ;
And ah ! methinks I marked a trace
Of prescient sorrow there !
And thou art dead ! and gone, alas,
Where good gorillas go ;
Fate (which removed young LYCIDAS)
Has likewise laid thee low :
He must possess a heart of brass
Who does not feel the blow.
Thee too disease's fatal scourge
Enveloped like a flame,
And I, who once had hoped to urge
Thy private claims to fame,
Now pen a melancholy dirge
Beneath thy luckless name.
Farewell, poor beast ! no more thou 'It
win
The popular applause
By snatching bonnets placed within
The reach of agile paws,
And making off amid the din
Of underbred guffaws.
No more the errant flea thou 'It seek
Amid the alien fur,
Or pouch within the ample cheek
Such foodstuffs as occur,
Or grab at some young babe and tweak
The nose of him (or her).
Thee matrons shall no more insult
With hard umbrella ends ;
No more shall thy dear face exult
In nuts of various blends,
As once, before the sixteenth ult.
Dawned on thy stricken friends.
For thou hast sought the shadow land
Where no chill airs assail ;
Dost gambol with a brother-band
About some ghostly vale ;
And VENDS holds thee by the hand ;
(She cannot hold thy tail !)
And thou, like others of thy race,
Dost sadly question why
Thy captors haled thee to a place
Where thou wast doomed to die ;
And thou dost deem their conduct base,
And, CHME, so do I !
THE coming theatrical season at Harbin
is expected to be a brilliant success.
Meanwhile, the Russians are rather tired
of playing K'noKi.
THE THAXET ELECTION. — To those in
doubt, vide ?-e-Marks in The Times.
PUNCH. OR Tin-: LOXDON
ONE WHO KNOWS.
HEiHorAij.-iBERD88i«(toHEiROpImY). "I SAY, YOUNG PIEDMONT, IF YOU'LL TAKF. AX OLDER
MAN'S ADVICE, KEEP CLEAR OF THESE NASTY JUMPY TOYS. THEY GET ON YOl
THE Ancient Order of Hibernians at
Paterson, Xew Jersey, having unani-
mously resolved "to boycott all theatres,
concerts, and music-halls when- the
Irishman is caricatured," a m;lss Meet
ing of eminent Irishmen was convened
in London to determine whether or not
tu follow suit.
^ The Meeting was held in the Rotunda,
Turnham Green, the chair being taken
by the Drum-Major of the Kilties (height
7 feet, weight 275 Ibs.). Among those
present were Col. SiCHDERSON, M.P., Mr.
LLOYD-GEORGE, M.P., Mr. SWIFT MAC\KII.I.
M.P., Mr. G. BERNARD SHAW, Mr. I.
ZANGWILL, Mr. A. W. PINT.KO, Mr. GEORGE
M'K)RE, and Mr. W. B. YE us.
The CHAIRMAN, before making his
introductory speech, proceeded to read
in rich Canadian Doric several letters
from absent sympathisers.
Mr. KIPLING, writing from the Canary
Islands, said that Terence Mulvaneij was
drawn faithfully from life. Rather than
hear him called a caricature, the writer
was prepared to listen to the music of
< Hi IAIUCII. He did not know who it
was who said that he. preferred BACH
often to OFFENBACH, but, whoever it was,
he deserved a statue.
Lord ROSEBERY wrote as follows: — "1
am entirely of opinion that the most
delicate consideration should be shown
by the predominant partner to the racial
susceptibilities of the Celtic fringe. This
I hope I have made sufficiently clear in
my brief history of the Epsom Celts. I
trust, however, that in view of the
deplorable possibilities in Morocco
opened up by the Anglo-French Agree-
ment our dramatists will do their
utmost to enlighten the public as to the
true character of our neighbours across
the Channel."
Mr. HENRY ARTHUR JONES wrote to say
that in spite of all that had happened
he did not despair of the British stage.
If a National Theatre were established
he was prepared to write a play in which
every portion of the United Kingdom
should be represented in the dramatis
pci-Kimce. He was all for the entente
viiriliole, but he would never deviate
from the vernacular in his dialogue.
Though a Buckinghamshire man, he
was proud of his Welsh descent, while
his second name linked him with the
hero of Tintagel and Camelot.
i -Mr. DOOLEY cabled: "Glad I cannot
be with you to-night."
The CHAIRMAN (height 7 feet 3, weight
280 Ibs.) then addressed the Meeting.
They were assembled, he said, to ask
themselves whether or not (1) the Irish-
man on the English stage was a carica-
1 ure ; and (2), whether or not they would
slay away if he were. He might point out
lie had been invited to the chair as the
THE MILITARY PERIL.
Old Lady (to meniber of Signaling Kerl'wn, vita liax jn»t rommrnertl la rt/lt/ In a
" YOUNG MAN, IF YOU THINK TO ALARM MB BY WAOOINO nmsK n u;< ui..i r, i i vi • n
MISTAKEN ! "
most impartial person available, being a
Scotch Canadian of unimpeachable longi-
tude and avoirdupois. (Jjoud rlirrrx.
With these words the Driun-Majoi
resumed the chair and broke it.
Sen
Mr. PiNERO said that the Irishmen in
his plays were invariably drawn from
life. He had been to Ireland for the
purpose; indeed, lie was himself of Irish
extraction (Hear, hear), his name being
really O'PiXKR, but the () had in the
course of years rolled round to the other
end. (Skamef) He had serious thoughts
of restoring it to its right i>lac.-
Mr. SWIFF .M\r\"i:ii.i,. .M.I'., said that he
was not surprised that Irishmen \\eiv
unfairly treated on the stage. Tliev
were unfairly treated cverywhen-. In
the whole pageant of time I her.
nothing to compare with the brutalitic-.
of the Saxon to the Celt. Personally lie
never entered a theatre, for lie knew that
he would set foot then1 only to P
another stab in tho heart, and lose 1,1,
head in the struggle. Hut hi-i ad\
the Meeting was, whenever tlie\ -,iv\ .
head to hit it, irn-sjivtiveof ;i«e, tjiulilv.
ndilion.
The C||\IIMH\ height, 7 f.-et (5, Weight ,
285 Ibs.) intiT|Hilat< nark tluit
the .\I«-etiiig was intended to be of a
ilile non-polemical character. If.
however, on a show of hands :\ majority
declared itself for fun, he was prepared
to take his part. (Furore.)
230
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 28, 1904.
Mr. GEORGE MOORE at this point rose to
make a few remarks in Erse, which were
translated by Dr. DOUGLAS HYDE amid
the enthusiastic silence of the company.
A return to business was made by
Mr. W. B. YEATS, who said that, speak-
ing as the modern St. Patrick, lie would
ask the Meeting to be lenient towards
stage representatives of Irishmen. His
own plays were full of them. If they
seemed exaggerated to the audience it
was the fault of the actors. No Irish-
man would caricature a brother. The
actors, however, were often Saxons,
incapable of the finer feelings. Yet,
happy the man, no matter of what
nationality, who had the privilege now
and then of impersonating an Irishman.
[Cheers.
The CHAIRMAN remarked that it was not
only the representation of Irishmen that
conferred distinction on an actor. What
about Scotch-Canadians ? Eh ? But no
actor had dared to attempt to impersonate
the speaker. [A voice, " LITTLE TICK ! "
Mr GEORGE MOORE again spoke at this
point, during his remarks the refresh-
ment interval being taken.
Mr. I. ZANGWILL said that the Jews
had some right to complain of their
treatment on the stage. From Sliylock
downwards they had been depicted as
conscienceless vampires. But the stage
Irishman was a jovial person, whose
only fault— if he had one— was exuber-
ance. If he demanded new treatment
he would be bound to suffer. Take
away his brogue, his dhudeen and his
shillelagh, and you would leave him as
eligible for villainy as any other man.
Leave him these insignia and he would
remain genial and comic.
Mr. BERNARD SHAW said that no one
had a better right than he to speak of
stage Irishmen, for he was one himself.
(Sensation.} It was necessary for dra-
matists to be caricaturists, otherwise the
British public would never pay any
attention. His own plays consisted
always of two versions, one for England
with all the stupid exaggerations left in,
and one for Ireland with everything un-
necessary taken out. If an Irishman
did not say " Begorra ! " no English
audience would stand him.
Col. SAUNDERSON, M.P., said that he
was not aware that Irishmen were
unfairly treated on the stage. His own
belief was that it was impossible to
caricature an Irishman. You could not
caricature a caricature. [Riot lasting for
ten minutes, necessitating the interference
of the Chairman (height 8 feet, weight
300 Ibs.)]
During these proceedings Mr. GEORGE
MOORE again addressed the company in
Erse, assisted by pantomime. Dr. DOUGLAS
HYDE again translated.
On the return of the Chairman to the
platform Mr T,TnvTvOi.Tvnr.F M P vnso tn
make what he called a sporting offer. If
Ireland, he said, was aggrieved he would
make the playwright a present of Wales.
Wales wanted advertisement. Let comic
Welshmen, or wicked Welshmen, he did
not mind which, be the new popular
character. Let the Irishman have a
rest. (Ckonu of audience : " Never.
We would rather be caricatured than be
ignored.")
Mr. G. BERNARD SHAW, rising again,
pointed out that here, as elsewhere,
SHAKSPEARE had been the arch offender,
heaping ridicule impartially on Welsh-
men, Jews, and Italians. He, the speaker,
had done what he could to redress the
balance, but many old scores still
remained to be wiped out. He intended
to go on until the scandal was removed.
[Great enthusiasm.
The Meeting ended with a vote of
thanks to the Chairman, who under its
influence was observed to increase his
height to 8 feet 6, and his weight to
310 Ibs.
THE SECRET HISTORY OF
YESTERDAY.
BEING THE REVELATIONS OF AN
INTERNATIONAL DETECTIVE.
(\\'ilh grateful acTinoidedgments to
Mr. Allen Upu-ard.)
No. I. — WHY MR. CHAMBERLAIN
TAKES NO EXERCISE.
BY way of preliminary I may briefly
state that I am a citizen of the Argen-
tine Republic, the son of a Russian
Buriat and a Mseso-Gothic dolichocephalic
Princess, that I was born in Tipperu-
Sitlem on the same day of the same
month — though not the same year — as
Prince BISMARCK, and that after succes-
sively and successfully embracing the
callings of cowboy, hairdresser, piano-
tuner, artificial eye-maker, and calves'-
foot-jelly-manufacturer, I entered the
service of the International Detective
Agency at the age of twenty-eight with
an equipment of seventeen languages,
an iron constitution, and a Brasenose
fellowship. I may add that from early
childhood I had been consumed with a
passion for criminal investigation, and
that my favourite authors are Mr. WILLIAM
LE QUEUX and Mrs. HENRY WOOD.
& & a •:;:•
No one who has Seen Mr. JOSEPH
CHAMBERLAIN and noticed the extra-
ordinary elasticity- if 1 may say so, the
corkiness — of his gait can have failed
to wonder at the strange but notorious
fact that he is a total abstainer from
every form of active or athletic exercise.
The true reason of this unusual but
not life-long abstinence is only known to
three persons. One of them perished in
an attempt to cross the Channel in a
Tin til -nil air nn tVio annii-oT^nnr ,,f il —
battle of Waterloo ; the second is the
Right Hon. JESSE COLLINGS, M.P. ; the
third is the present writer.
Some thirty years ago, when Mr.
CHAMBERLAIN was already a leader of the
municipal life of Birmingham, and was
occupying the mayoral office with un-
paralleled lustre, the athletic, world was
greatly excited by the wonderful achieve-
ments of a mysterious runner known as
" the masked sprinter." Ho could give
the best amateurs ten yards in a hundred,
and invariably swept the board at the
Midland handicap meetings. A slim
spare man, with rather sloping shoulders,
he had a turn of speed that was simply
miraculous. But what lent their chie'f
mystery to his performances was the fact
that he ran in a mask and anonymously.
No one knew what his name was or
where he lived. He had no trainer, and
always smoked a large cigar as he went
to the starting-post. After the raco was
over ho seemed to vanish away, leaving
behind him an exquisite aroma of the
finest magnified Pomposox mingled with
the fragrance of the rarest orchids.
Simultaneously with the excitement
aroused by this astounding athlete, great
anxiety was created amongst tlio friends
of Mr. r1HAMHEi!i,.u\ by his frequent and
inexplicable disappearances from Bir-
mingham. Political opponents ascribed
them to dealings with Nihilists; rumour
was rife; and at last Mr. JESSE Ou.i.ivis
could bear the strain no longer, and tele-
graphed to the International Detective
Agency, "Send Best Man immediately."
In half-an-hour from the receipt of the
telegram I was speeding from Euston
in a faultless frock-coat and lavender
kid gloves. My powers of prescience
have seldom been at fault, but here it
was impossible for me to anticipate the
actual nature of the task that awaited me.
On reaching Birmingham I chartered
a private brougham, bought two pounds
of rice at the nearest grocer's, provided
the driver with a wreath of orange
blossoms, and tore off to Edgbastmi.
But the moment I set eyes on Mr.
COLLINGS I was convinced that the busi-
ness 1 had come about was of no matri-
monial kind. He was greatly distro.-sed,
his eyes were red with weeping, and his
whiskers so dishevelled as to make the
resemblance to Dr. IBSK.V another of my
clients — more striking than ever.
" Do not sit down," lie gasped. " Time
presses." And then he told me of the
strange disappearances of his beloved
friend, and the growth of a powerful
cabal to deprive him of the insignia of
office and hurl him from public life.
" It will kill me," moaned Mr. COLLINGS,
" unless we can find some way out."
Keeping my eye fixed on him I observed
nonchalantly, "I suppose you woidd like
to know where he goes and what he does
The bait took at once.
"Yes," cried the eminent statesman,
"you must follow him, track him down
at all hazards and all costs, and save
him from danger, possibly disgrace."
He blew his nose noisily to hide his
emotion, thrust a great rouleau of notes
into my hand , li t a choice Borneo cigar, and
rushed hastily from the breakfast parlour.
At 11 P.M. that night, disguised in the
corduroys of the assistant gardener,
whom I had drugged and safely deposited
in the melon frame, I was ensconced in
the inner orchid house at Highbury,
waiting for the dawn. There was a great
athletic meeting at Wolverhampton the
next day, and I had drawn my own
deductions.
Two and then three chimed from the
neighbouring church tower before I
heard the sound of a key grating in the
lock, and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN stole into the
orchid house. He was simply clad in
a suit of purple pyjamas, with the
mayoral chain gracefully slung round
his neck. In one hand he carried a
suit-case, and in the other a dark lantern.
He had come to take a glimpse at his
beloved flowers before starting for
Wolverh ampton .
"What are you doing in my orchid
house?" he asked, with a dangerous
gleam in his eye.
Before I had time to reply he suddenly
uttered a smothered ejaculation, fell on his
knees, and, seizing my right hand, respect-
fully kissed a ring on my little finger.
The ornament which excited this
extraordinary demonstration was one
given me thirteen years previously by a
Georgian Countess at Tiflis, whom I had
saved from the bastinado at some per-
sonal inconvenience. She begged me
never to remove it from my finger, as it
was a talisman which would one day
save my life. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, like the
KAISER, is a great connoisseur of gems,
and the lustre of the stone — a splendid
Trebizond sapphire— drove all homicidal
thoughts out of his head.
Without paying any further attention
to his question I observed quietly, " That
PREHISTORIC SHAKSPEARE.-No. 3. "MACBETH.
"INFIRM OF
GIVE ME THE DAGGERS. "--.!<•/ //,, .Sr. 2.
was a fine finish of yours at Hanley last
Friday in the open 100 yards, when you
smothered TREPPLIN on the tape."
He staggered like a man who had
been stung by a centipede, and sat down
heavily on a large flower-pot.
"How did you find me out?" he
queried in a sharp, pained voice.
"I am Tosoircrt — TOSCHER the detec-
tive," I answered simply.
"Well," he rejoined, "it is at least
some consolation to me to have been
discovered by you and you alone. But
what would you of me?*"
The strong man was as wax in my
hands.
" Dvop the running path," I said, in a
low, thrilling whisper. "I know the
fascination, the sense of triumph as you
breast the tape a winner. But you are
cut out for greater things. Mtijom
canamus. Hie labor, hoe opus est.
Quousque tandem ? "
He wavered ; then, with a sudden
gesture of acquiescence, hissed out,
" Then it must be all or nothing. If I
give up running, I must give up dancing,
lawn-tennis, water -polo — even-thing.
Oh, 'tis hard," he broke out with a
sudden flash of prophetic instinct, " that
I of all people should live to load a
Seddontory existence."
" Give them up," I insisted. " Go the
whole hog. Cement the Empire, and
save JESSE COLLINGS'S life."
That last appeal went home. He
clutched my hand, and murmuring
brokenly, "I promise," handed me the
suit-case, which contained his running
kit, shoes and mask, and set out with me
then and there, in. the chill grey dawn,
to enlighten and reassure his lifelong
and devoted friend.
So much fuss about Hans, the learne I
horse, is quite disproportionate. Have
we so soon forgotten the Spelling Bee ?
"ANOTHKK PAIR OK
TlMK was, not very long ago,
When MABEL'S walking-skirt
Trailed lialf-a-yard Inland in show
How well she swept the dirt.
Rut " short and sweet " are in again ;
No more the grievance rankles.
For MABEL'S now curtailed her train
And shows her dainty ankles.
But MABEL has a thrifty mind.
To supplement her charm-.
Tln> frills that once she wore behind
She fastens on her arm-.
Her sleeves are made in open bags
Like trousers in the Navy ;
No more she sweeps the streets. Inn
Her sleeve across the gravy.
AT Lincoln I/>rd RnsEBKRV said :-
•' Had the Government manfully chosen
to declare themselvis either Free-traders
or Protectionists they might liave fallen.
hut they would have fallen with honour.
But now, how will they fall ''. "
On inquiry at the ODCM <>f tin- Tariff
Reform League, Our Representative \va-
informed that the correct answer to this
riddle is, "On their feet."
232
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 28, 1904.
A DIFFERENCE OF CLASS.
I AM glad to get up on deck once more
after a combined tea and supper, of which
I could have partaken quite heartily had
not each of its items (except the water-
cress, which claimed attention for other
reasons) been so obtrusive a memento
of the engine-room. I thread my way
across the crowded deck past where the
gentleman in the grey yachting-cap,
whose party joined the boat on the way
down at Gravesend, still stands with his
eyes half shut and a glass of whiskey in
one hand, addressing to the passengers
in general the same song about his
mother. Not without some difficulty I
secure a seat by the rail, a young lady of
a highly scented presence accommodat-
ingly squeezing a little closer to her
escort in order to make room for me.
Southend has been left far behind, and
level banks have closed in upon us on
either side. Singularly deso-
late looks the long black line
of the Essex shore, with a
small round sun hanging low
over it and casting a narrow
red pathway across the water.
Lighting a cigarette I sit and
idly watch the shining path-
way sliding obliquely along
in pace with the boat as we
steam on towards Gravesend.
Behind me our friend of the
grey yachting-cap continues
to assure us of his love for his
grey-haired mother.
" I say, old man —
I look up. Standing before
me is a large young man
with a very flabby white face
and a very spiky black mous-
tache. He is dressed in a double-
breasted serge suit, white boots, a brown
hat of the variety known as " Trilby,"
and an immense white satin Ascot tie
splashed with red and pierced by a large
pin, which gives the whole affair the look
of a surgical operation. With a much-
bejewelled hand he points in the direction
of the seated figure of the scented young
lady.
" I say, old man, you might just keep
an eye on that while I go an' get a tiddley,
will you?"
I must confess to showing some con-
fusion at this embarrassing invitation,
whereupon the young lady, glancing
from me to her escort, murmurs depre-
catingly, " What a cheek ! " adding that
the seat won't run away. Awaking to
my mistake I hasten to assure him of my
good offices, and he retires towards the
saloon-stairs with a jocose injunction to
the young lady to "Be good," which
leaves me the prey of a renewed
embarrassment.
The gentleman in the grey yachting-
cap has been joined from below by the
rest of his party, and has deserted the
theme of his mother in favour of a more
congenial chorus about a lodger who, we
are given to xinderstand, is a fair caution
at moppiijg up the sherbet. I turn my
attention to the river once more and
watch a little fleet of red-sailed barges
drift one by one across the shining path-
way, the figures upon their decks blurred
and mysterious against the setting sun.
As the last of them disappears in our
wake, the young lady by my side gives
presage of original powers of conversa-
tion by observing that it is getting mild.
I admit this and at the same time
notice our friend of the grey yachting-
cap approaching us, glass in hand, plainly
with a design upon the vacant seat.
True to my trust I explain to him the
situation.
" Seat engaged ? " he repeats. — " Just
squeeze a little nearer your young lady.
Room for a little one."
"DOES YOUR MOTOR KNOW YOU'RE OUT?"
Fortunately I am here relieved of an
arduous task by the return of the flabby
young man, who seats himself in his old
place and, addressing me as "old boy,"
remarks that there are a queer lot of
outsiders on board to-day.
"Common lot," assents the lady.
"They used to be so select too, these
boats."
"I really don't know what things are
coming to nowadays — ' begins the
young man, but is here suddenly inter-
rupted by the gentleman in the yachting-
cap, who for the past moment or two has
been standing contemplating him with
an expression of hazy meditation.
" Wodder you reckon your weight
is ? " he inquires irrelevantly.
The young man looks up and regards
him with indignant astonishment.
" Wodder you reckon your weight
is ? " repeats Yachting Cap. " Where
do I come in on that there seat, eh? "
" There 's no room here," returns the
young man shortly.
Yachting Cap regards him for a
moment or two contemplatively.
" Keep ter the point," he says slowly.
" The point is — wodder you reckon your
weight is ? "
The young man makes no reply.
" There 's the sorterfeller," muses
Yachting Cap, addressing nobody in
particular, " wot takes up all the room
an' don't leave none fer respectable
people."
Meanwhile the rest of the convivial
party have ceased a shuffling sort of
dance and gathered round, mopping the
perspiration from their faces.
"Sorterfeller," continues Yachting
Cap, supplying fuel to his grievance,
"oughter pay extra. I ask 'im civil
question wot 'is weight is. Why don't
the authorities do somethin'? Becos
they don' want to. Lookatheweightofim.
They connive at it. Sorterfeller oughtn't
ter be allowed take seats."
Here one of his party, a shaggy-
looking personage with a bottle sticking
out of his pocket, is moved to
put in his word.
"There 'e is in the scat
though, ain't 'e ? " he remarks
thoughtfully. " You couldn't
put 'im out of it, ole man."
By this time conversation
has been hushed all round,
and the indignant young man
is the focus of everybody's
attention. Yachting Cap sur-
veys him with a calculating
eye. After a moment or two
he speaks.
" P'raps not," he replies
guardedly. " But my ole
woman could."
" You couldn't," repeats
the shaggy man triumphantly.
Again Yachting Cap slowly
appraises the uncomfortable young man
with his eye.
"Look at the muscle on 'im," he
remarks hesitatingly.
" Go orn ! " exclaims the shaggy man.
" That ain't muscle. It 's fat."
" It 's muscle, I tell yer," returns
Yachting Cap. " Look at it on 'is calves
there. Like whipcord."
The young man, who has just crossed
his legs with an assumption of ease,
uncrosses them hastily — then, thinking
better of it, crosses them again with an
attempt at nonchalance.
" Like whipcord," repeats Yachting
Cap. " You feel it."
By a sudden involuntary movement
the young man uncrosses his legs again,
and draws the white boots uneasily
under the seat.
" It 's fat, I tell yer," repeats the
shaggy man. "Just look at it on 'is
cheeks ! "
The outraged young man has begun
a sickly pretence of a conversation with
his companion, thus drawing \ipon her
a good deal of attention, for which she
SEPTEMBER 28, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
does not seem to be at all grateful.
Yachting Cap turns to the shaggy man
with a change of front.
" Look "ere," he observes, " you say I
won't put 'im out of 'is seat? "
" I say yer can't," replies the other.
"Woddyer bet I can't?" demands
Yachting Cap.
The young man suddenly stops short
in some disconnected remarks, and
regards the shaggy man apprehensively.
"I'll 'ave a tanner on it," says the
shaggy man with enthusiasm.
" Let 's see yer money," says
Yachting Cap cautiously.
Here a cadaverous-looking
man in cracked patent leather
boots obligingly offers to act
as stake-holder, and the two
sixpences are deposited in his
keeping. Yachting Cap drains
his glass and places it care-
fully upon the deck. The
young man gazes wildly about
him.
"Fair an' square now,"
observes the shaggy man.
" You 've got ter put 'im out
of 'is seat proper. No per-
suading of 'im ter come quiet.
It 's got ter be done by force.
Otherwise it don't count.
That 's right enough, CHARLIE,
ain't it?"
The cadaverous man nods
resourcefully.
Yachting Cap is engaged
with much deliberation in re-
moving his coat and waistcoat.
" WILL ! " exclaims the
scented young lady, rising and
addressing her escort in a
hurried whisper. " WILL !
Come away ! "
The young man rises and
looks round him.
" If I hadn't got a lady with
me — •" he remarks.
" Come away, WILL !
repeats his companion.
" If you'd care to wait for
me up the other end —
he begins, 'but the lady
is already walking off forward.
For a moment Yachting Cap lairds his
friends hazily. Then, snatching the
sleeve of his coat from the deck, ho
lurches off after the retreating figure "f
the young man, the coat trailing on the
deck behind him.
" 'Ere, 'ere ! " he cries, every feature
expressing aggrieved protest. " Wait a
minute!"
His party hasten after him, n little
group of interested observers bringing
up the rear. At the top of the saloon-
stairs Yachting Cap overtakes his prey.
POP ! POP !
—Restaurant in Switzerland.)
' Tourl* (to Manager, who know, English). " THERE ABE TWO BOTTLES or
"s^-to r ™rr,rr,« — . - .
ZEE MOUNTAIN MUST HAVE DECEIVED ZEE
"I -tick ter my Let," obMnres the
- got tar
put 'im out of 'is s-at ter win the bet."
The young man and his i-omponion
have doubled and are walking off aft
again. Once more Yachting Cap starts
oil in pursuit with his coot, the rest
following in his train. As he goes he
waxes more and more indignant with his
quarry.
" Why can't yer flit down ''. " In
"There's money on tin- mint
ter prevent a p>re man makin1 hi \|M-<
fhe young man and In-
! companion at the 1,,-id of
the procession continue their
march down tin- deck, the
cynosure of all eyes. Yacht
ing Cap seems to find tin-
way that he is l>eing treated
quite intolerable.
"Sixpence may be nothink
ter you," he shout* Utterly,
" hut it 's somethink ter me
I 'ave ter icork fur im/
livin' ! "
"AST MORE >T»R GlAVBB-
I:M)?" shouts an unexpected
stentorian \
Yachting Cap's party
denly awake to their posi-
tion, and, turning, stampede
towards the gangboard.
"Come on, 'ARREE! " shouts
the fair-minded man over hi>
shoulder. " The boat 's going
off! "
- I >' yer call yersclf a trnrl*-
rnonf demands Yachting
Cap of the young man. For
a moment he awaiUt an answer,
then turns and walks off
towards the ganglxsird. still
dragging his coat after him.
'omeon, if you're comin'."
exclaims the disgusted official.
•• Want a private launch, mow
of yer."
Yachting Cap reaches the
gangboard, and, panning with
one foot on it, turns towards
the l>oat.
••v..n'r» n spoil-sport!
The
J o r n
young man turns promptly and follows
her, pausing to inform a little group of
strangers that it is a difficult thing to
know what to do when you 've got a girl
with you. Yachting Cap has paused,
with his waistcoat half off, and is watch-
ing his opponent's retreat in a bewildered
sort of way. Suddenly he turns to the
shaggy man.
'"E's left 'is seat!" he exclaims
triumphantly.
" Yes, but you didn't put 'im out of
it," returns the other punctiliously.
" That was the bet. You 'ad ter put im
o.it of it. Ask ole CHARLIE."
suDnorts this view.
Hire, wait <* in
injured terms. "There's money .
" WILL ! " cries the scented young lady.
" Why don't you speak to the Captain ?
Yachting Cap has turned to the shagg
'"''"Woddyer bet I don't put 'im down
t he saloon-stairs ? " he suggest
"That wasn't the bet," returns the
other firmly. "I betted you wouldnt
put 'imTut of 'is seat. An' you am t
d°"Make it the saloon-sta in, ole ma n"
here puts in a fair-minded member of
party " You ain't giving im a chance.
{3e a sportsman. Fair 's fair any d
You 'rc a
"That 's wot you are. A
l!ut at this moment the olhcial sud-
denly tilts the gangboard toward
pier' with the result that the speaker
takes an involuntary run down it mi-l
makes a violent arrival an.o,
Kr,,«,, ..f friend,. The gangboard >s
pulleil i", the paddle-wh.vl revolv«,
and the space between the boot and
po
recovering his balance, and sh.eld.ng
mouth with his hands. "A tpod-tport
Gradually the steamer draws
The party on the pier have broke
into song once more. Yachting
234
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI.
[SEPTEMBER 28, 1904.
_till holding his coat by the sleeve, has turned his back on
the boat, and is swelling the chorus. I turn, from the rail
and find the flabby young man beside me.
"What would you have done, old boy?" he inquires.
" Suppose I 'd punched the chap, he 'd probably have given
me in charge for assault. I felt inclined to, you know, but it 's
not good enough. I 've been had that way before. I remem-
ber one night I 'd been up West with some of the boys-
round the town on the fair ran-dan — you know what I mean
• — an' a feller came up to me . . . ."
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
THE Baron can recommend At the Sign of the Barber's Pole,
by WILLIAM ANDREWS, published by J. R. TOTIN, of Cotting-
ham, Yorkshire, as an instructive book of entertainment for
man and barber. Ecce siynum! It is a history of shaving and
hairdressing generally, from the most barberous times up to
the present day. What was the origin of the pole in front
of the barber's shop ? Was h because the eminent Cardinal
of that name was a patron of the craft ? On the visit of
Cardinal POLE to Rome -was this Ted and white flagstaff, with
a crown atop, erected over the Harberini Palace where his
Eminence was wont to tafe trp
his abode? Did ever a barber
stand for Parliament and
come in atop of his own pole ?
Mr. ANDREWS tells us bow
HENRY THE EIGHTH was as good
a patron of the barber's block
as he was of the headsman's,
and he reproduces HOLBEIN'S
picture of Bluffing King HAL
receiving the Barber - Sur-
geons, all kneeling, and giving
them a charter. The Hair-
dressers did not do much for
HENRY in return, who — being
of a very violent temper —
'couldn't keep his hair on, and
was bald while yet in the
prime of life. Mr. ANDREWS
acknowledges his obligation
to Notes and Queries and a variety of other learned works.
He enlivens his erudition with quips, cranks, light and hairy
jests, and his many stories of old and young shavers are
illustrated with cuts. Among his many apt quotations he
does not record the couplet in one of somebody's burlesques
—was it H. J. BYRON'S ? — which runs thus : —
Lady. Aha ! you are the hairdresser, J see.
Stranger. Beg pardon, Mum, hair you hairdressing me?
Perhaps the author might like to add this and many another
pun on LAMB'S prize pun to his second edition.
bound, yearning for sight of wife and children, was taken
ill in London and ordered to Carlsbad. There, cheerful and
courageous to the List, he, after brief stay, died. On board
the steamer that carried him from the scene of his completed
labours he wrote, " I am coming home, and that 's the import-
ant point." His last home was found in the little Austrian
town.
It is not easy to suspect so sedate and responsible an
institution as the house of BLACK WOOD of indulgence in a
practical joke. Nevertheless, conscientiously reading through
Jan Van Dyck, my Baronite has been haunted by the idea.
The scene of the story is laid in Holland. There
is no
printed testimony as to whether J. MORGAN-DE-GROOT indulged
his fancy in his native tongue or whether the English reader
profits by a translation,
existence of the book
reminiscent of Sandford
However that be, the reason for the
inscrutable. Its literary style is
and Merlon, whilst in point of
DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.
dramatic interest it is only a shade less interesting than that
classic. Here is a specimen of whole pages. The hero
whilst yet a boy comes into a fortune, and is taken by his
guardian to be clothed as becomes his new estate. They
enter a tailor's shop: "'Measure!' shouted the shopman,
and a man came forward from
some dark recess and bowed.
' No. 3 is vacant,' he said.
' Please follow us,' said the
tailor to Mr. Bentick. ' I sup-
pose you mean me, too?' asked
Jan timidly. ' If you please,'
said the tailor, and Jan fol-
lowed the others into a little
room with a large mirror,
where the tailor passed his
measuring tape all over him
and called out figures which
the other man jotted down
in a big book." In turn Jan
is conducted to a hatter's, a
shoemaker's, and a hair-
dresser's, where the process
The letters written to his wife by WILBUR CHAMBERI.IN
during his expedition to China on behalf of the New York
Sun have been collected, and are published on this side of
the Atlantic by Messrs. METHUEN. The occasion of the
journey was the Boxer uprising of 1900. My Baronite had
not the opportunity of seeing the newspaper work. But if
it was as brightly written as are these letters, meant for the
home circle, the standard of American journalism was well
maintained. Whether in Japan, Shanghai, Tientsin, Pekin,
London, or Carlsbad, the newspaper-man's quick eye saw
everything, his pen with graphic touches recording his
observations. It is just possible that one gets a more vivid
impression of daily life in China from these informal letters
than might be derived from others predestined for print.
The journey ends in tragedy. Mr. CHAMBERLIN, homeward
THE
of purchase is described in
similar detail. If this is the
way novels are written in Holland, the sooner the dykes
break or the conquering Spaniards return the better.
For a novel of excellent humour, shrewd insight and
admirable characterisation, commend me, says my Assistant
Reader, to The Town's Verdict, by ETHEL F. HEDDLE (BLACKIE
AND SON). The scene is laid in St. Andrews, that grey
delightful old town of the north with which Miss HEDDLE has
previously shown an intimate
acquaintance. To be sure, Miss
HEDDLE prefers in the book to call
it St. Ride's, but the disguise is
slight and can deceive no one.
From beginning to end the inter-
est of the story is most skilfully
maintained. Mrs. Balgarnie is a
character worthy to rank with the
best in recent fiction, and there
are others, as for instance Major
Brewstcr and Col. Seton, drawn
with a hand equally sure. Alto-
gether a most refreshing novel.
DE
_ REVOLT OF "Tire DAUGHTERS OF ERIN."— The following adver-
tisement, which recently appeared in the Freeman's Journal,
has caused widespread dismay among the Dublin garrison : —
" Six young Generals wanted/ Meet ladies Freeman Registry."
for ,t) by Mr. CYR.L MAUDE and the first-n e
company he has got together for this particular work M
CYRIL MAUDE, admirably made up, impersonates the eWerlv gav
seductive, ready-witted Captain Jame. Barley, of JRJS
ffmr »» Hand, to perfection: that is, taking for granted
the absolute correctness of Mr. JACOBS' portraiture of a c s
w,t h which it is unlikely that one in a hundred among he
audience is so thoroughly acquainted as to be able to claim
right of special and particular criticism. Never having met a
Captain James Barley, I can only express my confidence in
Mr JACOBS description and CYHIL MAUDE'S impersonation
olhimas together constituting a faithful picture of a real
existing type, just as much as were Cap' en Cuttle and Jack
Bunsby, whom we accept on the authority of CH MILES
.DICKENS. In representing this superior Bargee Mr. Craii
MAUDE has added another excellent portrait to his already
well-stocked gallery of dramatic characters.
In this farcical piece the dialogue is of minor importance
as long as it is characteristic and as long as the bustling
action is never for one single instant allowed to flag. Were
pretty and lively Miss JESSIE BATEMAN, as the ingenue Ethel
Smedley, and her lover Lieutenant Selon Boyne, R.N. (a
difficult part extremely well played by Mr. KENNETH DOUCLA.S),
to allow themselves to drop into sentiment for one single
moment, the change of tone, and of the tempo at which
dialogue and action have to be taken, would be fatal to a
piece that must be played lightly and at high pressure
from first to last. This is also true of the second pair of lovers,
Herbert Manners and Lucy Dalits, rendered in the same
lively manner by Mr. MARSH ALLEN and Miss EITA JOLIVET,
with just as much reality put into their love-making as th
exigencies of the go-ahead business of the stage will allow.
Mr. E. M. ROBSON as the diminutive George Porter, th
plucky little landlord of the " Old Ship," and husband of its
fascinating landlady (delightfully impersonated by cleve
Miss MARY BROUGH) is immense. Then the way in which Mis
MARY BROUGH, in a temper, bangs down on the bar counte
Captain Barleys pint of stout, splashing him all over as i
by the merest accident, is something to see. The fights, the
hustling, the accordion playing, the dancing, the amusing
assumption of the outward physical signs of some mysteriously
sudden illness by Tom Codd (Mr. LENNOX PAWLE), send the
Second Act along amid continuous outbursts of laughter
testifying to the thorough enjoyment of a crammed and
enthusiastic house.
Mr. EDMUND MAURICE as the irascible Major Smedley,
character not by any means new to farce, starts the fast and
furious fun in the opening scene of the First Act ; and all
the others, in their degree, including Miss ADELA MEASOR
representing Mrs. Smedley, the one absolutely quiet person
in the piece, keep the game alive without a moment's pause.
Solidly absurd is Mr. FREDERICK VOLPE as John Dilbx, the
Major's gardener ; while Mrs. CHARLES CALVERT as the woe-
begone love-lorn housekeeper, Mrs. Baldwin, has only to look
the part in order to set the merriment going. All the minor
characters stand out distinctly and find excellent representa-
tives iu .Messrs. LTTTLEDALE POWER, A. G. ONSLOW, J. B. Fox,
J. H. BREWER, and R. EYRE.
The rehearsals of this ultra-farcical piece, with but a very
slight plot, have evidently been admirably managed, as they
will always be where so thorough an artist as Mr. I 'vRii.
AT A WET CROSSING;
OB, "LVITATIOX 18 THE SlXCEHKST FoRJC OF
MAI DE is in command of the stage, and, consequently, „.-.
run, as quite an exceptional success, is sei-nred for a lon^r
time to come.
IIUXKST HELCCTAM'i;.
MY dear, when I met you a summer ago,
I found you so dainty, so pretty and M
That long I debated on whether or no
To lay down my hand and my heart at your feet ;
But I had got used to a bachelor life,
And you were a- lively as lively couhl be.
So I didn't - I thought you might prove, as a wife,
A trifle too jumpy for me.
And now that 1 've watched you and seen what you are
I know that your heart is as true as your < .
Your spirit as lofty and clear as a star.
And gladly, oh, gladly I 'd try for the pri/.e ;
But my youth has left me alone in a gr<»\e.
And yours is so fresh and deliriously new
That 1 dare not 1 fear tliat. for life, 1 shoul 1 pr
A trifle, too stodgy for \ I >i si-I U v.
AiTitoiMiHTK SH \KSH-: MM \\ Qiourios ion V. Aim.K MKCK.
Uouble. double, to 1 and trouble."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTORF.rt 5, 1904.
THE GROWING HANDICAP OF MARRIAGE."
[In these lines, which do not necessarily reRect his own views, the
•mthor ventures to assume the attitude of a certain correspondent to the
Time* who in a recent letter under the above heading, passed some
severe strictures upon the Modern Wife. His diatribe included the
following remarks:— "The vapid insipidities, the idle tittle-tattle that
too often" do duty for conversation, disgust, if they do not bore, the man
whose business life is something more serious than a round of frivol
and drivel The clever man may no more make a clever remark
than the cricketer may howl right-handed to the lady cricketer. Oh for
an hour of the ancient Salons ! "]
"Iis not her love of gaudy gear,
Her hopeless vanity of heart,
Her passion, vulgar but sincere,
To earn the epithet of " smart ; "
These foibles— fatuous, I admit—
Might pass as relatively venial,
If only in the sphere of Wit
She proved a shade less uncongenial.
Her damnably expensive taste
In frills and leathers, fronts and toques,
Could, by a sacrifice, be faced
Had she the sense to see my jokes ;
But as for any answering sign
When I throw off a scintillation —
1 might lie casting pearls to swine,
They 'd show as much appreciation.
Could Woman grasp the views of men
Upon the role of perfect wife,
What hopes a husband nurses when
He launches out on married life,
She might contrive to get her brain
Equipped with intellectual tackle,
And spare her lord the constant strain
Of driveling, frivoling, hen-roost cackle.
When I return, at four or so,
Engrossed with Duty's strenuous grind,
I wish to bandy jeux-de-mots
In converse with a kindred mind ;
Hit by a slump in " Dover A.,"
A wild canard, a wanton rumour,
I 'd like to wash my cares away
With jets of swift responsive humour.
'Oh srtZon-days ! 0 golden times
When Wit would wed with jeinm.es d'esprif,
And armed with neat impromptu rhymes
Always came home to repartee ;
When women sat by Humour's throne,
And, all alert to wrest his laurels,
In each department held their own,
Even including that of morals.
Those days are over. Life has shed
Its Attic salt, its vernal sap
(As all will gather who have read
Me on the " Marriage Handicap ") ;
And, therefore, when to wife and home
I hear a husband murmur Vale !
I know just why he wants to roam :
1 I sympathise with poor " Bill Bailey " .'
Iffiore Infant Prodigies.
0. S.
THE Chapel-en-le-Frith Horticult ural Society recently offered
os.. .'>«., 2s., and Is. for an exhibit which the Prize Catalogue
specifies as follows : " 1'est
Cottager (three days old)."
Loaf of Bread, baked by a
THE WHITE RABBIT.
CHAPTER X.
The Adventure of the 'Prince ichh tlte Duchess of Bandmia.
\Vni:\ his audience had been assembled on the following
morning the White Rabbit began his story :-
"I will not weary you," he said in his loftiest and most
condescending tone, " with all the details of my life in my
father's splendid Court. Let it suffice that at the age of
fifteen I was noted not merely for the beauty of my person
and my strength but also for the mental powers that I was
able to bring to bear on every subject submitted to me."
" Did they submit many ? " asked the Cat.
"That question," said the Rabbit, "shows how ignorant
you are of the usages of Courts."
" I daresay," said the Cat. " I only thought fifteen was a
hit young, you know. But no doubt, I'm wrong."
" You are," said the Rabbit. " Very wrong. In Sablonia
we develope rapidly. A man of fifteen there is fully the
equal of any man*of twenty-five in these retarded latitudes.
However, if you don't care to hear my story I'm sure I don't
want to tell it."
"Sorry," said the Cat, and the Rabbit resumed: —
"Many were the lovely ladies who adorned with their
presence the Court of Sablonia; but amongst these the
loveliest, by common consent, was the Iiuchess of BANWSH,
with whom my tale is concerned. Certainly she was no
mere girl. In her the passage of the years, while it took
nothing from the charm of her incomparable beauty, had
added that wisdom and grace of mind which so many of your
insipid fair ones lack. To be sure, she was not without bet
enemies, some of whom, indeed, went so far as to accuse liei
of being an emissary in the pay of the King of PLAGIORQSA
my father's brother and the determined foe of onr House
So soon, however, as it became known that I was ready or
the slightest provocation to constitute myself the champioi
of the lady, these malignant whispers died out. I onl\
mention them in order to avow my total disbelief in ani
rumour that reflected on this beautiful lady's diameter. I
is true that she was married to a wicked old rake of twici
her age, but this fault, if fault it could be called, was dm
to the poverty and the heartless schemes of her parents, win
had led her practically from the nursery to the altar in orde:
to mate her with a man she had scarcely seen. So mud
then for the earlier history of the Duchess. At the tim
I speak of she was, as I have said, in the full flush of he
beauty. She cast upon me the eyes of kindness ; her sad
fate as the wife of the villainous Duke appealed to all my
sympathy, and I vowed to defend her with all my strength.
"Naturally her evident preference for my society could not
fail to raise up for me many enemies. In Courts, where life
for the most part is all idleness and pleasure, spiteful gossip
too often takes the place of conversation, and jealousy and
pique are the petty motives that direct the actions of men.
I was not unaware of the rumours and innuendoes that were
in the air, but with the heedlessnesa of youth I had made
up my mind to disregard them. Well would it have been
for me and for the object of my chivalrous devotion had I
paid a closer attention to the envious schemes of some of
those who were my daily companions. Hut 'tis the nature
of Princes to be noble, and ban suntj ne pent menhr.'
" 1 sav ! " interrupted Hob, " that's not the right quotation,
is it ? "
"How would you correct it?" asked the Rabbit. 'It's
French, you know. Possibly you don't understand French."
" Rot. I understand quite enough to know what I 'in talking
about. It ought to be, bon chieit r/«i.<sr <lc m<r."
"That only shows your silliness," said the Rabbit. "You
think everything must be about dogs. I know my quotation
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON < IIAIMV AIM.
cc
UJ
t
CO •
i :
OCTOBER 5, 1904.]
is right, for," he added proudly, " it is
the motto of our House, and it is to
found carved on all the public buildings
of Sablonia."
" Let him go on, 7iW>," said the Cat.
"If it's carved on all the public houses
of Sablonia he's bound to know about
it."
" I said public buildinr/K," said the
Rabbit majestically, " not public' houses.
And now, perhaps, you '11 let me pro-
ceed :
" One morning I was walking in the
gardens of the Palace. It was early
slimmer, and the birds were singing in
the trees and everything looked bright
and fair. Yet somehow or other, in spite
of the beauty of the day, I could not rid
myself of melancholy forebodings. What
am I, I thought to myself, that without
any special merit of my own I should
in the course of time become the master
of all this scene of loveliness? Are
there not possibly some as worthy as I
who now languish in obscurity merely
because the chances of their birth have
not been propitious? Thus musing I
became aware of a certain inexplicable
strangeness in my surroundings. The
familiar avenues, the grottoes, the undu-
lating sweep of the great deer-park were
in their ancient situations ; but for some
reason they hardly seemed the same.
A glamour had fallen from them and,
though the sun streamed upon them,
they looked cold and bleak. Suddenly
I saw my father advancing from the Royal
Hunting Lodge to meet me. Although
the morning was warm he was closely
wrapped up, and the lower part of his
face was concealed by a woollen muffler.
;'Sir,' said I, as he approached, 'you
suffer. Is there aught I can do to relieve
you ? '
' 'Tis a mere nothing,' he replied, ' a
touch of cold caught at the laying of the
foundation-stone of the Oddfellows' Hall
yesterday. I am not so young as I was.
Nay, do not protest, for I know, I feel,
that I am not.'
"Something in the tone of his voice
surprised me. Was this indeed my
father ? There • could be no doubt : no
other man could imitate a majesty of
bearing and a nobility of aspect which
not even a woollen muffler could conceal.
And, as to the voice, it was, of course,
affected by the cold.
' Will you oblige me,' continued the
King, after a pause necessitated by a
severe fit of sneezing, ' by taking this
note to the chief librarian of the Palace ?
INCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART
In return he will give you a book which
I desire you to bring to me. And, by
the way,' he added, seemingly as an
afterthought, ' you may as well take with
you the Duchess of BANDUSIA. She has
expressed a desire to see the Royal
library, and she cannot visit it under
better auspices than yours.'
DIFFICULT TASK.
"JACK, DEAR, I DO WISH TOD WOCLD GET ANOTHER PHOTO TAKEN."
"HOW OFTEN HAVE I TOLD VOt' I WILL NOT?"
"Bur WHY NOT?" (Then, thmigfitfutly, ttfter a paute.) ''ABE vor Anuin M> in
LOOK PLEASANT?"
"Need I say that I gave a joyful
assent, seized the note, and sprang off to
perform my pleasant commission. In
five minutes I had found the Duchess,
and together we proceeded to that part
of the Palace in which the libniry is
situated."
Here the Rabbit paused and took
breath.
" No more to-day," he said. "!M suite
au procliain numero. Do you understand
that, Rob ? It 's French."
Sermon* in Stones.
FROM a review of Tin- h-n*-r» of
BithopStH&bl in tin- Lilt-ran- Suppli-int-nt
of the
"He bad searched the arcliiw- • ( Kimros-
borough Castli- and wan deeply vented in the
geological («ir) history of hie (
VEOKTAIU.K Man Cook wanted for Chili. -
Apply to Steward, Ac. Von,,
Kvid.-ntly nut the- IWf-Sti-.ik Club.
210
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBEE 5, 1904.
THE
SECRET HISTORY OF
YESTERDAY.
BEING THE REVELATIONS OF AN
INTERNATIONAL DETECTIVE.
(With grateful acknowledgments to
'.!/>•. 'Allen Upward.)
\;0 II — WHY MARCELINE NEVER
SPEAKS AIIOYE A WHISTLE.
VISITORS to the Hippodrome, who have
been convulsed by the merry antics of the
famous droll, reck little of the world of
tragedy that lies concealed underneath
that quaint exterior. Yet a little reflec-
tion would serve to remind them that
some of the saddest hearts have worn
the motley — RIGOLETTO, GRIMALDI, and
Mr. GIBSON BOWLES, to mention no others.
It is one of the strangest facts con-
nected with our civilisation, sophisticated
The next
outside the
night I took up my stand
stage door of the Hippo-
drome at 10 o'clock. MAIN T.UNK'S private
brougham was waiting for him, and the
coachman was nodding on the box. The
night was rather foggy, and, stealing
noiselessly up from behind — here as else-
where my experience in stalking elk in
Oklahoma stood me in admirable stead—
I opened the door of the brougham on the
side farthest- from
slipped inside. A
cance as of one not only born but
in the purple. Most sinister and
and suspicious though it is, that its real
mysteries seldom excite curiosity.
'MARCELINE, perhaps the most perplex-
ing figure of our times, has hitherto been
accepted simply and solely for what he
appears to be — a clown in a circus. Yet
the most cursory inspection makes it clear
that he positively teems with romance.
His name, to begin with, irresistibly
suggests a princely origin to anyone
acquainted with the famous passage in
VIRGIL: Tu Mareellus erls. His nose,
again, is fraught with portentous signifi-
bred
mys-
terious of all, however, is his resolute
and uncanny refusal to adopt the ordinary
methods of communication . For I believe
it is an open secret that Mr. OTHO TWIGG
— mark again the Imperial association of
the name OTHO — his most intimate friend,
has never heard his illustrious colleague
speak in his natural voice.
To me personally MARCELINE has always
been an object of the liveliest interest.
For years the task of fathoming the
secret of his identity and antecedents
baffled my most persistent endeavours.
Night after night I used to attend the
Hippodrome in the hope that some
unguarded gesture, some peculiar timbre
of his whistle might furnish me with
a clue, and at last I was rewarded for
my patience.
I was sitting in the front row of the
arena with my friend Count SCHALKEN-
BACH, the Russian diplomatist, and just
as MARCELINE was turning a somersault
the Count obs?rved, " The news from
the Balkans is rather serious." I noticed
that MARCELINE seemed to totter as he
regained his feet, and following up the
clue that flashed into my brain I softly
whistled the opening bars of the Bul-
garian national anthem. MARCELINE
instantly burst into tears and rushed
from the arena, followed disconsolately
by Mr. OTHO Twice, and refused to
appear again that evening.
the pavement and
quarter of an hour
ela/psed before MAUL-KLINE appeared, clad
in a faultless dress-suit, and entered the
brougham. I should explain that, as
the result of a long training under
Japanese gymnasts, I have acquired the
art of so shrinking into myself that he
sat down beside me without being
conscious of my presence. We drove off
and had got as far as Piccadilly Circus
before I broke the silence.
" Prince," I observed, " we have not
met since the battle of Slivnitza,"
MARCELINE started violently, and in a low
and agonized whistle plainly indicated his
desire that I should respect his incognito.
" Yes," I replied, " on condition that
you explain how it is that from being a
man of six feet high and broad in pro-
portion, you have dwindled to your
present dimensions."
MARCELINE, or Prince ALEXANDER of
Bulgaria, to call him by his true name,
The effort was too great
powers, and, secure of my
began to whistle his answer, but he soon
broke down,
even for his
confidence, he actually broke into speech
for the first time for many years. To
reveal all that he told me would be to
imperil the stability of more than one
crowned head. Suffice it to say that,
when he was kidnapped by the Russians,
the cruel treatment and starvation to
which he was subjected by his captors
reduced his weight from 13 to 8 stone,
and his height from 6 ft. 2 in. to 5 ft.
1 in. On his release he was so absolutely
unrecognisable as to be unable to estab-
lish his identity to the satisfaction of his
subjects, and the Russians readily availing
themselves of the advantage procured a
venal substitute who bore an extra-
ordinary resemblance to Prince ALEXANDER
as he appeared before his removal. This
substitute, in consideration of a handsome
allowance, lived quietly in Austria — where
he died a few years later as Count
HARTENAU — and the real Prince, the hero
of Slivnitza, was obliged to eke out a
subsistence as a circus droll, under the
self-imposed ban of perpetual silence,
relieved by pathetically eloquent sibila-
tion ! But if MARCELINE was thus betrayed
into speech by my extraordinary acumen
he has shown 110 further sign of self-
revelation, relapsing into that impene-
trable silence which is at once the
admiration and despair of his devoted
colleague, Mr. OTHO TWIGG.
PARISIAN GOSSIP.
MR. PINCH, who never goes abroad
without his manual of French conversa-
tion lessons on the famous ( ior IN method,
has felt inspired to add a few simple
exercises of his own, intended while
adhering closely to the methods familiar-
ized by recent publications — to apply
this admirable system still farther to the
homely details of modern life. Samples
follow : —
I. — L'Allnmette -fmnynve.
La unit arrive.
11 fait sombre dans ma chambre.
Je prends une boite d'allumettes.
Je 1'ouvre.
J'y prends une allumetic.
Je referme la boite.
Je frotte 1'allumette contre la boite.
Je la frotte encoiv.
Je continue a la frotter.
L'allumette decharge une odeur
horrible.
Ma chambre est remplie d'un nuage
Je ne puis pas voir ni la boite ni
1'allumette.
Je m'etouffe.
XII. — Le retour de la Burette.
Je marche sur le trottoir.
Je descends sur la chaussee.
Je traverse la chaussee.
Je remonte sur Taut re trottoir.
Je m'assieds sur le trottoir.
Je descends une autre fois sur la
chaussee.
Je m'assieds dans la chaussee.
.le m'etends vers le trottoir.
11 y a trop de passants sur le trottoir.
11 ya trop de voitures sur hi rliaiisseo.
J'avance la jambe droite.
J'avance la jambe gauche.
Je fais un, deux, trois, quatre pas —
et demi.
J'avance toutes les deux jambes a 1;
fois.
Je tombe.'
XX.- -La Glissade.
Je suis au sommet de 1'escalier.
Je m'incline sur la rampe.
Je glisse.
Une, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six
sept, Imit, nenf, dix marches.
J 'arrive an troisieme etage.
Je glisse encore.
J'arrive au deuxieme (etage).
Je glisse encore.
.I'arrive au premier (etage).
Je continue a glisser.
Entendez-vous ? C'est le cauchemar.
J'ai mange hier quelque chose qui mi
fait mal.
Je souffre horriblement.
Mais je ne suis pas au fond d*
1'escalier.
Je suis dans mon lit.
Hroicn. "I SAY, OLD MAX, WHO'S THAT VERY rum ELDERLY LADY vor WF.IIK \v.n.Kixn \vmi-xow SITTIV. n
Smith (tlie impecunious, who lias married money). "Ofl, THAT'S MY WIFE."
Brown. "Youn WIFE! BIT "— (lowering his voice)— " SHE HAS OSLY ONE EYE— AND so AWFU.LY— I BE<I YOI-R rAitnox— BIT "
Smith (pleasantly).'," You NEEDN'T WHISPER, OLD MAN. SHE'S DEAF!"
THE ATOMIC WAIT OF LOVE.
[With reference to Sir OLIVER LODGE'S theory
that each atom of matter consists of many
electrons revolving endlessly and without eon-
tact within its bounds, the Atl/enceum recently
remarked that " the hard of the new day may
croon the loves of the electrons."]
DISDAINFUL DAPHNE turned to flee,
Young EDWIN rose from bended knee ;
No wight before, no other heart,
Had ever felt so keen a smart ;
His riven frame could scarce contain
The pent emotions of his brain,
A\ hidi, straying as emotions must,
Haply embraced a speck of dust ;
And since, however hearts may bleed,
A nice regard for trousers' need
Can batter at the gates of grief,
He flicked it with his handkerchief.
Straightway there smote upon his ears
Mysterious music of the spheres,
Kuril of vibrations far above
Perceptions not attuned by love.
ll rose, it fell, it rose again,
It throbbed with a delicious pain,
Grew shrill with rapture, hoarse with
hate,
d at Ihe last articulate,
"Mortal," it sang, "thou think'st to
The uttermost abyss of woe, [knov
Who yet this blissful instant could
Touch thy fair lady where she stood.
How slow are molecules in mass
To grasp their privilege ! Alas !
List to the tragedy involved
In matter finally resolved,
Condemned to bear this primal curse.
An atom for its universe.
JEons ago, when time was not,
Ere worlds were born, ere suns were hot,
When Space by Form was unalloyed,
Ere even Chaos stained the void,
1 loved ELECTHA. Oh the pace
That 1 developed in the chase,
As round our tiny bounds we flew
Whilst planetary systems grew.
Ages of incandescent gas
We felt them come, we watched them
pass.
Ages of shrinking nebulas — •
They saw me follow, left her free.
Stardust and clusters, Milky Ways,
The birth of suns, the dawn of days.
That miracle, by time evoked,
Atom to atom sweetly yoked,
Found me pursuing rapture missed,
And cov ELECTHA still unkissed.
Cursed be Ihe Scientist who set
Gulfs 'twixt the two xvho else had
met ;
And blest be he who yet shall come
To bridge the sundering medium.
Till then - 0 pity ! wedded bliss
Must wait a fresh hypothesis,
And ceaselessly KI.KITHA dodge
Till Roland OLIVER disLoDGE."
The music ceased. Young KPWIS tinned,
Remorse in I>\IPIIXK'S eye discerned ;
One step, one clasp 1'he wise assert
That Matter, in itself Inert,
Possesses, whatsoe'er it be,
This too- Compressibility.
Be
THE Daily 7W?;/ni/>/( advertises tlio
'ollowing disaster :
" LOST, a Canvas Travelling Ba»r, containing
Suit of Clothes, Japanese Cart, and l>iary."
In case the mislaid vehicle is recover. -d
ve can recommend a pony that should
•xactly fit it. The animal in question
Belongs to tin1 breeding e.-l:il>lisliment
or Shetland jxuiies at (irejil Hollenden
•'arm. and according In the Onlooktr is
duly thirUfii inches high."
242
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 5, 1904.
LIVING HISTORY.
NEWS FROM THE PROVINCES.
BY means of a large crowd of people
carefully grouped and attired in cos-
tumes of the period, a rcconstitution of
die Court life of Louis THE FOURTEENTH
at Versailles is being effected for exhibi-
tion by the cinematograph in French
music-halls.
A number of tableaux of English
historical episodes are now being arranged
for the biograph on similar lines, for
production at one of our halls of variety.
From the " Athelney Advertiser."
Last Wednesday King ALFRED THE
GREAT burning the cakes formed a
realistic scene. The biograph operator
having stationed his instrument in a
swineherd's kitchen at Athelney, Mr.
ALFRED AUSTIN, the Poet Laureate, whose
interest in the great Saxon lawgiver is
so well known, entered, attired fault-
lessly in the garb of the period, and
proceeded with infectious gusto to
enact the historic catastrophe. In-
deed so enthusiastic did our premier
warbler become in the excitement of the
moment that he began to improvise a
lyric, and a gramophone was at once
ordered to be sent by special train from
Bristol to record the inspiration. He
subsequently danced a burnt-cake-walk,
in which he was joined by the swine-
herd's wife (Miss MIMI ST. CYR).
The cakes were furnished by friendly
buzzards.
The fire by the Gas Light & Coke Co.
From the "Berkshire Barker."
Runnymede Island, near Staines, is
Alfre i the Great v'ays a Imnit) cake-walk.
Master Willy Shakspeare (Mr. Hall Caine) bringeth a deere unto Mistress Ann Hathaway
(Miss Marie Corelli).
(Our artist regrets that owing to a sudden return of that unconquerable aversion to publicity
from which Miss Corelli chronically suffers, he has been once more foiled, at the last moment,
in obtaining a likeness of England's greatest authoress.)
Ann Hathaicay of the moment (Miss
for the most part deserted ; but it
presented a very gay sight last week,
when some scores of gentlemen visited
it for the purpose of grouping themselves
as King JOHN and Barons in order that
cinematoscope records of the signing of
Magna Charta might be secured. At a
little table sat the reluctant King,
admirably impersonated by Mr. BALFOUR.
Behind and beside him pressed the
Barons, amongst whom Lords BURTON,
HINDLIP, and other prominent represen-
tatives of the brewing interest were
easily recognised, threatening him with
glowering looks. Meanwhile the cine-
matoscope ticked on, making a most
impressive scene.
Magna Charta supplied by the pro-
prietor of the Great Liver Pills.
Inexhaustible fountain-pen lent by
Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE.
From the "Warwickshire War Cry."
On an afternoon last week the villagers
in the neighbourhood of Charlcote Park,
near Stratford-on-Avon, were thrown
into a state of the liveliest excitement
by the visit of the biograph operator,
intent upon reconstructing a famous
incident in the life of our great drama-
tist. A number of deer, which had been
carefully trained by Mr. HENOLER, were
stationed picturesquely among trees,
and these Mr. HALT, CAINE (kindly lent
by the House of Keys) who made, we
need hardly say, a perfect SHAKSPEARE,
proceeded to steal, conveying the succu-
lent quadrupeds one by one with the
most dexterous surreptitiousness to the
Hathaicay
MARIE CORELLI). As portraits of the last
mentioned lady, who sheds new lustre
on SHAKSPEAHE'S town, are very rare,
great popularity is expected for this
series of views.
The deer lent by the Master of the
Buckhounds.
Costumes designed by Mr. SIDNEY LEE.
From the "Boston (Lincolnshire) Eagle."
Considerable interest has been aroused
in the neighbourhood by the announce-
ment that an enterprising firm of
London photographers have chartered a
sailing-vessel in order to reconstruct, by
the aid of the cinematograph, the land-
ing of the Pilgrim Fathers at Plymouth
Rock. Dr. CLIFFORD and other leading
Passive Resisters have been offered the
principal roles amongst the emigrants,
and it is stated that, if his engagements
permit, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN will arrange to
meet the Colonials on disembarkation
with a view to securing their first offer
of a preference to the mother country.
An adequate supply of life-belts has
been furnished by the Royal Humane
Society, and Mr. CADBURY has generously
presented the Pilgrim Fathers with a
complete outfit accurately copied from
contemporary Puritan fashion plates.
From the "Hastimjs Clarion."
Thanks to the enterprise of a leading
firm of London Bioscopists the inhabi-
tant-! of this town and its environs were
enabled on Friday last to witness an
extraordinarily vivid representation of
OCTOBER 5, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
(lie Battle of Sonlac, as modern lilstorians
have taught us to rail it. The climax of
the engagement was the final onset on
the K.nglish stockade liy Duke Wll.UAM
of Normandy, s|ileniliill.v represented by
Mr. MitoniMoK in a superb suit of khaki,
wearing the Order of the lied Kagle on
the creM of his famous ea| i. and crying
with infinite zest, " Haro ! Haro! IVper
llai-ow!" The Duke's liowmen were
gallantly led liy Mr. Wll.l.l \M AlicllK.lt, to
win mi was de]nited the ])ainfnl duty of
discharging the fatal shaft that pierced
the eye of King HAROLD, tastefully im-
personated by a gentleman whose
extraordinary likeness to Mr. ARNOLD-
KoKsiij; excited general comment. The
pan of the minstrel TAILLEFKK, who rode
into battle tossing his sword and catch-
ing it while he sang, was ably filled by
Signer CINQUEVALLI.
The helmets designed by Mr. BRODRICK
himself.
Bows and arrows supplied by the
War Office.
From the "Coumnj Clarion."
The cinematoscoping of the scene of
the Bards cursing EDWARD THE FIRST
was successfully carried out at Conway
last Monday. " Prominent among the
representatives of the Welsh patriots
were Mr. LLOYD-GEORGE, " MABON," and
Mr. WILKIE BAUD. By way of lending
further significance to the proceedings
an effigy of the English tyrant, made up
to represent Sir WILLIAM Axsox, was
burnt amid the acclamations of the
populace.
Welsh expletives supplied by Mr.
BRYN ROBERTS.
of pictorial post-cards in transit. Theiv
is an ugly rumour aliroad t" the effect
that -.inn.- of the mi»t i-arel'idly selected
eolleclions 'm tin' kingdom are nwneil
liy postmasters.
A pri/e of Cl.'iO has 1 n offered for
a safety lamp suitalile for the Hritish
Workman's home. One imiditioii is
that it should lie possible for till' owner,
when drunk, to throw it from one end
of the room to the other without dangei
of fire. With such a conveiiienre.
will 1)6 home indeed.
A Silent Woman has lieeu di-ei. \eivd
by the Maidenliead magistrates. It is
said that she has already received more
offers of marriage than she knows what
to do with.
The secret of photographing in colours
has again been discovered. We were
getting afraid that this year was going
to be an exceptional one.
Among the novelties shown liy ( 'anada
at the Grocers' Exhibition were canned
eggs. These are guaranteed to keep
good for a year. The orgie of badnett
in which the baffled egg indulges on the
366th day can just be imagined.
CHARIVARIA.
GENERAL LYTTELTON has declared the
lesson of the recent manoeuvres to be
that, we need not worry over the danger
of foreign invasion. We are glad to
hear from one in high authority that the
Navy alone is strong enough to protect
our shores.
" The proudest feather in the caps of
the 'Kilties' is the fact that they created
a furore among the most unmusical
people on the face of the earth— namely,
the people of the United States, says
a writer in a contemporary, and now he
is wondering why he has not pleased
either the Kilties or the United States.
Some surprise has been expressed
because Captain HAMILTON has rejected
a candidate for the Fire Brigade on the
Around of stoutness. We should have
thought the danger of fat in the fire was
recognised long ago.
A correspondent complains, in the
columns of a contemporary, of the loss
Another blow has been struck at
Church attendance. The Dean of
NORWICH has caused great indignation
among a certain section of worshippers
by preaching against the practice of
flirting in church.
Mr W. T. STEAD has paid a visit to
the performance at His Majesty's Theat re.
and we are pleased to hear that, I
once, he was not a pro-Booer.
FIGS AND THISTLES.
" I'M I I ." -aid HIV niece MlJnl . win.
rarely p..t :-.\ l.ul the I
eolumn of my paper. " what '- '
engineered in ,he in- : the
.•an'.' What in a niono-
poh-t. I'M.
" A iiiii,ii>|Mi|i-,." I
one who ha- an exeln-i\e right I" trade
m M. me particular ariii •!•-. It
from the (ini-k fiorot, meami:.
and ir«X«i»
" Mm why shouldn't lln
Muni . " I don't see any harm in '
1 laid aside my bonk. I knew that
the best method i.f inilKirting I
washy ilbislralinn. Hum put the
down and came and -at D "» of
my chair, where there was not ronm f'.r
her.
"Suppose. Hunt ." 1 said, "tta >•"»
went In Kn's for a I.
•• ] ;dw. MVSIUIM'-." put in
MlJnl.
"Well, .\U\iMiNi's, then. Any "lie
you like. And suppose MAVTALIXI'S had
a m.mopoly of blnii- ly elaewaa
allowed to sell them, you know.
MVMAI.INI'S could charge you anything
they liked a guinea or even more and
vim would have to pay."
HI.IOU burst out laughing, and began
pa, ting my check.
-Y lear old t'nde! she said.
Why, that's nothing at all!
mine cost —
(tli, nevermind!" I said rather 11
It is stated that, at the first rehearsal
of The Temr*'*t, a super who took part
in it was sea-sick. We must he grate-
ful, we suppse, in an age of realism 01
the stage, that the management did not
insist on this happening every evi
Messrs. PEARSON have published their
first sixpenny song. Suggested motto M
the series: " Sing a Song of S.xpence.
We think, by-the-by, that too much is
made of this "Musical Rev I
I should not be forgotten that
for a long time past certain hrms have
been publishing twopenny -halfpw
songs.
Sir H H. JOHNSTON is hack from Li-
beri "Ad reports that the country has
a hig state of civ.hsat.on.
\JH, UDl * I llll""1 '
tablv. "Ten guiiu-as twenty a hun-
dred if you like. 1 don't know what
(hen things co*. I'm only supposing.
" Y.I.I might as well suppose I
thing sensible," remarked Hum. But
goon, t"nck about ,hemo,,"i-'li-i-.
"Suppose, then," 1 continued, "that
,hov no! only charged a pivpoM.
pr'uv but made very i-u.r blouses inin
the bargain without m-ert,,
,:1./jmUl ' Y,, M-nuldn't goto nunther
phone.
alter, ,
how I suppoee," K.i.l Mum I reinem-
!'„:;. w hen I was in there a f-w days ago
I heard a woman ask
"Mnt if they wouldn t alter it.
nten.<.-.-d " If ll"'v <li(1 -vou n>U8t P0>"
e Wand take it as it was, or go
IviVhou, a Mouse at *-
,,,,,1,1,,'t go anywhere else?
'
ou ,,n, they wouldn't," said B.|».;.
Thert.'s suel, a ni,v man i
TAI.lNl's."
There wa- a rligh. pans...
.•(ih.Buoi. 1 said sadly. 1
von r.-ally can't understand.
about mono|-.lists as >»u
bli.u-i-." -I"1 «"•
2H
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 5, 1904.
QUID PRO QUO.
Ufa
Farmer'* Wife. "YKs, SIR. BUT IN LONDON WHAT vor LOSE ON THE FISH YOU GAIN ON THE EGGS."
Jlroirn (xlaiinHjat a farm-house for Ids summer holulays). "I LIKE YOUR EGOS, MRS. CHERITON ; BUT FISH IN THE COUNTRY OFTEN HAS
SI < II A STKt )N(! FLAVOUR.
A SONG OF THE OPEN ROAD.
(After Walt Whitman's poem of the same, name.}
STARTING eagerly, T come to the Open Road.
Viens, ma ehei-e ! it is an important public thoroughfare.)
More me is a formidable barricade of planks and rope, and
a steeply escarped mound.
Beyond lies a gaping fosse, deeply dug out,
No ! this is not Port Arthur; it i's London, and a chief arterv
of traffic.)
Brawny delvcrs heave shovelfuls of dark brown earth from
bejow, at slow and measured intervals, between lengthy
pulls at cans of some white metal.
Give me your hand, camarado, you are evidently working bv
the hour, and not at piecework.)
iVhieh way gots London's congested traffic? Have vou no
buses running east and west? no motors? no bicycles?
Are there no heavy vans to block progress in the busiest
time of the day ?
\h ! they have gone round some half mile, by way of the
Embankment and small side streets
Other roads have I also seen in passing, roped in with cords
^_ and iron rods -their turn will come after.
' iens, ma chere,
(Can yon leap a ten-foot chasm, or
jilank bridge?)
We will cross the road.
walk an oigliteen-inch
Election Intelligence.
Lady (after doing a little canvattiny). You know you are
entitled to a vote. Are you on the register?
YoM. 1 'm sure I don't know, Miss.
Linhj. Well, have you ever given your name in ?
Yokel. No, Miss. I ain't never give my name to no one ;
'cept to schoolmaster, time o' the Coronation feed.
A ONK POUND XOTK.- The I/inn MAYOR has been fre-
quently described as "a King within his own dominions
east of ancient Temple Bar." Now, as has been shown by the
cordially unanimous vote last week, the LORD MAYOR elect, who
enters on his duties nest month, is a brand-new Sovereign.
being One Pound, sterling, uncommonly sterling. This
Sovereign, once invested with the Mayoralty, won't be
changed for a who'.e year, and there is no doubt that the
City and Corporation of London will receive full value for
the Pound that imii-t last them for the next twelve months.
PUNCH, OR THE LoNlxiN ( 1IAK1VAKI. Ooraa 5 ;
"THE RETURN OF THE NATIVE
"
-»B HE COKE? THAT, 00,,; , ,-VT "--g
ANYHOW. I'M CO^'1 1!At ]
MASTERS OF FENCE.
THE AUTUMN POLITICAL TOURNAMENT OPENS WITH A QBEAT SWORD AND DAGGER FIQHT BETWEEN TOO n.v I.H> ,,t MMIV n...v.
THE COMPLETE JOURNALIST.
[At the conference of the Institute of Jour
ualists recently held in Glasgow, Mr. A. *
BOBBINS warned the public against illusory
advertisements designed to attract unwarj
aspirants to journalistic fame, and referred in
particular to one which announces that for a
fee of £5 anyone who can read and write can
at once become not merely a Journalist but i
brilliant Journalist, capable of taking the mos
exalted position in the profession.]
IN the realms of gold I 've wandered,
Culling pearls and precious stones —
Thus in pleasing fashion pondered
VERA SOPHONISBA JONES. —
Prizes I have won past telling ;
Teacher always thought me quick
At the arts of writing, spelling,
Reading and arithmetic.
Thus my early steps meandered
Round the sweet Pierian pool ;
First I passed the highest standard
At the Balham Public School ;
Then, with ardour undiminished,
Higher glories still I won
Till the Tooting Poly, finished
What the Board School had begun.
Then u mighty point was mooted :
\\ Inch, I wondered, was the line
Most particularly suited
To the talents which were mine?
Duties coarse and low and menial
Filled with loathing all my soul,
Nor were counters more congenial
Thau the vile domestic role.
Other girls in ruthless fetters
Might be doomed to pass the day
Typing sordid business letters
With a pittance for their pay ;
My aspiring soul revolted
From this slavish sort of thing ;
Pegasus had not yet moulted
Every feather from his wing.
While I wondered, darkly troubled.
Which profession would be best.
On a sudden joy-springs bubbled
Gurgling gaily in my breast ;
Fast my pulses beat and faster
Till the heart within me laughed
For a fiver I could master
All the journalistic craft.
Just the life my soul had pined for !
Clearly I began to see
I was certainly designed for
Journalism, fair and free.
Thus my gifts should not be wasted,
Nor my life be turned to gall —
Straightway to the School I hasted
And deposited my all.
There with diligence I studied
For a busy month or more,
Till my very soul was Hooded
Peep with journalistic I
I'itiiinii was my ruling passion.
And my fingers learui the trick
As they flew iu nimble fashion
O'er the keyboard of my Hlick.
Now I 'm ready for my readers,
And 1 sigh for |MMI and ink ;
0 ! to dasli off brilliant leader-
Teaching millions what to think !
-Matchless services I proffer,
Anil I think it only fair
To expect the speedy offer
Of an editorial chair.
Mr. Punch's Proverbial Philosophy.
FACIS are .-tubl>orn tilings, lint nothing
i comparison to a woman's fai,
There are those who do ill for wealth
ud blush to find it fame.
The man who is "a good fellow in his
ay " is often in our way too.
It is better to be born lucky than
ich; but, perhaps, on the whole, it ia
jest to avoid being lx>rn at all.
Happy is the man that findeth wisdom
but lie mii-t Ix; content to be happy
ohe.
Trifles matter; a sorrow's crown of
irrow is rememlx'riiig tuppenny things.
248
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 5, 1904.
THE PLEASURES OF IMACINATIOH.
THE riding-lights of a hundred yachts
twinkled in a long line across the bay.
The waiting boats' crews on the jetty
were making furtive excursions into the
Marine Hotel, for it was getting near
closing time. Outside the bar a yellow-
haired damsel with a mandolin and a
well-worn voice recited some lines on the
futility of unrequited affection :
" Wot is the yewse — of luvvin' — a gel — if the
gel don't luv yew tew ? . . ."
The dinghy was alongside the steps,
and I was only waiting for GEORGE.
was getting anxious about him. He had
insisted upon coming ashore to do some
shopping, though with a want of can-
dour quite rare in him he had refused to
reveal the nature of his requirements.
In fact he had not been himself all day.
By the morning's post had arrived a
letter from the only girl in the world,
and his face had fallen as he read it.
He had even, to my amazement, made a
remark uncomplimentary to the writer
of it.
I had not had the pleasure of meeting
this lady, but during GEORGE'S sojourn
with me in the Nepenthe I had heard a
good deal about her. I knew, for
instance, that she was very beautiful, and
that her intellect was far above the
average ; that though endowed with a
sense of humour unusual in her sex she
was uncommonly serious for her age ;
that she was severely domesticated,
besides being a thorough sportswoman :
and that in every one of the fine
arts, but especially in music, she had
attained a level of accomplishment much
above that of the mere amateur. If, as
I believed, the letter foreboded the
blighting of GEORGE'S hopes with regard
to so extraordinary a creature, I was
surely justified in feeling anxious as to
the consequences.
" Wot if she 's fair beyond all compare, and wot
if her eyes are blew,
Wot is the yewse — of luvvin' — a gel — if the
gel do — on't— luv yew? "
I paced up and down the jetty, trying
to formulate a satisfactory answer to
this exasperating query. I had indeed
partly succeeded, when I caught sight
of GEORGE hurrying down to meet me.
I -devoutly hoped he might not catch the
drift of the ditty as he passed : but hi:
heart was evidently responsive to an
echo of its own pain. He paused, and
waited underneath a gas-lamp until the
damsel repeated the refrain. Then he
gave her money. My worst fears were
confirmed. Her eyes, I suddenly remem-
bered, were blue. Poor GEORGE ! He
had told me so only a day or two before
" GEORGE, my boy," I began gravely
holding out my hand, ostensibly to pul
him into the boat, but really to assure
lim of my sympathy, "GEORGE, my boy,
tis better —
" ' Better Lite than never.' I know ! '
said GEORGE, as he sat down in the stern.
This blatant optimism was, I felt sure,
i mere blind. He then proceeded to
account for his lateness by saying he
lad had great difficiilty in finding the
shop he wanted.
" Not a chemist's shop, GEORGE ? " I
ilurted out, as a dreadful thought struck
me.
" Try again," said GEORGE ; " whatever
made you think of that? "
" I hardly supposed," I replied eva-
sively, " that other shops would be open
this hour."
" They mostly live over their shops
liere," said GEORGE. " I've got what I
wanted right enough."
His determination had clearly been
qual to rousing some tradesman from
the retirement of his back parlour. I
plied the sculls in silence, and was try-
ing to think of an innocent motive that
might drive a man to so desperate a
remedy, when we arrived alongside the
Nepeiithe. GEORGE stood up. By the
light that came through the cabin
scuttle I descried half-an-inch of a shin-
ing metal tube sticking out of his
breast-pocket.
"GEORGE," I said severely, "you've
been buying a pistol ! "
" Wrong again ! " he said, with a
mocking laugh, as he sprang on board.
We soon turned in, and never before
had GEORGE'S snoring given me such a
sense of relief.
I was awakened in the early morning
by a sound as of birds twittering just
overhead. I thought I must be dream-
ing, as we were lying a good half mile
from the shore. Sitting up to listen,
my eyes fell iipon GEORGE'S bunk. It
was unoccupied. With the thoughts of
the previous evening crowding upon my
returning consciousness, I rushed up
the ladder and looked out on deck.
There was no one there. The blush of
dawn still lingered over sea and sky,
and ashore the houses, smokeless and
silent, presented to the eye only a
monotony of drawn blinds. Not a living
thing was to be seen. A quick glanc<
at the dinghy still fastened astern
assured me that GEORGE had not landed.
Alas ! there was but one other alternative.
GEORGE had jumped overboard !
"Wot is the yewse — of luvvin — a gel — if the
gel....;>
Surely my mind was becoming un-
hinged— else why should that mysterious
whistling as of birds overhead resolve
itself into an attempt to reproduce the
notes of the yellow-haired damsel's song
— truly, a very sorry, jerky attempt,
but still — I looked \\p. Seated com-
fortably on the crosstrees was GEORGE,
thoughtfully practising on the penny
whistle. " GEORGE ! " I gasped.
" Hallo ! " he said. " Toy symphony-
great rot — next week— She-who-must-be-
obeyed— so musical, you know. Thought
I could work it without disturbing you
— awfully sorry, old man ! "
A SNAPPED TIE.
I M.VER woo'd thee, love of mine,
Nor ever called thee fair ;
These ardent lips ne'er quested thine
To seek love's guerdon there ;
And yet 1 felt, with sudden thrill
Of mingled joy and fear,
That we were linked, for gixjd or ill,
That morning on the pier.
Alas ! my heart, with sorrow racked,
Must evermore bewail
The stern and melancholy fact
That fishing-lines are frail.
With me remains a broken heart,
With thee, as souvenir,
The broken hook I saw depart,
That morning, on the pier.
SHAKSPEARE ON THE LIVE WIRE.
SIR, — Though it must not be supposed
from the above title that SHAKSI-EARK was
a precursor of BIXWDIN, yet nowhere is
his intelligent anticipation more dis-
played than in those allusions which
prove him to have been keenly sensible
to the dangers lurking in the live wire.
In Jfumli't, for instance, he refers to
" the tliniiKiniil >t(il in-ill N/HH-/.-X that flesh
is heir to," and adds, " 'Tis a consumma-
tion devoutly to be wished." There is
here evidence of dyspeptic melancholy,
as if the prospect of contact with the live
wire were eminently desirable. A yam
(ibid.), "When we have shuffled off this
mortal coil." This is a facetious reference
to the falling of overhead trolley wires.
In another part of the soliloquy we
read, "'Their currents turn awry,"
which is an obvious allusion, somewhat
clumsily expressed, to the necessity of
making the wire harmless.
Students of LVVT«IR will remember a
passage in which the poet refers to him-
self as a solid bar of metal, and com-
plains of imitators who draw it out into
a thin wire and dissipate its force : " I
am the bar from which they draw their
wire." By an ingenious correction of
the printer this line was made to run,
" I am the bar from which they draw
their wine." A converse error seems to
have crept into a passage in Othello,
where Caxsio says, " 0 thou invisible
spirit of trine ... let us call thee
devil." " Wine " is of course a printer's
error ; " wire " was evidently in the
Bard's mind, " spirit of wire " being a
euphonious periphrasis for electricity. —
Yours, ONCE SHOCKEI>, TWICT. SHY.
o. I..P.KI: '), 1904.]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CII.MMVAIM
I
a
u
2
£}
O
z
bJ
H: ?
?i
5S
Is
250
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 5, 1904.
A MATTER OF DIET.
"You'im looking pale," said Miss
MKNTOK sharply.
" Yes," I replied, "I 've been working
too hard."
" 1'ooh ! " said Miss MKNTOK ; "you Vo
been eating too much ! "
Of course if anyone else said that
to me it would be the end of everything,
but I am as much under Miss MENTORS
thumb now as 1 was at school when she
made me her butt in class and her
favourite out of it. Miss MENTOR leaned
forward in her chair, and fixing me
with her eye said dramatically-
" Live on sixpence a day, and live
li I .orally."
"I couldn't do it ! " I cried, j
" You could — without
monotony and without stint.
I 've done it myself. One
merely has to discover the
point where normal appetite
ends and gluttony begins.
Having discovered that, I have
improved my health, halved
my expenses and doubled my
banking account. Of course,"
she said, tossing her gaunt
chin, "looks have no weight
with me."
" Of course," I assented.
" Looks," she repeated with
evident annoyance, " I have
always risen superior to — but
I have yet to be told mine are
impaired."
" Improved ! " I exclaimed
heartily.
"So I am led to suppose,"
she remarked more genially.
" You will remember, from my
lectures on Proteidsand Carbo-
hydrates, which foodstuffs are
essential to repair the wear
and tear of the body ? "
I looked down and fiddled
with my rings.
" What ! " she cried sternly, " have
you forgotten, my special classes on
Fibrin, Gluten, and Albumen ? "
" Oh no, Miss MENTOR," I replied, " I
remember them well ! " And indeed I
did, and the fun we used to have at
them.
" Captain's biscuits at 3d. a pound,"
she said, " steamed and eaten with
pepper and lettuce, form an ample and
satisfying meal. Pickled eggs, contain-
ing many flesh-forming qualities, may
be purchased at 6(7. a dozen. Brains,
fried or fricasseed, are wonderfully nutri-
tious at a cost of 2d. a set."
" How cheap ! " I cried.
" Not necessarily," she replied ; " it
depends on the quality. Some would
be dear at the price." Was it fancy, or
did she look in the direction of my head ?
Gradually, step by step, she unfolded
the scheme, and my cheeks burned and
my eyes sparkled as the full magnifi-
cence of the simpler life dawned upon
me. With my f<xxl at Ctrl, a day, the
world was at my foot, and that tantalis-
ing she3t of plate-glass need no longer
separate me from the set of moleskin
furs I brooded daily over in " Wearing's "
window.
" Promise me you will give it a week's
trial ? " said Miss MF.MOK. and I promised
with a full heart and tried to thank her
for giving me the great opportunity of
my life. She also was much moved, and
pecked my cheek with unusual fondness,
and then she left mo so
and excited I hardly know
wrought up
how to wait
broke front tooth and
Neighbours knocked
doubt get to like them). Sweet omelette
(omelette a little queer, egg not quite
pickled enough). Sat up rather late, in
case sample man should return. Total
cost, Gd.
TUESDAY. Break faxl. Glass of water,
captain's biscuit toasted, poached pickled
egg. During morning remembered satis-
fying qualities of raw cocoanut. Bought
one for lid., a bargain, cost man 3%d. in
market. Throw it about room for
upwards of an hour; found shell un-
breakable but wonderful bouncer; nearly
smashed clock,
on wall. Gave it
up and had early lunch.
Lunch. Class of milk. Kipper saute.
Captain's biscuit baked.
Hunted up old adventure book
dealing with privations of
braves on prairie. Found
they eased pangs with tobacco
and tightening their bolts.
Tightened mine two holes.
Have done this before on
drossy occasions, but never
with such increased feelings
of comfort. Bought cigarettes
(three a penny), smoked two,
and felt decidedly less hungry.
Four o'clock, tea and shrimp
j (found it in fish-boy's basket
when ho brought kipper). In-
tercepted sample man in next
street, accepted small packet,
which on return home proved
to be Globe Polish. Smashed
cocoanut with dumb-bell;
found the inside a greenish
brown and most unpleasant.
Fear man was swindled at
market. Cried a little.
] tinner. — Thick oxtail, cod-
fish and oyster sauce, beef-
steak and kidney pudding,
mast chicken and sausages,
apple pie, banana cream,
maraschino jelly, coffee,
for the morrow and the dawn of the , Wanted beefsteak and kidney" pudding
simpler life. back after coffee, but feared waiter—
An extract from my diary will suffice made up with chocolates and preserved
to describe subsequent events : — fruits.
MONDAY. Breakfast .—Glass" of water, WEDNESDAY. —Heard Miss MENTOR'S
steamed captain's biscuit, pepper and knock and slipped out at back door,
lettuce. (Forgot top of pepper-pot was
loose.) Enjoyed meal with exception of
captain's biscuit. Started out for long
country walk, took wrong turning and
found myself opposite "Wearing's"
window. ' Must have pelerine taken
up on shoulders.
iMncli.— Captain's biscuit (tried it
dry), glass of milk, compote of water-
cress and bloater paste. Watched
sample man distributing packets of
cocoa on opposite side of road, but he
went off with friend before he reached
here. Think his employer should be
told.
Dinner. — Fricasseed brains (shall no
["The 'Brodrick ' Cap is to be replaced."— Daily Paper.]
TOMMY ATKINS, HOWEVER, MUST NOT BE UNW;LY ELATED BY THE NEWS.
TflE ABOVE DESIGNS Bt VARIOUS PROMINENT OFFICIALS ARE, WE BELIEVK,
SAFELY PIGEON-HOLED AT THE WAR OFFICE, AWAITING THE CHANCK Id
EARN UNDYINf! FAME FOR THEIR INGENIOUS INVENTORS.
SCENE — Barrack Square, after inspection
of arms. <it iclticlt the Company's
Commander has been examining W«
men's rifle-bores u-'ith tlic aid of tlic
little reflector irhicli is commonly
dropped into tlic breech for this
purpose,
Primte Atkins (who has been checked
for a dirty rifle).
fine ! The Orficer
'Ere, it's all bally
'e comes an' looks
down the barrel with a bloomin' mikero-
scope, and the privit soljer 'e 'as to
clean 'is rifle with 'is naked heye !
(Vl'oBEK 5, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.
SHOULD MOTORISTS WEAli
MASKS?
["Plus do lunettes sjii'ciales pour MM. li's
Imiillrnrs. Us devront conduire eomme les
•c ichors ordinaires a youx nus ou avec les
unettes ordinaires de myopes ou de presbytes.
los sportsmen declarent que ces lunettes de
notoristes favorisent I'anonymat. Ces lunettes
jut do veritables masques. On fait sous ce
masque ce qu'on n'oserait pas faire a visage
lecouvert. En France il est defendu de se
masquer en dehors du temps de carnaral . . .
si le masque tombe, la vitesse des
motors deviendra fatalement nor-
male." — M. N. de Noduwez in tlte
' Times " of September 20.]
motor-car in the l>niry Line panto, I
found I wanted not only goggles, but
knee-pads, chat-protectors, liu-ilr-, ;mi|
funny-bone guards as well. 1 should
think a false face ir<i« necessary ' Mv
word ! "
Mr. CHARLES JAHROTT replies:— "Of
course motorists should wear ma4.
let's be fair to the humblest pedestrian
or cyclist— these should all go masked
as well. We should then never know
• li.ui M.IJ.
of an armoured ear.
inscription, Iran-lated. i ,
'
IIononre<l
/'„,„•(, ' It,
from this Our !•
validity and render it Inmin.
sun and moon !' llial the c.irl of >!
forms a very e
wliole ,.f ( hir
( >nr countenance onK . .In
trouble, in (hir ciu
\oii \vell. i r|ual to ln-a\.
1
,|,, :
AN ANTICIPATION.
earth? !
tliis country.]
Mi). PUNCH has collected a
'e\v brief opinions upon the
subject of the above-quoted
etter.
Mr. K IPLIXG writes :
'Tlirough dirt, sweat, burns,
jiirsts, smells, bumps, break-
lo\vns, and explosions I have
ittained to the perfect joy of
lie scorcher. I have suffered
nuch on the southern British
lighways. My Tibetan devil-
Mask shall therefore add to
:heir terrors. Besides, I wore
jig-lamps at school. What
lo they know of Sussex who
only Burwash know ? "
Mr. BKKiiiiOHM TREE tele-
phones: "The most, beautiful
if all arts is that of make-up.
We i -an not all resemble Call-
ban, but why should not the
motorist aspire in that direc-
tion? Life is but a masque,
and all roads lead to His
.Majesty's."
Miss Mum: CORKLI.I tele-
graphs : " I am all for anony-
mity and everything that
tends to the avoidance of ad-
vertisement. If people must
ride in motors, let them have
the decency to disguise them-
selves as effectually as possi-
ble, and shun all contact with
their kind."
Mr. JEM SMITH, cabdriver, iu
the course of an interview,
said : — " Masks ? Not 'arf !
L"t 'em out on the Fifth of November,
and throw a match in their oil-tanks —
that 's what, / 'd do! I'd anonymous
the lot of 'em ! "
"A .Middle aged Lady of Quality"
(who does not otherwise sign her letter)
writes : " As my nose goes blue and
my face gets generally all the colours of
the rainbow (luring a smart spin on my
motor, I would rather not have my
personal appearance described by any
lady journalist on the prowl, and there-
fore prefer to render myself uniden-
tifiable."
Mr. 1>\\ LK\O gives his opinion
thus : — " Mv word ! When I drove a
i.sgEL Mods a
[It has been suggested that the law recently ]>;i".-<l in America \\irele~n mcooqgt fn.s
forbidding the wearing of hideous masks should !*• intrml. • \rlhiir > i'l Cliifii1
masked all n>\ batteries, and
am reduced to firing M/i-«
linl.«/ll.r.v. Please send II*
some rood-hogB. They would
• ii-ii thankfully, a- HI
running very short of ^nkiiikn.
So long I/" .x|- ulilli .
I'olieeman XX. lin the n'Ji-
of a lalxmrvr In-hind a I
on the Hrighton I.'iud :
are yon a-gettin' at '.' 1
nv mote in my eyeV If
yon want to know the time,
I \e a Mop-watch ! "
/'.-('. .1 1. "Now THKN, OFF wmi iini imukiiui: MISK!"
Motorist. "Tins IPS'T A MASK!"
whom we were running down, and could
not be accused of animus in the matter
of singling out any special individual
m ._ . * *'
for our attentions.
King ALFONSO favours us witli tin-
following gracious and autograph res
ponse— "As I have just paid £600
two Paris cars 1 mean to use them, in
spite of what old MAI HA. the Premier
says He is a rotter, and is jolly well
mistaken if he thinks 1 am going
hidemv Bourbon nose from any Haive-
* 1 • , "VT_ _ ->r,L-n fi-vt* liii- '
lona anarchist.
No masks for me!
• VOKI. HKY."
The Sultan of MOKOCO, forwards a
picture post-card, represent n
LITKKAb'Y t;n>s||>.
It is riimonre<l that Hr.
\l\\\\ is about to publish a
story partly derived from Mr.
ClitK-M.n's .1 Mil-kit Mini ft rif
and partly from .Mr. Hun:u t
Tin' Little- Miiiiflu: ll will
be called Tin' U'.v .V.niix/n/.
A gn-at demand i- antici-
pated for Ceneral Ki i
KIN'S new volume, which
be entitled. H"ir In /,,•,!/ ./ny>/-i/
tlunnjli Inii-rii'il.
Considerable NIC
attended Ailmiral T>M.O'S ./. Iml
in the ti<-ld of ilr.imatic liteta
lure. His hair rais.-r. entitle'!
/'..»•( (/'.Irt/n/r. is having an
iinex|»i-letlly long run in tin
Kast Kml.
Tin- King of luu
to have n-ceived a gi
letter from Mr. <ii ^ H«'1IIHV, wl
presses his appreciation of tin- |«-r-oii:i
coinpliinent implied by the inclusion of
among the infant Prince's cliri-
tian
MK.SMIS. IlriciiiNsi'N annonnce "a new
novel by the INMI of HITA, with th<' till-
"
,,f Tin-
WMIIIIII: -1
tin
//»• l'<;,k I'ntintru"; ami make
further interesting disclosure that " tli.
scene of the story is laid in Derbyshire.
TIIK'OHI.KU. nv KII.-K "Wanted, Kit
chen Porter, with g<»xl expri
in tin- " Ir'inh Tii'
252
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 5, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
COMING back from a week in Surrey, whose leaf y lanes
and ancient highways he has surveyed from the point of
vantage of the box-seat on a 40-h.p. Mercedes, my Baronite
finds on his table The Compete Motorist
(METHUEN). The title is audacious, but Mr.
FILSON YOUNG justifies its use. Not since
the motor-car became a part of daily life
in this country has there been produced so
thorough and comprehensive an account of
its evolution, construction, and use. Thorough
master of the subject, Mr. YOUNG has the gift
of dealing witli its intricacies in luminous manner suitable to
the minor intelligence of the layman. In successive chapters
he deals with the petrol car, the steam car, and eke the
electric car. He gives valuable hints on the selection of a
car, on its care, and on the art of driving. In brief, up to
date he leaves nothing more to be said on a subject whose
social and business interest spreads from week to week.
Among a packet of letters written to the author by various
experts and enthusiasts is one from RUDYARD KIPLING, which
happily defines the real joy of motoring as " the exploration
of this amazing England. To me it is a land full of stu-
pefying marvels and mysteries, and a day in the car in an
English county is a day in some fairy museum where all the
exhibits are alive and real." So says my Baronite, fresh
from Surrey in rare September summer weather.
L. T. MEADE dedicates Love Triumphant (FiSHEK UNWIN)
to G. F. WATTS, R.A., whose " well-known picture inspired
the name," though it has not quite succeeded in successfully
inspiring the novelist, who acknowledges a certain indebted-
ness for " the primary idea of this story, and for much that is
best in its subsequent development, to my friend PHILIP
HOPE." It is therefore the author himself who directs us to
Hope for the best. But it must be confessed that, if the
foregoing frank acknowledgment does not seem to leave
much of L. T. MEADE'S work open to criticism, yet the
Baron is of opinion that the writer, nominally responsible
for the story as a whole, is entitled to a mead of praise.
So interesting is the prologue that the reader expects great
things from the story ; but in this expectation, although
the latter is founded upon a good if not particularly
original basis, the reader is doomed to disappointment.
The characters soon become tiresome, and the meagre plot
is tediously, because discursively, worked out. Call in the
Chief Baron's friends, Master Skipper and Mate Skimmer,
to assist the unpractised novel-reader, and these two eminent
experts will appreciate Lore Triumphant at its just value.
The British Isles, as depicted by two artists, each eminent
in his own particular line, namely Messrs. Pen and Camera,
is the'title of a volume, handsomely bound and most effec-
tively got up, published by Messrs. CASSELL & Co. It
is very fully illustrated, not only with engravings of all
degrees of excellence and every variety of size, but this feast
for the eye is also furnished with a choice service of daintily
coloured plates, the sight of which whets the appetite for
excellent pabulum provided in the letterpress. As a book
of reference it will be most welcome to the experienced tra-
veller, and ought to act as an incentive to the British tourist
who has yet to make the acquaintance of the land he lives in.
My Nautical Retainer offers the heartiest congratulations to
Mr. ST. JOHN" HAXKIN on his brilliant little volume, Lost Master-
pieces and other Verses (CONSTABLE). As almost all these
parodies and some of the " other Verses " have appeared in
his own pages, it would savour too much oi' self-praise if Mr.
Punch were to say all that he thought about their merits.
He will therefore avail himself of the testimony of an unbiassed
observer, who seems to have paid to Mr. HANKIN'S work the
une involuntary compliment that ZEUXIS paid to the curtain
in the picture by PARRHASIUS. To give a greater plausibility
to his title, Mr. HAXKIN represents these Lost Masterpieces of
Verse as part of the collection of a certain CYRUS P. TUCKETT,
millionaire of Chicago ; and so close are the imitations that
they would appear to have imposed upon no less astute a
connoisseur than the critic of the Daily Graphic. "Mr.
HAXKIN," says he, "or rather Mr. CYRUS P. TCCKETT, has got
hold of some remarkable gems of hitherto unpublished poetry,
and in most cases there seems to be no reason to doubt their
authenticity .... Of the two fragments from the pen of
Mr. KIPLING, one of them, 'Marching Orders,' we think we
have heard before." Eulogy can no further go.
The other verses, though some of them are based on
themes that have lost their immediate poignancy, were well
worth preserving for their gaiety and scholarly technique.
If this little book does not pretend to cover a very wide
range of humanity, or make a very catholic appeal to general
experience, its virtues of craftsmanship are still strong enough
to earn for Mr. HANKIN a place among the very best writers of
light verse.
Politics for the Pocket (a good honest poacher's pocket) is
an anonymous brochure, published by G. P. PITNA.M'S So\s.
It provides instruction, by Two Who Know, for the incipient
statesman. It abounds in strenuous fun, directed with
admirable impartiality at both sides, and therefore likely to
give annoyance to neither. Labouring in a rather well-worn
field, and in an age when most good things have been said long
ago, the authors have achieved a more than decent measure
of originality. Among the best of many happy ideas is the
announcement of a work by Mr. SWIFT MAcNEILL, catalogued
as, "John Bull as he really is (Limp calf)."
Australia sends us a real good novel in Sisters (Hi'Tciiixsi >x i.
It is a study of divers types of womanhood, and \\>\
CAUHKUX:E proves to be a mistress of the art. The story
opens in Australia, making us acquainted with the manner
of life of varied classes of colonists, from the aristocratic
Pennyeuiks to the Breem family of drapers. Between the
two rolls a sea of prejudice wider and deeper than that which
exists in this country between a belted Karl and a wholesale
tea-dealer. Deborah Pennycuik is a fine character, standing
out in magnificent contrast with the littlenesses of her sisters.
On the whole a fresh breezy book, which my Baronite recom-
mends to any in search of a novel with some novelty.
If it 's a good title you want, here it is in Tin- Lcuyue of
the Leapnrd (JoHN Lox<;J, by
HAROLD BIXDLOSS. The story
commences well, and then, owing
to the author's evident anxiety
to work out his plot by deve-
lopment of character, it becomes
wearisome. The title suggests
powerful dramatic action and
sensation, but 'tis "not there,
not there, my child." Should
the reader summon to his aid
the ever nimble Master Skipper,
he may arrive with some satis-
faction at the finish.
THE
BARON
DE
TELLING HITS, HIT NOT KHOM MARKS-HEX. — The Ramsgate and
Margate fishermen, hitherto considered by Mr. M\I:KS
as net gains for his candidature, are, it seems, likely to
regard him as a queer fish and as not promising to be a greal
catch for them. Some telling lilts, made in speeches by one
of the most influential of the Ramsgate electors, must be to
Mr. MARKS as Wei-gall and Wormwo id.
OCTOBER 12, 1904.]
FASHION NOTES FROM
CHAPEL.
(Delayed in publication.)
DEAR ELIZA, — Whitechapel is begin-
ning to fill up again, and several parties
are already back from the hop-picking.
One of the first to arrive was Mr. HEXRY
HAWKINS, whom I saw in the New Cut
yesterday, looking very well and brown.
He told me that hops have been very
plentiful this year, and that his party
got several excellent bags.
I also ran across Mr. " BILL " SYKES in
the neighbourhood of Bow Street a day
or two ago, but we were not able to
speak to one another. He was fresh
back from a hurried visit to Lady VERB
DE VERB'S mansion, where he had been
inspecting some old silver. You know
he has a perfect passion for it. It seems,
however, that he was only passing
through town, and left that same even-
ing for Pentonville, where he expects to
make a protracted stay. By the way,
they tell me that hair is being worn
rather short there just now.
Saturday last was a very busy day.
In the afternoon there were the usual
Hampstead Races, which were attended
by an exceptionally brilliant crowd.
Mr. "PET" HOGGINS tooled down a large
party in his smart turn-out, and subse-
quently his gallant steed carried him to
victory in the Hampstead Cup amid
scenes of immense enthusiasm. After a
recherche tea at a neighbouring winkle
stall, his whole party hurried back to a
delightful al fresco dance in Hopper's
Court. When I tell you that the music
was supplied by Signer BARRELLI ORGANO
and the supper arrangements were made
by the " Dun Cow," you will understand
that the dance was quite one of the
successes of the season.
At about this period of the year our
husbands and brothers leave us for the
Autumn Manoeuvres. Rumour says that
the Clerkenwell Brigade is unusually
strong this year, and has shaped ex-
ceedingly well in two or three engage-
ments in the Euston Road. But they
will have to be strong indeed if they are
to stand up against our stalwart forces
from the Mile End Road, who have been
completely re-armed this year with a
new pattern in buckle belts.
M. GALLOWSKI has just come over, and
is staying at his shooting booth not a
hundred miles from Epping Forest for
the shooting. He has the reputation of
being one of the best shots in Russia,
and he gave evidence of his skill the
other night by bringing down a high
glass bottle and a rocketing celluloid
ball with a right and left.
"What is SAMUEL SOLOMONS making
this year?" is the question one is almost
tired of hearing asked by the large and
daily increasing number of elegantes
1
2 A.M.
'kT
oi
"SLEEP, GENTLE SLEEP!"
PORTRAIT OF A' GENTLEMAN WHO ATTENDED THE BRASS BAUD COHTEST AXD FESTIVAL
AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE.
who pin their faith to the good taste
and modistic knowledge of the deus ex
machind behind the doors of that temple
of fashion, 796, Old Kent Road. As a
matter of fact, what SAMUEL SOLOMONS
says to-day the world of fashion will say
to-morrow, and at present he is saying
most decidedly purple with just a splash
of orange. He showed me the sweetest
little creation in these tones when I
visited his salon the other day. Pre-
eminently graceful is the cut of the jupe,
which is rather short in front to allow a
tantalising glimpse of dainty bottints,
which, by the way, are now being worn
with elastic sides. The semi-fitting coat
had a rather deep baiqw>, and was
adorned with a thousand dainty fan-
frduches such as mother-o'-pearl buttons.
Worn with a Gainsborough hat and a
chale-de-laine it should
chic.
Yours ever,
look ineffably
HARRIET.
"THE BEST WILL DJ THE WORLD."—
SHAKSPEARE.
VOL. CXXVII.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 12, 1904.
THE PEOPLE'S SPORT.
"Ll'DUM INSOIJOTEM I.UDERE PERTINAX."
[There seems to be a great opening for a new daily paper which will
efuse to report professional football.]
THAT man has surely something wrong inside—
A fractious liver or a frigid heart—
Who in the people's pleasure takes no pride,
But stands in lofty attitudes apart,
Quite unimpressed
By what immediately concerns the general breast.
Myself, whenever, walking down the street,
I ask what moves him most, the Man therein,
I feel my pulses bounding, beat for beat,
In strictest time with those that toil and spin ;
I could not bear
To think that in their joys and griefs I had no share.
On opening nights, among the gallery-folk,
I like to echo every thrill and throb,
To laugh in tune with such as see a joke
And souse my handkerchief with such as sob ;
And, when it 's through,
Rise up in god-like wrath and boo with those that boo.
