Skip to main content

Full text of "Punch"

See other formats

, * 




'- . ' < t 


< <r-, 

r^l'-V'r"^ <J aciStri-Xs 



Presented to the 
LIBRARY of the 









Punch's AlmanacK for 1905. 


A crjlal patrtucnt, by UN 

(), but hlir will love him dearly . 

He shall have a cheerful home. TKV 

All m the fratmru of the humid air J. TII- '-- 

Tlie teeming elmul- 
Descend in ^!ad-iini- jileuiy n'er tile world. 

P . 


To pant and sweat U-neath the fiery noon. .!< 

Punch's Almanack for 1905. 


Beside the idle summer sea. W. E. HENLEY. 

Be patient, 
For tlie world is broad and wide. SHAKSPEAHE. 

Here from the sultry harvest fields 

The reapers rest at noon. T. BUCIIANAS READ. 

Measure not the work 
Until the day 'S out and the labour done. BBOWNINU. 

Of all the griefs that harass the distress'd, 

Sure the most bitter is a scornful jest. DR. JOHNSON. 

A steaming bowl, a blazing fire ; 

What greater good can heart desire ? WOBDBWORTH. 

Punch's AlmanacK for 1905. 

IT wa suggested by one of the scien- 
tific iconoclasts at the lout meeting of 
the British Association that the Zodiac 
was played out. 1/r. I'unth, however, 
as usual knows otherwise. To that 
profound Sage it is given to see farther 
than any through a brick wall, and he 
has discovered that, so far from Aries, 
Taurus, Aquarius & Co. having ceased 
to affect their children, it is impossible 
to escape their dominion, as the fol- 
lowing notes on the months only too 

abundantly prove. A baby coming into : heart of Aquarius is Sir Wilfrid Ijiwson, 

this world in January, under Aquarius, who is pledged to the service of water 

cannot escape aquati'c influence in one pure and simple. The world's i 

former another; to l>e lx>rn in March, for adstinenre is. however, held dy the 

under Aries, the Ram, is to be aggressive; Ancient Mariner, of whom it is recorded, 

to be born in July, under Ix-o the Lion, "Water, water everywhere, and not a 

is to be leonine; and BO forth. The drop to drink." In spite of Sir Wilfrid's 

Zodiac still rules, and .Mr. I'nnrh ha- creed it has Ixi-n proved dy Thames 

brought together instances lx>lh from trippers to Ix- as easy to U- drunk on 

ancient and modern history to prove the water as on land. In this month also 

truth of the assertion. were born Mr Water Ixmg and I>-rd 

Tankerville, I la ron S-hwep|>e, Mr. 

.IANTAKY AQUARIUS. Anthony Wate.vr. Mr. II. <!. 

Though water is placed lastof the four <> f I' 1 "' '-"I"" 1 ''? >>"' ''"'"; "'" l l'"ll 
elements, January has its revenge bv ***?' ''"''l f jvh..n. m Ins ,,wn way 
leading in the year. This is only as i't Wp '"" 1(1 "I- 'I'" &npim 
sliould l>e, for British greatness is built 
on its control of the water. The Kuglish- 
inan logins his day with a cold water 
tub, he temjier* the rigour* of the niijht 
with a hot-water botUS, and he consoli- 
dated his Kiii]>ire dy winning the dattle 
of Waterloo. The I'nited Kingdom is 
surrounded dy water. What would S-ot 
land do without its Hums, or l-'.n^lainl 
without ii Aipiariu- lillin^ly 

doiuinates the first of the mouth*. 

iiorn in .lauuary can avoid 
i watery influences either he will make 

a voyage, or ad-tain from ; K''t water 

on the drain or his feet wet ; pay tin- 
water rate or o lo jirison ; n 
much whisky with hi- water, or too 
little with hiswhiskv. And it is in this 
month that watcr-pi|H-s u-ually dui.-t. 

Knj;land has many nutadle .laiiuarians, 
as they miRht Ix- calle.1. I >ea rest to the 

Punch's Almanack for 1905. 


Hercules encountered the lirst Hydro. 
.hill. li.C. L'fiOl. 

Mixed bathing permitted in the Hound 
Pond. .Ian. 1905. 

Kingsley's II <;/</ lt<tbifx, published 

Qmbrellaa lirst called gamps. Jan. 

PifnvKRiis OK mi. MONTH. 

An Fiighshmau's aquascutum is Ids 

When an aroni spiouls on a iniiiiiitain asli, 
Thru |>iv]iaiv fur sjilash. .sjilasli, sjilash ; 
lint if a walnut hints on tin' oak. 
Tlicn ]>ri'j>jiri' for soak, soak, soak. 


Distrust cigarettes \\hich arc sold at 
niori' than ten a ]ienny. 

Irish eheroots can he negotiated only 
hy persons of an iron constitution. 

I'.efore lighting a cigar, always hold it 
to your ear. 11' yon hear a roaring like 
that emitted hy a sea shell, il is safer to 
ask for a milder hrand. 

FKl!i;fAi;V PISCF.S. 

'I'o he horn under Pisces is a sure 
augury of success as a swimmer. Hardly 
anyone so favoured can fail every 

summer to swim to France that test of 
the higher natation. (Ireasley was born 
in February, and no was Haggerty. 
Leander and Byron were both February 
babies, and it is the only month in which 
Holbein and Mr. Swinburne feel reallv 

The influence of Pisces is powerful 
also in stimulating thirst, and many of 
our greatest drinkers have confessed to 
February as their natal month. Porsoii. 
for example, so notoriously drank like a 
fish that the French coined from his 
prowess their expressive word /it,itnin. 

Such is the power of Pisces that most 
of the Finns are born in February, and 
they invariably chixise that month in 
which to perform any important action, 
such as taking a new house, buying a 
dog, Ac., ivc. 

Coldness of blood is not unavoidable 
by February children, but a certain 
frigidity is often noticeable. Mr. dill. 
K.C., was born in February, and so 


were Mr. Richard Whiteing, Sir Rennell 
Hodd, and St. Polycarp. Perhaps 
England's greatest February son is the 
judicious Hooker. 


I/.aak Walton became Senior Angler. 
February, 1015. 

Mr. Gluckstein met Judge Salmon. 
February, 1893. 

K ei I jeree invented. February, 118. 

Ananias related his first fish story. 
February, 61. 


Spare the rod and spoil the child. 
A fly in the hand is worth two in the 


On entering the room a caller advances 
towards the lady of the house before 
addressing anyone else, and shakes 
hands. If your hostess has only one 
arm, be sure to offer the hand corre- 
sponding to the one she still possesses. 

\\ hen a visitor rises to take leave, his 
hostess rings the bell so that the servant 
may he ready to open the hall door. If 
the bell is out of order, the guest, on 
dex-ending to the hall, should hum or 
sing gently to attract attention. Should 
that fail, he must call down the kitchen 
stairs, unless the kitchen is at the top of 
the house. 


March, the month of bluster and 
aggressiveness, owes its character to the 
influence of Aries, whose power is such 
that under it the most timid of creatures, 
the hare, develops an extravagance of 
behaviour which has become a by-word. 
Schemes of aggression almost invariably 
have their origin in March. It was in 
March that Mr. Andrew Carnegie began 
to endow Free Libraries ; spring-cleaning 
commences on the 21st ; and demands 
for rent disturb the equanimity of the 
householder in the last week of the 

month. To the domination of Aries we 
must attribute all these phenomena. 

To be born under Aries is inevitably 
to be energetic and assertive. Mr. Win- 
ston Churchill was born in March, anil 
so was Mr. Lloyd Ueorge. .Mr. C. Arthur 
Pearson lirst saw the light of this planet 
in a windy day of the vernal equinox. 
Mr. Chamberlain planned his tariff 
reform in March, and in March Admiral 
Togo rammed the first Hussiau cruiser. 
Our old friend Mrs. Ham was a March 
child, and Rameses the Second, and 
greatest, was crowned in this month. 


Cardinal Rampolla first saw Madame 
Clara Butt. March, 1899. 

Shakspeare murdered by a desperate 
band of noted amateurs. March, 1904. 

Ramadan introduced iuto London by 
the Omar Khayyam Club. Members go 
on Shorter rations. March, 1905. 

The Poet Laureate, Mr. Alfred Austin, 
received his first butt. Lady Day, 1895. 


Butt me no butts. 

You can't make an ivory ruler out of 
a rani's horn. 


To obviate the painfully bou/ante 
effect caused by rude Boreas and his 
attendant brethren, fragile and airy 
fabrics must now be carefully avoided. 
For esplanade wear, tailor-made gowns 
should be heavily shotted, while an inner 
lining of ferro-concrete will be found to 
give the desired stability to a fur-trimmed 
cloth redingote. Now, however, that 
open-air exercise in all weathers has 

become so fashionable, no one should 
venture out in a tornado without a 
parachute. Embroidered and jewelled 
parachutes of lace and he-be ribbon made 
up over a detachable silk lining, of which 
it is advisable, in the interests of variety, 
to include several in one's wardrobe, are 
now much in vogue. 

Punch's Almanack for 1905. 


-i MI.IIIIKK Ki'ii SU:K. 

m the cue of another personage 
well known in literature, Toby's birth 
"' wropt in mygt'nr." I There are 

authorities who claim that he descended 
in a June thunderstorm fruin the Dog 
tar. Thai. however, mill nut Ix- 
Smnsly. In brief, it is a myth. 
waa n-ver nearer tin- Canis major than 
waa Homer, whose birthplace i- Anally 

U Stlhjl-Ct llf ini|lt|-|>\. 

Whilst dkoMBng legendary lore it 
i aaf- rliat Toby was Imrn of 

poor but hom-st parents. II,. htcked 
the advantage* of cdm-ation at :i public 
w-liool. an.l t.k a degree neither at 
Cambridge imr Oxford. Hut, as .Mm 
Hritfht iis,.<| to say, ami was al>le lo 
penonally testify to th' truth of the 
allegation. 'Varsity training i- not abso- 
luU-ly nwntial to achievement of high 
position in public lift-. 

The fart in, reading ami writing came 
to Toby I iy nadir.-. Tlnis endowed he 

overlooked. Toby selected the other 


abli- to pursue ln~ at the 

fountain head. His mother, to whom, 

like mot* great m-n. he . 

waa retnoNi-d by water early fn>m this 
apherr. His father. Tobias by name, 
waa the companion of a wooden -]. 
waU-liman who livi-d in tlu> vicinity of 
Utelaleof Jtogs. Hen-ft of his mother 
the young pup c-lung more c-l.^-|\ to 
hia remaining; pin-nt. Al-i on Unc 

- - >" IV to 

I been 
B wooden I.- K in whiih ! inanted 

On the face of it it was a trifling 
rirrtiinstaniv. It had momentous rff.vt. 
Tin- irate watchman niisunderstamlinir 
liis motive, which was simply to investi- 
gate the reasons why one leg should 
be more bulky than the other, kicked 
him off. His father fearing to be de- 
prived of his living disowned him. and 
Toby was cast out upon a cold world. 

i ring to the Isle of Dogs his capa- 
city and |M>rsonal predominance <|tiickly 
Iv.-s. Though still young 
in years he drew around him a retinue 
of dog. Some acquired the habit, 
fastened ii|Kin them by rude Ix 
a p| taring at Court with sections' of a 
tin can attached to their tails. This 
indignity, the handiwork of idle bon, 
jr.ive birth to deep resentment in the 
generous breast of the Captain. He 
resolved to form a Republic in the 
island. As a preliminary he established 
six Army Corps with remounts and all 
modern appliances. In due time he 
would lead his army against the tyrants 
of his nice, make prisoners of them, and 
.send them to work in the gold mines 
under native ganger... 

All went well for Mime Weeks. At 

the approach of the dog days sedition Unrated within the camp. The 
Commander-in-Chief he had now as- 
sumed that rank with extra rations 
as accused of ratline;. Summoned to 
ap|"-ar In-fore the Council of 'I',.,, | M . 
indignantly denied the charge. As hi- 
ded with his i mil ion the cars and 
tails of his accusers dnxi|>ed. Ti . 
'" ( ' icil barked appr..\ in-jlv, honour- 
able aix|iiittance was certain.' when, as 
William Hla.k \ , l,i, novels. 

thing happened." - 

commotion was heard at the l.a.-k of 
in A < rv 

Instantly all the do L - 
Council ,,f Ten. U,]ied. leaving 

,1 lonely d.. K . 

><<< Toby, still in 
i,s. th. iifh ui-cr than maiiv 

. -:,... k the mud of the 
Isle of Iio^s from off his paws and 
turned his face towards the setting -un 

"The star of Kmpire." he suid, " rises 
in the \V. 

One morning. t,,kin^ a walk 
Meet Street, whom should he imvt but 
Mr. I'niirli. The k. 

piercing tin- -I. , trnstfnlly 

lurned ii| n him beheld the 

Inclit of honoty and genius that shone 
beneath them. His friendly v 

irli--s|\ obeyeil. Trotting briskly 
at the lieels of his new ma-ter Toby 
found himself in an otlii-e. He ;u* 
promptly arraye<l in a while starched 

ruflle, and "accommodated with a 

as they say in the jiolice churls, on a 

number of volume- -et upon the table 

where sat the Master Spirit of \]:. 

pen in hand, contemplating an im- 

That was sixty thiee years a. I "icky 
I>oyle happened to lc.k in. drew 
and dog as they .sat in clo-i- coni]ianion- 
ship, a picture of world-wide renown 
that exisi.s to this day. Forty M-.H-S 
Liter the electorate of Harks, looking 
round for a representative worthy of 
the historic c ly. ,-ent Toby to Parlia- 

Hut that is another RtOTT. A: 
the doini.'s and sayings of Toby. M.P. 

of The Kennel. Hark-, written in suc- 

\olutlles of I'llln-ll \\||. 

.laiidi'iii'd the world .luring 
f a century ? 

Punch's Almanack for 1905. 



* '/%,. ' 


- - J 















Punch's AlmanacK for 1905. 


and renown : 
uily was staying at 

1 . ' 

Now tiilpin bought a motor-car. 

And the first tun.- 'twas 
Arranged to letch hi* family. 

And take them tor a n 

'l"he morning caiue, the chauffeur drove 

The car up to the doora : 
A 16-hone-power. Clincher tvred 


Ami, wbeu it stopped, men sauntered up, 

And little boys aa well ; 
And some remarked tin- wheels went 

And aome observed tin* Mii.-ll ; 

And everyone cheered loudly when 

A start wa* made at la-t 
To n lluit drays ami brewers' vans 

Were uuly oui-eLused. 

Now all went very well ;it tirst. 

Hut twenty miles from town 
Something begun to squeak. At once 

The cliauffrur gut him down. 

Ala* ! while lie wo underneath 
To find out wlutt was wrung, 

Ciilpin waa left alone w Im-h 
Tbe moral of my nutig i. 

Now Gilpiii ithougli a pJeaaant wit 

Who loved a liiuely jok 
Sauce knew tin- diffcremv between 

Misfiring and a spoke. 

So. having nothing elae to do, 
At length no* need* forsake 

Ik* riie at looker-on, to put 
The ctach in by mistake! 

" So, fair and m.fil he cried, 

Bat John he cried 

! again. 

the jmce: 

li-^.- ill hi- fright. 
I the throttle with hi- i 
And eke with all hi- might ! 

Away went mask and hat ; 

miles an hour or more 
He d.i-hcd along the tiat. 

\nd when the rumour spread around 
The (ii.rdon-lViinett I. 1 . 

scarcely was n |-cr.-<in then- 
Hut backed him fora place. 

While men who in the morning laid 

i to one on 1. 

l>iked anxiously at (iilpin's back 
And tried their U--t to hedge. 

1'he dogs did Uirk, the children .-ci. 

And chicken- strewed the road ; 
And some cried out " Police, jiolice ! ' 

And some, "Police In- bloweil ! " 

Sl..\\ly at lir.-t. l.ut fa-ti i 
ll >;.ithe|. iiaili, 

And all the way it c.iiuc IM-I 
It hurllol liack 


The IJi.rdoii-lJcimctt i 
Thir, i- I round. How well 

* liljiin maintain^ the 

Then Sergeant .larrett juiced a mile, 

And wailed watch in hand : 
Hut. eke to hide hi- fell intent. 

hi;* Unit.- with sand . . . 

Hut (iilpin vanished in a cloud, 

And \ery sin he n eared 
Hi.- family, who wondered much 

To we how well he steered. 

They cried, "John (iilpin! Here we are! 
Stop, stop, for Heaven's sake ! ' 

liihn. with head lietueeii his kiui--. 
i't Miiniime tind the brake?" 

So like a bullet swift he flew 

Shot from a marksman's gun 

-t his family for why ? 
It was a Nun stop Run ! 

Away went (iilpin, faraway. 
I sore* against his will ; 
Till -.Hill-where short of John o (iruuts 
His car .H| still. 

udenil what to do. 

ECs csralssBMss (also! 
Once more was his undoing, f,,| 
The cur began to b. 

Si backward ever (iilpin daslied, 

I'ntil some mile- from town 
He met a ciivn> in the nnul .... 

And then at laM j^ot down ! 

Hut. nii'l' >ii;iiedly in. doubt, 

( iot down UJKIII his head 
Smie yardr- away ; and jniiple thouuht 
. " Al;i>! he must l>c d. 

Not he! Hy Linding on "The Man 

With India-rubber Skin " 
He saved his own ! -all but a slight 

Contusion to the shin . 

not N. fort in i. 
And all to pii-cc- went : 
They found a wheel ii, ire, 

A sparking-plug in Kent. 

That night (returning home by train) 

O'er coffee and cigars, 
Surrounded by his family, 

He cursed all motor-ca: 

He cnr.-ed the I^ancheMer with strength, 

The Ihirracq without pau>e; 
Hut mifrt of all he cursed aloud 
'le- Napier-More; 

And promised there and then to buy 

A carriage ami a pair, 
And when his wile goes forth to shop 

May I !M. near to stare. 

S. 1. 1 n- -\\\^. - Ing live the King ! 

And < iilpin long live he ! " 
And ( iilpin'.- wife, who daily drives 
lo\\ n IJegent Strii-t at tin. 


Punch's Almanack for 1905. 



At last! 
Unexampled success ! 

glory of the town and tie admiration' o* 'touri^ '" "* 

They recomuience trying for another celebrity. 

Punch's Almanack for 1905. 


dajit before the .!.: : I :_!. 

In thia mouth waaJolm Hull i 

I .uiru- 

Kin in 

I.ii-liii; tiil 
April. |SI."> 

on the fina. aixYirdiiiK to auuie foreign 
pablicMU. but not o according to 

lot onh | : -,, ,.J [.,." 

bngland, hut he typ 


Cocker. The old mtUcmau. 

of i trouble* in same 

a t wi 

* or two of South Afric 

lidity of character. In 
various liquid form-, a^ain. In- ministers' 
to one i .. i Ughajn 

M .n. 

I! I'.nll tlll-n '- ;i 

.t) to the illuiiiiiiiiliiiii nf 

-:; ' - 


juut, a Miipiiiuii uf Uumjun influeota, 
the poawbUiiy of Go-man measles, a 
alight attack of Lhaeaatude is Mill 
hale and untouched at heart There 
n aome who aay that he takea too 

ICQ CBUsTVttB ftt flasfl^alB~"A Ya4*w i n 

which Mr. fWfc i> inclined to agree 
and ia too liule dwpowd to consider 
"iows meaauKa to compete witli hi. 
_J amerprmng Brother Jooathaa; 
but doubtless energy in this direction 
ill rune ia tn,.. II. remaiua at any 

- with no ordinary .. 
that the tun enten Taurua only a few 

'! bo born in April ia to be iiifallihlv 
awociated in aome way or otln-r with 
Taunw. Bislay pn/^ winners an- 
in thu. month, and ao was Mr. Jesse 
pollings. It was in April that tin- 
am Cowea regatta was held, an<l in 
that month also Mr. L'rokw, tin- T..U,- 
Boa, left Oxon. 


M. . .. - 

' tut a 

liull in tli- 

COMMON >i i-i .11-1 1 1 IONS. 
a is*.- in V>nr t.-acup mean- 

If a tinlack a 


^'"'d Illck. 

in i- *-en 

on the Uithroom lliKir nml no; picked 
up. mi-fortune will do^ your -t.-p-. 

It i- unlucky to give red p'-pper to a 
mad hull. 

Walking into a -li.H.t ri^'li 
foiemo-t l>riiii: luck. 


The lle.nenK Twin-. 
Pollux, affect in \arioii.-wa\- the de.-tiny 
of those Ixmi in May. i - the 

Citron of horsemanship and driving, 
Pollux of boxing and wrestling. To Ix- 
Ixirn in May is therefore, in addition to 
tin- chances of being a twin, a sure sign 
that one will lie influenced ]tot>itivcJy or 
negatively by horse- or Inu 

The advantages of being a twin iiru 
obvious only when it. enables tin- one 
who has done wrong to \v mistaken for 
tin- one who Las done right. On th 
other hand, it d<x-s not entitle you to the 
Koyal iJouuty No really very great 
IXTSOHS have ever been twins, with thr 
: exception of Cesar and Pomp.",, Beau- 
mont and Fletcher, and the two 1, 
Sidney and Nancy. 

li i- ini]M**il>le for a May baby to go 
through life without either witnessing a 
wrestling competition or refraining from 
doing so such is the |x>wer of Pollux. 
llarken.-ehmidt was a May baby, ami so 

wen- the Terrible Turk and the An. - 
Bulgarian. All May children are Iwrn 

with clenched list-.' All May children 
also aru in danger ol Un-ominv i 
whether lh,-\ take to m .,, mil. 

Inl Mi-amptoii was a May lial>\. Mr. 
: Itider Haggard, Miss Col,- 
; Mornington and Marshal NVy \- - 

ill M;.< . 


St. 1'atn. k inin.iucwl bulLt 
Ireland to take the place of 

April. |ii 

a A | iil i. 1:1.-. 

in kni K |n.-,i April. 11 


Castor oil first adim . tin.- 

littl..- Poll-k-. Ma\. L881. 

Scotland Yard iir-t ilis<-o\ei,d that 
Adolf IWk was not John Smith. Ma\, 

John Chilcote, M T .. .ipjKiinted ainlia- 

Jo Slam. 
Mn.i ;, (iraml and Mr. \V. 

Baddelej win th. mixed double-. 

l'i...\n:i.- n nn: Mo.vru. 

Two of a face seldom agree. 

It i- Ix-tier to iiavu vjermaa measles 

thau SiaJiiuae twins. 

Punch's AlmanacK for 1905. 



The cricket season proper may be said 
to open with May. About this time the 
daily papers will begin to print cricket 
articles. In the Chronicle Mr. Jephson 
will welcome the return of King Willow 
to power and wish him the allegiance of 
Old Sol and as little as possible of the 
company of Jupiter Plu. 

On the fields all over the country 
wickets will fall, and not a few legs will 
find their way before them. About the 
13th a great batsman will disappoint 
his admirers. On July 1 Surrey will 
appoint a new captain. 


That, we cannot always be moving 
forward but must occasionally reeuler 
pour mieux sauter, is beautifully indicated 
by the entrance of the Sun on the sign 
of the Crab. For, as the American poet 
sings : 

Three tilings there are in the world which when 

they seem coining are going. 
When they seem going they come diploma- 
tists, women, and crabs. 

While a somewhat similar thought has 
occurred to our own Poet Laureate: 

Hash iiinii toils forward, ev'u in four-wheeled 

Yet surely something may be said for crabs. 

Xot merely something but much may 
be said for the wayward crustacean, who 
deeply influences all who see the light 
under hia ruddy sign. To be born in 
June is to be reactionary, an apostle of 
retrogression, a laitdutor tcniporls acti, 
and so strong is the spell of their natal 
bigu on oarsmen who celebrate their 

birthday in this month that they can 
never be depended on in an emergency. 

M. Pobedonosteff, the Procurator of 
the Holy Synod, was born in June; so 
was Mr. Henry Chaplin. In this month 
also the days grow to their longest, like 
a crab's claw in process of deliberate 

extension, and begin 1<> shorten again, 
like the same claw withdrawn. 


Mr. Wilfrid Blunt opened Arabian 
Aquarium at ('rabbet Park. June, 1901. 

'.'mi/ ' 'Ifiii.i inn! l.iltlf Cl nits, written 
by Hans Andersen. June, 1846. 

The Great American Impresarios, 
Messrs. Klaw and Erlanger, projected 
their dramatisation of Crabbe's Borough 
in this month. 

Lord Hoseliery crabbed the Anglo- 
Frencli Agreement. June, 11KM. 


Even a crab-apple can have the pip. 
It is better to catch a Tartar than a 
Crab.- Togo's Table Talk. 


Tennis lawns should be well swept 
and mown, the courts marked out at 
least once a week, and lost balls care- 
fully looked for in the herbaceous 
borders. Withered flowers should be 
removed, dried and pressed, and if 
snow falls it should be at once removed. 
Watering is necessary in dry weather, 
but in the event of a heavy rainfall the 
amount can be substantially reduced. 
Cover fruit trees with green baize, and 
pot newspaper cuttings. 


Punch's Almanach for 1905. 


lamC or rwi '"" "' vii " 

tanrnn* . TTEU 



Punch's Almanack for 1905. 




Punch's AlmanacK for 1905. 


UM trading public irr invitml In lainnl ill mlary.] 

I am* wiah thai I roultl 

M- . .( drift. -d haaa 

a what I IHM in cnrly day*: 
I that I could take a ci>" 

' "' s- !!..-. V. - .-- 

' Mmully reconstruct the liinll of venial 

I would (in thought j renew delight 
Of every BHWonV sporting cull : 

Thecunive hoop, tin- hovering kit.-, 
The pebble-loaded catapult ; 

I 'd give a lot to Uutte again 
The joy of {ping into l.r.-. vhw, 

Or even bear (in mind tin- pain 
Of caudal switches. 

I (imply cannot ! When I 've seen 
The voting about me skip ami play 

I 've felt I never could have b^-n 
So young, ao inunat urcly gay ; 

And though they kindly veil their ai-orn 
When 1 elude th.-ir hurlv burly. 

I know they think that 1 wax '. 
Obrae and surly. 

Yet, when upon the evening brerae 
The igha of lovers haunt my ear, 
Whan awaliowB nwoop from over aeaa, 

When Spring (to cut it ithort) where; 
I too. who once at Natures will 

Followed apace the aeaaon'a fa*hion. 
Mentally reoonMrurt the thrill 
Of vernal pa- 

magic aighu and acenla of May ! 

Ikrk flow Uir .-Umig .]* 

M mwu are rrnt tluit round me dm*;. 
And 1 retrieve my boyhood' 

in tin* elemental stage 

Mitlcrscotch ami llcnty. 
Hut at the still 

:i tn t\vri ' 

i-h a garish \ 

'.iwli-sH riifT; 
niun- my lip liu\v s\.-H care8Bed !) 

i kind nf iliiwny (luff; 
AliiKift tin- iiiriniiry makes me swoon 

Ami IMV I know it I am playing. 
" n tli,il I liki- tin- |Mii^nant i 

He IHII ir,'r>- Mnii 

that the nutty >;rov 
* >r tramped across the " >h'->-|> trimmed 



- milly wove 

Alxmt lu-r crest a lloral erown 
Hut May has .soinehow always struck 

The chord of that third term at college, 
When she and I essayed to pluck 
The Tri-e of Knmvl. 

Mom trenched on higher themes; 
Sift nothings whiled the hour away. 
And just as in a world of dr> 

\\ent by that truant term of May; 
M\ habits underwent a chai 

My bowling loM action ; 

:i to 1 Ions s|,, : lt , 

( ' ilcr attraction ! 

e her. day by day, a i 
Warm from my cheat, but still de- 
From modesty, I mn-l siipjxMe) 

To breathe aloud the crucial word ; 
And while my doubting lips refrained 
I'o a>k h.-r if she e.uvd to;h it, 
Juite suddenly my hopes sust. lined 
A kn ck 'Hi buffet ! 

The facts v Fnun my exam 

I issued of all my \.-ar. 
Which caused n>\ captious ||, to dam 

What would havi- lieeti a fine eg] 
I guessed the shix'k might well explode 

That heart 1 could not now ante 
I'o whose si-diictive snares 1 owed 
This shameful exit ! 

She txire the news with perfect tact '. 

I i . i n wondered if .she had, 
rnknown to me. a nuptial pact 

With some more ixify undergrad. 
Base doubt ! She merely meant to hidn 

Thetruth that she u : ,s hroken-liearte.l ; 
And so, with many a soli inside, 

We kissed and parted ! 

Two decades fled before I face 1 

Those scenes again : the shop was 

But 0, her name was now erased, 
And she had gone I know not where 


"She lit the match." 

Her name I will not noise j n print; 

:HT addn-ss 1 drop no clue, 
Nor yet betray by half a hint 

Wliat was the local shade of blue ; 

lion s.-als my mouth, and if 
1 i\e Mow> her social statin 
thence 1 drew the primal whiff 
Of love's afflatus. 

She sold tobatvo often I. 

Leaning acroex the sundering bar, 
From sheer virility would l.uv 

A loin, 

She lit the match ah! little spark 

'he luoguea of hea- 


And alw:i\s mad.- - , remark 

. the we.|- 

.ipiioua Head." 

Yet if her heart like niinei is true, 
il can picture her as saving 
time to tone, "0 that we two 

( Inc.- more were Maving 
<). S. 

Punch's Almanack for 1905. 




^IK^10^^: r ,^> 5 ^,fe'^^0 ^o 5r v--, 

' fa ^' A^?^ ^^feHSPt xo^ xs ^ i * (/ 
<^&P^fe^>tiL^ i^o^ !^Y,*rWf5rvJ 





JULY-LK' '. 

\Viili llw entry of the Sun on !>,. a 
multitude of national attributes arc 
revealed in thane burn under thi- taw ny 
aign. The children of l**> an- invari- 
ably strong ami fen'ion-. lint of a 
majrnanimouft diRpomtion ami a noble 
nii'l l**nerolent appearance. They wi-ar 
their hair king, even in the dog <\.i\~ 
they like to get tin- limiV share of all 
gnud thing!, and, if musical, on very ' 
light provocation will rend the welkin 
ill. their roar. If addicted to literature 
llipy are prone to the composition of 
leonine vernes, and attRirte<l l.y the 
l'-jfcnU of Lyonneiwe. If niu-ic-al. they 
incline to the cult of tin- linn comuine 
If engaged in the brewing trade tliey a marked preference fr tlie I(il 
I^oo orer all other aigna. If their Ix-nt 
he financial they generally adopt n 
nmping attitude. 

The choice of the lion an 
f.f MriLnn. in npitc i if the f;-t that 
lino* were nn-er imligi-noiiH in theae 
iiknda. baa long been the aubject of 
hrntnl eontrovenjr. hut now, according 
to the Poet Unreale. it pn.lably arcwe 
fmm a confuakxi on the part of King 
Alfml when, after cmitine a HI-.-I. In- 
wan minted In- Inn grnti-ful )>iilijrcta aa 
I/rd of the llain An\ liow, July u Ui 
month in which Itonining mchea ita 
grand climact* 

II. Tr Julius Sect 1 1 first entered a lion's 
den. July, 1870. 

Lyons' Restaurant first opened nt the 
Zoo. July, 1901. 

lr. Clifford first KIW tlie Isuiy of 
Lynn*. July, 1902. 


A lion in an ass's skin is moredanpor 
oii~ than a slitvp in wolfs clothing. 

It is safer to twist tlio tail of tlie lion 
than the horn of the unicorn. 

A DjUXn NUI-NM Pi \iivi. 

The high ti-ni|xT.iturc ]ircvnilii . 
tin- do/ davi ri':nliT-- tin- c!i"i'-'- of .1 
light fahric indispeowUe. Biit as 

iiiiiii'T-ion i- nluiiy- pooaible, it is a-< 
vv.-ll to have the skirl of waterproof 
ffni- iii-ll<- with a cork lino waistlielt 
tniiinicil with aerated nutemfHtflit, 

The tunic and lioiliee should !> nf 
\Vati-rhury ticking with an antique 
alnniiniiini jnli'l. always a sati-factory 

|aoceasory, while :i stri|>i-il I'oiii) 
Zouave with /, -'/"In insc-rtions and a 
sash of iinitiitioii pampas gra-> knotted 

, loosely on the left side, coin!' 
produce an eminently miitahle w' 


Virgo lx>ing the I.-nly ranunoiint I 
August, nnia/onian influences are rife 
throughout the month. All the most 
eminent exponents of I'lnancijatcd 
womanhood. Semiramis. yueei. Kli/a 
lx>th. George S;ind. t"'"rge l^gerton, 
Mrs. Carrie Nation and M.i.l:ime Sarah 
Grand, were born in August. It v.a.- 
in August that Mr-. Kddy in, 
Christian S-ien, e and lire. Bloomer 
the bifurcated skirt. In fact, whenever 
woman lia- shown herself in the van, it 
has been under the sign of Virgo. 
Girton and Newnhani Colleges were 
founded in Augn-t ; it was in August 
tint lady cycli-t- in rational costume 
stormed the Hautlioy Inn, that .Madame 
Sarah Bernhardt played Utimlrt, that 
l.nea- Male! <ltH-ide<l to amputate Sir 
Jiirlumi f'ulmailii. and that Mrs. Gallup 


\VlmkaaIe ezodua of young liona from 

A Dance Round tl 

< World on a Motor. 


\ , u-ll,-r who on making hi* way II 

,, lt i;,,,m on n. lions for spending a 

i that it pi- ' llr 

hat owin,- n r \ ';,;;;; ;,, ,; I1 ,.i lt write*, i,.- is a I..V.T ..f .1- w - 

i ,|,at all muapum. a!- 8 

fad of suicide, and m' 

Stating Chriatna. by dod on that . "Fathe. 

riue^t ion. 

\Ve d.i not know 
how the 

that \\e are willing 

l\e pverj 
difficulties, nnd to 

1 'V i g ( 'onk." 

who write* to a>k us 
what is the U--I 

thod of removing 

' finger-marks from 
only suggest india- 

confidently ' 
paled th.v 
night of Christmas 
Day, not lew Uutn 
twenty thousand 
little boys will 
wishing they liail 
nerer been born, ami 
the music f the 
weights will ! 
awful to hear. 

For ladie*. loowi 
bkxura are to bo 
the rational coMtuiiH- 

(or tlie I'hri-liua- 

dinner- party this 
year. Small '>- 
will, as usual. I"- 
moat aenwl'ly da<l 
in elantk . 

"Tlik-k or 



the 'footman to MJIH- 
ter Tommy. "lk.ih." 
answered M 
Tommy, without a 
moment's ' :> - 


We trust, l>y tin- 
by, that lh-n- will 
not be a n-|M-titi<m 
this year of a di- 
gustingorgie which 
took place la-t 

llarry and a Han 1. 1 
entered one f I ><-k 
hart's aatablithr 
menu. "What 'II 
yoa are?" asked 
llarry. "Tea, caw- 
fee, >r i-.M-oa?" 
"Oh, fat's 'ave all 
three," aaid Harriet. 
"Orlright, as it's 
Christmas II eve," 


Hy the !.y, 
who, tin l 
>ur|.ri-i-cl ou ( ' 
nias I 1 ', vc having 
supper in tlie kit- 
i-licu with :i pdlii-i--, answiTrcl her 
mistress's " \Vliat ' 
the mean iii 
this?" with "Oh, 
please 'in, I tlitnii;ht 
I heard burglar-." 
should have :i 

1 1 n in h wa 

|o Mi r \:,t-n 111 

The lat. 

novation is, appar- 
ently, to have diinil) 
diners. \Ve rwei\ed 
an invitation from 
a Sn-iety lady tho 
otlxT day, to dine 
with her "absolutely 


or focxo Frn-Btomi, wno, 

The feeling in 

hi n ' -:- 


IT wma n TAUS TO si A SKM-KMT. 

TO K * TH so 


lint this, j.erhaps, 

is not so olTen-H'' 

as a far more com- 

mon form of invita- 

\Vo liavu not 

jiieiitly been 

a-ked totakedinm.r 

with acijuaintances 

"in quite a friendly 




the plane of the 

is steadily gaining 

r ' ; '- 

M presents 
Christmas Card 
ground among 

The most clever of the many clever 

-.'..: '-> ' ' ' ' ' 

is a ponr tiling compared with the little 
girl w:. wallowea the thraepen: 
.e Cluistmas podding but year. 

we make a point of never quarrelling 
at a dinner-party, the condition is un- 
necessary. _ 

It is hard when an honest attempt to 
please only succeeds in calling forth 
angry actions. The two little lad* who, 
having overheard their paps remark that 
he must get his high hat ironed l>efore A well-known cricketer was 

in his absence ironed it an interesting family event. Suddenly 
quite flat, are feeling very sore about it 

Ten Lusty Boys now 

the N'nr-... rii-hed into hm 

' NV.'ll, Nurse? " he wild, " what 
is it?' "Two line byes," announced 

Punch's Almanack for 1905. 


(By uur GMineaqui Ai-ltat. Sltidiea fur Colliu Tuixnlry.) 

Punch's Almanac K for 1905. 


'' - V 

stain from running 
.illmcr i. ! 

I'nleH I hare no ready 


{talc. To abstain from tale-bearing, 
and scandal. 

less discussing 
Mr*. Slack 
whuse hair is as 
changeable as her 

Ittdf. -Toabsuim 
fi .in incredulity 
when uiy husband 
. < has been 

detained on busi- 


I '.mill's. 

llult.-'\\\ alwtain fnim out-Miigiii. abstain from allowing 

r.eighbniir:- in tin- hymns and Kdwin to ki-.s me again. 

/.>..;./; 1'nles.s my fringe 

I'idc-s in the vicinity . on his out button when I've 

'ii. ite who has a weakness for i. 

liuli . I.... I. -tain from U-ing engaged 

to more than 

at a time. 


. Un- 

lie returns in 
liigli pirita, with 
hi* hair ruffled. 

I'l Fuwua'a. 

Hi tit. To abstain 
f ii.ii i li^nVing. trip- 
]>ing. or unduly 
marking tne 

riKtiir's forwards at 

I:'tcept ion. Un- 
! they are in the 


Halt. To ab- 
tuiu frum breaking 
<li. "ii fences out 

. Uu- 



isn't lunfcing 

stain from 
free play to 
muscle in a crowd. 

Inception. - 

at a bargain 

MM. Ilarar 


. I'n 
ot hers 

i-s -. 

Ituli-. To abstain 
from Mimking in 


vs Maiiima 


Hide. To abstain 
from reading 

- letters. 
SbeeepttOH.- I "n- 

1 'L thinks it 

Ifule. To abstain 
from offering 

r's cigai 
to a friend. 

Kfftption. I'n- 
less I've run out 
of my own. 

Ititlr. 'I'nah.-taiii 
from l>reaking the 

Kfn-jitiini. I'n- 
lesa the cat V in 
tin- nxmi. 



. To abstain 
fruui spooding more 
than four hours a 
day on the sola. 


"THA roi'. &! THAT 




Ifitlc. To abstain 
from eating , 
during Bible Les- 

l'Js<-ffitiiin. -Un- 
Oie girl behind 
drops them down 
my iiii-k. 

mile. 'I'uab.-taiii 
from giggling out 
loml at Hitter 

TU ,,KE i> 

lea after bearing one of dear Henry's tffc.-To wear an unbecoming hat 

through Lent. 

To abstain from haring my **pti<m.-UnleB8 at Sunday morning 
boudoir ref umiahed more than twice a aenricee and missionary meetings 


-Unlsas dear Henry's po*i- 

To refrain from mentioning 
our tilled connections in general oonrer- 

less her clothes are 

too weird for winds. 

li'itlr. To abstain 

. . 

To abstain from showing any 
interest in the opposite sex. 

option. Unless at Easter decora- 


rptum, Unless 
Moon is present. 


Rule. To abstain from betraying 
confidences. Sat -Unless I am 

Spender- quite sura that the person to whom I t.-ll 
them is as trustworthy as myself. 

from Win;; m\ t.-mpcr uitli Hertie and 

Eaotption. I'nli-w they pull me back 

by my pigtiiil the 

Rule. To abstain from kicking my 

'l.'.ir little l,,tl,y brolher. 

Ksfi'l<litiii. I' he take* up too 
iniii'li n>m in my mail cart. 
Hull-. To abstain from crying. 
'' ' when wa.shu 1. 

Punch's Almanack for 1905. 


.'mi, the Bow (to Binh.-i. u-ho it trying to adjuat the moorings, and has arrived at the liappy moment when he is douUfid whether 
he u'di tsluy u'lt/t the pole or return to the punt). "Now TI1EN, TOU IDIOT, KEEi- STILL! I'VE GOT A KIBBLE! " 

Punch's AlmanacK for 1905. 



I'l.iiv i i.-iv~ t mi Mi'Mii. 

It i!. In-Mrr in "ii a swelled head 
thiiii i sit on a s-<ir|. ion's tail. 

Tin- l-ark of th<- n.-kai. than 

tin' l>il<- of thr rorkali 



To Hi i..a \u- If ilisM\cril in tin' 
(.antrv. -;iv that \.>ii -t'|i|^'il in to 
out of thi- \\a_v of .t mot' : 

\V v-r -nsi.s ' Tin- -tiiij,' inn^t IM- 
i \ti.ictrtl if tin- ni-'-rt hart left it in. 
otli.-ruis*' it is iisi-lrss to sturcli f'>r it. 
In tin- event of medical advici- ii"t U-inj" 
olitainahle, it is as well to write I" Lord 
A\elniry without delay. 

<'"ii> whn oM-icoine hy the efft-ts 

of. In the cax- of extreme ^flidity the 

.i| |-lu ation nf a red-hot (Hiker to the 

affecli'd part often causes the patient to 

r liy li-aps and 


1'andii-s are Uirn in NoveinlxT, for 
what woidd Sagittarius lie witlimit hia 


There are uo scorpions in Kngland 
ce the publication of God'* tlvod Man 
Bat though Uie scorpion is no longer 
indigenous in the British Islea persons 
born under that sign gcnerully manifest 
otne of the limits of that spirited reptile. 
October, in short, in the month of 
npriesln. and all thane liorn in that 
month are reUliators. It is then that 
the must caustic things arc .->aiil, the 
luost pointed uarsgraphtt written. It 
was in Octolier that Mr. ( iil>i*m Bowles 
called Mr. Balfuur's Cabinet the Hotel 
''.:!. and that Mr. WinCim Churchill 
deicribed Sir II. II llaworth as a| 
uth Mandarin. Scorpion* are still 

imported from the tropics every October 
to stimulate the jaded appetites of the 
plutocrats of Park I -aue. Persons suffer- 
ing from chronic lethargy cannot do 
better than try a brace swallowed whole 
with a pinchof cayenne p)>|>|>er. Curried 
"on is much in vogue at the ( Oriental 
and scorpions on tit have com- 
/ ousted angeUon hoi-whack at the 
"rdinalion Liml-th Palace. 

U.oiLJ composed the famous 
in Scorpio. October, IT 

Mr. Winston Churchill trod on the 
tail of Sir J. Crich 
tweed coal October, 1903. 

Mr. Tun Mealy, M.P., born at Net ley. 
October, 1849. 

Mr. Beit called 8corpi< is by 

the Ctei/y N*tt. OrtoUr. 1'JOO. 

Punch's Almanack for 1905. 

Beaux ? In November the infuut George 
Alexander was first put into trousers, and 
Mr. 1 Sobby Spencer first donned a high 
enllar. Mr. (icorge Wyndham's mous- 
tache dates I' rou i a November not too 
long ago, and it was in November that 
Mr. Ma\ Becrbohm first bought a three- 
fold mirror and, like Cortes upon a peak j 
in llaricn, kneu the joy of gii/.ing upon 
tln> back of his distinguished head. It 
was alfo in November a few years ago 
that Mr. Tree appeared as the beau of ', 

It is a curious fact that more persons 
are born within sound of Bow Bells 
in November than in any other month. 
They have generally a tendency to be 
bow-legged, their favourite reading is 
the Quiver, varied by Beaumont and 
Fletcher, and they cannot say Bo! to a 
ionise. All this is due to the malign 
influence of Sagittarius, who, as every- 
body knows, is the patron saint of 'Arrow 

1 1 may be asked by earnest meteorolo- 
gist.-. Why should the month controlled 
by Sagittarius be so confoundedly foggy? 
The answer leaps to the pen. "A. was 
an Archer and shot out a fog," which, 
as Professor Kuno Meyer, in his famous 
monograph on cunot'orm inscriptions 
has c< inclusively established, is the true 
reading of theoldline. When frog civpi 
into the text we can only conjecture, 
probably with the advent of William* the 

The greatest of all the Archers, -not 
even excepting the Worldly William, is 
Cupid. Hence the amatory history of 
the month. It was in November that 
Henry the Eighth tottered for the sixth 
time to the altar. It was in November 
that, Sir Francis Jeune and Brigham 
Young were born. 


Arrowroot puddings introduced into 
England. November, 1541. 

Moior Arquebuses first used in the 
'Arrow Road. November, 1904. 

Mr. Alfred Austin first rhymed 
" quiver " to " river," and " Margate " to 
"target." November, 1855. 

Bulls' Eyes invented by Mr. William 
Archer. November, 18C1. 


It is better to bury the hatchet than to 
draw the long bow. 

Shun Bow Street and you will escape 
the Broad Arrow. 


A widower should not wear mourning 
on the occasion of his re-marriage unless 
ho espouses his deceased wife's sister. 


It is due to the fact that the year 
closes beneath the influence of Capri- 
cornus that all classes become skittish ai 
Christmas. Many responsible public 
men* date their first deviations from 
decorum to the perturbing influence of 
Christmas capers. It was in the fourth 
week of December some sixty years ago 
that Dr. Clifford ate his first mince pie. 
At the same season Mr. Frederic Harrison 
determined some day to become a 
novelist, and to plunge into the \eiii 

seen on Christmas E\c on the summit of 
Cleopatra's Needle. I nder the inebri- 
ating influence of Yule Tide, Mr. Hall 
Came on December ~S>, 1888, sent Miss 
Corelli the present of a Manx kitten, 
with the inscription on the label, "From 
her first Header." 


Captain Kidd began to subscribe to 
the Almanach de Gotha. December 

Death of the Piccadillv Goat. Decem- 
ber, 1893. 


ginous revels of the Byzantine smart set. 
December was also too much for the 
ordinarily cool head of the Leader of the 
Opposition. In a moment of expansion 
he added the suffix Baunerman to his 
name, and has never been the same man 
since. It is only in December that 
Mr. Alfred Austin ever indulges in two 
helpings of turkey, and it was in that 
mouth in 1904 that Mi-. Stead visited 
his first circus. 

In fact the history of Dec-ember is the 
history of desipieuce. Mr. Watts-Dunton, 
for the rest of the year a prisoner at his 
desk, visits the Wandsworth Swimming 
Bath every Boxing-Day. Mr. James 
Bryce, always a fearless climber, may be 

Caper sauce invented by Mr. Benjamin 
Kidd. December, 1880. 

Mr. Chamberlain visits Capri t and 
grows a goatee. December, 1904. 


It would be awful if Christmas came 
twice a year. 

Rich living and Jiigh-jiukiug. 


A very pleasing cordial is that known 
as Liquid Sunburn. To a tablespoonful 
of boiling strawberry jam add a claret- 
glass . of methylated spirits. Light tha 
mixture with a fusee, and sip it through 
a penny whistle. 

Punch's Almanack for 1905. 



^ *" H^-^ ~*jr-~ "" *~~ 

~~ -'^-^ff^^^f ptegaanted by order, " VrtA rgg to 

~^^^f '" liken rmr at intfrnil*." 

^ in aoy form mr pet arersion ; 

1 Am ill. rnuaJt ray medical man. \rnlnt "Nenrea, Dorothea baa brooght a dozen or, two to begin with and proffers 

ehMf, rhaarful aociety, and in four or aay fire yean or sample in mid Channel. Decline 

. i ! a > .." . . " . .' 

3. .' -av. 

oyowwiU probably b* btiter; above ail "don't worry." with thank*. Forlorn hope tj.nt 

AfpMl 10 SfMCMliM. Verdict and 

So * bare packed and pone to Sunnr s ,i,tl, mv wife mainder. 
Dorothea and I-Dorolhe. 
hanker and cooner 

c<k6rroed. Coatoma at Cabin will detain re- m 


4 Dreading farther 
lurUnoa drcaa hurriedly, 
when aoolher knock at door 

iMkedaah far it. and apwt 
my "liaU" 

Wretched night. Ar- 
Avignon 6.30 A.M. Still 

fearful of *?. o 

Dorothea'a coffee, and have 

mine on platform. 


" courier not p r! ' 

S" "P"^- ^ "J qi "* douUtf.,1 
** everything, and afe from raw 



i^s ^^ttzsr-ststa* 

MI.-H .,!! alniut me in f. 

i'V .11 

X weJJ on, 

Punch's Almanack for 1905. 



9. Had enough of quiet. Try Nice. Capital 

Hotel, cheerful society, and as Proprietor has it, 

sicks." Induced by cheerful society to try 

Carnival ; dress up and jog about in correct fashion. 

Meet Dorothea, who objects. 

11. Cash getting 
low, Dolly getting 
desperate leave fur 
Italy. Stay Monte 
C'arlo en route just 
pop into rooms, risk 
i< francs, win and go 
on ; can't lose, win 
a lot, too exciting. 
1'lay again ; closing 
time saves situation. 
Nerves unstrung, but 
purse full. 

10. Objection upheld, Nice adjudged too exciting. Swallow raw egg in 
penance no good. Dorothea asserts authority, so try Cannes. Find happy 
medium, also old yachting friend Never tried yachting do so. Yacht 
seems a size or so too small. However, endeavour to be useful and fail ; 
also get wet and catch cold. 

1 3. Finally leave for 
home. Wonder why 
health much the same ? 
Cash balance, thanks 
to Monte Carlo, as 
good as ever, rather 
better in fact. The 
idea of anyone wishing 
to put down gambling 
at Monte Carlo ! ! 
Absurd ! 

12. Fly over frontier. See plenty of Italian customs. 
Ditto Swiss and German, and little else for nejt few weeks. 

14. In fact rather sorry to be back- 
only ashamedJjpBjso. So is Dorothea. 

I'.S. Regret to find Dorothea has been systematically smuggling, she 
admits it, with glow of honest pride at not having been detected. 

Punch's AlmanacK for 1905. 


Bt II B. JuanJKK, >W. B A 

y former ca- 
pacity of British 
Resident in Me- 

I of course 
i|uently att. : 
.>us Lot 

A : 

cause audience, to split their sides with 
_ oncon troll 

e||cr\ of " Al. ' 

Space ! n Trees." 

The 11 and 

baa a fine soliloquy. He says his name 
signifies " Renowned ]'<*>>. 

liich he i.s as nnpc- 
us aa a churched in.'H-. ' Ills 
i him that, 

iioiihl only inter his luines in this 
spot (formerly the site of Itich Am 
family n will infallibly 

Ilitirii BaHttM 
Ig .M. ii 



xrlf it was a become mighty as a King's Son. Bones 
wonderment that 
all such enter- 
tainments ahould repeat ad nauseam a 
few obsolete nursery fictions that must 
surely be stale as the hills U> 
cultivated English Playgoer! "Why," 
could not help ejaculating, "do 
! ' '-"-. 

btrugglea to wring fresh changes out of 
-ii. 1. trite and effete legends as Wh itt imj- 
'.'ii tind hi* Booted PVM, Jack the Bean- 
Stalker, Goody Glatt-thort and the Beatt 
irif/i the Kin- Heard, <; hue ijenutomnet" 
Are they then ignorant tliat 
art* innumerable stories 
infiniu-ly fn*hcr and lucre 
suitable for I'antoinimical pm 
noses in certain notorious 
Indian literary huri d'n-ucre*? 
Why not dig for such jn-.irl.- 
in the inexhaustible niii 
imr \laltd liliiinitn. lihnjni>i-<i- 
l-niiUia. or even uur (Jaitaim 
yaja RAgatuArali t 

On this I suddenly recol- 
lected a very fine *<i;/.i which, 
when that 1 was a tiny little 
bojr, was frequently recited 
to me by some aunt or other. 
and which might \- plotted 
ut into a rather splendid 
Pantomime. 1 icing aware of 
the proclivities of British 1'ublic for 
thoroughly up-to-date treat in. -nt, 1 took 
tle precaution t<niM-<'rtaiii from F.iiglund 
tile titles dc. of th<- latest jmpular songs, 
in order tu iuu.rjKirutc same in in 

1 luive now tin- IK ir to submit the 

rrnult, which I shall entitle : 




TV opening . fcl,-lial 

; ' ' 

filed. tc'M Imrr the truly imjntimj 

effect). Some ballet-dan. .U\ v 

"f .IpMnutu (or Heavenly Nymphs). 
While they pirouette and borer on aerial 
wires, they are to me! 

' All tl- bilk- ducks po aunc'k .[uack 
quack! And all their little wings go 

To be followed by a lengthy argument 
n a lArtw (or 8k ,nd a 

L'dkfrhata (or enl damtm) as to whether 
Sfcmp-pufca is to experience best < i 
OT the juxk of tn ruble*. 

have been ccnietcred us \i instructions 
but unfortun.. I still tormented 

b\ the I'inch it lie longs for 

death, and sings, "G'iiv me a ti,-l.,: /.. 
Heaven, For Utat ' vhere Dad '* <pnie, 
they MI/.'" 

u there entero a Magnificent 


Procession of l-'.lei.hant.-. Camel>. A. 
(thetf can eiUier be <j< unine </ 'nnit<iti<ni 
article*), conducting Princett G'ii-i/.ti, 
the beauteous and only brut of I 'n.-u, 
the King of tlaga&a. home from a 
journey in a gorpeoubly->_'ililed jialaii- 

l*trii fur llnnble.t 
and /Aiii'vrjr arc ill- 

duet. " Three are 
in/.' ' and i-rfonu 
rather drollish antics. Then the tiieat 
Princely Triim]>cl is heard blowing out- 
side ! "This mii.-l be some Princely 
Suitor! Show him in, and send for 
Princess!" Thi.s is doi.e. $liainju\- 
i in shi-kiiiL-l\ M-edy . 

b\ KIIIL:. Queen, and I'M 
" 5 . r 'at dt'ii't tit '. nell, 

... ain't tin i/ I, 
demands hand of Princess, 
siipcivihousiie-vs at his c! 
by moiw, " U'/m/ i* the me u/ 
.1 ijirl, if the ijirl trmit 
Candha that he may In- 
decapitated for such pre.siimpt ion. King 
replies, ' Pooh ! he is mcrelv a " 

" Ver 'at don't fit yer vrrv well, 

And yer trousers, aim they baggy ! " 

quiu. Sliainj, lx>-jKvjiing fnim U-hind 
u ganihu-trunk, instantly falls a victim 
to tender passion. l'rini>88ion goes out: 
n*olveM that, thougli lie i- 

a poor begg-ar, he \\ ill go to King [and 
request hand of Princess. SUIL', ">'/n- 
it my unhj ijirl, tiiy only tjirl! " 

Change of Sceneriet* to "A Hill on 
which IK the huge eflig>- of a Caiuda 
Bird." It is bedi-ckcd with i-ostly silk.s 
und tuffa in honour of Princess. Here. 
]-rhaps, might be u fake-walking Com 
petition by some Diik'mix ,or ghoulish 
females). Then joyful |>opulaccs enter. 
dancing and cockahooping fur ] 
Princess's n-turn. When they depart. 
.^liniiij eniii- H, irient that 

ours gn<e<lily the " l,al 

: to Niid (iaruda liird. from 
which he pulls off the silk-. Ai . and 

conceals sBine in int. -, ,,| | us 


i.ent 111 A' in./ VUHH'I Pal,,, 


\'au and 1, 

Then I'riiii-'ff (lirikd siy.s she i.-, only 
to wed a Priii. !i that 1 

afford prioeleaa underclothing. At this 

>'/;ji./ H't//, ifhnt '3 the, nlinl 'n 
Uie, vital 'a the, what '* the, tclml 't the. 
u <!/i .Mi.'.-' " and jpulls out of his 
tn 'Users all the stuffs 
he lias stolen from ( iariuhi 
Bird. Kiiii,' is aliout to relent 
luit (Jueen who is inimical 
toSVi.i ' Not so. First 

to achieve xnne mighty 
.Iced or other ! " ,V, altl. 
i onstitutionally by no means 
a valorous, consent-, t. 
form any moderate heroism. 
It appears a Prince of I'nlie- 
- is making war on King. 
Miuiiij is to have an An 
tine, and IKIW and 
arrows. If he drix.-s off I'n- 
belieXiTs. lie is to lie t 
as 01 f the lto\al Family. 

So Shang-gotoa, in s 

of fuilkilles- i.'ets Up Oil 

toji of horse, und rides off with Army, 
to light Unhelic 

Song by ^in'. ii tnin'iim. alter his 
departure, "They'll tx>n in<il;e nn amjel 
of him -IIIKUE !" and dance. . . . 

This is only the beginning 

are much finer episodea to follow ! I mi, 

HI not to IM- conceded anymore 

though perhaps I m.iv In- | . 

to conclude m\ Pantomime in a 

ijiieni i.s.sue. Should llon'ble Sir llaiiy 

lr\niL'. or licerhlioom Tree di-cide, fr 

above SUinple, to produce such a first-class 
novelty. I i over Ir.'iu Calcutta 

Or rather Korea! 1 lo impersonate tht; 
ch.iracier of 8hang-ya*ba in /<r> / ria /, ,- 
<-na. \Vhat offers, Misters? II. B'. .1. 

Punch's Almanack for 1905. 






Punch's AlmanacK for 1905. 

P'VCS v> # 

J<(2/; fjjfVjLV, Jj 

'^JLT*^ ^-."^.u 

- ^-. .. v i* .-> J^.-. <V. ;.- ^^ ^ 


T fe / 

^ r i^> 
^ jftr ^ ^-- 

" V ^ L ffi'^V-"^ 

ib ^K3i 


Punch's Almanack for 1905. 



J /)' 




i MOM Hi ~:i*~ u 

<vorr<fet> ^ 

ME "* KiWHIM f^J 

^^ ^ 



k AV<A 








J! ^S "' 





rS. f.^f 

- ^ -"^ i-^-c sm 


; ^ ,'-'^/- Si 1C A x V-vri^i vj\/x 

< ^f^tf 1 ^^ 
\ T2i^a^^ ^ v * - w^ ^ 







jir 1 









'THE BM-i-" 





Punch's Almanack for 1905. 


.1 \M \l;\ I. I! In;, 


Alien. Cheap Labour. 

/ ml, rliiililiii,! tin,- \'<iliiY 

Wi: Irani Inmi ilic >'io< tlic disquiet- 
ling news that the .Macedonian gipsies 
recently put in an appearance at West 
Hani, " taking up a spot near the parish 
|3hurch, which had been hired in the 

ornin<j liy a foreigner speaking some 

-glish at G<I. a week." 

Taking it Sitting Down. 
THE following notice appears at various 
stations on the District Railway : 




Take Sloe Gin. 

Greek at the Universities. 

THE division of opinion on this ques- 
tion has already had a far-reaching and 
disastrous effect. At Athens, the Govern- 
ment has resigned. 

Through communications corrupt good 

rot ' xxvm. 


lilK l,u.\|>u; N ' II.\KI\ AIM. 


Kiuots inBtrumvut of urban woe, 

(. ! 

Weighing on palsied London h-. 
Then mint be something g< 
Or why does everyone abuse you so? 

You veil the cheeks of beauty, thu 

Hut then 

u slso veil some very ugly n- 
And these sre legion while the fair art- 
And therefore I am much obliged to you. 

Wrapt in your cloak of comfortable dark 


The Alt all spruce with gold, 

And poor Achilles, shivering in the Park, 
Even at ten A.M. escape remark. 

Tit yours to pluck the mighty from his seat 

Win**- car in wont to treat me like a . i. -I. 
Alights on earth to trace his bus's beat, 
Not knowing Charing Cross from Regent Si 

Over the motor-fiend you cast your grim 

Grey spell, 

( '(.timing your equal right of raising h.-II. 
Till on his own account there dawns on him 
A sense of sanctity in life and limb. 

trend is democratic. I have seen 

A lord, 

1 'rivi-n I iv you) to courses lu> alihorr- 
Stand on the Underground, first class. U-tv. 
Two seated segments . if tin- (in-at I'M.. 

Your vogue revives our Si rep lions' dn>ping lyres; 

The skies 

Ring loud to Rura 1 1 \(M;\KI>'S happy cries ; 
You come to town, and In ! i: tires 

" Hack U> tin- Lmd " that rrared it res. 

At Christmas-tidr I i-ouM not wish you In 


Who guv.-, in li.-u of gifts I failed to buy, 
This]fair excuse. I i..- Fog was too, too dense ! " 
Thank you for It saved me much exp- 

And, eating more than I could well digest, 

Good cause for spending Boxing Day in bed, 

Si>;:.. ''. .'.!.: M :- .. : ' 

That fetid Fog has choked me in the chest ! " 

Ergo, I cannot let my feelings chime, 


\\ itli theirs who paint you black as Golliwog ; 
Hut I shall be most pleased at any time 
(When natter fails) to mention you in Hi vine. 

0. S. 

Japanese men-of-war, apparently converted cruisers, 

;/./'. We are asked to state 
these "convi .sers" have imthn.. 

Mr ,n. 


('HM-ir.i; VII. 

Hun- >'(//riij 

I Hike. 

-ss.iry that 1 should tell you the real 

nann :>k of th- manner who MO un- 

.'I himself int" Su \ i \ party. 

Wh> i not r - ll I have already told you. 

' had > proclaimed 

had IMVII brooding iii retirement over hi.-, unfor- 
tunate position, and. without having any definite I'lan, la- 
had made up his mind that In- luu.-t see hi-r again by h>x>k 
or by IT. k. Tin- Cliristmas party offered him a .-plendid 
opportunity, and la- had sei/ed it with tin- lurky n-.-ult 
died in tin- l.i-t i-ha]ili-r. Thf Queen r, without 

knowing why, had tzangely attracted to him. I 1 .. 

the party finally broke up she had askrd liim t,. rail again 
on tin- following day. and to lirin^' with him a: niaU 

to good character that In- mi^ht jKissess. II,- liad only 
two, ono from the captain ol a .shiji in which h.- had formerly 
I, the other from the hereditary (!raml Hutler to the 
King of tin- WiMiWAiii" I>i. \Ms, in whose servii .- a year of his 
adventurous life had been j Kissed. i . hovu-\er, on 

inspix-tion, jnil^ed to I. .imend him for the 

ion of Na\al Blue-Stick-in- Waiting, which happened at 
that moment to lie vacant. To this he had promptly Ix-en 
appointed, and, as his office brought him into dail 
with her Maje.stx. it may l>c supposed that he becanie a fairly 

happy man. One thing alone troubled him : ).> that 

sooner or later he would have to meet his wife , who was, as 1 
need hardly add, Smi.v's mother, and, ;.>r many 

obvious reasons such a meeting could not 1. him 

pleasure- indeed, he ardently desired it the other 

hand it was evident that it i him. a 

practically certain to do, he Vtould ha his 

identity, and thus open the floodgates of a 
crisis the results of which lie sin ! contemplate. At 

present the Queen's mother was laid up with a >e\ere 
bronchial attack, but she might ny day. and then, 

as he said to him-ell'. farewell to peace and hap] 
HUMBUXD, the rightful lint most unwilling King ol 
HiMl.KMMi. Meanwhile- ue will leave him enjoying the 

emoluments of bis office and the society of his daughter, but 

haunted by the terrible possibilities that might at any 
nt overwhelm him and the king.i 

rcely had the Christmas and N< :M-CU 

brought to a eonclu.--ion when a mo>t -even- Ministerial crisis 
broke out in Hinterland. The parly at this lime in ) 
hail, if we may trust the ailthori.-ed hi- ;-ied 

their mandate. Their sup, ;- flared them to l,a\c 

. absolutely imjiaralleled ben.-lit- on the j<-o]ile; 
their Opponent j'lal a--nrance ileiioimceil them 

ues and ini]K>sloi-.s \\lio had ur of 

the country in the dirt and had rednc- ,-rity 

to the verge of bankruptcy. 15e that as it may, the\ 
been d.-feated on a vote of confidence, and \: 
Mini-' .ug with his coll. 

compelled to adwsc the Queen |. , ih.- leader of tin- 

Opposition, and t.. entni-t i,> him the formation of a new 

r \ . 

" Your Majesty will t-lieve me," he said at the int.-r\iew 
which had been grante<l to him for this purpose, "wh.-n I 
say that I shall al. ler it my proudest pi, 

held office when your Maj. the 


"<'h." Klid SVI.NM, "I eouldn't help coming to it 

^ irere \ery kind aUnit it, and I shall 

never forg. t n I 'v c wanted to know for some tune what it 



.(AM via I, 1905.] 




[" And may I, Sir, in presenting to you this handsome casket on behalf of MY PEOPLE, venture to reiterate the hope that, inspired by this 
token of our esteem, you may succeed in approximating more nearly to the Birmingham standard of gentlemanly behaviour one which is as 
exacting as it is peculiar." Extract from Improbable Report.} 

felt like to make somebody a Duke, and I 'm going to do it 
now. One, two, three are you ready?" 

" Your Majesty is too good," murmured the statesman in 
some natural confusion. 

" Not a bit of it," said the Queen. " I like doing it awfully. 
Bang ! Now you're a Duke," and she laughed very heartily. 

"Your Majesty will no doubt give directions to the officials 
to make out the patent," said the ex-Minister, who was not 
sure that this playfully conferred Dukedom might not, after 
all. escape him through some informality. 

li >liall he done," said the Queen. "And what have I 
got to do now?" . 

Tlic new Duke informed her that in accordance with, 
constitutional usage she would do well to send for the leader 
of the Opposition. 

" But," said SYLVIA, " I don't like him." 

"I 'own," said the Duke with a smile, "that I am not 
myself passionately attached to him ; but may I ask, with all 
deference, what are the reasons of your Majesty's dislike? " 

"I'll tell you," said SYLVIA. "He has bandy legs and a 
very large wart right in the middle of his nose. His legs 1 
could forgive, hut the wart simply drives me mad. I always 
think," she added, settling herself comfortably in her'throne, 
"that a man with a wart on his nose might do anything. 
How do you know lie doesn't, flog his dog or his wife, or pull 
wines off flies ? That would never do in a Prime Minister, 
you know." 

"The books of the Constitution," replied the Duke, not 
without embarrassment, "are silent on the subject of warts. 
It is true that the leader of the Opposition is afflicted with a 

large one, but, bitterly as I am opposed to his political princi- 
ples, I am forced to own that in his private life he behaves 
not otherwise than becomes a gentleman. I fear, Madam, I 
cannot give you any advice except to send for him and direct 
him to form a Ministry." 

" Oh dear, oh dear," sighed the Queen, " is there no way 
out of it ? " 

" None, your Majesty," said the Duke impressively. 

"Oh, very well then," said the Queen, "if I must I must. 
But it 's no good thinking I shall get any pleasure from it, 
because I shan't." 

" Your Majesty is much to be pitied," said the Duke, as he 
bowed himself to the door. 

" Now I wonder if he meant to be sarcastic," thought 
SYLVIA when she was left alone. " If he did it wasn't nice of 
him directly after he got made a Duke." 

However, she resigned herself to the wart, and shortly 
afterwards sent for the gentleman who owned it. 

A Ducal Atavism. 

IN Part III. of Mr. PERCY MACQUOID'S History of English 
Ftirnilnir is an illustration of an old " Day Bed, Property of 
the Duke of DKVONSIIIKI:." This discovery goes Car to explain 
a certain phase of the present Duke's character; he is un- 
doubtedly a victim of the awful forces of heredity. 

lii:iL\i (!\MK IN XOKTHI Miii:m.Asi>. - Unlimited loup. 


1TN< II. n|j TIIK l.nNlx'N CH.MM VAIII. 

,I\M M:Y 4, 1005. 

.. -..,-, taking MI tin- unfortunate marriage. 
LIFE'S LITTLE DIFFICULTIES. \Y|,,. M Knghsh noblemen man 

ill.' t-liTt;> t 





; ' 

aware, our friend ami neighbour, bird 


of wr< 

. ' naddil n 1 

any little gift which we may individually 
- ne general token of 

i our desire as a com- to aee a 

girl.- it i.- the duty 

rather than or. iding pn 

:io countenance 

remember poor l-idy Ci I MIIKII ! \ividlv. Any present that I 

may feel di-1-os.-d to make will take an 

u. or I may |>--ibl 

Your- -incerely. 


,./// l-',-rii. 

MY PEAIi I was great l\ 

distressed to tind that your attitude to 

Lord CU:HBKR'S nt is so hostile. 

in MMU- |H-rha]is natural dislike 

nuinity for his liappinen would ! timely 

and welcome. I write to you. as to - 

others ''- s i" the 

to ask for yoiir <>- 

operation in this little scheme, and for 

\iews aa to the shape which the 

testimonial should take. My own idea 

in tin' l.i'-- I-idy 

Cu MBER'S place, you have IMVII 1 

-light error. You say a dancing- 
girl," luit 1 understand that Miss H\NI;IK 
spoke quite a number of words in tin- 
last play at I think i the < laiety Theatre, 
and v warmly praised for her 

imaginative treatment of the part by 

r plate U'neath the dial 
If-li, \. Your- iiirdinlly. 

\Yu-sox LM;< 


.Vr. Jack 1'tjkr-l.untin t th. 

with a suitable ins-Tip some of the leading critics. In air 

I doubt if we ought to condemn dancing 
/mi dancing. \Ve have all danced a 
little in our time 1 used. 1 remember. 
t.i IN- singularly happy in Sir !.' 
and Miss HAM.IJ: may be a very worthy 
person in spite of her calling. It is 
enough for me that I/ird CUMBER has 
chosen her. 

I am, dear Lady FERX. 

Yours cordially. 

Wll.-'N L\I:I.K. 

DEAR LIHUK. If by timepiece you 
-I k. I 'm on. Of course old 
has clocks to burn, but wedding 
presents don't count. It's the thought 
behind them. Put me down for a 
sovereign, and if I can help you by 
baying the clock when I go to town next. 
I will do HO gladly. Hut you must give 
me all instructions very clearly. 

Yours. .1. I'vKK-I.i vnx. 

r.tlloic I" tin- /.Vr. Wilson 

IKUt MB. LvWiK. -Your news has 
made me a new woman. I have been 
MI ill with rheumatism and general 
depression for so long, but the thought 
that dear Int CUMBER is again to be 
made happy has brightened 
minute sim your letter came. I like 
i.ii of the cl.-k how very cle\.-r 
of you ' Such unsuitable presents are 
often given on these, to me, sacred occa- 
sions, such even aa spirit flasks and 
other unpleasantly material things. Hut 
of course you, with your views on tem- 
perance, would not have permitted any- 
thing like that. I enclose a cheij 

Yours sincerely and gratefully, 
KLLKS < ' 


; .lined 
he interest you are 



l>\f In tin' /iVr. \\"<lxon 
/>! );/(. 

\\'^ A very good notion. 
but a dock is too dull. HIKWK. won't 
care for a clock at all ; not unless she 's 
very different from what she used to be. 
A motor coat would lie much more in 
her line, or a tasty fan. I saw some 
beauties the other day in Hond Street. 
It's rather a joke for her to catch 
CLUMBER; and a good deal of a change 
for him after the late Lidy ('. I endie 
a cheque for two |iunds any way. 

Yours truly, AVTHOXY l'i\. 


Mr*. Harrison l\'*>l In //<' Ifi-i: \\ ilinn 

DEAR MB. LAIU;E, I cannot lind that 
anyone slaying in this Pen-ion knows 
Miss HAGGLE'S name, although there are 
several ladies who seem to be ardent 

playgoers. Hut )K-rhaps she has only 
just appeare<l in I>m<lon. Mr. HESSOS, 
i I know slight!), is always pro- 
ducing wonderful new Shakspearian 
iigincMiss litv'.i t to In- 
t what an odd nan..- ' 

.Wr. // I,, < \ i/*on 


I'I.M: I.M.-I.I. I tliink your idea a good 
one. and I shall IM- glad to join. Hut is 
not a clock a r.ttlirr unimaginative 

'.' It alwavs se.'in- to mi- that 
in^iitlicient thought U given !< 
matter-. I have put down a few articli-s 
which my wife and I i-on-ider more 
suitable and original. !' 

r- -iiicen-l>, 
HolIM I Sl'MtllOW. 

:ding Lmi]>. 
Devolving Hik case. 

Coinjilele set of Kl -MS. 

After-dinner < 'offi 

I'.S. Mi- : '-\ and m\.-elf have 

derived more comfort from a 
than any other of our very 
numerous wedding pr--i-nt~. II - 


Mix '.ir-lt-lli.- //.'-. \\ ',lsoti 


I'I.M: Mlt. l.ui'.K Wi- think it such a 
charming idea of yours, and shall 1-e 
delighted I" a->i-t. My mother is in 
favour of a butterdish, but the clock 
to me an admirable thought. 
\Yhat could Ite prettier than a reminder 
such as tliis that another hour of : 
neaahas passed, and that so many friends 
have good wishe- for the new life ! As I 
tell mother. >lie can give the butter-dish 
independently, if you think that our one 
visit to ( 'lumber Towers, on t: 
of the Missionary Helper-' I'mon annual 
fete, a sufficient ground. Meanwhile 1 

a postal order for a pound, and 
remain yours sincerely. KKHI POII.\IU>. 



Mr*. II" 


I I in 
Yours sincerely. 

|)I:M: Mi:-. I,'-"M. I am happy to U' 
able to tell you that everything is in 
train for the wedding pre>ent for Ird 
CMMIIKH. Mr. l'Mvi:-l.i MIS has \ery 
kindly arranged to buy the clock in 
Ixmdon. in a shop* in Bond Stn-et where 
I 8BW them, and to arrange for a suit- 
able inscription. The Tnllfr which \oii 
s<-n<l me is \i-r\ interesting. Mi-> 
r>\ ha- certainly a very charming 

fare, but it -eems to me to Uiriler too 

much on familiarity to call her plain 
"Hnii'ti:" iindernealh. Lord < 'i.rilRER 
can hardly like that. Still, it is not for 
me to sit in judgment. Ilelievrin. 
Mr- l.'i'l. Your- cordially. 

\Yii.-o\ LMICE. 


.Vr. .In'-!; I'likf-l.iDitiii In tlii- 
/I'M'. U ilmill I.'IIIJ'-. 

1 >t U I am sorry to sa\ that 

the fog \e-terday was t-> much for me. 
altogether, and made it im|M)ssible to 



aid /-Viniifi- Worsell (iclio is experimenting icitk unemployed from London). "Now THEN, YOUNO FEI.I.ER, 'ow i.oxo ARE YOU COIN' TO BE 


get to Bond Street. But I managed to 
struggle as far as I he Stores, and I 
think you will be delighted with what 
I managed to secure a real bargain. 
They had no clocks worth anything, and 
so I hopped on to this a first-class 
Tantalus. It is being engraved to-day, 
and should reach you to-morrow. I 
know old Ci.i M will appreciate that, and 
he 's got clocks enough already to tick 
his head off. Yours sincerely, 



[Dedicated to Mrs. PRAOA, who has written a 
book showing how to keep an elegant house on 
200 a year.] 

ONCE upon a time my MABKI. 

Cooked me plain and homely fare ; 
Simple beef adorned my table, 

Simple cabbage too was there; 
Here was salt and here was mustard, 
Here a glass or two of custard 

Round the roasted apples clustered 
Otherwise the board was bare. 

But the ancient order ended 

When by melancholy chance 
On a little tome descended 

Mistress MABEL'S eager glance. 
Straightway dawned another aeon : 
MABEL vowed that she would see an 
End of everything plebeian 
Now we aim at elegance. 

Knives and forks and glasses glitter 

Round a centre of sateen, 
And, instead of vulgar bitter, 

Claret (name unknown) is seen. 
LIZZIE then, the porter's daughter, 
Brings the puree MABEL'S taught her 
So to call the cabbage-water 

Ladled from the soup-tureen. 

After this, in silver dishes, 
Enter bits of skin and bone, 

Mixed with heads and tails of fishes 
With a flavour all their own. 

Patent jellies, round and hollow, 
Filled with custard powder, follow 
Jellies which are hard to swallow, 
Though they lend the feast a tone. 

Finger-bowls then LIZZIE places 
On their doylies fringed with dirt, 

Manufactured out of laces 

Which were once an evening skirt. 

Coffee essence so the label 

Calls the mixture decks the table ; 

Thus does providential MABEL 
Strive to give us our dessert. 

When the pinch of hunger wakes me 

Just as I begin_to snore, 
When a longing overtakes me 

For the vulgar meals of yore ; 
When I lie there, faint and di//.\ , 
Still 1 hear the luckless LI/ZY 
Toiling in the kitchen, busy 

Washing up for evermore. 

I'l N< 11. 

TIIK I.<M><>.\ I'H.MMX MM. 

I ! 


K hen!" cried the Genius of Miern Pantomime, 

; in D t : 

possible, bigger and luugei and mot,- glittering 

. ;. . : i ' an . . 

; tin-in, if that 's 

\ ou ask ? " 

IT opinion," said the tic lias been made upon Me ' What 
do you -ic of a certain London morning journal 

has been writing alxun the latest production at I'rnn 
Lane? Oil. T children and ' v ulg., 

he amount of money that 'a been lavished on 

"After all," said Mr. I'utuA, taking refuge in platitude, 

igarity ia very mm of taste, isn t it ? " 

s quite alone iu his opinions, Sir," said the < ,,-iin. 
the other papers have been unanimous in a ci niiaes." 

-.nd .Ur. 1'iiHfli. 

Pantomime has became one of those tine old Hriti-h institu- 
tions which it is considered almost n: 

5r! Why. Thf \\'l 

h*S been written expressly /<>r children, i- in every particular 
fit for them, and there's nothing whatever in it especially 
now that all the passages objected t., have been cut out to 
injure them, mentally - morally ! " 

"That," said .Vr. 1'unrli, " in a piece written expn--slv for 
children, may surely be taken for gran 1 

"Perhaps you've seen it for yourself ?" theGoniusinquind. 
.'hen 1 '11 just ask you tin- ijueMion is it fit 
for children, or is it not ? " 

"In my opinion," wa* the judicial answer, "it is every 
bit as suitable for them as any of its predecessors for some 
years past, if that 's any comfort to you." 

"1 knew you would lie on my side !" said the Genius. 
" And 1 suppose you had some children with you? . . . 
I thought as much. Well, did nnv of tlifm see anything at 
all objectionable in 

never yet met the child who il'ul nee anything objiv- 
tionable in a Pantomime," said .Vr. I'um-li, "and 1 'm not at 
all sure that 1 want t... Still. I gather thnt you wi-l 
!- quite candid?' 

i f course, of ct.ur-c ' " -aid the ( ieiiiux. 

Ur. I'mirli continued, " it - a re detail, I know, 

but I don't altogether see why in a written expr. 
children, you know it should be essential to represent the 
Good Fairy as not only elderly, hut partially liald." 

" Partial baldness in female characters i- always considered 
a highly humorous make-up, in the Halls." said the Genius. 
" And, as the part of a Female Fairy is naturally allotted t,, a 
leading music-hall comedian " 

"That account* f,, r it. of course," said .Vr. /W-/i. " Hut 
why reduce the Fairy to earn her living as a Barm.,. 
lodging-house keeper? Not a particularly brilliant flight 
of fancy, i- 

"You must give a .nice to work in his 

wheeaes somehow," aaid the < >i going 

to get in any 1 

"I see," aaid " \ .r theory is that the 

sort of humour that most appeals to the average child mind 
consists in alluvions to 6sh-*Udls, having the link. 
tripe pudding*, and quur 

"There'll >n it, anyhow." said the Genius; 

whether ' they laugh 

''-.. ' 

, them 

ll ID*] I"' a little l.i' ilainly.' a^nxil Mr 1'inn-li. 

i. \oii kmm. ud jokes which are inolTen-i\i> 

.,h in a music-hall mayn't ;dvva\> U- ju-t the tiling 
for : !i ? I !ir another Huhji-ct. 

yoii'\c lirou^ht in a KIK! many ci -iiat aren't in 

the haxeift \ mi ? Tlir i.inh, for 

6 " said the (I'eniu imt in 

every Pantomime. And tin- char , i- not only 

comic Imt in-truciive th.-r.- you have him, gradually evolving, 
according to the Darwinian lhe.r\. from an ,i|,e riulit u| 
man of the world. 1'idn't ii ,-tnki 'iily 

funny scene where he'd K(,I to tl . .,,, idiot ju-t alile 

l,,i lii- il'i.iU lindl.i'K. ili,- 

- that it did," replied .Ur. I'mirli , " Imt of i 
-o loiiy ,i- it amuses the children 

"Well, there's I'llji'l,! he'- lil'oli-ht ill I,.,. V,.|| ,;il,'l 

deny that / 'lanicter ' 

" ll i- very |,reltily played, at all event-. Hut perl 
in a piece written for children it v.a- not ah-olutely 

necessary to give '';,;,/ such cynical line- a IN, ut the durability 
of love after marriage." 

"Oh, if yon !> Ke so particular as all that !" said 

the (icnin- hutnly. " Hut ,/,, on. Anything / that struck 

.-amiss? I shall be reify obliged if you '11 mention it." 

" Well, as to the l'r< now," Ix^an .Ur. I'um-li, 

" the U'/ii/- <'<it of the st 

"Come, you can't have any fault to find with her. I should 
hope ! " said the ( lenius. 

"Not with the lady who played the part, certainly." said 
Mr. I'mirli. "She did the little she hail to do most charm 
inxly. Hut why isn't she turned inlo a M'/iiiV < '<it in the 

^he is, Sir," said the Oleums ; "yofl can't have IN^-H 
atteniling! " 

"I lieg your pardon," said Mr. /' ;///. "she merely wears 
a sort of toque in the shape of a \l'/i/c I'ni'x beta m,,-t 
becoining, I admit hut it entirely de-troys the point of the 

"What does that matter in a Pantomime'.-'" said the 
(ienius. "You r.niV ask a principal lady t<i pi through a 
whole scene with her face hidden under a great ma-k. ju-t 
for the sake of sticking to th, in you now ? " 

" I should have thought you mi^'hl in a jiiis-e written 
erpressly for childn-n," said .Vr. I'mirli, " iH-cau-i-. von 

the ^n-at scene in tl riyinal story i- where the /', 

ha- to cut off the \\liiti- t'nt'x head liefore she i:ti, liir-ome 
a Princess again. Hut, of course, all that had to U- left 

"You inll-t leave out ft good deal of the story." said the 
(ieiiin-, "or how would von find time for all the magnificent 
spectacles and processions and Lall. t-? Why. the pi<ve 
plays well over four hours as r 

"Perhaps the children mightn't mind a little leas magni 

if they were ( little more of tin 

suggested .Ur I'mii-li. 

"Thfy mightn't.' said the (ienin-. " l.ut the grown-ups 
would ! " 

And that, as .Ur. 1'inn-lt recogui-iMl at once, would have 
U-en ,|int.- fatal to the fortune- ,,f any pi.^-e uritlen e\pr, 

for the children. ]'. A. 

More Commercial Candour, 
u a traile 

Prmcliral Cml.r. . tomers to have tin' 

nil! tin,) lliat tl,.- j, r ,,-. i rliiirRi-,] will 

S,T,( m r^ lr * ble compuiwn with UIOM uuUy charged for WorUileM 

JAM UW I. 11)05.] 



IhlM'Y and light till' touch of V|o|.i;i 
On the familiar ke\ -, 

The keys. re>pon>i\e In her e\ery 

Klated, when she feels tint life is 


And yet. depressed lor notice, if yon 

Tntil depressed, no music shall you get. 

So light, so light the touch, her lingers 

The deep, still pml of sound, 

As 'twere the fleeting breath of 

summer bree/e ; 
Vet firm as some prehensile chiin- 

Grasp of the branch on which his tail 

is wound, 
And pliant, too, like Mr. R-I.F-R'S will. 

Often liy crescendential chords she 

Or makes the spinet sing 

I >f I >y gone youth, dead hopes, and 

last year's rose; 

Tears dim the spectacles upon my 

For, when .1/1 c plays, " A Little Bit of 


Sounds sweetly solemn as cathedral 

Methinks, if he were sitting by my side 
The elephant, who gave 

These tusks that sing and laugh, or 

moan and wail, 

As she commands that his expres- 
sive tail 
And vocal trunk would warrant him 

her slave, 
Thrice happy for her service to have died. 


FTheBilhopoi l,oM>xhas just published his 
lialanrc sheet, iini! Mr. 1'nm-li has j_<rcal, jilcaHiiv 
ill publishing a little correspondence on the 

Silt. I have Keen much interested by 
the dear Bishop's balance sheet, and 
cannot help thinking that he may like a 
few hints from an old housekeeper. 

I see that more than .! I .(MX) a year is 
spent on food, fruit, Ac. Now this 
seems a great deal. If the Bishop were 
to do his marketing liinixt'lf and carry 
home his purchases, he would, I am 
sure, reduce his expenditure by more 
than half. / luioir tli'ix In !>,< x<>. Also, 
he should not have books at any of the 
shops. !> I everything be paid for 
when it is ordered. If his lordship will 
take care of the pence in this way the 
pounds will lake rare of themselves. 

I should be very pleased to show the 
Bishop my housekeeping system any 
afternoon. I am generally in at tea- 
time. Yours. Ac., 



<.'i'irl (to Curate, who is imitlng for liix hoxlemi). " DON'T Tnrcii ANYTIIIXI; WHILE I'M 

Si:;. After reading through the 
Bishop's balance sheet it struck me that 
much more might be done to make 
Fiilham Palace and London House 
centres of the home life of Londoners. 

It M-ems a pity that more is not done 
in the way of entertaining by the 
Bishop. For instance, the busiest man 
has a spare hour sometimes, when a 
chat with his Bishop or a game of 
skittles with him would be a great 
pleasure and something to Iwk forward 
to in business hours. Again, our wives 
and daughters would find it very useful 
to have some quiet place where they 
might rest after their shopping expedi- 
tions, and leave parcels, umbrellas, &c., 
to be picked up on the way home. In 
this way the Bishop would learn infi- 
nitely more of the personal tastes and 

views of the people in his charge than is 
possible under the present system. 

1 am quite sure that if these sugges- 
tions were adopted we should hear no 
more of Disestablishment. 

Yours, Ac., PiiAcnoAL. 

Sn;, 1 noticed with deep pain one 
item in the balance sheet recently pub- 
lished by the Bishop of LONDON. 

The eighteenth entry is as follows : 
" Hire of four horses in constant 

use 210." 

Will his Lordship tell us when these 
poor dumb creatures have any rest? I 
am sending a copy of this letter to the 
R.S.P.C.A., who will, I know, take the 
matter up immediately. 

Yours, &c., 


I'l \. II. .|: TIIK I.MNhnN rllARlV.MM. 

JlOR u:\ I. 1 


Squire'* Daughter r* \\'iff, vho mfrn from rlinmie rkeumnl'mmY " H t TK ToC ETC* TtlKD SvnHStt M 

Vr. flroir HEARD SAY FT BK VMY OOOO K> THE Kill' MtT|. '. Ml<s ; l:i I r. IMIN'I II IV THESE FAIil 


. reading Mr. Ikiihiur VIVIAN'- "stink" of Mr 
( HlUMEBI-il* ill a |. |. i!..r MMJ.I.' 

\VllKS \Voi.-i >. in :i rrli-linili-d r-l^x-li. 

lti! i 'IHIMWI:I.I. " flitiK away ainhition." 

!-.' it his iiii.-ntii.ii ,-li 

Tin- iliKnlviinla^-s i >( lii^h ] ; 

. ili.ii in f 
Tin- uplmdouro nf :i Mi 

My i'\vn inipri^sHion is. in \Vni.-i 

In npiti- of and heacUnuin and tin- n->t i.f it. 
> liiid a way 

-; i" K''t ' ' it, 

Wli \lioi|.-;dt willi iiii-ii nf iinti- 

H;nl I" 1 fill what In- \> 

Hut now lli ti 1 ..iiiol. 

'I'll.- " iii*,|.Mic<- .f oili. iu face, 

n ntly 

.Id li"l f": 


! Mild 


.|.il> r.ill i.. niiii'i 
. ..nth tliry kni-w ynii intiinat 

Thi-- t"iirliiii^ fart they li;i<!i-n I. 
In a f..nniiiiiii< alicin In il,.- Praia. 

.1irM> in a |>hiyfiil pani^niph n l.ul- 

Tin- likeness that his infant f.- ; n 
Hlfliws s:i\> In- n.el yon jn 

ToMI'MNs ileclare> his nni'le livi-il i:-\l dimr I" x 
SMIIH tellr. IMIW mii-e he M-V.. 
And hnw yon an>\MTed that you didn't kiii.w. 

l'".ai-h rlianee ai-i|iiaintaiiee r!se> like a 

mined t> e.\|.l<.il this kind of kimul. 
The duller wlmni ymi ilvd to kick at sell. 

The Iwire you resolutely cut at {.<{. 
A hundred |.e [ le wlmni yon ni'Ver knew 
I'r'i-laini that they have not forgotten 

Sneh are the dire fODCODliUintfi of Fame 

At this de|.i. r,,Kl of our history. 

Hut uh\ ui- print >uch Ir.i.-h or read th.- siine 
If we I|M reai I it I IB to me a m\ stery. 

what the ( !re:it endure, 
II c onleiitedlv remain ol.-eiire. 

The Toriff Reformer's Catechism. 
A. Hi VMV-. 

PUNCH, <n; THE LONDON CIIAKI VAKI. Jjurojunr 4, 1905. 



JANUARY 4, 1905.] 




TITE CZAR has issued a Decree insisting 
on autocracy. ;m<l coiiM-nting to only a 
few minor reforms. He is said to be 
acting on the advice of his infant son. 

The Russian Government is so often 
accused of lacking a sense of justice, 
that it is only fair to point out that, as 
soon as proof of the escape of M. DE 
PI.EHVE'S murderer was satisfactorily 
established, the sentences on the two 
men found ^nilu of the crime were 
reduced In I 1 and ID years' imprison- 
ment replied ively. 

For a wager of :.' a Lambeth labourer 
ate twenty mince-pies in ten minutes in 
a local public-house. This is likely to 
lead to trouble, as it is quicker work 
than the Trades Union regulations allow. 

A gentleman has written to the Daily 
Mn'il to complain that two letters which 
he posted on the Saturday before Christ- 
inas, and which "obviously contained 
Christinas cards," were not delivered at 
Si real ham till al'ter the event. It is 
rumoured thai the Postmaster-General has 
apologised, explaining that, owing to the 
rush of work at that time, he mistook 
the letters lor business communications. 

Alter appearing as Santa Glaus to 
L'.DDD children in Zion City, I)r. Down: 
removed hir, disguise, and pointed out 
that there was no such person as Santa 
Clans. A more welcome announcement 
would have IHVII that there is no such 
person as ])r. ]>o\\ IK. 

It is credibly reported from the 
Carmelite Quarter that owing to the 
list motions of Christmas no newspapers 
hanged hands during the last week of 

An interesting letter, written almost 
in i rely in unintelligible slang by one 
risoner to another, has been published. 

la this the beginning of the much-talked- 

)f revival of Gaolic? 

In an interesting, eulogistic article on 
he work of Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS (from 
he pen of Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS) pub- 
ished in the Express last week, there 
s a paragraph which confirms a sus- 
'icion we had long entertained. "Next 
o the spectacular portion of the panto- 
oime," says the writer, "comes the 
ll-important one of fun, and, if any- 
king, ili'i* is more ilifliculf in 

' il " 

nin ih'' 


(Pint of January.) 


The recent fogs are said to have 
ost London shippers and merchants 
-10,000,000. Many people question 
rhether they were worth the money. 

The chief War news of any importance 
is that the Japanese have determined to 
help Admiral RO.JDESTVENSKY in his search 
for their ships. 

Professor SEWABD, of Stanford Univer- 
sity, questions the value to Americans of 
the Rhodes scholarships. His country- 
men, he declares, have nothing to learn 
from England. Four hundred under- 
graduates of Columbia University, in a 
hunt after a Freshman last week, broke 
innumerable windows in New York, and 
destroyed the railings of a subway station. 

India is described by an enthusiastic 
road-hog as "A Paradise for Motorists." 
Nothing is said about the natives, but it 
is understood that, if need arise, no 
difficulty will be put in the way of their 
translation to a Paradise of their own. 

The great " h " difficulty which has 
for so long troubled civic orators has 
apparently been solved. At a recent 
City dinner the experiment of printed 
speeches was tried with success. 

A gentleman has written to the Press 
to say that the question in algebra set at 
a recent examination for cavalry officers 
and quoted as absurdly difficult is in no 
way unreasonable, for it has been solved 
at the first attempt by a six-year-old 
schoolgirl. But our recollection is that 
all that was said was that it was 
absurdly difficult for cavalry candidates. 

War against Waistcoats having been 
declared by the headmaster of Kingston 
Grammar School, a strong committee of 
defence is to be formed at once, with the 
Marquis of ANGLESEY at its head. 


PUNCH, "K THK l.'tMH.N < 1IAK1\ AIM. 

.Us. MO I. 1 


! - . . .- 

off dotr u> pUy f<x 

D, wa last : 

: ; . . ' ' : 


at home, as w 


. _ ... .. . . 

This, no doubt, has 
Uhrision (i 
at the time 
WilWden Wander 


o la* Bmfntf, H\ thai "one 

Urar number of mm arc cllowed 


.. . , .. 
by the remains of a -inn]- 

; nve of pa|NT 

a-t tin- burglary t 


\ , knit; ii|> Sup] : i' 

ml a .I'. 

A M. mler .f Parliament or ' n accepting 

ii,.ni Iln: . II. ' a -lolly (iood Kid 

i 'laiiierini; " Fur We 

A ond' Banquet} " For She ' aal 

. .r any other appropriate iiumo- 
sylL' ev Make '. 

An I'udertaker '' /goose) "F..r Hf 's a 

'ill Reminder." 

\V.. II.IM. i.. confess iliut the rest of ihe encomium, lirfore 
lli.' linal.- " \Vhii-l. deny," remain- >et 1 




i : ' ' - : 

,.: ' . t 


Hi// . 

The recall of the match \- 
erers 2 goals all. 


i\lf that they did not consult an 
i to enter the 
W Allow last iii^'ht. As it 
had no match on Thursday this 
week, and I'.C s AI-W- and CHUM: the latter i>erh 
finest centre-forward in the Metropolitan I'ol nahled 

to effect an easy captun U-lieve. used to 

i gtttl for Harry IWk I'nited, and it is hoped at 
d Yard that when he ha- -crved his 'ie will 

join tin- Force, to which he should I* 1 a great acquisition. 

HO\IO\ SHOOTING Amav. At ;i late hour last nij?ht, as 
JAMES WltBOX, a railway ]-irter. was ivturninn home, he 
heard six revolver shots in rapid snoccs-sion. followed by a 
woman'- d.->pairinx cry of Murder' l'ol With 

admirable pr. mind. WII.-A. after cmiMiltm. 

which fortunately he was carrying . ran loth.. 
isiial-' Football (iroimd. where the First and the 
' teams of the Y liivisi.m ^t-d in a friendly 

mutch. In liiw than an hour's tii .-n from each 

team had changed into uniform, and with commendable 
promptitude proo-odcd ill once to the weue of the outrage. 
>o signs of the murderer or his unhappy victim could ! 
discovered, but fuller detail- and a sketch of the plucky 
will U> found in our late edition. 



A comnonorr of a morning ).a|x-r complains that he 
:..-ard the : How." 

and aaks if there is a Hecond. " I nder wluit cm - 
conunenta a contemp in, a headma-ier. an 

undertaker or an arch) jolly K 1 *"' fdlou ' 

U hat we really want , ^ of our national 

habit of familiarity with some slight 

. . ,-:. i ' \Ve subjoin a I 

variations of our national pemn > to ! 

accordance with the standing' and ante. 

A 1 

holders, with ezceptions)- 

n>re friei. 

lies, when lile vvilh i'- worry a)i)iear8 
l.ut a valli'y of imulili- and : 
\Vln-n llir .-mi is a shallow and day is as ni^'ht. 
\Vhi-n i-viTvlliin^ 's \vronx and when nothing is rixht 
iKm't sit down and \\-\< at \<>nr I'itifnl lot. 
Hut send off at once for Tin- Houttwift't \\'lnil'x \\li<il.' 
And thus may you end, just as soon as you ear. 
The infinite natural shocks ili'sh is heir to. 

'.ere you will linil all the W.K'S that a 
\Viih their mres. in a long alphabetical li-t 

; wrinkles, which hasten miniliili- </. 
To smooth from your liroxv all those lines which alllict you 

If an Accident ha]'|>eiis, a- hai>|>i-ii it may. 
You have nothing to ilo l.ul to look under A ; 
1- I'.utier-i-oieli wanted or Hiack-currant t. 
For excellent reci|>es look under H ; 
I'nder <' yi>u will lind in this wonderful liook 
How to blow out a Candle or blow up a < 'ook ; 
1'iider 1 there are hints for the feminine 
On the checking of 1 transits ;m d the 1 (rafting of che(|il 
While Ivitin^,' one scarce i- astonished to 
liiclude<l with Kverythiiij,' \''.\^>- under I. 

\e\t follow remarks about Feathers and !'. 

And how to Ix-have when a I ientleliia. 

With much iufoimation on Halibut. Hams. 

Ionian Island-, -lute, .lellies and .lams. 

Kale. Ketchup and Kidneys, Ki l\'-\-:ind Knivi 

Limps. l>illipop-, Lird and insurance of I. 

I'mK-r Medicine you '11 lind mytholo^iral 1. .re 

probably never have he.ird of U 
I-'or though it would doiibtles.s (K^llt to moM men 
Th..- . d^ia should coinr nude, 

1 think it unlikely that many will know- 
That th. : Medici in-, \\lio lived IOUK a>{o, 
\\'.i~ (.ill. nd 

i inters, I'. - and I'ails, 

- .nday and IJuails. 

Wlial to do when a Iviiuavvay (lain leavi--. lh'- Ksils. 
How to brand. -r a Steak, cut a Skirl. Shop at Side-. 

.1 Train. < .r coiicn-t little Tale-, 
to IMIIJJ up the kitchen I'tensil- on nails, 
. .iiiiri- of Vinegar. Vermin and Veils. 
\V;, -. Whi-kv. \Vel-h ;abbit- and Whal.-s. 

'..n't lei it trouble von 
..U find that the list ends abruptly at W. 

but little r.-niain- to U- said 
My t i .ir>-' landed at.X. Y and 7.. 

.IANTARY 4, 1905.] 




i-i \, H m: TIIK LONDON <num \i;i 

1. I 


"- - 


A I'llul'MKTIf VYI-.I. 

fit KM been annommed thit the '/'..- will 
hortlT publuh the fragment o( an unpublished 

: - 

lo the eserciw of Out intelligent 

far which b* aM long 

in abb t<> prenot hi* reader* with eone 

oaaracttrittic extncu fix.i nuely 

-.-.-.- : - 

which f*Uy bear out Lord Bun*' > 
ution for political pracMtiee.] 

14 ST. JOHOH, then 
naturally of a gay . 
ineot, bad a high BOW f dir 

:!.:. I... . . 

- . . . 

the hat touch to hi* caamunmato toilette, 

.'.-' '. - r- 

videmv that his family was not uuworth\ 
of him." 


was an hour p.i-t dawn when 

.!( K M xtrolled home. I>>udou i* 

,;iful in Mimmer at that hour 

.ral mill- r am 


!ied through tin 

II of ( alnme,, ;md c. n 

olation. I. m Ihiwn brm. :d jov 

Idil not to \Vr iLjiiini 

IIMCPptiblp, he had fur tlie Ilionii'lit 

. yieldel t the -| II of scene; 

!i>es stille<l liy tin- morn 

UK' air and free from tin- influei 

II Ml il i h's exhilarating mphi-trics 
Hid all the wild and amusing caprice 
ind daring wilfulness :in d ^r.ind affe<'ta- 
ion that distinguish ami inspire a circle 
.f patrician \oiitli. there came. .\erhim 

-i-ci..ii-iii-ss of frustrated 
md liaflled amliitioiis. Il was the dawn 
if his birthday; he was twenty-eight 

.- and he had m 
isked to join the ( '.diincl." 

M..'..r c .US have elevated and 
flened the lot . .f man,' said 
\l\ln.oi ii.i in. ' and my hnsbaini 
hem with ahno-i a religion- ~.-nlimi'iit. 
Hut you cannot play Bridge in a motnr- 
ar. ami the human voice i- distp 
lo me amid the squealing and |>anling 
,f the |i.sciie(| mi-Katheria wl 

I have no re-oup-e Imt m\ own 

- irely that is siltlicieiit.' |.olitely 
miirmnred the I 'uke. 

\\ln-n the past is expelled.' 
replied Lidy M u:i,"i i"i III. 'fur 
\\nman ha- ;i p : ist nnxvad 

' Hut the fuliin-V ' said the Iinke. 
"'Yet*, thai is ever interesting'. I'lit 
that it sniiii-liine- ii 

I shall rcmemlier lhat.' remarked 
the Duke, 'when next I am trouliled 
with insomnia.' " 

" Mr. Al h \M. was a yiuinn man, t ' 

nan ten years older than I/>rd Hi i.o. 
His ;ij,p,Mrance wa- striking. Suneu hat 
lielow the miildle height, his sjia 
sinewy form was crowned by a c<- 
ance aquiline but delicate, simii' 
by a dome-shaped forehead of 
ordinary altitude. A thick but i 

moustache did mil conceal his cnned 
lip or the scornful pride of his distended 
nostril, and his Vandyke heard did not 
veil the exijllisile tendenie-s ,,f his 

mouth. He wore a simple costume of 
tweed knickerbockers, with a black 
\elvet jacket. . ' cummerbnml, 

Hyp in collar, and a >ol't sombrero u ith 
a peacock's leather daintily stuck into 
the bund. 

1 cannot enter into such contro- 
versies.' said the KiiiK- ' Kver> day I 
feel, more and more, that 1 am extremely 
unfamiliar with modern fiction.' 

I >o not regret it.' said Mr. Ai 
' Nine tenths of existing looks and nine 
hundred and uiiieU nine thousandth! 
of modern no\cU an- nonsen 
' ' What you wi) I f.-el \i-r. 

ilie Kin^.'. repressing a smiH 
myself have little leisure for novel 

No iloubl every man should 
biii.- an intellectual with 
training.' replied Mr. Ai 
if he happen to IK- a coi)stit> 

.1. \\i:\i;i I, I'. 1 




The Hoar Hunt. From an Old Print. 

sovereign. But the popular conception 
of the means is radically wrong. Kings 
should Irani to talk : it is a rare accom- 
plishment and extremely healthy. The 
theatre, entirely remodelled and re- 
formed, and devoted to sacred melo- 
drama, should lie an important element 
of Royal education. I should not object 
to the' recitation of certain sonnets. That 
is enough. 1 would not have a book in 
the house, except a few selected novels 
published by HKINKMANV.' 

' Those are the maxims of Manx- 
land ''. said the King. 

"'They are,' said Mr. AI.KAXE; 'and 
of such principles I believe a great 
revival is at hand. Your Majesty, we 
shall both live to see another Renais- 
sance.' " 

o o o 

" It was a balmy day. They sat down 
by the great trees and the servants 
opened the luncheon baskets, which 
were a present from Potsdam. Mr. 
li:>sico was seldom seen to such advan- 
tage as when distributing the viands on 
such an occasion. Never was such gay 
and peaceful hospitality. The professor 
of economics was quite fascinated as 
Mr. JESSIOO thrust a paper of lobster 
sandwiches into his hand and enjoined 
Mr. PEARSWORTH to fill his tumbler with 
Australian champagne." 

" If there were anything or any person 
in the world that Sir HARRY BOSWORTH 
hated more than another it was the 
hated him was not very clear, for the 
Duke had never answered him in the 
Times, nor were the reasons for his 
detestation which he occasionally gave 
to his special crony, Mr. MOLARY BEBB, 
entirely satisfactory. Sometimes it was 
because the Duke snored in St. Paul's ; 
sometimes because of the shape of his 
lower lip ; sometimes because he wore a 
white hat. But whatever might be the 
cause BOSWORTH generally wound up, 
' 1 tell you what, MOLARY, if that fellow 
becomes Premier I have made up my 
mind to go to Nova Zembla and hunt 
for the remains of the mammoth.' " 

:;: & fi & 

"It was a brilliant gathering. All 
the ' nice ' people in London were there 
out of respect to the high character 
of Lord ST. JOSEPH. LEO MINIM, his 
topaz eyes flashing with the lambent 
effulgence of genius, was seated on a sofa 
eating a Mandarin orange and conversing 
with a lady of distinguished mien, and 
with the countenance of a Roman 

| empress. Hard by stood Mr. MOI.ARY 
BEBB, a man of extraordinary beauty, 
with one of those faces one encounters 
in Asia Minor, rich, glowing, with dark 
fringed eyes of tremulous lustre ; his 

figure was scarcely less striking, and of 
j voluptuous symmetry. Lord VINCENT 
! HOWARD, delighted with himself and 
everybody else, looked more like a 
benevolent walrus than ever, and in an 
ecstasy of urbanity ejaculated " Hear ! 
Hear ! " from time to time. Mr. JESSIOO 
sat on a small stool at the foot of Lord 
ST. JOSEPH, and was practically invisible, 
like an ortolan smothered in vineleaves, 
but whenever Lord ST. JOSEPH said any- 
thing he broke into a frightful shout, 
and Sir HENRY CHINLAP tittered im- 

Episcopal Exercise. 
SIR, As a straightforward, healthily 
sporting Englishman and thorough-going 
churchman, few things delight me more 
than to know that some of our leading 
Right Reverends take a pleasure in 
I British sports and pastimes. Imagine 
my joy then, on reading in the Times 
for December 27, under the heading of 
" Association Rules " (which I believe 
means a particular sort of Football), how 
"Bishop Auckland beat Ilford, at Ilford, 
by tico goals to one." Bravo, Bishop ! 
May his episcopal gaiters never be less ! 
Of course he brought his own team, as 
did Mr. Ilford of Ilford. Honour to victor 
and vanquished. Let clergymen follow 
this excellent example, says 



I. 1!05. 


I MUM t. -.. Burma Burma that I annexed." 

e remembers the rarely moved 
M.. i .ni Qromonii uttered this 
tioo. It was in conversation at a farewell : 

o ere of his letting forth on that journey 

t!eU-d in hi! 

mother's house in Grosvenor Squar 

- . - - .-. : . -i . ,.;. an ; 

fertilif. voramea issued by Measn. HnvHrsso 1 

t wo years travel 

rough the length and breadth "f the land, a journey 

: - i .. triail Cher rah iathu ran p 

- . . /'. \- :......;.-!. ,-1 . mi - 

true character of a once n "try was disclosed to him. 
and he ha* set it forth in an admirably written narrative. The 
rolumea an illustrated by innumerable photographs taken 
lion testifying to the purity of tin- 
air. In addition then- an- twenty coloured plates copied 
from paintings made by Mr. JAMES MiDDunrw during pro- 
residence. Thus nothing is lacking to the rare 
of a work interesting from first to last. Mr. 
. - ...:. -. ran a -: u n MO blance i- tween 
Burma and Japan, and expresses the hope that "one of the 
fairest and most attractive provinces of the Empire " may, 
under happy auspices, follow Japan's lead along the prosperous 
pathway of civilisation. 

The assent 1 1! fault of The Tiger of Muscovy, a cleverly con- 
story by FRFJ> Wmsiuw iI\i;MA\a & Co.), is that the 
author baa made the heroine of his story so irritatingly 
whimsical as to weary the patience of the most hopeful 
reader who had liegun h admiring her light-hearted and 
MHiM-what light-headed audacity. Her treatment of her 
stupidly devoted lover becomes tedious, while her Kliza- 
lietiiaii manner of speech only serves to give a kind of 
imitation Sliakspearian tone to her shrewish and witless 
there are some good scenes ami strong 
us when the heroine is at the Court of lv\\ the 
Terrible, and when hero and heroine are making their 
escape from it. But their stay at the b'u iau Court i- too 
pr.tlongcd, and the incidents are somewhat monotonous. The 
n-hi-d Skipper will tiud his work cut out for him, but 
- judiciously skipping, will enjoy the 

who inherits literary tastes from her 

mother. Mr- author of .1 UYcfc in n />. m-h < 'mintri/ 

ha- published with SiwpKtx, MAKSH.UJ. a leash 

'. which the fir-!. .\ninn>ln I'l-iifultl, lends its title to 

k. Her work is marked by a very engaging naturalness, 

and (mill in " '1 .if Amanda I 'enfold " and " I >.inn- 

Margaret's Chamber " -he U-tniys a gift of imagination which 

unites, inequalities of gentleness and strength. In "Juliet 

roe ' she has handled with perhaps less felicity one of 

those themes for which the laws of nature provide no is- 

melodramahaiito be called in to redrew the balance of things. 

in-tnu-ted in the tricks 

of the writer's trade, she will easily remedy certain obvious 
defecta of style , but my Nautical Retainer hopes that -In- ill 
become profeaaional enough to lose the sin. - HP. and 
unselfcoasciouaneM which go to make her present > harm. 

i him in I. 
gOf(Tiior>hi|>> <>l We-tern Australia. Trinidad ami Maiiritiu-. 

tuts written the story of her uamlerings in ''olnninl 
Memvr'i,., I'SniiH. Ki.iHitti. Very jili-sisint niuling they make. 
tH'ing imliuiil with the unaffected art of a traveller 

r.-rii..|.- tli' I---'. l'.vaii-e the impression in 

least c.'ii\f mi. .rial circumstances, tells of roughing it in the 
wilil- Zealand forty year . delightful 

r, through which glimmers the pleasing light of ijuiet 
humour, i- i|e\oi. ling 

should make ladies, who li\e at home at ea-e. moi. 
with their dome-tic lot. In a i-.iiiple .if chapters on Trinidad 
the traveller tells fear-Milne tale- aliout ants. My 

-||e.-l at < ioMTIIIIiellt II. 

the tn .pical palace ' which sometime earlier u i liv 

Luly BMOOMX'B chatdaineahip, can te-tif\ to the modflntkm of 

her Mory. He well rememmn the liii-y. interminalile 
cession of gigantic Mack ants that, never re-ting, never ending, 
alway* on the s;ime track, some going one way some tin- 
other, every morning and through the sultry day, patrolli-d 
the ceiling of the sjuicious bathroom. 

! her 

he Would 

iely of her 
-''es. Born in 

\ .- . . .' rJH 

rm , ask 

The content- of the \ .iliime ent it led <li;,il I 

At 8isir>-itili Cintiifi/ i'o\-iviiiK' are OK Mr 

SlIiSi v | ilains, On a Series of eight Lectures delivered 

by him at the Lowell Institute, Boston. There is in the lx>ok 
no echo of the lecture room. They are litera 
of the purest kind, the most skilful workmanship. Hi- 
suhjects are Sir THOMAS M..I:K, Sir 1'iui.ii 1 SIMMY. Sir 
Wu.rat UAUXJII, EI>MINI> Srts-i i:. Kiav is lUo-s ; and SIMK 
SI-KXKK a galaxy sufficing to illuminate a century. Tin- 
erudition displayed' by the Editor of the />;,/;,;;// ,./ 
National Biography almost takes my Haronite'- Ineath away. 
He has read everything written by and aliont each of hi- 
sulijii-t-. The result is a rare combination of biography and 
literary criticism, the latter marked l>\ rel'n-hing ali-.-i 
servility. Apparently without i-ITort, with no indication of 
deli Iterate design, he manages to invest these da. leal to 
most of us, shadowy- persons with llesh and They 
glow njM>n his csinvas as living men. with some of the 
infirmities, much of the sublimity, of hum. in nature. In 
undertaking to introduce lln-e giant- ..f the -ixieenth 
century to their countrymen of the twentieth, Mr. Ll i; under- 
took a stupendous task. He has accoinpli.-hed it in a manner 
l>efitting his theme. 

Tin- l.tlM-ral Y<-nr /!<./.. issued from the l.ilieral I'ulilication 
Department in anticipation of the New Year, i- a marvel of 
condensation. Published at the price of one shilling, con tail 
over three hundred pages, it will be found an indi-p. -n-al.le 
adjunct to the writing-table of all concerned in Imperial 
politics. Among ita contents is a full li-t of Members of 
Lords and Commons; a poll book showing how 
have gone in town and county during tin- la-t twen 
a similar record of Parliamentary Election iVn 

ment of the political composition of th. -House of Comn 
useful information aUmt Par- 
liamentary procedure and ele.-- 
.'ion, with a chap 
ter de\ote<| -inn ami 

illustration of the fiscal contro 

men in 

tica: MM-, little volume. 

nng on ..-ill 

take the ],l:i< f the policeman 

in tin- diiliictie* of stre*-t life. 

" \\ hen in doul.t. " says iny 

.' anything re- 

T politics, 

oak The TAbera! ' ,i : ." 



JAXVAKY 11, 1905.] 



I VKMTIIK, reader mine, to ask of tliee 
Tliy synipatliy to he my soul's solace. 

1'ieeaiise I feel a moral certainty 

That thou art in the self-same parlous 
case ; 

And I may gather comfort, more or less. 

That 1 am not alone in my distress. 

Alack, the ticket season's at its height, 
And daily am I now besought to liny. 

With Mime I may have waged successful 

Others, avoided with averted eye; 

And yet have they already wrung from 


TI.e sum of one pound seventeen and 

The Hector's daughter captmed half-a- 

For village teas which I did net 

1 he nighl a foothall-concert seat from 

Henceforth 1 cannot count him as a 


( )ur riiotographic dub arranged a show, 
Admission sixpence 1 was bound to go. 

Onr Workmen's Social Evening -son.e' 

one thought. 

" I 'd like to buy a few to give away." 
I didn't ///,( lin' yes, oh yes, I bought 
(That made the extra threepence, I 

may say). 

An "entertainment" by the C.L.B. 
Squee/ed a reluctant florin out of me. 

i >ur Amateur Dramatic dub have played 
Some antiquated piece, the last few 

For two " rese;-\ed-and-nunibered" I 

had paid, 
I >ut did not taste their dubious 


It eosl a hoh to hear the ( 'unite's views 
I >ii Missionary Work among the Jews. 

Oh wicked custom! most pernicious 

trade ! 

Oh enmity concealed 'iieath friend- 
ship's mask ! 

How many a hitter quarrel hast thou 

made ! 

And .love, old chap, I quite forgot to 

Our Smoker's Monday evening, at the 

How many would yon like say three cr 
four >. 


li:\i; Mi;. ]'i sen, 1 think it would 
he an awfully good idea to do away 
with waistcoats. You've no idea how 
they check the development of the che>t. 
I know that after dinner on the 25th 
of last month I could hardlv breathe 


SCENE Wales. TIME End of a day'* hunting. 
Rroicn (who in on a visit to a friend). "Goon THING OLD JONES JOTTED DOWN A FEW NAMES 


[What Jones wrote doirn : Llanaclhaiarn, 3 miles. fShcyny-mafon-ucliaf, 7. Ynyseicm- 
liiiiurn, 8. Llanyxtymeary, 5, <<., &c. 

because my waistcoat was so tight. 
That cannot lie good for a chap, can it? 
I often get the same feeling at school on 
Sundays, and I wish you would write to 
that Kingston chap and get him to 
agitate for the removal of the top button 
on Sunday trousers as well. It fairly 
digs into your chest sometimes, doesn't 
it , ? ^ ours expansively, 

T. TfCKKli, MlNoIt. 

PEAR MR. Pfxnr, The headmaster of 
Kingston (irammar School has very 
rightly pointed out that waistcoats "are 
no protection to the back, the most 

vulnerable part of the body." They 
certainly are not, us they do not come 
anything like low enough. I am looking 
forward to this term with considerable 
apprehension, owing to a rag on 
hreaking-up day. Couldn't you suggest 
in your widely-read organ that " the 
most vulnerable part of the body " should 
be protected by a leather lining? 

Yours gloomily, WII.I.IK Hn;cn. 

(Card enclosed.) 





.l^s, xin II. UNI:,. 


\ liniral ilrlivrr an aiMrrm off ' 

./. ,,,i-l /. >' llif I'Hi'l . 

H, i,- i- ..I :, . en after main d 

ill ll]H>ll the baud 
: .rth the lixclx W.i 

And bid our leading b.igl.-r. -h .uld he know it. 
-x llxm:. ^ it. 

we have come, pursuing d<- 

r.-l i-le 

Hie- instruct the I . 

In French ideas and pure -(>!. 
And hemv the nu r -er- in tin- cultured par 
-c I affivt:onatel\ toward the Tartar 

:night es.-apc. a few brief wt- 

l.itigable Pill. 
And k .rrison on Uth their . h- 

selves at ease to neutral coal. 
And s>the our nerxe-. jn-l now a hill- 

where the hour is alxva 'i'ii. 

' For what a lotus-laud inxites the 
i ud of ripe bananas, very dp 
Where we might rest our bodies, high and dry. 

And disregard the nauseating deep. 
And, couched on lieds of amaranth and iiioly, 
Keep saying ' Hence! ' to horrid Melancholy. 

,o this fair delight. 

For l>uty calls us onward, stern and stark, 
And xve shall be in places still more tight 

Than when we met the trawlers after dark. 
Or tentatively stole, with shivering marrows, 
I'p ancient F.lsinore's insidious narrows., Malacca, Torres (see the mape\ 

Out of a hundred straits who i* to know 
Where KxvilMt K \ mean- t,. set his traps? 

I do so hate an Archipelago ! 
The open ero are often very lumpy. 
Hut Archipelagos are much more jumpy. 

"Oho! A cable? What is this we read. 

\YI mandate from our Ir.l. the C/xu? - 

Till further nat'trr 1/011 a ill wit fir< 

Hit' on llif other hand xtni/ ul<> / .'/ > 
Meaniihilr. miaitiiiy <>ui- dujuxt decisions, 
Ijty in *omr yams nnd ollirr frrxh /* 

tlemen. you have h.-ard our Master's voice; 
And who are xve to doubt thai he know- I 

urgi-d us forward, but his choice 
In that we give the sea a well earned 
It fed- the constant strain 'and little wonder!) 
Of keeping all these crocks from going under. 

:, let ii- pluck the pleasant tropic 

ir usi-li-ss tods ax;. mi l>egiii ; 
xve Uick or forward, either way 
to see what glory 's left to win ; 

Out with the pinn. i\ heartie-! He:ivoli.>! 

Who 's for a jaunt to Anlananai r ( >. S 

The rrport that Admiral RoanurrnsKT'* fleet W been 
porpon of thin poem, be igrored. 

MF. ) MOBE!' Accord intf to (he II'.-.*/ & 

there IIM been n curious epidemic at CbiddingfoM 

'hristnti- ln- and Siimlay S-h,. ,1 ha- had to U- 

pifctpolie.1 ' i.WIIli: t" 'I"' prev.l|e|l<-e of llllllLl." 


I'lll \\'lllll I 'U \Vllllol I \ Tu I.. 

Sis. -i H..\iu Ni^ht. when the hrury l^ine I'anlomiiiie was 

'he pnl. lie. much has )iap|-ne I. It ha- 

iinderxone s.iine severe ..('eiations, and i- now consnler.ilily 

lelievel (in llie -'N''iith niylit. which was i\* thirtc'nlh 

ranee in pul. lie. Mr I'nn.-li's I '..mnn--ioncr. Ix-inn ; > 

! Ill such matters, went to s.-e '!'!,< \\lntf < '<!/ 

" I'unctiially .' I wa- Hi my place, and 

lu-ard tli' p.intoinm verturc And hen- let me 

thai Mr . 'inniliK acmmpaniments. his medleys, 

and In- adaj.t itioiis of all -'it- of well-known airs and 
popular tune> to luirleMjiie and pantomimic pur)>oses 


The pantomime i- announced a- Written and invented 
I iy .1. 111. koia Wool) an. I AI.-HII H Coll tvs." and it i-cmpli.iti 
rally described as' V Children's Pantomime." !'.- it tally 
witli llr- description? That, at lir.-t. -ome |.rtio:is of it 
decidedly unsiti>facto|-\ i- e\ ident from the .-\ti-n-i\e 
on that. a~ I am informed, has taken place. I h:i 
deal only with what 1 -aw and heard. The ^M-ciadc i> 
tliroiiK'lioMt nuit;niticent. the c. unlii nations .if colour thoroughly 
arti-tic. and tin- co-lnme- are .|e>i^ne.| with rare s;' 1 ta-te. 

Had the story of '/'/ \\liitf I'nt IH-.-II dearly told and well 
dramatised, had it- tWO Collaborating writer- yiven their I..--I 
attention to rendering inlelli^ilile the action of the plot, and 
to the development of all the fun and hum. >ur of which the 
legitimate situations might In- capable, and had they left a 

margin of time for a genni ild fa^liioncd harlequinade, 

then, with such a company of eccentric comedians and 
paiitomimi-ts as "The Line" now possesses and with all the 
acceasorie- at the command of the management, this panto- 
mime, if playc I U'tween T.'lOand 11 I'.M.. might indeed have 
-.irned for its-lf the title of "A Children's Pantomime." 
and might have ranked among the Uv-t on the long li>t of 
hrurv Line successes. 

\- . tost I -el.-cied a small party of l.right-lo.jking children. 
e\i.leiitly liroiight out at night for a " grown-up treat.' At 
the gorge de thi-y weie " in ama/.ement lir-t " ; thex 

did not knoxx what to make of the n-puNively prominent 
linrilln until lie xvas associated in business with the comii- 
fairy i, and the pie-en. -e of a larrikin co-ter at Court xxa- 
iiintelligible to the children as it was to mx-elf. Why 
tin- Hiiril/ii '1110-1 cleverly enacted by Mr. Ill '.II .1. WxlilO and 
tho '',.,,',- al-o good, by Mr. To\l \\.".||\\lll were inlpxliiced 
at all. I totally fail to understand. Sincerely do 1 \\ish they 
had l>een omitted. The tir-t hearty laugh for the children 
when clever Mr. .1 XML- Wn.i H. quite out ..I plare a- 
/Yiiire /'.(//(; i he has since l>e<-ii c '.mpi-lliil to retire. I 
; regn't to say, on account of ill-health, and Mr FI;I:I> |-.\<IMxs. 
ainnsing as I'rinrc I'liinifi. tried to climb the perpetnallx 
rising wall ; ami tills laughter sxxelle.l iulo a r. ur \\hen the 
unfortunate l'r'm,-i- I'nll, ;'.< shin xxas pulled clean oxer hi> 
head and prov.-d to U- altout thirty feet long, a in 
venieiit length for either a day or night chemise. Tin- 
de<-idedlv funny, and sx-on-d the lirst real good laugh. 

Then was presented "an interior,' I kitchen, or 

r>.m "I all xxork. Here the old pantomime knock 
drollery of washing the baby-doll, of playing at eating and 
drinking, of magic ija e-. mice running out of the eh' 
a giant policeman going up in tin- air. kept my i. |>i< 
latixe children, and. for the matter of that, exer.x one in the 
house, in Inir-t- ..I the heartiest merriment. They laughed 
loo at the curious cr.K'k.-rx ware plate. I mi tie and jug-gling 
of Mr. T..XI lit xli\ : but this character, called S/m/i'. no more 
belonged t.. the story '.that i>. the s|..r> ,i- it oiighl to have 
IMI-II than did the I inrilln and th- 

When at last, at Id.lM. ]'rin^:-:i .lin-.'/.i Mi .lixssn. 
Mx>|..sxi nmiaiided by the vindiclive witch // 

ITXCII, n|; TIIK Ln\I><>X rilAIMVAUI. Juman II. I'.M).-). 


f *,** -i*. ~^_*'y*. 


Ci.o\vx (Uioirr Ilox. A. J. B-I.F-R) to PAXTAI/IOX (Sm H. C-MPB-IJ..B-NK-RM-N). "OH, I SAY, HERE'S A JOLLY 
[A General Election is said to be imminent, anil the Government expects to go out.] 

JAM \I;Y 11, 1905.] 





(wlio, as I think, was Mrs. LANE-JovNt) to be metamorphosed 
into the long expected white cat, I am sure my little friends 
in Iron) \\ere as disappointed as were all of us on finding 
that the wicked fairy's spell had not been half effective 
enough, and that the /Vn/<r.s-x. except for a little white Huff 
suddenly appearing about her legs, and a cat's mask on the 
top of her head, leaving her pretty face as open a countenance 
as ever, remained ni xtnln </mi, looking very much as she did 
liefore these additions were made to her costume. 

I low the children enjoyed such topical songs as the one by 
Mi- MMMI: (iu>i;i.i; as I'li/iiil ((Jiinl/uil-il fniiv iluns eelte 
;/x/(Vr.'i, with a chorus and dance (encored), and the one 
written in defiance of a certain newspaper, sung by handsome 
Miss (.^rKKMK l,Ki<;i[Tox.a capable artist for this turn, also some 
others about Comity Councils and prominent Parliamentary 
persons, I am unable to decide. I observed that on these 
BCCasionS they kept their eyes on their elders, and if they 
saw tJii'in applaud, "their little hands," which " were never 
made." as 1 >r. \Vvns has it, for this sort of exercise, went to 
work with a will. 

1 did not Mop for the third part, which, presumably, was 
lollowed l>\ the condensed Harlequinade, 99 il is quite possible 
to have loo much of a very showy thing. Anyway this is my 

report of the amended edition of the Drury Lane Pantomime, 
which far more appropriately might have been entitled, after 
the monarch amusingly represented by Mr. JOHKNY DANVKRS, 
King Iron/ and Hlx 'I'lirec. Sons, or Harlequin The, Golden 
Net, and /In 1 I'n'tli/ I'rinees's u'lio couldn't, become a Cat. 

No pantomime hands need be deprived of their employ- 
ment were the "Drury Lane Co., Limited," to produce a 
pantomime of which the opening, as it used to lie termed, 
should play from, say, 7.30 to 10, when the scene of the show, 
"the transformation scene," should be given, followed by the 
Harlequinade, with Harlequin, Columbine, Pantaloon and 
Clown as principals, assisted by sprite, policeman, all the snpei- 
numeraries, tricks, dances and quick changes, and the old- 
fashioned bustle of the " spill and pelt " that hasn't been seen 
for many a year, perhaps not since the YOKES' time, when FI;KI> 
YOKES was "Mr. Spangles," and Uosixv YOKIIS the Columbine. 
I should he inclined to quote Aladdin, with the YOKES Family, 
and lilui' Hi'iii-d, with the inimitable Paynes, as model panto- 
mimes. Now, Mr. Aimini COLLINS, in your next, let there be 
a well-known story so deftly dramatised that it could be 
intelligibly told in " deeds without words," full of laughable 
" situations," songs set to catchy music, and plenty of grace- 
ful and eccentric dancing. 



JjJH un II. l'.ni.V 





Mi Pmoi i l.r. KU:\I.I" MS in. i-iKiv.ii i\ 

ttMTTMC nil H>\|- IVIHv.r;. . ..! I ltll\T- LIKE AST OTHE 

rTV 1 I'n yujnm \* about to opm Ixmilon oflioo under the direction of an Knjili-litnan.] 


Ity K-lr-r-l II <'-f-r. ihr imrlil-fnmntu flilur 
Ha** ll,trm*ir-frth'i h'niry V<ii/," 
imit nlkfr fiinmrilt book* for rlnlilrrn 
trkorr tillr* trr ramnal rrnitl 

THK problem " I.. il<> t.. enter 
toin OOP'H <Jcnr young friend- ;il Christ- 
mm" in OIK- i!> and 

.ear lia* ! 
a* tbr MVFpiH judge "' Roodl 


make them o n-, vrilh nil t! 

n tl- (.iMg.-. I M> fxpenae, 

fnn i if 

rti-. \ 


\VIT<- tin- height of tlio nursery 
last CliristniiiK. (iwcd tlicir |i]m- 
lurity cliit-fly to liiianci:il ( onsidcnitions. 

- kll'iUf, \\ llo lias xjivi'll a 

party wort 1 1 the naint- to rliililrrii worth 

tin- nanir. it is a VITV i'\|.i-n>i\f Im 

Hut tin- t lii-sit r-V A men- " ]>lil(i-liiti-." 

ll vpri'-sivi- nrllio^nipliy of a 

little inaiilic of my ai- 

iltcr in a 

i ami uoinen of the 
liaii'l are so niiiliv 

spoiled jKitn- i in rhil.lren II.HIMX in their 
' uilli , .il 

nreete, half-onothered U-ne.itli t. 

llic oilier h.lll'l ale \oll. l|, .11' 

with Imt one aiulnti.ii in I 
to lli,. artll. I eoinplevily ..( 

(|iie-lion i- 

rack ; hut 

theoe yiiiinj; f/<in,'i/r> l>y taking them to 
i i\ and that in .1 ! \asl 


urll V 'i i nie to me. an oh) 
band, to know bow to. do it ; ami I \\ill 

tell Mill \\ itll as little lll^i. 
Me. In the tir--t plaee ll |^ lit- 
to know the parents. No one. how 
thorough a clnlil lover, has the 
. ithoiit lirst having 
-.n-iircil tin ' the drawing 

This mu~l !" reiiiemlM-rcd. Ma: 
perimeiitali-ls in this new game of 
Toddle worship, as ll ha- IM-CII railed. 
have thought it Mitlirienl to make ac 
'(iiainlanee willi the niir-i-maid on the 
I'roailstaii's promenade. Hut no: there 
I- a \\ide gulf, as tin- Kreneli s;iv. 

:i the Imi-'l ill- In HUT and the 
.iiilnn. There is lint one to the 
aristocratic nursery, ami that is the 
aristocratic drawing room. Here 1 must 
leave you to find your way for \ oiir-elf. 
Such si^-n-N cannot IM' coinnmnicated. 