In time of war I maffick with the crowd,
And boast of good old England's fighting breed ;
In peace I play the liker*«d Jntock aloud
At cranks that croak about ffie country's need ;
I take the line
Of Freedom's sons, who, being asked to serve, decline.
And, less from economic motives than
Because my heart goes out to all that mete
Strong wine of words to melt the Average Man,
Being themselves a sort of plebiscite,
Over my mess
Of matin porridge, I peruse the ^d. Press.
But there are limits. I have bravely borne
The shock of cricket jargon, reams on reams,
That spoilt with punctual blast each summer morn,
And now — how petty that infliction seems
Compared with these
Five serried columns stuffed with football pleasantries.
Yet in a hundred scenes, all much the same,
I know that weekly half a million men
(Who never actually played the game)
Hustling like cattle herded in a pen,
Look on and shout
While two-and-twenty hirelings hack a ball about.
I know it ; yet I hardly care at all
Whether the Wolves break up the Throstles' wings,
Or Sheffield Friday gives the Saints a fall,
Or Pompey round the Reds is making rings,
Or in the Spurs,
Once firmly fixed in front, a falling-off occurs.
Against my Chronicle I bring no charge ;
It b\it reflects the proletariat's views,
And I must either mentally enlarge, .
Or float a nobler brand of Daily News,
And bar its page
To soccer as the social curse that blights the Age.
0. S.
THE Liverpool Courier states that Mr. SAMUEL SMITH, M.P.,
has been an Elder of the Trinity Presbyterian Church " for
over 302 years." " Elder " seems a comparatively mild term
for such a very old non-stager.
THE WHITE RABBIT.
CHAPTER XL
Conclusion of the Adventure u-ith the Duchess of Bandusia.
" I MCST tell you," said the Rabbit, continuing his story
next day, " that the Royal Library, to which I had been
despatched, is situated in a remote part of the Palace and
is not very easily accessible. It is approached by a maze
of passages and intricate staircases, of which the last leads
to a broad corridor. At the end of this are two heavy oaken
doors side by side. One of these (I was not sure which)
is the entrance to the library; I had no idea whither the
other door would take me, though, to be sure, I had heard
stories of vaults and dungeons and torture chambers to
which possibly it might give access."
, " You make me shudder," said the Cat. " If there s to
be anything about tortures in this story tell me at once and
let me" go away. I simply couldn't stand it."
" Rats," said Rob.
"Oh, as to rats," said the Oat with some confusion,
"that's what they're there for, isn't it? Rats and mice are
mere vermin, you know, and I'm hound to says it's extremely
bad taste introducing them into H.R.H.'s story. But, of
course, some people were born without tact and they never
acquire it afterwards."
v*She sat very stiffly erect as she said this, and assumed a
stony distant expression. •
"Oh go on," said Rob to the Rabbit, "let's have the
story. If we listen to her much longer we shall all go
wrong in the gear-box."
"As the Duchess and I walked along the corridor,
resumed the Rabbit; ^weV<>re chatting and laughing in the
cheeriest and most unconcerned manner. We were together,
and therefore we were happy. The world was before us
"I thought you said two oaken doors were before you,"
snapped the Cat.
" One more interruption of that sort and I stop for good.
The world was all before us, for we were young and strong.
My recent apprehensions had all vanished, and no cloud
seemed to dim our horizon. In this gay spirit we reached
the great doors at the end of the corridor. One of these, I
noticed, stood slightly ajar, while the other was closed.
tried the closed one first, but it resisted all my efforts : -
" ' Dearest,' said the Duchess, ' it is not likely that the door
to the library would be barred and bolted, as that door
evidently is. A library is meant for use. Let us rather enter
at the door which stands partly open. I am sure that must
be the right one.'
"Her words carried conviction to my mind. I pressed my
hand against the door ; it yielded readily to my effort , and
together we passed through the entrance.
" No sooner had we done so than a cold blast of air beal
violently in our faces, and the door, swinging swiftly behind
us, closed with a clang and a clash."
"Reminds me of the twopenny tube," said the Cat, who
had at one time been something of a traveller.
"At that moment," continued the Rabbit breathlessly
paying no heed to the interruption, "I felt my throat seizec
in a violent grasp. I heard my beloved companion scream
and all was darkness. How long I lay in unconsciousness I
know not. At last I began to come to myself :
" ' Hang her head from the hook, Biu. ; chuck her body on
the heap. That 's it. Now then, let 's make haste with the
young 'un.'
"These were the first words I heard when my senses hac
returned to me. I opened my eyes. The dreadful sight 3
then saw can never be effaced from my memory."
" Of course the Duchess had been killed," said the Cat
" I guessed that all along. You 'd been decoyed into tb
torture chamber by somebody who pretended to be your
PUNCH, OR THF, l,<>NI>nN CH.MMV.Mtl. i>rr.mnt I:'. I'.Htl.
CONSULTATIONS INVITED.
TO TELL YOUR FORTUNE." yfcTW; ,„„„• m- //.,.Y
I/mi. U-s-n-uy. "YES, I KNOW. j ^^ - '
A GENUINE SPORTSWOMAN.
Mrs. Slwdditon (to Captain Fon-ard, on a Cub-hunting morning). "I DO HOPE YOU'LL HAVE GOOD SPORT, AKD TOD I-LOTT or Foxtt."
Captain Forrard. "HOPE so. BY THE WAY, HOW is THAT BEAUTIFUL COIXIE OF YOURS THAT I AWOBED so
Mrs. Shodditon. "OH! FANNY! POOR DEAR! OUR KEEPER SHOT IT BY MISTAKE FOB A Fox!"
father — some enemy of yours and the Duchess's it must
have been — and the torturers were just going to get to work
on you after polishing off the Duchess when you woke up
I '11 bet a bowl of milk to a biscuit that 's it."
" You 're too clever, Gamp," said the Eabbit with genuine
sadness ; " you 've guessed right. That 's exactly what had
happened."
The Cat smirked pleasantly. " I can't help being clever,"
she said, half to herself. " I was born so, and must take no
credit for it."
" But you haven't told us how you got out," said the
Labrador indignantly.
" Oh, as to that," said the Rabbit, " it was really quite
simple. As I did not appear at lunch the family became
alarmed, and messengers were despatched far and wide to
seek for me. It was my father who eventually discovered
where I was, by means of some of the white feathers
that had dropped out of my plumed hat as the Duchess
and I went on our way. These served to indicate the
direction we had taken. My father arrived only just in time
to save me."
"How [did he get in at the door which had clanged and
clashed ? " asked the Cat.
"By opening it with a key," said the Rabbit sharply.
"You didn't suppose he crept through the keyhole, did
you?"
" I want to tell you a secret, Rob," said the Cat mysteri-
ously, as they moved away from the hutch, "I didn't like to
mention it to young Bunbutter for fear of exciting him."
" Tell away," said Rob, " What is it ? "
" Well, the fact is the Duchess wasn't really killed that
tune in the torture-chamber."
" Nonsense," said Rob. " Why, they cut her head off."
"That doesn't matter; and, besides, it wasn't quite cut
off."
" You surprise me," said Rob. " But how do you know ? "
"I ought to know," said the Cat, "because" — here her
voice sank to a deep whisper, and she looked round appre-
hensively— " because I am, or rather I was, the Duchess of
BANDUSIA ! "
"Gracious goodness!" said the Labrador, "you don't say
so. Then Bunbutter really is a Prince, and you knew
t all the tune when you told me he was born in the Seven
Dials?"
"I 'm not talking about Bunbutter," said the Cat L.ftily,
' I said / was the Duchess of BAMDCSU."
"Yes, I know," said Rob. "But I'm wondering who I
ihall turn out to be."
.
258
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 12. 1904.
THE SECRET HISTORY OF
YESTERDAY.
BEING THE REVELATIONS OF AN
INTERNATIONAL DETECTIVE.
(With grateful acknowledgments to
Mr. 'Allen Upward.)
No. III.— WHY MR., BALFOUR WEARS
NO BEARD.
[BuT can one wear no beard ?— EDITOR.
Why not ? — ALLUP DOWNWARD.
How can you wear no beard? You
can wear a beard ; you cannot wear no
beard.— EDITOR.
But according to the notice boards
you can " stick no bills."— ALLUF DOWN-
WARD.
Not here, any way. What you mean
is : why Mr. BALFOUR does not wear a
beard. "--EDITOR.
Very well then ; but this wretched
argument has probably spoilt the story.
—A. D.]
It may not be generally known or
believed that in his youth Mr. BALFOUR
was a hot-headed reader of the news-
papers. Yet so it was. Few men tore
open the Times with more energy than
lie ; none so flung themselves upon the
Standard. He could hardly sleep on
Friday night for thinking of the mor-
row's Spectator : while on the eve of
the Guardian he was a martyr to drugs.
All this has changed.
But not only was Mr. BALFOUR a
reader of the papers ; in those distant
days he was also adventurous and
daring : nothing deterred him. Give
him but the least hint of a perilous
State secret and he was hot upon the
scent.
It was this passion for high politics
that in May in the year 18 — took him
posthaste to X , and as it turned out
was the means of averting a serious
complication.
To entrust a State paper of the highest
importance to a young English politician
is of course a dangerous proceeding,
especially when there are trained detec-
tives to whom the care of such things
is child's play. But the sequel showed
that Mr. BALFOUR was well chosen.
His instructions came to him in an
anonymous summons in cypher, which
a veiled woman, speaking with a marked
Russian accent, flung one night into his
brougham as it sped on its way to the
Opera.
None knew at the time whence or how
came the missive, but with my customary
good fortune I chanced at the moment
to be watching at the theatre doors dis-
guised as a traveller in artificial eyes,
and I saw the whole transaction.
To pursue the woman was, I knew,
idle : she was but a tool, and I already
had the names and addresses of her
employers — some of them of the highest
— in my note-book. But to mark the
effect of the communication upon our
future Premier was far more interesting.
More than interesting, necessary : for
he was young and impetuous, and if
ever a man needed the guiding hand of
the great TOSCHER it was he. And had
I not been engaged by the Government
at ruinous expense to protect this young
Hopeful on any of his wild enterprises?
I would do my duty.
Quickly changing my disguise I pre-
sented myself at the meeting in the
uniform of one of the Montenegrin secret
police, and as such I was accorded every
facility- such is the freemasonry obtain-
ing among the sleuth hounds of the
Powers.
Mr. BALFOUR was visibly excited. He
puffed cigarettes nervously, lighting
them and throwing them away with the
speed of thought. This I have noticed
is always a bad sign. I observed him
closely. His pupils were much dilated,
his mouth twitched, he pulled his beard
continually.
For in those days our Premier, whose
smooth chin is now so famous, wore a
long silky beard slightly inclined to
a chestnut tinge.
To approach him and inquire if he
were not in need of a capable servant,
silent as the grave and faithful as a
spaniel, was the work of an instant.
He told me that he was, having on
hand an enterprise needing all his
resource and cool-headedness.
" When you reach home this evening,
such a man will be there," I said.
He seemed thunderstruck at my con-
fidence. " But I am going home now,"
he added.
" Very well," I said. " The man would
still b3 thers, though you were to fly."
"Nothing," said he, with admirable
and characteristic readiness, " nothing is
farther from my thoughts than to fly."
He left almost immediately, but I was
bifore him. I changed my clothes with
the rapidity of lightning in my private
cab, in which was always an extensive
wardrobe, prepared for every emergency,
and was in time to welcome the young
diplomatist on his own doorstep.
He had 110 notion it was I.
We started at daybreak the next morn-
ing and, try as I would on the long
journey, I could not get a sight of the
letter which had projected Mr. BALFOUK
on this course. Either he had destroyed
it, or he guarded it with amazing
dexterity.
No sooner were his eyes closed night
after night than I set to work to extract
the paper from its hiding place among
his trunks or papers. But all in vain.
I coidd not find it. I had never been
baffled before ; I have never been baffled
since.
We took a small lodging near the
Palace, and I gave it out that my master
was a philosopher bent upon the study
of the foundations of belief. It was on
the face a poor story, but it sufficed. I
am never at a loss.
On the third day a stranger heavily
muffled made his way to our rooms.
I showed him in, and thick as was
his shawl, I saw in a moment who it
was, and had only just presence of
mind to refrain from calling him "Your
Majesty."
Mr. BALFOUU received him with perfect
ease and bade me leave the room.
I did so ; but you may feel sure got
no farther than the keyhole.
The conversation was carried on wholly
in the language of diplomacy, or now
and then, for greater secrecy, in the
deaf and dumb alphabet, but I missed
nothing.
At List the Illustrious Unknown de-
manded the paper.
"There," said Mr. BALFOUR, and 'my
heart stood still as 1 realised that I was
about to penetrate the mystery of its
hiding-place. "There," he said, and
drew it from his beard.
His beard ! You could have knocked
me down with a little bit of fluff. Dolt,
ass, poltroon, I called myself, and kicked
myself in my rage. To have been thus
duped !
The stranger took the paper and wept
as he read it. Then he flung himself
upon the potential Premier in an ecstasy
of gratitude.
"You have saved me! You have
saved me ! " he cried, on his eloquent
fingers.
How to dispose of the fatal docu-
ment was now the question. To
burn it ? But even ashes can tell
tales. After many anxious moments
it was decided to swallow it, and this
the Stranger and my master did in
alternate mouthfuls.
That night we packed up and returned.
Mr. BALFOUR was in the highest spirits.
His embassy had succeeded ; he had
averted a great catastrophe. In his
excitement he took my hand. He saw
his error almost at once, but I quickly
spared him any embarrassment by dis-
closing my identity.
"You! " he cried. "0 my most excel-
lent TOSCHER, how can I thank you for
your solicitude, your devotion?"
I saw my opportunity and took it, for
the temporary defeat still rankled.
"Promise me," I said, "promise me
you will cut off your beard and never
wear one again."
He was stunned. He reeled under the
shock.
But he promised.
And that is why Mr. BALFOUR wears
no beard.
[ALLUP DOWNWARD means — does not
wear any beard. — EDITOR.]
12, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
LOVE GAMES..
[Two suitors for the hand of a well-to-do
widow of Guttenburg, i^ew Jersey, are, suya
the Xeic York American, to play a game of
cards, the winner of which will marry the lady
with her consent.]
THE idea of winning a wiferas the
prize for success in games — the^kind of
game need not matter — although • not
exactly " new and original," since it has
occurred in more than one drama, yet
has it 'endless' possibilities, and particu-
larly so at the present time, when it is
being suggested that the duration of
marriages should be limited to a short
and stated period.
From the " Football Star of My Soul,"
April 1, 1905.'
The final tie of the English Couple
Competition was played at the Crystal
Palace on Saturday before 50,000 spec-
tators.
Both teams were in excellent condition
and most amorously inclined. Sheffield-
about-to-be-United, who had been train-
ing at Maidenhead, where they had
been kept walking hard and reading
books picturing the joys of home life,
were the favourites, but Nuptial-Notts
County offered a stout resistance before
being- -as they ultimately were— defeated
by the narrow margin of one goal.
Both sides were remarkable for their
forward play, but of course excellence
in this department is not enough to
win wives. The winners had, needless
to say, the better halves.
At the conclusion of the match the
President of the Football Association
presented wives to members of the
winning team, and expressed his sym-
pathy with the defeated. He added,
however, that he was able to offer to
the latter one word of consolation — a
word which, though it had done duty
before, was yet ever new. He was sure
that during the ensuing year — for
which period the wives won that day-
would remain the possession of the
winning team— he was sure, he said,
that the ladies would not forget a cour-
tesy due from time immemorial to the
defeated in such contests— the courtesy,
namely, of promising to fill the position of
sisters to the losing side (loud applause).
From the " Daily Bridesmail,"
April, 1907.
An Australian eleven may be expected
in this country next year, provided that
there is a sufficient guarantee regarding
the quality of the brides to be offered
by the M.C.C. to the Australian team in
the event of the latter winning the
rubber. The committee at Sydney are
now considering a number of photo-
graplis which have been sent out from
England.
QUICK WORK.
Guttersnipe. "PLEASE iii'WEK WANTS SIXI-ENVE »s THIS 'EBE FSTW' rut."
Pawnbroker. " HALLO ! IT 's HOT / "
Chutermipe. "Yes, MUVYER 's Jrsr COOKED THE SOSSIDOES, u
BEER ! "
From the " Sporting Married 7J/<-,"
May, 1915.
The Battersea Bachelors' Golf Club
held a meeting yesterday, when tiM
annual competition for a lady, offered
herself, took place.
Piquancy was lent to the content by
the fact that the identity of the kdy had
not been disclosed to competitors.
Secretary, however, as afterwards trans-
pired, had managed to view the pn
and to this circumstance may possibly
be attributed the fact that, though a
scratch man, he took 253 to go round
Notwithstanding the play of
Secretary, however. tli« mm^'tition
very k.vn, the pri/.e Ix-ing iiltmi
won by the popular Captain of th.- Otnb,
who, it was stated, had n»t won a wife
for ten y.-ars. Our repn-xM.t.itive wan
afterwards permitted a view of
trophy, whom he describes as BO*
massive and striking, and as likoly t
add to the effectiveness of any rwm in
which she is placed.
NqriCE TO OAVMHM-. A ih..n.ii»{h
experienced Cook requires cooking.'
Adrt. in " Soutlu-rit Ikitlij Miu.
260
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 12, 1904.
AN AFTERNOON AT THE ZOO.
IN THE MONKEY HOUSE.
A large Mandrill, having deprived a small monkey of a
Gentleman Doll, the offering of a Child Admirer, has
retired to a perch icith his capture, which he methodically
proceeds to undress. As the trousers present unexpected
difficulties, he removes them with his teeth, thereby over-
whelming himself idth sawdust, to his own disgusted
surprise and the intense delight of the spectators. The
Mandrill loses all further interest in the doll, and its
remains fall to an inferior monkey, who examines it care-
fully in the faint hope of -pickings.
An Old-fashioned Godfather (to a very modern God-daughter,
concerning whom he has awakened to a belated responsibility).
Ah well, HERMIONE my dear, you can hardly expect a monkey
to appreciate a doll, can you ?
Hermione (aged eleven). I always loathed dolls, myself — but
it does seem rather a pity that monkeys shouldn't be taught
to amuse themselves more sensibly.
Old-fashioned Godf. Oh, I don't know, HERMIONE. They
seem to enjoy life fairly well as it is.
Hermione. But what a difference it would make if some of
the older ones could only learn Bridge !
A Polite Child (to an importunate Baboon, with whom he has
contracted a temporary intimacy). I 'm so sorry, Monkey, but
I can't give you any more nuts, because this is my last, and
I 'm saving it for the poor Hippopotamus.
[The Baboon accepts this apology with a weary scepticism.
IN THE NEW APE HOUSE.
Humphrey (introducing the new Governess to a Chimpanzee).
This is JIMMY, Miss DOBSON, and he 's a very great friend of
ours. Really and truly I 'm not boasting — but he 's been for
a ride once in Baby's mail-cart !
[Miss DOBSON is duly impressed by the condescension.
'Erb (to ALF, as they inspect JIMMY'S neighbour, who pro-
trudes a cynically twisted mouth at them through the wire
netting). Looks a' most yuman, don't he, ALF? Wonder what
he 's thinking about.
Alf (promptly seizing his opportunity). Why, 'e 's thinkin' :
" If 'ere ain't my brother 'ERB come to see me at last ! "
'Erb (as the Chimpanzee suddenly turns his back on them,
and scratches his thigh with an almost offensive unconcern).
" That ain't no brother o' mine ! " 'e 's saying. " All my
family was more partickler 'bout the comp'ny they kept."
[ALF admits that this is one to 'ERB by knocking his hat
over his eyes.
IN THE LION HOUSE — AT FEEDING TIME.
Dorothy. Mummy, there's such a kind tiger inside that
cage!
Mother. Is there, darling ? — what is he doing ?
Dorothy. Why, he 's kissing his dinner instead of eating it !
Vivien (indignantly). Auntie, I do think it 's a shame to
put up "Beware of Pickpockets" outside the Lion's cage.
Does he look as if he would ever do anything so undignified ?
IN THE REPTILE HOUSE.
A Person with an inquiring mind (after examining an
Electric Eel). I wonder what would 'appen if they was to fry 'im.
Small Child. Farver, will the corkodile come 'ere and let
me pat 'is 'ed ?
Father. 'E 'd soon 'ave yer 'and off if he did, my boy !
Small Child. But, farver, the gazelles didn't 'ave my 'and
Oft !
Another Father (to infant on Us shoulder). See, MAUDIE—
that s a Puff Adder in there.
Maudie (determined to be pleased with everything) Oh
what a nice ickle one !
Dysy (examining a large Iguana). Well, 'e 's a fair
corsiiun, 'e is. I never see the likes of 'im afore !
Mybel. They do 'ave some novelties 'ere, I must say !
IN THE TORTOISE HOUSE.
Governess. Just fancy, HAROLD, that big tortoise there is
over a hundred years old !
Harold. Is he ? How jolly his birthday cake must look
with all those candles on it !
NEAR THE BANDSTAND.
The Old-fashioned Godfather. Like to have a ride on the
Elephant, HEEMIONE ?
Hermione. Thanks — I 'm afraid I should find it rather
slow — after a motor, you know.
The 0. G. Well, shall we go and have some tea ?
Hermione. I think I '11 wait till I get home, thanks— but I
shouldn't mind a strawberry ice and a chocolate eclair, if
they 've got such a thing.
IN THE RHINOCEROS HOUSE.
Well-preserved Grandfather. I daresay, MILLIE, you '11
hardly believe that these beasts were quite common in
England in the old days, but it 's a fact.
Millie (who goes in for tact). Oh, I quite believe it, Grand-
father— but I should hardly have thought you were old
enough to remember so long ago as that.
Censorious Matron (on beholding the Rhinoceros for the first
time).' My ! what a awful 'orrid-lookin' beast, to be sure. 'Ere,
come along, we ain't got no time to waste over 'im!
[She hurries out.
A Young Lady (as the great brute opens his mouth and
waggles a peaked and purple upper lip at her persuasively).
Well, I should think it was scarcely possible for any creature
to be more hideous than that !
[She passes on; the pachyderm, who must long ago have
abandoned all illusions regarding his personal appear-
ance, seems content with having produced his customary
effect.
AT THE HIPPOPOTAMUS'S POND.
Hermione (gazing languidly down the huge pink cavern, as
the Hippopotamus opens her mouth at the Keeper's command).
How I should simply hate being that thing's dentist !
[The Keeper, who was about to offer her a biscuit to give the
Hippopotamus, decides to reserve the privilege for some
child more likely to appreciate it.
OUTSIDE THE GIRAFFE YARD.
Critical Visitor. Why, they ain't 'ardly got no bodies at all !
His Companion (reasonably). What else could you expect,
with them necks and legs— they carn't 'ave it all ways !
Dysy. Look at that one, lickin' the top of his door.
Mybel. Well, they 'ave to do some of the cleanin' for them-
selves.
BY THE BEAR PIT.
A Generous Aunt. Now, JOCK, I 'm going to buy just one
more bun for the poor bears.
Jock. Couldn't I be a poor bear this time, Auntie ?
NEAR THE MAIN ENTRANCE.
Father. Getting near closing time. I think we've seen
most of the animals now, eh ?
Small Boy. Oh, shan't we have time for any of the Pre-
stoncal ones, Daddy ?
The Old-fashioned Godfather (anxiously). Sure you've en-
loyed it, HERMIONE ? No other place you'd rather have gone
Hermione. I think not, thanks. It isn't as if there were
any Matinees on to-day, and the Zoo is quite a tiling to
liave seen.
OCTOBER 12, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
"^Y NVI ( M G- Kj NTt?=^
THE RULING PASSION.
Young Squire. "WELL, YOU CAN'T COMPLAIN OF THE WEATHER THIS TEAR. YOU'VE HAD um:M.in
Farmer. "THAT'S TREE, SIB. THE CROPS BE ALL BIOHT. Bpr— THET'VE TASEK A TERRIBLE LOT o
TJie 0. 0. Well, you'll have plenty to tell your Nurse when
you get back, won't you ?
Hermione. I expect yoii mean my Maid — it's no good
telling her things, she 's too much of a goose. Ah, they have
sent the motor for me, so you needn't trouble to see me
home. Goodbye, and thanks most awfully for taking me.
I've enjoyed it immensely — we really must have another
afternoon together, some day !
[She is whirled off ly the Chauffeur, leaving her Godfather
with a growing conviction that the expedition IMS not
'been altogether a success. F. A.
Police Amenities.
As a result of the BECK scandal, we understand that urgent
instructions have been issued to the Force, reminding it
that every man, and especially every woman, is guiltless till
the contrary has been proved, and among other fresh rules
for the encouragement of pleasant relations between the
police and presumptive innocents we are gratified to hear
that the following Order, of which the grammar has the
right official ring, has been recently promulgated : —
When taking females into custody, the helmet thould be
removed (always supposing that it is still on the head).
MR. PUNCH'S PROVERBIAL -PHILOSOPHY.
MELANCHOLY is charming; but it nrod not be ni
while we have English cookery.
Be kind to all sentient creatures ; you never know when
you may need bail.
Neither cause, nor take, offence; but, if you nm»t do one
or the other, remember that it ia always better to giv<
to receive.
Have-acare for the first step in a love affair; an it
tion with the hort d'ccurre has spoilt many a fii
There's many an untrue word spoken in earnest.
Beware of applause; it is usually given by .omeone »
wants exercise— or something.
Say what they will in Harley Street, high living and
thinking remain very popular in the neighbo
Even the most dogmatic are not always wrong.
The race would generally be to the swift and
the strong if those who ran horses and arranged
matches played the game.
It is better to be off with the new love before you are
with the old again.
262
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.
[OCTOBER 12, 1904.
KINDLY MEANT.
Young Noodle. " OH, DP HAVE ANOTHER SANDWICH, Miss SWAN. You HAVE si;cn A LONG WAT
TO EAT — I MEAN SITE A LONG WAV TO GO ! "
THE GREAT KNEE-BREECHES
QUESTION.
(-4 Young Blood, in troitble about his legs,
soliloquises before Iris pier-glass.)
WELL now, this is a doosid nuisance,
what ? . . . S'pose I 've got to face the
question, now that all the rest of our set
have made up their minds . . . Hate
havin' to make up my mind ! It 's rotten,
simply rotten — I don't mean my mind,
but havin' to worry over things like this
• — I never was so dreadfully worried,
except perhaps over the shape of that tie
last season, what? . . . Why can't they
put it off a little while longer ? But no,
they 're all goin' to wear them next
Friday at that supper at the Carlton,
and STELLA PARDEDEW 's comin' too — wish
I hadn't asked her, she can be so cuttin',
It 's too bad, just as I 've thought out a
new kind of trouser-crease, and trained
my man to do it properly ! I was going
to show it off to her, too, and let her
know that I have some brains after all !
. . . And now they 've all decided to
bllow that rotter HICKS in that rotten
Vaudeville piece ! . . . Here, I must have
\ bromide and vermouth — I 'm gettin'
quite a head with all this worry ! I '11
never be able to get round to the Hilarity
to-night, and I 've only three more days
of trouserdom, unless — - ... There, I
'eel better now ! . . .
I have it — I 've an idea ! I '11 ask 'em
at the Carlton if they 've cut their
nmsers short, and are doin' it on the
•heap to save baggy knees, what ! . . .
That '11 tickle em up ! ... They may
ill dress like flunkeys, if they like, but
Protection for the Lower Limbs " shall
be my motto, even if I 'm in a minority
of one, don't you know ! . . . Yes, I '11
buck up, and we shall see u-ho looks
distinguished ! . . . And STELLA shall see
my new crease in spite of everything.
. . . Heavens! what a crisis I 've been
through ! And yet they say the age of
martyrs is over, what? . . .
[Rings for his Man ami Continuations.
when she likes ... I 'in sure, if I 've
measured myself once, I 've measured
myself fifty times, and I can't make 'em
more than ten and three-eighths round
the calf. ... I know she '11 ask whether
it's three calves or one, wh;n sho sees
me comin' along . . . rotten joke, too ! .
Here, let me try once more— where 's
that tape ? . . . No, I don't seem to spring
to ten and a-half inches, anyhow, and I
walked the whole length of Bond Street
this afternoon, what? . . . They don't
look so bad in gaiters and ridin'-breeches,
or under a motor-coat, and when I'm
golfin', too, I can double the thick top
ends of my stockins down and make
quite a -decent show, but these silk
things, what ! . . . They '11 be sayin
somethin' about advertisements for Anti-
fat — that rotter BERTIE will, I know, just
because his are fifteen inches round. .
A BIRTHDAY GIFT.
On never, never, surely
Were eyes observed to shine
So softly and demurely
As yours did into mine,
The while you led me, love, to where
Fii blushing beauty lay a pair
Of fancy slippers wrought in rare
And delicate design.
There, in such hues invested
As tongue hath seldom told,
My four initials rested
rpon a ground of gold ;
And frail forgetmenots of blue
A fairy ring around them drew
Of brighter ilowers than ever grew
Upon terrestrial mould.
Alas, for love's devotion,
And hope foredoomed to fall !
With undisguised emotion
The sequel I recall ;
For in the velvet depths of those
Twin slippers my expansive toes
Could find no haven of repose —
They were a size too small.
IN a recent article concerning the in-
fluence of influenza in the House of
Commons the Westminster Gazette dwelt
on the great utility of the " aspirating
apparatus" in sampling specimens of
Bacteria. This same apparatus might
probably prove of considerable advan-
tage to "those who have high aspirations
but are deficient in aspirates. We drop
the " h " in giving this 'int.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON' CIIAKIVA1M. -OCTOBER li».
"THE MiGIC KETTLE
"
GOING
OCTOBER 12, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
266
IT IS THE UNEXPECTED THAT HAPPENS.
Deaf Old Gent (to himself). "I'VE NOT HAD A BISE ALL DAT; BIT sow —
LINES WRITTEN IN A STORM AT SEA.
RACKED by destroying thirst and tearing spasm,
Packed insecurely on a heaving shelf,
Nothing to do but mourn my inner chasm,
And lie and hate myself, —
The sounding rusk too fugitive a diet,
The placid tea a beverage too shy
To stay the vacuum (will you be quiet ?
Couldn't you even try?)—
Torn by the nauseating " corkscrew motion,"
Groaning anew with every heave and dip,
After three days and nights, I ask you, OCEAN,
Is this a pleasure trip ?
Give me a bay as flat as tepid gravy,
A boat to loaf in, and a decent pipe,
And I could almost wish I 'd joined the Navy ;
I feel I 'm just that type.
Give me a pier, and let explosive bandsmen
Bray " Rule, Britannia " to the twinkling stars,
I think, how petty are the lives of landsmen,
How jovial those of tars !
Let me ascend a cliff where I can smell you,
And watch your wild waves beating down below,
And (oh, good gracious ! Woa, oh, woa, I tell you !
Confound it, will you woa ?)
But now— I came for rest and recreation,
To breathe the ozone and admire the view ;
Is this refreshment, this recuperation ?
Go to, I say, go to !
How can I take a pleasure in the
How can I reap a profit from the brine,
If you start interfering with machinery
As delicate as mine ?
Yet there are men whom nothing s3ems to flunuaux.
Men that can ride a gale without a can-.
Absorb their viands with triumphant stomachs,
And never turn a hair.
I hate them. Their exasperating bonhomie
Gives me offence. They have n haughty trick
Of praising their interior economy.
Which stings me to the quick.
Then, OCEAN, hear me. Deeply though I suffer,
Though I have borne enough to drive one mad,
If you could bring them down by getting rougher,
I wish you would, begad.
Their groans would fall upon mine ears like music,
'Twould be the next best thing to being cnnfl
If I could cry, " Ha, ha, my friends, are you sick ?
It would, I feel assured.
For " by another's anguish," says the poet,
" One pain is lessened." Mine would surely b
Lightened and— (there you go again ! Oh, go it .
Oh, oo it ! Dont mind me !).
PARIS
Mukden.
FROM THE " STAR " (Srop PRESS NEWS).
The War.
message says ALEXEIEFF and KIROPATIIN met
No further bloodshed is reported.
266
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 12, 1904.
THE SQUIRE OF MALWOOD.
EXTRACT FROM THE RECESS DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
THE passing of Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT
vas a beautiful rounding off of a
treunous life. A fighter in every fibre,
never so happy as when with back to
he wall he faced overwhelming odds,
le died in his sleep.
Say not Good night, but in some brighter
clime
Bid me Goo 1 morning.
This habit of tussling for the right,
combined with occasional utterance of
rascible remark, is responsible for the
louse of Commons tradition that Sir
WILLIAM was cantankerous. Some
ears ago there was current a fable
bout a dinner-party jointly given by
•>ix men. In fantastic mood it was
resolved that each should invite the
most disagreeable man he knew. When
,hey foregathered at the table it was
:ound that the party consisted of seven,
iach of the hosts had asked HAKCOURT.
It is true he was impatient with
nediocrity, scornful of pretension, even
turbulently angry with meanness, base-
ness, or anything that fell short of his
lofty ideal of gentlemanhood. But in
the social circle, assuming it to be
peopled with desirable persons, he was
invariably charming. His long experi-
ence of men and affairs, his wide range
of reading, his tenacious memory, and
his sparkling wit, made him delightful
company. Had the spiteful story turned
upon the point that each of the hosts
was pledged to invite the most popular
diner-out of the day, the consequence
reported would have been more reason-
able.
A masterful Radical leavened by Wh if
culture, no political fence circumscribec
his social relations. He was one of the few
men who, after the split in the Libera
Party following on the introduction o
the Home Rule Bill, preserved intac
ancient friendships. There was nothing
small about Sir WILLIAM HAROOURT
corporeally, intellectually, or morally
'.' Humour, above all good humour," he
privily wrote to one of Mr. Punch's young
men, " is the salt of life, and you have
set the example in applying to politic!
this excellent antiseptic."
The habit generously extolled Si
WILLIAM instinctively observed in all hi
relations with life, public or private. 0
late years complaint was made that h
handicapped his running in debat
by the avoirdupois weight of his notes
He certainly wrote out in the seclusioi
of his study his more important speeches
As his eyesight weakened, the awkward
ness of reading his manuscript becam
more oppressive to the audience. H
was aware of the disadvantage, and \va
ready to defend it. All orations tha
ave lived through the ages were, he
.isisted with copious circumstance, pre-
»red in manuscript. He held it to be a
ust tribute to the dignity and importance
f the House of Commons that a man
ddressing it should give it his very
>est, prepared without stint of time or
oil.
His orations were certainly not written
,ut for lack of ability to deliver
xtemporaneous speech. He was at his
>est when some sudden turn of debate
ailed him to his feet. At such times,
n sonorous voice, accompanied by ges-
ures elephantine in their force, he with
cathing tongue shortly said the right
hing in the most perfect phrase. Bio-
jraphical notices that filled the papers
luring the week following the Great
Jommoner's death reiterated the more
amiliar stories illustrative of his wit
ind humour in the House of Commons.
)ne escaped the recollection of the
chroniclers. It was in the Session of
893, when, the Home Rule Bill having
Deen shouldered through the Commons,
Sir WILLIAM, by dint of much adroitness,
nanaged to carry his Parish Councils
Bill. A General Election imminent,
eaders on both sides were anxious to
show that, in this matter, Short not
'odUn was the true friend of the agri-
cultural voter. Mr. GOSCHEN, still with
us in the Commons, claimed to be the
real father of the Bill, since in an earlier
Session he had made the first move
towards the establishment of Parish
Councils. This said, he proceeded to
urge the Government to destroy their
bantling, by leaving out the essentia
portion dealing with the Poor Law.
"The House," said Sir WILLIAM
" bearing in mind the judgment o:
SOLOMON, will perceive who truly is th<
parent of this Bill. It certainly is noi
the Right Hon. Gentleinan, who more
than assents, who actually proposes to
cut it in twain."
For thirty years Sir WILLIAM HAHOOUR-
played a prominent part in home politics
He was more than a fighter, though when
occasion arose he could swashbuckl
it with the best of them. He was ;
consummate General, as was shown b;
his carrying of the Parish Councils Bill
and his defeat of the Tithes Bill. He
was a master of finance, as testified b;
the imperishable monument of his Deatl
Duties Budget. He carried into publi
life and party action the purest creed o
honour. He was, as BROKE Arcriiru sal
to a friend, talking at a time whei
almost personal animosity was evoked ir
discussion on the Education Bill, " th
last and one of the greatest of the oh
school of Parliamentarians."
CRAVAT MOST SUITABLE FOR BRIDEGROOM
AT HIS OWN WEDDING. — The Marriage Tie
A TRAGEDY.
" SSH ! quiet, 'ere 'e comes, I towd
er 'e come by this 'ere lonly spot late
f a afternoon pretty reg'lar— know'd it
rom the gard'ner's boy. Git close up
nder the bit o' wall by me. Is she
oaded orl right ? "
" Yus ! Don't 'e walk slow though ? "
" Orl the better fer us, Mate. Steady
low ; aim careful — wait till 'e gets in
ange, and mind and cover 'im well."
" Don't 'arf like the job, BILL—
" Ssh ! No names —
and that's the truth; s'posin'
omeone 's awatchin' of us — maybe
here 's a keeper about."
"No there ain't, keep cool now or
ve 're done—
" Look 'ere, Mate ! I can't do it, that 's
ruth. I'm not used enough to the job
I 'm a-shakin' like a leaf."
' 'Ere, giv' it me, yer '11 miss 'im sure
is fate, then we 're dunners ! "
" Take it then an' do it I can't, that 's
straight."
" 'And it 'ere quick then. I 've got
yer, me beuty — jest a little nearer.
Ullo ! wnt 's V stoppin' for ? "
" Think 'e 's seen us ? "
" Not 'im ! .Tes Iix>k at 'is chain ; I
eard it and 'is watch alone 's worth a
mint o' splosh--
" Ssh ! 'E 's a coniin' on now."
" 'Ere goes then ! Now or never
Click !
"Phew! That 's settled 'im anyway.
Now all we 've got ter do is to lie close
fer a arf hour, till it 's a bit dusk ; then
we can 'cok out o' hidin' safe, and see
wot we 've got. Wouldn't do to move
yet, might be someone lurkiii' about the
preserves, an' if we was spotted now it
ud more than like mean trouble for us."
65 & & v
" Got 'is chain ? "
" Yus, got that orl right, an' 'is stick
too, with the gold top on "t."
"Steady with 'is 'ead now — large size
ain 't it ? It was a good shot, though ]
didn't arf like the job, but you'd never
a done it."
" No, 1 couldn't a done it, and that 's
truth."
"Anyway it's over now, and it's the
best bit o' work we done for many a
day."
" Or the worst. S'posin' someone 'as
seen us uddled up be'ind the wall on
privit ground ? "
"Well, no one didn't, I'll take me
Alfred David on that. It was a good sho
though, and it took 'im jus right. Any 'ow
it 's done now, and 'e 's come out a treat.'
" And now we 've developed 'im we V
on'y got to print 'im orf, and take 'im to
the Club. And if we don't knife th
prize for bein' the first to snap th
American millionaire wot objects to
'avin' 'is phiz took — well ! "
_PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE CHARM OF PROSPERO.
THE RIGHT HON. JOSEPH CALIBAN FINDS IT IMPOSSIBLE TO BBEAX AWAT men THE BPELL or TBE RIGHT HIM. PBOSPBMO BALIOOB.
THE WOMAN BEAUTIFUL.
BY LADY LAVINIA LARKSPUR.
(With acknowledgments to the Ladies' Papers.)
Despair. — You certainly don't sound
attractive if your description is accurate,
and I can only recommend you to get
a new face altogether. Madame ELISE,
of 172, Hanover Square, will do this for
you ; a thorough steaming, a touch of
electricity and a course of " Jabberwocky
Face Food" (7s. 6d. per bottle) will
work wonders. As to the enlarged toe-
oint, paint thoroughly with three coats
if " Red Oxide," and varnish with best
^C'opal." When quite dry, use Dr.
KURALPAYNK'S special plated toe-saw, and
- don't think the toe will bother you
igain. So glad you like my advice;
et me hear from you again.
La Duchesse. — The Beauty Outfit you
speak of will cost you 9 guineas, but it
will last some time. This is the way
to use the preparations. Take a pint
of rain-water and carefully remove the
blacks. When tepid pour it over a
sachet into a basin containing twenty
drops of " Creme de Joie." Now wash
in the ordinary way, and instead of
using a towel polish the face and neck
with a chamois leather sprinkled witli
"Poudre d'Hiver." You will find all
this fully described in Madame PAMELA
SJIYTHE'S little brochure " The Complete
Complexion," which she will give you
with much pleasure if you write to her
and enclose 15s. 9d. Please say you
are a correspondent of mine, as otherwise
she will charge you 16s.
Fluffy.— I think it is very probable
that you were bitten by something, and
that the sub-cutaneous tissues want
feeding up. Have you over tried "Green's
Greaseless Gloss" for your acalp (17*. Gd.
per bottle) ? This would, I am sure, stop
the shedding of epithelium which you
find BO irritating. I/>t your maid make
as many partings in your hair as potwible
on alternate nights every other week,
and into every second parting let ln-r
nil) in with ;i piece nf line <-inv.,
emery paper) l»r. DANWIIKK'K "White
Wax Iicn7.iKitii| Hair Nnii rislirr" 1 '.»-.»'« I
per bottle). At the end of a fortnight
the hair must lie wash"! with M;i
AI.ICK SAPI.KIII'S " Kan ile Nil Poudre.''
which costa (with the proper l>n;
apply it) only L'l's. •'"!. i «-r Inittle. Your
letters are always delightful, ai.d no
trouble lit all.
268
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 12, 1904.
ESSAYS IN UNCTION.
(With acknowledgments to Mr. Harold Begbie).
I. — LONDON'S PILGRIM HEROES.
THE days of pilgrimage are past and over. No more,
urged by an irresistible impulse, do noble and simple, from
the stately halls of England, from the sweet Surrey home-
steads, fare forth to the Holy Land, to shrive their souls and
win salvation. Yet the pilgrim spirit is still with us. Only
cultivate the seeing eye and you shall discover in our very
midst, in the heart of this dear old eternal city of ours,
lineal descendants of the gallant wights who, on horse or on
foot, in coat of mail or simple jerkin, rode and marched across
Europe to rescue Jerusalem from the sway of MAHOUKD.
I know it is the fashion to be cynical, to sneer at enthu-
siasm, but what have the cynics done for this beloved England
of ours ? Was it cynicism that enabled OLIVER LODGE — that
paladin of modern science — or J. J. THOMSON, the modern
ARCHIMEDES as I have called him elsewhere, to climb to
the dizzy pinnacle of fame on which they now stand trans-
figured ? Let ua have no more of this degrading conven-
tion. Better a thousand times be effusive in fulfilment of the
sacred duty of panegyric than allow your attitude towards
your brother man to be governed by the sinister and paralysing
watchword of nil admirari.
Come with me, then, gentle and tender-hearted reader, on
this golden autumn morning, and I will show you a sight
that will grip your heart-strings and blur your keen vision
with the divine dew of sympathy. Come with me down
Oxford Street or along the Embankment and you shall see
them, the pilgrim heroes of London, " ever delicately marching
through the pellucid air," imprisoned like Chinese prisoners
in the cumbrous apparatus which is the livery of their despised
calling, yet by their splendid patience, their superb resig-
nation, their matchless devotion to duty, preaching more
eloquently against the materialism of the age than the deans
and chapters of all the cathedrals within the four seas !
Hitherto, in the arrogance of your class prejudice, you have
regarded them simply as the submissive instruments of a
crass utilitarianism, the helots of commerce, the galley-slaves
of reclame. 0 the wonder and the pity of this London of
ours, where unobtrusive worth, in spite of the indomitable
enterprise of the Press, is still occasionally able to escape
recognition and to baffle the trumpet-toned searcher after
truth, beauty, and goodness ! You, gentle reader— for I know
you are gentle by the kindling light in yoxir humid eye and
the tremulous quivering of your pendulous nether lip — have
lived all these years in the belief that these " sandwichmen "
— to use the brultal and ferocious word that almost blisters
my tongue when I write it — were merely human refuse from
the lowest dregs of the residuum, whose sole qualifications for
employment were the power of locomotion and the ability to
bear a burden. You thought so, but you were wrong. The
life of reflection and contemplation is infinitely superior to
the life of action, and the opportunities for pure and uninter-
rupted thought afforded to the Pilgrim Heroes of London are
at least equal to those enjoyed by the dons of Magdalen, the
monks of Athos, or the beatific Buriats of the Lop-nor. Look
at yonder old man with the Michelangelesque profile and the
brow of a Yogi ! What though his bowler hat be shamefully
battered, his throat innocent of collar or of tie, and his broken
boots lamentably inadequate to cope with the slush of the
gutter in which he habitually trudges, that man — mark you, I
speak of what I know — is steeped in the spirit of ascetic
resignation which supported SIMEON STYLITES on his pillar.
That quiet-faced soldierly-looking man a few yards in front
of him, had fortune so willed it, might have achieved eminence
either at the Bar or in the stricken field. Dress him in a well-
fitting frock-coat and silk hat, with a slender umbrella and a
gold-tipped cigarette, and he would hold his own in the very
mid-current of fashion. But the fascination of the meditative
life was irresistible, and he too joined the band of obscure
but ineffably contented pilgrims who, " unshaken, iinseduced,
unterrified," indifferent to the raucous challenge of the police,
the cruel taunts of the omnibus driver, the jeers of thejamm,
and the reckless accusations of the Eev. E. J. CAMPBELL, pace
onward, unhasting, unresting, at once the most lovable and
perplexing figures in this amazingly juicy old world of ours.
THE POINT OF VIEW.
[In the Cornhill Magazine Mrs. ALFRED SIDGWICK has been discussing
the relative expenses of English and German households, and explains
how the German Hausfrau contrives to live more cheaply by econo-
mising in food, furniture and dress.]
0, WHY did I marry my DOLLY ?
Just look at the quarterly bills
From butchers and bakers and mantua-makers
And vendors of feminine frills !
Her wildly extravagant folly
All reason refuses to learn —
0, why am I fated to find myself mated
With such an expensive concern ?
Now GRISEL, I hear, is as saving
As DOLLY is just the reverse ;
She 's thrifty and prudent, a diligent student
Of all that pertains to the purse ;
She 's blessed with a positive craving
For shrewd economical plans ;
No tradesman can beat her, no milliner cheat her —
0, what would I give to be HANS !
Still DOLLY has points in her favour,
Mere justice compels me to state :
I like to be able to dine at a table
That glitters with plenty of plate.
I bar a conglomerate flavour
Of sausage and chicken and pork —
I loathe eating dishes of flesh, fowl, and fishes
With one and the same knife and fork.
Then GRISEL'S bare chambers distress me ;
Her dingy black stove makes me sigh
For the fire that burns ruddy and bright in my study
As soon as the summer is by ;
Linoleums always depress me ;
I crave to be cosy and snug,
And long for a sight of the Turkish delight
Of my own most particular rug.
I can't — to be perfectly candid —
Bear GRISEL in evening costume :
With her sad flannel blouses I find that she rouses
A sense of ineffable gloom ;
Her woollen stuff frocks may be branded
As shoddy, and — dare I confess ? —
I miss all the traces of chiffons and laces
That ought to be part of a dress.
When duns are incessantly calling,
When balances fly like a dream,
When credit is dying, I find myself sighing
For GRISEL'S close-handed regime.
Still, her feet look a trifle appalling
In coarse clumping boots — do they not ? —
And when she has got on her gloves of white cotton
I vow that economy 's rot.
Self-depreciation.
FROM the Daily Mail: — "If you want NEWS, you will
find it in to-morrow's Weekly Dispatch."
OCTOBER 12, 1904.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. : <
CHARIVARIA.
CHINA was greatly- relieved to learn
from the Kuropeen, last week, that
Russia and Japan are merely fighting
with the object of deciding which of
them is to have the pleasure of restoring
Manchuria to her.
anxiety was felt in the New York Smart
Set, has taken place, and proved to be
one of the most brilliant functions ol the
season. Last year, it will be remem-
bered, Mr. and Mrs. LEHR gave a Monkey
Dinner, but this year it was decided to
have something quite different to the
ordinary social function.
•> now a v.
i insecurity among our ntlii-tT-
ollt tll.lt. if the'.
DM lor their mi-.laki.-4, a subflt..
ineirj- ,n their pay will
siiry.
There ;. that uiotorwU ore
growing tired of killing their
species. A French inotnriM ran i
The outspoken criticism of the appoint-
Those critics who pronounced Tlie
ment of the aged General GRIPENBERG has | Golden Light a failure are looking rather circus hurt week, and killed .<
not been without effect upon
The durability of t!
pattern of London Kou'i
M •!. .r ( )mniliiii ha.-, l«en satis-
factorily tested. ( ini- of these
vehicles has IMVII driven right
through a fruiter,
and though the whole of tin-
shop front was carried
the car itself
tically no damage, and the
owners are no doiilit cntitli-d
the CZAR, and we have it on
good authority that, as a
remedy, the CZAREVITCH, as
soon as he is short-coated,
will receive a command of
even greater importance.
The garrison at Port Arthur
is now reduced to slaughter-
ing thirty donkeys a day for
fresh meat. Admiral ALEXEIEFF
must be glad he did not stay
there.
With reference to the visit
which the King of SERVIA will
shortly pay to Prince FERDINAND
of Bulgaria, it is announced
that King PKTKR will go incog-
nito, and not as the powerful
head of a powerful nation.
The allegation in the
Natio>ial Review that the
British workman is drunken,
lazy, unthrifty, improvident,
foul-mouthed, and untruthful
has been denied by the men's
leaders, and it is thought that
many of the men will give up
subscribing to Mr. MAXSE'S
organ.
Dr. CLIFFORD has been pro-
testing against the heavy costs
in connection with distraints
for small sums, which he calls
outrageous. But surely the
greater the injustice, the
greater the Martyr ?
The Rev. R. J. ,
MA is now editing The Young Man — a j ioolisn
paper which has for its object the incul- j which .
cation of modesty and other desirable piece have found pm
qualities into the rising generation. The
new Editor is offering as an unique
attraction to subscribers a platinotype
photo of the Rev. R. J. CAMPBELL, M.A.
We believe we are right in saying
that, • with the exception, perhaps, of
to a non-sto|> prize.
A bear in a motorcar at-
tracted much attention in the
City la>t wt»'k. It had four
this time.
ANOTHER PRODIGY.
Now, GEOBOE, LET 'EM 'EAR TER sixo 'Biu. BAILET.'
ft. _*-!
Great di-appoiiitment was
caused by the announcement
that the St. I»iii»air->hip nice
would not l>e held, owing to
the want of entries. Many
persons wen- of the opinion
that it should have taken
place none the less.
Thirty-five Rhode* « -holars,
described as the pick of the
American Universities, liave
arrived in England, and an
alarmist report is afloat to the
effect that America is now
relapsing into barbarism.
The Corporation has
>olved not to abolish the office
of City Marshal. It is even
rumoured that he is to have
an assistant, who is to !»•
known as the City SneL
our
Miss MARIE STODHOLME, no one of
English Beauties has been photographed
so manv times as the Rev. R. J. CAMPBELL.
With a view to overcoming the reluc-
tance of many to enter workhouses,
proposed that the names of these inati
tions shall be changed to 'Homes for
the Poor." The word "work" is said to
frighten many persons who would oil
wise become inmates.
, talking <>f civic reforms, ii
)' that, wt-ing the adminicle
characters which the more nvent I»rd
Mayors have borne, the Mayor* Ml
escort might now very well DC '
with.
PREDICTIO.V— The occupation of
Special Black and White Artt
away
the
war corres-
as a necessary element in
pondence will soon be gone.
be superseded on the battlefield
the Snap-shooter. The corps of Snap-
r -11 ._ j
Mr. and Mrs. HARRY Jjam s oanque-i ^ \ <«"-- — -
dogs, as'to'the success of which so much \ the t
270
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVABI.
[OCTOBER 12, 1904.
HORRID KUISAJJOE ! NURSE
WILL THINK I 'll LOST ! "
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
IT ia years since Mr. Punch
published a special puzzle page
arranged on the model of one in
Bradshaw's Guide. Bradsliaw the
evergreen and ever knowing has
brought out, dated for this October,
a "new, revised, and improved
edition," with " Key to arrangement
and place," with "Index to Prin-
cipal Railways," and with " Pears'
Blank Pages for Memoranda," which
last are intended for complaints
and queries to be noted and
posted by the puzzled purchaser to
["Bradshmo's Railway the polite proprietors. " Excel-
Guide is in future to be much lent! quoth the Baron, Brad-
simpler. Even a child may shaw, with all thy faults I love thee
understand it." still ! " So with a few minutes to
Daily Paper.] Spare> et pOMr mettre V affaire en
Baby. "DEAR ME! No train, the Baron sets himself to
TRAIN FOB Two HouBs^ catch the Quide of all the Trip-
pers tripping. At haphazard he
selects " Ramsgate (Harbour) (Pop.
27,693)." Pretty full this for only a harbour. Here is
the information : — " Vid Chatham from Victoria, Holborn
Viaduct, or St. Paul's, S. E. & C. 5.10 aft." Now un-
doubtedly there is a " 5.10 aft." According to Bradsliaw
the intending traveller can start by this train at this hour
from Victoria, Viaduct, or St. Paul's. This single train then
starts from three different stations at the same time ! Pos-
sible of course, because the three could meet and unite at,
say, Herne Hill. " Tria juneta in uno." But as a matter
of fact they don't do anything of the sort. This " 5.10
aft." does not start from Victoria, and any traveller acting
upon this particular information, and arriving at Victoria
in order to catch the 5.10 to Ramsgate, will find himself
the victim of one of Bradshaw's excellent practical jokes.
Again, as the Baron might wish to visit Oban, he would
like to know by which line he can most easily and most
speedily reach his destination. So, having his finger now
on some very clearly printed and well-arranged tables in
the book, headed " Routes from London," he searches for
the initial letter " 0." But, in this very select portion oi
the Guide, Bradshaw has determined that " 0 " shall be
Only represented by Oldham and Oxford. 0 why should
Oban, which is for rail, river, lake and sea a central point
with its mild climate, be, so to speak, left out in the cold
while Oldham and Oxford are comfortably bedded in among
the Routes ? An explanation is Owed us. The maps
illustrating the different lines, being well placed and legibly
printed, are a most serviceable addition to a work which is
bound (in red, and looking very smart) to have the larges
circulation in the three kingdoms.
orth The Story of an Irishman (CuATTO AND WINDUS). The
tory, being his own, is told with characteristic modesty,
e young Irish reporter settling first in Liverpool, drifting
London, sojourning for a while in the United States,
teadily got on till, as a man of letters, he won world-wide
enown. Genuinely surprised that such things should be, he
nore than hints it is all due to the exceeding, inexplicable,
undeserved kindness of men in both hemispheres. His range
if acquaintance and friendship, reaching back half a century,
s picturesquely diversified. He knew KENEALY when he was
a, turbulent young barrister in Cork. He has spoken with
SMITH O'BRIEN, and was acquainted with JOHN MITCHELL. He
stayed with BRYANT in his home, and wrote for HORACE GREELEY
when he was still making the New York Tribune. As Editor
f the defunct Morning Star he was on intimate terms with
TOHN BRIGHT. At Chester he more than once saw WILLIAM
Iw ART GLADSTONE " in red jacket and hunting-cap, mounted on
a horse he knew so well how to ride, going to or returning
rom some sporting expedition " — probably, though Mr.
MCCARTHY does not mention it, humming his favourite song,
' Camptown Races." In the House of Commons, from the
Press Gallery to begin with, seated below the Gangway,
Deader of the Irish National Party by way of finish, Mr.
CARTHY came in contact with the principal men who have
}een making history during the last thirty years. About
liis rich and rare experience he pleasantly chats through
400 pages, unconsciously revealing a nature and a tendency
of mind almost provoking in their impregnable serenity.
There is a famous passage in one of DISRAELI'S novels wherein
passing in rapid review the capitals of Europe, he shows how
a Jew is everywhere found in dominant position. Th
accomplishment of an analogous task with intent to establish
the supremacy of Irishmen would be easy, the aggregate
result more imposing, since the United States would come into
view. My Baronite notes that in the case of both nationalities
transplantation is an essential condition of successful growth
We don't hear of ROTHSCHILDS in Jericho, or of millionaire
Irishmen in Galway. Fifty-two years ago JUSTIN MCCARTHY
was transplanted from Cork to London, and by sheer merit
unassisted by even desirable touch of pushfulness, has since
done very well. Now, spending the autumn of his days in
Kentish watering-place, resting but still working, he put
A work such as that which Mr. EDWARD DILLON has com-
pleted requires the collaboration of a sympathetic publisher
and a first-class printing establishment. Porcelain 1ms
Found this combination in Messrs. METHUEN. The portly
volume continuing the Connoisseur's Library is beautifully
printed in black letter on broad-margined rough white
paper. My Baronite knows nothing of the porcelain art
an which Mr. DILIX>N lovingly and learnedly discourses. But
the illustrations, most of them in colours, are things of
beauty, joys for ever. For the most part they have been
taken from prized specimens in national collections. But
the author has been further privileged to reproduce examples
of the porcelain in the possession of millionaire collectors,
including Mr. PIERPONT MORGAN, who does not — at least did
not when the selection was made — seem to have anything
touching, however remotely, upon the interesting personality
of the Archbishop of CANTERBURY. Few of us could hope
to possess a stray specimen of this lost art. Here in form
and colour they are reproduced with ravishing effect.
THE
If doughty deeds my readers please, then will they
thoroughly enjoy Mr. H. RIDER HAGGARD'S stirring romance
entitled The Brethren (CASSELL & Co.). Its sole fault is its
length, of which maybe the majority, enthralled by the
cinematographic pictures crowded with battles, duels, assas-
sinations, murders, hairbreadth escapes of heroic knights and
high-born ladies, will not com-
plain. Almost to the very end
the solution of the puzzle which
the author has set himself to
work out remains unsolved ; and
there are surprises up to the
last. The title, the Baron is of
opinion, is misleading ; for
surely The Brethren indicates
a band of brothers : whereas
these leaders of men to whom
the term applies are twins.
The Brothers would have been
correct, or The Twin Brethren.
DE
B.-W.
CRIPPLED CRAFTSMEN.
MR. PUNCH BEGS TO DRAW YOUR ATTENTION.
THE Potteries and Newcastle Cripples Guild, under the energetic presidency of the Duchess of SUTHERLAND, ejrista
for the purpose of providing crippled children with such employment as shall enable them, when properly in-tructed,
to take intelligent delight in various kinds of craftsmanship, and so to lead happy and useful lives. Thus it comes
about that printing is among the crafts in which these hopeful toilers have been able to perfect themselves.
Wayfarer's Love is a volume of their recent production. The poetry, the paper, the printing, and the publishing of
this book being all free gifts, the purchaser's money, almost intact, will directly benefit the children so sadly
handicapped. Send then your orders to Messrs. ARCHIBALD CONSTABLE, 16, James Street, Haymarket, and you will In-
doing your share towards preventing these crippled children from being additionally crippled for lack of
FAEEWELL !
HONEST JOHN HOLLINGSHEAD ! Straightforward, spry thea-
trical Manager, liberal in his dealings, radical in his
sentiments. He was for ever running atilt at all abuses,
and won some battles for the benefit of the public. His was
the dauntless hand that, under Mr. Punch's banner, attacked
" Mud-salad Market " many years ago. From time to time
did lie renew the onslaught. But stands Mud-salad Market
where it did ? Alas, yes. Still the same block to the traffic,
still the same muck, still everything very much as it was
when first doughty JOHN did battle against it on behalf of
his fellow-citizens. Up to the last, as long as he could think
and put pen to paper, he was strenuously working. Fare-
well, Practical JOHN. Requiescat.
FROM the Berwick Advertiser : —
A LADY would like to meet a Christian near London, on high dry
-^*- ground, bracing air, for occasional change.
Can " Lady " be an erratum for " Tiger" ? The two have been
confused before now.
CHAT-EN-POCHE.
A Soniiel.
AH ! would but that these glass-entrenched walls
Might melt and fade before my emerald glare !
Would I could find some dim nocturnal stair
And win the .summit whence my loved one ralU !
All dulcet sounds — all sweet memorials
Of midnight meetings in the moonlit air —
All seemliness of all the days that were —
Mix in the music of her caterwauls !
Ah, this wan weary waste wherein I dwell,
Prison'd and pent, dooiu'd here to peak and pin-- '
Would I not choose the nether depths of Hell —
So she were by to make my pain divine
Rather than this forsaken garden's smell,
And inexpressible garments on the line !
FROM AMERICA. — Archbishop DAVIDSON'S newly ^conferred
title — Pierpontifex Maximus.
NEW rendering of Panem et Circeruet — Lunch and Lyons'.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 19, 1904.
A MODERN MOLOCH.
[Mr LLOYD-GEORGE has conceived the inspired idea of closing all the
elementary schools in Wales as a protest against the Education Act.
This will mean that, unless a very large sum of money is subscribed by
certain sectarian bodies that have never been _ conspicuous by the
eeneroeity of their private contributions to education, the children will
be left to' their own devices, without any training, spiritual or secular.
— The OutlooTtcr.
MERE simple babes that barely know
The way to write or read —
Why should they care one paltry blow
For " Liberty of Creed " !
I met a little Cymric lad ;
Among his mates at play
He tossed with halfpennies and had
An air of holiday.
His clothes were soiled, his face was black,
His speech — it hurt me sore
To mark its almost total lack
Of elemental lore.
" My boy, inform me why," I said,
" You waste the shining hours,
When you should be at school instead,
Training your youthful powers ?
" You do yourself a grievous wrong
To gamble thus outside ! "
" They 've shut 'em up ; it 's all along
0' LLOYD," the youth replied.
" Tell me," I said, " my little man,
Who might this fellow be,
That sets an arbitrary ban
Upon your A. B. C. ?
" In other words I want to know
Who is this Mr. LLOYD
Who lets your little talents go
To swell the unemployed."
His voice with sudden laughter rang :
" Well, you 're a bit behind !
It 's him as says the clergy gang
Corrup's the infant mind !
" Not heard o' GEORGE ? Well, you 're a treat !
Why, he 's the bloomin' boss ;
He turns us loose about the street
A-playing pitch an' toss.
" He 'd have the Bible taught his way,
Or show 'em what was what ;
That's how there ain't no schools to-day ;
He s been an' shut the lot ! "
" Dear babe," I cried, " your Mr. LLOYD!
Who takes this lofty line —
Is his behaviour wholly void
Of partisan design ?
" Considering well what things are done
To influence the polls,
Think you his aim was pure and one —
To save your little souls ? "
No answer came. I could not tell
Whether the boy deplored
My doubts respecting Mr. L.,
Or just was feeling bored.
In any case I saw with pain
That boy of Celtic blood
Rejoin his mates and turn again
To wallowing in the mud.
I left them. I was much annoyed ;
Yea, something in my gorge
Rose up against this person, LLOYD,
Whose other name was GEORGE.
What have they done to him, I thought,
Him and his Christian friends,
That they should go unwatched, untaught,
To suit his party's ends.
And like a horrid furnace-blast
The hideous memory came
Of heathen rites, and children " passed
To Moloch through the flame."
I thought : " The self-same sacrifice
Still serves the monster's greed ;
The blood of babes is still his price,
Onlv he takes the new device
Of ' Libertv of Creed.' "
0. S.
MY FIRST PANTO.
(With acknowledgments to the " Review o
THERE ! I told you I 'd do it, and now I 've done it. I 've
•eally been at last. I 've been to the Panto.
I will first very simply tell you what it is.
The Panto is a Remarkable Rehabilitation of Current
Political Events. At least, that is what it seemed to
Every little incident suggested some enormous problem of
the day. I really have got an extraordinary brain.
I will now tell you all about it.
Remember, I went with the simple virgin mind of a man
of eighty-five. Beneath my right arm I carried one of my
' Books for the Bairns," containing the whole delightful
story ; beneath the other a white woollen comforter in case
it was cold when coming out.
Outside the Pit door stood a long row of people. A con-
stable was employed in keeping them very close together,
which they seemed to resent. It was the desire for Home
Rule over again. I took my place. A man stood on one side
of me, and on the other side stood another man. I had
never experienced anything like it before.
Presently a negro who had been singing came down the
row collecting money. A scandalous imposition which im-
mediately recalled AUSTEN' CHAMBERLAIX and the Income-tax
Halting before me the individual put a very curious ques-
tion : " Does your mother," he said, " know that you are
out? " I at once gave him a halfpenny, which, rather to my
surprise, he said he would invest in Consols. A remarkabl
sign of the national spirit of Thrift, engendered, doubtless
by fear that Jingo JOE'S tariff may come into force.
At that moment the doors opened. They opened on hingei
very like ordinary doors. At the place set apart for tha
purpose I handed in two separate shillings, a tlireepenny-bi
and three coppers, and asked for a front seat. The man a
once desired to know who I was getting at. I said I was>
getting up my circulation by going into the Pit. Like a
flash he put the question : " Does your mother know you 'r
out?" This is evidently some secret sign. Socialism anc
the Hard Winter came vividly to my mind, and, puzzling
over it, I passed into the Pit.
The Pit contained benches stretching from one end to the
other end. I was given a programme with the character
of the play printed on it in print. From an attendant I pur
chased for one penny a packet of acid tablets. I could, ha<
• I'.l. I'.tOI
A LONG SIGHT BETTER.
JOHN BULL. "HULLO! NEW CHEF, EH? GOOD! I KNOW 7//.V. NO MORE GUNNERY
HASH NOW!"
The appointment of Sir JOHN FISHER as First Sea Lord is a guarantee that such scandals as that of the Centurion gun-eighta will not be repealed.]
"CUBBING EVENTS CAST THEIR SHADOWS."
Half-awakened un-enthusiastie Sportsman (who unshed to go out cub-hunting, but hag entirely changed hit mind, ilromily adilrtuing
rather astonished burglar). "AwRiOHT, OLD EOT. CAN'T COME WITH TOD THIS SKIRMISH. Too SLEEPY."
[Turn* round and resume* deep sleep when he left off.
I so wished, have purchased lime-juice tablets, chocolate, or an
orange. There was a man on one side of me, a woman on the
other, and a distinct draught behind me. It was a remarkable
experience.
Before me stretched several rows of cushioned seats callec
Stalls ; beyond these hung a curtain, and behind that
(though I did not, of course, know this at the time) was the
stage.
Presently, the curtain ascended. This was accomplished,
I think, by the roller on which it hung being made to revolve.
Anyway, it went up, and, following the example of other
people, I gave a quite loud clap by striking one hand against
the other hand.
The story was that of Beauty and the Beast, and I imme-
diately saw the true meaning of it. The Beauty was Sir
HENRY CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, the Beast JINGO JOE, Mr. LLOYD-
GEORGE the dashing Prince, and the Beast's servant Mr.
BALFOCR. I enjoyed it immensely. To me it was all so
real. When the two Beasts sang that finely ironical song
commencing :
We are two villains of the deepest dye,
Yes, we're sly (ah, so sly !)
I could with difficulty restrain myself. The Beauty was a
most handsome girl with hair of a glorious golden shade,
a beautiful complexion, and wearing closely-fitting (but strictly
decent) garments of the same pinkish tinge. When she
stood boldly forth and sang :
Keep your eye on me, boys,
Follow little me, boys,
she seemed to me the dauntless figure of CAMPBELL-BANSTJUI AN
to the manner born.
After her song the curtain went down, and I had a glass of
lemonade brought to me for fivepence (i.e., a penny change
out of sixpence), which I have written to the management
about. During this interval an iron curtain was lowered.
A hush fell on the audience, and I trembled violently —
what was it but a symbol of the cruel iron hand closing
down on South Africa?
In what was called the Harlequinade all pretence was
thrown boldly aside, and the rascally, thieving, plotting clown
was openly called JOE. Not a tingle member of the ennrmous
audience, gathered from all classes of the community, took
exception to this !
On the conclusion of the performance the audience rose
from their seats and made their way out through doors
marked " Exit." In front of me an individual in the stalls drew
on his coat, hesitated, and took it off again. Another symbol !
JOE, JOE the turn-coat ! A man near me noticed my emotion and
remarked, " Does your mother know you 're out ? ' Mystery '
tfystery !
Of the whole remarkable performance I have only one
complaint to make. As the people filed out a little rowdyism
was noticeable. The band played an air which I seoni t«i havr
icard before, and somebody knocked my hat off.
'GRAND THEATRE, LEEW." — So it ought to when Hnnrr
RVING 's playing there.
276
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 19, 1904.
THE SECRET HISTORY OF
YESTERDAY.
BEING THE REVELATIONS OF AN
INTERNATIONAL DETECTIVE.
(With grateful acknowledgments to
Mr. Allen Upward.)
No. IV. — THE FALL OF THE LEBEKWURST
PARTY.
IT is, of course, a commoner thing than
the ordinary uninstrueted reader sup-
poses for a Crowned Head to absent
himself from his Palace ; and in these
cases precautions ars taken to prevent
the fact of such absence being known.
There lives in an obscure street in the
Faubourg St. Antoine, in Paris, on the
fourth floor, an artificer of genius who
spends his time in fashioning with
extraordinary skill moving wax models
of the world's monarchs. I often visit
him, partly out of curiosity, partly to
help him to some minute realistic detail,
the omission of which might lead to the
frustration of the harmless deception.
For every now and then, as Time works
his ravages upon theper sons of
monarchs (as of ourselves), the models
have to be returned to the artist, in order
that such milestones on the road of life as
grey hairs and wrinkles may be added.
It is often my privilege to convey
the precious effigies from the secret
chambers of the Courts where they are
preserved to the Faubourg St. Antoine.
Only to a trusted agent could such an
office be given.
You may wonder why the artificer
does not visit the Palace in person.
But, for one thing, he is too busy, and
for another his presence might excite
suspicion.
Yet now and then he must leave
home. At the present moment, for
example, he is in America, studying
Judge PARKER, in case of an order for
a duplicate of that great Democrat.
But to my story.
A few months ago the readers of the
Berlin correspondence in the Times may
have noted a brief telegram stating that
public attention was greatly excited by
the opening of a new Bierhaus at the
corner of the Prager Strasse in fthe
German capital, which, it was stated,
had at once become the head-quarters of
the wire-pullers of the Leberwurst party.
A few details as to the novelty of the
decorations, and the efficiency of Herr
PANZERFAUST, the restaurateur, followed.
Two weeks later the correspondent
telegraphed that the Party had suddenly
lost its leaders, and the Bierhaus had
been as suddenly closed.
Events crowd upon one another so
rapidly in these days that the incident
was quickly forgotten, and yet in those
two weeks, between its opening and ita
close, much history had j been made, or
rather had been stifled at birth. But
you shall hear.
I remember the affair as though it were
yesterday. I was sitting in my study at
Chertsey preparing, as one may do in the
intervals of greater business, a few
harmless quips for use in the coming
election in that quiet riverside borough,
when a horseman galloped ventre a terre
up the street and thundered at my door.
I saw at once that it was Colonel
DONNERSCHLAG, the most trusted of the
private messengers of the German
EMPEROR, and that his business must be
important indeed, for his horse was in a
white foam, like the chin of a barber's
client.
My servant brought me instantly a
sealed packet, which I tore open, first
however ordering wine and meat to be
placed before the Colonel. The missive
summoned me post-haste to Potsdam.
I was, it said, if necessary to take
the Colonel's motor-car (for the august
writer could not know that the car had
broken down at Richmond — and hence
the sweating steed) ; and a special turbine
steamer was waiting for me at Dover.
I lost no time. My travelling bag
with a dozen disguises is always packed,
and in five minutes I was on my way in
my own 80 h.p. Panthard, dressed quietly
and decently as a one-legged bicyclist.
I will pass over the incidents of my
journey ; the attempts on my life ; and
so forth. Suffice it that in an incredibly
short space of time I was closeted with
the KAISER in his study.
" My brave TOSCHER," he said, " look
at this," and he handed me the report of
a recent secret meeting of the Leber-
wurst party, at which his kidnapping
and detention in a Bavarian fortress had
been decided upon. All that was wait-
ing to be settled was the date and the
means, and these had perforce to be
postponed until a suitable new meeting-
place could be found, the old Bierhaus
where they had been used to meet having
been foolishly closed by the police.
"And now, my brave TOSCHER," said the
KAISER nervously, " what is to be done ?
If you cannot advise me, who can ? "
" It is the simplest thing in the world,"
said. " We must provide the party
with a new habitat. As I drove through
Berlin I noticed a vacant building on
the Prager Strasse ; let it be there.
Leave the rest to me."
"You have hit it," he replied. "Do
as you will."
I left him instanter and set to work.
By nine that night an army of decorators
and carpenters had occupied the build-
ing ; by the evening of the next day it
was furnished ; on the day following it
was opened.
And then came the surprise, even for
me. For the KAISER insisted upon him-
self acting as the patron of the house.
Leaving his wax model in his Palace,
carefully wound up, a trusted official alone
being in the secret, he perfectly disguised
his features (I could not induce him to
sacrifice his moustache), and threw him-
self with amazing zest into ' his new
duties.
He was everywhere at once, talking,
laughing, chaffing with his cus-
tomers, recommending this dish, depre-
cating that (for the clever restaurateur
affects to despise a few tastes), and
ordering me, his maitrc d'hotel, about
with an almost too realistic severity.
But an occasional smile from those
august eyes would reassure me.
I had of course taken care that a
suitable lure was laid before the Leber-
wurst party, and they fell into it. One
by one they dropped in to spy out the
land, and at length arranged for the
hire of the salon over the restaurant.
It was just what we had desired ; the
walls were honeycombed with secret
openings ; a regiment of soldiers could
be hidden behind the wainscoting,
so well had my cabinet-makers (who
were led in blindfolded, and taken away
in closed carriages) worked.
The new restaurant became the rage.
Everyone wanted to chat with the
patron, everyone desired to be attended
to by the maitre d'hotel.
So we went merrily on for ten days,
and then came the great night of the
conspiracy. By a secret passage we
conveyed forty picked soldiers to the
wainscot and waited events.
Never was the patron so cheery, so
witty, so expansive, as on that wonderful
evening. Almost, I thought, his beard
would come off. Had it done so how
different would be this truthful narra-
tive!
But all went well. The meeting time
drew near, the Leberwurst leaders one
by one drifted upstairs, the consultation
began.
I need not elaborate here. All I need
say is that my plans had been perfectlv
laid.
No sooner was the treasonable plot
complete and signed, than the wainscot
opened, the Imperial Guard stepped
forth, and the arrest of the whole meeting
was quietly effected.
By the next morning the Party was
dead and the restaurant closed.
It never re-opened. A few weeks
later the premises were, I believe, taken
by a draper, but long before that time
the upper room had been again in the
hands of my secret corps of carpenters
and builders.
The KAISER had not been missed from
the Court, and to this day the identity of
the famous patron and maitre d'hotel of
the mysterious restaurant is unknown.
But we often laugh together over that
interesting fortnight.
OCTOBER 19, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
AND
EVERY PRODIGY HIS OWN PUBLISHER
[FLORIZEL vos RECTER, tbe boy musician
publishes a periodical entitled " Renter's
Express." It deils mainly with his career
and exploits.]
SOME features of the November Maga-
zines : —
Reuters Express. " Master Workers.'
1. Mr. LAFFAN.
"Notes." By the Editor.
"Instruments I have never played.'
1. The Jews Harp.
" Too old at eight." By the Editor.
The Trundley Times. (ODDER
STOUT'IW.)
"Mr. EUSTACE H. MILES as Feeder
and Thinker."
" Books that have influenced me." By
the Editor.
1. Lt.-Col. NEWNHAM-DAVIS' "Din-
ners and Diners."
2. SMITH'S " What to do with the
cold mutton."
3. H. G. WELLS' " Food of the Gods."
"Publishers I have met and appre-
ciated." 1. Tuck. By the Editor.
"Master Workers." 1. Dr. RUSSELL.
Veczey's Penn'orth.
" Fifteen handy ways of pronouncing
my name." By the Editor.
"Master Vocalists." L'. The Prince of
PIEDMONT.
Czarevitch's Magazine.
" Fashion Notes : Bibs."
" Court Gossip." By the Editor.
Winston's Wobbler.
" Parties I have belonged to."
the Editor.
By
A GRATEFUL MEMORY.
Do you think of that hour in the twilight,
When Hesper was beaming above ?
WThen I needed no Hesper for my light,
Being lit with illusory love ?
But little did I or did you say,
As I fed with delight on the view
Of your chin that was slightly retrousse,
And now has developed to two.
I recall with what passion I pleaded,
I cherish the answer you gave,
When I told you my love only needed
To live or to die as your slave.
Small, small was the mercy assigned me,
But I see now it might have been less :
I remember you flatly declined me —
I remember you might have said Yes.
IT is startling to read in an advertise-
ment, " The Girl who lost her Character,
by WALTER MELVILLE." True, Mr. MEL-
VILLE does not give the lady's name, and
no doubt she will be entirely rehabili-
tated after she has been brought out at
the Standard Theatre, where she is by
this time -probably showing herself to
advantage with a good run in store.
A DECLARATION.
" LOUISA, YOU'VE STOLEt SOHETHIXO."
"Go oit!"
"You "ATE."
" YOU'RE A ! WHAT 'AVB I «W>LE ? "
"Sir 'MAST!"
A LA SUITE.— Mr. and Mrs. FRED TERRY,
.e., FRED and JULIA, are to join Mr.
FREDERICK HARRISON at the Haymarket
Theatre with, on dit, a romantic play by
¥r P KESTER(who, if it is to be musical,
will be assisted by 0. R. KESTER) entitled
Sweet Dorothy o the Hall. Now it should
be remembered that the sweet person a
last success was as Sweet 2Ve« of I
Drury, and that " sweets to the sweet
tre superfluous." Why " o' the Hattt" ?
True that it is " Hall " in the singular,
and not in the plural, which would have
made it "o7 the Halls." Moreover the
place intended is uot any music-hall, but
Haddon Hall, where the heroine ia
Dorothy Vernon, a name that might yot
serve as a sufficiently taking title for the
piece.
" PRETTY POLLY." — Evidently upset by
the voyage and suffered (aa did IHT
backers severely) from mal de marr.
278
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 19, 1904.
CLEARING OUT.
A shop in a busy London thoroughfare has been converted
into a temporary Auction Room, for a sale of "Unre-
deemed Pawnbrokers' Pledges," " Bankrupt " or " Salvage
Stock" according to the taste and fancy of the Auctioneer.
If the Header happens to have attended similar auctions
elsewhere, he will, on entering these premises, recognise
more than one Highly Respectable Person present as the
individuals who secured some remarkable bargains on
previous occasions- — which renders their presence on this
tlie more intelligible. There is a rather problematical
Curate in a black straw hat, who imparts tone to the pro-
ceedings by preserving a dreamy silence in the background,
and the rest of the crowd are male and female clerks and
office-boys, who remain as near as they can to the door,
which they are repeatedly entreated not to block. The
Highly Respectable Persons do all the bidding. There
are, it is needless to say, no catalogues, and the Auctioneer's
commendations, like tfwse of his Partner, seem lacking in
conviction.
Auctioneer. Now then, what 's next ? — well, I '11 take that
ot.
[As the Assistant places a showy imitation Sevres clock and
pair of vases on a tray,
Auctioneer's Partner (in a stage-whisper of remonstrance).
What is the good of putting 'em up at this time o" night ? —
They '11 only go for nothing !
Auct. (loith a gallant recklessness that imposes on no one).
. know that, my boy — I know that, but I don't care. I 'm
lere to sell all I can. (He examines the clock.) Ah, this is
pretty thing — a very pretty thing. Why, it 's marked five
guineas ! (Sadly) I 'm afraid I shan't get anything like that
to-night, though. Still, you never know ! What shall I
start it at ? Anyone give me a couple of pound for this very
:iandsome clock and pair of side-ornaments? (The crowd
make no response.) I don't think, Gentlemen, you quite
realise the class of goods — j list look at them for yourselves —
jnamelled old Royal Blue porcelain, signed, and hand-painted.
The clock and vases are handed round by the Assistant ; the
Highly Respectable Persons handle them secretively, as per-
sons who are far too wily to betray enthusiasm ; the rest avoid
temptation by gazing steadfastly in any other direction than
at the clock.) Just fancy how that clock and vases would
look on your mantelpiece or sideboard ! (Nobody seems to be
even attempting so nild a flight of his imagination.) Thirty
shillings — come now ! (Silence.) I see what it is — you don't
believe the clock is in going order. Very well, as you doubt
my word, I '11 wind it up and set it going before you all.
[He does so — but without producing any perceptible sensa-
tion; the bidding is started at ten shillings, and crawls
up to twenty-three — where it halts.
One of the Highly Respectable Persons (with a creditable
assumption of anxiety). Will you take a deposit ?
Auct. Certainly, Sir. Leave a deposit of one shilling and
pay the remainder any time between this and Saturday,
whenever you like to call for the articles. (This encourages
the H. R. P. to bid one more shilling, and lie is rewarded for
his enterprise by being declared the possessor of the clock and
vases.) I congratulate you, Sir — you've got a marvellously
cheap lot there !
[The H. R. P. does not appear unduly elated by his good
fortune ; the goods are shifted to another part of the
shop, and the deposit is waived.
The Partner. Just put up some of those bronzes on that
upper shelf next, will you ?
Auct. I will, if you '11 get 'em down — and while the ladder
is being fetched, Ladies and Gentlemen, I will take advantage
of the opportunity to drink your good healths — all your good
healths !
[Here he refreshes himself from a tall tumbler of ale at
his side.
His Partner (up the ladder, and inspecting one of the bronzes
with a sigh). I see these are marked a lot of money !
Auct. Ah well, it can't be helped. I said I 'd put 'em up
for what they '11 fetch, and I '11 be as good as my word. I
know I shall get into trouble with my employers — never mind !
(He takes a female figure representing " Industry " leaning on
a piece of machinery, and gazes at it with a somewhat per-
functory admiration.) That is a lovely face — I don't know
when I 've seen a lovelier face — ons of a pair, Gentlemen,
representing "Industry" and "Commerce." Just look at
the finish in the hands and feet — nothing more difficult in
Art than hands and feet — indeed many artists avoid them
altogether. Look at the flow of the drapery ! And the
modelling of the machinery ! They cost fifteen guineas the
pair. Let me have a bid for them — come !
[" Industry " is carried round for inspection, after which
the bidding languidly advances to seventeen and six-
pence for the pair.
His Partner. Seventeen-and-six each figure, you mean, of
course?
Auct. No — for the pair. It was my mistake in putting
them up together, and I must abide by it. (The pair are
ultimately knocked down at twenty-seven shillings to anotJier
H. R. P., who apparently forgets all about these works of Art the
moment afterwards.) If anyone here has been waiting for a
particular lot, just let him point it out to me and I '11 put it
up at once. (None of the crowd takes advantage of this
obliging offer.) Very well, then, I '11 try you with this hand-
some Sheffield tea and coffee service, richly chased throughout,
will wear equal to silver. I 'm going to start the bidding at
a shilling, though some of you will think me an ass for
doing it.
Partner (with candour). You are.
Auct. I 've got to get my commission somehow — not that
it will amount to much to-night, I can see ! (A tea and
coffee service is handed round; the H. R. Ps. open and bang
the lids conscientiously, but the rest of the crowd become
almost cataleptic at the mere approach of the glittering
splendours, which are finally knocked down to a H. R. P. for
a mere trifle.) Well, you are a hard lot here to-night ! I
don't know what 's come to you all ! Is there anything you '11
buy? Here I have a lady's real silver chain purse,
suppose you '11 faint if I ask you to give as much as a shilling
for it ? (As his audience maintains a stony calm) Sixpence,
then ? I see what it is — it isn't the courage you want, it
the money ! (Even this taunt leaves the crowd unmoved.,
I 've a good mind to chuck it over your heads into the street
if I wasn't afraid of hurting somebody outside. I '11 tell you
I'll throw in this small gold lady's watch
balance, jewelled in ten holes — now then
what I'll do.
compensation
who'll bid a shilling for the two? (The gold watch ana
silver purse are handed round on a tray, and eyed ic'itli
languid mistrust by the crowd, several of whom take then
departure at this stage.) If that isn't good enough for you —
here 's a double albert gold-cased chain, which none of you
need be ashamed to wear — I wouldn't mind wearing it mysel
— I '11 throw that in. ... Now — anyone give me a shilling
for the three ?
[The double albert only has the effect of still further reduc
ing the attendance ; the Auctioneer piles up the tray icitl
various tempting articles, one by one — a case containing
amber cigar and cigarette holders with gold mounts, <
pair of opera-glasses, a meerschaum pipe, a gold bangl
set with turquoises, and a brilliant scarf-pin. Where
upon the last remaining onlooker loses all further interes
and drifts out into the street, leaving the H. R. Ps. to bit
against one another for the heap of treasure, under th<
sardonic auspices of the Auctioneer and his Partner
pending the arrival of some unsophisticated stram,rr m,o
imllset his heart on securing the tea and coffee scriice or
the bronzes in the teeth of all competition. It w»,,l,l !»•
some satisfaction to know that this touching and beaut i f,,l
faith in human nature, is occasionally rewarded HS ;/
deserves. Otherwise the existence of these Barm,;-;,!,'
Bidders u-ould be a too insoluble mystery. )•'. \
ESSAYS IN UNCTION.
(With acknowledgments to Mr. Harold Begbie.)
II— THE GOSPEL OF BIGNESS.
I WONDER how many of the myriads who have been c,m
„ -P-Jy *?e rich ^umour of the opening chapters of Mr.
O. Or. WELLS s romance have penetrated the true imvurdn--
ot the soul-shaking parable of its final phases -how inanv
1 mean, have realised the deep spiritual fervour that underlies
the saucy exuberance of the Sage of Sandgate ! To me there
are few things more ineffably pitiful than that HERBERT WFI i s
mystic and magician, whose austere lineaments recall the
aureoled saints of FRA ANOELIOO, while his tangled elf-locks
proclaim his affinity to ROGER BACON, LUMBLICHUS and CASABIAM i
should be regarded by the heedless Philistine as a harlequin
of pseudo-science, and not as the SAVONAROLA of our day !
For let us ponder the real meaning of his new romance
and it will become painfully clear to all but the veriest
dullards that HERBERT WELLS proclaims to all men in trumpet
tones that it is their duty to become great as well as good.
In this unique pronunciamento he reveals himself not only
as the superb moral teacher but as the true son of an age
which at all points seeks to obliterate and annihilate littleness,
and to emphasise the virtue of mammoth dimensions.
Wherever we turn we are confronted by evidences of this
cult of bigness. In literature we see the band of patient
sleepless eremites under their heroic chief Dr. MURRAY, slowly
rearing the colossal fabric of the New Oxford Dictionary.
In music there is the drum-major of the Kilties, to say nothing
of RICHARD STRAUSS, piling Pelion upon Ossa in Titanic
pyramids of inexhaustible harmony. In architecture the
blinding loveliness of Queen Anne's Mansions and the New
York sky-scraper. In science the gigantic brain of OLIVER
LODGE working with such marvellous rapidity, such daemonic
energy, that when you are admitted to his sanctum you can
actually hear it humming inside that strong forceful cerebellum
with the note of a 24-h.p. Panhard. In locomotion the Great
Wheel, that grand emblem of immortal progress. In natural
liistory Professor RAY LANKESTER, another noble example of
the mens maqna in corpora magno. Is it necessary for me to
*o further, and point to our increasing dependence on great
houghts and great coats, or to the ever-abiding and im-
perishable influence of Jumbo, over whose premature demise
the stateliest dames of this self-contained England of ours
shed their tenderest tears by the magnum ?
Be great and you will be happy — that is the pith of
IERBERT WELLS'S electrifying sermon . Not only morally great,
mark you, though something — thank Heaven !— can still be
said for morality in this cynical age, but physically huge.
Von multa sed multum, as the Roman poet BO touchingly crys-
allises it. Mr. GLADSTONE wore a number 8 hat, BISMARCK'S
'oot measured 13 inches, and OLIVER LODGE'S size in collars
s 18. Remember that there is always room for growth, if not
vertically, at least horizontally. Think of the expansion of
ngland, and reflect that, while the less you eat the hungrier
fou are, the hungrier you are the more you eat, a profound
ruth which sustained and comforted MICHAEL FOSTER through
nonths of obscure investigation into the malnutrition of
lasmobranchs.
Yet another luminous and refreshing thought that surges to
he mind after a perusal of HERBERT WEHS'S magnum oput.
QUITE ANOTHER THING.
'YOU IIVST REMEMBER HEB. T U.TBODFCED TOO AT MT 'AT
'YOU INTBODCOED HE TO SO JM.VV PEOPLE, HOW CA» I RKMEMBKI '!
' BUT SHE WAS WEARING— ' (DeKcribf* Hit fiutumf miniilrli/ .<
' OH, WAS THAT SHE 1 Or COCfKK I REMEMBEB Hit PEirRTLT ! "
Height is a potent factor in personality, but, unless rev
be had to patent elevators, it is difficult for anyone ;ift.-r
reaching the age of thirty to make any substantial increase in
bis stature. But, as NORDAU and LOMRROSO have conclusiv.-K
established, any well-educated adult, by continuously concen-
trating his attention on the bump of self-esteem, and resolutely
determining to disregard the opinion of others, can produce a
bulbous tumefaction of the cranium sufficient to attract tin-
notice of the observant public. And this is surely a vital
consolation in an age when detraction is ever on the watch
V3 repress the generous ebullitions of conscious merit.
One word in conclusion. If we cannot all achieve the bless-
ng of Brobdingnagian luck, let us at least set our faces like
_
lint against the paralysing influence of dwarfishness. < <
are always kindly folk ; dwarfs too often disguise their insigni-
icance with the cloak of malignity. Above all, if we can com-
sass great bodies, let us cultivate great souls, and model our
ives on the exemplar of HERBERT WELM— may I say BKRTII. '•:
— whose massive intellect'and limpid style are verily and indeed
amongst the most precious asset* of this wonderful rontury.
280
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 19, 1904.
DIGNITY UNDER DIFFICULTIES.
Pitffec I.iiltj {relirinij frum the public, gaze for tlte ]50(7t time). " HOME, JOHN! '
THE BUS TEST
For tlie Discovery of Character.
LADY CURRIE, in an article in the
"Nineteenth Century for October, lays
down as a criterion for Remarkable Men
that they should look remarkable even
when seen in plain clothes carrying a
small black handbag and getting into
an Omnibus in the Strand. This has
been duly noted by the Civil Service
Commissioners and other examining
bodies in their anxiety to secure men
of ability and character. We hear, there-
fore, without surprise that the following
Regulations for admission into the
forthcoming volume of " Wlio 's That ? "
are under consideration : —
PRELIMINARY INSPECTION.
1. Preliminary Inspections will be held
impromptu on fine week-day mornings
by the Conductors and Bus-jumpers of
the Omnibus Companies plying between
Trafalgar Square and Fleet Street.
2. Candidates will be required to
satisfy the Examiners in the following
viva voce subjects : —
(a) Possession of a sum of money
equivalent to the fare.
(b) Production of a Birth Certificate
or other reasonable evidence of having
been born at some period anterior to
the date of the examination.
(c) Ability to express, in the English
or American language, the destination
of the Candidate in his capacity as
passenger.
FURTHER EXAMINATION.
3. Candidates who pass the above
Preliminary Inspection will be entitled
to enter for the Further Examination to be
held on the return journey, and will be
tested in the under-mentioned branches :
(a) Deportment. — Method of hailing
Metropolitan Stage Carriage ; Mode of
entry into, and exit from, the same
(dignified, saltatory, flat-footed or
opportunist) ; Demeanour towards
fellow-occupants of the vehicle, whether
conciliatory, aggressive, sit-offish or
conversational; Treatment of Small
Black Hand-bag, (i) by tendering to
Conductor, (ii) by depositing on Passen-
gers' toes, (iii) by ostentatious display,
(iv) by furtive concealment.
(6) Costume and Appearance. — Amount
of Polish on Elbows and other exposed
cloth surfaces ; ('on.!it:<in and Antiquity
of Shirt-cuffs, Collars',' and Headgear ;
Blueness of Chin, Redness of Xose, and
other facial blemishes; General Hang of
clothes, and Estimated Date of lust Visit
to Tailor.
N.B. — All marks gained for smartness
in this section will count against the
Competitor.
XoTICKS.
1. Xo Candidate may quit the Exami-
nation Bus until he has paid his P\ire.
2. Any Candidate detected in the pos-
session of a monocle, medal, ribbon,
false moustache, wig, or other article
brought with him for the purpose of
enhancing his personal attractions, and
unduly influencing the Conductor or
Bus-jumper, or copying the appearance
of any other Candidate, will be thereby
disqualified, will be reported to the
Editors of Who '.t That ?, and will not be
admitted to any subsequent Examination
held under the direction of the Omnibus
Companies.
3. Candidates are expected to avoid
the prevailing fashions ; to indulge in
no autobiographical talk with the Con-
ductor ; and in general to act like un-
obtrusive and peaceable citizens.
4. The Small Black Handbags must
be of the ordinary business variety, and
must not be decorated with any crest,
monogram, or other device whatsoever.
5. The Result (if any) of the Examina-
tion will be published in the next
ensuing volume of Who 's That ?
MARK FREKE,
Secretary to the Board of Examiners.
**' OR THE JlgON_CHARIVARI.^o).n,.IK,i ,,, 1!H,,
THE PHANTOM FLEET. .
["Port Arthur anxiously awaits news of the Baltic Fleet."— Daily Paper.]
OCTOBER 19, 1904.]
PUNCH,
THE
CHARIVARIA.
THE new Member for Thanet is un-
doubtedly a valuable addition to the
Fiscal Reformatory.
Fashion authorities predict a great
revival in the wearing of lace this season.
Even men, it is said, will wear lace boots.
The dearth of recruits for the Church
continues to engage the anxious attention
of those concerned, and the experiment
of a smarter uniform has been suggested.
The revelations as to Bank clerks' pay
continue. Many of these young gentle-
men receive only £100 a year, which,
after they have dressed themselves, leaves
nothing over for board and lodging.
" Distinguished persons," says Mr.
BENN, "go to the Mansion House for
their luncheon, and to Spring Gardens
for their figures." Our experience is
that they go to the Carlton for their
luncheon and to Carlsbad for their
figures.
In their report which is just issued,
the Prison Commissioners propose to
establish an Habitual Offenders Division.
Suites of rooms, we understand, will in
future be reserved for all our leading
criminals, who have hitherto received
only the same attention as their less
regular brethren.
Mr. JOHN ALEXANDER DOWIE is said to
be constructing an airship at Zion City.
If the report be true we may yet see an
apostle up a gum tree.
The author of The Worst Woman in
London has only been able to follow it
up with The Girl who lost her Character.
A sad anticlimax.
News ofr the heir to the Russian throne
is so scarce that we were interested to
read, the other day, on a placard : —
CESAREW1TCH
IMPORTANT
SCRATCHINGS
We trust that the usual Tartar was not
forthcoming.
Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE has published,
under the heading " A Night with a
Comic," an account of some hours spent
in the company of Mr. GEORGE ROBEY.
There is an interesting rumour afloat to
the effect that Mr. GEORGE ROBEY is also
writing his impressions of Mr. HAROLD
BEGBIE, and regrets that he should have
been forestalled in the matter of the title.
A revising barrister has allowed the
name of a voter at present in a lunatic
asylum to stand on the register, on the
ground that he may recover. The local
TRUE POLITENESS.
(Another incident, at a Tenants' Ball.)
Daughter of the house (dislievelled and torn after one turn round the room wtih elumty
•partner). " Do YOU MIND VEKT MCCH, MB. QCICKSTEP, ir WE SIT OIT THE i
Mr. Quickstep. "JEST AS Tof LIKE. Miss. I'M OM.T A-DASCIII' ro» TOCK PHASCEE^
Liberals have, we hear, decided not to
wait, but to canvass the man at once.
"Trade returns" was announced on
several newspaper placards last week.
We are glad to hear it.
The Diet of Lippe has decided to
stand none of the KAISER'S.
There is now on view at New York a
Tammany Man who has applied to have
his salary as President of the Board of
Aldermen reduced by half, on the ground
that that will be sufficient for him.
The newspaper which announced the
other day : —
POLICE MISTAKE
IXNOCKNT MAN RELEASED FROM PHI*'*
was unintentionally sarcastic.
Mr CLEMENT SHORTER has been criti-
cising Lord AVEBURY'S selection o
Hundred Best Authors, and has pre-
pared a rival caUdogm' i" which he
includes a number of living writer*.
The list, however, is by no means be-
yond criticism, ami at least one popular
lady novelist has discovered a serious
omission in it.
By the by, Mr. SHORTER described his
list as comprising works he would take
with him for a sojourn on a desert
island, and the lady in question, it
rumoured, is so annoyed that she ha*
offered to present Mr. SHORTKR with tin-
whole hundred books if he will promise
to go to the desert island.
There is only one other news item of
importance. Siam has now agreed to
receive picture-postcards with communi-
cations in the nature of a letter, as well as
the address, written on the face. Civilisa-
tion may have temporary w^bac". but
she is always gaining new footholds.
284
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 19, 1904.
LANDED AND LOST.
A FISH TALE.
IT was DICKY TODD who carried the
tale first ; who flung himself down on
the hearth-rug, breathless with running,
and rocking with hopeless laughter.
"Lord! Lord!" he gasped. "She's
landed a fish at last."
Miss FINNIGAN'S fishing was a standing
joke in that shooting lodge up in the
North ; and the women, tired of them-
selves, with two or three sportsmen
back from the hills, gathered round the
wide hearth to listen.
" What has she got ? " asked some-
body. " An eel ? "
DICKY was rocking himself more vio-
lently than ever.
" She's got BELLAMY."
"Wkatf"
" Fact. Fished him out by the hair
of his head. I saw it. Oh, you people,
what you 've missed ! You all saw ner
setting out after him this morning in
her ridiculous wading rig ; and poor
old BELLAMY clung to my arm and begged
me not to leave him — he knew she'd
propose if she ever had him alone."
"So that's why he's been walking
about attended bv a regular string of
•11* Q 1J
gillies !
"Ah, it's all up with him now," said
DICKY. " He planted himself on a real
St. Helena of a place, a bit of a
slippery rock in the middle of the
stream; and Miss FINNIOAN, who can't
swim, started whacking the bushes
lower down. I was chaperoning him
from the hill top. Well, after a bit
BELLAMY turned his head — to see if he
was safe, you know ; and slipped off
his rock. Caught himself a crack on
the side of the head that knocked him
silly, and was hurled along like a log.
The gillie ran and I ran, but the water
runs too, like blazes."
"Oh, go on." He had got breathless
attention now.
" Miss FIMJIGAN," said DICKY solemnly,
"plunged into it like a Trojan. As
luck had it she'd posted herself at the
shallow place, just above the Falls."
There was a shudder in the audience.
The young daughter of the house had
dropped her silver tea-caddy and was
pale to the lips.
"Well, she plunged in to her knees
and grabbed him. It was a fine perform-
ance ; and the triumph with which she
hooked him was the finest part of all."
" How romantic ! " cried the women.
" Romantic ? Ah ! " said DICKY, grin-
ning round at them in the firelight.
' ' That's how it strikes poor BELLAMY.
I believe he'd have thanked her to let
him go over the Falls. They're bring-
ing him in — can't you hear 'em shout-
ing ? —with his rescuer clinging to him,
and a nasty cut on his head. '
" He'll have to marry her after this."
" Oh, bound to, poor chap ! She saved
his life," said DICKY, rocking helplessly
on the rug.
Indeed a noise of cheering announced
the approach of Miss FINXIGAN and her
fish. DICKY flung the doors open, with
a dramatic flourish and let them in.
" Behold the heroine ! " said he.
Miss FINNIGAN took their congratula-
tions with an air of deserving them.
She was a big woman, with fair hair
pushed under a deer-stalker cap ; her
eyes were bold, and she had a loud
laugh like a man's. The other women
had not liked her ; and though she had
rescued Lord BELLAMY, the nicest man
there,— in the hour of her triumph they
liked her less. Still they kissed her.
One had to.
But CARRY, the young daughter of
the house, was standing by the hearth,
holding on to the chimney-piece, her
eyes on BELLAMY, her cheeks as white
as her frock.
BELLAMY made his way unconsciously
to her side, breaking through the rest.
His walk was not steady ; perhaps the
cut on his head, roughly bandaged,
made him dizzy still. Ihe girl laid
her hand on his dripping sleeve.
" Oh, you're safe ! " she said.
" Safe ! " cried BELLAMY. His tone
was curiously bitter ; it was the tone
of a man condemned.
« * 0 «i
" He'll have to marry her after this."
That was the world's opinion, Miss
FINNIGAN'S opinion, and alas ! BELLAMY'S
opinion too. DICKY had got him up to
his room and was looking after him,
chuckling hard.
"Romantic Wedding in High Life,"
he giggled. " There 's a row in the
passage, BELLAMY — I believe your pre-
server wants to come in and nurse you."
" For the Lord's sake keep her out ! "
cried BELLAMY in alarm.
" Can't. Rights of Property and so
on," proclaimed DICKY. " You 're her
property now, you know. Oh., you
wait till you 're stuck side by side at
dinner ! "
" Oh, confound you ! shut up," said
BELLAMY, getting into his shirt. " You 're
a good little chap, DICKY, but I can't
stand chaff. Look here, I owe that
woman my life, and — it 's a debt of
honour. Don't rag a poor devil who 's
got to ask one woman to marry him the
very night he— wanted — to ask another."
DICKY was confounded. He sat down
suddenly on BELLAMY'S pillow, and stared
up at him with his mouth open. This
was worse than a joke ; worse than the
rich Miss FINKIGAN landing her fish and
wading into the peerage. There was
nothing to laugh at here.
" It 's — it 's — is it CARRY ? " he said at
last.
BELLAMY turned away sharply.
" Then, by George," cried DICKY, " it
shan't be done ! "
" It 's got to be done," said BELLAMY.
" I said it 's a debt of honour. She
saved my life, though I wish to Heaven
she 'd let me drown — and I suppose I
belong to her by all laws already."
" But CARRY," objected DICKY, who
was a cousin, " poor little CARRY —
" Oh, Lord ! " sighed BELLAMY, with
his head in his hands.
"Pity you couldn't save her life in
exchange," said DICKY suddenly. "I
suppose that would cancel the obliga-
tion ? "
" No such luck," said BELLAMY sadly.
" Oh, I don't know. House might go
on fire or something. I say, don't pro-
pose to-night. It 's hardly decent. Like
chucking a sovereign at a fellow who
stops yoxir horse. Sit out the dinner,
if you can " (BELLAMY groaned), " and
then say your head 's bad and cut away
to bed ; we '11 look out for Providence
in the morning."
" It 's got to be done," said BELLAMY
with the quietness of despair.
» «• 6 e
Morning laughed over the loch and the
fatal river, and the birches dripped their
yellow rain to the water's rim. BELLAMY
took out Miss FIKNIGAN in a boat.
He was solemnly handing her in when
DICKY TODD (whether possessed by a
devil, or moved with an impulse of vain
compassion, history does not say) seized
CARRY by the arm and lugged her on to
the pier.
" Hi, you two," he shouted, " ferry us
across, will you ? "
"Don't, "DICKY, don't!" said the
daughter of the house in an imploring
whisper ; but DICKY clutched her relent-
lessly. BELLAMY was not likely to hold
on for him.
"You're making it beastly hard for
me," said BELLAMY under his breath,
while Miss FRWIGAN made ifngracious
room for CARRY. DICKY grinned.
" If I 'd got to be hanged," he retorted,
" I 'd be uncommonly grateful to any-
body who postponed the noose. No —
no oar for me, thanks. I 'm a pas-
senger."
BELLAMY took off his coat, and with
two or three angry strokes drove the
boat out into the loch. DICKY sut by
Miss FINNIGAN'S side and pondered.
Poor old BELLAMY was a fine chap,
straight all through. He looked awfully
down, and no wonder, sitting between
the girl he wanted and the woman who
wanted him. And poor little CARRY,
who sat behind him where they could
not see each other — how hard she had
fought not to betray herself when they
were all chaffing him last night at
dinner. Only DICKY saw ! That was a
plucky little thing, if you like. How
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
286
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
[OCTOBER 19, 1904.
her ; she
BELLAMY,
brave she was, with her little white face
fixed reproachfully on himself. It was
an awkward situation ; he must land
her, poor child, and abandon BELLAMY to
his fate.
He turned repentantly to Miss FINNIGAN,
who was steering, to ask her to run
ashore. By George, he could not stand
that woman's vulgar triumph ! With
his wrath and disgust came a sudden
idea that struck him dumb ; for half a
second he sat quite silent. Then he
jumped up.
"I say, Miss FINNTCAN, see that fish?
-Look!"
His excitement affected
jumped up chimsily too.
"Steady, DICKY," growled
trimming the boat.
Nobody saw how it
was, but the boat was
rocking, and to his dying
day DICKY would never
publicly edmit a shove.