I .- i n- a nine that your circle of lilnc 
Moodcd rliildrcn \ for none other arc 

lingi is complete Tin' next 
What theatre -hall lie 
This i- a dillicnll nut to 
let us omit the -lep- |>\ 
which the d<-ci.-ion is arrived at. and 
settle, lor pur| ost>s of argument, upon 
Tin 1 Tniniiiij of tin' S/MVIC. since !' 
rich in the conditions for an excellent 
youthful Christmas amusement. What. 
For example, could IM. lietter for children 
than to -' - l'i'triii-liii>'.i lieliavioiir to 
KiitliHi-iiiii .' Here indeed i- a ground 
ing in chivalry that should he of u-e to 
every Ixiy and girl. t hie sees the 
children in the theatre literally shouting 
with laughter, and it is 1 1 1 1 nei-easary 
in any theatre but Priiry Line to inquire 
whether laughter is rightly based. At 
any rale the laughter caused hy 
I'rlnirJiin throwing chairs at hi- lad\ 
is a lietter thing than the deplorable 
merriment reuniting from the insipid 
and brainless fun, go-ralled. in the 
naus.i.ii-ly popular adaptat ions of l.iwi- 
Cvitiion'- over -rated stori. 
( '\liln 'l l. had none of the rjualit 
attribute- of a succi.-sful playwright, 
unle ill natureil c'ritic may like 
to U-lieve that his inordinate vanity 
\va- -in h an attribute. His Imoks hail a 
certain vogue in dav-when writer- tor 
the young might IM' coiinterl on the 
- of one hand ; though I am, and 
shall always remain, profoundly :-ceplical 
alMiiil the chihlren having liked them. 
Then- mtfl alv\a\- in my mind the 
m-pired an~'.vei ol that adorahlv 

liltli' maid who vv:i- ,r-ke,| by the 
author which she liked be-t. .1' 

(/MI./ or .l/i'-i 1 tlii-i'in/li tin' l.otil.iii'J 
and vv 1. . d. aflei 

llioiight : " I think .l'i.-c Iliriiinjh ihr 

' upider than .! 
\\'i>inlrrlnii'l." Hut to -iip|K,M' that 

\itv II, I'.Ml.V 


modern children ;iiv so stupid as tn 
liolhcr their heads about Alice, IS equiva- 
lent to believing tliat modern women 
have the doings of < 'liiri.-ssn al their 
linkers' ends. And u hen sueli songs as 
the ll'<i/;'n.< iiinl tin- Carpenter" are 
simoon a stage, where their old-fashioned 
pointlessness is trebly apparent, nine 
cliiklren out of ten turn to you with 
sighs of hdl-eiloin to ask wliat the deuce 
it all means. 

It is assumed, then, that we go to 
Tin' Tiiininii of tin- .S/i/rir. The first 

thins lor you to do is to make arrange- 
ments to get your guests together. 'I lie 
best means is the electric i-mi/t/''. \vhich 
costs hut a guinea for the afternoon and 
will hold two children. Fifty r/ ; .x will 
thus convey a hundred children, which 
is a lair number. The nurse;-; can follow 
in a dray. 

At the theatre itself, once the children 
are seated and have been made ac- 
quainted \\ilh their host (although for 
gaining an intimate acquaintance the tea 

afterwards gives 'I' 1 ' better opportunity), 

the duties of entertainer are taken out 
of your hands by the spirited Mr. OSCAR 
ASCIII; and his companions: except, of 
course, between the Acts, when it will 
be your privilege to listen to the mm 
incuts and hand round chocolate. How 
delicious these comments are ! I recall an 
Honorable of three and a-half who hushed 
the whole theatre to startled and inquisi- 
tive silence by remarking, alter one of 
I't'lrui-lii't'x more brutal sallies " That 's 
just what daddy does to mummy ! ' 

Another of my young friends, heir to 
I know not how many thousand square 
miles of Scottish deer forest, insisted on 
showing me his natural-wool vest during 
the whole of one interval. During an- 
other interval lifteen or twenty children 
will be waiting to be greeted ; and if you 
check t he' speakers abruptly, or show any 
lack of interest, they will be miserable 
for an hour and suspect your friendship 
for a week. 

The performance over, and the nurses 
rescued from the pit and gallery and 
other low places and carefully disinfect ed. 
you then drive in procession to the 
Carlton, \\here tea or supper is spread, 
and indulge iu chicken and champagne, 
dance the cotillion, and exchange that 
con\ersation which to the true child- 
lover is inestimably precious. J remem- 
ber with rapture a little lady of ten 
informing me in a confidential under- 
tone, secure of sympathy, that she had 
just left off baby -stays, and that the new 
ones hurl : a confession of intimacy 
which I felt amply recouped me for the 
money she and her companions had 
cost me. liut the inner friendship of 
children cannot be computed in pounds, 
shillings, and pence. 

Te.i or supper done, the last cracker 
pulled, the last present distributed, the 


lie (ii/iirmcdly the erratic gteering). "En AND HAVE YOU DRIVEN MUCH?" 

.S//c (quite pleased with herself). "On, NO THIS is UNI.Y uv SECOND ATTEMPT. BUT TIIKX, Ten; 


last quenelle eaten, there is nothing left 
but to summon the nurses from the coal- 
hole, and send your little guests back to 
their homes and schools to Marlborough 
House and Berkeley Square, Eton and 

I subjoin a good working estimate of 
the cost of this delightful aftermxm or 
evening : 
Printing and postage of invita- s. <1. 

tions, &c 1 5 

Fifty coupes at a guinea 52 10 

Four drays for nurses 4 

Seats in the theatre for guests and 

host 35 G 

Scats for nurses - 10 

Meal and crackers at the Carlton... 1<*0 

Cotillion presents 50 

F.xtras .. 5 

250 5 (i 

For just 2 l()s. a head, then, one can 
give LOO children of the rich yet another 

pleasure. Is not this worth doing ? On 
all sides I see foolish busybodies wear- 
ing themselves in idle quixotry. How 
much better to devote one's energies 
and spare cash to bringing wonder and 
laughter to the eyes and lips of a little 
titled ehe-ild ! 

Wi: notice that the Russian Admiral 
to command the Third lialtic Squadron 
bears the ominous name of XKMOC.XTOI-T. 
Let us hope, for his sake, that he won't. 

FROM the llnih/ Clinniicle: 



Surely this is a record stroke. 


U!X 11. I'.MI.I. 


K appeuntnce n i- ijuite :in ordn 
either il xxhidi it denxcl it- leing was 

i her Imbits, or else tin- I, . 

pOBMMed by some m<ei.< r ..pier of demon w.ili nil . ! 
mentary sent*- of liuinour. 

, !tmanteail shop where I bought it 

nmin iild tiii-l it .1 vi- 

ind<t*<l- for I' 'ml I il" liiui the j bcliexing 

that. like mx-elf. lu- \V;is ini|-ed ii|>on mely 

1 had in>i U-.-U on many journeys with it before I I 
indignantly aware of tin- gro^s carele-siu-^s with \vliicli 
port. :v line 1 travelled by svmed to ire it lu_ 

lilted to their chai . 

I triitl taking it in tlu* carriage with me liut it ref; 

go nadflr the MOt, while it WH too lnilky t<i remain long ill 
a rack intended for liylii articles only, .so I entrusted it 

A it I. il !! I niy>df, and iBOOghi no more aU.nt it 
until 1 arrive 1 at my de-tined station xvhich the hag nexer 
liy any rhanri* <lil until hours afterwards. 

It is trying at tit .illy on a vi-it to comparative 

stranger to enter a country-boon draxvin^-room. and join 
a large and formal dinner-|i;irty in the clothe* one lias tra- 
velled down m l.iit | became fairly accustomed to it in 
time. Some of my fellow guests particularly when I mel 
them again under pnvix-ly similar nmdil ions no doubt con- 
cluded that I had some con-cicntious olijection to dress for 
dinner. Those who knew wonilered at my lack of even 
sufficient intelligence to look after my own like other 

!e. Tli f y didn't lo-<* their hags. Which was all verx 
well lint I would defy them not to lose ni'nif. 

Yet. although I Hce now of course liow blind I was, I went 
on blaming porters. traHic-sn|>crintendent.s, station-ma- 

myself. for months In-fore il ever mviirred to me to 
suspect the lug. How coiihl I imagine that, under its sleek 
and stolidly re-|*ectahh* surface, it was seething with sup- 
pressed revolt, that a passion for liU-rty and indepcn. 
had permeated every filire of its leather? 

Perhaps my eye-, were not even partly opened till one 
autumn, when I had Iteen staying with some friends in 
Ayr-hire. My Iwg had rejoined me there in a day or two. 
after running up as f;u- as Inverness. So. on my way south 
fnini Kdinhurgh to York, I saw the lag with oilier luggage 
into a com|M>sitc luggage van, ami took a compartment imme 
diately adjoining it. expressly to keep an eye u|-on it. 

At York an elderly guard iu the van attempted to convince 
me that my luggage wa- at the other end of the train, and 
while I | . r-,-ied in demanding it the argument wns interrupted 
I iv the arrival of several huge Saratoga trunks which iiuin 
li-<-d his attention. At last I had to gel in myself. and identify 
my pro|-rty. I got out all lint the liag. which I could s<v. hut 
not readi, lieliind a jiile of other luggage ; just then the train 
began to move, and I had to h-ap out to avoid being taken 
on to Pctcrlxiroiigh. The;. of course, went on. 

II con(|fS4vii'lei| to r.-lurn late the same night, but from that 
instant my confidence in it was shaken. 1 could not under 

l such obstinacy and cunning in a mere bag, nor how it 
had coiilr li-t, only Saratoga trunk-, but a white 

II railway guai h. , I ,,nl\ felt 

that in future, e\en for \vii-k end \i-,t-. | ~|,,,,ild pn-fer l.'.lake 
a I"'! Il might give the impn-ssion that I e\|i-te.| t., 

iM-pn-^--.! to slay longer but at lesiM we should arrive in , 

v ml s.. tlii- . ..niliMiiiicil to inglorioii. i.|| 

till the next *nimmer, when. not without mi | diiid..i 

. |HTmitting il 
and the |xirtni.iiil'iu in my Continental wandm: 

rdinarv bag Wi.uld have l*een t- this nppeol 

.T f.-elingi mine m.-n-ly regarded it as an o| 


tunitv to work ^tT |..n. * d.-vilrv It out a- 

I'.iri-. where I had si-en my bar I for 

Munich and received the l,i<ll,tit< f. .1 it at the tJare de I 
I w.i- lit-p at about I .'ill v vi to yo to the lug:. 

i-xamined by tlii- Custnins otfirer- Hut it had 
d them that trouble by inducing soineU.dy to put it into 
I In- c\ | n-- f. .r I 'arlsbad. and. which I minded even more, it bad 
I my hitherto immaculate |.. rtm.' | .,].. with 

it. They came bac-k together in a day or two. and. while I 
thought I could - if not penitein 

the |Kirtinaiilean. the Lag maintained the demure < aim ol 
that has taken a retriever mil for his first | <nli in ^ expedition. 

The bag. by the way. |,<.i-.M-d a key a long one with a 

xxeak profile which c Id nex.-r prevail IIJ...M it to o|>en under 

Bqoarterofonhour, an emhami'wing delay when cnwaingnfrao 
tier. At last it broke short .,(T in the l.-ck. and I had to send for 
an Italian locksmith to f . M an indignity w Inch I 

de-trove. I any lingering remnant of -elf -n-pn t the b. n; had si ill 
retained. It would roll out on a platform, yawning impudently. 
and pru-eed I., di-fon;,. artn],~ a loyal bail would 
have kept to it-elf. Italian ollicials n-fu-<'.| at 
it without the precautions of a st,,ut rope and a leaden ^-.\\ 

whicli unfortunately v -iani|iei| with the nan f 

Siiovios and every time il was thus corded and -ealed I 
had to pay an extra fee. 

Whenever an eye was off it for a single i iei,i 

It saw considerably more of Italy than I did my~e|f. so much 

of my ti was ..pent in describing it- salient featur 

officials, who drew up mm rable documents concerning il 

with leisurely thoroughness. It returned from t i 
an ab-oliite wn-ck ; I wa- ol li^ed to have its back strength 
ened with an iron brace, while its mouth remained : 
nently ojien as an inil*ccile'.s. Still 1 managed t,, eet it -alcly 
home though it very nearly contrixed to return to Cala. 
\t Unit from I ' 

Since then it has licen once more in penitential retreat till 
this very last Christmas. Then it may have b.t-n the 
influence of the season I relented. 1 \ ding 

Christmas a little way out of toxvn. and I thought tin- 
must U- tired of tomfoolery by that tin* 90 I -' rted xvith it 
in a hansom on that particularly foggy Wedne-dax afternoon 
which no Ixmdoner who xva- out in it is likely i \|v 

hansom, after landing me in a i-itl ,/.- -.1,-. declined to take 
me any further, so I had to get myself and tin- ba^ to the 
Ilistrict Station at Victoria as well as I could. I xva> not 
sorry when a .stranger, who so much a- wa- v isible of him in 
the fog. seemed respectable enough ofTere. I t.narrv it I, i 

I know now that he was i-uite honest, but I .,t 1 

had my doubts of it when, after dismissing him at tin- 
station, I discovered that my confounded bag had xanisln-d 
during the short time I was taking my ticket. I 
information at the pro|icr ijuait.-r-. vMlh no n.d <\ 
tation <if se-ing it again. Il was only too ea-y for a thief 
to make off xvith it in siieli a fog. and. on the whole. 1 was 
rather relieved to lie rid of it. For om-e--| chuckle.) to 
think- it had over reached itself in its artful 

Hut 1 was mistaken. The bag turned up in tin* last place 
I exp--cted to find it in the Ix-ll I ^. niiehoxv. 

at the moment 1 had put il down by the It., .king nfliee. it 
had managed who nm-l have been a 

bit of an idiot, that it had been left !,|, m ,| by a friend ,.| 
hi-. So he had rushed down below aft. T him- only I., I'm. I 

out bis mistake, and hand the bag t.. a porter, who took H 
up to the Superintendent be had time. Still tin 

oil o( coming xxith me. which 

intention f n ,m the first. I cannot help think: i.iusl 

be Something morbid and depraved about a bag winch can 

1 '.risimas in a I.elt I. . Mlice 

id of in a cheerful family circle. 

After tin- last mortification 1 feel that all further attempt- 

ll, I: in:,. [ 



' ..... "'' f"" 1 '"' 1 - 1/ "' / "' 1 ' ('" *"- "'"' '"> >"' 


ittle friends to spend the afternoon u-ith him). "Wfii.r, DMU.ING HAVE YOU 


on my part to civilise a bag like that must be abandoned 

And yet am I justified in letting it loose on Society? I 

I Presented it to a gipsy caravan, it might 

Hi.' down will, its follow nomad*. Or it might, out of 
sheer perversity, insist on tracking its way back to me Is 
there any fand reader with n talent for reclaiming abandoned 
baggage who would care to adopt it? If so , I shall beplease, 
'". 'and ,t over (. anyone who will undertake to provid.- ii 
with a comfortable home. 

It mayn't )>. such a bad bag, if only it finds someone wh, 
ivally understands it. y v 


, IV Mowing advice has reference to an Order, which i.s understood 

have been recently promulgated by the Array Council prohibiting 

the use of .mproper language by subordinate officers.] 

LET the ribald Uritish Subaltern take warning 

Let the autocratic Captain have a care 
Let the Major with a headache in the monuM 
.live express!,,!! to |,j s feelings if he dare ! 
II yon wicked, hrar the news! 
Von must mind your P's and Q's 
the Army Council says you're not to swear. 
If you 're anxious to remain in your profession 
i MI must learn to keep your conversation free 
rom the charm of apostrophic indiscretion 
I'l-om the helpful and exhilarating D. 

Be content with "Oh, my Aunt!" 
If you can) and if yon can't, 
can take it out in " Goodness Gracious Me? " 

For the THOMAS, though recruited from the peasantrv, 
^ Was taught, before he donned-the blue or red, 
To consider even slang a vulgar plcasantrv, 
And swearing as excessively ill-bred ; 

And the way in which you speak 
Brings the crimson to his cheek, 
And it elevates the helmet on his head. 

In the future, if an N.C.O. deceives yon, 

If your men are being naughty in" the ranks. 
Make it clear to them how terribly it grieves von 
To administer correction for their pranks ; 
They must pay the price of Sin, 
But you 're not to rub it in 
With a volley of illuminative blanks. 

If you 're gravelled for some flowers of invective 

That are free from the reproach of being coarse, 
" By my halidbm ! " is far from ineffective, 

And " Beshrew me ! " has a certain quiet force, 
While the properties of " Zooks ! " 
As a counterblast de luxe 
Have a merit I can thoroughly endorse. 

Then put off your evil courses with the old year, 
And remember, oh, remember while you can, 
That the treatment of the modern British soldier 
Is conducted on the modern British plan 
Of toujown Id politcsse 
And a lady-like address 
.Is the making of a military man. Dru-Df \r. 


JVM xn 11. 1 '.H..V 

1 -it i 

lii.ilifx for ill-- p .-t .if tli. 

Tlic |.,.dle I., wli.iin ;in annuity of till' 

tiled Ity ;i Si. .lohn's \V.>.! 
lady has 1- I'V other ilny- 

I. 'I -mall loan-. A-c . that he xx .uld like 
in- known that ill.' sum liaivlx 
-ii Iliii-s fr lii- "\vn ni-eds. ami all tho-c 
in actual xvanl an- r.-f.-rr.-.l t" tin- 
I. -ill H'Hiii' at llattei 


J,tr,,,- Kit.>* VIUT I 'n, AS' ni" IUT IXK 'HD TF.c.i., if WE sii'.iiM i;nr Tin 
.Hi. H *<>. i<- '.m\ II.VTIIEB'S nut, HE> THCT I.IVKU ON ntien 

K\f 1" TIIK PI IIP lnK TIIK Hi'" 


TlIK Itiltir K1.-.1 lias rea< he I Ma. la 

: in xifelx . lint Japani < :i 
xx ill ii. 'I ' ml until tin- vcmelfl 

are tafe i; u-rn xvai. 


Tlie Kfpret* IMH 
bow lii'l- 

foreign^ui^i-. in ..ur Navy. 'I'lii- 
iifxlo ' is .|.-|.|..ralil<- in view nf t! 
that a foreign ImiKungr, M Rpokcti )>y a 
inaxaloli in-, In- 

One of the moat deadly wraponn ever 


VViiui. i!,. 

At .MI.- .'f (In- n-vivali-t miftingg at 
ir. :i girl uf fmirtifii imiyi-d that 
'iis'm might IM- |iri-\i-iil'> I fio n 
r-Milin- Ti'-l'.'it* and 1'lnrl;. I'r , 
-j-s of Tin- Tiling :vml \.i- 

r.-. < limit rst in. I. > -ill >''! 
immi-.liat-ly tin- ncxvs n-iicluil Ixnidon. 

Tin- yiiung Inly xvhu nx-i-ntly pi 1 
a hal pin into tin- Ixxlx of ln-r sxvtvt In-art 

I him. Hat-pin-* 
Lii.l thai tin- <-. invt'iiii'iui- ..f 
.; a husband \xhu.l.x-s not olijrrt 
,'llis,-,! ;|, .1 pin ,-i|, 

! .inuu-li of a t.-rri.-r \vhi.-h <li.-i| 
leader " f !> at K.uii.m<uili u.-n- fmiml 

. I'll i. nf - ..xt-l. a uirc nail, 

1 ' , . \\ < uiuli-rstaiiil 

" M.-~l -. Till > XI X~ \V XI 
\\i-ll kll'iVX I: 

it In IH- kmnxn thai Mi \V xl I 

uh.i i- plaxiiiL; .it ih>- M"iit>- Carlo 
vxith a gainliling in.i.-lnii. . i- n.ii 

lion or ar.|ii:iin: ihrr of lh- Ixxo 

m.-iiili.-r> of tin- tirn. .li--laiiin-r 

in tin- Ihtily M,iil. Tin- i- tin- In-' 

timr xxr I. I it hintril that lln- 

An hot.'l in;- lii-ivt-lx i 

n f diililivn i- lii-ing linilt in Ni-x 

^|'|k. due of tin- palliation- is to l> 
that no child xxill lie taken in without ; 
nnr-e. We fear lhi> xx ill ki-p axxay man; 

Up t. :it<. 

A letter a.hliv-.'.l to " ToXIXI X.- Sxillll 
. Marx I' I e.- 

sifely ilelix.-r.-'l I iv tiie I'o-i < Mli. 

spile of the ijlleer -p.-llilii;, xvllicll XX. nil. 

have hallle.l iiinely nine p.-r-ons 

one hiimlnil. Still, it imi-l IN- p-mem 

that the (ieaeral l'i>-l I Mli. 
-pi-<-ial |.rarlic' in this kiml of xvork. 

In an artiele in the l^iilji Mail, mi "A 
(in-at Memorial to SII\KSIT.\KI'." \li 
i 'ni:i,i ii-- t kimlly i>f ihe 


(I., 1,,-r inc.- at ''hi' .Irank 

umlilute.l liramly iiiste.ul ol her 
Her maiil x\a> ie-poii>ilile |..r the 
mistake, \\hicli was not ilis<-ii\erei|. xxe 
are told, till half a luml.ler La-! 


.-rnenl that .". ...... p:68 of a 

certain Radical or^an liad I 
ha- turned out. aft T nil. not to haxc 
IM--II a pi. -<e ol mere lirii'i'jii'l'"-i" on the 
part of the propi i.-t.,i - 'I'd.- 
i-aine into the Police Court la-t \\.ek, 
and ex idenec wa-i given liy the li^li- 
moiiger who had pur.-lia-e.l the papers 
from the purlon 

king pr. f of tin- xalue of our 
alliance \\ilh .lapiu ha- ju^l come to 
hand. The Southland Mullah h: 
iindi-rtaki-n not to re.-iime hostilities 

ITXCII, ol! Till', Lo\l>()N' ( 'IIAKI VAK'I. .l\Mu:vll. L905. 


[Port Arthur capturcil by Marshal OYAMA. Kovember, 1801; restore! to China un W pressure from Russia. Germany, and France, 

.hi ; Iras,.,! (,, KusMa, Maivh, IS'.IS; snriv., ', iv I to Crcncral \.a, Jainary 1, 1905.] 

JANUARY 11, 1905.] 




I I/I I'lltillixlll'll I'tllllll,, 

S.MHTHIM; like the following series of 

advertisement:-, in ill'' Agony columns of 
llir Miiii/nii- /W has been voing "'I at 
intervals fur man\ month* past, ami 
things seem MO nearer solution. 

SUV I'.IIM IT. Though >UM have not 
l(xikcd, ami will MOI Look, at me, I fed 
that yon have forliiililen me to *peak. I 
ran therefore only mSrehip in silence 
ami remain your Hi Ml! Aln;i:i;. 

I'l MM AminiK. Though 1 may nui 
l(Ktk at yon, ami yon must not r,peak to 
me. 1 lee] that yon are the person who 
Stood l>y the ]iillar box on the opposite 
Mile of the mail last Wednesday. Sin 

Sin I'.KM IK Your last sweet message 

gives me hope. 1 shall stand liy the 
pillar-box in all weathers all day long 
for the future in case yon may .-,ee my 
rellection when yon look t he other way. 

I'l Mil AlU'KKII. 

Di'Mii AioitKit. Von can have no 
reflection or you would not do anything 

so foolish. I have given up looking at 
anything or anylimly now. Snv IliiAirv. 
Snv BKUTV. Yet yon have a mirror, 
and it must tell yon what you are. Why 
so heartless? Von are the only woman 
in the world. I shall never speak until 
yon deign to cast a. glance at me. 1 'i MK 

Ih.Mli Anna-lit. Von misunderstand 
me. I did not want yon to he getting 
into tliflicnltics with the police. They 
will suspect \ 01 1 of having designs on the 
contents of the pillar-lio\. Sin HUM IT. 

Sin HUM iv. Then yon do care for 
me? 1 am taking a house in \onr Direct 
so as to lie nearer my divinity, on tlie 
strength of this last dear intimation. 
Perhaps in time\on will lift one eye-lash 
in my direction. 1 >l Ml! AKMIKK. 

l)i Mil AIOIIKH. It is useless. I have 
lurgotten what I felt yon were like, and 
I do not now know whom to avoid. 
I 'lease give up the house and leave the 

neighbourhood, otherwise I shall he 
avoiding all the wrong persons. SHY 

HUM nr. 

Siiv IV.u TV. Joy ! I shall obtain 

some recognition at last, if it is only 
that of avoidance. I lid \,HI really cut 
me in the Park yesterday? Say it is 
i rue, that I may feel that 1 am not 
utterly forgotten ! Hi Ml! AlioUKli. 

Hi MI: Ai>na !;. No. I d'id not mean to 
cut yon, liecanse 1 did not see yon. 
Perhaps I'orlime will l'a\onr yon next 
time. Siiv HUM rv. 

SHY HUM IT. Your kind and gracious 
reply has -cut me into the seventh heaven 
of delight, YVere yon not at t'hg. X 



[Mr. Chamberlain addresses a mass meeting at Preston ou January 11. For men only.] 

this morning, when you caught a fleeting there once more, and a second time I 
glimpse at me. and then rushed off to may pass you by. Farewell till then. 
catch your train? Hi MM AnoiiKH. Sin 

HIMII AmiiKit. I thought you were 
somebody else, otherwise should not 
have risked even that Heeling glimpse. 
Ho not break confidence, but keep this 
unfortunate incident a sacred secret. 

Sin BF.UTY. At last! we share a 

secret! It shall be ever sacred. Yon 
have, for one beatilic second, flashed those 
glorious orbs upon my countenance. 1 
wait, even for twenty years, for its 
recurrence, and am meanwhile, until you 
bid me speak, your Hr.Mii AnoiiKii. 

DcMB ADORER. Takeconrage. Iii I lli'.'i, 
if all is well, 1 hope to be rushing to 
catch a train at dig. X. again. Be 

SHY UKU IT. May every blessing 
attend yon through the New Year, and 
until that happy, fateful day, when you 
have plighted mo your troth to shed a 
passing glance. I'll win it yet, 1 swear 
it, while waiting years my love enhance 

I've ventured to declare it. You'll 
know me then, I 'in sure yon will. And 
while I live, I shall be still your I >i MH 

At this interesting stage of the corre- 
spondence we have to leave them, lie 
is obviously sincere, lint an awful thonyht 
suggests itself -can the SHY HKM IT'S 
communications be, after all, the COn- 
coction of some wicked Fleet Street wag ? 


.1 VM Vin 11. I'.Hl.'i. 


t'liM-ni! VIII 


.It .ifliT till' CVi-Ilt- narrated III till- l.l-l 

,1 kiaaed 
hand*, and ahiMMi immediqt* 

l.tti-.ii which i. ';!.! in i by .1 thump 

ing majontv Tiu-iiBuehad t< -| n ' itive Aaienihly 

III state and ill pcvh which li:nl lollH 

word.-, in it :ui.| meant vvf\ little Tin- 

red roemorah !... f i>'--l hi- -. n into tin- 
lly damn; t" -!"( lie nard 

t.,k lii- Ml tin- throne I!' -Ip ''- 
Mgarious iiii.-n-t in all that went on. only barked > when 

>llg U-came MTV Intnl. .ili-l \VIIS fi-d ll|H>n In-. 

which the Chaml>crlani had. in i-ontravention ol tin- rule-, 
lipuight in fur his own lunch. /iW/n. however. ii".-cd tln-ni 
out anil gave 'I' 1 ' CliainU'rlain n ' peatv until tin- hi-cml- 
were produced an<l offered to him. 'I 

.on tin- -uhjivt i: ndiiclcd by :i lady 

who had failed t.. olil.iin friii tin- < 'hamberlaiii an admi- 
MOO to the Hoval enclosure at a recent race mivting. 

Shortly after tin- tilings U^an to ^ i pretty much as they 

bad been going l-f- n Tin- only difference appemd to 
IK- that those who hail formerly Ui-n di--ati-fn-d now 
fened themselves highly plea-ed. while those who In-fore hail 
been entirely content, d now U-gan t- .I.-.JLI. that i-.itrioti-m 
had disappeared, and that thi> country coiihl not |... il.l\ ! 
aaved from the <|I>KI* to whi<-h it was incvitalily K"i"K r : 

One passage in tin- Q -|x->t-h had. Imwi-viT. ivcn 

;! sonic uneaainosa. She had U-cn made tn say that her 
relations with all foreign I' ' l- friendly. 

-light diffcn-nce of o|.inion," >! had iiiiitiinii-l. " wliirli 

ri-4-ii IK-IWII-II my ( iovernincnt and the Government of 
II M. the King of with reganl to the time tal>! 
the train service U-tween our res| . mtries is in process 

of aniimlile adjustment liy the n-nal di|ilomatie mcth<xls." 

this i|iic,tion was in re-.ility a very simple and silly 
nne, but a considerable amount of diplomatic and journalistic 
di.sciisMion had made it difficult and complicate 1. not to say 
dangerous. The reigning sovereign of Kisenlilnt was at this 
time, as everyone will ivm, mU-r. ' hno III., a young man of 
twenty-two, very dreamy, very romantic, highly unpractical. 
and most impulsive It had recently occurred to him that 
tin- orthodox system of fixing the time was too monotonous 
to be tolerated brut autocratic monarch, and after consulting 
his Astronomer Royal, a man \\lio~e.-cieiititic attainment - 
equalled if not surpassed by his patriotism and hi- 
ence, he had d.- id.-d on a fundamental change. 

The result of this was that nobody in KisenMiit knew at 
any particular moment what was the time of day. Km 
for instance, which had lx>en arranged to take place at 
7 o'clock P.M. (for 7.30), might be seen beginning sometimes at 
daybreak, sometimes at what would in other countries have 
been the middle of the day ; and even lovers who had agreed 
to meet for a walk in the evening might find themsclve*com- 
(elled under severe penalties to |n,-t|,,.ne their little excursion 
to the less amatory and convenient hour of (i o'clock A.M. 

To the Eisenbluter- all this was really a small matter, for 
they had been trained to unquestioning obedience for many 
generati"!!-. but the effi-.-ts on the neighbouring country of 

Ilinterlai; .-nlilut had no other neighbour*), especially 

on those of its inhabitant* who were engaged in foreign trade 
and railway tr,i: immeasurably inconvenient. 

Contracta were brought to nothing, and railway trains which 

-taried from Hinterland were often made ridiculou 
arriving at lln-ir d- lilut either lont; U-fore 

had begun their journey or so long afterward- :m to 

-him i.fdof half a mile an h"iir. 'I'hc railway 

Hinterland are ln^l, -pinled con, I tin-, 

annihilation of tlu-ir time-table- wa- more than they could 
bear with patience. They had pn tc-t.-d. and their pi 
had IMVII made the ba-i- of diplomat! tatioU by the 


\ it would not ha\e lf-n thought that sin-h a i|ue-tin 
a- tin- could haM- lent It-elf a- fuel to the llalne- of Ji.ptdar 
pOHxion I 'ni|oiibteill\ . l,,.iMv.i it had ! 

I'he I'-adiny II :diltit had 

I that "II. i who mi^hl attempt in deliunce of the 
indi-j i-ndi-nt n^lit- of onr nation to mi| o-e then 
on a Slate which had U-en I mid cnoiiirh to Inn 
of an ab-iird i >n\eiilion would find that tin- ancient might of 
the Ki-ciihliiter- had lo-t none of it- xi^'our. We hurl < 
with eontempl." il continued. " the mi-erable in-ull- to which 
our bel., -,ed King i- daily :i,,ina inn-li: 

To tin- II Ilinli 1-1:111.1 had \ery p' ('lied 

that, if King ' >lll \si-' ' the bitten.- .feat. 

that luxury could l -upplnil 1<, him b\ ll 
land. It (her i to hint that the Kin. 

lunatic, while hU Milii-i- [j drivell, ai.d 

wound up by declaring that, not for the tir-t lime in their 
history, it might be the duty o| Ilinlerlauders. who i 
pushed their aliMo>l fanatical lo\- :ii i,f 

cniveii compliance with tyranny, to chant iso and n-pre-s the 
overweening insolence of the bloiMl-lhir-t\ |ipulatii>n of 

In the meantime Kini; I'liio betran to review his irm i 

proceeding to which STLVU made tl ...... dy |M,-sible rep! 

calling up her -hied live hundred 

men each to forty of his p ami SM.VU retorted by 

emlmdying her Militia. IJolh parties finally issued loans of a 
\cryconsiderableamoniit.called U|HI their Archbishops to 
frame special prayers, and prepared for the wor-t. 

It i- not to In- -np|K>-i-d that at ihis cri-i- in the fort 
of his country the l',-t I.nn,.,- ',-nt. Far from it. 

His poem. " The Time-Snatcher." i-siie,| in popular format 
the mode.-t and barely remiinerali\e (-rice of one shilling a 
copy, will remain for all time one of the iiobleM and im>st 
inspiring efforts of a patriot's mii-e. In an im)xiHsioned 
exordium he de--ribe<l in jiipular language how 

this earth revolved round the Mm without cea-ing ! 
moment to revolve methodically on il- own axi- Having 
brietly alluded to (ivliilo. TV MO Hi.-vm - i -. .nnl 

Professor Sir Noi:\iv\ I>N kvi.t:. he then showed Imw lb 
land had profited lieyond all other nations from tin 
of astronomy, and how it bei-ame her |i--iple. 
submi.-sive to divine decree, to \>r u'ht the dark 

sfchenu-s of one who, 

Striving t" hurl .lovr's tliuinK-i l> ,ll ? . wciulil (In 1 
Hi- xra-sjxil llif I'll' 1 vvin-l. 

n avail l<, stay tin- fi-.irful ~ : 
Of i 

Soon shall tin- f -i-inan'- I;,-!],!, kniLtlom rock 
Tinier tlie onset of our an 

MIW that li- 
Make the poor - .tin. 

The poem ended with a glowing picture of the return 
.ifler the ariii"d force- of Hinterland should I 
the whole country of Kiscnhlut and "left i> 
n.ale To tell infiltn l,|,-tale" After l" 

had bei n sung in various theati- --li that v . i 1mm. 

inde I u | -on a hair. What actually ti,k place I n. 
f r anot h. 

S|i,llll\(i C^Mil-M. " The hound- -o ,n 

with their fox " i- a phrase constantly u-.-d by -porting 
writ. : I with this liv po- 

crilieal de-i-ripiion. 

JVM vi:v II, I IHC, 



I'l M II. u|; 'I UK I.MNlMiN i || \|;|\ AIM. 

IxM xn 11. I'.HI 



of (111- I,. .1.111 ! '.!:[ \\ n|.| 

.. whaler. 
! I .V I.I I i M 
have li-ii ri pi. 

in-lit, il 

. \\ l.o ill \. i.- ..II tin- Im.c 

I -in lln in-1, i I ( .f llicir 


' . vni- 

.in. I "liusllors." criminal 

the pur-mi of brutalizing 

a- with ailull- so i> it with the 
ii. Tin' linitali-atioii of 
llic Jlrilou Indian in ill.' ha-siiictlc. ami 

|>ll I. ll I cfl'IC 111' 1-. si 

A ^ifiiil \\ritcr in tin- Mi'iitlilji I. 

.HI in-lain ! of iiifaiitilf 

who slink- lent i i i.ition. and 

aw. iv fi.'in th. -I and 

: ill tin- nun ." d writer- have i 

l'i-rw n V. liaxe 

tending their "" of 

ami night- plaving un 


plll'lic S4'l 

with tin- feti-h wor-hip . '. 

and. m-lead of partaking of the 

-miple diet which hel|ed u- I 


ami th .ham 

paKiie. Devonshire cream and i*il<- 
Hid along-idt- of all 
.nilon and odion- extrav ... 

weliml ev idelli-e-of the nio-l il. 

icily r.m. pant in our midst. 
liir sandwichmen. for example, 
l>crhaps the line-l. the most un 
M'lli-h. the most piclure-.|iie Imdy 
i if cili/ens that we have, are wxrned 
off tin- foot-walk like so many Kallir-. 
and compelled '" wear a metal ap 
paratii.- compared with which the 
chains of the gallev -lave are a mere 
luxury. Cockfighting i-. 1 am 
a nre. 1 on the lies! authority, 
i xlen-jvely if clandestinely patro- 
m-id in I he heart of mid -Max fair, 

niid HI is credibly reported thai Mr. \i,. / . . in THE HR.-T TI- i i- alxint private liidl BEES urrst> r * '' 

the gardens of hi- Park 

\\hich II.IMII..I full i ai liM|imti- "\Vhal 
la lilllc I my of 

a little girl nut I. n^; a^o. ' \\ lic-n I 
up. u.i- l'.|:il<.ii- I'l.-inl rt'l'ly. ' I mean 
i" l< a |!i pi.,. |.|.i\ii like mamma.' 
t'oiilil aiiylhin. !'|in'iit of 

i nr - |.n- tli. in this ilc 

! an imiK-i'iil 
cliilil r liy the 

- r.i.'iH.t i ! Nomi n 

.iml it i- .'( -ini-li i augury thai 
male chililren are now -larleil in 
life umlcr the name- ! '' 
N \IIHMI i . .l.-i I'M. ami Alllill. than 
miller any other. Wherever we 

Mini v I l>\ the ll.ill i't 

rammany. the . khaki, the 

Kan nf Hill. The I'arlianientalA 

inl MI-..M rx . The I 
nipt tn tli. The Heneh can 

alxxax- lie -i|U.ui.|. The City i- 

I lo the lip.- iii \ illainy. 
i- ileail. Mii-ic I- m ..... milieil. 

I im-clf ilo not fifl \el\ \\ell 


ring in 

Line palace. (If the ineffalile orgie- 
vfhich attend the |>criodi<al meetings 
of the Tariff Committee 1 cannot 
hring my-elf lo s|n-ak. l.eyoml kire 
u of the fact that they are 
invariably with human 

xieiims U'ing usually kid 
napjed from i he Colidcii Chili. Tin- 
extraordinary facial icscmlilance lo 
TlllKIIII - that lld has deve- 
IO|K-I| in the pa-t few year.- caniml 

the notii e of any impartial ol)- 
-erver. w hile. liy way of a signilii ant con 
ira-t. the approximaiion of mv .-i\|e to 
that of Kniii M> ItiitKi; cannot fail to 
impress every true lover of hi.- country. 
Nor M-olatioii afforded u- hy 

the conlemplalioll of the late-t develop 

of the /-.''/(';/ ll'. ;'./;./..-. In all 
.-ides we are confronted with formidalih 
who in their n-ckle-s thir-t for 
. iiiulate all ll.. .Uava 

novels extolling the nieretricioii- -pi. n 
dour- of the nv/..tnliue Mmpire. l'i.-liy 
i- dead, for how can that nolile name U- 
ipplied to the Haujo Hyronics of the 
p-einlo Impel -ialisls? I'x'Ufx l.ii' 

another mined industry. History is 
replaced liy the M-iirrilon of the 

liackstairs. I'-vchol nlv-ed l>y 

iisler mia.-ma xvhieh exhales from 
the Kallir market. Hundreds, nay. 
thousands, of homes ale ile-lllule of 
I looks of any sort whatever. Onrvi-rv 
furniture is suffering from the de- 
ing influence of the dctadcnce. 'I he 
Cummerbund threatens to displace lilt- 
gland old Knglish waistcoat. SI 
is haKitnally ilrunk at li\i- o'clock ti a ly 


hade fair to n--<-ne our youth from the 

. h of indolence ami I mice up tin 

national lilue to it- pristine standard, is 

ala.-' relegated to I he linilni of theoli-olele 


"I xx \M a nexx -kirt." Niiil Mi~- 
MI.MOK, my o|.| -. 

her IHIHV chin mnml the door of my 
self contained Hal one January 
morning. A- she had worn her 
i meiil lor the la-t three 

<me\\hat astonished 
at her sudden di-i -. i x . I hen I 
iiotii-iil a .-ale catalogue in her 

" This pamphlet. I. "1 

have ncei\e.| this morning. Now 
what," she continiuil. reganlii 

-ti-rnlv . " i- meant liy ' tlaughh 

\re tln-y in any wax c urtiil with the 

il ?" 

- ( ih no." I explained. " it only means 
that everything '.- very cheap." 
"That," she said, a gleam 
into her svhola-lic eye, I .-hoidd not 
to. I noli.-i- ->iee garments here 
i|ilolcd a- '.loli bit iomi/ /n'/.-.- l.'il'i. 

i/ fa i- . ll'i '.!.' Il i.le 01 f 

may answer my pur)'se \\ill 
von come xvilh me ami as-ist me in the 


I con-ciitcd willingly, and an hour 
later \ u the threshold of \Vi.\li- 

iinii- department. 'I he sale 
i lull -wing, and glancing 

'iml the counter and ihe 
litter on the Hour to the. 
lace of my companion I sighed ho|n- 

" We can't gel anv thing In i 

.I\M \K\ 11, I 1 . Hi:, 


\Vc'il better try SMAIIIKK AM> Clink's." 
Hut to my surprise I found her smiling 
the bree/.e like all old war horse. 

- I 'nn'l .' " she exelainieil severely, 

often have I tolil you there s no 

such word in tin; English language." 

Hut before she could utter another 
word we were caught by an ugly rush 
from behind and swept into the surging 
mass that swaved to and fro before the 
skirt counter. 1 was pinned Hat against 
a large bale of mercerised eoliens, but I 
could follow my companion's career by 
various passages of arms that reached 
my ear through the hubbub. 

" I'ray get off my train, Madam," 
screamed u high-pitched resentful voice. 

" I am not on your train, Madam," 
replied Miss MKMOK'S voice in its 
severest tone-; "and if I were it would 
be a lesson to you not to wear one. 

" Hut you (I/-C and if you don't take 
your foot away 1 'II speak to 
the shop-walker ' 

"Madam, that is not my 
foot it is a roll of cloth," re- 
plie I Mi-s MKNTOK with very 
pro|ier dignity. 

"Immediately afterwards 

another skirmish attracted my 

" I )o not push n;e, Madam," 
exclaimed a wheezy, hysterical 
voice belonging to a stout lady 
with a violet toque perched 
on her golden hair. " You're 
digging your umbrella handle 
into the middle of my back. 
Von mustn't do it ! " 

"Madam, 1 have no um- 
brella," replied Miss MENTOR; 
"you are alluding to my 
elbow, which is forced into 
a painfully unnatural posi- 
tion by the person behind, 
who - " 

But. I heard no more, for at this 
moment a general swirl landed me high 
and dry in an open space, where 1 
presently saw my companion approach- 


" There is a skirt on this side of the 
counter." she said, "which is the very 
garment I require but try as I will I 
cannot reach it." Her eyes glowed 
passionately behind her spectacles, and 
there was a solemn frenzy in her voice. 

"You must dive low," I replied, still 
panting myself ;" stretch out your arm 
grip the little bit you can see, and 
pull tor all you 're worth." 

She obeyed, and taking a deep breath 
once more plunged into the melee. 
Presently she reappeared, stooping side- 
ways, evidently dragging the object of 
her search behind her. 

" Put your back into it," I cried, 
sharing her enthusiasm, and sei/.ing her 
hand 1 added my strength to hers, but 
without avail, till suddenly the resistance 

ceased so unexpectedly that we were 
nearly pnvipitated on the floor and 
tin-re emerged from the crowd, like a 
cork from a champagne bottle, the skirt 
certainly, but a lady inside it : the large 
lady with the violet toque and the golden 

"Come away, come away I " I whis- 
pered, terror-stricken and managed to 
sweep my companion into the Hlouse 
Department before our victim had time 
to turn round and discover what had 
dragged her back so mysteriously from 

her well won place by the counter. 

It was among the ferment of the 
bargain blouses that Miss MENTOR got 
entirely beyond my control, burrowing 
and rummaging among the crumpled 
heaps, and trampling under fool the 
delicate finery of the ones she rejected 
as if she had been at it all her life. 

"Where can I try this on?" she cried. 

Puss (irh 

liits iraiuJrrril into the Tapir a eaije at the Zo 

woman calmly. " Here, Miss, make mi- 
out a bill for this blouse', plea-. 

Miss MKN run's face sudilenK darkened. 
" M\ n<>od woman." she he^an 
"\\hat!" cried the other with an 
indignant snort, "how dare you insult 
me ! " and looking round she whimpered. 
"People who come to sales might at 
lea-t u-e common civility." 

Heedless ol the murmur of sympathy 
the remark evoked. MUs MIAIOK sei/.ed 
the garment under discussion, the meagre 
woman in an equally determined attitude 
retained her hold, and fora lew moment^ 
as they swayed together the issue was 
uncertain. I 'nfortnnately for Miss 
MI.MOII, at a moment when victory 
seemed iii her grasp, her hat became 
inextricably entangled in the meagre 
woman's hat-pins. Her hands flew up 
instinctively to guard her headgear 
but too late to save it from being twitched 
off and carried away like a 
victor's crown on the top of 
the chiffon hat of her antago- 
nist as the two combatants 
were parted by a skirmishing 
party from the Ha by Linen 
Department I saw Miss 
MKN roll's hat being kicked 
like a crushed football before 
the feet of the invaders, and 
I rushed frantically to the 

"Is this your string bag?" 
said a good-natured girl who 
had picked it up, and I said it 
was and thanked her, and 
brought it back in triumph 
to Miss MENTOR. Her expres- 
sion terrified me. Her face 
was purple, the veins were 
swelling in her temples, and 
her features worked strangely. 

" WELL, 

\\ I/i'ri 1 'ft 
she hissed. 

that woman ? " 

flourishing a grim-looking black viyella. " Here this way," I replied promptly, 

" Anywhere, Madam, anywhere," re- and seizing her arm I hurried her 
plied an exhausted attendant who through the departments in imaginary 
hurried by. pursuit, nor did I stop till I seated her 

" What ! " cried Miss MENTOR, turning at a marble-topped table of the tea shop 
to me, "have they lost all sense of i next door. To my intense relief her 
decency look, child, there's a man ! " i face gradually resumed its natural tint 
And indeed a middle-aged gentleman as she sipped her tea with closed eyes, 
could be seen in the next department, "After all, dear," I said, "it will be 
helping his daughter in the choice of a best for them to send you two or three 
'^t- I skirts, on appro." And Miss MENTOR 

' All right, Miss MENTOR he 'B only i buttered her scone in silence the silence 
her father," I said reassuringly. of resignation. 

" Is he all of our fathers ? " she ex- ========= 

claimed wrathfully ; but at that moment 

a rush from behind made her lose her j THE MILITARY MAN FOR BIRMINGHAM. 
hold on the blouse, which was imme- j Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S Shakespearian advice 
diately pounced upon by a meagre little to his constituents, after the visit of the 
woman in a black chiffon hat bristling Guards, is "List, List, List!" 
with hat pins, who had been eying it 


"That is mine, Madam," cried Miss 

" Nothing of the sort," said the meagre 

COSMOPOLITAN hospitality is suggested 
by the name of Lord ZETLAND'S place, 



II. : 


M\ I: as this df 


a delightful i'tcil "V a liiok-rapln-r win. 


:id ll 

1 In -ll llt;lll I- 
t A M Ii, Mplllill-ht il l.imdv I, tl.i- In \\liu-li 

linthedinvl Inn ha- had aewaa. 
i in ami tin n- is 

ihe aull .111 an-v\. 

illikitiil t liv \vhii h i ertain v I noialily 

hull her 
lit r . i ; 

.w u In i due lu what 

l.ady SVKMI N 
French idea " i.f l: ilniv 

wu its own coodaniMrtiaa ; but, ttt the time, lln \iir- 

il.i nut s-eni ' f disloyalty t.. 

aiul if. in ;i" .dicnatcd 

fn in If. \\lnli- n t.niiiiiu their imaltcralile < 

1 1 .n to IHT children, w. ml luilui 

for this c-liaiixcment. SI, ali-cnl ; ami lici- 

t-harm u. - . f tin- kind ill frit ml-l.ip. a- di-tinci from 
tin- love of hu-liand and cliilii in-.- for 

I. At tin- first, when l>.n! KMVMMI liroui;ht IHT 
Ilium- as his \M|. . -he hail to live down an implicit 
-ill. in. Whatever ht-r ilis|,iitii| origin, whether Kurdish ami 

<ire. or royal anil Kreiieh ami tin- evidence mi l>ih 
-passionately advanced liv Mr ('\VIT.IIl.lea\e- tin- 
mvstery iiuxilve I. though the fart that Madame ' uld 

seem to havt- hail i ...i,.|ni- for denying her if -In- ami Pllll.ll' of < >rli-ms had actually IMI-II 
tin- i : I'\MH \. almost turns the lialaiiee in favour of 

tl ihrr theory- IHT intimate ronm-<-tioii with tin- <>!:: 

children c;avc ln-r an atmosphere that was imitative, ami 
therefore pn-Minialily Hut tin* fax-inalioii of her 
personality, which compn-red w> man als<i 

;iix r fn\y ami nialii-)-. Iml iinlifTi-n-iMf n. not 

appir lo ha\c surxivcil separation. i-\ct-|.l al\va\ s IIITI- tin- 
afTii-timi uf IHT i-hililn-n was coin crmil. It is their nn- 
love which is IHT IK-SI \imlicalion. Ami Mr. ('\\ii' 
wlin in llii-' last ilays has fol|o\viil tin-in in paying 

- honour to her j,'i-ntlr iiu-iiiory. urll of all hi- 

kinsini-n ami In r- for this lalmur of I 

Tlic nttx'if "f th- txfonl Imlia II.-I|HT is illn-trate<l in tlirw 

volumes jn-t i-.-tiel fnmi the I'liixer-ity I'n---. In two, 

extending to neiihrfanrtean hundred pa^e- priui-. I on ordinary 

paper, we h.i. i. i|inii- a 

poneanon rompartil with onlinary lihrary editions. With 

them conies n single volume uf leaser hulk, contuinin^ iu.-t 

wren hundr> i which, in admiralile ! i- -,\.n 

A In tie of the immortal work. When my Kimnilf was 

,ry whotl he learned the axiom "Tuos into one 

won"' . M. i- i 1 d. Two ordinary vol> 

nieiilly jii-e-eiili-il a- one. l'..lh editions contain tin- 
whole of the text i- i.i-d mere than a eentury a^'o under the 
mperinU'iideiKenf I-.I.MI M- M M--M . wiih I- -.MI notes. 

d Sliflli' -:ire hollsi-. 

include- ii .i 1 . rials which the editor, Mr. Ill ninv-iv. justly 
boosta ha\e not |,m,. in print. Ii 

twopagl- nlxiund" in facsimile of - 

ii- in the MS. To 

his Oxford Edition "f the I'm-ls Mr. I !- tuocharm- 

niK volume- ..n India p.i|-er. itiinprisiu^ in marvellously 
-lii;ht Inilk II.. iitl the compl. 

i /Mil ill lUidd i i 

In .! M v MII (iiaiut- 

\\ilh tin- i \--i t-li -ome f'li/V.iui " ' inn 

H\\i .p.icity to wnii- mi uitluuit 

the a Islam e of I. 'mil familiar. M\ I'.n ,il. 

not IIHI!, know wh\ t! ..iild the III! 

for il. Thai ' Jlial the \nliiine 

. ii chapter-, i-.ich a n a-tei pni < .f that ran- art. 
the telling of -hull 

lll\l:\ S : has ofleli heard t he chime- at mid- 

night al V> .lure f.>r full ten years he h.i- ^.it a- 

llnt he has other. I-M-II more t 

fill. . r, whei' lo while away 

the hours whilst Mr. C\il>wi.ii i- di-onir-ini;. with Mr. \\'l n: 
to follow. The l.i -iilln-r .il,i,'l. mi/ of the llmie i it I'mun 
he ha- lirou^hl do\\n I. i-h l'<.|uml>ia. 

and Western Au-lralia. While -till an n\f,,r,| under 
^radiiaie he shot I. 
then ; thirty year-. In- ;ii "ell 

I holidays killini; -oiuellnnx in either henn-plieie. In 

Mil >'/..// 1 1|./ Ili'li'till/* AllMllli III- i;l\c- .1 llM-ly. p'ellll-i 

iiit of hi- adventures, the -lory Ix-iiii,' elal>orated from 
noler- made in his diary at the lime. " I h..|.e. he m K|C-I|V 

"I may claim for my narrative that 

ci"iis." My Huron ite. whilst M-eretly admiring x i Ilivin's 
haliilual ,yiid fortune, li p. Ilien- ai- 

curdling ad\eiitun-s. nolahly one with a hij,' ^ri/./ly. ha; 
uj"ni in far.. IT Wyoming, particulars of which thus conclude 
in a passage that has a familiar twaii^ : " I pulled up -hurt. 

f.ut two n. ore Indicts In-hind the shoulder , f i|,,- l ar. ami 
aid him dead at our feel." In other, and parli..- i-nlary. 
uage the lion. Member for 8t, lid. i the closure. 

In Doctor Luke (fkaen \M> s \ .Mr. \miM\\ I 

makes us further acquainted with Tin- \\'ni/ <>( ' 

of sketches which, published -lilied to 

the coming of a new writer worth readniL'. Hi- la-i i 
takes the form of a novel not altogether -uci -efully, >ince 
it lack> the coherence and attraction of a plot. That, however, 
novel reader- have always with them with pei . jiial 

to the hahitnde of the |Hir. What is I roll in /*.. -li,r l.nhf 
is its land and M-.I. its simple-hearted iinlearniil hep. ic men 

and women, who sparsely jieojile one and dominate ll ther. 

The land is the de-olate shore of l^ilirador. The -ea tin- 
cruel, icy, hungry net that snarls at il through the Ion;,' 
winter mouths. " The sweet wild sea." Mr. I >i M \s exclaim- : 
"loveliest iu her adoralile rae like a woman." This 
attitude, with which my Kamii'ite is not out of sympathy, 
depi-inls n|Min the ]M)int of view. It is all very Well ut; 
on land. Alniard the little sehooners in which the Librador 
tishermeii pass half their lives it is a different kind of thin^. 
The story, slight, 1 1 ca-ionally 
di-joinli-d, is full of keen s\ mpa- 
thetic touches with humanity. 
Perhaps ihe lic^inninK and tin- 
end are the l>esi of il, the hrst 
introducing the frail mother, the 
last chronicling the ileath ol that 
delightful Jiersoliaye, *>/: (///( 
fill. Since TlIM Kl - 
ir\^ wrote tin- la-t Word 

nothing lit., 
w rillen than ll 
where lli. Id ti.-hcrman 

answers the last < -all. 


.1 \xi MIY 18, 1905.] 




AN enterprising publisher announces 

;i new edition df Sn \Ksi'KMti; iii-ii<tt''l and 
/.ii/)//.s7/('(/ ill ^trillion! tmni, and actually 
"set up" in tin' very hoiir-e ot .Imr- 
SIIAW, Sush-i'i, MIL'S intimate friend and 
inn' a/ tlii' tfitneet to hit viU ! Fancy 

lliat ! It is needle-.* In dilati- on the 

excellence df text, typography, A-c.. 

assured liy these inivcl precautions. 

Mr. I'lini-li. however, feels confident tliat 
the idea may lie carried further, and 
that we shall soon hear of the following 
announcements : 

A new Standard Library Edition (pf 
I'linitlixi' L<:*l will shortly appear, which, 
it is hoped, will rapidly supersede all 
others. Mll.iox's noble epic is to be 
printed by a small portable |>ress tem- 
porarily erected on the left liank of the 
Tigris in the locality identified liy expert 
theologians as a probable site of the 
Harden of Kden. An extremely short- 
sighted lilli : rii!i'iii- holding extivmr ant i 
monarchical views has lieen seleeteil to 
revise the text, in the hope of recalling 
as far as po,sible the menial atmosphere 
of the author. 

The new selection of Lord BYKON'S 
I ms should meet with a warm recep- 
tion from critical readers. The iv\ ision 
of the proofs has been entrusted e\cln 
sively to noblemen of somewhat, dissi- 
pated habits. The Editor has qualified 
himself lor the task of supervision in 
a " Byronic " spirit by a considerable 
course of domestic trouble, followed by 
a few weeks' yachting in the Mediter- 

A new, popular, and yet accurate and 
up-to-date Natural History of British 
Fishes was badly wanted. The sump- 
tuous work now announced presents, 
to specialist and scientific readers, an 
entirely novel attraction. A short pre- 
fatory note of the publishers informs us 
thai these portly anil well-illustrated 
volumes were doubtless at considerable 
expense actually printed and bound 
uii'li'f irnli'i-. 

Italian publishers have often been 
reproached of late for not doing their 
duty by the greatest of National Epics. 
The announcement of a new, revised and 
annotated edition of DANTE'S Infrni'i 
to be entirely printed and prepared by 
first-class artificers 'ntxiilr Ilic < 'ruler of 
\ I'tiurnix will reassure foreigners that 
the resources of the Poet's native country 
are at last being fully utilised. 

Time's Revenges. 

\VA\TKH, XUIiSK for one baby, who lias 
been under nurse in good family. 

Church Times. 

Xvnt.T.'s IRONY. --Copper veins in 




["In New York, according to the police, the 
' crook ' is about the hardest worker for the 
smallest wages to be found in the city. Tlie 
nipist brilliant and successful Bank burglar 
cannot ever hope to earn more than 600 a 
year. As to the lesser lights, they do exceed- 
ingly well if they ;iverag3 2 10. a week." 

DROP the knuckle-duster, sonny, 

Fling the jemmy far away, 
For there isn't any money 

In the burgling trade to-day. 
Though I toil and slave far harder 

Than your idle artisan, 
Empty oft remains my larder, 

Empty oft my inner man. 

When your navvies lie a-snoring 

Snug and comfy in their beds, 
1 am in the streets exploring 

\\ indows, areas and leads. 
I must bear the nightly burden 

Of the rain and frost and snow 
For the miserable guerdon 

Of a weekly quid or so. 

Banks? I too had my ambitions, 
Once I dreamed my dreams, like 


Pondered on our great traditions- 
Fifty thousand at a coup ; 

But alas ! I came a cropper, 
I was pitifully sold, 

For I only found a copper 

Where I hoped for notes and gold. 

Even those who have ascended 

To the summit of the tree 
Get, when all is said and ended, 

Little, little s. d. 
Men whose talents must have made 

Rich in any other sphere 
Find their trade has only paid them 

Paltry hundreds every year. 

Sonny, do not think me doting ! 

Burgling as a trade is dead. 
Take to company promoting, 

Take to honesty instead. 
Money there awaits true merit, 

And success is yours, my lad, 
With the talents you inherit 

From your old burglarious dad. 

"A CROP EXPERT." A Professional 



.1 VM vl:\ IS. I'.MI.V 


Tito-i \\!i . carele-vd} a erted tlu- A - M"' 

II- roea is dead an- ttufficieull '" cable from 

,M<>n- for^mc-: 
. I. h.iv.- Uvn r.ven.-d l>> th- ' 

- .-hi,,- II 

.v Ill-lining -Mup.itli ' "Id 

11; th. tl:ill t -r> "f imitation . ami i nvi 

leg,. ! utue the e-t.iMi-hmei.' ' fund "i 

:ui.Nt Th.- mumli.vnt U>i. 

not committli 

111; that In- i* a Kami ami that 

ih,. j.urit. -h de-cent is .inly thinly v.-il.-.l 

rmin.itme, i:. 

Application fnr medals, which an- offered to Hriti-h an-l 

Alien- alike, -honld U- made on prim which will U- 

the public to-morrow. The li-t M .-lay. 

.l.ini. i'l- "'loll :>< "' ''* "' 

! aii<l for tin- (tHintry ami abnsid on tin- innrin' 
-lay. April 1 ; lull an "f time up I" th. 

Momlay 'I"' -">rd "ill IH- allow.-<l in th.- .-ax- ..f !. 
arising ""I "f Saturdays hrroil- fi-.its in tin- football lirlil. 
Notices inviting applications for nmlals ha\e already U-en 
:in distinguished i-cr-ons \\l. -HI i> 

aUivc t|ii.-.tinn. and we an- indebted to th.- Unior's M-cond 
footman for th.- <,p[Hirtiinity of reproducing tin- fuDowing 
'iinnications, alleged l>y him to have Uvu already for- 
warded i: invitations. The statements here 
given are supposed to represent tin- K'n>nmls on \vhicli tin- 
several appln-ant> ki.-*- tht'ir claims for a H.-ro M.-ilal. < 'm- 
or two, it will .l.vlim- to apply; ami th.- p-ntl.-nian 
signing himsi-lf " Annn." was m-v.-r a>k.-.l. II. inn-t have 
heard of the scheme through some breach of confidence in 
a rural post-office. 

For testi 

l.iy j^i^s.^ luil I un.-h.-.ith.- my JM-H in my nation's i-aii*'. ami 

: I.P ili>]--r-.- th.- darkneae of the tocidontal Pi- 

Si v iron 

In t!i- x.-r\ hour of my p.irl\'> triumph, forwhi.h I have 
\..rke.| w. h.tnl ami faithfully. U-arinj; the Ininlen ami heal 

,f the .1.. Ulirilltf t- ' ' 'I"' 

.,l,!e f..r it I tn t this 1 

ial please find enclosed cutting of German 
KAISEK'S message about me to my august Emperor. I am. 
however. Inferring the honour of accepting your Medal till 
I know more about its size. If it should assume the dim. n 
sions of a lector, it would, of course, come under tin- 

category of military equipment, and I could not in that 
accept it for my personal use any more than 1 could accept 
General STOSSEL'S waler. N' i. General. 

I have just negotiated the appalling perils of the Suez 
Canal. BOTROV-KY. Admiral. 

P.S. Kindly forward Medal to me, 
,'liniral Hn/.lll' 
Poste Restante. 
Diego Suarez, 

Madagascar (near Africa). 

Chosen to uphold my country's honour as chief witness 
of that memorable sea-fight, I may with perfect modest \ 
ribe myself as the Hero of the Dogger IJank. 1 .-hall 
therefore I* pleased to place your Medal on my breast in 
clow proximity to the one already planted there Ky ui 
admiring Admiral. Ki.vno, Captain. 

To accept such rewards as you offer is tantamount t< 
acknowledging the superiority of the donor over the recipient 
They ought to issue only from the Fount of World-Honnnr 
\Ve are therefore not applying for voiir Medal Pour le Meiite 

... .i i - i 

\\ IU.UM 11., K.K. 

Tliough unfortunau-ly cxcludetl by the exigen. 
intervening space from partici | '.-it ion in the heroic exploits o: 
my fellow-country men, I, too, liave not been idle. Scan-.-ly : 

(old of a certain H.-ro I f. name 

who a> .t national cri-i- I for. ure. 

nit i: the Kne;. 

hilled with .sin-cess, luii-l into his pre 
h.n he had Uvnele.-t.-d Ilictator 1-y p<> pnlar acclamation 
md found him peacefully a.-l.i-p. That is my |.-ition. 

|l-\ S-l! 

I h.i\e U-.-H inundated with r.ij' 
hat 1 would S.-11 '/'/,.- \l.<i-nii I S\ndi.-ate; 

i have in each instanc. Allliiein.- in f.i\mirof 

-ly. _ 

I have aivompli-hcd the heroic task of readi: 
Man from cover to rover. 

By shtvr heroi.-m I h.iu- 



M. C i: Ml 

My oflicial jxition renders the idea of a direct application 
most indecorous. _ AI.H 

1 have made the heroic resolve that, U-fore the pr.-.-nt 
\.-ar is out. Mierlnck lldmct shall have Ut-n annihilat' 
twice and for all. _ A. C. IM 

An appeal has Keen made to me to allow my name to figure 
in th- tlif I'hin: If the Kditor of this inonii 

mental work chooses to insert my genealogy where it I. 

.t right to !-. I cann him. Hut, ..luiiiiiing 

l>ulilicity as I do, I will be no party to this colossal act of 
snobl" Au; n N A-III-N. 

I'.S. If you award me your Medal 1 will make due pro- 
i in m\ will for its upkeep. 

Altruism is the highest test of the Hero. I propose to 
limit myself in future to the production of fourteen n.. 

pieces /*/ 

Q-i 1 1 nmv. 

Ha\e refrained from making the J not TOGO." 

ATON. card enclosed). 

I am returning home. 


It has been necessary fur the I "oiior of this ne-. Hern Fund 
to form.' the jmihahle numlier of Medal 

claims which he may expert. He has based his anticipations 

the prominence of ]i>ple\ names in the I' 
With the assistance of Mr. II I I S. n i M; he has arrived at 

the following fignna : 750 fooiUdl forwards, i.'iO half-hacks, 

300 had. 'I! journalists, 

50 expert aathontiea on the i the next Maaon'i Test 

> War Corri-pond.-nts lat the front . SM ditto el-e 

when-. l"i ( 'oloiiels of Vbhmteen (exclnaire ol Sir HOWAIHI 

; Auxiliary Forces, -'< I'uh- 

li>hers. l.'i Impre- hramalic Anth -r-. 1 .".."i ordinary 

anthnrs. III leaders of the l.ihcral 1'arty icxclnsive of Mr. 
WIS-IHS Ciiilti-lllll . live Tariff h'aner-. two Mistaken 
Ideiitiiic- Mr. HAIIOUI Cox, 

one Pantomime IJcfonn.-r, and one Common Hangman. 

0. S. 




GovntSOB 0! M\ V:\XMI (anxious to *i>ci;l ilm lingering guest). "MUST YOU STAY? CAN'T YOU GO V 

,1 \\CMIY IS, I! MO. 




(Before the Ball.) 
Pierrette (changing the subject after a recent tiff in which she has eome off victorious). "THIS GLASS is BETTER, ROSE. I CAS SEE 


Pompadour (seeing her opportunity). "PLAINLY, I SUPPOSE YOU MEAN." 



[Being further extracts from Lord BF.ACOXS- 
FIELD'S unpublished romance, The Great Cham, 
shortly to appear as a feuilleton in a leading 

' ' MY campaigning has not been very 
fortunate,' said MENTMORE ; 'and I am 
not so enamoured of the arena as you 
are, Sire. My mind is rather set on the 
pursuits of peace, on the cult of the 
Muses, and twenty-four hours ago I had 
a dream of settling on the shores of the 
Hay of Naples.' 

1 ' Whatever yon do,' said the KAISER, 
'renounce indolence. Action may not 
always be happiness, but there is no 
happiness without action. If you will 
not tight the French in Morocco, return 
home and plunge into affairs. That was 
a tine castle of yours I visited a few years 
ago; a man who lives in such a place 
must be able to find a great deal to do.' 

' 'I almost wish I was there with you 
for my companion,' said MEXTMORE. 

' ' The wheel may turn,' said the KAISER, 
'but I begin to think I shall not see 
much of England again. The forces of 
democracy seem to me to be stronger 
than ever, and ERKCASTLE tells me that 
your War Office are seriously contem- 
plating the abolition of all ornamental 
uniforms.' " 

:: o 

" ' Your great fault,' he would some- 
times say to BALFORTH, ' and the cause 
of many of your sorrows, is the habit of 
mental introspection. Man is born to 
observe, but if he drifts into psychology 
he observes nothing, and then he is 
astonished that life has no charms for 
him, or that, never seizing the occasion, 
his career is a failure.' 

' ' I fear,' said BAUORTH, ' that I have 
at length found out the truth, and that 
I am but a dreaming psychologist.' 

"You are a dozen years younger than 
I am, and not irredeemably lost,' replied 
ST. JOSEPH. 'Fortunately you have re- 
ceived the admirable though partial 
education of your class. You have been 

to a public school, and to the University 
I was at neither. You are a moderately 
good golfer, you have been summoned 
for furiously driving your motor-car, 
you have I am told bestridden a 
Bantam bicycle. That sickly and imper- 
fect secretion of the brain which is called 
thought has not yet bowed your frame. 
You have not had time to read every- 
thing. Take the advice of a practical 
man, drop metaphysics, shun the emas- 
culating influence of modern music, and 
go in for a course of DICKENS. I would 
not have you give up serious reading 
altogether, but remember that the droll 
conversation of a man like CATESBY is 
worth all the libraries in the world. If 
it were only for my sake, I should wish 
to save you, but I wisli to do it for your 
own. Yes, profit by the vast though 
calamitous experience which, you have 
gained in a short time. We may know 
a great deal about our bodies, we can 
know very little about our minds.' " 
"Whether from the bad news from 



[Jaoaa is. 1905. 

sial v brid .;.... [lord - | L to k :.- M H d i I hel ..llii-r ran--, that you are tli.- la-t p. r-on 10 WbOB I 

Lao MIXIM was bru-|uc. '.:.. 
-dent, only n.lding to Sir AiiHiU>PlUI8- 
who benignly saluted him. and 

refusi: di-h th 

ought I" 1 



in -rr.T.' Kii'l Mr 

\\v I- iiig and taking his hand 

with an rv| r.---ion of extreme unction 
oBtume . I '" I he right i-rsoii for you to 

,.ll,,. r -.- hablled ill a -ty to, the only ] 

,,ilv 'of - ill. and winked 

,-r. awax 
., ,,f l, r ,, WM debt 1 nrvel ran 

pink shirt, and an Aaton Villa Mr. VAX BOOM*. Had 

i l,.k- were pern it not li-eti for you I si Id have 

uned what I wa- when we tn-t met 

-. how :is not afraid of a narrow self centred millionaire. 

him. and was a High Churchman as well ing my energii- on frivolity, and utterly 

hie to the privilege of living in 

i ee Trader. k. , 
liim t< IM- jam and ptcklea, and 

asked. 'Well. MINIM, an- you going '" 
rhiirrh in that ti. '' An- lli.^ 1 tli.-. 

,,f lli.- 


t. ami 
glanced at HI c." with the eye of a gla 

tin- wornl: "f change ami 

greaS. Why. hail it not liecn for you 
1 shoiilil have at this vrry moment U'cn 

ing my fortum- on the endowment 

of a National <>|XTU lloiisi', or the 
i--tal>li-liiiirnl of fni- toff.-c raviTiis for 

I the sick and indignant p.-'r. I'anlon 
meal was over. ipwaa me if I wander in my spifch. lint th.' 

ntslpieoB, talking to hour i- lair, ami I am not altogether 

. who were rlu-t.-r.-l round 

him; MIMV. after listening grimly for 

-v moments to- their talk, suddenly 

exclaimed in a loud voice, and with the no difference. No. though you must 
groan of a rebellious Titun, ' How I have felt that I am not that n i.- 

my-elf. There may U 1 . there <loiil>tlr-- 
arr. topirs on \vhirh we differ; Imt in 
our love of truth and jusliee thrre i- 


'"Mr. MISIM!' exi-Liiinexl Lady SUM- 
DOBSE, turning pale. 

" There was a general shudder. 

! mean in Lancashire,' said V 
'and the day after a by-election. The 
whole place reeks of cotton and pros- 
lTity. 1 i lo not dislike it when alone. 
or ili Birmingham. But Sunday in a 
Fir* Trade district if, wmply infernal.' 

I think it is now time for us to K".' *aid 
the Dean of Ih HIIAJI, walking away with 
dignified reserve, and they alTdispereed." 

" ' There it is,' said ST. JOSEPH, ' 
shin? has always been our stumbling 
block. We must strike, and strike 
hard, if the Kinpire is to l>e protected. 
But how am I to strike? We have 
money and arguments. But we have 
not the men. CIIIXI.AP and YISM 
HOWARD have no magnetism, and 1 am 
itf exhausted by li^htiliK the battle 
Hingle-handeci. The gauds and spoilt* 
of office no longer appeal tome. Perhaps 
the vicissitude* of life have made me 
insensible to wliat are rail, -I reverses of 
firtune, for when a child I mneintier 
sleeping on the moonlit flags of Bir- 
mingham, with no pill- . I- mi 

I. .urine which I had j,la\r.| in some 
private thcatric-.ils, and 1 rnnenilHT it 
not without delight. l<rt us sit down. 
I feel that I am talking in an exrited. 
injudicious, > i. rhapsodical 

-train. I thought I watt calm, ami 1 
t., have been clear. But I have 
.1 sleepless night and a day of 
brooding thought ; I meant once to have 

could Ix- in>e:i>ilile to your elmjiience 
ami diemoni:' energy, still it is your 
consummate character that has jusllj 
fascinated my heart, and I have 

I prrniilted, to dc- 
you my fortune ami my life.' 

"The luscious tones of Mr. V\\ 
ltooi>i i'li's heart 

beat 80 lumultuonsly that for a moment 
he thought he would IN- o\er|iwered. 
Then, quickly recovering himself, he led 
hi.- young friend to a table covered with 
pyramids of |H>megranates interspersed 
with gentle drinks Mich as the fancy of 
America alone could devise. 

" 'I/et us drink,' said ST. JOSEPH, ' to 
i version of I^mcashire! ' 

"You will forgive me,' replied Mr. 
Y\\ Koom:, 'but I am a teetotaler and 
a vegetarian,' and with these words lie 
raised a ]>omegranate to his exquisitely 
chiselled lips." _ 

WK venture to extract the following 
short article from the l.iifrjitxil I'ufl timi 
Merturi/, with its title and sub-title: 

FlRRME!i'8 DimcfLT Twt 

The Duke of WEKTMIKKTCI nml tin' n 
>f ili>- liouw purty at Katon Hall sh..i "\,T ill.- 
pmrn-m, and in two days account"! f<r l.'.'im 

K.<r lnivii.n. in All. rt l(i.:ul, Jtl 

dewribed . n.'t til T>r n Clirmtian 


1\. Til!' Tl-IIMoMM.. 

Jabft <'"i>l>u. "f <'//>/'< &orrt, t<> tin- 
li-inliii'1 1-i-x'nlrnt* of <!r<-iit llurlri/ 
llll'l Id i;//l''l'C/l</, 

Till: Mls>i;\IH MiiNIAI. H'ND. 

1>(M( Sill i oil M*I'\M . 1 ha\e the 

honour to inform you that our worthy- 

Mr. Mis-i.M'iv having 

'ion. 1- Ir.lMl 

shortly fora higher sphere of activity. 
.f In- friend- nn-t togrthrr 
la.-t night at the " King's An 
Mi.onial to IM 

to In iv to my surpu-, I w.i- 

a.-k.-.l to undertake the <lutli-.- of lion. 

,ry and lion, ti md it i- in 

that I take the llU-rty 

of add' u. The mr<-ting dei-idrd 

i a suli.-i-ri],tion li-t for Mr. Mi- 

-i \i't s in the town and neighbourhood, 

and 1" |ii<--. -Hi him with i! 
and with an illuminated adil: 

The following is the address that was 
drawn up I may say by myself :-- 

Presented to 


tiliKU Hi IIIKY 
it tin- c.<-,-.i-i,,ii of lii- ili'|Kirtnrc from 

;. on the r. irly Ki^lit 

Years of booonnible wrrice .-. 
Uaater, to take up a post . f im-rpaaed 
repniisil)ilily at Clapliam .Innctioti aa a 
mark of their -i-ijiti, -n "f lii ('..urteay 
and Kfficii'iiry ilurin I of Office 

at lliirlry 'I'l-nniiiiis. 

Tills address will be engrossed in 
several colours and in gold, with appro- 
priate borders and scroll work las in the 
illuminated texts in our bed nor 
Miss Mll.l.lK 1'Yvi 111:1:-. at the schixil, who 
is very rlewT and artistic with her 
hands, and prc.scntcd to Mr. Ml KM-KN, 
with the jmrse. at the " King's Arms " 
on a suitable evening. 
Awaiting your reply, 

1 am. I 'ear Sir ,>r Madam . 
Yours obeilienlly, 

.1 Mil / ( '. ! 

Him. >><. nml 'I'rniKiirfr nf Iht 
.U. - ^- '"' / 1 > *! tlln ' 

to near, KIUTH KICHAKIM waa fined 20*. and 
ooata at Blackpool on Kriday. 

Tin- ali\c i- a precious example of the 
\anity of title- A- I -I, "A 

man's a man f. >r a' that." 

.\<l'li''l, in Mr. ( 'ii/ili'i/'* <ni liniiii. 

if tin- /</' 

I' S. It i> not my \vi-h to intrude 
business, but I fi-cl it Would be wrong 
not to take this opportunity of informing 
you that I have just n-ceived a particu- 
larly advantageous line of pi. 
fruits, which I ran do at extraordinarily 

low I'-niis. No time should be K-t in 


'I t<> Mr. .lulu-, i '"/'/<.'/. 
1>I Mi Ml.' Con n. I had no id. -a that 

JANUARY 18, 1905.] 


the Station muster was going. Mow 
interesting (o find lliat liis name is 
MISSI:M>I:N ! It was the name of my 
mother's lavoiirite cook. She came, I 
think, from Ksher, or it may lia\.- been 
Exeter. It is odd how long one nia\ 
live without knowing the name of our '.-. 
Station-master, although my niece tells 
me it lias to be printed up somewhere. 
like a licensed victualler's. 1 think I 
should like to try a box of the preserved 
fruit if it is really nice. 

Yours truly, 



Sir Charles Transom's Secretary to 

Mr. Jabez Copley. 

DKARSIR, SirCiiAiti.KsTK.vNsoM directs 
me to present his compliments and to 
express his regret that ho must decline 
to lend his support to the testimonial to 
the (ireat Burley Station-master. Sir 
CHARLES dislikes to see this kind of pre- 
mium put upon duty, nor can he forget 
the want of sympathetic zeal and alacrity 
displayed by the Station-master in the 
autumn of l.S'JS in the matter of a lost 
portmanteau containing the manuscript 
of Sir CHARLES' monograph on the Titvx- 
SOM family. Believe me, 

Yours faithfully, 



The Vicar of Great Burley to 
Mr. Jabez Copley. 

DEAR MR. COPLEY, I am afraid I can- 
not associate myself very cordially with 
the terms of your testimonial to Mr. 
MISSENDEN. Eight years are a very short 
period to signalise in this way, and I do 
not care for the part played by the 
"King's Anns." I am sorry to have to 
take this line ; but we must act as we 
believe. I should be seriously vexed if 
you got up a testimonial for me after 
so short a term of work. I am, 
Yours sincerely, 



Mr. Jabez Copley to the Vicar of 
Great Burley. 

REVEREND SIR, I regret that you can- 
not give your valuable and esteemed 
support to the testimonial to Mr. MISSEN- 
DEN, but I respect your motives. I 
should like to say in reply to your sug- 
gestion about a testimonial to yourself 
and my connexion with it, that I should 
never, I hope, so far presume as to take 
the leading part in a movement of this 
kind for a gentleman like yourself. My 
rule in life is that station should keep 
to station, and I trust I shall never be 
so foolish as to depart from it. But 
although I should not presume to take 
a leading part in your testimonial, as 





ONE ? " 

you kindly suggest, I should however 
contribute to it with a whole heart. 
Believe me, Yours obediently, 

Hon. Sec. and Treasurer of the 
Missenden Testimonial Fund. 


Mr. Aylmer Penistone to Mr. Jabez 

DEAR Mn. COPLEY, I do not quite feel 
disposed to give anything to MISSENDEN. 
You should draw up a different testi- 
monial for those of us who travel third- 

class, omitting the word "courtesy." I 
am, Yours faithfully, 



Mrs. Lyon Mounteney to Mr. Jabez 

Mrs. MOUNTENEY is very pleased to see, 
from Mr. COPLEY'S letter, that a spirit of 
friendliness and comradeship is abroad 
in Great Burley. Would that all Eng- 
lish towns had the same generous feel- 
ings ! Not having used the railway for 



several you*, owing U> her poor h- 

, . . . ..-'. !.'! ' 

personal teelimonial. but tic 

'VEt does oo* cere for preserved (ruit. 


v V. 


on our ntue wi 
[nary your KI Ho. 


f r. Jabrt Copfcy (o 

ofOnal Barley 


Dtu 8n (OB MADAM . I l-g to inform you that at an 
influential and representnt g held hist evening at tin- 

" King'* Arms" it wiu divided with much regret not 

rther step* with regard to the teetimofuu to Mr. '> 
no, ami to return to the several donors tin- tl 17". ('../. which 
the united effort* of myxclf and two of iuy atwiMant> haw- 

en able in tlie past month, minus an amount of 

one guinea to Miss MII.I u: KHUIHL- for work already dm i 

.tddmw, which -.inn<it. we fear, owing to tin- 
peculiar nature of the wording and its reference to riapham 
Junction, be adapted to suit any other pernm. 

If anything is now done to indicate to Mr. MissKSDts that 
Great Burley appreciates his services, which is MTV doubt- 
ful, it will be done bv a few personal friend-, at the " King's 
Anna." I may say here that I have derided under 
ditione to ever again undertake the duties of Secretary or 
Treasurer of a Testimonial, whether In.n. or even well paid 
Believe me, Dear Sir (or Madam-. n ..l--ii.-ntly. 


P& As I am now laying down for ever the pen of the 
testimonial promoter. I may return to my true vocation as a 
purveyor of high-cla** pr\ii(ions by saying that I have 
received this morning a consignment of sardines of a new and 
reliable brand, which I can do at <i}./. the box. 



ClIU'llK IX 

Time thf Forr'njn Miniftfr rarnrJ favour. 
while the international crisis deecribcd in tlic lust 

chapter was at it* mutt critical point that SIM i \ one morning 
paid her mother a viait. The Urand Lhichew (for ti. 
the rank conferred upon her by her ,.nl dutiful 

daughter) wa* living in a pleasant house situated in tin 
great Park about hall a mile from the PaLuv. ||,. r |>n>nehial 
altat-k had been a aevere one. l>ut ilie WM now almwt 
lecovered from it. nad promked aoon to be about agii: 

MAUUIIO. llamma," aai 'ing like 

health and eunliglit into the morning .t IMT 

t. ; . -.- - 

inu* younwlf. my .L.rling." aaid the Grand Duchese 
" I havee/t the tuntaat idem why you are n excitr 

" i Mi. Manuim! " Mii'l Su\u i. p; : iif'illy. "do \. u really 
mean ' " ' I"'-' 

|iiit- ivrLiin to ha\e \\:,r with the King of 
: I t " 

i ih. i- that ' her mother. heard 

.ilmnt urse." 

\i: 1 \\.- -li.ill m linn-, \irlorii-i. ah. I niareh 

ml,, I .and cli. .and iin|-ea tienieiid.oi-. 

\ the whole country and ki-ep n for 
! tin- 1 ir.nnl Ducheas pensively, "ell that 

-idle, lint, on the other 1 

"(in the other hand. \\ ' n:e,.n |.. -viy \ou 

doulit alx'iit our winning ? Why. wi- alwaj > havi- 

vM' for i and down with Eiaenblat!" 

ud In-r mother. " Hut we ha\e had unfortunate 
:liat you lm\e pniluibly never heard of." 

I the lli>I ! the 1,'Ueell. 

" You would Imd them." ^.inl lier mother. " it you e.i! 

:ln- hiftory l>...k~ "f t I'.ut 1 don't 

vanl to put it on that ground. Tell : ..dded, "what 

M- are going to light al>out." 
" ( ih. a.s to that, .-aid Sm I \. " I 'm really not ((nil. 

something to do with time tables and astronomy, 
md you know. .Mamma. 1 i,.\.r i. uM le.irn much alniui 
i>tn>n(imy, could 1 ''. " 

'h, my darling, it 's all too silly and ti> In-art lireaking. 
foil are going ' I and mi>ery and ruin and 

r. and all for what ? " 

"Tin- Foreign Minist' rved SMMV loftily, " 

ne that our |ire.-lige as a world jmwer is involx. 
"The Kon-ign .Minister." s;ii<l thi-tinind iMichess. ' 

- talks non>ens<-. You are going to send out thousands 
>f eons and husbands and fathers to kill or to l>e killed Ky 

sons and husliands and fathers who speak a dilTen-nt 
aiiguage. and all for the saki- of a i|in--tioii that m.'r-t of them 
an never understand. iKin't do this. Si-k a heller way. 
io yourself ninl -<> King Oiilo. Appeal t" his manliness 
md his ehivalry. If he should then refu-e. at any rate your 
will lie clear." 

" Do you really think so. Mamma?" -aid Su.\n 
it her mother's caniestn> -s. " Iteally." she went on retl.v 
lively. " it 's not a had plan. 5fl I'm VUT6 I -h.nild enjoy 
it inilnensely. I 'II give orders aUmt it at Once," and the 
impulnive little lady, ha\ ing omliraced her mother, -w.-pt out 
of the room. 

Now it happened that the Foreign Minister, having written 
in ini|K>rtant and desperately warlike desjiatch. had linmght 
it to the (iniml 1 >iu-hess's house for the approval of tl 
He had U-en waiting in an ante-nxim and. without intending 
it, he had overheard most of tl.' -.veen the 

Queen and her mother. Me was an ambitious man, an.. 
much store liy the favour of his sovereign. When the Oueen, 
therefore, (-.ime into the ante room he had made up his mind 
as to the course be WOuld pur-ue. even though it invohed 
the cancellation of a despatch to which, with the assistance 
of his -, he hail devoted much time and lalxnir. 

He thrust it into his c. -at -tail | .-kei. aii-l aihanced with a 

low lx>\V t<l meet the Qlllfll. 

ruing, my l/ird." Niid Su \ u graciously. " I >id 
you w ',,1-y " 

" Yon: siiid tl, 

"' Krr.H 1 have IM-CII thinking deeply 

hum hum what -hall I 
with li. . ,| iat 

it might lie well t'. ID 

more effort on In-half .if |>cace. Does your MajcMy ,i. 

fLVIi. - ! 

.l\\l M!Y 18, 1905.] 



Enthusiastic Motorist. "WELL HOW DO Ton LIKE IT?" 

" Your Majesty is of more than full age." 

" I had my sixteenth birthday last week," said SYLVIA, not 
without some haughtiness. 

" Might not your Majesty then," resumed the Foreign Minis- 
ter, "yourself plead the cause of reason and justice with King 
OTIIO ? Would you not consent to meet him ? He is young and 
impulsive, but some of his impulses are good, and," he added 
with apparent irrelevancy, " he is strikingly handsome." 

" This," said the Queen, "is the most extraordinary thing 
that ever happened." 

"In what respect, your Majesty?" asked the Foreign 
Minister in a proud voice, for he feared that he was about to 
In- accused of eavesdropping, and his patrician soul took fire 
at the mere possibility of the affront. 

" Yes," continued SYLVIA, " the most extraordinary and 
marvellous thing. I had this very minute decided on the 
very plan you have just suggested. Do you know, I think it 
most wonderful of you, quite the most brilliant thing any 
Foreign Minister ever did," and she stretched out her hand', 
over which the courtly old gentleman inclined his head until 
his lips had touched it. 

"Your Majesty is pleased to speak too highly," he protested, 
" of my humble efforts in the cause of peace and international 

" By no means," said the Queen. " I am lost in admiration 
of your skill. Let the necessary steps be taken immediately, 
for I am dying to start as soon as possible. And, by the 
way," she went on, "I shall bestow upon you the Grand 

Cross of the Golden Slipper of Hinterland. It is the highest 
Order within my gift." 

" It will make old Turniptop green with envy," said jthe 
Foreign Minister to himself, indicating by this playful title 
the venerable statesman who had preceded him in his office. 
Then with sparkling eyes he took his leave to see to the 
drafting of a new despatch. 


[According to the Manchester Guardian there are several bootblacks 
in Hungary who are doctors of philosophy in the University.] 

IF vaulting ambition should prompt you to shine 
As an artist of skill in the boot-blacking line, 
Don't fancy, my friend, that the only thing lacking 
Is a polishing brush and' a bottle of blacking. 

Greek verse is a training which nothing can beat 
For one who exists upon polishing feet ; 
Nor will he who has studied his Elides with care 
Ever find that his life is a bootless affair. 

Success isn't granted to indolent ease : 
Men are only made masters of arts by degrees. 
Yes, a college career you will find is your game, 
For culture and polish are one and the same. 

such a nice young man ! " 



aa Ift 1905. 


\\ In tin- 

JafNUMW, ai.'l th>-ir friri. 

Hg nlelv t<> Admiral 
IIKBITUBKV iu.iy up 

1 1 111 % 

had a l.uini. I.H i : 

: pressed into In,, l.r.iin. 


l.ix.4 carriaKi-i. ami 

an in.! '"'I'' 

nmlcr tl"' cliairnian-hi|. of tin- Ink, 

'I' 1 "' Rlllit> F1 " 1 ' '" " MW llir; - |ill f " r M>i witl. Japanese torpedo- 

provisions taken alxwrd at 

I'urt Said inelnd.vl :i i[ii:\nlity <.f li.incnrs 

ami ehani|>a^ne 

ording 1" 

I ho 

The German 
mo* ha our 

,, , 

Order "IVnir ). 



nouw far 

The notabilitie* 

.iiid forward' 

particular* of a 
wonderful tarn in 
tln> nky wliirli vnu 
eea at the mt>l>i|i 

that rity. Only one 
mare miracle ia now 
requirvl, and Uml 
is a victory l>y the 

AV should lie 
twice the iiiuaical 
natioa we are if 
mui*. !HT 
would insuu upon 
their |.u; 


Ki.K.i:n k !' 
" XiK at Hi>jhl i if 
to f. I li< M 

iirv.1 Fat! 


Krnt Ml int.. lli.- 

sea last v 
Ijtlle KnL. 
are naturalh 


yiy lady (prrpanng lo pay CU>y). "WHIT siuu. I GIVE UIH, Arsni?" 







an alliance 
lo I ween Itn-.-ia. 
lap an. and China, 
' with |{n--ia a.- the 
pilule and III Control 
"I tin- Yellow I.' 

Hut the Japanese 
ran hardly lie BO 
xellow an 
at the -an. e time. 



|'a\s tov 
lirilish Navy 


lli.' Syiliii-y 
Unlit-tin. s|n-akinx 
i-tialia. Hut 

tln> Ivlitor 
uf tin 1 I'nlliiiii iiiu>t 
nut jml^ 1 ' all liis 
fi'lluw - tiiiintryini-n 
liv tlios- who sul. 
-rriln- to his anti- 

The i- ha ruling 
I'n-ncli act n-ss. Mini-. 
I .1 l>\l:c.\ i~ Cl liiin^ 
I" I/imlon. aip 

ill all I..' tl' k 

illX |0 SI'I' hi I: 


" I'.-ari' a n il 

i|nii-tii.-- an- what 

1 1 ly 

- ,i 1 Mr 
lt\: l.ii n in hi- 
li at ( !la 

i lur m-w K"'i^ "ill 
not U' ready for 
two years. 

Double Trouble. 

m. v. ,. w jti, 

if I dike* are not 


1 finit-class, how is any- 

Co. liavc 

f tin 1 

r'idows. Similar ('. n 
nil to inttiiU (.: 



a dulilile of 

the ilitliculty of 

if in the forthcoming play. 

exact i-oiintiTpart (in the <lr- 
pertona) i* Mr. Til. >noi.n, Kdiiur of Tl r 

int. liiii; him lli. 
rarily MI-;- l/e-w ami Manager 'his own ilonl.le in 
i-nwionH in tli a niti-n-il 

ii* Winilil tlo the now hi>lorieal ie:naik, " If 1 wen- 
""if that I: .,! n 1 n rt.iinlv shmill li 

'he tea. I 

PUNCH, 01! TIIK LONDON CIIAKIVAIM. .1 vsi ARY 18, 1905. 



.|.\M-AI:\ 18, 1005.] 





[" The only circumstantial evidence of the presence of Japanese torpedo boats is at the bottom of the North Sea, whither the Commission 
of Inquiry cannot transfer its investigation without serious inconvenience." Timea, Jan. 10.] 


BILL BAILEY come home, has lie ? Uncertain. But what a 
character he had ! at all events before he left his home. 

" WII.I.IAM was honest, simple, gentle, kind, 
Laborious, studious, and to thrift inclined." 

e B a o 

" Constant at church, and there a little proud, 
He saii with Imldiicss, and he read aloud." 

o Q 

" The lighter damsels called his manner prim, 

And laughed at virtue so arrayed in him." 

Is this why BILL BAILEY left homo ? No, alas ! poor WILLIAM'S 
FANNY threw him over, and 

" With a small portion by a sister left 
He roved about as one of peace bereft." 

And is BILL BAILEY still roving about, or has he come home? 
For information on this interesting subject the reader has to 
go backwards a bit with CHAIHSE, among whose poems will be 
found BILL, i.e., " WILLIAM BAILEY." 


Mr. Arthur Collins: 

"An excellent play, well digested in the scenes, set down 
with as much modesty as cunning." Hamlet. ...^ 

The Daily Mail : 

" To sour your happiness I must report." Cymbeline. 
' I^et those that play your clowns speak no more than is 
set down for them." Hamlet. 

Mr. George Alexander (while searching for a double): 
"There is none like him, none." After TENNYSON, Maud. 


more fortunate than 

^E MtiiK-1/i'.iln- Krriuiitj Clirotiii-li- has a cynic on its Staff. 
"There have," says he, "been grim and ghastly tragedies 
enacted in the Tuwer, but seldom in recent years has a 
wedding been solemnised within it." "But" was a happy 

Revival of the "Buried Treasure 

GENERAL NOGI seems to have been 
Lord FITZWILLIAM in his search for hidden treasure. Not- 
withstanding the report that Port Arthur had been compelled 
to surrender through the exhaustion of its ammunition, he 
lias discovered over 80,000 shells, and about 30 tons of small- 
ami cartridges, so well concealed that even the Russians who 
hid them were apparently ignorant of their whereabouts. 

AN unofficial cable from Diego Snare/, reports the total 
destruction of the Baltic Fleet, whose Admiral unfortunately 
mistook a Japanese torpedo-flotilla for trawlers, and signalled 
to it to come alongside and supply the fleet with fresh fish. 



,.|.VM OH 18, 




i -i pi.. 

II the 

. ' . . : 

[ i . 

England in the >- 

yean before that date. < 

-Ou hcmtu. oar hopes, srr JI with thee." 

This explain* 't-I f " ll -"' ' fl " '" '"- I >rnim: 

M him i 

...-:'., . : .,.-.- 

Thia in onl > one caw. Her. 

a game of Bridge pl.iyl l>y TESKTBOS, 
iwwra.and ROKT Baowjiiv. at the 
HtoT the bat named Apparently the pLiyr* proceeded 

down their impraanona afterward* ; and an eu- 
nvea oa a anapabot of a different aspect of the game 

. -; ' ' ' ;.:- 

Weatartoff with 


At Roanr ItaowsisoV, on a winter's 
The dinner done, the women past away, 

4hen amt around the fin- and played, 
Four of our cin-lf. and the game was Bridge. 
Then WALTS* Wmm*v. that almighty num. 
He who by atroke of fate' had won the deal, 
Looked at" Ins i-.inl.-. and fouml his hand was weak. 
So in all faith he left it. murmuring " Yours, 
Brave enmanulo," and the make waa mine. 
Then mused I for a little apace apart : 
" My partner trustetli, leaving it to me, 
And trumps may be declared in many ways : * 
Diamonds or hearts if one is over-bold. 
And spades if there is nothing elae to go, 
And clubs "but here I took the cards again, 
And fell to counting up the kings and queens - 
Guarded in all but hearts, yet not an ace.' 
Then I all wrapt in this, "Get on," cried he, 
And still again " Get on " ; till all at once, 
Grasping my courage firmly in my hands, 

lo trumps," I called ; but UBOWXIMJ on my left, 
" Double no trumps." And WORDSWORTH led a heart. 4 

Next come WALT WHITHVN'S impressions. He devotes him- 
self to describing his own feelings, and does not tell us much 
of the actual play. Tnnmox has just laid down bis band. 


One hour to madneas and wrath. furious ! O confine me 

O the king of diamonds, the but twice guarded spade, the 

heart all unguarded and alone ! ' 

I am very sick and sorrowful ! the (All right, tan- 

face, I'm juat going to play). 

1 aw the two of clulm hiding in my partner's hand. 

f the dark confinement . out from In-hind the ijueen ! 
(It ia useless to protest ; I see it there, and I mean to have it.) 
Camarado, I give you my hand. Come and play the darned 
thing yourself.' 

Baommn now describes the first few tricks. 


Ton want to know about this game of ours, 
Shuffle* and doublea, leads, deals, calls an' th' like, 
at card took what, who had the ace of spadea? 
\\ . 11, this or something like it was the way : 

|..,\.- it Nona," myt \ - atout). 

I had the .iii-v " iN.tihle t,,. triimp- 

.11 dring- "lit a he.irt, and dummy - hand 
!..wn ,,n table. l>.k at it l.k a' ti.e heart! 
Tin- thr<f. .,r i-. 't the f,.nr 'f Nay. what's the odd- 

knif., ten. inn.-, ei^ht. 1 planked em .1 

:.l if the l|lleell Would fall ; 

\\ III had it why did the f,..l i, ,1 tiret?* 

IK. thistles Krow ..n bay-? YOU take the point? 
Put ca-e WH.I ha.-, the queen, with MX and live : 

; down comes the king; w here's queen w ho 

,d time the .-i\ from \\"iu. 
Ni \t n.uml \Vn.i. taki-s. Now i- this sense, I ask." 

we have WoRD8WOHH'l c< .ntribution. The s<-oring 
rather nnwis'ly, entru.-ted to him, and he appe . 
ive been in difficulties with it. 

TIIK SOUIK. Hv \Yiu.i.vy \Vouir- \vum. 

Written at KoliKlif HHOWMMJ'S on a w n it under 

.iMances somewhat remarkable. . . . My friends will not 
eei n it too trifling to relate that 1 the fii>l two 

lir-t. ( ' 'I i:i:ll.i: wi-hi-d the r.e<-ond 

f thtwe lines t" In- "The ace of x/i./f.< i- black.' but I 
hjtvted to it as iM-ing really rather ./ivt/ix/i in ap| 
whereas tile club i^ undoubtedly black. . . ._ 

1 ci.nnted up the |".mts we won, 

'Twos w. ' in all ; 

A pleasant sight it was to see 

My partner's aces fall. 

" Honours?" I said, "dear brother li-m, 
How many may we be?" 

Hundred aces," he returned, 
And smiling looked at me. 

" You say that you a hundred had? 

only four took tricks. 
Whence came, dear BOB, 1 pray you toll. 
The other ninety six?" 

"The ace of diamonds i> red, 

The ;ice of clubs is black. 
And looking through the ar - I find 

Two others in the pack." 

" 1 had," he said, " the ace of hearts, 

The diamond, club and spade." 
" Hut that," said I, " is four and not 

A hundred, I 'm afraid." 

I took a dozen difTerei. 

And showed him all t 
"I'was throwing w..r. I- away, for Mill 
Dear brother lion would have his will, 

" 1 had a hundred aces ! " 

by Mr. Punek't Bridge Expert. 

1 A poetical way of saying that lhr\ cut f.-r deal. 
1 Only Bve. 

' He should never hare dreamt of no-trumps in th< - -.incm. 

4 The American convention used, no doubt, out of courtesy to Mr. 
' Mr. Tnwnox'R going no trumps becomes all tln> m ,n- .-m |. 

A mode of address unknown at the Portl.n. I an, I nili.-r C1..I,- 

The two of clubs was evidVntlv tlir.un nu the wo ,n I ; 

ntrary to the usual etiquette of lha game. 

\- the hands were, though, thero would be no liurui in it. 
since Mr. HIUWNIXU had three certain canlx "f n- entry ; ai 
lead through dummy might be extremely useful. 

Six hearts and the other three ace 

" Mr. WutMworra seems to hare had a very ruiliment.iry knowledge 
f ' . . 




(A Sketch near Harrogate.) 


Uv 1905. 

HAI. THK III !:"l\l. 

in the I: 

I x w : 

:ly the 
-. r M. 

! . 

to an tirJsnrtfrn of 
heroine more. I nm rA. 
in >!! 

r.-.d I,. 

. - , 

ill not be sbl. 
map*, because there arc no maps of 

eftheleSB ytm probably kli. > 
village quite well. It i* the sweetest 
spot. nii-ivable kind of fruit 

and Bower flourishes there in alum 
many of them on the same IP-.- IVr 
haps this is because of the climate. All 
the snow and winter in .Mclodraiuia is 
confined to the towns, and they certainly 
get lot; but in all n. ice of 

Meadowsweet I cannot remember a day 
when the lime-light was not shining in 
oar garden, generally from two opposite 


Ah! the dear old garden ! How oft. n 
during my subsequent Acts have I 
yearned for its tranquil beauty ! From 
it yon can see the Church Tower and a 
little bit of the village street, up which 
nobody ever walks. They all come along 
by the fence and through the little 
wicket on to our lawn. Long ago, when 
first I succeeded to the position of 
heroine (which is hereditary in our 
family) I used to be astonished at the 
number and variety >.f the triple who 
would drop in during the day- soldiers, 
adventuresses, policemen, not to mention 
casual strangers with soft hats and 
bundles, who usually stand at the gate 
and soliloquise : but I soon grew quite 
used to it 

It is by no menus dull in our garden, 
M we often disinherit or make wpingful 
arrests on the lawn, but I am j.- 
say that we have never yet had a murder 
here, which is the more remarkable 
because (for so quiet a spot) the death 
rate of Meadowsweet is unusually high. 
But the lonely pool and dear papa's 
library are the most popular places. The 
path through the wood has also. I regret 
to say, been the scene of many distress- 
ing occurrences, while the rock- by the 
i a variably a fatal 

.- in t lie garden as 

I had a 


I rut** t>' smell al and 

. .Mi. I 

- humming a little Hint- 

-!> a , xx hen Mun 

\ limed 

" II. .\\ I \x i-h 1 knew what xxa- 


.MM! -'i.-!i a 1 
:i feet high, and that 

xx as almut I" 

interrupted her 

iig vxith a sweet smile. 'I his 

Init it I" ..lines a 

The Uaiilrn of IfelodnmU and the Princ* 

1 Hie* your pretty face, Miss ROSE! " 

Mm, " of course it is." 
Having observed that the envelope 

he stamp of Pantomimia, I inferred 
that it oame from a distant cousin of 
mine called Kl/> a name that fills me 
with re|'iil-ii>n ! who occupies the 
position of heroine, such as it is, at 
that plaro. 1 do not know CPUS!- 
at all well, then-fore I was astonished to 
find that the note was an invitation to 
visit her. Anyone of a less ideal charac- 
ter than mine would have called sucli a 
proposal impertinent, hut as my dis- 

| fit ion f.prres me to ilii and believe 
absolutely everything that I am told. 1 
foresaw that I should IK- obliged to go. 

' ;w I had finished reading it. dear 
Papa entered the garden, wearing a sofl 
I. at. ami tin- light tweed coat that n.nsti- 
tutes his invnriadle costume out of . 

the (lowers HO . 

Iraxxing mi- 1. 

:id iiii|irinting a kiss o\er i 

1 '.sig him to a 

a scat, when- I sank at li 
_;ainst his kii' 

i. at him with wide triihlful 
; -her. I ha\e 
I.T \Mii." 
Thereuwin I ga\e him the letter, which 

. I aluiiil id me with mm li feeling 
.\t the end he sprang up \\ith a 

the paj'T t.' li 

and staring vacanlh at nothing. Ne\l 
moiiieiit, howexer. 1 in I sal 

down again. 

lialiil. darling." herxpLiim^l. 

1 in \\ hen dear Papa read* 

a letter he iioiially elulehe- it to lii-, lm-a~t 
and xiys : "At last!" Inn in the pre 
'ent ill-tan..- such ling xvould 

have IMVII out "f pi 

( 'oiisin l-'io had written : 

" I'i rand 

l"''k I: I Mi||ie 

ripjiii,. I -tax 

for the run. Fin. 

new frocks. '1 hat 

Mack .Mn'l l- anv giKl h.-p-. 

. . i 


It is impossible to clutch a letter like 
that. The thii. . trivial, and 1 

-aid as much. 

Hut d.-ar I'aj'a relinked me gently. 

my i-hild," said lie. "and n- 
niemlxT that to one of your h.m<e 
nothing i- t.> trivial for . ata-tniphe." 

I wepta little, and then, dashing aside 
my tears, I kissed Papa with a smile and 
n-tired to make my simple preparation-:. 
Three minutes later they \\.-re com) 
and then, wearing my most !< -Mining 
hat, with a shawl over my shoulders and 
a small reticule in one hand,! 
through the garden-gate upon my long 

Cousin Fto and her parents dwell in a 
village almost as pretty as b- 

McaOOWSWe.l. li I have conveyed the 
impression that Cousin |-'i.. i.mpied a 
social {Nisition inferior to my own. I have 
been wrong. The contrary is indeed 
the case, ns my uncle and aunt, t: 
by no means wealthy, are ; !' title, 

and, I liclieve. of considerable standing 
in I'.intomimi.i. 

l?ut liet ween ]Hir dear Papa ami liis 

alder brother Riron |!I!.M:U> there has 

\i-ted any symj.athy. and 
since (he Baron's marriage xvith a lady 
whom it would ! cliaritalih- t 
iiv,.ntric the two families have drifted 
widely apart. 

I xv. i- received le. Cousin Fl/iwitlithe 
greatest xxarmth. We met in The 
Market Place, a picture-ijiie spot where 

vident that the inhabitant 

Hi.-.l to hold their fre.|iK-nt 

tO he i,,.,|.- of 

these inhabitants than xvith ns, and they 
appeared c-on-idrnilily more lively; this 

r. I attribute to their comparative 
freedom from omens ami prop! 

.i \M-MIY is. 


from which wo in Meadowsweet suffer 
tcrrihly at certain seasons. 

< 'oiisin I- HI'S appearance \vas some- 
thing <it a shock to me, the tirst of many. 
I thank Heaven that, in whatever vieissi 
tilde-; of an eventful career, sncli lias ever 
been the niodesU of my attire that few 
bare aomach as detected my boots. Even 
on the occasions when I have been out 
of my garret lodging and forced to 
wander through tlie streets in a HXffi 
storm, my principles have always obliged 
me to trail at least throe inches. After 
all, however. ( 'onsin Fi.o is the best judge 
of what is proper for herself. 

She drew me aside at once with every 
symptom of eagerness and amusement 
(alas! nothing will ever amuse me !), and 
prixvodod to unfold an idea that had 
(jceim-ed to her. 

"Rosn: -IIISIK," she 
said, "isn't it rather 
rough on the old 
boy your leaving 
li i m alone like 

"My father's 
hair," I replied, 
"lias grown white 
from unmerited ad- 

"Precisely," in- 
terrupted FLO, 
" therefore we 
oughtn't to bleach 
him any more. 
That's why I am 
going to keep him 

" You ! " I ex- 
claimed, unable to 
repress a slight 

" I 've settled the 
whole thing," said 
FLO ; " you and I 
will change places. 
The only bother is about a villain I 
must take ours with me, and that leaves 
a vacancy. But I suppose," she added, 
"you have got a villain of some sort of 
your own? " 

"Sir RUPERT RUTHERFORD," I replied, 
" persecutes me with his loathsome 

" H'm," said FLO, "that sounds all 
right. Can he ask riddles? " 

"Riddles! " I repeated aghast. 

"Why did the fly fly, and all that, 
you know. Our own villain is awfully 
good at them. But hullo ! " she exclaimed 
suddenly, "what on earth is this?" 

Turning at her words I saw beside 
me the dreaded figure of Sir RUPERT 
He was in evening 
a small case for 

"Is it," said FIJI, glancing at his plea, on the part, of the President, and 
attire, "a conjurer? " 

'Sir Hi PKKT," 1 exclaimed, "cease this 
unmannerly persecution ! Leave me, 
1 entreat VOT ' 

He smiled cynically, and lighting a 

others, for the resuscitation of 
ATIIKXHS, 1/ixi.ixts, AHKIAN, and similar 
authors hitherto ignored by the average 
schoolmaster, i \Ve were siirpri.-ed that 
tin d. 0111- of T/.F.TZE3 and the Catomyo- 

(lung away the match with an mwh'm of TIIKOI* iiti s I'rociloi'lluiiltoMi - 

air of insolent opulence. 

"Adorable creature! " he hissed, ''why 
seek to avoid me ? Why aggravate my 
pa-Mon with delay ? Why 

"Evidently," said Fl.0, "it can ask 
riddles ! See here," she continued, 

were not in-isted upon ; but let that 
pass.) From a very full agenda paper, 
however, the following subjects for dis- 
cussion were unavoidably omitted : 

1. That the German EMPEHOR ho en- 
couraged to add to the gaiety of nations 

RUTHERFORD himself, 
dress, and carried 

cigarettes which appeared to have con- 
stituted >his sole luggage. Horror! the 
unscrupulous aristocrat had followed me 
to Pantomimia ! 

turning to Sir RUPERT, "you come with with some further Latin telegrams, 
me ami meet our own villain before he '2. That sporting reporters and lady 
quits ; IIOSIK had better stay here to novelists who have got as far as to use 
greet the Prince on his return from the terms "J. Pluvius," "Old Sol," 
hunting." " omnibi," " apparati," " vade inecu" 

The Prince ! How my little heart and the like, be elected honorary mem- 

bers of the Asso- 
ciation, with a view 
j to their further 
education, or early 
! extinction. 

3. That "Howl- 
ers" be recognised 

' in future as an 
important branch 

] of the Academic 
scheme, ranking 
side by side with 
" Wranglers ; " the 
howling examina- 
tion to be conducted 
in dog-Latin by the 
Proctorial bull- 

4. That a Pro- 
fessorship of 
Thieves' Latin be 
instituted in the 
new Mile-End 
Hostel of London 
University ; fees to 
be paid in kind by 
diligent students 
after a hard day's 





bounded at her words ! Baronets I knew 
and dreaded ; towards elderly Earls I 
entertained an emotion of almost filial 
respect ; but never hitherto had I en- 
countered an actual Royal Highness. In 
the tumult caused by her announcement 
I permitted Fix) to depart without com- 
ment. She was leading Sir RUPERT, who 
looked a trifle bewildered, by the hand. 
(To be continued.) 


THE Classical Association of England 
and Wales, under the presidency of the 
LORD CHANCELLOR, has just concluded a 
congress at University College, London, 
at which the proceedings were enlivened 
by a magic lantern of the latest patent, 
a conversazione (in English), several 
quite cheerful stories, mostly at the 
expense of the insular classicist, and a 

work in crowded public gatherings. 

5. That the so-called "dead "languages 
(and more especially that of Rome) be 
repaired, revivified, and generally 
brought up to date, so as to hold their 
own as an international medium in lieu 
of Cornish, Irish, Esperanto, or any such 
desperate resource. The grammars to 
be simplified, better behaviour to be 
introduced among the irregular verbs, 
and BALDUS to be deterred from building 
walls and to adapt himself to motoring, 
marconigrams, and aerial navigation. 

6. That, if the British pronunciation 
of Greek and Latin be further continued, 
similar privileges be extended to the. 
students of French, German, and other 
barbarian tongues, so that schoolboys 
should be taught to say " Allezz-vowse- 
enn," "Jay, itch haybe jenugg," and so 
on. English will thus become the 
world-language, [and a classic in its 


un 1>. . 

V -. MUMxinonl in CM ij hi* Adrtfi Out 

i* wonan on who bo*u lh*t her ten month*' old baby 

- ukm tu i?U. 

Tif.i lit. 

I nee thw. in my f.m. v . at th. 



iiiied. .mil iHis.-ilily M.i. -t 
--.iidi u| n tin- ('mutable. 

; ... . ... 

\i I- >' lalace or l'a\ilion, 

Ami : (Hitent l.n-vv 

lie/ore Uie rapturous plaudits of tin- Million. 
I aee tbee, after sev. nt sumn 

Engaging in the S/..i <' page 

To drink :i of U-er 

i fifty pounds, at any weight or age. 

And ih. .11 wilt live a life of litjuiil eaae, 

know tin- thr Milan's futile PTT.iinMe 

To get his beer wash.-d down liy I. read nnd cheese; 

..III iho I{i-v. Mr. I'AlirtlHX.) 
But like that vinous \i-ti-r.\n Silcnus 

Tin m 'It ION! thy days in moist and plenteous cheer, 
Till cither Tii |<ramv r<hall wean us 

in all tliat i, or ap|*Ttains to. llet-r! 


OF Letttrt and Krfollretion* <>f Sir \\'nllrr ftt (Svrni. 

, with few .-\. i-pii.-.,- tin* l.iiii-r an- the more del<i-t;il>le. 
Tbe World Would not have Uvn the p.-.n-r had a hatch of 
the earlieHt letters IMI-U left in the olwcurily of the owner's 
desk. "My dor Mrs. HH.IIKS. 1 am cv rry to hear 

you have been - r> unwell, ami that your imli>| 
should have interf. n-l with your delightful inusieal nl- 
is a general lota to your frie: .-n fnnu the j>en of 

the author of the Waverley NM\,-IS m\ Ummiu* fimls this 
remark only feebly stirring. There an- many akin to it in 
the opening chapters. The conventionality is fully atoned 
ii the correspondence subsequent to the UOKBTABLE| 
crash. These rercu tjonrr in the true nohility of I, 
plucky though downfallen, intent on redui-inK |J \ 
arising frutu the aliiMwt barbaric bospiuility of Al.l~.t.-f.>r.l. 
resolved to devote hi* labour and Ins life ID meeting 
financial responsibilities overwhehning him through no fault 
ofbiaown. Certainly not in h: ..d rarely in the wider 

field of hunmnity, has there been a nobler HJMI i. ,.-],- than that 

im SODTT, hampered in ineonH, t-ruxhed in 
(ailing in health, doggedly writing to IKIV off liahil. 

ue found hinuielf enmeshed. The diaries jot led down 
by Mrs. Hrone* dunn^ two successive vuuU U> Al.i 
are full ..f good sturie* told l>\ ln-r hunt when he wa- suiihin^ 
bis genial nature in Most pathetic 

it bar account of In final < Stm [ 1 

departure for It.. ss, he seemed 

to drag his limbs along. A sort of m. 

1 look i ! hung 

I he mighty one fallen. 

lull i ncli-hman the nan. f Few- 

! l.y other, nut 

tiiiental i . irh.-t k 

-li-hman ihe truly Mrr 

.id, of th. 
l.ind. in j.iililic and Ids ||,e I; 

Qallei? possesses in the l'i-i,:<i S. .V.; 

his i Inlst nin. ,11- , f thr Wallace 

: >i-tio|| of two 

I .v <!i viM-i. -.1-11 at SVaddeoden whilst Kinm 
l.'oin-. mi h vva-siill with M- in hi- favourite, ha i 
of week end h \Vn | IVM 

Tin- fai : ; n- lime 

:ioii I iv his c irymen and the w..rld at 

llj n.-v.r knew him. Certainly h. 

me in M,>,l,Tn I'n'mtrr.*. It : ihat, 

though Of Austrian M..M|, he was U>rn in \'.-;i. -.- iu 1711,'aiid 
lied therein IT'.*.".. I'.ut 

ive unknown. Mr. SIM collected 

material- fora life of the painter, founded on or ;rch. 

The work is excellently done. lm| the charm of the volume, 
to the publication of which Mr. Mum . lull honour. 

will U- found in en^ravin^- of the 

Thei. marvellously repn iu< , d. carefnllv 

mounted, deh'-l, I- to the eye. (it \tiin foumi his 

siilijeit- in Veiiiei-. whose stalely buildings, w. ,jnjr 

waler-wa; nerej 

arc 1 duced. It is tanlalisii . i th,. ,, \i ,,f ;l 

eontmet signed l,y the painter in hi- >ev.-ntieih - i.-l,y. 

in exchange for the sum of 20, he under! i ,n;t four 

picture! illu-lratin^' the \isit of I'M s VI. to Vei 

Mr. ' HliY ave him.-e If a first rate cha< 

chieviM --vviih a sen-ational novel when he 

i, with of coiir-e Kiis.-ian police, and i, 

Silx-ria a- the r the meli Klramalic action of his plot. 

Add to thi.- a hidden tiea-uie lie ( |ii.Mihe.| l.ya dyin^' man 
to his U'liefactor who. U,-omin K suddenly an almost ho, 
invalid, is compelled to i-.nlide his Mi-ret to a rather ordi- 
nary person, xvhom lie has accepted as his son in law. and who 
isassisted hy a kind of "comic relief" uncle. Tl,. In S,,it,' uf It,,- <';, - rather a taking li; ,,',,1,. 

Usher, JOBII I/.M.. inn.-t have thought -though a- a matter of 
fact the (V.vli. to whom allu.-ion n.,|| v niade. i 

appears; while the hidden In-a-iire. of which we hear .-.. much, 
uncommonly well concealed that il ne\,-r turns up at all ! 
In fact, towards I he clo-e. when the villains are reaping i In- 
n-ward of their villainy, when the fair damsel i- re-cued : 
the toils, and when the excited reader -ay- to himself, " S 
for the i: ihe author suddenly c'los.-s the U.ik.and 

ahsolutely makes no further mention of th. 
Hut the treasure?" expostulates the reader. " Tn 

is Mr. (Jiv BooiBBT; "oh, yes, of course. Ah. well 
know, it was a M-eret trea-un-. wasn't it ? Yes \ 
Then we will keep it s.vret and 
KIV no more aUnit it. Mum's 
the word." Now, had either 
<;.Mti\r. or hi \u-, K ,,\ himself 
into a difficulty of tin 

: in. In all. .11 would have 

to the efi.i-t that 

i I- rs, wishing to | K > 

I on such an ini|KirlanI 

' await the pul.lie.i- 


', when their 

would U- ^ratified. 


JANUARY 2">, 1905.] 




rather fancies liinivlf in tlic style of 
tin- lat<- lluiuni) ,lEHi:i;n .-. 

I\ this wooded country niglit appear^ 
to fall >lo\vly. Perhaps it is that In tlic 
dead January \\cathcr the light in and 
round the woods is never very clear, 
.mil that, as night draws on. some light 
is lii-ld and ivllccted in the golden >heen 
of the fallen ash leaves, and BO, as it 
were, prolongs ihe dusk. 

Here, on the north -ide ol' the great 
wood, it is peculiarly still, and. as I 
wait in an alible between a giant beech 
and the .crumbling wall of the old 
Roman camp, ohjeets across (lie fields 
,-lou l\ IOM- their definition. 

l'',arly as it is, the note of the nightin- 
gale lloats from the coppice above. and 
the regular swish of the scythe in the 
meadow below can he distinctly heard. 

Presently, from the corner of th< 
great wood, a hen pheasant hops out to 

her evening meal, followed by her 
dc\oted lord, and ere long the whole 
covey rise and wing their way to their 

resting-place in the wide stubbles 

Still and dreary as woods seem in 
winter, it is only so to those whose ear- 
are untuned to Nature. Ill the beech 
above there is a faint rustle, and yonder 
by the knot-hole appears the lithe reel 
body of a stoat, busy feeding her young 
on the abundant liecch-ma>t and acorns. 
The rabhits seem everywhere; country 
people still maintain that two or three 
of these faithful little animals inhabit 
one hole locally called a " bury." 

From helow comes the fwitfall of the 
keeper a strong and wholesome man, 
surely, with his hounds clustering round 
his feet. The sportsmen, bending under 
their load of game, have crossed the 
park to the great house. The sport is 
over; the game has been counted amid 
the lusty and well-earned plaudits of 
the beaters hare and grouse, partridge 
and rabbit, and their blood stains the 

A little later, and fresh from his 
burrow under the old crab-tree comes 
Red Reynard ; with easy springs he 
crosses the meadow, and woe betide the 
rat or mouse that crosses his path this 
night ! As I stand, his deep buying 
voice drifts through the coming dark- 

Another visitor, this time daintily 
crossing the ride at my back; surely no 
animal has so beautiful an eye as a hare. 
Encouraged by the stillness of all things, 
she stops and gracefully performs her 
toilet, softly laving first her ears and 
face, and then her body, in the sedge- 
grown brook. At the clank of the gate, 
as the keeper leaves the wood, she is 


Befogged Pedettr'um. "C'i'i.o YOU DIIIKIT MK n> TIIK IIIVKK, I'LKASK?" 
Hatlea and dripping Stranger. "SlUIOR ARBlD. I'VE JUST COME FROM IT!" 

instantly in her burrow. Hares, unlike 
rabbits, rarely make a bolt-hole. 

The gentle wind that has swayed the 
topmost boughs of the trees is stilled ; 
the mist slowly rises from the brook, 
veiling the alders as it were in a silvery 
shroud ; the fern-owl chants out his 
requiem to the dying day ; and so night 

maker in Poplar went from a junior 
| Scholarship to an intermediate, and 
( then a senior, and in his very first year 

at Cambridge took his blue (cheers). 
, Could he have done that if it had not 

been for the public library?" This is 

indeed a fine tribute to authors like Mr. 

F.I ST-.CE MILES. Or was it a chess blue ? 

MR. WILL CROOKS, M.P., recently 
opened a new public library, and is 
reported by the Standard as having said 
that " two years ago the son of a boiler- 

A propos of the announcement that 
H. B. IRVIXO is to appear as Hamlet at 
the Adelphi Theatre (date unfixed) : 

' Not AaiORATn an AMI:RATH succeeds, 
But HARRY HUSSY."- -2 lien. IV,, v. 2. 




.- -till I 

i: . '> 



M li.-.ll 

: spot was tin-:! 

Tlic penVdlc 1 1 LI X i!- < ilii hen. 
k. tin- lilu 


!iii< satyr 
alenut, I.I!N 

All day. ami loude-t :ifl.-r 'l.irk, 
r -linll and pac*-def)n 
Would re.ich iui far an I : ,rk. 

It WM H.I poignant, a annoroud. 

Ilu r.-iif i- tin', 

\Vl \villi hc.iv.-nly \viui~. iiafr.iye I. 

udnuiH of pr.i 

Swept up tin- KiirhiiK'ton A: 
And if you aak. " When- springs the rill 
That law* ill.- l..--al Mils.-'- Mount 

will IN- thought .in initiccile. 
Ami tulil l try tin- Sh.ifte-ibnry Fountain. 

I II.IM- u friend that lately finiiiil 

A pilgrim. CHUM- fniin oversea, 
Pacing. * if on holy r mini. 

The cUrim of The AlUmy. 

Kixht here. Sir. I 

Your Brili-h MoH i- still In -ale I? " 
Wliereut the other made DO sign. 

Deeming hi* man inebriated. 

Where lie< il,,- tin. , is an- thus? 

irth of topics':' Sun-l) 
Why. wjial about th Motor-bus. 

The TuU- nnil Hri.ltfr uml I/Art Nouveau ? 
May not tl- I : liiul 

In*pirinK ttuff in in >li-m niovi-.iM'nU, 

-.inly niii(l<-igned) 
u in ihingH likr Sir.iml 'iinpnireiiu-ir 

- ! the evil lie* within ; 

:h.- biHt fur higlu-i 
DMHOO (> debuted * to um 
rtune by Mate more fncile 
<ly to poach the hrx'T l<uf. 

mg men who iiu^lit II.IM- m.i 
I r f.-r i.. tout, or tyjie, or i-h.uiff. 
Or ride u rnuta on funeral honrioi 

this M why no Umls c. 
li focmrr . 

11 til.' |K. 


ll.iliitn.illy .|nl u on 
A i 

f mil not ih 

\it , 

t , 

liLu-k u illi au^i- 



t'im-iii: X. 
.1 M'III 

Till i-l de.-id,-,| l>\ a:i I with the 

advii-c of her Miui-iers to propane to the Kin- M a 

a i-tiiix '" r ih' 1 friendly discussion of the dilliciiltv 

twi-rn their : 

by the population of Hinterland with extreme astonishment. 
Nothing in their past history had prepare I them for anything 
but a warlike ,t of a ipiolion which had a 

dimensions so ^n-ai and bristled with complications 

d. Whea. however, tin- ^r.-al ollicial m 
divlarcd IB a double-leaded leading article that il had foi. 

past that events were inevitably moving ill this 
direction: thai, as a matter of fact, no other method ,,f 
adjustment had ever IM-CII contemplated or thought possible 
by Her Majesty's :nl\ i-ers. and thai il redounded much to the 
t^iD-cn s ere lit and would, indeed, r.-llis t indelible e|,,rv II|H.II 
her to have chosen the exact p-M-holo^ical iiionicn: 

a which would ]irobably have llie eff.-ct of 
two urea I nations from the dreadful horrors of war 
why, then it be^an to | H - realise I by all lint the dr. 
one for applause and not for censure. Therein to be 

llie wonderful sp.i-taele of a whole [K-ople rushing 
precipitately from a sanguinary and overmastering ile>n 
Ulttles into a passionate adherence to r 

peace. To to Bare there were one or two trillint; exceptions 

to the chorus of |>niis>. An evening paper, for instance. 
which Combined no reputation for wisdom ,.r ^ooil taste with 
! a small circulation and a lar^'e measure of insul. 
aolenmly that if such things as t: done in the 

it shuddered to think what ini^lit hap|ien in the dry. 
For i'-.-lf, il continue)!, it would the la-l a 

c-riminal a surrender. Was it for nothing, then, it naked in 
bdignant tpBea, that the great Field Marshal, the hero, .fa 
hundred victorious kittles, had b.-e i summoned from his 
leisured retireinenl, that the manhood of the country had 
tn>|.c I to the colours, and that all the war , had 

bidden by those who were in the counsels ,,l the War 
< Klice to prepare tlieirscr\ ice uniforms;, iid iheirotlicial bad. 

' There can In- but one explanation," it concluded. " The 
Ministers have sold their country, and made the ".hie.-,, a 
hnguing-etock. We demand their immediate impeachment." 

Nobody, howerar, took so much notice of this | HI|l> i 
ini^ht l- involved iu breaking the windows of the editorial 
office ; and when the poet Laureate, ill . 

painful sincerity they were published at one shillini:. bound 
in while and stamped with dove, and olive branches m 
..n I ioth i overs when, as I sa\. the !',..( hum-ate impl,.;. 
liilil who iwiyi the M- 

I: .Lily in ,, L..I-I.T n malclilcM ,! 

l-aiv uml j 
.1 was ackm,wl,Ml k vd that he had once a-ain interpreted with 



^,xm,-;.- (: ""'' /; ''"'' v '' / ' " / '"" /1 - " T wisn : COULD FKD A DOUBLE TO TAKE MY 
I \j.\( r, L.\ I 1 1 L HOI SI',! 


[../.</( ' 'liil,;,l,; M.I:, in Mrs. Tin II.-II.N'S invel (alM. il I,. U- drainatisixlj lias a tlouLle who acts as Ins substitute in Parliament.] 

JANUARY 25, I'.iuY 



.1/1/7x7 da miillu-i; i/7/u //</ j//t rear? announcement of forthcoming local dog thov). " On, MOTHER, DO LET 's SEND ' SCAMP.' " 

an inspired exactness the sentiments of the immense majority 
of the population. 

Thus it came about that when SYLVIA set forth on her 
expedition she \vas acclaimed by an overwhelming demonstra- 
tion of national joy. The houses burst out with bunting, 
arches of imitative masonry sprang up in unexpected 
thoroughfares, strong men shouted and wept, three old ladies 
of the working-class broke through the cordon at different 
points and endeavoured to kiss her hand, and the Lord 
Mayor, having delivered an address at the railway station, 
pn-hed Forward his reluctant five - year -old daughter to 
present the Queen with a gigantic bouquet of lilies and 
white roses. In fact, everything showed that the great heart 
of the people had been deeply moved. 

The place chosen for the meeting between Queen SYLVIA 
and King OTIIO was the historic town of Acheval, which 
stands, as it were, astride of the frontier line dividing the two 
countries, half of it being in Hinterland, while the other 
half was in Kisenblut. In the midst of it is laid out a 
noble garden extending along the frontier and adorned with 
pavilions and trophies of both nations. Here the Sovereigns 
were to meet anil decide. There had been some natural 
trouble at first in fixing an hour for the interview, for the 
question of time, as you will remember, was the very origin 
of the crisis. A spirit, of accommodation had, however, 
prevailed, and, alter minor concessions on the subject of 
hours and minutes had been made (without prejudice) on 
both sides, this important matter was finally arranged to the 
satisfaction of everybody. 

Punctually at the time appointed SYLVIA arrived in her 

portion of the town, while at the same moment King OTIIO 
steamed into his. Ten minutes afterwards King OTHO, in 
the uniform of the Hinterland Fusiliers (the Die-Hards), of 
which he was Honorary Colonel, and attended by a numerous 
Staff, called at SYLVIA'S Pavilion and inscribed his name in 
the visiting book. Half an liour after that Queen SYLVU, in 
the uniform of the Eisenblut Lancers (the Ever Triumphant), 
of which she was Honorary Colonel, returned the King's visit 
at his Pavilion. Both sides then retired for refreshments, 
and an hour afterwards to the minute the real business began. 

It was, if I may say so, with a beating heart and the 
Foreign Minister at her side that SYLVIA at last found herself 
walking to the meeting-place in the centre of the garden, 
while in the distance might be dimly descried the figures of 
King OTHO and his Minister advancing with a similar in- 

" Your Majesty," said SYLVIA'S attendant earnestly, " will 
not forget to insist on the importance of the astronomical 
tables which my department has drawn up. Our whole case 
hinges on them." 

"The astronomical tables ?" said SYLVIA vaguely. "Did 
you give them to me ? " 

" They are in your Majesty's muff," said the Foreign 

" Yes, yes, so they are. I hope I sliall remember every- 
thing," said the Queen.. " I shall certainly try to. Well, he 
really is very good-looking. Announce me," she added with 
that dignity which was one of her strongest characteristics. 

King OTHO on his side had been not without some anxiety 
as to the interview, but when he set eyes on the beautiful 


haul gavr a Imp nu<l lie 

xx ill 


in |-i~ed In xxink 

kl -tatminnn hi- 

; Quten w* pre~ 

M.-W I ki A I. ui I -h.dl not my. 

:.;-.. : I 

all tlinr 

R brforr it . inn- lu .in 
gam mppran-d. and 

.in. I (lint the Kiti xxi.n in (In- !.i| I 
> ,nl. .rim I it 
1 'rtfo. " In kiwi 
I .mi lien." 


II talk 

" Ami a (Juecn and sister 

\e moat not inflect the rules." 
:-*e. in accordance with tradition 

- M\ ill N mie dismay. "1 have 
1 MI m MII the i| ue,t i..;i 

inn nf the time t.idle- and all that." said 

til" K: . . t|i;i|. 1 have deride I. I 

wilhdi it>rylhiiiK *hall lie as In-furo." 

I S^l.x ix. 

>', " are very Ixxiutiful." 
wa peace acaured l>eixxe.-n Hinterland and Kise-ihlut. 

rustic mesmiirrs have IKYMI takon in 
of the row notorion 

ihe .\Y,r.-.l//, / '.I it,, .l,,,,rilfll. " Tile 

i ill.' -hire in Sli.nday. and ak.nt 
hack anil two nn f,.,t were anne<l 

*ith ffttiw." This i in. I.-- 1 to "Cn- Imvoe ! ami let luoee 

-i-ii-h liy which ue iilentifv animate 

immmliiifTS as in the phnKB, " The 

or "'Hie (ialler\ howled" nuiyini-ilx 

ThiiK. the BxAnt a,,-l \I,,H : '- 

\ I ll vinr. in K ..| . .wlilioii. III. 

.HIT ; |unkr*t end r^fr. UTH few 

tneUmrn* rJI 

wortn, IU. IW. 

'he . 

.1 <-.inl i if inxiiatioa to dinner, and 
allx IIH.|.T|III,-| ./." 

in. I MiiMinal.l. 

c kmd ami an< -ien't 
if. O ni *lr 

hiiiK an . 

fur Inf.. 

oddbd -n I|KT h,,e. ,,f the ri,,i,i,. i ,, rk 


'mt I.Urubhrr Bdlraw. Hotel Pn. 



Till .i^e nn hi.- l.ixx Ix | 

( f InMai innocence and la-k nf enlture, 

.III. the III.. I. -Ill X4-l.ll ll.llll- 

if Ix.n-doni. Mm-., and mental (I 

Th.i' l -it. -i - like the mythic x ultnre. 

r fnini Piu-oiiniKiiiK his j.m.ile VXIB 
He ha- .1 plan In di ipale them fnllx . 
^ lien he i- dull. In- lake, .1 eluli and 

( IT t" til. velliellt of lll>- 

And him for n-fre-hmeiil where he'.- w...llv. 

n.d l.ixx- that yirde In- noLliT kin, 
i fnun liirlh. whii-h all e\|.erieiii . 

ii di-<-i|.|ine. 

iinemliarra^-e I i r.-aini.- honours in 
The lirearh, and ipiite in ^li-ri- them in the In. 

BoUinfl ill' minio de.-t iiiiniiiiiim enough 

Tnxive him due protii-timi from the weather, 

He ll. units, dex-oid of artificial -l.mxh. 

Hi- highly liurni-hed .-nil of native huff, 
With, noxx and then, a ceremonial feather. 

When in hi- easy Prime', in-l, ,ri. .11- ni,,n 
Touched totl.e he.irl liy l'ii|.id'.- xvanton .r 

It di. - in it make him sign, or -ulk, . 

A- xxe d.. ..r affront the -oleum Moon 
With MTcnades that chill tli. ladx '.- : 

Our ordered ritual of j.niyer- and \. 

And ,-oft jH-rsna.-ix. ,.,; impre-.- him; 

No. When he w-es a likely lonkii 
IV luiys her at her market r.He in CO 

And never thinks of //,-,- ,,|,inioii, 1. 1. 

Nay. more. While you and 1 ..... -t re,t n nt<-nt 

\|.|iarently with lie dome .tic chattel. 
The unin-tnii-ied pluralist may M-nt 
His iiiitunil polygaraislic U-nt 

flen and iis lontf as lie ha, latlle. 


The la IK in r nf the field.- to till the ground, 

Tn reap the fruit, to i;uard the herds and H,* k . 

With n- the .1. rin r .-e\'- daily round ; 

Me. hy a mastery too rarely found. 
Commits the toil to his coniiuhial pp 

And thus he lives unrlia.-leise I l,\ the rod- 
Thai Fortune pickles for th, luck of 

'lln-vxoiM and luppieBt) of moral ckxfa, 

He never knew his duly to hi- '!>. 

And wasn't taught his duty tn his npighlx.ur.] 

<> Kj-iiders, we are very wise, no doiiht : 
\\e know a jM.xver of science, art. and let:. 

nut if you mme to think the matt, r nut. 

The iirtle-.- wihlliny knoxx- hi, xv.iv al 
As well as any of his cultured k 

He never thinks ,,f uhat he "c:ui'l afTnrd " ; 

Mi- lailnr's hill appr^ii-he., the ideal ; 
Me doe-; nn wnrk. and yet i- n ,.\,. r k,,, 
And ha-. k-x,,nd all doiiht ,, r ,, ..... ,ti,,, 

In havm nhrd th.. PP.I.I,.,,, H- 

And ,.fl. xxl,en sorrow l.ids i 

All thai he ha-, and I have I.. -I 
I f'-el Ihal I am lir.-d nf | N -in^ v 
An.) the xain, hungry, xxi-1, k-iN-'i,, : 

lhat I wprelem laborioaal] cL 

I 'i vi I ii xi. 

JAW u;v 25, 1 '.>"">. ' 



As SDH c (liilllil prevails, l-\cr|.l per- 
haps in clubs, about tlic latest inles, \v<> 
have much pleasure in publishing them. 
\Ve think they will add to the amenities 
dl' the name and greatly increase the 
enjoyment of the players. 

llitiiiiiii/. The dealer's partner, after 
exposing his hand, has no part in the 
game, yet on no pretence \vliate\er 
except M at the end of this law) is he 
allowed to leave his seal, or to look over 
his adversaries' hands, lie is entitled 
to -ay "Having none?" should the 
dealer renounce, lint \vith this exception 
lie must not speak, move. COUgh, snce/.e. 
wink, smile, laugh, or make any noise 
or movement whatever. (If the players 
are ladies the dealer's partner is allowed 
to speak. Iml not more than ten words.) 
Should lie do any of these things the 

adversaries are entitled to blindfold liim 
with his own handkerchief, to gag him 

with his own pocket pcia-,1 or penknife, 
and to lie him to his chair with anti- 
macassars or with strip.; of window - 
curtains. If the players are ladies the 
adversaries are entitled to call her " a 
person." He (or she) is, IIOWCM r. 
alloue 1 to rough or sneeze if he can 
show a doctor's certificate to prove that 
he is justified in doing so, and it is 
usual for the adversaries to raise no 
object ion to his blinking his eyes, if it is 
natural and simultaneous, and in no 
way resembles a wink. Moreover, Ii2 
(or she) is allowed to leave his chair in 
certain circumstances beyond his con- 
trol, such as: Apoplexy, Collapse of 
the Floor, whether clue to jerry building 
or the weight of the players; Distraint 
of his Chair for Education Rate, 
whether he be a Passive Resister or not; 
Karthciuakes ; Explosions; lire, in the 
same building ; "Pins and Needles " in 
his foot in this case only with the 
consent of the adversaries; Revolver 
Shots, as in mining camps and other 
unsettled districts ; Riots, if immediately 
outside; Shells, if falling on the house 
during a bombardment; and Tidal 

Trlclm liinii'd. --Once a trick is com 
plete, turned and ([iiitted, it must not be 
looked at until the end of the hand. If 
however an ace should, when turned, be 
found to have a pattern on the back 
quite different to the other cards, the 
players shall count their cards, and the 
one having an extra card shall be forcibly 
searched and compelled to eat any other 
aces found up his sleeves. The partner 
of the dealer is allowed to leave his chair 
to assist. 

/iVroAr. 1 f a player revokes more than 
live times in two consecutive hands the 
other players are entitled to kick him on 
the shins, without undue violence, or, if 


.V/K.s Smytlie (organising a subxfriptltm dance}. "I'M IN DESPAIII ArouT oi'R D.'.N E, Mil. 



the players are ladies, to scratch her face 
gently. If all the players revoke more 
than five times in one hand it is advisable 
to stop the game. 

An Echo of Mile End. 

STRAUS shows 

How the wind blows. 

N.B. At the risk of spoiling the 
grammar of the above poem, our readers 

are invited, out of compliment to the 
nationality which Mr. STUM'S claims, to 
give a British pronunciation to his 

A HEAVY SI.EKPKR. "To-day's Mar- 
seilles boat express from London will 
be an exceptionally heavy train. The 
Duke of DKTOXSIHRE will be among 
the passengers." Manchester Courier 
of Jan. 19. 


25, 1905. 









i -xople are talked 

reixu, and the other 

.Ik it all 

. it. 
\ l. 

, m\. 

It i- \ery di- 
.leclme an 
: ut 1 have 

- who go to all the 

wall becrasel 
are coming fra 


Mn. Montgomery Hopping. 
MUHM. In rrply to your esteemed 
of the 22nd we would suggest 
queneUft de volatile mix rhampiyiton* as 
one entreV and rif tie watt a I' Amandine 
aa the other. The two waiters will 
to you l>\ i -t"ii \Veare, 

.n. faithfully. 


that we have an el 
lor the .">lil w 

off. 1 am so very sorry, and I 

will never U- so i-arelcss again if you 

me another chain e ! U-licxc 
..r Mr-. ll"i ; 

Yours very truly, 


(Viiioii liatli to Mr. Muntijtinn ri/ Hopping. 

Mt DeAR(MKi. H.HM-IM., I \.-ry deeply 
regret to have to write as I must; but 
we are all servants and at the merry of 
our masters, and the Hi.-hop has ju-t 

r\iuin- either the :he waiters 

for the . r .ih. 


Miff 1 

l\j 'i 

This hou-- i-n't lit to live in. I 
one whn v\a- iiiMlol ha- haeki-d out. 

pi .ild < Slum.-. 
:' off Koiii^' to the South of r' 
pi. \lolher never thought he 

would iiinie al all. If it Weren't for 
him. mother who in more like a whirl- 
wind than anything I ever ex]H>rii 

id. I have no parly .il all ; lint 

-n with it. especially 

I. .Id I'ncle MOIIIIVI M. All'i 

means the SMIIII-..\- and the I'MIK 

and ('.'I. lloMK-llol-MN-i after all. The 
we are not to ha\. 


opping to tlif tame life-long 
atAooI frifn'.! -I.) 

Mother i in her IN-I :ts all 

the gneata ahe has asked have accepted. 
Lou and I are not to come down to 
dinner, because there won't be room, 
but we are to go in afterwards, and 
Mother i- giving us n. w- drcweR. Mine 
mitteA\. So you it 's 
nn ill wind that blows nolmdy any 
I'm-le U<*I>vl vr will talk about 
benge all the time, hut they all -.iv they 
are ao charmed to lie going to meet him. 


Mr. Lnonard Halt to Mr*. Montgomery 


Dui MBS. Borrow,- I am ao very aorry 
In have to tell yon that we shall not be 
able to dine with you on tin 
all, aa my bnaband is ill with a chill. 
Yon will. I know, lie glad U> hear that 
hi* temperature ia now nearly normal, 
v anxious tinw, hut tl- doctor 
i* all thought of going out ..: 
fur at leaat tea daya. I am exceedingly 
aurry. a* we won ao looking forw. 
the evening at your pretty BOOS* . 

Sir MoBmrarr again. I an, 


signified his intention of visili.ig \\'i 
don on the day of your charmiin,' party, 
and lias asked me to Ke his host. 

To so good a churehwoman ILS your- 
self I need not s:iy .-pt that 1 

am d.-eply c.mcenie<l to have to lir-.ik 
faith with \oii and to mis,- a c. . -nial 
antiquarian goip with Sir M-..I>\IM. 
Hi-lieve me. dear Mr>. lion-is.;. 

Yours sincerely , 



Mr*. Vtuttittnrt in Mrs. Montgomery 

it MRS. Horns.;. I have put off 
writing till the la-t moment, hoping 
that the necessity might pass, but 1 am 
now forced to say that I shall not be 
alile to dine with you on the 5th. Poor 
AltntfR was brought home on Saturday. 
from mixed hen-key, so liadly hruised 
and injured that he has Uvn in bed 
and nt|iiires constant atten- 
tion. 1 am sure that you who also are 
a mother) will understand that 1 should 
not like to leave him in thi- Mai. 
fur an evening 1 ha-t.-n t.. let 

you know. 

Km y \\-iirurr. 

u will pi.,,-,- tell Sir Moi 
l-idy llomv, that 1 am d.-eplv 

grieved not to meet them. 


Mr* Montgomery Hopping to Me*m. I'titt i 
amd Cwerole. (Trlcgr 


Mr*. . 'it" Mrs. 


I'r.Mi M i H.'iTiv... It 

will gi\e Mr. 1'MfKivs.iv and i 
very gr. -at ph-a-ure to dine with \ 

h to me.-t your distin.irui-hed 
lirother-in-law. A dinner party at your 
house is always such an event, and in 

remote neighbourhood, wl 

ments are so few. short notice ].erha]>s 
adds to the ilelight. I- 

tH sincerely. 

i. I'MIKC 

I 'ill. lli'llll'-llnlJ;illx lu MfX. M 

M\ MM: \.\\>\. Your word i- always 
law. and yon may count on n..- to lie on 
your hospital)].- door-tep at the stroke 
of eight. Would that you had siid 

ven, that an hour of happiness were 
added ! I beg you not to a| 
what you call short in.! notice 

Bhould be too short to a soldier. J am, 
t dy. yours to command. 


ilr*. Smithsci i Mr.~ n/ 


Mr DEAR Mi:-. U.ilTiNi:. It would give 
Mr. SMITHS. i\ and my-.-lf much jilear-ure 
to accept your kind imitation \\ 
not that we are a little- in Unidage to a 
vi-itor. a nie-e of my hn>liand'-. such a 
:.!<< girl, who i- slaying with us 
U'fore taking u|i a po.-ition at ('.nines 
as a Companion to a \.-rv inten'-ting old 
lady, the widow of Commander 
CA8TEH. who. \oii may rememher. died a 
few wi'.-ks ago. As we do not quite 
like to leave her alone all the evening I 

red if I might lu-ing M -. 

with me. She i- a v.-ry ni.-e girl, and 

pupil a't tl:.- (iuildhall 

' of MUM. I'l'i-haj 

would lik.- In-r to l,i inu.-ic with 

I\M U!Y 1'."., I !)()"). | 



IHT. 1 know it is often ;i lid p. But of 
course, dear Mrs. Iloi'i'iMi, you will MIV 
at once if it is inconvenient or likely to 
put your table out, ami then we can 

perhapi rvt Miss UOBERLY to come in for 

the evening and bring her knitting, as 
I should not, like to refuse your very 
kind invitation. The I ><x-tor was saying 
only tin' other day how long it was since 
we had the pleasure of dining with yon. 
As for short, notice, 1 hope you won't 
mention it. It. is so difficult often to 
give Ion!,' notice, as I know only loo 
well. Yours very truly, 


I'.S. I find I have not said how glad 
\ve shall lie to see Sir MOKHAI NT and 
Lady Hoppixii. 


Mr*. Montgomery //(/</// >iy to Mrs. Smart. 

To Mrs. RMAIIT. 

I am glad your husliand can come for 
Thursday evening. I am counting on 
him to lie here at five to help with the 
silver, and I shall want some mushrooms 
if you can get them, some I'Yench beans, 
and two heads of celery. 




Vt.ttY MISTER MY, -I hear that in this 
manner one now begins a letter in 
Spain. Ay de mi! How unlike the 
stately politeness and elegant phrases of 
my time ! But then we -are so far from 
the days of AMADIS DE GAUI.A, and art- 
even now three hundred years from my 
first appearance, which your contem- 
poraries, Seiior Punch, have lately 

I hear sometimes of your country and 
its possessions, larger, though not more 
illustrious, than in the time of your 
glorious Queen, who defeated even the 
Invincible Armada of Spain. What a 
woman ! And I hear also of you, 8enor 
Punch, and that you desire to right the 
wrong and to succour the oppressed, as 
all brave men should do. No doubt 
there are still wrongs to right, though 
you have an assembly of representatives 
of the people who talk for six months of 
every year in order to do this, and have 
talked in like manner for centuries, and 
yet there are men in your country who 
clamour for work and children who cry 
for food. Volume l)ios! why do they 
talk so much and achieve so little? 

I hear there is in your country an 
ingenious gentleman, named, I think, 
DOK Josi': UK i..v TARIFA, who loves, as I 
loved, to tilt at giants or at windmills, 
as my squire SANCIIO PAN/A called them. 
I never could quite understand which 
they were. I know not if DON Jos be 

V ' 


.X'V, J&'fr' 



\ '^$mm 



one of your friends, but I hear that his 
brave arm offers protection to the 
oppressed, and AMADIS DE GAULA himself 
could have done no more. Yet in former 
days he offered each citizen a cow, which 
was indeed a strange gift for a knight 
errant. And you have other ingenious 
gentlemen, who run their swords into 
wine-skins, or beer-barrels, and them- 
selves drink only water, or a decoction 
of the strange Eastern herb called tea. 
(Iran merced! There are still followers 
of AMADIS DE GAULA. I hope you have 
also brave knights who fight foroppressed 
damsels, as I fought for Dona DULCINEA 
HKI. TOBOSO. But it has been said to me 
that the damsels in your country are now 
so large of stature and so powerful of 
limb that they need no one to fight for 

My squire, SANCHO PANZA, presents his 
humble respects. I kiss the hands of 
your Excellency, and I am your servant, 


Timid Little. Man (apologetically, to 
large a,nd terrifying female Dummy). 
I leave it you, partner. 

Dummy. Coward ! 


IT is not when the green Venetian blind 
Flaps at the wayward prompting of the 

That thoughts of thee come crowding to 

the mind. 

When with adroitly modulated brush 
My few remaining hairs I coax and crush, 
No words of thine into my memory rush. 

Nor, when with nimble hands that work 


Low bending, I begin my boots to lace, 
Do I look up and seem to see thy lace. 

If haply now and then when things go 


In moments weak I use a word too strong, 
It brings no music from Love's old sweet 


Roses may bloom and strawberries grow 


Yet dreams of days with thee forever fled 
Refuse to come, but keep away instead. 

Ah sad ! from such a height so soon to fall ! 
Those halcyon days, those days beyond 

I fear I never think of them at all. 



\laiier. " V<VJL, PilOT, WHAT iOrt or A UO ? " 

/'.iJ,/j. " Wux, TK* Hoxoct, cooimv' TUB fUwn, TIIEUB la KIXE DISTINCT SPITCUS o' Biuw ! " 

(il'KN I.KTTKK. 
T.. I'MU > ! ..tmu. Boors. 

!'. FVyinl** 

DUB ou> run, -1 want to *peak to 
you teriouij}- and aa man to man, U-- 
caiMe you're not mere dead hid, are 
you ? No, no. you are intelligent, am- 
tient vile*, and to be treated a* surh by 

Ah f bootie*, booties, you little beau- 
IMM. what a lot you mean to iw, don't 
yon ? and bow hardly we me you. 
known men to take you off 
a game, burl you aa Jove Imrli-d In- 
thunderbolt* mi<i a o>rnrr of the par. 
and there leave you till you are nnxt 

Ah! <Jd men. that's i>it? 

Bow would we groat machioea of bone, 
miMclr. and aervo<otra (ah! Uwae 
nenre-oanUw, what >ing> Uwy 

how would we In- for the 
match if we were treated like that? 
. siilT and Male, eh, old bootiea? 

Now, look hen-, when we come in 
after a hard, slogging game, our bodies 
and the r ier in our brains 

thoroughly exhausted, iminediutely we \e 
had our bath, our rub-down, and our 

p of -te.mmi^ hoi lien iiU.- (I lind 
- ihe fiiifnl thing to keep tit on 
during a hard season) we must turn our 
attention to you. ! 

Fint, out from our little Uig 
rome our piece of clean, sweet w-lxxt. 
With it all that naMy blark slime that 
geta into your pore* and make- 
crack must b wiped off. Now, before 
a good . blaring lire of coal not coke, 
mind, the fuiniw of a coke fire |ile and 
de-oxygenate the red corpuscles of our 
blood, you know -we must carefully 
warm you till you are ripe to receive a 
real good dousing of our Porpo i 1 in. I 

1'orpo the finest thing for keeping 
bootB soft and plial 

Finally, with a white silk handker- 
chief we must give yon a 
and there you are. sw. . I and trim against 
our next match. K\<-ry mrniiu 
may be sure we will, like Boreas, driv 

away the clouds of i|ri-i that coll 

. th.-n there are the lace- to attorn 
1 'h, yes, your laees arc like our 
nerve-fibre*, the little threads th:r 
the whole big bod\ taut and sound 
They. IIKP. must ha\- rubbing o 

l'or|Hiand a n-sl if they need it. 

Ah! and won't repay our trouble 
. when next we slip Xoll oil ! 1 1"W 
tightly yi .11 will i 1 i-p us just aUive th 
tlllxTi'les of our tibiie, how lirini 
will grip our pliant Iocs, how xoii xvil 
help i the ball ^wishing low 

and gxvift into the well tarred net! 

Good night. 

rrxni. OR THE Loxrox CIIAKIVAI;]. JANUABY 25, 1905. 



JANUARY 25, 1905.] 




lull.i\villL,' article \v:is 
incinluT i -I tin' Ijiit'irial slulV of Mi-. 1'nm-li n 
riilliilinMlion with it nii'iiilier 'f the' Advert i-iui. 
staff who independently invi I ta- 

all tl' j.nnliirK IHMV '!. rrilii i| 

Sn,'\M,i: ;iinl paradoxical as it ma\ 
appear, the \Var has dnnvn yellow am 
\vliiti' together for the lirst linn' by : 
feeling of hiinian t>t|iiality. I'm/ iiliilr 
/ir/iloni/ril si nil i/ of tin' Illinium 1 lifts mill 
i-i'tini- iiml mi/leu /In' iiiiinl "I'lini 
i/mri's " us <)\ll> lins it, ni'illii'i- nil lln 

colours of the rainbow nor att the /wr/n ;/'.- 
of silken Samarkand run <-<ijiin- n l-u /I// 
iiiin a til iiml beneficent 
fur ilu- liiiiiinii .thin, lint t< 

resume our study of tin- paychologicO 

results of the great eon diet in the l''ar Kast. 
The generous conduct of the municipality 

of Nagasaki towarda the Russian eaplive- 
caniiot but e\ert a powerful inlluenn 
in asMia.^ing international animosities 

One OOnsequenoe may lie thai inter 
marriage lielween the Japanese ami 
Western nations will gradually liei onic 
l're(|tienl, \\iili results to the future of 
civilisation as a whole that the intelli- 
gent anticipation of the most highly- 
trained publicist can hardly hope to 
fathom. On tlie oilier loin,/ n di-lrriji- 
intended fur ns<- in llic "lutlneummatu- 
tiniuii" or '' inoi'iiiiKj lnl>" niiix! IHIXXI- 
i/ri'iili'i- /I'/nn-ili/ of fibre and in conse- 
ijiicin-i- ri'i/nii'i's a liii/ln'r fi/'ri-i'iilage of 
tallnir. Tin' ln'n ri inj (if this on the pro- 
of Xi'ir Zealand mutton and the 
/in-fi'i-i'iil'ml si/sli'in icill not escape 
i/ii- most superficial oWnvr. In tlie 
meantime the Japanese Press, not with- 
out considerable provocation, is be tjinning 
to protest against the laxity with which 
the French authorities in Madagascar 
have construed their obligations as 
neutrals, while simultaneously I'ussian 
journals of all shades of opinion are 
denouncing their "dear allies " for the 
inadequacy of their benevolence. The 
French are no longer in good odour 
in. St. Petersburg. And this reminds 
us tlini ill,' si-i'iitimi of In/ili'/s is an 

nrt ill iclnrli fi'ir suii/iliniliTS iillnin 
l>i'i-fi'<-tioii. All tlie i>crfiiincs of Anili//. 
ll/<- liloxxoinx of ('iis/nni'ri', <ntd the recon- 

lll(' III-OIIKIX of III,' III/ /,1'nillll'l X of linhn 

arellendedby the inoil< : rn ulrln'inis/ in one 
mid I'liijroxxiiuj toliilih/. Success 
in this /irorrx.t is lln' irorl: of n Hfi'ttmi'. 
inn/, of iiiiini/ lifi'l inn's. l-'in- it is, iilns! 
ml;/ /no triii- llnil nn o,loiir irlii,-!/ ii'onlil 

In' iiiliiin-iilili' in n detergent would fcc 
i/ iri'l// disgusting on u nniin-Jioii: ll 
is tin- ol/I, old xlory. ll'/iat is one limit's 


His Grace (yauiiinci). " IjrcKV DEOCIARS \ \ " 

is anotlier limit's i>oisoii. oml in 
ntnst m-n-r foriji'l I/ml oin' of the ijri'nli'.tl 

prelates of tin- nineteenth n-ntii 

distinguished l>i/ n solir'nimi </- 
/iltasisinij his saponaceous i',i;-<'llrnri'. 
Rut on the chessboard of life as un 
that of pastime the moves of bishops 
or kings do not always decide the 
greatest issues. In the opinion of the 
most acute observers the ultimate arbiter 
of Russia's fate is neither CZAR nor 
llussia is overthrown it will be not from 
without but from within. The moujik 
is an individual may be a negligible 
puantity, but multiplied by ninety 
million's he becomes a portent. Hitherto 
ie has never shown any capacity for 
united action, but within the last few 
\veeks the possibility of a jacquerie 
iilinitely transcending the most formid- 
ible peasant outbreaks of France has 
idvanced rapidly to the stage of immi- 
lent menace. The consumption of soap 
tlie moujik is extremely limited. 
I n, I, 'i',l, lie cannot even be said to 
'initiate the historic fount of a former 
of SA\OX\, u'lio once observed, "I 
nii/si'lf every fortnight, iclietlu-i- 7 
(' / not." Yet a good toilet 
cop, whose rirlues as an emollient am 
I'lniilli'il lit/ crerij dennie expert, can 
ww be produced by GRICE AND COMPANY'S 
jiroi'i'ss nl n /n-irc ii'lii,-li In-inijs 
I irilliilt the reach of the most im- 

/H'l'iniio/ix ino/ijil; in lln' i-nlin' dominions 
of the ijrcat WHITE CZAR. In this con- 
text it is impossible to over-estimate the 
significance of the recent strike among 
the workmen employed at the Neva 
Shipbuilding yards. Ixussian Ministers 
have declared 'that the reconstruction of 
their fleet is an indispensable preliminary 
to the successful prosecution of the 
campaign in the Far East. But ships 
cannot build themselves. When TOPSY 
said, " 'Spect I groued," she overlooked 
one prime essential in the normal derelop- 
ment of the human frame, the liabitual 
use in ablution of a sound, pure, and 
properly-fatted soap. It is true that some 
temerarious reactionaries, intoxicated 
uitli the exuberance of tlieir own eccen- 
iririii;, Ittire not scrupled to assert that 
all the ills which flesh is heir to have 
l/ii'ir oritjin in the use of soap. Such 
persons are best left to welter in the 
noisome obscurity to which tTieir anarchical 
sentiments condemn them. Have they 
fonjottcn, ice should like to know, what 
mix (lie fate of the great unwashed when 
the Coldstream Guards were summoned 
to disperse the rioters in Coldbath Fields ? 
Have they forgotten the tragic and terrible 
results of that appalling " cri du coeur," 
" Wlnit, no soap?" which heralded the 
Armageddon in ir/tii-li the Great Panjan- 
drum fell, "ruining through the illimitable 



/x>/ r a *.l~L, (inruuiKX. I MIT 

Mil*. Till I T AKCBrTUW <! ..Mil mill TIIK I' 

fru. Uw <,,/ "Yin! (ims 1 AUK* 

. WITU AII "in: i-:.. 

lot a" !" nl>!- 
Jay at the fvirrhiy I.' 
nut, or to fcrp a 60-/i.;<. .UWi /'*, 6ul , 
lAnr if on* ffciwj (W o irlf-retprcliinj 
rtturn tan difprntf tritli n rnke of 
pmrr, Intr, hunt*, pntprdy-fnttfil map, 
w*i<"A formt thr Ir.fliwj art if If of 
MeMrm. GIKT'S output- and our own. 


Tn Cltt. it W stated, is o'litrilmting 
riO.000.000 toward* the exprns. 
equipping a third IValtic Flet for the 
Far Eaat. Thin present to the Japanese 
ia aaid to be in n-turn for the chivalnms 
of tlw defenders of Port Arthur. 

It i* Mated tbat General KCBOPATKIS :- 
onlr waiting for a fine <Uy to , . .>, 
Bother battle. But if the strike* in 
Roam* continue it may become neceaaary 
for bki nest " advance " to be made in a 
direct line for St. Petersburg 

I/m, in hi* Kffalt* au Japan, 
the view that the manner* of 
the Japanese bar* been dclerionuinK. 

. : ..,... . ., 

who mobbed two Frenchmen 

for kicking a dog. be fancied he could 
delect a hatred ofol 

Germany'* WM 

.,....-, : JHriaV 

I . - f r i . ' . - 

sfc|'ticisiii in ihis country, a 

of the (-.iriu-stncss of her intentions \va* 

for, anil a <-<ia! strike li:i^ 

in Westplialiii to Kn^laml's 
I vantage. _ 

nlillX to the /Jru'/i/ <'liiin,ii-lr. the 
that an An|.i-( 'n-niian Clnli is to 
IK- fornunl in Imlon ! I an 

excellent efTivt in Ik-rlin. Sunu 1 such 
awociation with similar objects is now 
ointeinpLiteil then-, ami " it* nieinlier-.." 
ivs our conteni|Hir.iry, "wuuM etnhr.uv 
men in juililic life." This is, 
|-rh:i|>s. nee.lles.>l\ edilsive. 

Some idea of the rigour of the winter 
in (ieriiLiny may lie gat here I from the 
flirt that one man in Munich has stolen 
forty four oven 

The leading Her* in the Tnii. 
ore starting a I'LL ,n to tin- 

bnpccwl propoaabtora new Const it ution. 
l>eiiiga|>[in-henhivethat these i 
milt in IV.T-UI city to 

go out of our way to alii-nate our blends. 

like to see n \<:t\-r up to ilatc. 
The Krjirn* piil.l k. an 

Ui^l "The Fil MI the 

Worlil " on what was certainly tl,. 
:-y iiKiniing w. 

riling to the .v DrnM 

T* a numUr ,,f wolf cubs lia\e 

M |.i hir 

l.i.l i: n that 

.nlvalitage of it: nntr\ folk like 

'it- oil tin-Ill I 

Shortly after !> the 

r .\inilii. 

ickc'l l>\ .1 >n;tke iiic.i^iiring .") ft. 
S in. The liriiti- < ome 

.111 Uwir.l with incut of rum. 

-how that \j .n. Ion 
.ining increasingly hcalthv 

J.ilile that so many |;li--h- 
Micn -lionlil c.intinile t" ) it|-...i:-.- f 
health rex 'i i- I till" 

Itivieni shous 

ami can only IB- c\plaine.| liv tin 1 resulting ft i:on. 

iwhile. aiiin-'linx to the |!irlh- 

ho .-n-e n-lilly 

I of taking no pride in their . -ity. 

U-ing Uirn. 

It will shortly |,, i.i I ; ..k 

llery at the - 

The-alre. This will ..In iate t 
inconvenient m-. hurrying away 

from a dinner at the ( 'arlton. 

A nnmlHT of ].ei><i!is ha\e written 
to the Manager of lrury Line 
Theati. that 77ic II '/. 

altered, i-- not BO futile and ii 
the Daily Mail said it \\. i was 


The Artillery, it U announce. 1, will 
shortly lie Mipplicd with a new 
caj>, having a peak and red Land, which 
will make all the men look like i : 
This clever device will, we Bi 
attract to that liranch of t 1 
more men than otli, . 

\Ve think that the high state of civi- 
lisation reached liy (',-,,. the marvellous 
monkey, has liccii , It is 

true that when he attends a t' 
is plca-e I. he claps his paws. Imt i|,c 

beast c.niiioi i 

The lir>t liuililier of th. l/.i,.i- 

;IK,-. we MI- from an 
ointain.s an article l.y Sir A. ' 
hiMi:. entitle I " My I 1 and 

why I think so." F.very . \' 

will U. anxioi. 


Are \<.<- lie -oniing !< gallant '' \\'hen 

1 '"in in divlared. in her addi 
Northampton, " We ha\.- 1.. day no 

Tim M livv Of 1 "I. Kl R8," there was not a 

single cry of "Hut v 

.IAM u.1 -V> I'.IO.V 


















o > 

E S 

Q- ; 

f n 


H\( II. nil T1IK I.nM IIAIIIV.MM. 


\M> nir H; 

in ' 

1 wa not 

I , IMII li:iliitual addie ic. dom< 

-d ! l;n-k an- my only fricuil nov. ..lone 

no-, have in- 1 foixiken i 

.mil under.-land my -'mm." 

l luirl K\idenlly i prehendini; my u 

,r the failliful animal dried iu <\.-> with 

of a bud prodaii 



',!.. ill. 

I. and ilaiict-d round llic room 
hurlii .1 was 

uliat I I lint I 

tin- wrd 

. hed li\ this exhil> : 

A I lliii iiiniiiriit I In* kit'-li'-n dim 
opem-d and my I ncle ml. i.-d tl 
backward-, tripping nvrr lli 

of their 


known and almost 
variety, the trophic* 

a dentil. 

natural I y into two id it waa 

through t ' i-i' I 

ll i: ll r 

PBOTTOUX of Pantomimia. 

l(o\r n -I ili- he I'-'ki-d, . 

and haughty .step he.; 

v ..- :-.'. 
and even resplendent n. 
designed to |>enmt of that i 
limli which to the pur-nit 
of th demeanour waa at 

once arch ami engaging, and I imiiie- 
y felt that I was in ti 

rdin.iry being. 
" Well. l>ys,"Haid thePrii 
ing his follow. 
lar quality would alone h ,-. commanded 

en apart from his pr.ui 
Making, a- -. I understand, the h. 
of royally, entirely in rhymed coii| 
"Well. bora, once more we'n- I.. 
last, With all our dangers and our peril- 

alid KCC Kjirli well 
esn-h family tree. Hut who eonx- 
what vimon meet- my eve- '; i 
daughter! wlur 

' -i-ntleman 
I we both wait <><1 1 Considering the circuit 

me. I hi- arrival I thought il- method s 1 

' I nn an the villain of 

- ith a 

-hudili r " If you had seen him." he 

Id imderstand that the 

painful one. lie w.i- dressed 

lack nf ddicacx. 


In a murder 

dn-an.- ni>H without .-l"\v 

'iin^ from tin- analogy of tho 
of tin- ari-tii-nicy whom 

I hail pcrliaps foniu-d 

Hi- w mdi-.ll gratifying. 

though I was at tir-t a little .,1 a 1 


Hurling TgeUbl8 t Sir Itujx-rt. 
likt* a piralo I am 

It was iin|>-- ilili- not to jiity the 
nit. lie liiked MI forlorn and 
li mely. 

I ' 

to the Prince," I -aid. 

ion of Lord HI;OKI 1 1- Bomewal 
alien from i].,. actual tiyure which I now 
I. The Ha run is a little yenlle- 
maii. in f an old- 

fashioned >tyle; In- >lill. for instance, 
retains a curled wi^' of th. 
WIII.UM mi: Timin. Hi.- ,'armcnt-. a I*, 
lietra;- - of an hoiionralile 

1 y. and an- worn, with 

.1 certain air of tl ccentric not nn- 

iM-comin^ in one of his 
|Kisition. It i- to this also that I atlri- 
luile his haliit of lilowin^' ii|>oii a f<tl>all 
whistle and exclaimint; " Half time." in 
circum.stan(is which do not appear to 
call for .-nch an oliM-rvation. n n the 
whole, hi.-, ^lllluhl IM-, I fancy, a mo-.t 
Invahle nature. 

liefore, however^ I had time for more 
than an e\piv--ioii of horror. Sir Ki ni:r 
drew forth an enonnon, -word, and with 
a muttered malediction aimed a l>l- 

to the old gentleman's In-art. The wea| 

criini|iled n-.'le-sly in his hand. 

"Half-time 1 "said my 1'ncle | 
as he lirn.-lud the iln-t froii, 
" ll ah - that, \on kno 

thinking to cheer him with the proapect 

the pruper method of rii-evinK 

Irrical Mandi-lin:- neiiiU'riii^. ' 

however, that a tuifc rule for IH-I " ( If course you are." slid Sir Id 

.ind I 'in waiting hen to kill your Unrip 

I . id then siy thai t! did it. I 


Kut I will not r.-all .- 
nrrWim ; in-i meniorv ha* 

retained rather 
hi* rhyme*. Enough that w 
our truth in i t of cl 

wvernl eh 
pillilicity of the em. 
nenal i 

Royal HighiMv 
oouatn waa a detail 
tated at uch a roomeii 

! do my duty, although," ho 
adde<l bitterly, "there i-n'l a jii>t<i| or 
an IHIIH-I- of poiHUi in the house; ami 
'hat in. 111:1-1 nl ! ' 

I . V l.tlllli <]. 

u nothing. 
.i: will alwavH believe him inno- 

r the place;" and OK 

of the joke almilt the War ( Mlii 
i nmi'iit Contr., 

- that I fell Sir 

li'l I'l'ltl. Hi- xouled liravely. lint il u.;- 
e\ idenl that the l.-ilni.- had mi 
him. Turning on hi- I-. ! he wa- aliout 
to ijnit the apartment. \\ hi 

the .-iidd.-n entra! 

Aunt, who. cla.-piii;,' him round the 
wai-t. . d him to tin 

of whal i-. I In lie\e, known a- a doiilile 


1'ncle Hi - then com- 

I to (ling || 1( . Kitchen furniture in 
iireciion. an CKVllpation in which 
my Aunt, having i - 

joi I heartily. 1 ha-len to draw 

80 won an I wan alon< 
Sir Rororr, whom I 


on of the scene. Itoll, 

5irdiiiK IIH with .,,,,! I did our IH-I, Imt it is 

'li-. nee. iiid,.-,| dillicult to I ..... motional in an 
paip-n- \vilh eriK-ker 

JAW M:V _'.', I: MI:.. 



ilic wisdom of 
pine for the 

iliut she would encourage ii in Shimber- 

Icigh with all her heart. 

" < M 'course." Maiiiina said to all the 

friends we I in the village that day, 

" of COnrSC WO don't </".->//< in Slumber 
leigh. hut what I .: >rd .li:i!SKV means i- 
ohvioiis. and \ve will do it. 

" No\\ ," she -aid to me, " I Ve got a 
hrilliant idea: next \Vednesday we'll 
<;i\e an Imperial At Home for Imperial 
Gossip, jn>l to give the idea a good 

That is .Mamma all over. So enthu- 
siastic ! 

\\'e went at to the stationer's, 
where Mamma bought some invitation 
cards and the l)/ii!i/ Mail Yi'tir lioul;. 

Vi'ednesday arrived. I felt I shonld 

my own dignified and heart - broken 

B must have suffered from the I' re 

ipient necessitj of bending before the 

storm of hardware. 

When it had abated, and the air was 
again eli-ar, 1 ventured to reproach my 
I'ncle ven 'rntly for its introduction, 
but without elt'eel. 

"My dear," lie answered, arranging 
the mat for his habitual and mo-t 
nnle -oroii . mode of e\il, " von inu.-t i;el 
used to that sort of tiling be I'm e We go 
I,, the Halls," and ere I could inquire 
the meaning of this expression, he dis- 
appeared, head, as usual. foremo.-t. 

It wa ; in -cenes like the-e that I 
lirst, learnt to doubt 
my choice and t:j 
simpler and less 
eha 'tic atmosphen 

of h:une. Never! he- 
le-'.s. a I'rince. h iw- 

ever unworthy, \t 

still a I'rince, and I 
\v;n determine I !-.. 
go through with it. 
Kven after the 
h i d eons moment 
when I beheld him 
in a straw hat, 
garments (which 1 
v. ill not particu- 
larise) of blue and 
white cotton, with 
a lianj'i in his hand 
and. castanets upon 
his heels, repeating 
s;>me scurrilous 
libel in which I 
was addressed as 
an Ethiopian, even 
then, when my idol 
of heroic dignity 
was shattered, I had 
yet one source of 
courage. 1 looked 
forward to an exist- 
ence of stately and 

even tragic splendour as a Qnec-:i Con- be fearfully out of th- conversation. 
sort. It was for this that 1 endure 1 the 
abamloiie 1 levity of my suitor, the vul- 
garity of my relations, and the thousand 
agonic; that can be snffere I by a soul 

The flivi/ IM<II/ of Mnntrille (.tr.uitjr. "J'oitTER, is THERE 
THE Miiisicin ' " 

[According to an evening paper, a ghost train lias been seen on one of the London railways, 
with ghostly passengers alighting at a spectral siding.] 

had a nephew there who wrote her Ion- 
letters, so she told us lots about the 
country, the life there, its product-, ami 
all that. K\eryho.|\ listened eagerly. 
Bnd cveral threw in very intelligent 
remarks. .Mamma, for example, i-aid : 
"(if course they de-ire reciprocity ''. " 
and Mrs. Towr.iis replied that tin 
Iniii/iii'i for it. 

Then she paused fora minute to take 
a sip of tea, and .Miss SNUTI: joined in. 
She leaned forward, smiling, and said : 

"How n-,-i/ interesting; but I thought 
til's was to be an / iii/n'rinl gossipy " 

" Yes." .Mrs. Tov,i;;ts replied in her 
most vii.egary tones, "yes, that is why 
we are talking about the Culiniii x." 

Miss SXAPPK positively slior.e with ex- 

" Unfortunately," 

she said, " would 
you l.-'niilli/ hand me 
the cjike ; thank 
you so much un- 
fortunately the 
Argentine is not a 
( 'olony of ours." 

Mrs. TOWKKS went 

"Then perhaps 
you will tell me, 
Miss SXAPPE," she 
snorted, " why in 
my atlas the Argen- 
tine is coloured 
red > " 

Then it was poor 
dear Mamma's turn. 

" Yes," she said, 
"I think you must 
be wrong, Miss 
S\ UTK ; yon know 
what the great 
Imperialist said : 
'All red, -all Bri- 
tish, you know.' " 

Miss SNAPPE was 
too venomous for 


like mine from surroundings s.i uncon- 

genial. How was 
deceived ' 

1 destine I to In? un- 


IV.vit Mamma does get, such unfortu- 
nate cra/es for things, and they do SO 
often lead to unpleasantnesses between 
the people here. Ihr very latest was 
the' result of the Karl of .ll-;itSKY saying 
that the English-speaking people ought 
irit only to think imperially but to 
gossip imperially. 

Mamma laid down the ]><iih/ Mail 
when she re. id that, and said she 
thought it a most nilu/ih/c idea, and 

words. She threw an apologetic note 

One thing puzzled m very m-ieli, so I into her voice and said : " Oh, was he 
asked .Mamma in as off-hand a manner referring to .1 fr'n-a .' " 
as 1 c mid : I 1 saw the trap and shuddered ; but 

"Oh, by the way, Mamma," 1 said, | Mamma and Mrs. Tow Kits simply plunged 

" what does ' t:> think imperially ' mean 

Mamma replied that wdiat they taught 

me at Miss I' VSSKK'S goodness only knew, "Because, Miss fsx.\ppi-: said, rising, 
and then she picked op the F aar float I " the Argentine, according to my map. 

" Certainly ! " cried p<xir Mamma. 
" Of course ! " cried Mrs. To\\ i;i:s. 
"Because," Miss SXAPPE said, 

and I could hardly get another word 
out of her. 


immediately unpleasantness 
aro-e beiuc'ii Mrs. TOWERS and Miss 
SxAPP".. Miss Sx.xi'pE hates Mrs. TOWEIJS 
because Mrs. TOWERS took her cook after 
she left Miss SXAPPE. 

It was like this. The conversation 
had (lagged from the very first until 
suddenly Mrs. TOWERS began talking 
about the Argentine. It appeared she 

is in South America." Then she said 
good-bye and went. 

Nothing more has ever been heard of 
Imperial Gossip in Slumberleigh. 

wants to curtail the well- 
earned recreations of the L.C.C., but 
their designs, lately published, for a 
"Bridge" Hall, seem to the poor rate- 
payers a little extravagant. Would not 
a " Pit " Parlour serve their purpose ? 



;~T) !.>! 

I the : 



M- tlirf lo i-hii! 


< l.l'l 
p like mad. 

I nk 

n Mmie forest lorn. 

r and ( rn 

Till all l>. 
While to and fn> with 01! h all 

Shunted Sir K.02 I - mil. 

i might v. ke liard- of xorc. 

Mow well Sir l't\ii\Kii fought his whack. 
Ami Mill ii In. 

Alul like JH-.IS that (MM I. 

Around his I. 1 "' |..*1 ! 

infoi Ding and a . n-iatioiis. 

HUM . niii'ii in tin- liit'i.-i I to lilue 

lit- In. itanl l'i-triet 


/.irrr.Y.i/i.. . Hi n ins-iv. Mr. < ', .iiiniiK 

vivid light on it little-known territonr. A- A 

.ithern Nigeria In- made the 

-t of op|Hirtunitie> nf studying and dc- 
wrihing the country ami ll The 

f. inner my Haronite cannnt honestly i 
ii:i-u<l to tin- jaded I>ondoner for :i holiday 
trip A country in which it is necessary for 
:ro|M-an to In-gin tin- day with a fivc- 
iin tiililuid of i|iiinim- has its umiiion- 
pet-t. This : tin- inorniiiK. " At n-\<-n r.v.," 

tin- CM r i In-, ry ri:ii:it>.>:. ymi^ct into c ml, pyjamas and 
i..-r dros at Ini.-li stiitii i m,, 

curtains < know. When we h.-;ir of n.t i~-sity for iiioMjiiito 
think Icndrrly of Ixmdon. cv.-n in a fog. 'I hen- 
are all kinds of <-asiial callers. "Sitting niiiling under 

lull one day, " Mr. rAkiRiix.K j.lei^iiitly : 
"wiH-lhuiK fn>m the n.f fell with a thud at my f,,-t." It 
with ii full-grown li/ ; ird half-way down 
ilH thnat Ili-lii ti |<'<les. huge spidci 

ur inches I. ,.,,, I and half an 

inch lliiek. Occu-i..: r lM-<lrnini Icing in the line of 

march, thu ieiilally Morniing the |M-<|. " [-'ire 

Miij-citurlialile I'MIIIMK.K, "are tin- 
.in* for ex|'lling them." iNmi 

:<!., lir>- is not iiMialK 

> lifown lieild out of t!.. 

-real goggle eyea, nnd 

lint it is 

:\ life. 

the volume, Uliutnted by many phmogr. mil of 

M' i l-'i VK VMI \\'\..SMI- will, my 

ling main w. i hecoiiclii-ion that 

I woman. Ix-yal .pi. - .lit of 

the trial, which form the -vond h:df of the Volume, ale dealt 
with l'\ another hand. Mr-. Mv> 

narrative of her life in prison. I- h-hment i-. marked 

I iy ;n -f dilter feeling reniiirkalile in the cin -11111-1.1 

\ mpalhy in the pnlilic mind. 
The iful plea for e-lali|i-hment of ;i Criminal 

.I Appeal. Incidentally Mr-. M \uu:l< K olTei 
Hon.- for the impiotcmcnt of t 
i well wortli the attention of the authoi 

A dainty Kik is Owen H..IM.II: 1KB irnly 

i :i- "an idyll of the Canon." It i* the !n-i work 

lit, K' M m CiAV.i: my Hiironite h.. Hut the 

..ulier elTorls. appirenlly in the -ame line 

of country, has run over the -alitv 

where th. laid i- \. : 

far up among the hill- near the I 'evil'- Like." 

i- the Wild West of heailtiful Ann; untamed liy 

railwiiy track, untarnished l.y town h dde.l pi, 

to the siin|i|e -lory i- found in the illustration.-, done with 

-wift. light. I. lit sure touch. 

The Ha i on wd<, n.. ,-..,'/ Ml lil:n . trans- 

lated into Knglish l.y Lord Hi \' ],| 

'l> I':' 1 " '- a ta-k than I ord 

Hi l:i.|iri i ' ), 

nil-elf ( ncln ed life a> a ( \ VIM ! 

l-'loin \, i WM:|.]\ hiis given us a BensBtii which, 

' loiite on ;i ].ar with h. r i work in this line. 

' lose. I!- 1. .malice. 'I'll, th:' 

takes hold of ll 

nor is the int.'iv-t ever :ill,,w.-d to drop. The my-tiliea- 
tion is well-contrived and skilfully sustained. \\ h, re the 
autlmre.-> has tiiken M. much troul.le, il i. i|, a t 

liil not repress In i I I i ircur when .1, pieting the 

actions of the lover. Mr. lhj<> I ,;,!,. wl.... a- an amateur 
detective, disguises hiniM-lf in 
an " Italian hat and cloak" and 
n an'- I.. Ota." 'I lius. ;i 
smile is raised jn-t when we 
ought to lx> on the tenter- 
hooks of suspense, liriiith!. 
watching the course of a I 
drama. 'I he </, : >niii>in-i<t, t. 

what conn iplace. Hut 

in spite of lhe.-e two mistake*. 
lo\er- of sensation will not lind 
any recent novel, with which 
the Haimi i- aciiuainted, more 
to their taste than is / 
in tin- l-'lnxliliijlit. 




is '!'' !: ree light which In at- upon a throne" the 

u-itie- of ILK. ||. rrinc. Hi \n ! Hatl. : 
ll:lvi ' hltl Hut, according to the' 

anmls| .iiiut, L.l -l,il.ln-n 

VI Vo, ,. Tlie I. \erlasting Chil- 

" Daily Grapl 

FEBRUARY 1, 1905.] 




(A Suggestion /or Xext Season.) 




[Thf following li'ttrr, ..oinrwliiit clrluyeil in transmission, is generally 

led I- b in stih. tinice the answer to a now notorious c'lull }e; 

i" .Mr. W-NST-X CII-RCII-LL.] 

Sin. I herewith, by liim I humbly serve, am 

Directed to reply that yours td hand 
Reminds him of the saying Sus ,1/f'wnv//)/, 

In other words, lie does not understand 

'l our folly ; he believes that no such instance 

I )f braggadocio has yet occurred, 
So far as memory serves him, since his (\V-\sT-x's) 

1 1 1.- pi red career became a household word. 

I > i you suppose that one who lends to Culture 
Ifis practised pen, who on the lonely veld 

.Met unafraid the predatory Vulture, 

Will stoop to punch //wo' miserable pelt? 

Has IIP then dragged the name of CII-RCH-LL into 
The path of Fame, to fight with common roughs ? 

Was it for this he won renown akin to 
A liver pill's, by memorable puffs? 

Became the costliest gem at once adorning 
The Government and Opposition ranks, 

The Star of Freedom, erstwhile of the Morning 
Post ? to be brief, Sir, he declines with thanks 

Your challenge ; not because, presumptuous stranger, 

He fears you, or anticipates defeat, 
But honour calls him to preserve from danger 

His Dignity, his Country, and his Seat. 

I he Tariff Question in Russia. 

FROM a Provincial paper's summary of Mr. ARXOLD-FOKSTKK'S 
speech at Croydon : -"He was sure the people of England 
desired that the peasants of Russia should enter into the 
heritage of liberty and freedom which we all enjoyed, and 
had obtained through the sacrifices of our forefathers. He 
expressed a belief in the ultimate success of those who 
favoured Tariff reform." 

Certainly, if Mr. ARNOLD-FORSTER is right in his reading of 
the mental attitude assumed by the populace at St. Petersburg, 
they should have an excellent chance of realising their ambi- 
tion. Judged by the number of troops told off to block the 
way to Tsarskoe Selo, the CZAR is as keen as anybody for 

DARE PONDDS FUKO. To give way to smoking. 




' VRV 1. 1905. 


TW .&-i*l liirpM* PTM* pj" pnliming" 

ftf K^MtMl PIHIi r ' ^ IBf<inK ' ' 


id k.lld. 
her h-l 

cLiw |.\ -pur tiigi-lher. 

in it fail VIHI in the Jit. 

en K 


If I'ru~. iuy hearten KcuwioV r.w..rd, 

i lli.- bridge* tight. 

in. sullied that iiuijmUc halo 
UK tin- mend Moid .it Tttrski* Selo. 

.liboun already bound by 

nl makes us doubly kill ! 

Tba' "i wintry skiea 

H.l .Jam (near It-rlm . 

load Anan-hy her lips protruded. 

we should liave served her much as \ou did! 

this our officers rehearse. in pla>. 
With Biu-h material* a* they can gel ; 
Thus, diould a lower-dan civilian pay 
Imperfect homage to on ejiaiilettc. 

make hi* gore- incarnadine the gutter. 
And* have the corpse removed upon a shutter 

One spirit animate* us both, you Mr, 

Though here Sedition lurks in covert lairs ; 

It doaa not spread itself acroM the Spree, 
*r flout our I'hlans in the open squares ; 

\\'t get no chance, so secretly it hatches, 
\<- nnil in--'.* it down in solid batches. 

II. r.-. II.T.- tin* N i.dist who speaks his mind 
U merely i l.i|.|-l in quad, ami nothing more. 

splendid Cossack Chivalry would tind 
< 'nr life Ix'ii'-utli the lindens such a I- 

frankly, i-cuilil we IIH|M-. MIJ>|K**' \vo hail him licrc, 
an active type like VI.MMMIK. 

> we are with you. < 'an the same lx> said 
Of thi>-<- ynur " dear alli-- " tin- empty ]iln 

U li.Me sign in |{t>\uluiii>nV i-a|> of i.-l. 
Wliixe Milenin anthem is the Martfilli 

V<ni know tin- .ur ' Your Sunday ntlilile sang it 

I ntil the rilli-s' loyal mir mitning it ! 

made to TOUKO the Ravage breast, 
And iiiT\e the ami to menace totterinK thronea, 
Yet, by an inmy too long cnnfciwd 

In Kumtie'H laughter iin-lting all her bones, 
r band* perfbnn it militnri fuM 

When Nimuuft embracen bnnli.-r li BET! 

flattered France, junt then in lonely need, 
And tuok her bullion : tint wan in the Imnd , 
But now yu crave a twin Imperial creed, 
Ta*Uw like your own. ideal* which respond ; 

titan sympathy (and coal) each minute is 
mg fresh proof of our profound affinities. 

0. ft. 

F>M the Dublin Krvitiiy Mail : 

prams Tannin n Mosoo*. 


<'n\rm: XI 



\\'HIN i lie yin-n came home from the foreign expedition 

;!.! ill the l.i>t chaj.ler she .i~. a> it i- almost un 
I with whl 1 IMII only call a perfectly 

i-juli.iiit di|>la> "f popolsr enthusiasm. For a few il.i\> 
lo i^" mail with joy and loyally, and all 

ihc in.-. I with article* in which pr.ii-e was 

I.m-Iie I on die extraordinary diplomatic skill of a l.idy who. 
in -pile of her youth, had Uvn adle in the space of one short 

in from Kin>; I 'nio >. i complete an :u k 
led^ment of the justice of all the claims that the 

1 Hinterland - :i had nr^.-d in vain. 

li is ijiiite ~.if.- to say that no monan-h sw<-ll I..-1;,-. . 

SYLVIA had ever sat OB the throne and ^i\cn a tone to social 

life Kini; ( >Tlh' also was \cr\ well s|Miken of b V Uw geoeroUS 
press of Hinterland. That he had done a handsome tiling in 
thus withdrawing his <hi-n-es was adinitliil even In i 
who felt it their duty to |xiint out that a jnilicy of discretion 
no less than a tem|>era!e regard for justice must in an\ 
lia\e coni|H-lle<l him to yield t.i a power so strong in her 
armaments and - . manifestly riK'hl in her ar^umenta as 

Hue morning, not IOIIK alter her return. Sm n ]i:iid her 
mother a \ isit at the 1 ..ned tothe<!rand I>IK 

This visit was no ordinary one. In order that she mi^ht 
:i good working knowledge of the laws liy which Imth 

she and her suhjivts wen- governed. Svi.\n had re<iueted 
the I/>rd Chancellor to deliver to her a series of six lectures 
illustrated, wherever it might l>e nwvssjiry. with lime-light 
lantern slides, the room Iwing teui|M>rarily dnrkened for this 
purpose when the lecture chanced to ! given in the daytime. 
The old gentleman had readily consented to lay open the 
Stores of his knowledge for the lienefit of his sovereign, and 
to allow the Vice-( 'hancellor to take his place in the Sup- 
Court for the time l>eing. The introductory li-cture had 
already Ix-cn given, and this morning was a p pointed for the 
delivery of the se*-ond. The (Irand l>ncliess having 
d a de-ire to hear what thcl>.rd Chancellor had t<> 
SMVU had arranged that this lecture should IH- given in the 
house of her mother, who was still confined liy the do. 
orders to her own apartments. Hither then came tin- l/.rd 
Chancellor, accompanied liy the Attorney < 1,-neral. who had 
consented to manage the lantern for him: and hither, too, 
COM SrLVU, attended (reluctantly! liy her Naval Him- Stick 
in-Waiting (who, as you and 1 know, was none other than 
HllJf:mMM>, her father', and by her Lidy of the IWchan 
who in less fortunate days had U-en known as S\HMI. the 
general servant. The j>arty l>eing thus ( -omjilete. the l/.rd 
Chancellor l>egan his left lire 

^mir Majesty." he said, "will r. meml>er that in my first 
disi-ourse I was privileged to lay l>efore you a general 
.,,iix;wvfn, if I nwy so term it. of the origin and growth of 
law in this country." 

1 And very interesting it was," put in Sum in an en- 
couraging voice. "I shall ask yon lo let me see the manu- 
script again, for I regret to say that 1 have lost mv in 

The manuscript, ' said the l/.rd Chancellor stiffly, "is 

ur Maje-' . :I ,,,. ( |, 

"to speak of the wider departments of our law- as th.-v affect 

property, the liU-rty of the siiliject. the of our 

criminal courts, and other matters related to the*e I judge 

HI to lay U-foieyoiir Ix.rdships 

ot Lordships, said Sum. smiling. 
'lour Majesty's pardon is U-^ed," ^aid the I/.rd 

hancellor. " My long of addressing ,| 1( . Supreme ( oiirt 
I jiulge it convenient to lay I.efon- your 
nil such slight comments as the subjed ' 





I SHOT THE ALBATROSS ! '" Coleridge'* "Tt'imv of the And.-nl Mann,-,-. 

FEBIH-MIY 1, 1905.] 




Mother (u-ho irauta to be ten, mce to tocfteZor uneZ, umbntocxl to have made his pile in Australia). "Now, CHARLIE, YOU'VE NEVER BEES 


ilu- fumlainent;il laws, as they are called, which affect 
members of the'Royal House itself more particularly." 

" Fundamental laws ? " said SYLVIA. " Why are they called 
that ? It sounds very tremendous and alarming, doesn't it, 
Mamma ''. " 

"Hush, my dear," said her mother. "Let us attend 
closely to what the Chancellor has to say." 

"Tliry are called fundamental," continued the Lord 
Chancellor, " because they are unalterable. All other laws 
are subject to the power of abrogation or amendment con- 
stitutionally inherent in the estates of the realm. The 
fundamental laws of the Royal House, however, are exempt 
from this." 

" You make me shudder," said SYI.VI \. 

"I will begin with the Marriage Law. Mr. Attorney, will 
you be good enough to throw on the screen the picture of the 
great King HILDEBKAND promulgating the Marriage Law." 

Instantly, with a deftness born of long practice in the 
bosom of "his own numerous family, the Attorney-General 
drew the curtains before the windows and projected from the 
magic lantern the required picture. 

" Splendid ! " cried SYLVIA. " And, oh do look, King 
HiLDEiiRAND is the very image, beard and all, of my Naval 
Blue-Stick-in- Waiting, isn't he ? " 

The resemblance was certainly striking, but, the room 

being in darkness, it was not possible at the moment for the 
other spectators to make a comparison. The heart of the 
Naval Blue-Stick was beating fast <md his breath came short; 
but he uttered no word. 

"Thank you, Mr. Attorney," said the Chancellor; "that 
will do." 

The picture vanished ; the curtains were pulled back, and 
the room became light once more. 

"Strange," said the Grand Duchess, gnzing at the Naval 
Blue-Stick, who had withdrawn into a durk corner of the 
room. " Strange. The likeness is distinct. I Vfqnder who 
that man is." 

But the voice of the Lord Chancellor had begun again : 

" The chief provisions of the law are these " he.opened a 
heavy volume and began reading from it " It shall be lawful 
for every male of the blood royal to contract a marriage, 
subject in all cases to the limitations hum hum I need 
not read all that at the age of eighteen years. It shall be 
lawfiil for females of the blood royal, subject as aforesaid, to 
contract a marriage at the age of seventeen years." 

" I 've got nearly a year to wait," cried SYI.VI \. 

" Hush, my darling"" said her mother reproachfully. 

" But," continued the Lord Chancellor, still reading, " no 
female whatsoever of the blood royal shall in any case or at any 
age be permitted to contract a marriage unless she shall have 


: ihfcuoaei 
but urh consent h.dl i. 


f U>ih IKT ln-nts, immeii-clx l> for who could r. tTu.-m- a 

IIIMMMIlbll Within '. I- I"'II llIl.immoll-K i I.-. Ir.l '.'. 

.1! l)in 

n ii an 

! ! tin 

1- mi 

all !( IHT f.illn-r 

n,.- i,.r-i r:. .,,. 
lor getting 

before a child . 

. uiim-irr 

id n..| t llor in 

Nut II would haxe made no difference. 

It has been rsal CIIHI. .. " for memUTs 

. rims 

. the Rink of Hinterland 

tlialities. Tl.. laxv wink. I at tin-: mdee I 
.if divided cases. Ihd vour 

it M Liwf 

Tgo,"w.i. : Im-l..->- -hall 

I ever gun forviveneM fr daughter - U V 

wra jroong ana thougfatleM, Hiuoouso and I. ami \x,- live) 
away fnmt the Court and our 

iKinngthisH .iMtmno! k had 

been painful, iiis lm-a-i :ns hands \xere txvitchinis' 

cxmvuuively. and more than mice he seemed to be on the 
point of q>eakinK. l>ut each time he mastered himself and 
remained silent He had only to say, "I am the yiiivn's 
father, I am read* my consent to her marriage 

vanish at 

of Wt-.niiM. .1 digniix equivalent, h-t u- -ay. to that of my 
l/iiidon. t-i xvhich (ioveriiorship he brings all the 
iiifcili dcmon.-lratixc cmirte-y that is the distinctive 
mark of the civic dignitary. be he Mercer. Hulx-nlasher. 
I 'exit. er. 1/iriner. or Tallnxx chandler. Noxv to tin- 

-tobd. cautioii-lx xvorking. nnninerrial bniin of Ismail", the 
ii-ly farcical idea of presenting to ClotuKo the 

1 1. 1 l>e dead and huiicd .1- II: i".- con-in. 
whom CliiU'lin i- to e-|iu-e. cniild nexcr haxe i-cuiTed ; bill 
lo hi- brother, elder or junior il matters not. the excitable 
and ira--|ble old gentleman .\ntiiiini capitally plaxe.l bx 
Mr. Ki-HMt WIIMI. . this absiinl notion might haxesugg. 
it-< If i- In- not the parent of the ecci-utrie I. ,md 

then xihal more natural than that the chuckling old .lii//ii.i. 
xx it! ml thought, -hould have impanel. whi-jx-r 

mgly. this brilliantly original notion to his brother /. 
while the 1'rince and I'lumlm ion in the -a: are 

I in coiixersatiiin V Thi- i- a |K.HI| Mr. Tltt.K has 
merl<ked. I commend its e..n-ideiatinn to the next 
Shaks|-sirian icxixali-t. It relieve- .\>ii,,i t i<> from U 

, merely irascible old pantaloon, and fairly 
l the balance of character. 

Little Idiy I'mltlw Tnovi v- SIXII--ON, \\a- evceptioii- 

ally go.l.and hi- singing de-erxed the em-ore which xxas 
decorously nippc I in the bud. Mr. 1/n i- Cuuiu i- a- stolid 
an ill , ought to be. and Mr. LIOM.I. Hum oil k- 

himself within the picture a- I'rr./. .. T! arrange 

it may be neceawiry." and the difficulty would n.ent that makes them ap)> at their bedroom \\indou 
once, but by so doing he xmuld rob her of the ,-.. my mind, quite incffn-ti\e. and deprive- the two loxx 
a jvereignty and step into her place. No. he could not bring ii^iedians of such excellent legitimate bu-m. I in 

illustrate the action of the -cene xxheii then- familiar 
character! xvere played by the imperturbably hu:i:oniii- 
> and :h inimitably droll Hi i K~IO\I . 
the -ufTering //i-;-n Mis.- MIIIUM CIIXIIM- xva- 
-ympathetic. but on this occasion, it secme I lo me. the 
arrangement of her hair did not M-I her off tithe greate-t 
advantage. As her wrongs are n-dre ed so should her 
hair I.e. It would IK- iinjii-l to delixer a final verdict on 
the li,;itri<-f of Miss WiNintKL Km ux. after this first night's 
performance. She was evidently m-rvoii-, and at fir-l 

If to do it. 

Mamma," mid Svi.xti at la-t. "what due.- it matt T V 
Xobody want* to marry me yet. so why trmii 

At this moment the door ..|-ened. and the (irand 
butler in a ceremonial \on-e announced : 

"A Special Emisaary from King Onto of 
an immediate audience of her M... 


A*theaccri-dit.-d liepre-eiitatue of 

-. r,n,ch at the I 'lay. I 

have always held that for uudiem and performers. 

the first night of any piece, he it what it may, is almo.-t 
sure to be it worst night. Therefore I prefer Mi-ing any 
piece after it has lvu running fur a short time. What the 

her i;:ed sx-arcely stning enough to give sufficient 

point to sharp Divings that re.juire the an miipaniiiieni of 
a bright good-homoured smile and the merry txvinkl. 
laughing eyes. When the sense of the re-|oiisil>ility -he has 
nnd -rtaken shall have Ux-ome ]e ox-erpowering, then 


.Win,;/, j.rodiu-cd at His Maje-tx '-. dmibt her smile will U- U-aming and never in the slightest 

Tuesday the iMth. will be, when the pi.-cc. written by that degree cynical, and with in.rea-e of phx-ical energy her 

ever youthful author \\ n.i n Smk-iru:. plays more do^-ly. delivery of the command "Kill r/,,,,,/;,,.'" will d.i-tri'fy the 

and when the actore hluill haxe reoanajderad c-ertain important h.mse. It i- principally for this great efWt that /.. 

punts of their HBpenOBeuoaa, nuy IK- fairly pmphesied fniin a I'rainatic part. e\i.-t-. 

its first perfiirnuMK. the highly aj.pnviative audience A- /fo,,W,V/.-, Mr. THIIK, after a few night- will a-, the 

lUwrmi.-rr. | K ,H ; ,,| |,., s ;, .. sl|lil( . . ,. W;ls W()n , |(( ^-^ Muv<i 

e it due to Mr. 8mm Btoooa tor hia admirable thk weight of care " in getting up and superintending the 

ra***-****. 7 * .\rr,,,j,,,,. and no doubt by Shaksj,e:irian drama had sadly depressed him. He wa- at 

iliisarucje apncnn. he will haxe meditated on his his U-.t in his irb.-t s.-ene with l',.;,i, '<. and at In- vert 

ilk. and will have refined hM maim, r- best when. Uvoming inten-dy serious, he break- off ail 

ropped ...ns M ore scarcely compatible atqaiintanoe with hia compeaion /*-. /',,/,. and wiih quiet 

His bilious brother dignity challenges his dear friend r/,,,,,/;,, t,, mortal .-ombat 

naterly. Ins <|mte nld-maflterrjr, |-.n: 

a , w assure 

(perfiap. a. a cloth^nd<petHnaker\ and l-cmg ,,-rsonally .mra,, all P |, H,, Majestj , for - ...... time ..',/, 

FEIWUARY 1, 1905.] 



'I'm; recent and almost HBraltaneoiu 

announcements that Mr. H.M.I. ('MM. had 
taken to tolHiggaumg ill the Kngadine 
and that < IAHIIIKI.K n'AsMV/io had been 
struck in the eye by a snowball, ha\e 
naturally created a painful impression, 
absorbing public attention to the eclipse 
of all other topics, and revived the oil 
debated question whether men of letters 
should or should not descend into the 
arena of athletics. 

Speaking >'.< fiillinlrn as the apostle of 
physical culture, I assert that there can 
be only one answer to this question. 
Logic, theosophy, and mental science 
alike insist that the brain should not be 
cultivated at the expense of the body. 
Life is a rhythm, ami though the pen is 
mightier than the sword, a man whose 
brain-measurement exceeds that of his 
chest is seldom able to cope successfully 
wit hall t he emergencies of life's handicap. 
Though strong men lived before An 
MKMNON, stronger men have lived since. 
Hut here, as in every other department 
of human activity, there is need of 
discretion and discrimination, and, at the 
risk of being charged with inconsistency, 
I lift my voice in poignant protest against 
the incursion of our leading men of 
letters into the domain of violent 
athletics, perilous pastime and dangerous 
sport. Our novelists, as the statistics of 
our free libraries convincingly prove, 
are one of our greatest national assets. 
In sheer popularity they dispute the 
palm of precedence with our leading 
jockeys and billiard - players. They 
minister more liberally to the needs of 
our great and enterprising newspaper 
proprietors than any other class in the 
community. Their noble and expressive 
lineaments, stimulating the ingenuous 
youth to emulate their splendid efforts, 
shine forth at us like beacon fires from 
picture post -cards and illustrated 
journals. They are household words in 
all strata of our social system, " from the 
sovereign sitting on his throne to the 
labourer sitting on his cottage " I make 
no excuse for quoting the famous phrase 
of an illustrious peer of my acquaintance. 
They have superseded the pulpit and 
relegated the playwright to obscurity. 

To allow such men the idols of the 
populace, the arch-benefactors of their 
species to expose themselves unneces- 
sarily to loss of life or limb is a slur 
alike on the good sense and gratitude of 
the nation. It is an attitude that I for 
one can never bring myself to accept, 
and if this appeal of mine be fruitless 1 
would ask all who are interested in the 
matter to co-operate with me in bringing 
pressure upon Parliament to introduce 
legislation rendering it a penal offence 
for any novelist with a circulation of 


Collier (trliose favourite di*1i in Imileil jnMlntjii). " Oil, AY ; I rol'ND IT RIOIIT ENOUGH. 


' 'oilier (after a pause). "WERE THERE A CLOTH o.v ? " 

more than twenty thousand to take part, 
except as a spectator, in football, cricket, 
polo, hunting, lion or other big-game 
shooting, hockey, and tip-cat. 

But, it will be objected, how, if thus 
restricted, can the writers of adventu- 
rous romance, novels of strong incident, 
and detective stories gain the necessary 
groundwork of experience on which to 
rear the towering superstructures of 
imagination ? The argument is plausi- 
ble, but it betrays a strange and repre- 
hensible misconception of the work- 
ings of genius. The man who only 
writes of what he has seen or experi- 
enced condemns himself to the category 
of the photographer. On the other 
hand, the less he relies on experience 
the more is he compelled to cultivate 

the nobler qualities of invention and 
intuition. Lord BEACONSFIELD had never 
conversed with a coronetted wearer of 
strawberry leaves when he wrote The 
Young Duke. 

Apart from this invigorating exercise 
of the imaginative faculties, which is 
promoted by the absence of experience, 
there can be no doubt whatever that 
I far more entertainment is provided by 
writers whose descriptions are emanci- 
pated from the trammels of expert 
knowledge than by those who merely 
record what they have seen and 
heard. The essential element in recrea- 
tion, as a great writer has put it, is 
surprise, and the surest guarantee for 
its presence is to be found in a bliss- 
ful ignorance of actuality. Personally 


fFmv uh 1. 

,.I the .- 

a I'likc'- 


-lop i" ! inecea- 

hushnnd t 

..-in in ill-ti 
emulate the ah 

A SAMSOX, or a Mn- not as 

if UH'\ "ff by t! 

professional career from indulging 
in adequate exercise. Dictating for 
several hours daily t a phonograph, a 
typewriter, or a shorthand writer . posing 
li> photographer* ; conversing with inter 
viewers these and other exercises of the 
d muBclea germane 

to their noble calling surely suffice their 
natural desire to lead the strenuous life. 
I con re with an earnest 
and prayerful entreaty to Mr. HAIJ CM\K 
and his ronfrtn-* to refrain from further 
efforts to assert in the domain of physical 
culture the mnr*trin they have already 
display .-I in the sphere of literary 


AsKmenomore; others may seek t ! 
Caddies may stoop tor sand, and mould. 

as bid. 

A pointed or a truncate pyramid. 
For BBOWN. and Joxn, and you but not 
for me. 

Ask me no more. 

Ak me no mure : my answer is the same. 
1 loathe my cleek and rnashie, now 

(Aa witness every single stroke I 
Have gone irrevocably off my game. 
Ask me no more. 

Ask me no more; my final doom is 

I shall never touch . . 
" You'll givea third for half 



;iuik.- full 

,1 thelMMHlly tliin. I'crh.ip- 
. .!> will lie able t.. liu.l . \ 


rt.-d in the Miffin dr.\w 



I Niid. I though! it wa- 

ii ! " 

all. W!. I 'II 

do it : 

I-er.-on ' " 

MICK-. think i J iht-f 

IT y Will it lie 
Hie 1 ;ill(!i'il l.:e ill"' 
illliuni .i:i<l .1 | 'I'll 
"(111 1 1 til 

I want Minn-thin;; original 
and i >ut I lien if ;i"n \vrile it 

it's sur.- In IK- that." 
I agreed with her. 

i I, a 1 better take the 
book home 1 mi. "and you can 

send it bac-k to me to-night." 

We talked about oilier things, ami 

! P.S> In go. I had got safely down 

p- when she i-aiii.- rushing after 

Y..U were forgetting abort the book," 
she said, and placed it tenderly in my 

Well, I got the thing home, jmt it in 
a corner, and there one might have 
thought was the end of the business. 
i. Three days Liter I got ' iard: 
' ' 

How's the album 


''. K. M ' 

"Album maintains its xtntuit 
quo. The next morning 1 ha<l a long 
from KI>:AN*IKA sjiying that she 
didn't understand my card. Had I 
written in her album yet ? If not, would 
1 please do so at once, and return it to 
her? I replied that I was at that moment 
engaged upon a set of versos for it ; and 
that they seemed to me. though jierhaps 
I was prejudiced, to U> both win im- 
and pathetic. I felt >iip' she would like 
them. Having pouted this letter. I 
opened the album and wrote upon a rich 
coffee-coloured page which was vacant : 

"The darkling ran row in the we*t." 

That line is obviously the l>eginning 
of a set of veraes, and has a pathos all 
its own. 80 far at any rate Mi-> Miu i\ 
was not justified in calling me a 

A week afterwards ELEAXOU wrote 
from the country to say that she was 
returning to town that day, and expected 
to find the album waiting for her. I 

immediately writ<- to her country addnv.- 
t . a-k if .-hi' would not after all prefer 

Tin- letter Well! down tot Ui.ll 
-lure and back, thus xi v i ""' ;1 " 

Mil I I*-':- rep! il ir c. nld 

-.tiling 1 lik"-<l so long n I came 

to lunch n j and brought her 

l>k with me. Th: and I 

I that tl:c ihini; mnld no ! 

. flit and thniiigh r :tribu- 


\MI|I\ Mill IN has calif i 
Her. Imt noi:e the li-*- 
m\ WOP I of honour that from ten till four 
that day I slaved at her JIM-IH. I can 
driiiK forward (he . il >-r ( i 

- iti:e-ses. 'I hi- result 
rondeau. " To the ' Iwin-r of th-- l<onk " 
t home I 

I.' a pale pink pap-. This d , 

in my pride and telegraphed 

fi I came Lack I read the |i-m 

!ned aina/iiiyly K'""' '' 

~!MI\M-| up the badne-s nf ihc other 

: lieiilarly oln- by Ml-. Mil MM 

in a |>crfii'tly cruel way. I am a man 

'le In-art, and I did not \\i-h to 

Imrt Mrs. Mims'- fe-lin>{s. Kurther- 

1 felt that there were people, other 
than KiK\v<iii\'s friends, who niixht cap- 
to rejid my vem B tier much 
thought, 1 li>n- the fully out. 
and sent it to my con-in (!t.'>i;i.i. who 
edits one ">f the monthlies. I altered 
">ne line, and called it "To a Klirt." 
(iioKi.i: gavo me thirty shillings for it, 
and it was illustrated with a picture of 
a Greek maiden in what I can only hope 
wasn't really the entire t in-ck costume. 

Milt the illustratinii and the thirty 
shillings of course came later. In the 
meantime I had to devi-e another ' 
I turned to the work Mim\ 

again, as a ^nide to what would ] 
allnini. And tlnn I 
the horrible disci ivery that in tearing 
out my jx>em 1 had i In r page 

and lout it. 

In what followed my conduct 
think, descrilx-d l>ett< r a.- that of a man 
of resource than as that of a story teller. 
I may claim to have acted with that spirit 
and coolness which has made 11- Kn^lish- 
inen what we are. 

I drove upon the Sunday in a haii-nm. 

:.ied me with enlln, 
and a-ked fur her album. 

"I'm Dimply longing to rend 
.'' she assun-l 

I fell into a chair with what I t 

" Von don't mean to KIV " 

" I must have loft it in the Cab! 
Well. 1 'in " 

1 dashed out of the room and opened the 
front door. Luckily the cab had i. 

FEBRUARY 1, 1905.] 


"It's gone! " I said. 
"Oh, how could you be so careless! 
How could you . Did you take the 

number "f the call? " 

"I 'in afraid not," I explained. " You 

I didn't know 1 should want it." 
How like a man '. " 

Wait a liit. It was umething like 

IT:;I? Good! 'riien 

- It wasn't 4731," 1 said hastiU ; 
lint something of that style. That wa.s 
the idea." 

Lunch was a strained meal. 1 lefl 
miller vows In recover the allnnn or die. 
"Ask at Scotland Yard lirst tiling 
to morrow," were F.i.r.AMU! v's parting 

A innnth rolled liy very pleasantU 
after thi>. and I hoped that I had heard 
the last of the matter. At the beginning 
Mi-- Mll'HN had written daily In ;<-k 
how the search was getting on. Altir 
tin' fourth Idler I replied slillly that the 
matter was now in the hands of tin- 
police, who would brook no interference 
from outsiders; that unless we gave 
them a perfectly free hand we should 
never recover the album. This stopped 
her inquiries, and peace settled down 
upon my life. 

Hut at tl ml of the month 1 found 

that I was not yet out of my trouble. 1 
heard from a friend that EI.KASOKV 
Minis was telling all her acquaintances 
i if my extreme c arelessness, and. as she 
said, rndei:ess. The MllTlNS and I have 
manv common friends, and I. did not 
wish to have my character dissected 
before them. So. on an ever-memorable 
day. 1 wired, "Album found. Am 
bringing it round this afternoon." 
Then I hunted about my rooms, and at 
last discovered the thing in a heap of 
rubbish in an old cupboard. 

The album and 1 arrived at four 
o'clock, I told a graphic story of a 
dying cabman smitten with remorse, 
but 1 could see that Kl.KVNou.v was the 
least bit suspicious of u:e. Still six- 
was extremely pleased to have the album 
again, and watched me eagerly as I 
turned over the pages to find my own 

After a live minutes' search for it, 1 
said : 

"It was on a pink page, and corre- 
sjKinded with one of your mother's. If 
you remember where she wrote 

" Mother was near the beginning, 
next to Father's." 

\Ve found Father's, and then ! Once 
again that horror-struck expression 
parsed over my face. 

" It 's gone ! " I said hoarsely.' 
Mi. s Mn i IN looked coldly at me. I 
(at up. 

" I can Fee what 's happened," I said. 
" What a clever blackguard that cabman 
was ! " 


"(Ill YKS, I UAVK Mi IIUSIIAXH A Mill < >!!-( ' II? (IX Ills l!l 1,'TIIIHV.'' 
" Bl'T I THOUGHT UK Illns'l I.IKK MoTll-< 'AIIS? " 


" What do you mean ? " 

" Why. he looked through the album, 
and read that extraordinarily clever poem 
of your mother's, lie saw at once what 
a valuable 'find' had fallen into his 
hands, and he tore out the page, and 
probably sold it to some Magazine as his 
own. I daresay he'd get a fiver for it. 
Of course, my poem got loose in conse- 
quence and fell out." 

I beamed at her. -It was really a 
brilliant explanation, and so flattering to 
her mother. 

" 1 don't quite understand," said 


EuUNOBA. "I suppose you saw 
that poem was by ELIZA COOK. 
didn't really think that mother Wrote it ? 
It 's a well-known one of EI.IZA COOK'S." 

Impossible," 1 said. "The hand- 
writing was much too good. Besides, 
I Ye always heard you call her MARY. 
Or was this the one before MARY came ? ^ 

" KI.IZA COOK is a well-known poetess." 

" Oh heavens !" I said. "Well, how 
could a cabman be expected to know, if 
1 didn't? How- 

It was then that Miss MIFFIX called me 
a story-teller. 



\ malfur (roHfMing ptt can/ Irn-A). "X.iw, UDIES AMD OnTUCllRV, TOO HAVE BRM TIIE PArk "t VKIW BCBXT IF.K<>I:I I...K 


(AID l>lli TOO ttlJUT FIOII THE l', K ' " 

<:,!< irAo ka* l*rn faUov,n,j tht triek mo* inteHlly). " BLCSKCD IF I IF.oou.Bi-T ! " 

AN INTKHi'KITKIt I.K'n'KIt " nt 


Tsfes CHER < '. i - 1 \ Maisc'est Niiprrlio! 

Voua ett aixtiJiuiii-iit nu prt'inier rang, pendant ijn.-l<|iif>s iiiHtanls une certain. 1 
Pour moi. ! .(Tniiit, nuilaiM>. une senwiion inaccoutnm.-.' d.- 

> de tout, cw pkuin-Ui d.-vi.-n- .1,-^.mt et de pitie, vo\,-/-vou8, je 
nent I llls inpOMiblaa Kt nanniis jamai* fait disperx-r .cm 

pourUnt jai arranj^ pas iiml de luttc* dw gens de ma r.i. t d.- ma r, I 

_'. Les Armeniens. , avez pna h,- is etes plus 

Mais pour moi c'est fini. fort .|ue moi. le "(Jrand Assassin fi en 

L^uant a \. HIS ca crmmence, et d'une n-traite, et vous av,-/. montre a 1'u,-, id,. l ,t 

facon epatantc. lea rooeure inflexilil.-^ et imi.itovalilis d.- 

Juaqu ici voua avez fait eomme moi. 1'Orient. 

Toujours dea gens pins ,. moins , pas precisement votre 

nun ; A Hlag<mt<thenk de Cbinoia, adreaae. Chez nous on a toujours eu 
a Kishtnef dea Juifa (Tetait a peu 1'habitude de se cacher pendant de tels 
prea conune mea Arrneniens. et en effet ' 
MM extraordinaire. Mais 1'autre jour 
oe> centaine* d'bommet, de femroes et 
d'enfanu. de la meme race et de la 
men* foi que TOUS. c'ect eblouiawnt! 
"e*t n'y pu croire ! Je rete ehahi, 
ahuri ; je me sena vainr- 

.an litre que res drilea d' Anglais 

evenernentt. C'est u:..- I- .ime occasion 
de faire one petite pxcursion, meme en 

voua auittez votre pays, venez 
A " neet pas mal ici. Vt 1 

Nous pasaerons qu. 

bonn jonrne ensemble a causer de 

: - ' 


'-! I 

Rappelez-moi au bon souvenir do 

braves parents, lee Gr.inds I>uc.s. .l';nir,ii 
ir plai^ir i|i- It-ur fain- r.nlt-an il'une 
([ilanlil.- di- i-|i:i!iip;ii,'ii.' tl,-~ in.-illi-urs 

cruB, qui ni'.-st inutil.- a |>r.'-^.'iit. 
ne recis plus perwuiiif ijui c\\ Uiit. 

i>n I'aiiiif hit-ii, a ce qu'il jiarait. 
les Gia. mrs ct stirtmit clii-/ v.m~. 
.''avais 1'iili't- ill- vmis dfTrir 1111 . 

rrv. (pic TDII ilit avuir t'-ii- n-lni d<- 
^l.*! 1 :' ;it mi KH'-i'i'i'-r i|ui 

j.-tait t.'-ini-rain-ini'iit an iiiili.-n il,-, 
combats. Vous n '.' 

n--la. Vuii- vi,.: 

1'ecart, meme a 1'abri, di-~ Imt,- .l ( . 
voua envoie dom , m ,-i^n.- il<- pr.ifundi- 
admiration ot de .niitii-, un 

lonelier, prn6 do .jiMijur- liij,,u.\. . ( ni 
appartcnait a S/XIM I". On \ vnit 
encore des tachee de sang. 

i"nt d.'-vonl Annn 

:i.l."FY.-- Wanted. plain family's 
WiJUL"Adtt. in "t 



FEBRUARY 1, 1905.] 



\\T,nr>i.\<; PRESENTS. 

i lit/ a Vii-i'ini. 
As si KIII as M\Y liail named tin- day 

She issued invitations 

'I'n all the crew our mothers knew 
(Including poor relations . 

We were aware they all would swear 
In language far i'roin pleasant, 

Confound it ! 1 shall have to buy 
The blessed pair a present." 

Then boy and man in carl and van 

And motor-car came driving, 
With gifts galore, and more and mure. 

And still they kept arriving; 
And housemaids Hew, and postmen too. 

Till all the terra < \\oni !e:v 1. 
And night and day they rang away 

Lord ! how the knocker thundered ! 

\Ve worked in shifts upon the gifts; 

And when we had uiMrimg them, 
We'd twenty score of forks and more, 

But not a knife among them ; 
And as we two had scarce a .-,011, 

There seemed to be a i-nr>'t 
When silly mugs gave claret jugs, 

But not a drop of claret. 

We'd endless gongs, and sugar-tongs 

( If every shape- and fashion, 
As if sweet tea was bound to be 

Henceforth our ruling passion ; 
We 'd sachets, too, of pink and blue, 

With sickly perfumes scented, 
And ob ! the show of art nouveau 

With which we were presented ! 

And. now we've got the little lot, 

We 're under obligation 
To every guest we most detest, 

And every poor relation ; 
And by the time the church bells chime, 

And Hymen ties the true knot, 
We find too late we 've all we hate, 

And nothing that we t'o not. 


No author need now have the faintest 
compunction in brutally killing off the 
central character of his novel. Judging 
from the resurrection of She after having 
been consumed by fire ; of Sherlock 
Holmes and the villain of The Motor 
Pirate, resuscitated like the late Sherlock 
Holme* after having disappeared over a 
cliff, any author possessed of sufficient 
ingenuity may bring back to life his 
" creation " from however final a fate. 
This is the kind of thing :-- 

1'AA.MlM.i: I. 

Chapter XXX. ~ " Dvlce el decorum 
tst ' . . . And with a half sob 
"SUXJGER" LOVELACE sank to the earth 
riddled by a hundred bullets. As 
evening fell the shouts of battle drew 
further away, and the vultures came 
swooping down on the young hero's 
shattered bodv. 


(Mr. Chamberlain addresses a great meeting at Gainsborough on February 1.) 

Sequel.- -Chapter I. The marvellous 
recuperative powers of the air of South 
Africa are well known. Never, perhaps, 
did they bring about a more remarkable 
recovery than in the case of Lord EDWARD 
LOVELACE, better known as " SLOGGER." 
Seated in a Kaffir hut one glorious day 
in June, &c., &c. 


Chapter LX. . . . For a moment 
JASPAH QUICK stood paralyse!. Then, 
with a cry of horror he ran swiftly 
towards his horse. But it was too late. 
The earth trembled violently, all creation 
seemed agitatedly to move, a roar as of 
i million cannon shook the air, the 
ground opened, and JASPAR QUICK dis- 
ippcared. The earthquake at which he 
had scoffed not an hour before had over- 
(we may almost say, under-) taken him ! 

Sequel. Chapter I. . . . Melbourne ! 
The i itiless sun beating down on that 
city of &c., &c. In the coffee-room of a 
comfortable private hotel JASPAK QUICK 
sat at breakfast. Save for a slight 

whiteness of the hair about the temples 
there was nothing in the appearance of 
the famous criminal to indicate that he 
had been passed completely through the 
earth some six months previously in that 
appalling catastrophe of '15. . . . 

A Mixed Bag. 

WE extract the following from the 
catalogue of a sale recently held at the 
Army and Xavy Auxiliary Stores: 

2.39 A leather hand-bag, containing brass cur- 
tain pole fittings, a floor polishing 
linisli, a trivet, a large iron saucepan, 
a brass coffee machine, a saucepan lid 
stand, a poker, a Windsor chair, a toast 
fork, a decaliter drainer, a japanned 
ccal vase, a coal scuttle, a slop pail, a 
water can, and a hand basket. 

Ikicssixc. AND CURSING. It is reported 
that just about the time when the CZAR 
was blessing the Neva, the Japs at Port 
Arthur were considering whether they 
should dam the harbour. 


[Fnou AT 1, 1905. 

XI Tiir IV>x. 

MH I mate 


the MauMtlrum Theatre on Thursday 
mijfr \\ , niti-iidi-1 l<< go oum*lvet. 

Mill h.IXe 

\,.rth thai d.iy in 

with .in imp-'rtant ruiv. With kind 
regard- 1 

Ot Irulx 

nt you. luit really 1 don't 
Mr on 

iay night I 'hat eight 

will I- .Hid FIIXXK, xv hi i 

!clx without my kii"vx 
h-dge a-k.-l a Mr Kl v. 

oxer llfle I'll lllismerv-. to XV holll he \vi>he- 

to shoxx- some kindness, to join u-. So 

that i: : " -o >orrx 

In haxe forgotten to mention the dear 

girl xxhi-n I xx mt.- ti- II In- eight 

lour onipli-. xxithout Mr Kvvxm: 

Your lov ing M. 



to Mr*. Hfwifrton. 

\l , ICAB M*. HnOOBOV. Would you 

and Mr. Hinir""" care to join us at the 
Mausoleum on Thursday vx.--k ' Wr 
have a I- \ f r night, and should !- 
o dad if y<>u xvould Took in. -In 
for Mrs. "Guam's box. With kind 
regard*. lam. 

Yours sincerely. MABO. CLBBT. 


Mn. Clitby to her iittrr Sin. Thorn*. 

Mr DEIB Sorer, -Our friends the 
SmTHE-Stirm (he is the barrister) have 
sent us a box, which they are unfor- 
tunately prevented from using, for the 
Mausoleum on Thuraday week. Will 
you and MESHY join us? \ v 
asking some nice people we met at 
Matlock in the summer the HEVDEBSOXS. 
Mr. HEMKBSOX is in an important posi- 
tion at Lloyd's, and his wife, who is 
very charming, is a cousin of Sir WII.SON 
ABKSTOXK, who built the Severn Bridge. 
Your hiving M. 

Mn. Thorn* to Mn. ditby. 

DEAB MABEL, We shall love to come 
to the theatre with you. Rut AGGIE 
insists on coming too, and bringing 
BEBTIE RAWLEB with her. I am mire you 
won't mind, she has so few pleasures, 
and BEBTIE, who is always so considerate, 
can stand at the back if we are at all 
crowded. He is quite like one of our- 
selves already, and I have no compunction 
in asking him to do all kinds of little 
things like this. If only be could get 
some permanent and lucrative employ- 
ment, we should be so happx 
present he is an agent for a new kind of 
combined fountain pen and office ruler, 
which be ia trying very hard to intro- 
duce into the city, but without murh 
ncctSM, I am afraid. 

r loving 


Mr*, f'iuby to Mn. Tliomt. 
MT ICAB Sonrr, I am wry torn to 

TlmiH* to Mr*. I '/;/;/. 

1 'i xii M Mil. I . It dm-* not matter about 

Mi mil We haxt- arranged that he -hall 

go to the I'pper Circle and o>nie and -<t- 

.vi-cn the acts. 1 >i i tell me a little 

ii.tit Mi Fl vi K. What i- his 

business? Suue American.- can IM- very 

attract MC. I -uppo-e he has left his 

xxife and family in America? 

; loving S. 

Mn. l'\i*lnj In Mr*. Thuint. 

MY IAB Sii'iiv, If Mr. I.'XXVIER is 
(tuning to see us between the acts I 
think he ought to dress. Couldn't he 
get a scat in the Drees Circle ? 

Your loving M. 


hi: in MMIM. Of .-ourse BERTIF. xvill 
dress. Going to the theatre is no 
novelty for him. He was at school xvith 
two of WII.-ON BARRETT'S sons. You do 1 
not answer iny question a Unit Mr. FijtCK. 
I always like to know in advance some-' 
thing about the people I am going to 
Your loving S. 

Mr*. I'ligby to Mr*. Thorn*. 

I'.l, /Kill./. 

MY VI.KX. i*;tn Soniv, A moot unfor- 
tunate thing has happened. Chancing 
to IM- in the ncighlHmrhood this morning, 
FIIXNK looked in at the theatre just to 
see in the plan where our \>\ was, and 
perhaps mention to one of the officials 
that you and the HEKDEBfloxB would ! 

asking for it in tl veiling. To his 

horror he found that it was a top box, 
capable of holding four persona at the 
most, two of whom could not see the 
Stage except by leaning over very nn 
comfortably. It is unpardonal. 
Mrs. SMYTHE-SMITH not to have told me. 
The question now is. What shall xv- do? 
After thinking it oxer xvty carefully I 
wonder if you xvould mind |>-tp..nmg 
your visit to the re fur a while 
until there is a ln-tler play the pa|icts 
teem to think very little of the thing 
BOW on and Bringing Mr. I,'V\VIKR to 

dinner on Sunday at half-past one. It 
is so very difficult for me to put off the 
III M nt.-">- I am BO ~'ir.\ t" have to 
a-k you to IM- so iinM'lli-h. but hli.-d is 
thicker than water, isn't it? 

i loxing M. 

I'S Mr Ki v. K -.--ms to IM- a man of 
mean-. lie is coujiected xvith a new 
patent, and xve are very glad to lie able 
to do something to make hi.s time in 
1/nidon less lonely. FRANK in 
him off xvill make -01 1 her 



Mi'.'. 'I liiiiiia In Mr*. >'li*ln/. 


I >i u: M xni. I , Wl.a! ,i pity xmi did 
not find out how many the U.\ xvould 
hold I had a feeling, a- I mentioned 
Id HI.MIY quite at the first, that you 
vvere asking too many. (If course xve 
should like to come to dinner on Sun 
lax. and xvill do so xvith pleasure; but 
I can't help thinking that the U-st thing 
to do now i.- for you to telegraph to the 
MiM-l.l!-o\s that you are ill and have 
gixen the bo\ away, and then to take 
ju>t AI.I.IK and Mr. Fl v K. The poor 
girl badly needs a little excitement, and 
it xvould l>e very unfortunate if FIMNK 
had to 1)0 discourteous to this 
American. Your loving 

Mr*. fli*h ;l t<> Mr*. Thomt. 

/ii/ /,nii,f. , 

1>KVH Sinn. Before your reply came 
I had xvritten to the HKM-MISON- putting 
them off, hut a telegram came from them 
almost immediately after to .say that they 
would not U' able to come, as Mrs. II. has 
infliien/a. 1 am so vexed that I xvrote. 
li.x all means let AciilK mine and me<'t 
Mr. Fi.xrK. hid I tell you he is quite 
elderly? Mis wife came to Kngland 
xvith him. but has gone to Slratford-on- 
Avoii and Salisbury for a few day-. 

Your loving M. 


tin. Thorns to Mr*, t Vi'x/.y. 

DE.\R M MIH . Aia:iK cannot come after 
all. a- BERTIK'S bnither is taking them to 
the Mip|MMlrome. We will IM- punctual 
on Sunday, and very likely shall bring 
BERTIE'S brother xvith us. 1 am sure 
you xvon't mind. Your loving S. 

FROM the Mntu-henli-r /-.'rou'm/ \riri: 
" Kri'iu-li Taught liy Parian Gentleman ; term* 

A- nothing was said of marbles during 
hours of xacation the suspicions of the 
Advertisement Kditor w-med to liave 
U-en roused : and in the next issue a 
corn-eted MTsion ap|ie;ired : 

" French Taught liy Paniun Ci-ntlemtn." 

FEIIIU-ARY 1, 1905.] 



ui * 

I s 

Q * 

Q . 

< ^ 

CO -S 

tr "g 


CO : U 

< e 
U - 



H\I:I \MI mi. HH;..I\K . 



alone with tl 

tell HH-. 


f ! 

ilalb are where w> n it 

1 hriatinaa-time. Turns 
and all tl 

"Turns?" I repeated vaguely. 

t cl-c' We all do '. 
Aunt and I are refined knock-aU.ut 

; ' I . ./.. 


"Out." 1 stammered, a suspicion of 
the awful truth breaking upon me, 

v I 

<vurae, now you are one of us. 
you'll do the same.' Raid the Haron. 
I fas ue will I*- something in 

the Dei 'i wear short skirts 

and a sun-bonnet. It ' quite 

To nay that I was aghast would I-.- to 
understate the truth. 

"Ala*!" I exclaimed. "You know 
not what you are saying. You 
that I .1111 the one figure in dr 
literature tliat 

misfortunes and whose sorrows are 

invariably the same. I'm-le." 1 pleaded, 

I mil almost a formula; do not. pray 

do not, ask me to become a marionette ! " 

" I 'in afraid," slid he. "that it cannot 

be helped now, and really I think the 

change would be an improvement. Any- 

Id.-d, "it will itiful 

Wed. I 

I made no response. 

"You iJmll wear three large ostrich 
plume* and a necklace of ir 1 
continued the kind old gi-ntl 
"Afterward*, there will U- a l-alh-t 
entitl.-d Tlif Ti-iumtJi of f'lijm/, also 
acrobats, a .md a man who 

does lightning rart--.ii-. No one -hall 
aay ti I you these ximple 


"a little personal surprise in store; you 
hall see what it ia at the ceremony. 

Inwardly I reflected that to see myself 
then would ! all the surpri-e I should 
need, but. unwilling to pam him. I said 
nothing more, and sooo afterwards be 
buatleJ away upon bis preparations. 


a \<t i-s. 

111 II pel 
1 tllf 


_ ill f\ell ' 

ilill> f'.r Sir Hi I-KHT. I ! 
imiliar cursis. to | .' 

utterly :ilniii- Unw 

. having l''ll dear 

.lil l.ixi r .1 M K. whose 


\\ Wllll tllf Ilianqueradc 
: ' 

I Mill r tllf 

f.lillll' ill. Mllll I 

till lil. . 

:t which licing 
in the concln. In- \vniilil lie 

..lit, us 

Ttieir entrance in liue. 

my 1'ncle Lid. soiuewhut Dsteiitati 
named his principal reception 

led behind a pillar in 
mi nt. I watched the m:\gnili. 
of guests MS it trooped yliti. 

.lircase in Mppn-priate 

Very unwillingly 1 had permitted 
myself to U- attired in a costum-- 

_ principally of spangles and 
1. -scent lamps, quite unsuitable to 
my severe and class;, type of U-auty. 
n airaiii'. 
' i- in of a I 

ful w> somewhat transatlantic 

that I should conclude the 

.and in hand with the 
canopy upheld 
living hallft. 
how difi. 

ich 1 had anticipated! 
r had now taken tl,. pride. 

some ha: 

doom seemed to brood over the festive 
scene. 1'imly I wondered what was 
happening at dear old Meadowsweet, 

and what Would Ix- my | 

..ul. I he hut l-ehol-l the |>sition of his 

only daughter. 

Sudden] I 1 thought llms. 1 

iiiething which Caused the \-l> 

hln-d to frcv/c within my veins li 

will IN- noticed that I am liable to this 

hill ( 'lose to me. mingling 

with tin- cii.wd. I pi ; 

Papa, the pantomime villain, and my old 
|o\i-r.l\iK. Hut with what unspeakable 
shame did I Ix-hold them? What horrid 

enchantment had -. alten-d the familiar of my relative's demeanour? 

In a (lash I underst.-od. The pantomime 

imported by ( 'oii-in r'lo and 

spanion had pn-M-d too strong for 

,iir of Md. dnimia. and the 

fusion of the tw - had produced 

thai hybrid known a- Musical Cm. 

'I here could be 1:0 doubt aUiut it. My 
father and my . .. serenely- 

calm, were now |.i-.i.-.iinced sjn-ciiii- 
this niitprakahle type. It nettled not 
poor ' Trilby hat. his curly 

whiskeis. or hi- loud ch.-ck suit t 
their entrance in line 
with a hand iij-on his neighlxnir s 
shoulder, and oi.e leg held out at right 
would aloi - i rayed the 

'ul n uih. 

Tins then was the surprise which my 
1'iicle had predicted: it \\MSoneindeid! 
Pale with horror I turned to behold 
Sir lit mti Ki inniioi:i, standing ; 
me. Me looked older and more careworn 
than when I had la-t seen him. and his 
: I .-\pr. anon of i ne 
d in a hopeless struggle with fate. 
In his hands was a c 

"Aha!" he hissed, making. I could 

. ioleni effort to keep In 
clenched. " Aha. my dain' Then 

a >pasm ap, him. " Why." 

nldenly . " is Ix-rd 
like a potato ''. " 

I-'KUII tin-.' awful words I realised 

that the fatal influence of the place hail 

n to him. " I don't know 

what made me s.iy that." he added 

deiitly. " I 've been trying not to 

for d. 

In a moment I had made up my mind. 
Tin-re was little tim.- to |. .^e. f, ,| already 
reminiscences of WM.NI.I; were heralding 
the appearance of the bridal pair. 1 
could Bee the Prince, in a garment of 
glittering silver with white 
plumes in his hat. searching distractedly 
for me. < Ibvioii-ly the end v. 

" lil I'l:." I whispered hastily and the 
contraction was significant. ' III PE, let 

late! Let 

n hands and seek some distant 

1(1 which this cur-e of Humour 

cannot penetrate. You have still your 

dress clothes, and I ha\e my moral 

influence; with th.-e let us give 

FEBRUARY 1, 1905.] 



This explains why the surviving rela- 
tives arc always in Mark. 

A play entitled Min-li .\iln about 
Xiilliim/ has been produced at \\\- 
Majesty's Theatre. It is founded oil a 
play of the same name by Sll\Ksi'F\iu:. 

" Xew Hill at the Lyceum ! " runs 
an announcement. \Ve were certainly 
getting a liit tired of BAII.KY. 

The weakness of the Drury Line 
management in excising those parts of 
the pantomime to which the Itnily Mail 
in its "outrageous attack" took excep- 
; tion continues to excite comment. 

" Freiichmen's latest amusement," says 
j the Royal Mayazine, "is to fly inllateil 
figures of grotesque appearance, which, 
with a alight 
push, soar upward 
into the air, and 
come slowly to tin- 
ground." Poor 

Some surprise 
is being expressed 
that the Magazine 
of S)ioft Stones 
\ should be un- 
j represented at the 
| Dogger Bank In- 
quiry. _ 

It is a pity that 
the opponents of 
Alien Immigra- 
tion are not more 
careful as to their 
facts. Last week's 
issue of the Family 
Doctor contained 
the following 
statement : " Out of 100 new patients 
treated at one of the London eye 
hospitals, no fewer than 102 were 
aliens." We need scarcely point out 
that this is a gross exaggeration. 

A propos of Aliens, we notice that the 
Postmaster-General received, last week, 
a deputation protesting against the dis- 
figurement of the country by ugly tele- 
graph Poles. 

Coco, the wonderful monkey, promises 
to bring so much gold to the Palace 
Theatre that that place of entertainment 
is regarded as a veritable Cocos Island. 

The Ameer of AFGHANISTAN has asked 
for a seaport, and it is rumoured that 
Margate will be given to him. 

Shakspearian recitals at local Temper- 
ance II. ills then 1 at least there will be 
no amusement ! " 

Silently I held out my hands, he 
clasped them, and without a word we 
stole from thc.^pot. while behind us the 
music swelled to a climax. 

What happened when our flight was 
ereil, whether the wedding was 
.Mopped, or whether ( 'oilsin FIJI resinned 
her old place, and in due course entered 
(hose mysterious Halls for which she wa> 
so obviously suited, I may never know. 
Sir Rri'KHT and I dwell in a world far 
removed from such frivolity. 

lately, however, strange rumours 
have reached us of 'incidents" and 
"sketches," which by their extension 
may yet render these places fit even for 
a lady of such unblemished boredom as 

my own. In that case Dear HITERT 

has been looking 
over my shoulder. 
so I will end with 
his own words, 
words that he is 
never weary of 
repeating : 

" Murk me, a time 
will come " 

coming Naval Exhibition at Karl's Court 
from fear of wounding the feelings of 
oilier nations, ho could assure them that 
there would be no display of arrogance. 

Indeed, we understand that some of our 
defective gun-sights will be on view. 

It is hoped, by the by, that it will be 

possible to secure, as an exhibit, a 
British Merchant Sailor. 

Mr. Al(No|.l>-Fo|ts I'Kit having declared 
that he was not satisfied with what the 
public schools were doing for the Army. 
the Headmaster of Kton has written a 
spirited letter in defence of the WAKICI:- 
training of that < 'ollege. 

Mr. HAMHHY Aescs, according to a 
newspaper paragraph, has been adopted 
as Liberal candidate for the Everton 


KITENT events 
in St. Petersburg 
tend to show that, 
ijimi favourable 
co ml it in UK, the 
Russian Army, no 
less than the 
Baltic Fleet, can 
gain victories. 

.Meanwhile the 
outlook generally 
in Russia is so 


(From an old Print.) 

threatening that it is not at all impos- [ division of Liverpool, and many ignorant 
sible that the C/.\K may have to go to persons are asking, Who is he? Acos, 
Manchuria for safety. ; of course, is AGGS. 

Two French newspapers have so far 
forgotten the traditions of Gallic polite- 
ness as to open subscription lists for 
the benefit of the relatives of those 
slaughtered in St. Petersburg. 

The CZAR'S Address has now been 
published. A few days ago there were 
many versions of it. We know now that 

it was Tsarskoe Selo. 

Three little lions have been born at 
Haslemere Park, in Buckinghamshire. 
In these days of physical deterioration 
it is good to know that this country 
can still breed them. 

One of the latest additions to the 
"Carmelite Music" is Resignation. A 
good deal of it is in the air. 

It is thought possible that, when the 
Dissolution takes place, Mr. BALFOCR 
may finish Lord BEAOONSFIELD'S uncom- 
pleted novel. 

The Metropolitan Water Board lias 
decided to issue more stock. Will this 
be what is known as Watered Stock ? 

We are sorry to hear that there has 
been a considerable number of ice 
disasters at Juvenile parties lately. 

Admiral Fm;\i \MI.I-: has stated that. According to Professor MEEK the 

me persons seemed to be holding death-rate among lobsters is tremendous, 

back from participation in the forth- | only one in 40,000 reaching maturity. 

White Feather. 


PUNCH, OR THK I.<M>"N rH\RI\ AIM KM*. i, i. IK* 


hdy's name by pr. claiming himself a- the husband. 11. 
|icx\ ilderment. misunderstandings, assaults and ban- 
xvild pur-nits anil flight- in nu-t 

: confusion and mystery th:ii thickening 

en * 11. -.! I- till !:.' . i.iit one, xvh.-i. .'.;. .!..; 

:il ,.f tin- genuine hu-lund. Tin- iiii(l-Victi>ri;iii 

. '. tin' 

,ken axv.iy from t!.: 

fur tight: ' -cll-draxvii and amu-ing c ;unl 

ended with - 

' MinU-Ilt. 


JMI- YI t lhc< ne in .;' i 

Id never 

'. ' ' ' 

ige nf < 


Mr I 
fill hu 

ste as lii- 



tin-," and 
; the man whie 

the l ml iii honour :m unhurt 

<if Inn anv 


.f |n)iii!iir 
. ..linir.ilil 

Oxford dondom, xvith Ins 
ute, anil his ultimate lap-e 

journalism. More i 
ir.ililv i-xe'Mtel. are her 

|l\ .ill .-tu .lent.- of Knglixli literature, and by all admit 
of the varied work of WII.II-M .M x 1'iixiKKiir, 

entitled Tin- 7'/ii.-A-<-r.ii/ I'niiiili-i/. written by I.- 
.ily piibli-h'- I by 

Tllxi h: iitry. tin- liititl of 

xvus Hnhcmia; I I'l'.T. not l-"\xcr. Hnhcinia. rich in 
:i tr.i'iition. x\ lii-re men like lt'(irriii-;r.iii ami 

/'. a n-id.-l. 111 --neli i hainlxTs anil amiil sneh 
i|iie-r -iiri-oiin I Mufir 

Kii'l ( 'Inlilanil. In slimld'T on the nerasion of I, 
thi* unfashionable i|ii.irter, xxhen. l-inn ini.-taki'ii for 

e\p < le I i "t b iy , he xva- peremptorily bidden to " come in ' 

i fexv of the illii-tration.-. tin- Temple, 

exani) '.x hat unnccesNiry. 

The Han MI limits him-elf to three i ..rnvtii.n-. which In- 
make.- of his invn personal knoxvledge. It xva- not loi 

-I n but .\\Milxv AI;I iM'kM xvho. by xvay of 
lating TllxrM'KXY on the reading in public of his lir-t 
on the Four Gtoryrt, slid to him in hi- -ijiieakx \oice. with 
.me I. and peculiarly irritating, cneknev mam: 

g axxide range, frnai l.nrin Hnrilcii, of the 
telligence and mb in l'l"*\f \\'<ilker. 

of the H|iinsbury bouding-houao ideal-, mi h and ri<ij. 
the Mall- nakirg l:erapjal I.- .lily, higher 

or lower, or winicthi- i. in the same n. . 

Miss StXi "f herself. That is 

why she will nnt U- hurri !. but moves through her gradual 
scheme with so leisured a erenity ; why her style, fluent and 

facile d eloquence; why her humour Hrayvo! Tim K. my I HIV! I'm-omnion good 

pbrswilh n diffused light overall her xvork and seldom Iliads j t 'H never go iriilfnl ,1 /n',i/iin >:" A- nearly a- the Hanm 
the advert isen - intillating epigrams. Judged by ,-. m rememlier. thi- i- Imxv A him-elf told it to him. 


rvferml. 1 find her b 

- . 

, . 

to which a ouncily like this should !M. thereby corroborating THM-KKUXX/S oxvn version of 
ok the in<*t remarkable that 1 have which" the Hanm heard from TIIXIKKIIXY him-elf. on an 

Fortunatelv in Ain>rio\. which has a vastly wider reading 

exceptional occasion, when it was the Harou's |vri\ile_ 

ited \vith him, PBBCIVAL LetOH, and MXKK tin- 

public, and. at linns, a ki euer tl<iir f.-r genius, Tli,- l>ir,,i,' /',./, dinner table after nu-st of the company had left. 
Firr Iwn I- -I xxith instant enthiisia-m. This must T],,,,, j t was ,],;,( as Tmrkii:x\ xva- reennntiiig "the I >i 

be Miss SIM i. XIH'- consolation when -he finds herself in the ;M1 ,| V \ in- affair " at the Garrick Club, he brought down 

vim have misled honour |J M w ;,|, ,.!, .,,, ( .,,,phatic thump on the arm of hi- 

thai he considerably -tartled the youngest of the party. It 
xxa- little ANMIII.W AI;I KI-KCKM:. ti.i. win ectea entr 

into the Oarrick smoking-room so di-<. M\. MH\V 

xvho at the moment was in the middle of limn : 
Mi TV. with which he xva- entertaining a circle of adinir. 
that he suddenly dried up, just as though In- xvciv an 
inexperienced and nervoii- young actor who had forg 
his part. Wheri'tipon AacEDBCKXE, quietly lighting 

ad<lre--ed the gn-at man, in a cheerfully jialnmi-ing ma 

xvith the-e delightfully inappropriate w-ord-. 

army of pmphels and sibyls 
in their \x u . i iinti 

LaHy /'cm-/../.-. l,y M. K. V. Win IK t 

.f the irre-pinsib'e ty|>e. Wilh its bright 

mstling incident it suggests possilulu 

11 in the form of a milling farcical comedy. 

. - \ i IN : n . spirited 


-' Ifl ...'..):.,! 

though tl -ii difficulties in the p'ot which 

drsmatiiit might find in-uper.ible The hemine, 

, ItrnfUiHj. ha- eight dexoit-l suitors, a fanatical dis- 
r pnblii-ity if -mart weddings, and no ,-en-e 
of humour whatever SI.- her unhappy suitors to a 

j. ri.-l i>f probation nn the Ku-kinian - :>ring them 

nff in uncongenial omples xvith instructions lo learn to 
tolerate one another, in the ho|>e that hhe will eventually 
reward one of them wilh her hand, but mi the distinct nnder- 
-t. Hiding that tlie will anyone knoxv who her 

Im-Umd in, while he, lii<-xer he max i-.- xxill ., 
experted to conceal i>er suitors. 

.(,..! : ; ; . - - . 

she has married one of them, but dn-lines. to say which. 
And when in dun course nn annntincctn . the 

Hirth- M.lumn of tin- Timrt. it gives /..- 

unmarried surname onl 

mystery, but causes a st-iindal. Whereupon each ^ 
bom mistaken motives of inpts to save 

warbler, your story inten-t- me much." TIIXI Mi:\> ma.!- 
retort, but hastily left the room. 

This the Huron long, long 
ago had from the al..n-aid 


AMl:l.x\. \vho.-4. 

he much 

cullixated, and also from that 
inimitable , Situ;ii\ 

The third en 

.iing the Karon's family 

!'th in the U^ik and 

its index \\ ell there 'a the 

danger of running into n -mi- 

:' iloll pull- 
up s! 

Mr. l.i MI IK'S 

in all and sundrv. 



FEBRUARY 8, 1905.] 




"CAN you see anything of her? " said 
the infant, whose range of vision WHS 
limned to smoking chimneys and electric- 
tram standards, owing to its supine 
ui in the mail-cart. 

" Yes, I can see her right enough," 
replied Twoyears, craning round the 
hood and peering through the glass 
door into the dim interior of the draper's 
simp, \vlieiv Nurse sat absorbed at the 
ri lil ion counter. 

"How much longer is she going to 
be?" inquired the infant, peevishly 
squirming about under the strap. 

( ili, give her time," said Twoyears ; 
" she's only had seven boxes down yet. 
The postman winked at her this morn- 
ing, you know, so she 'a buying a new 
ri lil)' in for her cap on the strength of it. 
Oh don't start crying, for goodness 
sake ; I get enough of that in the 
nursery. Do draw it mild in the mail- 

" Rut I 'm teething," whimpered the 

"Well, if you are you'd better keep 
it to yourself, or they'll start vaccinating 
you at once." 

" What ! " ejaculated the baby, " don't 
I suffer enough as it is with my gums 
but they must go and dig holes in my 
arm, and then grumble if 1 cry." 

" Ah, that's where they have you ! 
They vacci natc you when you 're teething, 
so that one cry does for both. Being 
the eldest of the family I fell into the 
trap but you take my tip, cry now for 
your gums and in six months' time for 
your arm, even though it 's quite better." 

"But they'll think me such a dis- 
agreeable baby if I cry for nothing." 

" I daresay they '11 do that anyhow." 

Uncertain how to take this the baby 
pulled down its lip as the easiest way 
out of the dilemma, when the other 
hastily interposed 

"Come cheer up, Chummie you 're 
not in your bath anyhow and if you 
were you 'd have a better time than I 
did at your age. That was before we 
made our money. We only kept a 
general. I shan't forget Mother's first 
attempt at bathing me." 

" Did you cry ? " said the infant with 

" Yes, to a certain extent, but not so 
much as she did and oh, how hot she 
got ! She was frightened of drowning 
me. so as soon as 1 saw an opening I 
slipped into the deep water of the basin, 
and she nipped me out in no time. It 
was a dodge worth repeating. Not that 
pretending to drown in soapy water is 
all jam. But you 're young yet for that 
sort of thing and anyhow you'll find 
people won't worry you as long as you '11 
keep asleep." 


Young Tady (sweetly). " I *I.L TRY NOT TO." 

" Oh, won't they ? " said the baby. " I 
don't believe there 's a single person of 
my acquaintance, from Nurse's aunt to 
the Kitchenmaid's grandmother, but 
runs her finger round my gums every 
time we meet." 

" Oh women ! Perhaps so you 're 
one of them ; but you won't find men 
noticing a kid of your sex and age." 

" But they do. Nearly every man in 
the street speaks to me as he passes." 

'' Well, it 's very unusual, then," cried 
Twoyears. " What do they say ? " 

"They say, 'Hallo, Baby! how's 

"Well, of course," said Twoyears 

after a pause, "I don't want to doubt 
your word, but it 's unusual. You are a 
girl, aren't you?" 

" I believe so," said the infant doubt- 
fully. "I fancy I heard Nurse say so." 

" Oh, you must be, from the bonnet. 
If you were a boy, like me, you 'd wear 
a fluffy white mortarboard thing two 
sizes too large for you, with a tendency 
to tilt .over one eye. You 're a girl right 
enough, though what they want more 
girls for beats me. There's a baby girl 
next door, two opposite, and hundreds 
of them in the Park. What 's the good 
of them ? that 'a what I want to know." 

" You wait a bit," said the infant. 


8, : 


and MI. I. 


(if plot, ao bare of rtroog aitaationa, and \. 

arouae audience 

conditiona of F.ngjiahnvtti and I 

of hoacat eathnaiaam aa seldom greeta even an exceptionally 

- ..... 

roent of Mr. LEWB WAUJX aa a Manage 

hia own imparaaoatioo of the warrior Kin. he 

chivalrous, and to the intelligent acting of a first rate 

' ctunateJy on the occasion of tl I'undt 

Repreaentaiivr to the Imperial Theatre. Miaa MAKV ROUE, 
who ahoold have played the part of Chum*, one of th. 

ptional channa of thia revival, was suffering from lose of 
e. and unable to appear. The entire au<i 
palhiaed with her, aa they also auffcn-d from l< 
and that voice, he: 

The caat ia too full there are aoinc thirty eight speaking 
part* for thia Representative to give adequate praise t. 
and every one, where all are to exceptionally good, lie 
would like to see Mr. FRVXK DTALI, as the Dtedbn, more 
lively, gay. and light-hearted, than he is; for is he not the 
practical humourist who has pent that box of tennis ball- : 
the Knglish King ? The I'auphin should be in strong coi. 
to HKXBV. reminding one rather of what the latter had 
when he waa HABRT Moxv 

Mr. THOM is Kuranux. as Corporal Nym, overdoes the make- 
up and the business of this |rt, notably where his by-play 
detract* from the pathetic interest aroused by the llottrts'* 
(Miaa M. GRIFFIX) touching!? natural description of th, 
f Sir John Falitaff. Mr. WIU.IAM CALVEBT'S Itardolplt is 


The rendering by Mr. Jt.iix liui CHAMP of two characters so 
distinct aa the determined but courtlv .lrrA6iWiu/< <>f C,,nter- 
onryand the v;icillating French King I'ltnrlr* the S'tfth. i- 

adnurabJa, Full of humour is the \\Vi-h Captain Oman* of 
Mr. FJ.MIM, FKRVIS. th..ugh. if he will , utlg.-l the unfortunate 
l'i*ol so severely, it aeeins to me that Mr. WIIJUM MOM is.. s 
the artistic representative of this couardly. bombast ie 
amusing knave, the List of poor FaHaf* followers, takes the 
chaatpni.-nt far too stolidly, rarely uttering a < TV, hardly 
writhing, and never once attempting to e*ca|-. 

Than Miax Km: Id SKI\ as the It,,,,. Fal*t,i1T* page, no better 
repraacubitiie o.uld U- foun.l. "ih-r French <i.n\, 
and her acting as the interpreter between swaggering bully 
I'lftiJ and the unfortunate French nobleman i who 
ought not to U- represented by Mr. CHARUV MCTEH as so 
utterly abject a victim', is thoroughly natural, and add- 
greatly to the humour of thia absurdly burlesque seen- 
the way, bow baa it come about that this sharp-witt.-.i 
decently educated youth should liave Iwn in the confidential 
aanrwe of the Fat Knight and his company of blackgu 
Much might be written on this j.. 

Miaa SABAH Baoou ia charming as Kail,,,,-,,,,; and the light 
couruhip duologue between th.- Fn-n, I, I'rinceaa, speaking 
I** ?* kngn 'f B flueoU y- <" d King Henry, whose education 

L^S !* * ecl * d tomt cannot, aa a linguist, be classed 
with ralnaf, page, attempting. to expreas Wmsclf in the 
aame tongue, ia, aa a detached scene, a delightful bit ,,f 
comedy, recalling for a moment, aa doea the practical joke 
of the leek, the days when the King, a gay > 
about town, larked with , lg quite ^r. 

the euquette that now felt .. the wfcrmed rake, ,!,. 

maaly, ptooa and Muff aoldi. 

in-art il> d..-- Mr. I'nn.-i 

Mr WuHi on in, rendering of this tine dedamatorj p.m. 

and on -the entire representation. (ireat prais.- is di. 
Meftsr- II. ind I'-V-K- for their effei-ti\. ,nd 

! his inu-ic. though one ran ii 

little t..i much of even this good thill: t \|||.'- Ill 

illft il'action. 

Mwiit thai a vast majority in uV rnutn 
ed to fiscal r. ! uu. t- l,.n,. inenuo of nil 

jwd to 
opinion on tin- m -: \ .juv-i; n ..( tin- hour.] 

\- Thought at-i|iiin-s an ampler swav 
I ve watched the old illusions die. 
And felt it only right to lay 

The facts IN- fore the common eye; 
1 've admitted a gradual breach 

In the faiths that we u-e.l i 
Hut to one 1 hau- i-lung like a h-ech 
I allude to the Power of the 



When xceptics llms a-.^iiled my creed : 
"niese writers by the day or 

;|*Tiiatural breed 
Of genius, giant, god or freak '? " 
1 replied, "They are human, ! 

But the might that they wield with the | en 
Is a very mysterious f. 

As employed in the moulding of men ! " 

Sime *iy it \\.i- tin- breakfast hour, 

\Vhen intellects are passing cheap, 

Which gave the Press its pov 

r a public dazed with si. 
For myself not a rap do I care 

How it t-ame to impose on the brain ; 
It has burst like a bubble in air, 
Ii has snared to the sightless inane ' 

Vainly, to judge by truant votes, 

Sime 85 per cent. . 
Of London 1 ! joiirnali.stic th: 

I'rge the reforms of Fiscal .bn ; 
I-'or the louder they din in her . 

That her commerce is going a-ke\\ . 
The more (irmly the country ad I 
To pn-ci-ely the opposite view. 

Yet reader> love the patriot jge ; 

N'o Little Fiiglanders are tl: 
For joy of F.mpire they '11 engage 

ami iiii'iirk all you please; 
I hey have dreamt an Imperial 

Ofthe Fowl and her Filial l!r..|. 

lint they couldn't consent to a >,-|,e ..... 

That affected the bulk of their F 

It w-nis, at sight, a trivial phrase 

/ hii It,- Hi,;int to iiKikc it /..'" 
^ et none who knows our little \v 
Will wonder how it hurt the Press ; 
! or your HriUm '.- 

When you get at hi.- innermost core; 
Hi- regard for the M,,,l '^ imniei. 
Hut the love of his tummy i.- in .. - ' 

i i. S. 

WF. learn from th, ,| M , . Mr ( . (MM _ 

' :.g at (lain^.rough all the iMMIgu. 
onthepLltfonn .- n - t.,k,-,,. Sun-ly a . 


orPAd<j<: . 



[" The Boers, we are told, regard General BOTHA'S declaration as nailing Sir HENRY CAMrnELL-BANNERjiAN to his speech at South Queensferry, 
so that, whenever his party comes into office, he may remember his pledge to grant autonomy to the new Colonies." " Times," January 3\.] 

FEBRUARY 8, 1'.' 15 





DUWIG uu-n-i/t^/ \iiw WWWIVM- - / 



AGAIN the firelight shadows mix 
Their mazy dance, and on mine ear 

Soft steals through intervening bricks 
The strain that once I held so dear. 

"I'is but a simple-sounding thing, 
Yet ere an hour or so hath sped 

I feel a hopeless longing spring 

Within my breast to know you dead. 

Oh count me not a Philistine, 

One of that rude, untutored throng, 

Which (inly designates divine 
The music of a dinner-gong. 

Go, ask my relatives and those 

Who know me best, and they 'llagree 
That 'neath this cold exterior glows 

A heart attuned to harmony. 

Oft, oft will organ-grinders pause 
To ga/o upon me i" their play, 

Incredulous thai they should cause 
A rapture such as I betray. 

And many a wandering minstrel's eye 
Hath shed a soft Teutonic tear 

Within a generous mug of my 
Imported Munich lager beer. 

And yet your music stirs in me 
No subtly-sweet responsive thrill, 

Its one achievement seems to be 
To make me most supremely ill. 

Is it, perchance, because your fond 
And faithful fancy scorns to roam 

To melodies that lie beyond 

The narrow range of " Home, Sweet 

Or does this lonely, brooding heart, 
That craves a silent hour, condemn 

The way in which you always start 
At nine and play till two A.M. ? 

I know not, friend ; I only know 
That if you do not shortly cease 

I mean to summon you to go 
Before a Justice of the Peace. 

" FOUR men who robbed a shop at 
Shipley were traced by a trail of patent 
food." In fact the Force (headed possibly 
by P.-C. SUNNY JIM) was on their track. 


How I wonder where you are ! 
You who thought it best to fly, 
Being so afraid to die. 
Now the sullen crowds are gone, 
Now there 's nought to fire upon ; 
Sweet your sleigh bells ring afar, 
Tinkle, tinkle, little CZAJI. 

Little CZAR, with soul so small, 
How are you a CZAR at all ? 
Yours had been a happier lot 
In some peasant's humble cot. 
Yet to you was given a day 
With a noble part to play, 
As an Emperor and a Man ; 
When it came "then NICKY ran." 

Little CZAR, beware the Lour 
When the people strikes at Power; 
Soul and body held in thrall, 
They are human after all. 
Thrones that reek of blood and tears 
Fall before the avenging years. 
While you watch your sinking star, 
Tremble, tremble.'little CZAR ! 




MI Tin: 

t 'lIU I > 

hall , and he 



Mrt .l.i.i. in An 

V li. 

m, M t delightful 

ndly ami 


i/nf I" M 

I'M I/Km, My husband anil 

lii-plv distressed t hav.- put 
out your table List evening, but it was 
( thoN*" a. that vur now 

and then, and which there is no fore 
or remedying. The fact is thai 
i r.-ady 1,1 go and had ordered 
the car. when it transpired that .Vim IK. 
our chauffeur, had IK-.H called to I/mdon 
by telegram, and had left in so f 
hurry that he had no time t.i warn us 

rried I must now repeat the 

month's notice that I then was f, : 
gne. and the permission for \ mi to l.-a\e 
at any time within the month if you 
like. I am, \our.s faillifull\. 

Al'IMAX Al:\r 

Mr Amn/iif 


/M.< tir/Jifir Sidney 

is altogether moat 

. have someone 

to talk French with. \M:I vs'* conversa- 
tional r rvnch 
maty. You rememU-r how m that little " Irrv tli; " '"' liacl "" ' " " s 

hop at A - .' M > tn<% l""''e c,,,,ld have sent to th, 

\\ ....... il'age and got carriage j m dinn 

would have h .:id - . we divide. 

II. to go at all. A i n: - no) ye 

Mr Adrian Armynf f./ tlif ( 'onuerral ire returned, which makes us fear that tin 

DOOr fellow, who hnn rclntii-M in S.,1... 

Ma. AI*I i.v Aumre presents his com- 
plimrata to Mr. RiaaroiD, and g- 
regrets what must look very like a slight 
m hi* absence from the chnir r 
night'* meeting, but < inumstancv 

be had no control caused him to 
miss the way in hie motor-car and after 
warda to break down at a spot wl 

Tliere s. nothing for it hut 

( s.-ll our car. This j, a great Mow to 

Us, hut we cannot go on as we are. 

apparejitly owning a c;ir but in reality 

| .'Wiieil |,v a chailffi-nr. 

iellow. \vhii has rrlatives in 

'ave f id real tp.nhle. 

ins sincerely. KMIIV .\n\n\t 

Mr. Amii/ii,- In Arhlllr I 

DEAR AOIIU-K. I am very aorry to 
have to tell you that it has been made 

irw 10 oreax down at a spot where it n 1 "ss;iry for us to ask you to go. This 
is impossible to get anv other vehicle. '" ""' "" ''''"it "f any dissatisfaction 
Mr. AXXTKE cannot too emphatic-ally '''"twehavewithyon. but men-ly that Mr- 
express his regret at the occurrence, anil -VmmiE has heard of the son of an old 
his hope that trust in his good faith as housekeeper of her father's who wishes 
a worker in the cause of Fiscal Reform fo rapO8tas chauffeur, and she feels it 
may nol he permanently shattered. "".'>' "K.I" 'hat he should lx> given a 

trial. You will. I am sure, see how the 
case stands. Perhaps we had letter say 
that a month's notice begins from to-day, 

UUB AunrxE. I think you might to '"" >'"" ma - v lcave M m "ch earlier as 
know tliat I cume across your Frenchman i *"?" j 6 ' l slw11 - " f "" Ir 8. be only too 
with a gun in the I/mer Spinney this I'."* 8 ? 1 to do all I can tofind youanmh, r 
morning, evidently intending to get " ltll!ll '"n. I should have told you this 

in person, but had to go to town, and 
now write because I think it would be 
wrung not to let you have as airly ai 
intimation of Mrs. ARJIYXK.'S division as 


I'rrnow lioyet to Mr. Armyne. 


OMMy Itiir>it-l In Mr. Annt/nr. 
I't ^ : lon't M'll the car. The 

thing to do is to pp-tcuil t,, v,,|| , ( ^,,., 

rid of your NimnoN. and thru have it 
hack. Why not say I have bought it? 
I will come over one day soon and drive 
it home. Say Thursday morning. 
Your affectionate nephew. 



Me explained to me 
that ho distinctly underst>d yoiutosay 
that he was at liberty to shoot there 
How such a misunderstanding can have 
arisen I ,-annot guetw. but he is now 
clearly informal as to divisions of land 
and other matters which apparently are 
different in France. It is all right, but 
I think V.HI ought to keep an e ve on 
Yours Hiii.-crrly. 

VEHXON- Bonz. 


MrM. Armynf tn her fitter, 

is certainly very useful, 
although his mercurial French 
little too ouJfffB 

tores. For 

t)11 i T i 

iM--- 1 UOfQ 

<).-r .!. 

inatanoe, we" 


eapecially aa w 
id, hut AlttlAX 



: : . . : 

Vli:; ' 1 !-:. ad .:::.:..:. 

"I ' II I I 

possible. I am. 

Yours faithfully. 



Mi: Arntytir I,, Aflnlle Is 
(By hand.) 