Anyhow, Miss FINNIGAX
disappeared in the water,
bobbing up yards away.
Her shriek wakened the
hills, and BELLAMY, drop-
ping his oars, went in
after her.
The girl was wring-
ing her hands, white
as death, in the bows.
DICKY picked up the
oars and waited.
Already knowing that
BELLAMY (when not fool
enough to get himself
knocked stupid) was a
swimmer, DICKY saw him
landing his floundering
burden. Saw him, an
altered BELLAMY, with a
THE BUNDLEBY BAZAAR.
Now that I can sit down in personal
security and think it all over, I am glad
that 1
instead
opened the
of Mamma,
Bundleby Bazaar
whose nerves are
highly susceptible to sudden shock ; but
there were petrifying moments on that
platform when I would have changed
places with my nearest and dearest —
but circumstances make cowards of us
all. I was chosen to act as deputy by
the Bazaar Committee because Mamma's
sudden indisposition had given them no
time to get anybody more important,
and it is only fair to say that no one,
to judge from my long flowing skirts,
would guess how young I am, and my
manners are quite mature until somebody
occasion promised to be unique — as
indeed it was.
The streets of Bundleby were decorated
with flags, and strings of them crossed
the road at the Assembly Rooms, and
there was quite a little crowd as I drew
up to the door. I was rather annoyed
to find that Mr. BOLTER had sent his
father, a worn, broken-looking person,
to escort me from the carriage, for I was
besides which I was
RUGBY
THE ZOO.
IN ORDER TO DEFRAY THE COST OF BlULDING THE NEW SMALL MAMMAL HOUSE, Jl'ST
OPENED, IT IS PROPOSED TO HAVE A FOOTBALL MATCH. THIS IS A REHEARSAL.
light in his eye and a
laugh on his lip, break-
ing into Miss FINNIGAN'S protestations i makes me
giggle. Anyhow, the hon.
handsomely with the one lucky thing ' secretary, a fine, hearty, energetic person
to be said : " Oh, it 's all right, Miss called Mr. BOLTER, seemed satisfied when
Call it quits."
DICKY came back to reality with a ! procedure.
he called to instruct me in matters of
gnn. Yes, he had got her !
wouldn't be any the worse for
ducking.
" Oh, DICKY, why don't you do some-
thing?" cried CARRY desperately. His
terrible coolness made her wild.
" Do something ? " repeated DICKY in
injured tones. He turned to look at her,
grinning darkly. "What do you call
something ? I 've just this very moment
saved poor BELLAMY'S life — and yours
too!"
She I My amber voile arrived from town in
her j the nick of time, and I felt quite excited
when I drove into Bundleby to make
my first plunge into public life. REGGIE,
my young brother, was to have come
with me, but he left word to say he had
gone on earlier, to help to get things
ready for my reception, and as REGGIE
frequently fails to treat me with proper
respect I thought it quite sweet of him.
He had shown a keen interest in the
Bazaar from the first, and had begged
a week's extra holiday in order to help
NAPOLEON'S HAT. — Some difficulty ap- , in the good caiise. It was to be a very
pears to have arisen as to the genuine- grand affair, modelled as far as possible
ness of this relic. The evidence is of a ] on London Charity FStes, with a " nook
somewhat negative character, as the only | of necromancy" and a "menagerie of
nap that could have identified it has j queer pets," all complete ; in fact, as
long since disappeared.
1 Mr. BOLTER triumphantly announced, the
beginning to feel a little nervous-
conscious of
curious sensation of physical fear, an
apprehensive hush in the air, as soon as
I laid my fingers on the tremulous arm
of my escort.
" You must tell me everything I have
got to do," I said; "I am quite inexperi-
enced, as I told your son yesterday.'
He drew in his breath
with a sudden shudder
at my words.
"My son!" he said;
" tlint was me!"
"Oh, dear," I faltered,
" I 'm so sorry — you are
not well, I 'm afraid."
"Nerves — nerves," he
replied hurriedly, with
a furtive glance round
as he spoke; "and we
have had some trouble
with the queer pets —
the locks on their cages
are apparently ineffec-
tive, and there has been
a little difficulty in con-
trolling them. You will
excuse any little — little
irregularities in that
direction, I hope ? "
" Oh of course," I
said heartily. "I love
queer pets ! " and I
was going to tell him
about my pink - eyed
shrew mouse, only at that moment we
entered the hall.
The stained windows and old carving
had been successfully hidden by festoons
of art muslin and artificial roses, and a
group of gaily-dressed ladies and a few
men stood near the door. They were
speaking in excited whispers, and two
or three were trying to subdue the loud
crying of a little girl. Unheeded at her
feet lay a lovely bouquet of roses, which
I felt sure was intended for me, but
everyone seemed to have forgotten it and
couldn't very well remind them.
The ladies and clergymen who were
presented to me seemed each to have
caught Mr. BOLTER'S furtive expression,
and one and all evidently tried to draw
my attention from the hangings and
decorations which I was endeavouring
to admire in my best manner.
Mr. BOLTER escorted me to the platform,
the others following in a solid body —
indeed there seemed a marked disincli-
nation amongst the small assemblage to
move singly or even in couples.
It was while the opening hymn was
in progress that I noticed a curious
undulatory movement in - the. long
draperies which divided the side-shows
from the central hall. I glanced at
Mr. BOLTER for an explanation, and was
surprised to see that the perspiration
was rolling down his face — which hac
assumed a greenish hue — in great bead
I heard queer scuffling noises all rounc
a squeak or two, and Mr. PARSONS, th
muscular curate, with, his spectacles 01
and his coat off, appeared at an openin
beckoning two gentlemen, who hastenec
behind the hangings. The hymn trailec
weakly to its conclusion. I pronouncec
the Bazaar open to a singularly inatten
tive audience, and prepared to make the
orthodox tour of the stalls. But some
how or other my lavish purchases fel
flat ; the stall-holders seemed more in
terested in the draperies round their
stalls than the pretty display on the top
and one lady to my surprise insisted 01
standing on a chair. REGGIE was nowhere
to be seen, and this disturbed me, for it
is always best to keep REGGIE in sight.
It was while I was buying an ugly
beadwork table-centre that I felt some-
thing nibbling at my patent leather
toe-cap.
"Ah ! " I cried sharply, " what
that ! My ejaculation was like a
match to gunpowder, and the assembled
ladies shrieked to a woman. " Courage,
ladies — courage ! " cried Mr. BOLTER in a
trembling voice ; " it is nothing, I assure
you — nothing at all." He approached
the stall to verify his words, lifted the
liangings with a determined expression,
and out, with an equally determined
expression, walked an alligator.
How I got to the platform I don't
know, but I found myself there in less
ime than it takes to write it, clinging
iesperately to three other women who
lad made the journey with equal celerity.
"PARSONS! PARSONS!" shouted Mr.
BOLTER hoarsely, " where are you ? Come
and catch this brute, or there '11 be a
:>anic ! " and he made a wild dash
under the side-show hangings in search
jf his colleague.
Then everything happened at once.
Mr. BOLTER reappeared as if by magic,
smartly pursued by a small shaggy
irown bear with a merry face, who
ollowed him and the rest of his flying
lock half across the hall, and finally
wrought up short before the refreshment
•tall, where he shared honours with two
>r three monkeys — two or three ! — dozens
if them, of all shapes and sizes, began
o crop up everywhere like a hideous
ight-mare. At the same moment Mr.
'ARSONS appeared in the gallery, with a
tick in one hand and a mutton chop in
he other, evidently trying to dislodge a
:<AND WHO DOES THE VIOLIN BEI.ONO TO, MRS. BBOWH?"
' OH, THAT 's ME 'CSBAND'S, SIB. 'E WOULDN'T BE "APPT TILL 'E GOT OXE."
'BiT I DIDN'T KNOW HE COULD PLAY IT."
'On, NO, SIR, 'E CAN'T. WHY, 'E DON'T maHn.T KNOW 'ow TO wixn IT IT TET!"
at that moment rose and stretched itself.
But in stepping back he trod on the
alligator's tail, and the next moment "'t-
were both running for it. hand in lutii'l.
as we had never run In-fore, urged l,v :i
rattle of scales in <mr n-.ir. \Ve stoppi-d
before a little window in the back part
of the hall, RRIGIE wriggled through
first and pulled me after him. :ind
though I left fr.igineiit.s of tlesli :uid
,/oung jaguar, who was lying among the
palms on the rail of the balcony under
he impression he was back in the
ropics. But the final touch of horror
was added by the fact that suspended
rom the big clock above the door hung
i magnificent specimen of the reticulated
^obra, whose hanging head and darting
ongue effectually stopped those who
preferred the street, in spite of the fact
hat REGGIE— who, flushed with success, frills behind me i
Jiad suddenly appeared behind the j heart I found myself owe i
cenes — was taking unsteady shots at it
vith his catapult.
Then something cleared the flowers in
rout of the platform, and alighted with
rattle of claws by my side— it may
nly have been a kangaroo, but it was
lie' last straw, and leaping to REI
ide I flung my arms about him.
' Save me ! " I gasped.
' This is a bit of sport, if you like !
„ cried, and shaking me off he was
bout to take aim at the jaguar, which
security of the outer air. I turned on
my brother.
"Did you let them out?" I demanded.
"What do you think?" he replied
with a wink. " But don't U-ll the V
Sis, for I did save your life."
"Verv well." I replied. ' I 'II r-n-ider
it— but'l think you'll l>e wise to go
hack to school to-morrow."
And he did, while a large in ••
POSTPONED— was pasted acro.<-
plarards of the Kiindleliy "
288
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 19, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
John Chilcote, M.P. (BLACKWOOD) wiU advance by leap and
bound the movement towards the front rank of women novelists
achieved by Mrs. THURSTON in The Circle. The book is marked
bv originality and power. There is, of course, nothing new
in the idea of a man having a double. Oddly enough, whilst
the concluding chapters were passing through Blackwood, the
nation was stirred by disclosure of the BECK story. A closer
parallel to the resemblance established by Mrs. THUESTON will
be found in Jekyll and Hyde. But it is here, among other
departures from the beaten track, that originality asserts itself.
Mrs. THURSTON'S creature is not one man but twain : a help-
less slave of morphia, and a man of rare capacity who assumes
his name and lives his life. In skilful hands, following the
ordinary lines of daily life, this device offers opportunity of
interesting adventure. Mrs. THURSTON, greatly daring, essays
the House of Commons, and my Baronite, who knows some-
thing of the place, observes that in the matter of local inci-
dent and atmosphere she treads its intricate pathways with
marvellous accuracy. John Chilcote s double, in fulfilment
of his bargain, not only performs the social and business
duties of his employer. He takes his place in the House of
Commons, which he electrifies by a great speech leading to
the defeat of the Ministry and an offer by the incoming Pre-
mier of the Under-Secretaryship of Foreign Affairs. Greatest
difficulty of all, in Mrs. THCRSTON'S hand the crowning triumph,
is John Chilcote s wife. The risky episode in which she
figures is dealt with in manner equally daring and delicate.
Since this note was written announcement is made that
Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER has purchased for stage use the
dramatised rendering of the novel. It is safe to predict
that the en-Prisoner of Zenda will make a hit with the two
John Chilcotes.
In Some Loves and a Life (F. V. WHITE & Co.) Mrs.
CAMPBELL PRAED professes to give "A Study of a Neurotic
Woman." It is a powerfully-written story. Now, although
the clever authoress lias successfully achieved the difficult
task she had undertaken, namely that of giving a careful
analytic study of a Neurotic Woman in the person of Jean,
wife of a South African exploiter of diamond mines, yet
it is the character of the Reverend Hugh St. Million, proposed
as a type of an English clergyman of the advanced Ritualistic
school, that will mainly interest the reader as being a close
and life-like representation of a vacillating emotional man,
whose intermittent struggles against temptation only in-
tensify his human gratification in ultimately yielding. He
hands over a gentle maiden, who devotedly loves him, to be
the wife of his invalid cousin ; and then, straightway, he
conceives a violent overpowering passion for a fascinating
married woman, voluptuous and pagan. He will constitute
himself her director ; he will be of spiritual benefit to her ;
and so the neurotic woman follows the clergyman's lead
and plays at penitence. The denouement is comparatively
commonplace. All the characters are carefully individualised,
and that of the sculptor David Boyde, another of the heroine's
conquests, is drawn with a masterly hand.
spirits, rich in quaint resources, he keeps the thing going
'or over 300 pages. Whether it is worth doing is a question
he reader will decide according to his tastes. Of this form
of humour SWIFT'S Brobdingnag is enough for my Baronite.
The Food of the Gods (MACM1LLAN) suggests to my Baronite
the dream of an otherwise able gentleman who has supped
off sausages. The narrative has all the minute details of a
well-remembered dream, and much of its incoherence. Mr.
WELLS has imagined the discovery of a miraculous food,
which, taken in accordance with instructions, leads to the
growth of a young man to the height of sixty feet. Children
in proportion. Not alone with man does the nutriment work
these wonders. Hens, wasps or rats getting a taste grow to
gigantic proportions. Admitting the fun of the fancy
Mr. WELLS plays with it admirably. Bubbling with high
I have read Lindley Kays, by BARRY PAIN (METHUEN), with
a very deep interest, due mainly to its own admirable quali-
ies, but also in part to the recollection of Mr. BARRY PAIN'S
previous writings. Those who remember the humour, the
:ancy, and the insight shown by his early work in a
Cambridge undergraduates' magazine, and who have subse-
quently watched his rapid progress through the pages of
many London papers, will be the first to congratulate him
on the success of the present book. In this he describes
with a sympathy that lends eloquence to his style, and a
:iumour that makes it brilliant, the struggles and vexations
and disappointments, and the final triumph of his hero.
Lindley Kays is the son of a prosperous, conventional,
religious father, carrying on a hardware business in a
provincial town. The son has genius ; the father has
respectability and its attendant phrases. The atmosphere
of the home, its pursuits, and its total lack of ideas, are
described with a power and a force of conviction that are
almost startling in their intensity. From these deadly sur-
roundings Lindley ultimately escapes, but after his escape
lie becomes less attractive. It is, indeed, the first part of the
book that gives it its striking value.
If but a ray of sunlight be welcome to a fog-depressed
Londoner on a tepid murky morning in October, with what
delight will he not hail the radiant apparition of a most
sweet Sun-Child, coming to him through the BRADBURY AND
AGNEW Bowers of Bouverie Street, presenting himself as the
dainty elf of RUDOLPH C. LEHMANN'S creation, and showing
his portrait as drawn by THOMAS MAYBANK who has succeeded
to a certain department of Queen Mob's Royal Academy, over
which entire institution, " once upon a time," DICKY DOYLE
held undisputed sway. Among the best things in this little
book is the Sterne-like episode of the death of old grey
Dapple, and the most natural scene, represented as having
occurred at Peckwater Towers, when the Marquis and Mar-
chioness condescended to dance in the Servants' Hall. The
Baron congratulates both author and artist.
In The Children's Annual for next year (GRANT RICHARDS),
the coloured illustrations by PATTEN WILSON, especially
when representing such sporting subjects as The Meet
and The Run, in which men and horses all come out of a
box of wooden toys, are genuinely funny ; as also is A Motor
Race by the same artist. These are the gems of the book,
and The Cruise of the Snowdrop and Forest Friends by Mr.
AMES take the next prize. Miss JESSIE POPE has some
pretty quaint and amusing stories and verses, and a figure in
the illustration, signed illegibly, to her Fine Feathers is evi-
dently a not very distant relation of one of the late PHIL MAY'S
inimitable gutter-snipes. It is
a good show for the modest sum THE MHHI BARON
which Mr. Pecksniff professed
his decided unwillingness to ad-
vance Mr. Chevy Slyme by the
agency of Mr. Montague Tigg.
The Tale of Benjamin Bunny
(F. WARNE & Co.), by BEATRIX
POTTER, with daintily coloured
illustrations, presumably also
by the authoress, is a pretty
booklet. Suitable as a present.
Christmas is coming.
B.-W.
OCTOBER 26, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
BLUE BOOKS FOR THE MILLION.
THE firm of publishers who are the
new agents for the sale of Government
publications, state that they are con-
vinced that there is really a greater
demand for these throughout the country
than has hitherto been suspected. They
propose, therefore, to push the sale of
Blue Books and kindred literature by
advertising. We may probably expect
to see some such announcements as these
in the columns devoted to publishers :—
What shall we read in the winter even-
ings? is the question which is being
asked in every home just now. Our
BIG BLUE LIBRARY
contains bright and amusing literature
for everyone. Its pages include, among
other admirable features, chatty articles
by eminent experts on matters of such
everyday interest as Bi-metallism, the
Housing of the Poor, the Hall-marking
of Foreign Plate, the Income Tax, and
the Death Duties, which will delight
young and old alike.
Every Young Housewife
should study Mr. EUSTACE MILES'S fasci-
nating article on How to live on two
Plasmon biscuits and one lentil a day,
which appears in the Report of the
Royal Commission on Physical Deteriora-
tion.
The same book also contains a closely-
reasoned article on Nicotine as a Factor
in physical development, with an ex-
cursus on the educational value of
cigarette pictures, by Messrs. WOODBINE
AND TABBS.
No Boy's Library
can be complete without Mr. G. R. SIMSJS
thrilling new story, The Detectives
Detective, which runs through the pages
of the Report of the Beck Commission.
This story attracted the widest atten-
tion when it appeared as a serial in the
halfpenny press.
The Fact that no less an
Authority than
Mr. STEPHEN ADAMS has spoken in the
warmest terms of Mr. CApWEix's views
on Musical Copyright gives an addi-
tional interest to the forthcoming issue
of that well-known politician's evidence
before the recent Royal Commission
(3000 pp., 16 X 12, 6d.) This monu-
mental work is prefaced by a short
biographical note on Mr. CALDWELL,
written by Mr. WILLIAM BOOSEY, with
special reference to his influence on
music publishing at the present day.
Every Mountaineer will
doubtless Enjoy
that charming book of travels, Round
the, Piccadilly Alps in a Hansom, being
a reprint of the Report of the Congested
Traffic Commission. Draymen, cab-
drivers, and omnibus conductors have
all contributed to its pages, which afford
it need hardly be said, particularly
bright and spicy reading.
A specially expurgated edition has
been prepared for the home <ur
Mr. SAMDEL SMITH, M.P.
Just Published.
Devolution, being a new and revised
edition of that epoch-making i
Home Rule for Ireland. This ed.t.on
has been specially prepared
DUNRAVEN, and two of its principd
attractions are an introduction b;
SONY MACDONALD, and explanatory
notes by Mr. GEOIIGE "
How shall we Decorate
the Spare Bedroom P
is a question which vexes every
couple. They will find th.- answ.-r in
Sir EDWARD POYNTKII'S contri tuition \<>
1'icturet, hou> and ichen t» Huy tlirm.
This admirable little handbook, which
is the Report of the Royal Commuwon
on the Chantrey Bequest, may be con-
sidered the Art Connoissenrs fade
metum. ^
FOOTBALL EXTIUORDISABY.— Every l««dy
being assumed to be now interested m
the deeds of footballers, the following
extract from the Birmingham Argu»
should be read. The match .was between
Preston North End and Not* County,
each of which seems to be better
the other, for, says the report, " as tl
interval drew near both J**"- *"«*
further increase their lead, but failed
do so.
290
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OcroiiKR 20, 1904.
THE NEW DRAMATIC CRITICISM.
Messrs. A. B. WALKLEY and WILLIAM ARCHER are re-discovered
in the former s chambers just after the conclusion of an
Epicurean banquet.
Mr. Walkley. Try one of those cigars — a relic of Spanish
rule, and still preserving something of the aristocratic aroma
of decadent Dondom. Et comme liqueur?
Mi: Archer. I thank you, I will take a Curacao.
Mr. Walkley. But, my dear ARCHER, that is blank verse !
Can it possibly have escaped your notice that you are a
poet?
Mr. Archer. I assure you it was unpremeditated, like the
lark's trill. And yet I have thought a good deal lately about
what the Laureate says in his lecture on the decline of
interest in the higher poetry. Has it ever struck you that
men like ourselves, who exercise authority in our special
department of knowledge, owe a kind of duty to the public
in respect of the form in which we dress our thoughts ? I
speak, of course, of the intelligent public ; not of those who
assist at musical comedies and are therefore past hope.
Mr. Walkley. Quern Deus vult perdere —
Mr. Archer. - — plectuntur Achivi. Precisely. But my
point is that we perhaps owe it to the thinking public to
address them in some higher form of speech than even the
most erudite prose.
Mr. Walkley. Mais, mon ami, que vous &tes impayable !
For myself I confess that I find prose a sufficiently handy
medium for my poly glottic methods.
Mr. Archer. Ah ! but you have never yet attempted the
nobler way. How would it be if in one of our "real
conversations" we rehearsed a few flights of verse? Later
on, if all went well, we might give a public performance in
our respective organs.
Mr. Walkley. I am not convinced that the Times are ripe
for this daring experiment. Still there can be no harm in a
private rehearsal. Would you like to begin at once ? You
have the air of an improvisator -e, and it might infect me.
Mr. Archer. I am certainly feeling rather spontaneous.
[After a decent pause, drops into poetry.
'Tis not — and you, I trust, will bear me out, —
'Tis not that I look back from middle age
Upon an ill-spent life, nor must lament
A bitter aftermath of wild, wild oats.
No ; technically speaking, I may say
I have no " past " ; my blameless record shows
How both as critic and interpreter
I have achieved respectable results
In point of quality as well as mass,
And won my WALKLEY'S praise. And yet, and yet —
Mr. Walkley. What are you driving at ?
Mr. Archer. And yet, as I
Intended saying when you interposed,
I would that I could have my youth again,
And to the task of criticising plays
Could bring the unspoilt wonder of a child,
The dewy innocence of Mr. STEAD !
What say you, WALKLEY ?
Mr. Walkley. If one might only put the dial back
Mr. Archer. Excuse me ; you have got the metre wrong !
You should complete the line I left undone
Before you start another ; and, besides,
Dials are fixed ; it is the shadow moves.
So — to revert to my above remark —
What say you, WALKLEY ?
Mr. Walkley. What I say is this :
Like you, I would I might approach the stage
In total ignorance of antique lore,
Released from that divine but fatal gift
Of knowledge sucked from out the rolling centuries-
Mr. Archer. A foot too long ! Omit the epithet !
Mr. Walkley. Of knowledge sucked from out the centuries,
From ^ESCHYLUS to HENRY ARTHUR JONES.
I would the hardened tablets of my mind
Might have their old consistency of wax
Plastic to first impressions. Think, my friend,
If you and I could go and see The Tempest,
In all the ecstasy of childhood's years,
Twin babes that never learned in Drury Lane
The possibilities of pantomime !
If we could view PINERO'S latest play,
And that erotometric marionette,
While still untutored in the peerless wit
That stamps A Doll's House ; knowing nought about
The Master's energising puppets !
Mr. Archer. Ah !
Mr. Walkley. And is there not a peril lurks for us
In this same portent of perpetual youth,
This wisdom issuing out of infants' mouths
Whose eyes had seen the world ere we were born,
And practise now on their new toy, the drama,
That balanced judgment which belongs to age?
For how can we, who long ago have lost
The early rapture of the unweaned state,
And come to know our drama upside down,
How can we well expect to hold our own
With babes like W. TITHONUS STEAD ?
Shall we not find our occupation gone ?
How shall we fill the yawning interval
Till second childhood —
[Left discussimj thlx nj>i>iillinii i>roblem.
0. S.
THE WHITE RABBIT.
CHAPTER XH.
He Disappears.
" WHERE 's MABEL ? I haven't seen her about for two days."
The Rabbit was addressing the black-and-white Cat, who
was going tlirough the acrobatic performances usually
associated with a feline toilet.
" MABEL," said the Cat, readjusting her off hind leg to the
ground, " is unwell. I heard them talk about a high
temperature or something of that sort. They put a spike of
glass in her mouth and kept it there for a long time."
" How dared they ? " said the indignant Rabbit. " It 's a
cruel cowardly thing to do to a little girl. You shouldn't
have allowed it, Gamp, really you shouldn't."
" Oh, as to that," said the Cat complacently, " I make it a
point never to interfere with humans unless they interfere
with me. They think they know such a blessed lot about
everything. So I just let them go on in their own silly way.
Besides, I 'm told that a spike of glass in the mouth is a
first-rate remedy for a feverish cold — that 's what 's the matter
with MABEL, I fancy — and you don't suppose I 'm going to do
anything to prevent her getting cured, do you ? "
" No, no," said the Rabbit eagerly, " of course not. That 's
not to be thought of for a moment. But tell me, when did
you see MABEL?"
" I was with her," answered the Cat, " the greater part of
yesterday and the whole of this morning. She seemed to
want to have me close to her, poor little thing, so I gave up
ah1 my other engagements."
"Has Rob been to see her?" asked the Rabbit in a
tremulous voice.
" Rather," said the Cat. " He 's with her now. Of course
old Bob isn't much of a comfort in a sick room — he 's such an
upsetter — but I suppose he 's better than nothing at all.
Anyhow MABEL sent for him, and he 's there."
Now all this was gall and wormwood to poor Bunbutter.
OCTOBER 26, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
MABEL, his clear little mistress, was ill.
That was bad enough, but it grieved
him to the heart and made him rage
with jealousy to know that Gamp and
Rob had been admitted to her sacred
room, nay more, had been actually sent
for, while he, with all his love and
devotion, was kept outside in his solitary
hutch.
" Did she —ah — mention my name at
all?" he asked after a pause.
" Oh dear no," said the Cat very
decisively. " She didn't even hint at it.
We were talking about all sorts of
interesting things, you see, and somehow
your name didn't crop up. But perhaps
I might manage to lead the conversation
that way when I see her again."
" You needn't trouble yourself," said
the Rabbit. " She '11 send for me of
her own accord if she wants me."
At this moment the gardener's boy
appeared, and Gamp, who had for him
a rooted objection based on the throwing
of stones, disappeared into the bushes.
" Come along, Red-eyes," said the
boy as he opened the hutch and seized
the Rabbit by the ears, " I 've got to
take you into the house. Miss MABEL 's
asked for you."
" At last ! " whispered Bunbutter in
triumph to himself. At last he was to
be admitted to MABEL'S own room. She
had asked for him. Wouldn't he swagger
over Gamp and Rob when he saw them
again ! Even as he was carried along
he began to concoct the most marvellous
accounts of his forthcoming visit for
their edification.
0 «! & &
"And now, Bunbutter," said MABEL,
"I'm afraid you must go. It's getting
quite dark and I shall have to go to
sleep. But I love you very much, very
much indeed, Bunbutter, and you've
been such a dear good sweet rabbit
that I'll have you in here again to-
morrow for a long long time."
So the Rabbit was carried off and
handed back to the gardener's boy, who
was waiting for him : —
" You 're to take great care of him,
said the old nurse, " and put him back
safe in his hutch."
" Right you are," said the boy, and off
he went.
What happened after that nobody,
except, perhaps, the boy, ever knew for
certain. The boy said the Rabbit seemed
suddenly to swell up so in his hands
that he had to let go of him, and the
Rabbit scurried into, the bushes and dis-
appeared. His story about Bunbutter s
increase in size was derided, but he
affirmed it even with tears. What is cer-
tain is that the White Rabbit vanished
and was never seen again.
My own idea is that he turned back
again into the Prince of SABLONIA am'
,f !,„ T.,™ i;vin<r in stntp nnd luxurv
A TRIFLE MIXED.
"WHY, PRUDENCE, WHERE'S DICKIE? Is THIS A HEW SWEETHEART?'
NEITHER, MISS. IT BE THIS WAT. I BE CO.JRTU.O SAMCEL, BUT DlC» BE C I
in that distant and mysterious country.
You see MABEL had assured him of her
love, and that was all that was wanted
to make the spell work.
When MABEL, her health being restored,
visited the hutch a day or two after-
wards to mourn over the disappearance
of her fluffy little favourite, she picked
a large white feather from the ground ^
" It's just the colour of Bunbuttrr,
she said. "I shall k.-ep it in memory
of him."
For my part I believe it was one (
the plumes from the PRIWF.'H hat.
THE END.
A MATTER OF 'miox.-The members of
the London County Council, having beei
described by their Chairman ;
Guardian Angels, may perhaps come to
think themselves entitled to wings
is to be hoped, writes a correspondent,
that they will not charge them to the
rates.
WELL MEANT, no DOCFT. Tlu- .Irrtry
U'.vA-/;/ Xnrn, in ite arti'-l-1 «|«'ii tin-
departure of the Lwatenant-CRwarncr,
says, "The departure . . <-;ills fi.rmore
than ordinary comment. \V.- siv unhesi
tatingly that tlio dopartnn- of < J.-m-r.il
in an incalculalilc loss f«>r tlir
Inland. We trust that Maj<>r-« «-m-r.d
- [his successor] will follow in In*
footsteps."
WllO WOULD WANT TO OOOK HK.I1 ? " < '-irl
(respectable, strong) Wanted . . . Must
be lean ... no cooking.' •- /*"'•/
Chronicle.
An Equivocal Advertisement.
BLANK'S BREAD
NONE LIKE IT.
" Hum" Congratulations" tnSir Itouirr
on his receiving the firetrdaus Japanese
decoration of the Rising Sun.
292
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 26, 1904.
THE AMAZING VISCOUNT.
MEETING OF PEOTEST.
A PUBLIC meeting convened under the
auspices of the Old Age Defence Societj
was held last Friday, to protest agains
the unwarrantable incursions of imma-
ture talent, and to invoke Parliamentary
interference to safeguard the interests
of middle-aged and elderly authors anc
artists.
Mr. MAX BEEEBOHM, who presided
stated that no time was to be lost iJ
headway was to be made against the
pernicious cult of youth. With great
emotion he read from the Daily Mail oi
the 19th inst. a long account of a boy
artist, the Viscount DE SOISSONS, of only
sixteen, who was exhibiting a collection
of pictures at the Dore Gallery, who was
also a prolific writer in the Magazines,
and had just completed an epic prose-
poem of extraordinary length. Per-
sonally, he (the speaker) always thought
that DORE was a tailor, but let that pass.
No one valued the entente cordiale more
than lie, but it was a first principle of
modern life that nations must consume
their own prodigies.
In conclusion, the Chairman read
letters from several eminent Nestors who
had been unable to attend the meeting.
Lord GOSCHEN wrote to say he couldn't
think what Viscounts were coming to.
He himself did not become one until he
was nearly sixty-nine. At the age when
Viscount DE SOISSONS was painting im-
pressionistic pictures without any artistic
training he (the writer) was a healthy
Philistine at Rugby.
Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, who had been invited
to support the meeting, telegraphed from
Venice, "Consider myself perennially
young — repudiate invitation."
M. MANUEL GARCIA wrote with feeling
on the nuisance of the infant prodigy.
He personally did not visit America
until he was twenty, in the year 1825.
Sir OLIVER LODGE wrote that if the
meeting could do anything, however
small, to check the alarms and incursions
of the youthful interviewer, they might
count on his whole-hearted support.
Mr. FREDERIC HARRISON said that since
the refusal of the British Government
to give back the Elgin marbles, no
event had affected him more deeply
ihan this momentous announcement.
Youth had its charms, its rights, its
privileges, but that was no reason why
it should claim a monopoly of public
attention. Youth was the time for
rtudy, for preparation, not for produc-
tion or competition with artists and
authors of mature years. He did not
wish to intrude a personal note, but
!ie could not refrain from saying that he
liad waited until he was seventy before
he wrote his first novel (Loud cheers).
Sir LEWIS MORRIS said that he was
proud to associate himself with th
weighty .words that had fallen from hi;
distinguished confrere. The best placi
for the composition of epics was on the
Underground, as lie had conclusively
proved in his own case, and nobody o
tender years coiild stand the strain o
prolonged subterranean composition
It stood to reason that anyone who
composed poetry in his minority must
be a minor poet. He would not, how-
ever, go so far as to endorse the revolu-
tionary suggestion that no poet should
be allowed to be published iintil he had
joined the majority.
Sir JAMES KNOWLES here rose and
stated, amid loud cheers, that he had
recently declined an article entitled
" Reminiscences of a Virtuoso," which
had been submitted to him by FRANZ
VECSEY.
Sir WILLIAM GRANTHAM stated with
much emotion that, in spite of many
pressing invitations, he had not con-
tributed to the Daily Mail until he was
sixty-nine.
Sir EDWARD POYNTER, the President of
the Royal Academy, said that he had no
doubt that the usual attacks on the
Academy would shortly begin on account
of their cruel treatment of the Viscount
Phenomenon in not having elected him
to their body. He would not deny that
an infusion of youth might be useful, but
it needed to be very judiciously obtained.
In his view youth, like wine, was useless
until it was well matured.
Mr. A. P. WATT created a painful
sensation by revealing some of the inevit-
able results of the growing craze for
youthful authors. It had been rashly
stated that the Employers' Liability
Act had made the British workman the
.argest purchaser of hair-dye in the
world. He could assure the audience
hat the consumption of artificial pig-
ment among the literary classes was
astounding. And he could name pub-
'ishers who required a more searching
.est than juvenile appearance ; who
would consider no manuscript unless
the author himself brought it (in the
speaker's company) and was prepared
to leap-frog over the junior partner, or
-o exhibit a chest measurement at least
inches in excess of his waist, which
was, of course, a very exacting require-
ment from a man of letters.
Mr. G. K. CHESTERTON, the next
speaker, was objected to on the ground
hat his immature age disqualified him
from being present. He rapidly, how-
ever, demonstrated that age and youth
are interchangeable terms, and that it is
he youngest who are really the oldest. Is
not, he asked, the child the father of the
man ? As for himself, he was, he said,
merely masquerading as a stripling ; his
real age was eighty-two, but he had been
marvellously made up.
A resolution was passed deprecatin
youthful geniuses.
As the meeting broke up the news
was received that the Viscount had
been appointed to the Art Editorship
of the Daily Mirror.
PUZZLES AND PARADOXES.
THE lines of the aspiring bard
Much toil and trouble cost,
And yet, alas ! like many a rime,
They oft turn out a frost.
The magistrate is called 'a beak,
I really wonder why.
Is it because he often has
A piercing eagle eye?
They say the swan divinely sings
With its expiring breath,
The humble oyster too may be
A PATH after death.
A tail you'll find is fitted with
A wag, which seldom fails,
Yet many so-called wags I know
Have most unfitting tales.
One gathers nuts in autumn months
From off horse-chestnut trees,
Is it because a chestnut 's hoarse
It 's sometimes called a wheeze ?
SHOULD A WIFE OPEN HER
HUSBAND'S LETTERS?
BELOW will be found a few answers
which we have obtained to this vital
question.
Mr. HENN-PEKT says : "I should pre-
:er that she didn't . . . but she does.
Please don't mention my name."
A Famous Politician says : " I hope to
send you an answer after I have had
an opportunity of consulting with
klr. CHAMBERLAIN."
Miss OHLDE MAYDE writes : " Only give
me the chance."
Mrs. SMITH-SMITH says: "I have re-
ceived your letter addressed to Mr.
SMITH-SMITH. — That is his answer."
The Postmistress at Little Puddleton
writes : " If she lives in Puddletou she
need not trouble. I can tell her the
contents of any letter coming into the
illage."
BILL BAILEY says: "If she does, I
can't go home at all."
A Poster Contrast.
The Standard.
3000 RUSSIANS
ANNIHILATED.
The Daily Express (same morning).
REVISION OF ANGLICAN
HYMN BOOK.
100 NEW HYMNS.
SYMBOLIC BOOTS.
have heard much of late years
concerning the Degeneracy of the Drama.
Careful research lias been made for a
remedy, and now recent events have
encouraged the belief in aid from the
outside. Where our dramatists have
failed to express emotion and the
development of character, our modistes
have stepped in and supplied a long-
felt want. And why not our boot-
makers too ?
Appended are a few ideas for the con-
struction of a Four-Act play, in which
the desired symbolism is furnished by
the foot-gear of the protagonist.
ACT I,
The hero wears a pair of flamboyant
yellow boots, expressive of youthfulness
and hopefulness. A neat and happy
combination of red buttons is symbolical
of his dawning passion for a charming
lady possessed of a husband addicted to
heart disease. But the top inside linhuj
of the boots is of black leather! This
subtle touch (it will be easy for the
dramatist to write in a few lines enabling
the hero to exhibit the inside lining of
one boot at least during the course of
the Act) is intended to convey to the
audience that the hero is suffering from
a temptation to stage-manage for the
heart-diseaseful husband a " short sharp
shock," which shall at once carry him
off and enable the ' hero to do the same
by the lady.
ACT H.
The hero wears dead black leather
boots, with all the polish rubbed off.
He is about to assist at the husband's
demise, and therefore wears mourning
in anticipation. A bright red tag
hanging out from each boot indicates
that the victim's death is to be accom-
panied with violence.
ACT IE.
The hero wears a pair of obfusc carpet
slippers, somewhat down-trodden in the
sole and embroidered with mauve pansirs
(that's for thought), which are naturally
painful/ seeing that he is filled with
remorse (as is suggested further by the
mauve which stands for half mourning).
He has accomplished his fell purpose,
but the lady has rejected him with
immediate scorn. The slippers are, of
course, indicative of a bootless passion.
ACT IV.
After an interval long enough to allow
some characters with no particular foot-
gear to acquaint the audience with the
fact that " a year has now elapsed," the
hero makes his entrance, wearing the
white shoes of a blameless life. The
audience will be struck with the black
toe-cans, which are of shinini patent
Cockney Sportsman. "IK* Y..I v; »"»»*. »""-' WHISKIES '"' >'" *EEf
lii,,l,lmd hiKxif. "\\'K I'Xi.Y KEEP JIcl'HKlwisV, SIB."
('. 5. "McPHER.sos? HAW- WHO THE HEIVK is HoPHnM*?'
//. L. "MY BROTHER, SIR." .
leather, as distinct from the dull,
unglossy leather of Act II. They will at
once understand that the year has bopn
spent in expiation (shown l>y the white
shoes), mingled with penitence (syinho -
iced 1 1> i he likick toe-caps), tinged wit!
hope (indicated !>y the "shine")
closer observation will disclose rubbe
soles and bronze heels, the former
expressive of a buoyant and ever up-
springing faith in the future, th» latttt
preparing the audience for his eventual
union with the auburn-haired widow,
who has at length learninl ti.f.,ri:i.
forget llie j>ast Then all tJisii
to bring iluwii the h<>us<> anil the curtain
on a big succew u a firet-rate '
Cos-Kisiiis. The Kreniwj Standard
.contents hill recently ran thus:—
FOOTBALL BE8ULTS
294
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 26, 1904.
SUSPENDED ANIMATION;
Or, Harlequin Bunsby and Something Wrong in the
Upper Storey at Wyndham's TJieatre.
THE title of Mr. PINERO'S latest production, A Wife icithout
a Smile, is unfortunately suggestive of an audience without
(i laugh. Not that this description would exactly fit such
iin audience as assisted at the entertainment on the night
of my visit, for undoubtedly they, that is, a considerable
majority of them, did laugh, and there were also heard faint
spasmodic attempts at applause which, being injudiciously
timed, met with no response.
There is not a dramatist whose humour I appreciate and
whose work on the stage I enjoy more than I do Mr. PINERO'S.
Yet with all the will in the world to be amused to any extent,
I found myself during the greater part of the First Act, and
for a considerable portion of the Second, in most unwilling
sympathy with Miss LETTICE FAIRFAX, the charming represen-
tative of Mrs. Rippingill, the " wife without a smile."
Mr. DION BOUCICAULT, with his well-simulated bursts of
idiotic cachinnation, as Mr. Seymour Rippingill, the
conceited, feeble-minded chuckler, became to me a sample
of that worst of all nuisances in a house-party, an oppressively
irrepressible amateur humourist. Mr. LOWNE as Wettmarsh, a
sort of amateur who, having once been a society clown, has, by
marrying an amateur poetess (cleverly played by Miss DOROTHY
GKIMSTON), been sobered down into an amateur journalist with
amateur dramatic aspirations, is another portentous species of
the genus bore. In fact, except Mrs. Lovette, perfectly rendered,
for all the character is worth, by artistic Miss MARIE ILLINGTON
(how does Killicrankie get on without her 1\ and except John
Pullinger as represented by Mr. HENRY KEMBLE, there seemed
to me to be no single character among the dramatis personce
whose sayings or doings, however well said or well done, could
be of the slightest interest to anyone.
Of course the play is a mere farce, an extravagant farce
of the old Palais-Royal type, and the adaptation of electric
bells to the same use as that to which Mr. PINERO puts his
wire-hung doll I certainly remember in a very broad piece
entitled Fiacre No. 117. Also I call to mind a device closely
resembling it in Le Dindon, as likewise in another French
play of a similarly outrageous character. I cannot help
thinking that had any author, other than Mr. PINERO,
succeeded in getting this piece placed on the stage, its run
would have come to a very abrupt conclusion. As the effort
of a novice it would have been "returned with thanks"
by even the most speculative Manager who might have had
the patience to read it.
The sole touch of true comedy in the farce is of Dickensian
origin, and no student of Dombey can fail to refer the
reverence exhibited by Rippingill for the words of Jack
Pullinger to that of honest Cap'en Cuttle for the oracles of
Jack Bunsby. What a Jack Bunsby Mr. KEMBLE would
make were the Florence and Walter episode in Dombey
and Son treated, apart from the novel, in a brief dramatic
sketch !
Mr. PINERO seems to have worked back from a situation
that tickled his fancy, namely that of a strung-up doll whose
movements, when in a state of suspended animation, would
indicate the action of certain persons above who are invisible
to those below and to the audience. Suppose, for example,
that any individual were taking exercise on the sofa in the
second-floor room in order to reduce his weight, the doll,
suspended by a wire from the ceiling of the first-floor apart-
ment, would be violently agitated. The idea is scarcely worthy
of our leading dramatist. Perhaps, if the laugh had been
turned against Jack Bunsby Pullinger, there would have been
no room (on any floor) for objection ; but when the doll's
lively movements accompany a duet, then that is quite another
storv.
NO GRATUITIES?
(By a Conservative Weakling.)
FOLLOWING upon the success of a recently-opened restaurant,
and the "tipping" revelations in a recent County Court case,
the idea of " non-tipping " hotels has been mooted. It was
inevitable that the Sortes Shaksperiance should be consulted,
with the result that some new readings of an all too familiar
passage (given hereunder) have been discovered.
To tip, or not to tip ; that is the question : —
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind, to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous Fashion ;
Or to take arms against a host of hirelings,
And by opposing, end them ? — To dine, — to sup, —
No more ; — and, having supped, to say we end
The heartburn, and the thousand natural qualms
That guests are heir to, — 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To dine ; — to sup ; —
To sup ! perchance to sleep ; ay, there 's the rub ;
For in that sleep what nightmares may arise
When we have shuffled with a varlet's fee,
Must give us pause. There is the disrespect
That makes calamity of many a life :
For who would bear the scorn of chambermaids,
The porter's flout, the henchman's contumely,
The pangs of proffered but contemned coin,
The insolence of office-jacks, the spurns
That patient gentles from the clownish take,
When he himself might a quietus give
With bare-faced guerdon ? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a hateful toll,
But that the dread of someone left untipped —
The late-discovered menial from whose clutch
No traveller escapes — puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those inns we have,
Than fly to hostels that we know not of ?
Thus custom does make cowards of us all ;
And thus the no-tip hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and daring,
To husband hard-earned monies, turn awry
And fail of execution.
Just So.
Cheerful Sitter (showing his own portrait, a crayon draw-
ing, recently finished, to a friend). He hasn't made me look
particularly cheerful, eh ?
Friend. Why, what could you expect but a drawn expres-
sion ?
YOUNG DORDLER, who doesn't " do much in a literary way,
dontcherknow," heard two friends talking about a recent
publication mentioned by the Baron last week, entitled The
Sun-Child. " What the doose, eh ? " asks the severely critical
DORDLER, "why didn't he call it 'The Boy' at once? You
don't call a girl a ' Daughter-child,' do you ? It 's reg'lar
affectation. Hey, what ? "
A CORRESPONDENT of the Saturday Review recently remarked
that to him personally the phrase "someone has a great
future before him " sounds ridiculous, because it is not
possible to "have a future behind him." Isn't it? How
about the Greek grammatical tense recognised as the Paulo-
Post-Futurum ?
"NiNE tailors make a man" is an ancient proverbial saying.
When this old saw was new, what must one man's tailors'
OCTOBER 20, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIlAIUVAItl.
ONE of the leading Russian news-
papers is now suggesting that the
Japanese shall no longer be called
monkeys. We doubt, however, whether
this proposal, even if carried out, would
be sufficient to induce the Japanese to
withdraw.
It seems queer that Civilisation should
add to instead of ; —
decrease the hor-
rors of war. The
Poet Laureate has
just published a
long poem on the
Russo-Japanese
conflict.
More reckless
motor-driving !
" The coroner for
North-east Essex,"
says a contem-
porary, "was ena-
bled by the aid of
his motor - car to
hold three inquests
in widely - distant
parts of the country
within a few hours."
Each lady patron
of the matinee per-
formances at the
Court Theatre now
receives a printed
notice to the follow-
ing effect :— " The
enclosed tickets are
sold on the under-
standing that ladies
will remove hats,
bonnets, or any kind
of head-dress." It
is as well that it
should be known
that this refers to
the ticket-holders',
and not to other
ladies', head-dress.
CHARIVARIA.
13th of the present month, the General Mingling among tin- f.«.iUdl 1 1 ,
Post Office officials would like it to be tin- \irinit\, iln-y fmli-il
known that they have often delivered
post-cards even more quickly than that.
Now that a magistrate has decided
that a lady has no right to make a lunge
at a cabman with a sword-stick, the 'bus
conductors, it is rumoured, intend to J rushed into the
tion.
"\\ln-ii a dog Ix-longing to a signal-
man at Yateavilli- il'.S . on tin- \f
Valli-y Railway, found that his matter
had dropped dead, he seized a red flag,
centre of the railway
track, and stopped
an oncoming
preaa, which m\^.:\
otherwise havr
with a serious dia-
ItttilyKxprrM. "Do
we believe?" aalu
the Daily Telegraph.
A certain section
of the Art World
has been thrown
into a paroxysm of
delight, and the
airs certain paii
are now giving
themselves un-
to hrhold
n KM
I'KUoii, in ili-
pictures with an
eminent i'\|»Tt, I*
rr|H>rti-d to have
said, " I'erhaps,
The title of Mrs.
BROWN-POTTER'S
latest theatrical pro-
duction, Forget-Me-
Not, is not being obeyed.
APPRECIATION.
Fir* Mountaineer (to Second ^
Some
shame.
of
clergymen have no sense
Several of them have been
> I li I I I II . k^C * \sM.t**- " _ .-,
bragging, in the columns of the Daily
Mail, as to the number of sermons they
have preached. .
-.With reference to the statement
published last week to the effect that ;
post-card posted in North Shields in May,
1900, was delivered at Newcastle on the
take action with a view to testing the
legality of ladies stabbing them in t:
back with umbrellas.
The war of the sexes continues
The
J.11O Wttl W* •"*» — -- - . . ^-*i . .
Principal Boy at Drury Lane thas C
X
will be Miss
LEIOHTOX,
mas w
while the Principal Girl, we undersb
will be Mr. DAN LENO.
Two convicts escaped from Wormwood
Scrubs prison in
their offic.al costume.
after all. tl
lows are right."
The Japan
who were saying
only the other d:i\
that they iliil not
need an advam-e
from out.side, now
acknowledge that
the Russian ad-
vance was useful to
them.
Tin- Cliiiirnaii of
Barniouth Urban
Council has de-
scribed Wales as
the natural play-
ground of England.
We think, however, that those Welahroen
who want to close the schools through-
out the Principality are carrying the i
too far.
An arch political nat-catcher," is
MACNAMARA'S description of Mr.
' WHAT A LOTELT COOMTIT —
Dr.
i/r. uutv"^*w | * o 1*
CHAMBERLAIN. Some Members ol
u,,-iit may well be nervous.
THE CATCH or THE SEASON. < 'ol>U
296
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Oeroni-R 26, 1904.
COMPREHENSIVE.
Owner (as the ear starts baching dawn the Mil). "PiJLL EVERYTHING YOU CAN SEE, AND PIT YOUK FOOT ON EVERYTHING ELSE!'
THE BOOK OF THE MOMENT.
Although the Crielcet Season Is oner, Mr. Frederic
Harrison scores his Tenth Century.
CONVERSATIONAL PLAGIARISMS OF THE
AHCIENTS.
"'Think me not unkind,' cried the young
hero, ' if I have to hasten away from the holy j
shrine in which your love has suffered me to
kneel., to worship and to adore ; think me not
cold if I hurry off to my sovereign and my
command. I could not love thee so well, if
it were not that I loved honour even more.' "
THE above extract from Mr. FREDERIC
HARRISON'S romance of the tenth century,
Theophano, shows how idle it is to sup-
pose that any sentiment can be new.
When LOVELACE wrote :
1 could not love thee, dear, so much,
Loved I not honour more,
he was credited with a pleasing inven-
tion. Alas, he was but quoting from
Basil Digenes, the hero of Mr. FREDERIC
HARRISON'S romantic monograph, who
had, we now learn, anticipated him by
at least six centuries.
Mr. HARRISON'S many pages, were they
searched carefully, would doubtless yield
other scraps of dialogue equally preju-
dicial to latter-day poets. Thus : —
"Alas, madam," cried LEO the Curo-
palates to the EMPRESS at Drizibion, "it
is preferable of a surety to have loved
and have lost than for ever to have
endured a vacuum where love ought to
reside."
n.
The walls of the Magnaura, in which
STYLIANOS stood, communing with himself
on his passion for the peerless AUGUSTA,
were entirely covered with panels of
Proconnesian and Phrygian streaked
marbles. "Ah, "he exclaimed, smiting
his breast, " that man either fears his
fate too much, or minute are his deserts,
if he dare not put it to the test and
succeed, or suffer failure."
the gates of the Chrysotriclinium closed
behind him with a discordant clang,
" how true it is that where the spirit is
free neither the most ponderous mural
architecture nor the most massive metal
bars can produce a sense of incarcera-
tion."
Overheard at the London Art Olub
Exhibition.
in.
My most incompre-
Couocillors," cried
"Ho! Ho! Ho!
hensible of Privy ^UUUCLUUIB, tucu
the Basileus, with a ringing laugh.
" Another perjury. But at lovers' per-
juries, it is reported, Jupiter does not
conceal his merriment."
She (before a picture of a
lady). Hundred and ninety-one. (Refers
to 'catalogue.) " Tete Espagnole" — 01
however you pronounce it — what 's that ?
He. Why, spaniel's head, of course-
must be numbered wrong.
IV.
" Alackaday ! " cried MARIANOS APAMBAS,
the dauntless Theodolite of Adana, as
THE Daily News, in commenting tipon
the bestowal of the freedom of the ciU
of Bristol upon Sir WILLIAM HENRY WILLS
says :
"For more than a century Sir WILI.UI
HENRY WILLS, who comes of an old Bristo
family, has rendered loyal and devoted service
to his native city."
This makes Sir WILLIAM more than
the Father of his City ; it makes him
its OLD PARR.
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— OCTOHER 26, 190-1
VENETIAN REVERIES.
RICIIIT HON. A-ST-N CII-MB-RL-N. "THIS IS BETTER THAN SOUTHAMPTON WATER!"
RIGHT HON. J-S-PII CH-MB-EL-N. "AH!— POOR DEAR AHTHUR!"
PUNCH, OR THE LONION CHAI.MVAKI « >, „„,
SOUTHAMPTON BEVELS.
M» CO«™« A,»o,™. "GOOD GRACKW AU™;i!; «UVT
RIGHT HON. AKTH-K B-LF-R (in costume /or the Fancy h
[Meeting of the National n^ Conservative A.., at -Sou.ha.npto
26, 1904.]
PUNCH QR THEJ.QNDON CHART V ART
"A THOUSAND MELODIES UNHEARD BEFORE."
Little Girl (to Sportsman, just diamountfd from roarer to adjust his curb-cttain). "HULLO, ALFRED! PnriS'i us A NEW Tt'XI?'
TO A PERIPATETIC MINSTREL.
ITALIAN, swart and freely oleaginous,
That through the hours anterior to the morn
Dost banish sleep and wake unholy rage in us
By playing " Christian Soldiers " on the horn ;
0 more than skilled to lacerate the tympani
And take the luckless sleeper by the throat,
Thine ear-compelling onslaught leaves me limp, an' I
Writhe in an anguish like a dying stoat.
There is a Something balefully insidious
Pent in thy weapon's penetrating blare ;
Its breathings are the most profoundly hideous
That ever cleft the uncomplaining air.
Perhaps the charm that soothes the artless savage's
Intractile breast is wanting from thy strain ;
Perhaps thine instrument's peculiar ravages
Are prompted by a love of causing pain.
Perhaps a burning sense of man's ingratitude
Invigorates thy petrifying blast ;
Perhaps this merely represents the attitude
Of one who plucks a sweet revenge at last.
Unknown thy motive is ; but I suspect it has
Birth in a breast phenomenally hard,
And oh, the dire— the desperate effect it has
Upon the wakeful senses of the Bard !
Mr. Punch's Proverbial Philosophy.
OF two evils choose the otic that you like Ixnt.
If your motor cannot absolutely annihilate time ami -
it can account for most other tiling.
He gives twice who gives quickly, for lie in sun- t" !»•
asked again.
It is easier to be wise for others than for yourself, Imt
by no means so popular with the other*.
The beat is said to lx> the chea|>ent in the end Imt none
of us know which end.
It's better not to be a hero to your valet than to he a
valet to your hero.
Answer a fool according to hin folly often enough an I
you will find you have written the book of a nni-ical
PATRIOTISM.— An Isle of Wight vicar writes in \i\- 1'ari-h
Magazine of the excellent start in life afforded by t
Schools "to countless scholars, many of whom art- occupying
to-day excellent positions in life, and in Newport."
BREAKING IT GENTLY.- A boy having taken a
back to school against the rules, was told l>y hi* nm 1 -in •
it to him to be cared for during term. Instead nf the animal
came the following considerate lctt.-r: I am so worry I
can't send the guinea-pig, but it is dying. In fact it IB
dead. The butler buried it yesterday."
302
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 26, 1904.
ESSAYS IN UNCTION.
Witli acknowledgments to Mr. Harold Berjlie.)
HI.— THE TWINS OF DESTINY.
THE paths of prophecy are beset by pit-
falls and strewn with stumbling blocks.
Yet how far more honourable it is to fail
in a noble venture than to revel in the
ignoble security of surefooted induction !
Among the burning questions of
latterday Weltpolitik none is of more
^grossing interest than that of the future
of Austria-Hungary. A congeries of
races, a babel of tongues, a welter of
conflicting interests — all held together
by the thread of a single life— that of
;he lion-hearted septuagenarian FRANZ
JOSEF! Will the centrifugal forces
prevail when that heroic figure is elimi-
nated from the garish scene ? Will the
heritage of the HAPSBURGS be parcelled
out among a score of yelping nationalities
or be absorbed in the ravening maw of
Pan-Germanism? Will chaos or con-
solidation prevail ?
Can the Dual Empire hold together ?
That above all is the question muttered
in fearful whispers in all the Chanceries
of Europe. The omens of debacle seem
to predominate, but I fearlessly answer
— It can. This is no rash or baseless
assertion. It is the result of profound
study of the racial factors of the situa-
tion, of the law of heredity, of the irre-
sistible trend of modern thought. The
upshot of these investigations can be
succinctly stated in a few irrefragabl
propositions : —
(1.) A Dual Empire ex hypothesi needs
a dual throne.
(2.) Of the conflicting nationalities
Hungary and Bohemia are the
most mutually antagonistic, anc
their reconciliation is mosi
peremptorily needed.
(3) Bohemia has been acciirately de-
scribed as a race of fiddlers, while
in Hungary — nobilis Hungaria —
the influence of the aristocracy is
supreme.
Is it not strange, then, that in view
of these facts it should have been lef
for a simple but consistently impulsivi
English iournalist to indicate where th
salvation of Austria is to be found
Are diplomatists so purblind as not t<
recognise the momentous possibilities o
the union of JAN KUBELIK, the princ
of Bohemian violinists, with the lovelj
Hungarian Countess CSAKY — a unior
blest with twin offspring ! In default o
any direct male heirs of the House o
HAMBURG, how could the claims of col
laterals be expected to weigh for on
moment against the overwhelming ere
dentials of these superbly endowed an
adorable infants? The blue blood o
Hungary — the beautiful blue Danubian
ichor — flows in their veins ; the fiery
rtistic temperament of the Czech is
Iso their birthright. They are lovely,
igh - spirited, healthy children, with
apphire eyes and delicately - arched
nsteps. They are young, but the hand
lat rocks the cradle rules the world.
ALFRED HARMSWORTH was only three when
e started his first paper. JOSEPH
CHAMBERLAIN wore an eyeglass in the
ursery, and ALFRED AUSTIN lisped in
lumbers before he could speak.
It is a privilege as well as a pleasure
o be able to inform the public that
•CUBELIK himself is fully alive to the
nomentous responsibilities thrust upon
aim by the call of Destiny. " Tell the
>eople of England," he said to me
^esterday morning in his princely sanc-
um, " that I do not shirk the awful
luty." And then he flung his noble
lead back, laughed a great quaking
augh, full of the luscious gusto of life,
md twisted his limber hands in weird
Michelangelesque convolutions. " The
wins are splendid, their appetite is
^alstafEc, their voices stentoresque.
Already they prattle fhiently in Espe-
ranto, and dance the Czardas on the
slightest provocation. Their education,
lowever, is a serious matter, and a
terrible struggle took place the other
day as to which twin should be helped
irst. Eventually the Ausgleieh was
stablished, but not until tears had been
shed."
" Yes," I observed gently, " but then,
as the noble Hungarian proverb has it,
More was lost on Mohacz field."
"True," he rejoined with a limpid
chuckle, for KUBELIK'S sense of humour
is only equalled by the luxuriance ol
bis chevelure. " They must learn by
suffering what they teach in song.
They must be cleansed in purging fires
before they climb the Pisgah heights
of Macassarine majesty on which it
behoves the brood of genius to repose.
But I have no fears as to their future
Their vitality is prodigious, their bulk
colossal," and here the strong-thewec
virtuoso almost wept as he told me of a
priceless motor-perambulator, the gif
of CARMEN SYLVA, which had collapsec
beneath the weight of the august pair
as they were taking their constitutiona
in the Andrassy Strasse at Pesth.
Quickly recovering himself he criee
in vibrant tones : " But you must excuse
me now. I have an appointment with
Count BENCKENDORFF in ten minutes a
the Russian Embassy," and he sailec
out of the room on tiptoe like a grea
and glorious seraph, his coat-tails quiver
ing with inexplicable emotion.
I sat speechless for several minute
musing on the immutable decrees o
Fate, on WEISMANN'S theory of heredity
and the attitude which FRANZ JOSEF o
Austria would assume towards his twin
Would he bow to th
successors.
nevitable and proclaim them in his life-
ime, or would he declare a truceless war
n the great-hearted infants and preci-
)itate an Armageddon beside which the
attle of Sha-ho would be mere child's
lay ? But the strain was too great, and
ousing myself with a supreme effort I
>ersuaded the major-domo, a Czech of
xtraordinary beauty and with a rich
yrupy voice, to see me safely back to
iarmelite Street in a four-wheeled cab.
FEMININE FIGURES.
ARITHMETIC 'tis well to shun,
Of puzzles it has plenty :
For instance, I was twenty-one
When MADGE was sweet and twenty.
Old Time, as fast the seasons flow,
Worked on me with his leaven ;
I felt the weight of thirty-two
When MADGE was twenty-seven.
The marvel grew to huge estate,
MADGF, proved of time so thrifty, •
Remaining simple thirty-eight
Long after I 'd turned fifty.
My brain is plunged in awful whirls
By mathematics' rigours,
And who shall now maintain that girls
Have no control of figures ?
It is a Wise Child that cores its
own Father.
" I HAVE known gun headache cured by the
shooter holding between his teeth a piece
of india-rubber, a child's sucking ring for
preference." — Correspondence in the " FieliL"
A FALSE POSITION. — In the Daily Mail's
report of the Chartered Company's meet-
ing we read : " Mr. MAGUIRF. sat with
chin on elbow looking moodily at the
gathering." This acrobatic feat is worth
trying ; better than any elastic exerciser
for increasing the flexibility of the joints.
There has been nothing like it since
JOHN BRIGHT in the House of Commons
turned his back upon himself.
AN AUTUMN DELICACY. — Among the
cookery recipes in The Easy Chair is
the following :
STEAMED CHERRY PUDDUJG. — Cut an ounce
and a half of dried cherries in small pieces.
Put two ounces of bread crumbs, half a pint
of milk, and one ounce of castor oil into a
saucepan, and let it simmer for five minutes.
When cool stir in two beaten eggs and the
cherries, &c. &c.
The italics are our own. Uneasy is
the Chair that eats such a pudding.
IT is rumoured that tha French
Government may suppress public lot-
teries. Suggested epitaph: — "Here a
sheer hulk lies poor Tombola."
OCTOBER 26, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
OLD FRIENDS.
>! WHAT nomi or
. .. n,, VMTHI-.-O. ONLT-I MARRIED HER.
304
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 26, 1904.
CARLISTS AT COVENT GARDEN.
THE San Carlo Grand Opera Company made a good start
last week under the direction of Mr. HENRY RUSSELL, son of
Mr. Punch's old friend of long ago, whose spirited songs are
still heard on the concert-platform and belong to the stock
repertoire of every well-conducted orchestra. Acting Manager
NEIL FORSYTJI, encouraged by summer season results, having
associated himself with Mr. REKDLE of Old Drury, the two
together have .started an autumn campaign which, judging
from its capital commencement, certainly deserves the success
that 'tis not in mortals to command.
Our Muse, who favours us with her gracious company on
this occasion, here illumines our matter-of-fact remarks with
poetic inspiration :
To the excellent troupe of San Carlo, from Naples
(Where biscuits and ices are prominent staples),
Mr. Punch, who all genuine merit befriends,
The wannest and heartiest greeting extends ;
For they prove in a manner convincingly strong
That Italy still is the Mother of Song.
Operatic Ornaments ; Manon and her Lovers.
If you ask for a proof, take the scene on the jetty
Where CARUSO-Des Grleux parts from J/ttnon-GlACBETTI.
But though singing's the strength of the Naples brigade,
Other notable gifts they 've already displayed.
They can act, their ensemble 's first-rate, and — a boon
Seldom granted — their chorus is always in tune.
Then the band is a nailer, strong, mellow and slick,
With one eye at the least always fixed on " the stick."
So, to wind up our lay with a bit of advice,
If you want to enjoy, at a moderate price,
A treat operatic, be off in a trice,
Book seats for A'ida, or Marion Lescaut,
Eifjoletto, or Carmen — they 're none of them slow —
And you '11 be delighted whenever you go.
On Wednesday, Mr. Punch's assistant-auditor informs him,
there was a grand performance of La Tosca. Madame
GIACHETTI as Floria Tosca sang well and acted finely, and
the audience acclaimed her success uproariously. As her
unfortunate lover Mario (name reminiscent of triumphant
tenor long since gone to take his part in the music of the
spheres) Signer ANSELMI sang delightfully, and his acting
was occasionally powerful. Signer SAMMARCO was a thoroughly
wicked Baron Scarpia, that is, melodramatically speaking, the
moral qualities of the character being entirely subservient to
SAM MARK'S excellent vocal and artistic powers. So, not furthei
to particularise, all were good in an opera that will never
become a genuine favourite, as it is only a trifle less gloomy
than the tragic play from which it is taken.
Thursday/.-- Itiqoletto to an enthusiastically appreciative, bu1
jy no means a full, house. Signer ANSELMI was quite the
disgraceful Dook, and his great La Donna e automobile song
twice vociferously encored. Mile. ALICE NIELSEN as Gilda, like
eau sucree, was sweet but not powerful. Madame FERRARIS as
Magdalena the merry, excellent. Last concerted piece well
given. All good.
Friday. — House crowded for Carmen. Enthusiastic calls
:or Mile. ALICE NIELSEN, Madame GIANOLI and, of course, Signor
ROBINSON CARUSO, delightfully associated with Friday.
Conductors CAMPANINI and TANARA, and "everyone con-
cerned," are to be congratulated upon a genuine success that
nigurs well for the short season.
"PA, MA, AND BABBA."
A PERSONAL MESSAGE FOR YOU AHOUT THE NEW MAGAZINE.
To the Reader,
Have you ever asked yourself what life would be like with-
out the Magazines ? No ? Then don't do so. Such a state
of things must not be thought about.
Possibly you have been living in a fool's paradise, and
considering that there are already enough Magazines. There
ire not. One more has yet to come, and that is the biggest
of all.
It is coming almost before you can turn round ; and you
will have to buy it regularly. You cannot escape.
It is called Pa, Ma, and Babba, and where other Magazines
give one page it gives two, where other Magazines give two
advertisements it gives four.
It is a veritable powder Magazine.
The World and His Wife, another forthcoming Magazine,
is said by its proprietors to open flat. Pa, Ma, and Babba
will neither open flat nor be flat in a single page.
It contains something for every member of your house,
from the burglar on the roof to the cockroach in the base-
ment.
It is the giant of the Magazines --the Drum-Major of the
Kilties and the Fat Boy of Peckham rolled in one. Long
before you have got through it the next mimber will be here.
It will be packed and running over with new features.
Every page will contain something novel. There will be
stories by Sir A. CONAN DOYLE and CUTCLIFFE HYNE, Mrs. L. T.
MEADE, and ARTHUR MORRISON.
No pains have been spared to produce an entirely new
thing. There will be interviews by HAROLD BEGBIE.
Another feature of startling freshness will be a prize com-
petition.
The dear children will not be neglected. A first-rate
literary aunt has been engaged to prattle for them.
There is not a line nor a picture in this most wonderful
production that is not aimed to benefit you. Its proprietors
hope to lose by it.
The Magazine will be worth ten shillings. Its price is
only sixpence.
You will be able to get quite a lot for the back numbers as
waste paper.
Pa, Mn, ii nd liabba is thoroughly up-to-date: the first
number went to press two months ago.
Soliloquy.
JoJm Bull (making a mem. in his note-book). " We went
to Tibet to make a treaty "--Ahem ! Let me see. Under
what heading shall I enter this? Eh? Ah, I see — "Re-
Treaty." Urn !
OrmiiEis I't), 1904.]
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE BALTIC FLEET.
MONTH BY MONTH.
LIBAU, October 24, 1904. — It is stated
on good authority that the Baltic Fleet
will sail for the Far East on the 27th or
28th hist. Renter.
KI.VAL, October 26.— The battleship
Gonaxhoravlosk is again aground, but it
is hoped to refloat her in three weeks'
time. She will have to undergo exten-
sive repairs, and in consequence the date
of departure of the Baltic Fleet has been
again postponed tillJNovember 13. — Our
Own Correspondent. -. —
ST. PETERSBURG, !
November 12. — The
TSAK lias expressed
his intention of say-
ing good-bye to the
Baltic Fleet in per-
son, prior to its
departure for the
Far East. During
some manoeuvres
yesterday, two
cruisers (believed to
be the Runamokia
and tiieStrukamine-
ski) collided and
sank in the excellent
time of 2 min. 15
sec., thus constitut-
ing a record. The
Fleet will sail on
December 22. — Our
Special Correspon-
dent.
LIBAU, December
28, 1904.— The
Baltic Fleet, con-
sisting of 5 battle-
ships, 7 cruisers,
and 96 transports
laden with coal,
sailed to-day for the
Far East at 11
o'clock, but came
safely back again
men of the Baltic Fleet, and wished th.-m
good luck and a safe return. Th,
(consisting of 3 battleships, 5 cru.
and 156 transports laden with coal) went
for a trial spin immediately afterwards.
There were very few casualties, and tl,.-
Fleet will finally start for the Far East
on the 2nd, 3rd, or 15th of March.—
MOM Ml A
LIBAU, April 1, 1905.
been fixed as a suitable
To-day
one for
baa
tin-
Baltic Fleet to begin its final departure
on its eventful voyage to the Far East.
The TSAR shook hands in person'with the
Admiral and this officers. Immediately
YOUNG NIGHTY THOUGHTS.
Mamma. "HERE COMES NURSE TO BATH YOU BOTH AND
QO QUICKLY."
Little. Girl. "On DEAR, MUIUIIE, I WISH I WAS A NIOHT-DRESS!"
Mamma. "WHY, DEAR?"
Little Girl. " THEN I SHOULD ONLY HAVE TO oo TO THE WASH
in the afternoon.
(Later) The armoured cruiser Blowupp-
vitch, on entering the harbour, cams in
contact with a floating mine, and will, it
is feared, become a total wreck. — Press
Association.
PARIS, January 2, 1905. — News comes
from St. Petersburg this morning that
the Baltic Fleet (consisting of 4 battle-
ships, 6 cruisers, and 130 transports
laden with coal) is now ready to start
for the Far East. The battleship
Sprungaleekski will not be able to
accompany the squadron as was hoped,
but owing to her speed of 8J knots, she
will be able to catch it up when the
necessary repairs have been made. The
date of departure of the Fleet is now
fixed for January 20. — Renter.
REVAL, February 19, 1905.— The TSAK
to-day bade farewell to the officers and
afterwards, preceded by the flagship
Neversaydieski, the squadron (consisting
of 2 battleships, 3 cruisers, and 172
transports laden with coal) steamed
slowly once more out of the familiar
harbour. It is a matter of considerable
comment in official circles that this is
the first time the fleet has started with-
out a telegram from the KAISER. At the
time of writing the squadron is still in
sight. (Later) A large fleet (consisting
apparently of 2 battleships, 3 cruisers,
and about 170 transports) is making for
the harbour, and has signalled for a
pilot. — Our Own Corregpondfnt.
=====
LITERARY GOSSIP. — A new motoring
novel by the author of An Eye for an
Eye is promised, entitled A Toot for a
Toot.
The i|ii. •-!... ii \,,i| raiae u a
pu//ling on,-. If t:
i at tin- ,
voi:r own I -li,,u|,:
till the other part;,
tin- matter. Sm.-e, pOMeMUi^
j superior, tin- inn...
fr..m him. If on t
coat given you is a won-.
own. it will he quite pni|«-r f.>r .
make enquiries. F.tiiji.
the; application of common sen-
COBJIOI-,
The hhirt problem
you name w ol
with us. II..
the growth of civili-
salion liiiH to BOOM
. it.
Then-are now i
Turkish Biiths in
l>iinlori win-:
ihirt may be washed
and starched win l-i
you wait. I regret
that I cannot
anything in favour
of the india-rubber
reversibleshin
name.
: \M ItHl'll'
— You say that \ou
are certain that an
acquaintance al-
ways deals himself
the ace of lira:
Bridge, and ask
advice in tliematter.
Discretion is a
able. Do not
nounce him
scenes are vulgar
but keep him under
observation. You
cannot ilotlii- ;
than by always arranging to 1*- ln-
partner when you indulge in a friendly
rubber. You will n'ml that so mm h in
this matter depends on the j...mi ol
MII.I.ION.MKK. Hy all means wear
protectors, they are most fashionable
The "chic" boot protector is made of
silver with the owner's monogram en-
graved on it. The Iwot proUi
only economical but ornamental, if tin-
wearer has the presence of mind when
sitting always to put his fi-et on a i
bouring chair. The gold boot protectors
to my mind seem ostentatious.
DRSPERATE. — You are married, you
have become engaged to another .
and now you find that your affe.
are really placed elsewhere, and
for advice. Have you noticed th-
vertisement of the Klean Kut Razors
in our columns ?
YOU TO BED. Now IE GOOD A*D
WEEK!
306
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 20, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
On the Outskirts of Empire in Asia (BLACKWOOD) is enriched
by many photographs, snapshots taken in places remote from
Charing Cross. They are not the kind of work of art the
most indulgent R.A.'s would add to treasures accumulated
under the Chantrey Bequest. But they have the value of
novelty and accuracy. The proudest illustration of Lord
RONALDSHAY'S book is the map that illustrates his journey.
Across a broad section of the earth's circumference stretches
a thin red line marking adventurous route from Constantinople
to Baghdad, skirting the Caspian, to Baku, on to famed
Samarkand, preceding the march of the Russian army in
Manchuria, popping in at Pekin via Port Arthur, debark-
ing at Nagasaki, and proceeding by land to Yokohama.
Lord RONALDSHAY is a born traveller, with an eye to scenery
and a keen scent for incident. Far above the stature of the
ordinary globe-trotter, he has in him something of the states-
man. He sees in Asia, as saw Prince HENRI D'ORLEANS, the
battle-field in which once again will be settled the destinies
of the world. The nation which succeeds in making its
voice heeded in the East will, he proclaims, be able to speak
in dominating accents to Europe. Holding this creed he
recognises a kindred spirit in Lord CURZON, whose recent
utterances on the proper and possible position of England in
the Far East he qxiotes with warm approval. " Let the people
of this country," he writes, "understand that a policy of
unsupported diplomatic protest will not always prove efficient
in retaining that position of supremacy in Southern Asia
which is vital to our being." My Baronite likes that delicate
phrase, "unsupported diplomatic protest." Ten thousand
miles Lord RONALDSHAY has journeyed through Asiatic Turkey,
Persia, Transcaspia, Turkestan, Siberia, and Manchuria,
sometimes by rail, occasionally by steamboat, otherwise by
raft, on land by anything that would go on wheels. He has
brought back lessons worthy the study of our masters and
pastors in Downing Street and at Westminster.
A Hand at Bridge, by LANCE THACKERAY (Fine Art Society),
is a story without words, told in four coloured "humorous
drawings," in which, however, the humour is not too
conspicuous, having been, perhaps, a bit toned down in order
to show up the six-colour lithographs. No doubt this smart
set will catch on to many a hook in the smoking-rooms of
country houses, where its brilliancy will be chastened by the
artistic hand of Time. From the Bridge point of view the
situations, as depicted, are quite sound, though, if the artist
be himself a "Bridger," he should have reconsidered the
attitude of the Colonel (in Plate 2), who, in his surprise at
being " doubled," is showing his hand to both his partner
and the leader on his left !
My Nautical Retainer writes : — Like the missionary and the
commis-voyageur, Mr. MASON travels for others. When he
trots by land or trawls by sea, he does it as the agent of a
vast public that delights in vicarious adventure. So it is
that in TJie Truants (SMITH, ELDER) he once again embroiders
his romance with the colours of far and unfamiliar scenes.
This time he has to tell us of the North Sea trawling fleets ;
of Fez (where I understand that Mr. MASON recently took on
my Lord the SULTAN at billiards) ; and of the advanced posts
of the French Foreign Legion in the hinterland of Algeria.
And it is done with that sureness of touch and particularity of
detail which come of knowledge at first hand. But the task
of finding fresh excuses for transporting us into these
unhackneyed regions is liable to exhaust the most fertile
ingenuity ; and the difficulty of inventing for his processes
that disguise which art demands grows greater with each
new novel. In the present case the motive which induces Tony
Stretton to join the Foreign Legion (and so work Sahara into
the book) bears far too close a resemblance to the motive which
inspired the hero of The Four Feathers to seek distinction in
the Soudan. He has the same ambition to restore himself in
the eyes of a woman ; but, while in the earlier book no other
course was possible, herp the motive lacks imperativeness ;
and even the man who obeys it has to work very hard and
pigheadedly to convince himself of its adequacy.
These are the flaws in a book which for the rest affords
one more proof of Mr. MASON'S abiding freshness and charm.
He seems, too, to show an advance — though still on this side
of subtlety — in the analysis of his women's characters. Of
his men, M. Giraud, the schoolmaster of Roquebrune, is the
least probable. He is situated rather too near Monte Carlo
to be so innocently curious about "news of the great world."
As for the story itself it is of the most engaging interest ;
and, if one misses the fascination of certain scenes in The
Four Feathers, yet perhaps in The Truants the author
achieves a more level excellence ; and in any case he has only
himself to blame for so exacting a precedent.
The Garden of Allah, by ROBERT HICHENS (METHUEN), is the
story of "the journey of a searcher who knew not what she
sought." Such is the author's summary description of his
own powerfully fascinating novel. The "searcher" is
Domini Enfilden, the heroine of the story, a strikingly
original character, drawn with all the affectionate care that
can be bestowed by an artist on the gradual development of
his own creation. In the perfecting of her strange lover,
Androwski, the author lias not permitted himself to be led
astray from his fixed design of compelling this sinner to
do penance. The parable is complete : the self-sacrifice is
grand on the part of the woman, while the man, at first
reluctant, yields to her will as if in obedience to a divine
oracle. The tale is as it were a newly-imagined Chris-
tianised version of Cupid and Psyche, pictured in impulsive
word-painting, aglow with the deep rich colouring of
an Eastern sunset. The atmosphere is of the Desert, that
" mystery of space " which the author does his very best to
people with living realities. Should the reader feel at all
wearied by this wealth of colour and superfluity of detail,
it is because he has to plod on through scenes where the
chief characters, in whom all interest centres, say little, and
do less. Such an one knows that the protagonists whom lie
seeks are in the crowd, and that he is bound to come up
with them, for a few seconds at a time, in the course of many
lengthy paragraphs of vividly descriptive narrative. During
his search he will be bewildered by Arab boys, praying
men, Oriental Jewesses, by sounds like countless multitudes
of bees; by feathery palms obstructing his vision, by flies
and lizards that bother him ; then gazelles, girls with elastic
waists and vivid draperies will impede his progress ; innu-
merable smells will nauseate him, orange trees, gums, and fig
trees will restore him, hautboys and tom-toms will stun him,
until flashing knives awaken him to the necessity of pushing
along, extricating himself from the tohu-bohu, and regaining
the lost heroine and her companion. But all this mise-en-
scene is put aside when the
author clears the stage for real
business, and then we are spell-
bound to know the issue. This
novel has the Baron's imprimatur
and his strongest recommen-
dation.
TJie Twins (NELSON AND SONS)
is a capital " picture book " for
the coming Christmas time, wi th
verses by EDWARD SHIRLEY to
suit JOHN HASSALL'S illustra-
tions, or vice versy.
THE
BAKUX
THE
OF MR. B.
I. 0. TWINS, ,|,e Secretarj
ot the I' reo Loaf Commission, has kindly
forwarded us the following interesting
summary of the reports issued bv the
medico-legal exports called in by the
Commission to examine abnormal cases
"I OerebraJ divagation produced bv the
stress of the recent fiscal controversy.
In accordance with the rules laid down
by the Commission, and to prevent any
awkwardness arising from publicity, the
names of the experts are withheld 'and
that of their subjects indicated solely by
an initial. The present reports 'are
entirely concerned with a person who,
for the reasons just mentioned, is known
by the simple appellation of Mr. I!.
It appears that the first examination
of Mr. B. was made in April, 1903. The
experts were able to state their convic-
tion that there was a serious deficiency
of the fiscal sense, but they asked for a
delay of six months in order to keep
their patient under observation. In
November, 1903, they sent in a further
report. In the interim a variety of
peculiar and conflicting symptoms had
declared themselves. The experts declare
that Mr. B. had temporarily abandoned
his tastes for healthy out-door recreation,
psychical research, novel reading, and
classical concerts. He had developed a
curious partiality for loud and noisy
music, in which instruments of percussion
predominated ; he had become a victim
to the craze for rapid travelling in motor
ears, alleging as his reason that only
thus could one approximate to the ideal
condition of being in two places at the
same time ; he had come to exhibit an
antipathy towards several of his colleagues
and indulged in clandestine correspon-
dence with others ; he deliberately
studied the most obscure and unintel-
ligible philosophers, while his whole
conduct was dominated by a desire to
mystify his oldest friends and most
devoted admirers.
The final report was ma< le in September
last, and is a most curious and perplex-
ing document. As a result, of further
and prolonged investigation, the experts
found themselves unable to pronounce
definitely whether the patient was affl icted
with a grave, form of mental malady
which would render his continuance at
large a danger to the public. But his
intellectual condition differed essentially
from the normal in that he constantly
betrayed symptoms of that curious
derangement of the speech-centres known
as metaphasia. Ordinary patients suffer-
ing from this complaint are in the habit
of substituting for the right word some
other totally dilleront one. h'or example,
they will say, "I rode here on my ency-
clopaedia," meaning my bicycle, or.
"Hand me the parlour-maid," meaning
WOMAN — EVER UNREASONABLE.
"HANDS UP! OR I HRK!!"
the marmalade. In this case, however,
the metaphasia pro\es t<> lie of a much
more subtle and complicated nature.
Mr. B.'s interchange of words doc- n»t
take place merely where concrete lads
are concerned, but in relation toab-lrae
lions as well, his peculiarity lieing to sub-
stitute for the word connoting a quality
or set of qualities another connoting
diametrically opposite attributes. Thus
the experts found him habitually using
the word "retaliation" when lie meant
"conciliation," " preferentialism " when
he meant "free importation." '•free-
trader" in place of " protectionist." and
vine, eerad, They accordingly a—en
that there existed in the patient "a
totality of -ymploii < hie phe
nomeua, partly dcftvtr; irlly
absolute defects, which implied a ooudl
lion which they inu-t d.
nf mental hondiadys i.r -pirilu d double
joiniodiiess unfitting him
with ordinary individual*
inidv recommend that he should
[.laced under partial rr.-tr.iint in
iir sanatorium. laL
a closed carriage, and a>:
liate day-
••Tiii: I.'
after'" the Port of I/
uncommonly like a "\Vine.and \\
mixture, which i- rap
308
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
: \o\oiiiKi: i', 1901.
A FAMOUS VICTORY
Am— "We Battle of the Baltic."
[It is said that, in his first report to his august Master, the Admiral
of the Baltic Fleet referred to his performance on the Dogger Bank as
"a serious encounter."]
OF the Admiral of the CZAR
Sing the North Sea night's renown,
When that gallant Tartar tar
Toward the Dogger drifted down,
Heading cautiously and slow for the South,
Full of thankful wonder at
His escape from Kattegat,
And his heart still pit-a-pat ]
In his mouth.
Cautiously he felt his way
Where the snares were sure to be,
Turning darkness into day
With his lights that searched the sea,
For his Teuton friends had said, " Have a fear !
Where the British trawlers ride,
You are certain to collide
With a foe the other side
Of the sphere."
Ay ! beneath the stars' eclipse
Who could say what levin-cracks
Might explode from battleships
In the guise of simple smacks,
What infernal submarine booby-trap,
Masked as mackerel or as sole,
Or a porpoise on the roll,
Might contrive to blow a hole
In his scrap.
Hark ! the sudden cry outrang :
Hostile trawling fleet ahead !
And each rustic lubber sprang
Like a rocket from his bed,
And prepared to meet his doom, face to face ;
And across the dazzled night
They could see this dreadful sight —
Fishers, by a greenish light
Gutting plaice !
Then the Admiral swore an oath,
And the word went down the line,
And the captains, nothing loath,
Read the flaring battle-sign,
And they took its meaning in at a glance ;
" Hearts of Oak ! your duty 's plain ;
Lay your guns," they cried, " in train ;
You may never get again
Such a chance ! "
Then the cannon belched their shot,
And the warriors grew more bold,
And the sport more fast and hot,
When they heard no thunder rolled
Back in answer from the dumb-stricken foe ;
Till aloud the landsmen laughed
As they watched the helpless craft,
Raked and riddled, fore and aft,
Blow on blow.
But at length their task was through,
And the gunners stood at ease,
And they left each shattered crew
To the mercy of the seas,
Where Destruction walked with Death oon the wave ;
And the Admiral, much impressed,
[•'lashed the signal : Clod l>c lilt1*! !
I'ln a medal on I/if lnwist
Of the Irave!
So the fight with odds was won,
And the victors went their ways,
Flushed with duty nobly done
To the glory and the praise
Of the majesty and might of the CZAR ;
And their fame arrived, one day,
Where a British squadron lay,
Somewhere near thy noted bay,
Trafalgar !
0. S.
LOCAL COLOUR.
given by the "Pilgrims" to the officers of the
the waiters were dressed as sailors, and the tables
[At the banquet
American Squadron
were shaped like battleships.]
IT was a happy thought of the Bachelors' Club to give a
dinner in honour of Colonel YOUXGHUSBAND'S return from Tibet,
and the manner in which the "effects" were carried out
deserves no little commendation. Mr. GILLETTE, superbly
made up as the Dalai Lama, took the chair, the rest of the
members, appropriately in such a temple of celibacy as the
Bachelors', representing monks. From time to time showers
of stage snow (kindly lent by The Hand of Blood No. 1
Travelling Company) fell from above upon the table, and it
was pleasant to see the tactful way in which the gallant
Colonel dodged such particles as remained in his soup. The
liveliness of the proceedings was further enhanced by the
constant firing of Jungs by trained marksmen stationed in the
doorway. The club waiters, in the character of snow leopards
and other wild beasts such as in i'est the desolate regions of
the Chumbi Pass, played their part admirably. Indeed, their
practice of springing with a howl on to the shoulders of the
diners as a prelude to offering them the choice between clarel
and hock, may perhaps be termed almost too realistic.
The banquet held in the Pavilion at Lord's by the M.C.C.
to commemorate the retention of the ashes was a complete
success. The tables were shaped like bats. Instead of chairs,
the guests sat on the splice. All the waiters, made up as
umpires, were required to have a well-marked crease in their
trousers. Much interest was aroused by the novel manner of
" helping " inaugurated on this occasion. Directly the brief
grace "Play!" had been pronounced by the Rev. F. H.
GILLINGHAM, plates full of deliciously appetising comestibles
began to fly across the room, urged by the trained hands of
first-class fast bowlers. The fielding on the whole was excel-
lent, except that there were no slips between the cup and the
lip, and Mr. BOSAXQUET should have got both hands to the
savoury.
At the complimentary dinner given by the Home Office to
Mr. ADOU BECK only waiters whose names were JOHN SMITH
were engaged, and Mr. W. CLARKSOX made them all exactly
like each other and Mr. BECK — with the exception of a few
unimportant details, such as the shape <>!' the nose, the colour
of the eyes and hair, the size of the head, and the position of
the gooseberry marks.
A BIT ROCKY. — " We can almost feel the pavements of
London rocking with the movement of the surrounding sea."
So says the writer of an article (" Master Worker" series) in
the Daily Mail. Yet this is not an admission of intemperance
on the part of the author ; he merely wants to indicate, in
his powerfully graphic manner, the effect of Trafalgar Day
on the inhabitants of an island like London.
—
w
_
w
-
-
j
t-H 7
H
O
•^
-
THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER.'
George (Itinerant Punch-and-Judy Shoitman). " I SAT, BILL, SHE DO wuw ! *
Bill (his partner, with drum and box of puppet*). "H'M — IT'S MORE THAW wt
MAFFICKS AND OBSCURITIES.
{An
unpublished chapter from Mr. R-dy-rd
K-pl-ng's neicest, jerkiest, brainiest,
brawniest, full-bloodedest, meatiest, mar-
Ctttoutest, moodiest, packed- full -of -
meanimjest Book.)
\ 'I'n the reader. — Mr. R. K. calls
special attention to the verses introduc-
ing this chapter. They are not neces-
sarily connected with the subject-matter
of the chapter (if it may be assumed,
for the sake of argument, that the
chapter has a subject-matter), but they
speak for themselves and utter a warn-
ing that no Government not utterly lost
to all sense of duty can afford to neglect,
No prizes will under any circumstances
be given to those who attempt to inter-
pret either the poetry or the prose.]
OCR KIDDIES Too.
From — no, it 's 'fromm ' : it 's a German
word,
Pious, or, shortly, ' pi,'
Cushioned about on a minor third
Between the low and the high.
The streets are packed and the busses
blocked ;
Constable raises hand.
Far in the distance ears were shocked.
When up struck a German hand.
All that the cabmen do or dare,
Loaded it is and lone
On the mighty lips of a mighty fare,
Perched on a purple throne.
All writing-paper, pen and ink,
All words that spell Desire
Are but a spark of limkrn link
To bring again the fire.
From it is ' fromm,' n German word,
Pious, or, slmrtly, ' pi.'
( 'iishinned :il>oiit mi a minor third
Between tin- low and the high.
[If the foregoing verse*, should be
considered too j»T-piciion-i tin- following
may be substituti-d
OK I in: "I :TBH.
Look out, look out, the lii
Hut all the trains are gone,
The station in.i-i'T u.mw his hand,
The trucks are coming on.
T!i' ,.vil undergraduate
IY< ••••••'Is to his degree.
And one is i-arly. »i •
Hut, All HI n. <t i'ii/
312
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 2, 1904.
The passengers are spent, in vain,
In vain the boilers boil ;
The guards are iled, but we remain
The toilers and the toil.
Inspectors by their several needs,
As HruiM/inr shall decree.
As this retires and that recedes,
But, All must pay a fee!
The doors we slammed to make them
fear,
Who were not dignified,
Shall all lie locked till we appear
On one or the other side.
For when the call for Us is heard
We shall not fly (or flee) ;
Kuril mini shall collar hisown preferred,
But, All mufft ]>n]j a fee!
[To the reader: Xow for the real stuff,
K-PL-NG'H own pure prose,
100 h.-p. on the brake.]
question is raised to a higher sphere of
dialectics."
Then the fun began.
CHOPPER took it on the side of the
head and returned it to WONK.
" Mind your bloomin' crumpet," he
shouted, his face puffed and purple with
suppressed laughter.
"How's that, Umpire?" came from
CRONK. "Oh, oh, oh, you'll kill me
with cacklin*. Holy Muckins ! What a
jamboree this is."
They were all bunched up together,
I" sweating, cursing, pushing and kicking,
TOMKIXSON'S snub nose appearing and
disappearing in the crush like a ripe
tomato.
Then with one last heave the pack
swayed, broke, scattered and reeled over,
RAW.
know the lot," said
see,
" You
the Buster. " Let me
there's PALK and TOMKINS<>\,
and BoraEs and HARMER, and
MUSPHATT and WONK, and
CRONK and POPPER and
CHOPPER."
The Buster had gone
farooshing in the Punjab for
a matter of five years. Hence
his lingo.
" What the—
" That 's just what I tell
'em."
" Durro imits?" I asked.
"Now look here, Sonny.
I 'm not taking any. See ?
Besides, where 's the use V
Half the men we meet are
tight, and the other half don't
know. That's war."
.It was at this point that
the Water-Rat intervened, the
genuine old English black rat, mind —
none of your brown Norwegians.
"Blunk, blunk, blunk, oh blunk,"
said the Rat, as the water soused him.
"Has anybody seen my Cat? I confess
I am not altogether habituated to the
decidjtoiis nature of drops of — er —
watjHpekall we say? — yes, water."
T'IC Grey Cat was also one for
language. "My dear fellow," she ob-
served languidly, " you ought not by
this time to be unaware that it is the
property even of particles to obey the
laws of gravity first discovered by
NEWTON --not a bad fellow, NEWTON, a
good friend of my great-great-great-
great-great-great-grandmother. Parti-
culce grdvifdtem obediunl proprin. <JHCK
inni'ibiis."
" Thanks," said the Rat, " I quite
comprehend; but you must admit that
when once the doctrine of plenary in-
spiration is introduced into the discus-
sion— introditcltur in dlscussionem — the
CHARIVARIA.
THK fact that the Russians stated that
they saw two torpedo-boats when they
fired in the North Sea has not unnaturally
led many persons to believe that there
may have been one of the craft there.
The son of the Amir HABIBULLAH, who
is to represent his father in the Afghan
Mission to India, is but fifteen years
old, and, with the exception of Afghan
head-dress, he always wears European
clothes. Clad in a turban and an Eton
jacket, the child, we are told, cuts a
not unimpressive figure.
President ROOSEVELT has invited the
Powers to propose a date for the meet-
ing of a new Peace Confer-
ence at the Hague. We
understand that (he only
answer received so far is from
the Greek Government, which
suggests its Kalends
likelv time.
QUESTION
THE HOUR.
President ROOSEVELT'S action
in the matter is taken, it is
said, with a political object —
to gain votes at the approach-
ing election. Suggested motto
for the President : — Pax
Votiscum.
One of the candidates in the
municipal election at Peter-
borough has spoken his
address into a gramophone,
and this now harangues the
various meetings. The funnel
is said to form an admirable
receptacle for the eggs and
similar trifles that are given
away on such occasions.
MUSPRATT squealing for joy as the res!
floundered in the mud. It is untrue that the recent cock-
It was the best joke I ever saw. crowing competition held in Paris took
I never laughed so much in all my life, place at the Chamber of Deputies. It is
— j difficult, seeing that there is now an
i-nlcnti', to imagine how the mistake can
MANY patriots think that we are under jl;(ve ar;sen
the mark in the claiins we have made
Great Britain
victory at the
She has carried
Scotch whiskies.
NOTHING TO DO WITH THK RUSSIAN OUTRAGE OR THE RUSSIAN-JAPANESE
WAR, NOR WITH ANY OTHER EUROPEAN TOPIC OF MOST MOMENTOUS CHARACTER
--BUT IT IS —
How TO GET LAST SEASON'S BOOTS OVER THIS SEASON'S CALVES?
as a
on Russia for reparation. But they
are actually quite ample if we are to
believe the following poster of an evening
1 WHAT
ENGLAND
DEMANDS OF
RUSSIA.
The Sun.
has gained a notable
St. Louis Exposition,
off the first prize for
THE Weekly Irish Tinn'x states that a
nobleman (who shall be nameless) is
" paying a number of shooting visits
in Scotland." This looks dangerous for
anybody who may be paying flying visits
in the same neighbourhood.
It is feared that the Marquis of
ANGLESEY, -who is staying at Dinanl. has
now become a permanent exile. His
twelve cures for sea-sickness have been
sold.
The City stationer who is exhibiting
a row of portraits in his shop-window
labelled " Actresses — hand-coloured,"
must, we feel sure, be libelling a long-
suffering profession.
NOVEMBER 2, 1904.1
CHARIVARI
Sir Fnaxxasx BKIWIK has t.M
surprise because lie was not placed upon
We should have thought that the pre-
judice of the Church against Bridge was
An electric tram-car suddenly burat
into flames in the Old Kent Road one
night last week. The effect is described
by those who saw it as being exceedingly
pretty, and a pleasing and effective
novelty for street illuminations has
undoubtedly been discovered.
Gibson, the Zoo's new gorilla, is dead,
in spite of the careful attention lavished
on him, and it is mentioned, as showing
the amount of distress in the countrv,
that many applications to take his place
have already been received.
According to Mr. WHITTLES, a lecturer
on dental pathology at the Birmingham
University, " Graw-craw " lias made its
appearance in this country. Mr.
WHITTLES' view is that the disease is
disseminated by kissing. The theory is
now being tested by a large number of
students.
We must apologise to the Poet-Lau-
reate for having, by mistake, referred in
these notes to his recent poem on the
War as being a long one. It seemed
long when we were reading it.
More realism ! Not only has what is
believed to be an exact model of Noah's
Ark been constructed at Copenhagen,
but it was filled on its trial trip with a
number of scientists.
Messrs. HEINEMANN have just published
1001 Indian Nights. By GHOSH.
" BRIDGITIS."
[" ' Bridgitis ' is the latest complaint the
doctors have discovered. . . . It is a name
given to a disease which the faculty trace to
over-indulgence in the pastime of Bridge."
Sunday Times.]
WESTMINSTER BRIDGE HOSPITAL REPORTS.
CASE 100.
\iiin,' of Pni'icnt. Lord DUMARESQCE
("DUMMY") DE BROKE.
Ailil >•<'*». Clubs (various).
Nature of Complaint. Bridgitis.
Condition on Hntn/. Ruffled.
Description of ]}res.i. Black suit.
- A.M. (pulse}. Very weak hand.
2.5 A.M. Examination showed patient to
be in a state of " Chicane " — quite
devoid of strength.
2.15 A.M. Patient wild and reckless.
"Paying no attention to the
c. •
A PROMISING PROSPECT.
Adolphus. "I SAT, HABRT, OLD EOT, WHAT no TOI- mix* or Miss Bn.'izr. ? Ir'n or« rtwr
SEASON.
WKI.I, n mis u UH riMT Snaox, »IUT WILL
SHK BE NEXT VF.*R 7 "
score," or so, of students at
side.
2.30 A.M. " Discarding" rapidly.
2.40 A.M. " Revoke " susj <
ing operation necessary.
3.0 A.M. Bad heart rf revoke."
;',..-, \.M. " Grand slain" of all
in.
,;,•,;> A. Snrau
A. YM;II»I:'>I <
TV, tinier*
li firm.
Apart fnun t!
xiMiids as if it iniK'lil have cuino from
Admiral K"7 '"it the
epithet "voting" i- a-
and it is far • attriliul.
II-
314
[NOVEMHEII 2, ]90-t.
"FORM " ON THE FIFTH.
(In anmrei- to numerous Guy correspondents.)
A GUY WHO CONFESSES TO BEING RATHER PARTICULAR ABOUT HIS
GET-UP "-If as you seem to anticipate, you find yourselt
ompelled to go up Bond Street on business next baturclay
noming, I really don't think you will look at all out ot i
n a bowler hat/a chintz morning coat, and tweed contmua-
ions, even though one of your feet should be in an Oxford
hoe and the other in a side-spring boot. At this time c
vear a certain license in costume, is always permissible, ai
everyone will assume that you are merely passing through
own to join some smart house-party.
ALL TO PIECES.— You say you are feeling "thoroughly
Collapsed," and ask me to recommend some cheery place, not
oo far off, to which you could run down for the week end.
I fancy a visit to Lewes would buck you up,— or you might
have quite a high old time at Hampstead next Saturday.
SENSITIVE.— (1) You have my sincerest sympathy. As you
ustly remark, a complexion of a uniform hedge-sparrow-egg-
Dlue tint, contrasted with lips of Royal Mail red, is calculate,
o attract more attention than is agreeable to a Guy whose
sole desire is to escape observation. But if I were you 1
should not give way to morbid worry over facial peculiarities
which, after all, will not excite even a momentary prejudice
n any person whose good opinion is really worth having.
Choose a costume as far as possible in harmony with your
general colouring, deftly steer between the Charybdis of
dowdiness and the Scylla of sartorial extravagance, and you
need not fear that the unobservant Londoner will notice any-
thing very unusual in your appearance. (2) Yes, I have seen
the advertisements you refer to, but from all I have heard oJ
face treatment I cannot recommend you to undergo the
process.
AMBITIOUS. — You are " extremely anxious to make a sensa-
tion on the Fifth, but fear that you are of so ordinary an
appearance that there is every prospect of your being over-
looked." Considering that you describe yourself as possessing
the advantages of " a strongly marked pea-green countenance
and a wealth of hair of ultra- Venetian auburn," is it not jus
possible that you are a little bit over-diffident ? However, i
you are bent on producing a still more striking effect, you
will probably gain some useful wrinkles by consulting
Beaxity Specialist.
UP-TO-DATE GUY. — Do let me advise you to give up your
notion of hiring an 18-h.p. automobile for the Fifth. Evi
dently you have no idea of the formidable competition which
you will encounter if you adopt this means of progression
Better by far stick to your donkey-barrow.
PERPLEXED. — I am afraid I cannot give you any precise
information concerning the character and antecedents of a
certain " Mr. WILLIAM BAILEY," with whom you say you are
identified by a cardboard placard adorning your chest, no:
can I enlighten you as to his precise share in the Gunpowde:
Plot. I seem to have heard his name somewhere, but in wha
connection I really cannot recall just now.
PRUDENT. — (1) Unless the penny weeklies with which you
seem to be so amply provided internally are all of the curren
issue, I hardly think that the insurance coupons they contaii
would, even if signed by yourself, entitle you or your repre
sentatives to recover in case of accident on the Fifth
(2) Possibly, but your difficulty will be to find a Fir
Insurance Company willing to undertake the risk for anj
premium whatever.
HYPOCHONDRIAC. — Judging by your account, I should no
say that the swelling you have noticed in your left shin wa
a serious symptom. In all probability it is merely cause
by a slight congestion of straw or shavings, and could easil
e reduced by massage, or the application of a simple
gature. Do you take enough exercise ?
"NoLi ME TANGERE" asks, "Which is entitled to rank
.igher in the Social Scale—a Guy or a Scarecrow? "—and
egs for an early reply, as he has " a bet on it with another
entleman." Well, " NOLI ME," &c., you have raised rather
nice point, and one which I am not prepared to decide at
uch short notice. Guys, like baronets, date their original
nstitution from the rei'gn of JAMES THE FIRST— but I have
Kvays understood that the Scarecrows have possessed a
take in the country for- a considerably longer period.
A GUY WITH A BLOOMING CHEEK. — Yes, there are one or
wo fine old eighteenth century Sedan chairs in the Victoria
nd Albert Museum — but, from what I know of the
uthorities at South Kensington, I should consider it most
unlikely that they will accede to your request for the loan of
me of these vehicles on the Fifth. In any case, I am strongly
>f opinion that an ordinary cane-seated chair would be in far
)etter taste, and you would feel more yourself, and at your
ease in it, especially if you adhere to your proposed kit of a
saper cocked hat, frock-coat, and corduroys.
A GUY WHO WANTS TO COME OUT STRONG ON THE FlFTH. The
price of the patent Muscle Developer to which you refer is
2s. Gd. But I must not encourage you to hope that, in the
imited time at your disposal, any amount of exercise will
enable you to resemble in either physique or endurance the
gentleman whose pictures you have seen on the hoardings.
F. A.
THE WOOIN' O'T.
[" In Siam any young ladies who remain unmarried after the conven-
tional marriage age become the wards of the King, whose duty it is to
Drovide them with husbands. Any criminal, murderer, or thief is given
•he alternative of marrying one of the Royal wards or of suffering the
last penalty for his crime." — Ma>n-lii'*lri- Cwii-Jian.]
Maiden.
PRITHEE, gentle convict, will you marry me?
Can't you see I 'm dying all for love of thee ?
If you start the billing
You will find me willing —
I am sick to death of living fancy-free.
Convict.
Middle-aged maiden, you are very kind,
But I must confess I 'd other charms in mind--
Something light and active,
Youthful and attractive
Rather fewer angles and a face less lined.
Maiden.
I had other views too once upon a time ;
Criminals I hated with a hate sublime.
Once I would have perished
Rather than have cherished
Passion for a convict who was steeped in crime.
Convict;
Middle-aged maiden, epithets like these
Will not bring a lover down upon his knees.
Maidens so unsightly
Ought to court politely ;
If they would be married they must learn to please.
Maiden.
" Learn to please " be bothered ! Convict will not wed
Forth to execution convict shall lie led : ,
Down comes horrid chopper-
Convict comes a cropper —
Prudence, gentle villain ! Would you lose your head '
"nd
CORDIAL UNDERSTANDING. (RURAL STYLE.)
m! to
, «,UT ». ra nm ,„ r» /
ICR, I'VK
Squire. "Aw, I SEE. BPT THIS ISN'T ANYTHING TO DRINK. IT'S A BALLET."
. (irith superior knnde.lge). "THAT'S 'XAPTI.Y WHAT 1 THOUQHT 'TWAS, 2m. SOME SORT or AOREPJIEXT wi' A rn.-i
Convict.
There are some, I fancy, who would hold this view :
Better axed by headsman than by fifty-two.
Though it don't much matter,
I will choose the latter — j
Middle-aged maiden, I will marry you !
THE CORONATION PICTURE.
A. ABBEY'S picture of the Coronation, which Messrs.
AONKW have now on view at the Hanover Galleries,
Mad Street, is a sight to see. Comparatively few had the
opportunity of being in Westminster Abbey when the
-TKIMATE placed the crown on the head of King" EDWARD THE
SEVENTH, "at sight whereof," as the ancient Office puts it,
the People, with loud and repeated shouts, cry ' God Savr
the KING ' ; the Peers and the Kings of Anns put on their
Coronets ; and the Trumpets sound, and, by a Signal yiven.
the great Guns at the Tower are shot off." That is the,
moment the painter seizes for a picture that will carry down
through all time the reality of the memorable scene. It ,,
a marvellous piece of workmanship, Ix-aming with colour,
Hashing with movement. In ordinal where the
difficult task is attempted of painting a public assembly,
everybody is obviously conscious that his or her
l>eing painted. No one looking at this work of art a |
as well as a |«irtrait gallery would sii-.|nvt that the
splendidly-arrayed multitude severally -.it for their j«.r
As a matter of fact there were two exceptions t,. ||,,. rule :
It'illHRTS anil Itn.-KBERT,
Two urvltr mm,
l,'i-fn><il to sit
At
The painter, always 'Ablx-y to oblige, (ifTen-d to make it later.
They \vere, liowc\er. immovable, and a* tin ir pn-^'iicc wna
indispens;ible there they are in the erowd. standing l)
they didn't sit. ladies and gentlemen taking a v.alk
Bond Street (or up. as 'the ea~e ma. .1.1 not forget to
turn in at the Ifai ilerie-. do ol»
Sovereign, and i-ongralnlate the jainler at liaving trium-
phantly accomplished a pivuliarly ditlicnlt task.
LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 2, 1904.