Ai'iiHXE, I am afraid that a 
letter which was posted to you fr,,,,, 
London when I was last there, a month 
ago, cannot have reached you. Ix-H.-r- 
are sometimes !<,(, and this must b, 
" of them. In it I ] m ,l f, inform 
ou that Mrs. AnxK.. lining made 
arrangements for an Knglisli chauffeur 
who has claims on her consid. 
(being the son of an old hoiiM-ke, 
her father's, who was in his service for 
many years, and quite one of the family , 
was .cessary for us, much 

L-^S* 1 wr W ' U ' tor Vn <eeih 

liighly, to ask you to go. As that 

Mr. Armi/ii>- t<> Mr. Xi.lnry Jliirnrt. 
MY DEAR SlDNET,- Your plan s.fms to 
me to be ingenious, but your aunt i* 
Opposed to it. She KIVS 'that Ai IIIII.K 

might hud it out. Suppose, for 
sample, lie came back for something he 
iad forgotten and saw the car in tin 
coach-house again! What sh.,,,ld we 
lo ? Another objection is that poor .Ion 
s ill, and ACHILLE remarked to me the 
(her day that before he took to 
engineering he was a gardener 
what I know of him this means that. 
unless JOB gets better. ACDLU ,: 
ptan is carri,-d through will ask to be 
retained in Jon's place, and thi.- will 
mean that we shall never see asparagus 
or strawberries again. Don't you think 
that we might go to town, and you ,0, Id 
ride over to "Highcroft" and give 
AaaUM notice yourself for me? \\ V 
will go to town tomorrow, and yon 
might see ACHILLE on Monday. 

Your affectionate uncle. 


Sidney Burnet to Mr. Ari>it/,,r. 
DEAKUKCLE, I went over and Kicked 
ACHILLE tOKlay as arran-ed. but he 
replied that he could take notice only 
from you; and that from what A tint 
hiin.Y had said to him just hefm 
went away he is sure there ha - 
some mistake. As to notice from you 

I m afraid the beggar's right Jl. 

o have taken advanlage of your absence 
" bmld a nsilly rather cli.v.r p,-rgol.i 
*X '' "" F.Min'- sitting -r.,m 

" the KM walk, aa a nupriae for Mr- 
Vi.-vnM. he said, lie baa also r- painted 

'II y,.ur bookahdves and iuende<l that 

mofhbnrystepa. With thedi.s,, :i tch 

FEBRUARY 8, 1905.] 



f this bulletin I retire from the position 
f discharger of Frenchmen. 

Your affectionate nephew, 



Mrs. Jack Lyon to a /riVW a few 

months Lilt'i: (Kttr- 
You remember the AIIMYNES ? In 
1,-puir at ever getting rid of their 
liauffeur, who certainly led them ; 
earful dance, although lie was rather a 
lear creature, the poor things let their 
louse for a year anil decided to travel, 
have just heard from BELLA, from 
'lorence, that she met them toiling u|> 
I,,, hill to Fiesole the other day, and 
)ehind them, carrying Mrs. AiiMYXri's 
asd, \vas who do you think? The 
chauffeur ! 


[" ' How do you like North Dorset ? ' asked a 
working man "of Mr. HAI.KOMI in Manchester. 

I have no objection to North Dorset; v nin-t 
take these things as they come,' replied the 
PKF.MIEH, who then shook hands with his nm-r- 

ocutor and stepped into his carriage." Daily 

As Mr. ALFRED LYTTELTON was returning 
the other day from an amateur theatrical 
performance of A Chinese Honeymoon, 
he was accosted by a sandwichman, who 
asked him, " What price Chinese wives 
and families in the Transvaal?" "My 
good man," replied Mr. LYTTELTON, 
have no objection to Chinese wives and 
families. We must take these things as 
they come, or don't come," and, politely 
handing the man a choice Borneo cigar, 
the Colonial Secretary adroitly turned 
into an "A B C," where he ordered 
birds'-nest soup and roast puppy. 

" What do you think of the Board of 
Trade Returns?" asked an Aston Villa 
Forward of the ex-Colonial Secretary, as 
Mr. CHAMIIKHI.UX was recently making 
some purchases in Birmingham. " \\ hat 
do I think of the Board of Trade 
Returns?" echoed Mr. CHAMBERLAIN in 
his most genial tones. " Why, I think 
they 're perfectly lovely ! Of course I 'm 
not going to take them lying down, but 
that 's no reason why they should make 
me sit up." With these words Mr. 
CHAMBERLAIN presented his questioner 
with a choice orchid, patted him on the 
back, and took a flying leap into a 
passing hansom. 

As Mr. BRODRICK was leaving the India 
Office a few days ago, he was hailed by 
an omnibus-driver with the trenchant 
query, "How do you like I/ml CHRZQN?" 
Mr. BRODRICK, with that sunny smile and 
ready tact which have endeared him to 
all classes in the community, immediately 
rejoined: "What's the matter with 
Lord CI:RZON ? He 's all right ! " The 


Lady Gralington (to very distinguished artist, whom she has just met for the first time). Do 
' FOR HER DON'T You KNOW ! " [Distinguished artist thinks it would, and feds rery highly flattered 

_' __"' ~ 

'bus-driver shook his head, but Mr. 
BRODRICK, determined not to miss an op- 
portunity of conciliating public opinion, 
mounted the top of the omnibus, and 
taking a front seat drove off in such 
absorbing conversation with the Jehu 
that the 'bus ran into one of the lions in 
Trafalgar Square. 

As Mr. GEOROE WYNDIIAM was on his 

way to read a paper on SHAKSPEARE'S 

i sonnets in relation to the Irish Bacon 

| trade at Mr. SIDNEY LEE'S superb mansion 

in Kensington, he was suddenly stopped 

!by an infuriated Orangeman from 

I Belfast, who shouted at him, " What do 

you think of Ulster now?" "Oh, I 

suppose I mustn't complain of Ulster," 

replied the Irish Secretary. "It is all 

in the day's work." With this he 
pressed a fine cabinet photograph of Sir 
ANTONY MACDOXNELL on his interrogator 
twirled his moustaches to their bes' 
RODIN sleekness, and hurried off to Lex 
ham Gardens. 

" Where 's your WILLIE SHAKSPEARF 
now?" asked a member of the Stage 
Society of Mr. BEERBOHM TREE, as the 
great Actor-Manager stood on the step? 
of the Garrick Club, thoughtfully pe 
rusing a telegram from a contortion is 
who wanted a leading part in the nex 
revival of King Lear. "Anywhere bu 
in my theatre,' replied the Friend of the 
Footlights, turning lightly on his hee 
and disappearing through the histori 
swing doors. 





the (ftiffn found h- Attained I. ,IM./ 

. njpv/cif to 6* 

TnB bull. 

wa* inflame 

an a 

tho e 

and without 
the Queen h 


responsible d.vl.nv- here he opened his book and 
from it -"'that it shall . .t ! lawful for a King or 
. :ite the Crown U-fore tin- at. 1 
iiall certainly do ii -aid SYLVIA. 

continued the Lml Chancellor d -iX'-dl 

Kin. nee been proclaimed and duly 

ug made the startling -Mr title, and 

' etui*".' M shall in no way l,e di-turl>ed or impaired 

veil ir.niicd d r ini|M-di-d in the ! functions by 

fell the incident any penon WOO may a -rt a superior claim to the Cr..wn'.' 
was the Thii-y.'Ui- M.ij.-ty Mill ; :l,at even if. to suppos.- an 

unhappily impossible cose, your royal father Mere to return. 

i at DIIII-," she said in a tone of he could in no M.I\ disturb your M \oiirthr 

ng Ui i message ' '"' I'"" 1 ' Chancellor ended and looked round solemnly. 

but at this |-iiiit the Naval Mine-Stick could be restrained ii,. 
: Mill IN- an api-caramv of longer. Me broke from the l..i. k^round and from SAKUI'- 

;., and ru>hed to the C^iii-en. 
tuiasory wax introduced II. ".\\a-t there, my Lord Chancellor." he .-limit. 

i his uniform glittered And a- lor you. my la-s. my pretty little las-, you -h.ill have 

want ay. ami you shall lie Ou.-en still, (Jod bless 
It was for this reason that hi* you 1 ' 
i for the mission for tin- rea-m. "Ami pray. Sir." said Svi.m icily, "who are you that you 

the language of Hinterland fluently should 

\t*i _. i i t " \v\... 

When Ii. " Who am I '.' ' said the Naval Hlue Stick; " why, bless vour 

t mad* a low obeisance, and then, drawing him- . I'm your father. Oh, no wonder but 

Hied a letter a: I wasn't drowned, and I 've conn- back to make vou happv 

OTBO I ve got all my proofs; hut this lady" he turned to the 

in-lit for pre-enta- < I rand I>uehe-s " wiU noogniae her inoncgram tattooed upon 

tion to your Maje- read it and honour me by my arm"; and he bared his riht arm In-fore his wife, who 

permitting roe to take your gracious commands as to the wild look at it and then, in oU-dience to the 

answer I am to convey to my King." violence of her emotions and the traditions of he' 

I * II 111* n 1 1 * _ 1 . - 

With this he bowed again and handed the letter to Smu, 
who broke the seal and rend it. Then she looked up with 
a flushed face, and her eyes met the anxious eyes of her 

"Yes, Mamma," she said. " the letter is indeed from Kin K ' 
Omo. He declares his unalterable affection for n 
me to marry him when I shall have reached the age of 
seventeen. Oh, Mamma, I am so happy ! " And she sought 
her mother's side and flung her arms about her neck. 

"1 trust," amid her mother, "he may be worthy of you 
You may be sure at any rate that you will find no obstacle to 
your happiness in me." 

"Your Highness," interposed the Lord Chancellor, who 
had by no means taken in good part the enforced interruption 
of his le. ur Highness forgets the fundamental law 

which mak<* the consent of both parents essential." 

"But / had not forgotten it,' 1 said Sam with dignity. 
" My mind ia irrevocably made up. As Queen I could not 
break a law. As subject I can, and I mean to, be the conse- 
quences what they may. On my seventeenth birthday I shall 
abdicate, and shall then marry Oreo." 

At this terrible declaration a shudder of horror seemed 
to go through those who heard it. The emissary started 
back, and placed his hand before bis eyes as though to shut 
out some dreadful spectacle ; the Grand Duchess fell into a 
chair and gave way to tears; and the N.u.d Mine-Stick 
having darted forward, was clutched by SABVH, who, in the 
midst of her own distracted feelings, was yet able to counsel 
him to preserve that self-restraint which his office and the 
presence of the monarch rendered necessary. The I 
Chancellor too was moved, but he soon regained his compo- 
sure and cleared his throat and spoke : 

-iid. -to point out to your Majesty 
that another fundamental law forbids the course'you propose 

,. _L_ * * 

screamed slightly and fainted away. 


In this fashion MIU*:W[\M> was restored to his family, and 
the Queen found her father. I n.-ed hardly add that the 
consent of Uith parents was j,'iven to SYI.VU' uent, 

and that on her seventeenth birthday she was married to 
Kintf Onto of Ki-M-nblut. Rith they and their sul.j.-ets are 
bappy, ami their son. a promi-in lad. will one day- 
reign over the two Kingdoms united in one. 

TIJ>: (AH. 

Strenuous Teddy's Mew Billet. 

A ft-u/er cable from Washington -tat.--, that "the 11 
Representatives Committee on [fater-State and l-Wei^n i 
merce lias authorised a favourable rc|,ort on the Mann Mill, 
abolishing the Panama Commie-ion, ami placing the work 
of constructing the Canal entirely i,, the hands of the Presi- 
dent of the United Statet." 

Why not call it frankly the One Mann Mill ? 

\\IHT Ihvurr SVYS m IT. Mrs. KKMUI., at tl, 
Vagabonds dinner, is reported to have concluded her speech 
with the>. ible words, "lam determined to tr. 

part of Hamlet." Ahem ! S\IS\H H. <lir| it. NO why i 

A propot, the Queen in Hamlet ol, The lady 

" ' 

doth protest too much, methinks." 
rephes, " 0, but she '11 keep her word." 

Whereupon 11,,,,,1,'t 

to take 

"lam tired of your fundamental lawm," observed Smu 
not with-mt petulance "thoroughly tired." 

r Majesty," continued the Lord Chancellor, " has my 
full sympathy. The law, however, for which I am in no way 

WHY i*v.; is v. "-it couhl no, be raided 

Mallre BOBU Interviewed -.nicernin > { the work of .1 VMK> 

: ,d. wi ,|,i n ., 
Mr. !>!; ,,, Id no 

in. \\III.STI.KR. f.-ll into 

minutes ,up popped Vajuqaa . o 

the head of CHAKLIS THK FIRST otit of his Memorial than can 
one, speaking about WHIMU.I:. omit VELASQPEZ l'...r 
K 8 ' MurU-d -pirit. Whv can't he be left 

alone, that is, without VKI.\S<.>- 

FF.HRIIARY 8, 1905.] 








A WF.KKI.Y paper has the following: 

"January , at , to Mr. and Mrs. 

, another dear little girl." 

No doubt this marks the beginning of 
a new departure in journalism. The 
birth-column has long been regarded as 
monotonous and prosaic. The stereo- 
typed form is now likely to disappear, 
and in its place we may expect to see 
the spontaneous and untrammelled ex- 
pression of parental joys. This is the 
style we anticipate : 

February 8, at Cradley, to Mr. and Mrs. 
SMITH, a bouncing boy this time (the 
very image of his pa). 

February 10, at Kidderminster, to Mr. 
and Mrs. QUIVERFUL, twins again ! 

February 12. Mr. and Mrs. GIRUXGTON 
have the inexpressible delight of 
announcing to their numerous 
friends that they have now fourteen 
(laughters, instead of thirteen, as 
formerly. Mr. and Mrs. G. are, 
however, rather sorry it wasn't a 
I H iy. 

The Bogie Principle applied to 

THE following advertisement for an 
artiste in the Illusionist line of business 
appears in the Stage : 

TIT ANTED. Young Girl ... One used 
' ' to Ghost Bus. 

More Commercial Candour. 

's Annual Sale is now proceed- 
ing. Remnants in all departments this 
day. New Grill Room has been added.' 
Daily DispiUcJi. 


bit-vcle and insurt 

your life. Catalogue of a Cycle Com- 

WE are glad to learn that thai 
famous Head Master, Dr. TURING o: 
Uppingliam, has become an eponymous 
hero. The Yorkshire Post, in an 
obituary notice of the Rev. THEOPHILI;? 
ROWE, speaks of him as having been at 
one time Assistant Master at " Upping 





:'I>li XII 

llotc ihf YMVI found lu-r fatker. rrtsinrif ktr ervtfn, and 
mpt.jrd to be murr, 

'> Urtling n: 

tune of 
11 I*- an appearance of 

responsible, declares" here he opened \n< Umk and rea< 

froi ' 'tliat it shall not lie lawful f. T a King or n ~ 

j to abdicate the I'rown l 

"I shall n-rt.uiily do it ill sixty," said Svi.m. 

,iied tip- I/.rd Chancellor doggedly, " ' n 
i having omv been pnn-L. I dul; 

.:ned t.. have an ind'-fc.isilil,- title, am 
'i Kintf or ^'IKVII shall in no iy be disturbed or impairei 

Ins i,r her royal funeti 

person w!i may assert a superior claim to the Crown, 
s your il.ij. -ty will penvive that e\eii if. to suppose an 
mpMBlble Case, ytir royal father were to return 
.11 no w.i> disiiirli your .Majesty oil your tin 


to thr 

-an wan mtn 

and :.' 

and without a < 

( I I I : : ... 1 1 . j i - i i . i j i 

tion to your Maje' 

->.-!,.- ..-,, K 

who broke the seal i fhea ahe looked i. 

a flushed face, and her eyes met the anxious eyes of her 


* ^ m " % '. " the letter w indeed from King 
tie dedans his unalterable affection for me, and asks 
me to marry him when I shall have reached the age of 

-^nt.-n Hi M.mima 1 .,::, ~ , !,,, ,y A ,..j - . I :i_- : t 
r iiH.tli.-r'* !! .in. I Hunt; I .-r Igm BO 04 hat M k. 

I trunt, said her mother, "he may be worthy of you. 
lou may be sure at any rate that you will find no obstacle to 
your happiness in me. 

" Your Highness," interposed the Lord Chancellor, who 
l.y no inr-.i!,, t.,k.", bgood | It t!,.. ...: r . ,, : .,-. rr ,., . . 
, " ' Highness forgets the fundamental law 

whirh makB the content of both parents essential." 

/ had not forgotten h,* said STLVU with dignity. 
My mind is irrevocabry made up. Aa Queen I could r,..t 
break a law. As subject I can, and I mean to, be the conse- 
Mpces what they may. On onr MvcBteeiith birthday I ahall 
dicate, and shall then marry Orao." 

.is terrible dedsration a shudder of horror seemed 
to go through those who heard it. The emissary started 
bark, and phmd his hand before bis eyes as though to shut 
out some dreadful spsrtade; the Grand Duchess fell 
chair and gave way to tears; and the Naval Blue-Stick, 
loving darted ' 
. |sj|( | , 

Tllr incellor fli'l.-l .ui'l |...k. I i i;n,| - .I.-u.nly 

1 Mini- Stick could |M> n-str.iiui-il n. 

I longer. Be broke from tin- background ami from SMMM - 

I nis|ii-.| '!!. 

t thrrv. my Lard I 'hanccllor." In- *h. .ut.-,|. " 
II for you. my LISH, my pretty little la.**, you >| M 11 liav. 
ii want ay, ami ym sh.ill I.. ^u,.,.u Mill. d... I l,|,.,s 

"Anil pr. -.lid STLVIA icilv. "who arc von that von 

" Wh,, am I .' ' K.,.1 the Naval Kluc Sii.-k ; " why, bless your 
weet fa.'. I 'in yuiir father. <>h, no wonder you -in.' Imt 
I wasn't drowned, and I've come hack to make you happy. 

I're got all my proof* ; Imt this lady" he turned to the 
Duchess " will recognise her niono^r.mi tatt.MMl upon 
my arm"; and he bared his right arm In-fore his wife, who 
gave one wild look at it and then, in (lU-di, 
violence of her emotions and the traditions ,,f h. 
streamed slightly and fainted away. 

o * o 

In this fashion IliuiMuuxn was restoreil to his familv, ami 
the Queen found her father. I need hardly add that the 
consent of both parents was given to Sri.m's en-;i-, in, nt. 
and that on her seventeenth hirthday she was- married to 
King Oiwi of Eisenblut. lloth they ami their snl.j.. 

appy, and their son, a promising lad. will one dav 
reign over the two Kingdoms united in < 

TtIK I \l>. 

Strenuous Teddy's New Billet. 

A Rfuter cable from Washington states that "the H< 
KepresentaUves Committee on Inter Stat? and Foreign Com- 
meroe has authorised a favourable report ,-n the Mann Mill, 
abolishing the Panama Commission, and phicing the work 

constructing the Canal entirely in the hands of the Presi- 
dent of the United State*." 

Why not call it frankly the One Mann Bill ? 

him to preserve that self-restraint which his office i. 
I!!"""!'! * * monarch rendered nerasMry. Tl 

- SATS TO rr. Mrs. KKSI.AI, at the New 
Vagabonds dinner, is reported to liave concluded her speech 
itn these memorable words, "lam determined to t rv the 

^ Of /(. ara/ ": , Ahp " l! S ^\'.' " ''"' jt-BowhynotMADOl 

The lady 

. Lord 

100 wms imored. but be soon regained his compo- 
sure and cleared his throat and sp< 

v," Iw. ., ..jnt oul to vatu Jiajprty 

that another fundamental law forbidVthe conrse^u propose 


- 1 am tired of your fundamental laws," observed*, 
not without petulance "thoroughly tired." 

r Majesty," continued the Lard Chancellor. " has my 
faD sympathy. The law. however, for which I am in no way 

5. ----- .. UMUU i>. inn 11, so way n 

iv . A propof, the Queen in Hnmlet obseri 
doth protest too much, methinks." \\hcreupo,, 
replies. " O, but she '11 keep her word." (Jni HtTS 


,' . ' 


could not 1 M . av.,,,1,,1. 
the work of ,|,MK.S 
lr "l'- '""' within a few 

. /Leonid , ..... 10 re keep 
Fwr out of his Memorial iha 

omii VEUUKJTOZ. Poor 

""" ""' 

FEBRUARY 8, li)( ).',.] 










A WEKKI.Y paper has the following : 

"January , at , to Mr. and Mrs. 

, another dear little girl." 

No doubt this marks the beginning of 
a new departure in journalism. The 
birth-column has long been regarded as 
monotonous and prosaic. The stereo- 
typed form is now likely to disappear, 
and in its place we may expect to see 
the spontaneous and untrammelled ex- 
pression of parental joys. This is the 
style we anticipate : 

February 8, at Cradley, to Mr. and Mrs. 
SMITH, a bouncing boy this time (the 
very image of his pa). 

February 10, at Kidderminster, to Mr. 
and Mrs. QUIVERFUL, twins again ! 

February 12. Mr. and Mrs. GIRI.INGTON 
have the inexpressible delight of 
announcing to their numerous 
friends that they have now fourteen 
daughters, instead of thirteen, as 
formerly. Mr. and Mrs. G. are, 
however, rather sorry it wasn't a 

The Bogie Principle applied to 


THE following advertisement for an 
artiste in the Illusionist line of business 
appears in the Stage : 

"IXT ANTED. Young Girl ... One used 
VV to Ghost Bus. 

More Commercial Candour. 

" 's Annual Sale is now proceed 

ing. Remnants in all departments thii 
day. New Grill Room has been added.' 
Daily Dlsfxitch. 


bicvcle and insur 

your life. Catalogue of a Cycle Com 

WE are glad to learn tliat tha 
famous Head Master, Dr. TURING o 
Uppingham, has become an eponymou 
hero. The Yorkshire Post, in an 
obituary notice of the Rev. THEOPHILI 
ROWE, speaks of him as having been a 
one time Assistant Master at " Upping 

: D 


8, 1905. 


(exam,*', in tkt pnietiral method* of rr firing the, .,(/., 
ASMS?* * Jirliet (from Ike Km. 


THE Ruwtian failure in tin- lighting on 
th llnnbu is a painful set-back after the 
victories at St. Petersburg. 

A Court <if Inquiry IIU.H found that 
the Winter Palace oocurrencv, whcreliy 
a loaded gun was fired without hitting 
the CZAR, was an accident. 

N'ovr tliat Port Arthur has fallen. 
Admiral Au:\>:iKfK lias recemil the title 

of Viceroy of M ,,f j,;,. 

farmer title of Viceroy of the Far East. 
Bat even the new designation in some- 
what cumbersome, and we fancy he will 
oon come to be called simply i ho V 

The practice among Rtuaian officers 
of firing at cattle from the railway car- 
riage windows on their way to the front 
has been dpcribed as inhuman.-. This 
__ hypercritical. They might h;.\. 
been shooting their fellow-citizens at 

Still, that wan their only way of learning 
how near their \\. 9 to their 

i^'n's heart. 

lend TIIKH.KK." acn.rding to the 
lij <'lm>niclf. - intends to arrai. 
n Press fciin.itj." Should it not I" 

"We want to go l.nck to Cologne." 
the Macedonian gipsies have in 
an inquirer. We had heard twfore 
that our visitors stand l>adly in need 
of the waters of that city. 

The CZAB, in receiving a deputation 
of workmen, told them that their welfare 
waa my near to his heart, but to come 
to him like a rebel mob waa a crime. 

During the Hungarian elivti 
nuinU-r of IMT^UIS had their eui 
off. Aft one of Siuk-l-KvKK's charai-ter- 
reniarked, in a less iinrlirliint 
" Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend 
me your ears." 

The new marine drive at Scarborough, 
wliich was to have leen inaugurated h\ 
the Prince ..f WM infonnally 

opened by the sea the other day. 

''If we had not had great Colonial 
retponiiibilitieB," d-lar.-d Mr. CIHMIII i- 

,t Gainsborough, "we ahoul 
l>e the people we are." But are v 


Tlie persons who attend fooil.all 
matches are sometii. > -hi -d with 

i't in a game them 

lint at I MiMin the other day a misdirected 
Kail lirole a spectator's leg. 

Many painful charges have I .-.-n 
hr.iught against aliens, and now the 
Chairman of an important Krewery has 
oaBed upon the Government to prohiliit 

their entrance into Kngland on the 
ground that they will not drink licer. 

1 lisle laily acen-cd her husliand 
-t week of striking her in the lace with 
i-'ixti<in llrr,il,l. It did not tran- 
spire whether she retorted with a I'm,,-), 
in tin- 

Dr. has advised the inhabi- 
tants of Wigan never to l>uy a certain 
.per, and, in the event of their 
(Hiding it in a railway carriage .when 
the co.- 1 w,.nld lie nothing', never 1" 

believe it. We disapproved his .-.induct 

in mentioning the | inal namr 

in connection with MI pronounced an 

innuendo; Imt at the same lime w.- are 

admit that we oiirseKcs lia\e 

iften noticed new- 1 ap.-r- lying on the 

seats of niilway earn 




FKBUUAKV 8, 1905.] 





Monday, />/./<//</ 0. -Much stir of 
late ;il)diit discovery of unfinished novel 
liad corresponding luck in another 
direction. Turning over long-preserved 
contents of waste-paper baskets bought 
at tlie (lad's Hill sale, lie came upon 
what was evidently the first draft of 
Chapter XIV. of Nicholas \irl;l>'l>i/. Has 
generously placed it at my disposal. 

It begins in sequence to the prelude 
to the interview Mr. < !r,ynl>iiri/, M.I'. 
concedes to his dissatisfied constituents. 

"Now, (lentlenien," said Mr. Gregs- 
Imri/ (laying down the proofs of a new 
pamphlet oil which Mr. /';/.v////c'.s- quick 
eye caught the title, " What Matters 
Anything?"), "you arc dissatisfied with 
niv conduct; at least so I'm told by 
those who raid the newspapers." 

At this point divagation is made. 
The great novelist, with almost weird 
prophetic gift piercing the future hid 
by a new century, recognises the politi- 
cal situation of to-day. Mr. Greijalnn'i/ 
forecasts 1'itixcE ARTHUR, Mr. Pugntijlf 
adumbrates C.-B. Only, instead of being 
spokesman of a disappointed consti- 
tuency, the latter, heading a deputation, 
looks in as exponent of the views of an 
exasperated electorate calling for im- 
mediate dissolution of Parliament. 

In the conversation that follows, copied 
textually from the recovered MS., mem- 
bers of the Boz Club and less erudite 
students of DiCKENB will perceive how 
curiously little this first draft varies 
from that found in the final version of 
the chapter. 

" Yes, we are," said a plump old 
gentleman, bursting out of the throng. 

" Do my eyes deceive me? " said Mr. 
Gregsbury, "or is that my old friend 
Pugstyle, who for long nights through 
many Sessions has sat opposite me in 
the House of Commons, enjoying the 
amity that reigns on the Front Bench ? " 

"I am sorry to be here, Sir, but your 
conduct, Mr. Gregsbury, more especially 
in respect of your dubious relations with 
JOE, has rendered this deputation neces- 

" My conduct, Pugttyle," said Mr. 
Gregsburi/, looking round upon the 
deputation with an affable smile, "my 
conduct has been, and ever will be, 
regulated by a sincere regard for the 
real interests of this great and happy 
country. I think the country under- 
stands that. I think that time is on 
our side, and that the movement of 
events, %n so far as it is given us to 
i st. it, will more and more show 
where the country is to place its faith 

Copyright, 1905, by the Member for ?ark, 
in the United States of America. 

"31r. Gregnibury (Mr. Arthur Ralfonr) lenmnl back in his chair till he see tied to sit upon 
his sp!ne 'My time is yours and my country's.' " 

if it is to have security at home and 
peace abroad." 

We shall see," said Pugstylt, "and 
all the sooner if you will at once dissolve 
Parliament. Meanwhile we can't make 
out how you stand on this Fiscal ques- 

Mr. Gregsbury stretched forth his legs 
and leaned back in his chair till he 
seemed to sit upon his spine. 

"I think, Pugstyle" he said, "I know 
what constitutes a clear statement as 
well as any man living. And I say with ! 
absolute confidence that you may study 
my speeches and my writings since this 
Fiscal controversy first arose you may \ 
examine everything I have said and 
written, and you will find one consistent 
train of thought running throughout, 
perfectly clear, perfectly intelligible, and 
perfectly self-contained." 

Here a voice from the back of the 
crowd asked, " What is it ? " 

Mr. Gregsbury affected not to hear. 

" We wish, Sir," remarked Mr. 
, "to ask you a few questions." 

" If you please, Gentlemen. Perhaps 
would be more convenient if you 
interrogated Mr. CHAMBERLAIN. But let 
that pass. My time is yours and my 

Mr. Pugstyle put on his spectacles 

and referred to a written paper which he 
drew from his pocket. 

" First of all," he ticked off, " will you 
resign, and when ? " 

" So far as I am concerned," said Mr. 
Gregsbury, with a smile that illumined 
the deputation, " so long as the party in 
the House of Commons enables the 
present Government to carry on their 
functions with dignity and utility to the 
public, so long shall we consider our- 
selves bound to them to give them what 
help and guidance we can. Go on to 
the next question, my dear Pugstyle." 

(Mr. Pugstyle wen t on with his catechism 
very much on the lines of the published 
version of the novel.) 

Mr. Gregsbury always smiling non- 
assent, a hoarse murmur arose from the 
deputation. One growled, " Resign ! " 
which growl, being taken up, swelleu into 
a very earnest and general remonstrance. 

"I am requested, Sir, to express a 
hope," said Mr. Pugstyle, " that on 
receiving a requisition to that effect, 
framed in the fashion of an Amendment 
to the Address, you will not object to 
resign office in favour of some candidate 
whom the people, as indicated by recent 
by-elections, show they can better trust." 

" I am perfectly ready," said Mr. 
Gregsbury, " to state, not as a matter of 




fact exactly on a *h.- t but <>n li*lf u 

llIM* of lli\ M.-w- ill) lln- -:tu.. - 

1 waved in the face 


tfl read, nodding 
ag caller. 
oved inland, tin- 

...':, ' 

great, free and I 

powers ai . r. U 

believe, illimitable. I value that noble 

' : ..... 

proudest boast, and which I hope to 
. 's hildren mi- 
tarnished and mi-iilln-.: 
no personal motives, moved only by ImJi 
itmjftitutinnal conidrrUoiu<, wine! 

utattMiii :.-.dl> 

wyond toe comprehension of the small 


Hr. r.f*ylr Sir llnry C.-B.) " Kirt of all, 
wiU you rmgn, ind when? " 

fry of the Opposition, I would rather 
keep my place, and intend doing no." 

"Then you will not resign under any 
circumstances?" anked Mr. I'urjdylr. 

Mr. Oregtbury smiled again and shook 
his head. 

"Then good morning, Sir," said 
Pug*ule angrily. 

.-aren blew vou!" said Mr. <:,;.,* 
bury. And the deputation, with in.ui> 
growls and scowls, filed off as quickly UM 
the narrowness of the staircase would 
allow of their getting down. 

Here the MS. ends. Perhaps the most 
remarkable thing in connection v, 
is that the exceedingly few variations 
from the accepted tezt aeem to have 
been taken verbally . speeches 

delivered by PRIXCC Atrrui K during a 
recent visit to his mnrtitoopta at Man* 

charter . ' .u<-\ in 

phrase so entirch 111 Mr llreg*bury't 

\i-in the) can Undetected mily I' 
p.iin..; the IK U di . \l with tin- 

printed l...k A- |..r t!.. MCI- "f 

tin- -.1 . i actuality, 

if <>f winch ".. \i-rh. ml the \\olluin," 

.IS ' '.|/rf<JIII ' 'llttll Used t. 

and an insensate gm*l for 
the spoils of office? . . . aolid record of 

sound legislation which tin- <i..\,Tiiment 
can claim . . . and bring ncan-r tin- 
ri-iiiii\al i if an <ili.-.l. I.- >\-.l.-ni which 
eiirichfs tin- furi'igiicr .it xnur I-\|H'II- 
. . . and no cinitnliiitc t. tin- future 
[n>s| % -rity nf mir grit Knijiir. 

III. TIIK K\K 'if IIIK I'. .1.1.. 

TIIK \(\>\. '' - - - 

, ^. ...... ,, , lhal reptile cn-w m their tnii- coloan. 

<-/, /./. ,, .U,,ni/..i \atoJtnam* aaitoa hundred th,,,, 

1 \i i. SO ..K 11IK I'.iMK-r. >anl Chines,- arc U-ini; done lo d.-ath. 

/'n.m Mr. /,'.././,'. ;-,-r/i ... 1 am " lliej laUmr in clanking chains 

no eiuliittci.-l ] There an- until they drop ... it is simply a well 

mailers, indivd. in which every one known fact that the Licensing Hill un- 

worthy ..f the name of Uriton inn-t rise mir.lii<iMl in relnrn for a cheque of 

far the level of mere party |K.liih - Sll'l.'i.iKIK !(.-. (/. pn-M-nted 

to th 

cample, 1 admit the foreign |.hc> Government by the liquor -trad*, 

of the present I iovernment has been < Minim -.'.' If you vote for my opponent, 


I with i-on-iderable wisdom, and 
has r. approval from all 

sides. . . . Tin i in ^ t .domestic n 

r. the Ministerial r,i-ord is le-s 
satisfactory. . . . The instinct for change. 
t it-nil- a healthy one. and 1 

venture to suggest that a holiday from 
the cans of otlice would lie gixxl for the 
presei.' ' m. -nl and licueticial to 

the country at large. >ll<'ur. ln;ir.) 

'a Mr. lUfirr'g snrffli . . . While 

admitting as I do with pleasure the 

lerable abilitv that is to In- found 

on the OpiKisition U-nclies. I . L -k \ou 

the following will U- among the re-ults 
All your children will U- kidnapped 
liv the Ititualists. imprisoned in monas- 

alri'ady porchaaed in antrci| 
liy the Archliishops and taught repul- 
si\e di-triiie-. the of tl.. 

.mini; out of the ra' \iinn. 

iin. Tariff Kcfunn will lie intro- 
duced at once, your hread will cost 
"ninepcncc a Imf. your U-er si.\| 
halfpenny a glass, your tea live shillings 
a pound. Beer at sixpence halfpenny 
a glas-. I r.-peit every vote 

for the Tory will 

IM- a vote 
The rent 


tluit ! 

if then- m'^8o7 in 'voi'mg 'a^ainsi "a N " r '" '/; " .'''I'" rent of every 
tried and trusted Ministry, whi.-h has cotl^e and farm will be doubled Any 
led a united p., ,ple tlm.ugl, a period of ''" al ," '" "", under the new Act 
// winch the < iovernment means lo 11 

duce, will be si-nt at once to prison with 
hard lalmnr . . . I- this unutterable 

Mr. /iV./</''x *IK;;-I, . . . time to tyranny to U- brought alnmt bv your 
spenk out. (Hear. lu;u:\ The language votes? Tremtndou* ihautt of " b 
of abiiM* I will lve to my op|><ment. Then rememlM-r these simple, un 
who is so great a master of it. 
Ijiiii/htfr.) I will only remark that of j 
this miserable, craven, inellicient fraud 

to-morrow ! (' Yi. 

of a QoTBrmMBt the country is sick to 
death. And by your votes you will 
-r\e it with yet anothi-r p<Temptory 
notice to quit. (I'littrt.) Iis foreign 
|H)licy, an I have consistently maintained, 
is htneath contempt. //. .n- . . . iv 
duci-l the unfortunate Chines., to some- 
thing like slavery . . . briU'd by the 
brewing interest . . . and what of this 
Tariff reform and it.s results? No one 
can anticipate them exactly II,, n; liear), 
but undoubtedlv there would be a invat 

, . 

varnished fju'ts 
" U V irlll." ,in/l i 

From Mr. Ulrirr's Kfa-i-rli . . . moiistn ills 
fabrications. Every Chinese labourer in 
Snith Africa is given two cows, a -i\ 
roomed house, and three months' holiday 




do not wish to 

, , . ii-'n, Mf*/.j 

i. UiecoHt of food, and the results . l , Hllishl , L , r / ..... . 
would be disastrous to the agr.cultural , wil , ,. ll;llved 
clauses (Cheen). Vote, then, for the 
party of retrenchment, for th..-,. great 
|irinciples of economy blended with pro 

exaggerate the results of Fiscal Kcform. 
This iiiiich. however, in rciiaiit. Your 
wages will In- more than trebled t'ln;-rn~ 
. . . but let me l>e careful; even then 
men over 80 may be paid no more than 
forty shillings a week. Unlike 
jx-ople, you see / exaggerate nothing' 
//. .ir. l(,;tr.) 

Rates will IM' ali 

Your household bill- 
rvi/.-i , " \\'lint 
1-i'iit.t.'") Kveryone will ! able to 

bay his own houae,o rents wfl] >u,t ha\eto 

lie paid. Four tunes your present v 
greatnew of the country. nit( ., ,, rt . Ml ; ^ { ^ { ^ 

from Mr. lileiTf * tprfrli . . . plainer To gain them, vote tomorrow for m. ' 
speaking seems necessary. What , '\\> refuse them vote for the 

to be said of a party devoid of mtelli contemptible lUlical who. for the sake 
gence, htcking in IIXIIIIMUI honesty, and of catching \..ur vol. .,-n dared 

possessing only a mparfloity of l.^d.-rs to tamper with the ^.redness of truth ! 

FKWJI uiv S. Jill);,. 




j , , , ,dd l,..t ' ..children',. 

. m 

MSSSC?:. ' 

tit* jju in tils* MIDO itf^Lt tt*t tli' 

U^QintnU, or tlu> SruMTHEiMlJts And xxh.-n v.'u're alxxax- 

V/': : - : -- ; v. ;:''''-''' .'.:'-.'- 

ids' hospitalities without making 

, HH 

lad both exp-ed their perf.vt wdhnKm- 

always supposing, of cours,-. that their dir l-.r.-n..- met with 

Ti,, littl,. GtueswcwrEiiw are n-t what I call 
behaved ,-hil.ln-,, ;,. lable,and I a,,, ,....- 1 h-y - 
.... ..rtan.l another, even if I did not 

,le ,, ..... ,,ol, h..t toakend crumpeto to] 

1 i" - - ... , 

shillings apiece instead of having a party whu-h "I 
would come incalculably cheaper. 

said things hadn't come to such a pass that be 

eoikLVt atord to ve a cWldren's party, and dothe thinf 

.... n e j .., I i t this was food poBcy fra 11 

buriS. print of view. 1 represented that it was u,,,,ly 

nnt ol the question for me to do the th.n. is it should I 

n nur housekeeping allowance, and he gaxc me an 
cheoue which he said ought t- cov.-r nut ,,,,ly a In 

L&wn tea and SUpJH-r l.ul a really rdin.-d and e M - 
entertainment firm, BaBWO's or WmiMr'i into the bargain. 

I might have momwd to nuke ,t do, I daresay, if onto 
hadn't had such frightfully Uid luck at Bridge about that 
lime that I was positively compelled to economise wherever 

J 8o, when my maid MEUUHB happened to mention a young 
man of her acquaintance who was anxious to obtain engage- 
ents at parties as a conjurer, and who (according to her 
was quite Mtraordinarily I told her to see if she 
could arrange with him to come to me ond gn.- an hour and 
m-halfs performance for a guinea, this sum to include ms 
cab-farei I was careful to add this, because most enter- 
tainers make an extra charge for cab-fares, and they all seem 
to live a long way outside the radius. MKLASIE was to point 
out that, as at my house he would have an opportunity of | 
exhibiting before highly influential and wealthy people like 
the MrfEMMo. the SPwecuEiJiEBS, the (II-LPEXSCH WEISS and 
others, he might find it to his advantage to make a consider- 
able reduction in his usual terms. 

Later MO.ASIE reported that she had so strongly impressed 
this npon him that he had declared his willingness to 
perform for roe gratis, just for the sake of the introduction, 
and Mo-AXiE add.-d tliat he had offered to conclude by 
distributing a few small gifts, provided I saw no objection. 
I said if he liked to go to the expense he was of course at 
perfect liU-rty to do .. > long as he remembered that such 
presents should I*- of a .vrtain value if they were to give 
pleasure l> children in such a set as our-. 

MXLASIK assured me he quite uderstood, and that it 
would be all right, HO 1 l.-ft it entirely t<. her rather a^im-i 
my own instinct*, for she was a girl I never emdd take to, 
somehow it was always mo* unpleasant to meet h.-r eyes in 
the looking-glass while she was brushing my hair of an 
evening. Still she was clever and useful in many ways, and 
I quite thought I could depend on her in a matter of this 

We had next to no refusals, and M AKHAUCKE not only came 
home early from the City himself that evening, but actually 

;.....-. ' '' - 

MO* and Mr. GoiMwanra* to look in wlnl- th-ir respective 

;' .T. ' i. MB* : D * " I^Afc 

It was a thrilling thought, as one of our grown-up guests 
remarked to me at the time, that every one of those tiny tote 
was a potential little fifty-thousand at the very bast, 

.- t-hildn-n mad.- n,, ,,,m,.laint-* Bleep) that tl..- 
x,,un SI-I..M-III.HIIU- .l.vlan-1 tl,- .-nu-k.-rs w,n- swindleBBBd 
not worth pull ntained no jewellery; but when, 

.. KUMVN..MM.KV aiiiu.uiu'ing )-n.udly tl,:it th.-n- was KOIII 
In- a conjurer '-'.'" ..... f "'- Hule McS^in 

d.vlar.,1 I,,- was H,-k ..I conjurers, and at ( '/.. i-rty th.-y 
were ..iiu' to have a Magic K.-til- and a lfc.ll.-t ban 
,,,, , t,. haxe misgivings aboal the 

,.nt..rtainiii.-nl 1 had ].ro\ided. . 

llv knew nothing aln-ut the man no( .^.-n I, is 
.,, i i,.,,! , m lv MHVNH-- x%or.l forhiB being able to 

o.niur,- at all. and 1 ,lmdd,-n-d when I reflected that lM 
i^ht artually IH- 'f .-...nin- withoul a dre-s Milt < 

It i- nut ;ur|.ri>in that wl..-n at length every child 
ailmitt.-.! ha%in r.-a.-h.-<l thr stage -f repletion, and 
llutler that the mnjnn-r had arnxvd and 
auailinn 'i> in tl"' -lr.iin r ..... ,. 1 l.-l ll"; wav apStaiTS w.lh 
a sinking h.-.irl. an-l a tm.-nt wish that 1 had i.-.l goneoutof 
mv wav to d.. a kindness to this obscure protetfeof MB \^t.>. 
'ManV a time did 1 H-IM-.U that i>h U-f-n- that auful 
veiling was o\<-r ! ' ' ' 


[Hotels for dogs have been started in Am-rua. Thee hotels are 
replete with every luxury and refinem. nt ; umptwooaly fitted suites, 
baths, resUnranU, gymnasiums and shampooing room- an 
Chambermaids and waiters of a superior order are placed at the dispos 
of dogs unaccompanied by their own valeta.] 

LADIES and gentlemen belonging to R.-.-id.-nt.- at this hotel 
are requested strictly to observe the following rn 

1 Visitors desirous of being recognised may view H, 
from behind the glass panels of the Caniary, whence Uiey may 
endeavour to attract attention by quiet gesticulation. lap] 
whMliiiK'. chirping noises made with the lips, or other sounds 
likelv to disturb Residents are strictly prohibited. 

-ticks, umbrellas and whips must be handed 

3. Damp, muddy, or untidy persons will on no account 
admitted. . . 

4. Dresses of serge or other rough material are strictly 
prohibited in the Lap^log Lounge. 

5. Boots must be removed prior to entering We 
marked " Sil.-n..-." List slippers maybe obtained from the 

ianU on payment of L'</. 

r.. Evening-drees must be worn by all vi-iti-rs invited 
dine with the Residents to whom they lielontf. 

' '..n-idcralile offence having licvn given to Residents 
the growing practice of visitors .if sp.akinu t.. tli.-m Without 
intriHluction, the Maiia<;i-nieiit are n..w compelled suinnianly 
toexi-l all |M. ri -.ns drl^-tc-d in tlii- l.rcach of gil manners. 

8. Vi .MI no account to pass comments whilst 
watching middle-aged or obese Resident- rxcivis'mg in the 

9. Approved children, if not suffering from coughs, ootdit 

chapi-cd hands, or similar complaints, may join the re 

tion <.f jiixenile li.-id.-m-i in the 1'upj.i.--' Pandemonium 

U-tw^-n 10 and 11.30 A.M. 

10. \ .ay on no account u-t- tin- l.rushes or towels 
provi i.'.-id'eiits in the toil.'tt.- departm.-nls. 

11. liurin Siesta h-ur- to f..O and S '>P.M. 
the hotel is closed. 

FEBRUARY 8, 1905.] 




(By Our iS'pecia? Reporter) 
Tin: new and long-expected Sinfonia 
Patc&ogica, in I) minor, of Herr FLEDER 
MAUS, tlie eminent surgical composer, 
was brought to a hearing for the first 
time at the Operating Theatre of the 
Laugham Hospital on Saturday last in 
the presence of an unusually large num- 
ber of students, and evoked an amount 
of enthusiasm which has rarely, if ever, 
attended a similar performance. 

The symphony, which is in the usual 
four movements, may best be described 
as a complete translation into 
terms of musical sound 
of the progress of a serious 
illness. A few bars of intro- 
duction, of a sinister and 
morbific tendency, indicate the 
presence of disquieting but 
ill-defined symptoms, a short 
but dignified phrase for the 
trombone expressing the 
arrival of the family doctor. 
We are then launched, in 
the first subject, a long and 
Feverishly agitated theme 
assigned to the oboe, upon a 
poignant exposition of his 
sufferings by the patient, the 
peculiar harmonisation 
suggesting acute bronchial 
trouble. The development of 
this theme suggests suc- 
cessively dialogue, diagnosis, 
and decision, a strepitous 
figure in the violins depicting 
the anxiety of the patient's 
wife on being informed that 
his temperature is 104, and 
that an immediate operation 
for extirpation of the gal- 
liambic paradigm is impera- 
tively necessary. The second 
subject, heralded by a few 
short sharp chords on the 
brass, typifies the entry of the 

is perhaps permissible to identify with 
the composer himself; is suffering from 
a severe relapse. Great activity prevails 
in the highest register of the strings, 
while the percussion department is 
reinforced by four side-drums, and 
the trombones in three - part harmony 
maintain an obstinate thrombosis which 
is well-nigh excruciating. An intcn-t 
ing footnote in the full score, however, 
suggests that if the effect of this section 
is too overpowering for sensitive tym- 
pana the use of cotton-wool is not to be 
deprecated. A brief trio affords dynamic 
relief, but its^fantastic character makes 


A Masse Stroke. From Old Cottm MS. 

great surgical specialist, and is of an 
abrupt and incisive character. Tin- 
presence of an anaesthetist and nurses 
is clearly adumbrated in the working 
out and, by the time the reprise is 
reached, the audience is reassured by I 
the conviction that everything that 
money can procure has been done to j 
relieve the unfortunate patient. His j 
complaint follows a normal course 
throughout the rest of the movement, a 
striking coda in which two new themes ' 
make their appearance indicating the 
composer's personal view's as to the 
relative merits of allopathy and homceo- ; 

The second movement, in the same 
key, takes the form of a Scherzo delirante, 
the opening section by its inflammatory ] 
and tempestuous diathesis indicating 
only too plainly that the hero (whom it 

it only too clear that the hero is in the 
thraldom of the most acute amentia, and 
the recurrence of the opening section in 
an aggravated form prepares us to hear 
the worst at any moment. 

Happily these gloomy forebodings are 
not fulfilled. The third movement, 
Adagio Comatoso in B flat major, by 
its opening bars at once indicates that 
the fever has abated and the patient has 
fallen into a profound and trypanosoma- 
tous slumber. The instruments are 
muted throughout, from the violin to 
the triangle, and a deliciously narcotic 
atmosphere is diffused by a variety of 
ingenious devices, including the burning 
of Papier d'Asie and other oriental 
condiments. Elaborate analysis of this 
simple but extraordinarily poetic move- 
ment is quite unnecessary : it is enough 
to say that it pursues the even tenor of 

its way with unimpaired serenity, dying 
away in an exquisitely long - drawn 
cadence in which due prominence is 
accorded to the solo pipera/.ine. 

The Finale, D major, with the cheer- 
fid heading " Convalescence," strikes a 
reassuring note in the confident opening 
phrase which leads into the first subject 
pruper, which is positively redolent of 
beef-tea. Indeed throughout the entire 
movement a steady dietetic progress is 
maintained. Fish is clearly suggested 
in some vigorous scale passages, and a 
fluttering figure in the clarinets shows 
that the embargo on chicken or other 
white meat has at least been 
temporarily withdrawn. A 
brief interlude for two 
conlrn-earne Iwjlcsi, superbly 
rendered by Dr. HAIG and the 
Hon. NEVILLE LYTTON, intro- 
duces a transient element of 
discord, but their eloquent 
protest is speedily over-ruled 
by the triumphant entry of 
the second subject, a full- 
blooded fibrous melody which 
emerges again and again with 
ever-increasing strenuousness 
until its final apotheosis in 
the exultant Coda di Bovc 
is thundered out with 
the full . strength of the 

It only remains to be added 
that the composer, who con- 
ducted his own work with 
unfaltering nerve, was sum- 
moned again and again to the 
platform at the conclusion of 
the performance, the applause 
being loudly renewed on Pro- 
fessor RAY LANKESTER rising 
in the Ixxly of the hall and 
intoning in a compulsory 
Greek mode the welcome 
announcement that Herr 
FLEDER MAUS had consented 
to join the staff of the Natural 

History Museum as honorary Demon- 
strator in Polyphonic Anatomy. 

WE hope that the character of those 
who advertise in the Church Times is 
not declining, but the following appeals 
are perhaps not quite all that is satis- 
factory : 

T ADY wishes to find place for man (36), single, 
*-! educated, as COMPANION-ATTENDANT . , . 
capable of anything. 

"OACHELOR Clergyman will be glad of souie- 
1 one to share his comfortable and bright 
Home . . . Suit Lady. 

(It is a brother of the cloth who 
kindly forwards us the second of these 

Follow soot. 


cU - 




(lot EoJrfA flrwwf 

- . 

in the ribs, or 

nnnch or scorn. 


ieah as Mrs. (or Miit. K- 

... ' : 

. . : ... ' ' ii' : 

lion only because sh< think 
ake her oiled and curled ' '/ 

\ - peeling I " ' ' 
n angrv vi- to the first wi: 

. ., ,( I I . .:. M ' - 

miraculouslv recovering fmm the 
enabled to m ' ' happy 

t as far as the narrative goes. All 
But there are some strong situa 
me o~; drama, and the characters 
MIU wife and her fleshly rival are cum. 
strange book perhaps the most extraordinary thing i 
^or anyWwvable connection with the story it 
have been labeOed She that Taketh " 

for the use of I.iU-ral sj>onker8 and canvassers. 

meamire. Hut there i- HO reason w: 
-knoia be confined to one political camp. 
i/r ' WaT Liberals 1 rs, T.iriff Reformers, lietuha- 

H A "'.:''....,-.... II one u desire ton*?* 

record of the year Such. 
lume. [1 

- -ifti-r IT. .Ions-" th tin ^ ! 

Sewuv -I" not g,-t Kut bets and hgurea 

^ w|| . 1I . . ker after truth wants, and here they 

Only woman 

who wrecks lite l 

and. when be is 
receives him wil 

really too i*HUh 
away frvaii 
wantonness, hav 

tnun. Wife nt 

1,1'ly ,h". painful 

,,.1 the ., '.1 written that 

t,,' la-t the r.-ader is kept in -u-penae as to tl 
I'"ii i- "f opinion that 

i man of the world is likely 

" f 

U>tters which 

;n-h,,ul tlu- i 
th,.,r possessor 10 powerful a hold 

r l.n.tli.-r. in whom, nith.-r than thr elder, Uie ii.t.r>st 
7,, r ,.,| ./,v." <|u,.t,- the author. 

,; Tho truth of this most charitable mott, 

the BUM l.nt Ii,- i- ].u/./.l.-.l a- to itfl vn-rnt 

,,. iv,^ it ,n,-an tlut i.. perfectly understand the 



Moan (Bunrwooo) remains a marvel among monthly 
Magazines. Oldest of all, it has the energy and viv: 

'' ' ' ''.,.-, 

'a better number tlian that proudly numbered M AMI 
issued this month. It ot-cn-. with a slashing bit of literary 
criticism that will almost n ake riiRismitna Norm glow in 
his grave with gratifiration. In castigating the work of the 
biographer for what he describes as "a piece of jaded and 
illiterate hack-work." the reviewer is certainly n little bard 

...... _, , , I', ui..;. ., 90 k 

Reviewer's Wood is up he is, as HVII..S "knew, prone to hit 
oat all round. Maya has, since Peninsular days, been f, r 
tonate in obtaining battle-pieces by ey,-witnew. "/'">- 
'" contributions from the Transvaal repubhshed, have 
their place in literature. He finds a worthy successor 
' - 

,,. , 

U, ,. : ,nl,.n all that thr M\ has done? 

whirl, is th.- U.HV Is it il- yoiiii.T brother? 

this !> so. is it not somewhat 
unfair on the juirt of the author 
to laU'l his victimised 
..nythinK Imt a 
.lan.-iiiK <1"HV The Rir 

othrr mere puppet in the 
If then tin- Huron ( -an- 
i,,nl eomprendre," 
can lie "l"iit jx 

Surely, i: 


or not, 


Wliether hf does 8O 
his ojiinioii on the 

an.l artistic merite of 
rk remains as he has 
i it on record. 


t^n er p . 

in " 0.," who to this month's Magazine contributes three mar- 

vellous pictures of fighting by sea and land in the Far East 

From OtAjrr Rinuw* comes a tiny book of 
;.jw Character*, so small as to be incased 
in a cover ingeniously got up to resemble 
an ordinary match-box and described as 
one of TV Sa/rtw SrriM for Children. Tin 
safety seems to the Huron to consist in 
for the real 

to mistnke the iniitalioi 
article. Not wanting t< 


,.^s, people will neglect this specimen of ligh 
uwn^o wherein will be found sparkling verses by Miss 
Jam fon. illnstrsted by Jew HJWJOL'S well-drawn an( 

brightly-coloured character sketches. Tin- little work o 
eceentr at present unique, as the Baron believes 
and one thing is certain, that it is quite impossible to find 
match for it. 

The Literal Ifaaarinr. issued by the Liberal PuL! 
department boosed at 42, Parliament Street, purports to be 




rvis Play hail a most thrilling TaUeau at th.- Km! 
f the Third Act. which seldom failed to rouse the Audi- 
nce to the utmost Pitch of Enthusiasm. >ne was s 

Maiden, condemned, after many minor Annoyances, t. 
thrown to the Lions in the Coliseum which, in th. 1 ay. 
was supposed to be in Rome), and the Hero had decided to 
die with her, as the only logical Consequence of repeated 
Asseverations during the previous Acts that he coul 
without her. And when they had embraced a great r. 
imes and assured one another between whiles that I 
lo not hurt much if you know how to take them, it was 
their Cue to walk slowly hand in hand to a Massive Door 
it the back of the Stage, and, amidst the horrid < 
the rr>t of dw O 
and their Supper. 


behind, to pass awy to their I 
Hut one evening, when tin- fateful I 


an e . , 

was thrown open to receive them, it discover* -.1 the ( ' 

r, wagging its Tail, somewhat guiltily iudee i i ut in 
an friendly manner: ami. a- the Latin Kxercise 
Book says, there were some who laughed. 

Nor,, little less, and what worLU aw ay! 

BY THE WAY. If the present jiror-jie ;- ..f Kent coal 


are happily realised, then the U-t part of this county will 
be its seamy side. 

< UlY 15, I 






_ THK. above form of cold weather ablu- 
tion, so inucli in vogue in Parisian 

irclcs, will appeal to the more highly 
strung ami ileliealely niirtiired among 
ftswho share the Continental prejudiee 
against >,oap and water. \Vegiiarantee 
that if our readers will try the following 
di iv. -i ion- lion-owed from a lady's paper) 
they will not only enjoy a complete 
change of complexion, but experience 
after clt'ccis which the passage of mauv 
day-, will fail to wipe off. Boil four 
quarts of bran in a gallon of water, pour 
the liquid into a hath, massage the llesli 
with hags made of cheesecloth (obtain- 
able at any American cheese merchant's 
containing a mixture of the bran well 
cooked as above and glutinous orris 
n x>i crushed, castile soap and powdered 
borax. The new coat thus formed on 
the surface of the skin must be allowed 
to harden before adding a second coat 
f emollient jelly, composed of gum 
tragacanth, glycerine, alcohol, and oil of 
violet. The proper smearing consistency 

of this mixture is not attained until it is 
the thickness of honey or golden syrup. 

\Ve must advise our readers at this 
point to suppress an overwhelming 
desire for moonlight soap and a scrub- 
bing brush, as by exercising patience 
and self-control the bran bather will 
BOOQ become accustomed to a sensation 
of stickiness. The treatment must be 
continued through the cold weather, as 
it has the additional charm of protect- 
ing the pores from the rigours of our 
spring climate. 

We hasten to add that the bran bath 
must not be confused with the bran tub, 
one of the many points of difference 
being that a dip in the latter creates a 
desire to repeat the experiment, which 
is rarely the case with the former. 

MAXIM (IOHKY'S new drama bears the 
name of " Dad mil; c," which, we under- 
stand, is pronounced, "Dash Nicky." 

S.uuii HKitNHAKDT in a new role. 


[It is stated that a gentleman of (lie name of 
SMITH proposes, by way of differentiation, to 
adopt the signature of " PsMTTH," on the analogy 
I of the mute p in " psalm."] 

HK.UI, ail ye countless' SMITHS and 


Who long have exercised your wits 
in numerous ways to mask or mimic 
Your world-pervading patronymic ! 


Or SMIJTIIS (whereat my tongue-tip 


A Mr. PSMITH has added lately 
His variant, which arrides me greatly. 

It shouts aloud, this silent P, 
A patent of gentility, 
To match, with little extra trouble, 
Those small initial fa writ double. 

Soon in the Lauded Gentry books 
We shall be meeting PXOKJS and PSXIKIKS, 
And last, with rival ardour whetted, 
PTOJIPKIXS and PTUBRS will get Debretted ! 








>th imilffinrtn .0 tfec So 

WHIN I liamni our " ' Kntishflat 

I Thinker in 

It *mm !"' I ili- t' I " - "' ''" 

. .1 t rk. 

\\. ,. 


On wh.~ 



; : ' 



,1 u I would we. then, uiiw. 

Thaw fetter* - - and \v:inn as flannel. 

.ir our hearts fn>n> off our mutual " >! 
ilia in u Word play mi tin- French fur Channel 
Just at llu- nnniifiii when -!> meai,- to l.unl 
And start a Paint* ('htinlanl in the Sir.inil ? 

Or Kuiwia? No, we iimliln't s|.il tin- -|"H 
I If llial ama/ili*: tar. tlli> yallai.- 

Onwmrd from lladagaacnr's fruity port 

IHT l>y all means, if sin- wants to ". - 
are determined. 1 <-.m safely - 
To put no difficulty in lu-r w 

! America? Ah. deurext liid ! 

Think of tin- mother yearning towards her daughter! 
Think of the handx arrow, the Mrriag-paad ! 

Think of the liquid moiv opaque than water ' 
Pledge* of faith which none who .lines may douht 
When Mr. ('Horn: ,<iod l.l.-ss him! tn.ts Vin out. 

Italy loves u* on nrximnt of C \i 

IMgium is Imsy with the Congo t,,un-t . 

Portugal isn't ijuitc -. MP in, 

And Sjiain's " Iiivincilile- " are of the jior.--l ; 

Cirecce lulH minlaid the |>liuk that Itmke the l',-i -i.m-. 

And - modern Viking run- e\eur-ioii-. 

I .1. .iit.i if U-iiin.irk renlly matters 

>r Au-tria. on the l>ollle<l Adriatie. 
r ll.ll.iinl. though her aiu-'-stry wa-> Ihitrli. 

i 'r Turkey, wln-r.- the fleet W most erratH . 
Ur Switzerland, with ctuir.iK'e more than in 
Mut kirx'-ly ham|-re.| liv a hu'k of coast. 

Then i* it Monaoi? She keep* a yarht. 

Km .iid insecurely j.latel . 

r ('himt: 1 No. 1 rather fancy i 

<vnUy her arm* were didoc-atcd . 

i may we cooipoM (thi-. is MM.-" 
The rhairtiMment of Chili or Peru. 

r.'nrtn. there'* Oermany. Hut that '- .d.-.ini. 

I mnl her navy MSI)>|\ mcreaaea. 
Hut Imve we n<>< ' K 1 1: 

MT hi purpoie coinrideH will. I 
, to praUvt the rkuum 
Throtifthoiit hi* worW-nnlir 

. r all. "iir l.r.i\-> who hold the I 
,.iin-d at s-i exorl.itant a 
\VouId st-'iii Li iiur-.- 00 d.-limti- design. 

Their oli|<t-t Ix-iiiAi mainly onuunentod 

Vlld I 

i,., i, ' ^ 

,., to die tune, if |M*iMe. of 
linuliiiK; entilli -d. //. '* tkl in-in for '.'.i/ir.ii/.' ' 

!.-r <iall.iv show. Lfireftttr Square, i^ the ; 

.,.,1. to ! in the lir-t llilil from -lart to I 

(inj.l,. ;,!) I., I .'d "Itli the lil'Ush Tho-e who have ' 

a.lmiivd tin- arli-l'- .\. .11. 'lit lilack and while art HI W- 
h. mil. l. hois.-^ and lid.i- r, .rrn-lly dr.nMi. 
|,i||,.' ,Uva\- lil.i-.ill> t'i'i > HI..III-I-HI, -ill. may i 

inclined I.. --iy to the arli-t " illinium n>- rr. -,! rnli.n Km tin- 

....idi liinis out to ! a ilali hand a~ a i-..|..iii'i-i 
,,,.,,, .u- now c\hil>ilcd -hou Mi I i I'. \: 

lakin In- I'l-K'e "''I' ''" '""' aiiion;; the I'.ivlhr.M < .1 the 
Hru-li \\lio depict purely -p.-rliiiK' sul.j. Tin- picture 

repreaenting the immortal Jo rightly labelled % I.' 

f,, r i r thiiikin>;. in the humour "f the sit nation, in its i 

in the attitude of and in that of the intelli. 

Ill, liter !: 'I"' I" 'l |r ' Melli\e I'U|.|-C.I|M- 

winK the fields U-low where hound- are running, this 
..sition has not it- iMjiial in the entire collection, thcmgh 

die clc\cr No. I-. " \"n-irril iliivi//." and 1-. I If l'"i,,-l,, 
are within in.'asur.dile ili-lance of it. The almost in... 
aide dithVnlty that must ha\c pn -.-nted il-'lf to the artist 

diat the* delineation of Jorrnrk* I n..t ] hi- 

...n, a.- the ty]n- had lon ao I..-.-M created l.y -Ions I.i 
Kill this difficulty has U-eii overcome l.y Mr. AliMoi u. wh.i 
has very cleverly xiveii us only a luck \ic\v of the vv.-ll 
known .li-iiH-k*. M.l'.ll. 

we have said our unstinted liaise i- given to 
the majority of his picture- in colour, not to all. _The 
colouring is unit|iial ; yet in ll.e instance of No. I'., its 
thinness will -itfht, the criticism of 

:ator. who (-uinot fail to lan^h heartily at i he humour of 
the situation. The rider ha- come to a stylish I-awn Mr.-l. 
and in full sij{lil of huntsman, whips, and all the ladi.- and 
gentlemen of the hunt, the unforliinate visitor 
-ud.leiily Lucked off l.y his h,,r-c which, heels in air. is 
turning itH towards him. evidently enjoying liis di 
litur.-. Kesi.l,., No. 1. there are two illustrations from 
one of /'i./,/ ,uol /'; : /. .1- the 4-atali>i;ue halh it. 
Jniiirn I'i'i'j. his huntsman, and one of Binjimin; l.nt 
who remcinlKT I .KM u'- illusirations of //<!<;<//... 11 not 

ini)fh for these. Note No. ll'. showing the sort ol 
that make^ his owner uu|M.pular." This i- -,,! in . 
way. There are in all ninety two sporting picture-. plain 
and coloured," thoroughly Kntflish in spirit. The coll. 
is unique. Kut Ix-fure leaving we return to "No. 1.' .m<l 
insert "A" Itefore the numeral. 

The Horoscope Test. 

M'l.llll.Ni \VuM\N 

-,,i- . ng, I-..I limit 

IIP lai-tlnl, relinhl.-. :ui.l '< 


Tut 1 d that 

the Ciivernment intend to liriiitf in a Kill to prevent 
mature Interment < >ne -\inpathi-es strongly with the 
fei-lings of the t'al.inet in n-v'ard to the p.-ril- of 
nd.-l animation. 

Xni. <>|; TIIK l/t.XltOX niAlMVAIM. KKHIN tin 15, 1905. 



' '_ _ [Kus^i:i is ii]>|i!yin^ l.i Ki-iiiict- for H frcsli 1mm ,,f forty milliiui,. ' 

IM.I.FM \in [5, Ilia.. 






t n fortunate Cyclist (icho Juts lieen boicled over Iji/ motor-ear). " DID YOU SEE THE NUMBER? " 


[With apologies to Vanity Fair, Hearth and 
Home, Ua'ilij M,tU, Weekly Dispatch, and any 
other paper that wants them ] 


A., a gentleman of means, considts his 
lawyer B. (of the firm "13. and S.") 
with regard to some property he wishes 
tn settle on his future son-in-law X. 
B. knows that X. is an adventurer who 
li;i> been blackballed for each of the 
seven Clubs to which he (B.) belongs. 
That evening B. meets at dinner a casual 
iequaintance C. who says to him: "If 
-six men and I wo boys ean dig a trench 
tinny feet long by ten feet wide in two 
days, and 1 employ one more man and 
decid.' to double the depth of the trench, 
how long will they take digging it?" 
B., who holds eight spades to the king, 
leaves it to his partner S., who goes 
hearts. The S.'s have not been in the 
feeighbourhood long, and it is really the 
Z.'s turn to call. Mate in three moves. 
.\iiKiriTft (iiljinlt/cil i-iin-eet. 

" li the S.'s have already moved three 
times they are probably not very desir- 

able people, and Lady Z. would be quite 
within her rights in having nothing to 
do with them." FLOSSIE. 

"If B. has eight spades to the king 
and eeven clubs there was obviously a 
mis-deal. B. will therefore have to deal 
again, and must be more careful this 
time." CAVENDISH. 

" Thirty-seven days." SENIOR OP. 

" If S. really called out of turn, the 
X.'s can claim the usual penalty." 


" B. should do nothing. A black-ball 
does m>t imply anything against one's 
character." BLACKBAIJ.ED FOR N.L.C. 

"A masse shot off the black ball into 
the middle pocket." KoBEBTB. 

"If Lady 'A. does not feel strong 
enough to call she should leave it." 
MADGE (Contributor to scrfral Society 

"K. B. toQ. Kt. 3."- -CASTAH. 

"If C. is really keen on finishing his 
trench as quickly as possible he should 
borrow one of B.'s spades and take a 
hand himself." COMMON SENSE. 

" B., being a lawyer, will probably do 
nothing and charge for it." DISGUSTED. 

"C. must apologise and send in his 
resignation." ONE OF THE OLD SCHOOL. 

"Lady X. must certainly bow to the 
Duchess." SOCIETY GIRL. 

" No trumps." JACQCEI.IXE, SPOTS, and 
1001 others. (PIPPIN got the uprights 
correctly, but his third light was inferior.) 

" Write to the Colonel of his regiment 
and explain." H. A. C. 

" B. should do nothing."- -FUTFLES, 
l'i: SHOOTER, PoM-Po.M, and 137 others. 

" Nothing." TOCGER.H and 13,297 

" Anything." - TODGERS and 32,158 
others. (ToooEBS is informed that he 
cannot send in two answers to the same 

77; c following <(.>;;<; fn'ilcil tn ncore 

"A. should buy a box of Blank's Back- 
ache Pills. Invaluable against Headache, 
Dizziness, Shooting Pains, and Phlebitis." 



xn l.V 

' " nr hmrftng of hln.l- ' > rtmiirins MUIMHU lo an art. 

' ' 


ill fright 
I 1 TKKXBiBtt I 
II, , /.ird. In- ragi-d and In- i 


ii W\MI-.IO\ r 

II. BVMTC i t i lie cornered homeni' 

it. bnady an tioed salmon and wham, 

!. cotton . 

In fine, he had cmuered most things in V 

Soch. then, in tho City was WAflantor 

une, too. as busy aa ever wn- 
He rose en the morning began to grow gt 
And firat he considered the me.d- f<>r tin- <l.i\ . 
The soups and the fntni*. the joint* and tin- lisli, 
Ami the wines to be served with each separate di-h. 

Then the footmen -ame up to his n*>m in a cue. 
And he told them preCISety what <-ach was to do 

ilx.ratc trouble to t.-aeh 

The liouxemaidx and the duties of each ; 

He scolded and drilled them until they could - 1\ 
Wliat work should IM- done at which hour of which day. 

He next hurried off for a round of the shops, 
.med the chickens and prodded the chop-. 

iti-al glance at the fine fatted quail. 
the minion wan fresh and the partridges stale. 

1 'rdcred baciiu and butter and coffee and 

I', terribly busy was W \-iiiM.ros 1". 

Then he went to the olhv and laboured a 
Making hundreds and thousands of dollar- a day. 
And when hi- mine home in the evening to dine. 

M. .!.' i- at I ' 

And an\iou-lv hoped to have all thing- complete 

Hy the lime his fair SIHK deso-nded in eiil. 

:i-h after dish was brought round to her pi 
He furtixely -Imbed the look on her face. 
And if ever she wore a di-viti-lied air 

' Wv-niv.ros I 1 w.i- ii-<luci-l to despair: 
Hut if a rare smile she alloxved him to see, 
Life still was worth living to W.VSHIM.TON 1'. 

,,f ~ii.h \outhfiil !.|<i-iiiieii of humanity UH nught chain 

r under the awful shadow of the Puke of York mi tin- 
ide and llie in > I.-- ten il\ in^ red lirick of the Admiralty 
..u llie oilier The cow-, then, |>ro\ided milk; the old I 
^iu to the .iiil> of .Vfini-i/ and 1'i'ifjtl. and. a^ an ailcln 
attraction, kepi .1 little .-tall, an nnpn-tcnding structure 
which I hey di-.|M-n-<ed lakes and i>\\ in ret in i 

The Kviipation. no doubt, \\.i- huinble ; ?-. are llie 
l.idie^ who pursued it ; but humility exen in the^e gildeil 
; it-i-lf not an offei. tin- >|-ctacle waj* 

mil a pleasant .me. Hard b\ an- great man 
and nioiniiiiei: 1 - I | uer. memorial- of <\ plendour, 

illiceiit alh- of otlicial activily. I havi- -'-en the old 
I. i.lics and the i-oxxs and tin- -tall many a hundred time-. l>ut 
it has nexer struck me that their pres.-nc<- could offi-nd the 
columnar I 'like, or the Admiralty, or tin- back of ( 'arlton 1 1 

r the IN. Id statue of the deliaiit Marine, or ex.-n the 
:n. ite and i 1. 1. ic glory (.f the Hor-.- (iuard- and the 
adjact ni l.nildiiigs. 

The cow.- and their guardians, .-o ]K-aceful and MI little 
distracted, so venerable and placid and so eaaentifdly rustic, 
ecnie i rathi-r to bring a plea.-aut waft of .-iniple human 
feeling to the pomp and parade of their surroundings. Hut 
to the cold eye of authority it seem- they wen- an off. 
and so one line iimrning an ollicial i-.-ued his decn-e and. lo, 
the two old ladies with their stall and /'':/!/.'/ and .\nii<-i/ 
I, axe lut-n .-wept away. 

1 ask you. (ientlemeii. was it kind, was it thoughtful 

Hut .-caivcly had I lini-lii-l lln- -e>-ond paragraph and had 
commenced tin- third of my plaintixe appeal, xvlien infornia 
lion reached me to the effect that his (iraci.m- M\JI>IV him- 
self has insisted on the ancient dames Iw-ing re installed, or, 
if not exactly that, on having new -tails proxided for them 
not far from their ancient milk walk. The grateful old I 
have written a touching letter of thanks to the Kl\<., by 
whose kind action my letter to the Hoard of Work- i- now 
rendered unnecessary. The Milk of Human Kindne-s for 
ever! I'irr ! Ral .' Yours. I'IIHXM -. 

Happy Thought. ' 'nrry ninl /.';/.;/. . r. tin- ]\ny<tl 
M'llkiiui'nlx a short drama in t\\ cue laid on (' 

Ksplaiiade: xvith s;itisfactory finale. 


miiltrr of 7'iru "/</ />ir/ic ,,,,il Ti'- 

c:tVTl>:K\. In the exercise of that jxiwer which, the ways 
of Providence being myaterioua, baa been committal 
you have nraiM* few days since driven fmni their accu 
place in the Mall two old Lulii- and their pair of e.,w-. Tin- 
ladiea, aa 1 my. are old i;,-i, | U ui paaaed h. 
year. Uf the cows, wliuiie nainen, 1 am told, are .V.i 
Pern. I canmit speak with the same certainty ; but it aeema 
lo U- etabliiln- r some yearn ' .nn.-.| 

uupi I w illi.,-,,. -- tin- 

>ty | M ve atood patieuil 
milk for the sustenance and refn 

with rKMuoahli- 
primary d^ 
paila and given 


1 TRI si J shall esc;i]ie rebuke 
If I discourse alxmt a I>nke. 
He buys his hat- at Hi x\K XMi < ' 
Si 1 :ini told by one who kn 
He likes to walk alxnit his 1'ark, 
lie loxe.s the .singing of the lark. 
He has (it is his Ducal v 
Three satisfying meals a day. 
He generally sleep.- in lied. 
A pillow underneath hi- head. 
Such is his of what is meet. 
He wears his Units upon hi- ' 
And sometimes, so 1 understand, 
He wears n glove on either hand. 
In many jmpers you may note 
Such anivdotcs as lhe~e 1 quote ; 
The many useful hints they gixe 
Will shoxv u- c learlx hoxx lo lue 
It is so nice for xoii ami 
To know what is /. ili-mifi- < 
I cannot think Inm people thrixed 
Hi-fon- the raragrajih an 
I should ha\i -aid. how pi-oplc throve 
H-fore the 1'ara^r.qih an 

FKBIH-ARY 15, 1905.] 




\\Vitli acknowledgments to " 

TilKltr. are lew iiuixiins more thoroughly 
discredited tliuii that \vliicli pronounces 
poets In he h(irn and not made. For, 
\vliilc it may apply to hards who write 
for posterity and ultimately secure the 
world's applause, many of our most 
successful rhymesters have attained their 
influential position simply by patience 
and perseverance. The I'oet Laureate 
was originally called to the liar, and did 
not devote 1 himself to literature until he 
was twenty-six. 

One great advantage of the poet's 
calling is that it can he practised in 
spare moments. Sir LEWIS Moititis has 
told us that a great deal of The Kftir of 
Hiuli'x was em 1 1 posed on the Underground 

or in bed, while the entire stock-in- 
tralc pens, ink, paper and a sec,. ml 
hand rhyming dictionary can he 
obtained for the outlay of a few shillings. 
In short, the only serious difficulties 
nlxnit writing poetry are the choice of a 
home and the mode of its treatment. 
Many fine themes have unfortunately 
been already appropriated, but there are 
as gixxl fish in the sea as ever came out 
of it, and even an old theme, when 
furbished up and treated in a bright, 
crisp and thoroughly up-to-date style. 
may prove extremely palatable. Fresh 
ideas are not always easy to find. 
Besides, though you may hring a poet 
to the Pierian spring, if he has hydro- 
phobia you cannot make him drink. 
Hence the great thing for the poet com- 
mencing is to acquire a good stock of 
ideas, and to this end they should be 
carefully recorded in a notebook kept 
especially for the purpose. 

Happily, ideas have not always to be 
hunted for. They sometimes present 
themselves in the most unexpected way. 
Thus, the present writer once found a 
saleable one in the pages of a money- 
lender's circular thrust into his letter- 
box. On another occasion a contribution 
which realised 7.s'. Cxi. was evolved through 
a visit to a dentist. The germ of a third 
was furnished by the random ejaculation 
of a sandwichman who had slipped on a 
piece of orange peel. 

The next question that presents itself 
is that of rhyme. Rhyme is, of course, 
not absolutely indispensable to poetry, 
as the case of MII.TON'S 7W<7i<? Lo< 
abundantly proves. Hut no poetic aspi- 1 
rant, unless possessed of an independent i 
income, can be recommended to devote 
himself to the composition of blank 
verse. The plain fact is that anybody 
can write blank verse- novelists often 
do without knowing it. Rhymed poetry, 
on the other hand, can only he written 


Stage Manager (interricicing children icith the idea of engaging them for a new play). "HAS 


by a conscious effort. Here the test of 
remuneration is unanswerable. MH.TOX 
obtained only 5 for Paradise Lost, 
while The Absent-Minded Beggar brought 
its gifted author at least ten times that 
amount for his charity. 

Next to rhyme the most difficult thing 
to manage is the metre, though here the 
best models allow themselves a good 
deal of latitude, and the insertion of an 
extra foot or two is an agreeable ex- 
crescence which greatly assists the march 
of the poem. 

As regards treatment generally, it]is 

obvious that the idea must be worked up 
in as poetic a way as possible. Baldness 
is to be avoided, but a too luxuriant crop 
of verbiage is equally to be deprecated. 
It is difficult to state exactly what con- 
stitutes the true poetic quality, but 
certain broad rules can be laid down for 
the guidance of Parnassian pilgrims. 
The poet must always strive to idealise ; 
he must omit commonplace details and 
emphasize the romantic aspect of his 
theme. Thus, if the subject be sleep, it 
is well to make no reference lo snoring, 
while many rseful adjuncts of our daily 




.. t.iiL 

Kilt f. n hull-el*** 

^ num. ami will, I think, do all 1 
want. Her terms are abeunUy tow, sad 

, lloi.M jnd h.i- 
;,,.....-: : . * which would 

. wighh irhood 

tionnblv (.mth. the 

ill bring in ai. which, tl 

the wages of an expert chauffeur, i- 
much al^ve the stipend of the average 




Vr. Vac nay to her Sitter-in-lav. 


WHEX GEOBOE'R affairs are x-ttled 1 
-li.dl have. Mr. GKAHAVI thinks, about 
40 a year: and M,w-rs. KKJBHAW are 

i f. ir linishing tli 

little history l.ik,and the column I con- 
tribute to the I'ltiHft bring- in a guinea 
a w,, | ;d*i get a little more 

lie time. TOY'S -chool 
is paid for I si > h l.-ft. 

take Mr 

HAM'S advice, much as I di-hk.- it. and 
ing guest to take 

the tv. ipied rooms. Mr-. Vtv 

corr and 1 (she comes in a good deal and 
is very bright) had some fun but 
night drawing up advertisement*; but 
in the end I sent to the .Voniinj Pott 
something quite staid and commonplace. 


-lands vegetable* thoroughly. - 

aid although Mrs. 

.K alien. 1 the 

u all laint 



Misx H\MM thank- Mr- M v \ \t f"r 
her lett'-f. and .- prolong to come on 

,\lded the 

,|,,e,tl.,|l- I. HI I" 

- there any child.- 


\ any near neighlioiir '.' 
--i \oiiug doctor 
I- the Vicar high or I'.vv ? 

;. iM-olitaill.-d . 


leranian? (8) Is tiler. 

Sn-ietv for 


in thf vicinity a 


Mr*. Uacixiy to Uiti Bayley. 
Mrs. MAfNv\ j.n --nt> li.-r coin|>liinciit> 

to Miss Rum. ami begs to 
iii drder. 

ily M her 


1 on,, httl,. girl, aged 7, is th; only 
child, except in (lie holidays, when a !<.> 
i.i will r.'turn. 
rhen- is mi piano. 
Ami n,i chirkcn-.. 

I. Tin- iliK-tur is I.".. 
l/iw Cluirch. 

II. S-vernl pony-trap*. 
7 I >n not mind dog. 

\n Ihint- A mothers' 

lir-t Momlay in tin- month. 

Mn. .Udcn.ii/ to her Sitter-in-laic. 

hi -pile of inv I- '.VU.KY 

,-aine .! ar: 'h the harmle-- 'l>, 

ind the lir-t thing that happened was 

that it bit tl- knife-. ind lx't l>y in the 

Mi-- Hum \\.i- very -oirv. but 

\|.lain.-d that il was the green bai/.e 

that diil il I'riiiiiii that I- the 

. . having U-en ill i 

Iniiiitiire man. She -laved an 

hour and looked at everything, and I 

nin-t -ay that I di-like her im ..... n-cK . 

Imt her ready ai-'pu. ihe matter 

.f term- make- it almost impos-ibl.- not 

to take her. I w i.-h now that I had 

i-ked more, a- Mrs. Vis. i\l wanted me 

Ine i- alua\- .It.-ruards. 

.jr.-ed tha' \' ..... nth. 


Itni/li-i/ t'i Mi-f. M't 

1>KAH Ml:-. M\. \n. I have .l.vided 
to share your liou-e on the ten. 
have arranged, but 1 mu-t a-k yo.. 

Mrs. MM SAY will IH> pleased to show 
the house on Monday. 


* ad- 

t lu- 


.1. M. 

Miss Hour* would ! glad to 

ilars as to A M - 
luent for a pnying gn 

,U) 1*0*. Ml- 1\MM 

,, u t J :.ial home, and would In- 

certaii ' hurch 

< drainage, a 

-uiuU vegetables, and a south 


i. Matitay to Mint liayiey. 

to make two or three slight 

was conscious on the landing by my 
r,nn of a dix-oloratioii in the wall 
which could not. 1 think, U- due to any- 
thing but damp. 1 have Mich a ; 

ica that I l.-el compelled to make 
a point of ha-. ' dam]. 

applied before I take up my residence 
with you. Another matter i.- the knife- 
anil U>ot Uiy who >o unfortunately 
placed himself in I'l-iim;/'* av . 1 am 
conscious that 1 am asking a tjr.-ai and 


Jl/r. ilacnay to her Sitter-in-law. 

The only reply that agreed to the 

.va- from a Mi lUm.y. but her 

-o fussy that 1 answer^l 

her in a way which Mrs. VIM K\T and I 

f.-li sure would end the matter. V 

decided -he could not go on with it, but 

the i -nly brought a longer 

of ijue-tioiis, ei^ht in all, tabulated like 

an examination paper. So we have 
ling, also like 

,iniii. id. .n pa|M-r, and now fii-1 
re.dly fn-c of the imiuisition and 
to try again. 


Mitt ttaylcij to u l-'rifii'l. 
I went down to we the house on 

Monday and 1 

c iinpliiuenta ! IttniAY Beenw to IK- the widow 

of a 

perhaps univa-. .liable favour, bill I do 
so trust you may -ee your way to gelling 
another IHIV in the place of tin- uiic. or I 
am convinced that 1'i-iniuj may suffer. 
If coii\enient to you 1 -hall move in on 
Monday, the 2nd" of ne\t mouth. 
Yours truly, AI.KI AIM 


Mr*. \l<ii->i!/ I" .Mi*.-- I'-idjluj. 

llKVH Ml lUvin. 1 very much 
lo have to trouble \oii. but I have 
been reminded by my lawyer that it 
would )>< very irregular if I did not go 
through the formality of a-kmg you lor 
reference-. Will you kindly let me have 
one or two? I am. 

Your- truly . 

ANMI. M\' s\v. 

lull Hint nitlii-r <i'-i'l I'*' 
nl I Ilia i"' 


Mi - \U. \\K I am 
living in a -m.ill Hal at Kensington, and 

i.'., i !<>:>.; 



' previously to that I was travelling,'. So 
1 have not very much experience as a 

i paying guest, lint 1 was with a Mrs. 
< 'm:\vn at f>, Wilmington Terrace, Kast 
lionrne. for a few weeks, and she would 
perhaps answer your pin-pose, although 
I must warn yon that her nature is, as I 
found out only too so:>n, thoroughly 
cantankerous and her pen may easily lie 
poisoned against myself. I am. 
Yours truly. 

Ai'Kt.MHK B\YI i \ 


Mixx lini/li'i/ In Mr*. <'incil. 
DKVI: MIIS. ( 'KI:\MI. It lias often trou- 
bled me to think that we have so com- 
pletely lost sight of each other since I 
had to give up my pleasant rooms in 
your house. I write now because I 
have just received from a friend in 
Bong-Kong a case of tea, and remember- 
ing how fond you were of China lea 1 
am sending you a parcel of it in memory 
of old times. Yours sincerely, 

Ai.i:i.unK BAYI.EY. 


Mr*. <'/<(/ In Mm. Miii'iiiu/. 

Mrs. ( 'nr.\vi> presents her compliments 
to Mrs. MACNAY and begs to inform her 
that it is some time since Miss HAYI.F.Y 
shared her house, and she cannot 
remember very clearly what happened; 
but Mis-. RAYI.KY was always prompt 
with her share of tlie expense-,. 


Mr?. Miici/ni/ In In'/- s;.v/<T-;'ii-7(iir. 

1 am horribly afraid that Miss BAYI.KY 
has got. to come. Mrs. VIXCF.XT (who 
mimics her to perfection) is for breaking 
off negotiations, even now, at this last 
minute, but 1 don't see how to do it, 
and the money is, after all, very im- 


[The Psychologist's idea of a suilalili' 

Loxi: ago, my dear, when Science 

Loaned from Fancy what she lacked. 
Placing rather more reliance 

< In Hypothesis than Fact, 
People with perverted notions 

Laid the body out in lots, 
And located our emotions 

In the most unlikely spots. 

Thus, they prate about our "eholer," 

Thus, they babble of our " spleen,"- 
Phrases which the finished scholar 

Merely understands to mean 
That a somewhat wild vagary 

Made the old philosopher 
Range around his "little Mary " 

Passions far removed f rom her. 



We of course are not so foolish : 

We to-day should scorn to s< 
Such a " never-went-to-sehoolish " 

Physical anatomy ; 
Yet we keep one superstition : 

Age to erring age imparts 
One deplorable tradition : 

Tis the Shibboleth of Hearts. 

So we find the shops again full 

Of St. Valentine his Ghost ; 
Hearts, devoted or disdainful. 

Interchange, and by the post 
Light-apparelled Loves await us. 

Piercing with pictorial darts 
That hydraulic apparatus 

Of the inter-costal parts. 

Well, they're wrong, then, let me tell 

'em ; 
Since the seat where passions reign 

Lies beyond the cerebellum, 
Somewhere in the upper brain ; 

Love's a kind of ideo-motor 
Action that depends upon 

Certain centres in the coat or 
Hind of the encephalon. 

That is why I send no token 

Of a cardiac distress ; 
Hearts, my darling, are not broken 

In the Stream of Consciousness ; 
To denote the dizzy vortex 

Where my love has lately swum, 
T have diagrammed the cortex, 

Dearest, of my cerebrum. 

WK are asked to say that the play which 
is aboiit to be "written round ' Coco will 
be entitled Merely Hainj Man. 

m t 


Mil l.\ 

I that the practice of letvin -aislcoat unfs|. . 

rrrfrrt Strangtr. " XV 


TV of tin- 
nf tlii 1 EtnMoJuWMM War 

1 \ery ijiiirtly in Russia la.-t w<vk. 

Meanwhile any eh. .\.-. n 

Mkl\ and (ielleral (ililPKN- 
MBM M for off a (^ 

It ua- a i nil Ki Ro- 

I, lul all llial hap- 

|*-|Ud ll. ' ' ll Kl IMI'VTKIN 

M I !i!in:Minri.'- 

n. -i nt 
against hie 

left at the 
it was no 



rt Arthur. If 


ult lint the fault o 

threatened to 1* so great a- to 
the lives of those assembling 
relieve the pre~Mire, a nuni- 
... nf |,T-'ii- were shot down. It is 
i.,ped in ollieial eireles that the la~t has 
iow hevn heard of the affair. 

.nling to our newspapers, the 
mill..! exhibiting strange inde- 

ision in regard to the fate of M \\i\l 

loitkV. !! -ed from pri-on on 

Iternate d. 

The KII ian (lovernmeiit i^ of the 
pinion that it is Ix-ing unjustly blamed 
for not -.topping the War. It is really 
the Japan.-*', they say, who k.-ep it 

thoM officers whoeo duty it w-a to throw 

: M. 

-morr, \ 

To bring President CASTRO to terms a 
naval demonstration is to be upade \<\ 
the American Government against the 
Venezuelan coast towns as noon as 
arrangement* with the l.-adinn Ain. 
.atograph firrna h. 

n of >;raiid 

t<i vii-w the (k'liioiihtnitiiin >honld 
! to I're-ideiit IVil:o dirn-l. 

rt;.- iniiiil-n. of iiKitor-omtn 

in^' Imill for Loiidcm. 
/;.//...>. and " tin- Mi-tro|.olitan A-\lmns 
lUsird ])n)jx>se- -\-teiu of 

motor-amlMilan. I'-nt our ><\ 

is that iiiotor-oinnilni-.-s \\ill pr 
lie no mi ir. 'ii- thiin the i 

vehicle^ lit plexMll ill ll-r. 

The ''.I/' ' that til"' | 

motor omnilms >hall !" <-.ille.l the 
Molm-. And the " pirate." we mi] 

lie l!oliil~ ''. 

Mr. MII.TOV WKI.I.IM.- has h.-ei. 
tiding to an inlerx ieuer the ><<!. 
the Kirlli <if the 1., 

"It was early morning: tin- mountain j 
tops were fringed with that pink hue 
which is so glorious and BO tender. 
Suddenly xnne invi-ilile | 
to sing to me, and the wi 
Whiter of Love.'" We consider 
it phoWB pretty po 
PEAHSOV to --li a -OUR like that for a 

A repni-l haviliy IMVII eili-iilated I" 
:,<! thiit the ( Ireek lloxal Vaeht 
ha<l lie. ii liied at I .y the llallie M--et. 
the King of the III -iied a 





Fi:ni:r,\iiY 1'), 1905.] 




THERE'S voni HORSE, Corsi! THERE!" 



The Count (irAo has taken xcceral (ow). "MEBci, MADAME. I WISH HIM NOT. IT is ENOUGH. I FINISH--! GO HOME!" 

statement to the effect that "the Koyal 
Yacht never came in sight of the Baltic- 
Fleet at any time or place." That is no 
answer to the charge. 

Almost ready. A Guide to the Hun- 
dred Beat BooA-s on Lhassa the Unkn<>irn, 


The latest official returns show that 
liVvivalism is spreading even to Trade, 
and JMr. ( 'n \\IIIKRI.AIK is reported to he 
serioiislv alarmed. 

Meanwhile, what certain politicians 
are praying for is not a TciHREY but a 
Tory Revival. 

The railway companies have done so 
badly in the past half year that extra- 
ordinary clTorts are now being made to 
retain their customers. The (ireat 
Northern Company, for instance, are 
whitening the edges of their platforms 

to prevent persons stepping over in the 
fog, or in the dark. 

Earl SPEXCER has at last promulgated 
a Liberal programme. The chief item 
is strenuous opposition to the policy of 
the other side whatever it may be. 

Recent occurrences at Constantinople 
have caused the SULTAN to wonder 
whether, after all, there may not be 
something in the rumour that he is not 
loved for his own sake alone. 

The first of a new series of Saturday 
to Monday revolutions has just been 
held in Argentina, the week end being 
selected as offering greater conveniences 
to busy men. 

The statement made by a medical 
expert to the effect that lack of mental 
exercise culminates not infrequently in 
sol lening of the brain has caused some- 

thing akin to panic in several Govern 
ment offices. 

Our Flat has been revived, and the 
Marquis of ANGLESEY may be back in 
town any day. 

The Real Heroine of Port Arthur. 

THE following passage is from an 
account, in the Western Morning News, 
of a lecture delivered by Mr. FREDERIC 
VILUERS at Exeter. 

" In conclusion Mr. VILI.IERS quoted General 
XOGI'S opinion that General STOESSEL'S strategy 
was very good, and said the defence of Port 
Arthur was worthy of the unstinted admiration 
of the whole world. - Mrs. D. SMITH had charge 
of the local arrangements." 

FROM the Northern Whig: "Her 
father was - , who died some years 
ago, his icidoic having died of a broken 
heart previously." 


l.\ I'.ni.-,. 


r..n. vi ! 

l.-.ip nrto hf>- . 
men! . hilhert.. f 



(.,-1 I.,,,.,, 

Am i ili.ii winch in 

I \\llll II. -fi. 


il wlulM it -:>!! lluller 

rm u Hiwit i,.v I -i i 

i'ivd |.,, \ former 

predecessor was Eliw AHVt:tt> ll\i(ru:n. 
Knig icrstood .. : his 

prutnution lu Miniftterial office agreement 
entered upoo that then-.iftci !>. I 
hut up. Promise honourably kept. 

-.irs I lu- lih*>t li|:it:inl of jH.lilii i.ITi-. 

he, whilst lit tin- A<linimlly. sat dumb 
i>n the Treasury IV-nch r nimed -d.-nt 
ilm.iii.-l, Sheffield 

Ami here '- \M: suddenly hn-.iking 
INK in sulmiarinc thn-.its In a friendly 
Rawer i>rturling tin- continent with 
the Hhadow ami went of Moudie war ! 

Impulse douhtl.- came fnnn warlike 

oration*. A in.iti ha-n't Ixvn Adju- 
tant of Hong-Kong Volunteer- fr full 
twelre month- without imhihing mar- 
tial itlntti. When nearly two v.-.ira ago 
FUVTE ArnilK looked upon MemU-r 
for South Hamp-hirc with frieiidlx >>.-. 
a quaint hitl.- .-rp.r cr.-pt in. momentarily 
obfuscating hi- iniml. K\ery i-\< -u-e 
for the little mistake U.N Jost had 
just launched hi- Tariffs lin|tie, war 
ranted to mnv. \ the I'm. m-t Party 
-li<wln, |>ast tin- nk- '.f ' >|>- 
poaition. triumph. iiitlv landini: tin-in 
through the gate of aficiieral KWiimi 
In the -.if.- ami -p.i. IOM- harliour of 
renewed lease of ) 

PtrsiT AirrHt ii - iniml ...n|.n-<l in 
trying to think what ho th-mulii "f tli<* 
I'pililein. lii- keen intellet't. .l.-\..|.-.| In 
the task of finding [.lira-*-, that would 
rlearir exprew IUK meaning, giX n little 
' up in geography. Knew \.-ry 
well that LKC had been a nun of war at 
Hong-Kong. Mad not th.- native IMH-I 
-nni; I.!- pruweaa in deathle 
rene. fill in u n.iirly a column in <!> 
paper? It would ) in aciiini.ui.-.- 
with ordinary f things that 

\ AdjiiLinl of th. V.,|im 

toera. called t the Mini-ir>. should In- 
placed at the War < >ftW. riif..rt.inately, 
in hum of the moiiH-nl. ami iil ! 
at hand the Am*\M < ii \i;m 
the iroprawion, PUHCR Amu R got it 
wto hia hea.1 that Met. 

! : . ' , ; - ! ' ' !. I, I!, 


K'otig, if 

.-v-tiiall-. .in i-l.ind. was ccrtainlv a |>rt. 

at.-<l out into the s.iv. The 

:dingl>. made 

Civil l,,rd ..f the Aduuraltv with the 

. - ' ' 

.ing on the lop of ..(her thing-, 
nlow.ird incident might I 

1 to ,l.-pre the PlllMIHI ..Ii 

i In the coiilrarv . n.-v.-r 
nr>- iM-.miing in countenance, 
in manner more bubbling 
with c. ilainlv thai matter- would, 
IM.W muddle thrOUgh. 

\- I -.lid .it Mail. h< -lei the olhi-l 

he cliei-rilv remarked. vv>- mii-t 

I it c. .. 

WU awkward alxiiil I.I I Hut it all 
OOnWS of mal.llilv ill. it 1. impel- 
what they mean 

I'll the Friday lalway- heard il was 
nnliickv .1 . -off to the country, 

ami. ii-ing the phra-e in a 

Parliament.!!) -en-e. pull- the Kmperor 
..f Ii Much si|iiealing 

follows. Then I.KK write- to the | aper- 
.1111 he had not said what he was 
unanimously reported to have -jK.ken. 
hut something el-... (lermany regards 
tin- -omething el-, a- rather wor-e than 
the utterance tir-t re|>orled. So we have 
the fat in the fire twice. l-t i' 
warning to you. TOBY, dear IMIV. Then- '.- 
nothing like plain speaking, as short as 
you like, hut every word simply and 
straightforwardly expressing your mean- 
ing. If LKE'S escapade enforces that 
principle on our statesmen I mean 
those sitting on the benches opposite 
and iiiak.-- tin- practice universal in 
public life, he will not have blundered 
in vain." 

Itiminfft ilonr. Ojiening of the fifth 
i Session of the First Parliament of King 
F.hxvviin mi. Si:\K\rn. (Jencral r 
-ion that there won't IM- a sixth. 


IM>.|.-\< vii>.\ having reached us that 

Mr. HKMIY .1 VMKS contemplates writing 

a novel on the |x.litical complications 

which have arisen since Mr. CIIAMIIKHI.VIV 

left the Cahinet. one of our repreaentn- 

jonnii-yel down to the country 

..f the famous cryptogram- 

mali-l to ohtain coiilirination at head- 

<|iiarters of this striking rumour. 

I- it true. Mr. .1 vvtr.-." a-k>-d our 
-nlalive. "thai your m \t novel 
will d.-al with Fj-c.d Policy?" 

"What a distincily rum i|iie-ti. 

ked mill. :!,e '>'.././,, 

" Politic- on me at' a.tualilv 
of ih.m in the dust of the arena, mile 
halldle.1 liy all opulent and 

-II ii.uld lie, 

.dating inHiieiice. Hut HM loin's 
great, (juite uns|M-!>l 

Sulix-<|ueiit i>in\erxilion c-tahli-hi-d 
the inten*sting f.u t that Mr. Ill MIY .1 v\n.-, 
without trealiii^ of tin- details of the 
.ontrover-v ] < hi- forth- 

i. .mini; novel t.. elucidate the relations 
l.-tu.-. i, Mr livlt.'i 11 and th..-.- who left 
tin- ( '.il.iii.-l. ami with hi- 
miirle-v he vva- kind enough to -upply 
u- with the following liiniim n- fri-nnrio 
on a half -he-t of noli pa|H-r : 

' Th. v ihu- tacitly put it U|KIII him to 

IM- il|-|.xi| of. the whole li.lnplcMlv of 

peril, and lie proiupiU -.ivv why : 
lMian-4- he vva- there, and then- |ii-t a- 
h>- vva-. to lilt il off them ami lake il 
to i h. Hi;.- hiin-elf with it as Sinillxnl tin- 
-..Idler had I..-.-H i hari;ii| with the Inirden 
of the i lid Man ..f the S-a It \v 
..( coin-.-, their de-i^ii and th. 
that he -h..nld sink under it : it wouldn't 
IM- their feeling that he should d anv 
thing lmt ' hang on.' ' ham; ..n 
how for their iM-m-lit. and i-v>-n as much 

-llile 111 their colnpanv. to keep 
pmvitii; I., them that they had truly 
I. and that he vva- -till thiTi- to 
-implifv. The note of reality, in MI 
much projei-li-d light, continui-d to have 
for him the charm and the importance 
of which tin- maximum had occa-ionallv 
U-en readied in hi* great 'lind-' con- 
tinued. lM-voiid any other, to ke-p him 
alert and attentive. Nothing |>erhaps 
might affect u- a- i|iiecrcr, had we time 
to look into it. than this application of 
-ure of value to -iich 
different pieces of pro],crty a- old yolf 
putters, -av.and m-vv colleagues; all the 
more indeed that the ami. idle man was 
not without an inkling, on his own side. 
that he was. as a taster of life, econoini- 

callv constructed." 

Answer* to Correspondents. 

- Wi-do not know v,,ur 

mother-in-law, hut fr..m your account of 
her methods we think you were unite 
justified in -ending her home ami re- 
placing her with a .lapanc-e folding 
screen. A- v..n say. the latter is likely 
to contriliute nmrc to the harmony of 
your drawing-room ; it i- 
and it can. at any moment. IM- .-hut up. 

"Mil- \..ii an-wi-n-d that 

advertisement in t'. /.'. />!/'. MIHJ-UIIH-. 
which undertake- that "the height of 
either sex can quickly lie increased from 
two to five inch.--." and have already 
n -ached the latter figure? Hut y.,u 
mil-! not I,,- ,|i-, ; ,t your 

p.-.. pie's failure lo remark tin- in 
crease of l.'iU per cent, in your stature. 
After all. the advertisement Ka\- 

fair warning when it said that "these 

It- can !M> accomplished 

at home without the knowledge of v..iir 

ntOBt intimate friend-" You write a 

nand for your 

FKIIIIIAKY 1.'., lid).'.. 


i:.'. 1 ! 


K.viu. Si'Kxi 1:1: ro .Mi> : I.IIH:K.H. TAIMV. 






Miss I'AMrilKI.I.IXA-HAXNKIl.MAX TIP Mil. ( '|I\'.|I!KI1I.AIX. 




Tom. a-v i:.. 


u a dm-- 

lll.lllU 1 

: ' 

too woo after 


ni liolb f 

' .: ' ' . ' 

MM, for pemui in i!. 

CllO-d 111- 

Bid trick- Itilt cither il w.i- 

ill fji: 1 h;i'l i 

r little tiling- made 

- rather a proud rliilii 
.: -uch a llU-rly a- 

i . w ho i- 

uirtncNH, nuide the Conjurer ! ^ 

lot oiil .1 In- a- really 


were appat' : In- lilt . u t hy 

informing every ek-wns 

,-<-thcr ill. i.i IM falling so flat 

that I felt obliged to i.-ll Mi- CII.IHM.IMM tint I . .<ul'l i\\ 
understand it, as the ntau lia.l U-.-;, very hi-hK rivonnn.-nded 
to me, and that I ho)**! In- \vmilil 

clever and uum-inK hy ami liy. Mr must have overheard 
(as I certainly intended him to do . ami it -ovim-d t., ]>iit liini 
on In- iiH-illf. for In- said that for his next e.\|>eriment he 
should require tin- assistance of a grown-up, and singled 
<>ul Mr. GnLDDKIBAlf, who, with a <-.mdr-ivnsioii rcniarkalile 
indeed in a o.mpany promoter of his c\pe: 
to oblige him. 

I could s- - dignity WIN a little ruffled at the mere 

SOggBBtion tlmt In- mi^'lit he a confederate, and In- \va.- as 
Htartled as anyl>ody when something alive ami kicking was 
taken out <>f hi- doable-breasted 

The Conjurer called it a lint it was unlike any 
breed of rabbits tlmt I am acquainted with, having a inncji 
longer tail for one tiling. 1-cside- Ix-ing :> bright scarlet. 
r with litllp scale-. He ruMx-d the 
beast into two red and a green one U-fnre our eyes, and 
they shot up the curtains and disappeared U liind the gilt 

Nobody made uient, though I could we .- 

people were considerably impressed. As fur Mr. (MLMSLIUM. 
he slipped .juiftly downstairs, and, HI I aftorwanl.- hcanl. 
asked the Imtl.-r f..r a whtakr-and-aoda U-fnre leaving (In- 
house. Tlicn the Conjurer .-udd.-nly r.ill.-d out little MORITX 
ii iked him if he had a hcailachi-, which iln- 

child deniiHl. But We Could all liear hi- little head tickin- 
away like a tape machine, and pr.--. nily w. ir.-;im of 

iK fnun his left ear. Mis father, from 

--. rii-h.-d lo read off the : 

it v> ue could not lind the tape after 

, but M. with a -inothen-d i-xclamatinn 

hich I only trii-l (lie children did not < atch. ru-lied from 
the nnnii. and proenlly \M- heard a lian-oni clattering off in 
a frantic hurr / i,,ld TOW^I u. next .lay that, when he 

got home thai i-\i-ninir. I,. .,,,| |, v |, 

hidi mi-tn* rather unreasonable. 

I res' ' trick i-.. .it 1 Ihinl; it WHS the 

!nii of an nniiM n-.- ^lav- lil of water from Mr 
oat tail |N-ket. When th. - ,!,. 

K prelly. hut there wa- hardly time 

wn-s in the water in tin ,," s Mr. 

iriMKK in hi nervoUKiieai upset the li\vl. ;ind ih,. 
thing inside gut away. Mrs. McM.!ov ,|,, ; j, |,j t 

her on the ankle, whu h I do not believe. She was always a 

i \\oman. and if il w.i- a >n.ike .it nil I am 

M-rf.-ctly harmle. 

Still, though the man njiirer 

that. 'I, and the jin.-nile- h.-^an to l.ik 

'witi I on bis efforts to arouse them* none of the 

. 'Idi- 'eineil to be really enjoying them-.-l\.~. II, i- 

all a|>plnilde<l, to a\i<| hurting hi- f.-'|int;. and. 

"hen IM rntriloquiol exhibition with an 

lively rude little ..len pnpi.-i out of a Ui^. \\hich made 

r,.n-u|i |>re-<Mit that 

i" l.inyli good-humouredly, 
though I i "iild >!> land ILuuiADVKE were Buspected ol 

., fiirni-hed the particul 

'ilit that, in |>crMiadinK Mr. ( ii 1 1-1 \- nwu\. 
much against bis v l-e hidden >mder 

il-roidered pi .nid then re\ealin.i; hiin 

and \.-rypink pie, the Conjurer went m 

' I am l"'imd to admit the children, ami e-pecially the 
little ( il IM.N-i lll IN-. Uere deli;lited. For m\-elf, I 
distressed that sucli a tlnnj,' ,-hould have happeiieil in my 

:iml to Mr. (!i I.I.I.N-I HUMS of all p.-. iph- ! 
At the siime time. 1 ,/., think he mi^ht ha\e shown a little 
more of what 1 call /.n/c.nnV aln'iit it, e-j-cially a- the . 
of the ill transformation, or \\hatever it wa- wore 

off V. did indeed Were hardly liotir.-al.le l.y -upper- 

time. Hut ]..i,ple are lioru \\itlioiit the -eu.-M- of 

humour ! 

I should ha\e li.-en thankful my-clf. a- I kn> 
many people were, when the tiresome man announced the 

item on his [.rotrniimiie. if only it hadn't I... 
Distribution of Gifta to all the children from what lie called 
"the Inexhaustible F.hvt roller." ..[,,. thin^. 1 was 

anxious ahout the chandelier (which i- coloured Venetian 
glass and fragile', and. for another. I had uhts 

as to what he mi^lit choose t,. ,-on-ider -uit:il. :- f,, r 

miK-ent i 

How he c-ontrived that . .f white i 

neatly tied up in rililxm lilne for IHIV.-. and for j,'irl- 
shinild appear to drop, one liy one. into a hat from the centre 
of the chandelier is more than I ran explain hut it v 
r.-lief to find that the contents gave ,-atisfactiou not on! 
the children hut to their parent- al-o. 

At least, it tnix a relief till I . !, , ,f the 

I'ink pa. ined one of the trinkets which oiil> l.-t'i 

my jewel-case on very sp-ial \vhile . 

received an Oriental curio ill carved jade or h -tal. 

from a collection \\hich M\U\I\MKK had pi.-ke.l up privately 
for a mere trifle and hoped to .1: 
day at an immense profit Ami, as theliitl-- 
quite aware of the value of the ol.j.-cts. it would 1 

- try and reclaim them. 1'nder all the circum- 
-tances. the only tiling to do \\ reota 

in their impression thai our little surprise had I- 
fully thought out lieforeliand. S. it really ir,i hard t.. 
when I found out afterwards, from indir.f t -ourc<-, that it 
ua- Considered to he a piece of vnl-ar o- tent at ion on on r part ! 

[managed to per.-uade Toii^i n. and F.n\i^s.,Mti'i: io I. 

their own pan-els with me unopened Impm- -..n-k 

''iii;; at all events hut then- was absolutely nothing 
inside either packet, though I am afraid Loth the children 
-till su-i ect iheir mother of I.eiiiK ' story teller. 

If I had had an op|H,rtnnil v I should certainly ha- 
that conjuring jN-rson in very plain term- what I thought ..f 
In- performance, hut liy the lime I wa- -ulliciently . 

- so the man had K..IIC. I Mi i \\'n;. lull- 

tending to discharge her on the spot, hut ua- informed' that 
-he had discharged herself some time previously which 

that -he wa- e\,-ry hit i| 1( . mall. 

Who / wa-, or why he -hould BD to play -IK h 

|.mtle- and iiiiKentlemanly pranks on u* ,- a p.-rf.vt 

FEBRUARY 15, 1905.] 



mystery to me, but I cannot for a moment admit that then- 
was anything in the least tupernatwrol about the affair. \\ e 
an- hardly, I sliould hope, the kind of people- fora visitation 
nl tltnt description. Whatever \ve saw lor rat her innnjiiti'il ue 
sau i that e\ening. I am positive can be quite satisfactorily 
put down to hypnotism, or something of that sort. 

All the same the consequences have been unfortunate. 
MARMAOI KI: is not nearly so intimate with .Mr. QoraBBQHWHN, 
Mr. Si'iovciiKiMKK, and .Mr. Mo. M \\i.\iox, or indeed any of his 
rich city friends, as lie used to be, and of course he puts all 
the blame on me/ And for some days after the party there 
were troubles in the nursery too, owing to Nurse's finding 
such quantities of ivorinc billiard halls and breakfast eggs in 

darling KKMYM; UIIIK'S hair, while poor little TOIIOI n, would 
spout streams of coloured shavings by the hour together, 
which was very troublesome for everybody, though 1 am 
thankful to say the doctor prescribed some medicine which 
effectually prevented any return of the symptoms. 

I think I am a little run down myself, and I have had to 
i;i\e up my "At Home" day. 1 should bo sorry to miss 
Mrs. Mi . \h\i\io\. Mrs. Sl'iosciiKiMKK, or Mrs. ( li I.MAM II\M IN. 
and all my other friends, if they sltnulil happen to call but 
.sitting alone in the drawing-room waiting for them was 
more than 1 could endure. It was nothing but nerve-., I 
know but I simply could nut keep mv eyes off the cornice,. 

P. A. 


Sill A I.I. \ \M>KI! 

.M vi KKXXII: is giving 
a series of lectn ir- 
on Bohemian Music. 

Very interesting 

sn b ject We re i t 
limited to within 
only a radius of one 
mile around < 'ovent 
(iarden taken as 
the centre. Sir 
Al.K\\xi>KR will pro- 
bably remember the 
old Bohemian music 
of the very Bohe- 
mian " ( 'oal Hole." 
"Cider Cellars," 
and Kvvxs's Supper 
Rooms, I f in /tori' 

trust that the 
learned Musical 
Ihx'tor will give us 
the history and 
origin of such 
Bohemian choruses 
as commence with 
"Tol lol de rol lol," 
" Rum ti iddity hi 
gee bo," " with his " 
the comic singer's 

"fol de rol lol," 
showing how these 
words became 
gradually part and 
parcel of English Minstrelsy. Had these atoms of apparently 
unmeaning syllables any secret political meaning? Was 
there anything .lacobitish hidden in such a refrain as the one 
to the ancient song of Bill tiimin-inx, which, after every alter- 
nate phrase of four bars in one-tvvo-tliree time, was thus 
worded, " Tit fit I urn. titti fnl In .> " Doubtless the derivation 
of "Tol de rol" and so forth is to be found in the songs of 
the people long before Shakspearian days. It is to be hoped 
that Sir Ai i:\ \M>I:II will not allow so rare a chance to escape 
him. and we trust that he will be able to sing the old songs, 
exquisitely accompanying himself to "Sam Hall," "Billy 
Bnrliiir nnjijt-ili/ <>." and others of old Bohemian distinction. 

To make the entertainment perfect Sir AI.KXAXDER would 
have to " make up " for the parts of "Sam Hall " and " Billn 

7 7 M i i ... 

Dortour, and 





sing these songs "in character." A great 

PKRFKIT KAAMI-I.K OF " Fimmv, Cu'iru.." The City of Cork. 


Al llloi <;i[, on the 

occasion of the 

celebration of the 

Birthday of 


(Tuesday, Feb. 7, 
Lord JAMES'S well- 
ivasniied discourse 
on " Boz as a Social 
Reformer " was 
most instructive, 
containing matter 
which, being con- 
sidered by Lord liv as contro- 
versial, roused the 
Lord Chancellor to 
comic combative- 
ness, and although 
Mr. CHOATI-; was in 
happiest vein, his 
speech being fol- 
lowed by a carefully 
prepared lecture by 
Mr. PARKINSON', and 
though Mr. COIIYXS 
CARR devoted his 
eloquence to a sub- 
ject which was evi- 
dently very dear to 
his heart, yet the 
earnest, impas- 
sioned speech of Mr. 
so evidently in- 
spired by true filial 
love and reverence, was not only last and not least, but it was, 
admittedly on all hands, the speech of the evening. Mr. HKNRY 
DtCKr.xs, K.C., is the very best illustration of the wise child 
who not only does know his own father, and understands him 
thoroughly, but has the rare gift of ao simply yet eloquently 
stating his case as to convince those least open to conviction, 
and to convert all his hearers to his own carefully considered 
decisions. Such was the unanimous opinion of the Boz Club 
and its guests, numbering some hundred and fifty convive*. 

The menu, provided by the Savoy caterers, was excellent ; 
wines and waiting good; thorough harmony prevailed, but 
there was no music to interfere with the conversation. Yet, 
to have made the banquet ideally perfect, there ought to 
have been a " redistribution of seats." 

THE Hero of the day is now to be seen at any performance 
of Much Ado at His Majesty's Theatre. We welcome Mi-- 
Vioi.v on her return to health and to the stage. 



enaatioti nn-1 my-ti-r Baron 

.1 the peniMl -.( .' 

From t> '--UN 

I j" 


ID SOIIM-v dl- 


:i.'k by 
k. is M>l: 

l{ what UM-d to lie mil"! tln> tr.i- 

\ \ ..'.-( inodernitv 

\ : . 

M.i-ili.uii.i with 

.ill tin love thec -nil hi- recommends this 

novel to tin .il n-ader. who will know at wh:it time 

to call In hi* aid tl.. ami lii- l'.v in order to make 

nil mil and get rapidly into |*>rt. 

and i. .<.;> him : 

TlieSetrtt H'oMiii(METHrEx)isastnmgbook. S.memav t.ik.- 
i tin- ground that it is even inurliiilly strong. 
As SnrKABF. di\ ined, mankind likes light mingled with the 
hade of tragedy. Kven in King /, which Mr. Ki*:x 
PutUl- (Uals in wnubreness. the </r>irmi/i* 

prrvomr include "Fool." My llarunite hastens to :nlinit 
that Mr. Pim.i n-rT> in nut wholly unmindful of this adjunct 
to the perfection of art. Mr. \Yettairait. the light-hearted 
spendthrift flockmaKter, whose proudest recollection i- tint 
he once signed a cheouc for OMT !.'<>. and whose generous 
improvidence finally breaks up In- home, is delightfully 
drawn. For thr ret. tin- family friends ami acquaintances 

.vrirf H are dour folk, doggedly going their own 
way. dropping hiisliands down a well and lying in wait for 

n with murderous intent should they offer liari 
progress. The theme is pitched on a highly strained note, 
In Ix- maintained i.nly l>y great gifts. These Mr. 1 > 
bring)* In his work, reaehing what is as yrt In- -npi.-mest 
achievement. There is a sueceMion of stirring dmmatie 
acenes. notal>ly that where llarlnni. sacrificing he.^-lf on the 
altar of filial affectinn. proi-^-s to marry the anvinius tmt 

.\rteoit, and another win-re the Svrrt U'om.i 
fronts the i.|. .\\.-.l munlprem and ocrusea her of her crime. 
For background the grim story hax the hills, the dale-, tin- 
*t reams, the akies of Dtulmour. which Mr. 1'iui i I^M- knows 

: the" F.ngli-h Men of \A-- 

M MIIJ.X; U niaintainerl. jx-rhap-, uplifte<l. l,y Mr SII.I-HKV 
Gwnrs. Volumes have Uvn written, )>y I/.|.| .Ions 
Knsaa, a>x>ut TIK.MVS afalOB, who hiniM-lf 
I* 3 * n t bee Inrkward in letting the pul>lic 
know what manner of man lie \\.i- Mi 
i;.v\\-. h.ul M-I for him the more modest, 
though not lens difficult, ta-k f pn - -nting. 
within lii. .'Hi-.! I iy tin- 

the serieii, an epitome of tin- |--t'- life anil 
Works. It In ilmu-, with lom-li 
dwcriminnting though .\mpaihetn- \\'e I -How MOOBC 
thnnigh his butterfly life, umi it \Mnetl 

hard work; n -., the l.nrden was leas 

easir to cam-, of sheer dp. 

charming wife, HOOK'S closing day 
by the reckless extravagance of a worthlcM son Living 

.rfuri; /'i/i/rifNi-. 1'V H. rj \\ \M> \ V 1 
will interest aiid'delight all Kt-ntish men gixl and true, and 
moreover Will encourage many who may ! " -tnnger- yri to 

. a xijoiirn in that nt\ ci-li'' 

Mr. . - appli . and wolnrn. 

It \\.i- in 't in \lr ..Hii'iti .- line to coiiimeiice Ins lamlation with 
the cathedral- ol ..n-l t 'anterlmry. 

nor In Saint Tll"v- \ "f whom Mr. .liiii/lr may 

nl Mr \\'M;|.'- U..k i- n-pli-te with delight- 
ful old worM I-. all well and wix-ly told, 
without (lie slightest indication < ' pie folk who 
cling reverentially to tradition. A- a pleasantly instructive 
companion and trustworthy guide to Kent, this lunik can lie 
mended liv the Mai 

If Major AitTlii It CimtlllK the author of Wiuuifn-il'* \\'<i;i 
} \' \\nin A (',,.. hke another celelirafed Major. ] 

i plant, vet." ijiiiith the Karon, continuing ln> adaptation 
of the ((notation. 1 would he wen- " constant a- an evergi- 
to his mv-terie- of Crime ami Police. uch as have thrilled 
his n-aders in ']"' and in other notalile 

romances. When the Major condescends to a ni' dern Society 
novel for the sake of delineating a wayward flirt's character, 
true as is his touch, and interesting as he has made this 

with its capital s-ial skeli ; :nl chara. 

the 1 la ron cannot Imt regret the aliscnce of all -> t:-ari. inalisiu 
and villainy. At the same time the Major is to } H - congra- 
tulated on not having one bad character in the liook. It may 
lx' that he has a lot of villains ready to take their phu 
another sensational novel ; for the Major. . 
the immortal Joey Bagttvel;. \- "-!>. aevflisl 

M-i'Ii ni Mirrif Men, liy Wn.t ivvi A\ ielv it should 

have btfii " MKKIIV -Asi'lii vv- " pnlilishcd l,\ J!I:,.HN \MI 
. will In- of considerate u^e to all and sundry 
who may wish to learn something alioiit "the authors in 
I he lighter vein in the Victorian Kra " without running 
the risk of purchasing their entire works, a- -m-h a -| 
hit ion might not Ix- altogether satisfactory. There are 
forty-eight authors mentioned, and the specimens of their 
merriment are. on the whole, well-selected. The illustrated 
cover, showing a figure of the Motley Fool with cap ami 
bells, is perhaps scarcely appropriate when we lind I hat 
r S.i run. ELmoa BAYLY 'not Itilli. Ciui.-n- |ii,Kf\-. 
an- includwl in the list of "Merry Men." unless we judge of 
a fool less by his folly than by exceptional wisdom. It 

may be that, as THACKBUY is on the li-t of '/'//. .Vi-i-cr/ 
the artistic designer of the 
cover was inspired by the 
great novelist's description of 

himself as Wearing the motley. 
and he may have l>een struck 
by TIIVI kKlnv's own |M.rlr;iit 
of himself, in a iK.yle-like 
vignette, where, having iii 
the professional cap and Iwlls, 
he revi-al.s his own unutterably 
s-nl o.iintenaliee as that of the 
real man Miind the grinning 
mask he has for the n 




B'S friends will ivmark that the la-t three para 
hs sugcetit colourable i nnecting 

the names of HUM K. \Vniu. and Hi:..\\s. 

FEBRUARY 22, 1905.] 




IT has been proposed to christen the 
new Thames steamers after famous 
people who have been associated with 
London. If, ;is may be supposed, some 
vestiges of their namesakes' character- 
istics should animate these boats, we 
may shortly expect to read paragraphs 
like the following : 

It was found impossible to get the 
John Ruskin to go under the railway 
bridge at Charing Cross, and her pas- 
sengers had to be transferred to the 


L" Fashions in drama change as frequently us 
fashions in hats. It has been reserved for our i 
own day to evolve the comedy of nothing-in- 
purticular, Nowadays nothing happens in a 
play." 77ie Outlook.] 

SCENE Xou7i ere in particular. 

HE, a nonentity. 
SHE, another. 

He. Deai- ! 

She (wearily). Oh please don't. 

[Does nothing. 

He. Why. what 's the matter? 
N/ic. Nothing. [He does nothimj. 

Sin-. Well, vim may as well go on. ll 
will !>< something, anyhow. (Ynttii*. 
Nothing ever seems to happen ill this 

Elay. 1 don't know why. It isn't my 
rait. Oh, go on. 

He. All right. Don't suppose it 
amuses me, though. Darling, I love 
you will you marry me? 

She (very wearily). Oh, I suppose so. 

He. Thanks very much. (Kisses her.) 
There ! 

[Returns proudly to his seat, and does 

Site, (irith sudden ej-ritement). Suppos- 
ing I had said "No," would you have 
shot yourself? would you have gone to 
the front ? would your life have been 
a blank hereafter? Would anything 
interesting have happened ? 

He (with a great determination in liis 
eyes). Had you spurned my love 

She (excitedly). Yes, yes ? 

He (with emotion). I should have - 
I should have- done nothing. [Does it. 

8u>. Oh! 

He. Yes. As for shooting or drown- 
ing myself, if any little thing of that 
sort had happened it would have been 
off the stage. I hope I know my place. 
[She does nothing. 

He (politely). I don't know if you're 
keen about stopping here ? If not, we 
might --- 

She. We must wait till somebody'else 
comes on. 

He. True. (Reflects deeply.) Er do 
you mote much ? 

[She sleeps. The audience follows suit. 
Curtain eventually. 




Isambard Brunei, a boat which negotiates 
bridges with the utmost facility. 

Owing to the presence on board of an 
alderman's daughter, the David Garrick 
behaved very unsteadily during her trip 
past the City yesterday, rolling about in 
an alarming manner, and refusing to 
keep her head straight. Her captain, 
however, says it was only her play. 

The Samuel Johnson has gone ashore 
off the Temple. It is supposed that she 
was endeavouring to tap a lamp-post on 
the Embankment in passing. 

The Sir Thomas More has repeatedly 

broken loose from 'her moorings near 
the Tower steps. 

The J. M. W. Turner had a slight 
collision with the Hogarth last week, 
and each has lost several plates. 

Delenda est N.T.C. 

Inquiring Citizen (to well-informed 
friend). I say, what does this business 
between the Post Office and National 
Telephone Company mean ? 

Friend (knowingly). It means a deal. 






11 th 


;ned 1 

'II ill the 

i |'I\\M i:\i\v. in 
:ni. Mr I 

the purposes of 



GmuC. Mr \\ 

in the l^itderxhip of ill.' 

el.l th 

in the way of - 
nr by proxy, of this brt 
this article, rsapectf ally taken aa oretuxue, 


relations witli Foreign Powers continue to be of a 
friendly description, notwithstanding the infatuated i 
policy of my Government. 

It gave me particular satisfaction to receive as my guests 
during the post autumn the King and Queen of IVi 
I regret, however, that their visit should have been somewhat 
marred by the prevalence of fogs, an atmospheric condition 
which I attribute to the malaria of fiscal ambiguity and 
obscurity which infests the deliberations of my Government 

The war which has been in progress since February last 
bat ween Russia and Japan unhappily continues. That no 
successful intervention in the cause of peace has yet been 
accomplished is due in large measure to the habitual tact- 
lessness of my Governn 

The condition of the Balkan Peninsula continues to give 
cause for anxiety, ami is likely so to continue, as long OH my 
Government, with its inveterate pusillanimity, fails to exert 
doe pressure in the right quarters. 

The Convention entered into between my Government and 
that of the French Republic has been approved by tin- 
French legislature and duly ratified. This ig not surprising 
when account is taken of the way in which my Government 
has applied to the French claims in Morocco its traditional 
policy of graceful concert*ioii. 

My Government has also come to an agreement with 
that of Russia, under which an International Commission of 
Inquiry lias been entrusted with the duty of investigating 
the circumstances in connection with the disaster to British 
trawler* which resulted from the action of the Russian I |. . 
in the North Sea. The absolute futility of an arrangement 
brought about through the constitutional lack of courage 
which characu-rih- - diplomat-) will, I |, : .\,. 

no doubt, be mad- :. apparent as soon as the ( 

mini ou publishes its report. 

The steps to ! taken for establishing a Representative 
Constitution in the Transvaal are receiving the tardy and 
grudging consideration of mmenl ; but by a: 

explicable oversight the identical claims of the Orange River 
Colony have been ignored. 

An Agreement with the Tibetan Government was con- 
cluded nt l.ha*i on the 7ih September. The great diffici. 
which the Mission encountered were brilliantly Mil-mount.- 1 
by the civil and military authorities responsible for in- 
duct i hem, but solely to my Gin 
assigned the discredit of this shameless and unwarrantable 

I I) \IIJ.\II \ >t Hit I 

The F.Mimatcs for lh- 'f the ensuing Near will be 

|. n ,| | M .f, . . ..- U-en framed with the utmost 

t.vkleasness' which mi Government's precarious ' 

office mln 

\h I > '!!!' 

.:>'l to \.iu for the establishment 
d with tin- tiueslion of the iincmpl. 
nnal distress arising dinvtly out of th. 
r Convention and tin- t.-tal dislocation of 
indiistrv evidenced by tie Board of Trade return-, and 

ranted for In tin- . intolerable BU n the 


ion of Tariff Reform. 

nr attention will IN- directed to i for diminish- 

ing the anomalies in the present arrangement of Kl.i lord 

-, but nn Mill on this subject 'will IN- laid befor. 
ill a Commission to be appointed for the demarcation of 
craUa difficult < H ,, m ,|. ini . s ^...i, )iavi . ,,.,,,.,!. M V that tim,- almost any. 

GoM-rnment's indecent attachment to ll.e emoluii 
lice will. I fear, cause the i ucnt for the time 

Icing of much desirable legislation of a highly coiistrn 
order, such a-: 1 V Bill to repeal the Lici 

Mill I,, repeal the Fduc.-.tion Act of 1'.- \ Mill to 

iletermine indentured laliour in the Traiis\aal n.. 

Further measures which await the resignation of my 
Government include a Bill for substituting, in !(. 
future Conservative Admin: i -ithly 

for a Septennial Parliament; thus providing facilr 
compul>ory appeal to the country as soon as the particular 
mandate of the previous Election shall ha\e bem CM-CUI- 

In the meantime, may your ddilicr.iiions be guided by 
Heaven, of whose assistance you stand in tl< 

n S. 


["Bridge, motors, and our ailments are really aUmt tin- ..uly three 
subjects on which we converse nowadays." The World.] 

"XlSK to the ace. he had itni 

" b'.-ally ''. " "Didn't know vhat to thmw " 
" Idi it hatln't a heart to lead ; 

Sw ire like anything, don't you ki 

" Ves, it was rather a beastly blow. 
ng his liver and lungs and such" 

" Xcw twiM-yliuder car for Cio"- 
" Pneumonia " " doubled " - " forgot the clut. 

" < tver the regulation speed, " 

"Abscess hadn't had time to gr< 
' ' >ne to get out is all we ); 

" It kept me in for a week or so"- 

" Hearts, and made a most hopeless si. 
"'K d< for the man s<i much ; 

He drives, of course, like an angel." " ( >h '? " 
" Pneumonia" "donble<l " " forgot tin- clutch." 

"Something in I'/M" " metalle<l st. . 

" L-aving it, partner" "laid him low" 
" Mobby in fnmt of him, nit her ti 

" Run it " "insomnia" " Moi> and ' 

" Dianiomls" " had no time to slow" 
-Clubs" -concussion" " \. -"cnit.h" 

"Pauhard" -"appendix" "P.Mi.'sa" 

''"""""" " " 'I- 1.1-1 " " forgot the clutch." 


' doubled "~" 

Th_e stream runs on, it will overli 

it sounds like Dutch : 

Babble on bubble 

" Pneiin. 

a> ' then- they go: 

' doubled " go) the < lnt< h." 

ITNVH. oli TIIK I.oNDoX CIIAl;! YAIM. flBBBCABT 22, l'.H:.. 



(Scene from Ilie great Fixctil Melodrama, "The Closed Dour.") 


Fll;|.T\KY I'l', 1110.-,.; 







'Tis not in MARSHALL to command success, but he might 
do more, Messrs. FROHUAtTand CHODLEIGH, our CHARLES and 
ARTHUR, he might deserve it; pay, in a general way, our 
Captain of comical conceits hath, in. .nearly ..all his former 
pieces, well deserved it. Have; \ve not, our dear CHARLES and 
ARTHUR, rejoiced with the P,et of the Regiment when he 
rejoiced, as witness our beaming faces and laudatory remarks 
when we met you in, the lobby of the Criterion during the 
performance of that most, amusing KiUicrankie, so now must 
we condole with you, and with him, upon the sad and sudden 
loss of that rollicking drollery tempered by quiet humour, 
so characteristic of his previous work ; for these qualities, 
truth to tell, ;>re conspicuously absent from his latest piece, 
Tin- Ludy of Leeds, at Wyndham's .Theatre..- 

Tin 1 east is good, the "Farcical Romance," as its author 
terms it, is not. WEEDON GROSSMITH ought to be funny as a 
victimised cockney waiter who tries to play the aristocrat, 
but he only faintly reminds us of his delightfully comic 
miseries in The- ifagitfrate, with (ah!)- the inimitable Mrs. 
JOHN WOOD, and of his conceit and helplessness as the dis- 
tinguished little amateur, admirably contrasted with the 
stolidity of BRANDON THOMAS in The Pantomime Rehearsal. 
And, a propos of this last mentioned piece, in which every- 
body is supposed to be an amateur actor, what strikes us 
about this same Lady of Leeds is its amateurishness. It is 
the sort of entertainment that at a private party would have 
been pronounced by the polite guests " immensely clever," 
while the charming hostess, with her accomplished but 

modestly simpering dramatist by her side, would have been 
;more than gratified at being assured, over and over again, 
I that " the piece, my dear lady, is quite good enough for the 
1 professional boards," and that, " as a matter of fact " (in a 
complimentary way this would have been added), " far worse 
pieces and far inferior acting to what we have just witnessed 
; in this Theatre Royal Back Drawing-room to-night have been 
known to achieve marvellous success on the regular pro- 
fessional stage." And so to supper, with sharpened appetite 
| and drinketite ; then home, when of course these dear good 
, honest people will confidentially impart to one another their 
| real opinion of the entertainment. 

In this Lady of Leeds the actors stroll in and out quite 
; casually and aimlessly, except for the purpose of protracting 
the piece to a third Act. It seems as if the author were a 
bit weary of the job, and, not wishing to bother his brains 
about a trifle, had hit upon the notion of taking the old 
Bulwer-Lyttonian play of The Lady of Lyons, now almost 
unknown to modern playgoers, and using some of its mate- 
j rials in the concoction of !j kind of dramatic ragout. Why 
not have revived HENRY BYRON'S capital travestie of BULWER'S 
Lady of Ijyons with its grand coup, in the last scene, of the 
two Napoleons ? Alas ! that particular burlesque could not 
be revived with the least chance of success, any more than 
could the Napoleonic uncle and nephew, because at present 
our most versatile comedians, or rather those who could be 
most versatile comedians, have neither the experience forced 
on them, nor have they the same devotion to the deed as those 

food all-round players in the old Strand Theatre days, when 

1TNVH. ni: T,IK I.nMiON CHARIVARI. front* 8*1905. 

nitlm with I ' ihr 

ill I-' i 

'. tin- List fur 

,.; , . . . 

> rml l>url 

It i 

yearn thrn> was < 

as is Mr. Vn 

are no plmrant H 
or le IK 

nude in 

i | 


rt of the 

'inrd i> .1 1 little 

, . :.; 

t he 
ionnble Lid\ . /.>'/ .tin- II i/root, I 

rspre-u'lllllix the .Hl'li"r'- Illtell- 

nlrivcs to render 
nbbishneas tolerable to a fairly 
good-natuml audience, it is a great tnliut<> to her art 
Perhaps such an actress n the late Miss Rose U:< i I.M v might 
hare extracted some amnaemeiit for us out of hni>i .1 
Inn r\rn .oen noeasy task. Miss Foi:ux i i 

(aboura also under the disadvantage of having been called 
HI to undertake the part at the shortest possible r 

Mr. MrC'LEnrr's Venetian scenes arc most effective. Ali 
that could le done for it in the way of stage management 
liy Mr. Ih<>N l!ii ii M IT (who, as to the natural |*<ition of 
f urn lure, still mains certain eccentric theories, on which, we 
tru-t, his own domestics never act rhr:lui . 1ms been efTix-ti\el\ 
done. Hut cheer up. Messieurs Ciuuu> and ARTIII 11. like- 
wise Cap'en Honor, there is another and a I etter j-i <! where 
this bleat came from, a piix-e that will wij* 'I In- Isiily of 
lsr<ii out of the memory of man, a piece the Mat of which. 
pcradventure. nevertheless and all to the contrary notwith- 
standing, will assist in replacing in a correct artistic position 
upon our dramatic warrior's brow the well-earned, proudly 
worn laurels that in this, his latest action, have become 
somewhat rudely knocked nske'.r. Sound truni|H-ls! 
drums ! Marshal TOUT forces, and pen in hand once n 
unto the breach, brave friend, and take the town by storm ! 


A ELL-KM>WX diner-out has, we learn, collected his rcmi- 
_scenoes. and would be glad to hear from some obliging 
gentleman or gentlemen who would "earnestly request" 

in to publish them. 

Wr should add that no names would be mentioned, the 
preface merely o|-iiing as follows : - 

" Although theie *tnr gleaning* of |**t rear* are of bat ephemeral 
ale, ud thtvgh the* wmcolkMtrd with no' thought of publication, the 
iiaiiX of a friend " (or " iiunr frienuV." if more 
andjr ouoarnled to give bia icattentl reminiaoeaost , 

nirr ( ib ri 

than oae) " hw relooUa 

lo dw world." 

The fuUowing volumes in "The Biter Bit" scries are' 
DDounced as shortly to appear : 

"The Fighter Fit ; or Practical Hints on Pugilistic Train- 


H The Lighter Lit: a Treatise on the Illumination of 

i:. | HsMI 

- The Slighter Slit : or a New and Economical Method of 


"The Tighter Tit : Studies in the Comparnth.- Inebriation 


(>n niv. tl.r ^>rr\ iminl>-r> I 

l|.. am 1 i-li.i' that ingrnnmis |-rime 

\\ lien 1 Ix'gan to flaj> a 'pn-nticn- wing, 

And pnilie tin' ilx>|.^ ..f l<h\ni- ! 

Had (in<- fun-told that I ;i- il".iiiiil tn sink 
Fpmi my lu^li |H-dcstal that 1 must fall 
'I'o l- a litn-d Buffoon I n-ally think 

Thi-rv would havf IH^'II a brawl. in tlios<> ilaxs I f.-lt tin- tiered flame 

1'iiirn in my MTV o-klrs, then 1 drramt 
('nly nf lufiie-i thenii- and nohlcMt aim, 
And nniM Mi]H'rli attempt. 

I \\iiiild lie swift, \et lack no whit nf Mrongth , 

I would conjoin high Mii.Tns', nn.ral : 
TIAX^IN'- iiiflily. and I!i;o*s:\..'~ length, 
With somrthing all my own ; 

Till proud ( 'pinion haih-d me half divine. 

And d(><-ke<l me ("greatly U-amingj with the I..: 
And name and fame were synonyms in in 
Impi-ri.-halile Ia\ v 

Friend, it lias Ijeen to me a deep regret 

Thai after great expense of time and skill 
CaadoW Compels the statement that the net 
Kesultrt are -imply nil. 

I have not done the things 1 would have dune . 
Fame in her temple keej>s no honoured niche 
For me ; my plans were all upset by one 
Insuperable hitch. 

Oft in the mind some flower of epic art, 

Or lustrous Ode, would gorgeously unroll 
The perfect splendour of its e\ery part 
Into one perfect Whole. 

In the mind's eye I saw each delicate grace ; 

I knew each word, each impulse of the tin me; 
( inly they always vanished into space 
Ifefore I got up steam. 

'Tin sweet to give one's passion leave to flow. 

Sweet in one's fond imaginings to soar. 
Hut when you get no further, well, you know, 
Friend, it becomes a bore. 

And so it was with me. My noble pride 

W;i woiindwl, and my IIOJMV were put to rout; 
" What use." I *iid. "to have the ll.une inside. 
When you can't get it out '.' " 

And thus 1 fell, doomed hy the iron law- 

Thai hamjiens (ieniiis with opposing wrongs, 
To squeeze, "through scrannel j.ij es of wretched straw," 
My "lean and flashy songs." 

1 am content to s<vk no lofty flight, 

iiough that I may j.l.iy the F< ! . 
'':-: i .lie I '! . ; .| |U skyej Height. 

Or quaff the sacred f',,,,1. 

I am not je.doiis , nay, I wish them well. 

And. if they think it worth the wear and tear, 
They can attempt the heavens, or gn to Hel- 

icon. for all 1 . l>i M-|H M. 

AKV L'L', 1905.] 



By F. Psalmanazar. 

THE letters which have appeared in 

the Times on Japanese fare are doubt K s^ 

interesting and even instructive, but 

nothing has yet I u said of the infinitely 

more seductive and scientific dietary 

adopted by the natives of the Kuwen/.ori 

plateau of^Central Africa. I cannot say- 
that I am so venturesome as to try to 

preach its substitution for the roast beef 

of Old England or the nut cutlets iif 

latter-day vegetarians. Still, this article 

may serve to lay before Mr. 1'nm-li'x 

readers what our diet really is. 

The staple articles of food of the 

Ruwen//>ris (or th" liiitiluwen/.oris, as 

BOBOXHABDT calls them) are pulse, Ix'aus 

and eels, with very small and occasional 

additions of bon/oline forcemeat balls. 
The following bill of fare, which 

attempts to give the three daily meals 

for a family of moderate circumstances 

and healthy appetites, will show how 

they live. 
Breakfast (about 7 to 9'30 A.M.). 

Halma soup (with vegetables, ponchos. 

Ac.), lava jelly, biled beans, pickled 

cabbage, tea, Scotch ale, zoedone, am- 

moniated quinine (sometimes raw eggs 

with (Amdy's fluid, or boiled sweet peas 
or pangofflins, &c.). 

Lunch (about 11 to 3'30 P.M.). Eels 
boile 1 in lava jelly, vegetables stewed 
in lava jelly, pickled ponchos, biled 
beans, tea (sometimes also a little raw 
flamingo soaked in salt water, or par- 
tially cooked pancakes, &c.). 

Supper ("> to 10 P.M.).- Lava soup 
(with vegetables, fishes, biled beans, &c.), 
pickled bronchos, vaseline fritters, roast ; 
pigmy, raw eels sliced and eaten with 
halma sauce, broiled (or boiled) sweet '. 
peas, early (or late) spring onions, tea ' 
and Neapolitan ices. 

The Halma or jumping beans are 
grown all over Uganda and Waganda. 
They are the staple food of the cele- ; 
brated pigmies of the Aruwhimi, and 
so far as I know cannot be had here. 
They are eaten toiled, either young or J 
ripe, and are manufactured into the i 
articles mentioned above, of which moly, ! 

guru and shufli art: the most important .. , 

ami 1 shall try, if your valuable space ^inVTnT 
allows, to give you the shortest possible 
account of these three. 


' OH, UNCLE, I 'a so GI.AD TOG 'VF. CALLED. BABY'S so ritoss, ANT> IT ALWAYS ,V.U-?F.S niv 


is generally added. After coagu- ! sines, co-sines, or scalene triangles, and 
the diluted mash is strained to is eaten as it is, or fried next morning, 
a sauce of an almost purple tinge. ! or given to the p(x>r when other comesti- 
" Guru " is said to have been | bles are handy. The remnant (okapi), 



. on g' nal 


1. .l/i-///. Steamed Halma beans, hops, 
pepper and pulse are mashed and pre- 
served for a period not exceeding four- 
teen days, during which coagulation 

, | | ,i' . . " -*",' iim.-mi-ii in u iiiuiuti >vuu some 

place, usually producing a brown addition of hot worter (aqua fartinlma). 
pasty mess. I his mess is diluted to ' T1 1B thin ,,1, th,, u TOC ,,1ti,,n. i= *l, . 

,. , , - , ' -^ ic t-iini uiaau Liiua nmutlliu iw lllfll 

orm soup, stu-kplmst, .Team lor brown - stra ined through bombax.ine bags, and 

DOOtS. l\C. -1- 1.x r " r i- ,1 


-. (liirn Sauce. 

ingredients an* 
ilmost the same as in Moly, except that 
greater quantity of pulse "(at 80 in the 

a vitrified and voluminous mass 
called humorously hoki-poki by the 
aborigines, is compressed into small 

loud voice, "0 Guru, i pellets by the use of a hydraulic ram, 
Guru, Guru." Both in Moly and Guru and used in blowpipes to bring down 
Sauce those who have not been aceus- cassowaries and other prognathous and 

deleterious denizens of the air. 

I have provided these Uganda meals 
to some courteous English friends, who 
have declared that they have never 
tasted anything like them before, and 
am forming a syndicate, with Mr. LEVE- 
SON TILES the famous dietetic reformer as 
chairman, with a view to erecting a great 
Shufli restaurant on the vacant site south 
of Aldwych in case the " Paris in London " 
scheme is not realised. 

toned to them will detect the aroma of 
the ju-ju (magnum bonum). 

3. Shufli. Biled beans (crambe repe- 
tita) mashed in a mortar with some 

The thin mash thus resulting is then 

a slight infusion of liquorice is added, 
when it instantly begins to conjobblc, 
forming a sweetly pretty flake -white 
macaroon, which is cut into cubes, 

[FnaH'ART 22, 1905, 



.. - 

Ur* yttrdT Th "'^^ * 

Tb four hundred pupus chu* wptvar 

Who BfMHlWd . < 

oataaslf of tar ItUow pupta- The <: 

. . ' ' 

...... , . 

phoned 10 Ita chf of police, who <muV: 
oomauuxUr to trad troop* 
cbaol. Tus WM done, and UM foar hundred 
rb BMKtad ort SMI s purol ol one knd>d 
umd wUMn sadwcnt to thrir horn-." TV 

BottlAon High School 

DEM MB. Pi MU People may say 
i is a very 1 

we, all the girls at Bottleton 
High School, that is wish that we 
lived there! This is what they call a 
it when * strike it means 
-well. I'll tell yon what it means. 
IE Aoos, who is a day girl and owes 
me tenpence, brought this hit of the Time* 
to school to ire we all settled at 

once that we should strike. Just think 
leasons, a haughty message 
to Miss Srivw refusing to interview her, 
and then oh, joy! a hundred armed 
oldien sent for from the barracks most 
luckily there are barracks not a mile 
away and then us marching out most 
dignified with our noses in the air and 
Miss Brunts fainting with rage and all 
the soldiers drawn up saluting us in two 
rows with the handsome young officers 
in front and oh, this is what Miss 
Srtxw calls "slipshod" in my com- 
position exercises, but I can't bother 
about thai. Just think of that picture, 
Mr. Punch, just think of it! Isn't it 
yloriovt! And here are we starving on 
disgusting bread and water but that's 
the end part of the story again. 

The beginning was all right \Ve 
nettled to strike in the second morning 
hour, which was geography. Miss firms 
asked DOLLY Qamsox the chief rivers of 
Italy, and she answered, "Vesuvius, 
bicycles, and the pluperfect indicative." 
You should have teen Miss Si 
bee ! Then she asked KATE T< >uuux, 
who said all in one breath, because she 
had learnt it by heart " Down-will* 
tyran ny -and - respect - the - j ust-claima-of 
humanity! Miss 8. turned ghastly 
pale, but she managed to ask me the 
principal exports of Mexico. I said, 
Tery loudly. "Ah bah! "-which is the 
French for "Shut up" am! that was 

re you all quit* mad?" gasped 
Miss SIT hat " 

protest into her hand, and she read it. 

"The undersigned." it said, "solemnly 
resolve that they will do no more geo- 

hold from this day 

"* $? 
I.T bant*, w e 


ihr F.x 

,-aolve that Uu 

go on total strike, and we jollj 
mean it 1 Ami >our ; will 


-e niii\ 1 g" a1 "' f''' 1 ' 1 ' ''"' 

.ilil iiiit 

awful r;i\.-l. W,- 

(inn. and" *\\< -nt. nii'l JT..II_I_I. 

iniiTvii-xv is useless," said : 
QtBOBON. "our i 

Mi^ S u|> and wmt 

, ml i,, -. nlly . fount! tliat 

i t!,,- door U-liinl IUT. 
Some of us thought r-li' 1 hal ""' I" ''"' 
barracks h. " no soldiers came, . 

nor did tli>- dinin-r 1'fll K"- (>v< ' n when 
it WM long past dinner-time. Mr. Punefc, 
we became frightfully huiiRry. At last 

Miss &IJJK the dir one ineli 

Id UR tliat the cook, we shoultl 1..- 
pleased to hear, had gone on strike also, 
and would not yield until we did. So 
we had only bread and water all day. 
And next day alas, A/r. /'HUC/I, how| 
can I confess it? we said our geography 
lesson as usual. 

you tell me how much it costs to 
go and live in Russia? 

Yours affectionately. 


mr. r.intoiniine season is Hearing an 
.-iid. but. on the other hand. Parliament 
a to sit. 

.utries 8.VHI t" have all the 
luck. The opening of t: 

had t.- be jtostponed owing 

It i- ...iid Karl SHM Hi. by letting 
. ,liey of the Liberals !* known 
beforehand, hn- seriously impaired the 
chances of their success ill a ( I.-m-ral 


The Iiirector of the Albany I 'I 

\,-\v York, bear- the title t.f Princi- 
pal" 1'. rumoured that Sir MiMiY 

piously consider- 
ing the adoption of this impressive title, 
with a view to increasing his authority. 


WITH fixed resolve and purpose set 
He paused each car to scan hard, 
Uncertain whether he should get 
A Mora, Argyll, or HumlxTettr, 
A Lanchestcr or Panhard. 

" They all seem good as good can be," 

He said, " or even better, 

But special points in each I see : 
This one's ignition pleases me, 

And that one's carburettor. 

" The finish of this make is such 

Tliat nothing could be finer ; 
Nor can I eulogise too mueli 
This other's anti-friction clutdi 

And its astute designer. 

" This is an easy car to steer, 

And merit* close inspection ; 
And this one's differential gear 
I 'nil ul.t.-.lly comes very near 

To absolute pei 

And so with patience, faith and skill 
All equally misguided, 

He searched Olympia with a will. 

And Lite at night was searching -till 
ill was 11 : 

Mr. J. RKI-MOMI ha- r.i-eiv.-d the fol- 
lowing message from the I'nited In-h 
League of America : " Irish America 
- God-speed to Irish Party in 
smashing Tory (;..\vrnincnt. Iri-h 
America has Treaty with 

Hritain. Another KM)(I in a 
few days to aid in the work. God save 
reland." Ay. ay. 

The scheme for the erection of " i 
n London" in Aldwych has IH^II 
referred back" by the L 0. C. It is 
h.night. however, that if the pro- 
vill undertake that the buildings shall 
>e ugly enough, and the entertainment 
ufliciently dull, the proje<-t may yet 
e the requisite consent. 

Lord ROBERTS lias been praising the 
Motor Volunteer Corps. There 
doubt that, if only the car- can lx got 
to explode at the right moment, we havi 
icre a weapon of considerable value. 

Mr. M.viixow, the Russian Giant, is 
said to be in treaty for a disused light- 
louse as a ;>ir</-<i-f'-nr in this country. 

Paradoxes will never cease. Mr. lli.vii 
,..: Ymr.s, the l>utch act..,-, appeared u 
parts in one piece last week at tin 
Rpyalty Theatre. 

The honours paid by the KM-IK 
the late Professor Ai"U Mi N/I.I show 

us spirit on the part .! Ib- 
MajeHty, for it m BmembeTSfl 

that the K himself i.- al-o an artist. 

Mr. A Hi SM Sv\ v.i: I. \M..II. it is 
said, h. - 'k at , 

the cool way in which Tibet ha- 
appropriat.-d by other wi 

c. , nccions to 

FEBHUARY 22, 1905.] 



his people has now taken place. I-ast 
irMk .'!00 .lf\v.-i were Hoiked by peasants 
iit llomel with permission of the police. 

A French cruiser anil a Hrilisli cruiser 
ran aground last week. Later on, the 
French cruiser sank, hilt the British 
cruiser felt that the l''nti'i<tt' had lieeu 
carried far enough, and refloated herself. 

The sympathies of M. S \\TOS I h MOM 
during the present straggle ill the Far 
Kat are, it is said, most pronouncedly 
in fauiur of the Russians. This is not 
unnatural in one who is interested in 
solving the problem of human (light. 

In August last, according to the 


wagered a T 'nionist Member 100 that 
the present House of Commons would 
not meet again, and he has just had to 
hand over the amount. It is only fair 
to Mr. H.U.KOI it, who is nothing if not 
kind-hearted, to mention that lie was in 
entire ignorance of this bet when he 
caused Parliament to be summoned. 

The Prince and Princess of WALKS 
have just presented three Conatablea to 

Ireland, to form the nucleus of a 
Dublin National Gallery. The gift lias 
been greatly appreciated, and sanguine 
hopes ha\e been expressed by the Irish 
Party that the whole of the local Con- 
stabulary may eventually find its way 
into some such museum. 

With a view to increasing th6 number 
of churchgoers, a Sunday lias been set 
apart for the preaching of sermons 
which will be especially addressed to 
those who are not there. 



WE have it on the worst authority that 
the proprietors of the Times, one of the 
]jest of the threepenny dailies, have made 
arrangements to take over the control of 
the ( 'oliseum for one week, just to show 
what can be done by the enterprise and 
resource of an Editor-Manager. 

A programme (subject to alteration) 
has been drawn up which it is calculated 
will attract all London or as much of 
London as can be accommodated. In 
order that the greatest possible number 
of persons may enjoy this unique oppor- 
tunity, there will be eight performances 
every day, as follows : 

] A.M. First Performance. For 
Editors, leader-writers, and journalists 
who have put their papers to bed. Free 
list entirely suspended. 

6 A.M. Second Performance. For 
workmen. All seats half-price. 

'fit* \ i i 

V ' 
: ^as*&sej&i' 


entering Venice.) 

9 A.M. Third Performance. One hour | N.B. As a further means of extending 
only. For business men and stock- the seating capacities of the Coliseum a 



12 NOON. Fourth Performance, 
people who don't want any lunch. 

3 P.M. Fifth Performance. 
i bankers and Foreign Office clerks. 

6 P.M. Sixth Performance. For people 
who don't want any dinner. 

9 P.M. Seventh Performance. For 
people who haven't been able to get 
into any of the other places of amuse- 

12 MIDNIGHT. Eighth and Last Per- 
formance. For politicians, restaurateurs, 
publicans, barmen, Tube railway-men, 
and other workers who have been 
occupied all day. 

special reduction is offered to all those 
p or ; persons who do not mind other persons 
sitting on their laps, and also to those 
who do not mind sitting on other persons' 

Not quite the Same. 
SOEXE Exhibition of Works of Art. 

Dealer (to friend, indicating ittout 
person closely examining a Vandyke). Do 
you know who that is? I so often see 
him about. 

Friend. I know him. He 'a a collector. 

Dealer (much interested). Indeed ! 
What does he collect ? Pictures ? 

Friend. No. Income tax. 

{Exeunt severally. 


Jralt '( " WHAT Tin. 

Knyinr-drirrr. " 

ttr. "Is IT T1IJ 


YE 'BE OETTIS' mmrrr 


(Addrer*. -/ I; .1 /xi<ty (7o?/rr.) 

I.\l-v. I have loved you lunfj ami truly, 
Hut my love lias Innguished and ha- 
rbenrance you Lave tried unduly, 
Till at lost, 

One hart word, unmeet fur lip* of ladies, 

Plunged me in a disillusioned Hades. 

On the links the links of love were broken 
Tl. had fastened you ami me, 

That irrevocable word was spoken 

the tee , 

Henceforth woman finds in me a scoffer, 
More especially the woman !!: 

I saw you. nearly 

ii|xi| th club down, yet TOO m. . 

e ball you thought would soar off spinning; 
Sat serenely, so to put it, grinning. 

Just a fad I deemed it when you took 
Ilalf an hour to get your bearings riglH, 

ir queer contortions made you look a 

Still I thought your conduct more than faddy 
When yea burled your driver at the caddie. 

While the irate victim glared a:id l>ri- 
And 1 watehed with fascinated stare, 

(luce n^Jiili (lie driver fairly whiMled 
Throu^li the air; 

Hut misseil the ball, all'! y 

IWance. and as.xiiineil a .sitting | iture. 

Tln-n. to most iiiiset'inly fun 

1-idy. there you made im \\ I am; 

n your lips one wrathful word e\|'l"'. 
It was" -- !" 

Quickly 1 perceived that we must Sf. 

And I have forsworn your eex 1 

B 1. P 

nnantly jiatln'tie wonl yet u'tere.1 
.laim-'~ II. il itai ..... 1 ii. tl"' 

title of a paragraph on this moving tln-itie in a 

It ran as foil, 

Tliis is indeed to wave farewell with Wti amis. The 
phrase " Ave et Aque" which occurred in the Uxly of 
paragraph liad no such double entente, 1> irly due 

to a clerical error. _ 

Reuter reports:- "A certain amount of insubordination 

.tils among the crews of the Third I'acitic Squadron. 

Yesterday a sauor was shot for stabbing a Lieutenant." lint 

surely this slight irregularity was only a case of high -j int- 

Tars will be tars. 

the most ixii 
upon the deeease of St. 




1'Y.imrARY 22, 1905.] 





llniifsi' nf I'niiuitniis, T ue8(la i/, Feb. 14. 
- Have often lamented !<>ss t<> the stage 
occasioned by I'ltiNCK AinmR liaving 
given himself 141 to polities. Might 
have been managed differently ; above 
and below Gangway are do/ens of states 
men; a heaven 1" >rn artor is rare. 

To-night he gave fine taste of his 
quality. .Ministry inert Parliament in 
strange eireiimstamvs. With a majority 
of four score still marshalled at his back, 
pverylM>dy( not except ing Ministers at;rei s 
that Goveniiiieiit must go; only doubt 
is as to when and how nappy despatch 
shall be accomplished. Meanwhile here 
is ('.-!!. insisting upon knowing all about 
PltlNTK AllTlli it's relations with DON Jos 
in matter of Fiscal Reform. Are the 
twain formally engaged? Are PlllM'K 
ARTHUR'S intentions strictly honourable? 
If so, what are they ? 

DON JOSK sits coyly below Gangway. 
near him HAISHY C'lui'i.ix, beaming with 
that inexpressible, unmistakable delight 
that indicates the prospective "best 
man." On Treasury Bench PRINCE 
Airnint seems to turn cold shoulder to 
his alleged fionoi; that may, however, 
be an attitude entirely due to topo- 
graphical situation. The corner seat 
below Gangway is to rear of Treasury 
Bench, and since 1 >oy ,losi': sits there, 
PRINCK Ain'iint must needs seem to turn 
his back upon him. 

Bluff C.-B. wants an end put to un- 
certainty and conjecture. " Here in the 
face of the House of Commons," he said, 
" 1 want a plain answer to the question : 
Is Mr. CHAMBERLAIN correct in saying that 

" Wliy should I symbolise an attitude of 
mental stability by physical motion ? " 

(Lord H-gh C-c-1.) 

Ancient Veteran. " Why, bless my soul ! 
Bannennan ! Wonder what he wants ! " 


Is it? No ! Yes it is ! 

It 's poor old Campbell- 

Aged Being. " I-I-I thought I 'd just look in and tell you Can you hear me ? eh ? I-I thought 
you might like to know your Tariff Reform scheme was carried last night by a majority of two 
What? You don't remember a word about it ! Well, upon my soul ! ! " 

(" I have come to the conclusion that before the goal is reached and the Empire saved, the 
youngest man among us will be completely superannuated." Sir Henry C.-B.'s Speech.) 

in the matter of Tariff Reform the PRIME 
MINISTER is in principle agreed with 

PRINCE ARTHUR pained beyond expres- 
sion at this way of putting it. Had he 
not through the Recess repeatedly seized 
opportunity to state his position in the 
plainest language at the disposal of 
mankind ? Nay, had he not once, 
tender in his solicitude for minds lack- 
ing in acuteness, set forth his position 
with mathematical precision on half a 
sheet of note-paper? And behold, on 
this opening day of the new Session, 
C.-B., Oliver Twist of political contro- 
versy, positively asking for more ! 

Through long service to the State 
PRINCE ARTHUR has seen and suffered 
much ; had thought himself case- 
hardened. This shock too much. It 
broke down the panoply of his intellec- : 
tual pride, undermining the buttress 
of his physical strength. Ordinarily 
gay, light-hearted, master of himself 
though Ministries won't fall, he to-night 
presented himself at the footlights in a 
shattered condition that dimmed with 
tears the eyes of the youngest clerk at 
the Table. He hesitated in speech in 
novel fashion that seemed to presage 
breakdown. Nervously avoiding the onej 
matter in everyone's mind, he seized 
upon miscellaneous topics of the KING'S 

Speech animadverted upon by C.-B. 
He maundered through Manchuria ; 
tremblingly tip - toed through Tibet ; 
blubbered on the threshold of the 
Balkans ; chortled lamentation over 
attacks on Chinese Labour. 

The feeling of the House thus wrought 
upon, sympathies awakened even in 
j the savage breast below the Gangway- 
opposite, he finally approached Fiscal 
question. For full fifteen minutes he 
talked around it, cheers and counter- 
cheers punctuating his sentences. When 
he sat down bewildered House, com- 
paring notes, found he had not added 
even a hint in direction of defining his 
personal position. 

Business done. Session opened. 

Wednesday. House still in flush 
of excitement of gathering for what 
promises to be critical Session. This 
afternoon AsQUTn, representing tem- 
porarily united Opposition, delivered 
first attack. Circumstances not favour- 
able to oratorical triumph. A little after 
two o'clock when he rose. Something 
ghastly in grey light of February after- 
noon. Benches only half full. Notably 
a gap on Treasury Bench where PREMIER 
is accustomed to lounge. More desirable 
local adjuncts for a fighting speech 
are found at the old-fashioned hour of 
eleven o'clock P.M., with benches crowded 




Kodak of the Present and IV S*creUrie. 

by gentlemen who have comfortably 
dined. Then you shall hear the inspiring 
lonn of cheers and counter-cheers, mark- 
ing successive stroke and parry. To open 
debate in surroundings of this afternoon 
is a process chilling ' <! Mood. 

greater ASQCITH'S triumph. 
Almost at first shot got the range of 
Treasury Bench, whither PRISCK ARTHUR 
had DOW returned, and of the mm. T 
seat below the Gangway, where I>s 
Josi sat with the joyous feeling of lx>rn 
fighter with bock to the wall, a losing 
cause in hand, a powerful armed affiance 
rlpaing in round him. 

Aaqcrro'a speeches always models "f 
Parliamentary debate. In length they 
never exowd an liour in delivery , fre- 
quently forty mimiu-i serve for MwleM 
effort. This desirable end attain.-.! by 
simple process of repressing surplusage 
of words. Every sentence tell- . .. I. 
perfectly framed, unerring in 
aim. Time waa when student- "f Eng- 
lish language were bidden t<> spend their 
days and nights with AI-M-.V The 
Moon PD> Sun. earnest fur the success 
of new Members, and f.>r the uplifting of 
level of debate, advises them t.> upend 
theirs with Aagcrra. 

Hutintt* done. AM*: ITU. on In-half of 
fraternally united Opposition, moves 
Iliug for iiiKUiut diasolu- 

\ - . 

Thurtday niylit \ crowded House 
looked on at striking episode that ma> 
hereafter be recognised as marking new 
departure in history of politics, 
cheers, loud l>ut not so enthusiastic 
as in war time. Dos Jos* stirred the 
smouldering embers of deba' 
recognised in him arbiter of 

s.-rved hid purpose be might. I.. 
holding up bis finger to dacil 

of the gentlemen of England, force im 
mediate Ilissoluti.m. If he :r 
displeasure or discontent witli I'IIIM K 
ABTHTK'S pinmetting on outside ring of 
Protection, the Government inn- 
Discovered in benevolent mood. l>"\ 
Jos6 confessed that personally he would 
prefer early Dissolution. Hut if other 
right hon. gentlemen desired to postpone 
it he, in accordance with nature and 
haliit, was ready to defer. As for 
1'itisiT. Ait i HI H'S views on fiscal question, 

expressed whether on half h.-ct of note- 
jiap.-r or otherwise, he had nothing to 
complain of. In principle they were 
identical with his own. 

PIMM >. A unit H, lounging on Treasury 
IVnch, li>tene<! intently ; made no sign 
of assent or dissent. Obviously DON 
assertion that the PRKMIKK'S views 
\v.-re identical with his own was (|iiite ;i 
different thing from the PltEMIl.K din-lar- 
ing that I >"V .l"-i'V \ '.< ws wi-re hi-;. 

Kmin corner seat Ix-low ( iaiigway up 
^at COUMII llii;ii. Striiiing into arena, 
he with nervous hands tore up the 
l> fantasy woven l.y the ingenuity 
of UPS .losK, and the assumed necessity 
fur acc|iiie-ence on jKirt of nominal 
Leader of I'nionist Party. 

"Tile future of Conservatism lies with 
us," said Cousin !Ii<;n, proudly, de- 

In the intense excitement of the 
moment he rej>oated the phrase, now 
with a note of pathos in his voice A- 
the division presently showed, the " us" 
v in numU-ni. Hut there is only 
ai.d he i> among them. 
The remnant of the old Conservative 
-till left in the C.imiui 

'it of all that has 
they were swamp. I l.\ 
.if IK.M;. ivmi.ti.-s ii . 

.|iialms o! irning 

:. tlie |m*.sil>ility "f this ^iimt. 

' i;ure. wiili -. -ul and mind 

i nnciple-i. \M|K lips 

Blowing with real eloquence, one d.iy. 

: distant, uplifting the liair 

old i ' re-cn .iting a It 

\-yi nil's ainenilnii-nt 
,.-,! liy ('>'.' Votes in House of "i.'i'.t 

(ill-TS IN SKSSKiX. 

'I'm f a tin of toff. 

Mi-mlM-rof Parliament on the O|>ening 
.Ithongh the only one mentioned 

111 tile- paper*, was liy leans the only 

one which helped to liglilen and re- 
munerate the task of l-in^ a legi-lator. 
In addition, everv inemU eiile.l 


Messi-. '\'n\ with a mackintosh 

i the inclement and stormy 
xM-allu-r whieli the S-s>iu is certain to 

Messrs. OSPREV with a neat I.M Ui-k.-t 

\villi a pound of China tea if 

to supporters of the Tr.msvaal Ordin- 

to enalile him to endure the 

rigours of all night sittings without 

li-a\ing hi- 

Mc-~r.~. Hni'Wiv \\itli a pair of 1101 
ruliU-r -i-l.-d IK.IS. to enalile him to 
. lloii.-e without attracting the 
attention of the Whips, should the 
cl.iims of golf or some other public duty 
summon him el 

Messrs. HUM \M> HO-MII. with a 
scarf-pi u capable of being electrically 
illuminated at will in order to catch the 


Messrs. G>XFETTI AM> Ai.ii\\iiiit v with a 
microscope to assist in dix-overing points 
of agreement or disagreement as tlie 
case may I., between Mr. lUi HH It and 
Mr. CM \\niKiii \ix. 

Osc\ lAloitv I 'it VIM i: VM> Pi:i:ioltv. 
In his evi.i |>rl.-d last Friday, 

given in n- U'd/Avi- v. U'(i//,-rr, tlie 
Co-respondent, a memlM-rof the theatrical 
I profession. -.ivmg that 

" It \\as (|iiite usual for the male and 
female mcmliers of a theatrical company 
to kiss one another." U it really V How 
delightful ' in many instances, at all 
How charming to ! a member, 

M.-iningen < 'ompany. but 
of such a Ki"iiig.-n 'I'roupe! < If ' 

.; and embracing must enter into 
i lie Jin ./. ..." /,.-. when an actor has to 
make a liii-in.-s of a pleasure. Mr. 

1'n wit ioiibt if tne" practice is 

i|iiite usual." If it be. then the rule on 
not hold good that 
, -. by favour.' 1 

FKP,U,A,;V -', 1905.] 




Farmer ((a Toung faobley, u-liose horse lias just kicked one of tlte liounds). "I SHOULD GIVE THE BBUTE i GOOD HIDING FOR THAT, SIR." 
[Snolley, uliose knowledge of twunde and hunting is only at present in embryo, proceeds (as he thinks) to do it! 



[FEBBIAKY 22, 1905. 




N--MIIV; could luxe U-cn more unr\|-ected. If any felloxv 
'. and told me what 

t the gills, and hi- xvas driving a chestnut inside, and seemed to he of some regimental pattern, pel! 

h.ixc got a lut out of hand. l!ut I wa.- the latest War < Ulice improxemeiil. Noxv. except that I did 

xxe were off at a canter before I'd time to once join a Volunteer I 'orps for a short time and might 1 

ride in anyhow and hope for the best. Tin- -tuck on. if thev'd onl\ let me take' mv poodle intoiamn 

any time, and 1 xvas certainly not in the humour for il 

NOTICE. then, so I pu.-hed the tambourine axxay not over civilly, I 

dare-ax and it fell into the gutler. On this the | 
with the tamlMiurine caught me a downright nasty dip on 

> of my head. 

I was just hesitating whether to call a o n-table and give 

.i for. my i.-plx to him would haxe l-en the launder in charge, or ri.-k a roxv by knot-king him doxvn 
"Liar!" Hut he'd haxe U-en right all the same. he seemed rather l.eloxv my height- w hen I happened to 

I xx as due to lunch with M ' i'd>. and notice xx hat <( iieer gloxvs 1 'd got on instead of my ordinary 

started In walk, but w! .idly I found I xvas white buckskins. I do occasionally xvear grey reindeer 

beastly l.r :>inny, but, though I haxen't anything in hut these xvei. ly hairy. -ally urn U-a.-tly late for mo.-t tl. Img more up.-ct than exer, I put my hand to my h. 

S.of cour>c 1 had to i-all a h.m-om. It struck me. a.s 1 told and found I xvas xvearing, xery much on one side, a small 

drixe like the very deuce to the round cap fastened under the' chin l.y da-tic. 'I'his 1 t,,,k 
1 ih. that he was a trifle . ,ff :m ,l examined closely ; it had no hatter's nan 

and white almut the gills, and ' '- 

that - 

in a 

Ion. amble in anxhoxv and hop- for the bc,-t. The .-tuck on. if they'd only let me take my poodle mtoiamp 

Canter <in. . . d'op xery soon, and. at tin- top \\ith me>, I nexer was what you might call a military man, 

of St. .taim* the gallop became an unmi.-takablc and ex.-n if 1 had been 1 shouldn't parade I'all Mall in an 

bolt. I Kixv the cal.bics on the stand running to their horse.s' undress cavalry cap. It was so utterlv unlike me ! 

noaebaA, and everybody akipping out of oar road, and I sal And then i" suddenly remembered m; nt and 

.at us I knew and j for trouble. 'J'he gates of the thought of it made ine fed pricklv all 

Murlhoruugh ILm-e were open, and I rather expected to find I was lunching with MOMY 111 i M.| LI. at thc.lunior Ileaufort 
myself put down there but the cabman just managed to ( 'lub, where he had promi.-ed to put me up for election and 
slew round somehow into Tall Mall. There xvas a piano I'd actually, for some rea.-on or other which x\ ! me, 

organ just ahead with a monkey on top, and I made sure proposed to go there like this! 

we should bowl over the entire show in another second. Hut For all 1 knew, MoNTY might have asked some inlluential 
there had been some rain, and the going was greasy, w>, ju.-t fellows on the Committee to meet me and what on earth 
before we overtook it, there was a slither, a tremendous would they think of a candidate who was capable of turning 

crash, followed by fireworks and the next thing 1 upon such an occasion in dittoes of BOme beastly] llartan? 

knew I was standing looking on from a distance, feeling I should be pilled to a dead certainty! It wa.-n't fair on 
rather muzzy, but otherwise ( |iiite all right. old MONTY either, who's even more particul -sible, 

The usual crowd had sprung up, as if through star-trap- about clothes than I am. Altogether i to do 

in the road. They got the chestnut on his legs, looking us was to slip quietly back to mj .-. hile 1 could and 

if he was beginning to suspect he had made a fool of him- pretend afterxvards that the engagement had slipped mv 
bt-lf ; the driver, too, appeared to be none the xvorse, and xvas memory. 

being questioned by a constable, who did not seem to show I ,1 'have done it, too but unfortunately it xvas just too 
him all the sympathy he expected. late. I'd been moving slowly along Pall Mall all this while 

I was rather ponied, though, when I saw them lifting without noticing, and when I looked up, there was I, right 
a young fellow up and carrying him off to the nearest under the Club windows, and there was MOMY. evidently 
chemists. He was evidently the fare, and, up to then, I 'on the look-out for me ! I caught his eye. and I thought 'i 
had been under the impression that it was my accident, saw him nod cheerily in return. Alter all, if 1,,- didi 
I saw now it couldn't have been, since there I was, looking anything to object to in my get-up, why shoul 
on. But, from a glimpse I caught of him in passing, I had an as a fellow looks a gentleman and all that, he can carrv off 
idea I'd met him somewhere or other, and I wondered the rummest sort of clothes. I'd forgotten that for' the 
whether I oughtn't to go and see if there was anything I moment. 

could do for him. I knew the chemist very well, having Anyhow, I couldn't get out of it now. So I waxed to him 
oft " 1 ! 0( ?!^ i !", th , ere for a Pick-me-up, in an airy kind of manner, so much as to say : " Got here at 

Still, if I did, I should be later than ever for that appoint- i hist, my dear old chap. Awfully sorry I'm so late. Explain 
ment whatever it was, for I couldn't recollect it for the everything when I get in." Though how the deuce I was 
moment. Besides, now I came to think, I couldn't really ! going to explain, I 'd no idea. And I admit 1 rather funked 
have recognised him, lie was much too muddy; it was only ; passing the hall-porter and the page- boys not to mention 
his overcoat, which happened to be of much the same the Club waiters in their black velvet kn.v -biv, dies and silk 
pattern aa the one I had on. I glanced at my coat-sleeve stockings. 

to make sure of this and then I made a perfectly fearful However, Bu XI.KI.I. didn't answer my signal; he simply 
wasnt BO much that I wasn t wearing any stared at me as if he'd never seen me before, in all his life". 

.-,,, Cl* ! V*M y^^* ill! ( \. 1UD1 U V>1U! I l< * ', 

myself a well-turned-out man. So it was a most awful slu^k mind you-not a pot-house!) and the fellow a, tuallx di 
to find tliat liad come out- -in Pall Mall too in a lounge | up to the door on top of a piano-organ ' 
suit of red und blue plaid, with black braid round the cuffs !' For that was where I tw-though somehow I hadn't 
I couldn t think what had induced me to order such things i given it a thought Ix-fore. That explained whx I felt taller 
or, for that matter, my tailor to make them. / should than usual, and ju,t here mv conveyance gave a lurch 

, ? nd ' M l 8teillliM '>-lf. I -aught a glimp* n mv 

[ waa wondering, a tambourine wa suddenly legs of something long ami greyish and hairv, like a ladv's 
.- encourage street music at boa which has seen md it lla'shed upon me 




suddenly that, there could be only one 
explanation of my situation. . . . 

I daresay I ought to have realised it 
long before, but when a I'd low has just 
been shot out of a hansom like a clay 
pigeon out of a trap it 's generally some 
time before he's able to make out 

exactly where he is. 
Now I understood. 

That young 

fellow I had seen being carried off to 
the chemist's round the corner was 
myself after all. But he was far beyond 
tin 1 aid of any pick-me-up. 
The vital principle, or intclli- ' 
gence, or whatever you choose 
to call it, which had inhabited 
the body of REGINALD BALI.I- 
yortE, had already quitted it. 
and was now occupying this 
little beast of a monkey. 
Perhaps there was nowhe:e, 
else for it to go to just then 

and I remember noticing 
at the time that the monkey's 
mouth was ajar perhaps it j 
was even betting on the cab- 
horse. I don't know, and I 
must leave it to the scientific 
Johnnies to explain exactly 
how it happened. It had 
happened and that was 
enough for me. 

And really, you know, to 
come in at one end of Pall 
Mall in a hansom cab as a 
well-groomed young bachelor, 
and to come out at the other 
as a shockingly-dressed mon- 
key on a piano-organ, is one 
of those blows which would 
knock most men out of their 
stride, for a time at all events. 
F. A. 

is also on the whole exceedingly well 
done, some of the blocks lending it an 
extremely chic and recherche appearance. 
Specially good, I may note, are the 
half-column announcements of Professor 
CONKER'S Sermonettcn and HAMISH MON- 
TIIOSK'S Talcs of the Sea-kale Yard. 

It is reported on what seems to be 
unimpeachable authority that the Rev. 
R. J. CAMPBELL was recently photo- 
graphed by the famous firm of SNAPPER 

By Caligula Aludd. 

DURING a much-needed holi- 
day spent on the Cornish : 
Riviera, at the house of my dis- j- 
tinguished friend Mr. RPILLER- 
GOOOH, I have been reading 
with deep interest the adver- 
tisements of the principal 
London papers, and have 
come to the conclusion that the literary I 
standard of these valuable contributions ' 
is higher than at any previous time. 

The publisher's announcements in the 
Palladium, notably those emanating from 
the well-known firm of ODDER AND ODDER, 
are marvels of chaste and expressive dic- 
tion. The Speculator has its usual pro- 
portion of high-class "ads."; the Sentinel, 
that superb representative of architectonic 
Imperialism, is better and brighter than 
ever; while the report of Companies' 
meetings in the iMtter-datj Purview are 
written with entrancing n-rre and crisp- 
ness. The back page of the University 


\urse. " On, BABY, LOOK AT THE DIVER ! " 

I have not yet been able to read 
Professor HOOPER'S interesting mono- 
graph on Mr. G. K. CHESTERTON, but I 
see that Professor HADI.EY RAWMARSII 
deals rather severely with it in the 
literary supplement of BelVs Life. 
From his article I t.ike two admirably 
judicial passages. The first deals with 
Mr. CHESTERTON'S versatility : 

Whether we look at him as a ringleader of 
revolt or as literary pioneer; as a first-rate 
fighting man or a fifth-rate farceur; as a survival 
of the picaroons of the quattrocento or as a pre- 
cursor of the hairless, toothless Overmen of 
Mr. WELLS'S millennium, we are bound in 
simple justice to admit that, while there is 

much to be said on both sides, only time ran 
tell on which more will be ultimately said. 

The second deals with Mr. CHESTER- 
TON'S capacity for self-suppression : 

A phrenological chart, which forms one of 
the most interesting features in Professor 
HUOPIB'S book, clearly establishes the point 
that the bump of confidence is so abnormally 
deficient in the subject of his memoir that it 
was only by an extraordinary effort of will thai 
lie \v;is enabled to conquer this fatal deficiency 
and rise superior to the shortcomings of 

This seems to me pro- 
foundly true. I may add that 
Mr. PAH, HEYSE.MANN is add- 
ing to his Living Luminaries 
series (in which Professor 
BboHS's volume appears) 
monographs on Mr. JAMES 
and on HARRY RANDALL (by 
Mr. W. B. YEATS). 

Mr. CHAPLIN, I understand, 
is very busy with the biogra- 
which he is writing for 
Messrs. WHITELEY. It will 
form the first of a series to 
be entitled " Little Books on 
Great Men," and will include 
a study of Mr. C. Ainm it 
and one on Mr. LEO MAXSE 

I am glad to see that Messrs. 
DELVER promise a collection of 
poems by the late Professor 


the men I remember at Cad- 
wallader College in my student 
days, no one exercised a more 
striking or spiritual influence 
on liis class-mates than DIARMID 
1 MCKECHNIE. I still remember 
j the opening lines of his touch- 
ing little lyric : 

Silently, slowjy, sadly 

Falleth the autumn leaves. 

MCKECHNIE spoke nothing 
but Gaelic till he was sixteen, 
which will account for the 
faulty syntax of the second 
line. The poems will be 
prefaced 'by a sympathetic 
memoir from the pen of the 
Rev. ANGI:S GAWTHROP, who has recently 
taken to motor-cycling with the happiest 

At Di % . Appletwig's Academy. 

SCENE The Punishment Chamber on 

the Block System. 

Classical Headmas'er (on recognising 

a boy sent tip for punishment as one 

who has been before him twice within the. 

last three weeks). En iterum Crispinus ! 

Nervous Boy (thinking to appease the 

Master by his scholarship). Et tti, Brute ! 

[And the Kesult ? 



[FEBRfAKY L'L', 1905. 


; Leaf Wednesday the Education Committee at Ab*rdre decided to 
deprire all uwcbrn'uf the right . ( inflirung corporal punishment." 
Vail* CArw. 

" In the CMC of Catekfoit \. Ballon, the j,lintiff, * . ' u^hl 

in action K- vii'laut. o x-huolmaler. for damagi 

alleged (UnTrr. und the jury awanlrd the plaintiff !." The allrxrd 
Un.lrr ra* that t). wid to other chool-childrrn 

.-. a bmd U'V Vi-u i. -j-L IT play with him.' " 

Is tin- .lays h..\v long <l 
When 1 diligently -tii: 
With my ! my shining morning face, 

i!<l Imk with fear and trembling 
While tin- classes were assembling 
MT if the tawse was in it* place. 

IKS used to thunder 
If 1 rhaneed to nuike a blunder, 

lit- u.'iiM rail me M In 'in- little fuol, 
And iii -on the li-ast pretences 
lie would scare me from my senses, 

And chastise me as a warning to the school. 

All the insults and the caning 

I endured without complaining. 
For I never dreamt there could be any way 

To resist the whims and wishes 

Of the tyrannous old SWISHES, 
Or to question his indubitable sway. 

But, while thus I played the martyr 

To this stony-hearted Tartar, 
Grew a passion to be even with my race ; 

Yea, I hungered for a victim, 

And I thirsted to afflict him 
With the torments I had suffered in that place. 

With this laudable ambition 

I achieved the proud position 
Of a teacher. All ! to feel the thrill again, 

The delight that flooded o'er me 

Wfien the brats first stood before me. 
And I spotted likely subjects for the cane ! 

Hut alas ! how vain the pleasures 

That Anticipation treasures ! 
Hnw delusive are the dreams that sh? enj 

Rosy hopes that I had cherished, 

In a moment all had perished 
I am nothing but the puppet of the boys. 

If the youngsters during class-time 

Take a fancy for some pastime 
Tops or marbles it is useless to cry " Halt ! " 

How could anyone restrain them? 

If I ever try to cane them 
I am sure to get a summons for assault. 

Nay, if, goaded past endurance 

By their impudent assurance, 
I but dare to tell an urchin he is bad, 

Hi- at once seeks satisfaction. 

Injured parents bring an action. 
And a sympathetic jury backs the lad. 

Promotion in the Buaaian Services. 
Owiso to the resignation of I'ort Arthur, "an Imperial 
decree orders that, for the duration of the war, Vkdivostock 
is to be reckoned as a first instead of a second-class fortress." 
For similar reasons we understand that all second-class 
cruisers will be given brevet rank as first-class 


Sir HARRY JOHN-TON w.i- administering affairs iu 
la hi- had on his staff .Mr. .1. F. CisMSiiiuM. Project- 
ing hi" b-.'k on the Pixit.vtorate -Mr. Ct NMN'I.HAM busied 
If in the collivtiun of information connected with the 
inanifolil triU-s that jieople the country. It was intended 
that this should If iri' >nd edition of the 

chief* book. It ttirin in quantity, 

xi important in matter, that Sir HAKIIY advised his subaltern 
to make a bonk of his own. This is done under the title 
I \j<in<Ui and its /'</' II It makes a m:: 

volume, with a map and over two hundred illustrations, 
which, taken by photograph in the clear light of the African 
sun. come out splendidly on the glossy page. The narrative 
has the fragmentary character of notes, but my Baronite does 
not find it suffers thereby. They are pregnant with amazing 
matter that needs no amplification of words. Passing from 
tribe to tribe .Mr. Ci \\I\i.ll\M ol>-er\es their social habits 
relating to birth, marriage, deaih, clothing, food and work. 
Ciisttuns vary in every tribe. The Hahima, for example, 
bury their dead in a heap of cow manure; the Ha/iba pay 
their deceased chiefs the consideration of leaving their heads 
! above ground, whence they peer forth for two months, at tin- 
end of which time a new chief is elected. The .Manyema are 
more frugal in their death customs. They just eat their 
dead. But the lino is nicely drawn in the matter of con- 
tiguity. None of the immediate family may partake of the 
feast, nor may neighbours in the same village. Near rela- 
tions in a neighbouring village, informed of the melancholy 
end, call for the body of the late lamented and carry it off on 
a wooden frame. " Is it eaten raw? " .Mr. ( YSXINT.HAM asked, 
as if he were .alluding to a potato. " No. it is generally roasted." 
" Never boiled ? " he insisted. "It is sometimes boiled with 
bananas," answered the interrogated native. Uganda seems 
a nice country. But bananas don't atone for everything. 

During seven-eighths of the story, L. T. MEAI>K'S Little 
Wife Better (Joss UOTSQ) is a strong sensational novel; but 
at the last the strain is relaxed, and the finale will be pro- 
nounced decidedly disappointing. This novel is notable, how- 
ever, for the invention and delineation of a curiously composite 
character in the person of the heroine, a mere doll of a girl as 

; foolish as Dora Copper field, AS domestic as Dot /V<TI/'"://<', as 
sly as the Marchioness and as jealous as Rota Dartlr. Such 
is the strange mixture that the soft-hearted solf-sacrifieing 

. Doctor Ijorrimer prescribes for himself ami takes to wife. It 
is a pity that the author should now and again allow the cha- 
racters to drop into an old-fashioned melodramatic, form of 
speech, as for example when the utter villain of the piece is 
made to think, not to say, to himself in a style thus expressed : 
" A criminal condemned to death lies where I can put my hand 
on him ; and if John Lorrimer refuses me and ceases to do my 
bidding, that criminal swings high the hangman does his 
work." Kvidently this ought to be scowlingly spoken 
" through music ; " then he must either exit moodily, or sink 
down in an arm-chair, bury ^^^ 

his face in his bands, and, TI1E l^H l:Al.'N 
lights being quite down, at 
the prompter's signal, there 
should be a quick change to a 
well-contrasted scene repn -nit- 
ing a pretty rustic exterior all 
roses and jasmine, season win- 
terly, time ulxjut o P.M. Faute 
If mii-uf, when old Caspar's 
work is done and he wants a 

.ion for a fin 
ing. l.ittl,' U i/f lleiter may be 

MARCH 1, 1905.] 





[Mr. JAMES J. CORBETT has intimated his intention of appearing as 
Hamlet on an early date. He defines his conception of the part with 
the statement that he has always felt sure that Hamlet "was a man 
who had a good, straight punch."] 

AUTHORITIES may still contest 

The pros and cons of Hamlet's madness 
Whether grief occupied his breast, 

And nothing more than chronic sadness 
Produced those antics of the brain 

(Discords in music else euphonious) 
Which mystified the Chamberlain, 

The sage, but flatulent Polonius. 

But now there swims into the ken 

Of critics, in their narrow orbit, 
That king of talkee-fightee men 

Known to the world as JAMES J. CORBETT, 
Raising a more important point, 

Than those of scholarship abstruser 
When times were badly out of joint 

Was Hamlet an accomplished bruiser ? 

JEM finds the Dane was not a prig, 

Nor coward, who invites our stricture ; 
He made, when peeled to fighting rig, 

A pretty pugilistic picture ; 
He had a most convincing punch 

When trained, he was the best of stayers 
And showed as elegant a bunch 

Of fives, as SULLIVAN or SAVERS. 

We know he saw he tells us this 

In language unadorned but fervent-*- 

A Providence that never is 

Of falling sparrers unobservant ; 

It went against the grain to stab 
Laertes with a pointed whinger 

He would have much preferred to jab 
Upon the " mark " a well-timed stinger. 

The end he looked for (see Act V.), 

The climax that he longed for dearly, 
AY as to keep Claudius alive, 

But maul his relative severely ; 
To pick him up, and knock him down, 

Until he tendered resignation, 
And eagerly exchanged his crown 

For raw beef-steak and .embrocation. 

So all whom it revolts to see 

So many players stark and bleeding, 
When falls the curtain finally, 

Will welcome this humaner reading ; 
W T hen Mr. CORBETT takes the part, 

Horrors that now from callous eyes wring 
Moisture and melt the toughest heart 

Will change to graces of the Prize Ring. 

Russia at Sea and Russia at Home. 


At Sea. "The chief feature of the stay of the Baltic Fleet 
at Nossi Be has bean a rise of no less than 70 per cent, in 
the price of champagne in Madagascar." 

At Home. The old Sobor Parliament will probably be 
summoned early in March. 

First Reveller (on the following morning). "I say, is it true 
you were the only sober man last night ? " 
Second Reveller. " Of course not !" 
First Reveller. " Who was, then? " 












1 .*..-, 

: .. ! - 


' .trknoulr.ljmfMti t" \lr U. ..,-_, 

..* hmt* U i,l.n s - ibnr l.iu-*. uVtr auUVrt. Ilk* lb OornMtt> 
. i aCcwl and iWaiird mf. n>au< a* u> \tt Kia Ixiinti u( I 

-Itgnm of l 

tod OH tto Aurora, aad *. ' imiibvd " in *0 .|.HO 
nrm uk* ao aconui el dtt Bnuah and An> 
II u IIMaH lh*l ibrr bad DO akar* in ihr rutnj 
tummam nHM ol JM K-p -M Th c^iW Mtboralup of thai ducu 
ox ai u ttuitnrlrd lo ibc AaMnao V.ln. 

Ijft we the was*., 

H.-.dth to the DteriMs Tin- 


men shall go 
<n to the sea in shipa. 

lira!* nil. ./ prored fff< 

iur tothf irhole amaxivj Tl. 
Art preially d*e I 

er a Heaman worth his salt 
Hut rould, with a half-shut ere. 
Easily fix the damning fault 

I'lace where it ought to lie ; 
One thing only waa left in doubt 
Whether the crews were drunk, 
Or let their moderate wits run out 
Owing to abject funk. 

Kven at night the}- must hare known 
The North from the Yellow Sea, 

might hare managed to grasp their 
Venae!'* idem 

too discreet, 

i nothing of drink or scare, 
At least they could point to TOGO'S Beet 
A* being engaged eiaewhcrv. 

Well, have they wived the nautical knot 

Ami labelled the phantom bark 

i-e and whither it steered and what 

It was doing there in the dark ? 
Yea, its name is as clear as Day, 

Hut Kiusia was surely right 
In the peculiar circs., they say. 

To go for the some at sight. 

This they assert, but fail to tell 

Who is the man to blame 
If the major amount of shot and shell 

' it* so-called aim . 
Here is a mystery closely hid. 

But they find, these men in blue. 
That the thing that RozaremBBKY d, I 

Was a sailorly thing to do. 

Admiral* all. the}- hare said their say, 

And the Babel of tongues is still ; 
AdmiraLi all. they hare gone their wav. 

* i 


tearing us half the bill ; 
in they leare 

Hut they leare us also a gift that atone* 
(Hail to the humorous Three ! ) 

laughter to rack the bones 
or hone-marines to be. 
Admiral* all 

Art due to tht total*- amatiig Tlirre, 
pteially AM to Sw 

prvtW etprtl 


\\'i. .ire delighted In I>e able t" state that the 

!i (iiiverianent will shortly !* 

' set .pf nil. 
iiitifung lh>- F.nglish language, fninii 

. ih-t . 

Mr HIIMIII I the E litor 

e '/'ni/or nn-l ' 'uttrr. will -h'.rtly I*.- issued and en! 
on all classes of the . . 

It had lea hoped that mm 
scheme Would ha. : cmpuNin unnecessary. I'n 

-mall band of reactionaries ami ..l>*-urai/ 

beaded by some incompetent poda. . I ., 

manifesto of protest, and the HUM i|'|-<rt which they 

lia> left the (i.'Venimeut no other alternative. 

Full details of the ii-commendations of the t 'umiiMlttv are not 

1 .rthciiming. but it is gen. -rally underst..-! that the us.- of 

a large numl>cr .if j.pevitic<l nc.>l. .gi-ms. free sp<>lling. and 

infinitive^ are cardinal f.-atures in tin- g' 

Fnun the mass of correspondence which has n-acli.-d MS on 
the subject we have made the following seltvtion : 

Mr. Atnteo Atsnx writes from Mal\..Me Manor: " I have 
great confidence in tlie taste and sagacity of the Commit- 
Three, and their resolve to encourage 
unciiig proof of their fitness for the ta-k. The prii 
that spelling is to be modelled on the spoken word is essential 
to the success of the scheme, and will be welcome I i,-, all 
true poets with enthusiasm. Free spelling enormously widens 
the range of rhyme, and since the announcement of the 
departure I have found the divine afflatus in my own cu.- 
immensely increased in volume and velocity. This morning 
no fewer than three lyrics flew out of my Heliconian fountain 

Mr. Ciunus HAXIM writes from S .;_ "Let j 

not polU-r with pedantry. Hoof out the Ily-blown fetish of 
correct i tude. \\liat we want is not an anaemic vi-ahular> 
and a crippling syntax, but a full-blooded diction 
with splurge and vim. England will never really buck up 
until she learns \, t express herself in a crisp but lurid 1. 
in which the charming compounds of pigeon-Knglish from 
the Transvaal, t!ie vivid phrases of the Sydney larrikin, and 
the argot of Mayfair all find their proper j.i 

Mr. HAHIIV Fm:!*:n:cKsox writes : " The notion of re.,i 
ing our language appeals to me >trongly as a revoluti. 
historian. 1 trust, however, that the claims ..f Byzantinism 
will not l>e overlooked, and tiiat in the new vocabukry : 
will Ije found for some of the choicer - invented 

and patented by my friend Mr. MAI m. , lli.wnrrr." 

Mr ('. Aurora PKAHSOX writes :" Language to be ellieient 
should be at once terse and luscious. Xo long sentei 
Hut plenty of purple patches. It must reproduc.'all the beat 
qualities of brainy chat, and grip the reader with red h.-t 
similes and juicy adjectives." 

Sir HKXHY HOWORTH writ.* : " If the scheme, as I mak, 
loubt it will, enriches the vocabulary of j^lemic- it will ha\e 
my most cordial sup|.,,rt. We are sorely in need -I 
epithets to render adequate justice to the t: u fatuitv 

of the r ree-fooders." 

Mr. PacY FrrzcKHAU) writes: "Allow m.- to prefer a m.-dest | 
plea on behalf of enlarging the bound- ..f our speech. 8 
of the critics of my List work the nine hundred .,.! geventl 
bird volume which 1 have written have fallen f,,,,l 
* ol ludmg to 'a Highland chieftain or catamaran.' Tl.ev 

that the word should be 'cateran. 1 Sun-lv tin 
pedanln-ru. mad. The insertion vllal.Ie not 

the word much more euphonious, but lends it 
truly Scotch or at any rate sub-Alpine flavour." 



RUSSIAN BEAR (tentatively). " AHEM ! " 

MARCH I, Hut"'. . 



i^rs 'i-'ivfr.^i^ 


SAME HANDSOMELY TRIMMED WITH ERMINE." Extract from Society Journal. 


DEAR SIR, Permit me to say, for the 
benefit of those who are interested in 
the unaccountable luminous visitations 
in Wales, that the phenomena are by no 
means peculiar to that country, but may 
be seen, under favourable conditions, 
from any English highway. In proof 
of my assertion I submit the following 
remarkable results of my own investiga- 
tions, which were carried out not fifteen 
miles from town. 

About 10.30 on the night of the 
twenty-fourth ultimo I started out on 
f<x)t, armed with my camera, and found 
the country-side covered with mist. 
After pursuing my investigations for > 
several hours without result, I was about 
to seek my couch when there suddenly 
appeared before me a hundred yards 
ahead a lambent ball of blood-red light. 
The apparition was some fifty feet from 

the ground, and maintained an almost 
stationary position above the trees of a 
small coppice. 

Hastening to the spot I found the 
haze was too thick to allow a suc- 
cessful photograph to be taken, but 
fortunately I discovered a substantial 
pole near at hand up which I shinned 
without loss of time, until I found 
myself almost in touching distance of 
the mysterious luminary. Indeed I was 
just stretching out my hand to do so 
when it changed to a, lambent green 
colour, and I was conscious of a sharp 
concussion on the head which necessi- 
tated my descending the pole with con- 
siderable agility. 

I regret to say that on reaching the 
ground I nearly met with an accident 
in which a locomotive was involved, but 
luckily escaped with the loss of my 
umbrella and hand-camera. 

W T hen next evening I started out on 

my bicycle I was pleased to find the 
night was clear, although I hardly hoped 
to meet with success on two consecutive 
nights. However, I had not ridden 
half a mile before I became aware of two 
globes of white fire about three feet 
from the surface of the ground at no 
great distance from me. Hastily extin- 
guishing my lamp I quickened my pace, 
but far from eluding my pursuit they 
seemed to court inquiry, increasing in 
size momentarily until I was only a few 
yards distant. Suddenly I was conscious 
of a terrific impact, an unpleasant odour 
and a loud tumult of sound, and remem- 
bered nothing more for a considerable 

Although at present in the doctor's 
hands, I intend to continue my investi- 
gations next week, when I expect to bring 
them to a satisfactory conclusion. 
Yours truly, 







l.i i\ | i i\ 






something beating in my 

* tl >(T their backwudoMi tad all ilia lads get 

_ young and nobody feels older 

- and the blackbird* king; the sparrows rhirrnp 

'y ; 

Tlir crocuses are popping nut, and 

\ernal warmth. tin- angl. r is red.. 
The catching of a imaUer cold than lately he was uaed to. 

In dreams 1 see ill \\.\\ ing corn and catch the farmers grum- 

appears again and start- ii|K)n his humbling. 
-oul U-sijwt up like anything ; mile-* my sight grows 

lit in v --.\iga\ii. -hiinmer. 

Vcr. divlare yotmell aloud ; n<> longer U> a liintor ; 
And what I A f.ill < MIOW V My .1. 

Iwck in win 1 ' T\<. 


i 'ariiament hat met again it seems to !M> unending 
And Arrni i. that engaging child, ia pin Mending. 

Joe Oauocaun. the firework fiend, is .-i M like an\ 
n.U himself, a fiaoal stick. - 

, , . . . tii i .' * i * ' . i -- ii i 1 1 i<- i .u >M 1 1 in / i| t r 

Now VtrxnuM. looking black and blue and turning on 1 ,.crformed at I mea'i Th. 

In Kith piece- the fir.-t is onlv a bit of a pi. Me 
Defends himself from ASTOXT and tries to play the CJ*AR ; 
Tery merry Radical, whose nerves grow daily tenser, 

that his reputation as a dramatist is, 
fort at .ill c\eiil, firmly perched on the \\',i~ 

'". for certainly it would never have attained that 
elevated poeiti<m had it deluded either on the curtain 

:': rontli, New and Original 

, , hr ,,. Al ., s ,.; ltill , N , .,/,..,,. ,, K n ,, w 

la aoflering fnim hope deferred, and throwing atones at 

Now sixteen Undergraduates of Cam and eke of lais 
Abandon cake and cream and tart and everything that nice is. 
They spare their words and spend their winds, and though 

their seats are slidey, 
Their minds are firm ; their oars are spruce, and soon their 

pace gets tidy. 
Their luxuries might be described as something less than 


, the acting 

Ilent. ' praise cannot be given to Misa Ki'YTii 

< M.IVK in the aforesaid "curtain-raiser " for her rendering of the 
loving and plucky wife. Had Mr. Si n> Uvn well advised he 
would have kept thi- Miippct of an Act. a mere memorandum 
for a scene in a play, sife in his own de-,k until such time 
should see hi* way either to developing it ur 1( , Utting it into 
a carefully planned, interesting three act drama or 

is. for the sake of making the female character 
the attention of a good actress, lie has given her 
written in a theatrical style that might ha 
to audiences that dearly loved their Muwt.i; I.irmsl and 
admired their SiiKtni'VX EvOwIM, 

As for Mnllfi,l,;ir,- mi U'.. nii-ti. described a^ "a now and 
original comedy," it differs but little from a three art ! 

Their meal tlieir bites are strong (although their 

rery day they take' their oars and either row or paddle, J ' 8 1''? lllrnti "I-"' ''"' utter improl.ahility of a -ort 
While someonescareB them into 6tsa-cursing from the saddle, i r. .V.-vi, ( v,, ,. angpunaaufy aoftmttd by his own ol 

ness, aosoIuU-ly omitting all mention <.f the name of the vnnng 

The taniabs change their nver now. and off they go to Ely ; man whom he wishes a certain young lady to marry 'when 
And now and then they change their sides (like OHi-Brmu.. talking, impressively, <>n this very sul.jert. to t!ie girl 
** and SEELT). herself ! \;,\. more, Mr. Si TRO places a sharp-witted barrister 

as soon as \\ At nmrr. ' 

** and SEELT). 
Their Coach is moat stf\-ere with them: 


an experienced King's Counsel, in the nxim, as witness 
of this interview, and never allows this rle\er lawv.-r to 
The echoes of the sluggish Ouse they went and kept the interfere and say, "My dear M,,lU-ntr,,rf. excuse me. bn; 

trokeup. ha.* omitted to mention your client- name." The whole 

t tan* rrproehe they are -each one a modern thing is top preposterous, but, granted the absurdity of the 

MVTIM>; id^ jt m U8 t be conceded that, except in this crucial 

And. n yet baring got their blue*, the cunning beggars try instance, the dialogue i, natural, though not particularly 

.parkling. and that the characters, eeixviallv that of the rhild- 
Anl cnucs who come down to see say, "This will be a fast like and bland y,,//<-,./,-,nv, are as amusing | ;1 an 

year: "entertainment." 

Already they are better far, we're sure of it, than last year." Mr. Km. L K w,s, i,, ,his ,^ .entri. part of MnU,; t ira,- f which 

compound of M\,;ud)tr, Mr. l>irk and Hamlt >7.-im/../<-. 

vford. t.... thev \f g.,| an Kight that ' always going is admirable. The character could not have found a In-tt, r 

better. representative. His light touch and go comedy i- deliciotisly 

And though they've turned her inside out they've never yet xhilarating, and it would not surprise the audience wen- he 

upset her suddenly to burst into song. My the way he d.-s, 

Oh, much I should rejoice to watch the von far from still lips d-ice; and this the House intensely a| In the 

ie who rides and teaches them, their mentor, Mr. PHILIPS. 'I'h'i'd Act there is a ^charming set " by Mr. \Viitni Ihss 
ll them all about lite stroke, how finished, how begun 

He liken to seo a thing well done and get* the men well done 

And when they've had their fill of work, and even- one 

looks thinner, 

He lets them down and feeds them up and fills them full of 

In short, in saying " Spring ia here ! " I "m sure I shan't be 

The mint-and-Mury little Limbs are practising their skipping ; 

representing "the garden of Mr. Mnllniir.i , at Swan 

age," where the stage is carpeted with a h. 
weedy sort of grass, which, on the night whan we had the 
good fortune to be present, not having bivu kept neatly 
trimmed, impeded the progress of the actors bv almost 

\ I ~\t Jn * * 

tnpmng up Miss MAHIOX/TERHY the delightful repreWntative 
of Lady Claude Derenham) and fort-ing Mr. Km. Uwis. as 
his feet got entangled in (M weeds, to excliim in a tone of 
genuine annoyance, "I really i -his grass cur 

the play SO took the fancy of the audience M did this. 
Ucaught . ;i,,,i lit,. r: ,l|y brought down the 

For quite forty-five seconds Mr. LEWIS and Misn TI.HHV were 

M\l:.H 1, 1905.] 



condemned to silence, and, while facing one another, they hud 
to do considerable violence to I heir feelings in order to preserve 
their gravity, while boxes, stalls, ]>it, and gallery, entering 
thoroughly into the spirit of the thing, applauded enthusi- 
a.-iieally. It was the hit of the evening. Not a line of the 
author's obtained such instant recognition as this impromptu 
so naturally uttered by Mr. Lr.wis. 

The excellence of the acting may carry the piece, and indeed 
it needs carrying, as the chances of its running seem to me 
somewhat prublematical. .Mr. NollM\\ .McKlNNKI. gives a 
clever portrait of the Nir ./iw/i/i Bdltted, A'/'., M.I'., as 
imagined by Mr. SITKO. Mr. I.KSI.IK FABKU is quite the boyish 
iircriinl Sin'tilini/n. and great praise was on this particular 
night due to Miss HYU> >N FI;\NKI.YN', who at short notice took 
the very responsible part of Mm-ijiin't .Memtilent, the silly-girlie 
ward of the victimised King's Counsel. 

Mr. Srnto seems to lack that finality which is recognised as 
an infinite capacity for taking pains. He hits upon a capital 
eccentric character, quite Dickensian, and then, having 
apparently so exhausted himself with this effort as to be 
quite unable to invent a good comedy plot in which this 
eccentric character shall find his proper place, he knocks 
together, " constructs " is not the word, some old farcical 
materials as the entourage for this absurd individual. Pity 
that. Mr. SUTRO should have ventured beyond the Walls of \ 
Ji'i-'iclio. Let him return to Jericho and await the arrival 
of another brilliant idea. En attendant he may study the 
art of dramatic construction. 


a golfing reader, Mr. Punch, may like to treat 
For a set of clubs, all warranted, enclosed in bag complete ? 

Not long ago I should have scorned as palpably absurd 
The thought of the catastrophe which actually occurred ; 
Not long ago the very recollection makes me weep ! 
I never thought to see my whole equipment going cheap ! 

I loved the game ; I did indeed ! I revelled in a match ; 
My handicap, I grant you, was a good bit over scratch, 
Yet now and then my Haskell, hit superlatively clean, 
Would fairly fizzle from the tee and land upon the green. 

One day a black, a dreadful day be calm, breaking 

heart ! 

I chanced to read an article about the golfing art, 
With views by a photographer yes, BELDAM was his name ; 
I'd like a transposition in the spelling of the same. 

The pictures, as I gathered, were intended to display 
The perils that beset the mere beginner on his way ; 
Upon a sort of chess-board stood a golfer, who combined 
Each error, great and little, that can overtake mankind. 

And, as I gazed, quite suddenly I recognised the fact, 
Each picture was a portrait, unmistakably exact ! 
3ere were the modes depicted of how not to hit the ball, 
3ere were the golfer's vices and I 'd simply got them all ! 

Thereafter 1 was haunted, as I drove from every tee, 
3y visions of the awful sins exemplified by me ; 
kly stance was wrong, my swing was wrong, my grip was 
wrong also, 

And never, never after could I make my Haskell go ! 

tried to change my habits, and I hardly need explain 
?o any golfing reader that the effort was in vain ; 
leverting to my former ways, the consciousness of vice 
Hade every shot a foozle, or a melancholy slice ! 

So that's the reason, Mr. Punch, I sob aloud and weep, 
And that is why 1 '11 sell my clubs, ridiculously cheap ! 


Inquisitive Boy. " CAUGHT ANYTHING, MISTER ? " 

Angler. "No." 

Inquisitive Boy. " Do YER EXPECT TO ? " 

Angler. "CAN'T SAY." (Pause.) 

Inquisitive Boy. " WHAT ABE YER FISHIXO FOR ? " 

Angler (becoming annoyed and trying to be sarcastic). " FCK ! " 


[On tlie authority of tlie Atlienceum Clnb.~] 

(1) The table shall be firmly clamped to the ground, and 
the cards shall be of metal not less than J inch thick, with 
rounded corners. 

(2) Any player who speaks in such an audible voice that 
the position of the roof is altered shall be forced to make 
the damage good. 

(3) No player shall use a megaphone or speaking-trumpet 
of any kind. 

(4) Muffin-bells may only be employed by players who 
have formed a " corner," and desire to communicate this fact 
to other players. 

(5) If a player has called " corner," and is found to have 
only eight similar cards in his hand, the game shall be con- 

inued without him. His remains may be removed at leisure. 

(6) "Progressive Pit" with more than four tables shall 
only be played in a house which is at least five miles in any 
direction from other inhabited buildings. 

(7) No person who is not a player shall approach while a 
game is in progress, except in the case when a player faints 

;cross the table and so obstructs the play. 

IMNC1I. nl; THK l.nNiH.N < II MM \ A IM 

[MARCH ], 1905. 


llttm) * po* -U OH "Th, 



l< 111 II 


o innny since ' <*. > \\ 



i '. 

.. .."!! i ' ; 
and were t.ik. :i in tin- net* at t! 

It i- are now wiser, 

lliat wh 

is dentil t themselves. Hut the fact 
remains that fi .11 ami appre- 

ciate music. On a dark evening it is 
known to every ii>ii.-lalilc in the 
vicinity that tlie fish leav. mine 

in great numbers and conic i! .ppm^ 
across the grass towards the AlU-rt 
Hull in t>r -t>n to tin- TORRKY- 

ALEXAXDCK chuir. There are also in- 

of ThamcH fi-h climbing the 
Terrace <>f the House i>f Commons to 
listen to the harmony of an Irish night 
debate. Hut there is no record of their 
having taken to de bate themselves 

thus differing from the unhappv 
I!. i . 


Hnl fish not only can hear music 
intelligently ; they also make it. Deep- 
sea concert* are very common, and 
- bring back wonderful tales of 
their top notes. Indeed the derivation 
of the won! </ir>i is perhaps to be found 
here by the sufficiently learned. \Vp 
ma/ add that Professor Ik<>u i< M i.-. 
when working at tli- \i|narinm. 

once |>n>Yid'-d himself with n diving 
costume, the helmet of which was filled 
with special sound-receivers, and found 
that, standing at the bottom ,,f the 
Mediterranean in that lovely hay that 
mirror* fiery Vesuvius and tlie low white 
Id with a little 
nly - 
of fish I iy their VHICCH, lint 
thoroughly enjoy the art. 
gramme* of i instrumental 

which were kindly |-erformed f..r 
his beaefit by subaqueous ininstrrls. 

Hut while certain inimical qualities 
are common to all members of the finny 
tribe-- *.g. brilliancy in their * 
there is a marked divergence in the 

i"ncy and I antes of the r 
specie*. The voice of the turtle lias for 
three thousand rears at least excitfi the 
admiration of all hearers by its soft and 

-lion.,' tone- intonation 


tin -nth it haw Ut-n 
noticed that floundars arc oocesioMUj) 

.ij't lo gel nilher flat Ita-s, as their 

> r l;o 1. \\MSII i: in 
one of I 

i.diM iii~- 

by large eels for congergationa] singing. 

ilher inly timbre, w Inch has iinliiMti 

:he (Iracunculut 
deli-tin-, t.ui- its name In 1 ' 
he famous doulile hass ]>layer. and 
the dislingni-he<l 
\\---tiniiister AliU-y. I 
1 that the (Minniand of the 
pedals enjoyi-l l>y a well -trained cx-topus 
i-a.-ily siir|>ass.-s that |x>sae88ed by any 
human jn-rfnnner. Mumn- I'tsv, 
;t a line IM!' nuer on the concer- 
tina. wa> of oj.inioii that when the rinird 
.ikes a Ix-e line fur home, U-aring 
a jiluiuji I-IK| In her young une-. >he 
hums as she gi-s. ( >n lliis ]ioint, how- 
ever, there is a conflict of evidence. 
Professor I!on.irM:i:'s oli^-rvalions of 
the seels which haunt the Xea|>olitan 
49 leading him to a sonn-uhat 
different ^inclusion. They are however 
quite unanimous in holding that no 
how highly developed a fish's taste 
in ciinii-rteil vucju music may be you will 
liml it :i|ppreciates a " i-ateh." 

'he cup and the lap." or. " 1 
my mid little /<i;i>' 

niiided RirU-r. on ga-h 
ing tin- chin of 1'asoive |{. - 

From ( i ;,- Partner to K-lni- 

>n tf.irini: hi-r lull di. 

.' / 


Ither spe< -illlens ( .f chei-n a| 

coii-lrueted on -imilar 

(or undefeated offenders at gulf. 

' . diniiei and nu.lliers' 

fur whom the .j.i.-nlation 

" S>n all i. 


Tire Daily C7ironteZ of February -.'. 
and the Globe have decided that 
"Sorry" is the ideal form of apology. 
Wr venture to think that it does not meet 
all possible cases ; and the temporarily 
contrite, therefore, are recommended to 
refer to the subjoined list. 

From Admiral of Fishing Fleet to 
panic->trickcn Kussian ('ommaiiii 

attacked and sank l>y the latter: 
" We are simply overwhelmed at the 
idea of causing you groundless alarm. 
I'ray let us defray all damages you may 
have inllii 

From Nationalist M.P., on calling 
Caliinet Minister a liar:- Mr S|,caker, 
Sir, I regi, that what I implied 

in connection with the Kight Honour 
able Gentleman was the reverse of the 

.1 [ndiscrimio < 'omer. on 

disturbing the extremitiee of a l>u.s-lad 
;!-: "It',,! 

!i Fiekle Swain (.. I.idv 
whom he has jilted: "I'ray don'l 
mentii.n it 

' Gentleman, mi pit 

r front 


Hi '.II Ct, n, ).y liis h|..ry "f til-- 
shape tin- male fiffiirr into a nuperelegant 
ii'iinity," lia- . t,i our " 

!"<-aus they are polite and 
pleasing, anil not becaiue they ar.- ai-mrate."] 

TIMK a^ we Hrif..ns all tlispl 

A frank and lirnlal candour ; 
\\"e n-r'l to r.dl a sj.ade a spade. 

Hut now we're growing lilander. 
If Truth lie nude, we think it ruch**' 

To turn our glances on her : 
We dare not look till we can hook 

Some decent clothes ii|m her. 

When nightly, as we >it at meat 
Around the groaning lalile, 

irink and over 
A- 1 are aide, 

i.ot from greed we love to feed. 
And swinisli inclination 
Alackaday ! we are a pi 
To "social obligation." 

\\ lien ladies seek masseuses' skill 

To nib away Time's traces, 
And sleep (as I am told they will 

With masks upon their faces; 
When they repose with peg on nose 

To mould it into lieauty 
Good friend, refrain ! Ilnn't cull them 
vain ' 

They are the "slaves of duty 

When City men conspire with Kails 

To tempt untutored IM. 
Py of valleys filled with pearls 

And diamonds and nil 
When they ill\ite the widow's mite 

To set their venture^ floating 
It 's swindling ? No! by no means so ! 
It's "company promoting." 

When pulilic gentlemen address 

Small che<iui-^ to iiistituti, 
And little pars to half the I'M 

'it their CKiitriliiili 
.,int they 're glad to ^,-1 : ,n "ad." 
And ea^y (Hipnlarity '' 
That's not their game! They h.r 


: eharitx." 

MARCH 1, 1905.] 




(iitiPENBF.KO declares that 
KruopATKiN robbed him of a victory. 
Never mind : the Japanese have been 
playing Kntol'ATKlN the same scurvy 

But, speaking seriously, it seems liard 
that the one success which the Russians 
would have won (provided, of course, 
that they had not been defeated) should 
have miscarried owing to a misunder- 

The Express raises a scare of " Useless 
bulkheads on British vessels." We 
would rather have these than the useless 
blockheads from which a certain foreign 
Navy suffers. 

A naval volunteer corps is to be 
started in Cape Colony, and the 
Admiralty has been asked for the use 
of an obsolete war ship. We understand 
that an appeal to the War Office for 
some obsolete guns was met with the 
reply that they w r ere all still in use. 

Count STERXBERG, who served against 
ns in the Boer War, has been fighting 
his battles over again. Last week, in 
Vienna, he struck an elderly journalist on 
the back of the head, and then ran away. 

We understand that the King of SPAIN 
has not yet arrived at a decision in the 
choice of a bride, and will still be happy 
to receive suggestions from our half- 
penny papers. 

It is rumoured that the recent case 
against the "Emperor of the SAHARA" 
was assigned to Mr. Justice DARLING, at 
his Lordship's special request, " as it 
gave him such a chance." 

It is also stated that in future, in 
dealing with minor offences, Mr. 
PLOWDEV will give his prisoners the 
option of "Forty shillings or a joke." 

Mr. JAMES BERRY, the ex-hangman, in 
speaking of his old occupation, declared, 
" It injures you : it breaks you. Indeed it 
seems to do for a man altogether." People 
on whom he has operated would, we 
are sure, corroborate this view. 

A young girl, while leaning out of a 
window, last week, in the Avenue de la 
Republique, Paris, fell through the 
awning of the cafe below on to the 
heads of the startled customers. "She 
escaped," the report says, "with a few 
scratches." Some people would have 
done more than this to the intruder. 

Two silver tea-pots were found, the 
other day, in the nosebag of a donkey 


Absent-minded Beggar (usually blind, at present working the " unemployed " busineex). 


belonging to a Newington coster. The 
coster, however, was sent to prison for 
stealing them. The attempt to foist 
the guilt on the quadruped was as 
cowardly as it was impotent. 

The War Office authorities consider 
that too much fuss is being made about 
what is, after all, a very little rifle. 

" Dear little rifles for dear little re- 
cruits " are what they claim, with some 
justice, to be supplying. 

It is a pleasure at last to find Sir 
with another Liberal Leader, anyhow 
as to one point. Lord SPENCER, in reply 

to the expression of a hope that he 
might be the next Premier, has stated, 
" I cannot believe I shall be called to 
such a high post." 

To the great annoyance of the officers 
and men of the Third Baltic Squadron, 
news of the decision of the Paris Tribunal 
only reached them after they had passed 
the Dogger Bank, when it was too late 
for them to have a few shots at our 
fishing fleet. 

Continuing its scheme for having our 
national games reported by those who 
take part in them, the Daily Mall's 
Parliamentary article is now written by 
an M.P. 

PI-NTH, OR mi: LONDON < u\i:i\ MM. 

[MARCH 1, 1905. 


- COSH. i.. ii ' How i is I mint THE HAKIM* ](..!'-" 

' Ixt'f SEE. SBCOSD T.I iionr, THUD -toa 't A OOOD 



\\.\KK IT, KMM.AN'H! 

[" Britifth ldjr motor-driver*." MJTH Motoring lllurimlf,!. " must 

in\KT. ,.f lt.-.t..n. I - 

. hu her - .'. white pig sitting up beside her in the 

trol of her motor 

\\Y are losing our great reputation, 
Our \vt>:. ! up-to-date ; 

uger, in. : MI| imtiim 

'eaten ii- Imilly of 

I- tlnTi- iiiiwlii-o> smile fnir Kngltsliwoman 
Wtm'il think it nut t<> in/r<i dig. 

it ua human) 
A \vhiu- pig? 

\\ill eon\ inre y.iii there inu-t be Rome dozen* 

If .iinuial pels that Would do. 
With a " griz/ly " pen-luil up in your motor', 
.lust think how the jioiph' would si., 
ig. " I* that a man in a coat or 
* grey tame h bear ? " 

Think how rliir it would look in the paper 

"Mre. So-AxixSo drove with her Tapir. 

And daughter (the Tapir's) to-day. 
lira. Tmsut mnr too and her aiator 

Drove out for an hour and a half, 
And bwiide them (tke image of V 

A dear wee- pink pet -calf !' 

.\\VI-ri. nlTI.ooK F"|; TIIF. S.MAUT SKT. 

["A weary lot i* in .lor.' IT f.'iniimir h'utxl '?.>. f. >r t 
{one forth tfmt hi| .ilHili!ml." 7 / 

I>n;rrr VM> POI.I.KX, of Cork Stir -t. lire ti..-.v r.ho\ving two ixely sweet lilies and kid lllir 

t.i niift the present rr.i/.e for :uiipil1;iting th. 
Tlif 11 'i'!/-< ioii'ni'il ll'(>//ni. 

The Ciiunte-s ol '.\a^ aino: of the 

rxclusive w-t vim a].peare-l at the |>lay last night wearing the 
,ir only. Thi-* attraetixe fashicm has caught on in the 
most wonderful wny. Haitnil Tumi. 

Fa-liiniiahle Burgeons will hase a hu-x tune during the 
next few that Oni leg onh i- I.. I e all 

the rage thi- I:i l'-.nd S' ' lay \\e 

v modi-h things in ivory and lion/nline hj. 
to !><it<\ 

The Youngest Living Photographic Artutt. 

Is tlie T'lll'-r of I-'eli. L'l' ;ipp. ar- a portrait of the (Van 
vitel, nnl. uiiiliTiieath, the statiMiieiit : " Thi* i?- the 

only portrait that has \et I.een taken of the infant I'rinee 
hy hiinwlf." "The (V.*K," it is adiled, " has s-anetioiu-d its 
pulilieation." I'.irenUil pri'lo conhl <1 no Ie88. 

Another Infant Prodigy. 

CAKK of d.lerly FKMAU: HABT; near sea.-- Adrl. in ' A'r.i- 
\cood Pre$." 




MARCH 1, 1905.] 





ni Common*, Monday uu/lti. 
"Curious tiling in Irish politics, not U 
far as 1 know noted, is effect it has 
upon the hair of the Chief Secret a ry 
of tin- day. I remember when FOK-H.K 

undertook the post, then- \\as something 
really truculent about, his hair. It 
operated upon unruly Iri^h Menilier- 
alinost with severity of a Coercion Act. 
After a year OI two it began U) droop, 
tliiil out, liually assuming a lost lank 
look surest ive of having been out all 
night in the rain. OKOKCK \ \\ 
went to iMiblin t 'aslle with unbrindled 
hair; he left it greyheaded. And now 
here's that young thing, (!KO|:K WYM> 
HAM, whitening wisibly. A most dis- 
tressful country, not least for those 
called upon to govern it." 

Thus the Mi:\im:ii FOR SARK, moralising 
in interval of to-night's Debate. 

REDMOND n/m : opened it with amend- 
ment to Address nominally raising 
question of Government of Ireland, 
actually designed to give his financial 
supporters in I'uited States and else- 
\\here a show Tor their money, the 
young bloods of his parly op port unity of 
airing their eloquence. What in ordinary 
circumstances would have been a hollow 
performance, wearisome by its obvious 
artificiality, led to one of stormiest scenes 
witnessed of late in House. 

REDMOND having completed delivery 
of his recital, marred by loss of some 


That IiieuiiTluinietit "Corp." " Bedad, it'll take yo all y'ur tlioime to bhury me!" 
("Cannot we bury the episode in oblivion? " Mr. Balfour'a Speech.) 


'Tliis wretched, rotten, sickening policy of 

(}[r. W-ll-in M-re o North Antrim.) 

pages of the manuscript containing 
notes of his impromptus, MOORE of North 
Antrim took the floor. Spokesman of 
Irish Unionists, he might have been 
expected to gird at his fellow-country- 
men in opposite camp, and defend the 
representative of the best of all Govern- 
ments. But you never know where you 
have an Irishman, even when he conies 
from Ulster. The loyal Orange mnn 
had little to say to his Nationalist 
brothers clamouring for Home Rule. 
He turned and rent his own familiar 
friend, his sometime captain, the Chief 
Secretary, representative of a Govern- 
ment composed of men who nineteen 
years ago fought and beat Mr. G., who 
in their absence would have given Home 
Rule to Ireland. 

House accustomed to hear plain 
language when Irish Member discourses 
on Saxon Government. For uncom- 
promising directness, for infusion in 
voice and manner of deadly implacable 
hate, South and West Ireland are not in 
it with Ulster. 

Significant episode when GEORGE 
WYNDHAJI rose to reply. His urbane 
manner, his unfailing consideration of 
other people, his keen intelligence, his 
bright speech, have combined to secure 
for him rare measure of popularity on 
both sides. His interposition in debate, 
in whatever circumstances, on whatso- 
ever subject, hitherto the signal for 
outburst of welcoming cheer. This 

afternoon he rose amid dead silence, 
broken only by his quavering voice. 

Not quite two years ago he, standing 
in same place, pledged British credit to 
the tune of 100,000,000 sterling to be 
divided between Irish landlord and 
tenant. That something like legislation. 
For a while the gay and gallant GEORGE 
enjoyed popularity in both Irish camps 
unknown to predecessors. The Land 
Purchase Bill of 1903 was avowedly based 
on that principle of conciliation which 
NORTH ANTRIM to-night denounced as 
" wretched, rotten, sickening." At least 
landlords had their share in its finan- 
cial advantages. To-day the Chief 
Secretary is detected in at least accused 
of contemplating further concession, 
this time solely in the interests of the 
National Party. 

Straightway Ulster springs at his 

It might be expected in the circum- 
stances that the National Party would 
rally to his defence. Not a bit of it. 
They bang him in front whilst their 
loyal brethren prod him on the flank, 
what time PRINCE ARTHUR, with head 
buried in his hands, listens and realises 
how much sharper than a Free-fooder's 
tooth is Ulster's ingratitude. 

Jiiminess done. Ulster in revolt 
against Unionist Government. Renewal 
of familiar talk about dying in the ditch ; 
this time, it is GEORGE WYNDHAJI who is 
to suffer the inconvenience. 

,.| \, || 



[MA*-.. 1 


"Hi* iaterrcntion in Debate, illumining the week." 
(Mr. T-mh 

Tuftday niyfc. PRINCE ARTIH it 
beginning to have settled convictions 
lhal the glow of battle, the sacrifice to 
patriotism thai compels a Minister to 
strain every nerve to keep his friends in 
and the other fellows out, may be too 
dearly bought. Conviction strengthened 
to-day. Bad enough through these 
twenty months to struggle with House 
and public from whom Providence has 
inscrutably withheld capacity for under- 
standing the plainest words, even when 
written down on half a sheet of note- 
paper. To have his Cabinet shattered, 
his party riven because, to serve his 
private ends, an esteemed colleague 
went mad on Protection question, and 
bit everybody who on this nuttier 
retained opinions convincingly 
preached by him twenty years ago, a 
little hard. 

Through that mill he went last week, 
coming out of the ordeal still jauntily 
wearing the " gentleman's anatomical 
belt" lhal Cousin lit on contumeliously 
insists is really a pair of slays. Reason- 
able to anticipate a quiet week to follow. 

On the contrary things worse than 
ever. Ulster up in arms and will not 
lay them down. Nay, NORTH ANTRIM 
threatens to " call out the Reserves on 
the third of March." At first, when 
Moose in hollow voice, wilh beetling 
brow, mentioned this date. Members 
didn't know what it might portend. 

" The Ides of March we have heard of, 
and we ' beware ' accordingly," said 
PROKK ARTHVR, who, if occasion arose, 
would go to the scaffold with a jest on 
his bps. " But what about the 3rd of 
that particular month ? " 

Soothsayer MOORE explained to CJOAR 
thai on the 3rd prox. (thus do sooth- 
sayers talk in these prosaic times) there 

is tn be a conference of l'1-ter men to 
con-ider situation with special ref> 
to iniquities of Ilia Majesty's < invern- 
inent. ( in Treasury Bench sit five I'Utcr 
Members, leavening the mass with 
rigid respectability, distrust of Papal 
aggression, loyalty to the So\, 
who wears a crown handed down l>y 
ihe substantial wraith of WIIJ.UM III. 
These are ITster men first. Ministers 
after. At the call of the masterful 
Province they will, instanter, engage a 
brass band, don the orange scarf, borrow 
ihc office poker, and inarch forth to the 
assistance of their countrymen. 
ihough in iheir stride they knock over 
the Government they have hitherto 
strengthened and eml>ellished. In my 
mind's eye. //"ratio, I see EDWARD Hi. sin 
CARSON and Ilt'.ii AI:S<>I.I> Fniismt thus 
issuing forth, the rest, with trumpets 
also and shawms, following after. 

That in the future, to be precise, on 
the 3rd prox. aforesaid. SuUicicnt for 
to-night are the evils thereof. Standing 
at the Table in effort to wind up De- 
bate on REDMOMI'S amendment, I'm i 
A it nu K finds himself the target Int- 
rude, incessant, disturbing interrup- 
tion from jubilant Opposition. In or- 
dinary circumstances this might be 
borne. It in, inter alia, the business of 
the Opposition to make things uncom- 
fortable for the Leader on the other 
side. What was lacking was the hearty 
support of his own men, inspiriting. 
commanding influence, two sessions ago 
generously forthcoming. 

tfa the I'Uter Members in revolt, 
with "the Reserves" on the Treasury 

.1 suspected of secretly shar) 
knives in the recesses of the Tea-room 
lavatory, with tin- long downtrodden 
fiercely jubilant, with majority 

. vote of confidence run down 
'he l"t of the 1'itiMK i- 
happy one. 

* >ii Home Kulcaincnd- 

to Address Mini l>y a 

major ' MemU-rs 

/'rii/eii/ n'njlit. Tiy Ih.viY gone hack 
to Kriti. lit. . . IM-III on mind- 

ing his own liu-ii..- Hi- interventioM 
111 IVlialc, illumining the week, was 
worth an man's attendance 

through the St l s.-i"ii. 

ii iw thin ln>h Ishmael, 
l-y \\i-alth. liirth, or 
i. e\p.-lled. as he s;i\ s. from hi- 
.MI party, having no following 
mands altention of most critical assembly 
in the world. When he st<-d up the 
lieiiclie- were almo-t empty ; win n he 
eoni-luded n,, i an inch of spa- 
any. a crowd in the gallery facing 
him, a thrn-i;: Steading at the liar, the 
t 'liamher resonant with <: 

This is the triumph not less of Ii 
than of genius. TIM spares no man in 
hitter denunciation of what he thinks 
is ill-doing to Ireland. He has i. 
to grind unless it ! one doigned for 
the d.i-apitation of some live or 
the compatriots amid whom he >it-. 
military hut dominant. He d< - 
pay a Saxon the compliment of 
preparing an oration in order to win its 
attention or earn its applause. N 
of stray folios of notes would emliarras.- 
him. He just talks to the straight 
forth, an unpremeditated strain. o\er the 
depths of whose pathos and passion 
flash gleams of mordant wit. 

Business done. Still harping on the 

No first-nighter. 

/'iY.-f .Vn,i i;i the Street. S-e the 
eclipse laM night? 

t<! Man in tlt<- No. 

Thought it might be crowded. 1'ut off 
going till next week. 

AT the forty-fifth ordinary general 
meeting of the Brighton (inmd I Intel 
Company, Limited, a sharehoMn 
plained that the stock of win, 
large. The Chairman agreed, and said 
the Board would do its beat to reduce 

the quantity The ntirin<i 

tort offered themselves for re-elect: 

RIBB. ' The -tarring" of 
questions already shows tha- 
needed to control this hnmch of I'.nlia 
111 fiit. u -y pn edure. Out of forty i|iic-- 
down for tomorrow forty thn 1 * 1 
starred" for oral reply. Irish 

MAI.VH 1, 




[MABCH 1. 


Cuinm II 

A- 1 'nialK I- 

.rough IK. f.iull 

ATI 1 I 

m!i. I 

r nlit. linn- i: oil ii; 

. i-.- Ill I'.ill Mi! 

nothing <>n but a plaid tunic fastened up the Kick with 

I'UttOOS, an I a (nil mind tin- 

far i l lull v 

claacy. And I hadn .',!; r I 

in it either. which was 

imiii U-ii. ,M . allcxtruva 

f. mi. 1 never have been nhle to live \vithin n 

urs got into a regular MBfttly mesa. I 
was simply up to my neck i; - all kinds 

Wi-ll. I .is i. iii of tli<-iii all now. would ilr. 
'iig mf with a 

Again, I'd every reason to suppose that tl I'.viii 

1-1 niu.-t havo pegged nut or els.- I shouldn't l>c 
where I irM. Hut 1 was alive at all . 
flnmething. I.-n't lli. p- a |-r....-il. .il...iit a livi> monkey I 

li-ail |Hiliccnmu ? Si altogether I bucked up 
; 'it have IHI-U 

I didn't attempt t<> leave tin- organ. Tn tell you the truth, 
it woiililn't have Uvn any good. a- I was attached to the 
confound.- 1 i: -ruiiii-nt by a stoutish ounl and a leather belt 
MI 1 1 id my waist. 

though, as we paused down Pull Mall, I met 
did I hail them and explain the tix 

I was in. What was tin- The right words wouldn't 
come: 1 didn't understand what 1 said myself, so how could 
I expect anyone else to? Besides, I'd a sort of feeling that 
it wouldn't lie quite Crirket. I know / shouldn't have cared 
to be appealed to as on old pal by a monkey on an organ. 

that was what I had come down to, it seemed to 
me that the manly thing to do was to grin and bear it to 
play the monkey, in short, for all it was worth. People were 
always telling me I ought to make a fresh start, and do 
something for my living. Now perhaps they would be 

There was just one thing though, that caused me a pang 
when I remembered it. This change in my iwxle of life 
would prevent me frmn dining at my Aunt SKIISV'S that 
evening. Shu didn't often a~k me, and when -he did I 
seldom went for her part:. - are. as a rule, devilish dull. 
But somehow I had IH^II r.ither looking forward to this 
particular dinner. My o.iisin PBYUJB would l>c the; 
which made all the differ . cmt la.-t 

year, and, so I understand, with considerable siuvess. I 
know I saw her described as "the lovely Mi- " in 

the Society journals, and as being present at every smart 
party of the season. i only met her very occasionally, lint 
she seemed to me no end impMved sii. ,u i." 1 h, T 

in a pigtail in fact, she \\ grown into an absolute r 
though perhaps a little l>it !,. r-. if, inclined to be 
airined, if you know what I mean. 

She hadn't taken much notice of me, to far seemed 
indeed to consider I had become rather a piffler. Hut I '.I 
been hoping that I might ait next to her, i 
her in to dinner that evening. Tl. 

there was a more serious aide to my character than I chose to 
show the world. Of course all that was out of the question 

' I might have lieen a failure as a man tint, 
hang it all ' with mv education and intelligence, any monkey 

.11 Mall 

.Mih MI) pi. n rgan might ha\e known 

-.suitable place f..r a -in el performance, Imt, as 
we were | crinitled to halt without Ix'ing m..\ 

I i\ i- .1. :. : i:::i,. ! to show the public that I was a rut 

(lie . !!. I 

uld ha\. i pitch. Imt 

>ii> tWO ruffians t""k me up a small lane rear tlieN 
(ialler ,,| I didn't 

i\ aliihtic.-. till \\e -t.ip) ed m a 
slum off \\ardour . s ' 

IIM u.i^ I., surprise the audii nee |.\ them a 

cake-walk, in which I hoped i \',,,\ 

it didn't come off. somehow. It wasn't i 

that Would have INI-II ridiculoii all so 

I fancy the cord hamper..! me. and my tail kept 

and then the t I 

l'\e imticed that a lll.>1ik'-> gi-n.-alK 

rather p.-.r luck in the music he's .-cut ,.ut with, and I'll 
defy an\ .kewalk t 

and put any kind ..f " go " int.. it. 

it up. and ju-t jumped al-out an\' 

panyin;; myself on the tambourine. Hut the Kally t.imli.iurine 
had two of the jingling tliingnnimies mi-sing and ir-'iil<ln'l 
k.^'p time. I don't Ul much more music out of it 

than an ordinary monkey would have. I really don't. 

However, my chancv came presently. < 'lie of the 
lohnnies handed me up a little .dm musket. " \Vhat-oh ' " 
I t<i m\sclf. "NOtC I'll DJH-II their .;. |-'nr of 

c .ur-e \ou can't he in a Volunteer. -Imrt 

time, without knowing more alniut the manual e\.-r. i-<- than 
your average iimnk 

1 had got rustier in the drill than I thought, and 1 - 
W88 a rotten little rille to handle when you 're -o long in the 
arms, and haven't learnt to control them complete!;.. Still. 
it was a fairly creditable performance and improved with 
practice, though quite thrown away on such audi. 

Not that I w;w a failure don't imagine that for a moment. 
I should think I took at least thirteen lialf|ence in the tir-t 
ten minutes more than I had ever earned lie fore in all my 
life! But it went rather against the grain to take the 
money especially from some poor littl. ivho ol.v iou-ly 

Ix-longed to quite the lower ord. '.mid like to have 

said, " Don't you be a young ass run away and -p.-nd vour 
halfpenny oa tweeta instead of squandering i( on ; 
bounders!" Hut wlienevcr I did rej.^'t a rop]H-r I u 
tug at the licit that nearly cut me in two. 

1 should say we gave a imifimv that afternoon ii. 

in Silio. I was getting quite knocked up, for I had 
had DO lunch. At l.-a.-t I don't call half a cracknel 1, 
and the over ripe end of a banana " lunch " myself. .M..\iv 
would have done me to rights at the Junior Hcaufort. 

rre stopped al bat outside a amal] jmblie ju-t off <)\f,,rd 

'. and my men went ins'nli- for rcfre.-liment. They n 
have thought of -ending me out a whisky and -soda In;- 
Ilifij! Si 1 n the toji of the piano in the sun>i 
keeping a wary eye on my tail, which some of the little 1,: 
of children thought it funny to pull. 

When we moved off again in the direction of the Marble 
Arch. I felt iiiorechivrfnl. Thank Heaven! we had 
into a civilisc-i - a i,, There would l>e jx-ople there 

capable of appnviating real talent when they saw it. Sup. 
only suppose 801 in- music hall manager happened to be in 
tho crowd and offered me . t? Why not? I 

ought to be able to ing clothes, order a little dinner, 

and smok tier than a bally Chimpai 

WHO fl Line the rcnl thing in any kind of ' -. . iely ! 

MARCH 1, I'.to.V 



(Jreat Scot! I might be earning my 
hundred quid a 
which I should 



before long 
have done as 

Hi i. '.IK BAI.I.IMOKI-:. And I'd always had 
a hankering after the stage, and should 
have gone on it long before, if it didn't 
cut into one's evenings so. 

1 was still indulging these golden 
dreams when J was brought up with a 
round turn. . . . There was a victoria 
standing outside a glove and fan shop 
we were coining to, and on the box I 
recognised Ti MIIKIIKII:, my aunt's coach- 
man. And in the carriage, as I saw 
when our respective vehicles were along- 
side, Nil my cousin PHYLLIS, looking 

simply ripping! I'pon my 
didn't quite know irlmt to do. 
I knew she must have, seen ' 
me. for she smiled in that 
perfectly fetching way sin- 
has. My hand flew to my hat 
instinctively, but the infernal 
elastic made it fly back and 
catch me on the ear. Then, 
recollecting myself, I gave 
what I am afraid was a rather 
sketchy rendering of the mili- 
tary salute, and at that same 
instant my aunt came out of 
the fan and glove shop, fol- 
lowed by an assistant with 
parcels. I felt most beastly 
awkward I all but lost my 
head and wished more than 
ever that the frill round my 
neck had been a trifle cleaner. 

But sometliiwj had to be 
done, and , as luck would have 
it, 1 was still carrying the 
little wooden nmsket. So, as 
my aunt was about to step 
into the carriage, I presented 

It was a jolly decent 
"present," too though I say 
it myself ! F. A. 

word, I 

after a disappointing interval of in- 
activity, he succeeded in hooking a 
gudgeon. This time he safely landed 
it and bore it back to Bolton in triumph 
as an illustration, not only of his own 
prowess, but of this freakisli law of 
repeated history which we call coinci- 
dence. The fish, carefully stuffed, is 
now an honoured ornament on the walls 
of the canteen of the load society for 
the prosecution of psychical research. 

A Cambridgeshire Vicar writes: "I 
had just come this morning to the third 
head of my discourse 
who had hitherto 
among the rafters, flew down among 
the congregation and completely dis- 

whi'ii a starling, 
remained perdu 


Sergeant (Irish Guards). "SuBE AS' rou, A FUTUBE FIELD MARSHAL, 


Drummer Boy (smart little Cockney, emphatically). " JIosoDY COULDN'T 

[Tlic following interesting experiences of 
students of coincidence are placed by Mr. Punch 
at tin- disposal of Professor LIMEIIOCSE of the 
Petersen University, Wisconsin, who is stated 
a work on this fascinating 

to be preparing 


A CHEMIST'S assistant at Bolton records 
a very curious experience. He was | 
fishing in a neighbouring stream during 
a summer holiday in 18 ( J3. After some 
hours of failure he chanced to hook a 
gudgeon. After playing the fish for some 
time until it was thoroughly exhausted, 
he made an effort to pull it from the 
water, but on his inadvertently jerking 
the line the fish escaped. In 1904 the 
angler was again at this spot, on the 
very same day of the year not the 
same date precisely, but the same day, 
the first Monday in August and again, 

organised attention for some minutes 
until the verger succeeded in catching 
it in one of the offertory bags. The 
curious thing is that at the precise 
moment when the interruption occurred 
I was likening the life of man to the 
flight of an eagle." 

A Lady who prefers to remain name- 
less writes from Ladbroke Grove : "A 
really extraordinary coincidence occurred 
last week. I was dining with a party 
of friends at a Ixmdon restaurant when 
we were asked by the manager to give 
him the initials of our Christian names 
in order that the chef might mould 
an ice into the form of the letters. We 
did so, and will you believe it? all 
the guests had names beginning with A 
except three." 

A Kensington Matron writes : " Some 

six weeks ago, as I was walking along 
Kensington High Street on my way to 
the White Sale at Messrs. TORRY AND 
DKMS, the pavement being very crowded, 
a perambulator which was being wheeled 
by a nursemaid ran over my right foot, 
causing mo serious pain, as I had on a 
new pair of boots. Controlling my 
temper as well as I could, I said, ' My 
good girl, do look where you aro coming 
to ! ' About a fortnight, or it might 
have been three weeks later, I was shop- 
ping in High Street, not more than a 
hundred yards from where my accident 
occurred, when, as I was coming out of a 
chemist's with a small bottle of ammoni- 
ated quinine in my hand, I saw a bicyclist, 
riding close to the kerb, run 
into an elderly gentleman who 
was about to cross the street. 
You can imagine 'my surprise 
when the gentleman, who was 
seriously shaken, contented 
himself by saying, ' My good 
Sir, do look where you are 
coming to ! " 

A retired civil servant 
writes from Gipsy Hill : " As 
was leaving the Crystal 
Palace after an afternoon per- 
formance of the pantomime to 
which I had taken my two 
youngest children, I was 
accosted by a respectable 
young man, evidently in the 
direst destitution, who begged 
me to help him to pay his 
railway fare to Southampton, 
where he had been promised 
work in a bakery by his step- 
father. He produced a batch 
of testimonials which spoke 
in the highest terms of his 
honesty and sobriety, so 1 
handed him half a sovereign, 
which he promised to repay 
on his arrival. A month later 
I went to a matinee at the 
Crystal Palace, and as I came 
out, precisely at the same spot 
the same man greeted me with precisely 
the same story. In short the coincidence 
would have been absolutely complete 
only that on the second occasion my 
children were not with me, and that 
when I said to him, ' You told me that 
story a month ago and I gave you half 
a sovereign,' he simply bolted off, and I 
have never seen him since. I forgot to 
mention that the name of his stepfather 
at Southampton was HENDERSON, which 
was my wife's mother's maiden name, 
which made the coincidence even more 

posed that the occupant of this chair 
shall be always respectfully entitled Pere 
La Chaise. 



nan* of plot y .sufficiently aroused 

...u-l t.. t: 


(ran the very i 

i,e are few men in 

.. . .. 

liar to the world, be 

v, . . 
India. Ambass 

Heair, JHM ha 

,.- , - , ."-..I ;"; ';: 

^1 .,,1 the illustrations by Miss 

I, are admir.d.le. Whilst the work is excellent 

' f '-'V"* ''"' '' 

l,v th.- ha. nl and Lading him with sympathetic guidance 
thp .ugh tin- i " the city that loomed 

^Jnbed! the^-.lhiiiii" l ." >l " r> ' 

idled l,y ,,f . ;i1 """ '" X1MI Nl 

oanip was the u.ll M aworkof literature be found inter. those 

,,ath ..f honour !, l,ke my liaromt. : Kurt her re. 

il,at,'th..ugli runni. of legible ty] 
. k is print.-d on a special pap.-r that Milts it for the ] 
Ambassador at 

it treadii 

: l.y the 


of oral' 

11U , p. gnat pleasure m recommending to aD and 

Muidrv // r,i.-;/u;.... '' l '- >; '- ! - p*" 

KABBOW8JI1III There is in tin- Mory an originality of idea and 

eehness of treatment that will ri\,t the attention of tha 
m,*t jaded novel reader. It w.-uld l.e perfect W.T.- : 
akiwiiig periods habitually reacned tne neigm 01 ora,o.> toopen The characters aw 

. . : t theold gard* : r Sammy, and 


whilst uncmuimitiiiiiingly performmg it. acottTOd its < i 
in. manner tnat ende^txl hi... even to .1^ wors.,,1 

He waa. 


11. -art and soul was thr Lit.- Mr. KliKfl Kir KilloN in 

ng and absolutely exhaustive^ work OH Tkf 
i, t'oiuili-if A. & " 

our great novelist \\.is 
n iiunnK *uo ^"""" .-IM ..--- 

sorxlid .tragedy,^ one of the mo* 'jl^^j^i, ^ SSrtnniS that he e-nld have been the* ipan 

i i -v,,..i.i luivt 1 IM^MI t<i linn us BOBWKIJ. w;i^ t" 




Qnnfitian administration, an aei-ount of_ a 
principal character," 

.l,ni\s.'S. On the 
the work 

hand the world has the In-nelit of 


i,*^^,, vfn.*** -- , 

atory runs fonn a masterpiece of Wu^>t>->^- 
writer never ..l.tnid.-s his own personality, demoting sound 
judgment and c..nsummate skill to moulding in just pn-i".r- 
tion the figure and lineaments of his sul>j<vt. 

The /.'<-< 1-y OBIB AOKL-B (WARD, LOCK 4 Co. 
Dowerfully-writu-n i...x,-l of a Z. 1 laes, 1 ,. l - tyi-.- though 
Juite fre* fn-m anything that .-.mid ^"Jj'jJ^SJ 

in this instanc* in a mini i>f money that has no 
are in the imagination >{ Home <-f the more 
artfully scheming, and sordid peasantry of a \\.-st 
Uwntry Tillage. The reader an he be a thon,uh l,m- 
doner will bare to face the difficulties presented by the 
try dialect in which all the conversation is 
w ritu-n. "'. "" l "' :i 

i>erner, baa mastered the crackjnw compb'- 
cations in dialogue of .1 Window in Thrum*. 

. : . ' ' '-' ' ' ' ' -' ' ' : - 

whatever of Ihe jargon of the plantation negro, 
has laboriously familiarised himself with the 
aneer sentences and odd expressions used by 

nt u. the bold lector, I say, whose p.. 

has triumphed orer the foregoing difficulties, will tend the 
Donet diakot a mere little holiday task 

are admirably drawn, and though the story .is so 
simple that it can scar- "unified by the 

lil i "'Hi \n v ii. ** . 

one respect, like Mr. /><'./.-, he is always setting us ri^ht 
and demolishing legends which have grown up a! 
Dickensian elmnictere and localities. He collects evidi 
from all sources, weighs it carefully, and pronounces upon 

M i i...- .....,. ~ ........ i.. ,t . .11 . ..-t I \ i ii^ttilll'.A^ (if ttllt) 


.V /,/./!/. 
of these 

in his preface to .\ ii-hnl<in \ ickltby, yet it was for a 
loiiH time a very general impression that their prototype- .re 
the heads of a great commercial house in London, wherea 
it now appears, they wen 1 , nut of all (|iiestion. WII.IIAM and 
1'AMI.I. (!K\sr, MeR-liantsof lJ;mis'"-"'-" >''^i.-r with 
whom the novelist declared he 
had "ne\er exchanged ai 
inunietition in his lile." Then 
again but hold, enough! for 
if the llaroii allows him-elf I > 
U- lured into talking of 1'ick 
ian matters, the premises of las 
Booking-Office would have i 
considerably enlarged. Si once 
more he stmngly nvoi.. 
to all his readers the immediate 

.M..II of KM; 
ami, alas! : iilille<l 


Manchester, wHI 

8, 1905 



- A .T. SMITH -> 

.I//-. Booty Snobbarte (holding forth). "Bv JOVE, I'M AWFCLLY KEEN ON IIINTIN'. AIN'T YOU, WHAT?" 



["Africa, it would seem, is becoming quite 

a l:iu>nnti> resort for Society's bridal couples." 
Kj-l>;ii-l frinii i':'ii,ii'l ./ <( recent fashionable 

HI>M:\\|OON dossil'. 

(From uui- x/ifciuj correspondent* all un-r 

Ilif irorld.) 

Mii. and Mrs. I'Yu AI.OYI:, who, it will 
be remembered, are honeymooning in 
Dahomey, have lvn mixing with quite 

tin- gayest set in that country. Oil the 
-'."nil. writes our correspondent, they 
atii'iidrd a state banquet at Abomry, 
.sine,' when they liiive been lost sight of 
l IK nigh reports from the natives sug- 
'st that they have penetrated into the 

and\ S\\i>s have just con- 
a delightful six weeks in the 
Sahara. They are now pushing homeu iih 
ill speed in order to take the waters. j 

The Rev. SILAS and Mrs. LOVIBOND, 

who are spending their honeymoon in 
the level country round Timbuctoo, are, 
we understand, living very quietly, and 
mixing as little as possible with the 
indigenous cassowaries. 

Much sympathy is felt with Mrs. 
( 'KOCKKR, who arrived in London yester- 
day with a sun-umbrella and a mosquito- 
net as sole mementos of her husband. 

The late Captain's unfortunate en- 
counter with an alligator while the 
former was on his honeymoon up the 
Niger in a' collapsible boat will be fresh 
in the minds of our readers. 

TiiE gulls have left St. James's Park 

To mate by fashionable seas ; 
With joyful quack the ducks remark, 

" How good to see the last of these ! 

Now may w<> swim where'er we please, 
Nor shall these pauper aliens clear 

Our loavesand iishes whilst we freeze 
Winter has^ilownjind Spring is here." 

Now hats that served when days were 

Are flung aside by dainty Shes 
As quaint survivals of the Ark, 

And off they hasten to LonsK. 

"Pneumonia "blouses court t lie breeze, 
And doctors, seeing Fortune near, 

Already count their swelling fees- 
Winter has flown and Spring is here. 

Now swells the tide of traffic. Hark ! 

The roar grows loud by swift degrees ! 
Long " blocks " detain the fuming clerk, 

And dowagers use big, big Ds. ; 

Now navvies at their idle ease 
Zareeb themselves with cans of beer 

Among the motors and the gees 
Winter has flown and Spring is here. 


When trenches, deeper than your knees, 

In Piccadilly first appear, 
Then know, though budless still the 

Winter has flown and Spring is here. 



|TN< H "K THK 1.<>M'"N < 'HARIVARI. 


_|_ ^ , rerent Liberal Cartoon drpiriin Mr Burofi . 

' .- ' ' 

tly drniv* it.-- brvaii. 


:rait is tills 


I'ntalijjit of journal- they r*\i\*- his 

. ; up lien. 
- lliat !.' WHS doomed ti 
Til. Ifing w! 

llnw itinld the horrid thought have well .vurred 
'Flint In- wax " lingering lik' an unloved ^ 

I.ikr thai impenetrably hardened l>ir<l 

Which would nut .lit- at C*l\li:m - n-.|ii. 

I '..I ABTHI n ever n*d tliat poignant verse? 
hid he attempt to work tin- problem out, 
Ami gravely put to his emliarr.isscd imr-c 

- .pie-noii. full of philosophic doubt? 

" How was it, if !: wish.-d to have it stuffed. 
Hie notion never entered in his head 
.ike it firmly by tin- ' enchanting tuft ' 
Ami wring its shameless neck till it was dead ''. " 

If ->. the answiT was not far to seek, 

Ami easily explained the author's plight : 

IIin parrot. nt <i /in.-/i. could boost a oeak, 
And would not hesitate It,- knew) to bite. 

\Yho\l blame the brute? Man. Uo. defends his hide, 
And. if you want your enemy's soul disperse* 1 , 

Failing his natural death or suicide. 

You must contrive > .mehow to kill him first. 

TLit '- tlie ..mission Russia makes to-day 

When she appi-.ds to lle-.iven that war may cease, 
And marvels why the laggard .laps delay 

!iop'les imlNvile- ' to sue for jieace. 

I'.i.i as for Aimu it and the Uiffled hopes 

Haunting our Tbanieski Silxir's hungry eyw 

That cur-- his ignorance of huroHCOpea 

Whereliv to tell the ...... ith of his demise 

I like his attitude. I like hi- ;iir> 
' >f ignormnoe so utter, so cuinpletc. 

The very uw that TIHIV^ A i KISS wears, 
\Vhti never knotri prttittly tchen he 't beat. 

0. S. 

\YlHT A I <>K f tl' unpar.illelel difflciillieH 

,. l.y the engineers in the construction <>f the Simplon 

Tiiiuifl. tl i .\Vir remark* that aft.-r M\ and a 

l-.rinj; from each end, "the workers on the 


\^ t in favour of. or in 

DU I'oiilin- 
.! daily. BO int|iientl:. . iiid.-.'.l. that the ordinal) I 

,ih tin-in. Mr. I'utifli i-. liii\M-M-r. alile to dial 
tin- wifk with "IK- -uch iiiiixTtant hut overlook. -d ^:ithn 

1.1 in the Kdl nx.m in Mr > 
U-aiitifnl hon.-e .it I ". and tl 

\1, i,. -i Mr HMI ('MM. and the v.-r^.-r of Strat! 
,IM TliM ..i-ii| ' liair. 

. r the I 'hairman had madi- soini-o|H-nin>{ n-lnarks !,. 
a numlit-r of letters from eminent nnalile lo 

U- pre.-i-iit.aiiiii>; them II v kl \-< II w II '1 . who fa\ ours the M- 
i i.d si-helm-. Father ( ! \IN, who is still on tl and 

Mr \\'\lKin. who Mipportr- <-\i-i\ mo\eiiient iiniiaitially. 

Mr Sii'SM 1 .11. -;iid that no one roiild U- a inon- \\li"l.- 
heart.-. I admirer of Sil \K-IM.MIK than liim.self. He liad an 
arrangement liy which Avon water was laid on at his lion-.- 
.it Kensington for use |K.I|I in his till) and in his tea. He 
ilotilited if anyone prc-eiit eoiihl s;iy as much. >'.-nx.if in <nnt 
Ing He had al-o written the poet'l l.ile. 

mtte aapUnue.) Hm when it came to a National Memorial 

lie felt it his duty I" move M-r\ -lowly. There w.-re i...t only 

i, nt then- wen-. OB, Cheert For himself he was both 

a Conner and :<. //./;/.' IH-HI-! " I'.r a -tr. iiigly- 

wordeil whip -allint; upon everyone to purchase the standard 
Life of the p.-t miK'liI meet tlie ca -ilily not. At 

present he preferred to think ahoiit it ami ^IM- n.> opinion. 

Mr. !Ul.Kl: s;iid he was not oftc-n drawn ; he lived for the 
most part a very retired life; hut the name of Siuk-n M:I 
always sent him to his cli.-^ne Umk Ther. 

no money he was not prepared to r,ive for a Shak-pi an- 
MemoriaL Cheert Ih- could m.t siiy why. Imt then- it 

It was his holiliy. One man had a yacht, another a ; 
horse: his own line was Siuk-i-i.\iiK. lie hoped that no one 
present intended to say .1 word against the I'anl. 

Mr. Clio UK. the American Aml.a.-sador. in a witty 
said that if the right place fora |.-t's mtniorial wi-re in the 
midst of his grejit.-t admirers the Sh Memorial 

should be erected not here at all hut in America, i U In 

Miss MARIK CORKI.I.I, who was nt-i-ived with Kentish lire, 
said that Stratford-on-Avon was, in her opinion, the U-t 
national memorial to SIIVKM-KMIK. Ix.mlon did not n.-i-d any- 
thing else. \\"as there not a Miak-pi arian statue in l.-i. . 
Sijnare? Ono or two di-4-r.-et and |>o\verful ailmin-rs of tin- 
IK.-I could and would <lo more to keep his name lie fore the 
public than any Memorial was likely to. As for Mr. i 
boast about his use of A\on water, that was diaihtless very 
clever; hut for her part she would not dan- to roll the Av. n 
of a drop. On the contrary, she often augmented the- 
river with her tears, lint she should discontinue the practice 
now that she knew the fluid found its way into Mr. 1 

Dr. Ft KMVAI.I. declared it as his conviction that the oi 
lion to the Memorial was based solely on parsimony. F- 
txxly must approve of it, lint a certain proportion \M i 
afraid of lieing asked for a subscription that they affected 
disapproval. The idea of erecting a building in Sil \ksl-l \l,-l '- 
honour at this date was so sound that it must he approved, 
! b\ the pitifully mean and miserly. 

Mr. (1. Id. I:\MIII.SIIA\V warmly opposed any Memorial to the 
IHK-I. Personally, he had no opinion of any dramatist whose 
work was produced .it night, as Sil \x-ri via '- undoubted!] had 
U-<-n. He himself was a daylight dramatist, and should 

and SWIM side* of tin- mountain had to meet at 
exactly the aame pot." I r diihYulti.-s 

not to be compared with those experienced in owes when- 
the engineers have bad to meet at places half a mile apart. 

was a 

remain one. Nothing wan NO vulgar a- to In- performed at 
night. Hi- id.-a of a play was one which half the and:' 

: not soe I e.-aiise of the HKiliiiif hat-, and half could not 
hear because of the altercations with the ladies who won- them. 
So far as he had Keen able to discover. SlUK-IT\l:r'- play- 






MARCH 8, 1905.] 



had been both seen awl hoard. The 
best tiling to do with Sn \KSIT.ARE was to 
forget him. 

The verger of Stratford -on -Avon 
church said that undoubtedly the county 
had got hold of a gmd tiling in WILL IAM 
SllAKsi'KAUK, and it would IM- a thousand 
pities not to behave accordingly. He 
was not much of a reader himself, but 
he flattered himself that he knew what 
was what when lie met it. When lie saw 
men like Mr. Kv> come forward with 
their cheque-books in their hands he 
was certain lie was on the right side. 
Hut lie could support nothing that 
diverted interest, in SiUKSi'KAm-: from 
Strut I'ord-on-A von ; any Memorial there 
might, be must lie erected there. He 
had heard it said that the best service 
that could be done to Sn\Ksn:\m;'s 
memory would be to put a barbed-wire 
fence round Stratford-on-Avon ; but he 
had no notion what the speaker could 
mean especially as if it was barbed no 
one could sit on it. SHAKSPEAHE could 
not be better honoured than at his 
birthplace. Some visitors were so much 
interested in his tomb that they didn't 
ask for any change out of half-a-crown. 

Mr. GOSSK said that if a good service- 
able model of what English people can 
do in the way of Memorials were needed 
there was one in Kensington Gardens, 
exactly opposite the Albert Hall. In 
the speaker's opinion SHAKSPEARE should 
have a Memorial like that. In fact the 
poet himself clamoured for one. (Pro- 
found sensation.) If they would turn 
to Richard II., Act V., Scene 1, they 
would find the reference : " My gilt be 
on my head, and there an end." It is 
true that in the Albert Memorial the 
gilt was all over ; but SHAKSPEARE had 
always known where to stop. He, the 
speaker, personally should vote for an 
Albert Memorial for the poet, with only 
the head gilt. 

Mr. W. S. GILBERT supported the 
Memorial absolutely. England was, he 
said, the very best country in which 
such tributes could be fostered. We 
had the true Memorial spirit. As an 
example of our fitness to build and 
support Memorials, the speaker pointed 
to the Imperial Institute. What could 
be more useful? he asked. Or take the 
Stratford-on-Avon trustees and the con- 
spicuous success and harmony with 
which they managed their affairs. By 
all means, let us have a Shakspeare 
Memorial: it was just what the poet 
needed. Why not at South Kensington 
or Karl's Court ? Or at Olympia, which 
is still empty ? He begged to propose 
Mr. I.MRE KIRAI.FY as designer. 

Mr. HALL CAINE said he rose with the 
utmost diffidence ; but it was one of the 
unwritten laws of his life that one man 
of letters should stand by another. 
SHAKSPEARE'S fame] was undoubtedly in 




danger of being out-lustred by more 
modern writers, and it wouldj perhaps 
be well, considering his very creditable 
record, if steps were at once taken, 
before it was too late, to fix his memory. 
He, the speaker, had given considerable 
thought to the matter, and had come to 
the conclusion that the best form of 
Memorial was a statue. But here a 
difficulty presented itself how, at this 
date, to get a . likeness of the Bard ? 
This difficulty, however, was happily 
not insuperable. He, the speaker, was 
perhaps the only man in the world who 
could help them out. He would sit to 
the sculptor himself. (Terrific applause.) 

Mr. SIDNEY LEE said he had now made 
up his mind that London certainly 
ought to have within it some continual 
visible reminder of SHAKSPEARE'S exis- 

Mr. LANG asked if Mr. LEE himself 
did not answer to that description. 

Mr. JOHN BURNS said that the best 
Memorial to SHAKSFEARE was a well- 
thumbed copy of his works. ("Shame ! ") 

With this revolutionary expression 
the Meeting dissolved ; and it is still 
undecided whether SUAKSPEARE is to 
go on as he is or to continue to serve 
as a platform for those who like to be 


TMK M)NDON H \!M\ \l!l. 

8, r. ">:'. 


n< 1 1 > 


irt . 

ito-c Uiltoom 
i - 

-. manner* hear tin- undisputed 
: : 

i.-r monk. i ami hl.i. 

' nl. I...H and Mitrari; 
i himp-inzee, 
t and II-.IVP your native 
An-! i-oiiie tn Ixndon town, when- we assure you 

nine ami Fame arc waiting tn allure vim. 
I>on tin- in-ignia of performing ] 
And wi>. the Million with assorted jape*. 

-ping with null- l>ut apprehending iniiui 
The nobler arts that dignify mankind. 

i pip*, assume a taste for hitter. 
Anil Irani to play the lianjo or the y.ither; 

r fancy wai.-ti-oats, ride a motor hike, 
Sing oui do anything you like. 

Only arrive, and lo ' to watch your feate 

.irong will crowd the cheaper sea' 
not u man in I /union but is willing, 
.;oing lunch, to come and pay his shilling. 
>r. if yiur free unfettered apehood smart 
Beneath the tawdry cloak of borrowed art, 
1'erfonn no wi nders : simply sit and grin, 
And -till the filthy dross will tumble ill! 
We will not carp if your performance tally 
With that which graced the long lamented Sally; 
We will not look upon yon a- a Imre 
Hecause your feits have all been done before 
Hy other ajn-s anterior to you, 
Sinn- on the Hall* and others at the Zoo. 
Then hie thee hither. " Harbary's nimble son." 
Not wi.stfiilly |M>ndeiit from the " proffere<l bun," 
As in the days of <'vi\n;m. nor gnnind 

.irt Italians on their daily round. 
Hut wa-ln-l with <-.ire and comlx-d with loving pride, 
And full of rich Comestibles Hi-id.- 
Tlien om>e, ye lissom Troglodytes that nive 
Hlithe but iiiitrouaered through the spicy gmxe. 
Hearing the artless native murmur "(io-h ' 
Stung by the iiiijuirt of the heavy squash. 
1 "r I'-.iving private end- to with mild 
Correct i\e hand tin- Klephant his Child ; 
And ye that still in many a thievish clan 
Adorn the sacri-l fanes of Hindustan, 
Ihisky Faitcllu-. Hanuman and 1.!.- 

,d you '11 all wax opulent as Cn-sus. 
>iir II. ill- .ire \oiirs. a monumental sum 
Shall (institute your honorarium. 
And v 1 ' shall hold our UodwUtHvd affe<-lion 

now until the General Klcction! An."i. i Monilay li-t K'ui'j llniry tl, 

became Ki>vj lirnry tie l-'ifii.'l, |H-rfoni::iuce. IIH reprewoted 
by Mr. WAUXR at the In.; tminster. 