HARD TIMES.
I'atSffamUiaa. "LUCKY BEGGAR! HE CAN ALWAYS MAKE, BOTH ENDS MEET.'
HOW-TO PROGRESS.
ACCORDING to the Daily Mirror, a new
walk (for ladies) is coming into vogue.
It requires these essentials — wide
shoulders, a little waist, high-heeled
shoes with wide soles, and a military
bearing. To get ready to walk, says
our contemporary, stand erect and throw
back the shoulders. Now expand the
chest. Next square the elbows, holding
them down to the sides, not out, draw
in the waist-line, lift the feet high, and
walk.
As we do not see why male folk sliouk
be left behind in these fashionable per
ambulations, a number of recently
patented modes of progression may be
submitted to their choice. Among
these we can highly recommend
THE MARLBOROUGH STRUCT MARCH.
The chief requisites a~e a full-sizec
pair of boots (nothing under twelves), t
robust physique., a waist-belt of forty
five inches or more, and some little
training under the tutorship of a police
man. The evolutions are best performec
n single file close to the kerbstone,
'irst the right loot is raised and planted
irmly and squarely in front of the other,
nd then a similar operation is performed
vith the left f(x>t. In this way no little
lignity is imparted to the movement,
nd astonishing progress is gradually
nade in a forward direction. It will be
ound to clear all before it. A variety
if this is
TIIK SUBURBAN BEAT.
The same-sized boots are retained, but
he leather soles are exchanged for india-
rubber. A more cat-like tread is thereby
ittained. The other qualifications
remain the same. The performance,
lowever, is generally solo and not in
ndian file. It has a marvellous effect
on area sneaks and sleepers on doorsteps,
while few cooks can resist its attractive-
ness.
Then we have, for more lively tenvpera-
iients,
THE HAMPSTEAD PUSH.
This method is best carried out in
concert. Four or five exponents should
ink anus and proceed at a rollicking
pace with a free swinging motion. It is
'specially adapted to Bank Holidays.
Frock-coats and top-hats are out of place,
but any challenging or iiixixii-iuitt
costume may he worn. Football or other
stout boots are advisable. As a contrast.
we beg to suggest
TIIK GROSVEXOR STROLL.
Here the executant should invariably
appear in patent leathers and e.-chew
muddy pavements. A silk hat, morning
coat, waistcoat, trousers, shirt with collar
and cuffs, socks, undergarments, tie and
walking-stick (all of the latest fashion)
are absolutely indispensable. A young
lady escort, who should keep step, will
add completeness.
For 1 lack-garden use there is
THE NEBUCHADNEZZAR CRAWL,
a favourite manoeuvre on lawns in dry
weather when there are small children
about. The position is on all-fours, so
that any kind of footwear is permissible
Persons of apoplectic tendency should be
cautious in employing this means oJ
covering the ground. It is also rarely
exhibited in the street, unless quite late
at night, on coming home after a I'estivt
supper. Even then it is liable to be
misconstrued.
Space forbids a detailed description ol
the Heather Step, the Corn Dissembler
the Agag Gait, the Double Shuffle, ami
many other forthcoming variations oi
legwork.
A Delicate Surgical Operation.
"pIANO.— For Immediate Disposal, Powerful-
-I- toned Upright Iron Grand, removed from
a Lady in difficulties. — Adrt. Glasgow Evening
A etc '.
THE COMMON ENEMY.
. "MADNESS, FOLLY, INCOMPETENCE— CALL IT WHAT YOU WILL-THKSK Tlli
CANNOT BE SUFFERED ON THE WORLD'S HIGHWAY!!"
October 24. — News arrives of Russian outrage on British trawling boats. October 24. — Government demand* reparation.
October 28. — Russia agrees to International Court of Inquiry.
["To say that the incident is closed would be too much." — Mi: lialfour't S/n-erh, Xout'iamptoii, October 28.]
ENERGETIC SIGNALLING!
["Apparently disjointed and meaningless
messages were received at Portsmouth at mam
of the wireless stations. This created the im-
pression that Russian ships are somewhere ofl
the Isle of Wight signalling energetically to
one another." — Dally Chronicle, October 25.]
The Ydrophobik (flagship) to Squadron.
" Good morning." ..." Not a wink !
What sort of night have you had ? "
..." Only natural gallant fellows
feel strain after merciful escape North
Sea. Have tots nerve-tonic served out
each man, and extra strong sleeping-
draught to-night (if spared). Remember
we have great duty to perform. Now off
Isle of Wight, likely place for Japanese
base of operations. Be cool — but vigi-
lant ! " . . . " Why deuce Sanwrnre-
litch and Insomniak clearing for action
without orders ? " . . . Samnvar.e-
vitch. " Highly suspicious wheeled
machines on shore, striped red and
white, Japanese colours !" . . . "Quite
right to be cautious, and, as our aim
is in waters of Far East, perfectly within
our rights to blow them to bits. Still,
on the whole, better not, perhaps. Barely
possible genuine bathing machines."
The Jimjamsikoff. " Just observed
sinister sort of shiver Tinder surface.
Have put out nets, and opened fire with
starboard bow Maxim . . . Japanese
submarine retired screened by shoal
mangled mackerel. Devilish narrow
shave ! "
The Qatemagenski. " Look-out reports
two sailors, not least like fishermen,
strongly-marked Jap features, in small
boat laying mines. Have dispatched
launch. . . . Two wicker mines
discovered containing several savage
lobsters, obviously of Japanese extrac-
tion. Lobsters since disconnected with
splendid daring by Second-Torpedo-
Lieutenant TCHELKRAKSI."
The Bhogimanzia. "Disguised
Japanese transport approaching. Are
we to understand orders fire on every
boat coming near squadron ? "
Flagship. "Certainly, if necessary.
However, since she represents herself as
Weymouth excursion steamer making
last trip of season round Island, reserve
fire until offensive demonstration on her
part."
The Bhogimamia. " She has got little
brass cannon in her bows, and is training
it directly upon us ! Really think it
would be safer to sink her. Band on
board playing selection ' Mikado.' Must
have Japanese on board. She has got
out of range. Very difficult steamer to
hit!"
The Vodkasorloff. "Don't like way
lighthouse on rocks is winking — first red,
then white — Japanese colours ! Sus-
pect signalling to enemy's cruiser in
Channel. Mayn't we knock lighthouse
jmithereens? "
THE VOYAGE OF THE BALTIC FLEET.
(Some sketches l,v,,,,r A ,, \Wrorfi
I.
COME TOO SUDDENLY ROUND COXNEH.
T«r WtHrcS OTTMt CR1W AVt XOT ku.
THAT W\IGHT
It.
r
PATENT
UET -PROOF
VALET •
~=
Flagship. " Hat her yon didn't. Wbnld
:ost us too much anniuinitioii in present
umpy condition u! u a*
The Runamok. " ^ are lost ! Officer
^— —
has juM :n;i<l<- <>ut. liy aid "f strong
night-^lassea, Kiiuill villa on cliff, with
garden hiin« willi.lapaiu-^'lanUTiw ! Do
uiluiriv bomwrdmant?" F. A.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 2, 1904.
THE VOYAGE OF THE BALTIC FLEET.
III.
LIFE'S LITTLE DIFFICULTIES.
I. — THE LOIN OF PORK.
i.
Mrs. Chillingham Bull, of " The Cheviots,"
Little Wielding, to Mr. Henry Ings,
Butcher, of Little Wickling.
(By liand.)
MRS. CHILLINGHAM BULL finding that
her friendly verbal message by her
butler to Mr. INGS concerning the
nuisance caused by his persistent killing
of pigs at the time when she and her
household are at family prayers has had
no effect, she now informs him that she
intends to take measures to stop the
obnoxious practice.
Sept. 28.
ii.
Mr. Henry Ings to Mrs. Chillingham
Bull.
(By hand.)
MRS. CHILLINGHAM BULL,
DEAR MADAM, — It is my wish to kill
pigs as quietly as possible, not only to
cause as little nuisance as I can, but also
out of regard to my own and Mrs. INGS'S
feelings, both of us being sensitive too.
The pig which was killed this morning
at the time you name in your favour of
even date was specially ordered by Sir
CLOUDESLEY SCRUBBS, and could not be
kept back owing to its being market day
at Boxton and my killer having to be
there. I am, yours obediently,
Sept. 28. HENRY INGS.
HI.
Mrs. Chillingham Bull to Sir Cloudesley
Scrubbs.
(By hand.)
DEAR SIR CLOUDESLEY, — I am sorry to
trouble you, but you must put the blame
upon my desire to suppress a growing
nuisance in our otherwise peaceful
village. INGS, the butcher, has contracted
the disagreeable habit of killing his pigs
between 8.30 and 9, the very time at
which we have family prayers, and you
cannot conceive how discordant and
heart-rending are the screams that reach
our ears across the lawn at that time.
PERKS remonstrated with him some time
ago, and we thought the matter over;
but this morning it broke out again with
renewed violence, and on my sending a
peremptory note INGS says that the pig
was killed at that hoiir by your instruc-
tions. I shall be glad to hear from you
that you repudiate the responsibility.
Yours sincerely,
Sept. 28. ADELA CHILLINGHAM BULL.
IV.
Sir Cloudesley Scrubbs to Mrs.
Chillingham Bull.
(By hand.)
DEAR MRS. CHILLINGHAM BULL, — It is
quite true that I ordered the pig, as we
are expecting friends who are partial to
pork. But I specified no time for its
demise, least of all that half-hour in
which you perform your devotions.
INGS, who is the most civil of men, surely
must mean that he understood I was in
a hurry, and therefore killed the pig
directly the post came in. Believe me,
dear Mrs. CHILLINGHAM BULL,
Yours very truly,
VINCENT CLOUDESLEY SCRUBBS.
Sept. 28.
v.
Mrs. Chillingham Bull to Mr. Ings.
(By hand.)
Mrs. CHILLINGHAM BULL, having made
uquiries of Sir CLOUDESLEY Sciti MUS,
finds that Mr. INGS was quite mistaken
in thinking there was any need for the
killing of the pig to occur when it did,
:ind after what has happened she intends
to remove her custom to a Boxton butcher
as a mark of her displeasure.
Sept. 28.
VI.
Mr. Ings to Mrs. Chillingham Bull.
(By hand.)
Mr. INGS presents his compliments to
Mrs. CHILLINGHAM BULL, and begs to
enclose his account of £18 5s. Cjd
immediate payment of which would
oblige. He also wishes to give notice
that the next time he catches any of
Mrs. CHILLINGHAM BULL'S fowls in his
garden (notice of same having previously
been given, and a stoppage of the
nuisance promised) he intends to wring
its neck.
Sept. 28.
VII.
Mrs. Chillingham Bull to Sir Cloudesley
Scrubbs.
(By hand.)
DEAR SIR CLOUDESLEY, — I hasten to send
you the enclosed offensive missive from
INGS, in response to one from me saying
that I could not deal with him any
more. I think that you will see the
matter in the same light that I do. In
such cases neighbours must stand by
each other for mutual protection and
the harmony of life.
Yours sincerely,
Sept. 28. ADELA CHILLINGHAM BULL.
VIII.
Si?- Cloudesley Scrubbs to Mrs.
Chillingham Bull.
(By hand.)
DEAR MRS. CHILLINGHAM BULL, — With
every desire in the world to oblige you
I do not see my way, as you seem to
suggest, to cease to deal with INGS.
For one thing we like the quality of
his meat ; for another — and you must
pardon my frankness — I cannot consider
that he has shown anything more ob-
jectionable than an independent spirit.
You say nothing about the fowls, which
he seems to look upon as a grievance
at any rate not more imaginary than
NOVKMHEI! 2? 1'1'M.i
PUNCH, OR THK LONDON cil\i;i\ AIM
322
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 2, 1904
the pig-killing. Believe me, dear Mrs.
CHILLINGHAM BtJLL,
Yours very truly,
VINCENT CLOUDESLEY SCRUBHS.
Sept. 28.
'ix.
Mrs. Chillingham Bull to Sir Cloudcslcy
Scnibbs.
(/)// hand.)
DEAR SIR CLOUDESLEY, — I am sincerely
pained at the view which you take. I
cannot see what can come of —
village life if, as I said before.
we do not stand by each other.
INGS has been most rude 1<>
me, and he must be brought
to his senses.
Yours truly,
CHILLINGHAM BULL.*
Sept. 28.
x.
Mrs. Chillingham Bull to Mr.
Blades, Butcher, Boxton.
Will Mr. BI.ADES please send
to Mrs. CHILLINGHAM BULL to-
morrow morning a fore-quarter
of lamb and a wing-rib of beef ?
Sept. 28.
XI.
Mr. Perks to Mr. Blades.
DEAR SIR,— Mrs. CHILLINGHAM
BULL, of The Cheviots, Little
Wickling, having decided to
change her butcher, and having
begun to send you orders,^!
thought it interesting to let
you know that it was by my
advice that her choice fell on
you. Yours truly,
Oct. 1. HENRY PERKS.
XII.
Mrs. Chillimjham Bull to
Mr. Blades.
Mrs. CHILLINGHAM BULL is
very dissatisfied both with
the quality of Mr. BLADES'S
meat and the excessive pro-
portion of bone and suet to which
her attention has been called by her
butler. Unless an improvement occurs
she will have to change her butcher.
Oct. 5.
XIII.
Mrs. ChilliiKjham Bull to Mr. Earwaker,
ttutcltcr, Boxton.
Will Mr. EARWAKER please send to
Mrs. CHILLINGHAM BULL to-morrow morn-
ing a leg of mutton and a sirloin of
beef?
Oct. 10.
XIV.
Mr. Perks to Mr. Earwaker.
DEAR SIR, — Mrs. CHILLINGHAM BULL, of
The Cheviots, Little Wickling, having
decided to change her butcher, and
having begun to send you orders, I
thought it interesting to let you know
that it was by my advice that the choice
fell on you. Yours truly,
Oct. 12. HENRY PERKS.
xv.
Mrs. Chillingham Bull to Mr. Eancaker.
Mrs. CHILLINGHAM BULL is very dis-
satisfied both with the quality of Mr.
KARWAKEK'S meat and the excessive pro- j
portion of bone and suet to which her 1
HEARTY APPRECIATION.
"I SAT, WASN'T THAT A JOLLY GAME?"
attention has been drawn by her butler.
Unless an improvement occurs she will
have to change her butcher.
Oct. 15.
XVI.
Mrs. t'liilliniiliam Hull In //„• /iVr. Dr.
Baylluiin.
DEAR RECTOR, — I am sorry you are
away from home, because there is a little
difficulty in the village which can be
settled only by yourself. Mr. PIPES,
though his sermons are irreproachable,
and he is most kind, has not the needful
tact.
To make a long story short, your
petted churchwarden INGS, a few weeks
ago, was very rude to me and I had to
take away our custom. The Boxton
butchers are, however, very bad, and on
thinking it over I am inclined to pardon
INGS, but I am afraid from the attitude
which lie took up that he may not accept
my forgiveness in the spirit in which it
is offered ; which would, of course, be
very unfortunate and wholly inimical to
the harmony of village life. I therefore
write to ask you if you would write to
him.
PERKS, who is much distressed about
it all, tells me that we shall never have
good meat from the other butchers, and
he is continually urging me
to return to INGS. Will you
not, dear Rector, once more
prove yourself the Little
Wickling mediator?
Your grateful friend,
ADELA CHILLINGHAM BULL.
P.S. — I hope you are enjoy-
ing Chamonix. I was there
witli my dear husband in
1885.
Oct. 17.
XVIT.
Dr. Basil Baylham to the I?ev.
Gregoi'y Pipes.
DEAR PIPES,- Our friend at
The Cheviots seems to have
done something to offend poor
INGS, with the result that that
good man lias been abandoned
in favour of the Boxton trade.
Knowing both as we do, there
can be little doubt as to where
the fault lies. Mrs. Bi I.L
writes to me asking for my
mediation, because, although
her spirit is willing to con-
tinue the fray, the flesh is
weak, and recollections of
INGS' excellent fillets seem to
be crowding appetisingly
upon her, as she struggles
with the Boxton gristle. I
leave the solution to you with
perfect confidence.
Yours,
Oct. 20. B. B.
XVIII.
Mr. Henry Intjs to Mrs. Chillingham Bidl.
Received with thanks cheque
for £18 5s. Id.
Oct. 2-2.
HENRY INGS.
XIX.
Stamp
Mrs. Chillingham Bull to Mr. Ings.
Understanding from her butler that
Mr. INGS lias recently killed a pig, Mrs.
CHILLINGHAM BULL would be glad if Mr.
INGS would send her a loin of pork.
Oct. 22.
TIE report that the KAISER has de-
manded the immediate cession of Port
Arthur as reparation for the Russian
attack upon a German vessel is denied
in the highest quarters.
NOVEMBER i', !!>'>!.
PUNCH, (HI T1IK LONDON < M \UIVAKI.
PLEASE TO REMEMBER" WILL HE EVER FORGET?
1 . MR. WOODBEE-LORIAT, THE RISING YOUNG j 2. RELAYS OF HOWUNO DEMONS CHEER HIM
POET, REQUIRING PERFECT QUIET TO DEVELOP HIS ' THROUGH THE DAY, BUT IN A BRIEF MOMENT OF
GREAT WORK, RETIRES ON NOVEMBER 3 TO A PEACE AT NIOUTFAIJ. HIS INSPIRATION RETU
RURAL RETREAT. OtJ NOVEMBER 5 HIS INSPIHA- , WHEN " BANG ! "—YELLS, HOOTS, AND EXPLOSIVES
TION IS AT FEVER HEAT, WHEN THE ABOVE REND THE AIR.
SEDUCTIVE VISION BURSTS UPON HIM !
3. "AWAY fBOM THIS MIK l-l.ir -t KlkTC.'
sums THE POET, AS HE CATriit- nit: li A.M. TVAIX
BACK TO IiONDOX.
THE COVENT GARDEN CARLISTS.
ON Wednesday evening the operatic air-gun at Covent
Garden was loaded with Un Ballo, which, the aim being well
directed, took immediate effect and made a palpable hit.
Mile. TRENTINI was energetic as Oscar, though her voice is not
quite so powerful as her acting. Signer ARIMONDI was a first-
rate Sarmtele, or colloquially Sammy, and his companion in
crime, less in quantity and quality than the aforesaid villain
of the piece, and called familiarly Tom, was appropriately
plavcd by Signor THOS, which is a variation of the Christian
name something between THOMAS and TOM. These three,
THOMAS, Tnos and TOM, rolled into one, did excellently.
why are the names of this conspiring couple of operatic
scoundrels changed from what they were originally called
the bigger scoundrel being Ai-mando, and the lesser and
milder one (perversely) Augis? Is there any warrant for
this substitution? And if there should be a warrant
their arrest, then perhaps this might be a sufficient reas
lor Armando and Augis calling themselves, at aU events
London, Sammy and Tommy.
The lady with a grand title of her own, Madame 1
SK<;\A, was, as might be expected, more than a men
adequate representative of the heroine of Un OaUo with
comparatively milk-and-watery name of Amelia.
Madame DK CISNT.HOS appeared as a very haadi
powerfully singing representative of the gipsy Ulrica.
The entire performance, directed by Signor '[\\AKA. r
BAtonnier of the foreign musical liar, went to everyone'*
thorough satisfaction, though perhaps Messrs. RjBOU, I
and FOIISYTH would have been better pleased with a repetition
of last week's most crowded night.
Thursday— Nothing for Messrs. Rmu,
FORSYTH to complain of to-night at all ••v.-nt*.
house for a first-rate performance of IM Bohemr. Mile. ALICE
NIELSEK charming as Mimi, acting perfectly ; while as 1
singing, only Madame MELBA could go half a third c
better. Mile. TREKTISI is just the bright littl-- |H-rwm lor ti
capricious Mutetta ; and Signor CAHUSO was at his very b«t
vocally and dramatically. We single out these principal*,
but there was not a weak point either on stage or in orchest
under Signor TANARA'S command, and the audu
enthusiastic. __^__=======
THE Japanese, who are always adopting the U-M "f •
thing from other nations, would stvin to have be
wrinklrs fro,,, nurn.il way lAtAooAnaat
truth in this statement, whirl, w,- tak«- fnm, tl,.- /'.iWin
; M'lH ' "A patrol oommuded l.y N.
Ti ii.;i mm was shelled at a range of
,, Ill:u.|m,,. hu,,s. all th, Lornrn of the Cowacks IXM,,,-
killed or wounded."
Tin: RKAI. H'-MK. RMK Hiu.. -
324
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 2, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
A Lady in Waiting (SMITH, ELDER) is a series of short stories
purporting to be the gleanings from personal experience.
As the editors of monthly Magazines know, rarest of literary
arts is that of writing a short story worth printing and a
cheque. This gift Mrs. ANSIKI TIIKR possesses in full measure.
Keenly observant, dowered with sense of humour, enjoying
full opportunity of seeing life, she lias a dramatic touch that
completes her triumph. She knows when not to say another
word— a beautiful thing in woman, especially when she is in
process of narration. Whilst the stories are episodical, some
of them having already appeared in high-class Magazines,
Mrs. ANSTRUTHKR has devised ingenious machinery for linking
them. The Lady in Waiting, a character subtly indicated
rather than described, is the friend and youthful companion
of a butterfly woman of fashion, another deftly-drawn study
from life. In this capacity she goes about among all con-
ditions of meu and women, and has the luck of genius in
always finding herself with interesting people. Ranging
over "a wide field of topics, Mrs. ANSTRUTHER'S vivacity and
ingenuity never flag. Whilst all the stories are good, my
Baronite regards the one entitled "Shadows on the Wall"
as a masterpiece.
" Who is Sylvia ? " The particular young lady to whom the
Baron applies this questioning quotation is a charming
person who shares with her still more charming and much
prettier foster-sister the dual heroineship of a novel entitled
Lady Sylvia, by LUCAS CLEEVE (JoHK LONG). Though the
plot is not startlingly original, yet the materials are artis-
tically worked up to a strong dramatic situation, and the
interest, aroused at the commencement, is well sustained to
the end.
Like Mr. Weller's intimacy with London, Mr. FITZGERALD
MOLLOY'S acquaintance with royalty is extensive and peculiar.
But he lias his prejudices. Not for him quiet annals of the
throne. He finds attraction in the vicissitudes of monarchy,
and turns aside from commonplace crowned heads who are
neither banished nor come to untimely end. The Romance
of Royalty (HUTCHINSON) finds its sources in the several
histories of Lunwio. of Bavaria, NAPOLEON THE THIRD and the
Empress EUGENIE, ISABEL of Spain, and the hapless MAXI-
MILIAN, sometime Sovereign of Mexico, whose tragedy was
one of the results of the ambition of NAPOLEON THE THIRD.
Mr. MOIJX>Y has the wisdom to consult the chronicles of men
and women intimate with the course of events at the various
epochs treated. What is more commendable, he has the
honesty to acknowledge the sources of his information. For
his own part he contributes to two handsome volumes a keen
eye for dramatic effect and a glowing style. The book,
illustrated by many portraits, my Baronite finds more
interesting than the average novel. It has permanent value
as contributing many sidelights on the history of the last
half -century.
From Messrs. METHUEN conies Emnuimiel Burden, A
Novel, by HIIJURE BELLOC. " Personally," says the Assistant
Reader, "I should not have described this book as a
novel, but the description may pass if it can be made to
cover a really brilliant essay in satire. The exploits of liigl
and Empire-building financiers, their methods for fleecing
the public and feathering their own nests, are lashed with
a ridicule which is all the more effective and bitter for being
in appearance so unconscious and so good-natured. Poor
Mr. Burden, prosperous, pompoiis and regular in his
dealings, a iiiiTchant after the heart of Mrx. (Inuidy, obeying
strictly the social laws of Upper Norwood, where he resides,
is entangled in the meshes of these exalted company-
promoters. He is made a party to their schemes for palming
off a loathsome African swamp upon the silly public as a
gold mine, and an invaluable addition to the Empire. A
iiundred shams and hypocrisies and frauds and conventional
liumbugs are picked off by Mr. BELLOC with unerring
certainty. Our self-complacency and our narrow stupidity,
admirable in the periods of those who make visions of
Empire and wealth their daily bread, become terrible and
grotesque when reflected back from Mr. BKI.IXIC'S unpitying
mirror. Emmanuel Burden donne fnrii'tixi'iin'Ht >'i />i'itser.
Opportunely, at a time when Russia looms large in the
public eye, comes Mr. JOHN OXKNIIAM with his llcnrtu in Exile
HODDER AND STOUOHTON). The story is part of the life (in
wine instances it includes the death) of units in the millions
who own the beneficent sway of the EMI>I-:R»R OF ALL THE
RussiAS. My Baronite does not know wlicthcr in his travels
Mr. OXENHAM personally visited Russia. However that be,
bis account of social life at Odessa, fluttered by occasional
midnight descent upon the home of the harmless citix.en who
is secretly haled forth to Siberia, is strikingly told. The long
march of the hapless captives, and their settlement in the
remote prisonhold, picture a state of things that would lie
incredible if the narrative were not supported by more
prosaic accounts. Through the grim web of human misery
and heroism runs the silver thread of a pretty love story.
Should anyone require evidence of the rapid approach of
Father Christmas the Baron quotes to him from the legend
inscribed on Wren's nest "Circtmufnce," and among the
various pictorial presents for the great festival of the chil-
dren he will not find a brighter, a prettier, nor a more
amusing one, both in its verse and prose, than is Mr. 1'itm-lt'x
Christmas Book ("Punch" Office), edited and illustrated by
OLGA MORGAN. Of all the artistic and notably eccentric
designs in colour with which this book abounds, the most
striking is a double-page representing, poetically and uncon-
ventionally, King Neptune in lii* < Irutto. The eltcct is charm-
ing, as is also that produced by the gossamer-like traceries, in
colour, that appear from time to time interwoven as it were
wit li the letterpress. Its Games at the Zoi> and \\'li<ii Ann'lin
used to think are full of fun. This Christmas Book is just
the very thing for a Christmas gift.
To such readers as may be yearning for a stirring romance
the Baron unhesitatingly recommends the tale— no, he begs
pardon — The Ann of the Leopard, written by MARY (!\i\r
and J. R. ESSEX (GRANT RICHARDS). Since She \\'li<> Mnxi /.V
Obeyed, no more original or more excking romance has been
published. It is powerfully dramatic, and deals with ancient
African superstitions, which even European education has
been unable to eradicate; the moral being, "Scratch the
polish, and you find the cannibal." The excitement is kept
up to fever heat, and the escape of the three men from the
city of the savages through "the Kedji country, full of
murderers and sla ve- raiders "
is admirably told. The agony
is, however, too prolonged, and
the reader runs the danger of
becoming as exhausted as, at
the siipreme crisis, are the three
heroes and the dauntless he-
roine. The character of the
"educated nigger" JIUIICK
Craven, M.B., offers a fine chance
to a leading melodramatic
actor, and Mr. WALLER might
do worse than turn his atten-
tion to the dramatisation of this
stirring romance.
THE
BARON
DE
THE VOYAGE OF THE BALTIC FLEET.-IMo. IV.
%
THE
HORRIDOH!
7/e prayeth best who loveth best
All things both great and small,
For the dear God, who loveth us,
He made and loveth all.—S. T. COLERIDGK.
HARK ! the woods are awake to-day
With a " horridoh ! " With a " horridoh ! "
Out and about and far away
Tim cry of the hunt rings bright and gay
\Vlth a "horridoh ! " and a "horridoh !"
Clear and loud, or echoing low.
The foresters, each at his post, stand keen ;
J heir hats are green and their. coats are green ;
Mieir belts are hung with a hunting-knife
I o the honour and praise of the Lord of life.
And the sun strikes down through the tall old tree*.
I he oak and the beech and the darkling firs ;
And the breath of the green-coat foresters
Goes out in smoke on the autumn breeze,
is they stand with hardly a moment's ease,
Or stealthily moving watch the ground
Till the marks of the quarry's flight be found.
They know that the beasts the forests hide,
The russet stag in his antlered pride,
« ith his wonderful eyes so calm and clear.
And his ears intent for the sounds of fear ;
And the shaggy old grunting crook-tusked boar,
A terrible fellow to rip and gore,
And everything else that moves and breathes
Are meant for tlie knives in the J(,lt|,(.r sh«,i|1M
Hut irst they are driven and tracked and l,a\e,|
Ine beasts the bountiful Lord lias made,
Tracked to the sound of the winding horn
[racked anil driven and bayed and torn,
With a " liorridol) ! " and a " horridoh! "
Shattered with shot and made t,, olie
With a " liorridoh ! " Will, a " horridoh ! "
^ It's a merry hunt and a gallant show-
To the glory and praise of the Ixird nio-i high.
For this they know, and full well they know
i I he KUSKR himself IIUH said it plain,
With a stamp and a shunt of '• h.,rridi.h
That all things living shall suffer pain.
And be robbed of the life that the g.«xl l/,rd gave then,
With never a hand to soot! r >ave them ;
That he who kills them is thus nude ^r.-atrr.
For in killing he honours the I
o . •
Hut where is the anllered sta- to-night ''.
The stag they have failed to kill oiiirig.'.
For, oh, that stag was a woful sight.
The shot rang out and the shot went true.
But he bounded away and was lost to view- ;
And only the startled birds could mark.
As the sun went down and tin- day fell dark
Oh where were the shouts of " horridoh
How first he stumbled, his head hung low.
And then dropped down with a sob. an
Quivered and lay, while his life's red tide
Slowly ebbed from his wounded side.
Long he lay, till his eyes grew dim,
And the Lord in His mercy pitied him,
Ami took, nor thought of the honour paid,
The beautiful buoyant life He made.
320
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 0, 1904.
TO DELIA, BRIDGE EXPERT.
MY DELIA, how the days have gone
Since I, in Cupid's constant thrall,
Considered every goose a swan,
And you the swanliest of them all !
The thing you did was always right ;
About your simplest act or motion
Lingered the iridescent light
That never was on land or ocean.
Once, it is true, I thought I traced
A hint of something less refined ;
It turned upon a point of taste :—
I asked your hand and you decline I ;
Still " Youth," I urged, " is seldom wise,
It needs to undergo correction ;
Some day she '11 come to recognise
The loss entailed by this rejection."
But now I thank the kindly Fate
Which in the mask of Wounded Love
Left me, just then, disconsolate
Owing to treatment as above ;
For you have lost your maiden dower ;
You are a Woman in the Fashion,
And Bridge, from fevered hour to hour,
Is now your one and wasting passion.
We meet at dinner : you are pale ;
An odour on the ambient air
Of club tobacco, pungent, stale,
Steals from your loosely ordered hair ;
I note the vacant eyes that show
Their circling tell-tale lines of sable,
The restless hands that move as though
They sought the little green-cloth table.
My gayest sallies seem to irk
Your absent mind. You eat as one
Who gathers strength for serious work
That waits her when the meal is done ;
At last your hostess leads the way,
Bidding curtail our port and prattle,
And lo ! you prick your ears and neigh
Like a war-mare that scents the battle.
We follow where the cards are spread ;
I mark your animated mien,
Your face a little flushed with red,
Your eye perhaps a thought too keen.
Alert to seize the subtlest clues,
Bold in assault, a stout defender —
If you could only bear to lose
You might be almost any gender !
Yet, as I watch you play the game
That " gives to life its only zest"
(Life, as you understand the same),
Indeed you hardly look your best ;
Missing the cool detached repose
That ought to stamp your cast of features,
You miss the charm that Woman throws
Over us men and lower creatures.
There is a thought I will adapt
From someone else's wisdom's wealth
(A polished orator, and apt
To toast aloud the Ladies' health)
In proof how low your lapse must be
From what a start to what a sequel :
You onee were icorth ten score of me,
And now — I count you scarce my equal. 0. S.
SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS.
["The Russian Government undertakes that precautions ivill be
taken to guard against the recurrence of such incidents. Special
instructions for this object will be issued." — .A/r. ftalfour at Southamp- .
ton.]
OUR special correspondent at St. Petersburg sends us
an advance copy, communicated to him by Prince THIK-
KIXSKI, of the special instructions referred to by Mr. BAI.FOUR.
"lie document as a whole is too long for publication, but
he following extracts will give an idea of the severe
estrictions to be imposed henceforth upon the lialtic l-'leet.
Art. V. — Atlantic liners, plying between (leiioa, Naples,
nd British or American ports, sometimes traverse the
Mediterranean Sea in the performance of a part of their
'oyage. In the present circumstances, when the feeling
igainst belligerent vessels is unduly excited, it is an act of
nternational comity not to fire on these liners unless they
vilfully get within range.
Art. XI. — If a merchant vessel be hit by Russian pro-
ectiles below the water-line, and appear to be in difficulties,
,he Admiral is authorised, unless he be pressed for time, to
send boats for the rescue of a reasonable number of survivors.
Art. XII. — Subjects or citizens of neutral Powers, who
lave been precipitated into the sea in accordance with the
lictates of the Admiral's conscience, may be informed by
negaphone that he could not have acted otherwise even in
time of profound peace. This information, in order to have
ts due effect, should be conveyed in as many languages as
aossible before the temporary survivors disappear below the
surface.
Art. XIX. — Pleasure boats, which are also called yachts,
jave been known to carry cannon, ostensibly for the purpose
of firing salutes. Before being sunk these yachts may be
allowed to prove that the so-called cannon are not in reality
torpedo-tubes.
Art. XXVI. — Should the Fleet, in one of those deviations
from its course to which the most competent navigating
officers are liable, find itself in the vicinity of the West Indies,
clue caution should be exercised in discriminating between
the large Havana cigars so frequently encountered in these
waters, and torpedoes. Except for a certain difference in size
the two are difficult to distinguish.
Art. L. — All the foregoing articles, however, are to be con-
strued as applying to the Fleet only so long as it shall remain
at least one thousand marine leagues from the seat of war.
CHARIVARIA.
MANY persons think that the punishment of allowing the
Russians to go on to meet the Japanese is more severe than
the occasion warrants.
The Russians' contention that they never aimed 'at our
trawlers is certainly borne out by the fact that some of them
were hit.
Prince OBOLENSKI has declared to a correspondent of the
Petit Journal his firm conviction that his friend Admiral
ROJDESTVENSKY saw exactly what he said he saw. This view
is backed up by the reports of the Danish pilots, who state
that they noticed a large amount of champagne and vodka on
board the Russian vessels.
One of our contemporaries was much affected by the sighl
of what it termed " The Lion lying down with the Bear."
As a matter of fact the Bear was the only one that was lying.
King PETER of Servia and Prince FERDINAND of Bulgari:
PUNCH. OR THI-:
CHAIMVAIM. \.,-.
..
A CHILD IN THESE MATTERS.
Urn., M.BS LOK**, "WHAT A LOT OF
AND A BEAUTIFUL MOTOR BUS, AND
YEAR A REAL STEAMBOAT THAT GOE,
_______ . -- — "~
have publicly kissed one another at
Sofia. The onlookers loudly cheered the
monarchs for their pluck.
In a report on the examination of
officers for promotion in the Army,
General HUTCHINSON mentions that the
majority of candidates, in their answers,
ignored the enemy, or gave him little
credit for intelligence. This, of course,
is one of the many dangers of judging
others by one's self.
It was not Major EVANS-GORDON but
Mr. A. B. BRUCE, the leader of the
Scottish Antarctic Expedition, who said,
the other day, " I am not a Pole hunter."
Lord ROSEBERY thinks that if a Saxon
returned to England he would, at the
sight of a motor-car, wish to go back to
his grave. The probability is that the
motor-car would oblige him.
The fact that the Weekly Summary
has issued a series of Christmas Cards
for the Blind is mentioned as a novelty
by many papers; but surely, judging
by the designs on them, a great many
of the Christmas Cards with which
the market is each year flooded are
produced for that section of the public ?
We consider that the ridicule which
has greeted a notice in a Glasgow Music
Hall to the effect that "Whistling or
cheering with the feet is strictly pro-
hibited " is undeserved. While it may
be difficult to cheer with the feet, we
believe that it is by no means im-
possible to whistle with the feet. We
imagine that instead of two fingers
being placed in the mouth, the} whole
foot goes in.
No one will be able now to deny that
the British Drama is going to the dogs.
It is announced that a leading character
in Mr. BARRIE'S forthcoming Christmas
play is to be a St. Bernard hound.
A speaker at a meeting called to
protest against the closing to the public
of Vincent Square, Westminster, re-
minded his audience that donkeys once
grazed there. Those present at the
meeting resolved to attempt to recover
the rights they had lost.
Colonel MARCHAND thinks that the real
object of Great Britain in the present
dispute with Russia is to prevent the
Baltic Squadron from reaching the Far
East in time. He does not yet seem to
be satisfied that he has worked off his
ilebt to Lord KITCHENER for the insolent
jift of brandy at Fashoda.
HER FIRST RACE-MEETING.
Old Lady. " OH, ADOLPHUS, WHAT A DEAB, SWEET [urns JOCIET DOT ! Wae» '• TOCI
PURSE? LET ME GIVE THE LITTLE DEAR A PENNY."
[Disgust of Canter, the famous jock, trho it a married man teith a large family, and a
corresponding income.
The Vicar of All Saints has protested j
with all his power against the inaugura-
tion of promenade concerts on Sunday
evenings at Scarborough. If the people
won't go to church, then let 'em go to
the public houses.
With reference to the trouble at
Kingston-on-Thames in regard to tin-
selection of a former police constable as
Mayor, we understand that it is not so
much that the objectors do not need
the services of such a man as that they
do not want them.
A committee has been established in
Philadelphia to arbitrate in disputes
between mistresses and domestic ser-
vants. It is hoped that, when the new
building is erected, the Hague Palace
of Peace will take over this work.
It is, we fear, only consistent with
the Lick of business ability which seems
to characterise those connected with
military affairs that the Brodrick Caps,
which it has bi-ru divided to discard,
were not offrn-d for sale to the public
before the 5th November.
It is rumoured that Messrs. PEAJWTW
are about to bring out a rival publica-
tion to Messrs. HAMISWOBTH'.* Tin- World
and his Wife under the title of The
?ui of the Unirerse.
330
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 9, 1904.
THE SMALLEST SUGGESTION THANKFULLY RECEIVED.
The " Times " lias invited its readers to send recommenda
tlons as to varying the arrangement of its pages, the variout,
ti/pes employed, the form and contents of the Literary Supple-
ment, and "in respect of other details which are matters of
taste rather than of fundamental principle."
The folloicing communication's are, Mr. Punch believes,
fairly typical specimens of the correspondence which is now
pouring into Printing House Square.
No. I.
The Cockyolly Club, Covent Garden.
DEAR OLD TIMESIBOSS, — As you seem to me to be taking
what our cheery neighbours across the Channel would call
the " plea-biscuit," let me give you the straight tip, and tell
you exactly where I think you are a bit off it. I have taken
up one of your numbers at the Club occasionally, when all
the other papers were in hand, and I must say I found it
deuced heavy — not a laugh in it, dear boy, no snap, no go,
no " vim," if you know what I mean ! Well, since you ask
me how you can make it more readable, my advice is : Chuck
the foreign correspondence, and, instead of it, start a column
of smart spicy pars — you know the kind of thing — something
that will be quoted on the Stock Exchange, and yelled over
in a Club smoke-room, and that it will take a Man about
Town to see the point of ! Just you weigh in with one or
two real good 'uns like that per week, and I can promise you
your reputation 's as good as made. Being in the know, I
can supply you with some fair screamers at the very moderate
rate of a golden Jimmy-oh goblin apiece.
Yours as you treat him,
ONE WHO MIXES IN ALL SORTS OF SOCIETY.
No. II.
13, Tadmor Terrace, Tollington Park, N.W.
DEAR MR. EDITOR, — We are regular subscribers (taking our
turn after two other families in the same terrace) to your
excellent periodical, and, I can assure you, would not miss
it for the world! We all say that it is quite the most
respectable of all the morning papers, besides being so well
written ! Still, if you won't mind me speaking out, I confess
that, as a Lady Reader, I should like, just now and then, to
see a Column, devoted to purely feminine topics, such as
"how to make a tasty entree with a tomato and a few spare
sardines," "how to cure blackheads," and "the best method
of getting the moth out of a 'lined rabbit' opera-cloak."
I feel positive that an article of this kind — say, every
Saturday, with, perhaps, a pattern for a tea-gown, or a yoke,
or a toque, or what not — would be enthusiastically welcomed
as a highly-agreeable substitute for your Literary Supplement
by each of your readers who can subscribe herself, as I do,
A DAUGHTER OF EVE.
No. III.
Telegraphic Address —
" Tealeaves," London.
SIR, — Understanding that you are inviting suggestions for
additional attractions in your esteemed periodical, we beg to
state that we are now in a position to offer you the second
serial rights of a high-class Society Novel, Who Drowned the
Duchess? which, as you are doubtless aware, has excited such
an unusual amount of sensation during its appearance in the
columns of your contemporary, the Halfpenny Hooligan.
Awaiting the favour of an early reply, we are,
Yours obediently,
THE PURE LITERATURE SUPPLY SYNDICATE (LIMITED).
To Business Manar/cr, "Times."
No. IV.
SIR,— If you '11 excuse the liberty, it seems to me that you
are not sufficiently up-to-date in the matter of head-lines.
After over thirty years' compulsory Education, the average
citizen has at least learnt to pay no attention to any news
which is not printed in heavy-leaded type, and expressed
alliteratively. Also he likes to be saved the trouble of
reading a leading article by a note in the margin, telling him
what it 's supposed to be about. This you do not supply.
During the recent crisis, for instance, who knows how you
might have sent up your circulation by a few telling scare-
lines, as per example: — "BALTIC FLEET BOLTS FROM VIGO.
" CONDOR' CHARLIE CLEARS FOR ACTION." "Bic GUNS HEARD
BOOMING ! " " WHO 's AFRAID ? " and similar spirited sentences ?
Believe me, Sir, this is the only way to gain the respect
and admiration of that enlightened and far-seeing Party,
THE MAX IN THE STREET.
No. V.
SIR, — I must say I think it perfectly scandalous that such
a ^paper as the Times should devote over two pages to the
War in the Far East, and scarcely as many lines to the
Association Cup Match between the Army and Oafshire at
Mudford ! Yours indignantly,
TRUE BRITON.
No. VI.
SIR, — Is the Times quite wise in so persistently ignoring
the proceedings of Societies in which are cultivated what I
may, perhaps, refer to as the germs of the Oratory of the
Future ? As Honorary Secretary of the Peckham Prytaneum,
I shall be happy to furnish you with verbatim reports of our
weekly debates. I enclose a report of our last discussion by
way of sample : Subject, " Was Queen ELIZABETH justified in
executing MARY Queen of Scots? Next week the question
will be : " Is the Earth round or flat ? " As I believe
Parliament is not sitting just now, I cannot but think that
such reports would serve, so to speak, to fill the gap.
Yours faithfully,
ERNEST POSIII.EK;H STODGE (Hon. Sec. P. P.).
No. VII.
"Lady VASELINE HARESFOOT thinks that the Editor of the
Times newspaper shows a great want of enterprise by so
persistently ignoring really important private theatricals.
She begs to inform him that she is now getting up amateur
performances of Turn him Out and Plot and Passion (in
both of which pieces she plays the leading part) at the
Town Hah1, Toshborough, on the 16th, 17th, and 18th
.nstants. As the entertainment is for a charitable purpose,
Lady V. will feel obliged if the Editor. will send down the
voung man who usually does the theatres for his paper to report
on one or other of the aforesaid evenings. Considering tlmt
the majority of the performers will certainly buy the paper
next morning, if only to cut out the notice for pasting
into their albums, Lady V. is confident that the Editor
will on reflection see the advantage of complying with her
request."
No. VIII.
DEAR MR. TIMES, — Mummy says you would like nu> to toll
you how to make your paper more attractive to the family
ircles. Well, I think it would bo r-nr so nice if you would
lave a collum specially for children. Don't you think
'Uncle Time's Little Tots " would be a nice heading for it?
do. I am sure you would simply love my kanary. He is
yellow all over, and such a dear. He eats seeds. I have a
iitten, too. My kitten does not eat seeds. It eats sop. I
enclose my fotograph, in case you would like to publish it
with this. No more at present from
Your loving little Friend,
POSIE PRINKERTON (aged 8£).
F. A.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAI{[V.\KI
FEMININE AMENITIES.
Visitor. "YOUR GOVERNESS SEEMS VSSY GOOD-NATURED."
Lady of the House. " YES, POOR THING, HER FATHER LOST A LOT or MONEY, so I TOOK HER AS GUVERXESS rot TBJC cmLM
Visitor. " POOR, POOR THING ! ISN'T IT TERRIBLE HOW UNFORTUNATE SOME PEOPLE ABE ! "
THE RABBITS OF RICHMOND PARK.
["Tenders have been publicly invited for the destruction of
rabbits in Richmond Park." — Daily Paper.]
To his most Excellent Majesty — these,
We, 'his servants, do humbly pray,
Greatly desiring his health and ease,
So to continue for many a day.
We are not wise in the courtier's way,
But live our little lives in the dark,
Save for the dawn and the twilight grey ;
We are the Rabbits of Richmond Park !
Quietly, under the ancient trees,
Prim and sedate, our games we play ;
In the deep dells, where nobody sees,
Is right of warren, with none to stay.
Mid bush and bracken unharmed we stray,
We sup with the owl, and rise with the lark,
Once in the year a toll we pay ;
We are the Rabbits of Richmond Park !
But now this news is heard on the breeze,
That men with snares are coming to slay,
Our tender young the trapper will seize,
And the ferret our hiding-place betray.
There is no more peace — for anyone may
Chase us with terrible dogs that bark !
Have we no friends with a word to say ?
We are the Rabbits of Richmond Park !
thi
Great KING, will nothing your wrath appease
Ere all of your servants are stiff and stark ?
We are very 'sad— if your Majesty please ;
We are the Rabbits of Richmond Park !
Mr. Punch'* Proverbial Philosophy.
AN honest tale speeds best being plainly told, but a spor-
tive one will go pretty well however you recount it
It is well to be aspiring in society. Vaulting ambition
which o'erleaps itself and falls on the opposing side fre-
quently crushes it.
If you be a wise man and want to get on with your entrfe
in silence, tell your neighbours a good-natured story about
virtuous people with the fish. You will be left in peace.
Always be kind, even when it seems least likely to pay ;
in a democratic age one never knows who will be King.
Better a dinner at Prince's where love is, than two stalls
at the theatre and a dull play therewith.
THE "FRAM" AS AN AUBHIP.— From The Egyptian Gazette
we learn that "the Duke of ORLEANS is negotiating for t
purchase of NANSEN'S famous vessel, the From. If all be y
lis Royal Highness hopes to start next year for Sotai
regions." There seems promise here of a new Myth o
he lines of the legend of ICAHOB.
332
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 9, 1904.
LIFE'S LITTLE DIFFICULTIES.
IE.— THE DOCTOR'S VISIT.
i.
Mrs. Baring-Rayne to Dr. Tunks.
(By hand.)
MY DEAR DOCTOR,— It would be a great
tolace and satisfaction to me if you
would in future kindly change your
lour of call from half-past eleven to
talf-past ten every morning.
Yours sincerely,
Oct. 27. EDITHA BARING-RAYNE.
Dr.
ii.
Tunks to Mrs. Baring-Payne.
(By hand.)
MY DEAR MRS. BARING-RAYNE,— Your
very reasonable request puts me, I
regret to say, in a position of some
lelicacy. It has long been my habit
to call on Miss CANN at half-past ten,
and Col. STUBBS at eleven, reaching you
at 11.30. Both these patients have been
in my care for some years, and I feel
sure that you will see at once on reading
this how difficult it would be for me
suddenly to change a custom of such
long standing. Believe me,
Yours sincerely,
Oct. 27. WlLBRAHAM TUNKS.
III.
Mrs. Baring-Rayne to Dr. Tunks.
(By hand.)
DEAR DOCTOR, — I am sorry to say thai
I cannot share your view. Health, as 1
often heard you say, is the mast im-
portant thing there is, and I am con-
vinced that my health would in every
loay benefit if I could begin the day
earlier. I have been reading a very
interesting pamphlet on the subject o:
early rising, and am convinced that to
wait for you until half-p.ist eleven, when
so much of the sweetest and freshest par
of the day is over, is a great mistake
Of course when I wrote I assumed tha
you have been sincere in your interes
in my health, and would immediate^
comply with so simple a request. Bu
life, as I have often heard you say,
but one long disillusionment.
Yours sadly,
Oct. 27. EDITHA BARING-RAYNE.
IV.
Di:
Tunks to Miss Cann.
(By hand.)
MY DEAR Miss CANN, — I have been
thinking lately a good deal about you
new pains, and I cannot help feeling
that it would be better if you were t
rest longer in the morning before bein
disturbed. I therefore propose in futur
to call at 11.30 instead of 10.30, at an
rate for a sufficient time to test th
accuracy of this theory. Believe me,
Yours sincerely,
Oct. 27. WlLBRAHAM TUNKS.
V.
Miss Cann to Dr. Wilbraham Tunks.
(By liand.)
MY DEAR DOCTOR,— Your letter has so
haken me that I fear the worst. It is
uite impossible for me, as I thought
ou knew, to remain in bed so long.
know of nothing so depressing as
hese long, solitary morning hours,
lease never refer again to the subject,
nd believe me Yours sincerely,
VICTORIA CANN.
P.S.— Sometimes I think it would be
etter for all of us if I gave up the
truggle altogether. V. C.
VI.
Dr. Tunks to Mrs. Baring-Rayne.
(By hand.)
MY DEAR MRS. BARING-RAYNE,' — It grieves
ne exceedingly to have to say so, but I
ee no possible way of meeting you in
our request as to change of visiting
lours. Nor can I agree with the author
if your pamphlet that it would be well
or you to begin the strain and worry of
he day a minute earlier than you now
lo. You must, however, do as you
liink fit. As you know, I am the last
>erson to wish to impose any tyrannical
system upon my patients and friends.
; should also say that Miss CANN, much
is I should like to effect an interchange
if hours, is not, I consider, in a suffi-
ciently robust state to bear it. Believe me.
Yours sincerely,
Oct. 27. WlLBRAHAM TUNKS.
VII.
Mrs. Baring-Rayne to Dr. Tunks.
(By hand.)
DEAR DOCTOR, — You of course know
aest, but from the number of trades-
men's carts that draw up at Miss CANN'S
door it is clear that she at any rate
has an appetite. Whereas I, as yoi
know, have eaten nothing for years. Bu
it is evident that there is more in this
distressing business than meets the eye
and I shall therefore take my own steps
to protect my health. Do not therefore
call to-morrow at all.
Yours truly,
Oct. 27. EDITHA BARING-RAYNE.
VIII.
Mrs. Baring-Rayne to Mr. Llewellyn
Boakes, M.R.C.S.
(By Jiand.)
Mrs. BARING-RAYNE presents her com
pliments to Mr. LLEWELLYN BOAKES, an
would be glad if he woxild call to se
her to-morrow morning at half -past ten
Oct. 27.
IX.
Mr. Boakes to Mrs. Baring-Rayne.
(By hand)
Mr. LLEWELLYN BOAKES will have grea
leasure in calling upon Mrs. BABING-
,AYNE to-morrow morning. He regrets,
owever, that owing to appointments
with other patients he will be unable to
each Mrs. BARING-RAYNE at the hour she
ames, but he will be at her house
irtainly not later than eleven-thirty.
Oct. 27.
Ixtract from a letter from Mrs. Baring-
Rayne to lier Sister-in-law.
If you ask why my letter is so dismal,
is" because 1 have lost my regular
nedical attendant. It is a long story,
ut owing to a very curious line of
onduet which he chose to take up, we ...
Nov. 2.
x.
Mrs. Baring-Rayne to Mr. Boakes.
(By hand.)
DEAR MR. BOAKES, — I have been feeling
if late so much worse — much worse than
have told you, for it is not right to
rarden others with all our troubles —
hat I have been reading a little pam-
phlet which has decided me upon a
Complete change of routine, the leading
>rinciple of which is total avoidance of
all vegetable food. Although I do not as
a rule put any faith in such literature,
•et I am convinced that the writer of the
jamphlet in question — a member of
rour profession, by the way — tells the
ruth. Knowing as I do from re-
marks that you have let fall that you
are largely a vegetarian, I feel that under
these circumstances to ask you to con-
tinue your visits would be not only
and tactless on my part, but
to yourself.
Yours very truly,
Nov. 4. EDITHA BARING-RAYNE.
wrong
XL
Mrs. Baring-Rayne to Dr. Tunks.
(By hand.)
MY DEAR DOCTOR, — I have been a very
impulsive and masterful woman, but
all that is over. My heart to-day is
like a little child's, that knows its true
friends. Do let us forget this terrible
week of misunderstanding and cross
purposes. I shall expect you to-morrow
morning at half -past eleven just as in
the old days. Imaginative sympathy is
so rare. Yours sincerely,
EDITHA BARING-RAYNE.
P.S. — How odd is this occasiona
re-appearance of old forgotten character-
istics ! You know how grey, how sad
how humble, my life is. Yet suddenh
there breaks out this mood of imperious
ness, which years ago at school earnec
me the nickname of Boey (short for
Boadicea). Where has it been slum
bering all this time ? These are among
the mysteries. E. B.-R.
Nor. 4.
XoVKJIHKIt 9, UI04.]
PUNCH, OR T1IK LONDON CHAI;|\ AIM
TO AN OLD STAGER.
Mii. PUNCH was delighted, and every-
body present was as pleased as Punch ,
to see our old friend that excellent come-
dian LIONEL (" LAL " for short) BROUGH
as the guest of the evening at the ban-
quet given by the Old Playgoers Chit)
at the Criterion to celebrate the fiftieth
anniversary of his going on the stage.
" I didn't ' go on the stage,' " explained
LAL BRoroii in his excellent after-dinner
speech, " 1 was kicked on." But he did
"90" on the stage, and went on "going "
until he achieved the position he has
now held for many years, and in which,
as a youthful veteran, true to the carp*
d/ramatique, without a superior in his
own line, may he long flourish to delight
audiences and to " give a lesson to the
lads" who, with light hearts, are entering
upon a histrionic career.
AN ENTREATY.
KINDLY PHYLLIS votes it stupid
That our hearts were never made
To withstand the glance where Cupid
Lurks in deadly ambuscade.
So a lofty sense of duty
Bids her don the mask, and mar
Every semblance of her beauty
When she drives her motor-car.
Measure kind, though somewhat drastic.
Though our hearts are brittle ware,
They, like tyres, and things elastic,
Lend themselves to quick repair.
But, our limbs are not pneumatic,
And they suffer from a fall.
PHYLLIS, lovely but erratic,
Prythee do not drive at all.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
Naval and Military.
LOVER OF JUSTICE. — Yes, the Russian
Government will no doubt make
enquiries as to who gave the order to
fire, but you may trust them to do nothing
rash or hasty in the matter. As you say,
we don't want another BECK case.
PUG-RUSSIAN and SUSPICIOUS. — I cannot
tell you whether the vessel was insured.
PATRIOT. — MACDERMOTT, I fancy.
Legal.
ENQUIRER. — Yes, if Mr. BECK had only
said at first that he was innocent, all this
bother would have been saved. No, he
is not likely to be prosecuted for im-
personation.
EXPERT WITNESS. — I doubt if an action
would lie. But if it wouldn't you might.
Sport and the Drama.
"MAIL" READER.— He kept goal for his
College, so may be presumed to know
something about it. " Put paid to the
Spurs' account" is not so technical
as you seem to think.
>-* *^s «* «__
SUSPICIOUS.
f. " Col:U) VOl' TELL ME WBEU! TBI V|OA«
Giles. "Way, WUT'S 'E DONE, XI:R?"
PINEROTOMETER.— No, the author of Tlie
Dolly Dialogues is quite a different )>er-
son. Their resemblance is only SII)«M--
ficial.
General.
TAFIFF REFORMER.— You were quit.'
justified in calling him a pro-Boer, but
the retort has lost something of
piquancy lately. Seeing that we get a
good deal of corn from Russia at pre-
sent, why not call him a pro-Russian?
With this, and the aid of the inusii
halls, you should have no d.fficulty i
winning.
CARLTON WAITFJL— If that threepenny
bit that you kept back still trouble*
your conscience, you should put it in
tin- plate on Sunday.
WAR OFFICE ECONOMIES. - A i»rre-
spondent at Eaquimalt (Hriii-li Oohnn-
bia) forwards a catalogue of an
"Auction Sale" in which one of thr
lots coming under the head of " Army
Ordnance Stores," includes " 2 Tommies."
Is this the beginning of tin- Army In-
duction which is to save the country's
pockets?
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [NOVEMBER 9, 1904.
.!/„>,- .!/;««•»,«« (a« entfcu»m«t on
TRIALS, TOO. BUT I WON'T Now."
Friend. "I WOULDN'T. I'D RESERVE HIM FOR THE WATERLOO (.'.IT.
MISTAKEN VOCATION.
iiiff <%«). "('OXFOCND TIIK BRITE . THAT'S THE Don T WAS aoutO V)
is THE HETKIEVEU
A MIDDLE-SEX DIFFICULTY.
" SHOULD Ariel be played by a boy or a girl ? " s a question
that lias not infrequently arisen among those supper-
numeraries who linger to discuss the many and great merits of
Mr. BEERBOHM TREE'S production of The Tempest at His Majesty's
and the graceful performance there of Miss TREE as Ariel,
already fully appreciated by .I/;-. Punch's signatured critic.
In our opinion it matters not as long as the intelligence,
the grace, the lightness, and the humour, are there. In
theatrical language Ariel is " a boy's part," which means that
it has usually been played by a girl. What is Ariel's own
testimony? It — we use the impersonal on the warrant of
SIIAKSPEAHE, who makes Prospe.ro address Ariel as " Thing" -
It, the sprite Ariel, says : —
"For spirits, freed from mortal laws, with ease
Assume what sexes and what shapes they please."
And this very Ariel, who declares —
" Of these am I, who thy protection claim,
A watchful sprite, and Ariel is my name,"
is described as a " Guardian Sylph " and as
" A youth more glittering than a birth-night beau."
And further, this description of him is given :
"His purple pinions opening to the sun,
He raised his azure wand, and thus begun : —
POPE'S Ariel was SHAKSPEARE'S, only it was after WILLIAM
had finished with him, and had discharged him, with a first-
rate character, from Prospero's service.
So far our contribution to the discussion. Miss VIOLA TREE
is still the dainty Ariel, and her flights of fancy continue
to puzzle the squatters in the stalls who want to know " how
it's done." But, so long as the present impersonator of the
rii-ksy sprite is on the scene, so long must Ariel remain a
Miss-Tree to the public.
ODE TO AN OYSTER.
[Among the guests at the ancient oyster feast at Colchester this year
was Sir HENRY CAMI>BEI.L-BANNERMAN. The highest individual consump-
tion was nine-and-a-half dozen oysters.]
ENTRUSTED bivalve ! though statistics state
That tasteless fluids in thee represent
•A clear and disconcerting ninety-eight
per cent.,
Thou hast such charms, a single feaster ate
Nine dozen of thee (duly washed with wine).
On reading this I wept tears salt and wet
as thine.
What pearls wouldst thou not gladly leave unworn
Still to be sitting in thine ocean-cave,
Sitting and waiting, waiting for thy morn-
ing shave.
J-'ni'ilis descensus! Would it were unsaid
How, rudely plucked from out thy native foam,
Forth on that journey, thou, to thy last bed
slid'st home !
If words may aught alleviate thy doom,
Accept this mournful epitaph from me,
Who write, instead of " Ci-r/n" on thy tomb,
"'C.-B. " !
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVAKI. NOVEMBER 9, 1904
JAPS "IN BUCKRAM.
THEM I AM A BUNCH OF
GIRLS OF THE PERIOD.
"KEEP moving," is Mr. SEYMOUR
HICKS a managerial motto. Exercise the
heads of the profession by all means,
but on no account let its legs be deprived
of their full share of work. Tlie Catch
of the Season, having caught on, has
been running for some months, during
which period Mr. SEYMOUR HICKS as the
youthful Duke of St. Jermyns, and Miss
ZENA DARE as Angela, otherwise Cin-
derella-up-to-date, have been dancing,
singing, love-making, and laugh-pro^
voking night after night, from matinee
to matinee, with only a comparatively
few intervening hours of rest. Mr. SAM
SOTHERN as Lord Dundreary, a lineal
descendant of the first peer, a creation
of the Victorian Era, is very amusing,
making the most of a small part. Some
of the dialogue in this cinematographic
piece is unusually smart, and the sharp-
pointed lines are given for all they are
worth, and a trifle more, by everyone
who has anything at all to say for him-
self or herself, including the small boy,
Master VALCHERA, whose "Page" deserves
a special laudatory footnote.
^ Miss CAMILI.E CLIFFORD as a "Dana
Gibson Girl " dances witli distinctly
humorous appreciation of the type she is
illustrating, and wins a hearty encore
But what is this type which is now
brought into prominence as such
novelty?^ It is simply Du MAURIER'S
"Society" girl writ large, and minus a
considerable part of her costume, the
material having been taken off the
shoulders and added on to the skirts.
In the programme this advertisement
appears — " Modern Costumes by Lucille,
Limited" Decidedly "limited," a most
appropriate description. A propos of
Mr. DANA GIBSON'S drawings, it was only
the week before kst that there appeared,
in a weekly illustrated contemporary, a
specimen of DANA GIBSON'S "modern
husband, wife and child." At first
glance we wondered why a specimen of
*
A STUDY IN EXPRESSION.
Irate M.F.H. (who has had half an Itour in the big gone trying to get a tniull,earttd fa*
aicay, galloping to "hoUoa" on the far side of covert). "CoKForeD Tor <
GET OI;T OF MY WAY ! "
[Little RMs, who has been trying to Jteip out of people's vay all day, think* he ran anile
understand Ilie feelings of the hunted fox.
the GEORGE Du MAURIER'S drawings, from
Mr. Punch's collection, had been repro-
duced in this paper,, and we could
scarcely credit our eyes and memory on
finding that this was a picture of DANA
GIBSON'S, whose work is pretty generally
known, it must be admitted, as that ol
" the American Du MAURIER."
PUTTING IT NICELY.
[Commenting upon the proposal (since contra-
dicted) that, until the whole Tibetian indebted-
ness is discharged at the rate of one lac of
rupees a year, the British should remain in
occupation of the Chumbi valley— the key of
Tibet, The Daily Telegraph recently observed,
'' It is reported that this arrangement meets
with the approval of the Tibetians."]
IN deference to a generally expressed
Russian'desire, the Japanese have kindly
consented to extend their Autumn tou
so as to include Mukden, Harbin, and i
possible St. Petersburg. The enthusiasm
to which this delightful prospect has
given rise amongst the followers of tli
ZAR is described as absolutely touching
It is reported that a project is on foo
and being largely supported in Armenii
for a presentation to H.M. The SH/TAN
of Turkey from prominent residents in
that Province, on the occasion of liis
next birthday. The gift will be accom-
panied by an
the attachment „
the Imperial recipient, and expressing
address setting fortli
of the subscribers to
lilt? JUULN2TJIU IWJJpiriii, ami ""ft
their pleasure at his continued good
health.
Curiously enough we are in receipt
of a letter in which the gallant writer
adopts the conciliatory attitude of the
Tibetians. It is from Col. CHUTNT (late
II. M. Indian Aniiyi, \vlm writ.-, tig
follows from Kipling J>»lg.'. l'|.|.-r
Norwood : —
"Sin,-- -A« an «>M ounpcigncrof may
yi-ars' standing I have found that tlii*
gri-sit drawback In a jieriiiaiieiit residence
is the manner in which a lion*- »|«v<|j|y
becomes overcrowded with silver, china,
and other articles of vain.'. Thanks
'lowever to the energy and ability of
the well-known linn of Wn.iuu SnCB
AND Soys, I am happy to say th:r
whole of this difficulty lias HOH
removed in a single tiiylit. \Vhil-
>re8singmy gratitude to these gentlemen
or their tmulile and court. --v. I cannot
ielp wishing that certain other depart-
ments of British industry wcrecoii'!
with equal celerity and absence of
arade. Youre thankfully.
REGINALD CHCTXY (latt Colon,
338
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 9, 1904.
"CO TO JERICHO" AND SEE ITS "WALLS."
ME. AETHUR BOUKCHIER is to be heartily congratulated first
on having secured for his theatre the best play that has been
seen in London for some considerable time, secondly upon
the exceUent company by which it is performed, and lastly
on the simply perfect artistic rendering of the two principal
parts in it, for which he has cast Miss VIOLET VANBRUGH (Mrs.
ARTHUR BOUROHIER) and himself. This sterlingly sound
" play," as it is styled in the programme, which may fairly
be classed as true comedy, offers small chance to the sharp-
shooting critics. There are a few weak points in Mr. ALFRED
SUTRO'S comedy, the first and principal one being its unfor-
tunate title, The Walls of Jericlio. So unapparent is its
application to any situation in any one of the four Acts, that
at last an explanation of it has to be lugged in somehow,
weighted with a very indifferent and quite unnecessary pun,
uttered by a minimus poet, a " Society " verse-maker, Bertram
Hannaf&rd, aptly represented by a clever young actor,
Mr. JONIUS B. BOOTH.
The Walls of Jericho fell at the blast of trumpets ; but
here woman's obstinacy (signified, as I suppose, rightly or
wrongly, by "the Walls" aforesaid) holds out, and only
yields quite suddenly, and most naturally, to the interior
voice of her own better self. There 's no blast of a trumpet
to shake the walls, nor any flourish after they have fallen.
Indeed, when the trumpet of the justly-incensed and firmly-
determined husband is heard in the Third Act, The Walls
of Jericho, meaning (again I suppose) Mrs. Frobisher s false
pride and stubbornness, firmly resist all assault, yielding
neither to the battering-ram of the husband's wrath, nor to
his kst attempt at undermining her resolution by a loving
appeal to her better nature. No, the title is altogether wrong,
that is, if I am right in my interpretation of it.
Rarely if ever in any previous piece, out of the many that
I can call to mind, have Mr. and Mrs. BOURCHIER played
throughout so perfectly : and, most certainly, never within
my recollection has Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER risen to such a
height of passionate intensity as in this Third Act. Neither
Mr. BOURCHIER as Jack Frobisher, nor Mrs. BOURCHIER as
Lady Alethea Frobisher, over-act this, or any other of their
strong scenes, by so much as a hair's-breadth. They hold
the house spell-bound ; and in nothing that they do or say
is there the slightest suspicion of anything even suggestive
of ordinary theatrical claptrap.
Then Mr. SYDNEY VALENTINE, as the genial, straightforward,
warm-hearted, uneducated friend and companion of Frobisher,
the digger Hankey Bannister, who has made his pile, gives
us the character to the very life ; not a flaw in his imper-
sonation, nor is there any in Miss MURIEL BEAUMONT'S Lady
Lucy Derenham, the charming ingenue, who thinks she knows
so much, and who affects such slyness and pertness as only
deceive herself, while at heart — so the author seems to wish
us to believe — she is sound. But this, to me, is another
weak spot in the piece : for I am not at all sure as to what
the author does intend this yoxmg lady to be, since, while
she is represented as avowedly in love with her pennilsss
cousin, and ready to marry him had he only the requisite
wherewithal, she cheerfully accepts Hankey Bannister, simply
because he is a millionaire; and "Hankey Panky," as she
calls him, beamingly accepts the situation and appears idioti-
cally happy !
In the difficult part of Harry Dallas, the ordinary un-
principled lover of other men's wives, Mr. XYE CHART is
excellent, never once adopting tone or manner of the con-
ventional stagey villain, though the author has led this
character perilously near the abyss of deepest melodrama ;
and from falling into it Mr. CHART has been saved by his
own artistic self-command, and by sensible stage-management,
the effect of which is evident throughout.
But here again is another weak spot. This intending gay
Lothario has written a letter to the wife, which falls into the
lusband's hands ; the husband hands it back to him and
:ommands him to read it aloud. Lothario sees the game is
up, and that there are two strong men against him, by either
of whom he would be physically overmatched. Why does he
riot tear up the letter at once ? It could be done in a second.
The answer to this of course is, that this letter must remain
ntact so that the wife may see it open, and be told that its
contents are known to her husband. But, there ought not to
ie this dramatic necessity : the end should have been attained
Oy some other means, and then a situation so original, as the
apparent impasse resulting from the destruction of the letter,
would have been dramatically staggering. Now, one only
feels, however much you may side with the husband, that the
two strong men have acted as bullies, and not according to
any recognised code of honour. The foregoing is the weak
point of the piece ; but it is condoned by the acting, which
emphasises the rough and ready character of the two men
who have had more to do with diggers than drawing-rooms.
Miss KATE SERGEANTSON as sensible, charitable Lady
Westerby, the good woman with a queer past, gives the
requisite authority to a character that it would be difficult to
place in better hands.
As theMarquis of Steventon, the impecunious, match-making,
dandified old peer, Mr. 0. B. CLARENCE, one of our cleverest
character actors and a master of " make-up," is inimitable.
His representation must be ranked side by side with the very
best impersonations of " Stingy Jack " in Money, of Brigard
in Frmi !<' run, and with JOHN HARE'S two noblemen, my lords
Ptarmigan and Quex. There is just a touch in it of Brother
Potter from Still Waters Run Deep which still holds the stage,
as this play will do, or I am much mistaken, long after
" Bridge " and present manners and fashions have become as
antiquated as are now the game of "ombre," the vcrs de
societe of Sir Benjamin Backbite, and the snuff-box of Sir
Peter Teazle.
Mr. SUTRO is reputed to be our best translator of MAETER-
LINCK'S works, and his own One-Act piece, entitled A Marriage
has been Arranged, recently achieved a decided success, largely
due to the finished acting of Mr. and Mrs. BOUHCHIER.
BRAWLERS AND TRAWLERS.
(Being more echoes of the Baltic Fleet.)
A FEW junior Russian officers have been detained to attend
the " Fishing Interrogatories " which are to be held in con-
nection with the incident of the Mad-Dogger Bank. Mr.
Punch offers his sincere condolences to all the other officers
who missed being selected for this purpose.
It is reported that when Lord CHARLES BERESFORD ran across
to Tangier the other day the Russian Flagship flew the com-
plimentary signal Please don't chase me, Charley.
Of the Russian Admiral's account of the North Pea
outrage it has been well said : Se ram e vero, e ben torpedo.
On the other hand there is a theory, supported in in-
fluential quarters, that the fish held up on one of tin-
trawlers was only at first considered to be a torpedo, and on
closer observation under the search-light was declared to be a
plaice, but not a plaice within the meaning of the Act. The
Russians therefore resorted to summary jurisdiction.
In any case the Russian Admiral is alleged to have said
that he acted in accordance with his conscience. Very possi-
bly. " Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all."
XnYO.UKK !), l'.K)l.l
PUNCH. OR TIIK I.OMMiN ril.MMYMM
310
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 9, 1904.
ESSAYS IN UNCTION.
(With acknowledgments to Mr. Harold Begbie.)
IV. (AND LAST). — WHY DE. ALF ABEL
WROTE " THE INFANT PRODIGY."
IT has been the eternal privilege of
genius to be
days of
misunderstood from the
CHEOPS to those of CLEMENT
SHORTER. Cast but a fleeting glimpse
on the stained palimpsest of time, and
you shall see not scores but thousands
of dines incomprises — to quote the noble
phrase of PUFFENDORF — whose motives
have been misinterpreted,
whose generosity has been
aspersed — victims, in a word,
of the Eternal Spirit of
Calumny. Ay de mi, my
masters, but it is a mad world
that turns and rends the pure
and pinguid souls of the
noblest hierophants of
Altruism, and burns its
choicest incense before cynics,
scoffers and misanthropes !
You will pardon this out-
burst, gentle reader, when I
tell you that ALF ABEL, the
noblest, simplest, most modest
and humble of Seers — not even
excepting RAY LANKESTER and
OLIVER LODGE — has been ac-
cused of self-seeking, of
vanity, of a mania for self-
advertisement ! One has only
to look on his perfect coun-
tenance—a picture post-card
will do — to realise the detest-
able mendacity of this odious
insinuation. That spacious
brow, exuding benevolence at
every pore, those pitiful eyes,
that exquisitely chiselled nose,
whose downward drooping
curve is eloquent of patient
resignation, those ambrosial
moustaches, those carmine lips
— every lineament repels the
foul charge with irresistible
power. It is one of the
elementary postulates of the
science of psycho - physiognomies that
the man who looks noble must act nobly,
think nobly, write nobly. The truth
was faintly adumbrated in the old world
adage "handsome does that handsome
is " : its abiding truth is proclaimed
with trumpet- tongued reverberations in
the life and the life-work of ALF ABEL.
Still I hear you asking with feeble
insistence — the last refuge of pusillani-
mous souls — " Why did he write The
Infant Prodigy? Are there not infant
prodigies enough in the bleak world of
reality without transferring these in-
effectual figures to the transcendental
plane of imaginative fiction ? " Gentle
reader, have you ever visited the great
Republic across the great salt splendid
Atlantic? Have you ever seen one of
those wonderful oilfields where a spring,
impelled by irresistible subterranean
pressure, spouts unceasingly upwards in
a great sleek column of virgin petroleum,
refreshing the air with its deliriously
saponaceous perfume ? They call them
"gushers." The simile is perhaps
homely, but 'twill serve. The gusher
gushes because it has got to gush. The
great soul issues in song — whether prose
or poetry matters little— because genius,
like murder, must out, or burst into
infinitesimal smithereens in the attempt
" Waviness of the hair is this season to be suggested rather than
asserted. This is a relief, as a look of over-elaboration is ruinous to a
plain face, and injurious to a pretty one. But a soft crinkliness is
always to be encouraged." — Truth.
to repress its sacred, nay its sanctimoni-
ous, ebullitions. Mediocrity may batten
on silence, but reticence is the suicide of
genius. And this is more than ever
true of this hustling, feverish, truculent
age of ours in which, to gain a hearing,
a man must speak high, and loud, and
often. The day of the robin's gentle pipe
is over : the true prophet must emulate
the glutinous abandon of the gramo-
phone.
He writes because he must can there
be a more conclusive justification than
the prompting of the categorical im-
perative ? But motives are always
complex, and in the case of ALF ABEL
the inward call is reinforced by many
other puissant forces. Benevolence first
of all. For he is animated by the sincere
desire to limit the reckless output of
prodigies by illustrating once and for all
in one grand and comprehensive con-
crete parable the incalculable dangers of
precocity. The annals of art and letters
teem with poignant instances of the
Nemesis that waits on premature
efflorescence. ALEXANDER THE GREAT cut
off in his early prime by the brainfag
induced by his overzealous study of
ARISTOTLE ; RHAMPSINITUS, HIMILCO, SKAX-
DERBEG — is it necessary to multiply
instances? Let it suffice to add the
— i crucial case of SHAKSPEAKE,
who, but for his insane habit
of overproduction, might have
lived to attain a more perfect
resemblance to HALL CAINE
than he succeeded in achiev-
ing. But irresistible impulse,
complicated by the desire to
benefit posterity, do not
exhaust the motives of our
author. To these must finally
be added an infinite compas-
sion for those unhappy races
who, blessed with, no literature
of their own, are entirely
dependent on translations of
the masterpieces of more
highly favoured people. It is
this which renders the publi-
cation of a novel by ALF
ABEL an event of cosmic im-
portance, for no other writer
has ever appealed to so many
million readers. Why is this
so? Because his novels are
full of elemental truth, full of
that rich, massive and viscous
humanity which is the same
in Putney and Patagonia. In
his adorable romances there
are found no solecisms, no
lapses in taste or grammar
nothing but what is pure
great, generous and noble. His
works appeal alike to all
nations, and it is no wonder
that on November 4 his new
work was published in nine
countries simultaneously. It will be
published in six more, according to the
following list, which gives the title in
the different languages, indicating also
the local publishing houses :
Tibet: Jingal Jong Lop-nor. Lhasa:
Dorjieff & Co.
Albania: Blefler-um-skita. Shkodra: Bib
Doda & Co.
Etruria : Ulat tanalarezul. Clusium
Phuhpluns & Co.
The Basque Provinces : Jaincoac hantik
itoiteco. Guipuzcoa : Zumalacar-
regui & Co.
Koutso-Wallachia : Filului Prodigolulul.
Krushevo : Apostol Jankovitch & Co.
Iceland: Namdo Ogsdog. Rejkjavik;
Magnusson & Co.
NOVEMBER 9, 1904.1
PUNCH, OR THE LOMxiN CHARIVARI.
ZUTKA AND KEEPING THK POT A-BOILl.Xi;
Tni Hippodrome has an excellent show on just now, one of
ts many excellent "shows ct aiitres," and it has a capital
>rchestra under the direction of Mr. CLARENCE C. CORRI, who
teeps his instrumentalists going with only a very fev,
est between the varied performances, which are accompanied
by selections as appropriate as possible to the din'. r< 'it
jccasions. The dramatic compositions of our old friend,
Wait re .1 \coin, are to be heard, musically illustrating the
tartling situations in the ( Irand Equestrian Drama of
<ilic,-in that Mill continues in plunge actors, horses, and
nidiciicc into the \\atery
lepths of despair, whence
•vcrybody emerges safe, sound
Hid very dry.
The special attraction just
u>w, and likely to be, we
liould say, for some time t<
wine, is Zutku, or Jack in tin
Box, which is the legitimate
-uceessor to the once myste-
rious l'ln-»si>. A small box
s brought, in, and the Pro
'essor, after removing a lot of
paper packing, extracts from
t a doubled-np figure which
)eing stretched to full length
becomes a I'icrrot of nearlv
wen feet high with, as it
seems, a man's head and neck
also hands and feet, but as t(
the arms and legs, no one cai
affirm their existence. Thi.
figure is apparently put ii
motion by electricity, anc!
when its performance is over
it is doubled up and replaced
almost anyhow in aforesaid
small box. The box is carried
about open among the
audience, who are warned not
to touch the figure. How is it
done? Personally we do not
wish to know. When the
trick is found out, we shall
regret that, yet another illusion
has been destroyed for ever.
As to the Mysterious Kettle,
which has already been im-
mortalised by Mr. Punch in
one of his Cartoons, it is
no trick but a matter of
scientific fact. Ice merchants
should be its great patrons,
and coal-owners its enemy. -
But will it !).« cheerier at Christmas-Unie to gather r
a kettle full of compressed air, or as heretofore to enjo;
selves in front of a blazing fire? For — '— ™ »«
tn he warm worshippers at the shrine of
J0, KNU tsnr NKWS.-The Standard, having been ^ for a ikmg
time BO easily taken in (a penny a day would do it) has
at last been regularly sold. The future policy of the i-l" '
will be Protection Pearsonified.
"QUICK, THY TAIULKTS. Ml
ih M:V IHVING is turning hii triumphant Northern tmir
veritable pageant of reminiscences. At SundwUod b* remarked thm
his first appearance on any stage was in that town in 1830 .
confessed that, on a previous visit in 1858, he had.
to the Kmt: 'if 1 'F.SMtmc in a marmalade jar. s
tour which have hitherto escaped the reporters are narrated below.)
RESl-oM'lM. to the toast of Ills health plop.-.
at a banquet at Drumnadrocli
that uhi-n he w.i^ l.i.-t in t!
1813, he (ilayed (Hhclln in .1 c'inii|i:iny whii-li wait I
that it n.iil'l i •
i-ork witli \vliii-li
i:
•
liurnt, t" supply the •
line required I
jndice for the '•'
thin dilemma lie 1
to ;i pickled walnut
which fortunately li.id
thrown at the lady v
.lull,! mi the prefdliliK nii;ht
111 his reply to the yift of :i
silver-mounted philaU'g. fur
which the inhabitant- of the
Bass Rock MilwriU-d as n
token of their admiration and
esteem, Sir HKNIIV I
reniiinleil his hearer* of his
first appearance in their i
lx>urhood as Mneliftli in 1 "'.'."• .
when the ]4Tfi>niianie
|.ed hy the armai
from Kram-e with
news of the death i if Mvuvl in
his bath. Few actoi> of that
A NARROW ESCAPE.
Youth (to .,<•»"<•»""< aboat to 3°J"r
TIIKY rOROM TO i:n:S vc.i us THE h
.lay, the speaker added. <
have met theii end in a similar
environment.
Shaking at a smoking
concert at (ili-neo.-. which he
attended aft<-r tin
|KTforinanceon Monday niKht,
Sir HKMO luviv. >.iid that In-
had a curious, vhen
he was last actiiiK there, in
II'.'.IL' I.
in advance, 'l.ut by an un-
lucky cliauce ito which
theatrical profession are iM
lees subject than any other
class of human beings) it WM
the night of the Massacre,
which proved so glW
attraction that his coil"!
performed The Temp* to
a beugarlv array of empty liei..
rftuu«Kkbam,8irHcan IKVIM;.
Uu.0, OLD M>-
he picked up the casket containing the pn
' 1 is ennq'nred audience that on hi, tirst Ms,,
theatre in l.'JM. he had the inestimable privil,
J3Un-»kte.« -n,
SROBBI M.SIVK playing the title pert and him
Spider.
-
QN t)i|,
Railway a firm advertises
received the sympathy of Ere, who
dant Company.
diia
of
342
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 9, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
FROM early life up to the closing years of the ]ast century,
the Princess CATHERINE RADZIWILL knew most people worth
knowing and was a guest in many historic homes. Born in
St. Petersburg, daughter of one of the oldest and most
illustrious families in Poland, she married the Prince
1 1 MI/IWILL, whose headquarters were at Berlin. His position
and her own brought her into personal acquaintance with the
late CZAR, with the old Emperor of GERMANY and the Empress
Ana ST.V, with the CROWS PRINCE before and after he became
Emperor, with the Empress FREDERICK, and with Lord and
Lady SALISBURY, whom she visited at Hatfield. This range
of acquaintance presents rare opportunity for writing an
interesting book. In My Recollections (IsBiSTEit) the Princess
lias made the most of her chances. Thanks to her keen obser-
vation and graphic pen, there is not a dull page in the portly
l)(»k. One of the most vividly written passages is that
which describes her presence at the POPE'S private Mass.
Her womanly touches of description of the Empress FREDERICK
add much to knowledge of the lady who was, perhaps,
the most gifted of Queen VICTORIA'S family. The book is
made more pleasant by the absence of anything like malicious
hints at old, now parted, friends. Even in the remarkable
chapter of which CECIL RHODES is the hero the Princess is
amazingly self-restrained. One exception, significant in its
singularity, is the suspicion of spitefulness that marks
references to the consort of the present CZAR. My Baronite
suspects that the niece of the much appreciated Empress
FREDERICK did not take kindly to the Princess RADZIWILL.
The two volumes of The Reminiscences of Sir Henry
llmrkins, Baron Brampton (ARNOLD) are delightful reading.
To many Sir HENRY'S start in life and his early days at the
Bar, of which he was destined to be so great an ornament,
will be not the least interesting part of this most entertain-
ing and instructive work. Excellent advice does it contain
for commencing barristers, and very plainly expressed
are Lord BRAMPTON'S opinions on everything that appears to
him as faulty in practice and derogatory to the dignity of
both Bench and Bar. Many improvements he, in his time,
has strenuously urged, and not a few has he lived to see
carried out. Diffidently in the brief preface does Lord
BRAMPTON disclaim any merit for thesa volumes, which, his Lord-
ship says, " is due to my very old friend RICHARD HARRIS, K.C.,"
who with great skill and tact, most judiciously exercised, has
put together a series of anecdotes, personal recollections of
events tragic, serious, or mirth-provoking, that keep the reader
interested and amused from the beginning to the very last
page. If Lord BRAMPTON has deputed Mr. HARRIS to write for
him, it is because his lordship is satisfied with having made
his mark. As with his advocacy, so with his literary work,
Lord BRAMPTON, as he says of himself in conducting a case,
" knows pretty well where to begin," and he also knows where
to leave off. Once again to quote Sam Weller, who abruptly
concluded his letter so that Mary might " wish there wos
more," which he considered " the great art o' letter writin' "
this Wellerian dictum is applicable to Baron BRAMPTON'S
Reminiscences, as we all "wish there was more." And
perhaps one of these days there will be.
The Closed Book, by WILLIAM LE QDEUX (METHUEN), opens
well, but the interest gradually wanes, the narrative becomes
prolix, and the action monotonous. The construction of this
romance somewhat reminds the Baron of the old trans-
pontine melodramas, in which, whenever things were going
a bit slow, one frowning villain of the deepest dye and
blackest wig was wont to grasp the arm of his accomplice,
whose villainy and wig were of a somewhat lighter colour,
and, bringing him down to the footlights, would hiss out in
a hoarse whisper, audible to the smallest boy in the utter-
most parts of the gallery, " Now for the gir-r-rl ! " Where-
upon both radians would steal off to mysterious music, and,
flagging attention having been revived, the drama was set
going again for another twenty minutes. Thus is it with
this novel ; and so, if any one of the Baron's trusting clients
be hard up for something new to read, the Baron might
prescribe a trial of this novel ; otherwise he would advise
him to let it remain as it is, The Closed lino];.
Thibet having been casually added to the skirts of the
Empire upon which the sun never sets, Messrs. I li TCIIIN-SOS-
publish a summary of a work issued six years ago under the
auspices of the French Ministry of Public- Instruction. The
author, .Monsieur GliKNAItn, was a member of a scientific
mission to Upper Asia despatched and subsidised by an
intelligent Government. Tilirt <ni<l tin' 'l"il,,'lniin he calls the
book, dropping the "h" after a manner not unfamiliar in cer-
tain social districts of London. The journey to l.hassa is
graphic-ally described, a considerable portion of the volume
being devoted to an account of the- mai rs and customs, the
social and economic life, and the political conditions of
Thibet. Colonel YorxcuirsHANH has, since the original was
published in Paris, added some new and startling chapters
to the story. But the elder narrative-, written under quite
different circumstances, preserves its value, indeed has it
enhanced by more recent events.
After Work (.HEINEMANN), by EDWAIID MAKSTOK, is a rather
useful book of desultory reference, for those who may be
specially interested in certain periods of journalism and
literature. Why this book is called After Worl; the liaron
fails to perceive.
The Dore Dante, in two large volumes (CASSKI.I. A: ('•>.,
handsomely got up, is certainly what it claims to be — at (I it-
price of sixteen shillings a volume — the cheapest issue of
this immortal work ever published. Dome's illustrations are
well known, and admiration for these wonderful creation-*
can only be intensified by such constant and close study of
them as this edition de luxe enables us to make.
" We cannot have too much of a good thing." — (
from my Baronite's Commonplace Book.) THACKERAY was a
particularly good thing, and his memory is nowhere more
warmly cherished than round The Old Mahogany Tree where
he once sat and of which he sang in undying verse. 1 1 seemed
at this time of day that we had garnered all possible per-
sonal memorial of the generous-hearted cynic-. When out
comes a little volume that bares to the- eyes of the present
generation his inward nature in its simplicity and strength
the gentle heart and the caustic tongue. Disclosure is made
in the form of Letters to <ui
American Family (SMITH, ELDKLI ).
THACKERAY made the acquaint-
ance of the BAXTERS fifty-two yea rs
ago, when he went to the United
States on his first lecturing tour.
The friendship, promptly formed,
was kept up through correspon-
dence to the year of his death.
The letters, rattled off in divers
places at odd quarters of an hour,
more fully disclose the nature
of the man than might a pains-
taking biography.
THK
B.-W.
NOVEMBER 1C, 190-1.]
PUNCH, Oil TIIK LONDON CHARI\ Mil.
313
A PAIR OF PANTOUMS.
I. — PESSIMISTIC.
THE trivial round, the common task
I sing : 'tis not a lofty theme :
It doesn't furnish all I ask,
I hold it not in high esteem.
I sing ('tis not a lofty theme)
The life of somethings in the city :
I hold it not in high esteem,
And yet it suits this kind of ditty.
The life of somethings in the city,
'Tis nothing either strange or new,
And yet it suits this kind of ditty ;
It may not quite appeal to you.
'Tis nothing either strange or new : —
Cold bath at some unearthly hour
(It may not quite appeal to you,
'Tis apt to make the temper sour) —
Cold bath at some unearthly hour,
A sadly unsuccessful shave, —
'Tis apt to make the temper sour.
A missing stud : that makes me rave.
A sadly unsuccessful shave,
The booming of the breakfast gong,
A missing stud : that makes me rave,
The scheme of things is surely wrong.
The booming of the breakfast gong,
A hasty, ill-digested meal ;
The scheme of things is surely wrong ;
A mutineer at heart I feel.
A hasty, ill-digested meal,
A rush to catch my morning train ;
A mutineer at heart I feel,
I curse the sad November rain.
A rush to catch my morning train,—
I must cut short this harrowing tale ;
I curse the sad November rain,
I curse, but what will that avail ?
I must cut short this harrowing tale ;
The trivial round, the common task
I curse. But what will that avail ?
It doesn't furnish all I ask.
II. —OPTIMISTIC.
November 's a capital time,
Whatever' the poets may say ;
Away with your querulous rhyme,
I 'm off with the beagles to-day.
Whatever the poets may say,
The best runs I ever remember
(I 'm off with the beagles to-day)
Have mostly occurred in November.
The best runs I ever remember
(The scent will be splendid, I know it)
Have mostly occurred in November :
A fig for your pessimist poet !
The scent will be splendid, I know it :
Just look at the dew on the grass.
A fig for your pessimist poet,
Your poet is mostly an ass.
MOTTOES; OR, "WHO'S WHO?" No. 2.-HUNTING.
MRS. PRETrrriuT. FAMILY MOTTO-" Mro/c; jcisv."
Just look at the dew on the grass,
Just look at the tints of (he trees :
Your poet is mostly an ass —
Sniff up the soft westerly breeze.
Just look at the tints of the trees :
Even now do you think I am wrong?
Sniff up the soft westerly bnv/e.
Here 's true inspiration for song.
Even now do you think I am wrong?
Is there anything fairer in spring ?
Here's true inspiration for song,
If you really feel called on to sing.
Is there'anvthing'fairoriif spring?
"But the fogs..." *our suggest
I spurn,
If you really feel failed on to sing,
i.iive the joys of November a ti
-'But the fogs..." Your suggestion I
spurn,
What I Ve said I reiterate
the jov> "f November • turn.
It's by far (lie iVst mouth in tin-
What I 've siid I reiterate l»-n-,
Nnveni l>er\s a capital (imr.
It's by far (he Ix-M inc.ntli in (In- V
Away with your (jwrulipii- rlnni'' !
Ax AriTM. " UV x/.-'i/i f"f It'"-
,nt"l K/i-nl; i»r </
gers are respectfully r. • -i"|'
the car as seldom as potwil'l--. especially
when going up an inclino. 'I '!
ing i- :\ i,T'-:it Mnmioii (lit- niaeliinrry.
.1 h>rtr of Motor*.
"Hi «n\ i;
who have jjiven (heir account, so (
to (he North SM out.
THE FREE <' i-'--1-
\'r,i*- ha\.' W.-.- Frees
, (heir backs (o bi(e 'em.
344
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[XOVKMUEK 1C, 1904.
NIGHT THOUGHTS OF AN
ALTRUIST.
[In an article in the Duili/ Muil under the
title " How to go to sleep," Mr. EUSTACE MILES,
after touching on some of the more popular
physical devices for inducing slumber, recom-
mends that one should not allow one's medi-
tations to be " self-circumferenced," but should
"send out thoughts for the health of others."
Composed, in all probability, during the night-
watches, the KAISER'S telegram to President
ROOSEVELT, containing a prayer, couched in
Latin, for his moral health, furnishes the most
recent public example of this benevolent and
non-egoistic attitude.]
WHEN the hours of day are raided,
And the stars are overhead,
And your figure lies extended
On a sanitary bed ;
When you sample all specifics
From the latest sleeping tract,
And the footling soporifics
Fail to act ; —
When, to soothe the veins that beat in
Your ebullient head, you hold
(Turn and turn about) your feet in
Tubs of water, hot and cold ;
When you irrigate your seething
Temples with a garden hose,
Or adopt a rhythmic breathing
Through the nose ; —
When you check a flock that hustles,
Sheep by sheep, across a stile,
Or relax your facial muscles
In a large and fatuous smile ;
When you eat a raw cucumber
With an onion sliced in oil,
Yet no faintest sign of slumber
Crowns your toil ; —
When you 've run through every poem
Learned verbatim long ago,
And recalled, from JEROBOAM,
Israel's monarchs in a row ;
When, in fact, you 've vainly tested
All the known hypnotic wiles,
Are you beaten, are you bested,
Mr. MILES ?
Do you rise in your pyjamas
(Natural wool throughout) and pore
Over IBSEN'S earlier dramas
Till you ultimately snore ?
Short of this, or HOMER'S Iliad
In the undiluted Greek,
Have you else no balm in Gilead,
So to speak ?
Yes ! you turn your thoughts to others
Far beyond the selfish zone,
To a world of men and brothers
With digestions not your own ;
There your heart goes gently stealing
(That's the true narcotic spell !)
And you trust that they are feeling
Pretty well.
Noble fellow ! I salute your
Altruistic frame of mind,
And, if in the immediate future
Sleep forsake the undersigned,
I shall pray, in KAISER'S Latin,
P'or a fleet (which Heaven preserve ! )
Just at present rather flat in
Point of nerve.
I shall wish those wobbly Russians
Better health of eye and brain,
And to 'scape from fresh concussions
With the monsters of the main,
I shall send across the foam a
Prayer for each afflicted crew,
And I 'm sure a state of coma
Must ensue. 0. S.
GUILDHALL AND AFTER.
THE LORD MAYOR'S procession was not
favoured with the most perfect weather.
This was regrettable, as in its arrange-
ment it had gone back to old familial-
forms, when the "showman" element
was its great feature. One car alone
kept up the ancient tradition, and cer-
tainly— in the exhibition of "a car
whereon one of the supers " (according
to the Times account) " carried a picture
of a woman which was intended," as
the bearer of it explained in reply to a
gibe from someone in the crowd, " to
be a likeness of his grandmother "-
the original idea invented by Mrs.
Jarleij for the triumphal entry of her
Waxworks Exhibition into a provincial
town was copied to the very life. In
spite of the day, the Show was success-
ful, and the popularity of the new LORD
MAYOR was made very evident by the
heartiness of the reception accorded him.
The Banquet was a grand affair on
the old lines, but great speakers were
absent, and Lord LANSDOWNE'S matter-of-
fact statement concerning our North Sea
difficulty with Russia was listened to
with respectful attention, but without
much heartiness of appreciation. Evi-
dently there was a depth in the deep-
sea fishery question which, as everyone
felt, was not yet plumbed.
The other speeches were perfunctory,
and added nothing to Guildhall gaiety.
The nearest approach to a light touch
in the heavy speeches was when some-
body, perhaps it was the light Lord
Chancellor, alluded to Lord Mayor POCND
as the Sovereign of the city. But the
audience didn't rise to the witticism,
and it passed with scarcely what the
reporters would enter in brackets as " a
laugh."
The eloquence was not up to the
brilliancy of the ancient Guildhall. But
the turtle sustained its ancient civic
reputation.
Not the least pleasant feature of the
Lord Mayor's Banquet is that the next
day one hundred and fifty of the deserv-
ing poor get their desserts and their
dinners, as, so the Times informs us,
" sufficient had been left to provide each
recipient with several substantial meals
in meat, poultry, game, and sweets." As
neither wine nor turtle is mentioned in
this category, it may be presumed that
of these there were no contingent re-
mainders. But even without these extra
luxuries, such a finish to a feast is
highly satisfactory. Long live our LORD-
MAYOR, and may our Corporation never
be less !
AVE, OESAR! MORITURI TE
SALUTAMUS.
["I now bid you all good-bye for ever. Port.
Arthur will be my grave."— General Stosscl'z
;••••;;/(• to tlie '_'«<//'.]
WE slept and ate and drank
And rose to play ;
He cheered each patient rank
Which stood at bay,
Uplifting hearts that sank —
The hero's way.
No pause, the summer through,
In that fierce strife,
Each day, each night anew
He gave his life,
A\ ith, close beside him, you,
Heroic wife.
We sleep and eat and drink,
And rise to play,
You on the deadly brink
Each night, each day,
Still comfort hearts that sink —
The woman's way.
Here glows the fire-lit room
When night is nigh,
There, on the edge of doom
Content to die,
Together in the gloom
You say good-bye.
TOY BOOKS.
ON reading the advertisement of a
recent publication, Toy Dogs: Their
Points and Management in Health ami
Disease, by F. T. BARTON, M.R.C.V.S.,
an Old Lowther Arcadian writes to say
that he trusts that the other toys will
have a like service rendered them, and
suggests that some of the next volumes
in the series should be as follows :
1. The Monkey on a Stick : IIo\v to
treat him for sore feet.
2. Leaden Soldiers : Their Manage-
ment in Warfare, with Chapter on
Soldering by a Master Plumber.
3. A Monograph on Eye Treatment
for Wax Dolls.
4. Wooden Horses: How to set broken
Legs. With special Chapter by an emi-
nent R.A. on how to transform a Chest-
nut to a Piebald.
A Brief Change of Air.
S1DMOUTH (South Devon). — For two or
three minutes, from first week in Novem-
ber, furnished house. — Advt. in " The Lady."
the
AYE, (LESAR!
^(Dedicated to the gallant defender of Port Arthur.)
["The honour of the Russian Eagles is untarnished, and to avoid further bloodshed humanity denirow with oae tocorf die
Jieroie remnants of the garrison."— Times, November 12.]
•urrendpr of
NOVEMHER 1C), 1904.]
A BIG PILL.
" WHAT is IT, irr PET ? "
" OH, MUM— MUMMY— I DREAMT I 'D SW-SWAU.OWED MYSELF. HAVK I ? "
LEGS AND THE MAN.
[The Clarion scents class distinction in the "knee-breeches
evening wear " movement.]
WE have fought the fight of freedom for the masses,
We have won a hundred triumphs in the past,
Till the Upper Ten, assembled
In their marbled halls, have trembled
At the echo of The Clarions silver blast.
We refused to differentiate the classes
By distinctions which are nothing but a fluke,
And our very souls have revelled
When we saw them fairly levelled,
And the waiter being taken for the Duke.
In the blessed state of nature men are brothers,
Every one of them as good as all the rest,
And the mighty empire-maker
Is no better than the baker —
Each is just a straddling radisli till he's drest.
'Tis in clothes that one man differs from the others,
And we thought the day of tyranny was done,
For in evening dress at present
Who can pick out peer from peasant ?
Prince and pauper in their swallow-tails are one.
Ear
But the forces of reaction re-awaken,
And the Dukes are on the war-path once again ;
They resent to seem no greater
Than the ordinary waiter,
They are wild to find their glories on the wane.
They have sworn an end to trousers ; they have plinkrn
Both the pillars of democracy, and swear,
Though there 's nothing else to show them,
By their breeches ye shall know them,
For they '11 swagger in the costliest of wear.
Shall we take it lying down ? Are we to suftvr.
And without a word of murmuring endure
While the vulgar man of riches
Flaunts his silk and satin breeches
In the faces of the humbly-trousered poor?
0 my brothers, it is clear to any duffer
Aristocracy is hatching some vile plot.
Let us raise our ancient war-cry,
And as in the days of yore cry —
Banish breeches, brothers ! Vitent let San+cuIoUei !
THE KILTIES. — This band having achieved popularity, the
question as to whether they are to be included in :.
takes the form of "Kiltie or not Kiltie?" and a ji,-
musicians divides.
348
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
16, 1904.
LIFE'S LITTLE DIFFICULTIES.
IH. — THE CRICKET CLUB CONCERT.
I.
The Rev. Ccesar Dear to Lady Bird.
DEAR LADY BIRD, — It] will give so
much pleasure in the Village if you
could see your way to carry out a
promise which you very kindly made
n the summer, and be the moving spirit
n the concert which is to be held on the
19th for the Cricket Club. With the
nany well-known artistes whom you
expressed yourself able to induce to
jerform, the concert cannot but be an
mqualified success, and the new roller
issured to us.
I might say that the names of Miss
EI.LALINE TERKISS and Miss ADA REEVE,
whom you felt confident of getting,
when placed before the Cricket Club
Committee elicited the wannest enthu-
siasm. So also did that of Mr. CHARLES
'or was it GEORGE ?) ROBEY.
Believe me, dear Lady BIRD,
Yours sincerely, CASAR DEAR.
n.
Lady Bird to the Rev. Ccesar Dear.
DEAR RECTOR, — -I am sorry that engage-
ments keep me in town, as I should
have liked to have talked this concert
over with you. I will certainly manage
it ; but I have a feeling — mere instinct,
perhaps, rather than reason, but !
always trust my instinct implicitly, and
have never known it fail me: indeed,
all my troubles have come from want
of faith in it — that to get London
performers would be a mistake. After
all, this is a village concert, and the
rustics will feel much more at home if
the performers are their own people.
Will you therefore send me a few names
of singers in the neighbourhood to whom
1 can write ? You will be glad to hear
that I have prevailed on Sir JULIAN to
tell some stories of Big Game shooting
in Nigeria, and my cousin Captain IDE
lias promised to imitate Sir HENRY IRVING.
My own contribution will be a share in
u little French duologue.
Yours sincerely, MILLIE BIRD.
in.
Lady Bird to Mr. Hall-Hall.
Lady BIRD having undertaken, at the
request of Dr. DEAR, to get up the
concert on the 17th, she would be
enchanted to learn that Mr. HALL-HALL
would be willing to give one of his
delightful recitations. Mr. HALL-HALL
will be glad to hear that Sir JULIAN has
promised to deliver a short address on his
experiences with Big Game in Nigeria.
IV.
Mr. Hall-Hall to Lady Bird.
Mr. HALL-HALL presents his compli
ments to Lady BIRD and will be verj
glad to'assist in the concert on the 17th.
He does not, however, recite, as Lady
Bum seems to think, but sings bass.
v.
Lady Bird to Miss Effic Plumber.
Lady BIRD presents her compliments to
Vliss EFFIE PLUMBER and would be very
*lad if she would sing at the Cricket
Jlub Concert on the 17th. Lady BIRD
•ecently heard a very attractive song
•ailed "Sammy," which she would
•ccoiumend to Miss PLUMBER'S notice.
,ady BIRD herself intends to take part in
. short French duologue, and Sir Ji I.IAN
vill give the audience the benefit of his
3ig Game experiences in Nigeria.
VI.
Miss Effic Plumler to I^adij Bird.
Miss EFFIE PLUMBER presents her com-
pliments to Lady BIRD, and begs to say
,hat she will be pleased to sing at the
>icket Club Concert on the 17th. Miss
EFFIE PLUMBER thanks Lady BIRD for her
suggestion, but she is in the habit of
singing " The Lost Chord " and " Jerusa-
em " on these occasions, with, for an
encore, "Daddy" and she cannot see
iny reason for departing from custom.
VII.
The Rev. Ccesar Dear to lady Bird.
DEAR LADY BIRD, — Chancing to meet
Miss PLUMBER this morning, I find that
she is iinder the impression that she is
to sing for us on the 17th. I hasten to
correct this misapprehension, if it is
also yours, because the date is the 19th.
[ am, dear Lady BIRD, Yours sincerely,
CJESAR DEAR.
VIII.
Lady Bird to the Rev. Ccesar Dear.
DEAR RECTOR, — Owing to the very
unfortunate way in which you made the
figure 9 in your first letter about the
concert, I took it for a 7, and have asked
every one for the 17th. Will you there-
fore change the date to that night ?
Yours sincerely,
MILLIE BIRD.
IX.
The Rev. Ccesar Dear to Lady Bird.
MY DEAR LADY BIRD, — I regret exceed-
ingly the ambiguity in the numeral. My
writing is usually considered so clear.
I regret also that the alteration of the
date to the 17th is impossible, for severa'
reasons. I have no doubt, however, that
you will be able to get most of those who
are helping us to come on the 19th, am
to find among your great circle o
friends and acquaintance others to tak
the place of the one or two that cannot
I should like to have a complete list o
names as soon as possible. Believe me
dear Lady BIRD, Yours sincerely,
C.*SAR DEAR.
X.
Lady Bird to Mr. Hall-Hall.
Lady BIRD presents her compliments
.o Mr. HALL-HALL and regrets to say
,hat owing to a mistake of the Rector's
he date of the concert' was given in
icr letter as the 17th instead of the
L9th. She trusts that the change of
veiling will make^ no difference to Mr.
IALI.-HALL, and that he will still favour
he company with one of his charming
recitations. Did Lady BIRD say in her
previous letter that Sir JULIAN was
uteuding to relate some of his experi-
inces with. Big Game ? . .._ MK..>-J«
XI.
Lad;/ Bird lo lite Rer. Ccesar Dear.
DEAR RECTOR, — I am very sorry that
you will not alter the date. This luckless
piece of illegible writing of yours may
ruin the whole evening. As my uncle the
Archbishop used to say, "Great events
often have the smallest beginnings."