I )\ Nilurdax. February -"'. the A. I 1 C.. that is. the 
iir I'r.imaiic ( 'lub of Cambridge University, celebrated 

It.- .llll.iliv. The -lory of its life lip to the I ri'-ent Illll-- \v,l^ 

told, within ceitain limil> imp>-'d by join nali.-lir exigi'i 
in the/' '</-'< of that date, and the -pn-i-li of tlie 

ci the banquet, was well rep. .i-ti-.| i tl 
the Mi'i-niiHj I 'ft of .Monday. Fein nary L'7. Mr. I' 

II like 1 :it the e.lllle>t |MI . llile op|mrt Unity 

.ifforde<l him. the great >ucve*s of tin 

The Chairman ind M. m>. the Kighi lion..'. \V. 

L/nTTHKB, temponiril) released from his otieioii.s ilutie-. led 
off the toa-ls and - by lieamingly giving "lit the 

iciou- me ;ige of congratulation* and gmnl \v < 
to t!-, I 1 :- - !.-!it of the A I' (' .. a- ivpre.-enting the Club. 
which was received with the iitnn-t For had 
not hi- M \u -n. when Prince of \V\n-.Ufii 1'atroti of the 
Club, ami had not hi- per.-onal a i-tanci 1 and hi- kin.ll\ 
inten-^t in its well-U-ing IMTII of the gn-atest \alne t.. the 
Club in it- earlier ila\-' Certainly; .s/i the tm-t of our 
! IVitcfaclor was nvcived with Mich extra hearty i-hi-ers 

.ably have Mirjiri-ed even the KlXi; liii 
had hi- .MajeM\. aecu-toine<| as he i- to the heartieM o\ati 
IMTII piv-enl on this memorable evening. 

That the (iue-t of the F.xening was d.i-pK loii<-liii| by the 
a(Te<-tionale nii-ption given to him. and by tin- c.irneM 
attention aci-ordeil to him by exervone iife-enl. ' 
'lire. He regret teil the enfon'ed ali.-ence of the Prime Mil. 
but was able to give an anecdote c I Mr BALIDVR when acting 
'in|iter, furnished by Mr. HAI.HM it him-ell Tin- -piH-h 
of l'rofe,>or Sir liiriiAlin .iKlili. the olde.-t memlN-i 
t his neighlHiur at table, the I 'ean of Hi HI IOKI.. 
interesting. It was admirably replied to on Ix-half . ! 
pa-t and pre-ent " by I/ird WlLLOtlflHl i:V. 

The Colonial iS-crctary. the Uight Hon. A. l.miit i 
the ] raises of the "Trea-ui. ::t," to which 

Mr. J. W.CLARK, the Librarian of the I'niver-ity. and Mr. W. 
htHNFoim of King's, separately, though bracketed together, as 
if they were to have joined in a duet, replied. Their sjietvhes. 
dealing with the most practical bn md 

future, representol financial matters as ip-iite a plea.-ant 
little holiday task. 

Then, in a neat speech, the present President ol the A. I '. C.. 
Mr. C. II. Ciui.MKits. cordially proposed the Chairman's health, 
which was acclaimed us though the i-iinrln-n had not been 
rheering and hip-hip-hipping the whole evening, and evoked 
from the Chairman, as fresh and ready a- e\er. a mo-t happily 
expressefl tag that served as a triumphant finale to the 

Hut all was not over yet. The Ancient.- had time to look 
alxmt them ere (putting the (iuildhall, and not a few of the 
elder visitors, approaching the orchestra, whence had pro 
ceeded the sweet strains that introduced the and the 
two lir-l speeches, suddenly started back, gra-ped each other's 
arm.-, and exclaimed, in tones that Iliiinli-t ought to employ 

when he s'>s his father's gho-t. "'0 |>r..phetie s..ul.- ! ' 

i-an this ]H>xsibly IK.- that eminent violinist without whom, with 
hi.- Stradivarius, \ear- ago, and nx-koning from before thai 
date almost up to the present time, no undergraduate's parly 
was ever complete, whose real name few of us knew, but 
who was thought of. addres,sed. and thoroughly re- pi vied a- 
1 Whitehe.ided IV .|i ' ! Is iff Nay. 'tis." Then one alter 
another takes him by the hand, greeting him ino-l lordialh, 
and Hoi! U-ams again as though lie were but ju-t a begi: 
on flu- violin, and as if, once again accompanied by his two 
faithful followers, on a cornet a piston and t'other on 

he were receiving some mo-t exceptionally gratif\ ing 
tribute of "bobs up" as a reward for his temporal-) servi 
Then we adjourn to the Club l!.>.m- of the A. I >. C.. and 

.Mavit 8, 1905.] 




Frinul (to Kfiortsiiiiiii, trim luix jut tulien a toss into a ploughed field). "Hri.LOA! WHERE ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEES?" 

linv at clcvt-n, ;i very late hour for commencing, is given us 
the immortal " Screen Scene," capitally rendered by Mr. J. J. 
Qi ILL as Sir Peter, Mr. SctlOLFlELD as Joseph, Mr. TATHAM 
as I'lmrles, Mr. P. M. HERBERT as Joseph's servant, and Mr. 
G. P. L. ORR, as a really admirable I^idy Teazle. 

On a page in the programme facing that containing the 
cast nl "The Screen Scene" is a "copy of the first pro- 
gramme of the Club." What is it? SHAKSPEARE? SHERIDAN? 
VICTOR Hro ? MOI.IERE ? Alas ! the names of the authors 
arc not mentioned, but those of the three pieces are it was 
"a triple bill"- -".I Fast Train! High Pressure!! Express!!! 
The Burlesque Tragic Opera of Bombastes Furioso, To con- 
clude with ithe laughable farce of) Did you ei-er send your 
Wife to C,i nilierirell .'" 

Rather a leap and bound from the somewhat rough-and- 
tumble performance of an old Adelphi farce, dating from over 
fifty years ago, to the immortally-perfect comedy of SHERIDAN, 
not for any age but for all time. But Bombastes is a classic, 
and even now this deponent is certain that, ware it played by 
experienced actors possessing' the true tragedy instinct for 
burlesque, Bombastes Fiiriuno, without its musical numbers, 
of which the raison d'etre has been entirely lost, if produced 
for a limited number of representations would achieve a 
remarkable success. This by the way. Then the entire 
entertainment was brought to an end by Mr. SCHOUIELD'S 
well emphasised delivery of a sparkling epilogue, specially 
written for the occasion by Professor Sir RICHARD JKIJII, M. P., 
who, failing to appear in answer to the hearty appreciative 
plaudits of the audience, impressed upon us all by his 

'absence that now indeed was the witching hour of night, 
when not to be either within College walls or safe in lodgings 
might result, even on this special occasion, in private and 
personal visits having to be paid, by special request of 
tutors, to those in authority. So broke we up, and, as the 
hour of midnight boomed, all congratulated themselves on 
a triumphant finish to the Jubilee of the A. I). C., which 
with the last stroke of midnight entered upon the fifty-first 
year of its happy existence. 

"Let Henry fret, and all the wirld repine." 

1 Hen. VI. v. i'. 

GOOD news from Wolverhampton. Mr. Punch is delighted 
to be able to announce Sir HENUY IRVINQ'S triumphal progress 
through the state of Convalescence towards the domain of 
Perfect Health, when he shall " enjoy his own again." 
Everyone will acclaim the festival of his Restoration, for, 
ones more to quote the ever-ready Bard, " Whom should we 
mat-jli with HEXHY?" 

Ix a testimonial dated from one of His Majesty's ships we 
read, ' Whilst cruising the other day, one of the blades of our 
propeller came off, and I had to go <utd wilder a a/inre one 
on. It was rather a long and tiring job, and I sincerely 
believe if it hadn't been for - Cocoa I should never have 
got through." It looks as if our friend the Handy Man had 
been pulling somebody's leg. 



1HK Ln.\|MN ' 



.1 /'.i,. l''uvtbaltrri 

, f i 


OED obaeivera will rea 
vntion gi 
tho groat do!: 

will I.- ,.f 


club - 

!,-! pl.iyr. i- a fanta-tic ilre.mi ? Let him remember 

Hen tho dleain- of to da\ are the 
real morrow. 

I., neglect tho . 

t.f f,,.dl 




It will hardly ! 
hat whil-t 
:id the 

\..s chietly 

,t l>t a 
The Mil'/;. 

It will tleal 

..Jo game, and 

nothing Imt the game. For such a 
paper there was only one possible 
nnd the proprietors are proud 

do we 
;g army 


i interview with thv 
famous football | 

nnounce that he has consented to fill 

our lir-t numU-r Mr- M iv-. wife 

,-r famou- Mi ..UN- of the 

leiiham 'I' "ill '" 

ir interviewer. K\.T\ 
jrday w shall our lady 

n of ;i match bloii-v 
id article I ,\ " < '1. in, In Clear 
f the llritifh UV. /./!/. on 
I'r.iiniiig for Sale 

' .r the g. ' -. n i- 

our I, . omit of 

kick in ev.-ry match. Important details, 

n li as tin- pattern of the ref. 

A t 

limes IIH 

this responsible post. 

In the politics of the game the Mn/i/ 
ILiirl will strive to hold the balance 
lietween all parties. On the great 
question of the hour -the maximum 
wage we shall take up 
attitude: Free Trade in p 
with Protection for clubs. 

a Balfourian 

knickers, the numl>cr of 
whistle was blown, tin- 
interval in seconds, and the repartees 
of the crowd, will In- carefully retarded. 


ism.Miw MIIH Sin OIIM:K I 
lly //,/.!. 

A \\oM-i.iii 1 1. dotne-ahaped forehead 

shining with white light, wistful i 
unfalliomalile lii-lro penetrating far he- 
yoml the " flaming walls of the world," 

r old |.i . i.i MI - hath it. a finely 
chiselled anli ( ifecian no-c. a wi 
tc'iidiT n th, and a -tivniious chin 

1 with a full (lot hie board the 
"hole set (irmly on a ma--i\e frame, 
and garl.ed neatly l.ut aii-terdy in the 
conventional habiliments of civilisation. 
Si much for tho outer man of the 
Principal of Birmingham I'niver-ity, 
heroic- attack on orthodox mctliods 

,!, of teaching mathematics ha 
fan. The fruits 


..f \Vat-rl<' woiv 1,1-1 in tin- i':igea of 1 

ino onii, ni ii , 

\n..thor uro will lH-:iori>i. Mo<lioal 
Colunm. Kvorv M.-ndav i. will In- illu*- ''" 

. p i, 8 of the cuts. 

coupled s,.n,,,hos. hrm^s and bites 

N<> ofTonMv,- dJattngtiiahed Eootballen in 

b> .- 

spirit of partisanship will lie allowed to matches. But tho Mii/;/ Hnii'l will be 

rtwp into our columns. We shall treat far from a gloomy paper. Though its 

the ,guo and the Souther,, medical column will show the seamy , ;,;, mv , iK ,, (1 

League with absolute impartiality. The nde Of a footballer s life, yet its page 

reader will over find us, as Mr. HOSEA of " Dressing-Room Drivel" will show 

y mind. 

the niciin nijilinin iiu'li-iii how can any 
intcrv iewer, no matter how Susceptible 
to the emanations of genius, rentier 
oxen approximate jn-lii 
and sell Bacrificing ebullitions? For just 
think for a moment of the tremendous 

in Ijo.-.i - pro-cut attitude. 1m- 

tin.'ly (said, "faring South 
Amongst the numerous 


fentures of 

how the great men are able to forget 
their troubles and enjoy a jest even as 
the humblest onlooker might do. 

To an early issue it is expected that 
Mr. HuiY.MiD Km.ixr, will contribute a 

interest we propose to introduce, our 

"Daily Bulletin" will perhaps prove 

most attractive. Our readers will find "Hymn to be sung by referees before 

in it. arranged in duo order, a full going into action." Mr. HAU. Clint'0 

account of the health, physical ocrupa groat Serial Story, The Snare o/ the 

tii in and mental occupation (if any of / '../.;. will deal with the sad fate of a 

tho |>nNtilin>; twonty-fonr hours. 

Another novel fi>-.itnro will be " Foot- 

ball in the Puliii- Court-." The pro- 

r< i if the Aii/i/ lioirl feel that 

many instructive nnd amusing incidents 

of a footballer's life never secure the 

attention they deserve. Therefore all 

police-court ctaes in which spectators 

liarged with assaulting referees, 

.-, or each other, or in which 

players are alleged to have attacked 

onlookers, opponents, or referees, will 

receive their due a \orl>.itim re|H,rt 

The bare summaries given at pretwnt in 

the Press give a most inadequate idea 

of these interesting 

jJayor during roat ci-ntro forward whose- BWthndl (f 

play were too strenuous, nnd will inci- 
dentally set the parable of the Good 
Samaritan in quite a new li^ht. Under 
bright breezy headings, such as " Black- 

Our Ihiily Financial Column will U- 
conducted by an expert of great i 
ence. On all such questions as the 
payment of players, the squaring of 
-. ami the amount of gate-money, 
his judgment will prove of immense 

Our Daily Market List, containing the 

burn Blither," " I'oinj*-y Piflle." " Ful- 
ham Facetisp," " Hot from Heading," 
experienced correspondents in every 
centre will furnish chatty daily notes. 

Still the proprietors of the Daily Bairl 
recognise that a paper should be some- 
thing than an organ for retailing 
news. A journal without a moral motive 
is sure to fail. In these days conscience 
and circulation go together. So, in no 
spirit of arrogance, may we suy that if 
we can make six spectators assist nt a 
football match whore only one assisted 
before, if we can give the British work- 
man the opportunity of thoughtfully 
criticising a great match every afi. 
in the week, we shall liave deserved well 
of the nation. Our ambition j- 
a u ild one is to see Ihiily I..agu. 

ball. Don the cynical reader any this 

pd lot I alike by instinct and equipmenl 
[o win undying laurels in the field of 
research, h. permeated l.y the 

desire to promote the greate-t ctlicioncy 
if tho greatest number that he has 
dolilioratoly resolved to give up to the 
public what was meant lor the 
tory ! 

As \ve were ushered into Sir ( )| n Hi's 
sanctum at Birmingham yo-terday, with 
a glad smile ho swept a-ide his U k- and 
papers and expres-ed his roadin. 
devote an hour or two to tlio unfolding 
of his plan of campaign for the 

few week-. 

"I suppose it must l.e the 
of Birmingham," ho said half apoi 
cally, "and its infection of energy, that 
enables mi- to get through so much 
work. Just look at my list of engage- 
ments for the next fortnight, and he 
handed me a typo- written document 
which ran as follows: 

8.- Presidential Addrewtothe Coldiielddolf club "Christian 
Science as a cure for Foo/ling." 

March 9. Lecture at \Vcst Bro.nwich 
Theosophioal S.-iety " Hatioiial Dress 
for Astral bodh 

March In A-toii Villa I 'dialing 
Solely "\Virele-s telegraphy in the 
Cri.-ket Field." 

Mm: It 1 1 KdghastonLiterarv. 1 - 

"The true theory of Pun-." 

M.viicii 8, 1905.] 



1.'!. llonrnville .Mechanics' In 
stitute i.Mr, ('U'MiKY in the chair 
" ( 'la i I'M nance 01 a means to Commercial 

success in the ( 'ocoa trade." 

.W,nv/,, 11. The Pioneer (3nb "Tele. 

patliy at Bridge." 

Mniv/i lf>. National Sporting Club 

" ( In tin- Vortex theory as applied to 
clay pigeons." 

March ]ti. Birmingham Town Hall 
"Does Birmingham reallv want a 

"I perceive your post of Principal is 

no sinecure," I observed, as I handed 

hack the formidable list. 

" NII, indeed," responded the great 
scientist. " lint yon must not imagine 
that this is a complete list of my engage- 
ments. For instance, it takes no account 
of interviews, speeches, or the writing 
of a constant succession of articles for 
newspapers and maga/.ines. At this 
moment I have no fewer than seven on 
hand, vi/., 'Tight-lacing in the Polo 
mites,' 'Prehistoric Cookery,' 'How to 
Reform the Royal Society,' ' The neglect 
of Association footl>all at Rugby School.' 
'On the place of the Tnrliine in Modern 
Orchestration,' 'Devotional Dancing,' 
and ' The Economics of the Three-Card 
Trick.' " 

" It- must be very hard," I observed, 
" to concentrate your attention on the 
matters which concern the immediate 
interest of the Birmingham University?" 

" I lard ?" replied the Principal; "it 
is almost impossible. Take the case of 
Eton, for example. In consequence of 
some severe but perfectly justifiable 
criticism on the futility of Etonian 
methods of education, I have been 
assailed in the pages of the School 
Magazine. It would be treason to Bir- 
mingham for me to take this rebuke 
'lying down,' and I have accordingly 
arranged to attend a meeting of 'Pop' 
next week, at which I propose to vin- 
dicate aud substantiate my charges, and 
at the same time to deliver a lecture on 
the peremptory need for substituting 
Instruction in Hypnotism for Latin Verse 
in the school curriculum." 

"I suppose you take some interest in 
the appointment of Dr. WARRE'S suc- 
cessor?" 1 asked. 

"Of course I do," heartily rejoined 
Sir OLIVER. "Holding that the present 
regime is only fruitful in futility, I am 
bound to strain every nerve to promote 
the appointment of a strenuous and 
enlightened head-master, and liaveaccord- 
iugly sent in my application for the post. 
1 admit that it will be difficult to com 
bine the duties of my new post with my 
journalistic engagements, but in view of 
the dearth of suitable candidates and the 
crying need of restoring Eton's prestige 
I had no alternative but to compete. Jt 
will not, I think, involve a change of 
residence, as my new system of psychic 


ind (art eonnoiHseur). "\ViUT A PERFECT ENAMEL!" 


telegraphy will enable me to conduct all 
the necessary business from Birming- 

As I looked at his splendidly bulbous 
brow, which seemed to expand visibly 
during this momentous recital, somehow 
or other the lines came into my head- 

" And still the wonder grew 
One single head could carry all he knew." 

Stifling my amazement I nsked, "Is it 
true, Sir OI.IVER, that your size in hats is 
No. 9?" 

"Yes," laughingly replied the great 
encyclopaedist, " and the remarkable part 
of the thing is that when I came to 
Birmingham I used to wear a hat of 
exactly the same circumference as Mr. 
GLADSTONE, whereas now I require one 
two sizes larger." 

"I suppose the foot is that the brain 

grows with exercise just like the biceps?" 
I hazarded. 

"Precisely so," replied the Principal. 
"But I fear that I must now conclude 
our interesting conversation, as I am 
expecting a representative of the Church 
Times, to whom I have promised to 
communicate my views on the Revival 
in Wales." 

I apologised for detaining the Prin- 
cipal so long from the discharge of his 
official duties, and took an affectionate 
leave. And yet there are people who 
say that the world only produces second- 
rate men nowadavs ! 

More Commercial Candour. 

" DON'T go Elsewhere to be Swindled, 



PUN< ll OR Till-: LONDON ll \i:i\ AIM. 

[MAB.-H >s. I'.HI.-,. 


Fart. " 



t'. My. "Qcux HASM'- MAS-I..V-, I MMCK 

JIEAS, '. 


C'\IK. l.-nd a hand and lift in.', TOM, uiid prop me in my bed; 
There's tag* and rags of things 1 've done a-buzzing through 

my head. 

: the word to Bail to-night ; my port I do not know ; 
Hut I must clear tin- lumber off before it 'a time to go. 

I ain't dip much that 'B mighty good nor much that 'a very 

I jve hail a knrick-ntit blow or two, and bits of fun I 've had. 

>y turn of *ii hiring and took it as it came, 
1 In- there I always was- to answer to my name. 

Mjr head ' a whirl of little thing* ; the bigger things are 

I nuntl the -lay I uj.ped an<l f,,ught my poor old brother Jon*. 

'lothar darning socks and smiling kin<l to : 
And didn t father clout me once lor spilling of my tea ! 

I see my little sigU-r gu I think site 'B standing them, 
A little lt of junky bow a-ahining in her 1 
I've not set eyes on S\i f,,r ymn ; but. T..y U-fore I sail 
1 'd like to say, "I'm sorry, SAL, I pulled your kitten's tail." 

It's eased my mind to talk lik<- t!ii.>, ami. now tli 


I 'in off to face the wind and waves, and. To\i. I ain't afraid. 


(From Our Ayony Columns.} 
J^OLD I.AI'Y. l|..\v do you do' your hair? 
"Slip will have wnntbippeni enow, 

Who wears our I'mm-Kits <m licr l>r.m ." 
Have you bought tli'.s,- delightful revolving h.vU ? N 

Li?"* otber ' thill " l >T ** ' J "t there, I hear th. 

I ''II . 

I know that where the others went I 're got to go as well. 

S.' \YnllsmiTKK. C.nild not sec me at K; \ 

^i II should haxeoneof lU p .iiinl opera xl;W*e8, 

purchasable on the Timet system of monthly paym 

deposit. So neur and yet ao fur ! BOLD LAI>Y. 

gOI.I) LADY. Ta.-te our l'r,,,iuu 'IVa and di.-. The l>,t 
cure for melancholia and ily.-|..-|.>ia. Karewt-ll iill 

Tuesday. Noisy WOIISIIIITKK. 

JJOISV \V()|;>H||M'Kl:. Cannot walk, darling. Am dv 
Do not f..r---<. Ituy l!iinl;niii'x I'ui 

ofallx> H..ii,Lu,v. 

D LADY. . I tli.-n oldivion." Buy our 

blush eradicator, \*. \\,l. nrt. Try it in your hath. 

i >n all chi \.,IM WOBSHIPPKR. 






MARCH 8, l'.i<if>.] 




K\n;.\< ii. n H:<I\I IIIK IiiAiiv UK 'I'nitv, M.T. 

House of Commons, 

1'ivtty to see how sonic line natures retain 
to last the gold of ingenuousness. JOHN 
KEMUWAY, though not old as statesmen 
go, is not exactly ft chicken, .\luehwater 
lias pacd under K \eter Bridge since 
lie uent "(in SHKHMVN'S 'I'raek." The 
Anieriean < leneral. as \ve know, managed 
to get away: lint that was the fortune of 
Ki:\\\\v\v had the satisfaction of 

de-criliinij his personal c\ | .enences ill a 
volume much tlinnilied liy .lews converted 
under the auspices of the Lmdon Society 
of which he is the esteemed President. 

In a useful life modestly lived Sir 
JOHN is unconsciously alile to do quite a 
doulilc kindness on such occasion as 
presented itself this afternoon. S'l'KVKX- 
so\ brings on liy way of Amendment to 
the Address case of Macedonia anil 
Armenia, trodden under the slipper of 
the Turk. \\Y are all sorry for the sub- 
ject races who, according to Earl PERCY, 
when not being burned or slaughtered 
by the Turks, avoid ennui by slaying 
or singeing each other. But we won't 
sit in our places throughout debate on 
the subject. 

Thus it came to pass that STEVENSON'S 
fluency rippled over empty benches. 
SAKK counted an average of 32 present 
throughout a speech of considerable 



Mr. Rolf our. " Photographing my side of the House, eh ? If you '11 give me a few minutes 
I '11 send for my friends and you shall take a nice group of us all together ! " 

Messrs. Lloyd-George and M'Kenna. " Oh ! no, thank you ; we prefer a very rapid exposure 
lan-shot will answer nur rmrnnsfi nprfpr.tlv t " 


" Unhesitating flow of words, level voice and 

immobile attitude." 

(Mr. St-v-ns-n.) 

a snap-shot will answer our purpose perfectly ! 

length. On thg Treasury Bench PERCY 
was sole Relique of a dispersed Ministry. 
Later, when the Under Secretary for 
Foreign Affairs rose to reply with that 
weighty manner that awes the Chan- 
celleries of Europe, PRINCE ARTHUR 
strolled in with obvious intent to keep 
a fatherly eye on his bantling. 

Still, two Ministers on the Bench whilst 
a question affecting the peace of Europe 
is to the fore is a spectacle that would 
have waked up PAM even in his most 
somnolent days, would have been im- 
possible, even in such recent times as 
DIZZY'S. Example set in high places 
obediently followed on humbler levels. 
Above and below Gangway on both sides 
stretched arid wastes suggestive of recent 

raid of 

Bashi Bazouks on Armenian 

Happily of the 32 who came and went 
was Sir JOHN RENNAWAY ; that at the 
lowest computation makes 33. In 
height and girth Sir JoirN is equivalent 
to the representation of two seats, say 
for King's Lynn. But wliat are even 
two amidst so few ? 

It was in the opening sentence of his 
speech that the man before whom 

SHERMAN fled blushed like a girl and 
stammered like a young Middy when, 
ashore, his Admiral stops to speak to 
him. There was no harm done; cer- 
tainly none meant. All that Sir JOHN 
said in his opening sentence was, "After 
the exhaustive argument we have just 

listened to 
look round the 

Then, with 
empty House, 


resting on STEVENSON sitting opposite, 
naturally expectant of something nice to 
be said about him by the Member who 
was seconding his proposition, the burly 
Baronet stopped in state of embarrass- 
ment that unfortunately accentuated the 
painful situation. 

Strictly speaking there was nothing 
the most sensitive might complain of in 
use of the word "exhaustive." If Sir 
JOHN had said " exhausting " it would, 
of course, have been different. 

His honest intention was to be com- 
plimentary. He desired to suggest that, 
with his intimate knowledge of the case, 
his unhesitating flow of words, his level 
voice, his immobile attitude, the pre- 
ceding speaker had really left nothing 
more to be said. 

All the same, coming at the end of a 



jiond ;-iiig for a 

-h of h; 

it ; nono but he is in tin- re-pcct hi- 
r.ili- 1 ll came alxiiit in debate 
That -. 



: ^ 


71* Caff*. - W1 at ! ko clu pair o' heeln. eli. my liemrtii ? ! 

pwce o' my r 
T-3iniy B- M-nl-y ami a portion of Mr. A-lw-n F-ll-w-s.) 

three-quarUTB-of-an-hour speech which 
emptied the House, the choice of the 
.ve was perhaps not happy. It 
was one of the things that our 
DC MAIRIEB used to say "might have 
been put differently." 

Rutinrti done. Speeches about Mace- 
donia, whose fortunes are still going 
down, and on Sugar, whose i 
goes up. 

Some talk about our r . C . 

Still the talk goes on by th- 
ing hour; bcluhe- imply. atmosphere 
,riness unnttenible tills cliainlier 
darkening in the chill shadows of a 
February aften. 

I'.'su: I.vw unexpi-ctc Hy rises and lo ! 
the tide of humanity turns anil llo\\s in 
till tl - - mply, fill with 

crowd. Under S-crctary for 
Board of Trade does not often speak ; he 
leaves the privilege to his letters who 

present i in: i.jii-t less. > 

1-i-ial Reform carried out b> thoroughly 

c.ipahlc hands Kl.UillV who raised 

the (|lles||cili, cited figures to show how 

I'ntisli industry I. a- l.evii 

it I., verge of ruin ; ll'.IKK) men 

turned adrift; I.'I.IKNI working short 

time; price of sugar doubled, and. 

bitterest of ironies, the production of 

in the \\c-t Indie-i, for whose 

lieiielit the c-i-tly -acritice was made. 

declining rather than advancing. 

For tl \ Mini-ter who carried the 

( 'onvciition in face of despcrati 

lit in tlii- a hard nut to crack 1 v-s . 

faci-il situation with customary n 

and figures citi-d were undeniable ; 
but the SagBT ('onvenlion had nothing 
to do with them except that, by accident, 
they followed upon ' ion. Was 

Sugar the only thing that, during the 
past twelve months, had gone up in 


' lxik at ccittiin, ami," he 

added, turning sharply towards (' It. 
as if conveying hospital)!- 
invitation, " take onions." 

Whilst the nation has sluml-en-d the 
price of onions has insidiously gone up 

KtTect of this 


g of his 
of the A. 1>. ('.. F. 0. H 

E AimuRoncedi 
th curtain prematurely. 

t over that tendency now," growls 
' It. thinking of deferred 1'issolutioii. 

Tuesday .Vi<;/i/. The quick response 
the House make* to able speaker, even 
in moments of profoundest depression, 
illustrated just now. I >< sugar may be, 
doubtless is, rankling in bosom of mul- 
titude of housewives; has played its 
part in by-elections ; its influence will 
be felt in the coming pitched buttle at 
the polls. But prolongation of debate 
into second day is more than House can 
stand. Recognises the bollowness of the 

Convention is in operation ; must 
necessarily nin its appointed j-ri-l. 
Thing been debated over and over again 
through two long years. Members have 
taken sides in controversy; not t-> ! 
moved by the lamci. Mr li mi. 

the coruscations of Mr. KF.WU.Y, or the 
demonstration of Brother GOUID that 
brown sugar at 3d. per pound is really 
cheaper than it was when, before the 
Brussels Conventkn got to work, the 
genial grocer smilingly accepted L'-i . 
sometimes, by way of bonus, adding a 

exceeded jn-rhaps only by I'HIM'K AMOUR, 
and that in unite another f; 

His jiowition to-<la; 

avoweil I'rotectionist. he conclusi\ely 
showeil how giKl a thing it is to alxilish 
Ixmnties. Without assistance of notes 
limiti-d even to half a shi-et of paper. 
In- d.-liverel s|-<-ch bristling with vigour, 
buttressed by fsicts. So quietly siHiken. 
so clever, so persuasive, that it extorted 
the outspoken admiration of gentlemen 
opposite, who recognised (or tb. night they 
did) that the skilfully bnilde-1 structure 
was founded on the sands of fallacy. 

Butinet* ilmir. On Sugar Qm-stion 
Government majority runs up U> ' 

Fridnii tiiijlit. Session barely three 
weeks old, but the IKI!H- is already blae. 
Began on wnmg principle. After tin- 
stiff glass of absinthe mixed by Sir 
sYMjuiiiNSi.i.i . Parliamentary diners 
have no taste for the rin iirdinn 
the prosaic course. A<I.A\D - H---I-. 
pinker an-l |<inker in hue. manages to 
Tu-icnt numlx-r of men within 
hail for contingent divisions ; hut they 
remain in their places for debate 
1 on such matters as Supplemental 
Once through a dull \v.-<-k the sluggish 

. was 

Mr. KKMII.KV bit his lips 
in indignation. The fair slructi 
argumcni he had Iniilt up wa- de- 
iiiilished at a blow. Mr. LOOOB ssir- 
castically cried "(ih, oh," but in his 
heart ol hearts he felt the game was up. 
The Sugar question, useful weapon in 
Opposition hands, had. s- 1 to s|>eak, 
melted in the cup. As by the wand of 
the magician I >N -l---l' had fa 
public attention upon on; 

" And the wor-t of onion- 
('. H. forlornly, "that they are the only 
thing which during the last nin- 

-.vernmeiit have never meddled 
with nor muddled." 

" That 's his del. ,id Bl:M t . 

"Often heard of shunting inconvenient 
inquiry by drawing red herring 
the path, l-'ir-t time the homely union 
was ever put to similar i 

Not much for 

The Xalarift of Ambiguity. 

hii/iittiii lni'iirnl, . \\cre you ]-rea- h 
ing at your church last night? 

t'linili-. Nd; why ? 

/XII/I/IIKI. Oli, I didn't know whether 
\ou would \> preaching or not 
wouldn't n-k L-oiiig. 

MARCH .s, 





5 g 




w ^ 


O u 

S . * 

O 3 2 


a M 

J 5i 


z g 5 

UJ M 'f 

a. - u 






PI N H. M|; TI1K 


- ! 


"On! Mum*' :uy cousin hnnt-. with t! 

. -elf 

little monkev on the 

Itnt : 

acO. Iwoilld: : .ipph.-l 

*urh a term to me before, 

-i then. 

. . : . . lulled ghw 

which always :.ilher a worm. 

.'ii all fi H 

YOU ask IIH-. I'm , my aunt. " I think he'- 

a frightful lr Which was my poor dear aunt 

all over -never fnl-1 make lowonces for me ! 

I I'lniti-. .1 don't 

know what "twee" -t md.- for exactly but mtething ,! m ,1 
complimentary.) "Only sec scratching his 

ducky little i-.. I lial'it I had INVM Irving all 

the afternoon to cor: !! - quite tc tmity fur xx 

I wonder if tboae two nice men xx. uld part with him." 

"My dear PHYLLIS ! " exclaimed n. into the 

Tictori.i you quite n a I ': Home. CIIABLES." 

\uj,"said I'm 1.1 is, as he was about t 

his hat and mount the box by Ti VRBUIGE'S side. "kirling 
Mums, I 'in quite serious I am, rfally. And you know u.- \< 
no pet ' -fkif diil." .'. :is a white 

cockatoo, and I muld understand from what 1 rememl>cred of 
him that they would IN- dad of a little peace.) " I must just 
hey will sell him." 

K\rn as a child. I'IIM 1 1- generally got her own way. Now she 
had come out, everybody- my mint included knocked under 
to her at once if she was at all keen on anything. It saved time. 

PHYLLL* opened negotiations at once. Fortunately she had 
no difficulty in making herself understood, as the two sports- 
men who ran my show happened to be British artisans of 
sorts who, being presumably thrown out of employment by 
foreign competition, had adopted this means of Retaliation. 

But as a crowd had already collected, a constable promptly 
appeared and, with a civility paid rather to my aunt's con- 
veyance than my own, requested us to move on and not 
obstruct the trathe. 

Aunt SEI.IXA would have driven off and left me to my fate. 
but PHYLLIS wouldn't hear of it, so the disgusted Ti MHRIKIK 
had to turn up a small and unfrequented street close by, 
followed by me aixl the piano-organ, and the crowd, which 
by this time was taking a deep interest in my future. 

PHTLUS is a most awfully charming girl, but a poor band 
at monkey-buying much too eager. Even those two utter 
outsiders spotted at once that she had set her heart on getting 
me, and piled it on accordingly. I 'd no idea before how 
fond they were of me it appeared I was the sunbeam of 
their cheerless homes, the darling of JOE'S missus, ih.- j ! .;. 
fellow of Bur's offspring. 

" Really, PHTIJ.I-, " said my downy aunt, "I think it would 
be too cruel to deprive the poor men of such a pet." 

I knew the idiots would muff it ! and, in my desjiair, I hit 
my tambourine a vicious bang. 

., lydy," explained Bui, "my kids and his missus 'd 
be on'y too thankful to 'ear as pore Jocko 'ad found a good 
'ome where he'd IN- t<k proper care on. For, I tell \,-r 
ittrite, we can't feed 'im not like the likes of 'im had orier IN- 
fed, bein' so dellikit." 

"My mate means a dellikit feeder," put in .l-.i I 
"and, bein' outer work, we can't git him luxuries and 
relishes like we did in 'appier times." #6 

It 's my belief that precious pair of humbugs had 
me till that morning, when they had prolxtlily hired roe for 

the day with theorem in Ix-alher I 'Tmn Hill. Ali 

.it Aunt > MI; ;i liil 

en 1 'MM i is MtMin-d to find the puMicity and i. 
\\jis attracting rather more than t-he had bargained for. 
It i-ii 1 .-\.i\ il.i\ a I/'ndoii crowd ha.- tin- e\cii. 

K' a Sumptuously -attired \oun. in a victoria 

trying to Imy a monkey at a fancy li^ure off an orgiin, s 
nopular. S-\eial of her admirers urged 
proprietors to ' li-t the young l\'l\ 'axe the monkey clu .. 

! ti.k M-i-h a fa ncx for it," though there xxvre one or 
ixxo * mred Siciali-l- xx ho cried "Shame!" on the idle 
, xxlmli x\a-. trxing to depnxe two p<-'r hard- 
.iny men of tlicir .'lily 1'ic-advx inner. 

r me. I \xa^ |i<xxerli-~-. I could onl_\ .-it and ! 
from the top of mx pedestal, lik< il Johnny in a 

melixlnima U-iii^' put up to am-t wliem \er I toought 1 'MM 1 1- xx as lie^'iniiin^ to \\,-.,ken, 
I tried to n-xixe her enthusiasm hy rattling the tainlNitii 

1'iTliap- that just turned the .-4 -ale. Anxhoxv. she 
at la.-l. What .-lie actually paid for me I don't knoxv Imt 
1 xe no, )., n|, i n !W a 1,,,,^' uax alioxe the market value for 
a monkey, of xxhatcxcr l.n-ed 1 lieloii^ed to. To i 
had talent.- anil intelligence denied to any monkey lint 
neither of the parties Misptvled tl 

Th.-re xva.-n't enough in the pnr.-e which I'IIYII i- t...k out 
of her dainty wri-t I'.i^- to make up the purchase money. 
was obliged to borrow from my aunt, and even from the 
lilu.-hint; Citxi;il.s. In-fore my ran-om w.i- linally j.aid in full. 

nit declined to have i n the little *rni/mriii 

fnint. A> a matter of fact, I had IH-CII there before more than 
once and a jolly uncomfortable pen h it -.-. Mill, 1 'm 

boilinl to xiy I don't jdtogether blame her ju.-t then. 

Si. when we drove off atnid.-t loud cheers which I do not 
think were intended altogether in chaff. I was on the 
.-itting InKlkin betxvecn CIIXIMK- and Ti Mimii;K, who 
distinctly shirty at having to drive lioim- through the Park 
xvith such a companion. 

At least BO I gathered from the .-nbdued remarks th. 
changed above my inoffensive head. Till then I had al- 
though! TUMBRIDOE and CHARLES such respectable men ! 

Much 1 cared for their opinions ! 1 had got a rise in the 
world already, and in a quarter 1 little expected. 1 wonder 
what they would have said if they had known who the quiet 
unassuming-looking monkey that was nharing the box 
with them really was, or guessed that if I blinked my eyes 
it was merely because I was dazzled by the brilliancy of the 
future that seemed within my grasp. 

Naturally they couldn't know all that and perhaps it was 
just as well they didn't. 1 A. 



MARCH 8, 1905.] 




well - known astrologer, palmist anil 
clairvoyant, of ( 'awupore. has Predicted 
that from .March 17 Kiissia will be^in 
to achieve victory over tlio Japanese-. 
The ailvisaliilily of issuing the new 
Russian loan before that date has, we 
understand, been realised by the tinan- 
. iers roneerned. 

modicum of dress which the law imposes 
is surely not unreasonable. 

A gentleman has written to the Daily 
Mail to complain that in Hrixion I'rison 
there are thirty-two aliens. Hut for 
these, thirty-two of our own fine fellows 
might be there. M. RODIN has bacn praising our 

and our art. Our art certainly looks 

Mr. EVVN ROBERTS claims to have its best in our fogs. 

OOB( il:.'').i'i'.)i; to heat, light, aad ventilate 

the Houses of Parliament last year 
This compare* mo,l unl'avouralily will 
other institutions such a; Hengler s. 01 
the Hackney Kmpire, or the Tootin:' 
Debating S X'ietv. 

The strike epidemic in 
b'u-sia has not, yet died out, 
for. while mailers have ap- 
parently been arranged at the 
I'ntiloff \\orks, a message has 
been received from General 
Krmil'ATKlN that the time has 
not yet arrived for him to 

The Baltic Fleet Commis- 
sion has found that the 
Russians were guilty, hut 


The report, certainly shows 
one thing: the danger of hasty 
conclusions. At the time of 
the outrage in the Xorth Sea, 
people imagined that Admiral 
Ixo/iiDK.srvi.ssKY had shown a 
lack of military capacity and 

The London County Council 
has decided to have no more 
motor fire-engines. The men 
have enough work to do in 
extinguishing the fires without 
extinguishing the engines. 

The Registrar - General's 

statistical report which has 
just been published confirms 
the popular belief that mar- 
riages are not made, to any ; 
extent, on earth. 

''Hairdressers," we read, 
"have decided that devotees 
of fashion must wear (iivian 
coiffures with the new style 
of hats." How this ukase 
affected the voting at Cam- 
bridge last week on the (ireek 
([uestion will probably never be known. 






Those people who hold thai 
a'classical education is a wasti 
of time, forget the pri/.e>. I.-IM 
week the 1'niversity of I/mdou 
advertised for a gentleman It 
fill a vacancy in the Examina- 
tion Department, a gradual) 

preferred, his whole time t( 

beal the service of the I'niver- 

sitv. The commencing salary. 
it is true, would be only .til 
a vear, but it would rise, by 
,117 10s. a year, to 150. 


The protests raised at Oxford 
persons over sixty against Dr. Osu... 
drastic proposals have had some effect. 
The d)X'tor now announces that he will 
not insist on their being chloroformed. 

The annual report of the Dogs' Home 
comments upon the fact that l'.'!,l'.IH 
dogs were taken to Hattersea bv the 
police for wearing no collars. The 

received a divine command to refrain 
from speech. Unfortunately, though 
Welsh, he is not a Membar of Parliament. 

It cannot justly be said that domestic 
affairs are being neglected by the House 
of Commons. CHAMBERLAIN on Sugar, 
and WYXDHAM on Toast, were the two 
chief features of last week's Parliament. 

American athlete," we read, 
" has left Newcastle on his 
last tramp to Glasgow." At 
a time when one hears so 
much about tramps being 
work-shy, it is pleasant to 
come across an announcement 
like this. _ 

A gentleman has written an 
interesting letter to the Daily 
Mirror on the subject of a 
proposed testimonial to Sir 
HENRY IRVING. "I would sug- 
gest," he says, " that we start 
a shilling fund for the pur- 
chase of the Lyceum. It has 
been done for a cricketer, why 
not for an actor?" Many 
people will be surprised 
to hear that a cricketer is 
the present proprietor of the 

King EDWARD in the Dock" 
was a newspaper heading 
which caused some unneces- 
sary alarm last week. The 
paragraph merely recorded 
the fact that H.M.S. King 
VII. had entered 

According to a return just issued, it 

the new d;K-k at Gibraltar. 

The National Liberal Federation has 
passed a resolution in favour of the 
extension of parliamentary franchise to 
women. Yes, but it does not follow 
that the new electors would wish an old 
lady to be Premier. 

" THE Japs are a most repulsive 
people," as KCROPATKIN remarked when 
they kept on driving him back. 

l-l V II M|; IHK |.i. MM, N . ||\|;|\ MM 


iuil A nt i 

.fir i UK' prim for the beat stories, wans, 
.nil "f tin- can-*- Hut 
why mH kill sev. > ith out- *t 

..^ui-n will f.i!l -i the 

VATl'I. Vr 

TIIK \ViHiiN,, ci|- \\1NII- !; 

Ill till- I lllk ill pi'' 

ran t two iple. A. I. .pi 


.1 he thought 

It xvii- 

l-.iiii 'K placed 

..dlx IIP. 

far bexond tin- -It inlt r mean- of her 
Karl. N the whole 

ntiiutry was coiii|-lled t" 1'iix 
rlienp tea* (on which the grower lu.ik.- 
sn little profit I, with tin- n-Mill thiit many 
m tea-planter was in it fair way to ruin. 
Fir* i rite of 10 from tlir National 
Anti-Tea-lMy Isivjue.] 

" Sugar ? " she asked, with a smile. 

*' IHaui " cni.l 

.. II, tl, l:t,r'f M.jl,,,- will 
n. / enhance the e-lal>lish<il leput.ition of it> 

:'hoi. She ha- a pure, pictui. 
literary style, an excellent thing in 
m woman, rare ainmu; -m-h a- write i: 


Identity </ ./iiuf, by 

Mill till of 

imiuyuntled liy tin' 'Vim 


ronrrrt' >'ii i-ii/i tlnllni'/] 


:..itiir.d figure I 
.bifi ' at thf M" 

In-all h up. n ln-r check ; ami In.- admira- 
tion tiirinil i" x\"inlrr xvlirii In- relict-led 
-In- .li. I lint, like him-clf. lixc 
c\. lu-ixelx 'M \cgcUililc matter. N- 

ill 111.! 'H.11 which 

i tin- xx i-i|i.m ..f In- dietary. 
Mr I '.i HTJM 

.|r.l, ami \Vi\iH;i 

tamed i" In r ti- him. Little 

xxilli tin- kilti-n on 

Plean." said Lord 
"Oh dear," the saiil. with a pretty 
gesture of dismay, " I 'm afraid there 
iu't any ! ' 

-liaw, pshaw." aaid Lunl Am HIK. 
r <:,J,l mr,ial <uul 5 from thf National 

inj Isnijtit.] 

in so sorry," said \Vtxi FKEP. "That 
horrid Convi-ntinn, you know," she added 
vaguely. [Tr*timninl on vellum and 
5. from thf Fret Trade L'n'ton.] 

"My dear WISIFRKJ>," he l>egan 
expoKluLitinv'ly. "you sun-ly don't 
beUeve '[50 from Tariff Kef arm 

\t ! " said the K\T\, as her little 
Fli u.<i|ifiie<l theilinranil tixldled 
in. "in* l*fon- the child!" ' " Why 
ever nott If lnl AWIIIBAU> if n't going 
to quoit from <u- l".l7l>//i jxinifJilet I 
tri/A./niir the ,10." .Srr. T.K.I. 

I^ird AIKIIIK Mopped, ami fji-ntly 
stroked the hair of the litth- child. 
[Third prise of 1 from thf .Vnfin>i/ 
Soeitly for tilt Frerention of I 'ruelty to 

" \Vis\u: dear, won't you thing t home- 
think'' lithpe<l FlJ-TUTHlK 

" Please do," said A IK-HIE, politely . 
and \Vi\tntED moved to the piano, and 
Mru.-k a few notes carelessly. 

1, r.l AwHiBALt* tlioughtfully closed 
the window. [Tr*t'nnoni,tl from the 
Society for tht Prevention of Street 

Presently she began to sing. 
beautiful words rang out clearlx 

" I -rink to ne only with thia* cjm, 

And I will pledge with miop, 

Or tore * kiu within ihe cup, 

And I II no look lor wine" 

tin- lii-artlnu^. ^l|o^^il!J; that sympathy 


xvhich the xciy 
the I 

tiiit',1'1'" ll"n .>' 

.mil to all intent.- 


" \Vi\imi:|i." he I-^MII. "I liaxr 
tiling to --ax I" \"ii. You kno\\ what 
my pat has been. You know hxv I 
riinony in card-playing; 
. . . in dances ... in theatn 

MMIIIM .loMN ! :l contriv 

and clearly narrated -lory. It 
with a short. powerfully dramatic pro- 
ami the mystery, which is the 
outcome of it. i- well sustained until the 


i. ad.-r will I . i with the 

fate "f the mrum/fi il,n,n,i is xv ! 
impartial critic would he-itate to 

nor. |erhaps. will the experienced 

to whom the wax- of inclixlniina 
are familiar, l.e inclined t.. lie-tow tin- 
alxxavs fn-1 for i|iialilied prai-c on the not ali-oluti-ly 
'(./ nut i/nili- novel u-4- made ..f certain l'-k.-t- and 
,/' chains where long-lo-t heii. 
I iir concerned. Hut allowance In-ill^ 

for lli.--e property trinket-, and for the 
i la-- \ Ml. i. n. dismi cd liy the 
authoress as unmanageable, the 
humming to himself " My jiretly Jane, 
oh never link so shy!" xvill lie fairly 
-ted in the chief !. idvt-n- 


in drinking . . . (Smral pope* omtttai.) 

. . . How liitterly do 1 rue my follv 
now ! [Set rentU [ 1324 I >x. 1 i//. /,-,., 
rtiriim* " " foeietieg.l None the less 
do 1 dare now to ask you : Will 
make my life happy? Will you 

" ABCIHK! " she cried. . . . 

An hour later he left the house, and 
with the tact and thought fulness typical 
of the Bookman, jumped into an omni- 
bus without stopping the horses. [2 
unit I'fiiitir, ill- fiinii tin- \tilintinl - 
for the Prevention of ( 'rarity to ;\ n'tmals.] 

and xvill I I l,y the 

very natural humours of the x 

Is Peter' t Mother (SMITH, EIJ*:R). Mr-. 

HKSHY I>K i.\ IV-n RK has M-I her-elf tin- 
task of devising and chronicling the 
story of Conflict lietxveen the affections 
of a mother and the yearning of a 
still young widow for the love of man. 
Much is expected from the author of 
Deborah of Tod"*. My Haronite finds it 
here amply forthcoming. Whilst tin- 
tale is inten-sting not universally the 
: cnse of a modern novel the pages are 
alive with human character. Sir 7'niiof/ii/ 
i. Peter father, disappears early 
from the scene, but Dot till his personality 
'is strongly iniiilaiitnl in the mind of 
the reader. He leaves In-hind a son 
who inherits his Btuliliornnoss of dis- 
{Nwition and his pragmatical manner. 
Abo. two sisters, delightfully sketched. 
who wrv' the parts of light comrdy. 

ly an admirable foil to / 
r. xx ho in her character, her sin 
lings, and her method of facing 
them, faintly recalls the far-off lit 

iw, alack! forgotten I>awjliter of 

-. li 

M vi:-im i AI-I'.S I; n. .x.-l that 

: i-r can recommend 
<-ordially and xxith conlidi-nc.- t.. 
who like a really ^ XM II con- 

-tructed and excellently told. The 
secret for tlicr. n-t, and : 

interesting i. in-, i- adminilily kept up to 
the end. and the linal di-coxery of the 
Uxlie- of Sir 1,'mli-rii-l; H, ,-li-iuti and his 
wife, together with the jewels into which 
the Huronet, who was liy no i 
wicked, had co|i\erteil hi- ^reat Wi-alth. 
is an incident which, in it- en it.-mcnt, 
recalls the good days when nnvi-li-N 
thought more of telling an inter. 
M'.ry than of jmsing a ).rolilem, and 
leaving it without an ansxver. Mr. 
Mxiisiixtl. moniiver. has a vein of ipiiet, 
pleasant humour which is vt" 




THE W.MI. ..} mi. AMI MM 
Spare my felines ! 

MARCH 15, 1905.] 




IN view of the increased attention 
paid to health by all classes of the com 
niimity, Mi: Punch is glad to be able to 
recommend to his readers the super 
eminent attractions of the famous new 
health report of 1 lolceminore, where the 
magnilicent Hotel Hercules (Proprietor. 
M. KIO.I'.M: H.vcKKNsriiMih'r! has recently 
been established under the most favour- 
able auspices and ill the most en- 
cliaiitiiigly heaiitil'ul environs. 

holceminore, the ncwe.-l and most 
perfect cure resort, is a charming spot 
situated in the centre of the 1 hichy of 
Savov, not many kilometres from the 
historic town of Salsiecia di Polonia. 
To the south-east the hills rise up to the 
twin peaks of the Monte /ingaro. which 
gives an additional piquancy and verve 
to the scenery. 

The town, which is situated in an 

I open valley surrounded by foothills 

' covered with luxuriant boot-trees, holds 
the record of salubrity in the annals of 
hygiene. l!eri-beri is unknown in the 

! district, and during a recent epidemic 
nf inlhien/.a the genial priest, Padre 

i Mn cm Mi liKi. was heard to observe 
r,,r/> /li lldt-co! there are people 

i dying who never died before." 

The waters of Jlolceminore are the 
richest in the world in xylobalsamum, 
/iM'done, copra, verdigris, fresh-water 

i eels, acetylene, strychnine, and other 
Stimulating and exhilarating products. 
They are pumped up hourly by well- 
trained hydraulic rams to the Hotel 
Hercules, which enjoys the unique attrac- 
tion of enabling its visitors to take their 
baths in their own rix>ms, each bedroom 
being provided with a handsome flat 
bath, richly enamelled, and measuring 
Mi feet in diameter. 

The treatment consists of hot, tepid 
and cold baths, ammoniated quinine 
baths, sand-bunker baths (f(,r golfers), 
applications of hot mud, poached-egg 
baths, inhalations, embrocations and 

The results in all eases of chronic 
expansion of the tontine, berberis l>ar- 
winii, catalectic tetrameter, astigmatism 
of the lower mandible and acute ampe- 
1 ipsis, may fairly be termed marvellous, 
s i rapidly arc they felt. 

Patients arrive at the neighbouring 
station of Ciaringa ( 'nice carried in the 
arm.- of stalwart i-init/iilini. Before they 
have finished their cure they have 
dually been known to run off without 
stopping to pay their bills! 

The country surrounding Dolceminote 
bristles with features of extraordinary 
interest. Innumerable expeditions can 
be made in the neighbourhood, on foot, 
horse or motor, while the purity of 
the air renders it peculiarly suitable for 


i nut ill her firnl youth). " FIRST OF ALT. HE HELD MY HAND AND TOLD MY FORTUNE ; AND 



the evolutions of flying machines, para- ] 
chutes, balloons and other aerial imple- ; 
iiKMits. A line new golf course has been ! 
laid out in the neighbourhood of the 
Hotel, and its sporting character is suffi- 
ciently attested by the fact that it is one j 
of the few links in which it is always 
possible and often necessary to use a 
niblick oh every green. The record for 
amateurs is held by Prince BORIS of 
Bulgaria, whose score for the first nine 
holes was 224 not out. 

The Hotel Hercules, which is built in 
the feudal style with machicolated tran- 
s inies, choice rococo oubliettes, Armenian 
fire-escapes, &c., stands in its own 
grounds containing beehives, Alderney 
c >ws. donkey engine, pergola, Aunt ! 
Sally, holophote, and other amenities. 

The building has been designed and 
planned in consonance with the most 
modern principles of English architec- 
ture and hygiene. The kitchens are on ' 
the top storey, immediately under the 
roof garden, to which they communicate 
a delightful and appetising aroma. . 
Kvery bedroom is provided with (1) a 
gramophone; (2) a complete edition of 
the speeches of Sir EDWIN DUUNIXO- 
L \\VIIEXCE, M.P. Insomnia and coma 
can thus be faced with equal impunity. 

1 Hiring the months of April to 
November the services of the famous 

pifferari of Monte Zafferano have been 
exclusively retained to play at all meals. 
To meet the wishes of anti-carnivorous 
clients a vegetarian restaurant has been 
added to the establishment, and special 
terms are arranged for beanfeasts. 

Breakfast (with tea, coffee, or fr. 

coco for the hair) from 1.50 

Do. (on the roof garden) ... from 3 
Light Luncheon (cold meat, 
pickles, shortbread, rational 

cheese) from 4 

High Tea from (5 

Do. (in the Holophote) 7.50 

Dinner (with Pifferari ) 10 

Do. (without Pifferari) 12.50 

THERE is no foundation for the report 
that Mr. C. ARTHUR PEARSON, on resigning 
his post as Vice-Chairman of the Tariff 
Reform Committee, has been raised to 
the Peerage as Viscount HIDLEY. 

THE Cockney who said he valued 
Switzerland for its mountain hair has a 
supporter in a writer in the Irish 
1 it<l<'i>t'iident, who remarks: " There are 
many mountains in the country now 
bare and desolate whose bro\\s, rf 
whiskered with forests, would present 
a striking appearance." 

vor. nx\vni 

1 si- 

ll || n|; T1IK l.MMx.N < 'II A II I \ A K I 




\\ill ha\ M llial 

.,f the 

'f HoHEBCHWim.. K which - I all !!. 
: !y nineties. Hilt the 

lie pan | .-Htm.- I iv .1 simple 

cherry -alow has ' -elect three or f.-m in the 

immediate "f II. T - \rrhnexN. My own 

injuriously ! intimacy with tin- now An -h Prince Consort 
. f H..HIXX HIIJ P.iMiuastcrof Kiiural.mia 

was at oooe the cause f my admittance <> this secret nnd a 
Uir ii> inx disclaim- 'if it. .V.Ji/. ' Hut tin 

.. late Kidcr. ami tin- stnvessioii of In- daughter 
' tlx- Arch-M>vervigntv, release nu- from tin- obligation t" 
withhold my privileged information fnnu tin- 
; ' | './.... 

For a long time en- my l.rief -tory open* the Lit. 
King of HoaMKHWIU l * k ha<l 1 k.<l with O|H-II i|i-f;i\.nir 

on tl liy the Hereditary I'. stmaster of tin 

neighbouring Principality of Kiturulain.i to his only child ami 
heiress in tail-female. It is true that through his inairrnal 
grandmother la Ix-vaiitine Sultana > the royal lil..l of 
Tni:m.\K coursed in his veins, rendering him technically 
eligible for the hand of the Arch-Princess. Hut lie "as ]*<r 
ana taint.-d with Liberal tendencies, and his presence 
guest at the Court of Hohcn.schwillbuck was only tolerated 
on the ground of his philateli-tic tastes, which were shared 
by the Arch Monarch. Indeed, at the present momentous 
juncture he was only staying on to see the t 'Id Ve-ar out i n 
the : securing a set of the fresh issue of stamps 

which was to appear on New Venn's I hiv. 

The heart of the Arch-PriiuvHo (nu orgitn which often 
meets with but ncnnt consideration in the higlieut Court 
circles) was divided lietween passion for her unacknowledged 
suitor, and a filial regard for her royal father's wi-lu--. tin- 
latter feeling IHMIII; ani ntuated liy fear of the rigours of 
.rt eti<|iietle. 

A |.re\ to imlei-isioQ, -In- determined to have recourse to 
cheiromancy, a / . n.-Aun/ for which she had inherited from 
her mother, who had dahhled in the Hlack Art-. Accord 
ingly. on the aftciiKon of New Year's K\e. heavily veih*<l and 
.led only liy a tiring- woman in whose discretion she re- 
ptwcd a j-rfii t ii.ntiileiice. she Ix-nt her stej) by obscun- 
side-streets to the Mi-ret consult iug-room of a fortune-teller. 
whose |. ser\ i< -es were strictly talxi at Court. 

" It is iin|r.sili|e." siid the magician, after cl.^-.-lv e\iimining 
the 1> .! of her right ear and the lines on the lull of her 
left thumb, " to diiworiate your destiny from that of a man 
inferior in station, with dark hair and an hereditary 
leaning toward the pursuit of letters. Your fate will turn 
upon the numerical contents of a cherry-pie. This year 
nextyear^-KMii'-tmic never." With thew- wnnl-. suspiciously 
indicative of a clear acquaintance with the f.n u. though SOUK- 
what enigmatic in tin- |--i..i.,!i. n (..r anyone that was not 
(as was the An-h-lVini-e-s with the language of 

augury, he t<k his fee anil di-im--.-<l her. 

As If istreHH and maid- for the latter had assisted at this 
trancf threaded their way lack In the Palace, the former 
enjoyed a certain sense of rJief. She felt that the solution 
of a harassing dilemma had been taken out . .[ her hands by 

a higher DOWer. to whom she W;IH n.ntcnl to leave the i,- 
ewir -o with the maid, whose fertile drain, fed on 

the rumours of Court scandal, was already d.-\ i-mn a -. 
for assisting Fate. 

If it .1..- not i-otiie ri^lit the lir-t time, your Archi 
liii^ht tr\ a s.-o.nd hel|.n. lid. 

1 :. -plied tin- Princes* ; " lulling 

initliil my^-lf to the control <.f l'.--tin>. 1 will i.. 
lain|>-r with it- pr.-.--s< - 

niitN. howe\.-r. \\howaslri.uliled l.\ m. Mich t! . L-tuary of the Chief 

Hutler. a r.-tn M.tjor of the I hlans of th.- (I. 

inch the Arch Princess was her-cll Colonel in Chief, 
irrior had long entertained an undisguised regard 
for the ligure of hi- Colonel's maid; and. ilatlcred li\ 
coiitidenci s ami l.y the hint that his own suit would 
-utT.-r li\ an\ :. might render to her mistres- 

iindert'k - far t^ waive his dignity as himself to pi. 

::d put exactly t\\cnt\ one cln-rri.- on the plate 
of the Arch I'm 

Having secured this promi p, I ,i \ stole to tin- apart 

menls n[ lh>- I!ere<litar\ Postmaster ami left on his dressing 
lalile the following pregnant nn---age : " 1'iYpare for the { 
Kl. 'pement li\.d for In. 'Ml I-.M." llalf-an-hoiir lal.-r t In- 
happy II.MT instructed his vale) that ln> plans were clianged ; 
he would lease that evening. He further handed him a tc-N- 
gram in cipher, addressed to the priest of a little village 
l..-\ I the liorder. in Hituralaiiia. 

1 luring the earlier p : the lumpi.-!, which was 

served at .". .".u P.M. ai-conling to the immemonal rnstom of the 
Bohcnocbwillbock Court, the Arch Princess, who had Ix-en 
niU-d l>\ her maid in a conf.-vtiou which might \>:\ 
for a dinner-gOWU and a going-awa\ .re an air of 

abstracted lisllessness. In vain her neighl-oiir. a diplmuat 
from the Near Blast, attempted to dissipate IMT pallor with 
i iriental liadinage. At lenurlh the sweets wen- served, and 
as the Arch-Princess liegan t<i devour the ridiy ln-ni. 
was vagin-ly aware of the Chief Hutler's eye din-cted to her 
plat. -over her left shoulder. It showed a curiously anon;. 
trait in the character of one who had always anticipated the 
conclusion of a romance liy reading the la-t i-hapter ln>t 
that with such important p. i n.J i--ne- at stake she \<-t hail 
the iiuin-liiiliiiiff to defer tlie counting of the >tones till she 
had dis|Ked of their edible i-o\ering. 

Suddenly she heard a suppressed oath. She had pi 
the last of the cherries i-lill uncounted' in her mouth umf 
HO stone leaf forthi-miii ///;.' Kitln-r she had inadvertently 
swallowed it, or it had never lieen there, or else could it 
have Uen some devilry on the part of II v\-. the head f. ot- 
nuill, long suspii-led of e-pi. iiiage. who coiiceixalily had 
heard all in the Arch-pautry, had then alislracted the -' 
and by a fiat of legerdemain "force<l" the hollowc<| chi-rry 
u|Kin his colh-ague as the pie was lieing s,-r\ed 'i 

Kach of these tin ipidly through the lirain of 

the Chief Hutler. Hut it was no time for the eon-id. -ration 
of cause*. The Arch-Princess was air. ady U-giiining '" 
count the stones, and action was im)>eralive. To seize the 
iinfinished plate of the diplomat from the Near 
restore it under pressure ol l<>ud expostulations, having 
withdrawn from it a single cherry stone; to touch the I 
plate, as if to remove it. with the word-. V 
Arch: n invitation |>cnnitted liy the Efohenaaliwillbock 

Proticiil. Kut .me which he well-knew that she would an 
in the negative .<unl to slip the stone from under his ihiimli 
among the twenty others all this was the work of a moment. 
taking even 1, time than I ha\cs|,cnt in dictating the a 
passage to my typi-t. 

.1 .in;/. /./;./.- .one instant." said the Arch Pi. 
and finished counting up to twenty <>n,-. Then, a- he again 
In-lit low over her to take the plate away . he -au a warm llnsh 
mantling her chi-ek and heard her murmur I., herself. - Tin- 
Am! that mean- t. -night, for t,. m,,rrow 
i- Ne-.. I lay ! " 

Astheladi.s retired, she passed clow- by tin- ller.ililary 

irxni, OK TIII-: r.oxixtx CHARIVARI. M/uwa 15, i '.>.-,. 


fi- H'jlman Hunt's Cdebralcd Picture.) 

MAKC.-I I.', 1905.] 






"TllEN, SlfMMY llEiR, HOW IM) Till' MII.K IT?" 

Postmaster and whispered, "You will fly. with me to-night." 
To which he replied, sotto voce, "All shall be in readiness 
at 10 P.M., back door. Bring your jewels." 

The flight of the two lovers an hour later in a pair-horse 
postehaise, and their marriage across the border at 11.30 on 
the same night, have long been matters of public knowledge. 
But the affair of the cherry-stone I am privileged to be the 
first to give to the world in the pages of the Balmoral 

As for GRETCHEV, she quickly followed the Arch-Princess, 
and was in turn followed by the Chief Butler. Both were 
welcomed into the menage of the eloping couple, and them- 
selves became man and wife ; and under the new regime they 
have received, in consideration of their services, the respective 
posts of Burnt Almoner to the Arch-Prince Consort, and 
Mistress of the Spare-Bedchamber. In addition to this reward 
the ex-Chief Butler always wears a scarf-pin, mounted with a 
polished cherry-stone MM in mhies, the gift of his grateful 
Master. ( ). S. 

DKATII IIY INSTALMENTS. A Northern paper says : " Mr. 
Km STAIN, a fanner residing at Topcliffe, near Thirsk, has 
a cow which has just given birth to a calf with two heads 
and necks. The latter subsequently died." We hope the 
heads will live long. 

FUOM A PAIII.IAMKNTAKY RKWUT. "At one point an Irish 
.Member, who must have been studying Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S 
face, considerately warned Mr. LYTTELTON that he was 
' putting his foot in it badly.' " 


[The Prime Minister visited Cambridge on Saturday to record his vote 
for the abolition of compulsory Greek iu the Little-Go. Daily Paper.] 

IT was a Doubty Premier, 

To Cambridge he did go ; 
Where men of " Stynx " had made a match 

'Twixt him and 6 >J TO. 

A Little Goes a longish way 

When driven straight and true ; 
And ARTHUR'S ball fa's on the green, 

And makes the hole in two. 

But in the rest of that great round,- 

(A wondrous tale we tell) 
His ball was bunkered hard and fast 

At every place it fell. 

For tifteen hundred Parsons bold, 

Hidden about the links, 
Made living bunkers of themselves 

To stem the tide of Stynx. 

And so we bless the gallant band 

That played for 6 17 TO ; 
For, though our Greek be little, we '11 

Not let that Little Go. 

A PATHETIC APPEAL. " I possess a splendid singing bird, 
but no feathers will grow on it. Can anyone tell ine of a 
remedy for this?" B. C. in the Evening Jvetrs. 

1TN< | 


MM.. -ii 15, 1905. 


Ciivritit IV. 

viftly along |st Hyde I '.irk i 
.,,[ id,, i brain was 

I. Inn of 1 

uid kilo-kin. 'it of 

1 id,- U-ing pain i-d .'IT 

Public a- " edueati-d " 

l,i|. li;|M "ell knoWII 

Public -- of tlifin. for licit matter ' Ami if 

I'.ll ' blllOt 

1 . - i ' '..' 

n few minute*. -i! I ^mng .1 rliun-v '<' 

i i i. M 

Wit!. lire PVM in W-KI, I i-miM | ; 

evtr.d i BO; 1 "iild play billiard-, 

in. I bn-i. .iv well. Init mar\ollou-ly fur :i 


The only n-k ahead I saw was I'MVII i-. She inigbto'l like 
the until in i>f any moiikov of li-rs |>crformiiu? nightly :it the 
Palace ,.r th.- i She might consider it would deprive 

! decided not 

n her :ill ill B, but an iiM-m ln-r t.. it 

. if all flu 1 would naturally notice a sort of distinction 
about me; she would roali-o tliat I poaaened tact tad miro'ii- 
faire, an ease >f manner which no piano-organ can impart. 
Thru, when she li.i<l learnt to res|Hvt mo. I coiil.l reveal 
my accomplishments gradually, our liy one. and she would 
to .i.ln.ii that such talonls as mine ought not |.. !.. 
wasted in obscuritv tlioy U-longod not to her, Init to tin- 
whole Worl.l ' 

It was a tut of a bunker that, as yet. 1 1 not talk 
intelligibly hut I wan sure to hit upon some method of 
conveying my ideas before long ami then 1 could inform 
I'm 1 1 is tli. it I had quite made up my mind to go on the stage. 

Sin- was too sensible to stand in my way especially if] 
offered her a commission on my salary say. ten | or cent.. 
which, even if I was making no more than two hundred 
a week, would lw> a welcome addition to her porkct- money. 

Should I ever reveal to her the secret of my identity ? It 
would be a temptation some day to let her know that the 
hrilliant and wealthy monkey who was the darling of Society 
and the idol of the Public had once IM-OU her rather shi;- 
and unsatisfactory cousin HKUIVVIJI. Still, pcrhap- it was 
better she should ne\ or -u-|vt the truth. It would put the 
family in a demed awkward position. No. HK....IK KVI.I.IMORK 
wan U-llor dead. I would u-o his di-ad self. as -<.nie | 
Inhnny (Mll.Tov. isn't it ? or SIUK-I-I M:I: - - puts it. "a- a -top 
lidder to something higher." 

Hy the titiM- I had mine to thi> division, the carriage 
l*<l at my aunt'-, house in (' ( iardcns and I 
-h.dl never forget MvlKiW the hutler's face as ('llvm hande<l 
me t<i him hy the scruff of my nock. 

"It i Mias PH\UI.-'> monkey. M \iitow." i-\|.l.iiini| my 

aunt, with an anxiety to dix.\\n all responsibility for 

that was not flattering. 'And, I'HVIIIS deanfit, if you intitt 
on having it in the drawing-room, hadn't you letter 

I failed to catch the n-st. but 1'im.i is n-pliei). "Well, 
perhaps it miijhl lie aM well. MAI now. will you take him to 
nd ask her to to wa-h him for me and 
M-nd him into the dr.iwing-rooni '! " 

KKISWKII, I fancy, was not altogether chummy \\ith M M i;..\\ 
just then ; at all e\ i-nK she I. .Id him il H.I- " i .. pait of I,,-,- 
work to biith a little of a monkey ." and nxonimendrd 
him Btrungly to do it hm,-, If 

Hut h'-tinn.-d me over in the under >cnl|er\ maid 
.van Kiiiff\ 

'I'.. U- held under a tap in a -ink. -..u-.'.| unh i-old water, 
and -, rul'U-d with U-.i-.lly yellow ,-<vip and a most infernal 
i brush, i ..icily the kind of treatment I 

-!..imi| to. .-\.-n under my aunt's roof but I showed no 

incut. 1 thought 1 probably required it. 

It was IIMT at la-t. and in a condition of almost ofTensive 

rle.r ' l".itlie the s II of \ellow MSIp lll\-clf -o 

depi lirH and <|C|K filed oul-ide the 

dniwing r."iii door, which MM i;o ii|x-ncil for me. 

Mv bull- plaid IIIMIC Uen burnt. ~i I had abeoloteb 

nothing on but the leather belt. One can t gel rid of one's 
prejudices all at one.', and though I kn.-w that e\en thi- 

iine wouldn't be Considered at all milrr in my j-i- 
ruse. 1 did fii-l just a little bit shy aUiut going in. After 
all. though. 1 "a- one of the family, and I rc-ol\ed to saunter 
in unconcernedly. "il who had the right to fii I at 

Whether Naliin- ng for me. or whether I got a 

le push from " I can't say. but I'm afraid 

that, as a matter of fact. I shambled in anyhow on all foiii.- 

" You run'/ say he i~n'l clean IKKC. Munis!" cried I' 
i In- a pi-rfecl .ni^.-ly I think I must ha\e some new- 
clot he> made for him lie '11 look frightfully sweet in them ' 

1 thought I should look all right if she would only let me 
go to my own tailor, who. though a trifle !<> given to ; 
for immediate payment. /"<* understand my tiguie but how 
her his addn-s-s? She said a lot more aUiut 
me. till at la-t, not being n.-ed to such O|HMI admiration 
i especially from her I began to feel a bit embarrassed; il 
enough to turn most monkeys' heads. To cover n y 
confusion. 1 wandered round I he room, just a- 1 -liould have 
done if I had remained m\ old -.-If. looking at tin- and that. 
taking up an article here and there, lingering il. and putting 
it down again. Then I sal on the music -ti.l and -truck a 
few careless chords on the piano. I had meant to play them 
as much ns I could remember of the > 'hm-i.-- 1 - > - \Vnlt2." 
but my fingers had all pot so fumbly that 1 couldn't 
any time in particular. Hut that would come back to me, 
with practice. 

Pirru.lS was highly amused, at lir.-t. by my | erfonnanco. 
but she did not appear to think it showed any marked 
musical ability. If she hnd, she would not have insisted 
on my leaving off so toon ' 'i C one a hint from her 
was enough for me. and I got off the musk -t...l and 
retired to a sofa without, I hope, letting her si-c how deeply 
-he had disap|Hiinted me. I ti>ok up the nearest Society 
journal and liegan to glance through it with a show of 
interest. Not that I really cared two straws how Luly MOVH 
Ihvi'i l' LI.'- -mall dance had gone off. or who were letting 
their hou-e- t ..] A-. ,i ui-ck. or going to have a houseboat at 
Henley 1 seemed now to have got -o far beyond all that ' 
Hut 1 was determined to make 1'ini i i- understand that I had 
illtellei lual tastes. 

However, it was u deuced tricky pa) er to ma 
especially as my feet would keep mi Irving to turn over the 
pages instead of leaving it to my hands. Si I am not sure 
that PBTLLM quite took in I he fact that I a- actually reading, 
and, whatever it was I did lead. I can't lemembor a I 
f it now. 

But all of a sudden, a- I ^at there. M M II"W appeared and 
announced: "Mr. HIIVMII " and MHO enough, in walked 
old MOXTV. irreproachably got up a- usual! 1 was a bit 
staggered at first, for I wasn't aware he knew my aunt / 
hadn't introduced him. 

Then it struck me ,il, ;l he had come. He had heard of my 
di cease and volunteered to break the -ad new- to my family 
It "a- | nl of him. ically though 1 would rather 

it lad been anyUdy el-o. |(. Q (,iil>e|. 

wouldn't ha\e tru-led dear old MoN'Mto bleak the death of 
a 1 luel little witholil ^tof.o/l- ,o\v. 

MM:, i, If,. IQOfi 

PUNCH, OR THK LOMinN ( 11 \l!l\ AIM. 


He couldn't see In-hind the |>:i| >>r. 
and, as [ couldn't be of much assistance 
to him, 1 lay doggo, being naturalh 
curious to hoar how he would prepare 
them for the shock, and IKAY they 

especially PHTLUB would bear up under 

it. F. A. 


h'i-H\. \\liosf liuaiircs were declared 
the other day to be at their last elili, has 
just paid 65,000 into the I'oggcr Hank. 


A lady, upon hearing of the resigna- 
tion of Mr. \YYNIHIVM. remarked tliat slie 
was sorry, as she always admired his 

Lord KI.I.I:XIIOI:OI (i:i thinks that the 
most favourable opportunity for an 
enemy to invade our shores would be a 
Saturday or Sunday preceding a Hank 
Holiday, when we should all be merry- 
making. But surely the danger is greater 
on Boxing hay, when the entire nation is 
groaning under the burden of its Christ- 
mas dinner? 

Mr. BAI.HK ii. however, has stated that 
an invasion of England is an impossi- 
bility. Still, to make assurance doubly- 
sure, an Aliens Bill is to be passed. 

Some surprise has been expressed 
that Earl CAWIXHI, the Chairman of the 
Great Western Hallway Company, should 
have been appointed First Lord of the 
Admiralty. It seems to be forgotten 
that the has for many years past 
successfully run steamboats between 
England and the Channel Isles. 

In view of the appointment of Earl 
CAWDOK, the Chairman . of the South- 
Eastern and Chatham Railway is now 
said to look upon the War Office as 
his natural reversion. 

The Rhinoceros dinner at New York, 
made possible by the generosity of 
Prince HENRY of Prussia, was not a great 
success. The idea was witty enough, 
but the indigestion which followed was 
no more acute than the result of (lining 
oil the average German beef. 

Mr. LijOYD-GEORtiE declares that Mr. 
Bu.i OUR has no settled convictions except 
that he is the right man for the Premier- 
ship. Still, Mr. LLOYD-GEORGE'S party 
have not even decided this point for them- 
selves in the event of a change of ivyime. 

Meanwhile, a sanguine section of the 
front Opposition Bench has already 
prepared a scheme for the re-organisa- 
tion of the Army not, we understand, 
because the Army needs it, but because 
our glorious system of party govern- 



Delightful Foreigner (wishing to be polite). " INDEED -INDEED I HAVE, AND I ASSfRE YOU I 


ment must be kept up. Linked bat- 
talions are the main principle of the 
scheme. The Liberals declare that they 
will have no difficulty in supplying 
the missing links. 

By-the-by, a certain Government 
contractor, of Rye, is evidently con- 
vinced that a change of Government is 
approaching, for his trade catalogue 
contains the following announcement : 
" I have a great quantity of good second-hand 

of all sizes, from 10*. to 25. each." 

The opening of a Nelson Widows' 
Relief Fund has led a usually ill-in- 
formed continental contemporary to 
assert that the hero of Trafalgar was 
a man who married both recklessly 
and profusely. 

The Saturday Review points out that 
we liave no statue of BACON in London. 

We believe it is an open secret that, 
were it not that it would look too much 
like an advertisement, our public-spirited 
friend Sir THOMAS LIPTON would be 
willing to present one to the Metropolis. 

" Sir HENRY IRVINO," we read, " is 
making satisfactory progress." We wish 
that the same could be said of many 
other actors. 

The Accrington lady who was recently 
rescued from premature burial has been 
appearing nightly on the variety stage 
at Rochdale. She was certainly more 
fortunate than the gentleman who, on 
rising to protest when his coffin was 
being nailed down, was rudely pushed 
back by the undertaker's men with the 
explanation, " Orders is borders." 

FROM the Twentieth Century 
Dictionary; fiiVBOMB. A surgeon who 
uses X-ravs. 



15. 1906. 

.IKW win; HMTK. 

than lrti, 



the thing. 

in acmotaace with a 

Mr. V. 

K.Mt*Mi wan doubt f 

iletight fully wdl-ltmi 

er-jnal charm* 
iy. indeed?" 

was quit* 

force*** in one of 

ne of her 
hat sound 
" after 
interfere with 


note of the delicious phraae on my cuff, 

.ing kn.4 in my handkerchief to 
d done BO. 

" I then 

..1 Lurtnat 

ntatiw of a gnat family. 

acna, speaking of the 
Pm-tnlr-^ piugraanms u. the reprewmta- 
tire ""' ' 

i k Houa*. which stands 
w itbin the ahadow ,J * JanWa Palace 

cWlt with in a novel, would not 
of na who are by way of being 

of books be junifi- 
to aneh a situation aa outside __ 

the range of prUbihti? i he helps me m ewry way. 1 believe 

And yt the fact ia as solid aa St., i. beJBg unique I want to be known 
Paul's- Lady Y-nc is a Socialist. She . the only really practical sincere earnest 
told me ao herself in two interviews Suciafiat who owns 23.000 acrea." 
I was privileged to have with her - How charmingly put ! And 



remarked: - d.. I 

," raid Lady Yonrx. " I don't 

-wcialWri mean* anything draatic 

like that. And of coarse there is Lord 

to conaider. Lord 


. - 

am in favour of everything sn'ial- 
* just irtic." Lady ToncK said, "except "here 

in an ttUHtmm drab existence. 

The Brat W* place at her . , 

before dinner, to which 1 was not asked ; I ruse and took off my hat, which, bang 
to slay, and the other in the early after- a Sociafat too, I had retained" except 
nooa a day or two afterwards. Strange the abohtion of the Monarchy. Every- 
to aay. when one calk on Lady Yonnc one should hare bread, unless ther, 

in thia way. 



be gimi a 
but I was wrong. 
of rhetoric 

not treat one as not enough 
an audience. I I should reo 
ly expected that far alL One 
platform and I 
*>it below her; 

to go round, in which 

. Equal rights 
two votea. and 

emnme to have the chance of spending 
Christmas in Paris." 

Anything in the "Ah yea," 1 murmured. "Paris: 1 
is impossible to remember 

am hoping that we may see < 
OR oocuuist scQtun^ot UDDIUBH 
quiet and conversational fashion which the young men of Oxford and Cambridge, 
expect* from the well-bred man or and" indeed, in all the Universities 

throughout the world." Lady Yotj 
continued. " I was much cheered the 
by reading of the joke prc- 

Thia seemed to me wry strange, 
It ia neceaaary to aay ao much, as in 
reporting what in said on economic or other day 

. al anbiecU there may be a ang- ' pared for the Mayer of Cambridge bv 

. i - / - 

of speechifying 

- Rut yon would pay the ttaf ' 
" The interviewers f " 
< interviewing iuowarewar 

could I aiy no? 

. ahaD be our interviewer - ia - , 
chief." amid thia gracious lady. 

The remainder of the detune." Lady 
".*. t continoed. " I would spend in 
ay that would he likely t<> reaolt 
n Labour men obtaining seat* in PariL*- j 

<<>cra AKH. far example. I would 
that be had a motorcar to take him i 
luwn to the Hoase every night. 1 w. -uld , 
>uild a great rewde: 

dose to the House. There is 
ro thine I would not 

..i> quite given UD what we | 
leacribe as aoaety," Lady VOXK% con- 
dnned. in a whisper that still thrill* me. 
hough I have written many article* I 

tded into two parts 

those who bore and three who are , 
lored. I have always tried not to belong 
o the first sect km. and have deriden 
not to belong to the second. On the | 
other hand, although not a multi- 
millionaire. I am doing all I can 

the Socialist cause. 
I have taken a flat in 
Victoria Street." 
-Indeed?* I exiad. 

1 'onld you think .f an;. 
more energetically socialistic than that ? 

uld take (L 

Victoria Street the succea* of the great 
ovement would be assured 
After BIT charming hoateas had written 
T graciona nan*. "Met* Yoncx," on 
my other caff, as a memento of the day, 
the interview ended. Aa I paaaed out 
between die row* of footmen aO. I have 
no doubt. Socialists to the core I began 
io icafise that a strange thing had 
happened in the social life of England. 

wholly alien 

to the individuality of one of the best- 
mannered, aa well as one of the moat 
beautiful women of our own day. 

On the 

shown into a room on the ground floor 
of Yorick House. An excellent portrait 
of King KirtTjuto catches the eye, and 
another of hinwelf and the Prince of 
WJUJB autographed "Gmtcc." I am 
shown op to the d 

first floor, where Lady YOHCK. n a 
charming evening gown of pink rrrpr- 
Jf-chint, comes forward to greet me 
an embodiment of queenly dignity and 
youthful viva. 

Lady Y*K K. in thit rich low pene- 
trating aristocratic voice which real 
ladies use to joornaliata, at once confided 
to me her doubts aa to whether a 

of the young men. If they are ao 
friendly as to jest with the Mayor, they 
are well on the road to Socialism. 

What would I do if I were a multi- 

of my fin* visit I_am millionaire? I would spend every penny 
of it on the Socialist movement. For 
one thing, I should like to see them in 
of a big hall, huge enough to 
modate manv thousands of people 

dHow splendid that would be! " 
rawing-room on the I < ]y input. 

" Ah yes. ( Hympia. Think of Olympb 
full of thousands of people, that's 


- In the aecpnd place. I wonkr start a 
nenapapei which sbonld not be anbjer 
to the changing moods of cranks ant 
faddist*, but should be ran on absolutely 
Socialiatic lines. The mistake abou 
papers to-day ia that they pay. Mine 
shoiiM never pay. 

a any right to look queenly. 
It was alao a little on her mind, ike amid 

: ght haT b< 

i*d differently. 

THE Chairman of a political meeting 
in the North in the course of his speech 
said. "Our opponent ia one of the 
cleverest and moat unscrupulous 
eiaaa in this country, but. thank 

as. Gentlemen, our candidate is well 
able to beat him on his own 
The candidate wi 

Faun the Svttingham Ltoily Ezprttu 

STRAYED. Tbnradar tfttmxm, tram 
bt-s^itM. 8eodi CaJBs 
A nrow iilaiiai matt Io Halloa Polk* 
ill be rewsnfad ; if not t 
.!r will be ptricnj if 

Who will be prosecute. why ? 

Thia ia wane than the lady or the tiger. 


adds, " Used in the IWal Baths. 

MABCH"!.'.. 1905.] 

PI-NTH, OR THK I.nMioN < II \KI\.\KI. 



Oi'R special Parliamentary Corre- 

nt in St iirg send* u- a 

detailed report of the opening sitting of 

the first Zemskie Sobor. 

The HOII-- w;i- ii. ,t at its full strength. 
| many memU-rs for outlying ci 

- l-in^' j.n-\.-nt-<l friiin appearing 
I owing to the general cessation of traffic 
on most of the Stale railway-. A large 
number i>{ < >pp~itii.n deputies w- 
unavoidably detaine<l in Silx-ria. 

Tlie Session wa> fi/nually <>|-ii*-d with 
prayers and misgiving-;. ;ifter which 
notice was given of the introduction of 
various Bills. Among ot i 

F;itlier I iAi.v. Bill to provide additional 
emergency exits from the Russian 

H.I.H. the Grand Duke VLAWMIR. Bill 

to provide for the acquisition of 

additional shooting ranges on the 

s.i Prospect, Palace Square, Ac. 

Admiral ROZHDESTVEXSKV. Bin for ex- 
tending the close time for cod and 
other deep-sea fish, with especial 
reference to trawling. 

The Commander H.I. Majesty's warship 
Aurora. Bill to discourage marks- 
manship in the Russian Navy. 

The Governor of Warsaw. Bill for pro- 
viding home employment for de- 
serving Cossacks. 

The most gracious speech from the 
Throne touched briefly on the general 
features of the situation. The, deputies 
were congratulated on the fact that the 
Empire was at peace with most of the 
great Powers, and it was satisfactory to 
be able to relate that the Russian Govern- 
ment was still hopeful of being able to 
institute order and guarantee personal 
safety among the inhabitants of the 
Macedonian vilayets. Following on 
its custom of keeping a fleet in far 
Eastern waters the Government had 
despatched a naval squadron in that 
direction to replace other vessels which 
had become obsolete owing to the im- 
provement in modern heavy artillery. 
However much the honourable House 
might be disposed to criticise the ex- 
penditure involved by this expedition, 
there was this consolation, that it was 
likely to yield them a rich and intimate 
store of information concerning the 
marine fauna, coastal currents, shoals, 
-oundings and atmospheric pecu- 
liarities of the island of Madagascar r-uch 
as the Imperial Institute of Science and 
Geography had never before possessed. 
(Some cheer*.) It was further announced 
that in order to emphasise the spirit of 
humility in which a religious ceremony 
should be approached, the Blessing of I 
the Neva would not on future occasions 
be conducted from a raised pavilion. It I 




was even possible that, in deference to 
the expressed wish of many of the 
participants, a special trench would be 
dug for the purposes of the function. 
(Thif announcement produted hearty 
satisfaction on the Ministerial benches.) 

At this stage of the proceedings the 
Leader of the Opposition movel the 
adjournment of the House, remarking 
that it was now three o'clock. The 
Premier refused to accept the motion, 
whereupon the Leader of the Opposition 
walked out, observing as he went, " It 's 
timed to go off at a quarter pact." 

A few minuter Liter a Member of the 
Ministerial party drew the attention of 
his Leader to the fact that the Opposition 
benches were conspicuously empty. The 
Premier hastily accepted the motion for 

The House rose at a quarter past three 
with a terrific detonation. After search- 
ing among the ruins till a late hour the 
Premier, who had left by an early door, 
announced to a Press representative that 
he had been obliged to abandon the task 
of reconstructing his Ministry. Perfect 
| order reigns at St. Petersburg. 

TIIK i."M><>\ ' 11AI: 

'.{rr'.ft. "1 WILL MY TOW FOS IllU, 'E DO tOOI THE (. 

On, this is the lay of the hansom of Lmdon that Rtopa up the 

h\-wav .>r crawl-, in the street ; 

An.l I pray that its fare, may IK- fewer and fewer, its end may 
In- swift, its extinction complete. 

f,,r the horse when a fare's to be pounced on. a 
skim from a carnage, a shave from a cart ; 
In-fore you < an murmur "h'k out! it ha.s got yoa. 

I... the two .1. r~ 11 y by magic apart ; 
l! ut ,|., t|y quite as they ought to. and so you must 

squirm and n ake circles and just wriggle in. 
With a print of the tyre on the tail of your coat and a bruise 

on the tcnderest purl of your shin. 

And you <rmii|le your h -t on the edge of the window, the 
.iff with a jerk in hin trot . 

i much ifor there's no one to hear), but 
l" '11 wager long '-Ids that you 're thinking a lot 

Then your fingers impair the two doore as he shuts them. 

o fwrt M a ship in B gnle ; 
And you catrh a nd glinapw of your face in the mirror and 

f'm'l yniirM -If 1 ..king remarkably pale. 
You feel, an you hump from the *t to tin- ceiling, you ought 

to he tr-l out y. n 'n- fr.i*;ile as th-lf, 
While the cabman din- me at a 'bus and the 'busman 

Tlien. a ran rtopping abort, you go bang on ita tailboard ; 
!.% in the van doe bto own bttla Lit 

...lUxiins .rfaunM in words 

'.. though they Mnke him as wit ; 

And your tin- font malorwn, iv,- carnal 

hints on the came of the oaffli, 

And. his l.ors.- U-iiiK stuck an.l no progress perodtWd, K 

joy to his lei<uiv l>y u-ing the lash. 

NYxt out of this welter of vans and inve<-the. tin- rha 

caniu-n and 'busmen and I 
You ,*.-.IIH.. hohlinK ..n lit.- Krim th-ath to th- cushions, t 

uiKi-sint of cub-talk and whipcord and n 
\nd vou sk:,lr down tlu- hills an.l you skid round th- 

en; you take every refuse R8 near as be blowed, 
\,,d vou scatter the ini'ii and y.. fright.-!! the women, who 

90 ill despair on the er,.\vn < I the 
Yourrabimin still aims at his !.; ;h it gall. 

misses In- horsi'. but lie eateli. - yur eve 
And you feel, as your list dashes up through the trap* 

that fun f"r the .-jiider means death to the tly. 

Hm at 1. il,- end: yon collide with the kerbstone; 

vour h<ir>e ehitt.T- down ; there is nothing to graD, 
S, vou land on xo,,r but before yon hav landed 
vou've time to give thanks that yon 're out of the eab. 

OXF. REASOX isc..i.i NTH. is OKFF.I;; " 1'he !<<' 
whieh was admirably illustrated, wa- most intereslin 
to the faet that hnndreds were unable to gam 

./urn. ic 

tnumm. The Em ! iivTti-in.-iit of the 

enUtW T!,? Mania* of WVKam Aih,- upi- -an-i 
<m AB!I Wednssday. 

1'UNCH, Oil THE LONDON ( 'IIAIM VAHf.- MAR 15, 1005. 



MARCH 15,* 




ExTRACM.h Klliui TOE DlAllY OF ToIlY, M.P. 

nf i 'IIIIIIIIIIIIH. Monday im/lii. 
I.Vijarded simply as a matter of tactic- 
<ld vou tliink it well done lliat a great 
political party, mi the eve of coming into 

jiowcr. should allow itself to lie Icil into 
the 1'iviMon Loliliy I i.v S \\irr M \r\i:n i. 
and I>o\'r Kt.iu I l.\i!i>n: ' J . < >r is the matter 
mended when we consider tliat the 
dcnioii-tratioii was aimed at a man just 
appointed to a delicate and dilliciilt mis- 
sion involving the welfare of a great 
Dependency and the interests of the 
Kmpire V " 

1 never argue with the Mll.MUKK H>n 
SVIIK. iniich less contradict him. 

Am hound to admit that his uay of 
putting it has the sympathy of nine out 
If ten good Li lends. Hut what would yon? 
Sxvnr M \C\KII.I. discerned in appoint- 
ment of St:t IIOKM-: as successor to MlLNER 
opportunity of obtaining flaming adver- 
ti.-ement. 'J'his not one of your peddling 
little questions about the second postal 
delivery in Hallyshannon. or the devolu- 
tion of a ( 'ounty Court House to purposes 
of Bridge and five o'clock tea. It touched 
an affair of State. All the suhimirine 
calilcs would speed to near continents 
and the uttermost ends of the earth 
account of how Swirr MAO.\I:IU.. .M.P. 
denounced the appointment of the High 
Commissioner of South Africa on the 
ground that, whilst Under-Secretary of 
State for the Colonies, he was privy to 
the ,1 A.MKSON Raid. 

We know our SWII-T MAcXKit.i., and 
complain of these performances chiefly 
on account of loss of public time and 
pwering of the dignity and usefulness 
of Parliament. It is different abroad, 
even in the Colonies and the United 
Stales. At their point of perspective 
one British M.P. is as good as another 
and 1 letter too. 

Til A\OII> .\IlSl OXCKITK.X ! 

These are portraits of the very latest thing in Liberal Leaders for the information of the 
public in South Africa, lest their minds should b? unduly disturbed by the attack on Lord 

Selborne ! (Mr. Sw-ft M-cX-11 an 1 Mr. K-r H-rd-a.) 

'TRY you 11 STRENGTH!" 
" Xext, please ! " 

That is SWIM M.U-XEII.L'S advantage, 
and he is not slow to seize it. But what 
about the 150 British Members who 
trundled through the Lobbies in the wake 
of the redoubtable mover and seconder of 
\\ hat was designed as a slur on the newly- 
appointed High Commissioner? C.-B. 
and the Captains of the Liberal Party who 
thronged the front Bench were careful 
to refrain from taking part in the Debate. 
They put up blameless SYDNEY BUXION, on 
whom presently, like hawk on sparrow, 
swooped DON JOSE. 

That done, and votes recorded in 
favour of the motion, the Front Bench 
\\as committed to SWIFT MACNEILL'S 
leadership. Not a happy augury for 
the days near at hand when parties will 
change sides, and there will straightway 
begin, under even more dangerous cir- 
cumstances, the familiar process of the 
tail wagging the head of that hapless 
dog, the honest Liberal Party. 

What made the whole business more 
regrettable is fact that of all His 
Majesty's Ministers at the head of the 
great spending Department, SEI.BORNE 
I is the one who has given the enemy 
least cause to blaspheme. Whilst for 
seven years the sister Service in Pall 
Mall has drawn upon its administration 
the lament of friends, the censure of 

foes, the Xavy, under SEI.HOHKE'S shrewd 

I unbustling direction, has quietly gone 

its way, till to-day, when the First Ix>rd 

hauls down his flag, it is acknowledged 

j to be in condition of rare efficiency. 

In such circumstances, on the initia- 
i tive of a wild Irishman hungry for 
] notoriety, the Liberal Party allow them- 
I selves to be led into the gaping trap. 

" When it was written," says SAUK, 
"'surely in vain is the net set in sight 
of any bird,' the commentator left out of 
consideration one of estimable brood." 

" And what was that ? " I innocently 

" The goose," said SARK grimly. 
Business doiie. SEI.BORNE leaves Ad- 
miralty for Cape Town. CAWDOR ap- 
pointed his successor at Whitehall. 

Hail to thee, Thane of CAWDOR, long 
time Chairman of the Great Western 
Railway. "0 prosperous gentleman," 
j as Macbeth observed of a forbear. But 
at a leap to land as Cabinet Minister 
i and First Lord of the Admiralty stood 
not within the prospect of belief. The 
prophetic greeting of the witches en- 
countered on the blasted heath 'at back 
of Paddington Station fulfilled, the most 
captious critic acknowledges it well 
done. No one, save WALTER^ LONG, 
thought of CAWDOR as First Lord of the 


Mr. 0*ora WrndhuT* pnwnt, but, Mr. Punch hope*, only t. <Wre is 

.,! :\Viltl. 

Vdmiralty When we. time to think of it The speeches varied in point and 

we admit I'BINXT. ABTOIK has got out of f.n.-.-. A- far as mt.-r.-st of the thronged 

difficult situation by admirable stroke. araembly was concerned th. . 

\\ ,;h,r*lay 11.50 P.M. House full secondary importance. What 

from floor to topmost U-nch in Strangers 1 asked was, " What will l- the majority / 

j^.-.. Some Ministerialists of little faith van.-d 

Gallery. Awrra winding up debute 

in rigorous fashion. Once, when lie inquiry by asking, ' \\ill there be a 
banged the brase-bound box in manner majority?" The more sanguine put it 
reminiscent of Mr. G. in days of old, between L'.'I and 35. Praponderu 

Ministerialists broke forth iii Imrst of anticipation fixed it at i'u. To ,-v.n 
uneasy laughter. ! .iirarB, who Unly's amazement, to aacpntrofled 

divided with the Front Opposition delight of His Maje-ty s Minister-, it 
the scanty forty minutes left by turned out to U- 4 Revulsion of feeling 
earlier speakers, was in his worst form, in Ministerial camp testified by round 
Twenty minutes was not sufficient space after round of ch- 

of nine for ion "f one of those This the joy of midnight. Reflection 
intellectual feaU wherein, dealing with c.mieth with the morning, and to men 
seal question, he ha* triumphantly impartially reviewing the plot- and 
sot down after talking an hour without i-ounter-plotwof the w.-ek, the secret meet 
cummilling hinwelf to either side. ings of sections, the bucking up of w.-ak 

night chief effort In-lit on im- brethren, th<- restraint of the too auda 

' cious. it will bring sharply home the 
hollownesi* of the political situation, the 
unr.-ality of Parliamentary 

liiitlnett dun- In crowded BOOM of 
effect. I'll I v. t .".tU; MemU-i- re-olved liy majority of -I:.' 
uneasily laboured to show, just that WIS-L.S Cm IK niu.'s inconvenient 
like voting Ay on the proposition that declaration "that the |>ermaiicnt unity 
two and two "make four. Incidental!) of the Hi itish Kmpire will not IK- secured 
Carrying the amendment would nn-.ui through a system of Pi.-f.-r.-ntial duti.-- 
shunting WMBIOM Cm iiiiJ.'f< resolution based upon th. Protective 
which, if Member* were freed from influ- food," IM- not put to the <|uesti..n. "r 
rnceof Miniaterial Whip, would certainly las the light-hearted cngiuc-driv. r re 
be carried. DOM Joe declared that marked as lie sat on the safety 

present <lwellmx' HI >.l.-ennt\ In/ 
; that in their week-end 

the n-d lx>X of a I'.. 
Mini-t.T. If at thecloM- of the S.T.- 
ivone li.i'l prophe-i.-d that ' 
. . .irs had sped the popular Chief 

iry would l>e hounde<l out ol 
li\ tin- I'lster landlords, he Would h..\e 
:, il.-d forth and subjected t.i the 
di-x-iplme "f a bucket of cold \\.ili-r. 
1,-ndrd by the faculty in .-.iil> 
..f iiiadin--^ At that | 
\VvMMl\u had gixen the l'1-.ler men tlieir 
full share of the million sterling divided 
IH-UMI-II Irih landlord and tenant, the 
llritish tax paver guaranteeing payment. 
\Va^ there ever known such a he.iven- 
Uirn ? 

iay, after painful ex|-rirn 
is no longer a Minister of the Crown. 
Hi- public career is indefinitely inter- 
rupted. The bitterness of the cup i< 
filled by on loM op|Hirtunity. 
Me did the right thing in re-inning; 
luit the action u.i-. taken a fortnight 
late, lie had. in the meanwhil . sulTere<l 
the indignity of publicly reading 
Mire, passed by a Cabinet alarmed for 
,i life, upon a colleague with whom 
it- had worked in hoin-t and h.'iioiirable 
ITort to MTV.- the country commit: 
lis charge. The moment to resign was 
when the t.i-k uas imposed 

upon him by colleagues an\ 
ill things to save their own skin. 

that momentary failure of 
udgment. 'due. as will Some ilay be 
lisclosed, to [.ersonal loyah . ' his 

I iKolliiK \V\.M>!HM iia 

be otlierwi.-e than proud of his 


preaaing halting Ministerialists with 
conviction that in voting for LrTTKLTDB s 
"previous queation " amendment they 
leaving fi*-.d matters abHolutely 
tmifhod It was, in 


Mini-terial career. The cloud 
| lie- low over him is mirky 
-nlplmron-. It will soon lift, and in 
tin- r.-.-tful shade of Oiiposition. 
followed in due, probably l.-ngtliy, 
course, by the return to (..w.-r of his 
purged politic-al Party, he will have 
liv-h chain-.- of showing of what line 
metal he is for^_ 

Hns'nu'gf doui-. Private Uembefaf 
night, which usually me. 

"Uneasy lies the Head." 
From a Manchester hattei - -hop 
.viinlow : 

MM- n it oi .:.iii !'.. 

" logically " be would be ready < 

Presumably illogical!)- he^will 

. M [ r HUjMCI I..-I -..,. pMHHl 

the qoeation be not now , 

Mum's the 

l-'riilnii iiujlil. The tnigic 

GBDBGK Wnoui should 

to young ' on ln.lh 

fate of 

. : 

M.I.M write- to ti 

i'.fi illll'J .Veil x . "I have great difficulty 
111 getting bipots ami -lie.- in parts 
i.f Ix-ic.-tershire without -.^leaking." 
Then why not -,|n.-.iky <> r -..Ive the 
dilliculty by writing for them? 

As adverli-emeiit in the Ihiilv I'r.- 


WASTKH. i;,..l Hau.l-.-un M.-n. 
\Ve won.h-r if hand -.-w n is as han.l- 

MM.VM i:., I!t05.] 




Q cc 




' _ i'l.\( II. Mi: THK LONDON II \IM\ AIM. [MAEOI 1 

.lined with youn.- : .-al liy Miss 

PIPKIN ON PAN. IV.I. irvi IT M '.MI to ill.- audience t.i show In 

.. ,, , ,,., .ippl.i'i-e that ihcv Micvc in fairies iind wish 1',1,-r /',,,i 

trr a ntit I., the I' -i'k I I he . , . ' 

to li\c mi and them from time to time. baa invariably 
IKxi\.. \nfi\ iinf be quite overpowering 

ii lung unanimity. Such s|Mi|iiaueity ilul imt 

Mi Xl\\ lliiliUMll seemed |o 
. if i it from t: !- imploring :i faxour- 

rwm ..... iicl, \Mtli tears in her \oicc. \\'a- it not 

M j m -, '. .. . i hesitating j ury ? 


t<t i\i- . uii.-|iu. ber aeema to me an incident not in the verj ami the 

papers; hand. \>\ a minority of thf mothen coming t<> timl their chililrcn returned 

capal fnun f.iiryl.unl i- a Kit wearisome ; while w here tin- fun , 

iiiy aiith..! ol Mr i :.|\ haxc in of Mr. I M MM Kill! taking up I pure in a 

n > utterly nonaensktll n uld kennel, ancl giving an account of his riding in it on t 1 

have de.TiU- 1 it .1- "a pi call through tin- city. I lotajlv fail to 

M seven to two "on tlr " <> \ KxiiM> as (!: "llier. anil the actrcoaea 

unbeaitatiti. i the min representing the children, are worthy of all pi 

A'lunr.iMy . the ; 'li;it life like little nuisance whi tuafly harping upon 

i. with .1 while rat. Hut what a terrible set of pri; 

If in real life ! 

a signal aucoeaa baa been achieve I I il<> not AftiT ' >IKC.' 4-, \\ltli such elever .iimiric 

seen on any stage, M itively small as this, entertainments as Tin- .\<lniii--il>l,- '',;,-/,(,, ;m ,l /_,>,!. \l, ,,->!. 

n "lift" "XT il in di*igu. or more artistically Mr. Hviaiii is temp. ir.irily the of the critics, ami i: 

than the final tableau of PK^r Pan, ipreaenting the part of his K'"l lm-k. fairly <l-,.rveil Ky hi, much 
pa"; nor one mor<> skilfully contriv,-,! than "Our daring, that lie should have had his pi.-ce- j.erf.^-tly acted l>y 
Home I'ndergnjund." where tin- forest is shown alm\e and t medians. 

ilir i-hildr. U-luw. the latter Ix-ing raich<>d thmiigh Had Mr. KARKIK'S /'.-/, r I'-in l*i-n <.nly for afterin-'ii-. and 

the hollowed trunks of tnv<. Yet. with the exception of a played at some hall like the Egyptian, or as a kind of old 
ODoaideral.Ie }>..rti<>:i nf the lirM xviie c-p.t i.dly the Hying " (iallery-.if-Illustration enlertaimiient " forrhildren in holiday 
atruy of the children after the manner of the (frigolati time, criticism would have Keen dis;iriiied , K 

I could find little in the extravaganza either In play in Three Acts " \\ell then U-ing in the iuinnnr. I 
aniiwp iiie.^ir that I could even acknowliilge a, t.ew and neartUy congratulate the fortunate management and th, 
original. The picking up of the shadow t>\ I'ticr I'm, is a clever and still more fortunate author of l',lrr I', in. ami am 

riking incident in Tin- .S/i.K/.nr/cx* Man. when the little his and theirs truly, I'M i. |'H'M\. 

grntlpinan in lilack detacho I'rtrr Sr/i/rmi/'x shadow from the ' 

ground, rolls it up. and puts it in his jKK'ket. The Hene in . ,. V ,., L , V 

UMVDOlL where the children build the hut. i. similar to that M '" N ' Bai ' I '- NAN( 

in .SHOHV/I-../,. playe.i , at the Royalty, where the , i 1IXIM. with people who give the worst dinner in bmdon. 

liiii very much, if not exactly, the same thing. And I soem More severe penance: dining with people who -i\.. x,, M 

to miMMiilirr similar liusinees" still nioro re-ently in Fome the worst dinner and the worst nine in l/.ndi n. 
pantominte. verest penance: the same as the alxive. plus the 

Mr. GOULB !>' M\t KIKII. whose acting thnmghout is one of cigars and the ctimjKiny of utter liores, male and female. 
the chief mainstays of this nonsensical nursery extravagnnzn Attending at a musical nui/imv in a private house, ami 

I apeak as one of the minority), when representing the having to listen for two hours to infant j.rrligie> ..n i 

Captain of the Pirates, recalls to my mind u certain burlesque and violin. 

it the Si rand, where MARKS represented the Ii'nl Rarer nn Assisting as one of the audience at an amateur perfon 

Unnl precisely the same sort of ship as we sec in I'.-ler I'an ; f Hill Water* Run /'.,/,. or anv other well-known play that 

it also recalhi another memorable deck scene, in the travesty may he a favourite with amateurs. 

f I. . \fneaiitf at the aforesaid theiitre, with a strong cast of Staying in a country house with a funny man or a 

"character-acton" the like of whom it might not be so easy humourist. 

nowadays t.i together. Then- is nothing new under the Passing a thoroughly hopel.'lv wet w<i-k end witli friends. 

win or behind thefaotUghta, and e\,-n the Pirate Captain's at their country | lute five miles from exervwhere. wli- 

TragmenUirj- hornpi|p.- m noi In- any means a novelty. The discover, object to any sort of recreation o'n a Sumlax 

comic dog i frankly and avow.-lly men-ly apant ..... ime animal, won't even have the carriage out to drive to church. 
-apiuilly repreaente*! I. r pjintomimi,t. Mr. Aimii K Finding that the next hous.. to your> h Jten l.v a 

""" '>ng in I'rtfr I'mt, tunefully musical family, the younger ones learning the piano, and the 

given; and. in panying orchestral music, old familiar elder ones practising singing at all -ort.- of hours. 

airs hare lieen introduced with much <iiiaint humour by. _____^_^ 

Mr .Ions CM...K. the Musical Director. Also tlm 

. . . 

noi a little fairly efT ,d some eccentric, ste]. .laming. ,, P< 

ncluding the very ancient shadow-dance, gracefully , from the /Aii/i/ .\-ir, March 3 : 
armed by Mi- . i. M IT. which is scarcely a noxdty THK liKAKMS nK (ii !.!>. 

to a oonsiderable niiml-r of playgoers. 

On the night I witnessed ' I'rtrr I'an there were, in n 

After tliis Mr. ('IHMMKIII_MN should take heart again. 

crowded bouse, very few children present, as far as I could 

see, but whether they enjoyed it or not. it was impossible Tne New 

me to ascertain. I hope they did. Perhaps ..n many an 

o Barenam. i nope uiey aid. remaps on manv an i c RAIQT rvmv u i ,., , 
ftemoon. when the hou*Tia I hear, h.7 been alway. A 8 ZZ^ffi^^ r Oub f nkmd - *** 23 ' Good 

Al AIICH 15, 1905.] 









, and ill; 

IbMtf Mr I 

full-|Kf '11' '"> 

. , the Unit 

-,!. that offer fui. ' r such work than 


.l.gate : 

uteewa,lKvcn ' 
. . ' . i uroniic . four i ndere-ii 

stately bouaei remain. Hut t...i..v 

Canuoipit.- .-i ' ' > ' 

,v..rd I..-, their sucoeesora eleotu 

-.; .. v. . -. . ,,.-,., rwl f erl A bj 

n aUnit the famous ci.y. 
fr.--ly made add much to the value of a 

Thr Cimntftt i(* the title of a Ixiok small in bulk 

hTTCAciSKW. and the publishers 

of SSTSiMiiwr Idyll bear the delightfully appropriate names 

o v\|. Hutu. Idyllic indeed are the scenes where 
action of this unfinished drama for 'tis no more take, 
!,. xh e , i prologue are narrated by both pro 

-parat.-ly. The present hour alone is intended to 

.'....... ....... ,, -:,;;....;-. D 

become deeply conct rued in the mnvaattd future \et with 
the preaent w must be satisfie.1. since it shows us how 
tweet woman did not throw herself away on ai 
allv gifte<l U-ing.whois a dividwlly " snp-rior person, 
burdened with conceit, and of a curiously uncertain ten.]*-, 
In lhe- few pages an- the materials for a |H,werfully original 
\ more attractive character than that of Matiame 
Isiblanclir it would U- difficult to imagine, and at the close of 
the epi-,lc of h.-r lirst impulsive love, we are compelled to 
1 a lucky est-a|H> from becoming the 
man who. unable ton-strain himself in a moment Of 
amorous pasnion. can yet U- so priggishly cin-umspect as to 
r iiiMin a laU.un-d explanation, utterly un.s;itisfactory. of 
the rea.-.n fr his brutally selfish conduct, lie phwis as his 
his U-ing s.-lf U.und by an oath which is of no moral 
force whatever. This IMawl Virien has at hand a calm. 
.- friend, .lolin / who U.ldly points out to the 
elf-deceived egoist (whose good nature and love for children 
are not incompatible with egoism) how heartlessly he is be- 
lt. ,th these characters nn- very cl.-verly drawn, as IK 
,, t ,,( the ii. Mr*. M,in,l,-n. The dialogue, and never tedious. It remains a 
delightful fragiiK-nt tliat excites our curiosity. Kx pedf 
HfTfultm; it should be completed.^ 

-~ ^ ^-^-~^-^ 


I to ak if the Bnron fellow student 

across aonatlii '."Hal a i/- 

Hut his E I D In, lips mum's the \v,,rd. T> 

Hut his ting.-r is 01 ''" "" nl ' ' 

,..' >c not in any way overdone The 

| ilt ,,,", -s.,rily in l.p.k.-u English as spoken 

cleverly written, with ju-t the mis^ 

i,, would naturally fall. 

t | a ., t ,i.,l sk.teh of an old fashion,. 1 English vicar. 

f( , n ,i patron of healthy sjiort. .-..n.-enmig whom 

,| a . ! i seeing him in his riding 

\Vill / al,o hunt the fox, the pn.-t '.' ' 
The Haro'n. waniing all and Mindry that this i, not a 1-ook for 

the Skipper ami his U.y. Mronnly ret-om ml, it to ' 

,lc of enjoying a novel when they get it. 

.1, ,,,, .I,,,,,*, "Tin- Kvnderland Cartaonut" 

MilMlMl A 00. . n.ay perhaps amu,.- those, if s,,eh 

who are still unaware of the existence of .I'/ 
Wonderland, illustrated by our inimitable TIAMKI, a, in the 
original notion of this classic will be found the germ of 
.iiY and of not a few oth.-r nonsensically illustrated 

In John t-'lrlchfr* .W,i.l.i.ii.i foSsiMHK . Mrb. <V,MYS CM:I: 
ki-<l out an original idea, contriving her 

picture in .1 , of pictun-sque detail. The Ifciron 

will not bpoil the r.-adcr', j.leasure by minute d.-scnption. 
and will only hint that whereas, when a handsome Italian 
fount appeal in the ordinary Knglish nunance, it ..,!> : <-f him t.. "smile, and smile, and smile. 

and 1.- .1 \ilLiiu." here in this story will U- found the rare 
exception - this the ...ily strikingly original idea 

rcntiatin^ -I fr.m others. The characters of the 

heartv, honest, sporting K.ngli-limaii and I. ' ing. 

chiltllike Italiiin wif, Imirably drawn; UUShed, 

not merely sketched. The Karon. U-ing gr.-atly struck by 
the originality of the d.-ign. und bestow mg the high. ,t 

: . : : BBl - - >->. ; '^ '' ' ' .'' " 

bi* readers about the* real villain, ufin '"" '""' 

.1 /', iii tin- l-'aiiiihl. by NOW KM. t'vV I'l'.HY. L'S 
This story might well have been entitled The /{<!/ S/i-7. or .1 
l',\tif I'm in tin- /-'.UM'/I/. /-".'/ //</< bear, a (harmed life 

whiih he spends in the company of at least two delightful 
ladies, heroines Ixith. and so. on every invasion of personal 
danger to him from pistol or dagger, he ha, at uple 

of guardian angels (with once a third added to their number, 
who warns his lordship from over a wall always at hand 
to "keep watch for the life" of the dimmed aristocrat. Hut 
threatened men live long, and this hint will siillice for those 
who take up this melodramatic novel, a, did the Haron. /.-in- 
se distrain. The opening chapters are well written and 
decidedly interesting; the early part of the story insidiously 
lead, the reader on. and there 's the artful art of it ! Si the 
Ha ron recommends it to not a few of hi, patic: 

T a;- nl ;i Yi;ir* .!._/.. i Mi KM \M. Hi.vM.n i~ a fairly amusing 
and. to 'some p.-r.-otis. interesting compilation of random 
reminiscences. The author himself. Mr. Khvti M> low\n. 
calls it "A Hook of An.H-ilotes illustrating Literary Life in 
London" about 1885, i.e. some years before and after that 
date: as the burlesque couplet has it. 

It happened now some twenty y. -ar- 
il may ! more or less an hour or BO," 

but in this quotation it is "a hundred years ago." not 
twenty." The lines just quoted occur in a spe.vh which 
Hi CKM.I.M: used to give with rare unction in a l>urle,que on Tin- 
Cor*ii-<iii Hititln'n. Mr. DOWNM'- st,,ri.-s and ami-dotes are 
not all sparklers. There an- among them some good tales; 
one anecdote in particular alxuit spirit-nipping, thought- 
reading, and pin-tinding. which is likely to interest 
readers, whatever may be their 
individual opinions on such 
subjtvts. In this Ixiok an 
published several clever carica- 
ture jKirtmits of well-known 
professional people by the late 

ALFRED HUYAN. which appeared in 

a theatrical |,aper i-.dletl 'I'll,' /-'n- 
The ponrait of II. .1. 
I'.-.i .,\. author of hurl 

the g.Kid-huinoured wit 
ami i" whom 

fiunn> lUwniEY bear, ,.,n,e n- 
semblance) n especially good. 



MM:. M I'L', I'.lOfx] 




MM:SIIU. <)v\\i\ ascribes his recent 
UCCesa to the virtues of the Mlk\li. 
To what ilocs (Irnrnil Kli:o|'\TKIN as- 
cribe his (Ideal, we wonder? 

Soon after llie Mukden retreat the 
surviving Russians \\ere sinking solids 
rtiiinil their camp- 
liivs. They realise 
that every light 
lir ilia's th on) 
nearer home. 

It seems a pity, 
l>y tlie \vay, that all 
the really plucky 
men \vlio are in 

Minr of continu- 
ing the War, shoiilil 
he in St. Peters- 
burg, and not at 
the front. 

declare that they have 
willing to sacrifice him. 

always lieen 

Mr. (iKoiicic \Vvvim\M, it now trans- 
pires, has liet'ii ordered lo take col'l- 
plete rest. In view of lliis fact, .--oiiie 
surprise is ex preyed that he should 
have left the ( 'aliinet, instead of being 
transferred to the \\'ar < Illiee. 

We Knglish are really beginning to 
ijet a hit smarter. List week a gentle- 
man olitained a divorce ler-s than twelve 
months after his marriage. 

( Vrtain persons 
at St. Petersburg 
are now demanding 
that Russia shall de- 
clare war on China 
AS a reprisal fcr 
alleged breaches of 
neutrality. They 
are anxious to inert 
a foe whom they 
would fight on 
something like 
ial terms. The 
ignorant Japanese 
did not even know- 
that the Russian 

sition on the 

la-lio was impreg 

Admiral Ro/n- 
HI:ST\ I:\SKY is again 
said to be return- 
ing. If he brings 
his tlei t back intact 
he will have scored 
the one great 
liussian success of 
the War. 

It is stated that 
the speed of Rozn- 
DI ST\ I:\SKI 's fleet is 
only eight miles an 
hour, while that of Toco's is thirteen. 
This means, as an Irish correspondent 
points out, that the .lapane.-e would meet 
the Russians long before the Russians 
mywhere near the Japanese. 

The City Police are being iuslnic!ed 
in .ln-jitxn. As we have reason lo 
believe that many of our leading 
criminals are also taking lessons in the 
Japanese method of 
self - defence, the 
public may expect 
shortly to be I reated 
to a series of in- 
teresting acrobatic 
displays in the 
si reels of London. 

A licence was re- 
fused last wei'k for 
the pavilion at the 

1 of the North 

Tier at Scar- 
borough, as it. was 
recently wrecked 
by the sea. Tee- 
1 totalers have done 
so .'iiucll for water 
that it seems only 
fair that water 
should at List do 
something for tee- 

I MY, MY I! 


Y, WuVl.ll YOU I.1KF. Tn DRIVE ME Til PlOOAMLLl ? " 



CHAMBERLAIN, in an article in the 
insists that "we must always 
I 'ear in mind that the Kmpire was won, 
and kepi, and can only be maintained, by 
sacrifice." Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S opponents 

Several Members of Parliament lost 
their heads last week in the guillotine 

The fact that that enfant terrible, Mr. 
WINSTON CHnioHii.i. should have backed 
a bill for the prevention of juvenile 
smoking is looked upon as an act 
of Ireaehery by those who will be 
alVerled by the measure, should it be 

have no luck. 

A skyscraper 
church is the latest 
An erican novelty. 
It will, of course, 
soon be advertised 
as " The shortest 
route to Heaven." 

While looking at 
some lace in the 
window of a 
draper's shop, a 
Clapham lady was 
severely injured by 
an electric-light 
globe falling on 
her head. Hus- 
bands hope that 
this will be a lesson 
to ladies not to 
look in drapers' 
shop windows. 

Some congrega- 
tions would seem to 
A Glasgow clergyman, 

when setting out for Scarborough, was 
nibbed of his bag of sermons at St. 
Knoeh's Station, but the police recovered 
the bag a few hours afterwards, and 
the sermons reached their owner just 
in time to be preached. 

The main feature of last week ws:s the 
amount of rain that fell. Summer has 
come early this year. 

\.'l e AMU. 


.Mil:. II L'l' 


. him our v..u . . 


:. that Its 
.\hi.h was 

I IIV. Kl IIU - .li .HIM < /! /'I /'/IL 

-.iv I., the contrary, hi- U, 
h..iit di-loilion. 
. rl.uii . l.i .1 niilern 

lilliil gamble..-, -up. rl ci.dlv educated, of lax mor.ditv . xwth 
.nid I.- ciedil Into such a -el of nobility 
i- iiiti--l'iii'd M ' ////.- in-- "i. a mere -hopk 

clark :il lli. ' li" ha- suddenly Uvome |K,->I 

rn or forty thnu-and poi , nnuin. In this 

character Mr. ' \\n.- \\ i i. n is delightful : hi- acting is with- 
out evuggeral ion. and he ' I, hearties- bllle 
cad in the life. Hut all the character- are represented "to 
the life " on the stage of Wyndham's Thi-alle in this comedy. 

Mr. I good natured ing, lonse- 

li\ ing. middle aged I >nl;< i.iii-ing 

picliin-. and Mi t'.,M|-|..\. a- the amiable and ele\er 
Iturhr**, In- I", seenis to know everything and to 

pardon everything, gives us a striking impersonation of a 
type tlwt not a few will recognise. Miss COUI-ION plays the 
(art with great distinction of maniierand a rniic bOHAOMM that 

ikes the xfiiii->/niii(/r ilnmr dn iiinii<!<- a most lovable ; 

Mr Ilivin KIMIU: as the physically suffering H<irl of 

Uli-lim is, in even- sense of the word, im use. The 

character of this d\s|-ptic old nobleman on his last leg-. 
and both gouty who. in his eirly years, has led tl.. 
dog life of a Vim/nix nf Stfifin; and who is now 
ill-liMnp-re<l. and universally detcMcd. could not have been 
pLtced in more artistically efficient hand-. 

The part of Ijiini Ontdborps, an iiisoitciniit, astute man- 

alk. ut town, with a I Km .Inai |iie reputation, but who is 

n a by any means so Kid as he has IHI-II pleastil to paint 
him-eif. is playeil to perfection by Mr. An:oi. STKW.MIT, whose 
manly beiiiing at a critical moment goes far to redeem his 
lrd-hip's .-haky reputation, giving ho|ic of a brighter future 
than could possibly have I e n expix-tiil for him and his 
bride, \jai\\i Tln/ni Kijylrxbij. to whom he is married, offhand. 
by special licenii-. l-'i'l'l Tlit/rn I-'ifjlrtlii/, the daughter of 
/r</ .1 ././/</<. i- rejire-enled as a girl who. though brought 
up in a bad school, lias a heart ca|tible of pure affection; she 
can \.-rcine a strong will for her own gool and for that of 
the man -he devotedly loves. :.nd -hows us how <|iiicklv she 
ia able to discard her chilling artificiality of manner, which 
she baa assumed for h.-i ...\n proti-ction until it is iMi-oming a 
second nature, and to p|*ear as a true loving woman. This 
very difficult study of character is perfectly rendered by Mi-.- 

The //(/. (Hlo Ihii-iitttjliniii. I M-a r - leader to S<iinitfl 
in. lind- an effectively c|<iiel representative in Mr. 
ItlntUM. v\l IIM<- desire. expresHtnl K<4tn i,,:-,'. to kick 
his pntfye, is one of the U-st given lines in the pi.t .-. 

Aa the will. I coiiiteoiis family solicitor. Mr. Xuittlinmt, Mr. 
<'iuuiAu.\ i- excellent. I li- struggle to retain hi- hold 
lie tin box. and at the same lime to k.-.-p up hi.- dignity 
in tin- midst of ll.e outrageous scrimmage i one of the i. 
riginal as il i-, one of the fiinm. .lions in the 

POne<ly. --ii'ling the house into nmrs of unconln. liable 
laughter is a thing to see and to reiiM-mber. 

I'nrtiuni. the I ,:|,.r. as rcpn-scnted by Mr. Ihi.ii , 

Dnx% and Itli *<!. th<- i ;. bv Mr Hi \ 

ore both well rendered " biln of character" which c 

complete the wlmle. And. lastly, for the six little jade in lil.iefc. 
tin- ipiiet. demure, simple maidi 11 l-'l'i:,i I >i>J, In, IHS-II aci-ii>tonied to walk out with her Simiiii. and who 
her possession certain li-ti.-r-, <.mtaining ardent priv 

i r\.-. .Hid -oleum pi 

tin- i. in-.- impulsive mid short-sighted Smiiiic/ aforefinid, aJ 
\\uli which the clin^iiit:. affectionate l,:i!" | .!-- will i 
iliiiii: mid. r live thoii-and [xiuuds. and \\ : 

. that up-. I - I/.'. //"/ ' ; .Id a 

I . it. i i.-p|-i-entati\e I .- tound than delightful M 
Hi. i -i-c In r iint-kl> smile while k.i-pm. 

downcast, and to hear ber Boftlj and sh\l\ an-\\eiing (((MB 
lions, and lli.-n when noluHly. save the audience, i- |..>kinj| 
.|iiickly lurning on her mean little deserter .-I .1 lover nJ 
making at him a sudden grimace .\pr.--i\c o| the moMt 
pioloiind coiiiempl, i> something that i i\oue by 

siirprisi- and elicits a hurst of merriment. 

(.r.mleil that some of tins is old material. \el it i- dexerly 
worked up into the form of a geimin? li^'lit "comedy < 
manner-." on which Mr. ( '\liioN is to lie heartily congratulated. 
Itecidedly it is inJ a farce. In its success, which is thoroughly 
'l.-crved. all concerned share and share alike according M 
their individual responsibility. Nor must the stage in: i nilgai 
mi-lit U' passed o\er; it i- a \er\ neat piece of work. 
Another contributor to the auoceaa i- Mr. .liius HICKS, whaaj 

scene, " The Winter ( iarden at the I hike'.- House. Ma\ 
is mo- 1 effective. 


"O I(J ! in KiiLrlaii'l ' ' AI-. /.' 

\VllKN balm of Spring had turned the poet'- head, 
And In- expressed a pious wish to share 

The vernal jo\- of Kngland (SO he said. 

Having a patriot's heart, but t(xjk go. d care 
To live elsi-where , 

1 hope he n cant it ; I sinccivl\ tru.-t 

That lie was forced to let his feelings go 

A- | ...-Is do who sini; because ihry must. 
But did he? I should gn-atly like to know 
If this was so. 

Here was his clio.-en home, ibis land .f llo\. 

He knew her for the loveliest haunt of Spring ; 
He knew her vocal groves, her cypn-. U.\v 

How they could t.-ai h our wi>.-s| thrush a thing. 
Or two, to sing. 

Here, well lie knew it, with the breath of March, 
doling Spring, the Hoientinc. already stirred, 

Nor waited, under Italy's a/.nre arch, 

I'lllil the .swallow, thai fastidious bird. 

Had twice occurred. 

Still, Hitowxiv is liis affair. Forme, 

Viewing, on San Miniato's heights reclined, 

This city made for Nature's pageantry. 
I own I U-ar my exile with a mind 
Swietly resign, -d. 

Threading the dusky hills that ring her round, 
\\ here like a central gem Kiren/e lies. 

<In-cn Arno westering giK-s through storied ground 
'J'o catch their colour from the burnished 
When the day di. 

Ah well ! "I'is hard to IH- from home ju.-t n 

^ et, while th. se airs of evening, soft and faint, 

lemper the keen nostalgia in my brow, 
1 must endure il like a local saint 

Without complaint. i ). S. 



[Debate on Supply "Guillotined," Tuesday, Marcli 21, 1005.] 

MAUD i -2-2, ]'.M)f>.] 




I'.v A KNICIIT'S Twiai'Tii Cmsiv. 

(Wiih acTtnowledgmmlt IK ntrimix linicx 

MY DI:M; MAU>K, Ever so many 
thanks fur your sweet little note. 'I CM 
begin I y saying how you envy me m\ 
beauty of I'aee and my an-ltc figure, ami 
then beg me to give yon some advice, 
as you are on the eve of "coming-out," 
ami led that you are not hall' so pretly 
as I. ('amlidly, dear, you are not. I 
will lie perfectly frank with yon, dear 
M\i hi:. Von are at present, what we 
call i/niK'lii', your hair is coarse and has 
a "lumpe(l" l<x>k, the prevailing hue 
of your faee is a flushed purplish-red, 
you are freckled, and lastly you trans- 
gress the prevailing fashion in having 
two chins. There! now we know exactly 
ho\v we stand ! But do not despair, 
dear>K. I, too, was once as you 
now are, hut I transformed myself and 
I can transform you. 

Now, attend carefully. 

Every morning I rise at G'30. l'>\ 
this means I am always able to be down 
in time for luncheon at 2'0. I at once 
remove my face-mask, sleeping-gloves, 
chin-strap, ivc., &c., and then begin my 
simple little round of pleasant exercises. 

First of all my chin must be prevented 
from having a partner! Standing on 
my toes and balancing myself by holding 
on to the chest of drawers I force my 
chin as far upwards and outwards as it 
will go, and in this position twist my 
head round and round with slow, stately- 
movements for one hour by the clork. 
In order to lend a little er.tra interest to 
tlii- exercise, I playfully pretend each 
time my head comes to the front that 1 
am greeting one of my friends. Thus : 
" Good -morning, Duchess," I exclaim. 
gracefully inclining my neck, and " Good- 
evening, Lord IH .MAUKSQfE," with a some- 
what distant smile, and so on. It is 
with a pleasant feeling of swan-like 
fatigue (if 1 may so term it) that I nest- 
turn to the care of my complexion. 

My face goes through twenty-four 
dilVerent processes, the more important 
of which 1 will describe. First it is 
steamed for one hour and a quarter. I 
hold it over a boiling kettle in which 1 
have previously placed two lemons, a 
pinch of alum and a pomegranate. 
(N.l!., deal', three volumes of the ttncyclo- 
/xi'iliti Britannica strapped on the back 
will prevent the shoulders from becoming 
rounded whilst in the stooping position 
necessitated by this exercise.) 

Now 1 weigh out a pound and a half 
of cold cream, and for two hours rub 
this into my lace with a delicate circular 
motion of the finger-tips until not a bit 
is left." I omit seventeen processes 

6 Presumably of tlie cream. ED. 




here, and pass to the twentieth. This is 
"tapping." For forty-five minutes 1 
tap out various tunes all over my face 
with the backs of two dessert-spoons ; 
this exercises the muscles and promotes 
the flow of blood. Then come the milk 
bath, the warm bran bath, the cold 
oatmeal bath, the astringent, electric, and 
"morning-dew" sprays; and there is 
my face with all the appearance of a 
delicately -tinted roseleaf. The whole 
thing is most refreshing. 

Meanwhile, my maid has been brush- 

ing my hair in the next room ; Hie r.< w 
brings it in beautifully glossed, and my 
coiffure is soon completed. 

Such, dear MAI UK, is an all too brief 
account of the simple methods to which 
I owe my complexion. 

Yours, with best wishes, GRACE. 

Q. WHY is the Baltic Fleet at anchor 
instead of being on its way to Japan ? 

A. Because the Admiral prefers to 
collect seaweed rather than shells. 

i ii OB NIK LONDON < n \m\.\Kl. 

G. B. S. 

Is the cimnrof n interview in tin- /*iifi/ V.ii/. Mi 

i . . . u blank 

' !l 

l.lloll.llU and 'I 11 '-' 


in times <>f sire*. 

I As Kx' I>IV\HL 

i nii.rr.iw night, 

xo'ir other ol 

dine with me .it half past eight. 

i milling. 
D .ir txxo. 

itils in oils, a; vthing . . . 

It'll wh ll.llf past eight. 

Don't drew, or drew h : I,-..-. - > 

Mvnelf ch ill t! e hygienic flannel shirt. 

<is> liLink . rile to catch the poet.) 

Yours v.-ry faithfully. JKoi:..K Hn:\ vi:l> SllxW. 

II. T.I III- I.U M*E88. 

xj. You will forgive ni<- if 1 call 
Kin. I attention to my last week's washing : ami I > tin- pity of it. Madam ! 
StifTi>ii)-<l with that white nni.l that men call starch. 

.-ay "A thing of custom " 'tis no other, 
Only it si-oils the pleasure of the time; 
How sharjx-r than a ser|*'iit s t<th it is 
To haxe a -t iinl-ii[i ( stiff with mini ! 
The shirt of N >i| on me. 'li- 

A xvhil.-d sepulchre, an armoure<l plate, 
A tiling devised by the enemy 

To cramp our hearts ami hide our natural graces. 