But now that the date is the . 19th for
certain, it must not be changed, and we
must do what we can. Perhaps the
most Unfortunate thing is that, on a
little capricious impulse, I decided after
all that a slight leaven of the real thing
might be good, and asked Mr. HAYH.N
COFFIN and Mrs. BROWN POTTER for the
17th, and both promised, saying that that
night was the only one that was free to
them for months and months. This is
truly the irony of fate. At present all
I can count on is Sir JULIAN'S Big Game
stories, which promise to be very inter-
esting, especially as he is taking lessons
in elocution ; Captain IDE'S imitations of
Sir HENRY IRVING ; my own share in a
little French duologue ; and a few local
efforts, including one of your friend Mr.
HALL-HALL'S recitations. (Not "Ostler
JOE," I hope !) Yours sincerely,
MILLIE BIRD.
XII.
Telegram from the Rev. Ccesar Dear
to Lady Binl.
Am altering date to seventeenth to
secure COFFIN and POTTER. DEAR.
XIII.
Telegram from Lady Bird to the Per.
Ccesar Dear.
Do not alter date. Have just heard
both COFFIN and POTTER uncertain. No
reliance on artistic temperament.
BIRD.
XIV.
Mr. Hall-Hall to Lady Bird.
Mr. HALL-HALL presents his compli-
ments to Lady BIRD, and regrets that he
will be unable to assist in the concert
on the 19th by reason of an old engage-
ment. Mr. HALL-HALL begs again to
assure Lady BIRD that he does not recite,
but sings bass.
NOVEMBER 1C,
Lady Bird to the tier. Caesar Dear.
MY DEAR RECTOR,— I am exceedingly
sorry, but the responsibility of this
concert has worn me to such an extent
that Sir JULIAN insists on our leaving
at once for the Riviera. Ever since the
discovery of that unfortunate slip of
yours in the date I have felt the strain.
I am one of those who cannot take
things lightly. I am either all fire or
quite cold. I have been all fire for
your concert and its dear charitable
object, and the result is that I am worn
out, consumed. Wreck, though, that
1 am, I would persevere with it to the
end if Sir JULIAN would allow it ; but he
is a rock. I therefore enclose all the
correspondence on the subject, which
will show you how the case stands, and
make it very easy for you to complet
the arrangements. All the hard wor
is done.
Believe me, with all good wishes, yours
sincerely, MILLIE BIRD.
^ P-S.— Sir JULIAN is having his Big
Game reminiscences type-written for 3-01
to read to the audience. They are mos
thrilling. I have instructed GRANT to
send down the lion-skin hearth-rug for
the evening. It should be hung over a
chair so that the two bullet-holes show
MUSICAL JOTTINGS.
REPORTS of the uninterrupted series of
triumphs achieved by Professor BILGER
during his tour round the world con-
tinue to reach his agent, Herr Goco
BERLITZ. In Nigeria the Professor was
positively mobbed by the Yorubas, and
presented by their chief with an ambi-
dextrous chimpanzee, who has since
evinced extraordinary aptitude for the
pianola. On Professor BILGER'S reach-
ing the Solomon Islands a grand cor-
roboree was organised in his honour, at
which the hero of the hour was pelted
with yams and other honorific missiles,
and given the native title of Pomaluka
Tarabomba, or "the long-haired light-
ning-fingered chief." Herr BERLITZ is
further authorised to contradict the
rumour that Professor BILGER has
adopted the polygamous habits of his
hosts, or that his son, by way of pro-
test, has changed his name to BULGER.
Another client of Herr BERLITZ'S,
Madame CARLOTTA KLUMBUNGUS, met with
a romantic accident the other day while
Mff^€?f
INNOCENTS IN THE CITY.
Mrs. FUznoodle (evidently not well verted in iht deliearie» of a Guildhall featt)
DEAR, CAN YOU TELL HE WHAT 78 THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ' Cil-IPAOT ' AND 'CALVU'?
Colonel Fitznoodle (hesitating, and looking round for an anniacr). "CMTAULT
EXACTLY THE DIFFERENCE THERE IS BETWEEN ' GOO ' AND ' MlGUU ' ! "
Finer
watch was found on the footboard of the
same train at the same station, after it
lad made a complete round of the Inner
Circle. The fortunate discoverer of the
watch, a railway porter named HERBERT
WORPLE, has been presented by its
grateful owner with a panel portrait of
herself in the national costume of the
Canary Islands.
Mile. CHRISTINE FAROLA, the new vege-
proud boast that he had never aot oat •
WAGNER opera, and to the day of bin
death never succeeded in distinguishing
BRAJUIS from BRAJIAM. It was be abo
who made the famous retort to tb«
amateur who asked him if he lik«-«l
COKKU.I'S music: "I've read all l.< r
novels, but I never knew she was a
composer before." Mr. Jura, who wrote
Fur two dailies and seven pro\
Tapers, used to bathe daily in
tarian soprano, will give her first recital , Serpentine until he was past seventy.
at the Mixolydian Hall on Tuesday and always drank claret-cup for lunch,
evening next at 8.30 P.M. A special
travelling on the Underground. On
arrival in a Circle train at Portland
Hoarl Station, on her way to fulfil an
engagement at the Zoological Gardens,
Madame KLUMBUNGUS missed a priceless
diamond-hilted watch, presented to her
by the Sultan of the Canary Islands.
Inquiries were made, and ultimately the
feature of the programme will be the
performance of "With Verdure Clad"
by the concert-giver, with obbligato ac-
companiment on the plasmophone by
Fraulein MILKA PROTEXE. Miss PAMELA
PIM has kindly consented to give her
winter and summer.
humorous sketch, Nut Cutlets.
We regret to announce the death of
Dr. KRUMRAflCIIKR, tlic famous Illyri.n,
pianist, has just returned to Volo after a
successful tour in the United States,
during which he played 294 timea in
'
public, composed variations on " >'«nA-..
Doodle," and was received into
Mormon Church at Salt Lake City.
Dr. KRI'MRAPTREK, who is an ardent
Mr. ANDREW Junn, the distinguished philatelist, has been a teetotaller from
musical critic, at the age of seventy-six.
Mr. JUBB, who was originally brought up
to the hardware Jrade, used to utter the
hirth, and is the youngent of
brothers, none of whom weighs more
than fourteen stone.
350
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 1C, 1904.
THE PROSPECT KING.
(An Interview of tlie Near Future.)
["American millionaires have now a new fad ... they are planning
f.ncl bringing about by the potent influence of their gold nothing less
than the bodily removal of certain European landscapes." — " Chronicle,
San Francisco.]
"YES," I was informed, on presenting my credentials at
the Hotel Sybarite, "Mr. SPLOSCHMACHER was in, and would
see me." And, shortly afterwards, I was ushered into
the palatial suite of apartments which Mr. PYTHAGORAS K.
SPLOSCHMACHER retains, at' an enormous annual rental, for his
usage during his brief and very occasional visits to our
metropolis.
It was difficult to realise at first that the spare, almost
homely individual in the frock-coat and wispy black necktie,
with the nigged features and stubbly beard and moustache,
whom I found lunching unpretentiously upon a charcoal
biscuit and a wineglassful of barley-water, was the famous
American multi-trillionaire, whose energy and resources have
enabled his native country to boast that all the most celebrated
scenery of the Old World is now transported to the more
appreciative soil of Columbia.
" What was it first led me to think of collecting scenery? "
said Mr. PYTHAGORAS SPLOSCHMACHER, repeating my inquiry
thoughtfully. " Well, it was pretty much of an accident. As a
business man, I 'd no time, naturally, to devote any particular
study to the subject. In fact, when I began, I don't hardly
believe I knew one end of a view from the other ! It was
all along of my daughter that I came to take it up as a
regular hobby. She was a poetically-minded girl, at that
period, and she got a sort of hankering to see the cragged
and castled Rhine. Perhaps I should tell you that, though
I am an American citizen and proud of the fact, my ancestors
were originally of German extraction, which possibly ac-
counted for it. Well, the trouble with my daughter was
she was about the poorest sailor I ever see — the mere sight
of an ordinary rocking-chair would set her heaving! She
could not be induced to cross the Atlantic Ocean —not even
to behold the Rhine — and yet you could see the child was
fretting herself to a rag for a sight of that romantic stream
with its numerous legendary associations.
" So, as she couldn't be got to the Rhine, it occurred to me
that the Rhine — or, at all events, a characteristic section of the
same — might be got to her, and I went into the thing from a
practical point of view. I got a few scenery experts to give me
some pointers as to which part of the river was considered
lie most representatively picturesque— and then I waltzed
in with a business offer to the proper local authorities. As ]
surmised, it turned out to be merely a matter of dollars ; they
don't seem to have any use for their old peaks and things
nowadays — except to set up factory chimneys upon — so
was able to purchase both banks, from Bacharach to Bopparc
inclusive, comprising the island of Pfalz, the Loreleyfelsen
and several highly interesting mediaeval ruins, complete
with a sufficient consignment of real Rhine water to supplj
the section, at a considerably lower figure than I anticipated
I let them keep the railway track along each side, which was
all they were anxious about. Of course the problem was
getting it all safely home, and having it set'up in its origina
condition in my own grounds. There were some mistakes
I can see that now. Owing to incorrect lettering, th<
'remains of Rheinfels were re-erected on the wrong side of the
river, while the castle of Sterrenberg got dumped down on
the island of Pfalz, whose own tower unfortunately got mis
laid altogether — but my dear daughter was just as pleased
not knowing the difference. She said she guessed ther
wasn't one of America's most pampered daughters eve
received a bullier birthday present !
"Well, that was the start — the nucleus, so to "speak
)ating from that little birthday gift, I became kind of inocu-
ited with the collecting virus. I read up guide-books and
cenery manuals, and whenever I came across a Europian
audscape highly mentioned by competent judges I 'd send
ny agent around with instructions to secure the article the
noment it came into the market.
" Likely you 're aware that I am now the sole proprietor of
be celebrated French forest of Fontaiuebleau, with the
djoining chateau or pleasure palace of the French monarchs ?
fes, Sir, all those majestic sylvan giants, together with an
ssortment of rocks said to be imique, were carefully num-
)ered and transported in specially constructed vessels to our
ide of the herring-pond, and set up in a spare back lot of
nine, where they may now be inspected, on production of
isiting-card and certificate of respectability, every Fourth of
uly!
" I 've my representatives now in every part of the Europian
Continent, engaged exclusively in picking up prime portions
f the picturesque. I never know what I 've purchased till
t 's unpacked. I shouldn't wonder if I didn't find time to
xamine most of them — but still, I've the satisfaction of
mowing I haven't let a good thing slip through my lingers !
"Not but what," continued Mr. SPLOSCHMACHER, "I haven't
md my disappointments. There was Tivoli, now. I should
aave dearly loved to have acquired Tivoli, with the temple
)f the Sibyl, falls and appurtenances, as a going concern, and
''d put the contract through with the Syndic and all — but it
was not to be !
" If you '11 believe me, a benighted and despotic Covern-
nent stepped in at the last moment and declined to allow
rivoli to leave the Italian dominions !
And I don't consider I was any better treated over the
Tungfrau either. I bought that mountain for my boys, so as
hey should get some rock-climbing, which they 're partial to,
without having to travel for it. And, though they did make
me pay pretty considerable for such fixtures as railroads, I
*ot it cheap enough. But, when I came to estimate the time
t would require to take that peak down and re-erect it on
American soil, Sir, I began to realise that, before it was fit
'or use and occupation, my boys would be a deal too elderly
;o get any appreciable enjoyment out of it, and I was glad to
cancel the purchase on forfeiture of the deposit. Those Swiss
officials are smart men, Sir, and that 's a fact !
" Do I intend to acquire any of your English scenery now
[ 'm over here ? Well, I can't say for certain. I 've made
an offer for Stratford-on-Avon as it stands, because I reckon
the purchase would be generally appreciated by my fellow-
countrymen, who would like to feel that what remains of it
will be preserved from further vandalisms. But I doubt it 's
scarcely worth the outlay — being by now more of a curiosity
than a genuine antiquity.
" If you 've got such a thing left as a typical English lake
which isn't being utilised as a service tank, or suffering from
an extensive deposit of your national two-storied villa-
residences, I don't know as I mightn't secure it—just for its
rarity — but I want to know where I 'm to find it first !
"The views from Richmond Hill and Hampstead Heath
have been a good deal cracked up, I allow, and my agents have
been in treaty for one or the other — but as soon as I came to
inspect them myself I cried off. I 'm not purchasing any
landscapes with jerry-built foregrounds to them. Not much !
"Do I find my acquisitions have made me at all unpopular
on the Continent? Why no, 1 haven't observed the fact.
My experience is that the majority of the residents, after
some unrivalled stretch of their local scenery has been shipped
off to the United States, do not notice any particular differ-
ence. You see, a love for scenery is an acquired taste — it
comes, as you may say, with Culture. If any inhabitant sets
a money value on the view, it 's a consolation to him to feel
he 's got the money in his pocket. . . . Besides, he 's bound to
NOVEMBER
lose his prospect sooner or later, owing
to the increase of commercial enterprise
—in which case he knows he wouldn't
have got a red cent in compensation.
No, I reckon 1 'm an all-round benefactor.
"I tell you, Sir, if it wasn't for Me,
the next generation of Europian citizens
wouldn't begin to have any idea what
their world-famous scenery used to be
before it was all laid out in building
lots ! " F. A.
_()!{ TI1K LONDON
CHARIVARIA.
THE new edition of Great Inventors
is to be embellished with a "cut" of
Admiral ROJDESTVENSKY.
" Owing to the various conflicting
orders given to Admiral ROJDESTVENSKY,"
says the Daily Express, "his may be
described as the ' Don't -know -where
Fleet.' " Fortunately few persons have
availed themselves of this permission.
The Army Council has decided that
henceforth recruits may be accepted witl
artificial teeth " upon their undertaking
to maintain them in serviceable con-
dition." The kit inspection of the future
will undoubtedly gain in picturesque-
ness when, here and there, among the
other articles placed npon the ground, a
well pipe-clayed set of teeth appears.
The Poplar Union, in an endeavour to
become still more so, has abolished the
word "pauper" in connection with the
institution. It has not transpired what
expression is to take its place, but we
trust that it has been appreciated that a
stigma attaches to the word "millionaire "
also.
An election leaflet issued by the Free
Fooders makes the following gruesome
statement : — " The value of boots con-
sumed in the United Kingdom last year
amounted to £41,000,000." This ac-
counts for many an exceptionally tough
steak.
With a view to allaying the alarm
caused by the frequent ignition of motor
omnibuses, we are requested to state that
in no instance, so far, have the passengers
been more than slightly singed.
Face-smacking has conie into fashion
again in the French Chamber of Depu-
ties.
The New York man who wagered
that, if President ROOSEVELT were not
re-elected, he would let his hair grow
until 1908 fortunately won. We have
met musicians who made similar bets,
and unhappily lost.
Let War take a lesson from Peace.
UNNECESSARY QUESTIONS.
Lady (with gun). "An I HOLDING THE THISO HICHIT?"
President ROOSEVELT gained his great
victory with a loss of only thirteen lives.
The present attitude of the Russian
newspapers to this country is said to be
due to our taunts that the Russians
could only act on the defensive. They
wish to show that they are also masters
of the offensive.
We all know that Americans can lick
creation. It therefore came as no sur-
prise when Mr. ALEXANDER, the leader
of the revivalists now in this country,
informed an interviewer that his arms
had become like iron from beating time.
According to a Blue;book on differ-
ential duties which has just been issued,
asses once paid duty. There was not
always a Passive Resistance movement.
The young lady who represent"!
Iritannia on the summit of the allegorical
car in the Lord Mayor's Show receive I.
it has transpired, a fee of fifUwn nlii I :
a bottle of lemonade, and a Melton
Mowbraypie. Her dignified beari off was
due, we understand, to the bottle of
lemonade.
THE "WHITE Sums TRAFFIC" OMCE
MORE. — " The Earl of LOMDBWMBOOH has
intimated to the tenant* on his Scoreby
Estate, near York, and his Tathwcll and
Hallington domains, in North Lincoln
shire, that he is about to have thein put
up for sale by auction."- The Standard.
THE CZAR has described the Baltic Fksct
as a "dear squadron." This is surely but
a modest estimate of its extraordinarily
expensive tastes.
FEARS have been expressed thai
Admiral ROJDESTVEKBKT, on finding the
Equator across his path, will fire on that
imaginary object.
352
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[XoVKMUF.R 1C, 1904.
A FAILURE.
Fanner. " WELL, GEORGE, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU ON THAT THERE BICYCLE AS YOU BOI'QUT LATELY."
George. "Ns, FARMER. HE BEAN'T NO GOOD TO I. HE CAN'T FIND HIS WAY 'OME, AN' HE irw.v'i
CARRY CIDER ! " 9 '
MAIL-CART DIALOGUE.
" LOOK here, young Tenweeks, toe the
line, will you ! " ejaculated Twoyears
from the other end o£ the slowly-moving
perambulator; "you begin by un-
expectedly monopolising the better half
of my mail-cart, and end by kicking me
in the sash."
" I 'm sorry — but it 's really not my
fault," returned the other in a moody
whimper. " If I draw my knees up fur-
ther towards my chin they '11 imme-
diately give me dill-water, as you may
remember from your own experience ;
— if not too far back."
" Dill-water— dear, dear!" said Two-
years, somewhat mollified, " what youth-
fid memories that name recalls ! So you
don't like it either ? "
"It has its uses," replied Tenweeks,
" but as a universal remedy it is over-
rated. Dill - water cannot cure the
consequences of an unlatched safety-pin,
the trials of the toilet, or the suffoca-
tion which results from a tight neck-
string, yet it is freely administered for
all these complaints."
" But why take it ? You should do a
choke every time — that's the tip."
" I 've tried that," returned the infant
morosely, "and now they mix it in my
bottle."
" Well, I can't advise you not to take
that, my young friend," said Twoyears,
with a dimpling smile; "and to judge
from the commotion at your end of the
nursery before meals it wouldn't be
much use if I did."
"As for that, don't misunderstand
me," said Tenweeks. "It is not my
own internal requirements that irritate
me so much as the servants' gross un-
punctuality. I have never had a mea'
yet without having to call for it re-
peatedly."
" So I 've noticed," replied Twoyears.
' Fortunately I 've left all that behind
me, being at the bread, gravy and spoon
Mago myself."
" Hut do you get enough ? "
"Never; though by playing 'bow-
wow ' round the table one may often
ixtraet a little something from an appre-
iative Auntie."
" Don't mention Aunties — they '11 be
the death of me ! " exclaimed the other
bitterly. " It 's a pity they can't employ
their time better than by making more
things to tie round my neck — as if I
badn't got enough already. Too little
to eat, too much to wear — that's
my grievance. What was yours last
night, by the way ? I fancy I heard you
at some length."
" Oh yes, I did make things hum a
bit. They're trying to break me of
going to sleep with my comforter in my
mouth, but as I have no intention of
relinquishing it now, or at any future
time, 1 am prepared to protest till ally's
blue — myself included."
" I noticed the man came up eventually,
and insisted on your having it."
"The man?— that's father! He's
not a bad sort when you know him.
' Anything for peace ' is his motto ;
besides, he 's always sucking a comforter
himself — one of those queer-shaped ones
that leave such a penetrating smell
behind them."
" But what curiously ineffective beings
these fathers seem to be, though,"
remarked Tenweeks. "He picked me
up once. Great Bibs and Tie-ups! ;I
thought my back had gone."
" Ah, but you'll find they become less
helpless as you grow older and can take
them about a bit. And talking of tie-
ups I don't understand why you is are
yellow, while mine, as far as [I can
remember, were red."
Tenweeks paused a moment before
replying, then said significantly, " Far
be it from me to infer why yours were
red. Mine are yellow, to match my
hair."
Twoyears stiffened, then said with a
puzzled smile, " Your what?"
" My hair," replied the infant defen-
sively.
" Which is that? " inquired the other,
and went off into a gurgle of laughter.
Hurt beyond measure, Tenweeks re-
plied by resuming the position objected
to at the beginning of the dialogue.
Twoyears pushed him back roughly,
and received a sharp tap on the shoulder
from a white-thread-gloved hand, which
deserted the handle at the back for that
purpose. A howl arose from either end
of the mail-cart, and, comforters being
promptly applied, further conversation
was rendered impossible.
NOVEMBER 16, 1'JOJ.j
THE SAN CARLISTS AT COVENT GARDEN.
NEW opera based (and tenor'd) on old
play. Better perhaps for both works had
composer CILEA shown his Calabrian
calibre in an original libretto and not
listened to the voice of the writer
Signor A. COLAUTTI, write he never so
nicely. However 'tis done, and this
'Lyrical Drama" (why not simply
"Opera"?) "based on SCRIBE anil
LEGOUVE'S play" and version'd in
English "as she is writ" bv PERCY
1'i.vKERTON, was presented to an 'English
audience by the San Carlist Company,
under Mr. RUSSELL'S direction, at (Went
Garden on Tuesday 8th, eve of Lord
Mayor's Day as also of His Gracious
Majesty's Birthday. These two Eves
should be the best of English fairy
godmothers to Mile. Adrienne (pre-
ferable to " Adriana ") Lecouvreur.
To convey to others a first and correct
impression of this new work we should
say that the music is pretty throughout, though there is
scarcely one number of any note (so to speak) of which we
can rob the opera by taking it away with us. A very tuneful
KINDRED SPIRITS OF THE "STRENUOUS LIFE.'
(77i« Ka'tter and Pi-e«i:l,;,t Rooontlt.)
MR. SQUEERS OX THE EMOT1'
\.\ reviewer in the Ti>rl;*liir
L.UI ioo me opera uy taking it away with us. A very tuneful LA revu-wcr in the FoHMin Po*. d propo* of n m-ently-puHiiW
piece was encored in the Second Act, and the opera in its ! voll™e, the theme of which is the pW£ grief for the low of kit
pnt.irpfv Tvna i«£i/»ciiiTrt/-l An+liitnlnnilnnll.. i 11 £ii_ j .e „ i ! mother, remarks r — " H:irl iV»*> n/v»m luu>
was charming, both vocally and histrionically. Signer
ANSELMI played better than he sang, as he seemed ^ to . be
lacking in that touch of sympathy which the part requires.
Signer SAMMAROO as Michonnet and Signor PAROLI as U Abate
di Chazeuil (rather difficult to recognise the portrait of L'Abbe
de Choiseul painted in Italian oils) acquitted themselves
artistically as vocalists, and fairly well as histrions.
As II Principe di Bouillon (which sounds to the ignorant
as if he had obtained his title through writing a treatise on
the essence of beef-stewing) Signor ANGELINI FoBNABl was as
satisfying as a good bouillon ought to be. The ballet in
Act HI. is a dance of no particular importance. Everyone
was called by the call-boy, and all the principals by the
audience, who then vociferously cheered Signor CAJIP.VXIXI
for his admirable conduct in the chair (in the orchestra), and
gave the composer a thoroughly hearty and most gratifying
entirety was received enthusiastically by a well-filled, if not ; II!^th.e.ri5emark8,:~"Had.the P?em V^n.in'pired by love for a woman
packed (of course we do not mean an "artfully
Louse. Certainly we could hear it aga
extracts from it may achieve popularity.
The opera was most effectively placed on the stage, both
as regards scenery and costumes, especially that of Madame
DE CISNEROS, who looked strikingly handsome as La Princessa
•li Bouillon, and worthily divided the honours with Madame
jiACHETTi in the grand duet of the Second Act between]the
Princessa and Adrienne. Madame GIACHETTI as the heroine
lost ere wed, or for _a passionately U 1 .^.. I «ift. dead in her prime...
"?rocious sorrow mi^ht have been accepted a* not
But when used concerning one's mull,.
OH, Brother Bards, who make your griefs the subject for a
sonnet,
And when your heart is broken write an cWv mum it
1X71. _ __ / i \
reception. The entr'actes were too
dangerous, especially at a premiere.
long, which is always
Mr. Punch's Proverbial Philosophy.
FAITHFUL are the wounds of a friend — beware however
of his prescriptions.
The love of our own country should be implanted early
or the climate will win.
There are lots of compliments that a woman thinks bad
form ; they are paid to the others.
Labour overcometh all things, except the capitalist.
He lives longest that is awake most hours, but he yawns
a good deal.
To a brave man every soil is his country ; that accounts
for our colonies.
.
Who mourn (perhaps) a parent or some other" near relation.
Be careful to express yourselves with fitting modi-ration.
That sort of loss is bound to conic, most jx-oj.le |,;iv,- gone
through it,
So write your poem if yon miiKt Intt ilnn't you orertlo it!
These little ills of human lif.- that seem to you .so bitter
Excite in the reviewing mind a tendency to titter ;
And don't suppose your snuffling will disarm the critic's
curses,
He may respect your feelings, but lie '11 drop upon your
verses.
For it is clear as clear can IK- that filial devotion
[s not a theme for genuine ]>oetical emotion.
If the lady you 're engaged
wedding,
Some allowance will be made for any tears \oii
shedding ;
Or if a wife's decease inspires your melancholy ditty
That is, if she is young and more than usually j.p-ttv ;
Mut a mother! It is patent that no reasonable JHTHOU
to die.s a wii-k In-run- tin-
may be
sel.-ct her of all jx-ople as the peg to hang hi* verse on.
It 's (rue (hat CoWl-KR did SO. But the only iiinsttjiiciioe is
That no one ever afterwards l>clieved him in his senses.
While BYROX, with his strong good sense, his fire and force
and passion,
Apostrophised his mother in a very different fash.
A mother's only business and. I 'm told, her xile amlu;
I- in .supervise the niceties of infantile nutrition,
To hang above your baby cot with rapture. -j-im-K Im-., thing,
To nurse you through the hooping-cough and w».the the
pangs of teething.
To buy the toys you gaily bn-ak. endure your child i-h chatter —
And that is really all that need IK- .-aid aUmt the matter.
So bear this warning well in mind, oh my ]««-tii- brothers,
And never. \K\I.I:. XKVKIi write a |.,»-m to your mothers!
356
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 16, 1904,
OXFORD'S EXPANSION.
[" Dr. PARKIN'S mission has been very successful. Many linoriF.s
scholars are now in residence at Oxford."— Dai Jy Paper.']
AWAKE, ye Muses, in your blest abodes,
And sing, through me, the scholar-host of RHODES ;
Tell by my tongue how PARKIN sped apace
From land to land upon his moneyed race,
Intent to find in every spot he came to
Men to take EHODES'S shilhng and his name too.
Cape Town has heard him, and in Montreal
McG ILL'S professors hearkened to his call ;
On Morrumbidgee's banks he charmed the throng,
Mount Kosciusko sparkled at his song.
" I sing," he cried, " a land of milk and honey ;
And, lo, I bring the necessary money.
I sing of Oxford and the happy fate
That makes a lad its undergraduate."
So much he praised the University
He caused a boom in Oxford oversea,
And even advertised her on the Spree.
The KAISER saw that there was money in it : —
" Go in," he said, " my merry men, and winjt ;
Geht, mcine Kinder, netimt die Pfelfen rn.it,
And make the British fellows to up-sit ;
Drink beer and, drinking, spread your KAISER'S glory,
Dann kehrt zuriick, and tell me all your story."
Much in the States did PARKIN spend his breath ;
His message tickled every Yank to death :
In fact he very earnestly impressed
The great Republic of the fruitful West ;
Told her, since fairy-stories there 's no tax on,
All kinds of tales about the Anglo-Saxon,
His heritage, his fair Columbian daughter,
And how his blood is thicker far than water.
Utah beheld the missionary gleam ;
It flashed and flew across Missouri's stream.
Now here, now there, it lingered not in vain,
In South Dakotah, Kansas, and in Maine ;
Glanced o'er Connecticiit, and had to use its
Best work to be allowed in Massachusetts
(Rhodesian lures seemed rather to be lost on
The hard-shell Puritans who dwell in Boston) ;
Sped through New York, and, glowing like a light-house,
Lit up the teeth of TEDDY in the White House.
New Hampshire knew it ; in Virginia's view
It seemed a something strange and rare andjnew.
High in Ohio it was seen to flare ;
Montana's skies were ruddy with its glare ;
And hardy Western men relate with awe
How bright it shone in distant Arkansas.
It stayed awhile with Mr. CORTELYOO ;
Beamed on the good grey head of C. DEPEW,
And, having spread through districts all was dark in,
Returned, unwearied still, with Dr. PARKIN.
But not alone : across the stormy main
A host of youths it carried in its train,
Youths who had packed their pants and shirts and collars,
And left their homes as Mr. RHODES'S scholars,
Seeking in Oxford with a holy rage
The last enchantments of the Middle Age.
" What strange new rivers have flowed down from far
To mix with Isis and combine with Cher !
Learning I love ; I love not learning's booms "-
So growled an Oxford Don, and left his rooms ;
And next was found, with wife and child and pram,
At home and happy by the simple Cam. Tis.
A PIRATE KING.— Jolly ROGER-DESTVENSKY.
SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.
THERE 'are some very ancient stage jests, rather to be
reckoned among " bits of business," that seem to be gifted
with the perennial power of giving intense gratification to
the majority in a crowded audience, who spontaneously
express their delight in bursts of irrepressible laughter and
by the heartiest handclapping applause. Any experienced
actor will be able to tick off such certainties as "safe
laughs," on his fingers, and the truth of the calculation
will be admitted on all hands. There are some of these in
Mr. ZAKGWILL'S Merely Mary Ann, one being the misdirec-
tion of whatever liquid it may be that the actor is pouring
out (it matters not from what jug, bottle, or syphon, the
last being the most modern form), so that, instead of the-
tumbler being filled, an actor's legs are drenched, whereat,,
on its first occurrence, the audience is convulsed. On
repetition in the same piece, however, this humorous bit of
business falls flat. It is no use laughing over twice spilt
soda-water. The fun has fizzled out.
Then, in the course of a merry, successful musical piece at
another theatre, a most popular actor who can act, sing,,
dance, and generally keep the ball a-rolling nightly to
genuinely delighted audiences, gives with utmost verve »
song with a swing and a lilt in it that makes it " catch on "'
at once, and in the course of this, at the end of one line
where the word, if we remember aright, should rhyme with
" cram," and be represented by the last syllable of " Amster-
dam," the sly singer does not utter the monosyllable, but it is
expressed by a bang on the drum, and is thus rendered
intelligible to the meanest capacity wherever its possessor
may be seated, whether in the stalls, in the upper middle
circle, or among the highest intelligences at the greatest dis-
tance from the stage. And what is this rare example of
exquisite humour but a survival of the ancient " business "
that invariably formed an essential part of the old song that,
years and years ago, used invariably to be sung by the clown
in a Drury Lane pantomime on its being insistently demanded
by the "gallery boys" and "pittites" whose fathers and
grandfathers had been wont to applaud to the echo the song
known as "Hot Codlins," originally sung by Mr. JOSEPH
GRIMALDI in every pantomime wherein this King of Clowns
took part at Old Drury Lane Theatre ?
Some time ago there was a re-action against this style of
fun which was temporarily voted vulgar; superfine critics
of the period classed such exhibitions with the performance
of burlesque which they condemned as " inane," and pro-
fessed to welcome with ardour the change to "musical
pieces" which have gradually become little more than a
patch-work put together anyhow, into which any song
or dance or dialogue, however irrelevant, can be introduced
at any time, so as to keep the entertainment going as ''a
variety show," with disjointed prose, plenty of rhyme, and
very little reason. And the moral is simply the old one,
as forcible now as ever it was, and as it always will be, that
The drama's laws the drama's patrons give,
And those who live to please must please to live ;
and after all, as Nancy inquired in Oliver Twist, so may
the question now be asked, " what might be the amount of
odds so long as a lady or gentleman was happy?" And
if it pays — voila tout !
AN OFFICIAL WARNING AGAINST MAL-DE-MER. — From a printed
receipt given on board the Queensboro'-Flushing Mail Boat : —
" Passengers are particularly requested to obtain from the Stewards,
coupons, showing the amount, paid for refreshments and to retain
the same,"
The italics are Mr. Punch's, but the sole credit for the
punctuation is due to the original author of this brochure.
Xovrair.Ki! 10, I'.ti M.]
PUNCH, on TIIK LONDON CHAKIN \ui.
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358
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[XOVKMBKK 16, 1904.
THE SOLE OF HONOUR.
ARE YOU SHOD WITH SHODDY?
COPYRIGHT, 1904.
[Tliese footnotes were prepared
by one ef Mr. PLTJCH'S artful
nih-crliaers, and the observa-
tions they contain are guaran-
teed to be wholesome, palatable,
and free from all injurious
ingredients.]
THE ancient philosopher PYTHAGORAS is
recorded to have met an acquaintance in
the market-place on one of those in-
clement days which, even in the normally-
serene climatic conditions of Greece, are
apt, although with comparative infre-
quency, to depress, not less by their
intrinsic unpleasantness than by their
contrast with that ideal atmospheric
serenity beloved by the Hellenic race,
every [When is this sentence going to
end? — ED. I always start like
this. It impresses the reader.
Besides, I'm just coming to
a full stop. — ARTFUL ADVER-
TISER] citizen. Noticing that
his friend's sandals were far
from water-tight, the philoso-
pher strongly advised his
friend to go home. The
latter, however, protested that
if his sandals were worn out
at least his chiton, or tunic,
was in excellent order. " That
may be," returned PYTHAGORAS
with withering sarcasm, " but
your tunic will not keep your
feet dry." [What is the point
of th is story ? — ED. Wait, and
you 'II sec. — A. A.]
This profound aphorism
may well be impressed upon
the British public of to-day.
How frequently we may
observe a man, well-dressed in other
respects, whose boots quite
SAMPLE 1.— A boot made by any firm
but one.
2nd quality leather 25'45 parts.
3rd „" „ 24-55 „
Brown paper, &c 49'95 „
Best leather '05 „
100-00
SAMPLE 2.- -A boot made by Messrs. TAG,
LACE & Co.
(Don't forget the only address,
547, Regent Street.)
Best leather 100 parts.
100
The moral of this is obvious, and if
these articles were written with any
idea of recommending a particular firm
(which
should
of
say
course they are
that the man
not),
is foolish
Owner of Table. "
HESPECT YOVK CLOTH.
RESPECT TO NIXE!"
LOOK HERE !
I WISH TO
Yon ARE ALWAYS REMINDING ME TO
GOODNESS YOU 'D PAY A LITTLE MORE
obviously
have not been made by a really first-
indeed who buys his boots elsewhere
than at 547, Regent Street. But this
is no vulgar puff. We will only say
class firm ! Doubtless the fact may be (i) Buy your boots at a first-class house ;
attributed by some to the scarcity of ' (ii) Messrs. TAG, LACE & Cp.'s house is
really first-class bootmakers. That they • undoubtedly first-class ; (iii) There is
are scarce, we do not question ; indeed, j only one first-class house in England,
the title cannot with accuracy be con- These are incontrovertible facts ; if the
A WARNING TO MOTORISTS.
WE hear, on good authority, that the
practice of riding in motors, with its
attendant lack of exercise, is leading the
smart set and society at large to put on
adipose tissue at an alarming rate, and
at the same time to develop a Gargantuan
appetite. Before it is too late, it is as
well to point out what this is all leading
to, viz., the fatal steps of a downward
devolution, or the giddy vortex of a
vicious circle (at the moment of writing
we are not sure which). At any rate,
A Motorocracy which is obese and
voracious, especially in its feminine
members, will speedily bring about, we
prophesy, the state of things which pre-
vailed at the Court of GEORGE II., where
the ladies' credentials were ombongpong
and a handiness with knife, fork, and
fingers. This will be the psychologic
- epoch for the reappearance of
BKAU NASH, with his train
of Deputy M.C.'s and pctits-
m<t"i/re.i. XASII m/irinis will
necessitate a revival of
Bath and its goings-on (see
any old comedy).
The next move will un-
doubtedly be the reintroduc-
tion of Bath and Sedan chairs.
Among the concomitants of
the latter we shall have a re-
newed importation of
Negro Page-boys ; in other
words, we are being precipi-
tated downwards into the bad
old horrors of slavery, out of
which it was fondly hoped that
the world had emerged. From
Slavery and the Slave-market
set lip in our midst it is but a
short step to the re-establish-
ment of
The Press Gang (we shudder to write
the word, but the truth will out). It
has nothing to do with the able and
energetic members of the Fourth Estate
who make things lively in Fleet Street
in the small morning hours, but it in-
volves the abolition, or at least the
suspension, of Habeas Corpus, the un-
ferred upon more than one London house, i reader draws certain deductions from doing of Magna Charta, the Recru-
If this were a mere barefaced advertise- ' them, that, of course, is no fault of ours.
ment, we should immediately give the In our next six articles we shall speak
name of that firm. But this is a literary ! of the different kinds of footwear, giving
article, designed merely to interest the information that is suitable to the Times.
casual reader. Wild horses shall not [No doubt; but not to " Punch." — ED.]
drag us into revealing the name of the i
firm to which we allude.
Messrs. TAG, LACE & Co. (547, Regent
Street, right-hand side ; be very particu-
ORIENTAL MIXED DRIXKS. — During the
excitement caused by other news from the
Far East the following item, which in
lar about the address) are, by common , quieter times might have excited notice,
consent, the best purveyors of foot-wear has been overlooked. The North China
in the world. To them, therefore, we j Herald, dealing with the ceremony of
have applied for an expert analysis of
two sample boots, and the results are so
striking that we hasten to set them
before the public.
descence of Robber Barons, the re-erec-
tion of Portcullises and Machicolated
Battlements, and a general outbreak of
The Darkest Middle Ages. This means
nothing more nor less than a renewal of
the grossest superstitions, which will
have to be stamped out by a series of
Autos-da-Fe. We have here slipped
forward a century or two, but no matter !
From an Auto-da-Fe it is the easiest
possible transition into an Automobile,
and (as we feared at the beginning) we
opening the Shanghai Rowing Club Boat j have the whole dreadful story all over
House, says : " On a long table were ' again. Let, then, the Upper Teuf-Teuf
many dozens of glasses being filled with [ be warned in time. The British public
I champagne, sandwiches, and cigars." has had enough of motor ataxy.
NOVKMHEH 1C, 1904.]
trying
A GUNLKSS WAR OFFICE.
Members of .{>•„, y Council deliberating.
Table littered n-lik papers, in the
midst of u-hicli, reposes a llmdricli
cap, which tlte members have evi-
dently been trying on in turn before
a pier -gloat in the background,
during a discussion as to the re-
tponaibility for the introduction of
the head-dress in question.
First member (designingly). No, the
thing doesn't suit any of us— hardly
a fair test perhaps. Wish the
was in Tibet. Too bad of B.
to shirk his responsibility for
it, after telling me he would
approve of anything that
wouldn't stop recruiting and
be to the taste of the British
Nursemaid. Hang the— no, I
don't mean that, but it is
really most annoying, after all
our trouble, that the British
Nursemaid should object to
the cap. We shall have to get
a British Nursemaid on the
Council, I suppose.
Second member (impres-
sively, struck by a brilliant
idea). There's nothing like
testing the matter personally
to get at the truth. As a
family man you must have a
British Nursemaid some-
where on the premises. Now
suppose you take the cap home,
put it on, have the Nursemaid
sent for in a casual, incidental
kind of way, and watch the
effect.
First member mildly but
firmly and decidedly negatives
the proposal.
Second member (disap-
pointed). Well, of course if
you object, there's no more to
be said. By the way, I got an
anonymous letter this morn-
ing from some fellow who says
he knows another fellow who
saw an article in an evening
OHM
neat that, ,.|,y „„, ,|H.
, but the joke. Well, I ,,„,, „ , f
that cap all night and think ,,f it all dav
and then, on the top of all this th.'v
want to worry us about guns '
First Member. Well, I nit|1(.r falll.v
w
now you speak of it, 1 did hear of «„,„..
thing of the kind. They say they 've
got a splendid gun designed -
101 , e •"--iifcui-u an
18i-pounder, a long way the best in the
THE HIGHWAY; OR, THE GHOST'S MISTAKE.
Shade of Turpln. ''OiDzooKs! TIMES DON'T SKKM n> IUVE CUANOED
MCCH, AFTER ALL.'"
paper (an influential evening paper, he [market —but they couldn't get the n ey
says), stating categorically that the guns j out of the Treasury, and the maannw-
of the Field Artillery are utterly out of I turing people actually refuse to
date, and inferior to those of every other *1-~
European Power— scarce a quick-firer
amongst them, except some Gennan
make
the guns unless they get paid for thorn
—so much for patriotism ! But (iriih n
sudden inspiration) why not wire down
guns which we got with great difficulty . to Woolwich and see if they know any-
and in a great hurry when the Boer tiling ? The Kisc was down there the
affair was on ; and backs up his state- other day inspecting the Artillery, and
ments with the authority of an officer of he would have noticed fast enough if
high rank in the Britisli Army— wonder , there had been anything wrong. Don't
who that can be? You don't happen to t believe there is, but jM-rliaps. in satisfy
know anything about it ? I suppose the the Public, we might wire, or drop a line
public will as usual want to know who to someone down then.
is responsible, and how such tilings are Third Member. Well, we can't po-iMv
possible after the re-organisation that see to everything. Let's get luck t<>
brought I's into being, and all the rest business, or we shall be late for lunch.
of it. Why can't these newspaper Now about this cap ....
SOM2 GAS .
1'l.iiv -honlv ..
UMfcntod that an*.,
nde HhowB there will i
following :
Fully Inflated _
•I'mn* the BMH] by .l,e Low"e75ou^
'1 1 arhamcnt. A large number of UMM
r'' M Irish manufacture ;,nd l^y, to
BXplodfl without warning. <>n« of Uw
remainder, a Wcl«|, ,y
cliargcd and warn.'
six hours at a stretch. Another, «>
buted by a Luncn-
w practically inexhat
The two hitter, with many
more of similar construction,
will be emplov<-d f(,r the j||,,.
minatioiKif platforms through-
out the country pendm.
approach of the
'».
Some American "S,«-ll-
binders." as u ,rj,,k,
purposes in the \V,>t .luring
the recent Presidential
i/s'n. They shiil a somewhat
garish light, not unmixi-d with
iisiileral.li' warmth, on im-
promptu crowds in Milway
stations, market square*,
oilier places of public resort.
An Incandescent Mantle.
exhibited by the Prophet
ELIJAH DIIWIK. at white heat
by reason of the rcnist.u,, •• and
non'-conductivity of Untish
atmosphere.
A selection of Simple House-
hold Meters (on the Penny in
the slot 1'rinciplei displayed
by the Poet Liun-.it.'. They
are Made in England, are
guaranteed against (
"fraud-jiilfenil," and may U-
read by a child.
A variety of Safety Kilmer*,
otherwise known as " Pas-
sive Resid • • I,.-.. p. in. I
economical. They are spivially
designed to lower the rates ami at tin-
same time spread the light. Their
invention and employment is a liU r.,1
education in the art of circumventing
the law without burning the tit
The amount of gas these ingenious little
applications give off is simply marvellous.
Manifestos ami ''i-iir- to the Fleet
l,y KusMian admiral.-', with full directions
in the case of Panic at Sea; alao a
Treatise on " Accidenta and How
may be Explained Away."
Manifestos and Ordfrw to the FV
British Cabinet Minihters, with coi, ;
rules' for the diplomatic avoidance of
taking offence; also ;t Text-bonk
" I 'i rates at Large, and Mow their
ceptibilities may IH- Tenderly Handled."
360
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 10, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
MY Baronite finds The Farm oj (lie Dagger (
though less lengthy in form, less elaborate in treatment,
than some of the books that have made the fame of Mr.
EDEN PHILLPOTTS, not less charming. It has about it the
babble of Dart, the breath and bloom of the moor the
author knows so well and loves so dearly. Next to THOMAS
HABDY Mr. PIIII.LPOTTS is master of the characterisation of
the country villager, with his quaint picturesque talk infused
with sub-acid humour. Ere Newconibe, round whose love-
story tragedy gathers, is a delightful English girl. Con-
trasted with her purity and faithfulness is the history
of her father and his hated neighbour Roger Honeywell,
closing in a dramatic scene in the parlour at Dagger
Farm, where the passing visitor shares with his host a
draught of John Neu-combe's sparkling (for the occa-
sion poisoned) home-brewed ale. " As Honeywell set
down his second glass he felt the sensation of a hot belt
tightening round his stomach. ' What 's this ? ' he said, and
stared at Neiocombe. ' Death,' answered the other grimly,
'death at last, though I've got to go too. That 's no matter.
I '11 die happy to see you die.' " Hating each other in life,
in death they were not divided.
The humour or artistic value of Louis WAIN'S cats the
Baron has always failed to appreciate, and a searching
inquiry into the merits of this artist's pictures in Funny
Animals (CLARKE & Co.) only confirms the Baron in his own
opinion. Mr. SHEPHERD'S monkeys and frogs in this book
are really humorous. His pigs, The Little Triiants, and his
Cockatoos, are full of " go." The " other .artists " (so adver-
tised) do good work, specially Mr. CROMWELL LAURENCE in
his Fishes at School. A book to amuse children.
The only flaw my Baronite notes in the perfectness of
MARION CRAWFORD'S latest work is its title, Whosoever Shall
Offend (MACMILLAN) is not more appropriate to the story than
if it had been called Here To-day and Gone To-morrow. That
is, however, a detail which does not affect the masterfulness
of the work. Some may find it a little rude in the frankness
of its dealing with the ways of common life in Italy. Men
are too ready with poison and dagger, women too careless
about the marriage ceremony, to suit the severer taste of more
northern latitudes. Nevertheless — perhaps, therefore — there
is a good deal of human nature in the drama. One of the
strongest characters is Regina, the peasant girl who saves
the life of the rich young Marcello, nurses him through
illness following on one of the few uncompleted attempts at
murder that star the story, loves him, lives with him, and
sets aside his offer to marry her because she is not Signorina,
and therefore not good enough for the position. Another
fine study is her father Ereole, gamekeeper and gardener to
Marcello' s mother. A third is his dog Nino, a faithful savage
brute, doubtless drawn from life. From these hints it will be
gathered that the story is not written with pen dipped in
rosewater. It is a tragedy whose unfolding holds the reader
in grim grip from the first chapter to the List.
In considering the wittily named Harvest of Chaff
(CONSTABLE) My Baronite is hampered by consideration of the
fact that, with one exception, the sparkling verse first bubbled
in the weekly cauldron of Punch. All the world read it there.
Here is opportunity of fully recognising the resource and
skill by which, dealing with a variety of topics, the high note
pitched in the opening effort is maintained throughout.
HOMER nodded (as has been said before), and WORDSWORTH,
whilst sometimes touching the highest peaks of poetry,
occasionally descended to depths of doggerel. OWEN SEAMAN';
work is almost monotonous in its unflawed excellence. The
ubjects, being picked out for Punch from the topics of the
week, naturally vary in point when presented in book form.
But each is touched with master hand. Mr. SEAMAN laughs,
iynically for the most part, round all his multiform topics.
But he is never frivolous. For example, dealing with one of
the bye-elections he, in dramatic verse, depicts the feeling of
m upstart bumptious employer of labour who woos the
labour vote in effort to get in the House of Commons, and
explodes in wrath at discovery that at Barnard Castle a labour
candidate has defeated the oflicial Liberal nominee. We have
already forgotten Barnard Castle and the result of its poll ;
Mr. SEAM\N. perceiving in it an influence that may have
important consequences on the political position in the
immediate future, does well to preserve the pungent com-
mentary. Whilst daintily toying with newspaper topics in
fashion that recalls CAI.VERLEY. .Mr. SEVMAV upon occasion doffs
the jester's suit and strikes a solemn chord. The death of Queen
VICTORIA brought forth a multitude of verse, in merit ranking
down to the level of the Poet Laureate. In music, pathos, and
simplicity, the noble tribute laid on the dead QrEEx's coffin by
Mr. Punch's Young Man is incomparable.
Christinas books, reports the Assistant Header, have begun
to set in with their usual pleasant prematurity. Amongst
these I desire to single out a particularly pretty little story
for children, entitled Buffies, the Story of a Dog (BiCKEi;si,
written by A. L., and illustrated by Sum. JJinioi.LS. The story
is simply and gracefully written, and children are certain to
be charmed both by it and by the delightful pictures that Miss
MiniOLLS has drawn and painted to accompany and adorn it.
The Golliwog, being a bit played out in England, is taken
abroad for a Christmas holiday excursion by Miss FLORENCE
K. UPTON, and its adventures among the Dutch Dolls are
described pictorially by her clever eccentric pencil and paint-
brush, and by Miss BERTHA UITON'S Golliwoggian Muse, in a
bright publication (LONGMANS, GREEN & Co.), entitled The
Golliwog in Holland. The Dutchesses, or 1 hitch 1 >olls, are
quaintly captivating, and if only for their sweet sakes the
dollinquencies of the Golliwog, whom the Baron trusts he
now sees for the last time, will be forgiven.
Let the Baron recommend Mr. FERCTS Ilr.Mi:, author of The
Wooden Hand (F. V. WHITE & Co.), when next he wishes to
interest us in a story depending upon a mysterious murder,
to be very careful that the victim be neither wooden-headed
nor wooden-handed (as in this case), but somebody whom the
reader has learnt to love. The exact reverse of this is
instanced in this the above-named author's latest novel.
The Baron loveth a good sensational plot, whether in
melodrama or romance, but no melodrama or romance ever
yet achieved thorough success unless the victim, either of
mistake or treachery, had won the entire sympathy of the
audience or the reader, from the very commencement. In
this story there are too many
characters ; they hamper the
author and confuse the reader,
and none of them, save the
circus girl, offers any point of
individual interest. All have
something to do, directly or
remotely — and this is where
Mr. HUME shows his inge-
nuity— with the crime and its
unravelling. Faute de miru.r,
'twill serve a non-Bridge-player
on a wet 'day in a country
house.
THE
B.-W.
THE VOYAGE OF THE BALTIC FLEET.-No. V.
kettle-drums in the orchestra, while
its hind legs became entangled in the
strings of the harp. The curtain was
promptly lowered, and the conductor
with great presence of mind directed
the available members of the band
to play some soothing strains, which in
a short space tranquillised the dis-
tressed quadruped, who was promptly
removed to Charing Cross Hospital in a
_„ _. four-wheeler.
portion of the foyer has been railed off We regret to state that an unfortunate
as a lounge and refreshment bar for accident has marred the success of this
PETS AT THE PLAY.
["The modern craze for unusual pets was
exemplified (at the performance of Adriana
Lecouvreur at Covent Garden last Saturday) by
a well-known lady who brought a chameleon.
The little creature is very sensitive to music,
which seems to hypnotise it."— Daily Mail.
November 14.]
MR. GEORGE EDWARDES, always on the
alert to diagnose the trend of fashion,
has made arrangements by which a
pets, a trained keeper from the Zoo being
always in attendance. Already this
timely concession has been fully appre-
ciated. Thus on Monday evening we
noticed in the stalls Father IGNATIUS
with his rubricated racoon, Lord SHUTTLE-
WORTH with a select party of hartebeestes,
and Miss MARIE CORELLI with her tame
swan.
popular innovation. On Wednesday
evening Mr. EDMUND PAYNE was severely
bitten in the small of the back by a
tame tarantula which had escaped from
the gold filigree reticule of pretty Mrs.
STUYVESANT SALMON, who was otherwise
charming in pink. The audience had
for some time been conscious that Mr.
PAYNE had been dancing with more |
The performance on Tuesday was en-, than his usual vivacity, but a profound
ivened by a most diverting episode. ' feeling of sympathy was evoked when
)vercome by Miss CONNIE EDISS'S first j the burly form of Mr. EDWARDES was
ong, a fine young zebra, which formed -seen to step before the curtain with the
ne of the Hon. WALTER ROTHSCHILD'S distressing revelation of the true IMUX-
>arty, became so excited that it tried of his momentous agility. The latest
.0 leap from the box on to the stage, but notice in the flies reads, " No spiders
tiling short broke through two of the admitted."
THE PAINTER AND THE
CARPENTER.
Tim Painter and the Carpenter
Were walking side by side,
They wept like anything to think
Of SniK-ir\i:i: yot untried.
"If we," said they, "could have our
way,
He 'd join the flowing tide."
" If Managers," the Painter said,
Would send for you and me,
As (just to take a recent case)
Did Mr. BuKiiimnu 'I
We 'd make the Bard a living thing,
And all would crowd to see.
' A little work." the Painter said,
" Fr.im pencils that are blue;
A ballet here, a Iwllet there ;
A comic song or two ;
And i II-K wmiM pay
If left to me and \
" If seven SHAW? with seven pen*
Should write for half a ;
Do you suppose," the Painter said,
• "They'd till the so<v
The (':ir|«'Mter siM nothing but,
" U';iit till we do our Lear!"
3G2
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVKMHER 23, 1904.
A BLANK WEEK.
['Toscimur. Si quid vacui," &c. — HORACE.]
WHAT motive wakes the motley minstrel's lyre ?
Shall lie from sere November's sullen dearth,
Its morbid fogs, its pestilential mire,
Start his hebdomadal attempt at mirth ?
No ; though the topic falls superbly pat,
I shall not touch on that.
Shall I acclaim our Guest with winged words,
Warm in his corner where the coverts laugh
With wealth of royal or of ducal birds ?
No ; I shall leave the bustling Biograph
To catch a cursory inspiration from
That suave and doughty DOM.
Shall I apostrophise the art of CAINE,
When there is One, the match of iifty score,
Whose life-work is to make his merits plain
And spread his circulation more and more?
No ; let the veteran boomster roll his own
Peculiar log alone.
Shall I, for choice, describe the Baltic chief
Probing his way, at half-a-brace of knots,
To where the hosts of PHARAOH came to grief ?
No ; 'tis a tale for Cardiff patriots,
Engaged to expedite him toward the goal
By help of British coal.
Shall I rehearse the yoimg DALMENY'S mot,
Who takes the Press (that mighty power) to task
For being captured by the charms of JOK ?
No ; I will let the Free Trade Liberals ask
Of their respected Champion's next-of-kin :
" Where does our Press come in ? "
Shall I repeat Lord GEORGE'S pungent quips
Touching the PREMIER, how he went and hedged ?
No ; for of all who heard from ARTHUR'S lips
The Great " Repudiation " (as alleged)
Not one, not even AKTHUR'S self, could glean
Just what he meant to mean.
Such are the themes on which our thinkers brood,
And in a bard of more heroic mould
They should inspire the right creative mood,
But, for myself, they leave me strangely cold ;
Therefore, this week, ignoring Duty's call,
I shall not write at all. 0. S.
PROTECTION AGAINST MOTOR-CARS.
SIR, — I recently read with interest a letter in the Times from
" A Cyclist since 1868." In it he announced his intention
of carrying a tail-light in order to avoid being run into from
behind. The idea is admirable, and my wife and I, as
Pedestrians since 1826 and 1823 respectively, propose to
wear two lamps each in future, a white and a red.
We are, however, a little exercised to know whether we
should carry the white in front and the red behind, or vice
versa. For in walking along the right side of a road we
shall appear on the wrong side to an approaching motor-car.
Would it not therefore be better for us to have the tail-light
in front ? Your most humble and obedient servant,
LUX PliJEPOSTKRA.
P.S. — Would such an arrangement make us " carriages "
in the eye of the law ? At present we appear to be merely
a sub-division of the class "unlighted objects."
QUEEN SYLVIA.
CHAPTER I.
How she came, to the Tin-one.
" WILL you break it to her ? " said the Chamberlain.
"No," said the Prime Minister. "I rather think you should
do that. I'll stand by and help you, of course. |!,,t she's
so very young, only fifteen, that it won't be very dlHiriilt."
"Well, well," said the Chamberlain with a sigh, "I'll do
my best. Poor little thing, it is sad to think that at her
ge she should be so heavily burdened."
" What a fatality ! " said the Prime Minister after a pause
The old King, of course, might have gone at any moment
but who could have foretold that Prince CIIAKII.S and his
two sons would perish in that dreadful accident, and that
the crown would descend to this frail little grand-niece."
"Providence," said the Chamberlain sententiously, "moves
in a mysterious way. Do you know anything of the child ? "
"Nothing whatever, except that she and her mother have
lived in obscurity for many years."
" It will be a great change," said the Chamberlain. " But
I must compose my mind for the task that is before me,
for we cannot be far from her home."
At this point I may as well pause for a moment in order
to tell you a little more plainly how it happened that on
this foggy November morning these two old gentlemen were
sitting in a heavy carriage drawn by two fat bay horses and
driven by a coachman who on his hammer-cloth perch looked
for all the world like a noble advertisement of beef and plum-
pudding and good old ale.
First let me tell you that the great country of Hinterland
had just lost its King, and the situation had been further
complicated by the tragedy which had on the same day
carried off his only son and his two grandsons. Thus the
3rown had passed to the Princess SYLVIA, who was grand-
laughter to the late King's brother. This brother, having
ncurred great debts, and having in most other respects
offended the Hinterlauders, had been banished from the Court
and had died in exile. His son, who was SM.\ i\'s lather, had
aken to a seafaring life and had perished ten years ago in a
terrible storm, and thus SYLVIA, whose acquaintance you
ire soon to make, was changed into a Sovereign. Nobody
lad supposed that chance 'would ever make little SYLVIA a
^ueen, and at this moment she herself was quite ignorant
of her own importance. She had lived all her life with her
nother in a cottage ten miles from the capital, and none of
icr great relations had ever taken the least notice of her.
These things, as of course you know, do very often happen
n royal families. The history books simply 'teem with such
matters, and people ought long ago to have got quite used
o them. Yet when it became known to the Hinterlanders
that this little girl was to be their Queen great surprise was
expressed, and many leading articles in all the newspapers
drew morals from SYLVIA'S unexpected good fortune and gave
elaborate accounts of her appearance, her admirable conduct
and her innumerable accomplishments, which, it seemed,
were far beyond her years, and fitted her excellently for the
ugh position to which she had been called. As you will have
guessed, the Prime Minister and the Chamberlain were at this,
noment on their way to announce to her officially her
accession to the throne of her ancestors.
A few words, too, I must say about Hinterland and its
>eople.
That the country was really called Hinterland I have every
reason to believe ; and, if anybody knows, I ought to, for I
lave investigated the matter most carefully, and have con-
ulted all the available sources of information, including,
naturally, the Encyclopedia Britannica, Whitaker's Almanack,
tuff's Guide to the Turf, the Dictionary of Gardening, and
he Comparative lexicon of Folk-Lore in fifteen volumes.
——^^-^^^KL-^ot^u 23, 1904.
CAKLOS HIS FEIEND.
[The King of POBTUGAL enjoys the reputation of having achieved great success, some years ago, as an amateur Turexlor.]
WITH THE "BLUE AND BUFF."
[The Duke of BEAUFORT'S hounds last year established a record for having killed the largesfnujuber of toua la one aeawo.J
Innocent Stranger (excitedly). "I'VE JUST SEEN SEVEN FOXES caoss THAT BIDE! "
Whip. "OH, THAT '8 ONLY A FEW OF THE STRAGGLERS, SlB. THE MAIN BODY 'g GONE AWAY AT TH1 TOP."
Family^ and dynastic reasons forbid me to indicate the
country's geographical situation more closely than by saying
that it is to be found marked on nearly all large maps, blue
(or perhaps red) being the colour most usually employed for
its outlines. It is a large country, possessing a considerable
supply of rivers and the ordinary allowance of mountain
ranges, inked-in in such a way as to resemble miniature
feather-boas. These details should be sufficient to enable
anyone of ordinary intelligence to pick out the country
without very much trouble.
As to the language spoken by Hinterlanders, it is of the
Indo-German family, with an infusion of Latin, and more
than a dash of modern American. I need not trouble you,
however, very much about the language, for I shall use
English throughout this story, so as to obviate the necessity
ior employing a certified interpreter to translate the various
conversations I shall have to record in the course of my
narrative.
And now we can get on.
«• 0 * « » 3
While the Chamberlain and the Prime Minister were
rumbling on their way, and conversing in the manner I h:ive
set out, SYLVIA was in the garden with IRT St. Ilerniml dog
and SARAH, the maid-of-all-work
" You 're keepin' me from my work. Miss, you really are,"
said SARAH. "I can't stop here all the m- -ruing anav •
questions."
"I asked you, SARAH," said SYLVIA with some dignity,
"how far the sun was from the earth. Everybody mi
know that."
" I haven't time to bother my head about the sun. There '«
many more things I don't know, heaps and heaps of 'em, Init
why, look, Miss, at that great carriage coming alon_
them two footmen all over gold holdin' on to the hack
by straps. Why, 1 do declare it's stoppin' here. I must go
and get myself tidy to let the quality in."
She ran into the house. The carriage door was flung •
and the two great dignitaries of the kingdom jj.it out and
walked up the little gravel path and knocked at the <i
Laurel Cottage.
" ( 'onduet us to Her Majesty," said the Prime Minister, as
the gaping SARAH opened the door.
366
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
; \O\EMHKK 2:',, 11)04.
FROM DELIA, BRIDGE EXPERT.
(See Puneli, Nov. 9, 1904.)
THINK you I heed your stern tirades,
My once-respectful carpet knight,
Or that I care a trick in spades
For anything you say or write?
These eyes, that fix a steady stare
Upon the thirteenth trump's removal,
Believe me, have no glance to spare
For your didactic disapproval.
Perhaps, in some benighted age,
Ere the One Thing Worth Doing
came,
Our friendship may have reached a stage
Which merited a tenderer name.
What then ? And what have I to say
i To whispered words and soft confes-
sions,
Whose very language gives to-day
New meanings to the old expressions?
The vacant scoring-board imparts
A fresh significance to Love,
And pleasantly connects with Hearts
The thought of sixty-four above :
I set no value on my hand
Unless it chance to be a strong one,
The only suit that I can stand
Must be a red one or a long one.
Far better come with me, and sink
Your wrath where rubbers are at stake,
Where the point is not what you think,
But rather what you mean to make.
What is it ? Spades or none ? Be bold,
While with an anxious trepidation
Your DELIA trembles, as of old,
To hear once more your declaration.
CHARIVARIA.
ACCORDING to a report from Vienna,
Russia will only be willing to listen to
mediators when her arms have won a
great victory. This is confirmed by the
semi-official communication from St.
Petersburg, which states that Russia will
never consent to any intervention in the
war.
Sir THOMAS BARCLAY is considering the
advisability of summoning the editors of
all the European newspapers to a Peace
Congress at the Hague. There is little
doubt that these gentlemen would favour
any scheme for putting an end to the
vrar, with all its attendant horrors, for
the expense and futility of special war
correspondence is becoming unbearable.
The duel between Lieutenant ANDUE
and the Comte DE LA ROCHETHULON was
unfortunately marred by an accident,
the Lieutenant's hand being scratched.
We are sorry that the London Maga-
zine should, in an article on King
EDWARD, publish a paragraph calculated
to hurt the feelings of the German
EMPEROR, with whom we are at present
at peace. We refer to the following
lines : — " EDWARD THE SEVENTH, beyond
all question, is the most conspicuous,
the most illustrious, and the most
popular figure throughout the zones of
the globe."
By the by, the Christmas Number of
the London Magazine is announced as
being " filled with bright Christmas
reading and pictures." Its cheery
contents comprise a copiously illustrated
article entitled " A five-hundred mile
Funeral March."
To Mr. W. T. STEVD'S no little astonish-
ment, Mr. PINERO is said to be writing
another play.
Mrs. BnowN-PoTiT.tt's question, " For
Church or Stage?" has received its
answer from the theatre-goers, who have
decided in favour of the Church.
The rumour that the~U Bohemian
Siamese Twins have quarrelled is un-
true. They are still inseparable.
A propos, you would have (thought
that one amalgamation would show some
consideration to another, yet, when these
twins travelled by the South Eastern
and London, Chatham and Dover Rail-
way, that Company insisted upon two
tickets being taken.
Owing to the impending demolition of
the building, the New English Art Club
will have to leave the Egyptian Hall.
The Club will find it difficult to discover
quarters as appropriate as " The Home
of Mystery."
Cambridge is thinking of abolishing
compxdsory Greek. So is Crete.
At the gun trial of our newest battle-
ship the quarter-deck buckled to the
extent of three inches. It is now
rumoured that the vessel is to be re-
christened The Shield and Buckler.
The Army Council has at last had its
eyes opened to the necessity for improv-
ing the physique of our recruits. A
deserter from the South Wales Borderers
succeeded in escaping, last week, from a
Birmingham lock-up through an aperture
less than eleven inches square.
As the result of a dispute, the pulpit
of the Evangelical Union Church at
Dalkeith was last week occupied by two
rival preachers at the same time, each of
them straggling to obtain a hearing.
There is little doubt that, if every place
of worship were to provide similar
attractions, we should hear less of empty
churches.
The Yellow Peril. -—The fog.
"When I am not with my Kings and
Queens," declared little FLORIZEL VON
REITEK to an interviewer, " I am in the
Zoological Gardens.'' The more sensi-
tive of the Kings and Queens are said
to be annoyed at the form of consolation
chosen by their little friend.
Great joy not infreqtiently turns meu's
heads. A Bohemian labourer, on being
informed that his wife had presented
him with twins, committed suicide.
It is denied that the aim of the new
proprietor of the Stan<l<trd is to cater I'm-
millionaires and other wealthy pcrs uis
who desire to have a halfpenny paper
for a penn\ .
THE NEW HYGIENE.
LN view of the paramount importance
attached to " fitness" by the best authori-
ties, Mr. Punch is happy to announce
that he has secured the services of the
eminent expert, Mr. LEVE-HI* TII.KS, who
will contribute a series of papers of
which this is the first instalment.
HOW TO KEEP AWAKE.
BY LKVESOX TILES, M.A.
The great curse of the age is excess.
What excess really is, we do not know,
for one man's meat may be another
man's poison, and an old proverb
remember that proverbs are the wit of
one man but the wisdom of many
lays down the golden rule, "The more
the merrier." Still, it may be taken as
a postulate of modern life that we sadly
ignore the golden mean. We eat too
much, drink too much, above all we
sleep too much. And as the efficiency
of a nation resides in the amount of its
output in its waking hours, it stands to
reason that the nation which is widest
awake must come to the top.
ANTIDOTES TO SOMNOLENCE.
First and foremost of the short cuts
to wakefulness is the choice of noisy
surroundings. Recurrent noises of an
identical character are of no use. The
men on board a lightship in a fug who
are not on duty sleep complacently while
the siren hoots every fifteen seconds.
Noise to be really stimulating should bo
irregular and diversified. Thus, if I
have an important piece of literary work
to finish, I alternate a gramophone with
an alarum clock, and by leaving bowls of
milk and fragments of fried fish on the
leads ensure the attendance of a constant
succession of feline serenaders. The
Duke of DEVONSHIRE, in his masterly
monograph entitled " Wake up, Eng-
land ! " recommends residence in a
boiler-maker's yard, or a belfry, but only
NOVEMBER 23, 1901.]
an iron constitution can stand
USEFUL RECIPES.
Just as the continuous perusal of a
serious author is found to promote
sleepiness, so the judicious jumping
from grave to gay will stave off the
insidious overtures of Morpheus Per
sonally I llave derived great benefit
from reading a page of HERBERT SPENCER
then a page of Mrs. Beeton's Cookeru
Book, then a page of Bmdshaw, and so
on da capo. Alternate sips of barley-
water and brandy work marvels with
some constitutions, while the excess of
blood may be taken from the feet to the
brain by filling a hot-water bottle with
ice and placing a mustard plaster on the
temples. A similar residt can also be
produced by filling the mouth with
capsicums, stinging nettles or red pepper
A jellyfish has in it a certain invigorat-
ing quality ; so, I believe, has the sea-
nrchm. Some prefer such things raw •
others like them curried. Here is a
recipe that might be good for most
people, but if anyone feels that it would
be improved by the presence of an onion,
he can easily add it : —
"Cut off the heads of half a dozen
Tandstickor matches, place them in a pan
with a solution of oil of nitro-glycerine,
stir slowly for half an hour over a slow
fire, and take what is left to bed."
Another excellent recipe is the patent
Kansas folding-up bedstead, which can
be set by clockwork to engulf the weary
traveller at any specified time. This
may be combined with a broken Venetian
blind with an arc-light outside, and an
alarum bell over the bed which signals
the arrival of all trains on the Tube and
the Inner Circle railway. A hot-water
pipe with a hiccough can also be recom-
mended, and by a judicious use of Welsh
rarebit, Scotch ale and black coffee,
alertness and vivacity may be secured
from the most trypanosomatous subject.
PAWLOW recommends early rising.
Many people have told me with tears
in their eyes that the only effective cure
^-^|^^Wl|l
A TELEPHONIC DANGER.
Paterfamilias (icho has just rung up the call-office, anil ha* his attention ilictiisj by hit llule \
daughter). "Hcu.o, DEAR, cojireo TO KISS ME OOOO-NIOHT ? "
Voice of female Telf/Jionc Clerk (severely). "I BEO TOUR
' »y%w MUBh C/IAO V^ll-ljt OUCUUTQ V;U1C I -
for oversleeping oneself is to get up at turn your attention from the worldly
6 A.M. or even sooner. In the words of interests of the petty self to the eterna
the great Hibernian philosopher, " the verities of the Kinetic and Cosmic whole
only way to prevent what is past is to Then, even if wakefulness does no
ensue, at any rate the activity of the
mind is doing you almost, if not quite
as much good as if you were suffering
put a stop to it before it happens."
THE SELFISHNESS OF SLEEP.
T> I I ilH lllUfil gVAJU i*3 'I >
But the art of experrection or wake- from chronic insomnia',
lulness is not solely to be cultivated by
attention to physical means. It depends i r<vrn<
largely on the promotion of an altruistic >
mentality. Thus one writer, HUDSOX
A REPORT.
PERSOXALLY, this present laiid<it(rr tern-
-" vj . j. jiuo ^nt *v i uti . j.j.C'iA3V/-> f -L I>U.:TW_I*.-II.I.» , t*-
JAY, says that the suggestion of vigilance j)oris Cliristmassi cannot give evidence
for others, the imagination and realisa- as to the "go" that there may be in
tion of others as alert and wakeful, is the CALEY'S Christmas Crackers, samples of
best and sweetest way of securing that which have been forwarded to the
condition for yourself. Baron's Special Packet Office, but the
Sleep, in conclusion, is bound up with P.L.T.C., with his hand upon his heart,
selfishness. What you need to do is to (can affirm that he lias seldom seen
more seasonably decorative article*
ChristiiMS ilinuiT talilc tlun i
or Swivt I Va ( 'nickon, and the V.M '
Valse Minuet-Musical Crackers. Then,
foraftcr-diuner amusement, there an- the
Old llachclora' Quaint Cosaques, with the
Magic ( 'arp and the Submarine Motoring
crackers. Such are the principal, nmi if
ever crackers do go off with Mat, those
most certainly should do BO. ABB popu-
lar composer, Hi vuv KY««n.i., used toning.
' Gaily goes the ship when the wild blow-
so our Pre-Chri.-tmas P.irodi.st, with this
set of crockery Ix-forr- him, would suggest
in amendment in this form,
CALET docs U> trick for the Chrntma spn*.
\nd no doubt dMMendnnwfll a<
great pop-ahlity.
368
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 23, 1904.
A MIXED DAY AT DUFFERTON.
(With acltnoidedgments to " Country
Life:')
ALTHOUGH there are of course many
bigger shoots in England, and though
the head of game may be larger upon
some of the better -known Norfolk
pheasant preserves or Yorkshire Grouse
Moors, yet for an exciting day's sport it
would "be difficult to beat Dufferton
Hall, the princely seat of Sir THOMAS
MISSINGHAM. Situated within a few
miles of the town of Smokeborough, of
whose grocery trade Sir THOMAS was in
his early days so conspicuous an orna-
ment, the estate is not one which an
observer would select at first sight as
specially adapted for sporting purposes.
But perseverance will work wonders
with the most unpromising material, and
Sir THOMAS, who held, it will be remem-
bered, the proud position of Mayor of
his native town in the Jubilee year of
1887, is a sportsman to the backbone.
The fortunate coincidence that most of
the neighbouring landowners breed and
rear pheasants has enabled him, by a
careful and consistent distribution of
Indian corn throughout his own coverts,
to attract a fair number of birds. Nor
is this all : for the motto of the Squire
(as with a genuine old English senti-
ment he loves to be called) is Blaze
away. He tells his guests that he likes
to hear plenty of banging, and humor-
ously adds that if you let off your gun
often enough you must hit something
sometimes. These theories, though in
practice they have earned some unpopii-
larity among Accident Insurance offices,
render a blank day at Dufferton an
event of the rarest occurrence.
Upon the occasion when I was privi-
leged to be present we were promised
a mixed day, and this promise was ful-
filled to the letter. Seldom have I seen
so much shooting. One's attention was
on the alert the whole time, and there
was hardly a dull moment, for one never
knew who might be firing or, it may be
added, what he might be firing at.
Where there were trees handy one in-
stinctively took cover, and in the open
did the best possible with a turned-up
collar and averted eyes. Old cam-
paigners declare that a day at Dufferton
reminds them of the South African war,
so full of incident is it likely to prove.
The guns upon this particular day
were Count LUSOFF, Captain FDLLCOCK,
Mr. PEPPER, the eminent authority upon
gun-shot wounds, Professor BLIND, of Sel-
kirk University, and the Squire himself.
The weather was perfection when the
presence of three motor-cars at the door
(for Sir THOMAS is no bigoted opponent
of new ideas) announced that the
moment — 11.30 A.M. — had arrived for
making a start. We did a capital
non-stop run in the new 80-h.p. Mercedes
to the field where shooting was ap-
pointed to begin — a distance of about
a mile and a quarter away — and lost no
time in getting to work. The day's
arrangements were mapped out with the
utmost care and precision, and every-
thing went like clockwork. Proceedings
were opened in a turnip-field on the
edge of the estate in order if possible to
drive in any outlying pheasants to the
Dufferton coverts. For it is a maxim
of the Squire's that your neighbour's
pheasants are quite as good to eat as
your own, and not necessarily harder to
hit. Orders were issued to walk the
turnips as quietly as possible, an in-
junction that cannot be too carefully
followed in approaching birds. Here
the result was not as successful as had
been anticipated, and in fact nothing
was actually secured. A diversion was
caused by an amusing episode. Professor
BLIND fired at a thrush in mistake for a
partridge, the resemblance between the
two birds being, as all observers of
nature are aware, very close. However,
as he did not hit it no harm was done.
The next rendezvous was the well-
known Larch Plantation, and here again
there was a somewhat disappointing
show of game. Four hens flying low
came out together, and, on rising from
the ground, I was informed by an eye-
witness more enterprising than myself
that the Squire had cleverly grassed his
bird, or thought that he had. There is
nothing in field sports prettier than to
see a good retriever working, and this
sight was one which the next thirty-five
minutes gave us an opportunity of
witnessing. Ponto, a fine specimen of
the famous Dufferton breed of retrievers,
crossed with a judicious strain of bull-
terrier, quartered the difficult ground in
the most irreproachable style. His
sagacity was well shown by the clever
way in which he took an early oppor-
tunity of renouncing the search for the
bird, which had doubtless after all
escaped unscathed, and devoted his
energies, in the recesses of a covert, to
the qxiiet consumption of a dead rabbit
carelessly left over from the previous
week's pick-up.
At the next stand, at the corner of the
Hailstorm Plantation, as it is quaintly
named, I was enabled to notice the
ingenious arrangement of shelters made
of bullet-proof steel — an adjunct to
covert-shooting which would doubtless
be welcome at many warm corners,
and at Dufferton is certainly invalu-
able. One naturally felt a good deal
more comfortable when ensconced behind
these defences, in which small peepholes,
conveniently pierced, allowed ample
opportunity of witnessing what was
going on. At this plantation there was
a fine display of game. I counted no
fewer than five pheasants, which ran oiit
at the same time from beneath the wire
fence, only to be driven back into covert
by a furious fusillade. One splendid
cock, rash enough to perch for a few
minutes on a post in front of Mr. PEPPER'S
butt, had an uncommonly narrow escape
of its life. Mr. PEPPER, who was shoot-
ing as usual with three guns, got in his
six barrels with surprising rapidity
before the pheasant rose with a crow of
defiance and sailed majestically away.
Quicker shooting I have seldom seen,
and a suggestion of Captain FULLCOCK'S
that Mr. PEPPED should upon the next
chance of the kind try what could be
done with the butt end of his weapon,
though it was received with the utmost
good humour, did not strike me as being
in the best of taste. Shooting would
indeed be a dull pastime if every shot told.
It was here, if I remember right, that,
upon a shout of "Woodcock forward,"
Professor BLIND gathered an owl in clever
style, and a beautiful shot of Count
LUSOFF'S removed an underkeeper's cap
without in the slightest degree injuring
the man. In walking across some wide
grass fields a rabbit, trodden upon by
one of the beaters, was added to the bag.
Luncheon, by no means the least
enjoyable part of the day's business,
occupied us pleasantly for the next hour
and tliree quarters. The Squire is no
advocate of a Spartan asceticism in these
details, and to appetites sharpened by
keen air and exercise the profusion of
delicacies displayed could not fail to be
acceptable.
A move was at length made to Puffing-
ton Belts, where the fun was again fast
and furious. The birds were brought
up to the guns in most satisfactory
Eashion ; so near in fact were they
brought that, in more than one instance,
death was inevitable. Count LUSOFF
was in his best form here, and at the
nd of the beat two pheasants, a hare, a
cat, a jay and the gardener's boy, who
tiad been pressed into service as a stop,
were lying more or less severely injured
in the neighbourhood of his stand. Not
a bad record this for one covert. The
game-cart, which by a patent device of
the Squire's is fitted out as an ambulance
wagon, was literally groaning as we
turned for home.
Of course it is not possible to conduct
every shooting upon the same scale as
Dufferton, where everything is arranged
regardless of cost. As an instance I
may mention that the terms asked by
beaters are excessively high, while the
loaders, who are usually immarried
men, require a most handsome fee paid
in advance. And this despite the fact
that either position confers upon ita
occupant a reputation, sometimes pos-
thumous, for considerable personal cou-
rage. As exemplifying the scarcity of
NOVEMBER 23, 190-1]
PUNCH, OR TJ1K LONDON CHARIVARI
rural labour these difficulties are not
without interest. At Dufferton, so Sir
THOMAS informed me, labour is per-
ceptibly scarcer after one of his big
days, and I saw no reason to doubt
this statement.
[The pliotographs accompanyiwj tlila
article, entitled " A warm corner," " The
Professor startles a rabbit" " Count
LUSOFF tickles up a beater" " Down (lie
Line — Captain FULLCOCK busy," " Trac-
tion Engine bringing lunch," &c. &«.,
were ruined by an unlucky m'whap to
the plates, and we are consequently
unable to reproduce them.]
MY MOTOR CAP.
[Motor-caps, we are informed, have created
such a vogue in the Provinces, that ladies,
women and factory girls may be seen wearing
them on every occasion, though unconnected,
in other respects, with modern methods of
loco'motion.]
A MOTOR car I shall never afford
With a gay vermilion bonnet,
Of course I might happen to marry a lord,
But it's no good counting on it.
I have never reclined on the seat behind,
And hurtled across the map,
But my days are blest with a mind at
rest,
For I wear a motor cap.
I've done with Gainsborough, straw and
toque,
My dresses are bound with leather,
I turn up my collar like auto-folk,
And stride through the pitiless weather;
With a pound of scrag in an old string
bag,
In a tram with a child on my lap,
Wherever I go, to a shop or a show,
I wear a motor cap.
I don't know a silencer from a clutch,
A sparking-plug from a bearing,
But no one, I think, is in closer touch
With the caps the women are wearing ;
I 'm au fait with the trim of the tailor-
made briin,
The crown and machine-stitched strap ;
Though I've neither the motor, the
sable-lined coat, or
The goggles— I wear the cap.
Saltus Humaniores.
THE Glasgow Herald announces that
the Royal Humane Society have awarded
a testimonial to JAMES PATTERSON "for
jumping into Loch Lomond from Arro-
char Pier and saving a youth." But
surely a mere Testimonial is an inade-
quate recognition of so stupendous a
feat. Arrochar Pier is on Loch Long,
and the distance covered in this record-
breaking leap could not be less than two
miles (as the crow jumps) over land, to
say nothing of the water.
THE DOG!
(A Romance of Real Life.)
BREED OF BUCK OE CHINESE PUOS?"
BEFORE THE BATTLE.
FHIEXDS !— here are we, and yonder is
our goal.
And he who loves his life
Had better shirk the strife ;
This is no business for a cowai
Let him who would preserve or life>
limb
Go get him to the rear :
We do not want him here,
And Glory hath no laurel crown*
The hour approaches. Who hath child
or wife
Had beet forget them now,
Lost Death should show him how
The price of Victory is the soldier's lif.-.
Hark ! even now the distant thunders
rise
Of many a chariot wheel !
Death ! The prim joy I feel
To see the blood-lust flaming in your
Charge! wherethebuttlc..Yrthetrampled
slain
' Shall rage around those c..
And he may thank his stars
Who gets a scat upon the morning tram
370
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARlT [NOVEMBER 23, 1904.
A PARTHIAN SHOT.
Hansom Calibij. "GAiuU . YOU'RE LIKE A NOVEMBER DAT, SHORT, DARK, AND DIRTY!
PAROCHIAL SPICK.
THE Slumbcrleigh Parish Magazine,
conducted by the Rev. THEOPHILCS
SHEPHERD (Vicar), is more than usually
interesting this month : —
EDITORIAL CHAT.
Acting, my friends, on the advice of the
Bishop of STEPNEY, given at the conference
of the Church of England Men's Society,
to the effect that " The parish Magazines
which are now in circulation would be
much more acceptable if they had a
little more spice in them" — acting, 1 say,
on this advice, I shall for the future
make a conscientious endeavour to
impart to our little Magazine, and to our
parish life in general, that modicum of
raciness which up to now has, perhaps,
been lacking in bath.
•:s #
•:;:•
Next month we shall start several new
feature's. Our serial, Mrs. Washington's
Niese, will be discontinued. In its
place I have arranged to run Tom Jones,
with illustrations by Messrs. DUDLEY
HARDY and S. H. SIME.
Very racy indeed will be " Mems. from
the Mothers' Meetings," by PEEPING
TOM.
I shall myself conduct a spicy little
column entitled " Sparklets."
0 *
*
A brighter tone will, for the future,
be imparted to our Penny Readings.
At the Friday gathering Mrs. SHEPHERD,
Sen., in the place of her usual " Read-
ings from CHARLOTTE M. YO\OE," will
substitute recitations from the works of
Mr. Doss CIIIDDERDOSS.
*...*
Miss SHEPHERD'S harmonium recitals
will include "Pop goes the Weasel" and
"Bm Bailey."
I myself shall render two rather
tricky songs :
(a) " This little lot is up to me, boys."
(V) "There will be a hoi time in the
old town to-nii/ltt.''
V
Our magic lantern show will be dis-
continued. Instead I am arranging for
a racy little cinematograph series, illus-
trating the Four Higgled.}- - Piggledj
Girls in their contortionist dance at tht
Empire music-hall.
V
How did Mr. BH-WN get that dent ir
his new hat ? Anything to do with his
coming home by the last train from
town on Saturday ? Ahem !
* *
Why is our senior curate's future
(who "said Miss SM-TII?) certain o:
caresses? — Because she will get HUGGINS
(I do hope that is perfectly plain. Mr
HUGGINS — huggings ; to hug, to em-
brace.) e. .:S
V
What was that scuffling on the baclv
benches during my lecture on Fossils last
Wednesday? Ah, I saw you ! Ahem !
iffl
MANGLED REMAINS.
EXTRACT FROM THE RECESS DIABY OF TOBY, M.P
_ BEEN reading Fifty Years of '
Street, just issued by MACMILLAN. Pur
ports to be the "Life and llecollections
Btt JOHN ROBINSON," the man who
made, and for a quarter of a century
maintained at high level, the Dail,,
New. The story is written by Mr F
M. THOMAS, who has added a new terror
to death. There are biographies of
sorts, ranging in value with the
personality of the subject and the skill
of the compiler. The former occasionally
offers from the incapacity of the latter.
rJut at least his individuality is scrupu-
lously observed. Like DON Jos£, what
he has said he has said, his observations
and written memoranda not being mixed
up with what his biographer thinks he
himself thought, uttered and recorded.
Mr. THOMAS _goes about the biogra-
pher's business in fresh fashion, com-
placently announced by way of intro-
duction to the volume. "I have no
thought it necessary or desirable," h
writes, "to indicate in all cases wha
is his (Sir JOHN ROBINSON'S) and what is
my own. If there is anything amusing
or entertaining in these pages, I am
quite content that my dear old Chief
should have the credit of it. The dul-
ness I take upon myself."
Here be generosity! Here magna-
nimity ! It is true that in the perform-
ance of his task Mr. THOMAS occasionally
falls from this high estate. More than
once he airily alludes to "our diary"
and "our notes," as if he had prepared
them in collaboration with his chief.
Possibly conscious for a moment of this
indiscretion, and reverting to more
generous mood, he, approaching a
particular narrative, introduces it with
the remark, " The incident may be given
in the diarist's own words."
That procedure is, perhaps, not unusual
with earlier biographers. With Mi-.
THOM AS the lapse is rare. When he does
let the hapless subject speak for himself
he is relegated to small type. For the
rest, it is Mr. THOMAS who loquitur
re-telling poor ROBINSON'S cherishec
stories as if they were his own, some
times with heavy hand brushing off the
bloom. Even in these depressing cir-
cumstances there is no mistaking ROBIN-
SON'S sly humour, his gift of graphic
characterisation. The worst of it is that,
happening in the very same page upon
some banal remark, some pompous
platitude, the alarmed reader, recognisjng
Mr. THOMAS, hastily turns over half-
a-dozen pages, and possibly misses a
handful of the genuine ore.
These are hard lines, unjust to ROBIN-
SON, unfair to the public. It is plain to
THE NOBLE ART OF VENERIE.
Shm-t-sighted Sportsman (on Brighton hireling, enrrgrtirallti hiintlna raWtf) "Hell roc
HnrraKAM! TALLT-UO! TtuHoP1 (.« /,',,.
see, from the few
from ROBINSON'S
immutilated extracts
manuscript which
illuminate the book, that the materials an eye witness and people he liad
at hand for a delightful biography were
abundant. For nearly forty years the
Manager of the Daily News lived in the
- .
and known." Where is this tmisurp-
triivcV Presumably jx.r bio-
grapher was good enough to regard as
worth adapting nre filtered through the
wordy -j.ajjes i. f larger type.
Happily lli.- material is to
very heart of things. He was behind
most scenes of public life, was more or !•--
intimately acquainted with the principal ,,.,r,Mi., i,,,- man-run la BU guou, iia
personages figuring in it. His sympathies original Literary form so excellent, that
were bountifully wide; hi* observation even this anptnBaled annot
alert; his sense of humour keen. He quite spoil th<> Ixok. \Ve who knew
loved his newspaper work with almost Komv-os on liis throne in II
passionate affection. For him fifty years of Street, and at the wrll-kn-m
Fleet Street were worth a cycle of Catliay. the dining room of tli. ('lul>,
That he habitually made notes of what rich in remlWtions of WUJHM I
lie saw and heard with the view to PAVX and SAI.\ : who watchi-d I,
publication
undoubted.
II
the
in biographical form, is joying himself like a l»>y at th.-atrv first
Mr. THOMAS, impregnable nights; who recognised his ran
— ' man ' '
. . ., i |
u me chain annour of complacency, city as a new^paix-r man; who knew
>ositively admits it. ROBISSOX, he says, the kind heart hidden U-liind a
'did leave some diaries" — " our diaries " i ously cultured severity of manner in
— "more or less fragmentary, and a l>u.siu<>ssrclati< rli.ipsjealouslr,
lumber of thick closely written volumes cherish his memory, and regret the sur-
f jottings in his own handwriting,
,
escripti ve of events of which he had been this slight upon it
,
chaniv that has made possible
374
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 23, 1901.
MY FIRST PUNCH AND JUDY SHOW.
From a rare old Early Victorian MS. periodical, cire. A.D.
1856-7, entitled "The Nursry Ni(se," and apparently
edited by a certain Master WILLTE T. S*000, aged 7£.
I HAVE seen a Punch and Judy at last ! I have always
been afrade to stop and look at one before, for fear I might
see something impropper. Now that I have done so, I will
tell you exaldy what it was like.
The show had four poles cuvered with a sort of check stuff.
Inside was a man, at least I could only see his boots. High
up there was an open part, with a shelf or ledje on which
the acting takes place. At the back of this was the seenery.
In front a man stood, blowing a tune down a kind of small
orgin that was stuck inside his cumforter. He also played
upon a drumb, but not well.
The cost of the entertanement for one was just whatever
you plesed. I was in the senter of the front row, but what
I saw disgusted me so that when the lady came round with
the shell after it was all over I Imrriedly quited the place !
The wurst of it was it did make me lauf !
Yes, I laufed hartily, as I supose the Little Dog (not the one
in the show, which semed a well-behaved and serins minimal —
but the Little Dog in the potry of " Highdiddlediddle ")
laufed when he saw the Dish running away with the Spoon !
Which of course was very rong of the Little Dog, because
it was no laufing mater, but what is called a soshal seandle.
But it was most yumilliating to be made to lauf at such a
digrading spektacle as this show. It is a piffonnence that
cannot help slicking any little boy who has been propperly
brought up. It shoked me dredfuly.
For the charikters — all excep Mrs. Punch, and the Bedle,
and Mr. Ketcli, and the little dog — are abbonmibly frivelous
in their conduck, and only a lot of dolls gordily drest up to
look like real peple — and horidly norty peple, too !
The diallog may be very briliant but I could not make out
much of it, except that the principle charikter was always
saying, " Ohdearohdearwhatapityrootitoot ! " which, as I do
not know what it menes, I grately fear must be a very rude
expresion, if not a downrite swareword.
Yet I laufed. And now I feel as if I had laufed when my
Unkle TOMMAS sat down where there was no chare !
For what is the story about? A misrable being with
a big hump on his back, but welthy in the goods of this
wurld, being able to aford a dog, has marrid a silly-looking
doll in femail aparil, whom it woidd be allmost a profination
to term his wife.
Heaven, it semes, has blest their union with a little baby, and
jest because it refuses to smile at his silly aunties, he herls it out
of the window, and when its mother is naclmdy anoyed, he
wacks her over the head with a big cudgle until she is no more !
If I beheld my own dere Papa misconducting himself in
such a maner, should I regard it as a fit subject for meri-
ment? Certinly not.
Well, next one of this abandund creacher's friends after
the other comes in and reproches him for his goings on —
but all his anser is to hit them with his cudgle and kill them.
His best friend semes to be more or less of a convenshnal
clown in one of those worldly cirkises or Pantimimes which
I have not yet seen and ernestly trust I never may. *
He collers the cudgle now and then and hits Punch back,
but is soon suckumbed. At last Punch's own dog Tobey
will not asoshiate with him any more, but he is too hartless
to mind, and even the apearance of his wife's gost produses
no simtums of ripentence !
At the end he has merderd everybody he comes across in
their own cold blood! — even Mr. Ketch, who arives to
execute him, but, by a menc and most diegraseful trick, is
indused to stick his head through the fatle nuse and be
hanged insted of Punch !
So this great painted bulley is left chukling over the fact
Lhat he has suxesfuly cheted justise.
That is the story. Even as I laufed I could not help
asking myself what my favrit charikters, Mister Barlow or
Mister Fail-child, would have said of this show.
I am quite shore it would have shoked them both very
much, if only because there was so much fighting all thro it,
and because, altho there was a jibbet, it was the rong person
who got hung on it.
I persume this is suposed to hold the miror up to life.
Grownups may be stupid and wikked, but I do not beleive
they are quite so bad as this difformed bufoon with the
squeky voice.
If they are, then surely onley a fi-'niil would sniger at such
a piffonnence !
At the time I thought it was all sorcmingly funy, and I
scremed like everybody else did.
But afterwards, thinking it over, I saw what a bad exam pel
it is bound to set to all who behold it.
Still they were so abscrdly unlike rele persons, I laufed at
them without thinking. It was only after I had had my tea
that I sudenly saw how shameless it all was. So, to show
how sory I am that I should have been made, to lauf at such
an exibishuri, I have writen this all out before retiring to rest.
The gentleman who belonged to the boots I saw inside
the show may be a very clever man, but it would serve him
only rite if all his charikters could be taken away from him
and put in the fire.
I trust none of my yuthful reders will ever patternise such
an infimus entertanement as this.
Next week I am going to see a Marryanet show, which I
am told is even more shoking, and which I hope to give a
fatheful acount of in a futuer number. F. A.
TO MY SENSE OF HUMOUR.
IN DIFFICULTIES.
COME not, as thou dost ever love to come,
Making a scandal of thy " saving grace,"
When awed hilarity must needs be dumb,
And all save rigid equilibrium
Is wholly out of plaf-e ;
Flash no delirious humours through my brain
What time I patronise the public air ;
Let me not look an idiot in the train,
Nor mock the echoes of the sacred fane ;
There is no profit there !
Ah, come not thus. But come, when Hope is thrown
Out of his stride in Life's long Handicap ;
When I am all deserted and alone,
And to the deaf gods make most bitter moan
That no one loves a chap ;
When my most cherished schemes have ganged agley
When I am crushed in person, purse, or pride,
With none to succour, none to hear my plea,
Come, Sense of Humour, come, and make me see
Things from their comic side !
Come then ! Come now! And we will so distort
The sharp-scribed lineaments of my distress,
That we may cut her sorry triumph short,
And make a kind of wild, sardonic sport
Of her unlovelincss.
Not much I ask ; enough that thou beguilo
One paltry hour. Poor devil that I am,
I do but seek to sneer at Life awhile ;
To jeer at Love ; and, with a ghastly smile.
Say I don't carc'a --
DuM-DuM.
NOVEMBER 23, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR TIIH LONDON rn\i:iY.\m
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376
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 23, 1904.
EARTHQUAKES IN WELLINGTON STREET.
From the " Daily Mail," March 26, 1905.
NEW YOEK, March
information received
gram this morning,
25. — According to
n a London tele-
the Spectator has
From the " Daily Chronicle," April 7.
It is officially announced that Sir
ERNEST CASSEL has been appointed Editor
of the Spectator. In evidence of the
the methods of the paper of which I
have obtained control. If any guarantee
were required beyond such a statement,
it may surely be supplied by the fact
proprietor's firm resolve not to interfere that Mr. STRACHEY, so long and honour-
abl
i just
connected with the Spectator, lias
signed a contract to continue as
the to t r and H of tLe
it be mentioncd that a long
been purchased on behalf of the German i engagement ilas been cntcred into with Editor of t]ie canine and feline amenitieg
; Mr. STHACHET, who will continue to edit which have lent the paper its most dis-
the Cat and Dog column with increased tinctive character; that Mr. F. T. BULLEN
price for which the transfer was effected
is said to have been £1,000,000. — Laffan.
From the " Spectator," April 1.
Mr. EUGEN SANEOW/JOS acquired posses-
sion of the " Spectator."
No change in the policy of the paper is
contemplated, and Mr. SAXLOW desires to
give an emphatic contradiction to the
report that he lias acted in this matter on
behalf of the German EMPEROR or any
other potentate except himself.
From the "Guardian," April 5.
The proprietors of the Guardian wish
to state that there is no founda- -
tion whatever for the statement |
that Mr. EUGEN SANDOW has
purchased the Guardian on
behalf of the Wee Free Kirk.
From the "British Wcehly,"
April G.
I sincerely congratulate my
friend Mr. EUGEN SANDOW on
having acquired possession
of the Spectator. Since the
death of my most distin-
guished protege, R. H. HUTTON,
in 1897, the Spectator, which
once stood for the highest
and most intellectual tradi-
tions of British journalism,
had fallen on evil days, and latterly
seemed powerless to move with the
times. The "live" personal note was
painfully lacking, no notice was taken
of the spiritualising influence of the
Kailyard school on the music-halls,
literary gossip was tabooed, and pictures
of revolving bookcases and other in-
dispensable literary vade meca were con-
spicuously absent from its advertisement
columns. Now, under the stimulating
influence of Mr. SANDOW, the Spectator is
sure to take on a new lease of life. On
the subject of passive resistance I fear
that Mr. SANDOW and I do not see quite
eye to eye. None the less I am confi-
dent that he will do much to restore the
faded glories of the Spectator. Mr.
SANDOW, I understand, has behaved with
extraordinary consideration to the old
staff, all of whom he has presented with
green waistcoats with onyx buttons, and
is retaining the services of Mr. STitACHEY
to edit the Rifle Club column at a
princely salary. The price given for
the paper, however, has been somewhat
exaggerated. £900,000 would be nearer
the mark. CLAUDIUS CLEAR.
IN ! '
responsibility for that important depart- has promised his continued support in
ment. The services of Mr. FRANK T. BULLEN the cetacean department, and that the
have also been retained as chief Balseno-' reminiscences of the Hon. LIONEL TOLLE-
grapher, while Mr. LIONEL TOIXEMACHE MACHE will remain a regular feature in
will continue as heretofore to be responsi- the correspondence column,
ble for topical reminiscences of famous Adverse criticism has been directed
old Harrovians and graduates of Balliol. against my assumption of the reins of
We understand that Mr. HILAIRE ! office on the score of my having given
BELLOC has joined the staff as chief public exhibitions of physical strength —
military expert, and that promises of in particular my having lifted a grand
regular contributions have been received piano with forty men- seated on it — and
from Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, Lord ROSEBEKY, of being only twenty-eight years of age.
Professor HEWINS, Cardinal RAJJFOLLA, ; But I have yet to learn that either
and Sir H. H. HOWORTH. ' delicacy or senility is a sine qua non in
a newspaper proprietor, or
that there is any greater dis-
credit in lifting a piano than
in lifting a cup.
HochachtangBvoIl,
EUGEN SANDOW.
From the " Sunday Special,"
April 9.
We must congratulate our
enterprising contemporary the
Spectator on the splendid show
it makes under the new
management of Mr. EUGEN
S \NIHJW. While the tone and
temper of the paper remain
unaltered, an up-to-date alert-
ness now inspires every de-
In the current issue the
Editor's eloge of Count VON
admirably done, while Mr.
EXTRAORDINARY INSTANCE OF ANIMAL INTELLIGENCE.
Mrs. Ilevhcayte. " I DO BELIEVE THE LITTLE DARLING KNOWS 1 'M GETTIN:
From the " Daily Express," April 8.
DEAR SIR, — In view of the unfair and
misleading references to the results of
my assuming control of the Spectator
which have appeared in your columns
and elsewhere, I confidently appeal to
your notorious sense of fairness to publish
the following reply.
Commenting on the change of hands
you observe :
" Cordially admiring as we do Mr. SANDOW'S
many robust and noble qualities, we cannot
but regret the extinction of the only organ
which represented in the weekly press the
well-grounded distrust felt by all patriotic
Imperialists toward Germany as the agent provo-
cateur of Europe."
I note also that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL,
speaking at Chowbent on the 3rd inst,
partment.
incoming
BULOW is
HAROLD BEGBIE'S masterly exposition of
the essential identity of Free Trade and
Protection will convince the most hide-
bound Free-fooder. Finally the " special
prose " study of " Green Waistcoats in
War," by our esteemed compatriot Mr.
BELLOC, is intensely poignant. Alto-
gether the new issue is a most stimulat-
ing blend of dignity and impudence.
NOTE FOR SOLICITORS AND OTHERS. —
Zutka, of the Hippodrome, must never
be called as a witness in any case where
his evidence would be of vital import-
ance, as he won't bear searching exami-
did not scruple to say that the muzzling \ nation, and is so very easily doubled up
of honest British pens by a great Conti-
nental combine which they had witnessed
in the case of the Spectator was the
worst blow that had befallen the country
since the black week of Colenso.
To this I may be permitted to answer
first of all that nothing is further from
me than any intention to revolutionise
in the box.
IT is stated that the license of the Auto-
matic Refreshment Supply Company (now
in liquidation) is to be assigned to "Little
Mary, Limited." But why " Limited ? "
This error of judgment is sure to put off
a great many possible clients.
INCH, OR TIIK LONDON ( IIAUIVAHI.
A FOOTBALL MATCH.
(From an Old Print.)
SAN CARLISTS AT COVENT GARDEN.
particulars were given last week) is not sufficiently attractive,
even though Madame ( iuniErri lx> a delightful Adriana, and
Monday, Noi-ember 14. — Perhaps dread of fog kept the Mile. DECisxKROsas/xifViiiivMii with Signor AVOEUXI FotNAii
Box-folk from coming to see and hear La Tosca, which offered , as H Principe di Buuillnn, l*>tli do their best as Bouillon* to
the attraction of Madame GIACHETTI in the title rule, Signer j keep the potage a-boiling. The whole perfonnanoe was
AXSELMI as the unhappy Mario Cavaradossi, and Signor certainly worthy of far hotter support than appeared in
ANCONA as II Baronc Scarpia. Always regretting that PICCIXI evidence.
had not selected some other subject, a story not a play, on
which to exercise his power as a composer, one must admit
that he has made excellent use of the materials at hand, and
that it would be difficult to find better interpreters of his
work, both musically and dramatically, than the three princi-
pals above-mentioned. Signor CAMPANIM was in the conductor'*
chair, and the performance in every way, vocally and orches-
trally, was most satisfactory.
Tuesday. — M. MAUREL, playing Rigoletto to a well-filled
house, provoked extraordinary enthusiasm. Miss ALICE
NIELSEN, as Gilda, sang like a bird ; not a nightingale, but
some other kind of bird more detached in the matter of
sentiment. Signor AXSELMI, in the part of II Duca, went
through his arias correctly enough, but was not perhaps
quite adequately licentious in his methods; he seemed to
lack something' of the perfect ducal libertine. The chorus
was admirably workmanlike in their regard both for the time
and the spirit of the music.
Wednesday.— A. good performance of Faust to a good
full, boxes nearly so, and t'other parts
as well filled as were the parts in the
always popular opera. Madame WAVDA as Marguerite, and
Signor DAXI as Faust generally satisfactory, but here and ^"".l,n"
there a trifle weak, perhaps owing to London fog, but " for a
that an' u' that" an enthusiastic call at the end of the third
Act brought on Marguerite and her Faimt, IfqAtatqM
ARIMONDI and Valentin-Asms*, four times before the curtain.
AN OFFICIAL EXTEMPOKK RHYMESTER.
LORD MILKER, in the course of his speech at Blocmfoi
took a hint from tiila* Wiyj and " dropped int
Hi' i- reported in the Time* as saying: —
" I do not expect nor desire a boom,
But merely that the exee--ive jjloom
Should be cist off " and hen' he chose
To return again to liis favourite pmoe,
Though his rhyme is good as far as it goes.
And his Lordship is to be sine-rely complimented on hi*
new departure, which \ve trust will find many iinitiiUim
who, if they possess Lord MII.VKK'S gift of extemporising, will
enliven their speeches with statements of measures in metre
and adorn diplomacy with dithyrambs.
WILL UK DO WITH IT ? The 1/.I1D ('lIVXTfaAOR ha
j by h i with a new Seal, and has
. allowed to retain the old one. ll i> n..t unlikely thai lii«
:, ' .,,,,1 1/irdship will genf-nm.Iy ,>n>,ent the l:,tt,-r to il»- /
!,„ n,,,l Qatdew wh-r,' it will I- a we|o,m- addition to the
Family.
-,
. -Clear jiight after a foggy day: house l
clear too. Perhaps CILEA'S Adriana Lecauvreur (of wto
The New "Efficiency."
ACCORDING to The t'\r\l\,m "gen.-r.il intellijjrnc.' " is one of
the subj'vts which are in future t.i IN- aobded Irotn the
examination for I-'ir-t c!a« ' Mil. . n ••( l''\
31-TQ
7o
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 23, 1901.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
IT is an old axiom in politics that a nation does not
ike a Coalition Government. It is equally true that,
n spite of HUME and SMOLLETT, ERCKMANX-CHATRIAX and one
two others, the average reader is not attracted by books
Major GRIFFITHS, in his Fifty Years of Public Service
(CASSELL & Co.), has given us a very interesting, and, in parts,
a decidedly entertaining book. The story of the early days of
a man who has subsequently made a career for himself is the
portion of the Major's biography that has the most charm for
the Baron. The Major records SOTHERN'S first appearance at the
vrittcn in collaboration. Objection is the stronger when,
aking up a slim volume like The Affair at the Inn
GAY & BIRD), one finds Mrs. KATE DOUGLAS WIGGIN with no
'ewer than three assistants. The resiilt is more pleasing ! urt(] from Mrs. CHIPPENDALE (Miss SNOWDON), who was in the
.ban the promise. To tell the truth, if my Baronite had cast with SOTIIERN, and, according to her account, at the fall of
catalogue of
the story as
lot been warned off by the circumstantial
uthors, he would have innocently accepted
llaymarkct Theatre as Lord Dundreary, as a success; and
tells how Manager BUCKSTOKE congratulated SOTIIERN at the
wing. But the Baron remembers quite another tale, which he
the curtain everyone sneaked off the stage to the dressing-
rooms, not one caring to face the debutant or even to pretend
lie unaided work of his early favourite, author of Timothy's j to congratulate him. SOTIIERN, upset, had made up his mind
Quest. MARY FINDLATER, JANE FINDLATER, and eke ALLAN j to return to America, when, before the expiration of the third
are not severally or collectively the rose. But they
lived near it. Miss MARY FINPLATER'S contribution,
lave lived near
dealing with old hypochondriacal Mrs. Macgill of Tun-
)ridge Wells, is in its way as good as anything in the
:ongeries. Mrs. WIGGIN is responsible for the pretty,
sprightly American girl on a visit to Devonshire. Another
amusing character is Sir Archibald Mackenzie, a pragmatical [capital reading.
Scotch Baronet, who detests women, and in the last chapter
week, business improved, the humour of Dundreary began to
attract the town, and, in a short time, the success was enor-
mous. To return to our Major premiss, one of his host prison
scenes is where lie himself is the culprit up before Mr. Secre-
tary CROSS. The Major's experiences in the Crimea and his
incidental stories during his Ulysses-like wanderings are
s found on his knees imploring Virginia Pomeroy of Rich-
mond, Virginia, U.S.A., to many. Decidedly a diverting book.
TJw Prodigal Son, by HALL CAINE (HEINEMANN), is decidedly
powerful novel. Its commencement is as bright and
full of colour as the first scene of a good comic opera, and
;he reader's interest, in the action which is to lead up
gradually to deep tragedy, is at once aroused, nor is it
allowed to drop throughout the story, usque ad finem.
Certainly as a writer CAINE is able. But why does he damage
his work by occasional platitudes, as, for instance, when after
a strong dramatic situation he observes, " None of us can
foresee the future. We must all bow before the Unknown."
Whereupon Mrs. Gamp would have remarked, " There ain't
no denigin' of it, Betsy." The Baron holds that there is a
serious flaw in. Mr. HALL CAINE'S title, which suggests to
everyone who has had a Christian education the parable of
The Prodigal Son. We all know how that spendthrift lived
riotously, went to rack and ruin, and then, on his returning
repentant to his father, was by him received, despite the elder
brother's angry remonstrance, with open arms and open house.
Such is not at all the story of this novel, wherein the younger
son behaves not only as a prodigal but as a thorough scamp,
bringing himself within the pale of the criminal law ; and
when he does return, it is as a millionaire, and after his father's
death.
Sir Charles Wyndham (HCTCHTNSON) is described by its
author as " a biography." It is rather a cabndar of the
comedian's achievements on the stage, filled out to a portly
volume by newspaper clippings, the reproduction of bills of
the plays, and the inordinate attenuation of some familiar
stories. Mr. PEMBERTON is not to blame for this result, except
inasmuch as he was resolved to make a book. Writing
about a still living, strenuously working, public man, it
was perhaps necessary that his scheme and his literary style
should be based upon that indispensable work Who 's Who.
But why in such circumstances try to write a biography ?
What might be done is disclosed within the limits of the first
fifty pages, where the subject of the wordy narrative himself
takes up the pen. It is an auto-biography we want, and Sir
CHARLES WYNDHAM'S too brief essays in that direction show
what is lost if this somewhat tiresome book is to take its
place. The actor writes in the breezy fashion in which he
talks. The contrast is the more cruel for his faithful
biographer when, reversing Fnlstnjf'n haliir. we come upon
the intolerable quantity of half-baked bread that accompanies
the sip of sparkling sack.
He is a bold man who would take up the story of the life
of Sir Roger de Corerley after ADDISON had laid down his
pen. Mr. FRANKFORT MOORE is such, daring comparison in
Sir Roger's Heir (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). Having, pre-
sumably in obedience to the classic injunction, " spent his
nights and days with ADDISON," he comes out of the ordeal
exceedingly well. His presentation of Sir Ifiyrr and his
surroundings in his ancestral home my Baronite finds very
pleasing. The misunderstanding upon which the story
ma inly turns is perhaps a little strained in the direction of
artificiality. When Captain Sentrey, Sir Roger's heir, of late
restored to favour, is confronted by accusation of having
married in the Fleet Prison a girl he never saw or even
lieard of, lie might have done better than " drop into a chair
and sit there with bowed head, his hands clasped before
liim." A few plain words would have disposed of the affair.
But then, where would have been Mr. FRANKFORT MOORE'S
story ? And we should have been sorry to miss it.
Mr. W. A. MACKENZIE is obviously a student in the school
of Sherlock Holmes, and Sir CONAN DOYLE has no occasion to
be ashamed of his disciple. Indeed in The Drexel Dream
(CuATTO AND WtKTXJs) there are some ingenious complication!
and devices which my Baronite ventures to say the Master
will probably wish he had thought of. So abundant are Mr.
MACKENZIE'S resources that in the closing pages, after the
reader has supped excitement through varying devolution oi
detective skill, he suddenly comes upon a climax. This inci-
dent, being wholly unexpected, is probably the most success-
ful of all.
Among " pocket editions " of ShaJtspeare, the Baron
welcomes a set issued from WILLIAM HEINEMANN'F, which
consisting up to the present
time of twenty - five small
volumes, is nearing its comple-
tion. The type is clear, the text
is that of Messrs. MACMILLAN'S
Cambridge Shakspeare, in-
debtedness being duly acknow-
ledged, the "introductions" by
GEORGE BRANDES brief and to the
point. A small side pocket will
not be encumbered by the pre-
sence of one of these little books,
TUE
liAUON
so useful at a Shakspearian
performance.
P.-\V
NOVEMBER 30, 1904.]
PUNCH. OR TIIK LONDON CHAR1VMM.
ON HIS NERVES.
Pariah Doctor (on visit to \V orkhuu.se). " WAST TO LEAVE, DO YOU? WHY '! "
Casual Inmate. " LIVIN'S TOO 'IOH. CAN'T STAND IT. THAID at OETTIN' FATTY 'EABT."
A TEMPEST IN A TEACUP.
LUCKY the author of a rather commonplace play who has
Miss MARIE TEMPEST for his heroine. Never was the assistance
of this sprightly actress more valuable than in the piece by
Mr. COSMO GORDON LENNOX entitled The Freedom of Suzanne,
now being given at the Criterion. By the author's wish, as
evidenced in the playbill, we are to consider this effort as a
" Light Comedy," and all that can help to make it so is done
by Miss TEMPEST as Suzanne Trevor, and, as far as opportunity
is afforded him, by Mr. CHARLES SUDDEN as an old roue.
Mr. ALLAN AYNESWORTH as the wayward Suzanne's somewhat
stodgy husband, Charles Trevor, acquits himself well of the
very difficult task of impersonating an uninteresting variant
of the commonly-sensible type so familiar to playgoers wh
call to mind John Mildmaij, Citizen Sangfroid, and a few
others.
Then we have the mother-in-law, unpleasantly dictate
and odiously interfering. . . well, we know that mother-m-la
and Miss ADA FERRAR succeeds in putting lady LharMte
Trevor on the best possible terms with the audience.
Mr. LENNOX should have introduced into the piece the c
roue Fitzrmi Harding, admirably made up and perf
played for all it is worth, and more, by Mr. CHARLES hi
only to drop him out of it again as soon as possi
matter of sad surprise to all whom the piece in t
interests. By this time no one can have more real caua
regret such treatment of an ancient and ever acceptabJ
than the author.
The dialogue is of the kind of smartness that, w
few, passes for wit, and Fitzroy Harding, after Suzanne, to
a fair share in it. Mr. HALLARD'S performance as
Harry Cecil, the modern Ktage-tyj>e of a gay I»th:>!
excellent, as also is that of the boyish IOVIT. Tommy Krtlon.
played by Mr. A. E. MATTHEWS. The same may IK- xai<l <.f
the ogling lumbago'd old fop (of the h>ni o.//<7,i/ family),
iM-d Datchet, carefully rendered l»y Mr. ll-'i-vvs O.\nk.
Mr TITHERADGE appears as a kind of colourless friend of the
family, and Miss ALICE BEET'S Miss Minching, the eonmBKa,
amusingly recalls some other fharaeU'rs of a similar kiml
with much the same busin
Miss BEATRICE BEOKIJ*, a lady of no pvtkukr nnpoi
is sympathetic as Huumne's attached friend, ami Mi*
SINCLAIR sufficiently indicates tin- muchieTOU kind »f
she is engaged to represent. The charwoman, a
diameter part in the last Act, is wpnhhrriy octal
excellently plaved by Miss ALICE MAN-HI
Had the author only taken trouble to •twngthm
material, and develop his best comedy character
right lines, the piece, though based upon Uie well
theme of Diroreow, ™th such a cast, and with «. hnDknl
and popular a comedienne as MAKIE TEMPEn-. might Lave
achieved a great success and would have secure
long run. But the work is thin, and *!?•»«»«»•
laugh resent the'seriousness of the so-atylfd " light i
which results in'dulnew, and feel grieved
TEMPEST moved to con\-ulsive tears and hysterical
a matter which is of no particular consequence t.
FIRST-CLASS ENTERTAINMENT.— During this wint. r, .-it
opportunitv that may be afforded by the weather „
Snow Balls will be given by tho an-t,.r.,cy ,n !.,«„ nd
-, following the happy initiative of CARU* our fnenc
380
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 30, 190-1.
"DO WE GET OUR DESERTS?"
[The symposium which a contemporary has promoted on the above
topic has caused a great wave of emotion to pass through the English-
speaking world. Mr. Punch has much pleasure in contributing to it,
and ventures to anticipate the views of a variety of distinguished per-
sonages.]
IT is not for me to inquire too closely into the inscrutable
methods of Providence, and in any case it would be contrary
to my known principles with regard to self-advertisement if
I allowed myself to be dragged into this discussion. At the
same time I may perhaps say that though I should have been
inclined to fix my own deserts at seven figures, I regard a
circulation of three-quarters of a million as sufficiently near
the mark. HALL CAINE.
Do I get my deserts ? I guess that is so. ROOSEVELT.
I have not yet taken, by augury, the opinion of the birds
on this enthralling subject, but personally I hardly ever
miss.
I neither have, nor have had, any desire to shackle freedom
of discussion on this or any other topic among my colleagues
in the Government ; but, for myself, I propose to preserve an
Open Mind during the present Parliament, and ultimately-
at some date not yet determined — I shall leave it to the con-
stituencies to decide this momentous question.
A. J. BALFOUB.
I often think we get even more than we deserve. Speaking
loosely — for I write in the middle of a snow-drift, and at
some distance from statistics — I cannot say that it has invari-
ably been the case with me that
" Something attempted, something done,
Has earned a night's repose " ;
yet I never remember to have missed this delightful and
refreshing experience. DEVONSHIRE.
Count no man happy on this point till he has reached his
I.ast Phase ; and even then there may be a fresh edition, a
Positively Last Phase. ROSEBF.RY.
If I can be said to believe anything, I believe that some of
us do get'our deserts. Anyhow, I have had a capital time in
the States'. JOHN MORLEY.
I sometimes feel that I don't deserve all the hard things
that people say of me. I am really quite a nice old gentle-
man. HENRY CAMPBELI.-BANNERMAN.
Let you know more definitely Liter on, when they make up
the Liberal Cabinet. D. LLOYD-GEORGE.
It 's not so much what we get, as the nasty way in which
some of us get it. ANDREA (General),
No ; we ought all to have .£2,500 a year. — G. BERNARD SHAW.
Speaking on behalf of WORDSWORTH, TENNYSON and myself,
I have no hesitation in saying Yes. ALFRED AVSTIK.
The Highest Love asks for No Reward. M. COREI.I.I.
If we do get our deserts, they don't seem to take the form
of quick-firing guns. T. ATKIXS, R.A.
Apparently not. It looks as if the other side got our?, and
we got theirs. UNITED FREE KIRKER.
Finding myself in disagreement with Mr. PEARSON on this
matter, I am turning my solicitor loose on him.
LATE EDITOR OF THE " STANDARD."
Certainly, in the* matter of popular fame, I am quite
satisfied that I have got all I deserved. How different in the
pre-poetic age referred to by HORACE ! WILLIAM BAILEY.
In my case impossible, short of apotheosis.
WILLIAM THE SECOND.
So far, have no complaint to make of Honorable Providence.
TOGO (AdmiralX
Am I going to get my deserts? On my conscience I
sincere! y trust not. RoJDESTvENBKY (Admiral*.
0. S.
MR. PUNCH'S PROVERBIAL PHILOSOPHY.
How much better it is to get wisdom than gold — and how
much easier.
Happy is the man who is admired and praised by his
fellows — for he is dead.
The pure in heart are slow to credit calumnies, but they
sometimes like to hear about them.
A liberal education is considered the best dowry, but
£10,000 a year is still rather liked.
The magic of first love is that it goes so soon and is
remembered so long.
The consciousness of duty performed gives us music at
midnight, and so, also, docs the man who lives next door.
Noscc te ipsum, but don't tell everybody the whole truth
about the thing you know.
If you insist on telling the truth you may probably shame
the devil, but you won't be considered very cheery in Society.
Novelty is an essential attribute of the beautiful— -especially
novelty in hats.
A good reputation is a fair estate, but there are others on
which it is easier to get a mortgage.
Virtue alone is powerful, but in combination with Ameri-
can dollars she is invincible, and can even marry a Duke.
A good life keeps off wrinkles, but a good wrinkle some-
times keeps off a lot of trouble.
Do good and care not to whom — no one will notice it.
A man may be judged by the companies he promotes.
FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
AN account of a wedding in the Tunbrldge Wells Advertiser
of the 18th ult. states that the bride wore a "valuable set
of white firs, the gift of the bridegroom." The happy pair
were evidently Forest Lovers. Perhaps the scribe, in his next
botanical description of a marriage ceremony, will attire the
lady in furze, by way of a change.
PEOPLE talk about letter-writing as a lost art. Yet a corre-
spondent sends us the following communication which she
has received from a candidate for domestic sen-ice :
"DEAR MADAM, — In answer to your advertisement of the
13th inst. as help for Houses work I offer my servises. I am
a Widow without encumbranes and seeking same.
"Yours respfuly."
M
No Infants in Arms Need Apply.
R. BLANK requires an English Butler, over three, with highest
personal recommendation, &c. — The Tablet.
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
-/.
THE FISCAL FREAKS.
(Engaged at Enormout EtptnM.)
»vnw THFN ARTURV TAKK THE T1MK K!H»M MB!
JOSEPHA. NO \ 1 H 1 - ' ndon music.hall .. „ i, ,,,„,.„„ ,0
[Rosa-Josepha Blazek, the Bohenuan freak twins, ^
„,, ,!., r
NOVEMBER 30, 1901.]
THE COMPLETE DOCTOR.
[Vide the recently published Confessions of a,,
English Doctor.]
MY friends, by every means you can,
Avoid the life of the medicine man.
His lot in a vale of woe is thrown
With never a minute to call his own.
As soon as he closes his weary eyes
Some inconsiderate patient dies,
And inconsiderate babes are born
When he creeps to bed in the grey of
morn ;
By night and day he is slave and thrall
To every pauper that bids him call.
But if, no matter what I may say,
You still persist in your wilful way,
A hint or two from one who knows'
May lighten your self-inflicted woes.
Be youth and youthful ways forgot :
Assume an age if you have it not.
Try to look prosperous, plump and
porty —
Medical men are young at forty.
The working-man with anxious care
Sprinkles with tea his grizzling hair;
All traces of youthfulness you must hide
With a little potassium cyanide.
As youth must be carefully kept from
view,
So ignorance ought to be hidden too.
Judicious deception will do far more
Than all your /Ksculapian lore.
Your power is gone when a man supposes
You have a doubt of your diagnosis.
In your innermost heart you may feel at
sea —
If it 's mumps, or measles, or housemaid's
knee — •
But once let your victim perceive your
trouble,
And the' fount of his faith will cease to
bubble.
There may be doctors, I do not doubt,
Who, when a patient is prone to gout,
Will strongly advise him to cut it short
With his pounds of flesh and Ms bottles
of port.
A course like that is devoid of sense :
He takes the advice or he takes offence.
If he takes offence he kicks you out ;
If he takes the advice he is cured of his
gout;
And instead of dispensing for him, eheu!
He promptly proceeds to dispense with
you.
But let your tact be mostly spent
In winning the feminine element,
For a medical man need scarce be told
A woman with nerves is a mine of gold.
Tims, when you enter your patient's room
Affect a sympathetic gloom !
Don't laugh at the curious things she feels
In her arms and legs, in her soles and
heels,
The grinding ache in her back, the smart
Of tVio fiar] li^f A1 fl f c
•-.-.
Miss Grifn. " 1 'u SUBE IT MI ST DE MBS. JONES'S J..ITT nur HIE CA>'T MAXAGI
TUB CHILD IS MOST AFFECTIONATE."
Polite Visitor (eager to agree). " YES, THE WAT SHE GETS OS WITH roc Mows THAT ! "
But stroke her hand in a soothing way
And ask her, "How is the pulse to-day ? "
Enquire for the pain at the back of her
nose,
The feeling of dizziness down in her toes,
The block of ice in her burning chest,
The red-hot coal in her freezing breast,
The lead in her liver and all the rest.
If doctors stickled for truth, how many
Would ever be blessed with an honest
penny ?
How many who drive a spanking pair ^
Would do their rounds on Shanks's
mare,
Anrl Rtill find nlpntv of time to spare?
"Before I forget—
HKKKHKISI; to the "Great Dnugins
Cause," the I'hronicle remarks: —
" Klderly people will recollect the law-unit
which aroused so much n< Itrmrm in the
middle of the eighteenth country "
Pucentenarians, please copy.
Lines from North Westmorland.
TIIKKK was a vomitf Memlxr named I
Who nr>>\\ weary of IxMiitf a Whig,
•hirstinir i
lie emerged as a Tory.
And gallantly went the whole pig.
384
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[.NOVEMBER 30, 1901.
CHARIVARIA.
WE are'informed that the. function of
the second Baltic Squadron will be to
search for the survivors of the first.
The authorities of the Congo Free
State are endeavouring to popularise
travel through their territory, and
announce a reduction of first-class rail-
way fares. Owing to the spread of
civilisation, there are now so few bar-
barous States in the world that we fancy
many persons will be attracted to these
parts.
The fact that there was no booing at
the Royal Performances at Windsor
Castle before the King and Queen of
PORTUGAL is looked upon as a well-
deserved snub to certain galleryites.
Seeing that the First Night judgment
of a play is very often faulty, why not,
asks an Irish gentleman, hold the First
Night a week later ? The idea is not as
new as it sounds. Mr. TREE, it may be
remembered, once started straight away
with the Twelfth Night.
The discovery that the Doruey Mile at
Eton is 20 yards short of a mile, and
that the Eton running records of the
past are consequently of 110 value, has
produced a feeling of consternation in
scholastic circles.
Mr. PEARSON'S advice to Mr. BYRON-
CURTIS, the late Editor of the Standard :
Gwynne, and bear it.
short time ago, her chinchilla muff was
attacked by moth.
The antique battle-axe which was
offered, with other articles left in rail-
way carnages, for sale by auction last
week, is stated to have been stolen from
one of our arsenals.
Where now, our City Aldermen are
asking, is man's vaunted superiority?
There has been discovered in the State
of Kansas a species of grasshopper
which is endowed with a double set of
teeth and two stomachs. A feeling of
sullen jealousy prevails in civic circles.
An international exhibition of adver-
tising will shortly be held at Antwerp.
Thank Heaven, Great Britain will be
able to hold her own in the Novelists'
section, in both the ma'e and female
departments.
The present charge for smacking
litigants' faces in the Royal Courts of
Justice is £10 per face, but it is an-
nounced that the tariff may be raised.
King CARLOS has proved himself sucl
an unerring shot that King EDWARD'S
wisdom in concluding an Arbitration
Treaty with him has been conceded by
every one.
The fact that Colonel LE Roy LEWIS,
when his mansion was burning, saved
the French governess before the German
one, has given the liveliest satisfaction to
our friends across the Channel.
" The non-return of books," said Lord
ROSEBERY, in his speech at the opening
of a new Carnegie Library last week,
" lias ended more friendships than any
oth?r cause of which I am cognisant."
Yet T.P.'s Weekly, a literary journal,
actually published, the other day, an
article in praise of "The Spirit of
Borrow."
Now that the cold weather has come,
universal sympathy is being felt for the
Marquis of ANGLESEY, who will have to
go about this winter with only one
waistcoat, in the place of the live
hundred of last year.
According to the United Service
Gazette, orders have been given that the
tallow hitherto used at the launching
of warships shall in future be replaced
by margarine. This is looked upon as
a victory by those persons who have long
declared that tallow is inferior to mar-
garine as a substitute for butter.
Having read of the onslaught made oil
a Cornish lady's fur boa by a rat, a
vmnirr laf^v iwitoo tA infrvm IIS flint n
During a recent sitting of the Hun-
garian Diet, seats, books, and ink-bottles
were hurled at the President. As a
result of his not being hit there is to
be an inquiry into the marksmanship o:
the nation.
Eighteen St. Petersburg lawyers have
been called to the colours. They shouk
at least know how to charge.
We must once more call attention tc
the gross carelessness of a contemporary
We hear that the following head-line:
have caused considerable irritation ii
the Force : — •
ANOTHER POLICE BLUNDER
INXOCENT MEN RELEASED.
FREEMASONRY. — " 0 for a Lodge in some
vast Wilderness." Can any of your Past
Masters in Masonic learning inform the
present inquirer to what district such a
Lodge so situated belonged, its number,
name, Master, and any other particulars,
and send them under cover to "One who
dnesn't know ? '
OXFORD NOTES.
Some years hence.
MORE than usual interest is being
iiken in the Boat Race this year from
ho fact that for the first time for many
ears a native Englishman is included
n the Oxford crew. Our congratula-
ious to A. KERR MACFARLANE (Loretto
nd Balliol), who has been selected to
teer us against the sister 'Varsity in the
listoric " Battle of the Blues."
We have also to felicitate another
Sritisher, MORGAN JONES - WILLIAMS
Aberystwitli and Jesus) on getting his
'ush-ball blue. It really looks as if the
ild country was beginning to wake up
it last !
The nasty collision between a B.N.C.
ight manned by German (RHODES)
scullers and a New College Coxswainless
Tour, composed of British Colonials, has
jeen the sole topic of conversation this
week. Happily the crisis is now over,
and the matter is to be referred to the
rlague Tribunal. The German cox was
mdoubtedly in the wrong, and the
KUSKR lias sent him the usual telegram
of congratulation.
To-day the Stars and Stripes float
proudly over the new and palatial
buildings of Oriel which have just been
completed by the American Skeleton
Steel Construction Company Limited.
Men who knew Oxford in the old days
would be surprised at the numerous
changes and improvements that have
been made. The straightening and
widening of the old High Street (now
First Avenue), and the magnificent
Waldorf-Ritz Hotel, which stands wheie
St. Mary's iised to be, has made a vast
difference to the appearance of the town.
The Master of Balliol (the Rev. CYPRIAN
T. POTTER, of New York) entertained in
Hall the other night the officers and men
of the U.S. destroyer Texas, which is at
present stationed at Iffley Lock. During
the course of the evening Sir THOMAS
LIPTON (who despite his 101 years is as
keen a sportsman as ever) made his
usual happy references to the coveted
cup, and stated that it was still his
determination to bring it to this side of
the Atlantic. " Shamrock XLI." said Sir
THOMAS, " is the best boat I have yet sent
over, and I can only say, ' May the best
boat win ! ' '
SATURDAY EVENINGS. — Smart Man
Wanted for Bacon window, &c.—Croydon
Advertiser.
If it had been for a Shakspeare win-
dow, what a chance for Mr. HALL CAINE,
wluwp resemblance. &C.
"TIT-BITS" AND THE "GUARDIAN.
[J e are requested to give an emplmti
to the genuineness of the *~"
enco.j
From the Editor of the " Guardian
the Proprietor of "T7,e Wettmin
Gazette, "Strand Magazine," d-c.
r>E\R SIR GEORGE NEWNES,— I feel
can rely upon having a part of the
ample space at your command to correc
a misapprehension. You say in Mon
days Westminster Gazette that mv pur
chase of Tit-Bit* will issue in its radica
transformation — that Tit-Bits, to use
your own verb, will be "Guardianis,, I '
llus is so far from the truth, and ma\
isappomt so many persons, misled into
the hope of reading henceforth two
uardians instead of one, that I hasten
o disclose my plans in words which
mhke a classic, will require no com-
mentary.
In typography and the quality of
>aper employed Tit-Bits will be abso-
utely unaltered. The prizes offered in
•espect both of value and character, will
>e neither increased nor diminished
JSor shall I abandon that philosophic
principle which has been visible from
first to last in the conduct of this mis-
understood publication. You and I
know what that principle is: for the
benefit of others, who may have looked
only superficially at this subject, it ma>
not be superfluous to say that Tit-Bits
was founded, and has since been con-
tinued, with the object of fostering that
power of dissociation of ideas which is
of the first importance in education, as
any competent teacher of psychology will
agree.
It is therefore exact to say that in
essential principle and in outward form
Tit-Bits will be what it has been. The
only changes I intend to make are in
the staff. May I take our forthcoming
number as an example of what I mean ?
Mr. EDMUND GOSSE (so thoroughly at
home in France that references to mon
petit Gosse are frequently heard in the
Paris theatres) will have a few quaint
paragraphs on the private life of the
great French sonneteer, ANXA MAKH DE
PAROBIA. Mr. A. B. WALKLEY will say
something about the influence of BOSWELL
on his career. Reading in BOSWELL, ai
the age of eight, how JoHNBON attainec
success at Oxford by "striking in and
quoting MACROBIUS," Mr. WALKLEY con-
fides to us that he then and there
resolved to make his way by "striking
in and quoting " something or other, as
often as possible, for the rest of his life.
" Do dachshunds bag at the knees ? " will
be answered in his own inimitable way
by the Editor of Notes and Queries.
Mrs. HcMrimY WARD will tell the world
"How fame came." Unsuited to Tit-
Bits, you say? J venture to think not,
"ONE OF OUR CONQUERORS."
Imperial Yeoman. " MrcH OBLIGED IF Toe worm PICK IT mr SWOID rnt «."
for we intend to put a catchy (that i
the word, isn't it ?) heading on Mrs
WARD'S article— "Little Bas-Bleu, Come
Blow Your Horn," or something in tha
kind.
At the risk of being egotistic, for it
is difficult to write about oneself without
seeming, to others, to write too much.
I may as well say frankly that 1 am not
ashamed of literatim' and culture, and
that although snippets will continue to
give feature to my new property they
will be snippets fur the cultivated, the
serious, by the serious, the cultivated.
[ shall regard the editing of Tit-Hits as
n its nature a sacred Trust, to lie ad-
ministered to the end that scholarship
and culture may fall, drop by drop,
upon minds waiting. M I firmly b.
to receive them. Think of the .
for example, of this bit contributed to
our next number but one. by Mr. Arrflfl
SYHOXS: " WALTER PATER! what memories
are freshened and made fragrant by
that name! What a marvel th.-it a style
in which clause is laid by i:
cl.-Hlse. lovely one after lovely other.
until the long, retouched sentence u
misieal, invertebrate, should have he*n
so flexible to the interpretation of so
nany kinds of beauty ! That a mind
w> nicely adapted to the appreciation of
xquisite fluorescence should
•allied adequately •
PATER the only gifts I could wish from
the faeries are that his sentence* i.
386
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 30, 1904.
have achieved a more highly articulated
structure, and that humour, which often
seems to hover above his page, should
now and then have come to light upon
it " Trusting you will pardon me for
having troubled you with so long a
letter, I am, yours sincerely,
W. HOBHOUSE.
DEAR MR. HOBHOUSE,— I am glad to
give you all the publicity I have in
stock." Next week I could give you
more : but I suppose you couldn't wait.
While it is something to know that
Tit-Bits will not be consolidated with
your bright weekly, I still maintain that
the employment of the persons you men-
tion wiU give pain to my old readers.
If you must go in for style and litera-
ture, why not employ somebody with a
little ginger and spirit? Last night I
was trying to think of people for you.
Among others
I thought of CHESTERTON, the marvellous boy.
You see, your new hand isn't the only
man who can handle a dictionary of
quotations. I am reluctantly compelled
to think you deliberately obscure in your
remarks about "dissociation of ideas."
I have heard of their association. Is
that what you mean ? Let me conclude
by a friendly tip : if you want the thing
to be a go, let your motto be, "More
matter, less mind'."
Yours sincerely,
GEORGE NEWNES.
I refuse to "think of the effect" of
Mr. SYMONS'S piece. Your subscription
list will show what your readers think.
LIFE'S LITTLE DIFFICULTIES.
IV. — THE CHAIRMAN.
i.
The Hon. Felix Stow, Liberal Candidate
•jar Bilkingham, to his agent Mr.
Harry Keast.
DEAR KEAST, — What do you think
about another Meeting? There have
been a good many big speeches lately,
and my constituents will perhaps be
asking themselves how far I agree with
them. Let me know how it strikes you.
Yours sincerely,
FELIX STOW.
ii.
Mr. Harry Keast to the Hon. Felix Stoic.
DEAR MR. STOW, — I have made some
inquiries, and it is generally thought
that the time is ripe for another large
Meeting. The best dates would be either
the 22nd or the 29th of next month — both
Thursday, which is market day, when
the country people come in.
Yours faithfully,
HARRY KEAST.
in.
The Hon. Felix Stow to Mr. Harry Keast.
DEAR KEAST, — I think the 29th is
the day. I forgot to say in my last
that you must get me a new Chairman.
I really cannot stand BURGE any more.
Yours sincerely,
FELIX STOW.
IV.
Mr. Harry Keast to the Hon. Felix Stow.
DEAR MR. STOW, — We have fixed the
29th, and all that now remains is the
Chairman. The opinion of the influen-
tial men here is that you must get Sir
BONIAN BOGG. He controls a great
number of votes and is very highly
respected, and is the only man for whom
BURGE would be willing to stand down.
It would be best for you to write to
him yourself. Yours faithfully,
HARRY KEAST.
v.
The Hon. Felix Stow to Mr. Harry Keast.
DEAR KEAST, — Are you really serious
in suggesting that old ass ? Is there no
way of escape ? Yours sincerely,
FELIX STOW.
VI.
Telegram from Mr. Harry Keast to the
Hon. Felix Stow.
BOGG invaluable. Write at once. — KEAST.
VII.
The Hon. Felix Stow to Sir Bonian Bogg.
DEAR SIR BONIAN, — I should esteem it
a very great honour if you would consent
to take the chair at the Meeting which I
am addressing at Bilkingham on the
29th of next month. Believe me,
Yours very truly,
FELIX STOW.
VIII.
Sir Bonian Bogg to the Hon. Felix Stow.
DEAR MR. STOW, — Before I give my
consent to preside over your Meeting I
must be fully satisfied that your views
coincide with mine on various important
problems of the day. Please therefore
state as concisely as possible your atti-
tude to the following questions : —
(a) Old Age Pensions.
(b) Deceased Wife's Sister.
(e) Fiscal Reform.
(d) The Zionist Movement.
When replying please mark your letter
Z334, as I deal with all my correspond-
ence by method. I am, Dear Sir,
Yours faithfully,
BONIAN BOGG.
IX.
The Hon. Felix Stow to Sir Bonian Bogg.
DEAR SIR BONIAN, — It seems to me that
I cannot do better than enclose the
Bilkingham Herald's report of my first
speech to the constituency. That seems
to me to supply the answers which you
need. May I point out how important
it is that my Committee should know as
soon as possible if we are to have the
honour of your support as Chairman on
the 29th. Believe me,
Yours very truly,
FELIX STOW.
x.
Sir Bonian Bogg to the Hon. Felix Stow.
DEAR MR. STOW, — I have had your
speech read to me very slowly three
times, omitting only the references to the
enthusiasm of the audience — such collec-
tions of persons being to my mind very
like sheep. But I cannot find any pro-
nouncement either on the Deceased Wife's
Sister's Bill or on the Zionist Movement.
Kindly satisfy my mind on these im-
portant points; and in replying will you
please mark the envelope as well as I lie-
letter with the reference number with
which I furnished you ? I am, Dear Sir,
Yours faithfully,
BONIAN BOGG.
XI.
The Hon. Felix Stoic to Mr. Harry Keast.
DEAR KEAST, — I enclose Sir BONIAN
BOGG'S last letter. Why on earth you
are so set on having such a Chairman
I can't conceive. What am I to reply ?
I never heard of the Zionist movement.
Yours sincerely,
FELIX STOW.
XII.
Telegram from Mr. Keast to the Hon.
Felix Stow.
emphasis, but I cannot be absolute!
certain how far your words are mere!
rhetorical or scientifically exact in von
references to the PRIME' MINISTER. ' M
own views on this question are crvsta
Used, and so sacred that nothing aha
of complete unanimity would satisfy m
conscience. 1 am, Dear Sir,
Yours faithfully,
BOXIAN Bcxai.
P-S. — Please remember to alter you
reference number to AA13, as I have'jus
had a new set of pigeon-holes made.
xv.
The Jinn. Felix Stow to Mr. llmri/ Kcast
DEAR KF.AST,— This is getting perfecth
ridiculous. See what your Big-wig
writes to-day. What are his inferna"
crystallised views? It is so impossibL
that I should agree with him that I an
determined to end the farce. So please
arrange for BURGE again, but do for
heaven's sake stop him from calling me
the Right Honourable in his opening
speech. Yours sincerely,
Oct. 14. FKLIX STOW.
XVI.
The Eon. Felix Stow to Sir Bonian Bogg.
DEAR SIR BONIAN,— After giving your
kind letter the utmost attention, I have
come to the conclusion that it would
perhaps be better not to proceed in my
request that you should honour our
Meeting by presiding over it. I feel
certain that we are inevitably bound to
differ here and there, and I know how
painful it would be to you to find that
you had by implication given your
support to an opinion in which you did
not believe. I am therefore very re-
luctantly asking Mr. BURGE to take the
hair as before. Believe me,
Yours very truly,
Oct. 14. FELIX Srow.
XVII.
The Hon. Felix Stow to Mr. Daniel
B-itrge.
DEAR MR. BURGE, — I shall esteem it a
great kindness if you will again take the
chair at our next Meeting, on the 29th
of next month. Yours sincerely,
Oct. 14. FEI.IX STOW.
XVIII.
Mr. Ham/ Kcast to the Hon. Felix Stou:
DEAR MR. STOW, — I saw Sir BONIAN this
norning, and quickly convinced him
hat you and he see eye to eye. I will
ell you what I told him when you come
down ; or shall I come to town ? I
enclose a rough pull of the poster. You
vill see how well Sir BONIAN BOGO'S
lame looks. Yours faithfully,
Oct. 14. HARRY'KEAST.
XIX.
\1r. Harry Keast to the Hon. Felix Stoie.
(Next day.)
Am coming by 11.30 train. Bt I;GE
.!//•«. Tiirrcini.
TRUE APPRECIATION.
uircrJicanl nl tin- 'I'lienlrt.)
'I DON'T KKIIW TIHT I'M KVVKI.Y OOSXB «\ SlHk-PM! i I'm-"
I/,-. /' nyrrtt.
hreatens secede.
taste. — KF.AST.
Greatly regret your
'«• Bonian Bogg to the Hon. Frli
Sir BONIAN Bone is at a loss to under-
tand the letter AA13, since Mr. Smw'«
gent yesterday called and quickly sitis-
ed Sir BONIAN BOCG'S mind on all
oints that were in doubt. Together
ley arranged the procedure of the
feeting, and the agent at once fell in
'ith all Sir BONIAN BOGG'S suggestions
s to the occupants of the front row of
le platform and other essential matters,
fter reading Mr. STOW'S odd letter Sir
,ONIAN BOGG cannot but feel that he has
een played with, and the thought is an
xceedingly distasteful one. If Mr. ST <w
as any explanation to offer, Sir l!o\i\\
yiGG will be pleased to give it considera-
ticjn ; olhcru ise it would |*-rlia|n lie
l»'tter if all <orri~|«.inli'iire U-Uveen
himself anil Sir HINUN !!««.<; were to
Nothing Startling.
SIR.- The other day I saw lln-
ing heading in the Wedmauttr Cnzelie:
• IX WINTER'S r.RIP.
A 'LOST' EXPRESS TRAIN."
Bui surely there's nothing very excep-
tional in this; certainly not to me. 1
am always toning trains. I l<*t two
expresses only the other liny. The
n of my doing so was not far to
.-i-t-k. that is. not farther than tli-
frp.-liineiii I 'mm, as it' wiw MI bitterly
cold that 1 was cniii|-el]ed to taken "wee
ilnipj'it." ViurH,
A T(H ToUl. AlVTAINEB.
388
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[X.iVKMIJKU MO, 1'JDI.
ENCOURAGING.
Auctioneer. "Now, GENTLEMEN, WE COME TO A VERY TPEITL LOT, THE BAY PONY. RARE LITTLE ANIMAL THIS. WHAT SHALL I SAY FOB THE
POST, GENTLEMEN; SHALL I SAY TEH POUNDS?"
/''/';•«/ Byetander. "A SOVEREIGN!"
Auctioneer. " COME, GENTLEMEN, 1'ic NOT HERE TO WASTE MY TIME WITH TRIFLING HIDS I.IKE THIS; WE 'HE NOT SEI.I.IM;
HERE'S A WONDERFUL GOOD CLASS OF ANIMAL. MOVE HER ABOUT -A BIT, THERE! WORTH THIRTY Forsns TO ANYONE. NOW \\n\i
FOB HER?
Second Bystander. " GUINEAS ! "
SHALL I SAY
THE MARCH OF PROGRESS.
WHEN man in dim and desultory way
Passed slowly from the Stone-Age to the Copper,
There were who thought that culture was decay,
And progress most improper.
When he aspired to modify his fate
There were resisting souls among the Cave-men,
Who deemed improvements were degenerate
Devices to enslave men.
They grieved that implements of jagged flake
Should be replaced by metal bolts and spear-heads
They mourned when men used copper celts to break
Each other's queer heads.
And there arose a sanctimonious groan,
Long letters in the Neolithic papers,
When some aspired to scratch themselves with bone
Instead of wooden scrapers.
When folk began to eat each other less,
And culture craved a more impersonal diet,
These timid souls could only feel distress
And qualms of sore disquiet.
When fire became a culinary aid,
All lovers of the raw set up a-railing ;
And when man clothed himself, the naked made
A most indignant wailing.
And still, when we attempt the things we should,
The cravens croak and vilify the brave men,
And every step towards a higher good
Is hampered by the Cave-men.
A MATTER OF COURSE. — Sir HENRY IRVINC; has been lecturing
on art at the Pen and Pencil Club, Aberdeen, .lust the very
place and subject for a great artist; and there 's no doubt
about the fact that he can draw. Of course Architecture has
been hitherto his principal study, and, undoubtedly, he has
not his equal anywhere in drawing an enormous house.
IN the Times Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL has recently been
indulging in some Pearsonal remarks.
THE MOST FAVOURED NATION.
JAPANESE AGENT. " HERE ! YOU 'VE LET IHM GO OFF WITH A DESTROYER. I THOUGHT YOU
SAID YOU WEREN'T SELLING ANY?"
MR. BULL. "DESTROYER! WHY HE TOLD ME IT WAS .MKANT FOR A YACHT!"
[" Mr. SINXETT, who managed the business, introduced himself to the firm of YARROW as the agent of a rich American dnirou* of buying
a yacht."— "Matin," quoted by " Daily Graphic."]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON cil.\l!l\ .\l!l
"CONFISCATED BY THE BERLIN POLICE."
WHAT ARE THET AFRAID OF? Is IT raiaf
["The Berlin Police have confiscated from the numbers of Punch ,•( Xm-rmlH-r 1(1 th- jape containing the cviature c
illiam and President Roosevelt, entitled " Kindred Spirits of the • Strenuous Life, tfj ^^
William
A PROPOS DE SHOES.
OUR humorous contemporary, the MiineJiner Neiieste Nacli-
rlehten, under the heading " Vom neuen Gang der Frau
recently discussed the present craze for pointed high-heeled
shoes in England. The writer recognised that the change
will impart an unaccustomed grace to the Englishwoman s
progress — but, there are drawbacks; the new shoe wil
hamper her freedom when engaged in playing polo!
mit solehcn Sclmlien Itann die. moderne Dame freilieh niM
Polo spielenl As has been well said, " What do they know of
England, who only Deutschland know?"
AT Southencl-on-Sea Police Court a fisherman was recently
fined for selling unwholesome shell-fish. He pleaded
for ten years he had been in the habit of scraping mussels
off a pier. No wonder we hear so much of the cnf«
condition of the aristocracy.
h
RESTFUL ROSEBERIAN l;K.\I»IX«:s
Xesoposoi Lonl ROSKIIKRY'S l.vturron 1
has been quoted as always " having k.-j.t A/...
bedside." No. compliment to that marvelloiu
more than it would be were some one to inform th,
Napoleon, The b,*t /'/,,w. that h" "always had
bedside, and rend it the very last thing at night as an
ment to sleep." On second thoughts bed i« the \
for a Nap. -— — — ==
Remarkable Natural Phenomenon.
Is th,- following passage, taken fnmi th,; ••Court and
Society" column "f the ' , ""• ,-,-« ,,-t "
appli,:,! to the rising moon. «e<
tlu-ory of pnvn eifMW as the lon.lm« r..n-litn«-iit •
" Later in the day, as the Kiso and QCEO droT»
" Dcrr first, pleasure afterwards," as the Customs ™u« -^-^^-i,,
Officer observed to the gentleman from abroa fnoon «««;««« ri«i«3-"
brought over with him a couple of boxes of cigar ^ ^ ^ ^
own personal smoking.
vement,
Man iii the
PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[XoVEMliElt 30, J'JOk
QUEEN SYLVIA.
CHAPTER II.
Sylvia discoi-ers who she is.
"CONDUCT us," repeated the Prime Minister in a more
peremptory tone, for SARAH was standing stock-still with her
mouth and her eyes wide open, "to Her Majesty, and let
there be no delay."
"Her Majesty?" said SARAH at last, "What Majesty?
Do you mean Mrs. WILKIXS, Sir, the cook ? She 's busy just
now, but I dessay she 'II see yon."
"No, girl," said the Chamberlain, in a deep official voice,
"we do not mean Mrs. WILKIXS, the cook. We desire to see
Her Majesty Queen SYLVIA, and at once."
"Oh, Lor'! said SARAH, feeling, as she afterwards
declared, as if somebody had caught her a clout over the
head "You mean Miss SYLVIA, I suppose. Ah, I see what
it is, she added, with a gleam of intelligence, " you 're some
o them Christinas mummers come afore the proper time.
We ^never encourage them, so you can go away. Besides]
you 're both old enough to know better than act 'that kind o'
tomfoolery."
"The situation," said the Chamberlain, "is becoming
awkward.
" We shall have to take a decisive step," said the Prime
Minister.
" We cannot afford," added the Chamberlain, "to be defied
by a serving wench," and, with a gallant gesture, the result
ot many years of courtly practice, he laid his right hand
gently, but with a world of meaning, upon the hilt of his
sword. ' Make way there," he cried, " for our business is
pressing, and we must at all hazards see the QUEEN "
What might have happened I cannot say, for the Chamber-
lain was a man of iron resolution, and SARAH, though her
birth was humble, had a dauntless soul ; but at this moment
SYLVIA herself appeared in the passage.
"What is it ? " she asked. " Do these gentlemen wish to
see Mamma ? and she advanced towards the door
"Don't go near 'em, Miss SYLVIA," expostulated Sunn
anxiously but her protest came too late, for SYLVH had put
ner quietly aside and was standing before the Prime
Minister and the Chamberlain.
" Can I give Mamma any message ? " said SYLVIA.
Are you her daughter?" said the Chamberlain with some
awkwardness. " I mean, are you—
" Of course I am " said SYLVIA, laughing. " What a funny
question to ask ! My name is SYLVIA -SYLVIA CHYSTAI "
At once, and without a word of warning, the two old
gentlemen dropped down, each upon one knee, and one after
he other, taking SYLVIA'S hand, brought it to his lips and
ently kissed it.
While this was passing, and before SYLVIA had recovered
rom her astonishment, a tall lady dressed in black had
nurned in at the door and swept past the two kneeling figures
My darling she said, clasping SYLVIA to her breast, "I
know what lias happened. I have just read the terrible news
~^Sj ,°° Sad' Oh> lnay God Sive y°u strength ! "
Madam, said the Chamberlain, who* had risen from his
knees compose yourself, for you are addressing the Qcrax
We have come," he continued, turning to SYIVH "'to
announce to your Majesty your accession to the throne It
was at midnight that King RICHARD of pious and immortal
memory breathed his last. An hour later we learnt the new
f the dreadful event that carried off Prince CHARLES and his
wo sons Much had to be done and thought of- there was
necessarily some confusion, but I assure vour Majestv we
came with as little delay as was possible: An unbroken
radition assigns to the Chamberlain and the Prime Mniste
he duty of making tins announcement. We are here to take
such commands as your Majesty may graciously be pleased
to signify with regard to certain urgent matters of State "
But, Mamma," said SYLVIA,-" what does it all mean? Is
it a dream? No. I'm pinching myself, and I can feel it
quite well. But oh, what does it all mean ? "
" It means, my darling," said the tall lady, " that von are
indeed Queen of Hinterland, and that I am iii d.,fv bound to
make obeisance to my Sovereign," and, bending low, she too
took SYLVIA s hand and kissed it, while the tears came to her
•It will all be explained to you later." she continued
and you will try to forgive me for having kept von "in
ignorance of your station."
"Forgive you, Mamma? "said SYLVIA. "Oh please don't
speak like that. Everything you ,io is always ridit "
•It is your Majesty," said the Prime Minister with a
certain archness, " who can do no wrong henceforth "
But how," said the tall lady, "shall she bear thes,
tremendous responsibilities ? She is but. a child "
"At fifteen," observed the Chamberlain, "the Sovereigns
of the Royal House of Hinterland are of full age. It is so
laid down in the Act of Succession passed two hundred vears
ago m the reign of King HiLDEBRASD THE GREVT "
"May Heaven protect and guide her! " said the tall ladv.
And now, gentlemen, permit me, since this cottage is mine
to oiler you some slight refreshment."
At this point, however, the proceedings, which had been
hitherto conducted with all proper ceremonial rigidity were
interrupted by SARAH. This faithful servant had drunk in
every word that had been said, and had at last, realised that
her little SYLVIA was indeed a Queen. Flinging herself down
on the floor she came shuffling on her knees along the passage
and seized SYLVIA'S hand, and covered it with kisses
"Oh, Miss SYLVIA," she whimpered, "oh, my Majestv, to
think you should turn out like this. Don't send me away
Let DM wait on you. I '11 do my duty faithful."
This, 'said the Chamberlain, "is most, unseemly."
Rise, SARAH, said SYLVIA, who had read about Kings and
Queens, and remembered how they spoke, "we will endeavour
to find you a place about our person and Hollo shall come
too, dear old Eollo."
The last words were addressed to the St. Bernard dog, who
had come up quietly from the garden, and was looking into
SYLVIA s face with a troubled expression in his honest eyes.
It is plain, said the Prime Minister, " that your Majestv
will not lack protectors. May I now beg your Majesty to
make preparations for coming with us? The heralds have
proclaimed your accession in all the public places and the
populace will be waiting outside the Palace to salute you
with loyal enthusiasm."
"I'll pack your box this very minute, my Majesty," said
"Thank you," said the QUEEN. "And, by the way, you
needn t put in the arithmetic book, or any of the other 'lesson
books. ______^^^
Our Dumb Pets.
THE annexed advertisement, taken from a Lincolnshire
paper, once more emphasizes the modern tendency to pamper
domestic animals : —
WANTED, a Gent's or Lady's free-wheel BICTCLE
for a Pure Bred Sable and White COLLIE.
Tennysonian Blotto for Dyspsptics
OUR little systems have their day.
They have their day, and cease to be.
Spoilsman Terrible soaking they had in the Welter
Handicap! Why, when the jockeys weighed in thev were
°ach allowed two pounds !
Lad,, Friend Poor fellows ! I suppose that was to bin-
new clothes with !
391
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 30, 1901.
THE GENESIS OF A PHRASE.
i'i frm/iiu'iitx of an Address delivered
to the students of the University
of St. Bees by their Rector the Right
Hon. George Windmill, M.I'.)
Projicit ampullas et sesqnipedalia verlui."
— HORACE.
I dismiss that ("ineffably banal
refuge of the ^destitute rhetorician.
Efficiency, and/since you are the alumni
of St. Bees, and I have the proud pre-
rogative of harbouring one , of those
mellificent proboscidians in my own
bonnet, propose to you a discourse on
one branch of the Philosophy of Her-
nieneutics, that which is concerned with
the supererogatory adumbration of the
inexplicable in terms of maximum
orotundity. That is the end of my
modest exordium. Without further ex-
penditure of polysyllables I name my
subject "Pristine Connotations ; or, The
Genesis of a Phrase."
S 6 « * w
The genesis, or, to be more precise,
the geodetic genealogy of a phrase
affords us common ground. It is a
theme at once concrete and mystical, but
neither hubristic nor holophrastic. So,
turning my back on the futile pleonasms
of inebriated fiscalists I seekTtlie crystal-
line springs of the goddess Phlyaria and
iind a convenient point of departure for
my peripatetics in the phrase of HIPPO-
CAMPUS minor : "Homo homini lupus."
His saying is trite but still teeming
with tremendous etymological possibili-
ties. Two questions leap from it
clamouring for definition : " What sort
of man ? " " What sort of wolf ? " One
rash footstep, one temerarious generalisa-
tion might land me in the quagmire of
Comparative Osteology or the mephitic
morass of Caledonian dialectics. For-
tunately the obiter dictum of Hippocampus
excludes isolated examples of either
species. The whole, as EUCLID observes
with unerring instinct, is greater than
the part, and I am thus enabled to
eliminate from my lucubrations the
polyphonic synthesis of hydrocephalous
sciolists, from TRISMEGISTUS and SAN-
niosiATiioN to CAGUOSTRO and BARHKY
D'AUREVII.I.Y. 1 dismiss the anaemic
automaton of PAPADIAMANTOPOUI.OS. 1
dismiss the nebulous exhalations of
CAMUUSCAN, GHIRLANDA.JO, GUN GALEA/XO
SFORZA, CLEMENS NON PAPA, GUICCIARDINT,
BACCIIYLIDKS, RALAUSTION, JAWCI.I.ON and
SuiMon.uoN. These are great names to
conjure with, but they leave me un-
moved. It is true that ORLANDO m LASSO
inveighs against the tyranny of the
Bollandists, that PORFIRIO DIAZ laments
the decline of the totemism of the Aztecs,
that CLAMJAMFREY, in a spasm of ecstatic
hedonism, proclaimed rheumatic arthritis
to be the inevitable corollary of a diet ol
mulligatawny soup and macaroni. Bui
heir speculations, though not devoid of
.nterest, are engrossed by the concrete
'acts of the fleeting Present. To
penetrate] the "true inwardness "—if 1
nay borrow a luminous observation of
G. 11. SIMS- -of our argument we must
emancipate our intellects from the
thraldom of an obsolete tradition and
steep ourselves to the lips in the bracing
waters of esoteric etymology. ,,
e & & & ' •»
I propose, then, to' take the common
words which we use, without premedita-
tion, when discussing the broader aspects
)f anthropology, and to subject them to
two tests. First I shall seek to discover
NOT UNLIKELY.
" WELL, WELL ! AND WAS BABY FRIGHTENED OF
HIS DADDY, DBS ! "
when they were first used, and secondly
what are the most striking modern
derivatives. Applying this test we find
that the word homo was first iised by
KNNHS in his memorable apostrophe
nuns homo iwbis. It crops up in the
gnomic apophthegms of POMPONIUS MELA,
in the Nieotiniana of MAGNIFICUS
POMPOSUS, in the Apocoloeyiitosis of
SENECA, and in the Polygopaphlasma of
CASSIODORUS. Hence the English word
"home," the American "hominy," and
the Cumbrian houhynhm, so familiar to
the audience which conferred on me the
high honour which has elicited this
humble and uncultured address.
3> «:• & & 3!
From these artless beginnings sprung
that complex aggregation, that choric
dance of interplanetary efferents which,
alike in the tangles of the Hercynian
forests, the samovars of the Maeso-Gothic
dolmens, the cromlechs of Milesian
tanists, has, by a slow but irresistible
process of political gravitation, promoted
the ultimate domination of the non-Aryan
broad-headed race whirh the late EDWARD
LEAR called crumbobblious, but which
with Professor RIPLEY I prefer to style
neo-Pictish. You know the cruel slander
ivhich the Dalecarliaus circulated to the
prejudice of their gallant opponents.
They went so far as to state that the
Picts had such large feet that they were
forced to put their trousers on over their
beads. Hence the kilt, and, by a process
of concomitant variation, the Kilties,
whose soul-animating strains have lately
kindled the dying embers of pristine
ivic virtue in a race sapped by a life of
polyglot restaurants and international
sleeping-cars. I can not, then, bring
myself to believe that the Picts were
exterminated, though I know that only
five words of their tongue survive.
Here then you can help, you of our
ancient University, by a return to the
primitive simplicity of your neolithic
•mrcstors, and by steadfastly refusing to
reinforce that disintegrating tendency
towards centrifugal cosmopolitanism
which is at once the bane and the
blessing of the British Empire.
ON POCKET-BOOKS.
OUR Master, Guide, Philosopher, and
Friend, for wise reasons which cannot be
questioned having long ago ceased to
contribute his own annual publication
full of solid information and replete
with brilliant prose and sparkling verse,
known for years as Mr. Punch's Pocket
Book, to the Christmas and New Year's
collection in Father Time's Library, the
Baron takes this opportunity of drawing
the attention of his readers to such
special specimens from the stores of cer-
tain suppliers of this most useful class of
work as have been brought under his
notice.
First then, there is, among the nattily
bound and practically serviceable pocket-
books and calendars produced by Messrs.
DE LA RUE, a specimen of the genuine
pocket-book which, besides containing
its useful calendar, diary, and pencil, is
a book irith pockets and for pockets,
and will be found by those whose habits
admit of pocketing (tailors do not con-
sider their customers' pockets, except
from one point of view, so much as
their own) easily pocketable. Among
Calendars for the writing-table the Baron
selects an interesting Nelson Calendar
as particularly useful to those who find
themselves frequently at sea as regards
dates, festivals, and historic events.
GIBSON GIIILS AUK NOW A.TEAUIKO AT THE VAUDEVILLE THEATRE. WHY simri.n SOT SOME OF oi'R OWN ARTISTS HE OIVEX A ciuv , ?
SUGGESTION TO MANAGERS— BOYS AND GlRLS FROM TOE ROYAL ACADEMY :—
SIR K. POYNTER, P.R.A. MARCUS STONE, R.A. ALMA TADEMA, R.A. STOREY, A.R.A.
THE LAST OF THE CARLISTS AT COVENT GARDEN.
Not-ember 21. — As Carmen, Madame LAFAROUE might have
been acceptable but for those "caparisons" which "are
oderous," but^ are inevitable with those who have seen
Madame CALV£ at her best as the wayward, unprincipled,
impassioned gipsy. The Micaela of Mile. AI.ICK NIELSEN was
"sweet and low," a little too low sometimes. Mile. TREXTIXI
was in excellent form aa Frasquita, as also was Signorina
MANFREDI, who impersonated her fascinating companion, the
light-hearted Mercedes. Not much "go" in M. CORNTIII.IU'S
Don Jose; but Signor TOMATO -beg pardon, should have said
AMATO -as Kscamillo, the Toreador contento, was satisfactory.
Signori VIALE and PAROI.I as II Dancaire and II Remendado,
the two utter bad 'uns, were thoroughly good. Equally MI
were the abbreviated THOMAS, alias Signor THOS, as Rwniga,
and Signor MASSA (a name that sounds like a question in
nigger language, " Seen yaw Massa ? ") as Morales. Chorus
good, CAMPAXIXI and orchestra doing their best. House well
filled ; smart sot conspicuous by absence, and audience gene-
rally lacking enthusiasm.
November 22. — Madame GIACHKTTI being unfortunately
indisposed, audience was requested to judge of Rigoletto by
liis Second and Fourth Act. The doggy Dock was well
represented by Signor .\\SEI.MI, and his great song, " IM
Donna Anlaninliile" (its iip-to-date title), was heartily
applauded. Signor AMATO'S Fool o' the Family, known as
Rigoletto, was tlioroughly appreciated by the audience.
As Giltlu, Mile. ALICE XIKI.SKX was quite at her very be-t :
sweet, as on the previous night, but never low; tonight
sweet and clear. Madame FKIIK MJIS as M<nj<l<ilen was "not
n it," so to speak, with the others whose associate she is in
he celebrated quartette, which, ho\ve\er, was effectively
given. House well filled : waits too long : great pity, as such
)ig waits will make the lightest opera heavy, and not a few.
• being aweary of waiting, left before commencement of
I Pagliacfi, in which pretty .Madame Wni>\ was a delightful
i Nedda, charming in appearance, acting and singing. As
I'litiin, M. (V)BsrnEHT was good, but not so strongly dramatic
as he should have been, lacking the intensity required by the
part. Signor Axcox.v's T<»u« uas first-rate as usual, his
"prologue" was magnificent, the value of his powerful acting
and artistic singing being enthusiastically recogniseil. A-
Xilria, the representative of the somewhat insipid .-ccond-
class Do\ JTAX, we do not, remember ever to have seen a
better than Signor Axcr.i.m FORXARI. Orchestra under
Signor CAMPAXIXI perfect, In fact, if there were no other
opera to signalise the success of this " off-season," it would
suffice to record this memorable representation of I'nijliaefi.
Thursday was snow and we couldn't po.
/•>(</</ //.- The Kingand Queen of PORTI GAL honoured ( 'ovent
Garden, and witnessed with delight a fragmentary perform-
ance, consisting, first, of the saddest. Act of IM Jlnlieiiie. played
by Miles. ALICE XIEI.SKX and TREXTIXI, Signori DAM and
AMATO ; their Majesties were treated to the overture to
William Tell, which was given just to prepare the Royalties
for the third item, namely, the laughable farce of l.,\
Madame (inniETTl being the heroine, and Signoi-
the wicked nobleman; and then, by way of finish to a good
hearty enjoyable evening's entertainment, came the Second
Act of that rough-and-tumble piece of operalic merriment,
entitled Grand Otello, or The .Moor !/!<• Merrier. The ill
rollicking programme ("by command ''. "i was under the
conductorship of courteous ('\MPVMXI. and all returned home
rejoicing.
We sincerely trust that with the result of the extra operatic
season the San Carlo (Jr.tnd Opera Company are as plea-cd
as were their " Friends in Front," and then we shall feel
perfectly en-tain that .Me— rs. l,'i\n:i and Foi;~vni. like
.Mes-i-s. l'.i\ ami Cox. "are satisfied." I'm-tuiii.
396
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 30, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
APPROACHING Retrospects (SMITH, ELDER), with the reverence
due to the Emeritus Professor of Philosophy in the Uni-
versity of St. Andrews, my Baronite confesses he was a
ittle shocked to find the learned Doctor dropping into bad
anguage, even as upon occasion Mr. Silas Wegg " dropped
into poetry." The blow is dealt on page 112, where Mr.
KNIGHT, inflamed by the caloric of his argument, alludes to
'our blasted mundane ideals." It is a slip that does not
mar the serenity of an interesting book. The attraction
varies with succeeding topics. Some of the chapters, those
dealing with TENNYSON, BROWNING, and ARTHUR STANLEY for
jxample, are excellent. Others, notably that on CARLYLE
which opens the volume, are disappointing. If the truth
may be whispered beyond the precincts of St. Andrews,
liumour is not the strong point of its Professor of Philosophy.
With some of CARLYLE'S sayings, even the kindly assistance
of italics, familiar in .the original edition of JOE MILLER,
does not help the Southener to see the joke. As occasionally
happens with persons of certain temperament, Mr. KNIGHT
is most amusing when he does not strive after that effect.
Thus he tells how BROWNING once said to him, "All the
unintelligibility " of SORDELLO was due to the printers. " They
would change his punctuation and not print his commas,
semi-colons, dashes and brackets." There, flashed forth in
a sentence, is explanation of a mystery that has long baffled
mankind. Through a long and distinguished career Mr.
KNIGHT has enjoyed the advantage of intimate acquaintance
with many eminent men. He promises a further series
Retrospects, for which the first whets the appetite.
of
It is the Baron's agreeable duty to call attention to the
Special Number of The Studio, produced arid published by
its proprietors (Offices, 44, Leicester Square). This number
deals exclusively with the two French artists in black
and white and in colour, DAUMIER and GAVAHNI, carica-
turists, in style and technique vastly differing the one
from the other, of whose work many of the best and
most characteristic specimens are here finely reproduced
by the photogravure process, which with rare artistic
story of a search after an imaginary "Treasure Island," and
everyone of the dramatis personce is what is termed in
theatrical parlance " a character part ; " and of these eccentric
types of middle -class rural life, including even the snappish
girl and her artful lover, it is noteworthy that not a single
one is represented as being absolutely straightforward. The
scenes ashore, afloat, and on the island, are genuine low
comedy ; biters are bit, and biggest thieves come off best.
At page 153 there is a description which should make Mr.
JACOBS popular with all hunting men. though as a rule any
allusion to field sports is quite out of his line of country.
Mr. FISHER UNWIN makes the most important contribution
to the fiscal controversy since novelty was worn off
Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S campaign and the PRIME MINISTER'S
divagations. He has collected from various parts of the
country personal testimony of men and women who lived —
or rather existed — in Protection days. They do not quote
From Blue Books or elaborate arguments. They just tell
how Protection actually influenced their daily life. They
state their weekly wage, what their daily food cost them,
and wherewithal they were clothed. Hear Mr. PRESTIDOE,
born seventy-six years ago in the parish of Meriden, near
Coventry : " My father's wages were t)«. a week. Twopence
a day I got for frightening the crows off a farmer's wheat.
Father had to pay £6 a year for his house, so you may guess
how wi> lived with a 4-1 b. loaf at 11|</.. tea from ;")«. to 8s. a
pound, and vile sugar at 9<7. a pound." The allowance for
this family of seven was 1 07.. of tea and a pound of bacon
a week, with a dish or two of swedes thrown in " if we could
get them." My Baronite quotes this from a cloud of
witnesses, not because the case was worse than others, but
because its statement is comparatively brief. Every man
who honestly desires to master the question of Protection
versus Free Trade as it affects the life of the people should
read these simple annals of the good old times.
After reading that carefully-planned and captivatingly-
exciting tale of mystery and crime, written in the Sherlock-
Holmes-Gaboriau vein, and entitled The Ambassadors Glore,
by ROBERT MACHRAT (JOHN LONG), even the least nervous
person would be inclined to think twice before taking a room
skill gives us the tone of the original lithograph, its j in any one of our luxurious and gigantic hotels. You may
strong lights and shadows, its delicate J;ints, its sharp out- secure a room, but can you secure the door? When staying
at a mammoth Hotel in Piccadilly, ho\v would you like to be
awaked by masked men, one of whom tells you to lie quiet,
"his voice cutting the air hissingly like a whip," and then to
be requested to hand over all your valuables, worth five
thousand pounds, to the Daring Diamond Robbers? Then
the scene changes to apartments in the Hotel Chamberlain
(where, despite the name, there is no protection), which is
run by a syndicate of murderous anarchists. The story is
cleverly worked out, and thoroughly sensational.
lines and somewhat vivid colouring. The well-considered,
critical and biographical notes by HENRI FRANTZ and
OCTAVE UZANNE, edited by CHARLES HOLME, are printed in
the clearest type by Messrs. BRADBURY AND AGNEW, whom,
in conjunction with the proprietors of The Studio, the
Baron heartily congratulates on an exceptionally perfect
work. For separate appreciation of HONORE DALMIER, born
1808, the Baron refers his readers to THACKERAY'S Paris
Sketch Book. DAUMIER was, politically, a brutal satirist, a
French GILLRAY or ROWLANDSON in idea, powerful in execution,
and yet, as artist and wit, not equal to the versatile
GAVARNI, four years his junior. English people came to be
fairly familiar with the work of GUILLAI'ME SULPICE CHEVALIER,
known as " GAVARNI," who, though he tried to acclimatise
himself in London, failed in his attempts at representing the
contemporary English as they really were, and could only
translate them into French equivalents. But this fascinating
theme the Baron must perforce drop, and once again he
strongly recommends all lovers of art, and all interested in
the history of caricature, to procure, at its very moderate price
of five shillings, this most interesting and valuable Special
Number of The Studio.
Once again all who appreciate the delightful humour of
Mr. W. W. JACOBS will heartily welcome his latest book
entitled Dialstone Lane (GEORGE NEWNES, Ltd.). It is the
THE
BARON
A Naughty Pussie, as a specimen of DEAN'S Rag Books
patented, ought to achieve exceptional popularity in the
governess's class-room. It is
specially adapted for a small
pocket, whence it can be ex-
tracted at any convenient mo-
ment when nobody is looking,
and, if placed on a lap tinder
the table, it can be surrepti-
tiously enjoyed by any boy or
girl quite prepared to take the
consequences of discovery. Pity
this was not brought out bv
Messrs. BOHN. Taking
would have been,
and Bolin Series."
•The
title
Rag
DE
DECEMBER 7, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
SCIENCE NOTES.
By Professor Job Lott.
THE RAGE FOR PUNCTURE.
THE Daily Graphic of November 30,
in an article on the prevalence of tattoo-
ing, states that one young lady came—
at different times— with eleven different
men to a fashionable tattooer. At each
visit she signed her name, and the signa-
ture was tattooed on her companion's
arm. The lady, is now married, but her
husband has not his wife's maiden name
on his arm, while of the eleven young
men whose arms were once so adorned
six have been back to have the name
obliterated. ( 'loarly there is an opening
here for Professional Untattooists, who
might be attached to Courts where
breaches of tattoo— we mean, promise
--are in vogue; or their services
might be .bespoken in advance, nisi
l>riux, in the lamentable cases with
which Sir FRANCIS JEUNE has to deal.
If the state of things instanced by our
contemporary goes on, we shall be
having a Tattooed Column after the
Betrothals on the first page of the Times,
e.g., Mr. PAKEHA SMITH tattooed to Miss
MAORI JONES before the latter's Pali, and
according to the full New Zealand cere-
mony. Mr. GEORGE MEREDITH would
probably recommend that fugitive stain
be employed, warranted to fade after ten
or a less number of years. Others,
again, might prefer sympathetic ink, to
appear in an emergency, as for instance
when one's memory is mislaid or when
the police see double. Such devices
ought not to be beyond the range of
science. Meanwhile we feel for the
eleven young men, or rather the six
who went through the ordeal twice.
CHROMATIC MORAIS.
Dr. STENSON HOOKER has been lecturing
last Wednesday on hie character rays
theory at the Vril-ya Club. For instance,
it appears that a deep blue halo plays
around writers, clergymen and good
politicians, while slaty blue orl light
brown emanations invest the ordinary
person, and a dark green aura indicates
some little defect — such as failing to
return a £5 note-- on the mental or
physical plane.
This throws a new light on a hitherto
abstruse law of nature, and we can now
realise why certain colours are so called
and what individuals correspond to them.
If some public speakers are — shall we
say, Madder than others, is there not a
tint to that effect ? Again, though we
shudder at having to admit it, we have
known some fair taradiddlers who must,
to the discerning eye, have worn a
nimbus of Sapphira Blue. There have
even been occasions — tell it not in May-
f:lir' -\rVim
SO COUSINLY.
/li'iiri/ Hugh (patron'mingly). "WHY, DOBA ! LOKO FKocKS, Kit'! GHOWN rp, I DECLARE!"
Sharp Little Dora. "WHY, HIGH ! MOUSTACHES! GROWN coic.v, I DECLARE!"
bus, or spending an assiduous afternoon
in the Library of the British Museum,
one has felt a very pronounced Puce
oneself. We will not range further
round the palette, though Cadmium and
Mars Yellow and Mummy suggest possi-
bilities, except to inquire if the ingenious
lecturer's audience saw any Hooker's
Green in his eve ?
IF the recent severe weather returns it
s confidently expected that the W'ee Frees
i-ill mir'i'iniiK tn tliA Crrffti Frnsts
LEGISLATION \ I.A DIABLE.— The Anti-
Ecclesiastical Hill in the French Chamber
is entrusted to M. DEVILLE ! It is to be
known in France as " The Deville Bill,"
and, translated into plain English, as
"The Deuce of a Bill ! "
A DISCLAIMER. We are requested to
state that the Mr. HAIII.ICK, of Biggies-
wade, who figured in the Hooley Trial,
and described himself as "a Minister in
a small way," is not a member of the
( ' f
303
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 7, 190-1.
DER TAUBADLER.
[This curious composite bird, combining the vocal qualities of a Dove
with the outward appearance of an Eagle armed to the teeth, is of pure
Teuton origin.]
SCENT, — A room In lite German Chancellerie. Count VON
BILLOW discovered improvis'iny to the air of GOETIIE S
" Kennst du das Land wo die Citronen blumen."
KNOW ye the land where the voice of the Kugle
(Beak, body and talons plate-armoured and spurred)
Has a note that is soft as the syrup of SEIGET. ?
0 say, have ye sampled that singular bird ?
An American Peace-Correspondent is announced. The
Chancellor, rapidly clearimj Ins revolver-pocket for action,
and readjusting an olire-twiij in his button-hole, receives the
Interriewer.
Mein Herr, it happens that you are come
On the very eve of Millennium.
Your choice of date is extremely happy,
Utopia being upon the lapis,
And all of us getting in train to wash
The blood from our hands iu the Huis-ten-Bosch.
Therefore in Peace's name I greet
You and your President. Take a seat.
Already our prophylactic arms
(Designed to modify War's alarms)
Pending the promised Hague Convention
Have lately enjoyed a slight extension ;
Small, but effective, this increase
Is a palpable guarantee of Peace ;
And the credit thereof I here assign
To our sisterly neighbours across the Rhine,
For, as we were throwing a friendly glance
( Iver the rival array of France
(Symbol, I need not say, like ours
Of a lasting Peace between the Powers),
We noticed that in this moral race
We were only holding the second place,
And accordingly stuck at no expense
In rectifying the difference.
Again, if you follow our naval schemes,
You '11 see how the Teuton bosom teems
With that desire for mutual love
Which characterises the turtle-dove;
And Malice alone would look to find
Ulterior aims concealed behind.
Have we not conquered worlds enough
As a dumping-ground for our home-made stuff ?
Have we not adequate work to do
In teaching the natives who is who
On various strips of Afrir's strand,
And similar hunks of Hinterland ?
i/n.' Ja ! Our passion for ruling the brine
Is based on a single and pure design —
To serve as a sort of Marine Police,
Patrons of Universal Peace !
Peace is a Beautiful Thing, young man,
And we must hold to it all we can,
Though the cost be heavy in fire and slaughter,.
Though blood and bullion should flow like water:.
Whatever in fact may be the price
We mustn't shrink from the sacrifice !
Happy the fate that Heaven has dealt
To the good philanthropist, ROOSEVELT,
Lord of a land remote from fear,
Set in a private hemisphere,
Where Peace, recalling the golden prime
(Save in the rush of Election-time),
Hovers by city and mine and ranch,
Armed with only an olive-branch !
Sundered by Ocean's thousand leagues
From the Old Diplomacy's dark intrigues,
lie wants no navy to guard his borders,
N'o weapon to -}\'lint ! " He 's issuing orders
For building a Meet, the best bar one,
And means to see that the thing gets done " 'i
The Jingo! what is his Eagle's game,
With its claws of steel and its eyes of flame,
Flaunting a banner of Stripes and Stars,
The Stripes all red, and the Stars all Mars ''
Is he taking a hand in Jap v. Russ,
Or is it conceivably aimed at Us ?
What ! " Meant for a guarantee of Peace,
In the ultimate hope that War may cease " ?
My friend, our Eagle's too old by half
To be caught by its own familiar chaff!
Yaiir bird's original claim? No, no !
Our fowl invented it years ago ! ( ). S.
THE REFORM OF PANTOMIME.
.Mn'ii has been written concerning the popular and well-
timed action of the Drtiry Lane management in turning l<>
the regular stage for the principal comedian in their forth-
•oming production of The White Cat. Many critics profess to
see in the engagement of Mr. JAMES WELCH evidence of a new
era in pantomime, and a closer connection with the legitimate
drama. If we mistake not, much the same idea was expressed
i n the reviews of a recent Shakspearian revival but we forbear
to add more upon this already tempestuous controversy. In
any case we heartily endorse the welcome which a contem-
porary extends to this movement towan Is a "greater semblance
of art-form " in pantomime. Indeed, should the idea catch
on, we confidently expect by January, 1900, some such
paragraphs as the following: —
Blue-Beard at the Adelphi continues to attract crowded
houses. Miss JANET Acumen has, if anything, improved upon
her rendering of the somewhat Ibsenish character of the youth-
ful wife. Mr. CHARLES CHARRINGTON is a forceful but restrained
Blue-Beard. Indeed the manner in which these two artists
play into one another's hands is a thing to revive memories
of The Doll's House. As Sister Anne (the part associated, if
we remember right, with the late Mr. DAN LENO in the pre-
ivformation days of pantomime) Miss DOROTHEA BAIRD gives a
performance full of daintiness and charm. It is announced
that in consequence of the tremendous emotional strain upon
Miss Acni'RCH the customary six matinees a week have now
been discontinued.
In the version of Robin Hood with which the Savoy will
shortly re-open, we understand that the author (The Rev.
FOIWKS PHILLIPS, Vicar of Gorleston) has assigned somewhat
unusual prominence to the character of Friar Turk. Mrs.
BKO \vx-PoiTER will of course be Marian, while, in the part of
the Baron, Mr. C. W. SOMERSET may be relied upon for another
of those masterly studies of aristocratic depravity with which
his name is associated.
It may safely be said that nothing that Mr. TKEE has yet
given us surpasses in splendour or artistry the magnificent
production of Aladdin, or the \\'<»iderful Lain/:, now running
at His Majesty's Theatre. The Abanazzar of the actor-manager
himself will rank as a worthy companion picture to his ZaliJ
and Svengali. As the Princess who renounces a throne to wed
her opulent but plebeian suitor, Miss OLOA NETHERSOLE is on
familiar ground. Mr. "ANGLESEY" makes a dashing figure of
Aladdin, at his best perhaps in the procession scenes, while a
delightful feature of the performance is Miss MARION TERRY'S
exquisitely pathetic rendering of the ]\'idow Ttcankey.
r.VCH. OR TIIK LOXDOyf'H \mv\iM DKwnwV. I'MM.
A PROFIT WITHOUT HONOUR.
OH) Ki.NO COAL
WAS A SOlilllii 01,1) SOUL,
AMD A SORDID OLD SOUL WAS 11F,:
HK SOI.D TO THK HUSS,
AND HK DIDNT CAKK A (TSS
AND THE BALTIC FLKF.T t'UossKD TIIK SKA.
DECEMPEU 7, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
40]
'| r
i-r
HINTS TO SPORTSMEN-AND OTHERS.
OR, THE CHANCES OF THE CHASE.
SlT WELL BACK OVER A DROP FENCE. A FRESHLY " HOGGED " MANE MAT PERMANENTLY SPOIL THE SHAPE OF TOfB NOSE.
FASHIONS FOR THE EMPIRE.
Vith Acknmdedgments to the " Daily Mail,"
Over-Seas Edition.)
BY LADY GWEN.
IN starting this column may I say to
my sisters all over the Empire that it
is my dearest aim to make it thoroughly
helpful and practical in the best sense ?
The needs of women in the Rockies
will be considered as well as those of
readers in Hong-Kong ; dainty dinner
toilets for the Sandwich Islands will be
carefully thought out, as well as riding
habits for the prairies. No pains will
be spared to make this article indispens-
ible to women all over the world.
Kirst, then, I have noticed a beautiful
Empire sown, in an exquisite eau-de-nil
shade, to be worn with a diamond star
on the left shoulder. The delicacy of ! I am afraid my space will not allow
the fabric makes it specially suitable for me to do more than just suggest a
hot climates, such as the interior of little toilette I saw at a Bazaar the other
Australia, the plains of Central India, or
the Islands of the Pacific.
Next I must mention a charming
velvet gown, adapted to colder climates.
It would be specially becoming to the
wife of a settler in Canada. The gown
I have in mind is so cleverly made that it
Could be worn either at Bridge parties
or as a visiting gown out of doors, with
day, which would be the very thing for
a Mission Station in Central Africa. The
foundation of the gown was a deep cream
cloth, which was entirely covered with
filmy lace of the kind so dear to our
great-grandmothers, and gathered in at
ihe waist with a mother-of-pearl buckle.
Dainty little I/ouis Quinze shoes of rose-
coloured morocco, with dear little
the addition of one of the fashionable mother-of-pearl buckles, completed
lace and fur passe-partouts which are very simple and sweet costume.
to be seen on every well-dressed woman. Next week I hope to have thought
The frock is carried out in a scheme of
deep ruby red, with an opal silk fichu,
threaded with pearls, to be gathered
lightly at the shoulders. If a chinchilla
muff and toque be added to this costume ,
the effect will be wonderfully smart.
out some special designs for Arctic
dinner frorks and opera cloaks, with
perhaps a few suggestions for toilettes
for Twelfth Ni^'ht parties in Patagonia.
, The Smart Set in Borneo may also be
sure that I have not forgotten them !
402
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
;]>E('EMIIKR 7, 1901.
LIFE'S LITTLE DIFFICULTIES.
V. — THE " PlED- A -TERIIK."
Mm. Torr t:> Mr. Cyril •'
The Kiir'ii'. \\'eliri/n.
Mns. TOKH present i lior compliments
to Mr. ASHLAR, and would b? very glad if
he would make out for her some simple
plans, in his charming characteristic
way, for ti small cottage in the country
which Mrs. Tomt is thinking of building.
To have some such pied-a-terre is so sweet.
The total cost should not be more than
£800. Mrs. TORR would like Mr. ASHLAR
to follow the lines of the cottage
which he designed for Mrs. PROLE, with
whom Mrs. Tom; is staying. It was, in
fact, Mrs. PROLE who gave her Mr.
ASHLAR'S name as the very best architect
for the purpose.
/!/)•. Aslilur to Mm. Tori'.
DEAR MADAM, — I shall be pleased to
make the designs which you suggest in
your letter, upon hearing from you with
regard to one or two points. In the first
place I must say that to follow the lines
of Mrs. I 'RULE'S cottage would not be
very easy, as you limit me to £800,
whereas Mrs. PROLE'S cottage cost £3000.
Again, I should like to know something
of the situation, whether on the flat or
on a hillside, and the nature of the
country — sand or chalk, for example.
Also the number of rooms. Perhaps it
would be as well if one of my clerks
were to come down to \Velwyn and talk
the project over before we proceed
farther. Awaiting your reply, believe me,
Yours faithfully,
CYRIL ASHLAR.
Mrs. Torr to Mr. Aslilar.
Sony's Hotel, Matlock.
DEAR MR. ASHLAR, — Your letter • is a
gre.it surprise to me. 1 had no idea
that cottages could be so expensive as
Airs. PROLE'S seems to have been ; nor
do I understand how so much money
was spent on it. I am sure my bedroom
was bare enough. 1 always thought
that cottages cost only a few hundreds.
It woidd be charming to see your clerk,
but at present I have nowhere to receive
him, being but a bird of passage, and
the situation of the little pled-a-terrc is
still undecided. I was thinking of
Norfolk, near Sandringham. Could you
not design a cottage that might be put
up just anywhere, on any soil, and then
when I had acquired the little plot we
could adapt here and there to suit the
case ? There should be three reception
rooms, six bedrooms (two with dressing-
rooms), and the usual offices. Of course
1 want a very sweet garden, but that
hardly concerns you.
Yours truly,
All ATI I A TORR.
.1/y.f. Tnrr In Mr. Axliltu:
Tin1 I ton- Coi<\ ]\'ei/hr'nlijc.
DEAR MR. ASHLAR, I have just come
lo this charming spot, where the country
seems literally packed with nice people
—Lord and L-.uly EIJI.INTON arc my
hostess's neighbours on the west, and
Sir MOKROWHY TEW on the east and I
really think I shall buy a little plot here,
on a southern slope, among the pine
trees. The resin is so helpful to my
asthma.
The house where I am staying has
very pretty white walls and green slates.
It was designed by Mr. SWALLOW. Don't
you think you could give me something
similar? Of course I think your system
of roofing very delightful, and all that;
but Mr. SWALLOW has certainly made a
very attractive little home, and that is
just what 1 want to check this grievous
desire of wandering. Yours truly,
A i ; ATHA TORR.
Mi: Ashlar to Mrs. Ton:
(Extract.)
.... Perhaps, if you admire Mr.
SWALLOW'S house so much, it would be
better if you were to employ him. . . .
Mr*. Torr to Mr. AMin:
" Ozonia," Bournemouth.
DEAR MR. ASHLAR,— How can you so
cruelly misunderstand ? I would not
employ Mr. SWALLOW for the world. It
is you, and you alone, who must design
me my little home. Your letter dis-
tressed me so much that I left ^Yeybpdge
at once and am now at Bournemouth.
After all, perhaps a cottage by the sea is
the true solution. My nerves are always
so much better by the sea. My friend,
Lady GORLY, has a little house here with
a very attractive bay window, with seats
in it, and a thatched roof. Please let
me have those for certain. I am going
at once to make inquiries about a plot.
Yours truly,
A<;\ni\ TOUR.
Mi: Ashlar in Mm. Ton:
(Extract.)
.... Only in a very secluded situa-
tion would thatch be desirable in any
case, and I do not care for it even
then. In order to have something to go
upon I am preparing plans of what I
consider a serviceable cottage of the kind
which you asked for in your first letter,
and these will reach you in a day or so ...
Mm. Ton- to Mr. Ashlar.
" Ozonia," Bournemouth.
DEAR MR. ASHLAR, -- -Chancing this
morning to meet Mr. TEREBINTH the p:vt.
he was terror-stricken to hear that I
intended to build. He spoke so feelingly
of the horrors of scaffolding and heap's
of bricks and mortar and the delights
of an old manor house- perhaps even
moated ! — to which a few alterations
could bo made, that I drove to the
station and bought Couiitri/ Life, and
have found in that the very thing I want.
I have written about it at once. So do
not go on with the plans. 1 am so much
obliged for all your kindness.
Yours very truly,
Acvi'HA TORR,
Mr. Ashlar to Mrs. Ton:
DEAR MADAM,— I regret to say that
your letter came too late to stop the
plans, which were posted to you last
night. Believe me,
Yours faithfully,
CYRIL ASHLAR.
Mrs. Torr to Mr. Aslilm:
Burkr'x Triralc Hotel.
Dorkiiu/.
DEMI Mn. ASHLAR, The cost of the old
hou.-e iii Kent is so prohibitive that I
am resolve I to go back to my original
idea, especially as a very interesting Irish
doctor who is staying here tells me that
old houses are always damp.
I like the plans very much, with two
or three exceptions. The front elevation
seems to me rather bare. What do you
sry to a turret at one end? I love little
rooms in turrets so medieval and
quaint, and 1 do not quite like the way
the kitchen leads out of the hall. Please
make these changes. I am inquiring
about a plot under Leith Hill, with a
wonderful southern view. The sea is
so very dreary in the winter.
Yours truly,
AGATHA TORR.
Mrs. Torr to Mr. Ashlar.
Hans Crescent Hotel, S.W.
DEAR MR. ASHLAR, — I have a splendid
idea, given me by Mr. HILARY the artist,
whom I met at luncheon here yesterday.
Not a turret but a loggia. You can
put it over the dining-room.
Yours truly,
AGATHA TORR.
Mrs. Torr to Mr. AMar.
Ifinix t'rexrriit Hotel, S.ll".
DEMI MR. Asm. MI. I have now finally
decided, on the advice of my brother-in-
law, whose judgment is very sound, to
pitch my tent near Bath, which he says
is both gay and healthy, and surrounded
by very attractive country. As this is
so far inland you could do away with
some of the length and lowness of the
cottage, which give it perhaps rather a
squalid air. The loggia 1 fear must
also go, as there are few prospects.
Yours truly, AGATHA TORR.
Mrs. Toil- to Mr. AMar.
Hotel Crosrenor, S.]V.
DEAU Mil. ASHLAR, Everything is now
DF.rF.MHKH 7, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
10.3
altered. Yesterday I received a proposa
from Dr. MURGATROYD, and returned an
answer in the affirmative; and as Dr
Mi'RfiAfROYi) proposes to travel on [the
Continent the need for the dear little
cottage which we have been discussing
in all this very pleasant correspondence
has now passed away. You have been
so very kind, and I am indeed sorry for
any trouble which my ignorance of such
matters as business and architecture
may have given you. My wedding is
next week. Yours very truly,
AGATHA TORR.
Brian Murgatroyd, M.K.O.8., to
Mr. Ashlar.
Cap Martin.
Dr. MURGATROYD wishes to say that in
the whole course of his professional
career he has never met with anything
so barefaced as Mr. ASHLAR'S letter to
Mrs. MURGATROYD, demanding fees for the
designs of a house that has never been
built, the very ground for which had
not even been bought. It will be time
enough for Mr. ASHLAR to send in his
bill when Dr. and Mrs. MURGATROYD
settle down in England and their house
is completed.
CUPID'S GUIDE TO LONDON.
["!£ in future every guide book l>e pro-
duced in the novel and entertaining style of
The Heal New York, a pleasure is in store for
the traveller. It is in the form of a novel. A
love theme runs through it." — Daily Paper.]
DEAR MR. PUNCH, — I have prepared a
guide book to London on the above
lines, in three volumes, and from the
first chapter, which I enclose for your
perusal, you will see that the interest of
the jaded sightseer is never allowed to
flag, and at the same time useful in-
formation is put before him in an attrac-
tive form. There are 365 chapters —
corresponding to the height of St. Paul's
Cathedral in feet (approx.).
CHAPTER I.
On a cool- grey morning in September
two persons might have been seen in
earnest conversation on the Thames
Embankment not far from Cleopatra's
Needle. What cared they, however, for
the famoiis obelisk (68ft. high), which
had stood for 1600 years at Heliopolis?
Of what interest was it to them that it
was presented to Great Britain by
MEHEMET ALI, and brought to London at
the expense of Sir ERASMUS WILSON?
No, Sir JOHN MASTERTON and ELEANOR
DEANE were quite oblivious to everything
but themselves.
" ELEANOR," he exclaimed passionately
through his clenched teeth, " ELEANOR,
I ask you once more, Will you be mine ?
Speak ! — by heaven, if I thought you
loved another " — here he bit his lips till
A SURE SIGN OF IMPROVEMENT.
Village Doctor. "WELL, Scnoaorxs, I HOPE YOUR WIFE is MUCH BETTER TO-DAY, EH? How is
IER PULSE, EH? AND HOW 's HER TEMPERATURE ? "
Scroggins (considering). "WELL, DOCTOR, I DON'T KSOW MITII ABOUT HER ITLSEP, BUT AS FOR
IER TEMPER "—(feelingly) — " SHE *8 QOT A PLENTY OF THAT TO-DAY ! "
the blood came again--"! would drag
you with me over yonder Waterloo
Bridge, which," he added with a forced
smile, as they passed a policeman, " as
you are doubtless aware, is the noble
work of JOHN RENNIE, and was built in
1811, and considered by CANOVA as the
noblest bridge in the world." Suddenly
changing his mind, or inspired with
some new idea, Sir JOHN hailed a
lansom, and half dragging, half pushing
ELEANOR into it, bade the man drive to
;he A.B.C. at the foot of Parliunu'iit
Street. Not a word is spoken on either
ide as they are borne swiftly past the
Embankment Gardens, above which the
Cecil and Saroy hotels'5 tower side by
side ; now they are passing New
Scotland Yard and are iinder the
shadow of the lofty Clock Toircr of
~ Good beds, and attendance.
\Ventiitiimter Palace (320 ft.), erected
by Sir CIIUII.K.S BARRY in 1840, and in
another minute the cab pulls up. Hand-
ing the cabman his legal fare (Is. the
first two miles and 6d. for each addi-
tional mile.- See Appendix, p. xxiii.),
Sir JOHN helped ELEANOR to alight, and
followed her to a marble-topped table in
the almost empty shop, for it was early yet.
" We can discuss things quietly here,"
he said. " Er two small teas and a
piece of sultana cake, please" this to
the attendant.
"There is nothing to discuss, Sir
JOHN," said ELEANOR coldly, looking
straight before her at the twin grey
towers of the ancient Abbey,
" That antique pile (as someone says)
AVhere royal heads receive the sacred gold."
(To be. continued.)
[Not liere ! — EDIIOI:.
404
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 7, 1904.
MR. PUNCH TO HIS READERS.
NEARLY five years ago Mr. Punch
—in whom children of all classes,
and especially the poor and' suffer-
ing, have ever found a friend— made
an appeal to his Readers on behalf
of a Children's Hospital in imminent
danger of having to close for want
of funds.
The response to that appeal was
so immediate and' so munificent as
to exceed his most sanguine expecta-
„ tions — but this, of course, would not
justify him in appealing again to his Readers' sympathies,
save in a case of equal, if not greater, necessity.
He thinks that such a case has now arisen : as he pleaded
then the cause of the Sick Children North of the Thames,
where the proportion of children's cots per head of population
is 1 to 3,500, so he pleads now for the Children of South
London, where the poverty is even greater, while the propor-
tion of cots per head is only 1 to 12,500.
The Belgrave Hospital for Children, Clapham Road, S.W.,
will be compelled to close its wards at the end of the current
year, unless the charitable public come to the rescue.
With the recollection of his Readers' splendid generosity
on the former occasion fresh in his mind, Mr. Punch feels
that he need add nothing to the above simple statement of
fact except a reminder that cheques should be made payable
to Mr. F. STUART, the Secretary of the Belgrave Hospital, and
crossed "BARCLAY & Co., Pall Mall."
QUEEN SYLVIA.
CHAPTER HI.
The Queens Speech.
THE Old, or King's, Palace of Hinterland is a massive and
gloomy building, with huge towers and battlements, set high
on a hill overlooking the capital city. Here lay the bodies
of King RICHARD and his three unfortunate descendants,
awaiting the hour when they should be conveyed to their last
resting-place in the ancient cathedral. All was quiet aboul
the Palace. A few curious spectators were gathered aboul
the great gates, gazing up at the royal standard which drooped
at half mast in the still November air, as if they might gathei
from its folds some explanation of the tragedy that hac
swept away at one fell swoop four members of the reigning
House.
It was not, however, to this Palace, but to the New, or
Queen's, Palace that SYLVIA was being conveyed in order tha
she might be saluted by her loyal subjects on her accession
to the Throne. Here all was bustle and animation. Militar
officers in splendid uniforms and courtiers in state costumes
were arriving in crowds and taking their places on th
terrace reserved for them. Great carriages were driving uj
with a clatter of gilded harness and setting down Duchesse
and Marchionesses and Countesses, and the massed bands o
several of the royal regiments of Guards were making musii
for the throng. The populace had, as tradition demanded
been freely admitted to the grounds of the Palace, anc
already they were gathered in a dense mass under th
balcony on which the new Queen was to appear. More an
more were constantly arriving and taking their stand at th
back of the throng already formed. Not many of ther
would be able to hear such words as SYLVIA might say, bu
all would be able to get a glimpse of her, and would tell th
story to their children and their children's children. Th
side pavements of the broad street through which SYLVI
was to pass on her way to the courtyard of the Palace wer
Iso packed with sightseers, and the hum of their voices rose
n the air.
" Well well," said an old woman in the crowd, addressing
n a general way those who stood round her, " so the old
Cine ; 's gone at last, God rest his soul. A good King he was
oo, and a kind on$. I mind one day I was walking m the
Broad Avenue and I met him, ah, as close as I am to you,
nd I bobbed him a curtsey, and ' God bless your Majesty
makes bold to say to him ; and he looks me straight in the
ace, and ' God bless you too,' he says, just like that.
"What's all the stir for?" said a bearded and broad-
houldered man, who had elbowed his way from the out-
kirts.
" You don't mean to say you don't know ? \\ hy, wherever
do vou come from? " said the old woman in astonishment.
"Fact is," said the bearded man, "I've been abroad for
number of years. Only landed this morning, and came
long here because everybody else seemed tO; be going this
ray. What 's up ? Is the King coming out ? "
" King ! " said the old woman. " There 's no King now,
,nd in a few words she told him what had happened.
The man listened eagerly, and, as she ended, his face lit up.
" But in that case," he said, " the King must be—
" Ah, it's easy to see you 've been abroad. There s no
King now, I tell you. A little girl 's come to be Queen.
SYLVIA they call her, and she's no bigger than a big doll,
hey say. Poor little thing, her father 's dead a matter of
en years ago, drowned at sea. A wild fellow, I 'ye heard
ell, but a handsome figure of u man. 1 miu<l him too—
ust about your size he was, but nobler looking of course.
" Are we to see the Queen '{ " said the man after a pause.
" Yes, that 's what we 've come" for. She 11 be out on that
jalcony, and we cauiall.take a good' dock, pooj- young thing."
At this moment a 'distant sound of cheering came up from
he street. It increased in volume, and grew nearer and
• She '11 be out in a
nearer.
"She's coming," aaid the old woman.
ninute."
As she spoke the two great windows in the Palace front
were flung open, and two gorgeously dressed trumpeters
advanced on to the balcony, blew a loud triumphant fanfare,
and retired again. A hush fell upon the crowd, and there
was a pause of a few moments. Then through flie open
windows came SYLVIA, and slowly mounted the steps that
led to the top of the balustrade, until she stood alone on the
top step and looked shyly down upon the wide expanse of
upturned faces. She was dressed in simple white. A
splendid gold chain, thickly crusted with jewels, was thrown
about her shoulders, and in her breast nestled a beautiful
red rose. Her fair hair rolled and rippled down her back,
and the sun, which had been busily chasing the Novembe
mists away, broke out in glory and shone upon her.
The crowd gazed in perfect silence for a few seconds, anil
then burst out into a frenzied shout of welcome.
Now you know as well as I do that no royal person of any
kind, least of all a Queen, has ever appeared upon a Palace
balcony in this fashion without having to make a speech.
There is no instance to the contrary in the history books, and
even the Queen of a great country like Hinterland could not
for a moment expect to be exempted from a rule which, as
the great historian, Archbishop FLUSIIKII, says, " is founded
not only in reason, but in the manifest desire of the people
who look not so much for great beauty or overpassing genius
in their rulers as for the ability to speak aptly on occasion.'
Therefore it was that SYLVIA held in her right hand a paper
on which the Prime Minister had in a fair large hand written
down a speech for the Queen. It was a fine speech, and i
touched eloquently on many high matters. Unfortunately
however, it was written in the books of Fate that this speed
should not be spoken, for in an incautious moment SYLVI.
DF.cK\ini-:R 7, 190k]
PUNCH, OR TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI.
in;,
IMIlllHillliuitlrfmmnmiM»i(iinnui1iuliUl|V
HER FIRST VISIT TO A POLICE-COURT:
Old Lady. " WHAT A VILLAINOUS-LOOKING MAM THE PRISONER is ! "
Friend. "HcsH! THAT'S NOT THE PRISONER. THAT'S THE MAGISTRATE!"
released her hold of the paper, and it fluttered down and
finally perched on the top of a sentry-box below.
SYLVIA'S mother, who stood' below her, saw the calamity.
"Speak, my darling," she said. "Say a few words to tliein
from your own sweet heart," and SYLVIA opened her lips and
said :
"God bless you all. I will do my best if you will help me
to do it."
It was shorter than the speech prepared by the Prime
Minister, and much less rounded in its periods, but it went
straight home to the people. Those who heard it cheered
ike mad, and then repeated it to others, until everyone knew
t, and everyone cheered.
The old woman turned to the bearded man: "It makes
my old heart ache with joy to see her pretty face," she said.
"Ay," said the man, with a deep sigh, "she's the sweetest
ass in the world."
Physician, heal thyself!
FROM the Chronicle :
"The artistic search for the 'mot juste' is not always attended with
raccess ; but that the fraraers of public notices should so often fail to
ay what they mean is perhaps more surprising. A printed bill
advertising an eighteenpenny dance on the notice boards o£ a provin-
:ial town hall, last week, wound up, for instance, with the curious
miuunceinent, ' Dress optional.' "
Mr. Punch never remembers to have actually danced (at
jighteenpence or any other price) on the notice board of a
provincial town hall, but if he ever so far lost his sense of
lecorum, he would probably also be indifferent as to the
.ecency of his apparel.
"Gentlemen in Reduced Circumstances."
WANTED, Clod's Oorxl Man, also The Prodigal Son ;
must lie cheap and clean. — Advert, in " The I<a<ly."
Geneva-on-Sea.
ACCORDING to the J)<iih/ Mini, the Geneva correspondent of
the Paris Herald says that certain "American warships,
which have arrived at Gibraltar from Genoa, reported having
experienced severe weather in Switzerland." This was in
the ordinary Jtnili/ Mail, not the Half Seas Over Pxlition.
A Chapel of Ease.
THI-: need of a portable meeting-house has long been felt
by itinerant preachers. Whatever difficulties stood in the
way would seem to have been overcome by Mr. EVAN' RonF.iiTS,
the Welsh Kevivalist, if we are to believe an 7i'.r/<ni.«
correspondent who telegraphs from Porth, as follows: — "It
was in a quaint, old-fashioned Gothic chapel, with stone
walls a yard thick, that KVA\ Rowcitrs drove through the
drizzle of the afternoon."
A coisiiKsiHixiiKNT sends ns a cutting of the following adver-
tisement, which might very easily cause pain in Government
circles :
"ADMIRALTY AKD OTHER OFFICIAL? WANTED."
We hasten to explain that this does not appear in the Pal'irc
/.VnVir (the organ of the 1'orce), but in the litiznur, under
the general heading of " Stamps."
406
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 7, 190-1.
JOHK TWNDI.EV of Peckham was touring
in the' Provinces this year.
Dr. YORK DAVIES' advice to those who
would keep warm in the cold weather is
to eat plenty of suet dumplings. The
burning of country mansions which has
been tried lately is undoubtedly crude
and unsatisfactory, and we fancy many
persons will give 'Dr. DAVIES' suggestion
a chance.
( irave. disappointment has been caused
among the public by the fact that the
ivrommendat.ions to barbers issued by
Dr. ('OI.I.INC.KIIK;K, with a view to safe-
guarding the public health, contain no
proposition that the barbers shall avoid
depressing their customers by pointing
out the state of the weather to them.
Glasgow Corporation is considering
a scheme under which all Glasgow's
inebriates are to be banished to the
island of Shuua. The chief objection
is on the ground of overcrowding. The
island is only 3 miles in length and
about 1A in breadth.
The Admiralty has denied the allega-
tion thai II. M.S.' >'mi/./«r ran down the
steamer 1 nrcrini, which is missing. As
a matter of fact, as the Admiralty points
out, at the time when the accident is
supposed to have happened, H.M.S.
>'/<(//I/«T was practising collisions at
Dundee, and successfully rammed the
dock there.
According to the /,<«///* }'i<-l<irl<il.
there are signs thai the pretence of bore-
dom with everything is passing away,
and it is just now rather smart to be
easily amused. \Ve wondered why
several serious journals had rec/ntly
started humorous columns.
EXPLAINED.
Amitie (explaining morning manoeuvres of His Majesty's Life Guard* on their imy to relieve
guard at WhiteltaU). " DON'T YOU SHE? THERE 's TWO, AND THEN THERE 's ONE, AND THEN THERE 's
THE WHOLE LOT— ANT' THEN THERE'S ciXE, AND THEN THERE'S TWO MORE ! "
[Youthful \/i'ee sees.
CHAR1VA1UA.
IF ever a Continent needed patience it
is Eiirope. " The interests of Europe,"
according to the Sret of St. 'Petersburg,
" demand the immediate destruction of
Japan."
While feeling compelled to decline the
request made by the Zemstvos for the
granting of a Constitution, the C/AH has
been graciously pleased, as a concessi ,11,
not to send those who made the request
to Siberia.
A cabman is sailing from Tasmania to
claim a baronetcy. We do not wish to
prejudice his case, but we have heard
before now of cabmen claiming more
than they are entitled to.
Automobile dust-carts, says the Mal'm,
are to be used in Paris henceforth. We
had thought every motor-car was this.
A statistical return shows that, last
October, Londoners consumed 3,318 tons
of meat less than in the same month of
the previous year. If we mistake not,
A love of sweets would seem to be
innate in every child. " Save mother !
leave me," cried a little girl of twelve,
when being rescued from a fire at her
mother's confectionery shop in Hull.
Happily, wiser couu.-els prevailed, and
both were i-aved.
Those individuals who insist on then-
right to boo at a play which they do
nut like are said to be contemplating
the formation of a club. Suggested
title : The Hooligans.
Every now and again one realises
how ignorant one is. We learn from
the Daily .Mail that, owing to an innova-
tion in advertising introduced by that
journal, "Monday has now become
known throughout the country us
Ladies' Day."
General satisfaction is being ex] ressed
PUNCH. OR TITK LONDON ril.MilVAm DB-KMUKU 7, 1'IOf.
A TALL OEDEB.
GKKJIAX EAGLE (to DOVE OF PEACE). " TEACH ME HOW TO COO ! "
["The German Empire will continue to pursue the policy of peace which has commended itself for more than thirty years. To this
end a strong and efficient army, ready for instant action, is now as much as CUT necessary."
Mi'iiiiimnilum attached to the ». ir Barman Army Hill. Vulc " 'I inn'*," November 20.]
DECEMBER 7, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
>-'. ;.
- "
»|JAPSKi PROoPEKT-
-iL^L^i
IF THE RUSSIANS WERE TO CONQUER JAPAN.
(HoW THEY VfUUW EX'JUY THEMSELVES IS ToKI
at the superb optimism of Mr.
PAUTRIDGE who, in his drawing, in Mr.
Punch's Almanack, of the Seasons robing
the New Year, has depicted a garment
which is obviously not a mackintosh.
The Oxford Congregation lias refused
to abolish Greek as a compulsory subject.
Apparently it is not yet realised by the
older generation, as it is by the younger,
that learning of any sort interferes with
Sport.
The Liverpool Watch Committee has
recommended the City Justices to pro-
vide a children's Police Court. We
understand that this pretty idea is to be
carried out most thoroughly and con
sistently, and that not only are the
prisoners to be children, but also the
Magistrate, the Court officials, the Police,
and the representatives of the Press.
RONDEAU.
["I want to make you ln-ultlii/, for health
means happiness. I want to show you hoiv to
get the most out of life. Will not you give me
an opportunity of doing so ? "- - Aili-l. uf Mr. /•,'.
Milex in " Westminiiter (luzi'llc."]
I 'M used to smiles, the Daily Press
Expounds my methods more or less
Correctly — rather less than more —
Till now my name provokes a roar
Of laughter, why I cannot guess.
The scoffers cause me no distress,
They did at first, I must confess —
But now their gibes I can ignore,
I 'm used to smiles !
I live on nuts and watercress,
'/'//«/ is the secret of succ.
May I show you the open door
To health by which, you set such store
Just send a card to my address,
I'm EUSTACE MII.I - !
"Small by degrees and beautifully
less "
"THE oi,TK.u!K ny THE BALTIC
FLEET ON BRITISH FISHING BOATS,
nt first in staring capitals, lias now
dwindled down to a mild heading--
"THE NORTH SEA ISI-IW;ST."
"\K\!! \< \ Toi niKit." Among the
.Members of the Cambridge Senate en-
gaged in the discii-^ion on the "general
utility business" of (1 reek, appears the
name of "ProfesMir AU.WTT." How
significant of an education just wanting
-•omething. say Greek for example, to
make it perfect ! A Professor ALLWIT
;an never be Professor Perfect, but
mist always remain " M. Le Professeur
V /'< a /'(•(•*."
410
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 7, 1901.
THE "SEPARATE COMPARTMENT" PATRIOT.
(Quite an Imaginary Character, of eourw/)
COMPARTMENT THE FIRST : PATRIOTISM.
In the Cardiff Express. TIME— Early Autumn, 1904.
The Patriot (to a fellow-traveller). Mark my words, Sir,
Germany is our worst enemy ! Look at the way she 's been
openly assisting Russia, ever since this war began ! . . . .
How ? Why, in every way, Sir ! Hasn't the KAISER con-
stantly been sending friendly messages to the TSAR? Isn't
there an understanding between them at this moment which
enables Russia to reduce her garrisons and remove the big
guns in all the fortresses along the frontier ? And didn't the
KAISER secretly encourage the Port Arthur Fleet to break out
and make for Kiao-Chow, a German port, mind you ? . . .
"Where did I see that?" In the papers, Sir. Don't you
call that scandalous and disgraceful in a nation that is
supposed to be neutral? I do-— and I think we ought to
take some strong measures, too. Germany wants to see Japan
beaten, Sir, because she 'a our ally. Germany knows well
enough that Japan 's fighting our battle as well as her own !
It would be a bad day for us if Japan got the worst of it.