I. mi. I do not (are alxmt this starch, 
In future do without it. and oblige 
Yours very faithfully. <!KOI:I.I Bntv ARM SHAW. 
T.S. In frantic haste to catch the poet. 

III. To .IAMKS .1. (.'ouu-rrr. 

IM M: SM:, I am most interested to hear 

You hope to figure in u play of mine. 

1 have don.- the States some service and they know't. 

Knoiigh of that. You SCMII to me to be 

A pcrx>n of superior attainment, 

At any rate you know the way to box 

: that is more than Ib.MiY IKVINC does). 
You take of course the part of <'<i*li,-l Hyron? 
\ -plcndid lighter nlon't fiir^'i-t the jal> 
\t-\\ lead ; and then the jali ii]M>n the |MH: 
T.dkmg of me and lit/run, have yon read 
A pla\ c.dletl .l )' I. iln- It .' Here and tin-re 
1 think you'll hud it fairly actalile, 
I'.irtic-iilarly in the wrestling wen.- 

. ours.- that ',. more f,,r Mr Hv KKSScmillTT, 
A person of r-uperior atlainment 
Who iiii'ler^taitds tin- (Jrati. l(nuin style. 
I'.-rhap* you inix'ht -"KKest the matter to him 
Well, w.-ll. I only ui-K I d had the time 
To write thi- letter III lll\ Usual | 
Ijet UK- how.-ver just remind you tliu- : 
In |nv there's nothing so Uiiiiiics a man 

lest stillne ami humility. 
Hut when tin- l-l.i-i -f .ir l.|.,- in >.ut i-unt 
'Hien imitate tin- action < f t 1 

HE p the blood- 

In short, lake care to land 111.011 the point. 

.M-11. ri-mciiil-cr me to Si 1 1 n \v 
,l|.Ml:il.- ami others. Kver. <r H. S. 

A muTU-Ai. i.-.. NU.MY. 

I i ,., .1 ... j, .; , \j.|I. .1 I I ' I ' . :.ll f '1111 III!-' 

\\ |. nic.iii ill.- nrt of i |.'il'ln- .| 

Mr Cum 111 1:1 uv for i:i-> 
.i.'ii. I |.n < \..u r ll.i:i.l. 
| ii|..|. ' I ' ' i K I 1 1 . r \vli. i 1 

ly M 

Tm. -i "f our conteni|>oniry is an eminently 

Tin- >.I\IUL; in printi-r's ink alone would l>e 
iiormon-. A- |..r tin- -;.tin in li-r-eiie-.-. and lucidity. \ve 
hink we c.innot do Ix'tter than i\e a few specimens from 
.mm 1 1 lent :it, r Miii II-HIL: letier- merely as illustrations. 
Mi: IMii'iir: "1 am a tirm lieliever in the aloolute 
Li N 1 ^. and it i^ well known I consider 
' i i i ; as ,|, policy, and }V emim-ntly suited to the re>|iiire- 
nent.-. of the present juncture. Other i|iic-.lioii* ha\- of 
onr-e claimed my attention, such a- I.t >.N. and T.I 

Mi: < '/nim/>er/(iiii .' "I Ix-lieve supremely in .l.ii.K., ( ,r, 
vhat amounts to the same thine;, in K.< 1 ' >. At tl.. 
ime 1 am not oblivions to the claims of K.I.N. Then of 
nurse there is the question ol I \.\. 

Sir H'/7/ri.r /..i//. ,i "The , i- ijuestion 1 

he country is that of I'.I'.U. I shall continue to extend to 

'I I! a ino-t stren is opposition, although I shall ei 

our to consider it alons,' with the iiueslions of I'.I'.N. and 

Tin- link'' "f l>f>:>ii><)iii; : ' After a long e\perien. 
inly say that the questions of N.A.l'. and N.I>.1>. are 
which appeal to me most .strongly." 


Pope't <"/ ii'li ii-j lines a re-u-riltrn by mi .>II/-<IH-. ; 

Hi. comes! he comes ! the spectre form behold 

Of dread Protection, and of Kuiii old. 

Itefore him. Hope's fair palaces decay, 

And all her darling schemes fade quite axvay. 

Commerce in vain stirs up keen Knterprisc. 

Kach Venture languishes, fades. iln>ps. and'dics. 

A- one by one, with intluence less or more. 

(Jreat Itxuoi i:'s once-staunch folloxvers cross the Ii 

As Ministers, despite the sickening wrench. 

b'i-c one by one. and quit the Treasury liench : 

Si at his IK mined approach, and \xell-kno\xn might. 

Trade after Trade g.n-s out. and all is night. 

S-e Coniinonsense to her old cavern fled. 

And CONDKN'S ghost rise shuilderiug from the l> 

Prosperity, that knew no term nor bound. 

Sinks, shivers, totters, crashes to the ground. 

Science turns pale, bids Wisdom inte' 

And Wisdom calls on Prophet. Sage ami & 

Cotton of Iron begs ;i timely aid. 

And Iron calls on .lain and Marmalade 

Trade on other Trade iioxv call, 
lu vain. They sink, reel, loiter to their fall. 

Commerce almles her ardour, damps her I 
And unawares great I jlicrtx <-\\ 
Nor public Shame, nor private, -.hall be lai-kin: 
I- I'eedom shall I H- a jest. .1 u -l ice sent packing. 

I/i! Kmpiie, < 'iMXiiiKlil.xiN. is come. 
Thou hast thy w ish : the xery 'Change is dumb. 
Thy voice it was that crumbled into dust 
The fabric of the State. Ye god-, be just. 

MARCH 22, 1905.] 







[It was not to be supposed that Messrs. 
H A IIMSH ( nuns' recently announced Encyclopaedia 
would pass unchallenged, and Mr. Punch has 
l>eeu favoured with a private forecast of the 
Prospectus for a rival compilation.] 

IMPORTANT (for lovers of literature). 

BE wise in time. 

Knowledge is Power. 

Mr. C. ARTHUR PEARSON'S Encyclopaedia 
will contain the pith of the Brains of 

It will be the cheapest and the most 
compendious Encyclopaedia that has ever 
been encycled. 

To facilitate swift and convenient 
perusal, the Work will be supplied in 
Daily Parts, printed upon Illustrated 
1'ostcards and distributed every morn- 
ing at subscribers' addresses. 

Thf I'irtitri'x will be genuine Portraits 
of the Celebrities of All Time from 

The Artirlcx will be printed upon the 
face of cncli ( 'ard opposite the address. 

You will read them at Breakfast. 

The price will be Id. per (weekly) 
packet of six. 

There will be no Sunday Postcard. 

To all subscribers in favour of Tariff 
Reform, the Postage will be free. 

This Encyclopedia will be Up to Date. 
The cards dealing with B will not be 
commenced until A is nearing comple- 
tion. It will be the work of Experts. 
Thus Mr. C. B. FRY has consented to 
write upon Imperialism, Mr. RUDYARD 
upon the Sublime in literature, and Mr. 
HAROLD BE<;HIE (by special permission) 
upon the Higher Criticism. A special 
Postcard .upon Metaphysics will be com- 
piled by Sir OLIVER LODGE, whilst the 
Treatise on Parliamentary Procedure 
and Practice will come from the pen of 

Handsomely bound albums for these 
Cards, containing a full-length portrait 
of Mr. CHAMBERLAIN engaged in com- 
mitting " The Islanders " to Memory, 
may be purchased upon the Instalment 
System. N.B. No Bookcase is needed. 

A special feature of this work will be 
its lightness. 

Every article will be, so to speak, 
predigested. Bulkiness has been the 
ruin of previous Encyclopaedias. 

The Cost will depend upon the 

I Longevity of the Subscribers ; few are 
likely to last until Z. 

In the event, however, of special 
curiosity, and as a guarantee of good 
faith, the Postcards upon Zebras and 
Zoroastrianism may be obtained in ad- 
vance at the rate of one penny each. 

Orders may be booked in advance at 
all Post Offices in the United Kingdom 
and Colonies. No orders will be sup- 
plied to the Continent or U.S.A., and 
the right of Translation into Erse is 

Book early to avoid the rush. 

Ask for Table Tit-Bits and see that 
you get them. 

Truth by Accident ? 





THE REPRINT SYSTEM?- "It will lie 
found that the Eveninij News, which 
can be purchased for a halfpenny, con- 
tains all that has hitherto been supplied 
by the old Evening Standard for one 
penny." Evening Newt of March 13th. 

[rv ii 

l.nNlM.N rilMM\ MM. 



II Ukc | 

i in a.- 


i! in tW ' 
M marl. 10 Beed ( MUncr ] 


,11 the doKMct 


^ M th 

I 'II make ii us 


v reach a tid> l.m.- 

.Mend. I l 

_ . jt as a sermon in... 
And :i- |>Liin ns th. new U.rn 

h.-r it Brixton w 

And Hrixton ha- niMiy a l.u- 
And in many :m alley tin- pU 
Alive with the patter of little 
And shrill with the prattle of lilt! 
YOU Can the little one- anx 
A- they t Idle or liuiil.le or dam. 
JnmOB and -I x< kit- and Si - ami Sxi i 

ing almiit in the stn-ets and allcv 
Ihirk ones, fair ones, plump ones, spare ones, 
None of them rich, hut all of them ran- ones; 
And noxv and again ill. : vi-ar mother 

- ilemiilx lows a u\ limther. 
And rulis him down, when the lmy gets dirty, 
A- w.-ll .1- if -h-- w.-r.- -i.x-and-thirty. 
S. me children. I know, are a \vi-e liit triininer, 
More lirushed and coiiiU-d. and a trille priinnier. 
As they take their airing in Squares or Parks. 
Hut the Hrixton children are gay as larks; 

In fact these little ones, just like ours. 

is gil u-< a garden all sunshine and (lowers. 

Hut. ah, sometimes when the shadows cmi:e, 

The little voice* are faint or dniiili ; 

The liright little eyes grow dim and dreary. 

And the feet that patten-d are clogged and xveary ; 

And f.-xcr.-d or maimed they don't complain 

The little ones suffer their lot of pain. 

And toil-worn hiisluml and anxious wife 

lSi what they can for their darling's life. 

Hut the home i- cr ivvded. the comforts few, 

And it '- little, oh little, the pair can do; 

And they wait in snrroxv and watch in prayer 

While the joy of the liou-e lies fading tin re. 

llh. then comes a word all fraught with lo\e 

the Hun*' that I wrote of ju-t al- 
It -|tMk- to their heart- in a< e.-ul- mild 

id ii- your little child ! 
We ! men. who cm stay or im-nd him 

We have gentle xv. -n to - ..the and tend him. 

With a clean smooth pilloxv to prop hi- head, 
II.- -hall lie at cu-c in his little U-d. 
lleit shall not xex nor cold di-tres* him ; 

.ind- shall comfort and -miles caress him 
ud U- the child to lie healed for you. 
For this is th< do." 

i'i laugh, for it isn't funny 
tins is a House win. li ought to I, . 
Hut in order to live it imi-t h.ixc :. 
Which lien- 's the c. inclusion i/"ii mi. 

Tlicx want to siive the . 'ii.-re 

i if oil.- \\lio \\.i- > -I and mirth, 

\ .j.rii ''d oHiiparc. 

The jo|li.--t. chii-rieM r-ml on i-anh. 
1 1. -re. in the I iii-miiii; city. 

Tli.-\ .in- ir^in^; I" r.u-< aiiotlier .-linn.- 

_iitcr and l\.- and pit\. 
And thc\ want \oiir uioncx . my friend-, and i 

to \oii all. /'('' .-..r,/.- / 

ie founding for dear Ix\ IJ.NO. 
And lo. our money -hall -iilTcr a change 
Into M.methiiig happy and rich and str.ii.. 
For the coin we give, or the che.|ile xxc sign. 
I >r the note \\c fold in an envelope, 
Takes wings in a radiant flight Ix-nign, 
An ani;el of mercy and life and hope. 
I'ain i- -ithed as the angel Hears. 
Sigh- are i li.-cked. and the children's tears 

lloxv whi'ii his light app<-ars. 
And xx hen \xe are all of Us \i-ry old, 
And our .-mi -ink- loxx and our dax Id, 

\V.- can think of our gift and m-xer rue it. 
For tl-e work xv as g> d and xve hel|H-<l to do it. 

I; C. I.. 

to the II ^ ' lli'- Hi-isi'iit I'oniiii'iii,- . F F..XMI.H- 

-inillinrft . x/ L'i*nl, I'.r'u ' 


.li i;iv>. from a ]*> lire-court ca-- of 

l:iM xxe.-k, when a 

iiemU-r of tin- St.k-k F.xchange was fined \! I . V and 

mashing >'i>cn with his foot a railway-carriage \\indow 
xvhich three other occupants desired to remain clo-,-d. the 
natter is one xvhich requires some little further ventilation. 
We have then-fore ventured to draw up some liy-laws for the 
guidance of railway companies and their clients. 

1. Free-Uirn Englishmen of uncertain temper shall travel 
in specially padded cell-. If they wish to dangle their feet 
nit of the Window! they shall do so at their oxvn risk. 

1'. Invalids shall lie tran-i orle I to their destination in 
arlxiys hermeticdly sealed. If they prefer a complete 
vacuum, they must liring their oxvn private air pump. 

3. Partie- xvho are known to U- e\pl..-ive -hall not IM- cmi- 
xeyed at all. except in gunpowder wagmi- liy goods ti 
when- all risk of ignition is avoided. 

I Ordinary passengers shall change ends at half-time 
hetwi-en every -t itioii. They shall el.-ct a referee and provide 
liim with a whistle, al.iding in every case liy hi- deci-ioii. 
A free kick shall IK- awarded to every person xvho re! 

5. Every carriage shall helaU-IIed resj-ciively. A- 

Mii-roliic." "Stale Tobacco." "Hal-.- " Pneumonia." 

Mot-hoii-e Plant-.' - ( lixe and take." " Slock Exchange," 
"Expletives." " Lidi, -.' Lydiea," "Nature's (ientlemell." 

"Gent-." and "( >tl 

d. The attendant of the new hyphenated " Piill-mai 
shall Itecoine proficient in the art of .1 n-jilxti, in onl 
eject any olislr.-pi-roii- pa eng.-r and generally quell ' 
All guards niu-t In-come .-\pert- in window-glazing, shm-- 
mendiiig. and first aid to the losers after oxygen argument-. 

7. Hooligans well-divs -cd or olherw ise i shall In- provided 
with a Hlack Maria attached for their spi-cial In-neti! !> any 
train they may elect to patrm. 

S. Per-,, n- who lin-athe air shall travel exclusively on 
line- in England; the rest nf humanity to confine theni- to railruid jonrm-v- on the Continent. 

Till IK-I TIAI IKIK K n: I'M. NISI-. Kvo\ on Analmnv. 

MABCH 22, 1905.] 

1TNVH, OR THK I,oNl>nN i |[ \|;i\ AIM. 



\ ]'. :.. ' rtf-r known 

uii<i-r her j.-.-uiluiiy!ii of " I lin.--;i. has 

-i.iry of dni<~ti<- iiii'-n-r a].}-ar- 

I.\ZKM:Y. It is entitled 

f, after the heroine, a fascinating 

.-. born in Patagonia of Irish ex- 

:i. Toxine has lieen carried off 

in early youth \>y the Tierra del Fuegians 

and married to a cannibal chieftain. 

. .1 liy the captain of an exploring; 

comes to London and 

a fashionable restaurant in Bond 

Street, from which circumstance many 


In view of the approaching centenary 
of MARTIN Ti PPF.K, Messrs. BOLSTER an- 
nounce the issue of a definitive pocket- ; 
edition of his works in 1~> volumes, with 
an introduction and notes by Mr. ALFRED 
U. The Laureate also contributes 
a sonnet beginning : 

^^Bfc, whose limpid yet inspiring lay 

<1 sluggish Britons of an earlier age 
Life's battle with redoubled zeal to wage 
: K, we need thy clarion voice to-day ! 

A propos of Mr. AIJRED AC.-TIN an 
interesting fact has been communicated 

- liy a literary correspondent. Sir 

- MORRIS, it will be remembered, 
not long ago that the greater 

part of the Epic of Hades was composed 
on the Underground Railway. It now 
appears, on the authority of our corres- 
pondent, that the Laureate is never so 
happily inspired as when he is travelling 
in the Tupperny Tube. 

: tn in some form or other, how- 
ever, seems an indispensable stimulant 
to creative mental activity. Mr. SIDNEY 
-.vings Indian clubs as he dictates 
easterly monographs. Mr. F. E. 
:-iERLY, the famous author of "Xancy 
" TJie Jlidshipmite" &c., recom- 
mends roller skating, and Lord AVEBCRY 
advocates skipping for writers not of 

-e for rea<: 

An interesting series of autobio- 

^.s will shortly be published by 

Messrs. FAWN AND Trnox, entitled Little 

Purple Lire*. Flach volume will tell, 

in simple language, the life story of a 

prominent member of the aristocracy 

is still in his or her teens, the series 

j under the joint editorship of Mrs. 

Lord SniTTLEwoRTH has found time 
| amidst his political duties to write a 
volume of humorous poems entitled 
"ions of a Serious Life. Per- 
sons who have been privileged to read 
the volume in manuscript are loud in 
of its ingenious versification and 
sparkling wit. Lord SeCTTLEWOBTH, 
who has dedicated his volume to Mr. 
LUOCCHERE, holds decidedly unorthodox 

- in regard to rhyme, a fact which 
will, of course, render his work all the 

:ng to the crir 


(Before Whittier'g Picture of Him Alexander at the Xeic Gallery.) 




IF those grey eyes be windows of thy 

Let me look in and see 

If there be room for me, 
And no usurper hath my lodging stole. 

" To let, to single gentlemen a heart." 

That face demurely bent 

Is sweet advertisement 
That nature furnished thee as well as art. 

Let me thy tenant be, as is most fit ; 
Kisses in rent I '11 pay, 
And welcome quarter-day : 

We shall not quarrel and I ne'er shall 


THE Kentish IntJependejtt concludes its 
account of a Volunteer smoking concert 
with the words, " Colour-Sergeant B.UTIDN 
proposed the toast of 'D Company,' 
which was enthusiastically drunk."- 
The whole Company ? 

No Deception. 

FBOM a Clerical Tailor's catalogue: 
"The Clerical Lounge Coat has grown 
considerably in favour with clergy-men, 
and it is very popular for parish wear, 
cycling, &c. In this case the vest grows 
out under the jacket and denotes the 



MM:, ii L'l', 1!K)5. 


.1 llY//-A-Hoirii School of Mufki-tri/. 

^Itunl-lndrtictvr, rrjila'imw, llir theory <in<l i*>trrrr of tlie >inr xhort rill,- to *<// ../ 
,,, SKH..I i nsi. IT iim.ui I-\.,I'..H IM i SHKRSTAXH wi-nt H..W ..s KAHTII AM 1 To EXPLAIN IT TU MV MIS'- N.MK n 

Srryriml-liutnu-lor. ".li-i i I-HIN ir To TIIKVI niK SAVE WAY As I'M t:\l-Mlsix.i IT TO TOU, SIR!" 


["'TV m.*t beautiful mwliiiu- dial ran IK- 

HI my u|iiiiiiin. l!n- l.cum 
> r .lu -.inn at an Art Kiliii*- 

[tuily 1'nprr.] 

TlME wa.- when imagi*-! of hron/e :in.l 
of liiore or less ill tin- Ii! 
of men an. I \VIIIIH-II. v. up in 

jnililir pLu-fs for lli- ;nliiiir.itioii tit (lie 
paopk*. TlnTr w.i iK-ra-ioiially a mild 
cunotiily :il*out ilii-in. iiHir.- ofi.-n likink 
iinliff-n-ii<v. iin,,--. iiidiH-il. jivriiij; 
not wholly unjiistitialilc. Tin- oliji-<-ls. 
however, \\lii. Ii for tin- future will 
iloiiiiiiatcour nquarcH ami public gudm 
appeal at . -ii. to tin- a-lli.'lic- M-ii-4-. an. I 
need ni-itln-r i'\|ilanation nor a|- i 

The tniilrr j^ni-ii >>f tin- Bix-ooupled 

Grail Nortlifni i;. "!-. ni^iiif wlii.-li lias 

jart raperaeded \.lnll.- at Park 

I'onii-r harini'iiix-* jn-rfti-ily with tin- 

foliage aroiin.l il. ami it is ilul>tful 

! -wi-llin^ cnrvi-s of its 

fill l.i|i-r .'il liv 

the charming little Ixigie wheels (.f the 
Philadelphia!) locomotive which stands 
when 1 once Shakspcare stood in !> 

The Mark hut comely Xortli-\Vc-.teru 
"ilyer." which has taken the place of 
the (irillin at Temple Bar, causes no 
unwonted ohtruetio:i of the tratlie, 
whil-t il-- capacious "call" Ix'ing only 
ahotit live feet almvc the level of the 
ground affords a convenient refuge for 
timid old la. lies endeavouring to cross 
the s! 

The tint f the Midland tank engine 
which has Ixvn erected in the centre of 
I'iivadilly Circus i> a delight to the eye, 
Ix-nide-i MUU a standing admonition to 
the young hloods of the neighborhood 
that there is no further necessity to 
paint anything red ; and when its lamps 
are lighted up at night, the, in 
spite of the iihsciice of any steam, is 
Unite Wlii-tler. 

We hope s.. .11 I., -MS' the old gold of 
; . inning Hrighloii out-id. -eylin- 

dere I locomotive " li ulicea " "ii the 
Kuihaiikment where formerly there u;is 
an older article of the same name 
contrasted with the varying In 
..then iMMiitiful machines acquired from 
our leading railway conipamr -. 


/'A.- HHy/, 1,'irtMaij "f llii' ftimmt* 
nml Irarlitr of f'.iiij'itnj ten* r,'lflirn' 
Vrnlinj, Mnrch 17. mi trlii-li 
recrircj from tin- Ki"<j Ilif '"" 
manilfrxliifi of tin- It'-nj-il \'irlnrinii ' 

Vot I! motto ever has Keen will lie still 

Throughout your life. " \'<>jr <! pro 


1/ong may yon live, if wishes can avail, 
Mail. Centenarian, Centenarian hale! 

To l.i i. ( I.NH! Shooting. I ' 
Kink, 11. ar Hull. K \cclleiit reference la^l 
tenant. Terms M..-I Mor 

Applv Mrs. H. : care ..f I VN-I.IVVM: 
A ('.. Whitehall. Lmdoii. 

ITXCII, OK' T1IK LMXIHIX CilAIMVAKI. Mutcii i'i', I'.in.V 









llf CollllllllltX, Mllll/llll/ Illl/llt, 

Man-It l.">. " As you say , TOBY, dear boy, 

the skies arc looking a little grcv . My 
lucky star seems to have set. \Villiiu 
the House and beyond it tilings go per 
silently wrong. The way bricks drop 
nut nl the Cabinet, necessitating recon- 
struction, is the latest development of a 
previously painful position. It would 
lie ;ill right it', when a fellow goes, 
whether driven out by the I'lster men <>r 
Comfortably settled beyond the chances 
and changes of electoral fickleness, it 
were not necessary to (ill up the post. 

" 1 Set ween you and me I don't believe 
it is. Here's Cousin S.vusnniY, for 
example, whom I 've just put at the 
Hoard of'l'rade instead of Brother GKRAI.D. 

As far as influence on the Department or 

on affairs of Slate is concerned I might 
jis well have inducted the principal door- 
keeper of the House of lrds. The 
Permanent Secretary ami the .staff could 
have carried on exactly as they will do 
when Cousin S.M.ISIH.'KY drops in of a 
morning and looks round in honourable 
effort to earn his salary, paid quarterly. 
But there are certain customs and tradi- 
tions to be observed, sol pop in SALISBURY. 

"Do 1 thereby escape criticism or 
mollify Opposition: 1 By no means. 
SOAUKS moves adjournment of House 
in order to denounce appointment. 
Might have survived that ; am in fact 
getting used to the process; but then 
1 1 \KI,"I MAIJKS gets up to defend me, which 
1 submit is undeserved discipline. This 
at a sitting following upon ;i division in 
which my majority is run down to 21." 

"In this country," I said, trying to 
comfort I'IMXCK Annul!, whom 1 have 
rarely seen so depressed, " i!l is the legal 

" Yes I know, but then you see I 

IHi. PI-RMS, f.L.D. 

Willi 11, nf, ;mi| liiTks mill \vn>;illu ; <l smiles. 1 


" I absolutely decline to regard Mr. Churchill as being on the earth. I ignore him utterly." 
(Daily Mirror interview with Mr. W-nkl-n, M.P.) 

commenced with a majority of 134. If 
we steadily keep on this track the 
majority will finally disappear. 

" There again vulgar custom asserts 
itself. It is usual when Ministry is 
defeated in division lobby to resign or 
dissolve. I have publicly mentioned 
my philosophic doubts as to reasonable- 
ness or necessity of such desperate 
procedure. All very well for UOSKIIKRY, 
defeated by narrow majority on snap 
division, to observe constitutional usage. 
As Leader of what is left of Tory Party 
I am above sucli considerations. I 
refused to budge when placed in 
minority last Session , shall do it again 
if occasion recurs. But as sure as you 
stand there protests will be entered by 
Opposition and there '11 be a row in the 

" Then why hang on ? Why daily 
fash yourself, or, as a deceased poet has 
put it, 

Is there any peace 
lu ever climbing up the climbing wave ? " 

"Yes, there is the delight of battle, 
the pleasure of seeing right lion, gentle- 
men opposite smacking their lips in 
anticipation of the toothsome bone I 
withhold from their clutch ; above all " 
here PRINCE ARTHUR'S voice touched 
more solemn note " there is duty to 
my country. 

" I confess that even this last impulse 
might fail but for one sustaining com- 

fort. That, as you will guess, is con- 
sciousness of possessing the full confi- 
dence of Mr. PURVIS. Cousin HUGH may 
desert me ; Captain TOMMY BOWLES may, 
on my behalf, make prepanitions for a 
maritime process known, I believe, as 
wjdking the plank; my Cabinet may 
periodically go to pieces as if it were a 
ship over-insured; but KOHKRT PURVIS, 
LL.D., sometime barrister of the Inner 
Temple, stands by me through good 
report and evil report. 

"As long as that sustenance is 
afforded me, so long do I remain at my 
post in spite of a vanishing majority, 
some misunderstanding as to the mean- 
ing of the word Retaliation, and a marked 
absence of enthusiasm at the appoint- 
ment of Cousin SALISBURY to the Presi- 
dency of the Bo-.ird of Trade." 

Thus is the wind tempered to the 
shorn Premier. Though all the world 
betrays him, one sword at least his 
rights shall guard, one faithful heart 
shall praise him. 

When, to-night, attack delivered from 
opposite benches, Dr. PURVIS, LL.D., was 
discovered on his legs immediately 
behind the stricken figure of PRINTK 
At; i MI it, loud laughter rose from the lips 
of disappointed malignancy. Opposition 
broke into storm of ironical cheers 
what time Member for Peterborough 
stcxxl with notes of speech in left hand, 
dangling from right forefinger, 

..| > 


, 1905. 

A* Acrns 

Mr. WalUr Long. with mil bu experience. will find the Madeline 1 terrier a tou^h custo.i.e-r 

to muzzle. 

bead intenugatorily ( <iu one -id.-, a- 
you will see a rul>in. halting for moment 
in approach t<> enticing crumb. 
fiir note cif portable danger. 

Tin-re is Boroething positively cherubic 
in tli. f h KM-, nmedung 

inoUntlv winning in 
that diaaniw |>litical 

little eaaay, 

written ..lit 

- childlike smile 
austerity. His 
which should have been 
U.,k. w;ia soon 

read, witli nod- an.l U-rks ami wreathed 
-.mile-ial which tin- "ppo-iiion, restored 
to giml liiuiiniir. laughed Iwick. 

Thus wa* the way prepared for I'liivri. 
ANTHIB. who trod it with lightened heart. 
and a step to wliifh returned its former 

Bun'inr** ./<>< Ministerial majority 
run down v> L'l. 

\ i.jht D|,| Men, U-: 

lately crossi-d tin II hi> former 

li-adcr. whereas (iiaM-nrii, Iteiny in 
opposition with SIUHWII N-nnin .m:. 

.il his vietini siileways fniin the 
.-..rner seat below the (Jan^uav. At 
>iu-|i times it was Si \Hlil RoHBOMK'l 
wont In oliservea ciirinus haliit of |.hysi- 
cally makim,' as little of liiniM-lf as 
He thrust his hands up the 
i-ufT of eith.-r c.ul -l.-.-ve, sliniK'K'-'' ''is 
sluiiililers. l>eiit his head, ami Imjied the 
storm would pass over it. I'IMVI. 
Altrilt K lolls on the Treasury IJeiich look- 

r.ii^ht In-fore him. with stiidimi- :iir 
of indifference U-trav.d l.y eoiinteiiancc 
clouded with rare anger. 

<lonr. I'IIIVCK Alcllll I! pi' 
1. 1 apply guillotine prcn-eas to 
Supplementary Estimates. 'I'his a new 
departure in gagging jxilicy Ititterly 

many of the' date left now listening t.. resented by Opposition. 
WrWTOW CWJaCHIU. denouncing IViv ! 
Amu'lTs unconstitutional methods, re- 

call analogous ftctne that pa.-vs.-l a quarter 


that ;u-c.iuiits of tinancial year must IH- 
closed on the .'list. Time is short anil 

s|ieeclics are long. Mu-t therefore 

<>lije<-l of att;u-k ill hurry up with guillotine. Accordingly, 
he placiil SI\KM>KII two whole mttings .amply siiHieient for 

of a century a. 

1880 ft *q. was the . 

Nommnrre; nnoailnnt (IHINUHI-II. then diecuamkn of the votaa, an abaorfaM m 

making way to the front an leader of wrangling on question when or how 

tin' Kourf ill be approached and disposed of. 

Much in common in style of father An vvi\ riuovvi - a|,poinli-<l to H^ir-l 
and aoa. The mine dn.-. t hitting out of Agriculture ill place of WMIII: 1>>M. 
fram nhoulder; tin k of defer gone to Irish office, mat pear 

ence to age and authority; the same ami- al Table to aii-wer i| ue-tioii in new 
pained Bilence on the -id,- when- the Ministerial deceived with 

aaauled Miniat' "> aame cheers iheiirtv . h.-.-rini: from lth sid.-. 

and Liughter in enemy's i-imp as 
IfullyHlirectwl blow 
follows blow. 

Differance n that WlMIDK, 1 

,ker checked irregularity. 
I !iit i -ne i < mid see the words mutely 
ll.i- bp. and through the 
('hand "T I u//i d inuriuured <i I 
:.,ii.d..a tune A: 

; (lv~io m I'h.. 


,11, .-i. dm. Ml- fM-ii when the 
Marijiii- of HMH ha- e\pl.iine.| ihi-iii, 
....ill. I ^n. ho\\ -trange a life lie has 

tnaiiy yean led. He is. for 

example, tin- i -nix 111. ill ill either House 

who ha- Iw i.-e moved the Addi 

lime al o|>eiiiii^,' of S---ion l>~' 

.ill irllllll lo (Hiwer of the late M\IIK|ss 

in I -sr, | M i . i-d i nary ca-e> honour of 

-.Irrll. II for ill. -ervire -lllliee- fol'life- 

lime ; ilesir.dde applicants are numerous. 
Vet t\v iee I K-iovv. duly uiiifomieil. 
le in tin- ca parity. 

lleredilv may p..--iKlv have something 
to do with unparalleled cirrum-laiu e. 
The IM w Chairman of Commiltn - in the 
lairds eon,. "f Speaker-. Tlin-- 

of his ancestors have in sin 
in the ( 'hair of the Hoii-e of ( '. .Minions ; 
IIS therefore not unnatural that 

dalit should twice lie called u | on 
.1- -pr.iker moving the Address. 

Al a later for full six > 
i K-IOVV was concurrently 1'nder 
tary for the Colonies and I'mler Secretary 
for India. This happened al time when 
ll\i:i>\MCKK. api-ointed I'nder S.i r.-lary 
for India, was engaged in dissolving 
lii- partnership in Stock r'.xcliange tirm. 
When l'\ .I. -T. Secret i ry of Stale for 
forth for South Africa, 
0\-|,.\v a^ain doubled hi- part. I.eing 
Uith I'lider Secretary for the Colonies 
and acting Secrelarv of Stale. In the 
great , -vents of I'ul.lic Life O\-l.o\\ is 
always plural. Which is singular. 

Finally, nominated to Chair of C.,m- 
- in the House of l-ords. he, | end- 
ing apl-ointment of succc. or. continued 
lo jierfonn duties of 1 'resident of Hoard 
of Agriculture. Hut line must lie drawn 
si ,mew here, anil during this interregnum, 
which last.-. I -,-veral Weeks, lie was not 
summoned to Cabinet Council, whither 
he had formerly bn-n hidden. 

Settled down now. Hut who shall say 
where and in what capacity the Minis 
l.-rial Handy Man may next turn up? 

Hintini'Kn iluii,. I >i'-cussing employ- 
ment in Cud XI. 

.g from 
vvell-di'si-rviil jK-rsiinal |ipu 
larity. 1'retty to -,-,- impul-- 
the familiar hymn : 
For he ' jolly giiod Ku i OWES. 

The Comment cf the Classics. 

Hymn mi lurnm'4itiii 'If luf 

" And ull ni.,le to luxury in> 

I'hil.lf ll.irul:!, C:inl.,'l , -l:in/:i 

contiguity of headlines 
ill the I iu 1,1 IH /-.'/-. ning //. r.//./ la-l week : 

i:\iti.v KACIM; KIUTION. 


MAI;, ii 1'2, 1905.] 






9 f- 

5 -5 

'" S 




MM...! 1':'. I 



Aunt ami 


further notice. Ami my Aunt went mi slanging m.- . I had eM-ry aK vcellent opportunities f making my 

own wa\ in the world, and I w.i- -> incorrigil'lx indolent I li'.nl ncglivied them all an. I so f.irtli, all of which 1 

I'm 1 1 1- A.I./ ini-i M-.NM bad beard on several previous < 

. ly making an (I..-! ..hi M>.M\ -luck n\ for me after 

fashion. He 

Ml t ,). -k.-l I'm 1 1 1- didn't think it wan my fault exactly ; Iwa-a.i- . hap 

.,. j,, ,|,, uhuh .-tru.-k one of lli,- !..>!. in -hurt. It wa- ..nly that I wa- naturally 

m f.,nn.ii IM too thkk to leum anything UiorwiKlily, and in fact, what h< 

,ff ill I'll I.) I- 

..ii l.dki drivel 

ml inquired " if I 
nothing lie]. hew ?" it 

I,- an. I I i-oked nix lii-.iil .'Hi 
I har.l at liim. 

unif ' I 'til with it ! l>"n't k.-ep 
I ,ni lh. - In- ha.ln't 

I il rath, i up -ci him. fur hf .1 

had ' ' ihf iii'iim -lit. I 

,-in-e-l nif. wilhutit rcim-mln-ring 

. ii. iini-iancea. 

his eyeglass an if it 

t iim-l h: 
alile lha 

uoiigli." -.."I M.AM. [-..king everywhere Imt at 
g him to lunch xvith me at the Clnl. 
didn't turn up." 

.iv ' " lament. -.1 my di-ar Aunt. 

_-ht t.. In- dining here this evening, and I shall U- 
I if he forgets Ili-il. a- there will lie nolxxly 
o lake in poor Miss VKI IOXXM. ' 

ken in M -11 ' If I had ir.iii/,',/ 

inythi: ncili 1 me to what 1 had lecome. that xvonld 

iave about done it ' 

-e he -cut you -oiii. .id 1'in I.I Is. 

Again 1 trii-d !> i-.ilch M.-N ml Imrk him up to 

tfll hi- iif" il I'Vi-r Init it was no \_ 

II-- '> niiirli I." i-a.-ual fur that ! " Kiiil 
" I.ikrly a- n.'l I ..... vi-r.-lfpi liimx-lf nr .->.iin'llii:r." 
thi- wa- t"" la'l ..f M"\n In- knows pcrfcctl 
iuinlly I-MT >n il'.wn l.i Lnakfasl later than half-past 
I'.m 1 I,, ui In -ii- iinw that he (iinhln't have hi-anl 
i if my an-i'lfnt afl-r all. 

my Annl. "At his a-,-, lit- might t.i 

might call if my Aunt would forgive i! 

lirn roller." Annl Si MN v didn't ol>j,-<-t to the expression in 

ihe h-a.-t in fad. liolh she and I'm I.I I- appeared to think il 

hit i IT rather neatly. Then they asked if MI 'MY cn- 

-idei.-d I wa- likelx to do iM-tierin the Colonies, but M"M, 

l) -ht ,aiid it ju.-l shows how little he ki that 

roughing it was not precisely in mi/ line of coin 

na Hi,,,- I ire may BU] 'ling fairly 

-ick of the suliject. Il wasn't pleasant to fi-el I v. 
dropping, a- ii were, and I knew. I,.,, that when they <lnl 
hear that I wa- scratched for all my i-ngag. n.,-nl-. they 
would I.,- ii" end -orry they had IH-CII so down on me. For 
mx-clf, of coiir-c. I didn't mind a lap. T' 1 the) made 

at. the more sali-tied / fell at U-ing no 
i- i- i-lcd with such a wa-ler. 

Still, il struck me it was ijiiite lime to switch MOMY mi to 
-me pleasiinter lo|.i>-. so I got quietly down from the 
and. si.-aling up I.ehind hi.- chair. I scratched him gently 
jll-t alixe hi- coal tail Inill' 

He turm-d -harp round and saw me. 1 
^o i|i! Imt he f<i\,l nothing. 

I'm afraid. -Mr. Hi.i M-H.I ." .-aid my Aunt, noticing how 
he was shifting admit in hi- Beat, "that xou have el 
rather an nncomfortalile chair?" 

M..SIV siiid, "(>h. not at all m".-' comfortable," and 
im|ui--ed if I' "had done the Academy x Which, 

as it didn't open for BOOM day-, was a silly UK thing i 
even for Mo\n lint I don't l-elievi- he knew 


--r.icffnl ! " 
be laliainei 1 nf --u,-h la/y. idle halm-. " 

ilii- I." put in MMY. 

haan't anything partii-ular I" di> when hi- ii up." 

"Thru \tfin-jlil In ha\f '" my Annl and 

" I 'in always li-llin' him hf ilm-sn't take half oimngh 
. adde|. 

He w.. id. In I lia\>- -aid that if he had M-en me jumping 
.il.'iil all the afterno.n with that c<infiiunde<l tambotinne! 
And M"M>. t". , whi lak,-- all /. in a nmtor ! 

" I didn I HUM- .1 Aunt SKII\\. "I mesin' 

KMT\ 'ii ought to have some 

mun-, and said that, for his |Kirt, he 

found U-ing at the liar had made all the difference to him. 
\\~lint difference knoxving that his name was painted 

..I-- some door in Lincoln'- Inn which he never liy 
any chance darkeniil. I fancy Master MMY wouldn't have 
found lain. Hut my Aunt said she was glad 

to think that I had m- friend xxhosct me a gixnl example, 
and U-ggi-d him I" look after me as much 
which i. trying to look as like the infant SXMIKI. in 

planter a- he could at Mich short notice, replied that -he couh 
i him In do hi- Ix-sl to k,i-]> me mil ,.f any 

Tin- notion of old Movn ax my guanlian angel was BO 
rich that I couldn't n-sist grinning at him from U-hind tin 
journal and 1 KIW him ga-p. No doulit he thought that 
for a monkey, I wan a trill,- liar. Imt he i 

hat he irnx siying jusl then. 

"Arc von ,/n'il,' sure the monkey i-n'l Uithering you'.' " 
-'.e.l I'llYi l.i- ; " I thought he was mi the sofa." 

"Oh. then then i/.,n noticed it too?" ].r old M 
ilurle<l out. 

"Why. of course it 's mine." .-aid 1'imi.i-. " I "lily bought 
t this afterni-mi. I hope yon 've no antipathy to moid 

"(Ih. not a liit ! " said Mo\n, l.eginiiing to turn a 
xhole-omer colour. "Can't s;iy I exer kept one i, 
ml awfully fond of them, a-siin- vou I am." 

(in which PHM.I.IS gave the hi-tory of my ].urc! 

"Wish ymi'd told me you were on the look-out I 
nonkey. Si Us AM id that blundering asa MMX., 

iii-e / could have got you one from a man who 
some clinkers real xxell luvd on,--, don't you know th. 
hey don't s,-nd out with organs! ' 

hni.l.i- I'le her! with a slight fall of tempera- 
lure that she was "afraid she preferred toclnxise her p.-i 
lierself. and that I xvas the only monkey she had ever 
that she could imagine herself caring for in the ! 

Which was one in the eye for old .M"S n ! 
i.. ,|,-|.i-e him now; my ]Hisition in iht 

I could afford 
hoii-eliohl was 

already seenre. llefore -he was much older. I'inili- \\.'iild 
U- proud that she alone had had the insight to detect my 
marvellous superiority ! Si. as I sit in one of the w indow- 
..iling my tail among the marguerites that tilled the 
ll.iwer Ix.x. I allowed my-elf lo dream of my coming glory 
till MM K..W came in with afternoon tea. 

Her,-. 1 thought, was a good op|Miriimity t,, show that I 

i f,-ctly familiar with the ordinary -. ,-ial ameiii< 
waa in niv Aunt's,- almost in the position of 

to speak and anyway 1 wasn't going to let .M"\n attend to 
'- want- while 1 wa- there t.. look after hermv-elf! 

p. .-ill. 
let MI 

MAW 11 L'l', 


So I made a her line for the tea-table, de,-ide.| upon, and a |iii|iianl pair pink 

I, nt it 

and got '"'''I "' a plate of hot tea-cakes 
and anothrr of riirnmber sandwiches. 

Perhaps 1 was too impetuous; my 
\vrist-; were weaker than I had thought, 
and. as usual. I did not take my tail into 
deration. The result was that 1 not 
onl\ -hot the rakes ami encumber sand 
s over my cousin's charming alin- 
IVock. hut upset the cream-jug into 
Aunt Sr.l. ISA'S la]i. 

It uas awkward, of course 
might have happened io an\ 
without necessarily pulling.' 
him out of roiinlriiaure , it 
was llir kind of thing which 
a man of the world could 
pass oil' easily enough with 

a graceful apology or a witty 

remark, and perhaps make a 
friend for life into the bar- 
gain. Only, unfortunately, 
siti:alrd as I was. I could do 
nothing at all just thru rxrrpl 
gibber and I realised that 
one of the undeniable draw- 
barks to monkey-existence is 
that one is so apt to get mis- 
understood over the merest 
trifles. F. A. 

budget of fact and fancy, sobriety ami 
spirits, didacticism and <lnnlilf-f,ttfn<liv 
may Confidently be expected. 

Fluttering offera of amalgamation havo 

been made Io the Tiini'.-: by \ariou- 
enterprising joiirnaU, including the 

llmit'-i'li'ii lli'i'illil and the Tn,:tii<i/ Hi:- 

Advertiter, bm the great threepenny 

intends to remain independent. The 

oid\ coiice-.sion it proposes to make to 
the new spirit is the addition of three 
more' special Supplements each week : 


THE new crepuscular blend 
in newspapers, by which, in 
exchange for the old and 
familiar Kn'it'uxj Standard and 
.S'(. Jaim'x'x we get a totally 
fresh paper, which calls itself 
both, but is really neither, is 
only the beginning of a vast 
series of partnerships, not 
alone ill journalism, but in 
other walks of life. 

Perhaps the most interest- 
ing of the imminent news- 
paper amalgamations is that 
of the Spec/at. H- and the 
^jioi'tiiiij Tiiiit'x, which have 
de 'ided to join forces for 
weal or woe. It is intended 
to retain the best features 
of both papers, and experts 
are even now at. work early 
to discover what these are. 

been arranged that the department of 
machinery, engineering, and incident 
shall be exclusively mini-led to the 
talented authoress of \\'illi/ Mnxli. Mr. 
Kiri.lNci confining his attention entirely 
1:) theology, psychology ami " Society " 


Mr. Sn.\s K. Hoc M\,, all i| Mrs. KI.ISOK 

(il.YX have ;;l Q signed the article- Q! 

literary parlnership likely to be fraught 

with the most exhilarating effect on the 

Nonconformist conscience, while recent 
advices from live conlirm the rumour 
that Mr. lb:snv .1 A.MKS has 
decided henceforth to join 
literary forces with ASSIK 
S. S\VAX. The title of their 
forthcoming novel, we under- 
stand, in to be '/'/ Si/i-,'1- 

In the drama the principle 
of amalgamation has already 
been carried very far, Mr. 
Nil IS X. I'AUKKII being always 
at hand to supply any deli 
ciency; but a report is current 
that Mr. GEOKGK Moom: is 
engaged with Mr. \V. B. YEATS 
on a new version of the latter's 
comedy The Pot of llmtli, 
which is to be known in 
future as Tin- Xrcll<in<i I'ot of 

We hear also rumours of 
strange alliances between well- 
known statesmen, the most 
remarkable and incredible of 
I which is that of the intended 
amalgamation, with an iden- 
tity of interests, of Mr. BALKOUH 


Words wanted to express feelings. 


and late 


the results are known, a member of the 
advertising staff of the Timcx will pro- 
Ceed to instruct the world concerning 
them iu one of the new serial, or feuille- 

one on Tuesday devoted to the stage ; 
another on Thursday dealing with 
women's fashions ; and on Saturday a 
third entirely concerned with football. 

We may add that negotiations are on 
foot for merging the Quarterly lieriew 

ton, advertisements, which are rapidly j in Home Clint, but difficulties have arisen 

in regard to the format and title. It is 
hoped, however, that these will be 
successfully surmounted by the tact and 
urbanity of the gentleman who is acting 

I iming si alluring a feature of the 

daily press. It is not yet decided what 
the new paper will be called, opinions 

ating I iel wee i the Nyoy/niy 


and the I'/nl; >'/. 
tween the roseate 
irradiates Satnrdav 

A compromise be 
blush which now 
with joy and the 
virgin and austere whiteness of the great 
Free Trade weekly will probably be 

as intermediary. 

In future Mr. Kiri.ixn will write all 
his hooks in collaboration with Mrs. 
Hi Mi'iiiiv WAIID, but in order to add 
freshness to the new departure it has 

FROM the List of Regula- 
tions in the " Hotel Middle- 
Kingdom," Peking. 

The persons lodging to 
hotel are prayed to give their 
name the day of their coming. 
To know its coming's day. 
To let to the persons wishing 
call on them to know their 

The travellers will have to hotel, all 
goods necessary. They are prayed to 
take its drink and other consummations 
at the house. 

One day's letting comprises a bath ; 
if the traveller wish one or several 
otherbath he must pay more. 

The bill of fare of every days com- 
prises several dish well matched. If the 
traveller wish other dish or betters , he 
will pay likewise more. 

The travellers are prayed to make its 
purchase out of the house; in order to 
introduce in the hotel any little mercan- 
tile, which would commit some indeli- 



L'-'. 1 



clmniclcr it i- It i- >! -i incredible a atatemnan who cr.-ate<l the C,.|,.nial l.mpir. which 
home pohti. -hoiil.l grovel in 

in 1. 1. -tin. lie mule like ' 

iiuide perfect \,\ a pair . U|| | :l | u ^. | M i,,~-lf In-fore a homely donkey like (. 
N know.' Aft. i | I,,, fi.,i||\ -,-eiu- in-4-palal.le Irom I a of 

uli.'iu the letter wa- m l-;,,^,..!, I'temier. I. \\ln-n Mi < <\ M.-IM-' . 

trip. imc\|Mi I. dl\ l.iiind hiin-<'ll earned 
.'11,-,-n \V|..|:i v a let 1 - 

t\l- than [ -uth l(ij . humbly explaining the accidanl a.-.-ount- 

ill.iftlic .- ;,(,!,. | , ,,inpli-hed without lir>t having 

the consent ot mistreea. 


hid Ut-n liniit'-l I" : wolll.l have tarn in.- 

dutiful .Icfcn-nce M 

li.-r ju-tly r< 
..f public intercut, and in it 


All mix ' t..\\li.ini ..d title appeali 

iiiu-t iif.i-arily IK- attracted l.\ ..f WII.IIVM 

n* minx newapa] 

in a mill ' 

Thi Uk of |-n.| 

remove in fni in 

i ' : 

from l.,t.-t romance. '/'/..- I'. I//.-./ </// >'/(././.. Mimi:s And 

in a half|.enn\ they will n. ppointed. The mv .11 Started, 

X ptOBOHi to build himaaU and the -- nt cl.-\.-rly pr.--.Tved tlinxighont. The >keteh 

. . H a n-mark aUmt nf Kin^ lliviillili.f Italy, the /',i/< (J -,,i of the story, 

_, liur-i inlere-ti:i in which either 

.v lon k ' do they Hi- Maj.-l> him-elf ap|M-ar> or hi- inllm-nee i- felt. I 

.d mended Kironially. 

ill. I r-i nil. 
a mm- Kl.-mi-li il vvmilil IH- \\.-ll In 

I. Nil. I. III. 


elf wax an excellent letter-uritt-r. ami w.i- tl ' l.-lt'-r 

Fll/tiKK\U'. Ardllii-lmp TliK.MII. 


i if Fii/.timvii', 

.,ii..ili th.- Itarmi. I liav.- ju-t liiii-li.-.l r.-a.lin^ KMII. 
mrlh, Ml II I/.N'.M' 

and ha\imr >tal.-.| the fact. I ha\e no iloiibt you. my r.-.i 
may. like Mr*. .W>i/'i;ir../. " I"- impatient to know how the 
little Mussy deport- li.-r-.-lf." or rather, how F.lltK H 
d.-|Kirts hiiiLself when writing aUmt a -pi.rlini; voiin^ lady. 
' Hi- life and iMUversiitinn are the m.-t T|,,. Haron with ^r.-ate-t pl.-acure replies at u \dmir- 

phil.~ipliicof any I know. They approach in grand :1 |,|.. . i- indeed B moat amiable person, but 

1 ' l....-. i y ( /,,i.;,,/',; / i- one of tl 

wh.^<- acijuaiiitanc.' the impressionable Baron ha- 
had the op| irtuiiity of makiiit;. C.entlc, -en-il.le. 
lovahle. a thorough >port-uoman and lir-t rate hor-ewonian. 

writ in 
and F 


.me of the nian.-l- of i-outentment in 
. ithoiit his dirt." Then- are similar iketchei 
i:,. and the F.ttrick Shepherd, tempting for ,.\,. r 
quotation. The re-ad.-r nm-t li.k them up for !iini.-.-lf. 
he way he will U- enchanted by the plea-ant 
talk of cultured men. 

adds the Itanm who enjoy.-.! the privilege of his 

SMv|i:.uiit.incc. slli-0-.-ded KKUHLE UH Licens<-r of 

fiavH, and did his work so efficiently, and so courteously, that 
idon th.Mtrii-al nvinagcrs |.n-sento<l him with a testi- 
monial. Strani;el\ enough, thoiigli in such clots* 1 and con- 

. i-..iiiiiiuiiii-.ilioii with tin- KiiiliiiK a.-tor- of his tinw, 
iv aUnit tin -in. only c-nrsorily niriitinnin^ 
.li.. nunif. I iy tin- wa\. .!.- not ap|-ar 

in tli.- lii.l.-s . an.l iiii-i.l.-ntallv >|^-.ikiiiK of ClIAIM.^ KK\\ 



ami Am Mr. h 

" My opinion of the wicial uuality of acton 

with TOOT own. I bare rarrly found thrtn good company, except in the 
. -. 1 : i -__~4,.._ _k;^l, ,00,, p,U on the tamte." 

i,f adore coincides very nearly 

This is one among u<>t a few . \.>inpli* where the scisaore 
could have been> \\*+\. Having to n-|irt oflicially 

witliout |M-'HI in tin- ICM-I d.-^ni- a "lior-.A" wmnan, 
fnv from all "s'nlc" am! from i-\i-i\ >u> of ^-lallK. 
she i- a rr.-ation of whom any author miyht \\vll IK- 
pnniil; ami if *\i<- !> a iM.rtrait. thi-ii i- Mr l'.u:i: Hi- 
be gr.-ally .-ii\ic-.l his know;.- of the original. S|irtiiiK' 
liovi-N of former ilays. ahvay- e\i-eptini; th..-e of Captain 

II \\VIM SMM:I. whii-li. however, wen- more concerned wit 
r.iciiitf than with 1 ..... tin.^'. were not alway- the -.ft of l.ks 
that yon wonhl f.i-l jnslilied in recommending a- cjuite lit 
fora lady's |x>riisal. Hut h.-n- i.- a p.-i -f.-ctly pure, rountry- 

..I. fn-hair slory. .-imple a- it ran lie made, and, 
granting the eccentricity of one character, perfectly natural ; 

i cleverly managed that you are iiit.-r.-ieil in it fn iin 
-tart In finish. The character- are ordinary types, strikingly 
indmdoaliaed ; the scenes are as cleverly invented as they 
are wittily described ; runs with harriers and f.'vhouiiii 
vividly narrated, and though tl;. of it all is li^lit- 

he irtdlne . yet there an- moments in th. I the tale 

1 uave ueen juuicioiisn iweu. UUIIJK i" n-pn UUKIAUJ . ..i i i i i i n 

on the theatrea a* buildings, he writ.-* m ISC,:;. - Th,- /,/. "h.-n the reader, should he have mislaid his handkerchief, 
horrM. - l.n.lmuh a >A. UV I,* Wl11 n-R" 1 ' llls ***> : "" W1 " ll " " '"-' '"' ' 

drfttiwj-roomt tlii* year. TaUt of Ireland uiul 
pigitir* (I, ulinf*t compared to tome of 

th te room* 'l li'ilf 'i dozen timet 

my. to disx-mlile hi- feel- 
ings, somehow or another con- 
(riving to wipe from his manly 


M* f nuiv vw . a i it i i 

-. in tin- pre-,-,,1 v.-ar of K race. cheek the tell -tale ,-i-n ol UT6 
ill accordaniv with truth would presM ble emotion. I he HarOB 

could quote from k , than 

one M-elie of ip-nte excellent 

comedy , and congratulates him- 

hat there has ji add.-.! 

,,.,!. MMMIIHS. 

..f ChaAum, in which Mr. FRKI+:HI. IKuiiiHox preaenta 

within mall . .i,.p..^a nuui. ' Id-- 

Iy in his put.lic i.ire.-r but in his private 
tiotu the individuality of tl- <!n-at Commoner aUnda forth 


alile tn recom- 

mend, without any -ort of reser- 
vation, XP delightful a stor\ to 
all who do him the honour to 
.poii. his 
iivfulh ...ii-idcr.-d a.! 



MARCH 29, 1905.] 




A Hoi SK-M \STK1('S DlAHY, 1910. 

(// tin- l''ii(lili.ilx linn- llii'ir \\'/ii/.} 

Mm/ "i. The boys have returned. The 

annexe for valets will lie taxed to its 
utmost capacity, but alter all it is my 
own idea and a nuieli better one than 
allowing servant.-, to live in rooms or in 
low public-houses in the town. Valets 
will l:e valets. 

Mai/ s. Everything is going s\vim 
Illinois, a vulgar l>nt expressive phrase. 
Ih'KissoN Major, who is head of my 
lion.-e. was (jiiite nice aliont the three 
course luncheon, only he suggested thai 
there should always lie sweets. He 
quit agreed with me that ten o'clock was 
early enough for breakfast. Very wise 
of him, as boys cannot really have tOO 

imich sleep. 

Mm/ l.'i. Wife much di>tres.-ed by an 
angrv letter from Sir. Ions Mil. I no\i, com- 
plaining that his son, who is by no 
manner of means an athlete, has been 
given chicken for dinner twice during 
the past week. Wrote m\ self to point 
out that it is a most dillieiilt thing to 
provide a complete change of diet during 
the elose season for game. iMfm. Seethe 

MIII/ --. Have been annoyed b\ con- 
siderable rowdiness <if some of the junior 
members of my house. Tile trouble 
arose from the absence of l>lcM.\>o\ 
Major and a few of his friends. Had 
not their absence been absolutely impera- 
tive I think I should almost have refused 
them leave, However, they all motored 
to town yesterday, and I scarcely know 
when they will he back. I MCNKXSON 
assured me that his valet had shaved 
him carelessly on Sunday morning, while 
the crease in SrKlN'llAl SKN'S trousers was 
neither distinct no!' regular. .Something. 
of course, hail to be done. They will 
return when they have found suitable 
servants, and then, perhaps, the house 
will be quieter. A house-master's life 
is full of anxiety. 

lime. 13. A third letter from Dr. 
EENLEIQH complaining of his son's 

spelling. (Mi'in. 1 iinixt pass these 
letters on to his tutor.) 

'lull/ Id. House much disorganised 
by magnificent successes in the field 
and on the river. DICKKNSON Major and 
!OM:S a iv disinclined to breakfast before 
eleven, which throws back the hour for 
luncheon. Ihid.'isox and Li:i: Minor will 
insist mi getting up at eight o'clock, 
at their tutor's suggestion. I have 
Written to their parents. 

lull/ -<>. As term draws to a close, 
and all of us masters, boys, and valets 

feel exhausted. I have introduced a 
System of tonics. "Tonics" may become 
historic. 'The hours at, present are 
10.30 (before breakfast), 3.30 and 8.30 


Vifiir'x Hunt/liter (meeting one f>f her class}. " WKI.I., JASE, I HEAR yoi; 'VE Ji'sT r.K.EN To 
June. " YES, Miss." 

1 "ii-nr'a Daughter. "AND WHERE DID YOU STAY?" 

Jane. "AT MY SISTEU'S, Miss." 

Virarn lliillijliter. "AND WHAT PART <>; LiiNMiS IS THAT? 

(before dinner). DlCXEHBOH Major was 
annoyed to-day because his tonic was 
taken out to him while batting against 
the M.C.C., but I do not see what else 1 
could have done. 

I ah/ 25. How different things are from 
what they used to be. Letter from an 
old boy saying that since he had left he 
has discovered that prison fare is more 
nutritious than the food he was given 
when at school here. He added that 
prisoners even the most culpable are 
allowed to sleep longer than he was. 
To-day we have changed all that, and 
next term I shall have enlarged the 
annexe. Every boy will have his valet, 

and every valet will have to speak at 
least two modern languages before he is 
qualified. We can then smile at Com- 
pulsory Greek. Other masters may 
disagree with me, but 1 can also afford 
to smile at them. Pioneers are never 

AugustlS. Been reading Tom Brown's 
Schooldays. Tempora mutant ur et not. . . 

A DUBLIN grocer advertises his butter 
thus : 

Best Danish 1/2 

Best Creamery 1/3 

No Better * 1/4 

\ i n i \ \ \ i ' 

1-1 VH OR 1HK I.M>".\ < IIM;l\ MM. 



.1 \\ltll I.: '''I .ll'.l 

in-K-iiig iuf..riiMii..ii 
l.\ name I shall i. ill her, bad 



t!i.~,- wh.. clatter through ih-- 

i.f heraldry f power 

. . . ted bust will 

f faithful --i 

i . ., ..'. . i . . . 

.(! | ,| l.y birth, inheritance :in<l 

. . i i, < ancient guild F 1 i ft 

[ U-dm.ik .ml.ridge. 1-or more 

had mmi-l.-n-d I" l!i- \\.ini.- "f ' 
.ited i.i ihvi-ll <m -mi' -if tin- staircases 
urt uf Trim' tin- Court of 

||, ..H .,...1 (,'uccn KM/MHHI ale 

. tin' Ihill and tin- Chapel, 

,-s id.- U'.intiful fountain rii-li with 
-.Ue tracery Aini.Ut these scenes of venerable splendour 

rrii-d on IHT il 

I if ill.-..- -he hail. Ilk,- all tin- n :.- di-tingui-hed b.-d 
maker*, no IIH'.III conception. Shi- paid a pro|cr alti-ution 
in (lit- strictly In uliceni (.arts of lu-r profession. Iml she by 
.M-UIIS cnntimil herself In llii-in ; for -he could lay a cloth 
with neatness and set -ml a breakfa-t or a lunch table with 
unvarying suet-en*. Sin- made tin- tea strong ami of a good 
healt tint, for slif so.rned the effeminacy of tlu> leas 

highly -coloured leaves; anil for ihiwe masters whom -li>- 
denigBfted to honour she was always willing to compose a ilish 
i if buttered eggs. She has even Uvn known to bring a 
savoury l>eef -teak pudding, her own daOMBtM manufacture. 
into College under her shawl, and to produce il -darning for 
the enjoyment (if her undergraduates. All she a-k.-d on 
throe occasions was that no wrap should U- left in tin- Ixiwl. 
ami this i-a-y tribute to her skill ami )>enevolence was always 
duly paid. Then, when the table ha, I Uvn i anil the 
room prepared for reading. >he woiihl s-'k and ni-eive the 
!l ciiiiHirageinriit ihiil WJIH uecwwnry to i-.inx- her In open 
ilie grenl BtOtMIOMM of her e.\|M-riem-e. and bring forth from 
il tn-asiin* of gossip and ami-dote matched only in the pages 
at Dli MS- \Vhen that was over she Ux>k her shawl from its 
peg. tier basket fmin it-. ni\>terioiis hiding place, and so pro- 
ceeded homeward. 

lire. Hua.lNs alway- retained and di>pla\nl a high respect 
for tliirM- ili-iin. II,MI~ of rank on which our - i.d i,nl.-i i- 
found- d A btdnkat in the adjoining N.-\ lie's ( 'onrt she 
cnomdered. and often treated, OH an equal ; to a bedroaker of 
the New C.,url she extended u patmnage which was not 
without pity; but no power on earth could havelinmght her 
to admit that a bednuiker whuc sphere of work lay in the 
Matter's t'.urt was entitled to a pm-edcmv even of the 
hiiiiibli-i kind She wn once asked by an nndergradualc 
to attend a prayer-meeting in the suburb of ilarnwell, but 
he exrusil herself with the dignity that never desert.-d her. 
' llw w.w I to know." she said afterwards, "that si.. 
them people I m>-t there mightn't , .n,,- calling on me at my 
home nev It was an unanswerable assertion of sclf- 

reapeftuiK' <-\i luwveneas. 

In tl f her career the liad aaaociute.1 on i. 

fainili.iritv with many wh-i poawwed titlea, and of these she 
always spoke with a becoming reverence. One mysterious : 
indeed, there seems to have been, who, as an undcrgrad 
married a bedmaker'a daughter, 'and took away the title 
fnwn his Mster, Uie Ihicbeas, pore dear, aud 'er "eart," 

(hat tin' broken heart \\.i- that of 

\Vh.iih the lowly wife was not recorded 

i if .dl her masters, in their relation ! M:- rll'iiOIXS the\ 
imiiion li-T l>\ the affivtioiialc and familiar al 
i v' it may U- s.ud thai, whether they v 
!u-d their full glory in her > 

oiil> aftT they had left Cambridge. While tl,- I in j 

,. iheir ucially elasseil by their Un. 

ii.iidian m an ord.-r ,,f merit corresponding with 

i itality and the I,vkle-sm- 

iheir U'liaMoin l'ii--e uli- i;.i\e dmii.-r p.uti.-- , 
of her f.iMnir. If, in addition, they delinl th>- 
aiillioiitics. they backed in a |T|H-t ual snn.-hine of approval 
tin the other hand, .-he professtsl all impatience amounting 
almo--t to di-like of lh-,-e who. ordering nothing from the 
kitchen-. -!,-!., in, --1 natiin- n p ,lt>-d 

Bgnmenta of effla from ih<- countn to the detriment of the 
|, gr, . D retiirnin : -i ward- 

In tl,. nth. would lie told lhal thing- had 

-.idly altered since their own great and memorable ,1 
that hospitality.-, pro|,i-.!\ pi.trt: -i-d by them, wa- n..w a 
lost art ; that dean- and lulor- were allowed to have matters 
their own way in-lead of having to light, a- they ii-cd t ,. for 
an uncertain supremacy; and that, in fact, ( 'ambri-lge wa- 
not. and never could ! again, what il had In-en. I >nce, 
when the mildest niannenil man that ever k, pi a chapel or 
icIiiM-d to cut a lecture brought hia wife to Cambridgi 
a u red him, in the presence of (he lady, that she -till 
remembered, and would ever remember, the night on which, 
having dined with ivventy others, "all in scarlet i,, 
nio-t of em under the table, he had hurled impn-eali, 
the junior dean from the middle of the . t. Then, 

taking the wife a.-idc. she loudly w hi-jnTed some word- of 
counsel in her i-ar. lagging her a- -In- valued her hap) 
and her life, " not to cr..-- that man." 'I In- lady smiled; the 
husband U>amed with an air of i-onscioiis devilry ; Mr-. 
Ill .. i, is- alone was |>crfii-tlv s.-iioiis. 

Of KIN,, KI.H M:II nil. SKVI.SIII she always spoke with a 
loyalty Ixith frank ami venerating. She remembered him as 
an Undergraduate, and waswonl to declare that a- he walked 
- the Court or came into a n>m there shone from the 
corner of his eye a look that suggested cheerfulness while il 
inspired confidence. 

For Ixindon she had but a -cant rc-pect. The jmrtcrs at 
it- railway stations, she .-aid. |K'rmitted a passenger who vva- 
Ixiund for Cambridge to take a seat in a train destined to 
arrive at Kew ; its lodgings were disgraced by tin- pre-em-e 
of what she called " live-stock "; while it- -treet- lacked the 
-parkling streams which beautify tho>e of Cambridge ( in 
the other hand she a|>pni'iatiil very highly the com 
I>rury Line audience which, she related, had risen at her 
entrance and saluted her with cheers, evidently knowing who 
she was and whence she came. 

Of the instruments of science she had an in, i.idicable 
sii-picion. Chancing to see a theodolite in .le-u- Line -he 
waited half an-hour ami then urge- 1 the survey , ,r !, get lu- 
sh, Kiting done ijniekly, s.-eing thai hom-.-t folk- wanted i 
to their work. On being told afterward- that he who 1, 
through such an in-triiiuent saw |niip|i- np-ide i|,,wn >li-' 
e\press<Kl a gresit horror, asserting t'lal no mortal man should 
with her own consent behold her with her clothe- Hying 
h.-r head. 

May sh-' rest ill ] eace To t hose w I --lie tidied 

and in whoHe wants in sickness ur in li-^lth she attended with 
unfaltering Kcal she will always stand as the great exemplar 
of all that a U-dmak-T should he, for she wa- faithful, 

industrious, warm m friendship, comfortable and kindly in 
h.r mini-tration-, and of an honesty far beyond the reach of 
envion- tongues. Tho-e who follow after will do well to 
imitate h.-r virtues. ];. C I. 



Mr Auxin .n-KunsrKii, while c.\]^ liis great appreciation of the Volunteer Force, proposes to reduce it by 35,359 men.] 

MARCH 29, 1905.] 




Jimmy (iclio has several times asked his mother, uho is busy, to get him something from upstairs). "McMMY, DEAR, IF YOU'RE AFRAID 



MR. PUNCH, SIR, I have just, read in a 
worthy publication a critique of the 
views of Dr. EMIL RKICH, an eminent 
Hungari-in, who says that Imperialism 
degrades and unsexes women. I was 
appalled : he seemed to have behind 
him the authority of the Reichstag. 
The truth, as a local poet observes, is a 
stranger to fiction. My imaginings had 
been indeed astray. Incidents which I 
had regarded as nugatory assumed an 
imperial significance. 1 reflected upon A my first-born, and was astounded. 
What I had thought mere perversity 
and narrowness of view (she is over 
eight years of age) became protracted 
into dim infinity. Her attempts to flirt 
with the gardener's son were justified. 
Ft was the price she had to pay for my 
Imperialism : it was a deliberate en- 
deavour to flirt imperially. (I may say 

that he is of colonial extraction- -White- 
chapel, I believe.) 

My second-born, ADOLPHULA, whose 
waitings I had unhesitatingly stigma- 
tised as unearthly, was instantly absolved. 
She was the voice of Imperialism. Again, 
when I considered the love of gossip 
exhibited by my patient MARIA, I had to 
admit that she was a mere counter in 
the hands of Imperialism : her remarks 
were imperially unseasonable. JAKE 
the housemaid, who is perpetually 
breaking articles de vertu, had to be 
acquitted of wilful negligence : it is the 
price she has to pay for my Imperialism. 
(I may say incidentally that I should 
have been relieved if she had also paid 
the price of the crockery.) Even the 
ccxik is no clog on the wheels of Im- 
perialism. Twice have we found her 
intoxicated before an important dinner 
party. We were then foolishly annoyed. 
We did not understand the true signifi- 

cance of her act. She was imperially 
intoxicated, and was making the noblest 
immolation of her ego to the fumes of 

Sir, such a thought is inspiring : it 
gives furiously to think (a quotation 
from the same local poet). What a debt of 
gratitude do we owe to such an intellect ! 
However angry we may feel, we cannot 
but recognise in all disasters the hand 
of Imperialism, and with bowed heads 
acquiesce in its manifold manifestations. 


TESTAMENT. "The advantage of such 
markings is undoubted, to serve as 
finger-posts to those who are but little 
acquainted with their Bibles. Mission- 
aries and Evangelists will find the book 
invaluable." Rather hard on the 
Missionaries and Evangelists. 

\'\\<\\ MI: III 

i. !.<>M>ON CUM: iv MM. 

MUMI gfl 1 



friend of the f.inulx . ' .i/ AI.M 
l,rtv/ilx rendered l>\ Mr. Khxil si. MM 

{nut. " l.lte |; N 
I:M i ; while Mis- HMI\ 

I If' ..II II ->l.dl I.- I 
nri, iptnin M 

i-. (r 

Mr t 

.ire off- 

mi .1 tin- ll.iwn.ii 

rr ;in cmi- 

skilful pla\ KM -t fur tin- icpresfiitati\c 

iginal plav than 

the pP - 

In-lit ii flli: yet it may mother .Vr. 
or l>.th I- 'Aether, could h.m- 

of tip- \cr\ 
ladies. Mrs 

iatc enthusiastic promoter "f chilis fur 
Mi-llni: Mis- I'\'. MM: \ character in tli<- -linri 

in- ap|-c.irs as .Ui II Until ('../. T with h t >r 
\\ilnnil I'I'IHT. pleasantly rendered hv ' 

Kits \nnii Kutn Mi-s 

T. pe 
iv Mi: 

\-<>i('s |\al nf tin- did 

Mi-iitl\ - 

rtiiinlie- than -cr%anl. /.'.'... ..i. i- thoroughly art 
whii-h h.i >i hievi-d ;i -iicccss Honour- divided U-tw.-cn Mr t '\iili. M u 1.1 , liiil. \| 

lhM\-. and Miss t 'M;II, nv Ai'l'i-os ; and in Second Act 

undoubtedly tin- largest sh. , the child, whu removed fnun what was known in tin- In f .\irh"lnn 

endowed /<rir6i/ and 

MI tin- lull i if lif.- together, fn-c fn 
.iinl trt'uhle. h.ui'l in Ii h "f ilii-iii. .1; 

an infant phenomenon" :i- i- tin- highly- 

.i.iiiilfallii-r and 

tin- |iri^T\.itiiiii "f this 

M \i IH and Mi*.- ( 'M 

Mirdi-n nf tin- ta-k falling. 

C\i:n MM it His tini-hi-d 

grandmother In n 
AlH.- li;htfi 

I to ap|M-al direct to 

the henn d 'A' mailers the pie,-,-? Who 

carM whether it I-.- .(int.- HM-.U.,|,|... or whether it would 
not haV0 ban better had the I'n-h-h ada|'t<Ts kept it all 
French'- Bodl qMBt ion , literary and dramatic, may interest 
fisxsional critii-. but the puhlic cares alx.ut none of 
theae things, and only ^. i>._-.-- drama. riirhtlx enough too. 
tty what it know i.f hunian nature as e\eni| l ; tied in , rdinary 
life. Why. hies* x. -lun-l I'urkr*. I ,i--t .1- repre- 

MMited by CVKII. MM IT. and hi'ly I'nrkfg as plaxi-d hx Mis- 
('UMMTTA Aim.*"*, do exactly what Mr. and Mrs. SMIIII ur 
Sir. and Mr*, .lost-, or our friends the RosUBJNB, would 
hare done in simiLir. or in the same, circunistai 

CXRII. MAI I* gives us that one touch of nature that makes the 
whole world kin when he devotes himself to the child of tin- 
dear son who has deeply offended him hv marrying a shop 
girl. The shop girl herself. Miss .U.-sir Hm:\i\v 
evidently exactly the young lady with whom any straight- 
forward honest young man would have fallen in love, that at 
bight of her reiiMMnliering llrxtfr in TOM HOIIKKT- 
we forgive the impulsive young ( oiardsman everything, and 
only hoj>e that somehow or other the old couple will IN- able 
t<> allow the young jxi.ple something consideralile over and 
bow five hnndre<l a yi-sir. which sum. in addition to his 
has had to suffice l.iriilriiniit L'ii-li,inl 1'nrkfg ( 'nviti K- 
Hivi)not only for his domestic ,xp.-n-<-s. including \\ife. 
child and werxant. hut als > for keeping up appi-arances 
generally as ail officer in the Cuard- 

1'rixate I'AIUKK may be |Kirdoned for ignoramv as to the 
fuiy of officers in the (Juards. hut Captain M \HSIIM.I. his 
ci'llalxirateiir, may he credit,-,!, as a military nuin, with 
knowing'thing alx.ut the matter, and, unless expi-ns,-s 
haxe U-.-U cunsiilembly cut down. ar. ;</ hi pay, 

fc a Ueutenant in the (JuanU and his 'family would U-. 
a.* Mr. Tradill, : when running oxer liis exiH-ns,-s 

' rather a tight fit. " 

Tlie charm of the pi,,- -.after Mr. CVRII. MAI l*;'rt gran.l- 
fath.-r. is the imperwtnation of the little Ixiy .Wirfe;/. age<l 
four year*. |,x Mis- | IhwklNs. Am nig the I'rier l'<in 
children now on the stage, there is not one *> | erfectly 
naluml an in this infant /i'*riu. Hi, |K-rforinan<-e U-g 
psinlon. I mean her i^-rformance ia wi perfect that it is 
difficult to Ix-hexe the little |H-rs,,n is acting, that is 'merely 
purten . still more difficult is it to realise that, after 

all, she in only n-|-:iting in words and acti. n exactly what 
he has been taught. On the sterling result her'ntage- 
intruou.r. belt Mr CXIMI. Mm* or who ,t may. is t,, U- 
lieartily congratulated. Her artlem renderi'ng ,,f little 
j u to her "mere cliil : 
The part of the l-r .nnen-l, ; ,,1 honeat 

tinishixl acting "1 Mr Cxitn M M |.c fnun the rough piox in. ial 
slagini-^s of Mr. Viie- n,' I'rinnmlfg. 

iilxxli/'n >'.TI-,-( will he in exerylxHly's mouth, ami no 
one will keep it to himself, or herself, for tin- next six months. 

l-'.xerylx-lx is interest, -<| up tothexery last m nt. and : 

s.nd slirs till the curtain dex-ends on the final laMcaii i- 
si-nting the re-union of hearts and the cud of all difficulties. 


H ,lli in ' nii' 


l Mr .1 I 

'I'm: idols that I never loved for long 

lla\e d< ..... my cnilit in tin- world much utong; 

II.IM- advertised me a- a demagogue. 
\\ ith ever .some iic promise to the- tlin i 

Ind't d. indeed, all- It U-fore 

I swore, and partly meant it when I .- 

Hut then came Op|,rliimty. anil she 
My threadliare fealty to pi. 

Mv moving tinker write.-, and having writ 
\l-.-s on. nor \oiir entreaties nor your wit 

Shall lure me on to d > one thing it wrote. 
Nor can the wise lielieve one WOTQ of it. 

Hut though amhilion play the inlidrl 
And roh me of my roU- of honour well. 

Twice I have wnvkcd m\ party, and to n . 
Has come advani-ement. to my frien.l- a sell. 

o o 

I sent my son thnnigh Ainin it Hvuoi it'- d.. i . 
I hiil him haste, while in, to make his score. 

And I iy and hv my son returned to me 
And >aid. "I am the Tory Chancellor." 

His Hudget compiitations. so men s.i\, 

\\ill show a surplus. .Malice aii-uer-, 'Nay, 

It is but drawing on the future for 
To-morrow's incoi ; 


(>h. Aitnn n MM.HUH. weaving in \oiir glee 
A veil of words through which men may ml s,-c, 

Sum- little talk awhile of thee and me 
'I here was. hut soon no more hut me. in.-. Mi 

And then, when A-vi nil and when Sri M n: k. , p 
The halls where you have -tuck in mini so divp, 

Alone I 'II vanquixh them, and rise alone 
While you and they alike to darkness , n , ].. 

x this day's madm-ss did pr. i 
To morrow's silence, shuffling or despair ; 

Shrink, for you know not wh:it I do nor why. 
Shrink, for you know not when you go m r wi 

29, IDOii.] 


From parish politic- through ( !I.M>SIO\I.'S gate 
I rose, and on the throne of Empire sate, 

And many a knot unravelled by the way, 
Hut nut the muster knot of BAl.Font's fate. 

!'(,! I who did with pitfall and with gin 
lieset the road lie was to wander in, 

|)id never dream that he ruiild cling to place 
lleserted, though 1 knew him thick of skin. 

Alike to those who fur today prepare. 
And those who after some lo morrow stare, 

Aim 1 1 li from I (owning Street in triumph cries, 
" Your calculation 's ni'ither here nor there." 

:: o 

Into this agitation, whv not knowing 
Nor u hence, like water willy-nilly flowing, 
And out of it like wind across the waste 
I pass land whither?) willy-nilly going. 

All ! Vixri:, could yon and 1 with Kate conspire 
To grasp our Party in the House entire, 

Would we not shatter it to bits, and then 
Remould it nearer to the heart's desire! 

\Ve'd have no other than a moving row 
Of dummy-politicians come and go 

In due obedience to the order sent 
From Highbury by the master of the show. 


\i\i.t! was onr great and unrivalled Baritone in better 
voice than o;i Wednesday, March 2'2, when he sang at the 
Royal Amateur Orchestral Society, and gave us, in the first 
part, the delightfully and exquisitely tunefully dramatic 
"Ax/i jiiii iindrui," from MOZART'S immortal Nozze di Fii/aro. 
Everyone could perfectly imagine Nareiietto standing by 
and listening attentively to the inspiriting instructions. If 
'tis music and dramatic action you want ah ! where is 
one single song in a modern comic opera, or comedy opera, 
that can compare with this? and where is the singer who 
can give it as effectively as Count ('AKI.OS SANTI.EY? And his 
reception ! Why, at the height of his great popularity, 
when the praise of S \XTl.EY was the one musical theme, it 
couldn't have been more enthusiastically hearty. 

Miss EVANIIEI.INE FLORENCE was welcomed as the remplafattte 
of Miss I)VI.E, who, unfortunately, was unwell and unable to 
appear, and therefore she might have been apologised for by 
Mime. me to whom aspirates are no /(object, as not DALE 
because //ill. 

Miss KI.OIIKMM: sang delightfully the quaint songs, " If 1 
Itinl a iJulli/" (l/ini!), and " Inritation to Arise" (GRAHAM i 
PERI,), as also BISHOP'S ever-welcome " Lo, Hear the Gentle 
L'n-1;" with flute obbligato by Mr. EM HUDSON. Excellent ! 

Mr. PERCY (THAINCER was deservedly the recipient of long 
and loud encores for his forcible and sympathetic rendering 
of GRIEG'S pianoforte concerto. 

SANII i:v sang in the second part PAER'S " Ayitato da Smania 
l''iuifsta" (I Fuoruseiti), and of course it was as perfect as 
you could wish from a wild singer who declares that 

" O'erWTOTghl with fatal madness 
My heart with fear now thrills," 

and so forth. But we should have been more than content 
had our S \STI.EY given us only his " t'lierubino! alia rittorin!" 
(in the Queen's Hall) " Mlu i/lri<i ntilitur!" And with this 
Mo/. \itr-cuni-SAXii.EY still singing in our ears we may rest in 
peace till he again delights us with this comedy of music. 






[This curious production was found under a bench on the Government ut the House of Commons. The verses would appear to be sus- 
ceptible of two interpretations, as will be seen if they are read first, 
down each column and then across. We have no doubt that they 
represent the views of many Conservative Members.] 

I HOLD as faith What CECIL doth avow 

All JOSEPH saith, My conscience can't allow, 

That Voter is misled Who holdeth JOE supreme 

Who holdeth him in dread Quite merits my esteem. 

When Free Trade stands The moon shall turn to cheese 


This nation shall be blessed. When JOE'S brought to his knees. 

And he is but an oaf Who doth Protection pri/e 

Who shuns the Little Loaf Is staunch, true-blue and wise. 

A DUCAL DIFFICULTY. The Duke of FIFE (as it was repre- 
sented by the Westminster Gazette in an interesting anecdote 
concerning the peerage the other day) " being a Duke of the 
United Kingdom, walks after Dukes of England and 
Scotland." If some of the English and Scotch Dukes go 
a trifle fast- and we have had such instances the Duke of 
FIFE'S position will be somewhat embarrassing. What steps 
will he be bound to take ? 

,, | 



Mu:. H 



BiwiMai | w.i- In-Ill 

Mr. .Ions I 




-i - 

ft Allowed, 

stated that in I in-..- 

was too parochial 
lenrn In think imd singer- 
ini|NTially. Sir F.I.V 
tlinl F.nglixh mn-ic was white It ought 

I Mm', if it x> 

an\ xv ! tin- Inn- spirit of 

lh" Kni|.ir,-. Sir (in m I con- 

cluded 11 -piriled sjieecli by singing a 
< ':ill.ii|i:in lil -lefully arc. .111 

panicd by Sir < >l IVKK l/>l:i: <i:i a win-le-- 
grand pianoforte. 

^Ir. LKK mill that In- thought 
it w.i- hii;li linn- in tin- interests of 
Hhohnhipud n-seitrcli to protest against 
tin- inordinate amount of time and ait.-n 
.leviiled in tin- Cinderella of the 
art*. !! had it on tin- authority of 
Sir Ki'W\i:i> Kinui that Itritish music 
only IN-KIIII In lie worthy of consideration 
alxmt the year 1HHO. and was still tainted 

with a low lv|H- i .f coniii pin. 

which ii" amount of I'niversity education 
would eradicate. If that was so. why 
labour furtluT in a fruitless lii-Kl '! What 
waft the uiatt.-r with tin- tongs and 

Mr. <;u>iii.K Itnittt rose to protest 
against this misreading of Sir KI>WAJU> 
KuiAu's meaning. The music of the 
music-balls, as be (Mr. RUBET) had con- 
clucivt'ly proved in his article in the 
current number of lilrat. wax invariably 
refined and artistic. It WUM only !..-:, 
composed l>y I'niM-r-itv men that it 
became dull and vulgar. Take " Ittur 
II -II," for exaiupli-. Mr. l!oii:\ 

it dou. lifter inviting the Meeting 
. vrly t., dias,- him. 

Mr. FIVI K. the director of 

the I'. I that 

since tin- stringed instrument- in t!...- 
theiitre had IM-CII fitted with tl. 
lailpiivr. tlir Utility ' 

! be-oinc .ilni..-t in.-ulT 
It wan a liU-1 on t 

iliem a- all iinmu-ical nation 

-,\ of the fad that the burglars 

who into tin- Krixt-.n Theatn- on 

Sund.u w.-.-k had includi-d the big drum 

in- orchestra in their I- 

Wain: g- hi- 

:i thai purity of 

glish hii'i -l.v 

. the influx of i-.ui; 
1 immigrant-, n>o-t of whom plaved no 

;t than the .lew'- harp 
The Ciiio liviuii mtcr|".-cl 1. 1 explain 
that the innuendo vva- ha-ed 0:1 a fall. icy 

of ncnclatiii i uiiient in 

'question was not the - .t the 

.law's harp, in proof of which derivation 
Mr. Wmn: to the new 
.1 Iiictioiiary. 

l>r Ft IIMV v: i said t!. f his 

being taken to 

hear a performer who played tune. b\ 
rapping with ! his jaw He 

( agreed with Mr. >n^. \ l.i.i. that the 
[excessive elaliratene-- of moilern music 
was a sign of and deteriora- 

tion. Fven our popular tune- were 
ab-urdly complex, and he found il 
impossible to whistle " Hiiiinilhn " with 
any approximation to accuracy. With 
tin- |M-rmi-s!on of the Meeting he would 
illustrate his difficulty. tl'ii-n 

The Chairman dcpni-ated lln- ..h 
-ciir.inti-l tone of the previous s|n-.ikers. 
Mu-ic was an indispensable instrument 
of culture and civilisation. It wa- the 
I most transcendental of the art- I. : 
himself he did his highest thinking to 
slow music, and had decided to employ 
the method of cantillating or intoning 
to the psaltery when delivering his' 
lectures at Birmingham and elsewhere. 
For further detail- he- referred his 
his forthcoming article in 

The lion. CH\I:U- PVI.--ON- remarked 
that the ln-st way to promote Hritish 
music was to secure for it the widest 
h-aring. He had recently patented an 
improved gramophone which, on a iidm. 
windless day, could be distinctly heard 
at a distance of three miles. (< 'lifer*.) 
Hut the instrument was only in its 
infancy, and he was not without hopes' 
that in a short time he would be able to 
make it heard across the Channel, an.) 
perhaps even in Ix-ipsic. Munich, Hcrlin 
and liiyreuth. When that hour arrived 
it would U- ini]Mkssible for (icrmany- to 
neglect or despise Knglish music any 
longer. Music, like journalism, was 
simply a question of trnns|>ort. and the 
country with the most powerful gramo- 
phone was Ixtund to have the larg.-st 
audience, and fall into the mint hy-teri 
cal trans|Kirls. 

i/i l VON |; u u.iidi ente.l strongly 
he la-t s|-aker. Music K,M the 
: the arts, and therefore it w.i- 
onl\ tilting that its greatest cx.vutants 

-houl.l U- of tender ag.-. You i . .iild not 

ip a gramophone in a \i K. 
with a In-Kid turn-down collar, nor had 
r ln-.ird of -111 I ladu-s storming a 
platform and kissing a gramoph' 

Mr. .Ions Hi i;\- laid stress on the 
educative inllu. -n^-t uon 

lure. There v. idella Itocid jt 

Ilerne Hill, and a Parsifal Koad at 

Kinchley. He appealed to Mr. SniNKi I.M 

I.- rename the High Stn-,-1 at Stralford- 
..n Avon Cm-el li Ru 

The Chairman said that for his part 

he found much pl.-.i-m,- m the llulc of 

Pan. or Pan pi( K --. Since he had adopted 

-tiling in-triiment he had changed 

his name to .Ions ( l| IXKII I>'i- 

Mr. WM.I.IVM AiiriiKH aski-l what colour 
Si-oti h mu-ie would IM- called by 
MMi I'.li.Ml. His own predili-c- 
la> ill the il 

pipe-. It n.> oin- pre-4-nt had any 
<ibjii-tion In- would hke to skirl a little 
now. Vi. ' ' V.-ry well. 

The M.-i-ting then broke up with 
cxpii gil-will to everyone 

except the . ,f - /!/, 

THK WiillHl.Kl:. 
["The Int. I: .ntv MAWKEI of 

M..I-UI-II-I< H.I- ..f ..].ini..ii lluil il 

nunble 1.1 In. 1 1 ILL. us 

11 tin- -.11111' -lllijrel. \ il |,-t livi' 

i.|i tin- ..n,. anil llii-i.tluT." 

narrow folk there are who lack 

Imagination quite ; 
They swear that black i- always black - 

And never can lie white. 
l-'ar otherwise il is with me ; 

Indeed. I darkly wonder whether 
Ilie self-s;inie colour may not be 

Hot 1 1 lilack and white and grey together. 

1 hear Sir < Ir.icle of Hrum. 

And all my doubts are laid ; 
Intent and eager I Ixvome 

To champion Free Tnule. 
Five minutes pass enough to give 

My views the opposite din-clion : 
I ve heard C.-H.. and now I live 

For one great cause alone I'roti-ction. 

While thus I xeer 'tvvixt "COBS" and 

C. .nllicting passions rise; 
AH idiot.- I know the " Noes," 

As fools 1 eye the "Ayes;" 
And when division bell.- remind 

That now my \,.te must be decided, 
1 very generally II nd 

That, like the House, I am divided. 

I seek the lobby on the i 

Hut ere I cro the 11.. 
Five fatal minutes wing their flight ; 

I pans.- In-side the door I 
Fre-h a-|i-t.- I licgin to see, 

The new convict ion still gn.vv- -I longer; 
Allot!.- ;i-r- me ; 

I change, and 1 am " ave" no 1. : 

MM.. -ii 1".), 1!IO;V| 





GKNKKA.I. Ki'i!<ii'.u'M\ lias been suc- 
ceeded by General LINIKVICH. As an 
Anglo-German gentleman told us the 
other day, "Only a vich or a vi/ard can 
save the liussians." 

By-the-by, there is nothing inherently 
improbable in the report that General 
Ki noi'ATKiM has accepted a smaller 
command than he had before. It will 
lie remembered that at first AI.EXEIKFF 
was a full Admiral, but subsequently 
became a rear Admiral. 

The Russian Finance Minister lias 
written to the Times to say that, in spite 
of statements to the contrary, the huge 
gold reserve at St. Petersburg still exists. 
Tliis is good news for the Japanese, 
who were getting nervous about their 

The Novoe Vivmi/a publishes details 
of a great commissariat scandal. Thank 
Heaven, such things cannot happen in 
the British Army ! We mean, of course, 
that the details cannot be published. 

The Australians' reply to the charge 

of shortage in their consignments of jam 
to South Africa Jam satin. 

France is feeling quite embarrassed 
at the amount of attention she is receiv- 
ing from the KAISER. Xot content with 
dining the other clay at her Embassy 
in Berlin, he is now showing an active 
interest in her policy in Morocco. 

" MULLAH submits," announced our 
newspaper placards last week. " LANS- 
DOWNE submits," announced the placards 
of the Somaliland newspapers, which, 
of course, are not so well-informed. 

The Anny Council, it is announced, 
is to have a flag, consisting of a Union 
Jack bearing a shield with three cannon 
and a cannon ball. We fear, however, 
that this attempted bluff as to having 
the guns will deceive nobody. 

" Fashion gets more exacting every 
year," complained a lady the other 
day after a visit to the Whistler Exhi- 

According to Nature the total eclipse 
of the sun on August 30 next will take 
place at a time when the number of 

spots on its face is about the maximum. 
It is only human that in such circum- 
stances tlie sun should wear a veil. 

The new Tower Bridge Police Court, 
which is to displace the old building 
at South wark, is described as palatial. 
This handsome edifice became necessary, 
we understand, as the class of prisoner 
is steadily improving. The accom- 
modation for solicitors is said to be 

The article in the current number of 
the usually carefully edited Pall Mall 
Magazine on "The Liberal Leaders" has 
given some offence to those concerned, 
owing to the fact that an advertisement 
headed " Anaemia : its cause and 
cure," is inserted in the middle of the 

Now that Mr. MAKCOM is married, 
ladies are asking how long will they 
have to wait for what they have l>een 
hankering after for some time past, 
namely, a wireless crinoline. 

TJie Cimjalee is proving the kind of 
play that lawyers like a piece with 
plenty of action in it. 

I'l N< II MI: niK LONDON ' H\IM\ MM. 

[M.UKII : 

If ill each sti'iic portentous fact 
A littlf sermon, ambushed, lurk 

Thou IIKI art frauglit with sil.-nt spevh, 
Ami mutely eloquent thy fai 

TllilH' too, Co|lMllllptl\C iloucr. tO teach 

A striking Uonl lesson 


; ; '(!/< 

tn< triji of tin 1 ' 
11 .i- run i. ii thf I 
' ui-.'k. tliim nmrkiiiK tl 

' . . : ;. I. 

The lu'iuaiiiK of the Steam <l 


y.irmfr* Wifi (<d,o ku toU Uu Htv lad from Unda* to colUtt rggt). " WELL, JACK, HAVE 
-T Hurt?" 

Jaek (irAo ha* muled a tilting Ai-nX "RtiTUti! Ot OLD ' NIB'S BIN AD LATED 
TBirrus, utn I DON'T HUSK MIK'S HM-IIF.I> v 

LP A I'ltlMKnSK. 

I anco the primrrMe, apt to ntir 

Hmotion in the minor poet, 
What time hi* IM-HMVO footsteps err 

Through woods and places where 
they grow it. 

Oh in home dim. sequestered nook, 
\\ hirh very few \\u\t- t~\*i thcirovi'on, 

It glows with yeUowixh tint, though not 
no yellow the dandelion 

k')' 1 

i v.Tinil j;r.u-. 
u.i Ik to t-liver, 
ce mv eye- \u>!.- 

I note thee with a kind of awe ; 

A solemn joy my spirit fills ; 
I feel like WORDSWORTH, when he saw 

The sheep--or w,-r.' they daffodils? 

|.riinrose, that forsaken dies, 
(iioti-a phraao intad from MiLTOK) 
Tliy brief effulgence typifies 

\\ lint wind our highest hopes are 
built on. 

The proini--' ,.f (|,y nascent bloom. 
That u<i>iiie<l of springtime to assure un, 

U t.iken by untiiiiely doom, 
Blasted by A.juilo and Kurus. 

If brook-, with hidden truth )* 
1 e-lify. liki- pi-inif.! worka ; 

of the Underground) 

Kntered into I 
on .lanuary I" 1 - 


lii'>-i-i\iMl it~ iK-ath-blow by Klei-tn- 
In the l-^irlv Morning Hours 
of Hard) iM. I '.MI;, 

The Signal w.i- j,'i\en to I ' the Lino 
l-'-r tin' Ni'\v Motor I >ri\ en Train. 

It Started 

It- Siibterranein ( 'ans-r 
Amid. -i ( 'horn- of Mid Virtorian Knlogies 
ii Kighth Wonder of the World. 


Passing through 
a Hieketly and PrecarioUfl Infaney. 

Kollowi-d by 

A Siil]>hiirons and Sity Ad. 
and a Life of ( irime. 

Ii >4'itliMl down 
Into I'ingy and S'liile Ut-ay, 

Hastened on 

By Clironii- Attai-ks of Asphyxia, 
A (irowth of 'I'ulw mil 

Congestion of the Circulatory Sy.-.t.'in. 

It v. 
Alxmt as Third-class as they Make. 

It served Its ion According to 

It- Lights 

i Which, by the way. were None T.I 

It certainly did not go the I 

::; No LI: in the Infernal I legions. 

Ii i> now Finally Shunted I pwarda 

r\nw:ni-;nKi> by All, 

.ting a Transformation 

i llabbit-llutc' 

i >r, very [xwsibly, 
The Ingredients of a Ronfil 

A yll.siioN fur the next examination 
of biiiMing olh'c-ers : "Which i> tlie 
heavier, a pound of feathers or a pound 
<,f jam?" 

MARCH i':i. 1 !')<>:>.] 

PUNCH, <>i; TIIK LONDON < n.\i:i\ \ i;i. 



! STBA< i MI KliuM IIIK DIARY "I- T,n:i, M.I'. 


Chomi< of J'fixnir,' ]>ffi>tri-*. "SOFT! ! THEY WOULD ENT-R-RAP us, LURE r>s TO DEST-n-RrcTios ! 
(Mr. B-lf-r, Mr. L-tt-lt-n, Mr. A-st-n Ch-mb-rl-n, and Mr. Br-dr-ck.) 


House, of Commons, Monday, Murcli 20. 

How long is it since DON JOSK canic 
I. ark from South Africa bringing his 
sheaves with him in the form of under- 
taking on behalf of the mine owners 
to guarantee a contribution of thirty 
millions to the expenses of the War 
in South Africa? A first instalment 
of ten millions fell due last year ; but 
where is the hard cash? Oil sont les 
in iiji'K il'mitan ? They are as substantial 
as this promise has proved. 

British credit earlier pledged to the 
tune of 100,000,000 for the benefit of 
Irish landlords and tenants was pawned 
to extent of 35,000,000 for the Trans- 
vaal. That 's all right ; irrevocably 
done. In men- matter of interest pay- 
a U, annually it saves Transvaal 350,000 
a year. Hut in polite society we don't 
mention the Transvaal's promised con- 
tribution to the costs of a war swelled 
Ity purchase of horses no one could 
remount, rounds of ammunition no one 
(oulil lire, tins of jam conveying to the 
c;.r promise of Hi o/s. to the pound, 

breaking TOMMY ATKINS' heart with 
discovery that they contained only 12. 

DON JOSE not here to-night to state 
his views on realised facts. In his place 
his successor at Colonial Office left to 
make beet of hapless business. Experi- 
ence following on other of similar 
character beginning to tell on ALFRED 
LYTTKI.TON. His shoulders bending 
under the burden ; his laugh less 
spacious in its illuminating power, a 
circumstance not compensated for by 
increased space in the parting of his 
hair as it shades the crown of a noble 

All very well to be at Colonial Office 
while khaki fever raged, and every vote 
given to Liberal candidates at the poll 
was a vote gi ven to t he Boers. LYTTEI .ix IN 's 
lot is different. He comes in when the 
drums have ceased to beat, the trumpets 
to blare, and when the Auditor-General's 
report of fantastic War Office extrava- 
gance has begun to circulate. Gallantly 
tries to make the best of a bad wicket. 
Admits there is no chance of enforcing 

redemption of the pledge about the ten 
millions. But we must hope on. Curious 
how in depression of moment Colonial 
Secretary, avoiding the familiar cricket- 
field, goes to the stables for similes. 

" Don't," he said to McCRAE, not osten- 
tatiously a horsey man, "hurry your 
horse over bad ground ; wait till he gets 
on the grass ; then he '11 gallop." 

So pleased with this way of putting 
it he lingered over the illustration. 
What was meant, he explained, was that 
next year the Premier mine would con- 
tribute at the rate of 400,000 per 
annum to Transvaal revenue. He could 
not believe, he said, a tear trickling 
down his manly cluck, that, thus placed 
in funds, the Transvaal would be so 
unmindful of the sacrifices made on her 
account by the Mother Country as to 
repudiate her undertakings. 

What was made clear through long 
speech is that if Transvaal felt disposed 
towards repudiation there is nothing in 
the world to prevent her indulging in 
luxury. House realised amid consterna- 

CHAI;I\ \i:i. 

MUCH 29 

' % 

, ......, v 

Mr Ii JUfcolm congrrtnUu. Mr Will <Yook.->k occnjxuit of the Treasury It. i..-l, 

during Fucml Debate. 

,,.u that there is not in . a As aftern...n sitting' i- su-.pcnd.-d at 

loc.mient not even a half sh.-et of not,- seven-thirty, and questions do not close 
paper that would serve to enforce the till three, here wU nearly half of the 
linn \sthe exSv.iK.oK ym:x ASSI- sitting appropriated Ly two Members. 
MOW -i Florentine NoLle. remarked. The honour of Islington demanded tliat 
the Houae of Commons had, under false Ireland should not thus triumph 
pretences. been induwd to guaranty- a I>.i..n's blood up and be might beeaWj 
X),000. That was not l.ack.-<j to U-at in length of spe,vh any 
exactly how ALFREI- l/mnp'\ put it. two Irish Meml - 

Hut .tcome* to the <une thillR in tile Now was his time; here 1,1s oppor- 

t . 11() tiinity. Hut, loyalty tothe Party, fidelity 

liuMiHtu ilonr. l>.--lo,uremadethat. to Country siime thin*.. I'oinl.-d to 
,f ,|,, ,,1 |,| ( '.IM-S. she .-an snap another pathway. Ministerialists, worn 

her tinker at British tax,iyer in r,-spect out with inc.-ssj.nt watchfulness, still 
of rontrilmlion to war nwtH .-xacted Ly tarri.-d on the way to Westminster. 

That U .Id Lu.van.t-r ill. K-- division were taken forthwith, (.ovcrn- 
_1OB proposes we shall noLLIe mine m.-Mt would IK- put in a minority. 

* and l-ay ours.-l\.-s. This. 
coiuinK from a mildly spoken gentleman 
uiid.-r-u.l to lill the ofli.e of church- 
warden in his country home, regarded 
an going a little far 

Tuetday. There was performed this 
afternoon One of thiwe little acts of -.-If 
worifice which find no remrd in print 
nor m-knowl.-d^ment from the puLlic. 
,,f Supply on Vote for 
cost* of criminal pneecotion Ii .ill 
moved an amendment r.-.ln. in^' it Ly 
200. Action taken Ly way of ,1 n-urinn 
AlTOaXKT-QcXEIUI. for his action rather 
n in matter of \\innvKKii 
ii. SuLjo-t inviu-.!, almost com- 
pelled, speech of at least an hour's 

Mr. I/.L.II temptation seemed 
irresistible. A nice quii-t afternoon; 
(lll |y thr.-.- o'clock; Committee at his 

Yesterday BUIKJ 

instances tulkexl for an hour, with to follow for fort> five 

With l lam-y to toUo 

I/.I..H. riMiiK t" hciKht "I 
,1, l.Timn.-'l ! mt nil. .- ! 
.,11 ai>|K-araiic<- it u.i- 
\\ilh, .lit a ripple "f ,-moti.,ii. II. i 

. h.lin.-nt ami -at .lown. Hut who 
hall -.i\ whar nt '.' 

t.. kn<>\\ that an hour later 
In- fouiul tin- reuanl thai 

. t.. the.lesi-rvinj;. Win. 

i .if. the Hi.. K CaM i-ame 
on. ami Mr !> ..11 plum;inx in u 

off a apeach of produnoua length. H.-r.- 

an.l there it wa* a little mixe.l. Wini- 
IVKIU WIM..IH'- hea.l |N.p|-<l in where 
Hi.k'- l....l\ st.l. Hut on the whole. 
SITIII^ tin- . ir.-iim>lani >-. it a- a 
I,, nr Happily he u 

l.y tli. -'.me that in eith. 

n Wmn \KI :t WHI..MI. or r.- Hi. K. the 

< ii M 1:11 li.i'l to U- lianpil. 
hi-mal part of ~\>>v\ i- that the 
^.i.-rilice wa> \\.i~t. <!. ACLAXD-HOOD I<K. 
..I.I a liir.l to In- nelte.l in this fashion. 
If I/M .ill would nt make a >-p.-.vli. tlms 
opportunity for liinisterialiati 
to muster, he knew a man that \\oiiM. 
It was HvMHIM. H who the 
e.lke. As S...I. II Xll iloWll lie 

:lli casual air, ami approach. -<l 
\Vnm\Mii WiM.iiii in a four- j 
wheeler, as it were, .eii^a^e.l at hour 

( ip| . einjj their plans foil.-.!, j with ra.-. H\MII n\. with pretty I 
afTeclalioii of not hearing any remarks, 
articulate or otlieru ..-.1 alon K '. 

Interrupt.'.! with en<|iiiry as to where he 

t\i^. he didn't seem quite cl. 
p. .int. " Hanhury t'nws," someone -11^- 
-,-ted. Hut that is not within the four- 
mile radius, and no cal.l.y would accept 
a job at half-a-cro\vn an hour A- di~ 
:i of matter served his 

just as well as if he cmiti I his 

he sat down whilst <'||MIIM\>; 
and HKMIY Kowi.KK talke.1 it over. 

i I! played up to his hand with 
aimi-y denunciation of what he d.>.-. I 
as tin- most jjross Lit <( .-Lstniction 
within his e\peri.-ncc. If <'.-!!. would 
o:dv keep Lan^iiiK away for a few more 
minutes. Minist. -rials dropping in Ly 
threat would av.-rt <h- 

To make quite sure Ho\l> was next put 
up. amid renewed howls from gentlemen 
opposite. Mr. HM> star.-.l into 
with air . : nKstraction. 1 -.. -iv 

lliillilte's howling was Worth at least two 
In intervals of the storm Mr. 
lloMi said a Word or two m..iv "i less 
reiuotel\ connected with Al: 
til. MUM'S conduct of the WllllUKKIt- 
WiiKiliT iiise, and at a i;..d from the 

I'lSK 'I's resumed llis seat. 

The men had arrived : no further risk 
in a division ; taken, it showed Minis- 
terial niajoi it\ of lil 

" Not the lirst lime the Capit..! has 
~.i\ed L\ ca. klint 1 ," ol,.,-rveil the 

Mviini L".t, I !(()'>. I 




> l- 



at z 




at w..rk Mcmlior- walked 
ind the 1 -e.| ,:11 .npple 

/>;.- tu.dly. 

WALTOI !<* at the Irish 

the Al who th. 

yean past ! ud burden of t!,.- day 

1 by lUird of Agriculture, t 
i health .md strength 

! I olle.i^ne. W Itii -kill of 

pirvliiiM-nt hue. 1 , k liich, wh, 

f clin>in> i'\ hi- side 

Pit i f llii- Pharaohs, the 

Ion, handed 

round with the Denial remark. 1 drink. 

lax AI|"|:NM 
II- lie- plan 1 , driv, - ral of 

. . . . \ ,tur.dly a liirhl irted 

man u sense of humour k of i -hoi, 

r ten years' lianl labour at the Irish Ofli, . 
into thi- grt'y shadow of a man. hollow-eyed. 
leaden-hearte< i -! in weight that the 

whom is allotte< I ih,- ta-k ..f carrying him round at V: 
banquet* ill Ihiblin C.i-tle make lijii of the bunlen. 

lie. kinder to the new ClllKF SECRETARY than she has 
hown herw-lf to his pn-.l!i-.->- back as the time of 

FoBsTKH. has iillottiil him only a brief (i|> of time in tin- 
phweof tribuLition. Hi- will U> a fniMiian U-fore the inni 
iu time to enter <hi-p into his soul. Meanwhile, a- h< 
next to his learned colleague. bn>athless after having nvh-d 
>ff nineteen answers t,. questions, he illustrates a situation 
nterenting for some pn-destined gentleman on the Fmnt 
Bench i,p|~ite 

Hurinrn* ./..-. The "gagged" Irish MemlH-rs have 
another sitting all t t hemnelves. 



it would U> alxnit as much as Aunt SKIIN\~- 
place is worth to ttpeuk severely to, and. to do her 

C-he is far too well-bred a woman to make any visitor 
uncomfortable by nigging her in his presence. 
Still, .my. .ne e.mld have Heen she was annoyed ; and. while 
the cream wa* iioing npooned out of her lap into a slo|>-lu>in. 
(he made remarks mi the- inixmvenienees Of allowing inonki-ys 
lo be about at afterno n te-a whieli I. for on-, c .nsiden 
beastly often* r 

And even hnu.i- iiuilil tiiu I mi l>etter excuse for me than 
vas pn.Kalily half starved, and the sight of cnenmlx-r 
xandwichit* had jipivcd loo much for my manner-. Which 
WU ta) sirkeniliK considering my sole olij,,'t had been to 
nip in altead of Mosrv in handing the to her ! And yet 
le talk rot alxmt " feniiniiir insight ! " 
t I kept my teni|K-r. I merely let them sec that I was 
hurt by UirniiiK my tail on them all. and stalking off to a 
corner not. 1 flatter myself, without a certain dignity. I had nothing sine.- l.reakfa-1 1 fancy I men 

lon.-d In-fore, a bit of bisi-uit and a rotten banana but. after 
ny Aunt had called me "a Kn' little ,,i K ." I x orned to 
touch a morael. Not to iiM-ntion that my din-tor h;. 
told me never on any acctmnt to f.,n./, cm-iimb>r. 

Prwently I had what I thought and still think) a Hash of 
val inspiration. If I oooldn't mdlc, by Jore ! I c. mid ///.' 
father n -kdy. p-rh:.; t it wan my sp<-lling that rriilli/ 

pun me in man than -dl, quite well 

to make myself undert.-d by the meanest intellip i: 

All I actually required was some sort of AlphaU-t. With 

. ..nld li.x up a few simple ,nd lay them at 

I'iniH When she read, for instance, -omethin^ like 

S.rry. .tfi/ mi-lake. Only I'olil,- |>i s 

but thorough QeoUeman. I'l.-.i-e l.-i me ^-o ,,,, 

-he W.PII! : !i!-hed but e\ en Illor.' toiichiil 

my ap|-al. 'I'he prolileln wa-. ho\\ to k -e| hold . 


though few |Hi.ple xi\e me credit for it. I Inn;- brains 
when I to exert them and it didn't take me 1. 
come acniss the identical thing for my purj 

For. lyiiiK on a chair in the n.riier. I found a lx.k in a 
thick leather binding I ima^ineil ^1 inii-t l.-ll \.miny 
Aunt rather fain ie- her-elf a- a ' '"ini<.i.v. nr, and 

ii in with all manner of worthless old rubbish >. 
Hut what fetched in.- was the iiit'nlr of the l.,,k. On i.. 
.MTV | at;.' (here was a bi^; . apital letter. >ji|deil .mil 
painted in a nilhi-r ^ainly .-tyli-. much after that of the 
I M-i-d to illuminate when I was a K'""d lillle lioy in a hollaiid 
blouse If I '.I -care 1 1 cd for a n.onth I couldn't have yoi hold 
of anything more rippn 

N. I went lo work, and s<.in fern-led out an S. and an < ), 
and then an Iv but I couldn't discover another I>. and the 
-illy old .lohnny who had paint. -d the bally U.,k didn't 

hrnril of a V! However. Sl)|(| xv 
enoui;h for a monkey, and I tore t ; 
n.-atly on the whole, for the j.aper devilish toii^h 
then M'hx-ted other- I wa- likely to want, keeping H .|iiie| 
88 possible, SO as to siirpri.-c 1'llM u- all the more later on. 

Hut that interfering idiot of a M..\i\ 
was half ready ' 

"Mischievous little | 1( . remarked, 

" always up to -omethiu' or other ! " 

" >'IMC monkeys may !." slid 1'inuis; " not mine. It 
wasn't mischief just now only hunger, poor darlin 

"Well, but I fi;i." persisted Mo\n. "he'- bu-y teariu' 
up some paper now. with ].ictnres in it. 

'oh. I expect it'- only l',ni.-li." said I'MMI.I-, without 
loolang roono. " It doesn t matter, h that 

at least we'\e I.K.ked al the picture-, yon know." 

MONIV >.iid he never s;nv I'mirli himself it didn't amuse 
him, somehow still, he might be mistaken, but he'd R 
of ide-.i that it hadn't oiie in yet for ^'ivii 
lions. That fetched them all up to see what I w 
and then my Aunt gave a kind of scream 
PHYLLIS!" she cried, "the miserable little wretch ha 
hold of that Ixiok of our-," ,.,r -h.- may have siid "11, 

/ don't know) "which Prof,- kindlv lent 

me to look at. And he's tearing it all to |. . 

All I'lnills s:iid t,, me was. " Oh. .Monk- 
Hut even as I still frantically tried to deal her 'out an > 
an < > and an I\. this gentle repniof cut me to the quick. 

"What Khnll I say to the |x>or dear EVa&MOr?" wail.-d my 
Aunt. "A valuable MS. like that! And when h. 
hoping the Hrilish Mu-euni mihl buy it. t.i! " 

"Afraid they won't give him much for it mm-." ^\<\ M..N n . 
inspecting the fragments through his glass. "Moid, 
taken a lot off the value already ! " 

.Mums, iliirlimj!" put in I'iniiis. "It was only hi- /'!'/' 
And really, it was a gi.xl deal ;/<,, fault, you know' V.'.n 
shouldn't h-ave Mich things alxiut ! ! ..... nkey 

couldn't pos.-ibly know what he was doing! " 

liijs'h time h<- was taught," said my Aunt grimly. 
On which MOM y volunt.-en-d the opinion that "a ,...! licking 
would l- a I. --son to me." 

"I won't I,.,,-,- him whipjH'd!" declared 1' ||,. 
knows already tliat he's done wrong. Onlv /<./; at him!" 
I datv-.iy I ,/,',/ l, K ,k pn-tty al.j,-.-t for I n-allv wa- rather 
nnoysd with myself.] "And / 'II pay for it,' out 
allowance ' ' 

"As 1 U-lieve the Professor gave some hundreds ,,f pounds 

MAIMI L".l. 1905.] 


fur it lit Sotheby's.," retorted Aunt SIXIM, "it may 
he some little time before you ;uv aide to nuke up the 
alii' 'imt." 

Of course I shouldn't allow her to do anything of the sort , 
,uld take the entire responsibility on myself! After all, 

uhat uouid a feu huiiiln-ds matter to me, US SOOD a-- I L" 't 

that engagement at the I'alae the I li pp. H Irome ''. 

Fact of the matter is. .Miss . \M.A\K." said dear .MoNlV, 

you'll never feel safe with a little beasl like that about. I 
should advise you to get rid of it. If you're really /.vcn on 
having a monkey, 1 can get you one with no nonsense about 
it as quiet and well-behaved as au\ poodle. Only got to 
sav the word, don't voii know." 

monkey innililn'l lie. I'd like to know, after being scrubbed 
with such an infernal hard hru-h as 1 had been ' 

Still. 1 was determined to keep myself under control to 
meet this terrible charge with the calm consciousness of 


A hero in a melodrama, when accused by the villain ol 
something he hasn't done, only has to stand in the limelight, 
with his right hand raised to ihe ceiling, and shout : " I call 
upon the Klernal Justice to decide betueen that Man and 
.Me ! i or some such remark). And that brings the curtain 

Hut I had no speech and no limelight. There wasn't even 
a curtain that would come down. I can assure you that just 

1 thought I told you before," saiil 1' looking all then 1 jolly well wished there li'id been one. if il would only 

have put an end to my trying 
situation. I''. A. 

the jollier in a bait. " that the 
word is ' No,' Mr. HI.I MIKLI.. 
l>o \oii i/niti' understaml ? No 

no mi'. And if you persist 
in pressing any more monkeys 
on me which I don't want, I 
shall be really \e\ed ! " 

But old MOM v wouldn't 
take a hint , he seemed bent 
oil crabbing my chances if he 
could and ue'd always been 
such pals, too ! 

" What I mean to say is," 
be \.ent on, " if you nninl keep 
a monkey, why not a In'alllii/ 
one? I don't set up for a 
judge of 'em myself, but even 
/ can see the little beggar is 
about as rickettv as he can 

" lie isn't ! " said PHYLLIS, 
indignantly. "And if he is, 
he can be cured. And he 
slin/l, too ! " 

"I should have said he was 
too far gone myself," said 
MONTY. " Besides, I fancy 
he s got something in< the 
matter, if you ask uir." 

"I don'l ask you," said 
I'm 1.1. is. "\\'lnil else do you 
think he 's got ? " 

" ( Mi, I may be u rung," said 
MONTY. " I lope so. I 'in sure. 
But those pink patches under 
the skin, eh ''. l^xik to me like 

well like the beginning 
of er- - nuniijc, don't you 

" ( Mi, Mr. Bi.t NDF.IJ. ! Not really .' " cried PHYLLIS. 

But I could see that her ideal of me had received its first 
serious shock. 

" I could have told you better if he'd been a fox-terrier," 
said MOXTV. " Still, if I were you, I 'd have in a vet. Nasty 
thing, mange ! " 

"Horrible!" said PHYLLIS, with a shudder. " But no. I 
won't believe it 's anything so unpleasant !" 

"I always abstain, on principle, my dear, as yon 
know," observed my Aunt, "from saying anything so 
Ixniitl as ' I told you so.' Otherwise I should be tempted 
to ask what else you could possibly ej-pect from a piano- 
organ ! " 

The suddenness of the accusation had completely floored 
me. It was so beastly unjust, too! What on earth did an 
unmitigated aaa like MONTY know about mange? I admit 
that I may have been a trifle flushed in places. What 



Lorti Li/ltuii. 

I>KAU Mr. I.OM;, when hydro- 

Was in this land endemic, 
Keeping all modes of treat- 
ment (jiiite at bay, 
lioth surgical and chemic, 
Yon came, and with \oiir 

l>id solve the dreadful 


If, of the rallies Hibernian 
You prove yourself the 

q ueller, 
Your health, in bumpers of 

Drawn from the inmost 


With customary song, 
We '11 drink, dear Mr. 1 1 i\< ; . 

JUST as he who drives fat 
oxen must himself be fat, so 
must he who writes for Irish- 
men be Irish too. The Daily 
Mail wrote on March 20: 

" Irishmen from every quarter of 
London marched westwards yi'sli-r- 
iluy in units or battalions to attend 
the first great Gaelic service held 
in the \\estminster Cathedral to 
celebrate the feast of St. Patrick." 

But are there no Irishmen in 
London west of the Cathedral, or north of it, or south of it? 

"Daily Mail" Arithmetic. 


Tin: New York Nation this week, discussing the Anglo- 
Russian Arbitration, remarks that war has been thus averted, 
and a solution reached " without a single woman being made 
a widow." But can u single woman be made a widow? 

TIIK Scarborough Punt says that "the villages of Bainton 
and Middleton, in East Yorkshire, have ladies' cricket clubs. 
The last-named organisation has just held a ball." This is 
a good beginning. Thejfirst duty of a cricketer is to hold 
the ball. 



OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. lit-r l.ile-l 
work. Tlif .Vim <xi:ni I 

.V..INCII well kiioxs : .irlu-r 

..IT. I I I III gtllfM III l('l//i'll .!/! 

. rv--nttl .1 -k.-ldi founded i >u tin- character .mil fur 
. MiiiniiiM. .!!,! tint, without tin- life of his 

hr uonlil hut haxc 
It'll llial!> \V MM'. 

Mufiuui-d i k up I- 

1 II illinin I </K , u on. 

.i--lll.UI. . :d\ . lilldi 

with, (tut i<> the reader, aa t ,/ -nti-d 

_. The kdl i>f the novelist in shown in tin- opportunity 

!<T- III till' husband 

| i'l ill 111 

amnce. At i ' middling with. 

finall.v mining, lii- hig! tin- el tin w ife. unaci ouutal.l. 

even to heraelf for -hat \MHI|I| wear out 

tin- piitii" in-hangel. '"'.'/ A 'itlif i* nut an end.-aring 

II.' It .' I like lll\ 

will occasionally U- impatient with her husband - 
almost indnmit .'!. Inxing kindness. Hut the diver-*- char- 
acter*, drawn with .idi. .,-. though firm touch, command 
interest. The >:.iry of tin- hndbuM and wife mak> 
through vistas nf |, ,1 ., .1 -., ial life, (prilliant in their 
colouring. Incidentally we have a sketch (if the hi-' 

1 i i- in .luhilce day- l'.\ 

vv.iy of contrast ihiTt- an. delightful won I pictun-.- of V. 
liy day and night. Alike in construction, character drawing 
anil literary style. Mr-. I|I>IPIIR\ \V Mtn's latent work stands 

forth high almve tl rdin::ry level. Muvi-*fiilly 

with other iiuLstcr|>iei's liy tin- KIIIH- hand. 

Of Tlit Confest'um* f nn .\mliil 'KIIIH \tuth, i- \\t.i\i\\\\\ 
the Uinui ix nnalile to make either head or tale. At lir~t he 
thonxht it xva- Kninj{ to U- a story after the style of the 
"l> liiary." lint thin forecast he soon found \\.i- ill ...... si 

to ilisapiiointmcnl. The thinks that it may U- inteii<le.| 
to illustrate, in a shadowy sort of way. the story of a . 

>ne wr..r,K. and of what ini^ht have U-en a RM! 
family ""' wnm>; after her; hut the Haron cannot con 
Mcientionsly allirm that this inlerj. relation is the true rue. 
The attentive and curious reader, ijiiick at skipping over 
confidential jmra^raphs and perpetual allusions t., literary 
and dramatic authors, will pmluhly find himself inter 
Mll. l>y 'its and starts, in the i|iie<T iloin- , of 

the char.u-ters ; ami. if s.i. he \\ill ha\e to exerci-e consider - 
alile in^-nuity in "trying Uick," picking uj. the scent, and 
then following the ri^ht line of country. The .\ml>ilion.i 
Mother MVIIIS to have U>-n intended for a second 
woman ami a liar. Now to inten-t the reader in 
uch a study of char.u-ter ri->puin-s that the heroine should IM> 
equal in her way to lt,-rl;y >'/ijr/, and that a novelist e-iual 
to THAI KKIUV should i\e us the story of her life. The 
authorship w anonymous; the Huron has not the 
ciiriiity to penetrate the veil of anonymity. 

In Tin- \"iritilntlr* ,.f Krnngrlinr i hrckWoHiii . Ki IM,K 
^ gives tig further confessions of the younn |x-r>on. I'.ui 
the nairrtf which was found so piquant in Tin- \'i*itt of 
Kliziilx-tli no longer ti iiK-enLt it* affectation of in^enuou-- 
fidUMrftM l.o n-lation to her of the " forest prime'. 
frankly announces her intention of IN-COIIUHK :l " "'l 
ture"; hut hhe in spared the <lisilliisionment which might 
have been no nalutar\ for her ami -. entertaining for the 
rwuler At the lirt Kl.-p she is dnert.-.! fn.m her I,. 

by the intervention of a I'uke's heir out of a (.. 

lieautiful "shape." and is called I'm 
a name to flutter the servants' hall, and xerv sui 
!i-h cqiiixalcnt. the humble HOI..I Th. 

: -;k and kiss In- hind a fog, and the 1' 
ix fastidious lx|-e. is obliged to yield to hfi ~>i|-erh 
dignity and i|..l.iii- that she will make "a magnr 

The U,k. says my Nautical Ki tainei 
an adaptation from a continental novelette, with the 
explicit impi p urged, and little left of ti 


As for the old dex ice of a diary, this is alwav- useful if 
CI for a slipshod -tyle ,1!,,. author -|., ,,ks of 

"that lovely lii-ling of being abxe. and not minding much 
whal ha; , fed HO sp|,-i,,| ,|. !,,,. ] ^,., ,,,, | lm . ,| , 

but surely there are limits to the | .nit i.juit v. 

and she should not have attempted, at this late ho, 
convex an air of reality by the suggestion th. 
journal v\ .blicalii.n ; as when sin 

that there is ' 1:0 u-e pretending when one is writing 

OWn thoughts for 's own sell to read when one - ohl." 

However. I he In , ,k is |,., li K |,t for heavy criticism ; and. after 

all. it i- far above tin- average l.-x.-l ,,f the I-',,,,,, I,/ ll,r,il,l. 
Will, its lurid sidelights on the arista-racy, and Us 1ml, 
of French not a! liy ait-mate it should h.i 

I he Kaioii has no hesitation in recommendii 
' ' II M .! IIS l,.\,. . to all 

lime with novel - reading is neces- 

limit.-d. 'I he U.,k entitled A", ' ,( s of tw. 

and quite distinct stories, although, as ti -iividing the finish of the lirst and the comment-,- m 

of the second, and as the title of the s.-cond. TI,,' !' 

-uggest the continuation of the story of A',-//;,'- 
her marriage, it is as \v,-!| t,, warn the' interest,,! and 
sanguine that TI,,- /'<;/,- / Tim has nothing whatever I 
with .M,i,t,-iii,,ix,-ll,- A',-//i,-. The misunderstandings which 
make the tragicomedy of A",-//;,'* life are natural in the 
circumstances, and will appear, to the interested spectator 

illy considering the circtimslai. ,uiie natural. 

On two separate occasions there are just those complic.ii 
that the right word said by the right person to the other right | 

" : " 'I' 1 ' r'Klit ment, would clear up in less than lixv 

miimles. The dialogue througl | is sharp and to the point ; 

the badly pronounced incornvt French is capitally rendered, j 
The slight incidental sketches of French <,',: mav be 
SOperficially Correct, but they must U- taken as exceptional, i 
and not by any means as t\|H-s of a niis.-r.ibly underpaid. I 
liberal-minded, devoted order. The .second story. Tin- /'.( 

Tim. will inevitably recall toil xperieni-,-,1 in mdodi 

the |>lot of Pauline; while the action in a grimly sensational 
icminds us ,,f the strong situation in l.,i It,,,,.. 
The story is none the worse for ihis; and it 
except just at the somewhat hurried ,!,'. -.. ellenllv I 

told. How one who is so p,-rfict in French as l.i , - 
must have U-en riled by the 
printer's " // n'il /MIX </ rlitim-f." 
and by the title of the wdl 
known iJegent Street restaurant 
U-ing given as '//. (',',: 
/i'"i/o/c." It is indeed con. 
-iderate on the part of l.i i v- 

i. t,, supply occasionally 
a full and free translation of 
a French sentence for the 
enlighti nment of u-tu-h of her 
F.nglish readers who may not 
haxc had the good fortune to 
visit K,,ul, . DE 


AI-KII. f., I '.HI;,. 




Friend from Tuicn (aflur mnxiiltixg pond-to-point card). "CALL HIM RUGBY, DO YOU, JACK? WELL, I SHOULD CALL HIM CLAHIAM 



[A recent (liMMVfi-y in Mexico. It is held to possess all the charms 
of tobacco, and at the same time to he not only innocuous, but actually 

to stimulate Until digestion and appetite.] 

I'YowKi! ill! tin 1 West, with the soft, sweet, name, 

Follow, oh, follow thy new-won fame, 

Marihuma ; 

Follow it out from the thankless West 
(Nasty uncivilised part at best). 
Come ! We would know thee, know thee and test, 


Here is one I have loved full well, 

Sister of thine, with a sister-spell, 


Mild as the sap of the Balsam-Tree, 
Sweet as the odours of Engedi, 
Rose of a thornless Briar, she, 


Ah, but she worketh this'evil thing, 

Save wo be diary of worshipping, 

Marihuma : 

Surely slie semleth a poisoned dart, 
Scraping the coats of the tender part, 
Giving us Staggers, and Smoker's Heart, 


Thou, 'tia said, hast a purer charm, 

Milder and sweeter, and free from harm, 

Marihuma ; 

Thee we may honour from morn till night, 
Worship, and win of the grateful rite 
Aid to digestion and appetite, 

Marihuma ! 

What is the truth of the tale one hears, 

Marihuma ? 

Art thou the thing we have sought for years, 
Marihuma ? 

Come, for thy presence alone can show 

(Man had discovered it years ago, 

Anywhere else than in Mexico), 

Come, then, come to a kinder land, 

Marihuma ; 
Thou shalt be met by a big brass band, 

Marihuma ; 

Come to the trumpet, come to the drum, 
Come to the toot of the flute : ah, come, 
Come to the Pipe of your own Dun-Dun, 

Marihuma ! 

OF HIS LOST CAUSE." The Only Darling ! " All 's Well that 
Ends Well, Act II., Sc. 1. 

Vol.. L'XXVIII. 




WHJN from iii-'.nit f>art- 
DfeMii v. ith f : . - *i talk. 

Inn linn 

ipl hi home - ilk 

When at length In- e\e has lit <m 

Dover - in. 'li- lliat mo k- tin- tide, 
What it it that -nr- tin- Hnt.ui 
With a th: 

r xpettiiut in the pit > f hi-> u. 

. I ' i places 

Pitifully far In-hind 
I '- in all tin- arl- anil g: 

if rnl tun-, lin-.iilth of iniml '' 

i. 1.. Yl| 1. - 

. their gift*, with otir> mini-.. 
What haxc tin') tn match with M 

i 'r tho Hall- ..f I.'iei-ter Sj 
< 'r the rrrre of Carlton dinners where Ideas are in tin- air 

ii.ix In- iliillt-r 

Than tin i have named, 

Deaf to iini-ic. liliml to cxilour. 

Bare of art ami niuwhan 
./, HT ,/V./.ri> we may have missed 'em, 

MIT play of wit be alow, 
In- finds no second system 
Whoae affaire so smoothly flow 

I'nilistiirlxM by thoee who reckon they arc there to run 
the show. 

Other lands that view their Senates 
As the fount of social law 
m their paternal tenets 
Hang with unaffected a 
We regard our Chambers' chatter 

As of negligible weight, 
Like the wind of schoolboy battle 

In a boarding-hi m-e ilebate, 
Full of noise but calculated not to compromise the > 

Here they fight, by fiscal faction 

Torn in two or even more, 
Kver seeking new distraction 

In the strokes they dealt before; 
While the nation, doing nicely. 

Goes the way it always went, 
Carrying on its work precisely 

Alt it would in the event 
Of an apntioprsif overtaking Parliament. 

That is why the homing trotter. 

Pendent n'er the steamer's side. 
Feels his British he-art grow hotter 

With a (tense of native pride . 
1 'lit of lands whose rulers lead 'em 

My a tutelary string 
H.- has come where ample Freedom 

Soars at large with lusty wing, 
And the voice of politicians is a very little thing. O. S. 

The Revival of Wel.h. 

" THE Carnarvon Town Con m il a-k.-d for the support of the 
Council of that town in its application fur the location . ! the 
proposed Webb National Museum at Carnarvon Castle. It 
was decidedfmefrbgeb ggefn- k'-tiktl j\ ttpjHi. It was resolved 
to support Carnarvon." .\ -rr h H'.i/.-x ' 


liab 'l-'t here 
wcr. md : only the cle\, 

I'lendidlx -erxed up. but all the 
.ishmg in the world can't alone for indifferent c.oking. 

drop metaphor and c. .me to Im-. 

What sort of plax the French original of / >n li,irri. In -\> vs 
l(l< IIKI-IV, might haxe l-,-n it would IM. ibtlii-iilt to gather 
I'lllil-loi-mi: Si. .Ions- adaptation a- produced at the 
, Theatre. The one thing certain about tl. 

ill the "curtains an- dramatically contrived, si, 
that, howwer dull in dialogue and wearying by its inaction, 
the Pi.. I .,i,x one of the three 

dramatic situation can I,,- depended upon suddenly to eh-c 
tnfx the audience ml" a bur-t of enthusiasm which bi 

down " the drop " to genuine applause. The curtain h 

l r.u-ed e than once to allow of the gniteful ai 

and ai-tn-.--.-s hoxving their acknow l.-dgment.-. while ai 
them Mr. (ill 111 Kl II Mil. the liar.- apj Kiti.j Lmi.i tin- 

sad of countenance and weary in manner, mode-fix 
dep:- | extra praise he may seem to have deserved bx 

-.rally clever stage management. 

The number of per-ons employ ;, the idea that 

-uch a ],i,v,- a- this xvould have had a far greater chaii. 
llrury Line or Hi- M The mi.-, oiild not haxe 

U-en by any mean- a simple task, even though Mr. tin 
Hv!:l were aided by Stage Manager Mr. b'.".n: Al.xuv and 
Assistant I'itto Mr. < 'mini - MXX.SXKII. 