Luckily, she succeeded in getting the command of the sea
from the start, and, so long as she keeps that — . . . "The
Baltic Fleet?" Why, you don't suppose they really mean
sailing, do you ? . . . Oh, of course if they ever did get as
far as Vladivostock, it would be awkward for Japan, —
very awkward. But how are they going to do it? They 'd
want constant supplies of coal — and where are they to get it
from? They couldn't coal at any neutral coaling station.
Even Germany wouldn't dare to commit such an outrageous
breach of neutrality as that! Besides, the only coal that
would serve for a long voyage of that sort is our Welsh
smokeless steam coal, Sir, and I should just like to know
how they 're going to get it ! I speak as a coal-owner in
rather a large way myself, so I know what I 'm talking about.
And I tell you, it 's impossible — perfectly impossible — -for the
Baltic Fleet, if ever it starts, to get a fifth part of the way to
the Far East. You may take my word for that. And a very
fortunate thing for our plucky little ally that it should be so.
As I said before, as long as she keeps the command of the
sea ! . . .
CoMPARTMENf THE SECOND: BUSINESS.
The Patriot's Office. Later, on the same day.
The Patriot (to his Partner). Well, what do you think
about it? ... We don't get such an order as this every day.
. . . It means a big profit. . . . And they offer cash on
delivery, I see. Only thing is — who is this German or
Dutchman who wants all this amount of steam coal, and
what does he want it for'? ... Of course if I thought for a
single moment it was intended for the Bal — well, as you say,
it 's no business of ours who the real consignees are. . . .
We may have our suspicions —but, after all, we know nothing.
And the Law is on our side. Yes, I see no reason myself
why we should decline. If we don't supply 'em, others will,
you know. . . . No, better cable an acceptance of the contract
at once — or we may lose it.
THE NOT IMPOSSIBLE SEQUEL.
TIME— May, 1905.
The Patriot (meeting a friend in the street^. Serious news
this from Japan, eh? I've always maintained' that, if that
Baltic Fleet once managed to get out to the Far East, it would
put a very different complexion on the situation. TOGO'S fleet
was so much the inferior in numbers, you see. And now it
appears he lias lost the command of the sea ; can't imagine
how he could have been so careless ! Looks as if Japan will
have to sue for Peace before long now. Most unfortunate —
especially for us ! It 's my firm belief that Germany is at
the bottom of it all ! She's always been our worst enemy.
However, we must keep a good heart. As SHAKSPEARE says
in one of his plays :
" Naught shall make us rue
Jf England to itself do rest but true."
Fine poet, SHAKSPEARE — real patriotic ring about those lines,
eh ? F. A.
A NOTABLE REVIVAL.
" WHAUR'S your WVLLIE SHAKSPEARE noo?" To which old
question the present answer is, "At the Adelphi, showing at
his liveliest in farcical comedy, set before us in the best
modern manner." The rough-and-tumble business essential
to the old Elizabethan farcical comedy, which, in its most
exaggerated form, delighted Boisterous BESS or Slobbering
.IAMIK, is here reduced to an artistic minimum. Mr. OSCAR
ASCIIE, acting as Petruchio and also as stage-manager responsi-
ble for the entire production, has ordered the scenes that used
to be a mere romp, a series of pantomimic " spill-and-pelt,"
in so admirable a manner, that what might have been resented
by a modern audience as a superfluity of horse-play, is now
received with heartiest and truly appreciative laughter, the
curtain being raised three and four times, after every Act, in
response to most enthusiastic applause.
It is a brilliant performance. Mr. OSCAR ASCIIE is a fine
actor: bis Christopher Sly, the drunken travelling tinker of
the prologue, is a striking rendering of a small part that
might be so brutally burlesqued. As to his Petruchio, it is
simply perfect; he is the youthful madcap, a gentleman
thoroughly at his ease, the most equal-tempered yet determined
husband, and, above all, he is the most tender lover. His victory
over the shrewishness of his very young wife would lie still
more effective than it is, had Nature added another couple of
inches to her stature. As to Miss LILY BRAYTON'S Katnriiui,
we are far from convinced that, to adapt the well-kn nvn line,
"This is 'the Shrew' that SIIAKSPKAHE drew,"
seeing that Sweet WILLIAM was compelled to write the
heroine's part to suit such a boy-actor as appears in the role
of The lM,dy, in the Induction, who has to pretend she is wife
to the bemused Christopher Sly. But whatever SIIAKSPKAIIE'S
ideal of Katarlna may have been, for ourselves we can desire
no more charming representative of the part, when played
to Mr. OSCAR ASCHE'S Petruchio, than Miss LILY BRAYTON.
One can see that she, still so very young, is but a spoilt child
with a temper: and Petruchio tames her as RARKY tamed
the savage Cruiser. Miss LILY BRAYTON brings the house
down when, the fortress being reduced by starvation, she
exclaims with all the petulance of a very naughty, obstinate
girl in a nursery, "I want my dinner! " Whether this line is
in the text or not, it suits the situation, and tells immensely.
And then how charming is the tableau on which the
curtain descends at the end of the Third Act, when, practi-
cally conquered, wilfully irritating Kate, hungering for food
and for sympathy, bursts into tears, and throws herself
sobbing into her husband's arms. Then, when the curtain
is raised to enthusiastic calls, Petruchio, gazing lovingly on
Katarina, is seen helping her to some mess or other, which
she is eagerly devouring out of a wooden bowl. The situa-
tion, as rendered by these two clever actors, is just on the
borderland 'twixt laughter and tears. The charm of Mr.
ASCHE'S Petruchio lies in his gentle firmness, his great pity,
and his imperturbable good humour.
Miss PAMELA GAYTHORNE is a charming Bianco, and every
individual is good in a very full cast. We shall be much
mistaken if this exceptionally delightful revival of SHAKSPEAHI.'S
old farcical comedy is not in for a long run at the Adelphi.
At all events, on its present imdoubted success Mr. and Mrs.
OPCAR ASCIIK are to be sincerely congratulated.
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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 7, 1904.
ANY PORT IN A STORM.
IT is I;OOR BROWN'S SECOND TIME OUT ON HIS MOTOR, AND HE HAS A PARTICULAR DREAD OF DQOB.
A DULDITCH PALACE.
THE "PiG AND WHISTLE" AS A HEALTH
RESORT.
.This article ims compiled by a
member of the advertising staff
of " Punch," who, in the pursuit
of authentic, information, has
gone fhe Wiole " Pig and
\\~hiatle."] I
MR. GEORGE WYNDHAM, in his fascinating i
rectorial address on the Development of :
the State, has lifted up his voice against,
the demoralising effect on the national
fibre of cosmopolitan restaurants. The
protest was timely, but mere destructive
criticism will not suffice. What we want
to know; is not merely what we must
avoid, but' what we must pursue. The
habit of 'dining at home, tending as it
does to monotony, depression, immobility
and other "distressing sequelae., has long
been discredited by the best hygienic
authorities1, from ^Escui.Anus to EUSTACE
MILKS. Decentralisation, combined with
a due regard for native enterprise, is the
true remedy for dyspepsia. And how
can these conditions be more completely
fulfilled than by a daily resort to the
" Pig and Whistle " at Dulditch '?
Bacteriologists have conclusively
shown that the atmosphere in that
suburb is richer in pathogenic organisms
than any 'other quarter of the United
Kingdom, but lung food is only the
least of the advantages attained In-
frequenting the "Pig and Whistle."
As I have shown in a previous article
the oleomargarine employed at the " Pig
and Whistle" is richer in train oil than
that used at any other English hostelry,
the room in which the "ordinary" is
served is more lavishly sprinkled with
sawdust, the beer more profusely forti-
fied with glucose, the sherry more fiery,
the water, drawn from a pump erected
in the reign of CHARLES II., less conducive
to excessive indulgence in non-alcoholic
stimulants. The inn itself, which has
a splendid north aspect, and can be
reached by the village fly in about an
hour and a quarter from the nearest
station, has lately been refurnished in
the most recherche rococo style. Several
fine German chromolithographs have
been added to the advertisement calen-
dars of neighbouring grocers on the
walls of the dining-room. The chairs
are now thoroughly reliable, and when
suddenly moved on the brick floor
produce a most agreeable resonance.
The bagatelle board is the finest in the
county, the set of celluloid dominoes
are much admired, and a sofa, hand-
somely upholstered in American cloth,
is a further engaging feature. I ought
also to say that the pack of cards
has recently been renewed, and very
few are now missing.
The parlour also contains a small but
j select library, in which, among other
works, may be noted some back numbers
I of the Strand Magazine, BHUTAN'S Ho?j,
}\'nr. Under Two Flays, and a Coiii/'li'ti
Furrier. On a side .table is a very
chaste thing in wax flowers and fruit.
But enough has been said to show
that the authorities of the "Pig and
Whistle " have spared no expense or
! thought to make it representative of tin
best traditions of Dulditch.
So much for the mere husk of the
nostel. We come now to its soul — the
kitchen. Ah, the kitchen !
Here be none of your Frenchified
kickshaws and made dishes, but good
honest solid British and Colonial pro-
duce cooked in the antique English
style. The Yorkshire pudding is a
miracle of tenacious endurance, extra-
ordinarily rich in gluten, and of so close
a texture that a guest assured me that
one wet day, when his boots were far
from waterproof, he successfully caulked
a large hole with a wad of this unique
culinary product. Fancy attempting to
do this with a French omelette or
souffle! The suet dumplings, again, are
superbly constructed ; pre-Myceniean or
early Minoan, as Dr. ARTHUR EVANS
teaches us to say, in their massive and
monumental solidity. The degeneracy
of the race is nowhere more lamentably
shown than in its imperfect dentition —
the result, in turn, of a preference for
soft and over-cooked food. At the "Pig
and Whistle" molars, incisors and eye-
teeth alike are afforded splendid prac-
tice from start to finish of the menu.
This in itself should pack the house.
Let us now consider a dinner at the
"Pig and Whistle," which will effec-
tually fill the time that might, in the
sordid and unhealthy capital, be spent
in the foetid air of the theatre, but
which at, Dulditch will keep the diner
from the company of the tap-room. The
distance from the sea and the rail pre-
cludes fish. But what so dangerous as
fish? Think of the periodical oyster
scares, and be happy to be so far from
temptation. Here is a specimen menu,
which can be made by the discreet guest
to last from 7 till 10.30, or, with care,
even till 1 1.
A " PIG AND WHISTLE " DINNER, LASTING
FROM 7 TILL CLOSING-TIME, WITH THE
VERY MODERATE PRICES ATTACHED.
8. d.
Sardines or Pickled Walnuts 0 2
Oxo 0 3
Sardines (double portion) 0 4
Liver and Bacon 0 9
Cauliflower 0 3
Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding 1 0
Sausages and Mashed 0 6
More Sausages and Mashed 0 6
Still more Sausages and Mashed... 0 0
One more Sausage 0 3
Prunes and l\ice 0 4
( 'heese and Watercress 0 3
Coffee Extract 0 4
Beer with meal 0 8
Whisky after Coffee Extract 0
Another whisky 0
Another whisky 0 3
Another whisky 0
Waitress 0 6
Village Doctor 5 0
During the same time in London one
',: [ffl B 7. 11)01. ']
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CIIAKIVARI.
413
would have spent V.-, ami seen some
dreadful " tomfoolery."
Personally I do not less like the " Pig
and Whistle" " ordinary " because one
meets there all sorts and conditions of
men. I have seen there, from time to
time, a cab-proprietor who once stroked
the Oxford eight, and an organ-grinder
whose lingua Toscana had lost some of
its pristine purity during his long
sojourn in our bleak clime. When I
hailed him in TENNYSON'S sonorous lines,
"I salute thee, MANTOVANO," his eyes
gleamed with
pleasure, and his
genial smile
proved that what-
ever may be true
of the Italian-
ate Englishman,
the converse does
not hold good of
the Anglicised
Italian. A more
frequent customer
is an expatriated
Polish wood-
carver with an
unpronounceable
name, now en-
gaged in repairing
the Dulditch pul-
pit, whose skill
with the knife is
by no means con-
fined to his pro-
fession. I have
seen him to all
intents and pur-
poses swallow it
in the green-pea
season. In short,
the company at
the "Pig and
Whistle " is as
stimulating as the
fare, and never
since I was laid
up with gastric
fever before Liao-
yang have I en-
joyed such unique dietetic, experiences
as those furnished by this admirable
hostelry.
"FIFTY YEARS OF FLEET
STREET."
IN his preface to the "Life and Recol-
lections of Sir JOHN ROBINSON," published
under the above title, Mr. F. M. THOMAS,
whilst stating that the long-time Manager
of the Daily News did not leave a volume
of memoir's intended for publication,
adds: "He did, however, leave some
diaries more or less fragmentary and a
number of thick, closely-written volumes
of jottings in his own handwriting de-
x-r-'tive of events of which he had been
an eve-witness, and [of] people he had
seen and known. ... 1 have not
thought it necessary or desirable to
indicate in all cases what is his and
what is my own.'
Reviewing the Ixwk, Tonv, M.P., com
mented upon this certainly im\rl
probably misleading -- method' of pre-
|iariiig a biography, and asked why the
"jottings" were not given as written.
Since the notice was published, Mr.
Punch has received assurance that "the
jottings alluded to were intermittent
and were rarely dated. That Sir JOHN
The Kaiser to his Chancellor.
.'M' /M'Triixr "/ '/((' < n'i'ni'i it .timi/ )
M\s wants but little here, Hi'l.ow,
Hut wants that little strong.
DESHABILLE.
Tommy. " On, MAMMA, DO COME ! HERE 's A EFELANT wiv ONLY
I NV i:\lloN OF A St'PERMAKIXE BOAT. — It
looks as if the prophecy of the genii.
man in Locksley Hall who foresaw "the
nations' airy navies grappling in tin-
central blue" was going to be fulfilled
sooner than we hoped. The Kern*^
of Gmiind in Wiirtemberg announced a
few days ago that
the Herman stea-
mer //i/m, which
has been sold to
Russia, is to be
used as a "
balloon"
A LAST \Voiu>.
A French corre-
spondent writes
to say that the
question "Do we
get our deeerts ? "
lias been solved
once and for all
by M. JACQUES
LF.BAUDY, who has
got the Sahara.
QUESTION AT A
CLASSIC EXAM. -
Who among the
most famous
Greek philoso-
phers owed the
name he bore to
excelling at a cer-
tain game of foot-
ball then, as now,
much in vogue ?
— Socceratea.
Ad Pocketum.
HERE is a gem !
And it will make
its owner appear
brilliant t<x>! EYIIK
HIS INSIDE ON ! "
ROBINSON left ample materials for a
biography is simply untrue."
TOBY, M.P., had at the time of writing
no knowledge of the subject beyond the
definite statements quoted' in the
biographer's own words. He regrets
that, accepting them in their ordinary
sense, he received, and conveyed, au
impression of Mr. THOMAS'S literary
methods which turns out to have been
erroneous.
To a Bore.
MY prosing friend, I sometimes sigh
To read of merry days gone by —
Days when the " bore's head " used to l>e
Served on a dish of rosemary.
Some men are born an age too late
Such dishes being out of date.
AND SPOTTISWOODK'S Jfoytil /V.-Av/ Ihnrij
(i ml Engagement Book for 1905. Not only
can you note in it the date of your dinner
engagements, but you can also shine in
Society if you learn by heart and repeat,
on occasion, quotations from " Poetical
Readings" selected for that particular
day. Let the talented compilers follow
this up with pocket puns, jokes for every-
day, and so forth. If the sale be enor-
mous, the jokes may clash, and of five
wits, guests at the same dinner party,
only the first to utter his joke will be
able to score.
PHOBAHI.E EXEMPLIFICATION OF PROVERB.
—"Just in time to be too late" the
Baltic Fleet.
414
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 7, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
MESSRS. MACMILLAN have just issued a cheap and dainty
edition of Alice in Wonderland, illuminated with the
deathless illustrations of our dear TENNIEL. Having read it
again with fresh delight, my Baronite by chance next took
up a more portly volume describing the experiences and
impressions of Uganda's Katikiro in England (HUTCHINSON).
Many of us saw, some conversed with, the emissary of the
boy King of UGANDA when he was here during the Coronation
festival. He was accompanied by his Secretary HAM MUKASA,
to whom we are indebted for the narrative. Written in his
native tongue, it is translated by the Rev. ERNEST MILLAR, a
missionary resident in Uganda. HAM is a keen observer,
with a retentive memory and much literary faculty. Mr. MILLAR
has accomplished his task admirably, making no fatuous
attempt at improving upon the artless simplicity of the negro
suddenly plunged into the vortex of Western life. The happy
result is that we have a book curiously like LEWIS CARROLL'S
masterpiece. In Wonderland Alice came across nothing more
marvellous than what HAM MUKASA beheld with shining eyes
between the May day in 1902, when he left his native country,
and the September morning on which he returned after four
months' whirl through Western civilisation. His talk about
the things he saw is delightfully like the prattle of an intelli-
gent child. The ship he first voyages in is seven storeys
high. It has roads like the roads of a town. There are
rooms for the rich and the poor. The screw makes a noise
like the vibration of an earthquake. The sea is like a hill.
You first see the smoke of a distant ship ; then as it comes to
the top of the hill you see the masts. When you get near
you see all the ship. Nothing struck HAM more than the
London crowd. " One would think," he says in a striking
sentence, " they had no place of their own, and were busy
walking up and down." He went to "the House [of Commons']
where they : talk over matters, and saw a great many Chiefs
debating in the place where they debate about their Govern-
ment, which brings peace in their country and in the
countries of others." This was after the Boer War. Our
visitor from a remote corner of Africa was much impressed
with what he more than once calls " the marvellous English ! "
"If," he writes, "any man could stand in the track of a
railway train and stop it from passing over him, or if he
could run his head against a mountain and pass through it,
such a man might check the power and glory of the English."
Not otherwise. At a time when some of our chiefs, in Parlia-
ment and out, assure us we are rapidly falling into decay,
these words are doubly precious.
" Few readers of that admirable story of school life,
Godfrey Marten, Schoolboy," writes Junior "Assistant Reader,
" will not welcome the opportunity of renewing his acquaint-
ance, as they may now do in Qftffrey Marten, Undergraduate,
by CHAHLES TURLEY (HEINEMANN). They will be glad to
find him unchanged, except by a very few years, from the
boy of the previous volume ; with the same straightness,
enthusiasm, and contempt for 'slackers,' also the same
tendency to drift into harmless scrapes, and to accept the
consequences (in this book, fortunately, seldom more serious
than being gated for three weeks) of others' misdeeds. Here
is Martens characteristic description of a quarrelsome
family : —
"CoUIBB hail five brothers and four sisters, some of whom were
never on speaking terms with the others except at Christmas or a
birthday, when, from habit, they declared a truce. 'The truce is no
good,' COLLIER said to me when' he told me about it, 'because the oulv
thing that happens is that they change sides. I believe they pick up.' "
We part from him in the 'Varsity XI., with a second in History,
and apparently a career before him in the Foreign Office."
It is a very difficult task for any book-illustrating artist
to convey the true effect of proportion between Gulliver
and Lilliputians. Real human midgets, not as big as
your thumb, it is almost impossible to realise. To a great
extent these antecedent difficulties, in dealing with SWIFT'S
immortal work, have been overcome in a bright edition of
Gulliver's Travels, illustrated by S. B. DE LA BERE (A. & C.
BLACK), as will be perceived by reference to the illustration
on p. 112, " The Queen's dwarf became insolent."
* There is a charming story by Mrs. MOLESWORTH called The
Blue Baby (Messrs. W. & R. CHAMBERS). Excellent also is a
book of fairy tales, The Pedlars Pack, by Mrs. ALFRED BALDWIK.
The illustrations, by CHARLES PEARS, are capital in design and
colour. Nor must I omit Buster Brown, by R. F. OUTCADLT,
which is a sort of pictorial Bad Boy's Diary, and will, no doubt,
be much appreciated during the season of holiday mischief.
The Waters of Oblivion, a novel by ADELINE SERGEANT (JOHN
LONG), begins well, and thoroughly interests the reader u]> to
a certain point; and then, old and ordinary melodramatic
effects are lugged in, with, as it were, a strong lime-light
thrown on them from the wings. Verily the Baron was
disappointed. Yet is the story notable for the apparently
careful study of a young Anglican clergyman who, devoted
heart and soul to his parochial work, suddenly discovers ihat
he has fallen in love, irrevocably, with a charming young
lady barely nineteen, to whom the "model cleric passionately
declares, " You dominate me, heart, soul, and brain ! " — which
sounds bad for his professional work. Heal clergy in novels
disappeared with ANTHONY TROLLOPE. But, nowadays, who
reads Barchester Towers ?
A most original children's Christmas book is The Pillar
Box (FRED. WARNE & Co.). It is filled with post-cards, one
side of which is for short message and address, while the
other has an outlined picture to be coloured according to
given rules. Ornamental possibly ; messy perhaps ; useful,
practically.
If during the coming Yule-tide you wish thoroughly to
enter into the spirit of the season, procure a good tumblerful
of creature-comfort, steaming, with a trifle of powdered nut-
meg in it, some thin lemon peel and a grain of stigar, place
it on a small stand beside your old arm-chair; in which you
will have comfortably deposited yourself, and while gently
inhaling the Virginian fumes in the presence of a cheerful
Yule-log fire commence reading the Ghaut 8tories of an
Antiquary, by M. R. JAMES (ARNOLD), and the Baron warrants
him that out of that chair you will not be in a hurry to stir
until you have finished the book. On rising to retire to
bed, say, when the clock is striking the hour of midnight.
you will be heartily glad of a brave companion, who will
assist you in ascertaining that all bolts and bars are scn<[m-
louily fastened, that all doors are locked, that there are //«
weird arms coming out from behind any curtains anyirJiere ;
also that all the lights are carefully extinguished, that there
is no Thing (ugh!) waiting for .
you in your bedroom (let, your THE HIBf KARON
friend enter with you, so that
he may satisfy himself of tliis1!,
and that your door and shutter-
fastenings are, every one of
them, secure. And let all the
tellers of supernatural tales
take example from this Anti-
quary, and never, on any pretence
whatever, attempt to account
naturally for what ought to
have been, even if it icasu'l,
supernatural. DE ^*t&J±£?r B.-W.
DECEMBER 14, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
415
SOLVING A GEOGRAPHY PROBLEM.
Uncle. "Now, TOMMY, SUPPOSE YOU WERE LIVING IK SOLTH AFRICA, AND TOU WANTED TO GET TO ENOUND, WHAT WOPLD rot; no FIRST?"
Tommy. "PACK IT! "
REFORM.
TIME was when there were few more vile than I,
Few (though I speak) that deeper plunged in crime,
Few that have had so lamentably high
A time.
It were a fruitless labour to relate
The shocking details of my grim career,
My tastes were Awful, and my moral state,—
Oh dear !
To virtuous appeal my heart was shut ;
Blithely I swaggered on the downward track ;
I must have been the hardest sort of nut
Toerack.
But now— oh Love, oh sovereign power of Love !
DELIA has raised my thoughts to nobler aims ;
I have reformed ; I have a soul above
Those games.
I hardly ever stay out late at night ;
Cards are a thing I very rarely touch ;
I seldom smoke— that is to say, not quite
So much.
My temper, though notoriously short,
Has lost its tendency to run amok •
I am as one with whom a child could sport
(With luck).
Also I have acquired the Art of Song
That never dreamed I had a turn that way ;
Tenor, I '11 trouble you !
And rather strong
On A.
Sometimes I sing and sing for hours on end
Songs all of Love — and I should sing much more
But for the person (whom I once called friend)
Next door.
Ah, 'tis a goodly change ! Three moons agone,
Ere I had cravings for a higher bliss,
Who would have thought that I should carry on
Like this?
And you, O DELIA, pearl of maidenhood,
For whom, through whom, th' Awakening began,
See my amendment ! Am T not a good
Yoting man ?
It was for you, 0 DELIA, that I turned
This new leaf over ; 'tis to you I bring
This offering; for you that t have learned
To sing.
I hope I have not spent my time in vain ;
And when you see how greatly I Ve improved,
DELIA, I trust that you will imt remain
Unmoved.
That, when in honeyed accents 1 con'
My seemly passion, you, with answering glow,
Will, for the sake of decency, say, Yes,
Not No ! • Dt-M-Di'M.
JIG
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
DB I.MUKI: 14, 1901.
JAM.
SCORN not its title's unassuming length
That slips so easily from off the tongue ;
Large virtues and a concentrated strength
On little pegs like this have often hung :
There is the Kirk called WEE,
There is the JAP, and GOG, and M.A.P.
Cow is a word identical in size,
And so is PIG ; yet their united fat
(Or what appeared as such to native eyes)
Smeared on a rifle cartridge— simply that,
Just that and nothing more,
Started the Mutiny at Barrackpore !
So much for padding ; now we reach the point,
Which is, that I would swear at any bar
That neither British beer nor beefy joint
Has made you, gentle reader, what you are,
Nor me the thing I am,
But our development is due to JAM.
Right antidote — with tea and buttered roll - •
Against the poisonous itch for worldly pelf,
It seems to permeate the very soul,
And I am only then my truest self
At moments when I gulp
Some preparation made from fruity pulp.
It is the labourer's joy : with this inside
Unto his sweetened task he sallies out,
Sustained by marmalade and manly pride ;
Nor all the bitters (blent, or not, with stout)
Which are his daily drink
Can quite undo the work of good Sir PINK.
It is the loafer's solace ; it allays
That tremulous feeling when a job of work
Forces itself on his revolting gaze
With an obtrusiveness too bold to burke ;
His nerves no longer wince
If fortified by guava or by quince.
And who is he that lets the acid drop
Into the general public's jar of bliss ?
IT/io caused the shortage in the sugar crop?
Who is responsible, I ask, for this ?
How will he meet the clamours
Uplifted by our horrified Free-Jammers ?
What though he claims that it was he who slew
The dragon Bounty in a Free Trade fight,
And argues how his famous Brussels coup
Could scarce be bettered by a Cobdenite ?
Jiidged by the price of Jam
His plea 's not worth a continental d — n.
For he has hurt his country's tenderest spot —
Her private stomach ; let but this expand,
And what is Empire by compare ? or what
The links of Colony and Motherland ?
Let such ambitions sleep,
But leave us still our Jam, and fairly cheap.
In any case, we 11 mock at JOSEPH'S dream,
His visionary Preferential wraith,
Since past results belie his promised scheme
And man must live on works and not on faith ;
Blossoms are lightly blown,
But by its fruits (preserved) a tree is known.
0. S.
QUEEN SYLVIA.
CHAPTER IV.
The Queens Father,
THERE are to be no mysteries in this story ; and, indeed'
11 this particular matter I am quite sure it is useless to
attempt to make any. Everybody who read the last chapter
must have guessed that the bearded, broad-shouldered man
who appeared in the crowd before the Palace and showed
such a surprising ignorance of all that had happened, was
SYLVIA'S father. If I led you to believe in the first chapter
hat he had been drowned at sea it was only because at that
time I believed, in common with everybody else, that it was
so. Now that he lias turned up, of course I know better,
and I shall not try to deceive you.
The fact is, then, that SYLVIA'S father had not been
Irowned at all. I am entitled to assume that he was rescued
>r swam to land, and I am inclined to believe that he after-
wards spent some time on a comparatively desert island,
ivliore he established himself as the undisputed monarch of a
|Hi|iulation consisting chiefly of tortoises, which are not bad
to eat, and penguins, which are just tolerable if you know
liow to cook them. He himself was always very reticent
about this part of his life, but it really doesn't matter in the
very least, for the important fact was that, though nobody
in Hinterland knew it, he was not only alive, but had arrived
in the capital at the very moment when he ought himself
to have been proclaimed Sovereign of the country instead of
his little daughter. Nay more, he had actually seen her
saluted as Queen by the people and, like a brave man, lie
hadn't breathed to anyone a word of the secret which, I am
bound to add, no single soul would have believed at that
moment, even if he had sworn to it by everything that a
sailor or a King holds most sacred. When the crowd had
dispersed, he had dispersed with it, in order that he might
think out quietly for himself a situation which, the more he
thought of it, the more he found it to be both peculiar and
difficult.
In the first place he was undoubtedly King — King
HILDEBRAND THE THIRD — and he had every right to live in
several Palaces, to see his side-face pictured on all the coins
of the realm, and to revel in the enjoyment of untold wealth.
He was 'also, like all sailors of middle age, a very domestic
man. During his long absence on the desert island he had
never ceased to think of his wife and his little girl, and
many a time he had in imagination enjoyed his meeting with
them and his quiet but meritorious life in their society after
all the labours and anxieties and harassing solitudes of his
adventurous career should be over and done with. He was
fondly devoted to his little girl, though he hadn't seen her
for ten years, and he had dreamed away many hours, in the
society of the penguins and tortoises, in constructing a
brilliant future for her after he should have come back and
given himself up, as he intended, to her education and
advancement. Often he had said to himself, " Whatever she
wants she shall have : she shall never be disappointed — least
of all by her father" — and now suddenly he found himself in a
position of unnatural rivalry with her. If he declared himself
and eventually proved his title, as he knew he could, he would
drag her down from the position of Queen, and disappoint
not only her but all the people of Hinterland, who, as he
judged from the talk he had heard, were looking forward to
her reign with the liveliest satisfaction. Oil the other hand,
if he failed to claim his rights he was cut off for ever from
the society of his wife and daughter, and from all that
domesticity, the dream of which had supported him through
years of existence in a hut constructed by himself, without
even a parrot to cheer his somewhat protracted leisure. He
DECEMBER 14. 1901.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
41'J
y
"AS GOOD LUCK WOULD HAVE IT."
Wife (to Sportsman, who has just taken a lad tomt). "I ALWAYS DISTRUSTED TOUR OOINQ w FOR THAT HORRID AOCIHKNT IVSI-RAKCR-.
KNOW HOW I.UCKY YOU ARE. EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH TURNS TO MONEY ! "
Ym-
could not reveal himself privately, either to SYLVIA or to her
mother. SYLVIA had an unspoilt nature, and the Princess
HILDEBRAND, her mother, was so much the soul of honour that
she had consistently refused to deceive a single custom-
house officer on the rare occasions when she had travelled
abroad. Either of them would give him away at once, and
insist on his assumption of the regal dignities. Besides, he
was a very patriotic man, and he felt honestly doubtful
whether -he was really qualified to succeed in the business
of kingship, for which he confessed he had had a most
inadequate preparation. On the whole you will see that he
was, perhaps, in as difficult a situation as any King was
ever placed In and all because, as I ought perhaps to have
mentioned before, his ship had been delayed by fog for!
twenty-four hours. How these difficulties were got over you
shall learn later. In the meantime we will leave the iinfor-
tunate Prince HILDEBRAXD pondering over them, and thinking
sadly of his vanishing chances of ever meeting his wife
and daughter again on a, proper footing of authorised
recognition.
We can now skip a period of three weeks— thus bringing
ourselves to a day in the beginning of December — and return
to SYLVIA, who had by this time ceased to be alarmed when
she woke up in a gigantic canopied bed with gilded posts,
and a satin coverlet embroidered in gold with the royal arms
and the Queen's initial S. in light blue. The faithful SARAH :
had, by an exercise of power which had at first struck some
sticklers as savouring too much of despotism, been appointed
Lady of the Bedchamber. All murmurs, however, had been
stilled when it was known that the Duchess who had hitherto
filled the office by prescriptive right had been promoted to the
Ladyship-in-Chief of the Bedchamber, an honorary rank
designed after the model of the Colonelcies-in-Chief which
existed in the Royal Army. The Prime Minister, the
Chamberlain — in fact, all the great officers of State had
been maintained in their places, and everything in Hinterland
was going on as smoothly and pleasantly as though SYLVIA had
been Queen for years. Some remark had been occasioned,
no doubt, by the Queen's tendency to romp with the First
Lord of the Admiralty, a gallant old sea-dog who had a largo
family of his own. and thought it the most natural thing in
the world to play ball for a few minutes with the Queen. It
had also been noticed that the Queen sometimes put the
most discomposing questions to the members of her
Council, and the Lord Privy Seal had not yet recovered
from the shock of being asked to nurse a fluffy black kitten
while the Queen added her signature to a packet of State
documents.
On this day, to which, as I said, we have skipped, the
Queen was in the Audience Chamber awaiting an official
visit from the Poet Laureate, who was coming to lay his
homage at her feet. She had never spoken to a real poet
before, and was looking forward with great interest to the
interview. I must reserve it for another chapter.
420
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 14, 1904.
LIFE'S LITTLE DIFFICULTIES.
VI. — '• WHITE PININGS."
i.
Miss Vesta Swan to tlie Thalia and
Erato Press, Ltd.
DEAR Sins,— I am sending you by
registered post the MS. of a volume of
soems, entitled White ]'ininrjs, in the
lope that you will like them sufficiently
,o undertake their publication. The
Doems are entirely original, and have
lever before (with one exception) been
nrinted. It was once my intention to
arint them from time to time in the
setter class weekly papers, but after a
while that idea was abandoned. The
exception is the rondeau called " Coral
Toes," which appeared in the Baby's
Friend, but there would be no difficulty
about copyright, I am sure.
Yours truly, VESTA SWAN.
The Thalia and Erato Press to
Miss Vesta Swan.
DEAR MADAM, — Our Reader reports that
tie has read White Pinings with much
interest, and that in his opinion the
book is in every way worthy of publica-
tion. Poetry is, however, as you perhaps
are not unaware, not read as it used to
be. This apathy is the result, some
think, of the interest in the war, but ac-
cording to others is due to the fashion of
Bridge. Be it as it may, no great sale
can be expected for such a book, and
our Reader therefore suggests that you
should combine with us in this enter-
prise. Of course if the book is success-
ful your outlay would come back to you
multiplied many times. We calculate
that a first edition of White Pinings
would cost £100, and we suggest that
each of us contributes £50.
Awaiting your reply, we are, Dear
Madam, Yours faithfully,
THE THALIA AND ERATO PRESS.
per A. B. 0.
III.
Miss \~esta Swan to the Tlialia and
Erato Press.
DEAR SIRS, — I am glad to know tba
your Reader thinks so highly of inj
book. Would it be indiscreet to ask hit
name? — there are two or three points
concerning the poems which I shouk
like to put to him.
I am aware that the ordinary run o
poetry is not profitable, but there ar
shining examples of success. I hav
just been reading the Life of the lat
Lord TEXXYSOX, who seems to have beei
quite wealthy, although he wrote COIT
paratively little ; and I gather that th
BROWNINGS also were well-to-do. One o
my friends considers my style no
unlike a blend of both ROBERT and E. B
although (being a woman) natural!
lore like the latter. I understand also
lat both Mr. SWINBURNE and Sir LEWIS
WORRIS are quite comfortably off. So
:iat there, are exceptions.
I should say also that W. P. is not, as
on think, my first book. I published
n 1896, through a firm at Winchester,
little collection called Heart Beats, a
opy of which was sent to her late
Majesty Queen VICTORIA.
None the less, as 1 believe in my work
nd wish others to have the opportunity
f being cheered by it, I will pay the £50.
'lease put the book in hand at once,
s I want it to come out with the April
iuds. Yours truly, VESTA SWAN.
IV.
The Thalia and Erato Press to
Miss Vesta Swan.
(Extract.}
We enclose a contract form, which
>lease sign and return to us with
•heque. Any letter intended for our
leader will be at once forwarded to him.
v.
Miss Vesta Swan to the Header of her
MS.
DEAR SIR, — I should very much like
jo have your opinion of the " Lines
vritten at midnight after hearing Miss
Clara Butt sing 'The Lost Chord.'"
3o you think the faulty grammar in
ine 4 of stanza 2 — "loud," the adjec-
ive, for " loudly," the adverb — is
permissible ? I have already spent some
ime in polishing this poem, but I have
so high an opinion of your judgment
that I am ready to begin again if you
say I should'. And do you think the
title should be merely White Pinings
or that it should have the sub-heading —
' Sighs of a Priestess of Modernity ? "
One of my friend's, a young journalist,
favours the latter very warmly.
I might add that I have a very kind
letter from the secretary of Sir THOMAS
LirroN, who read the poems in MS.,
praising them in no measured terms
Do you think it would do the book good
if we were to print this letter in fac-
simile at the beginning ? I am,
Yours truly, VESTA SWAN.
[Several letters omitted.]
XVI.
Miss Vesta Swan to the Tlialia and
Erato Press.
(Telegram.)
Stop printing. Serious misprint page
41. "Heave on coal" should be
" Heaven our goal."
XVII.
Tlte Thalia and Erato Press to
Miss Vesta Swan.
(Telegram.)
Too late. Error unimportant.
[Several letters omitted."]
XXIII.
iVi.s-.s' Vesta Swan tr> the Thalia and
Erato Press.
(Extract.)
.... And will you please be sure
0 send a copy with the author's com-
pliments to Mr. ANDREW LANG, as I
lear he is so much interested in new
poets?
From a vast correspondence the folloicirtg
six letters have been selected.]
XXXI.
Miss Vesta Swan to the Thalia and
Erato Press.
(Extract.)
.... My friends tell me that they
mve groat difficulty in buying White
Pinings. A letter this morning says
hat there is not a book-shop in Birming-
lam that has heard of it.
XLV.
Miss Vesta Swnn In the Thalia and
Erato Press.
DEAR SIRS, Several persons have told
me lately that they have looked in vain
in the literary papers, ever since While
Pinings was published, for any advertise-
ment of it, anil they have found none.
Many of the books of the day are, I
notice, advertised very freely, with, I have
no doubt, good results — Mr. HALL
CAINE'S last novel, for example. Curiously
enough, one of my poems ("An Evening
Reverie," page 76), contains very much
the same moral as his book. Could you
not intimate that fact to the public in
some way ? Please send me twelve more
copies. Yours truly,
VESTA SWAN.
I.IV.
Miss Vesta Swan to the Thalia and
Erato Press.
DEAR SIRS,- In the report in the papers
this morning of the Bishop of Ixjndon's
address on thr reconcilement of the
Letter and the Spirit, there is a most
curious anticipation of a statement of
mine in the poem, " Let us ponder
awhile," on page 132 of White I'iniiiys.
1 think that the enclosed paragraph
mentioning the coincidence might be
sent to the Athencenm. I am told that
all the other papers would then copy it.
Yours truly, Vi.s r \ SWAN.
LIX.
Miss Vesta Swan to the Thalia and
Erato Press.
(Extract.)
A friend of mine got out of the train
and asked at all the bookstalls between
London and Manchester for W. P., and
not one had it. Is not this a scandal?
Something ought to be done to raise the
-tone of railway reading. Please send
me six more copies.
DUMBER 14, 1QM.1PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
421
A MATTER OF DIFFICULTY.
. lut Shtrt-siyltted Old Lady. "You CRUEL BOYS! I SHOULD LIKE TO TREAT Ton JUST EXACTLY AS YOU'VE TBEATED THAT HH>R [><«;! "
LXV11I.
Miss Vesta Swan to the Thalia and
Erato Press.
(Extract.)
I 'am told that a few years ago a
volume of poems was advertised by
sandwichmeu in the London streets.
Could not White Finings be made known
in this way ?
xo.
The Thalia and Erato Press to
Miss Vesta. Swan.
DEAR MADAM, — We have much pleasure
in enclosing the first review of your
poems that has reached us. Doubtless
now that a start has been made many
more will follow.
Yours faithfully,
THE THALIA AND ERATO PRESS.
[1 End.] per A. B. C.
From the Scots Reader.
One of the most amusing misprints
that we can recollect occurs in White
Pinings (Thalia and Erato Press), by
VESTA SWAN, which otherwise is un-
important. The poetess undoubtedly
wrote :
Watch the progress of the soul
Struggling aye to heaven our goal ;
but the waggish printer has made her
say :
Struggling aye to heave on coal.
A TUCK-IN AT CHRISTMAS.
WHO is "Father TUCK"? Of Friar
Tuck everybody knows something, even
if it be only the name. But "Father
TUCK"? Well, he is so intimately asso-
ciated with Christmastide that, like the
other annually paternal old gentleman,
Father Christmas himself, he comes
only once a year, at the season of the
three P's : Pies, Puddings and Presents.
And this Father TUCK is by no means a
Friar of Orders Grey, but a Family
Father styling himself TUCK AND SONS, of
Orders punctually attended to. Like Mr*.
Micawbet; ever true to her senior partner,
the sons of TIVK pere will never desert
their parent, but join him annually in
putting before the public, for whom
they cater, charming New Year Cards,
Christmas Post Cards, children's toy
books, and a clever novelty styled
"The Rag Time" Calendar, from which
name it must not be inferred that it
contains any hints as to the rough and
ready pastime of " ragging." The
entire collection the Raphael- Tuckites
include under one title, " L'Entente
Cordiale," at which Cordial the public
will probably be ready and willing to
take a good pull. The Tuckites say in
effect, " Forward us a draught and we '11
send you an Entente Cordiale.11
MORE INFANT PRECOCITY. — " Child to
adopt married couple; premium."
Adit, in the Scotsman.
422
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 14, 1904:
CHARIVARIA.
THE St. Petersburg correspondent of
the Matin reports that, in well-informed
circles, it is predicted that the War will
be finished about • July. Even the
Japanese themselves have not dared to
be so optimistic as this.
We consider that the Admiralty has
been unjustly blamed in the matter of
the Caroline. We agree with the
Admiralty : — How was it possible to
ascertain her destination until she got
there ?
The War Office having stated that a
Crimean veteran who , —
served for twenty-one
years is ineligible for
the special campaign
pension, as he was
never wounded, it is
anticipated that a new
feature in our future
battles will be pro-
vided by a number of
the more thoughtful of
our fighting men re-
questing the enemy to
oblige them with a
few slight cuts.
hoped that novels would not be the
first consideration of those who chose
the books, "for the best of these could
be bought for sixpence." The author
of The Prodigal Son is said to have
expressed some surprise at Lady JERSEY'S
ignorance of the price of that volume.
Messrs. MACMILLAN have just published
" Memorials of EDWARD BURNE-JONES : by
G. B.-J.," and Literary London is striv-
ing to guess what name is hidden behind
the initials " B.-J."
"It is difficult to understand," said
the Graphic the other day, " why, when
everything else has become cheaper, the
cars can ever be serious competitors of
theirs.
Mrs. BROWN-POTTER has produced u
new version of Pagliacei. Is this, per-
haps, the cheap opera of which we have
heard so much lately ?
The Foreign Office, it is stated, has
demanded of the Swiss Government the
dismissal of the station-master at Lugano,
for an assault on an officer of the British
High Court. If
report (quoted
severe weather recently experienced in
we may believe the
in these pages) of the
Switzerland by
ships, we may
By a decision of the
Attorney - General of
the United States, all
guessing contests have
been placed in the cate-
gory of lotteries and
made illegal. If every
American who says " I
guess" is convicted on
his o\vn admission,
there should be some
overcrowding in the
prisons.
Mystery still sur-
rounds the identity of the assailants of
Colonel STOCKALL, and some surprise is
being expressed that the special artists,
whose drawings of the outrage in our
illustrated papers prove them to have
been present, have volunteered no in-
formation.
Little Boy. " MUMMY, SEAR, WHY CAN'T I STAY itp TILL IT OETS LATE?"
Mother. "THAT WOULDN'T DO AT ALL, DEAR. YOU'D WAKE ITP so CROSS IN THE MORNING."
Little Boy (thoughtfully). " DOES DADDY oo TO BED VERY LATE, MDJMY ? "
some American war-
trust to our Navy to
support the penulti-
matum of the Foreign
Office by a demons-
tration in these accessi-
ble parts.
Mrs. ODADIAH KENT-
WHITE, leader of the
Holy Cake-Walk
Dancers at Camber-
well, declares that tbe
English people eat too
much. It remains to
be seen, however,
whether they will be
able to swallow Mrs.
KENT - WHITE'S Cake-
Walk Doctrines.
Lord ROSEBERY has been calling Mr.
BALFOUR "The Man in the punt."
Curiously enough, Mr. BALFOUR'S latest
adherent might be described as an out-
Rigger.
The duel between the two orators
MM. JAURES and DEROULEDE proved to
be a more humane affair than some had
feared, the weapons being pistols and not
speeches.
In laying the foundation stone of a
Free Library, Lady JERSEY said she
cost of amusement has doubled." But
what about the reduction in tbe price of
the Daily News ?
A discussion is proceeding in the
columns of a contemporary as to which
is the oldest newspaper. Some of the
correspondents seem to be confusing
this question with another, namely,
which paper publishes the oldest news.
Following the practice of the American
railways, the North Eastern Company
has created a special department for
dealing with all claims arising from
injuries to passengers. Such enterprise
deserves to be rewarded with an increase
of business in this direction.
The railways in America caused 12,155
deaths last year. No wonder railway
directors laugh at the idea that motor-
After forty years of
faithful service in the
employ of the Zoologi-
cal Gardens as a letter-
box, the rhinoceros
James passed away
last week. Little boys
will hear with envy
that, even after death,
he is to be stuffed.
The problem of what
to do with the Unemployed continues to
engage the attention of public bodies.
The National Liberal Club has decided
to give dinners to Sir HENRY CAMPBELL-
BANNERMAN, Earl SPENCER, Lord ROSEBERY,
Mr. ASQUITH and Mr. JOHN MORLEY.
OBSEQUIES OF MR. PINERO'S DOLL. --
Chief mourner, A Wife without a Smile,
who will walk alone, attended by the
Orchestra of Wyndham's Theatre play-
ing " The Funeral March of a Marion-
ette," as they proceed along the Via
Dol-orosa to the Waste-phalure Cemetery.
The Shakspearian epitaph, taken from
2 Hen. IV. n., on
" Peace, good Doll !
the tomb will be,
Farewell, Doll ! "
THE REVIVAL OF THE CENTAUR. — " Cus-
tomer's own hoof mounted as ink-
stand."— Catalogue.
DLVK.MUKR 14, 1901.1
THE BUSINESS METHODS
OF MR. BULL.
" ALWAYS glad to see you, of course ! "
said Mr. JOHN Urn., as Air. PUNCH entered
his office. " Still, afraid I can only spare
you a very few minutes. .Such a lot of
things to think about just now ! "
'It must be an anxious time for
you," said Mr. PUNCH sympathetically,
"as long as this war in the Far East goes
on."
" Oh, I don't worry myself about thut"
replied Mr. BULL. " We 've managed to
keep out of it so far, and I fancy we 're
not very likely to be dragged into it
now."
"And yet, only a few weeks ago,"
said Mr. PUNCH, "I seem to remember
you talking about an ' intolerable affront,'
and an 'ultimatum to Eussia,' and so
forth."
" Did I say all that ? I suppose I was
quoting the leading articles in my favour-
ite paper," said Mr. BULL. "I didn't
know all the facts in the case then. Of
course, as soon as I found out that tin-
Baltic Fleet thought they were being
attacked by torpedo-boats, I calmed
down. I 'cl almost forgotten the incident.
You see, there are so many other matters
requiring my attention just now— this
Fiscal Discussion, and Redistribution,
and the Education Question, and the
Unemployed — and I don't know what
else."
"But it's just possible, isn't it, that
an Anglo - Russian crisis may occur
again?" asked Mr. PUNCH. "What
should you do, for instance, if Russia
were to try to force the passage of the
Dardanelles, as her official journals are
announcing she means to do ? "
" I should tell her I wasn't going to
stand anything of the kind," said Mr.
BULL, with his usual determination.
"That would be quite enough, Sir.
Russia would back out. Mere bluff,
you know ! "
" So you said about the late Mr.
KRUGER, and so, oddly enough, Russia
believed of Japan," replied Mr. PUNCH.
" Mayn't you be mistaken in thinking
that Russia would be so very reluctant
to try a change of enemy ? "
"Let her ! " said Mr. BULL, defiantly.
" What chance would a Navy like hers
have against ours, I should like to
know ? "
" The Navy 's all right," agreed Mr.
lYxm, " only I don't quite see what
good it can be in defending your Indian
HOME:
COMFORTS
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.
Wife (to struggling husband, )ialf-icaij up stairs). "MAKE HASTE, ARCHIE.
WE SHALL BE FRIGHTFULLY LATE ! "
DON'T DAWDLE.
demanded Mr. BULL.
Royal Horse Artillery
" Ever seen our
at the Military
frontier."
" Our Indian
Army will look after
that, Sir. I 've every confidence in Lord
KliniKNER."
" So have I," said Mr. PUNCH. " But,
;is I needn't tell you, battles are won by
artillery nowadays."
"And what's wrong with ours?"
Tournament ? You have, eh ? Well, do
you suppose any other country in the
world can show smarter, better driven
teams than those, Sir ? "
"Nothing wrong with the
the drivers — it 's the guns behind 'em,"
said Mr. PUNCH.
Mr. BULL pished impatiently. " I 've
heard all that till I'm sick of the sub-
ject!" he said. "One or two of the
evening papers have been dinning it
into my ears for ever so long. And you
had a picture about it only a little while
ago. Very ainusin" and all that — but far-
fetched. It isn't as if there was anything
new in it either. It 'a a very old story ! "
" Ah, I was caught napping there, I
admit," said Mr. BULL ; " but do you
know what I said afterwards ? I said :
' Never again never again ! ' Ah, and I
meant it too, Sir ! "
"I daresay you did," said Mr. PUNCH,
teams or " though, as a matter of fact, you 've
It is," said Mr. PUNCH;
the Boer War."
'as old as
still got the same obsolete old guns you
had then, and even third-rate Powers
have a more efficient and up-to-date
artillery than yours. Which doesn't
seem altogether satisfactory."
"Now that just shows how you writiu"
fellows exaggerate things!" said .Mr.
BULL, with some irritability. "Trying
to .upset me with your confounded
Alarmist scares! I've made inquiries
— and what do you think I 've found ?
There's nothing in it! Our new
18-pounder and 13-pounder guns are
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 14, 1904.
THE TAKING WAYS OF GENIUS.
"I SHALL BE DELIGHTED TO PLAY ONE OF MY LATEST XocTI HN'KS, IJF.AR Miss KlIIELBEUTA. BcT JI1T I BEG AS ESPECIAL FAVOUR— THAT Tor
WILL DESERVE YOUR JUDGMENT ? I AM SO SENSITIVE, AND AM ALWAYS OVKIIWHELMED BY OfiE.tr PRAISE."
admitted to be the very best weapons yet
invented ! Now what do you say ? "
" I believe that is so," said Mr. PUNCH.
" But have you got 'em yet ? "
"Well — as good as got 'em. That is,
I 'm promised twenty batteries for India
some time next year."
"And you'll want about two hundred
and fifty batteries for the Indian and
Home Armies together, won't you ?
When do 3*011 expect to get them?"
"How do I knoW ! " said Mr. BULL,
gel ting distinctly peevish. "Some day
or other — all in good time. There 's no
particular hurry that 1 can see ! "
" You might, if you should happen to
be at war with Russia and perhaps
another great Power, and were handi-
capped with your present antiquated
weapon, which has to be loaded in five
movements instead of one, and only
fires two rounds a minute to their
twelve."
" I don't pretend to understand all
these technical matters myself," said
Mr. BULL, "I've no time. I pay some
clever fellows big salaries to look after
such things. What more can I do? "
" You could see they did it. Why,
you might have been provided with the
whole of the fifteen hundred new guns
by tliis time, if you had only insisted
oil it."
"But— but, bless my soiil!" Jonx
BULL almost screamed, "do you know
what that would' have cost me, Sir?
Over five million pounds ! Do you
want me to nun myself? "
" Only two years ago you cheerfully
gave up eight million a year to provide
about two hundred thousand for a few
sugar- planters and refiners," said Mr.
PUNTII, " and you don't seem to have
missed it."
"That was a very different matter,
Sir," said Mr. BUM. with dignity. "I
was protecting a British industry which
was in danger of decaying. I can't
afford to increase my expenses at present.
I always have left my preparations to t In-
last moment — I suppose I always shall
the system hasn't answered so very badly
up to now. I don't see why I should
bother my head about it if my profes-
sional advisers tell me I needn't ! "
" Well," said Mr. PUNCH, preparing
to go, " I suppose it 's no use saying any
more just now. So we can only hope
that the new guns will come before the
next crisis ! "
For he saw it was quite useless.
Nothing would ever change sturdy stout-
hearted, stout-headed old Jon* BULL,
He would always go on in the same good
old ways cherishing a secret belief that
keeping up his insurance policy was his
one unjustifiable piece of extravagance,
despising warnings and lessons till the
danger was upon him, and forgetting all
a) HUH them when it was past, and cheerily
trusting that his proverbial good luck
would enable him to pull through every-
thing.
As no doubt he always will— so long
as the luck doesn't change. F. A.
THE *!H*nW,describingthe condition
of the Channel on the date of the
departure of the Queen of POIITIT.AI,
stated that " the sea was slightly sloppy."
This characteristic moisture of the
Channel has always been a difficulty,
even with uncrowned heads.
No Half Measures.
"WANTED, by a respectable Person, a go<x
all-round Wash."— Advt. in the Manchestei
Guardian.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. DacmOEB II, 1904.
C
DK C
CONDITION."
THE RETURN OF THE SPECIALIST.
"AND HOW IS OUR POOR SUFFERER? DEBILITY NICELY MAINTAINED?"
N^HE CONTRARY, I'M AFRAID YOU'LL FIND HIM IN A DEPLORABLY ROBUST
[The November Trade Returns show large increases both in imports and exports.]
DECEMBER 14, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
427
MR. BALFOUR'S GARDEN.
(With acknowledgments to the
"Gardeners' Chronicle.")
IT is not generally known that, not-
withstanding his strenuous life as a
statesman and philosopher, the Right
Hon. ARTHUR J. BALFOUR has devoted
much time and interest to the pursuit of
gardening at his beautiful country seat
of Whittingehame. Owing to the disas-
trous condition of the glass trade it is
true that the greenhouses have fallen
somewhat into disrepair, and the failure of
the beet-crop has shorn the kitchen garden
of one of its most picturesqiie features.
Still, with all reservations, the gardens
and pleasure-grounds of Whittingehame
compare favourably with those of most of
the stately homes of England, besides
possessing certain peculiar and attractive
characteristics reflecting the idiosyncra-
sies of their distinguished owner.
The undulating character of the
grounds, approaching at times to the
character of a switchback railway, is
exceedingly engaging, and has given
the landscape gardener free scope for
the employment of all manner of effective
devices. The additions that have re-
cently been made of Bamboos (Bamboozlia
subtilis) and other rare plants have lent
a peculiarly imposing character to the
formal garden, the chief feature in which
is an elaborately planned Maze, surpass-
ing the Cretan labyrinth in its mystifying
ramifications. Indeed it is said that the
Duke of DEVONSHIRE, during a visit to
Whittingehame in the summer of 1903,
completely lost his bearings in an abortive
attempt to penetrate to the centre, and
was found stretched in an exhausted and
semi-comatose condition on a bed of
poppies by a search party organised by
Professor HEWINS and Mr. CHAPLIN.
Starting from the house and proceed-
ing to the west we are at once confronted
by a charming Nursery of Monkey Puz-
zles, known as the Child's Garden,
where Mr. BALFOUR is in the habit of
spending many hours in Imperial cogita-
tions. A winding walk leads thence,
along the banks of a lake profusely
stocked with rainbow-trout, to the minia-
ture 9-hole links; Mr. BALFOUR, as is
well known, being a most ardent divotee
of the Royal and Ancie'nt pastime. By
a pretty conceit all the holes and most
of the hazards have characteristic names,
" Balfour's Maiden " recalling by a
humorous touch an episode in the Pre-
mier's tenure of the Chief Secretaryship
of Ireland, while Morant's Point grace-
fully immortalizes the services of the
Secretary to the Education Department
during the passage through the Hoiise
of a much discussed measure.
But undoubtedly the most attractive
feature of the grounds is the beaiitiful
Colonial Garden which adjoins the links,
I
TKJME.R'
CTC*
.
GOOD FOR THE PEARI.-Bi:noN TRADE !
Tariff Joe takes a " Little Loaf " in the East End of London.
(Mr. Chamberlain is to speak at Limehouse in furtherance of his Tariff Reform Crusade.)
and was laid out only about two years
ago. There are four entrances to this
garden, each covered with an arch
overgrown with Jessamine (Jasminum
Collingsii), and in the centre there is a
sundial surrounded with low -growing
evergreen shrubs such as Cochleare
elongatum, Pensio senilis, and a remark-
ably fine Cactus presented by Dr.
RUTHERFOORD HARRIS.
The garden, which is of extensive
size, has in one corner a three-acre
paddock railed off where a charming
little Kerry cow of the Dexter breed
may be seen disporting herself. Here,
too, is a delightful little dairy with a
thatched roof overgrown with straight-
cut Virginia creeper and Wistaria Taxi-
fudia. Another attractive feature in the
Colonial garden is the Iforhis i>i<-liixits,
an elegant little compound decorated
with dwarf pagodas, Joss-houses, and
large beds containing massed Cape
Gooseberries, with steps leading down to
an underground rockery wreathed with
the pallid tendrils of the Cauda porcina.
We must conclude our necessarily
imperfect sketch of this Lowland Para-
dise with a detailed description of a fin*
and very distinguished species which
has recently been acclimatised at Whit-
tingehame - the ' Arfhiirium FenduVi-
folium. The blade, which is of willowy
appearance, is about six feet one inch
long, varying from eight to sixteen
inches broad, elongate oblong lanceolate,
and narrows to a drooping apex fur-
nished with slight greyish capillary
appendages on the upper labritm, and
drab spathes on both pedancles.
BENE FACTUM. — Last week Mr. Aix-i .11:
BEAN exhibited some of his water-colour
drawings to the QUEEST at Sandringliam,
who purchased one of them. This is
Royal encouragement to English art, as
what was to HER MJUESTY'S taste was not
a French Bean.
From the Egyptian Gazette : —
YOUNG GERMAN seeks lodgings of lady very
severe. Under "Birch," Posta Restante, Cairo.
42S
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 14, 1901.
"On, MAKYI.ANH, MY MAUYLAXII! "
" Great corporations are necessary, and only men of great and
singular mental power can manage such corporations successfully."—
President Roosevelt's Message.
"MAY THEY LIVE LONG AND BROSBER!"
Rip Van Winkle.
IT is with great pleasure that Mr. Punch is able to state,
on the best authority, that, for the report, to which the
picture by " E. T. R." in Punch, Nov. 30, referred, there was
no foundation in fact. On the same unimpeachable authority
Mr. Punch is able to inform his readers that " the Berlin
Police, though they had their attention drawn " — here would
have been another chance for our artist — " to the caricature
by a private person " — evidently a mischievous busy-body —
"did not take exception to it, nor did they prevent the sale
of that particidar number." And, adds the same authority,
" as a matter of fact, Punch has not a single time been con-
fiscated in Prussia since 1882."
This is good hearing. So in a large glass of generous
Hoch! Hoch! Mr. Punch drinks to Our Friendly Relations,
or Cousins German. Prosit!
THE NEW GAME OF DUMB-'PHUMBO.- -Ladies and gentlemen
press their thumbs on an inked blotting-pad and then on a
white page on which they will leave a good or bad impres-
sion of character. Small boys do it without assistance from
the pad. The game is to identify the owner by the thumb.
Rather foolish, but, as a young lisper observed, " Ith Thumb-
thing to do."
FROM the Health Rules issued by the Medical Department;
Old Calabar, South Nigeria, we extract the following : —
" Wear a thin warm merino body vest day and night. If it irritates
the skin wear it outside the vest."
This instruction as to shifting the epidermis seems to
point to greater facilities for the West African than those
enjoyed by the /Ethiopian.
THE PANACEA.
[In The Home 'Beautiful Sir LAUDER BHUNTON, M.D., holds that ill-
temper, being frequently the result of ill-health, can be controlled and
modified by drugs, and recommends various " temper powders " as
cures for irritability.]
WHEN you pull up the blind in the morning to find
That the fog is as thick as it 's yellow ;
When you fish out a sock from your vanishing stock
And you cannot discover its fellow ;
When the tub in a trice becomes coated with ice,
And you shiver with cold as you scan it ;
When you shrink from the plunge and you find that the sponge
Is as hard as a boulder of granite ;
When the strop will not grip, and the razor will slip,
And your cheek is a patchwork of gashes ;
When your language becomes, like the lingo of slums,
An unprintable series of dashes ;
When you 're streaming with blood and you lose your last stud,
And you cannot lay hands on your braces ;
When you carefully choose your most watertight shoes,
And you find that you Ve broken the laces —
Pray don't lose your head like an ass, but instead
Of the course that is commonly followed
Take a powder, my friend, and yoi:r frowns will unbend
As the soothing concoction is swallowed.
When you struggle in vain for a seat in the train,
And you stand all the way to the City ;
When the atmosphere reeks of the pigtail of weeks,
And the floor is detestably gritty ;
When you find' that the bears have got hold of your shares
Till you 've scarcely a pound in your pocket ;
When the stock which you thought only fools would have
bought
Has gone up in the night like a rocket ;
When the contract by which you had hoped to grow rich
Has been given away to your rival ;
When your millionaire friend who had seemed near his end
Unexpectedly thinks of revival ;
When your clerklet decamps with the cash and the stamps
And with anything else he can borrow ;
When your typist 's afraid if her wages aren't paid
That the office won't see her to-morrow —
Do not fume like a dunce ; take your powder at once,
And your face will no longer look horrid,
While the remnants of hair you were going to tear
Will be left still adorning your forehead.
When you trudge from the train through the mud and the
rain
To the home you once thought so salubrious ;
When your hat is blown off, and you sneeze and you cough,
And you feel very low and lugubrious ;
When you hear that the cook has been taking her hook
And the spoons and the dishes by dozens ;
When the housemaid has fled with a soldier in red
Who was one of her numerous cousins ;
When this tale of mishaps has produced a collapse,
And the household is terribly flustered ;
When there 's nothing to eat but a bit of raw meat
And a packet of Somebody's mustard ;
When the beds are unmade and the fires are not laid,
And the boots and the shoes are all dirty ;
When there 's no one to bring anything when you ring,
And you feel most uncommonly "shirty " ;
When the wife of your breast has confessed she has drest
On just triple the sum you allowed her,
And lias run up long bills for her frocks and her frills —
Take a powder, my friend, take a powder.
D™ER 14, 1901.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. i->'.»
L'ART NOUVEAU.
Damp 1ml undaunted Correspondent of a Sjxirliny 7'd/xei- (to elderly party, vlio lias also been "put dotrn"). "CoCLD y<:c KEEP FTILL
BCT ONE MOMEST, SlR, WHILE I MAKE SIT SKETCH?"
430
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 14, 1904.
SCIENCE NOTES.
By ProfesKor Job Lott.
OUR DEAR NERVES!
ACCORDING to the Lady's Pictorial, we
are driving ourselves and our friends
mad by the colour of our dining-room
wall-paper, which is "simply ragging
our own nerves" and those of any guests
we may entertain within our walls. This
accounts for a remarkable increase of
lunacy of late, for the decay of
domesticity, the spread of cheap popular
restaurants, the Camberwell Dancing
Craze, and goodness knows what not.
The offending colour appears to be red.
What our forefathers thought to be a
icej homely, wanning, and generally
31iristmas-like hue turns out to be
merely an irritant to
;heir more suscepti-
ble descendants, if
not an invitation to
battle, murder, and
sudden death. If
twentieth century
nerves are going to
be thus terribly
harassed, every other
diner out will be
"seeing red" in the
French sense, or run-
ning his head up
against a brick wall.
There will be verdicts
of " Suicide during a
Temporary Attack of
Wall-paper," and
scare-heads about the
" Dastardly Conduct
of a Dado." From
the rags of which
paper is supposed to
be made it is an
easy transition to the
ragging feared by our
contemporary - - in ~
fact, a modern Rag's Progress. It comes
to this, that we ought to be wrapped up
in cotton-wool and not allowed out at
all. There are red pillar-boxes at street
corners, robin redbreasts in the parks,
red-coated Tommies at large, and many
other " red rags " to the hypersensitive
eye.
THE PIPLESS PIPPIN.
In future " there ain't going to be no
core to the apple," as the little boy said
to a rival claimant. A coreless and
seedless apple has been invented (so
to come. In the toothless future we
hope to see no-stone plums, sa?zs-wasp
gooseberries, mulberries without stomach-
ache, onions minus the scent, unslugged
strawberries, and an ex-maggoted and
disbirded orchard in general. Pip-pip !
LOST!
[Mr. Punch imagines that he owes the
receipt of the following letter to his recent
sympathetic reference to the alleged Society
craze for taking pet animals (such as, according
to another observer, " cockatoos, mice, snakes,
and lizards ") to places of entertainment. How-
ever that may be, he is always pleased to come
to the aid of beauty in distress, and if any of
his readers can earn the larger of the two
rewards he will be glad on all accounts.]
301, Eden Gardens.
DEAREST MR. PUNCH, — I am inconsola-
i.m C~,-i<
"AS OTHERS SEE US."
THIS IS HOW YOUNG JAROE CARRIED HOME THE PRIZE-CARD, AND HE WONDERED WHY
PEOPLE SMILED.
ble. I have lost Squeezums, my sweet
pet Python, and it has almost broken
my heart. I will try to tell you all about
it, as I want your help, but you must
excuse blots, for I have to stop and cry
a little now and then. Squeezums had
been very listless for several days. JOHN
said it was the Persian kitten from next
door that had disagreed with it — nasty
fluffy thing, I can't think why people
are allowed to keep them — and when I
insisted there was more in it than that,
he replied, "Very likely, but that was
we are told in the December Nineteenth the only thing that had been missed "-
Century) as the produce of a blossomless as if that were what I meant. I tried to
and grubless tree, of which there are to j charm it like the man who sold it to me,
be two-and-a-half million specimens in but I don't play myself, so I had to hide
1906. This will knock the stuffing out it in the coal-box and get Herr JUMPSKI
of the " seedy," or ordinary variety. It ' to improvise. He is awfully clever, you
is called " the world's greatest discovery j know, though they do say he drinks,^
in horticulture," but may be regarded i and his playing roused Squeezums at \ birds and mice everywhere they go ?
as the pioneer of more glorious Lthings I once, but before it had climbed halfway ' Yours in great distress, ADELA BRAYNE.
up the music-stand he saw it and col
lapsed on the hearthrug, shrieking that
he would never touch another drop.
We were going to A Wife ivithout a
Smile that night, so I thought I would
take Squeezums to cheer it up, as the
poor thing had been disappointed of its
music. There was a cat of a woman
sitting next me with a cockatoo and two
white mice in her lap, and she wanted
to send for the Manager when I went in,
but I said I would let Squeczums loose
if she stirred a foot. He was very happy
and quiet, though I felt him thrill once
when the cockatoo happened to screech ;
but, whilst we were all laughing at that
doll, something made me look round,
and there was the cockatoo sitting back
on its tail with a glassy eye like a
stuffed canary, and Squeezums wagging
his head in front of it.
I made a grab at his
neck, but he struck
before I could stop
him, and the next
second the disgust-
ing bird was half
way down my poor
pel's throat.
The woman gave a
.-i -ream and let the
\\liiic mice fall at my
feel, and in springing
upon my chair I
dropped Squeezums,
who glided off under
the scats.
There was so
much • laughing
going on that few
people noticed, and
I daren't make a
fuss, but I traced
him as well as I
could through an old
lady fainting three
rows in front, and
~a Dean at the side
who went very white and .left hurriedly.
The cockatoo woman carried on fearfully,
but I told her I wasn't responsible for
the silly pets she chose to take about,
and that if Squeezums was lost or inj ured
I should sue her for damages.
JOHN and I stayed till the theatre was
empty and looked everywhere, but we
found nothing but one green lizard with
a broken leg, which some brute must
have dropped, and the attendants were
most uncivil — wouldn't come near.
Dear Air. Punch, what I want you to
do is to publish this next week, so that
anyone who finds a Python answering to
the name of Squeezums may know where
to send it. JOHN says he will give £1
reward if it is found and £5 if it isn't, so
everybody ought to look. And will you
please say what you think of cats who take
DBCESTBEB 11, li)04.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ( II MilVARI.
TALKING SHOP.
[Iu the Chicago public schools the girls are
being instructed in the art of shopping. We
may shortly expect to see similar courses of
instruction introduced in this country.]
SUSPECTING the character of their visit,
I ventured to follow them into the slu>]>.
The school-girl advanced to the counter
and looked timorously into the assistant's
face. Then she hesitated. But her com-
panion was impatient.
" Come, come, begin," she said.
The school-girl looked round, caught
my expi-essiou of sympathy, and
"I — I would like some blue ribbon,
please," she said.
" Wrong ! " interrupted the other, who
\VUH obviously the teacher. "Quite
wrong. How many times have I told you
that you mustn't , —
say ' please ' to a
person of this
kind? Now watch
me." The school-
girl, who had
shrunk intoherself
with fear, ventured
to look up again
while the teacher
turned to the
assistant.
" I want some
narrow blue rib-
bon !" There was
no mistaking the
command in the
voice.
" Yes, madam,"
said the patient
young man, and
he turned to reach
down a box while
the teacher con-
tinued her in-
structions.
" Don't let me hear you say ' please '
again. And now mind you make him
work."
The young man was opening the box
and proceeding to show its contents. The
girl fingered them lightly; then, evidently
forgetting her' instructions, began with
a conscious glance at her teacher —
" I— I— think I '11 take this."
"You certainly won't," snapped the
other, who had not even glanced at the
ribbon. " You are to say it is wholly
unsuitable." Then, turning to the assis-
tant, " Be good enough not to waste our
time," she said viciously.
The young man bowed gravely and
then began to reach down more boxes
while the lesson continued.
" Under no circumstances must you
select the first thing shown. When you
have passed the elementary course — that
is if you ever do so, though you seem too
dense for anything -you will, of course,
insist upon going through the boxes
twice before making a selection ; aud
then, if you like best what you saw first.
you can select it when you see it for the
second time. But you must thoroughly
understand that you are never to take it
at once, however much you like it."
The child nodded in a bewildered
way. "Because I might find somctlnn.
better, do you mean, Miss IcBLAKD?"
"No, that is not the reason. Because
— because — oh, you'll understand when
you're a woman. I — I can't quite
explain. Proceed with the lesson !
Other boxes were now lying on the
counter, and the time began to slip by.
The young man, the perspiration running
down his forehead, had already had to re-
quisition the step-ladder to reach distant
heights. But uncomplainingly he went on
answering inquiries|in the sameeven tone;
A FOX HUNT.
(After a Tapestry.)
deftly extending ribbons for approval,
bowing, nodding, occasionally skip-
ping up the ladder ; always striving to
please.
At length the instructress rose, noting
as she did so with intense relish the fact
that several customers who had been
kept waiting were showing signs of
impatience. " Come," she said.
The pupil rose, looking doubtfully
from the young man to the teacher.
"But we haven't selected anything,"
she said.
The instructress frowned. " When
will you learn, child ! Tell the young
man at once that nothing he has shown
us is of the slightest use, and that he
ought to be ashamed of such a stock,
and of himself as well."
In faltering accents the girl obeyed,
then together they turned towards the
door. I followed again.
"Is that all, please, Miss ICELAND?"
asked the pupil at length.
-\<>, certainly not. You have not
yet performed what is in some respects
the most important duty of all. V
ha\en't yet reported the assistant I t
inattention and incivility. Go ! there is
the shop walker ! "
A GREAT RELIEF.
Tire Squire was decidedly unwell.
He was compelled to stay indoors. The
Doctor arrived, and was shown into
the Squire's sanctum.
"Soon put you all right," *aid tin-
DiH-tiir cheerily.
"Hope so," returned the Squire, " but
I shan't be well till I 've got something
off my mind."
'<?." May I inquire what is the trouble ''. "
asked the medical man sympathetically
"You may,"
replied the
Squire, "and 1
will tell you."
For a second he
relapsed into
moodiness. Then,
arousing himself,
he said, "May I
ask you a ques-
tion?"
"Certainly," said
the Doctor laconi-
cally. " Put it."
Whereupon the
Squire, suddenly
brightening up a
little, commenced,
"You have come
here to put me all
right?" The Doc-
tor bowed assent.
' ' Then ,' 'continued
the Squire, "why
are you like m\
— dog Ponto that
always accompanies me out shooting? "
The Doctor considered. Not being
prepared with a reply, lie asked, some-
what timidly, " Is this a conundrum '< "
" Right first time," quoth the Squire,
evidently already on the high road to
recovery. " And — do you give it up ''. "
" I do," was the Doctor's very decided
answer.
"Then I will tell you, my lx>y," cried
the Squire cheerily, becoming quite his
own old hearty self again, " You are like
my old dog Ponto when out shooting
with me because you 've ' come to heal.'
See?"
And in another minute the Doctor
had left the house, driving quickly in
the direction of the New County Lunatic
Asylum, where there was a colleague
of his whom he considered it wise to
consult. And the Squire, gun in hand,
closely followed by Ponto, went ' out,
feeling as fit as ever he had been in the
whole course of his healthy life.
432
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVARI.
[DECEMBER 14, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
THE mills of Lady RIDLEY'S fancy and imagination grind
slowly, but they grind with exceeding effect. It is some four
years since The Story of Aline revealed to my Baronite a new
novelist of fine mark. Since then we have had nothing from
her pen. Now comes A Daughter of Jael (LOKOMANS), a work
worth pondering over by the author, worth waiting for by
the public. It is not what would be called a cheery, genial
sort of story. It is, rather, one of those strong, almost morbid,
things which lovely woman, stooping to literature, occasionally
— as in the case of CHARLOTTE BRONTE and Jane Eyre, of LUCAS
MALET and Sir Richard Calmady — delights to produce. The
plot is novel, except wherein it may have been suggested, as
the title indicates, by the story of SISERA. It is worked out
in the simple, direct fashion which is the highest art. A con-
tributory episode to the story is the sin of a couple who
avowedly do not love each other, the woman going astray
pour s'amuser, the man wrecking his own wife's happiness
out of pity for the assumed tmhappiness of another woman.
This is a pretty complex problem, and it is high tribute to
Lady RIDLEY'S power and skill that, almost, she makes it
probable. Some of the characters are a little sketchy. But
through the crowd, a real living being, strides the strange
heroine, who for love of her brother murders her grandfather,
and for love of her husband takes to her arras his paramour,
and endeavours to win her back to life.
The Baron's Critical and Ready Rhymester writes as follows :
— " If any boy desires a tale which tells him how a boat to
sail ; to five upon a desert isle (although in reach of home
the while) ; to build a hut ; to make a gun ; to have the
finest out-door fun ; — why Bevis (DUCKWORTH) is the book on
which that boy at once should look — by RICHARD JEFKERIES
long since written to give delight to Younger Britain."
The Darrow Enigma is a good sensational detective story
by MELVIN L. SEVERY (GRANT RICHARDS), who occasionally
writes queer English, as, for instance, " I felt of his heart ;
he was dead." Perhaps this slip may be attributable to the
printer, as may another, namely, " Hallo ! that sounds like
the doctor's rig!" — where "rig" is evidently an error for
"ring." However, the style, if not polished, is in the main
good for directly interesting. This Enigma would have been
decidedly better for simplification, as it really consists of two
enigmas, and the second is started before the first has been
explained. Still, admirers of Sherlock-Holmesian methods
will soon find themselves absorbed in the mystery.
THACKERAY'S prohibition of the writing of his biography is
well known. So also are the chapters with which his
daughter, Mrs. RITCHIE, prefaces successive volumes of the
fine edition of her father's work published two years ago by
the familiar house in Waterloo Place. SMITH, ELDER issue
fresh contribution to knowledge of the life and personality
of the novelist in two portly volumes entitled Thackeray in
the United States. It is a stupendous work, comprehending
not far short of 800 pages. The chief novelties presented
are an abundance of sketches — over a hundred — from
THACKERAY'S pen. There is also a painstaking bibliography
of THACKERAY'S writings, before which my Baronite stands
amazed at proof of the industry of a life which did not far
exceed' the span of fifty years. In the main the work is a
compilation, General WltsoK having gleaned all familiar
fields. To tell the truth he unconsciously goes over some
of them more than once, retelling stories already printed on
earlier pages. But we can never hear too much of THACKERAY,
and here are garnered' the reminiscences and appreciations
of many who knew him intimately and therefore loved him
greatly. Much of it has appeared in print before ; but what of
that? It is conveniently brought together, the testimony
of divers witnesses converging in the effort to let the genera-
tion of the present day know what was thought of THACKERAY
by his contemporaries.
Quite in the front rank with its bright absurdities for
Christmas is Comic Sport and Pastime (SKEFFINOTON AND Sox),
by ALAN WRIGHT and VERNON-STOKES. Whether the writing
is entirely by WRIGHT as by right it ought to be, or whether
VERNON-STOKES has taken his share of it in addition to doing
most of the droll designs, the Baron is unable to determine.
An Assistant Reader reports that a batch of Christmas
books has come to hand from Messrs. W.'AND R. CHAMBERS.
First, I note (he says) three books by L. T. MEADE :- -.V /•.-•.
1'rilchard's School, A Modern Tomboy, and I'etronella. All
three are good wholesome reading for girls. The following
books, — Viva Christina, by EDITH E. COWPER, Glyn Severn's
School Days, by GEORGE MANVILLE FENN, Brought to Heel, by
KENT CARR, and Hazard and Heroism, by G. A. HENTY and
others, my Assistant Reader warmly recommends to boys.
The Baron, kindly disposed towards nonsense at Christmas-
time, observes that, in Mr. Louis WAIN'S idea, Santa Glaus is
a kind of patron saint of cats ! He has got a scratch
company (feline) together, and represents them, in his Claws
and Paws, as engaged in all sorts of brightly coloured
transactions. Then he "gives us paws" after the tales of
cats. But this comic cat and dog business must surely be
on the Wain.
Fairy Tales -from Hans Andersen, humorously illustrated
in colour by J. STUART HARDY (ERNEST NISTER"), is hereby
heartily recommended by the Baron as a dainty little present
to interest and amuse little people.
TJie Land of Bondage, by JOHN BLOUNDELLE BURTON (F. V.
WHITE & Co.), is a delightful work that the Baron can
strongly recommend to all who
love genuine romance. It is full
of stirring incident, it is never
overkid by superfluity of pic-
turesque description, and it is
alive with sensational effects
and startling surprises, all ad-
mirably contrived. There may
be a better story somewhere
about, but up to the present
moment it has not been the
Baron's good fortune to come
across it, and he is perfectly
content, pro tern., with this.
THK
IUROX
DE
NOTICE — TO SOMEBODY. — Somebody has sent by post to
Mr. Punch's Office a book entitled Boston Pull'ie l.',britri/
(dedicated to the building), containing, amongst other patchy
matter, extracts from the " Diary of Parliament " by SHIRLEY
BROOKS, whose signature appears inside the cover. On the
addressed wrapper is written, " Letter al«n." This letter has
been unfortunately mislaid or destroyed, and as name and
address of sender are not given, the book must remain at
our office until further information be received and stamps
sent for return.
the business card of a Limehouse " Wire-worker " : —
"Manufacturer of Sieves, Nursery Guards, Fire Guards, fancy flower
Baskets and all kinds of Plain and fancy work. AH kinds of Repairs
and Soldiering."
This last word throws a lurid light on the expression,
" Nursery Guards."
THE PERILS OF POPULARITY.
" I WISH SOMEONE WOULD GIVE ME A DOG." — Infant Prodigy to an Interviewer.
OUR ARTIST DEPICTS THE SCENE NEXT DAY.
TO A MINCE PIE.
EXIGUOUS pie, beneath whose brittle shell
One solid month of luck is said to dwell ;
Within whose minced succulence there
lurks
An antidote to fell Misfortune's works ;
Thou harbinger of prosperous days in
store
(I.e., posterior to 1904),
Days — to express it in a graceful way—
Sweetened by toil and beautified by pay ;
Divine comestible, thy potent spell
Bids me to eat (though presently unwell)
Thee and eleven others each thy peer,
In all a dozen, to complete the year.
The cloth is spread : a fig for indiges-
tion,
Thy magic art permits no doubt or
• question ;
No need to voice the heart's profound
desires,
One simply eats thee and the rest trans-
pires !
But still I may as well, before I feed,
Mention precisely all the tilings I need.
Item, the Public at the present time
Displays a base indifference to rhyme ;
Between us, nothing really could be
worse
Than the immediate sale for humorous
verse.
It isn't that I 'm thinking of myself :
Toilsome obscurity and lack of pelf
I 'm quite accustomed to : what sears my
heart
Is the unparalleled offence to Art.
The evil 's rank : the remedy is clear ;
I think you might attend to this next year.
Item, a lovely maid, the counterpart
Of Venus' self, haa won my trusting
heart ;
I met her first while taking tea and
muffins
With Mrs. JONKS : her name 'a CORDELIA
I know she looks with favour on my suit,
But CLUFFJNS Senior is a perfect brute,
His tone is vulgar and his voice is hoarse,
His manner, towards myself, extremely
coarse.
His kindlier feelings badly want a jog
(Something might also happen to the
dog).
At any rate, for better or for wuss
I want the girl : please pull this off for us.
Item, my uncle, old JOSIAH CHITTY,
A tallow-broker somewhere in the City.
He's a philanthropist, in broken health,
The sort that often misapply their
wealth.
In short he 's ripe to quit this world of
cares,
And I am one of his prospective heirs.
Life would be easier without a doubt
If Uncle JOSY were to peter out.
This view may strike you as an idle whiin,
But still I think you might attend to him.
Item but no : I feel the above will do,
At any rate till January 's through.
(Old CLUFFINS in particular should try
The powers of any well-developed' pie.)
My further wants sluill exercise the art
Of February's individual tart.
And now I eat : what boots one night of
pain,
When thirty days of happiness remain ?
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
GAMES AND THE MAN.
f"Sport" savs Mr. CtsxLNGHAME GRAHAM, in a recent letter to the
//«manifnrian,""has often been defended as being the image of war,
and as tending to render those who engage in it manly and warlike . . .
But there are the Japanese, none of whom are sportsmen, for one can
hardly class their fishing (after a battle) in the category^ of sport . . .
% any nation of sportsmen more brave or more warlike ? '
0 FOR the faiths of long ago
On which our fancy loved to lean,
When naked Truth was still to know,
And we were young and very green ;
Now are they mostly hollow myths,
Like to the " king y-crowned in Fairy,"
Or those high gods in Dr. SMITH'S
Inimitable Dictionary.
To history's radium, piercing through,
Reluctantly each legend yields :•—
Witness the tale of Waterloo
As won on Eton's playing-fields ;
Its authorship \a not in doubt :
The Duke unquestionably said it :
Only, the facts therein set out
Are deemed no longer worthy credit.
We nursed, till now, the cherished creed
That none could cope with swords and flames,
Or do a dashing warrior-deed
Save he excelled in " manly games ; "
( lames were " a mimic warfare," and
Unless an officer could play 'em
He had no leg on which to stand.
" 0 hasn't he? " says Mr. GRAHAM !
" Go mark the Jap ! He wades in gore,
He gives, and takes, the shrewdest knocks,
Although he never snicked a four,
Or ran to earth the ruddy fox ;
He laughs to hear the bullets hum,
' Banzai! ' he yells and lays the £02 low ;
And yet he never screwed a scrum.
Or took a casual toss at polo.
" How he achieves it, who can say ?
I don't suppose he ever stood
Intent to grass his fluttered prey
Outside a pheasant-haunted wood ;
Yet thus employed, or in the course
Of armed affrays with instant rabbits,
We think to learn that cool resource
Which stamps the man of martial habits.
'' 'Tis true, at times, he has his fling
Upon a river-bank or mole,
Trying for fish with baited string
Dependent from a bamboo-pole ;
Yet he pursues this gentle art
Rather by way of relaxation
Than as a prime essential part
Of military education.
" He routs the Cossack ; yet he spends
No time on racing, or can see
Much merit in a school that tends
To feats (we 're told) of chivalry ;
Can you conceive our soldiers' brains
Reft of the tipster's useful knowledge ?
Or picture Ascot's tented plains
Without the Camberley Staff-College?"
0 Mr. GRAHAM, you have cleft
This heart in twain by your report ;
At worst we had one solace left—
Our manhood's faith in British Sport !
The rest might go— art, science, trade —
Sport was the only thing that mattered ;
On this the Empire's base was laid, —
And now — that last illusion 's shattered !
THE DELIGHT OF GIVING.
0. S.
useful hints for Yule-tide gifts.)
BY ME. PUNCH'S SOUVENIR-SPECIALIST.
SEVERAL correspondents have asked me to suggest any
present which would be at all likely to, give pleasure to a
Grand Aunt who lias for some years past been a confirmed
Centenarian. As she is practically certain (judging from all
I have read about Centenarians) to be in complete!' possession
of all her faculties than the average person of middle-age, it
would be difficult to find anything more suitable or in better
ta-lc than an 18-h.p. automobile. All the principal drapers
art- just now exhibiting a wonderfully cheap line of car.-.
some of which are marked down as low as 'I'.MI'.t I'.l.t. llff/. !
Another and somewhat less expensive gift is a monkey
always a lively companion for any elderly lady in low spirits
who requires rousing. You can hardly go far wrong with
cither but perhaps the motor-car would be the more rl/if
and up-to-date token of affection.
I'EXKWFE. — I see no objection to your working a pair of
braces for the bachelor Bishop of your Cathedral City except
the difficulty of ever being quili' certain lhat your gift is
proving of practical service to its recipient. \\ by not
embroider him an apron instead ? It should be of black
or a mulberry shade of silk, with the Episcopal arms in
coloured silks in the centre, and quite a coquettish touch
could be given by the addition of two small pockets adorned
with clerical rosettes or bows. In one corner of the apron
you might work a dove, in the other a serpent; this would
give a delightfully artistic and symbolical finish to the
garment — which of course is only intended to be worn with
full evening dress.
0. LETTHAM-ALOOMBE has collected a small fund for the
purpose of presenting each destitute foreign alien now. in
our midst with a small Christmas soiirenii: and wants to
know what I consider they would be most likely to appreciate.
I should say that either an egg-whisk or an umbrella-stand
would be received with enthusiasm. Or there are some
delightful Bath squares in four Art shades, which, at two-
and-fivepence-halfpenny apiece, would form a useful and
seasonable present. If for any reason this idea is not
approved of, I'm afraid I can only suggest some little article
of daily use, such as a Bridge-marker, a stamp-damper, or
a cab-whistle.
CI.AUCY.— There is no particular reason why you should not
send the Duke a slight token of remembrance this Christmas
if you think proper to do so, especially if, as you say, he lias
rather gone out of his way to be affable to you on more than
one occasion. The difficulty with a Duke, of course, is to give
him anything that he hasn't got already. If I were you, the
next time I met him I should lead the conversation with
apparent carelessness to the subject of trouser-stretchers, and,
should you succeed in ascertaining that he does not possess
such an article, you might do worse than supply the deficiency.
They are not expensive — the best costing no more than ten
shillings, but of course you could easily have one made for
you in solid silver and enamelled with the ducal cipher, or a
spray of holly, or possibly a robin, which would save you
from all suspicion of stinginess.
COUNTY FAMILY writes : " My old housekeeper will have
DE MORTUIS " &c.
SHAW. OK SiiAKsi-KAiiK (to Mi!. J'uN.iii. "I HEAU 1HKY WANT TO DO SOMETHING TO PERPETUATE
JIV MKMDHY. I SAY, OLD MAN, DON'T LET 'KM PUT UP A FTATUE!"
DECEMBER 21, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
437
COMPLEMENTARY.
Exasperated Amateur Photographer (to girls who have been " rotting " a good deal).
CHARMING BACKGROUND ! "
'PLEASE KEEP STILL. Yon ARE SPOILING BOOB <
been'with me fifty-five years next Christmas, and I should
like to give her a little something, just for once, to mark the
occasion, but cannot think of anything really appropriate.
Can you help me ? "
Has she got a Sandow Exerciser, a bicycle bell, or an
ocarina? Any one of these gifts would be regarded by her
as an act of graceful condescension on your part. But
perhaps an even safer present would be a diamond tiara.
GENEROUS UNCLE. — I certainly think that, if you carry out
your intention of presenting the young couple with an elegant
drawing-room suite at £6 13s. 8d. from the Tottenham Court
Road, you will be making them a most magnificent Christmas
present — especially if you throw in the Art coal-scuttle at
three-and-eleven. As an artist, your nephew is sure to treasure
the handsomely carved monumental slab representing the
last moments of your first wife, and will undoubtedly
assign it the place of honour over his dining-room mantel-
piece. You could not possibly have hit upon a cheerier
selection, and will have the satisfaction of knowing that you
have rendered at least one home bright and happy in the
coming Yule-tide !
ONE OF A NUMEROUS FAMILY. — Yes, I know it is a great tax
— especially with so many cousins whom one cannot abide,
but who still must not be forgotten ! However, it is quite a
fallacy to suppose that you cannot indulge your generous
impulses except at a ruinous expense. Remember that it is
not the value of the gift that counts, but the spirit in which
it is given. By following my instructions, you will be able
with little or no outlay to present all the male and female
members of your circle of relations with a gift that will
certainly strike them as infinitely more valuable than the
one they gave you. First for the ladies : Save up, or ask
your chemist to oblige you with, as many empty pill-boxes
as you may require. Fill each box with emery powder
(which the cook will procure for you, and put down in the
bills). Then cover neatly with scraps of velvet, silk, or
brocade (these your dressmaker will be quite grateful to
you for picking up off her floor). Finish off with gold
cord — which you will have saved from crackers — and you
have a tasty and artistic trifle that no ' one will ever
believe could possibly have cost less than fourpence-three-
farthings.
Next for the gentlemen : A match-box is always a useful
present for a gentleman — even if he is not a smoker. Ask
the parlour-maid to keep the empty Tandstickor boxes for
you. When you have enough of these, cover the inner box
with gold or silver paper off the crackers. Remove the outer
case and wash it over with a solution of weak gum, or sugar
and water. Before it dries, sprinkle it all over with SIMPKIN'S
Silver Frost (this you will probably have to purchase at a
Fancy Stationer's. It costs a penny a packet, but one packet
will do quite a number of boxes). When dry, glue a season-
able device (which you can cut out from your last year's
Christinas cards) on the top of each- and I venture to
predict that you will be quite surprised at the admiration
and gratitude of your male friends and relatives as they
open the parcels containing your effective but inexpensive
little offerings. If you care to go to the additional expense,
you can fill each box about a third full with Tandstickors,
but this is not absolutely essential for an object which is
chiefly decorative. F. A.
4:38
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[PET-EMBER 21, 1904.
SEE HOW THEY RUN.
(On oiairi rj'n i«i.)
A REVISED edition of Hymns Anricnt nnd Modern, ii
which various hymns familiar to us from our childhood h;m
been subjected to extensive emendations with a viewjti
remedying their metrical deficiencies or improving their
ethical tone, lias recently been issued to a grateful Public.
Encouraged by the chorus of delight with which this
courageous enterprise lias been received by the Press
Mr. Punch has embarked upon a task equally bold and
certainly not less necessary. It is, in fact, the production ol
a revised edition of our English Nursery Rhymes. Children
of the least delicacy of feeling must constantly have been
shocked by the barbarous and occasionally sanguinary
episodes with which this class of literature is defaced ; while,
though the metres are usually well enough, the rhyme* arc
often of the poorest description and sometimes hardly worthy
of the name. To take an obvious instance, the story of Jack
and Jill : -
JACK and JILL
Went up the liill
To fetch a pail of water,
JACK fell down
And broke his crown,
And JILL came tumbling after.
This is obviously a painful episode — and all modern educa-
tionists are agreed that the element of pain should be excluded
as far as possible from childish literature — while the rhyme
"water" and "after" is so deplorable that it would bring
tears to the eyes of any sensitive child. Certainly Mr. Punch,
who is rather fastidious in these matters, would never admit
such a rhyme to his columns. The poem therefore needs
drastic revision as follows : —
JACK and JILL ••
Went up the- hill
To fetch a pail of water,
JILL fell down —
But saved her crown,
For JACK politely caught her !'
Here the rhyme is improved, the catastrophe avoided, and a
lesson in masculine courtesy insinuated- the poem being
t'lereby rendered suitable for family reading.
Again, the story of Tliree Blind Mice is a horrible one,
and quite unfitted for any nursery. The idea of blindness,
even where only a mouse is concerned, is far too tragic to lie
treated with levity, while the idea that any woman would
deliberately cut off an animal's tail — and use a carving-knife
for the purpose !— is unspeakably repulsive. In Mr. I'nm'h'a
edition these undesirable features have been removed, and the
poem now reads : —
Three blonde mice —
See how they run !
They all ran after the farmer's wife,
A kindly lady of blameless life,
Who never would dream of employing a knife
On three blonde mice !
Old Kln'j Cole is a comparatively unobjectionable ditty,
but there is an hilarious tone about it which is open to
criticism; while the contents of the "bowl'.' should be clearly-
stated in the interests of Band of Hope propaganda. The
opening stanza should therefore run :-—
Old King (.'01.1:
Was a temperate soul,
Oh a temperate soul was he !
When on festive occasions he called for hi.s \> nvl
Jt was always a bowl of tea.
11 .S'ow/ of Sixpence it has been found possible to
retain unaltered, at least for the present, but with the growth
of Vegetarianism it may ultimately be necessary to alter the
blackbirds into black currants.
Treated in this way it will be found that Nursery rhymes
like hymns, are capable of indefinite amelioration, and who
the new edition is in the hands of the public Mr. PuncJ
hopes it will be generally admitted that the revisers have
been entirely .successful in destroying the charm of the
originals while not greatly improving the sense.
TO AN OLD FRIEND.
f The rhinoceros, "JiM," the "oldest inhabitant" of the Zoo, has a
length joined the great majority.]
TIME flies apace, and Death makes many claims ;
Old favourites vanish, giving place to new ;
I !ul this was hardly what we looked for, JAMK?,
From you.
For fifty years we'd pored upon your slow
But sportive gait, your mirth-provoking eye ;
Nobody ever dreamt that you would go
And die.
For fifty years our doting little ones
Had loved the generous air that round you clings ;
\ on were their prime receptacle for buns
And things.
JTMBO had gone to glory, smashing trains ;
JINGO had vanished in the briny deep ;
E'en HAXNIBAI. had laid his old remains
To sleep.
Giraffes, tarantulas and chimpanzees
Arrived and perished in our alien clime,
But you we deemed as proof against disease
And time.
But now we come, and lo ! you 're vanished too ;
Empty the cage you used' to gambol in ;
Only by paying sixpence may we view
Your skin !
Farewell, old friend, your smile was very dear :
Fate calls, alas ! what is there left to do
But wish a freer, happier New Year
To vou '?
THE FISTIC PROBLEM ABROAD. - -Our Hungarian Parliamentary
correspondent reports : — The chair was taken by a member
)f the Diet, who broke it over the head of the Minister for
War. The Premier, the "strong man of the Government,''
complained of the conduct of those " who had violated the
'onus of the House." While mentioning the forms he made
10 reference to the chairs, whose legs had been used as arms.
:le then contemptuously alluded to the House as a Diet of
Worms, and introduced an Agricultural Bill and two scythes,
with which he attacked the Opposition. Left sitting urn the
loor).
lo> SEVERE.— The defendant who had conducted his own
•ase and lost it, as reported in the Tinn'x of Tuesday. Dec. 13,
inally requested His Honour Judge AMUSON, K.C. (Smth-
vark ('. C.) to be "good enough to state a case for the
Higher Court." But His Honour wasn't "good enough,"
•emarking that "The High Court and every other Court
md every lawyer would laugh at such a defence." If this
vere indeed " the state of the case," then how very unkind
t was of Judge ADDISON to deprive the legal profession
generally of so exceptional a chance of enjoying a good joke.
ADVICE TO IVVE.STOIIS. If you drop a r.wteh, don't strik"
mother to look for it.
DECEMVIR 21, 11104. i
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
409
THE CALL OF THE CONGO.
[Cheap tours on the Congo are being adver-
tised. It is hoped that a substantial reduction
in first-class fare- will speedily popularise the
country.]
I GO as a rule
At the coming of Yule,
To i\ place where the sunshine 's obtru-
sive ;
At Hydros I 'in found,
Where dyspeptics abound,
And massage and physic 's inclusive ;
Or a shelter I grace
In some fashion-plate place
Where the giddy and frivolous throng
go.
But to Fashion adieu,
If the rumour is true
Tin' if' iv reduciiuj tin' /ares on the Congo.
Each English resort
Will lack my support,
Nor do Cannes or Mentone intrigue me,
I see the same faces
At watering-places,
And the places and faces fatigue me.
But I now can afford
To career like a lord
'I'u tin- land of the palm and the mango ;
To the Tropics 1 '11 ship
For a cheap little trip,
A week-end at warm Wango-wango.
Eluding the net
< )f my usual set ,
And the hump that it constantly gave me,
The lies and the smirks
Of refinement that irks —
In the Jellala Falls I will lave me.
In a place I will stay
That is called 0-go-iray,
I will shake by the hand the Obongo,
And with vigour renewed
I shall come back imbued
With the charms that are cheap on the
Congo.
DISTINGUISHED INVALIDS.
(Latest Bulletins.)
["A person writing to the Daily Dispatch
savs the Marquess of ANGLESEY'S wonderful
polyglot parrot is not ill, but on the contrary
was laughing and chatting very heartily on
Monday." -"iV. James'* Gazette.]
WE are glad to be able to state that
Lord MOUNT SORREL'S favourite monkey,
which has been suffering lately from
Phlebitis, is well on the way to recovery.
No further bulletins will be issued.
The report that Lady AGATHA Frrz-
HUNTER'S pet pony was confined to the
stable with Bronchitis is grossly exag-
gerated. The pony merely complained
of being a little horse. The joke, of
course, like its maker, was a chestnut.
Mrs. MAHTIX BRAIH.EY'S French poodle
IN A TRAM-CAR.
Lady (irith nmellij basket of fish}. " DESSAY YOU'D BATHER 'AVE A GExr.EMAN FETTIX'
A-S1DE OF YOU?"
O tided Youth (who has been eilyiitg aicay). "YES, I WOl'LD."
lady. "SAME 'ERE! "
is rapidly re-covering. It is admitted
on all hands, however, that it was a
remarkably close shave.
The alarming rumour that Lord BARN-
DOHE'S famous owl (which had been
suffering from insomnia lately) had
committed suicide on Tuesday night, is
happily contradicted' this morning. It
appears that the owl had merely left the
house for a few hours for a special
purpose-- to wit, to woo!
Lord RASPBERRY'S prize turkey, which
a short time ago had a painful operation
performed on its neck, was able to
appear at dinner last night and received
a cordial welcome from those present.
The absurd tale that I«idy HOPTV.N
WOOD'S pretty little Manx cat was
suffering from diseased liver has no
foundation in fact. The liver was per-
fectly good', and similar to that usually
supplied.
440
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 21, 1904.
LIFE'S LITTLE DIFFICULTIES.
VII. — THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS.
i.
The Per. Lawrence Lidbetter to his curate
the Rev. Arthur Starling.
DEAR STARLING,— I am sorry to appear
to be running away at this busy season,
but a sudden call to London on business
leaves me no alternative. I shall be
back on Christmas Eve for certain,
perhaps before. You must keep an eye
on the decorations, and see that none of
our helpers get out of hand. I have
serious doubts as to Miss GREEK.
Yours, L. L.
11.
Mrs. Clibborn to the Rev. Lawrence
Lidbetter.
DEAR RECTOR,— I think we have got
over the difficulty which we were talking
of — Mr. LULHAM'S red' hair and the
discord it would make with the crimson
decorations. MAGQIE and POPSY and I
have been working like slaves, and have
put up a beautiful and' effectual screen
of evergreen which completely obliterates
the key-board and organist. I think
you will be delighted. Mr. STARLING
approves most cordially.
Yours sincerely,
MARY CLIBBORN.
in.
Miss Pitt to the Rev. Lawrence
Litfbetter.
MY DEAR MR. LIDBETTER, — We are all
so sorry you have been called away, a
strong guiding hand being never more
needed. You will remember that it was
arranged that I should have sole charge
of the memorial window to Colonel
SOPER — we settled it just outside the
Post Office on the morning that poor
BLADES was kicked by the Doctor's pony.
Well, Miss LOCKIE now says that Colonel
SOPER'S window belongs to her, and she
makes it impossible for me to do any-
thing. I must implore you to write to
her putting it right, or the decorations
will be ruined. Mr. STARLING is kind,
but quite useless. Yours sincerely,
VIRGINIA PITT.
IV.
Miss Loekie to the Rev. Lawrence
Lidbetter.
MY DEAR MR. LIDBETTER, — I am sorry
to have to trouble you in your enforced
rest, but the interests of the church
must not be neglected', and you ought to
know that Miss PITT not only insists that
the decoration of Colonel SOPER'S window
was entrusted to her, but prevents me
carrying it out. If you recollect, it was
during tea at Mrs. MILLSTONE'S that it
was arranged that I should be respon-
sible for this window. A telegram to
Miss PITT would put the matter right at
once. Dear Mr. STARLING is always so
nice, but he does so lack firmness.
Yours sincerely,
MABEL LOCKIE.
v.
Mrs. St. John to the Rev. Lawrence
Lidbetter.
DEAR RECTOR, — I wish you would let
Miss GREEN have a line about the decora-
tion of the pulpit. It is no use any of
us saying anything to her since she
went to the Slade School and acquired
artistic notions, but a word from you
would work wonders. What we all feel
is that the pulpit should be bright and
LADIES, WOULD NOT MB. PUNCH MAKE AN IDEAL
HISBAND AT CHRISTMAS-TIME?
gay, with some cheerful texts on it, a
suitable setting for you and your helpful
Christmas sermon, but Miss GREEN'S
idea is to drape it entirely in black
muslin and purple, like a lying in state.
One can do wonders with a little cotton
wool and a few yards of Turkey twill,
but she will not understand this. How
with all her nouveau art ideas she got
permission to decorate the pulpit at all
I cannot think, but there it is, and the
sooner she is stopped the better. Poor
Mr. STARLING drops all the hints he can,
but she disregards them all.
Yours sincerely,
CHARLOTTE ST. JOHN.
Miss Olive Green to the Rev. Lawrence
Lidbetter.
DEAR MR. LIDBETTER, — I am sure you
will like the pulpit. I am giving it the
most careful thought, and there is every
promise of a scheme of austere beauty,
grave and solemn and yet just touched
with a note of happier fulfilment.
For the most part you will find the
decorations quite conventional — holly
and evergreens, the old terrible cotton-
wool snow on crimson background. But
I am certain that you will experience a
thrill of satisfied surprise when your
eyes alight upon the simple gravity of
the pulpit's drapery and its flowing
sensuous lines. It is so kind of you to
give me this opportunity to realise some
of my artistic self. Poor Mr. STARLING,
who is entirely Victorian in his views
of art, has been talking to me about
gay colours, but my work is done for
you and those who can understand.
Yours sincerely,
OLIVE GREEN.
VII.
Mrs. Millstone to the Rev. Lawrence
Lidbetter.
DEAR RECTOR, — Just a line to tell you
of a delightful device I have hit upon
for the decorations. Cotton -wool, of
course, makes excellent snow, and rice is
sometimes used, on gum, to suggest
winter too. But I have discovered that
the most perfect illusion of a white rime
can be obtained by wetting the leaves
and then sprinkling flour on them. I
am going to get all the others to let
me finish off everything like that on
Christmas Eve (like varnishing-day at
the Academy, my husband says), when
it will be all fresh for Sunday. Mr.
STARLING, who is proving himself such a
dear, is delighted with the scheme. I
hope you are well in that dreadful foggy
city. Yours sincerely,
ADA MILLSTONE.
VIII.
Mrs. Hobbs, charwoman, to the Rev.
Lawrence Lidbetter.
HONOURED SIR,--— I am writing to you
because HOBBS and me dispare of getting
any justice from the so called ladies
who have been turning the holy church
of St. Michael and all Angels into a
Covent Garden market. To sweep up
holly and other green stuff I don't mind,
because I have heard you say year after
year that we should all do our best at
Christmas to help each other. I always
hold that charity and kindness are more
than rubys, but when it comes to flour
I say no. If you would believe it Mrs.
MILLSTONE is first watering the holly
and the lorrel to make it wet, and then
sprinkling flour on it to look like hore
frost, and the mess is something dread-
ful, all over the cushions and carpet.
To sweep up ordinery dust I don't
mind, more particulerly as it is my
paid work and bounden duty ; but un-
less it is made worth my while HOBBS
says I must say no. We draw the line
at sweeping up dough. Mr. STARLING
DECEMBER 21, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
is very kind, but as llonns says you are
the Minting head. Awaiting a reply 1
am Your humble servant,
M \KTIIA llollMS.
IX.
MI'K. Vantittart to //«• HIT. /.<Kor/nv
Lidbetter.
&A
ill
DEAD RBCIDB, If I 'am late with the
north windows you must understand
that it is not my fault, but PEDDER'S.
He has suddenly and most mysteriously
adopted an attitude of hostility to his
employers (quite in the way one has
heard of gardeners doing), and nothing
will induce him to cut me any ever-
greens, which he says he cannot spare.