Tin- mii-i, . d and directed by Mr. HKKIIKIM Sxiiin. 

i no little assistance to the conventional melodramatic 
action of the play; while the graceful and sparkling ballet 
m.-rit- the praise be-towed upon it by the benignant but 
critical Monarch in whose honour it ha- been arranged by 
that worthy innitr,- </c </< Sienr .Ir.xs li'Ai n\s. 

Messrs. BrcXfi, HXNS and HXUKIU, the thr.-e for 

1C Honours, haxe excelled ihem.-elxe-. each in hi- 
departinent of art; link- in the Prologue and Kpil 
llxvs in "the Pavilion iglitmi. but Yer-aille- 

in "The l>,< Itttrr'i'x 1 fed room " .Act II part 

menl. win-re M\s\ make- the bed and k. .thing ill 

most apple-pie order; while HxiikKi: has "The Park at 
I /HI \ecientie-" to himself, and produces a most cffi-cii 

All the tableaux are so striking that, produced alone a- pie 
lures without words, ex cry single one of them , perhaps except- 
ing the finish of Act I.I would tell its own story at a glance, 
and be received' with as hearty applause as now greets them. 

Tin-re i.- some good artistic work done in t ; of the 

play, as, for instance, the M, 1,1,1111,' hdnllf ol M 
< 'in.- IKK. on whose by play and that of the girl- under her 
direction, in the shop-scene of the Prologue. de|fnds the 
success of the po> managed love making situation 

U'twecn /Yin. -.- /.'"//,! (Mr. I loi- 

r.i /.,-ni ,Vr (Mrs. Biioxvs I'om.ii. Mr. Wn i.i x\i I gives 

tone to the character of the King's confidential valet 
do the two HEHBEins. V\ \x_vs and HKHI.I-OV. t,, the imp,- 
p.irts of Bernard and Morin. 

.V- the imperturbable scoundrel ./.,/ -/// Hurri. the \illiiin 
of the piece, Mr. Wiu.usi AHIM.I-IS is a- g 
this is meant complimentariwise) ; though if the author had 
made him ever eo much worse, Mr 
b -en ex.-r so much better. 

Had the dialogue Ix-en up to the situations, had th. 

-trongly cast, and had Mr- BBOWl I'-uii. iieMT -.-en or 
heard of Sxi.-x HI.KMIMM.I. but had Uvn ciuehed in the part 
by an autocratic e\|K-rieneed master of all 
clu.ling " making-up," ami had the piece In-cn in. 

reca-t. it is highly probable that a very .,-cess 

would haxe been obtained. Now. "c'ett magnifique," and 
therefore is not unlikely to prove t^ i!\ "attract 



(Tangier, March 31.) 

KAISER WILHELM (as the Moor of Potsdam) sings: 

Armi. ;'), I'.MI.V 





(to artist, ichose patience is becoming exhausted after waiting a good half-hour for the correct position). " WE 'LL SOON 

'AVE 'IM ALL RIOHT NOW, Zlll '. " 


[Some " Active Assisters " have recently foiled a desire for cheap 
martyrdom by anonymously paying the Educational rate of the Passive 
at Haywsrd's Heath.] 

YE Active Assisters of Hayward's own Heath, 
'Who merit a leaf out of History's wreath, 

Let the Humorous Muse 

Flit around with the news 
How you ransom the crank by the skin of his teeth } 

More pow'r to your elbows and purse-strings, say I ! 
Straight down to your village I 'in longing to fly, 

Where I'd live on the cheap 

And contentedly sleep, 
While my conscience allows me on you to rely ! 

( >r say, could you send a detachment to stay 

Near here where I 'in living (out Hammersmith way)? 

With your pockets well lined, 

I c;in readily liml 
Some local arrears that I'm loth to defray. 

Our Councillor Graballs have visions immense 
Of Utopias squeezed out of rate-payers' pence, 

Until my soul recoils 

From providing their spoils 
S< i come to my rescue ! I claim your defence ! 

I 've pious objections to pay s, d. 

For loading each loafer with luxuries free ; 

But if you will shell out, 

Unabashed I will shout, 
" Qul facit per alhim faeit per se ! " 


" THREE thousand " for a Cinyal-ee 
Made EDW-RD-S use a double " d." 
" Though G-LL and Bn-KF-U) were so funny," 
Says GEORGE, " it wasn't worth the money ; 
And," as he adds with great good sense, 
'' They got their laughs at my expense. 
The sum, from my experienced view, 
Like every piece that is brand-new, 
Wants cutting down. Jf 1 am wrong 
Let .fudges say. They will, ere long." 

"MARSHAL (MAMA" (says the Times) "is comfortably quar- 
tered in five Chinese houses, and is in excellent health." 
Assuming that the words "drawn and" were inadvertently 
omitted before the word "quartered," we can only express 
our amazed admiration at the recuperative powers of these 
Japanese. It would look, by the way, as if there were not 
quite enough sections of the gallant Marshal to go round. 


Ami :,. 1905. 


pfW gift will l .PTT reader! 

i Mlr i. ilrah mid m ihi p*g*.J 

M ./* .t;. ' 

off my Milder'- hat and carried it along 
the nud and round the ii.rner. "Si"l;l " 

rfih iH U -..-IT mun^liaielx pursued his hendgenr.,,thm (hum..] When h'e turn.-! the corner it ... 

liowhei,- t.. l- --.-I!, lint he notiivd that 
HKV ,d of wearing a ragged 

n* i! a month ugo in n tit of lilnck Imt, wna tlaunling himself wnh a 

n head i-overmg. ' 'f 

H t,, ' gui-il that it was 

dlow him to play it his hat that the tramp was wearing, and 

within her domicile he taxed him with stealing it The 

He thinks that if he did once have tramp deni.-d that Mich was the 
leaann I brought up a whole string of argu- 

.t t |.-.i\e ments to prove thai the hat did U-long settled to 1m: i-ould not disprove the 

help him out of tramp's assertion, and as the vagrant 
: tTlciiltx liv giving Inn* :i wa- the lugger man 

to wend his way homeward minus his 
The ijuoKtion is --(Iv ii headgear. 

: Uinjo. or M "pen to you. 

s On .:i the No hat 

hardly worth while to write to me about Brigade. Another i- to wear a hat- 
it, although of COUrae it affords n* .;;., id A third is to w. ,r an elastic 
another opportunity of showing m\ under the chin. A fourth is to learn 
urbanity and readiness. Also it ent it I. -pancse art ,.) self defence. l.\ 
you to the surprise gift although that which, according to the- circular, a little 

M no great ahakea. 

inan can Ui-om.- the Mi|-riiir of the 

nit. A tifth \v r," is to write 

i \PIUM.1 K ACER "asks me your nnme in-ide \oiir hat. Had you 

to tell him the name of shelter pa|M>r for done thi~. \mi could gontly hut firnilv 

the home circle than Brotrn'x Weekly. My have cuiivinciil tho tramp that the hat 

dear Sir, you have achieved the hitherto u.,- \oiir- and not his that is. if he 

impowible : you have Btumped me. ,ld read. If he could n> ; I lose 

all interest in the case, since /{num'* 

I hare before me a very pnth-tn- letter U'.vA-/i/ exists in vain for him. 

from a boy of sixteen yean*. He si^ns One little thiii alM.nt your letter 

lumeelf " I'iu-i' . and residpH in Hull. perplexes me. Why. consideriiiL,' that 

He tolls mo that on the slightest you did not have a go at the tramp. 

occasion his mother goes to the cupboard do you call yourself " SjMirt ? " 
and bringa forth a bottle, and makes 

lum take a dc*e of nlmoxioiis medicine. " IWm.Kivs " has the misfortune to 

Ixnind volume of Hiiitrn'* \\'rrkly. 
^.-arl\ volumes. " p.,m.M\s." in three- 
(juarter nioroc-.i. half kicked with kid, 
can U- ohtained from the office, price 
I.V.I./ ,-,st t- 

Ird lUu MV\ telegraphs to know if 1 
can toll him on what day Ko*tor Monday 
will fall this \. ,, | |\ 

falls on April L'l 1 . I am enahled thus 
rapidly and accnrat. -ly to give v,.u this 
ni-oiidite infornuilion through having 
on my d.-.k one of the liroirn'* '.' 
d t 'alend 


ll U now dei 1 that (loneral l.isii.- 

M nil's army is to IK- increased. It 

d that as much success can IK; 
mist the Japanese with a few 
trooji-. as with manv 

Mor.-.v.-r I'.-.ico is d.H-lared to ) now 
almost asuur.'.l. The ('/M.IMI.II 
List persuaded his father tl 

, 1 * m , . 

tlie HQBSian tr-- to goon l.cmg 

lor ten \ears nioi. 
would not \ H - impr 

usually a very In-althy Uiy. he lie related to a person who is continually 

not iiimatunilly dislikes the custom, ami making awful puns. He tells ..... that 

In- want.s to know if he should refuse to he does not mind |>o<>ple who make 

U- dos,.d j|, tlij s indiscriminate nuinner. smart puns, lint this relation of his 

You say you are a very healthy Ixiy. brings forth the same old pun OMT and 

J'tn-n "; but do you know this? over agiiin, and " I'OKH.KMV- " thinks 

Does not mother know \**ft There is that he must have regaled his j^irlicnlar 

an old and tender sung which stateH jH-t.s at h-ast throe hundred times this 

I hat a Imj's U-.I friend is his mothuar. year. 

Ix-lieve in that Hong. I believe. In the olden times. " Pom I.MN-," 

I'in-i.-." with all my heart that your such things as tliumliM -rews and other 

mother is right. At the .same time it is implements of torture were used ujxin 

nly fair to say that a really clever I my crimiimls and the like. I have no doiiht 

would n-tain the nielicine in his mouth that if your relation had lived in 

mid his mother had gone. :in ,| t],,.,, days ami made such awful puns he would 

I*1 "' have been dragged to the di-.-p.-i dun- 

geon, there to make the acquaintance of 

'SPORT" write* to tell me about the Mich tortures as ] have mentioned. 

audacity of the vagabonds and tramps Karlier still. ' |'..M 1 1 KI\-. ' lieforc 

wbo exist in the northern part ..f language was invented, there can ln\o 

>ndon | been no pun.s at all ; which must have 

He was wandering along a deserted been very pleasant. 

road near Barnet. wearing a brown j But yl.u do not. " POFFLEKIS-. want 

i- There also was a person of ! my speculations on the morning of the 

the tramp apedea aome distance in front world; you want some of the practical 

of him, wearing a dilapidated old black counsel for which 1 am famous V, TV 

Just aa the 

tramp was turning a 

corner a tremendous gust of wind New 

well tli.-n, l'oKHj-:KiK8," what J 

is that the next time your friend makes 

a pun .MIU severely welt him with a 

"I think that a IjU-nd < ioMTiimont 
would not find it difficult t">h 
cordial relations with Hn-si.i. d.-clared 
Ird III u last u.-ek at the National Club. Ixird HKAY has 
the lears of a large niimU-r of his 

Consideralile pain has Iwen caused to 
.Mr. .histice lUldlM, liy reas<.u ,,| tin- 
fact that a certain newspaj>or in rv- 
portingoneof \\\- I/.nlship's joke, last 
week, did not indicate that it was 
n-ceiviil with laughter. A~ a matter of 
fact his Lordship's jokes are always 
laughed at. even if it he only l.y the 

A man wl nee ].|a\.-d Hnmlrt 18 

now s<'lling lxil laces in tin utn 
Newcastle on -'1 '\ lie. \\'e siipjKise it is 
optimistic to ho]>o that this wi: 
become a fashion. 

The newspaper trade is threatem-l 
with a severe Mow. A gentleman has 
written to the I -..plain of meat 

and other eatables U-ing wrapped up in 
newspapers, and suggesting tli 
pr.n tic,- sh.ill |.e made ill- 

A new fourpenny Maga/ is giving 

back that sum t.. all pun-i 

rival, we hear, is short h to appear 

which will, in addition, give conij 

lion to such purchasers as shall furnish 

adequate pr.ifs of having read it 

One of our in.., i pr inont hahitual 

drunkards wa.s o\erhead asking in a 

Ami 5, 



And Gallic gaiety is becoming dis- 
tinctly Anglicised. The French now 
take the KAISER'S pleasures sadly. 

FROM the I'dfje .Mercury: 

KINO WILLIAM'S TOWN. Riotous Conduct. 
LIZZIE MTEXQWE pleaded guilty to creating a 
disturbance in Bridge Street by eating ner 
mother ; and was sentenced to fourteen days' 
hard labour. 

W T e consider that the punishment was 
not excessive. If one must do this kind 
of thing, it should certainly be done in 

*" Sentire cum Ecclesia ; common-sensed 
In lay thought; preaches live sermons; read- 
ing, intoning, natural ; world graduate ; visits 
sympathetically. 150. Chuivh Timr*. 

It seems a lot for the monev. 

Imp. tlio other day. for "The 
of Topiary," recently published 
UN Mr. .Ions LANE. 

An ointment has lieen in\ ruled which 
claims to prevent mosquitos and other 
inserts from biting human beings, and 
the SficieH fur tlie lYeventiun nl '( Ylielty 
to Animals is expected to take the 
mailer up. 

It is so difficult to know what present 
ive In a friend who has recently 
suffered a bereavement that we have 
nothing but praise for the enterprising 
American linn which has just produced 
a pack of playing-cards for Bridge witli 
mourning borders. 

A correspondent writes to ask US 
which is the best handbook to "Pit." 
He has an idea that Lord ROBEHERT once 
wrote a book on the subject. 

By the by, the latest cure for a head- 
ache is said to be not to play "Pit." 

Captain l''i:\si:u should be satisfied. 
The Jury has declared his play to be 
worth 120,000 Tanners. 

The Scottish Women's Liberal Federa- 
tion has passed a resolution declaring 
that "the time has come when each of 
the four parts of the United Kingdom 
should manage its own affairs." "Manage 
iis i iwn affairs " is certainly a nicer expres- , 
sion than " mind its own business." 

A German Professor maintains that | 
deej) yawning, practised as a regular 
exercise, is the surest road to perfect 
health. This explains, but. does not 
excuse, the desire of many persons lo 
get into Parliament. 

The Entente progresses. " Come to my 
Brest," is France's latest invitation to us. 




I DO not claim Apollo's grace, 

And yet the fact must be confessed, 
I oft have thought that I possessed 

A not unpleasing cast of face. 

I do not think that I am vain, 
And yet I could not but opine 
That others, side by side with mine, 

Were really singularly plain. 

Now all is changed. A fearsome gloom 
Has fallen on me like a cloud. 
Dread, spectral, gaunt, and beetle- 

I see myself, till crack of Doom ! 

Oh, is this awful visage mine ? 
ThisY-ountenance, distorted, weird, 

Wherein all form has disappeared, 
And vanished every classic line? 

Would I had shunned the banquet-hall, 
Nor sat, with calm, seraphic look, 
Whilst some abandoned miscreant took 

A flash-light photo of us all ! 

Oh, gladly would I murder him 

Who fixed his weapon with such guile 
That all lopsidedly I smile 

Down in the lens's lowest rim ! 

FROM the Daily Nettx : 

WHY BE A CLERK when you can secure 
berths as violinists on yachts, 8 to 12 
a month? Knowledge of instrument not 

Audiences on yachts are easily pleased. 








d, "In 


-- . 

i lie rout of i. 

.o KUSCK is gro 

this moment, we believe it would ! 
: to contain not more than 300 
complete suit- in other words, that he 
t no better equipped than ' 
KUZABBIB was 300 years ago." 
days after the appearance of this state- 
a telegram was from 

Count \v challenging the 

i if the Time* to despatch a repre.-enta- 
tsdam. where In- would lx> 
y op|>ortunity to examine and 
enumerate (lie contents of tin- lni]>crial 
wardrolic. The Kditor of the Ti 
uill IK- rciuemU-ied. d.-elm.-.l to accede 
i tins request on the ground that Midi 
-km was not :.-!, ant with the 
irj;e of his editorial functions, and 
this i a \crv bad impres- 
sion in the (.icrman capital. Tile 
insinuation tl,.i' the K MSER was inade- 
quately <"iuip]>ed with suitable habili- 
so it was pointed out l>\ the 
MMiii-officiul licrlin press was an insult 
of the most cmtrageous description, but it 

WHS aggnr 'iiipariiii; a moiiarfh 

of his splendid talents :iti<l achievement* 
with ~ ob-cure and futile i/i<-/i/itiri(iv/i,/ 
a ruler as (Jutvn Ki.i/.im:in. Hut the 
ill (.fling thus engendered was not 
confined to the columns of the Press. 
The Timn correspondent in IWlin \\a- 
assaulted in a restaurant by a (ienuan 
ofl'n-iT. who struck him over the head 
with a Itliitirui-ft ; diplomatic relations 
vo countries jjrew pain- 
fully str.n withdrawal of the 
German Ambassador fn>m Jndon 
seemed imminent : and a | .v.-rfnl 
squadron < -hips was in. 
at Kiel. 'Hie htonneloud dispersed as 
rapidl) .1- it had gathered, 

.- ..II the ; 

which v * in a 

li .ij I . .ir- I the 

..HH of the 
vail tlieni- 

ill.- lin| .rial t'han- 
artuiK f.r 

de-< nlicd in the 
ua> met on his arrr 


amid the cheers of the inforiated IHIOU- 


" \\'hen I ,trri\.-d at the l'al.ii-e." u rites 
Mr If Minn 


a rather full --kirted In r .ulile- 

brcaste'l white .ii>u M.xirish 
bloomers, and a very /' I.-/. After a 
-nni|.tii -ii- c<>ld collation in the lm|' 
breakfa-i parlour, the Chancellor siiin- 

i the Chief KeejHT of tile Ward 

robe, a Stalwart YVcM|.halian naini-d \o\ 
S IIISKIMIIIN. and my tour of ins|n-ctioii 
began. V, i) M - 

' Afghan 

a fine apartment with a |-.n-.[ui-t il....r 
and richly wliitewaslii*<l wall-. \\ : 
enumerated the following articles of 
headgear: 7n c.-ked h !1 silk 

II white beaver hats. '.H) Imwler 

hats, 26 Panama hats, 3ti'> hclinet-. 
52 deerstalkers, one gross of motor caps, 
13 Cardinal's hate, one diver'- head 
pitvc. Jl.'! mortar-lxKirds, 1L' lilac SUM 
I xui nets, 10 kalpaks and I'.l sandjaks. 
Having chet-ked the figures of the 
cbartend accountant who aooompanied 

mi-. 1 willingly acceded to the request 
of the KIV|T of the WardnilH* to ]iar- 
lake of some lijjht refreshment, consist- 

ing of smoked tongue and Johanniabe^g, 

ami then entered the 


"This is a truly magnificent room, 
measuring 60x20 feet, and fitted with 
every appliance for the maintenance of 
footgear in perfect repair. One large 
cupboard was devot<-<l entirely to spats, 
of which I wunted 313 brace, arranged 
in four sections to suit the four seasons 
of the year. The numlicrof puttees and 
trailers entirely passed my |m. 
com|Mitati<m, but I r.-adily accept 11,-rr 
VON SIIIVM \IIKIV'- .-timati-tliat they run 

into four Inures. The INK,!-, S||,K-S, 

pumps. A,-, worked out as follows: 
100 pair- of :HJ j.airsof waders, 
75 pairs of iir|iise.hidc shooting 

I-H of Hliichei liX) pairs of 

ordinary wide -welted walking boots, 

98 pair- of lirown U.,is, UK) pairs of 

'l.ini-in k ' | limp-. 

>f f.tb.ill l. 
of white buck-kin crick. 

MloW--li.--. 17 I ,/;i. 

I can only s.i\ that they 
anioiintitl t.. a regular forest, while the 
supi'ly of blacking, cream, dubbi. 

V lib, ral -..di-. I ..rtilinl 
with two or t: .-IK'iit 

Kuinmel 1 then j.r the 

Ci \II.-M Si ii Coi in. 

" Tin- maxmlicent hall i.- di\ iile.i 

<!>cial an, 

moiiial uniforms, the other for ordinary 
ornndnasj Taking the forma^ 

A.I- shown ">0 Admiral's uniforms. 
i '.'i l-i.-ld NLir-hal's. l.'itl Colo,,. . 
Cardinal's. In Aichimandrite'-. and a 
l".iut;ful ami uni.iue -nit of . 
Sunday clothes with |>earli.-- complete. 
The department of 1111-4 ellam-. ,11- mufti, 
however, intere.-ted me most. Here 1 
saw hiimlriMl Norfolk jackets, 
doubl. and 

yoked bolero-, clerical \, 
in>,' in the Nori \<-ling 

kllick' ^lilies 

our Mr. IkMiiui-. "exhai. 
with the laUmr- of computation, which 
had n mi for hour-. I 

readily acquiesced in the ] 
my court.- ne that we -hould 

defer furth.-r in ,- until \- 

partaken of a litfht supper. The meal. 
-'ing of lobster ina\onnai-e. /<i/, ; 

i/r.i.f. and champagne, was - 
iii the Hygienic Underclothing < 

acce-s to which is providi-l by a lift 
ojieuin^ on the Cn-at I'mt i-orri'lor. 
Tin' atiiio-phere of tlie Crypt leiii>{ 
rather sultry, ami the champa^'in 
lent, 1 am free to confe-s that I 
neither in the m>-l nor in the cmiiiition 
to carry out the remainder of i 
ploration with the same ri^'onm- atten- 
tion to details. I ha\e. however, a \i\i<l 
nvollection of a regiment of ti 
.stretchers a photograph of which I 
enclose over one of which 1 -tumbled 
with painful re-ult- to my -hin. . 
less coveys of collars, gala\ 
and myriads of a.|iia.-cuta. Sullice it to 
>;iy that lon In-fore my labour- were 

finished 1 was abeolutalj convinced that 

Mr. .III"'.'! I-.A'S imputation could not 
be substantiated, and that < 
l-.t I/.VUI;IH'S aartoria] i^|itipment wa- 
hopele ly -urpas-ed and ontela ed by 

the raperb accumulations of the I'ot-dam 
wardrobe. Nothing more remains to be 

-ilid except ti > expre-s the hopi- that IIIV 

brother journalists will ^ive the widest 

le currency to tin- narrati\. 
to \oiee my sali.-factioii that il ha 

d to me to a. i.-l in allaying the 
friction which bade fair to .--Iran. 
great ami fricndK I 

Al'HII. .">. llMI.'i. 




WHMV you 're lying at your stake-boat you can watch the 

other crew, 

Who return the pretty compliment liy taking slock of you; 
And you see the Umpire talking with a most determined lace. 
And you wish he'd finish quickly and make haste to start 

the race. 
Then your scarves and caps and sweaters you deliberately 


And the pistol gives a crack, 
And you heave your body back 
And before vou know yon 've started vou have realised you 're 


Oh, it's joy to send her leaping, and it's ecMa>\ to feel 
That your back is solid iron and your muscles springy steel ; 
That your heart can pump for ever, that your wind can never 

g0 ' 
Though a stormy league divides you from the place to which 

you row ; 
With the other crew alongside, hard at work and going 

strung ; 

While you hear the steady roar 
Of the masses on the shore, 

And it's "hands away, and swing it out, and keep the finish 

Xow the Captain shouts, "Come on, boys," and the coxswain, 

" Five, you 're late " ; 
And you 're through the Bridge at Hammersmith and on to 

Chiswick Kyot, 
Have you gained, or are you failing? How the dickens can 

you tell ? 

You can seethe back in front of you and see it swinging well. 
But at length, when you've been spurting (and it seems to 

last a year), 

With a rattle and a splash, 
And a clatter and a dash, 
You 're ahead ! and, lo, the other lot are lagging in the rear. 

Oh, the whistle-shrieks of steamers, and the megaphones of 


And the blur of every feeling as you pick her up with ten ! 
And your legs are fairly aching, but you plant your feet and 

When you 're leaving Barnes behind you at a stroke of thitfy- 


And the pace gets fast and faster was there ever such a pace? 
Far too furiously fast 
To allow a man to last ; 
And by Jove! the "Ship" at Mortlake ! and you know 

you 've won the race. R. C. L. 



SIR, We beg to thank you for your favour to hand 
this morning, and note that you are seeking a medium-sized 
house with some shooting, at an easy distance from town. 
V\ e are glad to know that a very charming property which 
we are instructed to dispose of fills all thene requirements. 

^ ide Manor, Fenstead, is near a station, under an hour 
from London, yet delightfully rural, aiv.j is in every way 
suited for a gentleman's residence. It is a compact and 
attractive house, and although the acrsage, consisting of 
well-grown plantations, is limited, yet extensive shooting 
an he easily obtained over almost adjoining land. We feel 
sure that, on viewing this property, you will be greatly 
pleased with it. We have the honour to be, Sir, &c. 





GENTLEMEN, We are obliged for your inquiry as to sites for 
outer suburban sfiop property, and have pleasure in sending 
you the enclosed particulars of 18 acres of land at Fenstead, 
with extensive frontages on well-made roads, in a rapidly 
growing locality. The house at present on the ground has 
been unoccupied for some years, but, at the price which we 
are prepared to accept for the property as a whole, it will 
pay you well to pull down, and utilise the materials for 
foundations, &c. We shall be glad to hear from you when 
you have inspected the site. Yours obediently, &c. 


DEAR SIR, In reply to your inquiry, we quite understand 
that it is your intention to erect a tallow factory and brick- 
yard, and we think that a suitable location may be found at 
Fenstead, on land which we are offering, close to the railway. 
A siding giving direct access to it could no doubt be readily 
arranged with the company. The whole 18 acres is on clay of 
excellent brick-making quality, and, except for bushy scrub 
in places, the entire surface is immediately available for 
operations. There is a building on the land, formerly used as 
a private dwelling-house and in fair order, which we are 
advised could be used for the tallow factory offices, and also 
affording a couple of capital show-rooms for bricks and tiles. 

Yours truly, &c. 

reu (Jrti 

(Jrtinnu to find out CArirfuiM rfnmra o/ children* fi>lli,-m. . (A<if <-'/< may 

-..prr/ona) "Now. An. I. IHT I-.K- MAMMA cu.i. I'AI-A V " 
UK (-AIL* Bin lUTflt." 
,i4n>M (bailed). "To*. WHAT DOM Yti MoTUKB CALL TUUE FATUM?" 

l(*u. :ilKK XKYM WEAU TO KlTHF.k ! " _ 

Till: SCII.NCK UK (iol.K. 

[A certain make o( firld-gUwm i advertised 
joMnow M "Miiutdr for ffoU-pUyere. enabling 
; . . 

1ml- doubt tint thi brilliant hint will be 
further developed, with Mine inch renulta a* 
tboM! outlm-l in tin- following anticipation.] 

As I t..|.l .I.,M- when lie ii..-i nte at 
il. lion-.-, it was a year -.r more 

-<) till- r! 

were that I should be a l>it U-loxv form. 
Renulrn, I waa told i)i<- standard of 
l-l.f. 1 1. 1> i Uvii ao nn 

,..ii! I ju-t think it 
K.n.1 .I..SK- ' Whv, :i yew ago 
-kitll.- not wh.,i 
prupaiiy call gulf. 

\\\\'f ('<nni- alimg then. Queer old- 


; kes le-s than tlmv now 

; le on the 
.iway in half an 
hour . 

| should ! I remarked, 

.ii mean that it will In- half an 

hour before those men haxe pl.m-d two 

"There or thereabouts. SlVKl", 

fa-t pl.ixer wonderful head for algebra 

that man ha- so it may l>ca sha<l 
Come and watch him; then xoii'll x-e 
what g"lt 

And indc-ed I \\atchc-d him xvith much 
In- siirxcxed the country 
with great care through a liel.l 
Then he xjuinlcd along a theodolite 
di-lant pole. Next he ' 

instrument xxhich v. 
me. a wind-gauge, and - 
thotightfullx . ' 

that he prod iiciil | 
pencil, and was immcr-cd apparently in 
dillicnlt >uni-. l-'inally, he Mim 
one of hi- caddie-, who carried a 
cylinder. ' i.n.-cled to 

tiiis by a pic ! of india-rubber tubing, 
and a slight hi ing noix- wa- li.-ard. 

" I'litling in the hydrogen." explained 
\ thing depend- upon 
Celling the' right amount. New idea? 
n a year ai;o you must 
haxe -ec'ii pneumatic- i;olf ball- iillc-d 
with coiiiprr-sfil air'.' Well, lln- 
.111 obxioii- improxement. Then-, I 
yoint; to clrive noxv." 

And this he- did, n.-ini: a club unlike- 
anything I had seen In-fore. Then he 
-urvexed the putting-green aUnit half 
a mile away through his gla- 
remarki-il that it was a fairir-h shot, the- 
ball In-ing within thr<-<' inchc- of the 
hole-. Hi- companion, who went tli 

me l.-ngthy preliminari. 
fortunate. In a tone of COI.M. 

-I he- announced that he had over- 
drixen the- hole by four hundred yards. 

"Tci much hvdrogen," murmured 
" or c-l-M' he- got In- formula 1 
muddled. Well, we can -tart now. 
Shall I lead the- wax '.' " 

1 begged him to do ao. He in turn -ur 

thiiiK-- tln'y an-, too ! 
youre never going out without your 

" Well." I mill with considerable sur- 
"the fai-t i^. 1 havi'ii't got one. 
What iln you us it for?" 

"Taking levels, of course. An<l 
bless me. you 've no intlater. or glaaaea 

.11 a wiml-K-.m^e ! Shall I I' 
aome for you V ()h. jn-t ;i- you like, 
liut you Won't U< alile to put up Inilcli 

of a game witlmut them." 

-i your i-.uldir take all tliop*- 

'?" laaked, pointing t'> the curious 

aaaaftroent of m.ichinery which put together. 

M oadd ie corrected 

\eyeil the country, oonaulted instruments. 
did elalMirate sums, inflated his ball. 

" Now." he -aid. at length -eltUng 
into lii- -lance. - now 1 'II >liow you." 
And then he missed the ball clean. 

. . t If coiir-c he ought not to have 
used such languagi-. and \et it wa> a 
-. ,rt of relief to tiud mnm-tiiiiKj alKiut the 
which xxa> entirely unclian. 

THE l/.ndoi, 

Irixli .V. ,. 'ii' 1 "I ''"' 


(." MAI- 

mere l.\ at the- agi ol toa, 

Mr. A UK xii xxi A i 

" intelligent anticipation." 



A rim, 5, 1905.] 




|-'.\ll;.\i 1 I.I' 1 l.'i'M IS1 I ' f .01 Ti'l'.Y, M I'. 

of Commons, .!/"//. ///, Mn-i-h i'7 
AVasn't il Lord Mi 1.1:01 I:M. w ho. pie 
siding over a Cabinet Meeting at whicl 
alirrnainr proposals \vnv discussed 
protested In- did not care which \\ay tht 
decision went, but insisted that, if tilt 

matter were deoll with in both I louses oi 
I'arliaiiirnl, an identical story slinulc 
lie told 'f 

The lesson forgotten at the \\'ar ( Ulici 
just now; con-e. | nence is that decpei 
gloom than ever broods o\er the conllict 
round the Colonial jam-pots Australia's 
offering (at a price 1 to the bleeding 
Mother country. FirM rcpurt indicated 
sort of rehear-al of preferential dealing 
as between the ( 'olony and the Kin;; 
ddin. Infused by the missionary spirit 
of which we heal' much when Utilise of 
Ccimmons is not ^atlieivd on private 
Memliers' nights to discuss it, enter- 
prising colonists wedged 1 I d/s. of jam 
into a tin and, scorning fractions, called 
it a pound weight. charging accordingly. 

The game well enough with the War 
( (Mice as customers. Straightway lilo\vn 
upon when the Department, changing its 

altitude, proposed In sell surplus stock. 

li'ude purchasers, insensilile to the lofty 
seiilimenl of drawing closer the bonds 
p consanguinity, insisted on l(i o/s. of 
jam to each several pound. 

Last week War .Minister, OTOSB-ei 
amined on the point, did not deny state- 
ment of Auditor-General. Opposition, 
thirsting for somebody's blood, insisted 
be knowing names (if the i>atriotic con- 
tractors. To-night, I Hn(>.M].KY-l.)AVKxronT, 
spokesman for War ( Hlice, ama/es House 
liy calmly announcing that, it was all 
right. Every penn'orth of jam paid for 
liy the ISritish taxpayer was supplied by 
his Australasian In-other. It is true that 
the ludk was packed in what the Finan- 
cial Secretary of the War Office, smack- 
ing his lips, alluded to as " nominals." 
These were tins, in some cases holding 
1-1 o/.s., in others ^8, labelled one- 
pound and two-pound weight. That 
only the colonists' fun ; the weight was 
scrupulously made up to full avoirdupois 
proportions. As far as the House could 
make out this was done by plastering an 
extra spoonful or two on the lid of the 

nominal." Anyhow there was the jam 
in full quantity. 

Hm>Mi.KY-1> m:\hiur positively beamed 
with delight as he repeated the word 

Nominal." .For sheer blessedness 
Mesopotamia not in it with the new 

There was one aspect of the transac- 
tion which the Financial Secretary 
modestly refrained from enlarging upon. 
lam, like other rations, the War 
Secretary, by the way, always pro- 
nounces the word as if it were spelled 


'J'lie Prime Minister. "Two or three daggers sticking through me? Really? Oh, yes! 
Quite so, quite so ! Now you mention it I can see them distinctly ! Curious I shouldn't have 
notic-ed them, but you see I never read the newspapers. Dou't know that they matter much ! 

\Vliat do you think?" 

m/yshons is served out to messes in 
proportionate weight so many pound 
tins per company. War-worn TOM MI 
ATKINS, beholding a pound can of rasp- 
berry and red currant jam, innocent 
of the mystery of nominals, of course 
reckoned it to be the full pound weight 
of 16 o'/.a. with which he was familiar 
in his island home. The consequence 
is that, assuming the jam was invoiced 
the War Office with due allowance 
Tor short weight, the country would 
nake two ounces per tin out of TOMMY, 
who would be none the wiser anil 
therefore none the worse. 

Thus Peace hath her victories, happily 
.ess renowned than War. 

House listened to explanation in dumb 
ima/ement. There had, BROMLEY- 

DAVKNKWT frankly admitted, been a 
blunder. Even the most wisely directed, 
most carefully guarded Administration 
could not have its eyes, ears and hands 
everywhere. " The local military autho- 
rities had," he said in saddened tone, 
as one hopeless of reaching perfection in 
a sublunary sphere, " under a misappre- 
hension, treated the tins as containing 
full pounds of jam." That is to say, 
having had the tins delivered to them 
as of pound weight, knowing nothing of 
nominals, they had offered them for sale 
as such. 

Here again all would have been well, 
only for the pesky traders who bought 
the surplus stock, and have by this time, 
if the precedent established in matter of 
hay and straw is followed, resold it to 


.t full pn.e \Vi:i 

n . f price ;, 

I I Will I; . 
lit. ill.' *-llT- 

'. lun- 

g.- ill in 

I,' MI *>.: Hi M. w ' ilow. -till 

I- -Ilk-ill, til to I 

. h or. hiiv i Aiinn n 

inteniioii of 

Itir M'.I.T In. .,, ,,,,ii 

part.: .; aasuraiH-c iin|i | k .IIM-im "Shan't 

-,\.i- all right. j % ,ii, king fore 

(Illl- the pla. 

queKtioned mi !,..,. ,.,),,, f,,||, .,,. a wa> from 

' s.-ln.l. which th.-> .I,, wiih promptitude. 

i- III \i - time lu ordinary wa> 
III. idly in ealcliiii; 


: l '. ' ' 

hare heard ..( the dew.e I 1 

nling tohim. entirelj 
eawve drying J..W.T of tin- 

I liavr satisfied m\-el( <>n tint 
ivoi.-i. i-iii|ili:ilii-.ill>. 
- like an 

GUI olgOOT" "i which, nn leaving 

Melbourne, ilmjyjiil down the antic at 
16 oas.,and .>" r -.\ iii.mih- 
10 the -'"i that UtkeH Cape Town 
weighed only 1 I 

- Htat.-in.-iit <>f tlu- l"n.l. ! 

v.-ellenl ; MO wan th:it of the 
Finaii "n reflection Irds 

and Commons m.-.-t on common ground 
of doubt as to which is tin- belter. Hut. 
after all. there in something in 
MEIJI.M'- fan.-y ;il..,iit .(.-iraliility 
Minit.-r- in a fix Kiyiiitf tin- s:iiiu- 
by way of explanation or i-xt-nuation. 

' Rui'tar** <fon*. Seconil midiiiK of 
Appropriation Hill i-l.^nr.-.! in Common-. 
Turnlay ni'jlit. In u l.-tt.-r written 
more than a hunlnd yenr agi-. CIHIMI.- 
I.VVB r.-p.,ri.- how ' run, rj.u- 

insiKi"! mi reading to him iii- 
trag-ly. ' 'n<- i-a^-^ix' 1 liugi-ly 
l-<l LVVIB. S.m.- kinx i.-. tohl that 
.iitfi^l tw.-lv.- an-h.-r- 
tooomeoviT in a |HU fmiu an .MI.'IIIV - 

, ..... I11(K .,,,, , a ,sur,-d. 

\ V | |Ut || ( , ns< . ;m ,| ,,,, m ir> want. f..r th.-ir 

A* Ai riiomn 
Mr. Hromlpy-I)venport 

tlie IIIXSI.TI. - 

of vanishing moles anil <liaj>|>euring j ,1,1 


Tierfw, dart ihou MT ? 
down Titbia* ? " 

Where be UKMW 

1'rot. .- 

I i,,,,j S | inL-lli^'nc.- in mmviilnuxl form; 

ooontry un.l wayliiy him. Whereupon ;l ^ >rt ,,[ uihlniil. to In- taken befor.- or 
hia Majesty path.-lu-.illy .-MLiim- : after meal*. A K f r--at ova-ion. j*,s.-il,l\ 

n.-vcr to be recapturol. Hi NT, studiously 
pn-|irt'<l for it, nw to fullest hri>,'lit. 
Looking round HOUM> to-night, "this N'o rareleeH impromptus for him. Hi- 
KUrpaming 14- I.MII i-alU it. ^.-m- of thought. ,lu in luin.- of pro 

recur* to the wind. Sitting s-< apart foundest depth, i-ir.-fully |K)lislu-<l in 
for debate on Question that IKLS riven a .solitude of study. It was from ^h. 
gnat political party, cloned up ranks of note -pa|-r not half-sheets, Inok yon. 
Opposition, engroawd attention of the hut whole-hoggers he read thesentemi-- 
Empire at home and U-y.-nd ilu- sea.-, that for half an hour oomibed the 

.,( the Missionary tin- A.vUte is not a 

!i .l.-lix'htfully fre.- from 1'arlia- 
r\ ronventionulities TKr"'; 

H I'l.lress,-.) hull, gelltlenii 

with forlii.lden dir.i tncaa. 

trike you." he viid, with thoughtfully ! 

ing the l,i-t.Tous tlir'.nt;. "wh> the f.inin'1- are tumbling 

uiadiaii frontier? >h. 1 ijuite 
understand >ou don't like that, he 

-lilv added in re-|insi- to of 
laugh-. i eall n- whole hoggers 

or lillle | \Vll>. \oll ale the 

tinev win.-> wee-little-piggie-wiga-of-alL 

N.,\\ then. \M- have the larne-l market 
in the world, and why don't we n-e the 
WI-.I|KIII-< iM-hind it? ^ mi gentlemen 
'< are MI thiek-h.-nd.-d thai >ou 
ean'l M-.- it. The faek i-." the orator 
emiinued. turning confidentially i" 
wanls llo\v\iii> \'iv> .lilary 

the (iangway. iK-ginning to 
lie had bonded a I 'arty, "they II -ay any- 
thing practically anything. I Km I the 
jam manufacturers want sugar cheap 
anil fr.v ini|M,rtati f foreign aliens''" 

" No. no," cried a mischievous MemU-r 
of the < )pp,.-iiii,n. 

" Heg your pardon. s;iiil Hi M. glanc- 
ing aero sharply. " 1 looke.1 it up tin- 
other day. Now then. Mr. Si-t.\KKii,do 
yon remetnl>er last Session? Hither the 

I.iU-r.d Party have g stark staring 

mad or they want to know how cheaply 
they can get their wittle- and drink." 

"Sit down." hoarsely whi-percd an 
anguished fellow I'nioni-t. 

Mr. HIM turned and him 
more in .sorrow than in anger. 

" ( ird.-r ! < 'rdi-r ! " cried the delighted 
LiU-raU. " do on ! " and Mr. Ill vt 
went on for another ten minutes. 

Thus did the l-'j iv Traders get a 
Rowland for their ( )li\.-r. 

"A speech indicating the low water- 
mark of argumentative humiliation to 
which Tariff Reform has U-en reduced." 
\-oimi- way of describing the 
sublimation of I'rotectioii articulate. 

Hut that i- obviously party prejudice. 

/iuxim'xx I/.IH. . I;..-, .lutioii denounc- 
ing policx of Ki-cal Retaliation OMlMI 
- nfr i lirantf. 

provided battle-ground for pending 
General Election. Opposition Ix-ni he- 
crowded , Btrangera' galleries thn> 
to topmost rail But Treattury 1 tench 
an empty waste ; whilst on I-M. he- 
above and below the Gangway n just 
twelve men, peradrenture coni. ,,v.r m 
a boat to waylay JOMW VftOOf, who 
moved resolution < 
AttHCBfl policy of Fiscal Retalian 

As AJMOLD-Poafm said at morning 
. when advocating policy of maul- 

House with laughter. 

Prmoonninn of true dramatic in-tinct 
was shown in his selection of a seat. 
'sfc, still tarrying on the heidth- 
giving Ias of FolkeU,ne, won't In- 
Ix-tter till Thursday, when the two 
Fiscal debateb s.-t down for thi- we.-k 
will l ml done with. McmU-r 

for l.udlow takes right hn. gentleman'- 
oorner seat, and aa I i- with his 

peech makes no attempt to disguise 
tion that in the regretted absence 

IT sounds as if we were back in those 

days when good old t'\M Ih was King. 

A Hull paper states that Mr. I.t Kt 
\Viilii. M I', has given notice in the 
House of Common- that he will at an 
i-arly date call attention to the ei.. 
ineiit of the se-a on \;ui,,n- ]>arts of the 
British coast, and m<Ae a resolution. 


More Feline Amenities. 

I.AI'Y i.ff.-rit kin.l home to a nio 
kitten (not black) or female who will catch 

APRIL fi, 1905.] 












= u 





m vii. 
I it tn put up ii--u . 

tin- l >M l\l"l:l ' "till 


M of 

III ! I I'- 1 '"".* 

But uilli ii.'ini!.. 

had d -' l" 'li- 

lir hiul 
nuil- "ii whii ie\ itli 

I take l\illg d"Wll he 


If I i" ily W'.rd. l>nt I 

not cuodepcctxl ! i :i vulgar brawl with Bom in tin- 

I him straight i" tin- face, my che-t heaving 
with indignation, my eyes il i-!iing (naturally I couldn't see 

t, lull I've tin doll hi whatever that they iliil 
flash), and my teeth chair. -ring with righteous wrath. 
Anil M"\n was unahlc I" i 

"I aay, Miss AIC.INK." In- Mammere.1. " I I don't ipiitelike 
the look of this i iiniin' i 

think he ' quite safe, loose like this ? " 
' He waa as quietus possible only a minute or two ago," 
faltered I'm 

"He was busy tearing up tin- Pn >fi-s.sor' missal then." 
aid my Aunt. " Itut of cour-c. 1'imiis, if i/n con-idcr he 
ahoul(i U- given every facility fur further mischief, / have 
nothing to say." 

Mil- admitted reluctantly, "it mi-jilt lie 
to to keep him on chain in fir 

II,. .1 ~..n slip tlint." Kiiii MONTY; "monkeys are so 

artful. If 1 might -uggest, Miro A PEASE, / should put him 

in a cage. Then, don't von see supposing he'- really got 

" Y- yen," Kiil PIIVIJ is petulantly. " But you see, Mr. 

KM. we haven't ;/' 

" Hut. my dear." put in my Aunt. "\ve //,nv. He could 
luivc l;ir'n the very thing! I'll ring for Mv. 

and tell him to find it and hring it here." Which she did. 

(If cour-e I -aw at once that this would ahout liiff me. 
What earthly chance should I have to exhibit all mv 

I'lishmcnts then? Why, the Admindile ( 'innnov himself 
couldn't have g-.iined any reputation worth mentioning inside 
a '"kat)'s cage! I decidi-d tn "off" it while 1 ft mid 
lint MONTY was too smart for me. "Shut the wiml 
(|llii-k ! " lie vcll.-d and the; it In-fore I could di-ride 

which one to make for! 

" I'erhap- I 'd I !i hold of him," that ofTiciouH ass 

' KUggwted. "<*r he might through your Mutli r'- 
Iejp, ilon't you know, the minute the i- o|-nel." 

Mlh. >li> IK- careful, Mr. Ill i \H:II." my Aunt end 
" h<- might l'ii 

n not afraid of him ^i-hing t 

off befon- -till, I'll try niaxing. lir-t. IW little 

Chaj.pie, then." he U-gan. -n.ipping his fooli-h thiimli and 

,ie, "come along, good little mannie ! " 

I came along. I sliinn- nr's iawn-coloured waist- 

coat with a suddenneaa that tik hi- wind: I -n,. k..| hi- 
flabby obeeks ; I wrung his nose ; I boxed his ears; I hung 
on behind and helped myself to his hair hy the handful 

I 'm afnid 1 even ''if him ' Hut, after all, what '> the gil of 
a monkey imlex- you act up t it ? 

iiiiiplc of minute- 1 i;,n, ,.|il MO\I\ l>. 
And I don't think lie could hate cut a ivri/ heroic figure in 
I'lOi li"|.)-ed alxiut the it mm. howling. "Take 

Ili0 little devil off me, somebody, do !" lf>he'd had ; 

use of humour >he won). I h.i\e rnare<l Imt, 
I \\at- alile t" notice. -In' w.i, more alarmed than 
amiixil jii-l tin ii. 

thi- .-t.igc of the pr.-iiilini;-. Mvliw turned up with 
the lialh I tried to diilge pa-t him lint he 

>hiit the diir ju-t in time. S. I made a >pring for the 
mantelpiece. Aunt Sn.ixv rather goes in for old china, and 

ihei. :.'! pi. lie- and thing- up each side of the 

nalilel on hrackets, which made a ripping ladder. I 
nailer at climbing, and the cri 

ml M\i HOW in ehei-k for a while. 

I hey tell you nion' ' >hy I oiilv know / could. 

I up MVKOW with a l.ii ol (>|,1 SialTord-hire. which 
'it him ju-l under hi- >il\er watch chain, and I landed 
^ in the jaw with a well deli\ ered lii-tre milkp<'t. and 
i with an ("rhino plate on the -Inn all three i 
pretty -h ii il I'IIMII- and my Aunt had come within 

range i which they took jolly ginl care not to d" . I shouldn't 
have hurt either of them M"t ,.\eii my Aunt. I \\.i- not 
making war on women ! 

llowi-M-r. my anniiunitioii ran >hort at la-t. and. v 

p|pe<l "lit and returned with a long handled hr...m. 
I i.iiildn't hold the po-ilion again-i -u. h overwheh 
and should have to i|iiit. Si I made a llyin_ 

a i-ii/iW.' -tahle between the windows, where I found a fre-h 

!.\ of proji-ctiles chiefly 1 >re-dcn ware, if 1 renieinl-er 
right till I w a- forced up the curtain- and , 

the pole. MaODW jobbing al me with the lM-a-lly hrooin. 
M"\iv Im/./.iiig lx.k- alter me any one of which would 
have done my lm-ine-> if they hadn't gone through the 

will'! d. 

Then I t.>k a daring dive off the pole, on to my Aunt's 
Kick I was sorry, hut *he -houldn't have got in the wa\-- 
and lesipfnigged over her head on to the piano, which I 
defended a- long a< 1 could with the (lower - va.-es and 

Take it altogether, it was one of the very I 

had in my life, and under happier circumstance- I -1 Id 

have thoroughly enjoyed it. Hut the top of the piano 

d to the enemy's lire, so I retired into entrench- 
ments underneath, where they could only di-lodgc me liy a 
frontal attack. 

It made me that my Yoluntivr training 

had not Ixvii entirely thrown awa\ ! M v i...\\ advanced in 
force with the drawing-room long-., uliile M..\n dii' 

tions from a distance. I knew MM md 

if only I'd had half a sovereign in my |-ket. I heli. 
could have wpiarcd him. even then, hut I hadn't .-o much 

i"-ket ! A -in ilar iva-on prevented me Imm ! 
white handkerchief and proposing an honoiiralile surrender. 
And I had fallen into the common military mi-t ike of 
leaving my rear insufficiently protected. The con-e.|n. 
was that, with no warning whatever, a w.i-ie paper basket 
dapped down on me from hehind hy hands whirl. I 
recognised only t<xi well through the wicker-work I'm 
has rather jolly hands. I don't saj it \\a-u'i pluckv of her. 
for >he couldn't Innnr that nothing would ever indi. 
I'ite ht-r I -ill, it was not lh. 

And that *tn- .should turn again-t me vvas a knock-out hi 
After thnl there was nothing for it hut to ' 

husll.-d into ' , .iifoiinde. How 

I wished 1 could recover my spee<-h. i nt 

and then somehow, all at once, hack it came with a rush! 
i > making a great iniMii. !" 1 niai :ticulate, 

Ai-iai 5, 1905.] 



i|llile di.Minctly. "Telephone Malia-'-r F.mpilV c, -me 

diately. Important business proposal !" 

1 daresay they were slightly astonished -but I can't say. 
Because jn-t then my head began to swim, everything got 
dark i -uppose I must li;i\c i;nnc oil'. 


\Yheii 1 opened my e\cs. a strange man evidently the 
Eni] ..ire Manager was bending over me. " I want engage 

Cleverest Monkey in I "inverse, 
take a hundred a week to start 

men!.'' 1 said eagerly. 
Tremendous draw. Will 

"Coming round at last." he said to a young lady, who. 1 

saw. was nut 1', lieing in a nurse's iinil'urin. 

-nil wandering." 

1 found I was lying in lied 

ill the Aeeidi-nl Ward (if St. 
;e's Hospital, and the 
:;er was nut a Variety 

Manager merely the house- 

siirgeon. Also I was no longer 

a monkey which was beastly 

disappointing at first. 

It seemed that that cab 

accident had given me severe 

concussion of the brain, but 

1 had not lost my //'// only 

my consciousness fur several 

h -s. And, as it is obvious 

thai anything, even when Io>t. 

is bound to be ntnnciHn'1'i' or 

other all the time, my con- 
sciousness must have got 

mislaid for a while inside the' 

monkey . 

1 have been moved to my 
own rooms, and am told I 
shall be as right, as rain in 
another day or two. I am 

uell enough already to dictate 
my adventures to the trained 
nurse who looks after me 
and most awfully kind and 
attentive and all that she is, 
too, though she irill go off 
into lits of the giggles for no 

>ii that I can see ! 
Old Movn has called once 
or twice but, to tell you the 
truth, after what has passed 
between us, I haven't felt 
quite up to seeing him yet. 
As six in as 1 am fit enough 
and can raise the funds, I 
mean to go quite away and 



Iw War Olli- i..i-> tMRMd ;tn iilu-tr.ti.-<l volume of Dress Regula- 
tions. In roimt'ctioii wild tliis a fashion paper i-i abjut to \x.- M 
..liich we are able to give an extract 

Fui: many weeks our readers have been anxiously antici- 
pating our Spring Double Number of Fashions, and 
ai las) uearc able to gratify them. \Ve an- sun- that from 
the Senior Member of Council to the youngest recruit the 
verdict will be I he same ".lust what we wanted !" 

Owing to the generosity of the Government vreare enabled 

to present our readers with 
paper palterns. The first is 

no fewer than thr ..... -\cellent 
for a sweet little tunic, to In 
made up in the rich deep 
-hade of scarlet which has 
retained its place in our a flee 
dons for so long. 

Then next there is a sensi- 
ble blue serge overall, which 
will appeal tu our mure prac- 
tical readers. Severe 
plicity is the distinguishing 
note of this delightful little 
garment, which should be 
absolutely devoid of trimming. 
Then, lastly, we give the 
pattern of a charming me*-, 
jacket, with its cliir little 
buttons. After long consul- 
tation with the authorities it 
was decided to keep the old 
sleeve pattern, but our readers 
need not be afraid that they 
will look in the slightest 
degree dowdy in consequence 
the effect will be tout 


Yuniiij Hopeful (confidentially). "I SAY, ABE YOU coma TO THY ONE OK 

Visitor. "YES. WHY?" 

Young Hopeful. "TAKE MY ADVICE. DON'T!" 

lead an entirely new life. 

1 haven't decided yet. Canada, most likely 
Monte ( 'arlo. 

1 am not sure whether I shall have the courage to call and 
say good-bye to PHYLLIS and Aunt SELINA before I start. 
That drawing-room in Cadogan Gardens would be rather too 
full of painful reminiscences if you know what I mean. 

And, for another thing, I own I shirk hearing what became 
of the monkey. 

Now 1 look back on it, it seems curious that, with all my 
icoompliahmenta and knowledge of the world and so on, I 
should only have managed to land that monkey in a worse 
hat than I found him in. 

But I Ye always had the most rotten luck wherever I 've 
been and so I suppose the poor little beggar got let in for 
some of it ! F. A. 


But now that we can look 
forward to some days of sun- 
shine, we naturally turn our 
thoughts to the all-important 
subject of chapeau-x. And 
here we hasten to reassure 
our readers. The fashions 
for hats this season are all 
decidedly smart. A few days 
ngo we could not help noticing 
a young officer who was wear- 
ing a simple helmet-shaped 
chapeau of rich daffodil 
colour, surmounted by waving 
plumes in contrasted shades 
of red and white. The whole 
effect was delightfully spring-like. (Our readers will find an 
illustration of this charming idea on the next page.) The best 
shops are also showing some exceedingly tasteful hats in dead 
white, than which nothing can be more restful to the eye. 

Readers north of the Tweed must take special note of the 
fashionable sunray pleating effects which will be exclusively 
worn in all tartan materials. Gathers in this connection are 
absolutely prohibited. 

In conclusion we must add that our readers will find many 
valuable suggestions for the little et ceteras of dress belts, 
sashes, puttees, pugarees, &c. which add a distinguishing 
note to the costume of the mess-room beauty. 

Our Heathen Press. 

"Thanks for your verses on 'The Power of Hope.' Suitable only for 
a Christian paper. Good, however." Oldham Standard. 

" However " is good. 



an an 
i h on* 



...I to 1- I 
Itx j . (olloxt llll- III. ratixe II 

Tin 1 pn'- 

my i.r 

Kill you 'II take it I shine 

In my o\ l line. 

And enjoy -ueli a |>oniiiii of |.pnlar ! 
A no other writer now living claim. 

My bookx have an > ich is intenae 

-i I think 
And 1 oiiylii to ki 
i it must U> apparent to all men of -.-use 

.m and xvit they di-play is inirn. 

I 'in ma-t.-r of humour and path,.- and jest ; 
; en i- well knoxvn 

.harm all il- own. 

when I read anxon, el-.- I 'm impressed 
With the fact that I 'in always .so casilv I>e8t. 



nt ,.f ancient mines of |||,- yniirl 

.< I. ilc I Vernier u iLir ami 

I'lit. r. They arc dixided ml- U\.. I 
x.-lu .Im^' xvilli <ji.. 

Hi plan, ll i , f duru- 

1'ilitx .'I |-r-oii.d influence to have unearthed in d,,. twentieth 

itten iiiiilway in tin- nin.-t.viith m 
i'llaml. ;IIK| the Slesvijr-llolslcin I 

II through i: Hut ;,,-. llir l.ioyraphic.i! 
In tin- pill. lie. One deal- \\illi | x ,|(| r\-n.l.l:l vi.ll. v. 

public character is boldi.t. r-lial.ilitatttl ; tin- other \\itli i 
xvilli to \\liMin. taking Si XMI. i 

-till xoiilhful man of I, ,|,,M, ,| i 

'I'''" .nilii-ant that lln> , 

ivin | Mil icy marked an ep. ch in the 

l"~'- ill> attracted tin- si 

and . phii-al effort (.1 

of a Inter century who. in siicces-i,,!,. U-.-.MMC iVimc Mil 
L.r.l Sui-ni in. pn-cedini; 1,',-m 1:1 m il,.. 
H..I I.-- appreciative ..f 111. ,,| ,..i|.ar I man 

who. whilst n>.( knowing how i,, -,-t a squadron in ill,- ii,-|,|. 

it andxvor-lel N< The other w.-ek l.ud Hi. .11 

I'M u pleased tin- llon-c of CUM ,> |,\ |,, r ,|, 

'I:' 1 " declaring llial "ilicn- an-' n,> such ti 

itionalitie-." In ! ,, I',, i. | x , n | (I, ,.,r< i 

in an rlaUiralf |.a^xi^'i- ar^ii,- llii- s;in,, Tliir, 

t tiu- only | on \vliicli the lirilliaiil M.-mli, , 

luidi r.-M-iiil.lo tli,- |.,.id I; u. of hall aci-ntnry 

rlr.iil l.y Id, MV.AI. add- int.-r.--l I., 

I work. 

I 'f h,n;-* ', I..,,,,!.,,,. 

tB that it i- a little I,,.!, li^ht and 

handy, and priced at the comfortalile figure of one -hillini;. 
It ha.-, how, -\er. other and greater advantage- w hich slionld 
COmmeod it even to the mo-t jaded reader. It -parkl.-s 

'lli lm r. not of a frosty hut of a sunny kind, on , 

-tndy in happy irrelevancy nothing could well 

, j~ '"' neater. The little story develops verv .-implv. lint with a 

lluit the world holds its lir.-ath till my volumes api-ar. charm that makes it mo-t attractix-e. The \ I 

partly from the buoyancy of Mr. Mil M 

youiu,'. and extends a hearty welcome to thi- n.-vv and 
pronuaing re<-rnit to the little army of humours 

The pulilislu-rs wt-k me from far and from near, 

And eagerly vii- 

With each other to lnix ; 
And (H-rhaps it xxill hardly surprise vou to hear 

Tl.... .1. . -1 I 1 I I 1 .1 .! 1 

And what is the guerdon of talents HO ran- '/ 

I welcome a h 
< f cluH(iies at each 

I >o the guinea- How in. a- would only I H - fair, 
Till I 'm alilt- to wrile myself down millionaire ? 

fexv are my taking-, and -anty my l*r.l. 

Mediocrity may 

Make it- thoiis;in,|s a day ; 
Hut p-nins like mine cannot ^athi-r a hoard 
Tis ever iU own and its onlv n-xvard. 

Blob* in the 'Scutcheon. 

IK the l.'acc mi Saturday had not proved that at lea-t one 
f the I- --I en,.iii;h to xxin. one xvonld li,--iiate to 

|-arai{inKol.s < -r\aii"8 pawed on their practice 
>v tl ,/,/ I,,,l,-i*;,,l<;il : 

TWe will, of courw, be nee, but il c*iwot be nurki-l bv muc-li 
ciraufic dispUr on either Me. The (other play liu bwn no much 
oondrniiK. ait.1 the number of 'duck 1 , egg* ' give* the prmctJce a 

THE German nation (nays the Kjuan) u the Salt of th.- 
Earth. Dun one ask who in th.-'J'. -pj . 

Keaders.are xxarn.-d not t,, repair I.. Tl,,- /'. , *.,/ .s>,.,- (/ ( 
Hi,' Upper II Mil TNXXIN) j,, Hwin-li of lit-l.,- 

modern date. Mr. Koeiio WILKIXHOX has, rail. . i t,, 

write a weighty history of the origin and <-.m-,-r of th.-'ll 
'- !.' . enl evi i.t- and modern p.-i 

to In- more precise, are 
alludiil to in a concluding 11 IK 
i-hajiti-r. This is a departure 
from ordinary usa^r that till- a 
H'K'inniiiK \vilh the posi- 

lion of tin- Har.ins in th.- 
of King .lonv. Mr. \ViiM\-,,\ 
suiiiiuarises history up to the 
ap|K-arance on the scene ,,f the 
late Lord Sxi i-iu nv. My Rinm- 
ite do-.- not (in.l it , 

wherein it rcsemlii- 
majority of the sitting- of the 

.it the present d.iv. 



ion AMI HxHiiini Smin-Mxv Fox* PraUrea \il. 

Ai'nii. 12, 1905.] 




ATTEMPTS are being nun If in refute the 
statement that the reason why the 
K\i>i:it delayed his landing at Tangier 
was that the Salt of the Sea had heen 
disagreeing with the Salt of the Karth. 

The ramming of the I'riin-i' di'my by 
the l-'r'n-ilnrli k'nrl at < iibraltar is now 
underMood to have heen intended by 
the K.MSKit as a set-off to the pr> 
juiielion between the French and British 


The destroyer >>'/;//<'/'/ ran down and 
sank tin 1 ketch I'ln-inxn on Wednesday. 
It is not known what the I'm-iosa had 
done Id annoy her. 

It is again rumoured that kilts are to 
be abolished in the Army. This, we 
suppose, is part and parcel of the 
movement recently initiated against 
petticoat influence. 

A library is to be formed for the use 
of Members of Parliament. It is felt 
that the debates will be robbed of much 
of their terror if the non-speakers have 
entertaining books to read. Indeed, it 
will be a nice question later on whether 
complete silence shall not be enjoined, 
as in most reading-rooms. Out of small 
beginnings great reforms often spring. 

" Women are the mothers of our 
children," declared a Member in the 
course of the debate on Women Coun- 
cillors. "And nowadays seldom that," 
was the comment of an Irish gentleman. 

Over four thousand n:en, women, 
and children of the revolted llerero,-, 
Irihe have heen raptured and placed in 
Concentration Camps liy the (iermans. 

It will he remembered how much the 

(iermans admired such camps in the 
1' War. 

"Cantab.'' writes to us to point out 
that, while much has been made of the 
fact that Oxford beat Cambridge last 
week, few have noticed that Cambridge 
heat tln> Press boat. 

All, we feel sure, will sympathise 
with the Prince of WALES in a cruel 
blow which has just fallen on him. The 
Hastings Corporation has decided that 
it cannot afford to invite His Royal 
Highness to open the new Waterworks 
in the summer. 

To judge by the following notice in 
It. A 1:1:1. AND Si INS' window at the Oval, 
the Cricket Seasoning has begun : 
" Cricketers should select their Bats 
early, and be kept in oil by us to be 


He (relating a thrilling cfjterience). " IF I HADN'T SKIPPED TO ONE SIDE, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN 


According to an article in the Daily 
Telegraph on former representations of 
Hamlet, JACK MATTHEWS, who introduced 
his faithful hound to bay at the moon 
from the battlements of Elsinore, and to 
throttle the King in the last Act, was 
proud of the distinction of being the 
only Dog Hamlet. Yet surely the play 
has seldom been acted without the 
assistance of a great Dane. 

In a discussion which is raging in the 
columns of the Express on the question 
"Why is Married Life Dull?" a wife, 
in denying the impeachment, declares 
that she rushes to the door the moment 

her husband rings, kisses his nose, and 
takes his boots off. This last strikes us 
as a very necessary precaution. Most 
self-respecting men would kick against 
being kissed on the nose. 

Another paradox ! Six shillings is to 
be charged for Miss MARIE CORELLI'S 
Free Opinions. 

A purse containing 3 12a. Id. was 
stolen last week in the Belfast Police 
Court, when two magistrates, twenty- 
five policemen, and six solicitors were 
present, and it is difficult to know 
whom to suspect. 

VOL. C.\.\UI1. 


.Ami. 1L'. 1905. 


[The author Ufcra the poetic Ucrnoe of prwrm.n; ihr Literal Tarty 
in the Howe ualer UM guiee of bmtfe 6urr ] 

HUM to sing die lady's "atat. 
Hrcaim- she has DO BtAlrly gncv t. -.:,_ 

1 (..Mining 111 lii-r f 
II, .Hung an such tin: . 

nt fur >iiw redwming tr.nt 
In what was oocv a <|i. '. 

Mid. -if all her old displ 
~.lit;iry charm of Myle or fititun-. 

. \\.i-. her manners liail a genial hue, 
llf .i.iirtly wit sin- mi: 'h ; 

iTM' the I"-- can do 

she scrams. "(<> lln^lii- ..'//i ' 

M\ -:,- .( liiiiniiur may lie something flat. 

iinl n.irr 

Leave* DM a liltlr chilly m the lu.iiTuW. 

was, to duU olMCurity resigned. 

d pot permit herself to bark <ir : 
(Accomplishments in which the IKUMT kind 

Dog*, priiu-i|>ally take a course delight . 
Modest in triumph, toward the ./ 

She'd move with dignity, nut dash to pluck it. 
nock the rival fair with raucous cries : 
V.i. 1 .' \ 'i re no earthly use; why can't you chuck 

She bore adver.-ity with i-atient hide. 

Looking to mend what errors lay within ; 
When Fortune turned, she showed the losing side 

h grace as they can well afford who win ; 
" I'rigs' doctrine," was it? Thru I 'in prig enough 

hold that little eke is worth the hoi-ding 
1 i dess you prove yourself of decent stuff 
In these the elementary teats of breeding. 

All that is changed ! Her charm of long ago, 
Her pleasant courtesies, are out of date ; 

HIT wit. the once Horutian. fulls below 

The licensed badinage of Billingsgate ; 
For there no fishwife, though her lungs were large 

And her vocabulary broad and shady, 
Would count it comme il fmit to bring a charge 

( >f fisli'inrtf against another lady. 

Well, Heaven be praised ! she soon must have her hour 

Of useful discipline, and learn, no doubt, 
Hv tough experience how a taste of power 

Is apt to find a party's weakness out ; 
Pride's purge will act upon her better sense ; 

I hope to sec her cured by that upheaval 
Return in opposition, two years hence, 

With manners less deplorably primeval. < > ^ 

\ NEW PEUL. Fresh legal snares await us at every turn. 
"At the Swansea Police Court" (says the Cambn,t' 1 tally 
Isafim " WM. FVUMOJUBE was summoned for not having a 
bull over twelve months old under proper control." This 
might have happened to almost anyone ; so few of us have 
erer possessed a bull over twelve months old, whether under 
control or not Readers of I'unch are warned to provide 
themselves immediately with thin tine quo non. 

Kaon A HKIIIIS I'vmi. "As usual when the Imperial 
Family visits the theatre, the corridors and auditorium were 
sprayed with lilac-blossom scent." Is this for fear that some 
of " the salt of the earth " might have lost its savour? 


[ The calami eelfuhnew of run often stagger* me ; but I m still 
more UftHrmi by woman'* often apparently contented endurance of 


MAHV laid down licr fashion jirint and looked across at imv 

"Th' -..lid, " I lici|- you 'n- ailiaiinil of ymir.M-lf ." 

"I am," 1 told IHT. " The f.iir journalist has dix-ovrred tin- 
trutli at la>t. < ur lelfiatUMH i.s himiily ini'nilihle." 

M -,].\ -.fiiii-d i!i;%i|.|iiiit<'il that 1 acknowleilgexi it so readily. 

( lli. lint " KM U-xan. 

' Wi-..i!i't hel| it. I cxplaiiie.l "It han ,il\\a\-i U-cn -,. 
Why. li>ik at AIUM a^ a Mart. Then- was KVK \vitli a niv 
apple t" eat. and AIUM must come iKitlierin^ round for 
a I'H. 

11 Well," -aid MvM. hi-itatinxlv. "I think," hhe - 
"that we'll leave ..lit Al'VM. It's Knglisliliien of tin- 
present day that are meant. " 

,';llt.--.i' Their M-lf^hlli-SH is iliiletil ilis^'ii-ting. (l||. 
_.ive you scon 

( ii\c' me Mime, then." 

" Well, there's the .-a*.- of Hid-ws. lie luus a inaKiiilicent 
phtcc- in Herefordshire, and a palac.- in 1'ark Lui.-. His wife 
In-fore lie inarriiil her was a govcrnesH in Hrixton 
though he must know that all her family ties are in l!n> 
the miserable man forces lier to lixe in Park Lim- .-imply 
becanse he j.p-fiTs it liims.'!' . it suits his own 

\eiiienee. 1 low the p. . .r patient woman can endure it < 
tetitedly I don't know. And. mark you, tin- 
case. That sort of thinj,'. if you will Itelieve me, is going on 
.ill over the country. It is pn-itively loathsome." 

" I don't think " U-an MARY. 

"Then there's JoNES. He -laves morning, im,,n and night 

. e his wife a good dress all. \ndwhy? M. 

for his OXMI seltish ends, lieciiuse, forsooth, he likc>s to - 
well dressed woman about the house. The intolerable cad ! ' 

-Oh!" id Mun. 

"Yes," I said, "how you women can endure tin- 
way in which man insists on paying for everything I cannot 

"I don't think the writer was referring to that altogether," 
MARY said, doubtfully. 

" Perhaps not. 1 think she mu>t have U-en thinking of 
people like SMITH. Ah ! he was a selfish brute, if ever there 
was one." 


"Didn't you ever hear of him? He was a young chap. 
just married, earning a pretty decent salary. He rde and 
shot extremely well, and when the war broke out he thought 
he ought to volunteer. Just imagine ' lie never i 
his wife at alL Like all men. he only considered his own 
convenience, and it occurred to him that he might have 
rather a sporting time in South Africa. Si he went. 1'gh ' 
The seltish hound! Shall I goon and tell \.ni the r. 
of his disgraceful conduct?" 

" Please," said M.UIY, gently. 

Well, the careless ruffian got the V.C. He led some 
desperate charge and got wounded a dozen times over. There, 
again, you see, he thought only of himself, though incident- 
ally his wife shared the honour and glory. Hut -,upp 
he had got killed ! And, anyhow, think of the doubt- 
fears which hhe had to endure all those month-. ll<>u 
brave women stand it ... And SMITH is only one out ol 
many. Think of the hundreds of thousands of Mild. 
sailors, firemen, and policemen who are always ready to ri-k 
their lives, and never stop to consider their families. Does 
r say to himself: '1 might get drowned, and 
then where would my wife be? Hadn't I better Ixvome a post- 
man before it s too late ?' No. His dialxilical selfishness -- 

MART threw her ladies' paper across the room. 







o r 


CO c 2 

O H ^ 

. OB w 



! g 02 

i M 

a P* 

M X, (- 1 . 

B r^ 2 

o n 


> O 

^ O 





APRIL 12, 1905.] 






[" Dress demands brains ; more, I boldly assert, it demands 
education. A course of literature, taken very seriously, will prove 
of more value afterwards than most women would believe." Society 

WHKX first my dearest DELIA faltered "Yes," 
And put a period to my years of pleading, 

I thought to temper down her taste in dress 
liy raising in her soul a taste for reading. 

As one who deems his plan holds naught amiss, 

I entered lightly on the undertaking ; 
LV-iiilt : for her, delirious dreams of bliss, 

For me, a rude pecuniary waking. 

I bought her books, she read them, and displayed 

Forthwith the spirit literature rouses 
l!y a kaleidoscopic masquerade 

Of skirts and coats and picture hats and blouses. 

Each tome brought some new tlirill ; heir tender heart 
Was in its beat a thousand times arrested ; 

And every single time she dressed the part 
The author's most insistent mood suggested. 

Green serge reflected SWINBURNE'S sea-tossed lines ; 

Asbestos, Lucifer's Corellian sorrow ; 
JOIQJ STUART MILL brought Liberty designs 

Embroidered with Lent lilies (due to BORROW). 

ELIA gave lamb's wool ; BAOON, porpoise hide ; 

Beauchamps Career, some guinea WORTH confection ; 
The Light that Failed meant black, and this was dyed, 

And made anew for TOLSTOI'S Resurrection. 

Thoughts of the day of reckoning left me pale, 
But yet I lacked the firmness to disparage, 

Till Double Harness brought a bridal veil, 

And sackcloth came from William Ashe's Marriage ! 

That roused me. Bills for dress and bills for books 
Having attained dimensions past defining, 

I stated plainly that my cloudy looks 
Were unsupported by a golden lining. 

'Tvvas useless. Funds are low ; my credit's dead, 
Or nearly ; now, with imminence appalling 

The sword of fate hangs quivering overhead, 
And one thing only can prevent its falling. 

The world would liaply look askance, or smile, 
But my financial prospects might grow wider 

If DELIA would, by favour of CARLYLE, 

Study Professor TEUFELSDROCKH'S Die Kleider. 

TRAFFIC IN WHITE RELATIONS. " London marked plates 
required, complete set. Exchange grandfather, or cash." 
Exchange and Mart. 



[Araii. 12. 1005. 

Kvrat now and then probably lest we might !* tempted 

1 a view of thing* in general a >u; 
-* steps ..r.inl 1. 1 announce that some parti, ular 
ii. which few people were aware wa* even iml. 

an advanced stage of -i- 
-tforeries in aj 

*f his pott-mortrm will \-arj- according to 

It may Ix- HIT Ar 


In- can . 
-If i as h- i i||'il!.'ii ha> already 

ips how. :' -r his morbid 

pathology i- Hnt.-!i ilimi'.nr. Its i|>!.' condition 
occasion* Inn at concern ; IIP has sought anxiously 

tlie faintest sign of vitality in its <-i- . nu l.ut 

he can find none. It is an unmistakable corpse, :unl tin' 
melancholy duty devolves on him as Chief Mourner ! n.\n.- 

I'nmains to attend the oltsequies, nml 
him prooounce what a journalist with the blessings . 
ilisskil training has so h:i]>|>ily termed t 
l.y the grave-si 

Mi- usually issues the invitation, with the text f his funeral 
discourse, through gome le.i 1. ami achieves a 

sombre distinction in consequence. Ami. should the Season 

happen to be as dead as the deceased he is lan,.-i 
his article may elicit quite a spirited, if irrelevant, a 
spondence from writers most of whom prefer, with I 
reason, to remain pseudonym 

y is thr (ioxl Old British Humour fur which the 
Superior Person is so inconsolable dead, but it lias left nu 
successor. Our Dismal Jemmy has tried to come across a 
single living British Humourist who can satisfy him that he 
has a legitimate claim to the title. He has tried in vain. 
The rightful heir if he exists at all persists in lying /vr</n, 
disregarding all promises that, if he will only communicate 
with the advertiser, he will hear of something greatly to his 

Of course there are a few misguided persons who, believing 
or representing themselves to be at least distant connections 
of the IVparted, mill go on attempting to amuse the public. 
But they cannot take in the Superior Person - he km .xvs 
them for the impostors they are. Hi- includes them all under 
one crushing category "Funny Men." Not that he would 
allow that they are even funny. If they rrr, lie might 
forgive the offence on condition of course that they did 
not repeat it. 

Hut not only is tin-re no Humour left but no Fun. no 
Wit. no ^iatire. no Kpigram not even a Joke that, with all 
his tolerance. In- can bring himself to recognise as such. 
Dismal Jemmy tells these incumpetent and crestfallen 
jesters that, with all their effort*, they only succeed in 
depressing him. S> he never reads a single line of any of 
them : he tells them this, rather with sorrow than with anger 

he lias a deep sense of the pity of it. 

Still, he sorrows not so much on their account, or his own. 
As a Philosopher, be can worry along very well without such 
a mere luxury as laughter. It is the common folk who have 
his chief sympathy the |-..r |.-..pK who would all be so 
gay and liglithenrtcd. if only some genius would arise ami 
give them something to grin at. Hut no genius ever does 
and the world has to go on in grey monotony, yearning with 
longings unspeakable for a really good giggle, ami doomed 
to yearn on in ever-lessening hope. 

Dismal Jemmy does not conceal his impression that the 
Golden Age of Genuine Fun will nut return jus: 

in his lifetime. From his 1'isgah height, he 
canii the faintest indications of any Promiwj 

i tin" ing with real Wit ami Humour, and he has hut 

faint hojH- of ever reaching it himself. But he knows it must 

new here in tlie distamv, and the km.xx ledge renders all 

i ami chemically prepared sulistiliites for it> natural 

pnxlucts all the lexs likely to agree with him. 

me of us manufacturers of these j>oor makeshifts 

I gladly endeavour t.i tickle his palate, if he would only 
shoxx ii- how. only indicate some famous braml a- .1 -tai 
which we might strive I ..); ] .1. h. The difficulty is to fOM 
out ilar kind of Humour that Dismal .lemmy red! 
dt>ft enjoy. \Ve know it cannot he that of either I 

TII \i KI 1:0, It-cause he h.i^ long ago condemned the one as 
farcical Caricaturist, ami the other a-, a Sentimentalist in the 

' of a Cynic. No. it would IK- of no use trying to i 

it her of iht'm. Then, how about SMoijjrrr or 
Fir.U'iM;? Isn't it just |xwsil>le that their humour max strike 
him as a little wanting in refinement? < >r should 
indeed some of us do revert to the method- of a still earlier 
Humourist, the immortal Mr. .h.smi MM mi? Hut there 

:i. we cannot he ii/iWufr/i/ certain that the won 
that master have produced anything approaching a l>-ure in 

lies of 1'i.Miial .lemmy. 
The truth is that 

Humour he i/ci-x want all he knows is that In- hasn't - 
II.- is convinced that Humour is der.-iy.-d, but if he 
pressed h' couldn't (or at all events hi- ilm-mi'i' joint 

I at which In- could conscientiously pronounce ,t any- 
thing less than over ripe. The Humour he is really craving 
for whether he is axvare of the fact or n>.| i- something 
entirely ideal, essentially different from all that has | n-viousfl 
e\i>t.-d a joke that none has seen on sea or land, a j.i; 
-ueh supernatural brilliance, such irresistible originality, 

i even from a Dismal Jemmy the reward of a xx.m -mile. 

Those of us who have not yet discovered that t 1 
Lewis CABROLL was merely an over-rated writer of tedious 
nonsense are tempted to apply our lx<lo< n-mark 

to the Gnat in the Looking-Glass railway carri.i^. " If 
you 're so anxious to have a joke made, why don't you make 
one yourself?" 

But Dismal Jemmy, besides considering such a reton 
a poor attempt at humour, would IK- struck by its utter un- 
reasonableness as addressed to himself. \Vh\ e\pe<-t Ii 
make jokes? Is he a professional Humourist that he si 
do this thing? He is far better employed, high up on his 
watch-tower, scanning the hori/on, lik. ln>-. for 

sign of a rescuer from the liliirlii-nrii Ihiliii-xs, and. like that 
young lady. ]K-rceiving nothing as yet but a cloud of d,. 
a BOW of foolish sh' 

However, though he has no word of comfort for u-. v..- may 
have some consolation for li'un. He may not l>clicxc it but, 
if those overdue Humourists ever n< r:- to put in an ap|>ear- 
ance, Dismal .lemmy would not IK- nearly so delighted . 
imagines. Probably he would not allow them to deliver him 
at all ; he would only call them " tl.- Humour 

and tell them to go away. 

But if he had to admit them, would he IK- any. the h 
Would they not deprive him of that priceless possess ion 
his grievance against the age he lives in to sax notln: 
the soothing sense of his own superiority ? 

And there is another possibility, so awful that there seems 
lain impiety in the xerx on. 

But suppose of course it i^ highly improbable, but only 
suppose- that, whenever the Future Humourist r.-ally 
arrive, he should make the tirst genuine joke at t! 
of Ilismal .lemmy ! 

Then perhaps even the present lamentable condii 
thingH might cm;.- .ifter all, the 

tloldcn Age for Dismal .Icm: F. A. 

APRIL 12, 1905.] 




[The heroes of serial stories at present run- 
ning in the N/mnr/ and 1'ull Mull Magazine! 
re, reHjjortivcIy, ;i bushranger and a burglar. 
Tin- llrni nf KoiiKinre comments upon liis 

f.lllfll CStllll'.) 

WIIKX Coi.Kniixii: sang Chrittabd, 
And l!vi:ox wrote Cliilile Harold, 

\ finely wrought romantic spell 
.My infant limbs apparelled; 

mi pap of parlous hap, 
In bulky volumes written, 
Cleaning a lot from WAI.TKK StX)TT, 
And later on from LYTTON. 

1 learned the laws of fence and fan, 
I if pointed toes and phrases ; 

1 laid my villain, like a man, 
His length among the daisies ; 

With faultless prose and (Ireeiau nose, 
Whate'er (hey bade me touch on, 

I always won, and bore an un- 
impeachable escutcheon. 

And now ' 'tis gone, the godlike speech, 

The braided robe's in tatters, 
The ancient bloom is off the peach, 

And nothing really matters ; 
I shall not wave much more the glaive, 

Nor stride on Scottish heather, 
I 'in getting nigh the end of my 

Aristocratic tether. 

For oh ! the knack of derring-do 

Has suffered strange contortions, 
When strolling down the Strand or 

Pall Mall, in monthly portions 
I've sunk (who erst would lightly worst 

A squadron of bushrangers) 
To cracking cribs myself for dibs, 

And robbing helpless strangers. 

And what 's the end? Why, plain enough; 

Although the prospect harrows, 
They '11 dress me in a suit of buff, 

With regulation arrows ; 
For since I fight no more for Right 

(And as for scruples choke 'em), 
The novelist who 's short of grist 

Will paint me picking oakum. 

I Ve taken up the villain's cue 

And steeped myself in felonies 
By letting out my honour to 

A Magazine's miscellanies ; 
But ye who read (ere Fame was dead, 

And glory fell to zero) 
The deeds sublime that graced my prune, 

Bemoan a fallen Hero ! 

IN Helensburgh, feeling runs high on 
the subject of the top-dressing of foot- 
paths. House-proprietors are allowed 
to choose their own material, and the 
result is a patch-work of colours. The 
Helensburyh News, very sensibly sub- 
mitting under protest to the finality of 
tin 1 Town Council's decision, sums up 
the matter in the following memorable 
words : "JOSEPH'S coat and the Helens- 



" Is HE A PAINTER ? " 


burgh footpaths have clasped hands, 
and there is nothing for it now but to 
receive the mutual embrace with sound- 
ness of mind." 


(Dedicated icith respect but without pcrmix>u>i 
to the Chancellor of the Exchequer.) 

THE troot that loups in Tweed sae cool, 

The saumon in the Spey, 
The very puddocks in the pool 

Nae watter-rates pay they. 

The swallow bigs his kirk-spire nest, 

Flits oot an' in a' day 
He pays nae teind ; forbye he 'a blest, 

Exempt from Schedule A. 

Tod-lourie scoors amang the hills, 

Kills maukins ilka day ; 
His rocky den wi' pheesants fill'd 

Nae game-tax does he pay. 

The laverock liltiu' i' the lift, 

The lintie in the glen, 
Their melodie is God's ain gift 

Nae copyricht they ken. 

It 's juist when ye come doun to man 
The law at aince less lax is 

Whate'er your sex, your kirk, your 

Ye aye maun pay your taxea. 

Brief bags. 



[Ami. 12, 1905. 


nU-r advantage than in r - the f.-nit?*- 

.11 any ].M e made : 

pportunities afforded tier. (liven tlie natural light- 
hearted ness tliat has Uvn .-K.iid.-d l,y <.ne incidenl <; 
1,,,|\ i ,i U-tter interpretation of the diameter than 

JJlM .In ' . rt it wi'iil'l not ! very easy to ima_ 
while to liml a mure Ix-autiful representative nf tlie \\ ii. 

. li wmilil In- iin|'--il'l- Fort 
author who can command t: -ncli a hei 

?lay may le as unsatisfactory a piive of work a- 
'imiH'rnrl, but witli MI splendid a |*Tsonality a- tl 
.lll.u N"Kll>oS. and Inu-ked liy the popularity of Mr and 

!iat HHKlit have IHNMI. in other hands, a failure, 
iv in thri: ' siicoeW. 

/ Klnhfiifij. li ' Pimpernel 1 

Mr Fl:.f adniiralile. He to play at ]>la\. 

part ; to pretend lie i-. merely an inane fop ami court j. 
while he is the head-centre of a determined hand, the 
l.ut honiM leadi-r of a .-et of nol.le . 

iheirown li\-s in the service of such French. 

( y lie al'li- to aid in escaping fnun the lilo-nltl 

iiider the Kei^'n of Terror in Krai 
gaiety. In-- frolicstime i liis sudden cl, 

16 seriousness of pnr|in'. the coiillict U-i 
.ion of his wife and his true love for her. are all finely 
shown. < 'lie word of praise to the author for the admu 
fmi>h of the So -olid Act, a surprise well led up to, which 
hrin^'s down the curtain to enthusiastic and well 

And tn the success of the piive Mr. HHIIVK II": 
'Vidiirc/iii, the French cn\o\, contriliutes in a marked d 
In form, and occasionally in feature. Mr. HO|;I.- rival. 
gome of u.s with memories. " little K'..n-.\ a- I ' miutr- 
Plot un<l /'.I>.M'.HI. It may U- doiilite<l whether a In 
compliment could !* paid to him. 

Mr. KII;K HMMIIM. givi-s a very llatterinx portraiture of 
the Prince of \\'ale, "afterwards '.'("// tin' l-'ni-il. < '"iild 
TMM KKKVV'S "royal inventor of a Khoe-hnckle," that n 
of PlTT and Fox, "to whom nothing was of much e< i 
save the button of a w ' fora iartri. 

n . MMI'oSSiW.I 

.,1 by the *" 

i >r 
lir.-.iin- a thinkers t.i the i. 

y n .i .11 other- fair, 

propaganda with 1'nui and AM\- 

i . s |.; r w g,, .M 

( >n minor themes like Ami \ >\ i-^vtion ; 

i eiifriincbJwd lier, 

!>, '"ff 

- 1 of Manchwt. 

: we can fancy Mr TOMMS-' vote 
Thu* veerin. 

wears a - 

,,-, t l, m k ' him in." 

( >r Mr SMIIII'- oration <luly in:. 

Haply wiine fair con-titucnt would an- 
You may be sound on Temperance and Trade. 

Hut oh! you 're an abominable dancer!") - 

Still if our Government aspires to do 

A deed of note l,efoiv the Dissolution. 
And someone could IK.- foin, tliruugh 

So cardinal a change of ' ". 

It might not help us much to gain the gud, 

: goal it is, for which we're fighting, 
But am : dd produce a poll 

More" open, and immensely more exciting ! 

Monday April 3, at tlie New Theatre, The Scarlet honour with his ghostly , resence this perform 
Pimpernel a Romantic Comedy, which owes its great popu- his shady Royal Highness would be highly gratified by 
laritv to the finished acting of Mr. and Mrs. FRED TERRT (Miss Mr. HUM.IN., I impersonation. 

Jim NF.ILSOX) and their well-chosen company, reached its Where there are so many concerned, for it is a ver> full 
hundredth representation The crowded house rose to the cast, and all from greatest to least gr 1 support I 

' r, overwhelming applause kept the curtain rising and the piece, it is difficult to particularise, but among t 

with the mercurial veWity of a weather-gauge, or > must be mentioned the >'rriini<- i/c Journal M vuv 

shares in the Kaflir nuirket. The happy principals bowed \ MACKKS/.IK, who, having to look pretty and act prettily 
and amiled and smiled and bowed, again and again, as j both naturally enough, and havi 


they gracefully returned thanks, in dumb-show, for the 
appreciative patronage of their " friends in front." 

Then were also occasional cries for the author, which would 

and to give evidence of her imperf.vt acquaintance with 
English by her foreign pronunciation does this so well that 
she might'be indeed a jetine demoiselle fresh from 

have been more decided liad the audience been able to master school, " timple eomme ban jour.' 
the correct pronunciation of the unfamiliar name of "ORCZT- Mr. WALTER EDWIN gives us a dignified rendering of the 
BARSTOW. I IARSTOW " could have been confidently French imigrie Comtette d, : two \, r y smal; 

shouted: was a twister, t >f course there were important "characters" as part of the pict ure tally Jelly- 

demands for "Speech, speech," with which, if either Mr. FRED band and Mere Brogardtav artistically made up and ] 
I . v j ,'.-..: v li KATHLCED Don i ai i M--- MM::<.S Sn in IN... 

the Pimpernel had closed ita brilliant j*-tals. For this speci- Mr. KISM.-I K. Ivix.x is very good as Mr. lie,,,. 
men of Anagatti* arwnu belongs to "a series of flowers old count n-man, who isperpetually attempting., 
that cloae each at a certain hour," and the closing time Scripture and only once m tini.-hing his sentence, 

for this particular one ia regularly eleven at night. Soon, 
however, as far as London is concerned, it is to U- cl.^ for 
a long time, and will be tranaplai 
Provinces, where it will flourish pt 
back to town when there is a place vacant for its reception. 

hat it should have to U- disturU'd, sinii- this 7'im/.. 
or "Shepherd's Weather-ghwa," aa it is popularly termed, has 
reached the mark of "set 
Except aa Nell Gwyn, Miss JCI.IA N g.pearei 


Mr. Al.KRKI Kl.M-l:ii K is careful and ear of the 

chief conspirators, and Mr. MALCOLM CIHIIHV is ; 

to the fresh air of the gentleman aa one would wish to s.v as the representative of 
T and be brought the manly Isird Anthony I>eifhiirnt. 

All good, and, as we suppose, all o(T to the l'i >\ inces. where 
good luck go with them, /'im/* //./ leave-, the flower is 
en route. 

Next week we hope to ha\e something to -ay con<-erning 

APRIL 12, 1905.] 



>-_ I 



Hostess (to Distiitguialted Foreigner). "I no HOPE YOU WON'T FIXD IT DULL HERE." 


two notable events in tlie theatrical world, the successful 
imlt't of H. B. IRVING at the Adelphi, and the welcome re- 
ippearance of ELI.EN TEHRY at the Duke of York's Theatre. 


(For Women.) 

["A law has just been passed in Wisconsin providing that every 
wilful' bachelor shall be taxed. . . . The only unmarried males to 
escape the tax are those who can satisfactorily prove that they have 
done their best to get married, and failed." Manchester Guardian.] 

BIDDY O'BRIDE was a poor old maid, 
Hawker of apples and nuts by trade, 
Wrinkled, crinkled, far from young, 
Short in the temper and long in the tongue. 
All steered clear of the sharp old shrew, 
And poorer and poorer still she grew, 
Till she scarce had victuals from day to day, 
Nor a fill of twist for her old black clay. 

One night she heard in the " Shamrock Inn " 

< >f the last thing in taxes from Wisconsin : 

Wilful bachelors who declined 

To marry a girl must all be fined ; 

The only way to escape scot-free 

Was to show a certificate : " I, A. B., 

Have offered to marry a maid, C. D., 

Who has this day rejected me." 

" Bedad," thought BIDDY, " 'tis me will win 

A beautiful living in Wisconsin ! 

If a man can show he has bin an' axed 

Ould BIDDY O'BRIDE, he can go ontaxed." 

So she bade the Emerald Isle adieu 

To seek fresh woods and pastures new, 

And a month scarce passed ere her name was made 

In, the offer-of-marriage-refusing trade. 

BIDDY O'BRIDE is poor no more ; 
Crowds of suitors seek her door 
Fair men, dark men, short men, long men, 
Fat men, thin men, weak men, strong men, 
Men of the highest social rank, 
With cosy balances at the bank 
'In short, in the matter of suitors," says BIDDY, 
" I beat Penelope, the fair grass widdy." 
At times her feelings are sorely wrung : 
When wooers are specially nice and young, 
Fain would she deal a cruel blow 
By whispering "Yes," instead of "No." 
But faster and faster the fees flow in 
From the bachelor clients of Wisconsin, 
And somehow dollars possess the art 
Of healing the wounds in a human heart - 
So she sits in her office, resigned and more, 
Declining proposals from ten to four. 

THE Aston Villa directors have decided that, on the occasion 
of the final, the players' wives shall be taken to the Crystal 
Palace. There is practical wisdom in this arrangement. 
Their opponents' halves may be good, but they will be no 
match for the Villa's better halves. 


[AraiL IL>. 1905. 



Jiout GamlUr. " Fort TO OXE U BLOWKO 
MT MoT." 

/UJtmal^r. "TELL TOC WHAT 

TO orr wmrrmx' OCT o' TIUT ! " 



an attack of preferential tisralitis. The 
malady remained in abeyance fur some 
nit :iftT sonic month s Mr. K had 
hirh time there 

iiiinii.. ^.[H-ar in rapid succeesioaj 

-.nalities, tin- last one, 

which occurred just two years after Uw 

taking tin- form of absolute iu- 
,|i(Tei. ,'iilic opinion, lit- under- 

nothing, ami nt times apparently 
n mill not fvi-ii luiir what wa-s tvii'l to 
liim )>y his sul>or<linat8. 

Tin- iHTHonalitiee maiiifeeto'l th.-in- 

.is fullim - 

(1) May, 11XI.1 Ai-ut,- inl.M. 
('iilniiial |iriMliu-ts ami a loathi: 
jam ami i-ii'kli-. KI-] ' ;ng at 

; ls, " < ;<xxl oil 

Alxnit a month later. A simple 
chilil, nnahle to reail the H.-\\-I..I|-T.-. l>ut 
with a i'a>-ion f,.r golf anil n. 

.Inly. 1'.' il h.-alth <h-- 

teriorateil. He i-ouhl ii"\v l>tl. 
ami write, ami (i>iu|>o*<il two mutually 

-lietory ilociiment-. one T.r private 
ami tin- other for puhlic circulation. 

He became m- 

i^ly siiliji-ct to illusiniH. ami took 
to playing \vlii-t, Imt always with the 
same partner. To all his other friend* 
he presented the appearance of a 'leaf 

(5) September 18, 1903. Another 
momentous new departure. H<- caMed 
Mack white, and Preference pe.>|>' 

He -.pelt liackwards, hut wrote 
lorward-. lie believed he was tliree 

Id. refnsiil to recognise hi- 
friends, stood on his head ami 
ilk up walls. 

(6) October, 100. 1 '-. A xwe.-t child, 
but totally i^'Morant of facts and tigures 

7 October. I'.HIl. Insi-ti-l on K'oin 
:iiiliur>, r h. where he delivci- 

eloqu. ':. which was interpreted 

in diametrically oppo- 
different s.-ts <,f critics. This 

ality that is now ben 
torily develoj" 
(8) December, I'.HH. Complet, 

:\ . Patient divlared that he DM 





THE romantic and amazing case of the 
girl possessing ten separate and <1 
personalities repotted by Dr. ALBEIT 

.mil duly s-t forth in the Proceedings of 
that lly, hi., naturally at 

logical expert- It might have been 

rday. though as a matter 
Met he was nol ' lay. H> 
i his dri^ and his putter 
^^^ "J 

(9) March. 1905. Transition 
supposed that such an astonishing sen i)|v [,,.,,^.,1 ,.,,,,,,,1,.,. 

of C " 1 what "had taken place the day I 

unique and unprecedented Such, |, |if|l ,,,| ,,, .liscu-s burning iiue,t, 
however, is not the case, a trusted poht - ( , (li;i( (1|( . liUnR . ( , t . hilii 

indent having communicati v: 

cal correepoi 

to us, under pledge of secrecy, details of 

a case even more astounding in its 

kaleidoscopic alternations of personality. 
The patient in i|iie-tion whom for 
is reasons we will call Mr. B. 

the lire. 

(10) April Is' T..k to 
with Scotch fishermen. 

(11) April o. T! : blind ii- 
difference. Said he had never heard of 

. . 

al ion' n agi'. U-ing then .. ,ch a pla. M I'-riglit- m. and 

. .. 

: Idle age and highly educat.-l, had " Who is Sir Ai>.\ \NHKR A. LAND-Ho 




Ai-itii, 12, 1905.] 







(" Was there ever a death-bed scene so long drawn out, BO unillumined by a single ray either of dignity or repentance or hope, as of the 
present Government? They had most of them long since ordered their mourning, and were beguiling the weary hours of waiting for the 
inevitable by composing epitaphs." Mr. Asquith at Woherhampton.) 

House of Commons, Monday, April 3. 
In Lobby this afternoon came upon 
Field-Marshal Earl ROBERTS of Kandahar, 
Pretoria, and Waterford, commonly 
called BOBS, looking as slick and young 
as ever. Miracle due to brave heart and 
sunny nature. Old soldiers who 
marched with BOBS in Kandahar would 
scarcely recognise him in the dapper- 
looking gentleman in glossy hat, snug 
overcoat, and drab spats, carrying in 
sword-hand a tightly rolled silk umbrella. 
Might even have taken the renowned 
warrior as being " something in the 

Like all great men, BOBS is never 
above learning his business. When 
BRODRICK was at the War Office he often 
regretted he had not earlier had the 
advantage of collaboration with the ex- 
lieutenant of the Second Surrey Militia. 
If he had, he modestly thinks he might 
have more cleverly managed the field force 
that captured Kabul, or made a better job 

of it at Fategarh. To-day Army Estimates 
on ; ARXOi.D-FoRSTER expected to offer a 
few remarks on state of Army and the 
very latest scheme of Army Reform. 
BOBS hurried across on chance of pick- 
ing up some useful hints, garnering 
some stray sheaf of knowledge about the 
art of war. 

Pretty to see how his countenance fell 
when he learned that War Minister had 
made an end of speaking, and that 
opportunity was lost. Cheered him 
with reminder that he might read it all 
in the papers to-morrow morning. BOBS 
shook his head ; of course he would 
read every word, making notes for guid- 
ance in the future. But the printed 
report could not supply those adjuncts 
dear to the anxious pupil the flashing 
eye, the strident voice clanging com- 
mand ; the unconscious military air ; 
the intimate acquaintance with military 
matters, from the setting of a squadron 
in the field to the proper storage and 

distribution of what the gallant War 
Minister still calls " rayshons." 

Whilst the veteran ' soldier thus 
lamented lost opportunity, others, enjoy- 
ing it, slighted the boon. WINSTON 
CHURCHILL is the sort of young fellow 
who would speak disrespectfully of 
the Equator. Certainly'' didn't mince 
words in criticising administration of 
the War Office. BHODRICK, sitting at 
end of Bench, had a real good 
half-hour listening to the Member for 
Oldham. Time was when, being him- 
self at the War Office, these darts would 
have been aimed at him. Now he might 
loll at leisure, safe from the cloud of 
arrows that fell around and upon the 
body of his successor. Sweet are the 
uses of this kind of adversity. Only a 
man who has himself been at the War 
Office and introduced one or two systems 
of reform can thoroughly appreciate the 
situation when someone else, in his old 
place, is under fire. 


[Ami. 12, 1905. 

" Ac ft Volunteer I AID one of the 'Iialf-iuan 

:: > v 

It was like old times ; the only change 
being the peroonal target. Now, as 
thai, whilst experts on Doth sides rose 
and denounced War Minister's proposals, 
then was not one so poor as to du him 
the reverence of supporting him. 

" Happily," says the MKMIIKR FOR SARK, 
" by prevision of Providence, it conies to 
pus in this twentieth century tliat in 
succession the post of Army Reformer 
has been held by a middle aged young 
civilian, sustained by consciousness that 
he knows more about the Army than 
any who hare served in it. It was said 
of old time that JOHXXIE Hi SSKIJ. was 
ready at an hour's notice to take >m 
manil of the (Channel Fleet. That was 
a jibe; here is a fact. We have two 
men, such as by chance PRISVE Aimu it 
might meet in walking down Parliament 
Street, taken from civil life and put at 
the head of the British Army, with ita 
qjinoMl responsibilities and its expendi- 
ture of 30,000,000 a year. Straight- 
way, almost before they are familiar with 
the bearings of the office furniture, they 
set to work to remodel the Army System, 
one creating six Army Corps literally 
out of his head, the other snubbing 
the Militia, threatening the Vol.. 
with annihilation. If they would only 
be quiet for a month or two. trying to 
learn something of a new and u 
business into which a perplexed PREMIER 
had inducted them, it might be excusable. 

But right off, In-fore the ink dries on 
the paper bearing their commission, to 
U-giu pulling the premises down with 

" Redolent of the attar and musk of the 

(Hon. Claude Lowther.) 

promise to rebuild them in quite another 
way. i man a murvel." 

iiftt done. In Committee on 
Army Intimates. 

liiij niijlit. This Session will live 

in history by reason of invention and 

adoption of new Parliamentary game. 

ling to ancient haliit. wlien two 

re engaged in oomlKit, one 

tiling down a card, t'other tried to trump 

it. New Bailie is a sort of Parliamentary 

I'atienre. You have neither partner nor 

ut ; you deal out the whole pack 
to yourself and thru lay out the cards 
one by one till 1 1' o'clock strikes, where 
upon game automatically closes, you go 
home and. if wise, to !MI|. 

Fre-h game to -night. .'"-I I'll '. 
led off with resolution raising <|i. 
of Fiscal Reform; Prince Annul!, in 
:.inee with avowed haliit, look a 
nielli oil. advising his men to imitate 

uiiple. This they did cheerily 

jiience, the now familiar scene of 
Opposition bench.-, crowded ; Treasiin 
Ileneh empty ; a waste of "here.1 

seats iK'hind ; below (, u few 

A fortnight ago the game had the 
c-harm of noselty. That worn off, it 
fall a little Hat. Wound up 
a- u^ual with submission of Resolution 
from the Chair ; a strident cry of 
from the Opposition U'liche-, ; silence 
in the deserted Ministerial fold, and 
another Resolution, this time ail. 
|k>\ .|,,-.K'S Colonial Conference, added 
to the Journals with notification that it 
niiitf c<>tilr,iilii-i-ittf." 

At eleven o'clock episiMle develo]>ed 
illustrating many-sidedness of House 
CROOKS, in Sunday clothes of British 
working man, .shouted for twenty minutes 
denunciation of Protectionist tendency, 
illustrating his jioints with what i- 
kindly railed homely wit. When lie 
sit down up gat from other side l':.\i in. 
l>>\vmi:u. radiant in dinner dress, redo 
lent of the attar and musk of the Albany. 
In dulcet voice he promised to ask Mr. 
Clio. IKS a coil [>le of ijuestious. 

\\"as he a paid agent of a Trade I'nion 
whose fundamental basis is Protection'. 1 ' 
Was he opposed to the free importation 
of foreign lal>our ''. 

The-e rather "na-ty one'.-," followed 
on tub-thumping speoeh much ap 
['lauded by gentlemen U'low ' 
way opposite, who kivp friendly . 
the working man'- Rarely has 

courteous e\en at Faber's Point 
in the late war Ci.\n>K was court. 
been more swiftly effective. 

CBOOKS said he was prepared to 
defend his position in these iv>peeK. 
but this not the place or the time. 

" Very well." Ci M m: limped, readjust 
ing his latent and mo-i magnificent 
wai-tcoot, "I will await with int. 
the hon. Meml>cr's opportunity." 

APRIL If?, 1005.] 



HATH, ni: TIIK ].nM><>.\ UI.MMY.MM. 

Ami. 1:', 1905. 

War Office. KM-II after 

llriiililoii. Canterbi. 

HI i HIM xiid mi M"iid.t\ . 
iiy scheme* 
<ir years. A liftli fully due. 


with : 

Ortui Pnnrr PomoK. 

nikmr Hnium.) 

liu*inr* Hone. Another nfm. rnn. 
Trade Resolution add. d (.> Journal 

i'ttj niyht. HcXKlKD 
campaign haa proved more successful 
than another we wot of. Much water 
sped under Westminster Bridge since he 
first flaunted the flag of Ocean Penny 
Postage. It was scouted by successive 
Postmasters; couldn't be done at the 
price ; would swamp Post Office revenue. 
To-day, with one exception, England is 
united to her far-flung Colonies by 
adhesive penny stamp. 

Exception is Rhodesia, a distinction 
that would make CECIL Rooties sit up if 
he were still with us. Why Rhodesia 
should be left out no man knoweth. 
Probably gentleman who catalogued list 
of Colonies could not remember at the 
moment whether Rhodesia was spelled 
with " h " or not However it be, there 
you are ; penny postage to Uganda, 
twopence-halfpenny to Rhodesia; both 
. 'ineni 


an artif 


v M r 



urn at il . 

.is urll :. 
harmony a* . 
ronBict, hojio a* well a* grey denpair." 

MB. \Vn.i. CII..-KS. M.!'., oontribul 
.Vision* an art irli< with tin- same title. 
wliii-h show- tli;it Mr I'.i is- i., nut the 

only hard w. uk< <! Member. Mr 
CROOKS says that hi.- caller- U yin before 
it is light. \\ hili- yet the morn i- grey, 
he says, an asthmatic imti-hi-r is knock- 
ing nt his door for information a.- to the 
.lion of a protective tariff to prime 
joints, while it is no uncommon 
rence fora Countes* of impulsive ch 
to motor d.>wn to Woolwich before 
breakfast to ask Mr. ('HOOK- to 
some little problem of social politic* 
which troubled her in the night. Then 
there is the morning's post, two hundred 
- at least, all of which Mr. CI:'>H< 
answers with his own hand, for he 
strongly objects tu amanuenses, and 
then breakfast. Every day after break- 
fast Mr. CROOKS makes a house-to-house 
visit throughout his constituency. Ix'liev 
ing that only thus can a Member of 
Parliament properly keep in touch with 
his supporters, and often he finds him- 


This, though the biggest, by no means 
the complement u f II 1 1 V public services 
in the matter of postal reform. In small 
matters they are innumerable. Now he 
will have time to concentrate his effort* 
upon the great mystery of P and M. If. 
alluding to the time of day. ;. <u telegraph 
"P.M.," the letters go for a halfpenny. 
Reverse them, addressing, for example, 
Tow, " M-P-," bang goes a penny. On 
what principle this distinction is created 
and enforced is an older mystery, kindred 
with that which broods over Rhodesia 
and its twopenny-halfpenny stamp. 

Something ought to be done for 
Hnmm HEATOH. Of course it wouldn't 

self involved in serious discussions 

do to have his head engraved on a new 
ocean penny stamp ; but ' in the next 
reconstruction of the Ministry he might 

lusting for some hours. None tin- 1 he 
is back to lunch at one. After this 
comes the House. 

Not a bad day, is it? "But," add.* 

Mr. CROOKS, " there is joy in it as well 

! as toil, harmony as well as discord, 

interest as well as conflict, hope as well 

as grey despair." 

Mr. WANKLVN, M.P., sends us the 
following account of a normal day of 
his own, which he takes to be more 
strenuous than Mr. BURXS'S. 

1 1 rise," he says, "at five, and make 
myself a cup of Vi-Horeo, the best pick 
me-un on which to begin. Then I have 
a cold shower bath, and run twice round 
the home paddock, or, if I am in town, 
Dean's Yard ; after this I eat a raw 

: 1 -bury 

method, and am reidy for my - 
lary, who arri\e h .r two hours 

him repine to the morning's 
i -'. V t in No. that 

i- true: but I answer the letter* all the 
.*.ime. I know what they are going to 
-ay, and when the | | in all one 

'! i- to till in the nan.' 
\\liich blank- ha\e carefully INVII left. 

I then for 

two h-.ur- I am l.uriiil in the 7 
After llie ;' ' i.i-hed I die' 

my Se.Ti-t.iry ! 1. -tiers 

which could not IH- an-weted ill advance 

r n-ii. illy tiring -ucli 

and | I. iv a round at ^olf. It is now 
lime for lunch. After lunch, c\haii-!.i| 
nature del., 

for a while, being. howe\er, punctilious 
[ by an improving book 

' II 1//MUI .\fllf. 

or a foolish .me. like 7V.'.- >',></ i-f tl,r 
Ualakand l-'i<-lil /-'rn-i-c. I drink on 
awaking a cup of China tea, and am at 

n for the fray I 
my bailiff, or, if in ton. 
my butler. I take a run down to llie 
Crystal 1'alace. I glance at the evening 

\nd till-:. 

Life, as someone I forget \\lio truly 
remarked, is not all U-er and >kittl.--. 

"And yet," added Mr. \V \\KMV 
"then" is joy in it a.- well a- toil, 
harmony as well a- interest as 

well as conflict, h> j 

Mr. CiUMiirnt MV, being interviev 
to his daily h:i l.-d a State of 

b. --ide whii-h Mr. Hi i 
Idere and nn. 

" 1 do no: 

comiij : IMIVS and Free 

Traders; 1 work. All night 1 communi- 
by tel.'phone with the Colonial 
Premiers. Our night, as jK-rhaj 
know, is their day. What a les-on that 
should te:ich us! \Vhil. . thev 


Here the inten iewer rcmarke<l that, 
on the other hand, while we toil they 
-nore. " Nc\,-r miml aUmt that, 
the illustrious demagogue ; "it i* absurd 
to lalxmr a i>oint." 

He then re-umed : " I -pend the time 

-ix-until eight in the c. 'iiservatories. 

tending my favourite flowers. At eight 

I breakfast simply and swiftly. 1 take 

coffee without sugar. Not th 

like sugar, but 1 cannot afford it. Owing 

to some cause or other which I cannot 

fathom, it has become very dear. Then 

I deal with my conv-pondence, which 

takes two hours, and is not then lii. 

All this while 1 have adily 

taking no exercise. Then I : 
deputations of manufacturers and dis- 
guised Members of Parliament, who want 
to know how the cat is going to jump. 

AIMMI. 12, 1005.] 



Iml ilaiv nut come to me openly. After 
lunch I iva<l UICKKNS and we Dictionary 
of Quotations, and I ;un then ready for 
tin- House. Thus passes one's life. 

" But," added Mr. 4 'IMMHKULAIN, "there 
18 joy in it as well as toil, harmony as 
well as discord, interest as well as 
conflict, hope as well as grey despair." 

Sir GILIIERT PARKER, writing from 
Chatsworth, proves that he too must be 
reckoned amongst those who shun 
delights and live laborious days. He 
sa\s: "I breakfast late (Mr. Ku.l-'oru 
always breakfasts late), and upend the 


I usually dig in VKRO.VICA'S garden till 
breakfast. If, however, the weather is 
inclement, I retire into LAURA'S winter 
quarters fur shelter until the gong 
sounds. r'rom 10 till \- 1 submit to 
the divine afflatus. From 1:2 till 1 1 
dictate the results. Luncheon, a light 
meal, washed down by choice Malvoisie. 
is usually taken in an arbour known as 
the Pavilion of Parnassus, and is followed 
by an hour's meditation to the ace mi 
paniment of pan-pipes or the pianola. 
From 4 to 5 I dictate narrative poetry. 
After an interval for afternoon tea, lyric 

After dinner, 
G v says, 

IKK 'try occupies me till 7. 
conversation,^ which, as 

morning dictating despatches 
(|iiently forwarded by cable 
to Sir WILFRID L.M'iiiKit, Dr. 
.1 \ \i ESON, and .M r. SI:I>I>ON, 
adumbrating the policy which in 
my opinion they will do well to 
follow. This generally occupies 
the whole of the morning, after 
winch 1 partake of a light 
luncheon with assorted Cabinet 
Ministers. In the afternoon I 
address, on an average, five 
drawing-room meetings and one 
demonstration, and write a few 
chapters of my next novel, a 
political romance entitled The 
l.itil<ler of Empire. I then see 
my elocutionist, and before 
dining indulge in half an hour's 
mountaineering practice on the 
roofs of Carlton House Terrace 
with a rope r.nd ice-axe of my 
own invention. When the House 
is not sitting my evening is 
generally spent in the refined 
and stimulating atmosphere of 
1 1' lii'd'u, monde. It is, in faith, 
an exacting life, but," continues 
Sir GILBERT, "there is joy in it 
as well as toil, harmony as well 
as discord, interest as well as 
conflict, hope as well as grey despair." enriches the intellect. Before retiring to 

rest I gaze in solitude upon the stars, 

Sir ALFRED HARMSWORTH, Bart., sends for, as GIBBON says, solitude is the true 
us the following succinct account of his school of genius. It may not be the life 
daily round : "I rise at 3 A.M., and edit : that commends itself to mundane minds, 
75 papers before 7. Then I motor to but," concludes Mr. ALFRED AUSTIN, in 
Windsor rid Mentmore for breakfast, an eloquent peroration, " there is joy in 
From 11 A.M. to 7 P.M. I make up my it as well as toil, harmony as well as 
mind on the Fiscal question, and meet discord, interest as well as conflict, hope 
my brothers at the usual family dinner as well as grey despair." 
party from 8 to 9, retiring to bed at 9.30, 
quite worn out with the multifarious 
labours of the day. It is a dog's life, 
but," as Sir ALFRED adds in happy 
phrase, "there is joy in it as well as toil, 




.... TO ALL THE HCIUSE." Macbeth. 


[Mr. STEPHEN PHILLIPS is reprted to b3 occu- 

harmony as well "as discord interest as ft * wJ *Sfa wfiS fi"5 
11 as _ conflict, hope as well as grey; defence the poet is taking, but we would 


The Poet Laureate telephones from 
Bwinford Old Manor: " You ask me how 
I spend my day ? Nothing could be 
simpler. I rise before the lark, and 
having seen that ' blithe spirit ' go up, 

suggest that he might regard the maligned 
Emperor as the prototype of the modern Fire- 

A NERO'S nerve the Fireman shows, 
Down from his helmet to his hose, 
For when our Rome is in a blaze 
He calmly wets his pipe and plays. 


IN consequence of the frequent recur- 
rence of this obscure term in news from 
the seat of war, Mr. I'li/u-li has thought 
it his duty to consult a military ' 
with a view to its elucidation. Hi' 
accordingly approached one of tho.>e 
natural strategists who to a memory of 
Master manuMivres, voluntarily under- 
taken, unite an experience on the Stork 
Exchange enabling them to speak with 
authority upon Bear tactics. His in 
quiries were answered in the nm-i 
obliging manner, and he is now in a 
position to place the following facts 
before the public : 

Amid the rigours of a .Man 
churian climate almost any 
movement, may be considered 
"offensive" which involves the 
quitting of winter quarters. Even 
a civilian can appreciate this, if 
he has ever been conscious that 
his next movement must be to 
! get up and break the ice in his 
: bath. 

It is customary to speak of the 
offensive as being " taken " when 
none of the other objects of attack 
can be. 

On the other hand the offensive 
is "assumed" when the advance 
which it connotes is invisible to 
the naked eye. The latter use is 
the more proper in telegrams to 
an autocrat, as delicately suggest- 
ing that the resulting success 
had better be " assumed " too. 

This reference to lack of re- 
sults does not mean that no 
movement ever succeeds. On 
the contrary a retrograde move- 
ment nearly always succeeds the 
assumption of the offensive. 
Nor does it mean that nothing 
for the Japanese invariably do. 

follows : 

The correct use of the term is traced 
by some to a passage in the Anatomy 
of Melanclwly, where chess is described 
as "a testy, choleric game, and very 
offensive to him that loses the mate." 
Thus, in the game of war, a movement 
which results in the too sudden intro- 
duction of the enemy amongst one's 
camp-followers has received this techni- 
cal name. 

Mr. Punch's informant could not 
speak so authoritatively in naval matters, 
inasmuch as, pending the reintroduction 
of the river steamboat service, he was 
conscious that his nautical knowledge 
was rusty. He believed, however, that 
"offensive" was an expression applied 
to the random discharge of guns, 
especially following upon an "assump- 
tion" not justified by facts. 

be regarded as Hoard de Combat ? 



[Area I:' 


. !>, It-w.uv if you <nn 

.ing dimwit- ; 

x '...}'..-. 

..11 oxer \oiir i 

ill- dotes till it 

Dull -iiti\ .11, .i eagerly into 1 1.- 

in the in.. on -..i-l. 

A ii. ,:. r nf musde. 

i can't ! :ig. 


.mil strong, 

A i :' I.'-! f r .1, II .11. 

vlnliit your might 
: of tin- tight. 

'. ' ' ' ' ' '.:: ; 

The in. .re \x ill lif i 


To Ills monumental task in tin- editing <>f the H'./r/.-* / 
<'iirlft and Mary I^nib I.Mi.lllit\ Mr. K. V. |.i.\- h..- 
added Volumes VI. and VII.. containing tin- letters. They 
have through more than half a century Ixvn aiming tin- most 
""ecious possessions of mankind. Never !>< ha- tl..' gift 
_jen presented in BO complete ami therefore so attractive a 
form. Mr. I.i. x- has the good fortune to add to alrcad\ 
abundant nuit.-rial much correspondence that has not hitherto 
seen the light. Amongst these are letter- to members of the 
WOBWWOBTH family ; a batch written to Mox. ing lad 

with a Yorkshire head and a heart that would do honour to a 
more southern county," at the time in the service of I, 
who was subsequently to make for himself a name as pub- 
lisher; others addressed to friends and acquaintances whose 
descendants have treasured them in the privacy of their 
libraries. 1. \\iii'.- letters arv literature of the highest quality. 
Mr. Luxs adds considerably to their value by a series of 
luminous notes attached to "cadi as postscript. Editors of 
kindred works reserve their notes for appendices. .Mr I 
in this respect sets a fashion whose convenience is so obvious 
that it is likely to spread. If my Baronite owned a desert 
island, or could borrow one from a friend, these two portly 
volumes should be his chosen companions among books. 

Writing of ALFRED Wn;xs's father. Mr. COKE says: "His 
ater years were passed at Sevenoaks, where he kept nn 
establishment for imbeciles .,r weak-minded youths. I often 
stayed with him." My Haronite recognises one of the things 
that might I i said differently. There is 'nothing 

either weak-minded or weak-handed in the author of Track* 
of a ItMimj Stone (SMITH, Euro). There are few men who 
are lived through a more widely varied life than 1 
JomrCoK - ago, being then in his twelfth 

r. , t, 11. M.S. Hlunde, a 4G-gtm 

rigate, bound for China, where he first .-n,.lt powder. 
'ominjj home on leave a year later, he travelled by coach 
Naples to <ere being at the time not a single 

railway on the Mis family position gave him 

hroughoiit a long life wide opportunities of coming into 
ontact with notable ].,-,,pl.-. II, i. members CREEVY, whose 
Memoirs ail the world was lately reading. He fraternised in 
a country house with our .Ions laaa. He was familiar with 
HABIT FOKKR in the flesh, of which there seems to have been 
considerable quantity. Here is a pen-and-ink sketch of 

.juaintance. "Ao:i.KM pronouno 

deacon') waaafxmt '> f.vt ,'i indies t.dl. round as a c.i-k. wiih 
a small, singularly n.und fa t e and hi 

In a word, like a tical." ' Mr i 

t'dit. He br. with 

ROOEBS, fought an election in old iVotectioii ila\ 

: ii'-gne in the ! the Kn.|.ir, 

I in the Kline house with Mr. Auiiii it IKiioii:"- hither 
..ii. I mother when they \\.-re ( ,n their honeymmn. ! 
dentally lie vi.-ited the West Indies, cross.-.! th. :m.l 

back through S|.;nn on the track 
Uinf.l,-. TlicM- are ran- adxantag.-s. Mr ( 
f them in a vi\id narrative that recalls tl,- 
sometime friend, t'aj.tain MM 

i. by CO-MO IhMiii-.s HMMMVSV Tj 
narrative of the risks run by a c..iiple of . 
man and wife, belonging t.. and moving in th. 

-:m,eil 'franklx 

to virtue bx assuming it- oiitxvard semblance! In'this 
There i- none that doeth g.xnl. ni U 

i'" 1 " J.icture ..f deri! , ,,,,,|y l( , 

mixlern romance found. 

made in a r.n, and to U- c,,n-iil,T.-.| as th.-ev, ; 

to the general rule of Virtu* ,1 //.,) in the b, -I ,.f xvh:, 

lude<l a- representative ..f I 

|1VX - " "// rcflivt the manners and the m 

of his da\ '' Iid ,ii,i ), ,. : 

only notable examples, when he g-.n. 

m the lives of li,;-/;,, >7/,ir/., the .l/.iii/..- 
Raicdon > ' Well, here in / 

' /'''""'- ri..r /i',iir./..n. w'itli ju-t his 

naadooatod faults in orthography, ami a girl who i 

have been a /:,-./,,/. but for her original simpliciiy of eha. 

and her single hearted devotion to her huslwin'd . 

redeeming jmint is his lidelily to her wl:. 

his wife. The Ha nm will not continue tin-- 
all he will say is that, for his part, lie finds this !,,' 

for boys and girls, though it may 1,,. read with chuckling 

pleasure by such ,,1,1 boys and old girls as might be ;i 
!e not a few of ns with their own rcmini-. 

IlxMiii..\ knows how to (ell a plain unvarni-h.^1 

with dramatic force, and epigrammatic dial... <-;, 11. 

not -|, .p. as TiiA.KKlixY did in th. 

Barry Lyndon, to moralise satirically. He leases' lit- 
Ithe imagination. It is a remarkable work, and having 
jonce taken it up its reader's attention w ill } held until 

the very end. In the /...<i- ti.l,- attachment I, I!,,!,,, 

\Sheen," .v,r Edward Men,. 11,1., and /{///,, Honour the 
good - hearted comedy-opera 
artiste, there is that' touch 
of nature that enlists our 
sympathies, for the irregular 
couple, and makes us tl 
at the apparently cruel touch 
of the hand of fate which 
unites them in wedlock and 
then separates them for 
The Karon commends the book 
for its literary skill ; but can 
he recommend it to 
one? That is a question lie 
: is unable to decide. 


FOR TIIK MAP o, [/WTO*. \,,xv that Mr. II. H. IHVIX.. has 
made his successful ,l,'-l,i/t as ll,,ml,-t. if it ! true that 


.Messrs. BEERDOUII Thi.i: and MABTIK ll>i.'.;\ are 

.. at different theatres as the / 

then London may be. theatrically, . t he Little 

ViUage divided into thnv hai 

APKIL 19, 1905.] 




Small Boy (suddenly). "WHAT ARE HOMES MADE OF, UNCLE?" 



" ROZHDESTVENSKY has cleared for action 
by throwing overboard all unnecessary 
woodwork," reports a cable. It looks as if 
his officers had lost their heads once more ! 

Toco is said to be in hiding. We 
guess that ROZHDESTVENSKY will shortly 
get that hiding. 

The Third Baltic Squadron has an 
interest all its own for the student of 
n:i\:d evolution. From the various 
items composing it, it is possible to trace 
the gradual rise of the modern battleship 
from its earliest beginnings. 

Another snub for the KAISER! Mr. 
PlERPONT MORGAN, who was in Sicily at 
the date of the Royal visit, left without 
granting His Majesty an audience. 

explained that, if the surplus had been 
200,000 more, it would have been 
possible to take a penny off the Ineome- 
tax. A correspondent now writes to ask 
whether it is too late to open a Mansion 
House Fund to raise that amount. 

A handy little case containing every- 
tliing necessary for rendering first aid in 
case of accidents is the latest motor-car 
accessory, and there will now be really 
no excuse for travelling slowly. 

At Bristol a man has been sent to gaol 
for six months for frauds on solicitors. 
The punishment is none too severe. 
Innocent and helpless persons must be 
protected. . 

Almost ready. In the " Highways and 
Byways" Series. Walks in the Tube 
by the Manager of the Central London 

The Express publishes an article show- 
ing how much better convicts are treated 
in American than in English prisons, 
and alien criminals at present in this 
country are indignant. 

A proposal is on foot that, now that 
the Mad Mullah has come to terms with 
us, we should in future call him merely 
the Mullah. 

" The Volunteer shooting 'season at 
Bisley begins to-day," announced a con- 
temporary last week. We all know that 

Mr. ARNOLD - FORSTER thinks there are 
too many Volunteers, but to dispose of 
them in this way seems inhumane. 

Three Englishmen and one French- 
man attempted to cross the Channel in 
balloons last week, but only the French- 
man succeeded. We congratulate the 
Frenchman on his British, pluck and 

A circular snuff-box, said to have been 
made from the mulberry tree which 
SHAKSPEARE planted in his garden at 
Stratford-on-Avon, has made its appear- 
ance, and a new and full life of the 
Bard is now to be written. 

It is reported from the Riviera that 
sharks are infesting the territorial waters 
in that neighbourhood. Can their 
presence have anything to do with the 
announcement that Mr. JOHK TRUNDLEY 
of Peckham is travelling on the Conti- 
nent ? 

A Learned Ass. 

LADY has nice - looking donkey, suitable 
governess to take out children, good goer, 
warranted sound. Exchange and Mart. 




'1 HAUWUM IMA rim-l l Khartum w iih -.1 i .,-n. 

ii (unity ny 
.." in I "Ofial odfc-rrn |i I llirl: 

iaif. wbo cam* of 

.. (irr ... .ilttl Kill 

rlrvt l.i ukr up (wrauBrtll rrotjrarv in KntfUnil ] 

K.Hmi fn in il.. .lows tin- sultr 


rut with a knife ; 
unnv .iixl -.iii.l lh. i 

.led ill the hy : at her I - 

Khartum a- 1 learn from the M.ul 

L-d by the hand .if the suave H\utl-\, hunter nf game, 
Niiim ill told, [ men and a couple of women 

(One i-f r 

..nd of hp. -allow cheeked, and of limited statnn 

flom .". fl .S up lo a yard and a half. 

'lad in t! '..iture pi..\ides for a tropica 

I but an apron or -. ju-t f.-r the link of the th 
I'l tun. in the vv dd to the purlieus of cmi 

:.e \\i 11 lands late nf the M.uiiii, deceased, 
Where ye are ae-u by the Sirdar, who robes you in 

apjvar. I. 

Sending hia aides to select stuff fn>m the drapery stores 
Lest ye should openly wound the fastidious taste of tin 


He an offence to the Sphinx, or to the Dam an affront. 
Stuff to suffice till ye land and a loftier sense of decorum, 
Stern as our rigorous clime, calls fur additional clothes 

What is the cause of your coming? why were ye fetched 

from the forest? 

Why wen- ye Uxiked to explore Town in the middle of May 
I.un-d fn>m the homely delight of assaults on caravan bearera 

(Lately ye killed, I am told, seventeen such at a sco. | 
What can w. compare with the chase of the cursive 

okapi v 

^ Will it console you to play croquet on Iliirlingham lawns? 

You who have daily coim-iscd with the colobus genus ol 


can you fad t., ! bom! here with Society's best? 
True, ye have eh. -en a laud where the immigrant ever i- 


One that in famed for her arms open to all but her own ; 
One when- the Ijbcral Tarty will stand on the wharf to 
aw a t you, 

I by report who are the Alien's friend-. 
Relative giant.- in size and in intellect absolute Titans 

enerous hearts anything dumpy appeals) - 
x> >.m have seen them in fancy, the practical masters of 

Tending the summons to power which they regard as a 

Pigmies! your innocence haunts me! -I too have a touch of 
the savage 

Then for.- I offer you free two little words of advice : 

i If you wi-h to remain M a permanent fixture aiming us, 
Thick the acceptable hour, now ere the season is full. 
Thick it. f,,r no one can tell when ti . f n)In 

his coma, 

Come to his senses and so carry an Aliens Hill ; 
Second You mustn't mistake for a mark of jiolitical giants' 
Heads that are swelled to about twice their habitual bulk 


- rr.-ntity fiurniiln.} 
tin- " Mn-jxfiif Hrniinij \eim" of A/irii 

I public opinion nvngm-c ihat 

fr.inkiie-H ..n the subject of their circulation is the due of 
I. -lli leader and advcrti-er. I'nlike certain d.-c.n 

ll.lU. the .Vl|./.''.V .V.K.I has nothing III hide. Its l,k- ;,re 

O|H ii to public HI-IHI -lion. 1'ut le-t some can .scarce I \ 
lime for the gigantic task of chit-king our nllice r.voi.: 
publish for the benefit of the world tin- exact tigim- o| ,,u r 
dalioii for the week Hiding April I. A distiugni-h.d 

linn of Chartered Ace, taut- certify that for this week the 

'... had an 
not in. biding lhec..pv kept by the Kditor for hi- pnvate 

(III the mghl of April I a Hovel scheme in, pi- 
the inhabitants I Mui;.-b\ with the all |*T\ading inlliii nee 

of our indely-circalated 

<'ur i~-. ..... n thai nij-ht 

" v * .<>>'. ^,.... -'.ii i --ii. . -ii i uai n igm w as 

printed on blue -ugar | ,med frnm the emporium of 

Alderman Ti ' - w h. -e ad\erti-eiuenl of unn|in 

and tinned we unite our i. 
attention'. Half an hour after the publication of tl.. 
\,nx we \entnre to BJJ that Mugsby wa- p.nnted I, In, 
Kiliy night or diction lime were nothing to it AJ O MI 
Kditor walked down the High Stn.-t to n.ake hi- w.i-kly 
y of Mugsby industry he wa- gratified if not siirp. 

the deep blue tint of the TriieHlue J.ap. r in . 

Iry. from the "S|K,tled I 'og " at one eMninitv ,; 
High Sir.-.-! t,, the " Hull and Anchor" at the other. I 
he well known restaurant of Mr. Titmils the gilded youth of 

by sallnd. Kach of them bore in his hand 'a slight 
;ion of fried fish wrapped in blue paper. A distinguished 
ili/en was so absorbed in our blue pages that he mi- 
oiiscioii.-ly walked into the low n pump. A ladv on her w.i\ 
o the establishment of Mr. HOHIN- can-led a large |.ii.el 
vrapped in blue paper. In fact all Mug.-bv was of the hue 
f the empynan. It would ha\e gladdened the In-ait of a 
in MTT." 

Ill,- " .MiHjxli/ Still-," .-l/.ri/ 1. "We do not 
i our circulation, but when a rival pa|>cr makes 
n impudent claim to be the leading journal of Mn. 
v.' cannot, we will not. ke, p silence. The .U;i./x/.i/ ' 
laims that its circulation for the week ending Apiil 1 
\eragi-d .'I!' copies daily Why was this week ch. 
Wail-e it was a w. ek of stirring events, when IICUM 
irculatinns leapt to their great, -t height Mondav wa- the 
'I' 1 ' Annual : .-. ; , M Tin-day ex Aid, n.. an 

oiikivs wassumn on -d for being drunk on lieen-ed piemi-es; 
n Wednesday the Mayor'- parlourmaid fell down tl 

n Thursday the Mugsby Vampires pl.ued the (inm- 

(I Mugsby and gloriously dele-t.-d then. 
Yiday T.C. SIMIKIS- checked an incipient dog light n. 
narket pl.n-e ; and on Saturday there 

Mlie MugAy \.-n-x. \\', repeal the v. rribution 

Vith his own hands the Kditor of the Mvgtby .V,- 

i.v of his blue journal at every licensed hmi-e u, 
lugsby. Then we ha\e ].nif that two j,ai,| i|,,.j r 

a\ out frnm the workhouse were t ,he ij,g|, 

leading the blue pa) er. It is for our Hoard of 
iuanlians t,, pre\,-nt such ciiielty to our poverty -trie-