The result is that poor HORACE and
Mr. STARLING have to go out with
lanterns after PEDDER has left the garden,
and cut what they can and convey it to
the church by stealth. I think we shall
manage fairly well, but thought you had
better know in case the result is not
equal to your anticipation.
Yours sincerely,
GRACE VAXSITTART.
x.
Mr. Lulham, organist, to the Rev.
Lawrence Lidbetter.
DEAR SIR,- -I shall be glad to have a
line from you authorising me to insist
upon the removal of a large screen of
evergreens which Mrs. CLIBBORX and her
daughters have erected by the organ.
There seems to be an idea that the
organ is unsightly, although we have
had no complaints hitherto, and the
effect of this barrier will be to interfere
very seriously with the choral part of the
service. Mr. STARLING, sympathises with
me, but has not taken any steps.
Believe me, Yours faithfully,
WALTER LII.IUM.
XI.
The /iVr. Lairrente Lidbetter to
Mrs. Lidbettei:
MY DEAREST HARRIET, 1 am having, as
I expected, an awful tim.v with the
decorations, and I send yon a batch of
letters and leave the situation to you.
Miss PITT had better keep the Soper
window, (iive the I/VKIE girl one of
the autograph copies of my Nnii'ow
Path, with a reference underneath my
name to the chapter on self-sacrifice, and
tell her how sorry I am that there has
been a misunderstanding. Mrs. HOURS
must have an extra hall'-a-crown, and the
flouring must be discreetly discouraged'
on the ground of waste of food material.
Assure Ln.iiAM that there shall be no
barrier, and then tell Mrs. C.'uinioitx that
the organist has been given a pledge
I hat nothing should intervene between
his music and the congregation. I am
dining with the L.vwsoxs to-night, and
we go afterwards to the 7V/«;«'.< I think.
Your devoted L.
THE GREAT QUESTION.
Fond Young Motlier dritli jirxt-liiirii). "Now, WHICH OF rs IHI voi THINK in: is IIKK?"
Friend (judicially). " WKU., OF coriisK, iNTKM.HiEWK ins NUT IIIIUI.Y iit\vNi:n is ins
fOI'STENANCE YET, BIT HE 's WoNDKKKI'I.I.Y I IKK BciTII OK Yiil !"
SCIENCE NOTES.
Puj Profftfor Job Jjoii.
BKIMIIDHEN SPORTSMEN.
AriYiRnixo, to the Onlooker the newest
cure is dining in bed, especially after a
long day's motoring. If it is a taste
for automobilism that such fragile in-
dividuals are to be cured of, one might
suggest that, a simpler remedy would be
to stop in bed altogether. However.
Society will be served, and the next step
will be a combination of feather-bed and
motor. We fully exped 10 see very
shortly a procession of petrol-driven
four-posters along the Brighton road.
with electric warming-pans and night-
lights complete, also arrangements for
being called, on occasion, by the hedge-
row policeman, for travelling below the
legal limit of pa.-e. and thereby obstruct-
ing the tratlie. Very little change will
be required to transform ihe piv-mi
motor costume into a dressing-gown
and night-oap. When all the scon-lit r-
have retired to nxist or fallen out, hone-t
pedestrians and cyclists will come by
their rights. The term "bed-ridden"
now bids fair to acquire a new shade of
meaning, both active and passive.
Ql'EKV (hi/ one u'lio i.< mil rcri/ u ell n/i
in Latin, and now does not intend In /«•>.
\\ as "1'iiitt'ifes MnsiiHtt*" the. title
given to the best player at liridge
the ancient Romans? Si
fs"'il /ilni-i'liilnc iitilii ilnre
[Nut quite forgotten my ancie.it scholar-
ship. M.A.
by
ho--
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBKR 21, 1904
THE LAST STRAW.
Giles. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT 'TIS COMIN' TO! POOR BILL'S C;ONE, TER AI:ST EMMA'S BROKE 'EH I.E.;, TER POOR OLD MOTHER'S VERT
ILL, AN' NOW, DANU IT ALL, THERE'S A FOWL DEAD ! "
A PRESENT PERPLEXITY.
THE time grows short !
(\ sounding phrase, but void of comfort to me) ;
And still 1 am enveloped in 'a sort
Of mental nebula, obscure and gloomy.
I dare not risk
A 'swift resolve — the issue is too solemn — •
I dread her staiv, so like the basilisk,
Sending cold shivers down my spinal column.
And I recall
A former dire result of rash decision,
When tremblingly I had to suffer all
The tortures of her merciless derision ;
When she refused
Alike well-meant excuse and flattering unction,
And cast my 'offering, twisted up and bruised,
Into the fire without the least compunction.
If I could peep
Into her maiden longings, vague and dim, like
Some old magician, then I'd quickly leap
High o'er the difficulty, Sunny J unlike.
Alas ! I fear
That mine is not the wizard's avocation,
And I shall see' my course of action clear •
Only through long-drawn mental tribulation.
This is the llx.
That plunges me in worry s > unpleasant :--
Her name is AXGKLA, her age is six ;
What can 1 give her for a Christinas present?
Commercial Candour.
IN the Scarborough Post, under the head of " Christmas
Cheer," a local firm advertises :
Mince Meat, 1«. per lb., our own moke.
THE first officer of the Malacca, lately arrived in London,
; reports as follows : --" When we had got as far as the bottom
I of the Red Sea, we were stopped by the Pt'terbiinj." He
says nothing, however, of PHAUAOH'S chariots.
"BISHOPS," said the Rev. Mr. PHILLIPS to the Playgoers'
Club, "are not really so stiff and starchy as they are made
out to be. There is a good heart beneath the gaiters." Calf-
love, we presume.
—
DECEMBER 21, 1904.]
CHARIVARIA.
WITH reference to the Children's Hole
which has been opened in Peuibridge
Sqiiare, we are sorry to hear the rumour
that, although there are many comforts in
the buildings, some of the little inmate»
are complaining bitterly of the absence
of card-tables.
An hotel for motorists only is to be
established near Cannes. Segregation
seems a capital idea.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
445
A gentleman writes to the Express to
protest against the christening of war-
ships by means of a bottle of wine. As
a matter of fact, we understand that, as
often as not, some thoughtful Jack Tar
prevents the waste by (unofficially)
changing the contents of the bottle.
General LYTTELTON, speaking at Lei
cester last week, on the work of the
Army Council, said, " We work in what
I may call water-tight compartments."
The object of this is, we suppose, to try
and prevent the water getting to the brain
as it so often did at the old War Office.
The Army Council's idea of provid-
ing an organ for the publication of
articles which were not up to the stand-
ard of the existing Service Journals
lias been abandoned. " Financial con-
siderations " are given as the official
reason. The expense of obtaining pur-
chasers would have been enormous.
Sir 'Entry Campbell-Baimerman fulli'is that
there Joseph to the " Hedinburrer Corstle."
" ' Try to be a gentleman,' eh ? I 'II give 'ini
ivhat for ! "
THE DEFENCELESS CRUSTACEAN.
JOHN BULL AT THE MEROY OF HIS ENEMIES. INDIGNANTLY DEDICATED TO THE WAR OFFICE AND
SCCTESSIVE SECRETARIES OF STATE FOR WAB.
[" This country follows the procedure of that edible invertebrate, the lobster. At intervals
the lobster casts its shell, and until a new one grows he is absolutely helpless and hag to
conceal himself in a hole. That is our case, only we have no sheltering hole .... We appoint
a committee which discovers a number of things previously known to all other nations, we
provide ourselves with a new shell, lucky if nobody attacks us in the meantime, and then we go
;o sleep again." — The " Times" on the disgraceful state of our Field Artillery, Dec. 15.]
A Somerset vicar was thoughtlessly
described by the chairman of his annual
parish meeting as " a capable preacher,
a good golfer, and a graceful dancer."
And now the Cake-Walkers are after
lim.
Judge TINDAL ATKINSON has just come
to the conclusion that a schoolmaster is
not a gentleman. Some schoolboys had
suspected this for years.
The Macedonian Gipsies having ex-
pressed their willingness to go to Ger-
iiany if they were paid £50, the amount,
t is said, was immediately subscribed
several times over. Where will this
nsensate hatred of Germany stop '!
We hear that Russia has decided to
follow the British Admiralty's example
of re-naming the fleets, and that the
Baltic Fleet will be known in future as
the Half-seas-over Fleet, and the Port
Arthur Fleet as the Submarine Fleet.
Londoners sometimes grumble because
there is no Sunday delivery of letters as
in the country, but they have their con-
solation : this year their worst enemies
cannot force them to receive Christinas
cards on the 25th.
Ants' Nests are said to be the latest
novelty in gifts. Rough-coated dogs
have, of course, been a common form of
present for some time.
The King of ITALY proposes to give a
•-tat ue of CAESAR to New York, to stand
lic-iide that of FREDERICK THE GKI.U.
presented' by the KAISER. Such jealousy
seems to Us to be very petty.
are phases of victory in the
Sugar trade. Saccharins has manv
enemies, but she has one stout ally, and",
curiously enough, will be victorious
when she is Sugar Beet.
446
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
[DECEMBER 21, 1904."
QUEEN SYLVIA.
CHAPTER V.
Tlie Poet Laureate's Audience.
I MUST tell you, with regard to the Laureateship of Hinter-
land, that it differed from similar offices in other countries
in being dependent upon the result of a popular election.
The office was held for life, on the condition of writing and
publishing every year (at the poet's own expense) two odes,
a sonnet, a narrative poem on the rural districts, and one
blank verse drama with lyrics interspersed. In the Act
establishing the office penalties were laid down for such
offences as it was thought possible a poet might commit,
cannot do better than quote the penal clause of the Act
(5 Fred. 1., Cap. 13):—
• ' Any Laureate who shall commit a false rhyme or omit a rhyme
"in any place in which the said rhyme may be justly held
due to occur or shall protract any line of poetry beyond
its proper length or shall so vary his metre as to distract
the attention or shock the susceptibilities of any reader
of full age shall on conviction before a stipendiary magis-
trate or a Court of Quarter Sessions be liable at the dis-
cretion of the Magistrate or Chairman to imprisonment
not exceeding one month as a prisoner of the second
class or in the alternative to a penalty not exceeding £10
for every offence proved against him."
This, it must be admitted, was a stringent clause, and
there was a constant agitation for its repeal amongst the
more advanced literary circles of the country. Why, it was
asked, should a Poet Laureate be more strictly tied down to
keep certain antiquated rules of poetic expression than any
other poets? Seeing that the Laureate, owing to his high
position, set a standard to others, the effect of hampering
him must necessarily be to hamper the rest, and thus the
originality of those who professed the art must be seriously
restricted'. Besides, what appeared to one generation to be
a false rhyme might in the progress of poetry be absolutely
correct in another, and thus there could be no consistency in
the character of the offences punished from time to time.
The great Laureate GRAMBLICHUS, for instance, had undergone
a month's confinement in the last century for rhyming
" shadow" with " meadow," but a recent decision (on appeal)
of the Lord Chief Justice had laid it down that this rhyme
was permissible. On these and similar grounds they
demanded the repeal of the clause. It is, however, to the
credit of the Hinterlanders that the strong good sense which
is, perhaps, their most eminent characteristic, had hitherto
made them deaf to these clamours.
On the other hand, the emoluments of the office were
substantial. The Laureate was entitled to draw as salary
£100 a year in money and fourteen pounds of best beef
every week from the Royal larder. In addition he was
entitled to have his official lyre re-strung twice a year at the
public expense, to have his hair dressed by the Court wig-
maker, and to charge for two suits of bright green taffetas
every year. Quarters were provided for him in the bell-
tower of the King's Palace. I ought to add that, on the
death or resignation of any incumbent of the office, candi-
dates were at once invited to submit their names, accom-
panied by testimonials, to the Chamberlain, and after an
interval of three weeks, during which the poets stumped the
country giving specimens of their powers, the electors were
summoned to the polling-booths to decide the matter. All
males of full age were entitled to be registered as voters,
"save and except only" (I quote the words of the Act
" notorious poets or such persons as may have been found
to be idiots or lunatics or convicts or in arrear with their
taxes for a period of not less than two years immediately
preceding such election."
The present Laureate had held the office for "four years,
aaving received ten thousand votes more than the candidate
who was second on the poll. He had not been a poet all his
ife, for he was born in a humble rank, and had been bred to.
'ollow his father's somewhat prosaic business of brick-laying.
Nothing, however, could long stand in the way of his metrical
impulse. He was rescued from bricks by a literary agent
who chanced to hear him declaiming an original composition
to his fellow-workmen, and was struck by his genius. Since
then he had made good use of his time, and had published'
twelve volumes of selected poetry and seven tragedies— only
one (the first) of which had, however, been actually produced
on the stage. His hair, most of which he had lost, had never
hern long; his eyes were not dreamy; his brow did not
recall marble, and he was stout and of short stature. Indeed,
lie looked more like a prosperous silversmith than anything
ir anybody else. On this morning he was to have an official
salience of his Sovereign, and as on these occasions it was
imperative that the conversation on his side should be carried
on in verse he was not without some, natural nervousness as
to the result ; for even poets have their off-moments.
When the Laureate was announced SYLVIA was already
seated on the throne in her audience-chamber, and thither
lie was at once conducted by the Chamberlain. When he
entered he bowed very low, and SYLVIA having graciously
signified to him that he might speak freely, he thus began :
" If your Majesty pleases, 1 've con.e to make sure
That your Royal approval of me will endure.
( )f your pity I beg let me bask for a space
In the beams born of beauty that shine from your face;
And the least of your poets will humbly endeavour
To pray that your life may continue for ever."
Here he paused and coughed, as though expecting the
Queen to make a remark.
"Oh, how very clever !" said SYI.VI \, clapping her hands
with pleasure. "How in the world do you manage to do it?
The rhymes, for instance. They always puzzle me most
dreadfully whenever I 've tried to compose anything."
The Laureate's face assumed an expression of reverential
admiration, and he started again :—
" Oh triumph of triumphs ! Let all the world know it !
The Queen of our country herself is a poet !
In rhyming, with practice, you won't find much trouble.
Unless, as at present, the rhymes should be double."
"But I shouldn't dream of making double ones," said the
Queen ; " the single sort are quite enough for me."
At this moment a violent scratching was heard on the door
of the audience-chamber.
"It's Rollo," said the Queen, for she noticed that the
Laureate started apprehensively, "my St. Bernard dog. Be
quiet, Rollo!" she called out, "I shan't let you in yet. Go
back to SARAH. I 'm busy."
The Laureate was prompt to seize the occasion.
" Dog," lie said, closing his eyes and wrinkling his fore-
head, as clergymen do when they say grace, " Dog -um — um
— ah— -Dog." Then he opened his eyes and continued : —
" Dog of the dewlap and the dewclaw too,
Much would I give to be turned into you.
Luckiest of dogs, you see the Queen each day,
And can insist where others have to pray.
Yet spare the gilded door you 're clawing now,
Until the poet shall have made his —
" Bow ! " barked Rollo in a deep bass voice from the ante-
room.
SYLVIA laughed. " Rollo 's a poet, too," she said. "'He
finished that line for you splendidly, didn't he ? And now
I think we '11 have dinner. I 'm sure Mamma will be
delighted to see you, and you needn't talk poetry unless you
feel you simply can't help it."
IIKCKMUKK LM, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
417
448
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 21, 1904.
THE GLORY THAT IS GLUBB'S.
How TO SHOP.
[These notes have been compiled
by a member of Mr. Punch's
advertising staff with a view tn
solving the paramount problem
of the moment — Where shall I
do my Christmas shopping ?]
. MAN, or at any rate man's better half
— the half which is more than the whole,
as PLATO remarks in one of his most
luminous obiter dicta — is a
shopping animal, and this
natural instinct, illustrated
alike by the early Minoan
graffiti and the flint imple-
tlients of the prehistoric Poly-
nesians, is developed with
peculiar intensity in " a nation
of shopkeepers," to quote the
jocund phrase of BORSII.I.
Life without shopping is un-
thinkable. But, granted this
momentous and irrefragable
major premiss, we are at once
confronted with the insistent
necessity of deciding where
and under what conditions the
satisfaction of this primordial
impulse can best be achieved.
As Mr. MORLEY remarks of
ROHESPIERRE, nothing is so
painful as the spectacle of the
Unhappy doctrinaire inex-
tricably involved in the in-
tricacies of practice. Without
some plain instructions, the
average individual is in
danger of being paralysed by
the enchevetrement of modern
|ife. To shop in London,
especially at this season, is to
emulate the temerarious ex-
ploits of a football referee,
palvation and sanity can only
]}e compassed by a rigorous
method of decentralisation.
Within a certain radius the
temptations to reckless ex-
penditure in the metropolis
are almost irresistible. Only
the other day a well-known
Fellow of an Oxford College,
a confirmed misogynist and a
rock-climber of European celebrity, went
into Regent Street from his club for half
an hour, and came back to his chambers
flie embarrassed possessor of a diamond
tiara. He was utterly unable to give
any adequate explanation for this rash
act — personally he is a man of ascetic
habits and negligent attire — which must
be ascribed simply to the infection of
environment. But if a man of culture
and self-restraint can be thus beguiled
how much greater must be the tempta-
tion to persons less adequately equipped
The true philosopher no doubt emerges
triumphantly from the ordeal by prac-
tising SYDNEY SMITH'S precepts. When
the spending fit is upon him he will ask
first : Can I afford it ? Second : Can I
do without it? But we cannot be all
philosophers or even Fellows of Colleges.
The average man, still more the average
woman, needs some clearly defined means
of escape from the dangers of propinquity.
In a word, if we would shop with sanity,
\vc must shun the central marts of
BUSINESS.
"HOW MUCH HAVE YOU GOT, BjLf-T ? "
" FOURPENCE."
" I "VE DOT TWOPENCE. LET 's PUT IT TOOETHEB AND GO HALVES ! "
and fortified
Porch ?
with the virtues of the
fashion, we must assist in the re-flow of
the town to the country, so eloquently
pictured by Sir ROBERT HUNTER in the
current Nineteenth Century, and enrol
ourselves amongst the customers of
GLUBB'S Emporium at Little Chipley.
The advantages of such a course are
self-evident, but they may be speedily
enumerated. Little Chipley, which is only
23 miles from Charing Cross, is 3i miles
by road from the station of Slopford on
the South Midland, and by changing at
Bramshall Junction one can get there in
just under two hours. It is impossible
to miss your way, as GLUBB'S is the onlv
shop in the village, in addition to which
the peculiar and entrancing odour
diffused from the premises renders the
task of identification simple even to the
most short-sighted visitors. Here in
close proximity are to be found boots,
corduroy pants, oleo-margarine, oranges,
kerosene, lard-cakes, Spanish onions,
insect-powder, blacking, golden syrup,
apples, and kippers. Variety, - in the
words of ARISTOTLE, is the sweetest of all
boons, and here you have variety, both
of substance and aroma, in tin1
most concentrated and pun-
gent profusion.
The sufferings of shopping
in London are enormously
enhanced' by the vicious system
of departments. To take an
everyday experience, — you
have bought, say, a mink
pelerine and wish to purchase
a hot-water bottle. Accord-
ingly you appeal to a sleek
shopwalker, only to be told,
"Hot- water bottles? Yes,
Madam. Fourth shop to the
left, then take the lift to the
hardware department on the
second floor." These sense-
less and irritating pilgrimages
are unknown to the clients of
GLUBB'S Emporium.
There everything is to be
found within the compass of a
single room of 14 ft. x 12 ft.
You want a Finnan had'die :
you have only to stretch out
your hand and take it. Are
bull's-eyes your dear desire ?
You will find them on the
counter in a glass bottle which
also contains Kentish cobs,
liquorice sticks and postage
stamps. The day is wet and
you think it inadvisable to
face the return journey with-
out some extra protection
against the damp. Goloshes,
arranged in a tasteful festoon
depending from a hook
fastened into the door jamb,
confront your gaze with re-
assuring radiance. This
~" economy of space is truly
marvellous. Picture post-cards are kept
in the snuff-canister, and medlars in a
barrel half-full of bars of washing soap.
There is nothing that GLUBB'S does
not keep, except the more flagrant
luxuries of modern complex civilisation,
such as potted char, star sapphires, and
silk pyjamas. We asked in vain for
these ; but on the other hand we were
instantly served with tinned sardines,
bread, hob-nailed boots, a hammer and
nails, a rat-trap, a bottle of capers, a
ball of string, and some excellent French
figs at a very low figure.
Any shop that contains in profusion
DECEMBER 21, ]904.]
PUNCH, OR THK. LONDON CHARIVARI.
the articles on which the prosperity and
comfort of the wage-earning community
are based may be said to reach very
near perfection ; and GLUBB'S is that shop.
To know GLUBB'S is to know rural
England.
But this exquisite symphony of odours,
this complex and irresistible appeal to
the olfactory organs, coupled with
concentration of commodities impossible
of achievement in a metropolitan shop, do
not exhaust the advantages and attrac-
tions of GLUBB'S Emporium. There
remains to lie added the important con-
sideration that the limited space available
precludes the possibility of such scenes
as are t<x) often witnessed in our monster
shops and stores. It is physically
impossible for more than a do/en persons
to enter ( Ji.i mi's at the same time. There
is, therefore, no danger of panic or of those
strange and turbulent manifestations
analysed by M. RKYNALDO POI:PAIIDIN in his
masterly treatise on La psychologic de la
foule. As GIIIIION remarks, " Conversa-
tion may enrich the intellect, but solitude
is t he true school for genius." If GLUBB'S
does not exactly give us solitude — for
the operations of purchase must always
presuppose at least two persons — at least
we find there an atmosphere of quiet
and seclusion ineffably refreshing after
the turmoil and bustle, say, of Kensing-
ton High Street. This return to Nature,
this emancipation from the oppressive
influence of pompous frock-coated shop-
walkers, makes for that efficiency so
ardently desiderated by Lord ROSEBERY,
and tends to harden and consolidate the
national fibre. There being no delivery
from GLUBB'S, customers are obliged to
carry their parcels home, an effort which,
in the case of luxurious Londoners,
engenders a healthy sense of fatigue of
which they otherwise seldom taste.
Physically, as well us morally and
financially, a visit to GLUBB'S is fraught
with incalculable benefits, and no more
fitting conclusion to this imperfect sur-
vey of a noble institution can be found
than the touching quatrain of the Poet
Laureate :
Philosophers) in ancient days
Were satisfied with tubs :
But we, who walk in modern ways,
Find Paradise at QLUBB'.".
Argumentum ad Pocketum.
IXCORRIGIBLE old Father Time, going
the pace as fast as ever, is annually
brought to book by JOHN WALKER & Co.,
with their useful, natty and Russian-
leather-bound Pocket and Note-books
for the coming year 1905. What
records will not the New Year leave
behind him in hundreds of these same
pocket-books ! What material for any
number of Pepys' Diaries!
NO WOUNDS LIKE THE OLD ONES.
Jiarlier. " H.UR ClT, Sill?"
('iintomer (u>ho has been there
finvi. "Xci. Cms AND CHEKK,
No Sparing of the Rod.
Tin: Essex Education Committee, in
publishing the estimated cost of forming
a School Garden in connection with a
Public Elementary Day School, have
produced the following calculation :
"Class for 12 Boys—
Each boy 1 rod = 12 rod."
At this rate.no child should run the
risk of being spoilt.
I\ order to check extravagance in the
Cavalry, the authorities have decided
that "fines of money or wine are no
longer to be levied oh marriage or pro-
motion, or in respect of a ny minor
irregularities." In future the officer
who commits the major irregularity of
being promoted will not need to -ay.
with the Kinij of Ili'tunarl:. "<>, my
offence is rank ! '
Mr. Punch's Proverbial Philosophy.
lr you want to praise a friend's work
do so before it is finished', or it may lie
too late.
li is better for a nan to forget his
misfortunes than to talk of them, but
In U robbing his friends of a good deal
of honest pleasure.
What were vices once are niami.-is
now', and yet ovcrylwdy is not happy.
If th.- wolf is at your door, be coin
forted ; there is evidently a worse famine
elsewhere.
450
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 21, 1904.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
The Garrick Cl-uh, by PERCY FITZGERALD, F.S.A. (ELLIOT
STOCK;, is a work specially interesting to " Garrick men/
and will be found both entertaining and instructive by al
interested in literature and the drama, whether they may be
members of " The G." or not. Some of the reproductions of
the celebrated pictures, on which the Garrick Club prides itself
are very good ; but this cannot be said of all. A curious
error has been made by the author at p. 70, where a portrait
of GILBERT ARTHUR A BECKETT appears as the portrait of his
father, GILBERT ABBOTT A BECKETT. As Mr. PERCY FITZGERALD
was, probably, personally acquainted with " GIL " A BECKETT
whose portrait appears at p. 381 in Mr. SPIELMAXN'S History
of Punch, and can be compared with that of his father given
at p. 273 in the same work, this is a muddle which a very
little trouble, on the parf of the painstaking PERCY, would
have prevented.
Of the writing of books about the Indian Mutiny there is
no end. Private journals, narratives of eye-witnesses, dis-
quisitions by historians, contribute to the bulk. The last
word has surely been said by Mr. FORREST in hia History of
the. Indian Mutiny, published in two handsome volumes by
BLACKWOOD. Long time Director of Records of the Govern-
ment of India, Mr. FORREST enjoyed exceptional opportunities
of getting at the heart of the matter. A touch of personal
interest completes the appropriateness of his undertaking.
His father, Captain GEORGE FORREST, V.C., was one of the
nine who defended the Delhi maga/ine on May 11, 1857, and
his mother lived through this time of storm and stress, shar-
ing in the display of gentleness and courage that added
fresh lustre to the crown of womanhood. Varying from the
habit of average writers on the stirring topic, Mr. FORREST
never attempts picturesque writing. My Baronite finds in
his narrative something of the stiffness and all the accuracy
of a State paper. But it is brightened on every page by
apt quotation of passages from the testimony of eye-wit-
nesses. It is interesting to note tlial Mas/a, forty-seven years
ago, as during the war in South Africa, and in connection
with the conflict now going on in the Far East, was distin-
guished by graphic records from the bat tie-fields. Lord'
ROBERTS and Sir HENRY NORMAN, who both went through
the Mutiny, read and' revised the narrative before it reached
the public. Other survivors of the fight have contributed fresh
pages to its story. A large map of the British position at Delhi ,
some smaller plans, and many portraits complete the value
of an important contribution to the history of the Empire.
II y a Grevilles et Grevilles, and two are diarists. All the
world knows CHARLES, delighting in his full opportunities,
his keen insight, and his incisive style. After an interval
of twenty years SMITH, ELDER bring out the third series of
Leaves from the Diary of Henry Oreville. They have the
advantage of being edited by Sir HENRY'S niece, the Countess
of STRAFFORD, whose work is admirably done. Compared with
the Memoirs of his more renowned brother, HENRY GREVILLE'S
diary is a little suggestive of the literary effort of a shrewd
maiden aunt who, thanks to family connections, moves in
interesting Society, and has formed a habit, before putting
her curls in paper on retiring to her bedroom, of recording
her impressions of the day. The resemblance is borne out
by the almost pathetic reverence Sir HENRY GREVILLE had for
the Times of his day. He frequently does homage to the
vigour and prescience of that journal, supporting his view
by long quotations. Had he lived into this century my
Barouite would like to have seen his face when urged to
subscribe (by telephone) to the Encyclopaedia Britannica.
Comparison with his brother's work is inevitable. Its'
brilliance need not extinguish the mild effulgence of the
later effort. It does not add much to the information of
mankind. But it is interesting as reviving memories of events
that occupied the public mind in the middle of the nineteenth
century. With Sedan afar off, and the place of Chislehurst
unknown on the map, it is striking to find how dominating
was the figure of NAPOLEON THE THIRD at the epoch dealt with.
Monsieur JOORDAIN was. genuinely and genially surprised
to make discovery that he had been talking prose all his life.
Sir WILFRID LAWSON is not under any mistake as to his
having been writing poetry for at least forty years. His
book, Cartoon-s in Rhyme and Line (FiSHER UNWIN) is
inscribed, " From the worst of poets to the best of wives."
This modesty disarms criticism. It is understood that the
Poet Laureate, in a recent article lamenting the inadequate
recognition paid to the highest form of poetical art, had at
the back of his mind some resentment at the success of the
Lobby Laureate. That is a personal matter. My Baronite,
who for full thirty years, with occasional intervals due to
electoral inconstancy, has known Sir WILFRID in the
House of Commons as a pungent commentator in rhyme on
current jiolitical episodes, delights in this collection of his
work. The lines do not always scan, and the rhymes are
here and there audacious. But the genial humour, the keen
insight and the directness of the commentary are delightful.
Sir WILFRID has found a sympathetic collaborateur in F. ("V G.,
who by way of illustration gives of his very best.
There is a certain place the pavement of which is proverbially
said to consist of good intentions. Employing this concrete
material JAMES THE SECOND only succeeded in constructing a
fxrns asinonun that enabled him to escape from Great Britain
to the Continent. The bridge collapsed, and the return of
the Royal STOARTS, in the direct male line, was rendered
impossible. Of the building and failure of this bridge, the
work entitled Adventures of King Jameit the Second (LONG-
MANS), by the author of the Li/e of Sir Kenclm Diyby, is an
interesting account, written in a fairly impartial spirit. No
Tacobite, nowadays, can be otherwise than justly irritated by
the sheer obstinacy, self-conceit, and infirmity of principle,
lespite his strong religious convictions, displayed by JAMES
Duke of YORK, who, on his succession to the throne, was wel-
x>med by a majority in so hearty a manner that it proved
his future success to be already three parts assured. His
advisers were ill chosen, and' as the Right Reverend F. A.
GASQUET, the "learned Benedictine," in his cleverly written
areface, points out, JAMES was imprudent, indiscreet, and, in
he earlier part of his private life, unquestionably immoral.
The burden of his dissolute easy-going brother's refrain, of
which JAMES bore a small part, was, " Oles femmes, les femmes,
il n'y a que fa!" only JAMES was not for ever singing it ; more-
over, during his latest years he was a sincere penitent. One
thing certainly is to be placed to his credit, as it was by his con-
.emporary and friend the Earl of AILESBURY, namely, that JAMES
' had nothing so much at heart as the strength and glory of the
?leet and the Navy : it was never in so high a pitch nor in so
great lustre, as during the time of his administration." JAMES
•HE SECOND, as Duke of YORK, may be fairly reckoned as the
Bounder of our Navy. His "
praise, as an administrator at THE •• BARON
he Admiralty, is sung by busi-
ness-like SAMUEL PEPYS.' Inci-
dentally, too, when Duke of
YORK, .TAMES was in a way the
precursor of Mr. CECIL RHODES
as " Governor and Chairman
of the Committee of Manage-
ment of the Chartered African
Company." On the whole, this
s a mOst interesting book, plea-
santly written, and most valuable
"or reference.
B.-W.
DECEMBER 28, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
451
CHARIVARIA.
OUR War Office has at last decided to
arm the Artillery. The new guns, it is
said, are to be ready within two years
and we understand that a polite ines
sage has been sent to all the othei
Powers requesting them not to make
war on us in the interim.
Herr RENAUI.D, a Colonel in the Ger-
man Army, having stated that a wai
between European Powers would noi
cost less than £6,000,000 daily, severa
offers have been received from enter
prising Americans — including, we are
told, one from the gentleman who was
responsible for the successful War Spec-
tacle at the St. Louis Exposition— offering
to do the thing for considerably less.
Mr. JOHN MOIIUCY, whom we liad al
been accustomed to look upon as
staunch Liberal, lias been recommending
everyone to read BYRON, and poor Sir
WILFRID LAWSOX, who has just published
a volume of verse, is said, not withoui
reason, to be piqiied. This is the sort o:
treatment which drives people to drink.
" I rebel with all my soul against the
phrase ' light literature,' " said Mr. HALL
CAINE at a banquet last week. The delu-
sion under which this great writer is
labouring, if he supposes that the phrase
is commonly applied to his own work, is
rather pathetic.
We hear that Mr. HALL CAINE has been
much gratified by a statement made to
him by a Society lady to the effect that,
until she came across his book, she had
never heard of the Prodigal Son. Mr.
CAINE hopes, if he be spared to us long
enough, gradually to re- write the whole
of the Bible. There are tons of money
in the idea.
A gruesome incident is reported to
us from the Law Courts. It happened
just before the Vacation. The usher
attached to a certain Court was dozing
peacefully, 'when he was suddenly
awakened by loud laughter. " Silence
in Court ! " he shouted, starting up —
not knowing that it was the Judge's
joke which had called forth the applause.
It is thought, however, that the fellow
will be re-instated.
Automobile prison-vans are to be in-
troduced in Paris, and local criminals
are already giving themselves airs.
We hear that a new series of Cookery
Books is about to be published. Sug-
gested title : The Grub Street Series.
We feel sure that the Editor of the
Daily Mail will be sorry to hear that
STUDIES IN EXPRESSION.
PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN ABOUT TO TAKE A COLD BATH.
he has been instrumental in getting a
little boy into serious trouble. In the
list of suggested Christmas presents
which our contemporary published the
other day, under the heading " For
Father" appeared "Large Bath Sponge."
The youth in question followed the
Mails advice, and his father, who is a
German gentleman, proved absurdly
touchy, and the little lad is not yet able
to sit down with comfort.
By the by, though it is true that a
book will generally form an acceptable
present, a thoroughly tactful person will
lot give The Complete Motorist to one who
las just lost a leg in a motor accident.
An amusing incident, showing the
ate we live at, has been brought to our
lotice. On the 24th of this month
'ather Christinas went to a bookstall
and asked' if any Christmas numbers
vere out. "Lor' bless yer, Sir, they've
boy to the astonished old gentleman >
" only a few soiled remnants left."
A new fresco has been unveiled in the
Royal Exchange. It commemorates for
all times the incident of a Lord Mayor,
in the reign of RICHARD THE THIRD, deliver-
ing judgment in a dispute which had
arisen between the Merchant Taylors'
and the Skinners' Companies as to the
right of precedence. This is the kind
of event whose memory a grateful nation
will not easily let die.
MR. PIXCH would have hesitated to
publish the following statement with
regard to a recent census in Cape Colony,
if it had not already appeared in the
pages of a local organ which must have
had opportunity for verifying its allega-
tion: it 13 the Diamond Fields Advertiser,
of Kimberley, which informs him that
" the Colony will be interested to know
that there are nearly 60,000 more asses
mostly been sold weeks ago," said the ' in the country than in 1891."
•JG2
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DKCEMMKR 28, 1901.
QUEEN SYLVIA.
CHAPTER VI.
The Queen's Christmas Party.
''YouK Majesty," observed the Chamberlain one morning
when he had been admitted to his usual audience, "has not
as yet signified your wishes with regard to the Christmas
festivities. There will, I presume, be no great variation
from the ordinary routine. The neighbouring crowned heads
are, I suppose, to receive their invitations, which they will,
as is customary, decline witli all respect, on the ground of
prior engagements; and a Baron of Beef will bo roasted
whole for the immediate retainers of your Majesty. Then
-.here will be the Christmas gifts to see to — the little
packets of sixpenny and threepenny bits arranged in coloured
tissue paper- and all the other details with which it is
doubtless unnecessary to trouble your Majesty. And there
must, of course, be
How much more the Chamberlain would have said 1
cannot tell. He was a courtier of considerable power of
speech, with a fine command of many long but ordinary
words arranged in sentences not remarkable for their short-
ness, and he had a fine rolling delivery to which he himself
listened with unvarying pleasure. At this particular point,
wwever, the Queen, greatly to his amazement, interrupted
lim : —
"I was thinking," she said, "of doing something quite
new this year. Everybody must be tired of the old old way
if doing tilings."
" Antiquity," said the Chamberlain stiffly, " is venerable,
and we cannot lightly set aside that which the custom of
years has sanctioned."
" Oh, but 1 shan't set it aside lightly," said SYLVIA. "I
shall do it quite deliberately and very heavily, so that gets
rid of your first argument. Next, please."
The Chamberlain was unaccustomed to this touch-and-go
style of discussion. He felt as if things were crumbling
under his feet. However, he gave a great heave and pulled
himself together.
"Madam," he said, "you will do me the honour to believe
that in all the counsels which I have been privileged, at your
Majesty's own request, to tender to you, I have been
animated solely by a desire for your Majesty's welfare."
" Certainly, certainly," said the Queen. "What then?"
"Let me then humbly advise your Majesty not to break
with the custom the ancient custom— of Christmas enter-
tainment."
" But I 'm not going to break with it," said the Queen.
•' I 'm going to reorganise it. That 's all."
"In that case," said the Chamberlain, who had spent much
time in advocating a reorganisation of all the departments
of state with which he was not personally concerned, " in
that case I have nothing more to say. I have only to take
your Majesty's gracious commands."
What the gracious commands came to was shortly this : —
The old-fashioned Christmas festivities, which had been
entirely confined to the Court, were abolished, though the
crowned heads were to receive the usual invitations in the
confident expectation that they would, as usual, make excuse
for their absence. On Christmas Day the great Palace, with
its grounds, was to be thrown open to the people, who were
to be invited to bring their children with them, and to spenc
as much time as they liked there from ten in the morning
till ten at night. The Queen would sit in her throne-roon
for two hours to hear what anybody might have to say, anr
at seven o'clock all the children were to have tea in vast tents
which were to be set up in the park. The Commander-in-
Chief of the army, the First Naval Lord, the Archbishop and
the Chamberlain were to make all the necessary arrangements
'or ensuring comfort and order amongst the thousands who
night be expected to attend. At nine o'clock in the evening
he Queen would, by pressing an electric button, light a
gigantic Christmas tree in the centre of the park, and at
:en o'clock everybody was expected to go away. One point
. had almost forgotten — grown-ups were only to be admitted
f accompanied by children. Any grown-up, therefore, who
didn't happen to have children of his or her own would have
o take charge of some for the day.
The resolution of the Queen was promptly made known
>v proclamation, and it naturally excited a great deal of
liscussion. As the day approached it was realised that the
dan bade fair to be a striking success, and even those who,
either from conservative prejudice or from an ingrained
dislike for Christmas festivals, had at the outset expressed
disapproval of it began to be enthusiastic in its favour, most
jf them going so far as to claim the credit of having initiated
he idea.
Everybody who has read the Chronicles of Hinterland
•ompiled by the Historiographer (Jeueral will remember tlu>
plowing pages in which he gives an account of these novel
Festivities, ami celebrates the wisdom of the young Queen win >
"iad planned and arranged them.
" Nothing," he declares, " was left to chance. Every swing-
boat and every merry-go-round had been tested by her
Majesty and her principal Ministers on the previous day.
The regimental bands played their very best in various parts
uf the park. The ventriloquial entertainments were refined
but amusing, and the performing dogs, having played the
parts allotted to them, were fed by her Majesty's own hand."
Everything, in fact, went off splendidly. One incident,
however, the writer does not record. As it bears upon this
story 1 must relate it here.
The Queen hail been sitting in the throne-room for an hour
and had taken much pleasure in an orderly procession of
school-children headed by clergymen of various denominations,
when there was a sudden scuffle at the entrance to the room,
and a bearded, brond-shouldered man, breaking through the
military guard, advanced boldly to the middle of the room.
The officer of the guard hurried after him with his sword
drawn :
"Your Majesty," he said, placing himself in front of the
intruder, " this man has broken the rules. He has no child
with him. We sought to stop him, but he insisted on coming.
Shall he be conducted to the dungeon ''. "
" What have you to say ? " said SYLVIA, addressing the man,
who was standing harmlessly enough before her.
The man looked at her and sighed, and then he spoke :
" 1 'm a seafaring man, your Majesty. Many a year 1 Ye
been away from here and only just returned. 1 had a little
girl once — much your own age she 'd be now, but I can't find
her, and I thought she might be here. I mean no harm, but
pray don't send me out."
"Permit him to stay," said SYLVIA to the officer.
" God bless your gentle heart ! " said the bearded man very
loudly, and, though the Chamberlain was shocked, the Queen
herself smiled with pleasure.
"The Disraeli Family."
" WHAT Latin motto would you have chosen, Sir, for the
founder of the DISRAELI family?" asked MONTAGU COJIJJY,
when Private Secretary to I/ml BEAOOXSFIEI.D, of his master.
"A popular one," replied his Lordship, "would be, Ex.
into Dizzy ornnex.' "
[Anecdote not included in tJie articles on tlitx subject non-
appearing in the " Times."
LIBERTY HALL. — "Mrs. - \vants a General Servant (not
expected to wash)." — Devizes and Wiltshire Gazette.
DKCKJIBER 28, 1904.]
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
LAORIM2E RERUM.
[The Supremo Court of Tennessee recently
decided that an advocate lias the right ti<
shed tears for the purpose of influencing r
verdict, adding, "Indeed, if counsel has them
at command it may seriously be questioned
whether it is not his professional duty to shed
them whenever occasion arises." In view ol
the interesting developments to which thic
principle, when appreciated at its full value, ie
likely to give rise, Mr. Punch is fortunate in
being able to publish in advance the following
law report of the year 1920.]
Moss v. Weeper. — This was nn action
brought by MALACIII Moss, company pro-
moter, against WILLIAM WEEPER, K.C.,
for professional negligence. The plain-
tiff alleged that the defendant — being
an advocate of notorious hysterical
ability in general, and having in par-
ticular one week previously secured I IIP
acquittal of PIKEBE PICKUP, kleptomaniac- .
by such a tempest of tears as had ren-
dered him incoherent for three quarter
of his defence — had neglected to employ
his proper talents in a similar way nn
behalf of the plaintiff, whereby to hif
prejudice the true facts of the case,
undisguised by emotion, were allowed
to influence the jury, the plaintiff in the
result being mulcted in heavy damages
for misrepresentation.
For the defence it was pleaded —
(1) That the defendant was not a person
of such lachrymose brilliance as alleged,
a number of his past speeches being
read in support of the statement, and
certainly proving dull and dry enough ;
(2) That, in the case of PHCEBE PICKLT
cited, the appearances which had so
affected the Court as to secure an ac-
quittal were entirely due to his having
taken a pinch of what the defendant
believed to be a mixture of rappee and
cayenne pepper from the snuff-box of
the leader of the circuit — whose success
with juries he now at last understood ;
(3) That, even if he were of the emotional
temperament alleged, the case of Mr. Moss
was not one in which tears were obli-
gatory, it having been held in Shem v.
Phlegm (JUGGINS, J.) that no counsel need
do more than sniff when demonstrating
the guilelessness of a city financier ; and
(4) That, in the course of his defence,
he did so sniff on throe several occasions
— notably when appealing for sympathy
for the destitute condition of the plain-
tiff, consequent upon the settlement of
his whole estate upon his wife prior lo
the commencement of the action.
Mr. Justice SOBB, in giving judgment,
pointed out that all that Mirm v. Phlegm
laid down was that in certain eases a
sniff was adequate if counsel was incapa-
ble of tears. The judgment was many
years old, and dealt with a situation now
happily rare. His own experience was
that the latter-day advocate was capable
of anything short of epilepsy, if needed
to gain a verdict. Tin- only question,
RHYMES WPERN INSTANCES
•i""r-
\ • A\
: /
PUDDKNEY/y
K1SSLD THE G.1P4.S AND MADE THEM
kSV>
WHEN THE G1R[.S
CAMEOUTT°PLAY
P°PxGIE
7\WAY-
therefore, was whether the defendant in
the present action was an exception to
this honourable rule. The validity of
his plea seemed to him to be entirely
destroyed by the defendant's own admis-
sion as to the efficacy of artificial stimu-
lants to sensibility. Exhibitions of dis-
tress due to pepper and other provoca-
tives might not be of the highest kind.
but they were eminently serviceable, and
it was obvious that such di>tre>s might
he just as genuine as that produced by
apprehension for a client. With u.ean*
of this kind within his reach the duty
of an advocate was dear, and judgment
must be for the plaintiff, but he would
allow the defendant to address the ( Vmrt
further in mitigation of damages.
Mr. WEEPER rose feebly and, support-
ing himself on the shoulder of his Junior,
swallowed audibly several times amid a
tense silence, broken only by a woman's
hysterical moan in the gallery. A
as he was able to control his emotion
it coursed down his cheeks, whilst he
ir.adc a heart-rending appeal on behalf
of his wife and family, culminating in
a storm of sobs of such paroxysmal
violence as to bring on a species of
seizure, necessitating his removal in the
ambulance.
.The learned Judge, who had been for
>ome tin.e furtively crying into his ink-
pot, entered judgment for one farthing,
and ordered an adjournment whilst ihr
Court dried.
451
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[I>ECEMBKR 28, 1904.
A WARNING.
JONES HAS BEEN KJYWG SUCH A LOT OF I/AlM N.HTEAl' OHXAMEXTS, ETC., FOR CHRISTMAS PKESKXTS AMI N*EW YEAR'S OlFTS, THAT HE
HAS Ql:lTE A Ct'HLY X1GHTMAIIK.
HINTS TO YOUNG WRITERS.
(\Vith acknowledgments to the " Lady a World.")
BAYSWATER. — Your little love tale
reads very easily, and is prettily told,
despite occasional mistakes. For in-
stance, your hero, "an Oxbridge man
and Fellow of St. Boniface," says in
Chap. II. "I'll learn him who's who."
This is a clumsy sentence, and should
be modified. " I will show him that I
am far from being the sort of man who
is in the habit of taking it lying down "
would, I think, be better.
BELLA. — You have still a good deal
to learn before you will be able to write
a story of Glasgow life that will 'pass
muster. Would it not be a good plan
to go to Scotland for a week-end and
study the language and customs of the
natives? " Benthehoose " is not tin-
name of a mountain, and I don't, think
gentlemen go about Glasgow in kilts
saying, "Tits laddie," and "Hoot a\va."
l!"SEMAi:y.— T/*e CUI-HC of Tmjnxh'ix
bristles with faults. Take this sen-
tence : _" Sir ALLAN loudly blew his nose
with his handkerchief to hide his emo-
tion." Why handkerchief? Surely
this might be understood from a gentle-
man in Sir ALLAN'S position. Then
again the following seems to want a
little clearing up. (Chap. XLI.)— " The
house was a large one standing in its
own grounds built when ELIZABETH was
Queen when men had more time to
think of beautiful things surrounded by
a moat containing superb examples of
the armour of the period whose n-alls at
the time we write were fast crumbling
to decay." You can, I am sure, do
better work than this.
IMOGEN. — In future please write on
one side of the paper only; that is, if
you feel you i/u/.s-/ write, Modern young
men do not say "erstwhile" or "per-
, adventure" in ordinary conversation.
I do not think the servant girl in your
story could consistently make use of the
expressions " Oh, lawks ! " and " savoir
faire" in one and the same sentence,
and your hero " well-groomed as usual
in frock-coat, pearl-grey trousers, and
immaculate bowler," would not, I am
sure, have created quite the kind of
impression in Piccadilly that you in-
tended.
SHOPPING BY POST.
MESSRS. AMPLE & Co., UNIVERSAL
PURVEYORS.
Tottenham and other < 'unrl*
(ALIGHT AT COWER STREET.)
MADAM,-- In reply to your favour we
beg to say that we are forwarding the
motor omnibus and the sugar-tongs to
your esteemed order, and hope they will
come to hand safely. The sideboard and
the t\vo gimlets are not yet quite ready,
but \ve trust you will not. he inconveni-
enced by otir omitting to send them with
the mangle and the wineglass to match
your pattern, both delivered last week at
your house. We regret that you have
overlooked the latter. It was securely
tied to the mangle with .strong string,
for safety in conveyance, and we feel
sure that, on carefully looking again.
yon will find at least the string. With
respect to your inquiry for kitchen
ranges and crochet cotton, we will deliver
at once on your telling us the quantity
and sizes required.
Your obedient servants,
AMPLE & Co.
I'1'IMBKK 28,
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
WHAT ON EARTH ARE " NOMAD JIGITS
ARE THEY ANYTHING LIKE THIS 7
[" According to intelligence received from Urga, Japanese agents disguised as wandering Laraas are inciting the Nomad Jigits to
destroy the Trans-Siberian Railway and blow up the icebreakers on Lake Baikal. It is stated, however, that the Jigits have refused to act."
— Westminster Gazette]
A STUDY IN EMOTIONAL COSTUMES.
WE met at tea-time's witching hour,
When buttered crumpets breathed of peace ;
Upon her breast a purple flower
Set off a robe of pale cerise ;
" The garb," I mused, " denotes a clinging mood :
Propose to her, my boy, she 's dying to be wooed ! '
But when I gazed at her and sighed
She never looked the least put-out,
But anxiously observed that I 'd
" Been growing positively stout."
The accusation gave my hopes the lie ;
Perhaps her costume erred, perhaps my prentice eye.
I met her in the ball-room's glare :
She wore an orange cr&pe de chiiie,
With rose kroumeskis here and there,
And ruched with bows of apple-green.
The whole effect was just a trifle warm ;
"Now is your time," I said, " to take the girl by storm ! '
I sought a well-secluded seat,
And heard her whisper in my ear,
" I haven't had a thing to eat !
Take me to supper, there 's a dear !"
I mentioned LOVE : she said (and ah ! it hurt),
" Don't be a goose : I 'm here to feed and not to flirt ! "
I called (her sire was out of town)
And found her reading HENRY JAMES ;
She wore a crimson Empire gown,
Trimmed round the edge with whatshisnaines.
An amorous languor that enhanced the whole
Revealed, I thought, the yearning passion of the soul.
But when I bent above her chair
She seemed to feel no answering thrill ;
I heaved a groan of mute despair :
She laughed and asked if I was ill :
Her callous mood my inspiration damped,
I said " Good-bye " (like that) and hastily decamped.
And then one day I met her in
The railway train : we were alone ;
She wore a coat of sable skin
Over a skirt of sombre tone.
I pined to speak the word, but her attire
Seemed to betray a mood ill-timed to my desire.
But when I urged some trivial jest
She smiled with, such pathetic eyes
That something took me in the chest,
And, to my own intense surprise,
I seized her hand, and with a chaste caress
('red, " Lovely one, be mine!" — and she said, "ALBERT!
Yes ! "
450
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DKCEMRKI; 28, 1901.
AVANT ET APRES "I/ENTENTE
CORDIALE."
(Impretaloru d'un Franfait.)
AVANT (VERS 1900). '
MON~ CHER Jur.ES, — Me voici en Angle-
terre depuis trois semaines. L'etrange
pays ! Vous passez un petit bras de
mer, et vous voila tout-a-coup sous un ciel
de plomb, au milieu d'une foule d'etres
placides aux traits figes. Sur le paquebot
deja conimenea mon initiation a la poli-
tique envahissante de ce peuple enrage,
Dis 1'embarquement, le pout se trouva
pris d'assaut par une horde de viragos
aux allures d^cidees, au chignon roux
emprisonne dans un petit filet. En un
din d'oeil, on s'etait installe, on
avait fait main basse sur les meil-
leures places et, au milieu de ce
camp fortifie, dresse 1'etendard
britannique! Ah! la race cokmisa-
trice par excellence! line tiinide
tentative q ue je fis pour m'emparer
d'un siego vacant, me valnt de la
part d'une de ces aimables ama-
zones, sorte de geante toute en
dents, et inusclee a faire peur, un
regard ! . . . mais un regard
. . . qui disait clairement : " N'y
revenez pas ! "
L'air retentit aussitot du jargon
britannique. On y constatait une
fqis de plus 1'inferiorite des popu-
lations d'Outre-Manche. Ungentle-
man en complet a carreaux leur
reprocha vertement leurs vices
inuombrables, leur manque de
sangfroid, leur laisser-aller cho-
quant.
"Dureste," releva sa puritaine
moitie, " que pouvez-vous attendre
d'un peuple si peu adonne aux
ablutions ? La decadence est leur
partage, c'est clair. Et cette cui-
sine de degeneres. Rien qui no soil
deguise, manipule\ falsifie ! " (Ah 93,
par exemple, leur cuisine, a eux ! tres
franche, en offet, ignoble regime de
barbares, indigno d'un peuple cultive.)
•a a o s »
dieux ! je sens venir une attaque de
spleen, mal etrange et encore mal defini.
Jem'arreto Ah! pays de malheur!
Ton in fortune
BMDJB.
APRES (1904).
Mox CHER JULES, — Me voici de nouveau
ont change ! et quel reviroment etrange
s'est fait en moi
de civilites, je
cher, a detruire
Entoure, fete, aceable
tiens avant tout, mon
la faeheuso impression
Dans ce pays, on ne constate votre ] stage indispensable a faire en Angleterre
existence qu'apres due presentation : j a qui veut s'inspirer des traditions qui
on daigne alors vous faire subir le petit j conduisent a la conquete du monde.
ennuyeuse a perir leur fameuse correc- j lutte pour 1'existence, ils 1'ont emporte
tion ! Monstrueuse leur insociabilite ! sur nous. Morale : Pour coinmencer,
Tout me provoque ici : cette atmosphere faisons du sport, c'est leur ecole supreme
pesante, ce je ne s;\is quoi de pharisa'ique de la vie ; on s'y exerce au sangfroid a
qui emane de leur personne ! . . . Grands toute epreuve. Voyez cet orateur faire
face a une seanca orageuse. Voyez,
feudant les fjules, ce policeman au geste
plein d'anipleur et de majeste !
Et quelle hospitalite courtoise ! Quelle
correction parfaite ! Jamais de collisions.
Quelle noble reserve ! Rien de cette
cmpliase de mauvais goQt. Une sereine
impartialite et, pour cotironner le tout,
en Angleterre. Dieux ! que les temps des vertus patriarchies ! ! J'en faisais
1'autre soir la remarque ;\ mon hotesse.
"Monsieur," repondit-elle, "voila qui
fait honneur a votre penetration ; vous
avez toujours passe pour le peuple le
plus intelligent de la terre. II y a
quatre ans, pendant mon sejotir en
France. . . ."
"Ah! Madame!" m'ecriai-je
alarme, " de grace; si quelque
chose vous y a offusquee, j'en fais
penitence a vos pieds ! "
"Mais, Monsieur! pas le moins
du monde, bien au contrairc. Votre
chamie ! Votre parfait natnrol!
Votre ahiindon cxquis ! Ah ! le
gout francais ! la cuisine francaise !
Quel art! on nevitqu'a Paris! . . ."
Elle s'eloigna, suivie de ses filles,
une vraie dcessc accompagnee de
ses nymphes ; car dans ce pays,
mon cher, les femmes sont toutes
des deesses : des Junons, des
Dianes, des Mincrvcs h la demarche
assuree, aux membres assouplis,
aux allures indomptees. C'en est
fait, je suis conquis! Qu'on me
reprenne a chanter le piquant] et
le chiffonne de nos Parisiennes.
Absurdes et perverses, ces crea-
tures trebuchantes et languis-
santes ! N'oublie pas de conseiller
a toutes les meres de notre con-
naissance de faire prendre a leurs filles
un cours de "crickett" et de " footbal."
Absolument essentiel a 1'esthetique et a
1'ethique feminines.
Ton vieil ami,
EMII.E.
The Crowned Crane (to the Spoonbill). " ISN'T IT "AUDIT'TIME
. YOU PUT CP YOUR HAIR, MY DEAR ? "
que j'ai dA te laisser sur ce pays
hospitalier entre tous. Des boutades,
mon ami, de simples boutades sans portee !
Se laisser aveugler a ce point ! N'en
parlons plus. Prodigieux les Anglais!
Race arriviste par excellence. Xotons :
interrogatoire que voici : quand vous
etes arrive en Angleterre, combien de
ACCORDING to a special correspondent
Ah! les mauvais plaisants out eu leur of the Dally Dispatch, the wolf which
**»« ~~ t T>1 I J 1 3_ -_• _1.V_. 1. 'T T ',1
temps ! Placides, lourds, prosa'iques, les
temps vous vous proposez d'y passer, et Anglais ?— Permettez, philosophes au
si vous preferez ce pays a la France, j plus haut degre. " Inertie intellectuelle,"
Gardez-vous bien de faire ce dernier ' declare 1'observateur superficiel ; philo- ; people
choix, de peur d'etre taxe d'excentricite. sophie des philosophies, proclame le ' field."
Puis on vous lache : voila tout, 1'esprit j psychologue eclaire. Oui. sagesse des
has been providing such capital sport
in the North of England has been
" distinctly seen by no fewer than seven
engaged pulling turnips in a
(These would, of course, go ad-
mirably with his usual meal of mutton.)
„ - » have
pas comprendre." Le beau prestige questioned two of them, and have no
au I que d'etre passes-maitres dans 1'art de la reason to doubt their veracitv." Whether
que vous pouvex tirer de ces rustres, aux | sagesses que de comprendre " qu'il ne j The writer goes on to say
membres d'une longueur demesurec, et ; faut pas comprendre." Le beau prestige question! "
qui passent leur temps a jouer
"crickett" et au "footbal." J'enrage ! ! discussion et de 1'analyse a outrance ! le | his enquiries
Je vois d'ioi comment je vais m'accom- ! belavantage que d'avoir 1'esprit encombre
mod T dc la morgue glaciale de ces
insulairc.s. Ah! mon cher, vois-tu.
de tout un fat.ras de notions contra-
dictoires ! Mais voyez-les done : equipes
rien de plus lugubre que Ie3 Anglais ! j d'une maniere plus rationnello dans la
" people " or to the
addressed to
' turnips " it is
tlio
im-
possible to say ; but we understand
that, in either case, the Russian Embassy
has no information on the matter.
DECEMBKB 28, l'J04,;
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
157
LOVE'S LAST REQUEST.
PROUD maiden, I ask no returning
Of such little gifts as I sent ;
The letters are fittest for burning,
Not meaning the thing that they
meant.
The gloves and the scent and the
brooches,
The sweetmeats, the small vinaigrette,
I leave with unuttered icproaches,
For you to recall or forget.
There 's a pouch that you broidered and
brought me,
If you wish 1 '11 return it to you ;
And a box of cigars that you bought me,
1 only could tackle a few.
The weeds I will gladly surrender,
They '11 do for some other sad swain;
Hut the poems 1 sent you - the tender
Sweet sonnets I want them again.
You remember the ode true and simple
Addressed to your firm little nose ?
And the sonnet induced by a dimple,
And the rondeau I sent with a rose ?
You remember the dainty effusion
That said I would die at your feet ?--
It may have been all a delusion,
But 1 think the expression was neat.
1 haven't a copy, and therefore
I hope you will kindly restore
These things you no longer will care for —
Because 1 may use them once more.
I soon may again be affected
To litter emotions in rhyme,
And really I can't be expected
To pen a new poem each time.
BACK-END RESOLUTIONS.
(For 1904 — or what remains of it.)
IN case any readers with treacherous
memories liave omitted at the beginning
of the current year to frame the usual
Model Resolves, a provisional list of the
same may be of use, though it is con-
siderably past the eleventh hour. How-
ever, a reference to the calendar will
show that there are still some ninety-six
hours, waking and sleeping, for the
following Pious Aspirations to be put
into practice :
Not to oversleep myself more than
four times.
To be called at day-break (N.B., the
sun rises after 8 A.M. these few days).
To limit myself to sixteen, or, at most,
twenty meals for the rest of the year,
and to refrain from eating unripe fruit
in the kitchen garden.
Not to squander money in visiting the
Itoyal Academy, the Derby, the Ix>rd
Mayor's Show, or TJie Wife without a
Smile.
Not to waste time in attending regattas,
SENSIBLE CHILD.
'\VELI., JAC-KV, AND wo vor HAND n- Yoru STU-'KISU n>u S.ISIA 1'i.vts TO FILL?'
'NO. I IIANfiK.tr II' MlVVER's!"
cricket matches, tennis tournaments and
garden parties.
To purchase, and keep (by HUM .*,
diary and cash account, if possible, to
the end of the year.
To abstain from paying income tax.
rent, rates and similar impositions
within the same period.
Not to over-indulge in grouse-shooting,
salmon-fishing, butterfly-catching or
bird's-nesting any further in 1904, but
strictly to attend to business (if T have
any).
To impress, at any rate upon my
wife and family (if I am married and
have descendants), the moral duty and
Ijeauty of keeping these excellent resolu-
tions.
Repentant backsliders, it is to U>
hoped, will make a note of the above
suggestions, which have been carefully
! graded, pro li&c rice, to suit the most
irresolute temperament. This is their
last chance, and there will be no later
offer.
X.B. .1 1'i-iifxiK of the above article,
Mr. I'uiicli understands, on the Itest of
authority , that there will I.e no (ieneral
Klection this vear.
458
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 28, 1904
THE BOOK OF THE YEAR.
fflEOBALD PINES-PUTNAM— Gipsy,
Poet, Novelist, Critic and Chaperon.
With numerous maps, plans, facsimiles,
&c. By JOHN DELVER. London : ODDER
AND ODDER. £2 2s. net.
In the whole history of secrecy nothing
s more charming than Mr. JOHN DELVER'S
uiet mole-like preparation of this co-
ossal book. Day after day, night after
light, he was at The Pomes, West Baling,
n the company of England's two most
llustrious intellects. His conversations
with Mr. PINES-PUTNAM were endless,
anging back to his early manhood,
when, regardless of rheumatism, he read
poetry seated on wet rocks. No question
vas too intimate for Mr. JOHN DELVER to
jut or the scholar-gipsy to answer,
Ithough why Mr. JOHN DELVER should
je so much interested in "poor little
ne" (as the great man phrased it) he
ould not understand. Yet such is the
nherent humility of genius that Mr.
3iNES-PuTNAM had no notion of what
hese visits portended, and when the
irst copy of the work was laid upon the
jreakfast table and Mr. PINES-PUTNAM,
ill unsuspecting, cut the string, his
xstonishnient was beyond description.
"t was the very renascence of wonder
and surprise. — " Claudius Clear" in the
British Weekly.
The old saying that the world knows
nothing of its greatest men is no longer
true, thanks to Mr. JOHN DELVER'S
masterly and exhaustive work. — "A Man
of Kent " in the British Weekly.
We cannot be too grateful to Mr.
JOHN DELVER for this protest against
the old and effete custom of waiting
for a man's death before commencing
bis biography. Anything more illogica:
could not be imagined ; it is as though
one did not present one's cup to the
fountain until the spring was dry. For
years have biographers been misunder-
standing their duties ; Mr. JOHN DELVER
comes forward to show them the new
way. He is the new BOSWELL, with this
advantage over his dilatory predecessor
that he strikes while the iron is hot, anc
does not tarry until his JOHNSON is ni
more. — The Expositor.
One of the most deeply fascinating
chapters describes the long and intimate
friendship of the poet-chaperon and the
novelist Mr. ALF ABEL, upon whom, w
understand, a similar work is now ii
preparation. Indeed, when we thin
of the treats in store for lovers of litera
ture we can hardly sit still. — " Lorna
in the British Weekly.
Readers of the book will have a fe
disappointments. It is not long enoug
(there are only 863 pages) ; there is litt!
about Mr. SWIMBURNE in it ; and th
novelist-critic would not allow Mr. DEI.VF
o describe his (the novelist-critic's)
ppearance. Hence we have only the
ontradiction of a less enthusiastic com-
nentator who had called his dark-brown
ves green. However, the photograph
f Mr. PINES-POTNAM and his life-long
riend GEORGE BORROW, each looking out
f the window of a gipsy caravan, is
mong the triumphs of the illustrator's
rt. — British Weekly (Editorial).
LATE AFTERNOON.
HERE in the back streets there is a
ague charm about the colourless winter
fternoon. The low grey houses and
tie modest semi-private shops with
neir tiny square windows harmonise
trangely with the dull grey sky which
veighed" so oppressively upon the larger
cale of things in the main road. The
ittle bootmaker's shanty opposite, with
ts hanging sign of a melancholy lialf-
eg in a scarlet top-boot, looks as though
t has never heard of such words as
lurry and enterprise. A little further
own three small boys have clambered
p the low. wall fronting one of the
louses and are clinging to the railings,
he .whole of their .little minds concen-
rated in garrulous wonder upon the
ircumscribed travels of two gold-fish
\bout a bowl in the window. For the rest
he street is deserted, save for an indis-
inct figure seated in a low chair outside
he little furniture-dealer's at the corner.
I walk slowly to the top of the street,
jlancing as I pass at the figure in the
•hair. It is a short grey-haired man
n a much soiled serge suit. His hands
ire folded in his lap, affording a view
of a pair of grey-fringed shirt-cuffs ;
lis feet are crossed and drawn up be-
eath the chair, as he sits motionless,
gazing straight before him across the
road with a dull, vacant stare. From
an open cut beneath one eye a little
rivulet of blood has trickled down his
cheek, and winding a devious course
over a scrubby grey moustache has
become lost to view beneath a dirty
frayed collar.
As I take stock of him, a figure in
shirt-sleeves strolls casually out of the
furniture-shop and looks listlessly rounc
the street. Suddenly his eye, following
mine, becomes intent and indignant as
it lights upon the object of my interest
" 'Ullo," he observes pointedly.
The seated man, without moving a
muscle, continues to stare vacantly at the
low grey line of houses opposite.
"I don't remember invitin' you ter si
down in that there chair," says th<
furniture-dealer sarcastically.
The visionary in the chair takes no
the smallest notice. There is a paus
while the furniture-dealer regards hin
with mingled astonishment and indign
tion. At length he speaks again.
Make yerself comfertable," he sug-
ests with satirical bitterness. " Don't
it me disturb yer."
The seated man remains as though in
trance. This scrupulous adherence
> his advice appears to exasperate the
urniture-dealer. He turns to me.
"Wot is this 'ere country a-comin'
3!" he demands fervently. "We'd
letter all become Russians an' 'ave done
vith it."
I do my best to appear overwhelmed
y the logic of this cryptic utterance,
'he recognition of my support seems
omewhat to soothe his indignation; he
urns to the unconscious instrument of
Russian ambitious.
" Why didn't yer drop me a 'alfpenny
>ostcard ? " he inquires with mordant
ocosity. " I 'd 'ave 'ad the chair covered
n cloth o' gold."
By this tune a little group of onlookers
have gathered outside the shop- — a
tolid - looking man with his hands
>uried in flap-pockets, a very large lady
,nd a very small girl carrying a washing-
jasket between them at a steep angle,
he three little boys who had been
watching the gold-fish, and a preoccu-
ied man with a dripping brush, who
las succeeded somehow in whitewashing
he small of his own back and is now
naking a rather patchy job of my boots.
I venture diffidently to point this out,
thereupon he thanks me and, with a
:hatty motion of his head towards the
still unmoved man in the chair, an-
nounces his opinion that what we have
Before us is a dramer in reel life. Find-
ng this well received he stoops suddenly,
md resting his brush carefully upside
down against a yellow chest of drawers
narked STYLE approaches the visionary
and shakes him by the shoulders with
iindly vigour.
" 'Ere, BILL ! " he cries briskly.
No answer or movement from the
visionary.
" 'ARREE ! " conjectures Whitewash.
'GEORGE! TED! Sro!"
Still no answer or movement from the
visionary.
"The pore man's ill," remarks the
lady with the elevated end of the
washing-basket.
"You're ill," observes the furniture-
dealer curtly.
" The man 's ill," repeats the lady
aggressively. "Look at 'is eye. Why
can't yer let "im be ? "
"I ''ll let you- be," retorts the furniture-
dealer. "Willing," and approaches the
chair.
" 'E ain't doin' no 'arm settin' there,
is "e?" demands the lady, becoming
more indignant. "Why can't yer—
Oh, yer great brute ! Ain't yer got no
•eart?"
The furniture-dealer has suddenly
tilted the chair from the back, and the
]l|.(l..\ll.|.ll I'.S 11KI-I.J
PCNCII, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Mi
Lady Visitor. " I SEE TOC STII.L HAVE POOR OLD BINGO."
Fair Widow. "YES. I WOULDN'T PART WITH HIM ON ANY ACCOINT.
I NEVEIl LOOK AT HIM WITHOUT THINKING OK 1'OOH DEAR MAKMAUl K£ ! "
visionary is now standing upright,
propped by the timely arm of the white-
washer. Even now he shows no sign of
returning animation. The lady of the
washing-basket has raised her voice an
octave higher.
"Ain't you ashamed o' yerself ! " she
declaims. "Turnin1 a pore man out
wot 's ill an' cut 'is eye ! Oh yer great
brute ! "
The furniture-dealer has turned on her.
"D'yerwanter buy any furniture?"
he demands.-
"Me!" exclaims the lady, delighted
with the opening. " Me buy yer furni-
ture? Thank yer, I'm perticler about
my things."
" All right, then," returns the ir.an
crisply. " Git."
" White-livered 'ound ! " exclaims the
impotent lady.
"Don't you worry about my liver,"
returns the furniture dealer, with ex-
hilaration. " 1 can take care o' my liver all
right. Better than some people, p'raps."
"Ho," retorts the lady, with merciless
sarcasm. " You look as if you could."
Meanwhile the whitewashed gentle-
man, to the intense interest of the pisca-
torial boyf-, has propped the visionary
against the wall beside the shop and is
carefully wiping the blood from his
cheek with a handkerchief to which the
lady of the basket might well turn her
attention. Now and then he desists in
order to clap his hands in front of the
still vacant face of his jjrolfge, with
alternate inquiries as to his name and
his address. A few feet away the gentle-
man of the flap-pockets watches these
operations with an air <f blase in-
difference.
Suddenly a hush of interest falls upon
the party. The visionary, still leaning
against the wall, has found his voice.
" 'Ave yer got a gun ? "
Tor the n.oir.ent Whitewash seem*
taken aback by this inquiry. The
visionary turns a vacant eye upon the
gentleman of the flap-pockets.
" 'Ave yer got a gun ?" he repeats.
"Xo, I ain't," returns Flap-pockets,
without excitement.
" Wot d' yer want a gun for?" inquires
Whitewash, recovering himself.
"I want ter shoot a bloke," observes
the visionary, still gazing dreamily at
Flap-pockets. " 'Ave yer got a gun ? "
Flap-pockets expectorate* with a side-
ways movement of the head.
"You ain't allowed ter do that," lie
: responds dispassionately — " not 'ere."
The visionary receives this item of
information with resignation.
" Wot 's this 'ere place ? " he inquires
slowly.
" Fulham," responds Flap-pockets im-
passively.
For :\ while the visionary ruminate**
without stirring. Then he slowly moves
his back from the wall and looks ab-
sently upon the group.
"Or ri." he says with a preoccupied
air. ''Goorafternoon," and buttoning
his jacket walks quietly off round the
corner.
"Takes 'imself fer Admiral T«.». 1
should think." observes the furniture-
dealer obscurely, and retires, ivinini*-
cently disgustful, into his shop.
Gradually the little group dissolves.
The grey light is waning into dusk, and
the street is empty save for the pisca-
torial boys, who still hover at a short
distance from the corner, clinging to a
vain hope that something may yet
happen.
•1GO
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER L'S, 1901.
THE EFFECTS OF BRIDGE ON THE RISING GENERATION.
Master Tom (discontented with the she of In* portion). "I DOUBLE PUDDING ! "
TRAGEDY.
You that "of late were privileged to hear
How I had doffed the cloke of evil-doin^
For Virtue's thin yet plausible veneer,
To charm my DELIA when I went a-wooing —
Mark how the false gods till th' eleventh hour
b mil ed, and then, sneering, cast me down to grapple
\\ ith wounds that mock the staying flagon's power
* 'quite ignore the comfortable apple.
I had not told my love— oh, was it wron»?
For, though I found her all my fancy painted
thought it better not to go too strong,
As we had been but recently acquainted •
Wiser it seemed to let the thought take root
In her young mind ; to let ihe ice get broken •
Essay my fortunes at the Christmas shoot,
And trust the gods to keep her unbespoken.
Full thrice the sequent moons had waxed and waned
1 et there had come no noise of rival wooer ;
And the wan star of Hope had risen, and gained
^ A crescent brightness as the days grew fewer •
Now had I seen the final day but one ;
My qualms of jealousy had ceased to rack me ;1
When down my colours tumbled with a run
Just as my confidence had reached its acme.
0 waste, waste, waste, irrevocable waste !
0 labour lost and tardily repented !
1 do not cavil at the lady's taste ;
It's painful, but it 's not unprecedented ;
Hut to be fooled deluded from the start —
Basely deceived, and vilely brought to ruin ! —
What of my straggles with the vocal an ?
What about all thine clot lies I bought to woo in ?
These are the thoughts that pale a person's checks.
But worse, oh worse beyond all computation,
I hold the memory of those tedious weeks
Squandered in moral rehabilitation!
Does it not thaw the heart, however hard ?
Does it not give the soul, however steely, a
T'ang, to recall those bursts for ever barred ?
May you be sorry for it some day, DELIA
0 reader, reader, what a dole is mine
After three dreary months of dreary labour
In walks which certainly are not my line,
Scorned by my friends, a nuisance to my neigh b >ur.
Just when my fears of rivalry were dead,
Just as I thought that I was out of danger,
DELIA, the Prize, the girl I hoped to wed,
Has got affianced to a total stranger ! Dmi-Dnr.
REACTIONARY CHANGE OF XAMK, Sultan MULEY AUDUL Aziz
Will now be known as Moor Muley-than-ovcr Abdul Azwa/.
rrxni, ui; Till': LONDON CII.\I;IVAI;I. i
PEACE ON EARTH.
IF I ONLY KXKW THE COUNTKHSHLX ! "
DECEMBER 28, 1904.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
403
THE WATER TEST.
Whip (bringing on tail hounds, in the rear of the field). " HCLLOAH ! WHO 'VE TOO OUT THERE ? "
Runner (who has just assisted sportsman out of a muddy ditch). " Diwo. CAN'T TELL TILL WE'VE WASHED 'IM DOWN A
BIT ! "
THE LATEST EPIDEMIC.
STIMULATED by the example of Mr.
"LuLu" HARCOOHT, M.P., who has com-
posed two Free Trade songs, " D'ye ken
BOB PEEL ? " and " Stamp, stamp, stamp
upon Protection," quite a number of
distinguished politicians and public
characters have burst into topical verse.
Owing to the stringent laws of copy-
right we are unfortunately only able
to give very brief quotations, but even
so they will, we think, inspire our readers
to make further and fuller acquaintance
with these modern masterpieces.
Mr. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN'S contribution
to this Christmas chorus of song takes
the form of a charming little Elizabethan
madrigal. It is addressed "To a fair
Confectioner," and the first line (referring
doubtless to Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S signifi-
cant silence on the Sugar question in
his recent Limehouse speech) runs" as
follows :
Tell me not, sweet, I am unkind.
Mr. BALFOUR has modelled his latest
effusion on a well-known unrhymed
piece by CHARLES LAMB -"The Old
Familiar Faces." It begins in a vein
of touohinsr retroscect :
I have had colleagues, I have had companions,
In the days when I was a child in the matter of
free imports,
But all, or at any rate a large proportion, are
now gone of the old familiar faces.
Mr. C. A. PEARSON strikes a more
resonant and confident note in his fine
ballad, " The Journalists of England" :
Ye journalists of England,
Our Empire's strongest link,
Whose quills have stained unnumbered
reams
With patriotic ink ;
Your glorious Standard launch again
To guard our peerless JOE, &c.
Sir WILFRID LAWSON ia now as ever
unflinchingly loyal to his crusade against
intemperance, and turns the tables on
BEN JONSON, the mighty toper of the
" Mermaid," by borrowing the form of
one of his most famous songs to preach
the virtues of abstinence :- -
A GREAT INDI.TEMKXT. •
Drink to me. on/!/ with thine eyes.!
Grant bqfthis boon, and I.'m '
Prepared to swear that I '11- abstain
Teetotally from rhvme.
' t 1
Mr. LABOUCHERE, who, it may not be
generally known, is a most diligent and
sympathetic student of -BROWNING,, sends
the following genial effort in disciple-
ship : —
'Tis the season of fog,
The weather's a beast,
But we 're jogging aloug,
HARRY MARKS sits for Thanrt,
There 's a new Golliwogg,
E. T. HOOLEY 's released,
HALL CAINE 's going strong,
All 'a right with this planet !
Our next specimen is from the gitt
pen of Mr. HENRY CHAPLIN, and recalls in
its unstudied simplicity the rhymes we
learned at our mother's knee :
Little JACK HORXER sate in his corner,
Working eight hours a day.
But a bounty-fed alien, a dumping Westphalian
Came and frightened JACK HOBNEK away.
Lastly, the Duke of DEVONSHIRE, in a
fine outburst of lyrical frenzy, predicts
the triumph of the Cobdenite cause, his
last quatrain running as under :
If we have freedom in our trade,
And get our imports free,
Angels alone in bliss arrayed
Enjoy such liberty.
The White Slave Traffic.
Another Horrible Revelation.
" BOILED Starch WOMAN Wanted for
Regatta Shirts, &c."—The Londonderry
Sentinel.
464
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 28, 1904.
MORE CABMEN CRITICS.
[Sir FREDERICK BRIDGE, in the London Argus
describes his conversations with a cabman who
requently drives him to rehearsals and con-
jert3, and has proved himself to bs a most
accomplished musical critic.]
ODDI.Y enough Mr. SARGENT and Mr.
[I:\VI.ETT have also each had somewhat
imilar experiences with cabmen critics
of late.
Mr. HEWLETT'S driver was conveying
lim from Leather T^ane | —
o the Italian Circus.
' Pardon me," he re- 1
narked through the
ittle door in the roof
-luring a prolonged
olock in Oxford Street,
'pardon me, Sir, but do
you think you Ir.ive said
enough for th;i view
'rom Fiesole in your
The Road in Tuscany ? "
Mr. HEWLETT agreed
that perhaps the subject
was susceptible of en-
arged treatmsat.
" And another thing,"
said the driver, "me and
the missus was a good
deal troubled after we
had finished the Queen s
Quair by thinking about
BOTHWELL'S end. You
don't say what became
of J. B. Now wouldn't
a little appendix chapter
winding everybody up
-•in the way CHARLES
DICKENS used to do —
have been a good thing ?
What did become of
BoTHWBLL anyhow ? "
" BOTHWEI.L — " said
Mr. HEWLETT ; but at
this moment the cab
ran into a dray.
Mr. SAROEOT'S driver
was a more constructive
critic.
'' What yon want,
Sir," he said genially
one day, as he cracked
his whip at a small boy,
" is a better knowledge
of the nood. Now I 've
got some studies at
home which I can lend you that will put
you right in the matter of harms and
legs."
Sure enough, the next time Mr.
SARGENT hailed the cab the driver pro-
duced the portfolio and handed it to the
master.
" Don't ask me to drive you to the
R.A.," he said. "Don't ask me to do
that. I^et it be the New English
Art Club! Anything but Burlington
'Ouse."
'' That 's a nice little thing of yours at
the New English," he continued, when j he opened the trap-door and observed,
at last the horse had been induced to ' Beg pardon, Madame, but if you '11
start. " I like the handling of the bed-
clothes. Why don't you paint like that
for the Academy '? Dukes and Duchesses,
hearls and peers, why can't you keep
your 'ands off 'em one year at anyrate,
and paint real things V Why
Hut, the horse falling down at this
point, the harangue abruptly ceased.
take my advice don't overdo the port-
manteau.' ' Portmanteau ? ' I replied ;
'what portmanteau?' 'I didn't say
portmanteau,' he rejoined rather sharply,
' 1 said portamento. Scoop, some people
calls it. It's all very well for a milk-
man, but it doesn't become a high-class
singer.' I was naturally rather in-
Sir FREDERICK" BRIDGE, we* may add, is clignant, but the man was so much in
earnest that I sup-
pressed my feelings
and let him go on. To
my surprise I found that
he was really a first-rate
authority on voice-pro-
duction, registers, &<•.,
and had bought an
expensive laryngoscope
; out of his earnings.
Since then 1 have fre
quently employed him,
and from time to time
have given him copies
of songs, which he re-
turns with marginal
notes as to breathing,
expression, and so forth,
which 1 ha\e found
most hc-lpf nl. The
other day, when we were
discussing 'Mot tiers
Joy,' he asked me if I
had ever heard Kinum.
STRAUSS'S ' Sinfonla
Domestica,' and on my
replying in the nega-
tive told me that In-
had just purchased the
score and was arrang-
ing it for a small
orchestra of cornet,
tambourine, flageolet,
gong, cymbals, and per-
doneuru. Really he is one
of the most marvellous
musicians I have ever
: met. His name is BIRD,
but since our conver-
sation on the subject oi
RICHARD STRAUSS I have
called him DICKY BIRD
to distinguish him from
RW.
I ot
CHRISTMAS REJOICINGS AT THE ZOO.
THE ANIMALS HAVE PASSED A VOTE OF THANKS TO THE SUPERINTENDENT AT THE Zoo
FOR TI1E RECENT IMPROVEMENTS. To CELEBRATE THE OCCASION (OH CHRISTMAS), THE ; ,,
•
HARP SEAL, SCREECH OWL, SAND PIPERS, ETC., HAVE KINDLY VOLUNTEERED THEIR
SERVICES TO SERENADE HIM.
the
well-known accom-
panist, who takes a deep
not the only distinguished musician who j interest in the career of his humble
has found a kindred soul on the box
seat of a London cab. Madame CI.ARA
BUTT recounts a similar experience in
the current issue of Harmson's Royalty
Magazine. "It began," says the famous
namesake."
"Do we BjlieveP"
" AT Alton, Hants, NORMAN LITTT.EJOH>
was summoned for driving a motor-car
contralto, "one evening this summer ; in a reckless and negligent manner
when I was engaged to sing at a Ballad
Concert. When I told the cabman to
drive to Queen's Hall my Jehu replied
by whistling the motif of 'Land of
The Bishop of - - was in the car
at the time, and in the witness-box hi?
Lordship said the car was being driyei
carefully, and going only at ten miles
Hope and Glory.' We got blocked in an hour. The Bench imposed a fine Oj
Piccadilly, and while we were waiting i forty sltillinas." — Pall Mull Gazette.
DKCKMIIKR 28, 190J.]
PUNCH, OR THK LONDON I'll MMVAIM
4G3
H
E sat with his hostess over their coTee, liqueurs anil cigarettes in the smoking-room of the Ladies' Active Service
dub— the only male an ong many types of woman-warrior, from'Air.a/ons'of the Guards down to ordinary Imperial
Yeowomen. Statues "of ATHEXK (fully arn:ed\lBo.wnnv\, JOAN OF ARC, and Lady ROBERTS were disposed about the room ;
while under the cornice ran the names of other ladies distinguished for heroism- such as ARTKMISIA (of Halicarnassus
and Salamis), HTTPOLYTE. JAKI., Mrs. CARRIE NATION and the Mother of the Gracchi.
"IHave you many institutions like this?" asked MR. PrxcH (for it was heX
Women
Leandress
Tic-dolour , .
see we have gone far to solve that harrowing problem, What shall ire do u-'ilh our Uothertt
"Your sex has indeed made vast strides," said MR. PUNCH.
"Yes," she replied, "and this fact has greatly affected our size in boots. And I hear it is the same with gloves at
the Sans Atout, where the constant playing of Bridge enormously developes the hand. At the Hygia?um, again, they have
grown clean out of corsets ! "
Pelicately ignoring the last observation, MR. Prsrn inquired if election to these Clubs was a natter of great
difficulty.
"Our tests," replied his hostess, "are of the most severe. Thus for entrance to political '
required to have established a strong influence among the babies of constituents : she must have kissed at least one
politician into Parliament. At, the Minerva, Greok is compulsory."
"All! there." said Mn. Pi vn. "von loud) a question that lias of late been n:n\ing tin- very marrow o
Universities. .Myself, I am all for the retention of traditional colour. If our utilitarians want to become expert m the
making of steel rails, or scientific beer, or motor-buses, let them pursue their ideals at one of our provincial colleges
But , at (>.\ for. I and Cambridge there ought still to be room for Inefficiency. Thereat least let us preserve the love of
learning, pure and inutile." „
"Oxford," said BRITANNIA, "lias set her fairer sister a noble example in this deportment
"I make little distinction between them," replied her guest, "being myself aZttmmu cmfancm; though , .
two, the Cantabrigian element preponderates in my constitution. But Oxford had no choice in the matter; the advent of
T>, i i 11 i i i . l: .. . f .. ^1,,, ...... I.I l,.,nll,. ..llf>«- llm -.lion to i,:i«« t imiurli
•ICG
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
1904.
her gates without some guarantee that he had not come merely to master our British methods of commerce, and eclipse us
on our own ground."
" Thr whole problem of the admission of immigrant aliens has greatly intrigued me," replied BfilTAKNlA. " Do you
happen to have any views as to the right kind of test by which to differentiate between the worthy and the unworthy '•! "
"The topic has for a long time engaged my attention," replied the Sage, "and I have decided that Literary
Culture must be the criterion. You may remember the pretty story - revived in BKOWNIXG'S Balnustion — which relates
that, when the Athenian NICIAS was defeated at Syracuse, his conquerors gave their freedom to all captives who coidd
recite from the plays of Erifinnios ? "
BIHTA\TNIA nodded vaguely.
" Well, far be it from me to underrate the merits of ' EuninnES the human.' But I am convinced that we
have his latter-day equivalent in a certain line literary series which I could name. Now there are often inadequate
facilities for studying the best English literature among, let us say, the Russian moujiks. So I would have this collection
placed in the steerage libraries of all emigrant ships that sail for our shores ; and every alien who. on arrival, could recite at
sufficient length from any volume of this series should be welcome to our hospitality. Curiously enough, I came only
the other day upon a passage in this same series revealing the most remarkable foresight on that very point. It was
written uuder the heading 'Essence of Parliament,' on July 18, 1857, during the reign, you will note, of the Third
.\\POLEO\-, and ran as follows :—
" ' I^ord PAI.MKKSTON then smashed, as he conceived, the Isthmus of Suez Canal, declaring that the scheme was a
bubble, and also that, for political reasons, our Government would always oppose it. Some years hence, the chief
cabin passengers of the Bulbul, a steamer plying along the Suez Canal, will read this record in Mr. — '»' (the
veteran pronounced the name inaudibly) ' Thirty-third Volume (a complete set of his works being among the necessaries
of the voyage), and will smile indulgently, and remark how Egypt has improved since England accepted her as a
present from the SULTAN, with the consent of the Republic of France.' That prediction," continued Mr. PUNCH, " was, as
I say, written in 1857, and has been fulfilled in almost every detail."
"And who, may I ask," said BRITANNIA eagerly, '' was the author of this astonishingly accurate prophecy 'i "
A suffused blush, as of maiden modesty, incarnadined the veteran's cheek. " With your permission," he said,
"I will retrieve from the cloak-room the latest, and, I trust, not the least, of that remarkable series. No, I beg vou "
(for BIUTAXNIA'S forefinger was upon the electric button); "dogs not being allowed on tin- Club premises, I may not
summon my trusty servant from his post of attendance on the doorstep ; and to none of your fnotwomen dare I commit
tho carriage of so precious a document."
In a trice ho had vanished and returned. Then, with a profound genuflexion, such as had never hitherto been
within the precincts of the Ladies' Active Service Club, he presented his hostess with a copy of his own
mtir Chxento-Setrenfb tlohimc.
„
DECI-MIIKR 28, 1901.;
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Cartoons.
SAMBorRXE, E. LlXLl.Y
Another Ruined Industry 209
At Bay 178
Bank Holiday at Westminster 83
Cincinnatus Ae Wet 371
Common Enemy (The) 317
Division of Labour 443
En Route 191
Futile Falconry 11
Internal Disorder 101
Japs " In Buckrum " 335
Jolly Rogers (The) 65
"Magic Kettle" (The) 263
Mixed Buy (A1 110
Al.l.LX, Istil.lS
Difference of Class (A) 232
Free Speech 78
late Afternoon 458
BiAfK, HAROLD J.
Shakspeare on the Live Wire 248
Should a Wife open her Husband's
Letters? 292
BKEOIN, E. M.
Lesson in Golf (A) 214
BRETHERTOX, C. H.
Evaneseit: 212
Htudy in Emotional (Jostumes 455
ToaMincePie 4at
To an Old Friend 438
ToaMosquito 154
To a Peripatetic Minstrel 801
To the Memory of Chloe 22ii
BROWNE, GORDON
Puzzles and Paradoxes 292
BIKIWXE, H. DEVEY
I»ve or Money 34
Merry- Millionaires i.The: 26
BrcKLEY, JAMF.S 0.
Was Omar Khayyam a Golfer ! ... Ill
BL-RNASD, SIR F. C.
All alive O ! : 285
Crackers and a Report 3U7
Girls of the Period H37
" Go to Jericho," &c 338
Great Relief (A) 431
Guildhall, and After IM4
Here's a Pretty Go I 5
Inu-auguration (An) 132
In or out of the Movement ! !>8
" May they live long and brosbcr ! " 428
Middle-sex Difficulty :i:U
New Theatre and the Old Piece 10
Notable Revival (A) 410
On Pocket-Books 304
Operatic Notes 16,35,55
Our Booking-Office 18, K6, M
72, 90, 108, 126, 144, 162, 198, 216, 234,
252, 270, 288, 306, 324, 342, 360, 378,
SAMROI.RNE, E. LINLEY
" Most Favoured Nation " (The)
One Who Knows
Our Gunless Army
Peace on Earth .'
Phantom Fleet (The)
" Return of the Native " (The)
Soutliamptou Revels
Tall Order (A) ...
Till Further Notice
Time's Revenges
PARTRIDGE, BERNARD
Anglo-Saxon Kace (The i
Ave Cwsar ! . . .
389
837
BSD
Ml
im
a
3»
345
PARTRIDOE, BERNARD
Business First ill
Carlos, His Friend 363
" Chad in these Matters " (A) 327
Circumstances Alter Cases 165
Consultations Invited 255
" De Mortuis," &c. . . 435
Dream of Green Fields (A)"' 93
Fiscal Freaks (The) 331
Lesson in Patriotism (A) 3
Long Sight Better (A) 2::i
Matter of Taste (A) 21
Miitrem of the Sea 137
National rTetd (A) 155
PARTRIDGE BERNARD
" Necessitas non habet legf-iu " .... 67
On his Hobby 75
Practice and Precept '.". 309
Profit without Honour (A) 899
Return of the Specialist (The) 425
Venetian Reveries 218
Articles.
SIR F. C.
Record of a Short Holiday (The) ... 58,
71, 89, 107
San Carlists at Covent Garden 3C4,
:!•->.•(, :«f>, ,'(77, 395
Survival of the Fittest 356
Suspended Animation 294
Tempest in a Teacup (A) 379
To an Old Stager 333
Tuck-in at Christmas (A) 421
" Willie brue'd a peck," &c 128
Zutku and keeping the pot boiling 341
HriiXET, HODGSON
Baltic- Fleet (The) 305
Cupid's Guide to London 403
Distinguished Invalids 489
Hints to Young Writer* 454
Oxford Notes '. 384
Rondeau .... 409
Woman Beautiful 'The, 267
CAMPBELL, A. J.
Song of the Open Road (A) 244
COCIIRANE, ALFRED
Bridge Problems H
From Delia, Bridge Expert ;•»!
Mixed Day at Dufferton (A) 368 j
(,'oRXEi.irs, LILIAN
Symbolic Boots 293
Cox, F. G.
Feminine Figures 302
Cl KN-MI I,, K. M.
Avant et apres " L' Entente Cor-
dialc" 4jii
DARK, liiciiARD
Birthday Gift (A) 262
My Lady's Cake
I)I:\NF., A. C.
Following it up
Mr. Brown at Breakfast ... 183, 187,
224
Pickwick t'p-to-Date
Sole of Honour (The)
Tariff Talou Q1
43
KKl
32
206,
DUKLOP, W. W. C.
Chat-en-poche 271
KCKKRSI.EY, ARTHUR
Drama by Instalments 211
Idiomatic Phrases for Tourists 125
Political Romance (The) 157
. Putting it Nicely 337
Reform of Pantomime (The) 308
EDMONDS, F.
Correspondence of Mr. James Smith
and M. Jules Dubois (The) 44
Dog Policemen .... 97
ELIAS, F. \V.
Literary- Gossip 251
Love Games 259
Talking Shop 431
EMAHCKL, WALTER
Charivaria 9, 33, 43, 60, 82, 98, 124,
136. 153, 172, 181, 208, 225, -Ji
283, 295, 328, 351, 366, 384, 4C6, 422,
445, 451
Time-Fuse for Messenger Boys (A) 20
(rlUVKS, C. L. AXD LlTAS, E. V.
Amazing Viscount f The) 292
Art of Popularity tin- . 87
Book of the Moment The 2»6
Book of the Year The 458
Case of Mr. H. '.Tin- :fo7
( 'hantrey Bequest Investigation Tin- 42
Drug Market and its Value Tin- 17u
Dulditch Palace (A) 412
Earthquakes in Wellington Street.. 876
Echoes of the British Ass 152
Essays in Unction 268, 279, 302, 340
Feeding of the Old ('Hie) 24
From Next Year's Magazines 168
iMiii-sisof a Phrase (The) 394
Genius at Play .... 121
Gilded Humour 199
Glory that is Glubb's The i 448
Golf Notes '. 19
Gossip from the Links 80
Hani Times for the Birds
.
Benevolent Curiosity (A) 218
Doubtful Devotee i A)... 417
Homo Rule (New Style) 183
Neutrality 147
Touched on the Ra w— Material .'.'.'." 201
GRAVES, ( '. ].. AM. I.i , u, E. V.
Latest Epidemic (The) 263
Living History "41
" Love, bee-yutiful !/.«. " -..;
Manufucture of Pteudonvmii i i
More Cabmen Ci-iti.
Mr. Ualfour's Garden
Mr. Punch's Symposia
Mr. Svrinibuine's latest
Musical Jottings
Musical Notes . . .„
Natural HistoryNotea .. 00
New Hygiene (The)
Old Age Cure ;Thej
i. i
427
l, i:-J, 96, 134
140
.... 349
IM
Painter and the Carpenter
" Pa, Ma, and Babba "
Pat and the Footlights
Pets at the Play .............
Ihiliinthropist and the Constable
I'ri'vniliiij.' Miii-iiNil Depreosion
"Quirk, thyTaiblets, Mi-moiy! "
Secret History r,f Yi-sti-iduv 'The) 230,
240, 23», L';!,
Sensational Cricki-t .. . .... 8
Speculative Arolui'ologj ... ISO
Mun/us for MIIKII- ftl
Strictly Priuit,' 116,139
Telepnthy Dny by Day .......... 79
Vocal Politics us
380
. 423
278
434
;il'.i
314
.404
:t74
414
ANSTF.Y
Afternoon at the 2i>.
Business Methods of Mr. Bull .
Clearing Out .......
Delight of Giving The.
Energetic Signalling .......
" Form " on the Fifth
Mr. Punch to his Readers
My First Punch and Judy Show
i >ui Itooking-Omii'
Holiday Hints 17
4:. How tliey got there 197
358 Impossible Openings 204
19*. ' Tt cm-"* t.m Swimmino-K- l.VI
( lur Mr. Jabbcrjce in the Far Kast 6
Pnqnot King The > . . 350
QaUpn lir.i . 21H
" Separate Compartment " Patriot 410
Smallest Suggestion, &c ................ 330
HAXKIX, ST. Jons
Actor-Manager Explains i The) ...... 2
Mr. Squeers on the Emotions ...... 355
s.... >N.\t- 11...-.- nin ASfl
468
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 28, 1904.
Articles — continued
3EWITT, H. J.
Gunless "War Office (A) 359
SCARE, J. DOUGLAS
Blue Books for the Million 289
Cricket by Contract 100
Fashion Notes from Whitechapel... 253
Society Voice (The) 28
HOME, ALICE
Fashions for the Empire 401
HOPKINS, E. T.
Atomic Wait of Love (The) 241
Lacrimfe Rerum 453
Lost! 4SO
HUGHES, C. E.
Heber Hogg Correspondence (The) 177
"Was Shakspeare a Cricketer ? 88
HlJTCHINSON, A. S. M.
"Bridgitis" 313
My First Panto 272
Parochial Spice 370
KEMP-ROBINSON, E. S.
Figs and Thistles 243
KENDALL, CAPT.
Ballad of Edinboro'Toon (A) 63
Honest Reluctance '.?:}.>
Insurance Policy (An) 222
Lines Written in a Storm at Sea ... 265
My Lady's Gift 176
My Malady 25
Reform 415
To Edinburgh 88
To my Sense of Humoiu1 374
Tragedy 460
KERMAN, GEORGE A.
Railway Refreshments 186
LEA, WILL S.
Game of " Averages " (The) 10S
Our Dumb Pets 167
Tragedy (A) 268
LEHMANN, R. C.
"Horridoh! " 325
Mafficks and Obscurities 311
My Little Brown Dog M
Our Booking-Office ...18,234,288,324,
360
Oxford's Expansion 356
Queen Sylvia. . .362, 392, 404, 416, 446, 452
White Rabbit (The) ... 73, 92, 110, 132,
146, 176, 182, 212, 224, 236, 254, 290
LlTTELL, PHILIP
Special Instructions 326
"Tit-bits" and the "Guardian"... 385
LUCAS, E. V.
Life's Little Difficulties ... 320, 332, 348,
388, 402, 420, 440
LUCAS, J. LANDFEAR
Shopping by Post 464
LUCY, H. W.
Coronation Picture (The) 315
Essence of Parliament ... 13, 31, 49, 67,
85, 103, 114
" Fifty Years of Fleet Street " 413
" Jemmy " Lowther 204
Mangled Remains 373
Mr. Speaker 145
Our Booking-Office ... 18, 36, 54, 72, 90,
126, 144, '162, 180, 198, 216, 234, 252,
270, 288, 308, 324, 342, 360, 378, 396,
414, 432, 450,
Squire of Malwood (The) 266
MACNAGHTEN, HUOII
Ave, Cfesar! Moriturite Salutamus! 344
MARSHALL, A. H.
Garden Notes 27
MARTIN, N. R.
Hve;ik-up of the Empire 122
Modes for Men 305
MENZIES, G. K.
Another Queer Calling 70
classics Vindicated (The) 152
Complete Doctor (The) 393
Complete Journalist (The) 247
Pifficilis descensus A verm 99
Force (The) 144
Legs and the Man 347
My Dream 109
Panacea (The) 428
Point of View (The) 268
Therapeutics a la Mode 26
Ways to Wealth 41
Wooin' o't (The) 311
MEW, EOAN
Mr. Punch's Proverbial Philo-
sophy 211, 231, 331, 355, 380, 449
MILNE, A. A.
Answers to Correspondents 333
Lilian's Loves 142
POPE, JESSIE
" Another Pair of Sleeves " 231
Bundleby Bazaar (The) 288
Call of the Congo (The) 439
Close Finish (A) 187
Cochers, not Cochons 25
First-Aid Ferocities 108
Mail-Cart Dialogue 352
POPE, JESSIE
Matter of Diet (A) 250
My Motor Cap 369
Nautical Schemes 143
Ripley Road Martyr (A) 34
POWEI.L, G. H.
How we write History now 64
Lines to an Absent Friend 206
New Household Recipes 190
Parisian Gossip 240
RADLEY, J. A.
Entreaty (An) 333
Snapped Tie (A) 248
RAMSAY, R.
Landed and Lost 284
RlQQALL, PHILIP
Prospectus of the "Daily Piper"... 163
RISK, R. K.
Was Omar Khayyam a Golfer ? ... 134
RfSSELL, FOX
At the Grand Llainaserai ... 2i>
On the High C'» 143
SALMON, ARTHUR L.
Grateful Memory (A) 277
Love's Last Request 457
March of Progress (The) 388
SEAMAN, OWEN
Arms and the Showman 164
Blank Week (A) «t!2
Channel Record (A) 182
DerTaubadler 398
" Do we get our Deserts" ! .'«>
Dust-heap of Europe (The) 20
Famous Victory (A) 308
Games and the Man 434
George Frederick Watte, R.A.
(InMemoriami 28
" Growing Handicap of Marriage " 2: Hi
Jam 416
Modern Moloch (A) 272
New Dramatic Criticism (The) 2i»>
Night Thoughts of an Altruist :il-l
Our Booking-Office ... 72, 162, 1801252,
308
People's Sport (The.
Penis of Partisan Humour (The) ... 38
Salt of the Earth and Salt of the
Sea 200
Should serious Drama be divorced
from the Stage ? 68
Surplus Stock of Old Cartridges ... 218
To an accomplished Serio-comic .. , 2
To Delia— Bridge Expert . ..• .'«•!
Under one Flag 19
SEAMAN, OWEN
Women I have never married . . 74
92, 110, 128, 146
SEDGWICK, Miss B. I.
Thought Forces 194
SENIOR, W.
Pleasures of Imagination (The) . . . 248
Railway Romances 61
Respice flnem 127
SMART, H. C.
Instructions for Army Manoeuvres 170
SMITH, C. T.
Making of First-Class Men (The) ... 77
STRANGE, E. F.
ll:ibbits of Richmond Park (The)... 331
SYKES, A. A.
Architectural Beauties . 7
Art of Sleep (The) 193
At the Flinderies 46
Back-end Resolutions 457
Bad News for Villadom IT",
'Bus Test (The) 280
('bailees Missed at Cambridge 161
Croat Kiiec-Breeches Question .... 2i>2
Hot Weather "Cups" 88
How to Progress 316
Mr. Balfour on Government 140
New Banns (The) 117
New Nuance (A) 206
No Gratuities ! '.I'-l
Receiving Order 14
Science Notes 397.430,441
Should Motorists wear Masks ? 251
Some Gas-freaks Ho!.
Warning to Motorists (A) :lo«
Where the Money is lid
TAYLOR, SYDNEY J.
Before the Battle :
TURNER, DENIS
Pair of Pantoums (A)
WHITE, R. F.
Piwnt Perplexity (A)
WODEHOUSE, P. G.
Danger of being in the Public Eye 59
Every Prodigy his own Publisher... 277
Local Colour :ms
Polite Pilferer (The) 217
Proverbial Fables 52
Revival of Native Grand Opera . . 158,
179, 180
Shattered Illusion (Jf> 170
Society Whispers from the States . . 1 4i i
To an Amazon 118
Pictures and Sketches.
ALDIN, CECIL... 131, 177, 181, 221, 214, 253, LEWIN, F. G 197, 359, 412, -ir.fi
289, 337, 357, 373, 393, 401, 429, 433, LONC.MIRE, R. 0 88, J25
451
ARMOUR, G. DENHOLM ... 15, 4), 59, 79, 105,
118, 130, 151, 172, 190, 208, 226, 257,
285, 301, 321, 334, 343, 305, 379, 411,
419, 447, 463
BAUMER, LEWIS 63, 185, 349, 367
BLAIKIE, F 376
BOOTH, J. L. C 275, 312, 323
BOWRINO, W. A 422
BOYD, A. S 207
BROCK, C. E 37, 87, 163, 193, 213, 383,
397, 421, 441
BROWNE, GORDON 235, 291, 424
BROWNE, TOM 25, 69, 81, 121, 153, 249,
303, 329, 375, 405, 439
BUXTON, DUDLEY 322
CARTER, R. C 358, 377, 395, 431
CLEAVER, RALPH 19, 73
CLEAVER, REGINALD 203
COWHAM, HILDA 124, 142, 161, 214, 305
GILL, ARTHUR 250
GODDARD, L. C 80
GREIQ, JAMES 233
HARDY, DUDLEY ... 16, 35, 51, 55, 154, 241, 449
HARRISON, C 54, 304, 454
HOGGARTII, GRAHAM 430
HOPKINS, E 27, 109, 143, 199, 295
INGLIS, ARCHIE 440
JALLAND, G. H 211
JONES, T. W 160
KING, GUNNING... 45, 113, 133, 261, 315, 413
Mclll Tclli.X, F
MAYBANK, T 91, 127,
MILLS, A. WALLIS... 23, 77, 95, 141,
217, 331, 351, 423, 437, 459
OWES, WILI 01, 178,
PARTRIDGE, BERNARD
PATTERSON, MALCOLM
PEARS, CHARLES 196, 2?9, 265,
PEORAM, FRED 171, 223,
PRYSE, SPENSER
RAVEN-HILL, L.... 10,28, 46, 64, 70,
123, 129, 169, 215, 232, 237,
280, 296, 316, 339, 352, 370,
442, 460
REED, E. T.... 13, 14, 31, 49, 50, 6
86, 103, 104, 114, 115, 139,
205, 231, 242, 247, 267, 319,
340, 355, 361, 391, 409, 427,
455
SAMBOURNE, E. LINI.EY
SKINNER, CAPT
SOMERVILI.E, HOWARD ... 5, 97, 117,
STAMI'A, G. L. ... 135, 179, 279, 313,
453
STANLAWS, PENIHIYN
TOWNSEND, F. H.... 7, 43, 145, 167,
262, 277, 307, 347, 387, 403
YENNER, VICTOR
WILLIAMS, F. A
WILLIAMSON, F. M.... 34, 52, 89, 106
WILSON, DAVID
WILSON, GODFREY
WOODVILLE, R. CATON
269,
149,
251,
195,
33.V,
311,
82,
259,
388,
7, 68
159,
320,
428,
157,
341,
188
293
189,
283
466
287
415
369
457
100,
271,
406,
, 85,
175,
325,
445,
1
9
239
448,
33
187,
286,
126,
270,
71
464
234
99
39 1
385
Punch
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